The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 8

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me, Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? Oh, man, we have had a week. Yeah, great week. We've had an incredible week. You're the stats man.

Yeah, I got some stats for you. Yeah, I wait, and I wait all week for the stats from you of how we're doing. Yeah. And this was an exciting week for this show. Very exciting week. So, already, right off the top, we have 100,000 downloads. We've already hit 100,000. 100,000 downloads in just over, what, a month and a half, we've been going.

Can you put that in terms of a sex tape? Who would release a sex tape that would get 100,000 downloads? Maybe one of the Golden Girls? Maybe Scarlet-Jahanson on a good day. Really? Maybe. I think she'd get a couple million. I think you need like a B-list to get 100,000.

I don't even know celebrities, so I'm out. Kathy Bates. She would get 100,000 downloads, I think. I would watch that, like out of curiosity. You are one of them. Right? I mean, you've got to see those pancake tities. So, but that's not the important stat.

The important stat is we have already hit not only the top 100 on the iTunes comedy podcast, we are in the top 10. Yeah. Almost overnight, we hit number nine on the overall comedy podcast in iTunes. That's amazing. It's incredible. That's amazing. We are less than...

what, two months old, and we're already in the top 10 of iTunes comedy podcast. We're beating, we're like outranking Norm MacDonald and like all these like celebrities and Comedy Central. They're official podcast. And we, on the global overall podcast, we're in the top 50. We're number 47. I mean, I got to give it up to you. I'm applauding, but I got to give it up to the Maddox,

the Maddox brand. The Maddox idea. Yeah, there you go. Thank you. Yeah, that's incredible. So we're kicking ass. Thank you for the support. Thank you for listening. Right. And I would like to say that also F you, because all this tracking has got you to install iTunes on your computer. A day that I thought would never happen.

Oh, my gosh. And you did it. What an incredible pain in my dick, iTunes was to install. Like, it was incredibly difficult to install. It doesn't just work. I had to unpack it and install different modules separately, reboot my computer twice, uninstall bonjour, their bullshit little app, which, you know, All these, I'm not even sure why I'm explaining this because Apple users are non-technical and they don't understand anything.

A piece of software that my parents managed to install on their own took you. God knows how long and with how many obstacles. I feel like you in computers, you're like that kid pig pen on the peanuts with that cloud around him all the time. Like you're just, your computers just fuck with you non-stop. No, it's not me. There's thousands of people who had the exact same issue because it's on forums everywhere. Error 127. Order of the fuck that is.

Thanks, Apple. The problems last week. Yes. Oh, Dick, here we go. Yeah. Number one, armchair psychologist. That's me. Okay.

I'm the big winner. Yeah, you're the big dick. There you go. I'm the big winner. You're a new Coke? I'm regular Coke. I'm the winner. I'm Jesse Owens.

You're Hitler in the 1930 Olympics. I'm Ernie and you're Bert from Sesame Street. How's that? First of all, they're both winners. Okay. the number two problem was last week. Wait because gay marriage is now legal is that why they're both winners? Of course. Yeah I mean everyone knows like gay. The number two problem was the movie Frozen. Oh ha ha skunked. You got skunked bro. You know you know what? Two wins for dick. You know

what this is unprecedented. I'm going to come out and say that I take full responsibility. This is my fault. I am disappointed in myself for having dumb ass fans. No. Yep. No. You brought bogus problems last week, and the fans spoke. They recognized it. What were your problems? The resolution. The resolution, stupid.

No one cares about that. Shy people. How is that not a problem? Because you came off like an asshole. Yelling at shy people for being shy. So what? So let them sit there. That's what I do.

That's my ammo. That's what I do for a living. No. You pick on, you are the David to like Goliaths out there on your website. But shy people are like just trying to mind their own business. Not you're just outside stomping on flowers. Pricks. Wallflowers.

No. Wrong. wallflowers get out of here yeah all right um i got some comments yeah brenden from oakland i can't believe how well dick won this week great job great this a pretty pretty unbiased comment oh of course brenden good job brend idiot here's a good man bertram maddicks's laugh sounds like a man shining my shoes yeah uh and then he just want to be clear that's a compliment there we go yeah i don't know what that means well you know what that's a very calming sound, right?

The sound of a shoe being shined. Oh, what about the laughter, though? That's what he's talking about. My laughter is very calming. So you think that he's saying your laugh sounds like a guy's shining shoes? Yeah, that's very calming. I think he's saying that your laugh sounds like

the laugh of a guy shining shoes. Oh, I see. I see. Okay, well, you know what? That's unclear, so it's on the fan. Yeah, Matt, clear that up first, please. Clear it up, please. Next episode. Also, a couple guys, what about that reproduction of the Mario Sex drawing?

And where's the Mario porn? Yeah, I need to draw that. You know, I launched a website a long time ago called Commugism, and it's a website that I was going to create for communist-related porn. And I started to draw some a long time ago, and then I just lost interest. I made a really cool logo of like a fist in the air with like a used-up jizz towel in his hand. What were your intentions with this site? Drawing communist porn?

I was going to make it a custom porn site where people uploaded drawings of porn. that they made. And then I lost interest. So I may resurrect it at some point. Was it for purposes of eroticism or was it for purposes of comedy? Everything I do is for the purposes of eroticism. Okay. Great.

You got any comments? Yeah, I do have some comments. So this one came in email from someone named Cock Expert Weald. And he says, hey, Dick, your contribution to the podcast is uninteresting and you're always wrong. Oh, well, the voting disagrees with you, cock wheel their guy. You know, cock, expert wheeled. Then I got one from Richard Watkins. He said, I would never trust anything a Diet Coke drinker says.

So last episode, you talked about the Diet Coke challenge. You said you think that Diet Coke for McDonald's is the best. Diet Coke from McDonald's is superior to all other Diet Coke's, and everyone knows that. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have. brought Diet Coke with me from a bunch of different sources. And I'm here to test both Dick and Sean because both of them claimed that Diet Coke from McDonald's. They can taste it, right? This is not us. Everyone knows this. Everyone in the world knows that Diet Coke for McDonald's

the best. No, that's bullshit. By the way. And by the way, I bought my Diet Coke from McDonald's in a medium cup, and it didn't spill. It didn't leak. You have to leave it out. Like, you have to leave it out for the sweat to start. That's condensation. It's not spilling. That's condensation. No, the medium glass melts. It's made out of wax. It falls apart. They're all made out of the same material. No, they're not. The construction of the large is solid.

It's like a piece of cardboard that's wrapped into a tube. The medium glass is full of... Sean, I'm... No, you know what? Fuck you. I can do this myself. It's made out of wax. It feels like a ball of wax. You can scrape it off with your finger. You know exactly what I'm talking about if you really did. I don't actually think that you went to McDonald's if you don't think that the medium glass is made out of wax. It's in my fridge. You can check it right after the show.

So, uh, there's a comment to support. Let's get this started. So I have five different samples for Sean and Dick to test. This is such a bullshit test. No, it's not a bullshit test. You've got... First of all, did you piss in any of these? You've got five red cups full of a brown liquid.

Right. Is there anything gross in any of these? Yeah, Diet Coke. Is there anything that... Is there anything that I'm going to be pissed off that I swallowed? You? No. Me? Absolutely.

I hate Diet Coke. Just drink the fucking soda. No, because I know you... like slipping things and things that people eat. Okay. There's nothing in there that I put in there that I didn't get from the store. Okay. All right. I object to this test because

the whole point of the McDonald's Diet Coke is that you get it fresh. Oh, okay. And you drink it. It's like fresh. It's soda. Get out of here. It's the ice. It's the way the ice cools it down. It's the way it's how fizzy it is. Oh my gosh. This is, it's a fucking, it's syrup. It's chemicals. You're not talking about.

So what do you have? These are all No, these are all lettered. So they're lettered. A through E. There's five of them. Sean take an A. I want Sean, yeah. Both Sean and Dick are both trying in A right now. And by the way, I got a comment from Sandra Tofolent Schmidt from Benedictine, Illinois. It's not A, first of all.

Not A? A tastes like it has whiskey in it. Well, let's write this down. Here, give me a pen right there. All right. Let's keep, yeah, let's keep track. So you're saying A, okay, Dick says not A. Not A. Sean says, what do you say, Sean?

is A McDonald's or not? A doesn't taste like McDonald's. A doesn't taste like McDonald's. Okay, A's out. No for A. No for A. Here's a B. You try and B. By the way, if this was a real test...

Oh, you should write these down separately. Don't say your answer. You can't remember our responses for five things? No, no, no. Because your response is going to change Sean's answer. You guys can both like... Sean and I have known each other a long time. He is not going to do...

Sean, you're not going to change your answer based on what I say, are you? No. Oh, of course not. It's a psychological experiment. They've shown that people change their answers. It's B. Okay, great. So write that down. You think it's B? I think B is it maybe. Okay. B's a maybe.

I don't know, but B tastes way different than A. Yeah, well, maybe. I mean, who knows. Okay. Who knows what's in there. So. Here it. Oh, Sean's got water, too? Well, yeah, he's taking swigs of water in between. You should have done that as a scientist. So let me read Sanders' comment.

McDonald's does have the best pop, and it's because they make it with love, idiots. They have the best filtration system and are anal and maintaining it. Other than that, Maddox is still more awesome than you. Yeah, but do you see what I'm saying? You do realize the difference between like a slap dick organization like Wendy's where anything goes when they fill up the Diet Coke and McDonald's where they're extremely regimented. They always do it the same. Oh, the highest quality, the most regimented product from McDonald's.

Well, stuff has got to build up in those lines, though. And just saying three or C or whatever it is tastes different than all. It tastes closer to regular Coke than either. A tastes like piss. Yeah. Okay. A tastes horrible. Okay. A taste horrible. They all taste different. Well, tell me which one.

Which one? So are you writing these down? Keeping track of which ones do you think McDonald's is? Yeah. So let me tell you, well, I'll tell you afterwards where the sources are, what the sources came from. But I argued with a girl for about half an hour about she believes that McDonald's does have different. Okay. Can you turn off the game show music?

First of all. This is terrible again. The D, or what a... Yeah, D tastes like shit. Ooh, I think it might be E. You think E? So, hold on, you thought it was A, you thought it was E? That it's B.

Which one is McDonald's? As I taste it, they seem to taste more McDonald's-y. First of all, these are all flat sodas. Of course they're flat. Yeah, but that's... So none of them are good. The carbonation doesn't add anything. Like, whatever, it's just carbonation.

What you're doing is like, I'm saying I can identify a beautiful painting and then you're showing me a painting taken with like a Nokia camera from 1992. Yes, but as long as... Is this a Renoir or not?

I have no idea because it's a picture of it. But I'm showing you every picture taken with that same phone. So they're all consistent. They're all consistently bad. They're all consistently bad. Yeah.

Yeah, watch on. Look, they're all flat. I can't tell you with certainty which one is the McDonald's. It may be E. I think C may have been Coke... That's what I may have been Coke Zero even. I'm not sure.

Okay. B was somewhat close, but A and D were awful. Not McDonald's Coke. I don't believe if one of those is, then, yeah, I have no idea because it's... What do you want? Give me the pen right there. Oh, the pen. Yeah, sure.

So you said A and D are definitely not McDonald's. A and D are we betting on this. Those are the most... Here's what I think you should have to bet. Turn that music goes. Drive them to McDonald's. All right. So here's what I think.

Here's what I think. If you lose, you should have to get a tattoo. Okay, no. I'm not doing a tattoo. No, no, listen, listen. You can get it any size you want, anywhere you want on your body, except for your dick or your asshole, because I'm not going to inspect. Okay.

And it has to say diet dick. Anywhere on your body. I'm not getting a tattoo based on this shit experiment. If this was a real experiment with fresh Diet Coke, I might consider that. This is fresh Diet Coke. It's less than an hour old. And I have that tattoo. You already have a diet Coke?

Dick tattoo? Okay, what do I get if I win? Damn, I, Sean. Well, you tell me, what do you want? Um, I want to... I want to pick a shirt that you wear... Okay. For a day.

And you have to go outside in it. The one that I already own? Yeah, but I'm not getting a tattoo. Why aren't you getting a tattoo? You get it anywhere. Are you insane? Why am I not getting a tattoo for this experiment? On your pinky toe?

No, I'm not getting a fucking tattoo for this, for a bunch of flat sodas in red cups. Think about that. Think about that. Pick something that's not a tattoo, jackass. Okay, cut your hair. Cut your stupid fucking hair. Dick has this giant, ridiculous, like, mop top.

Dick has this mop top for a haircut. Yeah, it's like a 70s rocker, man. Well, it's a 70-something. Like slash. I look badass. 70s drug dealer. All right, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

If you don't have a real thing. That was a real thing, I guess. So let the record state that Dick won't get a tattoo on anywhere on his body, especially not his vagina. If this was a real test, I might consider the hair cutting thing. Okay, so what's your guess? What do you think is the di-co-co-cote? Well, get a haircut, man. I'm not getting a haircut.

You don't have anything else? Shave off one eyebrow. How about I give you five bucks? Do you want to... Is that what do you want? I'll take five bucks. These are all bad things. Okay, so what do you think?

Well, knowing you, you wouldn't have put it at the end. I think it's either C or E. And knowing you, you wouldn't have put it at E just to screw with me, because that's too obvious. C or E. E tastes like flat. See, I know flat McDonald's Diet Coke, too. All right. Sean, what's your final answer?

I'm going to go E. Okay, don't tell us who won until the end of the show, by the way. End of the show. Yeah. So people will listen to the whole show. Don't you ever watch TV? That's how you do it. It's a cliffhanger.

People will forget. You tease them. Yeah, okay. It's a teaser. All right, end of the show. Here we go. You guys are getting cock tease. You'll find out at the end of the show.

I think... I'm picking between C or E. Okay. I'm gonna go C. All right, Dick goes C. Can you tell us where these Diet Coke's were from? Yeah, so I'll tell you all the sources. Okay.

Well, no, I won't. I'll tell you at the end. I'll tell you everything at the end. Don't worry about it. But I want to know. I want to know. You'll know. Can you tell me one of the sources?

Yeah, I can. A can of Dieton. Okay, a can. I think I guess the can. Shit, let me test it again. No, no, no, no, you can't change your answer. You're locked in. No, that's a can.

You're locked in. You're locked in. All right, whatever. I'm going to see. All right, so go on. First problem. Because if either Sean or I win, we win the point of the argument, which is that you can identify it. No, you both have to win because you both have to be consistent.

No, 50-50's pretty good. 50-50's bullshit. What? Sean, what do you want? I think the fact that they're all different tells you that Diet Coke ain't Diet Coke. Oh! Oh, he's right. So because they're all different, we've proven that you could taste the difference and identify it over time. You are so full of shit if you can't admit that.

First of all, scientists dip shit. You haven't proven anything. You just think it tastes different. We all said that they tasted different, didn't we? They're wildly different. They're wildly different, dude. I tasted that before. I disagree.

So we're not at a consensus. You haven't proven anything. Do you eat like a seagull? Do you just pour it down your throat? No. Let's get to the problems, man. What's your first problem? My first problem is not enough bartenders.

Not enough bartenders. Yeah. Okay, big problem. I was at, no, no, I'll tell you why. I was at Tacolandia this weekend. Which is what? It's an event where a company has figured out how to milk money from white people. Yeah.

It's like they rent out like a big parking lot and they have a bunch of food trucks show up. They sell tickets for like 40 bucks of pop. Right. You come in, you get all you can eat tacos, and you're supposed to be able to to trade your drink tickets for drinks. Okay. However, the line is 30 minutes long. Of course.

But you're eating like spicy tacos. Yeah. They got like 5,000 people showing up. Yeah. 40 bucks a pop, and they have six bartenders to serve drinks to these people who are known for their complicated drinks.

Right. That's capitalism, dick. That's what all these things are. They're shit shows. Any kind of like German October Fest thing in a tent, they don't have enough bartenders because they want to maximize their profit. Oh, whoa, whoa.

German October Fest, they run like clockwork. Not in America. Yes, false. Alpine Village October Fest, you can get absolutely S-faced. Yeah, I did eventually, but after waiting 30 minutes of time for a beer and you have to hand in tickets. What's a system to hand in tickets? There's no tickets at Alpine Village. It's all cash.

But I think you agree with what I'm saying, though. Yeah, no, it's a big problem. Sure, but it's also a problem, like, at these events for suckers, because why would you go there expecting to get any kind of... Listen to me. You're saying it's like a capitalism thing, but with the review I'm giving it, this is negative. Like, they want to have, to have a line at your bar is pissing money away. You're charging eight bucks a drink. That's where you're making all your money. You should have, you should have a bartender for every person there. Just go pick up a bunch of guys from Home Depot and say, hey, essay, you're handing out beers all night. You'll make a fortune. You'll make a fortune.

Okay, sure. Why, why don't, what I don't understand is why do they don't have the, those soda machines where that you can like... For beers? Yeah, for beers. Yeah. Like 50 different beers and sodas. You just can walk up to it. And they've already checked your ID or you can swipe it because every driver's license has the magnetic strip on it.

I'll do you one better. Grab a guy from Home Depot. Have him just hand out beers. That's all he does. The shortstop does this. You know the shortstop? That bar next to Dodger Stadium. Yeah.

So it gets so packed before the game that they have dudes standing in the bar only selling Paps Blue Ribbon. Two bucks or three bucks. Paps Blue Ribbon, handing them out. I'd rather just... You'd rather have a Mai-Tai? What do you'd rather just what? Is it Paps Blue Ribbon? I'd rather dehydrate than drink Paps Blue Ribbon.

I'd rather dehydrate. I'd rather die, I think. Wow. It's so bad. Paps Blue Ribbon. I don't know. It's not great. I mean, I'm not a fan of it, but that's what they sell

because that's the neighborhood. They're in a hipster neighborhood. Yeah. So not enough bartenders. So again, Dick, you always do this. You bring in great problems sometimes, but terrible arguments. Like, what... Okay, wait a minute.

I hadn't got to my argument. Okay, yeah, let's, yeah. So I was, I was sitting there with, I had a punch card of five drinks. Yeah. And I had only managed to punch two of them with like 20 minutes to go in the event. You understand what I'm saying? So I wait, I got in line and waited, and I was like, okay, I guess I'm just going to have to get like three shots. Right.

In here. I get up to the front and this muscle dummy security guard cuts the line off at this, like, young couple right in front of me. Like we can reach out and touch the bar But he goes, no, no, that's it You guys are cut off Right at this young couple Because I think he knew he could get away with it Because they're just like, you know, they're like on a date

Sure And they're having a good time, they're looking to eat some tacos And get sauced up So I'm thinking, I'll be damned If I'm gonna let this jerk Screw up this date, right? Yeah I'm a good wing man

Yeah, you are I am, thank you. For anybody. For real, for real, sincerely you're a good wingman. Thank you. For like the people. Addendum, when you're not super drunk. Yes. Okay. I will give you that.

So I said, dude, the bar's still open. Get out of here. Like, what do you mean the bar's closed? When does it close? And he goes, 625. And I said, okay, okay, fucker. I see your watch. It's not 625. Bars open. And I did. And he goes, oh, well, my digital watch says it is 625. And I was like, all right, let's see it. So he gets his phone out. Sure enough, it's 625.

I was like, all right, dude, whatever. So he calls it in, and they extend the bar hours for five more minutes. Oh, great. Just for us. Okay. So he did you a solid, kind of. And I did that couple, a solid. Oh, I thought he cut off the couple before they got up.

Well, they were in front of me. They were in front of me. So I extended it, you know. Yeah, you hooked them up. Yeah. Very nice of you. Yeah. But these guys, or what, this couple's not drinking?

That's a big problem. That's young love. Dick, since when do you care about young love? Since it involves me having a can of margarita. What is that, lime areita? What is the bud light thing with lime in it called? It's disgusting, but that's what they gave me. They wouldn't pour me a drink, so they gave me three crappy bud lights with lime in them.

Yeah, it's such a shit show. Why would you even submit yourself? First of all, you have to pay, I hate any of these events where you have to pay, and then you're herded in, like, cattle. You have to stay in a circle, and you have to wait in line. for fucking 40 minutes when you wouldn't any other time. You're absolutely right. So I scalped this girl's ticket

as she was coming out and she had already walked in and got her ticket scanned. So I just put on her band and got scanned like I was coming back in and I totally scooted past like the hour long wait. Oh, that's great. It was awesome. I do like scamming bullshit lines like that

because it's a bullshit line. They always say, oh, fire marshal, what, it's not a fire thing. It was outside. Yeah, of course. It's always outside. Who's the comedian? I think it's Mitch Tedberg, he says, if you're flammable, you're never blocking a fire exit. Yeah. Right?

It's pretty funny. Yeah. So that's my problem. Yeah. Not enough bartenders. Not enough bartenders. Because you can't get enough booze quickly enough. No one can get it.

Yeah. Like, it ruins everyone's good time, dude. So how's this a universal problem? I'm sure they will have bartenders in space. Tell that to an Ethiopian. Like, if you go to Ethiopia and you say, hey man, you know what a big problem is? Not enough bartenders. And they'll be like, yeah, man, I get you.

Like, you think that's going to happen? You think that would happen? Do I think an Ethiopian would... Yeah, if my life was as miserable as an Ethiopian, I would want liquor as fast as possible. So I tell you, they sure as shit would be angry about the high-resolution race. A real problem. I have a solution for this one, though. Yeah, what's a solution?

More bartenders? No. Well, kind of. Yeah. It's a deputy bartender program. Okay. Okay? So, like, you know how, like, when the Wild West, people could get...

deputized because there wasn't enough cops or there wasn't enough lawmen. Yeah. So this is, you can get trained and licensed by the government to be like a deputy bartender. Okay. So if you see that this is happening, like if you see there's a big line, people like me can go like, okay, hold

on, I'm a deputy bartender, I can get back here and serve some drinks. All right, you know, I'm on board of that. That's a cool program. Yeah, that would be cool, right? If you get a badge. Yeah, of course you get a badge. What are you talking about? If you get a bat. And I would wear spurs and cowboy boots and a hat.

All right, but just keep that under wraps until I get this program going. That's the kind of talk that sinks a program like this. Why? Because I think it's too cool. They don't want to initiate it. No, I'm dead serious about this. Yeah, yeah. No, me too.

I'm not making it a goofy cowboy thing. It's not goofy. I always wear a cowboy hat seriously. I think I would wear like a Patrick Swayze or cocktail outfit, like those tight pants and no shoes. shirt with like, you know, a rag. Oh, gross. All right.

That's my problem. It's a pretty big problem. It is a problem. You know, again, I really meant what I said last time. We're not always going to bring in the biggest problem in the universe. We're eventually going to get all the problems from ants to AIDS. What's the bigger problem than that? Pretty much anything we've talked about on the show,

including your bullshit movie Frozen problem, which isn't a problem at all, by the way, you idiots. No, no, no, no, no. You've got to understand something. life where you encounter this stuff is your universe. Like you're saying the universe like it's a big thing

but everything you know about the universe is what you experience every day and this is a big problem. Not true. Yes, it is! I've never experienced a supernova. This ruined my whole week. A supernova wouldn't even be a problem.

It's just over. That's it. There's thousands of them happening all the time, probably. I don't know. I'm not Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I don't have all the facts over here about when supernovas are happening. But they're not a problem because they're happening way out

in the middle of nowhere. Wait, they are a problem. problem and they're going to be on this episode eventually in a future episode. They're not as, okay, they're a problem, but they're not as big of a problem as not enough bartenders. Wrong. False. Absolutely. Wrong. You know what the problem is with a supernova? Kills all the bartenders. That's the real problem with the supernova is that it wipes

everything out. You're out of here with your bartenders. Let's get to a real problem. Okay, this is a universal problem. My first problem this week is the Webby Awards. What's that? Okay. Well, it's this online award. Is this something that's dumb? Because it sounds like. dumb. It's super dumb. It's the dumbest. It's this online award. It's been going on since basically the internet existed. And there's this organization called the Webby's, and they give out

awards to different internet websites and stuff like that. And I thought, when I first heard of this, I'm like, oh, okay, so the internet gets its own dog and pony show, kind of like the Oscars for movies or the Emmys for TVs or the Grammys or the Tonys or whatever. I'm like, okay, great, the internet gets one. Okay. So I was like, all right, I'm on board with this. Let's Let's see what internet properties. I love it. You're such a sucker. Like the second I hear about awards, the first thing I think is scam.

And you think, oh, cool. Maybe somebody is doing this right. Never going to happen. Because I'm an optimist. That's what I am. A very positive optimist. That's me. There's an optimist born every minute.

Have you ever heard that saying? I don't think of the word is optimist. So I looked at the Webby Awards this year, and guess who won for best news? Best online news. The Daily Show. No. The Onion? The New York Times.

Oh. The New York Times won a Webby Award. So I have a question to the Webby comedian. This is a serious question. Okay. Who the fuck do you think you are? Huh? Who the fuck?

Who do you think you are to give the New York Times your bullshit little nickel and dime award? Do you think they give a fuck about having a Webby? They wouldn't even deign to put a Webby on their website. That would insult them. That would bring down their credit. credibility if they say they earned in a Webby. Because the New York Times has received two Nobel Prizes.

Have they really? Yeah. Two Nobel Prize For what? For expressive journalism. That's a Nobel Prize? Yeah, a bunch of Chicago Tribune who's gotten one. I think they stopped doing it in 1997. Can I say something really quick? That's just the Nobel Prize Committee trying to get free advertising in the New York Times.

That's the Nobel Prize Committee, giving a fake-ass award just like the Webby's to try to get on their newspaper. Okay, you're wrong. Except they also give a million So it's not a fake-ass award. There's an actual monetary compensation here. Okay, what else have they won? They've received 101 George Polk Awards, and they've received 112 Pulitzer Prizes.

What's a George Polk Award? It's for journalism. I give a Polk Award to every girl I've ever been. Get out of here. Oh, terrible. As you finish your disgusting Diet Coke. So, New York Times has won legitimate awards. It's a legitimate journalist outfit.

They don't need your Webby. You know who does need your Webby? Webby, some dickhead who started out his little news website in his garage. Yeah. Who's trying to do something independently who embodies the spirit of the internet. Not the New York fucking Times that's older than this country. Like we don't need more recognition. It's not really.

Because it's New York. That's why. Because the name is the New York Times. It's not older than the country. No, no, I know. That was a joke. Oh, okay, okay. So the best gamer application.

Here are the nominees. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. I have a question, though. What did the New York Times do? Did they... Did they even notice?

Did they even notice? They just existed. So, oh, let's congratulate people who don't need more... Congratulations. Oh, and by the way, the runners-up was The Guardian. You know, the Guardian.co. Yeah. Variety magazine and Rolling Stone.

So they're like the top-of-mind newspapers? Yeah, they're just giving people who already get all the accolades and congratulations in the world more awards that they don't need and don't even give a fuck about. The Rolling Stone wouldn't mention that they got a Webby. And maybe even if they did, that would make them sound stupid. That would be like, oh, you know what? I'm going to create an award show and I'm going to give the Rolling Stone magazine an award. That's bullshit.

They wouldn't mention it. Well, those places are also not known for like their traffic, right? So if the Webbies are trying to get recognition, wouldn't they try to bait like a big news, online news site? I mean, I'm thinking of it from a point of pure cynicism that the Webby committee sat there and said, how can we get as much attention as possible? wouldn't they want to target like a big online news size that's likely to link to them? No, because the exact opposite is true. The bigger the online news site, the less likely they are to link to them.

The smaller guys like me who might actually give a shit, which I don't. Who might get suckered into this. Yeah, who might get suckered into this, which I don't, by the way. I will always reject Webby so long as it's this bullshit little thing where they're giving celebrities. And that's who hosts their show, celebrities. They get Kevin Spacey and Pat and Oswald and all these like celebrities to host their show. To host the Webby's? To host the Webby's, yeah.

By the way, I love Patty's Grace. Well, yeah, but he doesn't represent the Internet. When I think the Internet, I don't think Kevin Spacey. Oh. He has nothing to do with the Internet. Yes, they should have, you know who they should have asked? You, right? Is that what you're thinking?

I wouldn't. Are you pissed off it? I wouldn't. I wouldn't. You'd host the Webbies? No, actually. No, look at me. Yeah, you would.

I think Pat. Put me in the eyes. I know when you're lying. If the Webby changed fundamentally and they change and they stop awarding the New York Times and, and, and, and popular celebrities awards. That's stupid. Then maybe I would consider it.

But not this fucking bullshit. So here... They lost their integrity. They never had it. They should be honoring like homegrown heroes, like you. Well, not necessarily... I'm thinking that seriously. Sure, sure.

I agree. Like, it should be internet properties, like things that were born and raised on the internet. That's what the web is. The word web is in the name is in the title. So the best game or application... Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess.

You want to get this. No, no, no, no, because I'm trying to think of the worst one, like what the best game would be, Scrabble. Actually, Scrabble was on the runner-up. Yeah, Scrabble. Scrabble was on the runner-ups. No, no, hopscotch. No, you're not going to get this.

Rock, Paper, Scissor. You will not get this. Did that get it? Was that on the list? No, no. Okay, what is it? It's the scarecrow. And it's, the scarecrow is an ad campaign that Chipotle came out with last year,

where it was this, like, 10-minute short about a scarecrow who's living in this futuristic like 1984 style world where it's all industrial and he finds this nice little farm that produces chickens without hormones or antibiotics or whatever and that's what they use for Chipotle. So it's by the creative artist agency. That was a game? Yeah, CAA. The creative artist agency.

The number one, the largest agency in the world. They gave CAA an award. CAA wouldn't wipe their ass with a Webby. They don't give a fuck about your little podong bullshit little award. And that's Chipotle. That's sponsored by Chipotle. How is anyone realistically... How is this a webby?

How is anyone indie supposed to compete with that? But it's also an ad, right? It's not a game. Shouldn't it get a Clio? Oh, yeah. Well, guess what... Yeah, I'm sure they did get a Clio, but they also got a Webby.

No, no, I don't think they did because that doesn't sound like the best ad of the year, but, like, what's going on at the Webbies, do you think? It was up there. It got viral. Well, here are the runners up. They gave Adidas Nitro Charge game a Webby. Going viral is not the only criteria for a good ad, though.

There's some artistry in there. Well, there's definitely... You know what, I'll say this. It's a decent ad. I'm not saying it deserves a Webby because it's sponsored by Chipotle. Then there's Adidas, Nitro Charge game. And then there's Assassin's Creed, Black Flag, Defy History. Assassin's Creed got a Webby.

So what should have won? I don't know, some like Flash game that somebody made. Yeah, what was a big one? What was a Big Flash game from last year? Actually, they did give a Webby to somebody who did an independent HTML 5 game called something like Run and Jump or something. like that and it's a full screen kind of tunnel synesthesia style game it's i mean they did give one to to one of those but the majority of them are mr fancy pants guy isn't there like a mr

fancy pants adventure or something where you run around and you have fancy pants you're like a stick guy i think you just invented a game buddy well so the runners up were perier water it's also an ad game uh for sports guess who won the first prize magic johnson Nike let me oh jeez i never would have guessed Nike and then red Red Bull, GQ, Red Bull again, and then Sports Illustrated. Oh, thank you. Thank you for congratulating Sports Illustrated, because they were really worried about not getting an award this year.

Can I ask you something? Yeah. When did this happen? Like, did you look back at the older Webby's to see what they were awarding in the past? It's always been this shit show. It's always been this bullshit. Oh, really? It's always been like this.

And that's why nobody gives a fuck about the Webby's, and no one will ever give a fuck about the Webby's. It's always this, because they're sucking celebrity dick. That's what they love. That's all they care about, it's celebrity, celebrity, celebrity. So they did, they have the hosting, they had the award show. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Before you start playing the stuff, how is this different than any other award?

Well, the difference is at least the Oscars are industry-related. So they're congratulating, they're giving awards to themselves. But they always give awards to the biggest movies. Well, yeah, but they don't, like, the biggest movie of the year, it's always like, oh, American Hustle and, oh, look at this, a bunch of movies that everybody saw. Yeah, but the Oscars. is by celebrities for celebrities. The Webby's is by the internet for celebrities.

Do you see the problem? No, I don't see the problem. I see the logical inconsistency, but I definitely don't see a problem with another organization blowing celebrities. Well, the problem is, first of all, it's a waste of time and energy and money. Right?

This is something, they could actually be doing a force for good on the internet. They could be promoting small properties into legitimate operations. Actually, one of them... Why don't you have, like, your own awards? I mean, I made at some point. Yeah, I made at some point.

But I don't think the type of people, I don't, I don't think I'm, I think I'm too polarizing to give awards to people. Pish-Posh. You're an all-audiences kind of guy. What would you award? What are your favorites from the year? Newgrounds.com. I like Newgrounds. As what?

Game website. Game portal. The best game portal is Newgrounds.com. What else? Well, you're putting me on the spot. I haven't thought about this. Like best, best mauling by a polar bear on YouTube? The best mauling.

Yeah, actually, that sounds great. The best mawling by Polar bear. The best, you know, there are these videos on YouTube, and you should go search for them. They're just women walking upstairs, and they're the best. It's just slow-motion videos of chicks walking up. That sounds like a good award.

Best YouTube series. Yeah. Chicks walking upstairs. And sometimes there's hip-hop playing. So you can mute that, no problem. Great. That's the sound of a man. shining your shoes. Right? That laughter

right there, I guess. I don't understand why. I think it's because it's so wholesome. Right? It's such a wholesome laugh. It's a wholesome laugh, yeah. Yeah, it's like an old world comforting laugh. It's a guy who knows an honest days of work, right? Honest day work. That's me. That's me. That's me. That's me.

It's me to a T. That's the first thing that says on my resume. I know an honest day of work. You have a resume? No, I don't. I haven't made a resume in at least 12 years. No longer than that. You have a good laugh. I think my laugh It kind of sounds like I'm a prick. Yeah, you do.

You are. Oh, you know. I'll work on it. But a lovable prick. Okay. So this is the award show. They asked Patty Smith, I guess, you know, the punk rock or Patty Smith. I don't know who that is.

I didn't either. I had a Wikipedia. She's known as the Queen of Punk Rock. She introduced the Webby Award. Listen to this one for Best Actress. The 2014 Webby. Best Actress is being honored for her work on our Netflix original series. How much do you think she smokes every day?

Sorry, you talked over the line. Because I would listen to her. Here's the next step of the award. Well, she awarded the show. No, no, go ahead. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Why, you have to play the whole clip over. So she awarded the show.

I didn't know that. I apologize. She awarded the show the Best Actress Award to the actress from Orange is the New Black, the Netflix original. Is that an internet property now? Is that what we're considering an internet property? Dude, maybe, yeah. Because it's not on the...

It's not anywhere else. It's on the internet. It's internet-based. You were complaining about it last week, taking up like 30% of internet traffic, weren't you? Weren't you? Yeah, but Netflix is a huge... It's not like a little indie internet operation.

Kevin Spacey is not an internet guy. I wouldn't give Kevin Spacey an internet award. Yeah, but wait a minute. I'm thinking... But Netflix grew out of the internet. Without the internet... Like, that's where they started. Yeah.

So, I mean, give Netflix an award. I just think that's the only example of a Good Webby Award is Orange is the New Black. Kind of, but it's not really, it's not made for, it's not a general internet property. It's not, it's something that was created for Netflix. Like, would you give George Clooney an award because his movie Siriana was on Netflix? Like, okay, well, George Clooney's also, you know, yeah, any movie that's on Netflix isn't suddenly an internet property. I would give George Clooney an award for that thing he does. with his eyes that I do to chicks all the time.

You don't do that. You know, you do the bottom of your eyelids? You like make them tight when you're looking at it. Yeah, no, you definitely don't do that. He does that. Yeah, I know he does that. He's doing romantic. Are you saying that I don't do that?

No, you don't do that. No. I'm going to do it to you right now. Watch. Gross. See? Isn't that erotic? No.

No, not in the way, no. No, the syrionic, the syriotic thing isn't the same, though. That network comes from the internet. The difference is orange is the new black was made for, was a, was a made show. and it was licensed by Netflix. And, you know, the terms of the licensing agreement may expire at some point and someone else may be able to syndicate it. Or maybe they have it in perpetuity.

We don't know. But the thing is, it's a licensed content. It's basically a TV show that was created and Netflix licensed it. That's all it is. It's not something that Internet people created. That's a huge studio with actual producers and directors. That's what the Webby's award would be. Should be.

Yeah. Is there any real award show for the little guys? You're always about the little guys, man. Little guys get enough attention. What about the Netflix? What about the big guys of the world? They need awards, too. What about the Kevin Spacees of this world?

Yeah, the little guys are used to not winning awards. Celebrities, man, they need awards all the time to live. They gave like NPR awards. And for animation, again, they gave the Scarecrow, the Chipotle commercial, from Creative Artists Agency, the biggest agency in the world, they gave them another Webby Award. They gave them like three awards. It's like how much can you suck one agency's dick? It's a clean sweep, man.

Just like my problems this week. Well, oh, yeah, okay. Clean, sweet. Let's get to your next one. My next problem. So I don't want, I disagree with you about this just being a list of problems. I think it's really the biggest problem in the universe. Okay.

So I brought in a very big problem. All right, let's hear it. Global warming. Okay. All right. Do you mean, okay. I mean, what is, give me one reason why it's a problem. Here we go.

Oh, boy. Seriously. Here we go. Okay, first of all, that global warming, the phrase global warming, is kind of outdated. It's no longer global warming. It's global climate change. Because it's not just that the world is getting warmer. Certain areas that are supposed to be cold get warmer.

Other areas that are supposed to be warm get colder. So it's climate change. It's an overall net effect. Why would they rebrand it? Global warming had such a nice ring to it. Because it's more nuance. It's no longer global. It's not just global warming.

There's also an effect that Nova did a documentary. about called global dimming because the same process that is that causes global warming in certain other areas deflects sunlight like in the in i forget which regions but it is it never never land in that region oh gosh all right sorry sorry guys you tuned into the biggest problem in the universe what you got instead was the glenbeck radio program no i don't what are you talking about i'm not saying it's not happening i'm just saying what's the hell's the big deal Are you serious? Do you want me to just pull up Wikipedia and read?

You can do that. Do you want me to enroll you in a climatology class? Like what do you want? No, no, no, I don't want that. How is it? It's a big problem because of numerous things. First of all, temperatures rise and crops die. We get droughts.

We get more intense hurricanes. Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. So me using squiggly light bulbs is stopping all the crops from dying and they're being a dust bowl. really I don't okay you're that's a that's a that's a straw man attack

I'm not sure how is that look that's what it is to me I gotta use dumb squiggly light bulbs yeah people yell at me when I leave the shower on

why do you leave the shower on because I like I like letting the shower warm up before I get in there well that's different do you leave it on after you're done sometimes I sometimes I actually just go in there

and take a nap I do that at hotels like when I go to Vegas and I hung over I like the white noise of the shower so I'll get up in the morning turn the shower on and just lay on the floor for...

You know what? I honestly don't have a problem with that. You should be able to sleep in the shower. Because until Las Vegas is decimated, until Dubai is decimated, these cities cannot possibly exist in the future. They are absolutely unsustainable. Like, especially Dubai. Have you ever been to Dubai? No.

So I went there a long time ago with my friend and my friend asked, do you think this city will be around? What kind of friend are we talking about? A lady friend? It was a lady friend. All right. Okay. So you... Was.

Was is the operative word. Okay. I don't need to get into this specific of it. We went to Dubai. You took a beautiful lady friend to Dubai. Yeah. So, and she said, well, do you think it'll be around for a while? And I said, I don't think...

This is just no fucking way. You just look around. There's too much of everything. And you can't survive in the desert. It's like 120 degrees. You cannot survive without air conditioning. So everybody... I mean, everything is artificial.

Electricity's running whole day long. Sure. They have snow. They have a ski slope in Dubai. Like, it's completely unsustainable. Las Vegas needs to be decimated. Dubai needs to be decimated. Yeah, but you say needs to be, but I'll tell you what these cities can run on is money, like indefinitely.

Okay. Right? I mean, that money works irrespective of the environment, so. Yeah, so keep piping that environment in. No big deal. Okay, great. Okay, so Dust Bowl, I'm writing down your problems with global warming. Dust Bowl.

Potentially. Check that off. Famine, drought. Famine, hold on. Rising ocean levels. Okay, that's a big one. Rising ocean levels. So what, we're losing a bunch of buildings?

Not, it's not, it's not, you know, it's not as intense yet. I mean, my landlord raised my rent $40 this week a month. I wouldn't mind his building getting knocked out. Yeah, I wouldn't either. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny. I'll just move, I'll move in a little bit. Yeah. No, I'm on board with that.

I'll go buy some desert property like Lex Luther. Bring it on. I'm going to be camped out right on where the beach is going to be. So here's the thing. If I say anything in defense of global climate change, then I'm going to sound like a bleeding heart liberal, which I'm not. I'm not a liberal and I'm not a conservative. But I do want to say this. I do want to say this. Here's the thing about global climate change. Back in the 70s or 60s, whenever these models first came out, scientists were predicting these models back then. And the argument against these models came from the conservative side, and they said, no, it doesn't exist. Well, over time, the evidence became irrefutable. and their argument changed. They said, okay, well, it exists, but it's not man-made. So now they're kind of shifting... I mean, but you're just giving, like, liberal talking points.

No, no, but I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying I don't care. But I'll tell you... Okay, go ahead. Like, who I trust are the people who had a model and predicted it to begin with. The side on the right didn't predict shit. And follow the money.

The money's always with the oil companies. Oil companies are paying for studies to counter climate change scientists. Like, oil companies have a vested interest in preventing any kind of legislation that prevents, you know, any kind of emissions caps or anything like that. So I don't trust the oil companies. I trust scientists more than oil companies. You trust scientists?

More than oil companies. Let me ask you something. How do you think science grants work? Well, I don't know. I've never received one. They have to work around the year ginning up money from people who have it to fund their experiments. Okay. And then those experiments better pay off.

They better have found. what they were looking for. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you're treating science like it's a religion. It's not. It's just a bunch of dummies in labs trying to make money. Yeah, well, science to me is not the end-all-deal. I mean, I agree with that. There's a problem. There's a lot of people. You know what I'm saying? You know what? I'll be serious with you. It seems like every time global warming comes up online, people just get irate.

Yeah. What is the deal with that? Like, what other, what else do people get so angry about? abortion. I mean, what, like, what are they so afraid of? Right? Do you know what I'm saying at all? Why is everyone so pissed off about this? About global warming.

About the global warming? Yeah. Well, I feel like the people on the left. Like what are you going to go yell at China? Hey, you guys, stop making cement over here, stop all these emissions. Like, good luck. So, yeah, I can acknowledge the problem. How do you say Holocaust and I are in Chinese?

Because that's your only argument on this side. I can say that I can again. acknowledge the problem, but I'm not sure what the solution is, and I don't agree entirely with the left solution. Because if we legislate, let's say, let's say we waived a magic wand, and we made America. And all of the light bulbs are squiggly light bulbs. All the light bulbs are low mission. And I'm driving an electric car powered by a nuclear, powered by a bunch of windmills, excuse me, we can't have nuclear reactors. Yeah, sure, windmills and ferries and clean coal technology, whatever, whatever new thing is, right, that massages the energy out of the earth. Whatever that magic technology is,

Let's say we waived a magic wand and did that. Uh-huh. Do you think China's going to give a shit? No. Of course not. No. China is soon becoming, if not already, the largest polluter in the world. We can't legislate the world.

There's a pollution gap. We can't let that happen. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We need makeup. Remember when the Russians had all the bombs and we were racing them with bombs? Yeah. We got to pollute just as much as those damn Chinese. Oh, what do you call it?

So we had the Cold War. What is this? The smog war? Yeah. Yeah, the smog war. like that. It's like a Godzilla movie. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I think I'm making sense. I'm not just being a jackass. No, I disagree. You are definitely being a jackass. But it's like, it's like, no, no, no, it's like I was up at my sister's house and I left the shower on.

Like I like to turn the shower on, then I'll go get some coffee and have a conversation. Then I'll come back up and take my shower. And I'm downstairs and she yells at me for leaving the shower on. And I'm like, whatever. I get home and there is a fire hydrant in the middle of the street in Hollywood, spraying out water, how many hundreds of gallons a second, and it's taped off with police tape that has clearly been there for the whole weekend. So I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you stressing out over five minutes of unoccupied shower when there is a broken fire hydrant dumping water into the street?

Yeah, it gets even worse than that. Exactly. I'm on board with that. Because until the government takes their own water usage seriously, I don't give a fuck if I leave the tap running a few extra seconds. And I have a friend who... I have my tap on right now at home. My toilet's been running since I moved into this apartment.

I haven't bothered to tell my landlord. That actually did happen to me. I have one of those stupid flush-a-matic toilets. Like, it doesn't have a tank. I flushed it. It didn't broke. It wouldn't flush. I think because I tried to flush a condom down it. You're not supposed to do that.

And I looked up online if you're supposed to do that and said don't. I was like, I'm going to do it anyway. And sure enough, it jammed. You know what that condom is full of your poop now? It's probably jammed up in the hole and you just got poop in the condom because your turds go down there. I didn't poop in it after it was stuck.

No, no, but your turts, like your condoms probably lodged in the... I don't think about what happens to my condom when I'm done with it. Yeah, it's got poop in it. Anyway, I called the maintenance guy and he's like, I'll fix it tomorrow. I'm like, okay, so I guess this toilet's just gonna flush

like this for a day. Yeah. Yeah, well, uh... Look, you understand what I'm saying. Everyone's pissed off and there's nothing you can do. Like stop getting so upset about something you have no control over. Well, that goes back to my plastic bag ban problem a while ago, which does absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Do you know the number one source of waste in this world is corporate waste? You got to let me guess because I'm always going to guess something funny. No, okay. What would you have guessed? You. All right. I'm the number one source of weight. I can't do it now.

It's too. The moment's past. All right. Okay. I'll let you guess. So anyway, it's corporate waste. It's industrial waste. Lifetime.

I read this study about it. What, Lifetime? That's a bigger waste. The channel, the TV show? Yeah. Yeah, you got me there. I read the study a while back that said if every single person in the United States had like even 95% efficiency in their recycling, it would reduce overall waste in the United States by about 5%. Yeah.

That's if everybody did it. Because industrial waste is so much bigger. It's so much bigger. It's a drop in the bucket. Oh, our little, oh, our, you know, oh, let's turn off the light switch here. Let's turn off the water so we don't run in an extra second or two. Yeah. It makes absolutely no difference.

You go down to City Hall, they got this giant fucking fountain outside that's running 24 hours a day, and people say, well, it's recycled water. Yeah, but it's evaporating like crazy. Yeah, it's a giant, there's a black body, and it's evaporating. There's mathematical formulas that tell you how many gallons of water evaporating. Look, let me make the argument, okay? This math stuff, if you try to do that at City Council, they're going to tune right out. Let me, because I'll show up in like a white suit, like a preacher. Hey, water, water's the devil.

Did you know that all water is possessed by Satan? And then they'll, you know what I'm saying, they'll be on board. I'll get those Korean church guys to come with me too with their signs. Are they Vietnamese church guys? Korean. Korean, yeah, I thought so. Korean church guys. I like those guys.

All right, that's my problem. The Diet Coke farcicle test took so long. that we're running short on time. All right. Oh, yeah, we are. And we still have to read the answers for that. Okay, well, real quick, I'll get to my last problem. It's self-checkout lanes

at grocery stores. You are dead wrong. Oh, bring it, buddy. Oh, bring it, buddy. Oh, I'm going to bury you and I'm going to throw the shovel into your forehead. I will punch you if you win this argument. Oh, I'm absolutely winning.

Okay, why do you like them? First of all. Because it's an express lane for people who understand the basics of checkouts. Dumb people have to sit in the line and smart people who are like slightly above average intelligence finally get a break in the world. We can take our groceries to the self-checkout line

and run them through and get the hell out of the store. And plus you can slip a little something into your bag every once in a while and not pay for it. Great, so you're a thief. It's good for thieves, I guess. Great, if you're a thief, then self-checkout lanes are awesome. And everything else I said. No, no, no.

Let me tell you a phrase why self-checkout lanes are not awesome. Please remove the last item from the baggage area. Okay, there's... Please, their functionality is in question. Yeah, it's always broken. That shit never fucking works. It's almost always slower unless you have a few items.

If you have a few items... To find all of these definite things you're saying, like always and never. I'll tell you why it's slower. What percentage of the time would you say it's broken? I'd say about 30 to 40% of the time. Holy shit. Because the buttons don't work. Something doesn't click.

The attendant has to be notified. And I'll tell you what, Dick. here's a problem why you shouldn't like these at all. You can't buy alcohol at them. I know, I hate that. Yeah. So you have to stand in line anyway,

and guess what? Now they have fewer cashiers because now they've replaced a bunch of them with fucking robots that don't work. Okay, hold on. I feel like you're making a lot of sense right now. You got to slow down. I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach

when someone's proving me wrong. You bet. Well, with that 30 to 40% thing, I think you've just shown that you fail the intelligence test of using those machines. No, I know how to. to use the machine. I was a computer programmer.

I'm not an idiot. You get a C at using it. If you fail 30% of the time, that's a C minus, bro. I don't fail. It's a fucking buggy system. That shit's always out of order. Oh, out of service. The machine's flipped up. And then if you have to stand behind some Midwest housewife who's using coupons,

God, how the hell is she going to figure that out? It's the greatest system ever because there's one line and there's eight things. And anybody like you who screws it up habitually can sit there and fuck around and waste their afternoon while everybody else cycles through. It's perfect.

It's the only thing that grocery stores have done right since they invented laser scanners. They're slower and they've done... There's no way you have stats on this. There is no way. There's no way. There's no way. Where did you get this? Some right-wing think tank? Nope.

MassLive.com. So check this out. After extensive research, Big Y, there's a grocery store chain in the, I believe it's in the northeast. Big Y has concluded that these self-checkout lanes not only do not save their customers' time, but usually take them seven more time, excuse me, they usually take them even more time to checkout than customers in standard checkout lanes. The company said in a statement Wednesday,

self-checkout lines get clogged as the customers need to wait for store staff to assist with problems with barcodes, coupons, payment problems, and other issues that invariably arise with many transactions. So they get clogged by morons, like I was saying. Yeah, everyone's a moron except for the cashier. And by the way, I don't like to memorize produce code. cashiers have produce code memorized. Well, you can't bring your produce code through the... This is what you're doing.

You're trying to do dumb stuff with the self-checkout. You can't bring fruit through? Why not? Because it's not how it works. It's something... You take a good idea and you ruin it by trying to cram shit through. What is like this?

It's like watching a child try to use a Play-Doh Fun Factory. You just jam it up and you ruin it for people like me who love it. Mm-hmm. So this is from NBC News. Albertsons, which operates 217 stores in seven Western and Southern States, will eliminate all self-checkout lanes No! No!

In the 100 stores that have them and will replace them with standard or express lanes, as spokesman said. Oh, fuck that. Wilcox said that the replacement of the automated checkout lanes with human-operated lanes likely would mean more hours available

for employees to work. So it's increasing employment. Yeah, no. Yeah, it's helping unemployment. Of course you want robots, and they don't fucking work. And by the way, here's a problem. Oh, yeah, here's a problem with self-checkout lines.

and I'll race you. If you get 10 or 15 of the same item, like if you're going to buy a bunch of Kool-Aid or a bunch of, I don't know, beer or something. Wait a minute. Yeah. If you're going to buy a bunch of Kool-Aid. Whatever you're going to buy.

That's the first thing that popped into your mind. Say you're going to buy a bunch of bottles of Tabasco. That's what I buy. So if you're buying 10 or 15 bottles of Tabasco and you're going through the self-checkout line. And a bushel of apples. Yeah, well, whatever I fucking buy. Don't judge what I eat. Do you load this stuff on your bike?

Yeah. Right in your town. I used to, when they had plastic. bags, which I can't do anymore. I have to carry around these bullshit latex bags everywhere. Oh, you're doing it, you're doing a disservice to humanity right now, shitting on self-checkout lines. Everybody should adopt to the technology, not the other way around, not in this case. No. This is a beautiful thing that we had and you're ruining it. Your people are ruining it. I feel like, this is Atlas Shrugged. All right, who's the guy in Atlas Shrugged? I'm that

guy and I'm watching. It's a chick and it's you. No, the guy, the woman wrote it, but it's about a guy. That's you. I don't know, man. I haven't read that bullshit. I'm leaving a sleep because this is what it's about. makes you so happy. Libertarians love self-checkout lines and they don't fucking work, and this is why libertarians are fucked because it's, and you know what, I'm not even going to call you call you. I'm not going to call you names like that here. I'm not even going to say libertarian anymore. I'm going to say libertarian theorist because it is a theory. There has never been a successful libertarian government. It's always been a theory. And for somebody who like,

well, yeah, somebody who, I mean, first of all, I'm not. Evidence. Okay, well, fine. But I'll tell you what, all my libertarian friends love self-checkout lanes. But here's the problem. Let me finish us. If you go. going through with 10 or the same item, it doesn't fucking matter what you're buying. There is no multiplication key. You have to scan each individual. No, there isn't. You have to scan each individual item.

You can't even get it to work 40% of the time and you're going to figure out how to use a multiplication key. Get out of here. No, the cashiers use multiplication keys. If I'm going through, even at the dollar store, as dumb as they are, they know. If I have 10 items, they say, how many do you have? I say 10, and they scan one, and it's all scanned. You don't have to scan each one.

It takes an eternity. You want to race? You want to go to CVS and race me on this? You know what? I will squash your ass in a self-checkout line. You know why? Because I won't even check out. I'll just run out the door. I swear to God I'll beat you at a self-checkout line.

Anywhere. Any time, any store. Oh, bring it, Bozo. You know what? I will get a tattoo if you beat me at a self-checkout line. Oh, you're on. You're on. If the line isn't a factor. Look, if the line's short... What do you mean if the line isn't a factor?

That's the whole point! No, but the lines are longer because of these self-checkout lanes. The lines in the... the dummy aisle? They're not the dummy aisle, the smart aisle. That's what I call them. Yeah. The person behind the counter who knows what the fuck he's doing.

Never. They never know what they're doing. See, you always have such a low opinion, but they do that thing every single day and they're good at it. No, they're not good at. They're checked out. They're better than you. They're better than the fucking grandmom standing behind. They're lazy because they're there for eight hours.

Everybody in the self-checkout line is incentivized to get out of there as quickly as fucking possible. Really? While they're juggling with their dog or talking on their cell phone, I've never had a cashier talk on their cell phone. Never. Really? Yeah. I have. Oh, great. What, one time? Every time I go through self-checkout, some dickhead is having phones on.

That matters. You, no, this whole thing with these bullshit statistics is why I hate statistics. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. I got stats for you. Yeah, no, I really do. Because your gut says, what does your gut say when you think self-checkout? Bullshit. You think great. Pain in the ass. No, I don't. Never. So these dickheads got paid to gin up a study on how these self-checkout lines. are bad, probably by the union, probably by unions, wanting to get more hours for their dummies. So they said, hey, guys, put together a bullshit study where you find that self-checkout lines

take too long. Wow, that's a great theory, dick, except it's completely fucking wrong, because the manager of this grocery store said that we save money with self-checkout lanes, but customers don't like them. Customer satisfaction service are consistently down. Of course they're stupid, but at least the cashiers do this every day, so they're somewhat good at it. Okay, all right. Just fine.

Whatever, just please leave me this one thing. Please, everybody, let me have the self-checkout line. I like it. I need it. So you can't buy alcohol? And you have to go with your dick in your hand at 2 a.m. stand in this long fucking line because they don't have any cashiers. And everyone's trying to beat the clock?

Huh? You've been there? There's a chick waiting out in the car. Oh, hold on. Sorry, I have to wait in this giant fucking monster line because self-checkout lanes exist and they don't hire enough cashiers. I have to beat the clock to buy this alcohol. They're not going to hire more cashiers because those self-checkout line.

checkout lines are not there. That's what the fucking... It just said that NBCUs! That's a lie. They're never going to do that. They are never going to overstaff to compensate for self-checkout line. Look at the too many fucking... Not enough bartenders problem.

That place was rolling in money. They just don't care. Nobody cares about your experience. At least with the self-checkout lines, you can manage your own experience. You can't buy alcohol. You can't multiply. You can't... And it increases shoplifting.

Go to the Wikipedia page for self-checkout lanes. Of course it increases shoplifting. Who cares? I don't own a grocery store. Neither to you. Fuck them. It raises. is the cost of everything because they

pass those losses onto us. No, they don't. Yes, they do. They say they do to trick criminals into not stealing. Wrong. No, no, no, no. They say that to trick good people like you into not stealing. I am not a good thing. That's why they say that. There's a whole system

of advertising set up just to keep you from becoming more like me where you'll walk out of a store with a bottle of liquor and not give a fuck. Yeah, but you also think that's not a crime. You're an idiot. How is it a crime? All liquor in the world belongs to me. I'm just letting the store borrow it.

You're lending it to them. Oh, so dumb. This may be your dumbest defense of an art. This is the worst thing you could pot. Like, this is, I think you're really doing a bad thing to society, which is why you are the biggest problem in the universe, which I said on the first fucking episode. Not according to everybody, literally everybody. I'm like watching this beautiful thing fall apart.

In 10 years, if self-checkout lines are gone because of you, I'll kill myself. Oh, man. you're on. So go to the Wikipedia page. One last thing I want to say about this, go to the Wikipedia page

of self-checkout scanners. Under the advantages, there's one sentence. And under the disadvantages, there's a giant paragraph. What's the advantage? The advantage is that it saves stores money. No, the advantage is that it's for you.

The consumer. No. The only time it's faster is if I have one or two items and I'm going through and there's no line, I'll go to self-checkout line. It's sometimes faster. But usually if I have...

Otherwise, you go to the dummy register? It's not the dummy register. calling you that. If I have 10 or 15 items, it's quicker. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, I'm trying to make my case, I mean, with all the tricks I can. You've got to brand things, so people hear it. Well, yeah. Now, you can't buy alcohol. It's a pain in the dick. You have to wait for inept customers talking on their cell phones, which I mentioned. Grocer stores have found that decreased customer satisfaction. I mean, I'm just repeating myself. It's garbage. Let's get to the time. My satisfaction greatly increased. Great. Well, again, Dick Masters

Mr. Simpson's biggest problem in Dick Masterson's universe. Okay. We're getting ready to self-checkout lines. Let's hear, can we hear the results? The results. This better not be some bullshit either where none of it was McDonald's Diet Coke. Well, you would know that, wouldn't you? So, Dick guessed C and Sean guessed E.

Is that correct? Can we get a drum roll? Do you have a drum roll? I wish. No, we'll have to have that in post-off. Can we get a boner sound effect at least? That's almost as good as a drum roll. I had the, I had the drum roll cueed up. Here's the bono.

Pretty good. Yeah. All right. Or if you lose it. I've seen, by the way, I've seen Sean play a drum roll with an erection with his dick. Right. You remember that? Yeah.

You remember that. That's pretty gross. Cool. All right. So you said, again, you said dick said C. Sean said E. A was McDonald's. Shit, I knew it.

I knew it was A. The worst tasting one was McDonald's. The ones that you guys, you had a consensus. You said that was the worst. I was tasting one. That was the worst. That was McDonald's. Because you know why?

I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. D was the worst to me, but A was bad. I still have some A. Let me try it. Oh, Sean, you say D was the worst? Because guess what? D was also McDonald's.

They were... Where did you go? Like, Vermont and 56? Wait a minute. Terrible. Those were both terrible. No, no, no. Hold on.

But he's got... He did something really smart here. Because we said every single flavor was different, and now he's established that two of them were the same. So we... Hold on, Sean. I understand that. Hold on. We really look like huge assholes right now. Hold on. Hold on. Maddox, you really, you really fucking duped me and Sean, this was a great dupe.

Yeah, this is awesome. I'm awesome. I'm awesome. I'm giving myself applause. I'm a winner. What's that, Sean? Well done. Well done. No, I just thought that Yeah, A and D both tasted like shit. Yeah, those were the McDonald's ones. And I'll tell you why. I think the reason I even thought D was worse was because I had just drank something that was better.

You know, A was the first one, and then I was like, okay, well, C's pretty good. And then D was back to, God, this is horrible. Okay, let me tell you why this experiment is totally false and these results are invalid. First of all, it's because, it's because I have a couple different explanations. Sure. Number one, I'm so used to the delicious taste of McDonald's Diet Coke that it's when it's in this crappy plastic cup, it's a huge disappointment.

They're all in the plastic cup. Yeah, but this one smelled the worst in the little plastic cup. I don't know what to tell you. It's shit. Okay, so B was from a place called Daphne's, a Greek cafe, I went and got their fountain soda just for comparison. Okay. C, you're correct. I'm so pissed off.

That's such a, you got, ah, you set it up so perfectly to with two of the three of the same. Yeah. Did you do it on purpose? Of course. Knowing that we would say they're all different and that would be a, oh man. Just as a control.

Fuck. Yeah. C, you were correct. This feels like the end of like Ocean's 11 where like it was revealed that it was like a double heist and they even tricked the audience. Uh-huh. Yeah. So C was the can.

You were correct. C is for can. I used C was the can. Okay. And D was McDonald's as we mentioned and E was the bottle. I got a plastic bottle of Coke, Diet Coke rather. Yeah. Okay.

So there you go. That's amazing that the two. Two were, well, it was the same McDonald's, obviously, but it tasted the worst by far, by far. I will say this, though. I will say to corroborate a little bit of what you guys said, I taste it. Oh, fuck you. Don't give us a consolate.

Don't corroborate us after the fact. Oh, I feel so good. Just shut up and take your win. All right, the biggest problem in the universe.com. And by the way, I'm getting a lot of people who don't know where the overall list of the problems are. If you click on the problems, in the upper right hand corner, you'll see the comprehensive list. We'll probably have to add that to the table at some point. But, yeah.

What table? Just so that there's a link to all the problems underneath the weekly problems on the main page. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, we'll add that. Can you, what's the biggest problem in the universe right now? What's ranked right now? Because you can vote on all the problems we've ever had and, like, it's got links to the episodes that they were featured in. Yeah, I don't have that up at the moment.

But we'll bring that in next time. We'll go over all the comprehensive list. Anyway, so the biggest problem in the universe.com, don't forget to vote. We are number nine on iTunes comedy podcast. Pretty fucking awesome. Man, you really nailed it. You really fucked me this week. I cannot believe it.

Such a winner. Thanks, guys.