The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 55

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back. We have just recorded episode, our bonus episode. Bonus episode eight. Yeah, bonus episode eight just came out.

That was a fun one. That was. All solutions this time. Let's say that. Last time we fucked up, we brought in a bunch of problems, it seems. Speak for yourself. I think our listeners fucked up by voting wrong. Idiots.

They don't have the intellectual capacity that I have. They probably can't even say it. I was going to ask guys. I was waiting for it. Or the ability to enunciate intellectual. There it is. Go check out the bonus episodes. Oh, I have a review because our bonus episodes are on iTunes as well.

They're supposed to be $199, but it takes a couple days for iTunes to fix the price because it's so long they automatically put $10 on it. Yeah, people send me emails and they say it's like $10 and I get pissed off because it's too low. I think it should be $100. Here's a review on one of the episodes, one of the bonus episodes by Uli Uli. Troyo. Don't you want to know what the solution to all the world's problems is? Don't you? From eschewing your useless meat body to paying more for things. Dick and Maddox are here to find a way to fix your petty existence. With luck, they'll even fix your ugly face, download or die. I love that review. Yeah. That better be five stars. I imagine it. Or a hundred stars out of five,

I gave the Mad Max movie that just came out recently. Well, yeah, you really liked that one. Yeah, it was a good movie. Have you seen it yet, Dick? No, no. Oh, man. Sean, did you see it? Yeah, I did.

Oh, my gosh. Did you like it as much as these guys? In some ways, it's one of the most impressive movies I've ever seen because they used almost no CGI. Like the stunts are incredible, but you have to be okay with having no characters and no story whatsoever. Absolutely hate that. No, I know.

What do you hate Dick? I hate having no characters and no story. hate that? Yeah, I need characters and story. That's why I go see a movie. Stupid. Dumb. That's the dumbest thing. I knew there was a problem when you gave it a hundred stars. I knew that it was like something like this. Yeah, the problem is I didn't give it a thousand. That fucking movie's awesome. Everyone's an idiot except for me. That movie was great. I'm gonna go see it again. I'm gonna see it every single, for every person who doesn't see it, I'm gonna see it three times. Well, you know what you're gonna see today is 30 seconds of Titanic. Fuck you dick. You fucking lost last, bullshit.

last week. I didn't lose. It's not a fucking competition. It doesn't even make sense. You know why? Dickhead, here's why the show's not a competition. First of all, because I don't want to always argue with you. And second, I voted up perfectionism.

I did. I thought it was a bigger problem. So last week. Really? I can check the database to see if that's true. Do it. All right. I'll give you my IP address.

It's 79. Fuck you. Anyway, I do have most of my IP address memorized. Anyway, perfectionism came in number one. of the problems last week, followed by people who complain about being cold all the time and forest fires. You guys all thought that all three of those were problems.

I do have a correction to make, though, Dick. Last week, I talked about how forest fires kill around 3,000 people a year. That is incorrect. The stats that I looked at from fema.org, I believe, were including all fatalities due to all fires, including residential. The forest fire deaths.

The forest fire deaths I cited the last episode included fatalities due to fire, not just forest fires. Non-residential building fire fatalities are much lower around 30 to 60 per year. And you still lost, even with a stable full of lies at your disposal. You don't lose, dickhead. We have to consider all the problems in the universe to find the biggest. This one, I got a lot of feedback on the perfectionism problem, which I was surprising to me.

Yeah. Because I didn't know it was such a big problem when I brought it in. I just brought it in to be a dickhead. I know. That's what everyone noticed in the comments too. They're like, Dick doesn't even know what he brought in. And then it turned out to be a really good rich problem. I can't identify with it at all. But people are, a lot of people are sending me emails, like heartfelt emails, about how it's kind of ruined their lives.

Like perfectionism has ruined their, they've sat on projects for years and never done them. Yeah. One, I want to read one specifically from Andrew Glover. Hey, Dick, I loved your podcast. I've been a big fan of you and Maddox for years. you both can continue to create great things. Last, the problem that you brought in on Tuesday resonated pretty strongly with me. A longtime friend of mine took his own life last Wednesday.

He was an absolute perfectionist and in constant mental pain. Thank you for bringing this problem that most people, including myself, are completely unaware of. Including me. I feel that the best way to honor his memories to share with what he has done, here's a listing of some of his amazing work. And he sent a link to, thanks for everything you do. He sent a link to this kid's art. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it's really, I brought some of it in.

You tell me, you know, no, I don't want to put you on the spot to judge a deceased person's artwork, but I think you would like it. Whoa, that is really cool. Like, legitimately, I was ready to shit on it. Right, yeah, I know, me too. That is actually really cool. Sean, we're looking at a picture of this guy. It looks like an elephant man. Yeah.

Done in a really stylish, a really cool style. It's almost like Earthroom gym style. Yes, it is. Right? Yeah. Elephant with a top hat, no eyes in his eye sockets. He's full of... Do you have any more of his art?

Yeah, I do. I got a couple. There's like an evil Ernie. Oh, man, that's super cool. I know. Isn't that cool? Perfectionist. Oh, it's gone now.

That sucks. This one's really cool. I like this one. Nope. Nope. The rainbow. Immediately the rainbow threw you off. Not a fan.

It looks... Although there are skulls at the bottom, which is pretty cool. I like that guy's art. I like that guy's art. Pretty cool, dude. Sorry for your loss. Sorry for our loss. You know, I just watched the documentary.

Some kind of heck. Whatever. Oh, no, montage of heck. the Kurt Cobain documentary? Here's my review of it. Thumbs down. Speaking of a perfectionist. It's kind of weird.

A daughter making a movie about her dead dad, right? Was it, though? I think her name was just attached to it as a producer. No, I read an interview from her about it. I did too. From in Rolling Stone, right? Yeah, I thought she was, I thought she put some effort into it. Did you think it was just attached?

Barely. I think that movie was more about the director than it was about Kurt Cobain. Because they kept, I mean, the word montage is not underplayed in the title. It is a lot of montages. And the montages have nothing to do with anything. It's just the director kind of like showing off his college art projects, his college, you know, film school project. Wow, I really hate that. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's just a bunch of like stupid animation and sketches and stylistic bullshit. Set to like Nirvana soundtrack? Yeah. And they did a couple interesting things. Like they told you a few things in his upbringing, his first girlfriend where he grew up, kind of interesting.

And then they played some versions of Nirvana songs done really stylistically like an acoustic and a piano version. Sounds kind of shitty. Yeah, it was pretty disappointing. And then the movie ends with, oh, Kurt Cobain killed himself. And then credits. Nothing.

That's where the movie ends? That's where the story begins. What are you talking about? Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. But it's the beginning of the story. Yeah, I mean, he only lived to 27 years old.

Everything interesting happened after his death. Yeah. Huh. Do you remember where you were when they announced that he was dead? Yeah, I was at home watching MTV. It was just like MTV News. Yeah. I can remember it exactly. And I wasn't a huge Nirvana fan.

I wonder if that's going to be like the moment for our generation that everyone remembers. No, that moment is 9-11, Dickhead. It's not when Kurt Cobain died. They don't have to keep reminding you to remember that Kurt Cobain killed himself. They got to keep reminding you about 9-11. Never forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.

You're like, why? Yeah. Okay. I got a voicemail for you. Yeah. Hey, Madog. This is hashtag dancing man. Just calling you to say that I actually love my party Saturday night.

Never in my life have I been in the company of such illustrious and beautiful women. Of course. All within a 20-foot vicinity of myself. Your unjustified complaints about my party have been completely rendered obsolete. The party had a party had a lot of, a DJ and even lights. Which you could have been there, but it seems like you never responded to your Tumblr invitation.

Oh, well, you're lost. Maybe you can make it out to next year's party. Here's the part where I would normally tell Dick to go fuck himself, but we raised $30,000 for the National Bulley Prevention Center in an effort to discourage that kind of behavior. Have a nice day. I bet you feel pretty stupid now. He threw out the first pitch at a Dodger game the other day.

That guy did? Did he have a heart attack? You know the grounds crew had to come out and build the mound back up. Oh, man. Yeah, I saw that pitch. I saw the dance party, too. Which, by the way, it is the most uncomfortable, awkward thing I've ever seen, seeing that guy dance on Good Morning America or whatever that show was,

where he's standing on stage with the girl who sings All About the Bass song. I don't know her names. You know that All About the Base? Yeah. She's on there, and then there's some other girl, and it's the three of them, standing on a stage dancing in front of thousands of people and in front of millions of people. It's disgusting. I won't go so far as to call it disgusting.

The spectacle of it is disgusting to me. These people throwing these like, I don't know what it called, this, um... Pity party, a literal pity party, but they're pretending it's not. It's like a very disingenuous celebration of nothing. Of like, it has nothing to do with him as a person. I don't know why it's disgusting me, but it really is. the whole spectacle is. I'll tell you what, Dick.

A lot of people have been sending me emails and saying, hey, man, they threw this party for the guy. Not necessarily throwing it in my face, but just pointing out that it happened. And it's irrelevant. It doesn't matter whether or not they throw the party. What the problem is, the damage is already done. You went on this national manhunt,

this international manhunt to find a guy against his own will and consent and pressured him into doing what he did. That's what happened. That's the damning part here. You know, Dick, everyone... Even though he had fun. Yeah. The outcome is irrelevant.

It could have turned out completely differently. You couldn't have known that that would have been the outcome. So you were not justified in doing what you did. There's that guy who in Idaho, this car went off a cliff, and it was teetering off a ravine. Just like in movies. And like out of nowhere, this reserve firefighter or whatever shows up, he just happily either be driving by or he saw it happen. He rescued this person and then didn't stick around to talk to media, didn't stick around to talk to reporters. Yeah.

He said specifically, I don't want to be found. I don't want any attention. I do that all the time. Leave me alone. What, dick. You do what? Save people on the side of the road and I don't want to be thanked for it, so I go home. Armchair hero.

Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Anyway, man, yeah, it's irrelevant. What happened after the fact is irrelevant. That's why I said in my story. It's irrelevant whether or not he wanted to be found. You didn't know that before the facts.

And by the way, Dick, when this happened, I looked up where the party was happening in Hollywood. And I found the location. And then I was going to crash this party. I was going to wear a disguise. Yeah, I was going to wear a disguise and crash this party. An additional beard over your beard? What kind of disguise were you going to wear? A clever one.

You know, I can wear a disguise. I'm not going to give it up because, you know, then people will know what my disguise is. Okay. But I was going to wear my disguise and sneak into this party. which you know I'm really good at doing. Yeah, yeah. I sneak in parties all the time. Then I started looking at photos and videos and pictures from Instagram.

All these fucking girls who are just going there and turning this into vanity. It's just narcissism. They were showing up at this party not because of this fat guy dancing. They were showing up to this party to promote themselves. Yeah. That's what was so disgusting about it to me is that all of this was narcissism and vanity. they weren't doing anything good for anyone. They happened to raise $30,000,

and they were pressured into giving it to a charity, not because they necessarily wanted to, but because they felt that, well, now we're going to look like assholes if we raise $30,000 and just piss it away on this giant party, which, by the way, they didn't hold in the L.A. Coliseum, that, whatever that place. The ghetto Coliseum. Yeah, the one that they were supposedly donated.

And Farrell didn't show up, like he said he was going to. That motherfucker. Yeah, he had a pre-recorded video that they played. the event. There's something very, there's something like, it reminds me of a very debauched, like aristocratic orgy when I think about it and when I see the kind of people who are participating in it. It's like the top, if like society is a glass of Guinness, it's the foam at the top that I could just lop off. Yep. Like that's who's at that party. Yeah, Dick, seriously, I was ready to walk out the door to crash this party and I got so

disgusted at the people who are there. Seriously, I never feel that viscerally. I rarely feel that viscerly. I totally agree with you. Yeah. I was disgusted with the vanity and narcissism I saw of these dickheads and I decided, you know what? I don't even want to be there for a few minutes, even to goof on them. I was going to show up, I was going to show up and take a picture of myself with the Sean O'Brien, the dancing man. Oh, that's his name? That's the name. Yeah, Sean O'Brien. I believe. I was going to show up and take a picture with him and maybe even like goof on him a little bit, but I thought, man, I don't even want to be there for a few minutes. I can't stand it.

Everyone looked like such a fucking huge asshole. His appreciation of it makes me think of like a male order bride. Like a bride who's been bought and paid for. And then she's like, oh, I love my life here. And I'm like, you don't really. No. Right? Like you can't.

You can't because this is sick and unnatural. And it's so condescending how they said that you were going to get all this attention from women, which is just totally not true the women look disgusted dancing with him. Like did you see the videos and the still shots? Some of them, some of them.

That made me uncomfortable. That's irrelevant because the guy, I think the guy's engaged. He has either a fiancee or a wife. He's either engaged or married, which is very condescending. You're saying essentially to this guy who's engaged,

oh, we're going to give you attention from women. Like you're assuming he doesn't already get it, you fucking idiots. Yeah. And then they had this choreographed dance sequence with a bunch of a bunch of a bunch of people

who showed up to this thing. It was a really disgusting spectacle. Very vain, very narcissistic. And that's coming from me, a guy who has a website called the best page in the universe. You are vain. And narcissistic, that's true.

All right, we're getting out of control. We already have a full show. Before we move on, speaking of vain and narcissistic, Dick, you know a long time ago, I brought in female genital mutilation as a problem. Yeah, it was gross.

Episode number 13, and it is currently number two on the biggest problem in the universe list. And just this last week, they banned female genital mutilation in Nigeria. Oh, good. Yeah. You did it.

That's right. I did it. It's all me. In fact, I have a little song I want to play as a commemoration for me in honor of me. Mad Ox is... Mad Ox is... Did you make this shit? Yeah.

Oh, man. What a winner Did you clear the rights for that? I don't need to No Hey remember when you said You would argue any Economist?

Yeah Okay somebody called in I think they're very serious about this All right Here you go Hello brother This is Hulk Hogan And let me see if I got you right

Jack Mad Mad Max wants to have a debate About economics We'll look no further Because Hulkomedia It accepts your challenge Next Sunday Live on paper view

From the Silver Dome We're not too long ago I body slammed $800 pound Under the giant from our 90,000 screaming Hulkomaniacs will debate about interest, and hopefully the inflation

there won't be from all the hot air coming out of your pie hole, brother. What are my credentials? They've got these two 28-inch bachelor's degrees in finance. Now, in the meantime, all my screaming like the maniacs and all your Maddox maggots can say their prayers and eat their vitamins

because Sunday, brother, what you're going to do when Hulk Hogan's investment portfolio runs wild on you? And that's a fat, Jack. You got any response for that? Uh, yeah, bring it, Hulk. Okay, fucking nerdiest Hulk Hulk

than I've ever heard. Amazingly, I'm going to play you another voicemail. This happened, totally different guy. Yeah. Maddox, I'm calling you out. This is macho man, lazy, and if you thought armchair economists were bad, wait until you get in the ring with a ring-side economist.

There's a reason that the WWE, the worldwide wrestling economist championship, It's made out of gold. We're going to get into the ring and I'm going to debate you into oblivion. I'll step you like a slim gym with a flying elbow drop over our breakaway podium.

I would love to hear your comment about that. Bitch. You have that whole tag team on you now. What were they called? The superpowers? The world wrestling economists. What were they called when they were a tag team? Matured man and Hulk Hogan.

Oh, I don't remember. They were called something. Big, the mega powers, I think it was. Yeah. Well, there you go. Body Slam used right through a broken podium, Falsy, Dickhead. Okay. Somebody sent in...

Oh, somebody sent in Alex Petruhevsky. Said, hey, Dick, if you're having a problem with bad blowjobs, this gal's got you covered. And it's a woman giving an instructional video. Oh, boy. Do you have any interest in hearing that? Not really, but let's...

I know you're going to play it. This is for real. This is the video? Now, this is my bonus technique, the grapefruit. Oh, I've seen this. Oh, you have seen it? All right, I don't want to bore you with the details if you've already seen it. Did you listen to that whole video, Dick?

Yeah, do you want to mean you to get to the good part? Yeah, it's pretty gross. You'll want to hear, yeah. For our listeners. Yeah, she cuts a hole in a grapefruit. This is her advice. Yeah. Cut a grapefruit into a section and cut a hole in the middle of it.

And then like a sex toy. Put the dick through the hole. Yeah, here we go. So what you're going to do is just suck his dick. That's like you said you were going to do. That's he's nice and you wrecked. That's it. She goes immediately back into talking.

Yeah. That's a real video show. And watching the video is just as disgusting as it sounds. Dick, I got a voicemail. This guy had a problem with what you had to say about cyclists, or as you call them, bicyclers. Evening, gents. I'm the co-host of the BBC's The largest piss take in the kingdom,

Cock Wankerson. I loved how I'm point Dick was with this all the lore's thing. 26 cyclists should all stop one by one at stop signs. It slows everything down to all bloody hell, which I guess Dick has a problem with. Yeah. Of 51 episodes now, my Yankee

counterpart has been going off at the seams about drug laws being stupid. Something about victimless crimes or whatever. Mm-hmm. I now realize he's been acting like a fucking idiot on purpose all time and is really one of the good guys. Anyways, Dick, love yourself satire. Especially how smugly you impugned cyclists for being smug.

Until next time, Dick, go fuck yourself. That was David Ellery. Yeah, man. So, Mr. The law is the law. You should follow the law. Mr. Burning Man drug user over here. Yeah, change the law. Okay.

What do you want me to say about it? You impugn cyclists. We're rolling through stop signs. God forbid. Do they follow the law or not? Are they a bike or a car? Are they a person or a car? Because I had to dodge one of these pricks on the sidewalk like two days ago.

Me rolling down the sidewalk on his goddamn bicycle. Wow. You know what, Dick? Cry me a river. When cyclists are responsible for 32,000 deaths a year, then come crying to me about us rolling through stop signs, Dickhead. Then I'll listen to your grievances about how bad cyclists are. And by the way, again, kiss our asses.

Because every time you're driving someplace, every single cyclist, you use. See, count that. Imagine that being another car that you're stuck behind. You're welcome. Yeah. I got one more voicemail. Hey, guys. Nice job actually getting a guest who doesn't fucking suck dick in trying to talk over you guys.

And I like he's fucking hilarious. He's on some fucking 7 a.m. radio shows that a bunch of fucking sad people listen to on their way to work. Nice job. I'm being, you know, I pay for your bonus episodes. So I'm, you know, I'm a consumer. And I appreciate that you guys You guys should bring this dude on more often And, you know

Maybe, you know, pump the brakes a little bit On a good friend Mysterious coconuts That was kind of funny, but, you know, I think he's a little bit obnoxious Keep knowing what you're doing. Yeah, unlike our callers. Yeah.

Unlike our callers who were never obnoxious. Stereos did send in a bit. Do you want to hear it? Yes. Or do we have time for that? No, let's hear it actually after the first problem. We'll tease that.

All right. All right. I got a comment from Daniel E. Warren, because I mentioned Socrates last episode and how I walked around without a jacket. Like an asshole. Like a cool guy. He says, if Socrates did it, Maddox is going to do it. Better watch out, teenage boys. Fuck you, Darren, Daniel, Daniel E. Warren. All right.

I got enough of these comments. All right. Oh, no, somebody sent in something about Fight Cade. Did you know about this? Yeah. I'm trying to put together this street fighter fight between you and this Matt Bear guy. Yeah, I looked into it. It's not an online streaming thing.

You have to download a client, which means it's easy to hack. Easy to hack. Yeah. You think this guy's going to hack a fight-kade street-fighter client? What do you think you're dealing with here? Neo from the Matrix? Come on. Don't push out, Maddox.

Is this just... No, man. I said, let's do it in a real arcade. I'll play against an arcade machine that hasn't been tinkered. All right, the promotion continues. Now I know what it's like to try to put a big fight together. Dick, can I get to the problems? Yeah, my first problem this week, possibly the biggest problem in the universe,

is voice recognition or speech recognition. Yeah. It's awful. It's awful. It's awful, man. Did you know the earliest form of speech recognition was from 1932 by Bell Labs? And it hasn't gotten any better. No, it's still just as shitty.

They built a single speaker digit recognition. system by locating peaks in the power spectrum of each utterance. Then in 1950s, the system had a vocabulary recognition of around 10 words. First of all, I call bullshit on that. I bet it had a recognition of maybe one word half the time. Or zero, like it still does. And then in 1969, an influential engineer named John Robbins and Pierce wrote an open letter that was critical of speech recognition research.

In 1969, this guy was way ahead of his time. He compared speech recognition to schemes for turning water into gasoline, extracting gold from the sea, curing cancer, or going to the moon. I guess he was wrong about most of those. Curing cancer, we've since cured some forms of cancer. We've since gone to the moon, and we can definitely extract gold from the sea.

He defunded speech recognition at Bell Labs. I guess he was wrong about the other stuff, though. Then, you know what, though? I was looking into this, and as a math guy, I was a math major in college, the mathematics behind speech recognition is truly fascinating. They use this thing called a hidden Markov model.

Have you ever heard of this, Dick? The hidden Markov model, HMMM. It takes a small interval signal, like a 10 millisecond signal, and then they approximate that to a stationary process, so it means it's not changing over time, right? It's constant with regards to time. Then they output a

small 10-dimensional vector every 10 milliseconds, which does a Fourier transform on this short-frame speech decorulating the spectrum using a cosine transform. I know it sounds like a whole bunch of math jargon, but essentially what they're doing is... It sounds just as good as the translations that comes out of it,

like total bullshit. No, it's not total bullshit. Yeah, but it doesn't work. That's what I'm saying. All of this, blah, blah, blah, sounds exactly like the transcribed voice... The transcribed voicemails that we get every week. Right.

Log in and read some of them. Yeah. Well, basically, what it means is they're trying to fit the waveform of your speech pattern to a recognized waveform. And so for those who don't know, which is the majority of people, because you're not math people, a Fourier transform comes from the simple sum of waves represented as signs and cosines. So, you know, when you take a pre-calculus class,

you see waves that come in signs and cosine. Everything can be represented. Every wave can be represented as a sum of signs and cosines. Every peak and valley can be represented as a sign and cosine, right? Right? I don't know. You're the math guy. You tell us.

It is. It is. And then, like, different amplitudes you're just multiplying by different coefficients. Since every wave can be represented as a piecemeal sum of signs and cosines, you could theoretically represent every sound utterance mathematically. The problem is, the more accurate you want that sound to be represented, the more data points you need, which means that the more complex mathematics need to be used to solve that problem.

That's why voice recognition is so shitty today. We're using our phone processors to do complex voice recognition when they're overburdened with free apps that sit there downloading shitty ads on your cell phones all fucking day. While your stupid iPhone is sitting there, is sitting there spending precious CPU cycles rendering window animations and glossy looking buttons your speech recognition software is choking yeah but i don't think it i don't think that's true it's true no it sends it off to the server the iphone doesn't do the syri doesn't do the voice

recognition itself it sends it off to the the mainframe sometimes you're right sometimes hardware will use cloud computing to do speech recognition which does a better job but the tradeoff is that you have to transport lots of data back and forth between servers you're essentially sending as much as much data as an MP3 file if you want voice recognition to convert a two to three minute conversation. So why does it never work then? This is just always shit. I'm serious.

Log in to our voicemail and read some of the transcriptions. It's awful. They're hilarious. Adobe used to have this thing in Adobe Premiere, the editing suite for video, that would do a transcription of your audio track. Right? They removed it after years of support. because they found that no matter how good it got, it just never got good enough. And same thing with, like, YouTube transcriptions.

That's why we pay Lori and Megan to do our transcriptions for our episodes, because there's just no solution out of the box that does a good job of it. So every time you hear anything about science, like about something amazing science is going to do, like a driverless car or drones flying shit, just ask yourself the question, does the voice transcription work and does the bathroom sensors work? Neither of them work, so whatever you're telling me

that you've invented is probably horseshit. Yeah, I agree, Dick. Throw the baby out with the bathwater. They can never make it work. They can never get at that final yard. They can make something that does something kind of cool sometimes, but it never works. I believe automated cars are going to work.

That technology has come so far in such a small, period of time. And by the way, automated cars rely on a very small set of rules. The driving rules that we have, they can be reduced down to a couple of pages, two, three pages. I'll bring in the Google self-driving car like next week or the week after that, because it's so fucking horrible. No, it's not. I think it's going to be the future. You would like that, but looking at how they did it, it's like, well, yeah, of course this isn't going to work. Of course it's going to work. It's simply scanning the environment for hazards and then trying to predict those hazards and

and trying to stop the car when it's supposed to. And it's a good technology, man. Right. Yeah, computers. Computers is also science. That works. The problem with voice recognition is that no matter how good it gets, nothing will ever trump the convenience and privacy of touch tones.

This fucking Steve Jobs has ruined this, by the way. We used to buttons on our phones. Voice recognition is the oral analog to touchscreens. Touchscreens look good and sound awesome in theory, but in practice they're inaccurate, smudgy, of shit that get what you're typing wrong 50% of the time, so your CPU has to constantly be checking every key you type against a dictionary hash trying to guess what inane comment you were trying to text. Ever been on a crowded bus or in public while you're trying to call your bank or phone company? You stand there like an idiot yelling speech access or checking over and over into your phone, and then they expect you to yell your bank account number or credit card information into your phone over and over again until their stupid fucking system gets it.

And even when it does get it right, it has to repeat it back to you to make sure that you've got every single digit correctly. And then you have to listen to the slow-ass computer read back a 16-digit code just so you can press 1 or say yes to continue. It's fucking awful. And the worst is when you call into an airline because they require you to say your confirmation code out loud, which is an alpha-numeric code, which makes it nearly impossible for the computer to distinguish from the letter C and Z or the letter T and D or the number 3. It's fucking awful. After spending five minutes yelling into the stupid voice recognition, it finally just puts you to a person, which is what it should have done to begin with,

which is what it has to do every time anyway. So now every phone call takes five minutes longer than it should have. Yeah, just hammer zeroes. Just like zero, zero, zero. Every time I call anywhere, as soon as the robot starts talking, I go zero, zero, zero, zero, zero. That's true, but that used to work more than it does now. Yeah, they've changed it specifically for that reason.

I totally agree with your problem. I cannot stand that. They're awful. When you're sitting there, yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Yeah. Why do they talk so slow? Like, why do this stupid computer lady have to talk so fucking slow? I think they've done studies and they found that if they talk slower, it'll calm you down, which it doesn't.

It pisses me off even more. They should have a button where, like, if you want the fast version, no, press the number of speed you want. So, like, one is the default. And when you call in, you press nine. Yeah. And she's like, oh, press zero to get connected to a customer service operator. You know, what I like, the innovation that should be the future. of customer support is online chat.

I love online chat because I can do other things while I'm waiting on hold, right? Or I like the service where you call in and the very few companies do this, but you can call in, and when you're put in Q, you put in your phone number and they will call you back as soon as it's your turn to talk to a representative.

That's cool. Yeah, some power companies do that. That's technology that I actually like. What I hate is when I do online customer support and I talk to the representative, they say, well, you have to call in and get this taken care of over the phone. Why? I have you on the line.

Why can't you take care of it? It's even, it's more clear because when I'm typing it, there's a paper trail of it. They don't want that. Speech recognition doesn't recognize names unless they're very common. That's another huge problem with it. They don't do well with accents or regional dialects. They don't understand tone,

nuance, or sarcasm. They can't get punctuation and grammar right. Speech recognition is awful. It's worse than spending a weekend with ISIS. I fucking hate it. I don't get why it doesn't even try to punctuate. Yeah. Like, I'll do a whole thing in Siri, and half of it will be correct. But there will be no periods. Like, no matter how long you wait, not even a comma. No. Not even an ellipses. I've said... Where's this technology? I've experimented with saying the word, really, every different way I can. Like, really? Really? Really? And it never adds a question mark to it.

Yeah. Do you think it's ever going to get fixed? I don't think so. I mean, I think they'll try and I think they'll add little things. But it's, but it's a... only going to get probably 80% there. Like 100 years from now, do you think we'll have speech recognition, like where you can talk into your phone and have it, or your watch if you're Dick Tracy? And it'll actually transcribe what you said? Fucking Apple Watch.

Yes, I think so. I think in about 100 years, I think the technology probably will be, we'll get to a point where it's better. I'm betting against us. I'm one of these guys that doesn't believe in the singularity, you know? Oh, yeah? Well, that's because you haven't tried the Oculus Rift, buddy. Virtual reality, it's coming. Yeah, but wait a minute. Virtual

is like several orders of magnitude harder than being able to transcribe the spoken word. And we can't even touch that. No, virtual reality has come a long way already. So has voice recognition? Like getting half the words right is okay. Voice recognition in almost a century is still garbage. Voice recognition, I feel like the rate at which voice recognition is improving is probably incremental. 10 years or so, every decade or so, voice recognition gets a percentage better, maybe.

Hmm. That's why I do think in 100 years it probably will be good enough. Because, like I said earlier, that 4E8 transform where they're just trying to approximate every single utterance and every single waveform in signs and cosines, the only problem, the reason we don't have it as good right now is because we are limited by our technology and capacity for computation. See, I disagree. This is what I think the problem is.

because I think everyone talks, like, everyone talks differently and weird. Like, have you ever seen what the eyeball takes in as an image before your mind processes it into what you see as the world around you? Like a heat map? No, no, no, no. Just like the actual data that your eyeball gets. No. It's garbage.

It's like a mess. How do they know that? I don't know. I just, I saw it online. I don't know. And I believed it. Let's just like, let's believe that for the sake of this of what I'm about to say. when you hear people, I think you're hearing a bunch of weird garbage too, and most of the words you get are based on like the context.

Like if that's true, computers are fucked. There's no mathematical formula that's going to pull the words that they're saying out of the noise. Well, that's true, Dick, but there is another possibility, which I'm afraid of, and I think that this is actually going to happen, is that our language is going to change and evolve over time so that it does become more computationally easy to recognize. we've already changed our language. Have you ever, like when you taught, the first time I ever talked to speech recognition, I realize, oh, this is not a human,

this is a fucking machine, and it needs me to enunciate properly. So I start speaking more slowly, I start speaking more loudly, and I start putting pauses in between my words, so the computer recognizes where one word ends and another word begins. Yeah.

So I think that over time, maybe our language will evolve to be more friendly to computers, so that maybe download, like, Already it has. Already our language has evolved. Even a generation or two ago, the amount of text abbreviations and emojis that we use were not around. For a speech pathologist, this is like a gold mine. You're seeing evolution in progress right now.

Oh, uh-oh. What? Okay, I got a real good source to run this theory by. Okay. My mom. My mom's a speech pathologist. Yeah. It's an exciting time for speech pathology right now.

Okay. Because they're seeing, in linguistics. Yeah, they're seeing the evolution of our language. So it's possible, I think, you know, again, an argument for the digital singularity, Dick. I think that our language will become more similar to computationally understood language and less like it is today. Oh, man, I don't know. I mean, just look at the language in the 1800s, The and I and they and all these archaic words that we're no longer using. Our language is evolved or devolved, as a case may be.

I don't know if it's like approaching a certain point, though. Like evolving just seems like it's kind of going randomly in weird directions. No, it's not evolution. No. That's, yeah, it is. That's evolution. Random? Yeah, that's the definite evolution, jackass. No. Random, yes it is.

Random mutations that through survival of the fittest, the good ones are weeded out. It's not survival. Evolution is random mutations. Survival of the fittest is the mechanism. It's not evolution. Evolution is where random mutations through the mechanism of the, Survival of the fittest turn into organisms that are more appropriately suited to their environment. That's evolution. It's random.

It's not specific. It's random. Not always. I don't think so. Yes, it's necessarily scientifically random. That you can't, like, evolve a thumb. You evolve weird shit that sprouts out, and then the thumb people happen to survive. Well, I'm not sure that it is random because you have those moths in forests that evolve to look like,

their surroundings. There didn't evolve bright fluorescent colors and then die off because their surroundings weren't bright fluorescent. There was a, there is. They evolved randomly in little bits, and they gradually grew darker and dark. That's why those like weird poison frogs are so bright. It's, they adapt to their environment. Their environment is a variable, so I don't think it's random.

Are you saying that the environment dictates the random mutations of their genes? It's not random. Oh, see. Yeah. It's not entirely. random. I think you're going to have an apology to make next episode. No, because the environment does factor into evolution. Evolution, the survival of the fittest thing comes from this other guy, Wallace or whoever. That's not, that didn't come from Darwin. That's not like a, that's not

Darwin's theory. I'm not quoting Darwin. Right. I'm saying evolution is random mutations. It can be, but it's not, it's not entirely random. The environment does play, does play into it. Because when you evolve, that phrase survival of the fittest, when you evolve, you evolve to be the best suited for that specific environment, not necessarily the best species ever. What are you saying? I'm saying that evolution does have to do with the environment. Are you sure we're talking about evolution?

Yeah. Are you 100% sure? Well, I think which species or which mutations that affect the animals are allowed to survive, they survive because of the environment that they're currently in. John, mutations, I think, are random. Yeah, absolutely. And then the ones that express certain traits, if they're in that environment at the time, they tend to do better. All right. Are you done?

Do you have anything to respond to that? I totally agree with what you're saying. No, I agree with what Sean said. The way he said it, he said mutations are random. But the way you said it did get made it sound like any mutation is fair game. Like any random mutation. Like there could be a fish that could grow human foot. That's just not what we see.

Yeah. That's why I'm saying environment matters. Environment does factor into it. Probably, I guess maybe it could. That's a pretty big statistical anomaly, though. Anyway, man. That's like Heart of Gold, Douglas Adams' level improbability you're talking about. I guess. Anyway, dude, speech recognition, that's my problem. And you have your Astero's bit, right? Oh, yeah. Boisterous coconuts here. I'm boisterous coconuts. And I'm a digital cyber demon. Bringing you the biggest problems on the worldwide web, it's this week in Internet hell.

Kind of a long intro on that one. No, I like it. Want to hear something that'll make you hashtag depressed? According to a study by Oxford University, the most important word to kids 13 and under is hashtag. Here's a list of words it beat. Bomb, death, food, perspective. Gremlin's, that blonde chick who played six on Battlestar Galactica. Gremlins, too, the new batch.

All more important words. Worse off yet, kids under 13 are using the word hashtag wrong. They're simply putting hashtags in front of words they think are important. Like, here's an example of a kid's tweet. I found a hashtag awesome box of porn in the hashtag woods. That doesn't make anything. Here's a far more logical tweet. Found a box of porn in the woods.

Hashtag blessed. Stupid kids! Stupid sexy kids. Oh, man, that's a digital cyber demon if I ever heard one. That's fucking awesome. You want another one? Yeah. Long-suffering nerds finally have something to celebrate

as Steve Wozniak is getting a wax figure at Madam Toussat. Oh, great. In related news, Madam Toussat has put in a French. take order for a shitload more wax. The statue of Wazdian, who single-handedly invented the Apple computer, will be placed next to a wax statue of Steve Jobs, so the Steve Jobs statue can cheat, scream at, and emasculate the Wazniak statue for all eternity.

All I know is foreign tourists love taking photos of wax statues they don't recognize or appreciate, so make some room in the basement for the statue of Steve Wosnihan. When you're my problem? That's great. Yeah, thank you. I think that's bad stuff happening on the internet this week. What?

Because he's a cyber demon. Yeah, he's very in tune. Yeah. Yeah. My problem is pregnancy. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

You ever been pregnant? No. It's horrible. I highly recommend against it. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, have you been pregnant, Dick? No.

Never. Thank God. So you remember the scene in aliens when that thing rips out of the person's chest? Of course, it's iconic. Pregnancy is a lot like that except it's worse. Yeah. It's because it takes nine months to get there. Go on, Dickmasters and tell me all about pregnancy.

It really fucks you up. Yeah. Like, I can't, after having seen it, I just got back from Indiana. I saw my sister who just had a kid. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Second kid.

For the life of me. She just had another kid? She had another kid. Oh. Yeah. Well, congrats, Uncle Masterson. Whatever. So, the first time, I chalk it up to inexperience, right?

Like, you didn't know how bad it was going to be. You didn't know about the bed rest. Like, you got excited. You watched too many movies, and you thought having a kid would be a good idea. Right? Second kid, what in the fuck? What is going on? It's supposed to be easier, right?

It's not your first rodeo. get it, you understand, ya, yada yitabba-bing. It is a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. It takes a lot out of you. Imagine having like a medicine ball in your body. Uh-huh.

It takes like, it takes, experts are saying a year or two for your body to go back to normal after that. I'm saying never. That's my position on it. It mutilates your vagina. Makes it look like hamburger helper. Have you ever taken a shit that required stitches afterwards? Because that's what we're talking about here with pregnancy. Yes, but I never got the stitches.

You're welcome, ladies. The pregnancy rate for U.S. women in 2009 was 102 per 1,000 women. So what is that? 10%. That's an epidemic. 10%. Let me compare that to other sexually transmitted diseases. HPV, new cases every year, only 4%. So pregnancy is, by far and away.

Chlamydia, 0.6%. Anybody can get chlamydia. You have no idea. who has it? I'd say 30% of the people in this room do. 0.01% of people get AIDS. That can't possibly be right. No, that is not right.

0.01%? What is that? Is that in America or worldwide? In America, maybe. America is pretty low. The prevalence of AIDS in America. That's low? That seems insanely high.

It's 100th of a percent, right? So what is that? One in every 10,000 people? No, more than that. One in every 100,000, I think. One in every 100,000? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, whatever. Pregnancy is by far and away, the biggest, the most out of control STD.

It is the worst SCD. I've always said that kids are the worst sexually transmitted disease. How do you get kids? Sex. Pregnancy. Yeah. Pregnancy. You can have sex and not get kids. Yeah. Pregnancy, oh man, most of the time turns into kids. Yeah, that's true. US spends $7 billion every year due to the cost of teen pregnancy.

Here's some of the cons of pregnancy. You got a bunch of semen in you, first of all. That's gross. Gross. Yeah. Probably, probably some dicks. At least one. Probably, not always.

No drinking. You can't have caffeine. You can't have cigarettes. Oh, no. You got to limit your sugar. What's going on? You're not into this problem? No, no.

I'm into it. It's just cigarettes. It sounds like, of course, you can't have cigarettes. You're going to have a kid. You don't want that kid being born, stillborn, or whatever. But it's just interesting, Dick, that you bring in pregnancy as a problem because, oh, boy, what was it? Dick versus Dick

You prepared this When you heard my problem? I got an impromptu Dick versus Dick Way back when Dick I don't know if you remember Episode 1 I brought in families

Is a problem And you can't have a family Without pregnancy So what say you, Dickhead? I'm saying that's a big problem Are you not listening Do you have shit in your ears? You're saying families are a problem now?

No, I'm saying pregnancy is a big problem Okay, so why were you arguing that families weren't a problem because without pregnancy there would be no families. Well, let's fix it. Let's do something about that. That's all I'm saying. Let's grow some babies in the lab, like in the Matrix. I'm okay with that. Because this

shit, this shit, wreck putting a medicine ball through your body and getting, having bed rest from like for like months, months of your life and 20% of pregnant women are prescribed bed rest every year that goes from like some weeks to a couple months. That's got to stop.

Yeah, it's pretty awful. And we got to find a better way. pregnant women always feel nauseous. You know, there's this stereotype that pregnant women feel they have morning sickness or whatever. It's not just morning sickness. They're nauseous all the time. And it takes a lot out of them. They're weak and they don't want to do anything and they just want to sit down and you've got to carry watermelons for them next thing, you know. During pregnancy, the enlarged uterus can cause pressure on your bladder too so you could piss yourself.

Yep. At any moment, I guess. Yeah. And you always think as a kid that having sex with a prego would be awesome. Sorry, what? Like, because then you got the baby in there and you're like, ah, you're poking the baby too, right? When you say you, you mean I. Right?

You, Maddox. You thought, no. I definitely never thought having sex with a prego would be awesome. When was this? I don't know. You know, when you're still a dumbass high school kid and never had sex before and you're thinking, Oh, yeah, man, I can't wait to grow up And I'm gonna bang a chick and her baby

Like that's kind of cool Like, you know, you're banging both That's that's odd That's two for one Max, that's horrifying Yeah Are you high? That's disgusting

I know, it's gross man I'm not saying I'm into it But you were at one point No man, it's like that stupid high school thing Where you haven't, like If you're still like inexperienced in high school Which by the way, Dick, a lot of people called you out in the last episode.

You keep busted my ass about bags of sand comments. I never hear specifics when you're talking about sex. You are the ultimate bag of sand, buddy. I described three horrible blowjobs two episodes ago. What do you mean to talk about? Go ahead. No, you didn't, no, uh-uh, uh-uh, no. Yeah, you just, you're just never very specific.

You're being real spacey right now. What's up? What's going on? I'm not spacey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're being very, like, spacey and weird. What's going on? This is the most in tune I've ever been my life.

Okay, what would you like me to describe about sex? Nothing. I mean, I don't want to hear it. It's just people have been noticing, Dick. You're going to be more specific. A general... You have to be more specific. Because the general sandiness is coming from that side of the room. I don't know. I wish you would elaborate more on what you're talking about,

but it's very like wishy-washy. The moment is lost. I don't know. I would have to find the specific comment from the last episode, but people in the comment section, I'm sure, are going to fill it in. But anyway, yeah, go on. To go on with your pregnancy problem. Hemorrhoids?

You can get when you're pregnant. Hemorrhoids are pretty awful, I've heard. Postpartum depression? Yeah. Feeling restless or irritable? Oh my God, every girl I've ever dated has been pregnant. And... Sad, depressed and crying a lot, same.

Yeah, the postpartum depression is a real thing. Like, that's what makes moms go fucking crazy sometimes. It just drown their babies. Yeah. It's the thing that happens. You learned that on this show. What? Having no energy also.

Yeah. Headaches. Oh, my God. And what about the fathers? These poor guys have to put up with this. Yeah. And you know as a father, you're not getting laid for at least eight months.

Yeah, and not because you can't. I also found that that no sex during pregnancy is a myth. Yeah. So. Yeah, again. That is a myth. Yeah.

My buddy, a doctor told my buddy and his wife that they should have sex. Like, you guys need to have sex. He got a doctor to tell his wife that? Tell both of them that. Oh, wow. Was it doctor friend? Hey man, do you pull my wife aside and just tell her we need a bang? Keep it fair, Doc, give it fair.

He's 100 bucks. Yeah. Yeah, big problem, Dick. I agree. Pregnancy is a big problem. Guys, don't do it. You got every asshole in the world telling you what to do when the baby comes? Yep, that's awful.

That's unsolicited advice. Dick, I just... Save the placenta. Oh, that shit's awful. You're being real weird about this. What's the deal? Do you not like talking about, like, pregnancy? No, man. I mean, yeah, it's gross and weird, but, you know, I just can't help but think, like, way back when...

Dick versus... It's a two for you got to do double. It's a both. Remember, you were the one who brought in condoms as a problem, Dick. I don't understand how is this even a problem in your universe when you also think that condoms are a problem. I'm really good at pulling out. I have incredible control over my body. Yeah. Doing leg day, we'll do that. Yeah, I bet. Oh, okay. Yeah, like you know about like day or pulling out.

Do you think I don't like condoms because I want to knock girls up? Well, I think that it definitely is a risk. Because even if you pull out, there are things that can happen. There's pre-com and things that get... Yeah, you can absolutely get a girl pregnant pulling out. Yeah. Not me. A normal man, maybe, but not me.

Yeah. Mr. Dick Masterson. Quickest draw on the West. So was that the entire Dick versus Dick? usually you have clips to put on that. No, no, no. Because what am I going to bring in the entire fucking episode where you talked about condoms or the entire fucking episode where you talked about families? You think that families aren't a problem, yet you do think that condoms are a problem, and you think that pregnancy is a problem. Pick your poison, dick. Which is it?

I don't know how to explain this to you. First of all, you can have a family without being pregnant. Okay, adopt, you weren't talking about adoption. When? When was I not talking about adoption? The first episode. You were defending families. Yes, I will still defend families. Families are garbage. All right. Families are strangers that you didn't pick who have decided to raise you. Your dad.

Who you're exactly like. No, you're not. You are exactly like your parents. I am nothing like my parents. Name one thing that they do, and I guarantee there's an analog in your life that you do do do. I don't do. I'm not a gambler. There you go.

My parents are huge fucking gamblers. I don't fucking gamble. I think that's, that shit's boring, first of all. You don't suffer from the gambler's fallacy at all? The gambler's fallacy? No. Yeah, because that's what makes people gamblers, right? No, it's not just that.

It's complicated. It's depression, usually. Its environment is depression. This shit's about to go to Depression town. But yeah, man. That's also a symptom of pregnancy. Yeah. When you're pregnant, you've got to have conversations

about whether or not you're going to abort a retarded kid. No one wants to have that conversation. I'll do it. I'll have that conversation day and night, buddy. I've had that conversation in bars and restaurants. Is that, like, if I'm sitting around, it's an interesting thing. But seriously, ma'am, I'll let you get back to your dinner. Yeah.

Shut up, John. No, but it's something that you have to consider that you shouldn't, you shouldn't wait to have that conversation when you're pregnant. Because then it's too late. Because then what if you find the love of your life, this woman or man that you want to have a child with, right? You could do adoption. I guess adoption is not really a consideration.

But let's say you find a woman. You can't abort a retarded adopted kid. You're right. No, no, you can't. But I guess a lesbian couple could still have an invetero child or a surrogate child. They could have invetero fertilization, right? Yeah. So they do have to have that consideration.

What if that child shows signs of autism in the womb or Down syndrome or some severe psychological disorder or physical disorder, would you then have that... I mean, when you're pregnant, it's too late to have that conversation. You need to be talking about that at bars and restaurants. Not for the woman who's pregnant. It's never too late to have that conversation.

I guess. Yeah, because they could do whatever they want. Get it out of your system early, man. Then you don't have to talk about it when it's in the womb. Yeah, but you still might, no matter what you decided before in your intellectual wonderland of what if, when there's a fucking baby in your body,

it's a new conversation. I don't know, man. Sounds awful. Don't kid yourself thinking that you can just say, oh, well, darling, we actually had this conversation. I don't know if you remember, and we already agreed. So why don't you go ahead and take this to relationship court and flush that baby out of the system?

Oh, dick. It sounds like you know a lot about pregnancies and being a woman and having a child in you and first-time child expert. That's you go vote it up, people. How is that a first-time child expert? You sound like you have ovaries. You sound like you know what it's like. And I think that's because you are so close.

to your family and your sister, which, you know, I'm not going to impugn you for that. Your family's awesome and your sister's cool, but I think you don't know her first of all. No, I met her. All right. Go ahead. No, she's cool. I mean, is she not cool? I'm just saying, I don't know if she'd take that as a compliment.

Coming from me or at all? Coming from you. Oh, great. You know what? I take everything back. Yeah. Anyway, man. Anyway, you sound like, you sound like someone who has ovaries.

You don't think this is a big problem? I do. I never even thought about it. Like, I just. thought about it as a function of life until I dated this girl who said, and she was very matter of fact about this, she's probably a

lunatic, she said if she ever wanted to get pregnant she would just pay a surrogate to do it. Yeah. And I was like, I can't tell if that's the smartest thing I've ever heard, or if I should just immediately break up with you. Because I totally, I can't see any problems with that. And I think it's amazing that you thought that through.

Yeah. But there's got to be something unnatural about that that I'm not seeing. It's good that she came to that conclusion, but it's bad that she was able to come to that conclusion. Right, right, because that should be the only conclusion. Like, if I can afford it, of course I'm going to pay somebody else to get pregnant. Why do I want to deal with having my body stitched back together for two years? But why are you thinking about this?

Yeah. I don't, maybe it's just an idle thought. Because it's got to be on chick's minds, right? That's a problem. Look, I'm saying without a shred of snark or insincerity, I think it's a huge problem and I'm going to vote up pregnancy There you go

All right, great Then you got to pick a name How about that? That's a big fight waiting to happen Nope, Maddox, every time Anyway, Dick, you done? You got anything else? Yeah, no, no, no, no, no

I'm done, I'm done That's it, that's my problem Go ahead Yeah, speaking of a... You're in a real weird mood today Yeah, I don't know, I don't know Have you ever knocked anyone up? No, I've got plan B a couple times.

Yeah. Plan B is my plan A. Singing in no condoms. So you don't use condoms either? I mean, not if I have to. Not unless I have to. Oh, okay. Yeah, you know, I'm with you, Dick. I mean, the condoms suck, but, you know, they have a purpose. And I don't think that, I think the majority of people should use them. The purpose is ruining erections. That's their purpose.

Yeah, plan B is my plan A, and my plan, my actual plan B is prayer. That's all I got. But Dick, good problem. But speaking of things in the oven, my second problem this week is pizza snobs. Pizza snobs. Yeah, smart. Genius. Clever.

That's me. Pizza snobs. So you're talking about condoms ruining the fun? How about this for ruining the fun? A fucking pizza snob. I won't shut the fuck I'm letting you eat your meal. Are we about to hear someone who's an extreme pizza snob? No. Okay. I'm just wondering.

You know, I just have a question to all pizza snobs out there, and you know who you are. You know, you think you're not one, but you are. Can you just shut up? Please. Just take ten slices of pizza. Shove it down your throat as far as possible so you can't breathe, then throw yourself off a cliff. I'm so fucking tired of pizza snobs, man. Yeah. Just hang yourselves with barbed wire. You're making life a little grayer for everyone else.

Every time you bitch about pizza, nothing will ever. make these dildos happy. They think they know the best pizza like there's some universally agreed upon standard. The closest thing to a universal standard of pizza comes from Rome or Naples, Italy, where pizza was invented. Supposed, by the way. Ancient Greeks had a flat bread called Placos, Placos, something like that. Anyway, it had herbs, onions, and garlics as toppings.

It's not exactly a huge innovation to take bread and put stuff on top of it. Yeah, I don't think so either. Fucking idiots. Everyone acts like they are such a fucking... fucking expert when it comes to pizza. Wait, what is a pizza snob? What the hell are you talking about? Well, first of all, the majority, I look this up as actual true statistic in the

Encyclopedia Britannica, 90% of pizza snobs come from New York. Do you know that? Yeah, they all come from New York. They think they know a good pizza, these fucking assholes. And every time you take them anywhere, anywhere that's not New York, God, a New Yorker is the worst person to get pizza with. because they won't shut the fuck up about it and eat it and just die. Hmm.

What? Who did you hang out with recently from New York that did this to you? Oh, it's not recent. It's all my life. Anyone from the East Coast... It's not even New York. It's from the East Coast, period. Boston, close enough.

I guess you guys know pizza. So they shit on your pizza? Yeah. Is that the problem? I just haven't experienced people shitting on my pizza. Oh, no, it happens. East Coast is always exactly like that. And they've been out here for more than half their lives.

and all they do is bitch about the food. Yep. Especially pizza. Hey, go back or fucking make it yourself, you fucking idiots. And it doesn't matter. I did a video about this about pepperoni pizzas a while back. No, specifically about people from New York, the things I hate about New York. The number one thing I hate is that New York pizza snobs, no matter what you do to the pizza,

they will complain. If you import the water from New York, which some places out here do. There are places in California that import water from New York. They import the dough from New York. They import the ingredients. Anything you import from New York, sorry, not the same. Oh, it's the oven.

And then they make up some bullshit scientific sounding explanation for why it's infinitely better from New York because the oven has little molecules of charcoal that land on your pizza and make it different. And you have little minerals in the water. And blah, blah, blah, blah. Shut up. It's just fucking dough with tomatoes on it, idiot. Yeah. It's not gourmet ingredients.

You can't control, first of all, from one batch of tomato sauce to another, the acidity changes, the sugar content changes, depending on the harvest that year. You think grapes are the only thing that weather affects? No, man, tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, Rome tomatoes, they're all different. Every time you have a harvest of any kind of fruit or vegetable, it's affected by the environment. You can't control a pizza any more than you can control a vineyard. Well. What? I don't know.

I don't run into all these pizza snobs. You've got to get better friends. Oh, man, they're everywhere. And it's mostly... Do people you not know strike you as pizza snobs, or is it just people you know? Like, is it just acquaintances of yours that act like this? And this could be for you, too,

because I have not encountered any of these... I know a lot of people from the East Coast. Are they friends of yours who talk like this? Acquaintances and friends. Yeah. Okay. The people I know the least are the loudest and most obnoxious about it, too. I will run into just straight.

Rangers who come to your land and they're just bitching about the pizza. Hmm. Like they fucking know any. And by the way, the pizza that they like, the best pizza, you know, you go to New York, you're finally there. You're like, okay, shut the fuck up. Take me to your mecca, your pizza mecca. Show me, show me what a real slice is like. They'll take you to some dog shit little hole in the wall place.

Oh, you got to check out DeFournos. You got to check out DeJarnos or Johns or Jaws or whatever the fuck. They'll take you someplace and they'll get you a plain slice of cheese pizza. with no toppings on it, which, by the way, is not how fucking pizza is supposed to be eaten. In Rome,

you go to Rome, pizza has toppings, all kinds of toppings. They have scallops on there. They have artichos. Yeah. Rome's its own thing, too. Well, yeah, Roman style is different.

Roman pizza is like its own thing. It's way different than Naples. Well, yeah, but Neapolitan style, too, is nothing like New York pizza. New York pizza, they give you this flat, soggy, sad,

looking triangle that you pick up and it's so floppy, it can't even hold its structure. Yeah. It has less structural integrity than a piece of cardboard. A lot of grease, too.

Very greasy. And you fold it like a calzone and you shove it in your mouth like this sad, folded, dollar slice of ingredients. And by the way, you're paying a dollar for a slice. What? Is that a lot?

Quality. No, it's not. Oh, yeah, okay. That's my point. What, how high quality do you think the ingredients are for a dollar, idiot? Are they, are they snobs because they, like, have some kind of attachment

to their home pizza? Like, are they treating it like a sports team? Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what it is, Dick. They are treating, they are saying that we are better than you. It's just something to be smug about. Oh, I know you hate that.

Yeah. Anyone's saying they're better than you, I know you hate. Oh, because it's not true. I'm the best. So you got pizza snobs, wine snobs. Yeah. All food snobs. All food snobs.

And by the way, I know it sounds like a contradiction that I was saying that it only cost a dollar, so how high quality could those ingredients be? but there is a lower limit on how much you should spend on ingredients. But if you're spending a dollar for the finished product, even if it's a slice of pizza, if you multiply that, what's that, like $10 for an extra large pizza? Because those New York slices are big. It doesn't matter because no one agrees with you on that steak shit anyway.

Everyone knows that more expensive ingredients means a better product. Wrong. Even butchers wrote in. Like chefs wrote in to say how stupid you are on that. I had butchers right in. And by the way, I just, I keep posting video after study. after video, after study of people saying that the wine tasters are full of shit, that higher quality wine doesn't necessarily correlate with price.

Wine, yeah, but not meat. Not steak. No, $50 steak is going to blow your mind. $30 steak? Nah. Not necessarily, man. It depends on the skill of the chef. Depends on...

Yeah, and by and large, those chefs are not working at restaurants that charge $20 for steak, because they are cashing in on their skills. That's how the world works. It's possible. It's possible. But I'm saying you're not necessarily. And by the way, you don't, you go to a high-end steak shop. You're not necessarily going to get a better steak.

You're going to pay more for it. All right. Well, pizza snobs? Pizza snobs. That's my problem, man. I want to know who are these pizza snobs in your life. Everybody. Everybody's a pizza snob and an idiot.

Except, like, people who, you know, blue-collared worker, the salt of the earth workers, good people who just eat pizza and shut the fuck up. They're my friends. Those are the people I like. Yeah. Are those the people you brought in as, quote, dumb people on the solutions episode a month ago? Some of them, yeah.

Some of them are dumb people. Some of them are people who I don't hold in very high regard for their intelligence. But I do appreciate them for their contributions towards society because they're doing jobs that I wouldn't. I think that those are people who are cogs in the machine working, boring jobs, eating their simple pizza. I'm okay with those guys. But then there's the people who like, they like good pizza too. There is such thing as good pizza, right? I mean, objectively, is there?

Sure, it's pizza. I mean, I don't know. And then there's no standard definition of pizza. Every culture has their own version of it. Have you ever had Wahakin pizza? It's totally different animal than Italian pizza. Is it flat bread with stuff on it? Basically?

It's a pizza. There's Armenian pizzas. They put this little thin meat paste on it. There's Greek pizzas. There's Mexican pizzas. Who's got all this time to have opinions about pizza? Like, what the hell is wrong with you? Not you.

What's wrong with these people? I know what you're saying. The second worst offenders are Chicagoans. They're not as bad as New Yorkers because they know that not old pizza is trying to be Chicago-style pizza. The crust is more similar to a pie crust than it is what you would think of as a pizza crust. But it's a different food product. And I think Chicagoans know that not-old pizza is trying to be Chicago-style pizza. So when you take them out to eat pizza, they shut the fuck up and enjoy it.

you move on with the night and go have dinner, go to a bar, and talk about aborting an autistic child. You can enjoy the rest of the night. That's how they are in Chicago. They like bonding over positivity. New York seems to like bonding over negativity. I guess we do that in L.A., too. They're just never happy, man.

Anyway, pizza snobs. You got another problem? I got one more problem. I only brought it in because I went to the Indy 500 last weekend, and my cousin was there, and he was a listener of the show. Oh, cool. He drives. He drives all day. That's all he does is drive. So I'm bringing it in this problem. He was in studio once for a live episode, right? No, no. This guy lives in Nebraska. He drives around Nebraska, you know, the most fun place in the world to drive.

Yeah. Opposite. Opposite if that is true. Track, and I think even you can get behind this problem. Tractor's pulling out in front of you. Oh, all right. On the highway. Legally allowed to drive 20 miles an hour, gigantic tractor takes up the whole lane. There you go. That's a problem. Big problem, Dick. You know, I failed my written driving test like five times. Because every time I took the test, they would throw some screwball problems on there about

tractors and military vehicles and tanks and shit. I'm like, I don't know any of this. What are you kidding? The whole test was that? How did you fail it? Because I could only miss two questions. And every time I took the test, the randomized set of questions that would come up

had a tractor question on there. And to the point where I overheard the test giver to pull my mom aside and ask if she thought that I needed reading comprehension someone

and then college found out that you did fuck you dick right you got put in remedial that's writing asshole same thing fucking dicks

I passed the test perfectly when there were no stupid tractor questions on it what did they make a special did you argue with them I told them yeah I said guys

and they're like it's just randomized sorry and I'm like every time it's randomized and keep getting these tractor questions. They kept asking me like what the, what the optimal speed was to pass a tractor and when a

what roads, rural roads or side roads, tractors could go on and tractor this and tractor that. A tractor with a toe, a tractor with a till. A tractor lights reflecting, reflectors on a tractor. It just kept asking me, it's tractor questions. I don't fucking know, man. I know it's Utah. I know it's fucking backwoods, Utah, but I don't know these tractor questions. It wasn't in the booklet. That's a big problem. Yeah. I failed, I failed the same, the written test, one, time. I passed it the first time. Yeah, of course, because it's an easy test. It's like, great. Rob it in your face. Your friend, make me feel small. Yeah, I passed that and then at some point years, years later, like when I was an adult, my, um, my license expired. I was in a situation

where my license, my registration, and my insurance had all lapsed. Yeah. Like one, one lapsed, and then the other lapsed, and I couldn't get the first one back until I got the second one back, and it's like compounded until I had lost all three. Great. So I was just driving around basically like an illegal immigrant for nine months. Yeah. I finally got my shit together. A Persian illegal immigrant.

God damn it. I finally got my shit. No, I had my, I had my FSO truck at that point. So I had an F-150 then, which you may, which you might hear. F-150, I get it. You might hear it referred to as a F-S-So by an illegal immigrant. I got to the DMV to get my license, and I failed the test, and the girl just said, like,

eh, you got most of them right, though. What? She was like a young, cute girl, and I was, like, okay, you passed. And that was it. And I got it all back. Or else I would have to wait, like, six weeks to take it again or something crazy. Well, it's a good thing that that wasn't a hazard for your driving later on,

years later, rain slick dick. Oh, well, that wasn't on the, oh, it might have been. I don't know. Maybe that's what I missed. Yeah, I'm sure. Well, I'm glad, yeah, I'm glad you pass that test. And yet cyclists... Dick versus...

What is this now? Cyclists are your problem for not obeying traffic laws, yet you're okay with passing a test you didn't actually earn that you didn't actually pass. Well, yeah, I'm okay with me doing anything wrong. Okay. I don't... Maddox, the amount that I care about... Like, I know you think that you are, like, part of society and, like, everybody's equal, and they should all be... obeying the same laws and like contributing the same amount because you're fucking communist.

Because that's normal. This is, yes, thank God it is. This is how I think. Imagine like a hockey stick. Like that, the exponential graph. Yeah. I'm at the very top. Yeah.

Then a geometric factor down from me is my family. Then the next one down is my friends. Near the bottom. Probably in the bottom 33%. And then the next spot on that curve, which is way out to hell is everybody else. Okay. Fuck them. Where would you put me?

Right now? Yeah. You're working your way back up to the friend zone right now. What an asshole. What an asshole? This is the abuse I get every week. All right. Anyway.

I'm like bullshit. My problems are pregnancy and tractors pulling out in front of you. And my problems are speech recognition and pizza snobs, worst problems in the universe, I would say. Right after monkeys and female genital mutilation. Voted up, people. See you next Tuesday. I'll play another hysterios bit. How about that?

Yeah, I love those. Upper middle class whites have something new to complain about, as hackers have discovered a way to crash iPhones with a text message. The bug is caused by a glitch in the way iOS renders the Arabic language. What's next? Text messages filled with Sharia law? No, thanks, Obama. I am now going to read the text.

message that crashes iPhones. So if you're listening on an iPhone, watch out. Uh-oh. Apple sucks, Apple sucks, Apple's stupid Apple sucks. Steve Jobs was a loser, and I'm glad he's dead. This text will crash your iPhone. You were just on Tinder. Now your phone's a cinder.

It's time to say goodbye phone. You were Facebook stalking. Now your phone is crippled as Stephen Hawking. I don't know that guy could say. Yeah, that's brilliant. Good job, Mysterio. And in closing news, the internet this year will have over 3.2 billion users. And yet you, the listener, still have zero friends.

What a world! That's all for this week. This is boisterous coconuts reminding you. The internet is go. Bravo, Sirius. That was, that's probably my favorite of those bits I think he's ever done. That was really good. Oh, here's a voicemail that I think.

think you'll like. No, I won't. Hey, Dick. I was just wondering, when you're going to talk about your next book, the sequel to the men are better than women. Men turning into women. Because I mean, I'm just guessing you're just going from experience now. Go fuck yourself.

I told you you you would like that one. What a perfect episode to bring that into. How's your new book going, by the way? Yeah, let's not talking about that. It's going fine. How many pages? What did I guess last time? Ten? How many? You know, page count, word count. Those are all just numbers.

Doesn't matter. you need is the title, really, to sell a book. Yeah. You know what, Dick? Go fuck yourself. You got anything else? That puts the meanie in Armenian. That's pretty funny.

That's got one more. Another president called in. Oh, great. Hi, guys. This is former president, Jimmy Carter. I'm still alive. And I wanted to join the ranks of the presidents who told Go fuck himself.

So, Dick, go fuck yourself. That's me, Jimmy Carter. That's how I thought. Why do they all say that? They're all different people. They say, this is how I talk. Well, because you want to know that that's how they talk. That's how I leave voicemails.

Hey, it's Dick. This is how I talk. Maddox, we still get in lunch tomorrow. Otherwise, I don't know who it is. Can me Sean? Could be my mom? I have no fucking idea. Well, I said my name, but then I also add,

this is how I talk. It could be my mom doing it a little joke. You don't know. Hey, Maddox. Maddox, do you want to get lunch? I'm like, who is this? Oh, it's Dick. This is how I talk.

Oh, okay. I have one. This one was sent in by David Ellery. It's a little song he found. Oh, good. He sent this in for our anniversary episode. We ran out of time, but here it is. If you could read my mind, love.

What a tale. My thoughts could tell. This is not a problem. For me, like we're not just, this is not a show of personal gripes, right? Of course not. This is like a problem. This is a real problem for the universe. Remember saying that, Dick? Yeah, I still, uh, I still believe that.

You still believe that? Yeah. Pregnancy? Yeah. Every life form in the universe gets pregnant. Well, listen to this. I got a real measly annoyance for you. Like usual, what is it?

Guys asking other guys about their dog. Everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. A table Nazis. The U.S. soccer team sucks. The movie Frozen. Not enough bartenders. Leaving your fly open. Know it all masseuses.

Missing your fantasy football draft. Fireball, cinnamon, whiskey, quote unquote. Not hugging Android fan boy cheerleaders like you, who would rather jerk each other off with statistics and features in a fucking basement building their PCs than talk to a person on the phone like a human.

Snapchats of not tits. Chatty Uber drivers. Cop motorcycle fairings. Undercooked rice. Goofy lightsabers. Changing your sheets. The no fun league. Wash me.

Oh, man. That's like every single problem you've ever brought in. Measly annoyances. Good job, Dick. Glad you. Thank you.