The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 64

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from Facebook to hipsters. With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I am Maddox and with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer, welcome back. Hello. Episode 64. Guys, we should just get right to it.

Helping friends move was the biggest problem in the universe last week. Yeah. Followed by Dropbox and cloud storage. which the voting on this is so outrageous. You guys, in the negative, not only is it negative, but negative 2,000 votes. Oh my God, are you serious? That's, there's got to be some shenanigans. That's some serious negative acceleration there, man.

No, there's got to some shenanigans. Here's the thing, go ahead. Here's the thing, Dick. I don't think that there's enough people in the world who have that strong of an opinion, at least in our listener base, that have that strong of an opinion of cloud storage. Is that the biggest, is that the biggest down? No, Guardians of the Galaxy was the fastest. Maddox is the biggest downvote on the list.

But Guardians of the Galaxy was the fastest. That was like a mega slide at a water park. The ones that pulls your swimsuit right up your ass. That was that slope. Was this higher? This was higher than Guardians of the Galaxy wasn't it? I don't know. I'll have to check the slopes.

That's absurd. Look, I'm calling some shenanigans on it. No, here's why. Here's why. He's a scripting bot or something. No. This is why I was saying you fucked up. because first of all, it was very technical.

Because with this number, with this large of a negative turnout, it becomes a negative vote against you. Like people aren't voting on the problem anymore. They're voting on how you brought it in when the number is that large. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I know what you're saying. It's the, was it Dropbox? Was it cloud storage?

You know, that was part of the confusion. And when people get confused, they get angry. And that's when the down votes start flying. Poo, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, That's who voted the Dropbox problem down. You know what, Dickhead? Those fuckers, those shady fuck drop box executives, remember they were the ones who booted the kids

from that baseball field a while back up in... Oh, yeah, they booted those Mexican kids. Those Mexican kids, they booted them. And then the Mexicans wanted to see their papers for how they reserved the field. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Those shady fucks, these are the ones. You know what?

I wouldn't be surprised if a few Dropbox engineers got their feelings hurt last episode. Good. Fuck your Dropbox. Fuck your service. Here's the thing. Adam Reburn says if someone is using Dropbox as their primary storage, that's their fault for being a fucking moron, not Dropboxes. Here's the thing, Adam Reburn, that argument completely disregards the argument that I made

that essentially all companies are moving towards this platform. Nobody wants you to own anything anymore because they want to rent it to you constantly. That's the end game here, guys. Why do you have a problem with that? Because, Dick, instead of buying something once and using it for, as long as you want, now you have to rent everything. Imagine if you had to rent every tool that you owned. Imagine if you had to rent your car permanently.

But that's called a lease. Yeah. I mean, that's, in some ways, a lease is better for you depending on your life circumstances. Yeah, but the majority people, it's not. The majority people can own their cars. The majority of the people can own the tools that they have. They keep trying to deprecate everything. Look, man, people are paying subscription fees for Netflix.

And they're paying subscription fees for GameFlux. and then subscription fees for Hulu and subscription fees for this show and subscription fees for Twitch and Netflix and Amazon and all these other services You know all these subscription fees start to add up and next thing you know

you're paying you cut your cable cord But now you're paying the exact same as you did before On all these little services And everyone is trying to do this now Yeah I guess I just don't see a problem with it Like, it's a different way to monetize resources. No, I'll tell you. Like, instead of paying a lump sum at the front, you're paying a little bit every month.

No, it's garbage. Because I'll tell you what. Adobe has moved to this model exclusively. It's great. No, it's awful. The Microsoft Office is incredible. It's $10 a month instead of the $300 that you used to pay. Dick, you're paying $300 every three years.

You're paying more than that. Yeah, that's, I do not have a problem with paying $300 every three years. Yeah, but it's not, it's $300. for Microsoft, $300 for Adobe, another $4.5, actually, it's more than that. And here's the thing. With Adobe, with Adobe Suite, what they do is you pay for the subscription fee so you can no longer stick with one version because every few months or so, they'll update it and they'll break features, they'll take it away. I used to use Adobe, what is it? The pirate version. Is that what you're trying to think of?

No, no, I used to use the video editing, Premiere, Premiere, right? Premier used to have all these transitions and really cool features in it, and they stripped it from the Creative Cloud version. So if you're paying for the subscription version, you lose out on features that you once had if they decide arbitrarily to take it away. All right. And also, Dick, what happens? Speaking of arguments, everyone's sick of. What?

Then what happens what? What happens what happens what? They repossess it. What do you mean? What happens to your data? On a lot of services, it just sits there and you have to pay to re-edit it again. Like it'll sit there in a read-only version. I don't know what specifically Dropbox does.

Yeah, nobody really knows. So it's a big cloud. I've done it. I've done it on like subversion repositories and it just sits there. You can go on to services. You hope that they leave it there. Nobody really knows these policies from company to company. They might hang on to your data.

They might not. It might be gone forever. Yeah, I guess read the manual. Hmm. Or just buy a hard drive and keep it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hey, this one from Nico Yazawa. I'm moving this week and I had to ask a friend to help and I'm paying him in barbecue fuck time to kill myself all because Dick can go fuck himself he felt bad because he was moving and he asked his friend to help him

which he should that was the point I was making last episode If you're in a desperate spot then sure Put it on a credit card Put higher movers Put it on a credit card It's your problem

It's not our problem I know you're moving If I want to help I'll show up Better yet sign up for my new subscription service You pay a monthly fee, and anytime you got to move, I'll just come move it for you, but pay forever. It's called insurance. Insurance works the same way. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of insurance either. Alex Worth says, Dropbox isn't a box.

Jesus Christ. And then there was a thread of comments. I'm going to read all of these. Adam Lewis says, it's a square cylinder. And then Sean Willing says, it's a five-sided box. And then Gilbert Garcia says, it's a six-sided square. Which, by the way, that thumbnail, last episode, Dick, was so well done. It perfectly encapsulated both problems.

That was really good. What is that guy's name? Elizar. Elizar, Tarter Sauce, something like that. Yeah. He's doing a good job. I like his stuff. And Tubbs, too.

They all do good stuff. And everybody was raving about that fan art we received last time. And by the way, guys, it's live on the show. It's live on the show's website. So upload your fan art and we'll shit on it. Yes, we hit it in a really hard spot to find it was. Biggest Problem, the Universe.com, slash fan dash art. Some people found it on their.

own but now it's linked to. People were saying we should have abbreviated it to fart. Real funny. Derek Connolly says, why does the download button never work? I want to download an episode and put it on my iPod for a road trip I'm about to leave on, but all it does is open in another window and play the episode there. Then Stormy Water says right click and save link. Yeah. Real simple solution. And notice it's a Mac user who has this problem. Oh my God. Because how do you right click in a Mac? What do you have to alt, alt, control? Is this how you want to start this fucking episode with rehashing your insanely

small technical problems that you have with everything. Like, you have not, how long did it take you to install iTunes? Two hours? You can't use Dropbox? You can't use self-checkout lanes? I think you need to get, you need like an assistant monkey who can do all these things for you, like

a literal racist monkey. Those self-checkout lanes never work. I'm going to make you watch a three-minute video of me trying to check out that doesn't fucking work. The machine doesn't work. And also, installing iTunes for two hours is because I didn't want to install all the bloatware that comes with iTunes. I had to decompress the package

and install specifically what I wanted. I want to hammer my brains out. I can't take any more tech stuff. Maddox, one taver... Maddox, every time you talk about fighting games, you're painting yourself off more and more as a salty scrub who doesn't know when to quit.

Get good. A lot of people were complaining that you were... And I'm not calling you this, but they were saying you were lying about tripping in Smash Brothers. Did you see any of that? Yeah, you know what, guys? I was going through my old Wii collection of video games, and I saw in my collection. I actually own Smash Brothers. Which one, though?

Smash Brothers Brawl. Yeah, see, they're saying that's the only one that has tripping, and it was... Let me play some voicemails first. Okay, let's hear these idiots. Hey, Matt, I'm an excellent fucker. So, Smash Brothers. The tripping thing only exists in Smash Brothers Brawl. on the Wii.

Yeah. Tripping doesn't exist in the highly competitive melee version. And I want a creator. I can't take any more that one.

These, Hey, you guys, I just wanted to comment on that fucking 12-year-old that called in to defend Smash Brothers. It's not a fighting game.

It's a shit series, and I love the person that defended it was a 12-year-old, which is a target audience for Smash Brothers. Dick, go fuck yourself. Yeah, man.

These, talk about petulant, these fucking Smash Brothers fans, here's the thing. Two episodes ago, they were all saying, hey, Maddox, you just haven't played a, you just haven't played a good Smash Brothers game. You probably played melee, which is the worst one in the series. And now that I bring up the tripping mechanic, they're like, oh no, that was the worst one. You should play a real one. Every single time. Guys, if it's a competitive game, if it's really balanced, you shouldn't have to turn off anything to play it. You shouldn't have to turn off a, you shouldn't have to go through an arcade dip switch.

screen to decide how to play the game. You should just turn it on and fucking play it. In Street Fighter, you don't have to go through 40 different customizations and options and disable random elements in the game just to make it playable. Fuck you and fuck Smash Brothers. All right, how about this?

Because you and I are going to play Smash Brothers tonight. Right? That's true. Actually, we are playing tonight. We're going to settle it once and for all. Yeah. Okay? If I win, it's a fighting game. And in fact, superior to Street Fighter. And if you win, I don't know. Somebody's got to write you in a

about how right you are. Blow me. Well, no, this isn't how bets work. You're always trying to make tattoos and blowing part of the bet. Yeah, because you never, everything bad that can happen to you, you don't want. So there's nothing that you'll ever agree to. Yeah, you won't agree to tattoos, you won't agree to shaving your stupid haircut, you won't agree to shaving off your eyebrows, you won't agree to sowing your mouth shut.

Like, none of these things that I want you to do. I got a comment here. Can you make a bet like a real person, not a cartoon? Okay. Like in reality? Drink a bottle of hot sauce. I've already drank in a bottle of hot sauce. You drink a hot bottle.

Are you open to that? If I win at Smash Bros. tonight, when we go play, this exhibition match, it's a fighting game. And that's it, because I'm fucking tired of talking about Smash Bros. Okay. I agree to that. You can call it a fighting game. And it is. And you agree that it is a fighting game. I agree that you can call it that.

Okay. So no betting at all. Great. What a fun guy. What a fun bit. What did what you give up? Let's make a fucking... I don't know. What do you want?

You won't agree to anything. Like sewing my mouth shut or shaving my head or getting a tattoo on my face? Shave half your head. That's the same as shaving your head. Okay, I'm also sick of this conversation. Great. Go ahead. What were you going to... No, you know what?

I got something special for you instead of whatever you were going to say. No. Go ahead. You can do it during this song. Strike this time. Piece of shit. I'm calling shenanigans on that vote. That's fucking bullshit.

Someone's scripted it. I got a comment from... Tim Greeley, he says, soup blankets. That's one step removed from chili sheets. And then Robert Greger says, hey, morons, the extra base is anal when you ground home.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was my joke the first time. Hey, April O'Neill likes the soup blankets. Oh, yeah. How about that? The porn star and April O'Neil. Yeah. Pretty cool.

She'll come out and sample some blankets. My friend used to date her. Congratulations. Yeah. What do you mean? How do you know she likes the blankets? Because she was tweeting at me about it. How did she find out about it?

A fan tweeted at her about it. About your blankets? About the soup blankets. A fan of the show tweeted to her about the soup blankets. Why would our fans do that? Why does anyone do anything? That's so weird. No, it's not one of those why does everyone do anything?

That just seems like a really weird thing to tweet to April O'Neill specifically. That's so weird. Huh. Maybe he thought it would be fun. Yeah. It was. Great. I don't know.

Real fun time. Real fun time for it. Let's go back to talking about Dropbox. That's fun. Oh, God. The worst. I think it went beyond even voting the problem. They were voting down that you even brought it in.

That's how bad it was. No, Dick. No, they weren't. Here's the thing. Everyone's an idiot except for me. All right? Someday, when you guys are all enslaved by the subscription fee model and you no longer have hard drives

and you all have to rent material and you can no longer download anything you want because you forgot to pay your subscription fee and your data gets deleted or God knows what happens because no one must. knows, then you'll come kiss my ass. And you know what? I'm going to slam the door shut on you.

No, I get all the hard drives. I'm going to be a hard drive hoarder. That's what I am. Okay. I got some voicemails for you. Hello, Dick Masterson. This is Adolfipler. Yes, this is our talk. I noticed that you said that the Holocaust was as bad as moving. That is not fair.

I did not make any of the Jews move their own thing. I crushed them up and put them in the train. And you can vet the ends of the day. I did not stick them with the gas mill. Oh. Have a nice day and go fuck yourself. Whoa. Oh, the line, Hitler.

That's too much for you. Yeah. Yeah, I drew the line at Holocaust. Hitler, you're not welcome to call into the show ever again. Dick. Blank that guy? Change our voicemail to say if this is Hitler, hang up. We're not going to play your voicemail.

No more Hitler calls. Hitler. He's not a friend of the show. Fuck that guy. Anyway, it was a good point, though. He didn't stick him with the gas bill. All right. Are you ready to move on to the problems here?

Yeah, you want to go first? Let me go first. Yeah, I'll go. Okay. My first problem this week is infantilism. Hmm. Yeah. Oh, good problem.

Yeah. Good job, Maddox. This is a definition of infantilism. You know what it is, Dick? Sean, you guys know what this is? From dictionary.com, it says, The persistence in an adult. I know what it is.

What is it? What is, Sean? Yeah, what? I mean, too. I just wanted to interrupt it. I know what it is, too. Yeah. It's when you want to have sex with those giant trees from Lord of the Rings.

Kind of. Actually, you're kind of on. I know you're making a joke here, but kind of your kind of. They're called end fonts, I think. Oh, no, Dick. Damn it, fuck. Asshole. What did you think of?

No. Where did you think I got that? I thought you meant people who fetishize things like Lord of the Rings and wanted to have sex with him. But that's pretty close. Sean, what did you think of was? Yeah, what's Sean? I just wanted to interrupt because he never gave us the chance to ask. Yeah, yeah.

For sure. We answered rhetorical questions without giving a pause. Well, first of all, here's the problem. with Joker 1 and Joker 2 over here. Right? First Joker 1, Dick. He's just going to think of some stupid thing to say that's irrelevant just to make a joke. A pun. It's called a pun.

Yeah, a pun. And then Sean, I give Sean time to respond and he's like pulling his hands out of his pockets and putting his weed away and all this. Oh, come on. Oh, my goodness. Now, I try to buy a little bit of time so Sean can get to the mic.

But, yeah, Sean, you know what it is. Yeah. Go ahead. Just move on. Go. Great. The persistence in an adult of markedly childish, anatomical, psychological, or physiological characteristics.

That's what infantilism is, right? Yeah. To me, it signals the sign of an emotional, immature person and the inability to cope with challenging situations. It's a sign of weakness. Babies and children need to be coddled. So people who act like babies or children also need to be coddled. It's a character flaw and a sign of weakness.

And I'm not just saying that flippantly here. I actually mean it's a sign of weakness. I mean it in every sense of the word. These people are weak and aren't fit for survival. They should be rejected like the bad batch of eggs that they are. Infantilism. I'm so tired of these guys, man. It is annoying.

Me too. It culminates in many different ways. Sometimes I've been to a couple parties lately. The way people talk to their dogs is a big one. Yeah, I hate that. They don't just talk to their dogs. That way, they talk to children like their babies. And if you don't stop that, if you don't stop that, they will continue to talk like babies into adulthood.

I have a friend. The children? The children. I have a friend who, man, I can't even say her name, but. You could just make up a name. Well, I can't because the way they used to pronounce it was specific. Okay, Sarah. They would call her Sayo-wee.

Sarah Tits-enormous. All right. They would call her Say-wee. And they would baby talk her so much. They didn't stop baby talking her until she was like eight or nine years old. And so she never got out of that phase of talking like a baby. For real, even into adulthood, she has a speech impediment. It's a speech impediment.

She has that because her parents continue to infantilize her way into, way past the age that most people stop, which should be never. Yeah, my sister doesn't, she's got a hard line against infantilism talking to her kids, like they're putting wise on everything. Yeah, it don't. It's like a thought virus. Like when they get exposed to it a little bit, they just immediately incorporate it, and that's how they refer to everything. It's very weird seeing it work. Like, you really have to totally quarantine them from it because the mind is ready to adapt it. Well, essentially, if you bring a child into this world, it's a fresh mind learning the language, right?

And if they learn to speak a certain way, the child's mind doesn't know whether you're talking to them in an accent or whether you're talking to them like an infant. whatever way you're speaking to them is what they're going to learn and pick up. So if you talk to your child like a baby, it's going to learn to speak like a baby, idiots. And I don't know if this is just a problem that I have because of the parties I've been going to, but I've been going to parties with adults, like 30-year-olds, who as an activity, want to sit around in color, in coloring books. Wait a minute, there was something in the news about this, like a day camp for adults, where they would do exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah, it's really sick. I don't know what it is about me, but something visceral... You have fucked up friends, too. Your social circle is fucked because I do not have this experience. I'm not saying that as an insult. This is like an observation, because you're always bringing in these problems that you're exposed to, that I have...

Like, people coloring and coloring books, I've not been exposed to people wanting to do that. Sean, have you? No. Nobody I know does that. Yeah. Where do you mean these people? It might be because of the social circles that I hang out with sometimes, because I hang out with a lot of creative types.

I hang out with people who are creators. Oh, yeah, I hate that. People who create content on YouTube, people who are podcasters, people who are movie makers, and people who have creative. And then I hang out with a lot of people who are in the comic book realm. So maybe it has something to do with that. And then cosplayers, that's another big one. A lot of the cosplayers are really stuck in this infantilism mode. And ultimately, it's destructive.

I think that the ultimate destructive form of infantilism is Michael Jackson. He's the ultimate adult infant, right? He never got out of that phase. And look at him. His sex life was a mess. He had, I mean, even to the point where during a Barbara Walter's interview, one of the top questions that she was asked to ask Michael Jackson was whether or not he was a virgin. Because people weren't even sure if that guy had ever been laid because of the way that he acted in the world.

It was weird, though. Yeah, people called him. it a weirdo, but ultimately it's adult infantilism, and it's because probably he had stunted growth, because he never got to have a childhood. But maybe, but I think that the infantilism

that we're dealing with today is completely different than Michael Jackson's. I mean, Michael Jackson, for all his faults, may have been a victim of his upbringing, but this is from a website called up. He was molested, wasn't he? I don't think there's evidence of that. I don't know about that. I mean, Joe Jackson beat the shit

out of all of them. Oh, okay. But that doesn't lead to infantilism necessarily. It leads to potentially other psychological issues, but this is from Flavorwire. Flavorwire.com, it's an article they wrote. They're talking about this philosopher, this modern philosopher.

Her name is Susan Neiman. She wrote a book called Why Grow Up, in which she suggests that millennials need a dose of enlightenment philosophy. This is from the website to say, Emmanuel Kant, is it Kant or Kant? It's Kant, right? Immanuel Kant famously pitched the Enlightenment as man's emergence from his self-imposed

immaturity. Without this, Neiman warrants, society risks caving into bellicosity. It may not be an accident, Neiman writes, that Peter Pan was published shortly before the First World War. So she's suggestion that this could have far-reaching implications in society. Unconditional,

so she talks about this thing called unconditioned status. It's a tranquil inactivity and constant state of peace that comes when all questions about the world have obvious answers. That's how a child thinks, in black and white, Good or bad. Everything has an obvious answer to it.

Basically, this article go on, basically the unconditioned results in the sort of childlike, carefree glee that comes about when one's imagination can resolve any logistical dilemma. One feature of the unconditioned, a sign of immaturity, is that humans in this state cannot distinguish between the way the world is and the way that it ought to be. I would agree with Neiman that this lack of distinction characterizes much of millennial culture. Oh, are you shitting on millennials now? Well, I think it has a lot to do with it. I think millennials are, for a large part, infantilized. Yeah, I mean, I don't know about that. Well, just look at Reddit.

Most of the top voted threads on Reddit are just arts and crafts projects that people took some piece of childhood from their nostalgia and then made it into some pot or pillowcase or quilt or blanket or some fucking thing, a trinket of some item. and then it's idolized, it's cherished. They think that this is somehow productive or good or something.

They make it part of themselves. Look, liking things is fine. We were just talking about this. My friend and I, we went down to Disney World, not the resort, but the Disney World Town, Downtown Disney. That's the one. And we were talking about how it's kind of sick, how some of these adults go there, just as adults, and just become children, because you can go to Disneyland and have fun and like it. like you're saying dick, but when it becomes part of your identity, that's when it becomes a problem.

That's when it becomes infantilism. Okay, so this is being said by a guy who wears mostly video game t-shirts. Right. How am I supposed to reconcile that? Well, I'm not an infant. I wear it because it's part of my aesthetic and I appreciate the artwork style. That's different. You can appreciate art.

That's different than the crafts on Reddit? Because I've seen some crafts, and it looks like a lot of craftsmanship. Like it's like, it's almost like the craft is so good That the nostalgia part is Just irrelevant to it Like somebody will pixel paint an entire room Like the first level of Mario I was like, oh, okay, that's pretty cool style

That you did that, I get it, that's cool I don't think that they are appreciating the art So much is making it part of their identity I think that there's a difference And you can tell these people, you can tell who they are Because when I'm wearing my video game shirts I'm an adult wearing a video game shirt because I appreciate the art style, I appreciate the aesthetic,

and I appreciate the work that went into it. But it's not part of my identity. It used to be. When I was 16 years old and I started my website back in 1997, I wrote about video games and I wrote about cartoons that were definitely a part of my identity. In fact, my name Maddox comes from an anime. That is an intricate, intrinsic part of my identity,

online and offline, right, at that time. It no longer is. I haven't watched that cartoon in ages. I don't identify with it. It's pretty cool, but it's not part of my identity. That's an important distinction. What about collecting toys and action figures? Is that infantilizing?

It can be. It depends on why you collect them. There's a wide range of collectors out there. Some of them collect them for nostalgia. Some of them collect them for money as an investment. Some of them collect them as aesthetic. They like to have them around, and I would probably fall into the latter category.

A little bit of aesthetic and also the collector aspect. It's fun to collect sometimes. Because people collect toys. people collect stamps, people collect bottle caps, people collect lots of things. But if it becomes part of your identity and you start to eat cereal and sit around in pajamas as an adult and then, I don't know, go to parties in color and books. Yeah, that's weird. Disgusting. I have a visceral reaction to that.

And I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because when I see an adult, I think that there's some element of sexual maturity there. And if I see them coloring, it suggests stunted psychological growth. and I feel uncomfortable about that. I know exactly what you mean. It takes her down about all the notches. Yeah. It's like, wow, the girl's really hot.

Yeah, oh, my God. She's really young in the head. Yeah, I really don't like that. It makes me really uncomfortable. And if they were actually emotionally stunted or they had some learning disability, that would be another thing. But these are adults I know who don't fall into that category.

I met this girl at a party one time. She has her master's degree. and in a very specific field, it's kind of a sciencey field, right? She's very smart, very charismatic, and outgoing, and I thought this chick is pretty cool. Saw her at the next party, she was coloring in a coloring book. Well, absolutely shattered my image of her and what I thought of her. And it's not just the judgment of her choice of hobbies, right? Okay.

Because where do video games fit into that? Well, it depends. Again, like some people play video games, like some of these speedrunners I've been, watching on Twitch, they are competitive. Which you have a Twitch channel, you should not forget to mention that. What, Dick? What are you implying here? That you've pitched it on every episode since you opened it. Which I support.

Look, man, I don't give a shit. It's kind of, like, it's pretty much capped off. I'm not really promoting. I have not even mentioned Twitch on Facebook. I don't give a shit. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Okay. But I do want to know where video games fits into this because I grew out of them. Like, I don't enjoy them the same as I used to. I just don't.

I do because I've always appreciated the challenge. of a video game. I've always appreciated the escape of a video game. And it's not that... Escape, I'll give you. Yeah. It's challenging and it's fun, and it's an escape, and it's interesting to see the different art styles and video games and so on and so forth.

But if you are playing video games as with a mindset of a baby or a child where you are pretending, you know, that's the other problem that I have with this. Sometimes people play video games, not because they like them, but because they want to identify with a child. Really? Yeah. They say that they're young at heart or a child at heart. That is code for phony. Yeah.

Piece of shit. Faker. I can sniff them out a mile away. Hmm. Yeah. Well, I don't like when, I don't like when people act like, I could just say girls. I don't like when girls act like they're in high school. Like they're always keeping tabs and their friends like all the time.

It's really painfully obvious. when they haven't grown out of that? I don't know if that's the infantilism that you're talking about. Not quite, because at least high school shows an age of maturity. I'm talking specifically the mindset of a child, like an eight-year-old. And this happens? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know what, Dick?

This is like the Vine Stars problem, which you're not familiar with Vine Stars, so it's really hard to explain what it's like. Well, I know what a Vine is. No, but you got to, it's a totally different beast, man. No, no, no. I'm not talking about Vine as a platform, but I just came back from VidCon last weekend. and it has just gotten worse. I went to VidCon two years ago,

and there were a lot of YouTube celebrities, and again, quotes around that, the word celebrities, but they were walking around and all these people were taking pictures of them because they're supposedly famous people online. This time at VidCon, there were more cameras pointed at themselves than there were of other people.

Everyone at VidCon was a star. Oh, is they recording themselves for their channel or whatever? Yeah. I even overheard some guy standing by the bathroom who was saying, he was recording in his vlog or Periscope or whatever the fuck, he was saying, well, not many people have recognized me, so I'm just going to hang out by the bathroom

and wait until someone recognizes me. That was his goal. Just these vine stars. Yeah. Entitled shaheads. Anyway, infantilism, I think when you realize it, you'll agree. I also just want to add this one last thing.

It also, there's a type of infantilism called paraphylic infantilism. It's a sexual fetish that involves role-playing, a regression to an infant-like state including drinking from a bottle or even wearing diapers. Dipers? Yeah.

And Sixthal just... That's a bad one. Can you imagine having to tell a girl that? Like, if you were really into that, like how to broach that one? That'd be tough. I can't even imagine the mindset it would take to have to do that.

Yeah. What an asshole. Because girls are very open to stuff, I feel like. Like, when they want to bang you... Well, not all of them, But when they're invested in you, they're open to weird shit like that.

But man, that would be a weird conversation to have. Yeah. Well, I just want to end of this one last point. Sexologist John Money says in his book, Love Maps, he describes paraphylic infantilism as a possible adjunctive to masochistic discipline and humiliation.

So people get off on this in a way of, I guess, as masochism. And that's kind of the consensus of psychologists. Hmm. Yeah. It's pretty weird. So why is it a problem? this? I mean, everything I just described. But that's all like annoying. How does it become

a problem? Dick, I specifically mention how it's a problem in that it shows emotional immaturity and a lack of ability to cope with problems and challenges in life. But what impact on society? Yeah, what's the impact? I mean, how widespread is it? Hey, I'm just trying to help you out, Mr. Negative 2000. How is this a problem? Is people getting off wearing diapers? People who are not able to cope with stresses and pressures

and challenges in society are not equipped to go to war for us. They're not equipped to save us. They're not equipped to... They're not survivors. They're not breeders. I want breeders in our society to be hard-asses. I want Apex Predators getting off and having babies, baby.

That's what I want. I don't want a bunch of pussies and sissy-foot sitting around coloring books. You're not prepared to have a child if you're sitting there coloring in a coloring book. Because it's not... You're not going to be an adult role model to your child. You're going to be just another kid to them. And kids aren't equipped to raise kids. Even Peter Pan at the end of the fucking book

decided to, you know, hang his hat, didn't he? Peter Pan? Yeah. No, that was the Robin Williams version where he grew up. Yeah. The real Peter Pan went back to Neverland. Yeah, Neverland. And ironically, what Michael Jackson called his ranch, Neverland.

I don't think that was ironic. It named it after that. Well, coincidentally, then, that is the ultimate destructive form of infantilism, Michael Jackson's life. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Bravo.

What's your problem? My problem is hunting cry babies. Oh, hunting cry babies. I know. I know what this has to do with. And I was going to bring this in, Dick. It's a good problem. Let's hear it.

Yeah, it's this fucking Cecil the Lion thing. Yeah. So there's a famous lion. There's a famous lion on the Internet, Sean. I'm sure you don't know about this guy. Did you know about Cecil the Lion? It's on the front page of every news site. How could I know?

not know about that. He got his ass killed. Cecil the lion got shot by a hunter. And, excuse me, shot by a bow, a crossbow, not with a gun, right? So this was my experience with this. This was my exposure to this. I log on the Reddit or the internet, and I see, we got to kill this guy, right?

The headline is, a guy who's worse than Hitler kills an animal, a famous animal, right? Was that the literal headline? I don't, I think it was. I mean, that sounds a little bit all like hyperbole, but there's just enough. It's hyperbole, but that's what they all, that's what they're saying. I mean, that's what they're saying.

And every, that's the worst part about these guys. They're always saying, but not saying something. Like, every commenter on the internet who's talking about Cecil, the lion getting shot, is suddenly like a mob boss. Yeah. They're like, you know, I'm not saying he should get, I'm not saying I want to kill this guy, but I am saying if something unfortunate would have happened to him, you know, I wouldn't shed a tear. It's like, well, you're just saying that you would.

one him killed, you're just saying it. You're just, you're, you're that person. Like, you are now that person on the internet issuing death threats. It doesn't matter semantically how you phrased it. You got your point across. Everyone is Johnny Law on Reddit. Everyone is Johnny Law on the internet. Oh, on Facebook.

They're suddenly Matlock, ready to try and execute this guy. This guy for, okay, he poached the line. That's bad, right? He didn't poach him. He shot him. No, he poached him. Well, see, here, what, were you there? He paid his 50 grand to go on a hunting expedition in Africa,

which in my estimation, I don't give a fuck how many singular animals they are killing to put $50,000 into Africa. That's all they have to export. From their point of view, letting a rich entitled hunting hobbyist come into their country and drop, I don't know, how many meals and water pumps and vaccines and solar flowers can that buy? Probably a lot. It can probably help them more than a lion. Yeah, Dick, so that's the argument that I made not for the Cecil the Lion case, because that's not what happened here. With the previous girl, there was that previous outrage where a girl went to Africa and she hunted Wild Game, but she did it legally.

She paid her correct fees and her correct dues, and she paid. And that does go into preservation. Every one of those animals that she kills, the money that she pays for that licensing fee, which I think for a rhino is upwards of $100,000 to $300,000, that goes into preservation efforts. And they create, excuse me. God forbid it would go into humanitarian efforts. Well, that too. God forbid we just give 100% to humans and fuck the animals, right?

Well, no. Why not? Because I think there's ecologically speaking. There are people there. Who cares about the animals that are there? There are people. Yeah. Well, ecologically speaking, to have a diverse ecology is beneficial to everyone.

And those people... I mean, this is for you, not in the country saying that. I just want to make that absolutely clear. Dick, I'm on board with this whole problem. I just want to say that from the outset here. This guy in particular, though, is not one of these guys who was paying into the system. Here's what happened in what I've found. He put his 50 grand in.

He hires his guide or whatever. The guides driving him around through the hunting preserve. Now, this is where it gets sketchy. Somebody lured the lion out of the preserve with a carcass of some kind. Yeah. Who knows if the dentist did this or knew about this? Then, when the lion got into the hunting area, Dennis shoots him. Right?

That's it. That's it. That's all we know. Is that true or false? True. I don't know that, Dick. That may be his version of events. What I read online was that he was with the crew, with the carcass on the vehicle.

Of course, but what does he know? Like, oh, so what? He automatically knows that they're trying to lure a lion out of a protected territory? Just because he's there with a carcass? Trolling a carcass is what you do to hunt sharks also. Right. It seems like a smart move. Well, of course, yeah, but I think the problem, again, Dick,

the distinction here is that this guy paid some corrupt official or not just some corrupt guy. He wasn't an official part of the Game Licensing Agency. So what he should have researched him more? Yes, the game licensing agency in Zimbabwe you can buy proper

permits to go hunting these animals but it sounds like this guy just bribed somebody to go shoot this lion. According to whom, internet commenters? Like this guy has not said any of the things that you're saying. This poor dentist who's business whose place of work is now destroyed by people

who are upset that a famous lion got shot. Yeah. Right? And famous is very important here. Yeah, he shot the wrong lion. He shot the wrong lion. It's a non-story if he didn't shoot that one. Because the Zimbabweans or whatever they're called don't give a fuck that the lion was shot because to them lions are predators.

Yeah. Because they live in huts. Yeah, I did read an article about how they are attacked by lions. Their elderly are killed by lions, the lions kill their own game and their hunt and et cetera, et cetera. But it's not just that it was a famous lion. That has a lot to do with why everyone's talking about it. I think it's 100% that it was famous.

No, because the girl, again, the girl who went, there was that big kerfuffle on the internet back when that girl went on that hunting expedition. And I think she killed a lion as well, or she killed a giraffe and she killed a rhinoceros and some of these other things. But she defended herself, and rightly so, because she said that she said that she said that She pays those fees, and those fees go into preservation efforts. So, and those preservation efforts, by the way, create tourism, ecotourism. A lot of tourists go there to their country, and they spend money trying to take pictures of those animals.

And that tourism dies off if those animals die off. So if you want to make the case that it helps the villagers, that's fine, but so does ecotourism. And not having those animals there will be much worse to their long-term economy than having them there. Yeah, I don't think anyone commenting on this issue is thinking about the long-term economic benefits of ecological tourism in Zimbabwe. I think they're just pissed off that their pet lion got shot. Yeah. Well, their anthropomorphized, majestic hero lion that they've loved forever got killed. Yeah.

Because, and they always, they go right for the attack. The first fucking comments, even Schwarzenegger's ass, posts this on Twitter, oh, what do you feel like a? tough guy now? Do you feel macho now that you killed a lion? Does that make you feel like a man? Like, where is that coming from? Why is it, it's satisfying to kill something? Of course. That's what's

been in our DNA for millions of years. Of course it is. Of course it's satisfied. Where does, where does this, like, immediately attacking him for wanting to be manly? Like, do you see how much projection that is? Like, oh, you're only doing this so you can feel like a man? No, it's just a, it's a, it's a hobby.

It's exactly the same as a video game. Like you, it's satisfying to kill things, to stalk them, and go, and I'm not a hunter. Like, I've never been hunting, but I can see how it would be satisfying. Dick, I'm not defending this guy only because it sounds like what he did was poaching. And, and I'm not defending this guy because he's not defending himself. Fuck this guy. Just like the... Sorry what? Say that again?

I'm not defending this guy because he's not defending himself, so fuck him. I'm not defending this guy because he's not defending himself because I think that he knows what he did is unjustifiable. He... They defend yourself against a mob. Well, hold on. Who's ruining your dental practice? Well, I mean... That supports your family.

That's a totally different argument. I'm against that mob rule as well. And I think in this case, it's unjustified. I agree that the mob is wrong here, but I also think that the dentist is wrong. But to an extent... With no facts, though. Well, I mean, there's some... The facts that he's done it before doesn't mean that he did it this time.

Well, that's true, but it builds a character case. Do we not even have time to get in the faxes? We need to decide immediately how to punish it. this man because in two days we'll forget about it again. So we better decide right now while our tempers are hot before any other facts get in. Yeah, that's the mob rule problem. And I think that's a huge problem. I think it's a little bit different than this, though.

But that is a big problem with this case specifically. The problem I had with this one is that all these vegetarians took it as an opportunity to shit on everyone who's not a vegetarian. They used it as a platform to push their agenda. And they did it with the following snarky messages. is, hey, all you people who have a problem with Cecil the Lion getting shot, you should be vegetarians, otherwise you don't have

a right to bitch about it. That's totally true. No, absolutely not. Why is it not? A cow is exactly this. How is a cow any different than a lion? No, first of all... How is killing 80 million cows every year

different than killing a lion? Because, Dick, the cows were raised for slaughter. They're palatable. They're raised for our consumption, and we bred them to be that way. Not like the wild lions roaming out into, in the prairies, in the savannas. What's difference?

I just explained it. It's satisfied. to eat meat. It's satisfying to kill a lion. What is the difference? The difference is that one is an endangered species and one is not. One is bred to be killed, one is not. And also the other difference is, Dick, that vegetarians, to eat their

sanctimonious diets still are contributing to the death of billions of animals. Those threshers, those wheat and soy threshers that they use, those machines that they use to harvest all the crops that vegetarians eat, guess what? They're sucking up snakes, rabbits, skunks, possums,

squirrels, chipmunks, birds, even deer, countless animals get sucked up into these machines to make your diet. So the sanctimony, fuck off with your hypocrisy. That's my problem with that. Well, which side are you coming in on then? You think the vegetarians are wrong for criticizing people who are meat eaters for criticizing a guy who killed an animal? Yes. So none of them are right.

None of them are right. But at least the vegetarians, I mean, at least they're trying not to. to kill things. Doesn't matter. That's a bullshit. I hate that argument so much. I hate it when they say they're trying not to kill things. Guess what?

When you're ignorant, that's an excuse because you're ignorant, right? But once I've told vegetarians that you're no longer ignorant, your diet is contributing to the death of billions of animals. They're no longer ignorant, right? They can no longer stand behind that excuse. They can eliminate their contribution to the dead animals down to zero if they planted and pick their own crop. But then they say, well, that's too inconvenient for their lifestyle.

Well, guess what, Dickhead? Sometimes it's too inconvenient for our lifestyles to be a vegetarian. If you're going to make that argument, where do you draw the line in the sand? What's the level of convenience that we should inconvenience ourselves? How many animals are okay to kill? Tell me that number, Dickhead. There's no fucking vegetarian authority. All of them?

Then how come they're killing billions of animals? It's bullshit, man. They're just thinking, oh, because I kill a third less animals than you, I'm better, I'm morally righteous? Well, guess what? What if someone comes along and they say, I kill one less animal than you? Are they then more morally righteous? Fuck you, man, you can't. No, it's not, it's all or nothing.

You can't kill one human being and say you're a good guy because you didn't kill 10. You're still a dick. Yeah. One maybe, one may be, no. When you're drawing that moral distinction, you're either a murderer or not. It's binary. You have murdered or you have not.

Yeah, but if you did it in an abstract way, you're not as bad. I mean, that's just the way morality works. Well, you say that. I mean, there's clearly a case to be made that that's not the case. Well, that's the way society works. If you set the speed limit to 15 miles an hour, there'd be less deaths. Therefore, setting it at 55 or 75 causes more deaths. You caused more deaths.

But if you're saying that... You're not as bad as a murderer. If you're saying that you're doing it in an abstract way, you're not as bad. Then you just undermine your own argument because you're saying that meat eaters then are doing it in an abstract way. They are. You're not... Okay, then you're just as culpable as a vegetarian. Sorry, I'm just as culpable as a vegetarian.

You're no different than a vegetarian. If you were saying that meat eaters kill their animals in an abstract way, and you're saying that vegetarians kill their animals in an abstract way... I don't think meat eaters kill animals in an abstract way. You got the meat, you got a burger sitting in front of you. You don't know where that came from? Came from a fucking cow. Yeah, but you got a piece of bread sitting in front of you.

Don't know where that came from? Came from a field that killed lots of animals. Yeah, you made that point. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know why you're bringing that up again. Because that moral relativism that's going on between vegetarians saying that they are, are more morally righteous for not killing you know, six billion animals as opposed

to three, I think that that's complete horseshit. And by the way, that doesn't account for the plant life that they're killing. Like, it's just speciism. Which I'm in favor of. At least I'm honest about it. Vegetarians who eat plants are speciest

because they think that they deserve to live more than the plant life they're killing. They think that their life is more important than the plants they're killing. And meat eaters are no different except they also think that their lives are more important than the animals are killing. Oh boy, I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. You don't like vegetarians, I get it.

Well, that's my problem with this lion thing is the vegetarian angle. Which is... This guy's a poacher, dick. I'm pretty sure this guy's a poacher. If he wasn't defending himself... I mean, you get that with no evidence. Well, that's what I read. The guy's story...

The guy not defending himself against a mob is enough for you to convict him. No. Based on what I read on CNN, I read on CNN that this guy paid a corrupt official $50,000. They found the official. And two of them have been arrested. Hey, hey, who's corrupt around here? No.

I want to kill a lion who's corrupt. There are shady fly-by-night organizations online that you can pay for a permit. That's a fake permit. You know it's a fake permit. Oh, you know. He knew. Where you go? I mean, there you go.

He's not defending himself. And also, two of these guys were arrested. These Zimbabwean officials he supposedly paid, they're arrested. What does that mean? That means that obviously they weren't official. the the the the permits that the girl bought hers from those guys weren't arrested

well they were on the up and up right I assume right I don't know right that's why I don't think that this is exactly the same as the course it's not the same it was illegal whatever they did was illegal that's why it's a big fucking problem

that's why everyone's on their high horse convicting this poor bastard when I I don't know what he did and I don't care I don't care I don't think anybody I don't think there's an ounce of altruism in the in the of anybody who has a problem with it.

Like, they just want him dead. Yeah, I agree. I totally agree on that point. And it's exactly the same as the people who wanted that girl dead who did it legally. They don't give a shit whether it was illegal or not. They don't give a shit about ecoterrorism. They just don't

want things killed because they think they're next. I'll agree on that point. They think that, they see something and they love it. They because they project the stupid anthropomorphic shit on it. They look at that lion and they project their fucking dads onto it, and when they see it die, it causes them pain because they feel weak.

They think they're next. It's their shitty way of dealing with their own mortality. That's why they get so pissed off. Fuck all of them. Also Disney, I think people like the Lion King. So they, as soon as it's Cecil the Lion, they anthropomorphize it, like you said. Sean, do you want to say that word? Anthropomorphic. I can say it this week. But yeah, Dick, I agree on that point. I think that the mob who is mad at this dentist, don't give a fuck about all. altruism. They don't give a fuck about lions. They don't give a shit about anything. I don't care about the facts either. They just want the satisfaction

of impuging someone and going after someone with a pitchfork. I totally agree with that. They want the satisfaction of killing something. Wow! That sounds familiar, doesn't it? And by the way, these vegetarians who are getting old haughty and saying that you're not allowed to feel sympathy for this lion, they say you're not allowed

almost as if it's a joy to feel righteous indignation. It is. You're not allowed to feel this sense of righteous indignation against somebody or something, it's reserved. This joy is reserved. They have exclusive monopoly because they're vegetarians. Fuck you,

man. Who gives a fuck if it's endangered, by the way? I would like one logical reason why it's important to protect the species versus getting money into an economy. You mean beyond the ecological diversity? Like, what is this, Pokemon? We've got to have all

the species. We've got to have all the things. Who fucking cares? Like, really, who cares? No, dick. It's biologists care. I will make a case that ecological diversity is good for biology, because when you eliminate a population from a biology, it has unpredictable effects on that ecology. Oh, yeah, Africa might become a huge shithole, right? If all the lions are killed, oh, my God, watch out.

No, but there's imperceptible ways that when you eliminate an entire species from the food chain, it does. Like, you might see an explosion in a certain type of predator or pest that the lions were keeping in check. Right, exactly. That's the argument is that a lion is an apex predator, right? They prey on things that are lower on the food chain. Yeah, grass eaters or whatever. Now there's a huge influx of grass eaters.

They eat all the land barren where farmers can't grow crops anymore. I mean, that's the argument against them. Well, I'm so glad the Internet's full of all these brilliant biologists than that they can track that down. I just want to add this, though, Dick. The industry of trophy hunting is doing more for preservation. than all these bitching shit tards on the internet crying and moaning and trying to kill this guy, this dentist,

who, by the way, I heard even a celebrity tweeted his address. Fuck you, man. It sounds about right. It was Mia Farrow. Mea Farrow. Fuck her, man. She's not a celebrity. That's fucking bullshit.

How about we treat Mia Farrow's address? See how she likes death threats at her house? That's fucking bullshit. You don't tweet people's addresses. You don't post their phone numbers. That's fucking garbage. That's crossing the line. But this ecotourism and trophy hunting has done more for preservation.

because guess what happens to old lions in the wilderness? We haven't discovered any because they die. Any lion, antelope, gazelle, rhinoceros, elephant, giraffe, when they get old, they get killed by a predator in the wild. That's why it's called the wild because it's every animal for themselves. They fend for themselves. Some of these ecotourism, excuse me, some of these trophy hunting outfits, they take you specifically to kill old animals that are going to die pretty soon anyway.

So at least they get... Better preventing younger males from mating. Did you know that? Yeah, that's true. They'll box, they can't produce offspring anymore, but they do want to bang and they do want to possess the broads in the pack, so they'll drive the younger males away so they can't make with them. If they can't do that, though. If they can't do that, then they get killed by the younger males.

There are no old animals in the wild. You go to a zoo and you'll see an old tiger, an old monkey, or an old lion. That's because they're kept in captivity and they are taken care of. But in the wild, as soon as you're old, as soon as you can't run as fast, as soon as you're not as powerful enough to catch your prey, then you're going to get killed. And those animals that get killed in the wild bring in zero revenue to Africa.

They just die. So it's better that we have a trophy hunter that brings in $100,000 to that community, so it helps conservation efforts, dickheads. I did know that, but I did, I read that with lions, it's not the case. Like with lions, the new line will come in and kill

all of the sired cubs. They do because they want their bloodline. Yeah, so it's actually really bad, specifically for lions, the lion species. Like, it's not about conversive. Because that's true for like giraffes and, I don't know, rhinocerosauruses or whatever else, but it's not true for lions. But I don't, I don't fucking care.

It's their resource to determine what they're going to do with it. It's none of our business. And while we're sitting here, pumping poison into the air, like, every day, I think that the moral high ground was lost. Like, our decadent society, throws away enough food to feed the entire world, and we're telling them how they can monetize their animals? Fuck you.

Fuck off. I don't care where he shot it. Fuck you. With a crossbow, not a gun. Sure. Yeah, man, I agree. I just wish this guy hadn't done it under such shady conditions, because then I could make the case for trophy hunting,

helping the economy. It's kind of like, you know, Milo Manera, who created that Spider-Woman, cover, right? The Spider Woman Ass cover, the alternate cover that everyone had a shit fit about. He defended himself. He said, this is not a sexual cover, blah, blah, blah, blah. Something similar

happened with a DC comic. Someone created a variant cover where... Joker's killing... Got a gun A girl's head. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, I think it was Batwoman, and they said that it was crossing the line, and it was... Yeah, it was very weird. And so the artist, uh, kowtowed to the pressure, and then all these...

And he pulled the cover, he recalled the cover because of the complaints he got. And all these people hit me up on Twitter. They're like, hey, Maddox, why don't you write a thing about this, just like you did for the Spider- Woman's ass? And I said, no, fuck this guy. If he's not going to defend himself, I'm not going to do it for him. I'm not going to fight this guy's battles. You stand up for what you believe in.

If this guy did it righteously, I think we'd be hearing a different story in the news. I think that that's the slight distinction, I think, in this one. Oh, man. Yeah. That really annoys me. That you expect him to give a defense against millions of people wanting to kill him.

Fuck that. Here's the thing, man. The difference between millions of people wanting to kill you because he did something wrong, and the difference between millions of people wanting to kill somebody who is at least defending himself. I mean, people didn't shit down OJ's neck until at least after the verdict as much as they did before.

I mean, some people thought he did it before, but after the verdict, oh my gosh, he stopped defending you know, but OJ. This is not a celebrity. This guy is not OJ Simpson. This is the first time he's, I don't even know if he has a Reddit account or a Twitter account. He'd have to learn what those are to figure out

the things that everybody's saying, but not saying about him. Yeah. Should be shot, but, you know, you know, I also think there's too much gun violence. Yeah. And, but if there ever was a justifiable case

for gun violence, this would be it. It's like, congratulations, you're part of the problem. It's, where to go. It's such an old world, medieval, pitchfork crowd, dipshit mentality. They just want to feel righteous anger.

That's all this is. Yeah. Good problem, Dick. Yeah, it really annoys me. Yeah, Dick. I guess if it comes out that this guy wasn't poaching, then I'll try. changing my stance a little bit, because then he's totally justified, guys, it helps the economy,

it helps lions in the long run. Yeah, I don't think it helps lions in the long run, but I also don't care if he was boaching. So, Dick, you know, I had a problem with infants, well, infantalism, but they're a type of infant. You know what another type of ant is? Ants. Finally. Ants. Ants and AIDS. Those are the two big problems I always talk about at the time of the show. I hope you do a better job with ants than you did it with AIDS. I hope so too, buddy. Because I hate ants.

I fucking hate ants. Oh, good. I grew up on an ant hill, man. Where I grew up is one giant, I don't know, cubic 20 miles of fucking ant hill. They're everywhere. They ruin grass. They ruin sitting. Like, they just, they crawl all over everything.

It's like the gray goo problem with nanobots, but ants. They ruin lives. They pinch your cheeks, ants. Jesus Christ Whatever I thought that was a good joke Okay Dick Ants

The number one suggestion on Google When you type how to get rid of Is ants Number one You know what number two is Mexicans No Just a reminder

Dick is Mexican That joke is okay Half Mexican It's half okay Yeah Just the good half Yeah you're right His left half

Oh. You know what the number two result is? It's how to get rid of carpenter ants. Oh, another type of ant. Another type of ant. So ants are so bad, they are both the number one and number two search result when you type in how to get rid of. Then it's acne, lice, bed bugs. Ants are worse than all these things.

Worse than acne? Worse than acne. Oh, fuck. Worse than acne scars. Worse than hiccups. Your problem, dick. Vote down hiccups. Vote up ants.

Well, you don't need to vote down hiccups. You can just vote up ants. Okay, vote up ants. asshole. Then, how to get rid of a cough, how to get rid of fleas, and how to get rid of cramps. Crams are not as bad as ants, apparently. Oh. Yeah.

Crams are not as, I would rather have a cramp than an ant. You'd rather have a menstrual cramp than an ant? I think so. I could have menstrual cramps all day. Yeah, it's true. I'd rather have that, though, because ants are so hard to get rid of. They're impossible. Yeah.

Ants raid your food storages. They damage your housing. They damage crops, and they bite you. They bite your dick off. Well, they bite you in the dick at least. Maybe you're a dick off. I don't know. Their ability to adapt makes it nearly impossible

to eliminate entire colonies. There's a 13-page article on reedgersdigest.com on how to get rid of pests, these ants. The first suggestion is to create a moat around a food source made out of adhesive tape. You've got to create a moat of tape around a food source to bait the ants into coming in there. Chalk. Chalk will work too.

If you draw a chalk outline around you, they can't cross it. Like whatever, their chemicals can't cross over it. They're like the vampires of the insect world. No, but that's true. Actually, chalk is on this list. See, I told you I grew up on an ant hill. I hate them. Boric acid is also supposed to help. But you have to spray boric acid along all the cracks in your house. But boric acid is toxic.

If you have dogs or cats, it's pretty toxic to them. Or even kids, infants. Another kind of ant. you can use flour I guess flowers don't like to cross a trail of flour They say flour

For a number of reasons First so you can see If they do cross it It leaves a trail Oh But then second Ants don't like to cross Flower for some reason

And then they also suggest pouring boiling water On an ant hill That's supposed to help Oh that's not gonna fuck work No no way Because there's One gallon of ant hill

Good luck Yeah good luck You've got a real big ant problem If you can fix it By pouring a tea kettle of boiling water down it. Ants are disgusting creatures that live in giant colonies.

They're kind of like, you know, you know what I bet ants do in their spare time? They probably color in coloring books. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. It's tying it back. And so here's the thing. Here's why that tea kettle thing won't work with ants. Because

they did this experiment, I think, in Australia, where they poured, they pumped a bunch of cement down an ant hole, right? An ant hill. To see the structure of an ant colony. So they poured all the cement down there, left it to settle for like two or three weeks. I thought that was aluminum. Might be a different thing, but I've seen it. Yeah, I've seen the aluminum one too. It might be the same one. It might be a mixture, but whatever.

They poured some cement, either cement or aluminum down this, this ant structure, right? And they found out that the structure is over 50 square meters long. It's 100 square feet. That's 164 square feet, this ant hill. And I'll post the video on the website, but this is, an incredible structure. It's so huge and disgusting. It looks like the mother brain from Metroid. You know, Metroid, my favorite female video game character. It looks like the mother brain from that.

This is from, I think this is from Wikipedia or Reader's Digest, I forget, but worker ants live from one to three years old, and queen ants can live up to 30 years. That means if you buy a house and get a 30-year mortgage, you might die before you get rid of your aunt problem. Yeah. You might not even pay off your house. them. You cannot get rid of ants. Oh, they're terrible. They're terrible insects. This is from Wikipedia. They say in some

parts of the world, mainly in Africa and South America, large ants, especially army ants, are used as surgical sutures. The wound is pressed to... Yeah, it's useful. I guess it's kind of useful, yeah. I mean, if you're in Africa and you don't have anything else, you just have ants. The wound is pressed together and the ants are applied along it. The ant seizes the edge of the wound in its mandibles and locks it in place. Yeah, that sounds pretty useful. dick, but if I'm suffering from a cut or a wound or a gash on my body, I think that there are a few things that are more close to a horror

hellscape than having ant mandibles hold me together. You know what, doctor, just put a bullet in my head. Send me out with Cecil the line. Let me fend for myself. The doctor probably doesn't have a bullet in these circumstances. Yeah. Then just whatever it is you guys do

to kill me, put me in a stute, like whatever it is, send me out into the wild, just let me have a final right of passage throw me off a cliff. I'm done. I don't want ant mandibles holding my wounds closed. I don't need it. I don't need to live that bad.

I'm good. I hate them. Yeah. Ants are a big problem. We're in agreement here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Have you ever had ants in your apartment?

In any of your apartments? No, not in my apartment because I live way too far off the ground. I'm trying to think. It was in the house where I grew up. It was ants. Like every, we had to wash every dish. We couldn't leave anything out because they would instantly be ants.

If there were anything in the pantry that was left open even a little bit, ants. Like, boom, these motherfuckers, you see their line coming in and that's it. Food ruined. They can carry something like 50 times their weight. They're really strong. They're the jocks of the insect world. Yeah. Ants. They are. Yeah, fuck those guys.

Serve me my french fries, buddy. That's all I want. you to do these ants, which I don't even eat because fries are garbage. Vote up fries. So would you be okay with poaching ants? Oh, absolutely. Wide-scale slaughter of ants. You know what? I'll tell you what I did. Here's my first experience with ants, really. Like, as a child, I'd always, you know, burn them with a magnifying glass or pick them up and put them in a molten pool of plastic because I'd burn melt army men. Right. One time I went, I was in my garden growing up at my parents' house. And we had this huge acre of property. We had a lot of, we had an orchard, and in that orchard we had these fire ants.

Fire ants are more aggressive than regular ants. They're kind of, they're red in color, and they're very aggressive, and they will bite you. Their sting isn't as bad as a bee sting, but pretty close. It's up there. So I went out there one time, and I was watching that they would build these giant ant hills in my backyard, and these things probably came up about a good foot off of the ground, above the surface, like huge ant hills. So I'd go down there, and I would fuck around with the ants.

I would, one day, I took a bunch of dirt and I just buried the end hill. Yeah. Went back to the next day, back exactly the way it was. Like, how the fuck? What do they just work all night? Fixing my mess? So then I decided rather than burying it, I was going to dig it. I was going to dig it out.

So I dug a huge hole. And then I came back the next day, the holes filled. They refilled the hole. They rebuilt their stupid little castle, right? Yep. So then I went back the next day with a bunch of firecrackers, and I just shoved them down that fucking. I'm like yeah, fuck you ants, blew the shit out of it.

It came back next day. I mean, this went on for like a week and a half. You can't kill them. No. I mean, I didn't have much to do. This was summer break in Utah. So what the fuck am I doing, right? So I went back there again. Finally, this time I dug a hole as deep as I could, poured a bunch of gasoline right down there and set it on fire.

I'm like, fuck these ants. And then I watched the ants, they would come out from the side of the hole that I built, right? Because their colony goes off to the left and to the right and forward and backward, right? So these ants were coming out into the Sarlac pit of hell that I created for them And they would fall right into the pit and I sat there watching these fuckers fall into my my fire pit for hours It was great It was a good time Well, not an hour total

But you know I didn't have enough gasoline I'm just a kid So I would vote up ants Yeah I don't know how high it should go though Yeah higher than AIDS I hope it is From AIDS to ants

They certainly inconvenience more people people. That's true. That's true. I assume. You know what, though? You know what, though, Sean? You know what's more inconvenient than having to deal with ants? Going to a funeral. That's a bummer. You got to get all dressed up and you got to, you know. All right. Is that it? I got a fast. I got a fast one because we're all at a time. Piss driblets. Piss driblets. When is the last time you wore khaki pants as a man and not worried about, and you weren't worried about piss driblets? Huge problem because when they dry, they leave behind that little white stings. Yeah, and it's worse than a piss dribblet at that point.

No. It's like a phantom, phantom cum spot. Yeah. It's come that could, it should be, you know what, look, if people are going to assume I have cum on my pants, I want it to be cum. Yeah. I don't want to be, I don't want to be chastised for having jizz stains when it's not jiz. Might as well be jizz.

If you think it's jiz, it might as well be jiz. I'm less embarrassed about a jiz stain, which I have accidentally done. Gross. Hey, it happens Then I am about piss driblets And this is, and we're in a warm climate Right? You go to like a cold climate Man, I'm shooting like a whole piss dream

Into my pants after going to the bathroom Why? Because it's cold What does that have to do with it? I don't understand Why do you piss, why do you have more piss dribblets in your pants after it's cold? I don't know, I was just assumed that my prostate didn't work the same in a cold temperature Is that, does no one else have this experience? No, no. What?

No. No. Oh shit, maybe I need to go to the doctor. Yeah. You got like snot for piss and cold clients? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, you go to the bathroom, like, let's say you're, I don't know, let's say you're skiing or something.

You're somewhere where it's very cold. And you've got some, like, enough so you've got like a significant amount of shrinkage. It's like where you've got like a slim gym for a dick at that point, you know, where you've got to work it just to get the pee out. Yeah, Dick, and can you tell all the ladies who are listening right now that there's shrinkage when it's cold? That's a normal thing. Everyone knows that. Well, it shrinks? Yeah, everybody knows. Come on, that's Seinfeld. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a frightened turtle. Yeah. Yeah. From Seinfeld, yeah. So, so that's the time that you dribble on yourself.

That's the time, yeah. Then you go to the bathroom in, like, that kind of atmosphere. And, man, as soon as you zip up, it's like, that's when the pissing starts. You know what I hate? That never happened to you? No, man. What? No. I pee just fine in the cold. But it's the after pee that I'm talking about. More pee comes out? Yeah, well, you know where piss dribbles happens. Like you're peeing, right? And you shake it off. And then you put your pants on and like, oh, God damn it. Like a little squirt of piss came out. Or it flicked off the tip or something. Yeah, no, I get it. That just doesn't happen to me more in the cold. No, it doesn't. That doesn't happen to me. You know, Dick, a long time ago I was talking to a friend in IRC called, I think his handle was the ghost. I can't even imagine he's listening at this point. But I think he's, I don't know if he came up with this, but he said, you can wiggle it. You can. You can. jiggle it, you can bang it against the wall, but until you put it in your pants, the last drop won't fall. And that's the fucking, that is the fucking truth. Here's something I noticed as an adult,

and I don't know, I don't know, maybe this, uh, I just didn't notice as a kid or maybe it didn't happen. But as an adult, sometimes when I, when I pee, I, uh, you know, if I'm sitting down, I'm pooping and I also take a leak, I put my pants up. Sure. Right? You get that last drop and it has this perfect line of sight access to my toes. It drops all the way through my, through my boxers. It misses my boxers. Oh, I know you're talking about. Yeah. And it hits your foot.

Yeah. And then you're looking down like you're some fucking Neanderthal pissing all over yourself. Yeah. I think to myself, in what situation would I ever have pee on my foot outside of the shower? Because I pee all over everything in the shower. Sure, it's good for you. It is.

Yeah. Kills athletes foot. It kills fungus. There is no fungus on my feet. How many guys you got in there pissing on you? Fuck you, dig. That's not funny. I mean, I got it.

I got these brand new khaki pants. I got them hemmed and tailored, and I was really happy to wear them. And the first time I go out in them, boom, piss triplets. I'm like, fuck, this is why I never wear khakis. Where are you going to your job at AT&T? You'd be going to be in AT&T?

I was trying to bring cackies back. I thought that they would look nice. They're already here, Dick, and they haven't left. Just go to the Midwest. If you go to Disneyland or Six Flags, you can tell the people who are visiting versus the people who are natives, because the people who are visiting, that's their uniform.

Cacky pants, khaki shorts, cargo shorts, blue shirt. That's everybody who comes to visit California. Well, that's my problem. Piss triplets. Which also, Dick, it's a big problem for women. I didn't know this until recently. Yeah, women won't go to the bathroom unless they can get at least one square of toilet paper because they want to wipe down there, I guess.

That makes sense. Yeah, they definitely want to wipe down there. Yeah, it gets old Gucci. It gets old Gucci. But the, that doesn't. help the kind of pistol that I'm talking about. Like even if you get the tip clean, more is still coming out. More's

just waiting. Waiting in the rafters to spring out as soon as you get that zipper up. Yeah, it saves a little in the shoot. Yeah. Fucking penis. Always working against you. You know, um, what I thought of recently Dick, this is a, I guess, I'll just want to add this to your story, but I was thinking, I was sitting around daydreaming about my

penis a while back. And I was thinking like, hoses. I was thinking about hoses and how, you know how when you turn on a garden hose. You can put your thumb over the tip and kind of squirt it really, really far. Right. Like high pressure. So I thought, I'm going to try that with my dick. Why haven't I never done that with my dick?

I could just kind of do that like a hose. Oh, did you find out the reason why you never done that? Oh, I sure did. Yeah. But I want to see if you think is the same reason. So I went in the shower. Show yourself in the face. No, no, Sean. I didn't shoot myself in the face. Stop fantasizing. I know you're thinking about it. So I went in the shower. I built up a good

piss, right? I drank like three cups of water. I'm like, I'm going piss everywhere. And so I got in the shower, I put my, I put my thumb over my pee hole and started peeing and it just hurt really bad. And I tried to pee harder. It just blocked myself, my pee stream. I try to pee harder and I can feel, I think my kidneys started hurt. Yeah. And I'm thinking, oh, this can't be good for me. So I finally started to pee and it just like stung when it came out because it'd been so backed up. Uh, awful, awful experience. So don't do it. Yeah. Don't do that. The reason is because your body can't build enough pressure for you to use it like a garden hose. Yeah.

Yeah. All the pressure that you should exert through your pee hole is all the natural pressure that you're, what is it, stomach, I guess? Bladder. Bladder. Yeah, but the muscles that contract the bladder. Is it just the bladder? I don't know. Whatever, I'm not a doctor.

I think there's a sphincter holding it in and you've got to relax that and that's how you pee. I don't think it works like a whoopee cushion. Yeah. I found out the hard way. I just had a bunch of lukewarm piss in my hands. Oh, right. It was in a fun night. It was in the shit.

Shower, man. That's where you go to get clean, so it doesn't matter what you do. You do whatever you want in there. It kind of matters. What? If you're doing that stuff that that's weird. No. Come on. Girls love it.

They do love it. Yeah. They do love messing around with piss. Oh, they love it. Yeah. They like to dab some on their ears. No, I'm being serious. Me too.

They do love it. They dab it on their ears. Well, you know, it's a pheromone. Wait a minute. You get pheromones from your piss. So you've encountered women who do this? Put piss on their ears? I have read that some women do this.

Yeah, they put a little bit piss on their neck or whatever. Because it's erogenous. You smell those pheromones. You pee out pheromones, man. Oh, I really hope that that's not true. Uh-huh. All right, you got my problems. Hunting cry babies and piss driblitz.

And my problems were infantilism and ants. Big problem. Vote up ants. And infantilism. See you next Tuesday. While watching the live episodes about Dick and his tiny face Jesus Christ The thing is his face isn't small

He just has an abnormally large forehead In comparison to the rest of his face Well, how big is your fucking forehead? I mean, I'm not saying that's totally a bad thing He rocks it But it's not small face syndrome It's just five finger forehead syndrome It's not as...

But as no one else has really mentioned that before You can go fuck yourself And Dick you can join from behind I will do this voicemail All the chick down hot How many fingers did she say my forehead was? Five? Yeah, you're holding you have five fingers on your forehead.

I got four fingers from my eyebrows to my hairline. Yeah, that's four fingers. I mean, I'm a balding dude. I don't think I can fit that many fingers in my forehead. Yeah, you got like 18 hands high of a forehead, like a horse. I don't think so. You call me a horse. How dare you?

Look at that stupid fucking laugh. I got one more. Hi, I'm Maddoch, and I'm fucking awesome. However, even though I worked as a programmer for many years, and even though I wrote a whole 2,000 lines of code for my book, whoa, I still can't figure out how the fuck Dropbox works. Hell, I can't even install iTunes on my computer. This is because the software is bad, even though millions of people every year who know nothing about computers manage to use these services. It's definitely not because I have some sort of weird philosophical objection to these services and try to use them in a way that was not intended so that when they don't work,

I can complain about it on my podcast. What? Fuck this guy. This flaming shit bag. Listen to here, you slack-jawed, gullible, mouth-breathing, dullard idiot. You're such a moron. Here's the thing. When I'm downloading lots of files from drug,

Dropbox. I shouldn't have to worry about the amount of space I have on my own quota for it to compress the files. They should use that in their own internal space so I can download it, dick. Your argument last time that it can't download multiple streams? Guess what? Dipshits,

figure it out. Why don't you use your own temporary storage? Why should I have to pay for eight gigs of storage if I want to download four gigs of data? Fuck you. Figure your shit out, Dropbox engineers, morons. Keep voting down that problem. I don't give a shit. Dropbox is garbage. You're garbage.

You're too busy trying to figure out if you can plug your dick while you're peeing. It's so funny. That's a scientific experiment. I thought about it. I had an observation. I had a thought. That would have ended so much better if he had shot himself in the face. No respect.

This is bullshit. This show's bullshit. Cancel the episode.