The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 72

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to terrorism with over 4 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems like Mad Ox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, guys. Hey, I think the guy who came up with that bit deserves some credit, by the way. I don't know if you ever mentioned this on the podcast, but I was cruising the problems list on our website, there's problem of the universe.com. and I saw a guy list a whole bunch of these intros like blank to blank. Yeah, yeah. First of all, I'm the guy who came up with a bit. Second, those ones that he listed, when I first mentioned it on the podcast,

when I used one of his, I gave him credit. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I did. I did. Several times. Every one of his that I've used, I gave him credit.

But yeah, thanks. A lot of those are really funny. That sounded like a sarcastic, thank you. No, I liked him. Oh, okay. Anyway, how'd we deal? Dick. What did we find out? What did we discover? What did we learn about our fans last week?

Well, we learned that they're idiots. Stonewalling vegans came in the number one problem from last week with a bigger problem than paralysis. Guys, you disappoint me. Me too. Look, guys, I know I'm not disingenuous when I say this. I absolutely believe that paralysis is a bigger problem. Way bigger problem. Yeah, than stonewalling vegans. and then the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns,

fuck off with that problem. That shouldn't even be on the list. Who cares? But paralysis legitimately is a bigger problem than the minor inconvenience of being annoyed when you go to dinner. I don't know. This is who we are when we're invisible, right?

Like, everybody can get on TV and get on Facebook and say how much they want to support paralysis and ALS and whatever. But when they're in the voting booth, when they've got their vote to give, they vote, eh, stonewalling vegans.

I haven't even run into one, but Maddox's story annoyed me so much that I'm upvoting that. Yeah, yeah. It was a good, it was a good tag team effort that last episode.

Stonewalling vegans, huge, huge problem, but paralysis is way bigger. Way bigger. This guy says, Hey, Dick, regarding your paralysis problem. My mom was a physical attendant for a school friend of mine

who had muscular dystrophy. This is Sergeant Bravo. It's a muscle disease that weakens the musculoskelete. to the system and hamper's locomotion. He was literally skin and bone and physically unable to do many things, like lift his head up,

while he was able to enjoy life to the best of his abilities, I can't even imagine how much of a struggle it was. Yeah, this is, did we not make, does this point need to be made? Does everyone not know how horrible it is, that it only gets 500 votes?

No, it got about, as of this recording, 924 votes, it's not that far from stonewalling vegans. But guys, you know what I've noticed about our fans, Dick, is, and this is something that really annoys me personally is I see the problems that consistently get upvoted in the section, sometimes over bigger problems,

are personal annoyances and minor grievances. Like, for example, the death versus hoverboard hoaxes thing. No, no, no, no, okay. No, for sure, for sure. You don't believe that hoverboard hoaxes is a bigger problem than death. You don't believe that. Nobody believes that. Death is not nuanced enough.

Like, death is way too big. because you can't have meat without death, and meat is one of your biggest solutions. Right. You cannot have meat without the death of animals. Right. But there you go. But Dick, you don't have to make that case with every fucking thing.

You don't have to, I don't have to come out and make the case that death is a bad thing because it affects people. Everyone can think of at least one aspect of death that's good and one aspect of death that's bad. That's why it doesn't get votes. Even hoverboard hoaxes, dickhead. Hoverboard hoaxes was good in that without it, we wouldn't have had that episode. There you go, dickhead. Can't fuck off.

Yeah, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. You're right. It's exactly the same. No, everything has positives and negatives, man. That's why I brought in dumb people during his solutions episode, got downvoted, because there are some advantages to dumb people. It's good to have an intelligence deficit because without it,

those people wouldn't be doing their jobs that we rely on. Uh-huh. Right? I'm getting too confused. But this guy goes on. Unfortunately, his friend died in his early's 20s due to choking on phlegm. Is that a worry for stonewalling vegans? You ever got to worry about choking on phlegm?

Because you have no... You can't control your throat muscles. His death hit both my mom and me very hard. I totally agree that paralysis is a huge problem, and I have trouble understanding why Maddox thinks it's a bad idea for charity to gain more attention and support than other charities. Regardless of which charity gets more support, the support is going toward a positive thing.

No, that's stupid. That's part of it. You are also shit-talking my paralysis problem. Right. with your hard on for shitting on Superman. No, this has nothing to do with, no, this has nothing to do with Superman.

I specifically, so Dick, I was trying to look this up, and you wouldn't let me, you wouldn't let me bring this up in the last episode. What's this? This stat that I posted on the website. Did you see the copy that I wrote? Well, I saw your bullshit. No, it's not bullshit. I posted a graph.

It was from vox.com. You got to give some context of this, though, because the argument was over what charity, what disease gets more funding. Right. That was the argument. And I said cancer gets billions of dollars. It doesn't.

It doesn't. It doesn't. I mean, not according to this. According to this, it says where we donate versus what diseases kill us. And number one, the number one foundation, the number one cause of donation is breast cancer. By far. It's number one, followed by prostate cancer. So cancer also, all right.

This isn't looking good for you. Throw more in the cancer bucket. It hasn't added up to a billion. First of all, Dick, even if it is, let's say, two, three billion. That's a drop in the bucket. It's nothing. A drop in the bucket of what? Of the amount of money that we should be spending to eradicate this disease.

Well, how much you want to spend? 20 billion? Pretty much as much as it takes because it's killing so many people. But what do you mean as much as it takes? Let me finish this point here. Then, if you look at the deaths, the number of deaths, the number one killer heart disease. And by the way, that shows up number three on the list.

Then, right after heart disease is the ALS, motor disease challenges. Like that includes. That includes. any kind of like paralysis, ALS, all these like motor disease challenges. Motor neural diseases is what they call them. So that came number three, and the number of deaths that that causes

is the bottom of the list. It's like dead last. But that got way more donations, way more charity than AIDS research. Just for that one year, though, right? Suicide. That's not every year. I don't know.

I mean, it's that one year. But we only have one data point. These stats are all per year. This is a stat that's been jinned up to prove what he's saying about ALS. It's not jinned up. Yeah, this was made specifically for the year of the huge ice bucket challenge. But it's not just that, Dick. It also shows you other diseases that kill us and where our money goes relative to the number of deaths.

Well, you know, find a narrative and then cherry pick your facts to support it. Cancer, billions of dollars every year. Obesity, heart disease, billions of dollars. It's not. All that anti-smoking ad, what do you think that? you think that runs up? How much you think anti-smoking money is? How much money you think they spend on anti-smoking? I don't know. Got to be hundreds of millions. All those ads, all this research, all this, yeah. That doesn't matter to you? It's not enough. It's heart disease? Look, man, just look at

this graph. It's really simple to look at. Just look at the number of deaths that we have and where our money is spent. It's not proportional. Breast cancer is the number one charity right now. Like, and it doesn't affect... Cancer. Cancer. You know, breast cancer specifically. Yes, but cancer research isn't Like, well, we solved breast cancer. Fuck all the other cancers. Like, surely when they address some cancer concerns, there's overlap in their research. Do you understand that breast cancer, prostate cancer, ALS, suicide, every single thing that kills us combined, combined is still less than heart disease. Like, heart disease is the number one thing.

As far as I'm concerned, heart disease should trump breast cancer, prostate cancer, ALS challenge, suicide research, everything that, every thing. everything because it's killing so many people. That's not where the money's going. But how much money goes into making people live healthier? Like how much money is spent on trying to get people to eat healthier and exercise more? There's only so much you can, like eventually you have to move your fat ass to fix heart disease. That's a good point. You can't swallow a pill and get rid of heart disease.

You have to live healthy. You can get chemo. You can get irradiated to fix some types of cancer, but you can't, you can't, you can't rewind the clock on 50 years of living like a fucking slob. The perception is people think heart disease is more preventable than cancer. Yeah, so what are you going to, what am I going to spend money on fixing something that some shithead's been building up for 50 years of drinking and smoking like Don Draper? Right.

Like, you can't do that. You're oversimplifying the heart disease problem. Heart disease doesn't just affect people who are chronically obese or excessively obese. There are a lot of obese people who don't get heart disease. There are a lot of skinny people who do. heart disease is a condition that a lot of people have. It's something that can strike anyone anytime, regardless of your lifestyle. So that's why it's a big problem.

A lot of it's hereditary too. Yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. Somebody had a solution about that once. All right, what do we, do we got? I got another comment. This one's from Dan Ruggs. He says,

Christopher Reeves didn't give a shit about paralysis until it happened to him. Oh, no. You guys didn't give a shit about paralysis as a problem until Maddox brought it up last episode. Hmm? Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm the hero. You're part of the problem then. I'm the hero. Because you're bringing up things.

Oh, look, that undermines your argument that you just made, right? It's all research and all money that we spend towards good, right? I don't think I'm trying to make an argument. I'm just saying billions of... It doesn't matter. I got more advice on getting girls off. Oh, yeah. From William Surrett.

I'm not even going to read it. I'm going to read one from Lori Foster. listening to men give general advice about how to make women come as hilarious. This is from a woman, by the way, guys, who I agree with, and who's hot, which matters. Every woman is completely different, and general advice is horseshit.

It's pretty fucking simple. Just ask the woman you're with how to make her come now while she's wrong about that. No, that's absolutely true. I agree with that. Every woman's different. You've got to ask, I mean, they're not all different, but generally, some women get off certain ways,

certain things do it for them. You know. Yeah, she'll tell you, you'll do it. She'll help. She'll come tongue emoticon. Well, there you go. Yeah, I think if a guy has like this real specific advice on how to get girls off, he's probably not been with a lot of girls, right?

Because like, when they say it, I'm like, okay, so how many girls has this work done for you? Yeah. Like, be honest. Three, maybe three or four. No, there's certain girls. Like, I've been with girls. Like, one of the few girls I've been with who was never able to orgasm. I, at one point, I asked her, I said, well, what would do it for you?

What, what do you like? And it was a conversation. It was something that was, like, so specific to her that... Wait, what was it? I'm not going to get into details. Can you just change? Had she never had one? No, she'd only had like one or two in her life.

One was through masturbation, one was through sex, but it was really rare. She says it's only happened two times in her life. And so she told me what the specific thing was, but it was so specific to her. Was it something on her body? Like that you had to touch? No, it wasn't, it was a certain set of conditions. I'll just say that much. It was a certain set of conditions.

Like it had to be a full moon? Kind of. Really? Not quite like full moon, but yeah. It had to be nighttime, like a time of day. It had to be nighttime. In the morning? That's all I'm going to say.

I don't want to get too specific because I don't. Because, you know, in case... In case somebody learns how to get this poor girl off? Come on. There might be a lot of this girl. No, I don't want to get into the details. But suffice it to say that some girls have specific things. And I agree with Lori's advice, which is,

Ask them. Why not? Yeah. Too much talking already. Is it your co-host? Oh my God. Tell us more about her. On your game show. Yeah, she didn't add me back on Facebook, by the way. Can you? Stop doing that. Stop doing that. It's a creepy thing. Stop doing that. Yeah, of course it is. But it works. Tell what works. What do you mean it works?

She'd chat them up on Facebook and after a while they just like are used to you around. Yeah, but I guess I got to bang this guy. It's my co-host. Don't fuck this up. You just wear them down. Yeah. You wear them down. down. You grow on them like a fungus. This is my second week of production. How is it going?

Great. It's a lot. Dick, I am working with every day with like 15 to 20 people. And legitimately, I don't have a problem with any of them. And this is the first time I've ever worked on anything, anything with this amount of people where everybody gets along, everybody does their job, everybody does their part. And we all like each other. And no one's a pain in the ass.

And then there's no drama. It's like, it's a miracle. I love it so much. Well, if you don't know who the asshole is. We've had a pool on the show on the set this last week. This guy was like, hey, I think I'm going to go carb-free to lose a little bit of weight. And this girl, one of the producers, says, hey, you know what, to show you solidarity, I'm going to go in with you on this pool. Or I'm going to help you.

I'm going to go carb-free. Then another guy said, I bet I could beat all you guys and be carb-free for the end of the week. And then I, oh, that's the last thing I heard. And I just said, I'm in. Whatever it is, I'm in. And so I threw myself into this stupid fucking pool where we're all going carb-free and we're all betting on who's going to eat carbs first. And so the producers are starting to fuck with us now. Like yesterday for lunch, all we got were hamburgers, onion rings, French fries.

Nothing we can eat. It's all carbs. And the day before they got Thai food and they had three dishes, excuse me, four dishes, three of them had rice in it. So specifically, they're fucking with us. They're getting stuff we can't eat to see you'll break first. And we're all miserable. We're hating it. We're like munching.

I'm foraging. I'm just putting handful, fistfuls of mixed nuts in my mouth. And I'm just eating jerky whenever I can. I'm eating anything. And then they've made an exception for alcohol. Thank God, but that's it. Yeah, that's been a pain in the ass. But other than that, it's been good.

So did you win? We know who there's a guy who ducked out early. He had to leave for one day early for production. We're like 99% sure he ate carbs. Yeah. How can you tell? You got to smell their farts, right? You can smell each other's farts.

It's the only way to know for sure. I'll tell you this, man. When you start cutting back on carbs, you will see a difference in your poop. It's all like no wipers for me. Yeah. Was your co-host in this contest? She was not, not intentionally. But yeah, she's got her own thing.

She's actually practicing for Miss Omaha pageant. Oh, my God. Look at this, Miss Omaha. She won Miss Teen Omaha. She was Miss Teen Omaha, yeah. Oh, well, then she's picked. She's a cutie. Yeah.

All right, what else do we got? I got more from the terrorist guy that rode in last week. Oh, let's hear, yeah, okay. Let's hear his rebuttal. I don't know if it's a rebuttal. A lot of people would consider this educational. Do you think it's... I thought it was really interesting that he wrote in.

However, there was one big fact that he got wrong last episode. And he was saying, he said that there's no evidence that terrorism occurs in the countries with poor economic development and high poverty, et cetera, et cetera. Well, I looked at where terrorism is affecting the most people, and it's all countries with poor economic development and low and high unemployment. I mean, that's pretty strong evidence. Well, he said that the U.S. supporting bin Laden himself is a myth. The U.S. supported parts of the anti-S. resistance, and bin Laden was a part of that resistance. Exactly. That's my point.

Using that as evidence that the U.S. supported bin Laden. himself though is a fallacy of composition as a leap in logic. The U.S. funded native Afghan groups. That's a little bit of a semantic argument. Really? You think so? Funding the group? We funded a group. Like, look man, if you fund... You guys are going to get on this guy's list. You better watch it. Yeah. If you fund, if you give money

to a country and then someone inside that country causes a terrorist act and that country doesn't denounce it, then you've essentially funded that terrorism. I don't know. All right. That's what he had to say. It was interesting. I'm glad he wrote in. Dick, I got a new bid. Wait, were you going to play some voice-man?

Well, I was going to play something from a Stereos, Coconose. Oh, okay, let's hear it. Okay, Dick, I got a new bid. I don't know if you're going to like it. Probably not. Here it is. Is it more gotcha? Yeah, it is.

Here it is. Dick Masterson. Instant Amnesia. All right, so I got this new bit called Dick Masterson Instant Amnesia. Mm-hmm. This came from episode 33, Dick. I don't know if you remember saying this. I mean, it's hard to make the case that, uh, just in general, as a blanket statement,

all products come from China or crap. I'm not saying it's all. Well, I mean, admit that I'm not saying it's all. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay. And then here's, uh, here's what you said, um, a mere, I think, 35 seconds earlier. I do think that everything comes out of there that we get access to is garbage.

I do think that everything comes out of there is garbage. That everything comes out of there is garbage. It's garbage. It's garbage. Yeah. Instant amnesia Yeah It's hard to get

It's hard to even Move my emotional needle On these Like it's hard to get upset about them Because you know that If I were to say All of it is crap You'll say

No no no no Some percentage of it All these little persents But you get something It says made in China It's crap No You're using an iPhone

That you love And it's made in China You're using an iPad That you love And it's made in China See this is the thing And then those guys Have to go through

incredible manufacturing leaps to make their stuff usable. Like that quality doesn't apply to everything made in China. Walmart's not over there cracking the whip on their crappy products that they're selling for bargain prices. Yeah, but when China's producing like, what, 60, 70% of the world's manufactured goods, you know what? Some of that stuff is obviously pretty good because we're buying it. We keep buying it.

I don't know. Old news. I think it's part of their business. culture too. They establish themselves as the manufacturer and then they try to cut costs by cutting corners as much as possible. That's the way they increase profits. That's the way we increase

profits. America does the exact same thing. That's why we outsource to China. In fact, that's exactly why we are doing it is to cut costs. Yeah, I don't think you're right about that though. Well, how's it different? The way American

apparel cuts costs is not by making shittier products, like using less stitches, using lower quality materials, because we have, like, direct access to the manufacturers here. Well, you're talking specifically about American apparel, and they are famously American-made brand,

but most brands are not. Like, most brands they sell at Macy's, and, like, Nordstrom, all the brands they sell at those clothing stores. They all come from China. They all come from pretty much the same factory. They just change the stitching and the label, pretty much. Well, I made my point about China.

You disagree. That's fine. You want to get to a problem? I don't know. This is a rough episode, man. A rough start. Why? I don't know.

It's very rancorous. I don't know what the deal is. A stereos bit. Oh, you want to do in a serious bit? All right, here you go. He sent in, well, I'll let him tell you. Bringing you the biggest problems from the distant future, this is news from the year 3,000.

Some of these looks so good. I haven't heard any of them yet, but some of them looked really funny. This week saw the release of a new. new type of drone, the hooker drone. The introduction of these precision-guided prostitutes has caused men to feel a wave of paralyzing confusion, as they're not sure whether to shoot them down or have mind-blowing sex with them. In a press conference, Emperor Trump's VP Dick Mastersensen said, quote, they fly around and

watch you, which is bad. But if you give them a 20, they... Until you're covered in chocolate sauce, and that's good. To solve the conundrum, VP Masterson urged all men everywhere to drink until they thought of something. That's pretty good. That's good. I want to hear what's under that beep, though. He better have written something.

Yeah. We got to get the unscensored. A legend of horse riding, gun-toting monkeys stormed into Congress and demanded that monkeys be given fair and equal access to their own Ghostbusters movie. The upstart apes pointed out that we. We've had Asian Ghostbusters, trans Ghostbusters, mentally challenged Ghostbusters, who were not good at busting ghosts, but they got medals anyway, and even the self-hating ghost ghostbusters, but no monkey Ghostbusters. Production on Ghostbusters Go Ape starts next Trumptober. Go Ape. Oh, man.

Yeah, it's just a matter of time before we have an entire Ghostbusters. Mentally challenged Ghostbusters. Yeah, why don't we just pander to all the different groups out there? Let's just have a bunch of trans, Ghostbusters. I mean, we talked about this. Yeah, that's so annoying. I'll do one more. AT&T Mobile SpritRisen announced its best deal yet on the latest model of Android Nuthugger.

It's got an incredible data allowance of 15 kilobytes a month. That's enough freedom to view almost an entire photo of your ex-girlfriend on Facebook every month. And if you hit the data cap, you can now plug the phone directly into your arm and pay for more data with convenient blood. There you go. I love it. Oh, good job. Good job, I'm serious. Thank you.

Hailing from the year 3,000. What other podcast brings you news from the future? I don't know. News that hasn't happened yet. Bring us a problem from the future. Yeah. Right now. Yeah.

Ready? Yeah. All right, man. Here's a problem from the future. Good transition, Dick. Well, it was. Yeah. No, I agree.

I'm saying. Human robots. How's that about a problem from the future? Yeah. Human robots. And when I say human robots, Dick, I'm not talking about actual Androids.

Because those wouldn't be a problem. No. No. That's what we all want. Yeah. We all secretly want sex robots, right? That's all we want. We want them now.

Yeah. And that's what Oculus Rift is, man. We're getting there. That digital singularity is coming sooner than you think. You know what? I've been meaning to talk to you about that, too. I saw some weirdo having sex with like an Oculus Rift Rift online this weekend for some reason.

I don't know. It was posted somewhere. And I realized that that should have been your entire argument for the Oculus Rift. Well, I know that means a lot to you because the sex thing. But for me, I like to experience, first of all, Dick, every single experience you can have in real life. And I mean every is better inside the Oculus Rift. You can have a better experience watching TV, going to Paris, doing homework. Whatever you want to do, you can do it better inside virtual reality. Yeah, but you could have sex with your wife and put an Oculus Rift on and make it like the hottest chick ever.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Stop right there. Sold. Well, that, I would have gotten your, uh, your, uh, I would have carried your favor a little bit more. Yes, yes, yes. So yeah, Dick, I'm not talking about actual robots.

I'm talking about people who act robotic. Like, they've had a set of instructions. Yeah. A set of rules and they can't fucking break them or bend them at all because they've been programmed to do those rules. Like, I gave this example a long time ago about a girl who was going through

airport security, and the lady at the front was saying, go through the first class area, and she said, but it's first class. And she said, that's fine, I'm letting you go through. And she said, but it's first class. And she said, just fucking go. I remember that story? Yeah. So that person has been so programmed

rigidly to not break her code, her instructions, that she's become a fucking robot. That's You brought in a problem very similar to this, Dick. It's the Nuremberg defense. And it's way up there. It's like number nine on the list. It's essentially in that, I don't know which is a bigger,

if it's a superset or a subset, but it's related to that problem. I, Dick, so coming home from Vegas, excuse me, coming back to L.A. from Vegas, I have been taking a bus because it allows me to get some work done. I can just pull out my laptop and they have outlets. They have Wi-Fi. It's kind of nice. I spend four or five hours in a bus working rather than having to worry about my commute and going through airport security and all this. It's kind of nice.

How's your book going? You're writing your book on there? Yeah, yeah, I am. Can people ride the bus and read it over your shoulder and get like a sneak preview? I've been watching that. I've been watching that, buddy. I pull out my phone and I turn on the camera mode, so it looks like I'm taking a selfie, but what I'm really doing is seeing it. Do you really?

I do. You're nuts. I feel like people peer over my shoulders sometime. Hey, what's that guy doing? More interesting than what I'm doing. Everyone's doing some stupid shit. Oh my gosh, this woman eating funnions the other day. This woman on the butt.

She's just eating funnions for, it seemed like two or three hours. Just eating the same bag of funnions. I'm like, finish the fucking funnions already. And she's like spilling them on herself. And she's munching them like a rabbit. Have you ever seen a rabbit chew a carrot? Yeah. With her teeth.

She's doing that with her funnions. Ah, anyway, man. So I go to get on the bus, and I walk up to the bus that's parked at the location, right? It's not the location that it says on the map, but it's like two blocks away. Like two, no, it's four blocks away. Four blocks away. I walk up to the bus. And I start getting on the bus because it's right fucking there.

I've already purchased my ticket. I'm ready to go. Let's do this, right? This guy comes up. He goes, oh, oh, excuse me, sir, you have to go inside and talk to the driver. You can't get on the bus. I said, okay. So I went inside looking for the driver.

driver, of course, you know, everyone in a bus terminal looks slubby. So no name tag, no nothing, right? So I couldn't figure out who the bus driver was. So I just waited outside the bus. And it's 15 minutes before departure. And the guy finally comes out of the thing doing whatever he is, he's doing, taking a dump or eating Funnions, whatever it is he's doing. He comes up to me and I said, hey, this is the bus going to Los Angeles, right? And he said, yeah, but you have to go to the boarding location and I said, but this is the bus, right? He goes, you have to go to the boarding location. I said, but this is the bus I'm supposed to get on, right? What difference does it make? And the boarding location is four blocks away. He just wants me to walk four blocks for what? Well, that's where

you board. No. Why? Why? Why, guys? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why are being such a fucking stickler? Yeah. Who cares? It literally got him nothing. Yeah, you know what, though? Let me tell you this. because I am in support of your problem, human robots. I don't think this is a great example. I'll tell you why. Nine times out of ten, he lets some dipshit get on that bus in the wrong place. You are going to walk on that bus, take all of your clothes off, and shit in the aisle. And then how is he going to explain that to his manager?

Like, well, how did this guy get, how did this happen? Why didn't you tell him to go to the boarding area where we keep an eye out for stuff like this? And he's like, well, I don't know, he looked like a nice. guy. Yeah. Or you know what you do. He was taking pictures of people looking over his shoulder with a camera. He looked like he was interested in personal security.

Or you know what you do, man? You just let the person on the bus. Who fucking cares? It costs you nothing. Just fucking do it. And if the, let's say the worst case scenario happens, Dick. Everything you just said happens. I get on the bus. And I'm a crazy person. I shit in the aisle. You know what?

I would rather take the fall and clean up that shit. I won't tell my boss. just clean up the shit and take care of the problem, and then, you know, and then, and then still let the next person on because that's unlikely. That's really unlikely. And also, I don't look like a homeless person who's going to go just shit on the bus.

You're riding a bus from Vegas to L.A. You can't be too careful. Oh, it wasn't a Greyhound. It was actually Bolt, Bolt Bus. And I'm specifically naming the brand, the name of the company because I, oh, I got some stories about this Bolt experience. Good ones or bad ones?

Mixed, mixed. Mixed. Mostly, like, the actual bus itself is really nice. But back to this guy for a second So he was being a real hard ass about it Like, oh, you have to go to this boarding area That's four blocks away And it's fucking Vegas If you guys, anyone outside the US

Or anyone in the US Who's never been to Vegas It's like 120 degrees What's that in Celsius? What's that like 60? I don't know It's not 60 It's like 35, 38

It's ridiculously hot What is it in real human degrees? About 110 to 120 degrees and the bus stop, the pickup location, is just in between two chain link fences. There's just two chain link fences. What do you want? There's no canopy for shade.

You're just standing there under the fucking hot sun. People die out there, guys. This is 110 or 120 degree weather. You can't stand around in that. People can work in that, in fact. No, no one's working in that shit. Not unless you're completely staying. hydrated. So this guy just, you know, made me walk four blocks. And I thought about it, right, Dick?

I thought, what possible rationale could this guy have to make me walk, right? And I thought, well, maybe it's because there are people who have reserved seating and he should let them on first. But I knew that because of the time of departure that it wasn't going to be a full bus. It was me, and I was right. At most, it was 15 people. Plus, I was one of those people who had reserved seating. Yeah. He's just being a dick for no fucking, he's been a human rights. He's being a human robot. Oh, those are the rules. You have to Buh, bim-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-shut. Shut the fuck up, man. Just let me on the fucking by-one. I can

step on the steps here, or I have to walk four fucking blocks. What is it? Simon says? Dip-shit? Just let me on the fucking bus. Yeah, okay. Let me give you a similar example. How about going into Dodger Stadium with a beer? And the guy's like, you can't bring that beer in here.

Well, why not? Yeah. Is that a human robot to you? Yes. Because then you start letting people bring beer in where they're not supposed to have beer. What is it? What is it, does it turn into mass chaos? It's not. I don't think so.

I think, yeah, if someone brings in a beer, first of all, if they're doing open carry and they can see it, their supervisors might be watching and they can enforce that, right? But if they're searching your shit and they're being hard asses and they're being, oh, they found your hidden flask or they found your binocular beer, fuck off, man. Just let the guy bring their beer in. We don't want to pay, we don't want to get gouged for your beer, which is always a rip-off, right? Well, yeah. What is that, what is a regular thing? I think it's like $12 or $16 now. It's outrageous.

Yeah, it's more expensive than, I think it's more expensive than jet fuel and bull semen. Bullsemen. And printer ink, like one of the most expensive. Dick, have you seen that video online of the guy buying a large beer at a, it was a stadium? He bought a large beer, and then he bought a small beer, and the cost difference is almost double. So he then took the small beer, emptied it out, and then took the large beer and poured it into the small cup, and it's the exact same amount. Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, because they change the rim size, so one looks a little bit bigger than the other, but they're the exact same amount. Yeah, huge. I think it was a hockey stadium that did this. Anyway, man, one of the worst examples, this is just a quick problem, but one of the worst examples of this is parking attendants.

Parking meter, like meter maids when they give tickets. I witnessed this one time. There was a guy who had his hazards on, and he had a permit. to park in the neighborhood that he was in because a lot of neighborhoods in Los Angeles are permitted, right? They have permits.

So this guy was running in and out and moving. He's moving his mother, he said. This parking tenant comes up and starts riding him a ticket and he said, why? I have a permit. And he said, well, the permit license number doesn't match your driver's license or excuse me, your car license. So I'm going to write you a ticket.

He said, but it's my mom's car and I'm helping her move and this is just temporary. You can see I'm running in and out of the place and the lady's like I'm still writing the ticket I sorry I already started I can't stop which is bullshit by the way no no that what do you mean bullshit if they've started writing a ticket they can't stop that's fucking bullshit well what do they have to explain they have to account for every number yeah that's the reason no no that's a good law

though like I know it seems like a bad law but the last thing you want is a as a cop or a parking attendant with the ability to start writing a ticket and and then starting to barter with you whether or not you get out of this ticket. And I'll... Wrong, and I'll tell you why. Not even one thought about that. Because I know it's wrong, and I'll tell you why. Because Dick, if you start writing a ticket and you accidentally type in the wrong number or the wrong name,

you're telling me that they have to just keep typing that fucking ticket for the wrong number or wrong name? That's bullshit. I want it to be a huge problem if they fuck up writing seven numbers down on a piece of paper. If they miss type one number, they can go back and erase it, and guess what? They can erase all of them. But they don't... Okay. They can. They can.

They simply can, and they're choosing not to... And I know they can, because I've dealt with parking attendants meter mates. Very rare. But sometimes, they're like, okay, man, yeah. Just be more careful next time. I know you're a minute over. Go have a nice day. It's like one in a million.

But that does happen. And I don't see why not. I don't see why that's... I'm asking for a little bit of empathy. You don't have to be such a fucking robot. So this person moving his mom's stuff out of the apartment was... He started getting teared up. He's like, look, this is a $70 ticket.

I can't afford it right now. I just lost my job. I'm helping my mom move. She's sick. Let me just take the stuff out just for a minute. Helping people move. Big problem. Yeah.

Well, the bigger problem here is this robotic attendant with absolutely no human emotions and just inability to empathize on any fucking level. Yeah. Well, we all have experience living in Los Angeles, right? And like these permitted neighborhoods we all have experience in, a full 20% of the revenue generated by the city of Los Angeles comes from parking infractions. We've talked about that.

So it's absolutely just a cash grab. It's a cash grab. That's exactly the same thing with a beer at the stadium. They don't want you to bring beer because it's a cash grab. Yeah, that's a different problem, though. This is these robots that you're talking about, these specific examples, you've got to keep one thing in mind. Most of the time, people take advantage.

Like if everybody goes to that separate location to load up the bus, all of a sudden you've got a separate load-in zone. You know, people aren't capable of getting an inch of courtesy. You know, they take a mile. This is how people are. This is what exists is because we made it this way. It's a slippery slope argument, man. You can't say, oh, if we do one person, then everyone's going to do it.

That's not always true. I mean, one person here and there, who gives a shit? Sometimes, you do it, I do it. We talk about... Yeah, I'm the worst person that you want, parking wherever I want, taking advantage of things constantly. Like, those rules exist because without parking laws, we just park in the middle of the street.

Well, that's a straw man argument. I'm not saying that parking laws shouldn't exist, and I'm not saying that meter maids shouldn't exist. They absolutely do enforce laws sometimes that are necessary because if people do take advantage, but this was clearly not that example. This was a guy helping his mom move. But now you have to screen each person.

and for judgment. No, you don't. No, you don't, Sean. You just have to use your judgment because... What if they have a bad judgment? Lots of people have poor judgment. Well, exactly. That's this problem.

It's these robots who are just programmed to do this. Because they get kickbacks, too, Sean. Let's not say that this is like just them being good at their job. That bus driver gets a kickback for not letting you board early? Not that bus driver, but the meter maid. The meter maid? I would like to see some... I mean, you know nefarious shit goes on,

but I think that's a little bit of a bull. statement. No, no, this is a big scandal. No, I know that's true. L.A. Weekly did an article about this. They said that some of these meter maids were making six figures because they're getting kickbacks because they hit their goals. They have quotas. I don't know if that's a kickback. No, they hit, they get bonuses. I mean, what's the difference? What, you call it a bonus, call it a kickback. They're getting kickbacks for writing tickets. So another time I was out at this Indian restaurant and this guy ran inside just for, it couldn't have been more than a minute. He parked in the red zone right

out front, left his hazards on, his car running, his door open. He ran inside, grabbed the food, came back outside, someone was writing him a ticket. And he's like, I just ran in for a fucking second. Are you kidding me with this shit? And they're like, well, you're parked in the red. And then I looked over in this moron, this robotic idiot

fucking person, this subhuman piece of shit, was also parked in red to write the ticket. Hey, fuckface, you can't be, you can't have a double standard. Like, they're the law? What do you mean they can't have a double standard? No, they can't park in red. They're not emergency vehicles. They can't park in red ever. Meter maids can't. No. There's no double standard. Metermates can't park in red. If the red zone is there, the argument there is that the red zone

is there for our safety. You're not supposed to park your car there. So if this meter maid was making that case that you're not supposed to park in red, why is she parked in red? I don't know. So let me ask you a question. Would you just prefer everyone to use their own judgment? Like, is that honestly what you'd want? Yeah. Not everyone all the time, but generally, yes. The only time I want people to follow the rules to the T is when it comes to life and death situations.

If you are on an airplane and even then, there can be some scenarios there can be exceptions. But if you're on an airplane and it's your responsibility to open the emergency door, follow the rules. I'm not saying you should put a little spin on it. Don't, you know, those are the only times that generally follow the rules. But other times, yeah, use your judgment. Why not? Why is that a bad thing? Because people are opportunistic and sue happy. And this is what it creates. So you think that it could have opened him up to a lawsuit

had he let me on four blocks earlier? Yeah. Yeah, because what happens then? Who else you got to let on? There was already one person on there. You know, I don't, I don't care if he lets you on earlier or not. I'm just explaining why I think we're at this point. I think there are a lot of better examples of human robots, too. Give me an example. I'm sure you have one. All politicians, how they all sound like a computer reading a teleprompter.

These are the people running the world. The fact that we think this is good, we watch these people recite essays written by think tanks, and this is somehow good to us. Yeah, well, I mean, it's not what's a specific example

of somebody who is following the rules to the T, and to the detriment of other people. A human robot following the rules to the detriment of other people? Yeah. I can't think of one off the top of my head. What did I bring in for the Nuremberg defense? People at Comcast? Comcast, yeah, because...

I think a lot of... Oh, I think mandatory sentencing is a version of that. I think a lot of judges follow this to and ruin people's lives. Yeah. I'll give you a perfect... I'll give you a perfect example, Dick. It's a problem that you brought in, militarized police, but more generally, like sometimes,

when police say, like, the problem we're seeing right now on the internet is all these videos that are floating around of cops doing abusive things and whatever,

it's because, and they say, well, they're in their rights. They're legally, another, they're in the rights to do that kind of thing, right?

They're in their rights to shoot somebody if they feel threatened. But that's, that's following the law to the letter. They're finding the letter of the law, not the spirit of law.

Yeah, letter of the law, that's exactly why this human robot problem is a huge problem. because we're getting cops who just look at the law and they say, well, I was allowed to do that. Just because it's legal, just because you're allowed to, doesn't mean it's right. Doesn't mean it's good. De-escalate.

That's a split-second decision, though. And they're trained to do that. So, yeah, bad shootings happen. But there's, I mean, you have no idea unless you're in that situation. You don't know what you're going to feel. Sometimes people get shot, you know, without having a gun. Sometimes it's a, you know, a fake gun. It's a metal thing they use to hold up somebody else.

Sometimes they're just going to be. beat the shit out of you. Yeah, absolutely. But what I'm saying is, letter of the law, spirit of the law thing doesn't really hold water there, I don't think.

Well, it seems... Not in cop shootings. What's that? Cops in general, okay, but in shootings, that's so specific. I don't know about that. Well, it seems like they're wrong

more often than not. In cop shootings? No way. No way. You don't think so? No. No. Even the ones that are sensationalized,

they're right. Like, even that, like, the first knee-jerk media response to cop shootings is like, okay, well, let's wait till all the facts come in and see what actually happened. Like everyone likes to hate on cops, and I'm first in line leading that charge.

But a lot of the times, I think they were vindicated way more than most of the time. And that story never gets out there because, like I said, it's not cool. Winston Churchill, quote, a lie makes it halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to put its pants on. And it's true. It gets sensationalized. And that is what's stuck in the mind of, you know, the viewing public. And then after the investigation, after the coroner report, after, All of the stuff has been analyzed by various parties. It turns out that it's like, yeah.

You know, it was justified. It's unfortunate, but it's justified. Yeah, maybe, okay, look, point made, I agree that a lot of time, you're probably right. A lot more of the time, cop shootings may be, you know, quote, justified, but maybe their training's bad. Maybe it's just that they are following their training,

which is to protect their lives at all cost. I 100% agree there needs to be updates and training. Absolutely. And they flip side of that. When people start to panic and they run from cops, they don't intend to aggravate the cop. They don't intend to piss him off. They don't intend to threaten him. However, they are also acting in their best interests and also running for their lives

because they are threatened by these cops because they know the consequences. And they know that sometimes cops fuck up. And if that chance exists, Dick, people are going to avoid it at all costs. Like if we had a jar of jelly beans here and you knew one of them was poison, are we going to eat some of jelly beans? I wouldn't eat that one. Simple. I would eat all the rest of them.

Yeah, anyway, man. Human robots, that's my problem. You got any more examples? I feel like it's a great problem. It's not getting a fair shake. Because I totally agree with you that people are on autopilot. Even their reactions to things are all robotic.

Yeah. I mean... It's a society of robots. Like the vision of... Everyone's vision of reality that they have in their head is what they live every day. And if you don't, whatever exists around them

means absolutely nothing to that. Like, they're going to treat you and respond to every stimulus they get in accordance with their version of reality. That's very robotic to me. And nothing will sway them from that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm not sure it's... I wish that they had a version of reality and then adhered to it rather than whatever programming or instructions that they got. I mean, that's essentially the Nuremberg problem. This whole problem of just do what I say, no matter what, appeal to authority, listen to authority. That's what causes the rise of Nazis.

That's what causes that, what the, what's the, the Milgram experiment, right? The Milgram experiment? Milliken. The prison camp experience where they electrocuted the people, they told people to electrocute people. Yeah, that's the one. Right, right. Millican or Milogram. I don't remember.

I don't know. That experiment is a perfect example of human robots because they're instructed to do something, and in spite of their better judgment, they keep doing it because they are appealing to authority. They're just, and I'm not using that in the fallacious sense. I'm saying they're appealing to authority, doing exactly what they're told no matter what. That's a huge problem. Yeah. I think this is one where it's hard to come up with specific examples all the time,

but I think it's one that everybody out there relates to. Yeah, but everyone out there also is. Like I'm sitting on, I'm driving a bus, getting chewed out for minor infractions, and somebody comes up saying, hey, can I board here? instead of over there. I'm like, oh, fuck you. Leave me alone. Just trying to sit here eating my endless bag of funions and drive this bus. Go wait with everybody else.

You don't like it. Manage your time better. You know? I showed up early. I thought that was the location. I showed up early. I thought that was the location. Oh, and then this guy. Oh, man. So we're loading our luggage onto this bus. He just stands there, watching everybody just load it. It's like you have one. It's your fucking job, man.

And even if it's not, let's just say it's not in your job description. Because every other bus I've driven, they help you load your stuff on and off because you shouldn't have to manage other people's baggage. If you put your bags on in the bus, in the far back, because it's all, it's like a cue, right? First and last out. If you put your bags in, then someone puts their bags in front of yours, you have to move their bags. Well, you shouldn't be touching other people's belongings. You shouldn't be rearranging their bags because then you're fucking liable for it instead of the shithead bus driver who's not doing damn thing. He's just

standing around looking at a cell phone. being an asshole. And then like halfway through the bus ride. Someone's text messages kept going off or something. And he came on the intercom, just booming. Like louder than the voice of God that you see in movies. You know, that voice you hear? Yeah, yeah.

It's louder than that. He's like, whoever's cell phone that is, turn it on silent. Like, wait a minute, that's great. You want to go on a whole bus ride with some obnoxious bitch's cell phone blinging off the whole time? Or obnoxious, man, you know, could be either one, I guess, if we want to live in a fantasy world. That guy's a fucking hero.

Give him a sash. Give him a medallion. Give him a Nobel Peace Prize because he just prevented someone from getting murdered. Dick, maybe my opinion of this man has been soured because he's such a bitch. Come on, if you're in charge of a bus, right? You're barreling down the highway in Mad Mad Mad Max and someone's cell phone is Bing, Bing, Bing behind you. You have the authority to get on the voice of God and say, turn your fucking cell phone off?

You're not going to do that? I mean, I can, but I don't have any authority to. Sure, you do. You've got a microphone. That gives you all the authority in the world. You know what I would say? I would just like using my inside speaking voice. Oh, fuck off. You would do that.

Hey, man, can you turn that down? Or turn it off or answer it or whatever. And what do you think they will? Yeah. And then I would escalate. This guy goes, boom, straight to escalation. Absolutely straight to nuclear because they have to be afraid. and that's a message for everybody else on the bus to be terrified.

You check your phone, you turn your fucking phone on silent right now. Stop inconveniencing everyone. Yeah, that's a good point, Dick. Turn them under robots. Yeah, all right. Hey, today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. I know 100% that the code works.

We know 100% that the code works. Stop saying that it doesn't work. Go to the side of you use it. You get $5 off your first order. Yeah. $5 off your first order. It's a good deal. I got an email, Dick, from somebody about Harry's.

He said, he sent them an email. He said, I've made a huge mistake. This is two Harry's. Well, huge, and he puts in quotes, might be a slight exaggeration, and depending on your economic background, might be considered an extreme one. Long email already.

Yeah. Oh, it's a long one. He says, regardless, a mistake was most certainly made by yours truly. Let me explain. I listen to a podcast called The Biggest Problem in the Universe. I listen to it every week since it first aired. Before each episode, one of the hosts, a one Dick Masterson,

whose name is definitely not real. A what? Mention's that your company, Harry's, is the principal sponsor, and he seems pretty excited about that fact. Frequently encouraging his listeners to purchase your items because they're just so good.

He's always telling and retelling the story about your company being so impressed by a razor manufacturer plan in Germany, y'all bought it to use as your sole supplier. Cool, I guess. They know what a fucking ad is. You don't have to read them

the Wikipedia of what is an advertisement. Yeah. Funny, where are you going? So he said, I recently purchased two of your Truman kits, one for my beautiful face and the other one for my girlfriend's beautiful legs and things. Dot, dot, dot, dot. This is where the mistake was made. I forgot to enter the promo code.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Tough titties, dude, you already checked out. First off, rude. Second, really? I guess I'm just asking for my $5 discount. But now that I think about it, that seems kind of silly. Or maybe not. Honestly, that's for you to decide, but $5 is a burst.

burger and a soda. It's in and out. So consider that while considering my place. It's good. That's a good burger, too. Two ads in one today. Yeah. It's a good burger. So Harry's replied to this guy. They said, hi, I don't normally do this, but given the effort in that email, I will refund you. I'll refund you. You should see $5 pop back into your account within the week. If you have any follow-up questions, please let me know. I'm happy to help in any way. Happy shaving. All the best, Harry's. What a great company. First of all, let me say this. The phrase, I don't usually do this. I don't do this all the time.

It means exactly the opposite of that. That means I always do this. So I guess if you ordered, without putting the promo code in, send them way too long of an email. You know what, man? Harry's is exactly the example, the counter example of what I'm saying. They are not human robots. They're like, you know, we're going to bend the rules a little bit. Okay, we like your emails.

Cheeky. Here you go. Here's five bucks. They're human humans. What if their policy is to always give a refund, though? Then they're robots. Hey, yeah, go to Harris.com. Use promo code. Biggest problem to save $5 after the first purchase. All right. You want to get to my problem?

Yes. My problem is man buns. Man buns? Yeah. We all know what man buns are, right? The greatest, the best-looking look, hair look for the most sexual of men. No. Right? It looks like a fucking lufa on the back of your head.

Yeah. It's a symbol of power. I think we all agree. Like a samurai warrior. Except with a dick for a sword, right? Is that what we all know man buns to be? Yeah, your noodle. It's not a simple. It looks like you're a genie.

I just see a bunch of genies running around. Oh, yeah, and I'm going to make all your wishes come true, ladies. That's what a man bun says. Yeah, I wish that man bun would go away. How about that? All your worries are going to be like Robin Williams. Totally dead. Speaking of genies.

I got about 100 emails. I got 100 emails this week. 50 of them were making fun of me for the recent Rick and Morty episode with guys with tiny faces. I saw that. So fuck everyone who sent me that. The other 50 were how man buns apparently

cause baldness. Traction alopecia. Traction alopecia. Traction is in torsion? That was torsion. Well, the article I read says traction. No, I think I was wrong on that. Because torsion alopecia.

It seems like a twisting. Traction is pulling. Pulling. True. Like a tractor. Traction alopecia's hair loss that occurs after persistent, gentle pulling on the roots over several hours or days. Ooh. Yeah, unlike a hair pluck, which is painful, persistent gentle pulling may go unnoticed until bald spots or alopecia start to appear. So is this a, Dick, is this a problem unique to men? Because if you think about it, women do this all the time with ponytail's and pigtails. Well, that's what pissed me off first about this. When I first started twirling my hair up into a little man bun, right? Before it had...

Yeah. What, go ahead. Becoming a woman. Yes, go on. Yeah. Before it had caught on, right? Like, I'm always at the front of these... What?

Go ahead. It's a manned thing for like six years, man. You didn't have that long? Six years. Yeah, hipsters and silver lake's been rocking the man bun for... Madags. For a while. Maddox.

Don't say these crazy, embarrassing things. Fashion trends do not last six years. All right? Let's start there. Facebook rises and falls in six years. Man's bun's... been around for a small amount of time in the zeitgeist. Anyway, when these girls first started doing it to me, because when you have long hair,

girls always want to touch it. They want to touch it. They want to do it. They want it. They want it. They want it. You know, not necessarily that way. They want to put it in their mouths as well.

Oh. Yeah. So they would wrap my hair up in these impossibly tight buns. And I would say, what the hell are you doing, right? this can't be good. This can't be good for you. Right. You know what I'm saying?

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you drawing a caterpillar? Nothing. Over there? Don't want to do you. Are you drawing a manned on a caterpillar? Don't worry about what I'm doing.

Tell me your story. You're spacing out drawing a caterpillar. Go on. He's trying to tweak Sonic. The hedgehog. Yeah. Shut your mouth, Sean. You got a 3D model on that caterpillar later?

So I'm like, darling, this is way too tight. Right? This can't possibly. Oh, you guys, you're always so sensitive about your hair. Right? Yeah. That's the line.

line I always hear. Like, yeah, because it's like, um, it feels like Russian roulette every year that it doesn't fall out. Like, because I need, I want it. I don't want it to go. I don't want to upset it. It's like a, it's like a harvest god. It's not so mad. It's not so mad.

With Maddox. Have you seen yourself? You don't, fuck you. I don't need this shit. It is. You're like, worshiping a fertility god. Like, please, please, I don't know what you want me to do. You want me to sacrifice a virgin?

You want me to kill a bunch of cows? Whatever you want to do, I'll do it. Please let me keep my hair. Oh, no, dude. You're so fucking off on this. Look, man, given the option, I would rather have hair than not, because then I can always have the option to not have it, because I can always shave.

Uh-huh. But not having it is still fucking cool. Look at, uh, it's a, it's a, uh, men who are bald or balding look powerful. That's a fact. What do you mean? It's a fact. Like Captain Picard. They actually did a study where they showed a bunch of people different,

different hair styles on men and consistently across the board anyone who was bald they were like that's authority they just look at it as a yeah it's a very authoritative who put on this study bald men yeah no uh yeah no look into it i i they look at different hairstyles and stuff and they especially analyzed like presidential looks um it's because they were looking at obama's hairstyle versus bushes versus clintons and so on and so forth they'll have hair though who is a bald president No, but Obama has a very, like, a shortcut. But, again, the example, Bruce Willis, famous bald man, Captain Picard, famous bald man. What's the name? Patrick Stewart, the real guy?

Yeah. Yeah. And what's the name, the guy, the transporter dude? Jason Statham. Stay them, yeah. That's what I look at. Jason Statham. With John Wayne Gacy, dude, do you have here?

Yeah, no, he had plenty here. He had a man bun. Oh, he did. God damn it. Yeah. I got another study about speaking of looks. Okay. Here is a survey of women

Asked what they think about man buns Uh 27% hate them It's a lot 27% of women hate man buns Yeah I thought it'd be higher Yeah that's what that's way off Way off it's 100% Don't like them 35%

So now we're well above 50 Like them 24% Yeah Really like them 14% But you know You ask women just do you like What do you like guys And they're like 90% no

don't like. Like, come on. Who can trust these numbers? No, that's accurate, too. It's 100%. 100% of women don't like guys and 100% of women don't like man buns. They just don't like anything that guys can rock. Okay, what do you want, how do you want to defend this dick?

Have you ever worn a wig? Yes. What did you think about? How did that go? It's fucking cool, man. I have this wig that I wear. I got it a long time ago because I needed, it's a big afro. God damn it.

I got it a long time ago. Yeah, no, I wear it out sometimes. Did you mean to hire it? his baldness? I meant like a normal wig. Like a toupee? Yeah. No, fuck no.

But I got this Afro. You don't think you're not interested? That would be funny. Don't you think? They all look fake, man. They all look goofy. And also, I'm comfortable with who I am, and I'm comfortable with my hairstyle, or lack thereof.

Okay. But I got this Afro a long time ago, because I needed pubs for a costume. So I just snipped off some of the hair, and I used it for pubs. And then I had this afro laying around the house, and I thought one day, I'm going to wear this out. You know, whatever. Fuck it. And it became my party frow.

because every time I go to parties I wear this thing And you've seen me, Dick, you've seen me wear this thing to parties Yeah I show up and people, it looks What's that, me? I mean, I don't know, you got all these props for parties You need a big afro wig for parties I don't need it, it's a fun enhancer

That's what it is It's a lot of attention For one person It's a fun enhancer and I usually wear it to parties Where other people are dressed up So I wear my party fro I got my cape Like a fucking badass

I'm just, I go Every time I go to one of those parties I make a stop at Pussy Town on my way home. That's right. That's right. Population, me, and the babes. Yeah. Babes, multiples. Yeah. Well, that's my problem. It's pulling out, it's pulling out hair. How can you, and how can you not have such a beautiful look that will also pull out your hair?

It's like the ultimate catch-22. No, it's not, Dick, because one of those presumptions is false. It's not a beautiful look. It looks kind of, it's just a goofy, stupid trend. How long are you going to rock this thing? I don't know. I'm working on something with, you know, Justin, the guy who directed our live show. Yeah, Justin Donaldson, he directed our live show. He also runs the tournament of nerds show at UCB Theater, Upright Citizens Brigade in Los Angeles, with Hal Rudnick.

It's a really funny show as one of our good friends. So you're working on something with him, so you have to keep the band button. Yeah, and then I'm going to cut it. They're going to cut the hair. It's unreal. It's unreal. A real pain in the ass. Yeah, here's what a pain in the ass it is, Dick Masterson.

You have pins in your hair. Like, Bobby pins? Bobby pins? No, I don't know. It's just a hair tie. It's not a scrunchies, hair ties. It's not a scrunchy. It's like a piece of elastic. Seriously, I find, I find, like, scrunchies. No, you've had, I found your fucking scrunchies, dickhead. I found your twat.

This is not a scrunchy. I know, maybe not where you're currently wearing, but you have worn scrunchies. I have not worn a scrunchy that was mine. Uh-huh. That I didn't get that night from some girl. I do not have a scrunchy in my apartment. Well, maybe not now, but I have found scrunchy's here. Yeah, I know what is a scrunchy.

It's a little hair tie, a hair pole. But it's puffed. Oh, no, okay, not that. What am I talking about? The hair band. You're talking about just an elastic band. But what are those things specifically called? With the two little beads on it?

No, not that, Sean. Although I'm sure... Telling everybody I wear scrunchies. You don't even know what it is. What's the one that's not fluffy? It's just a band. A hair band, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And I see those around my apartment, I think, oh, man, my ex-girlfriend, leaving... Those are not mine? They're yours, dude. Why would I have hair ties at your apartment? I have one on me.

I found your hair ties. This was a long time ago. This was actually even before the podcast era, I think about a year and a half ago. But I found some, and there were bobby pins and hair things. And the girl I was dating at the time, I said, hey, what the fuck? Don't leave these around my apartment.

It's a huge pet peeve of mine. And then she's like, it's not mine. And I was like, oh, it's fucking Dix. Maddox, she's lying. No, it wasn't. Of course it's hers. Of course it's her. It was where you were sitting.

It was where you were sitting, Dick, kid, I remember. She framed me. She put them over there to leave them to spite you Because she knew it pissed you off Bullshit Bullshit man It's a goof Look, when you started rocking this thing, Dick

I thought, huh, that's interesting, why? Like if we were in the 70s, I feel like you would be wearing bell bottoms. Yeah, of course. You said earlier... The letters are awesome. You said earlier that style trends don't last more than six years.

Is that what you said? Yeah, they come in on a burst and then they taper out and then they come back in 20, 30 years. Right, but they usually last for a decade, and that's why decades have their specific looks. Sorry, wait, what? They usually last for a decade?

Yeah, about eight years. It takes the first two years of a new decade for that style to catch on, and then it hits its peak about three or four years into it, then it's on its decline, and now that's what you're seeing right now, is the hair buns going out,

and you're moving on to the next thing. But that's what happened in the 90s with flannel, that's what happened in the 80s with big hair and stupid shorts, and that's what happened in the, and fluorescent, and that's what happened in the 70s with bell bottoms.

that's what happens. That's what's happening right now with hipsters and skinny jeans and man buns. You're seeing the decline, and that's why these articles are coming out. Now it's not getting cool, so you're going to move on to the next thing. No, I'm going to move on because of safety.

That's why, because of health reasons. All right, you got another hour already at an hour. Well, I wanted to, you know what? Yeah, bring it up. I don't know if, what are you got? Do you get something to talk about? I wanted to talk about knee-jerk reactions that we saw a lot of this week.

I wanted to talk about the Pope coming into a, our government, our Congress and telling us how to run our shit? Well, my problem's long, so do another one. My problems are long, too. Okay, well, you tease the Trump thing? Oh, fuck, you want to hear about Trump? Yes.

Okay, do you have the clip? I do. Okay, so my life coach calls me out of the blue like a month ago, and he never has something that must be done. Like, he calls me urgently. Yeah. The only other time he's called me this urgently was when we had to buy AR-15s

that were on sale. They were on sale, $700, a great deal for an AR-15. And January 1, California was starting to register long guns. Right. So we had to buy them immediately. It's urgent. It's urgent. So he's like, meet me at Turner's gun store after work.

We got to buy these AR-15s. Yeah. And he was totally right. Right. Great life coaching. Sure. Right. Now we both have AR-15.

Now we have matching AR-15. You guys go on a date together. Take your AR-15s, go to an open-carry event, annoy everyone. Do it up. Go to a Starbucks and harass people. Leave some bobby pins. Yeah, leave bobby pins around everywhere. Oh, fuck you, Sean.

So he's guys, you got to buy this, you got to buy a ticket to this Trump event. Yeah. It's 100 bucks. Oh, boy. It's, oh boy, what? This is the urgent thing he's calling you about to buy a ticket to this Trump event? Yes, but it's, that's, Maddox, you've got to act fast. This was aboard the USS.

This is a board of battleship. You know, Trump, Trump usually speaks to, like, hundreds of millions of people. A noted warrior. He's doing a speech on a battleship. Yeah. And this is an event where you can talk, you can be one of a thousand people. You know? This is, please.

A thousand. Yeah. Trump's pulling a thousand people. Holy shit. No, that's all that. Are you fucking listening to this at all? Are you just drawing caterpillars? Don't worry about what I'm trying.

You doodle all the time, too. Not while you're talking. This is the only time you can see him in. And that's small of a group, because that's all the people that can fit on the battleship. Okay? Okay. So, of course, I'm on board. Yeah.

And because, you know, it's a military charity that was later found to be dicey, like, somewhat fraudulent. Which one was it? I don't know. It's like the veterans for strong military. No, no, no. It's not one you've ever heard of because it was only like run by one guy, as it turned out. And I don't know if it was a real charity. I don't give a fuck.

So the day rolls around. The Trump rally rolls. around, right? And we already have our Trump hats. Right. Our red and white matching Trump hats. Make America great again? Of course. All in caps, so it's unreadable. So America's a real shithole. We've got to make it great again. Maddox it's full of militarized

police and slacktivists and human robots and gourmet dog food. It's a horrible place. Yeah, okay. So we show up about, you know, a couple hours early to start drinking down in San Pedro

where the U.S.S. Iowa is. Yeah. You have to if you're going to a Trump rally. I think so. Are you being sarcastic? You're not being sarcastic, right? I mean that in that you have to be drunk to endure him. Oh, why? But you were drinking the party. Who do you want to endure? Who do you not have to be drunk to endure? Like who's giving a speech where you're like, I really want to be sober so I can take in these talking points? Oh, Ross the boss, Perot, buddy. He came back. Yeah. We're going to be outside. We're going to be outside in the sun.

So we're like, might as well have a six beer, seven beer buzz on. But there's like a party atmosphere for you, right? You're going in. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, that's why. So we hop in the Uber to get to the USS Iowa, and what do I see on the horizon? A shitload of protesters. Huh.

I'm like, oh, boy. Hey, dude, drop us off in the middle of the protesters. Right? And my wife coach is like, uh, are you, are you sure about that? And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to get in a fight with one of these protesters. Okay. So the Uber guy is laughing now, and I said, hey, hey, Uber guy, if the news interviews you

after this, tell him the last thing I told you was, I'm going to go get into a fight with these protesters. Good. So he's like, all right, all right, great. So we get out, get in the middle of these protesters, and immediately, the whitest guy in the world, comes up to me and starts screaming about how I'm a racist and a bigot. Huh.

Right? Like a guy with a go-to-you. Rolls right off. The accusation rolls right off your tongue. That's the word. Right off your tongue. I'm so tired of that, man. I'm so tired of just like the blanket characterizations of all conservatives as being racist or the blanket characterizations of all liberals being what communist or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, money grabbing, gun grabbing. I'm so tired. It's just such a lazy argument. It's just immediately hurl racist, racist and bigot towards just because they're conservative. Yeah. I mean, you know, if they're conservative, the far extremes of those movements like the Ku Klux Klan, white nationalists, they do do. generally tend to vote conservative. Nazis were liberal. I mean, let's not, let's not say any party

has a, um, monopoly on bigotry and racism. I, I, I think it's too simple to just say Nazis were liberal or conservative or whatever. They, they had a mixed, they were kind of a mixed. Socialist. National, National Socialist Party. They hated Socialists. No, they were, they hated socialism. They're not, the fascists. Yeah, they hated Socialists. It was called the National Socialist, German Workers Party. Right. But they hated, they hated, uh, communism, right? Yes, they hated, Communism. Yeah, correct. Socialism was big thumbs up.

Social, yeah, but socialism, anyway, it's complicated. We're getting into it. Anyway, but I hate what they did to you. Oh, yeah, it's great. And I'm laughing hystericalism. This can only go one way, right? This can only go, you are, you think you're a good person and you're ready to start beating someone because they don't agree with you. Right.

Like, I win. I win. You can't beat that win out of me. Who's half Mexican? Yeah, yeah, that's the greatest part. Would he have said that if you knew you were half Mexican? Of course not. But racists can be Mexican.

The racists can be black. Well, of course, but a white person isn't going to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mexicans can't be racist. How dare you say that? So we're going through, and all these protests, most of these protesters are having a good time because they're paid to be there. You know what I'm saying? Like all their signs are perfectly curned and illustrated.

Oh, hold on. That's a conspiracy theory. Who's paying them to be there? The group for illegal immigrant advocacy. You think? Yeah, they, because when they get that, those, those, protesters on the news, they get an ad for their advocacy group to bring in more revenue. Is this a theory of yours or do you have any evidence for this?

I didn't even know there was a question. I thought this was common practice in politics. Yeah, it has been for a long time. Yeah, I didn't, I didn't even know they were secretive about it. Oh. It was just comical to me to see all the people like, so like you imagine a protesting group. You would imagine like kind of a rebel alliance group, whereas like there's a rag tag group of people who maybe came out after work and cobbled some signs together. But these people look like, they look like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Like they're immaculately, all their shirts match,

all their signs match. It's bullshit. Like the controversy, the protest is bullshit. All paid to be there to me. So I'm having a great time, right? Whatever. We get up there, wink Martindale, as I said, introduces Trump. And on cue, the protesters come up and start screaming.

Once we get on the ship, we find out that a lot of the seats were a thousand, was like a thousand dollar seats and a hundred dollar seats yeah so i wedge in and forced my way up into like the thousand per yeah the thousand dollar seats and i'm like straddling this straddling a bunch of veterans to try to get like a good you know sure trump all right um so trump comes on and he does this thing and i start the trump chant yeah when trump you know just trump trump i totally started it good i yeah it was awesome and people were on board instantly right yeah so after the speech, he's in and out. He's got a big debate to prepare for.

He's doing his little circle of the dais. My life coach wants to bone out of there right away. He's like, all right, I'm done. We got to go drink. We got to start walking to the bar because our buzz is, we got about 20 minutes on this buzz. We need to get there in order to drink, like just time, good time management.

Yeah. Good buzz time management. I'm starting to see the world as it really is. Right, we got to get out of here. We got to get out of here. This is terrible. And I'm like, no, we can push the time, we can risk it. I got to do something.

I got to do something. I got to do something else is going on here. I got to fuck with something over here. So I go, I see Trump walking around the stage. So I plant myself on the opposite side of the stage, like, you know, like a sumo wrestler. Right. Right? Because there's, he is getting mobbed by reporters.

Like, just a sick amount of reporters. I bet not Univision. He'd be, they all escorted out of the premises. He threw him right off the side. I don't think he left Fox News out there either. Fox, really? No, he's been at war with everybody on Fox News. From Megan Kelly to the other.

guy. He's got a boycott on Fox News. That's true. So I plant my feet down there as he comes around and sure enough people are bouncing, bouncing off me, trying to get their nipples in on the action. No way, buddy, not these nipples. So you're like fighting these poor veterans who are there who like genuinely Oh, they're reporters. Oh, reporters. We're all scumbag reporters. Okay. Yeah. So Trump crosses in front of me and he's talking to this woman and I'm like, just biting my time. I have my hat in my hand, my white, my beautiful white Trump hat that just got back from burning men. So the second he's done talking to this woman, I go, hey, Mr. Trump, and hit him with the hat, Mr. Trump, can I get your autograph? And he's like, yeah, he nods, signs it, gives it back to me.

I said, hey, hey, you better win. Right. Right. This face, you better win. So then, right after that, I get mobbed by reporters. Same reporters. Now they want a story because I'm the only person that's under, like, 105. at this event, right? So they're like, who the fuck is this guy?

Yeah. Okay. So here's where... I saw this... I saw this, uh, the picture of the event and some of the people there. It looked like, it looked like, uh, it was a, like a cryptkeeper let them in. It looks, it's like the cryptkeeper's, uh, uncle, military dad. Yeah. It's like the cryptkeeper meets, not, not G.I. Joe.

No. Because they're all like old veterans. Yeah. And people show up to this event and you're like, huh, I didn't know people from that war were still alive. Like, it's like, you know, civil war era. They're wearing their Confederate outfits and shit. Yeah. They're so old.

So I was perched up in the $1,000 seats, right? Right on the edge adjacent of the $1,000 seats. And one of the event organizers runs over, and she's like on her tiptoes looking around. So I'm like, hey, like during Trump's speech, I'm like, what are you looking for? She goes, oh, we have an empty seat. I wanted to get a veteran in it.

So I was like, boom, got you. And I'm like, now I'm feeling helpful for some reason today. So I turn around and spot a guy who is, he looks like he was dead but he was obviously a veteran because he's got so many medals on him. Yeah, right? So I'm like, hey, you, you get a seat

up here. Cool. He's seat, right? Yeah. And he shakes his head and points to his oxygen tank. Oh. Meaning he I said a seat for a veteran. We get a seat for a veteran right up here. He points to his oxygen tank and he's just like shrugs. He's like, no, don't worry about it. Yeah. So then I hear, I turn back around to say like never mind to that woman and I hear, I'm a veteran. I'll take that seat.

seat and a guy maybe a seven foot tall black guy who is like sounded exactly like cool Sean just struts out from the crowd like a superhero and makes it like an immediate left and I was like hmm well yeah that kind of

backfired but anyway if he's a veteran he should have the seat no no no I agree I agree so play the clip so after I get the hat signed I'm getting mobbed by these reporters and here's the interview okay this is from a Fox affiliate here's a The Trump campaign taking center stage in front of this veterans group,

representing hundreds of thousands of vets who are now endorsing Trump as he pledges to reform the VA. The veterans are going to go to private doctors, private hospitals. That's pretty good. No, keep going. I'm just saying, that's a pretty good plan, right? Oh, yeah. Sounds just like the problem. And we're going to reimburse those doctors and those hospitals?

You can go to private doctors? No. Yes. And get it paid for? Yeah. You totally cannot. You can have whatever insurance program you want, Dick. It's just now that you can't get turned away for insurance.

No, not insurance program, buddy. Oh, veterans, veterans can't go. Veterans are slaves to the VFW. They get totally fucked over. No, they don't. My dad's a veteran. My dad's... My grandpa's a veteran.

Okay, my dad's a veteran. And he goes to the VA hospital. He's always gotten great service. He's not getting fucked over. I've had the opposite experience. Like, my grandpa doesn't even go anymore because it's so bad. But, I mean, that's another time. Go ahead.

And you're going to get the greatest service of any veterans. veterans in any country because you deserve it. Trump in his speech of more than 20 minutes under the huge 16-inch guns of the USS Iowa, again firing on a familiar campaign theme. We're going to build the wall and Mexico's going to pay for the wall. Yeah, yeah. Sure. We're going to do this thing and Mexico is going to foot the bill.

Yeah. Yeah. ...agration reform, not only talking to this crowd, but it seems at times to the crowd of protesters dockside. When a woman who's nine months pregnant walks across the border border has a baby and you have to take care of that baby for the next 85 years. Boom. I don't know if I booed that.

Yeah, women walking across the nine months pregnant women are just walking across the desert. Maddox happens all the time. Yeah. Oh, that's exactly what's happening in Trump land. All this before a standing room only crowd. Some paying as much as $1,000 a seat. Not me. Most getting their first look at candidate Trump.

I came to see what all the rhetoric was about. and delivered better than I expected. Mr. Trump is the person that's America need the most. His ideas. That guy. Mr. Trump is the person that America needs the most. Yeah, really? Did you hear what he just said, like, three seconds ago?

Yeah. Well, that guy, that guy sounded, he was, he was Hispanic. He's my check in the mail. Yeah. Mr. Trump is the president. Okay, here we go. Our fabulous for our country. That is Trump works the crowd more than leaving his mark here.

He looked at me in my eyes. He didn't say anything to me, but he gave me an affirmative nod like he was confident about his performance tomorrow night. It gave me a sense of pride. So I had been interviewed by like three papers before that. And they all wanted to know, what did Trump tell you? What did Trump tell you? By the time I got to the news camera, I was like, oh, baby, this is going to be so good.

Like, every interview I gave, it was a little bit stupider, the stuff I would put on. So by that one, I was like, I'm really going to go for it. But don't fuck around because then they're not going to play it. Right, right, right. And this is drunk. So I was going to say I was working at a handicap, but that probably was in my favor. You seemed, you seemed drunk. We're going to post this clip on the website.

It's pretty incredible. It's fun to watch, Dick. but it's a It's a performance piece Yeah Are you actually like into Trump? I can't even tell anymore Oh well let's talk about the next episode

Okay Let's talk about it on the Yeah Yeah great clip, great story We're gonna post it on the website All right this episode is getting a little hairy We should probably call them My problem this week was human robots

My problem was man buns Man buns All right Don't go bald Thanks guys You want to do more Asteroos bits? Yeah. Okay.

Here's Asteroes's news from the year 3,000. Services at the Church of DeGrasse Tyson were interrupted this morning by an unknown man who rushed the altar and screamed that he does not, quote, fucking love science. A madman who claimed science was fine but shouldn't be used as a status symbol by dumbasses, was quickly annoyed by the weak punches of the Tysonites and exited in a huff. What a monster. That's great. Yeah. Oh, this one will piss you off. The federal government passed a ban on spicy foods today. The lighting citizens from Pussyton all the way to do Pussyburg.

The law was pushed through by bland food activists who are tired of experiencing what they call the mouth out cheese. In a statement, Emperor Trump reaffirmed his call for all citizens to hunt down the last remaining spicy food holdout, the jetpack-wearing sky pirate known as Armenian black beard. Yeah, that's me with the crown jewels. I can't wait. All right, last one. And finally, some quick stories off the wire. Best-selling video game of the year 3000 is officially cutscene the game.

Congratulations. The 7th Division of the Social Justice Warriors launched their biggest ever macroaggression against men who hold doors for women. Ten were killed. Corporate ass farming is becoming so large that some family-owned ass farms are going out of business. Consumers from coast to coast are complaining that Apple's new eye asshole is, quote, way too itchy. Still a bestseller.

Haynes has finally answered consumer demand for a pair of men's shorts that's so big it blots out the sun. And 2,985 years later, burlesque dancers is still at zero

at the biggest problem in the universe.com leading to an all-out civil war between people who think burlesque dancers are just fat strippers with gender studies degrees who don't actually

kick the clothes off and people who are wrong. Until next time, This is Astorios Coconos reminding you that I'm a digital cyber demon, and I'll never die. See you in the future, kids. Oh, great. I love that. What a great bit.

Asterios hailing to us from the future. You know what, the thing is, one minor correction there. They've already made cutscene the game. It's called Heavy Rain. Oh. Yeah. Okay. I wish you guys knew at all what I was talking about.

I watched that game. Heavy Rain? I watched a less play of it. Yeah. There's no let's play. It's just turn it on and watch a movie. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, guys. And I've actually heard that about Metal Gear Solid 5, too, that there's an hour-long cutscene that you can't skip before you even start the game. An hour of my life, I've got to sit and watch a movie before I play a game? Fuck you. Are you kidding me with that shit? What else? What?

What else? About cutscenes. That's it. That's all I got. I can bet. Of course I'm voting for Trump.