The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 53

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. And with us today is our very good friend and comedian Ron Babcock. Hey, guys. Hello, Ron. Hello.

Welcome to the show, Ron. We know Ron through the comedy scene in Los Angeles. You sound like such a douche bad. I know. He's put it like that. Yeah, I didn't want to say... I do hang out in the scene. I'm a comedy scene guy.

I guess. What else would you call it, though? I have seen Ron play. I think the funniest thing I've seen you do is play Jefferson Davis. Oh, yeah. In an argument of nerds. Yeah. You know what? I found out that was for the, when the VEP, the cast of VEP was judging the show. Yes. And Joe Starr was helping me out. And they said that they wanted to give us the win. But they didn't want it to get out that the cast of VEP voted for Jefferson Davis. You know, because he was the president of the Confederacy. So they're like, yeah, so we didn't give you the win.

And I'm like, well, that's kind of better. That sucks. Yeah. You had a leaf blower and toilet paper on a stick. Toilet paper rolls on a stick. And then we came out to Kid Rocks, you know, that bum, but the bum. And my friend Joe was dressed behind me as a juggalo holding a Confederate flag, it said redneck on it. And we just kind of sprayed that.

So the whole thing was like, you know, Jefferson Davis was just this piece of it. He was actually an awful president, too, for the Confederacy. He was terrible. He supported states' rights. Yeah, state rights. That was the whole argument. What is it? Sean, what's the record for the libertarian agenda? I'm the ingenuity of the toilet paper canon is great.

I was like, that's amazing. That should be a life act. Shoot it all. On the internet. You turn on the leap load, the toilet paper goes crazy. Yeah, that's a real life hack. Real useful. Oh, man.

I can't get this toilet paper off. He's all fast enough. Already in a bad mood. No, I'm happy. I'm super happy. In fact, let's go over the voting from last episode. Ooh. Dick.

Number one problem from last one. week was armchair economists. Yeah, that's right. Smart, brilliant, genius. Max, do you know what we do on this show? Yes, and by that I mean no. Okay, so we bring in problems and we try to present our case as to why it's the biggest problem in the universe. But every once in a while, Maddox did something interesting last week. He brought in a problem and then he was that problem as hard as he possibly could be. He brought in armchair economists last week and then proceeded to be an armchair economist last week and then proceeded to be an armchair economist for half an hour so bad and so hard that a doctorate, a doctorate of economy, I don't know, what I see.

This sounds like somebody I will respect, even though I basically spend the entire hour shitting on economists, how they're basically just glorified clairvoyance. After taking one college course in economics. Yeah, what did the psychic say? A professor of economics took time out of his very busy and this is a learned man. who has a PhD, not a pH nothing, like you, a PhD in economics. He took a time out of his day to write a three-page response to your assonime comments about armchair. Where is it?

Well, I brought it in. I'm going to read you passages from it if you want. So, Ron, let me get you up to speed in anyone who hasn't listened to the last episode yet, which was probably one of our best ever. It's one of my personal favorites. The premise of the episode I brought in, Armchair Economist, was because someone called me out for this thing called the broken window fallacy, which is basically if you break a window, it's not a good thing because the argument is made

that it could stimulate the economy, right? So people say, well, you have to replace the window, so that money that you would spend on replacing the broken window could be spent on something else that you're now not spending on, so therefore it's a null, it's a null contribution to the economy.

That's the entire fallacy. Let me ask you this. Broken window, bad or good? I'd say it's bad? Yeah, there we go. There we go. More qualified than you. And yet, and yet, and yet, I just want to make this point.

You know what's ironic is that very same episode. We got a package from our good fan but Sanchez, where we had literally broken bottles in it, which made for a way better episode, added a significant amount of value to this show's lore that we will be talking about forever. Dick, you yourself said it couldn't have turned out better. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. So, there you go.

Our own fucking episode disproved the fucking bullshit-ass theory. And his name was But Sanchez. Oh yeah, we got a big fan. I mentor him in ways, in life ways. My dad was a professor of economics at the University of Scranton in Scranton, Pennsylvania. He's also associate dean of the School of Management there, which is nationally recognized. So just on a matter of principle and in honor of my father, who, yes, has passed away, I'd like to be against Maddox's argument. What an unfair or shit argument.

Well, here's another professor of economics who supports you. He says, Dick and Maddox love the show. I'm a recent PhD in economics, and I'm starting as a professor at Northern Illinois University in August. I heard Maddox is terrible. Why did you emphasize that? Was that in quotes? Was he being sarcastic?

No, no, that's just what it says. Terrible attempt at trying to justify the broken window fallacy, and I couldn't resist sending this. That's how it starts. Great. Three pages long. I'm not going to read all of it. Dude, he worked on that.

Like, that was his whole morning was composing this email. So, I think we have to post it. Like, this is a, this is a white paper. I'm happy to see it. I'm happy to see it. Here's what I'm going to propose, okay? This is no joke. I want the biggest, baddest, awesome economist out there who's listening to this show.

This professor's included, okay? If you guys want to nominate this professor to challenge me to a debate, I would love to have a fucking debate with this guy. Specifically about the broken window fallacy because I don't know shit about economics. I'm not an armchair. I was shut the fuck up, dick. My problem was voted high. Your bullshit bicyclers problem.

Downvoted into negative territories. Just bicyclists, like in general? Bicyclers is what you called them. Bicyclers. I have a big problem with bicyclers. They're like the hemorrhoids of traffic. So just any dude on his bike, you're not into it. Yeah, yeah.

Big problem. Oh, God, I hate both these problems. Stupid asshole. Well, okay, Ron, this is no joke. When I was taking the advanced math portion of the GRE test, some kid walked into our testing room, and he said, is this the Econ advanced study? And we're like, no, it's a room next door.

And after he left someone blurred out, it's like economics, is there a wrong answer? And everybody busted up laughing. It's like a butt of jokes in the mathematics field. Is that a math joke? Yeah. Oh, wow. Dude, super, super hilarious.

Hey, we're math majors. A asymptotically approach is not funny. That joke has such a common denominator. You fucking, that's not even nerdy. That's just like, oh, that's such a try-hard mathematical joke. All right. I just say words. A late relate to something.

Dr. Holt, the Doctor of Economics. This is the guy? Yeah, goes on to say. First of all, I should point out that these clunky regression models, Maddox criticizes, are exactly the same clunky regression models he used to, justify the lack of a gender wage gap in last month's video. No, that's not true. Well, that's what the doctor says.

Oh, actually, hold on, hold on, hold on. Actually, yes? No, no. Specifically, one of the studies I referenced did do a regression model to figure out the wage gap. That was the American Association of University Women, not the Bureau of Labor Statistics study. I'm going to skip to the most important part, because we're already running late. Dick accurately summed up the broken window fallacy by stating precisely what Bastiaa meant when first stating it.

We see the effects of the broken window on the shopkeeper's wallet, but what we do not see is the money that would have been spent elsewhere. Precisely. Yeah. I precisely stated something that a respected economist said. You precisely... No, you didn't. I'm like a prodigy of economics over here.

You simply cited the fallacy word for word. You just repeated yourself, which is what every single person who's been arguing with me is done. They have not addressed my arguments. Let me ask you this, Dick. Go ahead. Let's say, this is not a hypothetical situation. Everyone hates this conversation by this. We've got so much hate mail about the economics problem.

No, man, this is so awesome. I have two things I want to say, okay? Two quick little examples. One is I'm sorry. I'm not. And the other is I'm wrong. Okay, Ron, I'm editing these episodes. I'm going to use that out of context.

You better believe it. So here's the thing. Let's say there's a 3D modeler. Somebody who models does 3D modeling on their computer, right? Nerd. That's something that requires a lot of rendering and computational power, right? Yeah. So if your computer is, say, five years old, which mine has been in many instances in my life, five or ten years old,

and that computer is insured under renter's insurance, which covers computers, DVDs, power tools, etc., that computer gets destroyed, and you replace it for the cost of value, right? That the cost of the purchase, then you buy a modern day computer that increases your efficiency. So your productivity has now increased, hasn't it? Oh, God, I got that sound in my brain, that eh, sound listening. to this. Despite the time you spent not having a computer. Well, you could, I mean, that's trivial.

You could buy the same day if you wanted to. Trivial to not have a computer on. I mean, yeah, I mean, apparently your insurance company is really good. They cut you that check pretty fast. They never fuck with you at all. I mean, that's arbitrary. That's an arbitrary argument. You could say it's a day. You could say it's a week. You could say it's a month. Like, whatever. I mean, whatever that time is, yeah, you're correct. You would deduct that from it. But it would

depend on how quickly they returned it. But no, rebuttal, I'm hearing. No, because it's stupid. Dick, if in the earthquake, they built something, say like a power reactor that in place of some of the broken hovels and houses that then generated funds in the future, would you say that that's a positive benefit from the earthquake? From the earthquake? Yeah.

I don't know. What if two people met and fell in love because of the earthquake? No, no. Sorry all the hundreds of thousands of people that died. This isn't a what if. I mean, I'm asking you, if that actually happened, would you say that's positive? Would I say it's positive that they built a reactor? Just tell me what you want to say.

I don't know what the hell you're thinking. You won't answer. You won't give me a straight answer. No, because building a reactor? you need power plants. What do you mean it's good or bad? You need them. If you had a working one. You're basically making the same argument as Gary Oldman did in the fifth element.

When the priest, he's talking to the head priest and he's like, chaos is good because you have to have all these little toys and these workers and these manufacturers to help clean up the chaos. But what Gary Oldman didn't realize was that it was almost too much chaos. It would have brought, like, you know, you could have a little bit of chaos and it would spur economic activity. But too much, like a huge earthquake that would dismantle all of our system. We wouldn't recover from that quick enough. Hmm. Interesting.

That's Emmanuel Jean-Baptiste Zorg, bitch. What do you have to say about that? Yeah, well, I have this case study from 1976. The Tang Shan earthquakes, dickhead. You know what happened? They rebuilt the entire city, more modern, widened streets, greater property value, and they built a power reactor that was the biggest power reactor in northern China. And guess how they paid for it?

This totally shits on your fucking fallacy because they didn't go into debt. They paid for it with future profits from the power reactor that they built. So fuck you. Bro, it's Nepal. They're like the poorest country on Earth. They don't have these options. Correct. I already ceded that the broken window fallacy is accurate in some instances.

Dude, this is going to be so ironic when you die in an earthquake. He's going to put his funeral on a credit card. Mattie's a famed economist. He's going to crowd fund his own funeral costs. I'm your friend. So you said you wanted to argue an economist, right? You want to debate, bring the best one you've got. That's what you said.

That's like scrappy do, challenging Mike Tyson do a boxing match. You realize Dick Masterson, when you search for the broken window fallacy, there is an entire section on Wikipedia that's entirely criticisms, and there's a study in the Journal of Economic Inquiry, Volume 40, issue 4, that specifically shits on this fallacy. You realize, like, this is not just me. conjecturing here. This is actually other learned men

to use your parlance have shit on this fallacy as well. I think what you're trying to say is that you can make the best out of a bad situation. Correct. You know, but sometimes. Sometimes. That's the thing. It's not, you know, people are, you know, sometimes people's to spill some milk. Look at Haiti. Yeah. Correct.

Look at Haiti. I don't have anything else to say besides that, but look at Haiti. Haiti's a good example of this not working. I got an email. I got a voicemail for you. Manich, you sanctimonious piece of shit. I can't fucking believe that you sat on this fucking podcast and all you talked about was how good war was for the economy. It killed tens of millions of people. How the fuck don't you understand that? The economy is so great. Oh, war helped the economy. What about for the tens of millions of people who are fucking dead? You're fucking idiot. Yeah, sometimes it's not all good.

I got another one for you. Yeah, Maddox, you forgot about the broken hymen fallacy, but we speculate that you go fuck yourself because you're fucking free-flowing out of your vagina. You got another one. Hey, Maddox, I just wanted to let you know that the assumptions you used to criticize the broken window fallacy included some assumptions of your own.

Like money sitting in bank is bad. Money sitting in the bank reduces the cost of capital. Reduce them. And then people can invest in things like research and development. Yeah. You also assume that spending is inherently good for the economy. If I give you $20 to eat shit and you turn right around and give me $20 to eat shit, the economy grew by $40, but we both ate shit for nothing.

And Dick, rolls were built to accommodate. That's a good point. Dude, that guy's great. What do you put the joint down, Dickhead? Next time you call into a professional, nationally worldwide syndicated radio broadcast. You never put that joint down, man. Scott Miller says,

Sanchez, you imbecile, do you know how many people you could have helped in Nepal if you'd sent them this barbecue sauce? I don't know, if he does or not. Probably close to zero. I got a comment from Zachary Jensen. He said, funny seeing Maddox get called anti-fun in the intro

when Dick's problem is fucking Bachelor Part. parties. Yeah. That's from a couple episodes ago. Oh, please. Oh, you're trying to turn this around on me now? You're on Typhon. Yeah.

Okay, Starlord. Whatever you say. I got another comment from Derek Hart. And you got called out on this a lot, Dick, in the comments. But he said, Dick, a tight end does not run the ball often unless it's a trick play. On the goal line, a handoff usually goes to the running back or fullback. Here, I got a voicemail. I got a great voicemail on that one.

Yeah. Because I try to bring in voicemails that shit on me. But last week, there was only two. Maddox made such an ass of himself Yeah Yeah I don't know what the bags of sand equivalent is for football But hand it off to the tight end at the one yard line You're a fucking idiot

I'm so glad that people called you out on football Because I don't know shit about it Well No I knew I screwed it up as I listened back to it too I was thinking So this guy this fan This fan packaged like a $400 worth of hot sauce Was it But Sanchez?

Yes but Sanchez packaged like 440s $400 worth of hot sauce and, um, and like, and toys and a statue of ash from Army of Darkness. A limited edition out of 150 of them. Whoa. And I saw one going on eBay right now, like today going for $400. Yeah. So he packaged all this stuff up for us as a present for our year anniversary, right? Holy shit.

Yeah. And he's making a big deal out of it. But there was this whole thing. He didn't use any packing peanuts or anything. He put like, he just put it in the box? Yeah. Yeah. Basically.

Basically. So all the barbecue sauce... Does he not understand how things work? I don't think so. Well, that's why he's asking Dick for advice. Obviously not. Yeah. Which, by the way, Ron, again, ended up being way better for the show than had those

broken, those bottles not broken. So fuck you again with your broken fallacy horseshit. So I was trying to teach the lesson of, look, when you're at the one yard line, you carry it across. Like, you put the packing peanuts in. You make sure you do everything. Don't get distracted. Don't start celebrating early, right? That was my point.

I stupidly said you hand it off to the tight end when you never... Oh, what a fucking idiot. That's what the Seahawks did in the last Super Bowl, right? And they fought up. They threw it to the tight end instead of just handing it off to Marshot and Lynch, running back. But I got my metaphor all confused. It was like, wait a minute, the quarterback's not going to run it in.

Yeah, but I also feel like your listening audience is very understanding whenever you make a slight mistake. I made a mistake. Right? I'm saying I'm wrong. It's very easy. Oh. Very easy to do.

You just saw that, right? I've never said those two words consecutively in my life. Anyway, this guy just ends a comment with ESPN reporting. I'm Dick Masterson. Dick Masterson Sports Reporter. Great. Yeah, you got another one? Go ahead.

Oh, I do have one. I do have one, and this is a topic I really want to talk about, but there's going to be a lot of acrimony brought up when I bring this up, and there's going to be a lot of temper. are going to flare. Accusations are going to fly. So I'm going to bring it up now, but I don't want to talk about it in front of our guest. I don't want to talk about it while we have company.

Okay. Let's keep this polite. Right now I feel like the tone in the room is like when you go to your friend's house in middle school and his dad like hits his mom. Yep. Like there's just this really weird energy right now where I'm not sure what to do. Who's who? Who's the dad?

I think we know who's who. Don't fuck this up wrong. That's such a chicken shit answer. Fucking diplomacy. You're obviously the woman. Lucas. Lestrom, Lucas Lestrum says, didn't Sean say he'd bring a problem for the 52nd episode?

And he did. We did say that. You're baiting me and I'm not going to do it. All right. All right. We're going to talk about it next week. That's some 5 o'clock foreshadow. I got a comment from Joseph Forsyth.

He says, Dick considers bicyclists a problem, and in parentheses he says they aren't, and says that they are more likely to get prostate cancer, and health problems from pollution. Wouldn't that mean more bicyclists are likely to die from these problems? And thus, there would be less of them. And then he says, it doesn't really matter anyway, because if you're sitting in your car, you're also increasing your chances of developing cancer.

And then he posts a link to cancer.org, where it says that women who sat for six or more hours daily face a 37% greater risk of death as compared to those who sat for three hours or less. And for men, the increased risk of death for those who sat at least six hours a day was 17%. And those who did not exercise regularly also sat for long periods, faced even greater mortality rates,

a startling 94% higher for women and 48% higher for men. Fuck you. We got to talk about the numbers. You get three numbers. Then you got to stop and summarize. I don't know what the hell any of that was. I couldn't follow it. I'm sorry, Dick.

Maybe go back to kid prison and pay attention this time. What was the point of that? I'm wrong somehow? 94% higher rates of mortality for people who don't exercise and who sit for more than six hours a day and 48% higher for men. For people sitting? Yeah.

Sitting in your car with your... People are sitting for six hours in their car. What is? Is it a study on truck drivers? Probably a study on office workers. It's a study of people who sit in traffic every day and then sit at their desks at work. There's a lot of standing desks in the office I work at, like in the past year. And it's so weird because you'll be at your sitting desk.

And then the guy next to you gets a standing desk. And then he's just literally standing over you while you're sitting next to him. It's just this... And the whole office is like currently being switched over. But it's the big thing. Standing cars, that's what we need. That is what we need. That would be great.

That actually would be really fun to stand and drive a car. They have standing bicycles. Like a podium? Razor scooters. Yeah. I was going to say they have those that are called scooters. Talk about looking like a dipshit while you're traveling. And they have segways, too.

I guess that's a standing car, literally. Yeah, I guess you're right. It's not as cool as I thought of it would be a bus. We can stand and a bus. I want to drive it, though. All right. Are we ready to get to problems? So enough screwing around.

Sure are, Dick. You want to start us off? Go ahead. Sure. Big problem. Yeah. Bad blow jobs. Okay. Is my problem.

Bad blow jobs. Why is that a problem? Guys, I have an announcement to make. Oh, man. I had an amazing blow job this weekend. Whoa. Who's the guy? Yeah.

Good one. Right. Simultaneously. Pick the low-hanging fruit. Yep. Gay jokes. Great. And it made me realize how awful bad blow jobs are.

Yeah, bad blow jobs are awful. So awful that I think they really could be the biggest problem in the universe. Hmm. Well, you're wrong, but go on. Why? Wrong already. Well, because it doesn't kill anyone, doesn't affect anyone, doesn't injure anyone, doesn't have property. Yeah, no, it does kill someone.

It kills boners, like crazy. Like crazy. Do you know how awful it is to get a bad blow job, but then you still have to be, like, kind of positive? Otherwise, you just make them feel bad, so you're like, no, it's great. It's awesome. And meanwhile, you're trying so hard just to maintain a boner. And you're just like, how do you have that many teeth in your mouth right now? Like, it's not pleasurable at all.

You really have to dig-tee-te-season. And then all of a sudden it just makes it like, you, I've had blowjobs where I just couldn't wait for them to end. And that's a terrible way to go through a blowjob. And they don't prepare you for that. No. You think once you get them in bed, oh, man, it's just all smooth sailing. Oh, it's going to be so much fun. And then you...

It's like... It's like... I mean, it's like three out of four. Three out of four times. It's just like, why did I even do any of this? You got to be like a little league coach, you know? We're like, good, keep it up. Good job.

Good job. Good eye. Good eye. I've started coaching them. One of the best blow jobs I've ever gotten was this girl who were like, just seemed dirty. She just seemed like too dirty. Like too good at it?

Huh? Like pig pen? The peanuts? No, no, not like... Oh, like that blowjobs so good? You're like, man, how much? practice have you had? Because that's a lot of practice.

Exactly. One of those. Like too much practice. It's like a porno blow job. And I'm like, this is, this is nuts. Stop it. I feel like, I feel, I started a blush during sex. Oh, awesome. Yeah. Whatever.

The idea of like you putting your hand up to your cheek and be like, oh my. What made it so great? Well, do you want me to talk about the actual technique? I want to know to you. made it great. Okay, there's a smooth... Because that's the big question online. I punched in a, what's the deal with... Like, what's the deal? What's the deal with blowjobs online?

And it's a bunch of women, or probably teenage girls, because I imagine they don't really care if they give shitty blow jobs after they're 23. But just a bunch of girls going, like, what's the trick? What do you do? What are the techniques? It's intimate knowledge of the weiner and enthusiasm. Those two... That is the

biggest thing for me is it's always like, what's the trick? To just enjoy it. Yeah. Like, that's how is like to actively enjoy the process because I've gotten those like you earned it blow jobs and there's nothing worse It's insulting.

Than getting like a well I guess I gotta do this Yeah Like it's just like you're not having fun Yeah I'm not having fun And like because I like reciprocating And I actively enjoy it And so it's like it's not

Sometimes you know I mean I'm a creepy dude I like it All right all right Yeah man It's fun. It's fun. Well, I got some stats for you. Oh, great.

You said, like you're saying, they've got to love it. The worst is, though, is when they give it to you and they're like not into it. And then they're like, why aren't you coming? And you're like, do you really want me to answer that question? Because this is a charade. That's why. I love survey out of Esquire. Women who said, I love it.

That was their response. Only 30%. Only 30% of women said they love doing it. That was their response to the surveys. I love it. They had the choice between I love it. I like it because he likes it. I do it, but I don't like it, which is like a prison sentence in bed.

And I won't do it. Five percent. I can't even imagine that. It's a weird conversation. You know, hey, can I, you know that, would you ever consider, you know, letting me put my penis inside your head and her just, like, drawing the line? I don't do that. Yeah.

Well, that to me is just like to be like, no, I don't like to make my partner feel good. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I guess I would ask, well, why? Like, what's, you know, have you had a bad experience or something? You know, I mean, I feel like there's a lot more subtext under a statement like that.

Yeah, I've met a lot of girls who, well, a lot of them will say, you know, it's kind of like a little bonus. They'll say, I'll swallow. And I say, I don't care. Do what you want with it. Once it leaves my body, it's no longer mine, and I don't feel it. So if it's going down, you throw it and do something, I don't know. You're done, whatever.

I prefer if you go outside and spit it into my garden, because I actually hear it's really good for the plants. I don't care what you do with it. You can fertilize plants, just don't fertilize your ovaries. And please don't get it on my sheets. That too. Because I actually, it is a big pet beef of mine. I'm like, great, now I've got to wash them again, because I'm a pretty type A.

And changing his sheets is a big hassle, isn't it? Oh, yeah, and changing, yeah. And that's like, so many dudes who don't get laid, I'm just like, just change your goddamn sheets. Like, you finally get a woman into your bed. First of all, your mattress is on the floor. Do you think any woman is excited about that possibility when she goes into your room? sees your mattress on the floor. And then you have these dirty, crusty sheets.

It's like, all she's doing is just like, I shouldn't be doing this. Like, just like, spend more than $18 on sheets, change them once every two weeks. I'm not saying anything crazy right now. No. So many dudes don't do this. And then they wonder why they never get laid. And it's like because you live like a hobo. Yeah, Dick Masterson.

What are you talking about me for? Chili sheets? Oh, geez. He made up this story that I have chili on my sheets or some reason. Yeah, chili. Is that what you call it? Chili? Yeah.

Spicy. Baby, you want some on chili? Just please say that all the time. So 30%. You're looking at 70% of the time, you're getting a shitty blow job, man. That's 70% of life, but it's basically not worth living.

Man, you find a partner that you're with for a long time who gives great blow jobs, and you've got it made, man. You're golden. Yeah. But I'm not... Here's the thing.

I think the problem here is society because, especially the media. TV at large, entertainment, the entertainment industry has sold this two great myths. First of all, that guys want sex all the time. And second is, they want blowjobs all the time. Yeah, I'm in my 30s, man.

I don't want sex all the time. Yeah, and I mean, I do to an extent, but it's not with anyone, anywhere, any time. It's like, hey, when I'm ready, I'll let you know. Yeah, no, but there are definitely nights where I'm like, we could seriously just watch Game of Thrones, and I'd be totally happy. Yeah, that is a very 30s thing

that you just like. Yeah, no, I'm deep in it. Yeah. And then the other thing, the blowjob thing, which is, which is like we're always supposed to want and expect blow jobs. I'm okay with not getting them some, like, unless you want to. Again, it's, it's like, I'm not going to force my wiener in your mouth. But you could talk me into it. What? You specifically did? No, to a girl. I could talk a girl into it. No, but she could talk me into it. Yes, correct. I don't want, I don't want it necessarily. Right. But if you're looking for, if you're looking for something,

I think it really just comes down to, like, enthusiasm. You know, if it's something that you want to do, It's like, oh, does this turn you are? Absolutely, I want to help out with that. There's no moves. It's like professional wrestling. But then do you, I mean, of course, what do you think about guys who won't go down on women? Stupid, idiots. I think I could fall into that category sometimes.

Because different women will bring it out of you. I think I just, I've always enjoyed it. But I think if she's going down on you, you can't be one of those dudes who's like, yeah, I don't do that. Because then you're just as bad. Well, you don't have to say it. You just have to not do it. Dick, that's the same thing. And then they get in that headspace where they're like, well, can I ask him for that special favor?

Yeah, maybe it wasn't good enough. And they get thinking like, oh, next time it'll be better and I'll get it. No, man, I'm okay. I'm okay with either one. If they're down, I'm down. Because I'm down to chow. Yeah. I hate when people do the, I hate those like whenever, when we said, like, oh, you were, like, you did that really nice thing.

Like, you came out with me and my friends from high school. Like, you're going to get a blow job later. I hate when people use sex and just, like, reward or this treat. Ron, yes. Just fucking do it because it makes your partner feel good. Like, why do you have to like... Ron, I... Yeah, that is the ding of success.

I've been working on a thesis for about that specifically for a long time. It's something that... Yeah, it's something that is so pervasive in entertainment that sexes this reward, which is really perverse and disgusting. It's fucked up. Yeah. It's just... Just do it because it's the person you love. Yeah, it's not supposed to be a barter system.

If you're not into it, I'm not into it. Yeah. Yeah, and a story. Like, if you don't want to have sex with me, All right, peace out. Not like turning sex into a transaction, you know, to really, like, heighten the mood. Well, what do you, uh, yeah, what do you give me? What's, uh, what's for barter?

Mm-hmm. Stupid. Yeah. Uh, well, that's my problem. All right, Dick. Um, I get the worst, I remember the three worst blowjobs I've ever had. You want to hear those? Yeah, I kind of do.

I kind of want to hear a little bit more about the good one, too. What's, uh... What do you want to hear about the good one? Nobody wants to hear about good sex. They want to hear about the awful stuff. All right? Let's hear it. Wait, were they from the same person?

No. Woman? No. Did you just call Sean a woman? No, I'm saying he should not person. Were they from the same woman? No, no, I think person's correct. No. Was her name Jeremy?

No, no, it was not. Alex? No, one was about, one was about two pumps in. And she says to me, is it good? A lot of guys say that I'm, I give the best blowjobs they've ever had. I hate that. I hate that. Like, first of all, you know what?

If you give the best, you don't have to say that if you do. Yeah. You'll know. The proof is into chili, you know? Yeah. Gross. Yeah. So, uh, I had to, I had to end it.

I never trust any girl who ever says I'm really good to blow jobs because I'm like, first off, if you were that good, you wouldn't need to say anything. Because you would already have your self-worth just from being, like, fucking awesome at it. You wouldn't need to, like, express it to anybody else. Same thing with guys saying like, oh, I'm great at going down on chicks. No, you aren't. If you don't ever talk about it, then you are. No, totally.

Let's see. The second one was a girl punished the... Well, she was trying to do like a sword in the stone thing, but in reverse. Jesus Christ. It sounds so painful. Yeah, it was very painful. How does that work? Well, instead of trying to pull the sword out of the stone, she was trying to cram the sword into the stone, if you catch my meaning.

Oh, my gosh. Just as hard as possible. Like, I'm sure this thing will fucking fit if I just hammer it a little more. That sounds awful. And I'll tell you the worst part. She loved it. So I had to adapt to this treatment again and again and again. Because what are you going to do?

Say no to that? Yeah. I'm not crazy. Poor guy. Yeah. And the worst one was this girl says, do you have a condom? And I just, I started laughing. I was like, for a blow chop?

No. No. Never mind. We're done. Condum's a blowjob. They're stupid. Unless you got bumps on your dick. I got one more stat.

23% of men refuse to date women who will not give them blow jobs. That should be 100%. That's a huge problem. Now, that's what I thought too. But we've got four guys here in this room. Ron, are you a yes or no? You agree or disagree with that. Girl says no.

What do you say? Hit the road, sweetheart? Hit the road, Jacqueline? I don't know if I'd say hit the road. I would try and find, like, be like, why. Like, talk to me about it. So you're hooked right there. A Y is in.

That's a foot in the door. I want to hear. Those are sales questions. Those are buying questions. I mean, but there's my, I mean, she got some big old titties. I mean, there's other factors in the, you know what I mean. It's true. The women, I think the women of this episode are loving this, by the way.

Why, we're giving them good tips. According to the internet, this is what they search for. Yeah, a little dig tip. I think that if the woman is, uh, is abjectly opposed to it, then, I would say... Like if a blowjob killed her father? Well, I mean, there are exceptions. If a blowjob killed her father, I'd give her an exception.

But, you know, that would be... I'd have to hear the story, really, to judge. Yeah, if the chick's not into it, that's a different story. But if she just absolutely refuses out of principle, I'd say, okay, see ya, you're not interested in... I mean, you're not open-minded at some point. What if she doesn't tell you and just never does it? I don't know.

But it's also like a blowjob isn't a crazy thing. No. Like if a girl's like, I don't like anal It's like oh Yeah I can't get that like Okay fine I understand

It's not comfortable For you and enjoy it And then you spend the rest of your life Just trying to persuade her To open up that beehole Yeah It's fun Yeah

Come on it's my birthday John You're the last one Yes or no I don't know what I'd say It's never happened to me Oh Oh

I'm serious Cool John Fuck on Yeah I don't know Cool Sean Well then thanks guys what about the hypothetical Sean if a girl was refusing at the

outset if a girl walked in here right now with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face and she said I don't suck dick I mean I'd probably look for somebody else all right okay fair enough and how about you dick what's your final yeah of course god yes okay sorry uh sorry Ron you you heard the guy getting a lemon oh that's right yeah all right uh Ron thank you for being our guest this week and we should mention your website's heyron.com which we'll plug in at the end but it's a really fun of yours a sketch that you just put up there. Yeah.

That I'm in. You're in. I have a cameo. I haven't even seen it, and I asked not to see it until after this episode. Yeah. That's good. Okay. So why did you put him in a sketch?

Because I needed someone, and I texted him, and he was like, yeah, I'm down. And so I was like, sweet, let's do it. How would you grade his acting? Is it better than his economizing? Much better. Okay. Astoundingly better. Fuck you guys.

I'm so, okay, you know what? Let's skip Ron. Let's go to my problem. Ron, what do you got this week? All right, my problem is automatic dispensers and airport bathrooms. It was very specific. Yeah, you know, the hand and the soap, and honestly, even the toilets. So automatic sensors, right?

Yeah, automatic sensors, basically. Okay. Remember when airports started, like, getting these motion-controlled faucets? Yeah. Do you remember the first time you saw that? Like, I had, I remember seeing that, I had such high hopes for the future. I thought it was cool. Yeah, I remember I was like, oh, my God, finally.

like this is it like the future is now and I you know I was like okay just a few more years we'll have the flying cars and like the hoverboards space ice cream will be everywhere It's a little cockties of the future And it was just great and I remember it was a little bit weird You know they didn't quite work but I was like you know what that's okay Because it's a new technology and I understand that when new technology happens

It's a bit wonky it takes a couple years to iron out iron that out I'm not ridiculous I understand that it's not perfect it's fine But it's been 10 years and it's still wonky. All right. Kinks abound. Every time you try and use an automatic dispenser, it's like when four cars pull up at the same time to an intersection. You just don't know who to go.

And there's this hemming and hawing, and there's wasting of water during an epic drought, you know. And also, this is like, they're pitching us the idea of self-driving cars and the hyperloop and the Oculus Rift and robot limbs and all these things where we're giving robots, like control over vast parts of our lives and a lot of people are nervous about this

and rightly so because they can't get fucking automatic soap dispensers right in airport bathrooms I mean if your kid can't make toast you're not going to let them make breakfast all right in this scene like the automatic soap dispensers like well I guess the hyperloop would be like the bacon and the dispensers would be like not even like the toast it'd be the napkin

that you used to wipe your face you know and they just if they can't get that right I don't trust them with anything else. There's no possible way. Yeah. I wouldn't let a kid make me breakfast, but I'd make him. So it's a very subtle distinction there. So you would order him to make you breakfast?

Yeah. Unless he wanted to, in which case I'd say no. It's a control thing. Yeah. Just like blowjabs. No. No. I only want a girl from a blowjob who doesn't want to do it.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Now that they're 10 years old, too, all of its fallen. into disrepair. Like you go to use the soap things, you put your hand into there, it does nothing, you assume it's broken, you take your hand away, it shoots out a bunch of pink goo, and you look on the floor and there's

like a swamp of pink goo. It's supposed to make things every efficient, like my mind was blown when I saw that one part from Garden State when Zach Braff walked by all the faucets and they all go off as he's walking by. And in my head, I was like, well, we got to fix that because that's just

a huge waste of water. And we and we still haven't quite fixed it. And I don't understand how we can shoot thousands of satellites into space and we can't get like one of those teams to like crack this code on their lunch break to finally make like a decent sensor so that this shit just works. Yeah. The toilets don't work. The soap doesn't work. The hand thing when you wave your hand in front of the paper towel dispenser. You know what the worst fucking thing about that is? It only, it shoots out like a third of a serving. Then it shoots out like a three of those, like a whole serving, and you

still need one more to dry your hands properly. So you do it again, and then it's so we've turned going to the bathroom into this like, kind of a stressful experience. Yeah. Like it should be this part where you're going, you relieve yourself, you have a moment of calm, you're already in an airport, so you're already kind of heightened.

And nothing they're doing, and it doesn't even help them because they're like, oh, it makes things like more messy. You get soap everywhere. You get soap everywhere. The toilets are always going off. It's just like, how the fuck haven't we fixed this yet? You know, the flip side of that is sometimes you take a real nasty growler in the airport toilet, and it's like kind of, you know, it's one of those like event horizon breakers where it's like coming out past the water.

You know what I'm talking about? And for some reason or the other, the fucking sensor doesn't detect. And you get up and you look around desperately for, and it's eliminated courtesy flushes. I've been in toilets had like massive diarrhea where it's just like just coating the bowl in yellow slime. Yellow. I've heard. Specific color I chose yellow

I turn around Looking for the flush Something desperately To help out my fellow man Of all the courteous things You can do in life The courtesy flesh is number one And I'm looking

Desperately I'm feeling around For buttons or anything Like pushing things And squeezing things And undoing the fucking toilet seat Desperately I'm like I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry My shit stinks so bad I ate something wrong I'm in an airport What do you want me to do And I'm just sitting there Sweating

Just sweating cold sweat You always have to search for the button, too. There's always a button how they hide it. And you've got to search for it. It turns me fucking crazy. You know what? I'm wondering this is kind of like tangential to a conspiracy dipshit problem. It's top 10 on the list right now, by the way. I believe, or

top 20. Anyway, those sensors are essentially cameras. They're infrared cameras. Really? Yes. And I don't know why conspiracy dipshits haven't glommed onto this one, because essentially anyone, someone could tap into that network of cameras and see everyone's junk everywhere.

No, they're lasers and photo receptors. They're not cameras. They're infrared. They're not CCD cameras, though. They're probably just like a photo cell. But they're infrared. They work by comparing two scans of the same image within a certain... I don't think you're right about that. Yeah. I don't think it's an, I don't think it has a LCD chip in it. Like it's just a, you have you seen a photo resistor? Yeah. Like a little wafer that just tells you, it changes its resistance whether you cover it or not, where it's dark or not. Oh, so if the signal's broken, that's when it, that's when it gets dark. Yeah, when it gets dark, the resistance drives and it flushes.

That's why if you lean forward in... They didn't equip toilets with video cameras. Well, I guess... But they could. It's pretty simple. It's not a stretch of the imagination that, you know, it is a conspiracy dipshit thing, but they could put actual photo cameras in those.

They're made in China. I don't know. China doesn't see a bunch of buttholes. Yeah. I guess you have to put the camera inside the toilet, so, no, I may probably... It really frustrates me that technology has made our lives so much worse.

In this specific way. What I get super pissed off is, like, you know, when they bring on a... new phone and they're like, oh, it can do this, it can do that? And I'm like, can you just make the shit work on my old phone? Like, stop introducing new bells and whistles. Just make the things we already have

work. Ron. Then I'd be happy. What kind of fun to use, Ron? Shut the fuck up, Maddo. Ah, Ron uses an iPhone, and he's kind of upset because the new iOS always makes your old iPhone kind of crippled, doesn't it? Kind of like a reason to go out and buy the new iPhone, the new model, because the new

OS keeps adding layers of complexity that they don't need to overhead in RAM and CPU usage. So it cripples every last generation of phone. Try running the iPhone 4S right now with the modern operating system. You fucking can't. You're completely right. Well, he's completely right, but this is also a man whose phone is so unreliable that we can no longer text. We have to email important things because text might or might not come through on his phone. Is that, Maddox, is that a true statement or not?

Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah. It is absolutely true. I fucking hate my phone right now. Yeah. Dude, I just want to get a box of flip phones and then just walk around town, like, and just stand outside of subway stations and just be like, go now. And then break the phone and then throw it in the garbage and run onto the subway just to freak

people out just because I feel like that's what you always see people like break a phone and throw it away. Like Walter White. Yeah. Just want to break flip phones all that time. All right. Ron, good problem. I will say this, though, in defense of automatic motion sense,

The one technology I've seen that works really well, and I fucking love it, is at airports, some modern ones, especially like in Tokyo and Hong Kong, they have these toilet seats with plastic wrapped all the way around the seat. What? That's so cool. And you sit down on it, and it senses, I think it senses your weight differential. And so when you get up, it automatically slides the plastic around the seat, so you never have to touch it or change it. What? First of all, I guess what I should amend my problem to say, this is strictly an American thing, because I have taken some of the... the most glorious dumps of my life in Japan where you poop in like a closet like it's like a room

and there was like this like almost like this little it was like a bidet and then like you had all these buttons on it I mean it was incredibly complex for a toilet and you just got I mean it was awesome it was the most comforting and like relaxing thing where like you know American like well you have that because I think they wanted so people don't do drugs but they have those doors with that half inch gap where someone can just peek in that's why it's because of drugs that's why that's why it's because of drugs what someone told me is like, oh, so, because people don't do drugs in the bathroom. And I'm like, I hope it's not that, I hope it's

because of its precision. No, it makes no sense. We make cars. Like, we can't, how, what is it precision? Like, we can't put two doors together. Like, we haven't figured that out of the bathroom door making factory. It could be for any, it makes no sense. Yeah, it could be for any number of reasons.

Like people having sex in the bathroom, homeless people shooting up, yeah, well, I guess that is not. I think it's because they don't want you to have that level of privacy, which I hate. Why are we proud of ourselves in America at all? Why do we walk around pretending to be tough men when we have no regard for our own bathrooms? This is a travesty. It's really, isn't it?

It's disgusting. How many times have you taken a piss next to someone where there's not even like a little, you know how there's a little wall usually between urinals, but then a lot of bathrooms just won't have that? And I'm like, why do people think that I want to pee like with a bunch of other dudes all the time? Like, I want my own little space to pee. How much would it cost? It doesn't cost anything. What about the troughs?

The troughs are awful. What about the troughs? I actually love troughs. I like getting guys in a little sword fight. Actually, the only time I like troughs is when it's like one of those like downtown LA 1930 bathrooms because I feel like I'm peeing in a time machine. I kind of like that. It's like how my dad peed. You know what I mean?

Yeah. What do you get in a sword fight with other dudes? Yeah, like, hey dude, sword fight. You kind of throw a lure out. And who are you gay? It's not different because she's saying it. That's basically you saying that. Yeah, I mean, it's gay.

I'll say it. It's pretty gay. Actually, it is the definition of kind of gay. I mean, if you want to touch your penis to other men. Like literally gay. No, not your penis. Your P-streams. Like lightsabers.

Yeah, but you know, like, you have to keep your P-stream going. Or whosoever P-stream wilt's first. They have less power than you. That's the definite, duh. That's a sword fight. Everyone knows that. You dip shit. And then sometimes you make the sounds,

while you're doing it. Yeah, well, that's a pissing contest for real. Yeah. My friends and I actually used to have pissing contests in grade school. We'd walk home and we'd climb up my neighbor's tree on the way home because he had a very climable tree. And we'd get on the farthest branch out. Climbable tree, bro. Nice.

It was very climbable. We'd get up in the furthest branch that was near the street and we'd see who could pee further. And, yeah, it was just a piss contest. We used to do that where we would start peeing in grade school and we'd start taking steps back from the urinal to see who could get the furthest part. Yeah, and then you piss all over the bathroom And you never even thought it was bad as a kid Now you're like, what did I do that? You're like some poor guy and he's like 30s and 40s

There's like these fucking kids You ever peep? You know the best was when you were like at camp or something Or on a hike and you just I mean it's so my favorite thing to do is just to pee from high up Yes That's the best Yes

You peeing from the highest up place ever So that it splatters into a mist Before it even hits the ground Yeah, it just evaporates Throwing your own ashes off of the cliff My dad, we went to the Grand Canyon and there's this part that's kind of like roped off away from tourists because it's this really, really thin walkway

that's on this tiny little ledge all the way out in the like the, it's a decent amount into the canyon. And my dad, my mom's screaming at him saying, don't do it, don't do it. My dad's like, ah, shut up, and he climbs over the fence and he's walking down this tiny little walkway. At some point he had to put one foot in front of the other to get to the end of this thing.

And as soon as he got out to the very end, he just took his dick out and took a leak. fucking awesome I was so proud of my dad I was like that's kind of be like oh what's the coolest thing my dad has ever done

you got your story locked and loaded there's a bunch buddy all right let's get to the real biggest problem in the universe can I say something first yeah

I got so much hate mail I got more hate mail for our last episode than any other people saying how the economy problem was so boring that they couldn't take it

they're like I'm ready to shut the episode off yeah because it's too there's too much debate and people Too many figures and blah, blah, blah. Okay, you guys have gotten an episode with blowjobs and pissing on stuff.

Are you happy now? Yeah. Well, then let me apologize in advance for my problem, my next problem that I'm going to bring in, because I hope it's not too close to economists. Oh, God. But it's psychics. Yeah. Go to hell and stay there.

Don't put the real one in. That's the button. Whatever. I don't give a shit. Economists. I can't remember the last time I've seen a psychic. store. Are there... How rare is this... They're all over in L.A.

They're all over. There's probably like three on the street right now. And they're open 24 hours, too. These fucking psychic shops, they're always trying to hustle you in. Psychics... You mean psychics? You didn't have economy in there for real, did you? I did put in economists. Yeah, but is it... Psychics or economists? Psychics is my problem.

Okay. But it's a very fine line between psychics and economists. Oh, fuck off. All right. So economists are the psychics of the mathematical world. And psychics are the economists of the spiritual world. Uh-huh.

They're people who think they have an extrasensory perception, right? ESP. To be specific, the ability to perceive information not gained through physical senses. So it violates the principles of basic science, like the ability for the past to transmit information to the present. That's a thing. Oh, and you can do goofy shit like the psychic ability to smell. Did you know this, guys? No. No.

Yeah, until I started looking into it, I didn't realize how goofy old the psychic shit was, but there's a psychic version of every normal sense that we have. So you could like know what you're going to smell like in the future? Yeah, I mean, I feel something brewing right now in my stomach. You guys are going to smell something in the future. I went through the list of all the different kind of psychic senses. This one's called ClareSantience. And I started, just for fun, I added the word or penis at the end of these descriptions.

But feeling or touching with the mind, is Claire sentience. So you can feel someone's soul or a penis. That's, yeah, the Claire sentience. And then there's Claire audience hearing with a mind, which is actually how you hear. And what they mean is usually to talk to the dead or talk to paranormal spirits

or to hear their voices or penises. Yeah, funny, a little joke. And then there's Claire, I think it's Claire aliens. Claire aliens. The ability is to smell psychically. You can smell a really Smelly Ghost penis What's that one?

What do you smell for real, though? What do they say that you smell if you're a psychic? Oh, I smell strawberries. Yeah, I have no fucking idea. Oh, okay. You're going to the farmer's market tomorrow. I think it's a less common one, the Claire aliens.

And then there's Claire cognizance. It's knowing something psychically, primarily by means of intrinsic knowledge. The knowledge you get psychically, excuse me, the knowledge you get psychically has no physical explanation. by definition. So that's the one that we kind of think of when we think of psychic.

Yeah. Like I've never gone to a psychic and been like, so what am I going to smell in the future? Yeah. I got to know. I think that would throw them for the loop. And then the final one is Claire Gustin's. It's tasting psychically.

Yeah, that's the thing. People with the power of Claire Gustin's claim to be able to taste things without putting them in their mouths. I couldn't think of a penis joke there. But yeah, those are the six psychic versions of senses that we actually have. Yeah. Total bullshit. So there are these cards that were invented in like the 1930s.

They're called Zenner cards. And you've seen these. This were used in Ghostbusters. Remember the very first scene of Ghostbusters where they're testing the guy? What's a? Vinkman. Yeah, Vinkman's testing the guy. The symbols on the cards are circles, square, wavy lines, cross.

and star. And five cards are in a pack of 25. So this botanist from Duke University became interested in testing psychics. So he created Zenner cards to test them. He didn't want to be associated with seances and hauntings. So he coined the term parapsychology. This was the guy. And so they started doing...

Oh, there's a real parapsychologist? Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, he coined that term because he started... He was the first one to really start testing these cooks and say it, okay. Well, let's do a somewhat scientific approach to this, like, weirdo bullshit. Yeah. What's the problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is, Dick. It's a real problem. Have you ever known someone who seriously relies on psychics? Bro, I don't know how seriously you want. Whenever he starts a sentence of, bro. I just know I'm going to get some knowledge dropped on me. Go on, bro. Listen, bro.

I think more people than you... I think you'd be surprised at the number of people you know who slightly rely on psychics. Yeah. Like, the number of people... who just kind of buy into it a little bit, the kind of people who, like, do it to make themselves feel better a little bit every once in a while.

Yeah. Well, to me, it was that thing you did, like, when you went down to the Jersey Shore, and you'd be like, I mean, whatever, let's just try it. And, like, it's that thing you'd do, like, once in eighth grade, and you're like, it's just bullshit. But then she says something to you, like,

you're going to marry a woman named Jamie. And then every Jamie you meet, you're like, maybe this is the one. Like, there's always that gnawing sense. It doesn't do you any good. Like, all it does. is just give you a voice in your head. It's fun, though.

It is fun. It is fun. Okay, it's fun. Fine, fine, fine. You want to call it fun, so are drugs until it becomes a problem. Okay, yeah. I know so many friends addicted to psychics.

Yeah, give me 40 bucks, man. I gotta know I'm gonna smell next to tell me what I'm gonna do next. I'll suck your dick to tell me the next time. I'm gonna suck your dick. It's right now. I'll tell you when it becomes a problem is when you have people who become desperate, they're in desperate places in their lives, and they turn to psychics for help.

They ask psychics what they should do with their lives. And the psychics, who are basically just pulling shit out of their asses, are guiding these people into making really bad decisions sometimes. I've known people who have moved cross-country based on the advice of a psychic. I've known people who have gone into really shitty relationships and stayed in them for years, abusive relationships, because of the advice of a psychic. I'm sure they were wrecking an amazing life.

someone who would take advice from a psychic. By the way, I would love for you to just replace God with psychic and everything that you're saying? Because isn't that the same thing? No. People go to priests for advice, they seek counsel from some kind of spiritual authority, and those people are just pulling shit out of their ass too.

No, but priests and rabbis, when you go to them and confess, they don't tell you, here's what you should do to fix your life. They tell you, go say 10 hell marries and have a nice day. And fork over the cash. No, that's, no. Have you ever been to a church? That's not what they do. They charge for weddings. Oh, sure they do.

That's a fucking scam. All right. Anyway, so psychics, psychics do cause real harm to people. Like I said, I've known people who've gone into really shitty relationships and gotten out of great ones and gotten, you know, moved across country based on the advice of a psychic. And what they do a lot of times is they take, they rope you in for a lot of money. So I went through a list of some of the famous psychics throughout history. In 1877, there's this guy named Edgar. Casey. People were skeptical

of his ability to do psychic healings. He was called a fraud. And he was kind of upset because he said that his work in psychics in psychic spirituality was taking away the attention from his work in psychic healing. Oh, yeah. He was upset about that. In 1911, there's a guy

named Peter Hercos. He failed to predict accurately the date of his own death. Although he prophesized that he would die on the 17th of November in 1961. He did not die until June 1st, 1988. You know what pisses me off is the guy who, um,

the one who, uh, forecasted the end of the world. And he got all those, the, no, the dude from a couple years ago. He was recent. He always, he got all those people to spend the retirement money on billboards and then it didn't happen and he was like, oh, I, I, I fucked up the math. It's gonna happen. Like, yeah. And there's

no, my problem with that is, there's never any repercussions. Like, you could just say the end of the world's come in and all these people spend their savings and then it doesn't happen and then you're like, all right, oops. Well, that's the second time that guy predicted it. Exactly, yeah.

If you do something that big, I think, and it doesn't happen, we should like, I don't know, take a finger. Like something, like, we all get a finger. Like, then we share it, but like, just something so that people don't do that stuff lightly. So that's the thing, you could make the wrong, psychics, I guess, could make the wrong call

and what's going to happen if they're wrong? Yeah. You know, you're just like, man. They're just a bunch of charlatans who will take you for what you're worth. They'll bring you in. They'll give you this prediction. I've had, there are phone psychics, and there actually, there was this girl on YouTube who started out way long time ago, and she got really popular and, like, lost her fucking mind, or maybe it was gone always to begin with, but she was this girl, uh, I forget her name is like Kaylee, Kylie, whatever, she gave sex advice,

and her whole gimmick was she had these thigh-high rainbow socks that she wore, and she would just sit there kicking her legs back and forth. Oh, good Lord. So erotically. And, and, and, and, and, And she just kind of like played it off. Like, oh, I'm just, I don't know what you guys like about this, blah, blah, blah. But she was giving sex advice. Everyone's all horned up. And just like, everyone's just like dittling their bean and rubbing one off while they're watching this chick, right? Okay.

Then she got into like some weird high school drama bullshit in YouTube comments with YouTubers calling her mean, whatever. She like lost her fucking mind, moved cross country, like married someone. Like, all this like crazy shit. This is, by the way, this isn't my account or my accusations is what I read. So your crazy shit is someone who moved and married? No, no, no. I'm not, yeah, I mean, that is crazy, but here's, here's where it gets, like, crazy.

She's, she's, she's, she's, she's tried to start making money by doing psychic healings remotely, remote psychic healings. And, uh, and so people were, well, sending her money and she'd say, for one hour, it costs $135 or whatever. I'm, I'm like, I'm paraphrasing here. You think about it. Like, remote psychic healing, buck 35, probably write that off in your taxes. Yeah. And, and, uh, the sad thing is, like, people were paying this, this woman for this remote psychic healing. And where it becomes a problem, Dick, specifically this, is if they, and religion can be a problem, too, in this very same sense, is if they, if they turn to psychic healing or prayer in lieu of actual medicine, that's when it becomes a problem. There are people who will go towards this alternate medicine before, like, it's not even medicine, let's just call it what it is. Quackery.

Yeah, it's quackery. Yeah, scam. There is a woman, Sylvia Brown, she's one of the most famous. Angels. What's that? Is that her book? Yeah, no, she writes all about angels. Yeah. Yeah. How everyone on the planet has a whole planet full of angels just for them.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Cool. Oh, it's quite a world she lives. So I have a whole planet of angels just for me? Yeah. All right. They all look exactly like you.

No way. I don't know if that's how I'm adding to the, I don't know. That's not canon. Yeah. Well, she was convicted for fraud. Oh. She sold gold mining securities to a couple for $20,000. Convicted a fraud.

Why did she do that? She was making so much money with the books. I don't understand when people do you. I understand when people want to like, they steal from Walmart or Target or Best Buy. I get that, you know? I get, because it's kind of like this faceless corporation. Yeah. When you're doing something where it's like there's a person, you're looking at them and you're just directly fucking them over.

Like I don't get how people can do that. That to me is like... I think that part of her thinks she's telling that she's actually psychic. She believes it. Or either she's brainwashed herself into thinking it. Or maybe she really does. Because, like, imagine that there's so much. many people who are ready to buy it,

some of them have just got to turn it on and say, like, you know what? I actually am psychic. Like, if they make enough predictions. Anyone who's going to a psychic is obviously, like, searching for something. Like, they feel... They're unhappy. They're looking for some kind of guidance. Yeah. You know, they're trying to fill some... Something

inside themselves that's, like, empty. Or for me, it was, like, kind of that momentary, like, fun. You know, like, yeah, this fucking weird thing, let's do it. But there are people who, uh, I mean, I remember that? Remember Miss Cleo? Yeah. call me now like that she got screwed over in that whole deal I think yeah she was running she was running it for a big company that would run these psychics like telemarketers Harris I believe yeah is the name of the company do you have it on your list yeah oh go ahead like well she my understanding was that they would run these psychics like if they took if they didn't get enough money out of somebody they'd get reprimanded for that like they'd have all these metrics they had to hit yeah and they develop relationships I just remember in college all my friends and I would be like call me now like we just never got tired of doing that

Yeah, she was active in 1997 mostly when Miss Cleo, the FTC charged her with deceptive advertising, billing, and collection practices. Yeah, they're all kind of, they're all charlatans. Here's the thing, though. You know, Ron, you mentioned stealing from a big company like Walmart, Best Buy, whatever, big faceless corporation makes billions in profits. What I really despise about psychics, though, is that they often prey on the weak and vulnerable people who are depressed and broken and sad and dispirited. and they turn to these psychics, and rather than these psychics coming clean and saying, look, it's really simple to prove that everything we're saying is horseshit and we're, we can't help you.

They give them false hope and tell them, give them bad advice a lot of times. Like, at least if a psychic had a degree in clinical psychology and at least advised them towards a direction that a clinical psychologist would, based on whatever, you know, qualifications that they have, at least then they could do something. That should be something. a parapsychologist. You know, you're... Go ahead.

Well, listen, bro. I feel like these same sad and depressed people occasionally have to travel. And when they do travel, they use bathrooms. And those bathrooms are filled with sensors that aren't optimized. And so it's just a thing, a psychic they may go to, like, I mean, really, how, let's talk about numbers here.

Like, how many people really are going to this level you know, and those people who go to psychics, if it's not psychics, it's going to be something else. They're going to find something to go crazy over. Because deep side, they're broken. But soap dispensers are something that we all deal with. Men and women. It's a good point.

Because bad blow jobs are only something that men deal with. Well, let me stop you right there. What's up, bro? First of all, women have to deal. Bro, women have to deal with bad blow jobs too, because they're the ones giving them. They're feeling bad for doing it. And you can buy...

Wait, what? They feel bad. They feel bad for giving a bad blowjob. But they don't know they're giving a bad blowjob because you can't tell them they're giving a bad blowjob. Then you won't get any blowjob. They feel it, though. Yeah, they feel it with an emptiness in their mouth. Yeah.

And that emptiness they're missing is some chilly. We can fix the automatic hand dryer stuff. Let's just ask Japan. We can fix that with money. But we can't fix bad blow jobs with money. Do you hear what John said? He said he can't fake a boner. It's true.

Yeah, that is true. Bro's, listen. Ron, before the show, you mentioned how much... Is that a bro? Can we just start saying brother? Like Hollywood Hulk Hogan? Yeah, listen, brother. Brother!

Before the show, you mentioned how much you like, specifically, automatic hand dryers. Oh, yeah, I'm not a big fan of, like, deforestation, just not my bag, but if you guys are cool with it, I mean, we can talk about it? I love deforestation. Is that what you're talking? Oh, you mean automatic handdriers?

Yeah, I love automatic hand dryers. Okay, I brought that in as a problem, Ron, and you seem to be under the impression that automatic hand dryers are more sanitary than paper towels. Oh, are you going to go with the whole, the fact that the air is full of, microbes and they get blown onto the hands? Is that where you're going?

Yes. Yeah, the fact. So you don't know, like, the new handdrivers with the level of microfibrethers they have that actually clean the air to 99.9%. Or are you using the old-ass hand dryers? Are you talking about the dice and blade? Is that what you're talking about?

The one where you dip your hands in and secretly, I just want to put my penis in it? You have to play fucking operation and not touch the sides because other people's disgusting hands. Oh, yeah, well, I'm like a human man who can control my body, so I don't have this, like, weird fucking, like, I don't know why you're thinking of, is this game of operation that you just can't handle.

I'll play operation with you right now, buddy. I bet you'll hit the sides left and right. Yeah, because it's a game of operation. I'm talking about a hand dryer that has, like, a chasm of space for you to dip your hands and quite possibly your penis if no one's looking. Ron, if you're putting your... First of all, you have to do that stupid, like fucking Frankenstein, like you're a coat hanger, a human fucking co-hanger. I like to pretend like I'm getting ready for surgery and then I put my hands in and then I take them out. That's exactly what it's like, like operation, that kind of surgery.

And you're putting your hands down this like filthy trough. Guess what? Filthy trough, you're not touching anything. You think that. But those dripping- I know that. I'm not touching anything. I'm not like this ghost.

I'm fucking putting your hands in. When those fucking hand, those air blades are blowing. What they're doing is they're creating like a circular vortex that's going down inside that oval shape that they have. And those drippings that fall from your hand sit there collecting moist, warm. You got them on the ropes. She starts using big words when you got them on the robes. What was the big word?

Circular boy attacks here. Here's the thing. Every guy who gets into this thing, like, right now, I'm going to take a look at your bookcase right now, okay? I want you to wash my finger. Look at all this fucking dust. That just, I could write my name in your bookshelf.

And you're talking to me about germs and microbes. I'm not trying to me about chili sheets. Look at what? Look at this. Look at this. I'm not drying my hand in this fucking room. It's just fucking dust. You're just living in it.

Ron, Ron has the neatest, tidiest apartment I've ever seen my life. It's called having your shit together. OCD is just an other way of saying. It's a fucking CD. Yeah, it's a get shit done disease. That's true. Do you want to, this is a project, I can cut this out if you're not ready to talk about it, but you were going to say that you were going to start doing the podcast, right?

Oh, yeah, I am. I'm going to start one. You want to mention this on this episode? Or do you want to hold off? No, I should probably start it first. Okay, all right. Because I'm not going to, but I'm starting a couple months. But it's going to be shit like, I just hate the whole people don't ought to do stuff.

Yeah. Okay, we'll cut right after that. Okay, guys, so that's my problem. Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. So what's, well, you know, I have trouble just accepting this as a problem because I see it is a lot of people just having fun and looking for guidance. And that's it. Like, needing a boost in their lives.

And they just, they have to pay some pittance together. I get that every once in a while people run up enormous credit card debts on it or maybe they take the wrong advice. I think most time psychies just tell you what you want to hear. Yeah. It's like going to a

psychologist. It's like going to a really good friend. Yeah. So you have to pay for. Okay, well, that's why I don't ask friends of mine who are really close to me or like me for honest opinions on. I have a group of friends. I have people who I use as a barometer. And Dick, you're one of them.

Oh, great. I know every time I ask these group of friends, they have a consistent style of response to me. For example, I have this friend who... Dix is, listen, bro. Bro. I have a friend who specifically hates everything I do. Really? And depending on the degree of hate, like, if he absolutely hates it, like, it goes as low as

14, like, negative 14 on the scale for him. And he hates, like, pretty much everything I do. And if he doesn't absolutely hate it, the negative 14 level... That's interesting. Yeah. You know you got something kind of good? I know I got something kind of good. Oh, okay.

Why 14? Where did that number come from? Because I thought he hated something of mine a lot one day, and that was like, well, that's a 10. And then he hated something even more than that, so I said, I got to lower the scale. What did he hate even more? What was the thing he hated the most? Oh, man.

You got to remember what he hated the most. That's, I want to know what this guy hates. He hates so much that I do. So, anyway, I forgot. It'll come to me. And then I have another friend who is kind of ambivalent towards. my stuff. So based on his response, on his little degree, it's like between one

and three, and I go into decimals with him. Dick, I bet that's Roger. No, it's not Roger. Roger Barr. Roger Barr is very honest and gives it to you straight. I do like that guy. He gives a good advice. So he's like a zero to ten? He's a zero to ten, yeah. Oh, wow.

You, Dick, you give, when it comes to criticizing my stuff, you give really good advice sometimes. However, when it comes to life advice, I know to do the opposite of what you tell me every single time because your advice always tends towards chaos. The most chaos. You always suggest, because I know what you're thinking.

Right before I send off an email, I'll have a friend in the room. I say, okay, well, I'm going to ask Dick what his opinion is, and I bet he's going to respond this way. I'll send it off within minutes you'll write back like, yeah, do it. And I don't think he told me that because he thinks it's fun and he just likes to see there and watch the world burn. Well, that's part of it. I can't responsibly say that that isn't it.

But here's my philosophy on that. You've already experienced what you're experiencing. So why not just totally mess it up? Then you get something totally new. I mean, aren't you like... Oh, my God, that just... I got it. I got what this is.

That's Dick. That's the way he thinks. You've already experienced what you're experiencing. So why don't you just mess it up? Yeah, just totally change it. Then you get to see all new things. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, no, I know.

It's like a snow globe. Life is like a snow globe, except every time you shake it, it might turn into something totally different. Dick, you are... Like a rabid weasel. When it comes to this philosophy, you are so consistent that I can use you as a barometer. Do you know, if you were a psychic, you would be the worst psychic ever. It's like a snow globe, man. Just shake that fuck her up.

Who knows what could come up? That'll be $65. No, I guess this hits me personally, the psychic problem because I know a lot of people who are really depressed. No. Well, I've been to one. with a friend. Oh, no, I did. I did go to a site because I went, I snuck into this fucking bullshit-ass party for Halloween. Tickets were like $80. I thought, there's no fucking way I'm paying $80 for anything. No, it wasn't. It was like some downtown fucking warehouse. I

snuck into this party and, uh, and I was bored to tears. There's nothing going on in this bullshit-ass party except for a bunch of fatties. It was like, kind of like a rent fare, but around Halloween. So it's just a bunch of fatties trying to like hook up with each other. So, um, I, I snuck in and I was bored and there was this line for, to talk to a psychic. So I sat down and talk to this chick and she told me a bunch of bullshit and she was really inexperienced and I started quizzing her on stuff and I gave her the

wrong information to see if she would correct me or say no you're actually this this sign or this whatever. Well of course not. No. She's not She's a psychic. Why would you do that? She's not a psychic? No, she's of course she's not a psychic. Maddox? None of

them are psychics. It's a game that they play. They want to like have a little fun conversation with you Why would you test her on something you know she's not? Yeah, I don't know. I was just, I was bored. So, um, I, because, you know, I want to take a little bit of a scientific approach towards psychics.

That's why, Dick. Why is that so fucking funny? It's just so funny that you would go to a psychic, whom you know is a complete fraud. You know that, right? And you would engage with her by giving her false information and then you get off on watching her humiliate herself by giving you predictions based off the false information. Yeah. think that's funny? Well, Dick, I

still want to test my beliefs, even though I do believe that, and I have no evidence to believe in psychics. Occasionally, I still want to test it. I want to test it. Why not? How much do you not believe in psychics? 100%. Yeah. What about, like, what about all that

astrology stuff? Oh, absolutely. Horoscopes. One other thing, there's a study, or it wasn't a study, it was a test, I think a psychologist did in a class a long time ago, I think in the 50s or 60s. He handed out, I think, horoscopes for everyone in class

and told them that they were for whatever sign they were, whatever Zodiac sign. He said that he asked the class how accurate they thought their reading was, and the majority of the class, I think something like 80, 90% said it was very accurate that it specifically described them. And then he revealed to the class that he gave everyone the exact same reading.

No. Oh. Yeah. Shaddle over it. Anyway, it's a bunch of horseshit. Psychics. That's my problem. Psychics slash Economist, same thing. So that's my problem. What do you got this week? Bad blow jobs. Bad blow jobs. And Ron. Automatic dispensers and airport bathrooms. And check out the sketch that Ron just posted on Heyron.com. And you have an Instagram too, right? Yeah, at Hey Ron.

At Hey Ron. Check out Ron's Instagram. Post some steamy pictures on there. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget tune in next week. We got a lot of exciting stuff coming up. See you next Tuesday. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Yeah. Hey, yo, Maddox.

What's up, man? This is Brad. I'm an editor over at The Economist. We're over here working on an article on Alan Greenspan for our newspaper. Anyway, I was just calling to request permission to reference your podcast in our article. Your opinion that Alan Greenspan is a good economist because he's conservative. and he's cautious and he's conservative and nothing else. The revolutionary point is before his legacy.

Give me a call back. My number is 866. Oh. No, no. Shit. How are we going to give that guy permission? That wasn't a real number. He was going to say, no, it was only four digits long, so no, it definitely wasn't a real number.

You didn't cut that off? No. That fucker, he sounds just like the editor from Men's Health magazine. Sounds suspiciously like the same guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the guy at Men's Health magazine wanted to run a column about Maddox's leg day, which consisted of doing squats with either 50 or 100 pounds. And that's it.

Similar call. Similar framework to that call. We talked about leg day at the beginning of this episode before we started recording and how I don't know the names of the exercises, but that's irrelevant. Well, it's irrelevant because you don't do them and you can't describe them. Of course I do them. I can ride my bike longer than you. How can you can't ride a bike?

Let's be like a chef cooking without knowing the names of the ingredients. It's like saying to a chef like, how do you make popcorn? He's like, I don't know, I can ride. I can eat more popcorn than you. All right, well, calm down. It's like, how do you make popcorn? You just say, I don't know, I just put the bag in the microwave or I put the kernels on the soap. Like, what do you?

Okay. Is that a bag's a sand comment too? No. Do you want another shot at Leg Day? Do you want a redemption to tell us here about your leg day? I will never learn the names of those exercises because I don't care. You don't have to know the name. just describe them.

Okay, they're mostly just squats and lunges and crab walks and sumo, like, all these are a bunch of names. Okay, but I don't know the technical name. I'll tell you, like, the motion and what I do, but I don't know the technical name, and I'll never learn that. I think you looked those up after that podcast. No. And brought them into this one.

I think you, you, you, uh, shaped the conversation after that call so you could bring up these leg exercises that you looked up after the fact. I'm on to you. Uh-huh. I have a psychic feeling about this. I got one from Butte Sanchez, too. Okay. Hey, guys, it's Bud Sanchez.

I just heard what happened. And, like, if you want somebody to blame, it's completely my fault. Oh, man. I'm really fucking sorry, dude. I thought it would be fine, but apparently, no, it's not the case. And it's completely my fault, dude. I'm so sorry, guys. Oh, my gosh.

I would try to do something cool in the future, and this time we're going to wrap it up right, I guess. That's so sincere. But, listen, but, man, you went way overboard with this gift to begin with. You didn't have to do any of that. You don't need to apologize for delivering us a gift that you weren't obligated to deliver. Thank you for even sending it. And as Dick mentioned in the last episode, it turned out way better.

then had those bottles arrived intact. Kind of was a happy accident. Yeah. You could say that it's the broken fallacy, the broken window fallacy in reverse. Oh, God. I really still coasting on that whole broken window fallacy. Let's get to the real biggest problem.

All right. In the universe. What is this week at least? Armchair economists. I'm not an armchair economist. Go ahead. Yeah. Because I'm not making economic theory.

Every time an earthquake strikes, go look at the stocks. Go look at the stock prices of companies that produce lumber that produce housing materials, they skyrocket. That stimulates the economy. It does. That stimulates the economy.

That stimulates the economy. I hate this song. Go fuck yourself. Then stimulates the economy. Go fuck yourself. I took classes in economics. How many? One.

One. Idiot. I'm not making economic theory. The entire field of economics is one big gambler fallacy. And only occasionally does anyone get it right. Fucking idiots. It's like wine tasting, but with mathematical models that sometimes occasionally get it right.

Economists largely agree that World War II stimulated the economy and got us out of the recession. Economists are full of shit. One. Yeah, but it's not like that money was just sitting around waiting for us to spend. That's just money that actually, you can make the case that earthquakes are a good thing.

Yep. Please utilize yourself. And I'll tell you who the armchair economists are. I'm an armchair economist. Spam, that was a sick beat. Yeah, good song. I love that song. That song is, I'm going to listen to that song.

I'm going to say that as my ringtone. I don't know how anyone could ever dance to that. That was like a slow motion. You can only walk to that. You'd have to be an elephant. Yeah. Yeah, well, sorry, Dickhead. Go look up that 1976 Chinese earthquake.

Oh, stop! Stop with the fucking economy! You don't know what you're talking about! A doctor told you you don't know. what you're talking about. That's it. That's the end game. He's not a doctor. Only if God came down and said you're wrong. Is it any higher than a PhD of economics? I just want a recent PhD. Are you saying that's good or bad? He's a recent PhD. You know what I mean? He said recent PhD. He's a professor.

But that perched my ear. He's like recent PhD. He's a rookie. He's a new guy on the first. That was you punching right on the tip of my cock while I got it. I just like to I like to punch on both sides. And I cited two PhDs. Oh, stop! Yep. Two tier one, dickhead, and they're published in the Journal of Economic Inquiry. How many journals has your dickhead professor been published in?

Probably jac-shed. Yeah, bullshit. That sounds like an economist answer to me. Full of shit, psychics. Ha, ha. Idiots. Out of myself. Oh, what a winner.

I don't know how you guys do this every week. It's so emotionally exhausted. Oh, yeah.