The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 54

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, welcome back. Hey, Sean, we skipped your greeting last week, didn't we? You did.

That's all right, though. Yeah, because we had Ron was in studio. Yeah. You got to get it in before the intro. Yeah. Which, I don't know if you guys listen past the credits of the show. We've been doing this for a long time now. We've been throwing a little bumper at the end of each episode,

and we kind of busted Ron's balls for being OCD, didn't we? Yeah. Yeah, but after he left. Well, he outed himself as being OCD too. I don't know if that's medical or not. A lot of people just say I'm OCD when they're not. I believe it with Ron. I've been to his apartment. I've seen his, it's like, it's meticulous, it's clean, it's tidy, it's neat. A little too neat. Okay. You know, like, he's either gay or he's got a disorder. It's probably the spectrum of OCD. Yeah. It's almost, it's almost like a, like one of those. dystopian futures where everything is so bright and sunny, but like the wallpaper starts to peel off a little bit and it's all gray behind it and you look behind there's like just machines terrorizing people.

This is a man's apartment? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Huh. But for being such an neat and tidy guy, a lot of crumbs left behind where he was sitting last time. Oh, I love shitting on our guests when they're not in studio to defend themselves.

We shouldn't turn that into a bit. Anybody that comes on, we just talk shit. We just gossip after they leave. Yeah. The next week. We'll get great access to great guests, I'm sure. They like it. People like it.

Sure. People like getting shit on. People love people talking behind their backs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Dick, last week, I can't believe it. Huge upset, but bad blow jobs, you idiots. Bad blow jobs was the number one problem from last week. Dude, because it's like, it's all that, it's everything.

It's everything. It's the entire, the entire purpose of our lives, of my life is getting that good blow job. Oh, boy. And the bad blow job is like, sorry Mario, there's a princess in another castle. That all that stuff you did doesn't even matter. Yeah, that princess is there waiting with a gaping mouth, apparently, and you're fucked up. You know what this says, Dick? What?

This just says that our fan base is mostly male. Congratulations. There you go. You don't think it's a big problem? No. If you had to eradicate problems on the list, it wouldn't, man. Like if a genie said you get to fix. A handful of problems on this list.

Bad blowjobs wouldn't be in that handful? No. Oh, well, I'm surprised by that. No, it wouldn't be one of my three wishes. Definitely not. All right, Dick. The number one problem from last week was psychics. Yeah.

Woo! Yeah, psychics. I actually knew that would happen. I've used my psychic ability to forget that. What, are you an economist now? Same thing. Same thing. By the way, on Twitter.

Stop it, man. On Twitter, I got all these economy majors who were, like, hitting me up and they were saying, Man, so you know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm an economist. I just graduated. And I would just send them a picture. I'm like, yeah, here, did you use one of these for your graduation ceremony? I sent them a picture of a crystal ball or I found another one.

I'm like, here, here's a picture of you. It's just a picture of a psychic sitting there with like, you know, those stupid hats. Oh, you don't understand economics. Yeah. I understand economics. I understand weather, too. Go ahead. Uh-huh.

Predictions. More predictions. Anyway, psychics, big problem. Thank you for voting that up. People finally listen. Two reason. A little bit of a 90s throwback, though, psychics, don't you think? I remember them being prevalent in, like, the 90s on TV, but I don't hear about them much anymore. Not as much anymore, but they're still there. They're still, they went underground.

They've kind of distributed themselves. They've crowdsourced their bullshit. Did you guys know the FBI used them for like 30 years? What? That's true. There was a covert... I'm almost sure it was the FBI, but they did. They ended it like maybe seven or eight years ago.

Oh, to solve cases? Yeah, because guess what? It didn't increase any results. Man, that's a shame. Sciop. And they looked into astral projection. There was like a really black book secret project that they looked into for astral projection. And they tried to use these people to locate, I think, missiles in Russia or something like that.

Like some crazy shit. Yeah. Well, didn't find shit. How were Russia's psychics doing? Did we have a gap there? You know what? It may have been a psychic battle. and it was a draw.

They were shielding. As much disdain as I have for it, I would love to be a psychic in the employee of the U.S. government to just make up shit. Like, meet with the Russian guys like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're doing like a psychic battle. So we're going to tell these idiots

that we're like shrouding you from the Russian psychic waves and you tell your boss the same thing. And then we just keep cashing a check. Wouldn't it be great to boss around a four-star general too? Like, dim the lights a little bit. Please. I can't, I need more candles in here. Can you get me myself?

incense. Take your shoes off. Yeah. Take them off. Take them off. Touch them. Pet them. Like a dog. I can't predict the future with these unaligned chakras everywhere. Yeah. Okay. Dick,

last week automatic bathroom sensors came in. Huge ups. I didn't see that happening. I guess you guys liked Ron's problem. Well, it was weird because he specifically excluded the hand dryer. Hand dryers.

Because he likes those hand dryers. He thinks they're cleaner. He likes having sex with trees or something. I don't know. He wanted to put his penis inside it. He did. He referenced it more than once. More than once.

The second time was weird. The first time was like, all right, whatever. You say something. It's funny. But then he said it the second time. I was like, oh, okay. I got it. I wish we were recording that in studio because he kept putting his,

he kept doing the motion with his hands, that stupid coat hanger thing you have to do to slide your hands in, like operation, you're doing surgery. And then if you touch the sides, you've got to wash your hands again. Those things are filthy. And there's countless studies that show that they just keep blowing germs into the air. Garbage. Go vote up hand dryers, automatic hand dryers. You know what, man, just don't wash your hands. What's the deal? Your dick's not dirty. Your piss isn't dirty. Sterile.

What's the deal? Have you ever had a no-wipe shit? Like, you give yourself a safety. Those miraculous no-wipe shits, yes, I have. I know how to produce them. How? Are you a shit psychic? How do you... I'm pretty close. Like, my degree of accuracy with predicting and when I'll have a no-wifes, I'm... wipe shit is like 99%. How do you do it? Um, eat nothing but hardboiled eggs, almonds, and a little bit of chicken for, uh, for one and a half days. And then your next shit will be a no-wife shit. Can you just keep eating like that? You can, but then you're an idiot because you're not getting any carbs. You're basically on the Atkins diet. That's stupid. Oh, right. But I noticed this one

time, you're a nutritionist, you're an economist, you're got all these hats that you wear. Yeah, I'm a Maddox of old trades, buddy. Oh, God. Anyway, Dick, I got a comment. You know, every now and then, we go back to previous episodes because people are constantly commenting on our older episodes. And I bring in a comment from an older episode. This one's from episode 44, which was one of the most popular episodes of old time, I think, on our show.

Oh, really? Yeah, the stats are through the roof on that episode. That was the one where I brought in the well-intentioned idiots problem. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yep. I got a comment from Julia Astrakas. She says,

The Huffington Post is the liberal Fox News. No one needed or wanted. Amen, Julia. Because we also had the live episode in that episode, during that? Oh, yeah. The live episode that our fans cherished. I wish we could bring some of those problems back in from the live episode. Oh, do you?

Yeah. Well, is that a little bit of foreshadowing? No, no, no, no, I'm not going to do that today. I see something like student loans on there, and I'm like, I would have loved to talk about that for an hour. Yeah. Not two minutes. We did need to discuss some of those problems a little bit longer.

The format of the show is a longer format, so I don't think it landed itself well to the shorter format. I mean, it is what it is. It was entertaining, I thought. Which is to say that it was excellent, you guys are all fucking idiots. I got yourself there. I got a comment from Will Tower,

this again, from episode 44, He said, Dick, my very specific opinion is that you should go fuck yourself. Okay. Long set up for... It's it? Yeah, that's it. I got a voicemail you're right? Yeah.

Gentlemen, this is former President Bill Clinton. I called you boys up because I'm a fan of the show. First off, Maddox, I have to say that obesity isn't all that bad. Some of us like one with a little extra meat on their bones. Right. Dick probably knows what I'm talking about with a bigger girl than me. The blow jobs, am I, right, Dick? Yeah.

Bacon. No. Bacon is a bipartisan issue that brings the American people together. Bacon, bacon. And it tastes delicious. Worshipping it is stupid, but it is still really tasty. Finally. My opinion on your views of the income tax.

Dick, go fuck yourself. How many presidents have told me to go fuck myself on this show? Three, I believe, right? We had Obama tell you go fuck yourself. Clinton now. Didn't Bush? I think Bush did. Bush probably did, yeah.

So get out your history books, guys, if you're going to tell me to go fuck myself. It's already been done. Three presidents telling you to go fuck yourself. That's a lot. That's a lot of presidents. That's more than most people don't have three presidents sell them to do anything. Yeah. You got another one.

Matt, you look great. I congratulate you on your weight loss. I thought, well, I'm sorry, you look amazing. Dick, you need to cut her hair and your face looks fat. It looks very different than the image in the upper right-hand corner of the website. I feel like an idiot for telling you this, but you need to wait and get raped somehow. You think Mr. Berger knows that his catchphrase, get raped, has been caught on on the show? I don't think so.

So that catchphrase, if you guys don't remember, it was from our YouTube episodes, and I brought in a comment that someone kept saying over and over again in response. to people who are criticizing our show and people who were in support of it and comments that were totally innocuous. His response every single time was get raped. And so that's kind of caught on. There's a good one.

Hey, guys, I'm a sex education teacher, and I just wanted to read one of my students wrote on his exam about conception. He said he didn't really study, but he listened to this podcast, and he didn't need to. Smart. A man swims out into the ocean

with his beloved, and wiggles around with a woman while treading water until the sperm that's floating around in his penis swims up into the woman's ovaries. Good happen. Wiggles. So good so far. Then the woman says, we, we, we, as you caress her bags of sand, and she then tees out of her clitoris, which is just a tiny teeth. And one of the ovaries becomes the baby. Maddox, I really enjoyed your role in the 40-year-old virgin.

sold it. Shut up. Very good. And also I teach Spanish and one of my students wrote that the Manichwarkers in one call. So thank you for that too.

Great. And Dick will fucking go. Oh, God damn it. All right, I have a serious comment. I have a serious email to bring in. It's from Matt Barb. Hey Dick, I am the street fighter challenger whose voicemail was played

at the end of the biggest problem in the universe episode 50, proof, and then he has his number here. On April 21st, that 539 central standard times he's very specific I sent Maddox a similar message but I have yet to hear back you won't hear back no there's a few points we need to touch on before this can happen and I was hoping you could forward the message to him first of all are you open this guy is challenging you to a street fighter

challenge are you open to this in any way can this can you be convinced to fight someone a street fighter I don't know man what's the person I'm like Rocky coming out of retirement. I'm a little rusty. I got to go back into training. Do my thing. What's the purse here? So yes.

So yes. Possibly. That's a yes. Number one, regular alpha two or alpha gold. That's the first question. What street, I don't know what that means. Regular Alpha. Street Fighter Alpha.

Well, he says regular Alpha 2 or Gold Edition. What's Gold Edition? I don't know. Does that mean he knows more about Street Fighter than you? No, nobody knows more about Street Fighter. It says Gold Edition. I don't know. Street Fighter or Sex than I do.

All right. Gold Edition, I think, was the one where they had alternate characters. I think they made Rose playable, but it wasn't... Yeah, I think that's what it was. I'm okay with... Yeah, Street Fighter Alpha Gold, sure. Okay, Street Fighter Alpha Gold. That's the one you'd apply?

That's Part 1, Gold, right? Okay. Yeah. I would prefer to play the Arcade Perfect version using a PC running MAME, which is compatible with basically any controller. Is that acceptable? No. Because Maine is easy to hack.

You can get a hacked ROM in there. But what if it was your PC? If it was running on my PC, then how are we going to play it? What are we going to network it and I'm going to run the server? Oh, he'd be running his own copy, are you saying? I guess. I don't know how maim networking, maim networked's gameplay is kind of iffy. Okay, so what's your counterproposal?

We'd have to do it in person at an arcade machine. Okay, arcade machine only. Yeah. I feel like I'm brokering the Mayweather Pachial fight right now. Except there's more at stake here. There really is. I would much rather see you fight someone at Street Fighter in an arcade than I would watch two men hug each other for 12 rounds. Local or online. So you're saying local. You're saying it must be local. Yeah.

I really hope you read this. Let me know what you think. Matt Barr. Matt Barr. Never heard of this guy. Well, he's trying to make a name for himself, buddy. Yeah. Well, good luck, Matt. That was meant completely sarcastically. You're going to go down. You're going to burn. You're going to burn it hell. You want to do any more comments?

We take too much time on comments. You want to do any more comments? We have this, Dick, two episodes ago for our one-year anniversary, or episode 52, as you like to call it. I brought in this questionnaire. We were going to talk about it, but the episode went on for so long that we didn't have time. It's a questionnaire that I brought in that we both kind of filled out. And I wanted to know, because it was our one-year anniversary, we didn't get to it. I wanted to mention which votes,

this is a question I asked, I asked both of us, which votes were you most disappointed with? Of all the problems that we've brought in? I'm most disappointed with. Yeah. It was either the income tax or changing your sheets. Do you remember what the income tax problem got? It was in the positives, but it was just limping along.

I think it was in the triple digits. You know, you corrected yourself, or actually clarified rather, in the following episode, but I think a lot of people confused your income tax problem with taxes in general. Taxes in general? Do you have problem with taxes in general? Well, I don't want to pay them. Okay.

But, yeah. Do you want more than that? Well, no. Because that's a derail. Tax. Yeah, they exist. I'm going to have to call you a libertarian again. Yeah.

And everyone's done with your thoughts on economics. Oh, okay. Can we say that finally? No more economy talk on this show? Oh, as long as we don't mention psychics, I'm fine with not mentioning economists. My problem that I think that I was really disappointed with the vote was self-checkout lanes. It was negative 613, I think, as of this writing.

Yeah, they're great. Self-checkout lines are a huge problem, man. And I definitively proved it in that episode by bringing in studies and evidence and case studies and personal accounts from customers who said they hated those things and there were garbage. and then grocery store chains pulling them out because they were, A, inefficient, B, made a worse customer experience, and C, didn't save them money. I remember you saying all that, but you're just wrong. Yeah, I guess our fans' ears are full of shit.

Then the second question I have, Dick, which is which problem would you like to have a do-over on? Oh, boy. Well, all the ones I'm disappointed in. Oh, I'll tell you which problem I'd like to have a duo over on. Snapchats of not tits. Okay. Because after that episode, I got a bunch of snapchats of tits. Uh-huh.

So, doing it again. Great. Yeah, I got a few. That was pretty cool. Thank you for bringing that in. Yeah, you're welcome. That's why I brought it up again, too, by the way. I'm glad you're taking the show seriously, asshole.

What? We're trying to find the biggest problem in the universe. Well, here's my serious answer. Facebook. Facebook was the problem. Because I really feel like I got steamroll in that episode. I didn't have a chance. There was such limited time, and I made such a great case that nobody listened to because you had shit in your ears.

We need more time. Yeah, we do need more time. And then, what do you think should be number one on the list? Hunger. Hunger. Hunger should be the number one thing. Hunger doesn't even affect as many people as half the shit that's on that list. It's horrible, though.

It's a horrible thing. It's the scarcity of resources are so bad that people are starving to death. That's awful. It's not the scarcity of resources. It's the inefficient distribution models that we have. We have more than enough food. In America. Well, yeah, in America, but the companies aren't shipping them to some of these countries.

And it's not a simple... Well, it's not a simple thing. It's not a simple solution where you just ship them food and then that's that. Because we did that in Haiti after their earthquake. And what it did is Haiti's number one export, I think, was rice. And... The number one thing that they produced in their country was rice. So it basically put...

local farmers out of business when we were just sending them free rice. Yeah, and then when the funds dried up, we stopped sending them free rice. Well, the local farmers went out of business already, so we actually impacted their economy even worse than before. Yeah, so it's hard to fix. That problem is a big problem and definitely deserves to be on the list easily in the top 20. I don't think it's the number one problem because I think... I think, okay, I'm okay with that.

I track it every day. I bet you do, you pedantic fuck. On number one on the list. Petty, maybe, not pedantic. Yeah, both. It's all the peas. Yeah. What was your problem?

Mine is anti-vaxxers. I think anti-vaxers is really, has the potential to undo us as humanity. Hmm. Yeah. I think there's steam's kind of wearing off on those guys, though. Like, everybody's harping on them now. They're becoming like, what was that religion where they didn't do,

they wouldn't go to the doctor that Jim Henson died of? Jews. No. Jews are the doctors. They don't need to go anywhere. Jehovah's witnesses don't. Oh, yeah. That's when he was.

I think they're like relegated to the side. Like they're not growing. Antivaxers aren't growing anymore. If anything, they're declining. I hope, man. But I still know some anti-vaxxers who have families. This friend of mine has a family, three, four kids. I don't know how many kids.

Always popping out kids. And she doesn't believe in vaccinations. She thinks that she knows better than doctors with degrees and everyone else in society, apparently. It's just selfish. one of the most selfish things you can do. Armchair doctors. Can you imagine how that guy who started it all feels? Like he, he debunked his own research, the doctor who originally put out this idea that vaccinations cause autism. He was completely discredited. Yeah. Yes. The study that he published was recalled, and it's one of the most famous recalled studies. They recanted that study

that said, this guy's a charlatan. Hasn't he also recanted on it? Or is he still? I think so, yeah. But all you have to do is put it out there. And people are going to hang on to it because it's scary. Yeah. He's responsible for so many deaths. So we agree that number one should be anti-vactors. Thank you. Let's move on to the problems, Dick.

You want me to go first? Sure. My first problem this week is people who complain about being cold all the time. Wham! Cry babies. Just a bunch of suck-ass sissies. Well, it's all women. It's almost every girlfriend I've ever had.

Yeah. You know who doesn't complain about being cold all the time? Fat, fat people. So none of my girlfriends. So you brought in women as a problem? No, no, no, no. I'm just busting balls here. I'm just in, I'm busting boxes here.

But, uh, but yeah, it's people who complain about being cold all the time. It's guys and girls. And it's really unbecoming of humanity, I think, to complain about being cold all the time. What, what are you a fucking lizard? You reptile? Get a jacket. Eat a pepper. drink some Tabasco and fuck off

like what's the big deal why can't you just stay warm why is it so hard to stay warm and these people it's cold it's it's cold these people complain incessantly about how cold it is and then you know what they do they ruin the fun

for others they say they say they hate the cold they'll stay away from this look man I'm not a fan of the cold I grew up in Utah I'm fucking tired of it it's gross I'm done with the cold. However, when I'm in the cold, I just deal with it. I sit around and it's not a big deal. Okay, I'm a little bit inconvenienced by the temperature in this room.

Who gives a shit? Yeah. I do think you're just talking about everyone's wife, though, or girlfriend. Like, I really, this is a real sneaky way to do that, but they're cold. They're small. They don't have big bodies with muscles generating heat all the time. Eat a fucking steak. can't you gain a couple pounds and shut the fuck up, please?

I don't think it works like bad. Like a bear? I'll tell you, man. When I was heavier. Like a bear. Oh, no. No more fatmatic stories. People are sick of the fatmatic stories.

Yeah, who is, though? It was hysterios. He had a status update that said something like the worst things to talk about in this world. And number one was like people who used to be fat talking about how skinny they are now. Oh, God. Yeah. And number two was like ethnic climate. or something like something like that but um no when i was when i was fatter i would never ever get cold i

remember i would walk around without jackets all the time in fact i went through a four year span of my life without wearing jackets because um when i lived in when i had my uh my place in utah i rented two apartments and i lived in one and i worked out of the other and a lot of there were like a block a block and a half apart oh can we go through that for a little bit first yeah you had two apartments one just to work in yeah what what do you mean work in I sat my... Yeah, to write my book, my manuscript for my first book, and I also had to do my online store.

Okay. Rout ship T-shirts out of, so I needed a place to store all that stuff, because that stuff used to be in my living room, and it was just piled to the ceiling. Literally, there wasn't... You couldn't even fit a piece of paper in between the boxes piled in this in my apartment. It was just a mess. So I finally got a second apartment because I looked into the price,

and it cost like $400 for a one-bedroom apartment. So combined for both apartments, it cost me $1,000. And this is downtown Salt Lake City. I had a combined two bathrooms, two kitchens, three bedrooms. It was great. But the apartments were about a block and a half apart. So a lot of times late at night when I'd be working, I would just walk to one apartment wearing my shorts and flip-flops and no jacket and walk back home because it's just a

block and a half. Who gives a shit? And one day there was a blizzard. And I'm walking in this blizzard. and I thought, wow, you know what? It's really cold, and my body's probably working harder to produce heat. I'm probably burning more energy. And that kind of spawned a theory of mine a long time ago.

This is like back in 2004, 2005, about an ice diet where I would swallow ice to keep my body temperature low at all times. Yeah. That's a thing now. Yeah, it's a thing now. Like, people are saying that. That's an actual thing. Anyway, I came up with that theory. And that happened when I was walking back and forth.

And I decided, and then I looked into it. and I found out, I think it was Socrates, was the philosopher. I found out he never wore jackets, and he would walk around in the cold barefoot. So I thought, well, fucking, if Socrates did it, I'm going to do it. So that kind of inspired me. That started a four-year span of my life where I boycotted jackets. I stopped wearing jackets altogether. I refused to wear jackets.

Are the temperatures similar in Utah in ancient Greece? I think so, because I looked at, they're about the same. I don't think so. It's like it didn't snow in Greece ever, did it? Yeah, they specifically talked about how Socrates would walk around barefoot in the snow. In the snow? Yeah. Oh, I don't know.

So I went through this phase where I didn't wear jackets. To my personal, financial, and possibly career detriment, I was in New York visiting with the president of the publishing company I was with. And he said, Maddox, your book's doing well. I'm going to take you out to the best steak restaurant in New York. Big mistake. And he said, and I showed up, and he said, do you have a jacket? And I said, no, I don't wear jackets. It's very proud, like, starting to go off on my stupid theory, right?

He's like, you're like a fucking sitcom character. So he said, you don't have a jacket? And I said, no, I don't wear jackets. And I went on. Did you not hear me, you fat fuck? I don't wear jackets. So I told him my theory, and he seemed really. unimpressed. He said, okay, well,

can you find a jacket? I said, no, I don't need one. I'm fine. And I didn't, I wasn't picking up the subtext here. I said, oh, you should really get a jacket. It's going to rain tonight. I said, it's okay. I walk in the rain all the time. So I refused jackets. Did you tell him the Socrates part, though? I did, yeah. Of course. I explained

the Socrates part. Could you imagine this poor guy? What is he? Like a VP of a publishing company? He's the president. The owner. The owner of the publishing company has to go home that day. His wife's like, how is working? He's like, these fucking authors, this fucking jackass comes in to the building today, and he's making, and he's walking around pretending to be Socrates. Who the fuck?

Where do the fuck do these people come from? So I show up to the steakhouse, one of the best in New York, and, you know, ridiculously expensive steaks, like $100 plus. And so I walk in and I notice everyone in the restaurant is wearing a jacket and, like, a suit. Like a nice jacket. tie. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm wearing a shirt with tanks on it and jeans. And so I walk in and I thought, wow, I'm really underdressed. I feel like an asshole. Now I get it. He was telling me to wear a jacket. This was when my book came out in 2006. So what, like eight years ago? Yeah.

Oh, my. I'm surprised they didn't have jackets. Yeah, they usually do. They usually do. However, I think this worked a little bit in my favor because they know the owner of the publishing company, and they know that he's a regular. So he's a high roller. He comes in. They don't want to insult him. They don't want to insult me. And they saw that I was with him.

Definitely him. Yeah. They saw that I was with him. And they realized they treated me so differently when they saw that I was standing next to him. Because when I walked in, I got all these eye rolls and glares, right? Then I walked up next to the publisher. And they said, oh, right this way, right this way. And they thought I was such a big shot because I was able to walk into this restaurant, not wearing a jacket, wearing my stupid graffiti tank shirt.

And they sat me down and everyone's like, oh, who's that guy? Who's that guy? He must be real important because he's not wearing a jacket. They must be used to dealing with the biggest screwballs that come from a publishing company, like other authors who also don't understand what having a nice dinner means. I think authors are meek. Why? What do you mean?

Most authors are very meek. They come from the Midwest. They're just very unused. I think that's what I was, too, a little bit when I met this guy. They don't know what to expect. They don't, they're not used to that lifestyle. So anyway, man, that's my story. Oh, plus I was drenched in rain.

Because it was a torrential rain outside. You have a habit of showing up soaked for meetings, important meetings. What? Remember when you rode your bicycle to that meeting at Fox? Oh, which one? And you ran around in a panic because they had no bike rack. Oh, yeah. So you had to, like, tie it to a parking meter or something or like a bike.

homeless person to go up to your meeting and you were drenched in sweat when you got up there? Oh boy, that was another that happened another time at Comedy Central specifically. Anyway, man, the point is, I wasn't cold. I just suck it up. What's your problem with people who are cold? Like what's your, what's a

temperature? What's a temperature that's acceptable for you? I think, I think, because I run hot, 50 and above, shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's insane. 50 is comfortable. Maddox. You can't think that 50 degrees. You can't think it's okay to keep people in 50 degrees in the house. Oh, get out of here.

If I get into the ocean and it's 50 degrees, hey, it's a great day. Get in the ocean. Throw me a beach ball. Let's do this. So if your house was at 50 degrees and somebody was complaining, that would be a problem for you? It would be, it's a little colder than average, but yeah. 50? 50?

What do you see? This is a traditional California pussy. And here's what I'm disappointed in reporting. Guys, I say after I lost weight and, and, and, you know, And, you know, the longer you live in a warmer climate, the more acclimated you get to it. It's turned me into a little bit, a little bit of a pussy. You know what really annoys me? What?

About you jackasses from the cold? You're so proud of how you can take the cold weather. It's so annoying. It's like, you didn't do anything. You just live where it's cold. It wears off if you don't live there. So shut the fuck up about it. I don't think you can adjust.

I don't think so, Dick. I think the cold would chew you up and spit you out like a toothpick. Of course you adjust, because you didn't do anything to get it. You just sat there on your ass walking from one apartment to another. Did you not hear my boycott of jackets for four years? Some of them talk like they're genetically superior or something like that. They talk like they're the master race because they can take it. We're like, oh, look at you guys wearing your jeans.

I'm only wearing high water pants. You're a bunch of pussies. It's like, yeah, you live where it's cold, dude. Shut the fuck up. Like, is where you live so shitty that you have to be proud of something is stupid as being able to take it when it's cold? Yes, dickhead, because it's tough to live there. You, people die in the harsh climates that we grew up in as children. Oh, get over yourself.

You come to California. Oh, it's a bit nippy. It's 69 degrees. Let me get my scarf out. Oh, these fucking hipster pussies standing around intelligentsia coffee with our twirling mustache. You're such a man because you can take it when it's cold outside. Oh, my God. Where would we be without you tough guys to take it when it's 50 degrees outside?

I'll tell you where you'd be in a coffee shop. She's sipping an expensive latte, you Pussies. You want to hear the story of when I finally broke down and started wearing jackets? Yes. It wasn't that? That didn't shame you into doing it? This was a real stupid fuck up. I went to London

in December. And I... Here is the heaviest, thickest thing that I packed. One flannel shirt. That's it. Everything else in my suitcase was short sleeve. and I only brought one pair of pants and a couple shorts with me. Yeah.

So I show up in London, and it's fucking bitter cold. And I'm walking around thinking, okay, if I walk around and I hop in from shop to shop at, you know, 15-minute intervals at a time. And I'll just pretend like I'm browsing so I warm up, you know? And this, you're still okay with your principle of not wearing a jacket like Socrates, even though you're leapfrogging like a homeless man from shop to shop. Yeah. This is still a win. Yeah. Okay. And every time I would see a pasty shop, for Americans who don't know, pasties are these little pockets. They're almost like hot pockets. It's like a piece of bread

full of jizz, right? No, they're delicious. It's like a calzone filled with like curry and chicken and beef. They're really good. They're doughy and just chewy. They're really good. So every time I saw a pasty shop, I would stop in, buy a pasty to warm up my hands. And then I'd walk to the next shop and just browse souvenirs while I warmed up. And I thought, I could just keep doing this my entire trip in London. And so then I was doing a tourist thing And I was going to see the London Eye and all this other bullshit So I was walking across this bridge Because right by the London Eye there's this big stretch of water

Yeah And the wind was blowing across that water And it started, it was overcast and it started to snow The Tame, that's the Tame River Tame River? I think so, yeah Tams. Yeah, Tams, that you said? Yeah, I think so Whatever, I'm sure some Brits gonna correct us in the comments

So I was walking across this bridge And the wind blew so hard with snow and ice. I actually felt frost on my face. Like my cheeks were frosty, and I kind of scraped it off. And I was so fucking cold. I was shivering. And there's this little Chinese lady.

It was right about the time that all the shops were closing up. And she was selling scarves. And she said, ah, I'm on the most snowman. Run for your life. That's Vietnamese asshole. You always do Vietnamese instead of Chinese. Anyway, so this lady's selling all this stuff. And I walk up to her, I said,

how much? And before she could even answer, I said, oh, whatever, I'll buy everything. I'll buy everything. I bought, I made her fucking day, dude. I didn't haggle for anything. I paid her. Whatever she was asking. I bought a hat. I bought gloves. I bought a scarf. I bought two scarves to, like, wrap around my arms. And then I bought so much shit there. I bought an extra hat just in case I dropped mine. You became a homeless person. You literally became a homeless person, just grabbing garments of clothing. Anything that you can get to wrap around your body. And I bought this stupid-looking fleece poncho or something she was selling. I thought, whatever, I don't give a shit. I'm going to die out here if I don't wear something. Maddox, you make your life so much more complicated that it has to be with your assenine,

like with your principles. Yeah, they're principles, Dick. Anyway. I know you're working on a book. How far? How's that going, by the way? Great. What percentage?

I'm making a thermometer over here. Ah, percentages. You know, they're just numbers. Okay, that tells me it's less than 10. Oh, uh, uh, oh, I'm sweating. Okay. I'm not cold right now. That tells me 10, it's a lot less than 10.

Dick, the publisher might be listening. It's coming along. Great, guys. I'm going to keep this thermometer on the back of the way. Right. And thanks for signing up for the mailing list. I still haven't sent out the final verdict, but I, people called me out on that. When I said, you have to give me a reason why you think that you

you should be signed up for this mailing list. Some people are fucking with me in there. One of them said, this guy said, I used to beat up computer science majors like you in high school when I was a kid, and that's what is the response was. Deleted. Oh, you deleted that?

I put it on the maybe list. We'll see. Yeah, that's the best part of having those lists. Like when we had the list for the live show, the answers that everybody put in. hilarious. Where's hilarious. Dick, what's your problem?

No, no, no, no, I was going to say, so the book that you're writing, I know it's not going to be what I'm about to pitch you, but what I really want to read is making your life more complicated by Maddox. And it's just full of these stories. Like, here's how I became a homeless man. And it all starts with

I wanted to be more like Socrates. Yeah, I was just walking between two apartments. In a blizzard. This is the goal. I'm going to live like, I'm going to walk a mile in Socrates's jacket of his shoes. It's smart. I did it for four years. Fuck you.

All right. What's your problem? My problem is, this is a very personal problem. It opened up to me like a can of worms. I thought it was just going to be a very simple kind of throwaway problem. Yeah. But as I dug and dug, it got a lot deeper and it got a lot more interesting.

Oh. Okay? Sounds like a problem with deep roots. What? It sounds like it's a problem that has some roots, some deep roots. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So first I have to address. something. And I don't know if this is going to upset anyone. I wish you guys could hear eye rolls because there was one definitely in the studio. Sean, I don't bring this up. I'm not trying to bust balls. It's interesting to me to talk about. I like talking about everything that goes on on this show. I like talking about the behind-the-scenes stuff because I think it gives people an insight into, you know, into the dynamic here. Okay. And that's interesting. Sometimes, yeah.

Sometimes it's interesting. I think this time it is interesting. Mm-hmm. Sean looks like the expression lurch from the Adam's family has on his face. Permanently, that's the expression on Sean's face right now. Also a little bit Hannibal Lecter. Yeah, a little bit. There was talk before our year-anniversary show of you bringing in a problem.

Right? That's a true statement. I remember somebody saying, you should bring one in for the 50s. second and I said all right. Everybody. Everybody. No, who, how did, how did they ask you to do that, Sean? Who's they? It was you guys. Well, who's this person? Who's this person? How did you get that request? All right. I don't remember. We'll get there. All right. Okay. Everybody wanted you to bring in a problem, though. Well, people have been asking for a long time because they like Sean. Sean's a star of the show.

Everybody, they shit on me and Dick, and for some reason, you are the show's darling and you are untouchable. Everybody loves you, Sean. Untouchable. Even with the, even with the fucking deleting thing. Yeah. People were immediately jumping to your defense. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah. Not that I don't appreciate it, but that's weird.

They sense something. They sensed something. And they knew that if you brought in a problem, you would probably be the most rational, either you would be the most rational person, or you would completely surprise everybody and be just as big of a maniac as us, right? That was the tease.

That's what everybody was waiting for. That was the hope, yeah. That was the hope. That was the question that needed to be answered. So, So you brought in a problem I thought it was a great problem I don't want to go over the line either

You tell me if I'm If this is not funny No you're fine Okay You brought in a problem And then Then you guys Then you guys broke my heart

Didn't you Dick I didn't know you had a heart That's a surprise to me What happened to that problem Well uh It didn't show up Did it? No the problem

The problem didn't show up What happened? And I don't think that a single person who was listening to that episode could tell. No. It was masterfully edited. Yeah. It was erased from history. Like Marty McFly's family.

Delete it. Let's say deleted. Deleted. Sean, do you want to talk about this or not? Yeah. What the hell? Sean actually did bring in a problem for our big one-year anniversary. And why specifically?

You remember at whose behest, Sean? Because I can tell you, you received an email. I think in all caps right before the show. Dick, do you know anything about this email? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did the email say? I should bring in a fucking problem. It was more like a reminder. Oh, reminder, okay. So it wasn't an outright demand that you bring in a problem. So Sean did bring in a problem and we recorded it and it was a great problem. I thought it was great. Yeah, it was honestly, I thought it was great. It added to... I've listened to it a dozen times. I still haven't heard it, but it added to our, the length of that episode, which was already long. It came in, the final episode,

came in, I think, around an hour and 45 minutes, something like that, with Sean's problem in it. No, I think it was like two hours. Yeah, it was like, it was close to you. Two hours, yeah. It was a huge, huge episode. Still, a huge episode, even without Sean's problem. Yeah.

Because of my brilliant takedown of the economic fallacy. Anyway. So, the next day, can we talk about dog food? No. Yeah. No. So the day before the problem goes up, who gets a text? Maddox gets a text first from Sean.

I get a text. And Sean said, He wasn't too happy with how he defended the problem. He said he wasn't prepared enough. And he asked if he could cut it from the episode, right? True. True. Well, I thought of it just about midnight the night before.

Yeah. And it was a lame problem, in my opinion. I didn't prepare at all. And I just came in, and it was like audio cancer to me. Well, that's what you said to me. Objectively, it was bad. And I said, absolutely not. Absolutely not objectively.

Yeah, not at the time. Turned out I was right, though. What do you mean? Because I listen to it the next day. You know, we've talked about this statement. Somebody told me one time they said, when you're performing in anything, it's very rarely as good or as bad as you think it is.

It's usually somewhere in the middle. And I've played guitar live a million times. And there's been shows where I thought I was dying up there. And, you know, people would tape the shows and stuff like that, and I'd get a copy of it. And it was never as bad as I thought. Right. You know, I'm my own worst critic.

But this was actually as bad or worse. worse than I thought it was when I went back and listened to it. Yeah, but, Sean, that's not... And I think, I think that the show deserves better. Oh, that is a very diplomatic way of getting out of this, buddy. I was trying to butter you up. Yeah, I snaked it. I agree.

Honestly, do. If I'm going to bring in a problem, I'm going to bring in a problem. One that I actually give a shit about. Sean, it was a great problem, objectively speaking. I was so glad you brought in. And also, I had a few interesting takedowns of dick that may never... That's what, and that's why, that's what broke my heart. Because I listened back to it, I'm like, oh, man, Maddox is really saying a lot of stupid stuff here.

This has got a... It brought up interesting points that I thought should see the light of day. Yeah. Right? So, yeah. So, Sean said, hey, man, it felt premature. Can we cut it? I'll bring in a problem some other time.

I wasn't too happy with the performance. And I said, you know what, buddy? Yeah, I don't want to stress you out. Let's get rid of it. And I don't. I don't. Because I know you don't want to be like a jerk-off performer like us, so it's fine. Sean is the only person who actually gives a real shit about...

Reputation and, like, real life and stuff like that. And he, like, cares about how he comes across, whereas, like, the more I'm hated, it makes me stronger. Yeah. Okay. I think you're being too hard on yourself. So I came up with a fun experiment to see if you think it's really as bad as you, as, if you think your problem is really, as bad as you're saying it was. All right? And I also think this is the funniest thing I might have ever done. Oh, wow. You're real proud of yourself. I went through so much because it kills me

that it was lost. So I have to fix it. I have to fix it. I have to fix it. I have to fix it. So I've brought in, and don't react to it yet. I've brought in a clip. I've brought in a clip of what I've done with that dialogue, except I replaced your lines with a voice actor. So, just so you can be completely objective. I'm only going to play a little bit of it, all right? And he sounds a lot like you, but it's not you. Because I think that will make it objective. Oh, I don't know.

Dix. Sean has a pretty distinctive voice, except for Bald Brian from the Adam Carolla show. Yeah. All right, here. I'm going to play it now. The voice is not what's going to make it objective. Well, but it's a mind thing. It's a mind thing.

It might help. It might help, yeah. I don't like listening to myself either. Like, it takes something. I've heard myself recorded a million times. All right. You tell me... I have no problem with the sound of my own voice.

You tell me after... Nobody knows what their own voice sounds like until they hear it recorded. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see. So, Sean, people have been asking you to bring in a problem all year long, basically since the first time they heard you laughing in the background. And they said, who's that guy? I should have never done that.

I should have kept my mouth shut the entire time. Sounds just like you. It's too late because now you have to open your mouth and tell us what you're problem is. I wasn't even going to do a problem because last week was fucking insane. I am lucky I even know my own name right now. Who is this guy? Except I got an email from Dick in all caps, yelling at me that I better bring in a fucking problem. Yeah, short email.

Exactly. Was that entirely in the subject line? No, it was in the body. When are we recording? You better bring in a fucking problem. See, now you can be objective. Now you can objectively say whether or not that was good. I want to meet that guy.

Was that one of those $5 things that you do? No, no, I had to pay a lot. more for that. I transcribed your entire problem. Oh my gosh. Like that. That was just the first bit. That was the first bit. If you hate it, I'm not going to play it. Dick, that's how... I couldn't tell

where that guy began and Sean stopped talking. That's the trouble. He really nailed it. Yeah. So here's my problem. What I bring it in? It's perfectionism. And at first I brought it in flippantly, because I was like I do think you're a

in some ways a perfectionist. Oh, I think in more than some ways. Yeah. I've gotten better too. Well, good. But I think this is a great example of that. I don't mean to bust your balls too much because I, like, you know, it's not a big deal. I think that the bit's funny. But what I thought at first was perfectionism just keeps talented people from making amazing stuff. It does. Yeah. You're guilty of this. For sure. In this instance, because I thought it was a great problem, and in music. And you, Maddox, I think, are also guilty of this. Oh, totally. I have articles I haven't published that I've fully written with images. In fact, the lucid dreaming one that I kind of teased at at the end of one of our episodes, that was a fully written article

and I posted it. I thought it wasn't up to snuff and I never posted it on my website. I mean, forget articles. How about books? It's been, you're working on book number three. Yeah. There's been 10 years. Man, people who are not perfectionists just crank the shit out. Yeah, of course. They're hacks. Right. Well, I don't even know if they're hacks or not. Not that, you know, there is virtue to being a hack. Sometimes. But this book, yeah, some of my books, it does become a crippling thing, perfectionism. Because sometimes your inner critics are so loud, your inner demons are so loud that they shut you up before you even get to the page.

And that's why I'm able to put up with so much bullshit for my fans because I think, that's all you got, you idiots? Why don't you get inside my fucking head and deal with my demons for five fucking minutes? your criticism isn't even as loud as my own criticism inside my head. Yeah, it's not even as clever. That maybe would have hurt my feelings if you just added this little part to it. Like you should have sat down and thought about it for a second. Oh, man, I can rip myself apart so much better than my head. Well, you've had a lot more practice of ripping myself up.

Sure. Of course, yeah. Yeah. So you bring in things like Guardians of the Galaxy, which you thought was shit, which you thought was a shit movie. No, it was okay. It's a big problem. Like, you posed your case of why it's a problem.

However, I think this, this sense of perfectionism is preventing people who are brilliant from creating better art. Oh, dick, that's a very clever argument. Well, so at first, I thought what you might be thinking now, which is like, yeah, but it goes both ways. Because it's also

like maybe people aren't being too hard on themselves and we're also saving the world from a lot of shit, right? Which is my philosophy. I think that parents are not hard enough on their kids, for example. So I started digging into this perfectionism thing. Like I typed in perfectionism stats like I usually do for this show. And what I found was

this tremendous amount of psychological studies and psychological research that ties perfectionism in with some of the worst psychological hang-ups that we have. Like narcissism, depression, suicide.

Let me read through some of these because I'm getting ahead of myself. It's a personality trait characterized by purpose of striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards. Right. Accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concern regarding blah, blah, blah, blah. So they split it up into dimensions. Concern over making mistakes, high personal standards, perception of high parental expectations,

the perception of high parental criticism, which, I mean, your mom is vicious with your work. with your work. Absolutely. Never, never approved. No, never satisfied with anything. Even cash. I can just give her wad of money and she'd say, what,

just this much? Is this what I'm worth to you? Yeah. Let me see. True story, right away. You have the worst mom stories. You really do. Perfectionism is a trait.

Many of us copped too coyly, maybe even proudly. I'm a perfectionist being the classic response. You say in a job interview when asked to name your biggest flaw, one that you think isn't a flaw really, but it is because it can be devastatingly destructive leading to crippling anxiety and depression, and it might be an overlooked risk factor. Yeah, I read someplace on, I think there was a study that talked about how perfectionism can be

so crippling, especially when it comes to work. And at some point, there is that tradeoff where it no longer becomes about the work necessarily, but about, It does have to do with narcissism. And I think it's the way that the parents have placed expectations on the kid growing up, which causes them to fall into this crippling cycle where they don't produce anything. They become unproductive. Procrastination is one of the biggest symptoms. Oh, there you go.

That's me. That's meat to a T. So this is, here's the meat of this. This is the actual study I found because a lot of it was like self-actualization shit, but this is the actual study I found. examining levels of perfectionism, conscientiousness, and academic productivity in psychological professors, they found that conscientiousness was associated positively with publications, but perfectionism, like people who said they're perfectionist, was associated negatively with the number and impact of their publications.

Interesting. So people who consider themselves perfectionists produced less and less meaningful work. You know what's fascinating, Dick, is that this applies to me so much. Because for the first, I would say, 10 to 15 years of my writing of my website, I had this style of writing that my friend Michael Malice, you know, we have a mutual friend, Michael Malice, author, he wrote a book called Dear Reader. He saw the way I wrote one day, and he was at a loss for words because he said, I can't believe this is the way you write.

The way I write... What do you mean? Well, he saw the way I write and I sit down and I write one sentence or sometimes even just three words and I'll sit there and stew over those words and I'll read them back and forth over and over again in my head to see how they sound and sometimes I'll read it out loud to see how it sounds. And I won't move on until I have perfected that sentence. Once that sentence is perfectly crafted, then I'll move on to the next sentence.

And so by the time I'm done with the article, little by little, I've constructed each sentence so it's the perfect immaculate sentence. Then the article is done and I don't touch it again. I don't even look for spelling errors or grammatical errors because usually I'm I've stued over it so much that it's there there is none. There are none. I can tell you write that way. Yeah. It's really obvious. How's that? I guess I relate to it. I can tell that each sentence is crafted. That was exactly the word that I was going to use. Yeah. Was crafted. It doesn't even have to be much, you know, your writing doesn't even have to be long to notice that. Yeah.

Just certain updates you've done. And I said, that's the perfect way to say that. Oh, thank you. That's a really nice compliment. Why don't you correct your spelling, though? A bunch of people called you out on Twitter for having typos. You said, I don't correct typos. I don't correct typos in archived material because I think it's more honest that way.

My spelling on my website, guys, by the way, I have never done a spell check on any of the articles I've ever written, ever. and my spelling is about 99.9% accurate because I check everything already when I'm writing, you know? And sometimes occasionally if I'm writing until 3 in the morning and I get delirious, I might make a mistake or typo. And I leave those in after the first week. Generally, I correct typos the first week. And the only other exception is if it's something for clarity.

If I wrote something that sounds clunky and isn't getting my point across, I will correct that. But generally, typos and archived articles, I leave those there to be more honest. A study of Canadians over seven years, 6.5 years showed that the trait perfectionism predicted earlier mortality. What is hell's going on over there? You got to perfect your beer drinking. I tipped all the way back and my headphones fell off

when I was drinking beer. This finding health, even after controlled for other health risk factors, a subsequent study yield an anomalous pattern. Let's see. A link between perfectionism and serious illness. What illnesses, do you know? Because of chronic stress.

Yeah, stress creates cortisol, right? And that's... Yeah. Makes you go bald, and I'm the baldest person in this fucking room. That's true. Man. So I guess what I'm saying is, don't be a perfectionist.

And I don't mean to... This research started, because I thought it would be funny to bring in perfectionism because you pulled the problem. And it, like, I found that this is, like, a major cause of depression and illness. Heart disease, cardiac rehabilitation,

with? Oh yeah. I'm glad you don't really relate to it. It's not a whole lot of fun. It's awful. It really isn't. But, you know, I've gotten a lot better about it. But obviously that episode or that problem set something off where I was like, this is garbage. This is crap. And it's not going to be the problem that I bring in. I know exactly how you feel when something, like, when I feel like I've really made a jackass of myself on this show goes up to out. Because the next day I'm like, oh, Christ. Like, this is going to be a hell of a week. You know, Dick, you have brought in probably one of the best crafted arguments that you just totally glossed over. It's the best thing I've heard you say, I think, on the show.

Always insults. It's a compliment. I haven't even gotten to the backhanded insult yet. But it was the part where you said, you mentioned Guardians of the Galaxy, and you said that I thought it was a shitty movie. And I said, yes. And it's probably due to perfectionism that we don't see better movies. And I totally buy that. That's a totally solid argument.

Yeah. I, that's one of the best things you've said in the show, because I think that that does actually explain real world phenomenon and why we don't see better artists. Perfectionism, this, this, you have no idea, like, how fundamental. And it goes way behind art. Right. This, this, this is a, this is a potential fundamental shift in my thinking, uh, what you said, and I have to think about it more. I'm not ready to talk about it. Woo! Dick, don't, don't celebrate, because you're, you're just a simple, fucking, uh, You're just like a simple factory worker who stumbles upon a gold nugget and doesn't even know what the fuck to do with it.

Don't know it's worth. I play air guitar with it. That's what I do with it. Jackass, you're just sitting there on a goldmite. Don't even know what it's worth. I'm just going to come over and fucking steal it from you. I brought in a quiz, but we're probably running out of time. Well, I found a real quiz, like a real, are you a perfectious quiz?

But it said it took like 40 minutes, so then I just found one on the Huffington Post. Well, you're clearly not. a perfectionist. And we're not linking to the Huffington Post. So you might as well read the title of the website, because I'm not going to link to it. What do you mean, the title of the website? So people can look for it as your source.

I'm not going to link to Huffington Post. Oh, I don't know. Search Are You a Perfectionist Quiz on Google. There you go. There you go. But it's all, I think it's all stuff we've already covered. Yeah, man. The perfectionism thing is really crippling.

I've gotten a lot better. Actually, do in part to my friend Michael Malice's criticism. He said that the way you write is insane. Oh, you're a nightmare to work with. writing? Get out of you. Because you focus so intensely on every sentence that goes into a pitch. And when it's totally unnecessary.

I'll tell you when it is necessary. When you're communicating with someone and your writing efficiency counts, you have to communicate a really powerful and very precise message in just a few sentences or paragraphs that's really important to do. Here's what I think. You spend 90% of your effort covering the last 10% of. of quality. This is like if you want to obsess,

if you want to get a job done, you do 10% of the work will get you 90% of the way there. That's an A. You want to obsess over it and spend another nine times which you just spent for that last little 10% wasted time.

That's my philosophy. Some people think it's worth it. Yes. I am sorry I gave you that compliment earlier. You don't think there's any wisdom in that? No, I don't think it's applicable to me. I think it's true. It is true for some people.

You do spend the most effort to get that last 10%. So instead of making one song perfect to you, which doesn't mean it's perfect. No. It doesn't, according to the study, it doesn't mean it's going to be any better. No, Dick. Well, here's the thing. I think perfectionists,

at least in my own experience, you'll try a lot of different things. And as soon as you show aptitude to it, you gain expectations immediately. That's true. Then it becomes, in my world it was always, there were two possibilities that could exist. If it was done really well, that was acceptable. If it wasn't, it was complete and utter failure.

That's a tough way to think because it's not A or B. I was always an A or B thinker, pass, fail. It's alphabet soup, man. It's a lifetime of letters. No, it's a... Did they all add up? That's true. The problem is that this doesn't apply to a lot of people and industry.

For example, the video game industry, they spend the majority of their time, the 90% of their effort in the first 10% of the game because they know that the majority of game players aren't going to play all the way through it. That's why a lot of times you'll play a game like Fallout 3 and you'll play this huge epic game. And by the way, epic used correctly, you'll play this giant game and you'll get to the end of it and the story, the ending is wrapped up in like 30 seconds and it's garbage. Because they know that they're not going to spend a lot of time at this ending that 90% of their fans aren't going to see it. That actually does not apply to a lot of industries and people. And same with me, for example. When I write articles, I spend a lot of time thinking about the thesis. And the thesis is usually the title to my article.

And I want that to be very strong, very powerful, and very clear because that's the hook. People need to know exactly what you're saying up front as quickly as possible. So I think that that doesn't always apply. But there is some... I'm not sure what you're talking about. You said that the 90% of the effort is put into the last 10% of the... the work, right? Yeah. I disagree. And I think the video game industry and myself is sound of that. Well, I'm saying that perfecting it. Like sitting there obsessing over things that ultimately don't matter.

That's where you're turning your wheels and wasting time. I obsess over almost everything in my writing. And however, the criticism I received from my friend Michael Malice did change the way I write. I have experimented. It's tough, but I experiment with writing things that are stream of conscious and I get it out on the paper. I get it out on the page. And then I go back, and I edit and I add to it. The problem is sometimes I do that approach towards email, and since I'm so used to writing perfect emails... Oh, interesting.

What happens is... That's why your email cue is so fucked? Yeah. Oh, wow. Sometimes what happens is I will send off emails prematurely because I have trusted myself in the past to have crafted the perfect email, so I'll just send it off knowing that I can trust myself.

Now, because I've kind of changed the way I write, occasionally I'll send off an email prematurely and I can't recommend this enough there's a Google Labs setting that you can add to your email that will allow you to undo the email that you sent up to 60 seconds so I have used that

so many, I use that undo almost every single time I send an email and it has saved my ass because I will send incorrect information or incomplete information because I've kind of changed the way I write now Oh bro fascinating to me I have never, I've knew

of that labs feature you're talking about, never needed it, never wanted it. I wake up and read emails in my sent box that I don't remember sending. Wait, wait, wait, what's the name of it again? No, this is bad! You don't need it! No, it's really good. I don't obsess over email

like that. It's email undue. You need some help with your email, Mr. Carbon Captain Carbon Copy, Dickhead. Why do I need help with my email? Because you fucking suck at carbon copying people. All right. Oh, yeah. I try to... We'll bring that in sometime. No, I try to cut people off chain because it's just oh what do I'm going to give this guy another email you put it in their

inbox so it's there in case you do a search for it you need to find it anyway uh are we done with perfectionism uh yeah Sean I got that that dude that guy read your entire thing poor bastard you're like it's it the whole thing sounds like that I will bring in more if you're okay with that because it's very funny for the bonus episode we should bring that in for the entire bonus episode right we could we could bring it in for the bonus episode That'd be hilarious. But it's up to you. We'll see.

I may cut it. You know what's funny, Sean? I was with a friend that night. It's the only time I have ever edited for content. Yeah. It's the only time. I didn't pretty heavily. Well, God.

I cut it right out. You know, Sean? I cut it out like the audio cancer that it was. Oh, it's so not. It's so not. Sean, you're so hard on yourself. I was with a friend that night. And I said, well, Sean's deleting the segment.

And then she said, Sean has deleted himself. The ultimate deletion. You're like the looper. You're like a self-looper. That's funny. You at least have to hear more. We'll see. Okay, okay, okay. All right.

We're running out of time. We're on a maybe. We're on out of time, Dick. We're on out of time, Dick. I got the real biggest problem this week. Not really. I actually agree with your problem of perfectionism. I may actually even give it enough vote.

We'll see. I don't need your votes. Fuck you. Good. Go vote up monkeys. Assholes. Okay, listen, man. The real biggest problem this week,

fuck perfectionism is forest fires. Huh? Forest fires are a smoking bear. That's a real. I was waiting for the Smokey the Bear comment and it came right up top. Awesome. Dick, forest fires are a huge problem. Did you know that since 2002 they've cost us $133.4 billion dollars? Billion? Billion. In the U.S.? Yeah. Just in the U.S. alone. 133.4 billion. 175,000 people injured due to forest fires. Like hangnails and stuff?

No, no. It's not funny. Stop laughing. So people dying, Dickhead. Injured, not dying. Three little words. Insensitive. All right?

34,000 people dead. Dead. That's an entire city. A city of the size of 34,000. Football Stadium. Yeah, football stadium. full of bodies because of a forest fire. I hope you're happy.

Keep laughing it up, dickhead. Deaths per year, that's 3,778 deaths on average per year since 2002. That's as many as in 9-11. Yeah. We're having a 9-11 every year in forest fires. But aren't they always really stubborn people who won't, you know, they've got a garden hose and they won't leave their house? Sean, some people would say they're brave. Some people would say they're principled.

Oh. Who knows? Right? Yeah. By the way, people who complain about being cold all the time, forest fires might be a solution. I don't know. Oh, I get it.

I get what you did today. Whatever. Anyway, man, here's the problem. Here's one of the big problems. Federal wildland firefighters have dropped in 2011. There were 16,000. In 2015, 13,200. They're losing funding.

They're getting their budgets slashed. There's a website called wildfiretay. The Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee distributed this very interesting graphic on May 5th, showing that the exponential increase in the number of fires larger than 100,000 acres, what we call megafires. At first glance... Cool. Cool name. Yeah, they're mega-fi.

It is a cool name. It sounds like a mega-man villain. It's like super volcanoes. Yeah. Like yellowstone. Yeah. At first glance, it appears to indicate that between 1983 and 1996, there were one or fewer megafires per year.

But in the last 10 years, there have been... been more than 30 each year. Hmm. While the number of megafires has increased by a factor of almost 10, the number of wildland firefighters working for the five federal land management agencies has decreased by 17.5% in the last four years. Big problem. Less firemen, more fires.

That's what we got? Less firemen, more fires. There's actually a big graph on this website. I don't think this is like some official government website because it has like some little jabs at the political policies of the... of, I think, the Bush administration, because it hasn't been updated in a while. And they talk, although they have stats here from 2015. I don't know.

But they said, well, we keep slashing our budgets for firefighters, yet we're taking our funding and fighting wars all the way across the other countries. Yeah. That was one 9-11. Yeah, man. We're having a 9-11 every year in the forest, and nobody gives a fuck. Who's dying? What kind of people die in a forest fire?

Good people. The best people. Hikers? Salt of the earth people. For real, though. Who dies? Do you know? Yeah, well, there's residents who die.

People who are trapped in their houses. In the forest? In the forest, yeah, there's people, bears die. I'm sure bears die. Trout? I stopped a forest fire one time. Okay. I was driving.

So there's L.A. There's like the city of L.A. That's like a hideous urban sprawl. Yeah. Right? And then there's the... Accurate. Yeah.

Everywhere outside of L.A. is just the desert. Right. Because there's no water here. Yeah. I was driving back into L. with this girl and there was a fire

on the side of the freeway in an area that was covered with dry brush right? Like every year, every other year all of outside of L.A. burns down. Right. And this was around that time. And there was a fire there. It's like

holy shit. This is a, that's how it starts. Like this little fire becomes the mega fire. So I call, what? It may have been an intentional fire. You know, they do intentional fires. Next to the freeway? Next to the freeway with no fireman or cops or anything?

Yeah. Well, just a guy pulls up, an undercover fireman pulls up and lights a fire. It's like, oh, well, I got it. I'll stamp it out. Well, armchair firefighter over here. Maddox. Somebody probably threw a cigarette out of the side of the road. Yeah, probably.

Set a fire. So I call it in. I'm like, hey, I'm going to stop, I'm going to stop L.A. from burning. So I call it in, and I'm like, hey, hey, hey, there's fire, like mile marker, this. Probably the best call they'd ever gotten. Yeah. Like very specific. Wild Marker, South on the...

South on the 14. There you go. And they're like, all right, sir, thank you. And I was like, hey, hey, hey. Did anyone else call this in yet? Am I like the first one? Like, sir, we've really got to go. Like, if you have any more information, then please go.

But otherwise I got to go. And I was like, I know, but just like, can you ask around if anybody else called it in? What an asshole. Great altruism, Dick. So I'm pretty sure I did call. it in, otherwise they would have known. You stopped a big problem. You agree, they're big problems, right? Fire, uh, firefighter. Forest fires. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, big problem. Yeah, it's a big problem. Yeah, it's a big problem. Caused lots of damage. Biggest problem in the universe. Yeah, fucks up L.A. Fucks up L.A. Fux up L. Facts up lives. Again, uh, you have another 9-11 every year. Uh, ruins the forest. Yeah. Ruins the forest. You do need them. No, it doesn't ruin the forest. It lets it grow again. It turns everything into like, into, uh, nutrients.

What are you talking about? Yeah, the green, new forest grows. out of forest fires. It's like a cycle, I think. I think that's true. No, it is true. Yeah, nature needs forest fires. What? Yeah, there's certain trees that can only reproduce. I think the fire either opens up the fruit, the nut, the whatever, the cone. What, you're saying forest fires are good for nature? For nature, yeah. They're not good for humans, but they're good for nature. So you're saying that sometimes destruction of a forest is good, because in the future, It's better for the forest.

Isn't it, Dickhead? Fucking Broken Window Felsi! Shit on again! Boom! You really baited us right into that. Well done. So stupid. What a winner.

What a fucking champion. Oh man, I'm the smartest person ever. This was planned for weeks, Dickhead. Another fucking shit all over. The Broken Window Falsy. Fuck you. You know what? I was going to bring that up, but I thought...

I thought it would be. be like too boring and snippy to bring up the similarities? Such a genius. I'm the most brilliant. All right. Can we be done? My problems this week were people who complain about being cold all the time and forest fires. My problem is perfectionism. Great. Don't forget to vote on these problems and we may be bringing in I guess the Sean transcripts in the next bonus episode. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, and thanks for listening to the bonus episodes for the show. Thanks, guys.

Hey, idiots. How come you guys shit on your fans all the time but still relying on them for the most critical aspect of your show? Deciding what the biggest problem in the universe is. If you assholes are so smart, how about you just argue every episode and Sean allocates the upbos as he sees fit. And Dick. Oh. Nothing? That was it.

That was it? Just a big cocktees, I guess. Oh, I got the biggest blue balls to hear. Go fuck yourself. I don't shit on the fans. I think our fans are hilarious. I shit on the fans because I think they're idiots. I think they're big, dumb idiots.

And here's the thing. It's like a father who loves his child and wants him to do better. And you do that by hitting him over the head and saying, you're a fucking idiot, try harder. That's like me, guys. It's love. It is my way of expressing love. I forgot to bring that in as part of perfectionism. It's on the rise because kids are being parented than the way you just described.

What is? Perfectionism is on the rise in kids because they're being. They're feeling so much tremendous pressure. Good. Are they? I thought parents were being really kind and soft and gentle. B. B.

B. It's parents now who got like C's and B's in high school and college. Now they expect A's of their kids. Like kids are throwing up during standardized testing. It's out of control. Wow. Yeah. So it's getting worse.

So get ready for more shitty movies. Dick. Your fucking argument. That was pretty good, though. Let's see here. It's raining from Austin calling in here. Maddox, so at the end of the last show, you were talking about how sex in high school was lame and that you, like, experience chicks and all this stuff. It's the way he says it.

The only reason you're saying that is because you never did have sex in high school. You don't know what's up because you never partook in it. I'm pretty sure dick can get behind me when I say that there's nothing hotter than like a 17. year old virgin. Oh, no. Fuck you and have fun, having sex with your experience. Talk about bags of sand comment. This dips shit.

You think it's real hot to have sex with a virgin? Boo, pass. I have turned down more virgins in my life than fucking virgins exist. I am the virgin heartbreaker. That's what I am. Really? Why? Virgins come to me and they're like, Mad ox, Mad ox, please?

No. But now he's staying away. from elementary schools. Sean, why do you have to take my creepy comment, make it creepier? Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Dick, a couple episodes ago, you were shitting on, you were saying that bad blow jobs were a big problem. Guess who gives bad blow jobs the most? High schoolers. You know you're wrong about that. Or you're fucking wrong about that.

High schoolers, they're all fucking teeth, man. It's like putting your dick in a shredder. Anyway, that's it. Thank you.