The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 80

Episode Date: June 7, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from bad spellers to pen and teller. There's over 4 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what shooter shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as dick. What's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. And in studio today's Randy, the Silent Observer.

Thank you for joining us. Welcome back. Episode 80. Hey, I love that bit that you do at the beginning of the episode. Yeah, it's fun. I just realized that's what spawned the whole episode. not the apple computing debate, of course. Is you bringing it in?

The apple fruit debate. Remember, it was bad apples to bad people? Bad people to bad apples, yeah. We got to settle that debate, too, in the bonus episode, starting December. What is the date that it's coming out? The first Monday of December, it's going to be an early Christmas miracle. December 7th. December 7th. Yeah.

There you go. December 7th is due day. We'll be finding out once in Pearl Harbor. Isn't that Pearl Harbor Day? Is it December 7th? Did I accidentally make a Pearl Harbor? Harbor reference? I think so. I didn't mean to. Well, don't do it again.

Oh, it is December 7th. It's Pearl Harbor Day. That's the day our episode is coming out. Guys, thank you for supporting the show. Go listen to the bonus episode, download it, support it. We're going to be celebrating it by eating Fuji apples. We're going to comparing them to Red Delicious Apples. We're going to finally settle that debate. So Dick, you've got a big week.

I want to get to the exciting news first, but let's go. Let's rush through who got more. votes or whatever it is. Oh, that'll derail us. I gotta get this out at the top of the show, because we already talked about Penn, I mentioned Penn Tillers. Just brace right through the Islam. We don't know who cares about Islam. It's not even worth talking about. Who cares? Who cares? Yeah. It's simple. That's how every pundit should settle every Islam conversation. Who cares, right? No, not even four or five hours ago, I posted my Penn and Teller video.

Right. Okay, I'd been teasing it for... Dating. We're recording on Friday. Dating the show. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. People know we record in advance. So I recorded this Penn Teller episode and finally released it. And I'd been kind of teasing it for a long time. And people have been asking me, almost every week I got an email from somebody asking me to talk about that, what my experience was on that show. Overwhelming response.

Yeah. Yeah. They thought it was an uncharacteristic portrayal of me on Penn and Teller. And it was. So I made this video and I released it. And lo and behold, not even, I would say, what, 30, 40, 40, 40, minutes after I released the video, already got a response from Mr. Penn Gillette himself. Oh!

Yeah. Like a big old fat trout biting on that line, right? Reel that bitch in. Real that libertarian bitch in. He's lost weight. He's lost weight, actually. Oh, what did he have, gastric bypass? No, he just... Did he shit out of prostitute that he actually got caught in one of his cheap, shitty magician suits? You're going to feel like an asshole. No, he did lose weight. Somebody sought his ass in half during the show.

Just by dieting. Let's give him a chance. Give him a chance, okay? Roy Zingfried and Roy gave him aides. They lost a bunch of weight. Oh, too far. Lost them. Lost them on that one.

So, Penn, so somebody tweeted to Pendjolet. Shortly after I posted the new video and article, and I go into a lot of depth and detail about how one of the producers from the show hit me up afterwards and wanted me to promote his book, which is very similar to mine, actually. Shameless. Yeah, very shameless. And I kind of explain how a lot of companies and production companies in Hollywood come out to people on the internet who have huge internet followings, and they think that, you know, we're going to

cowtow and beg and grovel to be on their TV show because it's Big Hollywood, right? Because everyone wants to be on TV. Yeah, right? Why not? For free. Of course. It's unpaid, by the way. Nobody pays anyone anything, except for the volunteers they had on the show.

No, that was shocking to me as well. After I was on Dr. Phil and Tyra, like telling everybody that they don't pay you anything is shocking to people. Right. They don't. Because the world is full of whores who just want to be on TV for attention. Well, they're also very, very greedy people, I think. They have the budget. They're making millions and millions of dollars.

They don't pay you even a pittance. They don't pay you anything. Not even $20 for gas. Not even a gift bag. Not even like, like here's some toilet paper. Thanks for making our program. When you and I had our YouTube show, the live show for YouTube, we had. a gift bag for all our guests, didn't we?

Yes. With whiskey, Star Wars toys, a blanket? We had, like, it was awesome. It was a really good gift. We are a very classy gentleman. We almost gave the audience even t-shirts, free t-shirts, but then you forgot them. Oh, yeah. So even, in every case, everyone got something.

Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. But I did not get a parting gift for being on Penn and Teller. I got a party misquotation out of context. I didn't even give you lube or how bad that. They fucked you on that episode. So, yeah, I posted that... It was bad.

It was bad. It was bad. I posted a lot of hate mail on my website, too. You should check out the article. I finally posted, I think three or four new piece of email. I read it on the way over. I like that puke guy. Yeah, he's great, right?

It made me happy, genuinely happy reading that. He was proud of getting more pussy than you at 55 years old. Buddy, if you're 55 and you're bragging about getting pussy, you got a problem. Yeah, and also... You got to grow up. And also, your problem isn't too much pussy, because you're probably not getting any. Well, well... I mean, I don't, but what are you getting, right?

Like, you're hitting up the 65-year-olds, you're swinging by the geriatric home, in your Buick-Lisaber and cruising for G-Milf's there? Picking them up on the pharmacy line. Yeah, right? You know what he is getting big, red, shiny bumps on his penis? Because old people get a higher rate of STDs than any other rated population, except for young teenagers. Let's not talk about STDs.

Ever since Viagra, right? Yeah. Yeah, Viagra has actually spawned a... a huge bump in that, a huge bump in their bumps on the junks. So anyway, I got this guy, his name is Lord Matthew on Twitter. He tweeted my link at Penn Gillette. Oh, great. Right? And he says, yeah.

Penn Gillette, you're about to get one million tweets to this link. And he quotes my website. He says, I'm a big fan of Penn and Maddox, so I hope you make up. Then Penn Gillette replies about 15 minutes later. He says, it was one minute on a very, very old show. Sorry, I just don't remember. I'm sure he's a great guy. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Savage. A little dismissive. Yeah. And I wasn't sure you can't really get tone online, right? So Lord Matthew replies to him and he says, Pendelet, yeah, I was a big fan of you both when I saw that episode and knew something was up as it didn't reflect Maddox rules as I knew it at all. So he knew something was up. And then Pendelet replied and he says, yep, probably our fault on everything.

Just don't remember. What? Uh-huh. He's almost like taking responsibility for whatever they may have done on the show. I think he was just like, hey, stop tweeting at me. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. It sounds like a complete mea culpa, right? My fault. Go away.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of. And then Love of Bread 13 tweets at Penn. He says, I really hope a full-blown video war breaks out between Maddox and Penn Gillette. It would be hilarious. And then Penn Gillette replies to him and says, I'm a peacnik. He wins.

Yeah, how interesting. Yeah. For a guy who made a career on all those eight years of making people look like complete assholes. Yeah. To take that position, I do not respect. I think he is, though, because one of my friends said they went to his show recently, and he said it was an okay show, but the highlight of it for him wasn't the show itself. He was a little underwhelmed by the magic.

But afterwards, he said that Penn and Teller both took the time to meet and greet every single person who came to the show. Oh. They stood in line and at least shook everyone's hand and said, thank you for coming, that sort of thing. I think that is really nice, very classy. So I replied. I bet it was. I bet it was that fucking quiet one that was really running the scenes in that show. Yeah, that Teller was probably like, we gotta fuck this guy Maddox.

I'm jealous of him because I am also bald and that guy looks better than me. He is the Dick Cheney of the Penn & Teller group. Yeah. The Dick Cheney to Penn Gillette's George W. Bush. Then I replied, I said, you know what? that seems kind of a little conciliatory. So I replied to Pendelet, I replied on Twitter. I said, you guys, Pendelet has responded.

Takes the classy route. Pretty cool. Pendelet, I owe you an autograph. That's funny. And then someone else tweeted a pen. He said, his name is Mush Raytiar. He says, Pendulet, shame that on your show years ago that you tried to make Maddox rules a fool.

Maddox rules my Twitter handle. He says, maybe you should apologize. Best page in the universe. And then Pendulate replies to him and says, I'm sorry. Oh, great. Yeah, I'll take it. Go vote down in sincere apologies.

Oh, that sounded sincere. He apologized. Oh, good, you got it. Takes a big man. Yeah. Great, I'm happy. He's a big man. Yeah.

You guys, last week, biggest problem in the universe from last week was not all blank knee jerks, which I still don't know what the fuck it is. And then followed by zealots, which again affirms my sincere belief that you guys are idiots. Oh. Huge, horse-faced morons who eat dog food. You know what?

You're right. Probably our fault. Whose fault? What do you mean? I'm just doing a pin. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's what we're all going to do. Just apologize from now on.

Okay, I see. Right, Maddox. You got us. Yeah. You don't think I made any good points with the not-all-need-jerk thing? Randy got it. Honestly, Dick, I wasn't even sure what you were trying to argue. I really want.

Because you realize that the not all knee-jerk people that you were complaining about, the people who were saying not all Muslims, et cetera, et cetera. They're not doing it. Not all men. Right. They're not proactive. They're responding to people who are being bigoted. No, I think they're being proactive.

I think they're, somebody defined it in the comments as virtue signaling, a process of just like looking like you're virtuous and wanting to get affirmation for looking like you're virtuous. Yeah. I think that's what it's about. I think it's partly that. and I think it's partly about being like regressively left. Well, the problem is, Dick, if it weren't the case that a mosque was set on fire over the weekend

and a Muslim woman was beat in front of her child while she was picking him up for school and a taxi cab driver was crying in New York because he said that everyone is afraid to get in his cab and he was crying? He's not a Muslim. Yeah. God.

And if it weren't for these reprisal attacks against Sikhs, no, I know, I know. Because he would end it with crying? No, I mean, there's more. I could read the whole tweet, but it's a whole fucking page. Did no one show these people the hashtag? That one, somebody should have been, that woman should have whipped out her Twitter and said, look, look, violent attackers. It's not all Muslims.

Dick, you know, it's a tragedy what happened in Paris. And the only thing that would be more tragic is more tragedy. Literally, if more people got killed in reprisal attacks, because violence begets violence, hatred begets hatred. and more people are just going to get pissed off and kill other people because it's that same ideology, the belief that it's the majority of people who are causing this problem that caused ISIS to attack us because they view us as bad guys and they don't discriminate, they don't differentiate between good and bad Westerners.

They want to kill all Westerners because we are bad to them, right? And it's that exact same ideology. I don't think they just want to kill Westerners. I think they just want their fucking, religion to take over the world. Like their version of it. Well, their version of it. Yeah, sure. Which isn't, which isn't, which isn't any kind of like mainstream Islamic belief at all. Well, I don't know that. The stats that I saw in like opinion polls were pretty scary for like how many Muslims support Sharia law.

How many like, how many. That's different, dude. Sharia law is really bad. I know. But Dick, first of all, those polls, those opinion polls where they're just polling people and say, hey, do you support Sharia law? I looked into some of those questions they were asking them, and they were asking them very specific questions about different facets of Sharia law that they support, which is retribution for crime, justice, their criminal justice system, et cetera, et cetera.

It's not saying, it's not getting people, Muslim people on record as saying, yes, 100% we agree with Sharia law. Like most Americans are American and they're patriots and they're nationalistic, right? To some degree. Yeah. But that doesn't mean they swallow everything their country or nation does whole.

Well, I mean, that's the Sharia law statistic. I don't want to get too far into this because I think people are kind of sick of hearing about it. I will say this. For the not all blank knee jerks, I think they necessarily shut down a conversation that needs to happen. I think Islam has not gone through a reformation

like Christianity did in the, I don't know, during the Protestant revolution. Because this happened at one point, Christians were all killing each other. Like Protestants and Catholics were slaughtering each other wholesale because they thought their version was the right one. It went through a reformative period. I think it would be great if we could have a conversation if that started happening with Islam.

And I think that the people who also want that to happen are, we're not doing them a service by aggressively going after any critique of Islam, which I think the Internet does. Dick, this isn't an academic debate that's going on about Islam and fundamentalism. This is, here, I got a quote here from Jaden Hasty says, fuck off. Islam. He says it's about worshiping a 40-year-old peto. Sorry, they take religion seriously when the book allows you to justify killing people to get into heaven. It's probably

a violent religion. And he has a little smiley emo. All religion has violent acts, but most of them have let go of them. And guess fucking what? Islam isn't one of them. Any academic that isn't biased in their thinking, and they will tell you you, oh, he said, ask any academic.

Now, this is his grammatical mistake here. Anyway, they will tell you I've seen the wrong voice to read this, though. Oh, that's true. I don't know when you were talking, when the fan's talking. That's because I got to lose more teeth for this one. It says they'll tell you all the nasty shit Islam causes. Religion is the biggest problem in the universe.

There it is a little bit at the end. You know, I kept asking this question. I came up with a new rhetorical device or new rhetorical category, okay? You know, it's what I just realized. Look at how proud of himself. I know. I'm so happy. I'm so happy, okay?

Yeah. Here it is. it's called the Cowards Dilemma. Okay, cowards dilemma. You came up with this? I came up with this. It's my own, my very own. So you have all these people who are afraid of Islamophobic.

They're afraid that Islam will cause terrorism. They're afraid of accepting Syrian refugees into America, et cetera, et cetera, right? They're Islamophobic. And they're saying, well, let's have this discussion. Hold on, let me finish this. They're saying, let's have this discussion, right? Let's just have a conversation because you guys are saying we can't even talk about it. So they pussyfoot around the actual solution, which is you got to get rid of Islam.

They'll pussyfoot around it. Wait a minute. When you put, when you pin that, let me finish this. Oh, yeah, okay. When you try to pin them on it and say, well, what do you suggest? Do you suggest a big book burning? Should we just ban Islam or should we just cause a genocide? Because that's essentially what you guys are getting at.

If you find that Islam is the cause of terrorism and Islam is the cause of violence, even though countries like Morocco with 99.9% Muslims, no terrorism there. Even though with 32 million people, no terrorism, but let's ignore the facts. Let's just say that you find that evidence. What's the solution? And then the coward's dilemma comes in. They're too cowardly, right? They're afraid of Islam, and they're also afraid of the solution.

What are you, what's the solution? That's the cowardice dilemma. I've noticed this in your thinking. I think it frightens you to talk about something when there is no easy solution. like criticizing Islam and finding that there's major problems with it and that they force people under penalty of death to join the religion in like areas that are heavily influenced by radical Islam or even not so radical Islam but slightly radicalism.

I think you're very concerned about what the solution is when we should put a lot more time into discussing the problem. Like there's not an easy solution to a lot of things and this is one of them. I don't believe the people, I think that everybody who's saying this right now, The majority of them on Twitter and on Facebook and on forums on the internet are disingenuous because they're not interested in an actual solution. They're interested in bigotry and pointing fingers.

Because if you're interested in a solution, why don't you take the Quran challenge? There's this website. It's called the Quran challenge. They said, if you think that the Quran is a violent text and it incites violence, then read it. Why don't you fucking read it? That's the way, if you want to have that conversation, Dick,

you can't just sit on, that's slacktivism. If you're just sitting on Facebook, Well, let's have a conversation. But you can't control how people interpret scripture. Yeah. Well, that's true, Sean. And that's, there's the rub. There are definitely violent passages in the Koran, though.

But, but, like, that's the whole point of Sharia law. Again, again. Like, you're killed for leaving it. That's, like, expressly stated. Yeah, but it's not actually practiced. It's not, like, in the, in the Bible, in the Old Testament, they have all sorts of crazy shit. See, but this is the Reformation thing that you're missing. Don't interrupt.

It's eye for an eye. Oh, don't interrupt. Like what? You're just going to talk more. about your cowards dilemma. This is the Reformation that I was talking about. They got rid of the old stuff and modernized. Religions have to modernize.

Okay, but not everybody agrees with that shithead, and that's what I'm talking about. They're Christian extremists who are exactly the same as Muslim extremists, and they don't represent Christians any more than the Muslims represent Muslims. Yeah, well, they're not committing a shitload of terrorist attacks. They're not growing by the day. They don't control millions of dollars in oil. You don't hear about them because we are getting our news from Western media.

If you spend time in China, you hop on Google News in China, and guess what? It's all going to be Chinese news outlets. And if you spend time in the Middle East, it's all going to be Middle Eastern news outlets from Middle East and journalists who have that point of view of that perspective from where they live. We have a filter on us. When I went to Mexico, I talked to some of the Mexican guys down there, and I said, you guys ever want to come to America? They said, hell no. Please, Latin Americans, Mexicans, that's offensive. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. Trying to make this funny. So they said they said they didn't want to come to America because all they hear about in their news is gang violence and drugs and militarized police. They're afraid of America because that's all their news reports. Well, that sounds exactly like Mexico. Exactly.

The cartels and the militarized police. There you go, Sean. And the bribing of judges. Wait, do you think our... I can't even... What are you talking about? Mexico does not think America is worse off than Mexico. Of course.

Mexico has gangs in charge. An article. just came out that said for the first time in 40 years that Mexican immigration has reversed. More Mexicans are leaving America for the first time in 40 years. Yes, it's a fact. We got to get that wall up to keep them in here so we can keep all the cheap labor.

We're going to talk about that, buddy. I saw that article, though. Hey, before we go on, though, I want to tell everyone, go vote up emojis because Oxford Dictionary's word of the year this year was a pictograph. It's the face with tears joy emoji. Fucking...

I called it. Right? We're regressing our language into hieroglyphs. Yeah, pictures worth a thousand words, man. You can say a lot with that little guy. He's so happy. What are you going to say? It's really efficient. You should love that. Yeah, you should love it. Is there an emoji for you're a bigot? You'd love that one.

Yeah, it's a little Dick Masterson face. Oh, cool. That should be some $5.99 on iTunes. No, you can't sort emojis. You can't alphabetize them. All you can do is stare at a big matrix of, emojis. It's coming in the Oculus Rift. Oh, Sean, you may have me on that actually. Oh, my God. Because with the Oculus Rift, you can select things with a glance, with your vision.

Anyway. What a fucking downer. You want to hear some voicemails? Oh, by the way, I was verbally assaulted by Mark Maren on Twitter. Also, I had to... Did I tell you about this? I didn't tell you about this. I didn't tell you about this. Excuse, inciting some shit. I was minding my own business. I was minding my own business on Twitter. I simply posted on Twitter.

We got new fan art, because we get amazing fan art all the time, because I think our fans are the most talented fans of any podcast that exists on the internet, including some people who I will not name Mark Marin. So I simply tweeted, we've got new fan art, does Mark Marin even have fan art? Valid question.

Me just being inquisitive. Sure. Who cares? Exclamation point, right? Yeah. Yeah. No big deal. Just me minding my own business.

Like 10 minutes later, I get, I get from Mark Marin, have lots. Ooh. Attacking me. Attacking me out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. A big shot celebrity attacking me. Can you believe that?

Totally unprovoked. Anything else? Did he apply any more than that? No, no, no. I issued a challenge to see if his fan art was as brutal as ours. brutal good or brutal bad as brutal as

as good yeah our fan art is good yeah and I linked him to several and he did not respond I imagine because he was so devastated by seeing it yeah

he's a very sensitive dude I heard Mark Marin actually that's pretty accurate yeah yeah well the war the war between us and Mark Marion is at a fever pitch and apparently with Penn Gillette as well

no Pend Gillette apologized too bad there wasn't and emoji to to connote his actual emotion, his feeling on that. Maybe it could have been a little sarcastic wink. Like, I'm sorry, wink? It's a frowny vase with a gun to his head.

There is both of those emojis. Some people were making fun of Pendgillette. They're like, yeah, his shows canceled and Manoch still has his website. And they're like, yeah, but Pendgillette's like rolling in Doe in Las Vegas and like high school hookers. Like, what are you talking about?

He doesn't give a shit. His new show is cool. Fooled us? You seen it? I've seen parts of it. If I was more into magic, I guess I would watch that show. But, yeah, you know what? Pat apologized, that's cool.

I actually didn't expect him to, and I didn't expect him to so quickly. And, yeah, I thought I was pretty impressed by that classy move. Okay, let's hear some voicemails. Hey, guys, this is Aaron from New York calling in to be the voice of reasons from Dick and Sean seem to be taking a day off. Uh-oh. Medox, comparing video games to Islam is such a faulty analogy. I'm disappointed dick with a two fucking brain dead to not let you know.

when people commit mass shootings they don't scream Donkey Kong's name they don't say it's video date when these students shootings happen people say it's because of their faith and directly attribute direct to their religion which happens over and over which it has because of, look at this statistics

there is enough evidence to have a speculation about it go fuck yourself I thought the Donkey Kong thing was funny like running in Donkey Kong Donkey Kong I mean yeah it's naive you don't have to always shout out

the edict of your belief that you necessarily think is inspiring you to shoot. You should though. That would be funnier. But I read the whole manifesto of Osama bin Laden when he attacked us after 9-11. And they talked about the moment that Osama bin Laden

became radicalized in Al-Qaeda. He said he interpreted the Quran to attack innocent people and he said it was okay. And then they issued, what is the Islamic decree that The jihad? No, no. It's a Fatwa. I believe they

issued a fatwa against him because the Muslim clerics at the time really sharply disagreed with him. And that's when there was a split between Al-Qaeda. So they're not practicing any kind of mainstream or reasonable sect of Islam. They're extremists by definition.

Hey, Maddox. You kept saying that poverty causes terrorism. But not all poor people are terrorists. That's true. That's true. Not all poor people. I acknowledge that. Four people in the world, but only a few terrorists.

So obviously something different is going on that's causing them to be terrorists. That's the same thing you said about violence and people who play video games. But you didn't think about that, did you, shitbird? Anyways, that conclusion, you can suck. My dick. Thank you. That'd be the first time that guy's dick has ever been sucked if I sucked it. Yeah, I made that point on Reddit and also several other times.

Guys, it's not a simple answer. It's not a simple solution to a complex problem. It's not just one thing. And that's why I think that people who are... And by the way, it's not like you guys are promoting any kind of novel or new suggestion. Let's look at Islam. Guess what, dipshit? There's 50 million results on Google when you search for Does Islam Cause Terrorism?

There's academic articles. There's pundit articles. There's dipshits on forums. There's people, there's scholars who've written about it. There are people for centuries who've been talking about this shit. You guys think you're, you're so fucking novel and clever. You're not, you're not. It's all been done.

Everyone's already talked about it. So it is part of the problem. It could be. Uh-huh. I'm not committing it. We're gaining ground. It could be part of the problem. All right, I don't want to talk about Islam ever again until I bring it in as a problem.

Do you want to start the actual problems? What an asshole. Yeah, dick. I'm going to bring in like the hottest, like, ex-Muslim. chick to give that side of the story so no one could shit on her. I'm sure, yeah. Well, that sounds right in line with your form

of argument. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Alright, British accent, too, like so refined. Oh, I think I know what you're talking about. All right. No, no, no, you don't, not her. Okay. I got the biggest problem in the universe, guys. Biggest problem in the universe. Fucking Donald Trump. What? Yeah.

Piece of shit, Donald Trump. That he isn't president already? Is that the problem? Oh, my gosh. That there's only one of him, so he can't be his own vice president. Thank God there's only one of them. That's the problem. Yeah. I mean, his big fat face is enough for two.

No, the problem is that Donald Trump can only be president for eight years. Yeah. That's the problem. That's the problem, yeah. Dick, let's start here. Let's start with the fact that he's a birther, right? He was the most notorious, stubborn, staunch, shithead birther for the longest time. So he's the one who was supposed.

spearheading the whole Obama thing for him. He said he would donate. Yeah, I remember. That was great. Right. He said he would donate a million dollars to a charity or something if Obama produces birth certificate. And then Obama did. And then he poked holes in that, well, it's not real. It's the forgeries.

Donald Trump always, always. That's the mind of a conspiracy theorist is anytime you produce evidence that counters anything that they believe, they don't accept that. Never accept it. No. Never accept. No. Only deflect and deny. Yeah.

You know what I learned about that, about during that whole fiasco? What's that? Donald Trump, using only the power of his voice, made the U.S. president do something that he swore he would not do. That is the power of Donald Trump. He made the most powerful man in the world do something that he said he was not going to do. Wow. That's good negotiation. Oh, cool.

You can get a bunch of people to do a lot. of things just by using words that incite them. Hey, pretty powerful. All right. Powerful stuff. Well, Obama shut him down with not even his words, but a little piece of paper, Dick. He didn't even have to say anything. He just pulled it out of a filing cabinet and said, shut the fuck up.

Here you go. But it was the short form. Yeah, it was a short form. Oh, my gosh. Sean's a murder. No, that's what he said. Yeah, it was. That's what Trump came back with.

This is from rollingstone.com. These are some ridiculous things that Trump has said or believes. Great. Right. He thinks global warming is a sham because ice exists. What do you mean? Did he say that? Like, what is that from?

What's the quote? Well, this very expensive global warming bullshit has got to stop. He said bullshit? Yeah. Our planet is freezing record low temps and our global warming scientists are stuck in ice. Meanwhile, headline this last week.

October was the hottest ever on record in his. You know what, man? Higher temperatures means shorter shorts. Am I right? I'm right, guys. Donald Trump, vote Trump. Can I, can I just, I just need to, I just need to explain something for all the

global warming deniers, because there's some of them in the comment section on our website, they're real dumb. Here's what you need to learn, because I know you skip this whole section in your mathematics class, okay? Local maximas and minimas, all right? Oh, God. So what that means is sometimes graphs go up, and sometimes they go down, they go down and sometimes they go up again.

But just because it goes up and down a little bit doesn't mean over time that it's not aggregate going up or aggregate going down. All right? Learn the difference between local and global maximas and minas, you fucking idiots. Guys, just basically believe something you read because someone said it, right?

Well, Maddox, how's their global warming? Because it's snowing outside. Like the dipshit senator who brought a snowball to the floor to disprove global warming. You laugh, but like, There's a huge contingent of people who believe these idiots. Yeah, I don't care.

I don't give a fuck if we worry about global warming. Yeah, well, maybe you'll give a fuck about this. Probably not, though. No, why would I? What are we saving the whole world? Hey, knock, knock, knock, China and Africa, fuck you, don't industrialize. We already did it and fucked up the environment. But you guys don't.

Fuck you. Now everybody gets a mission controls. They're just going to tell us to go fuck ourselves. And besides, you know what? For someone who loves science so much, like you, when I brought in superbugs, You said science will figure it out. That was your response. And I think science will figure everything out too.

I think science will fix the stupid environment stuff too. We just got to get past it. We got to power through. We got to use up all this oil as quickly as possible. And then we'll start fixing it. Fuck it. Oh, boy. The problem is, Dick, we can't even deal with hurricanes.

We can't even harness the power of hurricanes. We can't do anything about earthquakes. We can't do anything about huge global droughts. Like, look at all the fuckheads who've been complaining about the California drought for so long. The problem is that if global... global warming theory, well, now it's global climate change because there's actually also evidence that there's a global dimming effect going on. Oh, boy.

This is not a new. How many effects are there going to be? Global plaid effect soon. This is not a new theory. It's actually from like the early 90s, people were talking about global dimming. There's a Nova documentary. I highly recommend everyone go look at this thing, especially if you believe in global warming. If you think that the world is going to increase in temperature, look up this Nova

documentary called Global Dimming. And it's actually really compelling documentary about how it's the same effect. So the anti-global warmers are not embracing this thing because it's the same problem, is that too much greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, except they don't have a greenhouse effect. They have a mirror effect, which causes less light to get to the surface, causing the earth to have a ice age. Anyway.

Guys, in the time spent watching that documentary, you could jerk off twice. vote Donald Trump. He's team Jenny McCarthy when it comes to vaccines and autism. Credit words do. Say that again? He's on team Jenny McCarthy. Oh, I don't know if that's true.

Oh, yeah? Well, he says Trump does say that he's a total believer in children getting vaccines on a modified schedule. However, he also says that massive inoculations have driven the nation's autism rate to a level that's never been.

I don't know if he actually said that. He did. He's an anti-vaxxer. No, he gets, like, reporters will throw a claim at him, and if he doesn't deny it, they just run with it. I would like to see the actual quote of that, because I've seen some, like, stuff he said on Twitter regarding vaccines. I mean, I don't think he ever actually commits to saying they cause autism. He just says, we got to ask questions. We got to see proof.

Coward Slama. He did say that someone who worked for him's child was vaccinated and became autistic. Yeah, and that happens. Because Donald Trump is autistic. I don't trust anything he says. He's an idiot. I think you're just jealous of how much hair he has And that it's so beautiful

I think Donald Trump is jealous of how much hair he has He wishes it was real He fancies himself See now who's the conspiracy whack job That hair is real, I've seen it I've seen it in person I know a wig, all right? I look that man in the eye

From a foot and a half away I can spot a wig at half a pace It looks real shitty He fancies himself a savior of the poor According to Rolling Stone Trump said recently that the people that like me best are poor people and middle-income people the rich people don't like me

I would save middle class he said I know what to do our jobs are all being taken out of our country wow what a bull oh really you think it's true well yeah everything's manufactured in China you don't want that manufacturing done in the United States yeah you know what you know who's manufacturing it in China dick I got a clip here listen to this as a line of clothing now where were these made

these were made I don't know where they were made but they were made someplace but they're great it's ties shirts, cufflinks, everything sold at Macy's, and they're doing great. Number one selling tie anywhere in the world. Number one selling tie anywhere in the world. You wouldn't wear that shirt? We also have them in white and beautiful white. Where are the shirts made? Bangladesh.

Well, it's good. Yeah. We employ people in Bangladesh. Ties wear the ties made. These are beautiful ties. They are great ties. The ties are made in China? China. Ties are made in China. It's so weird that people, that like, a certain type of person latches on. to that he manufactures his goods in China.

Dude, do you mean people who aren't hypocrites? Well, you realize that he wants to change the laws so that all American companies don't do that, right? That all American companies... Like, to be competitive in the current market, he has to do that. Oh. And, like, who runs their business based on, like, martyring principles?

Lots of companies, Dick, and they're very profitable. No, they're not. Yes, they are. In-and-out burgers is one of them. When I brought in McDonald's as an example a long time ago, I'm like, well, yeah, they're using cheapest ingredients because they're trying to make the best profit, the best product, best tasting, blah, blah, blah, blah, bullshit.

In-and-out burgers, meanwhile, they make fresh products. Their burgers are fantastic. Their employees are well-taken care of. They're happy to work there. They're better off. They're not well-taking care of. They are well-taking care of. They get benefits.

Some of their managers make six figures. They get time off. They're happy. It's always service with a smile. Anytime I go to In-N-Out Burger, it's not that slumped over tombstone of a person like in a McDonald's or Burger King, who's just waiting to go home and jerk off

and do a bag of meth and forget that today ever happened. Yeah. That's not the feeling I get when I go to in and out. Their products are fresh. They have, yeah, maybe they're not going to be the empire that McDonald's is. But they have tight control over it because of their principles.

Well, but they're a specific restaurant. Like that doesn't work for McDonald's. I don't know. I don't want to get into like the basic economics of how to run a company. He's this greedy. How is it? He's making a product and so, like, all of the things in your apartment are made in China.

How is it greedy to use the manufacturing process that's available to all companies? Not all companies do that, though, Dick. American apparel doesn't for sure, yeah. Right? There's a lot of American brands. But there's deep financial shift, though, right now. Yeah, and that's part of their branding. Like, his branding is elegance and style in class, which she has loads of.

Well, you know what Donald Trump doesn't have loads of? of money. He's not even that rich. He's got $8 plus billion. That's what he says. His tax return is in Crippled America. It was in the back. Oh, okay. Crippled America. I got it day one. Yeah. His book's crippling.

He was up all night reading and masturbating to crippled America. I bet. How rich do you think he is? Everyone estimates him being about $4 billion. Oh, everyone. Everyone except him who would know his actual money. Forbes, Wall Street Journal, Fortune.com. And speaking of Fortune.com, and speaking of Forbes, Forbes, this is

Actually, yeah, this is according to fortune.com here. It says index funds are friends, not foes. So they did a little analysis. Okay, Donald Trump isn't a self-made man. He inherited a lot of his money, went bankrupt several times. He didn't inherit his money. He got... His dad gave him a million dollar loan.

No, no, no, no, no. He inherited $40 million in the 70s. Yes, yes. Not before he was rich. No, that's well documented. And then when he went... He became rich because of it, Shahed. No, no, not before he was, he got a loan of a million bucks and started building his empire, and then he got that.

I think. Yeah, it was, that's what I'm going. He's a poor millionaire. He just got a million dollar loan. Poor guy. He had a head start, but that's, you know, that's the American dream. But then, yeah, then he got a huge truck of change. I think they were saying 40 and some sources say close to 200 million.

Yeah, the American dream is you bust your ass and then you can help your kids get a leg up and they bust their ass, then the next thing you know, one of them's president. And his name's Donald Trump. That's the American dream. And he has a hot-ass wife. Is that it? Are you jealous of his hot-ass wife? No. I think Trump is a very miserable, unhappy man.

Trump's, according to Fortune.com, said Trump's net worth has grown about 300% to an estimated $4 billion since 1987. According to a report by the Associated Press. But the real estate mogul would have made even more money if he had just invested in index funds. The AP says that if Trump had invested an index fund in 1988, his net worth today would be as much as $13 billion.

That's not true. No, I read what you're talking about. If he didn't spend anything and if he started with the entirety of his dad's fortune, which he didn't. It's just like a dumb man. Like, oh, hey, look at this. Look how stupid he is. Like, if he had invested in the S&P. No, that started since, like...

1988. Yeah, 198888. That's what I thought it was speculating that he had started then. And he said, it says here, other billionaires' net worth have beaten the stock market's growth in that time. Bill Gates, for example, saw his growth increase 7,000% since 1988 to 80 billion. Warren Buffett's wealth grew 2,600% in the same period to 67.8 billion. Trump, meanwhile, languishing with four. Guess what? So he's not rich enough to be president? Like, Obama wasn't black enough to be president? He keeps bragging that he's like really rich.

He's not. He's not that rich. He flies around in like a 747 with his name on the side. What do you drive? How many, is your name on the side of your car or your bicycle? No, he's rich as shit. He is rich as shit. Are you kidding me? He's richer than you, but he's not rich. What number do you think he is on the world's top 500 billionaires?

I don't know, 400? 300? 388. Oh, my God, my mind is blown. 388. He's not even in the top 100 of billionaires. He's not that fucking rich. Why would that matter?

Because he keeps bragging. about it. He has a shitload of money, Maddox. He's on a list of billionaires. Part of your point is that his performance doesn't match his mouth. Right, exactly, Sean. Sean understands a voice of reason. What performance? Sean, are you trying to stump as well? I'll fucking rain down on you as well. I'll rain down stumps upon you like

what is that got? Like Johnny Appleseed tearing at the west. You know that he was also bailed out by 70 banks, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Second, third mortgages and deferred payments. And he's had three or four of his giant properties go bankrupt. He's not a good property manager. He's not a good businessman. He doesn't know shit about anything.

He's very conservative in his investing. And by the way, Dick, I'm surprised that you'd be in support of a guy like Trump because he wants to raise the tax on the rich. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. Okay. If you think anyone wants to raise the tax on the rich, you have got, you're buying an ad that's being sold to retarded people. He's not raising the tax on the rich.

My friend, you're the retarded person because listen to this clip. I would let people that are making hundreds of millions of dollars a year pay some tax because right now they're paying very little tax and I think it's outrageous. So that would affect not just hedge fund people. That would also affect people in limited real estate partnerships of which you were in a fair number. I'm okay. So you're proposing you'd like to raise taxes on yourself in this instance. That's right.

That's not the rich. That's a very specific set of people. Just a second ago, you're like, he's fucking rich. And then he said he wants to raise taxes on himself. And you're like, well, he's not rich. Idiot No, no, what he's talking about A specific set of people

He's not talking about Raising taxes on all the rich Yes, he is He actually said that He said that he's not just looking to raise taxes on the very rich hedge fund managers

He says including real estate managers, real estate moguls like himself He's not very rich Two types of people Yeah, the rich He's not looking to Okay, do you think

That's all rich? Not all rich people made their money that way But he's gone on the record Multiple times, Dick, saying that he wants to raise a tax on the rich What don't you just admit that you...

On some rich? What don't you just admit that there's something you disagree with on Trump? Oh, there's things I disagree with, but I think you're phrasing that his platform in a weird way by saying he wants to raise taxes on the rich. Like he wants to shut down certain tax loopholes. He wants to repropriate corporate wealth that's overseas and charge them like, what, 15, 10%. It's either 10 or 2 or 10% tax on it. I guess that's taxing the rich, but I think it's a good idea. Great. So you're in favor of taxing the rich now.

Were you reading your kombucha teeth? Yeah, he's reading shit, oh, like always. No. Oh, the noise stopped. Great. Yeah, okay, on my turn to talk again. Go ahead. What's next?

What else does Rolling Stone think about Donald Trump? This isn't Rolling Stone. That was a totally different article. Are you listening? What's next? Anyway, Dick. Yeah, because you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. I know you're against acting the rich.

He's fucking said it multiple times, and every time... Look, I'm going to give you guys a little backstory about the biggest problem in the universe. Uh-oh. Long time ago, when we first started... recording this podcast, the first six episodes, I would always say these things on air where I would say, oh yeah, there is a study that found this interesting fact, or there is this research that found this interesting evidence that corroborates what I'm saying. And Dick's tack, right, of a debate, is to deny when I didn't have those studies. So then I thought, okay, I'm going to

bring in these studies. And then I thought, let's see him deny these, right? How's he going to these. And then once I started bringing in the studies, he said, I don't believe those studies exist, and then I started bringing in the studies. And then he changes tack to, well, I don't believe the studies. Like, there's no winning with you. I don't believe some studies. I literally told you that Donald Trump has been quoted

multiple times saying he wants to raise money on the rich, and now you're just talking about it both sides of your mouth. Just admit. I want you to listen very closely. He described two scenarios of rich people that he wants to raise taxes. That one quote, dick. I'm saying multiple times in different quotes, look it up. If you think Donald Trump wants to raise taxes on all the rich, then why would he be running as a Republican?

Well, like, his tax plan is definitely cuts taxes. He's against the estate tax. His, the highest tax bracket in his plan is lower than it is right now? Republicans don't like him. Okay. They don't. Was I still talking about both sides of my mouth again? No, but you're denying that he said these things.

Like, if you disagree with me, that's fine. But look it up. At least look it up. Don't just deny blanking. Everyone look it up. All right. I'm sorry. All right.

Here's, look, we can all laugh about Trump. He's kind of a joke. Well, apparently not all of us. We're laughing. Well, it's because it's funny, right? He's kind of a joke candidate. Absolutely false. Up until Dick, he's run at least three times for president.

I believe three times. He's never run for president. Yes, he has. He's always talked about it. He ran the, he's stumped last time. He ran. But he's never run this late in the game. No, that's true. That's true, Sean.

But every time he's running... He didn't even file his paperwork last time to run. Well, yeah. In 2012 or whenever the last time was he talked about it? Because he's disingenuous. He used it as a platform to promote the apprentice. A brilliant business move. Oh.

Because a billionaire needs to make some chump change money on TV, right? Hey. A buck's a buck. I don't know. So he was in an interview with 60 minutes, and he was sitting down with the guy, Bob Woodruff, I think, is that the 60 Minutes guy? And Donald Trump was getting increasingly frustrated in this interview because Woodruff wouldn't take him seriously. He's like, why won't you take me seriously as a candidate?

He goes, because you're not running. And he says, yes, I am. He goes, Trump, you said this last time, and you said it the time before, and you're saying it now. And every time, just before it comes around for the main GOP. The primaries? Yeah, the primaries? The thing he drops out. Yeah.

Yeah, every time before the primaries he just drops out. Like, he just, that's what he's going to do this time, too. I don't think he's going to run. You want to bet on that? You want to, you're, you think that Donald Trump, who's polling at like 36% for four, who's, for over four months has been in the number one spot, is going to drop out by February. I don't think he's dropping out this time. No.

Not this time. Well, he's a loose canon. Why don't you do that? Because he's saying things like this. This is why it's no longer funny when Donald Trump, Donald Trump's no longer a joke anymore. Because in Washington Post, this week, they said this, they said,

on the Syrian refugee issue, the Republican presidential candidates favor going further than the House bill by blocking all or some of the migrants. So far, the Paris attackers who have been identified have all been European. So all the Republicans right now are scary cats pushing this legislation that, you know, the Coward's dilemma,

where they're all Islamophobic and they're trying to prevent any kind of Syrian refugees into this country. Yeah, not all... I mean, there's a lot of people who do not want refugees in this country. I'm one of them.

I don't want a bunch of refugees in America. Why? Because... Well, first of all, not everyone in the world is entitled to be an American citizen. I think they will hurt our poorest classes.

We're just injecting the United States with a shitload of poor people that fucks over American poor people. Yeah, you think so. Well, what else is the outcome of that? Well, let me give you... Hey, here you go, L.A., here's a shitload of new poor people. Go compete for jobs.

You think, what do you... None of those people are springing up Maddox clone websites and competing with you. They're competing with people who are dead broke. I don't like that. I don't like that it overburdens our social security systems either. Health care and whatever. I don't like it. Let me tell you how...

Another outcome from this scenario, okay? Because my parents were Syrian immigrants to this country. Legally? Yes. Great. My parents were Syrian immigrants to this country. And they were poor as shit. And when my dad came to this country, he was, I believe, around 18 years old.

He joined the U.S. Army, worked for less than a dollar a week. He was poor as shit most of his life. And he would work for jobs because people discriminated against him a lot. Like he would walk into places and ask for a job. And they say, go back to your country. because he had an accent. He looked American, he looked white, but he was discriminated against.

So my dad, instead of working for money, worked for tools. And any place he went, he would work on auto body, he'd work on trucks, he'd work welding, he'd do anything he could to make a living, and he would accept broken tools as his payment. And he would take those tools,

and he would fix them, and he finally got enough money to rent a shop, a garage, which was something like, I don't know, like $35 a month to rent this garage where he would work on people's cars. He didn't have a place to live, so he slept in that car. He worked like that for a long time until he finally saved up enough money to buy a truck. And then he took that truck and he started driving.

He became a truck driver for a long time. And then he became a boxer for a little while. And then he saved up enough money to buy some property, and then he built a house on it. And when I say he built a house, I don't mean he hired a contractor. I don't mean he hired an architect. I mean, he built it with his hands. He lived in a log cabin in the backyard of my house that he built himself while he built the house that I grew up in

with his bare hands. He worked really fucking hard. And then he had some kids. And some of his kids have grown up to work for the government. One of my brothers is working in counterterrorism. I can't go into much detail than that. One of my other brothers is the VP of Sales of one of the largest software companies in the world.

And this very podcast you're listening to Wouldn't exist if it weren't for Syrian immigrants. So I don't take it lightly when these Republican shitheads are sitting there fear-mongering. And I'm not saying that their concerns are completely invalid because, yeah, you might get some bad people

coming in through those borders. Let's not discount that. But there's some good people too, and you're turning away your backs on immigrants to this country, which, unless you're Native American, we're all immigrants to this country. Play some applause,

Sound effects. Why don't you have that queued up? Jesus Christ! Look at the personal attachment you have on this issue. It means a lot to me, and I talked to some of my relatives over the weekend, over the week, because I was going to post this big post about it on Facebook saying,

hey guys, we should support the Syrian refugees, but it's a more complex issue than that. Because even some of the Syrians I talk to, because I have relatives, I have family in Syria right now, even some of my relatives I've talked are struggling with what to do with this,

because as some Republican outlets have pointed out rightly so, none of the Muslim countries are taking these Syrian refugees. No, not even the ones who are rich as fuck. Right, which is really disappointing. Yeah. And it's disheartening. So the only argument that you can fall back on is that we are better than them.

Well, or dumber and not negotiating and making them take them in. You can make people take them. I mean, look, man, that shit. shit to me is like magical words that people wear, like bravery, and what was the other one you used? What? The cowards? The cowards. What are we better then for these countries that are not taking in the refugees?

Virtuous. We're more virtuous than them? Yeah. That doesn't mean shit to me. Like, I do not want to risk it. Look, I'm the bad guy. I worked at a toy store in high school during Christmas. When it was closing time on Christmas Eve, I was in charge of shutting the gate and telling

people we're fucking closed, we want to go home. Yeah. Somebody's got to do it. It's ugly and it's sad and yeah, we'll probably lose a good people, but I don't want them here. Yeah, well, your right to live here is predicated upon some immigrants coming here at some point in their lives. And for you to say that you deserve it more than them simply because it's always been that way is bullshit. Because none of us are Native American. None of us have a natural right to be here. The border crossed my people, first of all. Mexico was mining their own fucking business, and you guys drew a big line around us and said, welcome to the USA. So if anyone's full of

shit here, it's not me. Yeah. Yeah, no, that's true. That's, there's some merit to that. It's a circumstance that has brought them to our borders, and it is a, it is one that pulls at the heartstrings, but we cannot take it. That whole tired, unwashed masses, stinky masses, whatever is on the Statue of Liberty. Huddled masses. Bring us your stinky, huddled masses.

You're tired and your poor. That's what it said. You're tired of your poor. That ended with Social Security. Now, the wall is fucking closed now because it costs too much. Yeah, well, you're not factoring in the benefit to the economy that they might add.

If you think that it's old... Yeah, but everything's always potential, Dick. When you have a child, you're banking on that child's potential to grow up and become someone who's not a shithead. Someone who's not a leisure zealot, if you guys remember from last week, people who are zealots about leisure who don't do anything, their drains on the economy.

I can point, I can tell you right now, just on my Facebook friends list, like on my top ten Facebook friends list, like five or six people who are not contributing jack shit to the economy. That's it? Well, on my top ten list. Don't you know a lot of improv people? Yeah. What the hell are they contributing?

Exactly. Your dad lived the American dream. You come here, bust your ass, your son does improv. Yeah. I'm being serious. So here's where it gets dangerous with Donald Trump. Oh, that's where we were talking about Donald Trump. Over the weekend, Donald Trump, excuse me,

oh, yeah, he suggested closing down mosques and increasing surveillance of Muslims. He said in an interview with Yahoo News published online Thursday that we're going to have to do certain things that we're frankly, excuse me, that were frankly unthinkable a year ago. When pressed on whether such measures might include tracking Muslim Americans, in a database or noting their religious affiliations on identification cards, Trump said, we're going to have to. We're going to have to look at a lot of things very closely. We're going to have to look at the mosques. We're going to have to look very, very carefully.

Later Thursday, Trump told NBC News that he would certainly and absolutely create a database of Muslims in the United States. I don't think he said that again. I think that's a, no, because I read this story. I read this story, and it's the reporters saying that and him talking to them, he's signing his books. Like he's not saying... Go ahead, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Say whatever you want about it. You just deny, dude. Like, look, verify... Here's what I want you to do. Do me a favor. If you disagree with what this news is saying, then prove it. Okay?

Because I don't care about what you think he actually said because this is quoted two different sources, Yahoo News and NBC News. Two different sources said that he said this. You think that they're just spinning what he said here? I think even in the context of you, of what you read, it doesn't make sense. Well, and he can always sue for libel. of course he can and Sean if it was just one outlet

like Yahoo News saying this that's fine but it's NBC News as well they quoted him as saying this I'm sure I can get a sound bite of it too if I look hard enough and then but it's not even uncommon what he's saying this is the Republican this is from Washington Post they're saying about the Republican frontrunners right

I said one of the frontrunners of the Republican presidential race said Thursday he would absolutely want a database of Muslims oh they're talking about Trump here and special ID cards noting their religion so that's three sources Now, Washington Post. Wait, you're saying that Donald Trump wants ID cards for Muslims? For Muslims?

Yeah. I have a really hard time believing that. I guess I got to look it up, but another... You can find a verbatim quote of him saying... Can you see the question coming next if they have to identify themselves with ID cards? What's that? Who's going to compare them to Nazi Germany? Oh, no, they already did.

They said, how is that... In this interview, in this interview of a reporter talking about he was signing books, they said, how's that different than Nazi Germany? He said, you tell me. And then went back to signing books. He did say that. Yeah. Another top candidate liken Syrian refugees who are largely Muslim to dogs.

Some of them might be rabid, he said, which was a reason to keep them all out. Trump said that? No, Carson said that. Well, Carson said that. Well, Carson said a lot of weird stuff. And third, excuse me, and a third stood up in the Senate on Thursday and called for banning refugees from five Middle Eastern countries. He was explicit that the point was to keep Muslim refugees out while letting Christians from the same places in. Well, that's rough.

It's a rough deal. It's really rough. You know. What can you say? It's a tough, complex situation. But where Trump stops being a joke and starts being of risk is when he starts saying shit like this. Well, yeah, okay. Here's a direct quote from Donald Trump.

He says, there should be a lot of systems beyond databases, Trump said. I mean, we should have a lot of systems. Yeah, like that's not bigoted. You're not for a Muslim database. Well, wait a minute. There are databases on everyone. What do you mean a Muslim database? Like this is when things get fucky

Because you hear that phrase And you automatically You have an idea in your head what that is But what does it mean? Like there is a database that has everything on everyone It's called a census They come and they ask you everything that you do Do you mean some kind of like weird

McCarthy-esque list of people that get harassed Because there already are no-fly lists that are databases on people. Right, right. But that's based on intelligence. I'm talking about a total government national registry with names, social security numbers, date of birth, familial affiliations, addresses, of Muslims.

Of Muslims only? Yeah. I thought that database already exists. Like, remember, you're talking to somebody who doesn't want public roads. I want everybody driving through people's yards, right? Right. Like, this is, I think you're describing something

that already exists. I mean, what are you basing that on? The DMV? No, that's not a list of Muslims. So this would be another one that is specifically for Muslims? That sounds retarded. Well, but the implication is that it's sinister. Yeah.

That they're surveilling the people. Yeah, I don't, of course I don't. He said that. He wants mosques surveilled, which if you, as in our intelligence community, I think they probably are a lot of mosques anyway, if they feel like that there is national security risk, if they find that some of the people they're snooping on are going to Mosques, because then they're probably going to survey those marks.

Of course. That's why it's weird to bring up, because it sounds like that's something that already exists. Like, according to a lot of these research or these survey points I read, it was like 40% of young British Muslims think Sharia law should replace the national law and they should have separate courts. Like, yeah, you're going to get looked into if your mosque is stuff like that's getting said at your mosque. That's the way it works. That's the way intelligence works.

I want them to get a warrant. I want everybody who is American to be entitled to due process, but they're going to get investigated. Yeah, that's not the same as a national registry of Muslims. It harkens back to the Nazi era where Hitler started making a database of Jews, and it is very, very similar to that. And I know it's tired and played out to bring up the Hitler argument

and the Hitler comparison, but this is literally Hitler stuff. It's just making a big list of people based on their religion, which, by the way, I have another video coming out about grocery store coupon cards. And I talk about how there is a list like this, not very specific, it's just by region. It's not even close.

But there's a list like this for Jews in America. It's called the Hollywood Reporter. Right, Randy? Right? Right? Yeah. Oh, industry jokes. Yeah.

Now, there's a list like this for Jews, and it's done by region. But it's not so specific. It exists. And I talk about this a little bit more some other time, but yeah, it's used more for holidays so that telemarketers know when to and when not to call a specific region during a specific holiday. That's for your convenience. Well, sure. That's nice of them.

I mean, it's for your convenience now, but what if an anti-Semitic hacker found that list, right? Yeah, that would be bad. Pretty bad. Would an anti-Semitic hacker need that list to tell? Like, couldn't he just, like, do a search by, like, Stein or something in the phone book? I mean, right?

Or Zwig? Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Anyway, man, Donald Trump, that's my problem. Voted up. Donald Trump's a piece of shit. That's it?

Donald Trump. Fuck. Donald Trump. Yeah, that's it. I think you just want somebody who... I think you just want a bald guy in the Oval Office. You can't see.

You want, like, a Bernie Sanders or, like, a Hillary Clinton. Like, you want a bald man in the White House. I can't imagine. any bald president other than Patrick Stewart. Although, a few people suggested, I did a pair of a couple of the night while I was taking a shit,

and someone suggested I shaved my head with Harry's Razors. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit harries.com and use the promo code, biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Hey, when did shaving become so expensive? I think always it's been pretty expensive, right?

Yeah, I went to Ralph's the other day to fill up, and it cost me $700 to get... With Harries, why pay $32 for an eight pack of blades when it's half the price at Harry's? Go to Harries.com and you get five bucks off if you type in our promo code. Harries is less than two years old and is already disrupting the shaving industry. That's true. I see them all over the place online. Yeah, Harry's really made ripples in the shaving industry.

Everyone's taken notice. We won't mention any competitors, but all the competitors. No, fuck the competitors. No. Because there are no competitors. It's all Harry's. By the way, they sent me a new shaving kit. Oh, they did? Yeah, did you see it?

I think we're supposed to talk about that next time. It's like their holiday kit. All right, well, we'll talk about that during the... Although it is Christmas. It's been Christmas for three weeks already, or four weeks by the time this series. It's half the price of the other big blades. They ship for free to your front door. Who wants to go to the store?

You've got to put pants on. They might have piss driplets all over them. Stay home. Order from bed. Order from your computer. The starter set is an amazing deal. You get a razor. moisturizing shaving cream and three razor blades.

I'm not that deal. Those blades are fantastic, guys. Thank you for supporting the show. It really means a lot. And thank you, Harry's, for supporting us. Harry's really likes us. I think our fans have responded more to Harry's than any other, I think any other podcast that they've had.

I'm going to go on the record to saying that, with absolutely zero verification. Way more than Mark Merrin's podcast. Do you think anyone's buying Harry's razors because of Mark Marin? I don't know. They probably, I don't know if they're a sponsor for Mark Merin. I better shut up.

All right. My problem is having to shit after you get out of the shower. That is, man, that is the, I had a big problem. You should just go back to bed at that point. Just call it a day. Right? It's the worst. Like, what did I? I like it.

I like it. I like it. You like when you have to shit when you get out of the shower. First of all, your butt holes all rubbery. Feels weird coming out. It's weird coming out. I don't want to think about my asshole and the sensations in my asshole that much. Right?

You like that feeling? Well, I like it because when I get out of the shower, my butt's going to be wet for about 35 to 40 minutes afterwards, right? My butt hole is like a little moist. And then when I put... I'm sorry, 40 minutes? About 40. Your asshole is moist for 40 minutes after the shower? I don't go down there.

You've pulled the number off of your head pretty quickly. Well, based on it... I want to check for toxic mold. Shut the fuck up, Sean. Black mold coming out of... It's a bioadger. Please, it's African-American mold. So I take a shit and here's how I know.

know that it's wet that long because when I take the when I take the dump it it comes out smoothly it's great it's like it's like um I don't want to use the word Loub but it's loom for you for your poop you can use Lou it's poop loop what this is way more gross than the time you talked about shitting in the pile of leaves as an eight-year-old you want to hear the detail shot I'll make you throw up stop look it's a it's a huge problem you got a shower all over again right do you go do you commit to showering all over again because it's like well you know what, it's still wet in there. I had a fresh shower here.

What am I walking around all day with a poopy butthole? I don't think so. I'm right here. I'm going to jump back into the shower. I've got to take two showers out of this shit. And then the second shower is never as fulfilling. Like you feel like half of you is one shower behind. It's unsettling.

It's an unsettling way to start the day. Yeah. And you're all wet. So you're getting poop driplets all over in your underpants if you decide to not to take the second shower. Right? You know, Dick, I'll... That's why you should just strap on your dad's underwear and call it a day.

Yeah. Yeah, like it's ever mattered to you, Dick. You shit your pants more than any... Almost more than anyone else. I don't enjoy doing it on my terms. I shit my pants on my terms, all right? You know what the worst part of what you're saying is, though? When you wipe your ass after you've gotten out of the shower,

you get that the toilet paper rolls up. It breaks apart. Oh, it breaks apart. It gets on your hand. Yeah, it gets on your hand. Now I definitely have to take a shower. You can't wash poop off a hand. And it looks like that really twisted up tight toilet paper that's, like, kind of broken apart because it's wet.

It's all over your fingers, and it's brown, and you get smell. Yeah. Sean. And then it gets lost up in your butthole. Yeah. Well, great. I'll find it tomorrow. This is going to come out tomorrow when it dries out.

Exactly. And those are the worst. You know what? They get curled up. Girls generally, well, most of the girls generally don't have to worry about this, but it gets wrapped up in your butt pubs. Yeah. Yeah, it does. Yeah, and you just have to yank them out.

Dingleberry is a separate problem, though. Bring that in. Bring that in. By the way, everyone, enjoy your, I hope you're listening to this during Thanksgiving. Enjoy your Thanksgiving meal. Happy Thanksgiving.

I'll post my rice recipe on the website. Ungrateful Dick. Yeah. You gonna make that again this year? No. No, I'm never making that rice for anyone other than me. The recipe's real simple.

It's just a bag of rice. You poured in a bowl. That's it. Throw in some almonds and then get up on a soapbox and tell everyone how stupid they are. Done. What a bitch.

You should tweet that pen Chilette Tweeter recipe Maybe he's on a diet He's been on a very calorie restricted diet That's how he lost a lot of his weight In fact I was Googling it Because I was looking to see

What he looks like Because I haven't seen him in a while And there was this telegraph article Talking about how much weight he lost And it was all just calorie restriction Probably magic Probably an illusion Probably still fatter than fuck

Yeah I was actually looking for a bunch of quotes To use against Penn oh, I bet he said some stupid shit. And I watched like, fucking 40 minutes of it. And he didn't say anything stupid. I'm like, I'm tired of this. What, on F you?

No, no. Or on your episode? Not, like, after the episode, because I wanted to make a compilation of stupid shit that he said. And he said, he said a bunch of stupid shit, but he's not. Well, there's that. You love that. Yeah, but, well, yeah, that's a whole different.

We're not getting into the libertarian thing. Ever again. Look, that's my problem. so small you can barely see it. I don't know why that amuses you so much. It's so stupid. So dumb. It affects everyone.

What does? Having to shit when you get out of the show. I thought you were talking about libertarianism. Libertarianism affects no one. It only affects listeners of the show. It affects theoretical people. Yeah. Not listeners of the show, but people, like actual theoretical people.

Look, man, shitting after you get out of the shower, why don't you just, you can't tell you're going to have to shit in five minutes? Why don't you just wait? No. No. You can't always tell. What do you like? Nostradamus of poop? Sometimes it's not working. You're like, I gotta get going. This shit is not cooperating today. I'm just gonna take a shower.

Then you're 95% of the way through your shower, like soaping your ankles or whatever. And you're like, shit, now I gotta take a shit. Here it comes. I gotta jump out here and sit on a toilet wet. Great. Oh, the wet toilet's really bad too. Great start of the day. Because, you know, if the toilet has any kind of germs or anything, you're slidivism. dripping around on that and I imagine everything has a thin layer of poop particles.

It does. Everything everywhere does. And now your body's all wet touching it. It's gross. Oh, that does, that is this point. Plus it's really steamy in there too because then you're gonna have the poop particles in this, in the steam mixing together. Yeah. It's getting all over your hair. Steamy shit. All the poop steam is getting in your hair. I don't have to worry about that. You say that like you're bragging. Yeah. That's cool. I read somewhere that Donald Trump has never shit after he showered. I don't know if that's true, but I read that. It's because he does all his shitting out of his mouth. Oh.

Burble diarrhea. Good. Yeah. He's such an idiot. It's such a meathead. Oh, man. You know, Dick, I think I know what you're doing with Donald Trump. Because I was going to do I was going to do the same thing with what's her name, Michelle Bachman. The last time she was running for president, she is such a shit show. She is such a loose

cannon that I was going to create a pack to support Michelle Bachman because I just wanted to see her run up against Obama. I mean, there's no fucking way in hell she would win, but I thought it was hilarious. I wanted her in the race as long as possible because she was just such a fucking crazy loose cannon. She's crazy eyes, too. Oh, she has a super crazy eyes.

She did that post-GOP talk that one time where she wasn't looking at the teleprompter correctly. Oh, God. So she was looking just slight, like one or two degrees off away from the teleprompter, and it was so unsettling. You got to look this up, a Michelle Bachman teleprompter. Yeah, her eye, her gaze reminded me of too many girls that I've banged. I mean, that's a bad sign. I do not want to look into the eyes of the present. and imagine girls I've banged.

Looking cross directions? Like, what's going on? Crazy eyes. Oh, crazy eyes. Crazy loopy eyes. Like talking, but nobody's behind the wheel of this freight train. Yeah, no, I stop talking

to girls like that. Yeah. Yeah. I meet them in bars. I met this girl at this bar. No, it was a comedy club. There you go. And I met her because she bumped her

giant, enormous, beautiful, perfect ass into me. I'm like, what is this? I thought that was going to be a giant something else. What? What, penis? No. No. What were you going to think?

I knew, I knew he was going to say that and I knew what the hell? What did you think? Giant penis. That would be a weird story. I don't know. What are you getting, what are you? Chicks don't have penises. What?

I thought you're talking about her tits. I thought you're going to say her big, beautiful tits. No, her big, beautiful, perfect butt. Pemus. Yeah. No, I have the perfect penis, buddy. Oh, man. Yeah, and I bumped into it with her, with my penis into her butt.

I wonder what Donald Trump's penis looks like. Oh, gross. It probably looks stupid like his face. Probably has an amazing hairdo. Yeah, probably. He probably has a really big pee hole. He probably tattooed his own face on the tip of his dick with that face he always makes. That ah-faced?

Like, that's the tip. Have you seen the Conan O'Brien skit where he does the mouth over talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a great. It looks exactly like every time Donald Trump talks. Yeah. Donald Trump talks like the Conan O'Brien skit. It's ridiculous. Anyway, this girl bumped her beautiful big butt into me.

And we started talking and gave her ride home, yada, yada, we're setting up a date. And then she asked me a question. She says, would you stop going out with a girl if by the fourth date she hasn't put out? I said, yes, of course, absolutely. And pretty much just like the way I said it. And she said, oh, well, I'm at the point in my life where... Oh, God, stop. I'll stop going out with you right now for talking like this.

Get out of my car. Oh yeah, I John McLeaned out of that car I rolled Did a dive roll out of the fucking side I'm out Yeah See ya hottie with your perfect ass Good luck being single for the rest of your life

That would love to see what this girl looked like You know what She was like a seven or an eight Probably a mid-seven But that ass man Yeah That ass though Well in response to your question

I am not doing with Trump What you were doing with Michelle Bachman. You really like Trump. Yeah. Second Amendment. I want to see him. Can you imagine him putting senators on blast for fucking with his plans that he's trying to get through? Every single day he's putting people

on blast. It's glorious. He's glorious. He's a loose canon. He has no plan for this country, no vision. I genuinely believe he's an actual bigot. I think he's absolutely prejudiced. Why do you think he's a bigot? Because he wants to he's blaming Mexicans for rape and

and uh... illegal's though. Not Mexicans. Oh, just the illegals. Oh, okay. But you know that, like, federal prisons chock full of, like, has a shitload of illegals. Do you know that? There's stats on that. Because they're illegal and they're getting caught. No, they're there for, like, violent crimes.

Like, there's a huge disproportionate number of illegal immigrants in federal prison for violent crimes. Like, there's a shitload of them. Okay. Are they Islamic? I don't know. We've got to get that database up and going to see who's Islamic and who's not. Shit, man. What do you mean?

Are they Islamic? Are they Islamic? Wait, let me ask you this. Do you have any problem with illegal immigration at all? Are you pro or against it? I'm not for it. I'm not for it. No, I think it can cause problems.

It can overburden our system. Too much of it? Too much of it can, yeah. But I think that you can ebb the flow of illegal immigration by creating a more streamlined process for people to come to this country legally and productively. Okay, how do you stop it, though, from coming in? Well, I'm not sure... Put up, like, a bunch of pinatas

near the border so they get distracted. Oh, boy. I think before... I can say that kind of shit, Maddox? Come on. Yeah, please. Board and cross me, bitch! Picnic tables. Yeah, picnic tables.

Say one sentence in Spanish, dickhead. Um, fuck you. Oh, no, he speaks it. He speaks it. I don't want to show up. Do you really? You don't speak Spanish. I speak enough.

Huh. Um, no, I think that... I can only do it what it requires me to talk to babes. Then I can speak Spanish. Otherwise, no, I can't. Well, they did that study in Georgia, where actually it wasn't even a study. I think it was in Georgia. They banned any, they had a really aggressive anti-immigration policy.

And it was a local thing that they experimented in Georgia. And they made sure none of the plantations for picking fruit or agriculture or crops or anything like that hired any illegal immigrants. And they found that they couldn't employ anyone. And then millions of dollars of crops went to waste because there was a lot of crops. no one to do that job. They keep saying, well, Americans will do that job. Turns out they won't, and millions of dollars of crops went to waste. They rescinded that

law, and then plantations went back to hiring illegal immigrants. Yeah, I don't want to get into that on this episode. I see what you're saying. Oh, were you done? I'm sorry. Well, I just want to say, you need to find out what that optimal level is. Of slave labor? It's not quite slave labor.

Well, we're not paying them minimum wage, so that's fucking slave. Can they unionize? Do they have any rights at all? Then that's fucking slave labor. They have some rights, but I mean, you can't just kill them. You can't just use them as law. Oh yeah, why? Why? Because when you kill them, where are they going to go? They're going to go to the cops and say,

who was this guy? Oh, he was illegal and so am I. Like, there's like a huge incentive for them to not report violent crimes. Right. Because they want to stay here. Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Hey, it's very complicated. Easy fix, though. Build big fucking wall. No, geez. What do we, East Germany then?

What do we, Israel and Palestine, building a giant fucking wall? Israel has a huge wall. Yeah, exactly. And you don't want to fucking, we don't want to turn ourselves into Israel. Oh, there's a lot of walls around the world, though. Mexico has a wall, for example. Okay, great. This room where it has walls.

Yeah. We should build more walls. Why don't you knock these walls down? Anybody could come in and take a look at your stuff. Yeah. Because I don't think walls. Illegal immigration is like pooping after you shower. That poop tries to sneak across the border.

Dick, I think that there's so many bigger problems. I think for all the money that illegal immigrants may cost America, if you start looking at the top at the corruption that's going on in Wall Street, it's a drop in the bucket compared to the billions of dollars of waste and corruption that's going on. That's not the government, though. Insider trading and all those other shade. Probably high frequency trading would be the biggest. I'm sorry?

High frequency trading? What is that is? Look it up. You'll really love it. All right, that's my problem. What? High frequency trading? No, no, no, no, no.

Shitting after you shower. That's my problem. My problem is Donald Trump. Voted up. Donald J. Trump. What's a J stand for? Jerk? Jerk.

He's a jerk. Hey, I just called, let you guys know how big idiots you were. Thanks. And I forgot to tell Sean how cool he was. So Maddox, Dick, go fuck yourself. Sean, keep up the good work. Thanks, buddy.

Good for you, Sean. Fuck you. You know, we don't have to take the shit. We don't have to take the shit from our engineers tag teaming with the callers now? Is that what's going on? I'm emailing a lot of people. Was that your friend, Sean? Have you ever had any of your friends calling us her?

Don't I? No. No, no, honestly, I haven't. Your dog? I was trying to think if I have any friends. But you called in, Maddox? I called into the show. Okay, let's hear this.

Trying to do, trying to pull bullshit. Let's hear this bullshit. Hi, this is Maddox. This is how I talk. I just thought I call into my own show. I'll let dick know how fucking awesome he is. Oh, wow. This is not me.

Secret voicemail. Oh. Well, that's, that part's true. That's nice of you. I'm the best lover. I'm sorry, what? Just ask my Casper. Shut up, Sean.

Not funny. But do. Check out Casper Mangers is a suck. No, not this show. No. Hi, my name is Andrew from Oregon. A co-worker recently introduced me to your guys' show. And I just want to let you guys know that listening to your show has made me a better man.

Because you're both such fuck up. Oh, God. Maddox, go fuck yourself. Great. Nothing constructive. You fucked up the catchphrase, you idiot. Oh, yeah. What, the dick go fuck yourself?

Yeah. Yeah. Guys, a moron. Listen, just because you think that there are people out there who are worse off than you, doesn't make you better, idiot. You're still the same shitty level. Just because there's a more broken car than the one you have doesn't mean your car is awesome. Yeah, that's true.

A moron. Good point. And also, we're not that broken car. But it does raise your self-esteem. Yeah. I can't wait to... Yeah. Oh, Maddox.

I can't wait to hear you a video about you on Penn & South. I meant I've just been, you know, fucking clenching my hands, ringing my towels for like, I don't know, how long it's been. Definitely more than a couple of years, like you said, it's probably at least been six years. It's just about. It's been on Benadry. Yep. And now, exclusive, we've all been waiting for. Shut the fuck up, you're weird.

Oh, my God. Moron. You're finally going to talk about it. Yeah. Like a rape victim. Like a rape victim. Great. Real funny, real classy color that guy was.

Yeah. Yes, all Maddox is. Tired of it. Oh, wait, I got one more. Asteroos is the name of the Minotaur in Greek myth. Look it up. Did you know that? Did you know that?

Asteroos is the name of the Minotaur? I thought Asterois told us that he was like some kind of Skylord. Star Lord. He was a Starlord. That's what it was. Oh, you got the wrong guy. I think I got the right guy. By the way, I still don't get that.

I still don't get how Starlords and insult. Go ahead. Call me Star Lord. That's why. All right. See you next Tuesday. More politics next Tuesday. All the politics you can take.