The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 67

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from Quakes to Quebec. With over 3.5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer, welcome back. I think it's pronounced Quebec. Quebec, really?

Yeah, not Quebec. Oh, it sounds so much better with the alliteration in there. No, it's French, though. Quebec. And they speak Quebecwa. Is that true? That's true. What is that?

It's French-Canation. Hey, is it French or Canadian? I work with voice actors all the time. And what do they have on their resume? Quebecwa. Well, no, because we'll do dubs. Oh, that's weird. Quebec Y.

Quebec Y. All right, guys. What happened last week? I got some news for you about the votes. Data caps. Data caps. Clean sweep. Data caps last episode was the number one problem,

followed by shit. and then McDonald's, so shit again. You know what surprised me, though, Dick? I honestly thought that McDonald's would be voted into oblivion, because everyone loves McDonald's. You mean it would be voted down into oblivion like Guardians of Galaxy? Yeah, yeah. Because McDonald's is the Guardians of the Galaxy of Fast Food.

No, bigger than that. Guardians of the Galaxy is the superhero movie. It's like Superhero Fast Food. It's the Apple of Food for you. Right? Yeah. Yeah. It's the Nike of food. You hate Nike, too?

Well, it's a big brand, you know, I don't know. I don't have a firm position on Nike. A lot of these come down to just choice, though. Like somebody who's saying in the comments, you don't like McDonald's, don't eat there. Like, they're not, are they affecting other things? Of course. You know, someone in the comments commented and said that if you,

you know, how Dick last episode you were making the case that McDonald's is cheap and you can feed an entire family and blah, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, you can go to, like, a Costco or something and buy a bag of rice for like $3. A bag of rice that'll feed your family for months, and then a head of lettuce, you know, some spam. Some cabbage. Some cabbage.

Yeah, man. Make a big stew. Look, it's not good eating, but it's better eating. And it's cheaper than McDonald's still. Hey, here's someone who had a good point about what you were saying. Okay. Hey, this is Bryce from British Columbia. I just wanted to point out there's a Madox versus Maddox

between his McDonald's problem and his hot dog shirther's problem. you can't attack the ingredients of McNuggets while hating people who point out the ingredients of hot dogs Anyway, love the show guys and Dick, go fuck yourself Yeah, up until then He had a lot of good points

That's a good point The only good point He made a good point during that That voicemail And that was you should go fuck yourself No? Yeah, yeah, that was the point Not what he was talking about

That was what he was talking about That's what I'm talking about That's what I'm talking about I make a whole episode about how you should fuck yourself But look, look man The Hot Dog Truthers problem that I had was that people come up to you and pull you aside, like they're enlightening you with some knowledge that you didn't fucking know.

I know hot dogs are shit, and if I'm eating them, I know they're shit. I'm not eating them because they're high quality, and I'm not defending them either. Yeah, but you bitch about McDonald's in the same way. Like, when I'm chowling down on a delicious, hot, golden brown pack of chicken McNuggets, if I have to, with a selection of sauces. What kind of sauce do you like? I like barbecue and a spicy, spicy barbecue.

You can get spicy. You can't. You can get both of those sauces. When I'm eating that, you are always sticking your nose in what I'm eating and shitting on it. That's Hot Talk Truther 101. No, I'm... Dude, every time you bring your bullshit-ass McDonald's, do I bitch about it? No.

In fact, in fact, no, I don't know. I bitch about the rappers you leave behind dickhead, but I don't bitch about the McDonald's itself. Every time you... And you know what, you offer me sometimes McDonald's, and I think you know I don't like it, but you offer it to me, and you, what do I say? No, but thanks for asking. I always say that, right? Because I'm a polite motherfucker.

All right. I just think the guy has a point Listen this I got a comment Wait a minute I got three words for you Okay McDonald's breakfast

Come on That's why it didn't score Very hard You know Dick I used to be a fat kid And one of the things My parents would bring home For me

Every day for McDonald's Was McDonald's breakfast Yeah Not every day But after a certain age I think around At June and Not only is it good

And it makes you happy But also Well for me personally If I got out of bed And got my ass In a car To a McDonald's before 10.30, I feel like a better person. Like, I feel like I accomplished something.

You know what I'm saying? Because, like, 11's the cutoff, right? I think, no, I think it's 10.30. Oh, 1030, okay. I don't even know. Because, like, if I can get myself out of bed that early, like I did it. I feel like I did it, and I can conquer the day. You know what I'm saying? Anti-intellectualism, guys, go vote it up. Somebody agrees with this, right? Like, you did it. You won a race against God, against time. Sean, does he deserve kudos for that? Does he deserve accolades? Why not? I'm generous tonight. Oh, fuck you. Both you guys. This is a conspiracy.

You don't get up before 10.30. Get the fuck out of here. What do you do before 1030? I wake up like around 8.30 and I'm a writer. 830 is a good hour for a writer. I don't have to wake up. I can sleep forever and I don't. I don't sleep forever. Although I can on my Casper mattress. It's not a cast of Harry's today. You got to wake up. You have to wake up at 8.30 a.m. Because that's when you start shaving your back with Harry's razors. That's a compliment. A man should have a hair. Hairy back.

Yeah. Man, I want like wings of hair coming out of my back. Uh-huh. That's cool. That's sexy. You're a few inches away from that, buddy. Giant pompadour. Yeah.

Look at this giant. And again, we're broadcasting this on Periscope. Dick's got his giant-ass hair on here and his mustache, which I can't impugn. That is a perfect mustache. Here's the thing, Dick. I got a comment from Stephen Joseph Musgrove the second. He said, so last episode I talked about how I choose different carriers and companies, like cable companies, I go to Google, and I type in the name of the company, and I see how many

results, I say, say, for example, Verizon sucks, and I see how many results it has, and I go with the one that has the least number of sucks. I, uh, this guy tried, he said, I tried something today. That's why I pick girlfriends, too. You see it looks like you had the least number of sucks on you. Yeah. Well, uh, you want, you want a low suck mileage on it on a guy. Yeah, I want to be special. Um, I got, so Stephen Joseph Musgrove of the second says, Yeah. He said, I tried something out today.

He went to Google and he typed in Maddox sucks in quotes and he got 159,000 results. Wow. Then he typed in Sean sucks. 3.1 million results, Sean. Oh, you suck, Sean. And then he typed in Dick. All for me. He typed in Dick sucks.

4.07 million results. Only million. I thought that would be a billion. 4.07 million people think that Dick sucks. Yeah, you got another voicemail for you. A lot of good voicemails this week. Yeah. The, hi guys. My name's Maddox. I'm super smart. I brought in infantilism as a problem.

But whenever I impersonate people whose opinions differ from my own, I have to talk in a dumb voice like this. I also like poopie jokes. I slow temper tantrums what it brings in a bit I don't like. And I like banging on my ceiling with a broom till my mom breaks me food. Yeah, fuck you, mom, French onion this time. I guess it just stems from a general neck of intelligence or emotional underdevelopment. Whoops, pronounced another word wrong. Oh, well, because grammar's a problem, but pronunciation isn't, you fucking asshole. That is, you literally have no penis.

And I'm not exaggerating. That is not hyperbola. What do I? Hyperbola You're a fucking writer Are you moron Did you leave his voice asshole?

What did he say I literally have? Hyperbola My dad comments on that one all the time too Cut that guy out He says voicemail off Sean cut the cancelous episode I'm pissed off already It's garbage

I don't do What? Syperbally Yeah I get it I get it I know Math on the brain all the time. Tell me all about it, rhinocosaurus.

Yeah, tell me all about these hyperbiles. All right, man, I got a comment from Izzy Nober. Nobrey, nober, nober, whatever. One and done, that's what we're doing now. He says, Dick, you complain about telecoms colluding to fuck customers over, and you implied the government should do something about it. Uh-oh. I always find it funny when libertarians accidentally discover why regulations exist in the first place.

That collusion right there? That's because beautiful invisible hand of the free market at place, son. Without anyone to regulate these fucks, that's what they will do inevitably. Still a fan, though, is he? This must be what Trump feels like when a reporter asks a stupid question. That's trying to stump him, but it can't be done. They don't understand that it can't be done, right? You and I know it.

You obviously know he can't be stumped. I know, Sean, you know it. He knows it, but the reporters don't know it. They think it could be stumped. But now I feel it. I feel that unstumpening. Wash over me like a way. Look, do you even know what is a libertarian?

What is? I'm listening carefully to the... The, uh... First of all, yes, telecoms are not free market. Okay. They became a public good when we dumped hundreds of billions of dollars into it. Oh, the government's... Okay.

It's not the government. There's no problems. This is the reality of the situation is we paid them hundreds of billions of dollars to develop this system. It's not the way I would have done it. It's not... What? What, what, what?

Yeah, yeah, go on. Oh, yeah. It's not... It's a... I lost my train of thought. I'm sorry. If you said, they dumped hundreds of billions of dollars in there. We did.

That was the decision. So at that point, it's a public good. There's nothing libertarian about that. Not the way I would have done it. Not the way that guys like a... Coase. My favorite economists would have done it. Huh.

You know what I'm saying? In this situation, we don't have a free market. It's an oligarchy at best. Right? And it's an oligarchy that tries, that is getting away with monopolistic pricing because of political coercion. They got everybody on the dime. They got everybody on the payroll. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, back to my point. Do you know what is a libertarian? That's what my point is like, do you think libertarians walk around saying, roads, don't need them.

In a libertarian utopia, you don't even need roads. You get everywhere with the power of your intelligence. Like, do you think that's what libertarians want? No, they just want a little more free market competition for stuff like health care. Sure. Of course, yeah. Because when there was free market competition, everything was great, then fucking Obama came in and ruined everything. It wasn't free market then either.

You still have political corruption all over the place, Maddox. You know, I know what a libertarian is. I saw a meme floating around on the Internet. Yeah, that's what you guys think a libertarian is. No, because you know what, Dick, there is no such thing as a libertarian because it's just a theory. It's a libertarian theory. Yeah, it's an idea. It's an idea that hasn't been tested.

It's an idea that applies to a lot, to different scenarios. You can't have a libertarian police force. Okay, that doesn't exist. You know what I'm saying? Can't have a libertarian doesn't exist. But lighthouses got built before the government existed. What? Do you know this?

Do you know, this is the classic problem, right? All or nothing? It's got to be, it's like, we need government for everything or we need government for nothing. There's no in between. That's not what libertarians think. They don't think that. Show me a moderate libertarian. First of all, show me a libertarian.

And then show me a moderate libertarian. I'll tell you what? Donald J.Trump.com. That is a moderate libertarian. First of all, unstumpable. Oh, fuck you. All right. I got a comment here.

I got a comment here from John M. Blazick. He says, Maddox. He's like I'm going to get more hate for the Trump stuff or the Reagan stuff. Definitely the Trump stuff. I think that Trump is legitimately probably a bigot. Like, it's not even... Oh, my God. It's not, it's like bald-faced bigotry at this point.

Oh, my goodness. I think so. I think so. And what's great about him is that he's bulletproof because he embraces it. That's... That's... He's unstumpable. He's kind of like our good friend of Stereo's friend of the show.

Name me off the top of your head. Go ahead. Remember our friend of Stereos who debated in Tournament of Nurds. Now, there's a racist. No. He came out during the tournament of nerds. Uh-huh. And he was arguing on behalf of the Polar Express.

Right. And everybody's argument against him. You know, the Polar Express, that kid's book, you know, the... Yeah, horrible Seedy Rhodoscope movie. Yeah, he, like, kidnaps kids, and they under text, the subtext here is that he's, like, pedophile, and they kidnap him, and he's creepy, right? Absolutely not. That's the projected subtext, but go ahead. That's not the subtext of the movie.

I'm basing this on the arguments. I've never even seen a movie, all right? So, so everyone was kind of suggesting... You'd hate it. There's songs. I would hate it. I would hate it. The subtext, everyone was suggesting was that the Polar Express guy was a pedophile.

And Astero's came out and he embraced it. And he became bulletproof. Because, yeah, he came out. I was like, yeah, the kids are delicious. Well, Donald J. Trump is embracing America. Great. Yeah, embracing it with his cock. I got a comment from John Blaswick.

He says, Maddox, my Armenian girlfriend pointed out why your Armenian parents probably hate you. You believe in the Holocaust. Is that true? Of course I do. Which I didn't know. I don't think that's a thing that Armenians don't believe in. I've never heard that before. I don't know.

Is that a reference to the Armenian genocide? I'm not sure. Because we don't call, I don't think the Armenian genocide, it was a Holocaust, but we don't call it the Holocaust. There's like the Holocaust, right? Yeah, that's trademarked. You can't just call whatever. I've got a question for you, Sean.

You hear this? Really? Yeah. Oh, good. Hey, Sean, I just wanted to know. What type of guitar do you use? Do you use a strat? Or do you use a telea or do you use a jaguar?

Here it comes Or what? Do you say Les Paul? I'm Sean I'm just a Les Paul Ha ha ha ha How does he know that?

Also, what type of a pedal Z is that? What type of a pedal Z? Are you good? Are you good? He's calling you out. And Dick

You're a great guy. All right. That's nice. That guy's calling you out. Are you good? I have a Strat. I have a Les Paul. I've got one that I had built.

I've got a Martin acoustic. I don't know what else I have. What did you have built? I sold a gratch. Fancy pants. Fancy good call. Good call. Awesome. I'm glad we had that call. Listen, Dick, I got a, I got a song. This isn't quite a sign.

It's a, it's a, it's a clip that someone took from our last episode. Okay. He said, uh, his name is Mark Steiner. He sent this in and he said he made a super cut of our last episode. I want to play this. Today show is shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I'll shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit's everything shit's everywhere and you want it on you I would rather not have shit on me than any other problem that we have on the list name a name a problem I'd rather have AIDS would you rather have shit or AIDS on you

I'd rather have AIDS on because I can wash it off. AIDS isn't in it. That's what the government tells you, man. I don't want AIDS in me, but I don't want it. I'd rather have AIDS on. You'd rather have shit up your butt than AIDS up your butt. Go stump yourself. I was an abridged version of that last episode.

I think he got it. He got the flavor of it. Yeah. Do you want to do problems now? Yeah, Dick. What do you got? What's your first problem? Let me see if I got any more good.

I got some... All right. My first problem is getting caught cheating. Now, let's just do you're cheaters. Cheaters. Cheating and cheaters. Are you sure? Which is it?

Cheating and cheater. What do you think? Cheating? Is it cheating or is it cheaters? I'm going to say cheating. Do you even know what are a cheater? Yeah. It's that guy that's...

He sells cheetos. I know what it is a cheetah. Cheetos. Yeah. Let's say cheating. Ashley Madison got hacked, right? I think it's worth talking about. Okay. I think cheating is what we're talking about.

You think cheating is the problem? Well, that's what I want to talk about. Okay. I don't know. I think it must be, because the emotional impact it has on people is devastating, and that's never going to change. It can be, yeah. So it must be a problem.

Well, I have some people. I know some people who've been cheated on, and they bounce back. Me too. They're called ex-girlfriends, I'm sure. Yeah, dickhead. Awesome. Awesome.

No, cheating. So, I know some people have been cheated on who bounced back pretty quickly and easily because they didn't really, they weren't that invested in the relationship. Sure. It ended, and they said, eh, that was that. But I also know some people who were devastated because of the cheating. Yeah, I know a girl whose mom went to an insaneness. asylum when she got cheated on.

How's that? A couple of years. She got cheated on and she went to an insane asylum. Yeah. Wow, that's pretty heavy. Pretty heavy. You know, this is on the scale of death, but like, I'm not comparing your problem because you brought it in recently. I would have said there regardless.

This is on that level for like emotional destruction. Easily not. Easily not. Easily not. Definitely not. No, because death affects so many people emotionally. But cheating, again, I just gave you the example where, you know, it's, you know, There's a fair amount of people.

I'd say about 30% based on my personal experience. It's totally anecdotal evidence. I brought a lot of stats too. Okay, I want to hear these stats. But you keep going. I want to hear these stats. But I think based on my anecdotal evidence, I don't think that cheating affects people nearly as much psychologically as death.

Because that girl's mom who went to an insane asylum because she was cheated on, she couldn't have been well adjusted to begin with. Because most people who get cheated on don't go to insane asylums. She had to have other shit going on. Well, sure. Okay. Well, if you say so, I don't know. I'm not an armchair psychologist.

Surely you would say it's devastating. You know, here's another anecdote. I knew a psychologist who worked with refugees, like out of death camps. I think it was like Cambodian death camps. I don't remember the exact specifics of it. And she said that what they wanted to talk about more than their horrific experiences in, like, concentration camps.

was like, oh, so and so from another camp has, I like them, but they have a crush on so and so in my camp. So I don't know what to do with that. That's what they wanted to talk about? Yeah. Like they would get through the 60 minutes special of the camp stories and it's like, yeah, but here's what I want to talk about. Like this is what's really bothering me. Yeah. It's like these bizarre love triangles.

Yeah. Right? So that's what I'm saying. Maybe it's a big problem. I think it can be, yeah. Yeah, definitely. It's definitely a big problem. I don't think it's on the scale. It's certainly making headlines, and we've got 38 million people in the Ashley Madison site that are exposed. Yeah.

They're saying about 35% of them are fake, but that is still an assload of people. That's a lot of people. And these are people who are stupid enough to go on a website saying that they're going to get to shack up with somebody outside of their marriage, right? Well, you know what, though, Dick? I almost signed up for an Ashley Madison account a long time ago. Wow, I'm glad I brought this said. Please tell me the circumstances of this. Were you one of the singles going on the site? Yes.

I was a single. So I was a single and I thought, okay, that sounds pretty high. Here we go. A bunch of married chicks. I'm done one. I'm going to swoop in there. Right? What do you mean?

Because here's where I got the idea. I was at a party one night and there was this chick I was talking to. There was a jigolo you were talking to who became your mentor. No, no, no. No, that's your life, man. So I was at this party and I was talking to the same. chick who is aggressively horny.

That's her thing. Like, everyone knows. How do you know? She's DTF. How do you know, though? What do you see? 24-7? All the time, always open.

Because I know for a fact, because she goes out of her way to talk about it. About how horny she is. Well, she's always talking about sex. And she has a list. She has her fuck list. And I've seen it. Of guys she's had sex with?

Uh, yeah, you know, people, people keep these, right? I did not know that. Well, lots of people keep these lists. Huh. Anyway, you know, and she's written blogs about it, and you can read about her desires and her thoughts, and she's done a new, nude photography. Not quite. She doesn't monetize it. It's just part of who she is, and there's nothing wrong with it. I really don't think there's anything wrong with it. However, she said, she said at one point, I think, I think it was her. But anyway, she said she hopped on Ashley Madison just to use it as a dating site. because she said that she found that there were so many guys on there,

and they all wanted to hook up with her. And I thought, well, that's a good idea. I should sign up for this. I was single at the time, and I... And you thought a bunch of chicks would be on there. You know, I went to the website. I didn't even get into the registration process. I got bored and I was like, yeah, fuck, there's porn.

I'm just going to go watch porn. Yeah, for some reason, I've always been immune to their marketing. Like, I'm a big stern listener, and every time I hear I'm stern, I'm like, everyone knows that this site is full of married men who want to pretend like they would cheat on their... her wife, right? Everybody knows that's what this site's for, right? Nobody could possibly be getting laid on a site catering to people who want to have affairs. Well, that girl I mentioned, had hooked up with several guys from the website, and she said she's had great experiences.

I don't know. I'm suspicious of that because it sounds like a brand. That's what she does as her... Yeah, I'm very suspicious of that. Of chicks who do that. I don't think so. Their whole, like, lifestyle online. They are their social media profile. who, well, you know what, though, after a while she removed this stuff online, so I don't think, I don't think it was. I think it was on there for a little while, maybe she got too much attention, you know, anyway, it could be, it's one element. I think chicks like sex, and I think that they sometimes just want a no-strings-attached relationship. I've been in situations like that, where I've dated girls who, at near the end, they just, they asked me, they literally asked me,

they said, well, this thing's not working out, but can this just be a no-strings-attached sexual thing? Yeah, see, that's a, that's a trap. Why? Because they want more. They want you to hang around more. That's like the lure that they're trying to get you in with. I'm 100%. Like, I'm sold on that. No one could ever talk me out of that.

It happens a lot. And I think more often than not, that's going to turn into a relationship. Like more than 50% of the time when girls do that, it will turn into a relationship. So it's a good move on their part. Weren't you saying you're coming out of a relationship that way? Like when you're like, that's how they get you back in, though. No, I understand. But it also happened to me one night.

at a bar, I met a girl who was just like one night stand. She said, listen, I don't want a relationship or anything. This is no strings attached if we do this. I'm like, well, that's perfect. Because I don't want anything either right now. So, yeah, you know, bada bing, bada boom.

Yeah. Maybe I just have too much respect for women. That's probably the problem. A nassal. 5% of the U.S. is on Ashley Madison. 5%. 5%. 5%.

Waiting for an extra marital affair. That's a significant amount. Yeah, a lot of dot goves and dot mills. How's that? That's pretty funny. Yeah, decent amount. Yeah, and I also read on there, there was an article I think I read on Wired about this, where the guy talked about how truck drivers, he interviewed some people who were on Ashley Madison

anonymously, and one of them was a truck driver who was driving cross-country, and he spent like something absurd, like 290 days on the road, and he said, look, I love my wife, I don't want to leave her, but I'm really lonely out on the road, and this is the thing that I do, and I'm Not proud of it, but I need to do this. And then another one was a housewife who said that she was married to a guy who was like 27 years her senior. She said she loves him to death and she is in a happy marriage with him, but he goes to bed at 7 p.m. And she said she's... She gets the late night horny's.

She gets the late night horny's. Sure. Yeah. Pops a couple off. How old was he? Is this like an Anna Nicole Smith? She was, I think, she was in her early 30s. Yeah.

You know, early 30s, 50s, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like a way out. I guess it's a solution then sometimes. Sometimes. I don't know. So how about this?

This is an interesting stat. Is an extramarital affair wrong? This was the question posed in a survey. 1973. 70% of the responders said, yeah, it's wrong. 70%. In 1973? Yeah.

70%. That's a pretty high amount. Pretty high? Well, is it wrong to have sex with something? someone outside your marriage. Well, it's consistent with the percentage of people who are puritanical in this country, essentially. Like, what is the Christian breakdown?

Because where do we get our ethics when it comes to sex? It's mostly Christianity who looks down on sexuality. No, but I'm like, I'm a very hardcore atheist, then I would consider it wrong. Still do it, but wrong. Then why do you do it, dickhead? Well, you know, sometimes you just got to get out. Sometimes the relationship's falling apart. Then get out.

Like a man, pull the cord. Yeah, that's like a principle, though. Right? That's what you're describing. Yeah. Do it like a man, pull the cord. But you can get more out of it. You can have your cake and eat it too.

No. Well, yeah. If you just have to be okay. Like, it's hard at first. But like everything else that's wrong, the more you do it, the easier it gets. And then the more benefits you get. I'm just, I'm explaining to you how it works, right? I've like gone into that feedback loop in my mind where there's so many things wrong with everything you just said

You've been stumped My brain's what it's called I can feel like my brain overheating like that you know that infinite loop on in computer programming where it just like crashes core dump I'm about to have a core dump everything everything you said was so wrong First of all dick it's an expression because it's true that you can't have your cake and eat it too That's an expression because it's just commonly known like you want everything But you can have everything with honesty I believe that.

I believe if you're honest. Yeah, if you're a good person, that works great. But what about for the rest of us? Can't be honest all the time. Fuck you. I love you. You're so sanctimonious. Just be honest all the time.

Yeah, well, what if I'm thinking bad stuff all the time? We're supposed to say that? Be honest. Be honest. You would be surprised. I've said some things to people that I know, especially girls I've dated. I don't know what it is, this compulsion I have, to tell them things, and I know it's going to hurt them, and I know it's going to upset their feelings.

But I figure, you know what? What's the alternative? That I bottle it up and I think these nasty thoughts and I don't say them ever. And then what? Am I proud of who I've become? Somebody who's dishonest, somebody who's not even honest with himself? If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with anybody. Yes, exactly.

Do that. Do what? Don't be honest with anybody least of all yourself. No, I mean, what are you supposed to say? They say, what are you thinking about? And you're like, oh, you're a walking collection of aphorisms. and the world would be better off without you. That's a great date.

Very, very polite. I'm a well-mannered guy. You know? I don't want to be honest to the sake of just ruining a perfectly fine evening. Well, what are you going to bang someone who you're not into? Of course. What the fuck are you talking about?

What's Ashley Madison founded on? banging people you're not interested in. Who gives a fuck? On any level? Look, man, I have this... Well, physically, of course, physically. Well, physically, I mean, that's out of the question. But, but here's it.

an example. I find Jenny McCarthy repulsive. I think that her personality's atrocious. And this was before her anti-vaxxership. I'm not just saying that because of my ideology. I didn't even know about that anti-vaxxer shit. Way back in the day on MTV, I hated her personality. I hated how attention craving she was. I hated how she was just out there to exploit everyone and do anything it took to kind of get, you know, get to that next pedestal. I sense that. Ambition. It's not ambition. Go ahead. It's desperation. And I sense that a long-ass time ago where she's a survivor, definitely a survivor. But that's the best thing and also the worst thing I can say about her. I think that's another trademark term. I don't know if you can just call anyone a survivor.

Yeah. So what? You wouldn't bang her? No. Oh, horseshit. Out of principle. Horst shit. No. You wouldn't bang Jenny McGarney? I am so turned off. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. No, definitely before her she got a kid. And I'll tell you why. Here's how I found out one night. I was looking at, I heard that some nudes of her leaked, you know, leaked, of course, everything always leaks, but I heard some nudes of her leaked, right? Wait, when? A long time, she's, her tits are everywhere, man. She's posed in Playboy. So then I thought, oh, this is kind of hot.

I'm going to look her up, and my boner wouldn't work. Hmm. Uh-huh. Yeah. Why? Because I was not attracted to her. Because you were just very repulsed by her. I just, every time I saw her face, I just like, gang, eh, her fucking obnoxious cackle.

I don't mind that kind of. chick that because you hate those chicks who arrange that dance party for the fat guy too. Oh yeah, the worst. The worst. Yeah. Insincere, phony, frauds. I can tolerate that. Bullshit, man. I don't want to stick my dick in that trap. You want to hear more stats? Yeah, please.

Sex thing. Sexting. 80% of women think sex thing is wrong. 80%. That means 20% think it's not wrong. The decision of doing something wrong is hard enough when you think it's wrong, it's still a contest. The contest is still uncertain.

When you don't think it's wrong, it's anything goes. That's what's going on here. One fifth of women, 56% of men think it's wrong. So 44% of men have no problem with it. Sexing. What about you? With sex thing outside of a relationship? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course it's wrong.

Okay. Yeah. But imagine the people who are just like, eh, no big deal. Yeah. Huh. Well, some people have, you know, first of all, cheating, people have lots of different definitions of cheating. That's what I'm saying. I have a friend whose wife thinks it's cheating when her husband looks at porn. Oh, my God.

Good luck with the rest of your life, bitch. You think it's cheating when someone looks at porn? Okay. Is it cheating on your diet if you look at food? Idiot? Well, it depends on the porn thing. If they're using it as a substitute for sex, sure. Well, that's what porn is. It's always a substitute for sex. If you could, if you, if you're, if you're in the middle of your masturbation, right? Yes, okay, I'm listening. Your dick, your dick's in your hand. Right.

And then right there suddenly the opportunity appeared, bam, vagina. You wouldn't take that? You wouldn't take that over masturbation? Of course it's a substitute for sex. It always is. Yeah, all right. It always is. But porn is not cheating.

Porn is no more cheating on, on your spouse than looking at food in magazines. It's cheating on your diet. It's not. You're not doing it. First of all, there's no personal relationship with the performer. You're not calling them and talking to them. And when you're done, you press click and they're gone forever. Yeah, but it's that it's taking the place of the other person.

That's why they're upset. Yeah, but you've never... Okay, let me say this. It's neglect, it's not, it can be neglect impossible to be cheating. Okay. How's that? I'll give you that. Okay.

Whatever. Diplomacy. I feel like Trump. Making deals? All right. Uh, here. How about passionate kissing? Would you consider that cheating? Yes. 90% of women, 75% of men. Passionate kissing.

75% do or don't? Think it's wrong. Think it's wrong. So 25% don't. Fine. That's good. No problem. Doesn't matter. And I don't know if it's that they won't admit it's wrong and just do it anyway. You know what I'm saying? Like, they can't admit that they're just a, like, kind of a bad person.

Or a bad person flat out. That might be part of it. At what point, at what point, though, is it, you know, when these people are doing these surveys and 25% say it's not a problem, it's not cheating, passionate kissing, that phrase itself has some connotation that it is emotional and invested and involved. Some of these fuckers got to be cynical. They just got to be cynics saying, okay, no, that's not cheating. I don't really trust the survey that.

Yeah, there's got to be. It's also like that survey where, you know, I've talked to people about rape statistics and things, and they always throw this in my face. They're like, well, one out of like four guys has admitted that they would take advantage of a girl, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, well, I mean, that's a statistic in a survey that, you know, maybe some people are cynical and they just answer a certain way because it comes down to the same question, like, would you cannibalize somebody? Well, I can say what I'm thinking now, but if I'm really fucking hungry in the... In the woods. In the plane. Like in one of those nine-hour delays to get on a flight.

There's a baby next to me. And what if they're an asshole? Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, you motherfucker, I'm eating you. What's that baby thinking? 10 minutes. Yeah, well, those are the stats, man.

All right, man. Here's one big question, Dick, I have that I didn't really hear in your problem. What do you think? Do you think it's wrong or not? Where do you find in those statistics? Look, it's wrong and it hurts people. Yeah. But, you know, relationships are complicated.

Yeah. You know. Okay. Well, so, but you skirted the entire issue. You said nothing. I said it's wrong. It's wrong and it's terrible and it hurts people. But what do you think?

That is what I think. Okay. But look, look, look, here's what I think about it. Yeah. Here's when I will do it. Yeah. How about that? Yeah.

I bring in a problem, much like this show, to the relationship. I'm like, hey, I got a problem with this. And their first reaction is always anger instantly. Like, what the fuck you're telling me? You're telling me, I got a problem with me. Here's the problem I got with you. This is like, okay, I hear what you're saying. I'll try this again in a week, right?

Week comes around, oh, yeah, well, that's just like who I am. You take me for what I am. Well, you got a problem thing? You're dating an idiot. Okay, great. I got it. Voop, straight on to AshleyMadison.com. What else are you going to do?

That's garbage. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, man. I was in a long relationship one time, and near the end of the relationship, we were in this long, sexless relationship, and I was going nuts. And I told her, I said, look, I got to have sex with somebody.

And if it's not you, it's got to be someone else. And we had that open and frank discussion. And we talked to, and, you know, it hurt her. because nobody wants to hear that. But at some point, we discussed possibly being in an open relationship and we discussed options and we discussed things.

And then near the end, we thought, what are we hanging on to? Like, I like her as a friend and she likes me as a friend and we respect each other. But we had that frank and open discussion where it hurt a little bit up front, but it hurt way less

than having been cheated on. Yeah, you like those discussions, though. I'll do anything to get out of those. I hate them. When I have like a long conversation with a discussion like that with somebody, I feel worse than when it started. Like, this is a huge waste of time. It's not, dude.

Why did we spend three hours talking about this in my car in front of your house? This was a huge waste of time. No, it's not a waste of time. Could have watched three episodes of Breaking Bad. It's not a waste of time if you get somewhere. What? Six episodes of Bojack Horseman I could have watched. What?

I'm not insulting you. No, no, I get it. Like, why are you so depressed about it? this. No, because I don't think it's a waste of time. I really don't. If you communicate effectively and you get someplace, right? You understand where they're coming from. They understand where you coming from. If it comes down to the end of that relationship, because it's a sad thought, like it's the end of a relationship, right? It's always, it's usually sad, although no good relationship ends, usually. But if it comes down... Is that the definition of, what do you mean,

no good relationship is? No, well, that's not true. I mean, sometimes good relationships come to Look, man, the end of a relationship is usually a sign of distress. It's a tough time for people. But it doesn't have to be so shitty. It doesn't have to be, you know, let's compound the end of this terrible relationship with cheating. Let's compound the end of this terrible relationship with abuse and verbal abuse and all these things that people, I honestly think that if people were more communicative and they discussed what they actually felt, and they felt that end of the relationship coming, rather than just going to Ashley Madison,

And, like, you know, they've shifted their advertising. Have you heard on Howard Stern lately? No. No. So their ads used to be cheat on your spouse, do this thing, go have fun, life is short, blah, blah, blah. They've sensed that the cultural barometer has shifted in this country where people are not so okay with that advertising tone anymore. And they've changed it. So the new ad says something like, honey, I want to go have sex with other people.

And he says, well, I don't want to hear that. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. And she goes, well, it's something. I need. It's a woman saying it. Yeah, right. Go fuck yourselves. And she says, look, I love you and I don't want to lose the kids. I don't want to leave the kids, et cetera, et cetera. You should look into it too. And so he goes, oh, maybe I will. And so that's how the ad ends and it has a stupid jingle. What even is that anymore? Yeah. I don't know. What is that arrangement? What is it? Nothing.

It's nothing. But if you have kids, yeah, I don't know. If you have kids, there was an article, there was a social psychologist who wrote about this a long time ago, and she had an article, she had an interview with the NPR, where she talked about the, she made a case for cheating, and she said that sometimes it can save relationships and marriage, and there's some psychological thing that goes on, and that some people are wired to do that, and they need to do that, and they can never be in monogamous relationships.

There's a case to be made for non-monogamy, evolutionarily speaking. But anyway, man. Oh, 30 to 60% of married individuals in the U.S. will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. There you go, I don't know. There's nothing, like, unlike many of the other problems on the list, there's no fucking solution for this. Right?

Not even close. FGM, education, slackivism, stop complaining about it, hunger. No, I got the solution, man. I got the solution. I think a lot of people who cheat, here's what I think, goes into the psychology of cheating. I think people who cheat, sometimes they find somebody and they settle

and they think that they can never do any better. Then at some point in their lives or their careers, they find out that they can and they have more options and more opportunities. You know, there's that expression... No, no. No. No. I've never cheated. I'm a loyal guy. But they get to that point where they may have other opportunities, right?

And then, what's that quote? There's a quote a famous quote from somebody who said, you're only as faithful as you have options or opportunities? Sure. That was Tom Likis. It was. Okay. Bitch.

Dump that, bitch. How about you, John? You ever plow another farm? Another ass farm? In a relationship? No. No. Oh, good for you.

Good for both of you. Good for both of you. You're so great. Yeah. Oh, us fucking asshole. Us loyal dudes. No, man. They say that you're only as faithful as the options that you have.

So I think it's something. people, here's how you solve this problem, right? You liberate sexuality. Because in this country, we have this puritanical view of it, where everybody's covering their nipples. You know, Dick, you brought that into a solution for your nipple. I totally agree with that. The more sexual our culture becomes, the more liberated sex becomes. People stop freaking the fuck out about it.

They have more sex. And then the more that they have sex, they'll stop, like, losing their minds and get all obsessed and horned up. and every opportunity that comes along, you know what, they think to themselves, I've sewed my oats, I'm okay, I like the girl I'm with, I like the guy I'm with, I don't need to do this.

Here's what you're missing. Wow, sex is a power game. It's all it is, it's a big power struggle. For you, we're going to play it till the end of time. That's it. I feel like I'm looking... I feel like I'm looking into the abyss of psychological disorders.

Oh, yeah. And the abyss is staring back into you. If you had an acoustic guitar, you would be really dangerous at college campuses with this kind of talk about sexual. Hey guys, I got a jam about sexual liberation and the corporations. Gather around, everybody. Go ahead.

What's your problem? I'm talking too long about cheating. Dick, before we go on, I got to say something, you would be dangerous around college campuses with that mustache. Would you use the shave it? Yeah, I would. When I do shave it, I will use a Harry's razor. Today's show is brought to you by Harries.

Please visit Harries.com and use promo code, biggest problem. One word, no space, to save $5 off your first purchase. Hey, how about Harry's, man? How's your Harry's Razors? Holding up, my hairy razor is amazing. Again, like last episode you said, I don't know how they make any money. They're really good high-quality blades.

We always thought we've talked about this multiple times, and the cream is, it's refreshing, it's cooling. It feels great on my face. It is their starter set is $15 that includes the razor. Three blades and your choice of hairy shave cream or foaming gel. As an added bonus, you get $5 after your first purchase with our code. Biggest problem. I think you get free shipping.

Look, that's a month's worth of shaving. For 10 bucks, at least. Mine's gone much longer than that, because I don't shave every day. I like looking a little rugged. Yeah. You know. Yeah, it looks like two days going without shaving.

I look great. I look sexy as fuck. I look like those soap opera stars. Yeah. Yeah, the ones with eye patches. Right. Son, you like cream on your face? All right, Dick.

You have to answer that. You can shave your back with these razors, too. I just learn that. I'm not shaving shit. Not on my back, buddy. He has cornrows. On his back. Yeah.

More jokes. More jokes. Guys, you know what my... You know what the biggest problem in the universe is? I'm seriously putting this out there. Self-defeating thoughts. Have you heard of this? Boy. Yeah, I've heard of a self-defeating thought.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Where is the first time you've heard that phrase? Where have you heard that phrase? Um, probably some dickhead motivational speaker in like the 80s on the late-night infomercial. The guy with like a shitty hairpiece. Something like that.

Like a Tony Robbins kind of guy with too many veneers. Like more tuesday. teeth in his mouth than a shark. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody like that. Tony Robbins does have an uncomfortable amount of teeth. Yeah. Which is probably the normal amount, but it looks like, kind of crowded.

All of his baby teeth are still in. And the adult teeth just grew in around them. With a bunch of schmucks from like North Dakota in the audience or the Midwest or something. That guy's got some chomper's, man. Yeah. No, self-defeating thoughts. I've never experienced it. I don't know.

I've never experienced self-defeating thoughts. have the opposite. I have self-victorious thoughts. Yeah. Cool. No hyperbole are there. Shut the fuck up, Sean. Shut your fucking... Shut your fucking track. Edit yourself out of the episode, dickhead.

All right. No, I have self-victorious thoughts. I predict what I can do accurately, and then I exceed everyone's expectations and over-deliver. Every time, buddy. You take that to the bag. You can invest it.

Do you have any examples? Of times I've over-delivered? Yeah. I'll tell you time. I'll tell you time I've actually had a self-victorious thought, okay? I was snowboarding, right? And this is like my second time snowboarding.

And I'm going down like the triple diamond, the hardest thing. Okay. Sean White, they had this little placard at the top of the resort at the lift. And they said, Sean White doesn't dare go down here. Okay. And I went down this triple diamond lift route.

And I was getting so much speed. And I'm an amateur at some. at snowboarding at this point and I thought and I thought man I'm getting so much speed and I for a split second I was I was a little bit worried and then I thought to myself no fuck that I can do this and then I took a jump and landed it

no no that's no hyperbola dickhead that's no hyperbole I actually landed the jump it was fucking amazing I did it because I literally had a self-victory thought I literally thought to myself I can do this and I did it do you have any true stories

fuck you That, the entire last half of everything I said was true, including fuck you. This is from psychology today. Depressed neurochemistry focuses on negativity. Your thoughts dwell on sad things such as times of loss, failure, disappointments, and ill-treatment. When you remember one time something went wrong, memory networks light up for all the times that something similar went wrong. Forming a category of things going wrong. And because depressed minds ruminate, repetitively revisiting that network,

that category then solidifies into a path, a thought pattern that says it has always slash never been this way. So it's a way of thinking, right? Your neurochemistry causes you to create a past in which you will always fail. You are always disappointed or in which you never get what you want. That's the problem with self-defeating thoughts. It happens far more frequently and far more commonly in people than you might think. This is something that leads to depressive thinking, leads to suicide, leads to failure,

and it prevents you from trying new things. It's very hard to change, too. Yeah. It's very hard to change that pattern of thinking. There's an entire... What are you like an expert on this now, Sean? I am. Why are you an expert on this?

I've lived this my whole life. Oh, man. You have those self-defeating thoughts. Absolutely. Really? And I know what you're talking about with the lighting up that network over and over again. I've seen it in other people.

I have some friends and... And people I've, actually, people I've dated even, where you can see it happen. You can see the shift happen in their minds as soon as they say something, because you'll point out something, they'll say that something negative has happened to them. And you'll say, well, but there's a lot of positive going on. That's right. Right? And there's a lot of good things that are going on. Yeah, it's not reality, but you think that it is.

It's distorted thinking. It really is, and it's a huge, huge problem. This is something that affects a lot of people. It prevents people from following their dreams. It prevents people from trying, from achieving. Dick, you remember you brought in a problem due to need to get... Perfectionism. Well, that's the problem I brought in.

Perfectionism, right. That was a good problem. But this one I want to reference is, dudes who need to get laid. Yeah. Right, guys who need to get laid. One of the biggest problems with guys who need to get laid is they have self-defeating thoughts. And the first time, believe it or not, I read this Neil Strauss's book, the game about pickup artists. Yeah.

That's the first time I encountered this. this phrase, self-defeating thoughts. He said that's the number one reason guys shell up and they decide not to go after their dreams and go after a girl they might like they see someone in a bar or they see

someone at school or whatever they want to ask them. They don't have the confidence. They don't have the courage. And they have those self-defeating thoughts, I'm not good enough. I can't. I'm not successful enough. I'm not attractive enough. There's someone who's more attractive than me. There's someone who has more hair than me. There's someone who has a new

who has... Stop right there, go home. But those are self-defeating thoughts, and they're not conducive, they will limit you and set you back. Listen, this is from the bold... I honestly want to hear more about that network that lights up.

You gravitated on that immediately, and that seems like a very bizarre concept. Well, your brain is like a muscle. You know, your neuropathways and stuff, you know, they're forming at rapid rates when you're, you know, two, three, four years old. Like, you know, a majority of your brain forms at that point. but yeah it's like using anything else

the ones that you use over and over again are stronger and the ones that you don't kind of gradually just weaken yeah it's like somebody who doesn't it's the latest science of it true true that's like it's like a well-worn path in your mind your patterns of thinking your thoughts your thought patterns the more that you exercise those regions in your brain the more

reinforce they'll be because it's it's something it's just a fallback it's a traditional it's almost like a verbal tick but it's a mental tick you know some people have verbal tics they say right You know at the end of every sentence, or they say like, they say like a lot. Yeah, I know what is a verbal tick. That was brilliant.

Yeah, so they have these recurring thought patterns that are destructive to them because they'll get reinforced and they'll get depressed and they'll lead to all sorts of nasty things. That's a liquor loop. Now I know what you're talking about. A liquor loop. What's that alcoholism? Yeah, no, come on. Don't be so crass and vulgar alcoholism. Is that what you're referring to?

I don't know. It's called a liquor loop. When you get in that loop and it's like every day you think, oh, I could just slam a glass of whiskey. It's like three. I put in a lot of work today. Yeah. Let me just throw, let me just have a little bit of wild turkey on the rocks here

just to get me until like 7 p.m. Sure. Next thing, you know, it's 5.30 and you're ordering Indian food for six people. Oh, just for you. That's a liquor loop. And the next day you wake up, you do it again. Dick, I feel like you've done. described like every weekday for you.

It's hard to get out of. It's hard to get out of because you get used to it. Yeah. It, no, it really is. It really is. I know we joke about it, but it really is. It's a really tough thing. It prevents you from trying new things as I said. This is, again, from psychology today, they said, this kind of categorical description of past events becomes a prediction of things to come, which is the gambler's fallacy, essentially. Past predictions Don't affect the future? Don't affect the future? Yeah. The idea that you are destined to fail will prevent you from trying new things.

Few thoughts are more likely to prevent change than those that predict defeat. Self-defeating thoughts are central in maintaining depression and blocking change. The most common self-defeating category of thoughts stems from the belief that we are doomed to letting our past determine our future. In fact,

this misery-inducing mantra, I have always been this way, is responsible for stopping people cold, dead in their tracks before they even attempt to change a behavior or emotion. Such thoughts are depression, enforcing. And I'll tell you, man, I used to suffer from depression a lot. I used to be really depressed, especially in my early 20s. I was suicidal. I was suicidal. I totally get it. I totally get

that. How suicidal. What do you mean suicide? Well, I mean, I thought about it. I thought that I got nothing to live for, you know, life sucks. This is garbage. Everything's terrible. I was a miserable person. And any time anyone asked me how I was doing, my default response was shitty, right? And I remember the day I realized I was depressed was when I was at work, I was sitting on a bench outside. And some of my coworkers came out to me and they said, hey, Maddox, what are you doing this weekend? I said, oh, I don't know. I don't have any plans. He said, what do you want to do? And I thought about it. And my answer was nothing. I thought, I don't really want to do anything. I didn't want to play video games. I didn't want to eat.

That's depression? Yeah. When you don't want to do anything. Like, it wasn't in a relaxing sense, like I just want to go home and unwind. It was in a sense like, nothing brings me joy. I have no hopes or dreams. No hopes or dreams. Nothing. I don't want to do anything. Video games were my favorite thing and I didn't even want to play video games. And then that's when I realized I was depressed.

And so out of desperation and depression, I decided to experiment. I actually overcame my depression this way. And I didn't read this anywhere. It was just an experiment. I did on my own. Okay. I thought I was going to start lying to people. I said, what do I?

Great. Yes. I thought, what do I have to lose? Right? I'm just gonna... Only gains! Only gains! And if you lose, lie about it! What a dickhead. No. I said, I'm going to start lying to people all the time.

And I decided a specific type of lie, right? If they asked me how I was doing, I said, I was gonna tell them the opposite. I was just gonna start fucking... Oh, okay. Fake it till you make it kind of thing. Is that where you're going? I didn't know that that's what it was. But essentially, yeah. I decided to tell them the opposite.

People had asked me how I was doing, and I said, great, or excellent. Yeah. Better than ever. And I remember, too, I remember typing better than ever. And then someone wrote back and they said, why? And I thought, well, shit. No. I didn't think that they would ask.

I've dug myself a hole now. Yeah. I got a really gin up the lie machine. Uh-huh. And so then I thought about it. Well, I thought, what could I possibly say here to just get them to get them off my back? And I said, like, the simplest thing ever. I just said, well, I thought about it.

And I thought, well, I guess I'm in college. And I'm about halfway towards graduating. So I said that. And then I told another person, they said, why? And over the course of two weeks, I kept trying to justify why I was in a good mood. And I said, well, I got a family. I said, I got a roof over my head. I got a good-paying job.

I'm relatively healthy. I'm young. I have my life ahead of me. And then I said, I own hundreds of video games. I have all this. That was the capper. Then you explode a rainbow shot out of your house. But I don't have a jet pack.

No. Or the crown jewels. Yeah, Jeff Pack for him would be bad. Yeah. No, it would be good. Straight to do it. I'd accomplish one of my life goals. Anyway, man.

So over the course of two weeks, I found that my life had shifted, my philosophy, my mindset had shifted, my perspective had shifted. And that's when I stopped having those self-defeating thoughts. Well, so much. I mean, I still do, especially when I'm writing. Oh, man, you should get in my head with my demons a few minutes. They're a knee-jerk reaction. What, the demons? Well, no, the self-defeating thoughts, you just learn to not listen to them.

Yeah, yeah. But there'll always be a knee-jerk reaction to some extent. Wait, wait, what do you mean? When do you think about? When do you think, like, self-defeating thoughts like you're talking about? Like, what do you think and when does it happen? Sometimes when you're going to try something new or go into like a new career or something like that and you're stressed out about it? You think like, God damn, at that time I deleted the podcast.

That's going to haunt me forever. Does that happen? Well, it has haunted me forever. I'm still here. I'm serious. What do you think when you're like entering those situations? Just self-doubt? Well, I'm currently tracking everyone who's ever left a voicemail about it.

They'll be getting a package. Okay, Sean, the Unabomber. Domestic terrorism. Yeah, man. So over the course of the last, like I would say the next, after I did that experiment, right? That was in my early 20s. Then for about 12 years of my life, I didn't experience depression. I didn't experience it again for about 12 years.

Did you do that for 12 years or did it come more naturally? It came naturally. It came naturally. I started, I remember, I mean, this sounds super, it almost sounds like hippie-dippy bullshit. Oh, it sounded like that since you started this story. Fuck you, Burning Man. I don't need the shit. I remember waking up one morning and just thinking, well, that's another day I'm alive.

That's cool. And I was so happy just to be alive. I really was. Because I remember waking up in my apartment. It was my new apartment, and it smelled good. And I thought, wow, this is unusual. No, but I really thought, I really thought I like the smell this morning

And I like that I'm alive this morning And I don't care what happens to me today At least I started out alive Like that's a good thing, right? My perspective completely changed I didn't get depressed again until I would say about two years ago And then again I went through and I practiced

And I practiced these mental thoughts And you know, overcame, overcame. But that's these self-defeating thoughts, man. They're a bitch. You ever experience those dick? Yeah Yeah, let me think I'm trying to

Well, I mean, I just want to say yes I hate when people say yes And I identify with like bad things You know, like oh I feel that way too See, he never seems like he does Yeah Because he'll try anything No, I've seen it

I've seen it, I've seen it, yeah Oh, please tell me Because we're good friends No, I don't want to get into personal shit Why? I don't care No, no No, because What is it in regards to?

No, I've seen it In the way that you think about Sometimes you ruminate about things And things about life Where your life has been, where your life is headed I'll see it sometimes Yeah Where has my life been?

I'll give you a second to think about it, Dick But I want to go back to your problem About dudes who need to get laid This is from the bold.com They said these are five self-defeating thoughts That your single silent I don't know. I don't know. The title's a mess here.

But anyway, it said, here's a self-defeating thought. If I were hotter, skinnier, smarter, or more interesting, I'd have someone by now. See, but I don't think stuff like that. Like, everything negative I think about myself is just laziness. That you're lazy? Yeah. It's like, well, why don't I have this? Like, well, because you didn't do it.

Because you didn't work for it. Like, that's it. But that's rational. That's not like... That's what I think. Like, that's what I always come back to it. It's not shit like that. Like if I had this, my life would be better.

It's like, well, you should have worked harder for it, man. Well, this doesn't apply to you, but this is definitely a huge... Okay, keep giving me some more examples then. Okay, well, this is a huge subset of... Because I don't identify with what you were talking about either, Sean. Like, where you're trying something new and you are, like, doubting yourself about it. Well, I think a lot of that forms really early. Depends on who your role models are growing up.

You know, I think. I mean, that's what the experts seem to think. Yeah, I believe that. Well, dig that... My parents aren't like that either. No, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, they're not. Your parents are very encouraged you when you grew up right.

Yeah, all the time. Yeah, well, that's great. Too much, probably. Yeah, definitely too much. Oh, we got to have a talk. Probably. We got to have a talk. No, but these guys, a lot of people, and girls, too.

They wouldn't even say no. They wouldn't say no to you? Yeah, they were so, like, experimental and hippie-dippy-dippy. When I was like, too, my mom wouldn't use the word no. Would your parents go to Berkeley? No, they did not go to Berkeley. Big Dukakis fan? Was it, was Dukakis the...

He got, he got Trump. He got stumped by Reagan, right? Dukakis was his... Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second... No, Dukakis was Bush. Yes.

Yeah. Mondale was Reagan. Was Reagan's second term. Yeah. Yeah. I won't hold my opponents... That was a half a stump because of the stumping you're going to see.

Oh, yeah? From Trump? Go ahead. So they say... So these are a lot of people who have these self-defeating thoughts when it comes to dating. They think if I were skinnier, if I was smarter, if I were more interesting,

I'd have someone by now, right? And this is the response is that Insecurity is one of the most useless emotions. I mean, think about it. What has it done for you lately? What has insecurity ever done for you? Not a damn thing, right? Except maybe bum you out and keep you down.

And the worst part is, because confidence is the single most attractive quality a person can have, focusing on your weakness actually makes you less attractive. So the self-defeating thought is a feedback loop that makes you even worse because you think these things about yourself. and then you actually start behaving that way.

Yeah. That's why sometimes, dude, I'm a big party crasher, and I'm not going to get into it right now. But I've gone party crashing with friends, right? And I tell them, if you want to come along with me, you have to think the thoughts. Yeah, you have to... One of my friends was going to come with me party crashing at a time,

and they said, well, what if we don't get in? I said, you're not coming. You're not getting in. You've already failed this test. You don't... There is no what if. I belong at this party. I'm going to get into this party,

of story. I get, it's not like the secret bullshit either. It's, it's an entire mentality you have to actually believe. Because if you don't, they can sniff around, they can sniff around. I feel like you're incredulous about this whole thing, Dick. Or are you actually thinking about self-defeating thoughts? No, I'm just trying to identify, I'm just trying to find a way to identify with this problem. Like, you put the challenge, I 100%

agree with what you're saying. Yeah. Fake it until you make it. Um, act like you're supposed to be there. That's, you know, that's my M.O. to the end. Like, I'll do, if somebody says do this, I'm like, yeah, yes, I can do that, yes, whatever it is. Yeah, sure. Like, are you sure? Yeah, totally. No, but then where's the follow through?

Do you have the follow through? Of course. You have to. I don't think that it's an opportunity. Well, what's the difference between, when it comes to thoughts, specifically thoughts about trying to change the way you think? What is the difference between faking it and actually being it? Thought-wise?

Yeah. No difference. There's no difference. difference, right? No. So essentially, it's not faking it. When you actually think it... Yeah, but you have to fake it at first.

Maybe the first time you ever do it. But I think that even that, the first time you ever do it is not really faking it either. Well, you can look at things in a different perspective then. How's that? Okay, that's fair. But I really think that when people do this, when you actually think these thoughts,

that's the change. That's all you have to do. It is literally a difference in perspective. That's all it is. It's a difference in perspective. that is the, that is, there's a chasm of people who do and people who don't, and in between that chasm are these self-defeating thoughts that prevent you from achieving. Do you give talks about this stuff? Do you give talks about this stuff?

No. You do sound like an asshole. I know, I sound like such a prick. I sound like every one of those fucking shithead marketing guru, you know, life coach. Yeah, you do. Asholes. Because it's a big problem. But I mean. Because people, no, no, hold on. Because everyone needs this. Like, millions of people need to stop doing this.

And they need to hear it. Yeah. Like, it's as simple as that, especially when you're talking about getting laid. It is, you see these, you see, like, an image in your mind. You can picture some smoking hot trophy girlfriend with some, like, rich troll, right? And you think, oh, she's just a gold digger out for the money. But it's like, yeah, but also, he might just think that highly of himself. And you can project that onto people.

Don't write her off as a hooker or whatever. She might be. I don't know. But he could also just be a very charismatic guy who believes in himself, and that's very attractive. Yeah. And that can knock you up several points on the attraction scale. Oh, absolutely, man. I mean, I know there's guys out there.

You never see the reverse, though. What's that? Do you? Like some little troll. I guess Hugh Jackman. What about him? Hugh Jackman is like, that's why everyone says he's gay because he's very attractive and his wife is like, ho-hum.

Oh, my gosh, his wife, yeah. Have you seen his wife, Sean? No. That field is barren. No apples in that orchard. No cherries. What are you going to say? Yeah.

Yeah, it actually is that embodiment of confidence changes the way you think, helps you achieve. You overcome everything. You overcome all your obstacles because you think there's always someone more attractive than you. There's always someone more successful than you. They have more money than you. They're more popular than you. It doesn't fucking matter. And it has everything to do with your inner thoughts, your inner monologue, what you actually think about yourself, and whether or not you can achieve, because you can put those thoughts into action.

It changes the way you carry yourself. I used to be, even my body language, man, if you'd seen me like seven, eight years ago, I was kind of like slumped over like a tombstone all the time. And I didn't feel very confident about myself. And I felt, I felt I didn't feel as attractive. I didn't feel as worthy as some other people. but these are all things that I actually worked on. This is a... And it's not something...

That's the thing, Dick. You say that laziness... Laisiness is your self-defeating thought? Fair. That's totally fair. It's not self-defeating, though. It's genuine laziness. It's that I'd rather... It's that I'd rather spend all my time

being three beers deep. Like, my problem is not this problem. It's a big problem, but that's not my problem. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, well, I could... I can see that. I can see that with you.

But these self-defeating thoughts affect a lot of people. and they affect them in lots of nasty, terrible ways. And it's something that needs to stop. People need to stop reinforcing their bad, negative habits and start embracing good ones. Man, I sound like such a fucking dick. You sound like a huge dick.

I'm going to throw myself off a bridge from. I don't know, because I don't even watch these social marketing experts. I don't watch these life coaches or anything. I really don't, and I don't give a shit. I've never seen Tony Robbins. I've never gone to any seminars. I don't know where this is coming from. No, you learned it from experience.

Yeah, that's a fucking fact. That's how they start their seminars. I learned all this through experience. They sucker you in with that shit. But they can't convince you of it unless you do it. I love Mark. You might walk out of their high for a little while, you know, like, oh, yeah, it's so great. But you'll go back to your old habits unless you actually, like Maddox said, make that concerted effort to do it.

To do it? Yeah, to do it. You actually have to do it. You haven't even mentioned the physiological effects of what it does. What is it? Neurotransmitters and stuff? That positive outlook helps you make serotonin, dopamine, noraphenaphrin, all the stuff that your brain needs. Norifron?

No, that's true, Sean. It actually does. It releases more dopamine inside your mind. It reinforces the positive. It changes your neurochemistry, your brain neurochemistry to not be one of depression. Here's a lot of hype here. But there's not. A lot of plan, though, you know?

What do you mean not a lot of plan? Well, like, what's the plan? Fake it till you make it? It's not faking. Okay, stop right there, Dick. You're fucking up. That's your first problem right there. Saying the word fake.

It's not faking because you acknowledge earlier. No, it's not. You acknowledge earlier that there is no difference between a fake thought about a fake positive thought and a real positive thought. I know, but you're still getting off into the weeds again. You're still getting off into the weeds again. This doesn't help people who have negative thoughts. It absolutely does because you're looking at him.

That's a slogan. And by the way, what he's saying is a slogan. And by the way, and I still, I rant and I bitch and I, you know, I'm Maddox, right?

I fucking hate a lot of things. And now you're basically writing a hang-in-there, kiddie poster. Like, that's what this is. Fuck you, Dick, kid. It's focus on the good things in life. What the fuck?

Sing it on the cross. It worked for him. It might not work for everybody. But, but again, that, first of all, as Maddox, when I write my shit,

right, people are like, oh, you're so full of hate, you're so negative, blah, blah, I don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. I see it as caring, right?

I bitch because I care. I want things to be better. That's why I complain, and that's what I do. That's why I do what I do. Hating is the best form of caring, buddy. Hmm. Biggest form of caring. That's what I am.

Father Santa Claus of hate. All right. Big old, big old turd stack of hate right down your chimney. What, Dick? What's your problem? Oh, okay, I got one more fast one. Yeah. Two long shorts.

Too long of a short? Too long of a shorts. Too long shorts. You wear shorts? You wear shorts or you jeans? I'm wearing shorts right now, buddy. You like shorts, right? Sometimes.

What happened to us? What happened to us between the 70s and now? What's wrong? When you go buy shorts now, you cannot get a pair of shorts that don't go down to past your knees. What are you talking about? Are you kidding me? We are in the golden era of shorts, baby. Girls are walking around the shorter shorts I've ever.

But all I see is underbutt. Every day all I see is underbut. Okay. Too short of shorts for men. You're saying that they're too short for men? No, I'm saying that our shorts are way too long, man. Why are, since what, why are guys, why are we so embarrassed about showing thighs? This is what we're doing?

We're men and we're wearing, like, we're basically wearing dresses. We're basically wearing pants. What the hell is this? I'll tell you. Are you spending time in the Capri pants section? I hate caprice. I might as well be, Sean. I got to go on eBay to buy my shorts now

so I can show off these legs from Leg Day. What are you going to say? I hate, oh, yeah, from Leg Day, please. You don't have shorts then, but my friend. I'll tell you why. I dare you to try to find some shorts that go up to an appropriate length. You know why?

For a man. You know why they make them that long? Why? Mormons. Uh-huh. Mormons. I'm from Utah. You talk you talking about.

Yeah, I'm from Utah, and here's a thing, right? They say, those national fashion trendsetters, the Mormons. No, no, it's not about trendsetting. Here's what it is. LDS men, they have to wear garments, right? Yeah. It's their under armor, they're under armor, right?

And those things go down pretty long. They come down to your knees. Go ahead. Yeah, under armor. Under armor? Is that it, I don't know. That's the sporting wear. Oh, I didn't know that.

Okay, well, whatever. It's their garments. Yeah. And those things come down to your knees. and all my Mormon friends like to buy really long shorts because they like to cover their garments. Otherwise, it looks like they're wearing shorts over shorts.

But that's not the reason it's like this nationally. In the 70s, man, beautiful shorts for men, right? Yeah. As long as the ball sack, that's how long you want your shorts to be. And then cut off right there, so there's always some danger of them. Shit's flopping out and getting seen by a kid, right?

Yeah. And that kid's got to go, Mommy. What were those? What was that? And mom's like, oh, son, those were some big balls. That's what that was. What happened between then and now? These are, this is a progression.

These shorts, these fucking shorts that I buy wherever I buy them, are a progression toward wearing a dress. That's what this is. Get out of. That's what this is. I like to let my boys breathe a little bit. I don't want them bunched up like in the 70s, man. You're part of the problem. You're part of the problem.

What can you do, what can you even do in these? How many pockets do you need on a pair of shorts? How many pocket knives and flashlights do you carry around? Do you want any, I need cargo fucking shorts? You know what, Dickhead? I need to be able to fit two canteens in my pockets at the same time. Go ahead. Like, this is something, yeah, this is something kind of interesting.

I didn't realize this until I went to six flags in California for the first time. And in six flags, there were a bunch of tourists walking around, and I noticed that there was almost like a tourist uniform because I'd been in Los Angeles for a while. And I noticed most people out here kind of dress a little bit hipper. Yeah, fuck you. I said it, all right? Deal with it. What?

People hear dress hipper. I know everyone's got a bitch in the comments. No one's debating that people in L.A. dress hipper than they do it in the Midwest. Yeah. No, it's the coastal cities are dressed hipper. The coastal cities dress hipper. Yeah. That's a fact.

I can't wait to see these comments. How is that not a fact? You and I think that, but they don't. They think they dress hip. Oh, boy. Yeah. They think they dress hip. And I noticed this is their uniform, right?

The tourist uniform. Cargo shorts. khaki pants what's it what's a polo shirt the the one of the the uh the carers dickies no the is it dockers yeah Oxford shirt oxford shirt yeah just a button up shirt no not even a button up but it has the collar

oh a polo shirt a polo shirt yeah polo shirt khaki pants cargo shorts and that is the that is the uniform however when I when I had cargo shorts and I still do sometimes because they're very utilitarian and I actually do carry around I did one time at one point you carry around video games had pliers blow up your pockets in case you need to pop out a PSP at the bicycle store? No.

It's useful sometimes. Dick, you wear shorts. They're the normal length. No, they're not normal at all. I hate shorts. I hate these long shorts, man. It's embarrassing. I have some of those 70 shorts that you were talking about. I have a green pair. My balls came out one time. Yes.

That's the intended effect. That's what you want. That's considered a win. That's why he's not allowed in Chuck E. Cheese anymore. No, I will say this, though. The balls came out on a bike ride. Uh-huh. Yeah, my balls came out on a bike ride

and a lady noticed. Your balls were showing? Uh-huh. And she kind of giggle, and she was into it. There you go, man. You see? They knew what they were doing in the 70s. Moustaches, short shorts where your balls might come out.

This is a joke, these shorts. These two-foot-long shorts that we're wearing. This is a travesty. We're talking to women wearing these shorts, expecting them to have sex with us and what we're ashamed of our thighs. We're embarrassed and giddy like little girls about showing some thigh.

It's embarrassing. No, it's unbecoming, man. I don't want to wear short shorts. No, even the way you say it, you should do it and you should like it. You need to learn how to like it. No, man. No, short shorts, short shorts,

they bunch up. Here's the thing. Pants now, I don't know what it is in the last, like, two years. They've started making men's pants where it's just like tight around the crotch. And every, I find myself, I have two holes. I have a pair of pants right now.

I can show you right now. I have these pants. They have two holes right where my balls are. Because, first of all, my balls is so fucking huge, right? First of all. But second, because they keep bunching up around my balls. So I reach down with my thumbs and pinch them on the inside and I pull it down. I keep pulling it down.

And now it's worn a hole where my balls are. Where your pinches are. Where my pinches are. Oh. Yeah. I have to be careful, too. Separate problem. They want to pinch my balls.

All right. That's my problem. Good problem, Dick. All right, Dick, what's your problems this week? Cheating. Cheating, cheating, and two long shorts. And my problem is self-defeating thoughts. Biggest problem in the universe.

See you next Tuesday. All right, here, I got one from a guy you'll recognize. Hello, Dick. Hello, Master's in. This is Mario calling. You have to see it. You would put the Super Smash Browl video up on your website. It's still not there. Maddox, rotating on my game, and please put it up. I would like to see Dick fuck you in the ass with special power-ups.

Goodbye. Are you going to put that up? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, I said I'd put it up last time. I ran out of time, guys. I wanted this to look good. How hard is it to put that up? I sent it to you.

Yeah. It was fine. I know. I was splicing it in with the other footage that I got. Are you cutting it to make it look like I lose? No. Is this some kind of a trick? No, you won fair and square.

You won that. Are you cutting it with like other footage to make it look to make me look stupid somehow? Dick, you do that. Are you just going to put it off until everyone forgets? No, I'll post it. I'll post it. I'll post it. I'll post it.

Oh, this is a great one. Yeah. Hey, Maddox. This is your fan and this is how we talk. You said in like the last episode that when you used to jerk off in your parents' van, that your mom used to listen to Arabian trumpet music. But a few episodes ago, you said that. Dick said that Armenia was in the Middle East,

and then you said, no, it's not. It's a European country. How can your mom listen to Arabian trumpet music if you're not European? That's a good point. I don't get it. Idiot. Idiot fucking... Well, he's got a point.

You called it Arabian... Dumb shit music. Yeah, my mom speaks Arabic. Hey, bad dogs. How come your mom is Mr. German music if she's our music. Because people speak different languages, fuckface. It's not an uncommon thing. Do you ever think?

Have you ever used your brain in your life? Get a brain, moran. Some hyperbole for you. Last one. Last one. God damn, Dick. First you're talking about illegals. And then you're talking about women, how they need to get any more data. And then you talk about building the border, move the races, you know.

You know, fly the kite's cake, something like that. God damn. Fuck Trump. can't stuff the Trump. I got a better one. Can't trick the dick. I think he's ripping off some lines from me. Garbage.