The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 66

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from yawning to yoga extremists with over 3.5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems with me is Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer, welcome back.

Episode 66. We're on a roll. People loved the last episode, Dick. They did. Yeah. They did. I loved it, too. Yeah.

It's one of my personal favorites. I knew when we were recording that episode, even halfway through, I knew that it was going to be easily one of our best of. What were the highlights for you? The highlights for me, well, I don't want to talk about myself. I want to talk about some stuff you said. That's shocking.

Go ahead. One of the quotes was a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd on an ice pond. Did you make that up? No, I'm sure I got that from somewhere. I like getting these like colloquialisms and just throwing them out to make me seem like a foxy guy. I collect them. Like I wish I just had like a book of those old folksy true blue sayings to say. Right, right.

They're my favorite things. Like, like DW Bush. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Anybody. Yeah. Well, he did that a lot, though. Okay.

Some would say effectively. I don't think so. Uh-huh. Yeah. I liked your really amazing plan to steal the crown jewels. That was my favorite part of the podcast. Well, that would have been mine if you guys didn't shit all over my, my plan. Which, okay, I have a comment here.

This is from Joseph Forsyth. And we'll get to the problems in just a second. But this is from Joseph Forsyth. He says, Maddox, it may be easier to pull heists on museums than you think. He says, I don't mean to plug another podcast, but you should give this a listen and you link to Freakonomics. You know, the Freakonomics podcast? Nope. Based on, there's a podcast called Freakonomics.

And anyway, they talked about it. They said, from the transcript, the most recent spectacular museum break-ins, the tools used have been as simple. as a pair of pliers to Jimmy open the back door of Rotterdam's Kuntzthal Museum or a ladder to climb up and break in the unreinforced window glass next to Monk's The Scream or even nothing at all as was the case in one night in 2007 when a group of drunken revelers broke into Paris's Orsay Museum and punched a hole through the Monet Oh, that sounds like a plan that you could execute.

What, punch a Monet? Punch through a wall to get it a Monet. I don't know about a jetpack. I don't know about your Pogo stick capers to steal the crown jewels. It didn't have to be a pogo stick dick. It could have been a jet pack. Look, if I just had a jet pack, it would solve all those problems. Yeah.

Anyway, last week, the biggest problem was hoverboard hoaxes, followed by death. Yeah. They were pretty close. It was nine, uh, they were both in the 900s as of this recording. You know, I went into that episode thinking that death was a huge problem, but a lot of the commentary made me think about it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Oh, the dumb-ass commentary.

I got some real dipshit fans. I got some, this. Some of the dumbest fans, I, okay, I already thought low of you guys. And then after last episode, I think even lower. I think less of our fans. So salty. I didn't think it was possible. Listen to this guy.

Adam Lewis, listen to this. Hey, Maddox, how is death the problem? And then he has a quote in here, As long as men die, Liberty will never perish. So Maddox wishes Hitler was still alive? Yeah, do you? Good one. Moron, the only reason Hitler was

problem is because he killed, murdered millions of people. That's why Hitler was a bad guy, because of death. Death is what made Hitler a bad guy. But it's also the solution to Hitler. It cancels out. Death is the problem and the solution. Therefore, it's kind of a wash.

No, it's not. It's like no-it-all-suses. No, it's not a wash. Feels good in the massage, but they also annoy you because they know it all. It's a wash. It's not a wash, Dick. Just because one man died, Hitler died, it didn't balance out the six million Jews that died.

Well, apparently the fans think so. Here's another one about death. Here's a voicemail about death. Why, it's not a problem. Yeah. Hey, Manix, you know what kind of cell does not die? Cancer, go fuck yourself. Yeah.

Cancer cells don't die. That's why they're a big problem. Cancer cells can be killed. They can be eradicated with radiation. Oh, by the way, I just want to follow up, too. That Adam Lewis guy, who sent me that last comment, I said, hey, that's a good argument. and then he wrote back and he says,

Matt, actually, I can't tell if you're being genuine or not, moron. Were you? No. And by the way, that quote, as long as men die, liberty will never perish. Here's another quote by that same person.

It's a great quote. Here's another quote by the same person. I remain just one thing and one thing only, and that is a clown. Charlie Chaplin. That was a Charlie Chaplin quote. Smart guy. Yeah, real poet.

Real poet that Charlie Chaplin. What, you don't like Chaplin? Why would I like Chaplin? Because he was like a... thinker and a sensitive artist and he had like insights into the period that he lived in and he revolutionized comedy at the time you got all weepy over robin williams you're not going to blink twice about charlie chaplin it's because i've never met robin williams dick you're the only sensitive artist i like all right hey if that might be the same adam lewis he sent us a really

good erotic story that i'm going to play at the end of the podcast okay good i got a comment from dirk tungsten he says hey maddox death is actually not a problem and you wonder why your problems get voted down fuck you I don't give a shit I don't give a shit vote it down I don't need your stupid shitty votes fuck you fuck you dumb ass votes

listen to this moron uh huh death is actually not a problem it's a big help it's no apostrophe it's a big help and then this is his argument for real this is his argument

the death of grammar that's a big problem about it I'll agree with I'll agree with that he says think about vampires vampire And this isn't satire either This guy's just an idiot

Listen, vampires want to die Ever see interview with the vampire? Yeah, all he wants to do is die Because that would be great But he's a vampire now he can't die That's the argument The documentary The documentary interview with a vampire

About two gay vampires Yeah Well this guy does make a good point Brian Eagleston says I don't think we would be I don't think we would be here to debate this If death weren't a solution Think of pre-human earth without death, if there was no death, which is the biological incentive to reproduce, evolution would be toast since unfavorable mutations and organisms wouldn't be susceptible to natural selection.

That certainly objectively is true. Without death, natural selection would not exist. Evolution would not exist. There would just be a deathless universe of protoplasm and photons. That's it. There would be no life. There would be no evolution without death. Dick, I think you and that, I'm sorry, you were going to finish? Well, that's, when you bring in a problem like death, you're talking a very large scope. Like when I'm bringing in piss driblets, it's an annoyance. Either you vote it up because it's annoying or you vote it down because you don't think it's annoying. When you bring in death, you better have a pretty good fucking case because that is like a part of life, the universe and everything. And that's why it didn't get as, uh, that's why I didn't get voted up as much as you wanted it to, I think.

Okay, that's a very impassioned argument, Dick. I really appreciate that. Already insulting. Already insulting. Why is my attempts that sounding sincere sounds insulting? You can't stump me while I'm wearing this Trump hat, okay? He's about to use the word myopic. Yeah. If you think I'm stumpable, I am not stompable today. I have a anti-stump force field around me, so you better not even try it today.

You've got an icon of being stumped on your head, dickhead. Didn't even feel that stump. Which, okay, so you said that evolution wouldn't occur without death. Yeah. Not true, not true. How is that done true? You, you and that, what was? a voicemail or the writer, the caller.

Let's call them a caller. Lack a very basic understanding about evolution. Evolution isn't entirely natural selection. Evolution can occur through a number of different processes. It doesn't have to be natural. It doesn't just have to be by chance through nature. There's a lot of ways that evolution can occur. But here's the nuance that you morons aren't understanding.

It's not. False, right, Sean? False. No, it's not false. It's not false. Ask a biologist. You need it as a step. What, death?

Death. You got to cleanse that gene pool of everything that is not beneficial to the species. Yeah, no, that's not true. That's not true. Not necessarily true. Easy Hitler. Yeah, right? Talk about cleansing.

Here's the thing about death. So some people are like, hey, here's the Maddox versus Maddox. Maddox brought in euthanasia as a solution, but he also brought in death. I don't understand. You guys need to take a fair point. a lesson, you need to learn a lesson. In hypocrisy. The lesson is this. It is, it is

all versus many. Okay? All versus many. You need to understand sets and subsets. Oh God. Okay. It's very basic shit. I recommend there's a really good educational program. It's called preschool. Okay? Go to fucking preschool

and learn the difference between all and every. Or excuse me, all and many. Yeah. There's a, there's a real difference. And I even acknowledge that Some death was a solution in that episode. We both talked about it. Well, it's very complicated, Doc. Yeah.

I got a comment from Chris Simmos. Simos. He says, Maddox, I'm a huge fan of the show. I found your bit of advice regarding suicide, which I've enclosed in this email, to be very inspiring. Anywho, keep kicking ass because that's the biggest solution in the universe. And he sent me this sound clip, because remember a couple episodes back, I talked about suicide.

Yep. And how, if you were feeling suicidal, I gave you some advice. he he splice together some clips here here it is okay i just want to say guys if you are feeling that way if you have those thoughts if you have those considerations uh i read this somewhere and i'm not sure it'll help but why not just take 10 slices of pizza shove it down your throat as far as possible so you can't breathe then throw yourself off a clip it's good advice yeah good advice thank you chris tells how it works out for you i got a comment from davy johnson I don't know if I necessarily agree with this.

I want to get your input on it. Mature video games are for adults in the same way that sports drinks are for athletes. Mature video games are marketed to 15-year-olds or those with the mind of one who think being an adult means swearing and blood splosions. It's all garbage written by autists. Hmm. Yeah. Oh, good argument. Real good argument.

What do you think about that? It's marketed towards 15-year-olds. That's why the average gamer is 15 years old, right? Oh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, it's not. The average gamer is still 35 years old. And by the way, Dickhead, the number of gamers under the age 18 is something like 15%.

It's like 15 to 30%. It's a minority. So I guess either the marketing doesn't work or he's wrong and it's not marketed towards the 15-year-olds. That's his opinion. Yeah, no, I get it. You got on the voicemail. This one shit's on me. Hey, this message for Dick.

Hey, Dick, why? Why the fuck? Just because you haven't enjoyed Lion King, he's like, oh, okay. Let's kill the fucking lion You know the black people They don't mind Because you know The famous lions We can kill it

You know You get there $50,000 to these Evil people Over here that's still lions And not get the money back To the people What's your evidence Huh

You was acting about Maddox evidence Fuck a fuck All right Go fuck yourself in the ass I could be wrong But I think that's the same guy That's shit on you Sean I was just gonna say that

Right Yeah Sean you fucking asshole I remember that guy. You're just mad because black we were trying to get up in the world. You were saying something like that. Well, I'll tell you what, when lions starts singing and dancing, then I'll be anti-poaching.

Yeah. And the only reason people cared about that lion, well, not the only, but one of the main reasons is fucking Lion King. They think it's like fucking Lion King. And by the way, Lion King is such a horse-shaped movie. I finally watched it about a year and a half ago for the first time. Why? What were the circumstances of that?

Well, because it was in 3D at the Disney theater, the El Capitan. That's the Disney theater. And you were just walking by, and you're like, well, I got to see if it's in 3D. Yeah, well, you know, and at the time I had a girlfriend who was nagging me, nagging, I tell you, nagging me to go see this movie. And I'm like, fuck it, fuck it, I'll go see this fucking movie. Because it's in 3D, it's right there, whatever. What did you think?

It was fine. It was okay. It was like a 15 minute short, stretched out with a bunch of fucking songs. And I didn't get why they kept singing. Every few minutes, sing another song, oh, look at the moon. And, uh, oh, look at the moon. Look at the moon over there. Yeah.

Acuna matata. Yeah. I just can't wait to be king. I hate that song. I hate that song too. And by the way, they... Be prepared. They hold up...

It's such hoarshit. They hold up the lion. Like, here's your king and all the animals are bowings. Like, okay, this is a guy who's going to kill us. Jesus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the symbolism.

Which is ripped off from a Japanese cartoon. Oh, I was going to ask about that next. Himba. Yeah. Like blatantly. Blatently. Blatently. Yeah.

Anyway, Dick. We ready to move on to the problems here? Yeah, you want to go first? Sure. Oh, wait, I do I have one more thing to say. Our bonus episode, number 10, is now available on iTunes at the price of $199. So if you're in iTunes, you know, if you have a big penis and you don't like screwing around with shitty technology, you have an iPhone, you shop on iTunes. Go check it out.

Good. You know, yeah, so we're still trying to figure out that problem. When it's first posted iTunes, it's set to $999, right? Yeah. The price. and instead of the correct price of 2099. Anyway, guys, my first problem this week is shit. Like usual.

Shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Already. Already shitting on my problem. Shit's a big problem. Yeah. I just even use the word shit to describe a bad thing about my problem.

Yeah. And the bad thing is you shitting on it. It's a big problem. Yeah. I agree. 100% of people shit. Yeah. Some way or another.

Even animals shit. It's something you don't want to do, eat, or be. Yet when we die, we all turn into some form of shit. The only thing that eats shit are plants, bacteria, and some forms of insects who then turn shit into a different kind of shit. Insect shit. You've never had a dog. Yeah, they'll eat shit. Yeah.

Doggy shit all the time. That's all they do. It's a delicacy. Dogs love eating shit. When shit hits the fan, you. You don't want to be around either literally or metaphorically, right? It's messy. It smells.

And that's when it's normal shit, right? When it's runny like diarrhea, watch out, buddy. My friend is watching dogs right now. And the dog, one of the dogs, people think dogs aren't a problem. Oh, you just pick up their shit, put in a bag. Well, what if it's diarrhea? Yeah, it can be a little runny sometimes. You can slip and fall in it.

You can crack your head open. You crack your back. On dog diarrhea. Well, you get, there's a much, there's an even better argument. What? That combines multiple, multiple of your problems. What's that? I would say, shit is a huge problem with babies.

Baby shit? Also one of your big problems. Because they just shit everywhere, man. Yeah. That's, that's your life. When you got a baby, it's cleaning up baby shit. It gets everywhere. And if you think it stays in the diaper, you're dreaming.

It gets all over the place. And then when it's done being in the diaper, then you've got to potty train these motherfuckers. shitting all over the place. Like you're bartering with them, you're bartering with them on where to shit. Kids. Yeah. This is what, it's a struggle that parents have to

commit you for weeks. For months. You give them, so how do you potty train a child? Like, do you give them a treat? Like a doggy treat? Like, hey, don't shit. Like, if they shit, do you rub their face in it? Like, what do you do to a baby? I'm seriously, I don't... That's what I've heard, yeah, you rub your... No, you...

That's the same thing, but emotionally. You don't give them a treat, but you, like, reward them you praise them when they do it correctly. But they're babies. They don't understand. They're idiots. They totally do. When babies comprehend words? They don't comprehend words until like they're five or something, right? You are. First of all, they comprehend, like, the intent of what you're saying very early.

Within like the first six months, they're reacting to what you're doing. They can speak and understand in complete sentences before their things. Like asking you questions and like making leaps of imagination and like hypothesizing things. Like what if this happens and I do this and like fucking with people? They can do that well before three. They can understand at like one and a half. So when you're bartering with them and they're shitting in their pants and they're shitting all over the yard. I was babysitting my nephew last week.

He's three and he's going through potty training. Yeah. Dude standing in the yard. We're looking at some coy. Like we're looking at the coy pond. and we're screwing around outside, going to swing. He hops off his underpants, and just shits right there.

And he's like, eh, got to go. And I'm like, well, that's better than the underpants, dude, I guess. What was the punishment for this egregious crime? You can't punish them for that? Like, they're struggling with controlling the impulse of having to go to the bathroom. Yeah, right. You don't, you punish them at that age

and you give them a complex for the rest of their life. Oh, man. They're trying their best as well. Sometimes. Sometimes they're fucking with you. But a lot of times they're trying their best. No, I think they're mostly fucking with you. You give me one day back as a five-year-old man.

I'm going to shit all over the place. I don't give a shit. And who's going to punish me? Well, my parents would. My parents probably would. Yeah. I remember getting yelled at for shitting all over the place. Yeah.

You know what? I remember a long time ago, one of my earliest memories was my brother took a big turd, took a big dump on our couch. How old was he? He was like crawling age? What is that? Like four or five? So he

We're learning so much about Maddox No wonder you ate babies He didn't go through the bed wedding phase He was shitting his bed till he was 11 Yeah No dickhead I didn't shit I was well trained I was flushing it too Wait a minute, crawling phase

But your brother's older than you isn't he? No he's younger Yeah My younger brother Yeah Crawling phase is under two Definitely Okay well then he was under two

Whatever he was he was crawl He left this It looked I remember it looking like a candy bar. It just looked like a perfect turd and it was a straight line too like a straight line perfect turd. It was great and my parents were so pissed. I remember that my mom like cleaning and cursing

and cleaning and cursing. That's all she did. And I remember thinking too like even at that even that age I thought well you know what are you going to do? It's a baby. Yeah. Baby's shit everywhere. They do. Shit's a big problem. Guys listen to this dick. Here's some expressions that involve shit.

These are all these are all generally bad. So when you're full of shit, that means you're a liar, right? Yeah. When you want something you can't have, that's tough shit. When you're really awesome at something, like I am, you're the shit. Oh, wait a minute. That's a good thing. It's a good thing. Shit can be good,

shit can be bad in expressions. King shit. You can be king shit. Our improv group... Our improv group... Dick and I start an improv group that... We've done... I think, what is it, zero shows now? Yeah, zero shows. But we have a logo. The dumb shits, right?

The, uh, no, the king shits, Sean. Fuck you, Sean. When you're not really awesome at something, you ain't shit. Yeah. Uh, when you're incredulous, you say, no shit. Then when you say something that's not true or believable, that's bullshit. And then when you make a video game that I call, that I like at E3, that's coolest shit. Yeah.

Yeah. I saw that t-shirt. You're selling. Yeah. I wasn't going to plug the shirt. You did that. Anyway, man. from the CDC, an estimated 2.5 billion people, billion, lack access to improved sanitation,

more than 35% of the world's population. According to the World Health Organization and UNICEF, regions with the lowest coverage of improved sanitation in 2006 were sub-Saharan Africa, 31%, South Asia and Eastern Asia. 65% of Eastern Asia don't have improved sanitation. And in 2006, 7 out of 10 people without access to improve sanitation were rural inhabitants. I hate that word. Rural. Yeah.

Anyway, according to the United Nations and unison. How many people around the world is that that have to deal with like walking around in their own shit then? 2.5 billion. 2.5 billion people don't have toilets? Yeah, they don't have. What do? 2.5. They squat.

They have holes in the ground. They just kick it. I guess. They kick the shit. Hmm. Yeah. According to. the United Nations in UNICEF, one in five girls of primary school age are not in school compared

to one in six boys. One factor accounting for this difference is lack of sanitation facilities for girls reaching puberty. Girls are also more likely to be responsible for collecting water for the family, making it difficult for them to attend schools during school hours, then the installation of toilets and latrines may be, may enable school children, especially menstruating girls, to further their education by remaining in school. It's a big problem, man. So not being able to shit properly is affecting education, which contributes to anti-intellectualism. And female genital mutilation. And female genital mutilation, yeah.

It also contributes to slackism, probably, and anti-vactors. It contributes to hunger. If everybody was just plugged up all the time and couldn't shit, they'd never get hungry again. Right? That's right. That's accurate. Scientifically. That sounds like bullshit.

Yeah. Stump that. Yeah. Can't stump the Trump. Your stupid hat. Yeah, man. So shit's a big problem. And here's the thing.

We spend so much time, energy, and resources just getting rid of shit. For real, there is so much shit. I watched a documentary a long time ago. It's called The Wonderful World of Dung. And it was on the Discovery Channel. And I remember watching this thing. And I've probably seen it like four or five times. I bought it a couple years ago because I found it on VHS.

And it was a really interesting documentary talking about the shit industry and how much of it There is. There's so much shit. People in Africa, there are some places in Africa that still use, they make mud huts out of patties. Like mud huts. Cow pies? Yeah, they use cow pies. They use cow pies for fuel for starting fires. It's used as fertilizer and mushrooms.

Mushrooms are entirely grown in shit. Shit and damp places. Put that on your pizza. Taking a shit, though. What about it? That's pretty good. It's not a problem. Nothing bad. about, I've grown to appreciate it a lot more

as I get older. I have taken shits before where I felt like, I felt really good. Yeah. You know? Like, you know how? Like a new person afterwards. Yeah. You know how you haven't like not in a week or two? Yeah, yeah.

And you finally do, not a week or two. I've never gone that long, but like a week. Let's say a week. Even if you never, even if like, even if you have to go home for, if you're going home for Christmas and you're staying with your parents and you're like, and you're like staying in the guest bedroom now. Yeah. Because your sister got your room when you moved out, and the guest bedroom is like right next to your parents' place,

and you're like, what, I mean, it's 10.30. I got to jerk off. What the hell am I going to jerk off into? Yeah. Am I going to sneak downstairs and jerk off into the toilet? Your grandma's heard. No. That's not what I was thinking.

Why not? Okay. Even in those cases? Some cases, are you, you're on vacation with your family? What do you sneak off and? You sneak off in the- brought one out. Okay.

The first time, one of the first times I ever masturbated was in the, in the back of my parents minivan. Wow, bold. Yeah, sorry,

mom and dad if you're listening. Where were you going? We were going to fucking casino, Wendover, in Nevada. So in Utah, the closest,

the closest point in Nevada that you can go to to gamble is this glorified truck stop called Wendover, and it is just fucking awful. And we would go there all the time, and it would take about an hour and a half,

hour, 45 minutes. And it was the first, it was like, I think the day after I first masturbated, so I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just had, like, rub one out. So I was just, like, sitting back there and just...

Do you think that still happens? Because I remember that happening to me, too, like, what the hell's going on here? Yeah. What is... Do you think kids today orgasm for the first time, and they still don't know what it is? I think the Internet's fixed that? No, so I talked to Ella. You know, Ella Darling, the... She was a guest on the show.

Yeah, porn star. Yeah, porn star Ella Darling. She said that's pretty common, actually. A lot of people... Because parents don't talk to their kids about masturbation. Generally, you know. Well, we got to fix that. Me and you got to start going around to these kids when they're five,

when they can just start talking and telling them about what's happening with their dicks. You know what? I got the name for it. Jerk talks. Like Ted Talks, but for jerking off? Yeah. Did your parents ever talk to you about jerking off? No, no.

Of course not, no. When did you first learn? When's the first time? Oh, God. It must have happened in, I think I learned about orgasm. Like, it was a thing. I think I learned about it in seventh grade. Like, I learned about sexuality as a whole.

Yeah. I just, I don't remember anything specific. I remember learning the word orgasm and going like, oh, that's what that is. All right. But I remember the, like, the technique for jerking off developing over time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What's your tech?

I don't want to know. I don't want to know. It's the same as everybody else's. No, I got a technique, buddy. You roll it between your hands like silly putty. Everybody jerks off. like that. What are you talking about? You answered all my questions.

Dick, we're right out of time. I just want to say real quick. There's this, it's, it's trachoma. Tricoma is the world's leading cause of preventable blindness and results from poor hygiene and sanitation. Approximately 41 million people suffer from active trachoma and nearly 10 million people are visually impaired. Sorry, what is this? Tricoma. What is that? A poop disease? A shit disease? No, it causes blindness.

It's a, I think it's a disease. Does it come from poop? Yeah, it comes from bad hygiene. Tacoma infection can be prevented through increased facial cleanliness with soap and clean water and improved sanitation. That's according to the World Health Organization. Soap. Go vote up soap. Yeah, soap is a solution. One point eight million people die every year from diarrheal disease.

90% are children under five, mostly in developing countries. So I guess that's kind of a solution because I don't like kids. But if you do like kids, if you voted down... Death is a solution. There you go. Yeah. I agree. Death is a solution.

And you ever fucking denied that, you idiots. If you guys voted down babies Who then turn into kids And then 90% of them Under the age 5 of the 1.8 million die From diarrheal disease Then vote up shit. There you go. Yeah. E. coli.

It's shit too, isn't it? Echolite, yeah. Yeah, I actually got stats for that. Yeah, e coli is a big one. But anyway, man, yeah, we're running out of time. Oh, and here's another one. 88% of diarrhea disease is attributed to unsafe water supplies, inadequate,

sanitation and hygiene. And that's because shit just seeps into everything. Shit's everywhere. And you don't want it on you. I would rather not have shit on me than any other problem that we have on the list. Name a problem. I'd rather have... AIDS?

Would you rather have shit or AIDS on you? I'd rather have AIDS on me because I can wash it off. AIDS isn't in it. I don't want it in me. That's what the government tells you, man. I don't want AIDS in me, but I don't want it. I'd rather have AIDS on. You'd rather have shit up your butt than AIDS up your butt.

All right, Dick, what's your problem? You know what else? You didn't cover this. What? Shitting in your pants. That's also a part of shit. Yeah, that is a problem. I shit in my dad's underpants last week.

Why? This poor guy. Yeah. I was up at my parents' house building some shit for Burning Man. Just put them back in the drawer? No. No, that was, they were beyond. I couldn't sneak them back in.

But I did manage to sneak them in somewhere. I was up my parents' house building. stuff for Burning Man. Right. And I decided to crash there because I was exhausted and I was, you know, a mess. And I didn't bring any clothes. So I take a shower and my mom gave me some of my dad's clothes to wear. You know, they're a little, a little weird. I'm already a little weirded out wearing my dad's underpants. Yeah. Right? As you might be. Are they bigger or are you about the same size? No. He's slightly bigger than me. Okay. So, you know, in everywhere. So there's a, the growing is a little saggier than I'm used to, right? Already weirded out. So I'm watching, I had a, I had a bender

of a week. So I'm sitting down in the middle of the night. Everyone in the house is asleep. And I'm just sitting there watching the clockwork orange, punching away on my computer, preparing for the show. Yeah. Preparing some minutia that I can bring in his problems on the show. And I feel some gas coming on. Oh, no. I let out a trumpeter. And at the very, At the very end, at the very end, the trumpet was just the announcing party. Here comes, the trumpet was announcing a flood. So right at the end, it turned from a nice, juicy toot into a juicier squirt. And I said, uh-oh.

I got a big problem. Never trust a fart. Yeah, and I have a history of doing this, so I know, like, I know how to react immediately. I'm like the wolf from Pulp Fiction. Like, when you, if you, if you. shit your pants, you call me. I'm the fucking Calvary. If you shit your pants,

Marcellus Wallace picks up the phone. He goes, don't worry, I got Dick Masterson coming directly. And Samuel L. Jackson goes, that's all I needed to hear. I instantly go into DefCon. I'm down to DefCon 1. Because I'm

out of my home. I'm out of my apartment. Right. Right. And I have, remember, I have no clothes. So I immediately run to the bathroom, throw the shitty underpants, in the sink, spray some soap. What? How do you shit your pants so much?

You're shitting your pants more than almost everyone I know, almost. It's a combination of things. You should try drinking more. Okay. The drinking is a big problem and confidence is a big problem. What do you mean, you mean arrogance?

Whatever. Whatever you want to call it. I sit there, I say, uh, me, I say, Nick, there is no way I'm going to shit my pants today. Tonight. What am I a baby? I need diapers? I'm not shitting in these pants and then, you know, 10 minutes later, too, there it comes.

So I throw the underpants in the sink. I start washing them out and I'm like, well, what am I going to start like another load of laundry at my parents' house to wash this? That's going to be suspicious as hell, right? Like I'm downstairs washing clothes in the middle of the night? Because I don't want to tell anybody that I shit in my dad's underpants.

Except for the 50,000 listeners of the show, including your parents who were listening to the show. Yeah, well, you know. It's more charming. So I scrubbed them out, but then I, my mom had left a bunch of wet clothes in the dryer I found as I was snooping around. Yeah. And they were mine from earlier. They were mine from earlier. So after I scrubbed them out, I threw them in there and, like, turn it back on and then took a, basically took a beach towel and slept in that.

Oh, man. I wrapped it around like a toga. Yeah. Something that for the rest of the thing. Huge problem. Huge problem. Huge problem. Vote up shit, people.

All right. Hey, Dick, did your dad ever teach you how to shave? What? No, I wish you had. Today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code, biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase.

One word, everybody, biggest problem. It's one word. Not a space. No spaces in that. Just like there's no spaces in Harries. It's H-A-R-R-Y-S dot com. If you don't put it, in a space in the URL to go to our website,

why would you put in a space in the code for the... I even have it spelled out in quotes, you just copy and paste it, or just click the link. There's a link on our website, guys. Or give it a shot. Sometimes, it doesn't work one way. Try it another way. Try it another way. It's very easy. Yeah. Harreys.com was started by

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I've gone through two tubes of shaving gel, shaving cream. Yeah. Whatever. Greatest shave ever. I bought, I have the butter, Dick. I can give you some of my extra butter. Oh, I want some of your butter. You're sure.

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Yeah, Dick, I'll churn some butter for you in the back of my family's mini video. What, Sean? What? No one was the wise. By the, for anybody listening, we're simulcasting this on Periscope. Yeah, this is the first time we're doing it.

I don't know if we'll do it again. We're just testing it out. But what do you think so far, Dick? I don't know. Is it distracting or is it? No, it's not distracting. Yeah? All right.

Were your parents talking to you? Like, when you were jerking off in the minivan? Are they trying to have a conversation? No, my mom had her. Arabic music on. Oh my God. So it's just a bunch of like really weird like trumpets and la la laas and weird shit. So yeah, it was pretty weird.

It was pretty weird. It was a weird experience. That's pretty weird. Which by the way, is a new fucking, it's a huge trend in hip hop now is to have like fucking Middle Eastern horse. I noticed that. And everything. Yeah.

I don't want to, you know what? When we were growing up, I heard people say that, that all hip hop sounded the sound of the, all the rap sounds. it the same. It didn't. It didn't. And I never... Everything sounds the same to you if you're not a fan of it. No, I think that certain genres lend themselves more...

Yeah, reggae and ska sounds exactly the same. Same fucking song, every single one. And same thing with a lot of like new metal, new metal sounds all kind of samey. But now the current genre, the current trend of hip-hop, and I'm talking about as of like the last six months,

it all sounds the same. And this is not... This is me as a fan of hip-hop, and I like this stuff. I like some of the modern stuff, too, but they're all using that fucking trumpet. What trumpet is that? Oh, that's a trumpet? I don't know. I don't know what is.

It's not a sitar. I thought it was a dying cat. Yeah, it could be. Anyway, man, what's your problem? My problem is data caps. Data caps. Yeah. You know what those are?

Sean, I didn't know what they were. You know what those are? Sean, how do you not know what a data cap is? I thought it was more technical than it was. I didn't know it was just like a phone, you know, like he only have so much data a month. Oh, okay. Well, there's a lot of different kinds of data caps. Well, however, if you search the internet.

for what is a data cap, it doesn't exist. Like every, no phone company calls it a cap. Cable companies are tripping over themselves and like throwing hissy fits at newspapers when they call it a cap. Like, it's not a cap. We just start charging people up the ass when they get more data than we allowed them. That's not a cap. You know why?

A cap would be if we killed them. Oh, sure. You know why? It's because they use that phrase, that word, unlimited. Unlimited means something, you fucks. Unlimited means unlimited. All you can eat. and no bottom in sight.

It's a bottomless pit, man. That's what unlimited means. So if they start saying that it's capped, well, guess what? Suddenly they're going to have lawyers up their ass and they're going to have a class action lawsuit. That's why they're tripping over themselves to say. Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, well, we just charge more. It's unlimited, but you charge more. Well, then it's not unlimited, is it, dickhead? Because my funds aren't unlimited. Fuckface. Yeah, they have a cap. That's how you get taxes passed without a vote. You call them fees.

Obamacare. Yeah, yeah. No comment about Obamacare, Dick. Stump the Trump? I told you I'm unstumpable. Okay. That's in the past. What I want is a one-payer system.

I want to get rid of the borders. Oh, right. Send all the rapists back to Mexico? Yeah, someone's doing the raping. We both know that. Yeah. Okay. So what do you want to do you about it?

I went to get a new iPhone. I remember we talked about this a couple months ago. I was getting a new phone. Yeah. I was upgrading from the iPhone 4. Right. And I ended up going with an iPhone 5S, just because I want to face time with my family.

I don't care. about any other shit. So, so that, that, and I called it too, by the way. When you said you were going to get an Android way back when? Yeah, it didn't happen. Well, then I talked to my dad about it. He's like, well, then you can't FaceTime with the kids. I'm like, oh, yeah, then fuck it.

There's so many better solutions. What, I'm going to explain to my sister and her husband how to use a better solution? I'm just going to FaceTime. I don't care. It's like three words. No, sorry, it's two words. Download Skype. Skype is not as good.

Okay. It just doesn't, it's right there. Anyway. Okay. Anyway. All the sudden, because. we were going from a 3G device to an LTE device,

my unlimited data disappeared. They're like, well, what data plan do you want? Like, what do you mean what data plan do I want? The same fucking data plan I've always been on. Unlimited. Yeah. The same data plan that God intended, the same data plan that everybody in America wanted

when we gave you hundreds of billions of dollars to build all your stupid fiber optic networks all over the country. I want that data plan, you bitch. What do you mean? How much data do I want? All of it. Give me everything you got pumping straight into my fucking veins. Yeah.

And she's like, well, that plan doesn't exist. Oh. Well, what is it? Two gigs, fine. Couldn't possibly use over two gigs, right? Oh, yeah. Well. So, whole family upgrades. Now, every month, the package we're on climbs.

Yeah. Two gigs. Three gigs, four years. I think we're up to six fucking gigs now. Yeah. And every single jump is like $20. miraculously, miraculously, the system will come to a crashing halt if everybody is just allowed to use the data. But somehow, a $20 fee magically fixes that.

A nice round $20 number. You know, like when you go on the freeway during rush hour and they're like, well, the freeway's fucked, you're like, oh, what about if I slip you a five? They're like, ah, then it's fine. Then there's no traffic at all. Then you totally fixed it. Yeah. Yeah, man, that really fucking pisses me off. And T-Mobile fucked me, fucked me dry, right in the butthole. With, uh, with, with, uh, with I had an, I was grandfathered in with an unlimited data plan.

I was paying $67 a month. I had unlimited data in 450 minutes because fuck talking on the phone. I never answered my phone. I hate it. Phones are garbage. Anyway, so I had this unlimited plan and then I got a new phone and they, they said, they told me I would be grandfathered in and they fucking bump me off my unlimited plan. It's such bullshit. You. You sold me an unlimited plan. Go, fuck. They should. They just bullshit. You sold me an unlimited plan. go fuck yourself i'm it's not my fault you guys didn't predict technology you guys should have seen that shit coming years ago AT&T is the biggest fuckups of all AT&T way back in the day what dick when i buy into a new service or say for example i was looking for a shipping uh system for my for my t-shirts in my online store which you guys on on periscope can see right now yeah no you dick ed

what nass i'm not plugging my shit that just comes up because we're in the room you should they're great shirts they're high quality they're funny design all right $5 off, biggest problem. Anyway, Dick. So when I was looking for services, like a cell phone service, I would go to Google and I type in AT&T sucks, Verizon sucks, Sprint sucks, et cetera, et cetera, and see whichever one had the fewest number of results, that's the one I went with. And way back in the day it was AT&T, and AT&T had the best service.

It was really good. Their customer service was great. They didn't charge you up the ass. And then AT&T did something really fucking stupid, and they got rid of their mobile division. and they sold it to Singular. Now, a few of you might be wondering. I remember Singular. Yeah, you remember Singular.

Way back in the day. But some of our listeners might not because there's no such thing anymore. Because what happened is AT&T decided to focus on their landlines and their, you know, their legacy customers. Yeah. Worthless technology. Worthless technology, which was a dying industry. And then suddenly, Singular no longer exists. They wanted to buy Singular back.

So they bought it back. So they just wasted a whole bunch of money. And then AT&T was never the same again. Anyway, that's, uh, that's, uh, so then I switch to T-Mobile and they, I supposedly have my unlimited data plan, but these fucking idiots didn't have the foresight of technology, the technology that would, that has nothing to do with it. I'm going to tell you exactly. It's, it is 100% profit. It's a 100, it is 100% a business decision and in my, in my opinion, rampant collusion. And it is.

It is. Fucking robbery. Oh, yeah. First of all, first of all, the idea that the next The network needs this cap to sustain itself is a fucking lie. Remember when, first of all, remember when rates were different after 9 p.m.? Like remember when you had unlimited calls at night and you got hit during the day. Right. Like you got charged during the day as calls. Make sense. Why does it make sense?

Because there's no fucking calling going on at night. Because a network lives and dies on throughput. Everybody knows it. The wires are always there. The equipment is always there working away. It's always, it handles X. And when that X is exceeded, then there's fuck-ups. But until you get there, it costs them absolutely nothing to run this network.

So what are they, they're not paying by the fucking photo, they're not paying by the electron. They don't shove data through and they've got some little, some little dude with a tabulator going, one electron, two, it doesn't work like that. And that's, somehow they rebranded it. So everybody accepts that as reality when it is a fucking lie. Falsehood at best. Misleading at best. You know, Dick, it's similar to Dropbox in that Dropbox has data caps.

It does. Dropbox has data caps. And your data caps on Dropbox, like uploading. Here's the thing, Dick. I just recorded at the YouTube studios eight new episodes of the best show. And I had to upload that shit, right? Because I use cloud storage. I hate it, but I use it.

I use Google Drive-by, which is infinitely better than robots. The point is, Dick. When you're uploading all the shit to these cloud storage services, that is also coming out of your data cap. So they're hitting you on both ends. They're hitting you on your data transfers, and they're charging you for your data that you're storing in the cloud. Let me tell you why that is small ball.

Because they are not a public... They aren't even close to a public utility. The internet should be. The internet was built as a public utility. Like a fucking rubber. When there's a highway between L.A. when there's no highway between L.A. and Glendale, and it turns out that there's a lot of commerce going on between there, and people say, well, the roads are jammed. How am I supposed to get to my job in L.A. from Glendale? They don't say like, stay home. Fuck you. You used your cap of roads for this month. Fuck you. They build a bigger road. That's how the internet works. I don't care what political spectrum you live on. The internet is a utility. Sounds like... It's not Dropbox.

It's very different than Dropbox for that reason, I think. And we give them, we give those fucks at the telecom companies and the cell phone companies, tons of money to build this infrastructure out, and they never fucking do. Yeah. Well, yeah, and a lot of it was built with tax subsidies that, you know, we can't... Hundreds of billions. Yeah. And there was a big lawsuit.

I think it was in 1996 or 97 where some local internet service providers sued the cable companies to be able to use their cable. lines that were subsidized by taxpayers. Yeah. To tap into that and use it for their own DSL, their own private cable service. So there'd be more competition. Well, the cable companies lobbied,

and they won that ruling. And the same thing's happening now. You want to hear how much money they get politicians? I got a shitload of stats on this. Yeah, let's hear this. Okay, let me pull this up. Gizmodo had how much money do big cable companies give politicians. Two million, their figures say it was two million bucks,

and it was split equally between everybody who's on the telecom industry panel, except one lady Maria Cantwell, everybody else, they gave 10 grand, 10 grand, 10. It was like the big four telecom companies, a grid. It was a grid of the big four telecom companies on top, and all the senators who are in charge of, like, making sure they don't fuck us, and it was just an array of $10,000 donations. And what were these donations for, just their political campaign? for their political campaign, just outright buying them out.

Are these corporations, by the way, Dick? What, these companies? Why are you turning it into this weird corporation? This is a big problem, Dave. Of course they're corporations. Of course. But where is the failing here? The failing is on the part of these corrupt scumbags who are letting them get away with it.

They should be hanging these people. The politicians? I don't, somebody's got to get hung for it. I don't care who it is. We're now in a system where you're in a system where you're in. incentivized not to use your technology. You're incentivized to turn LTE off to make sure you're using your precious Wi-Fi signal so you don't get dinged to death with $10 a month charges.

But then they dinged you again because even if you use your Wi-Fi service, you're going to have a data cap on your home network too. Like with Time Warner or Comcast or any of these guys, they're starting to cap it at like what, 20 gigs, 15 gigs, 30 gigs? No, I got that too. They got a 300-gig cap Comcast does. They finally acquiesced, however, and this is even more insidious, I think. They have an incentive where if you use less than five gigabytes a month, they'll give you like a $5

discount or something like that. So they're trying to train people to use way less so they can in the future, I think, hammer people who use anything more than the bare minimum. See, if they incentivize people to try to use less than five gigs, over a year or they're going to artificially deflate internet usage to a point of like acidism and then if you use a reasonable amount like a hundred gigs they're going to say oh you are 20 times the average yeah you're getting fucked yeah meanwhile they're making 97% profit on high speed internet according to the huffington post 97% that's because it's a plug and play business they're

not adding any value to your to your service not at all they and the customer service is shit i'm still fucking waiting for time warner to come out and fix their fucking lines from two weeks ago these shitheads i told them hey guys the line the line by my house it's hot it's there's a tree branch pressing against the line no it's it's it's about to break it's it's so tight bro it's tight bro it's tight uh bro you've seen tight wires before oh man real tight um no but they still haven't come out to fucking fix these lines and by the way so they did they also did the study. So Comcast got hammered with a class action lawsuit

I think, or there was going to be one. For throttle. Yeah. And so finally Time Warner acquiesced, as you said, and they kind of pulled back and they said, okay, we're no longer going to do this because it's fucking illegal and we're shitty scumbag dick shit. Yeah. So then they did some studies and they

did some research and they found that the people who were using most of the data were like a handful of people. Oh yeah, it's like nobody. Yeah, it's like the top 5% are using something like 80% of the network bandwidth. And also, Dick, remember a long time ago, but part of this problem, and I'm not just bullshitting here, part of this

problem is higher deaf transmissions through like 4K, 8K, et cetera, et cetera, that we don't need. It's just clogging up the network. But this is the opposite attitude I want to take. I say full throttle. You know what? Give me 4K. Give me 40K.

Send me as much as you want. Build the fucking fiber. Build it from my living room to my toilet. Make build me an entire house. of fiber. Fuck you. You know, my internet service provider in Utah, X-Mission, they had built, they

were pushing through this program in Utah called Utopia. And it was a fiber optic, yeah, it was fiber optic, and it was, I think it was up to 100 megabits at the time. This was like five, five, six years ago, which was pretty fast, but it was either 100 or 300 megabits. And Comcast, those motherfuckers, kept lobbying

it and pushing it out of Salt Lake City so that it was pushed to the surrounding neighbors, the surrounding areas, which were much smaller in population, And now guess what Comcast is rolling out? Their own fiber optic network. Right? They don't want any fucking competition.

It's total bullshit. It's total collusion. If you, like, in LA is a great example of this collusion, too. Because if you try to get Time Warner service in an AT&T area, you won't. You can't. They won't serve it to you. And there's a very clear line of demarcation where AT&T ends and Time Warner begins, and they never cross those boundaries because they know.

Yeah, you know. Yeah, they know it's just going to be more competition. for each other, and it's going to hurt both of their businesses. So they just kind of have this gentleman's agreement where they see the lines, okay, to 18th, he's over here, we'll take this area, let's not compete with each other, so that we both make more money. That's all it is. These motherfuckers.

Steal from these assholes every fucking chance you get. Well, that's the worst thing. I was sitting there today racking my brain how to steal from cable companies, because I, I, I am a 100% believer in hip them way harder than they hit. hit you. Yeah. Right? Like, someone like Comcast, like the movies.

No problem pirating shit. No problem, because fuck them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I don't know. Some movies I'm okay with it. You know what? I used to be totally against piracy, especially when it came to video games dick, but I've changed my mind.

I've changed my philosophy about that over recent years. Because it's a downloadable content? No, DLC's one thing, but also it's companies that make you buy the same game over and over and over again. I'm tired of buying the same game over again. But Sony's one of the worst... What do you buy over and over again? Well, for example, Sony...

Smash Brothers. No, dickhead. Sony, a long time ago, when the PlayStation 2 came out, they promised backward compatibility with PS1. And PS3. And PS3, same thing. They had backward compatibility,

and then they killed it because it's not in line with their business model. They just want to sell you the same game over and over again. And now I'm thinking, okay, for every game I have to buy again because you guys don't allow me to use my system again, you don't

you don't deliver the features that you promised me, then I'm going to steal one. You make me buy a game that I have that I already have, then I'm going to steal a game. All right? There you go, Dick Hedge. I have a similar philosophy. For every inquisitive, what is it called when they file a lawsuit just to get people to pay them? Movie

industry and then music industry do this all the time. They send threatening letters for you to call them up or email them and work out a deal because they caught you pirating shit. That's their move. Yeah, yeah. They're threatening bullshit, which they can't. They can't do anything about. But, but, but it's, that's such a horrible thing to do to people.

Yeah. First of all, the amount of stress that it's causing is insane for the, for the crime that, the alleged crime that was committed. Alleged crime, yeah. So for every one of those letters that they send out, I just pirate everything. That's my solution. Right? That's the way you get back.

But there's no way to get back at the cable company. There's just no, what do you do? Buy Netflix twice? Throw a brick through the window. I mean, they're insured. that causes your insurance to go up. Yeah. Anyway, Comcast response.

I thought this was interesting. I thought you might think it's interesting, too. The guy in charge of tech, let me see where it is here. Cable Cares, a parody account on Twitter, asked this guy Living Good, who's in charge of tech over at Comcast. Serious question, why are Comcast caps set so low

compared to the speeds they're being sold at? 100 megabits can hit 300 gigabytes in six hours. Like, serious question, to a tech person, your network can obviously handle a shitload of traffic. Right. So why would you cap people at something they can achieve with something you sold them in six hours? Right.

Like, you don't buy a car, and then if you floor it, it's out of gas, unless you're Tesla. If you floor it, it's out of gas in like 40 seconds. Right. You know? And he said, this was the guy's response. the tech guy's response, no idea.

I'm involved on the engineering side to manage the measurement systems but don't weigh in on the business policies. That's their tech response. Chicken shit. No idea. I mean, it doesn't get, you can't fuck your company any more than that.

Hey, why do you guys have these data caps? Tech guy. No idea. Like, that's flat out, yeah, no need to have them. To me. That answer is just, yeah, we don't need them at all. It's just to screw you. Yeah. It's just because we make 97% profit off them.

Yeah, it's entirely profit over there. I mean, I fucking hate these cable companies so much. Cable cell phone companies, it's just pure profit. And they offer no service. They constantly nickel and fucking dime you. Man, I'm going to call T-Mobile right after this broadcast. They had a $5 fee to put fiber in for libraries and hospitals. And then when that bill expired, they just left the fee on.

The amount of screwing over that they do is Legion. Like, it's really crazy. Did you say Legion? Yeah. There is a plethora of a fuckery out of the cable companies. At the data caps. There you go. That's my problem. We almost broaden the scope of this problem to more like cable companies. But let's keep it to data caps. But yeah, man, I think... Oh, yeah. It's definitely only data caps.

I was going to talk a little bit more about the cable companies. But anyway, Dick, do we have time to go on to another problem? I got one. Do you want to do one? Yeah, I got one. Yeah, well, you know what? Whatever. I got to... Let me read you some tips of the Citizens Utility Board. This is the tips they give you to fight data caps. Turn off your apps.

Turn off GPS. Use your cash. So basically don't use your internet. Right. Download a light, text-only internet browser, and use Wi-Fi. So basically, go back to 1998. This is what we're... This is the world we're in.

These... These... I hate it so much! These are like Depression-era tips. Like, guys, you know, try to... try to turn the lights off during the day and you only use candle power at night so that you're not taxing the electrical service too much and use your horses, you know, wisely and try not to ride during the daytime where the horses are most thirsty. Their fix is technology doesn't work. Don't use it.

Yeah. Thanks. That doesn't help me. That's where I was at. And by the way, it's only tips to help themselves. It's only tips to help their network. We don't give a fuck about your network. Don't sell us something you can't deliver you.

pieces of shit, shit, big problem. Voted up. The biggest pieces of shit this episode? Cable companies, shit. Well, the cell phone guys are just as bad. Yeah, they're terrible. Dick, I got the real biggest problem. Average day... Go ahead. I'm done. No, no, I'm done.

What are you going to say? I was going to say average data uses for a cell phone at 1.8 gigs. Coincidentally, that is where the traffic starts fucking up the network. Like, the two-gigabyte plan is coincidentally right above the average user. Oh, coincidentally. Yeah.

Okay. Real convenient. Real convenient data cap there, Dickheads. Yeah. All right, Dick. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. McDonald's. Oh, fuck you.

Yeah. I knew you'd have a problem. Chicken McNuggets, man. Oh, my gosh. He goes all day. You think chicken McNuggets are good? Shamrock shakes. Yeah?

I'm loving it. Yeah. Have you, you know Jamie, you know Jamie Oliver, right? Do you know Jamie Oliver? he's this British guy who has like this food. He's the chef. He's got cries, right? He cries about food, doesn't he?

He cries about food, yeah, he cries about food. Yeah. So, Jamie Oliver did an episode, did an episode of his show a while back where he's showing kids how they make a chicken nugget. And all these, like, dumb kids are sitting around in a kitchen, and it brings all this fresh chicken. And he puts it down and he goes, hey, who likes chicken? All the kids are like, yeah, me, me.

In fact, I have a clip here. I'll play in just a second. but he chops off the legs, he chops off the thighs, he chops off the breast and the wings. He says, who wants to eat this stuff? The kids are like, yeah, it looks so good. Then he said, well, you're not going to eat any of this. And he took the carcass of the chicken and said,

this is your chicken nugget, and the kids are grossed out. Wait, he took all the meat off and said the chicken nugget was just the chicken without the meat? Well, here it is. Here, I'll play the clip for you. No, it's not true. That's 100% false. No, bullshit. Here, I'll play the clip.

Here, hold on. And then you're left with a carcass with all the wrist. and the little bits of giblets and blood and skin and stuff like that. What do you think happens to this? So because this has got loads of connective tissue and things that really aren't meat, to be honest, you've got to put loads of stuff in it. Stabilize it with stabilizer, you know, flavoring in there

to make it taste of something nice instead of something horrible. Once they've done that, they mix it all up and make this big load of gunk. And then get a cutter and cut out our very own patty. Just like that. that, put some breadcrumbs on it. And there you go, ladies and gentlemen, our very own patty. And all we do

is whack him in a pan. Lovely. Now, who would still eat this? Yeah, so... I would. I'll take a 30 piece. Oh, 30 piece. That garbage. It's not meat, man. It's all reconstituted bullshit. It's just ground up. It's just what he said. It's cartilage and skin

fat. He's 100% wrong. No, he's not. It's reconstituted. Like, it's processed. Yeah. It is white meat. It is chicken meat. I'm on board with you that fast food is bad, but to say that they grind up carcasses and try to pass them off as food products, I think is totally fucking false. They claim that it's all white meat now.

They say specifically with white meat, don't you think that that would be, they couldn't keep that out of the headlines. Yeah, they may have. There's people all over. Remember the rumor when they said Taco Bell wasn't meat? It was like all that kind of stuff. It's like, no, it was totally, of course it was meat.

It's so easily testable. I don't understand that. No, but they do test it from time to time, and they find weird DNA in there, like lizard DNA. He's gone really conspiratorial, too. I remember that guy. All right, all right, look. McDonald's got a lot of flack for this. They found clown DNA one time.

I remember that. Clown DNA. Was it rainbow colored? Yeah. They did a lot of testing on this meat, whatever, and there was a lot of controversy that came up with McDonald's. I think due to the response to the controversy, they then changed their formula. They said, okay, we're going to use all white meat.

That's true. That's true. It wasn't always white meat. Back when Jamie Oliver did this program, I think it was still the cartilage and the carcasses and all that shit. It's been white meat for a long time. Yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah. And honestly, they don't taste any different. Well, this is from Washington's Post.

Because they're soaked in honey. No, because it's all the same chemicals they put in there. The sugar. Shit loads of sugar. The breading is sweet. It's the same stuff they use for their apple pie shells. Is it really? I believe so, yeah.

I think I read that somewhere. So you could cram an apple pie with chicken McNuggets. If you taste, they taste almost the same. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Wow. There's a lot of sugar in there. Well, this is according to the Washington Post that says Americans are not loving it.

McDonald's same store sales have now fallen or remained flat for 13 consecutive months. 13 consecutive months. According to Washington Post, McDonald's announced it is planning to close 184 restaurants across the United States. This year, 59 more than it's planning to open. The scale back is something of a historic negative milestone. because it hasn't happened in more than 40 years. The last time this company contracted was in 1970. So McDonald's, a while back, I think about a year ago,

started this campaign online where they were showing these videos. They're like, we're McDonald's, and we want to be open and honest and transparent, and show you guys how we make our food. We want to answer your questions. Sure. So they hired, what's that guy? Oh, here it is. It's Ronald McDonald?

Yeah. They hired him. He had another job. the time. Grant Imahara, they hired that he's, you know who that guy is? No, no. He's like this nice looking earnest fellow, this Asian dude from Mythbusters. Oh, okay. Yeah, I know that guy. But he doesn't really announce himself as that. So I didn't know who the fuck he was. He's just some Asian dude, whatever. So this was one of the campaigns. We're talking about food, not math. Get out of here, you nice looking Asian guy. Oh, man. Okay. Anyway, so he, he, they hired him to talk about

what's in their fries. And people tweet nasty shit to McDonald's all fucking time. All the fucking time. Yeah. They're constantly sending McDonald's shit like, hey, your food's awful. It's awful. It tastes, it's awful. I haven't eaten McDonald's in about 15 years. It is, well, when you were a kid, did you like it? I liked fries. I mean, when I was a kid. McNuggets, Big Macs, you didn't like any of that stuff?

No, man. It's like designed to taste good. Yeah, you know, if you're not... Like, it's specifically good for like a... a shitty palate. Like, if you live on that stuff, go ahead. Dick, I grew up eating a lot of Mediterranean food, which is really strong in flavor. There's a lot of garlic, there's a lot of pepper,

there's a lot of onions, and a lot of, it's just really, like, yogurt, really strong flavors. I never grew a taste for McDonald's. My mom took me to McDonald's late into my youth, like I think around age eight or nine. We'd go to McDonald's, I'd get shakes and the chick-fil-A-s, the fish-fil-A sandwich and the Big Mac and stuff like that. And it always tasted very, very bland to me.

because I grew up eating such strong flavored food So I never really grew a taste for it The McDonald's fries are pretty decent I mean I hate You know I brought in fries as a problem Which you shitheads voted down But as far as fries go They're pretty tasty fries

Which is not saying much Because a bad fry is not much different From a good fry It's like you're running for fucking office over here You're worried about flip flopping on French fries I've had a French fries I've had a French fry before I'm not saying I loved it

I'm not saying it's a solution but I have had a french fry. I might have chewed it up a little bit to get a little bit more flavor out of it, but that's all I'm going to say. Show your pie hole, dick. Fryhole. Yeah, shut your fry hole. Listen to this clip.

This is one of those videos that McDonald's made in response to people shitting on their food. Oh, God, they always fucked this up. Oh, listen to this. This is so great. Listen to this. It's about a minute long, but listen to this. So I know you've got a lot of questions. That's why McDonald's has asked me to help find the answers.

The question is, why do McDonald's French fries have 7. ingredients. How could you possibly use 17 things and put that into a French fry? Well, first of all, there aren't 17 ingredients. He's flipping a paper over. Is that all the ingredients? Like Santa's list? You're actually 19. Item number one on the list? 19. Potatoes. Okay. Thank goodness. That's a good start. Now, items two through nine. I cut this up here. This is part of the oil that's used to partially fry the French fry. at the supplier. Canola oil, soybean oil, hydrogenated soybean oil, natural beef flavor, hydrolyzed wheat,

hydrolyzed milk, dimethylosylosin, dextrose as a sugar, helps maintain the golden-fried color, sodium acid pyrophosphate, salt, canola oil, corn oil, soybean oil, hydrogenated soybean oil with TBHQ, citric acid. So at the end of the day, it's not a franken fry composed of chemicals. Donald's French fries I'm making potatoes Jesus, an ad agency did this? Oh my God

So after listing 19 ingredients Half of which have something like Eight syllables He's like well at the end of the day It's not a Frankenfry It made a composed of chemicals Guys get a mic Get a lav mic

If you're going to shoot an ad For like a multi-million dollar Fast food chain Well a lot of those were oils Because they fry them twice right Yeah they fight the restaurant And I know they got in trouble For the beef tallow

Yeah because of a while Because of Muslims, right? Muslims couldn't eat them? Just vegetarians, I think... Oh, fuck the vegetarians, that's fine. But yeah, Hindus can't eat them. Yeah, go eat somewhere else. The meat flavor tastes good.

The tallow tastes good on the fries. Are the rest of those just preservatives? I think there was about three things on there that he listed as using preservatives. And he didn't use the word preservative because people that has a negative connotation. So this is so carefully engineered. They choose every single thing.

single word meticulously. They didn't say preservative. He said, oh, it helps, it helps preserve freshness. So that's, that's bastardizing the word preservative, just saying, well, it's preserving freshness from, for the time it takes to get from the supplier to the restaurant. Maintain freshness. Oh, maintain freshness. Yeah, that's always, that's not preserved. It maintains freshness. Okay, how does it maintain it? Does it preserve it, dickhead? And by the way, remember when I brought in, what's the, what's the fat, trans fats, right? I brought in partially hydrogen. oils as a big problem because it can contribute up to 20% of heart disease, coronary heart disease, right?

So that was invented to help preserve fats that transfer from the factory to the restaurant. And they're using some of these same preservatives for the same exact reason. And they're not hydrogenated oils and there's no evidence currently for their, that they're unhealthy. Not necessarily so. I don't know. It's just like these things that they start using. Like one of the big controversial things on there is this dye isolothi.

I don't know. It's got like eight syllables in it. And he says, I know it sounds scary, but it's just an anti-foaming agent that's used in a number of different cooking things. Nobody uses anti-foaming agent. Do you use anti-foaming agent, Dick? I have no idea what that is. Nobody does. You know what it is?

It's just something so that when they put the fries in the friar, it doesn't splash up and foam and come out the sides. Well, that's what I was going to say. everything they do is designed for safety. Like you can't have one fuck up when you have that much food slinging around the country. So sure, they got a shitload of chemicals. Yeah, a lot of it's bad. It's not good for you.

But a lot of people just don't have the time to eat healthy. Realistically, they don't. They're working. They got a family to take care of. Going through McDonald's sometimes a couple times a week isn't going to kill anybody. It's not going to hurt anybody. It tastes good.

Like you can knock them for putting together embarrassing viral videos But I want it like what's really what really is bad about them It doesn't taste good. It's shitty quality food It's the bottom of the barrel It's just it's and by the way they also made this they also had this article saying that They're now going to start making their hamburgers to order made to order hamburgers Wow what a novel fucking thought I order food and you make it for me cool where can I get that experience How about every fucking restaurant so McDonald's and this

That's like a restaurants are more money, though. People can't afford that. It doesn't have to be that. It can be what they're labeling, they're saying companies like Chipotle are growing in market share because they're calling them. McDonald's own them, by the way. McDonald's owned them.

They sold them recently. I mean, it's the same company. It was a big mistake. They're calling them casual fast food places, where it's not quite fast food, but it's not quite a restaurant either. Yeah. That's what they're calling these places.

And those are starting to go. But it doesn't cost that much more to have better food. And I'm not saying, you know, you're, Dick, your expensive steak argument, oh, you pay more, you're going to get better food, better food, to an extent, to a degree. And also, you pay less and you get worse food to an extent and to a degree. But McDonald's is, like, the bottom of the barrel. It is the worst. It is absolutely, it doesn't taste good.

I really don't think it does. The people who are eating there, I think, know that. Like, I don't think they can just go to Whole Foods, pick up a pre-made meat. get home and spend four hours cooking it. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's nice to have the luxury, but people just don't have it. In fact, when you started this by saying

they're closing all those restaurants and the stock is plummeting, I think that's because during the recession, they were seeing huge increases in profits and a huge demand because it was a dollar. You could go eat for a dollar. And if they didn't have that, like, what are people going to do? They can't afford to eat nice food.

No, but it's the reason there's this whole, there's this whole argument, I hate, hate, hate the movie Food Inc. Have you seen Food Inc? Yeah. It's an awful movie. But they do have a couple good points that they make in that movie, and that is that every piece of beef that you buy in America, almost every single piece of beef, was manufactured for McDonald's because they are the number one supplier. They are the number one. They're the ones who create these factory farms and have such a high demand on beef. And because of that, because they churn these out in these factory farms, it's just really

low-quality cows. They're pumped with hormones and all this shit. It's not good stuff, but they could be doing that same thing and investing in agriculture or anything else. And now McDonald's is kind of in this limbo as a corporation because people want healthier food options. So they're starting to offer salads and things on their menu, which they're still fucking up. There's like, there's so much sugar in their salad dressing. There's so much sugar in everything on their menu. But they're trying and they're kind of lost because their core customer base wants shit because they're used to having shit in their mouths.

and they're huge dickheads, and they love sucking dick, and they're giant, dumbass assholes who are pieces of... And they don't have all day to sit around planning their next meal and an infinite fund just go around ringing up fancy food at the farmer's market. Yeah. Oh, and that's what pisses me off about food, in because they suggest... They have the audacity to suggest that people should go to farmers' markets and get their fucking groceries. Get the fuck out of here.

They're so expensive. They're so expensive. I mean, I get that McDonald's is serving a market, but man, some of their customers are real dipshits. I just want to say this. I went to a McDonald's one time. You know Dodge Viper? The Dodge Viper is a cool car, right?

A high kid out of here. It's a... It's a sex car. 96 Dodge Viper. Get out of you. Put my penis in that thing. I'll slam my penis in the door. That'll be a satisfying experience.

It's Dodge Viber? Hell yeah, baby. Go ahead. Anyway, yeah, so I went to... At my old job, there was a McDonald's next to this place I used to go to. It's like a burrito shop or whatever. And I always saw this Dodge Viper.

What, Sean? A burrito shop. There's a burrito shop. Go do it. What? Go ahead. It was good food. Anyway, I always saw this Dodge Viper parked in the parking lot at McDonald's.

I always chuckled to myself because I'm like, oh, you can afford a nice car, but you can't afford nice food. Probably the owner. Huh? He's probably the owner. He was always parked there. It was just during lunch. The car was never there, like, during. Oh, maybe the owner came in just during lunchtime, man.

It's a franchisee. Afternoon delight. He could have had a bunch of stores that he was hopping around to. Yeah. What did you want to say? Here comes the hateocracy part of it. The hateocracy. Yeah, because you and your hateocracy.

You've built an empire of hateocracy. That's what you're all about. Why McDonald's? When your argument is so clearly fast food-based, why did you single out McDonald's? Because McDonald's is the biggest, the baddest, and the worst. But if they're gone, if McDonald's is a problem and they're gone, all you got is jack in the box, Carl's Jr. you're like it's just it's it's like emptying uh i don't know it's it's like trying to drain the

ocean like you remove mcdonald's you've got hundreds of other fast food restaurants ready to take their place so macdonald's is al-cada and all the other ones are ices yeah and one is the one doing stoner marketing you McDonald's doesn't stoop to those levels do they McDonald's is your pal i don't think so they just want to cheer you up give you a happy meal yeah jack in the box wants to give you a stoner meal they want you to get high and buy egg rolls. So, Dick, one of these stupid campaigns they had online Where...

You didn't answer my question, though. You didn't answer my question. Why McDonald's? The biggest, the baddest, the worst. They're by far the worst. But McDonald's comprises of something like 90% of the fast food market. Like, they're number one. I think.

I don't think it's that high. Well, they said that Chipotle's only 5% or, yeah, it's like 5% now and Subway. Oh, actually, Subway might be number one right now. Subway's really grown. I don't know, man. McDonald's is the biggest, the baddestest. are synonymous with that fast food. Look, man, I like some fast food. I eat it in and out. In and out is a good quality burger. I feel like every time I eat an in and out burger, I don't feel like an

asshole. I don't feel like I don't feel like I just ate a bag full of like pig colons. Like I don't feel like I have that like sinking feeling in my stomach where there's where I just ate like forks and like empty containers of tuna fish. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And a boot. And a boot. And like a washing board. Uh-huh. And an and an anchor. All the things. And a book of cliches. Yeah, I don't feel like that. Because it's a better quality.

It's a better quality. They put fresher ingredients in there and it's decent. And it's also cheap. Man, you want to spend a dollar at McDonald's? You can't muster up another dollar to buy an In-Nanau burger? Come on. No, first of all, that's not an assumption. You can feed a family at McDonald's.

And with like a varied menu. Throw some chicken in there. Look, I don't eat it. I'd go way far out of my way. to try not to eat it. Bullshit, you eat McDonald's all the time. You leave behind McDonald's rappers in my apartment. Sometimes I have to hear if we record during a meal time

because I don't want to get hungry. So I pick up some McNuggets on the way over. Usually a 20 piece, which is a very reasonable price. McDonald's is awful. It's not food. What if they change their menu? What if they would like change their menu to be more healthy? Would you still be anti-McDonalds or would you be okay with them?

It would have to be two things. It would have to be healthier? If they started offering hummus, you be okay with them? Fuck you. Or Talluli. That's right. Or Schwarma.

That's racist Dick. Schorma. Fuck you. I don't need to put up with a shit. Yeah, that's definitely racist, right? I'm gonna say it was definitely racist. I'm gonna contact the Southern Poverty Law Center. I'm gonna report you for a hate crime.

Oh man, they're gonna tell you, Dick? Unstumpable. You're trying to stump them? Forget about it. Oh, man. So one of those campaigns, like someone tweeted at McDonald's because there's this picture that was floating around on the internet. with the pink slime, right?

Yeah. And supposedly it's not McDonald's. No. No. But then everybody hates them. They also had a picture of the McRib as like a frozen little square, this rectangle. And this guy said, oh man, I'm never going to eat at McDonald's. And he tweeted that at McDonald's.

And so they brought him on in one of these stupid campaigns, these PR campaigns, to show him how they make a McRib. And here's the intro to the piece. Listen to this. McDonald's bought me here because of a tweet that they saw. Someone sent me a picture of what I thought was a McRib. And I put, wow, with a bunch of O's and Ws and that looked disgusting. And I was encouraging everyone to never eat anything from McDonald's again. So I think you all want to bring me here so that I can actually see how the McRib is made

and see if my mind can be changed a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. What was the decision? Well, so they went through the entire process. They're like, well, that's not true. That's not what the McRib looks like. And that's a myth and that's just floating around on the Internet.

Then you fast forward to the end of the four-minute video, and they pull out this thing that looks exactly like the picture he tweeted at McDonald's. It's the same fucking thing. Not the pink slime, but the brick, the brick thing. Yeah, the rib-shaped McRib Patty. We all know that with the fake bones. Yeah, and McDonald's showed him the process, and they showed that these big cuts of pork that they put into the big vass.

Delicious, delicious pork. Uh-huh. Yeah, so they grind it all up and stamp it down and process it. It's just, it's shitty quality food, man. Listen to me. Because you're going to get a lot of support, because for some reason everyone hates McDonald's. I don't think we know what the reason is yet.

And I think we've proved that with this discussion today. Like, the internet is ready to pounce on them at a moment's notice. The pink slime came out, and it was the hateocracy in full force. Fuck you in your pink slime, you're fucking disgusting. Tweeting it at in line at Whole Foods. Right? Everyone should spend 27 hours a day figuring out what to eat. But it's something about McDonald's that people hate.

I'm going to say spoiled fucks hate. And I don't know, and I think you might hate it for real reasons. But I'm saying everybody. Yeah. Because there's a lot of shitty food out there. You know, Pringles, lays potato chips. It's all really bad for you. Yeah, that's true.

But why McDonald's? They're an American institution. Because you know, if they change by little bits and pieces, like moving a boulder. You got to go ahead. Go ahead. There's something insidious about McDonald's. It's because they've been marked. for years to kids. The happy meals and all the

all the marketing for kids trying to get them hooked at a young age with the toys and the Gremlin's tie-ins and I remember growing up Gremlin's was the biggest movie in America. With that sexy Gremlin? You ever jerk off to that one? No. I have. Why? Gross. Tits. You know what happens if you jerk off on a Gremlin after midnight? A mug-Why. All right. We're running out of time. Yeah, anything else is the same. Yeah, McDonald's is off. It's awful, it's awful. And so my two problems this week are shit and McDonald's, which is really one problem.

My problem is data caps. Data caps. Yeah, we didn't get to you. Do you have time for your other problem? No, no, no. Oh, my gosh. This is a long episode. Long episode.

All right. Let's wrap this up. So vote up McDonald's and shit and data cabs. They're all problems this week. Go stump yourself. Red Magic. This is Vladimir Putin. And obviously, this is how I talk.

For many years, Soviet scientists and heist masters attempts to make brilliant scheme to steal the crown jewels from capitalist pigs in the United Kingdom. And for many years, every time we single beef eater guard. That's me! I listen to your episode and hear your brain. who heist the crown jewels from United Kingdom. And I say, this man is genius.

I must have those crown jewels. For your heist of crown jewels. And upon successful escape with Jetpack, I became a borat all this a sudden. I will pay you 465 rubles, which translates into approximately 6,000. You could buy our season pass with that. Uh, yeah, you could buy.

No, fuck yourself, this. Oh, my gosh, these fucking voicemails, man. But Vladimir Putin, so he would buy my, uh, the crown jewels that I stole. And he said, I don't like the way he threw a little bit of English on that, uh, jet pack. He said it almost sarcastically. Oh, I don't know. I don't, uh, I don't have enough familiarity with Putin to know when he's being sarcastic. Fuck that guy.

Oh, and by the way, Dick, we forgot, well, it's my fault. I forgot to post the Smash Brothers video of us playing last episode. I'm going to post it on this one. Check it out. It'll be on the website. Okay. Hey, this is Tyler again. Damn thing must to cut me off because I went on too long, so sorry about that.

Last thing I wanted to say, though, is that Dick, you're great. Maddox, go fuck yourself. What was that from? I didn't play his other one. It was three minutes long. Oh, that was a guy. He's the guy on Twitter. He tweeted at us, and he said he sent in a three minute long.

rant about Dropbox. Was it that guy? Oh, man. I do have a huge Dropbox voicemail. We're getting too long. I'm just going to play this guy's, this new listeners started listening and ranked the most funny to the least funny moments of the show. But I'm just going to play this story. All right. It's five minutes long also. Well, we'll end on that. Let's do it next time.

Let's do it next time. All right, let's do it next time. And our buddy, Philips, from Game at Bliterated. com, biz sent in some stuff. We'll play that next time too. Oh, yeah. Tom Phillips. Yeah. My buddy. Game Abliterator.

Is that it? Yeah. All right.