The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 77

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from misdemeanors to chafed weeners. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me as Asteroos and Sean are audio engineer. Hello.

Welcome back and welcome Asteroos. Dick couldn't make it this week. Welcome to the show. Yeah, look, look, I got big shoes to fill. He actually left his gigantic fucking shoes here. His shitty tombs. I'm trying to, look, Phil. These are some very nice.

nice shoes. But yeah, you know, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just in, this worked out super super well, because I was coming in town for the week anyway to get as drunk as possible with my friends. And how's it been going? I have two giant glasses of whiskey in front of me, and I'm going to see how deep in the bag I can get over this episode. And, uh, and look, you know what? I'll leave it up to the listeners to decide just how slurred my speech gets. So I'm, I'm looking forward to it. But this just, this kind of. It didn't work that well. Dax couldn't make it. I'm here for the week. Fuck it. One more take. Dick couldn't make it. Oh, Dick, sorry. But this worked out well. Dick couldn't make it. I'm here. You got free booze. Let's get this going.

Yeah, I'm glad you copped to the two full glasses of alcohol in front of you because I would have totally bused you on that, buddy. There's nothing to bust. You can't bust someone who's super proud of what they're doing. Good. Oh, my lord. This room is not spinning enough. That's what I want. I want my life to be a centrifuge. by the end of this episode, and God damn it, Maddox, you get me there. You better keep it down. You too, Sean. No more, no poop-barf shenanigans. Poop barf shan, what?

A couple episodes ago. I missed something, clearly. Sean dry heaved because I was describing a story where I wiped my ass with a bunch of autumn leaves. Yeah. How did I miss this? I listened to every freaking episode. Why were you wiping your ass with all? My mom locked me out of the house.

All right. Great parents. So, speaking of it, listening to every single episode. You should know who won. You should... Nobody wins, Maddox. So who had the most votes?

When you win someone won, when you lose, oh, the problem had the most votes. Let's keep it super ethereal. You know what? It's already off to a bad start to erase everything. Last week,

the problem with the most votes is zombie apocalypse planners Followed by Halloween not being recognized As a National Holiday That was our guest Roger Barr's problem Followed by zombies And then dead last dick's haunts problem Which nobody thought was a problem

In fact they thought it was a solution What? Hans aren't because haunts are a fun thing to do A fun place to go, a fun thing to do All the haunts I heard on that episode It sounded fucking terrible Spending $70 and then with a chick $140 to go out on a boat

And not be scared and have to buy more liquor It sounds like rough seas, buddy. Oh, yeah, it was rough seas. That was horseshit. I was on that thing. Oh, well, then you should know. No, it was awful. Okay.

I was on that thing, and I thought it was a good thing that it didn't go out to see. There was this haunted ship, and they advertised that it went out to sea. It didn't really. It just went out into the harbor. If it did go out to sea, I would have been stuck on that shitty boat longer. I did go to a haunt, though, over the weekend. Tell me about it. It was a haunted hayride.

Okay. And it was not haunted at all. Okay. It was just, you know, um, There might be something to this libertarian thing with regulations and all that shit. Because those fuckers were so meek, they're so afraid to hurt you. Because there was this lady over the weekend who was on a haunted hayride and one of the workers accidentally bumped into her with a metal bat

and like kind of busted her lip a little bit. Yeah. So they comped her. She probably was asking for it. Let's just put it out there right now. She was probably asking for it. And Manix, I'm glad you agree with me. She paid for it, right?

There you go. That's a big bonus. If you actually bleed in a haunt, that's a scary haunt for a change. No, but so the place comptered the tickets, and they gave her VIP tickets. Then she went to the hospital the next day, you know, after she spent all night at this haunt with VIP tickets, then the hospital ejected her. They said, you're fine. And then she went to the police.

And then she said, you know what, I'm not going to press charges. And then she went to the news and then told the news. She made a big song and dance, and all under the guise of raising awareness. She says, yeah, I'm not going to press charges because it was really an accident and everything's okay. But here you are talking to the news and also going to the police. Who walks into a police station and says, I'm not going to – here's a crime that happened, but I'm not going to press charges. Thanks for wasting our time, lady. Thank you so much.

We're the police. We have nothing to do. So this is great. Great use of our fucking time. Yeah. You know what? That goddamn attention-seeking bullshit, everyone wants credit for every little good thing they do. You know, yeah, that's the sign of a bad person.

Other sign of a bad person, someone that says there's a good, someone that says they're a good person. Oh, yeah. I'm a good person. I'm such a good person. I try so hard. That's a red flag. Yeah, it's a red flag. A red Nazi flag.

You are speaking of Nazis and bad people, I got some voicemail. Listen to this one. Hey, this is Josh from New Jersey. I bet Sean's going to fly high. that broom. Ha, ha. Yeah. So last episode, Sean got a fortune cookie.

It said he had a broom up his ass or something. Do you remember what it said, Sean? No, it said something about, I don't know, if the broom fits, fly it high. That's the one, yeah. Did Roger pick that? No, that was, that's the fortune cookie you picked. No, he gave it to me. Yeah, hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I believe those things. All right, I got another voicemail. Let's know. Hi. I just have to say that my fiancé listens to your podcast constantly while he's folding the laundry while he's doing the dishes while he's cleaning. Good.

And sometimes when he doesn't use his headphones, I hear them. And your voices are like nails on a fucking chalkboard. They have to be two of the most annoying voices I've ever heard in my entire fucking life. Yeah. Just thought you should know that. I don't know if she's ever heard her own voice, but here we go. Your voices make me want to bang my fucking head into a wall. Yeah.

Well, luckily for you, My voice is on the episode, my mollifluous voice. So maybe everything's going to be just fine. Yeah, maybe, maybe instead of banging her head on the wall, she'll be banging her vagina against her boyfriend. Thinking of you. Yeah. There you go.

We made it. Maybe instead of nails on a chalkboard, it'll be chalk on a chalkboard. writing half sex with a stereos. Ah, that's what it is. That's what it is. You're welcome. All right, I got another voicemail here. Hi, guys.

I'm a chemist. The other day, I was looking at some slides under my microscope, and I discovered the smallest libertarian government I have ever seen in my life. I started doing some research. And a few days later, worth of equations and just tons of testing, my hypothesis was finally proven that Maddox has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. You don't. Yeah.

You'll fuck yourself. Okay, he's not here. So fuck you. Okay. If he were here, he would say, fuck you, buddy. Look, you don't. I don't know if you're doing it on purpose. I don't know if you're just trolling everybody.

That's what he would like you to believe. You know what? I think that you started out real. And then when you realized that you didn't know you were talking about, talking about you are like, I've been trolling you the whole time. It's like when people make a shitty horror movie and halfway through, they're like, oh, it's campy. It's supposed to be bad.

It's like, look, there are really valid reasons why libertarians are like the worst people in the world. You haven't outlined any of them. Okay, you know what? First, I have two things to say. Okay. You have to do this again? People are riding me like in drool.

You know what? I just, and I won't even fight back. I just want to put the marker down there as an objective third party who has not been here for the past two weeks of this kind of argumentative fuck fest. Like, you're wrong on this one, Matt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. I'm listening, I'm listening. I, here's the thing. That episode was kind of a cluster fuck.

I was fucking around at the start. You know what? Uh-huh. You know what? Maybe the Homeowners Association argument wasn't the best tack to take to pin down Libert. Yes, Stereos, let it go. That's as good as we're gonna... I was just thinking, I just thought the same thing.

Like, you know, wow, that was almost okay. Yeah, eat shit, pull the end. Damn, we almost add him. Whatever. And let's see, I got one more. And then, well, actually, before we get to this, I should mention that, so I just, I just finished a new Sonic 3D tutorial on Twitch.

And it would, today, I did a Sonic turkey, a Sonic the Hedgehog turkey, which I think is my masterpiece. Like, you guys all shat on my old Sonic the Hedgehog 3D. But I'm curious to see what you guys think of this one. I feel pretty confident this is, this is... Now, is this that thing that you were doing? I was literally at my day jab today, and I got a notification that you were on Twitch, so I opened up Twitch.

And I saw you, like, using digital. Clay to mold a spiked dick? No, it was... Like a like a spiked phallus, like a like a dick that looked like it could really hurt somebody. Like, was this the thing that you were making? That was not, that was not... Okay, that was not a spiked dick.

It was a beautifully rendered Sonic the Hedgehog. A Thanksgiving... Because Thanksgiving is coming up. I want to get people in the spirit. Okay, well, look, look, I'm a huge fan of... I'm a huge fan of Thanksgiving. But all I'm saying is if I saw that thing you drew walking like a 50 feet high in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade,

I would leave New York and never come back. It was a terrifying abomination you made today. That's hateful. That's hateful. That's bullshit. You're just a hater. That was one of the best things I've ever made, I think, in 3D. Everyone loved it.

Everyone. I didn't get a single criticism when I was making this thing. Instead, okay, yes, you didn't get a single criticism. You got hundreds of criticism. People were telling your girlfriend to leave you. because you were doing such a bad job rendering Sonic the Hedgehog. You can't even make a regular Sonic the Hedgehog, so why do you think you could make a Sonic the Hedgehog slash turkey?

I made a Sonic the Hedgehog a turkey, and it was a successful, it was success, it was great. Everyone loved it. You know what, Sirius, I'm going to put, I will put my reputation down on the line. So you won't put that much down on the line. Okay, got it. Fuck you. All right. All right, I got another voicemail.

Hey, Maddoch, I am still bamboozled by the fact that you didn't, since you're such a gamer, you play video games all the time, that you fell to notice when Robert, the dude on the last podcast, the recent podcast, said the skeleton key gives you access to new rooms. I'm bamboozled that you didn't say, hey, that's like DLC. Well, guess what? You missed your opportunity there. Sean, please don't delete this. And Mattas, go fuck yourself to,

and go fuck yourself to oblivion. Christ. Yeah, eh, eh, go fuck yourself. What an idiot. That's a minute of my life I'll never get back. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to be up talking to St. Peter,

and St. Peter's going to be like, what were you doing when you were listening to this total asshole not make jokes about a DLC joke that you could have not made? Why did you play that Maddox? I mean, about that thing that Robert said last episode. First of all, it's Roger. You're a gamer.

Here's the thing, shithead. DLC is completely different because you're buying something that you don't even have an idea of what it plays like, right? DLC, you're buying content, which, by the way, they're just segregating content that they would have normally released with the game back in the day. Now they're just saying, okay, well, we're going to portion this off and say it's down. downloadable content that you have to pay extra for. It's an additional revenue stream. No, it sucks. When we were kids, they would advertise games as has hundreds of hours of content.

Like, I remember when I got Final Fantasy 3, which I think was Final Fantasy 6 in Japan. Yeah, it was. And they were just like, it's 150 hours of gameplay. Yeah. And it's like, motherfucker. That's, that's absolutely incredible. And now they would take that same 150 hours, sell you 80 of it, and then sell you the other 70 of it, broke it up into chapters over the next six months.

And it's such a racket, dude. Of course it's bullshit. You know what? I swore off of EA games. I don't play any more EA games, electronic cards. Good. Because I bought the last snowboarding game. What was it?

SSX something or other. It took like an hour and a half to start the fucking game. Swear to God with the installations, the updates, the, I had to sign three terms of service agreements just to play this fucking game. Just a fake snowboard on some fake snow. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they're shit again. You like to go to EA Origin and, oh, you're always on connection.

And then, and then to get the full pack. So if you buy the game, you have to enter this code that's on the package. It's like a 16-digit code. And that's just so it unlocks one of the levels that you paid for in the game. And the reason they do that, you can only use that code once because if you resell the game as a used game, they want people to not have all the content because they're trying to get some of that used sale market. That's what they're doing. It's such a fucking shady business, man.

No, no, it is like there is sort of nothing worse than these giant video game companies trying to fuck people over. And look, I know that there are people... Okay, it goes giant video games trying to fuck people over, Sophie's choice. Sophie's choice. And the Holocaust that led to Sophie to make that choice.

That's my number, those are my top three problems. In that order, yeah. In that order. It's just like, you know, look, You Gamer, you fucking Gamergate kids can bitch you all you want about like some lady that may or may not have had more sex than you've ever had in your life to may or may not get a review that blah blah blah. But it's like, why don't you fucking go after EA for causing, for like having this always on stupid bullshit? There are soldiers fighting for our freedom in Iraq and Afghanistan and they can't use their Xboxes and they can't use their PlayStation because they have these games that require some sort of bull. shit always on connection.

Like, you need it always on connection to play SimCity 4. Oh, yeah, there's this, all this rich content out there. Oh, the internet. Oh, my computer could never hold all these fucking fake buildings and monster attack. Oh, it's just all this crap. You're probably going to have to cut all that out. No. None of us.

That's staying in. I'm going to double it. I'm going to play that double back to back. Okay. All right. Asteroos, let's get to a problem. Let's get to a real problem. Yeah.

No, let's get to the first problem, which is probably not going to be a real problem. Oh, wait, and before we do, last week, you guys, you guys bamboozled me to saying zombies and zombie apocalypse planners. That was our fault. You fucked. Yeah. Here's why I didn't even want zombies on the list because zombies aren't real and they're not a problem. Yeah, unlike zombie apocalypse planners.

Which actually, I sure you're right. By the way, I didn't even get, I forgot to mention this in that episode, but the zombie apocalypse planters, like, this shit is getting so out of hand. People are dying at parties. Because someone will get too drunk and they'll think a zombie. Someone dresses zombies real. Yeah, it's happened multiple times. It happened in Oregon at a party.

It happened in, I believe, in Austin at a party. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yeah, people are thinking these zombies are real, and they pick up a shotgun and blast them. They blast their friends. They kill people at parties. It's fucking insane. These zombie apocalypse pletters.

That's the repercussion. You know what? I'll say, on the flip side, first prize costumes. Because if those costumes weren't good. You know, when you get that spray of pellets in your chest, Yeah. That's like saying, well done. That's one of the best affirmations you can got.

Because the thing is, like, we all want to be spooktacular. Everyone wants to be spooktacular. Okay, yeah, that's the gold standard for Halloween. That's some fucking spooky shit. Good for those guys. When I die, I want to die having scared the shit out of somebody. Yeah. I'll be on the ground.

I'll go, worth it. Bleeding, bleating buckshot, bleeding from your buckshot wounds. Yeah, bleeding from my 40 tiny wounds. Yeah. Not my one big wound. That's a shit shot. That's a shit way to go, man. Yeah, I know.

All right, buddy. Let's do this. Well, speaking of the video games. All right, let's get to the first problem. My first problem is... There we go. My first problem is cowardly perverts. Cowardly perverts.

Cowardly perverts. I mean, I consider myself a pervert. Not cowardly. Not cowardly. Yeah, exactly. we're both perverts. The three of us are perverts. We like a pretty-looking lady.

I love it. Even if we're on a ladder and we're looking at her through a pair of spy glasses, we like a pretty-looking lady, right? That's what a pervert does. Exactly. We like to bring a cell phone into a lady's bathroom, leave it recording for a few hours, pick it up later, and just do what God's...

What? I'm sorry? You're a creep. You're a creep. We're a creep. Right, exactly. I'm a creep. You're a creep.

Oh, sure. We're all creeps. All right. It's like the song from the Good Burger movie. Joan, how does that song go? I'm a dude. I'm a dude. You're a dude.

Oh, I'm a creep. You're a creep. We're all creep. You know, the Good Burger movie. Anyway, cowardly perverts. Now, here's the thing. There's this new game out called Metal Gear Solid 5. And it has a character in it who runs around in a bikini top and ripped leggings.

She murders people with a sniper rifle. Cool. And she never, ever talks to the point where her name is literally quiet. Oh. Now, this is every man's dream girl. Yeah, this sounds amazing. So let's let me go over this checklist. Okay, she's super gorgeous.

Yep, huge breasts. She's an assassin. Yep. This is like already my dream girl. She's Asian. You can talk Asian, oh my God. Plus five. Plus five, there you go.

And then what else? She doesn't talk. Already. And then she doesn't talk. Talk on top of that? It's like, here, you won the lottery and also you're dating the hottest girl in the world. Exactly. And she's not dating you because you won the lottery.

She's dating you for your personality. Oh, my gosh. And that's a big win. That's just never happened. I can't even imagine what that's like. So now, this character sounds great. But here's the reason why she's naked all the time. Here's the reason why she can only wear a bikini top.

She can, and this is going to be a spoiler for Metal Gear Solid 5 kids. So just, I don't know, fast forward to Maddox problem if you don't want to hear it. She could only wear a bikini top because clothes poison her. What? Clothes poison her. There's a moment in the game where someone puts clothes on her and she starts to suffocate because she breathes through her skin. Also, she can't talk because if she talks, A virus will kill her.

I'm absolutely not kidding if she talks a virus will kill her. And this is what I mean by cowardly perverts. This is the most contrived way I have ever heard to get a woman naked. And not talking. Yeah. It's like someone bending over backwards, bending over further backwards so that they can justify their perv choice. It's like, look, if you want to put a hot chick in a video game running around to the bikini top, just do it.

Just own it. I'm a purve. I like to jerk off to video game characters. Just own it. Be a man about it or a woman about it. Be a person about it. Don't be a fucking coward about it. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. If you're going to be a perv, own it. Don't be like, oh, actually, there's a very good plot motivated reason for this bikini-clad lady. to run around and not talk you see she's been given a nanovirus and uh i'm afraid that her skin is her dermal layer is how she breathed oxygen it's like fuck you fuck you for being such a goddamn coward about this just say yeah you know what i put a hot lady in my game because i like to jerk off hi i'm a high high dieo kojima the guy that created the metal gear series oh well you know what a serious okay look the uh the purviness thing i get they're just

being pervy and they're trying to justify it somehow in the plot. That's super contrived. But Konami is a shit show right now. Real shit show. Tell me about it. I don't know about this. Well, it's awful. They basically closed their doors forever. Oh, God.

Really? I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, buddy. So I was in Vegas for a month, about a month ago. And I was shooting this game show. And every now and then I'd pop into a casino and just check out, you know, peruse the floor. And it's awful and it's depressing. as I remember.

So, but I was walking along and I saw these, these, something I never saw, I never thought I would see on a slot machine. And it is the Contra logo. What? And you're, it's exactly the contra you're thinking about, the old Nintendo Contra. Spread gun. Spread gun. Machine gun, flamethrower, laser.

Canami Code. The Konami code. It's all there and it's on a fucking slot machine. Konami has closed its doors to video games and moved completely to, uh, and slot machines. That's all they're doing anymore. Oh, God. And I think it's just a big cash grab

because they realize they have all this IP that they can piss away making slot machines. There's a Silent Hill slot machine coming out. I played the stupid Contra one. Yeah, I won seven bucks, but fuck it, it's not worth it. Right, to see the property that you loved as a kid turned into like this thing that rips off old people. Oh, man.

You're absolutely right. That's not worth it. It's so sad. It's so sad. So I think that the quiet not talking is less, it's contrived for sure, but it's more to do, it's more to do with Konami being cheap skates

than anything else. They're trying to save a buck. That's great. I think that's one less voice actress. We need to hire a way to go. One less voice actress, fewer royalties they have to pay out. They don't have to worry about casting

and all that shit and craft services when they have voice actors come in for their, you know, a couple hours of work that they deal with. Exactly for their whole thing. Yeah, the Keeper Sutherland's, whatever,

whatever take the key for shut down to the room. I'll think the saddest thing I ever saw at a casino was someone was playing an Ellen slot machine. Oh, I've seen it, yeah. Exactly. And it's like, you know, look, you pull the lever and if you get the, if you get the right thing, she dances around and blah, blah, blah. Ellen loves to dance. Anyway, I saw someone screaming at an Ellen slot machine, why are you doing this to me? Why are you fucking me like this?

to an L in Slop Machine. And I was just like, I think I have to leave this casino immediately. Oh, man. It's so depressing. I know. All the Slot Machine's good. There's a Ghostbusters fucking slot machine now, man.

Look, on top of the Ghostbusters franchise, already gone to shit because they've decided to make gender a gimmick in their fucking movie. Wait a minute. Yeah. I actually, I'm not kidding. I know the woman who's writing Ghostbusters 2. I know there. I saw her today at a coffee shop.

shop? Yeah. She looks really hot. She is. She is. And she's delightful. No, she's super cool. She's a wonderful woman. Look, I think Ghostbusters 3 could be good. Because I think Paul Feag's a good director. And I'm not one of those people that's like, oh, the Ghostbusters need to be men. Like

fucking gender swap everything. Who gives a shit? I'll tell you. Let's give it a chance. You know it was bad. Ghostbusters 2. Ghostbusters 2 was bad. It was. If Ghostbusters 3 is worse than Ghostbusters 2, I will be super duper surprised. Let him fucking give it a shot who gives a shit.

Let the lady Ghostbusters run around and bust ghosts. Who cares? There hasn't been a Ghostbusters movie in 20 years. Just give him a fucking chance. Oh, okay. I hadn't thought about that as serious. Oh. Here comes Maddox's bullshit bridging statement before he plays a sound drop.

No, that was really thoughtful. I actually hadn't thought about that. Maybe you've changed my mind. I think you may have changed my mind. Oh, thank you. Do you have something called Asteroos versus Asteroos ready to go? What the fuck are you up to, Maddox? And can I have more of your whiskey, please?

Thank you so much. Help yourself. But I was just wondering, you know, that's a really thoughtful argument I hadn't considered. I was wondering if you could do me a favor and bend over so I can put this rhetorical torpedo right up your ass, buddy. Ben over and puck her up, because here it comes, all right? In the original Ghostbusters, the gimmick was that they're exterminators, right? They're firemen. They're exterminators, except the pests they're exterminating are ghosts.

Oh, wow. In the original Ghostbusters, the 400-page script that Dan Aykroyd wrote, he specifically was saying, I want them to be like firemen, but for ghosts. It is why they're in a firehouse. Fine. You know what? That's the gimmick. They're firemen.

Also, in the original script of Ghostbusters, the third act involves them going to hell and fighting the devil. Dan Aykroyd apparently wrote the original, I'm not kidding, 400-page script to Ghostbusters, while on every drug the 80s had to offer. But I apologize, please continue Maddox. You know what? They edit. That's what editing is for. That's what Harold Ramis is for. They fixed it.

It was a great movie. Incredible movie. I would say, like a 99% perfect movie. There's like nothing. What would you change about go? Oh, you would make the ghost blow job longer? Okay, I agree with that. Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so that's the original Ghostbusters. Cool movie, cool gimmick. Yeah. But Paul Fieg, is it Figue or Figue? Either one. They know who we're talking about. Figue, Figue, Fogg Fong, whatever. That guy, he came out, he had the audacity to come out and just blatantly say,

I thought it would be interesting to have everybody a woman. Everybody in the cat. So he set out. as gender as his gimmick. So everything else is secondary in this movie. And I've seen this cast picture of the Ghostbussers. It's all women. Oh, yeah, women, women, women.

But you know what? I feel like if I was a woman, I would feel insulted to be working on the set because if I'm going to get hired for a job, I want to know that I was hired because I'm the best and most qualified person and I beat out other people who are equally qualified. But he set out to make a movie with women, and that's his gimmick. Yeah, you know what? It is interesting that there are four women ghostbusters.

Why is that interesting? Well, let me back up and say that if I were a woman, if I were a female comedian who wanted to act in a movie, I think the last thing I would do is be like, I'm not going to take this role. It's insulting. Like, I definitely won't audition for the all-female ghostbusters. Boo earned. This sort of, oh, what's the word? This sort of affirmative action will not stand.

Take your money and give it to a white man, thanks. But the second thing I'll say is, look, if you're watching four male Ghostbusters out there, if you're watching, I don't know, let's say Seth, let's say Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, what's his fucking name with the fucked up brother, James Franco, and James Franco's fucked up brother. All right, let's say those four of the ghostbuster, you're going to be looking at them the whole time, you're going to be thinking like, yeah, these guys are not as good as my heroes. Yeah. And you're going to be looking at them the whole time. Yeah, these guys aren't as good as the people who I literally owned the toys of. Right. The real Ghostbusters cartoon was run by Jay Michael Strzinski, a Oscar Award nominated screenwriter

who created Babylon 5. Jay Michael Trisinski is like one of the greatest sci-fi writers of our time. And that's the guy they put in charge of the cartoon. Almost all the Ghostbusters canon, except for Ghostbusters 2, is this kind of like brilliant thing. And you're going to be watching them the whole time. You're like, yeah, that guy's not as fucking as funny as Peter Venkman. That guy's not as funny as Ray Stans.

That guy's no, that guy's no Egon Span. You can put all the glasses you want on him. That girl's not as hot as Janine. I want a hot Janine. How come, uh, what, hey, Joan, what's the name of the girl from Parks and Rec? Which one? The girl, the young girl. Bobby Plaza?

Yeah, you're going to be like, okay, Aubrey Plaza's the new Janine. She's not nearly as hot as Annie Pot. Like, I know that. Did you say hi to her? Uh, no, I don't know if she recognized me.

That's bullshit. Um, that's the problem with casting male Ghostbusters. With female Ghostbusters, they have the, they have the opportunity to fail or succeed on the strength of the script in the direction and the acting.

Oh. That's, look, that's just how I feel. Interesting. The interesting casting, though, is Melissa McCarthy as slimer. Ha ha ha ha.

Sean, you don't talk often, but when you do, it's always gold. Good job, Sean. You know, Asterius, that's a really good point. I really appreciate your argument. That actually may have changed my mind. I think that was really smart. Moving on to more pervert. You know what, Dickhead?

Here's the thing. They already did this, Asterios. They already, you know what, let's make a Ghostbusters cartoon. Who cares? Are you talking about Ghostbusters extremes? He was like a goddamn ghostbuster in a wheelchair. That's the one! James Purses he didn't run ghostbusters in street.

He was running Babylon 5. If you like Cincinnati, God-jam it, Maddox! Yeah, yeah, let's make one of them a Latino, and let's make one of them a woman with purple hair. She's a gamer. Let's make one of them in a wheelchair. Ah, fuck it, let's make one of them half ghost and half human. Oh, who gives a shit? Let's include everyone.

Let's make one of them a fucking hamster. one of them a mute, let's make one of them a blind, one of them doesn't have arms, let's make someone who, an illegal immigrant. Oh God, oh God, help us that we have representation in our media. I'm so sorry it's not the 90s, where everything is four white straight men running around solving everyone's problems. Yeah, okay, the 90s went overboard. I'll completely give you the fact that the planetaires like probably wouldn't be friends.

Like, I totally... But like, look, we need some sort of representation in the media. Why? First of all, two questions. Oh, why? Because our entertainment industry should reflect humanity. But as Stereos, it does. I looked at, like, they were complaining that only, like, 17% of the Oscar nominees were black. Like, last time, I'm like, well, yeah, that's actually not representative because there's only 13% blacks in the population.

So that's, like, right along lines of where it's... Should be. Way to go, badderick. Way to put those blacks in their place. No, but how many? That's the hill you're going to die on. That's the hill you're going to die on. You know what?

Fuckface, here's the thing I'm tired of, okay? Because all these, it's always women bitching the loudest, and it's straight white women. I'm tired of here straight white males. You know what? Women aren't allowed to pitch about shit because when women bitch about shit, they get fired. Here's what women have to do. No, they don't. No, they have to shut up and eat their feelings, and that's where Kathy comes.

comes from. Yeah. Look, man, I wouldn't know about Kathy, but here's the thing. All, it's always, it's always straight white women who are bitching about, oh, we don't, we don't, we're not winning, we're not winning enough Oscars, we don't have enough jobs. How, how many times are they complaining that not enough Korean representation or not enough Chinese representation? Or how about Inuits? Or how about Indonesians? How about Vietnamese? How about all these fucking people? How about one out of every six people in the world, or actually two out of every seven people in the world are either Chinese or Indian,

how many of them do we have represented in the Oscars? Yet the women are all, and they're not fighting their battles. They're like, me, me, me. It's always their battles. Look, if we want to talk about representation, shouldn't we first talk about the people who are almost never represented?

How many male Asian actors leads are there in Hollywood? You're going to play women for that? No. I mean, here's the thing. Like, you can't, I would, you know what, actually let me jump back for a second. I just want to say that this thing you've created is beautiful. It's this gorgeous thing.

He's got this great hat. He's got these funny arms. What are you talking about? This straw man you created. Yeah, yeah. It's fantastic. I just have to say the fact that you are saying that like, that's what everybody wants, not you.

Everybody. Everybody wants. the disenfranchised fighting amongst themselves for whatever scraps are given to them by old white corporate men like yeah okay you know every time someone puts out the gender gap statistic that says women get paid 78% of what men paid uh what men get paid and uh whether or not you agree with that statistic is sort of immaterial to what i'm about to say someone will then say that latino women get paid even less. And African-American women get paid even less. And, you know, the LGBT community may get, may get paid even less. And it's like, yeah, we can slice and dice this shit. But while all the

minorities are fighting, all the old white rich men are fucking living up on their yachts. Like, that's what they want. Like, you and me are on the same team, Maddox, we don't like all this corporate bullshit. Right. Like, so when women fight amongst them, it's like we shouldn't be trying to pit minorities against each other, is all I'm saying. They're not minorities. They're the majority of the population.

Women are literally the majority of the population. And he keeps saying straight white, man. Like, the original Ghostbusters, one of them was black. I mean, that's 25% that statistically higher? Oh, yeah. Oh, you mean that guy that was introduced like in the middle of the third act so they can explain how the ecot containment. system worked. Yeah, they originally wanted

Eddie Murphy, they couldn't get him. So here's the thing, though. Like, with the wage gap thing, I think it's so disingenuous because they keep saying that men make 22% more on average, but they're only looking at men and aggregate. Did you know that Asian men make more than

all other men? Why aren't they comparing them to Asian men? You have no idea how much I know about the wage gap. I know so much about the wage gap. But listen, The wage cap is indicative, I think, of a larger problem, which is that in our society, women have it harder. And listen, and listen, whether or not, look, whether or not women make 78% of what a man makes,

look, that's going to be up for debate for the rest of our lives. No, it's not. It's not debatable. It's on politifact.org. It's done. Listen, and I've read that Politifact article. When I say it's going to be up for debate, I guess what I mean to say is people will be debating it.

Because look, there's political capital to be made by the debate that, you know, you can go out and raise money on one end of it to raise money on the other end of it. People are going to be using it as a crutch or whatever. But listen, the thing is, I mean, can't you, do you just, do you disagree that, like, generally speaking, women have it harder on society than men? In certain aspects for sure. Yeah. Like, men don't have to worry about looking over their shoulder when they're walking to their right. Yeah. Men don't have to worry about constantly getting date raped.

Yeah. Man don't have to worry about assault as much. If we got day raped, that would be the best date ever. Hello? I didn't even have to pay for it. Thanks. There's a number of things that men just don't have to worry about. Yeah.

Look, look, I'm not, this isn't one of those things to say, like, oh, men are monsters and women are saints. I mean, look, obviously, we're all human beings. But I just think that like the wage gap statistic speaks to a larger rage and injustice. Women do have it a little bit harder than us. They have to... Oh, buddy. I agree with you like 90% of the way there. Yeah, we're, we, we, there is some common ground here.

That's what I'm saying. But, but here's the thing. I just, I just saw this article come out in, uh, mike.com. Mike.com is always talking about this. They're always saying, uh, hey, wage gap this, wage gap, that there's, they're talking about how Iceland is now considered the most feminist country on. earth because they just passed legislature that allowed women to walk around topless. Great. I'm all for that.

You're allowed to do that in New York, by the way. What's that? You're allowed to do that in New York City. Yeah, you're allowed to do that in New York and you should be because there shouldn't be that double standard. No, there absolutely shouldn't be. And listeners, I'd like you to go to the New York Topless Book Club, which is a group of women in New York who go to Central Park, take their tops off, and read books.

It's a wonderful society. I've seen it. It's pretty awesome. Pretty good. Are we getting back to perverts? We are. I'm drunk, we're having fun. This is an interesting, look.

So Iceland, the most feminist country on earth, right? Awesome, awesome. So they're touting all their great statistics. You know what percentage, the number of female women who have house, excuse me, who have seats? As opposed to male women, yes. I'm sorry. What I meant to say is, here, let me. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, their house has, I think, It has something like 63 women on it. It's like one of the largest female legislatures in the world. They have the birth rate is on parity, one man, one boy, one female to every male that is born. Like, everything is parity right across the board. The one statistic they didn't talk about, interestingly enough, is the wage gap. You know what it is in Iceland, the most feminist country on earth where women are controlling legislature?

80%. Oh, that's interesting. Why the fuck is at 80% in the most feminist country where women are dominant where women are ruling? Because it's fucking not true. They're not looking at equal jobs. They're not looking at equal pay rates. They're not looking at equal experience.

They're not looking at equal time spent. They're not looking at tenure. They're not looking at experience. They're not looking at the same metrics. They're just taking averages. It's fucking stupid. That's all it is. Iceland, if Iceland, the most feminist country

has the same wage gap as America then it's fucking not true, dude. It's just not. Look, buddy, I didn't come on here to argue the wage gap with you. I know. Because the thing, no, look, we ended up to, the thing is, it's just, again, I'll say that I believe the wage gap outrage speaks to a larger injustice. I think if, I think if, yeah. Again, with the injustice word, right?

Injustice implies that there is some wrong being committed. women have higher job satisfaction than men across the board. Where is the injustice? If women are complaining about it, I don't have female friends who are like, oh, man, I really hate my job because I don't get paid enough. I just don't hear it. I'm not debating the wage gap statistics.

But what I'm saying is when you're a woman in the workplace, if you act like confident, you're called bossy. And if you act proud, you're called bitchy. and if you tell people what to do, you're called the C word. Whereas like if you're a guy, and look, this is just my experience. This is just,

you could say this is generalization, that's fine. But like, I just feel like, specifically in the workplace, women have it harder because they have to do this thing where they got to be like everybody's mom

or everybody's big sister, everybody's friend, but they also have to get the bottom line, but this but that. Like, I feel like men have more of a, more agency because if a guy is running around telling people what to do,

he's in authority, he's in control, he's commanding, he's brilliant. And if a girl's doing that, she's crazy. You know, something that Tina Faye said was like, was, uh, Tina Faye said that like, when they call a woman difficult, it just means that no one wants to fuck her anymore. And I was like, that's brilliant Tina Faye. That's exactly right. Because it's like, you know, when you think about,

for example, female directors, you know, like, Penelope Spiris, like, why is it that someone like Stephen Spielberg gets to direct 40 movies over 40 years, and there are all these fantastic female directors and they get to direct like one or two when they're done? And it's just, I don't know. I just feel like there's a larger sexism at play in a lot of the business world. And I feel like an easy way to express that rage is to complain about the wage gap. Yeah. I wish it was more honest.

I wish that was another way. Well, yeah. But here's the thing. I mean, come on. We all want things to be correct. Well, sure. But here's the bottom line. And you're talking to a guy who has hired men and women for the same projects.

Yeah, Leah, you've hired Leah a million billion times. And she's an incredible artist. We did a comic book together. We split the proceeds. The same thing with all my, the other illustrators I've hired for my books and things. Like, I pay the women the exact same as men. Obviously, I'm an egalitarian. I absolutely believe in that.

But I guess the question here is, well, I guess here's what I'm trying to say. We now live in a world where we have YouTube and we have the Internet and we have our own means to create and put out whatever we want out there. And I can't wait to see what this new world brings because if it's truly sexism that's holding women back, and some of it may be, I know for sure that there are sexist guys out there. And, you know, and there's different degrees of sexism, too. But if that's no longer the case, if we are no longer beholden to, quote, the rich, straight white man to, as the gatekeepers to let women into the club, well, then this is a brave new era, a brave new world where we have women who have nothing inhibiting them to create their own content. And I look forward to it.

And one of my favorite YouTubers, probably my favorite YouTuber, is just, Jenna Marbles. Jenna, I don't know if you've seen her stuff. I know, Jenna. Of course I do. Yeah. She's fucking famous.

She's fantastic. She's on billboards and shit. Yeah. Another thing I will say, though, there's a stigma against women comedians. And I will say... Yeah, that's the thing. It sucks. It's harder for women than it is for men.

You know what, though? I don't... I don't... Look, it's not fun to talk about that shit. Like, I would so much rather get pissed off at women and complain about them for being bitches and complain about them for not wanting to... to date me and complain about them for finding me fat for some reason.

But it's like, you know, but it's just like, look, generally speaking, women have it harder than men. And if women are complaining about shit, yeah, it's really easy to hear them go like, but it's like, yeah, mac, yak, yeah, okay, but it's like, uh. Sometimes they have a point. So all I'm saying is sometimes they have a point. But listen, I think YouTube is the perfect example. I was just using your bathroom earlier tonight to pee out some of the whiskey I've been

drinking. And you have a, you have an award above your toilet that says, like, closet. Exit stage left. Maddox has an award in his bathroom above the toilet that says, congratulations, 100,000 YouTube subscribers. It's like a silver YouTube logo, and it's adorable. And it's like, I think YouTube is a perfect example because there are all these incredibly

funny, talented, kind of hot. Like you two women out there and they're doing it, they're fucking. doing it. They've got millions and millions of followers and they're making content and people responding to it. So it's, I mean, isn't that the perfect example of when you give the means of production to the artists, other artists rise? You know, artists that maybe you don't expect to rise. I hope so, but I also don't care. Look, all I care about, all I care about personally is making a little bit of dough ring meat. That's all I care about personally. You know, speaking of making some dough, uh,

Asteroz, have you ever used Harry's razors? Yeah, you bought me... You may have forgotten this, but you bought me a kit for my birthday. Thanks, Maddox. You're welcome and happy birthday, buddy. You're just buying so much shit for people that you've... All right, I'll let you do the re. Harry's high-quality German-engineered blades are crafted for sharpness and precision.

Did you know that? They're high-quality German-engineered... They're German-engineered blades. Look, I'm not sure if you've heard this, but they like the blaine so much. they bought the factory? They did. They're half the price of big-name drugstore brands, free shaping straight to your door.

Chill that. I'm so sorry. I had something caught in my throat. Yeah. Well, maybe you can shave your throat with this Harry's razor. Yep, a nice sharp German razor. Harry's.com was started by two guys passionate about creating a better shaving experience,

and I'm sure you're wondering how exactly is that shaving experience happened, right? Harry's bought that blade factory in Germany, as we mentioned. By cutting out the middleman, they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. They ship the blades right to your door at factory direct prices. It's pretty amazing. Guys, the code is biggest problem. Just go to, you get $5 off your first purchase with the code biggest problem. And after using the code, you can get an entire month's worth of shaving for just $10.

I mean, that's incredible. Absolutely. You get the razor. You get the gel. You get everything. I mean, that's a really good price. I don't shave every day because I like to look a little dangerous. if you know what I mean.

You do look dangerous. Well, thank you. That and the giant knife I'm holding. But I do want to say, I mean, I really like Harry's products because they've kind of turned shaving from a chore into like this fun little thing. And Harry's sort of has the competition on the run. I'm not sure if you've heard of this. I'm not going to name names. But really big names in the shaving industry are starting like small.

small internet shave subscription services in order to try to undercut Harry's. So they're really doing something right. Yeah, everyone is trying to compete with Harry's right now. Harry's has a really good model. They're doing something right. And our fans love it. Yeah. Guys, thank you for supporting the show.

Again, go to harries.com. The code is the biggest problem. We'll link to it. It really helps the show. Thank you, Harry's for sponsoring us. But now it's time to get to a real problem. Oh, wait. Oh, sorry.

I'm so sorry. I want to give you a little more hairy shit that you can edit in if you want or not. Sure. All right, cool. You know, listeners, maybe you're those guys that, like, have a beard, have a mustache, and you hear that complaint all the time, like, oh, you know, from the wife or the girlfriend, like, oh, when you kiss me a titio, this or this or that. Like, you know, do something for the woman in your life. Get yourself a hairy shave kit.

You know, clean that stuff up a little bit. We expect women to look like friggin models all the time. How about you just shave? Like, how about you do the lady a solid and you shave like a couple of times a week? And if you're going to do it, I think you should use Harry's. Hey, that's true. That's absolutely true. The women appreciate it.

Yeah. And the men appreciate it. Well, yeah. Because it looks fucking good. But I also, I have a, I have a friend, a gay friend who appreciates the tickle. All while luck. Different strokes for different folks I would recommend Harris personally

Just that's all I'm saying Thank you As seriously again it's harrys.com The code is biggest problem Thanks for still bringing the show Guys, let's get to a real problem Biggest problem in the universe this week is Virginity shaming

Yeah All right I'm on board already As a 21 year old virgin I'm super on board with this Lies All right No I'm fly

Oh, God. You cannot pass as a virgin, buddy. Well, I'm not 21, so don't worry about it. But I definitely didn't have sex until after I left college, and it was definitely a source of shame for me, so I want to hear this. Oh, well, this may be for you then. This is really interesting. Okay, so I brought in the problem shame, shaming a long time ago

because I feel like shaming is a good thing sometimes. Yeah, it can help people. It can help people. Some good, constructive things can come from shaming. Yeah, the anti-vax movement got squashed. Yeah, I mean, at least they drove them underground from shaming. Good. Yeah, thank God.

And I'm sorry for all the libertarians whose feelings were heard about that. I got an email. You said you had never mentioned them again. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on week three of him digging his own grade. That was an apology. That was an apology.

I feel bad that the libertarians got, you know, they got their little movement squash. Listen to him just dripping with shittiness. I know. I know. It won't say to Maddox. I do want to hear about this Virginia stuff. I love me so much. I'm so good.

All right. As literally the person who, like, if you open up the dictionary and look up the word virgin, my picture would be there. I do want to hear what you have to say. Good. This is from, I got an email from a throwaway account. It's John Smith. So it's fake email. But he says, hey, Maddox, sorry about the throwaway email.

I'm a professional. I can't risk having too much of a personality. Virginity stigma, virginity shaming, one of those. He said that this should be a problem on the show. So thank you, John Smith, the anonymous, whoever you are. He says there are a lot of reasons for being a virgin. Poor social skills, not being around a lot of girls, not being able to manage school and work and a social life, etc.

The stigma is bad. It makes it even harder for those people who do make an effort to get laid. The stigma is so bad that even after you lose it, the fact that you got it in the game, excuse me, the fact that you got in the game late is a point of shame. Yeah, for me. Regardless of what's happened since, I'll always be a bit weird because I can't talk about girls I banged in high school

or a university. It's bullshit. I can't either. Oh my God. You also have to understand that the average teenager is a filthy fucking liar. That's true, Sean. Not all of these kids are doing what they say they're doing. No, I know. Did I write that?

Did I get drunk and write that email to you? Because that's my entire life story in an email. John Smith. Yeah, so I looked into it, actually. There's this article on TheAtlantic.com. It says, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, The average age, Americans lose their virginities, what would you guess? You know what?

Today? 17? Yeah. Eight. In Jared's dreams, buddy. It's actually 17. 17, you're right. It's 17 for both men and women.

The CDC also reports that virgins make up 12.3% of females and 14.3% of males aged 20 to 24. That number drops below 5% for both male and female virgins, aged 25 to 29. and goes as low as 0.3% for virgins aged 40 to 44. But they're out there. Yeah. Aged 40 to 44 of virgins that are out there. So this psychologist have started looking into this to see what kind of effect this has on people because it does have an effect.

They found that the median age, I think, is about 22. Yeah, here it is. According to a study published in the American Journal of Public Health, survey respondents who lost their virginities late, a mean age of 22 more frequently reported sexual problems than those who lost it at a normative age, a mean age of 17.5 in the study. These sexual problems include having trouble reaching orgasm, maintaining an erection, and becoming sexually aroused.

Yeah. So the longer you wait past the age 22, the more likely it is for you to have sexual dysfunction. Oh, my God. Well, that completely makes sense because you're just so anxious about it and so nervous and like... So you're just throwing more pressure on these poor bastards. Yeah.

Well, that's the problem. That's why this is a good problem because it's like, oh, my God, the longer you're a virgin, the more and more and more stress it costs. It's terrible. People build sex up into this incredible thing in their minds that is the be-all, end-all of their existence. Yes, exactly. Right. I abstain from sex for a long time because I thought, well, I grew up in a very conservative town.

I grew up with conservative parents in the most conservative state in the United States. Utah's a very red state. It's very religious. very pious, very sanctimonious. Yeah, you and I were actually raised very similarly. Where did you grow up, Sean? You grew up in California. No, I grew up in here, but I grew up in the same type of, like, church environment that you did.

I grew up in a very rural town in New York. But one thing I didn't do was go to Make Out Point and fuck with people's fans. That's where we made different. Yeah, I did that. I did that, and I'm proud of it. That was a fun prom night. Yeah, okay, I was a dick. I remember to the point I dated, I dated this girl.

My first, one of my first girlfriends I ever dated was a nymphomaniac. And this isn't, this isn't my label that I'm giving her. It's her own label. And also it's like one of those things where you hear a girl say, oh, I'm a nympho. And you're like, okay, shut off. What does that even mean? Oh, she was, man. Like, if I ever went over to her house, I would, if I wasn't paying attention for more than like a minute, 30 seconds, I look around, I don't see.

her face is in my junk. Like it was really bad. Like she would, yeah, it was, she was, she, she, she, she had a subscription to both penthouse and Playboy. Okay. It was pretty awesome, like, you know, to an extent. But, but, because I was in this conservative environment, I didn't quite know what to do with that.

And it was kind of a source of, uh, of stress in the relationship. And, you know, it was one of those things where I was always told to wait for the right woman and that's what you should do and those are you know that's those are the values the conservative values that they give you you should wait to the right woman one man one-to-one that's it blah blah blah blah blah when i finally did lose my virginity i i was done with it and i thought huh okay well time to play video like that's it i didn't care yeah it wasn't this magical moment for me it was just kind of like i was masturbating with someone's vagina oh well okay i was you have no idea idea how on board I was with you

until you said I just use this chick's vagina that jerk myself off and then I decided to play catamari let's see how big I can't make this katamari god damn it the thematicseous thing if only Dick was here with a

bag of sand holy shit look look I'll be honest when I lost my virginity you know I think it was 21 I was out of college I like Yeah it wasn't this incredible thing I was just like okay

All right Yeah I'm not a virgin anymore It doesn't change you as a person Yeah that's that's well I mean Unfortunately my brother My brother said one time he said It just makes you a little more confident

In the locker room Oh God It doesn't change you as a person It just makes a little more confident In the locker room Because it means you can like talk with a straight face About having had sex Right

But yeah but I mean it Like the The chasm between having had sex and being able to have sex is huge. So it's like, you know, the first time you have sex, the fifth time, it's like all these early experiences, they're just, they're not going to be fun, you know? It's sort of the way it is. Yeah, your first time's not going to be great.

That's why when I was talking to Dick, Dick, Dick's a vehement defender of having sex in high school, which he's like, oh, it's the best. I think it's the worst. If I could have had sex in high school, I would have. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, to be attractive and confident enough to have had sex in high school, that would be the best.

It's sloppy, dude. It's sloppy. It's not good. Yeah, you know how you find out if it's sloppy or if it's good or not if you have had sex in high school. And there's a guy who, again, did not have sex until after college. I, look, I'm jealous of that shit. Yeah, you know what? The only advantage to having sex in high school is the bodies, especially,

especially a female, look, I'm a guy. I've never had sex with a guy, so I have no, no. And I don't, and I don't, I'm not curious. But as a guy, having sex with a woman in high school, like, you know, like, it, like an 18-year-old, you know, near the end of the spectrum when they're actually women. Yeah. Their bodies are very firm. Like, there's everything's like, everything's... Just find a 35-year-old who's into CrossFit. It's the same shit. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Well, so anyway, man, the whole stigma about it. They talk. They talked to this guy who had a problem with, you know, losing his virginity in this article. He abstained from sex because he had low self-esteem. This guy, which he says heightened after learning about his sinful nature at church. Oh. He didn't want to be ostracized from his Christian family and friends. And he didn't want to prematurely ejaculate while messing around, which had happened to him once in college, so he didn't have sex until he was 28.

What eventually made him feel ready was practicing orgasmic meditation, which entails, stroking a woman's clitoris for 15 minutes. Oh. The class which he joined after hearing it about, excuse me, hearing about it from a friend, eased this guy, his name is McDormann, into being sexual in a permissible environment where he felt safe. Soon after, he lost his virginity to a girl in this community

and later met his current girlfriend. So this is one of those things where, yeah, if you abstain for too long and you get too insecure about your sexual, your sexual function, your sexual ability, or whatever it is, that it can manifest its sense. in all sorts of ways where you start to feel insecure about yourself. And it's such a taboo in our society to even talk about sex that people are even afraid to look for help or even know where to go to get it.

If I was not this drunk, I would absolutely not be talking about all this. I swear to God, I'm absolutely not kidding. Let's hear it. It's just, you know, it's the worst thing you can be in our society is a male virgin. Like, it's the worst. It means you're a dork. I mean, you know, the 40-year-old virgin, the reason that movie was such a huge hit and was a huge success was that we could all kind of identify with being like a loser. And, you know, the plot of that movie is in the title, the 40-year-old virgin.

The fact that that's different and weird enough to be a movie kind of speaks to the stigma you're talking about. Well, I mean, 40-year-old's ridiculous, man, go out there and get late. Oh, yeah, God damn it. You know, you know, I'm always surprised to learn when some of my male friends have used, have used a prostitute. Sure. You know, I don't, yeah, I'm always surprised to learn that. But I think if the alternative is sexual dysfunction later on in your life, look, do what you got to do to figure your shit out. Because if you're not getting laid, there's probably something not clicking with you and women.

You're not putting your best self out there. You're not communicating your confidence to women, which is attractive to them. Like a lot of guys... The thing is, you're good at this, Manix. And Dax... And Dick is good at this. Like, you're both good at this. You're both like...

Like, I've seen the girls you guys have dated. You're both so, so good at this. I'm the other side of the coin. I'm like this, like, this, like, fat, nervous guy. No, man. Oh, my God. No. If I had like an ounce of the confidence you two guys have, oh my Lord, I would run the table.

I mean, look, I just get, I'm so related to this problem because I just get nervous. I get scared. I'm glad. Yeah. I am glad that we are talking about this right now because I used to be this guy. I used to be this guy who was not confident, who was insecure, who was, I felt I was overweight. I'm practically bald. I'm balding, completely almost.

practically completely bald. And there's a lot of things that other guys have that I don't. They have more hair, they have more money, they have more status, they have more power, they have more charm, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, not the charm part. I'm the most charming thing. Well, no, obviously. Yeah, of course.

Of course. But here's the thing. That's, none of that shit matters because what the, you need to realize that what women are attracted to is that sense of confidence and the, the charisma and the energy that you put out, including. Your body language. I would recommend to any guy listening right now, and actually women, too,

because this is really important for women to put off the right body language as well as guys. Go out and get this book. I think it's called The Definitive Guide to Body Language. It's one of the most interesting books I've ever picked up. Look, it's not an exact science, and it's one of those things

where you hear an expert show on, like, the Dr. Phil show, and they're talking about body language, blah, blah, blah. It's not an exact science. But it's pretty damn accurate most of the time. You can read people's body language. I picked up this book and just flipped through a few pages thinking, I'll just read a couple pages and throw it down. I almost read the entire book in one sitting, which I rarely ever do.

It was such a fascinating book, and it changed things about me that even the way I'm talking, you guys can't see right now the way I'm talking right now. But look at my hands. Look at my hands hysterics. Like, I'm gesturing towards hysterios. He's making two middle fingers and it's weird. I don't like it, but I am attracted to you. Right? This book sounds great.

Drink up, buddy. have a double on me. Let's do it. Yeah, so. No, that's... I would, I actually will probably buy that on Kindle after this, after, after, I will probably buy that on Kindle after this episode because that sounds awesome, actually.

It's a great, but I'll link to it on the website, but that, uh, that book, that book helped change my life. Also, I'm like Mr. Slouch. I'm like a fucking walking slug. Like, whenever my mom sees me, she's always like, can you please stand up straight? And it's just like, oh, it's such a, it's such bad body language. It sends up this like, this this like defeated signal yeah i know exactly what you mean nobody wants that nobody wants to be around

that it's just it's depressing also if you're the type of person who's always complaining about shit and you're always in a bad mood and you're having a bad time guess what shithead nobody wants to be around you nobody wants to like what i even i as uh as negative and cantankerous as i am in my writing and my online videos and everything uh in real life when i'm around my friends i tone it down and I also try to be aware of the amount I'm bitching about shit. Because if I do it too much, I realize I try to put myself in their shoes and think, would they want to be hearing me bitch about this shit?

I have to say, like, the episode of this podcast where you talked about, I forget the exact problem, negative thinking. Self-defeating thoughts. Self-defeating thoughts. Where you said, like, whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, I just say, I'm doing great. I actually started doing that.

because for a very long time when people asked me how I was doing, I'd be like, I'm doing terribly. And I would just, you know, yeah, I would just start bitching right away, complaining this and this. You know, my best friends in the room, Joan. And like, you know, when we would talk on the phone, I would just start complaining about it. But then I heard that episode that you had,

and I was like, you know what, I'm going to start saying I'm doing okay. And after I did, my life started getting a little better. Like, I thought that was such, such good advice. That episode, the self-defeating thoughts episode, was just really helpful for me. Oh, thanks, buddy. I really appreciate that.

You know, I got so much email and voicemails and messages about that episode. Episode 67, if anyone's interested, go back and listen to Episode 67. We talked about self-defeating thoughts. Yeah, and again, as someone who doesn't have like, doesn't have like a steak unit or a dog in this fight, like you should listen to an episode was really good. Thanks, man. Yeah, that episode I got. so many emails from people saying it really helped them a lot. It was basically how I battled with my own depression in my 20s and how I was able to solve that problem for a long time.

I hadn't been depressed, I think, for 12 years after I solved that problem. So, yeah, that's a really important one if you guys care about that. But it really makes a huge difference. Your outlook makes a huge difference. Your body language makes a huge difference. The way you sit, nobody wants to be around a tombstone. You walk into a fucking bar, you look like you just slumped over, okay, whatever, bozo. I'm gonna go talk to that confident, handsome-looking Maddox in the corner. Strapping with a strapping long dong.

That's who I want to be friends with. What to munch that weaner. Jesus Christ. Chomp on the side. The side of my weaner. So our problems this week are cowardly perverts and virginity stigma.

This episode might hold the record for least amount of time talked about problems brought in by a host and guest host. This is incredible. We've spent like five minutes talking about these problems. All right, just one more thing from that Atlantic article. It says here that, so there are a number of reasons why people have virginity still. It's not just religion.

It's not just low self-confidence. Sometimes it's emotional abuse. Which can also lead to sexual abstinence. This was the case for designer Stacey B of Boston, whose father regularly told her as she was worthless and ugly. This made her distrust men. She's 39 now and lost her virginity at 37 after going to therapy for seven years. Stacey says her mother taught her that sex is special, a common reason that people wait, and she kind of believed it. Later, she realized that the emotional trauma she faced growing up caused her to keep her distance for men rather than the belief that

sex was special. She tells me over the phone that she never got a lot of attention from boys, not because she's unattractive, but because she put up walls. She wishes she had dealt with this a long time before becoming too old to have kids. It's kind of sad. If you're one of these people who you know your parents are abusive and toxic and they tell you things that aren't true about yourself

or they're putting you down, get out of dodge, man. Get out of dodge. It's hard to get out of these controlling cycles. The problem is some of them are more insidious and you don't really realize that they're fucking you up in the manner that they are. Because they're your parents. You think to yourself like, well, they have my best interest in heart.

I'm sorry, I'm a little drunk. They're your parents. You think they have my best interests at heart. You think they're looking out for me. They care about me. I mean, yeah, these patterns of emotional abuse are terrible. And I feel terrible for that poor woman. And then you grow up.

Especially because she was attractive. I mean, that's the worst thing. That's a tragic. Yeah. If an ugly girl weren't, oh, I'm sorry. I was going to say that, you know, when you grow up, you realize that your parents are completely flawed people too. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's why... They don't know what the fuck they're doing any more than you do. Exactly. Everyone else's parents but mine. Correct. Correct.

Your guys are both of your parents, but not my parents. My parents are great. Way back in episode one, this is the point I was trying to make that I feel like Dick wasn't even making an attempt to understand is that not everyone has the

has won the jackpot. Not everyone has the lottery, the parents' lottery that you do. Like, your parents are cool. your familial fabric is awesome. You have that safety net there because your family's awesome and they love you and they support you.

But sometimes you're born in a shitty family and you don't know who the fuck your dad is. Your dad is just a flawed individual. Don't wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm so sorry. You don't know that... Don't bring Dick's parents up. He's not here.

That's not... It's like we... We don't know how he grew up. I will say generally speaking, like, my parents were awesome and my parents were so, so nice, they were so, so sweet. I dated so many people who've been abused. I knew so many people who have been abused by their parents. And it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's terrible.

It ruins your whole goddamn life, you know. Right. Well, I'm just saying, like, my, I have friends, and Dick's one of them, who says he's had a good upbringing. Yeah. He has a, you know, he's had very few problems, I think. if he had any, but, like, my friends who have good families, right, they don't, I feel like they can't really quite grasp the gravity of the situation because your dad, right, is somebody

who led a path in life. And at some point during his life, he decided to have a kid, or maybe he didn't decide, it just happened. He may have been a fuck-up, which a lot of bad families, that's how it happens, because they weren't planning on it and it becomes this big source of stress and frustration and they don't want to raise the kid and they have to, to, they get thrown into this thing with this person that they weren't ready to settle down with. And that's sometimes the cause of a lot of source of frustration and anxiety and stress and families. So think, I want you guys to think, everyone listening right now, think of, think of one of your friends who's a fuck up. Yeah. Think of a friend who's a fuck up right now.

And imagine him being, or her being a parent. Yeah. Okay? Because that's exactly what happens to a lot of people who have shitty parents. Their friend, that fuck up friend of yours is one of those parents. That guy that you can't, that guy or girl, you can't even imagine being a parent right now. Sometimes they do become parents and those are the

shitty families that are raised and you don't have that fabric and then it becomes sometimes a toxic environment where they're abusive towards you, they're mentally or physically abusive towards you. You continue down this toxic environment. You have low self-esteem. You aren't able to think clearly. You're not able

to function properly, you're dysfunctional, you're not achieving your goals and you're beating yourself up over it. But really, if you take a step back and think and evaluate your life and take inventory of it, write it down, you realize maybe it's these people who I've blindly put my trust in

that don't have my best interest in heart. Well, I mean, I guess that's a really good takeaway from this episode. You know, if you feel uncomfortable, if you feel like there's maybe something wrong, you know, take inventory, take stock, give yourself a little self-audit, and, you know, see if these people who say they have your bench, see if these people who say they have your best interest at heart do. I mean, I think that's a really good point. Well, and that's a good point

too, because, you know, that doesn't absolve you of responsibility for doing something about it, if you're able to recognize it. You can't blame your parents the whole rest of your life. Sean, I, I, that's, that's a touchy one because sometimes people, do can get abused to the point where they aren't even able to recognize no totally agreed if you do though if you're actually able to take stock you can just get that little glimmer that door is open just a little bit okay then i'd like to give another bit of advice here for anyone who may be who may be dealing with this because i said earlier i see your point though yeah i said i said that you should take inventory of your life here's what i mean by that and this is this is actually there's study after study coming out about this now there's study after study coming out about this now where they're telling people to journal and write down everything they're thinking. And this is how you do it.

It's very therapeutic. It is immeasurably therapeutic. And they found that kids do this, think back about traumatic experiences they've had in completely different ways that are healthy rather than continually traumatic for them. So what you do is you have to have a moment of free writing where you sit down in front of your journal and you write everything completely. completely uncensored. And when I say uncensored, I mean fucking uncensored.

Write down your deepest, dirtiest, darkest thoughts. Everything you're afraid, anyone would ever know if they could peer into your head. Write that down. That's a written version of like classical psychoanalysis. It's the old laying on the couch stream of consciousness stuff. Oh, sure. Like that's not how most therapy works anymore. Oh.

But it's still done. Well, they say that the mechanism with which this works is that while you're writing, a lot of times you'll self-edit. And that self-editing process is what helps you deal with that trauma. You're able to deal with that trauma and create new mental pathways to think about those things. And once you've written it down, it frees your subconscious to think about something else. I've done it and it makes me feel immeasurably better after I do it. Because everything you're thinking about is just sitting there going through that feedback cycle inside your mind. Anything that upsets you, anything that bothers you, you're going to be thinking about.

thinking about it and you're subconscious. You just got dumped. You just lost your job. You just got rejected from a school you applied to. All of those things. You're dealing with the lawsuit. If you sit down and write it down and really take the time to do that and it's not a lot of time. It's like half an hour up most during your day. Sit down, write it down, edit, and then...

Maybe a little more for you, Asteroos. Yeah, Sirius. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I might need two journals. Holy shit. Yeah, an eight hour block at least. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to call him sick to work tomorrow. I'm going to buy myself a marble notebook and just start puking words into it. Excuse me, I'll take three reams of paper. Hello, hello, staples. I'll take all the paper you have.

Oh, God. So another, so one last thing about that, when you're journaling, if you feel that you might be afraid that anyone will ever find this thing and they'll know that your deepest and darkest and dirtiest secrets, which by the way, guys, no one gives a shit. You're not that special. We all have the same fucking shit Some of us fart our stupid thoughts into a podcast. Don't worry about it. Whatever you're saying, don't worry. Whatever you're thinking, don't worry about it.

Everything I've done on this episode is a hundred times worse than what you're going to write down. It's all regret, too. So anyway, if you, so write all this stuff down. And if you're afraid someone might read your precious thoughts, whatever. Delete it after you're done or print it out. And this is an important step. print it out and then take it, crumple it up, rip it up, throw it away, because that does something psychologically, that act of taking your thoughts and your memories and ripping

it up and throwing it away in the garbage, it's a really powerful, symbolic psychological, I don't know what the exact phrase is, but yeah, it's a gesture. So that act is immensely powerful. I don't know what the exact word for that mechanism is, but it does something psychologically that is effective, and it helps a lot of people. even help you. So those might be steps. If you're dealing with this kind of trauma, you have abusive parents or whatever, maybe

this might help you. Give it a shot and go out and get late. Yeah, holy shit. Because your parents, you're not a huge fan. Oh, wait, no, we can't say this on the air. I'm sorry. Why? Because your parents listen to this. Ah. You know, my

parents know, my beefs with them, because I have not split my words with them. I let them know and there was a point I think where enough is enough. And you know, you have your limits. And when they go beyond that, you have to put your foot down.

You have to draw those lines in the sand. You say, I'm not going to deal with this bullshit anymore. And if you're going to be this shitty, toxic person, I'm going to cut you out of my life. I've done it with my parents. I've done it with some of my friends. I will do it again. And I'm not hesitant to do that at all

because when people are toxic in your life, you need to cut them out. Like, because they're either going to, they're going to bring you down with them. They're people who you think that they have your best interest in their heart, right? Like your parents? But your parents are flawed individuals just like anyone else. And guess what?

Here's something really insidious that nobody likes to talk about. But sometimes your parents get jealous of you. Yeah, that's true. They get jealous of your success. They get jealous of your accomplishments and your life because they were never able to live the life that you're living now. Yeah. No, that's, oh my God, that's 100% true.

And it's 100% sad. But, yeah, it's absolutely the case. You have good parents, though, right? Look, look, I'm one of the lucky ones. I was out to dinner with a bunch of friends or older today, and I was like, yeah, I can't blame any of my problems on my parents. Like, I can't be like, I'm fat because my parents, or like, I'm sad because my parents or I'm this or I'm not because of my parents. Because it's like, my parents were incredibly supportive of me wanting to be a comedian from, like, age 12. Like, they could not have been nicer.

They sent me to a nice college. They helped me move to Los Angeles. They help me with a car. You know, it's like, yeah, I wish I could blame my parents, but I can't. Any problems I have are mine. But I know a lot of people, and they're not that lucky. And so, you know, I think the technique that you raise is actually really important. It's actually something that people, that child psychologists use to help kids get over-recurring nightmares.

You draw out your nightmare, you write up your nightmare, and then you draw your nightmare, you write out your nightmare. you write out your nightmare and then you crumple up the piece of paper or you rip it apart and you throw it away. I mean, that's a really powerful exercise. I might have to do that after this podcast. I'm going to print out this podcast to rip it up. Yeah, exactly, exactly. A stereos is going to draw an empty whiskey bottle. Ah, I wish!

Oh my God! I ran out of whiskey so long ago. I'm so sad about it. Yeah. Well, guys, that's it for this week. My problem was the virginity stigma. And my problem was cowardly perverts. Be proud of it, Perves.

Own it. Thanks for listening. And I just want to say for the record that I completely 100% agree with Maddox. It is a complete waste of time for people to come up with fantasy scenarios, like what you would do if the zombies attack. That's ridiculous. That's why Maddox and I spend our time with more reasonable things, like how we would steal the crown jewels if we've got a jet pack. That's a perfectly reasonable way to spend our time, you know,

thinking about scenarios like that. Fuck your zombie bullshit. Sean, you can go eat a dick or whatever. No, uh, get raped. Yeah, that's the thing. You get raped with a pineapple. Yeah, my Lord. Sean's getting spicy.

It's getting late. You know what, dickhead? The crown jewels exists. Yeah, the crown jewels. There are real crown jewels. There are real jet packs. Right. There's a real way to steal them.

Oh, man. I love having you on the show. Seriously, that's exactly what I was going to say. Yeah, no shit. Good. Oh my God, Maddox. You were the biggest dumbass Like in the universe

Easily with your straw man Bullshit arguments and then Oh next show Oh jokes on me guys I was only pretending to be retarded Wow you're actually retarded How did this guy know? Wow Did this guy look into the future

Did this guy look at the future A red delicious apple They have gotten better So you win that one Hey you know what I You know what I was about I agree with every thing he said, both insulting

you, and I had, I bought a bag of organic red delicious apples and they were really good. Yeah, there we, hey, there we go. I tweeted a bunch of photos of them because the thing is when I was a kid, oh, thank you. Thank you, invisible people. When I was a kid all I ate was red delicious apples. They were my father's favorite

apple. And as I got a little older, they became shittier and shittier. But I bought a bag the other day on your recommendation, and I really loved them. They're real crisp. They're real good. I've had a lot of people, just like that, shitty caller who is shitty but redeeming. You know, he has the redeeming quality

because he's on my side of the apple debate. But here's the thing, man. Every single person, there's the script that people say when they're talking about red delicious apples. And the script goes like this. Oh, they're mealy, they're mushy. They don't know what the word mealy means. No, they don't. They're like, oh,

it's like a pear. I'm like, first of all, dickhead. Pairs exist and people buy them. So if they were like pairs and you're trying to compare this apple's quality to a pairs, That's a shitty argument because people like pair. Pairs are very popular. They're very popular. Exactly.

People look for women in the shape of a pair. And that's a good shape to have. It's a good shape. But this Red Delicious argument is such a fucking bullshit hollow argument. It's all these people who've just stuck to the script and they haven't tried to wear it. It's an echo chamber. It's a fucking apple echo chamber. It needs to stop.

You're so happy. Oh, you got your one word. Your one argument. Mealy. Mealy. Mealy. Mealy, mealy, mealy. Yeah, when's the last one?

The last time you had one, Dickhead, 1992? Yeah, exactly. They've changed, you fuck. They're better now. Yeah, they're better now. The Red Delicious is back. That's right. They're red and delicious.

Go fuck yourself. Yeah.