The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 65

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from jury duty to Jew jokes. With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick.

And Sean, our audio engineer. Hey, what's up, buddy? Hello. It's a new one. That is a new one. So while I was doing prep for the show, I went through the main problems page. And a guy named James Garland wrote

a huge list of alphabetical problems to go through, and that was one of them on the list. So thank you James Garland for that suggestion. Oh, so you could pair them up? Yeah, yeah, that was really funny. That made me laugh. Yeah, so. How did we do?

All right, Dick. Who's listening to Titanic this week? Nobody, because I called this shenanigans. What do you mean? You call it shenanigans, shenanigans. Piss dribbleds got the number one vote last time. Sure. Followed by infantilism.

It was pretty close. Then hunting cry babies and then ants. All in the positive. Everybody thought everything we brought in was a problem last time. Except Piss Tribplets was an anomaly, Dick. I think. I think Piss Triplets is an anomaly because we've never had a problem like that. What do you mean?

That is a non-problem, trivial, throwaway, minor inconvenience, personal annoyance. We've never had a problem with that? Let me finish bread. Let me finish. Let me finish. Voted to the top of the list like that. Yeah, but the other problems weren't that, like, it wasn't that high. The other problems just weren't that big of problems.

Oh, really? It's not as big of a problem as infantilism or it's bigger than infantilism and ants. You know, something that annoys everybody. I know ants are annoying, but I'm more annoyed by piss driblets. Like, I have a lot more exposure to ants than you, I think. Dick. Dick. So, these, I called shenanigans last episode, didn't I, about the Dropbox?

You were kind of right. You were kind of right. You were kind of right. Let me get to it. Sean. They put a hack on us, Sean. Sean. That's right.

You remember I said that the vote was skewed for the Dropbox because I'd never seen anything downvoted so high. It did seem excessive. It was excessive. So I logged in and I did some snooping around and I looked at the database and I looked at the votes and lo and behold, there were hundreds of fake votes for Dropbox. Yeah. It was a good catch.

It's like an election. That was a good catch. And then one of the top comments here, Brian Gibson says, I voted up ants, voted down Pist driblets, and in a matter of 45 seconds and two refreshes, Piss driblets jumped around 200 votes. Anyone else see this happen during the voting? Well, no, but that's because the page itself is cashed.

Not by 200 dick. No, no, no, yes, it is. No, I know, but I myself was doing the same thing, and I noticed the same anomaly. Yes, because when you load it first, it's a cached version, and then when you click the vote, it sends the most current version. So right when the episode launches, that happens because the cash expires like every couple of hours. Yeah, but not by 200 votes.

Yes, it does, because if 200 votes happen in an hour, then it will give you the most current vote tally. Like, if you start the episode, the votes are extremely low. Like, what was Pist Riblets in at the end? 400, 500, something like that? Right now, it's over a thousand dick. Yeah, see, all the votes for our shows come in close to the start of the episode launching. They accelerate and then they plateau. So if you vote during that first acceleration, you'll get a jump like that.

You'll experience a jump like that. Dick, I understand, but administrators like you and I don't see cashed votes, do we? We see them in real time. And I also logged into the server to double check. And in real time, the votes were consistent with the votes I was seeing on there. I call shenanigans. So we caught the ones for the Dropbox vote. Yeah.

We didn't catch this one. I mean, there's nothing to catch. Like, do you want me to bring in the evidence for piss driblets to prove that piss driblets is a problem? What will satisfy you? I really don't think that our listeners, for the first time ever, has voted up a problem so high that's a non-problem. It's never happened. It's definitely, we got so much email regarding piss driblets and how much they annoy everybody. It's a huge problem.

The email flood alone should prove to you that it's a big problem. You know it's not. You know it's not. I brought it in because it's a big problem. And by the way, Dropbox is still very much in the negative, even with those fake votes thrown out. Right, but there's also that effect, the psychological effect. When people see a lot of people doing something, they'll also do that thing. That's what happened in a Bush.

You're right. CNN launches the wrong presidential winner and people don't go show up to vote, right? Is that what happened in that election? Is that the right election that I'm talking about? The second election? Yeah. Is that what happened? I forget how it went.

There was some controversy there. It was either CNN or NBC or something. And then the next election cycle, they all tripped over themselves to not call it. Yeah. You remember that? Yeah. I'd rather them err on that side. But, yeah, Dick, shenanigans, shenanigans.

I don't believe. Oh, you're a poor loser. I don't believe. No, no. You're a poor loser. This isn't about losing, Dick. The show's not a contest. And I think specifically, and I'm totally serious about this, I think specifically the

contest element of this show is hurting the show. Oh, my God. I absolutely believe that. Well, go vote me up then. It's cheap. I haven't brought you in as a problem yet, except for indignant co-host. Go vote it up. But that's an indirect, that's an indirect passive-aggressive way of bringing you in as a problem.

I haven't brought you in. This is. No. This is indirect passive aggression against the vote, the contest part. I have not. Because there is no contest part, Dick. And I think that it's cheapening the show. And it's hurting, it's hurting the show. Because people start doing shenanigans like this.

Because they think the votes matter because they want to hear whatever gimmick for the next week. I think Piss driblitz is a big problem. That's why I brought it in. I'm surprised at the results too. look at it. Infantilism, I don't think the case was well made. For infantilism. Well, of course not. Because when you ignore

every piece of evidence that I bring in and then just go to your default, so what's the problem, by ignoring everything I bring in, of course, Dick. Because you have this tendency when I bring in huge problems with lots of evidence and make a case for it, you'll just sit there and completely, you'll ignore

everything I said, well, what's the problem? As if I had not said anything. Fucking libertarian. Some guy in the comments, I thought, made a more compelling case than you did about infantilism, though. Well, I don't remember, like, I don't remember enough of it to recite it, but he was talking about how, um, he was talking about how it makes people weaker and less responsible. It was a more compelling case, but I still don't think coloring books, like adults doing coloring books, is that big of a problem. Like, it seems like more of a legitimate form of escapism to me. Dick, I don't want to shit on your problem.

because I think it's stupid and annoying. But I literally said that it makes you weak and irresponsible during that episode, didn't I? I said it makes you unprepared. But he said it in a better way. Okay, great. Great. But I wasn't just reducing the entire problem down to people who use coloring books. There's no one thing that you can do or not do to not be infantile.

I'm just saying that that's one symptom of a potential, excuse me, of a potential, of people who are potentially infantile or they infantil. In fact, in fact, somebody sent me. this article just before or actually just after the episode aired, there is a new adult preschool launching in New York. Did you guys hear about this? That's what I was talking about on the episode. What? Yeah, that's what you're saying. The adult preschool? Yeah. Yeah. It costs $1,000 to attend this adult preschool. Sure. And you join and you play with Play-Doh and you draw on coloring books. And furthermore, I looked at this article on triggering and people who, there was

this big event at this college where someone is going to come and do a rape talk, right? Oh. Yeah, they were talking about... Trigger. Right, so there was like this... Teg Talk's evil twin. A rape talk? Rape talk.

Yeah, it's a real weird audience. Tepin' crowd. So, during this rape talk, whatever, people said that there was going to be a safe space for people who felt triggered. And during this safe space for people, they would go to this room, this rec center, and then they would play with Play-Doh and draw in coloring. books. So what they are literally doing is infantilizing them and making them avoid any kind of uncomfortable feelings or trauma they might have. It helps them avoid any kind of responsibility

or the adult feelings of dealing with your trauma and your grief. Okay, that's a great reason. You didn't say that last week, though. I did say it helps you avoid being an adult in real life responsibilities and all those things. That's not the same as dealing with things that trouble you. Like, because you know I have a problem with people not wanting to see things that trouble them. Yeah, but not dealing with real life, I'm on board with that. Like, yeah, real life fucking sucks. It will suck the life out of you, find something to escape from it, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.

But what are you seeing is different? Well, I call shenanigans on piss driblets. I don't think our fans are that stupid. That's not stupid. Piss triblets are a big problem. No, they're not, and you're disingenuous. There's no fucking way. You call them idiots every episode.

Every episode you call them idiots. Well, they're definitely idiots. Everyone is compared to me, but I don't believe that they're that idiotic. Says the guy who plugs his pee, to see what would happen. As a scientist, I thought of an experiment, and I get shit on. I get no respect in this show. If I had discovered something, if I had discovered the next, like, you know, hose technique,

if you could spray your pee further. And you'd never have to get off the couch. You could just sit on the couch and squirt your piss around the corner. Like put a little English on it and spray it in the toilet from the couch. You'd never have to get up. Just lob it into the sink from the living room. Yeah. Yeah.

Think about it in terms of truck drivers, right? you're driving, you got to pee. Right now what truck drivers do is they pee in a bottle and throw it out of window. Is that a better solution? No, you put your thumb over the hole and squirt it out the side. Out the side of the window? Yeah. So it splatters all over your truck and all over other drivers and bicyclers?

You want to get a bunch of trucker piss all over you soaked in corn nuts? Better than a fucking bottleful that's going to explode all over my car or sit there in the heat and then finally explode all over some fucking lizard. You dump it out when you stop. That's not what they do. Oh, you're so bitter. They lob it like a grenade. You're so salty.

I got a comment. I got a comment from Ryan Sean Devlin. He says, hunting cry babies is really misleading. The majority of Facebook warriors were crying about an American poaching in Africa, not hunting. And Dick, I'm sorry. I was correct. Actually, I'm not sorry at all. The dentist actually was poaching, and he has prior poaching records.

I know. I brought that up on the show. Oh, yeah, newsmax.com. Yeah, I don't care if he was, again. Okay. All right, here's, I got a voicemail from the hunting problem that you're talking about. Yeah. Dick and Maddo.

Where do you guys get up talking about a Cesar being killed and not even talk about his family? This is me, the cowardly lion. I was brave at one point. I fell on top of the world. And then Cicel and I were walking toward the end. of the forest and we smelled something delicious. So we went out to see what it was. And hey, I saw him, I saw him and I was going to get out and give that dentist the old

one, two, I was going to get with them. But then I saw his crossbow and realized I'm a giant pussy. He left behind cubs, you guys. He had a family. I mean, I know I had to eat them because they weren't mine, but still, That was one I left you Anyway you guys I'll talk to you later

Dick, go fuck yourself That's one That's one Jewish lion Uh-oh Is that on the list? Jew jokes It will be Yeah, do you want another

Cecil voicemail? Yeah Hi, this is Cecil A lion's brother Check the lion I'm just calling in To say that

Whoever shot Cecil Was a goddamn hero Seasel was a goddamn hero Diesel was a douchebag He was the Kanye West of Lions Maybe he was He raped my wife Always cheated a pinnacle

And to top it off Was one of the most outspoken Anti-Semites I ever knew I'm glad he's dead Fuck him And fuck anybody defending him Wow That's his own brother

He has own brother threw him under the bus Huh? He's the Mel Gibson of Lions It sounds like I got a comment from Simon Kempthorne He says Perhaps hunters should hunt ants two problems solved with the one of fell swoop.

I agree, that'd be awesome. And I got a comment from Evan Harrington. He says, I always squeeze the piss out of my dick when I'm done peeing. My underwear's clean. Thank you, Evan. Yeah, a lot of people had some advice for me on how to stop that from happening. It was... Ring it out like a bar towel?

No, it was more stupid than that. It was like, hook your hand, hook your hand into a claw shape and like squeeze against your prostate, like reach around your nut sack and press it into your prostate to like clean out the remaining urine. Yeah. Then I got to wash my hands. Yeah. I got a suggestion too. How about just fuck off.

It's a drop of pee. Shut up. How about that? That's for me, by the way. Paul Hussin, a urologist, wrote in. Oh, yeah? What is said? You guys might have looked this up, but I wanted to clear some up.

Your kidneys are constantly making urine as your blood is filtered. This urine is then transported to the bladder for storage. When you're ready to urinate, your stomach. sphincter relaxes in the bladder, which is a muscle. So you were right about this. Yeah. Does contract, and urine goes out the urethra. When you think you're done, the sphincter contracts again and closes off the bladder,

depending on how long your urethra is. Long, right? Yeah, very long. Yeah, very long. A certain amount of urine is trapped. Shaking only gets a couple drops out and might fling off on your pants anyway. Instead, press up under your scrotum. See, they always say press up under your scrotum.

Who's doing that? Well, I guess if you want to solve this problem, Dick, you got to get up in your scrote. Do you do that? No. No, me either. It's not a fucking problem. It's a drop of pee. I don't care.

Maddox, when you felt pain in your kidneys, you were actually forcing urine backwards into the kidneys by blocking your pee hole. Nice job. Ha. You know what? I'm a urologist. This is how I talk. You know what, Mr. urologist, smart guy? Here's what I think.

I think the more I practiced doing this with my, you know, my pee hole fire hose thing. Yeah. The stronger, my bladder muscles are. gonna get. I'll be able to snap a pencil with my bladder, baby. It's the ultimate leg day. Yeah. You're working out your bladder every day. There's my voicemail. Yeah. Hey Maddox.

Thanks for distinguishing between infantilism and a healthy adult interest in something that's childlike. Okay, here we go. Now, if only my friends could understand that my interest in diapers and dinkies is just a part of my aesthetic. Yeah, maybe it's just part of his aesthetic. These fucking idiots.

You know what? The number one, the shittiest argument from that episode that's been haunting me because all your legions of acolytes were parody. Mine? Yours. Yours. Because you can tell who they are.

The dickheads. That's what I call them. Yeah. The dickheads. How did nobody come up with that? Sack up, boys. Yeah. The dickheads and the piss triplets of arguments

that they had. They were saying, Oh, Madrocks, you have problem with infantilism, you play video games. These morons. Yeah. Not all video games are

For kids dipshits, the average age of a gamer is 35 years old. And I looked it up, Dick, and you were like, well, are those mostly casual gamers? And I looked it up. That's a valid question. You don't need to say it like an asshole. That's a valid question for that statistic. It absolutely isn't, because casual or not, they're still playing video games. It's 2%.

2% makes up the casual video game market. The rest are largely, like games like Grand Theft Auto and games like Manhunt and outlast, all these really violent and sexually suggestive games. They're not for kids. Just like not all animation is for kids. It's morons. Eh, okay. I just think there's more,

I think there's more in common between video games and adult coloring books than you're letting on. Again, there isn't any more than animation being for kids. The movie Akira is not for kids. I haven't seen that.

The movie Ninja Scroll is not for kids. It has sex, graphic sex, graphic violence. It's for teens, though. Like, it's more for teens. Then how come the average age of... What about adult-only rated games?

Does anyone pay attention to that shit? Yeah, of course, man. Adult only? Adult only and mature rated. There's a big... Who-ha. What, I was going to say hoo-ha. Yeah. I was going to say kerfuffle, then I was going to say hoo-ha, and I thought both those

sound stupid. Anyway, man, about a billion people sent me this article that says they found, this new studies found that spicy food is associated with a reduced risk for death. People who eat spicy food live longer. This is from the New York Times. They said that they studied 485,000 people, and after controlling for family, medical history, age, education, diabetes, smoking, and many other variables,

the researchers found that consuming spicy food six to seven times a week reduced the risk of death by 14%. Wait, reduce the risk of death? Yeah. Any of like illness? Yep, that's what it says. Huh. That's interesting. Reduce the risk.

Of death. Well, it doesn't say of death in here. It says consuming spicy food six to seven times a week, reduced the risk by 14%. They're talking about it. Yeah, all right. Of all causes. I got some fan art. Yeah.

Lucas sent this in. It's too small of a face for my head man. It's a mega man villain. I saw that. Like that, Sean? He's got a little frowny face. Yeah. I mean, is that a frown?

Pissed off. Barely tell. All these assholes are picking on him for something that isn't true. Hey, speaking of video games, Dick. Yeah. We played a game recently, didn't we? We settled the debate. We settled the Smash Brothers.

debate and the ultimate smashdown. Yeah. We talked about it last week where Maddox and I were going to go play Smash Brothers to determine once and for all whether or not it's a fighting game. And we did. We both learned something at this event. Did we not? We did. We played the game. We played the game at UCB Theater.

Yeah. And it was part of a show and Dick and I played only one round. It was a short round. Yes. To lukewarm applause. Yeah. It was a real weird audience. No one knew. what the fuck we were doing. No. In fact, to a point on stage, even I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Yeah, I brought it. Do you want me to play the video of it? Let's hear it. Do you want to narrate it as we go?

Well, not the entire thing, but let's hear a little bit of it, yeah. I got a little bit of it here. I'm going to play it now. We're going to try to walk through it even though listening to a fighting game is not a lot of fun. Sean, here, you can see it. I am Mega Man and Maddox, because he's a cheap fuck, went with Ryu. The only fighter in that game, the only real fighter in that game. This is like my specialty of being out. Right now, we're both learning where jump is on the controller, as you can see. And also, I'm learning that in Smash Brothers, you don't always face your opponent.

Oh, is that why you were running backwards for most of the fight? I was trying to do some crossovers and jump moves and zoning. None of that exists. You got too complicated. Yeah. There's Maddox jumping off the side of the level. Yeah, I was trying to kill myself. starting to be here right.

It's a really a buzz-masher. What are you supposed to do here? Get that. How do you get that? Catch it and then you do your final smash. We're jumping around trying to catch some kind of a magic ball. There was a superpower. There was a power-up that was floating around in the episode.

We were both trying to get like idiots. Oh, here's the best part. See this? This is when Mega Man summons his pals. But it shoots Maddox off the level. You don't know what button you did. You don't need to do. I figured it out.

That was all a trick, man. I'm just playing. Yeah. Garbage. Garbage. Garbage competition. Alright, here's the last five seconds. Three, two, one.

Time. It's me, right? So that quiet is because we don't know who won. But then we see that it was Megan Morrow. that it was Mega Man, wasn't it? There's me graciously coming over to shake your hand as the loser.

Yeah, yeah. As the champion of video games? I mean, what do you call it when you beat a pro? Are you a legend at that point? You call it a buggy game. They need to send that game back into QA testing, buddy. So what's the epiphany we both had during that dick? Well, you know, that game to me seems like

a fun, silly game that they tried to turn into a sport, like golf, you know? Right, right. Like, it's not, I don't think it's a fighting game. It seems like a frantic button. There you go, Bravo. But what did you learn? I learned, and this is the honest truth, I had a lot of fun playing it.

I got to be honest. I really had a good time, and after, we only played one round, and I wanted to keep playing, because it's a fun game. It really is. It's just not a fighting game. I will not back down from that. However, it is a fun game, and if you guys have fun playing it, good, fuck off and don't bring it up on the show again.

We're never talking about it again. Especially, oh, you idiots, you keep complaining that you're tired of hearing about it. Then stop sending in fucking voicemail and stop commenting. You know, these people who are so tired of hearing about it, they sure let me know in about 30 different messages, 30 distinct messages, all upvoted, by the way. Got the message, guys. Stop talking about it, and we'll stop talking about it. Idiots.

All right. Do you want to go? Oh, yeah, we've got one more thing. We got one more thing here. We got a package from our transcriber, our beautiful, lovely, and talented transcriber, Lori Foster. She sent us a care package. Now, if you'll remember back in December,

Lori and Megan, both our transcriber, sent us a care package. In it was a big, a big latex tit. Felt like a bag of sand. Stress ball. Some Tosses. Tom's shoes. What else are we good?

Butterfingers. Butterfingers. Bishan, that's right. Why did they send you butterfingers? What do you think? That hasn't been brought up in like 10 episodes. Well, all right, so we got a box here. It looks like the size of a bread box.

Yeah. Everyone knows exactly what size that is. What is it? What is she sent it? What's that? Why'd she send it? So she sent us this care package. Her and her husband, I believe, are launching.

They have this comic book that they've been working on called Super. It's really well done. It's a graphic novel. Lori Inks some of the pages. I think maybe all the pages. But yeah, this comic book's really well done. They got a lot of press for it. They launched a Patreon.

We said we'd give them a little plug. Guys, check it out. Check out Lori's comic book. Why don't we have cool shit like this? Yeah, it's a bunch of, like, trading cards and little guys, like little figures. She sent us these little action figures called Blitz. I think that's a character name. It's called Blitz.

Which, by the way, I looked into making action figures a while back. It's really expensive. That stuff is really expensive and hard to make. Anyway, yeah, she launched, what are the cards she has here? Dicks opening up an envelope that has a bunch of cards in it. We've got the graphic novel for Super. Oh, that's cool. Well, I don't know anything about it.

And the main character is modeled after Lori, which Lori does a lot of modeling. Yeah, she does a lot of modeling. Real easy on the eyes. All right. Yeah. Let's see. Okay, cool. There's like some kind of Nazi war machine.

That's cool. Oh my gosh. That's my favorite thing. Nazi war machines. All right. Oh, wait a minute. There's some kind of so-vary war machine. guy in here. He's got a CCCP thing on his helmet. There you go. There's your guy. Oh, that's so

badass. I bet Cecil's brother would like that. Yeah, probably. The anti-Semitic lion. All right. Anyway, it's, uh, Patreon. Patreon.com slash super comic. We'll link to it. Thank you, Lori. Awesome, awesome comic. Dick, let's get to the problem, shall we? Sean, you got some, oh, you got some trading cards too. There you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what are the, uh, we, we, we saw these trading cards here. Oh, cool. So, wait, what are the, uh, the trading cards? She sent his old trading cards From the From the cartoon

Oh my gosh This looks incredible Blood Death They some A American guy With a big gun A guy who's head to toe In America flag

Like Green Man You mean in other words An American An American That's what the rest of the world sees that says right He has near Impenetable

Yeah He has near impenetable Body Armor Marshall Arts mastery High tolerance For pain Justice and bullets Sounds like you

There's There's fire ant Maddox nemesis I do hate ants step on them Alright go ahead Let's get to the problems Dick

My first problem this week And the biggest problem In the universe No hyperbola Death Oh Hyperbole Yeah

Oh is the math one No hyperbole Death No hyperbole No Yeah death Death is the biggest Problem in the universe

It's a big problem Yeah Listen to these stats 100% of people died Yeah 100% of people who live Will experience death at some point in their lives 100%

Oh man Death is caused by pneumonia Falling off buildings Wood chippers Falling off is number three on my list Woodchippers Falling off motorcycles at high speeds Dehydration

Yeah Starvation, that's hunger Suicide Sure Homicide malnutrition pregnancy Is that it?

No nope Pregnancy Roller Coasters Sharks Horses Militized police Oh yeah definitely Obesity

And regular police And regular police Yeah that's true Yeah Aging Being born Sleeping Drinking too much water

Cannibalism Decappism causes death Cannibalism caused death Cannibalism caused death How? Because you get eaten. Oh. Yeah.

Well, okay. I mean, not necessarily. I see what you're saying. You could have died of natural causes and then somebody eats you. That's true. That's a good technicality. Thank you, Dick. I will correct this.

I'm not trying to be a contrarian, but that's not accurate. That's true. I thought about that too for a split second because if you were, say, boiled alive, too, the boiling is actually the condoms. The boiling kills you. The cannibalism does it. Okay. Thank you for the correction. I will change cannibalism to boiling.

Okay. Boiling caused death. Decapitation, blood loss, diarrhea, eating bad food, eating poison, drinking poison, Ebola, riots, getting stabbed in the heart with a steak, microbes, bacteria, and mercury poisoning. And mercury poisoning. Those are all the reasons of death. Those are the cause of death. It's so bad that even thinking about death can make people sad, depressed, and scared.

It gives people anxiety, and it's the number. one reason people are afraid of going skydiving. Did you know that? Death is the... Well, what else? Yeah, okay. Afraid of hides because they're afraid of dying. It's all death. Everyone's afraid of everything because of death. Yeah, and you're dead on about causing anxiety.

Well, like, it's like one of the... It's the only thing where you sit... If you sit there and think everyone I love will, they will die. Yeah. Like, it will really fucking depress you, man. You'll have a bad day. guaranteed.

Yeah. Did you know that even... More so than piss driblets. More so than piss dribbles, that's an objective fact. Did you know that even birds die? In fact, all living things die, Sean. Did you know that? All living things die.

I read that somewhere. Do you read it on Wikipedia? Because I'm about to quote it. There's a huge Wikipedia page for death. Wait, isn't there something that has like... There's like life in perpetuity or something. Heaven. Yeah.

No, it's like hydras or... Wait a minute. What? The mythical beast? No, like deep in the ocean. Well, there's like, theoretically... They can theoretically live forever. Yeah. Isn't that right?

Like that alpine, that one organism that is all the trees? Well, that's an Aspen Grove. Yeah. It's a largest single organism. Basically, do they die? I don't know about that. Oh, you can kill it.

A bomb will kill it. Okay. I don't know. I got to lick it up on Wiki. Yeah. And they can live forever, huh? I mean, theoretically. Like, yeah.

No, not even... No, nothing. Because then there's... proton decay. Eventually, everything dies. Also, Sean, if the earth is being destroyed, like when the sun engulfs it, how's it going to move? It can't. It's a fucking tree. It's not an ant. Even if you

escape the earthmatics, still going to die. That's true. Everything dies. So, here's the thing. So according to Wikipedia, they said physiological death is now seen as a process more than an event. Conditions once considered indicative of death are now reversible. Where in the process

a dividing line is drawn between life and death depends on factors beyond the presence, or absence of vital signs. In general, clinical death is neither necessary nor sufficient for a determination of legal death. A patient with a working heart and lungs is determined to be brain dead can be pronounced legally dead without clinical death occurring.

So now we're getting into some really interesting area. Yeah, not just Terry Shivo stuff, but I was reading about this. And the more I read about it, the more fascinating it is. Because the more I read about death, the less I knew what it was. Like, death is kind of this amorphous thing. really can define the exact moment someone is dead.

It's when the thing goes, be... Yeah, you're dead. Well, not necessarily, though, because nobody can even decide on the exact definition. If you define it as a lack of consciousness, then technically, anytime we temporarily lose consciousness, like when we undergo anesthetics or our blackout drunk, we can be called dead.

Also, organisms like bacteria are alive, but not conscious. So people can't even agree what the definition of consciousness means. And you can, like, freeze spores. Like there's some type of microscopic organism. I don't even know if it's an organism, but it will like, it doesn't die. It enters like a state of, I don't know, stasis. Yeah.

Like it can go in space and spawn somewhere else where living conditions are better. Yeah, what are those called? They're like buggy bears or something, huggy bears? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Those little guys look cute. Uh-huh. Yeah.

And then there's another type of bacteria. I just heard about this on Radiolab, I believe. It's called B tracheosis or something. some kind of bacteria. I forget what it's called. But it's a large bacteria that is, it's kind of like a hybrid between a bacteria and a virus.

But they found some from 30,000 years ago and they thawed out on some tundra that came back to life. So, which I guess if it's alive, if you can define it, is that. But so I looked up the definition of consciousness. The first definition says, an alert, cognitive state

in which you are aware of yourself and your situation. And then the second definition is having knowledge. So I got a question. for you, Dick. Okay. Does a baby with a learning disorder who's severely mentally disabled have consciousness since it can't even have knowledge? If you're using that definition of consciousness?

Like a retarded person? Yeah, basically. Yeah. I would... Yeah, because they like know themselves. Don't they know that they are a thing? I'm not talking about, not necessarily, because when they show certain animals themselves in mirrors, if they look at themselves in mirrors, they sometimes don't recognize that they're looking at themselves.

Oh. I don't know. What does the research say? Well, it's not really a research thing. It's a philosophical thing. Nobody really... There's no consensus on this. What about people in semi-vegetative states

who don't exhibit any signs of memory or knowledge? Are they dead? Well, that's the question. I don't fucking know. Have you ever read accounts of people who have been in a coma saying that they were aware of the whole thing? Oh, man, that's terrifying. It sounds horrible.

There was that guy who was in the... coma for 27 years and he was conscious. Yeah. And he said every single day, he just imagined a life that was better than his. Well, I mean, what's different about not being in a coma then? Doesn't, don't, we all do that all day anyway? Hey, we might all be in comas right now listening to this podcast. You've got to stick it out, though, right?

If you're in that situation? Hey, you're a lucky coma patient if you're listening to this podcast. Tell you that one. Would you stick it out or would you want to be shut off? You're in a coma because you can't communicate. You can't communicate anything. You've got to make up your mind now. It's hard to say, man.

I don't know if it's mental. You got to say. You got to pick one way or the other. DNR or not. Oh, boy. Well, if I'm in a coma and I'm conscious, then I think I might, I'm leaning towards sticking around.

But you don't know. Nobody knew that that guy was aware of this coma. They have new tests to determine those type of things. I don't know, man. I don't know. So death used to be defined as the lack of, of a heartbeat, but defibrillation, CPR, and even adrenaline can resuscitate a patient. So, you know, Dick, what you were saying just now, when the heart monitor goes,

whee-e-eep? That's not necessarily death because you can be resuscitated. That can be a temporary state. Yeah. Life can be supported even without a heart or lungs using machines. Yeah. The modern definitions of death include brain dead. In your version, you would prefer it that way.

What? In your perfect life, you'd prefer all of your systems to be kept alive by machines. Well, of course, why wouldn't you? Yeah, of course. We understand machines. We can make machines. Harder, hearts are more difficult to make. Can't make a Wi-Fi router that works reliably, but everything else going to nail it.

Hey, what happens when your Wi-Fi router goes dead? Unplug it. And then you buy a new one. You buy a better one. A newer model. You get upgrades. I can't wait to be a cyborg. It's going to be great.

Modern definitions of death. You don't be the jankiest cyborg. Me? Yeah, will you be an early adopter of that technology? No. I don't think you can resist. No way. I don't, like when GE rolls out with their, or Nissan, who's making that stupid little human?

Is it Honda? Honda, yeah. That means a little robot. When they roll out with the first one you can plug in, man, you'll be, you'll last all of 23 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sign me up, sign me up. Take my brain, take it. Yeah, fuck it, man. I'm a celebrity.

I'm a big-time author. I'm a bestseller. We got to preserve my brain. Yeah. Yeah, why not? We got a bunch of dildos who are just reproducing from idiocracy. And dildos, I mean idiotic. people. Right. So now

they're saying that modern definitions of death mean brain dead, which includes people without brain activity, but the period of time without brain activity isn't agreed upon. So fans of Guardians of the Galaxy were spared a mass grave, I think. Oh, boy. Brain dead idiots.

Oh, my God. A bunch of dummies. Morons. Anyway, man, I just got a few more things here. The acceptance of brain death as death of the human being legitimated the practice of procuring viable vital organs from patients with devastating neurological injuries who were still breathing and perfusing their organs. I don't even know what that means. With the aid of mechanical ventilators, excuse me. By the late 1990s, however, the equation of brain

death with death of the human being was increasingly challenged by scholars. Based on evidence regarding the array of biological functioning displayed by patients correctly diagnosed as having this condition, who were maintained on mechanical ventilation systems for substantial periods of time. So even by the whole brain criteria, Dick, the determination of brain death can be complicated. So this again from Wikipedia, they said EEGs can detect spurious electrical impulses while certain drugs, hypoglycemia, hypoxia, and hypothermia can suppress or even stop brain activity on a temporary basis. So how do you define death? Max, you're making this problem way smaller than it is.

You think so? Yes, you're talking about the minutia of determining when death occurs. That's a pretty significant thing, don't you think? No, you're dead. Whether you bounce across the line of what makes death, eventually you're going to fucking die, and that's horrible. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing.

Nothing. Now, there's some theories out there. There's a guy, there's a couple of scientists. It's actually a growing movement in the scientific community. Well, Google started the, are you going to talk about Google's company? They secretly started like a life company? An anti-death company was called Calico or something like that? It only exists to prolong life. Yeah, I want to hear more about this because I think I heard a little bit about this through you. So what is this? Oh, I have no idea. It's like a secret project that

these billionaires started to like invent life prolonging technology. It's awesome. I wish I knew more about it, but I don't. I don't have the research. Well, they say people think that there's no theoretical limit on how long we can live. I mean, we've already doubled our lifespan, our life expectancy. Some people are getting to the point where we're able to triple it. There are people living to 110 years old,

105 years old, and it's pretty common. And they're living more functional lives. Even then, even if you live a thousand years, let's say we get the lifespan up into the thousands, right? Like in the Bible. Like it used to be before we did all these affronts against God,

gay marriage. When everybody was and not having slaves. Like it expressly says in the Bible we're supposed to have. I'm kidding, obviously. Even when we live that long, we're still getting hit in the head by a foul ball at a baseball game. You know, you're still going to get killed. A piano's still going to fall on you that they can't bring you back from.

Wow. They're never going to invent a cure for 17 stab wounds. You know? Mr. Birds. Yeah, right, right, right. Death is always going to be there. Wasn't that episode? They said, hey, we're still trying to invent a cure for 17 stab wounds.

And then someone chimed in and said, we're at 15. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. One of the Calico things, one of the research, one of the things that I read about recently is they were taking blood from young mice. Yeah. And replacing the blood of older mice with that young blood. Right.

And it extended their lives. Right, right. Inexplicably. That's so convoluted. It seems like something that the Soviets would have done in like 1950s. That kind of macab experimentation. So that's interesting. They used to actually do that in the medieval ages.

They used to try to, especially the royalty and elite, they used to take blood from younger people and try to infuse it with themselves, which they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. They were drinking it and just pouring it on themselves like idiots and getting all sorts of heinous diseases. But now the research, they came back to that idea with experimenting with young mice. And they found that, yes, indeed, actually, the blood from young mice does help older mice heal faster

and it helps their cognitive ability. It actually kind of regresses their aging. Which is really fascinating because that suggests that there is no theoretical limit to how long we can live. And there's this guy, the scientist, I forget his name, but he thinks that we only have to cure six things

to be able to live infinitely. Really? Yeah. What are those six things? Pete driblets. Sacks lactivism, probably. That's a big one we got to cure. You guys done? Are you done?

No. Jew jokes? Probably. We need more. They'll hoard it over. Israel will invent it in life living forever and they'll hoard it over everybody. If we hear one Jew joke on the internet today, you guys aren't getting our Lazarus serum. So the whole internet will be shut down except for one guy on 4chan. Oh, man.

No dickheads. It's actually cancer. cancer. They have to cure... I thought of the jujoke he'll make, too, by the... What? What is it? No, no, no, no. I'm gonna say it. It's a big problem. Too funny. It's coming in in one of the episodes. So, curing cancer, curing heart disease, and then the other ones are kind of trivial.

Cancer, that's a big one. Yeah, cancer's a big one. But we're making headway. We're able to cure some forms of cancer. I like the race against death because it, like, pits small-scale technology against, like, biological technology. To me, in my mind, I see it as like, all right, this is a race between nanobots and all you medical nerds. Yeah. Who's going to do it? One of years winning. One of years is going to be loved for millennia. Yeah. Well, that's a really cool way of looking at it. Because it could come from the IT world, you're saying, right? Well, nanobots can cure cancer. Yeah. They could. Yeah. If they worked. If they were small enough. And they didn't turn anyone

into gray goo. You know, I think the other, the solution here is, Dick, really, if we find an energy source that's compact enough so that we could power some of these nanobots to go into our bodies and target cancer cells. That's it. That's a game changer. Well, some of them work on Wi-Fi. Like they get energy out of radiation in the air. Yeah, near field communication.

They communicate with each other and pass on complex instructions that these nanobots can then execute. Like ants. Like... Oh, fuck. So that... That thing I was talking about is called biological immortality.

And it exists? So just immortality? Do you have any examples of it? Hydra, like I said. What the hell is a hydra? It's a freshwater little simple organism. All right. Anyway, we're running out of time.

That's all I got. That's my problem. Death. Death. It's a big problem. The biggest problem in the universe. That's got to be the biggest. That's bigger than female genital mutilation.

It is. It absolutely is because this affects everybody. And animals. Yeah. There's no good. There's no, well, is there good? that comes from death? Yes.

I mean, you don't have an ecosystem without death, right? But that's on God, not us. Right? Blame God. Why would you design that? Yeah. Well, no, there is, I was thinking about this. I was thinking, is there anything worse than death?

And some people would contend, yes, what there is. Taxes. Income tax. I almost ride in taxes is my second problem. But no, there are some things that some people consider worse than death, and that's chronic pain. Because some people look for- It's true. That's true.

Death is a solution for chronic pain and cancer. And they look for euthanated. For some people. For some people, some people think that it's worth living in spite of chronic pain. And then death is also... Oh, man. It's a serious pain, though. I also used to think that death was the worst thing, even including rape.

But some people, there was this old tribe of women, I think, in the 1800s or 1700s, they heard that their army was slaughtered and that the enemy army was coming towards them, was marching towards their city. So all the women and daughters, they took themselves and they just threw themselves off the cliff because they didn't want to get raped. So some people consider rape worse than death and some people consider chronic pain worse than death, but I think that's a minority.

I think the majority people want to live. I guess we'll find out when someone brings in rape. Yeah? Hey, this episode is brought to you by Casper. Today's episode is brought to you by Casper. Hey, get $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com slash biggest than using promo code,

biggest. How's your Casper mattress working out for you? Oh, it's great, man. Every time I go to sleep on it, it's like coma sleep. Like, for real, I feel like, I feel like I go, I put my head down and I get up, and I'm, it's like a time machine. Really? I don't stir. Would you sleep like you're dead, would you say? I sleep like I'm dead. Sleep of death. It's death, it's deathful sleep. It's restful sleep like you're dead in a grave. Awesome. Mattresses can often cost well over $1,500, but Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin-sized mattress and $750 for full-size, $8.50 for queen's size, $9.50 for a king-sized mattress. Under grand, that's the deal. Casper understands that buying a mattress online can have customers wondering how this is possible,

but it's completely risk-free. They offer free delivery and returns within a 100-day period. It's that simple. You ever, you got to work on your bed yet? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, you've gotten divorced, gotten down to business? that bad? How was that experience? Made some batter It's... It's... Made some batter belch. It's great, Dick. It's great. I can't recommend

a high enough. I'll just say this much, right? You've seen those old commercials where they drop a bowling ball and there's a glass of wine and it doesn't... Sure. I grew up in the 80s. I know that. Oh, my gosh. It's perfect for that moment because you set down the glass of wine, you get right to business. You don't have to worry about it spilling over. That's how smooth you are? Oh, yeah. Like a piston, baby.

Bang the girl the whole time, you got your glass of wine sitting there, rippling like in Jurassic Park when the Tyrannosaurus is coming. Yeah, I'm like, what's his name, Bateman from, Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Right. When I just, I stopped midway and I point to the glass. I look at the girl. I do that little two-finger thing with the eyes and say, look at the glass. And you say, go to caspar.com slash biggest, enter promo code.

What is it? Inter promo code. Biggest. for $50 off your magic. All right. Yeah, it's a great mattress. My problem is hoverboard hoaxes. Ha, ha ha, ha.

Good. Yes. Good. I know what you're talking about. I don't want to hear this. You know what I'm talking about. Lexis just released this campaign about how they've invented a hoverboard.

Oh, yeah. It's not a fucking hoverboard. No. It's not a hoverboard. It's not a hoverboard. I don't care that it floats and that you call it a hoverboard. It's not a hoverboard.

It's not. It's a superconducting magnetic platform that rides around on a weird rail. Yeah. And has skateboarding celebrities embarrass themselves on it because it's not a fucking hoverboard. No. It has none of the fun of a hoverboard. No. It has none of the magical

technology of a hoverboard. Right. It's not a fucking hoverboard. You can put tits on it and call it a supermodel that doesn't make it a supermodel. That's a fucking fact. Yeah. Well, you know, this bothers you too. Because I think I think the worst, the worst most wicked type of falsehood is the perpetration of a hoverboard

hoax. Because we want it so bad. There is nothing that we want more than a real hoverboard. So bad that we're willing to believe the stupidest fabrications of our lives. Do you remember when Back the Future 2 came out? Yeah.

Do you remember the myth? We wanted the hoverboard. That it was real? Yeah. That people said it was real. And because Sean and I were talking about this on the car on the way over, that we both heard this same lie independently that a group of angry mothers is what was preventing the real actual hoverboard from being released. Oh yeah, I remember that.

Yeah, I remember that. And I was pissed off. I think I read that. It sounded like something I would read on the back of a garbage pal kids card. You know, like these mean moms and teachers. All these fucking moms. Always fucking up our good times when we're kids. God damn it.

Yeah. Because they don't want us to fall. Again, death, death is the reason they don't want to say have hoverboards. Yeah. But, man, I remember, when I saw this video dick this weekend when Lexus released this, by the way, they didn't invent it. They just, they came along and they bought the rights to market this thing that somebody had, right? This patent.

It's just a fucking super, it's just a superconductor. It's just a magnet. Yeah. That's why it's leaking vapor all the time. Yeah. Because it's full of, what, Jesus Christ, I can't remember anything. Liquid nitrogen. Liquid nitrogen.

Yeah. You have big tanks of liquid nitrogen right next to it, and the quote-unquote skate park that it's operating on is full of metal rails. Right. Some fucking exciting hoverboard you got here. Wow, you can hover anywhere you want on a skate park built for this hoverboard. Yeah. Oh, cool. Wear a slippery t-shirt and let your friends spin you around on an air hockey table.

Yeah. That's what you're doing. Yeah. You know what? Ice skates, you need to use them at an ice skating rink, don't you? You don't just say, hey man, I invited, I invented. ice skates. Oh really? Can I use it on the sidewalk? No, you have to go to the specific place that I built specifically for this thing that you put on your feet. You can't use it anywhere else.

Yeah, I built, I invented a jetpack. What? How does that work? Oh, it's really cool. You go to the bottom of this cliff and I drop this rope down and you climb up it. How the fuck is that a jetpack? Yeah, exactly. And then that other jetpack thing, here's that. First, by the way, Dick, the thing I want more than a hoverboard by far is a jet pack. I have so many heists in my mind, planned. The second jet packs come out, I'm going to fucking steal everything. Let's go through the heists. What are the heists?

I'm not going to say this one because it legit might happen. Because of massed jetpack, man. Wait a minute. First of all, what about the actual jetpack that exists? That guy? The Disneyland one? No, no. What Disney land?

The one from like Tomorrowland and the 60s they did a promo thing for Disney. The Rocketeer? Or do you mean an actual jet pack? No, they had a jetpack. Yeah, Disneyland. I didn't know that. Yeah. Tomorrow night.

It's like the black and white footage of a guy using a jetpack and everyone's... Is it a jetpack for real? Yeah, it's a jet pack. Huh? My dick's been wet ever since I saw that thing. Not hard, but wet? Hard and wet. I'm so confused right there.

Yeah. This guy's dick gets wet. It starts sweating. It's so hard. He's got that look in his eyes like he wants to see it. Sean, you want to see it? No. You don't want to, no, the jet pack.

Not his dick. The jet pack? Yeah. Show me the jet pack. Well, yeah, I got to see this now, too. No, I'm talking about... That's not a euphemism. I'm talking about the real jetpack that, like, is sponsored by Red Bull, the Jet Man.

The water thing. No, no, no, no, no. That's awesome, too. I love... I think that's a real water jetpack. Yeah. I really want to ride one. Sure.

I do, too, but it's not a jet pack in the sense that we're thinking. I'm saying the real jet pack, where it's a guy who has those... Oh, yeah. Yeah, he has those two giant jets on his... Fans, yeah. I don't know. They're jets. Really?

He's flying. Like he gets dropped out of a... Bro. You want to talk jets or fans here? Are we talking jets or fans? We're talking jets. Jet. This guy has too many jet packs on his back and little wings, and he's flying around.

It's a plane. If you got wings, it's a plane. A jet pack is just a pack, and that's it. Okay. Like the Tomorrowland. Like that girl that you jerked off to first. Mary. Oh my gosh.

Mary, so hot. So, yeah, man. All right. No, that's a good point. It is a plane. It's a miniature plane. You want to hear my heist idea for a jet? I'm kind of sad saying this right now on the air

because now that I say it I'm never going to do it I mean you can still do it you have a jetpack What are they gonna do? Because they'll patch the security hole Okay Have you ever been to the Tower of London? No The line was too long

I went and the line was like two and a half hours Sean I went with you Yeah and we said fuck this Bro The girl we were Forget about lines Okay I found the best way

And this is how I found the loophole To steal the crown jewels Yeah No, no. Stop it. No, stop it. It's the easiest thing to steal in the world. It's like a Pink Panther villain.

Yeah. That's the stupidest thing to steal. You could never resell it or... Dicker never resell the crown jewels. You could do something with it. You could just wear it around. That's why you want it. Bullshit.

This is the stupidest plan. This is not a stupid. Well, you already fucking heard the plan, Dickhead. Got no respect Go ahead asshole Don't you at least want to hear my plan It's still crown jewels

Yes I do I really do Great Because first of all dickhead You give me some crown jewels And I'll find a Russian who wants to buy it I guarantee I'll find a Russian oligarch By tomorrow lunchtime That wants to buy the crown jewels

Garen fucking teen I'll get I'm like millions of those crown jewels Million Okay Russian oligarchs love that shit They love all sorts of like kitsy shit. And by the way... Kitchy like the crown jewels.

That's his kitch emporium. You're talking... We got those cupid dolls. We got a cat poster. And the crowned the most famous jewelry in the history of man. Spare grail around here somewhere. Well, look, man, if you steal the Mona Lisa,

there's only one customer for it. There's a fucking Russian oligarchs, or maybe some Saudi princes. That's it. Those are the only people are buying it. Okay. So I'll find a customer, not a problem. Or maybe I'll just fucking wear it

because I have a whole closet full of crowns, home. I wear crowns all the time. You're talking to a guy who wears crowns. Do you have a real crown? I have metal crowns, but they're not that. They're not the crown jewels. I'll just say that. I wish you had a real, like real custom-made one. Yeah, well, that's why I got my eye on the crown jewels, buddy. Okay, so I went to the Tower of London, right? Okay. Walked right in. Just walked right in. Lines?

Whatever. Okay. So I'm in there, and there's only, you know, there's like some cool torture shit to see, and then there are a bunch of, like, fucking placards to read. And you're walking around, bored to tears, and then you're looking for some food, and all the food sucks there, so you're just, you're stuck drinking fucking flat Pepsi, looking for food and bored. And the only thing worth seeing is the... Pepsi is a great problem.

We'll bring in Pepsi sometime. But you're looking around to see that if there's anything to do in the Tower of London, that's cool, whatever, but it's not like a huge event unless you go to the Crown Jewel Room. And the Crown Jewel Room, the line is just winding and it snakes around, and there's portraits,

and all sorts of just, you know, cool, cool shit to see in there, right? And the crown jewel of the event is the crown jewel room. Right. Right? Uh-huh. You walk in, and they have all the different crowns and jewels for the monarchs. The monarchs.

Yeah, the monarchs, right? Gifts from other dignitaries throughout history and stuff like that. So here's how I went into that room. And honestly, it was a mistake, but I found a huge loophole in their security. I walked in through the exit. I just walked right in through the exit. Okay. Security guard looks at me,

tips his hat, and I just kind of like look at them back, and I said, okay, I guess I'm in here. And I walk in like an asshole, look at all the crowns, you know, the crowns in there, and the security for this place is atrocious. It's the crowns,

these priceless things, are sitting there behind plexiglass. That's it. It's just like a little thin layer of plexiglass. Bro, there's more security between you and I write. now. My laptop screen is thicker than the screens on these crown jewels. Okay. So I thought, and then I walk outside after I'm done, I get my fill in like five minutes, I'm done. So I walk outside and I see the wall to the Tower of London. It's like, I don't know, maybe 15, 20 feet high.

Okay. And I thought if I just pogoed right over that wall or I had a jet pack, I could run in there, grab the fucking crown jewels, knock over the tubby security guard. who's he seems like a nice guy but just one dude the beef eaters yeah the beef eaters yeah yeah that's what they call their security guards the beef eaters whatever they're guarding the crown jules

please beef eaters forget it I'm the real beef eater buddy yeah so you just run in there make a grab for the crown jewels hop over the wall you're done you hop on a motorcycle you go over the London bridge fucking down you're in paradise

for the rest of your life addicts I really think that their security would stop you you think so there's just one guy he didn't even have a fucking gun. I bet the security that they have is the kind of security that you don't see. No. Like with, no, like with cameras, eye in the sky. They've probably got, you know, a bunch of hidden bee feeders around. How far do you have to go from the point of the crown jewels to get

out of the Tower of London area? You know what I'm saying? It's like 20 feet. You run 20 feet to the wall, hop over that wall and you fucking hop on a motorcycle, you're gone. They don't even have time to react. You're gone so fast. I'm not even shitting you, dude. Banks have better security. The White House has better security. And people penetrate the White House all the time. There's that crazy dude of the Pokemon who jumped the fence and then ran towards... He got like to the front door of the White House. Yeah, but some fucking dogs got him.

Well, yeah, and he kicked him. He kicked the dog. Yeah, but what if he got a jetpack? Wait, doesn't London have the most cameras of any of the city? Yes, yes. Oh, CCTV, please. I pissed right in front of a CCTV camera. Right in front of one. They're probably used to that. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think you're going to get away with this. Well, not now, because they're going to beef up their security. Because they listen to this podcast, I bet. Oh, man. Do you think we know anybody who works security over there? Like any kind of London cop or anything? Somebody, if it's as easy as you're making it out to be, someone will have tried this. Dick, I'm telling you, nothing easier. I plan heist all the time in my mind just to see if I...

They're great. Yeah, just to see if I can, you know? Just like trying to poke holes in security, which I see all the time. Oh my gosh, there's this bank. There's this bank that I go to sometimes. The worst security. There's a huge, huge hole in their security. I'll tell you after the episode.

Yeah. You missed your calling. Being a bank robber? I was going to say being an inmate. What a dick. Anyway, this is a superconductor, not a hoverboard. Yeah. When you cool certain materials to an extremely low temperature,

in this case, negative 197 Celsius. they become a super conduct they become super conductive if you position them near a magnet during that cooling process they oust the magnetic field and effectively remember their position relative to the magnet there's a video that lexas just posted that's why i'm so pissed off about this where it shows these skateboarders trying to use the quote unquote hoverboard and it's uh it's embarrassing it's like watching a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond like they stumble around they jump on it they jump off as it approaches new things in terror because they know they're going to break their wrists if they stay on it. There's no friction on this thing. There's no fun to it either.

No. There's no fun on it. Would you call two magnets that are just levitating on top of each other? Would you call that a hoverboard? No, I wouldn't. No, because it's just magnets. It needs more power. Yeah.

It's not a hoverboard unless you can go someplace that wasn't specifically designed for your hoverboard, your quote, hover. Let's not even call it hoverboard. Just like a flying car is not a flying car if it's a shitty air. that can fold its wings up on top of the car. Then it's a fucking airplane. Yep. Right. Amen.

That's a great fucking example because I'm so tired of flying cars and people who's a flying car. No, it's not. Because you can call an airplane a flying car too then, can't you dipshit? Because airplanes have wheels. Yeah. And the airplane's not a car. It's a plane.

Because it has wings. If it has wings, it's a plane. It's a plane. Yeah. Yeah, I'm on board with that. Yeah. We've defined a box. and a flying car and now hover.

Do you remember when Hover, when Funny or Die, did that troll video, I guess what you'd call it, where they got Tony Hawk and Christopher Lloyd to come out and act like they'd actually invented a hoverboard? Yeah. I was angry even when that came out. I'm like, fuck you guys. Like, you know what you're doing. It's not funny. What you're doing is not funny.

Well, I guess that was Or Die. You know what was the best thing about that video, though, Dick? The way that it was outed. You remember what happened? Do you know what happened? No. No. So the way that video was outed, because there was a lot of speculation when it came out by a bunch of gullible idiots on the internet,

thinking, oh, my gosh, we're finally here. We got the hoverboard. Yeah. Then some girl who was like a PA for that thing listed it on her resume, and she just posted it on IMDB or something. So people were searching for this, and they came across this girl. She quickly removed it, but the damage was done. Everyone picked up the story, and they said, oh, it's fake. Yeah, there are whistleblower laws to protect girls like that, protect people like that.

So this is from a journalist who was at this demo reporting of how fun the hoverboard was. Yeah. The pro skater, Ross McGorrin, employed to master this thing for a video, but it's a bit challenging. He was supposed to be doing a demo, but yesterday fell off and almost broke his ankle. Today he's hobbling around pretending he's fine. He tells me the whole board teeters on a magnetic balance point just one centimeter wide, running lengthwise down the middle. What? Really?

Yeah. That's why they look so stupid when they're trying to have fun. the time of their lives on this amazing new technology of magnets. So essentially, that's like being on a high wire. Yeah, it's exactly what it is. Trying a skateboard on a highwire. You're kidding me? They should have gotten some of those Circus L.A. idiots to do that thing.

They should have, instead of a professional skateboarder. You're right. Because those guys are good with balance, at least. Those guys would have done it. They should have done it in the fucking first place. I don't know why Lexus, a car that I own, is committing this kind of fraud. I don't, this is not the brand that I bought into.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I think it's exactly the brand you bought into, Dick. No, I bought into a brand that was soaked in sophistication in class. And now I've got Persian racing rims and fake hoverboard jokes. Yeah. I hate, that's the thing I hate most about this was that it was just one big Lexus ad. And it was so fucking shameless.

And it's a horrible ad. It was so shameless at the end where the car drove up in between the two ramps and they built up to it. and the guy jumped the car and they, they, it was just so fucking shameless. It was like the new Jurassic Park movie with Mercedes. Oh my gosh. You couldn't, you couldn't blink and you couldn't blink and not see a

Mercedes ad. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's my problem. No more hoverboard stuff. It's not funny. There's never going to be a hoverboard? Never. Never. Never. No. That hope is what they're praying on. Never going to happen. I think that's super fucking depressing. Yeah. That's my problem.

Where are you at 105? I don't know. Do you want to do another problem? You want to save it? Well, Sean's making a scrunchy face. That tells me no. You know what? I brought in a problem that sounds like it's a bunch of bullshit,

but it's actually a real legit problem. I'll save it for the next episode. Yeah, you try to cram it in. It's never as good. No, it's never as good. Because I actually have a lot to talk about with this problem. I'll bring it in next week. Unless you have a quick one you want to cover.

Is that it? I mean, it would take like 10 minutes. Yeah. No, no, that's it. That's it for this episode. We covered a lot of ground here. We covered death and hoverboards. Yep.

And by the way, Dick, when we list this problem on the website, hoverboards, we're putting in quotes. I call it hoverboard hoaxes. Yeah. Because they all are. Okay, good. Yeah. Good.

Hoverboard hoaxes, and my problem is death. Voted up, death people. See you next Tuesday. Hey, didn't you have a song you were going to play? Yeah. Yeah, you want to play it? Well, do you have any voicemail? Um, I have a song.

Oh, I think you've heard it before, though. Okay. You motherfucker! This is such bullshit. No, fuck you. I do have a song to play dick. Oh, buddy, you had a lot of losses this week. No, I did it.

You had a lot of losses. Yeah. Pistrilylitz, you've been salty about that? That's bullshit. I called shenanigans. I call shenanigans on drop. I guarantee, if I did, if I spent more time researching this, fuck you, Grand Moody.

If I spent more time researching this, I'd find the shenanigans. I'll bring you a dissonanagan. I'll bring you a dissonanagan. distribution of all those votes. It doesn't matter. It's unreliable. It's compromised. No, no, no.

It's fine. Garbage. How do you feel about that Smash Brothers loss anyway? That can't feel good. I'm okay with it because it's like every other smash... Fuck this song. It's like every other Smash Brothers game, right? Where you have random elements determining who wins.

The only reason you won that round is because you got the random power up. No, the real reason I won that round is because you kept... jumping off the level. Oh. If you review that footage, you jumped off the level for no reason. Yeah, I'll tell you the reason

is because the level kept changing another random chance element. Yeah, but I didn't jump off. Well, because you were fucking around trying to get the power up there. No, because I'm a survivor. That's why. No matter what game it is, I'm a survivor.

Yeah. All right, let's watch your, let's watch this Titanic. No. Come on, it's a good one. I'm going to open up these packages by Lori. I got Blitz here. That's it. Okay, last time,

uh, Rose, the old lady had just showing up. Gosh, I fucking ate this movie. Now she's helicoptering in. That's a hoverboard too. The helicopter? Why not? You're hovering.

Yeah. Sure, call it a jet pack, call, whatever. It's a flying car. Yeah. And a hoverboard. They're flying skis. Essentially. I really hate that shit.

Like, I really hate the hype around the hoverboard. You know, and you know what it does is it cheapens the actual hoverboard that's coming. It's coming, Dick. I think they're going to make one. Look at this guy. It's a diamond man. They're doing their own heist. That should be interesting to you.

It sounds like more than 30 seconds, dick. No, it's exactly 30 seconds. There's no shenanigans here. It feels like about an hour. All right, that's it. Good. Good. I got a song here.

They're planning a heist, man. They're not planning a heist. They're not like my... It's not the crown jewels, but it's a jewel. You know, what's his name? Dean Kamen? The guy who, is that his name? The guy who invented the segueway?

I don't know. Could be. He kind of alluded to this hidden project that he was working on, the secret project. I think it was for the Department of Defense. And it was some kind of stilt or some kind of pogo device that allowed people to jump up to 12 feet or higher with this device. And if I had something like that, dude, you fucking, I'll be wearing the crown jewels next week.

You're spring-heeled Jack. What is that? Jack to Ripper. He had springs in his heels. Yeah. That's probably why he got away with all those prostitute murders. Wait, did he really?

Wow, that's the legend. That he could jump. Wasn't it, Sean? Springheeled Jack? He's done the legend. I never heard that one. Yeah. Maybe I just made it up.

What's your song? Kind of like the Hiroshima theory. Oh, fuck off. There's a song by Thermoptic. He, uh, this is actually a viewer. I think he found me through Twitch or something, but he sent me the song. He did. He sent this to me on Twitch on I say, check it out.

Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Your dick makes me a man. Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Please keep gay porn of me coming in. Your dick makes me a man.

Talk me out of eating gawk all night. Talk me out of eating gawk all night. Talk me out of eating gawk all night. People not want to eat, guy call, mate. Talk me out of eating. Got a call, mate. Talk me out of eating. Guy call, mate.

Talk me out of eating. Got called, mate. People not want to eat, guy call, mate. Talk me out of eating, guy called, mate. Talk me out of eating. Guy call, mate. Talk me out of eating. Guy call, mate.

People not want to eat. Guy call, mate. Talk me out of eating. Guy call, mate. Talk me out of eating. Yeah. Talk me out of eating. Guy call, mate.

People not want to eat. Guy call mate. Look at this car, man. We could have a contest. Look at this car. We could have a contest. Look at this car. If it's dick on dick.

Look at this car. We could have a contest. Look at this car. If it's dick on dick. Look at this car. We could have a contest. Look at this car. If it's dick on dick.

Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. I can trick Star-Lord and to have sex to pay. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am. Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.

I am a fucking idiot. I don't remember saying that stuff. Of course not, Dick. What an ass. I'm going to steal some jewels.