The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 68

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from naughty children to naughty nurses. Oh, gross. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or should be on the big list of problems like Maddox. With me is Dick. Hey, what's that, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. And with us, calling in is Asteroos Coconos.

Hello? How you doing Asteroos? I'm doing great. How you guys doing? Good. Good. So we just had the fortune of talking to you twice because you just helped. out with the bonus episode, and we did a bit at the bonus episode.

For a very good reason. We started a contest. What is inarguably a contest? Yes. Correct? Correct. Called the Celebrity Shame Pool. Right. Asteroos, do you want to tell us what the celebrity shame pool is for those of you who are too cheap or too much of a coward? Or maybe your dick's not big enough to buy our bonus episodes. Explain it to these people. What is the Celebrity Shame Pool? Well, if you have a smallish to medium-smallish-sized penis, you know, you're probably not... We don't want any small clit people listening or weighing in on this. Too far.

Go ahead. Well, this is an exclusive thing for people who subscribe to or buy the biggest solution in the universe. So if you haven't yet, now is a great time to jump in. It's called the Celebrity Shame Pool. As you all know, the media has a lot of fun destroying celebrities for no reason. Kind of like, you know, when they went after Jerry Seinfeld for saying a very innocuous thing, but how college kids are oversensitive. And that was like a month-long thing where people were like, oh, Jerry Seinfeld is racist.

And it's like, oh, fuck that. Like, yeah, okay. College kids are oversensitive. The media is on a tolerance witch hunt. Yeah. Yes. Against celebrities. Yeah, and for good reason, it makes the money.

And we want to make the money off. It makes the money, yes, but for good reason, yeah. So, two, why not? So we have started a celebrity shame pool for $20, each of us are putting five celebrity names on the big list of celebrity shame, and if one of the celebrities we pick gets called out by the menians and kicks off a shitstorm or something, they get the pot. So, you know, for example, I had, oh, actually, Sean had Jennifer Lawrence, which I thought was a really good pick. Great pick, Sean. Yeah, because Jennifer Lawrence is like Hollywood sweetheart. Everyone loves Jennifer Lawrence. So you've got to be thinking there's some asshole a gawker out there who's just a piece about how Jennifer Lawrence is bad for feminism.

And like that thing's going to go viral. And then when that thing goes viral, Sean gets the money. And so that's the long and short of it. There we go. Is that an adequate explanation? We got off into the weeds halfway through there talking about money and this and that. But would you say Maddox that that's an accurate? That's the gist of it. And we want you guys to weigh in. So we ask people listening to the bonus episode to weigh in with their picks for the celebrity shame pool.

And you should have essentially no more than one or two of your top picks. We're going to have a few more because we're the hosts of the show. And that's what we do and it's our fucking show. Yeah, we're putting money in. It's a pool. It's a celebrity shame pool. You want to pick some more? Yeah. We're going to go around.

So I'll just to bring it. Everyone up to speed real quick. During the bonus episode, I brought in Amy Polar, and Uzo Aduba. She's the black. She plays the crazy, crazy eyes, I think, on oranges the new black. I know people are itching to bring her down. I got a good pick here. Louis C.K.

Well, oh, yeah. That's bullshit. Because he's already been, he's already been called out for the media for those rumors where he was jerking off in hotel room. Yeah, he was captured. two women, other comedians, and like made them stay in a hotel room while he, while his big red ass jerked off in front of them. Are you kidding me? Really? This is a real? Yeah, this was a real thing. Yeah, this was a real thing. Oh, fuck. Okay, then I got a back. I got an alternate. I got a backup

here. He's like the white Bill Cosby. Okay. Oh, man. Also, joining us is my man from Burning Man. Also joining us. That mystery voice. Who closed out the chapter of his, uh, his non, is never-ending romance with the Duchess of Weed during our bonus episode. Did you not? Most romantic man in the world, I think, right here. I got another pick, guys. He heard the word romance and just tuned out. Go ahead.

What's your pick? Mark Marin. Oh, that's good. That's a good one. All right. President Obama's favorite podcaster. Yeah, apparently. And only.

Mark Marin is prime subject. Because he always sounds depressed and angry. He is. So he's got some, and you know he's got some skills. I've seen him do stand-up where he basically just laid on the stage. Like, he was just vicious and mean. Yeah, that's what I heard, and that's what it's got. And I think that there's a ticking time bomb there that's going to,

it's going to be a psychological meltdown that I think we're going to witness. And people are not going, people can't wait for shit like that to happen because they'll exploit it and they'll talk about these demons in his closet. They won't be sensitive about it. He's a prime target, yeah. Okay. I'll go next. Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert, that's a good one. He's making a big jump. He's making a big jump, and he's going to have to break character, right? That character that he's doing comes from a dark place. No. You understand? No, it doesn't. Okay, yeah, what do you know about being a character in mass media, right?

I know specifically about Stephen Colbert. See, I like that you pick this because it's going to be easy for the rest of us. But Stephen Colbert, I think in autobiography, he interviewed, he said that he doesn't come from a dark place. He said most comedians do, and he specifically said my life, my upbringing was good. Yes, of course his upbringing was good, but I think the care, what were you going to say? I think his parents were killed when he was really young. Or his dad. It was his dad and his brother, I think.

Look, he's able to be a loathsome person on his show right now, right? The Colbert Report. Right? I mean, he's able to be a controversial person and write it off his satire. When he's, when he's himself, I think he's going to slip up, and I think he's got a lot of eyes on it. Okay. Interesting theory. Interesting theory. Sean, you got another pick? I do have another pick.

I'm going to keep it with the late-night theme. I'm going to go Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, Jimmy Kimmel. That's a good one. But he's gone so long without it. But he's been crying a lot lately. About what? About Cecil the Lion. Oh, really?

Oh, you're right. And somebody recently said he was mean. It's only a matter of time before he may slip up in public. Because, you know, they're writing jokes on the show. But I think he, I think it's a matter of time. Okay. All right. And remember, this is you have to get outed for saying something, homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic or racist. Racist, colonialist, anything that you can get shamed for.

Anti-American? Anti-American, yeah. Anti-American, though? No, because the Dixie Chicks got that during the Bush administration because they went out. Yeah, Dixie Chicks, anti-American, anything along those lines, anti-Islamophobic, like, let's throw it, anything that you could get shamed for. Okay, Stereos, who do you got? All right. My next pick?

I am going to go with Owen Wilson. He's been around for a long time. He's a writer, he's an actor, he's a good-looking guy. It's sort of like he's the perfect storm of an unstable man. And I feel like now that he has stopped making money for Hollywood,

the way he's going to make money is, I don't know, by saying something offensive, getting drunk, doing this, do we make you, maybe he'll grope a girl in a hotel bar. Who knows with Owen Wilson? All right. Yep, so that's my pick. My man, who's your pick?

I don't know if we decided this wasn't an option, but my pick is Jimmy Carter. Nope. Jimmy Carter? He's alive? Politician. He's definitely on the way out. He's dying of cancer. He's 90 years old.

His cancer spread to his brain like three days ago. And I just think that like post-humus. Humphily. I nailed it. Posthumously. And I just think something's going to. gonna come out, they're like, oh, back in 2001, Jimmy Carter. All right.

Yeah, I don't mention that. So, uh, my backup would be Tim Burton. Flat out hate Tim Burton movies. That's it. I don't even know if the guy talks. I have no, I don't know nothing about it. I don't know what he looks like. I imagine he has a weird neck.

He looks like an ugly version of Johnny Depp. Okay, I got, I got it. I imagine he looks like a really tall, hairy spider. Just like really gangling, creepy, not even human. All right, guys. There's the shame pool. Let's go. Let's move on.

We got, uh, we got a lot of great. round. Thanks, hysterios. Thank you guys. Talk to you next time. See you. Thank you. And on that note, I should also say, well, not on that note, but we should also mention later on in the episode, we're going to have a call-in from our buddy Tom Phillips.

Yeah. Imagine that. Who's in Germany right now. The game's con in Germany. So he's going to call in it after the first problem. Anyway, guys, I got some problems for even last time, guys. The biggest problem from last week was cheaters. Oh, well.

Cheaters. People have spoken. Yeah, man. I guess cheating resonates with a lot of people. It hurts a lot of people. It can be a problem. As we mentioned also, it can be a solution. Once again, I'm part of the problem.

Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah, you're a big problem, Dick. That's foreshadowing. All right, guys, the problems from last week, I got one for you. Self-defeating thoughts. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Bravo. When's your self-help book about self-defeating thoughts coming out? No, fuck you, Dick. I don't need this shit. I know I sounded like a fucking self-help guru douchebag last episode. You know what? After that last episode, I kicked my own ass just to be safe, just to make sure I don't get soft. I don't go soft. I punched myself in the jaw until I blacked out.

That episode, that actually made me think a lot about the predicament you guys are in with your self-defeating thoughts. And I really, like, I really do not, you and Sean. People you're both identified with it. You have them too much. Jesus Christ, you take everything so personally. I just don't have self-defeating. thoughts. Like I think whenever any, even something I haven't even done, like if somebody's like, hey,

you want to pilot this spaceship back through the atmosphere, I'd go like, well, you know, I'll give a shot. Yeah. I'll give it my best shot. Maybe it won't work out great, but I'll give it my best shot. That's my approach to everything in life. I'll do it. Sure. I think you're confusing overconfidence and a tinge of arrogance with self-defeating thoughts. But I'm not assuming it'll go great or even be good. I might fuck it up. It just doesn't, like it doesn't take over my thought process like you guys are describing. That recklessness comes from somewhere. How is it? See, you see it as reckless,

but it's really like, yeah, I'll give it your, I'm, and I'm going to say, you know, I'm not qualified to land a space shuttle. Like, you guys know that, right? They're going to say, yeah, but we're NASA, we like blowing through money. Give it a shot. I'm like, yeah, I'll give it a shot. Sure, I'll try my best.

That's what goes on in my mind all the time. Try your best. And, you know, if you have to stick it to people and be an asshole and make a little money for yourself, so be it. Hmm. Okay. Well, that's a more verbose way of saying recklessness. So, anyway, the problems from last week, I can't believe this, shorts that are too long. More shenanigans. No, I said too long of shorts. Oh, too long of shorts. That's right. Too long of shorts. Look at this. I'm looking at my man right here. Way too long. It's disgusting. They were slacks. Not long enough, I say. I want to see those things go all the way down to your ankles and then pass your ankles and then not stop like a wedding dress. like pajamas. Like an old miners' pajamas. Yeah, like old miners' pajamas

where you have to bunch them up and put them in a bun. Whatever you got to do, man, just cover it up. Wrap it around yourself two, three times. Those are the shorts I want to see you wearing. All right, let's get on, let's get to some comments. I got a comment here from Mike Puckett.

This came to me on Twitter at Mike'sie Puckett. He says, Maddox Rules, I just watched a baby knock a glass off a table and it didn't even help clean it up, upvoted. And also, you know what I'd like about that comment is he referred to the baby as it, which I do a lot, and it pisses off my friends who have babies. They say, it's a she,

or it's a he. I say, fuck you, I don't know. Dress it in baby appropriate colors. I don't know it's fucking gender, so I'm going to call it it. Fuck you. That's a weird way to get back of people. I notice you trying to do that to me when I brought my dog around. You were referring it on purpose as the wrong gender and looking at me like a baby would look at me like, yeah? What do you think about that? And I was like, I don't give a fuck if you're calling my dog the wrong gender. Cool. She doesn't know.

He doesn't know. I don't give a shit. Why would that, who does that bug? I don't know. It bugs you. You hang out with some people who are fucked. I remembered it because I'm, I was like, what is this? What is this that I'm seeing?

This is very weird. You're seeing pure unadulterated joy. I love doing that. Yeah, I can't, I can't imagine why you'd get joy out of that, especially when it causes no distress on my part. I got one from Ram Rackam. This guy's making a comparison between you, Maddox. and a household cat.

What? Yeah, I think he might be on to something. Good, I want to hear this. Thinks he's the center of the universe and that other people exist to cater to his whims. Maddox, check, cats, check. You a cat guy? Are you a cat guy?

I don't mind cats. So you're a cat lover. I don't mind dogs. I don't want them because I don't want to deal with all the shit that comes with all the baggage and the smells and carrying shit around. I never want to carry the shit around of another creature, especially one that can't drive me to the hospital.

Hmm. Likes boxes. Maddox, check. Cat also check. Oh, okay, he's got me there. Dogs don't like boxes. I think you're a cat guy. That's because I throw them at the dogs. Here's a box. Here's a box. Contributions back to society by Maddox

slowly explaining to other people why he's better than them. Cat catching mice, bugs, and other household pests. That's a draw. That's a draw. I don't know. I'd like to see you ever bring in cats if you are. Because I don't hate dogs. Maybe you are a cat. Cats are...

No, man. Here's the thing, as far as pets go, cats are amongst the lowest maintenance. Because they bury their own shit. Pro cat. They find their own food. They bury their own shit. And they fuck off. They don't bother me. I want my, I want to come home.

And I don't want some fucking slobbering animal drooling all over my legs. So I have to go to the bathroom like I'm a horny chick, right? Like just wiping off, wiping. I'm sorry, what? How did horny chicks go to the bathroom? Because you get old dewy. Dick, you know, come on. You of old people.

You know. Horns said, do we? Dix Man, Steve, don't give me the shit. New, guests of the show, give me shit, or, look, I know what I'm talking about. I don't want some slobby animal drooling all over my legs, so I have to go to the bathroom and wipe it down. Now you're talking about a horny chick.

That's what I'm talking about, yeah. I mean, if I come home after a long day at work, I want to sit down, relax, place some bloodborne, kill some enemy, kill my enemies, smite my enemies, send off some hate mail, that's how I relax. Hmm. Anyway, I got a comment here from Daniel Martinez. He says sometimes my ass cheeks itch while I'm doing cardio at the gym

This used to be a problem, but now I just scratch it and I don't care The hell kind of comment is that? I have no fucking idea, but I saw that in the main problems page And I thought that was super weird. Hey, let me ask you this. This guy Brian 94 on Twitter Told me, asked me to call you out on self-checkout lanes He says he would bet his trust fund that the problem is you and not the machines. And he wants you to record it

Okay And post it so he can tell you what you're doing wrong. He's on. He's on. Let me see. Give me his contact information. This is not a joke. I want to hear his contact information.

We'll cut this out of the episode. I want his contact information. He says to read it on the air. What? It's suck my cock at fuck you.com. Oh, okay. No, it's a Twitter. It's Brian 94.

Okay, Brian 94. Empty out your trust fund. Fuck face. Because I have not only have evidence. I have an entire video I've recorded that I'm editing right now. It's in post. Fuck you. I got your trust fund, buddy.

I hope you're rich, dickhead. Probably not because he's an idiot. He sounds like an idiot. If he uses himself to checkout lane, it sounds like a moron. A real underachiever. I don't need this underachiever's a trust fund, or you can't be what, it's like 35 cents in there. Can't even buy me a banana. Let me tell you about the variable in automatic checkout lanes.

Ew. It depends what you're buying. It depends what you're buying. They can be fast if everything scans. If you've got a lot of produce and shit like that that you're buying like 12 tires, like monster truck tires, and it doesn't work. But for everything else, it works perfectly. If you're buying say normal things that a grocery store carries like produce and meat and, I don't know, things that you eat, not just fucking garbage snacks that you can scan with a barcode, then it chokes up.

And also here's another variable. The person in front of you. And here's another variable. The programmer who made the machine. And here's another variable. The engineers that created the touchscreen that doesn't fucking work. Fuck self-checkout lanes. Fuck you.

Well, people at Walmart figured them out. That's all I'm saying. Oh, yeah, Walmart. I got a voicemail here. Hey, Bono. We miss you. Yeah, we do miss you. Oh, yeah.

What happened to Bono? I miss that little Irish jig that he used to do when he fell into the show. Maybe he died. I don't know. He can all be so lucky. Hey, what's up, Dick? This is Dan from Northern California. I used your wonderfully thought-out pickup line of asking what girls.

dads are like, and you know what happened? I was basically chased out of a party for being a super weirdo. Asking a girl what her dad is like is apparently super not cool. Okay. It may be because you sound like Buffalo Bill. That might be, that's the variable in this equation, right? Well, he's also in Northern California. And you would, my man, you know something about Northern California, correct?

The Kingdom of Weed. Kingdom of Weed. A lot of paranoia. Everyone's going to think you're weird. Just, I don't know, avoid it. It's a bad line. It's a terrible line. I've actually, because I discovered that on my own because I actually used it, not as a line, but it came up in a conversation one time.

And I was like, really making headway with this girl on a date. Everything was going smooth sailing. We liked each other. She's super interesting. She's hot. I'm hot. You know, everything's bada bing, bada-a-boo. We're heading towards Sacktown, buddy.

Okay. And then, just out of curiosity. So what's your, what's your relationship with your family like? She goes, oh, I don't talk to my dad, and it turned into this abusive thing. Well, I didn't say family. I said, blah, blah, blah. No, I think I specifically asked her her dad and then her family, but it was just a train wreck of a conversation. No, man, killed the mood.

Killed the mood. Dick, should we get to some problems? Yeah, go ahead. After the problems, we have a call-in from Tom Phillips. All right. My first problem this week is people who can't cook. Oh, okay. Yeah, people who can't cook.

Big problem. People who can't. People who can't. You got a lot of people who blanks. That's another in the series of people who blank. Right. All right. I like that because I like to see how they rank on the overall list.

Like if you look at it and just search by people who, then you see who's the most annoying type of people. Sure. Sure, fair enough. People who can't cook are idiots. They're bad at following directions. That's it. That's all it is.

Is it? If you can't cook, you're a fucking idiot. You can't follow a few instructions. By the way, the average recipe has like four instructions. Four. Mix the ingredients. Turn on the stove. Take it out of the stove when it's ready.

It's like, that's what? Three, four ingredients. And then the fourth instruction is eat. Like what the, how fucking hard is it to cook? Are you morons? And it's just like a fucking contest. It's a shit show contest where people are just, uh, it's a race to the bottom. Exactly.

It's a race the bottom. Who knows the least about cooking? I'm so stupid with cooking. I can't cook a jelly bean. Oh, I can't even boil water. I can't even eat. It's just, this is a problem. It's a subset of anti-intellectualism.

Yeah, it is. I hate it, too. Because now every single chick, like, well, not every single one, but most of them that I talk to, like to brag about how they can't cook. And like, you know, like you were saying last episode, just be honest all the time. I can't say what I honestly think. It's like, well, then, like, why? Then what the fuck are you bringing here?

Right. Like you can't, that seems like something you should enjoy. Right? Cooking or being honest? Cooking. Cooking, of course. For God's sake, why are you proud of that? Yeah.

What about it makes you proud of it? That it's part of your personality. You moron. You know what it's analogous to is when people used to have VCRs. And this might be the previous generation because people don't have VCRs anymore, but there would be a clock on the VCR. And it was kind of like a badge of honor about how. how stupid you were that you couldn't reset the clock on your VCR,

because you had to go into the menu screen, and you would do that by pressing menu, and then you would scroll down to where it says clock, and then you just change the clock time on it. It's three instructions. I literally just described how to do it, and everyone at parties would use it as some fucking dumb-ass badge of honor that they couldn't change the time on their VCR.

I'm so dumb, I don't even... Fuck you. You're so dumb, stay home. Don't come to this party. Don't sully the gene pool at this party, because you might get laid. Yeah. I do hate what you're talking about. Yeah, man.

Some people can't even cook spaghetti. Essentially, one of the easiest things to cook next to ramen. Ramen, you boil water. That's it. Spaghetti, you boil noodles, and then if you want, you don't even have to put any effort into it. You open a jar of sauce that you buy and pour it on top. My Italian grandmother is spinning in her grave,

talking about jar sauce. Jars and sauce. Which you prefer it in a can? That's a good solution. Hey. Dick. Speaking of, go buy our solution episode. Okay.

For $199. Great. Great plug. And then cook something while you listen to it, you morons. Learn how to cook. Look, I wrote this article a long time ago on my website. Talking about people who don't like math, and I compared them to animals that go extinct. Because that's what you are.

If you don't like math, you're a fucking donkey. You're a donkey. You're a donkey. Good. Fuck you. Because math is the exact same thing as cooking. It's following instructions. It's following this recipe.

Here is how you solve this problem. Follow the rules. It's numbered for you. one through four, what comes after one? Two, okay? Do what it says on step two. Just do what it says, and you can't fuck up. Well, there's an element of comfort.

Like, there's a degree of comfort that you can have while you're cooking, that people, that I think people are threatened by. This is actually in line more with your infantilism problem than anything else, I think. Like, people in their early, early 30s, probably more of their 20s, like early mid-20s, are threatened with the idea that they might screw up cooking. So they turn it into a joke, right? So they embrace the ignorance of it.

You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, I might have to cook. I feel insecure about having to cook. So instead of admitting that to myself or anyone else, I'm just going to pretend that it's cool to be stupid about it. Yeah, right? That's a good theory. That's a good theory, Dick.

Well, what? That's wrong? No, it's not necessarily wrong. I don't know. It just sounded like you made it for, from an armchair over there. It's a pretty libertarian viewpoint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that, mine?

No, his. His? Yeah, he's the libertarian. I mean, get your whole role of insults out. I'm trying to help your fucking problem. No, I agree, I agree. No, it just sounded a little bit like armchair psychology. But I don't disagree with your theory,

because it could be that it is a sense of comfort that they don't have to. I agree, it is an extension of infantilism and anti-intellectualism because they not only feel comfort, but I would also say that they're able to offset the responsibility of eating onto somebody else. Yeah. So it's almost like somebody who wakes up and sits in their pajamas all day

and eats a box of cereal because they can't cook, right? They think that that's part of their identity. It is infantilism. I agree, yeah, that's a good point. No, the cooking thing is a real problem, man. Here's the thing. I cook. I learned to cook one time because I went to a,

I went to a store and I thought, well, I'm not an idiot. I consider myself a pretty smart guy. And I went to a store and I bought a cookbook and I thought, I'm going to cook every recipe in this book. And I bought it home and I started cooking like three recipes into it. And I realized this is all the same shit. You're just putting in, you know, a little bit of herbs, a little bit of spices, a little bit of seasoning.

Pinch of this, pinch of that. You know, a quarter of a teaspoon. That's cook speak for a pinch. Okay, guys. Don't be an idiot. When it says quarter of a teaspoon, that's a pinch. I tried to do that too. I made it to no pages of the book.

I can cook chicken maybe at best. Like it's started to become embarrassing. I'll eat out all the time too. But I'm trying to get better at it. But it is not as easy as you're making it sound cooking. First of all, everything you buy to cook, when you go to cook a meal for yourself, everything you're buying on that first trip to the store

is all one huge waste. Because you're going to try to make something. You're not going to make something. make, you're gonna fuck it up. You're not, you're gonna have missed some, some, some little, some little ingredient, like heavy cream or something. 80 dollars of groceries, or, those 80 of groceries are gonna be sitting in your fridge for three weeks, right? It's all a waste. It's not, it's not as easy as going to the store, spending three hours making a meal, like when I'm hungry now. It's a hard habit to get into what? You're smiling.

No, Dick, my friend, you, you don't give yourself enough credit, because I, this is a true story. I had a barbecue at my place one time. Yep. I told everyone, you know, bring a side dish or something if you want, or a bag of chips, a beverage, whatever you want. Or nothing. Just come enjoy yourself because I'm magnanimous. So everyone came to this party, and Dick shows up with some fucking ace pie.

And I'm thinking, okay, where'd you buy this? All handmade. All handmade. Crust, handmade. Crushed up vanilla wafers was a crust. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. Beautiful Fourth of July party. Dick's man, Steve, this pie tasted incredible. Banana cream pie.

To the point where I thought, there might be some shenanigans going on. I honestly didn't believe... I grilled Dick. Probably three or four times during the course of the dinner. I'm like, seriously, where'd you buy the pie from? Yeah.

It was so delicious. It was a really good pie. Among the best. I also had another friend at the party who was, for a while, a professional pastry chef. Right. Right.

And she does really good desserts. And I thought your pie tasted better than her. It was the best tasting dessert. It did. It was the best tasting... Greatest pie ever made, probably. It was really good. My pie.

And Dick, you made. On a man's pie. Yeah, right? Like, I'm showing up with a scam here. A girl man shows up at your house with a pie. You assume he made it. That's just... Yeah, just let me have it.

Like, what does it cost you, assholes to just leave me the fuck alone about my... Like, I might have came... I might have come in a little hot on that. Check out this pie I made from scratch. I made from scratch. Like, you're right to be asking these questions. But it was getting under people's skin that it was so delicious. It was.

It was really delicious. It was too good to be real. In fact, to the point where I had to canvas for your pie, Dick. One of my friends didn't want to taste it, and I said, you got to taste this pie. Just take a bite of it. Just take a bite, and that bite turned into a slice. That's a great pie. It was a really good pie.

That's why I say, Dick, you're selling yourself short. I think you can cook. Yeah, but I understand there's a comfort level. And I understand that it's a tremendous waste to get in the habit of doing it. And that's what I think is threatening to people. A waste, no, man. You eat leftovers? I made gumbo the other is fucking delicious, man.

I eat my fingers off. I have stubs. But when did you start cooking? I started cooking when I moved out of my parents' house around the age of 21. Just immediately and you started and then that was it? We got no more soup deliveries. Yeah. Sean? Asshole. No. I made, I started cooking because I thought I'm not an idiot. It was really like one of those life challenges. Yeah. A skill I decided to pick up. I thought, I'm going to learn how to cook. I'm going to be better than most cooks.

And then it turned out, I was wrong. I'm better. than old cooks. Okay. And you never went through that phase of buying a shitload of groceries that all went bad

in your refrigerator? It happened once or twice and it's only because I was too busy and I didn't get around to cooking it. But there's one exception

where I do end up wasting a little bit of money on ingredients. And that's when I'm cooking for someone else. If I'm cooking for someone else, I pull out all the stops. I try to make a good job of it.

And like, here's a perfect example. To about three years ago for Thanksgiving, I was baking an apple pie from scratch. And there's this recipe I encourage you Oh, yeah, it's got to be from scratch

The crust and everything So I mean, what are you half-assing a pie? Just make no pie Just shit in a box and call it a pie Might as well Shit in a box and out a can So you... That's worse

So I encourage everybody to Google this recipe It's called Grandma Opel's Apple Pie recipe And it's the most famous recipe on Google Guess how much cinnamon and nutmeg Guess how much cinnamon and cloves They put in this recipe? I don't know how to guess that. Zero.

A million? Not a million, Dick's Man, Steve. No. Assholes. You guys make a mockery, my problem. A whole clove? Not a single grain of cinnamon. Not a single grain of clover.

So what's in the pie? It's just apples and butter. Oh. What kind of slap dick fucking pie? Get the shit out of my mouth. Get out of my kitchen. Get out of this country? No sugar?

Yeah, they put sugar. Okay. It's a bunch of. a bunch of dough with like a scoop of butter and a half like chopped up apples. Yeah, it's a shit recipe. And it's like, it's the most delicious pie I've ever had. And then like people improve the recipe. They're like, I added a dash of cinnamon and it tasted it really made the apple pop.

It's like, yeah, fuckface, it's an apple pie. You need cinnamon and apple pie. You need cinnamon and apple pie. You don't have cinnamon in that? Pay, get the fuck out of US. Who was it for? Who was this pie for? When's the last time you cooked like a nice romantic meal for someone?

Oh, boy, it's, uh... I've never done that. Chicks pulled that move on me. Last week. Yeah, last week. It was lunch. That's when I made gumbo. I made gumbo.

You made a romantic gumbo for a lady? You made a gumbo lunch in the middle of August? Right? This is, I mean, this is another level of like free time. So hot off that. Making a gumbo lunch in the middle of the day. Most people don't have this luxury. Gumbo.

Yeah, it was a romantic gumbo. It was a delicious romantic gumbo. I threw a bunch of ingredients in a pot. You fucking go fuck off for an hour, write your book, which is what I did. And then an hour later, you'd come back. and there's delicious gumbo in your kitchen. Delicious! I love gumbo.

It's just not my first choice for an August lunch. Well, my friend. I do hate what you're talking about, though. I hate that it's worn as a badge of honor. Yeah. Like, I can't cook and... It's like if people were, like, proud of themselves for being illiterate.

Yeah. Like, hey, can you tell me what street that is up ahead? Or... Can you read me that text? I just got, like, uh, excuse me, but I can't read. Oh. I don't know who you think you're talking to, but I don't do that. Oh, you can't read?

I can't even grammar. Yeah, man, it's a race to the bottom, and it's a real, it's tragic. It makes me think so much less of you. I really don't think it's cute or funny when people say they can't cook. I think it's obnoxious. I think it's annoying. I think you're a jerk. A big jerk who can't cook.

Fuck you. You're just going to rely on other people to feed you? What are you, a fucking baby bird? Yeah. Get out of here, baby bird. That's my problem. It is a race to the bottom. All right.

Can I go now? Well, we got, you want to, should we hear from, Tom Phillips? Let's hear it from Tom Phillips first. All right, let's, uh, he's waiting on standby. That's why I'm, I'm worried. We're gonna call him for some weird reason. We're, usually a correspondent would call us, but we're calling him.

It's a challenge to the form. Yeah. Hey, before we get Tom to call in, I would, man, my man, uh, do you cook? Are you a man who cooks? Because my experience with you is that you don't cook. How long were you living with me? I never cooked one meal. Didn't cook a single meal.

That's true. Do you cook? I, this, I, I, this. used to really, I got really into it with my ex-girlfriend. Like, we'd have a lot of, like, go and try to different recipes and stuff. But since I've moved up north, I haven't cooked a single meal. I'm, like, I'm treated like a king. It's wonderful.

Treated like a king. Like, I wake up to, like, fresh berries and, like, scrambled eggs with kale. What do you mean? You treat like a king. The Duchess. She cooks every meal for me. She goes out of her way to get, like, organic meats. King of wheat over here.

It's so good. Do you have a poison taster on staff? Yeah. Oh, you know, that's a really good idea. I should probably... Oh man, that's a bad. I need to get one of the same. All right, let's get Tom Phillips on the line.

Tom Phillips, joining us in Germany at GamesCon, right? Tom, are you with us? Hey, guys, yes. I'm calling it from Germany. Does it sound okay? Does surprisingly. Not bad. Considering there's like a 10-minute latency loop going on here, right?

In Germany, yeah, it's not bad. No, well, I'm just so glad that you guys can hear me. And more importantly, that your listeners, can hear me. Yeah, it's uh, hey, you know, it's Tom Phillips, junior editor at video game obliterator.biz, and you know, I just can't wait to bring you the latest video game scoops on gamescom's hottest indie titles. Right, great. Yeah,

your website, game obliterated.combe, everybody loved it last time, Tom. I really appreciate it. And everybody knows, you know, people who are hardcore gamers know that we send our correspondents out to Gamescom. We got to cover this thing. So, yeah, if you can tell us anything going on, what are the hot games? What's going on at Gamescom? Well, absolutely. And just to, you know, just to level set a little bit for your listeners,

Gamescom is the biggest video game event in the world. You know, it makes E3 look like a strawberry festival or something. It just makes E3 look like total, look, total crap. You know what I mean? Yeah, two things I don't give a shit about. Strawberry festivals and a strawberry festival. Strawberries are delicious. Get out of here. All right, sorry, Tom, you were saying.

No, look, I like a strawberry festival as much as the next guy, but I mean, you know, it's just, oh, it's nothing like Gamescom. Well, hey, I want to tell you about some of the great games I saw at Gamescom. Nineties real-time strategy fans had plenty to celebrate with the launch of Command and Conquer and Apologize. Oh, that sounds like a real tedious game. What is it about? I mean, actually, I don't know. I find it fun. I mean, you know, in this game, you know, you take control the forces of GDI or not.

You know, but you don't take control in like a mean way. You know, it's like you're their boss, but, you know, you're also their friend, right? You know, you get to issue all sorts of tactical commands. You get to issue like, there's a button you press where it's build a barracks, you know, if that's cool with you. Right. Or attack the enemy, but feel free to do it, you know, your way. I mean, I wouldn't want to step for your creativity. you. Oh my gosh.

And that laugh actually is in the button console command. What else you got? Or there's another button. It's harvest resources, unless you don't want to. You know, I can harvest these resources. Why don't you guys knock off early? You know, I'll take care of this. And if you guys are going out for drinks later, you know, email or text me or g-chat me. And, you know, while they never end up emailing or texting you, you know, if you win the game, you get an awesome cutscene of you drinking alone in your studio apartment.

Command, Conquer, and apologize. It sounds like it's sponsored by Huffpo. I'm not sure who, you know who the developer is for that game, Tom? I believe it's EA Huffpo Gawker. I think it's like, you know, one of those little specialty studios. Yeah, the big end of the shaming market. Sounds cool. They should get in in our shame pool.

Maybe that should be a game. Yeah, maybe they will. Maybe we can set up some sort of sponsor. While I'm here, you know, I'll see if I can set up a sponsorship. You got any other games, Tom? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, Dark Souls 2, everybody loves Dark Souls. It's getting a surprise re-release as Dark Souls 2 Ultimate Challenge Edition.

Now, if you guys thought this game was hard before, you ain't seen nothing yet. Dark Souls 2 is now so hard that the day. disc itself is made of razor sharp nine. It makes it, it's hard to even put in your Xbox. It's so hard that every time you level up, you have to write a thousand-word essay about how hard the game is. I mean, it's really hard, it's hard and therefore great. I mean, it's a hard and therefore great game.

You know, it's so hard that the game puts the faces of the player's family on every enemy. So progressing in the game means killing your parents over and over again. That's hard. Tom, that sounds like it would make the game easier for me. But also, you know, I don't understand what's the difference between Dark Souls 2 and Dark Souls 2 Ultimate Edition because it seems like every time a Dark Souls 2 player levels up, he does write an essay about how hard it was. Well, you know, they've gamified that aspect of it, so every time you tweet about like, oh, it's so hard. hard or, you know, your post, but oh, it's so hard.

You know, you'll get a potion or a new cutlass. So it's, you know, it's up, in fact, the game is so hard that Sophie from Sophie's choice called and was like, boy, I thought I had it hard, but I didn't have it hard because this game is so hard. It's harder than the decision Sophie had to make. Yeah, and therefore good. I mean, that's why people like this game, right? because it's a hard game is a good game, right?

I mean, have you guys heard how hard this game is? Yeah, we've heard it's really hard. Almost as hard as my diamond dip. What else you got? Sean's shaking his head. Sorry, Tom. Yeah, sorry to go blue. I know your website's family-friendly.

Let's go on, yeah. No, no, no, no. Of course, well, hey, thank you for a buy-except your apology. A gamescom star citizen panel had all of Germany buzzing, as developer Chris Roberts unveiled a long-awaited module for Star Citizen that allows users to donate money four times as fast. Fans can finally say goodbye to long PayPal load times, okay? This latest update includes a hardware add-on

that literally grabs gamers by the legs, shapes them upside down until their wallets fall out, and runs the credit cards for them. Tom, that sounds like it would save gamers so much time of spending their hard-earned money on a game that may or may not ever come out. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the thing about gamers, is that their time is really valuable.

You know, they're always out there exercising, they're doing charity work, they're being social, they love socializing. So this is really going to help these busy gamers spend more money on a game that doesn't exist yet. Yeah. They never exist. Yeah, gamers have an infinite supply of money miraculously to spend on things that don't exist. Yeah, I agree. That's super fascinating.

I like how they're... So they're also gamifying the donation aspect, it sounds like. Oh, absolutely. In fact, when you donate, you get a drawing of all the fun and excitement you'll never have in this game. Tom, I can't wait. I'm super excited about this one. Oh, yeah. And, you know, just a little spoiler alert for next year's games, comma.

Next year they're hoping to finish a module that helps gamers generate excuses about why they donated money to star, So, you know, it'll give you excuses like Wing Commander is pretty great, or in 2015, gamers have the power, dot, dot, dot to fund complete disasters, or I was drunk. So, you know, just look at 2016. It's going to be a hot year for Star Citizen. Can't wait. And I assume that'll be on Steam. Oh, yeah, it'll be on Steam. It'll be on EA Origin, you know, or you can just go to, you can just, you know, go directly to Chris Roberts' mansion and just, you know, slip money under his door.

And then he'll slip a napkin with the word star citizen on it back through the slit. Well, that's a new level of interactivity I haven't seen in these types of crowdsourced games. Well, it's 2015. Interactivity is everything. Wow, thanks, Tom. Do you have anything else? Any other hot contenders? Yeah, yes, yes, absolutely. from the makers of F0, there's a brand new game coming out called F. Euro. It's the distant future, and the world's best sliced meat pita salesman race their Euro carts around 14 all-new tracks. You know, in this game, you can choose amongst six different hairy sexually depraved racers,

including Spiros Ethnicos, Sheepos Destroyeros, Manos, Boyos Loveros, and actually fan favorite Captain Vigavakinos Falconominomikos It sounds like it was Greek developed I'm sorry there's more name here Ithacanos Eithacacanos

That's a good one Yeah You know what that sounds like There's a little more name Sokinocianos That's the whole name, sorry Thank God We got all the names of the characters

and what was it called F-Yero? What's the... F-Yero? F-year-o, yeah, the Euro-based racing game. I, you know... It sounds like a delicious game. It sounds like it's going to make me really hungry playing. It sounds, but it also sounds like it was Greek developed,

and that reminds me, I got to call it. Tom, I know you got to go, you're in a big hurry, but we got a song here. One of our favorite Greeks calls into the show. He just called in earlier in the episode, actually. I want to play the song. Yeah, would you like to hear it? it is. This is by

listener thermoptics sent this in. Here we go. I got to say, whoever this boisterous coconuts guy is, you know, he just sounds great, he sounds like a great guy. I mean, he sounds like the kind of guy, you'd want to follow on Twitter at Adesterios. Oh, great. All right.

All right, Tom Phillips, thank you. Thank you for calling in. Sorry to take up so much of your time. I know it's super busy at Gamescom. I know you got a lot. I heard there's a new fallout game And it's like emotional fallout from a family breaking up and a divorce, yeah. Is that you reporting? No, that's what I heard.

I read the trade. Well, he read it on my website, yeah. Yeah, I follow Tom Phillips. Tom Phillips. No, I'm sorry, gameobliterator.comas. We'll link to it again. Thank you, Tom. Hey, hey, thank you guys so much.

You guys take care, okay? What are you still doing there anyway? It was like two weeks ago. Oh, yeah. I'm going to level with you guys. Gamescom did end two weeks ago. I'm calling this report in from a German prison. It's too bad.

Without getting too far into it, I meant this, like, super cool gamer girl. Like, she was such like a gamer nerd, and she was real, real cool, but she turned out to be an undercover cop. And when I tried to pay her in Bitcoin for helping me level up, Well, long story short, if you guys can, you know, maybe send me a little bit of cash. Tom, you got to get.

We're breaking up. We're breaking up. Thanks a lot. Help guys. Help me. Hey, yeah. All right. Tom Phillips.

I can't believe he used his one phone call to call us, to call him to the podcast. Oh, my God. All right. Well, today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit Audiblepodcast.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. Audible has over 150,000 titles to choose from every genre. has it covered. Get a free audiobook download when you sign up today.

Listen whenever and wherever you want, just like this podcast you're listening to right now. Are you on Audible anywhere at all? Am I on Audible? Yeah, are any of your... I should be. I think Alphabet of Manliness might be, and my new book will be, for sure. Your new book will be on Audible.

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there's no way you can figure out something as easy as audible. You don't want to be fiddling with it when your book launches, drops, right? Excuse me? Drops. Launches. Launches. Up into the atmosphere, buddy. Stratosphere.

Past, beyond. Do they have cookbooks on Audible? I don't know. Why don't you look it up? Yeah, you know what? You got a computer in front of you. Each chapter, I bet his chapter would take about a minute because cooking is so easy. A bunch of bozos.

Julia Child, you know, she's dead. But if she weren't, I would love to hear her voice narrating an audiobook, a cookbook. Sure. Audible has over 1,000 science and technology books and over 1,100 science fiction and fantasy titles. We've found some good ones in the past. Milk did her uncle's farm? You remember that one? Yeah, man.

How smart is God? Economic Theory, Master the basics to sound like a big shot instead of a retarded asshole. Did you know, you might want to check that one out? That sounds made up, Dick. It was real up until the big shot. For the slimitude. That's what that was. Yeah. Go to... Oh, man. The U.R. wrong guy?

Yeah. I legitimately missed his name being you are wrong. Yeah. Did you? It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. No, you picked it up because somebody pointed it out in the comments. No, I mentioned during that episode. I said his name spells...

What was it? It sounded like it, yeah. But I didn't get the full you are wrong. No, yeah, me either. Visit audiblepod.com slash biggest for your free audiobook download. And guys, thank you. for supporting the show. Thank you for supporting it with the bonus episodes and with Audible.

It really helps us out. Check out an audiobook, guys. It's actually really good listening. There's some really good... The audiobooks on there are narrated so well. Let's be honest. Reading is for losers. Get out of here. Listen to a book. There's no point in reading. Wrong. Dick, Ed. You don't have to work when you're

listening to a book. It gets read to you. It's perfect. It's awesome. Dick, what's your problem? My problem. Let me just tell you first. I feel like it. I feel like zombie right now. You know what I'm saying? I feel dead.

I feel like a walking dead person. Why? Like I've got no energy. I feel like my eyeballs are about to burst out of my head. Okay. Right? Because I'm recovering from a waking nightmare of watching over

a toddler for a weekend, for one weekend. Okay. Do you know what is a toddler? I think I know what is a toddler. Toddlers are my problem. Toddlers. Toddlers. Yeah.

I know what is a toddler because I brought it in as a problem. Babies. No, babies are before one year old, dip shit. I don't know. They sound the same to me. If someone said, hey, I got a toddler. I'm like, oh, that's a baby. These are babies with really strong opinions who are mobile.

What? Do you know what? These words that we have are important for a reason. We have these words to describe the world. Like, if you call a restaurant and ask for a reservation, for you and four babies, and then you show up with four grown adults, they're going to say,

what the hell were you talking about? These are not babies. Yeah, these are clearly not babies. This is a very precise thing you're talking about, man. This is something that only parents know about, this distinction. Babies and toddlers, I don't fucking know.

I didn't even learn the difference between a tampon and a pad until, like, a month ago, when someone told me during a live stream. You don't know any women? Yeah, I know women. I know women, dickhead. I don't get into their show.

shit, I'm not like checking out their panties for period stains. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know what they're clogging up there. I don't know. I don't know what they use. But they're different words. Like you never thought, huh, why are they using a different word for that? Do you think they just cram toilet paper up their gooch and they call it what, call it

macaroni? What do you think it's for? I don't know. What's the difference, man? Look, we have different words for like this thing that Sean halls in here all the time. Sound rig. A rig. A rig, a rack, a box.

Like, it's a number of things that we call it. It's the same thing. Like, what's the difference between a compact and, you know, whatever other makeup bullshit that chicks... Oh, a makeup thing? Yeah. I don't know. Because I'm not a woman. I don't...

That's not my expertise. So you think women are like Eskimos with 100 words for snow? They've got multiple words for the same menstruation protection. Yeah. Call it a tampon. Call it a pad. You didn't see it on commercials all the time? Like, you didn't see the pad that they're dumping blue water on.

that's not a period? I don't know how that works. I don't know what they do with it. I didn't even, I thought. They don't do anything with it. I didn't even know until recently the women could pee wearing those. I read, somebody commented on it,

that you said in the Twitch stream, can they pee with them in or not? Yeah. And then I should bring it up on the show. You know, I want to give you like a basic biology quiz. Like something that a Christian camp counselor gives seventh graders. Like, does this?

Does this happen? Can you pee with a tampon in? Like a basic sexual health class. You know? But dumb it down. Fuck you. Fuck you. I hate everything that's happened.

Go back to the start show. Start this fucking show over. Sean, start recording right now. Welcome to the biggest problem. You have to know this stuff. You have to know what is a tampon and a pad. You're a 30-something. What are you?

A 37-year-old man. You have to know this shit. Why do I have to know it? I've never bought one. I don't need to you. Look, if a woman sends me to the store, get me some tampons, I'll buy whatever. Anything, anything in that aisle.

You punch it right in the face. I'll go to that aisle, man, baby, I'm by the first thing I see beads. Like you're a supermarket sweep running down the aisle, knocking tampons and baths in and you stop when you hit the depends. Yeah, I'll put one of these got to go up there. Up there. One of these got to work. Got to get it up there. Come on, come on. Look, toddler and baby is such a specific distinction that only parents and

fucking adopters would know. It's specific, correct, but it's one year. Is that it? A baby. A baby is. is an infant. Is that the distinction? This is, I feel like I'm talking to George Costanza's parents. Who's having sex? A chicken and a hen are having the same thing. Who's having sex with the hen? A baby is an infant. Same thing.

First year of their life. You're bringing a toddler, I'm going to expect a baby. You bring a baby, I'm expecting a toddler. The baby's babble, man. What's this important distinction between a baby and a toddler that makes babies not a problem, but toddler's a problem? A baby is just a shit in a noise machine. a baby is nothing.

That sounds horrible. Compared to the living hell. Oh, yes, it is horrible. It is horrible. It's horrible to deal with. Don't ever have one. But a toddler is orders of magnitude times worse, thousands of times worse than a baby.

A toddler is like a little terrorist that you have in your house that cannot be told what to do, that cannot be bargained with, that cannot be reasoned with. And it's like dealing with a, schizophrenic. They say dealing with babies is like a drunk,

having a drunk at home that you have to take care of? It's not. I've taken care of a lot of drunks and none of them are as violent and crazy and as destructive, wickedly destructive as a toddler. You've been taking care of one of your whole life. Yourself? Well, myself? Yeah.

I'm a piece of cake. I don't even know when I'm taking care of myself. I'm so good at... Piece of pie. So my sister has a... She's got a two, two-month and, what is he, two years, eight months, ish, around there. And she just had another kid, he's about two months old. So she's by herself. She asked me to come up and help with, very innocuously,

can you come up and help out a little bit this weekend? Yeah. Right. Help out with, you know, like around bedtime. Right. When the kids are getting in the bath. You watch one and I'll watch the other. So I get in charge of watching the toddler.

Right. Right? Because what am I? I can't feed a baby, right? I don't know anymore, man. You're the expert. You're the mommy Masterson over here. I don't know anything about kids.

I'm just a dumb idiot. A dumb, stupid, balding idiot. I don't know shit about kids. I don't know shit about tampons. Just a big fucking moron. I don't know. I'm idling through life. I don't know shit.

I'm just a big dummy. I'm going to throw myself off a bridge. Toddler and baby. Why are you so pissed off? I know what is a baby. Amen. Don't be so hard on yourself. Get out of you.

Six man, Steve. More condescension. So the reason I can't feed the baby is because I'm not lactating. Just so you know, that's why I said. His tits aren't filled with sand. Fuck you! I hate this bullshit. No, I didn't even mean that.

Look, look, the birth control talk that teens are getting in school is all wrong. We're not helping these kids by telling them they need to watch out for AIDS and herpes and whatever. that is nothing. That is nothing compared to the nightmare of dealing with these little fucking toddlers. With nothing but hate in their eyes. They're all about the lulls. You want to talk about lulls?

Anonymous has nothing. What are you talking about? A lulls. L-U-L-Z. The idea that you do something just to cause mayhem and havoc. Right? That's all they do.

They have not learned the difference between good and evil yet. All they know is react. So they, and they love it. And it's putting my lull's principles to the test because, like, this little bastard kicked me in the face so hard that I couldn't see. That's funny. Right?

And I'm reeling from it, and he's laughing and grinning. I'm like, well, you know, you're right to be laughing because this is very funny, but there's nothing you can, there's nothing you can do to stop it. Yeah, you stop it the same way you stop terrorists. You just round them up, throw him in Guantanamo in a dark cell, and there you go, there you go, idiot. I'll see you when you're 18. Sounds good. Problem solved.

If you need any tampons or milk, call someone else. Yeah, fuck yourself. Yeah, not me. Look, man, you deal with it. If they're acting like terrorists, you deal with it like terrorists, right? Give them whatever they want? No, you don't bargain. You don't negotiate. You don't give them anything they want.

You cut off their supply of whatever it is they need. In this case, food. Send them to Ben hungry a few times. They'll shape up. Oh, you see, they can always out double you. How's that? They can always double down harder than you. I see my indifference to their pain and suffering, buddy, you have no idea.

It's not their pain and suffering. It's your sleep. They will start fucking with your sleep. I can't hear them. They are human Guantanamo Bays. You'll try to get a second of sleep. And here they come. Bap-da-da-da-da-da-da-pap.

Making noise, wanting to use your iPad, doing anything they can do to wake your ass up. Or literally the worst thing, which is just scream. Yeah. Like little toddler girls and boys have this voice. that is unmatchable and they will just scream for like 45 minutes until they get what they want

they are you remember the scene is zero dark 30 you're like shake them won't stop it won't stop it what do you guys pussies I can scream louder you think kids start screaming I start screaming Maddox maybe maybe for five minutes

but they can scream all day they can scream until that's all you hear is I've been screaming this entire episode I am better than your kids I can do everything better than a kid including shit myself and scream I can out

and out scream. I can out annoy. I can kick you in the head, buddy. You can't see temporarily. How about not seeing permanently? Whoa. You think that. You don't assault your friends. Yeah, right? Listen to me. You have never felt fear in your life. Yeah, that's true. And end it there. When you hear, you have never felt this kind of fear. When you hear, hey, uncle, where should I put this? And you turn around and you see a toddler with your laptop clutched in the tips of his fingertips spinning around in circles in the garum. because he's helping. At this moment, there's nothing you can do.

You can't fluster him. You've got to be like, you've got to be like Indiana Jones, right? Or you've got to be like a hostage negotiator, talking someone off of a building. You freak them out a little bit. They'll just throw the laptop because it's funny. Or because they're worried. Because they have no idea what they're doing.

This is the constant state, the constant terror of your life when dealing with the toddler. I agree. Vote of babies. Vot of babies. Babies turn into toddlers. Here's why toddlers is a lesser of a, a problem than babies, right? Because there's no such thing as sudden toddler death syndrome, right? You don't have to constantly worry about them just fucking dying for no reason.

You don't have to worry about a soft spot on their head that you might drop a screwdriver in. You are as wrong as you can put. They try. Babies, you might accidentally kill. Toddlers are trying to kill themselves at all times. Good. They are diving headlong into, if they see a brick, their first thought is, I wonder how, I wonder how fast I could bash my head into that brick. That is nature taking care of itself. Nature's like, you know what, we want the tough ones to survive, right? That's survival of the fittest in play. You're seeing that happen, that's social Darwinism. You're seeing the dumb kids who's going to, you know, dive headfirst into a brick wall. Hey, you know what? Bad egg. Start over. When I was a toddler, I drank a

quart of pine salt because I thought it was apple juice. And look at you now. This is normal. That is regular behavior. Everyone saw that coming. Normal behavior. That is nature telling you you shouldn't exist. And then some interventionist parents. I'm so hot. See, I really like this terrorist analogy, right?

Because America has an interventionist policy which is hurting us, which is bad, and we're enabling these terrorists, and we're creating new terrorists. Parents are doing the same thing by having an interventionist policy in their children's lives. By stopping them from hurting themselves. You're letting the bad eggs slip through, the unproductive ones. I want to bring this guy in to your living room and just give him 90 seconds alone with your computer. To see how your policy of non-intervention changes in about the blink of an eye.

No, no, no. I'm just talking about intervention when it comes to them hurting themselves. I'm all about them hurting themselves. This is this. Okay. You know what he'd do? He'd probably download files from Dropbox in fewer steps. Probably too.

I'm fucking tired of this shit. Fuck Dropbox. Fuck you, Sean. Fuck you Dick Masterson. Fuck you Dick's man, Steve. Fuck everyone in this room, except for me. I'm the best. Do you use Dropbox, my man?

You hook me up with it, but I live in the woods. I don't go out of internet time. Surprise, surprise. Yeah. All right. Number of Americans killed so far this year by terrorists. Three. Yeah.

Number of Americans, on American soil. Excuse me. On American soil. That was the Boston bomber, right? Right? Yeah, you remember him? Three people killed. That was this year? I'm sorry, last year. Last year. Whenever. No, like two years ago.

Who fucking cares? A number of Americans killed on American soil that year by toddlers? Five. How? Guns. Yeah, I found this on like an article about, I think it was supposed to be about gun safety, but I thought that was pretty funny. Toddlers have killed more people in America than terrorism. Huh. Toddlers are a problem, man. And babies, babies who turn into toddlers. Yeah. Go to the roof.

And you're in a constant, you are constantly walking the edge of psychopathy when you're dealing with them. You know the abyss you spoke of last episode? You are constantly staring into the abyss because when they have your shit, when they're fucking with it, you have to totally blank out

all of your emotions and feelings to deal with them. Like in the computer example, you have to be the Zen master who is not terrified of your $3,000 computer getting destroyed, who is just approaching this situation, like a car teetering on the edge of a cliff, right? You have to be very, very careful. And then when you get kicked in the face

and they laugh at it, you're like, that really hurt. Can you not kick me in the face again? They're still laughing. That's because you don't discipline them. Oh, how? How? Please tell us how. You smack them. You smack them. You smack them upside.

Here's the thing, Dick. You smack a three-year-old child. Of course. I was smacked all the time. You're going straight to jail. Please, they don't know phone numbers. They don't know phone numbers. They don't know how to sell. don't have cell phone. You know, they don't have

lay in lines, they don't have access anything. Shut up, go to your room. Shut up, go to your room. That's what you tell them every single time. You don't smack them hard enough to bruise them. Well, you put them there. You pick them up and you put them there because it's a fucking child and you pick it up and you do what you tell them in the room? Yes. And then you tell them to fuck off until they start behaving.

Look, man, I was a real disciplined child. I would sit, I would go to places with my parents, I'd sit down, I wouldn't run around screaming my head off. I wouldn't pick up shit. I wouldn't pick up, I wouldn't push there. You know, occasionally. I remember. Because I have a good memory. I remember.

Plus, my mom told me. My mom told me. Plus, my mom's friends growing up said I was always a really well-disciplined child. I was really well-behaved, well-disciplined. Except occasionally I would go to parties and stuff, and I would look up my mom's friend's skirts. But other than that, listen. Sexual predator. No, no.

Three-year-old? No. Please. Go ahead. Anyway, I would go to these parties. And occasionally, I would push the envelope, and I knew what I was doing. I was fucking with my parents. I was trying to see how far I could push the envelope.

And then I'd get smacked. And then, you know, I knew not to do that anymore because I didn't want to get smacked. But I knew the difference between abuse and a little bit of a smacking around. You know, you smack a child upside the head. That's different than leaving bruises on them and, you know, breaking bones or lashing them. Or, you know, there's a difference between smacking a kid and beating a kid. There's a huge difference. There's a chasm of difference.

And that's why I think this generation of kids that are coming up, Everyone's too fucking afraid because they're going to call social services and chill. Fine, whatever. You want to call social services? Pack your bags? Fuckhead. You're gone. Get out.

Do you think you're going to have a better life with these guys? You haven't seen abuse, fuckhead. You're having fun running around with my laptop in the garage. How about go living in an orphanage? There. They don't understand that shit. And I seriously doubt you remember shit from when you were three years old. Of course I do.

My earliest memory? My earliest memory, my mom confirmed this. It was so weird. She said she had no idea I could remember anything from that old. But when I was one, when I was one. When I was one years old, that's my earliest memory, and it was correct. What was it of? It was actually, I was in Syria in my aunt's apartment.

This is a, this kind of a... Is this a spry thriller plotline? What's that? No, no, no. This is like a spy thriller? No, I was in Syria. No, I was in Syrian. My mom was born in Syria.

So I was in Syria in my aunt's apartment, and I remember the, they had just done laundry, and they just hung laundry up on the balcony. We were sitting outside on the balcony. My mom was eating some food. And I remember the neighbor of... had just cleaned their balcony with a hose, and they squeegeed all the dirty water off, and it landed on the laundry down below on the balcony that we were sitting on. And I remember my aunt and my mom screaming upstairs at the neighbors, telling them,

what the fuck are you doing? We just cleaned our laundry. You just squeegeed dirty water onto our laundry. That was a very specific memory. Your memory from a Middle Eastern family is your mom and aunt screaming at someone? If I had to bed, I would say it's pretty safe that that would be a true story. whether or not you really remember it or not. Yeah, that specific story happened.

I remember what the laundry looked like. I remember what there was a flower. There was a flower arrangement on the table. I remember that memory very distinctly. All right, well, that's my problem. Do you want to do another one? I'll bring it in next time. Okay.

All right, that's it. We're running out of time, guys. My problem this week was people who can't cook. And mine was toddlers. Vote up babies. It's worse than babies. You want to play your song? Yeah, I got a song.

This is sent in by Thermoptic. It's about our old pal boisterous Who called it at the top of the show Not the Middle Here we go This is a song about boisterous by Thermoptic Coconututs Coconututoconot

Coconut Coconut Coconut Coconut Coconut coconuts Coconut coconuts So warm the way you says Coconut

Coconut coconuts Coconut Coconut coconuts Coconut coconuts Coconut Coconut Coconut Coconut So what the fuck is name list

Whoard of the fuck his name was Whogeistur's coconut Isher's name was Sorry didn't you catch that Oh bistococonaut What are the fuck is name with? Sorry, did you catch that? Old Easter's coconut.

Sort of the fuck his name was. Sorry, did you catch that? Oh, Easter's coconut? Sort of the fuck's name with? Sorry, did you catch that? It's cool, son. This is the EDMX, yeah. Boisers, coconuts.

Get me ready for birthday, man. Me too, man. Ready. Voister's coconut. What are the fucking is name was? It's a break dancing. It's, poistrous. Coconut.

Coconut. Coconut. Poistrocy. Coconut. Coconut. Poistrocy. Coconut. Coconut.

Poister. Boister. Poistress. Coconut. Poisonettes. Boisterous. Coconut. Boister. Coconut.

Poisonousstress. It's a jungle-based mix. Boisterous. Oh, that's a good song. Yeah, thermoptic. Real catchy beat. It's cool, man. Yeah.

It's my new ringtone. Oh, wait. I got something I forgot to play you. I think this will change your mind about toddlers. Yeah. I asked my nephew if he could talk because I told him that you were on the podcast. Shit. Good.

Toddler's being able to talk. This is what he said. Max, you don't know how to talk. I didn't understand a single fucking word. Not a single word in that babble. Didn't he say Maddox? You don't know how to talk? Yeah, that's exactly what he said.

Oh, is that what he said? Okay. Sorry, guys. I don't speak mush mouth. I followed it up with this. Max, you're the biggest problem in the universe. You hear that one? Sounded like a compliment.

Was it? I can't tell. I can't. Again, it sounded just like. like one continuous tone. Really? Yeah. Here, let me...

Let's speak to it again. What's the biggest problem in the universe? Pretty clear. Just vowels and consonants, and I heard the word max in there. I didn't hear distinct D's. Oh. I'm all about the D's, buddy. Oh, my God.

Here comes so much great material. I know.