The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 76

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the most intrusivist problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from big government to intrusive government. What are we discussed? Strawman to shitty analogies. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decided what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm sorry, the intrusive list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? I had to Sean our audio engineer.

Hello. Oh, welcome back to him. How you doing, Maddox? Ah. What? How you doing? I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

I also, you know what, fuck you. No. What? Fuck me what? I'll stop it. I'll stop it. We have with us a very special guest. Back with us in the studio is Roger Barr.

He was on last year for Halloween. Welcome back, Roger. It's been about a year. Yeah, yeah. I think we were talking about Halloween stuff last time. Yeah, I think so. This is our big Halloween episode. It's a tradition, you guys.

There you go. Roger comes out and talks about Halloween, his favorite season of the year. Yeah, it's the only time of the year. I actually emerge. So I just dig my way out. of the grave. And Roger, Roger is like the foremost authority

on Halloween on the internet. If you search anything Halloween related, by the way, Roger, like two or three times a month, someone will send me a link to your website, not knowing that we're friends,

and they're like, hey, check this out. I'm like, yeah, it's my buddy Roger. He's, he's the guy. If you search for anything related to, like, horror movies,

your site's probably going to be the first that comes up. One of my favorite articles that's ever written. What is your site? i'mockery.com. That's i-dashmockery. I-h-mockery.

Yep. Yeah, we'll link to it on the website. One of my favorite things you've ever done is your favorite kills of Jason Voorhees. Oh, yeah, yeah, that one spread around quite a bit. I did Jason's 10 best kills, Michael Myers' 10 best kills, and Freddie's best kills. I got to do Pinhead or Lepircon or something, something. Oh, man, pinhead is great. So Roger's been, like, raving about Hellraiser for years, and I finally saw Hellraiser, and that movie is so good.

It's so underrated. I mean, it's famous and everything, but still, it's really good. It's really spooky. It's really creepy. Really well done. Good story. If you like Hellraiser, you should check out Candyman as well. That's another classic that just does not get enough attention. I've heard and I've seen clips, but I just don't like the guy who stars in it. Tony Todd?

Wait, which one is the thing? The guy who barfs out the bees and stuff. Tony Todd, yeah. I mean, he's more well-known these days for like the Final Destination movies and all, but no, he's great. Yeah, well, speaking of great. I don't like horror movies. Yeah, you don't. Why don't you like horror movies, dick?

No, I don't like being scared. I don't know why you would enjoy being scared That's a silly thing to me Thank you Buzz Kill McDougal Yeah Buzz Kill McDougal Speaking of Do you need a hug? Do I need a hug?

Yeah, you got destroyed in the comments last week All right Biggest problem from last week was burnt popcorn Oh yeah That's not the whole story though Roger, people I don't know, they got a sudden lapse of judgment And they just voted up burnt popcorn

When the other problems that I brought in Let's hear them. Okay? Well, you think burnt popcorn is a big problem, right? Not as bad as whatever is in this bowl right here. That's kind of nasty. Yeah, you know what, Roger? You're not the last person to talk about food.

I swear to God, Roger. Not during Halloween season. All right, that's true. You got a big bucket of candy in front of you eat that. Which you brought me. Why is that? Why is he the last person to talk about food? Oh, this will be a whole fucking episode.

We've got to bring in a... Go. You've got to bring in Roger about his whole fucked-up weird. Like what? Let's dedicate an episode of that. I will gladly talk to you about that. It's better than what we've been dedicating episodes too in the last couple weeks. Yeah, Roger's weird food thing.

He doesn't eat anything. All right, guys. All I remember is last time I was on, you couldn't barely even talk because we got you to eat some of your hot sauce and all. I was talking just fine. Yeah, I was talking like this whole talk. Fuck you, Roger. You know, I'm tired. John, delete Roger's track.

We don't need this. We'll just improvise. Speaking of things. It should be deleted. Yeah, so Roger, burnt popcorn came in, because our listeners had the last judgment. Compared to, this was my problem last week, libertarian theory, which got trounced in the vote, and then followed by my second problem, which was related, the concept of homeowners associations as a perfect representation of a libertarian government, which Dick insists it's not, so vote it down.

I fell asleep halfway through that description. That was so long. Well, people must have fallen asleep on the down vote button. It is way down, like dropping a diamond off the Titanic down. Oh, I wouldn't know about that. What's the score on it? So let me ask you something, Roger, before we're going to do this. What, in one in a tweet, what do you think a libertarian is?

Like, if you had to describe the very basics of, like, libertarian theory, what might you say that it is? I would say I don't give a shit. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But do you hate them? Are you annoyed by them?

No, I don't hate anyone. I don't care about that. Okay. Yeah, whatever. Roger, you passive as fuck. Okay, here's the... Thanks for playing along. I don't...

Great job. I don't care about politics. I'm mockery.com. I don't care about politics. There you go. There you go. Roger, smart answer. That's a smart answer.

I just don't care about politics. Well, you know who does, Roger? Apparently, every fucking listener did this show show dance. Okay, well... Let me play this voicemail for you. Okay, then I got some comments. These people agree with Roger. No one gives a fucking shit about your political views.

Shut your goddamn mouth! Oh. Oh my fucking God Shut the fuck up I think it's a different guy I don't know A lot of people are shouting

Maddox Suck a dick Suck all the dicks in the world God damn This is Maddoch All my fans are idiots They don't even know What a libertarianism is

I totally brought in the best examples that totally weren't the complete fucking opposite of libertarianism like housing associations and

it's dick shit okay you know what a you know what a homeowner's association is right? Okay great yeah

I'm not a homeowner so I don't I don't care about that either really but I could see how like if you're a homeowner that kind of stuff could piss someone off

because they're intrusive right right right yeah they're big They're big. Homeowners are big government. That's what homeowners are, Roger, but they're big. Look, I would think...

Will you stop with the absolute numbers? I would think if you're presenting a problem, you want something that most people can relate to that you can upvote. So, there you go. Popcorn wins, clearly. That was a protest vote. I don't want any shit.

I won without even using any cat memes. That's pretty good. You mentioned a cat meme like several episodes. You brought a, cute as a solution, fuckface. In the Solutions episode, you brought in cuteness. I got a comment from Jordan Scott Ling. He says, since

you guys are having Roger Barr on again, you can't forget to mention this time that he does, did that Doc Mock's movie mausoleum show. Oh, thank you. Says I remember Maddox was a guest on there. Plus, I didn't find out till re-watching that someone called Dick Masterson did some music for it too. Yeah. That's right. Dick

and I did the song together. We had a great time Rionette, and Sean recorded us. And for those who don't know, Doc Mock's movie mausoleum was you and your mausoleum, a professor, I'm sorry, it's Doc Mock. I earned my doctorate Maddox, let's call you, he goes by a property name.

Yeah, I am a professor, and you're a doctor. I'm a doctor, absolutely. There's you go. I have a PhD's nuts. And swag. Yeah. Doc Mock's movie mausoleum was basically a show where we'd bring in

comedians and other funny people, and we'd just watch a bunch of B movies together and improvise. and talk about them. It's so funny. Here's a comedian from the comments. Chandler Spruelli, Maddox makes me wish the Armenian genocide actually happened.

You know what? That's this fucking hate speech. That's just straight up fucking hate speech. Fuck that guy. What an ass problem? I don't give a shit. You know what? Fuck that guy.

Oh, that's the guy who's defending your political theory, dick face. Ray Woods. Jesus, I think this episode gave me cerebral palsy. Oh, yeah. Gave him.

I'm sure you didn't have it before defending your shit argument. Cameron Clark, rest in peace Maddox murdered on his own podcast. How tragic. I got one from Matt Byrd. He says, normally Maddox is the voice of logic and reason, but Dick, you need to stand up and punch Maddox in the back of the fucking head over his libertarian theory argument. Jonathan Sina, though, Jonathan Sina. The wrestler? Yeah, the wrestler, big fan of the show.

He says, in before libertarians try to defend their completely theoretical ideology with absolutely no real world examples. Who knew that less than one percent? Who cares? Who knew that less than one percent of the population? based on the last election comprised most of the show's bandbys. You guys won anything while he's... It's a philosophy. It's a philosophy. No, no, no, no, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, let me explain it to you so you don't go around giving people cerebral palsy all the time, spouting this stuff.

It's a, you've got left and right, right? Political ideas on the left, it's, uh, tends towards socialism on the very left, on the right? Tends towards conservatism, right? But then imagine it, imagine it as a, as a grid, as a two-dimensional grid. I've seen it. At the top, yeah, you know what I'm talking about. The top, you got libertarian, at the bottom, you got authoritarian. You can be all over that grid.

But if you do stuff like enact a wage law, right? Let's make sure women all get paid the same. Let's make it a law. That's more authoritarian than it is libertarian. That's all it is. It's very simple. More libertarian is give people the right to do business themselves. Don't do that.

That's how you got voted down. You got flamed, condescending shit. That was a punitive vote that happened. Oh, I know. It was a protest vote for burnt pop. I got a comment here, though. I think one person kind of got it, because I'll tell you why.

Kind of got what? I'll tell you, he kind of got what my... Let me read this. Is Michael Ben Hurry? He says, you fucking idiots are so dumb with your comments at Maddox about libertarian theory. He is purposefully provoking you dimwits because your bullshit is well known.

Let me read this. Do not double down on dumb. Hold on, Sean. Your bullshit is well known to be the height of ignorant lunacy. Same with the idiot smash brother players and vegans. He doesn't have to make a good argument when you

her fothing neck beers will make the point for him. You know what, guys, after that... That episode, I brought in libertarian theory, and I was kind of like goofing off and fucking around, because I didn't think anyone took it seriously. Like, and then I was so, I was, I was, I was, uh, blown away at the amount of people who seriously believe that libertarian theory is a thing. You're totally trying to make it seem like you were not taking that seriously when you very much were.

I believe none of this. Yeah. Okay. Well, I've never seen you not take anything. Yeah. You take apples seriously. That's because I know my shit about apples. There we go.

I'm right there. Yeah, of course. I take something serious. But no, Libertarian theory. What's the best kind of apple? What's the best kind of apple? I don't. My favorite is Rome.

It's not the best in terms of nutrition. Wrong. It's apple cider. Yeah, he's trying to say that red delicious apples are not mealy as fuck. They're not. When we know that they're mealy as fuck. No, that's just, eh. Anyway, so I, you know what?

If you guys, here's what I want to say. There's, like, I'm going to come in. I want to say. what my actual problem with libertarian theory is. And it just, it just, it boils down to these two things. I mean, it's kind of, it's kind of big, but this, if you guys want a serious argument, here, here you go. This was a Halloween episode, right?

Yeah, because you've been thinking about it for a week. Yeah. So now you got, now you see where you fucked up. Yeah, we have to follow up to this. Well, first of all, first thing everyone says when they're talking about pyramid schemes is, it's not a pyramid scheme. And the first thing everyone says when they're talking about libertarianism is, it's not anarchy.

But here's, here's, dude. So are all Democrats socialists? Are our liberal socialist? Libertarians are not anarchists. I don't know. They tend towards socialism on the extreme. The difference is when my liberal friends are tending towards socialism, they're open about it. And when my liberal friends are moderate, they're open about it. But you still have a fundamental misunderstanding between an anarchist and a libertarian or libertarian philosophy.

Well, I'll tell you why I believe that, Sean. Let smirks are not libertarians because they're small. I'll tell you, I'll tell you why I believe that, Sean. It's because I've never met any moderate libertarian who I can pin down with. with a stance on anything. And so I went to LP.org, and I was like, I did more research afterwards, and I thought, you know, wow,

everyone's kind of piling on. Maybe I got something wrong. So I clicked on the link, I clicked on the link that said libertarian solutions. Yeah. And it said, here's a bunch of libertarian solutions and the page was empty. Maddox, that page is full of videos.

There's like 20 video. Yeah, but you can't use Dropbox or self-checkout lanes. You can't use fucking computers. Go to that page on any computer that's not your Frankenstein piece of shit that took you two months to build. It's full of videos. Granted, great videos. Like the production quality

kind of sucks, but it is very much full of libertarian solution. What I love is whenever I'm asking you what you've been up to and stuff, you're like, oh man, I've been so busy, I'm working and stuff. This is actually the stuff you're doing. This is what you're doing with your time. Trying to escape this 500 person gang rape that he suffered in the comments last week. Hello, Roger. My name's Maddox. This is what I do.

So here's my actual problem with libertarianism, okay? It's just two things. Kill me. The website, this is directly from L.P.org. No, don't read it. I have to. They say, we reckon, because I think everyone will agree with me. And if you don't, that's it.

I'll never mention libertarianism again. Except for next week when nobody agrees with you again. 600 people shit on you again. How many subscribers do you lose every time? We probably gain them. People like they're turning it off right now. Hate listeners? Good, I don't give a shit.

Listen to this. So this is straight from the website, LP.org. It says, we recognize the freedom of individuals to determine the level of health care they want, the care providers they want, the medicines, they will use and all other aspects of their medical care.

Oh, interesting, because that philosophy, that shitty philosophy leads to anti-vaxers, Dick. The number one problem on our website. The biggest problem in the universe right now is anti-vaxers, and that shitty philosophy, every individual can decide the health care they want for themselves. That's what leads to anti-vaxers. But you're painting libertarians in black and white. You're not thinking that there's degrees like there are in conservatives and liberals. This is one platform.

Show me a moderate. Show me one fucking moderate libertarians. It's a philosophy. It's in everyone who's a politician. Remember the grid. Everybody from left to right has libertarian tendencies and authoritarian tendencies. You can be on either side, but you have parts of that philosophy. There is no fence. There's no fence and there's no box.

I don't believe it. And that you don't like because it's not convenient to put it in a little compartment. It's because I can't find one fucking slippery, slippery weasel and libertarian to take a more libertarian than the rest of the Republicans. There you go. He's moderate. I just want one libertarian to take a stance that I can pin them down on. Do you think that people should get vaccinated? Do you think that as a government program? Okay, great. Thank God. Finally, fucking after two episodes. I don't speak for all, I'm not the Jesus. I'm not the Neil deGrasse Tyson of libertarians. I'm just saying I think people should get vaccinated. Okay. Here's number two. This is the second problem I have with it. Recognizing that

education, this is from the website, recognizing that education of children is a parental responsibility. Yeah. We would restore authority to parents to determine the education of their children without interference from government. Yeah. The problem with that is libertarianism doesn't afford you more freedoms. It affords you less because I don't believe any meaningful democracy can exist without an educated populace. If you're unaware of your rights or the consequences of your decision, what bills are being proposed, the impact they'll have on you, your family, your business, our national security,

you're not truly free because you can't fully exercise your rights if you don't even know what they are. That's the reason that we have Miranda rights. Is that you reading that or are you reading it from the site? This is me. This is my own writing. Okay. If you're not even educated enough to take part in the political conversation in this country, then your rights are irrelevant. It's like giving monkeys the right to own property and vote. They're too stupid to use it.

That's why I have a problem with libertarianism because they don't have it. They don't support national education. They don't support it. It's like, hey, everyone for themselves. And you know what? They say that parents should fund their education for their children. But the problem with that is if you have shitty parents, if you have a shitty family, which you guys don't, you guys have the luxury of not having.

But if you do, they're not going to fund shit for you. So if you are uneducated... Now we found your problem with libertarians. Well, yeah, I told you. Like, this is the whole thing. No, it's not just parents. It's like this whole individual should be responsible for themselves. Well, some people have a huge leg up if they have a good family network to fall back on.

But if you don't, then you're fucked and you're going to be, you're going to have a legacy of being fucked if someone doesn't help you out. Like, there has to be a good social fabric of you well. Welcome to being a moderate libertarian. You don't have to buy. We all know that. You don't have to buy everything hook, line, and sinker. Like, life isn't that rigid.

Why does it say this, Sean? Why does it say this on this website? Because that's their philosophy. It's a shitty philosophy. It's not a shitty philosophy. I don't want to get into this because it's Roger's episode. I don't even know what the problem with librarians is. I mean, they have enough these days.

I mean, the Internet kind of like puts them off to the side. So let's stop talking about librarians and let's start talking about Halloween. Okay. Great. Well, before we move on, though, I have a song. This is sent in from Thermoptic. think you like it. There's no such thing as libertarian. It's only libertarian

divot. Yeah, it's never going to exist. No. What is this new age? No one will stand up and say this is what we stand for. You need government to regulate certain things. Of course. Grady took the two anti-ones. Everyone knows.

They know that. They know that. They know that. They know that. They want to enforce the Constitution as it's fucking written. You pieces of shit. They know that the government should have served God damn it I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people who... Cool.

I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people who... You go to coloring book parties And date multiple guys Like, hey, I've got six boyfriends and I'm at a party with a bunch of Butterf face weirdos. You also have a bunch of fucking boyfriends and girlfriends Look at us. It's the end of days.

Everybody's fucking and we're all ugly And we're all libertarians. And that's what you get. That's what you think of is a libertarian. But it's not. They're very smart people. Smarter than fucking you. What's a libertarian?

who just want less intrusion in their fucking life. Oh my God. They're just waiting out alone. Ow! You're autistic. Anyway, all right. I have a lot of funny voicemails that we don't get to hear now. Let's hear one.

Good. I enjoy these shitties shitting on me. Let's hear it. Great. I don't think so. No, I love it. Hey, guys. Kyle from Ohio here.

I just finished listening to that last episode you had about the libertarian jerkoffs or whatever. Yeah. The more Maddox tried to prosecute Dick, the more I ended up agreeing with Dick. I ended up looking into libertarianism. Oh, yeah. Pretty, pretty sound stuff. Pretty sound stuff, huh? Sounded like Maddox was just grandstanding.

Everything that he accused him of, Dick very easily argued back. Uh, Maddox, man. kind of let me down. Yeah. Don't go fuck yourself. I played the wrong one. Well, enjoy not getting vaccinated and spreading measles. They don't believe in that.

Like, your argument is so weak. You're saying libertarians don't believe in vaccinations. No. Are you serious? They believe that they should, look, I don't want anyone, anyone to think that they have the right to choose any medical procedure they want for themselves. Because it endangered society. Any medical procedure? No.

Absolutely not. Any medical procedure? No. We're talking about, like, anything. You don't want anybody to decide any medical procedure about themselves? No, I don't want anything to be an option. No. Absolutely not.

What if you believe that you should inject yourself with bubonic plague? You're just talking about. Audience, you know what to do. Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. Audience, I'm looking forward to next week when I come on as the guest for the Halloween. Do you want to do your problem first? No, actually. I don't want to talk more.

Dude, just talk about something else. Here, let's open our Halloween fortune cookies. No, no, no, let's do a problem. Let's open those at the end. Let's not reward ourselves for doing such a shitty job so far. No, maybe those cookies will... Yeah, I brought in this Halloween fortune cookies. Roger brought some black Halloween fortune cookies.

Here's my problem this week. Libertarian boogey... I'm kidding. It's haunted shit. Like, not... I'm not talking about actual haunted shit because that doesn't exist. I'm talking about haunted houses, haunted hayrides, haunted boats. Haunted...

Haunts. Yeah. Fuck Hans. Why? They're all a big rip. I don't like shitting on fun things that people do. Okay. But these stupid things are all a huge scam and I hate them.

All right. I need, because I love Hans, so I need to hear why you hate them so much. Yeah. They're a huge rip-off. You're paying $30 to take a stupid... I'm not scared at any of these. That's part of the point. Why, I'm paying $30 to go sit on a stupid hayride

and look at a bunch of assholes dressed up in rubber masks. who I know can't touch me. Like, that's not scary. I know these are just a bunch of jerks who would rather be doing anything than making $12.50 an hour pretending to scare. I know people who work at the Hans,

and they love it. They've been doing it for decades, some of these people. They absolutely love it. The people at Notts Scary Farm, people over at Universal Studios Hollywood, all that stuff. What do they get out of it?

What the hell does anybody get out of it that I don't? It's funny of seeing someone scared shitless. You know they remember every person they scared into pissing themselves, and they probably love it. I know I would. You perform in the tournament of nerds sometimes.

You dress up in costume and all that. It's the same kind of thing. It's a lot of fun. You're getting into character and you're doing that stuff and you just said yourself it's fun. It's too fucking expensive. That's part of my problem with it as well. All right.

Well, look, see, that's another part that you're wrong on though because there's a lot of haunts that are free or dirt cheap. I went to one called Ward 13 in Pasadena the other week. It's basically you're going through this thing for a good like 20 to 30 minutes and it costs 10 bucks. You're crammed in there with a bunch of B-O. You're crammed into a weird human-sized mouth. Yeah, it stinks.

It stinks. It stinks. It does stink. If you're going to the wrong one, sure. There are some that they intentionally add sense to it. Like, I remember they had a Texas chainsaw messager one. They managed to pipe that in. They had a Texas chainsaw massacre one that smelled like rotten beef, and it was actually pretty effective. So, yeah.

It also, how did they figure that out? How did they figure it out to get a rotting beef smell into it? The one thing I don't like about any kind of like chainsaw-themed ones is when they're running the chainsaw in doors, in closed quarters without ventilation. They're not allowed to do that anymore. At least at all the major haunts, like you notice they're always running outside like universal. So many fucking rules and they say this is why we need libertarians. Oh, no. Don't be able to deterred. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. If you sign a lover. There's like three people still listening. Let's keep them.

Yeah. Look, it's just so safe. I never get scared. I don't get that. And I want it. You can. So that's the problem with these things for me. You're probably one of the people who would actually want to go to one of these new extreme haunts, where they actually, like, you know, pretend to kidnap you and, like, grab your body and all kinds of stuff. You know what?

That's the stuff that I think, it's taking it too far. It's taking the fun out of it. You know what those are? I looked into those. Yeah. It's just cramming you in a box. Like, that's all those, all those things are, those extreme haunted houses, we're like, oh, my God, people are coming out and crying and, like, going in an ambulance. to a hospital and they have to like...

They're not just putting you in a box. I mean, there's ones where they'll put actual, like, actual, like, roaches on you. There's all kinds of random stuff. Oh, bugs, oh, no. I'm in an uncomfortable box, and I have a bug on me. You can't, they can't endanger you. No, I don't give a fuck about bugs?

You don't give a fuck about bugs? No. Are you... I eat meal worms. I don't have roaches crawl all over me. Are you actually scared by haunts at all? No. For real. For real. Like, you don't... Do you watch horror movies ever?

I'm terrified of horror movies. Oh, all right. So maybe it's like kind of, it's kind of like channeling over into these haunts. Like you don't like horror movies, so you're not liking haunts because you're scared about it. Yeah, but no, no, no, no, because I, my friend, go ahead. No, I'm sorry, you were talking. My friend Tim Chang, who I think we've mentioned on the podcast before. Great guy, really funny guy.

I did think we have, because he was a wingman for you on one episode. That's why I remember we. Directly, yeah, I didn't mention his name yet. So Tim calls me up last year and says, hey, I got these tickets to a haunted horror camp out. Oh yeah, yeah, it's like a Friday 13th style one, yeah, you can get a tent and all that. I almost went to that, yeah. Okay, so his friends bailed out and he said these are like $120 tickets. Of course, they all are because they're all way too fucking expensive

because they know chicks love going to these things. So I start shelling out, don't, right? Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, I'll take one of your tickets. Like, this sounds great. I pack my bag, throw a big bottle of makers mark in there. I'm like, this is going to be awesome. There's going to be, we're going to be running through the woods.

Were you taking a biplane in in case you run out of fuel for your... Bottle of makers. A bottle of whiskey. I'm bringing a bottle of whiskey. If I'm camping, I'm bringing a fucking bottle of whiskey. I'm not talking about whiskey. I'm talking about makers.

Where were they hosting it? Was that like Griffith Park or something? Yeah. At an abandoned zoo. Oh yeah. The haunted zoo of Griffith Park. I've actually been there. It was going to be like you're isolated.

Because like, it's this big money. 120 bucks. You could do a lot. You get a lot of people 120 bucks. We're all going to be isolated. There's people going to be like breaking into your tent and fucking with you. while nine and it's going to be really scary.

Right. Right. Like this is going to be like maybe someone will have a heart attack on this thing, right? Yeah. Yeah, cool. I go and it is literally a children's camp but full of adults. There's like hundreds of tents in a grid touching each other. The camp counselors, they're dressed and they're

excited to be there. They're nice people. They're great people. But there's nothing scary about it at all. It's your infantilism problem. That's exactly what I was going to say. It's infantilism, and it's going to be related to my problem. But yeah, that is absolutely big. This is big time infantilism. Oh, it pissed me off so much.

I didn't get scared once, except for when the security guard, he took my bag and he set it down, and there was a big old liquidy clunk. And he goes, ooh. And I looked at it, and I was like, fucking Tim Chang's like, dude, you can't bring liquor in here. It says right on the top, no liquor. I'm like, Tim, fuck you. I'm not not trying to bring liquor in anywhere. He said that out loud in earshot at the security guard?

No, no, no, no. He said this further back. Okay. And the guard, so the guard opens up my bag. Yeah. And he moves, and there's just like a sweatshirt wrapped around a brick of liquor. He moves it to the side. And of course, it's the big size because I'm like, well, I'm going to get chicks in my tent. Get him shit face, right?

Yeah. And he looks at the makers and he looks back at me and goes, hmm. And then he zips back up the bag and hands it over to me. That was the most scared I was the whole night. I think the girls would probably be scared of you there. I mean, what you just said. That was so nonchalantly rapy, what you just said. What?

What are you talking about? Oh, gonna get the girls in my tent, get him shit-faced. Girls like liquor. What's wrong with that? Rogers. Roger, here's something. Wait a minute. Roger doesn't drink.

No, no. And Roger's been, you've been married for what? Like 15, 15 years. 15 years. So this is like all alien to Roger. Yeah, no, you've got to get chicks drunk. Well, no, you don't. No, you don't.

You really don't. All right. What were you going to say? But no, let me tell you, The people who put on that hunt, I think they're the ones who put on ghost ship also. Oh, ghost ship was fucking horrible. You want to tell what that was?

Ghost ship, like, I mean, I do tons of haunts everywhere, and I love a lot of them. They're a blast. But ghost ship was basically this haunts where they promoted it, where they're going to take you out on the ocean. This is what it said on the website. Huntinghouse on a boat. Exactly. You're going out on the ocean on a cruise ship,

and you know, you can't see land or anything like that. Right. We get there, the ship is, it's a yacht. It's not decorated at all. We get on the boat. At best. It's like a ferry. Talk about the price, Roger.

The price and the parking price, too. The price was, what? It was like 75 to 100 bucks or something. I never spent like 75 bucks on that. Did you have to pay for your lady friends ticket as well? Oh, yeah, of course. A. C, double it. That's what I'm saying.

These scams, it says 70 bucks, but it's actually 140. Yeah. All right. Well, they take us out on the boat. It doesn't even leave the harbor. So you're not out in the pitch black ocean in the, middle of the night or anything. And the haunt itself lasts maybe 10 minutes and then the rest of the time you're just on a boat with a bunch of people wondering what the hell there is to do.

And they don't return back to the harbor for like another hour and a half. So you're just stuck on this boat having to pay for their overpriced liquor and stuff. That's all they had. From one bar. A boat, if you can imagine it, a boat with one bar. Oh, and they had a magic show. I'm going to go walk to another boat to get a drink. They had a magic show. To be fair, they also had Roger Bar. Hmm? Oh, God. That was bad, but I like it.

You can read about, I actually at the time, I took photos of what was on Go Ship. It's on the website from when we went and all that. I wrote. It was really bad. Yeah, it was,

it was awful. Didn't all of us report them to like the Better Business Bureau and all that? Because they were erasing people's comments on their Facebook page that year because it was so,

so bad. It was awful. It was awful. Be wary. Be wary of this, of this haunted No, not all of them, just some people who don't know how to run them right. There's free ones like Boney Island.

You can just go to these amazing yard haunts. They're totally free. Yeah, I know you like that one. There's also the Backwoods haunt, which is made by professional haunters who have literally set up a maze that's more impressive than most professional, like, Universal Studios haunts. It's the guys who work there. They build it in their backyard all year long. There's documentaries about these guys.

It's amazing what they do. So you are the foremost authority on haunts. I would say, I think in the world probably. You've seen so many. you were like, not so about Halloween. Give us some recommendations. What would you say are the top two haunts

to check out, say, in California and maybe one in the United States. Okay. Let me do one East Coast and one West Coast. I would say West Coast, for like big haunts with tons of different mazes to see. I would probably say Nauts is the better

between Nauts and Universal Studios, Halloween Horror Nights. Horror Nights, I love. They're great, and it's awesome because you can see the real psycho house. and all that, which is a lot of fun on Halloween and all. But Knott's is far more creative,

because they're not working with these major movie properties or anything. They're just making the stuff up. They have a tooth fairy-themed one, which doesn't sound like it would be that creepy or anything like that. But you'll walk through a hall with all these skulls, and their jaws are... And you're just hearing that, like, all through these halls, like echoing in your ears and all kinds of surgeries taking place and everything.

It's really cool. I will second knots. I really like knots. I think it's a lot of fun. You can tell they put a little. lot of love and what they do there. Well, the thing that really sold me on knots were two of the haunts they have. They have probably about 15 or 20 haunts, different smaller haunts at knots, depending on the

year. And one of them was a metal-themed haunt, and it was not scary at all. It was fucking awesome. I was just head-banging all the way through. Not all hans are supposed to be scary either. A lot of them were just supposed to be fun. Like, they had like a Diadalos Muirtos one that was all 3D and crazy when you walk through with the glasses.

They have a bay-themed one this year. The other one I like... A ice-themed one, yeah. Can they have like a strip club-themed one that's actually. a strip club? Universal. Well, I'm being serious. Universal last year.

Dick wants to be scared stiff. That's an Elvira gag. Scared stiff, that's the name of her pinball machine. Oh, fucking. Yeah, man. I know too much. Of course Roger knows that. Don't raise your hand if you've jerked out.

Elvira. Speaking of Elvira, she is performing it not still to this day. Like last year she came back and I saw her again this year. Well, guys, I got to go. Yep. And what a babe, too? She's like, what? like pushing like 80 or something.

She's like super hot. She's not that old, but. Is she super hot? She's still a babe, yeah. I saw a recent picture of her. She's still a babe. Yeah. Cool.

Still funny as ever at all. And so what's the East Coast haunt? The East Coast haunt would have to be headless horsemen. There's, well, first off, I'll say there's a honk called Sleep No More in New York City. I heard about that, yeah. That's a whole other level, a whole different crazy kind of thing. It's almost like going into eyes wide shut, but not like as section. It's more just really creepy and weird and everything.

That's just an experience that can't be described. You just got to go to it and check it out. Is there a hauntful of like stats about how baby boomers have saved no money and they're approaching retirement? Maybe. I can tell that scares you. The best one on the East Coast would have to be headless horsemen, hayride, and haunt. It's like a mile long hayride that you go through.

Then they drop you off through, and this is on an old, old farm. that the whole thing takes place on. It's in upstate New York and Ulster Park. And they drop you off at the end of the hayride after the headless horseman chases you. And you actually see this giant guy on a big horse and riding up behind you and you see a silhouette in the moonlight and all.

It's just this really surreal. That guy, shit in your pants. It's pretty awesome. Oh, guy, a horse. No, it's a lot of really good stuff. And then they drop you off at a bunch of different mazes. So you're not waiting in different lines throughout the night. You just go, once you've got through the main line

to get on the hayride, you're just going from one thing to the other the whole night. And they have all kinds of great haunts. Like they have a slaughterhouse. They have a greenhouse with, you know, like an Audrey II style giant plant and everything. Oh, you know what actually scatmy Rogers? Corn maze, all that kind of good stuff. If it was like a contemporary greenhouse with just a bunch of fucking clipboard jockeys standing outside Trader Joe's asking you to sign a fucking petition. Yeah.

Oh, God. How do I get in the store? What do I do to avoid this? I don't want to be bothered. I don't care about your orangutans. I don't give a fuck about Greenpeace. You see that every day. You see that every day already.

That's why it's so scary because it's around all the time. Priuses, just a bunch of Priuses lined up in there with a pretentious bumper stickers honking at me on my bike. You want to hit your laugh track button there? No, that was funny. No, I didn't realize how much they annoyed me

until I was walking around. I was about these girls. And I wanted to bang one of them. And her friend goes, oh, have you been to the haunted hay ride? that's uh it's it's it's kind of fun that's the one i've never been to out here and the whole reason why is because it's it was put on by the same people that they did the go ship one i heard it's good okay that's good i got more ammo to use then as i said no it's not fun it's a p it's a scam and after

after going to the headless horseman one on the east coast i know the haunted hayride isn't going to hold a candle so i'm not even going to bother with that one uh and there's other hayrides that you can do up here we have like the largest corn maze in the country up north somewhere oh right yeah i'll check that out yeah my buddy just went to that um i'll tell you the one of the few times I've had an experience at a haunt where it was it was genuinely unsettling it only it's only happened to me one time like I don't give a shit about haunts I go through and I have fun but it's not like spooky or anything uh there was one in San Diego yeah and it was I think it was called the haunted the haunted hotel is what it's called yeah that's that's been there for a while I've

never gone to that one yeah so like the whole haunt is just kind of like you know uh whatever it's like it's your typical hunt I you know chainsaw guys and people screaming at you and shit except for one room I walked into and it was built like a subway, like a New York subway. And they did such a convincing job on this. I swear to God, like the windows were rushing by. There was like, it looked like motion.

They had the motion in there? Yeah, they had the motion in there. And the platform beneath you was shaking just like a subway car. It felt so authentic. And the lights were flickering and everyone on the subway car was wearing black. And there were all these bodies and they were all holding the poles.

And everybody looked so real. I couldn't tell who was real. So they were like swerving with it. Yeah, they were swaying with it, and I didn't want to walk through this thing. It made me unsaid. I felt like I was surrounded by people who, and I didn't know who was real and who was fake, or if any of them were real, or if any of them were fake, but it really freaked me out. That was the one time, and they even had, like, wind blowing in, so it felt like a subway car,

just at the right intervals. It was really unsettling, but that's the only time. This year actually experienced, at that Ward 13 one I was talking about, I experienced two things that I've not seen before at haunts so far. First off, at one point, they bring us into a room and they strapped us into wheelchairs. And then suddenly they start pushing us around outdoors. They took us out of the haunt and they're shoving us around in wheelchairs, like at high speeds through all these people like escape mental patients and everything.

Then they drop us off in a hallway. We crawl underneath a bed to go through this tight little corridor. And when you get into this other hallway, all the walls are electrified. So whenever you touch them, you're actually getting shocked. and it's pitch black so you can't see. So you've got to, like, feel your way through, but getting shocked along the way. You know that, well, go ahead.

Dick, is there a haunt that you've actually liked ever? I went to Universal Studios. Halloween Horror Nights? Yeah. Okay. And I got front of the line passes. Oh, you have to have that there. Yeah, this girl I was dating wanted to go.

It's gotten worse over the years. Like, if you don't get front of the line, you're going to see maybe like three haunts throughout the night. So, yeah, you got it. So what? You're looking at a grand for the ticket? for the night? It was pricey.

It's like if you're getting front of the line, it's probably like 80, 90 bucks if you buy them in advance. The feeling of walking past those people waiting for those haunts, like waiting two hours, three hours, and just feeling them stare at me like I'm the biggest asshole in the world.

Because you can't buy front of the line passes once you're there. And we had no, like they said on the phone, you want a front of the line pass? I'm like, I'm fucking, of course. What am I getting a standard line? Right. These people were just like trying to murder me

with their eyes. Yeah. And I'm walking through with this. hot chick and I'm like, fuck you guys. Same thing happened to me one year. I felt like king shit. And then I walked out and I would walk down, I did everything at Universal Studios. Then I came down to do another, to do them again because I was like, yeah, fuck it.

I got time to kill. And I saw some of the same people standing in line, waiting in line to get through one haunt that I got through the entire park in the same amount of time. And then as we were leaving, oh, no, this was the coup de grace of me enjoying. As we were leaving, this guy was walking in with his kid. So I took our front of the line passes and gave them to him and his kid. Oh, nice. Oh, and she was like, sploosh.

Oh, I know who you're talking. Okay, yeah. One other thing about that Nott's scary farm, the past two years they've introduced this skeleton key thing, which is really cool. I think you get it with the front of the line passes, and it gives you access to an extra room in each of the mazes that you go to

that other people wouldn't get to go in otherwise, so you get to see this extra scene and sometimes really cool or interact. active, yeah, pretty neat. Hmm, I'm with Dick on the, on the, the skeleton key does sound a little bit scummy. Sounds like the scummy key. Oh, they got, they got 11 prices on the hayride on their fucking website. There's 11 different ways you can spend money at this thing.

You know, you know what's a way you can save money, Dick? With Harries. Because this show is brought to you by Harry's Shave. Go to Harries.com and use the promo code Biggest Problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Look, you've got to look good. It's Halloween. Yeah. Buy a fucking razor.

Right. Or buy a mask? Roger, we're not selling masks here, you dip shit. We're selling Harry's razors. You are a man. You shave all the time. You shave every day. Don't, you don't, do you use Harry's razors?

Yes or no? No, if you give me some, I'll use them, sure. Big mistake. We'll give me $5 off. I'll get you Harry's razor. I'll spend $10 to prove the Harry's razors. Okay. For Roger.

I'll take the Harry's Razors test. Then you come back next year and you tell us how great these razors are. You're over, right now you're over. You are overpaying for whatever dumb razor you're buying. You're overpaying at the drugstore. I don't know if you, I don't know if that's scary for you. Mm-hmm. But that should spook you out a little bit.

Yeah, spook out your bank account. Spook the right out of money. Harry's starter kid is $15. I buy it once a year, I think. Roger. Yeah. I love it when whenever Maddox is annoyed with me, hello, it's good to do that.

Roger. Yep. Saturday kids $15 that includes a razor three blades and your choice of Harry's shave cream or foaming shave gel. as an added bonus, you can get $5 off your first purchase with our code, biggest problem, harris.com. Hey, here's something I just learned because I just read the entire ad document

that they sent over finally after a year. After a year. Yeah, they give 1% of their sales and 1% of their time, I don't know what that means, to organizations that prepare people for, like, job interviews. Oh, that's cool.

Right? Yeah. So when you say that companies wouldn't provide charity that the government has to do it. Oh, my gosh. Oh, so they can get... All right, you want to talk about it? I got Stans. I got Stans.

You want to talk about government charities? Go to Herrick.com. You're just going to the biggest problem. Yeah. Smooth that, read. Yeah, real smooth. Go ahead, Roger. I have no idea where even were.

Your problem, what is your problem now? Okay. My problem is that Halloween is not considered like an official holiday. It's not a holiday that we get off work for or anything when it, you know, falls on a regular weekday. This year, thankfully, it's, thankfully, it's, on a Saturday night, so everyone's going to go wild. But what about the times when, you know, it's during the regular week and you'd like to actually be out doing everything on a Halloween night, but you've got to get up the next morning to go to work. Like a sucker. Like think about like New Year's

Eve and stuff. We get, we get January 1st off of work, right? Most people do. It's federal holiday. Right, right. And Halloween are, most people probably party even harder on Halloween night. You're right. I do. Yeah. See, I've seen you on Halloween night. I have. I have. I have. more fun on Halloween. One of the, one of the sloppiest Halloween's I've ever had. One year I dressed up as a sexy woman. And I found this dress that fit me. It was great. I was a beautiful woman. Have we talked about your fan costume before on here? Maybe last year?

Which one? When you were a fan? Oh, a fan? That was a great costume. It's actually, you're looking at it. I got this fan in my room. He took off the cover to his oscillating fan. Hung it around his neck and that was his costume. Yeah, I was a fan. And then I drew a fan blades on my shirt. and I had two buttons on the fan that said cool and super cool. It was the biggest hit that I was hanging out with you that year, Dick. Yeah, Dick, was it the biggest hit?

I don't know if it was the biggest hit ever. Oh, it was the biggest hit, buddy. Oh, man, I'll tell you what, I made a detour to Bangtown on my way home that night. Better or worse response than the Afro wig you insist on wearing. John, it's cool as shit you don't understand. Anyway, so one year I was this hot lady, right? And then I wore this blonde wig and cowboy hat, and then I bought my own lip stuff. stick and everything. I'm like, oh, I'm going to pick a color to compliments my skin.

And so I went to the store. I like that you went that detailed. Oh, yeah, I got boots and everything. And then over the course of the night, I got more and more drunk. And I started developing the southern drawl. I'd walk up to people like, hey, y'all. Which one of you fine gentlemen wants to buy me a drink? I swear to God, the next day, I was, I guess I was starting into drunk text people, and then for up to about a year and a half to two years after that party, still people would come up to me and talk about conversations that I had

with them that I don't remember at all. Is this the time you passed out in a wheelbarrow? Yeah, a wheelchair. It passed out in a wheelchair and threw up. I remember this. Yeah, I remember that. I remember how sad it looked like you passed out in a wheelchair and dressed as a woman.

I was trying to make you throw up because everyone was really worried about you and I was going over and saying really disgusting things to try to make you throw up and everyone was freaking out. They're like, no, stop, get away from him. Get away from him. He's fine. He's just drunk. And an asshole, he deserves this.

Yeah. Dick's a fun guy to go drinking with. And by the way, Dick, of all the times I've passed out in my life from alcohol, probably like five or six. I think five of the six were with you. Yeah, good. Yeah. It's good. It's good for you. It's a young, Halloween is a young person's holiday. Why don't we have the day off, right?

Everyone should have the day off. Not just young people, old people as well. I know, but they don't need it as much as we do. What do we have for a federal holiday? I mean, think we get, what, like Columbus Day? Fuck Columbus. Flag Day? Yeah, fuck flags as well.

Federal holiday. You know what, though? You know what it is, Roger, Memorial Day for our fallen soldiers? So you're saying we should, like, also honor ghouls and ghosts and candy the same way we should honor Memorial Day. I do. I know you do. Look, look, some soldiers are now ghouls and ghosts. Oh, Roger.

They should do a haunt at Arlington, huh? At Arlington National Cemetery. Can you imagine Roger running around, spooking people out there with a lantern? I lived in Richmond, Virginia, so we've definitely been to quite a few, like, you know, battlefields. They have a lot of, like, haunted tours of them, actually. Haunted battlefields. Yeah, yeah, seriously. I bet it's a libertarian propaganda in those.

Here we go. Here we go. Well, you know, as a libertarian, the idea of a federal mandated holiday offends me deeply. All right. But I'm just saying, you know, people... The government's control of our calendar is, in fact, offensive. Oh. I think the free market should decide whatever day it is.

What day is it? What day do you want it to be today? Friday? Monday? Let's let the free market decide. Don't tell me what day is. You want it to be Halloween or Chris Sean? 10 bucks says it's Christmas. Do I have a higher bidder?

Your iPhone's real authoritarian telling you what time it is. I'll tell you what time it is iPhone. Yeah, my iPhone? It could be anyone. Who am I? Let's let the free market decide who I am. I could be you for the right price. You could be me.

They've actually said that Halloween is on track, honestly, to surpass Christmas in how much money. people spend on it every year now. No, how the fuck is that possible? That sounds like propaganda. Roger Barr. No, people are buying TVs and cars on Christmas. Look, either way, it's a billion dollar industry.

Not either way, you said one way. I'm just telling you what I heard, all right? I'm not fact-checking everything all day long or anything like that. Yeah, because you can't come in next week and spend 20 minutes talking about. Right, exactly. You know what I want to. All right. So why should it be national holiday?

Go on. It should be national holiday because everyone loves going out on Halloween. Not everyone. You got called out last year, Roger. You came in and you were like, Halloween's a great holiday and everyone should... Yeah, all right.

If you're religious and super uptight about it and all, and you're handing out pamphlets instead of candies like an asshole, sure, you don't like Halloween. I do like those pamphlets, though. I do too funny. They always make me laugh. They always make you laugh.

You're going to burn in hell, and you're handing that to like a five-year-old you know, trust is... That's hilarious, though. Right, telling the five-year-old that they're going to burn in hell? Of course. Oh yeah, that's super funny.

I know people who would go to those hell houses just for the laughs. Oh, yeah, I want to go to one. I've never gotten to go. I would totally explain this. What is the hell house? No. Yeah, for people who don't know who don't live in California, there's, actually, I think I live in California.

I know, but for people who don't know. Right, they have these hellhouses that are like haunted houses made by far right Christians, extreme Christians, and they make him like abortion and AIDS. Oh, yeah. And there's like homophobia and old. crazy shit in there, like, oh, don't drink alcohol these parties, you know what's really scary. And supposed to be educational to the haunts.

Sure, sure, sure. So they'll have someone getting an abortion in there and then just like crying and with regret. Like, oh, what am I done? Holding her aborted fetus. What am I done? How am I going to make another one of these? Oh, man, we should, we got to do a road trip.

We need to do a biggest problem road trip to one of these. Hellhouses, yeah. Sure. Wouldn't that be fun? Yeah, we go gay married. Yeah? Yeah, it'd be fun. Yeah, go in holding hands when you go to it.

Oh, that'll be, you know what, Roger? I think they would welcome us and try to convert us. Yeah. You should do a libertarian haunted house. Oh, yeah. Picture of a guy tearing up all the roads. Don't need these public roads anymore. Look at all this gold.

This is how high. It'll just be like an outhouse and some guy panning for gold. And then you walk through and there's a sign that says, Everyone has measles. Yeah, yeah. A bunch of dumb, mouth-breathing idiots eating rocks because they have no education. That's a libertarian wonderland. Yeah.

Just like Utah. Yeah. No food and drug administration? A bunch of rotten food everywhere. A magnifying glass so you can look at the small government. Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Why not? Why not? Or you can just have a sign there that says literally anything, any rule. And you'd be like, oh, that's a big government. inside don't look how intrusive it is hey where's the government around here? He's out back taking a shit I guess parents are the biggest

government at all in children's lives big parents you hate them you hate parents. You hate parents. I mean no I don't hate old parents your parents are cool yeah they're great you know some of us don't get a short straw when we're we got the short luck of the draw what's the what's the expression?

You drew the short straw yeah you have a short short straw yeah I mean I got a big straw no All right. But, yeah, look, I mean, if people can get days off for, like, Christmas and Thanksgiving and all this, why not Halloween? Why not Halloween? I mean, all I'm saying is New Year's, it's pretty much a giant party, just like Halloween is, only Halloween's even crazy. And sexier.

And people need a day off after Halloween, if not for Halloween itself. So give us the day off. That's the problem. Roger, I love you, bro, but you are too ambitious. Okay. Why? What if, what if instead of... Too ambitious to ask for an extra.

day off? Who doesn't want a day off? Well, that's fine. If you want to convert Columbus Day, but it's really hard to get through Congress. I actually did research right before the show to look into what it took to get a federal holiday. And it's, you've got to go through Congress, and you've got to get a majority of all this shit. But here's, how about this? Holy shit. All this democracy, stupid democracy. I know, right? Libertarian. Yeah. So, so what about this, Roger? What if we tried to rebrand Christmas?

That's Halloween? And make Christmas as Halloween. Yeah. And start getting costumes. Already you got the Grinch. I think Tim Burton already did that a long time ago. The nightmare before Christmas. More so. Tim Burton took the first brave step. He's the astronaut moving into Halloween Christmas territory. See, that was the backup problem that I was thinking of bringing in

was about how Christmas is just infringing on every other holiday. Because it basically starts in July now. Like you're starting to see Christmas stuff on the shelves in July. So maybe I'll talk about that next year for Halloween. Yeah, maybe we should regulate it. Make sure Christmas is big. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's the free market. You know, Roger, I love Halloween. I'm not sure if Halloween is my favorite holiday. I think it's Christmas for me. It doesn't have to be your favorite holiday, but it should be treated just like Christmas is and Thanksgiving. There's no one calling between holidays. It gives a shit. No, I'm talking about just giving people the day off to celebrate it and enjoy it and have fun.

And if you don't want to celebrate it, enjoy the day and do something else. So what? Yeah. Just take the day off. Great. I love when I get a day off like for Columbus Day or something like that. That's awesome. I don't care about it.

I actually hate days off. I hate holidays. I hate days off. Your life is a day off. What are you talking about? You fucking asshole. Anyway, Roger. What is it day off for you?

Why do you hate it? What do you mean? It annoys me. Everything I normally do in my life, I can't do anymore because everyone else is doing it. So, like, if I ever wanted to go to the beach or if I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant, I can't go out on Valentine's Day. Everybody's outside ranting about libertarians. It's not just you anymore. No need, because they don't exist.

Anyway, guys. So moving on. You get all your points out? You get earlier points out? Yeah. Anything. Are you not into the rebranding another? No, we don't need to rebrand it.

I mean, I like Christmas, too. I like Christmas too. And if you want to blend Christmas and Halloween together, there are haunted attractions already doing that. If you go to, like, sinister point, they're doing that. They're doing that. What does that cost? Does it set you back 80 bucks?

No, it's actually a fifth. $15 hunt. Dick, I'll get you on point with this. Okay, here's how we're going to, I'm going to get Dick on my side here. Okay, imagine this. Sexy Christmas costumes. Love it. So already, already.

In. Stop there. You've got to sail. Well, hold on. I'm going to sweeten the deal. I'm going to give you the free leather upgrade. Okay. They're already wearing sexy costumes, right?

It's Christmas time. Oh, I didn't have time to pick you up a gift, a little something, something. Then next thing you know, hmm, I'm already wearing this. Well, let's put it to use. Wait, what do you mean? I mean, if you're, have you ever had a girlfriend around Christmas? Have you ever had a girlfriend? First time I touched a boob was a girl wearing like a sexy little, uh, Santa, like, elf dress.

Oh. Yeah, it was great. Did they have a thing for elves? This was a big, this was a big boo. Like whenever you see an elf? Well, you're just talking about sexy dresses and, you know. Yeah, I'm just asking you an honest question. Did they escort you out of the mall or?

Do I have a thing for elves now, elves? I have a thing for probably pretty much everything. Really? Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll take it. All right, guys. If it's being offered. Guys, my problem.

I wouldn't get to my problem here. Oh, right. Yeah, we have some time here. Okay. I'll just go quick with this, but... We have plenty of time. Okay, well, my new video just came out. It's the things I hate about horror movies.

And one of the things I talked about, and I didn't really get enough time to delve into on the episode, but it's zombies. I'm so fucking tired of zombies. Everything about them is played out and I'm tired of them. But specifically, my problem for this week's episode is zombie apocalypse planners. I am so fucking tired of these zombie apocalypse motherfucking planners. You know any of these guys, Dick?

I know of two doomsday preppers. But they're not preparing specifically for zombies, I don't think. Sean, you know these guys, you gave me an exasperated drone. I didn't know it was a real thing. Oh, yeah. It's a real thing, buddy. People think, like, oh, there's going to be some, you know, super virus or some kind of bug that turns people into zombies. But it is still actually preparing for this shit.

Yeah, it's still like... They hang out at coloring book parties. It's like the Dooms Day. It is a lot like the Dooms Day preppers, though, but I think they have, like, some extra things like weapons that are specifically meant to kill zombies. But they're also preparing for Doomsday in general. They've also stayed inside far too long. Yeah. They've stayed inside far too long and spent too much time on the fucking internet.

Well, yeah, so what it is, I think, I think, related to the infantalism thing, Remember, Dick? You mentioned that it's infantilism with like the whole grown-up camp-out thing. With this specifically, and I really want to hit this point home with infantilism, is that it's the avoidance of responsibility as an adult by doing childish things like preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Because that's how you escape reality, escape your responsibilities, escape your duties. So let me ask you some. I just love that we're talking about this when we just talked about how you're basically everyday life is a day off. Now, I work. I mean, I work.

I do things. Here's the thing. I have, I've created a work environment that I like, but it's inconvenient when there's day-offs because it's like going to Disneyland on a holiday. No one wants to do that. It's awful. That's why it's so crowded. No one wants to. Well, no one wants to.

I'm just kidding. It's a yogi-Bara quote. I know, I know, I know. I think they're having, like, trick-or-treating at Disney this weekend or something. Like, you can actually go there in costume or something. I never go to Disneyland, really. One of the best times I've ever gone to Disneyland was during, not Halloween itself, but the week or two before, it was. empty. The park was empty. I got through every

ride. It was awesome. But anyway, so there's a book that came out back in 2003 by Max Brooks called The Zombie Survival Guide, Complete Protection from the Living Dead. You've seen this book, right? Yeah, I've read it. Of course. Huge. Aren't they making it into a movie, too? I'm sure. I mean, he wrote, I think he wrote World War Zs and they made that

into a movie. Yeah, but I think the survival guide they're actually making it into a new movie. I mean, sure, why not? Zondy Land was kind of like that, right? Like, it's Jesse Eisenberg talking about. Yeah. Yeah. So I looked into this, and there is so many books and kits and things on Amazon about the zombie service. Like for jokes or for a real?

Well, half of them, you can't even tell anymore. You can't tell. Like on Think Geek or whatever. Do you hate the joke? Is this problem about the real people or the jokes or the whole thing? The whole thing, I'm so tired of it. So here's one by Rex Cuddy came out in 2014 called Zombie Apocalypse, The Survival Guide. I mean, it's almost like blatantly lifting the title from the other one. And a lot of these books have the same color scheme. as Max Brooks book. Oh yeah, he was the impetus for all that thing.

Yeah, back in 2003. So, 2015, there's zombie apocalypse survival. Then there's surviving the evacuation, book one, London. That's 2013. Then there's zombie apocalypse love in the end time, the end time saga book one. That actually just came out. Then how to survive the zombie apocalypse virus,

the health survival handbook. And then some of them start to get more serious. Listen to this one. This isn't serious, but listen. Well, I don't know. It says zombie apocalypse, an MMF survival romance short story. You know what MMF is?

Yeah, two guys fucking one shit. Yeah. That's weird. I brought in the description of this book. It says, Josh, Carol, and their neighbor end up struggling for survival. And events get increasingly frustrating. Are you sure this is like a book and not fan fiction? Oh, it's a book.

It's on Amazon. Those events that are out of their control, and some they choose to ignore them. And some they choose to ignore them. This is the copy. Bitter Stevie Triangle develops, and the group becomes tense around each other. This sounds like just some idiot wrote it and put it on Amazon. It's like an erotic zombie porno. Yeah.

Then there is a zombie apocalypse survival kit in a sardine can. So this is a big thing now. You can buy these kits for like $35 and they have like rations and things in them for your zombie survival. Then there is the zombie apocalypse, the preppers guide to pandemic outbreak, quarantine, and zombie fallout survival family basics. There's the men's survival guide Be Prepared, Hunting, Fishing, Canning, Foraging and Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. There's the...

And now here's one. This is actually just... It seems like it's just capitalizing on this trend. It's called The Art of Eating Through the Zombie Apocalypse, a cookbook and culinary survival guide by Lauren Wilson. It's... I'm trended out. Yeah, I'm so fucking tired of it.

And it just goes on and on. There's the zombie apocalypse over 726 tips to survive and thrive. Okay, so it doesn't sound... It doesn't sound like most people would actually take this stuff seriously. Like they're reading it for laughs or whatever. Like I'm sure there are some wackos out there who are like, you know, actually preparing for the zombie apocalypse just like they would for any apocalypse, like Doomsday Preppers.

But I think the majority of people buying shit like that, even like the little kits. Yeah, it's like a funny joke. Just ironic. Yeah, some of them maybe. But then they're actually selling actual products that people use now. There's there's zombie pills. Have you heard of these? This is a real thing?

It's a real thing. There's zombie pills. Well, 26% of people believe in witches. Didn't we find... Wasn't that my problem last year? So, fuck, maybe this is real. Oh, yeah. Who the hell knows?

What are the zombie pills, though? Let's see. Yeah, the zombie pills. It says zombie apocalypse. They make you stupid. I mean, there's zombie breath mints that they sell. Is that what you're talking about? Is this candies?

This is actually a supplement you can take. It's zombie apocalypse. Oh, God. An important part of your zombie apocalypse survival kit, top quality. It's like vitamins, actually, and I looked into it's mostly like B12. It says it keeps your... kids healthy and running fit. So is it just a marketing thing?

It's totally, see, it's just like a, that sounds like a normal supplement. It's like when they put out like Flintstones vitamins. It's like you're still taking vitamins, but you're just using the Flintstones to market it. Could that be what it is? For people who are fans of zombies. Maybe. It's annoying. Yeah, I don't think it's real.

I think it's annoying. I think that some people take this shit seriously, though. Like, there's this woman in Ohio, I think, was recently arrested because she was running up and cutting her neighbor's cables with a machete. And then they broke into her house and this lady's bonkers out of her fucking mind. She has like fake limbs hanging everywhere. She has like a pentagram altar and knives everywhere in her apartment. And she tried to attack the cops.

Oh, this lady's out of her fucking mind. Oh, there's some lady the other day on the news. I guess she was sending anonymous letters to her neighbors about her kids saying like that they look tasty. Can she taste them or something? Yeah, really creepy. Good, good, good. Yeah. Well, you know, that's her right.

The government has no right to come in and tell her that she can't eat her kids. That's what every libertarian thinks. Yeah, yeah. Unless somebody else has a... We've got to set a price for these kids first. Let the free market set the price to eat these kids. Zero. Kids are worthless.

Zero dollars. There's another one... There's another book called E-Virus. Then modern-day girls' survival guide, How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse for the Modern Girl. Yeah. Then there's fat chicks and skinny bitches die first, a girl's guide to surviving the apocalypse.

And then there's vegan, teenage zombie huntress. Skinny bitches are not going to die first. Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress I might be part of the problem Did I ever tell you about the book that I pitched? Yeah, the next book that I pitched to... Let's talk about it, yeah. Simon & Shoes through?

Yeah, so, you know, my book, better than women. I thought everyone would think is hilarious. Big mistake that was. Publishing industry is largely dominated by women. Is that fair? Oh, absolutely. The publishing industry, not just who runs, it, but the people who buy books.

Men generally don't buy books. Don't buy books. Because, you know, I don't know why. Not big fans of me and my book, right? They didn't all think it was funny. So I waited a while and pitched another book to Jeremy Ruby Strauss. Like, hey, I got another book idea. It's a little softer, right?

Our editor, who, by the way, is the reason Dick and I are friends, he introduced us. Right. Yeah. Right. Didn't know that. Yeah. So I said, hey, I got another book for you. It's a little bit easier to swallow than the other one, because I know I don't have a lot of

fans there and you have to walk into a meeting and pitch this. Of course. So I'm not going to make you do that again. It was how to get laid during the zombie apocalypse. This was like five years ago. I think you tell me about that. Yeah, it would have been tongue in cheek. It would have been like retarded pickup artist's advice for when the world is going to shit.

Right. Right. Because that's when you really need it. You don't need, you can get laid anywhere now. You just walk around and there's chicks everywhere. But when there's a zombie apocalypse. that wasn't like seeking a friend for the end of the world or something and it was all about people hooking up i think uh during yeah i mean but this this was years ago like now it's like yeah now

it'd be embarrassing to put out because it's like yeah we're all fucking over zombies like shove it up your ass you would think you know me too i'm surprised it's still around oh my gosh dude so that so i talked about uh just briefly uh i zombie the uh in my video you know there's a show called i zombie zombie do you know anything about it no it's a zombie detective show The detective is a zombie She eats brains and then gets flashes of how they were killed Fucking stupid as shit Dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen

I think that should have honestly been your problem No just zombies Instead of the zombie You know preppers Change it Make it zombies Well because zombies aren't fucking real And I will not

I don't want to contribute to this idea This notion I gotta How about zombie theory? I've contributed to the zombie thing I did it many years ago actually You and I did You and I both.

Yeah. I'm the founder of the Richmond Zombie Walk, actually, which is still going. And, you know, we do charity stuff every year for it. My buddy's Anthony and Josh are still doing that every year.

It's a pretty awesome event and everyone just gets together and shuffles around it on that. Oh, buddy, I got a story for you. I got a story for you guys. Okay, so Dick, I don't think you and Sean even know this. But a long time, when I first met Roger,

early on in our friendship, I've known Roger for a long time. Yeah, pretty long now. He hit me up and he's like, hey man CSI Oh the CSI I'm almost doing

my Roger voice Yeah Oh hey man So So Roger hits me up He goes Hey man So CSI New York

wants me to organize a zombie walk For their Halloween episode And they need a bunch of zombies Do you want to be an extra In the zombie thing And I'm like Immediately no

Because I'm thinking Well this sounds like It's gonna be a long day on set And I'm only gonna get paid Like 12 bucks And Roger's like No they're paying us I'd do it for free

I know. Roger goes, their pain is like $60 an hour. I'm like, Roger, that sounds insanely high. I don't think they're going to pay a $60 an hour. And he's like, no, no, they are, they are. That was what was in the email. I remember that.

Yeah. And so Roger, all of you together? Like all 100 of you, they would pay $60 an hour? I wish. So they, so Roger, Roger, like went through and I'm like, Roger, you got it. I mean, this doesn't sound right. They don't pay this much for extra work. And so he double-checked this email.

And this was like when we just moved out here. So, yeah, I assumed like, oh, that must be what extras get. refresh off the boat. So he's like, yeah, I checked the email. I contacted them $60 an hour. And they did say that, yeah. Yeah, and then I thought, okay, well, $60 an hour, that's pretty legit.

I'm going to go out and I'm going to buy a bunch of makeup stuff for me. I'm going to make my own scars and I'm going to use oatmeal. Why did you decide to do that? Because I wanted to go all out, you know? They said you can come in. Well, yeah, but Roger said if we show up in makeup, they'll give us a little bonus. Oh, I see.

So I thought, I'll do a better job of myself than they'll do a, me. No, that's definitely not going to happen. Yeah, but that's how he thinks. Yes. I know. Oh, buddy, I looked great. I went out to a thrift store and I bought these pants and I dirtied them up and I cut

them up and then I bought this flannel shirt. I put latex on my skin, on my skin, liquid latex directly on my skin, which is a bitch to get out, especially if you have any hair and I'm a fucking hairy dude ever works out my head. So I put this latex on my skin, made these scars and everything, show up. We ended up being on set. I think I showed up at like 8 p.m. And we ended up leaving around 4 a.m.

Yeah. And it was mostly fucking awful. And then I was like, well, I mean, I had fun for a little amount of time. But then, you know, the reality of it kicked in that I'm just stuck in, in L.A. But then you get 500 bucks. Huh. Right? 500 bucks, baby.

Show me the idiot who thought they were paying all these people 50 grand for one shot. No, turns out I got $60, period. Of course. Yeah. For like 14 hours of work. And we called them on it because the email said specifically per hour and all that. Did you get it? No, no.

No. They gave us $60. I spent $120 just on my costume. Did you show up in the episode? I was, for anyone who wants to look it up, the CSI New York episode was called Boo. B-O-O. Yeah, I do actually, I have the clip, Roger. I think we're both in it.

You can see you. You were dressed as a Boy Scout and me. I was kind of limping along. I did a pretty great job. That was my film debut. My TV debut was CSI New York. Then you went on to Oogabuga. I hear on Cash Floor,

which Eastern European cable channel, that be on when it finally airs. All of them, buddy. You guys laugh, but actually that might be the case. Will it have a channel number or will it be a series of letters? You know what, Dickhead,

it'll be on everything. It'll be on everything all the time. I'm going to fucking pipe it right up your ass in just a minute. I do remember though They touched up everyone's makeup for this episode and all that And this is just Well, Roger, I walked into that tent and they're like

You're good sir No, they were not In fact, you were in there longer than most people were So I know that's not what they thought Roger, they were writing down what my technique was For my Boy Scout one of the things that I snuck in there And I mean, I didn't know if it would actually show up on the episode But I, my troop number was 666

And I had brains coming out of nerd Oh, it was great. It was great. You loved it. I would have to have my dick out in the scene for $60. Like, oh, rolling. Just like zip. Oh, man. They asked us, so I didn't even cross my mind to mug for the camera, but they told us not to mug for the camera. And as soon as they said that, I'm like, oh, shit, I'm getting mug for the camera. Everyone mugs for the camera.

It was like a zombie march all just lurching forward trying to get it when we all crawled out in the streets and all. Oh, man. And it was such a shit pile production. Fuck those guys, man. Yeah, that's what corporations do. dude dickhead. They have millions of dollars of making. They can't even pay a few extras who are down there pouring their hearts into it. Oh yeah. More than like 860.

Honestly, it's a fun memory. I'm glad we did it. I love that we did it. You'd have done it for free, you said. Yeah, corporations giving you charity. Yeah, I was not in that for the money. That's Roger. That's Roger. That's not world famous author Maddox. Host the cash floor. Sorry, boogga. Can I tell you, so

no, I've never really talked about Uga Buga. For good reason. So I was at Comic-Con like four or five years ago, and this company, these guys from Full Moon, Full Moon is a production company makes a lot of classic horror movies. They did the Puppet Master series and everything. I love Puppet Master.

Yeah, it's great. It's great. The original Puppet Masters are awesome. And they actually happen to be the production company of one of my favorite horror movies at all time called Castle Freak, which is just awesome on different levels. That's the movie? Castle Freak.

Yeah, and they own the rights to all kinds of other movies to like Arcade, which stars Seth Green, and they go into like this virtual reality horror world, and it's really cheesy early 90s stuff, all kinds of really bad stuff. I think Ginger Dead Man. Evil Bong. Evil Bong, yeah.

One through eight now or something. And then Evil Bong versus Ginger Dead Man is one of them. Anyway, so they make a bunch of like horror movies and B movies and stuff. So they come up to me and they're like, hey, Maddox, we're huge fans. I'm like, well, cool, because I'm huge fans of you guys. And they said, do you want to do a cameo in one of our movies? I'm like, yeah, that sounds awesome. I'll do a cameo.

$60 is my day rate. I don't know if you guys can afford that. $60 per 14-hour day, please, yes. So then they sent me this script, and I was thinking I would get like a line or two in there. And by the way, they cast like some big names in this. It was Karen Black, I think it was Karen Black's last movie. She was the flight attendant from the original airplane movies.

Oh, wow. Yeah, Karen Black was in it. And then Stacey Keach was in it. Oh, he's cool. Oh, that guy. Yeah, Stacy Keach is the main racist dude from, American History X, like the older guy. Okay.

Yeah, great, great actors. And then me. Which, which, so they sent me the script. All-star cast. Yeah. And I'm thinking that this script is going to be, you know, I have a line or two or maybe just some background work. It turned out, they gave me like a 15-page role in this movie. I thought I was shit in my pants.

I told my friend, I'm like, a guy, I'm not an actor. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know any of this shit. So I'm like freaking out. Had you seen a full moon movie at that point? Because then if you had, you never would have been nervous to begin with. Roger, I wasn't worried about that. I was worried more that I was in there with some actual town, like Karen Black and Stacey Keech.

Did you have to perform with those two? I was on set with Karen Black, but not... Did you have to do a scene with her? No, no. She was in another trailer, and she was, like, doing her own thing. But, yeah, so I did that movie. And my acting was pretty awful. And I took a friend there with me to the screening.

I went to the screening with you. Oh, yeah, you were there. Yeah. And another one of my friends said, I said, well, am I the worst, the worst person in this movie? She goes, no, you were the second worst. Oh, pretty good. Yeah, which there was someone else that they thought were worse. I can't fault anyone's acting in a movie with the production values that that had and like the kind of stuff that they were doing in it, though. Roger, you can.

You can. You can. And that's very generous of you. But, yeah, it was, that was my first experience in the movie. That's what B movies are. They're not known for, like, good acting. Even if you get a great actor in there, they're not really known for it.

So, you know, sometimes if you're lucky, you get a great performance, like, you know, Bruce Campbell and Evil Dead or something back in the day. Yeah. I mean, my acting on set was, like, there was some parts where I started delivering lines like Napoleon Dynamite, and I got called on it.

I didn't even realize I was doing it, but like, you sound kind of like Napoleon. I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah. And then my acting was so bad on one scene that, like, extras and, like, PA's were coming up to me and be like, hey, man, Why don't you try this? And why don't you try that?

Oh, man. Oh, yeah, all right. Give me your notes. Give me your notes. See, I don't have ego when it comes to shit like that. If I don't know what I'm doing, I'll take notes and I'll just, I'll apply it.

But when you know what you're talking about. Yeah, you shut the fuck up. Like, Professor Maddoch, when you pay attention to me playing video games, I know what I'm doing? Hey, speaking of video games, when are you posting that Smash Brothers clip? Oh, yeah, I got to edit it.

Yeah, I'll do it. Okay. I'm not forgetting that. I don't know if you're trying to sneak it away. Dick, Dick definitely What is in the Smash Brothers We had a Smash Brothers

fight to see who's better at video games Oh, he thinks he's the best at every video game and all I ever see you do is lose Roger I kick your ass

What did I say Every time he's annoying with me Roger Every time He thinks he's so good of video games That's my Roger voice So is your problem zombies?

I think it should just be zombies Zombie apocalypse planners Man We're never gonna talk about zombies again See that's why he's gonna lose this episode because he's not doing zombies.

Everybody hates zombies, right? It's not a contest, Roger. It's not a contest, though. Don't you want to see how much people hate zombies? Like, is it a bigger problem than piss triplets? I feel like I'm getting tricked. You know what, I'll decide. By the time the episode goes live, I'll decide.

You're not committing to it. They're not going to vote for you. I don't give a shit. Yeah, you got to commit. Yeah. I don't give a shit. Believe in your argument. What are you fighting for?

Fine. You know what? I'm going to go with zombies. I'm going to go with zombie apocalypse planners. Oh, you piece of shit. You piece of shit You piece of shit Maddx.

Editing and post Is that what that was an asshole? You have such a scumbag. You have the final edit You can't put one of those out Yeah So we won't have to have them both in But post both of them somewhere

Yeah, that's fine I won't edit that, don't worry about it. All right, hey, speaking of Smash Brothers and smashing things, let's smash open these fortune cookies at Roger Bros. Oh yeah, definitely. These are, these are, Black Halloween fortune cookies.

I gave them out in my Halloween club package this year. Roger, please, African American? Hey, so what's an article on your site that people... That people would want to go look at now? By now, by the time this podcast airs, my annual guide to the Halloween candies of 2015 will be up, and that's where I taste test every single new candy that's out on the market right now

and give my thoughts on it. Oh, yeah. What is the best candy? You want me to spoil it? Well, give us a tease. One of my favorite ones this year is three muskifiers. It's like the cryptic... It's like they hired the cryptkeeper.

It's like they hired the cryptkeeper to name their candy. I think it's hilarious. Speaking of, I opened up my fortune, it says, Beware. They're right behind you. That's what's what kind of shitty fortune cookies are these? Roger. Mine says the night may be frightful, but friends are delightful.

That's like a Christmas thing. The weather outside. Your said. Mine says, If the broom fits, fly it high. What? That's spooky.

Yeah. All right. Aren't you glad I brought those? All right, guys. My problems this week, my problem was zombie apocalypse planners or zombies.

You piece of shit. My problem is haunted shit. My problem is Halloween deserving days off. There you go. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. Thank you.

Come to my website. site. Of course. Go to i.mockery.com. Is I-dash mockery? Yeah. To see more of Roger Bar and stuff. I-hyphen mockery.com, absolutely.

I'm doing the two months of Halloween celebration and all that. And I'm at iMockery on Twitter. Thanks for coming by there. Thank you. Hey, guys. This is James from Japan. Max. What the fuck?

You had an actual libertarian agendist sitting across from you the entire time, and you couldn't shut up for four fucking minutes to let him explain what are a libertarian. And by the way, the gold standard is not people just carrying around gold all the time. You fucking idiot. It's gold backing up the currency.

And I looked it up and it's fucking insane. No, it's literally carrying around gold. That's what we want to do. Yeah, no, it is. That's what libertarians want to do. Like Scrooge McDuck. Every libertarian website I went to said, like talked about the gold standard.

You guys are fucking insane. The gold standard is a shitty economic model. Hey, Dick. You want to know. the secret to quit shit in your pants. Stick a finger in your butt. I don't think that's a secret. Okay, that's been like three episodes now where he's called in.

No, that's not the same guy. Oh, really? No, it's a different guy. Yeah, it's spawned. Oh. That's the new get raped. Stick a finger in your butt. What, someone calls in and says that every episode.

Everybody says getting raped. That's the catchphrase for our show. It came from beautifully. It came from YouTube during our live episodes. I noticed that some guys, I was consistently commenting to people who were criticizing us with just get raped. And then I read a comment

where somebody was like, hey, this episode was pretty good. I thought you guys did a good job. You should do more of these and he still commented get raped. So it just became yeah. Yeah. I'm surprised you're not making shirts. I'd say that for the cell. Yeah. That'll be a big hit in Iceland. It's satire.

That's what you say when you wear that shirt. Automatic's impressions. I think this is you, though, Dick. I think he's a name. No, I don't think so. Oh, yeah, dude, yeah, dude, dude, dude. Dick, you're a cool guy. That definitely was a meme.

Good, good voice. Like, described at homeowners association of a small government reminded me of that clip from Zoolander where they show him the model of the school and he gets mad he's like, what is this a school for ham? Idiots. Not literally about a government being small.

You fucking idiot. Because there's no correlation, right? You fuck. Homeowners association telling you what to put on your door is very intrusive. Oh, it's very intrusive. I think they're all stupid. Yet it's a free market.

You don't have to be a bigger jackass to prove it their jacket. Great. It's a free market device shithead. The free market left to its own devices created homeowners associations. That's not a government institution. That's a free market institution.

You know, we didn't get into why that episode got off track. I think we should talk about that next week. Okay. I would like to go over how that, because I think you could have brought that in and really nailed it. Because a lot of people hate libertarians. I know, I didn't bring in all these stats. Like, I brought in, seriously, this episode I have four pages of shit to talk about.

Like, the Homeowners Association thing? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's a free market device that was, well, anyway, I already said that. The device, the device they're in favor of. But there's... Libertarians are in favor of that. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Because a homeowners association is just more government. That's like saying we put a government in your government because we heard you like being governed while you're being governed. Like they just do more things. It's not smaller. So we should ban them. No, that would be additional intrusion.

Oh, it's additional intrusion. Here's the problem, though, Dick. Without homeowners associations, and I fucking hate them. But without them, they exist to make sure that your neighbors don't leave fucking junk on their yard. No, no, no, no, no, that's not why they exist. That is, because the next thing you know. They exist to keep, to take care of common areas.

Like, there's common areas in a condo or in a neighborhood. There's, like, a little park. And they also, they enforce other stuff. Like, they want to make sure that you have, you know, like, the same grass as your neighbors in some places. When they start doing that, that's where a libertarian would say, now you're telling people too much stuff of what to do. Take care of the basic goods. But what happens if your neighbor wants to just burn garbage on his front lawn?

But that's illegal. Oh, but... That's already... That's not going to be... That's a big government telling you can't burn junk on your right here. That is not a responsibility. If you murder your wife,

the HLA isn't going to arrest you. But libertarians are like, hey, if you're not bothering anyone, go ahead and put garbage on your front lawn. That's what the libertarians want. No, libertarians would say... He's still on the libertarians believe this. They don't believe in burning garbage.

No. Oh, yeah? Yeah. They believe in burning down the Fed. You have the right... the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, and your property. And you should do anything you want as long as it's not hurting anyone else, right?

You don't want the answer, you just want to be right. There's no difference, Sean. What's the answer? Okay, go ahead. What's the answer? I don't want to be accused of sandbagging you. What's the answer? Vote Trump.

Okay. There you go. That's it. That's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, that's what, That's the best of the brightest of libertarian philosophy right there. Trump. That shithead jackass. Oh, fucking dope.