The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 70

Episode Date: June 1, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from polyevangelists to polynomials. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where we discuss every problem in the universe like Maddox with me is Dick. Hey, what's that funny? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, episode 70. All right. Yeah, we did a spicy one last episode.

People liked our 69th episode, the erotic one. They did. Yeah, it was a real, real sexy episode. It moved. It moved for me. When I was listening back to that episode, it moved. You got a little chubster? A little...

What got you going more? Was it the erotic story from a real man? Or was it my erotic burning man adventure? Oh my gosh, definitely not that. Involving the tip. And just the tip. Oh, boy. All right.

What are their results? No, neither of those. Dick. The results from last week were... Poly evangelists. Number one. The number one problem from last episode was Poly Evangelists followed by No Quality Singles

I thought about that The phrasing of that after The show and then the female orgasm It was last? Dead last, not only that But it was downvoted dick Not a problem Polyevangelists

Polyevangelists It was the number one problem That's a surprise right? Yeah You remember that problem? People who like promote their Polyamorous lifestyle Sean

Yes Yeah now you remember Apparently it's a big problem though Yeah I got some comments regarding... I think I had a stroke right there. Yeah.

I'm disappointed that the female orgasm got so low because it's so hard to conjure up. Well, for some people, Dick, not for others. Okay, I know it's fun to pretend to be like a macho lethario. But like speaking... First of all, I call bullshit on that. You've never been sitting in bed with some broad with goo all over your stomach.

You're like, oh, baby, sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you this time. I am legitimately sorry. Yeah, I told you that's happened two times to me, Dick. Just two times. That's it, two times. Two times? Yeah.

Other than those two times, they've been popping off like fireworks, buddy. Like a string of fireworks, rapid fire, multiple. Well, I should send all my sloppy seconds over here so they get some satisfaction. Oh, my gosh. Actually, there've only been two women who could outlast me, which, like, you know, it was to the point. It was to the point. So that's a competition then for you. Yeah.

Sex. Oh, yeah. Holding off the big O is a contest. Oh, it's great. You know, I'd like to tell you this story one time. So a real, real sexy night, real sexy moment. It was a girl I'd been dating for a while. And, you know, we're getting to that point.

It's coming, right? You mean the orgasm and sex is coming? The orgasms. The orgasms coming. We're stuck in a sand trap. We're going to have to navigate this sand trap. I feel like, I'm in the garden center at Home Depot and all the bags during flood season.

All the bags of sand are falling all over me. No. There's a lot of sand in this story, buddy, but it's tremors. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, I'm the tremor. Yeah. So anyway, I pull out just in the nick of time, as I always do. Best time to do it.

Yeah, the nick of time is the best. And it all goes and lands directly and exactly into her belly button. Okay. And then I look at her and she looked at her. at me and she throws her hands up and we both go, go! Go! This is a real thing that happened? It's a real thing that happened, yeah.

You both thought, you both thought simultaneously goal, like that fat Mexican soccer announced. It was so fucking funny, dude. Were you dating a place kicker? Yeah. All right. That's bizarre. This comment comes from Connor Davis.

To all the dipshits out there, they're voting down female orgasms is a problem. I know that it wasn't framed this way by Dick. However, if this is such a non-problem, then why do people complain about it all the time? Why is there such a huge glut of stories in all mediums involving the delicate dance involved in making a girl come? Men, not being able to make women come is a staple to female comedians all the way talking about how taking a great dump is a staple to male comedians. It's beyond being a trope, and that should indicate that this is a real problem, even if it needs to be rephrased. I think that's... I agree with this guy. I guess I got an uproved from him, but that's it.

Yeah, and nobody ever fakes taking a... dump. That's true, Sean. That's true. Actually, just a few times just to get out of a conversation or if I just wanted to check my Facebook. I've done that a few times. Actually, that's the polite way to do it now. I've learned the new era of etiquette. So if you're at a dinner restaurant, you know, if you're at a restaurant with dinner, with friends, the polite thing to do is excuse yourself, say I need to use the restroom. Check your phone there. Don't do it at the table. That's what I've been doing a lot. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, it's a good idea. And then you don't look like a jerk and also people feel a little bit of sympathy for you. They think, oh, he's got urinary tract infection or something. something. It's getting up to go to the bathroom a lot. That's true. A little bit Munchausens, little bit manners. Yeah. I like it.

But the whole trope of women not being able to come, et cetera, et cetera. It's a stereotype. It's also like men always want sex. And that's the other stereotype. It doesn't really exist. It's not a real thing. It's a caricature of genders. It's a real thing.

I brought in that study from Cosmo, the survey of women. Cosmo. Hey, hey, you know, who knows women more than, more than Cosmo. I actually wrote for Cosmo. I retract everything I said. Go ahead. What were you going to say? No, no, I, I just think it's a caricature of genders.

I don't think that it's, I think it's a stereotype more than anything. I've never... Well, I can tell you from personal experience that they're not coming. Well, yeah, but the variable, the variable here is you, Dick. Oh, that's what Dr. Phil said. All right. I got a comment from Matthew Ward. He says, you guys make fun of Angela's

mom's shitty talking ability, but I just Googled Malacca, and according to Urban Dictionary, it's one of the funniest the insults I've ever heard. So I looked it up to be precise. And according to Urban Dictionary, and Malacca is, a Greek term for someone who has jerked off so many times that his brain has become soft and he is now an idiot.

Oh man. That's how I feel every other day. Every day that I'm not hung over, that's how I feel. Like with a soft brain idiot? Yeah. Yeah. Just squirted it all out. This one's from Benjamin Sloan. And I think he's got a good point here. Mattis, I think most of the words you brought up actually do have a purpose.

As they describe different ways of doing something, I'd like to compare this to the variety of words used in various sub-genres of metal to describe different things, which I know you're a fan of. To someone who doesn't listen to metal, the distinction between death metal, power metal, black metal, and folk metal is basically

meaningless. You forgot speed metal. And they wouldn't understand why one fan feels comfortable around folk metal and power metal, but does not even want to be associated with NSBM or death metal, but to a fan of folk and power. metal. The former case is fun and rambunctious. And the latter is just

generally hateful. How does he know this if he doesn't listen to metal? This guy. I'm calling bullshit. This guy, fraud. What do you mean? He didn't even mention math metal. No, that's a good point, Sean. There's a lot. He's just saying that they're just terms. No. They're terms to describe a hobby. I mean, yeah, but

look, they have unnecessary terms. Like in metal, generally, if you say you listen to metal, people get the idea, right? But But in the poly evangelist realm, in the, you know, they have terms for things that you don't need, like a dyad. We don't need that. That's just a normal relationship. That's what they're... And it's called normal because most people do it.

But it's shorter than saying we're a normal relationship, but we're looking to expand. We're looking to franchise out. That's what they're saying. But you don't need to do that because unless you mention specifically that you're into polysex or into the polynomial lifestyle. Polynomial lifestyle. That's what I'm going to start calling them. Not polysex. Yeah, not poly, what do they call?

Polyamorous, the Polyamorous lifestyle. If you're into that lifestyle, we know, we'll hear about it within a few minutes. But if you're not, it's safe to assume that you're not. Most people aren't. And by the way, by the way, I should also mention that last episode, Aaron and I were, we met at that Tinder show that we talked about. Some kind of weird polyamory event. It wasn't a polyamory event.

It was just a show. But the guy who was hosting it was the polyvangelist. And he commented on the post for the last episode. And he was like, hey, guys, I'm the polyvangelist they're all talking about. And he linked to the website, which I thought was hilarious. So if you guys are interested, if you guys are interested in the poly lifestyle, check it out, read the glossary. Maybe you guys will get off on it. I don't know.

And I don't have a problem with it. It's just all the terms, too much. Okay. I got one from Michael Stevens. Hey, Dick, I agree with you. This looks like 10,000 percent that polyamory is bullshit. A few years ago, I was in the third year of a relationship when my girlfriend decided to have a talk and tell me that she had been reading a lot about polyamory and felt like she might be polyamorous.

Oh, boy. So basically, she had read online that a lot of people out there have accepted that they are fucking cheaters and found a way to con their boyfriend or girlfriend into letting them do it. Isn't that what I was saying? No, yeah, that's what you were saying. Introducing it into a relationship is a fucking con. No, it's not. It's honest.

But Aaron was agreeing with me, too, that you can't introduce it. into a relationship. She said that. She said that during the episode. Yeah, it's not, I agree with that. It's, that's not, that's not how to successfully engage that. Like, if you start out in a relationship and you have those pretences built in where, hey, hey, lady or hey guy, this is who I'm at, this is who I am, this is what I'm all about, then that expectation is there.

But if you try to do that bait and switch near the end of a relationship, actually, like I did, like near the end of one of my relationships, it doesn't work. I'm sorry. You tried to do that? Yeah, we talked about it. I talked about having an open relationship one time with the girl I was dating for a long time, and it just didn't work.

We just thought at the end of the day, what are we hanging on to? We both like each other as friends. Let's just call it a clean cut here, a clean quit, and then let's go our separate ways, and that's what happened. Okay, so you agree with that too then. You can't introduce it.

It's hard to introduce, but it's not cheating. It's hard. It's different. Well, no, because I know couples where they have introduced it and they became swingers, and they became these different types of... Yeah, but it's possible, And also it's way better than the alternative, which is cheating.

Cheating is chicken shit. Says you. Well, this guy says, and it's genius because if you're against it, then you're not understanding. And it's somehow you look like the asshole in the situation, exactly as you described. I told her I thought it was bullshit. She was mad, but agreed to just go on the way things were. Two months later, I found out she was cheating on them. Oh, wow.

Bummer. Yeah, that is a bummer. Watch out for it. Big fucking red flag, according to me. No, I think it's way better to have that conversation than to cheat. and betray someone's trust. I got some voicemails. You got any more comments? No, that's it.

I got some voicemails for you. Hey, guys. I've been listening to the show for a while, and I just caught up on some recent episodes, and I heard the episode with Robin Higgins and Aaron Tillman, and those are both some of the best ones you've ever done. So I want to make a plea for you guys to have more female guests on the show. I think it helps the show,

and I'm going to tell you why, using Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche. Oh, no. Clearly. Maddox, who thinks that he's super ego perspective of the debate. I don't know if this is a fucking... Not so much. I think you should have more. You've got to get the super ego perspective in there.

Is that true? Do you know anything about those things he was talking about? No, because I'm not an armchair psychologist. I, you know, I understand basically what he was saying. But, yeah, I agree. You understood the basics? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, I get it. You know, I had college psychology.

Okay. But, yeah, Robin and Aaron were both great guests. Leah was, I think, the other female guests that we had on the show. Yeah. We have a bunch more lined up, guys. You'll just have to stay tuned and listen. I do like it when girls are on the show. It feels different.

Yeah. Let's see here. You get a little distracted while you're hitting on them. Me? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I try not to. If you're using dental dam, just put a shotgun in your mouth

because your life is over and leaning. That's absolutely true. Aaron recommended a dental dam, right? What was that for again? To go down on someone? To go down on her for three hours to make her come. I think she was joking. She must have been joking.

Some people must use them. Oh, no one used a dental dam. Do you think a professional dating advice coach jokes about something that's that serious? I don't know. I'd have to check her credentials, but I don't think she should be joking about that. That sounds pretty ridiculous. A medical professional. I mean, I just pictured a vagina poking through a dental.

damn and I just, it looked, in my mind, it looks like Homer Simpson's mouth. That is what it looks like. Like, what are you doing at that point? I don't know, stop. Stop. You're not enjoying, you're not doing this right. Although, I guess if you're into the black latex fetish, which is also on the glossary, no joke, it's a black latex party, or it's called a black orgy. Sure. Where you're into black latex fetish, that's what you would do. You would wear the latex, and then you could either cut a hole down below and your genitals would poke out like Homer Simpson's lips. Hmm. Sounds pretty hot. All right, last one. I'm still laughing at that fucking story.

That guy wrote in about losing his virginity. It was fucking awful. I almost wonder if it's made up, but I don't know. I don't think it's made up. It's a story all right. Yeah, she should definitely fucking follow up. Try to find that guy, get a little more information. No.

I don't think you'll be hard to find. You don't want to see if he got seconds? James? Well, I don't think you can. you can ambush him because he needs some time to think of a new story. No, I think that was a real story. Oh, he was a real story. No, you don't think that really happened to him?

No, no. And here's how. There was no, like, he was, that was not a story of wild success. That was a very normal story. You know, it wasn't. A erotic adventure from a real man. Nope, and I'll tell you why. Because, and somebody in the comments pointed this out, but the detail that we all kind

of glossed over is 20 minutes of sensuous lovemaking later. 20 minutes and this guy's a virgin, fuck off. How long did you last on your first time? First time, I think around 10 minutes. I'll say that's not that far off, so he rounded up a little bit. Oh, he's more than double. Oh, he's more than double. And he round it up a little bit.

Oh, get out of here. 20 minutes and the E-Cup and the Chinese lady and everything. And someone in the comments also commented that they did a Google image search for E-Cup. And a few of the results were Asian. So he said it's plausible. Of course it's plausible. No, I don't think so. First of all, the guy's was racist.

Sounds like a real catch. Racist. Come on, racist. Someone in the comments. He's making racial, racially charged jokes. That's not racist. Well, okay, he's prejudiced. Oh, he's prejudiced, please.

He's making racially charged jokes. That's okay. We can do that. I got Persian racing rims. It's just a joke. Yeah. I don't know, man. How racist and prejudice?

But he didn't prejudge. She told him that her dad ate the damn dog. Yeah, that's not the racist part. He should have said, you racist. No. That's not the racist part. The racist part was when he said, that was the most Asian thing I've ever heard. Wow.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. That one. Anyway. I don't think that's racist, really. He's acknowledging a stereotype and entire race of people. He's like literally racist.

He's just saying it's not being racist to say that. I commented as a response to somebody. I said it's the difference between saying her black dad ate chicken and then saying her black dad ate chicken, comma, which is the most black thing I've ever heard. That's a huge chasm of difference. You see the... I mean, if that's the most black thing you've ever heard, then... Then you're an idiot.

Yeah, then you need to broaden your horizons a little bit. And you're racist. But that guy... That guy does sound like, at the very least, an idiot. Racist, maybe not. I don't know. We don't have enough evidence. So hypersensitive to racism.

It was definitely a stereotype. It's a prejudice stereotype, I think. Because there's lots of different cultures that eat cats and dogs. And by the way, that's not very common. Switzerland, for example. Switzerland eats... Cats and dogs? I am looking this up.

Yeah. Look that up. Go ahead, look it up. Look it up right now. There are multiple Asian cultures that do eat dog. Yeah, but it's not very common. It's usually in the countryside. Like in the countryside of China, sometimes it happens.

The country of China? No, the country sides of China. In like rural areas where they don't have a high-speed internet or even internet. That's like billions of people, though, right? No, it's not billions of people. Millions? No. What are we talking?

20? Worldwide, I actually looked up the statistic. No, I looked up the statistic worldwide. All cultures consume, they estimate around 25 million dogs worldwide. Wait, no, France eats a lot of horse. Yeah, France. It's racist, John. So does Canada. Yeah, but, you know, the difference here is that chasm of thinking where it's like, oh, that's the most French thing I've ever heard. You know?

I don't know. I think it's funny. I think everybody's got to relax about racism, though. Okay. You want to go? You wanted to get into some problems? Let's get into the problems, Dick, because I got to slice it. Oh, do you want to share this art piece? Oh, right, yeah. Before we go on, Dick, thanks for reminding me. We have here, a fan sent us in. It's a gift. And it's bittersweet because it's something of my favorite movie, Mad Max. You know, I wrote that review, the best review of Mad Max in the universe. I gave it 100 out of five stars. I love that movie.

He sent me the soundtrack to Mad Max. The soundtrack. And it has the coolest fucking cover. It has a more than Joe on the cover. And his face is all red and he has his teeth on. Yeah, it's really fucking cool. I want to hang this up I want to I want this thing I want a giant blow up of this Except what's wrong with it Except it's on vinyl

Oh Yeah it's on vinyl Which is really disappointing Here's there's a note on here What's his name first of all? Oh the guy who sent it his name is Ben Clark He says Genius

He says this meta-hipster Conundrum will definitely be reviewed As a problem Keep kicking ass guys Big fan of the show And then he has a quote on here from, I think the guy's name is Vili Volo. Does that sound familiar? Vili Volo? No.

He has a quote about vinyl. He says, Vinyl is symbolically and physically everlasting. Vinyl is a marriage, and an Mp3 is a quick fuck in the night. You don't feel like you're at a candlelit dinner when you listen to a digital format. But with vinyl, you want to open a bottle of red wine and get in the mood. They both serve purposes. They're both beautiful.

For the people who really get into what you're doing, the artwork, the symbolism, the lifestyle, That's what vinyl is all about. It's fine dining and fast food. They both serve a purpose. Billy Vala. No, he's done, Ben Clark. Is this name?

He's done something very smart here because I want you to look. What impressed you most about this when you got it? The cover. The cover. And it looks fucking awesome. It does like cool. And it's one foot by one foot. It's gigantic.

It's in your face. It's slightly larger than your face. Buddy, you could never do this with an MP3. Yeah. Okay? This is an experience. You want to dig in here. You want to be a Morton Joe, I know that.

I will agree, Dick, that an MP3 is not a poster and can never be a poster. But I think if it came down to it, I could just replace this with a poster that costs way less. A poster? A poster. Then you've got to hang it on your wall, though. I don't have to do anything with it. I can throw it away if I want, but it's a poster. And it costs just a couple bucks.

Sean knows, giggly over there. She totally disagrees with you. I know he does. I know he does. I'm just laughing that you have such a strong opinion about it. Yeah. You can flip-flop. It's okay. You're not running for president. No, I'm not... I don't have...

Look, this vinyl gift was very nice. Uh-huh. I appreciate it. I'll never listen to it because I don't even... I don't own a vinyl thing. What is it? A record player? That's what they're called. Yeah, phonograph. I don't know how to phonograph, because I'm in the 21st century. You can scan it and use a computer software to make an MP3 out of it. Does that excite you? I can go to YouTube and listen to the whole fucking thing and not even be able to tell the difference.

All right. I can even add a little crackly hiss noise if I want to. And it has more. dynamic range on YouTube. Okay. Ben, you did it. Great idea, but sorry. Maddox is unstumpable.

Unstumpable. You want to go first? Yeah, sure. I got a problem for you. Go ahead. Ham-fisted video game stories. Hmm. Yeah.

That's the one you're going with? Yeah. Hand-fisted video game stories. Dick, I just, I, as you may or may not know, I just released another video. And it's about video game stories. And I have caused an outright. rage on the internet. All these nerds, these video game nerds, have started jumping down my throat. It has, as of this recording, it has about 50% downvotes on YouTube.

Yeah. Which I think has been my most controversial thing. And I remember... Is that more downboats than our live episodes? Yes. Oh, wow. That's saying something. Well, I remember for years, when I went on my first book tour, people would always ask me, it was their favorite question to ask at at advance. They said, what's been the most controversial article you've ever written? And to date, up until then, it was an article I wrote about the Xbox, the original Xbox,

and how much I hated it, and how big the controllers were, and how was a garbage system. I got more hate mail about that than anything else. And then when Christopher Reeve died, that was a big bump because my website was the number two search result for Christopher Reeve on Google. I got contacted by their lawyer. But other than those two things... You got contacted by Christopher Reeve's lawyer? Oh, yeah. For what?

Oh, well, this is a good story. He contacted me, he said, hey, we want you to remove this article. What was the article? It was, I wrote an article a long time ago saying, Christopher Reeve is an asshole. Okay. And it showed a picture of a horse kicking him off, Mortal Kombat style, and says fatality.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. What possessed you to make such a horrible thing? It wasn't horrible. Because I, it's definitely horrible. No, no, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why I thought he was an asshole. It's because the thesis of the article is this.

Christopher Reeve started carrying. about paralysis only after he became paralyzed. Yeah. And then he started going on these like big preachy, weepy things and talking about how he's like this hero for paralysis. Every celebrity does that. Yeah. Yeah.

Every person does that. Right. So let me get to this point. He said that, excuse me, the thesis of the article was that we shouldn't wait until a celebrity gets an ailment before we start caring about it. Okay. Just like Michael J. Fox and what does he have? Parkinson's?

Yeah. Parkinson's with Michael J. Fox and paralysis with Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve not only has given so much attention to the paralysis community, he took some away from other things that are affecting people, like cancer and heart disease and all these other things. He gave so much attention to paralysis, and I looked it up at the time. It was only like 250,000 people in the world who had any kind of paralysis. It was like really low.

It was a really low figure. Paralysis? Any kind of, either partial or full paralysis. Anyway, so that's the thesis of my argument. Agree with it or don't. It's a controversial stance. I definitely don't agree with that. You don't think that we should only care about diseases and ailments once a celebrity gets it?

No, I think that getting people to care about something and donate something to it, whether it's their time or their money, is a good thing. Because the default setting for people is to only consume. So if you have a story that can evoke some sympathy and get some dollars rolling in, then I think that's a good thing. I don't look at charity as like a set finite amount of a pie that people are, that scientists are clawing at for research dollars. There's an ebb and flow to it. So when something like something for, like when Parkinson's happens to Michael J. Fox, it's good that there's a boon of research and donations for Parkinson's.

When something like this happens to Christopher Reeve, it's good that it happens because I think the solutions that come out of it have a, have a larger impact than just him. And just for... I'm sorry, Dick. You are incorrect. Because there's actually a phenomenon called charity exhaustion. And I'm not sure if it's exhaustion is the word,

but they did find that people, after donating to the Haiti earthquake, there was another disaster that happened that people needed. And they find that after a big disaster, people become less willing to donate to other disasters, even if they're more urgent, even if they're bigger.

So the louder the speaker that you have for your cause, it can hurt other causes that may need the charity more urgently. Well, that's too bad. It's going to happen. But saying that is dismissive. You're not addressing the problem. Because the way you're describing the problem is not real. No, it's totally real.

Of course, there was a thing, charity exhaustion, and if a lot of horrible events happen in a row, people are going to get tired of giving. But that's not always the norm. That is the norm. That's literally what the study said. when there's a huge event, like, for example, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, raised a lot of money for that charity. Great.

And it raised a lot of awareness for this disease, but it affects relatively few people. If we had that kind of, that engine working towards something that really affects people on a larger scale, like heart disease or cancer or, you know, some of these other heinous diseases that we're all suffering from, I think that would be much better use of that time.

But also, Dick, you're skipping, You're glossing the argument that I'm making here is should we only care about diseases once a celebrity gets it? That's the thesis, right? So I wrote this article, and the lawyer contacted me, and he said, you want me to take it down. Oh, because after... Sorry, this thesis was presented to the public

as Christopher Reeve getting mortal combat kicked by a horse. No, that's a tongue-and-cheek image I threw on there just for fun, like, whatever, you know. So people sent me all this hate mail right when he died, and they said, hey, man, it's really inappropriate that you have this article of because he just died. I thought, well, it was up before he died. Was it inappropriate then?

Why is it inappropriate now that he's died? So then I thought about it and I thought, you know what? Maybe these people have a point. It is inappropriate. So I changed the title of the article from Christopher Eve is an asshole to Christopher Eve was an asshole. Oh, good. And then I doubled down. I got so much hate mail.

So this lawyer says, hey, man, remove the website. And I wrote back to him and I said, look, all over the internet, I sent him a bunch of links to people debating the merits of my article. Some people were agreeing with me, some people were disagreeing with me. They had a debate very similar to the one we just had. And I said, regardless of whether or not you agree with my article, it's invoking, it's spurring an important debate in this country about disease and whether or not we should pay attention to it, only if celebrities give attention to it. Okay. I think it's an important message, and by taking it down, you would be quelling my free speech and my expression. And he wrote back, and he said, Maddox, we disagree with your methods, but we agree with your mission and your message.

So as a good guy, I volunteered to do this. I said, if anyone comes to that website from Google, I'll redirect the page to a landing page. It says, if you're looking for the Christopher E Foundation, you've come to the wrong place, go here. Otherwise, proceed at your own caution. Generous of you. Yeah. I didn't have to, but I offered, and they said they were fine with that. They backed down. So your biggest problem in the universe is now Ham-fisted video games stories? Am-fisted video game stories. Uh-huh.

The second most controversial piece. What was you, what does this thing piece about? The Xbox. So this one was about stories and video games and how much I hate them. I hate stories and video games most of the time. Do you hear a lot of stories about video games? No, no, stories in video games. Oh, in video games. Yeah. Okay.

So you have a game. You're playing. Like, for example, Dick, what if you're watching your football, your precious football game? Okay. And during the football, during the football game, all of a sudden, some announcer comes in and starts telling you a narrative. Yeah, they're great. No, no, no, no. That's what Vince Gully does.

No, it's not about, you're learning about, you know, a distant village somewhere. And then they need some help because some dragons attacking them. And there's nothing you can really do. This is happening in a football game? Yeah, how would you like that? Well, I don't know about the dragons. I'd be kind of weirded out. Yeah.

I would think I was too drunk and that it wasn't happening. You're saying it takes you out of the action. Takes you out of the action, Sean. The cool part about a video game. Yeah. There's a call of duty game. I know what you're trying to say, but football announcers is a bad idea because I would like if they did that more.

If they gave some context of the game. But football announcers are commenting on the game as it's going on. And it's horrible when they do that. Like, they're just saying what I see. Like, that's a bad announcer to me. Chuck Gafawing at themselves. It's like, oh, what a pass. Oh, he might have dropped that pass, but he didn't.

Yeah, but they're good announcers and bad announcers. A good announcer. Of course. And by the way, they do that not for. the benefit of the viewer who's watching TV, but for the benefit of the radio listener. If false, they have different radio announcers. Go ahead.

Sometimes. NBC has their own broadcast, too. NBC broadcasts on radio as well. What's the story? So the story element in a video game, when it's done right, is like a game like Portal 2. Have you ever played Portal 2? I love that game.

Portal 2 is a great game. They tell the story during the gameplay, and it's fluid, it's continuous, it doesn't stop the action. You don't have to sit there and watch some fucking cutscene. But when it doesn't work, is in Call of Duty. Call of Duty, I think advanced warfare is the game.

It has this ridiculous scene where right after the first like five, ten minutes of the game, your main character dies or one of the main characters dies, and you're at a funeral. And you're stuck in this funeral scene, this procession, whatever, and there's a coffin. And you're just walking around looking at people's faces. You can't do anything. And before you leave the area, you have to go up to the casket,

and then you have to press F to pay your respects. You literally have to press the F key. Press X to never find. forget. Yeah. Got it. So what they've done is they've come full circle. Now, they're hamfisting gameplay into a fucking story.

Yeah. I don't need this. I don't feel anything by pressing a button to pay respects. It's so fucking robotic. I don't feel sympathy. I don't feel empathy. I don't feel mourning. I don't feel anything for this character.

I just feel annoyed that before I have to... Now I have to get up off the couch and press a button on my keyboard because I sat down for another 10 minutes for however long this fucking. cutscene is because it never fucking ends with these cutscenes. So I have to get up and I have to press a key now to continue this bullshit-ass story that I don't want to watch in the first place. It's absurd. Well, they're not games anymore.

I don't think anybody makes games anymore at that level. They just make shitty movies with shitty stories that are shittily voice acted and with shittier graphics that you just press buttons through. There's no sense of peril or accomplishment. I don't know if that's why I got out of playing video games or if I just got too old for it. Well, so you don't play games now, right? Not really. Why not? Like, what are you just... I got life to live, man. Like, if I'm blowing time in a video game, I'd rather be writing something or talking abroad or playing an... playing a guitar or something. I'd rather be doing any,

spending time with my nephew. I would rather be doing literally anything else than playing a fucking video game at this point in my life. Okay. All right, not a gameplay. What are you laughing at that? Like, I don't feel anything from it. I don't feel any kind of reward anymore. Yeah, I mean, that's fair. Video games aren't for everyone. And that's also a mistake. Video games are awesome.

Video games are awesome. Yeah, they're really cool. They're a lot of fun, Dick. But, you know, that's fair. So the story element doesn't really factor into it. I think it factors into it for me, because there's certain games I won't play anymore. I have this new rule where if it takes more than 10 minutes

for me from the time I turn on the power button to start having a meaningful gameplay experience in the game, I turn it off, uninstall it, and do something else. That's my fucking rule in the sand. In fact, I'm going to start a website where I'm going to start recording, I'm going to have submissions available. That's a fucking great idea of what you're about to say.

It's going to be the power to start time. Right? So I want people to record the amount of time it takes from the time they hit the power button to when they can actually start the game. And the worst experience I've ever had to date is SSX tricky, I think. It's a snowboarding game on PlayStation 3.

They play a story? A snowboarding game? No, it wasn't even the story. It's just the start time. Actually, yeah, there is a story. There's this story mode in this fucking game. You have characters. I don't give a shit about my snowboard, my virtual snowboarder.

I don't care. There's nothing going on in this fucking snowboarding game I could give a shit about. I don't give a fuck about anything happening in this game. I just want to press a button and do a twirl. That's what I want to do. Let me do backflips. Let me go down a hill.

That's all I care about. So this game is by EA And in order to sign up for it In order to start the game You have to download an update I think it was 8 gigs You had to download a huge update It's a big update

You have to agree to three different Terms of Services agreements Well you know A lot of likenesses in this game A lot of fun A lot of different tricks You gotta agree to Oh sure

You have to sign up You have to provide your email address To sign into EA origins Otherwise you can't even get access To all the contents in the game All said from start to finish From Power to Start No joke, one hour and 20 minutes

From power to game From power to game One hour and 20 minutes I timed it I looked at the screen I have screenshots I have pictures I'm like this is absurd

I've never had a Let me imagine if you were gonna watch a movie You invite your girlfriend over You invited a broad over As you would say dick And you were gonna watch a movie Hey baby come over let's watch some Netflix It'll take an hour and 20 minutes

To warm up But boy we're gonna have some fun Once it loads Oh it's a mood killer Well that's what Disney movies are They're just like 12 minutes of commercials Before the actual movie starts Yeah, oh yeah, they're awful.

Yeah. They're absolutely terrible. I think what you're proposing is brilliant because the ratings that they use for video games anymore don't even matter. Like, they're all fake. They're all, they're all horses shit. Yeah, like, oh, this is a 9.9. This is a 9.8. It's like, yeah, because this was the game they were hyping.

Like, you, you, the journalist for those games are all whores. They just want free, I think. I don't think there's a single, genuine review in the whole lot. Because I play those games and they're dog shit. And I know what is a good video game. But this, what you're talking about is an actual metric that they can't lie about. I see that. I see an hour or 20 minutes.

I say, I got to spend an hour and 20 minutes of my life watching something that like some dog shit comedian wrote for $150. I don't think so. I'm out. Yeah. I have a friend who wrote this script for a video game. It's a very popular game. I won't say which one because I don't want to, you know, give him up or whatever. But he said he wrote

the, it was a sandbox style game like Grand Theft Auto. And he said that it was the most work he'd ever done in his life for such little pay. And they're all bad. Besides Portal 2, is there any good writing and video games? I don't think so. Yeah, no, sure there is. There's actually there's some really good spot on

writing and stories and video games, and they're usually called role-playing games. I don't know why every single game has hamfisted this element from role-playing games into every other game. Even though game Tetristic, do you know, do you know they They added a story to Tetris? What's the story?

It's Tetris Worlds on PlayStation 2, I believe. I have this game. It's one of the worst games I've ever played. Here, listen to this. This is actually from the game's intro where they're setting up the story. I love how much prep work you have for this fucking problem. I'm furious. Listen to this.

Fellow citizens, we are facing the ultimate crisis. Of the 50 billion stars in our galaxy, less than one million have planets that support life as you know. We must find a new home. They have to evacuate their planet because their sun's about to get destroyed. And the way they have to do it is to...

Play Tetris? Yeah, play Tetris, basically. Somebody wrote that. Somebody got paid to write that. Oh, yeah. That's embarrassing. Hopefully not much. Hopefully less than minimum wage.

Yeah. Fuck that. Then I got all these angry comments, they're just piling it. This is your latest video? Yeah. This is what happened? Yeah.

This guy commented. on my Facebook page, his name is Kevin Mann. He says, Maddox just had ADHD or is autistic, which is why he... I was into the sensitive shit. Yeah. Good start. Yeah.

Which is why he can't appreciate a good story in games. Also, suggesting games don't have good stories? You think Witcher 3, DiasX, Bloodborn, or Dragon Age don't have good stories? Gaming is another medium of entertainment, like books and movies. Go read a book if that is the only one. you want a story told, but gaming offers a superior experience since it lets you be a participant rather than a spectator. Fuck you, mad cox. Also, your hairline has gotten even worse, by the way. Yeah, that happens. Somebody said I looked like a balding Aaron Paul. I'm like, well, he'll look

like this too when he's my age. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, this, this shithead. So he, he, specifically in the, in the video, I mentioned that RPGs are not a problem that I have with, right? I don't, I don't have a problem. problem with RPGs because that's what the game is. They are story-driven games. Then he lists RPGs as games that have good stories. Witcher 3, which, by the way, shit. Is that a flushing toilet sound?

I wish I had that sound effect. No, it was this one. Witcher 3 is a piece of shit. Deus X. I bought DeusX, and I couldn't even muster up the energy and strength to open it because I just didn't want to go through all the dialogue. It's actually sitting on my shelf sealed right now. You could skip it?

Remember when you could just... Skip the dialogue you can't anymore. You gotta watch your stupid guy trudge around through some terrain. Can you imagine putting it a DVD that you just bought or a Blu-ray that you just bought and then not being able to turn it off or skip it when you want? Skipping to the next chapter if you want? These poor kids. They don't know what video games are.

Yeah. And then it just goes on. Not to mention three out of the four games you listed are not telling, compelling stories, blah, blah, blah. This huge thread goes on. Everyone's just really angry right now. Just a bunch of fucking idiots. I just want to read this. I'm going over my time here.

Yeah, you are on a problem that is too much stories in video games. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know, I know, I know. But, well, we did the whole Christopher Reeve rant. But here, I just want to end on this note. You know, Dick, the top best-selling games of all time are not games that have stories in them. Because games purely, at their essence, need to have good gameplay, and they need to be compelling to play. No one gives a shit about the story the second time through.

No one sits and watches the story the second time through. It annoys you. It annoys me. I don't want to see it. Generally, right? No, well, you're making an interesting point because there's always that argument of whether or not video games are art. And I'll watch a movie a hundred times. You know, I've watched Dread, the Dred remake, probably once a week.

Huh. But I've never played a video game more than once for the story. Well, did you see The Avengers 2, Age of Ultron? Yes, I hated it. Hated it. You know what the budget? for that movie was? A north of it?

A hundred millions? Yeah, about. It was about that. Yeah, north of 80 million, 110 million around that area. Yeah. That's bigger than most budgets for video games. So think about it.

They're spending $110 million to make a movie as good as they can possibly make. They have A-list actors in it. Robert Downey Jr. is in it, right? Yeah. They have A-list actors in it. They have A-list screenwriting talent. They have A-list directors.

They have all the talent in the world. They have ILM or Dream works doing the special effects, like whoever is doing the special effects, they have the best of the best making this movie, and they still failed. Yeah. What hope does a video game developer have to make a good? Yeah, none. Because first of all, they have to do the game, and it's hard enough to make a good game.

Don't try to cram a good movie into it, too. We don't need that. I think, well, I think there's a component of story building in the video game. Like Portal 2, you were part of, you felt like you were developing the story as you went. Like Zelda, the original Legend of Zelda. Zelda game, you felt like you were building the story. Even though there was almost no story, you felt like you were building it as you went. I think they don't understand that.

They try to put on this movie with like Gears of War and Call the Duty and it just turns into like a dog shit. Yeah. Second-rate version of a movie they saw once. Right. Like the games like Zelda, the original Zelda, and actually most Zelda games like Blood Born and Dark Souls, Dark Souls 2, they have the right amount of story. It's just a little bit of framework, a little bit of scaffolding to say, you know, even

Contra. The original Contra had a little bit of a story as scaffolding to say, this is what you're supposed to do, Dickhead, just go over here and do this thing. It's a sentence. I don't need a whole fucking... I can summarize the entire... Most stories in video games in a sentence. But I just want to end on this note.

Here are the top ten... You know what the number one's best-selling game of all-time is there? What are they? What are the top ten? Number one is Tetris. Okay. Doesn't need a fucking story. Don't add one. Number two is We Sports.

Number three is Minecraft. None of these have stories in them. Yeah. Number four does have a story, but I've never played it. Grand The Auto 5. Then Super Mario Bros. Mario Kart Wii. No stories there. Again, and then Tetris, again, Tetris on Game Boy, separately.

Hmm. And then, you know, we won't even count that. I'll say, We Sports Resort on Wii. No story there. And then new Super Mario Brothers. Hmm. Yeah. That's fun, game.

Yeah. Those are the top. That are live beach volleyball is not on there? No, surprisingly. That is surprising. Yeah. I'm always off with what I think is going to be popular. Anyway, Dick, that's my problem.

All right. I don't know if my problem is as big as yours. terrorism. It was just September 11th, you guys. Did you know? Are you aware of that? Yeah, it was. Did you remember to never forget? Sean, I'm looking at you.

I did remember to never forget. Good, Maddox? Did you do some Osama bin Laden death shit? I bought, no, no, that's on Osama bin Laden death day, which I believe is May 2nd. Oh. That's when I celebrate Osama bin Laden death day. 9-11 is a day of remembrance. I did remember to not forget, yes.

Okay, I'm not going to be flipping about this because it's a big issue. growing issue worldwide. Terrorism has caused around 130,000 fatalities between 2006 and 2013. That's a lot of fatalities. 90,000 total terrorist attacks in this time period. Since when? What year? 2006 and 2013. 20,000, man. That is a shitload. And how many deaths did that result in? 130,000.

What was that big, what was the Hades? Yeah, what was the tsunami? Wasn't it around? Hundreds of thousands? Yeah, the Thai tsunami, the tsunami that hit Southeast Asia in 2004. You're wincing, Sean, like you think it's a lot more. No, no, no, I thought it was like in the 70,000 range. Okay, close. No, it was a magnitude.

It was a double. It was over 100. Yeah, it was over 100. It was a lot. In the past year, the country with the most terrorist attacks, obviously Iraq, followed by Pakistan and Afghanistan. Altogether, a number of terrorist attacks in these countries amounted to around 7,000 attacks.

That's a shitload, man. Yeah. Look, I'm bringing it in. It's weird to bring it. because according to the numbers, it's not an American problem. Right? Like, you're more likely to be killed. In America, you're dying because you're fat.

That's it. You're dying because the garbage shelving system that you bought on QVC falls on your head while you're taking a three-hour shit. That's why you die in America, right? Coronary heart disease. You're not dying from a terrorist attack. Usually not. So I'm reading these fatalities in this.

They're huge. Yeah. But to us, it's not a big deal, but it is. Because all it is to us is the fear, right? That's all terrorism is to us, is the fear of it. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Do you agree with that or disagree with that?

Yeah. Because it's not a real threat. It's not a real threat to us. It's not. Even despite what every politician implicates, they never say it. They always implicate that it's a threat, right? Not a threat. But we're all afraid.

We're all terrified of it. So huge success for them, because we're all terrified of it. Yeah, we are terrified to a point of annoyance where we have started to mobilize ourselves against terrorism. Let me tell you how. Yeah. Drones. Terrorism.

Militarized police. Terrorism. Mass surveillance, the TSA. Your Oculus Rift shit? Yeah. One fucking terrorist. It's goodbye. One data center goes, goodbye Maddox.

What are you talking about? Right? That's how you. the Oculus Rift Wars. No, man. I'm going to be in a cloud, buddy. You can't get rid of me. No, it's, here's the problem with it, honestly,

is we're going to be at war forever. We're constantly at war. We're just constantly at war now because of fucking terrorism. Yeah, but I mean, terrorism is the problem, but also isn't it the initiative of the politicians who got us into that war?

What do you mean? Well, specifically Bush. Right after 9-11, no, let's talk about this. Right after 9-11, Bush called for a global war on terror. Sure. Or the war on terror. Twat, for short.

So he had this TOT initiative, right? The war on terror. And just like any other war on an ism or an ideology, it never ends. It can never ends because that ideology never can end. And also, when you attack your enemies, right, unless you have laser precision, which we don't, unless you have laser precision,

it creates... collateral damage, it creates collateral deaths. And part of the reason the terrorists attacked us on 9-11 isn't for the reason that Bush said, which is because they hate our freedoms. I looked it up after Bush said that speech, I thought, well, that's kind of confusing. Because even on 9-11, I wasn't a Bush fan, but even on 9-11, I thought, this is our president, this is our leader, this is my country, we're in a time of grieving and suffering. This is really shitty and tragic.

But still, that doesn't really sound true to me, that they would attack us just because they don't like our freedom. What, jealousy is the reason they're attacking us? Then I looked it up and I found Osama bin Laden's manifesto. And he said he's attacking us because he said that we brought down roofs over Palestinian children. And because of our occupation in Israel and Saudi Arabia, they said they don't like that we have military bases in Saudi Arabia, which he considers their holiest country. Yeah, he doesn't like our interference with the Muslim state.

Yeah. Right? I mean, with his version of it. Well, yeah. And it's also retribution for, because, Because we funded the Mujahideen and then left them to fight the Russians in Afghanistan a long time ago, yada, yada. It's a lot of ancient history, but that's what happened. That's what led up to the 9-11 attack.

And so when you respond to them with more war that creates more collateral damage, then the cousin of somebody who got killed suddenly has a beef with you. Yeah, see, I know what you're saying. And I understand, like, the collateral damage of it. But then I found this. But what's the other solution, right? Like, what's the other fix? I'll tell you.

Do nothing. What is it? What is it? Buy them off? I'm fine with that. Just go over there and start handing out $100 Starbucks cards. They say, where's the Starbucks? Like, well, you guys got to fucking build one.

I don't know. You got to work together on something here. Dick, I came up with a solution for this a long time ago that we still haven't implemented. Rather than dropping bombs on their heads, let's drop bags of money. Yeah. Instant reparations, Dick. Because you drop a bag of money, kill somebody.

And then their cousin or whoever, you know, they're pissed off. They're like, oh, well, there's a bag of money. They're like, oh, that guy was kind of a dick. Fuck him. I got all this money. Because here's the thing, man. The cost of each, like one of those missiles were shooting into caves and on the hillside

and the operation is in the trillions of dollars. If we had just gone into these countries and say, hey, guys, here are a bunch of Starbucks and a bunch of shiny buildings for you. Yeah, here's a bunch of jeans. You guys like Levi's? Yeah. Whatever you go. I mean, I think that sugar goes a lot.

lot further than vinegar in this case. Well, so here's, okay, here's what I found, because I saw, let me, let me, let me stay on track here. So there's the war, the war, by the way, cost us about two trillion dollars so far. You know what NASA's budget is every year? Hmm. 20 billion. Yeah. So what is that?

A hundred years of NASA. Yeah. All, more than, more than NASA has been around. Yeah. More budget. That's like 20. That's 20% of our national debt, isn't it? I don't know.

Price to end hunger worldwide is three. 30 billion a year. Yeah. And terrorism is preventing that, basically. I mean, basically. A lot of stupid decisions are causing this, but the root cause is still terrorism. Yeah.

Well, so who's opposed to that solution, Dick? What's that? Let's say that you were trying to build political will amongst a populace to say, look, guys, we can solve world hunger for a fraction of the cost of this war on terror. We can actually feed every single person in the world. And we can end certain diseases and we can end homelessness and all these great things. We can fund NASA. How do you then build a political capital?

Who's going to be opposed to that? What do you mean? I imagine everyone. Hmm. Why? Why? Because you can't get incensed about hunger. Like it's always been that way.

It's easy to ignore. But it's not easy to ignore people getting blown up. You don't think that... That's how people work. That's why Christopher Reeve getting paralyzed, motivated people to give. That's because that's how people are. There's a tragedy and they respond to it. Yeah, this is actually a cognitive bias that I'm talking about in another video that I'm making down the line about gun control.

But it's called the probability neglect, and it's a cognitive bias by this researcher named Sun. I forget which university that is from. But basically, things that are in our near sight, in our ideas, in our ideas space seem much more. urgent than problems that we actually need to focus on. Actually, there's a book by the professor... Well, but that last part I take issue with. What? That you need to focus on.

Well, sure. Because in your life, stories in video games have a bigger impact than terrorism. I mean, you could make that argument because that's right in front of you. Sure. Yeah, I'm not saying... I'm not saying that I am not fallible to this. cognitive bias. We all are. We're humans. We all basically respond the same way. I mean, I am infallible, but that's a different story. That's a different episode. But this researcher,

Kahneman, I think, is his name. He wrote this book called Fast and Slow Thinking, where he specifically talks about this. He says it's a cognitive bias that makes us feel like the things that we're hearing about are more important than they are. That's why we focus so much on celebrity news. And in fact, terrorism, which isn't as nearly as big of a problem as children and drowning. No. The number of children who drown every year is around, what,

30,000? What is it? It's a shit load. More people die in car crashes than anything else. Every year, more people die from the flu. 33,000 people die

per year from the flu. So since 2006, that's what? 11 years. And in 11 years, we've had 90,000 terrorist attacks and 130,000 casualties. That's way less than the flu. No, it was 2006 to 2013,

so that's seven years. Oh, seven years. Okay, so, okay, still, it's 33,000 per year, 33,000 times seven, that's 210,000, right? That's 130,000 versus 210,000. Flu is a way bigger problem. Why aren't we using this money to solve the flu? Well, you can't just stack up death counts. Like, that's not how, that's also not how it works. Well, I know that's not, bigger because it's, uh, more people died from it. Yeah. I mean, that's how it should work.

Or else death would be a big problem. And we saw what happened there, didn't we? A bunch of idiots. Yeah. So this one guy, yeah, well, no. Well, I was, you, you mentioned, you know, the collateral damage and not just killing him. However, then I found this Rand study that says all terrorist groups event, why, oh boy. Rand, the Rand Institute? Yeah, sure, what?

Is it James Randy or Rand? What do you mean? Is it James Randy or Rand? What's the institute? Rand. The Rand Institute. Yeah, you know them? Yeah. Do you have a problem with them?

Well, let's hear the study. What is you, are they too conservative? Is it a scam? Sometimes. Sometimes. All terrorist groups eventually. end, they say, but how do they end? The evidence since 1968 indicates that they end because either they joined the political process, 43%

ended that way, or to local police and intelligence agencies arrested or killed key members, 40%. What is that, that says, pretty effective strategy to arrest and kill key members. Right? That's what that number says to me. Well, we killed half of them. What happened to the other half? They stopped doing terrorist things. Okay, it sounds like Killing them solved 100% then. Like, that's what the numbers say.

Not that I'm on board with that, but it seems pretty fucking effective. I don't think so, Dick, because we essentially wiped out the leadership of the Taliban. And we wiped out the leadership of Al-Qaeda. We pretty much send Al-Qaeda packing. Like, there's nobody left for the heads of Al-Qaeda. They were kind of a scattered, a bunch of scattered cells in Somalia and in Yemen and Jordan. There's a bunch of cells, right? Yeah.

But then this, these, the resentment is still there. And you, if you take away al-Qaeda by name and you take away the Taliban by name, guess what? Then you get ISIS. Then you get ISIS. Yeah. You get another fucking shithead. And that's exactly what Dick Cheney, the biggest snake, the snakeiest weasily politician,

probably in the last decades. I mean, you know, terrorism existed before those guys, right? Hold on, hold on. Dick Cheney came out with this video. And during an interview, I think 1996, and he said it would be suicide to go into Iraq. It would be insane to go into Iraq. Because if we took out Saddam Hussein, Saddam Hussein's a thug and a strong arm, and he's oppressing the people, but he's also oppressing the bad guys in Syria.

We need someone shitty like Saddam Hussein to oppress these fucking dickhead terrorists. Because Saddam Hussein is way more cruel than we are. We can't torture people. I mean, we do it anyway. But we can't. We're not supposed to. We have to go abide by the Geneva. conventions and we have to abide by the United Nations conventions and we have to play by the

rules but these dickheads don't and Saddam Hussein wasn't doing it either and he was oppressing these fuckheads and then Dick Cheney said you take out Saddam Hussein it's going to create a power vacuum and it's going to bring in more terrorism into the Middle East and guess what that's exactly what fucking happened well sure so so ISIS is just the remnants of al-Qaeda and the Taliban and these other terrorist groups and you take out ISIS and then what man where does it end another group I actually read what ISIS wants because I didn't know you think like what What do they want? What the hell do they want? What can I give these people to make them stop doing this? Right? What does it say? They don't just want money. Like, I understand that. How much do you want us to write the check for? None of these checks that we write are good anyway. What do you want? Right? Yeah. Do you know what they want? Do you know what ISIS wants?

I mean, if I listen to just the propaganda and rhetoric, it sounds like they want an Islamic state. Do you, you don't think that's true? I think they do. You think that they do? Okay. Well, I actually researched because I wanted to know, I watched a, a 60 seconds all you need to know about ISIS video. Okay. It's like perfect. Cool. So they're running a caliphate. Am I saying that right? Yeah. It's an Islamic state ruled by one leader who's considered the political

successor, sorry, to Mohammed. Yeah. That's a pretty fucking clear agenda that doesn't have a fix. Right? Like it doesn't matter how many casualties, how much collateral damage we cause if the agenda is a Islamic state

where the head of the state is a successor to Mohammed, you can't stop that. You don't understand what I'm saying? Like, dropping money on it, we're not causing that. That's all I'm saying. Like, if that's their agenda. That is their agenda.

We're not causing it, but we're also exacerbating in the situation. Well... Because, man, nobody in the Middle East likes ISIS. The Syrian regime wants to get rid of them. The Saudi regime wants to get rid of them. Iran doesn't like him. Nobody wants them.

Nobody wants to harbor them. Nobody wants to even get that stink near them because once they get that stink of state-sponsored terrorism, they know that they're on our watch list and Israel's watch list. They don't want that. They don't want to... And Turkey, too. Turkey's one of our allies.

And they're playing ball right now. But... See, I read these solutions. I looked up some how to stop this. And none of them ring true to me. Stop supporting the dictators who fund terrorists. Like, yeah, okay. Okay, you know.

Sure. Stop arming terrorists. Yeah, only buy stocks that go up. Thanks. Thanks for the... How are we going to stop doing that? Like... Well, we're still doing it.

We're still doing it. There's still been reports of arms going into Syria to support the rebels. Well, guess what? If the rebels get defeated, those arms are going to fall into the hands of terrorists. Yeah, again. So only fund the rebels who will win, right? Like, let's pretend we're in Star Wars. You know, it happens.

It happens. Yeah, but that's exactly what we did to start al-Qaeda, which is the mujahideen in Afghanistan. We armed them to fight Russia. They defeated Russia, but then they took it. turned their weapons on us. Yeah. Our weapons. Our own weapons.

Stop imperial conquests for Arab oil. Okay. Okay. Well, I'll drive praises. Have a fucking great time. Well, hold on. That's actually a solution, Dick, that I think that might actually work. If we took this $2 trillion,

and we created initiatives to create clean energy alternatives or any kind of new technology to produce our energy demands to answer our enemy, excuse me, to answer our energy needs with that two trillion dollars, that might actually be a solution. If we got out of the Middle East altogether. Here's the only solution that I read that I thought was interesting. Yeah. I think all that other shit is totally unrealistic and retarded.

It's like, well, okay. So radically change culture and lives. Got it. Thanks. We'll get right on that. Right? It seems like a passive solution, if at all. Because there are relative times where we don't support these regimes and we don't

armed terrorists, but they still, you know, find a way to exist. This was from The Guardian. And it says the author blames it on childhood poverty. Yeah. Saying poverty feeds terrorism by eroding a basic human need, the need to belong. Right. This may seem like an unlikely place to begin a conversation on terrorism. But after growing up in one of Africa's largest urban slums for most of my life,

I am certain that nurturing a sense of belonging young people through economic opportunity and the cultivation of community is essential for curbing the spread of terrorism. And here's the interesting part. They say when middle and upper class people, which would be America, right, ask why someone with no natural inclination towards violence become a terrorist, the answer is usually because they have nothing to use. But what it is to people, it's just what happens every day in these communities spilling over into the upper and middle class societies. That's what they're saying. That is this is just the default behavior and the way to fix it is to bring everybody up. I agree.

I absolutely agree. Because here's the thing, Dick. These, they're essentially like gangs. Gangs in the United States are usually the most impoverished. They come from places of poverty. You don't see gangs popping up in affluent neighborhoods. You don't get the Beverly Hills gang. You don't get the Brentwood gang.

You don't get the Gangam Gang. gangham in South Korea you know gangam style is that a rich area yeah it's the South Korean Beverly Hills the gangam gang has the word gang right in it why don't you have one anyway man you don't get you don't get gangs from affluent neighborhoods because when people are downtrodden and distraught

you know you ever heard the expression Dick um no disrespect uh people like someone says that to you no disrespect and then they say something extremely disrespectful yes I do know yeah it's like everybody it's like when

someone says gentleman. It's like I know you're, I know you're about to not treat me like a gentleman. Yeah. Or when someone says, uh, no offense. Yeah. It's like, okay, please, please proceed with the offense. You know, Dick, I believe that Chinese cultures have something in common, uh, with, with, uh, with gang mentality, and that is this concept of losing face. Because when gang cultures lose face, sometimes if they're already in poverty and they're already poor, that's all they've got. They've only have their pride. And when you take their pride away, they'll lash out. out at you. And the same thing I think is happening in the Middle East. I read an essay a long time ago.

I think it was in The Guardian or Atlantic where they talked about how the psychology that goes into terrorism are these people who are downtrod and in poverty and no one else gives a shit about them. No one's taking them in. So essentially the Middle Eastern version of our American gangs is happening right now

and now they're getting rifles. They're getting machine guns and they feel powerful. They feel like they're challenging authority. We are the authority that they're challenging. That is what a machine gun feels like. Yeah, well, they're challenging. I mean, you're literally, these people are becoming armed with machine guns to go out and kill people that they view as oppressors. The people who they view as the aggressors who put them in that situation to begin with.

Well, they got something to fight for also. Like, if ISIS's goal is a gigantic Muslim state ruled by a prophet, by descendant of the prophet, then that's a pretty good cause to fight for. You got nothing. I mean, if you're sitting there, you got nothing but a fucking corrugated piece of iron as a roof and a machine gun, somebody drops that on you, you're like, yeah, that's a fucking

great idea. Fuck this. So the hope here is that and this is what I would like to see more of, is a Middle Eastern solution to this largely Middle Eastern problem, and it's got to be two-prong, and America has to stop exacerbating the situation.

Like, by bombing, by doing bombing campaigns and all these missions, look, man, you kill somebody, you kill a terrorist. That terrorist has a brother. That terrorist has a cousin. That terrorist has parents. Or you kill their parents, whatever. They're going to come after you.

They're going to join the cause that killed them. Look, man, just put yourself in their shoes. If someone dropped a bomb on a suspected American terrorist, right? Let's say Pakistan was flying drones. I would post that shit all over Facebook. Are you kidding me? Let's say Pakistan was flying drones over America. Like, we are there over there, and they accidentally drop a bomb on a wedding.

And they kill a bunch of innocent people. They said, oh, sorry, we thought it was a terrorist. sell. Sorry, here's a bunch of money for reparations. That's not going to be good enough. No, absolutely not. And people are going to be outraged. And the relatives of those people are not going to rest until they get justice. Well, this is their form of justice. It's shitty. It's wrong. Because they're attacking civilians, they're attacking innocent people, and they don't

discriminate. But it's clear to see that where this problem comes from and what we need to do to stop exacerbating it. And then to get the Middle Eastern countries to try to solve this problem. I don't think it's clear, though. I agree with what you're saying, but I don't think it's the biggest cause. Like I agree with this idea of a cycle of revenge and violence. I think that's part of it though. I think poverty, I think you're

right, Dick. Poverty, I think is probably a big part of it. Poverty combined with fanaticism is much more dangerous. I was reading also that Osama bin Laden didn't even think that an Islamic state could be established in his lifetime. Like that was the end game, but he

was like, oh, there's no way that'll happen. Yeah. And here we go. Yeah. It's a big problem It's gonna be around for a long fucking time It is a big problem And it's so annoying

Because it dominates Conversation in America Well hold on Dick I think that the start of your problem You said something that You were saying that it's I don't think it's as big of a problem As we're making it to be

Because it's on our horizon It's on our radars Because we're hearing about it all the time But like we said It's 90,000 terrorist incidents. That's only deaths though. It's $2 trillion. Put that in dollars, not deaths.

But those dollars are for the war that we've those war campaigns that we've been part of the war on terrorism. That's never going to end. That shit is never going to end. I mean, it can. You know what we got to do? We got to send

Bernie Sanders to the Middle East and have him distribute all that oil money to everybody. Right? That'll help. Then everybody he'll be rich. Yeah, man. I mean, to even start to unravel the Middle Eastern politics

and the corruption that goes on there and, you know, the Saudi oil money and the princes and Dubai and Jordan and all these, like the Emirates

and all, what's the other one, Bahrain? Yeah, Qatar. Actually, I think the king of Qatar is a badass. Was that, no, it's the king of Jordan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, King Abdullah of Jordan. Like, I think personally flew a jet camp. campaign to bomb an ISIS target. It's pretty fucking badass. You know, Bush did his morale boost

by landing a jet on an aircraft carrier. King Abdullah dropped a fucking bomb on a terrorist. That's pretty fucking balzy. Pretty cool. Especially for a Middle Eastern. Well, this is why I say it's such a big problem because it's even the quagmire of dissecting it is impossible. I don't think it's impossible.

I think it's complex situation. Well, you couldn't do it. I mean, who's going to do it then? You couldn't do it in 20 seconds? That's it. That's all we got. You're the best hope we got. I told you. Drop bombs of money on them, man. Just drop bags of money. For real. Drop bags of money.

Let these fuckers kill them with it. And then, you know, also instant reparations. Boom. Just fucking gold. Fort Knox. What are we doing to Fort Knox? A bunch of bullshit. Look, man, Russia had a gold reserve that just got robbed.

I don't know how many billions of dollars. Like $4 billion worth of gold got robbed from Russia. Put that shit in missiles. Drop it on the fucking terror. Let them have a fucking, hey, give them a Cadillac. You put a, you put a, Cadillac, you put Cadillac keys in a tear his hand, I'll show you an ear to ear smile

buddy. They'll be grinning like motherfuckers. They're not going to bomb anyone. They'll just put some fucked up looking rims on it. Yeah, what happens when poor people win the lottery? They blow it immediately. It's not going to work. See, your plan is fucked. We could give them plutonium. That's worth a lot. Right? They could resell

that. You need to create, you need to create an industry over there, I think. I mean, it's not our job to NationBuild. And by the way, we are not good at nation building. I think that most instances where we have tried nation building since World War II have been

absolute and utter failures. Iraq is the primest example. Afghanistan is another prime example. There's so many times where we've tried nation building that doesn't work. But yeah, man, this problem, I think... We gave it a shot, though. What? Nation building? Yeah, sure. Great.

A shot. There you go. Slap dick nation builders. Yeah, so we're shitty nation builders. We're shitty nation builders, dick. We're not supposed to... We need to get out of that business. And, yeah, if there are... You think terrorism is a big problem, though, right? No.

You don't think it's a big problem? No. Not compared to... Two trillion dollars we're spending? The Patriot Act? Yeah, well... This is a natural reaction to it. This is a natural reaction to fear.

That's a shitty conservative reaction to it. The Patriot Act... This is a reaction to fear. Of course, it's bad, but this was the reaction. Yeah, but also, you need to have a measured response to it, and it's not... The response is not measured here. Two trillion dollars to solve a problem. problem that's really costing us 130,000 lives per year.

Not us. Those are other lives. Okay. Those are not our lives. Well, I mean, there are troops. They're people who live in those countries. Look, man, the damage that this is causing, it's bad. It's a bad problem. But like we just said, Dick, that, you know, because video game stories are on my agenda,

they're on my horizon. That's a problem to me, but it's not a big problem in the grand scale of things. Why don't you start a foundation now that you've had this happen to you? It'll be the fuck you Sean Foundation. How about that? F-Y-S. Donate now. And I'll start my website, the Power to Play website.

All right. I think I'm done with terrorism. I don't think I have anything else for it. I'm done with terrorism, too. Fuck terrorism. Yeah, Dick, here's one other thing, just to add on the terrorist note. Thankfully, this is not the majority of the Middle East. Like, you know, this is a big problem in terms of geopolitical events, geopolitics, right?

But the majority of Saudi Arabia doesn't have to worry about terrorism. The majority of Iran, excuse me, Iran, Qatar, and Kuwait. These aren't countries that are actively dealing with, you know, hundreds and thousands of terrorist deaths or terrorist incidents. I, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Thankfully, there's not more of it. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. It's a minority still, thankfully. Relatively speaking, it's still the 1% of the population, the Islamic population that's doing this. Oh, this is a PC Islam thing that you're doing? Okay. It's not. I mean, you can call it PC if you want, but it's the truth.

It doesn't change the truth of what I said. Nope. Find me a survey of people who support it. The terrorism? Yeah. And find me a survey that says, Yeah, I have. Populations of those countries who support terrorist acts, and it says 1% or less.

Because I bet you're going to find that it's a lot higher than 1% who support terrorist tags. No, it's not. I've actually looked into this dick. I've actually looked into this. And outside of every single country, except I think at the time it was Iraq, those people surveyed were absolutely opposed to terrorism. Across the board, way less than 1, like way less than 5% in most of those countries. But, I mean, you pull anyone, you're going to see an anomaly. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I think I actually brought this fucking study in. Good. Hold on. It's higher than that. Jordan, 72% of Jordanians backed terror attacks against U.S. troops in Iraq as of 2009. Does that sound right? No, that doesn't sound right. That's what this shit said.

I'm looking for it. I got my notes all mixed up, though. I threw them in a fit. Oh, it's from Breitbart. Breit Bart. Great. You got a problem with them too? That's Bright Bart. Bright Bart. Yeah, Bright Bart.

Bright Bart. You got a problem with them too? Yeah. Might as well be Newsmax Dick. Might as well be... What's her name? Andrew Brightbart was a very, very conservative political pundit. Yeah. All right, we'll find a fucking Pew study then. I don't know. There's a BBC study that I found, and I looked at it in almost every single country, except for one. I believe it was Iraq at the time. And it was right after the invasion, the Shokanah campaign, that there was a little bit of support for it because they, They viewed us as aggressors. But most countries in the Middle East

absolutely do not stand for terrorism. Because they're the ones who are mostly suffering. These casualties you said, Dick, 130,000 deaths, those are mostly Middle Eastern. No, I read that. Those are mostly Shias versus, what are the other one? The Basque. The Sunnis.

Yeah, Shias and Sunnis blowing each other up over ancient disputes, and they're blowing up mosques and they're hurting each other. They don't want this anymore than we want gangs. We have to know about all these names because of terrorism. Right? Or just for the lack of ignorance. Most of us? All right.

That's my problem, terrorism. Good problem, Dick. I think that stories and video games are bigger problem. Well, yeah. But we'll see. They're taking your time hostage. That's true. You can't.

Look, if I'm tired of a terrorist story, I can turn it off on the news. I can't skip a story in a video game. You can turn it off for now. What? The terrorist story? Plug my ears, buddy. I know. Can't do that with a video game.

It's too loud. All right, Dick. My problem this week is ham. fisted video game stories. My problem is terrorism. See you next Tuesday. Here's a good, this guy's got a pretty

good problem, and he presents it passionately. Light on the stats, though. Hey guys, here's the problem is the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. They're the best buns. Every restaurant will have some sort of pretzel

burger, but only for like one week and it's gone. And I just had two pretzel sandwiches that my mom made for me, and they were delicious. I have not enjoyed a ham sandwich for 10 years. I haven't enjoyed a ham sandwich. I finally did because of the power of the pretzel bun. Yeah, he's right. And at the store, they're like a limited edition saying, like, we have to enjoy them while they last.

Why is this? Why does bread have to be flaky, sloppy, colloopy, basically hardened air? Like all bread is. Why can't we enjoy pretzel buns? Why is the only kind of pretzel we can have is just regular pretzels, which you can't do anything with it. All you can do is just eat it or dip it in cheese. You can't do anything with it.

Completely ridiculous. You know, I'm usually in favor of capitalism, but, you know, if it takes a couple of government interventions, national policies, higher tax rates, polonialist invasions, whatever it takes for, For pretzel buns to be common, let's do it. Big problem. I love a phrase that starts with, I'm usually in favor of capitalism. And then his big problem with normal pretzels is that you can only dip them in cheese,

and he calls them completely ridiculous. They are completely, really. He's dead right, though. There is an artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. Every single bun should be a pretzel bun. I don't have a problem with a single word he said. No, me either. Pretzel buns are okay.

They're a little too tooy on a little. outside. If you have a really soft... Oh, what? Okay, have you ever had a pulled barbecue sandwich in a pretzel bun, buddy? No, but now I really want one. Well, you think you do, because on paper it sounds good, right? You don't have to stop eating other bread. Yeah, well, Sean... Yeah, you can eat. What do you

eat? Some kind of croissant, something real soft for your precious roof of your mouth. What do you got going on? No, dickhead. What I eat is the bread that's right for the sandwich. Dick, just like you had a problem with Fireball whiskey a long time ago, because you thought it would infect other whiskeys. And it did. And it did. And it did. You were right. You were right.

You were right. Thank God. I was right. I'm glad it did. That's fucking awesome because I love cinnamon. But just like it infected other whiskeys, if pretzel buns became too common, they didn't infect other breads. The next thing you know, you got a barbecue shop on the side of the road that has pretzel bun pulled pork sandwiches that you bite into and the bread's too chewy. So all the meat squirts out in your girlfriend's face. Then I can lick it off.

Sounds awesome. Let's see here. You know, it's pretty sad that. There's three people in the room that were able to open up about their sexual experiences. And then there's Maddox. Maddox, Sean barely said a word this episode, and yet he came off more as a love guru than you even did. I think it's time you just try to not speak about sex anymore and just go back to playing Smash Brothers. Anyway, did he keep up to good work.

Max, shut the fuck up. Oh, that's rude. You know, fuck that guy. He cited zero examples of what he was talking about. How did Sean come off? How did Sean come off as more of a sex expert? Look at him. Probably by my silence.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's a sound. The silence is deafening because that's also the sound that a virgin makes. I got a game I want to play with you for next episode. All right. I'm going to bring in a game. I'm going to win it. No, I think it'll be a fun game, though.

All right, good. I'll do this ad read now. Hey, speaking of being put to sleep by shitty video game stories, this episode is brought to you by Casper. Give $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting casper.com slash biggest and using promo code Biggest. How do you like your Casper mattress? I love it, Dick. I legitimately love this mattress. Do you really?

I found myself evangelizing this mattress. Talk about annoying evangelist. Now I'm a Casper evangelist. Outside this show, I have evangelized this mattress to my. friends to my family and several of them have bought it and they like it a lot too they do oh man it's the most restful sleep this guy john anthony says my new casper mattress is so good that i slept right through my work shift this morning i blame the terrorists happy 9-11 guys and what every what every sponsor wants is an idol in their ad i read that comment too that no for real though i sleep through my phone

ringing i sleep through alarms it might be a problem. Maybe I need to turn up my alarms. They're all metal. Oh, your alarms are metal? Yeah. What song do you play on your alarms? I play the Dallas Stars fight song. The Dallas Stars hockey team fight song is fucking awesome. Everyone listen to it. Everyone look it up right now. Dude, hockey music is awesome. Oh yeah. If you go to a game live, the only games worth going live to that have good music are hockey games. Oh my gosh. And they're all awesome. Right. Sean, would you agree with that? Yeah, the whole hockey experience live is completely different than on it. Oh yeah, it's badass.

There's no better live sport. This one's by Pantera. Pantera did the Dallas Stars fight theme, and it's so fucking cool. I listen to it every morning. You know how people say, don't set your favorite song to be your alarm because you'll hate it. I love it. Oh, yeah, I love it. Oh, stupid.

Life hack. This one's from Anthony Lopez. Hey, Dick, love the show, man. You guys are fucking awesome. I recently moved from California to Washington. I let it go on my bed. I was like, well, I don't want to fucking deal with the whole mattress shopping, so why not get a tits mattress in a box delivered? Absolutely right.

If you're moving, just ditch the mattress and get a Casper. I went to the Casper site and didn't see an apparent field for a promo. Point me in the right direction. Absolutely. It's casper.com slash biggest. You'll know if you're there because they spelled the name of our show wrong. Did they really? Yes. How is it's spelled?

So if you're there, if you're looking at a page that has the correct name of the show, you're at the wrong spot. No, they said it says the biggest problems in the universe or something like that. It's a simple, simple grammatical mistakes. We all make them all the times. Use promo code biggest. There you go. Yeah, we'll link to it on our website. Thanks for supporting the show, guys.

Sleep well.