The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 62

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS with over 3.5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy. And Sean are audio engineer. Hello. Perfect, man. Do you know what they do in radio?

I learned this on radio. They are trained to like read out with the music until the vocals start with the music. Like the announcer should stop talking when the vocals. of the song kick in. Oh yeah, it's a real talent. And you have it naturally. Oh, thanks, man. I actually learned from one of the best, uh, the one of the best in the business is Mike O'Meara. I've listened to the Don and Mike Show forever. And now it's just the Mike O'Mara show. Uh, one of my favorite broadcasters of all time. He is a natural. He is a pro and I've learned from him. I've listened to him for years and years. Uh, but before we go on, Dick, I need to

mention we have a very special guest with us today, Robin Higgins. Hello. Welcome to the show, Robin. So Robin Higgins is a comedian. Hello, Robin Higgins. Already, already, Dick. Already. Skizing out our guests. This has got to be a record. 30 seconds into the episode. Robin is a comedian and writer living in L.A.

She's the founder of the Higgs Weldon comedy website. It's a literary comedy website and has written a play about the sex lives of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. That's true. I played Deanna Troy. Oh, she. Oh, mama. Man, those are two hot chicks on that show. Like, looking back on it, absolutely nothing.

Not even movement down there, but watching it as a kid, I was like, oh, my God, look at this. We got a fiery redhead over here. And this one that could read your mind, I'm thinking dirty stuff for you, baby. Oh, who was in the play? Who was the most amorous in the play? Riker. Riker. Of course, Riker.

And then we had Niana bitching that he was having too many gross thoughts. etc. Oh, that's right. She's a mind reader. Oh, that's trouble. If you're ever banging in a mind reader, because like if another person pops into your mind or porn that you've watched or something. She's going to be like, why are you always thinking about bags of sand when you're in bed with me?

Dick? Okay, tell us about the play. I want to hear more about this play. What is, what's the, what made you think of it? What is it about? It's about, you know, I mean, the Star Trek universe, great universe. But they never, the way they address sex is so bizarre, right? Like, they'll have, like, five seasons,

and then you'll give Picard, like, looking, giving one glance, and then it's over. And that's all you get about their entire sex lives. So I wrote at a play. And you know he's banging. Oh, yeah. I mean, they can't tell you. He was, like, bangs this one archaeologist chick.

And then, like, almost bangs crusher a bunch of times. And then they eventually just talk about how he's super guilty because he was the indirect cause of her husband's death. Also, fun fact for you guys, in my real life, first person I ever jerked it to, Wesley Crusher. The boy? Will Wheaton? The child? Oh, no. Will Wheaton? First of all, that is surprising on so many levels.

With the rainbow lapel? Oh, yeah. Will ween. I was really doing it for me. Oh, my God. Are you kidding? So do you still crush on Will Wheaton today? I mean, it's impossible not to you, right? Oh, well, it's very possible, Robin. It's very possible. You're looking at a room full of people who've never jerked it to Wesley Crusher.

Dick, have you? Absolutely not. No, I was thinking that my first jerk was probably to one of the American gladiators. You're bringing back a lot of memories. Either Elektra or Diamond, I think. Mine was a video game character. Luigi?

No, no, Dick Head. Oh. Not Luigi. It's this girl named... Map land? No, it's a girl named Mary from a video game called Quartet on the Second Master's...

Oh my God. You know, those are just as bad as mine. Yeah, she had a jet pack, and I thought, you know, I, whatever. What did you think? What was happening with a jet pack? You know, I just thought, you know, we'd go off and, you know. She'd take you up on her jet pack? Like, she was Superman and you were Lois Lane?

Yeah, so, I mean, I had my own jet pack, too. I didn't need her jet pack. Yeah, we just, like, kind of flew off and fought aliens together and, like, made it, like, made out pretty hard. You know? Yeah. You knew this was going to make a hard left into weird, huh? Did. Okay, let's move on.

That's enough of that. Okay, so your play, how dirty is your play? It's... Like, are people having full, hardcore sex on the stage? Well, no, because we did our orgy scene on video. That's real. The theme of the play is that Beverly is dating all of the Borg. Oh, okay.

All of the Borg. Yeah. Well, they're a hive mind. Right. The Borg. So you have to date them all. Would that be a Borg bang? Yeah.

A gang Borg? Game Borg. A Borg? A Borgie. Oh, I like that one the best. You nailed it, that's it. I don't think I can improve that. Are there sci-fi puns in your play?

There's a lot of sci-fi puns. Do you know any off the top of your head? No, I forgot all those lines. Oh, damn. Months ago. There's got to be a phaser one in there. Yeah. Okay.

Set your phasers on premature. Please don't do that. That's how I knew it. It sucks to be you. Yeah. Is that a hollow dick you got in your? That's pretty good. All right, guys, let's move on.

So, Robin, as you're familiar with the show, we vote on the problems that we debate every week to see which problem deserves to be on the big list of problems, the biggest list of problems in the universe, right? Last week we discussed the number one problem from last week was wage theft. Oh, yes. Followed by...

Beamed me up, Scotty. Followed by people texting in public walkways, my afterthought of a problem, everybody agreed with. And then Stoner Marketing. all of them in the positive territory. Oh, it's a win then. Everybody wins. Everybody wins if they're all in the positive, right?

Dick, no. Do I understand the show yet? No, you still don't. No. No. I got a comment from Nick Jay. He says, my favorite part of the show is when Maddox spends a good 10 to 15 minutes

explaining his problem using stats, examples, and research. With Dick's only response being, so what's the problem? Yeah, well, fuck it, man. I got a comment here from Terrence Williams. This is a quote. This is a quote from me from the last episode.

I'm only playing this song because Jack Horner died. He says, you mean James Horner, Dick. Way to disrespect the dead. Get raped. And he's absolutely right. So I do want to say that I meant James Horner. And to make up for it, I'm going to replay the tribute. Damn it.

This is I didn't win. You know, a small part of me. hoped it was something different. Something different in so far as like anything. Yeah. No, but you have to get a man's tribute, right. This is the first CD I ever bought from Ross Dress for Less.

Of course it's in Ross Dress for Less. Yeah. It's a terrible CD. It's this song and then 18 tracks of boat noises. Was it this version, too, by Grant Mooney? No. This piece of shit song I've heard. What did you think of this movie?

I saw it three times in theaters. I was like a 12-year-old girl. Let's give me some credit. You're going to see 30 more seconds of it tonight. Okay, there's this ongoing bid that's awful and not funny and fucking terrible, and it hurts me. It hurts me personally every time Titanic is played anywhere. This is a tribute, though. Don't talk like this about the man's music.

This is a guy who died. This is a tribute to James Horner. I shit. James Horner. I made an off comment about Nintendo's president dying last episode. Of course I'm going to shit on James Horner. You want to hear a voicemail about that off comment you made? Let's hear it.

Okay, I just called, and I was really pissed off. So I kind of fucked up on my voicemail. I'm going to try it again. Just started again, then. Fuck you, man. You made a comment about the Nintendo CEO dying, and that was really fucked up, considering how soon he died,

but that's not even the point. Dude was a great developer, you know, a great programmer, ported a lot of games over, and was a gamer at heart. If you even respect, you know, what he was about, back. You wouldn't have been such an asshole

and making such a comparison and making fun of his death like that. Like, if you're a programmer, then you should know how rare good programmers are. I mean, yes, there are a lot of good programmers to an extent. There's one in this room. Dude was good enough to become

CEO of Nintendo. Like, you know, I don't even have to fucking explain myself. Like, fuck you. Like, serious. Wait, wait, so the end of that voicemail was, like, I don't even have to explain myself, Like, fuck you, seriously.

Yeah, fuck you, man. That was his argument. So, he said. It's a good argument. So many butt-hurt fan boys. And you know what? They were butt-hurt not about my comment about the president of Nintendo passing,

but Smash Brothers. Because I said... Oh, stop. We have a guest. We're not getting into Smash Bros. shit this week. All I said was that he died of shame at releasing Smash Brothers. Oh, God.

I didn't make fun of the president of Nintendo dying, you fucking idiots. I love Nintendo. I'm a big Nintendo fan. Thank God for Nintendo. I'll go on the record defending Nintendo to my grave. I love that company. Yeah, it was your first jerk-off memory, apparently.

It was Nintendo something. It was Sega. It was a System 16 game. What about Mario Paint? Oh, yeah, actually. So the first time I ever drew porn was to Mario Paint because I didn't have porn.

I grew up in Utah, and the first time I ever started jerking it, you know, well, actually, the first time I jerked it wasn't to any thought. It was just kind of like experimentated. Like, what is this thing that's happening? But then I didn't have porn, and I drew my own in Mario Paint. Yeah. Okay.

Moving on. You got anything else? Yeah, I got one more comment. What was the porn of? It was so it was this girl on all fours like doggy style, right? And then she was like, oh, you know. And I wanted to use, I got tired of drawing because everything I had to draw manually. And it looked kind of like an MS paint drawing.

And then I got tired of drawing And I wanted me in there On top of her So I just like used the default Mario stamp Of him like writing Yoshi And like erased Yoshi So it looked like he was behind the chick And I pretended that was me

And you wanted you to be in the porn Yeah You would jerk off to porn of yourself I prefer Like Patrick Bateman An American Psycho Looking at himself in the mirror While he's having sex with himself

Okay no joke People go through phases In their porn habits And things like that The last phase I was on is I was only into porn where the guy looked like me. And is that weird? Why is everyone? That is way weird.

Why? That's got to be weird, man. It's like, you don't even have to think. It's like, there I am. Well, first of all, how much looking at the guy are you doing in a porn? Well, you know. Just enough to check that he looks like you and then you're on to yourself? You get a glance.

You know, like, all right, that's me. Do they, do you, does jib-jab need to open a porn site for guys like you? Or you upload a picture? And then they just put it like Terrence and Phillips style all over the guy. I can tell you right now there's five bucks in their bank if they have that. I got a comment from Chris Griffith. He says, I'm surprised that Maddox didn't talk about Ben Curtis. The dude, you're getting a Dell guy.

Remember that kid? Yeah. So I talked about stoner marketing last time, and he was like kind of a classic stoner icon for the Dell company. For a long time, he's like, dude, you're getting a Dell. So he was that kind of like stoner character. And then he literally got fired for trying to buy. a bag of marijuana. Oh, it's a shame. That's a, that's a perfect example of what I was talking about

last time. Yeah, anyway, it's a shame. All right. Should we, should we get this boat? I got, well, I got, I got one thing. This is, this was sent in by an, by an employment attorney. I'll read some of it. So this guy's basically saying, Tyler, Tyler Fregeberger, that he does most of his work against small and medium-sized companies, which I thought was interesting. He says he exclusively sues employers for some of the practices that you mention on the show regarding wage theft, denying breaks, retaliation, denying proper payment as well as workplace discrimination. While I have filed against some big corporations, most of them have legal teams telling them not to do to follow the laws because they don't want to deal with the shit. The biggest violators of employment laws are small companies, 10 to 30 employees, which I thought was interesting. It kind of pokes a hole in that big corporations are ruining people's lives when, in fact, this guy's.

saying it's the small corporation, the mom and pop shops that are just like screwing people over. I can see that. I can see that, yeah. The bigger corporations probably play a little bit more by the rules. They also define the rules by horrible lobbying.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. There you go. All right. I do have, actually, I'll save this. Do we want to get, let's get started on some problems. Okay. My first problem this week is trans fats.

Oh. Trans fats. Like Chas Bono? We'll give you accuracy points. We talked about this at the top of the show. I thought we all got it out of our system. No, no. Okay, no.

No. No, dickhead. What are you talking about? Fucking asshole. No, trans fats, Dick. You know, the nasty fats that you're not supposed to eat. The thing you see on labels, food labels everywhere, no trans fats. Oh, I'll tell you this.

I know what they are. I mean, I know the word. I have no fucking idea what they are. Well, I'm going to get into that. But first of all, Robin, do you know what the leading cause of death in the world is? I bet you do. In the world? Yeah.

This is. Let everybody guess before you give the answer to the way. What do you think? I'll guess first. Yeah. It's getting hit by a bicycle. Wrong. Fucking wrong.

You fucking. Idiot. No. Okay, Robin, you go. Oh, man. Okay, yeah, I got to say something because I really want to get right, but I can't just sit here for 20 minutes. It's probably people flicking their bean to death looking at Will we. Will we know.

Looking at Star Trek reruns. Ambulances are getting dispatched all over when Channel 9 play Star Trek reruns. I mean, I'm on 14 plus years and I'm doing it. Okay. I would say, I don't know, car crash. Right. I know. John, do you care to guess?

I'll go heart disease. Right. Correct. Coronary heart disease. 611,000 people die every year from coronary heart disease. Number one killer. Number one, more than diabetes, Alzheimer's, accidents, suicide, and lower respiratory disease combined. All those combined don't even compare.

Hmm. Wow. To coronary heart disease. And that's worldwide. Yeah. Wow. Okay. And trans fat intake has been shown to consistently be associated with heart disease.

And this isn't one of those things where, well, it correlates, but it doesn't cause it, blah, blah, blah. Like using your cell phone causes brain cancer, one of those things? Yeah, it's not one of those things. There's a lot of research to show that trans fats has been shown to increase coronary heart disease. Do you know what a trans fat is? I don't want to just skip around your problem, but that might help. Yeah, so trans fats came from... Because I know what is a cholesterol, but I don't know where it is a trans fats.

Oh, you know what a cholesterol is. Yeah. Okay. This is from CNN, the history of trans fats. So back in 1912, there's a guy named Paul Sabatier, I think, is his name. He won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for discovering this hydrogen, excuse me, the hydrogenation method so that nickel could be used as a catalyst to create a chemical reaction between hydrogen and other compounds creating partially hydrogenated oils.

So basically what they were trying to do is find a way to make oil and butter in kind of like a solid form so that they could transport it more easily and more cheaply. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, so because there's a lot of logistical problems with trying to keep butter fresh. Well, that's like Napoleon invented margarine to supply his troops with a butter alternative. Is that true?

That's what they said on Mad Men. That's where I learned that. Oh, well, it's got to be true if it was on Mad Men. They do better research than me. Yeah, well, yeah, so does a preschooler. There's a guy named Doe. Wilhelm Norman. He discovered a process for hardening fat

and was awarded a patent for converting liquid oils into a thicker, firmer substance through the process of hydrogenation. They made the solid for commercial reasons because it was less likely to spoil and cheaper to produce and transport, what I just said. Crisco was the first consumer product introduced to the market by Procter & Gamble that

included a trans fat. A government ration in 1943 put a freeze on butter sales to help the war effort resulting in a boost for margarine containing trans fat. I don't know if they're talking about that... I don't know if Napoleon actually invented margarine. I'm pretty sure he did. I heard it somewhere. Okay.

Well, the American Heart Association encouraged people to limit trans fats in 1957, which led to the advocacy groups in 1984 to get fast food companies to replace saturated fat with partially hydrogenated oils containing trans fat. So this trans fat is something that comes about as a byproduct of this process of turning liquid oils into solid oils. And they use nickel to do that, the metal nickel. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Robin, can I ask you something?

Sure. What do you eat? Like, what's your... Do you... In my life? Yeah. Today I had a delicious sandwich that had avocado. Was it organic?

It all came from Gelson's because... That's a pretty fancy store. Gelsons is a fancy supermarket. It's a fancy supermarket. I'd begrudgingly go to Gelsons now because it's one block from my new house. People will carry little dogs into Gelsons. Well, that's just everywhere in California now. Oh, it's the worst.

So the reason I ask is because I know everybody hates, like, the organic movement, and everybody flips out saying, like, oh, organic doesn't mean anything. I know that it doesn't and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I feel like putting some time into figuring out what food you're putting into your body, vis-a-vis at least starting with organic, like shopping somewhere fancy, like Gelson's or Whole Foods, which I know I hate every single word on the wall of Whole Foods and how they tell you what farm the green beans came from. Like they got a picture of some dopey Mexican farmer like, hey, these green beans came from me.

Like, I personally hugged all these green beans. Yeah, but you don't know that stuff, then how can you feel better than everybody else? Well, what I'm saying, yeah. Whoops. I meant this one. Yeah. Yes. And the only reason I bring it up is because, look, I just, I hope that they're not, that this trans fats are found in, like, shit food.

And that I'm paying a little bit more and whatever, buying into this marketing hype and not encountering these stupid trans fats that are going to give me a heart attack. I have some boring chemistry knowledge I could throw at you guys about the word of trans fats. Whoa. Yes, let's hear it. Yeah. Well, it's referring to the orientation of a bond within the fat, and it's a double bond. Oh, a double bond. That's right. Much stronger than a single bond. Uh-huh. D.B.

So you can have kind of a U if it's a cis, and both little things are sticking off of the same side. What little things? What little things would be sticking out? Whatever the carbon is bonded to. Okay. Or you can have trans where one's pointing up and one pointing down. and that one is allowed, it stacks easier. So it doesn't, what I understood in doing my research, Robin, is that these trans fats are harder for your body to absorb, and so they thought it was healthier, and so like it would, it would

flush through your system, and what they found is it doesn't, the opposite happens, it just stays inside, yeah, it stays inside your system forever and can clog your arteries and all sorts of, cause all sorts of nasty stuff. Is that? Well, that would be too biological for me to know. I can just tell you what the chemical looks like. Why do you know so much about chemicals? Are you like cooking math on the side or what's going on? You have a chemistry background, right? Yeah.

You're a chemist. I was. I quit. To do this. Okay. To tell dick jokes. You're a chemist and you like Star Trek the next generation and you're telling Dick's joke.

What's going on? What's your dad like? Robin, this is a trap. Do not answer. My dad is so honorable. I can, this is a bulletproof argument. My dad is an honorable. Me too.

Me too. I'm not a public defender who spent his life defending those who can't afford lawyers. Oh, wow. That is honorable. That's unfortunate. Does you have a lot of good stories about that? Oh, yeah, they're horrible.

Like, because of the people? The whole thing, it's terrible. When you just go into the background of every murderer, it's just so sad. Oh, my God. Yeah. Murderers. Yeah, so on that note,

guys, in an interesting guest. Yeah, no, really. interesting guess. That's what this show brings you is interesting guests. Not like Mark Merrin, Obama. We all know what he says, all right? He's written so many books. He literally can't say anything without someone writing about it.

Yeah. Give me a break. Marin. Yeah. Try getting Robin on your show, Bozo. Die your beard. Get some rogue game just for beards. You prick. And get a real studio. Your garage. Multi-millionaire, number one on

iTunes. He's in a garage. me a fucking break. Keeping a real man. Have we... What? What... WTF stands for Where's the Furniture?

Oh! Have we inadvertently turned Mark Maren into the show's nemesis, the shows our tribal? Yeah. I don't even have a beef with the guy. I've never even... I've heard a couple episodes of the show.

Give me a couple episodes. I'll give you beef with the guy. I'll find something. The American Heart Association encouraged people to limit trans fats in 1957, right? So the 90s showed an increased an increased risk of coronary heart disease associated with the intake of trans fats. And around this time, American trans fat intake was 4 to 7% of the calories from fat.

So in 2004, it wasn't until 2004 that Denmark made it illegal for any foods containing more than 2% trans fats. The World Health Organization called for eliminating trans fats globally from the food supply. So it wasn't until then. Then in 2006, the FDA finally ruled labeling for trans fats on foods. foods can still contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fats per serving and checking for partially hydrogenated oils in the ingredients can show this. So even though foods say they don't have partially hydrogenated oils,

they still can have some trace amounts in it. And there's this big push right now. Everybody wants their food along with a little narrative. They want their food with a fortune cookie that tells them that their food was massaged from the cleanest organic hands and this farmer's upright and its fair trade and it's organic. It's raised, you know, from the, it's massage from the teat of Mother Nature. Everybody wants that narrative.

Now, even donut companies are jumping on board with us. Did you know that if you buy donuts right now from Winchell's on their box, they have that little thing where it doesn't say non-fat or it doesn't say organic. It says, no trans fats. Hey, that's a good thing, right? It says that literally, hey, that's a good thing, right? That would be a hell of a box if it said that. Also, I think the teat of Mother Nature, would that be a volcano? Yep.

Yeah, correct. So I just want to end on this note because we were running out of time here. But the Harvard School of Public Health in 1993, a Harvard study strongly supported the hypothesis that the intake of partially hydrogenated vegetable oils contributed to the risk of having a heart attack. And this is the study that actually kind of blew the lid off of this, the danger of this thing. It also promotes inflammation and overactivity of the immune system and has been implicated in heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and other chronic conditions. Eating trans fats also reduces the normal healthy responsiveness of the endothelial cells,

the cells that line all of our blood vessels. In animal studies, eating trans fats also promotes obesity and resistance to insulin, the precursor to diabetes. And I'll just say this. It's like a poison. It's terrible stuff. The Department of Nutrition indicates that eliminated trans fats, from the U.S. food supply could prevent up to

one in five heart attacks and related deaths. 20% of heart attacks and related deaths can be reduced simply by eliminating trans-fax. We just stop eating this. What is it in mostly? What's the biggest offender? I would guess like chips, ruffles, snack foods.

Yeah, it used to be in a lot of snack foods. Crisco, Chriso was a big offender for a long time. Because anytime you have that solid oil, because that process of making it solid, so it can be transported and not have to be refrigerated is what introduces trans fats into it. So you gotta use K-Y. I mean, you can't use Crisco.

Okay. Well, that's my problem, Dick. Good job. Robin, thank you for joining us this week. You have our second problem today. Yes, I do. Do you guys mind if I just pause this one second to remind you that today's show is brought to you by Harries?

Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Oh my God, I'm still using my Harry's Razor. you. Yeah, still. I'm so glad that you're here, Robin, because I can ask you, what is it like, what, like, what, have you ever used a finely crafted razor? Because if you got a lot, you got more surface area than us with our precious faces. Right. But we have no idea what the woman's perspective is on razors.

Whenever I step into a girl's shower, shit disposable razor. Garbage. They never are spending money on their razors. I, semi fall into that. I just have one, uh, I don't, I just got it, like, five years ago. Five years ago. Not the razor itself, the apparatus. So I'm an upgrade from that, but no.

Well, Harry's has a starter kit that's only $15. For women? It's a razor. They don't care who buys it. You know? You, man, Chas Bono, doesn't matter. The starter kit's just $15. That includes a razor.

Three blades and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. Make the smart switch to Harry's. High-quality German engineered blades. Half the price of big-name drugstores for shipping straight to your door. Yeah. Robin, I don't recommend you buy Harries unless you like quality blades

and quality products. That's the only time I recommend Harries to people. Would you get, would you use a Harries if we... Yeah. If we got you one? I'm on my last razor right now. You can guess you say me $30.

That's how much a stupid Pat cost. $30? Yeah. You get $5 off with our discount go. I do have somebody sent in a... This guy, Sean, named similarly, sent in an email. Hey Dick, I imagine someone. Oh no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, yeah. So this guy, Sean. I got the right email. Love the show you guys put on every week. Proud supporter of the show. I got my girlfriend and I some

Harry's Razors and they work phenomenally. Here's the best part. She is Spanish slash Italian. Oh. And they still last her weeks. That's a little. There might be some embellishing going on there. You don't think she's both? She's one or the other? No, I think that it's. Yeah, weeks. Oh, Probably type of maybe week. Yeah. Okay. Atreys.com, biggest problem and save $5.

Biggest problem. And thanks for supporting the show, guys. It really makes a difference. Thanks for tweeting these at Harry's and copying us on those. Robin, our problem this week, our guest problem, what do you have? I'm ringing to you guys people that don't value science. Yeah, bravo. That's a huge problem.

People that don't value science. That's right. And it's carefully worded. It's not people that don't understand science, because science is, you know, specific to certain personality types and requires a bunch of time and, you know, effort spent. But it's free and easy and doesn't take any of your time to value science. Yet, a lot of people do not. I have a quote from an article published in the Atlantic that said, 79% of Americans believe science has, quote, made life easier for most people.

Which sounds good. Most people? Until you realize that 21% of Americans don't believe science has. has made life easier. I'm sorry, read that again? 79% of Americans believe science has made life easier for most people. Okay, next part. Sounds pretty good, yeah.

Which means 21% don't believe that science has improved human life. Yeah. 21% of people think that science has not improved human life? Yeah, so one out of five people is just like, eh. Were cows part of this study? I assume not. Bovines? I don't think a cow could take any test.

It couldn't even press a little key. You know what tell us? Science. That would tell us. And I think that that's crazy, because here are some hits of science I thought of. One out of five. That means if you're, what if you're looking, if you're looking to your left and your right and in front of you and behind you, you think that science hurts the human race, right? One of those people thinks that science is a hindrance.

Exactly. This fucking world. When you're walking around through a crowd, look around, one of those people think science is bad for us. Science is such a general term. So here's a list of things that science has helped us with. They brought us cars. Yep. Electricity.

Breast implants. Oh, love them. Oh, well. Gummy sharks? I'm going to have to disagree on breast implants. That's two that you're going to disagree on because she also said gummy sharks. Did you hear that? I like gummy sharks.

I thought you didn't like sharks. I don't like sharks. I get off when I'm pretending to eat them in the gummies. Fair enough. Automatic staplers. Okay. Regular staplers. Save seconds at a time.

and the entire field of medicine. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there you go. If you use any one of those things, then you should appreciate science. Exactly. Or value it on some level. Not just think that it sucks or as boring or as two people pouring chemicals together, end of sentence.

Robert, I love that you're so sweet that you don't want to condescend our listeners. And you qualified this problem when you brought it in and saying, I don't want to say that people don't understand science. You know what? I'm going to go one step further and say, yeah. Fuck you. You don't understand science if you don't appreciate it. There's no other reason.

What other reason would people not appreciate science? Because they think it's boring. Oh, wow. These fucking dullards, you know what? If you had a Venn diagram of the people who think science is boring and who think that math isn't important 100% intersection. Yes, because you've got to learn at least some math to get you to some science classes. So yeah, so I basically, I just think that it's crazy that you don't appreciate it because another thing that science has brought you is the awesome. of America.

And Ronald Reagan. We talked about this in the bonus episode. I'm sorry, go ahead. America. Yeah, we won World War II because of science. Yeah. And we... All right.

Oh, what? What is the... One World War II because of science? How do you please expand on that? So I would say that it comes down to the bomb is a big important part of World War II, which is not true. I would say it's not...

There is an ongoing debate on this show about this. I love Touched to Mindfield. No, yeah. There is no debate. It's just Dick has some conspiracy, dipshit idea.

It's not a dipshit idea. He thinks that the bomb did not end World War II. No, we were doing it to show off. I'll hit you back with code breaking because that wasn't us. We weren't the best people at that, but that was still science, flesh math. And that was the other.

Those two, that's the end. And so we got those on lock. And we were able to make the Cold War basically nothing because of science. How do that? You know, space and shit. Space and shit. Agreed. Hey, you're your homeboy Ronald Reagan.

His Star Wars Missile Defense System, that's what ended the Cold War. Remember that? All those fucking lasers and shit we put up in space that wasn't totally propaganda, that thing? That was PR, though. That wasn't science. Yeah, propaganda. And, you know, the Internet. The Internet's great.

Brought to you by science. So, actually, let me ask you something. I feel like science means, after knowing about this play that you put on, that's based in the Star Trek world, but it's all so sexy. I feel like this problem means more to you than you're letting on. That people don't value science? Yeah. And knowing you have a chemistry background?

Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's really terrible. I mean, people just should give a shit about it. It's kind of sad that, like, you can just kind of say, like, I don't know. I'm not, I don't really care about that stuff. And it's like, if you look around, look at wherever you are right now, look at everything

around you. Science brought you all of it. Every single item, every single thing that you do, besides fuck, science was, it's the only thing that adds to humanity from generation to generation. Like, we haven't gotten better behaved. We haven't, like, turned into better types of animals. We've just made things better for ourselves through scientific discovery. Like, we murder less people because science lets us eat and have a warm place so we don't have to murder people constantly. It's just such a real, and people just don't give a shit about it.

and, you know, to get on my extra level of soapbox, it really does affect everything, if you care about it or not, because of funding. And people just don't give a shit about cutting basic research funding. And when you do that, it's like everything's on an 80-year delay. Like people that were doing really groundbreaking work on, like, quantum mechanics, 80 to 100 years ago, are the reason we have the internet and cell phones now. And we were really well-funded then.

And we're not. And all the universities now totally. believe, man, I'm getting a really soapboxy. No, that's what this show is about. We want to hear this. Yeah, no, I really do care about it. And so we're, if people gave a shit about science. Do you know how many guys right now? You're there Will Wheaton

right now halfway through that. You're like, you're like 50,000 guys will Wheaton. You're there, Deep Space Nine. But if people cared about it and thought that it was interesting, it would be like in the zeitgeist and people, it would just force politicians to fund it or take it more seriously. And like, it just literally

gets ignored. Like the internet fucking happened in our lives and people don't give a shit where it came from or who broke their back discovering math and science to get us the internet. They're just like straight up where are those dog picks though. And it's so that's really baffling that there's such a lack of any caring or like acknowledgement.

And these pig fuckers have the audacity to get on Twitter and say here's another day I went by without using algebra. Hey dipshit. Everything you're using to communicate that dipshit. message you just said uses mathematics that you can't even fucking comprehend, you moron. Good. Don't use math,

don't use science, eat rocks, and die. That's what's going to happen. You're basically just a monkey. You're aggressing our species back into primates. That's what's happening. Yeah, it's a second dark age, you might say. But Robin, I do have to take issue with something you said. Yeah, say it. The sex thing, right?

Because you said science doesn't improve sex. And if syphilis was still around, sex would be a big fucking problem. Oh, yeah. That's true. Now you're talking. That's true. That's true. That's true.

Cipillus, clemenia, get them shits out of here. You got to solve that problem pretty quick, yeah. Okay, let's the issue. But Robin,

so I'm a huge proponent of science and technology and mathematics. And I come from that world in that universe. You thought you had a soapbox,

you can't even see his soapbox. I'm gonna kick yours out from under you. So, I thought about this. I meditated on science and how much it means.

Okay. I'm sorry. The word meditation. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, You're right. That was dushy. That was really duchy. You said I meditated on science.

Because I was talking to this point extra online one time who was arguing. Okay, he saved it. Yeah. And he used that phrase. He called his writing soliloquies and he called him meditations on certain things. And I just realized I sounded like that duchbag. So I take back that word. In fact, I may edit that.

So embarrassed. Isn't that more adjacent to meditation? Oh, fuck you, Sean. Okay, so I thought about science and its impact to science and technology and its impact to society, right? But there is one other really important thing, I think, and that's art. And science is distinctly not art. Dick, you just rolled your eyes, but what we are creating in the show, what everything that we do, right, to advance our technology, awesome. We're more efficient. We're more productive. We have more things. We are less violent, et cetera, et cetera. but what do we do with our spare time?

Well, go see movies. Totally. Go to museums. Totally. Go do artistic things and listen to podcasts and watch people kick ass at Contra Hardcore on Twitch. Like just things like that. Oh, yeah. The ultimate.

Wait, what are you saying, though? Why'd you bring that up? Because art is distinctly different from science. And I don't want to completely dismiss artistic endeavors because I think that's also an important component of society. Oh, okay. I think they're getting plenty of attention. Artists? Yeah.

Oh, these motherfuck these fucking musicians getting interviewed around the clock. What did those lyrics mean? Well, the song is like, it's like you could have a vocabulary of an immigrant who just stepped over the border and wrote it. It's got five words in it. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I think they'd be, it's a... Ask a scientist.

If they had one-tenth or one percent of the number of, like, attention and interviews that all... of the entertainment industry and just art in general got, that'd be huge. That's true. That's a good point. That's a good point. So what do you think of the rock star status of scientists like Neil deGress Tyson? I...

Can we pick a better example, please? Who else is there? Yeah, he's the number one right now. He's on fire. Mickey Okaku. Who's on? Okay, well, he's a string theorist. He's a guy who makes predictions about the future

so people will pay attention to him. He's a string theorist and a theoretical physicist. He's, I would say, right behind Neil DeGrasse Tyson in popularity, or Bill Nye, I guess. But Bill Nye isn't doing actual theoretical research anymore, right? He's just kind of like a science celebrity. Yeah, spokesperson. I tend to be like any of that's positive, even though I get the, like, I don't watch Cosmos and I don't have any interest for it, but it's like, even if you're just watching it and you're just like, whatever, never going to.

to do one piece of math and you don't give a shit about it, if your little kid is watching it and they're like, oh, science is a thing, like that's also huge because the U.S. is totally declining in how many scientists have produced. And so anything like that I think is useful in general. Okay, fair enough. Robin, I have another question, though. Do you fucking love science? I was going to ask about that.

Yeah. I was trying to think of a way to ask if she'd seen Cosmos on Netflix, though. Like, maybe we could check it out. Oh my gosh, dick Get a pizza Oh boy Get some chili What do you think about I fucking love science

I heard that on an earlier episode of this I was listening to and I'd never seen it What is I fucking love science? It's pictures Yeah, it's pictures That's exactly it Robin It's just pictures Of like an iceberg

What is the pictures of? Yeah icebergs Could be a icebergs Galaxies Could be a bunch of rocks Microscopic pictures You know those electron microscopes That they take those really detailed

Pictures of pinheads And insects and cells and things like, it's just science photography that masquerades itself as being science. Like a children's science fair has more redeeming scientific qualities than this Facebook group and all of its fans.

Yeah, I guess I would say that like it seems like for whoever is a fan of that, the option is that's your level of engagement with science or you literally don't acknowledge existence at all. And so I guess it's better if you acknowledge. Like it's annoying, sure, I'm not trying to hang out with any of those people or talk to them ever.

And like, no. But, you know, very reasonable. Reasonable response. Yeah, totally reasonable. We'll trip you up on something else. Okay, here's something unreasonable. How about this? How about science or shotgun?

Right? Science or fucking die? We will fucking kill you if you don't at least give some attention to science. I don't want to pander. I'm not going to settle for them to take a cursory interest in science by, via science photography. Not good enough. Science or shotgun fucker.

And guess what? It's shotgun roulette, one out of two shots. boom, your head's gone. I mean, I think a version of that's already happening that we're kind of killing ourselves with the lack of like an aggressive appreciation of science, like take stem cells. Why is this not being funded

with everything we have? George Bush, that's why. Well, but yeah, but I mean, look at the survey that Robin brought in. 20% of people, that 20% think that it's just science in general isn't great. The amount of people who are anti-sense,

stem cell has got to be over 50, 60%. Like, I have no idea, but it's got, I would bet that it's huge. Yeah. Like, I bet if you pulled people and he said, like, look, here's some scientific research we could be doing. What do you think? Their first thought isn't like, well, yeah, you know, science. I should wait the science part of that by like 95% of my brain and like the weird

Christian morality part by like 5% or less, or maybe even separate that entirely. You know what I'm saying? I don't think it's George Bush, because you put half of America in the same position. They're all going to make the same fucking joy. Bush was terrible. He really slashed funding. He vetoed funding. Yeah. He was supported. He was supported by people. Like, you can't just say it's the guy's fault. It's everybody, so many people in the same position would make the same choice. Well, but, I mean, kind of. He didn't win the popular vote. So was he really supported by people?

But it's half of people supported him. You know what, though? You can support, you can support most of a platform of a candidate and not support some off, off the wall, cockamamie, far right, a fringe thing that he believes. And he was really just pandering and placating to the far right of the group, which were afraid that stem cell research is a slippery slope towards more abortion legislation.

They wanted to outlaw abortion, so they said, let's defund stem cell research. Which, you know what, fuck you. Go ahead, guys. Go ahead and defund stem cell research because guess who has no moral qualms about doing any fucking stem cell research? China.

China. Thank God for China, because China is going to make the next breakthrough, I think, in genetics, because they're the ones who are fucking around with chimeras and stem cell research and human cloning and all sorts of crazy shit. You're going to see fucking dragons come out of China. You're also allowed to test monkeys in China. Sorry, what did you say around?

You're also allowed to do scientific testing on monkeys in China, which the PETA has banned here. Big solution, right? No, fuck them. scientifically, if you're thinking with your scientific mind, monkeys are a big solution. You put them all in a cage and just do tests on, I'm sure. Yeah, monkeys are the worst. Yeah.

All right. I don't think you guys are right in that stem cell thing. I think a more aggressive, like, pro stem cell marketing campaign needs to happen. You think that's what... Well, yeah, like, look at what happened with anti-vaxing. Every single late-night host got on TV and said, if you are an anti-vaxxer, you are fucking stupid. Yeah. Right?

Do you think that helped? You know, I'll give you that dick. I think that science needs better PR. A lady with a big boobs. A lady with big boobs. Oh, hell yeah. You get that Mexican news anchor who's been making the rounds? You know who I'm talking about?

Come on. Do I know what I'm talking about? I could eat that ass for days. I could balance a cassidia. I could make a cassidia on that ass. Oh my gosh. I was just thinking of the ass. I was going to say something else, but I just thinking of ass.

That ass is warp factor 10, right? That's very unstable. Yeah. I'd like to see her event horizon. At least to a black hole. All right. So that only got, Robin, anything else you want to add? Well, I wanted to just, you know, for the 11th or 12th time, bring up Star Trek as a great van diagram between art and science.

And the fact that, like, all these nerds watching Star Trek went out in the last 50 years, fucking invented half of the shit that you see on that TV show. Yeah, you know what bugs me about that, though, is that Star Trek gets the credit. And who's the guy who created Star Trek? Gene Roddenberry. Gene Roddenberry. People think he's like this revolution. revolutionary futurist. But, I mean, the technology was kind of...

He borrowed a lot of the technology in Star Trek from actual science fiction and science papers at the time. Like, Kim Thorne was his buddy. Yeah, it was all from El Ron Hubbard, right? No. The great scientist, O'Ran Hubbard? Well, well, well. Sean finally reveals himself, closet Scientologists.

God, I would love it if you were a Scientologist, like for real. It would be the best thing for the show ever. Have you guys had an auditing course? No, I'll never work again. It's Los Angeles. Oh, why? Because there's so many of them? No, because they'll hunt me down. Oh, and kill you?

Probably. No, no, no. I've caused a lot of disruptions with them. They're pussies. They don't do shit. I threw a beer at one of their auditing stations on Hollywood Bowlbush. That's true. Oh, yeah, I was leaving a Mexican restaurant with my life coach, who I mentioned from time to time on the podcast, and I wanted a beer to go because I had to walk home. Last question, do a very good job.

that's what he's there for. I'm like, should I get a beer to go? He's like, as your life coach, I absolutely think you should get a beer to go. So I was like, can I grab a beer for the road? I'm paying right now. And they're like, well, uh, what? Like, I just give me like a beer that I can take out of here and keep drinking on the way home. Give me like a bag or something.

And she's like, all right, but as long as you don't do anything stupid with it. Right? Okay. So I walked out. Challenge accepted. And I wasn't going to. It was like, oh, man, this is Takati's delicious. I walked out.

and the auditing station was right there, and the guy says, do you want to get audited? And I threw the beer at his auditing station, my life coach goes, you just, like, you literally just did the most trouble you could call,

like exactly the opposite of what that poor woman told you to do. I was like, well, fuck them. I was minding my own business, not getting audited. These guys are, you know, doing their thing, fleecing these poor people

as you're walking around. You did them a favor dig. Now they can audit your beer. It's just another auditing can. Here you go. You got a broken one? Plug one of the wires into this can. You got to look into that spell on the floor.

I'm going to do shit. No. All right. My turn? What's your problem? Talking to girls. Talking. I don't, let me rephrase this.

Because I just realized not talking to them because that is also painful, but like approaching them. Initiating a conversation. For flirting purposes. For flirting sexual banging purposes. Uh-huh. That's my thing. Isn't that, guys, isn't that really the biggest problem there is? For some men, I would say a lot of men don't know how, don't know, don't have the skill.

And a lot of women don't have the skill. I've been with some of my lesbian friends when we go out to bars and they try to approach women. Oh, spaghetti just starts shooting out of their pockets. It's the worst. It's like every cheeseball, cliche line, a guy would come up to a girl and say, so what do you do? What do you, what are you doing here? What time is it? Let me just call this initiating a conversation then.

Okay. And I think everyone knows what I'm talking about. I don't need to put for flirting purposes on there, right? Initiating a conversation. Because they do. Like both sides are bad at it. A woman asked me if I came here off in one time. Yeah.

I was like, are you, did you for real just ask that? Uh-huh. Yeah. I do. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. I know where this, baby, I was having this conversation when I was eight.

This is where I started. It's the worst because when you get good at it, when you finally learn how to do it, then you get out of practice. Right. And you get a girlfriend. You don't need it anymore. Right.

You don't need it. I was like, ah. And then that ends, as they always do, because relationships don't work. And then you've got to start, you've got to start all over again. And now there's, now there's Tinder on, there's Tinders and new apps and, uh, and online dating and holographic dating. And every time you start over, it's a whole new game. Like, I don't know what the fuck this game is anymore. I just want to get to, I just want to get to home base.

So they don't have bases anymore. Well, uh, kill me then. There's bases, buddy. Oh, their bases still. The bases are still there. Oh, wait, wait. You think, I forget what you said, but a long time ago in an episode, you said that there was an extra base in there now. What was the extra base?

Oh, it's online dating. It's like Tinder. Online dating is extra. Well, because everybody's stuck online now. Yeah. Every year, you're on. Because your problem is real. It's really hard to talk.

And it's also the, I'd say that, as a woman, the people that do talk to you are 99% most horrible humans that you would never want to talk to talk to you. Or in real life. No, no, no, no. In real life. Like, it's so, I'll, like, sometimes I'll stare around. On line, it's like 99.99.99.99.99. There's like five sigmas of awful. I'll stand in a bar and stare around and kind of like scan at the people that seem like they'd be like nice, reasonable guys I'd want to talk to you.

But then there's always just like the super like greased up, like gross, you know, ultra bro of some horrible bro variation. And they're the ones that are out prowling and talking to people very, very aggressively. From brolivia. Brolyvia. Like Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, like they're checking off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a salting, real salting the earth policy. right? So this is a real

No, this is a thing that... What? What, what, what? What do you mean? Oh, you of old people saying that? Your philosophy is basically like go up to a chick and either she's going to bang or she's not. Yeah, I don't go up. I don't try to make it happen. Like, I'm just like, hey, what's going on?

I'm like, oh, I can see you don't want to... I can see you know you're better than me, so I'm going over there. I'm going to go talk to the girl who's passed out at the bar. I know that's a good sign. Wow. Yeah, so Robin, do you have any stories of... What does it take? Like, in your example, how do you know their douchebags when they come up to you already like that?

They shoot a lot of lines at you? I'm not even talking about anyone that looks like a human that any of us in this room would ever want to talk to. Like, really just, like, I don't know, what's 10 times worse than wearing a fedora every time you're out in public? Tom's, Tom's shoes in silver. They're in the wrong direction. Suspenders. Definitely suspenders. You're thinking hipster.

I'm thinking like Jersey Shore. I'm thinking more like Jersey Shore people. Yeah, that's who's talking to people at bars mostly. Like the highest volume over my... But also, I know you guys can't tell from my voice, but I am six feet tall, which is much taller than most... Yeah, Robin Towers over people. Yeah, and people...

Just like those American gladiators. You're like six feet tall. Tick. And so people... Like, I get cat called three times a year on average, and almost never talk to you in bars. I think for that reason. Well, also I have...

you can't see this either, but my boobs are actually, their technical size is nearly A. So I think between... That's the nerdiest description of boobs I've ever heard. No, that's literally what the bra is nearly A, which is so sad. And so the abbreviation is N-A, not applicable. Your broad size is N-A. Oh my God.

At least they don't name condoms small. Come on. Nearly penis, yeah, no. So between those two things, I think that's really put my cat calling. bar talking to you at about zero yeah huh that's a shame so how did you meet your are you you're seeing someone now yeah no okay oh okay well then go over to okay okay okay here we go well did chili sheets sounds gross yeah well i got i brought in some uh some some lines and some things you can do i want to run them by you okay because usually i just run by him right and then what did we learn

nothing we got a real moment in studio i want to hang out with him i guess yeah he's always gonna say Yes. He's got my number already. He's going to put his Oculus Rift on. All of a sudden, I'm a beautiful woman hitting on him. Oh my gosh. I wish. So Tom Likis.

You know that guy? Remember that guy? Yeah, I remember Tom. He said, he used to say, to start a conversation with a girl at a bar, you should sit at a bar and drink a drink and put a stack of money. I don't think I remember hearing this, but a stack of money. He didn't specify like ones with a 20 on top or 100 or whatever. Do you think that's a good way to?

Wait, where do you? Put it, slide it next to them? No, on your own table. Just out. Yeah. In the world. Stack of money. Like that episode of Third Rock from the Sun, where Dick is like, this is your tip.

I'm removed from it and add to it. You know, who's not watching Third Rock from the Sun on Netflix right now? No one? No, not at all. This is not an Orange's the New Black kind of crowds. Those are the two things. Anyway. I watched some Orange is the New Black.

The first couple episodes were okay. And then it just kind of got full of itself. I want to reinforce that I just not bring up that show. Okay, fair enough. So do you think that would work? The money on the table? For me? No.

For you? No. Okay. But reflect on what you know about me over the course of this episode versus most women out there. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I'm just running these by you. Okay, next.

What about Nags? Nags? Oh, I sent a, I rate message. I get messaged by, I'm only dating. I get message by, like, you know, crazy people who I always ignore. But when someone nags me, I'll do super psycho message back to you. Oh, like for example So let's say

Oh, you have my mother's eyes That's kind of a neg No, no, this is a bag I wrote down some names Okay, let's hear yeah Did it hurt when you fell from heaven Because your face is pretty fucked up That's a pretty good

I guess I gotta laugh, that's a good neg That's not a neg The negs are like You'd be so pretty if you only smile Yeah, okay there you go That's a real creepy What was your line? Hold on

Let me write that down You'd be so pretty If you only smile Yeah. So call them out for not smiling. Yeah. That's a good line. You don't sweat much for a fat girl?

Is that Sean? No, I was just trying to play. Okay, you know what though? The, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, guy saying that in the, in a bar. Right? You've actually heard that before? Um, I think that's, like, the general neg example. Okay.

Okay. How about, how about, how about this one? Is that a tuna fish factory in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? That's a pretty good neg Tuna fish She gets it Another laugh That's a good mag

The factory is the best part The factory is the best part So that's a good one How about this one Will you marry me Because it's now legal for guys To marry other guys dressed in drag That's a good neg

These are all great negs dick These are all great negs dick So negs, they don't work. Those are hilarious jokes. The negs are so horrible. You know, these almost sound like that line from Napoleon Dynamite, where he goes up to the girl and he says, do you drink 1%?

Because you don't have to because you're not fat. Or what was that the line? Yeah. Oh, because you're not fat? You're not fat. No, that's a compliment. That's not a Negg. You've got to hit him as hard as you can.

With all guns blazing. Wait, you've got a chemistry background, right? Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, clear your mind. I got a good one for you. What's your favorite molecular compound? Mine's uranium iodide because it puts you and I together.

That's going to be really unstable. Three times. It's a pretty good one. That's a good line. At least it wasn't a coming tonight one. A what? Coming tonight, the element. What's that?

It just says, it spells coming tonight. Coming tonight. there's an element called Kamingtonite? Yeah. It's not, I don't know if it's an element or I think it's a mineral, right?

Yeah, I don't recognize that as an element. Actually, one of the first girls I ever, I ever talked to online, that was her handle. And I thought it was this a guy fucking around and I started talking to her

and she was a chemist. She had like a chemistry background and she explained to me and I looked at it, I'm like, oh, it's a real thing. Coming tonight, the rock. Coming tonight.

Yeah, no, I brought it in because that's all, anybody ever asks. But what do you do in real life? And that's where, that's why it's tricky because there's a lot of shitty advice being given.

Like it's some, like, like there's some kind of secret magic to initiating conversations. Yeah, no, mostly it's based on how good looking you are. Yes, that's a big, that's a big one.

No, no, no. What do you mean? No. No. It makes it easier, right? Okay, so here's the thing. I have some friends, So I have very few friends, male friends, who are so attractive that women come approach them.

And when they do, it's hilarious, because women generally don't approach guys. And when they try to, it's awful and it's hilarious. But he's one of the few exceptions, and it makes it easier for him. And by the way, he has to maintain the conversation once he's approached, right? Yeah. But no, that's not the only way. You don't have to, it doesn't, I mean, that's kind of depressing to think that only attractive people are able to maintain and hold conversation. I've talked to lots of attractive people.

Well, start initiate conversations. There are many ways to initiate conversations. Being attractive is the best one. No, no, not at all. That's absolutely true. That's absolutely true. I've talked to so many dumb, like, boring, just vacant people in bars who are super attractive. And they have nothing to say.

There's nothing. They don't have anything to say. There's nothing going on. But they can just stroll right up and say like, hey, I put my underwear on backwards. What's going on? You can say anything and be attractive. That's a good pickup, though. That's a good conversation initiation.

Is that a good conversation initiation? Hey, Robin, I put my underwear on backwards. Congratulations. Where do you, so you don't have a dickhole. Already asking questions about your dick. She's already thinking about my dick and asking questions about my dickhole. That's great. That's like date three.

But do you think that translates into having sex, though? Because I'll talk to anyone that talks to me at a bar because I feel too rude and then I try to escape at various points. And you've already fucked yourself if you don't get them, if they're not thinking sexually immediately. No. Like if they're not flirting right away, you're done. Abandon ship, move on to the next target. I mean, what person? You know, guys?

Right? There's some wisdom in that. Because you don't want, the last thing you want to be is the guy who's hammering away at this door that is not going to open. You don't want to be that person. You don't want to ruin, like, let them go. Let somebody else talk to this person that they're attracted to. some people don't want to get sexual in the first one minute also i met all of my boyfriends for last 10 years in chemistry class of the course of a long semester where we bonded

so you bonded in a chemistry class so take chemistry classes oh yeah oh that's actually well if you're a girl like i don't know what you guys would take yeah chemistry or physics or math like a lingerie class is that exist could we take that seriously here's a tip here's a here's a maddox tip for you guys if you guys want like i found so many women in psychology? Psych 101? Yes. Oh my god. Those girls have got to be fucked up. Oh, they are. Psych 101. And then art history.

Art history. And they're just babes. And then in... The other one is teaching. Any kind of teaching? And I found out all three of those because I accidentally sat in on a class. When I went to the university and I had an hour to kill, I would just open up any old door and sit down in whatever fucking class it was. And I walked in on so many classes like, psych. And I looked around. It's just like... 90% women in the class. That's the trick. Yeah, I'd say the number one way to meet people is a hobby that is 90% the gender that you're interested in.

Like what do women do then? Well, art history. Now, I mean, yoga's bad. Like selling each other. Because you guys don't want to be like showing up doing yoga. Yeah, who does yoga? All right, all right. Let's calm down about who does what around here.

First of all, it's called Pilates. I got to get my Burning Man body. Oh, yeah. You understand. Yeah. You are right about that. Yeah. Just go to any activity that's what you want to be interested in.

So, like, stand-up comedy, like any kind of comedy, that would be a lot of, there would be a lot of women in that. No. You would say? No. No. Stand-up, by the way, is, like, a dead end for dating and for... Happiness. Happiness, yeah.

It's where happiness goes to die. It's where broken families come. It's like the seed that is planted by broken families, flowers in. to a stand-up comic. No. That's what that is. This sounds pretty depressing. Oh, it is.

It is. And that's where, like, dreams go to die. Like, gun stores? Gun stores, yeah. Probably good. Where else would you say? Besides Pilates classes, which there are a ton of hot chicks in Pilates classes, where else? Where do women go?

I don't know. A book club? Is that where women go? Oh, a book club. That's a good one. Yeah, but they can sniff out a weasel, like, a mile away. If you try to bullshit your way in a book club, they'll fucking sniff you out a mile away.

Are you trying to protect some kind of racket over there? Mr. Author? I thought about who? Forget book clubs. Put on a book signing. That's how you really bring them out. Hey, ladies. You saw your book? Oops, that was your tits.

You know what, guys? I used to be really bad at conversations, starting initiating conversations, and I was always a shy person, right? I read the game. I know Neil Strauss, the guy who wrote the game, right? That's the book about pickup artists and blah, blah, blah, yada. It got kind of a bad rap because he talked about negging in the book. He was just kind of documenting it.

He wasn't suggesting. In fact, he doesn't espouse negging. He doesn't think that that's a good strategy to approach women. I have more negs if you want to hear them. I want to hear them after this. Keep going. Okay. So he basically, later on in an interview, I don't remember where exactly,

but people were talking to him about whether or not it's required reading to read the game to be able to approach people, not just for men, but for women, too. He said, no, you could read the game and try to practice your inner workings and go through all these different strategies and stuff, or you could just take an improv class. Because the same skills that you have in improv are the same skills you need to initiate a conversation, just being able to walk up to anybody and talk about anything at any time. Improves a great way to meet people, I think.

There you go, bingo. It's about 50-50 on genders, too. 50-50? I'd say so, yeah. That's the best you're going to get in any kind of comedy situation. Yeah. Well, what are the rules? Like, what's the way if you can give one takeaway from an improv class so people don't have to go pay to take it?

Well, the one... First of all, you have to be confident and be interesting. Those are the only two things. Oh, come on. That's no good to any of us. Get out of here, confident and interesting. You know what? The rule...

So drink three beers. No, no, no. Load up random Wikipedia on your phone. No, that's how you do it. That is awful. Let me tell you about Versailles. Honestly, I'll tell you the one thing that changed my life more than anything. The one tip, and this has

just absolutely changed my life. I've told it to other people, and it has changed their lives too. Make eye contact, and don't break eye contact. Oh, yeah. Don't be the first person to break eye contact with a woman or a man. If you guys connect in a bar and you make eye contact, don't break away. Never break away. Let the tension

build, and then smile. That's it. That's your conversation opener, because if you're in a loud bar, and it's really hard to talk, and it's really hard to hear, you're still communicating to that other person, that you are bold and confident just by looking at them in the eye because you're not shying away. And that you want to bang them.

That's exactly what it communicates because it does. It communicates sexual tension. Right away. You got to know right away. If it's not there right away, pull the cord. Well, that's the other thing. If a girl pulls away too quickly, then she might be shy and insecure and not really the type of person you might want to talk to.

I'm looking for confident women who are interesting and have something to say and they're bold and they feel they have high self-esteem and they're looking for that in a guy too. So when you make eye contact with a woman in a bar or a guy in a bar and they don't break away, you smile, that's your opener. You go over and say hi, you say, look, we just made eye contact. I have to introduce myself to you. That's your opener. There you are.

Robin, let me ask you something. Who in this room looks the most like Will Wheaton? Oh, boy. No one? Oh, okay. You got a bullet there. Yeah. There was no wrong answer to that question except that one.

the only one I wanted to give. Here's another neg for you. Do you like Jeff Goldblum? Because you look like him, you retarded bitch. Pretty good neg, right? I think that's a good neg. Will you say one of these lines to someone tonight? Sure, yeah.

I want you to say the tuna fish line to someone that you don't know tonight at a bar. But he only brings in things that have been feeling. test. Yeah, these are, I know these are quality nags or your money back. Robin, a couple episodes ago, I said about Dick that he has been slapped by more women than anyone else I know in real life. That's an

absolute fact. And it's probably because of this horseshit right here. That's funny. Yeah, I think the whole like pickup artist movement has kind of poisoned a lot of guys to be these weird robots that are just hitting on people all the time. And that has in effect

poisoned the well and driven women away from like media like i i think i think people are afraid to meet in bars now and out i think they're actually afraid to just talk to each other i don't know about that it it has created a new dynamic like since before and after there's this new universe we live in with the with pickup artists and weirdos going around and trying weird tricks and things like that you can usually sniff them out a mile away yeah uh when when you internalize when you change who you are and and people people say the best thing to do is be yourself fuck that don't be your yourself, you're boring. Be a better

version of yourself, right? You don't want to be, like, you know what? If I'm myself, I might be sitting home with barbecue stains on my shirt. That's not fucking cool. I don't care if that is me. I'm not going to put that version of me out there. I'm going to put the best version of myself out there. Don't be that loser

who's like, well, I shouldn't have to change. I shouldn't have to do anything. Fuck you. Yes, you should. Yes, you fucking should. You go to church, you put on your best clothes. You go to work, you put on your best clothes. Right? You put on the best version of yourself. Yeah. For the situation that you're in.

If you're trying to meet somebody, put on the best version of you, and don't fake it. If you're faking it, if you're being phony and saying that you are into a bunch of hobbies and shit like that, sure. Then you're pulling shit. What's that? Like hiking? Yeah, don't say you like to hike. Oh, God. That's the number one worst one.

Yeah. Everyone likes to hike. Oh, I love traveling, too. I like to travel, though. That's for real. Okay. What? Whatever.

Okay. Also, I'd say that you have to accept that you're going to. going to get rejected a huge chunk of the time. Most of the time. I ask a lot of guys out, and I have about a 50-50 rate of being rejected. Okay. Well, that's way better than most guys, Robin. Yeah, but I'm saying I ask people out.

Most girls don't do that, right? In general? I don't know. Whatever. I do sometimes, yeah. It's still a proportion. It's not zero, right? Like, you have to just be constantly ready.

Like, you're going to get rejected. You have to have a thick skin and gets you past that. Absolutely. And God bless you for being able to do that because it takes a lot of confidence, rather to be able to approach and ask that guy. I just like weak men, so. Okay. You're in luck. You're in good company.

Yeah, I think just say hi. Don't worry about him. Robin, how do you approach a man? What do you say to him? I say, I never talk to people in real life. That'll work. Oh, it's always online, huh? It's online or, yeah, or all pussyfoot around. I'll just say, come hang out, come hang out.

Don't you want to hang out with me? Oh, C, C. Okay, so I stopped doing the hangout thing, and I started going back to the old-fashioned word date. Because when I have hung out with chicks. We've gone on four dates. I went out on with a... And there's nothing worse than that. Oh, it's awful.

Like, there's nothing worse than just hanging out with someone you want to bone. Is there? No, it's not. It sucks. No, it's when you're hanging out with someone who wants to bone you and you want to escape real bad. I would rather have that. Okay. No, I don't know.

They're both bad. Because then you can trick them into leaving your apartment and lock them out. side. It's not a joke. Why don't you step out and get in my newspaper, baby? I went on a date one time with this girl, and she was very flirty with me, like, to the point where she was putting her, we were in a bar across from each other, like putting her foot in my crotch. I thought, okay, well, this is, this is, this means business, right? Business time. Right? Well, so we went out on a date. It was a movie date, and the movie we

went to see was about a couple who were going on a first date, and they literally defined a date as the girl was like, well, what's a date? And the guy said, well, I don't know, I guess it's when you go to dinner and a movie. We were at dinner in a movie. And then afterwards went to a bar, blah, blah, blah, went back to my place. And then, you know, I wasn't getting the vibe, or anything, because we were just hanging out, and that's what we called it. Yeah. Even though it was dark in my apartment, we're watching movie together. And finally, she said, yeah, I'm not, I'm not really, this isn't a date. I'm like, it's definitely a fucking date.

I mean, if you're not interested, that's a different story. But don't call this not a date. This is definitely a date. And she said, oh, well, you know, I just thought we were hanging out. That's why that word is poison. I never used it anymore. Wait a minute. It's a pussy move and I knew I was pulling it.

But it's very hard. Okay, I've texted you want to go to date to like three people. It's very hard to do that. It is hard to do, though. It really is soul crushing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think what did you do during this movie? What did you say that turned her from playing a,

Playing a khaki sack with your nut sack to this isn't a date. What happened? It wasn't me. Did you get off on a rant about Mark Pizza or something? No, I just talked about how much I like kicking babies. No, you know what, man? It wasn't me, man. I found out later on that she'd done this to multiple different guys, which is kind of misleading.

And I told her, too, on our date, I told her, I said, you can't do this stuff because it is definitely misleading to people. And I knew there was a, and then I found out that there was a string of men. she'd done that to in her wake. With putting her feet on their balls. Oh, sort of weird stuff like that. Yeah. That's weird.

That's weird. Yeah, it was really weird. It was really unsettling. And so, you know, we're still friends and everything, but I told her, I thought that was really weird. And then, you know what, and then she said, I feel bad because I feel like I let you on. And I said, you know what? It's not your fault entirely because I should have not been a pussyfooting around either. I should have just said something right up front.

You should have came all over her foot. You gotta assert your dominance. Have you guys ever gotten a foot job? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Dick, any anything, any comments? No, I mean, I have to, she got me most of the way there, and then there was a little bit of foot stuff to finish me up.

It's not that a great of a story. Yeah, that's a weird chick. I have not. I've had a foot down there and I said, hey, what are you doing? Let's not, let's do this the normal way. No, I'm down, whatever's going on. All right, let's see what that foot's doing.

Yeah, well, that's my problem. Yeah, well, good problem. My problem this week was trans fats or partially hydrogenated oils. Robin, what was your problem? It was people that don't value science. Pretty good. My problem was initiating a conversation

for purposes of boning. Robin, you want to plug anything? What's the name of your play? Well, it's no longer exist. Okay. But it was called Star Trek Between the Sheets. Star Trek Between the She and your website, Robin, for those who are interested. Oh, yeah.

It's called the Higgs Weldon, H-I-G-E-G-S-H-I-W-G-W-D-O-G space. H-I-W-G-W-E-W-E-W-E-E-L-E-E-N. Well, no, there's no space. In the name. In the name. In the Internet. Higgs? We're already blowing this.

We'll link to it on the website. H-I-W-G-S-W-E-L-D-O-N-W-D-O-N-W-D-O-N-W-D-O-N-W-D-N. No. But Higgs-Welden, it's very funny. And our very own friend of the show, Asteroos, is a contributor to the website, right? Yeah, he's a columnist. Yeah, there's a lot of funny stuff.

I've actually seen it pop up in multiple times on my news feed, and I didn't know it was your website for the longest time, even though it has your last name in it, like an idiot. Anyway, that's... Thank you so much for coming on the show. Yeah, thank you for being on show. me, man. This was very fun. If anyone, anyone's listening, you need to get cat called more.

I say, that's what we learned. That's three in a decade. That's not enough, right? No. That's not enough. Got to whistle more. See you next Tuesday. I see Maddox going down this path where within about a year, he's probably going to become a stoner and just anti, and he's just going to become a complete hippie. Because look at the last, okay, first, he sees the new technology.

And he's just like, man, this is crazy, bro. like you put all the headset, bro, and you're in the virtual reality, bro. It's going to take over everything, man. Like somebody who fucking saw a computer screen for the first time and it was like, the lights, you're crazy, like, you can put words on here.

You don't have to write down shit anymore. You don't understand, bro. You don't understand what this is going to change fucking everything. And I was like, corporations are evil. They're wrong. Did you know that the advertising isn't true?

Did you know that when you're a state of you? Says that they care about the troops? That's just the advertising campaign. This is fucking jacked. This is crazy. And then city's going to smoke some weed and be like, well, this is illegal. This is just a play it, man.

This is a play it, man. This is why you guys are so crazy about a play it? And then fucking two years from now he's going to be like, jet fuel could not melt fuel beams, dick. I mean, look at all, and you just got to look at the corporations. They lie. So the government lies.

Everything's a lie. And then he'll be fucking 16 by November. Maybe his balls will drop. He'll have sex for the first time. And then he'll forget about all of them and live in the real world like the rest of us. Yeah, the real world. You know what, fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy. That was a pretty good, like just, what was it? Free thought. What's it called? Rambling. Can you find it fun? Yeah, no, free flow thought. Stream of consciousness.

Stream of consciousness rant. I was going to shit on that guy, but that was a really good stream of consciousness rant. But still, fuck that guy. Dick, I got so many Dix versus Dicks last episode that my head started to spin. Oh, what do you want to play? them? Well, here I got this. This fucking chicken shit bit that he does. Have you heard one of these, Robin?

That's about two dick versus thick. I've seen a picture of two dicks touching each other on the website. Oh, on the dollar bill art? Yes. Well, it is related. Okay. Because it's, it's, this bit is basically Maddox rubbing his own penis on his own penis, like audibly. That sounds like a porn you would like. Yeah, it does. Yeah, real funny guys.

Dick versus Dick. All right, Dick. You remember last episode? You said... Just play the fucking clips. Everybody knows what you're doing. Just play the goddamn clips.

You know, a lot of drug users have been some of the biggest intellectuals of our time. People are smart in spite of drugs, not because of drugs. Huh. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, obviously, I don't agree with that.

Yeah, but then in episode 47, you said this. Uh-oh. It's a plant that's... It just makes people stupid. It makes you stupid. And it makes kids IQs over, if they're heavy users for 10 years, drops their IQ by 10 points. Yeah.

Yeah. So what? It makes you lethargic and dumb sounding. I'm so calm down from that sound effect. That's a beautiful sound effect. It's a beautiful sound effect. It's a great fucking bet. It dulls your senses and makes you dopey while you're smoking it.

Yeah. It's bad for teenagers, but what isn't bad for teenagers? They're still developing. Once you're an adult, fuck off. It's a race to the grave. Computers, virtual reality, wea-weeys, vitamins, exercise. These are all things that are not bad. Oh, you fucking teetotaler?

Is that what that's called? T-totaler? The name of those pricks who don't do any drugs? Yeah. If everybody could get as high off the smell of their own farts as you can, then we wouldn't have to do drugs, but we do. Yeah. We have to.

Yeah, so drugs are pretty cool. Yeah. I'm not one of these people I don't really like weed Yeah I don't I'm not a big I'm not a big fan of weed Don't smoke it And potheads really fucking annoy me

They do It's just a weed man I don't smoke a lot of weed I'll smoke it if I'm offered weed But I don't go looking for it Like I do I don't buy it I'll just take it

All right If there's a joint being passed around I'll take it Yeah Okay Anything else you have any You don't have a food That you do that for

I know you love cinnamon But is there a food that you'll eat if it's presented to you but you won't go seek it out? Yeah. Like basil? Coal slaw. I never want coal slaw in my mouth.

And yet some people are big fanatics of coleslaw. Yeah, idiots. Fatso's. That's who. I've never met anyone who's smart or well-read who really likes coal-slaw. Right, Robin?

You don't like coleslaw. I like vinegar-based coal-slaw. But if it has a mayonnaise base, fuck you. Oh my gosh. Sean, you're in on this. He's nodding. What is this? Vinegar-based. Is that a thing?

That's a thing? Yeah, it's like German-Coles line. Okay, nerds. All right. What do you got? Dick. I've never done that before. What do you got, Dick?

Your stupid bit reminded me that you have to watch 30 seconds of Titanic. Robin, do you remember? You know Titanic. Oh, yeah. Oh, great. Last episode of 30 seconds of Titanic, we left off where Rose has just called Bill Paxton and asked him if he'd found the heart. What is it?

The Heart of the Jewel? It's a big jewel. Heart of the ocean. Heart of the ocean. Asked him if he'd found it yet. And he was like, Gah, what? How does this old lady know about the...

They have James Cameron, the masterful, romantic action adventure filmmaker that he is. This is the first mention of the diamond, right? Okay. That's where we're at right now. Sounds like you're about to come on his toes. This is the chopper where Rose is in the chopper. It's also a very cute, Pomeranian.

X. Pomeranian. You want to see that, don't you? No. You know, everyone in this movie's dead right now. Oh, Bill Paxton isn't dead, you asshole. You know who is, though? Is the president of Nintendo?

Send more hate mail, idiots. Good. Very exciting. Good. I'm glad I talked to her that whole bit. Good. Garbage movie, I will never watch it. You've never seen it?

And he refuses to. I bet you're getting through it now. Yeah, that's his punishment for losing every episode. He has to watch a bit of Titanic because he refuses to watch it. Oh, that reminds me, Dick. To bring in some TED talks for you. No, I don't really care, though. It's not as funny.

Okay. Because I hate them. I find them annoying. Why do you hate TED Talks? Well, because I think they're mostly, like, ads. Like, people do them to advertise their consulting services, and they're, like, they take forever to get to the fucking point. Like, 17 minutes is way too long.

It should be, like, 45 seconds. They're 12 seconds. Like, let's go. Speed through it. Cut out all the laughter. You edited this video. cut out all the goddamn laughter and the fucking jokes. Just make your point.

First of all, it's a PowerPoint. No, I'll do this next time. I don't want to use up a problem with testifies. All right, coming soon. Yeah, right.