The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 73

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from anti-intellectuals to pseudo-intellectuals. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where we discuss every problem in the universe. I'm Maddox, with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Did we discuss pseudo? I'm sorry, I stepped on you, Sean.

Did we discuss pseudo-intellectuals? No, not yet. Oh, okay. Not yet, yet is the operative word there. I'm going to bring that in because I'm real annoyed by pseudo-intellectuals. Oh, you're a real annoying pseudo-intellectual, buddy. All right, how do we do? Dick.

Last week, human robots came in the number one problem followed by Man Buns. I'm ashamed. Man Buns even made it on the list. You know what? Man Buns should be a problem, but it's one of those annoyance problems. No, no, no, because it's making the finest of our men, the most virile, the strongest, the most handsomest of our men bald. And that's like, that's worse than death being bald. I'm going to bring it in at some point so we can see.

Yeah, no. I mean, there are definitely exceptions to that rule of the most handsomest and the most virile men who are going bald, Dick. Absolutely not. Do you know how many people sent me the picture of Donald Trump with a man button? Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. I got pregnant. I had to get a morning after pill because I got so many of those pictures.

I don't believe that. I don't believe you would get a morning after pill. You'd deliver that baby, I think. You'd have that baby to full term. Yeah, so human robots came in, and I got a comment, Dick, from one Joseph Forsyth. He says, Maddox, one of the most egregious parts of the human robots' problem are when these people get into school systems. Yeah, he says there are many examples of students being acutely punished for getting caught up in zero tolerance policies that teachers, principals, and school administrators is in force without a second thought. Also, there's more than enough evidence that being a human robot creates more problems than it solves in school systems, and that goes double for when police and justice systems adopt similar policies.

So I, and then he posted all these links to all these zero tolerance. policies that schools enacted. Are you going to read the links off so we can write them down? Why? I'm kidding. Please don't. Yeah, no. One in particular, about a billion people sent this one to me was from Fox to now.com.

Or actually, this one's from a high school student. Another one, some kid took a razor away. Some kid was threatening to use a razor in school. Some kid intervened and took the razor away, so the kid couldn't harm other kids. And the kid who took the razor away got in trouble. Yeah, that's ridiculous. How about the kid who ate a cracker in the shape of a gun and was using it to shoot at people? He got suspended or expelled or something like that?

How about sexual harassment in like kindergarten? But I think that's more of a zero-tolerance thing than a human robot. That's human-robot. Zero-tolerance is human robots. Zero tolerance, no mistakes, no exceptions. We have to follow the rule to the T. Yeah, but if you don't do that, you're fired. That's the problem with that. Like, that's why they have the, like a judge has a mandatory sentencing law.

He can't deviate from it. Dick, Dick, we're talking, look, you're conflating judge, the legal system, which judges do pretty much have to go by the book. And actually, not really, because judges can give you any sentence they want, essentially. You can try to overturn it. Really, there is no rule that can't be bent or broken, including the one that you just said that they would get fired if they broke those rules. That's not true, because the principal could then also use his or her common sense.

And maybe this doesn't even have to escalate to the point where the principal has to intervene about a kid who chewed his cracker into the shape of a gun. The example everyone sent me over the weekend. I agree that it's a big problem, by the way. I mean, maybe zero, hopefully zero tolerance policies will be a bigger problem when that's eventually brought in. That's all I'm saying. No, it's... Not even that. Zero tolerance is the same thing, though.

Zero tolerance is the same thing as human robots. I guess we'll see then. Zero tolerance. Want to put some del on this one? No. Put some money down? I think it's the same problem. You just back from Vegas.

You want to bet? You want to do some gambling on this problem? I did all right in Vegas this week, buddy. I'm up $46. Here's how I gamble. I hate gambling. I think it's a waste of time and money, especially the latter.

And I gamble. Sometimes I'm passing by, and I got a few minutes of spare. I'll throw in a dollar. Like $1. There you go. And there's my dollar. I threw it in.

I won at Kino. You know what Kino is? Yeah, I know. I know Keno. A lot of people, you know, people outside the U.S. Might not be familiar with Kino. It's basically you got a grid of 100 numbers

and you're guessing, you know, five or six numbers. Yeah. All of them, hey, you get a bunch of money. It's like bingo, except it's not for old people. It's for truck drivers and hookers. Yeah. Basically, right? That's what it is.

Yeah. Anyway, man, one of the links that everyone sent me over the weekend was this kid in Utah was having a coughing fit. The kid couldn't breathe. Oh, I saw this one. And she wanted to use her inhaler, and the teachers wouldn't let the kid use the fucking inhaler. said, oh, well, we need to make sure that these, these, uh, this medication is approved, blah, blah, blah. They, the child could have died while they're sitting there enforcing this bureaucratic

shithead policy, which nobody, even after the fact, nobody, nobody said, oh, good job, teachers. Way to enforce that policy. You nailed it. You never seen an inhaler before? What do you do if you're the dad in that scenario? I'm asking you. You, you got to punch somebody, right?

Yeah. Yeah. They're torturing your kid in class? Somebody's got to get hit for that. But you, what? You go to jail now? Is that the world we're in? That's human robots?

Zero tolerance, Dick. You got to go to jail. You've got to go to jail, right? What if you pay like a kid to do it? See, there you go. Now you're thinking like you bend the rules a little bit. Guys, if you're not breaking our law every now and then, you're not doing it right. Mike Scrimshaw, I think he disagreed with you.

The problem isn't human robots. It's entitled dickheads like matters. Yeah, oh, I read this comment. Let's hear to this shit. Let's hear the shitty comment. You've clearly never worked in customer service, or you would know that people like you are the bane of our fucking existence. You do work in customer service, though, because you do all the customer service for your website. Right. Everyone thinks they deserve to be the lone exception, whether it's the guy at the bar who left his ID at home but is totally 21.

Or that's another great human robot thing. They're carding, like, you'll see a 70-year-old man get carded at a bar. Like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I remember one time, and I want you to finish this comment, but I remember one time I went to a theater in Utah to see the South Park movie, and I remember it was really controversial because they thought that the movie should have been NC-17, so Utah theaters wanted to ban the movie. And there was this guy who came into the movie with his date, right?

The guy was like 40, 43, something like that, and his date was like late 30s, 37, maybe. You know, 37, 38. Clearly a woman, an adult woman. She didn't have her idea on her. and the guy did. I said they couldn't see the South Park movie. They wouldn't let them in. And so the guy said, okay, well,

then she's my daughter and I'm her legal guardian and I'm going to let her in, idiot. And they still wouldn't let him. Oh, they needed to see ID for that. Yeah, they wanted to see ID to make sure that he was her parent or legal guardian. It's like you guys, first of all, fuck off, and second, use your judgment.

Yeah. Anyway, what else is they say? Read the rest of this message because the guy's a shayhead. Let's hear it. Or the woman who wants her meal, cooked with a thousand little substitutions because they did it for me three years ago. Yeah, but I, you know, with that substitution thing, I'm just like, fuck you do it. Like, no?

No? You're anti-s substitution? I'll tell you the story after this. Okay. Businesses have rules because they've deemed them the most efficient way to do things. Well, fuck them. And when you expect everything to come to a grinding hall to make your life a little more convenient, then you're acting just as selfish as some stonewalling vegan. Yeah. There's a lot more.

I'm not going to read the rest of them. Yeah, I remember reading that comment, Dick. I actually replied to him. See, everything he said... They're just doing their jobs. That's what he's saying. They're not robots. They're just doing their jobs.

They're not in a position to change the rules. Yeah. That's exactly the Nuremberg defense. That is precisely the Nuremberg defense. Just doing their jobs. Just doing their jobs. And by the way, nice straw manning in that debate. So he's saying, oh, Maddox, when you want exceptions for every little thing that someone wants to customize in the restaurant or not having their idea to bar,

Dickhead, that's not the example I gave. I gave an example where literally nothing would have. change if he let me on the bus four blocks earlier. Nothing would have changed. Yeah, you want hear some voicemails? Yeah. Yeah, this is Dave from New Hampshire. Maddox, I just thought it was really clever the way you repackaged Reverend Scott's Dick versus Dick there into Amnesia Dick or whatever it was. Like, you totally turned it into a totally different thing. I actually, you inspired me to create my own podcast. It's going to be called,

what is the biggest problem in the universe. And I think it should do pretty good. Let me know if you got any advice or anything for me. Yeah, Dick, go fuck yourself. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I got some advice for you, dude. Fuck off. How about that?

Start there. Start there, fuck. Not just part of the way off, all the way off. Oh, all the way off? All the way off. I want that guy to fuck all the way off. Here's the thing. I created that new bit.

It's called Dick Instant Amnesia. Right. And that's the bit where you take audio clips you've already used in another bit that someone sent and you reuse them. First of all, first of all, Dick, I came up with the Dick versus Dick bid, right? So if someone uses the Dick versus Dick bit, it's a bit that I created. Right. And so I can't be accused of ripping off myself.

But you already did it. It's like a rerun kind of with a different. It's different. It's like they took Save by the Bell and put it, Zach introducing it, but the old Miss Bliss stuff. So last episode, we were supposed to... And you can be accused of ripping off yourself. Well, yeah, but it doesn't hold. I mean, I don't even know what that means to rip off yourself.

But you know, John Fogarty was sued by Saul's Ants for ripping off himself because Saul's aunts owned the fantasy record stuff and Fogarty was on another label. Yeah, but those are two people, Sean. We're not... No, no, no, no. I know, but that's a rights issue. They're fighting for the rights. I know that case you're talking about.

Saul's dance accused John Fogarty of plagiarizing himself. How's that different? We could accuse you of plagiarizing yourself. The difference is, Sean, because he owned the copyright to that, excuse me, it was either the song or the album or whatever. So he owned the copyright to it, and then he spun off and did his own thing, and then he got sued for ripping off himself, you know, quote himself. That's right.

Yeah. Which is, I don't know what happened of that lawsuit, but essentially, that's a right to you. Is this an apology that you're making? to Reverend Scott for ripping off his bit right now? No, I acknowledged. How was this stuff copyrighted? Anyway, last episode, we were supposed to record the normal episode. Excuse me, we were supposed to record, yeah, the normal episode, and then the bonus episode.

So I introduced this bit. No, I had intended to introduce the bit in a different order. Oh. Because I had a different version of it. Yeah, and I specifically wanted to draw contrast to, this is not a dick versus. dick, this is instant amnesia. Okay. When you contradict yourself within

like one to five minutes, that's the difference here. Well, I think it's more like I forgot what I just said because that's the title of the bit. Contradicting it would be, right? Yeah, oh, okay. You forgot what you just said. Yeah. Okay. But I think what most people saw, though, is just replayed audio. I mean,

here's some more replayed audio, Dick. I mean... Three little words. I got a stats for you. I mean, there's like... All right. It's a replayed audio on the show, Dick. You want to hear a little more? Somebody sent in his song. Don't play it.

Fuck you. Fuck your bandwidth. Fuck your ISP. If it entertains me, if it amuses me for a little bit, beam trailer park boys into space 24 hours a day where no one's gonna watch it.

I'm the customer. I don't care. Fuck you. Come on. What? Or? That's crazy. Stupid button.

Come on. What? Come on. What? You motherfucker. Blood pressure down. But it's not the Ghostbuster. This guy actually doesn't own this photo.

It belongs to a fucking monkey. Come on. What? I got shit all over. Come on. Oh, my God. Come on. What?

What? Of course. She can smell it. Oh, what? Come on. What? You know what I love about these dick versus, these chicken shit nutless dick versus dick.

Out of context, hoarshit bitch that you. You do? You're like a fucking child. You're like a fucking child busting your dad's balls. How dare they? Stats. Come on. What? The government. So what does that tell you?

I'm probably drunk or high. Fucking monkey? Come on. What? I am right. Well, that's unfortunate. Hate it so much. I'm crazy.

Come on. What? You motherfucker. What? I can't jerk off enough times in a day to get rid of this rage. Yeah, I'm going to go have a heart attack. Yeah. Oh, man.

Good time. Who did that? Jacob Segrin. Jacob Segrin. Yeah, funny song. You know what's interesting to me is the behind the scenes of this show to me add so much depth that our fans will like never know about. Because literally last episode, Dick chastises me for, quote, yelling too much during the show. And that whole song was quotes.

That was because you said your throat hurts. Yeah. And I said you yell on the show. Like your headphones are tuned way far down. No, that's not the reason to. I don't yell. I don't, I definitely yell in the show, but I would say you yell more than I do. That wasn't chastising. That's me saying if your throat hurts, you could tone down the yelling. Like, I noticed that you yell a lot and that your voice is like kind of the same level of loud.

That's me trying to help with your throat. If you're saying your throat hurts, I'm trying to help you. Yeah. I don't think you yelled too much. But, Dick, in context, I said it was also because I was talking for 12 hours a day, like doing this game show and then doing a Twitch stream and then doing a podcast. Maddox, I apologize for trying to help you with your sore throat. What do you want me to say? I'm not chastising you for yelling. All right, that's all...

Sean, did you think I was chastising him? No, no, no. He was... See, because Maddox talks in a consistently loud voice. Yeah. Not a yell. You pick and choose your spots. Yeah.

You'll yell your head off, but then you'll talk... I don't want to blow my voice out. Yeah, you talk a lot more dynamically, aside from that. Yeah, but I mean, you yell all the time, so why isn't your voice horse? Well, I only yell on those times. Like, right now, I'm speaking in a normal voice. Oh, you're so you don't yell as much as me. Oh no, he yells more.

Yeah, I yell. But I'm not saying my throat hurts either. It's numbed up with booze. But I also, I also, I also prefaced it with the fact that I'm talking for 12 hours a day. So that's why my throat is hoarse. And my only suggestion was you could stand to bump your headphones up and not talk as loud. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. All right.

Right. Fuck, fuck me. Well, I'm interested in here. I had no idea you would take offense to that. Yeah. I apologize. salty that started that last episode, Dick, too. It's because it took 40 minutes for you to print out your stupid stats or whatever you're doing to your computer.

It's the airing of the grievances. No, let's do this. Let's talk about this. Because here's what I like to, here's the contrast I like to draw between Dick and I. When the show first started, I noticed Dick was bringing in a lot of problems where I would call what Dick did this weekend, right? So if Dick went to a baseball game this weekend, he would talk about the beer line or something. Too expensive at baseball games.

Beer's way too expensive. Sure. Or if you hung out with your family, you would talk about your nephew. If you hung out with your sister, you'd talk about your sister. If you went to, you know, Indianapolis 500, you'd talk about that. If you forgot to, you know. So I was going to bust your balls about it a long time ago. And I was going to say, man, you don't do enough research for this show because I feel like it doesn't, you know, it doesn't give the show teeth.

It doesn't give the problems teeth. Right. But then I tempered. But you do a shitload. Hold on, hold on. And then I tempered my criticism because I looked at your contribution to this show, and I saw it as you adding a different type of element, exactly what you said, which is I do a shitload of research. Yeah. But you're a pretty good storyteller. So I thought, you know what? I thought these were grievances. These are all compliments. Thank you very much. Well, yeah. No, no, we're getting to that. We're getting to that. So here's why it rubs me the wrong way when you kind of criticize. Because for the show prep, what I do is a lot.

lot of research, which is research that you don't have to do. I'm doing that research. I am bringing in really well-research problems with sound clips, with audio clips, with sources, with stats, with images, with things that I am constantly doing. And then that's on top of the time it takes for me to prepare the snacks and drinks and beverages and host the entire thing. So it takes me a little bit more time, and part of that time was preparing your Donald Trump clip last time. So when you kind of get salty about that

and then start the show with an accusation of plagiarism, that's a kind of shitty thing. Wait, this one? The show? Last episode. What do you mean last episode? What was the plagiarism? You accused me of stealing that bit from a fan. Oh, I wanted to give him a shout out, because I was just reading the comments. Did you listen to the show?

I already did. Okay. Well, mission accomplished then. No, but that's what I was talking about. Like, it started out kind of salty, and so when you get, when you get, like, a little bit pissed off that I take a little bit longer time, I would hope that you would appreciate what I bring to the show being unique and distinctly different from what you bring to the show.

Okay. Yeah. I do. Okay. I love your stats and your research. I love all of your snacks, even though I don't eat them. I love your prep work. Thanks.

There you go. I apologize. for accusing you of plagiarizing a bit. Okay. Both in that show and in this one. Great. I hope your throat feels better. All right.

Is that it? Yeah. Okay. You want to hear a shitty voicemail on me? Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Hi, I'm just calling and saying that first of all, I mean, dick, go fuck yourself. Second of all, your grammar just makes me want to fucking cut my balls off.

And third, Maddox, I love you. Take easy, guys. There you go. Was that Angelo's mom? That sounds like her, but I don't know. It sounded like a local call. All right, you want to get into some problems? I have one more comment I want to read.

Okay. This one's from Dylan Gentry. Okay, so since last episode, Dick, I released my video about self-checkout lanes. And, yeah, I find, so who is that guy? I want to find out his name. Remember the guy who said he would give me his, he would empty his account? Yeah, yeah. If I posted a video.

He's been criticizing it on Twitter. Oh, great. Let him criticize it. Because here's the thing. Every single defense of that self-checkout lane boils down to this. They say, Manox, if you don't buy any produce, if you don't buy any meat, if you don't buy any deli items, if you don't buy anything that has a barcode, if you only buy things that are heavy enough for the thing to scan, and if you don't buy too many things, they work great.

Well, shitheads, that's exactly my criticism of self-checkout lanes, is that they have all these conditions for them to work. And even then they don't work, as evidence in that video that I posted. So I got this guy, his name is, well, you know, I can't read his name because you'll see why. He says, Dear Maddox, after watching your video and listening to episode 8, in which you express your hatred of self-checkout lanes, I realized that I had been using these devices exclusively for months, if not years, at my local grocery store. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I went through a checkout lane staffed by an actual human, and your critique had me questioning the efficiency and convenience I had taken for granted.

So yesterday, as I made a stop at Fred Meyer, have you ever heard of Fred Meyer? No. It's a big store in Utah. It's kind of like a Walmart, but it's kind of like a local Walmart. But you have grocery store and automotive and electronics all in one. He said, I stopped by Fred Meyer to pick up a few things. I decided to test your theory. It was about 6 p.m. and the store was packed with shoppers.

I made my way through the aisles, selecting my items, and made sure to include at least one alcoholic beverage and one embarrassing item, and he put that in quotes. In case... What's that? What's that? What's an embarrassing item? Oh, he said, in this case, it was jockage spray, which, unfortunately, I actually needed. So he got some jockage spray, some alcohol, and a few other items.

At the front of the store, there were 12 self-checkout machines, and one helpless attendants scrambling around checking IDs, helping people weigh their fruit, clearing error messages, etc. It's a full-on shit show. And what's worse is that people are waiting in line to use them. Meanwhile, less than 20 feet away, literally half a dozen human cashiers are standing at the end of their lanes, asking passing shoppers if they're ready to check out. I picked the youngest, cutest, most femaleist-looking one, and zipped into her lane. Within seconds, I had dropped my items on the conveyor, swiped my debit card, and waited to approve that total... Excuse me, waited to approve the total as she scanned and bagged my items for me.

We even made small talk, which I actually kind of welcomed in an age where 99% of my social interaction takes place on a smartphone. Even with checking my ID for the beer, the whole process took less than two minutes, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, man, lesson learned, self-checkout lanes are for suckers, and they should be eradicated from this earth. Maddox, thank you for opening my eyes, love the podcast, etc., etc. Anyway, yeah. You changed that guy's life.

But remember Dick you brought in, you hate when people at bars sit around fiddling on their smartphones, right? Yeah, it annoys me. Why? Because they're totally removed from the experience, and it means I'm there drinking by myself, which I could do at home. Right. But when you go to a self-checkout lane, it's also one less interaction that you have with a human being.

I suppose so. Yeah. Some people in the comments were saying, hey, Maddox, it's just an opportunity for me to avoid talking to another human being. Guys, if you have social anxiety disorder, get some counseling, get some therapy. Self-checkout lanes aren't the help. Self-checkout lanes aren't the solution. Well, this guy follows your advice. Yeah. Turn out better. You might meet somebody, guys. You might go on a date just by buying groceries. Yeah, hitting on girls while they're at work, I'm not even a big enough scumbaghan to do that.

No, I don't hit on girls where they work. I don't. I don't. Dick, you don't go to a bar, and I won't say the name of it, but you specifically won't go to a bar because you hooked up with someone there. First of all, multiple bars. There you go. And they hit on me first.

Oh, okay. I always wait for them. I don't hit on girls at work. It's creepy. You got them cornered. Like, they got to keep coming back to you no matter what you do or say. Yeah. I just get a bad feeling about it.

All right. Well, those are all the comments I got. You want to get to a problem? Sure. What do you got? My first problem, can I get a drum roll for this one? Because it's a big problem, and everyone's going to hate me after I say it. The Pope.

Oh, the Pope. The Pope. The new Pope. Should I say the new Pope? Pope Francis. Well, Pope-Francess. When people listen to this 200 years from now, they'll say, which new Pope? What are you talking about?

It's Pope Francis. Oh, not like Pope Gazorg or something like that. Yeah, Pope Francis. I want to call him the Pope, though. Yeah, he's the Pope. You know what, this Pope's the Pope. Pope's really really pissing me off. Why?

He came to the U.S., he goes up in Congress and starts just telling us how to run our business. Oh, yeah? That's the point of his address, right? Okay. Like what? He gets up there and he gets up there and tells us what to do about everything. Yeah. What to do about climate change, what to do about immigration, what to do about all these

things. And I'm sitting here thinking like, what the fuck is this? Who is this person who is not a part of this country? this is like the first time a Pope has ever done this, right? Come to our government and told us how to run things. And annoyed me. Okay. Well, what?

I want to hear your whole grievance. I want to hear what you have. Well, I went down all of his lists, and I find him to be massively hypocritical in all these things he's telling us. All right. Like, let's start with the environment one. Yeah. I'll read you what he, I'll read his quote from the, I think this is one from home's. I call for a courageous and responsible effort to redirect our steps and avert the most serious effects of the environment.

environmental deterioration caused by human activity, right? I'm convinced that we can make a difference. I have no doubt the United States, and this Congress has an important role to play. So, Bigel, you better fix the environment, you guys. That's a huge problem. Yeah. How about, how about, Popey,

if you want to be a part of the solution and not on the problem list, how about you start encouraging a little bit of birth control? He has. That was, what do you mean? You're talking about condoms? Pope Francis has. has softened the Catholic stance on birth control.

In what way? Well, specifically, I have a quote here. He says, we cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage, and the use of contraceptive methods. It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time. He told Catholics to kind of chill out about the whole condom thing. This is why I don't like him.

This is why he rubs me the wrong way. Because he's saying these things, these statements that people take to mean he's like approving of gay marriage and approving of contraception. But he didn't say in there, guys, use the pill, get on the pill, get serious. He made a sweeping statement

saying don't bad mouth birth control all the time. You see like I find all of his and then I went back through and looked at all the things he said like his problems with when he brought up gay marriage he's like who am I to judge? It's like well do you think they're going to hell or not? Because that's like that's your opinion man.

What's your opinion? Do you think they're going to hell or not? Because you can make a huge difference by saying they're not going to hell. They're all right. But when you say, who am I to judge? It's like, well, what do you think? You're God's mouthpiece on earth, so you're the Pope. That's who you are to judge.

Tell us what to do. The same way we got this shit in the first place. Someone told us they're going to hell. Now you tell us they're not going to hell, or we have to keep going with they're going to hell. But that specifically contradicts the doctrine. that Catholics believe is that judgment comes down from up high and not from people. So that's why he said, who am I to judge? And specifically, he said about gay people.

He said, we shouldn't marginalize gay people. They must be integrated into society. And he said that quote about who am I to judge. Who am I to judge? He even said that about atheists. He said, uh, I know, I heard the quote. Yeah, he said that he believes atheists who live a good life are good people. I mean, this is the most progressive pope and everybody is shitting on him.

Because look, man, the Catholic Church. I have not heard everyone shitting on him. Oh, my gosh. Who's shitting on him? Who's shitting on? I'll tell you when the tides shifted for this pope. People love this pope to an extent. But when news came out that he had met with Kim Davis.

Oh, baby. Yeah, Kim Davis. Kim Davis, for those who don't know. I already wanted to bring him in before that, too. Yeah, so for those who don't know, Kim Davis is that county clerk in, what was it, Kansas. Yeah. The Kansas County Clerk who refused to issue gay marriage licenses. She refused to do her job, essentially.

And there's, there's, there's this, uh, um, um, see, I'm kind of on her. I understand, do you mind if I jump in real quick? Go, go for it. Because this is a, this is a woman, right? Like, this is what, this is what I'm thinking. Yeah. You got a government job. Right. All right. Big thing in this country is freedom of religion, right? Yeah. So when you got the job, you never thought you had to be an accessory to a mortal sin. You know what I'm saying? Like, in her, in her mind, and in her mind, heart, this is something that people do and spend eternity and damnation.

Uh, yeah, I, I, I guess, but there are, there are a lot of things. She's, but she's really cherry picking some quotes from the Old Testament, because if she's really, she doesn't believe this dick. Let's not pretend like we're violating this bitch's, uh, uh, soul doctrine, like her religious beliefs are being violated. Fuck that, because if she's, if she wants to cherry pick from the Old Testament, you know what, why don't you just swallow the entire Old Testament? We can't eat shellfish anymore. Women who are on their periods can't be touched. You can kill your neighbor's daughter.

You can trade your daughter for slavery. These are Old Testament things. She's cherry-picking this one line from the Old Testament and then making a big grandstand as if it has anything to do with her beliefs. It has absolutely nothing to do with her beliefs because there's tons of people who share her beliefs, her religion, but aren't such staunch dickhead bigots when it comes to gay marriage. And let's not pretend it's anything but bigotry. I mean, that's all it is.

It's just bigotry. She just hates gay people. She doesn't want, she doesn't want to issue them gay marriage license. Don't take the job. If you know, look, if you take that to my point, she took the job and this wasn't, like, this wasn't a thing. And overnight, now she's got to make a lot, some serious choices that I don't know are necessarily fair to ask a person to make, like a snap decision on that. You know, keep in mind, I'm four, four gay people getting married, right? For, okay, her supervisors should have had a plan in place to say, like, look, if you don't feel comfortable with this, because it's, like, against your religious beliefs, just step aside and we'll have someone else do it.

Like, you can't start serving mandatory pork in student lunches and then say, like, well, you know, if you got a problem touching it because of your religious beliefs, that's on you, quit. And finally, you're just like, no, that's not really fair, that you're all of a sudden making these people contravening their beliefs. You've got to have something in place for that. But Kim Davis, the judge who let her out of jail, said to her that she went to jail because of that? She went to jail, yeah, she's not doing her job. She's instructing justice. She's obstructing government work from being done. She should go to jail.

Like, there's nothing else you can do. You can't fire her. She was appointed to the job. I think this is kind of a liberal lynch mob that she's getting. Like, I don't agree with her, but all the hate she's getting is a little nuts. Let me finish this point. The judge who let her out of jail said, okay, you can go back to work, and so we don't violate your beliefs. that you supposedly hold so dear,

we're going to let the deputy clerk or the deputy who works there sign these papers off. And she's and then, you know what? She said no, that doesn't count. That doesn't count. She said, now she's grandstanding. Fuck off, man. Wait, me? No, no, just her.

Her. Not you. Not you. Her, she's just grandstanding. Her fucking bigotry. That's all it is, man. It's just bald-faced bigotry. And by the way, Dick, signing a piece of paper doesn't mean you endorse their lifestyle. I can sign whatever the fuck I want. It doesn't mean I endorse their life.

You're talking about someone who believes in God, though. I mean, this is like they believe in a hell in an afterlife. Just giving them that benefit of the doubt that they are, in fact, making decisions on what they believe to be the rest of their eternal, like, whatever. I don't even know, I don't know how they think it works. But if they're making decisions based on that, it's a lot. It's a lot to ask. That's all I'm saying.

It's a lot to ask you to do your job. Yeah. You know all those means. The requirements of the job changed pretty quickly. Well, then don't take a job, guys. If you're afraid that something in life might change so that it violates your beliefs, then fucking don't work. Why don't you just stay home and start your own business and do whatever you want, whatever the fuck you want, and you don't have to. Look, man, signing a piece of paper, her job is essentially notary.

She's just notarizing those documents to prove that they're legal. She doesn't have to endorse their lifestyle. She's not saying I Kim Davis support sodomy. She's not saying that. No. She's just signing her paper. And by the way, shouldn't we hold a standard also for straight people who have anal sex? Like, isn't it about time we said we talked about this?

Like, straight people who have anal sex are completely off the hook. But it's just gay people, specifically gay people who have anal sex. That's all it comes down to. Well, I mean, not gay men. Not women. Not women. Hey, I don't know. Hey, but who the fuck gives a fuck about gay women, right?

All right, anyway, so the Pope's telling us, hey, I think he could be a little more encouraging of birth control since he wants to cut all our emissions down, our carbon emissions down, right? Where's Catholicism spreading the most? It's not in America, it's all over the third world. In Africa, industrialized nations need to be making cement and cranking out CO2. Yeah, but it's also their beliefs that the world should be replenished and blah, blah, blah. So you're asking essentially, they're contradictory beliefs. The Bible contradicts itself.

They're contradictory beliefs. Because these rules were made when they thought semen was little homunculus men that you're ejaculated. Yeah. Yeah, essentially. So as soon as we discover this, that's not true, let's pump up to birth control. That's what I'm saying? You want to give big speeches to Congress? Maybe bring a couple ideas at the table.

Yeah. That's all I'm saying. Immigration. He's saying welcome, welcome all forms of immigration. All kinds. All kinds. All kinds. Whose country, whose city has the biggest walls on earth?

You've been to the Vatican? Yeah, I have. You couldn't, even with a jet pack, you couldn't clear those walls. Even with your magical crown jewel-stealing jetpack. Two jumps, buddy. I could steal, I could steal, what's his name? The Pietta. La Pietta?

Yeah, that statue? Yeah, the, Michelangelo. Somebody threw a hammer at? Oh, someone threw a hammer at that? Oh, someone threw a hammer at that? Oh, it's behind Luce-Sight, yeah, somebody threw a hammer at a long time ago. Sucks, right? Fuck, crazy.

It's beautiful. Yeah. I could steal it. Hey, as long as we're tearing down walls, hypothetical walls, why don't we tear down some real ones? You got some real ones? some real nice walls over there in Vatican City. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Where's all the immigration? Are they lining

up with the rest of us to get in there? To get into Vatican City? Yeah. There's no... You can just walk in. Oh, you gotta wait in line. No, there's not... Oh, buddy. When the gates closed, that gate is fucking closed. What? Haven't you learned anything from my methods and techniques? Remember how I said I would steal the crown jewels? Yeah, yeah.

How I walked right into the exit and they're right there and I could just grab them. Right? Same thing with the Vatican, buddy. Always walk in through the exit. I just walked right into the exit in the Vatican. I'm right there, man. Did you really? Oh, yeah.

You just walk into the exit. Oh. Huh. Can we ship all of our illegal immigrants over there then? Pope would be cool with that? There you go, Pope. Since everybody's immigrants, since all immigration's okay, we're just going to send him over here. Don't worry about that.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you think that's a little bit fucked that he said that or is not? What specifically did he say? Um, let me, was this about the refugees coming from Syria and that more countries should be, oh, should have a... We, the people this continent are not fearful of full. foreigners, because most of us were once foreigners. I say to this is the son of immigrants,

knowing that many of you are also descended from immigrants. In recent centuries, millions of people came to this land to pursue their dream of building a future and freedom. I don't know. I don't have the exact... He's said to take it easy on the legal immigration, basically. So, okay,

so this whole thing bugs you, right? It bugs me because he's sitting on the biggest fortune on earth in, like, it's... Vatican City is basically Scrooge McDuck vault. And he's like Scrooge McDuck is wandering into Congress saying, you know what? Y'all motherfuckers need to be more generous. Like quackeroony. We're being pretty generous here, Pope. And what did you? Here, let me bring in something he said about guns. This was his thing on guns.

People who manufacture weapons or invest in weapons industries are hypocrites if they call themselves Christian, right? People who manufacture weapons or invest in weapons industries. are hypocrites if they call themselves Christian. Hmm. That's a pretty damning statement. Well, right? Yeah, that's pretty out there. It's pretty incendiary.

Well, I would say specifically that because the Vatican does have armed forces. Oh, tremendously armed. Yeah, they do have armed forces. So are they then hypocrites or are the people who hold those guns bad people because they're defending the Vatican? Is that, I mean, is that the argument that's being made here? Hey, all I'm seeing is invest in weapons industries. How did those guns get made?

How are they making more? Somebody bought the ones you're using. The Pope cruises around in his magical spaceship surrounded by six guys armed to the teeth, right? No, no, he's not... Actually, he's the first Pope since, I don't remember when, but he doesn't travel in an armored vehicle anymore. In America?

Because I know he did it once when he first came in. No, he didn't travel in an armored vehicle, and I think he let a lot of his security detail go. He gets out. in the public, buddy. If I see one guy with a gun protecting him, what am I supposed to think about that statement? I don't know, man.

He just doesn't seem too worried about it, which is I think how popes should be. If popes... Right? Because they're definitely going to heaven. Yeah, it's also, I mean, you know, it's not because they're not, they're afraid of not going to heaven. It's because they are the spiritual leader

to millions of people and they want to be alive to do their jobs. I think that's the reason. But it's also doubling down on your faith. If you believe that you're there, on a mission and from God, if you're there on a mission from God, and you are, you have some direct line of communication, well, you know what, go out there, do your thing, don't worry about security, because God should protect you. And if something should happen, then maybe

that's God's will. Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay with that. Okay, you're okay with him. And I think that's what he's doing. He's actually going around without bulletproof, bulletproof vehicles. Oh, I think he relies on guns. So here's the thing, Dick. Here's what I'm wondering. if you took all those quotes that the Pope said and misattributed them so that you removed the Pope's name from those quotes and said that someone on Tumblr said it I was just thinking Tumblr,

or someone on the internet, some whatever website, some activist website, maybe a liberal, if someone had said that and you ascribed the quality of being American to that person, right? So just an average Joe said it, you probably wouldn't have a problem with that

because we all have opinions. Right. And the Pope is just another person who has opinions. It reminds me a long time ago of a conversation I had a long time ago with a buddy of mine who really got pissed off and irked any time a celebrity espoused any political opinions on TV. And he just kept ranting about this. And I'm like, buddy, do you get pissed off when CNN interviews a average Joe plumber and asks their opinion on what the country should do or what direction the country should go in or what economic policy should be?

or et cetera, et cetera, if they ask a housewife, if they ask a librarian or a teacher. He said, no. I said, well, guess what? Celebrity is just another person who has a job, who has an opinion. And they are American, just like you and me. And there's no difference between us and them. We all have opinions. So if the Pope comes to Congress and says,

hey, guys, here's a bunch of opinions. He's doing that as the Pope, sure. But he's also doing that as a person who has opinions. And anyone who goes to the White House, even that little kid who made that atomic clock that Obama invited him to the White House. Well, someone made the atomic clock. I don't know if it was the kid.

Even NBA players, even baseball players and jazz musicians and anyone who visits Bill Gates, anyone who visits the White House has opinions as people. So how much can you impugn the Pope for having opinions just for being another person? A guy with an opinion does not get an unlimited address to Congress, an unlimited, televised address with applause breaks every minute and a half. He's speaking as a pontiff for a major religion as the mouthpiece of God.

That is my big problem with it is that to me, after seeing that speech and after thinking about these hypocrisies, I see it as like a guy who will say anything to a girl just to get the tip inside of her. Right? And he's like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, gay, he's great, atheist, great, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember me when they pass around the plate. I see it as one big ad, because all of the things he's busting our balls for, he does in spades. That's why it annoys me. I don't think all of the things.

The only thing that really sounded egregiously hypocritical here was the gun thing. Like, if you're asking people not to invest in gun manufacturing, then don't have armed guards at the Vatican. Because you can't have one without the other. He's busting capitalism's balls, too. Yeah, well, sure. I mean, he's not, you know, he probably doesn't have completely capitalistic views, and neither does America, to be frank. America is not purely capitalistic.

Wow, that's true. But the Pope, the Pope... Oh, yeah, but a real great pub thing. I'm going to wrap it up. I don't want to take forever on that. All right. The Pope, the reason he gets that platform is, again, he is the mouthpiece for millions of people.

And if not, the mouthpiece, at the very least, at the very least he represents a huge portion of people. I think that he gets that platform not because because Congress is his lap dog or anything like that, but because he's a popular person. Hell, man, if I go to do a talk somewhere, people are going to show up because it's me, but if some Joe Schmoe shows up,

not as many people will show up and there won't be a platform for that person, right? Max, you're not getting an address to Congress. I don't know what the world is like in your head, but that's not happening. Especially now that they know you've been ripping off bits. Fuck you, Sean.

All right, guys. I got a real problem. Go vote up the Pope, you motherfuckers. So that's your problem? The Pope. You specifically want to name it as the Pope and not Pope Francis? Yeah. Okay.

Because he's going to be there forever. All right. Big scam. This Pope. It's a big scam. You know I'm good with scams. You are. I see a big scam on this Pope.

Yeah. Well, here's a big scam, buddy. Big scam that nice guys are pulling. Friends-owned pussies. That's my problem. Yeah. Yeah, friend-owned pussies. Dick, you know the term friend-zone.

Only academically. Only academically. Get out of here. Look, Forchand's not academic, buddy. No, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what Friends-Zone is. FriendZone, it's the number one grievance that people have when they strike out with women.

Guys, mostly guys. And actually, I've heard it from the other side, too. I've heard women lately complaining to me. I have a lot of female friends, and they confided me. And they say that, you know, they've been friends owned by guys. Including you. What do you? Oh, these are friends of yours.

Friends of mine, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And guys and girls, well, they do, they make different types of mistakes, but generally, from a guy's point of view, it's pussy on a pedestal. And from a girl's point of view, it's dick on a pedestal. Okay. I was trying to think of a more cleverly, dick on a. Yeah.

Dick on a dais. Dick on a dais. That's pretty funny. Yeah, Dick on a deus. So I was at, well, I'll just tell you this story. I was talking to a guy a while back who said that, you know, he had a huge crush on this girl. And they'd gone out like, you know, three, four times. And I'm like, all right, well, how's the sex?

And he says, oh, we haven't kissed yet. I'm like, ah. Idiot. Get out of there, but it's done. You're done, man. Look, this goes for everyone, guy or girl. Yeah. If you go out with someone more than twice or three times, three times the absolute limit,

you go out with them more than three times and you haven't had anything sexual, not even a kiss. But you've tried. Yeah. Well, what I'm about to say is irrelevant of whether or not you've tried. If you haven't done it, then it's gone, most likely forever. 99% chance it's gone forever. But if you tried and it didn't happen, it could happen at some point later on down the line.

But that friend zone is a cement, buddy. It starts to set the moment you step foot in their door, the moment you step foot in that restaurant on that first date. Hmm. And I'll tell you why, because that cement. Well, I'm still processing the try part. But go ahead. I'll tell you why trying.

Trying is different because once you've communicated, the entire problem of friend zoning boils down to this one thing, right? You just have to communicate sexual interest in somebody. And that word sexual is so important. That's everything.

Because sometimes guys and girls forget that the opposite sex likes sex and they want to have it with you possibly if you make a move. But if you try, if you make that first move, you try, at least you've planted a seed in their head.

then way on down the line maybe after a breakup maybe when they're when they're having a moment where they're feeling like a booty call they might you might pop into their head but if you don't try

you're describing something that borders on very creepy he's the boner to cry on yeah so when they get no no no no no that's the friends on Sean when they're vulnerable when they're weak when they need something they might

exchange sex for No, no, no, no. Compassion is what you're saying. Nobody. Okay. That is friend zoning. I'm talking about if you try, the distinction between trying and failing and not trying at all, okay?

The trying and failing, at least communicates to them that you're interested. Because down the line, you know what? They might just be sitting around one night. They want a booty call. They might call you over. I really see this in the opposite terms. How's that? If you try, if you make any kind of overture, sexual overture, or even like a romantic one.

Yeah. Someone treats you as a friend. you should know the difference pretty clearly whether they're being friendly or whether they want to be intimate with you. Right, right. If they reject that, then I'm out. Like, I'm like, oh, okay, we're not sexually,

you're not sexually interested at all. Like, whatever, so you have a nice life. Right. But if you don't try, like, you can, I think you can go a long time with a woman without trying and still something sexual will develop. No, no way, man. If you go a long time with a woman,

like, yeah, it can happen. I'm not saying it's outside the realm of, possibility. Like sometimes one of my good friends is dating their high school sweetheart and they said in high school they never had anything romantic and then they reconnected years later and it became a thing, right? That can't happen

but it's exceedingly rare. If you meet somebody and you're interested in them, I'm talking to you guys, I'm talking to you nice guys, right? Who are too, who respect the woman too much to have sex with her. Right. Oh. Oh. Oh, dear. You guys. Is that a thing? Oh, it's a thing.

It's the nice guy syndrome. That's what this boils down to. These guys, these are nice guys who don't want to have sex because they're in it for their friendship and they're in it for, you know, they don't want to mislead the woman into thinking that they're only in it for sex because most guys are in it for sex and they're different. You know how I know so much about this, Dick? Because I used to be one of these guys. I used to be a nice guy. Ah, yeah, well, I'm still a nice guy, but I'm a nice guy who has sex. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. Did you not think that women enjoyed sex as much as they do? It's a good question. Yeah, that is a good question.

John, I'm gonna think about that for a second, but I will tell you what I viewed sex as. I viewed sex as something that all guys wanted all the time, and that's all they wanted from women. And I wanted to draw a distinction between myself and those men. So that was your value. Yeah. That was the value you were saying you provide.

You're there for like listening and shit. And by the way, when we're saying nice guy here, let's just for going forward, it's nice guy in quotes. We're not talking about literally like nice guys I'm a nice guy You're a nice guy Sean's a nice guy

We're all nice guys But I'm talking about The quote nice guy The guy who Becomes a friend with a woman But is insincere Right And is manipulative

Right And would swoop in At the opportunity And writes those like Weepy comics Talking about how the girl Always confides in him Oh why aren't they're nice guys

And he secretly thinks Well I'm a nice guy Why don't you date me I've never heard a girl say How come guys can't be like you. Like I've seen them tell that story. Like a girl, a hot girl I've always been interested told me how come guys can't be like you. But I've never heard a woman say that out loud. It's like a, it's like a pussy's version of a porno. Like you watch a porno and I'm like,

this never happened. Like no guy walked into a sorority house and he's getting six blowjobs. That's like how I feel. It's like, what woman ever said that to you? I don't really, I don't think she meant it. Maybe her tone was being sarcastic or something, but I don't think that they think that. Oh, it's happened, man. It happened to me when I was, when I was 16, 17 years old, when I was, I think like 16, 17 years old, when I first started taking interest

in women and wanting to date them, whatever. You know, I became the quote nice guy and we would hang out a bunch, and I always thought I even thought, I remember, like, women would confide in me to that level like talking to me about their dates and stuff and these were women that I was interested in, but the problem was. And you would listen

to it, thinking that it would, establish a bond. Yeah. Okay. And it did, but that bond was only friendship. Let me, let me, let me just say this. You had more. Sell more.

I'll say this after. Okay, I, I, so that bond that I was creating was friendship. And back in the back of my mind, anytime they complain about men and how awful men were, blah, blah, blah, I thought, well, why couldn't that be me? And then that's, yeah, but that, that has changed radically. I don't hear that anymore. But what did you want to say?

I wanted to say that women, I think, because I get what you're saying now, that guys will try to get close with women by just listening to them talk about like whatever shit they were doing. Yeah. Like the emotions that are on their mind. Right. And my thinking is that I'm just trying to unpack right now, women share their feelings compulsively. Like I think that these friends own pussies that you're talking about, assign some kind of like special meaning to the confidence that a woman that they're into is sharing with them. Like I'm telling you about this thing.

she's telling them about this thing, this trial that she had, but that's not what women are like. Like, guys are like that. I'm not going to sit down with a guy and tell them something hard that I'm going through with just anybody, right? You know what I'm talking about. It's got to be someone close to you, right?

Yeah, or else I'm like sitting down with a guy at a bus. Women aren't like that. Women will compulsively share with everyone. You know what? Even when, you know, you don't want them to. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, okay. I mean, yeah.

They're talking a drive-through boxes out there with what they're dealing with, you know? Yeah. The thing that changed The thing that shifted And this is the problem With all these friends on Pussies Right

The guys who don't get it Is that they need to communicate To those women That they are interested in them Sexually That's everything in the world Everything in the world Comes down to that

Do you really think that That's absolutely it And I remember the moment I realized this Right I went through the spell When I was single For about a year and a half

Two years Went on you know I went on dates and stuff Uh huh hooked up here and there, but it wasn't really, I didn't feel like I was dating anyone because all these girls I was hanging out with were just that girls I was hanging out with.

We weren't having sex. We were just going to parties together and doing, yeah, doing like dating things and stuff like that. But not banging. No. Okay. No, very rarely banging. Then I remember, I remember,

this is the moment that shifted for me. I went out on a date with this girl who, man, I hit it off so hard in this bar. I remember my friends came over This girl was like a babe, total babe, right? Really cute smile, just we were hitting it off. And my friends came into this bar and saw me alone with this girl and they were running patterns, wingman patterns.

Like helping me out like coming over here. Oh, it was great. It was good? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, they helped out because there was one cock blocker who came through and one of my friends came in and like tackled him. It was awesome.

So I thought, okay, well, I don't want to blow it with this girl. She's so cute, she's so cool, we're totally hitting off. What are we talking about here? What she looked like? She looked like Drew Barrymore in her prime. Okay. You know what I mean? A little bit of like a smush face.

A little bit chubby, but she hides it with the... You mean like an E.T. Yeah, there you go. Like when she was in E.T. No, man. Like, imagine Drew Barrymore, like, I think... think Drew Barrymore has a cute smile. So it's like Drew Barrymore's smile

and then like a really nice like petite body. It was just a baby man. She was a babe. Right. So anyway man, I finally got the balls at night to simply communicate something about her looks which I realized is something I had never done before.

Like with a woman? With any of the, well any of these girls that I had been dating. With girls after I started dating them then I would communicate that they looked good and they were No shit. Yeah. Oh, wow.

See, Dick, the reason you've never heard some of these like friend's own terms. Because I start with that. Because you start with that. Yeah. Exactly. Guys, the difference between a friend's own pussy and a guy who gets laid. And by the way, guys, it doesn't just have to be you getting laid. You might want a relationship.

That's fine. All of the stems from sexual attraction. And if you don't communicate that to them, then they don't know. And they're guessing just like you. And if you're that dud guy who's hanging around all the time who never communicates that to them, they're going to think you're a friend, because of course, why wouldn't they? Can I tell you this? I think those friends' own pussies take it especially hard because they do want a relationship.

Like, they've romantic, they've turned this woman, they've built this character for this woman that they think she is. Right. And they want to marry her. It's not actually her. No. Of course. It's not. It's a fantasy.

But they want the relationship so bad that they get out of control, insanely jealous. And that's when you become a stalker. And that's when you become a creep. And that's when you start thinking about. these people to the point where it's unhealthy. Let me give you an example of this happening with a woman. A woman friend of mine came up to me one time

and she told me about this guy she was crushing on. And I already communicated to this girl that I had no interested in her sexually, right? So then she changed... How did you communicate this? I told her I had a girlfriend. Smart. Yeah. So that shut it down pretty quick. Immediately, very efficient. Because I could tell there might have been

a little something. I said, you know, I'm going to shut this. I'm going to get this in the butt. I have a girlfriend at the time, and I I nipped it in the butt. So then she felt comfortable confiding in me because we were just friends, and that's all we were, and that's all I wanted, that's all she wanted. Great. No miscommunication. Awesome.

We are in alignment. So then she started telling me about this guy she was interested, and I said, okay, well, what's going on. She just, well, he's really funny. He's a great dude. Oh, God. He's really popular. Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, so shoot him.

Do you have his phone number? He goes, no. She goes, no, I don't know what to say to him. I said, okay, um, Show me his Facebook profile. So she pulls it up. I said, got it. Bingo.

I know what to say to him. Oh, I thought it was going to be you. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no, man. No, I nipped it in the bud, man. So we're just friends. So she pulls up this guy's Facebook profile,

and I'm going through it, and I see his interests, and I see his hobbies, and I see the type of movies that he likes. That's enough for me to build a profile of who he is. And so I said, okay, send him this message, and I crafted the perfect message. She goes, well, you type it. Wait a minute. You're hitting on guys.

Yeah, yeah. It's just like the movie Roxanne or something. Yeah, yeah. Call Maddox, he'll hit on... Are you interested in a guy? Call Maddox, he'll hit on him for you. Hey, man. 100% success rate.

I'll hit on anyone. Best man hit her on in the business. Look, dude, I know how to hit on chicks. I know how to hit on guys. I don't see how that's an insult. It's not an insult. Good. Because I know how to hit on anyone.

I just think it's a little... I'll hit on your dad. Funny, that's all. You're going to get on my dad? Oh, no. No, he's married. I wouldn't do that. And he's a dad.

And a man. You got a problem with married guys now? So anyway, so I crafted this perfect message. And she goes, oh my gosh, it's genius. I said, I know. Of course it's genius. It's so gross. Do you remember what the message was?

It was something, a reference about a movie. Hey, dude, nice tits. You want to watch Lord of War and finger each other? gotta go. Netflix and chill. Right? That would work. That would work on any guy.

What up, bro? How's your ding dog? That's how you'd hit on a guy. You know what though? Look, you're either going to respond or you won't. Oh, no, Dick, thank you're fucking bullshit school thought. No. No.

But actually, what Dick is saying is correct. If you do message a guy and communicate anything sexual right off the get-go, you're definitely going to get his attention. But it wasn't that. I'm kind of turned off by chicks who are overly promiscuous, though. Yeah, me too. Like, I really am. A little bit, a little bit.

Like, look, you got to, you got to... You got to make me think I'm working for something here. Yeah, finesse me a little bit. I need the carrot, not the stick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the string, the count in the string example you gave. Yeah, I like it within the third message. Like the first three messages.

Yeah, not right away. Not right away, not the first. Because I think you got issues. Yeah, yeah. Then I don't need to ask about your dad. I know what happened. Unless, unless you have that rapport beforehand, then go straight to sexually. Yeah, you want a booty collar, call me, buddy.

Or, ma'am. Ma'am. I can just see like 10 chicks lined up in a bar now. Hey, can you message this guy on Facebook? For me, Maddox? Sure. I'm good at it, man. Chicks aren't good-headed.

Chicks are awful. As you know, Dick, chicks are awful at picking up on guys. They're really bad because they almost never have to do it. Guys are always coming to them. So when they have to, when the tables get turned and they like a guy and they're trying to craft that perfect message, aha, it's not so easy, is it, Dickhead? Then you come to me. Maddox.

Yeah, they usually just have to lure them in. Master of seduction, Maddox. Yeah. Oh, God. So what happened? So I sent this message. To a man. Yeah.

perfectly crazy it was witty it was funny it was sarcastic it was a little bit dark a little bit sassy no no dude so so i said the first message it wasn't flirty because i'm not i'm you know it grossed me out i'm not gonna do that okay but uh i sent the perfect message that's an introduction that tells you about her character tells you a little about about his it was the perfect introduction message so of course he he writes back immediately and she's she's like what should i say i'm like what would you Too eager. Delete him. Well, yeah, first of all, right? But no, he messages back, and she goes, oh my gosh, he messaged back.

You're right. I'm like, yeah, of course I'm right. Of course he's going to message you back. So then she hands me her phone to start chatting with this, dude. I'm like, oh, whoa. I'm like, oh, lady, come. I'm not your, I'm not going to know. I'm not going to do this.

She goes, well, I don't know what to say. I said, what would you say? Because at some point, you realize I'm not dating this man. You realize at some point you have to take over, and he has to get to know. you because he's potentially going to bang you, not me, he's never going to bang me. She's way over-analyzing this too. Exactly, Sean. Just talk like a fucking human being. Sean, so what does this sound like? A woman who's way over-analizing this guy. Friends on pussy. No, a friend's on pussy. That's exactly. So she turned, she turned herself

into a friends-on pussy because what she kept doing and then I said, lady, look, I did this favor for you. I gave you the introduction. And within like the first three messages, I said, well, get to the point where you're going to get his digits so you guys can start texting. Yeah, ask out right away. Yeah, that's the next step. Always. And so she got the digits within like four or five messages. And I kind of, you know, kind of coached her on how to do that. So she got the guy's digits. And then she kept texting me all night. She's like, well, what should I say to this? What should I say that? And I just put my phone on silent, put in my pocket, moved on with my life.

Because, and then I pulled her aside the next day when I saw her. She's like, well, he sent me this last text and he hasn't replied yet. And he hasn't blah, blah, blah. And she started over analyzing everything. every text that he sent. By the way, you got to do this guy a favor and fuck up the texting. Because this girl sounds like a fucking pill. Well, I mean, look, man, when I have friends who have this problem, I try to coach them through it to get over that pussy or dick on a pedestal. Dick on a dice.

So I told her, I pulled her aside. I said, look, lady, how much time and effort do you think he's spending sending these texts to you? Do you think he's thinking about you right now? And she said, no. I said, exactly. He's not. So why are you thinking about him? Who gives a shit?

He's not a thing until he's a thing. And it's the same thing with all these guys who are friends own pussies. The girl that you are obsessed with is not a thing until she becomes a thing. Period. Stop obsessing. If you haven't made that move within the second or third time, you guys have gone out, you guys haven't made out, you guys haven't had sex, you haven't done anything. Forget it. It's gone.

Forever. Forever. Forget it. Move on. Find another girl. And don't fuck it up with her. and communicate sexual interest because guess what? Big surprise, we're all humans and we all like sex,

including the girls that you're obsessing over. Right. Yeah, that's my whole problem and a solution, all wrapped in one. What's the solution called? The solution is bang. Let you do all the romancing. That's the solution. Yeah.

Like a 900 number interceptor. No, and I do think that the friends' own pussies that you're talking about are also like the most vicious when they finally do get dumped, if it ever happens. Like they're, the last, only one story comes to mind. This guy was,

this girl I knew who, I was kind of just hanging out with her. Like, we would go do nice stuff, like fun stuff together, like date-ish stuff, but we wouldn't, it wasn't a friendship, it definitely wasn't a friendship. I did kind of want to bang her, but I didn't want to make it like a priority.

So how was it not a friendship? hadn't banged. Well, because we're going out on dates every once in a while. How'd you kissed? I got a... No, no, no, I'm not... Because, look, it's like a... It's like a clock for me.

When you start with the kissing and the romantic shit and the sex, it very quickly devolves into someone pounding on my apartment door at 3 in the morning, demanding to know what our relationship is. Like, are we a relationship or not, you motherfucker? door, I know you're... Like, that's what my experience is. So I try not to pull that cord until, like, the time works for me. I'm like, okay, I could have, like, a two or three month fling with you.

This time works right now. I'm going out of town in mid-July. Right, right. This is, like, Burning Man is in four months, so we don't need to have that conversation. Oh, my gosh, Dick. What? You consistently have this problem. You know how you avoid this problem?

Just right from the get-go, communicate what you want. Because I tell chicks sometimes if I have absolutely no interest in them other than sexual, I tell them that. And you know what? Sometimes they bail and sometimes they stick around. Oh, that's very hurtful to say to someone. No, it's not. No, it's not. Because guess what? This one girl I saw for two or three months, it was a relationship that was almost entirely sexual. We'd hang out sometimes. And then when it, you know, but we communicated with each other. She asked me some, you know, someday would you ever want this to be more?

I said, no, I'm not really in that place right now. and I said, look, if this means no more sex, I'm okay with that. I understand if that's what you want. She said, no, I definitely want sex. Well, there you go. That's what, yeah. No, she said, she said, I definitely want sex. I was like, okay, game on. Here we go.

I don't know. It just doesn't work for me like that. You've never tried it. Have you tried it? I have, they'll bring it up. They'll say like, it's okay if this is just a second. I don't know. If it's, like, then what are we even doing?

Just baby. It takes the magic out of it, Maddox. It needs to be a mind game as well. You're fucked. And besides, they know. Like, they, the whole time I'm sitting there, like, how do you even have to ask? Like, if you have to ask, you know. That's my philosophy on it.

No. Now, I dated a girl. Actually, the last, girl I dated, my last serious relationship, she wanted a relationship right from the get-go. And it was a long-distance thing. And I said, you know, it's too hard. I don't want that, for sure. I don't want a long-distance relationship because I've done that.

I've been there, done that, don't want to do it again. and so she had she had kind of written it off as a thing that was never going to happen and then at some point it did down the line but yeah things can change I mean whether or not whatever you communicate to them things may change down the line but if you communicate what you want up front and then stick to it there's no problem I think I think it loses a lot of what made it good when you communicate that because it's like well then like you're not putting out the you're not going the extra mile to to make me happy then You're not working for a relationship.

Now you're just like kind of squeezing blood from a stone at that point. Like you're trying to ring the last bits of affection out of something that's already dead to me. That's what happens. Okay. So it's not good for me. I don't like it. So to recap our philosophies, my approach is to be honest, to stop being a friend zoned pussy, be honest and communicate up front.

what you want, and Dick's approach is to do the exact opposite. Don't communicate that up front. Well, not if you're a friend's own, if you're a friend's own pussy, make your intentions clear, and then if she's not into it, leave. That's true. Okay, then we see I-Dye. You're not going to dupe her into wanting to fuck you. Exactly.

Like, she doesn't want to fuck you. Exactly. Like, what are you like Cosby 2.0? You're going to trick her into it, you know? Like, oh, here, if I provide enough value, like, you're just not good enough, man. You're not a stock portfolio. Relax. She doesn't like you.

You know? Yeah. Yeah. And I have a ton of experience in this from guys who hang around with girls I'm dating. It used to drive me insane that they would keep these dudes around. Mostly because they feel, partly because they feel sorry for them, but partly because it feeds, like, it's a thing for them.

It's like a safety net for them. It's like it feeds their ego to be there for this guy. Have these guys spawning for them? Yeah. So they won't get rid of them. That's my experience with it. And I feel bad for them because they embarrass themselves. The guys?

Yeah. Yeah, it's so embarrassing, man. I just want to take them aside and go like, dude, come on. I'm getting ready to break up with this girl. You don't want this. You don't want this. Yeah, you don't want this. You don't want my sloppy seconds, bro.

I've seen that, too. I've seen that happen so many times. Like, a girl will be dating a guy. And then she has a bunch of clingons. Right? And the clingons, and I'll notice the clingons. And I'm like, I pulled the girl aside. I remember, I had this conversation with this girl one time online.

And I told her, most guys who are your first guys, and who've been your long-time friends, probably want to fuck you. I'm just going to put that out there. They probably want to. And even if they don't actually do it or will never do it, they've probably thought about it. And I pulled her aside and I said,

you have a guy, and she goes, no, that's not true. That's not true. I have a guy friend who I've been friends with for eight years. And we're just friends. And we've never wanted, he's never wanted to have sex with me at all. I said, have you ever asked him? Yeah. And she said, no, I haven't.

I said, go ask him. And she goes, fine, I will. She came back to me 30 minutes later. 30 minutes later, she goes, oh, my gosh. I'm pregnant. No, she came back 30 minutes later, and she said, you're right. Yeah. I couldn't believe it.

She said, I've known this guy forever. Yeah, she said, I've known this guy forever. And then they started talking about it, and they had like a four-hour conversation that night. She came back to me the next day. This was way back in the early days of the Internet when I was still using, Yahoo Messenger, you know, some of these old chat. So I was talking to this girl. She said, yeah, I talked to him for about four hours about his thoughts and his feelings,

and he said that he's always had a crush on me, and he just never knew how to communicate it to me, and he'd always been hanging around with me. So, guys, when you start to guilt these girls for putting you in the friend zone, guess what, shithead, you put yourself there. Yeah. All right? Because you put yourself there by not having the balls to stand up and communicate what you want and see if it's there, see if it's mutual.

And if it's not, fuck off and move on. You know what, deal with rejection. You're going to get rejected all the time. You're going to get rejected for jobs. You're going to get rejected for relationships. You're going to get rejected for colleges. Deal with rejection. And here's how you deal with it.

You become better. You become a better person that somebody won't want to reject. You don't think guilt the girls for putting you in a friend's own dickhead because you put yourself there. I mean, I'm going to say, I agree with everything you're saying except for the be better. Because sometimes it's just you're not it. That's true. Sometimes they'll go for a total piece of shit. You're just not it, dude.

Relax. Like, you just can't have everything you want in the world. It doesn't work like that. It's not a linear scale. That's true, Dick. Sometimes you're not it. Sometimes for whatever reason, you might not be clicking it with that person. Because not everyone clicks with you, obviously.

If you think that everyone should be compatible with everyone else, then you're opening yourself up to a lot of ones and twos. It's like, what if a guy didn't want to be your friend? Yeah. Chase him around? What's wrong? What's wrong with me? What can I do?

What can I do to be better? You're only friends with assholes. Yeah. Gosh, he doesn't want to hang out with me. Nobody wants to go bowling with me. And I spent all this money renting bowling shoes for everybody. And then stalked them on Facebook and say, oh, he went bowling the other day with someone else.

He never wants to go bowling with me. What I was going to say, I started that story, I didn't finish it. The girl that I was just hanging out with every once in a while. So I enjoyed her company. There was like a flirtation there. She was a nice girl. Okay.

This guy that was. like obsessively trying to bang her and I even gave him some tips I'm like look this is what you got to knock off this you're doing just do this like jokingly because I did want to help him out he exploded on her one night because all these these uh pussification feelings got just overwhelmed his his uh tampon one day and he couldn't take he couldn't take being friends owned it anymore he exploded on her she called me came over wanted to come over and drink and talk about it like to get her mind off her because she was so yeah we We did a bunch of blow and banged.

It was fucking awesome. I was like, well, way to go, dude. Way to go, idiot. I bet if I took a picture of you and said it to him, he would kill himself. Oh, yeah. What idiot. Oh, wait a second. I think I know who this is.

Okay. All right. Interesting. Oh, boy. Oh, you think you know who it is? I know who it is. Uh-oh. Oh, I know the story.

Oh, this is a good story. It's a really good story because I know exactly what's going on here. Anyway, hey, I think these guys are a big problem because they're Salting the earth for the rest of us. They're salting the earth, yes. Yeah. Guys and girls, please stop worrying about the friend zone because it's invented. It's something you're creating.

You're putting yourself there. It's a jail that you invented. You're opening the door. You're walking in. You're shutting it behind you and you're throwing away the keys. Fuck off. Be a better person. And you know what?

You won't get everyone. You won't get everyone. You're not going to be attractive to everyone. But the better you are, the more likely it will be that you will be attractive to more people. Look, man, I worked on myself a lot And I still have a lot to do But before I did that I was this friend's own pussy

And I got out of that jail I finally found the key I figured it out You gotta communicate sexuality You gotta be a better person Be a better version of yourself Well, yeah It increases the likelihood

It's just an odds thing Look man Yeah, but I like being a sleaze ball And I try to be more of a sleaze ball And I think there's a lot of girls who just hate that Like they're like oh, you act like a scumbag Like you do all these dirties scumbag things, I don't want to date you.

And I'm like, well, that's like the best version of me. I like being that. So, fuck you. Like, I don't care. Yeah. Hey, you know what the Pope is great at, though? What? It's got a nice, clean, shorn face. This episode is brought to you by Harry's.

He uses those German blades. I don't know if he does. The last Pope, you bet your ass used a German blade. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I'm thinking of the last Pope. The guy that was in the Hitler youth. What was his name? No, but, but, you know, Pope Palpatine. Palpatine.

The last guy. Oh, Benedict. Oh, Benedict. Yeah. It was Benadict. No, but this guy's from Argentina, and we all know where the Nazis went. Wow, we've got a lot of Nazi folks, right? This is a great Harry's ad. It's going to get cut.

So he would use German blades. You get five, go to harries.com, use biggest problem is the promo code. You get five bucks off. It's always free shipping in Harry's. They make a damn good razor. Everyone knows that. You know that. Sean, I don't know if you know that, but everybody else knows that.

Sean, how often do you shave? A few times a week. Okay, you shaved then. Yeah, I just, I think I shaved yesterday. All right. I can't be bothered most of the time. You're spending money at the drugstore on your razors, Sean? No, I'm not.

You're not? I'm not, I'm using the Harry's. Are you fucking really? Yeah. All right, well, Sean's, uh, every, all the Sean lovers in the audience, and if Sean endorses. Sean's a loyal supporter of the biggest problem in the universe. I got an email from Scott A. Bear about Harry's Razors. Gentlemen, thank you so much for your podcast.

Each week, my Wednesday night has become a ritual of listening to the new episode while drinking and playing video games with the wife. Oh. Okay. Cool life, man. Cool wife. Additionally, thank you for going with Harry's as a sponsor. That's, you know, we did vet a lot of sponsors.

We chose Harry's. As a member of the U.S. Air Force, I am required to have a clean-shaven face at all times. For somebody who has the facial genetics of a pirate Viking, this is horrible on my wallet. You have incredible facial hair as well. Yeah. Do you find, do you identify with this guy? Oh, totally. My hair comes in really coarse.

It's like Brillopad. And I go through razors. I find little nicks on my razors. Really? Well, I used to. The old ones, the mock and the... You know, I won't mention the specific brands, but all the razors I got were...

All the razors I used to use had little nicks in them. And I could see, because my hair is stronger than steel. Scott A. Bear was spending $64 a month on razors that left his face ripped apart and looking like he hadn't even shot. shave. Jesus Christ, really. Of course, smart asses who can't even grow facial hair would always respond with, well, do you know how to shave? I just received my Harry's kit, and it is the best shave I've ever had. Six hours later, my face still feels like there's never even been

any hair on it. Harry's now has a lifelong customer, and I'm saving a lot of money every month on Razors, probably to buy video games. You play with his hot-ass wife, cool. Yeah, but his wife's hot. His wife's hot because he uses Harry's. Harries.com promo code, biggest problem. Save five bucks. Hot wife plays video games, man. Oh, baby. You know who doesn't have a wife, Dick? Friends own pussies. Yeah.

Friends own pussies. All right, Dick. My problems this week. Well, my problem was friends owned pussies, guys and girls. My problem was the Pope. The Pope. See you next Tuesday. You just said you bought a wig to cut off pew.

or to make pubes off the wig. Why not just grow pubes and have real pubs? This guy's pretty entertained by his voicemail. Oh, man, that guy's the biggest fan of himself. You really like that voicemail, huh, buddy? Oh, that color. I'll tell you why, Dickhead, because I was going to a party and I was making a costume,

and I don't want to make everyone at the party barf with my real pubs on my shirt. What you did was a little racist. How's that? What? Because you bought an afro to make people. pubes out of. Yeah. Afros look kind of puby. Pubes look like afros. I got a big fro. So you're saying black people have pubes on their head?

Yep, that's what he's saying, John. That's what I'm saying, Sean. Thank you. I'm surprised I had to say that right there. Sean's the PC police now. You're getting pulled over, Maddox. You're getting a ticket. Far from it, just making an observation. How does that song go? We are the PC police. Woo, woo, woo. Oh, yeah, yeah. plagiarizing more material Hey guys This week Maddoch said that he needed Pube for a costume

Oh my gosh again What the fuck is that What kind of costume POSC? That's a good question I'll tell you I'll tell you I'll tell you what kind of costume

I was a put I made a costume one year Where I had a giant Vagina on my shirt And with googly eyes And teeth And it was kind of like drooling and the googly eyes looked weird. And it was the pussy monster.

And so I put a bunch of pubs right around the crotch area, like a Merkin. You know what a Merkin is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I put a bunch of pubes and I gave it a little... It's a pubic wig for everybody who doesn't know that because they're not a fucking weirdo. Who would know that?

Both of us know what it is. And probably 50,000 people who don't know what a Merkin is. Dude, in the last two weeks it's come up so much in conversations, whereas it's never come up before in my life. But anyway, yeah. I made this pussy monster have like a face, and it was like, it had a nose. The nose was like the clit. It was kind of cool. And then it had huge puby eyebrows.

Oh, yeah. People appreciated the attention to detail. And then because- Is this canon somewhere, or is this a mythology that you've invented the pussy monster? I invented it. I always like to invent my own costumes. So because I used, I had the consideration and foresight to use fake pubes. Girls came up to me, and they started petting my chest.

They said, oh, can I touch the pubs? I'm like, yeah, of course. Touch my pubs all day. baby. And then, you know, one pub leads to another, and the next thing you know, banged out. To the carpet. Does the carpet match to the pecs?

Uh, yeah. Hmm? It sounds like you needed a lot of pubes. No friends on there, buddy. Dude, why are you so proud of his wig? I don't know. I still understand why you could just use your own pubs

or your arm hair, or your chest hair, or your leg hair, or any hair. why you have to buy a wig? I feel like you really just wanted a wig to wear around. I don't think it had anything to do with pubes. I think that was just... I think of my terrible, terrible lie

that you're pushing too hard. Well, you got the answer. All right, yeah, you got the answer. You know what? You know what, Dick? I'll tell you why I didn't use my own pubes in addition to what I just said. So I've been on set,

and when I have... I have the lov mics on me. For people who don't know a lov mic is a little mic that you put on your body, it's kind of like what newscasters wear. And a set is where big shots go to shoot their fucking TV shows, right? While you're defining all these terms for us. Dick, it's all I've done for the last three weeks. So at the end of every night, when I pull off this tape from my chest,

they tape it directly to my chest. I rip it off and there's this ball of hair on the tape because it's basically duct tape on my chest. And I pull it off and I show everyone, everyone gets grossed out. Like, people start dry heaving. And I took a picture of it because it's like pulling stems and shit out of my chest. So I took a picture of it, and it's so gross.

I was going to post it on Instagram, but I thought I didn't want to ruin everyone's day. You dick kids want to know why you don't use real pubs? Fine, fuckface. I'll post this picture on the website. I'll gross everyone out. There you go. You got what you asked for.

You got what you asked for. Good job, idiots. Morons.