The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 81

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from prison shanks to robbed banks with over 4 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me is Dick. Hey, what's up funny? Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. We have some more in-studio guests today observing. We have Tyler and Randy.

Welcome back, guys. Episode 81, guys. You should change that to the show where we discuss everything from politics to politics. Maybe. Maybe last week. of the biggest problem in the universe last week was shitting yourself after you shower shitting after you shower having to shit after you shower that's a universal problem you've experienced it we've all experienced it the only man on earth who hasn't

experienced it is Donald Trump yeah because he's such a good manager yeah he can manage his own sphincter in barrels yeah that's what we don't have in the administration right now he's an expert at expelling shit from his body for sure for sure that idiot, like every week. Every week there's something. The newest controversy with that dickhead, do you see him mocking that New York Times reporter? Oh, what?

That's hilarious. You don't think mocking the handicap is funny? Who am I talking to? Yeah. Please, I'll vote twice for that guy. I want him to come up in a wheelchair. Hey, get me money, I'm Donald Trump. I'm here to give you a speech.

I'll vote, vote, vote, vote, vote. Well, you got me there, Dick. That is my part. Get the fuck out of here with that. The most compelling argument I've heard for Trump. And that's the future. That's going to be the entire GOP after this election. They're all going to be like jackass trying to one up each other like that.

Was he a problem? In the end, was he a problem at all? Did he clear zero? No, he didn't. Yeah, he did clear zero. Yeah, he got... Damn it! Yeah.

Right. He did. He's definitely a problem, Dick. And I looked it up, so, again, last episode, I talked about Trump and how he wanted to raise tax on the rich. You said that was an article that CNN wrote for retards. No, no, no, no, wait a minute. You said that he wanted to raise...

First of all, CNN writes everything for retards. Yes, that's true. You said he wanted to raise taxes on the rich. And I said his tax policy breakdown would definitively lower taxes on the rich. Like, his highest tax bracket is much lower than what the rich pay right now. Yeah.

By and large, he wants to close some loopholes on, like, hedge fund managers and whatever, realty stuff. But I'm, you know, what are you say? Don't close loopholes? I like that he's closing loopholes. I looked it up. I like those loopholes that he wants to close.

Those are popular loopholes that politicians have proposed closing. for years. And then I looked at his tax bracket and it would indeed lower taxes on the rich. However, it just sounds like double talk because he's talked in the past about raising taxes on the rich and certain brackets of the rich like, you know, hedge fund managers and people who are in real estate, et cetera. But I looked it up because I know I'm not crazy. And back in 1999, he did propose the biggest tax hike in U.S. history ever. He did? Oh, yeah. Did he want to tax handicap people?

No, that wouldn't be that much. Vote down paralysis. Here's the quote. Here's what he said back in 1990. This would be a one-time tax, 14.25% against people with a net worth of over $10 million, $10 million or more. It would pay off in its entirety the national debt of $5.7 trillion. You'd save $200 billion a year, so taxes for the middle class would go way down.

So this would be very positive for everybody, including the rich, the 1% that really are paying the tax. In fact, by our estimates, you would pay someone in the neighborhood of $700 million or more. That's correct. I've never known Donald Trump to willingly give up $700 million. I think it would be great for the country. All these numbers. I'd start jerking off again.

...duringly looked at and considered. $700 million tax. And so I did some math, and I calculated what is... Her favorite thing to do in bed. You're doing math on some chicks back and her lip... You're like, oh, I just thought of something. Give me your lipstick while I'm banging your doggy's having to do some equations on your back. That's how I imagine you do it.

Here's a derivative on your back, baby. No, so I was doing some, I did some math, and I calculated his net worth at that time of that interview, and it was about $500 billion. $500 billion. It was $5 billion. $5 billion. So it was about $5 billion at the time of that interview. And so he would be paying close to, like you said, $15%, $700 million. And then the guy followed up the question.

He said, well, a lot of multimillionaires and billionaires don't have a lot of cash reserves. They have those in assets. How would you propose they pay that tax? And he said, Donald Trump's answer was, what? What do you think? I don't know. Selling off assets. He expects people to sell their property to pay a tax.

I don't know that any of this is true, though, because that Muslim ID bad shit wasn't true. You looked that up, right? I looked it up. He said he definitively said he did not say. Did you watch the video of that guy sandbagging him? I watched the video, and it did look like the reporter was trying to get him with a gotcha. Yeah. Isn't that kind of shameful, though, you think?

Like, that that's what our journalism is? Let's generate a headline by, like, sandbagging a guy. You can, like, not be political and think that that's kind of a shameful way for journalists to act. Absolutely. Absolutely. Because they're always looking for those gotcha moments. Yeah, sucks. No, but...

And then everybody gets all pissed off. Like, everybody gets all divisive and draws their party lines over something that nobody even said. It sucks. But then the follow-up questions, like when, I don't know if Trump was fully aware of the questions that were being asked of him. No, absolutely not. But he, when he was asked where you would like this database to be taken, like where we should get this registry, he said, you know, the reporter suggested mosques or someplace. He goes, yeah, we should look at everything. Oh, look at everything.

What's wrong with that? But then, but then. Let's look at these handicap people. What are they doing? Here's what was telling about Trump, though. It took him two days for him to denounce the idea that he would even be behind a National Muslim Registry. I know what you mean. Somebody on 4chan after you posted the Donald Trump episode, of course, poll slash poll, huge Donald Trump hotbed of support. Yeah, unfortunately.

Somebody on one of those threads called me a fairy. I was in there 10 seconds later denouncing that. How the fuck am I a fairy on this thread? Guys that I performed at UCB And that's basically like taking a cock up the ass I was like, well, I mean... I mean, you can't deny that. Yeah?

I can't deny that. Hey, we got a package from our beautiful, lovely, talented transcriber. Lori Foster, Lori sent us a very special gift, Dick. Cool. I'm holding here a little jar and it has on it a drawing of the White House. It looks like a White House on it. Looks like a child drew it.

And inside it is... Did Lori draw that or did a six-year-old draw that? This is definitely F-work at best. It does, doesn't it? She attached a note here. It says, This was the smallest government I could find, hope it's okay, and inside it are a bunch of little politicians. Oh, who did we got here?

We have a bunch of little politician action figures. James Buchanan. Yeah. All right. Started the Civil War, did he? Is that right? Uh-huh. Well, Lincoln was in office.

He ended it, buddy. He was in for the start. Oh, he was in right before Lincoln? Yeah, the South seceded. I can't remember which state, but yeah, he was elected in 1860. James Tyler, 30 days. We got Harrison. We got Taft.

We got all the classic presidents. In this little White House. It's a very small government, Dick. You should love this. I love it. John Adams, there you go. We got all the governments in there. How many of these people made fun of the handicapped?

That's what I want to know. I think some of them were handicapped. Did Lori happen to give you a plug for her comic book. Super. No, but that we should plug her comic book. I'm just saying if you're going to send us gifts, make it very clear what we should be plugging because it's hard to look that shit up.

No, but she sent us gifts in the past, I don't think, without a plug attached. Yeah, but no, we should plug Lori's comic. Super, Super Volume 2 is what they're pushing right now. And Super Volume 1 is incredible guys. Check out Lori's comic. It's really great. That was, this sounds like an intentional plug. It totally wasn't, though.

This is just fans of the, fans of the show being fans of the transcribers. Oh, like their time, like your time is worth so much that you can't go check out Lori's comic. Yeah. You're working, you're listening to this at work. It's something to do at work. Frankly, it's a service. Because when you're at work trying to waste time before five, sometimes it's difficult to find something to do. So we're giving you something you can do while wasting time at work.

God forbid you work. God, come on. Get Maddox, please. Get out of here. We also have, actually, one of the illustrators who's made some of the thumbnails for the show, Jessica Safron. She also has a comic, Satan Ninja. Check that one out, too. These are—

I mean, she didn't send any presents to us, though. So what are doing? I'm just plugging people who are talented and associated with the show. Thank you, Lori, for the gift. That's awesome. And Dick, is that a small enough government for you, or is that not small enough? No, it's getting better. Yeah, that's—

Yeah, I like a government that I can hold hostage with a magnifying glass. I want a government so small you can barely see it. Stop with the politics. I hear some voicemail. Hey guys, a big fan of your show. And Dick, you're such a fucking idiot. I've never heard of such a huge idiot in my life. I can't believe it, really.

You talk about global warming and you're like, yeah, we need shorter shorts. Yeah, well, fucking die from flooding. It's not a joke. easier to wait around him I'm overwhelmed you talk about Donald Trump like it's all you know whatever

yeah man he's just speaking his mind no it's all bullshit I can't believe it I'm speechless you got stunked I'm shocked

evidence of his stumping fuck you guys he didn't sound speechless we're gonna die in flooding because of global warming is that the word now He wants you.

He wants you to die from flooding. Different. Oh, is that what he said? Yeah. He didn't want to. I thought he was saying we were going to die from flooding because of global warming. No, no, no. He said,

which I would be, like, that would be it. We'd all be caught with our pants down, pretty much. You'd have millions of people caught with their pants down. Global warming killed us with tidal waves. It'd be hilarious. No, but he was saying die from flooding, and he didn't suggest that it would be because of global warming. Oh.

But he's just saying, like, in general, he wants you to die from a flood. Oh, okay. Let's take another one here. Alright, Dick, what kind of stupid pooping in the shower bullshit is this? That's a problem. Like, haven't you ever heard about, you know, maybe holding it for two seconds? Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of your problems, Dick, is like, you know, I forgot.

One of them was, I forgot my fly down or something. What was it? Leaving your fly down. Like, the solution is like, don't. Be vigilant all the time. Never screw up. That's the solution. It's a problem that has no repercussions.

Leaving your fly down? Yeah. That's embarrassing. What's a bigger repercussion than you personally being embarrassed? Well, he did it on stage. You did? Maddox, you did? Yeah, I remember.

Yeah, the improv show I did, yeah. I got two more, two more about the refugees, and then I'm done. Then I got a song from Waterboy. I'll hear it. Hey, Dick, the last time we turned away refugees, they all died in the fucking Holocaust. off. I'll want you show some fucking compassion. Come on.

Yeah, Dick. I got lit up. I don't know if I could play. Are these donors? You said one of your arguments last episode was that not everyone's entitled to be an American. Correct. Right. But what makes you entitled to be an American?

I was born here. But that doesn't, I mean, that doesn't mean anything. Just because your parents arbitrarily fucked on this piece of dirt. It doesn't give you any. Like, what did you do personally to earn the right to be here? It literally does. It literally makes me an American. Nothing else does.

I know, I know, but legally. But I'm saying, like, what difference does it make? It's like having a dick makes me entitled to be a man. That's it. I'm an American. I was born here. I don't know. I don't know.

I think that the case could be made that the more you do for the country, the more entitled you are to be a part of that country. Oh, okay. Well, I've got, I'll just play the song for you. All right. So I'm growing. This is from Grant Mooney. You're going to like this one.

Don't throw a fit as soon as you hear it. Because I think you're going to like it. Why are you doing this? I'm playing it for Trump. It's bullshit already. I promise you'll like it. And you'll like it. See?

And he can go fuck himself. This TV show. Oh, beautiful songs. And he deserves this. Oh, beautiful songs. He should get launched into space. And tell her you can go on and go on and go fuck yourself. Ah, oh.

Beautiful song. Beautiful song. And a nice gesture. for a man who apologized. Yeah, never apologized. That's when people start piling on. Yeah. I still hate that song,

but that is the best version in that song I've ever heard. All right, you want to get right into the problems. Randy's here. Randy's being very strict about making us do four problems today. Is that right, Randy? You said, and I quote,

you dumb fucks have been jerking yourselves off, reading comments, flattering comments about yourselves, instead of giving people what they want, which is problems. Is that sure? were false. You even me the thumbs up like that's true. Yeah. Okay. You want me to go first? Go for it. All right. I got a real big problem.

Way bigger than having to shit after you've showered. Oh, so anything. Yes. Has this ever happened to you? Someone is, you're meeting up with someone. And they say, you say, oh, great, where are we meeting? When are we meeting? Where are we meeting? Oh, it's, you know, bar one in North Hollywood. Great. I'm I'm gonna hang up. That's what I'm thinking in my head.

Great, you've told me the location. Now I'm gonna hang up and look for the directions. And here's when the problem starts. They say, oh yeah, this is how you get there. You're coming from Hollywood. What you want to do is get on the 101. And I start plugging my ears because I do not want to hear the human driving directions they're giving me. That's it.

The transaction is done. I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear your specific version of how to get there on the road. Like, do you not, do these people not have Google Maps, Ways, Yahoo Maps, MapQuest? Did they stop using the internet in like 1998 when these things, when computers took over the ability to give driving directions? Yeah, how old was this person you were talking to? Well, I'm going to get to this. I got a good story about my life coach and I, um, screwing up when we went to shoot guns.

We had a, we had a gun weekend all planned out. Okay. Like we were pretending to... Not romantic? Yeah, we were both pretending to be Sarah Connor. Yeah. We were going to go out in the desert, and we were going to shoot a shitload of guns, like distance shooting, you know?

Right. Like, sniper stuff. Yeah. Right. Like, we were going to be like, oh, man, this is... We're going to, like, start training for the apocalypse, right? Right, right. And we had, like, we had like 20 people going.

The zombie apocalypse. Yeah. Oh. Planning for, or any kind of apocalypse. Maybe a libertarian apocalypse, actually. Libertarians finally rise up. All you need is a magnifying glass. So we have this

We've planned this We never planned anything Like a lot of times We just show up at a place And we don't even know how we got there Because we don't even plan where we're going We've been planning this trip We've been planning this trip last weekend

For like three weeks Like texting each other about it Hey what kind of guns What kind of guns do you want to shoot? Like what kind of guns is everybody else bringing Like oh check this out Somebody's bringing a 50 caliber rifle Like ooh

We're emailing this woman Who's putting it together The Real Sarah Connor We're emailing like Hey is it okay to bring you know, questionable guns, quote-unquote illegal guns. Okay, yeah.

She's like, don't worry, there will be tons there. There will be tons of cops there, and they'll have the most illegalist of guns. So we're like, oh, my God. So the cops just like confiscate exotic weapons and stuff, and then they bring him to shooting ranges and fuck around with them. Oh, they totally do.

Yeah, that's absolutely a real thing. So my life coach and I, we get so excited the week before, we go to zero in our AR-15s, right? so they're more accurate. As if the gun is the issue and not the two dummies who've maybe put 200 rounds through it, right?

We're going to the firing range and everybody's like, hey, can you Google how to zero in an AR-15 on the way there so when we get there we can get out our micrometers and our Allen wrenches and fix the iron sights on an AR-15? We got it. We get there. We do a little pre-game, right, for the next week.

Okay. So you know, you understand it for a week. We're very excited. All right? We're so, I'm, I sent a girl home the night before we're going on this shooting trip because I'm like, baby, I have so much stuff to do. I've got to set out all the bullets. I've got to set out my hunting, my shooting clothes.

I've got a shirt with a bald, a bald eagle on it with the sleeves torn off. Sure. That I got at Walmart. Like, I got all this stuff I got to prepare for. I can't have you here queering up my brain with your feminine wiles, right? Get out of here. Minutes. Minutes of work you have to do.

I have to take them out of the closet. Maddox, I've never planned for something on the scale before. This is like a wedding. Like, I've never planned for anything before. What? Now, would you finish cooking the chili and get the fuck out of here? So I'm texting my life coach. We're I-Ming all night.

We're up until like three in the morning. Oh, we've got to get bullets. We've got to get some 38, 38 special rounds. We've got to get a box of 38 special rounds. I want to see how accurate my magnum is at 100 yards. How accurate do you think you're going to be? How accurate do you think you're going to be? Do you think you could hit a target at 300?

You guys are like turning this into some like chick session. Like girls who don't plan this much for baby showers. We were giddy. We were giddy with excitement about going shooting. They're out there shooting at sand. Hey, you're careful what you shoot at. Hey, yeah, I bet. Sounds like you guys were about to shoot some loads out there, Jesus.

Oh God, yeah. We were shooting loads at the time. We're sending, we're texting each other into like three, sending each other Trump videos, you know, getting really. And if any listeners want to know the shooting range, just follow the drizzle of cum from Dick's apartment. So it's like the worst Hansel and Gretel episode ever. So I look at the email where this place is.

And it looks way out in the sticks, right? So I'm going, I don't think my sports car with the Persian racing rims can make it out in the sticks. It's got a low clearance. Sports car. It's meant to drop panties. It's not meant for off-road. Okay.

Or boxers, whatever. Whichever way you swing. Right, that's fair. So, Life Coach goes, oh, just read the email. Read the whole email. Something I never do. So, I read the email and it says, here's the place. If you have an SUV, get off the freeway,

hook an immediate left, right? And you can take a shortcut because it's a dirt road. Right. But if you drive a regular car, keep going straight. You got to do, it takes you a little longer, but you'll get there, right? So I'm like, oh, oh, great. Perfect, right? No reason to worry at all.

You're thinking you have the regular car instructions, so you should be able to get there just fine. Yep, the computer, the map says, hey, dick, you might want to check this out because it looks out, it looks like it's out in the sticks. This might be a problem for you. Yeah. Here comes the human, comes along, hey, no problem.

Right? No problem, so I'm like, we're good to go, all right? All right. I'm up early. I'm earlier than I've ever been in my life. I tool over to life coach's house, pick him up. We look at all of our guns. We talk about which ones are our favorites.

We load them in the trunk. We got two coolers. We got a cooler of sausages and beer for the trunk. We got a cooler of road sodas for the car. Lots of sausages in this car. Yeah, and beer. We find, we stop at an ammo store. We pull in like $250 of ammo.

A lot for that day of shooting, but then some for personal consumption, right? Like some for us. for our stashes. We're flirting with, there's a girl behind the counter there. We're talking, we're being real, real cool, right? Real cool. Load up on some burritos, head out into the desert, right?

We're playing the end of Terminator 2. I'm humming it in my head as we're going out. Dun, dun, dun, dun, like going down to Corona, you know? Oh, my God. Okay, so we get off, we get off the freeway. Sure enough, there's the exit on the left. Dirt road, look at this dirt road. Look at these chumps with their SUV.

It would be nice to have an SUV and take this shortcut, right? But we don't. We're in a regular car, like the girl said. Go about 50 more yards. Big sign. End of road. There in front of us is another exactly the same identical dirt road. Okay.

So we're fucked. Yeah. So that's the end. That's the end of our shooting trip. That's the end of three weeks of planning is two dirt roads that look like they've been beat up with a sledgehammer by Paul Bunyan. And me, with my Persian racing rims, and about, I don't know, $2,000 of guns in the backseat with my Trump hat on and my torn off sleeves of my bald eagle shirt looking like a jackassing. Well, so much for that.

Thanks for the human driving directions. Thanks for weighing in. Thanks for telling us that we could go off-roading one way, but instead, if we would like, we could take the long way, which is just as much off-roading as the first way. But you could try to do it in a car. So did you not go? Did you actually just turn around? No, we sat there. We called everybody to come pick us up, right?

Drive down the two miles to come pick us up. Nobody's answering their phone because they're having too much fun shooting guns. And there's no service up in the hills. No, they're service. They're just having too much fun. They've abandoned all of their devices. They're closed, probably. They're never thinking about work again.

They're never coming home. It's like Neverland. It's like a very violent yoga retreat. You don't have electronics on you. You're not bothered by anything. You just want to have a very zen violent moment. Yeah. Yeah.

So we're sitting there, you know, feeling like losers. Yeah. With a trunk load of guns. Yeah. I'm trying to convince my life coach to put in more, like, dude, send email, email everybody, email everyone in the universe to come pick us up, right? Right. So I see two Mexican dudes across the street in an old pickup truck.

Yeah. And I'm like, I know what to do. I know what to do here. So I get out on like, here, here, here, I'm going to fix this. So I pop off my trump hat, throw it in the trunk. Like, they don't want to see that. No. Hostages. What?

Hostages. Hostages, the Mexican guys? Yeah, this is going to have. No, no, no, no, no. So I walk and I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, seigneurs. Hey, okay, Paso, right? Yeah, what's going on? What's going on? Nice truck.

I'm going to get a ride from these guys. Right. Right? So I get to, I get to, um, my amigo, yo, are looking for the pist, looking to use our pistolas, right? You guys pistolas? they're like, uh, uh, uh, no, no, no, no, not us, not us. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds, it sounds scary, to be fair. A bunch of strangers come up to you on the freeway. Hey, I got a trunk full of pistols. Can you give me a ride? No, fuck off. I'm calling the police. Well, you know, see, it's an easy 40 bucks. I just want to drive up the road.

Just take me and all my contraband back here. Take me and all my arms up the hill and you got an easy $40. What? Yeah. Would you do it? I would. No, absolutely. No.

No. So did they? No. Of course not. They said their truck couldn't take it. Yeah. Said the suspension was bad. It's like, oh, really?

That's what I would say, too. You're the only two Mexican guys on the planet worried about the suspension of their 80s Toyota. Fuck you. Yeah, so you'd end up not going? What happened? Eventually, one of your friends came down and picked up? No, we just left. You just left?

Yeah, we just drove home our tails between our legs. No, what are we going to do? Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. It's two miles. It's two miles.

With 100 pounds of guns on our backs? Don't take them all. Yeah. Leave them all. What's even the point then? Yeah, just take your AR-15 and a couple clips, and I'm sure they have ammo up there. This is, you're describing a scenario of how people get killed. Like, this is how a drone attack happens.

We spotted two assholes wandering around a neighborhood in the desert with Duke Nukem's arsenal strapped to their backs. Take them out. You're not black, so you don't have to worry about getting accosted by police officers for carrying a gun around. You guys are all Second Amendment nuts, and they just come by. Hey, what's going on over here? Just, second amendment, sir, all right, carry on. And then a black dude does it.

There's a video on YouTube. A black dude does this in Phoenix. Exact save demonstration. Police come, like four, five different cop cars come. Guns drawn. Get on the ground. Get on the ground. Fuck you.

Like, putting guns in his face, and then they find out, oh, he's a Second Amendment dude. And then they let him up. But total, total exact same situation. Human driving directions. Yeah. Leave it up to the computers. I never want to get directions from a human being ever in my life, ever again, don't ever give them. Well, had you followed the computer, you would have gone down the SUV route and been fucked just as well.

Yeah, but it would have been dirt. I would have known it was dirt. The computer would say, you can't drive your car here. Get a better car. So you thought... Yeah, but not all dirt roads are super hilly or, you know, jagged or whatever I would say. of wrist my car on any kind of dirt road. Those those tires like $800.

Yeah. Yeah. Hashtag not all dirt roads. I don't even pull over to the side of the road. I just stop right in the middle of the road if I'm experiencing a problem. That's how protective I am of my tires. Oh, yeah. Brain slick dick over here. Real protective.

I'll take up two lanes, in fact, so that people will have to go way around me. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's my problem. Yeah. Usually, I found that the only people who still gave MapQuest directions were girls that I dated. over the age of 25.

For some reason, 25 is the cutoff point between the MapQuest generation and then the post MapQuest generation. Yeah, I agree with him. So pre-MapQuest generation is, well, excuse me, post-MapQuest generation is anyone younger than 25.

And then post-25, you'll still find people who occasionally use MapQuest. The shittiest map service prints out ads on the map, and then they have all these, like, paper printouts. I'm like, you have a phone.

You have a smartphone. It has GPS on it. Yeah, but, There's something comforting about those MapQuest printouts. You know, it's like a nostalgia factor. I hate them so much. What about landmark directions? No, no human directions ever.

I don't want any help or hints on how to get there. If it were Maddox, it would be like, okay, pass the rusty Schwinn, chain to the mailbox, and then third bike rack on your left, and then you're there. Real shitty, Sean. All right, go ahead. That's my problem. All right, Dick. That's your problem?

All right, time to get to a real problem, Dick. Superhero obsessions. All right? Superhero obsessions. Oh, that's a real fucking problem. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Right. So, Dick, I was looking into this, and I wondered why it just seems like

everything is fucking superhero all the time now. So, you guys, we talked about this a little bit before the show, but before we started recording, but there's this new show on, I don't even know what channel is it on Netflix. It's Jessica Jones. I don't know. All I've heard

for the last, I don't know, three, four weeks on Facebook and Twitter is, oh my God, Jessica Jones is so good. Jessica Jones is the best superhero movie, TV show I've ever seen. That's a superhero? It's a superhero. It's a talk show host. Yeah.

Like Jenny Jones. Yeah. Or a weight loss program. Yeah. Well, she doesn't need to lose weight. She's played by, what's her name, Christina Ritter? They all need to lose weight. Come on. Fuck. She's played by Christina Ritter. So, Christina Ritter, she was

She was, what's his name's girlfriend in Breaking Bad for a hot minute who... Oh, Pinkman? The drugged out? She's girlfriend. Yeah, she died of a heroin overdose. Yeah, she was hot. She was hot, right? Yeah.

Anyway, she's Jessica Jones. So I heard so much fucking hype about this show. I finally decided, you know what? I'm going to sit down. I'm going to watch them fucking Jessica Jones because I plug my ears and hold my nose. Every time another one, these things come up. Oh, you got to watch Daredevil. It's the best superhero TV shows since Marvel's ever made.

And so I plug my ears. my ears and held my nose and I ignored that shit and it fucking went away, thank God. Yeah. This Jessica Jones shit seemed like a juggernaut. Like there was no stopping the momentum of this fucking show. So I watched three episodes. Back to back,

three episodes. I binge watch three episodes. And I am so fucking bored. I am so bored. There's nobody likable in this whole universe. What is it? What kind of superhero is this? Oh, she's a superhero. She has super strength and she like jumps really high and then she can run fast.

But she drinks like a fish. Oh, really? She does, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. She's belting it down all the time. Does she knock people out when she's drunk and jump over shit? That's what I would do. She has a lot of drunken sex.

There's that. Yeah. I don't. She hooks up. So anyway, her backstory is she went to the same high school as Peter Parker. So she was in the same high school, Spider-Man, and, you know, came from that universe. And she has these superheroes, but she kind of keeps them subdued. So she becomes a private investigator.

And it just becomes a slow... What is the point of this show? Why is anyone watching it? Because, I don't know. Everyone's raving about Jessica Jones, so I watched it. And she is so unlikable. Everything she says is sarcastic. Have you ever been around one of these fuckers?

A sarcastic woman? A sarcastic, like someone who can't not be sarcastic. Yeah, weekly. Yeah, it's a nightmare. Shut up, Sean, and I mean that sincerely. But I've been around my friends, like 17-year-old daughters and 14-year-old kids and stuff. How long? Tell me about this daughter you were around. And it seems like...

What was her dad like? It seems like wasn't in the picture, Dick. You're perfect girl. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Seems like this is like... Seating six months. The most standard operating procedure for these kids is to be sarcastic.

and all she does throughout this entire series is roll her eyes and by all she she rolls her eyes and then says some sarcastic fucking quip which makes me want to just like smack her like just give me a straight fucking answer why can't you be sincere just want deliver one sincere line is her bad guy a guy like you it's like just flipping out over her little quips and eye rolls that'd be a good superpower her bad guy's her curmudgeonly Armenian neighbor Yeah, who's like a villain

And all of his world domination schemes get blown Because she like annoys him He's like in there, giving his speech to the UN Like, I want a hundred million dollars And all the Syrian refugees And he can't stop thinking about like what she said next door Like that bitch, I know she stole my mail She's so annoying

She's so annoying So anyway, by the end of the third episode And it has kind of an interesting supervillain The supervillains power Is this guy named Dr. Purple or Mr. Purple or something and his whole thing is he wears purple. And so he... Does not sound interesting.

He has the power of manipulation, which a lot of people are saying... It is you! Okay. Fuck you. He has the power of manipulation. So he's able to control people and make them do things they don't want to do.

And then there's like some rapey undertones. In fact, I think she gets raped at some point by this... I mean, what else would you do if you had that power? I don't know. Not that. You sick fuck. Like maybe rob a bank. And then you don't have to...

Like... Then you can buy it. Is that what you were going to say? This whole thing's in. It's all going out. Then you don't need it. Anyway, yeah, so Mr. Purple. So he has this power that he manipulates people.

Okay, wait a minute. Can I say real quick? I want to hear about what you think about superhero worship, not this shitty show. Oh, we're getting to it, yeah. I mean, I'm not going to watch the show. No, it's awful. And you know what? It's not awful.

It's just boring. I'll just say that. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen, but it's definitely boring. So this guy, he has the power of manipulation, and everyone's like, oh, I've never seen a superhero with that, with a supervillain with that power. It's so clever, it's so creative. You know what, guys, it's fucking done a billion times. In Leprechaun, Leopardcon, Leopardon in the hood, you know.

That's where he goes. That's where it's obvious. It's been done before. The Trellipon for in the hood. Yeah, a lepercon in the hood. That movie, like, he manipulates people. Remember that one episode in the third season of Streets, sharks, everyone know. It's been done before.

It's been done, guys. They ripped it off from leprechaun in the hood. So the leprechaun is able to manipulate people with this magic, it was magic mind, right? Anyway, so Mr. Purple does the same thing. Kind of interesting. The end of the first episode is interesting, and it's all been downhill from there. And then there was, like, a couple of hot chicks making out at one point. And that's it, and then that's it. Like, it only happened for a split second you don't see any boob. And then by the end of the third episode, you finally find out,

what the bad guy's weakness is. So imagine... Getting kicked in the nuts. No. Well, maybe. We won't know, because they never fucking hang out together in the same scene.

So by the end of the third episode, think about this in terms of movies, right? If this was a movie, it would be a three-hour-long movie. And imagine watching a three-hour-long movie where nothing is resolved and you only find out that there's a bad guy

who has a weakness by the end of the third hour. Bullshit. I could watch goagabuga twice in that time. We're talking about different kinds of bullshit right now. So what about superhero obsession? I know a guy, no bullshit, I know a guy who dressed up like Batman at his own wedding. How's that for superhero obsession?

Do I know him? Nope. Yeah, I would have been at this wedding otherwise. As what, Robin? Or Mr. Freeze? Funny jokes. Keep the jokes coming, guys. I'm loving these jokes.

These are great, great jokes. So superhero obsession I looked into it and I looked around online And there's some theories as to why there's so much superhero media right now So there's a theory that after 9-11 Americans have taken to superhero movies Because it offers us an escapist fantasy of mythological beings who are able to tackle problems Larger than ourselves So I think that something has changed in our culture and society

I thought that's what God was for God's not powerful enough I mean jump that high and get that drunk God doesn't have cooled gadgets Like a goderang that he shoots bad guys with Well it's interesting you mention that Sean Because this is on their side too Sorry for interrupting

These superheroes are exactly like an analog To the old Greek mythological gods So the old Greek mythological gods are essentially superheroes Neptune Apollo Hercules So you're saying Terrorists cause this

The reason there's all these shitty Marvel movies is because of terrorists. Go vote up terrorists, you motherfuckers. So I looked it up. I looked it up. And I was curious if there's any weight to this theory. And I looked at all the superhero movies released since like the beginning of time,

according to Wikipedia. And there were, in the 80s, there were 17 live action superhero movies. Okay, only 17 in all of the decade of the 80s. Then in the 90s, there were 34. then after 2000, it jumped up to 55, and then there's another 32 new superhero movies slated for the release over the next five years. Oh, God.

So over the next five years, this decade, we're on track to have the biggest superhero decade ever. And this is just live-action movies. This isn't even TV shows. You know what? At this point, I would rather watch a rom-com than a superhero movie. A lot of them are rom-coms, essentially. Yeah. Spider-Man, come on.

Get out of here. Do you know anybody who's really into superheroes? Yes, fucking everyone, man. And people put way too much weight on what superhero movies mean and the implication and the message and the symbolism and all those other bullshit. What do you mean?

What do you mean by that? Well, for example, there was an episode, so the new Supergirl series came out, the new Supergirl TV show. Yeah. And the internet screamed bloody murder because it wasn't whatever they were expecting it to be. She wasn't strong enough or she wasn't independent.

Like, I don't know what they were expecting, because the show was made kind of like a teen drama. Like, she had a crush on a boy in her school or work or something like that. I think it was her work. She had a crush on a boy, and she was thinking about her boy, and she wanted to impress him. And the superhero thread was just kind of almost like an afterthought to this series. And it's by Warner Brothers.

And people were saying, oh, well, why do you? they make her a strong superhero, strong female superhero. Guys, you can't win with these people. Because on one hand, if you take a superhero, a female superhero, and, like, superwoman, right? You get criticized because you're making a male superhero. You know what I mean? They're just taking a male superhero, not changing anything,

and then making her female and saying, well, there you go, there's your female superhero. Oh, okay. So that's one criticism. And then if they make it distinctly different. Yeah, there's not like a Wonder Man. Where's that guy? Yeah.

Like Wonder, a man but Wonder Woman? I think they did actually make a Wonder Man. Didn't take off. Did you have bracelets? No. No, I don't get that. No. Skirt?

Hey, I'll make you tell the truth. You know, what's interesting? That whole lasso thing, the guy who created Wonder Woman was really into bondage. And there's a lot, yeah, there's actually a lot of covers of the old Wonder Woman comics that are, that have her completely bound up and wrapped up and, like, all these, like, really sexy poses. Because the guy was, like, just kind of pervin out. It's kind of interesting. Anyway, I think the superhero fad is associated with infantilism.

Because a lot of people, I was looking on this website, KQED.org, radio program, actually. And they talked about why we're so obsessed with superheroes. And one of the first reasons they said is escapism. This is from their website. It says, simply put, these films are fun. They're exciting. It's 120 minutes of pure transcendental escapism, a mini vacation from your life. With so much going on in the world, acts of terrorism, home and abroad, immigration reform, widespread poverty,

and global climate change, superhero movies provide a utopian script for life. So it's kind of, you know, that was my problem with infantilism, is that people are avoiding responsibility and avoiding confronting their problems in life with this childish bullshit. And I talked about the coloring books. I just went to Barnes & Noble the other day, and they have an entire section of adult coloring books. It's like they're number one seller right now, because people are saying that adult coloring books are good for therapy and so on and so forth.

You know, everyone's got. Yeah, whatever. They're good for whatever you got. Step right up. You got revitalizing, tantalizing, coloring books. Yeah. Cure all your ills. That's what it is. Put vigor, back into your step. Yeah. It's avoiding adult responsibilities and problems

with childish gimmicks and toys. It's infantilism. I think that superhero obsession is a subset of infantilism. Go vote up infantilism, people. How come there's no R-rated superhero movies? There are. Really? Spawn. Spawn sucked, though.

It's so emo. You know, Spawn, the movie, the live-action movie sucked, but the HBO animated series was so good. And nobody watched it. It's so good. Why isn't there like a superhero movie where the superheroes like, hey, Lex Luthorne, fuck you. Like, you know?

They're looking for a specific rating. Yeah. Think at a lot of these stupid movies. One can't be an R? Big box office, man. Every movie needs to be big. Not only are they not making R-rated superhero movies, but they're taking old R-rated superhero movies like Robocop,

and then making them PG-13 to make more money. Oh, yeah, what about Deadpool? Yeah, Deadpool. Deadpool, Deadpool's Raider. Yeah, that's coming out. I saw the trailer for it, though. It made me not want to see it. Yeah, Deadpool's hit and miss,

but there's some really funny Deadpool comics, and the video game is pretty funny in bits and pieces. But, yeah, there are some R-rated superhero movies, but by and large, they're rated PG and PG-13 because they want to get the biggest cash grab they can. Then another theory is that it's a reflection of our secret desire to be saved. Some people think that, you know, it's almost like this weird psychosexual thing going on where this is from the article says, we play so many roles in real life, parent, partner, worker, student, caretaker, breadwinner.

Would it be nice to let someone else steer the automobile called your life? So it's kind of like this resignation of responsibility, again, infantilism, where you, allow someone bigger and stronger than you to take care of you. Oh, boy. Yeah. All right. Yeah, and pack that one. And then finally, there's the hero's journey story that we all just like.

There are these classic story, what are they called? Stories. Arks? Story arcs. Yeah. I think it's a story arc. They're just classic Greek story arcs, right? Yeah.

And the hero's journey is one of them. It says the myth of the hero's journey is familiar. It all started with Greeks and their stories of heroes. like Hercules. In the Middle Ages, Germanic audiences cheered in the mead halls, pounding their beersteins on the table as Beowulf slayed Grendel. Frodo saved Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings,

and Luke Skywalker used the force to battle Darth Vader, the emperor, et cetera, et cetera. Every generation has their heroes journey, and I'm so fucking sick of hearing about Star Wars already. What do you want, instead of all these superheroes? Just regular movies.

Remember movies? Like Pulp Fiction. Oh, okay. Yeah. Here's an insurance salesman who ponderes the meaning of life. Yeah, would you go see that? Actually, would that be better? Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies. Me too.

Okay. Yeah, and speaking of insurance salesman, there was an insurance salesman in that movie. That's right, he gets punched in the face. Yeah. Yeah, it was a great movie. I'd like a movie like Rambo. Where's Rainbow First Blood? We don't see that anymore.

Yeah. We gotta have another Vietnam. Great. Vote Trump. All right. Hey, I just want to remind you that today's episode is brought to you by Harry's. You go to Harry's and enter promo code Biggest Problem. You get $5 off your order? Yeah, $5 off your first purchase. So Harry's sent us. By the way, we had a call

with Harry's. Wasn't that fun? Yeah. We had a call with Harry's. They wanted to congratulate us on how good our ad reads are. Yeah. That's what I got out of that call. Is that not, Randy, was that not what they wanted to tell us? Basically, pretty much. Yeah, they loved us. Yeah, that was the first time we talked to the client, and I tried to finagle a trip to Germany out of it. Yes, yes, while using the wrong name of the guy we were on the call with. Wait, what did I say? You called him Rob the entire call.

That was not his name. I thought we were talking to Rob. No, Rob was on the call. Rob represents Lipson the hosting company. We were talking, that is not the guy who we were talking to the whole time. I couldn't tell whose voice it was. Clearly. He probably could, though. He probably knew what name was his.

I got called the wrong name on that. Whatever. You know what? We're not going to Germany either way. Immediately. Straight out of the game with so much confidence. Hey, Rob, I was like, oh, not the guy's name. Yeah, I thought that was Rob. No.

No. Well, you know what, guys, when there's six people on a conference call. I just use whatever name you want. It doesn't matter. You're talking to somebody, unless someone has a real distinct voice. Dick, you and I are the only two people who should not get mistaken in the show because we have the podcast and everyone listens to our voice and they know what it sounds like. This dude, I talked to him for the first time my life.

How am I supposed to recognize his name? I don't know. Why do you want to use his name then? Why do you come out immediately with, hey, Rob, why don't you just say no name at all? Yeah, I thought he introduced us to the phone call, the conversation. He was chaperoning. He was emceeing the phone call. He was, but the other guy was talking.

Anyway, go to carries.com. These promo got biggest problem. Look, they sent us their holiday kit, which is pretty slick, right? Yeah, it's very slick. I'm talking about the feel of this razor. I love, I do genuinely love my Harry's blades because of the cut of the blade.

There's a lot of razor companies out there, but I actually prefer the Harry's, the way it feels in my skin. You're looking for a good gift. Pick up one of these holiday packs for dad. Or your mom. Or your mom. Let's see what the ladies think of Harry's.

Ladies, you shit razors. Or your girlfriends, guys. You know what, ladies? I'm going to speak to the ladies. listeners, all three of you right now, okay? I know it's winter season, and you're putting on pants and shit, and you think you don't have to shave. We're talking to ladies now.

Like ladies, we know you put on pants and shit. Whatever you got. Whatever you got, right? Your hose. Shave your legs still, because I don't want to feel like, I don't want to feel a lumberjack when I'm reaching down to go to pound town. Is that... All right.

Harry's a go. Harry's.com slash biggest. Yeah, let me see here. Biggest problem, right? Yeah, harries.com, use promo code biggest problem. You get $5 off your first purchase. In the holiday kit, we have daily face wash. You want to try that?

You want to see what this tastes like? We got aftershave lotion. Makes you smell nice. We got the razor. It's not holiday themed, the razor. You're not going to pull it out, and it's got some stupid Sanrio surprise character on it with a Santa hat. It's just regular, classy themed.

A little carrying kit. No, hello kitties. No, no. Go to harrys.com, check it out. It's a real classy box, guys. This looks nice. For real, it could be for guys or girls. Bye for your mom.

Problem number two from me? Yeah, let's hear it. Here it is. This comes from a listener. Oh, God, I should say, my problem last week, having a shit after you showered, that was actually sent to me

by Eric Beer Baron Sayan. Eric Beer Baron Sayan. I didn't think of that. Oh, okay. I didn't think of a problem that clever. Thank you, Eric. I just want to make sure to credit this guy. Oh, it's a great problem.

Or Subaru Parts Jesus. The guy guys has named. like a rapper. I don't know why he does that, but I just wanted to make sure. So here's another problem from a listener. This came in from Sam Jacobs. Her boyfriend, as someone who sends stuff into the show, Horsecock, you know him, he teamed up with But Sanchise. I think he sent us all that salsa.

We haven't heard from Bud Sanchez for a long time. I have. He sent me a bunch of emails pissed off about Trump. Uh-huh. He sent like a big paragraph about how Trump is a piece of shit and I'm a piece of shit. You are. Yeah, I didn't bring it in now. You blew it. We're alienating the most

Sancho... The most butts of Sanchez's listening in our audience. Yeah, so this girl Sam Jacobs, whose boyfriend Horace Cox, a big listener to the show. They're both listening to the show. She's got something called...

Let me find it. She's got something called FSGS. It's a horrible kidney disease. Damn, and I wrote it down, but I can't find what it is. Her kidney's fucked. I'll look it up real quick. That's a...

I wrote it down here somewhere. You can't find it. It's really easy to typo that FSGS. What did you type? No. Come on. Out with it. One letter away from a hate crime.

Oh, God. It's a focal, focal, segmental glomerluscarosis. Yeah, that's what it is. Look, whatever. The girl's kidney is fucked. Okay? Yeah, it's the leading cause of kidney failure in adults.

I don't know what the kidney does, but you need it. It looks like it's a nephrotic syndrome. There are two of them. They're both fucked. You can live with one. What do you mean? You can live with one kidney, but I would assume they're both fucked. Well, guess what, Sean?

There's not enough organ donors out there. Yes. That's my problem. That's my problem this week. There's not enough organ donors. There are... Not enough organ donors. There are...

125,000 people on the waiting list right now. It's of two football stadiums of people on the organ donor waiting list. Wow, almost as many Syrians is trying to... get in. Yeah, every day, 80 people get organ transplant, but 22 people die every day waiting for organ transplants. Ah, that sucks. Just waiting for organ. Is, how does that, does that seem possible? How many people die every day? That seems very accurate, actually. 22 people dying every day waiting for organs? When so many people are getting killed, where the hell, where the hell do their organs go? Well, I thought about, so here's, here's my own

personal take on this, a long time ago. This is my own... When I was younger, I was super into conspiracies. I even drove out to Area 51. I think I mentioned this on the podcast, but I drove out to Area 51 to verify its existence and, you know, to spend some time by the black mailbox and do all this shit and really into UFOs and the Harp Project.

What were you hoping to see? MK. Ultra, all the shit. Area 51? What were you hoping to see there? Well, I was just looking to verify that it existed and see if the technology and the rumors that I heard was out there, and it definitely was. I saw a black helicopter.

Okay, black helicopter? Yeah, what else? Verified. Because I know nothing about, like, conspiracies like this. What were you hoping to see, and what did you verify? I was hoping to see the black helicopter. Okay. I saw a black helicopter.

They sent one up to intimidate us. Totally worked. Okay. We fucking high-tailed out of there so fast. I saw the white rangers. They have these huge satellite dish, like, globes on top of their cars. The security team out there. What does that do?

I don't know. No, I don't think it was alien technology. out there. But there were all these Joshua trees. And you guys, if you don't, if you aren't familiar with what Joshua trees look like, Google it, there were a bunch of fake Joshua trees in the desert. These looked like, uh, there were decoyed Joshua trees that had antennas and shit coming out of it. There were cables everywhere in the desert. I found so many cables when I was just walking around out there. Um, I wanted to verify that there was that fence, that old restricted keepout fence from Mary 51. So you went to a military base and found a fence.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You could drive up to the security post, but if you get that far, they'll probably arrest you. And you have no rights once they arrest you. It is not America. What do you mean? You have no rights. Like, there's some special classification of when people get arrested at Area 51, if you trespass into their territory, even get close enough. If you, like, jump the fence and get in?

If you get in the restricted area, yeah, correct. Okay, so that's trespassing on a military base. Right. Okay. But not only that, but if they arrest you for any reason anywhere in the vicinity, they can say that you are trespassing and you don't really have evidence, you don't have any rights. You don't get to call your lawyer. You don't get to call anyone. They decide it's all determined from within whether or not they release you or when they release you or how many fines or penalties you have to pay or whether or not you have to go to jail. It's entirely up to them. You know what? You know who will tell us what's going on in Area 51? Trump will tweet that shit immediately. Guys, he will be Instagramming in Area 51 in his tour.

Tell me that you don't think he would do that. No, I think he would. He's a reckless. And I know. So Area 51, the whole reason I mentioned that is because I was really into conspiracies way back in the day. And still, I read every conspiracy theory. I know all the ins and outs of the 9-11 conspiracies. My own personal conspiracy back when I was more of a dipshade conspiracy theorist is I voted no.

I always checked no on the organ donor. Okay. On my driver's license. Why? Because I did two. Why? Okay. I want to hear your reason. Because they're not going to save you, you think. More insidious than that, Sean. Was that your reason why?

No, that's what I thought he was going to say. One lunatic, that's a good lunatic reason. It's a good lunatic reason. Oh, fuck it. People need kidneys. Yeah, that's true. If I was a doctor, I would do it. He'll be paralyzed anyway. They could save eight people with this guy's body. This is even more insidious than that. It's next level.

So I thought that some rich person could pay for that list of organ donors. Okay. And hunt you down. Right? Hunt you down. Maybe you have an accident. Oh, this guy had an accident. I need an organ.

Strangled himself right outside of hospital. Yeah. Weird. He flew to Baltimore where my daughter's dying of a heart train. So I haven't strangled himself. He took all this aspirin right before he did it. He tripped down the stairs right into this bucket of ice. I don't know what happened.

Broke his neck. You thought that would happen that a rich person would assassinate you and harvest your organs? It's my dipshit conspiracy theory. There you go. Do you still think that? No. Are you an organ donor now? I'm not sure.

I don't remember. I think you would know. Let's see that license. Probably. I don't know. I want to see your license too, Sean. Are you an organ donor? No, I'm not, but I will be.

You're not an organ donor? No, and I don't know why. This fan needs a kidney. Okay? This fan is dying. The next time around, I totally will be. I don't know why I don't. You better, Sean.

You better check that box. A lot of, none. I don't have a good reason. Randy, are you? Let's prove it. All right. We're taking driver license out. I want to see your driver's license too.

I want to make sure. We probably need more executions. You know that a lot of death row inmates like end up donating their eyes and stuff like that. Oh yeah? Yeah. They fall off a truck.

Those eyes fell off a truck. There was that person too who donated their entire face. Someone got a full face transplant recently. How's that for donation, huh? And they got a good-looking face. Do you see that? I went to look just to see it if the guy was like good-looking before the face got face off.

Was that the result of a monkey attack? I think it might have been. No, he got burned. Yeah, his face got all fucked up. It all melted. The monkey started to fire, though. It was pissed off. As they often do.

I took a picture and owns the copy right. I don't know. This doesn't say anything. Maddox, I don't see organ donor on this thing. Yeah, that means I am. That means you're not an organ donor, you motherfucker. What about you, dickhead? Why aren't you?

I am an organ donor. I wasn't for the longest time because of my, It was an affront to my libertarian principles that I couldn't sell my organs. Like, I couldn't sign something and get cash now. Of course. So, like, look, you give me 50 grand, and when I die, you can have whatever you want.

You can take my dick, you can take my kidneys. Worthless. Whatever you want. Your liver's shot. You can eat it, you can play with it. My liver's probably a genetic anomaly. I'm probably a superhero. Some liver man, he just hangs it over the shower every morning.

Let's it ring it out. His liver is done it. But this. Then I saw a very special episode of House. That was the promo, too, right? Next on a very special episode of House. House went on some speech of why it's important to be an organ donor. And I was like, you know what, tomorrow when I get up and sober up,

I'm going to go sign up to be an organ donor because there's a guy like House out there who's bemoaning the lack of organ donors. This is the big idiot equalizer right here. Like idiots who vote for Trump who are like super into Trump are also like, Watching TV and getting advice from house. It's a watch. I'm sorry. You thought a rich person was going to assassinate you and steal your brain?

That's crazy. That's crazy. Because rich people have stolen billions of dollars from investors. They wouldn't knock off one Armenian. Why would they go for the organ donor list? Why, if they're going to murder somebody, they'd just murder a homeless person. They wouldn't look for a list of organ donors and go after them. They'd just go murder someone.

Because you fucking idiot. They have to know your blood type. They have to know that it's a match. That's why. They do testing beforehand. They invite you to a party. They give you a cocktail. They swab the rim of the glass.

They check your DNA. They check for genetic defects. They make sure it's a perfect match. Then bam, next thing you know, you're knocked off. Missing a kidney because I'm rich fucker. Stole it. So, Nicklowski, he's a good doctor and very thorough. He's setting you up.

Oh, whatever. Just got too drunk at this guy's party. Now I'm going to a doctor. Makes sense. Makes sense, guys. That's a conspiracy theory. That's not even on Wikipedia. Add it.

I still think it's bullshit that you can't sell your organs. It would fix homelessness. There's like the ramp of people waiting for organs is sloping up every year. Like it's more and more and more people need organs. But the list of transplants like hovers around 5,000. Like it's not moving up. So let's pump some money into this system.

I'll give you, I got two great kidneys. I don't know what it would. Two million bucks? Boom, you got it. Out the door. You know, you know what? No problem. You could do that in China.

Just go to China. Our fucking laws can't reach over there. You just go to China. You come home with a couple of suitcases of cash. You're set for life. Oh, is that true? Yeah, you can do anything in China, man. They're fucking creating chimeras.

They have a cloning lab now. Oh, great. This is from a guy who went to Area 51 is impressed at the fence. I don't know if I could believe what you're saying. Oh, I hopped the fence, buddy. What do you think they're doing in Area 51? Ah, jack shit now. They're probably just doing...

What do you think they were doing it? I'm sorry. Now nothing. What do you think they were in their heyday of making aliens? What were they doing? No, no, no. I don't think that there was alien shit in there. The professor who was pushing that theory the hardest. Was it vampires? No. The professor who was pushing that theory the hardest was this guy named Richard Hoagland. And I went to one of his talks for the first time when I was in at the University of Utah. And I thought, wow, I'm so excited because I've been reading this guy's works for years. This guy's writing for years. And I thought, this is a real professor. He's going to come and tell us about. about his theory on the face on Mars, right? Oh, God. That's so fucking stupid.

Did you believe that, too? Did you think it was weird? Well, because I read Richard Hoagland's writing, and I thought he sounds like ill legit, because he used to work at Area 51. It's okay to say, I want to know. I want to ask questions. That's it. I want to know.

Like Charlie Sheen in 9-11. Now he's got AIDS. Coincidence? I don't think so. All right. Dumb, dumb, all right. So I went to see this is Professor Richard Hoagland, Dr. Richard Hoagland, right there.

Yeah. Double doctor. I want them to start calling themselves Dr. Doctor, Dr. Richard Hoaglin. I've got two doctorates. If anyone listens to coast to coast AM, he's on like all the time. And that should tell you,

that should tell you everything right there. So this guy, he started like talking about these theories about like the geomagnetic force fields and how there's these. So his entire talk was mostly centered around Earth and how there are these

mole people. No, no, no, these, what are they called? They're these geophysical shapes, right? Clouds. Like tetrahedrons and pentagons, and they're like these mystic shapes that have, that show points of power and energy on Earth. Oh, God. And he said, well, it really correlates because there's one at the Pentagon. There's one at Napoleon.

Yeah. And there's one at Napoleon's tomb. And then there's one at, like, at New York City. And then there's one in Chicago. It's like, yeah, you're just looking at a map and just picking big city. Yeah. And there's one of the pyramids, of course, in Egypt. Yeah.

And the ones of the pyramids coincide with the pyramids on Egypt or on Mars. Oh, wow. And my mind is blown at this point by stupidity. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I've read this guys. Yeah, what have I done? Can I get a refund? Is it too late to get a refund? Can I get my parking validated?

It's under an hour. I left from the talk early. I felt like so ashamed of myself. for falling for this quackery. And then from that day on, I think I started looking at conspiracy theories way more critically. Ah, okay, that makes sense. Because, man, that Dr. Hogan guy, he is on a next level of bullshit. It's some crazy, crazy shit.

You ever seen anybody leaving one of your book signings looking like that? No, never. They're all dumbfounded and panties are drenched every single time. Even on the men. Yeah, especially the men. Dick, I want to mention something before we move on from this problem. Okay. There is a website called nefcure.org.

It's for the, it's kidney international. Nefcure.org. If you guys are interested in being an organ donor or helping out or maybe even contributing to this cause, it's nefcure.org. Looks like it's the one of the biggest advocacy websites for kidney cures. Make sure you get a little money for your troubles, though. Get a little something, maybe a new car. Something like that. Make sure you do if you're going to help.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really one of the things that actually warms my. my cold broken heart is, Jesus, Christ, Jesus, any way.

So that, one of the things that warms my cold broken heart is when I see these stories in the news where someone, like a customer going into a coffee shop for years, turns out needs a kidney, and the barista behind the counter, their friend, says,

you know what, I'll give you my kidney. It's just one of the most selfless acts. you can do. I really like that stuff. So here's what I found was interesting to this problem. So this girl, this girl, Sam Jacobs, she has A, B, negative blood. And a great rack, by the way. So she needs, it's like a rare blood type

for a kidney that she needs. That's why you need the database. Well, there's a thing called a kidney chain. So people want to donate, but they don't have the right matching kidney. Like this girl, she's, like, she spent 10 months in the hospital last year. Impossible for her to get a kidney because no one has it, right? So they get on a list, and they partner up with people,

and if somebody comes in to give their, like, kidney buddy, the right kidney, then that person will give somebody else who matches their kidney. Oh, that's cool. So it's like a chain of giving organs over. That's nice. All for free, but that's the, that's what, I thought that was interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Yeah, I don't know, man.

As soon as you start to add money into the equation, then you start to create a market for it. and that is a really scary shit. Okay. There's this hotline. You know that there's that horror story, that sketch or whatever, where people are afraid they wake up in a bathtub full of ice and they reach down and they feel a scar and their kidneys has been stolen.

It's like a classic, like, horror trope, right? Yeah. I don't think that's ever happened. But just to be safe, I think the European Union set up a hotline for people in case they ever find themselves in that kind of situation that they can call. And I think, I heard this on NPR a long time ago that nobody's ever called that hotline. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's a really scary thought. Oh, good problem, Dick. Nefcure.org, if you guys want to contribute or donate or anything like that. What, donate a kidney? People are going to be listening to that 10 minutes and say, oh, I got to donate a kidney.

Yeah, why not? I heard it on a podcast. Okay. All right, I got the real biggest problem in the universe, guys. Superhero obsessions. But next to that, lines. Oh. Lines is the biggest problem.

Yeah. Oh, that's a good problem. Did you have a Black Friday issue or something? No, no, although I did go to a store on Black Friday, just to see the madhouse. What store? I went to Best Buy. I walked in and it just looked dirty. Everything looked dirty.

Yeah. You know? And there's a billion fucking sales associates running around asking if you want anything. I'm like, no, man, I can see you. You'll go your shit you got. I don't want anything. I came in here to look at the spectacle. I don't want to buy anything.

Leave me alone. Yeah, my thumb. You idiot. You're the idiot My thumb is hovering on the record button In case any fights break out or anything like that Yeah No, there's nothing

It's just a bunch of cheap shitty TVs that no one wants And TVs are so cheap already anyway I don't even know what the going price of a TV is anymore I walk in like 300 bucks I think Is that a good price? I don't know I guess they're all about that cost right I don't know It's a bullshit anyway man

Now lines I hate writing them I hate it when people cross them and I hate waiting in them. Lines are the worst guys. I feel like some people love to wait in lines, right? There's a type of person. Okay.

Yeah, there's a type of person who loves to wait in line. They see long-ass lines to a club and they're completely okay with spending a third of their night waiting in line just to make the club look cool. All you're doing is advertising for the club. People who wait in lines. All those clubs are half empty anyway.

Sometimes they're completely empty. Yeah. Sean and I played at the Viper Room. Yeah. My sister got there first, and they made her wait outside to start a line while we were getting ready to play to a completely empty bar. Yeah. Yeah, it's all advertising.

Sucked. It's bullshit. They're just using you. They're using your feet. And you're a sucker if you're waiting in them. I won't wait in the line that's going to take more than 10 minutes with very few exceptions. If you get to a club around 11 p.m., right, and you have to wait in line for an hour, you only have two hours inside to get a drink or do anything.

So that means 33% of your time was spent standing on a sidewalk like an asshole. And if you're a girl wearing heels, that means you've probably flung them over your shoulder and you're standing barefoot and lugies and gum. It's awful. Gross. It's the worst. Vote up high heels, guys.

Yeah? That shit. Because it's always girls who can't wear them standing around. Did you do this math on a girl's back, like I was saying, with lipstick? I spent 30% of my time in line. derivative, two-hour night. No, no. I don't know.

Here's a little fact about yours truly. I almost always skip airport lines. Like, I hate them, and I won't stand in them, because everyone's an idiot except for me. Okay. How you skip them, though? I just walk up to the fucking front. And I look at, here's the only time I won't skip an airport line, right?

If I look at the line, and it looks like everyone in there, is studious and paying attention and diligent. They're getting their shit done. They're paying attention. They're not fucking around on their cell phones. They're not chasing their kids around. They're not picking up their skis like clumsy idiots.

If they're all paying attention and they're going, as soon as the teller or the machine is empty, they're stepping up to use it, I'm not going to skip that line because that's unfair. When you say skip, you mean cut. Yeah. Okay.

But more often, like nine times out of ten, I'll walk up to an airport queue, and I'll look at the guy at the front of the line is fucking around, like just checking his cell phone or talking to his wife or his kids or whatever, and the person at the front who's helping saying, next, next, next,

you know what? I'm next. Because if you don't go and it's your fault, right? You're holding up the entire line and the person behind you, if he doesn't say anything, it's his fault. And if the person behind him doesn't say anything, it's his fault. It's everyone's fault but mine.

And I'm going to go, I'm gonna eat your lunch. So everyone in line is responsible for the actions of one person. In that case, yes. Do you walk right up from the back? Oh yeah. I just walk right up.

I'm surprised you haven't started a problem with this behavior. No. I really am. You know why? Because these same knuckleheads who are not paying attention aren't going to be calling me out.

They're not even calling the person in front out. Well, it just takes one. What? One guy who walked out of the airport bar and sees a guy cutting the line. Well, if you're in the airport bar, you're already through security, so it doesn't matter. Oh, that's true. Yeah, it's not going to happen. When I said airport bar, I meant to sidewalk. Yeah. Yeah, um, yeah, these, uh, these lines, these lines are, these lines are bad. And also,

also, uh, cues with cars. Like if a car is trying to get out, like if there's a big line for an exit, I almost always skip ahead, right? And there's some dipshit not paying attention, texting. Yeah. Dick, Masterson, you. Texting. In a line? Oh, yeah. Buddy, I'm the zipper master. You never let one second go through with zip, zip, zip one and after the other.

You're fucking up the process. No. Guys like you are cramming, like usual, your aggressive driving is hurting everyone. No, it's hurting no one. Here's the thing. If I cut into a line, it's always because there is slack in that line, right?

If I come up to the, and sometimes it's backfires, like I'd say 20% of the time this backfires. But I'll drive up, you know, to pull my asshole move and I just like, you know, jut in where some idiot's not paying attention. And sometimes there won't be that slack because it's all bumper to bumper and everyone's driving efficiently and everyone's paying attention.

I'll say, oh, good for you. I'll just take the next exit. I'll go 10 minutes out of my way. Yeah. You know, that's on me. That's my fault. That's when society is doing it right and I deserve what I got.

I don't try to jut myself in when the line is efficient. I only do it. when it's inefficient, and I'm the person making it efficient. I expect people, you know what, I would like once, for once in my life, when I cut in front of someone in line, for them to turn around and say thank you. Yeah. I'm sure this, I'm sure you think that a lot, though.

I do. You want people to thank you for things that you're doing that are extremely rude. It's not rude. What's rude is you're holding up the society. You're holding up everyone. People have shit to do. And it's a teaching moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, Sean.

Sean, 90% of what I do in life is a teaching moment. I feel like I'm teaching people. What's the other 10%? Just for me, baby. It sounds a bit like a child, though. Complaining about lines. No. Like, people are, what, waiting too long in lines.

I took my nephews in town for Thanksgiving last weekend or last week. And he really wanted to go to in and out. He's three years old. He really wanted to go to in and out. Of course, at In and Out, the popular fast food restaurant in California, that's only in California, there's always a line because it's very good. And everyone's okay with that, but the whole time we were waiting in line, he's complaining about it.

Saying, hey, cars move forward, cars move forward. Why won't all these cars move forward? And we have to explain to him about lines. Now I feel like I'm in the same position. Mm-hmm. Were you telling your nephew that, sorry, some people are idiots, and they're not paying attention, and that's why there's delays.

What's it going to cost you, though? Like a couple's ten seconds here and there? It could be an hour or two. Somebody's on their phone for an hour while the kiosk is up there empty? A couple seconds. Man, I tell you what, I would have missed, I would have missed so many flights

if I didn't cut lines. Like, I remember one time I was in, oh shit, where was I? I think I was in Hungary trying to get to Greece, right? And I walk up and it's just... Oh no, live in the high life. There were... Setting Maddox.

There were... Loaded up with plastic explosives and Hungary. What the fuck's your problem? So I was trying to get to Greece and I walk up to the terminal and I see like just this enclave, It just looked like a tour group from Egypt. Uh-huh.

And no one spoke English. English is the international language, people. Like, just speak it. Okay. Just learn English. You got to learn English. Okay. You just have to.

I can't believe you're one of those guys. Yeah. I don't think that you should. I don't think that you should. It's like definitely beneficial. It's an advantage. I think the two languages everyone should learn is English and Chinese. Because Chinese is going to be the next superpower.

So. Why should everyone learn Chinese? Because we're going to be doing a lot of business with China. And we already are. were you're gonna be doing business with china yeah i already have i already have did you need to speak mandarin to do it no but it helps a lot if you speak any mandarin chinese people by by and far are the most grateful appreciative people when you speak a little bit of their language it goes so far can you give us a little bit of mandarin what did you say to them sure niama yes yeah and they're like oh maddox

you filled our minds with such a kindness because you tried to speak our language we'll do Well, you laugh, but it really goes a long way. I remember even in the back of a taxi cab, one time I was traveling somewhere, and I met this Chinese dude, and he was really feeling homesick, and I just spoke a few words of Chinese to him, and his face lit up. He was so happy. It really means a lot. Well, don't learn Spanish, because that won't help you get a ride to the gun range.

Then Maddox took him to a Panda Express. Oh, Sean. No, but I had a Chinese friend one time, straight from China. came over and was really offended when she saw Panda Express. Why? Because she said, how dare they? They can't use a panda on that. I said, why not?

She goes, that's China's animal. I'm like, well, welcome to America. What? She was really pissed off. All three of them? What? The pandas? Yeah, they got a bunch.

They're on the rebound, I think. Are they? Yeah, I think so. They're not, I mean, they're not doing great. They're not doing, they're not, we're not back up to the American buffalo number, American bison, which is rebounded because we started eating them. Dude, we start eating pandas? You know, a lot of those are hybrids, though.

A lot of them are crossbred with domestic cattle. What, the bison? Yeah, there's not nearly as many bison as you think. We've got electric buffalo here? What's that? We got hybrid buffaloes here? Yes, we do. They're doing that shit in China.

Well, I do think it's like a problem for three-year-olds who don't understand that lines are kind of a necessity. lines are only a necessity when everyone is efficient and everyone's doing their part Would you have a problem with being able to pay to skip the line? Or is it only...

Oh, you would? I absolutely would. So you can skip the line with impunity but if I got to slap down 20 bucks to skip the line, that's a problem. Yeah. Okay. Do you don't see a problem with that?

No, because then you're just creating an underclass system. And people... The only time I think that people should skip lines again is if everyone's being inconsiderate in that line. If everyone's being inconsiderate, why shouldn't I be inconsiderate back to them and just cut in front of them? Because they're fucking

around anyway. I remember one time I cut a line. This is how you get stabbed. No, I cut a line. Go ahead. I cut a line one time. And I said, because I saw someone at the front texting, right? This chick texting. About how he really wants to stab somebody. No, I do the, I saw this chick texting

in the front of the line, right? I went up to the kiosk. I checked in, got my boarding pass, turned around, picked up my bag, and looked at her, and she's still texting. I'm like, fuck you, bitch. I did my part. This is exactly why I exist. People like me exist to take advantage of the slack

that these dipshits are creating. It's inefficiency and I hate it. Yeah, I dated a girl who would throw a literal tantrum if there was a line. Yeah? Like stomping her feet. Lines are bad. It was a girl version of this, I guess, I don't know. It was difficult. Sounds as sexy as shit.

Well, she was that. Yeah. Ah-ha. That's me. All right. And I'll just end on this note. I sometimes appreciate the aesthetic of a line. Do you ever keep lines at your book signings? I imagine you wouldn't. It's just a huge mob of people wanting you to sign their book, right?

No, actually, there are lines at my book signs. Oh, dear. You know what, though? I tell... What if somebody cut in that line? Would you send them back? Would you just sign their book? Yeah, I'd probably send them back.

Because there's no... You don't ignore that behavior. Because that would fuck up the system, right? Because there's no inefficiency in my line, fucko. All my fans are smart. They're reading my book. They're waiting in line. There's no slack in that line.

What if they're reading the book? book? How could they stop reading the book? And they're in line. They're sitting there with nothing to do, and they have that tempting tome in front of them. They do. They read the book, but they're also looking up. They're constantly glancing, glancing, glancing. Those are my fans. Smart people. I thought I had you on that one. All right. All right. Let's wrap it up. All right, man. My problems this week were superhero obsession and lines.

My problems are human driving directions and not enough organ donors. Vote up lines. Oh, God, I've got something funny here. So weird McConaughey called in a lot of times and I've tracked his I've tracked his progression one night from a sober individual into the weird

McConaughey that we all know and love okay so you want to hear that so here's here's weird here's McConaughey at 1045 in the evening all right all right addicts I just listen to your story about your dad that's pretty awesome

why the fuck do not have your dad on the biggest problem coherent you can bring a problem in Pretty coherent. You could tell stories. Yeah. It'd be hilarious. You got an idea.

And proof. That the idea is good. Yeah. Some fucking hooker stories. Uh-oh. All the good stuff. Starting to get weird. Yeah.

Okay. I mean, a lot of people have asked me about having my dad on the show. I can't guys. They're all trying to fuck you. Trust me. Now, my dad's deaf. Otherwise, I totally have him. He's basically deaf.

Yeah. Does he do sign language? No, he doesn't. It's actually a word. impairment. He's a disabled veteran from fighting in Korea. Oh, he can still do sign language, so? He's like 80% deaf. He doesn't know sign language, no.

Does he compose sonatas, like Beethoven? No, no, he doesn't. But it's very difficult to talk to him on the phone. Sacrifice for this country. Here, here, I find dads in general are tough to talk to on the phone. Yeah. You know? I don't know. Okay, here's Weird McConaughey

30 minutes later. Maddox. After that story, I don't know how your mom doesn't give your dad blow drops every day. He was doing lines of something. Here's him 30 minutes later, 1145. Hey, Maddox, I know how you don't end to diet. It's because you eat a shit.

You shit eater. Here's the final one. 30 minutes after that, 1215. And that's our time, too. This might be 3.15 years. Hey, guys. I think. I think.

Hold on. I'll hear it call back. And he never did. Okay. Oh, man. I take everything back about having smart fans.