The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 6

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Same old. I'm doing the podcast. How you doing? Pretty great.

All right. Pretty great. So I feel, I see kind of a mischievous grin on your face today. I feel like your problems are going to cause trouble. No, yeah, they are. But I have another surprise for you that I'll get to. Great, great. Yeah.

No, it's a fun surprise. It's a good surprise. Well, it usually isn't, but we'll see. It's a surprise that will make everyone feel good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is a harbinger. So let's get to some comments first. So after the last week's episode, which, by the way, on the board, the number one problem from last week was conspiracy dipshits.

Cleaned house, followed by marriage, then car insurance. Car insurance actually showed. You're in the positive territory. Man, I really hate your condescending recap of the problems. I lose every week and I always get skunked and you always run. read me the third place, like, it matters. Hey. Like, you read it so earnestly and honestly, like, congratulating a child for even placing on the

board, and it just pisses me off every time. I'm so glad he picked up on that, because that's exactly what I'm doing. And then we have Dead Last Table Nazis, and speaking of, somebody left a comment on the board that said, Table Nazis, hey, Dick, quit being a fucking vagina, Tim. Okay. Princess Masterson. Because I want to sit at a table. Oh, yeah, because you want to sit at a table.

Why don't you just sit? Who cares where he sit? Oh, I need a table. One table for Princess Masterson, please. Yeah, I don't care. I want the table, man. As I already covered last week. And I just want to point out, I think it's the,

because I notice something that you're doing every week. You phrase your problems so they'll look good on the board. and in actuality they're a little bit different. Like your monkeys problem? Yeah. It wasn't really about monkeys. It was about space exploration, but you made it that way so it would look funny. So I'm going to be on you for doing that in the future.

Yeah, but monkeys is one of the lowest ranking on our overall problem list. So it didn't work. I mean, if you think that's what's going on. But anyway, so let's get some more comments here. Another comment from Matthew James. I decided if they post publicly on Facebook, then I can read their full name. No, no, I don't think you should do. Okay.

Do whatever you want. It's on the website, so it's posted. So Matthew James says, I've got a stats for you. You know what that's in reference to? Yeah, I got a stats for you. Hilarious. Yeah, I love it so much. I love it.

I'm so glad. I was going to say something during the episode, but I didn't want to steamroll the problem. Anyway, one other comment. I got an email, actually. from somebody who's a professional meat cutter. Cool. Yeah. And he says that USDA...

Oh, this is going to be more proof for you. You do this every week. You bring in emails and comments that only support your problems. F you, go ahead. Read more about why I'm wrong about meat by some crackpot who claims to be a meat cutter. Who claims to be... Did he attach a picture of himself cutting meat? No, then you have no idea if he's a meat cutter or not.

Go ahead. Oh, Dick. You know what? Why don't you ever bring in some evidence to support anything you've ever said? You don't. It's always bullshit, except you do, last week you did. I got a stats for you. What did the meat cutter say?

What did the meat master say? He says that USDA grading is really just a measure of marbling and a steak. Marbling is great, but it doesn't entail a great steak. The grading system is very deceptive, too. He says, now this is kind of in support of what you said, actually. Yeah. He says, a restaurant can put any price tag they want on a piece of beef. Well, that's in support of what I said.

And then he said, and you can rest assured that they have a massive markup. That said, a $20 steak on the menu is pretty much a guarantee that it's not a very good piece of meat. If you pay more than $100, it's more likely that they're serving you a better quality steak. Still, that proves what I'm saying. But you don't get a guarantee. Okay. I got an email too. Do you really?

Yeah, it's also from a butcher. Okay. It says, Maddox is a fucking idiot. Hey, I brought you a present. So my problem last week was car insurance, right? Yeah. Because they screwed up the rims on my car. Right.

And I told you, what did I tell you, that when you take one look at these rims, the first thing you will think is Persian racing rims. Okay, I brought you a picture of the rims. Oh, let's see this. All right. Yeah. Here you go.

All right. Oh, wow. What do you think? Pretty cool, bro. Yeah. So I would like to, Exhibit A. I would like you to call it, I would like to bring your attention to the

chrome rivets that surround the rim that are not black on the black rim. Okay, chrome rivets. I would like you to also notice the embossed lettering on the rim in addition to the weird silver crown in the center of the hubcap. That's, I believe that's the symbol of the rim company. It's called Motegi Racing. That's pretty cool, bro. You got ace number one rims.

You should post that on the website. And post your other rims for comparison, too. because I forgot what your other intro looked like. I have a picture of them destroyed. Great. Post that. All right. But let's get to the problems, yeah?

Sure. Go ahead. My first problem is a little topical. All right. The U.S. soccer team sucks. Yes. Correct. It does suck.

Yeah, and I think it's about time they get good. Like, we got to figure this out. America kicks ass at everything except soccer. And it's like every four years, I feel like the whole world holds it against us. Like, it's embarrassing. Yeah. You know, that's the one thing the world has on us. But you know what's kind of good that we have on them is that we don't care.

I'm sick of pretending I don't care. I care that we suck at soccer and always lose and never even get to the quarterfinals, except for that one time in like 2002. So I was at, I went to a pub because the World Cup is awesome for drinking. Yeah. You get to wake up at like seven in the morning and start drinking. Right. I went to this pub, and my friends were supposed to be saving a seat for me.

Right. So I get dressed and all my cool Team USA like soccer gear kit, kit, as it would be called. I show up, and of course it's sold out. So I have to stand outside in my soccer uniform looking like a jerk, watching the game from the street, as we beat Ghana. Yeah, we beat Ghana. That's cool. You know what? I don't even know where Ghana is.

I don't want to be proud that our biggest accomplishment this World Cup is beating Ghana. You know, though, you got to imagine it from the perspective of Ghana, Ghanes, is it Ghanes? See? You don't even know. That's not an enemy for the U.S. to have, man.

We got like the Soviet Union is our bad guys. England is our bad guys. Not Ghana. England has always been our bad guys since what, the 1800s. No, but it's so much more soul. crush. Germany. That's a bad guy. Not Ghana. Don't you feel good stepping on like

an insect or something? Like, you know, it's like something that you clearly overpower. Yeah, but we barely beat them. That's like our rival. It's Ghana. By the way, this is so much funnier if you could actually see Dick because he's wearing an American flag do rag. It's incredible that he's making this argument here. I'll post a picture on the website. But yeah, I feel great that we beat Ghana.

I feel like I've accomplished something. It should be, it shouldn't be. We should shouldn't even have to have to think about it. It should be taken for granted that we would beat Ghana. Of course, we're America. Of course we'll beat Ghana. Like, you remember when we had the basketball team, the dream team? Yeah. It was a joke. We stomped all over everyone. Right. That's what sports should be about. Yeah, but that's our industry. I mean, I guess, sure, but who cares, at the end of the day, who cares? Who cares? Who wins the World Cup? Uh, Americans don't. Unless you studied abroad for a semester and then you can't shut the fuck up about it in a bar. Like, that's, that's the one thing.

Other than that, like, who honestly cares about the World Cup, other than the rest of the world? Like, America, isn't that, isn't that, like, the embodiment of American exceptionalism to not even care about something that the entire world cares about? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really get what you're saying. I'm saying that, okay, have you ever gotten into an argument? Well, okay, I know you have. You've gotten in arguments with...

I got into an argument trying to get into that bar in my soccer uniform to why. watch the World Cup. Why wouldn't? Why wouldn't they because they said they were sold out? Yeah. Like how do you, what are you sold out of beer? Yeah, idiots. You know, I got a story about that. But anyway, you've gotten in arguments with your ex-girlfriends in the past. Yeah. Nothing

pisses them off more, even more than being right than when you don't even care. Right? It's so dismissive. Because that really puts a fire under their ass. They get so pissed off. So what are you saying that America wins the World Cup because we don't care? Right.

That is bullshit. I care. We care. No, that's, that is denial, man. Yeah, the rest of the world is terrorism, and you're America after 9-11 and you lost. That's too meta for me. Look, I care about it. I think other guys out there care about it, and I'm trying to call them to action here.

Like, we really need to get good at the World Cup. And so I was reading about it, right? I was going on the internet and doing research and reading opinion pieces. because that's good research. Sure. And nobody even knows why we suck at soccer. How about that? Well, probably because there isn't as much money,

we're not looking for the most qualified coaches necessarily. We're not looking for the best players necessarily, and it's just not on people's radars. Like, if there's a kid growing up in Oklahoma, coming up through high school, and all he sees is baseball, basketball, football on TV, it's not even in the back of his mind that, hey, I should try out for,

soccer or football with the umlaut or whatever the hell the rest of the world calls it but like it's not even on their radar i think here's why i think that's bullshit yeah because we're the best at cup stacking and there's no money in cup stacking is that true are we the best at cup stack i don't know probably so america's not number one in a lot of things though you know what i would care about way more than winning the world cup is getting our internet speeds up to just south korean levels okay you don't hijack my problem internet speeds is not i don't i care way more about the world Cup right now than I do internet speeds. Really?

Yeah. That's stupid. So, everybody said all the problems you just mentioned, right? But I think they're wrong. The real reason why I think the U.S. sucks at soccer. Yeah. Stick with me on this. I'm with you.

Is that when little kids play soccer, adults take the fun out of it. Only for soccer. Like, you play baseball as a kid? Yeah. They teach you to whack things with the ball. They teach you to shit. the other team. You know, you're all in the dugout together, conspiring.

Nobody can see what you're doing. It's fun. Football for little kids is about bashing each other, but soccer is about not keeping score and teamwork. They make it lame. You learn all the worst parts about sports, like sportsmanship in soccer, and they don't teach that shit in any other kid's sport.

Dick, I don't even know if you're fucking with me right now. Of course, that is the sport. Yeah, you have to have some modicum of. of teamwork to make soccer work. Totally false. See, this is the American attitude towards soccer why we suck at it. No. Soccer is punching another guy in the nuts when the ref isn't

looking. Fake falling? Fake falling? Oh, look at me, fake fall. Like, that is what soccer is about. That's why it's fun. And that's what kids got to start learning if we're going to be good at soccer. Yeah, but the fake falling is the biggest pussy bullshit move in any fucking sport, and that's why I don't like, I can't watch that shit. It just, it makes me,

it makes my blood curdle. like when I see guys fake fall and like cry and pretend they're so hurt. I've seen, like, watch UFC. A guy will get punched right in the face and then brush it off and then shake that guy's hand. But in soccer, they fake fall and they pretend like they broke their nails or whatever. Look, it's lame, I agree with you, but that's what it takes to be competitive on the world stage. Maybe it's a game that we shouldn't be, we shouldn't be playing. Maybe America should abstain.

Okay. So you ever see those, like the English team walking around? They look like, they look like a-holes, and every time I hear a clip or a quote or a story about them, they seem like a-holes. Like, they're always doing dirty stuff. The superstars, right? Yeah.

Then I see our guys. They're on TV, and they're like, you got any predictions for the game? And the guy, the main guy, Landon, is that his name, Landonovan? I don't know how many D. He says, yeah, I think we're going to play a great game. I'm like, what? No, we're going to kill them.

Dick, this is, this is, this is. This is endemic in all of sports. This stupid, what are you asking the guy if he has predictions for? I want to hear some balls from this guy. You ask him that to set him up to be a jerk. That's why you say, how are you going to do? How are we going to do? How are we going to do?

I don't even know where it is. That's how we're going to do. That's what you say. That's how you know your team's fired up. Yeah. You know what could solve this problem is just put wrestlers onto the soccer team. Dude, you read my mind. I wrote that down.

Fuck it. We just fist bumped. That is so cool. Uh, yeah, wrestlers on a soccer team. Stone Cold Steve Austin needs to be the coach of the men's soccer team. Hell yeah. All right, that's my, I think that's all I got for this problem. Oh, you're really fired up about this American.

Dude, because I hate losing. We always lose, and I got to sit here and listen to my foreign friends, like, joke. They don't even make full jokes about how bad we suck at soccer. It's just like, oh, did you guys even get in the quarterfinals this year? And I'm like, oh, my God, I'll show you a quarterfinals. Yeah. Ever heard of Ghana, we beat them? Asshole.

How about that? Um, okay. Let's move on to, uh, my first problem. My first problem is people who can't eat spicy food. Oh. Right? Are you tired of that shit? Aren't you tired of pandering and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and

touting and having to go, oh, no Indian food because I'm with Princess whoever, who can't eat spicy food. Someone who can't eat spicy food. Yeah. Is, I'm talking about the World Cup, man. A global. athletic competition that's worth billions of dollars, probably.

And you're talking about people who can't eat spicy food? Yeah. Who gives a shit about people who can't eat spicy food? All of India, okay? All of India eats pretty much spicy food. Most of China eats spicy food. Most of Asia. That's already almost like half the population of the world. So this is a

huge problem. So if you go to India, let's say you get, let's say you stumble into the unfortunate predicament of marriage. and on your honeymoon, you go to New Delhi with your wife, and she can't eat spicy food. Where would you take your wife on a honeymoon? Is that rank? Is that on the list?

I mean, you know, maybe if she's adventurous, which she isn't if she's not eating spicy food. And I would have, yeah, for some reason, you know, play along, for some reason if you didn't know before he married her that she didn't eat spicy food and you went to New Delhi, your honeymoon would be ruined. Oh, oh, no. Okay.

So Maddox's problem is that his fantasy wife, that his hypothetical wife is ruining his honeymoon. Is that your, should we name your problem to that, ruined honeymoon? No. No, who did this to you? You're obviously talking, you're obviously talking about someone specifically who doesn't eat spicy food. What happened? Any of my friends. So it's like, it's rinks up there with vegetarianism and veganism in terms of a pain in the acid is to go out to eat with these people.

Because it takes Thai food out of the mix, takes Indian food out of the mix, takes Indonesian, It's Asian takes Ethiopian, well, Ethiopian food sucks, but it takes most of these foods immediately out of the mix. They can't have any. And also, if you get a pizza, oh, sorry, no jalapinos, they can't even deal with pepperoni. Are you kidding me? I went to a grocery store and I saw extra mild salsa. What the fuck is extra mild? Is that just tomatoes?

What is that? Are they not, do they refuse to eat spicy foods? Yes. Oh, they'll cry and bitch about it. Okay. And here's something interesting. I actually have some stats here. I got his stats for you.

You love this. I love it so much. This is from Popsai. So Mexican parents give their children packets of sugar mixed with red chili powder, which they eat straight up in order to build their spice tolerance. Yeah. Huh? How about this? We all need Mexican parents.

I agree with you. There we go. Great. Finally, we found some common ground. I wish my parents were Mexican. You are a shady character. I'm going to start with that. Okay.

These friends that you have who refuse to eat spicy food, do you ever think about, like, secretly slipping them a little, like, gradually increasing amounts of spice in their food to wean them off of this lifestyle? Oh, yeah. I've tried. I have snuck, okay, anytime I hear a friend of mine has an allergy. I knew it, right? I knew it. I knew that you had done this somehow.

Yes. Like, for example, my friend. brother thinks he's allergic to avocados. So, so. The most inert fruit that there is. Like it's a staple, a superfood. Yeah. He is allergic to avocados.

Sure. Question number one. Does such an allergy exist? Not that I know of. Okay. Perfect. I've never heard of anyone else. I've never met anyone else. Oh, just the other day, I talked to some chick who said her friend is allergic to chicken. I'm like, what? Is that even a thing? How can you be allergic? Yeah. Sean is. Sean, you're allergic to chicken? Okay, let me tell this story. Let me tell this story.

Real quick, Sean, before you jump in, because everyone loves the Sean Chimins. I was picking up Jack in the box with Sean, and he was, we're getting the order, right? And I'm like, Sean, what do you want? And he goes, um, oh. And he thought about it for a really long time. And he's like, I'll have a spicy chicken sandwich.

I'm like, Sean, uh, why are you thinking about it for so long? And he goes, and for some reason, I remember this vividly. He goes, well, whenever I eat chicken, my fingers and my toes start tingling like all night, like they're numb. I was like, okay, do you want to change your order then? He goes, no, no, I really like eating chicken, but my feet are numb. They fall asleep. They do something. I don't know.

Explain what happens to your feet in your hands. It started happening in my mid-20s, and I just noticed that when I would eat chicken, my arms, sometimes it goes into my legs, but I just get the pins and needles about 20 minutes after. and it lasts about an hour to two hours. It's never gone further than that. I eat as much chicken now as I ever did. And you have tingly arms and shit after you eat it? Yeah, yeah. It takes about 20 to 25 minutes, and I looked it up.

Somebody had said it was an enzyme or something, and I've eaten the most processed chicken in the world and the free range, organic, whatever, blah, blah, blah, bullshit. It must be something naturally occurring because it happens with every type of chicken I eat. including the broth, like if you drink, if you have chicken soup. Good question. I don't know.

Try it. I can't remember the last time I just had chicken broth. But I eat plenty of chicken. It doesn't stop me from, you know, doing anything. And it's never progressed. But it was weird because it didn't happen until, I would say, my mid-20s. Let me say, I don't believe that woman who told you that. I believe Sean.

Yeah. I don't believe that chick. Sure. Well, let me tell you. So, Sean, that's, that's, oh, actually. Well, that's unfortunate. That is unfortunate. However, this girl, she said her friends... You love your little sound point so much. It's like a child.

They're great. This girl I talked to, she said her friend gets migraines if she eats chicken. Doesn't that sound like a bullshit thing? Yeah, and I'll tell you why. Yeah. Because every chick's medical problem induces her to be a pain in the ass. It's like every single problem, like, Sean's the tingling thing is funny. Yeah.

That's hilarious. Every chick allergy is like, oh, I have this weird allergy. Like, if I see kids having a good time, I'd be. become a huge bitch. I feel like I have that, actually. I once met a girl who said she's allergic to Cajun seasoning. I'm like, what the fuck? How can you possibly be allergic to Cajun seasoning?

There's like 19 ingredients in there. Oh, and back to my brother's story about the avocado, speaking of. Yes, please. So I remember the day he developed this allergy. We went to a restaurant and we got nachos. And he ate the nachos and nachos had like halpinos and tomato and chicken and beans and cheese. This is a nice night out. for the Maddox family. We're going to go eat some nachos. The brothers are there.

Yeah. I have a feeling something really bad and weird is about to happen. Oh, well, you know, he just, well, he got sick from the nachos. And he came home and he just said... Like food poisoning. Food poisoning. Okay. Yeah. It happens. Well, I'm allergic to avocados. I'm like, how do you... How do you know it's avocados, dickhead? There was like 10 ingredients on those nachos. You just arbitrarily picked avocados. So from that day on, I made it a point to sneak avocados into everything he Yeah. And of course, nothing ever happens because he's full of shit. He just thinks... Did you tell him this? Like, did you spring this plan on him?

No. So you've been slowly building up this really slow burn. Some might call, like, psychotic plan of slipping avocados in your brother's food? Oh, yeah. For how long? For years I've done this. Like, I've just put a little bit of avocado here and there. Do you have pictures of it?

Do you have pictures of you slipping in, like, dated, like in seven? Like that guy's layer where everything's all, like, they've done. urine is all date stamped? What's up, Sean? I have to ask, like, were the nachos super complex in their ingredients? Was it, like, you know, sour cream and beef and beans and all that kind of, okay, so there was at least 10 ingredients in this nachos. Yeah, like, restaurant nachos.

It could have been anything. Anything. More likely the beef, more likely anything than the avocado. Yeah, but you don't throw up from allergies, right? Like, you get your histamines or whatever to go crazy. Your feet tingle. You can get nausea, you can get rashes. Like, those are some common things.

That's just not what I would immediately think. Like if I got, if I threw up, I wouldn't think, oh, it must be allergic to something. Yeah, no, allergies usually cause you to, like, sneeze or something. I do know people who have allergies to beer, and I didn't believe them. I'm like, drink some beer right now and see what happens. And so this girl did, and she immediately started sneezing. Like, that's cool. I felt great.

You're miserable. I'm awesome. Man, you have this sick lust of, like, feeding people things that they're not, that they don't want to eat or that they are, or they can't eat. Have you ever heard this shit? Have you ever heard of somebody slipping all this weird food into people's things? stuff? I haven't. Yeah, and Tabasco, too. My brother hates Tabasco. I always put Tabasco in his food. So maybe that's why he ate it. But back to, so back to spicy. Yeah, well, fuck it. You know, quit being such a fucking pansy about everything. Just eat it.

Jesus. So back to spicy food. Do you think this is... What was the food like when you grew up? Like, what was the... Okay. My mom gave me pepper jam sandwiches when I was a kid. No joke. What is that? It's pepper jam. It's literally jam made out of pepper. Oh. I just spread it on bread and ate it. Oh, okay. Yeah. So do you think, here's a question.

Do you think that... How often would you eat pepper sandwiches? Probably at least once a week. Okay. Once or twice a week. Plus I eat her other peppery spicy foods. Like, you know, I just loved it. It was great.

I'm just digging for something because the avocado thing is pretty funny. Yeah, that's great. So here is something. This is interesting. Penn State University investigated the link between personality traits and affinity for spicy food. Do you think it's personality or do you think it's nature? Well, I kind of let that one. Wait a minute.

What are the options? Do you think people are naturally born to not like spicy food, or do you think it's personality? I would say, just because of, like, my healthy cynicism for people, I would say that they're faking it, and it's a personality thing. It is, actually. There's some truth to both, actually, but they say that it's personality trait. They found, this is from pop site.com, they found that the sensation seekers are people who enjoyed the thrills of roller coasters, gambling, meeting new people. These are people who like spicy food. Oh, really?

Yeah. And they did a survey. So if someone's a pain in the ass, they don't like spicy food? Is that basically what that's saying? Like if someone who's not fun... Yeah, someone who's not fun doesn't like spicy food. Wow. Boring people, like boring food.

And a story. So they did a questionnaire. They asked a questionnaire of these people, and these were some of the questions. They asked them. Okay. I would have enjoyed being one of the first explorers of an unknown land. People who like spicy food answered yes. So without spicy food, we probably wouldn't even have America.

Oh man, you took 20 minutes to answer my first question, which is why the hell is this a problem? And I didn't realize I'd been duped until you just answered the question. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. It's a big problem. All right, baby. Then they asked another question. They said, I like a movie where there are a lot of explosions and car chases.

Cool. People who like spicy food like those types of movies. Is this survey? Is it just men and women here? Men and women, yeah. Who else? Well, it's just the questions now are getting, it seems like men would all say yes to that. And women would say, well, not really.

So, no, this is actually a really well done study. I looked at, I couldn't believe how in depth this study was. But they, so here's something that's kind of interesting to. Penn State lights going deep, right? I don't know what that happens is. Oh, because that guy at Penn State molested all those boys. Oh, my gosh. No, that's awesome.

No, I'm pretty sure he probably didn't like spicy food. Okay, I hope not. No, no, I guarantee he doesn't. So, sensation-seeking emerged as a much stronger predictor of spicy food-liking than in previous studies, and it also predicted how often person ate chili-laden meals. Surprisingly, now this is the part that really kicks ass. Surprisingly, frequent chili eaters didn't feel the burn from capsazin samples any less than people who ate peppers less often.

So what that means is, people who eat spicy eating spicy eat. food still feel the burn, they just don't give a shit because they're that awesome. Really? Yeah. Wow. We still feel the burn. I eat the world's spiciest pepper a couple months ago. There's a YouTube video on it.

And I felt the burn. Of you eating the pepper? Yeah. I saw that. Don't you take your shirt off in that video? Yeah, I started sweating. Yeah. I don't know if that was the right move for that video.

Well, probably not. It's rarely the right moves. If you want to see Maddox take a shirt off and eat the hottest pepper in the world. If you want to see the hottest shirt taking off in the world. Yeah. That's, that's me. I was doing it. So, yeah, these are the people who are scuba diving.

They're skydiving. These are people who are exploring. Do you tell your friends this? Do you tell your non-spicy eating friends all this data? What? No, because it's impossible to reason with them. One of my friends in New York, he claims his wife is something called a supertaster. Have you heard of this before?

No, man, I have not heard of that ever. So she cannot have even a granule of spice because she's a supertaster. I'm like, ah, there's people! Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It doesn't sound like super tasting to me. That sounds like special tasting.

You know what I mean? That's stupid. Like you can't have even a granule of spice. Because she'll throw a huge fit? Yeah, she'll throw a huge fit. And you know what? You can build your tolerance to it. Just eat it.

Like Mexican parents. We all need Mexican parents. That's my problem. But now I'm thinking if there's this correlation to spiciness and like adventure seeking, the spice kind of hurts, right? Like it burns. It feels good. Right.

It's a good feeling. You actually get a rush of endorphins in your body after you eat spicy food. Huh. Yeah. I feel like that would correlate with like a lot of other stuff too. Sure it does. Actually, so there's a scale. It's called the, uh, the adventure seeking scale or what, what is it? Oh, it's the sensation seeking scale. Okay. And so they broke it down into four traits. There's thrill. That's like, uh, thrill and adventure seeking. That's a desire for outdoor activities involving unusual sensations and risks such as skydiving, scuba diving and flying.

There's experience seeking that, that refers to things like, you know, social and psychedelic experiences and going out and meeting people. there is disinhibition that's the preference of out-of-control activities such as wild parties drinking and sexual variety. That's what I was talking about. There you go. And then the final trait is boredom susceptibility. Intolerance of repetition or boring people

and restlessness in such conditions. These are the people who like spicy food. That's me. So, yeah. Yeah. This is, I hate being informative and not funny. Like, I hate informative things. That's true. But this is, that's good info. Yeah. If someone doesn't like

spicy food, they are not fun. They're boring. Scientifically proven. They're assholes. All right, man. Yeah. I think you're gonna... That's a solid problem.

Thank you. I think the U.S. men's soccer team needs some spicy food. Damn right, they do. Okay. Get ready for this. Yeah. This is going to make your problem look like a joke. Okay.

All right. Here's my next problem. Yeah. Condoms. Everyone hates them. Do you have a boner sound effect? Oh, no. Well...

Get a boner sound effect for next week. I got an anal sound effect. No. Everyone hates condoms, men and women. Yeah. That's true. So don't accuse me of being anti-wit or sexist during this podcast. Everybody hates them.

Everybody hates condoms. And yet, we're still using them. Why? Probably to avoid STDs. How? many people seriously have all these STDs. Have you ever gotten an STD? No.

I never have either. No. Well, I guess that proves it. That proves what I'm saying. Condoms. Do you actually have... Look, man, I mean, honestly, it ruins... I spend more time trying to talk chicks out of condoms

than I do trying to talk chicks into having sex with me in the first place. How messed up is that? Very, but for so many different reasons. What do you mean? Well, first of all, if a girl doesn't feel uncomfortable having sex with you without a condom, then why push the issue? Just put it on and get it done. They're trained. It's like everybody's trained to compulsively put a condom on when you don't really need it.

You don't really – I'm saying that. You don't really need it. Stop having sex with scumbags. That's it. Both ways. Stop having sex with trashy people, and you won't get an STD. But this is coming from Dick. Desperation Dick.

Let's call it. Let's call it. That's offensive. Well, if you were just saying last weekend, you would do anything, do or say anything to get a blowjob. Yeah. So that means sometimes you might run into some trashy women. And also, if it's dark... I don't want a blowjob from them, though.

I don't want it from anybody. Yeah. You know, a good one. All right, a good one, sure. I want that perfect mix of, like, you don't give them often, but you're doing it now. That's what I want to ride that razor-thin edge. You know what I'm talking about? I'm not just indiscriminately out there wanting blow jobs

You're just, no I don't know what you're talking about You want you want the How can you tell you're going to get a quality blow job And how can you tell she's not? Because I want like, you know I want like a Casablanca blow jobs Like no I want the I want the Goldilocks Like I don't not too

I don't I want to think you've done this too much And I don't want to think you've never done this Yeah I want you to make me think this one is special Okay I'm totally on board because I've had both, and I know what you're talking about. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't want her to stop in the middle and say,

is this good, guys always tell me I'm really good. And I'm like, okay, well. Well, it was. Yeah, it was until you started talking. Yeah, it was fine. I don't know, man. Yeah, but I have, I've experienced both, where it's like, you don't know what you're doing, get away from that.

And then the other end of it is, this girl's too good at it. Which is, it's like porn star good, you know? Yeah. Where it's like, what, should I be using a condom? Like, what's going on here? No, no, no, no, no. Don't you start with that.

No. I think condoms with blow jobs are totally pointless. I won't stand for that at all. Yeah. I'd rather just not get anything. Yeah, I guess. You know what I'm saying? You know, yeah, but what's the trade-off here?

So the cost-benefit analysis is, the benefit is, the benefit is, you would have a better sexual experience, presumably, right? The cost is potentially... No cost. There's no downside to this, because not everyone, society is not rampant with STDs. I don't know about that, dude. I've seen some girls where I thought,

okay, this is pretty questionable. Also... But would you bang them? No. No, of course not. I think everybody has like a natural level of disgust that protects them from getting an STD. I don't know, man. STDs are scary because the cost that you didn't let me finish is that your dick is going to drip.

It's going to swell up and drip and you're going to get pustules and all sorts of nasty funk. And then, guess what? You're going to be the one that they're worried about. You're stuck with that for life then. Yeah, you're stuck with that for life versus like a five-minute experience. And by the way, I don't have all the answers. I'm just saying I would rather drop a dictionary on my dick than have sex with a condom on. That's all I'm saying. I think everyone can get behind that. I can totally get behind you dropping a dictionary,

interdick. Thank you. Yeah. We'll post the video on the website. So do you have any actual stats or anything for the number of STDs that people have out there? I've heard it's really high. Like especially syphilis and gonorrhea is up to like 30% of the population. Yeah.

Can that possibly be true? Well, I mean, just because your experiences are tainted. So you kind of think that your experiences are common just because you have that perspective and empirical evidence. You've never gotten an STD, but ask someone who's had one and their life is kind of demolished, right? You know what's weird? This friend of mine was telling me about her friend who got herpes. Yeah. And this is an example of someone who's trashy.

The girl said, well, you know, it's not like her life is over. Well. I'm like, yeah, it kind of is. Like, no one is going to want to have sex with you with herpes. No, well, that's not true. I just read an article about this. You can't dance around that. Like, those Valtrex commercials,

and it's like, it's only bad for five days a month. No, it's bad all month. Is it? I mean... What would you... Would you... Would you... Would you...

Bank someone with herpes? Oh, that's a loaded question. I mean, it would have to be... A, she'd have to be the one, essentially. She'd have to be a perfect, you know, the perfect girlfriend for me or whatever. She would have to eat spices. Spices, go skydiving, go to the moon, and discover a new land. She'd have to hate monkeys.

Because I fucking hate monkeys. Yeah. But, yeah, if she was the perfect one and I saw myself in a long-term thing, then potentially, yeah. Because I read this thing. With herpes? Yeah, potentially. I mean, if it's somebody... I want you to think about this.

I'm going to let you give a different answer for this, because I'm putting you on the spot, I know. Yeah. Okay, you know my answer is no. Yeah, my answer is no. No. I read this article about this recently, about a girl who had, she got herpes when she was 22 from a boyfriend that she didn't know he had it. She didn't know he had it. And then she got it. Like they had sex one time or something like that and she got herpes. So then she talked about the rest of her life and her dating experiences. She dated like 10 guys since then. And she had that tearful confession every time they were about to have sex that she had herpes. And it turned out like. Man, could you imagine getting that conversation? No, it's tough, man, but what do you do? I mean, what do you do? Just end your life?

Like, is that the end of your sex life? No, what do you do as the guy? I'm not imagining it from her point of view. I'm imagining it from my point of view. Getting told that conversation. Yeah. Oh. Well, surprisingly, a lot of the guys, like, probably about seven or eight of them, were okay with it.

You know, you have a less likelihood, a lower likelihood of contracting it if there's no sore, no open sore. All right. That's gross. Yeah, well, it's your problem, man. But condoms... Okay, so if there's all these STDs out there, then I guess people aren't using condoms. The right people aren't using them

because they're going around like crazy. Meanwhile, girls who are totally clean that I want to hook up with are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to put a condom on. I'm like, ah, why? That's because they're totally clean. That's how they stay that way. Sucks.

You know what? That's a test. That's a test. So if she says put on a condom, she's already past the test. And then so we don't have to use one. That's what you're saying, right? Just say it, and then we can't.

Yeah, say it and then we don't have to. Yeah, that should be the test right there. There's your solution to the condom problem. Just have them bring it up and then say, how about we don't? And if she's okay with it. I've been called a scumbag for trying to talk girls out of using them. Yeah. But I feel like what you're saying is kind of what I'm doing.

Like, that's the dance. You insist on wearing one and I, you insist on me wearing one, and I try to talk you out of it so we don't have to. that's the test okay you pass the test and now i got to fix this so this feels good yeah but you can't push it too hard if they if they don't feel on you can't push it too hard yeah i'm just saying you know you pretend to put it on and then you take it off what's wrong with that everything is wrong with that and it's so much wrong with that um no the the condom thing actually it's interesting most girls i'm i'm usually the one say hey uh let me get a condom and then most girls are like no

Let's not. I'm on the pill. I'm like, oh, all right, well, I guess. Oh, man, you lucky bastard. Yeah, what is it with you, man? What are the type of girls you're dating? They don't want to give you blow jobs. They don't want to, they don't want to use condoms. What are you talking about? They don't want to give a blow job. Yes, they do. What, are you saying, like, what, two episodes ago that you had to persuade, you had to persuade them and say anything. Yeah, of course. That's, that's why you take them out on dates. That's what the whole dating thing is.

That's, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I don't, like, it doesn't, it's not this, like, you don't take for cat. Girls out, you just get blowjobs? What are you talking about? I don't believe that. Welcome to my world. Oh, shut up. Stop showing off for Sean.

Sean's sitting there with a raging heart on. Oh, my God. Oh, boy. That's what dating is. A trade for blow jobs. No, it's like, you know, buttering them up to get a good one. No way. That's gross, man.

That's making it vulgar. Well, I envy you. Yeah. And you're... No, I take girls on dates. Yeah, that happens, but I don't expect... Like, it's not this expectation that, oh, now she's going to give me a blowjob. Like, a lot of the girls I've dated...

I don't know. Maybe I just pick them better. I don't know, who knows, man? What are you talking? I think you're putting words in my mouth that I didn't say. What are you saying? Are you suggesting that I don't get blow jobs? Yeah.

Because I do, buddy. Yeah. All right? You look like a guy who doesn't get blow jobs. You're out of your mind. You like these pictures of my rims? I'll bring you some real pictures next week. Gross.

I don't want to see any other. kind of rims coming from you. Let's move on. Yeah? My next problem? All right. Well, mine's, first of all, let me just add. Mine is a universal problem.

Everyone's got to deal with it. Yeah. You know, I will add this. This is actually kind of a sad note. Well, maybe I don't want to end your problem on sad note. We'll just move on. Why? What are you going to say?

Well, in Africa, it's a huge problem with AIDS, right? And there are some of these slums, these villages that are just slums. And I remember watching this newscast that went down there and interviewed somebody who said that he regularly has unprotected sex with prostitutes who he knows have HIV. Yeah. Okay. So, and they asked him like, well, you know this woman has HIV. Why are you still having sex with him? And he says, look around you.

There is a sewer behind me. It's the stench makes me want to throw up every single second of my life. He says, this is all I have to look forward to. So I guess there is that. Jeez, that's a really sad story. I know. It's a bummer. I didn't want to end on that note, but yeah, that's kind of the flip side of it.

Sex without a condom is such a powerful motivator that people would even risk getting HIV. Yeah, all right. So there's that. Huge problem, I guess. Figure it out. Yep. Somebody figure it out. It's not working.

The current thing is not working. Yeah, that supports your argument, though. I mean, if people are willing to go to such lengths, then condoms are, you know, a problem, I guess. All right, what's your next problem? All right. My next problem is non-apologies. people who don't give apologies and people who don't give good apologies.

Okay. Right. Don't you have a problem with that? No, because I give them. I've never given a genuine apology. I don't. I think like 90% is just saying, I'm sorry. No, there has to be sincere.

So I would suspect that you're a really bad apologizer. Oh, what makes you say that? Because you're insincere with everything, every aspect of your life. It's totally insincere. So what does sincerity have to do with an apology? That exactly. That is exactly what the problem is. I mean, in a way, like, isn't an apology just something you say to get someone to shut up?

See, so therein lies the problem. No, if you actually mean it, then that's not, you're not just trying to get them to shut up. Oh, give me an example. An example of what? An apology? Yeah. Like a scenario that's... I don't know. Do you have this problem?

Yeah. Do you have a non-apology in mind? Do you have a non-apology in mind? Yeah. So, for example... Like, I know celebrities are never sorry when they apologize. They're rarely sorry. They're trying to cover their ass. Here's a non-apology. When you go to a restaurant and you have a bad experience, the restaurant, the manager might come over and say, oh, well, we're sorry that you feel that way. Okay. That's bullshit. But that's like a corporate apology.

Exactly. It's a bullshit apology. Okay. Yeah. Really? Yeah. And for example, if you argue with like a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, they might say, well, I'm sorry, your feelings are hurt. But what is that? Let's deconstruct that statement for a second. I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. What are they actually apologizing for?

They're accusing you of being like too sensitive. Yeah. It's an accusation. So they've shifted the responsibility of being hurt onto you. On you. Yeah. So now you are responsible, A, for. your own feelings that they intentionally...

And making them apologize. Yeah, and making them apologize. You're so hypersensitive. Yeah. So you know what I did with the last girl I did it for a while? Because I would always want to say that because I did like blame her for it. Yeah. And I would just say sorry and not add that part with the sorry that your feelings are hurt.

Yeah. And it like really tripped her up because I think she was still pissed off, but she knew she couldn't take offense to it because it seemed like a real apology. Yeah. No, you know, I, people can, people can read this. There's like this innate sixth or whatever we're at, like seventh, eighth sense now, whatever, that we can... So it's six, there's only five. Yeah, but people always say... The phrases, six cents. Yeah, okay, whatever.

So we have this innate ability to tell when someone's bullshitting us when it's an apology. Yeah. And I dated someone for a long time who was the worst apologizer. The worst. First of all, she would never apologize for anything. I think I know who you're talking about it. Yeah. Yeah, you do. And I knew, like, I knew the second I met her that we had that in common.

Oh, you dickheads. Like, I can totally tell. Go, what would she say? Yeah. Well, first of all, nothing, which was just, like, deafening silence. Like, you know, especially if we had. I knew that. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. And especially if we had a fight where we both, like, mutually may have said something that we, that we, you know, upset each other. So I'll come, I'll be the bigger man, and I'll offer the apology first. Do you say that before you apologize? You say, look, I'm being the bigger, I'm being the better person here. No. No, not at first.

Eventually I did. I'm like, look, I'm tired of being the bigger man. See, we're all the same. You're acting like I'm the asshole because I give fake apologies immediately, like all the time. I give apologies out like I'm throwing out beads at Marty Grau. Oh, I know. Like, sorry, sorry. Yeah, that's bullshit.

Yeah, I really mean it. No, you don't mean it. That's bullshit. Who cares? Nobody ever means it. Everyone is a selfish asshole. Wrong. That's bullshit.

No, absolutely wrong. Absolutely wrong. Like, if you have genuinely, like, you know, you fucked up. Like, let's say you destroyed your friend's car or something like that, and you feel actual deep remorse. Okay. Right? That's a satisfying apology when it comes from someplace, like a place of remorse.

That's what apologies mean. I feel like that's really easy to apologize for that. Like, sorry, I messed up your car, dude. I'll pay for it, I guess. You know what, dickhead? Like, that would be the end of your friendship with that person. Hey, sorry, I messed up your car, dude. I guess I'll pay for it, I guess.

What do you want? Like, you want me to write you a soliloquy about how sad I am? Like, oh, the heavens could not express the depth of my sorrow for messing up your fucking car. I'm sorry I messed up your car. What more do you want? See, your inability to have any level of sincerity is the problem. That is sincere. No, but you don't have to.

It's not a verbose. The verbosity of it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be a long apology. It just has to be a sincere one. Okay, let me try it again. You tell me this is... Gosh, man. I'm really sorry I messed up your car.

Is that more sincere enough for you? No, still bullshit. What do you want? What are the words that I have to say? Oh, don't you dare say that to me? Don't you dare say that to chicks? I'm like, what do you want me to say so you'll stop? Yeah, because you're being a chick.

You want apologies for what? Who cares? No, because you know what? Another type of insincere apology that I... hate is is when somebody when somebody's just like walking through the mall or whatever and they like might like walk around you they say sorry I'm like no

why are you saying sorry that's an insincere bullshit little thing say excuse me fine because you inconvenienced them well just say excuse me that's fine but what if you already did it well if you bumped into them yeah you say sorry and then you move on okay but I have seen fights start because someone didn't say sorry

you got to say sorry exactly you just have to say it these are words that you have to say in society well yeah but you should there should be some sincerity to it. So let me tell you why this is a problem. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no, don't move on yet. So you're at a movie theater, right? Right. And you're getting up to go to the bathroom. Yeah. Do you say, is it okay if I'm like, oh, sorry? Yeah, that's fine. Because you are genuinely inconveniencing them. They got to move their legs? Or you say, excuse me? Excuse me or sorry? Either one is okay. Okay, so that's sorry is okay. What kind are you talking about that's bullshit in the

Like, for example, if somebody is, no, if you're in a grocery store and you're just walking down the aisle and you walk around somebody and you say sorry. Like, why would you say sorry? What are you apologizing for? And that bothers you? Yeah. Why? Because it's just a bullshit. It desensitizes people to A, saying it and B, hearing it.

Okay. So it just becomes a thing. This is a great topic because I, like your ex-girlfriend, don't give a shit about sorries. Yeah. I know. Oh, I know. You really feel like the word is cheapened. Yeah.

And people are lying to you and they apologize at a grocery store. So sorry is such a powerful thing, like apologizing, because what you lose is a little bit of your... Dignity. Ego. You have to like swallow... Yeah, sure. Not dignity. Come on.

But you have to... That's how I think. You have to swallow a little bit of your pride. Okay. And this is such an important thing because I'm going to take you back to April. 1st, 2011, or 2001, rather. So, April 1st, 2001, or maybe it is 2011. Yeah, it was April Fool's Day.

This was 2001. There was an incident called the Hainan, I think it's Hainan Island incident, where a U.S. spy plane got bumped into a Chinese fighter. So we had some spy planes over off the coast of China. Okay. And what would you say if we had, we intercepted a spy plane, say, from Russia off of our coast, off of the coast of California. And there were, there were, we sent up some fighter jets to escort them away from our airspace. Okay.

And they clipped one of our fighters and our fighter went down into the ocean. And crashed? Yeah. What would you? Well, they owe us a plane. Right. I'm sending them to bill. There you go.

They owe us a plane. And the pilot died. the way. Well, I can't fix that. So, so that happened in China. We, well, we bumped the guy, we killed the Chinese guy? We killed a Chinese, they're, they're, you know,

they're different accounts of what happened, but they, essentially, they're, someone messed up. Yeah, someone messed up. Okay. One of the wings was clipped, the Chinese fighter went down and crashed. I feel like they should send me to China to apologize. Because I'm great, I'm great at apologies.

Oh, the worst. You are absolutely the worst. I'm a great apologize. You're a terrible. Okay, let's, Sean, you, no, everybody who, here's the apology. Yeah. We each are going to apologize. Yeah. And then somebody's going to decide who had the better apology here. Okay.

Okay. Great. Already, this is flawed because neither of us are being sincere about anything. Like, you have to apologize about a real thing. I'm very sincere. You're not, you're the least sincere. China, I'm sorry. We messed up your plane and killed your guy.

We will buy you a better plane. I'm sorry. Go fuck yourself. Nihow, go fuck yourself. Zajan. Okay, now you, let's see your master. Let's see your sincere apology. That sounded sincere as shit, dude.

That did sound sincere as literal shit. Go ahead. Let's hear it. You want a sincere apology? How about this? How about this? We are sorry. We regret the unfortunate incident that happens.

We're sorry for the loss of life. And we're sorry that this cost you so much money. And we hope that it never happens again. We'll try our best to make sure it never happens again. See, now you're getting shaky. Now you messed up. No, that's not a best up. Because that's the element that makes it a good apology is that you are sincerely trying to avoid making the mistake again.

I think, all right. Yeah. So let's go back to this timeline. April 1st. So what happened? A U.S. Navy spy plane involved in a collision with Chinese fighter jet. Spy plane makes an emergency landing. The Chinese fighter pilot dies.

So we had 21 people aboard. this plane or maybe it was 24. They landed safely in Chinese airspace. So even though we clipped the wing of one of their fighters, they still let us land in their airspace, right? Okay. So April 3rd, the Chinese president, Jiang Zemin, says that the United States

must bear full responsibility and asks for an apology and calls on Bush to halt all spy flights near China's coast. Is that unreasonable? I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah, we're not going to stop spying, of course. But he asked Bush to apologize. April 4th.

Nah, you can't do that. What do you mean you can't do that? Make our president apologize? No, of course not. Some pilots messed up? Yeah. No, it's not the pilots messed up. We were in their airspace.

We had a spy craft in their airspace and one of their pilots died because of us. Look, I don't know all the details for the reason that who died. Yeah, but you weren't up there in the sky. I mean, what are they dicking around in the plane? Were they going like, oh, check this out? I'm going to freak this guy out.

I mean, it doesn't matter. we were in their airspace. We were over there. We shouldn't have been... I mean, we got caught, and so somebody died because of it. So Secretary of State Colin Powell at the time says Washington has nothing to apologize for

and refers to the crew as detained. So then April 4th... Look, you don't tell us to... You don't tell someone to apologize. That's a dick move on their part. Have you ever tried to say that with your girlfriend? Hey, uh... Yes.

Baby, you need to apologize for this. Absolutely. And I shouldn't have to. Because if I have to, I've already lost that war. Yeah. Yeah. Get out of here telling someone. want to apologize. No, that's bullshit. Just fucking man up and apologize. I've lost friends because they wouldn't apologize. It's an important thing. You've got to fucking man up. You have

to feel remorse for something that you've done. See, this irrational, this irrational love of apologies is why I just do it compulsively and immediately and without any remorse at all. And it means absolutely nothing. I will totally dupe you every time. No, you won't. No, you won't. I feel like we got to test this. No, we don't have to test it. So, so all the Chinese, the Chinese, the Chinese government Even though we crashed one of their fighter planes, even though we killed one of their pilots, even though we landed in their airspace, they said, we'll give you your plane back, just apologize. Because in Chinese culture and many cultures around the world, losing face means something. Like you will lose a little bit of face. You will lose a little bit of your ego or your pride by apologizing.

Yeah, but that's very aggressive. No, it's not just apology? How's that aggressive? We're going to fucking invade you. We're going to put sanctions against you. But this is a step towards that, because what he's saying is do what I tell you to do, and we'll give you something. Yes, it's pride. Swallow your pride, America. Apologize. So April 4th, Jiang leaves for South America tour repeats the call for an American apology. The U.S. spurns the demand. Good.

This is from the Washington Post, by the way. And then April 5th, Bush expresses regret. Finally, Bush expresses regret for the loss of the Chinese pilot says he does not want the dispute to destabilize U.S.-China relations. And by the way... You know what he should have done? Can I interrupt for a second? He should have said, you know what, we're sorry. We're going to fly the pilot's family to Disneyland. Fuck you, you don't have Disneyland. That's what he should have, that would have been a great, that's the kind of apology that I want to see. Yeah, well, except they do have Disneyland.

So. They do? Yeah, in Hong Kong. Probably sucks, though. I don't know. I don't know. I've never been there. So, so he regrets, he expresses regret, and then he says he doesn't want this dispute to

destabilize U.S.-China relations. And by the way, we did $16 billion of trade with. them that year. So this is what's at stake here. $16 billion and $106 billion on China's side. So then April 7th, by the way, why is this going on so long? April 7th, Washington rebossed. Because that's these people's jobs, these morons that are running the country, their job is to protract these dumb things to make it look like they're busy. This is like two words that Washington won't say that it's potentially going to destabilize our economy. This is fucking stupid. Nobody's going to stop buying Chinese crap because the president didn't apologize. They were

talking about sanctions. America was talking about sanctions and China was talking about sanctions. This is back in, uh, in, in, uh, in, 2001. April 7th, Washington rebuffs another Beijing demand for an apology. April 8th, Dick Cheney insists Washington will not apologize over the incident. April 9th, Jiang Zemin on tour of Latin America repeats Beijing's demand for an apology. April 11th, finally, after 10 full days, finally, they get an apology. And they, they, they, they phrase it in such kind of a bullshit way. They said, uh, that the U.S. is very sorry. that the family and its pilot died. They're very sorry that the U.S. plane had no verbal clearance when it entered Chinese airspace and landed.

Finally, after, for no reason, almost two weeks, we escalated this thing into an international incident when all they had to say is, I'm sorry. That's all the Chinese government I was looking for. I got a longer time that I made somebody wait for an apology. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. You know her. I broke up with this girl because I made a joke about her smoking. Oh, I know who you're talking about.

This is great. Yeah. And no, because you know how I break up. It's, you're done. You're dead to me. Not true. Cot deleted? Not at all.

Oh, yeah, no. I don't stay in contact with girls that I'm not talking to anymore. You are in contact with a girl you're not talking to anymore today. Oh, dude. But yeah, that's like a one-off. Okay. I mean, we're, yeah, we did it a long time ago. We were friends now.

We were friends before that, though. Sure. But, right, as a rule, I don't do, like, a wind down. I don't do a wind down, like, debriefing of what everyone messed up in this relationship. It's like, okay, it's over. Bye. Yeah, well, I mean, that is how you handle it, yes. Yeah. So, I see this girl after no contact eight months later.

And I think one of the first things I said it was like, oh, sorry about that cigarette joke. Oh, wow. Eight months it took, huh? Eight months. Yeah. So China's, they got it easy. This is finally, finally when Bush finally apologized. Here's the apology.

Here's all it took. This has been a difficult situation for both our countries. I know the American people join me in expressing sorrow for the loss of life of a Chinese pilot. Our prayers are with his wife and his child. I miss his voice. No, what a guy. I miss his goofy cartoon voice. Yeah, I was a goofy, like, idiot voice, moron.

That's all it took. You're so anti-Bush, really? Oh, absolutely. He's a moron. He's an idiot. You think he's a moron? Absolutely. Yeah, he's a moron.

I don't think someone can elevate to that position in this country and be a moron. Oh, excuse me, he is absolutely a moron. He got elevated that position through nepotism. He got everything in his life through nepotism. Come on, he's an idiot. The Axis of Evil speech was the single biggest diplomatic international blunder. I mean, yeah, but you realize it's not like a team of people crafting these speeches and these policies. It's not him.

Like, he's a punching bag for them. And who put together that team? Probably him. So therefore, here we go. I don't know. I just don't buy into the whole like Bush is an idiot. He took almost two weeks and elevated this thing to an international incident, lost a lot of diplomacy, lost a lot of credibility, and then ended up apologizing anyway. What did we gain by holding off this apology? I don't know. I'm more interested in why you're fixated on fake apologies.

Because it causes problems. And this is an example of a real world problem where billions of dollars were at stake because someone wouldn't apologize. Yeah. It's a huge problem. I've lost friends over non-apologies. I stopped talking to my own family for a long time because they wouldn't apologize. What's the last thing they didn't apologize for? I don't even know. I don't even.

It's been resolved now, but it's a serious thing. If you don't feel remorse for what you've done, then fuck off. Yeah, but what if you just don't? Sean's got to say something. If you get busted, will you apologize for the avocado? Yeah. Absolutely not. Because that's bullshit. There's no

There's no, you know, there's nothing going on there. There's no... I think it's just something you say to make people feel better. Yes, but it has to be sincere. Otherwise, it doesn't count? Yeah, but doesn't your desire to make them feel better? Isn't that sincere? Like, if I, let's say I'm watching...

I don't know. Let's say I'm watching my girlfriend's dog and somehow it gets all its hair dyed a weird color. Because someone thought it would be funny. Yeah. Okay? If I'm not sorry I did it, but like I just want her to kind of get over it,

Yeah. Isn't that sincere? No. You want them to feel better. However, you have to find a way to sincerely apologize, even if you don't care about the dog's hair color. So, for example, you have to say, I'm sorry that I let that happen. But I did it. Huh?

But I did it. I'm sorry, I did it. Then you have to apologize for doing it. But that's not sincere. And then follow up with, I'll never do it again. That should be sincere. So more lies? No, I'm not saying lie.

That's the problem. What aren't you getting? Just don't lie. Say it sincerely. But to not lie is to not... Like, I'm not really sorry. I'm sorry that you're so upset by it and I just want this to be over.

That's a bullshit apology. It's like a magic word that makes people not sad anymore. No, it's not magic, dude. It's not. You have to actually mean it otherwise it means nothing. I don't need that though.

Like, I just need him to say it. Well, I know because your fucked up mind thinks everyone works the same way you do. No, it's not fucked up and I'll tell you why. Because I just need them to acknowledge that it pissed me off. I don't need you to feel bad about it. I just need you to say, yeah, I can tell you're

pretty pissed off about this. And I'm like, yeah, I am. Fine. I can see that you can see that. And what would you hope to come of that? I don't know. That they would never do that again? I don't, yeah, but not, I don't hold people that high of a standard. Like, I think that they probably just messed up. I don't think they have that kind of control over it. Well, if it's something that it's incontrollable, like, for example, alcoholism, I've known people who are alcoholics, and they keep relapsing, and they keep relapsing, and they keep apologizing, or they're gamble-holics, or whatever they're- Are you talking about me?

With the alcohol? No, I, no, you're a functional- Because I'm fine. Sure, you seem fine. Yeah. You're a functional alcoholic. But- I want an apology for that.

I'm sorry. Great. There, there we go. And you know why? I'll tell you why I accept that, because it still hurts you to say. And, like, even if you don't mean it, it still feels like you're degrading yourself by apologizing. Even if you don't mean it.

That's why I think it counts. Do you think that pride has any actual value in life? It makes you feel good. Think about it. Think about what you're about to say. Do you think pride has value? Insofar as it makes you feel good about yourself, which is the entire point of life. I think it's stupid when people blow big opportunities or assholes out of pride.

But I can't say it's illogical because it makes you feel good. Like, yeah, everything else in life you do is what makes you feel good. You've got to find a balance. Pride has a lot of value. And for some people, that's all they have. So if you make somebody swallow their pride, it really means something. Because you're trading something that has, that's worth more than money. I think that's more important than actually being sorry, is making them sacrifice pride to say it.

Well, that's, you know, they're in tail. You know what? I had a sudden realization that we sound like complete whack jobs when we're talking about apologizing like this. Why is that? I don't know. I just had that sudden feeling. I don't know if it's going to be true. Yeah. We've got to check the comments after this. I can't wait to read the comments after this. But I think somehow both of us are way off on this topic. Oh, I think one of us is way off and I think it's that side of the table. Yeah, but everyone does what I do. Everyone gives fake apologies.

No, that's your fucked up like perspective because you think everybody thinks like you. But we don't. We don't. That's you. I don't think they think they think they just do it. Like, I don't think they realize they're doing it. I think they just kind of say, oh, sorry. No, I am evidence that you're wrong. I give sincere apologies. When I actually mean it and I say that I'll never do it again, that's a sincere apology. That's all you should do. And you shouldn't cheapen it by saying, oh, sorry if you're like, I don't know, if you're getting gas or something and you don't have exact change.

That's not an apology. You don't have to apologize for that. I apologize with the gas machine just to like keep my apologizing chops up. Like if I put the card in too hard, I'm like, oh, sorry about that, buddy. Hopeless. All right. All right. What's our problems? I had the U.S.

soccer team, the U.S. men's soccer team because the women always win the World Cup. I mean, I don't really care about that, but the men's... Just dust that under the rug. I'll get into, I can get into that. I'm sure. In another episode. The U.S. men's soccer team, or just the U.S. sucks at soccer.

Yeah. The U.S. sucks at soccer. Yeah, because we do it as a country. Sure. Yeah. That's the problem. The U.S. sucks at soccer. Should we call it football on the website, I think?

Probably so the rest of the world world knows. No, it's soccer. All right, soccer, fine. I'm not spelling it with a U or an umlat. Or whatever. Put your foot down. Yeah, no oomlots. No umlots at the biggest show in the universe,

or the biggest problem in the universe. In fact, I want us to be so good at the next World Cup that everyone has to call it soccer. That we win the World Cup and we're like, FU, now everyone has to call it soccer for four years. That's the game. Yeah, I'm on board. It's us versus the whole world.

Correct. Okay, and the other one was condoms because everyone hates them. And I don't think they're necessary. I don't think everyone should be so crazy for condoms like they are. Yeah, maybe you're right. My problems are people who can't eat spicy food and non-apologies. All right, head to the website.

Biggest problem in the universe to vote. That's right, and we'll read your comments next week. Thanks for listening. See ya.