The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 71

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from piss dribblets to P. Diddy. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decided what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Matt Oxen with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. 4 million.

4 million. Oh, my God. We cracked 4 million. It was a couple of episodes ago, actually, that we cracked 4 million. How many downloads does Mark Marin have? 5 million? 6 million? Got to be.

We're right on his ass. We're nippin into his heels. Yeah. Like a pair of vicious pit bulls. Right. Who won? Dick. Dick, we got to talk about this up top.

Oh, what happened? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The biggest problem in the universe from last week was terrorism. Yeah, good. Surprised. I was surprised. And then ham-fisted video game stories. No, bullshit problem.

And you know what, though? Real sexy number for the vote, 69. That's all the ham-fisted video stories got? It was in the positive by less than 100. the positive, bro. That's good. What is it floating around? 69.

And what, terrorism? No, no, no, no. Like, what are the problems that... Because the most fascinating thing to me about this show is the neighborhoods that the problems end up in. Like, if you go to the website, the biggest problem of the universe.com, you go click on problems. You'll see what is a comparable problem to ham-fisted video game stories. What is a comparable problem to ham-fisted video game stories? You got that.

Okay. All right. What? What? What? asking me what is a comparable problem to... Yeah. Okay.

Is that... Wait, is that... You know what? I've fucked up my grammar so badly on this show that I don't actually know when it is I'm speaking correctly or not anymore. Yeah, it's... I don't even know anymore either. I don't know if you're putting it on or if it's just...

You just don't know. Either. Yeah. Well, it's in the neighborhood of burlese dancers, which is still our most controversial problem to date. And because of all my canvassing, monkeys... Oh, monkeys. Monkeys are still, monkeys are actually in the positive territory just by a little bit. So this is right around the neighborhood of burlesque dancers and monkeys.

So, yeah, pretty controversial problem, but still a problem nonetheless. And then terrorism, which I really am disappointed that it was as highly voted because I don't think it's, I mean, it's a problem for sure, right? We spend a lot of money on it, but just in the grand scale things in terms of deaths. Here's what you're missing, though. It's not about deaths. This is a comment I brought in specifically about this from Deus X. Machina. When Maddox says that influenza is a bigger problem than terrorism because it kills more people, he misses the bigger problem that Dick seems to recognize.

It's not the number of deaths. It's the resultant fear and terror that is now an inherent part of our lives. I 100% agree with that. Right. Well, I'm not disagreeing that we have a fear of terrorism. I'm disagreeing that we should have a fear of terrorism. We shouldn't. Especially in the United States,

The number of terrorist deaths that occur per year in the United States is hovering around zero. But the fear's there. Right. We shouldn't. That's why I'm saying we shouldn't have that fear. I'm not saying the fear doesn't exist. I'm saying the fear shouldn't exist. But this isn't a problem of whether or not things should exist. This is terrorism is a huge problem because it's taken over our lives.

Dick, that's it. You're basically saying terrorism is a big problem because terrorism is a big problem. Because it works. Because it works. A small acts of violence, random violence, or orchestrated random violence, causes huge amounts of terror. Right. That's just the way it is. Right.

But do you understand why I'm saying that it shouldn't be a problem? Yes. Specifically, we are, we vote. Everybody, the listeners collectively voted it up as a problem. Yes. That's because we're afraid of it, but we shouldn't be. The stats that you brought in last episode proves that we shouldn't be afraid of terrorism. That's true, but you have to deal with what?

is. Yep, that's right. Not what should be. Tell me what I have to deal with Sean. If only everyone was as level-headed and logical as you, but they're not. That's the reality of it. Uh, correct. All right. I brought in a great email from an actual counter-terrorism expert.

Oh, well, yeah, let's hear it. Oh, no, it's gigantic. I'm going to get to it before we get to the problems, but he goes like point for point. He's actually on the ground fighting terrorism, I guess. And he goes through all of our points, point by points. It's great email. Wow, great. Okay, can we hear it? Dick, I have an announcement to make.

This is a pretty big announcement. It's something I've been waiting to talk about. It's been in the works for a few months. You're transitioning to Maddie Locks. Yep, Vanity Fair cover next month. No, with the beard. No, gentlemen. I'm a game show host.

Oh, okay. What's the announcement? No, for real. This is obviously you know Dick and Sean. I tell you guys, but this is something the listeners don't know, but I'm a game show host now, and I've been filming in Las Vegas. I'm going to be there for another three weeks on set every day,

filming a game show. What's the game show about? The game show. First of all, let me ask you something. What are your inspirational game show figures? Me personally, me personally, wink Martindale. Wink Martindale. Huge, huge game show icon.

What was the, he did the $10,000 pyramid? What did he do? He did them all. He did them all and he was amazing at all. And here's another aside. Yeah. I had the pleasure of seeing Wink Martindale introduce Donald Trump at the Trump rally that I went to with my life coach last week. But please, go ahead.

Who are your game show icons? Wink Martindale. That's funny because I got compared to Wink Martindale when I was on set. What? Why? I don't know. I don't know. I don't, in fact, I'm thinking of Wink Martindale shows and nothing comes to mind.

I don't remember anything else down my head. They're old ones, they're old ones, right? Anyway, what game shows do you like? I love, I love the original family feud. I didn't like the era of family feud with, what's his name, Louis Anderson, yeah, not a big fan of him. I'm back on board with Steve Harvey. Yeah.

I like him. I think Drew Carey's doing an all right job, but the price is right. Bob Barker is my man. You know what? I went to a taping of the Price is Right with a girlfriend who is a nightmare. She was like a toddler, like a 30-year-old toddler. Is it anyone I know? It's the supermodel.

You know exactly. It's the supermodel who had electrical powers. Oh. Yeah, Magneto. Supermodel Magneto is her name. She had electrical powers. Yeah. I don't know how open she was about it, but she says she had them.

Anyway, Drew Carey loves the Price's Right show. like during the breaks he'll talk to the audience and break with them and try to build up the show but the producers on that show keep him on such a tight schedule because they got to cram product placements in yeah that he none of that comes across on the show because i was a big critic of his when he took over he's like he got no heart in it but i was wrong well same thing with bob barker i was fortunate enough to see bob barker before he retired i went to one of the last tapings of his show and in between the commercial breaks he was on fire he was so He was killing it, killing it.

And none of that ever appears on the program because they run a really tight ship over there. And that's actually what I've learned with this game show that I'm doing right now. Not like this show. No tight ships at all. You mean the biggest problem? Yeah. Yeah. No.

Don't worry. We'll edit it. So what are you learning with your experience? Yeah, so I've learned what a huge production this thing is. It's unbelievable. I saw on the list there's something like, I don't know, five or ten producers on there. I thought, why do we need so many producers? and then I learned...

Seems ridiculous, right? Right, it seems. You're making a TV show. You get a camera and a guy and a monkey in a suit vis-a-vis you. Why is it this hard? You would think. So the name of the show is Cash Floor. Cash Floor?

Yeah, Cash Forer. It's a trivia game show that takes place in an elevator. But the difference here is with this game show, and I've never seen anything like it. Maybe it exists. I don't know. I'm not... Maybe it's not on my radar. But it's a hybrid between a game show and kind of like a confessional reality

show where you sit down afterwards and you talk with the hosts and you say what did you think of their response? What did you think of their questions, etc.? And then you also do the same thing with the contestants. So they're going to splice that up with their answers during the trivia show. Are you ripping on these people this whole time? Because you're... I mean, some

people have called you critical of small mistakes and people who are not as, you know, not brilliant scientists and mathematicians and such. Are you bringing this energy to the show? Dick, you know I love me. I'm my biggest fan. And I cannot say that... I I can say with absolute confidence that they picked no better host to have for this show because I ripened them so hard.

And also, I've finally been for the first time in my life on the other end where you can say a little snide remark at somebody. And because they don't know you, they're trying to be polite and they're too afraid to give you a little rejoinder. Oh, that's good. Yeah. That's a good position to be in. I'll make really subtle backhanded compliments and comments in the elevator. and then I can see their faces, you know, their faces scrunch up a little bit.

Like they want to say something back, but they don't. And it makes me so happy. Look, but the game show, it's a trivia show on an elevator with these confessionals afterwards. It's a lot of fun. And it's called Cash Floor.

Cash Floor. Okay, let me go ahead. Yeah, and I'm doing it with my beautiful co-host, Sarah Hollins. Sarah may be listening to it. How do you spell that? No, no, no, no. Age? No age or an age?

We're going on. Hollins? Hollins? This is going to get creepy. So what were you going to say? Sarah, get ready for a Facebook request. Oh, boy. You don't know.

Okay. I was going to say cash floor, I mean, no offense, but that sounds like a blatant rip-off of a game show called Press Your Luck. Go ahead. I don't even want to address it. Obviously. Makes up the bonus round as guessing who farted in the elevator. No, nothing like it.

All right. We've got something cool. You got a gift in the mail. Guy Philip Rushik sends me an email asking for the blender files that Maddox created your masterpiece of Sonic. You remember when you were putting on classes on... What was that on your Twitch stream?

Yeah. Of how to 3D render? Right. About a month ago, I did a live broadcast of my Twitch stream on how to do a 3D render of Sonic the Hedgehog. I did a tutorial and I got shit on by my fans. And it was awful. It was not awful.

It was not awful. It was disgusting. Look, I was not... That's 50% there, and you guys shit all over it. So this guy requested the 3D files that I sent to you, Dick. And then he said, this is what I'm holding in my hand. He 3D printed your god-awful, retarded 3D rendering of Sonic the Hedgehog. And it looks, surely now what I'm holding in my hand,

you would describe as a monstrous abortion. Dick, that is beautiful. I would put that on my car as a hood ornament. It looks like, it looks like Sonic that... Like, it looks like something that went through that the hell dimension and event horizon. Okay, what I'm holding in my hand is a really cool Sonic the Hedgehog head. And what's so brilliant about this sculpture is that it's almost completely symmetrically round. Like Sonic gets when he rolls into...

You almost got it round. It looks like a light bulb. Like, it looks like a weird saucer-shaped light bulb. No, you know what it looks like? It looks like a punk rock version of a who. With a little upturned nose, doesn't it? Yeah, you're right. Fuck you, Sean.

It looks like something Dr. Seuss drew after he had a stroke. You're right. Or if he didn't have a stroke, I don't think. But it looks like something he would have drawn every other stroke. You know what, assholes? I don't need this shit from you. You guys can't 3D model dick. I mean...

Neither can you, though. Yeah, I can't. Here's the thing. If you stop Van Gogh in the middle of a painting, right? You stop Vincent Van Gogh. First of all, awful choice of artists. Go ahead. Okay.

If you stop Michael Angelo. In the middle of him painting the Sistine Chapel, I guarantee it looks just like that Sonic the Hedgehog. Yeah. Unfinished. Somehow your art looks more gay than Michelangelo. That's what I'm saying. Gay, Michael. The only painted men.

That is never a criticism I've seen in any art history books that Michael Angel's artwork was gay. That's not a criticism. at all. That's not a criticism. Just that's what you're suggesting is illegal. First of all, it's not a criticism. It's a critique. Let's just say it's a critique. It's an observation. It's an observation. When I see two men in an embrace, my first thoughts are, is that gay or what? What's going on here? And then I learned that he had to paint male models. Yeah. That's what he did. No, you see what you want to see, Dick. All right. I got a comment. I got a comment from Matt Krugge, at Krugler on Twitter. He says, uh, Maddox, condoms. So he put in

condoms in a quote. He says, the female orgasm and condoms. When will Dick Masterson just bring in the umbrella problem of I can't stay hard? That's a erectile dysfunction it's called, sir, is a big problem. I'll bring that in at some point. I don't, I'm not ashamed to bring in sexual failures. I'll bring in sexual conquests and failures. They're both a part of life. That's true. I also got a comment. This is another long one before we get to the terrorism one. I want to hear about that counterterrorism expert. This one's from Dracula.

He sent me an email. This is a really poignant email, actually. He sent this to me about episode 67, and I got so much mail about episode 67. Which one was that? That was the one about self-defeating thoughts. Oh, yeah. In episode 67, we talked about self-defeating thoughts.

He says, Maddox, I have been an ardent enthusiast of your site since around 2000, and I will say that you are a genius. Recently, I stumbled across the biggest problem in the universe, and not only is it the funniest show I have ever heard, but I have found the show to be inspiring. The episode where you pitched self-defeating thoughts, as the biggest problem, was eye-opening for me and actually made me realize it was the root of a lot of problems

I've had from careers to relationships. Your insightful dialogue inspired me to stop holding myself back and pursue my dreams. When you opened up about your own personal depression in your 20s, it blew me away to hear someone I consider to be a comedic hero to become a real person. I have struggled with depression my whole life and currently have been going through the hardest time in my life,

and your podcast has kept me laughing the entire time. You bring laughter, thought, and inspiration to the masses. Thank you for being Maddox, Dick Masterson, and Sean. Cheers. Yes. Dracula. See, it matters whose life you're saving, right? Like, when Dracula writes in and says you've encouraged him to go out and fulfill his dreams, it's not such a great thing.

I thought this one was funny from Diana McKinley. I've been reading all of the comments for the last four shows in Maddox's idiot fan voice. Actually, this voice has infected every facet of my life. Literally every single communication that I received from anyone, Boss's family wife is now narrated in my head by Maddox. No joke, that's exactly what I hear people talk when I read their comments. In my internal monologue, the voice inside my head when I read other people's comments like, Maddox. I'm sorry to tell you like this, but Grandma does.

died. All right, you tease this. Yeah, no, I got a voicemail, though. I'll play some of these. Yo, Dick, how is the woman's orgasm

the biggest problem in the universe? Just because you have a fucking microcosm cock. You can't pleasure a woman. That's why. The show is her biggest problem in the universe. not the biggest joke in the universe.

I'm watching Maddox stream right now. Clearly. I don't know who's as directed to. Well, my microcosm cock, my representative of a much larger sample of cock. Not doing the job. Here you go. Here's one about you. Great.

Hey, Dick. I got a Maddox versus Maddox for you. All right. Maddox criticizes YouTube viewers on their attention span of three to four minutes. when they complained about the live show, but Maddox can't even sit through a goddamn cut scene in a video game? Good job, Maddox, you giant hypocrite. You can literally go fuck yourself with a Wii controller, idiot.

Fuck myself with a Wii controller. Yeah, YouTube. I don't see how that's a contradiction. YouTube audiences have fickle attention spans, and I don't like cutscenes. What's the contradiction there? I don't like cutscenes. I don't know. I think he was just... I don't know.

I don't try to make sense of all the emails. The difference is, dick fuck. Okay, people go to YouTube to watch videos. That's what they're there for. To watch videos that aren't interactive, shithead. When I play video games, that's an interactive medium. And when I'm watching a cutscene, that's ruining the interactivity in the game. It defeats the purpose of a whole fucking video game, you shit.

You're right. You're 100% right. Here's the terrorism email. Cool. And then I've got, oh my God, so much stuff to talk about. I was, did you guys catch my, I have an announcement as well. I was interviewed successfully after a Donald Trump rally I was interviewed on Fox

on my experience with the Donald Dick I saw this clip and it was incredible the only performance better than yours was Donald but you were right up there and keep in mind I had about seven beers in me and the high the euphoric emotion high of just having interacted with the Donald himself.

Yeah. Dick, when are we going to hear this clip? I'll bring it in next week. Next week? I'll tell you more about it next week. I'm going to hold you to it. Next week, you're going to hear that clip, guys. Yeah, okay. Here's the terrorism email. Hey, Dick, love the show. I've been listening to you guys slinging shit on each other since episode five. I don't really think we've been doing that. But I'm also an avid purchaser of the bonus episodes.

The nature of my work. Here's how you know the guy's serious. Have you ever used that phrase? The nature of my work? Yeah. Only blow hard to say that. No, only really tough guys use that phrase. Oh, that's right. Only the nature of my work. Nature of my work. Means I'm not comfortable or able to share my name or specific occupation with you, but I work in the field of counterterrorism with a specific expertise in terrorist recruitment, terrorist operations, and countering violent extremism.

I also have a double master's degree in the terrorism studies and international security fields. I have a few points for you guys, most of which support Dick's argument that terrorism is a big problem. And everyone else's who think it's a big problem. Feel free to read them on the air and fuller in part, but please avoid using my name. Apologies for the long email. Good, good.

As Dick noted, terrorism is a bigger problem than casualty counts. Unlike car accidents and children drowning, terrorism has social, economic, and political ramifications. Terrorism seeks to undermine a government's ability to self-determine its own policies by pressuring it to change these policies, which undermines the very ideas of... How do you say that?

How do you say that word? Sovereignty. Sovereignty? Yeah, sovereignty. And representative governance. It's weird when you have to say a word that you've seen your whole life and you've never had to pronounce it out loud. You always feel like a stupid asshole, but you're like, hey, you know what the word means. I just never said it out loud.

It also seeks to create psychological insecurity on both the individual and societal level. As we've unfortunately seen, terrorists don't need to kill that many people to use this insecurity as a tool to pressure changes in social values, laws, and policy. You guys also ignored the vast amount of attempted attacks that have failed since 9-11 just because we've gotten good at stopping terrorism doesn't mean it's no longer a problem. So that's point number one. Do you agree with any of that? I agree with a lot of what he said, yeah. I do agree that the terrorism that they stop isn't the terrorism that we're hearing about.

If we weren't actively trying to stop terrorism. But I've got some stats on that. I want you to go on with the email. The idea that poverty causes terrorism is long discredited. I didn't know that, but that's what this guy says. said. Dick was right at noting that the problem isn't as clear as Maddox was asserting. Then he's quoting a meta-analysis. Let me try to summarize this. There's no evidence that demonstrates that countries with low levels of economic development, high rates of

unemployment, poor rates of economic growth, high levels of income inequality, and high levels of malnutrition have higher levels of terrorism. It's also not the case that perpetrators of terrorist attacks are more likely to be poor themselves. Terrorism may have some link to poverty, but is in no way clear or as causalismatics suggested. That's interesting. I don't know that. The idea that the U.S. somehow supported bin Laden during the Soviet occupation is a long discredited myth,

which is usually not repeated by people who consider critically thinking. He's on a real rampage against you. Yikes. Well, he said, wait, one more time. He said the idea that the U.S. somehow supported bin Laden during the Soviet occupation is his discredited myth. It's not, it's not to my knowledge. I've read it in multiple sources.

Why is it a discredited myth? I don't know. I don't think bin Laden had anything to do with the 80s versus Russia, did he? He was there in Afghanistan. Was he? Yeah, the people, the Mujahideen that later parts, some factions of them became the Taliban, some of them became al-Qaeda, but they were the ones that we funded in Afghanistan to fight the Soviets. That's where they came from.

I'm going to sum it up here. The lesson of 9-11 was that organized, well-funded, well-established, an undisturbed terrorist, networks are a huge fucking problem when they're left to operate freely within their own territory. They become very effective and sophisticated when they're left to their own devices. I'm not convinced that we're necessarily doing more harm than good by disaggregating formal terrorist networks, even if we're radicalizing lone terrorists and doing so. But he said, ask him any questions that I want. Yeah.

But I don't know. Do you want to ask him anything? I would like to know what's going on over there. Well, so one of the things he mentioned is that poverty does not necessarily correlate to terrorism. I think I did a little bit more research after that last episode, and I think I would agree it's not necessarily the cause of terrorism. It definitely doesn't help since the matters. But the majority of terrorist attacks are not Muslim. That's absolutely a fact.

You think they are, because that's all you hear about. But I have some interesting stats here. This is from the Daily Beast. Overwhelmingly, those who have committed terrorist attacks in the United States and Europe aren't Muslims. So here's some statistics for those interested. This is, again, from the Daily Beast. Let's start with Europe. Want to guess what percentage of the terrorist attacks there were committed by Muslims over the past five years?

Ten. Wrong. It's less than 2%. Oh. Less than 2%. The vast majority of terror attacks in Europe were perpetrated by separatist groups. For example, in 2013, there were 152 terror attacks in Europe, only two of them were religiously motivated

while 84 predicated upon ethno-nationalist or separatist beliefs. Like, for example, we're talking about groups like France's FLNC, which advocates an independent nation for the island of Corsica. In December of 2013, FLNC terrorists carried out simultaneous rocket attacks against police stations in two

French cities, and in Greece, the left-wing militant popular revolutionary forces shot and killed two members of the right-wing political party, Golden Dawn. Even in the United States, I looked into this. So, look at this. Isn't the birth of the United States, like attacking merchants and throwing all their shit in the harbor? Isn't that, like, designed to promote terror?

The Boston Tea Party, you're talking about? Like, we won, so it's not, but kind of. You can make that argument. But also, another interesting thing that I found in doing this research is that most terrorist groups since the 1970s have disbanded not because of military intervention. There's a study, it's by the Social Sciences Research Network, excuse me, the Social Science, Research Network, it says, does military intervention reduce or increase terrorism? And they found that fewer than 7% of all terrorist groups have been disbanded due to military intervention since the 1970s. Most of them disbanded due to ideological reasons or lack of interest, lack of funds, or they

meet their goals. Just like a Dungeons and Dragons group. Just have differences. I'm like, all right, you guys are here for a different reason than me. Yeah, but this is really interesting, this Daily Beast article, I'll bring it in another time with another problem, but they said, one of the worst terror attacks ever in Europe in 2011, when Andrus Breivik, I think is his name, slaughtered 77 people in Norway to further his anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, and pro-Christian Europe agenda.

As he stated in his manifesto, we didn't see any press in the United States about him being a Christian terrorist. I mean, guys, we got to look at the facts here. If you want to, if you want to say terrorism is a big problem, let's look at all terrorism, not just Islamic terrorism. You're focusing on Muslims and Islamic terrorism, but was that...

The point of what we're talking about? We're talking about terrorism. A lot of people, right. You're just preemptively saying that it's not all Muslims. I mean, we all remember the IRA, right? Right, but Dick, I'm talking specifically about some of the comments in the section. There were some real, real bigots in the comment section. I think we're past having to say that it's a very small percentage of Muslims.

It's like we know it's like we know that it's a very small percentage of Jews who are not lawyers, bankers, or comedians. Good point. Good point, Sean. All right, let's get on to our, let's end it with that. Let's get on to our first problem. Right. Can I go first? This is a quick one.

I'm bringing in the artificial scarcity of pretzel bread. Okay. Well, why? Huge fan favorite. I did some research on this, right? Okay. Artificial pretzel bread, to me, because it's been around I found since 610 AD. It is exactly the same as the McRibb, the shamrock shake, and buttermilk biscuit, butterfly

shrimp at Popeyes. It is a seasonal item used to fuck with our emotions. You understand what I'm saying? Big companies are using these ploys pretzel bread, the McRib, shamrock shake, and buttermilk biscuit butterfly shrimp to draw us in to their crappy restaurants and then they pull it away from us. It draws in, go ahead. It's that Black Friday sale on that shitty big screen TV that you think you're going to get for $200.

They get you in the store and then they bait and switch it, sell you some shrimp. Exactly. Yeah, big loss leader. Yeah, big loss leader, the pretzel bun. And it's fucking bullshit. Wendy's came out with their pretzel bread, bacon sandwich, whatever it was, doing amazing, selling in huge numbers, everybody love it. Then they pull it away for no reason, right? According to them, bringing new food ideas to our customers attracts them into our restaurants.

Okay. That said, we have introduced three unique break carriers this year, multi-grained flatbread pretzel and new brioche. these breads elevate the quality of our sandwich offerings, then why yank them away? Why, it's a scam. You see what I'm saying? It's a scam. They're being honest in that statement, though.

They said that these new food offerings bring customers to their stores. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they're being honest. Then why do they yank them away? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So they can keep using it. It's the carrot on a stick, man.

We're the donkeys. It's the cat. No, it's the cat with the string. Yeah. As soon as you give the cat the string, the cat doesn't want the string anymore. You've got to keep yanking it away. Right.

A record 100, and it's catching on. So the emotional ploy of fucking with you with scarcity of pretzel bread is going to get worse. A record 160 pretzel products were released in 2013, whereas only 60 were released in 2009. So why is this a big deal? Like, who cares? The bottom line is... Maddox, if there was any argument against corporations, it's the artificial scarcity of pretzel bread. Okay?

You don't get that at your corner deli. They don't ever stop making one of their favorite ideas. This is a, this is a, this is a, this is a big burger fucking with you. Big burger. This is big burger drawing you into the stores just to get you addicted to their other food and then yanking away the one that you want. Yeah, but isn't, you want to live in that world? Do you want to live in that world?

We already do, and they're called seasonal items, Dick. I get it. Sometimes, like, there's some items that aren't artificially scarce. They're like strawberries, for example. You see them all over fucking salads in California. Anytime you come to California in the summertime, oh, you're going to find a fucking strawberry in your salad. But in the winter time, you don't find strawberries.

You find pears or some other bullshit fruit that they're trying to cram into your fucking salad. Anything but blueberries. But anyway, the pretzel bun is, they said it's a seasonal item. So what's the season? See, the season is low profits. That's the season that the pretzel bun marches around. And they're praying on your, they're praying on this preconception you have about strawberries and avocados and what have you.

It's disingenuous. of all the problems that you don't like because they're disingenuous, this is the disingenuousest. Go ahead, what's your problem? I don't want to take a lot of time. That's it, that's all you got on it. I just wanted to let people vote on it.

All right, fair enough. And if you guys didn't hear the last episode at the tail end of the last episode after the credits, we had a voicemail, this guy who was just incredulous about the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. And he went on, he had some stats, and he called regular pretzels ridiculous.

He said that they're ridiculous. Well, the outside is the best part, which is why I like those pretzel crisps. You ever get those at the store? It's the best part of a pretzel. It's like a two-dimensional pretzel. It's all outside. It's all skin. Yeah, it's all good.

Yeah. Sean likes the skin. The other stuff is just like bleached flour. It's tasteless. You didn't like the snacks I provided today. You do have bullshit pretzels. You have the worst mouth snacks ever in the show. Every time before this show, your gracious host.

You're gracious. Your gracious host, Maddox, pulls open his cupboards and rummages through, getting all the snacks ready for the show. Today we have pretzel nuggets and peanuts. The two peas, the two notorious peas of snacking. All right, what's your problem? All right, guys, I got a real problem, also food related. Stonewall vegans. Stone walled?

Stonewall vegans. Stonewall vegans. What context do you mean stonewall? They stonewall you. Okay. Stonewalling. Stonewalling vegans. We'll phrase it like that. Stonewalling

Vegans. All right. Important. Okay, thanks for the Jared. Here we go. Guys, vegans are like a moth to a flame when it comes to ruining fun. They can't help themselves. They see fun and they want to zero in on it and fucking end it.

They want to destroy it. Scorched Earth policy when it comes to fun. Veganism isn't an ideology. It's a police state. They constantly comb over menus and restaurants to see if there's anything that they can eat. And if they don't find what they want, they force the entire group to go somewhere they want to eat. They're food terrorists. Yeah, they do.

They do do that. They're the terrorists of the dining world. Even when they say they're not doing it, they're doing it. They're doing it. First of all, guys, stop saying you can't eat things. You can. You just won't. All right?

When you change the words, I can't to I won't, you'll finally realize what a crybaby bitch you sound like. Yeah. That's true. It's not like you physically can't eat the food. We all have the same basic physiology dickheads. You aren't special. You won't eat it.

Just at least acknowledge that. Yeah. Just at least. at the very least just say I won't eat it so you sound like the asshole that you are. Yeah, yeah, I 100% agree with that. You're being a big baby-back bitch about it. I have ended relationships based on that distinction.

Yeah. Like, oh, I can't apologize. Like, well, you can't or you won't? Like, just say you won't. Just say you won't and admit being a selfish asshole. Like, that's it. It's a very small difference, but it shows what you think.

Right. That your principles are more important than anything else. Absolutely. And then what? What did you say to that? You almost stumped me on that one, Sean. Good job, Sean. You almost stumped me.

Guys, if there's nothing you want to eat at a restaurant that an entire group of people want to go to, then eat before you go out. I don't know, I don't care. Carry some twigs and berries with you or sticks or dirt. Just eat grass. It's all over the place. Like a dog. Like whatever your stupid diet is, eat that before and then go out with your friends.

Or eat afterwards. Or just stay the fuck home. You're not that fucking special. We don't need you that badly. Don't be such a raging fucking asshole to everyone around you because of your shitty fucking diet. We don't care. We don't want to hear about it. Don't make your fucking diet my problem.

Dick, I got a story about this. Yeah, fuck panda bears too. What do you talk about you? Well, the assholes of the animal kingdom. Vegetarians, all they want. Oh, yeah, they're huge vegetarians. You can't take a panda anywhere with you. Sack up panda bears.

Here comes Maddox, riding in on an ideological wave down your throat. Listen, man, I got a story. A friend of mine recently was apoplectic. She sent me an email because she was going out with some friends for a nice dinner. They all agreed on a very famous, delicious restaurant in downtown L.A. Which one? It's Beacon Mercat. You can look up the Yelp reviews.

Read it. It's just four and a half stars, five stars. It's just glowing reviews. I've been there. All I want to see is the dollar signs. Four sold. Let's go. Going to be delicious.

What a sucker. Anyway, this place is an incredible restaurant. So they have this menu on it that has, it's basically tapas style. So if you're going to a restaurant with a vegan or a vegetarian or a picky eater, the best case scenario is that it's tapas. Because then they can pick and choose, whatever the fuck, a little twig of leaf from this thing, or a beat, a dice of beet from another dish. Who cares?

Yeah, but then they're going to talk about every choice they're making. They've got to peruse each one, like they're running quality control at the asshole factory. Right? Let me see that play. Um, then they got to ask about it. They got to ask the waiter the embarrassing questions. Like, tell me how this was prepared so that I may bust you in a perceived mistake. Instead of, tell me how this was prepared so that I might enjoy it more.

Right. So that it might be more succulent to me. so I can enjoy these senses in my body that God gave me to use. Right. No, it's not that, Dick. They're not asking to enjoy. They're asking to break down, to critique. That's all they're asking for.

They want to find flaws in the food so they can make a big issue about it, so they can showboat about their big fucking, their special dietary needs. Their quote unquote personality, because that's what they're fabricating. Right. It's so fucking annoying. So a bunch of people, there were five of them in this group, all four of them in an email chain, were saying, yeah, that sounds great, let's do it. How's seven? Seven's great.

Let's do it. Oh, my gosh. Five people all go into a restaurant. They are all available at the same time, on the same day. Perfect. Except this one lone, solitary blowhard bitch. Sends an email and says, hey, guys, I looked over the menu. I looked over the menu.

And there aren't any vegan options. So, um, we should go someplace else. No. Yeah. To four other people, grown adults. And so someone wrote back and said, well, they do have vegan options on the menu. Why don't you just order those things? And she said, well, because there's only a couple and I'll be hungry.

Oh, my God. So, so then this email thread went on. Cut her right off the chain. Yeah, cut her off the chain. That's it. Stay home. Weekest link. There you go.

You're the one getting eaten by lions. pushed out the door. And by the way, this is a dinner plan made in advance, right? You know that this dinner plan's occurring. If four other people are going to this restaurant, don't just plan ahead and eat before. If you know that there's nothing you want to eat,

I'm not going to say nothing you can't eat, but nothing you want to eat on this menu, then fucking eat at home and then show up and grab a fucking drink and shut up. If you want to be there... That's the point. Yeah. That's the point of the dinners,

have a nice evening with friends. Have a nice evening with friends. I can eat alone. I can eat oatmeal every day forever and just feed calories into my system, but I would like to enjoy life a little bit more than that. Exactly. You already have a tremendous amount of work. You already have a tremendous amount of things working against you to set up a dinner.

You don't need another one. Right. Absolutely. So someone said, well, if you want, we can call the restaurant and see if there are any other vegan options or if they can make a dish vegan. So she did just that. She called the restaurant. Are you kidding me?

Left a voicemail. A voicemail. The most inconsiderate type of mail that you can leave to someone is a voicemail. Yeah. So you... No, that's true. I'd rather have a mail bomb than a voicemail. Oh, right.

At least a mail bomb gives you the courtesy of ending your life. At least there's a pay. Yeah. Instead of listening and fucking recording. Yeah. Finally. Yeah. So she calls and leaves a message for the manager.

Oh. Get a call back. And this is what he's doing on this poor bastards's day. And it's L.A. Yeah. So you know that he's got like... a hundred of these voicemails waiting for him when he gets in. And they're overwhelmed.

A fucking travis thief. This restaurant is packed all the time. They have a list. They have a waiting list. You have to make reservations. You're always waiting for this restaurant. You're lucky if you get a seat. She left a voicemail for this poor manager.

He calls back and she asks him if they can modify ingredients in some of the recipes that they have on the menu. To just leave out the meat? Or is she vegan? Vegan. Which means no butter. Which means no honey. which means no animal products whatsoever.

No gelatin. Why is it no honey? Bees like making honey. Yeah, well, they view it as oppression of the bees or something. It's like saying, I don't drink piss. Yeah. Like, well, it comes from an animal so they don't put it in their bodies. But they're okay with, you know, a lot of them are okay with driving in their leather cars.

Of course. Their leather seat cars. So she calls, she talks to the manager and the manager says, no, I'm sorry. We don't have alternate ingredients to put into the stuff. We have chefs. It's a very busy kitchen. these ingredients. I'm sorry, but these are the options that you have. I don't have the authority

to do that. I'm just a guy working a job. Like, I'm just a guy who's here because I have to be, you stupid bitch. Just like everybody in the world, I'm here because I have to do this. Please don't fuck with me today. Yeah. Like, I didn't build

this restaurant. I didn't make the menu. Those people make another zero above me. Like, I don't have the authority to do what you're asking. Right. And even if he did, do you really want to inconvenience the entire fucking kitchen? I mean, this isn't an allergy that you have. This isn't some life

threatening thing that you have. You don't have fucking celiacs disease, which most people don't. Fuck off with a gluten thing. Yeah, the life-no, the life-threatening illness that they have is having no personality. It sucks to be normal in a world run by reality TV. So you got to gin up that personality real quick.

Right. It sounds like this person is drastically overestimating the value of her company. Oh, I'm so fucking lutee, Sean. Ding, ding, ding, That's the fucking amen to that, dude. That's exactly what this is. She's overestiming the value of her company to this dinner party. So she talks to the manager, and the manager says, look, there are three options on the menu.

They're like, you know, a flat bread with lettuce on it. They said we can remove the cheese. It's like a rugla on a flat bread. What do you want? What do you want us to do, lady? We don't have whatever fucking crazy shit that you have. So she writes back to the email thread and says, hey, guys, I just got off the phone with the manager. I was ready to write a really nasty Yelp review.

Of course. She was ready to write to ruin their business because this bitch doesn't, they don't cater to you? Do we go to fucking vegan restaurants and write nasty reviews because they don't have meat options, you bitch? Like, we're not doing that. We're not going to vegan restaurants and saying, oh, there weren't enough meat options.

Don't go to a normal restaurant and expect them to cater to your picky fucking beliefs. Yeah. So anyway, she's like, Oh, I was about to write a review, but the manager was really nice, but they still don't have any options. So then...

Please write that review. Don't cater to vegans. Sign me up. I'll be there. I want to make a restaurant called no vegans. Yeah. Don't fucking come to my restaurant. I don't care.

So she wrote this thread, and then she suggested she had... She simply... Excuse me, she didn't suggest any other restaurants. She wanted everyone else in the email thread to do the heavy lifting of finding a restaurant that she can eat at. She said, we should go to a different restaurant, but didn't suggest any.

Oh, just stay home. Now, at this point, why you even want to go out to dinner with this woman? Oh, yeah. Like, this is a, I don't ever want to talk to her again, right? Like, guys, never mind, I'm out, I'm staying home, I'm going somewhere else. I'm doing anything else with my life than hanging out with this person. Like, how many problems can she run into every day? How many, how many assholes does she run into every day?

Probably a couple, right? Surprise, surprise. Surprise, surprise. If you're always running into assholes, guess what? You're the asshole. So she, so somebody on the email thread says, well, look, you have a problem with this place. Why don't you suggest something?

And so she suggests a vegan Indian. Yep. She suggests a vegan Indian restaurant. They always try to slide that in too, because it's always Indian. Like, oh, it's a really nice place. It's like, yeah, yeah, is it an Indian vegan place?

Yeah, it's an Indian vegan place. A bunch of rice. Yeah. A bunch of beans. Awesome. You know, like, lentils. Cool. Yeah.

I'm going to just suck on lentils all night. My fancy dinner out. So one of the people in the thread. Sick cross-legged? Yes. Sick cross-legged and rip up a big tortilla. Sucking on lentils. You bitch!

You bitch! So then she says this email, so you suggest this, this vegan Indian restaurant And one of the people in the thread says I'm I'm literally going there The night before

I have reservations the night before Is there any other place And she said well you know It's a pretty good place And so So this lady says That's fine You know what?

I'm not going to be the stick in the mud You're the stick in the mud I'll go eat there twice in a row Just so you can fucking Join us for this dinner Yeah This this my friend, the one who

started this email thread. I would love if this was secretly a story about your mom. And you're like, and the woman was my mom. Oh, no, man. Yeah. So this email, this email thread was started by this woman.

And she said, you know what? Fine. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll cowtow to you because you're the biggest cry baby. And she didn't even send a big thank you email to everyone saying, guys, thank you for accommodating or any of that. shit. She felt entitled

to being this much of a pain in the ass. This woman. Yeah. She's on a mission from God. Can't. Can't. She can't eat it. It's not won't. It's can't. Can't. Can't. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. It's not that you won't, bitch. It's a morality clause. See, everybody's got

that sick can't in them. They just arbitrarily pick what they assign it to. Right. That's what I think. Anybody's like, oh, well, I'm so evolved. I'm above that. But Oh, you know, I'll ruin some people's night Just because I want to eat

I want a bigger selection of beans Yeah Like, well, you're a piece of shit And that's all it is It's just a bigger selection of beans For you to fucking eat You could have eaten at that other restaurant They had options, just nothing you wanted

Yeah I'll bring a pocket full of hay you horse face bitch You chew on this While we're all having a good time at the meatery Yeah, eat some dirt Say how do you think that would go over And then just say, just kidding Yeah

You started with no offense, and then... No offense, yeah. If you say no offense, you're good. You're covered. Dude, I have friends who are Jews and Muslims that don't eat pork. And they still go to restaurants. I'm going to be disappointed about where this is going. That's going to be a great Jew joke coming.

I have friends who are Jews and Muslims, a whole baby. Now, they still... Look, man, I've been to restaurants with Jews and Muslims that serve pork. You know what they do? They simply don't order it. They don't make it a big fucking deal. They don't care if you order it. You can eat it.

I even went to a restaurant with a... a Buddhist one time, to a Chinese restaurant, and it was Christmas dinner, and part of the Christmas dinner was, it was a fixed course menu. They brought out this huge, delicious Chinese soup,

and it had beef in it, and he's Buddhist. Doesn't eat beef. And you know what he did? Oh, Buddhists are de facto vegetarians? Well, this guy was. Okay. This guy was.

He says he doesn't eat beef. Excuse me, he was not Buddhist. He was Hindu. That's right. There we go. There we go. Yeah. More honest.

Yeah. That makes more sense. So he says he doesn't eat beef. but you know what he did? He just picked up a scoop of vegetables from the soup and then just ate the vegetables. Didn't make a big fucking deal out of it. He's like, yeah, I'm not going to eat the beef.

And I know that some of the beef broth is in the soup, but whatever. You're not changing the world by not eating the beef broth. Whatever God you believe in isn't going to be sitting there tallying a total of all the molecules of beef you ate, you fucking idiots. I mean, he might be. You don't know that. Or she might.

be. Okay. Anyway, Dick, I have a YouTube video here. I have a YouTube video from a vegan. I just looked on YouTube, I said why should I become a vegan, right? Here's one of the first things that come up. Listen to this. This is from the YouTube channel. It's fluffy...

Why don't you just call this vegans? Huh? Why don't you just call this vegans? Vegan. Instead of stonewalling vegans. Stonewalling vegans. Because I have a few, very few, but I have a few vegan friends who aren't stonewalling vegans. They're the ones that they come to dinner, and they don't make it They don't make their dietary needs your issue.

Okay. But they're very few. So here's one from YouTube. This is why you should become a vegan. The channel is fluffy pink glam. Here we go. Great. Eating meat, dairy, fish, cheese is just not right.

The first thing is the moral aspect. Uh-oh. I mean, if you think about it, it's kind of crazy that the humans think that animals are just here for our needs. Yeah. You know, to give us their body, their life. So she's talking about herself. Yeah. Yeah.

So animals are here. So you think it's okay to kill plant life. You think it's okay to kill plant life. Plants are living creatures. Plants are living beings. They've done studies that show plants. They feel. They feel pain.

They react. They even emit sound when they're being killed. Yep. Plants are living creatures. So it's okay. for you to kill plants but not animals, right? You're fine with killing plants because they don't have a face. You can't relate to plant life.

You're a speciist. That's what you are. There's also pescatarian stonewallers. Yeah. There's a whole gradiation of... How's that? What do you mean? Well, they only eat fish. Oh, the pescatarian stonewallers?

Yeah. Yeah. Same thing. Yeah, basically. Just throw fish on there. Yeah. But I've never gone to a restaurant where a pescatarian stonewaller, someone was stonewalling me because they didn't have fish on the menu, they'll eat something else.

I mean... Well, your friends are fucked, so I'm sure you'll get there eventually. Yeah, that's true. In one of these emails. Yeah, well, this is from... I think I saw this on... Yeah, this is from WebMD. A vegan diet isn't healthy.

It's from the July issue of the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, Clinical Nutrition. German researchers tracked 174 apparently healthy people living in Germany and the Netherlands. They found that 92% of the vegans they studied, those who ate the strictest vegetarian diet, which shuns all animal products, including milk and eggs, had vitamin B12 deficiencies, which leads to heart disease and stroke. Yeah.

And these are people, especially vegan mothers who are breastfeeding, their children are usually malnourished because they don't get enough B12. Guys, stop doing this. You don't need to do this. If you want to abstain from meat for whatever fucking goofy reasons you want, fine But don't

At least drink a cup of milk If you drink a cup of milk Or eat an egg You'll get all the B12 you need And you don't have to be such a staunch Fucking idiot about it That supermodel Magneto That I dated, remember

She would also not get red meat At In and Out And she would always eat My burger What? She would always take bites off of my Triple Triple

And out the hamburger fast food place She wouldn't order it herself because she saw a cow at some point in her. I don't know, she saw a baby cow and she couldn't imagine killing them anymore. Yeah. But she would lay into mine with that thin supermodel jaw

and chew right through it, making my hamburger refuse that I now have to eat. Yeah. It's like smokers who only bum cigarettes. Yeah. It's like one of those woodbores. They just bore a hole right through your burger

with that needle mess. I'm like, what the hell am I supposed to eating that? And now I'm eating something. Now I'm eating, now my lips are touching something that have almost touched my own dick, you know? Her lips are eating my burger. This is what I'm thinking now and I'm trying to enjoy my hamburger. Wait a minute, how far away am I from having my own dick in my mouth, right? Yeah.

Because she's touched it a lot all the time. Oh, yeah. This relationship lasts a long time for a reason. And now I'm touching that same thing with my mouth. It's disgusting. I got a story about that. I have a friend who, I know she loves to lick bot holes.

Like, that's her thing. Oh, my God. She likes to lick guys' buttholes. That's her thing. And I found out one day that she was dating one of my friends, and we all went to a restaurant, and I ordered a giant, I ordered a giant pink lemonade, sat down, ready to... Infantilism? Yeah.

It was delicious. It's refreshing. Yeah. So we sat down. I'm waiting for my burger, my giant pink lemonade, haven't even taken a sip yet. She goes, oh, can I try? And she took a sip from my lemonade,

my fresh brand new lemonade. And I just sat there looking at that straw and thinking about her licking my friend's butthole. And I swear to God, I didn't take a single sip of my giant lemonade. Did you explain it? You didn't send it back to get another one? No.

You didn't try like a... I was done. I don't... I have a cold? Something like that? Lost my appetite. Didn't want it. Didn't want it.

I didn't want any more lemonade. And I told some of my friends and they knew they all looked down the table at me to see if I would. It was kind of like a ticking time bomb. They were all watching me nervously if I was going to take a sip. And I didn't fucking touch that lemonade. Did you fake them out? A little leaning in? Like, ah, guys, make them throw up in the corner?

No, because I was afraid if I took a whiff of that strong. with that residual butthole on it, I would throw off. Yeah, you made the right call. Anyway, man, that's my problem. Stonewalling vegans. I had a big altercation. Well, not big.

I had an altercation with a guy with a stonewalling vegan at Burning Man. What? Let's hear this. So, I mean, real quick. So you know we were doing soup flavored blankets out in the desert, like a mile outside of the man

where there's nothing around. People say you're... What was the section, by the way? Where were you guys located? 1230 and a mile. So you go to the man, you go point up at 1230 where there's nothing. There's a big wedge taken out, like Pac-Man's mouth, and you go up a mile, and there was us.

Okay. And smart asses are, like, the ignorant are like you're giving out hot soup in the desert. What are you guys, assholes? It's like, it's the desert shithead. It gets to, like, 40 degrees out there. It's freezing. We save people's lives. People who've never been to the desert have no idea what it's like at night.

Yeah, Google it. So this fucking asshole, a bunch of, we built a giant cracker box, and we're giving out hot soup. We're giving out soup all night. Like, we're not running. a soup stand and selling soup. You don't do that. You just, you come up, you tell us, we're running a show out there. You tell us a little story, you know,

we flirt with you a little bit. A four guys came up and I made them sing, they had no jokes or anything, they were foreigners. I made them sing the national anthem to like Istanbul or something, wherever they were from. It's cute, cute stuff, right? Big activity. Funny, yeah. So, my buddy Pete is manning the booth

talking to some beautiful girls because they're all beautiful out there. Pete's a very nice guy. They are! I mean, you don't think on average the girls that you see in the pictures at Burning Man are more beautiful than, and this is coming from guys who live in L.A. You go outside of L.A.

And it looks like a nightmare. Oh, Dick. No, I don't think so. Tinder is a Rokes Gallery outside of L.A. No, no. The first time I heard about Burning Man was, what, like back in like 97, something like that. It was a long time ago, right? When it first became a thing. And I anxiously

pulled up Burning Man and all the photos, because I heard that a lot of people run around naked out there. I'm like, oh, sweet, I get my dick out. I'm ready to, I'm ready to have a... Okay, that's a mistake number one. Getting the dick out first. To rub one out.

I'm ready. I'm prepared, right? I'm ready to rub one out to these hot chicks at Burning Man. Oh, weird. Everything was just like orangutans, man. Just saggy, saggy boobs, dusty, dirty. You're insane. Those, the women out there are beautiful. Matted hair.

All right. Anyway, Pete's talking to a couple of these orangutans. And this guy... This fucking lunatic runs up, cuts the line. We got a 40-minute line because people want this soup. He goes, hey, do you have any vegan options? So my buddy Pete just kind of looks at him. Again, nice guy.

He's like, hey, you know, yeah, we got a lot of stuff. Like, we got a huge assortment of soup in here. You'll just have to see. Right. Yeah. So he goes again, well, yeah, but I don't know, I don't want to waste my time waiting in line and not get a good vegan option when I get up here.

And this is now, you're just, fucking with my buddy's game, right? You're fucking with everybody's good time now. Right. Because he doesn't want to waste his precious time waiting in line. So I stand up and make, well, we got hot water. There you go. Is that vegan enough for you?

Yeah, asshole. Well, you know, so he's like, look, look, look, look. The guy goes, well, you don't have to be an asshole about him. He goes, well, you're being the asshole. Right. You're being the asshole. Just let me get back to these people. Right.

You are most certainly being the asshole. So he continues. What do you got? I'm like, well, we got water. You know, we got water, but I want to make this perfectly clear. When you get up here, you're getting none of it. Like, you are getting absolutely, if we have a vegan option, I'll dump it out on the fucking floor before I give it to you. And it turned into this whole thing.

You know how bro downs go. Yeah. It's like, oh, bro, you know, I just want to, let's just have a drink. And I'm not fucking drinking with you, man. Yeah. I don't want to drink with you. I don't want to do anything with you ever. Get the fuck out of here.

Right. And this little Asian girl goes, so what gave you guys the idea to do a soup stand sitting there I look at her like I've got daggers shooting out of I've got blood shooting out of my eyes or you know my ears wherever it's shooting out of

I'm like you know what thank you very much for I'll answer your question and try to tone down the psychopathy but it just ruin everybody's time they're so entitled he doesn't want to waste his time by the way at the desert where he has nothing but time waiting for free food that nobody's in

He's not entitled. Vegans, you're not entitled to anything. Eat it or don't. Don't make your issue everyone else's issue. Look, they were already kind enough to turn and stop what they're doing to answer your stupid question, which you could have found out just by standing around for a minute and seeing what options people get. Or just wait in line to talk to people. Yeah, just wait in line.

That's the whole point in why you do you do. What are you doing in the desert? Where do you have to be? Where do you have to be in the fucking desert at Burning Man? I don't know. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit harries.com and use the promo code, biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Biggest problem. It's two words, no spaces. Right. That's it.

And we'll link to it on our website. Use the link on our website. You don't have to type anything. We've made it easy for you. Yeah, make sure it works. There's people in the comments who are saying it doesn't work, but you make sure it works by going to harris.com and using the promo code biggest problem. Save $5 off your first purchase. Harries.com was started by two guys passionate about creating a better shaving experience. That's what I want passion from. A shaving experience, not about not eating meat. Yeah. Why can't you be passionate about something good? Yeah, Harry's are as passionate about razors as these jackasses are about their not eating meat fetish.

Yeah. They bought the Blade Factory in Germany. Everyone knows that. But they've cut out the middleman so they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. I'm using mine. I'm still using mine. Yeah. I think I might be on the last blade. You got a new one? I got new ones, yeah, finally. Why don't you tell me, I would have tried to milk these guys for a free razor?

Yeah, we should We'll talk to them. We should do that, actually. We should get some new razors. And I think our listeners will be glad to know. We have verified this. The blades are 100% vegan. So eat those.

It just, it makes me so insane, these people. I don't know where it comes. It's the entitlements part of it, but the total lack of awareness. It's the total lack of awareness. of awareness. I'm like, you, you personally, you are destroying the world. Like, I blame them for everything that's wrong because of the lack of awareness. You know what I mean? Yeah, that ideology is pretty, uh, that lack of self-cognizance is a real big problem. What's it was on?

The most underrated part of the hairy shave kit is the after shave. Really? Yeah. Do you use aftersave? I never really have, but I do with that. It's, it smells great. It works. It's like really cooling. I never have either because I want my natural smell. No, you should wear it. This smells just like this show. It smells like alcohol and tears. All right. That's probably not true. That's a good scent.

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All right. You ready for my problem? Yeah, I was here. Paralysis. Paralysis? Yeah. All right. You remember our discussion last week about Christopher Reeve, right?

I do. Well, I still disagree with that. So I did some research. What specifically do you do? disagree with. So you don't, I don't want to put words in your mouth. You have some kind of problem with Christopher Reeve. Right. Right. Right. Is that fair to say? Yeah, essentially. You don't like that he's a celebrity so his affliction gets more attention just because, just because he's a celebrity. Dick, I need to correct you already. Was, was, was, uh, was, was, uh, was, yeah, he was

was a celebrity? Well, I don't know, are you still, still a celebrity if you're dead? I guess you are, Yeah. He was with us. But he got famous while he was alive. I mean, he got his condition, his paralysis guy, famous while he was alive. Yeah, he popularized the cause, right? Yeah, so this guy comments Adam Rathbone. Manix, how is it selfish or assholeish to care about a problem that is literally ruining your life, right? Right.

That's certainly we would agree with that. No? No, I mean, he ignored the argument that I made. He's just talking about Christopher Reeve. How is it selfish? How is he selfish or an asshole? Let's get through the comment, then I'll reply. We have limited time and resources.

You can't be expected to care about every problem in the world. You can't devote your time and money to every problem. Of course, the problems that affect you are going to take priority. Almost, and here's where it's interesting. Almost 1% of the American population alone is paralyzed. I think you quoted 250,000 worldwide. Yeah. And you think that 250,000 worldwide is the number.

and I'm not saying this to throw, like, wrong facts in your face. I'm not interested in that. Why do you think that handicapped parking spots are mandatory? And that dipshit, and that's a whole different thing. Charity exhaustion was also debunked. I didn't know that. And the ALS challenge is credited with a recent breakthrough. So here's what, I read that comment, and I said,

I wonder what the number actually is, right? Yeah. So I said, how many people are paralyzed? Yeah. Because it sucks. I looked it up after that episode, too, to double-check my figures. And what did I find? A study by the Christopher Reeve Foundation saying that 2% of people are paralyzed,

they found like a million more people than previously thought who were paralyzed because they're not coming in for therapy anymore. So they weren't accounted for. That's huge to me because that says to drug companies, hey, you could make more money if you try to help these people. And that's a great incentive. Incentivizing drug companies with money to help a horrible, Like, like, almost life-ending affliction, I would say.

Have you ever been paralyzed? No, thankfully. Have you had to broken anything? Yeah. No, I have not. I've broken my hand or arms or, I've broken something on me almost every year for a while. Like, I've broken my hand and arms than more times than I can count on one hand. Right.

And it fucking sucks. It ruins your life, especially when most of your life is based around typing. Yeah. Like, it's so bad, I wrote a program. So I could type with one hand, like a mirror the keyboard to the other side. I remember that, yeah, yeah. Because they rape you on these accessibility devices. The first thing I did when I came home with a broken hand, I'm like, all right,

let's see how jerking off feels with the wrong hand. Feels kind of weird. That's going to take an adjustment. Gave yourself a stranger. Well, that's what you call that. No, the stranger, I think, is when you sit on your hand and put it to sleep. Yeah, but it's essentially, oh, yeah, you're correct. Yeah, go on.

I gave myself a nighttime liaison. Let's call it that. Okay. Right? I had an affair, right, with the wrong hand. Wrong hand. And then I'm like, all right, I got to learn how to type with, I got to figure out how typing works with one hand because this dancing around the keyboard, like Fred Astaire, with one hand, is not working.

It's awful. You might as well use a touchscreen. Yeah. It is totally useless. So I'm like, okay, well, I mean, there's a ton of paralyzed, disabled people out there. How hard could it be to get a keyboard for one hand? Maybe I got to use my feet or something like that. Yeah, they have pedals.

Yeah. I type it in $700. I'm like, are you fucking? kidding me, $700 for this hunk of shit? This is, this, you're getting raped. This is a whole, like, you're getting, this is highway robbery. But don't you think that that $700 price tag has more to do with the fact that these companies and manufacturers are pricing it not for the individual, but for insurance companies? Absolutely. Absolutely. Except in a, in the world we're in, insurance doesn't cover everything. Right. Like it'd be nice, they, they're prohibited from selling it at a

reasonable amount because of insurance companies. Well, they just want to make more money. Let's not say that they're prohibited. Some people are not always... Some people are altruistic in this world, Dick. I know you don't believe that. No, no, no, no, no. Because you only get a percentage of your insurance claim. So, they're pricing it so that the percentage they get back is the actual amount that's

the fair price of the thing. Like, if they charge 700 bucks for it, an insurance company only reimbursed is 20%, then they're getting 140 bucks, which to me is a reasonable amount for that keyboard. Right? Like, that's how all, that's how fucked health care is. Yeah. Because they get back and they only get what they get paid reimbursed for. Right.

Like, you're not shelling out the other 80% out of your pocket. Right. Yeah. Anyway. So I'm like, $700. That's fucked. I got to build this myself. Right.

I got to make this shit myself. And that, as inconvenient as that was, that was not the worst part. What was the worst part? Banging a chick. Huh. All right. With a totally useless arm. Oh, I don't.

know about that buddy i can i feel like if i had you know i don't want a broken arm but if i had a broken arm uh-huh i think it would up my game with chicks because i look women love scars and they love injuries so you show them you have oh my hand doesn't work lady uh-huh then they want to they want to sack you right immediately so something about them says i i need a mouth this guy because i broke it by punching out a racist exactly that's why they love it yeah she can help you move the bags of sand off the bed. Shut the fuck up, Sean. Shut your fucking whore mouth, all right?

Tired of the shit. So you get on the bed, right? And then you lay down and you're like, lady, I can't, you know, this is your free pass. This is the get out of jail free card in Monopoly. You lay down and you say, I can't do anything. You're going to have to cowgirl me the whole time. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, do the pogo thing, do the helicopter thing.

You got to do all the moves. All the moves. Let me tell you something. That works exactly one time. Then the rest, you've got, first of all, your dick's getting broken guaranteed. If you're pulling that move, if she's on top and she's got to milk every ounce of pleasure out of that one position,

your dick is definitely getting jackknifed. Oh, that's what I learned very quickly. With this girl, beautiful girl, amazing girl, couldn't hold a conversation to save her life. Yeah. But she could suck a golf ball through a McDonald's straw. Okay.

So I'm like, oh, jackpot, I'm just going to sit, I'm just going to ride this out on my back for the next six weeks. Pretty awesome. This thing, immediate, her understanding of the injury went about as far as my explanation right there. All of a sudden it was, well, the turn, you know, the turn that they give you for you to get on top. Yeah. Constant.

Like, her move was like, oh, but I just, I need to feel it like this. Are you sure your hand is, is it that messed up? Like the dissatisfaction was palpable. So I'm like, this is, now this is the life I would lead. With one paralyzed hand. Yeah. This is the misery that I'm, and thank God it's not permanent for me. Bro, you got...

Her shitty chihuahua is trying to burrow into my taint while I'm doing this. Why are you at her place, man? No, I don't bring girls like that back to my place. Well, you got a dud. You picked a dud. Why are you with this dud who is not accommodating? Come on, me. Please.

Right, only buy stocks that go up, right? No, man. Only date amazing women. Dick, well, you were. have the best tool in dating arsenal out there, which is a money. You have a cast on your hand. You go to the bar and they're just coming to you.

Oh my gosh, are you okay? Poor baby. Kiss kiss, kiss. Next thing you know, you're in Bangtown, buddy. Yeah, I'm telling you, it only lasts so far. And then they're not understanding at all. They don't want to just get on a pommel horse like you're some kind of a broken Sibian and ride you for weeks.

It doesn't work like that. They're real people. Bro, I don't know what kind of chicks you've been dating, but all I've had is the other kind, where they can only get off in one position, and it's always that same position. It's the same thing every single time, and man, I don't even need arms. Whatever. I mean, I get... You know what? You know what?

Okay. Next time, next time you have sex, and I don't want you to tell the person you're having sex with. Yeah. I want you to try to do it without moving your arms. Hmm. Me? Yeah. Me?

Yeah. Next time you have sex, I would like you to try, once clothes are off, I would like you to try to do it without moving your arms. Like crawling in on your feet, on your knees, trying to get it, like, and not calling attention to it. I mean, you can move them a little bit so you don't look like a broken Frankenstein. Well, what about this move? Does this count? Because this is actually happened. Both arms behind your head, like you're sitting back in an office chair, you know, like legs kicked up. You got like a weekend at Bernie's routine. going over here.

Okay, so is your problem again that you... Paralysis, paralysis, paralysis, paralysis. Okay, it's not a dick related. This is what the Christopher Reeve Foundation found. Yeah. A survey of 33,000 households. Nobody's ever done this before. Like, people were just relying on medical records.

Right. See, they found, according to my research, they found four times the amount of paralyzed people. Yeah, huge. That's previously estimated... No, it's not huge. It's $250,000. times four, that's 1.2 million.

That's what, Maddox, that's, that's 2% of America they found. One in 50 Americans is living with some form of paralysis, whether caused by disease, spinal cord injury, or neurological damage. Someone you know is living with paralysis, a family member, a friend, or a work colleague. Yeah. That's huge to me. 5.6 million Americans live with some form of paralysis.

Dick, you can, I mean, what do you, do you understand what the word huge means? Please, tell me more about this. I feel like I'm talking to Trump right now. Tell me more about huge. Every single time you say something is huge, almost every time on the show, it's always in the low percentages, like 1% or 2%. It's not huge. We can say that it's a big problem.

5.6 million people? That's huge. No. That's almost the number of downloads we've had for this show is huge. 4 million. This is more than the number of downloads we've had for this show. Dick, but that's a weasily way of saying it because the downloads for our show. are pretty high for podcasts,

but the number of people, a percentage of the United States, it's tiny, it's 1%. One and two. Okay, let's say one to two. Let's say two. Okay. Just for sake of argument.

Okay, look, man, you can say that it's a big problem. 2% is huge. You can make the case, look, paralysis is awful. It is a big problem, but I'm not, let's not say it's huge. It's not huge, okay? It's a big problem, but it's not huge. You think it's bigger than terrorism?

Paralysis. It's different problem. Different problem. You're not afraid of getting paralyzed. Okay, the number of people who are paralyzed. Unless you played Superman in a movie or TV, right? Isn't they all get fucked up? The curse of Superman, that's true.

I think it was about 1.5 to 1.9 million people are paralyzed in the United States. According to the Christopher Foundation. Uh-huh. Are you suspect of that? A little bit. A little bit. Because it's kind of like a women's group coming up with a study saying that women are oppressed. is like, okay, of course, you're looking for that.

That's what they're looking to. That's the worst thing you've ever said. You know, why? And I'm the weasel? Why, why is that awful? That's awful. Can you explain to me? Because, look, this is for real.

I'm just wondering, why is that awful? That you suspect a foundation built on helping people who are paralyzed. Like you're trapped in your body like it's a coffin, but you're still alive. Right. You suspect them of malfeasance when it comes to their telephone pole. that uncovered an uncomfortable amount of people being paralyzed. You suspect that. You cannot deny that there's a conflict of interest there.

The paralysis foundation whose sole purpose for existing is to raise money for their cause is also the ones coming up with these numbers. There's a conflict of interest. At least acknowledge that. You are speaking ill. Yeah, they're to like hot rod their wheelchairs. Yeah. Fuck you, Sean.

They're trying to. Here they come. You are speaking ill of a dead Superman. You are wrong. That's how you know you are wrong. Look, man. So back to that Adam Rathbone comment at the top of the show. You read his comment.

He said that they're raising money for a good cause, and his entire response was essentially a big shrug. Like, what are you supposed to do, man? There's too many problems. At least we're picking one. That's idiotic. Why is that idiotic? Because, Dick, again, if your house is on fire, don't worry about filing your taxes on time.

If your house is on fire, don't worry about mowing your lawn. These are small problems that we have actual... Look, if you're going to give attention to problems and you're going to solve a problem, if you give an undue amount of money, like to the ALS challenge, they raised so much money, way more than any other foundation or charity that year. Good. Because it's the only shot they'll ever get. They will never get another shot to raise money like that. Yeah, but why aren't we spending that much?

Look, man, one of the most horrific diseases that humans can get is harlequin disease. Obesity. No. Obesity is true, true, but harlequin's disease is fucking awful. These people have skin that becomes scaly and dry, and it's constantly bleeding. Now, they're born like that. They're born like that. So they usually don't live past a day or two. Well, but the people who's really rare.

There's one that's like a late teenager. Like, she's lived more longer than anybody. Yeah. Right. Sean, you are strengthening my point. there are very few people who have this disease. It is horrific. And they're constantly bleeding.

They have to put lotion on their skin. They look deformed. It's a horrific disease. Should we just suddenly all go out and start a huge foundation that raises $80 million to find a cure for this one person? No, because they don't live. Sean, but that's the point. But the few who do, the few who do get to that.

Look, there's other diseases like that, who there are only a few people who are affected by it. Should we then, Completely ignore. No, go here, go. Should we completely ignore the things that are affecting most people? Shouldn't we prioritize those things first? Press cancer has a whole month.

All Christopher Reeve got was one news cycle. Breast cancer, entire month every fucking year. Paralysis, one news cycle. I think that's fair. Christopher Reeve got more than a news cycle. Three weeks. It's just selfish, man. It's just selfish.

Look, man. I think you hate it. You hate it, and you're wrapping it up in this academic rationale, but it doesn't check out for me. That's all I'm saying. Why not? Because it's, first of all, the house analogy, the house on fire analogy, I don't agree with also.

The house is on fire. The house is on fire. This is the argument of what are you going to get out of the house? No, it's not. What are you talking about? No, it's not. You're putting out the house. No, house is burning down.

The house is gone. Somebody else is going to take it. We're taking, what are we get? Cancer? 40% of people. Paralysis, 2% of people. I don't know. I got so much space in my arms. I can grab everything. Whatever jumps out of me I'm going to grab. That's life. Okay. Let's use an analogy exactly tantamount to what you started with, which is one in 50 people in the United States are suffering from paralysis. And I'm not going to dispute those numbers.

Might be 1 in 40. No. We don't know. No, it's probably not. Let's say 1 in 50. Okay. Because those are the numbers you gave. Yeah. One in 50. Yes. Yeah. Let's line up 50 people and those represent all Americans. Right. Statistically, based on what you said, one of those people is paralyzed, right? Correct. Correct. So let's say all those people, they represent America. So statistically, some of them are going to be obese, about 40% of them are going to be obese. Statistically, about 80% of them are going to die of some heart-related disease. Statistically, 20 or 30%, maybe 40% are going to die from cancer, okay? Statistically, some of those people have... Get cancer, not die from it. Well, they're going to get cancer, sure, but then statistically some of them are going to die from it. Then you have people who are going to die from accidents and injuries and so on. Some people have all sorts of different diseases, diabetes, malnourishment, all these different things.

Those are represented in those 50 people. Now you're going down the line and you're saying, okay, for each person in this line, we're going to give you a way to communicate your message. And for the person who has heart disease, you give them a notepad. For the next person who has cancer, you give them a little sticky pad. And for the person next to them, you give them, oh, I don't know, maybe an LED lightboard. But for the person with paralysis, you give them a fucking megaphone. That's my problem.

Is that your perception of what society is? That's what happens. Heart disease and cancer are on all day every day. You cannot watch TV without hearing about cancer or heart disease. Then how come more money was raised for ALS than heart disease and cancer? What? Over, of all time? That's absolutely not true. For that year.

For that year, ALS raised more money than cancer research. Yeah, then more money than any other. I would love to see the actual numbers on that. I thought they raised like $20 million. It's nothing. No, it raised a lot of money. Cancer billions of dollars gets spent on cancer research. No, look, man.

For the amount that I heard about Christopher Rees Paralysis Foundation that affects 1% of Americans. Uh-huh. One percent. For the amount that I heard about it. Got it. Up to 2. 1 to 2%. Let's get it right. Look, man, you're giving these people megaphones when what they need is the notepad. We got it, man. Look, you got it. And also, the thesis of my argument wasn't that we should only care about, we shouldn't only care about celebrities. We shouldn't only care about diseases once a celebrity gets it. I think paralysis is a problem.

But Christopher Eve, if he was, if he wasn't disingenuous about it, he would have cared about it before he got it. Look, man, I don't have heart disease. And thankfully, no one has. and my family does that I know of. I think it's a huge problem. I've been talking about it on the show, not because I have it, but because I know it affects a lot of people. Yeah, you have no heart disease.

Go fuck yourself, Sean. I'm fucking tired of this shit. Hey, if you took that line, 100% of those people would suffer from piss driblitz. No, Dick. That's all I'm saying. Get out of here. That's my problem.

Yeah. That's my problem. So I can't disagree that paralysis is a problem. I just don't think that, first, two things. It's not as big of a problem as, some of the things that aren't getting attention that they need to. I mean, heart disease affects so many people. It's the number one killer worldwide.

Which would you rather have? Paralysis or heart disease? Neither one. Which would you have to pick? You got to pick one. Nobody gets through life scot-free. If the heart disease leads to death, then paralysis. I'd rather be alive than dead.

See, it's hard choice. Even thinking about it is a hard choice. You've got all these stipulations. It's not easy as a numbers game that you're making it sound. Well, what about you? Which would you rather have? or heart disease? Oh boy.

Well, I already got the heart disease. Do you? Oh, yeah, I mean, a half Mexican. Like, I think it runs in the Mexican gene. No, but have you been diagnosed with anything? No, you get diagnosed with something, and you get it. That's what happens. What?

That's a joke. No, no, no, no. I haven't been diagnosed with anything. Yeah, man. I mean, I have out of controlled temper, and I drink way too much, and I'm half ethnic. Like, I mean, odds are if I was going to place a bet, I would bet on a hard problem.

Yeah, man, it's tough. Paralysis is a big problem. It sucks. It's absolutely, it sucks. It's debilitating. But also, are you talking about all paralysis, or are you talking about partial and full? It's all bad.

All the problem. There's varying degrees. Oh, I brought in the stats for the varying degrees. I threw my notes again. Also provided by the Christopher Reeve Foundation. So I don't know, maybe it's all just fabricated. Oh, and Dick, I just looked it up. I need a correct.

I need to correct something. The one in 50 Americans translates to about 5.6 million people, not 1.9, as I initially said. No, no, I got that one too. It's 5.6 suffer from some type of paralysis and 1.25 have a spinal cord injury. Yeah.

That's the numbers. So you were right. The spinal cord injury is what they found was way more than they'd ever thought. Both of them were way more, but you were right in the numbers. You just had the wrong thing. Yeah.

Here is the... Here's the amount that they... they're disabled. People were paralyzed. 36% said they have a lot of difficulty in moving. 29% said they had some difficulty. 17% said a little difficulty. And 16% said Maddox can go fuck himself. That's weird.

That must be a right in. 35% had a spinal cord injury. 29% said... I think I stopped reading the stats because none of them were funny at that point. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. So I looked into the survey. Okay, I'm going to read you the survey question and just completely honestly answer me if you think that this survey question can at all be misleading the way that people respond, okay? Okay.

Researchers, this is from ABC News. Researchers surveyed more than 33,000 U.S. households using input for more than 30 experts in paralysis and statistics to develop the study and survey. It was led by Anthony Cahill. Okay, here's the question. Okay. So according to this study, paralysis affects 19% of the U.S. population, that reflects the numbers, the number of people who answered yes to the following two questions. Do you, or does anyone in this household have any difficulty moving their arms or

legs? No. Dick, you don't think that that's a misleading, that could potentially lead to some misleading. In a vacuum, but you think they just called and shot that into the phone? It's not like, hey, we're doing a survey on paralysis? No, but they think they gave them no context at all? Are you serious? That's 19% of people... Dude, Dick, if you say you have trouble moving your arms or legs, okay, even in the context of paralysis, trouble moving your arms or legs, 19%. That's where these numbers are coming from. You're saying that these questions are misleading by reading them off of a website on ABC with no context.

The context is an article. It says 1 in 50 Americans live with paralysis. It's making your case, Dick. That 5.6 million, by the way, that says... That's the number of people who live with some form of paralysis, a new survey shows. But then down the article later on, they say spinal cord injury, one cause of paralysis studied, is more common than thought with new survey findings that 1.275 million people in the United States are affected. Okay.

So spinal cord injury is different category of paralysis. You get paralyzed for cerebral palsy, you get diseases, you get a lot of stuff. You could just be so scared you never move again. That happens more than you think. So 5.6 million in the United States about. Yeah. Slaying shot. I'm not a 50.

That's my problem. Yeah. All right. Okay. All right. I just think, I don't know, man. I don't know.

I know. I know. You just hate it, but I don't know why. It's just, you're giving them a megaphone when what they need is a notepad. You think we should prioritize it

by a number of people affected. Right. By any given disease or issue. Yeah. Which we are. That's logical. We're not. Which we totally are.

Cancer gets a ton of research and a ton of money and a ton of exposure. Do you know how much, Dick? Don't look it up. I don't look it up. I don't want this to turn into the looking up things on the fly show. Yeah. But I'm sure, I would bet it's in the magnitude of hundreds of millions to a billion. The amount that's spent on cancer research in toto.

A billion? That's it. That's it. That's a drop in the bucket. Well, what else is getting spent on? You're talking about a scale of research expenditure based on how bad the disease is. What else do you want? Obesity should get more?

Yeah. How do you fix it? Stop fucking eating. Yeah, heart disease. We got the solution for that. I don't know, man. Heart disease also has multiple causes. It was smoking.

A lot of money was spent to stop smoking. You're going to count all the money, all the anti-smoking money that's ever gone in to stopping lung cancer. Huge amount. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know, bro. Yeah, all right. Paralysis.

Let's wrap it up. Yeah. All right. The show is caught in a mire of paralysis at this point. All right, man. My problem this week is stonewalling v. It's a good one. I promise paralysis and the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. Thanks for listening.

Oh, I got a song, man. I got to end it on this song. Let's hear. Okay, I got two guys who are giving me tips on how to get girls off. Do you want to hear them? Are they songs? No, no, no, no, no. Songs later. Okay. Here's one guy who's very critical of me. Okay.

Hey, guys, this is back from North Carolina. I was just listening in the beginning of episode 70 here, And when he kept talking about the female orgasm, all right, guys, I would like to lay this to rest, pun definitely intended. Now, listen, I'm 25 years old. I'm not a great-looking guy. I'd say I'm a solid six. Used to be a seven back in the day. And I still have a huge truck.

I don't have huge muscles, but I have somehow managed to bed about 150 plus women, all right? And I can tell you from experience, the reason women don't come as much is because I don't know how to fucking have sex. In Dick's situation, I can, I would bet my whole life saving that he is a jackhammerer. He thinks that someone at it as hard as fast as you can is the way to just bring a woman to some crazy explosive orgasm that they can't hold back. And I'm here to tell you, motherfucker, that's not the way to do it, all right? You have to fuck slow. Do the opposite of porn, right? Horns made for angles and to get Dick off who don't know how to fuck in the first place.

You actually want to make a girl come. You don't have to be old gay about any of tenderness or anything. just go a little slower, you know, get in there, get real deep, find that secret spot, swivel around. It's not about going in and out as fast as you can. It's about getting in there, hitting that spot, rubbing it right, and I guarantee you you will explode in pleasure and be all over you, right? Yeah, yeah.

So I have to tell you how to do everything, Dick, fucking moron. You know, Dick, that's one side, right? He makes a good point. I mean, like, you know. Well, yeah, of course. they were all entirely accurate. I just don't know who he's giving them to. You want to hear a tip from yours truly?

Yeah. This is how, for real, this is how I kind of learned. Watch some porn of women masturbating, solo masturbating. And there's this website, I think it's called, yeah, I Feel Myself.com. And it's just women who make their own masturbation videos. And watch how women get off. And look at what they're doing with their hands and their fingers and then replicate that with your pelvis. Okay.

You know why those girls are getting off? Because there's a camera pointed at them. No. That's what they're getting off on. No, there's all sorts of homemade videos. It's all in their fucking head. That's what I'm telling you. It's all in their head.

So film it. Film it and get them off. Yeah, okay. Anyway, here's the other piece of advice. This guy's a little more practical, I think. If you want to know how to conjure up the female orgasm, this is what you've got to do. If you're eating her out,

slide a finger up her butt while you have a finger in her badge and boom, that shit will pop pop like you didn't... The bowling ball. No, man. You don't even know. It's just there. She's crazy. She loves the butt plug.

With the fingers. Two experts. Is this Jack Nicholson? Oh, man. No, it was Matthew McConae's creepy brother. Jerkoff McConaughey. That guy sounds like he can't even lift his jaw off the floor. when you're eating around. Next time, I'll give you the song. I mean, it's just, it's got no words.

I'll bring it in the next time. Okay. Bring it in next time to Trump, my amazing Trump-tastic interview on Fox News, Fox affiliate news. And did you ever post the Smash Brothers fight? Oh, yeah, I got to do that. I'll do that this weekend, yeah.

Before I hit back to Vegas, and if you're in Vegas, hit me up, guys. I'm going to be there for the next three weeks. Oh, I also have the contendom. continuing story of when I pooped in my dad's underpants. Oh, yeah. Good poop story. Okay. He wasn't happy learning about that on the podcast.