The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 60

Episode Date: May 26, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe. From ants to AIDS, with over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer, welcome back. Sean, welcome back from the penis contest. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah.

How was it? Did you win? Man, do you know how many questions from my family I have to answer because of you two fuckers? You did your family listen to this? Like, I would have gone. Why didn't you invite me? Big penis aficionados. Proud of their penises. They've been penising for years. For generations. Yeah. Guys, I want to talk a little bit before we begin the show about the show itself.

We are at 3.5 million downloads, if you heard that intro, if you're paying attention. which is huge, but not big enough. Not big enough for this ego. Right. Right? I don't think it is big enough. We need to grow this audience, guys. So I want to make a push.

I'm curious. I want to see what you guys have to say in the comments about ideas of growing the show. Here's the thing. I don't want to grow the show to people who don't deserve to listen to it. Here's what I want you guys to do. Here's a little homework assignment. I want you to go look at the top 10 comedy podcasts on iTunes or Stitchie. or any website, just listen to a minute or two of the top 10 comedy podcast and compare the quality of their podcast to ours.

Compare the audio quality. Compare the pacing. Compare the dialogue, the conversation. And just see the caliber of show we are delivering to you. Yeah. Because someone recently criticized the Mark Maren show. Oh, yeah. Right?

Yeah. And I don't want to be shitting on the Mark Maren show. Like, you know, whatever. He's got a very successful show. but he did a show with Obama, and people couldn't believe how bad it sounded. Yeah. The audio sounded awful. It doesn't have Sean.

Not even Obama has access to Sean. No. Obama doesn't have enough money or power. Sends me emails every day. Hey, Maddox. Let me have Sean for a few minutes. Anyway, yeah, I just want to mention that, guys. Dick and I just finished recording our bonus episode.

Yeah, and if your problem, if the reason you didn't buy a bonus episode, episode thus far is because there wasn't enough rancorous fighting on the bonus episodes. We solved that for you this episode. Yeah, we solved that problem. And we had a midstream solutions switch by a shifty fuck. Because you fucked me. You're the shifty fuck.

Yeah, because I fucked you on a show where there is no contest. Yeah. We also played a game, a fun board game brought in by called the cops, I don't give a fuck. He sent us... Anthony Moline... Melisson?

Yep. Anthony Mollison. He also sent us, Dick. Let me read you what he said on the back of this game board. Dear Dick and Maddox, thank you for such a kick-ass podcast. It's way better than Mark Marens.

He didn't say that I added them. You guys never fail to make me laugh. This is my gift of appreciation to the crew for giving me something so enjoyable. As long as you continue to release new material, I'll keep consuming. Right. He sent us an entire board game that he made. but Dick, before we go on.

Which you won, because at the end of the game, you were the closest to the start. Oh, wow, yeah. That's what we determined at the end of that episode, you shifty fuck. That's how you win. Guys, the problems from last week, ranking number one was selfie sticks. Biggest problem in the universe, selfie sticks, followed by no fumar. The no farting problem. You know what, everybody, fine.

Good, let them take everything away from us. Let them take the cigarettes. Let them take the drinking. You know, push the smoking age up to 47. That's when we're adults, right? Right, right before you hit 50. That's when you're ready to make choices about your life, right? Not 18, not 21.

Oh, fuck, not even 25. Yeah. It looks like they haven't taken away your soapbox. You know what? You know what, Maddox? You know what you're doing? What? You know what you and all your cronies are doing?

What are me and my cronies doing? Who hate cigarettes so much? Who hate the smell of cigarettes. by the way. It's not the smoking. They don't care about the science or the health behind it. It's just the smell. It's just the smell.

It's not, but go on. It's just the smell. You guys, you're loading a gun. You're loading a gun that in 50 years, the government is going to turn on meat. They're going to take that gun that you guys loaded, and they're going to point it at meat, and they're going to say, you know what, meat is bad for you. You're not allowed to eat as much meat as you want.

That's what's going to happen because it's the same thing. Yeah, it's really dangerous. too, because when I'm in a restaurant eating a steak, someone sitting next to me who's a vegetarian might get some of that residual secondhand steak in their stomachs, right? Hey, you don't get any secondhand smoke when you're

outside. Yeah. And it's banned outside. Well, you do. You're not allowed to smoke in your fucking apartments in some cities. Smell my t-shirt, dickhead. I was in a bar last night just standing next to someone who's smoking. Not even that close. Like four feet away. I smell like a fucking chimney. You smell cool. I like that he's wearing the same t-shirt from last night.

Shut up, Sean. Sean, we're so glad to have you back from your penis contest. Thank you. Tim John says, tell Sean he's never allowed to take off from another podcast ever again. It just wasn't the same without his minutes' worth of chymins and laughter. If Sean wants to spend his Saturdays measuring penises, then you and Maddox bring the penises to the studio. If he wants to farm that ass, then you and Maddox find some asses and a hoe for his contentment.

You do whatever you have to do to keep this well-oiled machine moving. Well, speaking of keeping the well-oiled machine moving, dick. more about a smoking. Okay. I got some more stats about smoking. You guys also said that if smoking is costing you money in health care, then it should be banned, right? Right.

And I said, there's no numbers for that. If there was a number of how much a smoker is costing health care, we would all know it because that's all that would be required of these anti-smoking bills. Sure. Here's the number. Guess what? There is a number. You know what the numbers say?

What? Smokers save the health care system. money. Yeah, because smoking is now taxed to the point where it's actually feeding into the healthcare system. That's part of it. The other part is smokers die early. So that last 10 years of your life, when you, Maddox, because you still want to ride your bicycle around town, are getting bionic hip replacements and ankle bracelets and knee bracers to keep you moving, smokers are dead. Or they're sitting in their homes smoking. Because that's what happened to people who have temperate amount of exercise in their lives, who exercise,

moderately and stay healthy. They need bionic hip replacements, right, Dickhead? That's not a genetic condition. Smokers aren't costing anybody money. They just want to smoke. They're not costing you any money. I brought in a bunch of stats, but I don't care because I'm bored talking about smoking already. Great, because fuckhead, they're taxed heavily in America, but the smoking operations, the

smoking outfits have moved over to the Middle East and to the Philippines and to countries where it's not heavily regulated and to countries where the government is corrupt. and can be bribed easily. And so then you have them advertising for kids. I've been to Syria. I've been to the Middle East. And guess who the number one smoking demographic is? 14-year-olds.

Yeah. Because that's all over the world. That's the same. That's true in America as well. No, it's not. That's when kids start. They start before they're 18. 90% of smokers start before they're 18.

But they are not targeted. They're not targeted and marketed towards, like they are as heavily in Middle Eastern and corrupt countries. The smoking operations, yeah, they might be paying into our health care system through taxes, but not abroad. You know what, kids, it's cool. Cool. All right, be like me.

I'm not even getting paid for that. Great. Dick, before we get on to the comments. You're not going to hear that on Mark Maren. No. Go ahead. Before we get on with the comments, we receive some fan mail from some physical fan mail. And I don't check my PO box that much.

But I finally did. And I got this comment. Can I say? Because sometimes when you check it, it's full of loose barbecue sauce. And nobody wants that surprise twice. Yeah, actually. Oh, actually, Dick, I did get a package this last weekend. So when I checked my PO box, I do have a new package I want to discuss on the show.

But first, I got a card. This was sent to us way back at episode number 52. Oh, it has been a while. Yeah, it's only been two months. Maddox and Dick, congrats. On episode 52, aka only one year, in quotes. Right. With Dick's easy calculation, thanks for everything you provide us with.

Happy birthday to the biggest problem. Now go vote up monkeys, and he sent a card. It shows a monkey picking his nose. Yes, vote up the solution of monkeys. The problem, Dick, he's talking about the problem. He says he couldn't have picked, and the card says he couldn't have picked a better dad than you. And he crossed out better dad. He says, bigger problem than you.

So this is a dad. A happy Father's Day card that he sent? I guess. Well, it's for episode 52, whichever that was. And this was sent by Anthony Mollison, the same guy who sent us the board game, called the Cops IDGAF on Twitter. I don't give a fuck on Twitter. Yeah.

Thank you, Anthony. He sent us the card and the board game. That's fucking cool. That's cool. Then I also got Dick, this is a very special gift I got from one of our fans, one of our listeners. Her name is Christine Fulton. And she sent me an email a while back and said, She does these art pieces on dollar bills on different U.S. currency.

Cool. So she sent us some. She asked me if we'd like some for the show, and she made us custom artwork for each of us. Really? Yeah, here. I'll present you first, Sean's. Well, I'll present you, Sean's. Okay, yeah, here you go, Sean.

Why don't you tell us what it is. Welcome back from the penis contest. Yeah, welcome back. It's on a dollar bill, and she pays. She painted what? Oh my God. She painted two giant dicks and balls with cum dripping out of it. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

No, no, hang on, no, I can't see it. This is a gift or this is a gag? It looks really good. No, she's a really well done. The cum is dripping onto a hot dog. Oh, right. Yeah. And it says stat.

As a penis judge, what would this pass as at the penis contest? What would you grade this as? And show dick. Pass the dollar round. They're kind of short dicks. Yeah. I'll be the judge of that. They're not contest winners.

Sean, they're growers, not showers. Oh, yeah, Shans, first of all, this one's uncircumcised on the right. These are really high-quality penis. They're high-quality penises, right? They're shaded well. Good penises.

Next, I would like to present you Dix. Dix was drawn on a 20. She spent, this is an actual $20 bill, guys. There's a $20 bill. It even has the markers. thing in the corner where they test for counterfeit? Alright, let's go. There's a... Here's dicks. Yeah. Turn it to the side. It's a portrait. Yeah, there you go. Oh, it's a glass of whiskey.

All right. Yeah. Two ice cubes. That's just how I like it. And two straws. I'll flick those straws right out of there. Yeah. Top shelf on the bottom. There's a rainbow on the bottom. And I believe there's a 52 written somewhere there too. For the proof? Let me see. You see it in the glass? Oh, yeah. Probably 52 episodes, though. 52 proof would be sake there. Uh, uh. Yeah, so she sent me, good one. True, Gilmage. I don't give a shit.

She sent a note, she said, Maddox, thanks. Oh, this is great. And this is, like, typed, too. This is hand typed. Well, I guess machine typed. She says, Maddox, thanks for the laughs times 50. And for accepting your tip without hesitation. She put tip in quotes.

Good job on being right about most everything. Guardians of Zandar was fucking terrible. Christine. Thank you, Christine. And then there's a little PS here. P.S. sprayed bills with a fixative so they can be handled or recirculated if times get hard. That's interesting. So then comes with mine. Mine's the final one. She spent a 50 on this, guys. This is an actual $50 U.S. bill. Look at this one. Dick, you, you describe it.

Oh, it's a naked lady. It's a naked half unicorn lady, but she's got a dick instead of a horn. By the way, do you see Colin perk up here? My brother-in-law's in the studio today. Yeah, we got a studio guest. He perked up when he said naked lady. Naked lady, you like this? Like this naked lady, Colin? Take good look at that naked lady.

Do you want me to make her dance for you? I'm shimmying the bill from side to side for those of you who can't see. Nice rack. First of all, those are some big bees. She's also got a sock puppet on her hand where it's got devil horns. and there's a very intricate tiny drawing of your face on her inner thigh. Yeah, that's usually where you find my face.

Inner thigh of women. Wow, not me. I make them work. Oh, it's no work, my friend. Going down on women is no work? Not for me, man. What do you do? I do that shit in my sleep.

Oh, man, that would be... Oh, that would make that deal. Hey, the snoring's a stimulant. It's like a little vibrator down there Like a chainsaw And finally I got a package From Justin Deering I believe

It says Maddox So you mentioned barbecue sauce I said Maddox I offer you this barbecue sauce in tribute It has been packaged in a superior manner Than previous attempts by persons or butts unknown I'm sending two copies of my book He's a publisher

He's a published author One for you and one for you and one for Dick, please contact me if it would be feasible for me to discuss with both you guys what I consider to be the biggest problem in the universe, doomsayers, or should that read end of the world

dipshits? I deferred to you on that correct phrasing of that, and I can be reached out, blah, blah, blah. That sounds like a private message. Then he said here, if the barbecue sauce does leak, I guess it's not the end of the world, and he sent us this package, guys, I'm pulling out here a Ziplock bag

of McDonald's barbecue sauce. Yeah, it's leaking. And it has leaked. It is leaking. So you fucked that up. Yeah, you fucked that up. You should have prepped for that doomsday a little better. Although, I will say this.

It is better packaged than But Sanchez's package because none of the barbecue sauce has left the Ziploc bag. Well, what else is in there? And he sent us two copies of his book, one for me and one for Dick. And here are the books. The book is called The End of the World Delusion. and it has a big asteroid on it

with 2012. Did he miss the boat on this 2012 thing? Maybe. It says here the subtitle is How Doomsayers Endanger Society By Justin Deering. Justin, it sounds like you have a horse in this race

by bringing in doomsayers. Wait a minute. He just got an ad on this show for the cost of four McDonald's tangy barbecue sauce packets? Sounds like it. Did you just get duped into an ad? No, he sent us his book.

He's a fucking genius. Yeah, he's a genius. He sent us his self-publishes. book on the 2012 end of the world delusion? No, Dick, this isn't, I don't think this is self-publish, is it? It's by iuniverse.com press. Uh-oh. Speaking of fan, I got some awesome fan art, I got to show you.

Wait, wait, wait, you guys know there's messages written to you. Oh, yeah. He signed this. Mine says, Two Maddox, the least worst problem in the universe. Congratulations on your latest book. Wishing you a long and healthy career as you make people happy by making other people miserable. Thank you, Justin.

To Dick Maddox's right-hand man, I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere. Yeah, it's me. One year, that's a Titanic achievement. Congratulations on the 52nd anniversary. I hope you have as much fun tormenting Maddox as we do listening. I do. Good pun, thanks. Okay.

Speaking of fan art, did you see the giant head fan art that somebody made of me? Yeah, this week? Pretty well done. Pretty well done. It's black and white, very stylish. Pretty awesome, man. I think that's accurate. Did you see that?

Sean? That's the coolest picture of me that I've ever seen. All right? I got that printed on a t-shirt. Did you really? Yeah, I got them to send me a high-res version. You can put it on my spread shirt shop. Yeah. I'm wearing a power gem, a Titanic heart of the... First of all, did you know this heart reference? Did you get this heart gem reference? This diamond heart pendant that I'm wearing in the picture? I just assume everything is Game of Thrones. Oh, that Titanic? That's from Titanic. The Gem and Titanic. You're going to learn all about it in a couple episodes.

I will not. All right. Pretty awesome. Garbage. Pretty awesome. All right. I got a comment from Jordan Scott Ling. He says, it was pink.

First of all, I want to mention, the last episode I mentioned my sister passed away. And a lot of you, there was a huge outpouring of support. Thank you all for your kind wishes and messages to me. Everybody said condolences and their heart went out to me. Everyone was really nice to me in the comment for the most part. Then Jordan Scott Ling says it was pancreatic cancer dickhead in response to to Bill Hicks dying from cancer.

I said it was long cancer and it was actually pancreatic cancer. Bill Hicks actually called in. Oh yeah? Yeah, to correct you. Let's hear what he says. Hey, Maddox.

Dick, how's it going? Bill Hicks here from Beyond the Graves and this is how we talk. What's why I've got you guys know that I know Maddox said in the last episode that, you know, I died from lung cancer, but that's sort of horseshit. I died from pancreatic cancer,

you fucking retard. All right? Jesus Christ. What's wrong? Add a little bit of cigarette smoke. Figures from a guy that's favorite fucking whiskey has some sorority girl drink. Center in Fireball bullshit.

That's a good point. Anyways, Maddox, go fuck yourself. Dick, keep being awesome. Wow. Wow. Bill Hicks, man. You have Bill Hicks. Pancreatic Cancer, gone.

I forgot to mention that Daggers for Teeth is the one who did that amazing art of me that I'll be posting later. Cool. The Twitter account? Yeah. Dagger's for Teeth. Cool. We also didn't mention game obliterator. Yeah.

Made by Denzel Walks? Denzel walks made that website, Game Abliterator. biz, Tom Phillips's website. He's the designer that Tom Phillips hired to create his website for. Oh, right. If you remember, Denzel was at our live show. Oh, that's right, that Denzel. Yes, that Denzel.

He was wearing a shovel night shirt. That guy's cool. I remember. So one of our fans showed up to our live show, Denzel, and he created the Game Abelterator. combs website for on behalf of Tom Phillips, who's a real person and not a mysterious script. Coconos.

Right. Yeah. I got a comment from Matt Barr. He said, the street fighter guy. He says, oh, and by the way, there was so much acrimony and crying in the comments last time from people who were defending Super Smash Brothers, your garbage game. Hold on. Here you go.

I got one who called in. Hey, Van Ox, you stupid-ass piece of shit. Listen here, you fucker. Smash Brothers is one of the most highly technical fighting games this side of the fucking universe. So if you want to talk shit about my game, fucking fight me. I don't care what you want to fucking fight in. Mars versus Capcom, street fighter.

I think you might lose that one, too. Did my voice just cut out his fucking call? You pussy, come back here. I think he... That's it? Well, yeah, technology is incapable of them hanging up the phone. Oh, well, well, well. You rage quit your own fucking phone call.

Into the show, you pussy. I'll fight you in real fucking life. How about that? Is that a technical fight? Punch of the face. You want to fight that guy in real life? I'll fight that guy in real life. over Super Smash Brothers?

I'd rather have a real-life fight than Super Smash Bros. I'll go to jail. I don't give a shit. Okay, Maddox, I've got a two-page treatise on why Super Smash Bros. is the greatest fighting game and most technically challenging fighting game ever made. These fucking crybaby morons. I think they're right, though. No, they're not.

I watched a slow motion breakdown of a Smash Brothers of a melee fight. And there's an incredible amount of moves and counter moves going on. Oh, count moves and counter moves. You know, Matt Barr sent that video in. He said, say what you will about other iterations, Maddox, but Super Smash Brothers melee is insanely complex and competitive at high levels of play, and is totally a fighting game, and in parentheses, he's based off sumo wrestling, and is totally a fighting game.

He's defending that it's even a fighting game. I won't do any angry rant or anything. It's almost a ballet. It's so complex. Oh, yeah, it's a ballet all right. He says, I just suggest you... A ballet of carnage. He says, I suggest you watch this two-minute video,

and then he linked to the stupid YouTube video that half the fucking dips in the comment section last time, link to. It's a video where it shows, oh, is Super Smash Bros. is not complex? Well, watch this. And then it shows a sequence that happens over the span of like 10 or 15 seconds where some guy knocks out of the guy off the cliff.

And then they play it back in slow motion, and then they show each button sequence that the person presses. And I counted them. It's 36, guys. That's not that fucking complex. But it happens in like two fireballs. Dick, so does the first.

fucking two or three fireballs. Why do you watch Daegos Street Fighter Perry where he won the World Championship? That's fucking complex. Streetfighters like chess. Super Smash Brothers, you have characters that teleport. You have characters that clone themselves. You have characters that shoot projectiles. You have characters that fall through platforms.

You have characters that are big and it's unbalanced. It's garbage. It's diarrhea. And it's fucking stupid. It's fighting tourism. You guys want to play a real fighting game? See me on the Street Fighter Court. Buddy.

I thought you were going to say, see me in the real world for a second, but I remember who was talking. Well, I don't know if there's anything in this email that Jacob sent in that will counter that. He says, melee's AP actions per minute rivals that of Starcraft. Whoa. Which means every minute there are about 300 inputs. Maddox, what does that mean? I'm genuinely asking you what the hell that means.

Okay, what they're talking about is, is actions per minute, APM or APS, actions per second, whatever. It's a big pissing contest metric. It's a big pissing contrast metric that people use to defend their shitty video game when it comes under attack. So StarCraft users say, well, a really complex StarCraft fighter does a lot of actions per minute. Guys, you don't have to necessarily do a lot of actions per minute in order for the game

to be complex or difficult. And by the way, if you have to press so many fucking buttons all the time, that doesn't suggest that the game is balanced, does it? You can play a game that you don't press a lot of actions per minute. Like, for example, what's the fighter game where you'd knock you Angry birds? No.

With the With the... Look at all these fucking non-gamer rookies laughing at that joke. That's a dumbest joke ever heard my life. Okay, Starlar. I don't know anything about games. I admit it.

So funny. Keep going. What game? Tech and? That's a zero. out of five stars that joke. It's just funny because it was so wrong. All right, Sean. At least you know that. All right. So anyway, no, the Dead or Alive. Dead or Live games. Oh, that's a hot game.

It's a hot game, right? With the boobs. Yeah. How about the volleyball version of that game? Where you can buy them outfits? Not a fighting game. That game, that game is pretty... I'll wrestle my weasel to that game. How's that for a fighting game? Right, Dick. All right, I'm done talking about this. You guys have ruined my mood. I'm in a foul mood already. There's going to be a shit show.

Russell my weasel. I've never heard that. My favorite was roughing up the suspect. I'll rough up that suspect. Okay, okay. Let's put the street fighter contest to the next level.

All right? Well, hold on. Before we go ahead, I just want to say, if your fighting game is so fucking complex and cool, why don't you compare it to other fighting games instead of a real-time strategy game? You're comparing the number of moves per minute

to a strategy game? That's like comparing the number of moves and Street Fighter to chess, you fucking idiot. Okay, I gotta,

I gotta, I, okay, I got another voicemail for you. Hey, yo, Maddox, what's going on? This is blood.

I'm an editor over at Polygon. How's it going, bro? I heard about your Street Fighter feed on Twitch, and I tell you what,

I was blown away when I saw your amazing skills at Street Fighter consisting of Hotokin's and more Hotokin's. and nothing else,

a truly groundbreaking strategy. I would like to reference you in my 2D fighting games for a noobst article. Feel free to reach me at 866, Dick go fuck, a nice woman, because Maddox obviously

hasn't done that yet. Oh, boy. I wonder if that's the same. I wonder if that guy knows the bodybuilding guy who wanted to use your leg day routine. Of squats, and more squats.

Yeah. Men's Health.com, and then what was the other one, the fitness magazine or readers? I don't know. There's so many of them. What was that weird speech impediment that he had, though? He said that he was a vampire. Flod, here's what I have to say to you. Go fuck yourself and fuck Polygon and fuck your bullshit little contest. You don't even understand the strategies of a pro gamer, all right?

Why don't you tune into Twitch and watch me and learn? Because I was on there the other night, Dick. Did you see what I was doing? I created... Somebody sent in some stuff that you were doing. It's not... I would call it unholy. What'd they send in?

Clay, you know, one of the artists for a show who draws the thumbnails? He does the thumbnails, yeah. He sent me some things you were making on your Twitch, that you were teaching people how to make in 3D. Yeah. And I... I gotta ask you what this is,

because it looks like some kind of aborted fetus that you're showing people how to make. What is that? Oh, that's Mario. That's Super Mario. Oh, my. Look it. It looks like Super Mario.

Sean's making a face of approval. Colin thinks it's cool. He's shaking his head, no, like, no way that's so good. No one person made that. It looks so good. Maddox, this is really, it looks like a piece, a pile of shit that someone's spray painted to look like Mario. That looks like a pile of shit.

It looks like a, it looks like a harlequin baby. Is that my gasp? Yeah, that's your gasp. How dare you? I'm going to sue you. I'm going to sue everyone. related to this show. Well, this is a better angle. You guys tell me, does that

look like Mario or does that not look? So this is, you're making these on your Twitch stream and teaching people how to make this, right? Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay. It's pretty good to me. It looks like a baby that someone would have if they like jizzed it sideways.

And then there's, I don't, I, uh, I sent this to Jim Carrey because I think this next one is the actual cause of autism. Oh boy. It's, you making Sonic the Hedgehog. This is going to be a good joke. Let's see this. That was the joke.

Great. Yeah, go ahead. I got to bring it up here. Where are you, Sonic? Oh, here we go. Okay. This is an animated gif of you making it, so it should be playing here. Someone made an animated gif of me making Sonic?

Yeah, of your Twitch stream. Cool. That's a tutorial that's a meme. Spread that shit, guys. Learn something for a change. But they look awful. Dick, how? I mean, these look awful.

Okay, that was not done. That was a screenshot of it not done yet. Yeah, but, like, midway through the World Trade Center construction, it didn't look like God had just shit in the middle of Manhattan. And that's what this looks like. It should look like it's shaping into something. Dick, are you a 3D modeler? If you call this 3D modeling, then yes. No.

Because I've taken shits that look like this before. You're not a 3D modeler. You don't understand the complexity. Alloys and things of the molecular structures. You don't understand the complexity. You don't understand the mind it takes and the approach it takes to do 3D modeling. So you see that and you think, oh, do-da-da-I'm dumb and I don't understand 3D modeling, just like everyone else who is watching that Twitch stream,

and you'll take a screenshot of it not being finished and sending it. that in. That's not fair. You see a house, you see a house being constructed. You don't take a picture of the skeleton of the frame of the house and say, look at this piece of shit house. You wait until it's finished. Have the courtesy and respect to let a great master finish his masterpiece before you criticize it. I think we're going to have to put it up to the fans. You guys can go to the website, biggest problem, the universe.com, and check out these abortions. Please do. And they're not abortions. They're masterpieces. All right. Should we get on to the problems? We are eating up time. Alright, you ready?

My problem. Sharks. Sharks? Sharks. The animal? Oh. The shark. Well, well, well.

First of all, guys, sharks are an apex predator. Oh. Okay. Cool. That's the same as us. We are apex predators. Yeah. And they control more land than us.

They don't control land. Volumetrically. Sure they do. The bottom of the sea? You walk into the ocean? Who you have to answer to? Shark. Shark will come out of nowhere, bite you right in your dick.

They don't care They don't even care what they're biting for They don't bite your dick Dick Sure Are you promising me That I won't get my dick bitten by a shark If I'm in shark-infested waters

You can't make that promise Maddox I don't care how bad you are at 3D rendering You can't make that promise I mean sharks eyesight isn't that good Can't be able to find it They go right from... Oh fuck you It's a one-biter

It's a species war Okay between us and the sharks. This is the definition of a race war between us and sharks. This is the definition of a race war that's starting, it's ramping up. Sharks have attacked 10 people

off the coast of North and South Carolina this year. This year, how many sharks have we attacked? Not enough. Countless. That's not enough, that's what I say. We've attacked countless sharks. Chinese people hunt sharks for their fins. For shark fin soup.

Makes you boners last long. They should hunt. them for pride. We shouldn't even be using those fins. You hate sharks. I hate sharks and I hate everything that has to do with sharks. I think sharks are cool. I hate shark week as well. You it's shark week? It's it's it's it's it's nothing but regurgitated footage. It's almost no new footage every year and you know what it is Sean it's people telling me how sharks are just being sharks and there it's it's it's an entire it's an entire company devoted to telling me about how sharks are not bad guys when they are.

Every fucking shark-loving piece of shit out of it. I went to the zoo with my sister and her kid. What's the first thing I see when I go into the aquatic area is, you know what? Sharks have a bad reputation, but really, they're just being themselves in their own habitats. Fuck that.

Them being themselves, us being ourselves is also killing sharks. I'm sick of shark apologists. It's like people, shark apologists are like women who write to prisoners. It's like women who marry prisoners. You know that mindset? Yeah. Yeah, I'm writing to this guy in jail and I want to get married to this dangerous, murderous psychopath.

Yeah. If you're a shark apologist, that's you. Because sharks are murdering machines. They outlive the dinosaurs. First of all, Dick, they're not murdering machines. How often does a human die from a shark attack? Almost, hold on. Don't guess and embarrass yourself.

Oh, I know it's almost... I'll say it right now. I'm wagering that it's almost never. It's less than a thousand people a year. What is it? Oh, no, they think there's only about a hundred or so worldwide attacks reported every year. It's probably more because some of the...

Probably a lot more. Because no one reports the attacks where the guy just got eaten whole. Well, Sean, true or false. There's usually a witness. Here's the number of shark attacks since 1,180. 1100. In the U.S. In the U.S., in the U.S., though, Australia, 650.

Wow, Australians are juicy. Australians are delicious people. Those are attacks of spite, though. That's my point. These sharks have to be stopped. They're invading. They're invading. You know what happens when sharks invade our waters?

We do nothing about it. Yeah, well, no, we do. We put up signs and tell people, hey, stay out of the water. What the fuck? Put up a sign that says you're not allowed to swim here? Fuck you! I swim wherever I want to swim. Maybe I polluted this water too much and I can't swim there,

but some fucking shark isn't going to tell me where to swim. Then fucking swim there, you big fucking pussy, get in the water. Then I'm going to get my ass bitten off. Not me. I'm not afraid to swim the sharks, I'll punch them. I've been in a shark cage, buddy. I've barfed on a shark. That's a fact.

A cage. What a pussy. Are you going to fight Matt Barr and Street Fighter in a cage too so you don't get hurt? Real funny. Real funny joke. This is true, Dick. I have been in a shark cage before. Have you? Have you ever been in a shark cage? Sean?

No. No, neither of you. Bunch of you? Bunch of you. I've been in a shark cage. With great whites? Not great whites. I'm working on it. With tiger sharks. Tiger sharks. It's pretty dangerous. Were they really tiger sharks? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, they were. Because I just wanted a picture of me flipping off a tiger shark and I got it. It's amazing. Was your hand outside of the cage or inside? It was outside of the cage. It was definitely outside of the cage. And by the way, this was the first time I ever went snorkeling, too. So someone handed me a snorkel and said, here you go. So I had to figure out how to snorkel and get in a shark cage. and take my underwater camera out and flip off a shark one-handed while taking a photo.

I got it. I got the shot. It's amazing. You're floating at the top of the cage because you have to snorkel. Yeah. Yeah. I'm ready to jump back in the boat at any moment. Hey, well, you're already in a cage, dick.

You're not making a statement about bravery. Which, by the way, a lot of people are too pussy to get in a shark cage, too. And by the way, sometimes those break. Those shark cages aren't entirely invincible. So anyway, I got in this shark cage, and the water was really chopped. And I got out, we went down in two different groups, right? This was, I believe, in Hawaii. And I got out and my friend was really nauseous.

And he barfed overboard. And the captain said, go ahead and aim for this bowie, right? And he hit it. He hit the bowie. But as soon as I see someone barf, I got to barf. So the captain said, do what other people are doing. Well, that's cool. I do that too.

When it comes to nausea, you know, if I see someone barf, I got to barf. So the captain, I mean, not always, but this happened to be, I'll tell you why in a minute. He said, go over the side and aim for the buoy. And I said, okay, they were feeding the shark. As the shark came up, I threw up on the shark. Good. I threw up three times and two of them landed on the shark. I barfed on a shark twice.

Yeah. The same shark. Fuck sharks. Wow. I don't know, man. I think sharks are fucking cool. Although. Why are sharks cool?

Fuck sharks, yeah. I mean, I flipped one off. That's fucking cool. shit. I'm fucking cool shit. Sharks are cool because they have big teeth and they eat things and they kill things. That's fucking cool. That's why I like lions. Lions are cool. You like lions? Lions are cool. All right. Sean, you like lions, sharks? Yeah. nodding his head. He likes all that shit. It's cool, dick. Why don't you guys just go fuck a shark then? Good. Fuck both of you. Maybe I will. They're taking our beaches, man. They're not taking our beaches, you big pussy. Sharks aren't a problem.

Recefe in Brazil. One of the most beautiful beaches in the world, right? Yeah. A little bit up the coast, they build a port, and they have to dig an estuary for the ships, so the ships can come in and dock at the port. Right, right. What happened? They created a migration channel for sharks. So now, this beautiful beach is infested with sharks. Do you know why? Because they're going there to rook.

There was a huge increase in attacks, and it's because they had a slaughterhouse there. And all the stuff they weren't using, they were sending down that channel and attracting sharks for miles away and they were attacking people. Sharks are a big problem. There you go. While they were interviewing a lifeguard about this beach, a shark bit a woman's butt off. Yeah. Great.

Maddox. Yeah. Garbage. Garbage problem. A dog would never bite a woman's butt completely off. Dogs have eaten people's faces off, dickhead, and people get bit by dogs way more often than sharks, and dogs give you rabies, dogs give you all sorts of problems, dogs ruin friendships.

Dogs, I tell you what you. what, Dick, I have never stepped on shark shit walking around on the sidewalk. Never. Not once have I stepped on shark shit, not once has a shark ruined my life or ruin my week, except for on TV. I always walk around, and I'm always fucking stepping

on dog shit, and your defense, what if the sharks, Dick, what if the sharks are just raised by what if they're raised poorly? What if they're raised by crazy people? Sharks? Yeah. They're all raised by crazy people. Oh. They're raised by sharks. So, okay.

Sharks, sharks are doing what they know best, Dick, which is to bite the shit off of things. You fucking shark apologist! This is what you idiot sound like. Yeah. That's it. I'll eat a shark. I don't give a shit. Anyway.

Wildlife experts say there are now fewer than 3,500 great white sharks left in the ocean. That makes now the perfect time to strike and wipe them all out. Okay? Great, dick. We do not need these apex predators floating around, breeding more great. white sharks. Yeah. Sound like big cry baby.

Why don't you go vote babies? And by babies, I mean Dick Masterson. Why do you love sharks so much? They're just cool. Oh, they're just cool. They're cool.

They're the oceans, what is it? Well, I want to say whales are the ocean's garbage disposal. They'll eat anything. Whales, they'll eat... As long as it's plankton. As long as it's plankton.

As long as it's plankton and algae, yeah. What, what John? I was going to say tiger sharks. They call those things swimming garbage cans. Yeah. They will eat anything.

Yeah. Well, they couldn't eat my middle finger. Too tough. 100 million sharks are killed every year. Not enough. Not enough. Happy shark week. That's what I think about sharks.

Yeah. Shark genocide. That's Dick Masterson. Shark genocide activist. We're already in the war. Why don't you just round them up, put them on a train, Dick? Send him to Sharkwits. Sharkwits?

Sharkwits, yeah. Finicide. Finicide. There you go. Sharks don't bother anyone. sharks are fucking bored in the sea they're bored by our boats by our swimming

by our technology sharks are more interested in catching other sharks did you hear about that that big shark that's been catching great whites? No oh yeah there's this giant shark it's a relative of I think it's an ancestor with a megalo's mom wasn't it? It's a bigger great white John, it's a bigger great in the middle of my fucking mom

mom joke you son of a bitch go ahead sorry yeah no it's a yeah it is it's a giant great white that's been eating other great whites. Okay, good. Maybe it's some kind of a robot. Okay. Anyway, Dick, is that all you got? Yeah, that's my problem.

I got a real problem. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. French bread. Oh, you're leading with French bread. Yeast and a flit gun. That's all you need to make your own French bread. Today,

I'm the French chef. French bread Real problem Yeah I'm leading with French bread dick Against sharks I feel I feel pretty confident about this Okay Here's what I got

French bread The crust is awful The bread dries out immediately And cuts the roof of your mouth right Do you like French? Does anyone like French bread? I don't really know what it is Like I know what a baguette is It's essentially a baguette

But the one The stuff that you buy Especially in America Look, I've had baguettes in French, in France, rather. And when they come out of the oven, they're fresh, they're chewy. You get those bubbles inside them. The crust has just enough of that malleability where it's a little bit elastic. That's a mouthful.

Malleability? Yeah. It's not like intellectualism. Okay. It has the right amount of malleability. It has air bubbles in it. It's delicious, right? But only when, like, the shelf life of French bread,

is two to five minutes. Two to five minutes after, throw it away. It's not even worth... Just put your foot in it and walk around with a shoe because it's that tough. French bread is disgusting and it's awful. Do you have a picture of it?

I really don't know what French bread is. Exactly. There you go. Here's some French bread for you. Okay, it's a baguette. That's what I thought it was. It's essentially a baguette. Yeah.

But the stuff that they sell in grocery stores especially is awful. They make hoagies with it They make sandwiches with it The amount of bread that you get in these In these loaves Versus the crust It's something like

70% of your sandwich is fucking bread When you make a bread When you make a sandwich on French bread Okay Right Yeah It's like it's kind of like a VW bug Where they have

The ceilings are rounded Yeah You have all that waste of space I know what a sandwich looks like You son of a bitch I don't want you to confuse it for a square tube or anything like that. Oh, you're talking about the box? It's a bonus episode when you called a box with no lid on it, a square tube.

So you have a problem with too much bread on your sandwiches, man? Too much bread, and also it cuts the roof of your mouth. It's flavorless, awful bread. It's brittle garbage. That's what French... It's powdery, shitty bread. It's the shittiest bread. And it's the most common bread, French bread.

Why? It's like French fries. Does it last a long time? French bread? Yeah. No. Two to five minutes, I told you. Hmm.

Yeah. I go to restaurants. I don't fucking know, man. It's just the bread, it's the defaq. It's kind of like the iPhone. It's a shitty phone. Everybody objectively thinks the iPhone's a piece of shit. Everybody voted it down, voted it down the Android fuckheads problem that you brought in,

and voted up iPhones. And yet people still use it. I don't know why. The touchscreen is garbage. By the way, you fucking assholes. You won. You idiots. I have a touch phone now, a touchscreen phone

I fucking hate it. I'm always using voice to text. It doesn't fucking work. It's inaccurate. It's garbage. I don't have a physical keyboard. My messages are garbled piece of shit. My notes are garbage. Everything's garbage on this phone. I can't look anything up. Oh great. I just missed a call. Fucking garbage. I hate this phone. You won.

Is it an iPhone? No. You should try an iPhone. I have dickhead. Hey, by the way, every time I use an iPhone, I realize another fucking feature that I've just taken for granted on Android because it's so fucking obvious that it doesn't have to be released in a keynote in the next revision of the iPhone, which is, by

the way, just the same as the last revision. But every time they have a new innovation that they steal from Android, they say, oh, well, now you can do this new fucking thing. And every iPhone user gets on Facebook and Twitter and just heralds how genius Steve Jobs is. Oh, suck your dick Steve Jobs.

Blah, blah, blah. Dix. All over their face. Jizz all over their face. They love Apple products. And here's the innovation. Here's the thing you can't do with iPhones. Is there a single button that just clears out all the windows that you have open? No. No, there isn't. No, that doesn't that doesn't, when you have

the apps listed, right? You have to slide off each app individually to get rid of it. Oh, you want to like shut them down? Yeah. Do you really, why would you want to do that though? That is the number one argument I get from a dipshit Apple user. As soon as you point out a deficiency, they say well, why would you want to do that? And you know

what they said when I first pointed out that iPhones can't send MMS messages? That's a picture message for you fucking idiot, Luddite, Dullards who don't understand because you're using iPhones. By the way, they said, well, we wouldn't use that anyway. And then when I pointed out that you can't install apps, the original iPhone

didn't allow people to install apps. And you know what the number one fucking rebuttal was? Well, we wouldn't use that anyway because we can use web apps. Yeah. Idiots. So why would you want to clear the apps? No reason, Dick. Because for somebody to argue that the Apple iPhone

is time saving because it saves the few seconds of you reaching into your pocket and checking your cell phone, Your time is so precious, and yet you have all the time in the world when it comes to turning off apps and shutting them down. You don't see any value in pressing one button and getting rid of all of your apps at once. I don't shut my apps down. No, shit. Yeah, why would you want your phone to run more efficiently and be more battery effective, right? Aren't they just like in RAM suspended somewhere?

Well, you think? No, they're running. They're running in the background. They're taking up RAM. And by the way, that RAM is a precious resource. I don't think they're doing that, though. Well, it doesn't matter what you think. The fact is they are.

Kind of does. No, it doesn't, because it wasn't even until the latest version of the iPhone that they released a task manager that showed you specifically which apps were using battery. So now that they do, you can see all these apps running in the background in your phone sucking up your precious battery resources and your bandwidth and your data. All this shit that's just running in the background in your iPhones. You fucking dullards don't even understand what your phone is doing. Garbage. Anyway, French bread. Voted up. So can you not shut down your apps on French bread either?

What's the problem with French bread? I told you. It's drying disgusting. So it's stale bread. What kind of bread do you like? Well... Because I think French bread's pretty convenient. You just chop off the tip. Chop off the tip.

Chop off the tip you make yourself a sandwich. You can't make a reuben out of it. You need some rye for that, but if you just want a little cheese and bologna sandwich, I guess I got nothing, Dick. You want to cheese and blow any sandwiches, guys. Go ahead and vote down French bread. All right.

Are you done with that? Or do you have more on French bread? Or more on Apple, God forbid. That entire problem was about French bread. There you go. So, yeah, that's all I got. Hickups. Hickups?

Yeah. That's not what you told me. What did I tell you? You didn't say hiccups were your problem this week? What did I say it was? You said, here, I'll pull it up. I got the text message Hold on

Let me fumble around with this touchscreens This fucking awful shitty Technology Oh I said computer graphics Didn't I? No, you said Oh, you just said sharks I didn't even know

You didn't say that you had a second problem You got me Hickups, hiccups Okay Every time I get the hiccups I am afraid that I will have them For the rest of my life It is

I am more afraid of hiccups than I am of getting pulled over by a cop while I'm drunk. Do you understand how frightening that is? There is nothing more frightening than getting the hiccups. It's frightening that you drive drunk. You shouldn't be afraid that you're getting pulled over that you're driving drunk. You shouldn't be afraid that you're driving drunk.

I am afraid of that too. Okay. Not as afraid of getting pulled over. Okay. Have you ever had the hiccups, Maddox? Yeah. It's terrifying. Okay.

Charles Osborne. Charles Osborne hiccuffed for six. 68 years. Dick, you realize that that's an extreme outlier in the statistics, right? That's really unlikely. Anybody could be Charles Osborne. No, that's not true. What do you mean it's not true?

Charles Osborne had some specific condition that obviously is really uncommon. Otherwise, you'd hear about more Charles Osbournes. Jennifer Me of Florida hiccuped for 35 days. Can you imagine that? Yeah. Well, you couldn't even function hiccuping for 35. It could happen to anybody. That's all I'm saying.

I function all the time when I hiccup. It's just kind of annoying. You know, this show where it's not about our minor grievances and annoyances, that's a minor grievance and annoyance. Bob Taylor, 27 years hiccuping. Yeah. Wow. Big problem, Dick. Are you also like one of these people, let's call them kids, who, when the lights go off, they're afraid that it will be dark forever?

No, I don't care about that. Okay. But hiccups, I'm terrified of. Yeah. Yeah. You're afraid, you're... Dick, I don't believe this. I don't believe that you are genuinely that stupid

to believe that you might never stop hiccuping when you hiccup. What, do you just get them, and then you just know that they're going away, so you're fine about it? Because basic human physiology is the same. And most people experience the same calamities the same way. Most people experience pain the same way. Most people orgasm the same way. Most people sneeze the same way. So when I get a hiccup, I know that it's going to stop eventually because it stops in most people.

But you don't know. You don't know for sure. Chris McCurnan started hiccuping at 19, and he hiccups for 60 days. 1.4 million hiccups. They calculated the number of hiccups. That's a real useless number. Yeah. Well, it's a bigger problem than fucking bread.

French bread. French bread. No, you know what? Let's call it fucking bread, because that's what it is. This is fucking French bread. It's fucking awful. And I looked high and low for this documentary, or it was a video, or not a video, an article I read a long time ago. I think it was on BBC.

Yeah. It talked about how all these chefs were going to be calling a boycott on French bread because they said it was universally the worst bread. Everybody hated it. All the chefs hated it. It never adds to the food. It only takes away. Yeah, but it's convenient. It feels your gut.

It might as well eat a sponge. It's convenient. It's fun like a sword. Like you can brand a shit. The only reason it's convenient, dick, is because it's around everywhere. If they replace that bread with something better, then that bread that's better would be convenient, wouldn't it? Like a bunch of rye? Like you're going to take a bunch of handfuls of rye bread camping with you?

No. I'll tell you what's good. Nonbread. There is a real fucking slice of bread, buddy. Nonbread, carry that shit around. Oh, non the Indian bread? Yeah, it's delicious. It's a little thick and heavy.

No, no. not, man. Non-bread is thinner than French bread. It's like a tortilla. It's denser than French bread, but it's not thicker. Okay, denser. You ever had that Ethiopian bread? It's awful. It's kind of spongy. I hate it. What thing is fucking great. It's like sourdough, but it's really, yeah, it's like it. Inger or something like that.

It's sour and it dissolves in your mouth. Ethiopians are not known for food, buddy, all right? I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. Their food is good, man. It's good to avoid. Here's the thing with Ethiopian food. I finally have had good Ethiopian cuisine, where I would still place it. The best I've ever had was pretty good,

still only an eight on the scale compared to average Indian food. I agree Indian food is better. Yeah, Indian food's way better. Ethiopian food often gets compared to Indian food because it's saucy and you eat it with that big thing, with a big piece of bread. But that bread, first of all,

let's not call it bread. Let's not insult bread by calling Ethiopian bread bread. What kind of bread do you like? I told you, non-bread. That's your favorite kind of bread? None is great. I like wheat. I like wheat bread.

Oh, that's the worst kind of bread. No, man. Some honey wheat bread, the brown stuff? Some honey wheat. You know what? You want some good bread, buddy? I'll make you some bread. I'm a bread maker.

Yeah. I make really good bread. Like you make 3D renders? Is your bread going to come out looking like I just shit it? No, fuck face. If you just, if you walk into the kitchen and you just drink my yeast while it's leavening. Oh, God. That sounds disgusting.

That's essentially what you're doing with my beautiful works of art, my 3D art that you're judging before it's finished. Sean, you've had my bread. I make cinnamon, raisin bread. Sean, you've had my bread. I want you to tell the world, the audience that we're broadcasting to, the entire world, what you think of my bread?

It was good, but I was really hungry. Fuck you, Sean. Why do you have to qualify it? That's the Dick qualification. Fucking bullshit. I got shit on all over. Dick, I want to get to my last problem here. Okay.

My last problem. Are we comparing this episode to the top 10 comedy podcast? Yes, because I'm going to save it right here. Okay. All right. Biggest problem in the universe is horses. Yeah.

Horses. Horses are the biggest problem, Dick. Way bigger problem than sharks. Okay. You know what I hate, dick. Horses. You know what I love? Horse meat and glue.

Two of my favorite things. Horse meat and glue. glue. While animal-based glue has fallen out of style in the last 60 years or so, some companies still make animal-based glues, which is awesome for booksetters because it takes longer to set, which gives booksetters more time to work on their books. That's a fact. Yeah, they still use animal-based glues in a lot of books. Horses are stupid. That's a fact. I looked it up. There's a website called Quora, where people ask questions and get them answered. Someone asked, are dogs smarter than horses? And it's kind of like Yahoo answers, but the people who answer.

are supposedly experts. This is the... That's so exactly the same as Yahoo answers? Well, Yahoo answers, it lets anyone answer. Oh, okay. This has supposedly experts answering, right? Okay. The first sentence of the answer to the question,

Are dogs smarter than horses, says, dogs and horses have very different kinds of intelligence. Uh-huh. Already, that first sentence in and of itself is bullshit. The article goes on, horses never make the same mistake that dogs do they never think that you're another horse well that's good because I'd hate to be mistaken

for a big dumb animal with goofy teeth and giant dopey eyes on the side of my head like a fish horses are like landfish with giant legs and they shit everywhere there's your fucking that's they're worse than sharks they're like sharks of the land buddy you don't like sharks and vote up horses how many horse attacks have there ever been horses attack people all the fucking time just YouTube it

there's tons of horses kicking people and gnawing at people and naying. Stupid. Listen that stupid laugh. That's not a laugh. That's the sound they make. Sounds like they're laughing. They're not laughing at you.

Is that why you hate them? He feels really paranoid because one time he was at a farm and he thought a horse laughed at him. Yeah, he was pissing. And the horse came by. He's like, are you laughing at my dick? I fucking hate horses, man. Why? I'm getting to that.

Here's a fact. Did you know that the smell of horse manure is the number one reason people have a bad time at state fairs? Yeah. That's a fact. As if corn dogs and shitty fried food needed the aid of horse shit to taste awful. You don't like state fairs either? No, they're fine.

I just don't like the constant whiff of horse manure being shoveled into my nose. All right, city boy. Woffed it into my... Oh, oh, wow. Slick Dick Masterson. You don't just get used to it? That's what it smells like.

Yeah, you can get used to the smell of shit, dick. That's also called Not Showering. It's awful. Here's some more from Quora. That article says, Like elephants, horses display an almost obsessive love of learning. Yeah, that's how I would describe a horse. As displaying an obsessive love of learning.

Horses just love to read, those fucking animals. Those street sharks. You really value intelligence in animals, don't you? That was your, I think that was your big problem with dogs, too, that they're not smart enough. Dogs, people always say dogs are so smart. Well, if they're so fucking smart, why don't they build an oil platform? Yeah, because they're dogs. Yeah, exactly.

What if it was like Mr. Ed was a horse, where he could talk to you and be a human? Yeah. Then would you like horses? I would respect them a little bit more, but it depends on what they have to say. All libertarian agenda. Fuck that horse. Turn it into glue, man. I fucking love glue.

This is why... So the article goes on, this is why they're so amenable to human taming. We teach them what to do, and they love us for it. Yeah, way to interpret a horse's emotions, you fucking ape. As far as the horse is concerned,

by learning what to do, they gain the kind of control for their world that they can appreciate. Horses aren't terribly interested in why. The question why. If a horse displays curiosity, it is usually because he or she wants to know what will happen in a given situation and learn what he or she should do about it.

Yeah, because that's what horses are doing. They're sitting there observing other horses and other people and trying to decide. This is really anthropomorphic. No, let him do it. Let him do it. Anthropo-oh. I can't do it.

This is all getting cut. No, no, no, no, no. No. Sean, it's anthropomorphic. And what they're doing, it's also, it is also teleological, Dick. No, it's not. Yes, it is. It's just you bitching about horses not being smart enough.

It's like you're comparing them to a human for some weird reason. No, I'm not. This is the article, Dick. That's what they're saying. It's not an article, it's a Q&A on Quora. Well, whatever. He says, they convey their emotions to one another by moving in an emotive way so that any horse seeing it automatically experiences some of the same emotional state,

a condition akin to the one in one. which humans respond to in a song. Well, that sounds true and stupidly said. Well, there you go, Dick. I guess it fucking sounds true. Must be true. It's convinced. This Quora article comparing horses' intelligence to dogs

and elephants. Sounds convincing enough. Fine. Go ahead and fucking marry your fucking, your street fish, your street shark. Horses. Horses have done more for the human race than probably any other animal. Garbage. What have they done?

Well, they were cars for thousands of years Okay, horses are not cars, go on They were transportation Before cars We used them for transportation And by the way, Dick, I love riding horses, okay?

And you're a 14-year-old girl You get off your bicycle and jump on a horse Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So fucking tired of this Dick, I have some good news I've been railing about horses for a while now, but I have some good, good horse news, some actual good horse news. Okay.

Here it is. In 2011, 2011, President Barack Obama quietly signed into law a spending bill that restores horse slaughtering in America. Okay. The reason? Well, turns out that they banned horse slaughtering for meat in America, and the ban backfired because the horse slaughtering industry went to Canada and Mexico. This is from the Washington Times.

Yeah, without FDA oversight. So they just started slaughtering horses in Canada and Mexico without FDA oversight. And then sending that tainted meat oftentimes to the U.S., and people were getting sick from eating horse meat. The ban was in place in 2006 when the U.S. funded inspectors checking on horse butchering plants were simply defunded. Yeah. That essentially ended the industry. So Barack Obama in 2011 quietly signed into law allowing horsemen. slaughtering again. That's one of my favorite

things that he's ever done. The horse slaughtering bill. That's cool. And this from the Washington Times. A June report by the government accountability office, Congress's chief investigation branch, said that the ban depressed prices for horses in the U.S. and led to a surge in the reports of neglect or abuse as owners of

older horses had no way of disposing of them, short of selling them to foreign slaughtering facilities where U.S. humane slaughtering protections do not apply. So there you go. Did you know that the Mongols, in addition to riding their horses, when they ran low on supplies and water, would drink the horse's blood? Yeah. Yeah, how about that?

Pretty useful. Pretty useful. Pretty useful. Eating horses is definitely a solution, but horses by themselves, they have those beady fucking eyes that are always staring at you from the side of their head like a fucking fish. You know, what's the difference between a flounder? What's the difference between a guppy or a goldfish and a horse? Pretty much just legs. They're no fucking different.

They're both stupid animals. They just stand there with their stupid mouths open, a gape. So what are you like a cat guy? Because cats are more intelligent than that. Are you like a big into cats? I'm a parrot guy. Cats are okay. Because it'll just repeat whatever you say.

That makes sense. Yeah. Now that's a smart fucking bird. Birds are way smarter than horses. And by the way, I've never had to worry about stepping on bird shit. Yeah, birds'll shit on you sometimes. They'll shit over your car.

So old horses, you ever seen a horse diarrhea? Nope. Sprays fucking everywhere. There was a horse one time. Pony Express, you heard of that? Yeah. Where are they? Are they still in business, Dick? Yeah, they're called the USPS. But they're not delivering their mail by ponies, are they? No. No, they're not. Cars? Because cars are better than horses. You know what else is better than horses?

Humans. Technology. Horses are yesterday, man. Horses are the past. cars and rocket ships are the future Humans are the solution to the problem Humans are the final solution to horses I think you're going to get some pretty big downvotes on this one I don't think so man I believe in our fans They're very useful horses You can have a cowboy without a horse

I'm not denying their useful dick I'm saying they're annoying animals with their beady mouth their beady eyes and their big fucking buck teeth I don't think they're a big problem though They're a big problem All right Listen that stupid laugh. Not a laugh.

What do you think so funny, dickhead? What are you laughing at? What do you think smarter? You are an elephant. Stupid. Fucking dumb animals. What are you going to vote on this week? That's right.

Vote for yourself, you fucking dumb horse. Stupid. A horse. Why do you hate horses? Is it because girls like horses? No, man. Are you jealous? to do with girls. This has nothing to do with girls.

Oh. I just think they look stupid. They're greedy animals. They're greedy. And their hair, their mane. Oh, they think they're so pretty walking around. I don't think they think that. They think that. Oh, didn't you read that Quora article, Dick?

Was it written by a horse? Yeah. Sounds like it. Oh, that's what it was. It was written by a fucking horse. All right. You're clomping about. Crazy. Horses. Horses can't even walk around on our modern pavement without. horse shoes. Did you know that? Yeah?

They have to have horses shoes on. Otherwise their stupid hoofs get splintered, idiots. We got shoes. Dumb. Maybe you don't. Socrates, did he have shoes? Socrates? Yeah. I mean, he didn't always wear them.

Thanks, horse. That was a good joke. Anyway, Dick, my problems this week were French bread, which I would gladly eat as long as they had horse meat in between. And horses. My problems are sharks and hiccups. Ah, great, because you're afraid hiccups might never end. They might not.

Hey, this is President William Henry Harrison, and I have got to say, Maddox, you were the smartest motherfucker I know. Dick, how the fuck can you support the Washington Redskins nickname? Do you think I heedlessly slaughtered those savages at the Battle of Tippy Canoe to have them commemorated by this great nation's capital? Fuck that shit. And Maddox, I totally agree with your initiative of not wearing jackets. In fact, I'm planning to go jackalist during my inauguration because I'm a rugged son of a bitch.

Anyway, Dick, go fuck thyself. That's how he died. Good Joe. Good. Hey, white man, Dick Maddox, this is a president of Nigeria calling long distance. This is how I talk. There he is. I heard that Maddox is taking credit for a ban on female mutilation.

Is it true? Before today, I haven't laid eyes on this podcast. So I do not want you to say it's because of you, but I thank you for spreading the good word. Also, Dick. That's right. The president of Nigeria called in to confirm that I, yours truly, your magnanimous host, ended female genital mutilation in Africa. Nigeria. Smart. I got one for Sean. Hello, this is Dr. Richard Handler from the California State Genitalia Competition Association.

I'm calling for Sean the audio engineer. I just wanted to inform him that the judging has been completed and won several awards last week at the 2015 California State Pienist Contest and Chili Cookoff. And Mr. Sean, the Audio Engineer, you can stop by our LA office any time this week to collect the ribbons for the following awards. First prize you won. This would be several awards. The first being largest pheel circumference. congratulations there.

Also, you took home first prize for Best Smell. So again, congratulations. We'll move on now. You also took home second prize in the best tattoo category. And I must say,

I really enjoyed your depiction of Urkel writing Snuffelophagus, so it was very, very creative, and I enjoy that very much. You also won third prize here for sharpest angle. And I've got to tell you, that 78 degree bend you have going on there,

Probably would have won first prize, almost any other year. I can fuck around corners. But unfortunately, those are the breaks. Oh, I'm sorry, I missed one, actually. You also won first prize for most unique a taste. And then finally, you did win overall best in show. So congratulations, please stop by off. Best in show.

I'd also like to just address something to Dick and Maddox here, because here's the thing, guys. If you want to enter the contest, do you need to actually show up? Just sending me picture after picture of your erect penises isn't going to cut it. Oh, I thought that would do it. You mean we have to arrive? Arrive? Is that a horse joke?

Did you mean come? Yeah, that's what that means. Oh. All right. Awesome. I'll find one more here. Horses thrown off my game, all these fucking horse nays. Yeah, you really hate horses, dude.

I don't know why. I told you, they got the big. stupid goofy mouth, the stupid eyes on the side of their head like a fish. They look stupid, though. They look like big cows with turkey legs, and then they have a stupid fish head. Okay, so they're just on their looks? Their looks, their arrogance. Oh, they're arrogance.

They're vanity. That's where you lose me. Their horses are very arrogant creatures. Oh, they think they're so pretty. Oh, they, oh, fucking horse made. All right. Yo, Maddox, you fucking bitch. How dare you fucking.

say smash is just a casual game. It is. It's the most casual. Like, you're officially confirmed for troll status now. Okay. Because, I mean, it's obvious to anyone who's even remotely dissented smash others. It's actually ridiculous and deep and complex

fighting game. But I thought you would know about that sort of thing. But apparently you're just a whiny little vagina. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to be really honest with yourself about what you are. Um, you know, I hate to say it like that. Not really, I actually love to say it like that.

Anyway, go fuck yourself. Yeah, it sounds like you really hate it and say it. Oh, fuck. Yeah, keep you real. Does this voicemail ever end like the Smash Bros. series? Can that series just fucking end? And let me go on the record to state this dick. I don't want, I don't want my words to be misconstrued.

Let me be completely clear that Smash Brothers is a garbage, casual game or garbage casual players. Yeah. It is the most casual of fighting games. Okay. There's two buttons in the game, and they both do the same thing. Well, they both do random things

every time you push it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you jump, sometimes you kick, sometimes you shoot rockets. Nobody knows. Press a button is Smash Brothers. Nobody knows what it's going to do.

Yeah. It's like fighting roulette. Oh, 36 moves. They're proud of 36 moves. You know what? I will show you. I will show you the move list. I'll play Street Fighter 5 and enable the moves on screen so it shows the inputs.

I will guarantee in three seconds I'll put in over 36 inputs. If you guys think that that's what defines a good fighting game, I do that regularly, buddy. I did more than 36 inputs while I was saying that last sentence on my fucking keyboard over here. Sounds like a good night. 36 inputs? Then I'm done. You're done after two, buddy. Why would you want to know that or be happy about it?

That's one of the comments hit in our bonus episode by this week's bonus episode, this month's bonus episode. I go one more if you want. Hey, Mad Cox. This is Chuck from Fairfax, Virginia. I guess that you're the ultimate paternalist. It comes through loud and clear in all of your writing and your podcast. You think you know better than everyone else.

That's true, right? Yeah. And part of that stem is from your utter conviction that everyone else is a moron. also acceptable. Now what confuses me is your support for paternalistic statism. What I mean is the government thinking that they know better than everyone else. It's so confusing to me because if you think everyone else is a dumbass, why would you trust them to enact laws that controls your life and the lives of everyone else?

I do want to know that about it. Paternalism and statism should be antithetical to what you believe. And yet time and time again, like with the smoking in the most recent, an episode, you support status paternalistic laws. All right, so go ahead. Why is that? Flawed reasoning, flawed caller. So he assumes something about me, which is that I think everyone else is a dumb ass. That's not true.

There are varying degrees of stupidity. There are varying degrees of intelligence. And I just happen to be at the top of that list. But here's the thing. People who are dumb fall under a spectrum. It's not an absolute. I'm not an absolutist in most regards. Right. So when it comes to

Statism or paternalism, I'm going to be sure what he was talking about there. I know that you're not sure what he's talking about. Why? Because it's very clear. What's clear, Dick? Which part? That you're paternalistic or that you want the government to control everyone's life? Well, that I'm paternalistic. Yeah, because you tell everybody what they're doing wrong on how they should live.

No, I don't. I don't tell. I don't tell. I'll sometimes correct people. I will sometimes do that. You see the way you're wagging your pen at us? like a dad, that's where it comes from. That's why we're under the mistaken impression that you're paternalistic.

Dick, you're a mistake in that sentence and that observation to me. Here it comes. I don't even think you can say this without shaking your finger at us. Is that I'm shaking my pen. Try your finger. Just go all the way.

I do my finger all the fucking time, Dick. I wag my finger all the time. But here's the thing, I'm using this pen here because I'm shaking it not like a father but like a wizard. Put that in your hat and smoke it. Idiots. Everyone's an idiot except for me.