The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 75

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from dead beats to sour notes. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be had the biggest of problems. I am Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hey. I'm going to go back and listen to that in time how long it takes me to get that joke. Because I was laughing.

I thought something was funny. You know, you just get it's funny. And I'm thinking, wait a minute, wait a minute. a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, and that's when I went, ha, ha, ha, probably, so that's how stupid I am. Wait for it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that came to me while I was driving. I thought, uh, I thought it was a perfect

analog to last week's, uh, bad people and, uh, bad apples. Or what would, yeah, bad, yeah, this one was. I do love and hate how this show sinks into my brain while I'm driving around and, like, working and showering and working out and, and like doing folding clothes, doing basically fucking everything in my life. I'm sitting there having an imaginary argument about, shit that I really, that I like, I've said, they're asking myself, why do I care about this? Why am I having an imaginary argument about apples in my head to prepare for next week?

Like, because I read a comment on the website. I'm like, fuck, if that asshole brings this in, I got to have something to say about what I said about apples. That's what happens. That's what happens on this show, man. Yeah, it, it rings in my head. It rings in my head. Wake up at night. It's fucking awful. This is the sacrifice we do for you guys. You unappreciative, well, for the most part. Very appreciative. Yeah, somewhat. You somewhat appreciative dollars. Yeah, and speaking of, speaking of, I thought of a new contest, Dick.

Oh, okay. Because, because, and Sean, because last time we got in that whole apple debate at the top of the show. Right, right, right. I want to bring in an apple taste test. Oh, I was going to suggest that for season two. Oh, sure, then let's do it for season two. Yeah. I want to do an apple taste test, and I want to see if you bozos.

Look, I know you can tell the difference between the taste of apples. Apples taste pretty different, especially Granny Smith versus anything else. It's a very tart apple. That's the only one I could tell the difference, though, reliably. Like, I don't know what the other ones taste like. Well, I don't expect you to name the apple that you're tasting, but I want you to rank them from the tastiest to lease. You're going to be in on this, too, though.

Somebody, Randy, Candy Randy, I'm not allowed to say his last name anymore, so I'm going to call him Candy Randy that producer of the show and your manager. Yeah. He's going to set it up. So you're in on this, too, motherfucker. Fine with me. I also speak, because we always have these challenges and these bets, right? And we never know what to bet.

on them because hard to think of a bet on the spot. I thought of something, I'm going to float this by you. What do you got? How about the loser has to read a 250 word apology written on the show written by the other person? Dick. Correct.

That's a great bet. I like that a lot. All right, you're on. And it never gets old because you can write the most horrible things. There we go. That's fucking pant. Now we have a challenge. Now it's a game. Now it's on. All right, I'm in. I'm in. Let's do it.

Does that mean I can bring this back? You mother... What is the flu version? This was on the voicemail. The recorder version. Somebody called, said nothing, and just played the Titanic on a recorder. What an asshole. Perfectly, though.

Perfectly. Yeah, it's the recorder version of it. What a piece of shit, garbage. Now, here's the thing. We have to decide, since there are three of us playing, me, you, and Sean. So who is the winner and who's the loser in that instance? I don't think Sean should have to read an apology. Okay.

Because I don't think he'll really care. Fine. So between the two of us. But Sean's still in it because I want to see if this bozo's taste buds match up to his big talk. I can tell the taste of apples apart. Sure. But I want to see what you think is the best tasting apple. All right.

I eat a lot of honey crisps. Yeah? I eat honey crisps. It's the hipster apple, man. Bullshit. Yeah. See? Bullshin.

I'm so glad I had that imaginary argument about it. Apples. Now I feel like I'm prepared for this conversation. Good. What do we do? What? To be fair, a couple people did tell me that the red delicious are much better than they used to be. Yeah, they absolutely, that's why I said, they're back with a vengeance. And they're the healthiest apple. I looked into it, someone's like, Hey, Maddox, antioxidants isn't the way to tell the healthy? Shut up. You guys don't know shit. I looked into it, and actually, it is the healthiest apple based on the polyphenols in the skin, which is associated with the number of antioxidants the apple has. Yeah, it's the most nutritious apple. Go fuck yourself.

But nobody gives a fuck. They're the tastiest too, Sean. I'll put money on. We're doing the poem. Then we're doing the poem. You're on. The 250 word apology. It doesn't have to be a poem.

I guess it could be a poem. That'd be even funnier. That's fine. Maybe mine will... You'll never know if what mine will turn out to be because I'll be right. Anyway, guys, from last week, the biggest problem in the universe. Friend Zone opportunists.

Oh, really? Yeah, neck and neck with pathogenic bacteria. almost the exact same boat That's pathetic As of this recording 806 versus 803 neck and neck That is neck and neck

Almost a tie And then shading your pants Because one is a virus And the other is bacteria Oh good point Good point Friends on Opportunists are a virus You want to eradicate

And then shading your pants Came in It just came in It was on the list It was in the positive You didn't let me get into my stats That I brought About where you're shitting in your pants

Do you remember your stash, your shitting pants? Remember when Al Roker shit in his pants at the White House? No, did that happen? He got that gastric bypass thing and he thought he was going to fart and he shit his pants in the White House. That's the same thing that happened to me, except in my living room, which is equivalent to the White House. See, it happens to everyone. It happens to every body. I also read Al Roker.

Some psychology manual about combat that said a quarter of combat troops from World War II. when interviewed, admitted to either pissing in their pants. I'm sorry, a quarter admitted to pissing in their pants and another quarter separate, possibly some overlap, I didn't know, admitted to defecating in their pants while in combat. That's a lot. That makes sense, though. Yeah.

Right? If the alternative is, you're in a foxhole, right? And your bullets are raining down on you. You've got grenade, you've got mortars landing around you. The enemies, sharpshooters are pointed at you. What are you going to do? get up and take a shit? No, you shit in your pants.

Like a man. Like a hero. I interpreted that study differently. I thought that they were charging over, like, the Battle of the Bulge with their 1911 pistol shooting one German over here. Or if you're in Germany listening to this podcast, you know, the opposite, an American. And then they're just feeling so awesome and manly that they just shit their pants to be cool like me when I shit in my pants.

Oh, yeah. I bet the German listeners right now love that tail into that story. Oh yeah, now we're shooting the Americans, that's cool. I mean, whatever. Yeah. They have different heroes than us. I almost shit my pants. This was a real close pan-shitting story.

One time I was I was snowboarding with friend of the show Roger Barr, who's going to be on for our Halloween. Yeah, he's going to be on for our Halloween episode. Great guess. I was snowboarding with him, and I was getting a little cocky. It was getting late at night. The sun was going down. The slopes turned icy. And I got too much speed, and I slipped, and I landed right in my fucking tailbone, man.

It was like a pin. And if you pointed a pin down, a needle down into the snow, it couldn't have been more precise than the tailbone, the way my tailbone hit that ice. And I hit so hard. Your cock kicks. Yeah, my cock kicks got hurt really bad. I got a bruised cockix. Cox. Cocks. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, like six coxics. Yeah. I got a real bruised coxics. So I got up on my hands and knees. And Roger comes up to me. He screamed ow my ass. Yeah, basically. But Roger came up to me.

He goes, hey, man, you all right? And he's about to put his hand on my shoulder. Don't touch me. Don't touch me because it hit so hard. I was like a Prius, you know where you see the battery and all the, all the energy is kind of like, it's moving through the engine block and you can see where it's focused. It's sending the energy. I was focusing all my energy and strength into not shading my pants.

I was literally concentrating on my bottle and picturing it shut. Who's that Dragon Ball guy? Oh, man, it took every ounce. I'm coming. I came so close to shading. I could feel my butt muscles quivering, the sphincter. I don't know what it's called. I don't know anything about the butt.

Yeah, it's a sphincter. I don't know anything about men's butts. Dick? So you didn't? No, I didn't. I was real close, man. I would not want to... Oh, well, good for you.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't have a big steaming pile of shit in my snow pants. There's snow pants, not shit pants. Dick, speaking of things you don't know about, I got a comment. I got an email from Cody Krause. He says, This is my first time riding into the show

and originally told myself I never would because both you and Dick are out to make outrageous comments. But going forward... What's outrageous that we say? Fuck if I know. Yeah, find one. Yeah. Everything on the show is just right of reasonable.

All right. But going forward, can you please prevent Dick from discussing the U.S. legal system? Oh, God. What did I do now? His childlike logic and reasoning is both saddening and baffling. That's an interesting combination.

Good. That's a good combination. He's saddened and... Sad and confused. That's right where I want you. Why is he doing this to me? Shut up or I'll do it again. He's sullen and bewildered.

It almost pains me to listen to Dick attempt to mischaracterize the powers of the Supreme Court, the duties of an elected official, and how the Constitution works. If Dick wants to talk about rights and the history of marriage in America, he should probably open a book. If you want to do a new segment called Dick's Legal Corner, where Dick's elementary understanding of laws disproved, just look at this.

And he quotes a whole bunch of things that fucked up. Yeah, court cases. Yeah. So that set precedents for why. It's a bad idea for states to set their own laws. Lawrence versus Texas, the Supreme Court prevents the states from interfering with the bedrooms of consenting American adults. Loving versus Virginia. Supreme Court overturns the law of states that prevent interracial couples from marrying.

And MLG versus SLJ. Basically, the Supreme Court shields more rights of Americans under the 14th Amendment, et cetera, et cetera. go fuck yourself. Well, you know, it's real easy to sound smart when you're at your computer and you've got all night to write an email. But when you're on here running your mouth, that asshole couldn't leave a four... That guy couldn't leave a one minute long voicemail without sounding like a prick. So fuck you. What was his name?

His name is Cody Krause. Cody Krause, yeah. Say that to my voicemail, you son of a bitch. Don't... I don't believe that people are smart just because they can write a smart-sounding email. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? What if he's deaf, Dickhead?

What if he's deaf? Yeah. That would be a... I doubly want to hear that voicemail then. Oh, eat shit, man. I bet that guy's deaf. He's a real smart deaf guy. There you go.

Bravo. Bravo, Cody. I'm on your... I'm in your side. I got a comment from Dan Merrick. I bought a red delicious apple last night to see if they are back. They are not back.

They are mealy as fuck. Yeah. You're mealy as fuck, you piece of shit. That's just such a tired criticism of red delicious apples. Are they not red? Are they not delicious? They are crisp. They're refreshing. They have a good bite to them. They're fucking great. Justin Maine. There was a whole thread about apples on the website. He says the source, Maddox is referring to the source is his ass. I literally sell apples for a living. I literally. I literally. I guess maybe that's true. I said I sell apples. I don't figuratively sell apples for a living. Do you metaphorically sell apples? No, literally. Oh, yep. I guess maybe that's true. My grandma, we told her that my brother-in-law worked for Apple.

Yeah. And she thought that he sold, like, crates of apples. She's like, oh, good for him. He's got a job. Like, can he get us a deal on apples? Anyway, for a living. And Red Delicious still sucks balls. Gala, Macoon, and Pinyatta are where it's at.

So there's some apple tips for it. I've had a Pinyada apple. I've had a Pinyada apple. Pinaata is very, you know, it's very similar to what are those? Oh, the jazz apples, they have like those jazz apples, pink lady, yellow delicious, Granny Smith. My favorite are Rome. Talk about it. Wait, wait, wait, you're going to lump Granny Smith in with those other ones as you just said?

Oh, God. Stop with the fucking apples. Well, I know, but the, the, look, the hipster apples. They're the hipster apples, man. Anything that I don't like is a hipster apple. No, it's not, it's all marketing, Sean. You're such a sucker. It's $2.99 a pound. I'm a sucker for liking certain things.

No, the Apple Company's just, it's a consortium. and they all decide which apple to promote, and then suddenly honey crisps are $2.99 a pound? Get fucked. Get out of it. It's big apple. It's big apple. Meanwhile, there's like 10 other varieties of apple that I could pick that are cheap,

but I just don't happen to like the taste, so I'm wrong. Have you tried all the apples? But this dickhead who sells apples? Yeah, right. He doesn't eat that shit. It's like people. That's his business. Yeah, but he doesn't eat that.

I guarantee he doesn't eat them. I'm sure you know which of your t-shirts is the most delicious. Right? Great. You know what? These fuckers, like, they have written off red, Because long time ago, some, it was really cool to hit on red delicious apples. It's real fucking cool.

It was never cool to hate on red delicious apples. People hate Red Delicious, man. They hate it because it's so cool to make fun of Red Delicious. It's not. Okay, you're not cool, and Red Delicious is cool. It's a good apple. Okay. I'll defend Red Delicious in my game.

I don't want to hear you ever talking about any homophone of Apple ever again. Like Apple computers, Apple the fruit, whatever, Apple the recording label. I don't want to hear your opinion on that. What if, Dick, that, what if we fall in love and I want to tell you someday that you're the apple of my eye? If you believe that I love you, if I'm saying that, you've got bigger problems and whatever the conversation that is. That's true. Tusha. Okay, Dick, I got a comment from Angel Dorito. So, it's spelled with one R though, so it might be Dorado or some silly variant. Anyway, he was defending me because a lot of people were jumping down my throat last episode.

Wait, can I play the voicemails for all the people jumping down your throat first? I want to hear all these idiots. Hey Maddox, do you know what is a theory? This is the fucking shit they teach you in like the first year of your goddamn college, dude. Fucking idiot. Like, Jesus fucking Christ, it's not that hard to understand. There's no such thing as a fucking proof in science. Anyway, yeah, you're fucking stupid.

Dick, you're pretty all right, dude. You seem pretty reasonable. Just don't take my legal advice, I guess. Or any advice. I got six more. Oh, let's hear. Okay, let's hear. I will just stack them. Let's just hear them all out. Get them all out. Let's hear these fucking more.

Matt, so I'm going to ask you, so you're telling me a theory is something they can be disproved? Noddy. Are you like legit stupid or something? It's trying to think theory is something that's been widely accepted. Like the theory of blution. Yeah. Theory of gravity. Yeah.

Something like that. Uh-huh. So you're dumb. Oh, really? Great argument. How about try forming one with a premise and a conclusion, you shit cock? Well, this guy might know what he's talking about. Great. This one.

Hey, guys. This is Charles Darwin here. He's an expert. Starlin, wow. You guys seem to be kind of confused about how evolution works. I just want to tell you, selective breeding is not actually not evolution. It is both evolution and selective breeding. Selective breeding is just a subset.

Right. Go fuck yourself, Dick. I got one more. Yeah. Let's hear all these dopes. I'm a pathogenic bacteria. and this is how I talk. Maddox, you called the first law of thermodynamics and unproven theory?

I didn't say that. It's been tested and scrutinized both scientifically and mathematically. Countless times. Never once has it been disproven. I don't have a central nervous system. Even I know that. But I guess that's to be expected from a guy who calls plugging his dick hole a science experiment. It was a science experiment.

It was. I was trying to see if I could piss like a hose out of my penis for the benefit of humanity. I get nothing but disrespect. So what did Angel Doritos say in your defense? You know what? Hold your horses. Hold your horses. All these dickheads, these cock suckers.

Oh, Maddox. Actually, nothing in science has proven. It's all theory. No, it's not, dipshit. Have you guys ever heard of fucking math? Huh? Mathematical proofs? There are mathematical proofs that correlate to the observations that you make.

The scientific method is you notice a phenomenon, right? You observe it. You observe a phenomenon. then you make a theory about it, right? Why it's occurring, or how it's occurring. Hypothesis. Yes. And then you test your hypothesis.

Right. You analyze the data and then reformulate your hypothesis and keep doing that in a loop until you find the solution. You find the answer. You find whatever it is. Yeah, until it becomes a theory. But a law is stronger than a theory. A scientific law, yes it is.

No, it's not. Yes, it fucking is. Google it, shithead. Google it right now. Well, they're different because a law is something that you observe and you never don't observe and it, like, whether it has a theory to explain why it happens or not, the law is something that just exists. A law, a law is something that, the theory is something that we made up, a law is something that is just absolute in nature.

Dick, you have elucidated nothing, and that's exactly what I'm saying. You can't read them. They're different. No, but it's not a universal, it's not a law of nature. It only is insofar as we don't, we haven't found a counter example, and we have no mathematical proof for it. Here's, here, let me read this comment by Angel Dorino. He says, so he's replying to someone named Zach who made a very silly childish, immature, low ball, low blow, shitty, low brow, shitty, low brow, all the walls, toilet humor, toilet humor, juvenile, chophomoric, yeah, embarrassing, really, imbecilic, uneducated, uneducated, uneducated, uneducated, pseudo intellectual, anti-intellectual argument against me. These are all these people.

people, right? So he's saying, Zach, shut the fuck up, I'm a physicist. Uh-oh. So why won't your slow fedora wearing retarded ass, take your own advice and look up shit? That's how a physicist talks. Yeah. Trump's really lowered the bar. So he says, anyway, scientific laws are different from mathematical laws in the sense that there isn't necessarily proof for them. I know your dense Pillsbury bread boy looking dumbass doesn't understand very well what proof means. So I'll explain it. For those of us that are real scientists and have taken classes in logic and mathematical proofs,

aka me. That's me. I'm just saying that me, Maddox, I'm saying that. Oh. Yeah. But he says for those of us, but this is him again. What a way stronger letter? Yeah. I thought your fans usually talk differently. That's why I'm having a hard time. No, this guy I'm just doing the voice that naturally

correlates to the words on the page. This is the voice. For those of us that are real scientists and have taken classes in logic and mathematical proofs, the word proof doesn't mean just any correlating evidence. Fuckface. I added the fuckface part. A proof is demonstration That a proof is the demonstration

That a claim of theorem Follows analytically from definition From the more fundamental axioms of logical systems That sounds like a mouthful But listen, but hear me out He goes on No, keep going, I'm getting really hard Good

Scientific laws have not necessarily demonstrated To follow analytically from anything At times, they can be considered axiomatic themselves They are the result of repeated observation regarding an abstract proposition that has been generalized inductively, and that's exactly the scientific theory that I just described, isn't it, Shahead? The scientific method.

Keep going. While the scientific law, shut up. While the scientific law may not be the same as the larger scientific theory, the matter of the fact is that the scientific law is a theoretical construct. Is when I tapped the head. You're such a fucking dick. Stop being an asshole and listen.

Pay attention. We'll write this down. Write this down, Dick. You might learn something for the first. time in your life. Write down everything I say from now on. Remember Newton's laws that paved away for all of modern science? Huh? Well, those of sins been rendered false

by more sophisticated theories. Yet they're still virtually true in most applications. They are of practical value. Guess what? The law of conservation of mass was rendered false too when special relativity was developed. There's no way around it. There's no conservation of mass in modern physics. There's only

conservation of energy under qualified conditions. We still use the term law of conservation of mass for practical reasons. It's not a fucking... It's only a law insofar as that, okay, it holds true for a whole bunch of experiments, but there's no... No, there's no mathematical proof behind it.

Yeah, that's... Okay. While he was writing that paper, how many black holes burned down while this physicist was off of his test tubes. Einstein's theory of relativity does have a mathematical proof behind it. In fact, he discovered mathematically first,

before he discovered any observational things, were tested. They couldn't test satellites going around Venus to test the clock on it. They couldn't test gravitational lensing and all these things. Those came after the fact. Einstein discovered most of it through mathematics alone, and that's why it's such a solid theory.

Why you let these guys get to you so much? They're such assholes. They're such dickheads. Morons. You don't have to prove yourself to them. You know what you're talking about. Shitheads. Fuck them. Fuck them. Let's get to some real problems. All right, Dick. I know you got a good one this week.

I got a good one, Dick, this week, because usually before the show starts, we just tell each other what we're going to discuss. Yes, to make sure that we don't both bring in the same problem. Yeah, generally. And I know you didn't bring in this problem. This is a big one, Dick. I've been waiting a long time to bring this one in. Uh-oh. Yeah.

Libertarian theory. That's a good groan from Sean. Yeah, because nobody wants to hear it. Yeah, no one wants to hear it, including me. I don't want to hear that shit anymore. What's your problem with people just wanting you to have more freedom? What is your problem with that? More freedom.

So what if we also want to wear cool hats? Okay. Yeah, libertarians wouldn't know the first thing about freedom. And clone Ein Rand. Yeah, you guys wouldn't know the first thing about freedom. There's this meme. What? I want to read this meme on the, that's been floating around on the internet first.

It shows a picture of a cat. Oh, you know it's got good advice then. Hang in there, baby. It's a funny analog. It's a funny analog. It's a picture of a cat looking up. Like this little cat I'm showing this picture. I'll post it on the website.

It says, all cats are libertarians. Completely dependent on others, but fully convinced of their own independence. That's a fucking libertarian in a nutshell. Here. Bravo, Maddox. Yeah, that's a good argument. Are you saying because we drive on public roads and live in a society that's based on a republic? Actually, exactly that dick.

Well, you kind of have to be. That's how the system is. Yeah. I didn't have a choice. Dick, last episode about the whole the whole Kim Davis thing. Oh, God. You don't even say it.

Let's have a ban on saying the name on the podcast. Well, that's fine, Dick. There's a bit I haven't played in a long time. It's a fan favorite. Yeah. Dick, it's full of shit. Oh. Yeah.

Cool. What a drag. All your bits are this, though. All your bits are me. contradicting myself. No, no, this is you not knowing shit. Oh. It doesn't know.

Dick. Yeah, Dick doesn't know dick. Full of shit. Full of shit. Yeah, that's you. You're full of shit. Because here's what you said last episode about the whole Kim Davis controversy. And that was the woman in Kentucky who was grandstanding and not signing documents a lot.

I don't think she was. Yeah, I know. And here's what you said. There is a law saying you have to make concessions for people's beliefs a little bit. You have to try. Yeah. And they did. They did try. I don't think they did.

Yes, they did. No, no, no. Here's why. And then he went on. And I said that she was grandstanding. He said, no, I don't think they did. You said it now and you said it then. Here's what actually happened.

In fact, the judge did give Davis a second chance to comply. Oh, man. When five deputy clerks agreed to begin improving marriage licenses Friday, Davis had to agree not to interfere when she refused the judge ordered federal marshals to take her to jail. Yeah. They gave her a chance. Five deputy clerks. I don't want to talk about Kim Davis anymore.

Like, people fucking hate it. Oh, that's fine. But, but the point remains, the judge did give her a chance, right? I'll acquiesce the point just to not talk about it. Like, it's so much, it's overload. It's overload. Okay, good. Good, dick. I, so back on to...

Oh, girl. Well, because it's part of the whole libertarian construct. Like, oh, the big, bad federal government is coming in and telling me what to do. They can't tell me to go to bed. Well, that's all it is. That's all it is. Tocqueville said... Democracy in America will last

until the government figures out that it can bribe the public for its votes. How does, you think that he's an idiot? I didn't say that. I don't know that quote. I don't know who wrote it. Who are you quoting there? Tocqueville, he's like a scholar

in the beginning stages of American democracy. Not familiar. Okay. Yeah, not from... Well, I think the idea is sound that the government can bribe people by giving them free shit. You don't think that's true?

You don't think the idea of that is true and possibly scary? I think it's possible that the government could bribe people. I bribe people for things. In fact, I just talked to a Filipino about last weekend. Is that necessary? Yeah, I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why. Because he said that in the Philippines, the government actually does bribe the citizens to vote, but it's like $10. They give them $10 to vote. All right. But anyway, Dick. Gas money. Yeah, a little bit of gas money. A little pocket money.

You're going to get there. Get a little something nice of the way off, too. Get a chicken. Get a chicken. Get a chicken for your wife, too. Ah, you can buy two chickens with that. All right. Maybe a dog.

So I went to this website, Dick. I don't know. Maybe this is, maybe this is, fucking dick. This is... As a pet. What do you, what do you mean? What are you and Sean mean? Oh, perfect.

Bravo. Ass. I have a website that has a bunch of libertarian principles on it. Okay. I think it's authoritative. Let's go. It's libertarian party. Child pornography should be legal.

L.P.org. The website has this big banner at the top says, the party of principle. Yeah. And then it says minimum government, maximum freedom. Yeah, I support that.

I support that. See, the problem is, Dick, you and all the other libertarian shiths in the comments, like, oh, every time you're like, what's wrong with smaller government? They really got you last week with that science shit.

Hey, Maddox, what's wrong with a smaller government? The problem is that any time you define a government to be a certain size, some shiths going to come along by like, well, that government's too big. We should make it smaller.

Yeah, but that's okay. How do you define it, though? No, libertines are not self-consistent. You can't define what a small government is. They feel like now it should be less. Now there should be less government. That's what they think. What's wrong with that?

They always think that. They always think that since when. I am skeptical. I am suspicious of any political party who claims to want smaller government and yet is still running for government. Okay, you guys are the ones going to fix this problem? Sure, let's see how you do it, Shihad.

Well, what, should they do like ISIS and just start blowing shit up until they do what we want? You got to run and get in there to change the system. Yeah. You can dismantle pieces of the government from inside. Sure. You got to fuck for virginity, right?

That's exactly what that is. No, it's about like ending wasteful programs. Yeah. And programs that don't work. Of course. What do you mean? Of course. Like the drug war.

The war on terror. Many, many wars that are spanning the face of the earth. Republicans didn't end them. Democrats didn't in them. Put a libertarian in. They'll end the wars. Republicans, for the most part, started them. The two biggest wars

that America has ever been in Iraq and Afghanistan, 14 years now we've been in Afghanistan. Republicans started, and the Republicans are more more, Republicans are more closer to libertarian ideology than liberals or independence or even socialist. Thank you. That's true. So they started that. They started the war on drugs. Ronald Reagan, conservative sweetheart, conservative

darling. He's not libertarian, though. Yeah, but his principles are often lionized by libertarians. No, he's not. No, I don't think Ronald Reagan's Ron Rod Reagan was, I would say, in my estimation, a pretty decent conservative. Like, as far as conservatives goes, he's probably one of the best. Yeah. He's not perfect. He obviously made really big, fucked up mistakes like, like, the war on drugs.

Yeah, more on drugs, sure. Yeah, he made mistakes. But anyway, man, back to, I want to say something that I disagree with a lot of Obama's politics. Something he said when he was first elected in office was he said that it's not the size of the government that matters. It's whether or not the government runs efficiently and works efficiently. And I couldn't agree more. Because the same thing could be said of corporations and any large organization, charities, any large organizations. It's by stocks that only go up.

That's what you're saying. Make sure the government always works and works well. Like, yeah, okay, but it never has. No, that's not true, Dick. Because right now it's more... You've been in DMV? Right. Yeah, but DMV is the constant example that you always give.

But libraries? Libraries. Libraries? The post office is not a full government organization. Yeah, libraries are great. Why the hell does it? they even exist. Because people like to read, Dick.

Look into it. You need a bunch of dumb books sitting in a warehouse sitting on prime real estate and jackoff machines for homeless people? Maybe in... I don't need that. Why am I paying for that? Yeah. Well, some of us do reading and research and we go to library sometimes.

Let me ask you this. How's this for a libertarian principle? When I pay health insurance, I shouldn't have to pay for maternity shit as a single man. Okay. That's exactly libertarian. That's a perfect libertarian philosophy. Yeah. Not me.

I don't use it, so not me. But the problem is, Dick, there are certain services and there are certain programs that society can benefit from at large that no one person or institution or organization is tasked with creating or even can create. Like, hold on, but before I get ahead of myself. Go through your list. I want to say something. I want to say something. I brought in two problems this week. Okay.

And the reason I'm going to mention my second problem now. The second one better not be me. No, no. The reason I want to mention it now, Dick, is because it's basically the same problem. It's a problem that is a perfect example of the problem with libertarian theory. And I'm not going to say libertarians or libertarianism

because no libertarian government has ever existed. No proper working libertarian government. Yeah, but it's an idea. The closest thing is like, what, Ethiopia or something like that. But there's not, like Democrats, Republicans aren't clearly defined. Hold on. The party changes over years. Let me tell you what this,

The second problem is. Okay. Homeowners associations. Yeah, they're a bit... I hate them. Yeah. They're a big problem. Homeowners associations.

I hate them because they fucking nail me with huge fees. I think you're unnecessary. Shit, Dick wrote a song about it. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, homeowners association, Dick, is the perfect example. For everybody who doesn't know, it's the governing body of a local neighborhood that charges you and sets up a bunch of rules and regulations on how you can manage your own house.

Like, you have to do your yard. You can't paint your house pink. Shit like that. Sometimes they charge very little. Sometimes they charge $110 a year. Sometimes they charge an outrageous amount. Like if they're running a fucking golf course. They are a nightmare. I loathe homeowners associations. They are a perfect example of a microcosm of government. Out of fucking control, a tiny little government that is completely self-regulated and self-enclosed and all they fucking do is getting your business. That's a homeowner association. That's a libertarian government. A tiny small government. That's all it is. What's the difference? think that. You want small government?

Homeowners Association is a perfect example of that. You don't know what is a libertarian. If you think an HOA is what libertarians want. That's a perfect example of it. No, no, no. Okay, first of all, first of all, I don't like homeowners associations. But if they exist, I want them to be extremely small. You know what I'm saying?

Because those are good. I lived in a small one, and there were still shitheads. Well, then dismantle it. Like, in my ideal world, I want no homeowners association. Like, a libertarian does not want a homeowners association. That's very important for that you realize that. Well, that's not a libertarian government. Well, you say that, but that's a perfect example of a libertarian government.

No, it is. Then tell me, wait. Oh, you're going to get raped in the comments this week for that. I'm going to let them just have it. Yeah, no, no. It's not worth it. I feel like generally, Sean is a voice of reason sometimes. Sean, I want to know why you think it's not.

because a libertarian would not want a government at all. I know, I know what a libertarian... But, Sean, can you agree that what a libertarian says they want and what a libertarian ideal is is two different things? They say they don't want any kind of government like that. No, you're putting him on the spot, asking them these trick questions. That's not a trick question. Answer the question, John.

Do you think that that's different? What they say they want and what it is? Like, a small government... What do you mean what they say they want versus what it is? They say they want more liberties, but a homeowners association imposes fines and their will on every aspect of your life. But that's not a libertarian government. Yeah, that's...

But it's a small government, isn't it? They don't want small government that's in your backyard. Small in relation to what? It has like... Exactly. No, no, no, no. You're talking about a small government

because it only lords over 100 houses. Right, that's a small government. No, it's not a small government. If they have a major impact in your life, then that's a huge government. Okay, so by definition... Less interference. It's a comparison.

More freedom. Less interference. Less interference. in your life. Let you do what you want to do. Because most homeowners associations, like for, I lived in an apartment complex with, I think, 90 different tenants, and there was a homeowner association made up of eight people,

made everyone's lives a living hell. Do you think it would have been better if they say, I don't know, had 100 people on the homeowners association? No, I think that you should have, first of all, you didn't own the condo, so your opinion is totally worthless in this scenario. Doesn't matter, I live there. But you don't have any rights.

It's their community. If you own a condo, you own a condo, there, you've got to run for the board. I mean, that's what, if your homeowners association fucks with you too much, you run for the board, my father did this, and you try to fix it from the inside.

But libertarians want as little intervention from a homeowners association as possible. If they have to do landscaping, collect fees for the landscaping, and then give all the money back. That's it. Well, I have this clip from the Mercatus Center. A Mercatus Center

is the Libertarian Think Tank. They have this YouTube video. There's this website. It is, let's see, it is Freedom in the 50 States.org. And every year they rank... Sounds like a crazy site. It's a libertarian website. They rank the most free, the most free states, right?

The most free states in the United States. Here's this YouTube video they came out with. Listen to us. Every two years, all 50 states convened to compete for the title of most free state. The winner will receive more residents, fewer burdensome rules that slow growth, and fewer nanny state regulations.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. The winner's going to get more residents living there. Fewer nanny state regulations. Fewer burdens and regulations that choke growth, right? Well, it's a nice idea. Yeah, it's a nice idea on paper.

And here are the states that made the cut. Here are the states. New Hampshire is looking especially confident coming off its win in 2011. I'm wondering how New York will do. It'll look too good. And then on this. This is a really bad video. And then the video of New York, it shows New York.

York anchored with all these like literal anchors. And then they have these little tags on it to say regulation and nanny state and all this other shit. Right. So here are the states that actually made the cut. Are ready to kick off at the fiscal policy swim. Bang! And they're off.

Low taxes are giving South Dakota. Oh my God. Followed by Tennessee. Vermont, New Jersey and Hawaii are way behind. Way down by taxation and debt. Oh, I think New York in my drought out there. Oh, ho. Do you hear that last part?

Oh, New York's going to do. drown out there. Yeah, New York is choking with taxation and debt. You know, New York, they're really struggling. That shit economy, New York. Let's talk about New Hampshire and Tennessee. New York City went bankrupt. Yeah, but they're still making, I mean, they gross more than all

these states combined, John. Yeah, but they're also like a major... There's nine million people in Manhattan. Yeah. Well, it sounds like a real shitty place to live if nine million people want to live there. Here, let's go on. It's been shitty to live there before. Well, let's finish this. Now ready to race today. South Dakota is out of the water and

On to the regulatory wall climb. Wow, Indiana and Delaware are rocketing up the wall. West Virginia's liability system and New Jersey's abusive property rights are leaving them stuck in molasses. There's New York again. I think the back's going to give out. Oh, New York. It's stupid. It is a stupid video.

Yeah, it's a stupid video. And here's the top videos like that for all sides. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure. But you say that like there isn't, but there probably is. I mean, yeah, but this is. You want to bring in a video games unboxing and see how lame that sounds? No.

Oh, hey, you got to it's dark souls too today. A great game, but let's see what the package looks like. Yeah. No, so this is the, according to this libertarian think tank. Well, what was the problem with that? Oh, you're getting to that right now. Yeah, let me read the, these are the top ten states that are the most free. Uh-huh.

I know why you didn't tell me what the problem was now, because then I would have prepared something about great about libertarianism. And now I'm sandbagged. You should already know. I'm still reeling from his absolutely retarded take on HOA and being small government and using that as an example of what libertarians want. It's not what libertarians want. I'm not a libertarian, but it's just, it's a completely false pretense.

You fucking weasels are impossible to nail to the wall because you're just slippery little fucks. Because any time I say this is an example of a small government, how come that? And you're like, no, that's not libertarian because it's shitty. No, because it's invasive. Yeah, invasive. It's invasive and not representative. Oh, sure. Well, here are the top ten.

Here are the top 10 states. As proof that you didn't feel you were represented on yours. Go ahead. Top 50 states. A libertarian think tank came up with the top 10 most free states. Number one is North Dakota. Number two is South Dakota. Number three is Tennessee.

Then New Hampshire. Then Oklahoma. Then Idaho. Missouri. Virginia. Georgia. And my very own home state of Utah. Utah. Utah. The most free. Fuck you.

And by the way, these regulations that are supposedly crippling the economy and choking growth and, choking economic activity. Are any of these states known for anything? For Jack, they're known for Jack's shit. They're known for being free. They're not powerhouses.

They're not powerhouses of economic activity. North Dakota, South Dakota, Tennessee. What the fuck comes out of Tennessee? Except for babes. No, but seriously, nothing comes down. Idaho? Idaho made the fucking list. Potatoes, come on.

Utah. Those are the most free potatoes ever. People want to live on the coasts. Yeah. Oh, is that what? Yeah. That's exactly why. Oh, so.

You can't sound like it's stupid. Yeah. Like, yeah. People live with their families. But also Chicago, Chicago's not on the coast. Chicago's one of the biggest cities in the U.S. San Francisco. Well, that's on the coast, I guess.

Big Shippingport. Yeah, but anyway. People want to live in big cities. Yeah. What is your problem? That's where commerce happens. Sure. Not, not, and these big cities, you know, these libertarians are saying that regulation

cripples the economy, right? Yeah. And these are the least free states. Here's, but here's what pisses me off about you libertarians, okay? You guys, you slippery fuck. because I lived... Don't blump me in with libertarians. Not you, Sean.

I'm looking at... I'm looking at dick over here. I lived in a state that is libertarian leaning. One of the most conservative states in the union. Utah? Libertarian leaning. What do you mean? Liberation leaning.

They're so fucking conservative. That doesn't mean libertarian, though. Hold on. Hold on. Outside of conservatives, libertarians are like the next biggest thing in Utah and Montana. Like, it's all libertarians. Here's some rules and regulations. This most free list, right?

That these libertarian think tank, Here are things you can't do in Utah. Let me just refresh your memory. Can't buy alcohol freely. Alcohol is limited to 3.2%. Drinks in restaurants have to be made behind a Zion curtain. So outside of the view of other potential customers and kids. Those are hardcore conservatives who want to legislate morality.

Well, wait a minute. Let me say this. Again, this is the most free. Let me say this. You're proving the libertarian philosophy by simply moving out of Utah. In moving out of Utah, you took, you and your business to a place that had better laws, proving their philosophy that if you let people,

if you let states be autonomous, people will vote with their feet. And the better system of government will prevail. You took money out of Utah because of their morality shit. Over time, the idea is that they'll learn. And they'll be weaker. It's not just that. You can't buy liquor in grocery stores.

They won't admit anyone into a bar after 1 a.m. You couldn't order alcohol before food until 2013. Until 2013, if you go to a restaurant, you order a beer. You have to order food first, and it has to come to your table before you get your beer. Adult stores are highly regulated. Porn is censored. Viginas and penises are digitized. Drugs are strictly prohibited.

There's no prostitution. Fireworks are restricted. It's strongly anti-gay marriage. That's exactly the argument you were making last time, Dick. You said, well, marriage should go to the states. But here's the thing, bozo. The argument I was making was that it showed go to people. Oh, the people are to the state then, right.

No. What's the difference? Because it's their personhood. Like, people have the ability to make contracts. But you have to be able to recognize it, right? You can't just, like, you and I can make a contract here. We have a legal system, yeah. Yeah, exactly, and that's why you need government.

That's why you need government to enforce it. Because if some goofy state... I don't think you're... Let me finish this. Okay, go ahead. If some goofy state, like Kentucky, passes a law that says, well, we don't recognize gay marriage. And let's say libertarian Dick Masterson comes along and goes,

that's a good law because you should be able to, Believe what you want. Hold on. You should be able to... Well, don't tell me I think it's a good law that gay people should get married. This is a hypothetical. Then don't use my fucking name. Okay.

But you did say... This has been every argument. Well, this is what they believe. And that's what it's like, no, this is not what they believe. But you did say that it should go to the states. You said that. I said that I would prefer states over the federal government to make the call. Yeah.

Here's the problem with that. If a state... Say, like, 10 out of the 50 states recognize... Let me finish this. If 10 out of the 50 states recognize gay marriage, and you get married in one of these states. And then your job transfers you to a state that doesn't recognize gay marriage. What then? Well, then it's not recognized anymore.

Oh, so it's a goofy. So then what, then what, Dick? How do you solve this problem? I don't know. What do you mean, then what? Then what happened happened? Like, it existed for a while where a small number of states had gay marriage. Then the world changed.

Like, what do you want me to say? Then what? Yeah. What do you mean then what? How do you want me to answer that? Well, that was the past. All I hear is less regulation, less intrusion into people's lives, less restrictions, less everything, smaller government, but no solutions. Give me a solution to that problem.

Stop the gay marriage one? Yeah. Stop regulating it. Stop regulating marriage. Stop regulating contracts people are getting into personally. Stop regulating it. It's none of your fucking business. Less regulation.

You should, like, the energy should be deregulated, right? Energy? Oh, fuck. I have no idea what you think you mean by that. What do you mean energy should be deregulated? I love getting into this argument. Every libertarian I've ever talking to. It's a same bag.

Let me finish, dude. Let me finish. Every libertarian I've ever talked to. Yeah. Loves the energy deregulation idea. They love that energy should be a free market and it should be deregulated and companies should be able to do whatever they want.

I don't know what any, I don't know what half of that means. What do you think it means? That companies should be able to do whatever they want? Yeah, I have no idea. No government. Overn oversight. Of, what, of energy? Yeah.

Though that seems pretty unfeasible because it's a gigantic public good. Do you know a lot of libertarians who are holding parades for let companies do whatever they want with energy? I know a lot of libertarians who are saying goofy things like energy should be deregulated. But you know what happens when energy does get deregulated dick? These shifty fuckers like Enron come along and they start doing a backdoor deal. and shady operations, illegal things. That's why these regulations exist. In collusion with the government, though.

That's why these... No, the government literally deregulated the energy markets, and that's why Enron became a big problem. Look, it worked for the phone companies. They got deregiped. I fucking love my cell phone. Name one fucking good cell phone company. Do you remember how expensive it used to be to make

long distance calls? Because they had a big old regulated monopoly? It's more expensive now. I'm paying more for my phone bill now than when I had a landline, even with long distance calls. I'm paying more for my fucking phone because the phone companies view your data as different than voice.

Voice and data are going over the same fucking lines, the same fucking stream, yet somehow you have to pay for data and you have to pay for voice. And you think you're paying more for this than back when modems went bing bong, Bing bong, you remember the phone bills people would get then? I paid like $40 a month flat, period, and that was it, and I used

all the data I wanted to. There was no data caps. Now I have to pay for internet. Now I have to be... Are you really arguing that Cell phone companies are a great model of deregulation? No, cell phone companies are not what was deregulated. It was the phone lines. There weren't cell phones back then. Yeah.

It was just long, it was distance lines because the lines were already in. So, like, we all paid to put the lines in, and then we're like, okay, you get a certain amount of time to make your money back to run this. And they said, oh, that's not really fair anymore. Now you've got to compete. Everybody not cut it up, cut all the companies up. Now you guys got to compete with each other to supply cheaper long distance rates. Like, it's got to work out like a lot.

fair market. Right. Which is a libertarian thing. Like, make things, make sometimes it's better to make things competitive. When do you think that regulation is good, Dick? That is such a retarded question. No, it's not. What's wrong with that question? Answer the question. When do you think regulation is good? This is a Senate committee hearing. Slippery, fuck. You can't nail them down. You can't nail them down. I love that it takes three words for you to start grandstanding again. Like, you are totally grandstanding like a senator. Like you're showing off for everybody. because you have this assumption of what being a libertarian is.

When is regulation good? Fuck, I don't know, when it's a public utility, like a road. Like, it works then a lot of the times. Sometimes toll roads work. Sometimes toll roads are doing great. Sometimes it's good to not have a public utility regulated. Lighthouses get built. Sometimes it's good to make the people who stand to profit the most put in the money to build it.

Like, I would love if, I don't know, Walmart contributed more to the national. international interstate highway system than the rest of us because they're using it to sell cheap shit. Oh. So do you think that there should be some regulation, say, if there was a public asset or public good, that a public resource, let's say, like fuel. Fuel's not a public resource. Fuel is a finite resource. Fuel is a finite limited resource.

You have to see now, this is a great example of where I'm like, I don't agree with that. Okay. Well, okay, why not, Dick? You just said that Walmart should pay more because they're using it more. So couldn't you apply that same logic to fuel and say that, But people who drive Hummers should pay more. People should pay a Hummer tax. Well, they do.

There's a gas tax. If you use more gas, you pay more of the gas tax. It's very simple. No, but they can just buy as much as they want. Well, yeah, that's called a free market. I'm fine with that. Yeah, okay. You know, it all shakes out because everybody pays the same amount of tax on the fuel.

Well, isn't Walmart then paying into the system just like anyone else, use it or not? In fact, people who don't use it at all, cyclists, for example, who aren't using the road nearly as much as cars, are still paying tax to maintain it. Yeah, well, I don't know. What do you want? Well, ask me if it's fair or if it should be regulated. It's a public road.

It's got to be regulated. You can't be anybody paving roads anywhere they want. But they do. They make toll roads everywhere, Dick. Isn't that a libertarian fantasy? No, it's a very in-depth process to get a toll road approved.

It's not a free market for roads spanning across America. So you think it's good that toll roads exist? Or, excuse me, They're working. That's not what I meant to ask. You think it's good that government exists to make roads and that sort of thing, like public utilities and public things.

That's what it should be for? That's all they should do. Oh, okay, like a smug asshole. Like, you think, like you're not catching libertarians on any of this shit. That's because I can't. You guys are slippery. No, Maddox, because you don't understand what is a libertarian. A libertarian would say, look, drugs aren't hurting anybody.

Just let people do it. Like, that's what the libertarian philosophy is. If you're not harming anyone else, you get to do it. If everybody in L.A. gets together and says, we want a bunch of freeways. Like, you guys go ahead and figure it out. But don't make people in Nebraska pay for it because they don't need a bunch of fucking freeways. Like, in L.A., it makes sense for everybody to put in more for freeways. Fine.

Making that a federal thing, everybody has to pay this percentage of their income tax for freeways. Doesn't make any sense. I'll tell you what doesn't make sense, Dick, is when you have a bunch of states that decide that they don't want to fund the military anymore. And they decide, they pass legislation. They say, you know what, no more of our tax money is going to the military because we're not going to use it. I before that. Oh, great. And then next thing you know, the military is completely defunded or defunded to the point where they're crippled.

And then our national security is impacted. Well, wouldn't it be nice if some government came in and said, no, you have to pay taxes whether you agree with or not, because this is generally good for our national security. etc, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm not saying... 9-11, 9-11. You forgot that. What about it? You forgot just repeating 9-11

because this is fear-mongering. Well, no, no, I totally agree. I totally agree that 9-11 was handled poorly. No, because God forbid that we don't have a shitload of war all the time. Right? Right. God forbid that some states would want to reduce the amount of money we're paying into a gigantic fucking complex

that just goes around and kills people with baseball cards. God forbid. That's fine. I agree with that. But then who decides? what's worthy cause and what's not. The libertarian? People.

Oh, the state. People decide. Like, people are smart. When they get together in groups, they can make these decisions. They don't need it made for them. Oh. They don't mean it made for them

by people who are offering them free shit for the opportunity to do so. Dick, there's definitely problems with our government because they are coerced by lobbyists and special interest groups, for sure. But also, government can be functional, and there are lots of successful government programs.

Any libertarian would admit that. Any libertarian would admit that. They're not anarchists. That's the fundamental difference you do not understand. Well, then you do... I want any slippery fuck libertarian to tell me what size of government we can live by and what...

But it's different for everybody. Every city and every state. They should decide how big they want their government to be. Like a homeowner association. Here's... So clearly I don't understand... Oh, clearly you don't understand. I don't understand.

I don't understand anything. So I actually brought in the Libertarian Party principles. Okay. And I have a song to play for this, for this part. Right here, here we go. This is from Chris Tanaka Canwell.

Uh-huh. Yeah, he made that song. I use it on my YouTube videos. But this is the Libertarian Party principles, all right? You've got some, what's your most recent YouTube video since we're talking about it? What's the, let's pitch that? My cooking videos coming out. Yeah, yeah, I did my cooking video.

Anyway, it should be out as of this recording. Anyway. Libertarian Party principles. Here we go. As libertarians, as libertarians, we seek a world of liberty, a world in which all individuals are sovereign over their own lives. And no one is forced to sacrifice his or her values for the benefit of others. We believe that respect for individual rights is essential preconditions for a free and prosperous world. that force and fraud must be banished from human relationships

and that only through freedom can peace and prosperity be realized. Yeah. Consequently, we defend each person's right to engage in any activity that is peaceful and honest and welcome the diversity that freedom brings. What voice is he doing? I don't know. Is that Officer Barb Brady from South Park? The world we seek to build.

It's a guy who's about to have a foot shoved up his ass. The world we seek to build is one. where individuals are free to follow their own dreams in their own ways without interference from government or any authoritarian power. Any authoritarian power. Yeah. These specific policies are not our goal, however.

Our goals, nothing more, nor less than a world set free in our lifetime and it is to this end that we take these stands. Libertarian Party, libertarians. LP.org. That's their principles. I mean, you know the internet is like a perfect libertarian utopia.

Right? Well, yeah, up until corporations start to meddle and destroy net neutrality. Corporations aren't doing that the government is. No, the corporations are fucking... The corporations... They are lobbying the government. So who's doing the fucked up thing?

The corporations... The fucking government is, you dipshit! The corporations are they're just bribing them to do it. They shouldn't have that power in the first place. It's the corporations. Well, if someone doesn't regulate it, dick, then corporations can do whatever they want. The only thing keeping net neutrality

neutral is the fucking government shithead and these corporations are putting people on the panel of the FCC trying to get that overturned. They're the ones who are fucking it up. It's the government who invented the internet and it's the government who's saving the internet. It's the only fucking thing that's keeping the internet free is the fucking government.

They're keeping it free from themselves. Oh, you guys piss me off. Anyway, Dick, this line says everything here. Do you have any good points in there? Because all of this has been dog shit and you're just showing off how much you don't know about what is a libertarian. interference from government or any authoritarian power. Any authoritarian power.

Libertarians are just a bunch of crybaby idiots who need their asses wiped, who got told too many times to go to bed by their parents. And now they're growing up, they have a huge fucking complex where they don't want the government to, quote, steal their money by taxes and steal their money with all these... It's the liberty. It's not money. It's the liberty. You know what else libertarians are?

The smartest people in America. The 999, green. The people heard it's like Mensa, but it makes Mensa looks like a bunch of retards. Yeah. 99.9 percentile or percent or whatever it is. Some statistic nerds are bust me on that. Most of them are libertarians. You know what?

Because they understand the big picture and how important it is to maintain personal liberty. They're the only party that's not trying to bribe you with Christ or free college. Yeah, I agree, Dick. You know what? If a libertarian is prudent. with his money and likes to save $5 on save razors. I would totally be on board with that. I mean, we went way over the thing.

We'll make it long. I want to hear your problem too. No, no, you can put this in at the beginning, I guess. Give me to read the thing. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code

biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. We're all using Harries now. We discuss it before the show now. We discuss techniques of how to use the Harry's razor. Because it feels, I will say, it feels heavy like a gun. It feels substantial in your hand when you're shaving. It doesn't feel like a plastic piece of garbage that was chromed to make it look cool, right? To try to convince you that you have a big dick when even though you don't.

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let's see, you put in the promo code. Biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. It does work. The starter kit is 15. The promo code does work. I mean, obviously the raises work. Starter kit is 15 bucks. That includes a razor, three blades, and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. One of you motherfuckers owes me some cream, by the way. I got some butter. I got some butter. See, this is a perfect libertarian transaction that we're having. I'm going to send Harry's kit to my mom. And guys, thanks for tweeting these.

Jesus. You guys haven't met my mom. Yeah, she did. What did she get a shave? Oh, all the things. Where do women have hair, Maddox? Their upper lip, their lower chin, their underarms, their legs, their over arms. their outer arms, they're... All the arms.

Their lunch lady arms. All the moms should get this. Shipping is free. How about that? Here's the guy... You want to hear one of the founders' stories? Yeah. Ferries.

He went to a drugstore and waited 10 minutes for someone to unlock the case where razors will help... That's it. That's all I need to hear. Sounds like a libertarian drugstore. Fuck waiting at the drugstore. Get it delivered to your house. That drugstore sounds like it's run by the DMV. Fuck that.

I... Okay. Here we go. That libertarian... DMV. Hey, one more time. What's the code? Biggest problem.

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Bravo. We did it. Thank you. Cool. I'm just, I'm blown away. It's like being I feel like I'm Jesus. Look at all I did.

Look at all I did for you dumbasses trying to protect your liberties and you just don't understand what I'm trying to do. Nail you two across literally, Dick Masterson. Yes, but make sure you get a good deal on those nails. Yeah. Thank God that you live in a world

where you can shop the price around. Yeah. You know? You can go to another state and shop that price around. No, I agree. That's a good point. What is a good point about that?

You can go to other states and shop around. Deregulation, man. That's the one he likes. Yeah. I mean, you realize that... Well, of course you don't realize it. I don't realize anything, Dick. I'm just a dumb, mouth breathing.

I think you have something against libertarians because you think it's with them... I think you think they're anarchists. And I think you think that it's all or nothing. But you guys can't... I just want one fucking slippery, libertarian to tell me the size of government. Tell me how big it should be.

But it... Depends on what, like, okay, don't interrupt me yet. Do you interrupt me, but not yet. You realize that different government institutions run different things around the country, right? Like, there's a department that runs national parks, let's say, and there's a department that run, like, the police are a separate kind of government, right? So you can't say what's, like, the size, because it's different for everything they're trying to address. Right? Different sizes for different pieces of government.

Yes. and some of them are out of whack with other ones. Like, reducing, like, giving farmers subsidies to not grow corn. That is a terrible thing. Oh, you guys are so silly. You guys are such fucking silly little children.

You don't understand that, though. Each compartment of government should be small, but then there should be a... No, no dipshit, should be smaller than others. Some should be smaller than others. Oh, that'll, okay, so how big should say the Department of Agriculture be compared to, say, the Department of Defense? Smaller. Smaller.

Smaller. Smaller. We shouldn't be giving all this fucking money to people to bribe them to do things. War. Smaller. So you think an efficient government is one in which it's smaller. Look, you reduce it. I'll tell you when to stop.

How about that? Okay. You start cutting and I'll tell you when to stop. But here's the thing, Dick. Here's what you libertarian jackasses don't understand. Oh my God. Is that every time that there's a program that you think should be cut, right? There's going to be a ton of people who disagree.

And then every time there's a program that you think this should be stay, there's a ton of people who disagree. Because so libertarians are the same jackasses. It's called democracy, you stupid shit. That's the point of the whole thing. And guess what, Dick? Everyone rejects your stupid fucking libertarian bullshit because no one won't. No one's voting you guys in. No one.

Because it's a fringe for, there will never be a libertarian president. like, parties co-opt libertarian ideals when it's good for them. Like, getting rid of drugs is a libertarian principle. It just is. Like, it cut, yeah. A lot of liberals want to get rid of drugs, too. Yes, absolutely. And the more people for whatever reason, the better.

You know, I took a test, Dick. I took a test to see how, like, what my political affiliation is. And whether or not I'm a libertarian, because I thought, well, I want to go check it out. This was the, during the last election. Because you were really canvassing for the libertarian. Who was the guy? Because, Gary Johnson, because if they get over 1%, they get money. Right.

And it would be good to have more parties working the system. I can't disagree with that. That's a totally reasonable thing. So I looked at the libertarian website, and I took a test and it's like, how libertarian are you? Are you a libertarian? Whatever the test was. Is you a libertarian? Is you a libertarian?

And it said that you isn't. No, it said I'm 67% libertarian. There you go. And I thought, well, that's pretty good. Maybe this is my party because I'm normally independent or other. I don't, un-affiliated. Yeah. I only voted for green one time because of Nader, because I like Nader.

But, I know, the Green Party's crazy. But anyway, I'm 67% libertarian, so I started looking through the principles. I'm like, well, what do I disagree with here? And everything, like, foreign wars, great. Libertarians don't want to involve, don't want, you know, they want to reduce government military. Great, I'm on board. All right. Lower taxes.

Cool, that sounds cool. Who wants to pay taxes? Nobody. That's not popular. And then I went down the list. And then all of a sudden it got real goofy. when it came to health care. Why?

Oh, because they want the deregulated open market, which is exactly what we had. Well, a more open market. Oh, sorry, go ahead. Yeah, it's exactly what we had before Obamacare, which conservatives and libertarian- It was not deregulated. Well, it was more open than it is now.

It was way more open than it is now. Yeah, but there's still huge subsidies, there's still huge incentives to fuck it up. Like making employers cover your health care shackles you to your fucking job. It's absolutely terrible. It's horrible. It's horrible.

A libertarian thing is to end that. Is it worse or better now? Worse. It's worse. Way fucking worse. Okay. So it was better back when people could get turned away for health care. And, you know, this is a whole other argument.

But anyway, man, that's my problem. Libertarian agenda, excuse me, libertarian theory and homeowners associations. No, it's not. And that's not homeowners associations, too. No fucking way, because I'm bringing, I hate homeowners associations way more than you. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know, man.

I hate, have you ever lived under one? I own a house. That's getting raped every month by these fucking HOA people. You own a house under a homeowners association. Yeah, that has a homeowners association they get nailed with. Okay. And, you know, can't stop it. No.

But they're not a small government. Well, you're calling small a number of people. You understand that when libertarians say small, for pedantic fucks like you, they should say less intrusive government. Less intrusive. Like Utah. Like Utah. One of the ten free of states. Utah's very intrusive dunes.

ass. That's the whole list you just went through. Why is it on the top ten free- Truth? I don't know. I don't know what site you got this off of. They probably their little scale probably just includes taxation. I don't fucking know. I looked at, they had multiple different metrics that they were looking at.

One is financial, one is personal freedoms, one is victimless crime things, and one is like, all these little freedoms. That sounds retarded. No, no, these are different and they rate the states differently. Overall, I looked at the overall, but Utah. Because you need it to ease be easily digested to make fun of it.

But if you actually go into the study, it probably has a lot of interesting commentary on whatever those stupid things you were talking about. Well, and each of those points doesn't necessarily carry the same weight. No. They may be alienating people because of their incredibly conservative morality

and wanting to legislate morality and what you can do with the booze. Which they did, they did, Sean. And when I looked at just the morality issues, Utah ranked like number 27 or something like that. It was way lower. But overall, everything calculated into this libertarian, score Utah's number 10 on the list

and it's one of the worst shitholes I've ever lived in. Fuck Utah and fuck libertarians fuck their bullshit and every single one of these states. You're just picking a random website and having a problem with a list. It's a libertarian think tank. It's one of the biggest libertarian think tanks. Who else is there? Who else is your advocate? You can't nail you fuckers down. Every time I point something else. I know.

Our think tank is 4chan. Fuck you. Those are our best and brightest minds. Pedophiles. That's it. Oh, God. Yeah. There you go. All right. Wait, did you do a problem? No, what's your problem? Jesus Christ.

Burning popcorn. Get the fuck out of here. What's your problem? That's my problem. Maddox, there's not enough time. I was going to bring in breast cancer, but I don't have time to do breast cancer. Look, and I started the clock late. We're way, we're way late.

Okay. It's fine. Burning popcorn. Look, listen, listen, listen. As Joseph Zavalia points out, first of all, first of all, the fucking popcorn button on the microwave doesn't work. It doesn't work. No, it doesn't work. No, it doesn't work.

No, it doesn't work. Libertarians are not building that button because it never fucking works. Needs to be regulated. Yeah, dial it down. Dial it down. Just like government, dial it down. Somebody should come into your house and watch the microwave

and listen for it to pop. Yeah, yeah. Look, way too long. Oh, you just get a big ball of burnt up black popcorn. Yeah. And the stench of burnt popcorn stays in your house for days as a reminder of your failure

to make the popcorn. Yeah, right? Yeah. It's awful. I have a story related to it, but I want to hear the rest of your... No, please. What is the story? What is the story related to it? No, go on. I want to hear your more burnt popcorn. Just go! What's the story related to that? I have this friend who I've known for about 26, 27 years, and everything he does, he's one of my best friends. I was his best man at his wedding. Everything he does annoys me.

And one night, he was over at my apartment. And he always brings over his fucking microwave popcorn. I don't know why. He's like, hey, can I bring popcorn? I'm like, yeah, whatever, dude. Just fucking, just fuck off with it, man. They all have exactly the same voice. By the way, Sean, this is the originator of that voice. I invented that voice for this friend.

Oh, what is his, no, don't give me his name, but like, what's the characteristic? He's from Utah, you've met him. I know, you got to refer to him as something so we can, like, refer to him as a character in the show. Let's call him Charles. Charles, my friend from Utah, Charles. He's like Bill Nye. Like, he's like Bill Nye's deadby, brother. He's like a deadbeat Bill Nye

He looks like Yeah, yeah He's a great guy He's a real good dude He's a musical guy But he's like really arrogant And also like Not the sharpest tool in the shit

And so he brings over his fucking popcorn And he always uses the popcorn button And we told him No Do you know anyone like that? Who what? Really arrogant And not the sharpest tool in the shed

Who? Yeah You asshole Oh okay I thought I thought you You know what I gave you too much credit

Sean by asking who. I gave you too much credit. I thought that was going to be clever. It was just the dopey. Like, uh-huh. All right. Anyway, speaking of dopey, my friend Charles comes over. And I was there with four of my friends. We're all sitting there, ready to watch a movie. And we all four of us told him, like, Charles, make sure not to use the popcorn button

because it doesn't work. And he goes, okay, he goes into the kitchen. He used the popcorn button. And he comes out, and during the movie, he's just sitting there like, digging the bottom of the bag and just digging and scrounging and digging and scrounding we're like dude what the fuck are you doing with all that noise over there what are you doing it goes oh my popcorn's burnt we used a popcorn button he goes yeah we told you not to shithead never works he goes oh i thought it worked we're like no we specifically told you not to use the popcorn button you have to listen for the popping frequency yes yeah absolutely so my oh i'm not i'm not going yeah so so he so he uh he then got up in the to throw the popcorn away And he's gone for like 15 minutes.

And none of us notice because we're like, thank God he's gone. We can watch the movie now. But he's in the kitchen and I hear like water running and then like the food disposal. And I get up, it's like midnight and I'm in a big apartment complex. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing running a food disposal at midnight? And he's, he, and I walk into the kitchen and his fist is punching popcorn down the fucking drain. Like greasy popcorn that I spent a week trying to clean that butter out of my sink. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Why wouldn't you just throw it away? It's dry, it doesn't rot, just throw it in the fucking garbage, it does nothing. Anyway, man. What was your answer? Popcorn bun. Oh, that's what I do, huh? I'm like, yeah, yeah, well, think ahead. It's next time.

Anyway, popcorn button, ruins fun. What do you got it? There was an app one time that was supposed to listen to see when the popcorn would be done. Really? Yeah, my life coach was real excited, and he brought it over. He's like, wait, I know you like popcorn, so get ready for this app that I got. Like, it listens, it's the perfect pop. You put it next to your microwave.

I'm like, I already know what the time is on the microwave. I don't, this is a stupid app for stupid people. Yeah. Like, I don't need that. He's like, no, no, let's just try it out. Okay. I'm like, all right, that's the time. I could hear the pops.

They're bad. A little app. It's just chugging away. I'm like, I'm going to go stop. He's like, no, no, no, this is going to pop all the remaining kernels. Like, you don't understand about this science works that I'm bringing to you. I'm like, all right. It's where that I got more popcorn.

I'm just going to let this one get burned to shit just to prove you in this stupid app wrong. It's so spiteful. And what happened? You got torched. All the popcorn is ruined. The problem is those abs, the frequency, you have to stop it before it's at its peak frequency. Exactly. Yeah, when you hear it stop popping, it's too late.

You're fucked up. Yeah, you can't let it go more than like two to three seconds in between pops. I even go sooner than that. Yeah, if you don't hear anything, you're fucked. That used to work, but I think they've changed the chemicals in microwave popcorn so that it's not aggressive enough now. No, that could be. It's been a long time since then. It burns pockets of them now.

You gotta go one to two. Yeah, why, guys, I don't even know in a microwave anymore. I haven't had one for like five years. I don't use microwaves for anything. I eat cold food if I need to, and I have a stove. Why is it, like, have you ever made stove top popcorn? So, this girl, this girl was coming over making me dinner. Yeah.

She left a bunch of her stuff over. Didn't talk to her again. She left a bunch of her, like, cooking stuff over that I found later. One was a jar of coconut oil, and one was a jar of, of kernels. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, and I just tried it out. But I've never

microwave popcorn again. Yeah, it's so good. It's so good. It tastes way better. And it never fucks up because they just stop. And it's not full of that weird chemical that gives you like fucking cancer

cancer beta or whatever that fucking weird cancer you get. The carcinogen they have and the popcorn butter smell that they add. They just found it's like this really terrible carcinogen for you. Yeah, it's really awful. And it tastes better. It's fresher.

And you don't. burn the whole fucking thing. Yeah. Popcorn over the stove is easy, guys. Do it over the stove. Burn popcorn, that's my problem. There you go. I think...

So, either you hate, either you like... If you like popcorn that's not been burnt, and you like liberty, you guys know what to do. All right? If you like drinking and drugs and

prostitution, libertarians want prostitutes. Libertarian want prostitutes. If you like fireworks, if you like minding your own business and not the government fucking with you, vote down. Maddox's fucking libertarian agenda.

I do not want to see that thing in the positives. Fuck you. Yeah. Libertarian theory. There's no such thing as libertarian. It's only libertarian theory. Yeah, it's never going to exist. No.

You can't nail them down. No one will stand up and say this is what we stand for. You need government to regulate. certain things. They know that! They know that! God damn it! They know that! They want to enforce the Constitution as it's fucking written, you're pieces of shit! They know that the government

should exist! Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, buddy. God damn it! God damn it! You're knocking shit over, asshole! Ah! There it is. It was all bottled up.

What? That's it. That's it. I'm done. Okay. So you could say that the biggest, The biggest government expansion happened during Bush, the TSA. It happened after World War II. Okay, recent times, recent times happened during Bush. In the last 20 years, happened during Bush. Like the Patriot Act?

Yeah, the Patriot Act and TSA. That's awful. Libertarians disagree with that. Absolutely. But if the TSA and, see, here's the thing, man, I can't get you. That's a pretty simple answer. Patriot Act yes or no. No.

I can't get you to, I can't pin you down to tell me what amount of intrusion is okay. Into your life? Yeah. None. Zero intrusion. Oh, wait. But that doesn't sound like government, dude. Government has to intrude a little bit.

No, they don't have to intrude. They can provide services that I can elect to use. They got a road. Fine. Use the road. Pay a tax. Call the gas tax. You think libraries are a bad, bad move.

National currency. I mean, I think, I think. You're a standard national currency, right? Provide a currency for everybody to use, so I'm not out there carrying fucking sheep and frankincense and mur around trying to see a movie with the half... Hey, buddy, you want to kiss my sheep to let me see your fucking movie?

Some kind of weird bartering system like that? That doesn't work. Make a fucking currency. You need a government for that. Yeah, you're not as loony as most of my libertarian friends. Do you believe that we should go back to the gold standard just like use gold for everything? I don't even...

I actually don't know what that means. Like, I don't know what... I get what it means. This is going to go on. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know that much about that. Yeah. Every one of my goofy libertarian friends wants to just go back to gold. I'm like, well, and I ask them a very simple question. I'm like, well, how do you trade stocks then? How do you trade stocks on the stock market? What do you mean how do you trade stocks in the stock market? What are you going to take a pile of gold to Wall Street? No, you have a stock.

Oh. A stock is a representative ownership of the company. Yeah, they don't want that. They want gold. Your friends are insane though Like I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people Who go to coloring book parties And date multiple guys Like hey I've got six boyfriends And I'm at a party with a bunch of other fuck-faced weirdos

Who also have a bunch of fucking boyfriends and girlfriends Look at us, it's the end of days Everybody's fucking and we're all ugly And we're all libertarians And that's what you get That's what you think of as a libertarian But it's not They're very smart people

Smarter than fucking you who are libertarians. Who just want less intrusion in their fucking lives. They just want to have fuck parties. Big orgies. They can fucking be on. No, they don't. They just want to be left alone.

Well, that's what they do. They turn into fuck parties. Libertarians? Yeah, big old fuck parties. No, they turn into cool guys with cabins in the woods who are totally self-sufficient and don't need a bunch of bullshit. Yeah, it sounds like a sort of a horror movie. They don't need to be fighting wars around the globe on their fucking.

Their fucking dime. Yeah, and what happens if you're autistic? If you're autistic? If you're autistic? What do you mean if? You tell me. Oh, good one, Sean. Real fucking funny, shithead.

My problem this week is stupid. It's libertarian theory and homeowners association. No, no, you can't do. Don't do homeowners associations. Okay, fine. Libertarian theory. Mine's burnt popcorn. There's only one way to get out of the friend zone.

And you've got to be coolest shit. And you can't. You can't, like, if you want to bang a girl you're friends with, you just got to like, like, you just got to be like, yo, I like you. And then just, like, if this ain't happening, I'm out. And don't ever talk to her again. And they'll go crazy and chase you. And next thing you know, you're slamming that.

Punching out, guys. More good advice on getting out of the friends. I thought he was asking for advice at the start of that call. Then he gave really shitty advice. Don't talk to chicks that you want to bang. Good. Oh, here you go. I really like this guy.

Weird Matthew McConaughey. He calls in, he always calls in like six times in a row. Okay. So here's the one I like. Let's hear the saga. Hey, guys, I got a poem for you. If your finger's not in their butt, then you don't know what the fuck you are doing.

That's a IQ. Is it a hykut? I don't think so. If your fingers not in her butt, okay, so already not an IQ, then you don't know what the fuck you are doing. So it's a classic 857. A classic 857. Oh, God, fuck you. I'm so happy.

Vote Ron Paul. He's done Ha!