The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 56

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, episode 56. Guys, last week, I learned something about our fans. I learned that many of them live in the Dust Bowl.

Where do you guys live that you're encountering so many tractors all the time? Maddox, and the little place between L.A. and New York that's called America. The Depression-era Midwest? How many... I've been to... I've been there. I grew up in Utah. I didn't even encounter that many tractors, and I had it five times on my fucking written test. Did they farm anything in Utah, though?

Yeah, ass. Sean, is that true? Do they farm any ass in Utah at all? I looked high and low, and there was no ass to be found in Utah. I bet you looked high. Did you check every crack? Ah, good one. Here's the thing why.

Here's why that was supported. Because all you have to do is encounter one or two. Like these guys driving in small dirt roads from, from one place to another in the middle of America. They just encounter one tractor a year, man. And they were extra passionate because that motherfucker can drive on the side of the road. That tractor can drive in the grass.

Drive over your crops. Stay off the road. Oh, man. That's why. Nail you two across. What a cry, baby. It's like these minor inconveniences while you're driving, tractors and cyclists,

which, by the way, I take real umbrage with. What? Because your attitude towards cyclists, which by the way thank God everybody disagreed with you your problem was voted all to shit but uh your attitude

your attitude your attitude about cyclists is potentially lethal toward cyclists like if cars start if cars start acting hostile towards cyclists it could mean that our lives you know whereas whereas

a fender bender for a car might not mean anything yeah true yeah what's your point when cars start driving aggressively with cyclists you're going to see higher fatalities. My point is, these are minor inconveniences.

Go around them. Tractors? Yeah. You can't, though, because they take up the entire road. Well, what kind of tractors? What are you following a wheat harvester? Big tractors, man. These big tractors got to get around.

They got to get from one farm to the other. They got a big fat ass that they got a truck down the road. I'm sorry, Dick. Where are you driving that you need to be in such a hurry that you're driving through farmland? I don't know. Like I said, it's never even happened to me. Just my cousins, a big list.

brought it in. And it got a lot of support. Some people even sent pictures. Well, the top problem from last week was pregnancy, followed by tractors pulling out in front of you, because I guess you guys all live in the dust bowl. And then speech recognition, and then pizza snobs. Yeah. I got an email. I got a message, Dick. I got a message and an email. The guy commented in the message area, and then he thought that wasn't enough, and he emailed me too, right before we started the show. I do like when they do that. Yeah. Josh Gorman. He says, being from New York, I was a pizza snob until I moved to Italy. He was a pizza snob.

Then he moved to Italy and stopped being one. Been here for two years and I can confidently call Maddox an idiot. Sounds like someone who's no longer a pizza snob. If you go into any mom and pop is an Italian restaurant, both in large cities and small communities, the first thing on every menu is margarita pizza. Do you know what that is? And this is all in caps. It's a plain cheese pizza.

The second thing, quatro formagi, a four cheese pizza. And then again in caps, pizza does not have to contain more ingredients than just cheese and two exclamation marks. Just because you've been somewhere for a few days does not make you an expert on other cultures. My opinion for the best pizza is granada pizza, salami and Philadelphia cream cheese barf. That sounds gross. Cream cheese on pizza? And salami? That sounds pretty good.

I'll take the salami, but cream cheese. But not bread? Cream cheese seems like it would melt and it would be, it's almost. like sweet cream cheese. Yeah. So I replied to him, I said, oh, a New Yorker has a strong opinion about which pizza is good. Gasp? Cuadro vermagie equals four cheese, not just one or two, dickhead.

And I'm pretty sure that American and cheddar cheese don't make the cut on that list. So is this a pizza snob war? It's not, man. That you're having with this guy online. No, this is it. You asked last episode, where are all these pizza snobs, right? Yeah. I'm looking at one.

No. Well, Maddox, so when you brought this in, I asked you if you were going to proceed to be a pizza snob on the episode, right? Because you do that. No. You tend to do that. You do that. You brought in audio files and then you proceeded to be an audio file. Did not?

By saying vinyl is shit compared to your favorite. It is objectively shit. There is no argument there. Absolutely. Like, science, there is science to back up what I'm saying. Okay. Then you brought in something about know-it-all parent or first-time parents. Then you proceeded to tell everyone how to parent their kids.

I didn't. When did I say that? Then you brought an armchair economist. Yeah. And you proceeded to, for four episodes, economize from a folding chair. Oh, I hate economists so much, man. They're so full of shit. So I asked you if you were going to be a pizza snob and you said no.

No. And then I listened very intently because I figured you would be. Yeah. But you weren't in my estimation. Thank you. However, somebody sent in some... Sean, can you crank the volume down for this... Like, cut it in half.

I'm gonna play a theme song. You know this song, right? Yes. Shit. It's a good song. No. I didn't even get it the first time. You got to listen to the lyrics.

That's why. Sounds like Pac-Man. Yeah. So research on yourself before you speak to me It's Maddox versus Middox Did you hear that part? Yeah, I heard that People are sending these in

I just want you, I want to give you the chance To respond to these So this was a quote, this was a quote from you Okay How about this for a ruining the fun A fucking pizza snobbing, shut the fuck I'm letting you eat your meal Okay, then this is a quote from your YouTube video

About pizza Yeah Pepperoni is a topping for assholes and idiots Okay, so the first one is that won't shut the fuck up and let you eat your pizza and then pepperoni is for asshole. So are you an asshole and an idiot for wanting pepperoni on your pizza? You are for wanting pepperoni on your pizza.

Pepperoni is for assholes and idiots. Okay. First of all, assholes because they will... People who eat pepperoni only eat pepperoni, and they will cry and bitch and moan if they don't get their precious fucking pepperoni only pizza. They're a separate distinct category from plain cheese dipshits.

The pepperoni people love their pepperoni so much, and they insist on shoving it down to everyone's throat, and then they're idiots because it's a shitty ingredient, and they know it, and they can't even fuck it. There's so much cognitive dissonance going on that they don't even realize what a shitty ingredient it is when they have to take the paper towels and blot entire standing pools of grease.

What if they just fucking like pepperoni? Yeah, what about that? I don't believe they do. It tastes good. It tastes very good. Pepperoni's great. Great. There are... It gets all crispy at the edges?

Pepperoni is a made-up bullshit ingredient. It's not a real... All right. All right. Is that snobby what I just said? Yes. I can't give a shit. Very snobby. Here's number two. Great. If you're going to a pizza party where there will be more than four people, you're guaranteed to have shitty pizza because some crybaby always has to order plain cheese or plain pepperoni.

Okay, that's from your video. Yeah. And then we get... That was about you complaining about what is at a party, right? people who order pepperoni at parties. Okay, here we go. I will run into just strangers who come to your land and they're just bitching about the pizza.

That's you. Yeah. That's you, you're bitching about what pizza is available at a party. No, I just won't eat it. I don't care. All right. Order your pizza.

Have your fun, fun fucking pizza party. You want to shove it up your ass. I'll just post about it. You know, you know what, man? Oh, wow, what? Here's the thing. Here's a thing. I went to a pizza party last night.

No joke. And my friend asked me what... At an elementary school? No. All right. My friend asked me what I wanted on my pizza. And I told her, I'll eat anything but pepperoni. And then I followed up with the text message because I thought, that's kind of a bitchy.

It's a very bitchy. So then I said, you know what? Fuck it. I'll even eat pepperoni. I don't care. I think you poisoned the well already, though. Great. With the first comment.

Well, they still had pepperoni on the pizza because everyone's fucking addicted to it. Because everyone... All right. Next. Shit. You know, I just... have a question to all pizza snobs out there and you know who you are.

You know, you think you're not one, but you are. I'm so fucking tired of pizza snobs, man. All right, one more. Pepperoni is the shittiest topping you can put on pizza next to no topping. I think you already said that. Yeah, yeah. It's the shittiest topping. Look, man,

the meat is cured. It's the cheapest shittiest meat they could possibly put on there. The oil to meat ratio in pepperoni is three to zero. It's all oil. Who the fuck cares about me? math with the pepperoni's. It's either good or it's not.

It's not. All right. It's all oily, man. Look, the only thing that flavors pepperoni is a little bit of pepper. If you want pepper, add fucking pepper to your pizza. All right. All right, all right, all right. How about spicy salami? There isn't an ingredient. I don't want to talk about this for four episodes. Great. You want another voicemail?

Okay. This one's about the winning topic from last week. Pregnancy. Didn't have one. Hi, Maddox and Dick. I would really like to thank you guys, especially Dick, for bringing in the problem of pregnancy in episode 55. And I'd like to thank Maddox for bringing in bonus episode Solutions 4, bringing in abortion as a solution. Because I was pregnant earlier this year, and I was very sick most of the time. I was in bed for it.

I was 20 hours a day, and I sit most of the time lying around catching up on the podcast, and you guys were the only things that made me smile when I was lying there, mostly wanting to die. And I ended up having an abortion. You guys also helped me through that by, you know, smile through the pain and, you know, get relaxed before I went in for the procedure and whatnot. The last thing you heard before that abortion was your voice. You two were there for me during a very hard time. And it was nice to see Dick open up about, I thought this was going to be some misogynistic problem about how pregnancy makes a woman less fuckable or something. But I was really really glad to me as the opposite.

This guy. And, yeah, that's about it. I may send you guys like a care package or something in the future. Sent a seabortion. I appreciate it so much. You guys were the only thing that made me smile during the hardest time. in my life. So thanks and congratulations on a year plus of your show. Goodbye. Thank you. Instead of a care package, why don't you come out and care for our package?

Oh my God. And there it is. You can't... Me, you're cheering for her abortion. Yeah, she had it. That was her decision and I'm supporting it. All right. You think it... You think that... I think there might be something more to it. I think there might have been complications involved that led to it because she said she was very sick for several weeks. Now who's the pessimist? Yeah, you get sick when you have a baby because those things fuck up your digestion and everything, man. For months, you get nausea. Oh, that's a big problem. Yeah, it's a big problem.

I'm glad. Look, man, you get, look, I want every listener who gets an abortion to go vote up abortions on the solution page. We need to make sure that the history books reflect that it is a solution. Okay. I got some, do you have comments? Yeah, I got a comment from Lauren A.J. Kirby.

She says, Ari, voicemail about high school sex at the end of episode. If you guys want to settle the debate about whether or not high school sex sucks, you should just pull women and ask how many we're having orgasms in high school. It gets better with age for the fairer sex. That's what she says. Yeah, but a lot of women don't have orgasms because it's in their head. Yeah, because they have had a lot of shitty sex in high school,

and they're kind of set up. They set themselves up for failure later on in life. By having sex in high school? Yeah. So you're advising high school-aged women to not have sex? Yeah, abstain. Thank you, Starlord. The killer of fun.

Attention high school girls do not put out. Put it on your tombstone. Man, whatever, it's going to be sloppy, shitty sex anyway. Who cares? Go ahead and have your... You know, they just sit there quivering like chihuahuas. High schoolers. They're the worst.

That's what high school sex is? Yeah, just a bunch of... Oh, what do I do? Is this okay? Am I right? Do you like too much teeth? I'm like, yeah, man. It's always too much teeth.

All right. Lady. As you say, all right, man, it's always too much. You are in a silly mood again today. I got another one from Prince McGee. This is about the street fighter fight, which you are chickening out of. Maddox, I can assure you fight can't be hacked,

an online service that lets you fight people. Yeah. Right? On Street Fighter. Yeah. It's never happened. Just accept the challenge. And then Chris Pucknell has this to say,

balk, balk, balk. I think he's on to something with that. Yeah. Before you respond, I have a letter from the Challenger. Okay. Do you want me to read it? No. Okay.

No, I... Dick from what I gathered in episode 54 of the podcast, Maddox wants to play Street Fighter 2 Alpha Gold edition in an arcade. There are a couple problems with that. First off, I severely doubt Maddox will be able to find an arcade cabinet of Alpha 2 gold

as it was a limited release in Japanese arcades. There was an American release, too, shit. Okay. Point, counterpoint. Second, we wouldn't be able to live stream on Twitch using a cabinet. I figure Maddox to be the type who wants to show off his supposed streetfighter prowess to the world and make an example of me.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, or at least try. Yeah. He should have said or die trying there. That would have been funnier. Here's what I'm thinking as a counter-counter proposal. Classic street fighter Alpha 2 using maim locally. Would you be amenable to that? Why maim? Why are we using maim? I don't like to play on emulators. So, Cabinet

only for you. Why, yeah, why not? Why is it such a weird universe we live in where we don't want to play on a cabinet? That's the way it was intended. So when you go to Twin Galaxies and you want to watch a Donkey Kong tournament championship, they're not playing on emulator stickhead. They're playing on verified, certified boards of Donkey Kong because people manipulate and tinker with these things. They found that even if you put a little dab of gum on the circuit board, it can slow down the processor a little bit and give you an advantage. That's what people were doing. That's why it's important to have this thing be legitimate. Okay. We should do it at Twin Galaxies. Oh, that's a long way for everybody, and I don't want to go there at all.

Now for Maddox's question, what's the purse? You were asking what the purse was. I can't go into specifics right now. All I can say is that I'm working on procuring a prize that any street fighter fan would cherish. I'll send an update on that within the next few weeks. You know, Dick, if it comes down to it, I will practice night and day, and I will make sure that I am the best player of Street Fighter Alpha in the world. I will forego my book deadline. I will neglect my family,

my friends, my responsibilities, my bills out of spite to prove I am the best Street Fighter Alpha champion in the world. Well, I want to see that. I believe in you. Well, I mean, we'll see. Well, he says he'll update us. That is, assuming Maddox didn't bring in

horses as a problem this week is we're past due for another Noah's Ark problem. Shut up. I think you're so clever There you go All right I got a comment from DASX Macana

He says jokes on you guys Second trimester sex is the best She's past most of the sickness And she's not too huge To be uncomfortable And she's incredibly horny I got a voicemail like that Yeah

Yeah Hey Maddox Dick, this is Sam Ask somebody who has had sex With a pregnant woman On several occasions I could tell you It's pretty awesome because pregnant women, their hormone levels are way up, which means they're horny all the time.

Plus, their pit shootout milk. That's pretty cool, too. Way cooler than having sex with a high schooler. And Dick, go fuck yourself. You said that so tenderly. I like that he says it's cooler. Not like it's hot, but it's cool. It's cool.

I mean, that's another thing that squirts. Why not? I want all the things squirting during sex. That'd be fun. You know, Dick, a lot of people called me out. the comments. They said that my, I said, I don't know, I made some off-color remark about having sex with pregnant women last episode. They said it was kind of creepy. I'm like, I'm not, off-color, because you wanted to have sex with the fetus as well. I didn't say, that was a joke,

that was an ongoing joke in high school that my friends had. But, um, okay. So you didn't actually want to do that? No, of course not, man. I've never been into pregnant chicks. But it is a genre of porn. I don't know why everyone's freaked out about it, because there is a very popular genre of porn. It's prego porn. There's a ton of it on there. There's a ton online. It's not even up for debate whether or not pregnant women have sex or like to have sex. They do.

Clearly, there's the genre. Okay. Yeah. Did you bring it in? No, I'm not playing a clip of prego porn dick. I got a comment from Michael Fuji. He says, Sean's Burns are getting better every week. And Chris Pucknell says,

lull, both of Dick's problems involved pulling out. Yeah. Either I think I might have stolen that from him and put it on Twitter. One last comment from. honor Jonathan. He says, I really wish Maddox and Dick would shut the hell up for fan-made sections where they have clips of their own voice. That way I can figure out which Dick I'm telling to go fuck himself. Oh, all right. That's all I got. Want to get some problems? Yeah. Why don't you go first? I have a feeling mine's going to take way too long. Great. I have some serious problems this week, Dick.

Starting off with high heels. Oh, boy. High heels. Sean looks surprised. You look really surprised, Sean. I like high heels. Okay. Yeah. What do you like most about wearing them? Very good. Yeah. I think they're sexy as hell. Oh. Of course they are.

Wow. They've done studies. They found that men are turned on by women who wear high heels. Of course. Because it kind of... Accentuates their calf. Is that? Yeah.

That's why. Because they have to walk with that muscle tight. It would be like a dude walking around just always flexing. Yeah. Well, too bad that on... In theory, they're great. In practice, however, one in ten women wear high heels at least three days a week, and a third have fallen while wearing them.

This is according to osteopathic.org. It's an osteopathic website. Statistics show that high heels are one of the biggest factors leading to foot problems in women with up to a third suffering permanent problems as a result of prolonged wear. It's hard being a chick, man. They suffer for that beauty. These poor ladies, hundred. High heels are considered any shoe with a heel two inches or higher.

It causes your foot to slide forward into the unnatural shape of the shoe. So you lean back to compensate for weird forward tilting of your feet, which can strain your knees, hips, and lower back. And here are some of the problems that high heels can cause. Ingrown toenails, irreversible damage to leg tendons, nerve damage in your toes and feet by cramming them into a tight space, bunions, overworked leg muscles, osteoarthritis of the knee, planter fasciitis. It's joggers heel.

It's fasciitis. Faciitis? Is that what else? Yeah. All right. Joggers heel, which results in pain in the heel. And here's the biggest problem, I think, with high heels, other than, you know, the irreversible damage. Chicks take them off at the end of the night and walk around barefoot.

And it's disgusting. No class at all. No class. No class. No class at all. You know what, man? I've dated girls, and I've known girls who wear high heels all the time, and they can rock it. they are comfortable in it?

I ask them all the time. I said, are your feet hurting? Because that's the number one thing women say when they're wearing high heels. I can't believe how much my feet hurt. Oh, my feet, my feet. Well, then take off the fucking heels and don't wear them. Yeah. But the women who can wear them rock them, right?

But that's a very small minority of women. The majority wear them out to the dance club. Get tired and their feet start to ache. And so they take them off and carry them around like a second purse. while they're walking around barefoot on the filthy, disgusting floors, dragging their disgusting gnarled toes through loggies. Oh my goodness. And heroin needles.

Heroin needles? Yeah, and dog feces. Where is this? Hollywood, man. Heroin needles. I've never seen a heroin needle. I live there. I have pictures of two heroin needles on my phone right now that I saw on the streets.

All right. Yeah. This is disgusting. And by the end of the night, their foot has accrued. this, this, uh, nasty. It's, it's, like this gray foot butter. Oh. That they get from walking around barefoot.

Like, disgusting cave women. It's the, it's the worst, man. Look, you know what looks sexier? Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that. What, of course I do. If it's my date, I don't want her dragging her disgusting, like, gray feet into my car. Is that, did that happen to you recently? Or on my bike handles?

Did this, what? Did this happen to you recently that you took some? girl out and she walked home with her high heels off after the club? Oh, no, man. I don't date girls like that. Oh. No. Okay.

So it's not a problem for you, but it's a problem for a lot of guys then, maybe. Well, yeah, I've also brought in AIDS. That's not a problem for me, but it is a problem. I'm just asking. How's why it was a problem for you? And you said, you had to bring him home. So I said, when did that happen? No.

You said never? No, it has happened once, I think, in Mexico. Sean, you mentioned at the top of this problem that you thought that women who wear high heels are sexy. You know what's sexier than women who wear high heels is women who don't have gray feet? I think, right? Am I crazy in saying that women who don't have gray feet? I think you have a thing with dirt, though, because you're also disgusted by my flip-flop sandals,

which I wear all the time. You've made comments to me in wearing those shoes. My feet must inherently be covered with filth, like from walking around town wearing sandals. I don't remember saying that. Have I said that? Yes, yes, yes. Do you think it's disgusting my flip-flops sandals? Like, do you think flip-flops are gross?

I don't, no, I don't particularly have a problem with flip-flops. Okay, okay. There's a time and a place for them. I could be wrong. Yeah, no, no. I don't, I wear flip-lops sometimes. You do wear goofy footwear, though, Dick. How's this?

Last week, when we were recording, I kept staring at your feet. You were wearing some kind of, like, house slipper. Yes, they were house slippers. Okay. Is there a problem with wearing Ugg house slippers? They were Ugg house slippers. Yes, they were. Great.

You know what the problem is Is you're covering your feet in sheep's wool It's not a problem It's great Feels great It's comfortable It's like the sweat of human feet Mixed with sheep wool

That can't smell good I don't Do you want to smell them No Is that what you're asking? No So women have gross feet High heels make gross feet

High heels make gross feet They cause damage They're big problem I'm into the damage thing The last, no, no, I mean, the last girl I dated wore them almost exclusively, like she wore those gigantic platforms around. Yeah. She could rock them. Well, I mean, she could have done a couple squats.

That would have rocked, too. That would have compensated for whatever the high heels were meant to do. Yeah. But my hunch is that you're supposed to wear them for a short period of time in your life. Yeah. And then probably not again. Like maybe you wear them one. a month after that.

So this poor girl, she was 32, still rocking high heels. That's got to be rough. Like, her feet were definitely getting formed to the shape of a heel at that point. It seems like too much. My aunt, on my mom's side,

is one of these women who has always worn high heels. It doesn't bother her. And she's very comfortable in them, and she walks very confidently in them. I've never seen her not wear high heels. And I've dated girls who've exclusively worn high heels and they are okay with it, they're fine with it. However,

the girls who don't and they try to, up to a third of them fall while wearing high heels. What does that mean? A third of girls fall were wearing high heels. Oh man, just look on YouTube. Go check YouTube right now for girl wearing high heels can't walk

or girl wearing high heels falls. And there's so many videos where they keep trying to recover. You can see that the trajectory's off and they're wobbling, they're going back and forth and they're trying to correct themselves and each time they try to correct they go too far in the other direction until finally they eat shit but it is so long and drawn

out it's like it takes an eternity for them to finally fall and it's so satisfying when they do I'm right there laughing I get too nervous watching those I feel like they're going to break their they're like little dears yeah walking wrong like Bambi on the frozen ice I think they're going to

snap their legs in half it's like a stilt with a training wheel on it yeah right yeah so what's the solution sneakers Snickers for all? No, you know, wear wedges. Wedges might work.

What's that? Wages are, like, heels. They're similar to heels, but the back part of it is a little bit longer and thicker. Right? I don't know, man. I have no idea what that is. I'm not a women's footwear guy. I don't know.

And I'm not into feet, by the way. I'm not going to be sucking your toes at the end of the night. All right. You, Dick Masters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not one of those guys. Anyway, man, high heels.

That's my problem. Oh. Pretty big problem. Here's my problem. Yeah. Speaking of wimp. Speaking of dates. You ever hear this phrase? Everything happens for a reason. I hate that phrase. Hate it. I hate it. It's a trigger for me. Right? It's a trigger. You need to talk to a counselor? I need to stamp it on every chick's forehead. Trigger warning, trigger warning, trigger warning, trigger warning. Everything happens for a reason.

I know that sounds sexist, but I'm going to address that later. Everything happens for a reason. It's always driven me insane. Like, even when I was a little kid, I always used to bug me. It bugs me, too. Always has. And I don't want to say, like, I'm not the kind of guy who just gets irate at people's coping mechanisms. You understand what I'm saying?

No, I always get irate. I know you do, and I don't. Like, if somebody seems a little pretentious with their hobby, it doesn't bother me. Bothers you. Yeah. I don't think it really bothers me. What people need to cope with life doesn't ever really bother me. Like somebody's being an asshole or a sporting event.

I'm like, you know, you're charged up, whatever. You'll calm down. It's not a big deal. But this one phrase, everything happens for a reason, has always driven me insane and I've never grown out of it. You know how when you're a lot younger, things will make you crazy and you'll speak out against them and get really passionate. And then you grow up, you're kind of like, oh, who cares about that?

that thing. It's just people trying to live their lives. I guess. Yeah. Like, who cares that they're so into, like, whatever activist thing that they're into? No. It doesn't matter. I care. You care, but I don't. I can't shake this one, right? Yeah. I was going to bring it in as a throwaway.

Because, again, this girl says it to me. She gets screwed over by her roommate, this girl that was dating. Yeah. Screwed over by her roommate. Um, then she goes, everything. Uh-oh. I don't know why my dad always calls during this show

I don't know why your phone's not silenced during the show It is It is on Do Not Disturb But there's that thing where the screen is lit up The Do Not Disturb doesn't work Yeah I don't know, man Get a new fucking phone

I'm using this to be a stopwatch for the show I see the only reason I got a kitchen timer Fine I'll bring in my timer It's a $5 kitchen timer And it doesn't buzz It counts up, counts down whatever you want For God's sakes man

Bring that in I don't care So this girl gets screwed over by her roommate And she goes Well everything happens for a reason I'm like oh god I really I was having a great time here I wish you hadn't said that Yeah right because it's ruined

Okay You know what I mean That ruins your day Well it ruins everything Because my first thought is Whatever you Really Whatever you think is running the universe

Like God or fate or midaclorians or whatever You think that they care so much about you and so little about everybody else on earth that they set up this elaborate system for you to like meet a cute guy on the way to work because your car broke down everything happens for a reason or you know what i mean like or uh you found a new place to live everything happens for a fucking reason but oh but don't worry hundreds of thousands of people starve to death where does that fit in in your grand plan of everything happens for a reason are you so you so so myopic that like you think the entire world is made for you, the entire universe, all these

quadrillions of interactions every day is built so that you could get a new fucking phone. You know what I mean? And that's my, that's the gut reaction that I try to kill because that's the insane reaction. And the same part of me, the rational part of me says, it's just a coping mechanism. Don't worry about it. but I still can't get over it. Yeah. Well, everything happens for a reason.

Yeah. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know, man. You got really worked up there about this, and I don't know why, because there are entire branches of philosophy, Dick, that suggest that nothing outside the self exists. What, like solipists?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I'm not sure. So to answer your question, does the universe exist for you? Well, they would argue that it does. Uh, you know, man, here's... It doesn't bother me.

It's this phrase specifically. And believe it or not, I said this problem is going to take a long time today because I brought in a shitload of actual studies on it. Yeah. But go ahead. Go ahead. What are you going to say? I forgot.

He said philosophy and this whole idea that everything happens, like your Oculus Rift philosophy, the world is all a construct in your imagination. Okay. So this is another one of those classic dick problems. Yeah. Where you bring it in and I agree with you at the... outset, but your reasoning is so far off and so far out of left field. Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong. It's just not complete. It's not the reason that I would say that phrase is a

problem. I would say that that, well, I mean, I don't want to shittle. Maybe you brought something in some way, go ahead. Well, I would say everything happens for a reason does imply some kind of universal, new age, mystical, being, or energy, or cause, be it... Purpose? Yeah, some purpose, right? Some higher purpose. Well, then you're injecting religion into everyday conversations. Mm-hmm.

And it's a little annoying. It's annoying. I think it's annoying when religious people preach. Yeah? And non-religious people preach. Yeah. I think both are equally annoying. Equally annoying.

I totally agree with you. So that's the reason I have a problem with it, is that it's annoying when people say everything happens for a reason. And I'm not sure that's true. I'm not sure everything does happen for reason. However, Dick, like the examples you gave about people, you know, thousands of people dying from starvation or disease or bad things. Hundreds of thousands. There's, it's, it's trivial to demonstrate that some good could have come from those tragedies. Like, what are you talking about?

Well, any kind of tragedy. He's trying to steer to the broken window fallacy. Yeah, it sounds like it again. Is that what you're doing? This is ultimate, I mean, it's bigger than the broken window fallacy. This is a fundamental philosophical argument that say something bad happens. Well, in order for you to truly say that that was bad, you have to weigh all the consequences down the line. And then look at the aggregate positive consequences and the aggregate negative consequences.

And then weigh the two and then see which one there were more of. If there were more negative consequences, then that was a bad thing. And if there were more good consequences, then that was a good thing. So what are you saying? All the starving people are, it's worth, there is a plan because your car ran out of gas or something. And you met a cute guy that everything happens for a reason. It's not because you were binge watching Orange is the New Black all week. They didn't get your tire fixed and it blew out.

That was not the reason. See, you're looking at a negative. No, you're looking at a negative. But for example, had the people, like I gave the example of riots during the, the Solutions episode, I think number six. Solutions number six I brought in riots. And I made the case that sometimes riots can have good net outcomes. Like, for example, the, I think it's called Stonewall riots in the 60s.

That was where the gay and transgendered people were tired of the police harassing them, and they rioted against them. And that sparked the civil rights movement for gay and bi and lesbian people to fight for their rights. I would say that that riot, even though riots inherently are bad, because of the violence and because of the destruction, some good came of it. Sure. No one's debating that. No one would debate that some good can come out of something horrific. Okay.

Yeah. But that's what I'm saying is someone could make that argument that, and I'm not making that argument, but I believe it. When someone says everything happens for a reason, that's what they're trying to say? Is that what you're saying? Possibly. Okay. And I'll give them that. That's why that huge insane outbursts I just had.

That's why I don't grab them by the shirt and say that to them. It's like, okay, maybe they're trying to say something else and they can't phrase it correctly. You ever heard of this one? Teleology? Yeah. It's called, it's the explanation of phenomena. It's the explanation of phenomena by the purpose they serve rather than the postulated causes. That's what this is.

And that's what I found when I started looking it up. This phrase, everything happens for a reason. there was a study done testing this teleological phenomenon and they found that a shitload of people both atheists and theists describe things that happen to them

and external events based on their outcome that whole everything happened for a reason they answer things that happened in their lives by that that showing that it's a function of like people, this is like a characteristic of humans more than like a belief system. Because both of them felt that way. Yeah.

And the more, the faster they had to make decisions and give their opinion on things, even people who didn't admit it, even people who said, no, no, things don't happen for a reason. It's just random chaos happening all the time. When they forced them to give an opinion on things with less time, they would trend towards this teleology, this teleological thinking. Yeah. Which means that it's the fallback. Like the fallback is to say, yep, everything happened for a reason. You know, Dick, I believe one of the first or one of the most, I would say influential thinkers in telology was probably Aesop, with Aesop's fables.

Aesop observed animals doing things and then kind of made fables about why they did them and so on and so forth. But a lot of, I feel like a lot of ASOP-Fa-Fa-Bel type of observations have persisted today in not just our common vernacular, but in science, in biology specifically. I was looking this up after you sent me your problem this week, telology, I looked it up and I found, I knew this concept, but I didn't know the word for it. And I looked it up because there was something that always bothered me in biology textbooks. And biology at large still does this. They say like a biological function, this is from plato. Stanford.edu, it says a biological function of stodding by antelopes is to communicate to predators that they have been detected. And another one is they say eagle's wings are naturally designed for soaring.

Well, when you say that eagle's wings are designed for soaring or antelopes have this behavior to prevent detection or ants secrete this hormone to warn others, et cetera, etc., etc. You are implying that there is that higher purpose. Right. Right. Right. Which you would think maybe they're teaching kids this. So here's something interesting that that study found. Up until the age

of 10, kids will describe things teleologically. Like they'll say lions are in the zoo because that's where they want to be. Like that's why the lions are in the zoo. The ball's flying through the ear because that's what the ball wants to do. Yeah. Yeah, it's really interesting, but this, what kind of dumbfounded me is how often it is found in biological texts

and scientific texts. And then I read on this... Well, that could be because they're designed for kids, right? That's why I'm saying the kids think, because that's how kids think. No, it's not just kids, Dick. Watch any nature documentary. They say, such and such animal does this thing because they evolved to do this thing to protect them, blah, blah, blah. That, when you say that they involved a certain way to protect themselves or whatever, even though that may not necessarily be the case, that may not be the cause of them, of their evolution, it implies that there is a higher being or higher purpose for them. There's, like, for example, ants and aphids have like a symbiotic relationship, right?

Yeah. And they would say, the incorrect phrasing would be to say that they evolved that way because it's mutually beneficial. Well, that's not, that's not necessarily, you're going to be. You're saying the outcome exists, but you're conflating the outcome with the cause. You're saying the cause is because it's mutually beneficial. Well, it could also be happenstance.

And it could also be... I mean, yeah, sure, it does benefit them. That selection does benefit them. Sure. That process, right? But they're not designed for it. Like, you can't just say they're designed. It's wrong.

That's why I kind of have a problem with that aspect of science. And by a lot... I was looking at the Stanford, website, or I think it was this evolution website on BlockSpot. They said that they go to great lengths to teach biologists not to use phrasing like this, not to use language like this. Yeah. Yeah. It's easier to teach like that, but it's like subtly harmful, you would say. So here's why it's a problem. And here's why I thought it was interesting enough to bring in. And especially interesting that every single girl I've dated except for one has said this phrase at one point or another. People who

people who have a tendency to reason about events teleologically also have a tendency to interpret behaviors in ways that weren't meant. Oh, interesting. Because the symptom of teleological thinking comes from being able to understand people's states of mind, right? Yeah. And when you understand people's states of mind, you really want there to be a state of mind. So you start taking random events and ascribing a motive.

behind it. Oh, that's interesting. So if a girl ever, or if a guy, because this research also showed remarkably, the scientists must be wrong on this, that there's no difference between men and women in gender or race when it comes to teleological thinking. So that idea of everything happens

for a reason is ubiquitous. You know, Dick, I think that this is something, you said at the top of your problem that this was something that could be an inherent quality of humanity, right? Yeah, and I'll tell you why after you're done. Well, I have a theory. Because I've been thinking about this for a long time.

People kind of laugh at the ancients for having silly beliefs like rain dances cause rain. But I think that our minds, being rational, we try to ascribe reasons for why things happen. Because that's how we learn. We want to learn. It is fundamentally scientific to want to find a reason for why something happens. So I think a long time ago, this may have happened when the first rain shower occurred right after a big dance. in some tribal culture somewhere, and they forever associated their dance with the rain

because they did the dance and then the rain happened. Dogs learn this way, too. If a dog pees outside every day and you give it a treat right after it pees, the dog starts to associate that behavior with that reward. Sure. That's how our minds learn and think. So it's not necessarily a flaw in humanity. It is annoying when it's wrong,

and when we don't look at it critically, to determine whether or not that is the actual cause but I think that fundamentally it's a useful process. Well here's why this is saying and I get what you're saying but this has a slightly different take on it

because when you talk about the dogs and the training that simple example they are definitely getting a positive feedback. This is saying that the early humans who were the rational ones who let's say they're sitting around a campfire in the bushes rustle and a bunch of the early

people say well it's a bear or it's God he's pissed I gotta get out of here they run the curious ones the rational ones go well that's not necessarily true let me just see if it is a bear one time out of ten that it is a bear they're killed yeah so it weeded

out all of these rational thinkers and we're left with the panicky idiots who describe motives to things that aren't real and who look for an immediate self-serving purpose to all the bad shit that's happened them or the good shit. You know how, um, I'm sure you're familiar with this, that people who are

successful will attribute their success to the things they've done when a lot of times, even when it doesn't matter. Like in random groups, in studies, they'll give people an advantage. And then at the end of the experiment, the people with the natural advantage will assume they did something in the experiment, even knowing that they started higher, that they started with more assets or whatever, that they started with an advantage, they will ascribe their success to their own actions. That's how deep I'm saying this teleological thinking goes. Do you think that's a problem?

Absolutely. You think it's bad when people who, say, like in a test or a study, they are given an advantage and then they ascribe a reason for, that justifies their advantage? Well, I'm saying this is bad in society because people who start successful and end up successful can necessarily look down on everybody who wasn't as successful as them and say, I got here because of me, because of me, instead of saying, you know, I may, maybe that had something to do with it, but maybe it was also in a large part that I started like leagues ahead of all you guys with a shitload of money. Yeah, there's people who were born on third

base and think they hit triples. Exactly right, yeah. Interesting. And that's because of this type of thinking. Well, this is super interesting coming from you. Why? Because I totally agree with it, and it seems like something that you wouldn't argue for, because it sounds like, well, this is going to be, this is going to be a topic for another show. But it sounds like it's contrary to your thinking. It doesn't sound like a very libertarian thought. It sounds like, it sounds like something that could come out of Obama's mouth. Well, guys, I've got to go kill myself. Why? The idea that some people had an advantage Yes, because fundamentally, Dick, what you're saying is that rich people aren't always necessarily there because they earned it. Oh, well, of course.

The vast majority of wealth in this country is inherited. Yeah. Right. There's no questioning that, though. Right. And they have an unfair advantage over everyone else. Yeah. Now, however, if you're talking about taking away that advantage, I'll kill you.

That's where this thinking might end. So you're okay. You're okay with people having unfair advantages and then lording it over other people. You're okay with a dynasty, right? If it's a Dick dynasty, yes, of course. Well, I don't understand to be okay with. Like, there's natural advantages in the world and there's not. And that's what started me hating this phrase.

Everything happens for a reason. Because I look at people who say that and I say, yeah, the reason that you're even saying that is because you're born with this enormous advantage of being in a society, like a genetic lottery of being born in a society where you can pause for a second and think about that rather than running to get water every day and trying to not get assaulted. I am so excited right now. Like I want to do a little jig. I want to dance because you have set a trap for yourself.

How's it a trap? You opened up the bear trap and you set the snare. And I'm just waiting because you haven't said anything yet to step in that bear trap. But you will. Because I know you. I've known you for a long time and I know you the way you think We're gonna come back to this

You mark this episode 56 We're gonna come back to this At some point in the future Because I know I know there's a dick versus dick brewing It's coming I can feel it's like you can hear the rumbling In the distance

The horse is rumbling Like this is a massive dick versus dick coming buddy I'm excited Anyway dude I think that's an interesting problem And a well-researched one And this is It's all one study

I mean, it's one URL. Don't give me too much credit. Well, no, I looked into it. I looked into it. There is a lot written about telology and its implications in theology and sciences. Well, what's interesting is that all these seemingly unrelated problems, like this, if you want to reference the last one,

like this idea of this disdain for like I got here because I deserved it and not because I had to look. All these problems, which you could never solve by looking at them on the surface, right? Like the solution isn't Fuck you, we're taking your money. If you don't understand the root of it, which is, I think, this type of thinking,

then you can't fix it. And this type of thinking is inherent to everybody. I think that type of thinking, though, Dick, and this is ultimately where I think I lean towards voting this down as a problem, is that it is fundamentally the same type of thinking that causes us to want to be scientists and causes us to want to learn.

It causes us to want to determine why things happen. And the people who are dumb, the people who are lazy thinkers, and the people who are lesser minds, will associate two unrelated events and say, well, A happened and B happened, therefore A caused B, which is a logical fallacy unless there's some evidence for it, right? Those are the dumb people, but the smart people will use the scientific method and say, well, this happened. It must have happened for a reason. that's telology, right? Essentially, everything has a purpose. No, and teleology is the opposite. It's not, and I think, I know what you're saying.

I know that you think this is like the impetus for smart people to look for things to understand, but I think this is separate from that need to understand. How's it different? This is just me saying it. I think it's a separate drive. I think this is a, well. I think it's the same thought mentality that, I think this is fundamental to human nature and helpful for our society. for us as humans to be able to answer questions because if we were like if we didn't do this we would be fish we would be donkeys we be dumbass ostriches sticking our heads in the sand not doing anything not asking why not trying to learn but the people who stop at the first theory that they have without testing that theory they're telologists who sit there and say well it rained right after i did a dance yesterday therefore my dance caused the rain they don't

test that theory. I think it's... I think it's different than what you're saying. And the only thing I, the only thing I base that on is that these scientists and smart people have to repress the urge to just say something is the cause, say something happened because of the cause. Like, I think that's the knee-jerk reaction. I think totally, totally rejecting that line of thought is what leads someone down the path of critical reasoning, the opposite of this teleological thinking. That's what I think. I totally understand what you're saying.

That's just my opinion. Well, vote it down. Vote up bunkies, people. I'll tell you what you shouldn't vote down is Audible. Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Did you know Audible has over 150,000 titles to choose from? I thought it was 180,000 dick.

Did I print it out the wrong thing? 180,000 titles to choose from... Wasn't it 180? If that's what I read last time, then you're right. Well, I think we had a correction to it. Why don't you read both? Audible has over 180,000 titles to choose from every genre. Audible has it covered. Get a free audiobook download when you sign up today. Use Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest. They've got a thousand science and technology books.

What about that? They're probably all teleological. I'm out. Burn them. Book burning. Great, great ads. Oh, yeah. Let's cut that out.

Let's go back. Cut it out. People get pissed and we don't read the ads live. Remember the last ad we had to cut in from an earlier episode because they bought it late? Well, we're not doing that here. No, I'm just saying they like the live ad. Yeah, yeah, of course. I printed out a reading list from this show.

I just don't want to have that part about book burning in the audible ads. I bet Audible thinks you should burn books. Burn books and listen to them. Fuck paper books. You better leave that in. Here's our reading list as assembled by the show. Milk did her uncle's farm. So if you want to listen along to the show.

How Smart is God? You remember that one? Poorly made in China. An insider's account of the tactics behind China's production. Agenda. Why does the penis look like that? Yeah, good question. I want to add a new book to this list.

The Journeys of Socrates. It's about a jacketless man Wandering around ancient Greece Embarrassing himself at fancy dinners I guess is probably what it's about I don't know I've been to Greece I've been Athens

And I didn't have a jacket on Good for you I did wear shoes though Anyway man Is that all you got? Yeah Dick I got the real biggest problem In the universe at least this week Is honor killings

Yeah Jesus Christ Bravo Maddox Oh Thank you for bringing in a problem with such weight. Honor killings, Dick. You know, an honor killing is any time a killing occurs when someone has brought shame upon the family.

Now, usually this is done by another family member, and it sounds awesome, right? In theory, it sounds like the biggest solution in the universe, but in practice, it's for stupid shit, like not entering into an arranged marriage, committing adultery, or being in a relationship with someone your family doesn't approve of. Is this always for women?

Are they the only ones who get honor killed? Good question, Dick. No, it's not only for women. Oh. Yeah. Men get honor killed, too. In 2012, in Iraq, there were a string of murders committed called the emo killings. And emo is exactly what you think it is. They rounded up kids and teenagers who looked emo or listened to any emo music and killed them

because they associated it with Satanism and homosexuality. The Baghdad morality police issued a statement criticizing teens for wearing strange, tight-fitting clothes with pictures of skulls on them and rings in their noses or tongues. Anyone listening to metal, emo, or rap was targeted. That was in Iraq. Wow. When we were running it or when it was on its own? That's in 2012.

Okay. So we're running it. That's the country that we liberated. This is the country that we brought freedom to. You're welcome America and you're welcome Iraq. There you go. You can't just come in and impose your political will on people and experience. Expect them to just become America.

You can't say, here you go, here's democracy. Woo! Because with that democracy, they might vote in the Palestinian Authority. They might vote in a known terrorist organization, like Hamas, right? That's what happened in Palestine when they had clear and open democracy. Anyway, I'm getting off. I'm getting off time. No, you're right.

Yeah. Anyway, man, honor killings are believed, this is from BBC. They said honor killings are believed to have originated in tribal customs where even an allegation against a woman is enough to dishonor a family. thus resulting in the death of the woman. In some cultures, if the woman is raped, she may be honor killed, especially if she becomes pregnant. Oh, man.

Oh, you got raped? Well, we got to kill you now because you've dishonored our family by getting raped. Thank God women don't unionize, right? And they're just like, you know, because they could have done it at any time. Hey, guys, we're not putting out until you knock this shit off. Yeah. Like, oh, well, I got a plane ticket to Baghdad. I'm going to go kill all these guys.

Great. So, Dick, you're telling women that they're going to cut off rapists. Men who are forcibly taking sex from them, they're going to cut them off unless they shape up. Well, thank God this isn't a solutions episode because that got shot down pretty fast. Yeah, man. Well, what about the ones over here if they said that? What? If women in America said, hey, we're not putting out anymore until you guys fix that problem over there.

Ah. You know, like a little sisterhood, intercontinental cross-atlantic sisterhood actually going on. It becomes this thing where sex becomes a barter system. Yeah, it is. Well, for you?

Of course it is. It's ugly. That's ugly? Yeah, I don't like it. In 2008, in Turkey, a father killed his son for being gay. The son's name was Ahmed Yildiz, a 26-year-old physics student

who was gunned down in Istanbul. It was considered Turkey's first gay honor killing, and they made a movie about him called Zenna. Zeni, I think? Zeni. Was the movie positive, like that Nazi sniper that killed everybody, or was it negative about the dad who killed his son? They made a positive movie about a Nazi sniper? Well, the Third Reich had an incredible propaganda. Oh. They would make positive, you know what I'm saying?

Like, was the movie that was made about this guy positive or negative towards honor killings? Was he a hero or a villain? The gay kid was a hero, and the father was a villain, yeah. And the father remained a fugitive for three years afterwards. It's believed the number of honor killings that occur every year is in the thousands. Honor killings in the UK, in 2006, this happened in the UK, a woman named Banaz Mahmoud from Surrey, left an unhappy arranged marriage and started a relationship with another man. The 20-year-old was strangled and hidden in a suitcase, which was then buried underneath a Birmingham property. Yeah.

Yeah, man, honor killings. real shitty, big problem. Does that count all the women who are disfigured or maimed or otherwise injured? Because that should be a tremendous amount more. It's a lot harder to kill someone than is to throw acid at them like a pussy. Yeah. About 211

Honor-related offenses were reported in 2009 in the UK, 129 of which were criminal offenses. In Turkey, there has been a drop in honor killings. Now get this, this should be positive news, right? And this is why, again, I say a critical thing is important because if you read that headline, oh, there's a drop in honor

killings in Turkey. Hooray, let's celebrate. More people getting maimed? Nope. The reason is because they passed tougher laws against it in 2005, which has caused an increase in honor suicides at the behest of men encouraging women to kill themselves for dishonoring their family. It's a way to skirt the honor killings laws.

Huh. Yeah. Who checks on that? You know, it's really hard to find statistics about this? She shot herself five times. Suicide. Yeah, classic. Right in the back of the head.

Yeah, and you know what else? It's not specific to a religion. Muslims seeks Hindus and any culture that has families with rigid expectations can result in honor killings. Well, I was going to ask that next. Isn't it part of Sharia law? Isn't honor killings allowed by Sharia law? Well, certain sects of people who practice Sharia law. It's like, does Christianity condone protesting the funerals of dead soldiers?

Well, no, but some Christians do it. What, the Westboro Baptist? The Westboro Baptist, by name, they're Christians, right? These are the ones who are protests. Like, yeah, it's hard to, again, you like to paint with a wide brush here, but... What do you mean me? I just asked you a question. Oh, well, I...

It's allowed by Sharia law. Well, I mean, I thought it was part of that system. It is, but not everybody practices it. You know, it's like, in Catholicism, for example, condoms are outlawed. You're not supposed to use condoms. Yeah. But a lot of people use.

condoms or pull out. Yeah, pull out. Condom should be, they are in a front to God. They're in front to my God as well. You align with the Vatican in that position. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, man, big problem, honor killings.

Let me get back to that Sharia law thing. Because what I'm asking, you bring up, I don't want to paint with a wide brush. I guess what I'm asking is, do you have any stats on, like, who is supporting honor killings? No, I don't have it specific to each culture or. religion, but the BBC said that it's really difficult. They're trying to estimate how many honor killings happen every year and it's really difficult because

a lot of times they'll say that the reason is something else and they don't report these honor killings. Sometimes they just kind of do it. Of course not. Yeah, and it's kind of skirted underneath. They don't even have internet. Some places it's happening. How are they going to report it? This isn't, this generally isn't occurring in really advanced societies. It's not, it's occurring

in South Asia in Iraq, in Afghanistan, it happens. Saudi Arabia, it happens. Saudi Arabia is one of the big offenders of honor killings, because there's a lot of arranged marriage in that culture, and you'll see that a lot of honor killings take place in cultures that have arranged marriage. That's why Hindus and Sikhs were also on this list.

Because they don't want to get married? No, because they... No, because the girl doesn't want to marry that guy. Oh, yeah. Well, fuck this. Yeah, yeah. And the girl backs out of it. And a lot of times it's complicated.

They're politics involved because the family of the husband has given a dowry to the family of the bride. You know what, this is the plot of Spaceballs. The princess, the Jewish princess, doesn't want to marry Prince Valium, so she runs away. And her dad kind of makes a deal with dark helmet. Right? Yeah. To kill her.

Or to get her back, whatever. Yeah. Well, I guess Spaceball's is a drama after all. I need to watch that movie. Who's doing this? I want to know who's doing it. You mentioned a couple groups. who is doing...

I know in America we're not doing it. We're not honor killing women because then who would we keep out of stem fields? Are each other? Right? It doesn't make any sense. But who's doing this around the world? Honor killing...

Saudi Arabia? A lot of the ones you hear in the news are Muslims and occasionally Hindus. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah. But in Japan, it kind of happens in a different way. It is more... You do have more honor suicides in Japan,

which happens because they have such high pressure and expectations. from their families to produce and perform in academia. So even one bad semester can send a person spiraling out of control because they see that everything kind of is linked to each other and the chain is broken. And if the chain is broken, they can never fix it. They can never catch up.

And the only alternative is an honor killing, an honor suicide, rather. So it happens in different cultures for different reasons. And in America, you might be able to, I mean, we don't consider it as an honor suicide when people kill themselves. It's just, we just called suicide. We just lump it in one big category.

They killed themselves, except for euthanasia. So if we looked into the cause that suicides happen, especially for men, because I believe, what, like 84, 80 to 90% of suicides are male. Yeah, it's four times. Because a lot of times there are pressures that are unique to men that we have expectations in society. And also, men fight the majority of wars,

and they come home with post-traumatic stress, which is really intense. Because if you've ever had to kill somebody, which very few people have, we're not equipped, we're not equipped psychologically to be able to do that. Humans aren't evolutionary, don't have an evolutionary advantage

to kill each other off. Some of us. Very small, no, the Army has done studies on this. It's called the killer instinct. Oh, some people are. Yeah, it's like it correlates with the psychopathy. Oh, that's right. A very small amount of people don't care.

hair and they're built for it. And it's like an evolutionary safeguard. Huh. Yeah, against bad stuff happening. Like, well, we got those guys over there when they're not allowed to do what they want to do now. But careful. There's zombies or something. We're going to let them out of the cage. Patton may have been one of those guys.

I think Nintendo made a game about that. Killer Instinct. Killer Instinct. Ultra did, you asshole. Not Nintendo. Oh, that's right. It was a license. Yeah. Nintendo bought them. Yeah. Ultra. Hey, it's just going back to that stat.

It's true that men complete it more often. Women, I think, the last I heard, attempt it more often, but men use more lethal means, you know, because they shoot themselves in the head instead of taking a bunch of pills. Women try to shout themselves to death. That's what I read.

No, but I looked into the attempt statistic and, you know, because that's what I keep hearing is women attempt it more, but an attempt registers as anything from taking too much Tylenol, like not even close to enough. It's a lot of times I've talked to suicide prevention counselors, and they say that

90% of the women who call in who've taken who've like overdosed on Tylenol pills. They said they don't even call the paramedics. They just tell them to drink a lot of water, and they'll be fine. And that's what women are more likely to call for help and to use less lethal methods. It's hard to figure out where the line is

between like a serious attempt and, you know, I don't know. Well, here's a real clear line when they're dead. That's a serious attempt. That's success. There's no attempt there. Yeah, exactly. It's both. It's a two-for-one.

It's a two-for. I just looked at Updick, and I looked at the regions. This happens, honor killings are detected in Europe, in Albania, in Cyprus,

or Cyprus, France, Germany, Greece. In Greece, well into the 20th century, honor, honor was a very important concept. And as recently as the 1960s,

Shepherds in Greece conducted honor killings. So, yeah, I guess it still happened in Greece, in the UK, it happens in Sweden. It says in Sweden.

Sweden. Yeah. I want to see these numbers. What cultures are voting? Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Not even the ones doing it. I want to see the poll. I want to see the Gallup poll.

This is not the country condoning this dick. Most countries have outlawed honor killings. In Sweden, in 2002, a 26-year-old Kurdish woman named Fadmi Sahibnal, I guess, was killed by her father, but she was Kurdish. There were a Kurdish family living in Sweden. So it's not like this is specific to one. specific culture, religion, or region. It happens in Denmark, too. Gazala Khan was shot and killed in Denmark in September 2005 by her brother.

These are transplants, though. Yeah, I would say if you ask, like, if you took a poll in America, do you ever think honor killing is a good idea, you're going to get an infinitesimally small yes to that, right? And if you, as you go around the world, like Santa Claus, and pose this poll to everybody, I think there's going to be some standouts of groups of people who say, you know what? Yeah.

Yeah, I think it is okay sometimes. And I think when you find those concentrated pockets of yes, you found a problem. The largest regions I'm seeing just in doing some cursory research on this is in Jordan, in Kuwait, in the Palestinian Authority, in Saudi Arabia, in Syria, in Yemen. These are all Arabic countries. In Pakistan and India, India's a... a huge country with a lot of honor killing Saudi Arabia. In Canada, it's occurred, but yeah, I guess if you don't count the transplants,

then probably not a lot of Canadians. Not a lot of Canadians or you fuck up at hockey. They don't make you kill yourself or throw acid on your face. Yeah, no, yeah, of course, of course not. I mean, it's not condoned by our government or culture. But yeah, man, a lot of these places, I'm looking like in Brazil, any place that's happened in Brazil, it's usually a transplant. So if you don't count transplants, then it's mostly these cultures.

All right. Anyway, man, honor killings and high heels, those are my big problems, the two big H's this time. Big feminist this episode, aren't you? Yeah, I'm not saying that women shouldn't wear high heels. But if you can't, then don't. That's what I'm saying. If you can't, you mean if you trip all over yourself? If you trip all over yourself, if you're goofy, if your feet hurt, if you're going to bitch about it, if you're going to ache and moan, it's like, hey man, then don't fucking do it.

Like, people who get piercings live with it, and they're open. with it. They don't constantly complain about their piercings or whatever it is. Just don't do it if it's going to bother you. There's a real simple solution to not doing things to bother you. What's your last problem, Dick? Hey man, everything happens for a reason. Do we have time for a last problem?

Yeah, because my last problem is a doozy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Let's hear it. I got so upset, I threw it on the floor. Here we go. My last problem. We've been going, we've been escalating throughout this episode. Yeah. The biggest problem is the are you still watching, but

on Netflix. Okay? You condescending, presumptuous fuck Netflix? Of course I'm still watching. Of course. Assume that I am. Don't bother me with this. The waiters don't come up to you in the middle of a meal and go,

sir, sir, are you still eating that? Are you still eating that entirely full steak that you have in front of you? Sir, are you done drinking this soup that you've had one bite out of? It's not one bite, dickhead. They come by when you've eaten most of your meal and they ask you if you're still working on it. And I give them a look. How dare they?

They will know when I'm done, because it will be completely empty. Well, you can solve this problem with something that's almost as easy as a glance, pressing the X button on your fucking PlayStation. Oh, Maddox, where is the remote? What am I supposed to do? First of all, I'm probably drunk or high. Where am I supposed to get this magical device that you're referring to? You know what?

If you've got the technology to put the prompt on the screen, make the remote start blinking or beeping or some shit, so I know where to... Here's a better one. Put a microphone in the Apple TV, and say, hey, if you're still watching, make some kind of a sound. Make a grunting sound like a caveman. Clap your hands. Do something and we'll keep going.

Don't look for a button. This isn't a nuclear launch code. Oh, you're equating pressing one button on your remote with a nuclear launch code, you fucking idiot. This is the easiest non-problem ever. First of all, Dickhead, if they didn't have that feature in Netflix, which I fully support, every fat dipshit, slovenly watching a TV show. movie on Netflix at night as they fall asleep and Netflix plays the auto queue would just rack up huge bandwidth fees and Netflix is trying to cut it down. No, they're racking

up huge bandwidth usage. Yeah. Netflix is trying to cut down bandwidth usage so that the ISPs don't raise our rates. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck your bandwidth. Fuck your ISP. If it entertains me, if it amuses me for a little bit, beam trailer park boys into space 24 hours a day where no one's going to watch it. I don't care. I'm the customer. Fuck you. You know what else saves money?

Having automated help phone lines and doing those thin, shitty plastic water bottles that spill all over you. All this shit hurts the customer. Fuck your bandwidth. Fuck your bandwidth. Beam me shows all day every day. Beam them all the time

like I'm in an entertainment singularity just in case I get home and want to watch something. Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah. I'm right. I am the customer. I am right, Netflix, and maybe one day I'll pay for my own subscription instead of just using my brother-in-law's subscription like everybody else in my family. Fuck you! Oh, fuck.

You... Go on, Dick. You bootlicking fuck. Don't even... Don't even start with your the internet is a series of... tube shit. I know how the internet works. Give me my shows. Fuck off with your button. You want to save

bandwidth? Build a satellite that checks for when I'm sleeping or not. Wait, did Dick stop talking? I can't tell. What a fucking cry, baby. I hate that button. I hate it so much. Right when I get into the groove, man.

Right when I'm chilled out on episode three or episode four, that motherfucking button comes out, I'm afraid of it coming up. As soon as the credits start rolling, I'm like, oh, are they going to give me that button? Are they going to give me that button? No, no, no, because I have no idea what the remote is. I threw it when I came in with all my keys, and I'm going to be watching the blue screen the rest of the night. Fucking cry, baby.

Dick, fuck Netflix. How much of a slovenly sloth are you, that you are sitting there for two or three episodes? You don't move, you don't get up off the couch, you don't get up to pee, you don't get up to get another drink? Do you also complain that drinks aren't magically teleported into your throat? out your calling asshole. You're so inconvenience with having to find your remote, not having to be such a dumbass that you misplace it every fucking five minutes. Just remember, get a system, dick.

Put the remote right next to where you're sitting and then press it. You just roll over. You don't even have to move. This guy with his remote magic over here. Nobody even believes that for a second asshole that you could never lose your remote. Fuck you. You're sitting down with a girl firing up a couple episodes of a documentary. You know?

Right? Real classy broad that I'm talking about right here. Firing up a couple episodes of some shitty show she wants to watch. Right when you're ready to make your move, man. Right when it's getting hot. Right when you got your fingers around that button. That fly button popping her buttons open. Here comes the button.

It's distracting. Hey, hey, hi. I'm a button. I'd like to fuck up your life. Dick, if you... If the TV going into a pause state is enough to throw off your game, Your game sucks. Oh, you're such a liar.

You're such an asshole. Anything can throw off your game at any moment, Maddox. That's what happens when you're riding the edge of game. All right? You're like a high-performance motorcycle racer, man. Any slight perturbation in your game can throw you into a death spin, from which you'll never recover. Yeah. Because then you get angry.

You get the angry sweats and she can smell it. Oh, man. It's the opposite with me, man. The chick is revved up. She's the car. She's the engine. She's trying to get me warmed up. She's trying to get me to go.

She's like, hey, how about now? I'm like, I don't know, baby. You want to know why? I'm watching this. Why? Because she's a fan. Motherfucker. I'm cutting that.

I got it. I figured. Fucking asshole. That's my problem. Yeah. I really hate that button so much, man. Fucking button, dude Anyway, Dick

Coming from Mr. No More self-checkout lines Because it saves them money You didn't like self-checkout lines Because the stores tried to save themselves money For so many reasons But you're supporting this stupid button They're slower, they never work They are, you're always standing behind some incompetent boob

Who doesn't know how to operate it And the machines that, the rest of the machines Half of them are broken And then even when you do use them properly you still have to get the stupid attendant to come by and check something every few fucking minutes and then the machine thinks there's something on the scale that isn't and then you have to put it in the bags

and then you have to go through another step to get cash back and then you can't buy alcohol at them. It's just a huge series of fuck-ups just like this problem was. Vote it down. Dick, I believe that for bringing in such a stupid horseshit unresearched, another one of your

horseshit problems where I feel like I don't know, I guess I'll bring this in, I don't have anything on the drive-in. You thought about Netflix bugging you. Another one of these problems. I want you guys to punish Dick by voting down both problems this week. And voting down the original problem because...

Oh, you motherfucker. What was that? I wasn't going to play this song this time. Great. Because it goes on so long. Of course you were going to play it. I wasn't. I really wasn't. I wasn't going to play the song because you're right.

It is two things for one. but people were commenting this week that I didn't play Titanic last week. Good. No, they missed it. They won. I gotta take shit. I gotta take a shit.

No, you can't take a shit. I'm putting my cans down. I'm going to the can. All right, well, I'm not playing Titanic until you get back. You can shit during this song. Let's see ya. I'm not getting back. I'm not coming back.

You got to lock up the studio. Nope. We got to thank Audible. I thank him right now. I'm done. No, no, no, no, that's not correct. Lock up the seat. I'm turning up the lights.

I'm locking up the studio. Go on and. Go fuck yourself. Grand Mooney, I think, did that. Yeah. Oh, I know. All right. Just sit down and shut up and watch your Titanic.

That's what you get. If I can find it, I don't know. Did I forget to bring it in it again? Oh, good. No, here it is. You knew the Jeopardy theme song. It's exciting shit happening on this episode. a Titanic. They just saw a picture

of a naked lady. Yeah. Stereos knows what I'm talking about. Did you license this from Mysterios? Yeah. I'm going to have him sue us. I already paid him. He looks like a bottle of hot sauce. Oh, look, there's a hot chick, man. That's a hot chick's hot. You don't think that chick's hot? I'm not looking. I don't know.

It's like a hot 90s Megan Fox. Now there's an old lady doing pottery. Is this 30? This feels like It's been a minute. Shall it? 30 seconds? 30 seconds.

Calm down. Anyway, guys, vote up high heels and honor killings this week. Vote down Dick's horse shit. See you next Tuesday. Let's see here. Here's another guy weighing in on the pizza debate.

This one's pretty funny. Great. More pizza snobs. Hey, Maddox. This is Freddie from New York. I just don't really listen to your piece of garbage radio show because I have a life.

but my friend turned me out to this one topic you had recently. Pizza snobs? Well, you didn't mention one pizzeria that you had experience in New York with their shitty dollar slices, but I could tell you from experience, a dollar slice doesn't exist in New York anymore. Oh. Maybe if you took a time machine to the 80s exists, but not anymore.

That's A. B, we're not snobs because our pizza's better. We might be snogged because your piece is garbage, though. I've been to Zitos in California. See, that's an example. Zetos. Have you been there? Yeah, it's in your L.A. area or not.

But it is fucking abysmal, and you should be ashamed of yourself if you like it. And if you like that better than any New York place that I've ever been in, kill yourself in front of your parents. Now, I'm supposed to say something now. Oh, Dick, go fuck yourself. Oh, and Maddox get raped, right? Okay. Get a new career. You stink.

Oh, what a dumb shit. What a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb shit. You know what that guy likes on his pizzas, dick? Dicks. Yeah, dicks and cherries because he's. He used so much of the cherry-picking fallacy. That dumb shit. There is a place in New York.

It's trivial to find a 99-cent slice in New York. There's a place called 99-sense fresh pizza in New York, you fucking idiot. Their sign says 99 cents fresh pizza. What about two bros' pizza? Another dollar place. Percy's pizza. Another dollar place. Get fucked.

Hey, Dick, it's your mom. I agree. Pregnancy is the biggest problem in the universe. Regretting it to this day. Oh, he's talking about me. Yeah, my mom would call me directly with that. Burn. She'd call me to tell you.

Hello, gentlemen. It's President James Garfield calling to join the ranks of presidents who have told Dick and go fuck himself. Go fuck yourself, Nick. Yeah, great. Somebody keeping track, James Garfield called in until he gets his in the end, though. He was assassinated, right?

He was assassinated. One of like three presidents who have been assassinated? Lincoln, JFK, and Garfield, right? McKinley. Oh, McKinley. Oh. Hey, guys, Chester A. Arthur from Die Hard 3, right? We all know something about presidents.

No? I guess. Go for it. I got nothing. Yeah, I don't know what the reference was. Diehard 3. I don't remember. Oh, God, all right.

Here's me all end on. No, I got two more. There was some debate about evolution last week. Yeah. So someone called in to clear it up. Oh, great. What's up, guys? This is Charles Xavier.

I'm a professor of evolution, and I specialize in genetic mutation. And this is how I talk. Anyway, I'm just wrong because I want to clear a few misconceptions about how evolution actually works. Thank God. So let's start with some of our terminology. Mutation is the same thing as being born with a superpower.

That's right. It is random, like you were saying, the random part is that just because someone's born with a mutant gene, it's totally random what superpower they're actually going to get. They might get retractable clause. they might get eye lasers. If they're really lucky, love me, there'll be a mine feeder.

Eye lasers. Now, survival of fittest, survival of fittest comes in when there's going to be an epic superhero battle. You know, that's the only way we can settle it out which random mutation is actually going to help you succeed in your environment. So is it going to be better to have super speed or super strength? Is it better to control fire or is it better to control ice?

So you have to have these epic battles preferably once to destroy half of New York City in order to figure that out. out. All right, so there is a place in evolution for both random selection and survival of the fittest. I just thought I would call and clear that up. If you have any more questions about evolution,

feel free to stop by my school. And Dick, you can go tell Magneto to go fuck himself. So, was that, that guy was from Cornell? Professor X, Xavier? Charles Xavier? I think he was British. The real professor, I mean the fake Professor X? The guy, the

caller. I'm not sure, I'm not sure that I'm going to have to do some fact checking for the Oh, yeah. No, I believe he went to school in England. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One more. Okay. Oh, yeah, man. I can't wait to grow up and I'm going to bang a chick. You know, you're banging both. That's two for one.

Max, that's horrifying. Yeah. Are you high? Yeah. Who said this in? What is this? More bags of seeing? I forget. That's great. That's great. You don't want that kid I don't know

It just doesn't get You're welcome ladies I'm gonna Jackie Treehorn sent this in I'm sitting around I will run into just strangers Who come to your land And they're just bitching about the pizza

Oh you gotta check out DeFournos You gotta check out DeJarnos Or Johns or Joes or what are the fuck It mutilates your vagina How about this for a ruining of fun? A fucking pizza snobbing. Shut the fuck, I'm letting you eat your meal. You got to carry watermelons for them next thing, you know?

I love cyberset. I don't give a shit. That's the good song. You think grapes are the only thing that weather affects? No, man. What's the hell you're talking about? Well, first of all, if you're still, like, inexperienced in high school. But I guess two, what is going on?

What? Go ahead. No, you didn't... No, uh-uh-uh, uh-uh, no. Yeah, you're just never very specific. You're being real spacey right now. What's up? What's going on?

I'm not spacey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're being very, like, spacy and weird. What's going on? This is the most in-tune I've ever been in my life. Flat, soggy, sad, so floppy. It can't even hold its structure. Sad, folded.

No, man. I mean, yeah, what? I mean, it's gross and weird, but, uh, everybody's a piece of snob and an idiot. Except, except like people who, you know, blue-collar worker, the salt of the earth's workers. But then there's the people who like, they like good pizza too. There is, there is such thing as good pizza, right? I mean, objectively, is there? Sure, it's pizza.

Uh-huh. Yeah. You know what, I take everything back. Good. Good song. Smart.