The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 52

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello, gentlemen. We have made it, guys. Gentlemen, we have made it one year old this episode, this show. Shocking.

Shocking that we made it this far without somebody strangling somebody else. This is our one year episode. Pretty incredible milestone, especially since we just had our 50th episode. The milestones keep on coming on this show. We have so many milestones. It's a two-fer. It's a double. You've got to do both.

That reminds me of a special bit we're going to listen to and a bit. Yeah. Well, before we get to any bits or anything, Dick, I just want to cover some stats. Because a lot of our listeners are curious what kind of numbers the show is pulling in. Our show currently is pulling about last month, the month of April, we had 331,000 downloads. Really strong numbers. Yeah. And then in March, we had 340,000 downloads. And then our old time, our one year, our year to year download record.

And this is actually a little bit lower because we weren't always with the same hosting company. But right now, as of this recording, we're at 2.8 million downloads. Whoa. Pretty fucking incredible. What does that compare to? What is 2.8 million of what? Is there any stats that we know that's 3 million of something? Like the population of, I don't know, West Hollywood? or Vermont or something.

Oh, it's got to be more than, it's more than the population of Utah, I believe. Utah's only two million, two million people. All right. We should declare a war on Utah. All right, we got more people than them.

We'll invade it and take it over. Our listeners versus the entire state will burn, we'll burn the state to the ground. The liquor will run through the streets. Nobody will be spared. No women, no children. They're going first in my world. Anyway, Dick, yeah, those are some really strong numbers.

and I guess I guess we should just get this out of the way. What? Last week, earthquakes got voted number one. The most votes. Yeah. You know what, Dick? I am actually okay with that

because out of gossip flowers and bachelor parties, it should have definitely gotten the most votes. It is objectively a bigger problem. I agree. Than those things. I agree. Yeah. Yeah, great.

Great problem. It also introduced something interesting. I don't want to talk about it too much. Because I have a feeling you're going to get to it in this episode. There we go. I got about 6,000 emails telling me about the broken window fallacy that you brought. We're getting to that. We'll get to that.

Don't worry, we'll get to that. All right. Yeah. Dick, before we go on, I have to play this bit that somebody sent in. This guy named Bandwagon Bedlam. He sent in this song that he wanted us to play for this episode. I think you guys will really appreciate this. I got a huge kick out of it.

Listen to this. Too much swearing. Too much swearing. too much slavering fucking fucking fucking fucking monkeys shit fucking fucking fucking fucking motherfucking fuck off fucking whir shit fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking shit fucking shit fucking shit fucking shit bullshit ass bitching fuck that

fucking shit fuck fucking shit fuck fucking shitty fucking dumb ass shit fucking fucking fucking shit fucking fucking fucking fucking shuff it up your ass fucking shit fucking shit fucking shit or shit fucking asshole shit fucking bullshit fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking bitch fucking tits fucking shit fucking fucking shit fucking fucking fucking fucking whore shit fucking fucking fucking shit fucking fucking fucking fucking shit fucking fucking shit fucking fucking fucking shit fucking fucking fucking

I love myself. Dib shit. Fucking shit. No, n'n, n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n nh. I love to fuck at the end. What did you say at the end? I love to fuck at work.

Is that what you said, John? No, I didn't even hear me. I was laughing at the ball thing. Here, I'll play the tail end. I love to say fuck at work and he took out Oh. He took out say.

No, nina, nina, n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n shit. Fucking fucking fuck off. I love to fucking paul. I love to fuck at work. I love to fuck at work. That's figures. Oh, that's too much swearing by Bandwagon Bedlam. Bandwagon Bedlam, yeah, a great song.

Super fun. We got a huge kick out of that. Thank you for making that. Probably took about half an episode to get that much swearing to fill up a song. Dick, uh... What, you got something else? I got another song if you're in the mood to listen to music. I do want to hear the song, but I kind of teased this last episode.

Oh, your big announcement! Big announcement. Oh, boy. Big announcement to make. you guys I got a comment about that first of all Elena

Elena heads says please don't say that your big announcement is another live show Yeah don't worry you Elena You know what You're not invited to watch Yeah how about that

I'll block I'll do an IP block I don't care Nah she's hot You don't block her Yeah no I know All right So here's

You know What do you mean you know Have you been checking This girl out on Facebook Dick I know all things At all times Okay Okay. I don't know, yeah.

I don't need shit from Dick Masterson over here. Anyway, so I tease about my big announcement. Yeah. And I'm ready to announce it, at least just a little bit of a tease. I am writing a new book. Oh! Yeah. This is my official announcement of my new book.

This is my third book. And I'll be announcing, the title will be announced on my mailing list when it gets a little bit closer. Okay. I'm not ready to mention the title. You're the worst cockties in the world. The content is a mystery, but I'll give you this hint. It's all new material, and it's a book that I wanted to write back when I got my first book deal. So I wrote the alphabet of manliness, but this was the actual book I wanted to write,

and I knew I couldn't write this book until I got a little bit more cred under my belt, right? Yeah. So I had to write two other books. So your first book was a compromise. This is the unfiltered Maddox that you wanted the people to experience. Is that what you're saying? I wouldn't call the first book of compromise. I still put my heart and soul into that, and that was an awesome book.

Oh, goodness. It was a kick-ass book. But this is my... Man, it's already sold. You don't have to sell it anymore. That book was already a huge it. I got your dollar for this one? For this book?

Can I count on a dollar for... That's about how much an author makes per book, guys. I make a dollar per book. Anyway, I'll tell you what. I'll give you 77 cents. Hey, I'm no woman, buddy. So, yeah, I'll be going on my fourth book tour based on the cities that people sign up

from in the mailing list because that's what I did last time and it was hugely successful. I had a blast. This will be, yeah, this will be my fourth book tour because I did two for Alphabet of Manliness. But yeah, that's coming soon. You got to sign up for the mailing list and I will announce the title when it gets a little bit closer, but I've been working on this for a long time. And also, I think I'm going to start doing a little bit more with the mailing list. It's not going to be one of those annoying things where you get hit every month or every

week with some annoying bullshit-ass little offer or, oh, hey, check this out. It will be, I'm even thinking about doing something. subversive and asking people to do things that, I don't know, we'll see. I made quiz people to find my smartest listeners and smartest fans and put a special group of those people on the internet. Oh, wow. That sounds exciting. Real Illuminati shit.

So what's the release date? Can I ask you that? When can we expect this book? The release date is still unannounced. It's up in the air probably, I don't know, as early as fourth quarter this. year or sometime next year. So in time for Christmas? Possibly.

Or in time for Valentine's Day next year? Possibly. Hopefully. Can we get a thermometer of what percentage complete the book is? No, don't worry about that. I feel like there's a gigantic publishing company somewhere going, Dick, please God, on the podcast. Ask him how close he is to being done with his fucking book.

My editor might be listening. people at Simon and Schuster might be listening so I'm not going to. Yeah. No. Okay. We won't be talking about that. Anything else?

Anything else you want to tease? That's it. What do we know? No, we don't know the title? Don't know the title. We don't know the content. We don't know the content. But we know that it's going to be...

That I'm writing it. Very exciting. It's very exciting. And it's being written. Yeah. Top men are working on it right now. Yeah. Top man.

One man. All right. Anything else? No, that's it. That's all I'm going to announce right now and maybe more in the future, but we'll see. Okay, we've got a huge disaster to go over now, right?

A very, a very wonderful and excited fan sent us something really amazing for the year anniversary of the show, didn't he? Of course, I'm talking about But Sanchez. But Sanchez. So let's fill in some more listeners. He emailed me several times saying I'm sending you guys a package for your year anniversary show. Tell Maddox not to open it unless it's on the show. So I said, you got it. So I get a text from Maddox the other day saying, hey, I opened the package.

And I said, what the F? Why would you open the package? He asked us not to. He spent a bunch of money on it to send it here. Why would you open the package? Maddox, why would you open the package? First of all, for the listeners who don't know if you're just tuning in, is your first time listening to this episode to the show.

Bud Sanchez is a long time. He's a longtime fan who sent in a comment back in, what, like episode five or something like that? Yeah. Yeah. He sent in an erotic story. about hooking up with this girl based on my advice. Right, and you gave him, yeah, you gave him the advice. Ask her what a relationship with her father is.

And he kind of looks to you as a mentor, right? Yeah. Yeah, you're, this is a manor. A mentor, there you go. This is a guy who you give life advice to and is influenced by your philosophy and say, let's say intelligence. Yeah, in positive ways. Yes, in positive ways.

So I go down, I get a call from the packaging company, the PO box company, the post office, yeah. The lady says, come down and pick up your package. Immediately. Yeah. Because there's a big fucking problem with it. Yeah. Well, that's unusual that I'm getting a call from the PO box, right?

Yeah. The PO box lady. So I'll go down there and... What are you thinking? What's on your mind when you go down there? What could possibly be happening here? Well, I'm a positive guy, so I just thought it must be a big package they just want to get out of it. It must be so cool that they want me to come pick it up.

Yeah. Okay. Me, I would have gone the other way with it. I would have thought, wow. They must have like shipped a raccoon and it died. No, I thought this was, you know, this was something that's a liability if they don't get it out of there, right? It's something that's so expensive and, yeah, like you said, cool. Oh, oh, okay.

Yeah, they got to get it out of here, right? You are an optimist. Yeah, I'm an optimist. So I went down there and she goes, oh, it's you. So she said, yeah, your package is right here on the ground. and I see this box that's about the size of, I'd say like a large printer, like a large boxy printer. Okay, that's beefy. It's a beefy box, and it's all wrapped in saran wrap.

And I thought, oh, that's weird. Okay, odd. So she picks it up, and then she goes, ew, and I look down, and her hand is covered in like this red stuff. Oh, God. And I'm thinking. That's the worst thing to be, it could be blood, it could be shit. You don't know. It's like kind of brown and ruddy and red.

And she said, no, no, no, no. She says, oh my God, what is this? And she looks so disgusted and horrified. I thought, I don't know. It could be a severed hit for all I fucking know. In Amazon 7? My fucking fans, yeah, who knows? So the poor lady's, like, freaking out.

And so I reached down, I smell the box where it's leaking from. And it smells like barbecue sauce. Oh, no. And I thought, oh, I'm sorry. It's just one of my Bozo fans sent in something and probably didn't package it, right? So one of these bottles probably broke. Or he thought it was funny. Because when you sent me the first picture,

that happens immediately after this. I thought this was his idea of a joke. I thought that too. I'm just going to send a box of a mess. Like, yeah, that's pretty funny. I'm not going to say that's not funny. No, no. So it smelled like barbecue sauce, and then she got...

And then the poor lady, I lifted it up and there was this puddle of barbecue sauce on the floor in the Pio Box area that stained the carpet. And so she's sitting down there, and I felt bad. I'm trying to help her scrub the carpet with paper towels and shit. Plus, I was on my bike.

I rode my bike down to the PO box, thinking, it can't be that bad. It can't be that bad. So then I had to carry this box back home in my bike basket. Oh, God. While I was dripping sauce everywhere. When did you open it? When I got it back home.

No. Smart. Because I thought, yeah. It'll explode if I open it there. You thought, I'll bring it back home and let it explode all over my house. Right. And we're being glib about this and laughing, but I feel really bad. Yeah.

That a cool fan sent us like an awesome package. Well, you'll feel even worse when you find out what's in it, Dick. Oh, no. So I have some pictures here. We'll describe the pictures and post some of these on the website, but here's some pictures from the package. So first of all is the address from. He wrote it, the from address is Butte Sanchez and Dr. Smoothrod. Oh, yeah, I remember that guy.

Yeah, his friend, right? So he sent that into us, and this is what the package looked like when I received it. There's a picture of... Dude, it looks like something's dead in there. Yeah. And it looks like they knew it, and they wrapped it with saran wrap. Yeah. Like, that's the last thing you want is this seems premeditated.

It's the corner of a box, it's soaked, and dripping something weird and blood-like, and it's wrapped, like, half in saran wrap. It's trying to burst out. Well, the entire box was wrapped in saran-wrap. That was my job of, like, pulling it down, trying to get it unwrapped, just to open it, right? And I don't think they sent it, like, I don't think he sent it like this. Oh, you think the shipping company wrapped it. I think the shipping company wrapped it when they,

and they noticed that fucking shit was leaking from it. Yeah. Poor guys. So I opened this up outside, by the way. I didn't want barbecue sauce exploding all over my house. So then this is what I opened it up to. I'm looking at a box here that just looks like garbage. It's just paper towels.

The entire side of the box is soaked and glistening. Soaked. With barbecue sauce. Yeah. Dick, if you took a sponge and left it in a puddle of barbecue sauce, it wouldn't soak up that much barbecue sauce. Well, I see a lot of paper, and then I see half of a bag of what looks like

frosted mini-weets. Yeah. Because that's what you ate when you were a fat guy. Yeah. So he's trying to fatten you up again. Uh-huh. That's funny. Yeah.

So the entire box, it just, I mean, it literally looks like just someone took a whole pile of garbage. And this is what Maddox sent me. I'm like, what, he just sent like a box of garbage? That's not a sophisticated, Frank, but it is funny that you had to carry this around on your bike. Yeah, and I'm, so I go inside. I get some latex gloves because I don't want to touch anything in this box.

Everything's just gushing with barbecue sauce. I'm sorry, excuse me. You have a ready supply of latex gloves where you live? Yeah, and I use them a lot. That's a mark of a serial killer? All right. So I'm outside and my neighbors. Sean, do you have latex gloves in your house anywhere?

Nowhere. No where. No. Randy, our manager who's here with us today who's responsible for getting this podcast together. Do you have any... How long would it take you to find latex gloves if you had to have them? As long as it took me to go to Ralph's. To go to a grocery store. I don't even know that they sell latex gloves and Ralphs.

I have lots of latex gloves. Why? I use them for everything. Why? What? You don't need to ever cover your hands? You're cleaning with bleach or ammonia or anything like that? No.

I have a picture of my fingers, buddy, who one time I cleaned with bleach and then all my cuticles were peeling back. It looked like my fingernails were peeling off because I didn't use latex gloves. Because all the cleaning I do takes place 35 minutes before. a new girl's coming over. So I don't really get in the ground. I've seen your bathroom, man. It looks like you went peeing with the lights

out and then missed and then peed entirely on the toilet roll. All right, this conversation is going out of control. All right, so back to Bud Sanchez, back to this package. So with my latex gloves on, which you can see my thumb here, has latex cell on. The first thing I pull out is what looks like a bag of butterfingers with a note that is

drenched in barbecue sauce. That's ironic. Yeah. Nice joke, But Sanchez. So this is to Sean. And the note, as far as I can read, says, Sean, because a man cannot have too many butterfingers, and then it's signed BS for But Sanchez. Yeah.

And it's torn and has barbecue sauce on it. You know what, Bud Sanchez? I think you proved that a man definitely can have too many butterfingers. Followed by. This frosted mini-weeds box that I'm looking at Looks like it's had an axe This looks like something that JFK was carrying when he got shot It looks like brains exploded all over it

It looks absolutely awful It's the note on it as much as I could As much as I could read Yeah enhance Yeah it says Maddox come back to the dark side Something cereal is fucking awesome But Sanchez And the note is completely soaked

to the point where it's transparent from barbecue sauce and grease from the barbecue sauce. So, yeah, that's the box of mini-weeds. Very funny, good prank. And the latex gloves, I can't get over this. And it looks like, this is like what Dexter does. Like, you've taken photos of the crime scene.

Did you rope it out, too? Do you have, like, trajectory of the inside of the box? No, but I didn't want to bring all this shit in my house, and I'm not going to stick my... I have hair. Look at my knuckles, dick. I have hairy knuckles. It would take you weeks to wash anything out of those hairy cabbage patches.

It's bad enough when I eat barbecue. Do you call them hairy cabbage patch fingers? Asshole. So it's bad enough that when I eat barbecue, I get a barbecue sauce in my knuckles. I'm not going to get it in my knuckles just for opening a package. Are you fucking kidding me? No, no, no. Yeah.

So the next thing I took out of the box is a foot. A porcelain. foot. A porcelain foot. And I'm looking at the thing. That's heartbreaking. And still at this point, I'm not sure if it's a joke. Like But Sanchez is just fucking with us and you just send us a pile of garbage. That would be a balsy joke. Yeah. Or is this part of something else? So I'm just staring at this foot in my hand and thinking, what the fuck is this? Barbecue sauce on a foot. Is this a message? Is this a godfather's message? Yeah. Is this a threat? Like, what's he doing here? And then I pulled out another foot. Uh-oh. Yeah. A right and the left foot. And they're both

like broken at the shin, I'm like, well, this is definitely a message, right? Like the first plane hits the Twin Towers and you're thinking, well, that's a sloppy pilot. The second one hits it. Well, that's deliberate. Right? This is exactly like 9-11. Yeah, right. That's why I took Bush so long to relax or to get on to call to action.

That's why I finished that kid's book. Oh, yeah. I don't think. We're not getting into fucking bullshit right now. So then I pull out what is truly heartbreaking. It is a plaque that says Army of Darkness And it's numbered It's a limited edition Army of Darkness statue

That's numbered 11 out of 150 This An Army of Darkness Sean, you know Army of Darkness Yeah, I know I've seen it multiple times Oh man Just the best movie ever For guys like us

Yeah It's one of my top three or top five favorite movies of old time So this plaque This plaque it's kind of like a for the character that he sent us that, I guess, had broken... For the feet. With the feet, yeah. We've got the feet and what they're supposed to go on so far.

And on the other side of the plaque is the necronomicon. So he's kind of standing on the necronomicon of Army of Darkness. And so I was still digging through, and then I pulled out what was the first bottle of broken barbecue sauce. Oh, no. And on it, it says, it says, Dick, you'll appreciate this. Well, to be fair, I do. I think this is, I mean, this is a great prank. If you really want to nail somebody, send it to their PO box, someone who rides a bicycle, a box full of uncontained barbecue sauce.

Yeah. That's hilarious. Great prank. Great unintentional prank. And the bottle, by the way, it looks like just the top has just completely screwed off. It's not even broken. The top is screwed off. Wait a minute.

That was like that when you got it? That's how I got it. That top has been screwed off like an octopus came out of the bottle. Yeah. How did that happen? I don't know. It looks like the barbby sauce. Well, you know, I have a theory in that wherever the altitude was that he bought that sauce in, then on the flight, the air pressure changes. So if you go from low altitude to high altitude. No, he comes from Atlantic City. He comes from New Jersey. So he comes from the coastline, just like us. It must be just the altitude.

Of the plane. No, that happens. Yeah, because it's lower pressure up top. Yeah. And so then it causes to expand. It causes it burst out. Yeah, but I don't think it can unscrew like it. like that. Yeah, but if the cap just blows off, if it's a plastic cap, it'll just blow off. You know, Sean, that's why companies like Arrowhead, when they bottle the water, they put the water all the way to the top. And same thing with Kool-A, those

Kool-Aid twist pops, they fill it all the way to the top so the air pressure can't change and cause their packaging to explode. It's like when you haven't busted a nut in a while and a girl's trying to, you know, show off and swallow and she can't keep up, and it's just blows her mouth right off, you know? It's so gross. Right.

That's the grossest thing. Isn't that what it's like, though? Like a giant gogert. Yeah. Like, get ready for this Basuvius bitch and she's like, what? Oh, that's so disgusting. Like a dog throwing up. Oh, my God.

Yeah, just like a dog throwing up on semen. Too much semen. Oh, you made it gross. Oh, yeah, I'm the one who made it gross. Anyway, Dick, so yeah, you can see this empty bottles, as Dick, you'll appreciate this. Do you appreciate it, Dick? Yeah.

Great. I definitely appreciate this. Of course. Because this is like, this is perfect. It's someone who went to a lot of work, well thought out work, put a lot of effort into it in. I mean, the expense is heartbreaking. The thought is heartbreaking. And then to get it to the very last one yard line and completely fucking blow it,

that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. That's the funniest joke that there's. is. It's like getting to the one yard line and then... Shitting your pants. And then leaving the field, going to like an army surplus store, buying a hand grenade, pulling the pen and swallowing it.

That's what this is. It's just a fucking disaster. It's a mess. So my heart breaks, but I definitely... Like, I can't say I won't think about this for the rest of my life as a funny thing. Yeah. Even though it's tragic.

Well, it gets even more tragic, dick, because then I pulled out the rest of the figure that he sent us. The Army of Darkness. It's Ash. He's holding a chainsop in the air. The chain saw. is bent at a 90 degree angle from the base.

Oh, man. Oh, no. The chainsaw is bent at a 90 degree angle. The dead heights are going to like that. Yeah, and he sent us this note. This note was on the box. This was one of the only things not completely drenched in barbecue sauce. He says, Dick and Maddox. Also ironic.

Yeah. The one thing worth nothing in the box. This joke's got a lot of layers. He says, Dick and Maddox, this is the big present. This is to thank you guys for all the hard work that you both did this year in making the greatest podcast in the universe.

Here's to many more years of Dick versus Dick, Maddox yelling at his audience, stupid voicemails, Sean laughing in the background, Asterios being awesome, and happy Yom Kippur, is that he was going to say? No, and happy you get to the... Oh, and hoping you get to the real biggest problem in the universe, which is Illuminati.

Truthers, baby. But Sanchez, and this, P.S. Dick, go hug yourself. Oh. Yeah. You know what the real biggest problem in the universe is? What's that? No packing peanuts. You know, so I was looking at some of these bottles and some of them had prices and stuff on him, and one of them was like $13. So the others had to be in that range, right? Like $15? Yeah. He spent, he spent, he spent, he spent, he spent, so there was all together about five bottles of sauce in there. Three of them survived, actually. I have three of the bottles, so thank you, Butt Sanchez. He sent one of them.

One of them, the one that survived has a note on it that says, Maddox, I think you'll really like these, you'll like these bottles. I think you'll really like drink, drink, bot? Both. Oh, both these bottles. Okay. Yeah, and then the other one is Maddox, fuck yeah, but Sanchez. And then the third one that survived, it says Maddox.

This shit is awesome. in joy and it's completely drenched in barbecue sauce. But as your mentor, I'm going to just give you a little bit of advice. This goes for everybody. Always, I know it's exciting. Life is exciting sometimes.

But you've got to rain it in when you're at the one yard line and you've got to think about it and you've got to hand it off to the tight end like you're supposed to and you've got to carefully walk it across the goal line. That's it. Just always remember

when you start to get excited, walk it across the goal line. Don't forget that part. Because then this happens. And I love it. I appreciate it. You're right there, But Sanchez. You spent all this money. And then the bottle that he said, Dick, you'll appreciate this.

I pulled the label off and it says, Papi's sauce for sissies. Okay, I take everything I just said back. Fuck you. Fuck you. Buck Sanchez. You motherfucker. You deserve this. It says good for babies, brats, and bikers. You're all three, except for the biker. All right. Yeah. Anyway,

Dick, that's a package from Bud Sanchez. But thank you. But use some packing bubbles next time, which cost nothing compared to this They're giving them away. Yeah, that Army of Darkness figure must have cost at least upwards of $50 at least.

We got to fix it. We can fix it. We have the technology, right? We got latex gloves over here. What else do you have in your murder bag? Do you have some super glue to glue girls' lips shut or something that you can fix this Army of Darkness character with? Honestly, I would go on, but I don't want to incriminate myself. Dick,

I got a voicemail. Do you have any voicemails you want to play? Yeah, of course. Yeah, too. Let's see. Hey, you guys said in your phone's episode that if we have any issues, we should email Dick and not Maddox. Yeah, true. Dick is very good

about responding to the emails. Thank you, Dick. But we shouldn't email Maddox because she doesn't check because he gets enough emails. I mean, what the hell is you working on? I don't know, why don't you listen to the stuff? You wrote one book 10 years ago. And you update his website two or three times a year.

You don't even have health insurance. You don't have a real job. What are you working on, Maddox? You know, a piece of shit. Sean, delete that voicemail. Delete it from the track. All right, it's gone. Yes.

But you are working on a new book. That's why I brought that in. Dickhead, you fuck. I'm working on a new book. Does that answer your question, you asshole? Yeah. You mellow me. This piece of shit, he's busting my balls.

I wrote a book 10 years ago. First of all, my first book came out eight years ago, dumbass. And then my second book. Did you even see that? And how about my fucking website that I updated twice last month? And then the weekly podcast. Are those things that I might have, I don't know, occupying my time and energy, you fuck? And then the YouTube channel and all the fucking social networking and you're responding to your inane

comments and bring it in your horseshit comments this week? You started strong now responding to comments. You always do that. Well, I got another voicemail. Okay, yeah, let's hear it. This is a pretty big one. Hey guys, this is Barack Obama. Love the show. We're on your 52nd episode. Yes, this is the episode to celebrate.

A complete rotation around the sun is far less arbitrary than five times the number of fingers you have, so suck my dick. before anyone's complaining you can wait until a quarter of the way through the next episode if you actually want to celebrate

if you're taking consideration this is Barack Obama what's on his one I like to vote for my own biggest problem which I think is unexpected guests just as Dick's good friend George Bush and the Iraqis

also from your last episode I'd like to point out that group sync and mom mentality are completely different so you guys are fucking morons Okay. And Sean, when I get out of office, I'll be looking for you to smoke a bowl. Thank you guys.

Good luck. Wow, Barack Obama. Yeah. Big fan of the show. He had to get political, though. He can't resist. I like how his slam dunk argument about group thinking mom mentality being completely different is just that. So we're fucking idiots, apparently.

Yeah. Anyway, thanks for listening to Barack Obama. Here's for another four years. Yeah. We get a good dynasty going in the office. office with the maybe maybe jub bush maybe jub bush will continue the dynasty i got a voicemail dick from a guy named sean bricker cool sean bricker sent us in and we kind of uh teased teased this new segment on uh on the show last time but he said to say it's not dick on dick yeah hey guys this is sean from indiana

uh i just want to say i would be honored and privileged if i could contribute to the first ever dick on dick okay so i i actually helped him out here. I created a quick little intro. I created a quick little intro and clean up his audio bit, but here it is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is this a gay porn? Oh, dude.

Is that it? No, no, no. So here's the actual. He found this. This is a fan submitted segment. So here we go. Dick, you bring in some good points sometimes, but it's really hard to side with you because I just don't know when you're going to contradict yourself. For example, when you say stuff like this. There's your harp, right?

I have only found any kind of correlation with age and how good the sex is. Sex as a teenager is the best, man. It never gets better than that. If you're a teenager, do anything you fucking can to get laid. That is as good as it gets, man. No, it's not. Oh. No, it's not. You're crazy.

It never gets better than that. Yeah, what I'm saying is it's a hockey stick. It doesn't get better as you get older. It's just different. But, man, when you're a teenager, boom, that's when to get it. But what are you saying? Because you said that you haven't found any. correlation with age to sex?

Well, I just explained. When you're a teenager, it's something different. It's better than it ever will be again. But it's not like you can say, well, I didn't have sex as a teenager, but, you know, now that I'm 30, it's like my dirty 30s. For the rest of my life, I'm just getting better at sex, right? It's like, no, you're fucking old. You should, evolutionarily speaking, you should be dead.

You missed it. You missed the time to bang. Wrong, dick. Have you ever talked to a chick who banged a really old dude? And it's like, you know. That's pretty much all I day. As it turns out, the girls I date have a lot of daddy issues. Yeah, I know, buddy.

Anyway, these chicks always talk about, yeah, they kind of like confess to me. They say, hey, Maddox, I hooked up with a guy last night, but I feel pretty weird about it. And I say, why do you feel weird? And she says, because he's 20 years older than me. Or 30 years older than me. But mind-blowing sex, the best I've ever had, made me come multiple times. And no other guy has ever done that. And all these bozos in high school don't know what the fuck they're doing.

And that's the truth. Bennett Zweber. You want to talk about sex, actually? Let's just skip to this new song that I brought in. It doesn't matter what I said, because you're going to make it sound like a bags of sand reference. Love it. Do you make this?

No. What are boobs like? I don't know. What's a vagina? I don't know. Basement research. Bring me some sex. All I have are my bags of saying.

Genitals in Utah are censored. My pussy bed, because I just bang a lot. Trust me, it sounded like it came from somebody who's very experienced. Unwrap it in the right direction so that it works properly. You don't have sex underwater. It's nice on paper, but then in practice is bullshit. Vaginas dry up, man. By the way, it dries up with a condom, too.

With or without a condom? You're at the beach, right? Well, this is boring. I'm going to go have sex. Look, I've had sex in an ocean. I've had sex in swimming pools. I've had sex in hot tubs. I've had sex in sinks.

Like, it doesn't fucking work. How do you have sex in the ocean then? Well, with my hips, man. I just brought it. That's why it's so foreign to you, because it sounds like backs of sand. That's because I'm an expert. If you don't have a dick longer than three centimeters,

that's a clit. That is a clip by definition, dude. You got a click. A penis is anything smaller than three centimeters. A clip. That's it. They're basically the same thing. You pee out of one.

want to pee out of the other. I'm an expert. Whenever we go, they're all horned up ready for sex because they're so turned off by my driving skills. Sometimes penis goes into bud. What if they accidentally engineered just a really gapy, just like just big old mud flaps on that? I think that's called a vagina. Yeah. What do they

make it? They already did that. Yeah. Anytime you want to look up anyone to verify whether or not they have genitals. I invented the pussy emoticon. It looks like a vagina. Why is the penis shaped like that? see bearing. You want to download that?

Yeah, I can't you do. I'm going to finish this up later. You can see tities on the internet. You want to see tities on the internet? Do you want to hear the end of it? Is that how? I don't know. Yeah, it is no. No. No, I've only heard we, we, we. Bags of sand. Oh, I'm having so much sexy sex here. I'm begging so many chicks. What a boots like? I don't know.

What's a vagina? I don't know. Basement research Mom, bring me some soup All I have on my bags of sand All I have are my bags of sand You fucking assholes Christopher Strand

From Norway I get nothing about Disrespected on this show Yeah, so what about teenagers in sex? Yeah, I don't hear this shit You guys don't even understand The level of expertise when it comes to sex that I have What level would you say you're at?

Like if you had to compare yourself to like a famous coxman. A famous coxman? Like Will Chamberlain, for example. Was he a famous coxman? Bags of sand. That didn't take long. He's the basketball player who said he slept with over 10,000 women. By slept he means had sex with.

Oh, dick. Fucking asshole. All right. Yeah. Well, then definitely. Definitely him. I can't. I can't do this today.

Oh my gosh. Dick, we are dragging. Don't laugh, Sean. Tired of your shit. You want to do problems? Let's get to some problems here. All right. Bicyclers is my problem.

Okay. Not cyclists. Not cyclists because they want you to call them cyclists because it sounds cool. But what they are is bicyclers. They are cyclists because that's what they are, Dick. That's a fucking back. of Zan comment about bikes.

You don't know shit. Okay. Classic bicycler comment comparing bicycling to sex. You put the fun between your legs. You criticize me a lot for not explaining things for listeners outside of the U.S.

So I'm going to explain this one. If you're outside of the U.S., a bicycle, what it is is like a motorcycle. Except instead of being powered by a motor, it's powered by a sanctimonious pussy who steers, who careens around the road like a blindfolded homosexual at an ass factory.

That's what a bicycle is. You think that blindfolded homosexuals at an ass factory just careen around? Well, I mean, they're like, right? Like, that's the joke. There's asses everywhere. They're like, oh, I smell an ass. Let me get that ass.

And then they get far away from one. That's the visual. That's what I think. When I see a guy riding a bicycle with his little Lycra shorts down the street, his hump, classic case of a blindfolded homosexual and an ass factory. Which, by the way, Dick, one of our fans kept tweeting pictures of Dick on Dick to you. Non-stop's so funny. What was his name?

I forget. I'll bring it. Look it up real fast. He deserves some credit. You think that's real funny? Oh, it's my favorite. I love it so much. It's not funny at all.

Yeah, and Dick doesn't like these at all, so stop sending them, guys. It's not funny. They're not funny. They're not funny. Stop sending Dick, Dick on Dick pictures on Twitter. Because what did I say? Dick on Dick sounds like gay porn. So it's going to be a bunch of Photoshop me doing gay porn.

What's his name? R. Abramum? There it is. Paul Castro. So this was one of the pictures of Paul Castro said. Oh, click on his username. Let everybody see all these beautiful works of art. Hey, you guys are the ones looking at gay porn, not me.

What about that? What do you think about that, Sean? His Twitter handle is Drug-Free Thug. His at Drug-Free Thug. Nerd. Yeah. No, I think he did a pretty good job, Dick. I think that this is a masterful Photoshop job, don't you think?

Go to the other one. No, that one has my face as the head of two penises that are touching each other. Yeah, I think it's pretty good. Look at this one. It's you fucking so new in the ass. He found these facial expressions of me that does look like I'm having sex with myself. That's every facial expression of you, Dick. Go fuck yourself.

Find another one. I already seen that dick one. All right, right. I'm pulling up all the dick ones. Oh, yeah, here we go. Great. All right. I love that his account isn't shut down yet.

Oh, this is, I haven't even seen this one. It's a threesome of me. That's three dudes. And the goddamn faces are so, you son of a bitch, Paul Castro. Look at that one. Fucking yourself. All right. The monkey's not as funny.

Classic bicycler humor. Cyclist. Okay. Bicyclers. Red doesn't mean go. When you guys get to the crosswalk, fucking stop. They're stopional for us. Exactly. This is why everyone hates you.

Because you pretend like you're doing us a favor with your stupid hobby. But you don't obey any of the rules and you make it more dangerous on the road. That's why we hate you. You don't obey the rules, nerd. Listen, I... The driving rules are there for safety. Really? They're there for safety. Here's the thing.

You don't have to get a license to ride a bike. Anyone can ride a bike anytime, anywhere on the street. You don't have to learn. No, it's not a problem. Exactly. Here's the problem. Bicyclists are taxpayers, and we don't get to use the freeway. We don't get to use all the roads that we want.

There's not parking. There's not ample parking for us. And by the way, I talk to a police officer. Well, there is. There's dumpsters all over the place. Just throw them in wherever you get. Piece of shit. Here's my fucking cross that I rode here all the way like a martyr.

I'm going to nail myself to my bicycle and then throw it away. You know, Dick, we are doing everyone a favor because according to SMH.com, this is a website, a news website. They said, the economy benefits by more than $21 every time a person cycles 20 minutes to work and back, and 8.50 each time a person walks 20 minutes to and from work, according to policy statements released by Deputy Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on Tuesday. There you go, Dickhead. Thanks for the armchair lesson in economics. Oh, you mother, you fucking foreshadowing piece of shit.

Hey, do you ever ride your bicycle on the sidewalk? Rarely. Rarely. Okay, you know how many times I've driven my car on the sidewalk? Zero. Oh, really? I tried. That's how I wrecked it.

Brain slick dick over here? I didn't get on the sidewalk. That's because you hit the curb, you fucking asshole. That's the only reason you didn't ride on the sidewalk. And by the way, have you ever been hit by a cyclist? You want to hear something interesting? Yeah, let's hear it. Long Beach.

Long Beach did some research on bicyclings. Long Beach is a city in California. Sure. Yeah. 45% of bike-related accidents are caused by the bike. Bicyclers. Oh. 35% are driver-related.

20% are undetermined, but probably the bicyclers' fault. Let's be serious here. Because you guys drive erratically and like assholes. Leading cause of bicycle accidents? Bicyclers riding on the wrong side of the road. Yeah. No, I believe it. Hey, man.

Because you think it's yours. Because a bicycle is a bumper sticker that you can ride. Yeah, because cyclists are the ones who are entitled to everything. They're the ones who are honking at cars, telling them to get out of the way. We're the assholes? You fucking pricks are sitting there like riding our asses Because you're too much of a pussy You're too much of a dipshit

To turn your steering wheel two degrees to the left And maneuver around a cyclist Who has the body footprint of a human being If you can't maneuver around that in traffic safely Fuck off, stay home Turn your driver's license You stay home Take your stupid hobby out to the country

It's not a hobby. Take it to Portland All of you hipster fucks with your bicycles You have your own city Go make your own fucking city called Bicyclorotopia and just ride around all day blowing each other. Get those tandem bikes so one of you can turn the other way and suck the other guy off for what a great person he is. You know what, asshole? That city already exists and it's called Amsterdam and it's fucking brilliant. I've been to Amsterdam.

Yeah. And everyone cycles everywhere and traffic is never jammed. It's a fucking awesome. Everyone gets everywhere they need to go. No problem. You know what, Dick? I can get anywhere in the city faster in traffic on my bicycle than you can in a car. While you're sitting there like a fat ass. Yeah, breathing in your air-conditioned air. You're pampered. Oh, your bourgeois car with your air conditioning. You're so fucking cool.

Speaking of the air I'm breathing in, a study in Brussels says that bicyclers breathe in five times more air pollution than drivers or pedestrians. So enjoy your cancer, Maddox. Oh, okay, but you're still breathing the same air, asshole. You're just breathing it all day long, every day. No, you're breathing it right out of a car's butt hole. Because that's what a bicycler is. You've got your lips while you're out there on the...

road sealed to the butthole of a car. Dick, first of all... You're just sucking the poison in. Fuck you. I got some poison you can suck out of something. Here's the thing, Dick. I'm a cyclist. I'm a considerate...

I'm a considerate cyclist. Okay? When I ride my bike, I take side roads. I ride the roads less traveled. And I, yeah, I sometimes coast through four-way stop signs because bikes aren't cars. It doesn't make sense for them to come to a complete stop. They don't need to. You can slow down.

There we go. Entitled asshole bicycler. I'm entitled, Dickhead. It's that it just doesn't make sense to come to a complete stop if you're coming to a four-way intersection. You slow it down to five miles per hour. You look left. You look right. Cars do it all the time.

They said, I'm a dick if I do it on a bicycle. And by the way, if I run that stop sign and I get hit, I'm the only person who's getting hurt. Good. Yeah, fuck you. So here's the thing. There's this dickhead cop in a city. I think this was in Connecticut. There was a big group of cyclists, 26 of them, who were driving in a big pack together.

And they all ran one big stop sign together because the person of this. the front stopped and looked both ways. He said it's clear, and then the entire group moved through, right? Some Dickhead cop wrote every single cyclist a ticket. And all these, like, hard-ass drivers, these entitled Dickhead drivers, they think they owned the roads, came over. Who, by the way, their fuel prices are lower because of us. But anyway, they came over and they said,

good, I'm glad all the cyclists got tickets. Yeah. Because what's the alternative, Dickhead, that we all get in single-file line, and then you wait for 26 cyclists to come to a complete stop and then start up their slow-ass cycles to do. To ride through the intersection? Is that what you want?

That's right. Because it's the fucking law. Are you guys a car or not? Do you belong on the road or not? You don't just get to barrel through and take over the intersection because you're enjoying the breezy day with your stupid bicycles. Dick, it helps traffic. It helps move along traffic.

And it's safer for cyclists and motorists. You know what else helps traffic keeping your fucking bicycle off the road? You don't want to be inconvenience stopping at a stop sign. Stop inconveniencing the rest of us by making a swerve around you or a way to work. Boohoo! Why don't you nail yourself to your cross, you big fucking cry, baby? You know what traffic is, Dick? Cars. Cars, cars. Cars are traffic, not bikes. There's never been a bike on a freeway, and they're jammed every fucking day. How do you explain that? How do I explain that freeways are jammed? Yeah. You want an explanation for that?

All fucking cars. Cars, cars, cars, cars. More fucking cars. That's what we need, huh? And by the way, Dick, every time you see a cyclist, you should get out of your car that's parked and stuck in traffic. And pull him over and lick his asshole and say, thank you for saving me gas money and creating an extra parking space wherever the fuck I'm driving. It's interesting. Bicyclers are eco-friendly, you would say, right? Well, sometimes. Sometimes? When is that times? Because that seems to be a big

component of their argument is that, well, we're saving you all this fucking gas. You should thank us. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit about the environment. You know me. I don't. I don't bicycle because... I think you do. No, I don't. I don't care. I don't bicycle because I care about the environment. I bicycle because it's fast, convenient, and it's good exercise.

But it does save you money on gas because we're using less fuel. Where do those calories come from that you're burning while you're on the bicycle? Food, which is way cheaper than drilling oil out of the Middle East. How do they harvest that food, Jacko? With gigantic tractors that suck down gasoline. Yeah, so. So if you, or I got some stats for you on this one,

if you get four guys on a bike that's exactly equal to the amount of gas, it takes those same four guys to drive in a car. That's four people versus one usually One driver So fucking carpool And that's on a normal diet You can't even fit four people in your car asshole It's because it's cool

I can fit four people if two of them are hot chicks So you're basically you made an argument And they lay on top of each other You know what I'm talking about? Yeah and maybe in the glove compartment you psycho Okay Mr. Latex gloves Where were you going to throw them in the trunk? No, it doesn't matter where I put the chicks

Listen, the bottom line is, you just made a case for me. You said that four cyclists are equivalent to one carpool, which nobody does. They don't save that much gas. That's what I'm saying. Fuck off with your eco-friendly shit. Look, I don't care about the environment, but they save three times the amount of gas. You just said so yourself. No, no, it's, they use a quarter.

A bicycle uses, a guy riding a bike uses a quarter of the gasoline as a driver because of the amount of food calories he burns while he's riding that bicycle. So it's 75% more efficient. Plus, it depends on where you get your food calories from, right? Yeah, if you get it from meat, mostly, which I'm assuming you do, because even though you ride a bike, you're a man. Right. Yeah. If you get it from meat, it's even more.

Protein is cheap. You can get protein sources in it. You can buy a container of a dozen eggs for like $2. Yeah. That's cheaper. That'll feed you all fucking week. How about your dumb outfits? I don't wear dumb outfits when I cycle.

Really? Yeah. People do that. I don't own bicycling shorts. Look, man. I'm not going to defend that. That's stupid. You know what's inconvenient about bikes? Every time you're at a stoplight, they go right to the front of the line.

Yeah. And then they futs around like a little child learning to work, trying to propel their stupid machine across the intersection while everyone fucking waits. Motorcycle, boom. Takes off like a rocket. Takes off like a penis with a rocket in it at a stoplight. Bicycler, thur-thur-thur-thur-dur-dur-dur-st steering around like they're having sex for the first time, jabbing their dick in.

Which way. Like a teenager having sex. Go to the end of the line. You guys do not deserve to be at the front. You're such a cry, baby. If bicycle... You're complaining that bicyclists have advantages over driving, so fucking get a bike. That's not an advantage.

It is an advantage. That's just jamming yourself in the front. No. Because here's the thing, Dick, if cars are so much faster, why are you even stuck there? Why can't you just maneuver around us? Because it's a pain in the ass. It's a pain in the ass to turn your steering wheel two degrees. Fucking pro driver over here.

Yeah, it is. I want to be texting and tindering. I don't want to watch out for you guys on the road. Yeah. I have a question for Maddox. Yeah. What happens when you're in a car and you get behind a cyclist? Are you laying on your horn and getting angry and yelling and all that kind of stuff?

No. Because that's what you do in a car. Here's the thing, Sean, when I get to where I'm going, my destination, I pull up and if I see a parking spot open, I think to myself, well, that cyclist might have been going the same place that I was going, and he probably saved me a parking spot. And if it wasn't him, it was probably the other 10 or 15 bikes that I see parked out front of the building, because every single one of those bikes represents a parking space that I can't park in, that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to park in.

So I thank that cyclist. And also, it's not that much of an inconvenience. There has never been a traffic jam because of a bicyclist. There's never been, it just doesn't fucking exist. Everyone gets a little bit inconvenience. But have you ever been more than like, I don't know, 30 seconds, maybe a minute late to something because you had to slow down a little bit for a bicyclist? Who, by the way, if he was driving a car, that's one more car that you would be sitting behind

in traffic at the front of an intersection. If the red light is all backed up and the intersection's all backed up, have you ever been in that situation where you're one car away and you just barely make it through that intersection? Well, you may have been in that situation because of a cyclist.

Have you ever been in a situation where your dick doesn't work because you rode a bicycle for too long and it ruined your prostate? No. Because that's real. Yeah, I know. You do know about that, though, right?

Of course, yeah. If you sit on shitty seeds and you cycle too long. Men who cycle more than nine hours a week are six times more likely to develop prostate cancer. Study fines. So, I guess you won't be needing that erection anyway. Dick, I ride my... I solve that problem by riding my bike hard.

No... Yeah. Lance Armstrong, he was a bicycler. Yeah, he's... Sheeded, embarrassed America. Embarrassed the U.S. Postal Service, too. Yeah, he's an asshole. Hitler was a bike messenger, bicycle messenger,

during World War I. Okay, here comes the Hitler argument. All of you guys are a road rage. All of you bicyclers are full of rage. You're all wann-bees, want-to-be visionaries, CEOs, like, fucking yuppie CEOs on your bicycles, touring around town while the rest of us are trying to get our shit done. Fuck you.

Here's the thing. I think that bicyclists sometimes are idiots, because I have seen some militant cyclists who are cycling activists, which I am not. I don't give a shit. Like, if you want to drive your car, you're entitled to, but I think that bicycling is the best form of transportation. But sometimes these militant cycling dipshits pull up next to a car,

and when the car yells at them, they yell back, get a bike. Well, Dickhead, sometimes not everyone can ride a bike. Sometimes people have disabilities. Or balls. But sometimes, yeah, they don't have balls because they're sitting in their big SUVs with air conditioning, getting pampered. by the climate control. And not breathing in cancer.

You're all, everyone's breathing it in, Dickhead. And you know what? You know what? That might be offset the cancerous particles that we're breathing in might be offset by the fact

that we have healthier bodies. Yeah, you're the benchmark of health. Yeah. I don't need shit from Dick Masterson Paragon of Health over here with Mr. Whiskey Dick. It's the vinyl of transport.

That's what a bicycle is. It's the vinyl of transport. Vinyl of transport. Yeah, I think you could understand more about vinyl lovers with your love for bicycles because it is a shittier way to drive around

to get anywhere and it pisses everyone off but you just love it says Dick Masterson the person who thinks that everybody needs to lose 20 pounds you're arguing against exercise like bicycling exercise yeah great you know what Dick we still have to have a race

I will race you in heavy traffic on my bike in your car we'll see who gets to to where we're going first you throw in heavy traffic like that's the point that's the point if you live in a large city like oh i don't know l a new york or austin or wherever then why does everyone hate you guys it's not everybody that it's just everybody hates bicyclers it's a bunch of limp dick like uh finicky emotional blowhards like yourself who are sitting there stuck in traffic and you look around you think oh i'm gonna blame bicyclists because you're a conspiracy dipshit uh rather than blaming other drivers you are traffic digmasters

and not me we're a cyclist by the way if traffic gets heavy you guess what? Sometimes I see car drivers like getting frustrated and trying to get through traffic when I go to the front of an intersection and I go forward I always pull off to the side as far right as I can to let cars pass me by I'm not a dick. Huh. Yeah, great. All right. That's my problem. Bicyclers. Yeah, and I have a...

Everyone else apologizes for inconveniencing people. You notice that? Everybody, I get drunk, throw a beer at a baseball game. I'm like, sorry I did that. I deserve to be kicked out. Bicyclers don't. You think that we owe you some kind of gratitude for your stupid hobby. The inconveniences everyone. I guess, Dick, I guess other than the benefits of riding and walking to work, which include better health,

less congestion, reduced infrastructure costs, reduced greenhouse gas emissions, better air quality, noise reduction, and savings and parking costs. I guess other than all that, there is no advantage to riding a bike. You're welcome. It's annoying. And that, according to the number one problem, slackivism, that's all it takes.

I guess. Except slacktivism does actually have real world. real world repercussions. Not in a study. Just in your opinion. Do you have a stats? I got a stats for you. All right.

Hold on, Dick. You know, cyclists are manly men who have to shave often. Oh, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use promo code biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase.

Yeah, cyclers are manly men who need to shave often because their thighs chafe too much while they're riding their little girl bikes. My thighs are smooth, buddy. Have you been using your Harry's? Yeah, I still use my Harry's blades. I need, I want them to send me some shaving cream

because I had to go buy some at the store. Not only was it a pain in the ass, which Harry's is not, but I also didn't like it as much as my Harry's shaving gel. Yeah, the shaving gel was really good. I still have some of that other stuff too, the shaving butter. I prefer the shaving cream over the shaving butter. Are you going to not use the butter? Because that's what I use.

Yeah, you can have my butter. Yes, give me that butter, Maddox. I'll put it all over your face. Harry's high quality German engineered blades. are crafted for sharpness and precision. I'm sure you're wondering how does harrys.com deliver a superior shave? Were you wondering that?

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You like the gel, I like the cream. The gel's great. You can have the cream. Cool. As an added bonus, you get five bucks off if you put in our code. Biggest problem. Biggest problem is the code, guys. And no joke, I have never had a set of razors last longer than those blades. That's absolutely true. Yeah.

Yeah. They're really, you're going to get your money's worth out of that. And it supports the show, guys. Thank you for supporting us for 52 episodes. Big milestone of 52, which just rolls off the tongue. Okay. Let's get to the real biggest problem. All right. In the universe, this week at least.

Armchair Economists. Oh, great. Yeah, there's a fucking problem. That's a problem. Is this related? to the deluge of comments you got about your idiotic statements in the last episode? It sure is, Dick. And I am ready to rip the asshole of these armchair economists wide open with my foot, buddy. Okay.

So you're about to make several arguments about economics as a what? Regular guy. Yeah, as a regular guy. What does that mean? You are? I'm not an armchair economist. Go ahead. Yeah.

Because I'm not making economic theory. I'm not making economic theory. I'm criticizing a fallacy. a fallacy, which itself is a fallacy, and I'll tell you why. Okay. Economists, first of all, are like the weatherman of finances. Right? Can we agree on that? Their predictions are usually bullshit because most predictions are just that.

Bullshit. Every single stock market prospectus includes the phrase, past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results, because there are nothing more than glorified mediums who use clunky regression models to do just that. Predict the future based on past results. That's all they're doing. Oh, fucking day long.

The entire field of economics is one big gambler fallacy, and only occasionally does anyone get it right. It's like wine tasting, but with mathematical models that sometimes occasionally get it right. That's it. That's economics. First of all, a long time ago, Dick, I started to write an article. This was way back in 1999 or something. In the early days of my website,

I started writing this article that was titled, Economists are full of shit. And I started doing all this research and got bored because reading economics books are so fucking boring. They're dry. And as a math major, you hate that. Yeah. Right?

I'm a math major. I love numbers. I love equations and I love number theory. But economics is very boring and very dry. And it's mostly bullshit. I'll tell you why. Because an economist's job is not predicting the fucking future like you're phrasing there. They are.

No, but that's not their job. Their job is to understand the decisions people make based on the economy. It's about understanding people. It's about trying to figure out what choices they make with their money, because that's when the votes really count, because they're, you know, the quantum of your life. It's about taking that data and trying to understand what makes people tick. Dick, you know, I love you, but you're wrong.

Oh, right. That is a psychologist's job to understand why people do things. And an economist's job is to model economic activity. That's all. They're just looking with regression models. That's what they do. I took classes in economics. How many?

One. Awesome. Thank you. Perfect answer. Please continue. It was a high-level economics class. I bet. You jumped right. Why would you start at the beginning? You clearly understand what an economist's job is to predict the fucking future, like Madam Cleo. That's what they're doing is they're trying to explain. Yeah, they explain what the stock market and the economy is doing with regression models. That's all they do. It's just regression models. So you're lumping all economists into the armchair tag? No, I'm not. I'm not.

So who knows what they're doing? Look, if push comes to shove, I'm going to listen to an economist over an armchair economist, and I'll tell you who the armchair economists are. But you already don't respect economists, right? You're already saying they're already saying they're sooth stairs. See, people don't say an armchair quarterback is an idiot and also the quarterback is an idiot. I do. Again, you don't understand the fucking metaphor.

Dick, somebody has to be correct if someone is an armchair blank. Dick, there are degrees of correctness. If I'm going to listen to something about football, I'm going to go to, I'm going to listen to a quarterback before an armchair quarterback, because more likely than not, the quarterback knows what he's talking about more than an armchair quarterback. So economists do? Economists more than armchair economists do. Okay, go ahead.

Yes. And by the way, they're not entirely garbage. There's some good economists. What do you mean some? Who's a good economist that you have in the time? I liked what Alan Greenspan did. I liked what he did with our economy. I liked some of his...

What specifically did you like about Alan Greenspan? Well, he was very conservative when it came to raising interest rates or lowering interest rates. He was very cautious. And the stock market liked that, and they responded well to it. In what ways? What did he use to raise or lower them? I just want one specific answer out of this, because it sounds like you know the name Alan Greenspan, but you don't know specifically what you like about him.

What are you trying to get out of me? An answer. What do you like that he did? I told you. He was very cautious. Look, when 9-11 happened and the stock market went to shit, Alan Greenspan came through, and he didn't panic and suddenly just, you know, throw everything out, the baby out with the bathwater.

What did you do? He very, he lowered the interest rate very conservatively, like half a percentage point at a time, the interest rates. Uh-huh. Right? The lending interest rates, the banking interest rates. Look, man, it doesn't matter. The bottom line is you asked me the question, and I answered it.

Like, I like Alan Greenspan because he didn't give a satisfactory answer to me. Because nothing, you keep moving the goalpost, stick. I tell you specifically what I like about Alan Greenspan in that he was conservative and wasn't panicking. and didn't introduce more volatility into the stock market at a time of a disaster. Okay. That's what I liked about him. All right.

He's a smart guy. He was a very conservative guy. He was a shrewd economist. Okay. There you go. So there's one that I liked. Anyway, Dick, a lot of people last time called me out for something called the broken window fallacy.

Yeah. Most blatant example of it you could possibly give. Go ahead. What was it? The broken window fallacy, for those who don't know, is this is from, this is the the first link that someone linked to me. It's from about.com. And I think it was a girl who said 19th century political economist Frederick Bastiat offered an answer to such question. It is 1850 S.A. That which is seen and that which is unseen. Right. This theory, this fallacy, the broken window

fallacy, comes from the year 1850. So do you want to go over what you said that made people say that? So we were talking about the earthquake. Right. And you said it was good that the building, there can be some good from the buildings getting knocked over because building new buildings stimulates the economy. Correct. And everybody said, that is the definition of the broken window fallacy, which means you're totally wrong.

It does not stimulate the economy. I didn't say broken windows. I said specifically those buildings being replaced would stimulate the economy. No, no, they didn't mean literally it's about the windows. They meant the buildings themselves. It's the logic behind the logic. It's the logic behind rebuilding the buildings

does not stimulate the economy. Right. Here, I'll read the fallacy. It says by breaking the window, the man's son has reduced. Okay, so the example they gave this guy in 1850 said that a son who's the son of a storekeep breaks his window. And then people around him say, oh, well, at least it's good for the economy because now you have to buy a new window and that stimulates the economy. Right, which is false. In my opinion. Okay. And in your opinion, in a lot of armchair economists, they say because the man's son has reduced his father's disposable income, meaning that his father will not be able to purchase new shoes or some other luxury good.

Thus, the broken window might help the glazer, but is that how you pronounce it? Glaser or glazier? Whatever. It might help the window maker, but at the same time, it robs other industries and reduces the amount being spent on other goods. Moreover, replacing something that has already been purchased is a maintenance cost, rather than a purchase of truly new goods, and maintenance doesn't stimulate production. That's the fallacy in a nutshell, right?

Well, I mean, it's a simplification. No, that's the whole, that's the entire fallacy. That's copied and pasted that. That's what the original guy wrote. That's what the original guy wrote. Or that's from Wiki, whatever. It's from about.com, but that is the fallacy. That's the entire fallacy right there.

I mean, I think there's a lot more to it than that, but you can attack just that if you want. That's the window maker, that's the broken window fallacy, right? They're saying, they accused me of that. But here are the assumptions that it neglects, and I have eight of them. First of all, that the father has disposable income, right? That's an assumption. You're just assuming that in this made-up scenario where a shopkeep gets a broken window, he has disposable income. He replaced the window.

What does he replace it with? Money. But you can also go into debt. That's an assumption. That's the same thing. No, it's not. Debt is not disposable income. But you're talking about the economy, all right?

If you're posing a situation where the guy breaks a window and then fixes it, you have to assume that he spent X dollars fixing the window. Whether it's cash, whether it's on credit. Different. It's a huge difference because one... It's not a huge difference. It is a huge difference. Because if you had to borrow money to replace that window, then a bank is making interest off that debt, aren't they?

I mean, not really. Of course they are. Now you're assuming he borrowed it from a bank. No, I'm not. I'm not assuming. They're making the assumption here, Dick. I'm just saying that this fallacy takes into... It neglects the possibility that the father doesn't have disposable income.

The point is not that it's disposing. though, the points that he has to spend it. Dick, you don't have to argue every single point. Like, let me get through this. Let me get through these... Oh, let me get through these points I'm arguing. Go ahead. Well, no, that's an assumption. You can't deny that's an assumption. Go ahead. It doesn't matter. Go through the list. I won't interrupt with

points about these assumptions you're making. But you can't deny that that's an assumption they made. That he has income to spend on the... Disposable income. That's an assumption. The word disposable is not the focus of that point they're making. Dick, is it or is it not an assumption? that an imaginary guy has a disposable income, sure?

Okay, that's the entire point that I was trying to make. You cannot dispute that. You cannot fucking dispute that. It's just an assumption that they made in this fallacy. Okay, that's not even the point I'm trying to make. Let me get on. Let me move on. Here's another assumption that the father intended to spend that disposable income on other things.

The father might opt to save that income instead of spending it, right? In which case there would be no economic stimulus. That's another assumption they made. I mean, this is the poorest defense of a fallacy I've ever heard. This has nothing to do with the point of the fallacy. You're saying it's poor, but you're not saying why. Why is it poor? Yeah, because when I started to, you said don't pick on every point.

Dick, you cannot deny that that's an assumption they made. How are you going to deny that? Which one? The second one now? Both of them. Those are both assumptions they made. They made the assumption that that disposable income would have necessarily been spent on something else. They're assuming that that father wasn't going to save and sit on that.

They're assuming that that wasn't a bundle of cash under his pillow that he never intended to spend. Well, that's a very bizarre case. A guy running a small business, like hoarding a very specific amount of money? Because they're talking about in the long term, like in over many years, the amount that he spent on the broken window would be spent possibly on something else. Like, cash doesn't like go and sit in a vault. A guy running a business uses the cash to do things with. the business or he takes it his income. That's an assumption. But there's a New York Times did a story about a millionaire who was this widow who was born in like the 1920s who was a multi, multi-millionaire,

but every day she ate cold oatmeal and lived in a cold apartment, a cold mansion with a heater turned off because she was so shrewd. She didn't spend any of her money. That's a very bizarre anecdote to apply to like a macroeconomic principle. That's irrelevant. The velocity of money is something that's very real. The money coming into the store and going out of the store is like part of business. Dick, I'm not talking about money

coming into or out of the store. We're talking about a disposable set of income that someone might have that they're not spending. They're making the assumptions that he was going to spend that money. That's an assumption. You can't deny that.

You can't deny that's an assumption of the fallacy. No, you're right. He might have turned it into gold and put it in a bin like Scrooge McDuck. He might have. You're totally right.

People save. That's a bizarre comment to make about this fallacy. Whether it's bizarre doesn't matter, Dick. Whether it's, look, all you need to do is find an exception to the rule, and then your fallacy has a hole in it, doesn't it? And then here's another assumption they make. That the product being destroyed is a window that doesn't depreciate much in value.

So used in modern scenarios, something much more likely to get destroyed is something like your cell phone where you drop it in a toilet and it gets destroyed, right? That cell phone definitely depreciates in value, so replacing it isn't a maintenance cost because you're adding value to something that is depreciated. I don't even understand the point you're trying to make with that one. Dick, windows don't appreciate or depreciate in value, unless sometimes if they're stained glass, they might, because, like, for collecting value.

No one is thinking stained glass. This is a guy with a shoe store that has a broken window. It's very simple. This example comes from 1850 when the things that were breaking that needed to be replaced were things like door hinges and windows. Those still break. Okay, but that's not the point. They're making, they're choosing, they're cherry-picking,

something that helps their case when it's no longer applicable to reality. Would you like this apply to you? I'll let you get through the whole list and then I'll tell you how this fallacy applies to you. Sure. Okay. Go ahead, though, because I don't want to, I mean, I don't want to piss you off by offering objections to your objections, the fallacy. Dick, I haven't even made an argument until point number three. I'm just listing assumptions that the fallacy made and you're disagreeing with assumptions.

Yeah, because they're very specific. You're instead of, go ahead. These assumptions you cannot dispute. their assumptions of the fallacy. I'm just stating them. I'm not inventing these. These aren't my arguments. The assumptions are that it's a normal business.

Dick, that you're generalizing just to gloss over this. Like, let me get through this list. Don't please. Number four, here's another assumption they make. It assumes that there is no insurance to cover the cost of those new goods. Insurance is what we pay into cover incidental costs that come up, right? So as long as we don't abuse it by filing false claims, insurance premiums won't inflate significantly,

and that's why insurance companies are so profitable. So that's also making an assumption that the shop owner doesn't have some kind of insurance to cover incidental costs like that. Here's another assumption. It neglects the possibility that insurance can exceed the cost to replace the broken asset. So sometimes insurance pays you even more than the item is worth. You and I have a mutual friend whose car was totaled,

and he got way more money from the insurance company than the car was even worth. So he actually ended up making more money that he then spent on something else. So that's another assumption that they make with this fallacy. Here's another assumption. Number six. It doesn't factor in the number of people who die without making an insurance claim, which are funds that go back into the pool. That also stimulates the economy.

It also assumes that any rebuilding after a war is a maintenance cost. They're assuming that everything is a maintenance cost. It neglects the possibility that the things that we rebuild are often better than the things that were destroyed. The reason old buildings get destroyed in earthquakes is often because they're not built up to code. Newer buildings are made with newer materials and technology that can withstand future earthquakes. So we're replacing something old with something new that's better and more valuable. Those are all assumptions that the fallacy completely dismisses and disregards.

And then before I get to the last point, what do you have to say about that? None of this makes any sense. I mean, it's, I don't even know if I'd call it cherry picking. It's not. Like, it's like, it's like, I don't think you understand the basic point of the broken window fallacy. No, I do. Okay, can you explain it? I mean, you've said a lesser mind is someone who can't have two thoughts in their head.

Can you explain it in favor of the broken window fallacy? Sure. Like, you're, you're making it very specific, like, with insurance. Even though insurance is itself a cost. Everybody has insurance. Do you have insurance for, like, your bicycle tires? No, but my car, I do. So your car specifically.

but not in like in general you don't have insurance for every little thing you own sure i do it's renter's insurance i do so if you like tore a hole in your jeans you would file a renter's insurance claim uh i don't think renter's insurance covers jeans you should be able to answer that right away no you would never do that you're choosing a specific example of something that's not covered by it what's your point i'm saying in life in general when things break people don't file insurance claims unless it's specifically for their health or their car people in general don't file like small business insurance claims for things that cost a small amount of money because it will raise their rates. And it's not covered by the deductible. Totally false. I file insurance claims all the time. With my renters insurance, it covers things that are lost, stolen,

or even damaged. My last apartment, I had a hand truck that was stolen. I filed an insurance claim and got money for it. Oh, well, I mean, good for... So, in your opinion, having your hand truck stolen stimulated the economy. Yeah. Okay.

Because that hand truck went to somebody who had it and wasn't probably going to purchase it because he's a thief. So then I had to go out and buy another one. Well, if you call armchair economists a big problem, then this is definitely a big problem, because that's armchair economizing. Yeah, well, Dick, you asked me a question. You said, can I state any scenario in which the broken window fallacy is true? No, just that you understand it.

I do, Dick. And specifically in the scenario that he laid out with these assumptions, it's correct. That if the shop owner had a broken window and we're in the 1800s and we don't have any other things that are breaking, He has disposable income, and he was intending to spend that disposable income on something else that he now can't buy because he has to replace that broken window. Yes, in that specific scenario, the broken window fallacy applies. But that scenario is irrelevant to modern days. And I'll tell you why. Completely irrelevant.

Well, not completely, but to a large extent. And I'll tell you why, here's my final point and my final assumption. The broken window fallacy neglects the acceleration of new technology that gets developed during wars. Not only that, but it neglects the creation of entire new industries created during wars that didn't exist before. For example, here are some inventions that came out of World War II. Radar. It was invented to get bombers on target and it cut costs of bombing campaigns significantly. Bombers were wildly off target and completely missed the entire area they were going for,

destroying more innocent buildings and causing more collateral life damage. They made landing safer too because far fewer accidents happen at night. Microwaves came out of World War II. Dynamo-powered flashlights. Those are crank flashlights. They last upwards of 70 years. Those came out of World War II. Penicillin was invented in 1928, but it wasn't until 1939 that it was popularized because it started saving the lives of troops, and by 1944, it saved 12 to 15% of our soldiers, ushering in a widespread adoption of vaccination programs that we're still using today.

No thanks to anti-vaxxers. How many dicks did it save, though? Penicillin? Probably it. A lot. A lot more than that. syphilis and, you know, that's how you curious, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it's so important

for war. People are banging, man. These French girls are grateful. We saved them. Ooh, la, la. Yeah, they were. It created synthetic rubber and oil, an all-new industry that didn't exist before the war. Jerry cans were created because of war.

Jerry cans are like those metallic canisters you see for gasoline that they put on the back of jeeps. Sure. Those are specifically invented in design because they had to quickly pour fuel without having a container that would compromise its structural stability. So they put an air pocket in the handle.

So when you poured it out, the air pocket would cause a differential that would cause the fuel to come out smoothly. I mean, if you're crediting a war with inventing a shape of a metal can, I think that's kind of reaching. Well, it came out of the war because of a need. So so did radar. Like in World War I, people, like pilots were dropping bombs out the side of the plane.

Like, it was really rudimentary how they were doing bombing campaigns in World War II. War I. World War II, we have... Some people might see that as a good thing. We couldn't more easily murder a bunch of civilians. Yeah, but that doesn't mean we stop trying. We just waste more money doing it. I'm just saying some people might see that

as a good thing. Okay, you're right. Then we also got pressurized air cabins from World War II. It solved altitude sickness, baritrama, and hypoxia. These are all things that we were suffering from. Anyway, so microwaves is one of the big ones that came out of World War II.

had we not had that war that created the accelerated effect on our economy, we might not have developed this technology for years to come, if ever. Or we might have developed it sooner. Like, that's the point of a fallacy. But we have evidence that we didn't develop it sooner. But you can't say, without the war, they wouldn't have made a gas container faster and better than the one we have. Like, there's no control for this claim you're making.

There is, in that these things were specifically invented to solve a problem that we had during a war. Had we had, like, nobody had a problem of pouring out gasoline quickly before the war. This was just something that they invented on the field because they saw a need for it. Well, we might have, if we had not been fighting a war, this is what people are saying that you've got to understand. Right. If we had not been fighting a war, we might have solved a bigger problem. Yeah.

Like, yeah, we solved not being able to fuel jeeps fast enough. Right. But we might have solved, you know, female genital mutilation. Yeah. With the money and the resources that we sunk into killing people. Sure. We might have solved something better. Might have solved slactivism.

I don't know how. But it might have happened. It's possible, Dick, but without mobilizing those funds and without really having a cause behind it, without getting the entire nation behind you, and scientists thinking about it around the clock, there's no urgency. And I would make the case that wars accelerate the creation of these devices and these inventions, specifically to solve these problems because we have an active, urgent need for it, whereas female genital mutilation has been going on for decades and decades,

and nobody's done anything about it. Centuries. Yeah, sure, centuries. Forever. So it's been going on despite war. It's been going on regardless of war because I don't think that nations view it as a very urgent problem like they did with war. Yeah, I'm going to tell you something very honestly. I think it's a shame that you can say war is good because it grows technology. I think that's a really bad thing seed to put in people's heads. Hold on. I'm not saying war is good.

I definitely didn't say that. If you credit it for inventing these things, we might not have invented them sooner, I think that's a really poisonous thing to put in people's heads. But isn't it fair to say that both things can be true? I mean, I don't think that it's necessarily A or B. Like, I mean, yeah, it grew our economy and war is pretty shitty. But you don't know that it grew the economy. We do.

That's what you're saying. But it is credited. Yeah, but that's a problem too. Like, there's also evidence saying the war didn't grow the economy and, in fact, stifled it. And that war in general is not this contributor. Creates an economic boom. Yeah. There's evidence saying it doesn't.

And that's what being an economist is, taking multiple views of something. Yeah. And kind of positing what maybe, why maybe we did the things that we did. But you didn't address the seventh point that I made, Dick, that the fallacy neglects that all, costs in a war are not maintenance costs. Some of them are technology costs. Like if you replace a depreciated computer, like, for example, if mine got burned in a fire in my apartment and I filed an insurance claim for it, it would be replaced for the monetary

value that that computer is worth. They don't necessarily count depreciation or whatever, and I may be able to take those funds and buy a computer today that would be worth way more, that has way more value than whatever I replaced. So not everything is a maintenance cost. Those buildings that are being rebuilt in Nepal are being built up to today's standards rather than those shacks that they had before. 100% false. No, no, it's not.

They did in China. That's what they did in China. All the buildings they rebuilt in China after the Seshuan Province earthquake, all that infrastructure they're rebuilding is using modern polymers, modern technology, modern equipment. Everything's getting better. Let me ask you this. First of all, China's not a third world country that no one gives a shit about. So, of course, they built their stuff good because they have the ability to do that. Number two, and here is the core of the broken window fallacy.

They rebuilt a whole town, got it up to par, right? And you say that's a good thing. Right. There you go. And that's where the myopia sinks in. Because what you don't think is with all that money, if we didn't have to rebuild these buildings, we could have built 100 hospitals. We could have built 100 schools.

We could have built any number of things that now we cannot build because we had to rebuild shit that was basically working. Yeah, but you're also neglecting... That's the fallacy. I understand that, Dick. But you're also neglecting that instead of we could have built, we could have, we could have. I'm hearing a lot of we could have, but we could have also just sat on that money and put it in the stock market.

We could have just sat there with collecting interest on it. We could have. Except, you know what really inspires people to do things, Dick? Inspiration comes from necessity. That's when you actually have to get up off your ass and do something about it. You have to get up off your ass and build something because it's... It's gone. You need it. Yeah.

That's why radar was built. I think people dying is a good necessity to build a hospital. It is. Like, the point of the fallacy is the could have. You're saying that the could have is the stupid part, but the fallacy posits the idea that look at all the things you could have done if you didn't have to spend this money replacing something. Like, if your bicycle tire got slashed by someone who thinks bicyclers are a big problem.

Right. And that they're also too big of pussies to do anything about it. Yeah. If somebody just walked out and slashed your bike tire. They're wrong. They would get a tire iron upside their head, but go on. Okay. Yeah.

You'll have to spend money replacing that tire, because you're not going to submit an insurance claim for that. No. That you might have spent on, I don't know, making another video. Right. Like, the point of the fallacy is the what if. What if you didn't have to spend it? That's why you can't just say it's good that they slashed my bike tire because now I have to go spend money on another tire. Right.

It's easy to say that. That's a beautiful cherry-picked assumption that you made. But that's what... It's not cherry-picked. That's what replacing this shit. You specifically chose an example of something that isn't insured, like my bike. If you use that example with my car, I would say, yeah, well, it's insured, and my insurance rate isn't going to go up.

They're just going to replace the tire, and that's that. If it happens too often, yeah, my insurance rate might go up. But you've neglected insurance. You've chosen something that isn't covered by insurance. Yeah, this is, you are way far off on this. Let's take insurance then. If insurance covers it, you're also contributing money globally to a business. that is building tires

instead of the business you would have other instead of the industry you would have otherwise put your money in globally. Yes because the tire company has to get money from somewhere

whether it's you or the insurance company it doesn't fucking matter that it's insurance they would have got that money and the industry benefits that small tiny drop and all those drops add up otherwise another industry

let's say you would have gone and bought a video game the video game industry would have benefited from that money It doesn't matter that you personally have to spend it one way or the other. Would you rather have that money go to the bicycle tire company or industry or the video game industry, which I think you would support more? Dick, what you said makes no sense because you're assuming that the money that I have invested in insurance is mine to spend however I want.

It's not. It's there specifically to replace tires or something, some damage that happens to my car. Of course, if I had that money as disposable income, I might spend it on video games. I might spend it on making a new video. I might save it and invest it. If I don't have an urgency to spend it, I might not spend it because as a shrewd investor, as somebody who wants to save money for the future, if I'm going to put money in the bank, I'm going to leave it there unless I have to spend it.

That's why you save money for a rainy day. That phrase comes from necessity, spending for a rainy day, spending in case of adversity. That money is not there for you to spend if it's invested in insurance. The only way to stimulate the economy, and by the way, insurance companies are hoarding, that money and collecting interest on it. The only way to stimulate the economy is to get that value out of the insurance company and replace that tire. That does have a net positive

effect on the economy. I don't know how, I don't know what to root for in the voting on this one. Because I think you're being the biggest armchair economist that I've ever met now. And I think it's a big problem because I don't think you know what you're talking about in this case.

I know. I mean this is like, part of this is proving that, is saying that war is good because it brings to... No, no, no, no. I didn't say war is good. What Sean said is perfect. Sean said that some good can come of war, but war is also bad. Okay. So I don't know how I want the voting to go. I guess go vote up

armchair economists. You know, Dick, you know what's a big problem is not being able to breathe in space? And that's because of that problem, NASA has created all sorts of technology and all sorts of space companies, space industries in various countries have tackled this problem to

create new technologies to solve this problem. We're not sitting down on Earth trying to think of new ways to breathe in space unless we had to. We didn't think of those problems until we encountered them. So that's why sometimes, some problems can inspire

creation of new industries that we didn't even know existed. Our economy is bigger today because of World War II, because of these technologies that were invented out of necessity. Had we not had that necessity, you know what, Dick?

Maybe it would have been invented. Maybe not. Maybe it would have taken multiple more years to come about, but that necessity created that invention, and you can't deny that. You're saying society is more reactionary than anything else.

Yeah, that's why slackivism is problem number one, because people see it and get pissed off and then click the vote, when it doesn't absolutely nothing. Yeah. Slackivism does absolutely fucking nothing. All right. Well, that's my problem. Well, that's your point.

Yeah. Should we go over? We got anything else? There's a long episode. This is our longest episode yet. Do you have anything else? No, that's, I mean, I got some other stuff, but I guess I'll just end on this last point here.

Richard Beers says, Dick is a genius. And he quoted you, he said, Are heart attacks good because they keep cardiac surgeons employed? And he says, no, Maddox, heart attacks are not good. And he says, W2 was not good for the economy. Yes, the Stubilus spending, and he's just like kind of rambled on with us.

He's making good points. World War II is not good for the economy. Heart attacks are not good because they keep cardiac surgeons employed. Pretty simple. Cardiac surgeons exist because heart attacks exist. So those cardiac surgeons are in an industry. that was created in response to heart attacks. No, you're totally right.

We'd be so fucked if there was no heart attacks, and we had all these cardiac surgeons around that didn't know what to do, right? Then that would be the biggest problem ever. We got all these cardiac surgeons, but no fucking heart attacks. Let's chin up some heart attacks. You know, Dick, I took a class that studied modeling, not just of the economy, but of the heart,

because it's very similar. The equations that they use for regression models for the economy are similar to equations they use to model electrical circuitry, electrical pathways through the heart. And they found that in doing this research, they found that this has applications in so many other fields that they never even thought of. It's improved not just pacemakers, but cancer research and biology and chemistry, all these different fields, these applications came about because we were trying to solve this problem of heart attacks. So I don't think that it's, I think

it's a simplistic view to say that, yeah, cardiac surgeons wouldn't exist without heart attacks, but then they would be spending that time doing something else. You know what? Net, it might have a net positive. That's all I'm saying. All right. You done? Yeah. I got to get to one more thing before we close out the show. Because as you know, last

week, I won. Dick, nobody... This is fucking bullshit. This is what I get? Do you remember where we were last time? It's been a while since we've had to watch 30 seconds of Titanic. You know what? Dickhead, you don't get to play the song and the Titanic

I'm talking to you about where we are in Titanic I'm not just playing the song. Do you remember where we were? I know. I'll tell you that you can sit through me recap it if you want. We started under the ocean. What? No, I just... Fuck yourself. Grant Mooney.

We were under the ocean. Bill Paxton was taking us on some kind of archaeological expedition, right? In a submarine, under the sea? I don't know. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Do you remember when he pulled out What did he pull out? A little child's toy? A dildo. A dildo?

He pulled out a safe. Do you remember what he pulled out of the safe? No, because I didn't see it, Dick. I was looking down on my cock. Yeah, but you heard it. No. You know what? I'm plugging my ears this time.

And you said, what did he pull out a big gem? Remember? He opened the same thing. Yeah, because I read the synopsis. I know what it is. Oh, you know what it is. Yeah. Well, you're in luck.

You're going to relive it. I've mixed in a stereos's commentary, too. All right, there they are, opening the safe. Oh, looking up. Maddox? Looking up. Sounds juicy. A lot of water came on me.

Yeah. Stereo. Look at his face. He looks like a bottle of hot sauce. Don't you want to see that? No. Yeah, he's got that bulging vein thing going on. Oh my God.

Titanic lover. Good movie. It's a shit movie. Is it better than Guardians of the Galaxy? Do you think or worse? It's probably... Great joke, dick. Randy said it looks like the box we got from Butts Sanchez

Niroldo and his career never recovered This feels like longer than 30 seconds It was a little bit longer I've been growing them by a couple seconds every week I knew it, I knew it Somebody commented too They found that one of them was like 36 seconds long Oh, go fuck yourself

My problem was bicyclers My problem was armchair economists Which I'm not But you should definitely vote up See you next Tuesday Bullshit fallacies Let's play some of these.

Dick Ron. This is Jed. I'm a moderator for bodybuilding.com. You may know me by my handle, Roybalt 96. And I have the answer to your question, because if bodybuilding.com, we care about providing accurate info

and getting stuff right and stuff. It's true. So historically, Armenia has been associated with Asia and the Middle East, but these days, it is economically, and politically in line with Europe. In fact, our media joined the Eurasian

Economic Union in January. Is that not true? Also, I wanted to inform you that we banned your account. Oh. Turns out there have been numerous sexual harassment claims on our forums

from both our male and trans-fictional users. So, as we say at bodybuilding.com, GnC sucks and go fuck you tell. Your account got banned. No complaints from women, though.

So what does that tell you? only men and transsexuals. I mean, it tells me there's no women on Bodybuildingforum.com. Oh, there is? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure they're women, in quotes.

Oh, that's very offensive. No, I'm saying they're guys pretending to be women, so you send them dickpicks. No, they're not hot chicks. No hot chicks hanging out on a forum with bros. Yeah, why would women want to hang out a bunch of buff dudes, right? Because they talk like meatheads, maybe in real life, but you don't want to chat with them online.

Talking about Armenia's economic policy. Get out of here. Hey guys, it's been from Ohio. Just had a quick question for you. Where the fuck is my bonus episode? I paid fucking 94-something cents for this thing, and I don't have time to be fucking sitting around all weekend, waiting for your bonus episode

so that I can fucking sit around all weekend and do nothing listening to your bonus episode instead of doing my job. I don't want to hear any bullshit about, oh, boisterous coconuts came by unexpectedly, and we had to host him. Put him on the fucking bonus episode. And give me my goddamn bonus episode.

And just one other quick thing, Dick, if you get a moment between not releasing the bonus episode, if you could go fucking stuff. I'll tell you what you can do where your bonus episode is. It's probably where that other dollar five cents is, Dick Our bonus episodes don't cost 94 cents. But they are available on the website so you can go there to buy them.

Yeah, $1.99 or $5.99 for the entire season, which is a bargain. You save, like, what, $7. Yeah, so don't buy that. Buy them individually. Yeah, multiple times we recommend. It stimulates the economy. Sean, bringing it home. Bravo.

Yeah, I don't know. Send Dick an email if you're not getting the bonus episodes. I've got a bunch of emails from people who don't get it for some reason. They put the wrong email in. It's always the wrong email. How the fuck hard is it to copy and paste your own email? Yeah, it's awful. These people put typos in their email.

And then they, like, every single time they say, no, I'm sure I typed it correctly. Because I got the PayPal receipt. I'm like, Dickhead, your PayPal receipt is tied to your actual email. Yeah. Yeah. Not the one that you typed into the, and then it's always like homemail.com instead of hotmail. Wait, who's using hotmail anymore either? Our listeners.

They are. I know. I don't get... I guess. Dick, I got one last clip to play. This is from Reverend Scott. He sent in another clip this time. So he sent in one for our 50th episode,

and he thought this was another milestone, 52? Did he rip off the background music this time and not credited it? Do you see that? I credited it, though. Oh, really? Yeah, I did. Okay. I saw that somebody in the comment said,

this came from someone else. Yeah. No regard. Yeah. No, he mentioned it in an email, but I thought it was a collaboration. I don't know if it was, but I gave credit just to be safe. All right.

So anyway, here it is. If she don't raw dog, I go, nah, dog. Here comes the Christian ministries of Reverend Scott. I love it. Hey there, Maddox, Dick, and Sean, this is Reverend Scott.

Here to celebrate your one-year anniversary with a little segment I like to call, Holy shit with Reverend Scott. I can already tell you're excited to hear it, Maddox. This is worse than sitting on my balls. Maybe I'll just stop then.

Come on, it makes my nip. so hard. Well, in that case, I'll continue. First things first, though, it's about time I came here with my own problem. I've been listening to your problems for a year now. Plastic bag, bands, self-checkout lanes not working, not enough bartenders, Tom's shoes, anti-vaxxers, drought dick bags, celebrity worship, hipsters, detox diets. You want all those have in common?

The state of fucking California. That's my problem. California. We're really only one earthquake away from solving that problem, though. So everybody go vote down earthquakes, because that's not a problem. That's a solution. I'd like to see you try and argue against that logic, Dick. Uh, all right, let me think. Hold on.

Nah, you got me. What's even worse about California is all you jerk-offs live there. Get fucked. I'm serious. I don't like what that place is doing to you guys. What do you spend most of your time doing there, Dick? Usually I'm getting my ass torn up. I know I don't want to pass out at any parties you go to, dick.

Not with what they do to you. They draw dicks on your face. They put their dicks on their face. They put your dick on their face. And don't you laugh, Maddox, because California has done something even worse to you. It's taken away your manhood. Hey, guys, psychologically, I identify as a woman. So you have to call me a woman.

I get to use women's restrooms. I haven't had the operation or the surgery yet. Nobody should be allowed to doubt my sincerity. Oh, we won't, buddy. And that's probably why you're so into censoring porn. I mean, a vagina would totally kill my boner if I saw it uncensored. Yeah. I think it's about time we just all said farewell to Maddox's balls.

Take my balls, do with them what you will. Why don't you have a Viking funeral for my balls? Why don't you just send them out to sea, set them on fire, and watch them just get ashy. They might as well because they're never going to do anything. At least you can start getting the type of sex that you want the most. Super into anal. Okay. Sometimes penis goes into bud.

Okay, Maddox, we get it. God. And I'd mention Sean, too, but then the segment would probably get deleted. Oh, and Astero's, he's not even from California, so I'm not sure what his excuse is. This whiny little bitch needs to shut the hell up. You know what? I think that's enough for one week, guys. Congrats on one year of podcasts.

Now, go vote up California. And as always, peace and love, guys. Shithead. Fuck Oh man I'm gonna jerk off out of anger That guy gets a problem Mr. Music ripoff

Reverend BuzzFeed He gets a fucking problem That shit is a problem California I don't know Maybe we should vote on Whether or not His problem gets to be voted on

That's up to you Yeah Oh that's it That's it