The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 50

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Darylix. In studio is Randy. And all the way across the country,

joining us remotely via Skype is boisterous coconuts. Yay, what's up? Also known as Asteroos, what's your current Twitter handle, stereos? You always say like America's acquaintance or something like that? That is me. I'm America's acquaintance.

Hey, you know what, guys. Guys, just real quick. Let's get the energy up. We usually start these shows with, you know, listen to the voicemails, find out who won. But why don't we start with my problem? Start with your problem before we're in. Unexpected guests. What?

What? What? What the hell? That's right. Unexpected guests. Assyrios. Assyrios. Assyrios.

Assyrios, I am for real. going to execute you in about 10 minutes. First, first of all, first of all, sit at Sean's microphone. Sit at Sean's microphone. Okay, let me give, let me give some background on this. Oh yeah, I'm expecting guess you're the worst, aren't they? Yeah, what a terrible problem. I'm glad we're all on the same page. Turn off your Skype because it's echoing. Turn off your Skype. And let me, let me, let me explain what happen because I am for real going to kill you after this taping. Yeah. For the last, for the last two hours, for the last two hours, all of us have been trying to

set up our piece of crap computers, Maddox's netbook, my MacBook, Sean with his Pro Tools coffin that he brings in every time. We've been trying to set this up for two goddamn hours just to. to get a clear audio channel to have a stereos call in from across the country with Skype. We just finished. We just got it

done. And this grinning fucking asshole burst through the door like I retarded Santa Claus carrying a bunch of equipment saying, hey guys, all that time you just wasted? Shove it up

your ass because I'm a digital cyber demon. Fuck you. Hey, it's not my fault that you guys have lives and I don't, okay? I can spend two hours in the car outside of Maddox's house. Actually, the only reason I burst in this early is that Maddox's crazy neighbor started yelling at me. So I was like, you know what? They're going to hear. I better fucking pull the trigger on this.

You motherfucker. And what dedication to sit through two hours of fucking around for this payoff? It was really hot in that car. It was really hot in that car. that goddamn rental car. Oh my. Seriously, this is,

I am like, A, pissed off, B, happy, but C, a little bit more pissed off than happy.

Yeah. Like most of the women I know. I have that effect on people. I'm fucking, I'm pissed off because I was inconvenienced and I'm pissed off and I'm even more pissed off

in a way that I like being because I was had. Like, I don't register happiness. I only have. not rage and rage. So this is like the rage has spilled over into a feeling that like consumes me and I love.

Would you say that that's the feeling of Busting a Nut of Fan ass last year? Oh, that is the feeling of busting a nut. That we were trying to explain to women in the previous episode. Well, since this is the weirdest fucking start to a show ever, happy 50th, everyone. Happy 50th of that episode.

Happy 50th. With unexpected guests, boisterous coconuts in studios. Sean, were you in on this? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow the fucking shut! You were in on this? Oh, you piece of shit. Oh, my gosh.

Both of you are pieces of shit. Yep. Oh, the word. Okay. Look, all I'm saying is I would not have flown in for the 50 second episode, okay? The 50th. That's up fighting with the 50th. There you go.

Now I'm back on your side of Stereos. Vote it down. Unexpected guests. I love it. Is that your for real problem this time? Yes, it is. Okay, wait. Let's get a whole idea.

Let's do the normal show first. You shifty fuck. Can't trust you now. Now we know that you're a good liar. I'm the best. All right, that's good to know about you. Sneaky Greeky over here. Oh, hey.

By the way, that reminds me of our Armenian debate from last week. Whether or not Armenians were Middle Eastern. Okay. Let's hear what Wikipedia fucking bullshit-ass article you brought in. No, no, no. I don't trust Wikipedia. There's one website that I always get straight info from. WikiHow?

bodybuilding.com. So I went to. I went to the body forums. Bodybuilding.com to see if... The question was, is Armenia considered European or Middle Eastern? Powerball says they are Middle Eastern. Captain Squats says Middle Eastern IMO.

That's bodybuilding talk for, in my opinion. Yeah. And then even sanity says such a small country, who cares? So I think that debate is pretty much closed. Great. A bunch of pros on bodybuildingforum.com. Bodybuilding.com, which, by the way, that same, there's a thread on there from like two years ago, where two guys in earnest were debating the number of days in a week.

Oh, that's right. I've seen that. It's one of my favorite things on the internet. It goes on for like five pages, and people are saying, well, no, the day starts on Sunday. The week starts on Sunday. And then so the guy's like, well, no, it's Monday to Monday. That's, or it's Monday to Sunday. I'm like, no, idiot, that's six days.

And then they go back and forth, like counting out days, like preschoolers on their hands. For five pages. Yeah, well, because they're trying to figure out, like, when to alternate between, like, legs and arms and shit. So someone's like, well, you do your legs every three days, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. They don't have enough limbs to count the number of weeks. Exactly.

Well, we got leg day, that's day number one. Arm day, that's day number two. Cardio, that's day number three. Three days in a week, that's it. Then you start over. Okay, so according to those meatheads, I guess Armenia's Middle Eastern. What do I know? What the fuck do I know?

I'm only Armenia. Yeah, that's why you shouldn't be trusted, though. I mean, that's why your opinion on it is. I'm not saying because you're Armenian. I'm saying, like, you're too close to it. No, no, no. Look, let's not look at me as to the person in this room not to be trusted, okay? Mr. Unexpected Guessing sativa Sean over here.

Last episode, guys, wage gap truthers was the number one problem of the week. Wave gap truthers, cleaned house, and that's a really good problem. I say, yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's a good problem. Then, followed by Reifer Madness, everyone agreed, Dick, good job. And then barely not a problem was getting too high. Mm, yeah. Which I disagree with.

Why? Because if you are way too high, you are way too annoying. If you get too drunk, you fucking pass out, and you don't bother anybody anymore. And you're funny. Yeah, exactly. People fuck with you. Yeah. They draw dicks on your face.

They put their dicks on their face. They put your dick on their face. It's hilarious. If you draw a dick on the face of a guy who's way too high, he's gonna think it's funny and then where's your satisfaction? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. A drunk guy, that guy's gonna get pissed off.

He's gonna want to start a fight. He's gonna take a swing. You're gonna fall over and a pool of his own puke. That's the guy. I love that guy. Yeah. You know what, Assyria, you just, you drew a dick on the face of this show. You really did.

You fuck. Oh my gosh. You're poor motherfucker. I got a comment from Paul Medlicott. I think this was on YouTube. I'm not sure. He says, hey, Maddox, do you save 23% on shampoo? because I'm bald.

Yes, I do, asshole. Shouldn't you save 100%? I still wash my head, Dickhead. And I saw it. Because your eyebrows? You wash your Dick Armenian eyebrows? Yeah. I don't want my eyebrows stinking up the place.

Then I got a comment from Lienel Gallo. He's as fastest Dick versus Dick ever. Oh, fuck off. Let me go on more than 50 episodes or 49 if we're not counting the one Sean deleted. Oh, come on. Let me go on for more than 50 episodes with a strong stand against taxes and then open my weed decriminalization argument with we could be losing $10 billion in taxes.

I said income tax. Why does everyone jump, everyone jumped on me for saying there should be no taxes. All I said was the fucking income tax. There's thousands of different types of taxes, okay? Fuck off. I bet there is thousands of different types of taxes. I mean, there's tariffs on everything. There's tobacco tax.

There's a big balls tax Oh, you guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you? Good one. One day. One day I'll pay the big balls tax. I mean, to be fair to this argument, though, isn't the income tax like way fairer than just taxing every time you buy a cigarette?

Because if a rich guy buys a cigarette or a poor guy buys a cigarette, though being taxed the same amount. Here's my entire problem with it. All the other taxes, like, let's say a VAT. Because a value-added tax is a perfectly viable alternative. to an income tax. All right, let's talk about. That is a voluntary tax.

When you go to buy something, you can make the decision or not if you're going to buy something. And it's not on food. So poor people, you're not punishing people for living because it's not on food. It's only if you take a product,

improve upon it, and then you're taxed upon the improved value of a product. If you're getting taxed on your income, you can't not pay that. It's a mandatory tax. Like the government is God, saying, hey, do you want to work today?

You got to give us some of that time, buddy. You can't say, you know what? I'm just going to work and I'm going to live in a cabin out in the woods and I'm going to mind my own fucking business. The income tax doesn't let you do that. They own your life. Don't most of our listeners pay so little in income taxes

that they have no idea what you're talking about? And if you tax their cigarettes or alcohol, they get super pissed off. Because the value out of taxes on cool things we want. Like in England, I believe there's a vat on lipstick. Don't you want ladies to look super hot? Do you really want them to have to go into their own pocket for that? No, come on, man.

Mysterios? Who's fucking listeners? You're a listener What do I say? You're a motherfucker You said our listeners You're shifting You are a shifting country

For this You are a shifting Jesus Christ Oh Dick another surprise I'm kicking you off the show Sirius welcome to the new goal Happy 50s fuckhead Happy 50s guys

Yeah Dick No you make a good point Vote for Rand Paul I guess What the fuck Michael God damn it God damn it I got a comment

from Sean Michelson He said Has anyone that has ever promoted the 77% pay argument ever cited a specific company that does this, excluding positions where you have to negotiate your own salary. Yeah, that's a good point, Sean. I was going to mention this in the video. I didn't have enough time, but where are all these companies paying women 77% to the dollar? Can we just boycott them? Can we just shut them down and say, hey, fuck heads. If this was really happening across the board, wouldn't there be one or two companies in the news

for doing this? Wouldn't someone find out eventually? Wouldn't one of the many women who work in payroll departments, look at the salaries of people and put it together and say, hey guys, let's shut down this fucking country. They would have to because it's every single fucking company. Every CEO makes

like a hundred times. Every male CEO makes like a hundred times female CEOs. Start there. No, no, no, no. See, that's kind of the interesting thing. What do you mean? The California State Government, for example, you can look up what any California state employer

makes. Right. You know? Like, and because of that, because it's an open and transparent system, there is a lot less of a wage disparity. Yeah. Like, what, what us not knowing what each other makes allows for is for shifting Greek guys like me to make way more than my coworkers and kind of like not be called on it

and have it be awesome. Good. And like, yeah. So, so, you know, it's like when there's transparency, everybody benefits, when things are shrouded, I benefit. Yeah. Yeah. And so do you probably, right, Tax? I'm sorry. And so do you probably.

What is it? Dick hole. Dick. It's real easy to remember. It doesn't matter. It's all that's count out of back. Of course I fucking benefit from that. That's why I like it. The closer the system is leveled towards people who are willing to fuck each other over, the better I do. I'm a 35-year-old psychopath and engineer. The closer we get to total chaos, the more power I have. Yeah, it definitely behooves me.

One of the things that, one of the original problems, or I think it was a solution that you brought in, was everybody asked for a raise, which is something that I've always agreed with. Of course. Because, like, the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. Like, there are so many studies about, you know, for example, women in the educational field who don't try to negotiate up their first salary. And as a result, they're behind the eight ball forever. Because, like, you know, after, you know, whatever your original negotiated salary is, after that, your raises, your annual raises, or your bi-annual raises, they're always going to be like 7%. No one's ever going to be like, here's a 30% raise. Of course not.

You know, so it's like, you know, you got to ask for a raise. That's what's up. Well, you guys make a good point. I guess I'm going to vote for Rand Paul. You're such a fucking idiot. Oh, here I got... Go ahead, go ahead. I just want to...

One more thing, Dick, before we move on, you kind of gloss over this. You said male CEOs make more. How many CEOs are there in a company? One. One. Yeah. So no two CEOs are alike, are there? Because by definition, they're working over different companies with different incomes and different values.

Like, that's a real shit comparison. You can't compare CEO salaries. You know... Oh, go ahead. You compare like jobs to like jobs. So if you have a female supervisor on the sales floor versus a male supervisor on the sales floor, Hey, if you're a woman and you're in payroll, why don't you check those salaries,

compare their education levels and their experience levels and the number of hours they work, and guess what? If the guy's making more, fucking report it because you're in the power to do so. It doesn't fucking happen because it's not true. When you normalize for all those variables that I mentioned in the video,

it's just the fucking not true. People don't leak an entire company's payroll data because it's super illegal. Like, that person would go to jail forever for exposing everybody's private data. Oh, come on. Unless someone doesn't happen. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Back in my world now. Here's an interesting thing about comparing, you know, you could say it's apples to oranges, but women generally, uh, okay, for example, India had a huge problem with graft and corruption. So their solution to it was to put more women in charge because women traditionally don't rip people off like men do. Like, what? Yes.

That is exactly. That is exactly the case. How many dinners in my butt? The reason a female CEO probably makes a lot less than a male CEO. And look, if you want to say this dinner stereotyping, so be it, is that, like, women have this kind of sense of shame that men, like, we just don't have. Like, I want as much money. I want as much money as I can squeeze out of my boss, and I don't care.

Like, I want as much as I can get. Like, you know, I don't know if that's the same for the, for the fair sex. Oh, you're lucky you're married. Wait, are you publicly married? Are you a big enough celebrity to not admit that you're married? I'm married.

Oh, right, yes, because all the fan girls are after me. Exactly, yeah. You're lucky you're married if you think that women are not as cunning and duplicitous and greedy as men. You are fucking lucky, my friend. Dick, you got some voicemail. You know what? Yeah, I do, but you know what? You didn't cover on that wage gap thing. I think I figured out what that final 7% is.

What? Being on the rag. Okay. Here we go. Again, I try to make a really well-thought-out, cogent argument. I bring in statistics and then Dick just, oh, maybe they just have a period every month. Yeah, great. I do have a comment from Eddie. He says, I found Maddox's Tinder bio.

Did you see this one? No, let's hear it. Here it is. I'm a trend-setting egalitarian that enjoys Kara-Kera oranges. Oh, I do. You too? I don't even know what that is. What is it?

There are oranges that have been somehow, like, cross-pollinated or cross-bred with strawberries? Oh, fuck off. Okay. Yeah, they're delicious. That sounds really good. I don't know why you time to fuck off. Yeah, they're only in season two. That's delicious.

He's so happy about it. Do you have any of those in the house right now? Can I have one? I ate them all, but I think they're in season again, so we'll check the grocery store right after this. But who also hates hipsters. I despise sapio-sexuals, but I'm looking for someone who can challenge me mentally, which means you're going to have to be pretty smart. Is that your Tinder bio?

No, it's not my actual Tinder bio, dickhead. I don't know. This guy says he found it. Yeah. Great. That does sound like you. Why would... There's no...

It's all I'm saying. He knew about those oranges. Yeah. He's just an ardent fan. You can't blame him. I got another comment. What if he's getting laid a shitload on that bot? What if he's getting laid more than you on Tinder because of that bio?

Because of the one that he just made up? The fake bio, you mean? The fake bio? Yes. That would make me really mad because people sometimes imitate me and then maybe do a better job. I don't know. It fucking pisses. me off if they figured if they figured out how to be a better me on tinder and they get laid more

oh man i'm getting i'm i'm i'm i'm gonna jerk off out of anger that sounds like a fun contest yeah who can get laid the most asmatics on tinder i get everybody's showing up to dates with an i patch in your book which you probably do i don't know you know what we should do that i we should create tinder accounts for everyone in the room and and i'll write the bios for or they'll they should all be pictures of me right and we can test it out yeah i'll write different bios Is that the lady breaking into the house? Oh, God. I got some more voicemails if you want to hear them.

All right. Let's try this one. Hey, this message is for Mad Ox. If I sound weird right now, I'm in the bathroom because my fucking girlfriend won't let me get any time away. So I'm trying to find stuff that's useful in life. So anyway, I just wanted to say that in one of the episodes you had said, this is previous, you said that dogs can be considered a member of your family because they didn't contribute to listed reasons such as they couldn't drive you to the hospital and they couldn't

massage you. True. Well, what about a paraplegic or a handicapped member? Yeah. So just because they can't contribute means they're not a member of your family, you fucking asshole. All right, see you. Nice logical statement. Now he's back to just.

hiding in the bathroom, by the way. Yeah. While you're hiding in the bathroom, dickhead, did you ever stop to consider the possibility that maybe dogs aren't members of your family because when they die, you just buy a new one and you don't buy paraplegics or quadriplegics, dick fuck? You don't just go out and buy people trying to get fired. You wouldn't want to buy a paraplegia or a quadriplegic.

You'd want to buy like someone with like working arms and legs. Oh, yeah. Okay, Assyrios, don't discriminate against... I would buy... All I'm saying is if I had my choice, I would pick the one with the one with the worker garment drugs. Of course. You're going to choose among all of them.

You're going to choose one who's going to give you a massage and drive you to the hospital. But with a dog, no, they can't drive you to the hospital. I've never seen a dog drive anyone to the hospital. Have you? You don't replace dogs when you buy a new one. They have a new personality. It's a new pet. It is a new member of the family.

It's not a member of your family because when it dies, you put it in a shoebox and throw it away. You put it in a dumpster. You don't do it. That's exactly the same thing that you do. with people. It's just a more expensive shoe box. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. They both go in the fucking incinerator, because they're both

a corpse. No, they don't, dogs, you just throw out, you put it literally in the kitchen, garbage bag. Okay, and he tacit and they do not do that, Robert first. Durst? Dirst. You can do way cooler things with dog corpses than human corpses.

Like, you know, taxiderm, you can have your dead dog, like, position dog cool, your dead parakeet. Exactly. You can't do that with a human, you'd be called the monster. You can. Have you ever seen that Chinese museum that goes around? Oh, right. All those Chinese slaves whose bodies they stole and turned into that museum.

Yeah, great example, man. You're talking about the plastic people, right? Yeah, yeah, the bodies in motion, whatever was. No, they're real, yeah, the bodies are real, that's what talking about. Yeah, that's not cool. It turns out that all, it turns out that all those bodies were, like, stolen corpses of

Chinese slaves. Oh, they were? Yeah. Yeah. But look, I'll still go. Whatever. I went to see the other day. There were prisoners. That's what it was. They were prisoners, convicted prisoners.

Hey, put them to some good use. Why not? What do they want their bodies for? You don't buy people. All right, I got a special segment for the 50th episode. Oh, great. Yeah. Because everyone, every episode throws this at me,

and I never bring it in. Because I think to do this, it's a Maddox versus Maddox. Oh, well, well. I don't think it's funny to throw my friend's words back at them. I'm not that kind of guy. Okay. You know, I like shooting straight, right? I'm a uniter, not a divider.

Oh, sure. But everybody, everybody throws at me constantly, and I finally got one worth bringing in, not because of the content, but because of the theme song. Consistency is difficult and so on mouth degrees. He makes love to his principles with randomosity. Everyone's who did that work.

Fighting man to man But self-defeat Can be such a treat No excuses for the water Who can take the heat Do some research on yourself Before you speak to me It's Mad Ox versus Madox

That's pretty good That was great Yeah Waterboy made that I'm an asshole Here's his part I'm not gonna read any of them I'm just gonna play You know what

Only Waterboy is allowed to do this All right So anything he sends in I'll play What he's got? I'm so tired of these fucking cry baby pieces of shit They just want to make They want to make money by finding him.

They want to make money by selling it. They're a bunch of fucking hippocrit douchebacks, and you're a hypocrite douchebac for supporting the shit industry. I brought it in as a problem. No. That you brought in. You brought it. Do you honestly think the NFL is a problem, Dick?

Are you going to boycott the Super Bowl? The no fun league is a problem. I think they can fix it. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Hey, Maddox. I'm glad you were able to call a dick on his hypocrisy for enjoying the NFL despite its corruption and money-hungry mentality. I'm glad that someone was able to set you.

example of perfection by boycotting corporations you disagree with. Like, for instance, when it comes to Sony. Yep, Dick, I would love nothing more than for Sony to just go the fuck away and start being a normal company. Do you have a PS4? Do I have a PS4? No, but I'll probably get one. It's the lesser of two evils right now, and I love video games more than I hate Sony,

so I have no choice. Dick could learn from a man who is as consistent with his philosophies as you. One should refrain from supporting the sports, greed, and red tape by supporting the video game industry's street and red tape. Especially with money. When you give a corporation money, logically they will go away. Oh, wait, except that doesn't make sense and you're the hypocrite.

Oh, oh, no. You're the hypocrite. You're the hypocrite, Star-Lord. What do you think about that? Wow, good argument. Except for the part that it's not. I literally explained myself in that clip that he played. Look, Sirius, have you ever had a job you didn't like? Yes, every job I have. Every job you have you didn't like. Sean, have you ever had a job you didn't like? You got to get on the money.

Everyone's saying yes. And did you go to those jobs regardless, despite the fact that you hated that job? Yeah, but I need money to pay my rent and to buy food and live. I don't need a PlayStation 4. Right, right. I've had a blowjob I didn't like. What? Okay, Dick.

It's not about necessity, all right? This is about making a choice. You need to, you like to eat more than starving, don't you? I do like to eat more than starving. So video games are food for you? No, they're not in necessity. I'm saying that my amount of love for video games is greater than my hatred for Sony. Therefore, I can live with the fact that I own a Sony PlayStation, even though I hate the company.

That's what makes you a hypocrite, though. It's not hypocrisy. It's the lesser of two evils. Look, I hate Microsoft Windows. But you don't have to choose either evil. The point of the lesser of two, it's like, the point of the lesser two. Two evils is that you're stuck with one of them. I'm not saying I have to.

I want to. I hate windows. That's what makes you a hypocrite. No. No, it's not. It's not like I... It absolutely is. I'm tired of your horses shit and I'm sitting in a room with you. How is it any different than the NFL?

How is Sony different than the NFL? If I'm a douchebag for supporting the NFL, how are you not a douchebag for supporting Sony? Well, the NFL, first of all, Dick, it's a... If you like the NFL... Arms up. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I don't even... remember what you said that episode. I don't think you were saying you didn't, you didn't like the NFL. You said you liked the NFL. You hated the No Fun League. You hated certain aspects of the NFL.

Yes. Absolutely. So, so for example, I, a lot of times people say, because I shit on Apple so much, they say, oh, well, Microsoft isn't better. What's the deal with Microsoft? Of course, Microsoft isn't better. I hate Microsoft, too, but just because I hate Microsoft doesn't mean, just because I hate Apple doesn't mean I love Microsoft. Just because I shit on Bush, George W. Bush, doesn't mean I'm a flame. who's going to vote for a Democratic president. You're definitely flaming, though. Okay. And who are you gay? Yeah, but that is, the lesser of two evils is Windows and Apple.

You have to pick one. No, you don't. You can pick Linux or you can not compute. I'm not going to choose to not compute. Great. Great. Guys, I don't know how to more clearly explain it. I don't like to drive, but I do sometimes.

I minimize the amount of driving that I have to do. I choose the thing that minimizes my agony and maximizes my fun. And right now that's the Sony PlayStation 4. All right. Well, I don't know. Waterboy says it. I didn't bring it in. Yeah.

I saw that coming a mile away. Should we get to some problems? We're already getting long. Well, hold on. One more. I got one more. A couple quick comments. I have one from Joey Meza Kappa.

He quotes you. He says, Dick, how big are her cans? And Maddox says, I'd say roughly as big as two pound bag of sand. And then I got some fan art from Canon Manly. He says, since photo comments are not enabled on the site, although Dick, we are now announcing a new feature for the website. Fan art, you can upload your own fan art on the website. This should be available by the time you listen to this episode. Yeah.

Because we're getting a lot of fan art. I'm not even able to keep up with it. But he says, since photo comments are not enabled on the site, thought maybe you could pass this message along to Dick for me. Dick, you magnificent bastard, you know what makes me? a person look more of an asshole than being too high or passing out on a beanbag chairs? Sporting those flowing locks of your

sporting those flowing locks of yours while drunkenly tossing oranges at bearded bros, R.E. Episode 29, and here's the picture he sent in. Look at this, look at this picture. It's a picture of... Oh, that looks badass. It's kind of funny, yeah. I got my wild turkey there.

First of all, I'm more muscular than this. No, no, that's false. But I like the attempt. I like that my hair is flowing beautifully in a pose of action. I've got a bottle of wild turkey, more full than I've ever seen a bottle of wild turkey in my possession. And I got a cool dog right there, my buddy. Well, we got two uninvited guests with Asteroos' problem.

Do we need to cover anything more? Do you have any stats for us, Asteroos? About my problem? Yeah, let me get into it. Greek. Greek sneakie Greek. Sneaky Greek. Sneaky Greek. All right, well, let me just. say, okay, sorry, you're going to have to call this out.

All right, so my problem is unexpected guests. Unexpected guests are the worst. I made Dick super angry when I walked in here. Because unexpected guests are the worst. Now, think about it. You guys have your whole weekend planned out. You got a long list of casual female acquaintances to drunk text. I'm finally going to write that screenplay nobody asked for.

Dick's going to do his bi-annual sheet change. Why did I get that reputation? Some broad emailed me and said she would blow me on my chili stained sheets. Gross. Yeah, that's what I said. I didn't even, well, I responded a couple times. So how did it go? I didn't respond that much.

Well, all I'm saying is, you got your whole weekend planned out, and then some asshole just drops by. Perhaps an asshole who flew across the country just to see you, and now your weekend has to be a weekend. about entertaining this hypothetical half Greek, half Chinese guy. Okay? Where are you going to eat? Where are you going to eat tonight?

Well, he made the trip. So you got to eat where he wants to eat tonight. Bukka de Bepos. I fucking hate Bougat Bucca. Yeah, I know you do. That's why we're going there. It's family style. You know, what are you going to do for fun tonight?

Well, he flew across the country to see you. So you're going to do what he's. he wants to do, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. On the Cineramodom or in IMAX, I'll accept nothing less. I want Paul Blart to be as big as my love

for Paul Blart is. Where's he going to sleep? Well, he made the trip across the country. Maddox, can I crash here? So he's going to crash at some chump's couch, isn't he? Some total rub. He's going to crash with that guy.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's going to use your shower. Oh, wait, wait, hold on. There's a type of in my script. He's going to pee in your shower.

He's going to leave a smell in your couch that you're going to puzzle over for months. Spoiler alert, it's barbecue flavored pop chips. He does a lot of late night stress eating. He's going to use your razor from harries.com using the promo code, biggest problem to get $5 off a checkout. They like the blade so much they bought the facts. Factory. We bought the factory. We bought the factory.

Okay. So has this hypothetical bunch of particularly excitable coconuts booked his return flight yet? No, no, he has not. Because when it comes to inconveniencing you, the surprise guest keeps it casual. Okay? Unexpected guests, also, they usually don't rent cars, but don't worry, they're going to take. the bus. He's not going to take the bus. He's just saying that you're going to be his unpaid Uber driver slash bitch. Oh, I got to drive you around now too.

Well, I could also ride on your handlebars. Yeah, you play your cards right. In your dreams, buddy. Ride like a samurai through traffic. You'll see. You'll see how ride like a samurai. And when you finally ask him to maybe consider heading home, it'll be completely drama-free. I mean, he only used all his airline miles to get here. Maybe he was going to use them to take his grandma on a trip to Vermont, but he thought you guys were friends.

I guess that was his mistake. No, no, it's cool. No, it's cool. He gets the hit. I mean, story of his life. Who would want a guy like me around anyway? Seriously. Well, okay.

You know, I'll tell you where he should sleep. Where? On a bed made by Casper, this episode is brought to you by casper.com. Make sure to... Go to casper.com slash biggest and you... Go to casper.com slash biggest and use promo code biggest. They get $50 towards any mattress purchase. Hey, how is your Casper mattress, by the way?

It is no joke, the most comfortable mattress I've ever slept on. Is it really? Yeah, Serios, you will never know. pleasure. I will not let you sleep on my Casper mattress. What if I fall asleep and it's super drunk and you can't move me? There you go. Dick, do you have any whiskey on you? Always. Always. It's just

in his pores. Just squeak out his shirt. Just suck on my face. Mattresses can cost well over $1,500 but Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin-sized mattress, $750 for full size, $8.50 for queen's size, a $9.50 for king-sized mattresses.

The price alone is worth watching it come out of the box, I think. Yeah. Let's talk more about that. We got shit on so hard for being so impressed by how they ship this thing. Yeah, it feels comfortable, guys.

I've been sleeping on it for a couple months now. It's the best mattress I've ever slept on. And I know I'm supposed to say that. And I sound like a shill. But what is... Calm down. Calm down. Oh, well, well, not silencing your cell phone.

That's my problem. So you like the mattress? The mattress is great. You know, Buckley, remember Nathan Buckley, who he had on here? I think he bought one because of this show. Oh. Like he saw it, he saw the ads around.

You heard him around. How much money do you save with that promo code? You get 50 bucks. Well, he saved $50. That's great. It's pretty good. Risk free trial and return policy. Try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns.

They're made in America. So there you go. Yeah. The returns are painless free and so is your night of sleep, you guys. You know what? My, Thanks, Don Draper. I seriously.

I hate that. I hate that that was sarcastic. Listen, when I sleep in this thing, it's for real, it's like coma sleep. I get knocked out so hard. I wake up.

I've missed text messages, phone calls from family, which is always terrible late at night. You will ignore phone calls from your family. That was a phone call from my dad, by the way.

Oh, I know. I saw it, Dick. I saw it rumbling. Tremors over here. Dick, you got a problem for it. Is that all you got? That's my problem.

Unexpected guess. Well, it's a huge problem. So we're dealing with. Yeah. We're going to have a great weekend, guys. Including the two hours. We pissed away. Setting him this imaginary Skype phone call, motherfucking.

Oh, my God. That's what you guys get for having lives. That's all I have to say. You wasted more time collectively setting up the joke than you did flying across the country to be. Here. Seriously, I got to, my hat's off to you. That is one of the most spiteful things I've ever seen anyone do in my life. It's great.

By far. That is like, that is next level spiteful. That's like level 9,000 spite. That's incredible. I'm pretty proud of myself. Thank you. Do you want to go, we're already more than halfway through. I don't want to eat into your problem.

You want me to go next? All right. Yeah, if you feel comfortable with that. Yeah, let's get it out of the way. My problem, Dick, this week is first-time child experts. Or, in your case, Dick, no-time child experts. Because you remember from episode 9? Sean's shaking his head.

You remember from episode 9? He's shaking his head at you. Yeah, I know. Because you don't know shit about children. I don't need shit from us. You are one. I don't need shit from Sikiva. Were you the guy that was like afraid babies would malfunction and break in your hands?

Yes. Yeah. And from that... I would love to see you explain to a child while he can't... why he can't have a dog. Because they're replaceable. Because they can't massage you and drive you to the hospital.

You don't explain yourself to a child. Great start. Great start. Okay. Just obey these rules for no reason and figure out how to be well developed later. 50 years, lady, he's a Nazi. What did you do? He was just following orders.

Yeah, like I said, or in your case, Dick, no time child experts. So from episode 9, Dick, you said, I said make him hold a sign. We were talking about shame shaming, and I was talking about the dad who made his son hold a sign in traffic on the streets or something

because he was being a little shit. The dad or the kid? The kid was being a little shit. And then you said, that's crazy. That's just crazy parenting. And then you said, because you're a horrible person if you do that. Yeah.

And then he said, this is the direct quote. It's because you're a shitty parent. I'm neglecting them in some way. That's what you said. You gave parental advice, having had zero experience raising a child. Yeah, because I'm fucking smart. That's why.

And almost everybody, half of people, are fucking stupid. I do think I could raise their kids better than them with no experience. Yeah. Suck my cock. Okay. You think that, for sure. I agree that you think that. The end result is not going to be me forcing my kid to hold a sign out in the middle of the street saying, I have a small dick.

That's where that parenting leads to. Yeah. You know, it sounds like you have all the answers, Dick. A child expert. A first time, no time, child expert. Child experts. They're everywhere in public. They think they know what a baby is crying about at all times.

Their expertly trained ears can tell the difference between the cry of a child who's hungry and the cry of a child who's tired. And by the way, if you're so tired, why are they so, why do they have so much fucking energy to cry all the time? I never got that. Do you guys cry when you're tired? What the fuck are you talking about? Children.

Babies are either tired. or hungry. It's a guess. It's a desperate guess from a desperate person who's been hearing crying for anywhere between 24 hours straight or six months straight. I've been hearing crying how long is this episode? 39 minutes now. In that side of the room. They think they're such experts in child psychology. You, Dick, you think you're such an expert in child psychology. Yeah. Because it's the same as adult psychology. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, your own life might be a total mess, which it is. And you're standing in line at McDonald's for dinner. So things can't going that well for you, but you know what? Why don't you share some unsolicited life lessons

with a parent in front of you? They look like they could use a few pointers on raising kids who you've never met and know nothing about. Who does that? This is an imaginary person that. Nobody is sitting in line at McDonald's watching a family freak out and go, uh, excuse me, can I just offer some parental advice to you? Nobody does that. That is not a real thing. That is the most straw man of straw man arguments ever. Well then, I wish, you're going to wish you didn't say that a second ago because I have some stats from the New York Times. This actually happens all the time. This is from the New York Times. This journalist wrote, she said, I told the stranger at the next table in a restaurant one time not to wake her child from a stroller nap because, quote, you should

never wake a sleeping baby. It never goes well. She offered this unsolicited advice. And then she herself was offered unsolicited advice when she was putting groceries in her car. Her kids were screaming and this woman came up to her. And she thought, oh, this nice lady. he's coming by to give me a hand, put groceries in my car, because my children are screaming and unruly. Instead, the lady said, hey, you know, if you let your child's cry long term, it's bad for them, and then walked away. Yeah, so she walked away instead of offering to help this woman. She gave her, hey, you know what she needs? Her hands are full. Her children are crying. She needs some unsolicited advice. Let me walk over and give her some parental advice. That's you,

dick. Can I ask some questions? How is that him? He doesn't do that. When it's, he knows what's best for children. All of your stats on this episode, anecdotes from broads writing for the New York Times. Like, did you consult Tumblr to get all these statistics? Here's what I wish I would have done today, but I didn't actually do. But my little collective would never question that, right? I just want to say, I totally believe this happens. I totally believe that there are women out there that have absolutely nothing better to do

than, like, prove their superiority over other women who are having trouble with their kids. Yeah, hey, by the way, I'm not. the one selling t-shirts on how to be a parent. I'm holding in my hand if your child, a shirt that you can get, can you get this at maddox.xmission.com, the shirt that I'm holding at your fucking slip store, whatever it is? You can, I believe it's 1895 for the t-shirt, yes. If your child doesn't look like this when you've come,

it was from a satirical... If your child doesn't look like this when you come home, and then it's a child cowering in fear, you have failed as a parent. Right. So this is not you telling people. This is you recruiting people to tell other people how to parent.

So why don't you go fuck yourself about what I tell people? Didn't you also write a book called crappy children's art where all you did was tell people how to make their children better and how their art is so terrible and how you would be so great at it?

No, no, no, no, no. And then you implied that your mentality is what created Mozart? Did you also do that? No, you guys, no, no, no. Okay, yeah, I did say that. I did, I didn't like it myself. We're using your own babies against you, Maddox.

We're both holding up your merchandise. We literally don't have to get up to get this evidence. We're sitting down in your store room. We don't even have to, I have to turn around a tiny bit to find this shit. Uh, yeah, Dick, look, there are parents who definitely need to be told they're fucking up. Like, if you leave your kid in a parked car while you run to, to the store. Don't want to bring a kid with you. Don't bring it with it. Then don't go to the fucking store. Like, this isn't about telling people how to raise their parents. The only

time I care about parental rules is if it affects me, right? If your kids sitting in a, if your kids are getting unvaccinated because you're making a choice as a parent, I'm not going to vaccinate my kid. Fuck you. There's an easy fallback. Yeah. You know people are going to support the vaccination shit because it's true. And by the way, he also brought up a child baking to death in a car to defend his position. All of a sudden. Yeah, that's not a parenting choice, Dickhead. If you just leave your car, your kid in a car, or if you decide, if you decide not to vaccinate

your kids, that affects me. And if you decide to let your kids draw crappy art and you reward them for it, it's going to create mediocre art. That affects you somehow, too. But here's the thing. The reason we don't call people on their anti-vax bullshit is because we don't want to be, what's the name of your prom again? First-time child experts.

We don't want to be first-time child experts. You don't want to be first-time child experts. Like, I know people who don't vaccinate their kids. Are you serious? Yes. Yeah, I do, too. And I don't want to get in their face about it. Why?

Because I want to, I don't want those kids cut out of my life. It's, you know, I've- So this is like family members. Yeah, exactly. So it's the kind of, you know, you want to talk about the Ledger 2 Evil is, it's the kind of thing where it's like, yeah, look, I could really sit down a family member and be like, you are ruining this kid's future.

And you really, you might hurt this. this kid, you, I know you believe this, but you're wrong, but then, like, I don't get to interact with that kid anymore. And it's not going to work. You can't convince people out of their beliefs. And they just, because they're not scientists. Yeah. Like, people in this room are not qualified to say for sure whether or not vaccines work. Like, I trust it. At the end of the day, I just kind of have to trust it. And that's most people, sitting someone down and talking them into having the same trust as you was just not going to work. Yeah. You know, some of these anti-vactors are actually starting to come around because their kids are getting really, really sick.

And there's this mom that was on the news recently. She was a huge anti-vaxer, and she said, yeah, my kid got measles and it was pretty serious, almost died. I'm changing my mind about vaccinations, getting all my kids vaccinated. These fucking morons, the chickens are coming home to roost now because they're stupid policies and their stupid parental belief stick. That's not a parental decision. That's a correct metaphor.

He's a correct metaphor. Hey, let me ask you something. Has the thought ever crossed your mind of Stereos to just vaccinate the kid? Oh, yeah, of course. And not tell them. One time I spent like two hours googling like, how do I secretly vaccinate?

Like, is there a kit I can buy? And I was just like, nah, I can't, that's got to be some sort of super crime. Like injecting a serum into a kid that's not yours. Like, although that is how we have Spider-Man, isn't it? Well, look, I haven't decided yet. I still might secretly vaccinate this kid. But back to Maddox's issue, it's like, see, that's kind of the spectrum of it.

Like, on one hand, we don't want people annoying ladies trying to put groceries in their car, but if we don't annoy anybody, we have all these unvaccinated kids running around making vaccinated kids sick. It's like, what the fuck do you do? Annoy everybody. Fuck them. Fuck them. You're trying to load groceries and you? Hey, lady, shut your kids up.

Is that a problem? Do you feel bad that you got quite? called out in the middle of a parking lot, no one fucking cares. Shut up. Shut your kids up. Get out of my fucking face. Yeah, no, parents... What side are any of us on at this point?

We're all just yelling. I forget if I afford this or gets this. Do you like this or hate, what are we talking about it before? The beer's worth a beer. I need another beer. I know what side I'm arguing. Now, listen to this. You know, if you choose not to vaccinate your kids, it's not a parenting choice.

Like here's where you draw the line, okay? I wrote, I thought about this. Here's where you draw the line about unsolicited parenting advice and unhelpful criticism. Because one is unhelpful criticism when the lady's putting her groceries away. And the other one is unsolicited parenting advice when you're telling them how to raise their child. Right. So if your child is screaming and running around in a restaurant, it needs to be put down. Right.

There's some advice. All right. Why don't you take that advice and stick it up your ass? Also, I know parents think it's cute to have a learning moment by asking their kid what they want to eat in a restaurant, but hurry the fuck up because the rest of us learn how to eat in school, not by holding up an entire restaurant while your little monster decides between chicken nuggets or grilled cheese. And that's always what they choose. Also, here's some parenting advice. How about the kid eats what you give him? When did choice become a thing that kids have?

This isn't Nickelodeon, dickhead. It's a restaurant. Kids don't rule anything. And by the way... Is that the Nickelodeon slogan? Yeah, where kids rule. Yeah, it is where kids rule. Headphones, why do you know that?

Wait, aren't you just making foot of dick for giving advice? This is all parenting advice. This is all parenting advice. You don't have any kids. You're a serious time parenting. That's what you're doing. Oh, are you guys, are your headphones working? I literally just said you draw the line where it affects me.

If I'm standing in a restaurant waiting for you to order because your little monster is sitting there having a learning moment with the menu, I get it. It's cute, dickhead. But save your hallmark moment at home and sit down and read comic books and whatever the fuck you want with your kid, but not in a restaurant. Because guess what? It's busy. Commerce doesn't have to come to a fucking stop because you're a little shit. Can't decide between chicken nuggets. And he's just going to order nuggets anyway.

Order the fucking nuggets and move on. Yeah, and Dick is the libertarian in this conversation. Yeah, right. Dick's the Rand Paul voter. That is why I always order for women when I go out. I want to keep things moving. They charge them on. It does.

It totally does. It absolutely does. Oh, yeah. All right. They want to take charge guys. Oh, yeah. Especially when it comes to what goes in their mouth. You know what I'm saying?

And in their butts eventually. Oh, man. Gross. All right. I just want to end on this one last point. No, wait. Let's talk more about that. Oh, no.

Sorry. Yeah. Let's not talk about. You have one more parenting advice for people? This is from a website called scarymommi.com. and it's a website that has like a top ten of like you know top ten list of this of annoying parental advice they get here's some here's some things that they've actually heard sleep when the baby sleeps and then the lady said oh so my baby sleeps when i'm riding around

in the car any other suggestions she said here's another one says breast milk is literally liquid gold oh you're right thank you kind stranger that doesn't sound like an overstatement at all the other one is does the baby have a jacket in case it gets cold no no no this suitcases of a diaper bag I'm carrying is filled to the brim with only my parenting insecurities and tissue paper. And then this last one I really liked. I said, I just let my baby tell me when he or she is hungry. Great. So you didn't feed them until they were 18 months old.

Smart. A real money saver. You know what, Maddox? You would make a really good single mom. I don't need parental advice from you, Dick Masterson. Yeah, because you're full of it. You can't stop giving it. I'm not claiming I know what's best for a kid.

I don't know shit about kids, except they're annoying. So just when they're being rude, then you want to, then you won't have parenting advice. If it affects me, it's a problem. And that's when I start to tell you what to do with your fucking kid. If your kid is budding in my life, I'm sitting there on a hot date, which all my dates are, I'm sitting in a restaurant. Because of you or them? Well, I do my part, buddy. I'm like 90.

I'm 90% of it. I shave my goatee, I shave my beard, yeah. Yeah, what about the Mozart shit, though? What? That doesn't affect you. Of course it does. That affects not just me, but it affects me in the biggest possible way. It is affecting our culture and society.

It is dumbing down society. It is making crappier art. It is lowering expectations. We're going to have a building, like, we're going to have skyscrapers leaning up against each other like an idiocracy if we don't watch it. So that affects you. Yeah. So that's okay to tell people how to parent their kids. Yeah.

But what I'm doing is bad. No, because you don't know shit, dick. What the fuck do you know? You don't know anything. You don't even understand dogs. You are trying to tell a guy what is and isn't a good way to discipline a kid when you don't fucking have one. I'm not doing that. I don't give a shit how you discipline your kid as long as it doesn't affect me.

Where's the shirt? Where's the t-shirt? That's satire. That's obviously satire. I'm not telling people to go abuse their kids. You believe this. It's satire, but you believe the kernel of this. You believe that kids should be punished.

You believe that you should be honest with children when they're not doing something amazing. You believe in honesty towards children. Yes. But that's my own personal beliefs that I would govern my kids with if I ever had it. If I was ever unfortunate enough to have kids, that's how I would govern them. Imagine how the kids would feel. I just want to give both of you a baby and see which one dies first. Like you're both so bad at this

And you're yelling about how much Words the other one is Sirius, you're on We're gonna get a baby in here We're getting two babies My sister's about to have a kid We could probably use hers Oh twins would be perfect

I have a friend who has twins Exactly She would sacrifice her kids for the show For a podcast So does this game now Which one of us can poison a little baby faster My child No no the longer

Whichever babies survive Yeah but I'm gonna try to kill his first. Oh, if he's not a good dad, then that's going to happen. A good dad stops their baby from being poisoned Maddox. That's, I'm going to carry antidotes with me everywhere I go. Antibotes. Antidotes.

Like Batman. The Maddox utility belt. Oh, man. I'm going to put in my... I'm going to mix it in my baby's food no matter what. Every single meal. Every single meal. That way, why wouldn't you?

The only way to be sure is if you breastfeed him yourself. No, I'm going to get a milf, a hot milf. All right. Are you done? We're all nodding in agreement. How did you think that would be a good problem? That's all you do is parenting advice. No, it's...

God damn it. Dick, again, I drew the line in the sand if it affects me, right? Like, leaning skyscrapers next to each other because that's what happened. Of course it does, Dick. That's like any, that could be anything, then. That's the butterfly effect. Yeah. Yeah, you'd literally anything that could be anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you guys like what's on TV right now? Do you like the state of the cable industry? No, because it's a little dog shit. Are you going to... Wait, was that a question or are you just answering your course? I know you don't. It's a rhetorical question.

Because this generation, the past generation of hippies that raised us, right? They told us, oh, you know, you're doing good enough. That's a good job. And then we didn't try hard enough. And that's why we got shit on TV. And I turn it on, I'm fucking bored. And I blame shitty parents. That's what affects me.

I don't know, man. I feel like throughout my whole life, I've always just kind of like, three or four shows that are on. Is that not accurate? Like, even way back when I was a kid, I probably liked three or four shows. Oh, is that why literally every single movie that's coming out in Hollywood

is a remake of something from our childhood because nothing new that's worthy is getting made anymore? Guardians of the Galaxy was new. No, it's not. It's based on a fucking old property. You know that comic came from like the 60s? And they changed the entire origin story

for fucking Peter Quill. But Die Hard was based on a book that was written way before. It's all based on something. No, not all. You gave one cherry-picked example. Well, pick another one. What's a completely original movie that was when we were a kid?

Like, what is it? I just don't think anything's completely original. I think that we have perspective now as adults that we didn't have as kids, so things seem stupid and more predictable. But, like, if you watch things you loved as a kid, like, I mean, this is sacrilegious, but ducktails, it's just, there's gigantic holes in it. It's just not as good because you can't get out of your adult mindset.

That's all I'm saying. Well, Ducktails is also based on, like, those comics from the 30s, you know, the advantage of Scrooge McDuck. Like, yeah, I try, I never watched Goonies as a kid, and I tried to watch it a couple of years ago, and I was like, this is the worst movie I've ever fucking seen. Yeah, that's pretty bad. My goddamn life.

Yeah. I tried to read Catcher in the Rye as, like, a 26-year-old, and I was like, this whiny little bitch needs to shut the hell up. Like, it was a holding cofield, whatever, oh, that guy sucks. You know, when you're a kid, you think I watched Save by the Bell as a kid. I was stupid. Kids are stupid. Kids are stupid, but the reason that we don't see any,

any new stuff in movies anymore. It's all Smurfs and Garfield and oh, what are they doing? Scooby-Doo. It's all it is. Transformers, Ninja Turtles. No, there's nothing new. That's the line.

That's what's coming out. You know they're making a live action? I don't know if we're going to top that. I think we should move on to your problem. Whatever. Fucking shit all over. I bring in this well-researched problem again. You guys don't understand.

What's your problem? Violated it the entire time. My problem is, all right, high school prom. Okay, all right. All right. I got an email from a kid by the name of Jay Evans. Hello, Dick, I'm a big fan of the podcast, and I need advice of which you're the most qualified to give. Oh, all right.

Probably something about lying or something about cheating on something. You see, I'm a high school junior, and my prom is just around the corner, having already spent 150 bucks on my ticket, parentheses, I'm an idiot. Can you believe that? $150. How much was it when you went? Did you go to prom? Yeah, it was like $40 or something? See, mine was $180.

Oh, really? And that was in like 1998. 1997, 198. Did you go? No, I watched porn with some friends. And I pushed my friends a van up a hill. What? Why?

Was that like a float? Was you guys having a little parade? What do you mean? No, there's this girl in high school I was kind of crushing on, so I thought... I would crush it with a van? Jesus Christ. No, no. like that. I was, I was, I was kind of crushing on

this girl and I thought, uh, prom day came and I didn't really have a date or anything because a girl's asked me out and I didn't realize what they were asking me out for so I did, I blew it. Anyway, um, hey, wait, how did that happen? What was that? Yeah, yeah, it's a long story. Basically, uh, I was, I was an idiot. Um, so uh, this girl, who I was kind of crushing

on, I thought, you know what, it's prom night? She's probably pretty lonely. Uh, I'll give her a call and see if she wants to go out, go hang out. I call her, her brother answers, and he goes, uh, yeah, she's a prom. I'm like, oh. And I, then I, then I, I later found out that she went to prom with, like, the biggest jock in the school. Like the prom king?

I'm like, oh, I guess she's a lot hotter than I thought. I guess everyone was after her? I don't even fucking know. I barely even saw her at school. Anyway, man, so my friends and I decided to ruin everyone else's fun. So we got in his van, drove up to this makeout peak where we knew all the prom kids were making out in their cars. We were looking for, like, steamy windows and stuff. And we were just, like, flashing our brights on their cars.

Well, that was the plan. On the way up there, the van broke down, and we were stuck on a hill. And so we all had to get out and just push it up this hill. And we got to the top, and we're all panting and heaving, and the car wouldn't start. So we had to roll it back down the hill just to get the engine started, and then we went home and watched Mystery Science Theater and porn, I think.

You pieces of shit. That's the most Maddoxie thing I've ever heard. You wanted to ruin everyone else's wrong, because you didn't realize a girl was asking you. It's like bags of sand. beats like bags of poison. It's the big perfect. There's like the perfect

50th episode story. You cock-blocking piece of shit. And I love that you're all huffing and out of... It's four dudes at a make-out spot huffing and puffing and getting out of some kind of gay orgy van. We were what, like 18, 6, 6, 17 years old? How old are you when you're prom?

Barely legal. A bunch of 17-year-old kids pushing this giant fucking iron van, which weighed as much of the fucking Titanic. this piece of shit. My friend's van, I still, I hate that fucking thing. We used to kick it. We used to go up to his house

when he wasn't even home and we just kick his van because it's such a piece of shit. And sometimes we'd call him like, hey man, look out the window. We'd be peeing on his van. He goes, hey guys, stop peeing on the van and said, no.

And you guys didn't have prom dates? Did you grow up in Napoleon Dynamite? What's happening? Utah, yeah. It's very similar to Napoleon Dynamite. So Jay Evans says, before securing a date, he bought his ticket.

I still fully intend to go. the problem is I don't have a date yet and probably still won't by the time prom rolls around. Being the type of guy you are, I'll bet you leave avenues with girls more often than you arrive with them. That's true. Which is good, but because I'll probably end up showing up to the big night without a date like a jackass, I'm asking you to put yourself in my shoes. What's the strategy to snag a date at the dance? Grateful yours, Sleazy, and Sarasota.

You should definitely still go to the prom because someone is going to blow up at their boyfriend. Like some girl's going to run off crying. Sneaky Greek. Sneaky Greek. And you can just slide in there and be the shoulder to cry on. And of course that girl is going to want to get laid on prom night. It's prim night. It's magical.

Exactly. You can't not get it. It's an automatic. It's prom night in Halloween. They're the two automatics for sex. You got to go to this prom, Jay. Does anyone who's not a virgin get laid on prom night? Wait, do you say that again?

Wait, does anyone who's a virgin? Who is a virgin get laid on prom night? No. No. It's a myth. It's a marketing myth like Vegas. All of the Vegas ads say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because nothing fucking happens in Vegas. You jerk off in your hotel room in Vegas and it stays in Vegas.

Yeah, and that's exactly my problem with prom. It has this mythos, like it's like, we're all going to get fucking laid tonight because these chicks are all tuned up to bang when it's the fucking opposite. Nobody gets laid at prom. It costs the average family spends a thousand bucks on prom. Oh, my God. It's insane. It is sanctioned, fun. It is a fake wedding.

It is like a pretend wedding where nobody's getting married. The marriage is between fun and death. Because it is the death of fun to go to a stupid, to a place that is a conference center during the day, a place where men in suits go when they want to die. That's where you're going to celebrate this stupid dance at like some Biltmore or Hilton conference center down, You know what I'm saying?

That's the venue of this prom. It is also the perfect illustration of what some dipshit kid thinks his idea of a fancy dinner is, which is always spaghetti factory. I'll tell you who it is, who I blame for this, the fucking baby boomers. And I'm going to bring them in. I'm going to bring them in as a problem at some point. But everything we experience in our lives as Generation X and like the millennial generation, is some kind of watered down, safety first, horse shit, nostalgia.

generated reenactment of something they did as kids. And they are the ones that trained us to do this. That's why the prom is like this must do and it's an important night of your high school life when it actually is jack shit and horrible and cost you a thousand bucks.

Chicks are treating this like a fucking wedding. This is a pseudo wedding where you go and pretend to be a married couple. Yeah, it's awful. It is a template for ruining your life because that's what you're supposed to do four or five years from now. when you're 25 and you drop out of college.

And by the way, ladies, that's why you're making less money if you decide to start a family. It's not discrimination, dickheads. But this, yeah, nobody is getting late at prom night. The only people who are having sex at prom are people who are already having sex

before prom. Those are the people who are cool, the cool kids in school, right? They're having unprotected sex. They're dumb. Well, let's not go crazy. Unprotected sex is, pretty much the only thing worth doing in life. Having unprotected sex is the top. Nothing else is as good as having unprotected sex.

Dick, I got a line for you. I saw this on the internet. Not even a line is as good as, you know... Not even a line is as good as having unprotected sex. Not one of those. I saw this line on the internet on a meme, and I thought it's so funny that I'm going to use it in real life. The meme was something like, if she don't raw dog, I go, no, dog.

So occasionally I would say that to a check. I say, hey, if you don't raw dog, I go, nah dog. It's worked every single time. One? Yeah. That's 100% of the time. Yeah. Here, let me tell you something about being fancy and being a grown-up,

because that's what they pitch prom as, right? It's a fancy adult wonderland where you're going to experience an adult. You don't take a fucking bus to a fancy party. What if it's a party bus, Dick? It's not a party bus. It's not a party bus when a 70-year-old woman is walking up and down the aisle making sure nobody's taking slugs out of a flask. Yeah, man, prom sucks, and you're a sucker for going to it.

You should drive up to make-out point and flash your brights on people who are making out. That's awful. Yeah, it's pretty fucking cool. I will do that. In fact, that's what we're all doing tonight. Is tonight prom night? Let's find out. I crashed the prom.

That's why I brought it in. Because his prom is. is tonight. Oh, is it real? This guy's going to use advice just in time. Well, I sent him some tips before. I was like, um, learn how to dance. Don't, don't be afraid of dancing because guys of your age will not dance because they're

uncomfortable. Dancing is stupid. Okay. Okay, Mr. Mr. King of Cockblocking on prom night. Except for break dancing, which Pirates and Lumberjacks would agree is cool. That's the only type of dancing. I, I, I, I, just learn how to step back and forth.

That's all I'm saying. Here's another thing. Here's another pathetic thing. My friend and I at one time, instead of going to another high school dance or something was going on, we went to Blockbuster Video and rented how-to breakdance video

and sat in his parents' basement watching this break-dance video and how to like pop and lock. This is literally Napoleon Dynamite. Your life is Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, I really resonated with Napoleon Dynamite. I thought it was a good movie. Don't get a tux, wear a suit, what's up?

Oh, I was going to say, are you going to talk about promposals? Oh, what's a promposal? Promposals are, it's like now you not only have to, you know, buy the dress, spend the $1,000. You need to be asked to the prom in a special way. No, fuck no. Yes, it's called a promposal. You need to be asked with fireworks, a spell your name, you need to be asked with a lip-dub video that's uploaded, you know, with all our friends in it. You know, you need to show up outside her house with a boombox and her families there.

Like, you got to have a promposa. Like, it sucks because you're right. You don't get laid on prom night unless you're already getting late. You have to put all this work in. And then it's just, it's fucking nothing. It's a pretend marriage. Yeah, exactly. It's a pretend marriage.

Yeah, at least on your wedding night, you get laid, you know, and all your friends are there's an open bar. Oh, it's so depressing. God damn it. What parents, like your odds are so stacked against you. You have four people. with a vested interest in making sure you don't get laid that night. Your parents and their parents, and five, actually, the Sheprow.

I don't know. I think my dad, like, I think your dad, if you're the guy, is gunning for you. Maybe. Maybe. Oh, come on. Depends. I want to check this chick out. I don't want to give parenting advice, but I will be gunning for that dude to get his dick wet. You know what I'm talking about? If you know what I'm talking about.

Dick, of course, that's why you give shit parenting advice. What are you talking about when you say get your dick wet? That's so vague. dudes. What could that mean? Taking a shower? Yeah, is that what you're talking about? Like, the worst time to get laid in your life is in high school because you're... What?

I don't know that's true. Okay. Well, first of all... It's the worst time to have a baby. It is, and you're way well likely to. I will disagree with that because your body, if you're a chick, your body will bounce back like a fucking super ball if you have a baby when you're young. That's a baby. That's a very big bitch. It's not about your body dumb shit. Then what do they can do the rest of that? their lives. Everything's about their body.

Every single fucking thing in the world is about a woman's body. What do you think it's about the Oculus Rift? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I brought this up. I'm sorry I try to make a point here. No, it's not about their body dick. Look, the first of all, the sex in high school

is awful. Oh, what? Yeah, it's the worst. Who are you fucking? It's just a bunch of inexperienced nobody sitting there bumping uglies, like trying to figure it out, like, oh, I did not putting on a condom for the first time. forget it get out of here learn how to have sex

you the best sex you have in your life comes later my friends I'm sorry to disappoint all you fucking cool kids having sex in prom and all the cool high school kids all the kids that aren't pushing a van to the top of it

this is what people who didn't go to prom actually believe yeah no sex sex as a teenager is the best it never gets better than that if you're a teenager do anything you fucking can to get laid That is as good as it gets, man. Oh, no, it's not. You're crazy.

It never gets better than that. You know what it is? It's like an unripened banana. You bite into it. It's a little bit too tart. It's a little bit too bitter. And you sit there and you wish, you know, hmm, this banana would be pretty good if I left it on the shelf a couple more weeks. That's what high school sex is like garbage. Well, I totally disagree. I think it's like watching Goonies. You've got to watch it when you're young. When you're older, when you're older, you see the special effects. You see the flaws. There's so many flaws.

Well, then that, you just made my point for me, Dick. You're diluting yourself with shit goonies when you're young. And then when you get older, you realize, huh, that wasn't so good. The magic doesn't work anymore. It's not the same. You know, I'd rather have another drink than get laid sometimes. I'm sorry, I'd rather have sex with women. I think that it's way hotter to have sex with women than adolescence.

You guys both agree about this prom problem, too. You're just looking for these weird, divisive wedge moments. You're both on the same page. No, we're not. No. We're not in the same page. No, where it matters, we're not on the same page. All right, getting laid as a teenager.

You wouldn't want to get laid as a teenager, really? Of course I would. I'm not saying I wouldn't. Well, that's the thing. That's all I'm saying. More than as an adult. Would I want to get laid more as a teenager? If you could pick.

If you could be banging, if you could be 17 right now and be banging a 17-year-old girlfriend. Right. Or, what do you, 43? Right. Go on, asshole. And banging like, I'm a 52-year-old woman. I don't know. What are you into?

I just, like, burst into anger sweats. I'm so mad right now. Like, for real. I don't care. That was all in my body. It's like, it's like waves. You know, you get the ripples in a pond. It's just, like, hitting my forehead.

And then it goes back down to my balls, and it comes back to my forehead. Go on. What's your shit? What's your... It was just a setup for that insult. Great. No, Dick, I would rather... First of all, 17-year-year-old.

are way too emotional, they're way too attached, they're way, it's just the drama that you have to deal with after the fact is just not worth it. Dick, you of old people. I found that to be the case now, grown up. Because girls want to know now where you're at. That's 100% on you, buddy. You're a shit communicator.

That's why. What do you mean? Why am I a shit communicator? Well, you, when you go into one of these arrangements, right, with another adult? You can say it straight, I don't care. I mean, I'm interested to hear what you have to say about that. Because you have set up expectations and you don't deliver on those expectations. And so things fall apart.

What kind of expectations are you talking about? With a woman? I'm setting up, yeah. Well, for example, if you're going to have sex with a woman, don't lead her on that you're going to begin a relationship with her if you don't intend to. But it makes the sex better. That it is! It makes the blowjobs way better. It makes them exist.

And it makes the sex way better. It's dishonest. That's why you have drama as an adult. That's why you're dealing with the drama as an adult. Right. As a kid. So I don't call that a poor communicator, though. Yeah, it's lying I would put under the umbrella of poor communication.

Ah, poor, I don't know. Are you lying or are you just omitting certain, or you just kind of leaving some things hang out there? That's a lie. You're not saying certain things. Hey, there's a lie and not telling the truth are not the same thing. Dick is right. If you're not in a relationship,

but the girl thinks you're heading there, the sex is going to be better and crazier. Yeah. So why would you not do it? Coming from the sneaky Greek. That's all I'm saying. Those girls go so much farther because they're trying to get you

and because you don't want it. They want to go farther and farther. They feel safe with you. Don't you feel like you're selling someone a lemon? Huh? Don't you feel like you're selling? Yeah, but you get to drink the lemonade. Don't you get it?

Sweet, sweet, delicious lemonade. What would you rather drink? Lemonade or lemon-flavored Kool-Aid? Well, I give them the Kool-Aid. No, no, no. Listen to this. Listen to this. Here's my whole angle. I don't mislead.

I tell people straight up, here's what's going to happen. Because if you do... What's going to happen? They're on a one... You're going to be very disappointed. Let's start there. They got a one-way ticket to Pleasure Town, buddy. And I'm the conductor.

You're going to be on a mattress that I saved $50 on, but with this promo code, if you're interested, if you find your experience pleasurable. Thank you for supporting us, Casper. So they ride on my train, right, to Pleasure Town. Oh, God. But before they get on, before they even get that ticket in their hand, and they're anxious through that ticket, they want that ticket to Pleasure Town, right? I say, listen, here's what it's going to be. This is the last stop. There's no more stops on this train to Pleasure Town.

and then they understand at the end of that train if I get off at that stop, that's it, there's no more ride, but there is no drama. That's how I avoid it. Because I'm honest. I tell them, this is what it is. Your sex must be so lousy without mind games. Mind games is like 95% of the sex for me.

Gross. Why is that gross? Because I'm not a fucking Jedi. I just want to get in, get out, and get on with my life. Jedi's pretty cool. Maddox. I am a sex Jedi. You know, when I think cool, I think Star Wars. But you fucking, the coolest

people I know are really into Star Wars. Lightsaber's are cool, Maddox. Lightsaber's are cool. Go on. Their sword, they're laser swords. By the way, I gotta plug something Nisteros is done. He has this General Akbar snack bar thing. Admiral Akbar.

Thank you. He has a name. He has his funny sketch he's done online. It's gone viral. It's Admiral Snack Bar. And it is is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It totally deserves to be seen. Look this up on YouTube. He does this concession stand routine as Admiral Akbar, right?

If you Google Admiral Akbar Snack Bar, you can see it. Yeah, I made nine crazy Star Wars comedy sketches. I think it's YouTube.com slash Astreos. You can see it. They've gone viral, right? They were on the Huffington Post. Playboy wrote about them. Yeah.

Yeah. Everybody's seen that. You've probably seen these, and you didn't even know, our very own boisterous coconuts did those. Those sketches. Thank you for funny stuff. Yeah, yeah. That's nice to you.

Anyway, is that all you got? Well, I got one more piece of advice. If you want to smuggle booze into your prom, put it in a Ziplock bag, some vodka, and like tape it to your belt area on your stomach. That is good advice. They won't frisk you there. And they will find a flask.

They will find because it changes the way your slacks move. If you're not used to wearing thin, like, tuxedo pants, it's easy to spot a flask. But definitely pop that zip lock under your belt or something like that. You also want to try to smuggle alcohol in in your stomach five minutes before you walk into the prom. Smart. Exactly.

You chug. You chug as much as you can because it's going to take 10 minutes to take effect. You walk through the doors. You're fine. You get in your shit face. It's great. So then you're going to have the people who are already having sex are going to have sloppy, inexperienced sex by people who are sloppy and inexperienced at drinking.

Great. Sounds like a perfect thing. How do you get experienced it sex if you don't have sloppy inexperienced sex? If a 30-year-old guy who did not have sex as a teenager has sex for the first time, It's going to be weird and experienced sex. How do you get experience? Well, you get experience in high school. Well, yeah, that's the thing.

Exactly. But it's not good. So you don't want to give up those precious golden years. This is not World of Warcraft. You're not grinding for experience points for six. Oh, I am. Literally grinding for experience. It's the best way to grind.

Jerking off on your Casper mattress does not make you better in bed. It's not about having experience. It's about being in the moment. that you might never get back. Whoa, sagely advice from Dick Masterson. Sounds like he's advising everybody, a no-time parent, giving us parental advice. I'm giving sex advice now. Oh, okay.

All right, let's go over our problems. You first. All right, my problem is unexpected guests. All right. Yeah. Shifty Sean knew about this, by the way. So Shifty Sean and Sneaky Greek. These two guys, these two guys...

That's our new cop show. Shifty Sean and Sinky Greek. Boisterous. So your problem was? My problem was Unexpected guess Which is clearly pissing some people It sounds like it's a pretty big problem

Yeah, I'm really pissed off now Now that the fun of this episode is worn off I'm really fucking pissed off And my problem was First Time Child Experts Or maybe just child experts Or no time child experts In your case, Dick

Or just go vote up Maddox It's the same thing Yeah, same problem Sure, apparently Because people can't figure out satire Maybe I need a satire tag on that failed parent t-shirt I don't know. My problem is high school prom. Oh, and before we go, can I make a plug?

Oh, yeah, of course. All right. Excellent. Last time we plugged your 20-something Mega Man villains, right? Yeah, exactly. There's a sequel coming out. It's called The Enemies of 20-something Mega Man 2. Oh.

And just for this week, the people who are listening to this podcast, you can pick up a copy for a buck at Devastatorpress.com slash Megamand 2. We'll link to that on the website. Oh, I would appreciate that, of course. Do you have any samples for that? Yeah, exactly. For example, dresses his baby up for attention, man, is in this book. Oh, I know that guy. They've always put their baby in a little fedora, little doucheback glasses.

Oh, with those little red shoes and little bow ties, it's the worst. They're little beats. They're $300 headphones for those little fuckers. Yeah, exactly. Vapes at inappropriate times, man. Won't stop talking about his rescue dog, man. Oh, the worst. Underpazon split checks, man.

And all of the worst villains that you brought into in your 20s, you can pick it up, you go to Devastatorpress.com slash Mega Man 2, just for this week, just for the listeners, just for a buck. A buck, fuck you if you don't buy it. How's that for a sales pitch? That's awesome. Maybe we should use that for Casper too. Anyway, what, you got anything else there?

No, that's it. All right, thank you. Assy for flying in and surprising us, and Shifty Sean for keeping the lid on this and let us piss away two hours of this horseshit setting up. See you next Tuesday. Tuesday. Do you got any voicemails?

Of course. Oh, I got a good one for Sean. Sean, you got to get on the mic for a second. This is a pretty hot voicemail. Hi, guys. This is Lucy from Sydney, Australia. I just want to say we're a huge fan of the show and when I say we're me and my friends. The only problem that I have, and I know this is going to sound stupid, but Sean, what did he look like?

I haven't done a lot of online stalking, but I don't have a clue what he looks like, and it's kind of agitating because, I don't know, we're just intrigued, I guess. Do you hear how it turned on this chick is? She sounds so good on. I'll just personally email him. She sounds like to. All right, thanks, guys. Have good work.

Thanks, bye. Sean, my iPad is slippery after playing that voicemail. Can you believe how turned on that chick is? Oh, my God. What do I look like? Okay, you know what? Let's leave that to you. We posted a photo a long time ago.

It was kind of like a little, just a little, it was a drive-by photo of you, Sean. When I was opening my butterfingers. Yeah, you looked like... Shortly after I did something. You look like Richard Gear meets Donald Sutherland, I think. That's a weird cross.

Do you know who I get? Who? I've gotten really some weird... People I don't even think look alike. I've gotten Richard Geer. I've gotten Edward Norton. I've gotten Patrick Dempsey. And this is the funniest one.

And actually, I think maybe the most accurate, I've gotten a young Alan Thick. Oh, yeah. You do kind of look like his kid, too. You know what, Dick, with the commemoration of our new fan art section, why don't we open this up to our fans? Why don't you illustrate what you think Sean looks like?

What are he posted in the fan section? I'm always a fat guy with sweatpants and a weed shirt. Yeah. It's the opposite. You do have kind of a fat voice. I don't know. I'm usually good at being able to pick out fatos by their voice, but you kind of sound, but you're not fat. You're not fat at all.

Thank you. That's weird. Yeah. You're welcome. I try very hard to stand you. You're too skinny, actually. Yeah. You need to put some fat on.

Let's go get some burgers, guys. Nice. You got more? Yeah, of course. Hi, Maddox. You received a voicemail a few weeks ago from somebody claiming to be a pansexual. Well, they were an imposter. I'm a real pansexual.

I think I believe this guy. I only have sex with pans. Okay. Now, if you excuse me, I have a 12-inch wood-handled Teflon-coated beauty that I have to get back to. You're fucking nervous.

Don't wait up, Maddox. Bye. Do you believe that guy? There's something going on with that guy. I don't know what it is. I don't know if he's a pansexual, but he's some kind of sexual that I don't, yeah.

I'm not on board with. Listen, Maddoch, I smoke just about every day, and I'll tell you what, I'll kick the shit out of you and some Street Fighter, buddy. Name the game, the time, and the place. I'll be fucking there, bro. You have to put this on Twitch. You're on, fuckface. You're going to challenge that guy? Let's do it. You're on.

Street Fighter Alpha, 2. Not 3. Not 3. I'll do 1. But Street Fighter Alpha, 1 or 2, you're fucking on. You're going down hard. You're going down harder than Dick's Titanic bit went down. I think it'll be back.

After that retarded parenting problem you brought in. Oh, sorry, yeah, sorry, I didn't give enough good parenting advice, like zero child Dick Masterson telling people how to raise their kids and how to discipline them. You got a song? Yeah, so this is sent in by Reverend Scott Dick. He sent in a very special song for us. He composed us himself.

I think he used a song from someone else. By the way, this Reverend Scott, it's the guy who on Twitter sent us these clips, Dick. You remember these? You know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot. And maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Yeah, I remember those quotes. That is, so that Reverend Scott is Reverend underscore Scott at Twitter.

He sent in this song. Maybe you'll appreciate it. Maybe not. Let's see. I doubt it. Here's a, it's actually a voicemail. So here you go. Hey there, Maddox and Dick. Ah, shit, hold on. I can't have you complaining about the quality of my phone call. There we go. I forgot to turn off the Maiden China button. What the hell? Background music.

That's better. Hey guys, this is Reverend Scott. I've been listening since episode one, and with the exception of a few clips of Dick that I sent into the show, I'm not sure why I haven't really given you any feedback before, Maddox. I don't know. I honestly don't fucking know. Although mostly it's because I've been too busy watching Sean's ass videos.

Sean's ass videos, an amazing big deal. Those are juicy. Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and let you know that just because no one held you guys accountable for some of the things that you said in the past doesn't mean it's not a bigger problem than AIDS. What is your problem with AIDS? See what I mean, Manix? At least you don't say shit like that.

What is your problem with AIDS? Whatever, just moving on. I just wanted to bring up a little dick versus dick action from episode 33 in regards to a broken toy truck dick purchased. I'm sitting there cursing myself, cursing my life, wondering who I can blame for this. Trying to fix these shitty servos

that are underneath the monster truck to get it working again or to get it working on Christmas Day again? What do I fucking see on the bottom of this thing? Made in China. Okay. That's my problem. Made in China.

Okay, your problem is what is it? Made in China. No, there's a fallacy here. Made in fucking China. It's not a fallacy. It's made in China. Shit that is made in China sucks.

No, not always. Not always. Get out of here, not always. I do think that everything comes out of there that we get access to is garbage. Ten minutes later. I mean, it's hard to make the case that, just in general, as a blanket statement,

all products come from China or crap. I'm not saying it's all. I'm not saying it's all. Oh, my fucking God. Somebody fucking kill me with a knife made in China. Now, there you have. Dick doesn't even know what the fuck he means. Thanks for setting the record straight, Scott.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Hey, that's no problem, guys. What? I guess we said that in an episode. Well, anyway, congrats on your 50th episode. That's a huge accomplishment. Manax, I figured you would have strangled dick to death during a Titanic clip by now. Almost.

Maybe you're saving that for the one-year show. Well, anyway, I'm getting out of here. Peace and love, guys. I've been snacking on nuts all night. It's a big jerk off that you do in your mouth. Thank you, Reverend Scott. Oh, he really was a Reverend. No.

That guy plays guitar in church. I know he does. I think he collaborated with someone online for that. Happy 50s, guys. Is that it? Happy 50s! Holy shit, Asteroes! Welcome, buddy.

What a fucking good, sneaky little trick. He kept the lid on this thing. That's why. Hey, buddy. Good thing.