The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 51

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me, is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's not funny. And Sean, our flummy engineer. Psychopaths? Oh, you got a new one. Somebody was calling you out for not saying gentlemen because you got made fun of in the comments.

Yeah, you said Darylix last episode, Sean. Is that what you're going to do? Is that your gag? Like Bart Simpson's chalkboard thing? You're going to say a new thing? Wait, I don't read the comments. I never read the comments. Did you see the photo I posted of you on the website?

Do you know there's a website? I do know there's a website? Sean, do you know where you are right now? I'm not sure. It's been like a 70 hour weeks or more. We're busting Sean's balls. He's been working like crazy. What's on the website?

Just in the comments, someone said that they were sad that you stopped saying gentlemen. And they blamed that they blamed another comment for making fun of you for being some kind of fedora wearing guy for gentlemen. Yeah, I know. He read way too much into it. I didn't like gentlemen. I tried it a couple times. Didn't like it. Of course.

On to the next. Well, speaking of moving on. Hello, it's usually good. Episode 51, Dick. The problems from last week when we had our unexpected guest was unexpected guests. You guys thought that was a huge problem. That is such bullshit. I should have won.

Asteroos robbed us of 30 seconds of Titanic. Because it was all the showmanship that people voted for. Yeah, you should have won on a show where they actually have winning because it's not the show. Followed by high school prom and then first-time child experts, All the problems last week came in the positive territory. You guys thought they were all problems. I'm actually okay with the voting on this. You barely got any votes.

You can barely suck my dick. I got over 300 votes. It's higher than your fucking whore shit. Sex with the X problem. Is it? What's sex with the X at? That's another controversial one. It's near zero.

Well, interesting. That one in burlese dancers. And know it all masseuses. Uh-huh. Yeah, real shit. Hey, guys, before we move on, I want to mention that I have a big announcement to make in a couple weeks, About a week and a half to two weeks on my website.

Stay tuned. It's a real big announcement. I've actually been kind of thinking about this for over a year now. And I'm going to mention it. And Dick, if you care to wager a guess, you can be my guest. Are you getting a dog? No. I'm not getting a fucking dog.

I don't like their sounds. I don't like their smells. They're cute sometimes. No. No, I'm not getting a dog, Dick. That's not the announcement? I'm not getting a dog, nor am I getting a monkey. Go vote up monkeys.

That's going to be my second guess. No. Were you really going to guess monkeys? There's other big news. What? The king, slackivism, was briefly toppled this week by female genital mutilation. Their neck and neck. Their neck and neck.

I think FGM. I'm going to call it FGM for now because I don't want to say female genital mutilation. Yeah, that's bad. FGM is number one. I think it's moving ahead. It's trending ahead, I think. and it was brought in later. So...

Yeah. Yeah, but it's still one of the earlier problems, Dick. I think that over time, the problems that are on the list longer are probably going to get more votes. We have to look at fixing that. I don't think so, because hunger's catching up fast. And that was brought in in episode 30.

It's still languishing in the low 20s or 30s. No, no, no, no, no. It's climbing. It's leapfrogging over your shitball problems. Yeah, your nose is climbing. Anyway, Dick, I got a comment from Charles Jackson Fairchild. By the way, one other thing, I want to say to everyone, happy Osama Bidlon Death Day. That was this weekend.

I hope you all celebrated with barbecue and giving each other alcohol and hand jobs. This is on YouTube, because we talked about the wage gap shit from a while ago. This is from Bloody Bleeder. He says, this is probably the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life. God, what a homophobe. Wait, you? He's saying that about you? He's saying I'm racist and a homophobe.

Okay. I got not sexist. He missed that one. He missed sexist. Yeah, that's a big one. Thanks, Ray Charles. Yeah. What do you got? I got a comment from Benoit. Jesus Christ. We were talking about these names in the bonus episode that just launched. Go buy the bonus episode. Yeah, thanks for supporting the show guys. The bonus episodes really help everything out.

And I mentioned this in the bonus episode, but all the episodes have transcriptions now. Make sure to check those out. Yeah, we were talking about the ridiculousness of some of these names. This guy has characters in his names that I don't even know. I don't know the name of this character. It's an eye with a little triangle hat on it. I don't know what that character is. An accent eye?

This guy, Benoit, he says on the problems list, I've just voted slacktivist down to second, and female mutilation up to first feels so good about myself and my good deeds now. Oh, man, that is some deep meta. There's some deep meta going on there. He did a slackivist move to vote down slackivism. Yeah.

Amadeus Jones says Please keep calling Maddox Starlord It's hilarious Right He's right about that Fine, call me Star Lord At least I'm the Lord is something Dickhead

What are you the Lord of? Jack shit Oh, I don't know Yeah I got a comment from Dan McLeod He says The biggest problem in the universe Is the best podcast in the universe

It could only be improved By calling Dick versus Dick segments Dick on Dick That's clever, I saw that one Yeah, what do you think? You should have thought of that Dick on Dick Nah you already coined it

You can't change In the middle I can change whatever I want. It's perceived as weak. You're perceived as weak. You do what you want there. Right, I will. That guy made the poster and everything.

I don't want a bunch of gay porn of me coming in if it's Dick on Dick. Okay, you heard that, everyone. Dick does not want a bunch of gay porn coming in. Got a voicemail, you want to hear it? Yeah. Hey, guys, Chris from Maine again. I think Osterios was actually on to something with his little parenting contest, but I don't think you guys could actually.

get a hold of a couple of real babies. If you look into getting some of those simulacra that schools are using to teach kids about parenting. Yeah. Bag of flour? Of course, it's not really a fair, fair fight because you can't exactly leave a baby, a simulacrum emotionally crippled for life by crushing its spirit, but, you know, I think Maddox is up to the task anyway.

Yeah. I think he's referring specifically to me with the crushing spirits part. We could have a contest. Who can raise a baby better? Oh, yeah, to raise a baby? You know the babies they're talking about, right? No, kids home? Yeah, they're like, not animatronic babies, but basically they make you get up at all hours,

like a real baby. It basically logs everything. And times you? Well, yeah, it, like, cries in the middle of the night, and if you ignore it, like, they get grades on this shit. So it's like it tells you when it needs to be changed. It tells you when it's hungry, it tells you. Just like a real baby. Just like a real baby.

You can't sleep through it. Oh, dude. You should do that. Why are they teaching them how to take out a loan or how to invest in the stock market? Or how to not run up your credit card into the quintuple digits. Or how to put down your fucking cell phone and be an adult for five fucking minutes and have a conversation with someone at a dinner table, you fucking zombies. Kid prison. Vote it up. Dick, less education is not the solution.

This is not education. This is a toy. This is a game that they're making kids play. Bad education is better than no education, I think. Well, hold on. Okay, I take that back. That's how you get World War II. It's supposed to scare the shit out of them.

Oh, I scare them out of getting a baby. Oh, yeah. When they see how much responsibility. Oh, no, that's not going to work. No, I'm on board. I'm on board with Sean, actually. That makes sense. I'm not saying it works.

That's the idea. Yeah, that's the idea. Oh, they won't want to fuck if we have this dumb alarm clock all night. Yeah, we... Now that I'm awake at 4 a.m., I'm texting my girlfriend. Can you think of saying anything or showing anything to a kid, to a high school kid that would make them not want to fuck? No. Like, I remember seeing the nastiest, grossest.

like herpes sores and all the STDs and all the videos and everything and everyone's still like yeah but I'm horny yeah uh I can't think of anything like what would you threats and a baby is definitely the worst STD you can get babies are the worst STD still not gonna work yeah no one you always think it won't happen to me well it's like talk me out of eating lunch go ahead give me show me an ad that's gonna make me not want to eat today I can show you my I can show you a dick that will make you not want to eat yours well if it's in between that's a pretty good self In between a hot dog bun, but... Your dick makes people not want to eat.

You specifically, I don't know. Maybe you want it. Maybe you want it. I'll still eat. I think a lot of people get an appetite when they see my dick. All right. Speaking of dicks, somebody re-edited some audio of ours a couple of shows ago. Oh, great.

Let's hear this. Let's hear this. I think it was Maddox. No, no, no, no, no. It's a one sound effect changed the entire conversation that we had. I think it's actually a great bit. Let's hear it. One sound effect.

Look at this cock Not only So not only is the cock short All right, yeah Thank you Sean Not only is the cock short It's the same size as the balls Either that is a short cock

Or it's a limp cock Both of which I'm offended by Bravo, that's actually really good I'm gonna hear it again Look at this cock That's great. Bravo, that's really good. I like that a lot.

I got a comment from Humble Dwelling. He says, So Dick just tricks girls into sex? What does that say about him? The drama is expectable, Dick. You sell false advertisement. What does that say about me? Yeah.

That I'm a man. That's why we do anything. That's why I put a shirt on. And so I can trick someone into having sex with me. That's why I participate in society. That's why we all do. You know, Dick, with you, it's poker. You got to put on your best bluffing face.

With me, with me, it's an all-included resort. And people are lining up, lining up to get into that resort. All-inclusive resorts are renowned as being horrible, tremendous scams. No, they're not. They're awful. The liquor is all watered down. The food is shit. The accommodations are shitty.

It's like mass-produced vacations. What I meant to say is, I'm an all-included trip to Italy. Huh? Oh, like you're a Price is Right, Showcase? Is that what you're saying? I'm the Showcase Showdown, buddy. You're the Showcase Showdown. Yeah. Yeah. Two people fighting intensely out of greed. That's what sex with you. It's like.

Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. Last week you were the conductor of a love train or something like that, if I remember right. Atko, the Bags of Sandtown. There was a... All aboard. All I've heard the bags of Sand Express. There was a girl in the comments. I think Emma Lison or whatever. She said, hey Maddox, if I ride this train

to love town, or the pleasure town, that's what it was called. Is there a round trip ticket? Do I get back home? And I said, no, there isn't. However, you just take a quick jaunt down walk of shame lane, and you're right there.

You're right there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Always going, never coming on the Maddox Express. Oh, people. People come left and right, buddy. They come before they even get on the trade.

I'm sure. All right. Here's a good. This is a good voice man. Not as you drove a van up to the makeout point and flashed your brides into people's cars because they were making out so that you could ruin their fun. Pretty cool. You're literally the king of ruining fun. Don't ever complain about being a ruiner of fun again.

You are. That's the worst thing I've ever heard anyone do. You know what, guys? I'm already getting shit on for hating fun because I didn't like Guardians of the Galaxy. Go ahead. Label me that. I don't give a shit. Because sometimes it's not about fun.

Sometimes it's about learning. Oh, Stephen Smith was the guy that did that zipper, the cock zipper bill. Oh, Stephen Smith. Good job, Stephen. Anyway, Dick, are we ready to move on to some problems? And Adam Anderson said it bothers him that Sean says hello. I'm sorry, just getting the shoutouts out there. I appreciate that people leave funny comments.

Adam Anderson? Yeah, Adam Anderson. remember that name. Sean, you said that so creepily. One more, one more big call-out. Sheldon Codling says, I had my doubts that Maddox is any good at Street Fighter, but he

confirmed it in this episode when he said he would play the guy at Street Fighter Alpha or Alpha 2 over Alpha 3. Anybody who really cares about Street Fighter would have challenged someone to Street Fighter 3, 3, 3rd Strike, or Ultra Street Fighter 4. So he's saying you're a poser, you're a video game or a street fighter poser

because you picked the wrong street fighter to challenge someone. And I don't know if that's true. Fucking, it's not. This guy's a fucking poser because I guarantee this guy's never played Street Fighter 3 double impact, has he? Dickhead. I bet he fucking hasn't. He's probably a Street Fighter EX fan or EX2, God forbid. This guy's a piece of shit.

Listen, Street Fighter Alpha or Alpha 2 kicked ass. You know why he didn't want to step up to the challenge for Alpha or Alpha 2? What was he? Wait, what was he saying? He said, he said you should have seen. you should have played the guy at Street Fighter Alpha or Alpha 2 over Alpha 3. I guess you said Alpha 3. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He completely misheard. I said Alpha 1 or 2, not 3 specifically. Okay. So that means he... So then he was wrong. Yeah, he's wrong. You know what? He is as bad at hearing as I am good at video games.

Okay. Yeah. Well, he said it sounds to me like Maddox just sucks at Street Fighter and is picking the easiest game to play. Also, Dick can go fuck himself. Sounds to me. Like, he's bad at listening comprehension. Could be. Okay, Dick, should we move on to the solutions?

Problems. All right, Dick, should we move on to the problems? Yep. All right, Dick. My first problem this week is flowers. Yeah, flowers. There we go. Now, I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking, oh, there's another horse shit Maddox problem. You know, one of those problems he has a problem with love or family or what. Fun? Fun. Fun. Fun. Yeah. I'm okay with that.

Call me a fun hater. I don't give a shit. Most flowers in the U.S. come from Colombia and Ecuador. Did you know this, Dick? No. You know what it was this last weekend? Other than Osama Bin Laden Death Day, which nobody bought flowers for.

It was Mother's Day. No, it wasn't. Yeah. Oh. You know what's coming up? You know what? Yeah, I just checked the calendar. You know what's coming up this next weekend?

Does your calendar have a name? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no. No, no. Yeah, you know what's coming up this next weekend, Dick, is Mother's Day, and people are going to be buying flowers for their moms. It is for real?

Yeah, for real. Oh, dude, you just saved my life. Yeah. I saved everyone's life. Man, like, the greatest service a company could do for me is just email me every year three days before Mother's Day. I will buy whatever they're selling if they would just do that. Well, what am I but a humble servant, Dick? Why don't you go to spreadsheet, maddox store.

Whatever is spreadsheet.com and buy a t-shirt. Then you can support me. So I was mentioning, Dick, most flowers come from Columbia and Ecuador, and most of the workers have work-related health problems, two-thirds of which, actually, because of pesticides they use in Colombia. Oh. Yeah, this is from this website. It's U.S. leap.org. It's like some kind of a... U.S. leap?

Like a jump? Yeah, like jump.org. They say these pesticides are banned in North America and Europe, so we push our demand for these flowers on countries with lax regulations. and the result, over two-thirds of flower pickers have the following symptoms. They have nausea, headaches, impaired vision, conjunctivitis, rashes, asthma, stillbirths, miscarriage, congenital malformations, and respiratory and neurological problems. This is some real shit, and it gets worse.

There was a law passed in 2002 because the only way these workers, these workers barely scrape by on the minimum wage they get picking flowers all day. Sure. So the only way they used to be able to make any money, any real money, was by working overtime. So in 2002, they passed a law that defines a workday from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. 16 hours? That's one work day? I believe that's 14 hours. So workers don't get overtime unless they work more than 14 hours a day.

So given eight hours of sleep... Oh, my God. Right? If you give them eight hours of sleep, one hour to eat, which means you have to fit three meals in 20 minutes apiece. and that leaves you one hour to yourself for every 24 hours you live. It fucking sucks. These are slaves. They're slaves.

They're essentially slaves. I mean, they're probably cheaper than slaves because you've got to feed a slave or they'll die. You don't have to feed an employee working 14 hours a day. They've outslaved slavery. Eat the flowers. Yeah. And it's even worse for women. A study found that 85% of female workers were required to take pregnancy tests to prove that they weren't pregnant

before they worked as flower pickers. And some women even had to prove that they were sterile. They had to go through these tests to prove that, because the employers didn't believe them. And an average of two workers a day are fired for becoming pregnant, and the women who do get pregnant get premature births and congenital malformations and miscarriages because of all the pesticides they're dealing with every day.

Oh, my God. I read something like they had to pick 250 flowers per hour, some ludicrous amount, and they have thorns, and they get cut, and they get blisters and calluses. They also get ruptured varicose veins, and kidney failure. They also have restricted bathroom use, so all you dumbasses can give you mom some stupid flowers on Mother's Day. That's what they're doing this for. Or some stupid carnations for some stupid high school dance. You know, you should call this problem? What? Blood flowers.

Like blood diamonds. Yeah. That's what it is. It's almost clever. Why is it that... Fuck you. Why is it that all of these symbols of love that you, that were basically giving to chicks? Right. I mean, is that fair to say, or is that sexist? Diamonds and flowers are for women. Marilyn Monroe fucking said it. Not me. Guys sometimes give other guys flowers. Sometimes women or men buy flowers for themselves. I think it's more rare, but they do buy flowers.

Let me ask you some. Are we that gone in society that I cannot say flowers and diamonds are for women? Traditionally, yeah. Why are these things specifically so fraught with the human rights abuses? Like diamonds and flowers? That sounds awful. Do vegetables work like that? Does lettuce, is lettuce picked by slave labors?

Kind of, actually. So anything grown comes from this, or is this flower specifically? Yeah, you remember in the Solutions episode I brought in dumb people? Wow. You know, these are people who are subjugated. They don't have education. But they're doing jobs that other people won't do. That's why I sincerely respect their work.

And you know what the worst part is, Dick, about all of this? is that these flower workers, these flower pickers, aren't even asking us to boycott flowers because it would mean that they would lose their jobs. Yeah. And the feel-good fair trade label that you see on food and flowers doesn't do shit to ensure that there's humane working environments for flower pickers.

Like, this is just an awful industry with an awful problem. And even boycotting it won't help because that means they go from a shitty situation to a shittier situation of unemployment. Then they got to make... What countries are they? This is Ecuador and Columbia. Yeah, then they've got to make cocaine.

If they can't pick flour, they're going to pick cocoa. Yep. I mean, that's what they export down there, right? Yeah, that's true. All of the suffering so you can smell a rose, which was grown with pesticides, by the way. You're sniffing pesticides, idiots. And then leave it on your counter for a week

until it wilts and you throw it away. That's what all the suffering is going into. So you can have your little flour that you picked up from Trader Joe's or whatever local grocery store. You bring it home, leave it on your counter, or put it in a book. I mean, they work. They make, they make,

They make women feel good. I guess. You know what? I've been fortunate enough to date women in my past who weren't interested in flowers. And I thought it was a trap. They always say that, Maddox. They say that, but they want you to get them. Because they want to be seen as low maintenance,

and also they want the benefit of getting flowers. That's what they want. They want a two-fer. They want both. That's really close. That's how high maintenance they are. I interpreted it that way as well, Dick, because I think you and I think similarly in that sense.

Correctly. But I tested this theory one time with one of my exes, and I bought her flowers, and it was such an awkward... Have you ever been to the UK and you tip a taxi cab driver? Yeah, and it's weird. It's weird. It's really weird. They don't expect it. They feel a little insulted.

It's just awkward. They kind of just sit there with the change in their hand, staring at it, expecting you to take it back. That's how it was when I gave this girl flowers. Well, what did you say, though? Because you might have said something to warrant that. What did you say? Here's some flowers. Here you go. Here's some flowers. Okay. Yeah. It wasn't somewhere weird?

No, it's just my apartment. I just bought flowers just because I'm a thoughtful guy. But it proved that she was telling the truth. She really didn't give a shit about those flowers. And by the way, she didn't even water them. And I felt bad because they were like a huge bouquet of flowers. I thought, well, maybe I should fucking water. That's rude, though. What? I'm seeing a lot of red flags in this, though. Because if I got flowers from a girl, I don't care about flowers, but I'm a human. I can see that they're pleasant.

They smell good, and they're nice to look at. No. I hate flowers. What do you mean? No. Flowers are dumb. I step on them. They're like a natural, it's their like natural beauty. Their flowers are beautiful. How can you say they're dumb? Beautiful. Why don't you look at my foot? Kiss my foot. Your foot is disgusting. It's utilitarian. Flowers are not. They're like, they're evolved to be bright so they can attract insects to

pollinate them. Are you a fucking insect? No, then shut up. Why? Why on this podcast do I always find myself, having to prove things that are fucking obvious to everyone else on earth. Flowers are pretty. Dumb. Flowers are dumb. Point-wise.

What's your favorite flower? Pansy? Two lips on my organ. Have you thought about that before? You hadn't thought about it. I wrote that joke in my high school girlfriend's yearbook. What's better than roses on my piano? Two lips on my organ.

That's funny. And she got so fucking pissed off. Like, she wrote this long, heartfelt thing in my yearbook about, like, being together and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just wrote that joke. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty funny. I didn't get tulips on my organ for a while after that.

Yeah. Anyway, anyway, the natural reaction to getting flowers, even if you don't like them, is still like a pleasant... They're like, thank you. Hey, I just thought of a joke. All right. You know what you would call a gay lion who is also a flower? A dandelion That's great

I just booed myself Anyway Yeah man flowers are dumb So and they're awful Everything about flowers are awful So next time you sniff your pesticide Layden piece of shit flower on your counter Just remember all the suffering

And enjoy happy Mother's Day everyone Happy fucking Mother's Day There you go Huh I didn't know that Buzz to Mother's Day That's my problem flowers Yeah

Are there conflict free flowers that you can buy Is anyone selling that? Is anyone online selling that? Non-blood flowers? Yeah. You know, some of these flowers have this fair trade sticker on them. That doesn't mean shit.

That doesn't mean that there are inspectors making sure these workers are treated humanely. And by the way, guys, I know that we as Americans and Westerners really like to sit on our high horse and say, oh, God, it's so awful that there's sweatshops in China and these people are exploited. However, when you talk to some of these people in these countries and cities where they're working in these sweatshops, some of them obviously absolutely hate it. actually mentioned that, I think, with Foxconn, with Apple, Apple and Android and Google, all these companies use these sweatshops and these cheap labor abroad, right? But they say that it's really condescending for Americans to come in and say that we should shut these places down, because the alternative isn't that they get a better job. The alternative is no job. No job. No schools. Nothing. Yeah. They said that they're in a bad spot, but they're way better off now than they

were before, and that's not speaking for everybody, because clearly a lot of people disagree since they're committing suicide, and they put up suicide prevention nets in these factories. Yeah, it's not, it's not clear-cut. No, it's not. It's a real complex issue, kind of like riots. Anyway, Dick, that's my problem. What do you got this week? Earthquakes. Earthquakes. It's a big problem, wouldn't you say? Or do I'm going to have to explain that earthquakes are a problem? Can be? I wouldn't say it's the biggest problem in the universe. It's up there. Earthquakes do cause damage. and the loss of lives.

So it's up there. Okay. So remember how I said FGM is the number one problem now? Yeah. It was. It was. It's no longer. Well, I think it's going to overtake slackivism, though.

Okay. Because it's a real horrific problem. And slactivism is just annoying on Facebook. Slacktivism, I think, is sincerely a probably bigger problem because slacktivism causes people to ignore problems that actually need attention by doing something that actually helps nobody. So they, so in effect. Compared to FGM.

FGM only affects, I think in that episode I mentioned one to two million women per year. It's not, I mean, compared globally, it's not. 133 million women. Oh, 133 million? Yeah. Okay, no, that's a lot bigger than I thought. It's a lot. It's like the entire middle of Africa.

Yeah. But it's not even the majority of the countries in Africa. It's just, it's like a handful of countries. So are you talking down, FGM? I think FGM is a huge problem. That's why I brought it in, but I don't think it's the biggest problem. Okay, well... I think it deserves to be in the top three easily.

You know what is the biggest problem? Not earthquakes. Not fucking earthquakes. Earthquakes. They affect 136 million people in the last 30 years, I think. That's more than FGM. And the one just hit Nepal, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, no joke. I felt an earthquake this morning. Did you feel it? No, but I was in a bad state this morning. like 7 a.m. Before, yeah, just a little before 7. Yeah, a little before 7. I felt it.

Really small, but I could tell it was an earthquake. I'm so jaded. At this point, I wake up with one, I open one eye, and I just wait for it to stop rumbling, and I just, I think to myself, God, just stop so I can go back to sleep. I don't care. I just don't care. I can't remember the last time I got out of bed for one. Yeah. Guys, as soon as you get up. We sound like earthquake hipsters. You do.

Yeah. So what were you going to say to? No shit. That one in 94? Big problem in California. Yeah. People affected 136 million. People killed 385,000.

In 30 years? How much in damages? From earthquakes. In the last 30 years. $351 trillion. Wow. Can't put a cost on lives. You know how many?

Wait, in the number killed, does that count tsunamis caused by earthquakes? No. Oh, see, because that was $230,000 in Indonesia or wherever that was. Exactly. Exactly. No. Earthquins, you don't get tsunamis. You don't get tsunamis.

Earthquakes are the cause of tsunamis, Maddox. Well, then existence is the cause of suffering, Dickhead. Let's bring that in as a problem. No, no, no, no, no. This is that life is not judge death. Calm down. Life is not a problem. No, because I have tsunamis on my short list of problems to bring in.

You don't get tsunamis. Well, you fucked up. You should have brought it in. Earthquakes cause those. I think you fucked up. You brought in the fire rather than the spark. Okay, all these deaths aren't doing it for you guys. No, you brought it.

Sorry, you brought in the spark, now the fire. Not to fire. Yeah. I don't know. The voting will tell us. How about earthquakes, um, earthquakes knock over your toys?

Oh, wow. That's a pretty big one. Well, you got to spend countless seconds picking them back up. Yeah, maybe, uh,

maybe if I had one of those iPhone watches, I could save all that time. You know how much of an estimated cost I found of a space elevator? What's that? What's that? A space elevator. Yeah. No,

I know what a space elevator. Eight billion dollars. NASA's entire budget. 18 billion dollars. Yeah. Earthquakes cost. $351 trillion. Imagine what we could do with all that money.

Yeah, but it's not like that money was just sitting around waiting for us to spend. That's just money that... Actually, you could make the case that earthquakes are a good thing, and I know I'm sounding like it does a contrarian dickhead here, but you could make the case that earthquakes are a good thing. Similar to World War II, economists largely agree that World War II

stimulated the economy and got us out of the recession, the rut that we were in, because of all the industry that we had to create for it, right? If an earthquake strikes, every time an earthquake strikes, go look at the stocks. Go look at the stock prices of companies that produce lumber, that produce housing materials, they skyrocket. That stimulates the economy. So they're a good thing. Some good comes out of earthquakes.

I don't know if it's more good than bad. Let me ask you this. Would you say that heart attacks are good because they keep cardiac surgeons employed? That's basically what you're saying. In that regard, yes, yes. You would say yes. In that aspect, yes. I don't know what you.

I don't know with you. I don't know how to get around some of these arguments you make sometimes because they're so outlandish. Well, I'm not saying. Earthquakes boost the economy. They do. So they're good? I think people in Nepal would disagree with you. You know what, Dick?

There's good earthquakes and bad earthquakes. Here's the thing. That earthquake that happened in their... It's not cholesterol, Maddox. It's an earthquake. It's all how the earthquake was raised. It's the wrath of God that you're talking about. Dick, there are good earthquakes and bad earthquakes.

Let me give you an example. Okay, so there's Nepal one that just happened. 4,000 people died, right? Yeah. That's a bad earthquake. But it may have, it may have, because now they have to rebuild all that infrastructure, and they have to build it up to code. Oh, their cardboard huts.

No, they have to build it up to code, and now they can. Code? Yeah. In Nepal? They have codes. They didn't build it like that because they thought it would be funny. They built it like that because they're dirt poor. They're fucking codes.

Yeah, but they built those buildings years ago, decades ago, before we had modern materials and technologies. Now we have the technology to build it stronger. We do. They don't. They're still Nepal. It's one of the poorest countries on Earth. Yeah. They can't rebuild nice shit because all of their old shit got knocked down. They get aid from the U.S.

And guess who's going out there to rebuild those buildings? Civil engineers from America. A bunch of fucking do-goters, these GOAs, NGOs rather, they're going over there to build these buildings. You know what they are. No. I do not know that a bunch of contractors from America are going over there to rebuild their shit for free. You know what, Dick? This sounds kind of drastic, but I would volunteer to go over there and help build.

However, I don't want to be one of those... Please don't. Why? I'm a fucking good builder. For maybe the first half. What? Are you going to finish the job, though? Oh, don't look at me about finishing jobs, buddy.

You're the king of not finishing jobs. I'm the star of lords. Tsunamis, avalanches, landslides. Earthquakes cause volcanoes to erupt. Pretty big. Floods? Yeah. They cause? Earthquakes.

They annoy you on Facebook, because since that is what's winning in the problems right now, Earthquakes also annoy you on Facebook. Yeah, then vote up Facebook. You know what? I mean to bring this in. Have we talked about that Facebook owns Oculus Rift, your favorite thing in the world? Dick, I named my solution Oculus Rift slash Virtual Reality, because I don't give a shit that it's branded Oculus Rift.

I just care about the technology. Okay. Should we call it Virtual Reality then? I did slash virtual reality. You should have went with one. That also looks weak. That's why it's not getting votes. No, I hedged my bet just in case

Oculus Shrift does turn out to be the technology, which I don't think it will. The HTC vibe sounds way more promising. Whatever it is, it's virtue of reality, is my solution. Earthquakes are slackivism for God. So if you don't like slackivism, definitely vote up earthquakes because it's God's slactivism.

He doesn't get involved. He just hears it it's kind of a problem. Earthquake, can't stop that. Dick, that is like the classic act of God. In every contract, when they say act of God, everyone's always thinking two things. Earthquakes and lightning. Lightning is number one followed by earthquakes.

Yeah, slactivism, though. That's not slacktivism. God's like reaching down and shaking shit up. No, no, no, but it's like there's no specific problem. There's nothing specifically he's trying to fix. It's not like he's sending Jesus back to fix things. It's just wreck everything. Knock the buildings down.

He's saying, hey, this economy needs some stimulation. There you go. Let me poke my finger down here. It's like the FGM. It's like the FGM of being a guy, too. Yeah. Dick, I'll give you that. Like, earthquakes are a problem.

They don't deserve to be in the top 10. I wouldn't say they're in the top 10, not even by a long shot. Really? Not over anti-vaxxers? No. Not over outrage, porn, which does nothing? They should definitely be up. It should definitely be.

higher than outrage porn. I'll give you that. Okay, so it should be in the top 10. No, outrage porn should not be in the top 10. Outrage porn should be in the top 20, but earthquakes should probably also be in the... I'd say maybe number 11 at most. Guys, voter up to number 11, and if it gets any higher, voted down, because we want to make sure this works. All right, that's my problem. Yeah, pretty good problem, Dick. Did you have any other... Did you bring any stats, by the way, from the China, the earthquake in Seshwan province a few years back? No, I didn't... What? What is that?

That was a slam dunk for your art? argument, Dickhead, that would have been... Because I think, like, 50, 60, 70,000 people were left homeless and tens of thousands died. It was a huge. It affects 139 million. Yeah, but over 30 years. How is a smaller amount to slam dunk? Hold on, Dick.

You said 139 million over the course of 30 years. And by the way, effect is kind of an ambiguous verb. How exactly... You're right. Some of them that the UN counted were just annoyed. That's what the stats... That's what the fucking stat included, Maddox. I was affected this morning, Dick.

I woke up early. They called people after an earthquake and said, um, were you affected at all? And they said, like, what do you mean affected? And they said, eh, you know, just whatever. They said, yeah, my toys were knocked over. They're not counting that in the stat. It's people who had their lives ruined.

Because otherwise the stat's useless. Yeah. It's a useful. They meant it to be useful. So it's people whose lives have been fucked up because of earthquakes. You know what, Dick? I don't think that they called people in an earthquake. Of course not. That's the joke.

Okay. Because everything's destroyed. It destroys civilizations. Dick, you know what that goes into that stat? They look at a country like China, and they see the Sichuan province got a huge earthquake, right? It knocked out the power grid. So they say, okay, well, there's 40 million people living here. They went without power for a few days.

So it affected 40 million people. Well, sure. It definitely affected 40 million people. But not all of those 40 million lost a home or lost a family member or lost a loved one. Yes, it affected a lot of people. Pure conjecture. Everything you said was just a story that you made up about how they make that stat. Absolutely it was.

Okay, Dick, how do they make it? How else would they make it? How many people are homeless in China? There you go. That's a number. Next time an earthquake happens. How many people suffered? It's a guess, Dick.

They're going around trying to find, like literally, they just have the tools that we have. You and I have. You and I, Dick. We just sit around, look at a map. See, okay, well, there's the strike zone. And here's where the power grid. went down. Don't they ever go to the site? Of course they do. Of course they do. Of course they do. You're totally making

stuff up to make it seem like not a real problem. No, no, no. It is a real problem and it's not a contest. But it's not as big as you're making it sound. Dick, not 139 million people have been affected to the point of loss of limb or loss of life or loss of home. I don't believe that. Even over the course of 30 years, 139 million seems pretty high. It's an earthquake. It's a huge natural disaster. It really depends on where the earthquake happens. When it happens on the moon, it's not a problem. I would say it's a pretty big problem on the moon.

Because it could throw our tidal shift, our tidal wave shift out of whack. Man, that's a real delicate balance. Okay. Yeah. I'm done. That's my argument for earthquakes. Good. Good problem, Dick.

But not good enough. Not as good as slack of it. What else is on the top? What else is in our top ten? Militarize, please vote that one down. Celebrity worship. Earthquakes are a much bigger problem than celebrity worship. I'll give you that.

Okay. I'll give you that. I agree. What about armchair, psychologist? No, vote that the fuck down. Why is that even on the list? Is it in the top ten? Yeah.

It's like number five, like six or five or something. It's your highest problem so far, Dick. Cool. Whatever. Anyway. Go ahead. You want to get to a real problem, Dick? Gossip.

Gossip's a big problem, man. Really? You think so? Why? Celebrity gossip or all gossip? You know, Dick, all sorts of gossip. You know those two lips on your organ? There's another kind of lips that can sink ships. Uh, gossip sinks ships. You're talking about the World War II propaganda?

Yeah, the World War II slogan. Let's call it a slogan. Stop hating America for five minutes. That's what it is. Propaganda can be good, can it? It's not necessarily bad. Yeah, but propaganda, the word propaganda has a negative connotation. Oh. So, Dick, gossip sucks. This is from psychology today.

It's an article titled, Gossip or Not Gossip is the question. Real clever. It says, gossip creates herd mentality. Did you know this? Gossip often leads to groupthink, which occurs when a group makes faulty decisions because of group pressures. We are especially vulnerable to group think when we are with those from similar backgrounds, when the group is insulated from outside opinions, and when there are no clear rules for decision making. That's called the internet.

Yeah, it's called Reddit, specifically. The worst kind of human behavior can result when we start letting herd mentality settle the question, what is true or what is false, what is right, and what is wrong. Well, that part, they were right until they had to put a twist on it, and then they just made that up. Yeah, I know. That's just bullshit. No, it's not. Oh, the worst of evil comes from when people are thinking similarly.

The best does, too. Yeah, I'll give you that, too. Sometimes it does. They just threw in that editorializing because they don't like gossip. Yeah, but mob mentality is definitely bad, right? No. The thought process behind mob mentality has been shown to be better than an individual's decision-making. A mob's decision-making, when they're properly informed, has been shown to be better and faster than an individual's thought process.

I know you just read this study. I didn't just read this study. Well, you were just telling me about it the other day. He said, hey, I read this interesting thing to you. On Apple News or something. But don't, don't frame it like I just read this and I'm excited about. See, this is what you do. You try to do this sneaky shit.

You try to do this sneaky shit and then you act like you aren't caught when you are. I'm so strong and powerful. Such a good guy. Your fucking innuendo game is very weak. Brilliant. But go ahead. I'm so smart. Tell everyone about this study I just read and I was so excited about like a child that I ran to you and said, oh, listen to this.

You did. What was the context? What was the context that you brought up? We were talking about what problems we were going to bring in or solutions we were going to bring in. I said, I'm thinking about bringing mob mentality in as a solution. And you said, no, I'm bringing in riots. And I said, yeah, that's more interesting and topical and funnier. So I won't bring in mob mentality.

And you know what's interesting is the entire Solutions episode, you sat there on your little soapbox talking about how bad riots were. Yet riots are a result of group think, aren't they? I know. They're not a result of group think. They're a result of people committing crimes. That's the sound of Dick getting caught. Why is a riot the result of group think? It is by definition a group of shitheads who are doing something violent.

It's group think. Sorry, what is a riot? A group of shitheads doing something violent, and you brought this in as a solution? Good fucking luck. I brought it in as a solution because some good, just like the heart attack example, Dick, some good can come of something bad. Just because there's something bad that happens And there are shitheads who do it

Look, someone who robs the bank And does something good on the way to rob the bank Doesn't mean he has good intentions Or doesn't mean that he was justified in robbing the bank I don't know how else I can make myself so clear And by the way, the PS4 argument I want to mention these fucking shitheads in the comments For those of you who don't know

Someone mentioned that Oh, what was it? Waterboy He sent in that Voireboi, he sent in that... Waterboy, the master of Maddox versus Maddox The Master of Bation He sent in that clip where he was like, oh, Maddox, you said you didn't like the Sony, but

you're going to buy a PS4. No, he said that you called me a douchebag for watching the NFL, even though I have some problems with the no fun, a set of problems with the NFL, I labeled the no fun league. And yet you support... Hold on.

Sony. After I called you a hypocrite douchebag for supporting the NFL because it was hyperbola, but after I called you that, you said, hey, don't throw out the baby with a bathwater, And I agreed. I thought, well, that's a fair, that's reasonable. That's why I brought in the no fun league and not the NFL.

Yeah, I agreed. That wasn't ever contended. Uh-huh. You did go on a big rant about how I'm a douchebag for supporting an organization. It was one sentence in the episode, Dick. It wasn't a big rant. It was literally one sentence. That's the part you're defending is when I labeled it as a rant, the one sentence, or is the content

of the sentence? You know, the part I'm defending here is how I can still own a Sony PlayStation because it's not so bad that I have to completely boycott the company. Then it's not a big problem. Then Sony's not a big problem. No, Sony is a big problem in different areas. Like, Sony's a huge company that has a lot of different heads to this organization. And by the way, I have friends who work at Sony.

I don't think they're part of the problem. I have good friends who work at Sony. But anyway, that was the point. The point was... I know a black guy. That's exactly what I was going to say. Some of my best friends are black. Some of my best friends.

Go ahead. All right. A couple chuckle heads over here. That's why you're a hypocrite, because you called me out on doing exactly what you're doing. Dick, you know the best example I can give because you meat heads aren't getting it through? Yeah, it sucks when everybody else doesn't get it, right?

Then you're definitely right. No, because everyone's a fucking idiot, for sure. For sure. Here's why. Like, seriously, I am so disappointed. I'm so disappointed in humanity and especially... specifically our listeners. I'm so disappointed in you guys.

I feel like a father who is let down. Listen, does anybody like the taste of medicine? No. But people dislike being sick more than they dislike the taste of medicine. So you swallow the pill, don't you dickhead? That's exactly what Sony is. It's the bitter pill that I have to swallow to get to the games I want to play, you fucking idiots.

Yeah, here's why you're wrong. This is why everyone thinks you're wrong. All right, you know what? Can't even hear it. I can't even hear it. I cut my eyeballs out and swallow them so I can see them shit out because it'll be less painful than this horse shit I have to deal with. Are you done? I don't want to read another bitchy comment from you in the comment section saying you got steamrolled when you were trying to explain this.

What? Are you done? Yeah. Because being sick, curing your illness is a necessity. No, it's not. To live it is. Nothing is a necessity, Dick. Curing a medical illness.

Being alive is a choice. Having friends is a choice Eating food is a choice Being sick Look eventually your body is going to heal itself Wrong People don't equate being sick To not playing video games

Dick just because it's not exact Look there's this fucking comic online That you do this all the time dick You look for one degree Of separation One degree that's different In an analogy and say Well it's not exactly the same

And you completely dismiss the analogy Whereas the bulk of the analogy here Is that yes it's similar in that you want to be not sick. You don't have to not be sick. You don't have to live. You don't have to eat food. You don't have to do anything.

There is nothing that's a necessity in life. End of story. You don't. If I choose... Death is. If I choose... Fine. But it's not a choice.

It's not a choice unless you commit suicide. But if I choose to like video games and I want to play video games... Yeah. If I choose this thing for myself, then it's entirely my choice whether or not I played or not. Look, the Sony is bad, right? now. You're jumping around like crazy in this defense. No, absolutely not. Well, you want to go back to the analogy thing?

There's nothing to go back to. It's very clear. Well, the reason I point out inconsistencies with your analogies is because you pick them to support what you're doing. The inconsistencies make the analogies not applicable to the situation. No, Dick. What you're

doing is cherry picking inconsistencies with the analogy, rather than looking at the bulk of the bulk of the analogy. There's this webcomic I'm going to post it online and I'm going to shit I'm going to take a big shit right in your throat dick When you guys see this comic Because it's exactly what's going on right now You'll like I'll say

I'll say you know what Driving to driving through traffic is like Doing taxes, it's agony And you're like no it's not You don't do any paperwork while you're driving Idiot That's exactly what you're doing right now You're choosing intentionally

That's what I'm doing right now You're saying well it's not a necessity to play video games Nothing is a necessity Yeah, but it's seen as more important to cure an illness. That's a more dire situation than playing video games. Irrelevant. It's not necessary to cure anything. You don't have to do anything in life.

What you're saying is completely retarded. Dick, do you like waiting in line at Dodgers Stadium to go to see the baseball game? Yeah, I love it. I totally love it. Then why do you fucking ask? Why do you ask these set-ups? That's a good example. set-ups. Because that's a good example.

It doesn't make me feel like I'm participating. You don't like waiting in line, but you do like seeing the baseball game. So that's like saying, oh, well, you're a hypocrite for going to see baseball even though you have to wait in line. No, Dick, there are certain aspects of something you can dislike without having to throw out the baby with the bathwater to use the idiom that you

used in the very same episode. You don't understand why people are saying you're a hypocrite. They're saying you're saying... No, you don't. The example you just gave proofed it. You don't understand. They're calling you a hypocrite for criticizing me for something that you do. It doesn't matter what you're doing. It doesn't matter how important playing video games are to you. They're saying you're a hypocrite because you criticize me for something you do.

Dick, I don't think you're a hypocrite. No one is saying that you think I'm a hypocrite. No one is calling me a hypocrite. They're saying you're a hypocrite. You just said that. You just said that that's why people are criticizing me because I criticized you for being a hypocrite. No, no, I didn't say that. Listen to the fucking playback. I said you're criticizing me for supporting an organization that I disagree with their policies. You're criticizing me for that. Yet you do that. That's why they're calling you a hypocrite. Right, Dick. No one's calling me a hypocrite. That's why when you said, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater, I let it go, because that makes sense. That's exactly what I'm saying with Sony. Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. It's not so bad that I think

there's still more baby than bathwater with Sony. Everyone understands that. Everyone understands throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I don't think so. They're calling you a hypocrite because you criticized me for doing that. No, I didn't, Dick. I did for that one sentence of that one episode, but that's hyperbola. One sentence is all it takes on a podcast. No, no, no. That's it. But that was hyperbola. Build a thousand bridges. They call you a bridge builder. Yeah. But what's the rest of that saying? You fuck one goat. Call you a goat fucker. Yeah. Can we drop this? Yeah. I'm happy to. I'm happy to. I understand that our listeners are... I'm happy to drop it immediately

starting in on a rant with it. No, no, I understand. It's just like, you know, it's like you walk up to Mount Moses, whatever, where you're going to get the Ten Commandments, and instead all you get are a bunch of shithead fans. Wouldn't that be Sinai? Yeah, that's Mount Sinai. It's been renamed Mount Moses. Is it? Is it really?

No, it's like JFK, you know, Cape Kennedy from Cape Canaver. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get up to Mount Moses, and there's nothing but a grinning dick up there. So now that you've had the last word, can we drop it? I don't care. Gossip gives people a false sense of superiority. Isn't it fun to gossip, though?

Come on, we gossip all the time. Like, you'll never believe, you'll never believe the kind of ass Sean's farming. Oh, my gosh. All right, what's your, what's the, you don't like gossip? Look, it gives you a false sense of superiority. People stand around and they think that they're building camaraderie, but what they're actually doing, like, if you come to gossip, it makes you feel like you're above at all, right?

But if people will come to me and they gossip to me, I immediately write a little mental note in the back of my mind to remember to never tell them anything, unless it's something I want to spread. And I have some gossipers in my life. My mom's a huge gossiper. I know some gossippers in my life who I know if I want to spread any information, especially misinformation, they're the first person I go to. What kind of misinformation do you spread?

Well, for example, if I want to do a misdirect, like let's say I'm planning a surprise party, right? And I want to completely misinform all my friends, so nobody suspects anything, and I'm surprising a bunch of people. I will tell them to plan for something unrelated and in a completely different time or not even plan. I'll tell them something like, like, hey, I got this, this, oh, I don't know. I got this.

I'm going to be out of town, this and this week, or this weekend, and they'll spread that information. Even innocuous little information like that, they'll spread. So you use gossip to your advantage. Sometimes. It's a tool. Well, it doesn't justify it. And, and more, more,

harm comes from gossip than good. You know, I don't know. I think everyone does it. Like, I've heard, I've heard, um, I've heard this position that, like, gossip is just, is just wrong and bad and we shouldn't do it. But then it's, it's always from someone that I regularly shoot the hot goss with, you know? Shoot the hot goss? Yeah. We all do it. We like talking about each other in the minutia of life. You know, you know, Dick, I draw, I draw a line, though. I don't, I don't, uh, get into personal details. I may allude to it. No, I generally don't. Personal details of what other people? Yeah.

There's a lot of detailed information. You don't know about people who we have in common. And vice versa. I haven't told other people certain intimate details I know about you. Yeah, I tell them all on the podcast. Gossip is a way of separating us from them, and it makes you sound

like a shithead. Some people bond over gossip, like two turd planets colliding into each other. But people like me trust you less when you gossip and yeah like anytime I get a juicy scoop I distrust you a little bit less I think well there's a person I can't ever trust you like getting the scoop though don't you? I do

but it goes in the vault it's a one way vault it's like my butt hole like things come out nothing goes in except occasionally doctor's finger oh it's fun man gossip's fun right you get to yeah but I think like like when I picture anyone

shitting on gossip I picture someone who like wants this image to project this image of themselves like a principal like I'm Teddy Roosevelt I'm like from an era when men had honor and integrity and I don't engage in childish games like gossip but then I'm like

you probably do like you probably participate a little bit in the gossip no well you know here's where I draw the line with gossip like say for example you have a mutual friend in common with somebody you come up and you find out that this mutual friend say

Oh, I don't know. Got arrested over the weekend for doing graffiti. Who did that? Let's just say, I'm a completely hypothetical situation. Was it Sean? It was Sean. Was it Asteroes? Yeah, both of them.

The sneaky Greek and shifty Sean graffeting. No, but you would say, hey man, did you hear what happened to Alan? Alan got busted for graffiti this weekend. That's not gossip. Where it's gossip is. And Alan has anal words or something. You're volunteering, irrelevant, detailed, intimate information about somebody that you know that they probably wouldn't want to know,

that they probably wouldn't want other people to know, and it's something that you wouldn't find out on your own unless you heard it from the source. That's when it's gossip. Okay. I get that. That's my definition. I find people very, like, precious about the details of their lives. Gossip has ruined, uh, friendship, Dick. Sure. Like, in my personal life, I know friends who don't talk to each other because of gossip anymore. Was it true? What? Was the gossip true, or was it false? It's true, but it's information that they didn't necessarily need to know.

Like, for example, Dick, I'll give you a perfect example. I was hanging out with my friend one time, a married friend of mine, and he confessed to me that he didn't quite, he wasn't really quite attracted to his wife, and he was attracted to other women more than his wife. Yeah, pretty heavy load, right? Would that be information that I need to share with his wife? fucking of course not. If I was a gossiper... I'd be a snitch. Yeah, I'd be a snitch.

If I was a gossiper, I would go up and tell his wife and ruin his life, wouldn't I? Yeah. And that kind of stuff has happened to me where people... Not that specific example, but... What happened to you? You want to give, like, some hints? No. That's very interesting, though, because I'm trying to identify with this problem.

I'll give you the most general summary of it. I confided in someone, and that someone broke my trust and went to the... the person I was confiding about and explain everything. And it has since ruined my friendship with this person. Chicks? Is this chick stuff? Of course it's chicks.

It's always fucking chicks, man. I have like two male friends who gossip, but like 30 female friends who gossip. Yeah. Actually, that's not true. I have about the same amount. It takes a certain mentality. You know what I think...

You're the same amount. Equal men and women shooting the guys with you? Yeah, I think so. The type of friends I have who gossip, I know who they are, and they have like a certain mentality. I think it's, it, it, it, it, the egg that gossip is hatched from is boredom. You know what I think it is?

What? I think they want the attention. Yeah. For revealing a salacious, scandalous story about someone. Yeah. Maybe there's a distinction, like, maybe I don't know what gossip is. Like, maybe what I call gossip is not really gossip. No.

I like telling funny stories about people and revealing things that maybe they wouldn't want to, but like I don't think, they think ultimately would probably help them. Yeah. If other people knew about this, it's usually funny and humiliating. but I don't know. Generally, if it's something that you would find out anyway, like your friend Alan went to jail,

you're probably going to find that out. If it's something intimate about themselves that they wouldn't reveal unless you specifically talk to them, then it's gossip. But yeah, I get it. Like, funny stories, you know, as long as you're not, like,

revealing that intimate detail, I don't think it's gossip. You're probably right then. Celebrity gossip is definitely a big problem. Celebrity gossip? Yeah, annoying is shit. And half of it's fake, so whatever. But yeah, gossip is a way that people like to...

You know what it is? It's judgment. That's what it is. You're saying, look at so-and-so. Isn't this funny? Isn't this funny how fucked up their lives are? I would never do that. Yeah, I would never do that.

I would never find other women attractive. Are you kidding? Sure. Yeah. That's a real dick-move. It's a real dick-head move. If I was a lesser person or a lesser mind, like most of our listeners with that Sony PS4 debate. Just lost all the else.

If I was a lesser mind and a lesser person, I would be a gossiper, and I could very easily destroy lives. But why would you want to do that? I mean, I can destroy... Laughs? I'd rather destroy arguments. Yeah. Which is what I do for a living. Did you say destroy laughs?

I just said laughs. Yeah, I said four laughs. Yeah. I didn't mean destroying laughs. No. Even if it sounded like that. Is that your problem? That's my problem.

It's good problem. Thanks. This one's it. Mine is the end-all, be-all. Okay. Problems. Biggest problem in the universe. Yeah.

Bachelor parties. Okay. You know what a bachelor party is? What? It's a man. It's a fully grown man demanding that his other man friends throw him like a quinceaniera.

That's what the modern day bachelor party is. It's no longer going out with your friends to a bar, having some laughs, telling some stories about the good old days, and then stumbling home at like 1.30 or stumbling to a strip club. And, you know, enjoying some female attention before heading home for the day's,

the night. Sure. It's now, it's now a, it's now a three-day weekend. It's now an event. It's an event where you are forced,

where you are forced to pay more to engage in than you are to pay for the fucking wedding. Yeah. If you're in a Bachelor party, you are, you might have to spend

$500, $600 spending one of the few three-day weekends that you get in a year going on some fucking fantasy island tour at the beach.

guest of your best friends, some of whom you probably have never met before. Sure. Because it's always a mixture of their hometown and their current town. Yeah. And, you know, people who have things in common with them currently, and people who have things in common with them growing up and will tell stories that have no relevance. Yep. To life.

To, like, your life as it has been for the last several years. It's like hanging out with your longtime bro, but 50% is pleasurable because you don't get 50% of the reference. Yeah. It is, on the scale of like things I want to do, meeting new men is dead last. You know what I'm saying? It's not what you said from a few episodes ago, Dick. Pick a artist 101. Gotta be hitting on everyone all the time, even men. That was it, that is a joke because I think, yeah. I know. I know. I'm buzzing your false.

Unlike me, I can't get away with a fucking joke. Otherwise, I'm a huge fucking hypocrite. And my entire moral fabric is crumbling based on one fucking sentence that it was. a throwaway, it is a joke of fucking long-ass time ago. All you fucking lesser minds in the comments, oh, I want to pick my own scabs and eat them. Yeah, um, guys, fuck off with the bachelor parties. Yeah.

Okay? It's not your special day. It's not, it's a man's version of a wedding now. Like, that's what a bachelor party is to me. Yeah. Girl, girl has a wedding? So it's wedding? I want this.

I want this. A huge diva. I want this. I want to spend 10 grand celebrating this. event. This is men doing this. To each other. Guys, guys, we have to tolerate shit from everyone

in life. We have to tolerate people fucking us over. Don't do it to your best friends. Okay? I want my weekend. Give me my weekend back. I want my $500. I don't want to make new friends. It's like black on black crime.

Yeah. Man, this is man-on-man crime. Yeah, Dick. I know why you brought this problem in and because I mentioned to you recently that I'm going on a bachelor party this weekend. Well. Yeah. That's why we had to

signara. Yeah, we had to record. Have fun. Thanks. Thanks buddy. I was telling a girl this just recently and I was telling her that I'm going to this bachelor party and I'm just and they're like, oh, what's what's wrong? Why don't you sound excited about it? Well, because it's not what TV

sells you. On TV in movies and TV shows, it's always that crazy weekend where you guys go to a strip club and you wake up with a lampshade around your head and a tiger in your bathtub. Like, what's that? The hangover? Yeah. Yeah. It's not that ever. It is what you described, which is a bunch of lonely men sitting around. Yeah. Trying to see who's going to be the last one to cave and buy beer. Right. And it's usually two groups of friends exactly like you described who don't have anything in common. They're not necessarily bad people. I've gone to bachelor parties and kind of bond. I'm usually the bridge

between the two groups because I can, I'm good with people. Yeah, you're social lubricator. I'm social lub. I can loob up that dick of conversation. Your group is dumb and your group is dumb. I'm the bridge and everybody likes a bad guy. They all need somebody to hate together. They bond over the hatred of me.

So are you excited about this bachelor party or what? Actually, this one I do know most of the people there, so it's going to be, it's probably going to be pretty funny. However, there's the Pachiafite and there's Osama Bidlond Death Day and all this other shit this last weekend. Yeah. But here's the thing, Dick. In defense of bachelor parties, sometimes, and usually, actually, I will say, it's not the Bachelor himself who's setting it up. It's usually his best friend who's just trying to do something good for the guy.

Can't you stop busting his balls? He has all this pressure from society and women and men and TV shows. Oh, you got to have this big extravagant. fucking thing. Whereas if it was your best friend, most likely for the Bachelor party, he would just say, hey man, can we just like bro out at a bar and not to make a big deal out of this? Because we hang out all the time anyway, and it would just be great to do that. Instead of going to a strip club and pretend having fun and pretend like, oh, you got to buy the Bachelor, a lap dance that he reluctantly received. And you're touching on something that also, I went to a, I planned

a Bachelor party last year. Yeah. And there was, obf, Obviously, obviously I'm going to a strip club. Sure. Obviously, that's going to be a part of it. I got, I got flak from some guys saying, like, well, you know, are you sure we have to do that? Like, I'm sure that's going to be from him? I'm like, dude, is this real life? Am I, am I getting shit from men about going to a strip club on a bachelor party?

Have I fucking been in a comb? Am I ripped Van Winkle? Did I wake up in the future where everyone's a chick? What the fuck are you talking about? Of course we're going to a strip. So don't go. Don't fucking go then. Yeah.

You know what it is, Dick, is you get the hometown heroes who are their childhood friends who stayed in their hometown, got married, and they have kids now, and their dads with responsibilities. And suddenly they're getting dragged down. I wouldn't want to go to a strip club if I was a dad. You wouldn't? No, I think I would have a different opinion of it. Yeah, I would probably get, I'd probably want to go as a dad. I don't now for some reason, because I don't, I don't know, man.

I've never just, I've never really been into strip clubs, whatever. Really? Why? Because I'm not going to pay for a lab dance. I don't get horned up that way. I don't feel like if I'm paying a woman for any kind of interest. Like if she's taking interest in me and I know that there's my wallet at the end of that line, it doesn't turn me on. I feel exactly the opposite.

I'm specifically turned on dangling the money in front of the place. That's like some weird fucking power thing that you have. I don't have that. I do go to strip clubs and I try to make the girls laugh with my buddy, my big buddy Austin. He's really funny at strip clubs. And they're laughing to get money out of you. No, no, they laugh because they're women with their people

who want to have a good time at their jobs, Dick. And believe it or not, they're bored with a bunch of sleaze balls dangling cash in front of their heads all the time. So if you make a girl laugh, she's going to be your friend and talk to you all night. That's pretty cool. Wasting her time. Wasting her time at work. Hey, I'm just sitting there fucking bored out of my mind while this bachelor party's going on. I might as well have a conversation with a decent human being.

All right. I've met some really good girls at strip clubs. Like just decent people. I met some bad girls at strip clubs too. I don't have anything against strippers. I don't have anything against strip clubs. I'll go to them. I want to have something against strippers.

You know what I'm saying? Is it your organ, Dick? May play it with your favorite flower? Yeah, Dick, so if they planned this bachelor party and they show up, they have a lot of pressure. The best man has a lot of pressure. He's expected to do this. So I think it's the bachelor's responsibility

to be like, hey man, don't. Let's not do it. Just don't. I think it's all of our responsibility. I'm done. No more. I'm done with Bachelor parties. You know what's funny, Dick?

One of the bachelor parties I went to. So you had the local crew who lives in his current town, and then you had the home crew who flew in. And home crew and the local crew couldn't be more different. You had like me wearing my samurai t-shirts and my, you know, whatever crazy shit I'm wearing, and I don't give a fuck. And then you had the hometown crew wearing a docker, you know, khaki dockers and polo shirts.

Yeah. Just straight off the plane from their jobs. They're 9 to 5s, yeah. And those guys were so horned up to go to strip clubs. It was hilarious to watch. Because like with me, they were kind of taking a poll with all the guys, and it was like kind of a 50-50 split. But some of the guys were like, yeah, man, I'm okay with it. Some of the guys like me were just on the fence.

I'm like, I could go or not. And then the home crew is like, yeah, we're definitely going, right? Yeah, can we bring a girl back? Yeah, can we, can we funk? I'm like, no, man. Yes, of course. Well, you don't want to go to. You want to go to a strip club in your mind where you can hook up with the strippers,

but then when you do, you don't. Wait a minute. I thought you were just speaking about respecting strippers. Now you're saying you don't want to bank. No, no, no, no, you don't want to go to the type of club that allows it. Those are real shady clubs. Oh, man, they all allow. Of course, they don't allow it.

Well, there's a lot of gray area you're talking about now, because it's just two people banging at the end of the day. Like, are you talking about prostitutes, or are you talking about having sex with a stripper? Because they're real women. You can have sex with them without, you can have sex with them without money being involved. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Well, if that's the case...

That's not the case I'm talking about. You're talking about a whorehouse. Basically. Okay. But it's under the radar whorehouse. So you're going there... Basically, you're hiring a prostitute, but it's illegal. Yeah, I don't have a big problem with that either.

Yeah, but the other kind of shady shit that goes on, those are the strip clubs where they have ATMs, where if you take out 20 bucks from the ATM, there's an $8 fucking fee. I've never been to a strip club where that's not the case. I have. I've gone to some strip clubs where they don't let you hook up with the girls, and it's on the up and up, and they're not trying to screw you every time.

Because if it's the type of strip club that lets you hook up with the girls, they know if they jack up the ATM fee, you're not likely to complain because you don't want to have to explain this bill to your wife or to your bank or whoever it is. You're not going to sit on the phone with a bank teller and be like, yeah, so I went to the strip club and they ripped me off with an $8 ATM fee. Well, that is a scam, but I've never been to a strip club like any strip club, and none of them have been to, I mean, not all of them have been a whorehouses. I've never been to a strip club that didn't have a $10 ATM fee at least.

Oh, yeah, no. Where is this magical place? I went to a strip club in Vegas that was really cool, actually. The girls were really nice. Everybody, like, it wasn't seedy and depressing. It was like, the girls were really nice, and it was, everyone was having a good time. There were lots of people there.

It was a really good environment. And the ATM fee was something reasonable, like $4, which is reasonable for a strip club. I'm surprised. I'm surprised by that. Anyway, I think it's partly a branding problem. We've got to stop calling them Bachelor parties because that sounds too much like the TV show.

What do you want to call it? Stag Night. Night. Night is right in the name. One night. Yeah, but if you call it night, people, like the dumb people might think that it's K-N-I-G-H-T. Dumb people are a problem?

Dumb people are a problem. Okay. In certain contexts. They may be a bigger problem than a bigger solution. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah, we'll see. You think people are going to...

And then what, make you go to a three-day renaissance? sounds fair because they think it's night. That sounds so awful. That's what a bachelor party is to me now. It's three days doing something that I'm sure is fun. I like doing it, but don't, just stop.

You know, when we had Astero's in, when he brought in the burlesque dancers, remember that was because of a bachelor party? That problem? I actually had fun of that bachelor party, but what do I know? I mean, I thought it was kind of cool. Everyone was there into some Harry Potter shit. I don't know. I guess if I didn't

have to. I didn't have to, so I had a good time. But if I had to, I feel like, I don't want to feel like I'm obligated to do anything. Yeah, like work. The whole company's going bowling. Yeah. No, work functions are the worst. The worst. Oh, man. I just want to end on this. Well, I mean, it's your problem, but no, I'm done. Okay. I just want to end on this end on this end. I remember a long time ago, my, my boss sent out this email to... You want to kill that fly first? Where is it? Where is it? What the fuck is it? I don't know. I don't see it. My boss, a long time ago, sent out this email to our entire department. This was when I was at the programmer, the telemarketing company.

He said, hey, we want to do something to reward you guys and take you guys out for some special treat, like kayaking or go to a park someday or do this, you know, something fun after work. Yeah, go bowling or something. I have the most fun at my house. So send me there. No, I was super excited, Dick. I thought, wow, that's really cool. I would love to go kayaking. And then everybody, everybody thought that we were going to go kayaking.

We were going to take a day off of work and go kayaking. Saturday. Yep. Yeah. They were like, they said, we'll do this a three-day weekend. We'll start Friday night after work. After you're exhausted and just want to fuck off at home. Yeah.

You're going to go to, you're going to spend more time with your coworkers going kayaking instead. Who's in? Nobody responded. Not a single fucking person. Of course not, dickheads. We don't want to spend. more time with our colleagues after work. They can only hurt you.

Oh, that's got a good problem. Yeah, I got it on my list. I got it on my short list. Anyway, Dick, my problems this week were flowers and gossip. Happy Mother's Day, everyone. My problems are earthquakes and bachelor parties. Big problems, Dick. I actually agree with earthquakes. Bachelor parties should be in the positive territory, maybe.

See you next Tuesday. 10 IQ points. Really? That's what you're. gonna go with. That's like the difference between knowing the 16th number in pi and a 32nd number in pie. Nobody gives the fuck. I would much rather deal with a fucking idiot with a 50 IQ than deal with someone who's got 50 IQ points and he's a fucking asshole because you just can't enjoy life. Fuck it. He's talking about when we were talking about pot and we said it would cost you 10 IQ points

like a habitual pot user. Oh, okay. And so what's the, What's his problem here? Losing the IQ points is not a problem. Sounds like he's lost too many IQ points. Why don't you learn how to articulate a point, Bozo? They're precious. Precious IQ points. Hey, guys, regarding the whole prom problem thing,

I could say that I do relate with Maddox because I'm a senior in high school in my junior year. I did try fucking with people on prom night. Oh, wait, I forgot. I'm not a fucking virgin. Okay, you know what, asshole? Real funny joke You get a baby laugh for that Real fucking funny joke

You're not a virgin Okay cool kid Enjoy your fucking Mideocre sex in high school Oh man You're dead wrong on that Yeah Talk to me when you take the training wheels off

And you have sex with actual women Who are experienced dickhead Experienced Yeah Go vote up penis injuries That's inexperienced buddy That's a high Stop fucking high schoolers

That's your problem You know take it No for real though every girl I've had every girl I've hooked up with who's been younger has been inexperienced, just amateur hour it's like watching the worst production porno I've ever seen where it's oh oh oh

it's just like fucking fake everything's fake and I'm like you don't have to ham it up man like this is everything sucks everything it's just the only thing good about it is their bodies are more supple younger girls I haven't found any kind of correlation with age and how good the sex is?

It really depends on the amount of experience that they have. Some people are naturals, but yeah, it's something that you can get better at. I totally disagree with that. That having sex makes it... Having sex with one person makes you better at sex with them. Like, having sex more with the same person makes you better at sex with that person, but it doesn't translate to other people. You know what's great about having sex with experienced people is that they get to a point

sometimes where, hey, uh, sex. Sex on paper is awesome, but sex in real life, sometimes you're not super into it and you're just not in the mood and you just want to kind of get it over with. However, you still do it because it's pleasurable, but you don't have to sit there and pretend like you're having this mind-blowing orgasm when you're not. Sometimes with more experienced people, they'll just be like, yep, well, that's all I got in me and that's that. And you're like, thank God, let's move on with our lives. That's great. That's a fucking beautiful day to me. That's good sex.

Yeah. Oh, no, I definitely don't know what you're talking about. Well, I mean, that aspect of it is, okay. You don't like it when they perform? They put on a little performance for you? I do to an extent, man, but it's like, you know, five, ten minutes, and I'm like, all right, what else you got? What are we doing here? I think I could just stay in bed all day.

40 minutes. Well, sure. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, I can have those marathon sessions. I don't know how you can with your lack of stamina, dude. I don't know. Yeah. I got one more.

Hey, this is Jordan from Bountiful Utah, and do you know how I know that Maddox is from Utah? He's a shit driver like the rest of us. I almost killed three people on my way home from the McDonald's. It was great. Cool. Yeah, I was about to be like, Bravo, man, that's pretty cool. You know what, Jordan, when I used to live in Utah, when I was spending a lot of time driving in Utah, my nickname, by my friends, I'm embarrassed of this, but my nickname was the grandma. because I drove slow, I drove cautiously.

Driving around in a large city has awakened something in me, something primal, something primordial from the ancient Japanese era. Samurai has woken in me. That's how I drive now. Well, that's good to know, Grandma. Fuck you, dick.

I need this shit. Bring in problem after problem. Week after week, I bring in excellent problems, excellent solutions. I tell you, I give you tips on driving. This is how you treat me. Tips on driving honk a lot? Yeah.

Honkers care.