The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 59

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS. With over 3.2 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I am Mad Oxwell with me as Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Welcome back. Did you notice that intro? I left off Sean, our audio engineer. He's not here. He's not here today.

No. He sent me a weird text right before, last night when we were setting up the time to record. And he said he had to... had to go be in a penis contest. Yeah, a penis contest at the penis fair. At the penis fair, exactly. Yeah, he's at the penis fair right now. We have no idea where this is taking place or what happens at the penis fair, but Sean is there right now. Yeah. Yeah. He's also not editing this episode. No. You know, because you can hear that last sentence. So I don't know if he's, if he's competing in it, if he's judging it,

or if he's just cooking up a penis-related dish at the penis fair. But he's there. If you're at the penis fair, go ahead and say hi to him. Yeah, they need a lot of judges. They have a lot of things that need to be tasted at the penis fair. Is that what you think he's doing? A gay joke? No, that's not necessarily gay.

I mean, Sean is straight. You can still taste penises and be straight. That's true. That's true. The only difference between a straight guy and a gay guy if you taste a penis pie is that you enjoy it. One of them enjoys it. Well, let's see what the Supreme Court has to say about it.

I don't even want a way in. I don't even want a way in. It doesn't matter. Whatever the Supreme Court says. That's the law. Well, it's done. It's done. Big week this week.

Big week this week. All right, speaking of big weeks, what happened last week? Did free water cups beat out anti-intellectualism? No. It should have. No. Free water cups did not beat out anti-intellectualism. Anti-intellectualism was the number one problem from last week.

Did pretty well. I was bringing it in. I didn't even have time in the episode last time because the conversation got derailed. But I was trying to, at some point, make a case for our listeners being anti-intellectual for voting up social justice warriors higher than real problems,

actual real problems on the list, like hunger and obesity. Yeah, but that's the beauty of this show, isn't it? Is it? You get to see what everybody's private priorities are. You know? Like, let's be honest. Problems that are thousands of miles away from us are just not as important as the problems that are at our front door. Yeah.

That's the way we're built. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I am. You are. That's absolutely, there is something absolutely wrong with that. Well, I don't know, Maddox? Yeah. Do you live by that as well?

Dick, that is the problem. That is why social justice warriors are so infuriating is because they're sitting here complaining about this minutia. when they could be tackling actual things that are affecting millions and millions of women in horrific ways, like female genital mutilation. I see zero articles on Facebook about that every week, but I see hundreds of articles every month about man spreading and gawking and cat-calling and all the shit. I see what you're saying, and I agree with you, but I will say this. As the problems get larger in scope, like when you're talking about female genital mutilation,

versus something like, I don't know, free water cups. Yeah. These solutions also get incredibly complicated. Like if you were to say, all right, everybody, we all have decided that female FGM is a big problem. Yeah. What are we going to do about it? Half of those people are going to say, it's because of Islam. And then you're going to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, let's solve something else.

I just bit off a big old matzabal. Do you see what I'm saying? It's not as easy as saying let's fix it when the solution. is so complicated. It's not, Dick. The solution is ban it. That's what Nigeria just did. Because of me, you're welcome, everyone.

I did it. Well, I banned female genital mutilation in Nigeria because of my podcast episode. I brought it in as a problem. The president of Nigeria, big fan, he calls into the show. I'm surprised he hasn't called in yet. Speaking of...

Yeah, he hasn't called it yet. We are expecting a call from the president of Nigeria any day. Warm up those accents, boys and girls. Yeah. No, you just ban it. It's not just Islam. It's the majority of Islam does not practice female genital mutilation. It is a cultural, it is a cultural thing.

Okay. So you ban it like you ban marijuana and like all other crimes? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like just because you ban it doesn't mean people stop doing it. Well, okay, hold on. That's not true. If you ban it, like first of all, marijuana is nothing like female genital amelation. That's a bad analogy.

But it's almost the opposite. It's almost the exact opposite. It's not the exact opposite. You don't put a joint in a child's vagina and call it a day. It doesn't fix things. Child, please. It's gross when you say it like that. Okay, yeah.

No, Dick, it is a problem that can be solved simply by banning it, and that's not going to make it entirely go away, sure. But it will start the cultural trend against it. Yeah. I agree with you. I'm just saying it's not as easy as attack the biggest. problem because the big problems have very complicated solutions that people will defend to the death. Yeah, speaking of cultural trends dick, this week, the Supreme Court turned over the gay marriage

ban. Yeah. And I saw it. Congratulations, gays. Welcome to hell. Yeah. Welcome to trying to dodge this question for the rest of your lives. When are we getting married? Yeah. That was the big joke. I saw Comedy Central Key and Peele had a skid about that. Oh, did they? Yeah, where they were interviewing Keen Peel and I think Peel was like over the top excited and he's like yeah I can't wait to get married and his partner's like well we didn't expect it to happen so fast and then he goes

yeah we're already planning on places and he goes well we're going to talk about it for sure we're going to talk about this yeah and then Stephen Colbert made a joke about that too about how it's now a huge problem for gay guys with commitment issues now that's the biggest problem on the docket

now here's the thing Dick I saw this meme floating around where people were saying my post on Facebook contributed to this hashtag slackivism, right? I think that when you post things on Facebook specifically to change cultural trends, because essentially whether or not we as a culture decide gay marriage is okay is entirely our opinion. There is no natural law forbidding gay guys from getting married, right? Or women from getting married. No, the natural law is against marriage.

Like marriage itself is a perversion of the national. natural law, you might say. I mean, it's against my beliefs. All marriage is against my beliefs. Yeah. I think that we should push to the Supreme Court to get all marriage banned. Well, yeah, I would support that. Anyway, but when it comes to something that just comes down to changing people's minds and perceptions,

I don't think that's lackivism, because there is no other way to do it. Essentially, you could buy a billboard on a very busy intersection and hope that enough people see it and have their minds changed. Or you could do that for free on Facebook. There is no difference. Essentially, you're just trying to change people's minds. Yeah, the gay marriage, it's interesting because there was a sudden public reversal on opinion. Oh, well, I would say in 10 years, like, have you seen,

I would call 10 years in a population of 300 million people, the swing from a lot of people were against it to like so many people are suddenly for it. I would say that that happened in about 10 years and that it was. extremely fast. You think 10 years is fast? Well, for something like that. Maybe. Maybe you're right. Well, we went from a past where like every politician, Obama included, Clinton included,

Schwarzenegger included, all ran on tickets opposing gay marriage. Yeah. Right? And now all of a sudden you have the White House bathed in a rainbow like it's Rainbow Bright's headquarters. And they're like, oh, you guys, hey, nobody remembers when we were all against this, right? Because we're all for it now. I painted the fucking White House.

Like that is a huge cultural shift. It is. It is a huge cultural shift. Yeah, I think that happened relatively fast. If you compare that cultural shift to other ones, like the civil rights movement. Yeah. Yeah, okay, I'll give you that. And I would have liked, this is just me speaking, I would have liked to see it play out more in public. It's cool that it's decided, that it's, you know, over and everybody can celebrate, that it's legal.

Personally, I would have liked to have seen more people convinced the traditional way. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know how public opinion swayed so extremely quickly. Well, the only difference we have between the way that this happened today, now, and in the past cultural shifts that happen, is we have the internet, we have social networks, and we have greater mobility in communication. You are able to hear from the smallest voices with no platform. Some dude sitting in his basement in Utah, for example, can post a the comments or an opinion on the internet. In between his

correspondence. In between writing correspondence to his pen pals. You know, you fucker, the first time I ever did a Twitch stream, all people could talk about was soup. It took over the conversation. People were just talking about what your favorite soup, and then they started talking about clam chowder and chicken noodle.

How do you feel about clam chowder? Good. That's good, okay. Yeah, I like to put Tabasco. Lots of Tabasco in it. Yeah, good, good, good. All right, Dick. I'm sorry to change the topic from the spicy conversation of delicious clam chowder, but I have some sad news to share. One of the reasons I like to do this podcast, and I respect the medium of broadcasting, I've always been a fan of talk radio ever since I was a kid. When I was 12 years old, I would call into talk radio stations

every morning. I'd set my alarm, wake up, and I have a tape at home. I got to find that tape. Oh, yeah. Yeah, of me in sixth grade calling into this radio station. in Utah called the Imagination Station. Right. And as a child, I would call in and talk to the host. He got to know me by first name. Is he still alive? I have no idea.

Would he know you? Like, would he remember those days? I mean, probably not. My voice was different back then. So I called in all the time. I started listening to Talk Radio from a very young age. I listened to Likas and Stern and Phil Hendry and all the local talk stations. One of the things that I like about talk radio is when there is that honest.

and you, it affords you the ability to speak about whatever you want, and it's a really interesting medium. And part of that honesty is just sharing, sharing the host's lives with you guys, right? So something sad happened to me this last week. My sister killed herself. It's, it's really tragic. It's really sad. And I talked to my family, and everyone was affected in a different way. This was my half-sister for my dad's side of the family, if you want to be technical. But, yeah, it's really sad. It was a case of depression. And, you know, without going into too much detail, I'll just say that she was depressed

because it was the anniversary of her partner's passing who died, I think, a year prior. And she just really, really felt depressed about that. And I just want to say, guys, if you are feeling that way, if you're not, have those thoughts, if you have those considerations. I read this somewhere, and I'm not sure it'll help, but why not book a last ticket somewhere, right? Travel. If you're going to kill yourself, kill yourself in another country.

Because when you get there, you might change your mind. You might say, okay, this country's awesome, I'm going to hang on for a little bit longer, or you might get there and say, this country sucks, and it might exacerbate the situation, I don't know, but travel. Don't die with funds in your bank account. Go someplace. That's a good point. Because that's going to get wasted.

Yeah. By some shithead. Yeah. On your casket, guys. Come on. Don't waste it on your airs. That's garbage. There was that guy who was suicidal.

At least bury it with you. Take it with you. Buy some collectibles. Buy a lot of rare Pokemon cards and say, throw it in the casket. It's all fucking mine. Buy a one-of-a-kind thing and bury it with you as a fuck you to everyone else.

Like our limited edition, Ash from Army of Darkness sculpture. that But Sanchez sent us and Randy, Kaya, and their producer, repaired. Randy repaired the, we're going to post this on the website. Ash is completely repaired. We're going to post that on the website. But one last thing I just want to mention about the suicide thing. There was a guy a while back who was suicidal, and he decided to book one last ticket to Mexico,

just go have a weekend in Mexico. He went down and had a threesome with hookers and did a whole bunch of blow. And he decided, you know what, my life's pretty awesome. And he changed his mind. He got an STD, but he changed his mind. Still alive today. Guys, talk to somebody, do something. Book a ticket somewhere, you know?

Suicide affects a lot of people in ways that you don't even understand or realize. It's a cloud that clouds your judgment, and it's temporary. Give it another day, give it another night, wait till the morning. Think clearly. Don't make decisions emotionally. Anyway, that's all I want to say on that. Well, at the very least, by... 10,000 copies of our bonus episode, which is now available on iTunes.

Our most recent bonus episode is finally available on iTunes. Yeah, and Dick, we need to emphasize. I keep getting emails from people saying, hey, it's like 10 bucks in iTunes or seven. That's not our fault. It's not our fault that it does that. iTunes makes you go through this whole stupid thing because it's so long, they default to $9.99 when we publish it, and they make you submit a price change request form over and over until it gets reset.

And then I have to go through CD Baby to do it, and they are taking fucking forever for some reason. You know, Dick, I will say it is your fault in some way because you're an Apple supporter, and this is a shit company with a shit product. They make everything fucking difficult. They make a pain in the ass to use everything, to change anything, to tinker with anything.

All right. They hate it. They hate it when their customers are happy. Okay, I got some voicemails for you. Hey, Matt Knox, now you can get married since this. Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is in every state now. Right. And Dick, you can go fuck yourself.

The gay porn. It's a gay porn. Legally now. It's a celebration, guys. It's a celebration. Maybe Dick and I will get married. Fuck it. Somebody said that.

No, you would... Man, I got the most amazing health insurance. What would I get out of this relationship? You'd get a great husband. Really? It's cooking me spicy foods every night. I'm shitting my brains out. Spicy buffalo chili, buddy.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, well, we got to talk after the show. This sounds like a good deal. Put that in you, Crow. All right, here's one. I've got a voicemail for my woman. I always play those.

Hey, guys, this is Debra from Boston. Nics, I was listening to the episode of the anti-intill, whatever. But not being smart thing. Oh, my God, who cares? What's the one thing you can't fuck books? Oh, I'm so smart. Go fuck yourself. Dick?

You'll work it right with the thing about the water. It's, like, so funny. Yeah. I love you, and I'll come over and start. on your tiny face anytime. Oh, fuck you're so hard. We'll get chilly everywhere, and I'll even change your sheep faster.

You don't gonna use a condom. If we get a baby, we'll just give it to Maddox and he's so fucking smart and knows how to raise a free baby. Right, Maddox? Get raped. That's right. I am smart. First of all, I was wicked smart

with the water problem, or wicked funny or whatever one it was. A wicked smart, wicked funny. She wants to sit on your tiny face. It's not tiny. I do not have a... A tiny face. Yeah.

It's about the size of a thumbprint. A normal adult thumbprint. All right, calm down. Yeah, why would she want to give me the baby? I just throw it away. I don't know. She didn't think that went through. I guess we're not getting married after all.

You got your new chick from Boston. Maddox, you fuck. Metron? Metron is a girl? Are you fucking? You fucking get me? I know, you fuck. I know, you fuck.

It's relationalism. You son of a bitch. Sammas. Sam it. much of land. It's for a fucking name. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't even want to imagine when you're like a fucking street fighter. Great. I want to hear them all. Fuck you. Fuck you. Huh.

How many right now? Swing! What a fucking idiot. He fucked up. I got a comment from Matt Barr. Oh, he's back? I don't know. That's the street fighter challenger.

Oh, is that the guy? Okay. Is he trash talking you? A little bit. Bring it on. You know, at the end of the last episode, I said that whoever, so you were trying to decide

what the, the winner should get. And I said, well, a night with the loser's girlfriend. Yeah, that's a good prize. Or boyfriend if they're gay. Whatever. It's legal now. So Matt Barr, it's legal now. It's legal now to make those jokes. Yeah. Go ahead. Yeah. Matt Barr commented he said, I mean, if Maddox really wants to spend

a night with my right hand, Matt Barr, no girlfriends. Speaking of Street Fighter, Kevin Ward said he turned into your Twitch channel to take notes on how to play Street Fighter 2, or Street Fire Alpha 2 like a badass. That'd be good. this has been his most successful strategy. Hadukin, Hadduken, Hadduken, Hadduken, Hadduken, Hadduken, Haddiken, Haddukin, Haddukin,

He's got about 50 Hadukins there. Yeah. You know what, Dickhead? I was fighting Sagat. Okay? That's how you fight Sagat. Because all he does is spam you with fireballs, and you have to hit fireball with fireball. Either that or alpha counter.

But if he's across the room and you do an alpha counter, you're going to shoot an uppercut in the air, and it leaves you open. Yeah. This guy's an idiot. He doesn't understand the mind. of a pro player. Okay? Yeah.

Professor Maddox is my name on Twitch. Professor Maddox. I mean, it's real Maddox is my Twitch account. But I call myself Professor Maddox. You know what the first, what the prefix of professor is? Pro. I'm a pro professor. Not an amateur professor.

No. Well, I did tune into your Twitch. I saw a couple street fighter videos. And I was very impressed, but then it was you lose at the end. And I was like, oh, I thought you were doing great. That was the computer playing. If it said you lose that, the computer must have been playing itself. And recording it and then posing as you?

I guess. A computer imposter? We got some artificial intelligence. I don't know. I got another voicemail about the whole street fighter thing. Great. Hey, Maddox, this Web City Moodyhead again. I have one quick question for you.

Why are you challenging somebody at the most casual of street fighters? Is it because you suck at combos? Is it because all you could do is, fucking Perry like a new Why don't you go play a real man's game? A real man's sport You know what that fucking Sport? It's called Marvel versus

Capcom 2, you fucking casual. Oh, this fucking douche. I know that game. I know Marvel versus Capcom too, and I know the secret to playing that game is to mash the controller with your entire fist. This fucking douche nozzle has the

audacity to call into this show and Tell me to play a non-casual streetfighter. And then the first thing I thought, when I thought casual street fighter, I'm like, well, there's Marvel versus Capcom. That's the most casual of casual fighting games. Next to Smash Brothers, which isn't even a fighting game. Smash Brothers is an experiment and frustration and random button matching.

That's true. It's garbage. And everyone on my chat, Twitch stream says, oh, why don't you play Smash Brothers? Because it's a garbage game, and you're a garbage player for liking it. So this idiot has the balls to call into this. show and suggest I play non-casual and I'm doing air quotes

right now, you get me so fucking mad and I never do this, I look like Nixon now. I can hear the air quotes in your voice. Somehow when anybody ever does air quotes, you can hear it in their voice. Yeah, well I'm doing it with my voice and my fingers right now. And this guys tell me to play non-casual game and to play Capcom versus Street Fowder. Guys,

that is the most casual. That's a fighting game, tourism. That's what that is. These pussies. Why don't you just suggest I play Street Fighter EX, you dips shit? I wish I knew what that was. It's garbage. I got one for me.

Yeah, hi. This is President William Taft. This is how I talk. I'm just calling to make a few points here. Number one, obesity, not a problem. Okay. Thanks, Taft. Second.

Fatest president. Her name is Samas, you stupid motherfucker. And Dick, go fuck yourself. Yeah. All right. Is somebody keeping track of these presidents? Dick, Dick, my favorite female video game character still remains Metroid. One more, one more.

Okay. We got how much of that George Zimmerman conversation made it into the last podcast? Too much, I would say. Too much because it got derailed, Dick. Look, when I mentioned that shit, I just mentioned it as tapestry to illustrate the motivation for Dylan Roof. he himself, in his own words, said that it was the Zimmerman trial that motivated him.

Yeah. So, and then when you were... Which I don't understand why, because Zimmerman got off. Right. Yeah. So how did that motivate him? I mean, he's a racist dipshit. He's ignorant, right?

He's ignorant. He's a moron. And that's why I was building the case for anti-intellectualism is that anti-intellectualism leads to ignorance and racism. Okay. So Dick, when you mention... So here's something that really pissed me off the last episode.

Because it sounded like you were defending Zimmerman. Well, in a way I was. Okay. Well, I'm not saying you're racist, but your opinions align with people who are racist. Well, you know, I like Diet soda, too. There's a lot of racist. No, true. You are not racist, for sure.

I didn't follow the trial with a magnifying glass like everybody does, because I just don't follow that shit. Like it's a, it's like our version of the Gladiator games to me. Right. When those big cases hit, like when the Casey Anthony case hits and when the Zimmerman case hits, I'm like, you're not going to know what happened until several months after the trial. And even then, it's still going to be, well, there's some doubt as to what happened. Yeah. And the George Zimmerman case, specifically people sent versions of events that I found to be more believable than the media story that was at the time.

I brought some of them in, but I don't want to rehash it. Because I feel like if you really want to know what the testimony led to in the George Zimmerman trial, you can just go look it up. Yeah, Dick, I did look it up around that time. Yeah. And here's the nuance that you dipshits were completely missing from that last episode. Uh-huh. Did I ever at once say that I disagreed with the verdict? No.

No. Because I don't. No. I think based on the evidence that they had, they ruled correctly. Right. Because there wasn't enough evidence to convict George Zimmerman. However, the distinction, and this is an important one, is that just because it's legal doesn't mean it's right or just or ethical.

That's the distinction that everybody fucking missed. Because people automatically try to frame this debate into a political one, where it's liberal versus conservative, and the liberals want to take away our guns, and they want to frame this as racism, I don't think that there is enough evidence to prove that Zimmerman was racist. However, there's plenty of evidence to prove that Zimmerman was a hundred, hothead looking for a fight because he's been arrested five times.

And since then, he was arrested for brandishing a shotgun in his apartment. And then it was a domestic dispute. And the cops showed up and he barricaded himself in his apartment with a shotgun. He had to take anger management classes for assaulting a cop. This is the guy you guys are defending. You're giving this dipshit at the benefit of the doubt. It brought out all the closet racists in the comments. Oh, man, I had a heyday arguing with these morons.

Oh, no. Anyway, Dick, I just got a comment from Thomas Coleman. He says, Dick, the image in your head of an anti-intellectual is exactly the problem. That is how most people with a negative view of intelligence see it. A person who calls themselves an intellectual generally is not. Maddox being the obvious exception. The people... Maddox, who can write off the entire libertarian philosophy with one backhanded remark.

Very intellectual. It's not even a remark, Dick. It's one word. It's a theory. Oh, yeah. There you go. Very intellectual of you. What's more about this new idea called libertarianism?

Nope, hate it, stupid libertarians. Go tip your fedora somewhere else, you nerd. I said it's a theory. Very intellectual. It's a theory, buddy. It's an untested theory, by the way. What's the theory? Well, I'll let you explain it someday.

I want to continue this comment. He says, Thomas Coleman, he says, The people who you and many others hate and afterwards extend their hate to actual intellectuals are simply not. I know this is borderline, no true Scotsman territory, but to ascribe such a positive attribute to yourself like that is simply narcissistic and shows that you don't deserve that label. He's talking specifically about the example you gave where you said there's a guy with a Ferrari and all these books in his car in his garage. Jackass. He continues, yeah, that's a

pseudo-intellectual, not an anti-intellectual. And anti-intellectual is a maybe the biggest problem in the universe because it perpetuates ignorance. That was the point. Thank you, Thomas, for picking that up. A short list of problems exacerbated by this are anti-vaxers, female genital mutilation, slacktivism, militarized police, conspiracy dipshits, engineering sexism, armchair

psychologists, social justice warriors, and other inwards. These are all philosophies that spawn from ignorance, Dick, right? Well, see, that's where I kind of disagree. I think the engineering sexism philosophy is part of it's based on business.

It's like a business in this country. to be outraged. Oh, I'll give you that. Part of it probably is. But what percentage? You can't deny that some percentage of it is ignorance. Well, the wage gap one is certainly ignorance. Like, I bet if you sat more people down and said,

look, this is the actual number. If you have a problem with that, it's... William McCormick says, I remember when the 80-mile-per-hour question was, what's heavier? A ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? I saw that. That's funny.

Pretty funny. Oh, you remember how you said science can't answer why? but it can answer everything else. Oh boy, do you bring in that professor? No, no, I didn't. I brought in some why questions that science can't answer. Okay. Why is the sky blue?

You've got to ask the Bible that? Okay. That's a... Why is water wet? That's a fucking red herring, dick. Why do you go bald? That's a good one. No, it's not that good.

But here's a what question that science can answer. What is the meaning of life? Can't. Well, you said science answers, What, when, where, how. But not why. Okay. So what is the meaning of life?

Sure. I don't know. Great. I get what you're saying now. There were so many armchair linguists in the comment section this time. It was so funny, there was a guy who was arguing that he was, he had a philosophy degree and a physics degree. Wow. And he was saying, well.

It's a double thread. Yeah, double thread of the appeal to authority fallacy for sure. Oh, God. Don't start with me on those fallacies. I hate those fallacies. Anti-intellectual. Anti-intellectual, voted up. No, it's because you don't know why?

Seriously? Here's why. I think anti-intellectualism at its core means objectifying a set of ideas and a philosophy into a package that can be discounted. And that, I think, is a big problem. No, it's not that. It's not that at all. Here, Dick.

No, it is specifically, anti-intellectualism is specifically the, the embrace and celebration of ignorance, and sometimes the lack, it is the absence of critical thinking. That is anti-intellectualism. All right, I think mine sounded better. Are we ready to get to some problems? Let's do it.

You go first this time. I don't want to be accused of filibustering you from your important problems. Maddox, you took, like, your problems somehow start in a ground, like they start on the paper, and then they go around to, like, racism, They make these huge sweeping arcs like a Haley's comet going around the universe. Like it's the cause of everything.

Yeah. Well, it's my fault that the conversation got derailed last time, right? Not the straw man argument, that Zimmerman trial, right? Okay. Fucking George Zimmerman. From beyond the grave. My problem is no smoking. No fumar.

That's my problem. No fumar. What an ass. That was the problem, by the way, Dick, that you were going to bring in last time that we ran out of time. Right. Okay. What? We got a comment.

Now who's derailing what? I just want to mention. Go ahead. Go ahead. In Dick's defense, his original problem was supposed to be of greater significance from last episode. That was now was Natchetech safer work. He commented that. That was the problem that we didn't get to.

Yeah, that was the problem I was going to bring in because it's a big problem, I think. Okay. And it stems from the fact that Hawaii has raised, last week, Hawaii raised the legal smoking age from 18 to 21. Huh. What is, now my, when I hear that, I'm horrified. Instantly horrified. Yeah.

What is your initial impression of that? Did you know that, first of all? I knew that only because you mentioned it to me, and I don't care. I sent it out of my libertarian newsletter. Attention, libertarinos. Yeah, it's just called every email I get from you. Dix always putting some libertarian philosophy in his signature. That's, uh, anyway, no, when I, when I, when I,

Like brainwashing, I'll sneak it in there. Yeah, I'm like, huh, maybe deregulation is a solution. No, when I heard that, Dick, I just thought, huh, okay, don't give a shit. Don't give a shit. I am well, I'm happy that we are well on the way towards illegalizing cigarettes. Why? Because it has a net effect on public health, and since we are moving towards universal health care, you shouldn't.

You're killing me. You shouldn't. Buddy, you're killing me. Are you serious? Do you really think that? Yes. So you really think that, I mean, you're protecting people from themselves, and now you've made it, you've made it a financial decision.

Yeah. Because you don't want to financially support them when they've got lung cancer and emphysema and stuff. Now it's your pocketbook that they're affecting. Right. Hey, you want to smoke? God bless, man. Go fucking smoke. Do whatever you want.

You want to be a fat ass. Eat whatever you want. Live your life. you want. The government shouldn't get involved, right? I'm all for that until it comes to my pocketbook, Dickhead. If it comes to my pocketbook and I have to, I have to subsidize your shitty habit with health care, with higher health care rates because of lung cancer is going up because you're smoking this cancerous piece of shit cigarette, which by the way, Bill, you know, the comedian Bill Hicks? Yeah. He had a, he had a famous routine talking about how he's going to

smoke and smoke and smoking. He doesn't give a fuck and he doesn't give a shit. He died from on cancer. Like a year after he was making a joke. You're like, you're like grinning like you're, like you're happy about this. Like you've got one over on him. No. It's what happened. You do feel superior to him in some way, don't you? In every way. Oh man. I, I really hate everything you just said. Like I really do. Because where does it end? Seriously, where does it, where is it, where does it, where it, where does it end? You shouldn't be letting children drink Coke then. That's a way, that's just as, I brought some numbers. Yeah.

443,000 people die of smoking every year. 598, 600,000 people die of obesity. So if you're talking about saving people's lives and protecting your pocketbook, knocking out smoking is less of a problem, is less important than knocking out, you know, soda. Dick, I follow your logic. And you support it. I am totally on board of it.

100% You are a sick bastard Yeah I get it I understand the logical leap that you're making here And I am totally on board I bought my ticket

I've checked it in I got my luggage in hand I'm ready to top on you yet You have your bayonet And your free V in hand You have your 1984 book in hand Which you didn't take as a satirical take of the state You took it as an instruction book list

It's an instruction book Yeah you've When you read 1984 in high school or college Or whenever you read it whatever weird shirtless, shoeless professor made you read that for the first time. You said, oh, I get it. So this is what we're supposed to do? And he said, oh, God, no.

Absolutely not. That's a description of the most horrifying society there could ever be. And you went, oh, I see. So we should do this but worse. Yeah, okay. Because banning, taking away your cigarettes takes us towards 1984, right? That's like thought control and government override of the media. Oh, buddy, when they come after your video games, you're going to be singing a different

to it. They already have buddy. They try to make video games the big devil after the Columbine shooting. Okay, so this is what bugged me about the no smoking announcement, no Fulmar announcement. The quote from the governor, or the quote from, I don't know, the quote from some bitch at the Department of Health who worked on this. Quote, Dick Masters said, the quote from some bitch at the health department. Fuck her, man, they're taking me my cigarettes. Most people who begin smoking, this is to justify the ban, most people who begin smoking about, 99% start before the age of 21. So this will help our young people delay starting tobacco use,

said Lola Irvin, the administrator of horseshit. So I said, huh, what did she say there? Most people start before the age of 21. So I looked it up on the cancer. On cancer.org, nine out of 10 adult smokers, that's 90% of smokers,

start by the age of 18. Yeah. So it was all really. It was already illegal. It was already more than 90% had started even before the age 18. Right. So this reasoning for the law, first of all, that's a huge disingenuous lie. I agree.

Right? Yeah. Do you take offense to that, at least? What? That she lied? Yes. And that's dishonest. Yeah, of course.

That's dishonest. It's misleading. Okay. It is very misleading. Okay. Here's my point. So this is a law built to protect people from themselves. right? I mean, that's basically what you're saying.

I mean, that is your libertarian twists on it, right? That's your interpretation. Well, it's just like seatbelts and motorcycle helmets. Like, everybody wraps this stupid financial. They wrap this facade around it, like, well, it's affecting the economy, so that's why we have to protect these people from themselves. But I really think it's just about protecting people from themselves. Like, I really think these governors and pretty much everyone in society was not a smoker,

thinks that they have to stop these people from doing something harmful. I know that you really think that, Dick, and you do this a lot. You say something with a lot of conviction, which makes it sound like you have justified it. But I know what you think, but you're not telling me why you think that. Oh, you want like a thought process, or do you want to study behind why I think that? Well, either one. I want to know, give me some rationale for why you think that we shouldn't legislate things that affect the economy at large. and other people at large, when, say, for example,

somebody who wears a seatbelt, who doesn't wear a seatbelt, goes through the window of their car, they have much more severe injuries and trauma, and that, in turn, causes higher healthcare costs, right? Uh-huh. And everybody foots the bill for that in terms of, even without universal health care,

if that person is insured, which they have to be, by law, then it causes insurance premiums to go up, and everybody collectively has to pay more because you are going through that windshield because you stubbornly refused to wear your seatbelt. I'll tell you why I think it. Because it's a story. It doesn't have any data or statistics behind it.

They don't say exactly how much it increases healthcare, because they have no idea. There's no studies that are presented along with that that says it costs everybody exactly 0.002 cents to go along with that. It's a story that you're emotional, that the emotional part of your brain buys into, while the real reason gets to slide on right under the story. surface, which is, oh, fuck them.

I got to protect these people from this. I'm Jesus. Okay. Everything leads back to I'm Jesus. I'm just saying that's how I think people work. If you give them a little story that they can buy into, they're capable of doing something much worse. You think that just because we don't have that precise number, which I disagree,

I think that if you looked into it, people have probably done this research and found that there is a precise, okay. I looked into the outdoor smoking thing. Okay, you think that it's because people have a Jesus complex. That's the more rational explanation. right for why we are legislating things that uh you know banning cigarettes or forcing people to wear seatbelts it's a jesus complex and forcing people to wear motorcycle helmets yeah okay absolutely well i mean

so the point i was gonna make you think it's insane yeah the first the first novel everybody always writes is either they're either jesus in their novel or they're faust you ever heard that no yeah it's uh i think it's an oscar wild uh quote is either oscar wild or mark twain explain that i don't understand the story that everybody writes every writer writes their first novel they are the character of either Jesus, where they're going through this novel, doing no wrong, and then sacrificing themselves for huge gain, or they're Faus, where they're making a deal with the devil.

Okay. Like, that's what people are. That's what appeals to them. I'm trying to think back to the alphabet of manliness, which one was I? And did I introduce a Jesus narrative or a Fausen narrative in my book? It's definitely Jesus.

I'll help you out with that. Thanks. And if anybody can pull passages where Maddox is crediting himself with miracles, please post them. Anyway, so they're protecting kids who are 18 to 21 from harming themselves, right? Would you say that's accurate? No, that's a spin on it.

But that's directly what she said. Okay, that's fine. That's fine that she said that. But another interpretation is that they are protecting the rest of society from having out-of-control health care costs. I don't think that's what they're saying in this press. Well, she sounds like an idiot. She sounds disingenuous. She sounds like a liar.

Okay, but go on with your point. You said that that's... My point is, these kids are... They're old enough at 18 to decide whether or not they can join the military. Right. And get killed. Or kill other people. But they're not old enough to decide whether or not they could smoke.

Hmm. Something about that doesn't ring true to me. I don't know. If I was 18 to 21, I would be pretty fucking pissed that I'm not allowed to do any of these, quote, unquote, self-harmful things. but I am allowed to march around in the dirt on the other side of the world with an M-16 or whatever they're using and, I don't know, spray bullets into quote-unquote bad guys. Right.

I would be pretty pissed about that. Yeah. But they don't have kids, they can't fight back. 18 to 21? Who cares? Right? Who cares that they're chipping it away? Right.

Who cares that they're not allowed to smoke? Yeah. I mean, if you are old enough to make those type of decisions to join the Army, Which, by the way, you have to. There's still selective service in this country. You have to enlist. Right? You don't have to enlist.

You have to register for the draft. Right, yeah. You have to register for the draft. That's selective service. Yeah. But, I mean, they could bring it back at any time. Sure. Something that still happens.

Yeah. So your argument is that if you're old enough to do that, if you're old enough to fight our wars, you should be old enough to smoke. Is that your argument? Yeah. If you're old enough to decide whether or not your life means joining the army, you're old enough to decide whether or not you could smoke and drink.

I agree with that. So would you be suggesting that they raise the minimum age for the selective service to 21? No. You would not be in favor of that. No, because I think you need kids in the army because they have a poor conception of mortality, especially their own. I don't think you can have an army of 21-plus-year-olds. I think you need immature people who don't understand the choice they're making. Oh, wait a minute.

So you need immature people who don't understand the choice they're making, but you're okay with having these immature people make decisions that will affect their lives, their personal health for the rest of their lives. One way or the other, pick. You can't have the Army one be out of sync with the smoking one. Well, the legal age limit for alcohol is also 21. Are you also opposed to that? Of course.

Okay. You think it should be lowered. Our kids, when our parents were around, it was 18. Yeah. They turned out fine. What happened? Yeah, I don't know, Dick. I've heard an argument made that they should,

lower the alcohol limit because when alcohol becomes a thing that you are legally allowed to do, everyone goes nuts at the age 21. Right. They did over drink, they overdo it. And there's even, I've even read articles that make a case for lowering the alcohol age limit to potentially even reduce sexual assault on college campuses because these happen when people get really drunk at parties. That's the majority, it's an acquaintance. It's somebody you know it happens at parties. So if they lowered the limit and then had it chaperoned with adults that were trying to keep the kids in line, let them drink, but just make sure that it doesn't get out of hand, and let them drink at a younger age so it's not such a novelty.

It's not so exciting when they turn older. That it could potentially have a better positive net effect. Because I've been to Europe. I've been to Italy where the drinking age, I think, is 16. And I remember going to a bar and a bunch of kids around me. I'm like, this is awesome. Weird. It's weird.

It's really weird. Yeah. But then. they have a different philosophy. They approach alcohol in a different way. They don't freak out about it. They don't give a shit. By the time they're adults,

they've had alcohol for a good chunk, like a quarter of their lives, and they're not going to overdo it. They're not going to go nuts with it. They have a glass of wine with dinner, and they call it a night, unlike Americans who go bonkers. Binge drinking.

Binge drinking. Yeah. Because it's not like, it doesn't mean you're an adult over there. Yeah. It means you're an adult here, which means you go fucking crazy with it, because you have this weird psychic attachment to it.

But, all right. Continuing with this smoking thing. So I found a guy, Ronald Bayer, who's a professor at Columbia University, who says that all the evidence they have about harm to non-smokers when you're out in public. You know how they're banning smoking in public now. Yeah.

Like you're walking down the street in Burbank, you can't smoke. Sure. You can buy a cigar. You can't walk outside and smoking. Okay. And Burbank's the city in California. Yeah. Again, this is under the guys.

of helping the economy, right? Because you guys are paying for health care now. So you'd think you'd need some evidence to back that up, right? Sure, sure. He says it doesn't exist. Okay. This guy who's your professor, right? It doesn't exist or it hasn't been found.

Extremely weak. Extremely weak. So I brought it in. I brought it in. A typical cigarette, this study from Stanford, lasts about 10 minutes. They found that if you're within two feet downwind of a smoker, you may be exposed to pollutant concentrations

that exceed 500 mills. of particulate matter, 2.5 and over, if you're exposed multiple times to multiple cigarettes over several hours in an outdoor pub, so you're at an outdoor pub drinking for several hours, right? Directly downwind two feet away from a smoker. Yeah. Does that sound reasonable to you, first of all? Reasonable in what capacity?

Are you saying that that number, that's a likely scenario? Yeah, that's closer than we are right now, where the wind is blowing directly from you to me. Dick, when I'm standing around smokers, it's closer than that. It's even closer than we are right now. It's usually when I'm standing around in a circle at a bar because I'm talking to someone,

they need to step outside to smoke because they have this addiction. Okay, that's why. Even then, you get 35 micrograms or more of particulate smoking matter, of whatever, bad stuff. Okay. Clean air has less than 20 micrograms. So it's only 15 more.

15 more, yeah. That's not that much. Even for the crazy scenario they're describing where you're two feet away and someone's blowing smoke right into your mouth. It's almost 50% more, Dick. That's quite a bit. That doesn't seem like a lot to me. Clean air?

Clean air? Less than 20. Clean air has less than 20. Yeah. So, I mean, less than 20, what is that? 18? Is it 15? Is it 10? Because if it's 15, I don't know. And it's 30, that's double.

It's 100% more. Yeah. It's a lot. Well, that doesn't seem like a lot to me, and this professor agrees with me. Well, apparently, the cancer rates... Okay, I get it, but apparently the cancer rates disagree with you. The people who smoke get proportionally more cancer, lung cancer. No one's saying cigarettes aren't bad.

Yeah. They're just saying, do they really have to be banned outside at the beach? Is there any real evidence for it, or are we just protecting everybody for themselves? Okay, that guy's talking about secondhand smoke. We're talking specifically about smoking as a habit in general, because, you can't argue that it's not unhealthy. You can't argue that it doesn't increase cancer rates. And then you can't argue that that has a net effect on the economy

because those people are more of a drain. They have to have chemo. They have to sit there in the hospital. They get tracheotomy. They get all sorts of nasty shit that happens to them. Yeah. And then we have to pay for it. Fuck you.

And the natural extension of the stick, your little alarmism at the top of this problem or you're talking about, well, what about obesity and fat people? Yeah. Yes. Tax them. Here's the thing. You want to be fat, be fat.

But you have to pay a transportation tax, buddy. You fly in a flight, you weigh twice as much as another passenger. Guess what? You should pay 20% more. You get a fat tax. You should pay more at the pumps, too. Because when you're driving your car around and you're carrying around an extra 100 or 200 pounds of fat with you, well, that's a drag on your car, isn't it, dickhead?

That means you have to, you have less fuel. efficiency. That means you're using more of the pump, you're using more at the grocery store, you should pay for it. And I'm okay with that. Live your life how you want, but don't make me, don't make me subsidize your shitty lifestyle. All right, that's my problem. No fumar. No fumar. Dick, doesn't that mean... Yeah, it means no farting. No farting. Dick, I got a real, I got a real problem. Let's get to a real problem this week, huh? Biggest problem in the universe is selfie sticks. Yeah, yeah.

Here, there we go. Smart. Selfie sticks. Something less, uh, less obtrusive than bicycles. Dick. Why are you such an asshole? Already. Go ahead.

Go ahead. I know this is going to, I'm just, I'm, I'm bracing for a defensive selfie sticks. Okay? Uh, first of all, they're not new. Did you know that selfie sticks? The first instance of a selfie stick was made in 1983. Yeah, Minota. Minota Corporation had a camera called a disc seven with a,

with a built-in selfie stick. The telescopic extender for cameras was patented in 1983, and then there was a book that came out in 1995 called 101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions. Have you ever seen this book, Dick? No. It's hilarious.

I remember going to bookstores and reading this book over and over again. They had all these crazy Japanese inventions that they market in Japan that are totally unuseless, as they call it. What does that mean? They're useless. They're useless.

but they do something? Kind of. Like, for example, here's one of the classic inventions from this book. It's a hat that you wear that is also an umbrella. Oh, okay. It's stupid. It's a silly little... Another one is they have grapefruit goggles, I think, was something they marketed in this.

Some, like, weird pair of glasses you put on that have these pinholes that protect your eyes in case a grapefruit squirts you in the eyes or something. Oh, okay. Just silly, stupid inventions. You know. Gags. Yeah. I'm not sure they're even gags.

They're just novelty. Well, one of them in this book was a selfie stick in 1995. It was included in this book of stupid shit. Then Time Magazine in 2014 listed the selfie stick as one of the 25 best inventions of 2014. I don't understand what they do. Like, I've been using my arm since before there was LCDs on screens. Yeah. Like, that was my thing.

I was really good at taking selfie. Remember when you couldn't see what you were? taking pictures of. Right. You just hold it out and like kind of angle it. Yeah. That was pretty good at that. And then they got the screens to come along.

What does a selfie stick do? Selfie stick is just an extender. You know what Dick? Here's what a selfie stick is. It's a megaphone for narcissism. Oh. It's a sidekick to self-absorption. That's what a selfie stick does.

That's what a selfie stick is. It's just, it's like your tool. It's like your briefcase full of tools for narcissism. You might as well carry around makeup, a lighting, You might as well carry around some reflectors. A crew following you around to document your life because it's so fucking important to get a really good shot of you. You need that selfie stick extender so you can get more of you in the picture, don't you dip shit.

And you know what it is, Dick? Selfie sticks wall us off from communication with other people. Because you don't have to ask somebody else to take a picture. You don't have to be social. It protects your delicate sensibilities from having to go up to somebody and say, hey man, you mind taking a photo of me? Yeah, I agree with you there. You might meet somebody, dickheads.

You might talk to another fucking human being, and who knows, maybe meet your partner in life, maybe network with somebody, get to know a stranger, find out what they're doing. Oh, I got a good dick tip for you. I was, I met, I started talking to these girls a couple weeks ago, walking down Hollywood. It was nighttime, so I was out drinking with my life coach.

Okay, of course. And she wanted me to take a picture of her and her friend. They were all dressed up to go to the club, whatever. hadn't yet taken off their heels and started crying yet because some guy wouldn't paying attention to him. Great. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Let me get the, let me get the phone. So I took a picture of them and it was dark, right? Because it's, the flash doesn't work. And it's night time. It's very well. It's night time. Yeah. So I give it back to them like, ah, let me, give me that back. Let me see that again. So take the phone,

I took out my phone. Here comes the tip. And I turned the flashlight on on my phone and held it out to light them up when I took the picture. It's a pretty good move. Next picture turned out great. Yeah. I see other people doing that. Specifically, the first time I saw that was a group of Asians doing it in a restaurant. And it was this, I remember I was at this Italian restaurant, and they were, that's the first time I ever saw a selfie stick. There were these, I think they were Korean.

There were these Korean girls sitting at a table. There were all, there's like 20 of them, and they're all Korean. I'm like, this is weird. I don't know what's going on here. There's something, some, some congregation going on here. I don't know. What, a flock of Korean girls? A flock of Korean girls? It's weird.

I don't know. But they're all sitting there. If you get too many Korean girls in the same place, a Korean spa forms out of it. Did you know that? That's true. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I should have stuck around. Like it forms out of the earth. Well, they were too busy with their selfie sticks and doing their flash tricks to do that. Dick, the New York Times, you know what they, this is really clever. They dubbed it the narcissistic. I love that. It's also been called the wand of narcissists. Yeah.

Okay, this is from the New York Times. It says, there are now vast automated networks to harvest all the narcissism, along with lots of personal data, creating extensive troves of user-generated content. The tendency to listen to the holy music of the self is reflected in the abundance of messaging and self-publishing services. Vine, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, Apple's new voice messaging service, and the rest. And they go on. They say the majority of the time that people are spending online is on Facebook, said Anthony DeRosa, editor-chief at Circa, a mobile news startup.

He says, you have to find a way to break through or tap into all that narcissism. We are way too into ourselves. And then they said that Facebook may be dominant, but Snapchat is growing much faster at over 55% in the last six months, whose younger skewing audience tells you where things might be headed. Selfies are the dominant midder of Snapchat, an art form so addictive that the New York State passed a law to take effect in February that outlaws self-portraits with tigers and lions. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What?

What's illegal about self-portraits with tigers and lions? They've passed a law that you can't take a self-portrait with tigers and lions in New York. Why? Because it's annoying? It's not only annoying. Oh, I'm sorry, Dick. Are we protecting us from ourselves? Yeah. You're not allowed to take a picture? A selfie.

With a lion? You don't see a problem with outlawing a picture, which is art by definition? That can't be right, what you just said. That's what it says in the New York Times. New York State passed a law to take effect in February that outlaws selfie portraits. Dick, you were on Snapchat or, excuse me, Tinder for a while, right? Yeah. On Tinder, one of the top profile pictures I saw on there was someone taking a selfie with a tiger

or a, well, it was mostly just tigers. Yeah, it's a tiger, and then the second one is a shot of Machu Picchu. Yeah, those are the two big photos. Or the picture of where they went to an African village and it's just like a bunch of black kids. And then the next picture is a close-up of her face because she's an enormous blimp. That's the third most popular picture on Tinder.

You only have one of those three. And? Well, that's unfortunate. It is unfortunate. Such a lie. Yeah. Such a lie. It is misleading.

Just be fat. Don't be fat and a liar. Dick, do you want a bunch of dipshits? Again, they're taking pictures with tigers. So I remember reading a while back where a guy was trying to take a picture where the tiger fell into the pit and got mauled by the tiger. Right? So that's what they're trying to prevent. At the zoo?

Yeah. He fell into the tiger enclosure? Yeah, man. Because they're trying to take selfies with tigers. Or they'll, also what this does, Dick, is it creates a black market for tigers. You go to Mexico. Shut up. No, it does.

Shut up. The selfie fucking narcissism has created a black market for tigers. Stop it. It has. What? A guy will drive over to your house with a van of a doped up tiger, like a bunch of lights. Like, it'll open up, like, baseball stadium lighting, and then you'll pose for your Tinder picture. Dick, you joke.

You joke. But they do dope up these tigers. Have you ever been in Senada? Ensenada Mexico. I don't think so, no. They have these little tents where they have baby tigers in them. And then these tigers, you go in this tent, you pay them like 20 pesos or whatever, and you pose with these tigers. And the tigers are really docile and really cute and really fun and you pet them and blah, blah, blah.

Because they're doped. They're doped up. They dope up these tigers and then you go to Mexico to take your fucking narcissistic selfie with this tiger so you can put on your Tinder profile so you can get laid, you fucking loser. This is what it's creating. It's creating a black market for this shit. That's why it's a big problem. That's not why. Because tigers are getting high.

Uh-oh. All these tigers got to go to college. They can't be wasting their day getting high with a bunch of dumb tourist brads with cornrows in their hair. Look, man, it's a gateway drug. Next thing you know, tigers are taking heroin. They're shooting up everywhere.

And who makes heroin? ISIS. We don't want a bunch of terrorist tigers. They're not. great. Dick, these tigers get desperate. They're sucking Dick for blow. It's tigers, man.

All over the street. I got to tell you, I have not, I hate selfie sticks too, obviously. I thought you were going to say you hate blow jobs from tigers. I probably do. They're not great. But I don't encounter selfie. I haven't encountered one walking around.

And I think it's because I don't go to tourist spots. Dick, you live in a tourist spot. I know, but nobody's like... You live in Hollywood. It's like one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world. That's why I'm so surprised. I don't see them walking around. Nobody wants to take a self-portrait of themselves in the men's room at the frolic room. You know what I mean? Well, no one wants to go to the frolic room. That's why I go there. It's great. It's awful.

Man, that ruined a date, by the way, one time. The frolic room, did I tell you to go there? There's this bar. There's this bar, guys. It's called the frolic room in Hollywood. And it's like, everything, on paper, it's everything you want in a dive bar. But in reality, it's a dive bar, and not a great way either. Not in a great way. It's just like the people who, it skews older, the people who drink there are 60 plus. So I took based on your advice one time, Dick,

I was in Hollywood desperately looking for a bar because I was on this hot date, right? I got your back. Oh yeah, yeah. I remember Dick in my mind one time saying, yeah, Frolic Room's a great place. Go check out for a so I said, okay, I heard my buddy said this place is cool. I walk in, it was like a cemetery. I walked in, I'm like, I turned

to my date, I said, I'm so sorry. Let's get out of here And I scramble to find someplace else I got free popcorn there though Oh great baby You want to go to this bar I don't know it's a great bar Yeah

Shep a handful of popcorn in her mouth There you go You know I'm just fucking popcorn To cross the movie theater Yeah 20 grand So I don't encounter them that often That's all I'm saying

Well open your fucking eyes And stop drinking maybe You won't be in such a dazed stupor Stumbling around Hollywood How do you not say I've seen him everywhere man I don't know. I'm genuinely

I'm as surprised as you are. You have never seen people use a selfie stick. No. In real life, no. Like, I've seen it on the computer. There's a commercial on air, on TV right now that has people using selfie sticks. I've seen them on the computer and on TV.

I've never seen one in real life. Like, I've never even seen one. And you know, I wrote that article a long time ago, don't be a padhole. It's about people who bring their tablets to events and they hold their giant fucking tablets up, taking selfies with them at the Mona Lisa, where I'm standing behind this dipshit, this oblivious fucktard,

who's sitting there taking selfies of himself or his wife with this giant fucking tablet. You need more screen real estate for your low-resolution shitty, low-quality sensor on your iPad too. You know what's the worst part about that too is usually they're not even taking selfies? They're taking a picture of a thing that you can Google and get 20 million images of that are all better than yours. Yeah. Like, what are you doing?

What is this digital piss you're taking on this spot to prove you've been here? Well, that is, that annoys me. You know, Dick, I came to that realization one time when I was actually in the Muzidio orsay in France. It's a- Okay, fancy. Shut up. That's some kind of a cock museum or what's there? No, Sean, Sean would be visiting that for sure. This was a museum in France.

It's by the Louvre. If you go to France and you're going to go see a museum, go to the Mugé de Orsay. it's way better than the Louvre. The Louvre is garbage. There, I said it. It's garbage. Oh, you're wrong. Sumi Art World. Louvre. This is not garbage. Now who's fancy.

Mr. Fancy Pans. Yeah, so the Louvre, you make a B-line to the Mona Lisa. You see the crowds, you leave. There we go, Mr. Sophisticated. That's the tour of the Louvre. Go, B-line to the Mona Lisa. Yeah. A painting that's only famous because it was stolen.

I checked the Venus, Venus de Milo, Milo. Whatever. I check that statue. Okay, cool. I get it. It's cool as shit. Do you see The Last Supper? Yeah, I've seen The Last Supper there. Actually, there's some really cool paintings in the Louvre. I take that back. Anyway, go to Musei D'Orsay, right? I go up there, I think square foot for square foot you see more impressive art at the Muse Deorsay. That's why I mention it. Okay.

All right. I was upstairs and I saw the, it's the, was it Picasso who had the... No, it was Van Gogh. There's a lot of Van Gogh. Self-portrait. The Van Gogh self-portrait, where he had his ear bandage and he had his ear bandage and he had, it's you had the red beard or whatever, right? Yeah, and he's flipping off the viewer.

Is that the one you're talking about? You're thinking of me. Oh, oh, that's not Van Gogh. No, that's me. That's a different artist. I get confused for Van Gogh all the time. Is that a Jesus complex? Anyway, so I was taking a picture of this Van Gogh.

And by the way, they said no photography, no photography. Whatever, I'm taking a picture. No flash photography. They were actually... No photography? I think, yeah. I think there were, there was either no photography or no flash... No, it was no photography.

Maybe it said no smoking in French. No. No, they said no farting in French. El no fumar. Whatever, I don't know, man. Oh, it's Lefumar, that's what it would be. So, anyway, I'm taking a picture of the Van Gogh portrait, right? Yeah.

Fuck your rules. Here's what I think. I'm going to take a picture. So I take a picture. And then I sit in there looking at the picture, looking at the frame. Before I even press the shutter button, I thought, why am I doing this? Why am I taking a picture of this thing? I know it's famous.

I've seen it in history books, in art books. It's a famous painting, but I can't justify ever having a use for this photo. No, no one even wants to see it. Because, yeah, I thought, well, could I show it to friends? That's the argument you could make. Hey, look, I went to this place and I saw this thing. I'm going to show it to friends. Well, first of all, there's no evidence that I took that picture because I'm not in it.

No, that's the least of your problems. Yeah. But then if I took a picture like that and I showed it to my friends and family and they said, well, you're not in it. How do we know it's yours? then I got dickhead friends and family. They don't believe me. They don't believe that I even went to Paris.

Okay, then I need new friends. Essentially, the bottom line is this. If you take a photo of something famous and you're afraid that your friends aren't going to believe that you actually saw it, you need new friends. And then if you have to have that photo to prove that you were there, which you never do, then you're, again, you're surrounded by assholes.

And it's a picture of something that you could get on the internet. You don't need, you don't need, and that it's, you don't even want to see it. No, my dad told me that before I went to Europe for the first time. Don't take pictures of things that you're not in, that people aren't in. Because it never take pictures of something that a person isn't in. I didn't get it at the time. I did it, but since then I've been passing that advice forward.

I did take, well, here, so I'm kind of a hypocrite here in, but I do use photos I've taken in museums for articles that are at on my website. Okay. So there is that. I did actually, you know, it's ironic, because I did actually use that picture. of Van Gogh on my website. Yeah. But to illustrate the point

that I was just making. And didn't you take a picture of all the pad holes taking a picture of the Mona Lisa? Yeah. So you were doing it. I was taking a picture of a padhole. But weren't you also holding up the camera?

No, no. I didn't have to hold it up. You don't have to get in a good arrangement to see these padholes. They're already, they're taking up most of the landscape for you. Can't escape it. Here's my thinking on selfie sticks.

I get it. I get why people want a good picture. of themselves because they're fat as fuck and they want to space the camera away from them so they don't get that like gobbling you know pizza the hut chin you're talking about you're taking a selfie you hold your head back like I'm doing right now and you look like you get about six chins right so they get a selfie stick they hold it out they maybe look more natural but it is it is just kind of fucking everyone else's convenience for a moment sure sure for your narcissism so the reason I mentioned the pad holes dick is because

now they have selfie sticks for pad for tablets oh god so people are it sounds like a lot of broken tablets yeah well people are carrying around these giant fucking tablets and then they're holding they're extending them out so that they take up more of the the landscape

more of your view space you can't even you know did you see that Obama press conference where he got heckled no there was an Obama press conference and Obama is usually pretty cool at these uh when he gets heckled he handles it with a plum but what happened at this one the guy wouldn't pipe down and eventually Obama had to get him

kicked out, right? But you couldn't even see fucking Obama because so many people had their cell phones held up. Guys, there's a news crew behind you trying to get a shot of the fucking president talking and you can watch it on the news. Your little grainy, shitty cell phone footage isn't going to do

anything. You'll watch the first steps of your kid maybe ten times if you get it on video, right? Maybe in your life. Maybe once a year. Maybe the year they go to college, you'll load that file up out of some forgotten drop box and take a look at it. You will never look at the video you took of Obama coming to L.A. Yeah. I agree, man. So it's starting to get banned dick. The Australian Festival Soundwave

banned selfie-6 in 2015, as has the National Gallery of Australia, the National Portrait Gallery, the Smithsonian Institute, National Gallery in London, the Palace of Versailles in France, and the Coliseum in Rome have all banned selfie sticks, yeah. You know why the Coliseum? Because people were using their selfie sticks to carve their initials into things. What?

It's essentially just a pole. You're just carrying a pole around with you. Yeah. Sporting stadiums are also starting to ban the stick along with theme parks like Disney World and Disneyland. Thank God. These things, you guys, you don't need tools to be more narcissistic. You're so fucking full of yourself.

When I pull up someone's Facebook profile and there's something like two or three thousand images of them, I want to unfriend that person. Fuck off. You're not that important. There are more important people who haven't been talking about. Fucking, there's like zero pictures of Alexander the Great. Yeah. Zero.

And you know what? Unless it's a magic wand, you're still going to be ugly. Yeah. With the selfie stick. Oh, but they cheat. You can get that camera 100 yards away. It's still you. Just use your hand.

That's what you look like. Sorry. Or maybe cut down on the selfies, man. We get it. Your life is magical. It's fantastic. It's amazing. Use Snapchat so it disappears after 24 hours or 10 seconds.

Whatever. By the way, Dick, I have some friends now. And they do skew younger. I don't know why they do this, but they have exclusively moved to Snapchat for their form of media propagation. Well, do you use it, Snapchat? I'll tell you why it is.

Yeah, because I get fucking pictures of horses all the time. That's what I get on Snapchat. It's a lot easier to share pictures of what you're doing with people on Snapchat. It's like... No, why? No, it is because if you send them via text, they sit on your phone forever and clog up your phone

and derail the conversation you were having. Your phone, iPhone user? Well, most people are iPhone. No, that's not true. Most people are Android. Jesus Christ. Go on. Please cram a selfie stick up your ass, you contrarian. Fuck.

I'm not being a contrarian. You're just fucking full of shit, dick. Most people's phones work like that, where the photo sits on their phone, and it's kind of annoying to have on the stream of text, but on Snapchat, it's not. It's a lot easier. Oh, okay. It's easier to share pictures on Snapchat. I've started using it.

Share pictures for 10 seconds at a time. Well, how long do you want to look at it? I don't know, man. If it's a picture of my friend, it's a good picture. I want to keep it. What it's like a picture of a snake? Like, hey, check this snake out. Bloop. There you go, Maddox.

Then I want to see it. Yeah, I get, like, funny jokes and stuff on Snapchat every now and then. And I can't say, I have to take a screenshot. Then I look like a creep because it notifies the other person. I took a screenshot. What's a joke that you get on Snapchat? I have some friends who are pretty funny on Snapchat, and they'll send me something. They'll send me something pretty funny.

Okay. Yeah. I want to save that sometimes. Snapchat is just so ephemeral. You know what, fuck it. I'm okay with that, though, Dick. I'm making an argument for Snapchat. Great.

Because it disappears. We don't need it clogging up server space on Facebook or wherever. Yeah. So what's going to happen with these selfie sticks? People just got to start taking them. Just start taking them, beating them over the head with it. Here you go, you fucking narcissistic fuck.

Here you go. Shove it up your ass. That's not going to happen. What's the next step? How big can it get? Banning them. No drones. That's what's going to happen.

People are going to. have drones. Personal drones. This is the future. Yeah. It's going to be six drones following everybody around at all times, storing video

in their DNA. So you can record everything you're ever doing all the time. Yeah. It'll beam it right to your Google Glass so you can control... Right to your eyeball. Yeah, right to your eyeball.

So you can control the drone with your... With your narcissism. And you know what though, Dick? That's only temporary until we all transport ourselves into virtual reality. And we don't have to worry about this anymore

where you can be anyone, want. Everyone's going to be super hot. It's going to be great. Yeah, anyway, Dick, that's my problem. Selfie sticks this week. Bigger problem than no farting. Or what was yours? No fumar. Yeah, same thing. Guys, go to the website. See you next Tuesday. Oh, this is a question for you. I do kind of want to know the answer to this. Hey, this is Pete and Maine. I'm just listening to episode 56, and Maddox is pitching a fit about pepperoni. Right. When not five minutes ago, he said he would take salami on his pizza. If you look up pepperoni, it actually is literally just spicy salami.

It's not. It's not? I guess that would make Maddox someone who can't eat spicy food. Okay. So that guy doesn't know what salami is? Chump. There's a difference in the curing process between salami and pepperoni. Pepperoni is much lower quality meat than salami.

By the way, guys, salami is a broad range of meats, of curing processes and meats. and what he's specifically talking about is soproseta. Soapraseta salami is spicy salami. Fuckhead. You want spicy things on your pizza, then add fucking pepper or soapraeta salami. That's what it is. Pepperoni is just pig lips and assholes. It's ground up.

And by the way, you like pepperoni so much? Why don't you take a couple sizes? Throw it on a pan and fry it. See how much fucking oil there is. It's garbage. It's shit meat. It's low quality. Just like that voicemail was.

All right. Well, I wanted to know. Speaking abroad. Hi. I like the califunga. I'll just call myself Super Blackout Melissa And I just like to say this You two are actually some of the nicest guys I've ever heard

That's libel, slander Women, we'll just everyone needs together head out of their asses Like you're actually not bad people at all And I love you guys and I hope to keep hearing more of you Okay, I'm going to sue her You're going to be hearing from my lawyer, that's slander I'll take that More Astorios

Coconos More screaming, not less. I agree. I got some leftover bits from him that I brought in. Oh, my gosh, Dick. What are we doing? We got to play those. I'll end on those.

I'm boisterous coconuts. And I'm a digital cyber demon. Bringing you the biggest problems on the World Wide Web. It's this week in Internet hell. Have you seen this hot list of 29 mind-blowing stocks to lose all your money on? They're all the same company because BuzzFeed is planning an IPO. At last Wednesday's Code Conference, CEO Jonah Peretti announced plans for a BuzzFeed public offering, made up of aggregated bits from other more successful public offerings.

Is Wall Street dumb enough to invest in a company that only makes gifts of 90s TV shows? You'd better believe it. Don't have a cowman. Did I do that? Got any cheese? Oh, excuse me, stockbroker, one BuzzFeed, please. That appeals to me as a 20-something. Oh, 30-something.

You're saying something about BuzzFeed? I read their coverage of the Trayvon Martin case. It seemed to agree with every email I got about it. So that's where I got my news on Trayvon Martin, BuzzFeed. These morons, these unnuanced fucks who thought that I was somehow making the case that the verdict was wrong, rather than an ethical debate, an ethical look at the case.

What was the ethical look? He's a hot head? He's a hot head dip. I don't think it's a stretch of the imagination to think this guy was looking for a fight. A double dose of cybercrime this week as the IRS and adult friend finder were both hit by massive thefts of personal data.

So now Russian hackers have your social security number and your dick size. The IRS claims hackers made off with over 100,000 tax transcripts, but cyber demons don't pay taxes, so I don't give a shit. Far more importantly, 3.9 million adult Fred Finder accounts were hacked, linking details of user's specific sexual preferences. Now everyone's going to know that I can only achieve an orgasm while watching a Japanese girl hitting a man in the dick with a pillow

while screaming about Santa Claus. Wait, what's that? My information wasn't leaked? Uh, please ignore my previous comment, R.E., my favorite film, Japanese dong destroyers meet Old St. Prick. Old St. Prick. That's a tough joke to make.

Hey, Old Saint Prick coming down the chimney. White Christmas, starring Old St. Prick. Yeah, he needs to get that chimney bleached. Follow that analogy, idiots. Assholes. It's the battle of the bullshit fitness crackers. Jawbone is suing Fitbit, claiming that they came up with the idea of tricking fat people first. In a lawsuit filed last Wednesday, Jawbone alleges that Fitbit engaged in a secret effort to steal jawbone's trade secrets through smuggled USB drives.

Wow. I wonder what kind of juicy trade secrets. bone has. I'm sure it took thousands of hours to come up with the idea of a watch that tells you not to be a lord ass. Well, I'm wearing my jawbone right now. Oh, what's that jawbone? If I want to lose weight, I should sit less and walk more? That's offensive. How dare you flaunt your jawbone privilege? I'm going to go buy a Fitbit. Oh, I'm sorry, I use the wrong word. I'm going to go buy a Kit-Kat. And in closing news, the internet this year will have over 3.2 billion users. And yet you, the listener, still have zero friends. Ha ha ha, ha.

What a world. That's all for this week. This is boisterous coconuts reminding you. The internet is go fucking sad. Amen to that, buddy. Internet should go fuck itself. Me included. Wait.

You should go fuck yourself or it should fuck you? What? You included, meaning the internet should go, you are on the internet, so you should go fuck this? The internet should go fuck itself. I agree with that. Right. Good.