The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 74

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from bad people to bad apples. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Bad apples, you're not kidding, man. Shopping for apples is such a huge pain in the ass and a big problem.

You go in. All of the apples are named like the bad guys in Africa. Like, they are like, honey, crisp, sweet apples, Gala, party apples. I'm like, I know most of you are mealy and shitty. Pink lady, yeah. Fuck you, apples, you motherfuckers. And it's all, it's all marketing now.

Now, everybody, red delicious. Everyone hates red delicious. Everyone hates it now. And there are all these articles about red delicious. They are mealy, though. No, no, actually, Honeycrisp are the best. You know, I was about it?

No, I think you're right. I think you're right. No. Did you know the University of Minnesota created the Honeycrisp apple? I mean, I believe it. Yeah. Honey Crisp, man.

It's marketing as all it is, is marketing. There's no reason Honeycripps costs $2.99 a pound, and then Red Delicious and everything else calls $99.7. No, but do you agree they taste better? No. I mean, they taste different? They taste different. I don't care about the price.

I just don't want to get stuck with mealy, with a drawer full of mealy apples. So here's the thing. Here's the thing, guys. Red Delicious has a bad rap, right? Red Delicious. Because they're a substandard shitty apple. I'm telling you, Sean, here's the thing. Sean knows, your mouth is ruined with hot sauce, though.

Sean knows what a good apple is. No shit. Listen to this. Sean, look. Listen to this. Listen to this. Okay. Okay. Red Delicious apples, right? Have a bad rap. But they are back, baby.

They are back with a force. No. With vengeance. Try a Red Delicious. What do you mean they're back? They are back. So what happened is Red Delicious became the most famous apple and the most popular apple in America.

Okay. And so all these... Like Britney Spears. Yeah, it was the Britney Spears of apples. It was like the pop of apples, right? So you go to a grocery store and they have... like just nothing but red delicious apples. Over exposure.

Yeah, and so what companies started doing is they started creating these huge warehouses where they stored red delicious apples before they were ready for market because they overproduced them and then they just put them in warehouses that were supposed to be air cooled and conditioned and all that. Right. Then over time those apples became mealy and they were selling those in the market. And they got married to K-fed. They got, they were selling those apples to market and then that's the apple that people associate

with Red Delicious. But they stopped doing that. Red Delicious is Back Baby, and it's the healthiest apple. It has the most antioxidants. Oh, all right. What do you feel about Granny Smith? Stop, no. No more apple shit.

Please. Welcome to Apple Talk. All right, guys. What did we do last week? All right. Gentlemen, the biggest problem from last week, friend zoned pussies. Oh, okay. Yeah, friend zoned pussies came in number one last week.

Biggest problem. They're annoying. for all the reasons we went over. Yeah, they're annoying. And then the Pope barely eeked out into the positive territory, Dick. Well, I'm okay with that because this show is not always about problems competing.

It usually is, but sometimes it's not. And in some cases, it's about whether something is a problem or not. For example, monkeys, is it a problem or not? Is it in the positives or not? You know what I'm saying? The Pope, in this case, definitely. in the positives. So he is a problem.

Dick. I'm happy with that. That's, that's, okay, I agree with that latter part, but the entire show has been mischaracterized. It has always been whether or not something is a problem and not whether or not the two things can be competing. But overall, in the grand scheme of things, what's the biggest also? Yeah, the problem that affects the most number of people. Well, okay. That's the biggest, right.

By definition. But it's by voting. Yeah. It's like people's perception of whether or not it's the biggest. Yeah. But so I'm also happy in some cases where it's, is this as big a problem, is the Pope as big of a problem as the income tax? Another one I brought in. Like I want to go see the big problem list to see which is higher. Yeah. You know, that's interesting to me. The Pope is a bigger problem than burlesque dancers, for example. Oh, burlese dancers is still the most controversial problem to date on our show. Yeah. Nobody can decide whether or not it should. should or shouldn't be a problem. It's dead even, still hovering around zero. The Pope actually called in. Do you want to hear? Let's hear the Pope. Hey, Dick. This is Pope Francis. I'm calling from the Vatican. This is how I talk.

So I'd like to tell you, Dick, something as a Christian. I was trying to change some ways. I think you misheard what I said. I actually am gay. I use condoms regularly. I own a weapon manufacturing plant And I use the weapons made there To perform abortions So yeah, you really You really got everything I said wrong So go go vote down me

Fuck you dick Yeah Go fuck yourself Wow Wow Really salty language from a pope Oh angry He called in again

I don't know if you want to hear him again Yeah let's hear from our gay pope Well, yeah, okay. Good day, for you, guys. Hello. This is Pope Francis. Today, on this, the day that I've called you. Let me understand this, Dick, from what I've heard,

you've taken umbrage with the fact that I've come to your country, spoken to your politicians. Yeah. Giving out my opinions. Uh-huh. This is a good thing. Progress only happens when next. of dignity, which are the ideas of many different men.

Never ever go against the Catholic family again. He got it right. I'll forgive you this time, my son. But if it were to happen again, then you'll open your mouth. He's doing don't quite a lot. He's doing such things about me. One of my bishops might have to open up one of your veins. Good day to you.

And Manix, the only way that you will find salvation. And stop fiddling little boys. Oh, okay. I don't think that's the problem. No, good paid you, sir. All right. All right. Pretty good Brando.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, real tough Pope over there. I got a comment from Emma Olson. He says, excuse me, Emma's a she. She says, Maddox, how did you miss the glaring opportunity? Weird name for a girl. What, Emma? Yeah.

It's one of those gender neutral names. Like Stephanie. Yeah. Or Bruce. Like Lucy. Yeah. Oh, man, I got an argument. with some people. Over apples? No. Yeah, actually. Just to rewind five minutes ago.

No, about whether or not you should choose gendered names for your kids anymore. And people are saying, no, you shouldn't. You shouldn't choose gendered names. Especially if you're not sure if your child is androgynous, you shouldn't choose a gender name. Yeah, so I'm like, well, what do we name everyone? Just like gray, neutral? Name of numbers. Nutria. Yeah. So anyway, M. Olson says, Maddox, how did you miss the glaring opportunity to name your new amnesia bit Deja Dick. That's pretty funny. Deja Dick would have been a better name for it, but yeah, it's a Dick Instant Amnesia.

I also got a comment from Kyle Kincaid. He says, wait, Maddox spends, oh, hold on. I just realized what kind of message this was, wait, Maddox spends five minutes pitching about human robots and people using the Nuremberg defense at work that they're just doing their job, in quotes. Right. But then he bitches about Kim Davis just needing to shut up and do her job. And Dick didn't call him out, question mark, exclamation mark number one.

Yeah, Kyle Kincaid, idiot. The problem is Kim Davis, so we mentioned this in the last episode. Oh, God, are we getting into Kim Davis again? I got to mention this. Yeah, but you can't just mention it. It's a whole thing. Well, it's a comment. We're going on with the comments.

All right. Go ahead. Kim Davis, last episode. We talked about her. She was the one who was grandstanding. and not signing declarations of marriage for gay people. Because it violates her beliefs, her sacred beliefs. You can say it in a dumb voice, but that was her reason.

Yeah, her reason is bullshit, Dick. And you of all people should see a scam a million miles away. This Kim Davis, no, hold on. This Kim Davis chick, right? She says it violates her sacred beliefs. You know what? Every time you get married, you make sacred vows. Under the eyes of God, you make sacred vows.

and you make sacred vows to each other, and you promise each other, you're going to be with them for better or worse, sickness and health, you're going to be together forever. That's it, forever. Four times she's been married. Four times she broke, three times she broke her vows.

Right. Three times she broke sacred vows that she chose herself. Yeah. She doesn't believe in shit. And also, the vows... Well, are you going to stack them all up, or you want to go through a one by one? I'm building a case here.

Okay. So, so this whole, the whole gay marriage thing, right, It comes from Leviticus. Oh, God. Yeah. And in Leviticus, it also says that eating fat is a sin. Yeah. Carelessly making an oath is a sin.

She's done that for sure. Eating any seafood without fins or scales is a sin. Well, she's also gluttonous. She's fatter than hell. Sure. Have you seen it? That's a sin. Lying is a sin.

Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy, that's a sin. These are old, you can't pick and choose. She was just cherry-picking one thing from Leviticus because she's a bigot. That's all it is. Oh, man. All right. That's what I got to say. I find it so bizarre when people quote the Bible to, like, disprove other biblical beliefs.

Because it's like, well, okay, here's one to disprove your beliefs. Matter cannot be created or destroyed. So just throw out the entire book. Well, that's a theory. Oh, yeah, that's a theory. It is. That's a theory. The conservation of energy is a theory.

It's not a law. It is, they call it the law of conservation of energy, but there's no proof for it. Okay. I don't know where you want to go. There's a better example you had, though. I see what you're saying. You're saying that when people use the Bible to disprove the Bible, it's kind of silly because then... It's silly.

It's so, it's like, I'm so tired of hearing it. Like, yes, I got it. And it says, like, don't eat fish or eat fish. It's like full of a bunch of stupid rules for primitive apes. We all understand. You don't need to convince those of us that understand the Bible's contradictory that it's contradictory. You're talking to someone who grew up in like rural, is the daughter of a pastor.

Like, what do you think? Her? She was the daughter of a pastor? Yeah. Well, she wasn't Christian until like three, four years ago. I don't know what that has to do with it, but she's the daughter of a pastor. Well, whether or not she's a daughter of a pastor,

I mean, I'm the son of conservative parents. I grew up in a conservative state. That doesn't mean anything. Here's all I'm saying. Before everyone knee jerks all over Kim Davis. I get it. I get it. You're all very tolerant.

You're all very smart. We all get it. Everyone knows that she did the wrong thing. Everybody knows this. All I'm saying is this is an elected official who told the federal government to go fuck themselves. Oh. Okay?

I'm on board with that no matter what. When it comes to being principled about like, you know, states voting and states' rights and democracy. Yeah. Libertarian agenda. It's hard to defend principles when they have a bad result, right? When like, well, a bunch of people voted and they say we don't want gay marriage.

Like, well, do it or we'll throw you in jail. You know, that's a gray area, right? Shirley, like, let's use our words, let's convince these people. They had in Kentucky, and I think, I don't know if this is true federally, but there is a law saying you have to make concessions for people's beliefs a little bit. You have to try. Yeah, and they did. They did try.

I don't think they did. Yes, they did. No, no, here's why I think it's a scam. You say I can, you say I know what a scam and I see. Here's why I think it's a scam. I think that the governor and the Congress of Kentucky could have said, you know what? We're going to make it a law.

We're going to make it a state law. We're going to override your authority and say, you don't have to have your name on this certificate. It can be anybody. Because we can do that. As a governor, I can do that. And I'm going to, but, but because of the climate down there, I think that would be political suicide for them so they didn't do it and threw her under the bus.

It's cool. I like people getting made fun of on the news. Like, I love here. Like, oh, look at this fucking bigot. But what is it? What really happened? That's all I'm saying. Dick, they did make an exception.

The judge literally said that the deputy who worked in the office could sign it off instead of her. And she still said no. This fucking cow still said no. She's still grandstanding. She's a bitch. She's just a solid gold bitch. Ice cold. But that's not.

She's sculpted. A sculpted bitch. Born and raised, man. That's just a bitch seed. Grew up to be a bitch tree. She's a huge big fucking bitch She's a red delicious of bitches I think someone else is gonna do it

I would eat the shit out of her If she was a red delicious buddy I think Kim Davis for days Oh man that bitch Alright so anyway You're right You're right she should have just done her job No matter what

No you fucking See and that's what this dip shit That's what this moron Kyle Kincaid No Kyle Kincaid here Because I literally said in that episode, when I was talking about human robots, I said, look, guys, there are exceptions to this rule. There are exceptions to most rules. And I want people to follow the... I want people to do their jobs in certain circumstances when it's life or death or when it comes to generally agreed upon good things when you're not inhibiting someone's right, when you're not cherry picking things that you believe from the Bible, when you're not cherry picking your principles.

Yeah. And by the way, by the way, not allowing gay people to marry. because apparently the Bible says signing a document is now a sin. Fuck you. Well, when she was elected, it wasn't. Hold on. That is not equivalent to some guy telling me to walk four blocks before I get on a bus that I need to get on. It's not fucking equivalent. Because your belief is that you should be able to sit out of the sun.

Is that what this is all about? That's all it came down to. It's still about the bus. He's like, Mattocks, how come you expect this guy to do his job and not Kim Davis? Because dipshits, learn the difference between all. And some. What the fuck is wrong with you? Learn.

Go to preschool. Preschool. They teach you that shit. Some. They teach you all and many. All and many are different things. Jesus. I don't think she's grandstanding either.

Oh, she does. She shut down the whole office because she didn't want to treat straight people more. She didn't want to give them something she couldn't give gay people. Like she said, I can't marry gay people because it's against my beliefs. I'm not going to do any marriages because I don't feel right marrying some people and not others. I'm like, well, that's pretty, that's almost shockingly reasonable from someone who thinks gay people are going to hell. What are you going to say? Somebody help this stupid lady out.

Somebody who, somebody who has power over her, help her out here. Dick, all she is, is a fucking glorified notary. Okay, she just signing a document, that doesn't mean shit. She's not, she doesn't have the power. It doesn't fucking matter. it means to her, if you don't like it, fucking quit your job and stay home and don't be an elected official, don't work in jobs where you're afraid your precious morals and your precious beliefs, which are all bullshit. You don't believe in anything. All Kim Davis believes in is being a bitch.

Hey, if the same thing was happening with guns, I would 100% support a local elected official who is standing up to the federal government and taking guns away. Do you think that's crazy or not? Explain that scenario. Okay, let's say, um, government came in and said, you know what, we're taking all guns. Yeah. So local cops, it's now federally illegal to have guns. Local cops go round them up. And the local sheriff said, oh, fuck you.

No fucking way. So what would happen then? Fed's come in, you're under arrest, you're violating federal law, blah, blah, blah. So we're making weed. So Chris Christie gets elected to the White House. Like that fat ass rolls into the White House and says he's going to enforce federal marijuana laws. So he comes to Colorado and says, you're all fucking guilty. I would hope every single elected officials said,

fuck you, these are our laws. Now, I don't agree with the no gay marriage thing. If anything, I don't want the government to be involved in it at all. It's a contract, right? I guess. I mean... I mean, in my world, that's way better, but that's not on the table, right? Well, it is.

There's two different types of marriages. You can have a ceremonial marriage, which is just the ceremony. And then the legal marriage, which is just a document that they file an effective. fucking filing cabinet. There's also a civil union. And the problem was that they didn't get it called marriage. Like civil unions existed.

No, but civil unions were not the same as marriage. You still didn't get visitation rights in hospitals. So then knock down marriage to civil... Like, don't... That's just my personal opinion. I'd rather have marriage knocked down to the other one. All I'm saying is, yeah, it's easy... It's easy to beat this poor, stupid, fat, ugly woman up.

Oh, I'm not, you know, I'm not piling on about her looks Yeah, but everybody's pile. I know, but that's unfair. If she was attractive, people wouldn't... Now take the high road. No, no, but no, but for real. No, I'm the asshole. No, yeah, I don't think...

You don't think Kim Davis is ugly? She's ugly as shit? That's irrelevant. That's irrelevant. Whether or not she's ugly is irrelevant. Like, yeah, but it's just like additional mean piling out. Of course she is. She's not great looking.

But here's the thing, man. Let's keep the... Let's focus this on... I don't even know you anymore. Big ugly doesn't make you a worse person. It's factual that she's ugly. Not to the... Not to what we're talking about.

Disney taught us all that beautiful people are good and ugly people are bad. Right. So when I say she's ugly, 100% factual, but people think that that's a slam. That's your own prejudices. But here's the thing. Had you not known anything about Kim Davis, would you just single her out and make fun of her for being ugly? Yeah, me? Oh, God, yeah.

I walk around all day. Like, look at that ugly motherfucker over. Look at that bitch. She thinks she can pull off those? Not on the scale. Not to 50,000 listeners on the world famous biggest problem. in the universe podcast. What do you mean?

Why? No, you wouldn't just... You don't think I would make fun of her for being ugly? No, you wouldn't single someone out like that for being, say, ugly or unattractive had they not had those ugly opinions and ugly beliefs. Like, look, man, Kim Davis, the bottom line is, I don't think it's the same as that example of the gun, because, first of all, gun rights are part of the Constitution, whereas this is like some weird...

Marriage is not. Well, yeah, but the Constitution doesn't abridge rights. that's not what the Constitution is for. The Constitution is not there as a document that tells you what you can't do. It's not there as a document that tells you what you can do. It doesn't, just because it doesn't explicitly prohibit it in the Constitution, the Constitution doesn't give you the rights to play video games, doesn't give you the rights to walk down the park or do anything.

Those are just inherent rights. Those are inherent inalienable rights. Yeah. But it does say all the rights not covered here go to the States. No, yeah, but they can't, the states still cannot abridge your rights. They can't. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, unless, even state law, like Los Angeles parking is a good example, you can generally park anywhere you want, so long as it doesn't say you can't. Those are the laws. If it doesn't say you can't, then you can. That's it. Yeah. Well, there you go. They determined what marriage is. Never had done it before.

Now they had. Right? Well, it's because they were preventing people from doing it. Hey, if you think five lawyers should be the ones doing that, more power to you. A lot of people don't. And that's another, I read another comment in the comment section somebody was saying, Hey, Macs, but Kentucky state law says the gay people can't marry. And the problem is, shithead, this Kentucky state law can't pass any goofy law they want that supersedes the Constitution.

They can't just pass a law that says slavery is legal now. They can't just pass a law. Well, that'll get struck down as unconstitutional. Well, yeah. That's the point. Exactly. But that's not what this was. They struck it down as unconstitutional and defined what it is.

That's very different. Saying you can't have this law is its own thing. Are you opposed to this law? I'm opposed to marriage as a government institution. So it's hard to say, I can't say I'm opposed to only straight marriage, but pro-gay marriage. I like that everyone's happening. about it. I don't think it's necessarily a good thing, and I don't think it was done in a good way. And I think this problem that's happening is going to come up again, and next time it's not going

to get the big media storm because nobody stopped to understand what's going on. Well, the reason that this is a government institution is because there are taxes involved. There are different, yeah, but there are taxes involved, and it complicates things when it comes to kids when you have kids you have to either share the same name or find out some kind of legal custody because if that exists yeah but it's all complicated without i looked into this dick don't don't don't don't bullshit me too don't bullshit me either adoption exists without marriage yeah what's the option what's what option you're you're telling me the option exists tell me what that option is you mean a world without the government institution of marriage can i

yeah can i finish this point sure the option without marriage is some really obscure legal document called, it's not power of attorney, it's one step higher than power of attorney, where you have to sign basically some right that allows someone who you're partnered with to have absolute full control over everything in your life, including your finances and your health records and everything else.

That is the only legal alternative to marriage. And if you have a child with somebody and you want hospital visitation rights, marriage is the only way to do that. That's why marriage is a government, institution. I don't fucking trust a company with that authority. A company. What do you mean?

Well, the alternative would be either a company to... Someone's got to keep track of this shit, dick. If your kid shows up at the hospital, broken leg or whatever, their parent or legal guardian's going to come and pick that kid up, right? They need to have some way of verifying that you are actually related to

this kid or you're supposed to be there or you have authority to make decisions on behalf of this kid. That's why marriage exists. And that's why the government should be in charge of those documents in that filing process. Because I don't fucking trust company to do that. Because the next thing you know, it's going to be like Equifax and TransUnion. You have to pay a fee every couple months to check up on your, your spousal affiliation or your families. That's fucking bullshit, man. I look, there's a purpose for government.

I know what you're talking about with Equifax and companies controlling stuff, though. TRW, Equifax, TransUnion, these are the credit companies. You know that me and you can make a contract right here in a piece of paper and it's valid. Well, sure. Yeah. Okay. A company doesn't need to be involved in that. Well, then who's going to enforce that contract, though? I mean, we need to. We need a witness, we need a notary. We need a notary, yeah. Right, right.

But again, back to this point, though, Dick, the alternative to marriage is, and by the way, I hate marriage. You know I do. I absolutely loathe it. But the alternative is some company trying to take care of this bookkeeping process, which is insane. I don't know where that company part comes from. Well, who's going to do it? Who's going to find out, if you go to a hospital and you want to take... But I just described a scenario where you and I have a contract and there's no company involved there.

It's notarized, and then if there's an issue, you take it to court. So what? Every time you go to the hospital, you just bring a whole pile of papers and notarized little trinkets and things that we signed here on this coffee table. You don't bring in a marriage certificate when your kid's in the hospital. You just show up. I mean, there's not a weird document procedure to prove they're your kid. You don't have to bring. If there's some cases, we have to bring a birth certificate, but the birth certificate lists the parents on it. That's enough to prove parentage in most cases. But you don't get custody. You aren't able to come into that hospital unless you have a right to do so.

You don't get a visitation. Have you been to see somebody in the hospital? There's not like a Gestapo agent standing outside checking your papers. They just kind of take your word for it. Right. But up until something happens, if you are going to make a life or death decision on behalf of somebody, you better have the authority to do so. Otherwise, it's your ass on the line.

Yeah, there's birth certificates, custody papers, I guess. if you had to sue for custody for somebody. Yeah. This is all covered. It's not, like, the marriage contract is not the key to this. It gets, it gets complicated. Who owns custody? Who owns, who has the right to raise that child?

Like, that's why marriage is, is this thing. And look, man, it's not perfect. Obviously, it's a huge problem. And ideally, in a perfect world, marriage would be abolished, but then we need to find a solution for custody rights and visitation rights and all these other complicated things. that arise from health care. Okay.

Yeah. Do you want to get to a problem? I do. I'm really tired of talking about marriage. Good. Dick, before we move on, we have to talk about this. We got this beautiful piece of art. It's a plaque, all right?

It looks like a giant middle finger, and it's gold, and it's flipping you off, and it says, Dick and Maddox get raped. Oh, very good. It's what the plaque says. And this thing, we'll post a picture on the website. It looks so realistic. Like creepily so.

Yeah. Right? You can see that the... Someone's hand was used. Someone's a big meaty hand, by the way. Right. Oh, yeah. It's vainy.

It's got... You can see the skin texture. Even the fingerprints on this thing. It's insane. I've never seen anything this detailed. And then it was accompanied by note. This was sent to us from... Let's see.

There's a watermark called... From an organization called C-U-N-T. Hmm. And it says, dear... Yeah. You can just spell it. Yeah. It's got the initials here, C-U-N-T.

Awesome. Yeah, it's initials. Each letter stands for something. And I'll tell you what it stands for. This is a legitimate organization. Came from Utah. This guy named Tomlin. He says,

Dear Dick and Maddox, as chairman of the Central Union of Network Telecommunications, cunt, it is my honor and privilege to bestow upon you our annual award for factually unrearched

coverage of kosher and essential rhetoric in a podcast. Oh, good. It's about time. Your contribution to podcast as a form of media has been invaluable. Millions of hours have been squandered following you two on a whirlwind

exploration as you seek to address every problem in the universe from animal fuckers to zoo files. The award committee hopes that this plaque will not only give you both great pride in your achievements, but will inspire you to continue discussing your trivial annoyances at great length. Again, congratulations and best wishes for future success.

Sincerely, Tom Lund, aka Mr. Lug. Oh, that's great. Yeah. He's the president of the Cont Association. Oh, that's cool. Thanks, Tom. Yeah, it's... You go ahead and get raped as well. Yeah. I love how that became a thing

based on a YouTube comment. Anyway, yeah, let's get to a problem, Dick. Okay. You want me to go first? Sure. All right. I got the biggest problem in the universe, buddy. Bacteria.

Oh. Yeah. Bacteria. Good one, huh? Now, Dick, I have to be precise here because I'm going to get all these morons, these dips shits. Hey, my own.

Already defending it? Yes, I just... I can hear that. their idiotic, their responses and their emails to me. I'm still getting fucking comments about the death thing. Like, there's some good things about death too. Yeah. No shit, fuckhead.

This is, this is a thing. I know there's good bacteria, all right? Yeah, everyone knows there's good bacteria. Yeah. We all know. It's not a big fucking deal. We know it makes yogurt. You know, we know you got it in your gut.

You need it to digest things. A lot of bacteria is helpful. We get it. All right? I'm talking about pathogenic bacteria, fuckhead. All right? There's bad bacteria. Talking about the bad bacteria.

Well, you've got to put that on the list then. I'm only talking about the rapist Mexicans. Not the good ones. Then you're just talking about rapists, Sean. No, it's pathogenic bacteria. That's the bacteria that I'm talking about here. What is that? It's bacteria that's bad for you.

It infects you. A pathogen. A pathogen is a bacteria. It's something that infects you, right? And I looked into this. This is kind of interesting. So bacteria was first, this is according to, I think, Wikipedia. It says bacteria was first observed by the Dutch microscopist

It's Anthony Van Lewinhoek in 1676. And he originally called bacteria, when he saw them, he called them animal keels. Animal kills. Small molecules made out of animals or molecule-sized animals. He just thought they were like, a little tiny, almost like homunculus. Animal kills? Animal kills. Yeah, little animals crawling around, creepy crawlies all over everything.

So I looked into this man, and diseases caused by bacteria are, there's a ton. Here's just a few of them. Tennis, typhoid fever, diphtheria, syphilis, dick. Colera. Cephalis is caused by being too cool. What are you talking about? Foodborne illness, leprosy, tuberculosis, syphilis. Dick.

Acne. Anthrax, you think I fucked a cow? I have fucked a couple cows. That's true. Yeah, yeah, well. Kim Davis. Hey. Dysentery, gonorrhea.

and urinary tract infection. These are all things that are caused by bacteria. You know what isn't caused by bacteria, though? I looked this up. Malaria. Malaria is not. And malaria is not viral either. Do you know what malaria is?

Getting bitten by mosquitoes? Yeah, it's parasitic. Yeah, because that's what malaria is. So, important distinction. Malaria is not bacterial. And viral infections are not bacterial either. A lot of times people take antibiotics anytime they get sick.

But guys, I've known people like... It doesn't work for a cold. Because that's a virus. Well, it makes super bugs, too. It makes all the other, like, little bacteria you have floating around resistant to that. Yeah, yeah, that's true. We are unnaturally selecting, I guess we're just selecting bacteria-resistant bacteria. It's unnaturally, because we're doing it with chemicals.

Well, so a while ago, I had this argument about natural selection, and evolution is not the only way that, excuse me, natural selection is not the only way that evolution occurs. There's a number of different processes that go into the mechanism of evolution, and we are one of them. And biologists don't like to think of humans as part of the ecosystem. We don't like to think of us as things that affect our ecosystem. Biologists don't like that? Yeah, because they're not copping to – some biologists do, but for the large part, biologists, anytime humans breed a specific type of cow or breed a specific type of chicken or create a type of fruit or something that – humans like or enjoy, we have selected that, right?

Yeah. And we somehow are not part of that process. We don't factor ourselves into this genetic evolution equation. What do you mean that they don't, we don't factor ourselves in? I would think biologists are well aware of this. They're smart guys. Yeah, but they don't call that evolution. They call it something else.

It's not evolution. I talked to a biologist, and they were very careful to know. not confuse that with evolution. They said, no, no, that's not evolution. I'm like, well, why not? I mean, we are creatures. We're just creatures walking around this earth. We select certain breeds of animals. Do you really think that's a majority opinion, though, of biologists?

I don't know, Sean. But is it just, I mean, you're stating it like it is. I talked to one professional biologist, and then I looked into it online, and there's no term for this that I could find. There's no explanation. Isn't it just selective breeding?

Yeah, that's, I mean, you call it anything other than evolution, but selective breeding is evolution. Well, it seems like, because we always try to refine species when we selectively breed them. Evolution seems like turning a bacteria into a human. Well, evolution doesn't always necessarily result in something that is better than the previous generation. It seems like it would make it more confusing to use evolution like what you're talking about. Like, hey, everybody, look, I evolved this Dalmatian from a less,

spotted Dalmatian. Well, see, so have you ever seen those screensavers where they have those simulations where they have a bunch of little critters crawling around? There's like a red and a blue and whatever, and due to some random, what's the word? Mutiastic? It's a stoastic process or something like that. It's not stoastic. Anyway, it's some random process that they have certain creatures evolve over time, and you

watch on the screensaver and certain species, maybe the red gets really powerful, and then the red overpowers the blue, and the blue. dies off, but then the yellow takes over the red, whatever. That's kind of like this evolution process, but we have set the parameters for that evolution. And just like that, in nature, there are certain parameters that nature kind of sets for the evolution of a certain species in that environment, right?

That's how evolution works. It's related to your environment. But rarely have I ever seen biologists factor humans into that equation of their environment. I just don't see that happen. Okay. Anyway, back to bacteria. Pathogenic bacteria.

Are you going to put bacteria on the list or pathogenic bacteria? I'm putting pathogenic bacteria for all the dipshit. Okay. It's not a dipshit thing. Regular bacteria is great. They do more good than harm. Dick, you brought in flight as a solution. Yeah.

Flight's great. Flight's awesome. Of course. Who doesn't like flight? But there's bad things about flight. Like what? Is this going to be another one of your 9-11 speeches? No.

Listen, have you ever heard of Allah? I'll burn a Koran so fast, you don't even see it coming, Maddox. No, listen, man, there's bad things about flight. Planes crash all the time. The airport security sucks. The fuel surcharges are terrible. Planes pollute way more than cars. Like, by far, planes pollute more than cars.

I didn't believe that, actually. One of my friends told me that. Per capita, per passenger? Yes, absolutely. So you got 200 people on a plane that's more pollution than 200 cars? Absolutely. It's more pollution than like 2,000 cars. It's a lot.

I looked into it. Fuck the environment. All right. Go ahead with your bacteria. No need to prove this point. Anyway, man, the CDC estimates that every year, roughly 1 and 6 Americans are 48 million people get sick, and 128,000 are hospitalized and 3,000 die of food-borne illnesses. Dick, I just got a food-borne illness.

Twice. Me too. Yeah? Yeah, what'd you get from? I don't want to hear your story. No, no, no, I don't want to, yeah, go ahead. Okay, I got it. I got it actually on the last day of shooting.

I'm back. I'm back from Vegas, by the way. Oh. I hadn't even mentioned that. Yeah, I'm done filming the first season of the game show, and I'm back. But the last day that we were there, we all went to this Chinese restaurant and had some food. Is that the Blasio? All right, you fuck heads?

Pretty fancy. Yeah, real fancy. We paid upwards of like, I don't know, $200 for five people. for shitty Chinese food. It was just dim sum. And we all got food poisoning. Oh. All but one of us.

Everyone? Everyone got food poisoning, except for one of us. Did you write them? No. You get a free meal out of that. Fuck it. I was done. I just wanted to get home. So we went back to the hotel room, and we're all going to take a little nap and then go out for drinks later, right?

And I come down, like, I wake up. This has never happened to me before, Dick. You know how sometimes you dream and you got to pee? And you start dreaming of pee. You dream of waterfalls and rivers and shit Oh shit, now I've got to pee You dream all these things This is the first time I've dreamed of pooing

Like I had this dream where I was like getting up To go to the bathroom Sitting down, shitting And then I was like, all right, I'm done with this part Because I'm usually a little bit cognizant of my dream So I'm like, all right, I'm done dreaming this And I get up from the bathroom and I go And I'm in the living room

And I get up and I go to the bathroom again I got to take another shit And then I got to take another shit And I got to take another shit It was just a dream About shitting over and over It's just a dream where I got to get up and take a shit. And finally, I get up and I take a shit.

And it's just like, it's almost like, like, imagine if you had a junkyard. You know how junkyards, they have those little cranes that come down and pick up just a big pile of shit? Yeah. And then they let go and it just like kind of collapses. That's how I shit. It was just like everything came out at once, just awful, awful diarrhea. Like a shredder. Like a shredder with like lumpy oatmeal.

Okay. That was made out of poop. Okay. That's like in the grossest face. Anyway, man, we all... You got incepted. Uh-huh. About shitting.

Oh, that's what happened. Shitsception. Yeah. Uh-huh. So I went downstairs, and I met up with the producers, and I said, guys, did you, did you guys have food poisoning? And they're like, yeah. Every, every single person had the exact same diarrhea. Food poisoning, really good problem.

Wait, wait, wait. How long did it go on? For me, for me, it was just once. But then I... Okay, because food poisoning goes on for a long time, because the bacteria keeps flourishing, keeps... Yeah, it's like a twishing. 24 hour plus thing. Yeah.

That was an upset stomach caused by maybe something a little wonky that you guys all ate. How much hot sauce did you drink? Not a lot. That's your problem right there. I'll tell you why, Sean, I've had diarrhea plenty of times, and I'll tell you why this was absolutely food poisoning. And I think because I got it out of my system fast enough that it didn't affect me so much. But I'll tell you why it was food poisoning is because my stomach felt like there was heat. There was like it was on fire.

Like that was definitely a sign of food poisoning. Like it absolutely felt like it was generating heat, which is a really bad sign. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, all better now, I hope. Anyway, dude, food poisoning, big problem. Millions of bacteria, this is from the health. Oh, okay, yeah, never mind.

This is just for the dipshits. All right. Antibiotic. The dipshits, though. They're such morons, dude. It's not moronic to think that bacteria is good. Well, there is good bacteria. You know who you are because Maddox will tell you.

Yeah. Yeah, clearly Some bacteria is good Some, like most flight is good Isn't it, Dick? Isn't flight mostly? Yeah, so bacteria would be good. I'm saying it's not a bacteria

Without the pathogenic part is not bad. Well, I'm saying, I'm talking about the bad bacteria. The stuff that kills you. Clearly, I'm not meaning the fucking good bacteria. When I say, when I bring you death as a problem, clearly I'm not talking about euthanasia, you fuckheads. I have it. Jesus.

That's what makes the voters so small. They're not. They look at things in a global... They are very smart. You can't look at that voting list and say that's not a good list. That's not reflective of people. You bet your ass I can. There's a number of problems with the voting, buddy.

This is from the New York Times. Dick, you brought this problem in the superbugs, right? Yeah, super bugs. It says antibiotic. Yeah, it says antibiotic-resistant infections lead to 23,000 deaths a year. But this is interesting. In 2007, the CDC estimated that about 100,000 people died every year of infections they developed, while in hospitals.

The estimated deaths, this is from CDC, the estimated deaths associated with health care associated infections in the U.S. hospitals were 98,000 as of, excuse me, 98,000, this was in 2002, I believe this report came out. And they said, of these, 35,000 were for pneumonia. Nomania is a bacterial infection.

30,000 for bloodstream infections. Pneumonia is bacterial. 13,000 for urinary tract infections. Urinary tract infections result in 13,000 deaths per year. Did you know that, Dick? No. Have you ever had a girlfriend with urinary tract infection? I assume most of them have.

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Because it goes into your kidneys, right? If you don't treat it. Yeah, if you don't treat it. And a lot of girls, like, here's the thing. If you don't get up to take a leak, this can affect guys too, but it's more, it more effects. Or if you put your finger over your pee hole. Force it backward into your kidneys.

Yeah, I definitely felt my kidneys do something. been weird that day. Yeah, 13,000 for urinary tract infection. 8,000 for surgical site infections and 11,000 for infections of other sites. These are just in hospitals, infections that occur in hospitals. It's one of the biggest killers in hospitals. It's just infections you get while you're there. But yeah, pneumonia is a nasty one, man.

35,000 deaths per year from pneumonia. Worldwide? Yeah. Well, no, this is according to the CDC, so I think it's just America. This is just America. 35,000 in America alone And yeah, this is U.S. hospitals, I checked. It's a lot.

Yeah, man. More than I thought. Pneumonia is a huge killer, especially in old people. Well, vote up pneumonia people as a solution. So you got all diseases on there? All bacterial diseases? Yep, brought in every single one. That's my problem, dick.

Bacterial infections. Pathogenic bacteria, the bad bacteria, you fucking idiots. It's not idiotic. You Luddites. You preschoolers. I took, by flight, do you mean flight crashes? By flight, do you mean long lines at the airport? Vote down flight.

Are you just mad about death? Yeah, people are idiots. You got anything else on bacteria? I got a bunch, man. You got any more stories about shitting in Vegas or something like that? Diary a story. I got food poisoning yesterday, too, actually. Mm.

Yeah, I got food poisoning. I was at a wedding. And so I ate a bunch of food. Good food. I liked it. And then I immediately got diarrhea. And I got up and go to the bathroom. And I thought, well, I don't know. This could be food poisoning. Could be whatever. It was food poisoning again.

I don't think that's food poisoning. No. I think you finally reached that age where you actually have to watch what you eat a little bit. Or you might shit yourself. Food poisoning is like... That's slander. I will sue you. I will sue you. I will sue the shit out of you. Watch out, man. You won't have to get food poisoning.

You stuck in traffic one time? then you will end up cleaning the car for like a couple hours at least oh that that's happened to me no way really couple times yeah i've shit my pants in the car dick how do you shit your pants so much i well okay well i'll just bring in shitting shitting your pants that's a that's my problem as your problem yeah that's a big problem oh hold on dick don't you have to sleep before he do you shit your pants sometimes what do you get it don't you get up sometimes to shit your pants while you're sleeping um i have i have i have shit my pants in my sleep And in that, if I were to do it again, I would replace my mattress with a Casper mattress,

because today's episode is brought to by Casper. Give $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com slash biggest and using promo code biggest. Buying a Casper mattress is completely risk-free. Yeah. I don't think it covers shitting in the bed. They have a true coat option, I think. You want to know something? Did I tell you guys this story?

when I bought my most recent bed, they had this liner option, and I'm like, oh, does it... And he's like, oh, you could do anything. You could pour water on this thing, and it will soak through it. I'm like, well, can you throw up on it? And he started laughing, and I was like,

no, that's a real question. I'm not going to get it if the answer is no. Like, consult your research material, please. That's a... Because this is happening with you or without you. Yeah. An obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price.

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And he says, got the mattress. Pretty cool. After opened it, I realized that I don't have a box spring, too. Yeah. You don't need it. Okay, you don't need it. I was going to ask you, because you also don't have a box spring with yours. No, don't get a box spring, guys.

Here's the best way to sleep, especially if you live in a climate that's warm. If you live any place that's warm, temperate, whatever, you don't get a box ring. Because the box spring is just going to inhibit the flow of air around your mattress. Oh, really? Absolutely. Yeah. And in fact, I would say even say in cold climates, too, what you do is you get a bed with slats on it, and then you just put the mattress right on the mattress right on top of the slats.

And any time you want to change the mattress, you don't have to buy a new box spring. It saves you money. You're cooler in the summertime. You're warmer in the wintertime. If you get some of the good circulation going underneath your bed. Yeah, it's great, man. Get a bed with slats. It's way easier to control the temperature.

Okay, well, Anthony Lopez, there you go. It's not a problem that you don't have a box spring. Just figure your fucking bed out. Yeah, get some slats, get it off the floor. Don't be sleeping with mattresses on the floor. There's never an okay time for that. I've dated so many girls who just had mattresses on floors. Oh, no, no, no, no, that's bad.

Yeah, well, yeah, man, the mattress is great. It's good for banging. Dick. Really? It's waterproof, too. I wonder about those memory foam mattresses, like, if it will change the way you bang on them. Oh, yeah. Because I've never had one.

The memory, they're great, dude. Oh, they're great. You know the bowling ball thing, right? The bowling ball demo that you see in those old ads? Yeah. Where they drop it and it's a glass of wine, whatever. It's just like that. man it's great you know what the problem is with a bed with with springs uh-huh when it comes to banging

okay is it there's too much motion the both too much motion yeah this the whole bed is just kind of like swaying and sometimes the bed gets out of rhythm with you like the bed's doing its own thing yeah it's like now bed i'm doing what you're saying yeah you got the bed working against you you got her working against you i'm just trying to fuck here both of you got it from both sides i get what you're saying no no man the the mattress is great but you both just leave so i can do this right Get out of here. I'm going into the bathtub. Now, the bet is great, man.

It gives you just the right support. So imagine, it's like, imagine if an asteroid was going to hit the planet Earth, right? But instead of hitting a bunch of, like, loosey-goosey sand, it hit a bunch of Play-Doh. A bedrock. Right? Yeah.

It's almost like Plato. Like, it's going to really set. Oh, like thud. Yeah, like thud. It's in there. Okay. I can see that. It's good match.

What's the code dick? Casper.com slash biggest. Use promo code biggest. There you go. Thank you for supporting us and thank you for NASA. This is turning into an infomercial. Okay, I'll go with this problem then. Shitting in your pants.

It's a big fucking problem. All right. Like for some people. I mean, probably a lot of people. Okay. Right? Babies especially. So yeah, we kind of teased this earlier, but you have so many pants cheating stories.

Why? Um, it's a lot A mix of alcohol And overconfidence Okay Yeah True, that is exactly it Yeah, that's why

And also because the digestive system Is just poorly designed You know, I don't know I need, it needs to be tighter Like everything needs to work a little better But it's only you and one other person I know Who shits their pants all the time And the other person has digestive issues

I know for a fact he has digestive issues You as far as I know don't digestive issues. Yeah, I guess alcohol plays into that a lot. So I said I would tell the story of the time I, at the continuing story of when I pooped in my dad's pants. Oh yeah, yeah, remember that? Yeah, yeah, let's hear that story. Yeah, I had been, um, I'd been drinking a fair amount of whiskey and, uh, some of it must have been bad because it was causing me to have a lot of stomach issues. Yeah, right? So I was over at my, I've already told this stories. Over my parents' house, I happen to be wearing some of my dad's underpants. How, how does whiskey go bad? It's just,

does. You know, you can never tell, but every once in a while you run into some bad whiskey that makes you shit in your pants. Okay. It's not true. It's just a joke. It doesn't go bad at all. Yeah, it just fermented, right? I'm wearing my dad's... Or, no, whiskey's distilled. Yeah. Okay, sorry, yeah, go on. Wearing my dad's underpants, a little

bit of poop slips past the goalie, right? All of a sudden, I've got a confetti launcher of poop in my dad's underpants, right? So I run into the... I run out, clean them out. I already told this story. Everybody everybody already knows this door. Well, let's a refresher, because that was several episodes ago. Yeah, so I clean them up. I clean them up by hand at my parents' house in the spare room because I want to sneak it by them. Like, I don't want to admit to my dad that I pooped in his underpants.

His son, his only son. No dad wants to get. I just want to go, dad, I'm gay. I got to get out of here. Don't worry about your underpants. Right? That's better. He wants to hear that, hey, dad, I graduated college. Hey, dad, I'm a doctor. Hey, dad, I'm getting married. Your son, his only son. Hey, dad. I pooped in your underpants that you loaned me. Sorry about that.

Did you use the sink to clean them up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I use the sink and the toilet. And his toothbrush, right? No, fuck you, sure. Do you have one of those, like, washboards, like those old-timey washboards? You're doing laundry and the sink?

No, no, no. When you poop your pants a lot, what you do is you get a little soap on there. You fold the poop part over, and then you kind of use your, knuckles to rub it. What? That's how you... It's kind of like a washboard. It's kind of like a washboard.

That was such a rich description. Like I totally pictured you getting poop in your knuckle hairs. Well, you're talking about what are you... A magnetic trash moving machine in a dump yard. Fuck you. Dick, don't worry

about my hypocrisy. So I do this all. It's called Dingleberry Knuckles. I do. a bit of hair on my knuckles. Oh, gross. So I managed to get away with this, right? I managed to, and I throw the underpants

in the dryer, and I'm like, oh, done. Great. I totally got away with it. And I just don't wear any underpants, because I don't want to ask for another pair of underwear to borrow. Like, Dad, can I get another pair? Like, those displeased me. I want another pair. He's going to go, what the fuck you're talking about?

I just let you underpants. Why do you need more underpants? So I just didn't have wear underpants the rest of the time. So I managed to sneak this by them, right? Until I told the story on the podcast a couple weeks ago. Uh-oh. So my mom calls me and says,

oh, Dick, I have kind of a funny story. And with my mom, that means it's an extremely hilarious story, but it's at someone's expense. Because she doesn't want to feel too good laughing at someone's discomfort,

right? So she wants an accomplice? A laughing accomplice? Well, she knows how funny it is, because she's calling me to tell me about it. And she knows to say it's funny, but she can't admit that it's too funny. You know, like, yeah, she's just very, very, very sweet.

Like, she won't say, wait till you hear this hilarious story about someone getting so fucked up and looking stupid. She'll say like, oh, it's pretty funny, but not too, I don't think it's too funny. You understand that I find this humor distasteful, but it's something you would like, right? That's the setup to the story. It's like, okay, tell me.

So her and my dad are driving to Arizona. They're driving from L.A. to, like, deep, globe Arizona, a middle of nowhere. Why were they going there? For his mom's birthday party. It's like her 80-something night. A birthday party. So they're driving to her house

in the middle of nowhere and they put on the podcast. Uh-oh. And the story of me shitting in my dad's underpants comes up and he goes, what the fuck? What the hell was that?

Rewind. So he rewinds it. My mom says he rewinds it to re-listen. What the fuck is this? He's shitting in my underpants? So now she says, for the rest of the trip,

he's wriggling in his seat because he goes, I think these are the underpants. I think these are the underpants he's shit in. So he's like, because he doesn't know. Like as far as he can tell, I washed them and then threw them back in with the regular clothes, but he knows I did a shitty job.

Yeah. Right? Because especially the way I told it too, is a shitty, so he's like, I think I can feel it. He's having like phantom poop stains. Yeah. Yeah, because now he's imagining me just cramming him back in the drawer and poor him puts the,

on and there's phantom poop residue on it. Yeah, because it feels itchy. And, you know, you gave him Phantom skid marks, man. So now it's in his mind. And my mom's laughing because he's, you know, just can't admit that this is why it's funny. She said, this is the funniest thing she's ever seen

because he's just bouncing and wriggling in his seat while they're driving for seven hours into the middle of the desert. And you know, it's going to get hot in the desert and it's sweaty. You get that butt crack sweat going. So as he's sweating, he's like, it's just, it's just re-ditching.

rejuvenating the leftover poop, right? So he's in a nightmare scenario. He's got, God knows how long till they get to this hotel in the middle of nowhere. And she's like, just calm down. Statistically, those odds are, those are probably not the underwear he pooped in, right? There's 20 pairs of underwear,

unlikely that you would have grabbed the ones he just pooped in, right? You mean the ones on top? Right. But this, this is even worse. So my mom says that when he gets to the hotel, now he's going through all the underwear say, does this have the poop in it? Does this have the poop in it?

Does this smell like poop to you? Like going through all his clean underwear. Freaking out. He's like, well, I'm just not going to wear this fucking underwear then. Oh, you're welcome, Mom. This is what he's going through, going to his mother's birthday, surprise birthday party. Like his 80-year-old mother's surprise birthday party,

I ruined because he constantly thought he had poop, my poop in all of his underpants. So my mom calls me to tell me the story, and I'm laughing because, you know, someone's inconvenienced and miserable. Yeah. And I said, well, the funniest thing is, I took those underwear home after I did that, like, to wash them again. Yeah. Because I didn't want to leave them behind. So this whole time, I had the poop underwear the entire time.

Oh, wow. That's amazing. So you just let your poor dad suffer for nothing. Well, I didn't even know about it. I found out about it afterwards. Oh, that's hilarious. That's so funny. Yeah, because, you know, I can picture your dad.

Your dad has a very emotive face. Like, you can tell what he's thinking. You know, he's one of those guys where you know, you know what he's thinking. Yeah. Like, he's a very emotive. I can imagine him sitting there with a piece of cake, like, alone with all the kids with all the party playing and everything. Everyone's having a good time in the background. Your dad's selling, and he's just sitting there like digging a slice a piece of the cake and putting in his mouth all that.

thinking about the poop in his pants. Is this poop or not? Oh, your poor dad. So it's a big problem. Pooping in your pants is a big problem. And it happens to everybody. Yeah, yeah. No, it doesn't...

Hold on. You're fucking idiot. No, it doesn't happen everybody. Again, you're one of two people I know who shits our pants. I hadn't shit my pants, dick, since I was like 12 years old. No. Yeah, until recently, it did happen. When did it happened recently?

Well, I'll get to that, but the last time it happened before was when I was 12, and I came home from school, and my mom was gone, and I didn't have a key to the house. So I was stuck outside. Okay. And I was just running around the house. I had really bad diarrhea, and I was running around the house, and I was like, oh, I'm going to shit my pants, I'm going to shit my pants. And finally, I decided to pop a squat, and it was fall time. So I just made a nice pile of leaves to poop in, which was terrible idea, in retrospect, because I remember the leaves scraped in my butt. and I thought, oh, why did I make a pile to poop on?

Yeah, that's weird. That's stupid. Dig a hole. That's the instinct. Yeah, well. Yeah, I'm not a cat. So, I pooped, and then I looked around. Let me build a mound, so it's just close to my ass as possible.

I don't want it to get hurt. I'm a kid. I'm a kid. I'm a scientist. I didn't know. This is my first time I'm experimenting. What was the logic behind the leaves? I just thought I should have something to poop on.

That wasn't the ground? Yeah, just a big pile of something. I should poop on. something, I guess. So I pooped and then I looked around for something to wipe my ass with and I just grabbed a handful of leaves, but these are fall leaves. So they're really crisp and crunchy.

Oh, okay. Yeah, and I just Oh my God. I just started wiping my ass with crunchy leaves. And then I looked out of my hand and it's just covered in shit and leaves. And then it's all over my ass too. So I pull up my pants and I... Are you really

gonna gag, Sean? Sean's gagging. What did it? What's it? Is it all over the hand or is it Is it all over the butt? Sean's dry heaving It's the entire visual

The entire visual Oh my God Yeah It's a little boy too Does that help? No Thinking my young bum John Oh my gosh

Oh my gosh Sean might throw up Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sean might throw up I'm good, I'm good I'm good Oh my gosh Just thinking about the Pope

Why? Because of my 12-year-old bum? Listen. So anyway, I pooped and I just kind of did a crab walk until my mom got home, and I told her what happened. She was mad at me. Mad at me. I would assume. For not being able to get into the house. She didn't think of a plan. But that wasn't in your pants.

You didn't shit in your pants. You just shit on a bunch of leaves. Yeah, but when I pulled the pants up, there was shit in my pants. No, that doesn't count. No, no, no. That's by proxy. All right. Yeah.

Fine, then erase the last, like, three minutes of this episode, guys. Okay, but it did happen recently. And I was so, I was so ashamed of myself because I am, I am like, I'm like 10 for 10. Every time I have a fart that might be like a diarrhea fart, you know, and if I, if I suspect that my fart's going to turn into a shit, I'll get up and go to the bathroom. Because I don't want my, the worst thing that can happen to a fart is to be promoted to a fart. a shit when you don't expect it. When you're shitting, that's funny. You're like, oh, I thought that was going to be a fart, and now it's a poop.

Sure. But when you're sitting there playing video games, that's trouble. So I was sitting there one day. It was one of those, like, you know, could be either one, could be a fart, could be a poop. And I thought, yeah, I'm going to roll the dice on this one. Yeah, see? Yeah. My confidence is wearing off on you.

I, I rolled the dice, and I, uh, I, I, uh, I, I, uh, I, I, I, uh, I, parted and a little bit came out. And I thought, oh, no, that's trouble. That's bad. That's bad. That's bad. So I get up and, sure enough, did a safety wipe. And, oh, boy.

It was, uh, yeah. It was, it was like a fine, it was like a... But you caught it then. Yeah, but it was like, you know, Bush's baked beans? You know, the, uh, the sauce that it comes in, it's like kind of runny? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm getting a little bit of a, a little tinge of vomit in my throat, too. I should stop there. But yeah, man, that was the only time it's happened in a recent memory. You didn't go out. out though. With my poop? Yeah. Why would I go on?

I've done that recently. You went out with poop in your pants? That happened to me. I went shopping. Oh my gosh, dick. Why would you go shopping with shit in your pants? Well, I didn't know. I didn't do a safety wipe.

Oh, you didn't do a safety one? No, no, no. I just figured it wasn't poop. Oh, you farted. It was poop. Yeah. And I went out like that. Walk around.

A bunch of shit in your pants. Yeah. All right. What's our time like? I was going to bring in something else, but do you want to go? I got a quick one. What? Do you want to go? I was going to bring in breast cancer, but

I guess I could do that next week. You want to cram in breast cancer in six minutes? No. See, do for next week. I got one, Dick. I got a quick one. So last week I brought in friend zoned Pussies, right? Big problem. Because generally, when you're friend zoned, you put yourself there. It's funny. That one got a lot of, it got a lot of positive

and negative responses. As some problems do. It's interesting to see which. What were some of the negative? A lot of people identified with it, but then a lot of people were like, I don't want to fucking hear you assholes talk about friend zoning. Why? I don't know.

Yeah, I saw some people feel like that they felt like friends owned victims. They felt like they were friend zoned by people unfairly. No, generally not, guys. Generally not. And Dick, another thing, I really want to hammer this point home. Last time you said, you believe that either someone will or won't hook up with you or will or won't be in a relationship with you. But I'm of the firm belief that...

What did I say? You believe that either people will or won't hook up with you. Or they will or won't. It's not like getting ladies in Schrodinger's cat. Like it doesn't exist in two... They either will or they won't. No, but that sounds like it's a 50-50. It's not always.

Like, for example... You mean it won't evolve. Or he means it won't evolve. Right? Like, it's like, it's going to happen or it's not and that's never going to change. I'm not saying it won't evolve. You're saying it could evolve. I'm saying there are things you can do

to improve your chances. Everything comes down to odds. Yeah. And for example, when I was, just used me as an example, when I was more overweight, I attracted different girls, and I attracted fewer girls. And then I took care of myself a little bit more, and then suddenly my odds improved with different women. Like, there are things you can do. What kind of women did you attract when you were overweight? When I was overweight, it was interesting.

I attracted, well, I attracted other overweight women and, like, curvy women, I attracted, you know, Indian women have always been into me. Yeah, Indian women really like me. But anyway, so Dick, I brought in friend zoned pussies last time, but there's another problem related to friend zone. Yeah. And that's friend zone opportunists. Yeah, fuck them.

Yeah. Because this is something, this is where I think the people who had a problem with friends zoned pussies, my problem of friends on pussies, the people who had an issue with it were the people who have been taken advantage of by friend's own opportunists. And let me explain what this is. I know this girl, this friend of mine, who is very attractive.

And for the longest time, she had guys who would fawn after her. And she knew these guys were fawning after her. And she had no interest in them. But one day she calls me up and she says, hey, I'm moving to this new apartment. It's a new dorm I'm moving to. And I need some help. And I said, well, I can't help you.

I'm busy. And she says, she said, oh, I wasn't calling to ask you because it would be way too inconvenient for you, but I'm just telling you that I need some help. And she said... Really? She's calling just to tell you that she needed help and didn't expect you to help? Because she was in another state.

Oh, okay. Obviously. Like, she doesn't expect me to fly out and help her move. So she said that she was going to ask some guys in her dorm to help her. And I said, well, wait, what kind of guys? And she goes, oh, there's this guy who likes me. And I said, well, do you like him? And she said, no, I have no interest, but I know he'll help me.

I thought, well, that's a real shitty thing to do to somebody. Yeah. If you, because you know that that guy, that guy may have friend zoned himself, but if you know that someone is fawning after you and then you ask them for favors to kind of lead them on, because a lot of guys think that if they do favors for women, they'll curry their favor and they'll get in their pants or they'll get a relationship out of it. Yeah. And that's why, that's whole nice guy thing, and I say that in quotes, nice guy is nefarious. Because it does work.

Sometimes. Yeah. But it's awful. It's an awful way to do it. You don't want to bar. You don't want to barter. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want to interrupt your thing, but doing something nice for someone and then ending up nailing them, that's a pretty normal way.

That's a pretty normal way that people behave. It's dishonest, though. How is it dishonest? Because if you are doing something nice for somebody, do it because you want to help them because they're another human being because you actually are sincere and you don't want anything out of it. If you want something out of it, that's when you become a friend's own pussy. That's when you become one of these guys who just like fawn after. I've seen it happen, Dick. I saw it happen like a month ago.

Like, it's just guys like constantly buy gifts for women and they buy things for women and they're pathetic and they just bend over backwards for it. And then the end of the day, the woman, if she's not interested, she's not interested, and you're just sitting there wasting your time and money. And when it becomes a problem, when you become a friend's own opportunist is when you know that the guy is into you. and you keep accepting gifts, and you keep letting him do things for you, because you know he's not doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He's doing it because he likes you and he wants you. And if you take advantage of that, that makes you an asshole.

Yeah, all right. Those are friend's own opportunists. Yep. You think that's going to get as high as friend's own pussies? Which one do you hate more? Which one do you think should be, like, which one's worse? I think friends own pussies are worse, because friends own pussies give rise to friends own opportunists.

People who, yeah, guys who are too meek to. It's a buyer's market. It is, yeah. Yep. A lot of guys willing to give it away. Help, I mean. Yeah, give away help. Yeah.

Give away help and buy gifts and things like that. Guys, stop buying gifts for women that aren't into you. No, stop, period. You don't need to buy anything. Homemade card. Just take a piece of paper, fold it in half, and write, what's better than roses on my piano? Open the card, two lips on my organ.

Wink, wink. That's it. Happy birthday. Yeah, I would kind of agree with that. You know, don't buy gifts. Don't buy gifts. Don't do favors for people. Look, man, once I've established a rapport with a woman, and she knows that I am not interested in her and vice versa, right?

Then, if I offer to help her out, I'm doing so as a friend. Like, Dick, if you ask me to do a favor for you, if you ask me to pick something up for you or to help you out with something, I would do it because we're friends. but if a woman did that to me who I was interested in and I didn't communicate that to her, that would be dishonest of me to help her because I'm only doing so because I want to get down her pants, right?

That's a problem. And that's when me, that's when I have become a friend zone. I have put myself in a friend zone, and that's when the woman, if she knows that and she takes advantage, she's a friend zone opportunist. They're both big problems, I think. But I think that friend zone pussies is a bigger problem, definitely. No, go vote up friends on Pussies.

Yeah, well, I'm with you on the moving thing. Yeah, man, it's just a shady thing. I see it happen all the time. Women know guys are after them, and they know that they're attractive. And you know one of the most nefarious example of this, and it happens all the fucking time, is hot girls in a bar. Hot girls in a bar, go out, specifically. I've dated girls who will get all gussied up and they'll go out to a bar together, and they'll say, and they're all broke.

So they'll say, well, what are you doing going to a bar? And they said, well, guys will buy drinks for us. Yeah, they expect it. Yeah, but when guys buy drinks for you, do you think it's free? Like, do you think that there's an expectation? You want to eliminate that expectation. It's creepy that guys buy drinks for girls with that expectation, and it's pathetic. But don't put yourself in that position either.

You know guys want that. So why would you take advantage? You know, it's, I buy a lot of drinks when I go out, right? Yeah. I do that. I like buying drinks for people. Everybody gets smashed. Let's have a good time.

I'll buy drinks for guys, too. You do, yeah. I remember this one example where I was up at the bar ordering this little pack of, a little gaggle of a little murder of girls was behind me. And they're giggling or whatever, and I'm just making conversation. What's going on? What are you doing here? It was one of their birthdays.

Yeah. Maybe even two. I don't know. One of their birthday was like, oh, birthday. Shots. Let's get some shots. Yeah. Line up a bunch of shots.

Yeah. Because I think at some point, like, buying. a drink means a lot more than it should. It's like a $5 drink, you know? At some point in your life, like in that point in their lives, these awful women you're talking about when they're going out, like a drink validates their self-worth. Like, oh, yeah, I got this guy to spend $8 on me.

Right? But at this point in my life, I'm like, I don't really care. Like, let's line up some shots. So they grab them, and they're like, oh, yeah, shot, and then just walked away. Uh-huh. And I'm like, that was a very weird inner, it felt very transactional. Yeah.

And it was weird. Yep. Because I'm not used to that. You know what I mean? You encountered exactly those girls I was describing, the ones who go out to drink and they know that some poor schmuck at the bar. In this case me. In this case, you.

Which you didn't have that intention, which makes it even worse for you because you weren't buying those drinks necessarily to get down anyone's pants. you were just buying it because, as you said, you wanted everyone to mash, right? Yeah, I like getting people drunk. Especially for birthday shots. It's always by birthday shots. And you were being generous and fun and outgoing.

Those girls took advantage. And they assumed that you're one of those chumps who buys drinks for girls pathetically at a bar because their company is so valuable that you're going to sit there and just buy booze for them and shower them with gifts. Like they're so fucking interesting that you have to pay them to be there.

Fuck that. Those are friends' own opportunities. Those are the type of women I'm talking about. I hate them enough to remember it to this day. It is awful, right? It makes you feel shitty. It makes you feel used. It makes you feel like, well, you know what?

At least turn around and say thanks, ladies. Yeah. Get to know me a little bit. But that's a problem. It's a weird projection. Like, they think I'm after something by, like, just by spending my time doing that, like buying a drink. It's like a weird feeling of like, oh, yeah, well, you're not, you didn't earn it yet.

Like, okay, don't worry. Well, that is the unspoken social contract, Dick. There is a social contract, believe it or not, there's a book called, I believe it's called Influence or the Power of Persuasion, I think is the subtitle. It's called Influence, the Power of Persuasion, I think is the name of the book. And in it, it talked about these unspoken social contracts and how you shouldn't accept gifts for free, you shouldn't accept anything for free because there is no such thing really as free in our society and culture.

Because with every free thing, there is some kind of. expectation almost always. There's very few exceptions of getting something for free. This goes out to, I'm talking to you ladies, I'm talking to you men. There is no such thing really as free because there is some kind of expectation. Generally speaking, of course there is exceptions to these rules. I don't think there should be an exception to that one. I really don't. Like if someone gives you something, you should have the, if you don't take it, if you do take it, you should have the grace to sit around and talk to them at least say thank you. Well, this, this, this, uh, this, this, uh, this phenomenon, Dick, of feeling like that

there's an expectation there, is so deeply ingrained, it may even be instinctual, because certain species have this ingrained in them too. I think vampire bats have some kind of social behavior that they exist. Women and vampire bats, both bloodsuckers.

Yeah, suck you dry. But vampire bats, I think, or, no, I think it's a type of fruit bat, excuse me, fruit bat that shares food with each other. Is that like a gay vampire bat? Yeah. I want to suck your blood and then some. Hey, happy national coming out day, guys.

Is it? Yeah, yeah. Congrats. Good job. Nailed it. Anyway, yeah. Yeah, there is, that's kind of like a social behavior. And it's actually shown that in certain cultures and societies in animal kingdoms, too, that some type of giving and taking and receiving is beneficial to the survival of the species.

So the social contract may be deeply ingrained in. our instincts that you give something, you get something. And that's why I generally don't accept free samples when I'm in stores because they've done, no, this is in the book. It's an example in the book. They said that free samples work because people feel guilty not buying something, generally, generally speaking. They feel guilty not buying something. And it's a really fascinating book. I highly recommend to check it out. This could be a really great way to pick up girls. Oh boy. Just give them, no, no. Do you remember when you and I went out for Halloween that year and you had that pale of dumb dumb lollipops and I was giving them out to like

just walking up to girls hey here you go yeah they totally their attitudes changed 100% for versus when I would just walk up and talk to them yeah because they took a free sucker yeah oh man so the future is pickup artists walking around with handfuls of candy in their pockets I see I did that as part of my costume dick no no uh nefarious intention behind it but I did notice that a lot of girls were stopping to talk and like hang out and whatever. Yeah. I was, my costume was Grim Reaper, the Party Creeper. And I had, I dressed up as a grim riper and the grim reaper,

and I had a bucket of candy around my waist, like where my crotch would be. I'm like, reach it and grab a piece of candy. Maybe you'll get something more. Maybe you'll get a surprise. But it totally worked. That was, uh, that was an interesting, yeah, that was an interesting, unintentional experiment. What are you laughing at, Sean?

Your subtlety and nuance is staggering. Yeah, isn't it? Reach in, there's something you can suck on. There's a real big dumb, dumb down there. Looks like a Toblerone. All right. Yeah, man. How many licks to the center?

No one's ever made it without biting. Anyway, Dick, my problems this week are pathogenic bacteria. Good. You got learned. You got served. Everybody changed the way you brought that in. You would have just brought in bacteria. Great.

Fans taught you a lesson, though. You can't get away with that kind of shit on this show. Yeah, I don't give a shit. Pathogenic bacteria and friend zone opportunists. And my problem was shitting in your pants. See next Tuesday. Hey, this message for that stupid fucking ass who called in and insulted Dick's grammar. Fuck you.

You probably jerk off in your mouth in the shower. Dick, your guy was fucking fine. I can understand what you're saying And if he can't He needs to get his ears check Because there's too much dick in it Fuck him You're pretty cool

Fuck that guy Wow that was a really impassioned Defensive Dick's shitty grammar My grammar is fine I got his stats for you Here's more friend zone shit You want advice on getting out of the friend zone Oh let's hear

This guy's got some good advice Never been in it You want to know how to get a girl Out of the friend zone Creepy Put a finger in her butt I pull my out of a friend zone Like if I can fish out of water

I'm a fish in line Oh my gosh What a creep That's a creepy Oh that's true That's true Oh that's true If you're hanging out with a chick

Your finger finds its way into her butt Then you're definitely not gonna be in the friend zone Out of the friend zone and into a police lineup That's assault brother I meant like in a date man Yeah you never know Yeah what do you mean Do you never know until you're arrested

Chicks are begging me for it. A finger up their ass? Oh, all the chicks. Yeah. I don't find they usually beg for it. Oh, they like it, man. You got to trick them into begging for it. What?

No. Yeah, you got to, like, hint at it. Mm-hmm. You know? Oh, pinky. Reaching around. Well, not a pinky. The pinky is the second least erotic of the fingers.

It serves a function, man. Oh, stop. Yeah. Oh, here we go. Maddox. This is that one of feel on it. While listening to your death rattle about self-checkout lane, I just got to say, I was playing at my car while my girlfriend and I were running to Marins,

and she turns to me and she says, I mean, I've never had any problem with self-checkout lane. And she's a woman, all right? Man up. All right, we get deli, food, meat, vegetables, produce. We got away. Should we got to check our ID for? All the time. And I've never had a problem.

Pretty sure the factor here's you, buddy. All right. Yeah, I've gone to grocery stores where I need, I was making a big pasta dinner for a bunch of friends. I was buying like 10 tomato cans. Those fucking self-checkout lanes. I have to scan each one individually, and they put in a delay in there so that you don't double scan

because they know that most consumers are idiots. So they put in a delay in there, you have to scan one, put it in the bagging area, pick up the other one, scan one, put it in the bagging area. You can't even hold two at a time. It's fucking awful. And then I went in there one time I was making pizza, so I just needed a packet of yeast.

Went down the aisle, picked up my packet. Oh, did do one item? Here we go. Self-checkout lane. That's what you're made for. Scan it. Put it in the bagging area. Well, guess what?

I did. It's too fucking light. The scale won't pick it up. I fucking hate those things. They always break down. I don't believe you're buying produce, you motherfucker. You're buying monster energy drinks, you dips shit. You guys, self-checkout lanes are to urinals.

What human-run checkout lanes are to toilet. It's a good point. Done. That's it. What? Yeah, like the urinal is nice and fast. You get in there. You don't have to take your whole pants down.

Yeah. You just pee and then you get it over with. Yeah. That's the bathroom version of a self-checkout lane. No. No? You'd rather have all stalls? So you've got to go in there.

It makes absolutely no... If I'm peeing, it makes absolutely no difference. In fact, yeah, I would prefer all stalls. Because if you do have to go to the bathroom, that gives you more opportunities to do so if you have to drop a deuce. That's a shitty analogy. That's exactly the type of person who uses a self-checkout lane.

A dumb motherfucker, he's buying energy drinks, he's buying, I'm sure he's just buying Red Bull and fucking Cheetos and Doritos and going home to his girlfriend. Okay, his real smart girlfriend. I'm sure she's a battle axe with hairy like. Exactly the type of chick you see it Burning Man. Oh, I bet those chicks are the hairiest.

Those motherfucking... I don't know, I might do a fade out there or something Thank you.