The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 86

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from financial ruts to deez nuts with over 5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what shooter shouldn't be on the big list of problems like Maddox with me as dick. Hey, what's up, buddy?

And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, guys. That's a good one. Yeah. Oh, wow, we have made history in the bonus episode for this week. Maddox read not only one,

but two. Two apologies. Two apologies. That's right. One of them was totally horse shit. Yours. Written by... No.

One of them was written by a New York Time bestselling author. Mm-hmm. A very handsome man of great stature, big penis. That was the other one. Doesn't wear pants or panties. I don't know why you'd specify doesn't wear panties. Some people wear panties. Not me.

Chicks. Yeah, chicks wear pants. A little girls. Yeah, no types of pants, no types of pants being worn. Or panties. One of them, just a real great guy. And the other one. Also doesn't wear panties?

We don't know. We don't know. Let's go through who's on the show who doesn't, does not wear panties. Randy, you got some panties on today? Why are we talking about wearing panties? We have our manager, Candy Randy in studio. Handy Randy. Handy Randy.

Handy Randy. Handy Randy. Ah, yeah, Handy Randy Randy. Sean, you got panties on over there? We don't know. Is that some kind of audio engineering trick? Yeah. Oh, okay.

That makes sense. Yeah, he seems like a silk panty kind of guy. Yeah, so anyway, two apologies were read because of the Apple fiasco last episode. You know, we don't want to give away any spoilers. We don't know. I think we passed. Yeah, we don't want to spoil our bonus episode of who won the Apple debate, but we will spoil the fuck out of Star Wars. Oh, yeah.

There's too much at stake with the bonus episodes. No, that's our $2. Yeah. Your enjoyment of Star Wars, fuck it. I got a lot of hate about Star Wars, too, by the way. A lot on both sides. A lot on both sides. A lot of people agreed with me. Oh, okay, good.

Well, we'll get to that in just a second, but first we've got to get to the biggest problem in the universe from last week. Was filter bubbles. Yeah, that's a big problem, man. Trumped everything else. And then, followed by concussions. Yeah? And then envy and jealousy. And then spending too much on Christmas gifts.

everything in the positive territory but Dead Last was spending too much on Christmas gifts Well that's all right envy and jealous I wish you would have split those up though Envi and jealousy And I'll tell you why Because I would like all the sins to be brought in at some point You know gluttony

The seven deadly sins Yeah the ones that make you go to hell Gluttony sloth What's greed What's the other one? I'm sure there's another one Is there? Maybe it makes like just six There's gotta be one Rage oh that's a

That's a sin? What? Yeah, the... God does it all the time. When I started doing research about envy, I saw so many different articles talking about jealousy, and a lot of this comes from the Seven Deadly Sins and ancient texts,

like, texts that monks used as guidelines for their lives. And they talked about envy and jealousy and kind of like the same type of, they're related, they're related problems. That's why I brought them in together. Sorry, it's so different, though. It's wrath, I believe, actually. Oh, wrath.

That's totally different than rage. Wrath is fun, though. Yeah. Okay. Well, so, okay, Dick, we got a shit ton of voicemail about Star Wars. Let's see, hear these nerds bitch. Oh, okay. Yeah, hey, Dick.

The reason Ray in the film actually knew how to use the lightsaber was because she was trained. That's why when she touches the lightsaber, there's flashbacks to the massacre that Kylo Run committed at the academy. What? It definitely wasn't her first time. It was her first time using in the wild. But repeatedly throughout the movie, you saw Han Solo pick up for the first time, Chewy's bowcaster. And he would reference how powerful it was. Yeah, like six times.

It was actually a reference to when he actually, or when Chewy actually shot Kylo Ren. It was supposed to imply that it was a serious injury. It was like nails on a chocolate. Also when Finn, the Stormtrooper was fighting Kylo was fighting Kylo before Ray was in the forest, He also hit him, I think it was twice, in the shoulder with the saber. So Kylo was not only extremely, extremely wounded, but the fight was pretty one-sided. I mean, she wasn't kicking his ass or anything. She was backing away slowly blocking his advances, and he was advancing quickly.

Was he hitting on her? So, I mean, you may have just been blinded by your usual rage, but. Hey, girl? You may have blinded by my rage. We're pretty easy to skip over, but still. If you think the Force Awakens was good, that's your side. That guy's on your side. No.

It wasn't good. Guys, I thought the movie was just okay, six out of ten, and this shit annoys the shit out of me. Shut up. No one cares. I saw this huge fucking article defending Star Wars and how the character is not Mary Sue or whatever from this nerd saying that Chewy's light saber or laser beam crossbow fucking bullshit. Crossbow, yeah. It was so powerful. So powerful.

He went on for two paragraphs describing how powerful this crossbow was. I'll tell you why. As justification for why Ray was able to beat Kylo Ren because, oh, he got hit by this, essentially a laser torpedo. But then, so the justification is that the bad guy was very weak? Yeah. Like, then why? He was injured. Then why am I afraid of this at all?

Yeah. Like, why take a bad guy? and just, like, it was like, remember that Rocky remake when Rocky was so old that he fought that young, that new, young, up-and-coming guy, and like the Rocky, like, I don't know, what is it, six? Like, five or six, yeah. Five, yeah. When the guy breaks his hand, like, coming out in the first round, so it's an old-ass, 60-year-old Rocky fighting basically a one-armed guy.

Yeah. Like, what kind of perverse movie am I watching here? Right. An old man fighting a cripple? That, why don't you just, why don't you show me that movie? Rocky comes out of retirement to fight a trash-talking man with one arm, which is basically what that fight was. Yeah, what's that trope called?

Is it Deus X. Makina, where they have the contrived. No, you know what I'm talking about? Like the contrived plot element, like, oh, well, now you can solve this problem because the bad guy's weakened. I don't know. Here's another guy who's commenting on me not liking Star Wars. Did go fucking tell. I think. I assume that's what he was talking about.

Could be just being general. All right. Is that enough about Star Wars? Oh, yeah, please. Yeah, I don't care about it anymore. So, Dick, I have a lot of packages. I've got more voicemails if you want to hear those first. Let's get to the voicemails, then we'll get to the packages.

Okay. Here's one. You remember that prank email we got about the cancer? Yeah. From last week? Well, a couple more pranksters called in. Let's hear these pranksters. Hey, guys.

My name is Wendy. This is how I talk. I just wanted to share with you a very true story. It's not even famous. About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with butt cancer, that's cancer of the butt. And wasn't looking too good. Recently, I started to listen to her podcast, and my doctors say that my butt cancer,

that's cancer of the butt, of course, is in remission. So, more jokes. You know, your podcast, here my cancer. That's a true story. Just wanted to share that with you. Great. And, hey, Dick. Oh.

Cancer got him. Cancer got up with him finally. Fuck that guy. Yeah, what an asshole. So she didn't go over a sincere. I thought that email was sincere last week. Oh, we had an email. We had an email.

We had an email. And then this guy just making a mockery of our sincere fans gesture of saying that she found reprieve in the show while she was going through cancer therapy. And he used cancer. He didn't draw a parallel with anything else. No. Okay. Not clever. I think he's actually real.

Okay. Hello? This is the Maddox sticks messerson show? Yeah. I just wanted to know that. I know you guys get a lot of silly pranks on the show, but I just wanted to call on thank you guys. Since like a year ago, when I started listening to the show,

I got diagnosed with cancer and my dick, and the doctor said it couldn't jerk off anymore. And he said you might have to chop my dick off. But after listening to your show and laughing and crying and jerking off, my cancer and my cock went into remission. So I just wanted to thank you guys again for talking. fucking dickhead. And to let you know

that much you know how many people in the world get cancer and he's crying he's overcome so I hope

you guys have a nice day and a happy New Year to the show and stuff painful listening to a man cry

and thank you dicks masters and thank you John and thank you mysterious Coke Ball okay

I think the man's are getting to him at the end here what a stupid It's beautiful. Listen, if you were going to make a graph and like make an Excel spreadsheet in your life with all the things that you did and then a little, a time amount, right? A time column. Some non-zero amount for that guy is going to be called into a podcast to tell them about my dick cancer going into remission. Yeah, I'll tell you exactly what the non-zero amount is. A minute, seven seconds.

So one minute and seven seconds of his life was spent calling in a podcast to talk about his imaginary dick cancer. What a fucking... One more imaginary cancer. Nathan Jones, I'm so glad you can see right through these chumps who wanted you to read their sob cancer stories. That gimmick occurred to me. I almost tried it. I was going to make up some story about how the chemo drugs required six days of hospitalization.

In my case, my treatment started Sunday, meaning your show dropped midway through the stay. For me, it was something to look forward to when you have been stuck in the same room for three days. That's illegal. Probably didn't happen. Though I was motivated enough to make this fake oncology report with the names of oncologies.

He went all the way through making a fake oncology report with doctors you could look up with fabricated backgrounds. That or I... And even found a picture with a pelvis removed to match up with the oncology report.

Here's a picture of his cancer's pelvis. Get it? It's an x-ray of a penis. Right? I don't see any penis in there. Where's the penis? It's x-rayed. You have to use your imagination. That's why it's a prank.

Yeah, it's a third. It's like a third beat of a prank here. It looks like I see some tumors there, guy. You might want to actually get this check. This is not him, actually, right? No, well, this is all this big fake cancer thing he was saying that he was going to do by making up fake oncology reports and being in the hospital for six days. But then he did.

It's like, hey, hey, guys, I was going to shave my head as a prank. And then I shaved my head. It's like, well, so you did it. Well, he says he got cancer around the same time as the biggest problem came out. Is this real? I don't even know what's real. It's not real. None of this is real. It's all things just people made up to get their names read on this show.

Bunch assholes. Nathan Jones and making fake x-rays of their weaners. So we'll look at it and then he goes, ha, ha, ha, you guys looked at my dick. Ah, great. See, I told you the top of the show. From financial ruts to these nuts. Yeah. Big problem. Well, there you go.

What do you got? That's all of my fake cancer stories. Dick, I got a lot of packages from fans over the Christmas break. However, this is our post, it's been post Christmas now, right? We're in the new year. And I didn't get a call. I usually get a call from my package lady. She's a nice Korean lady.

She calls me, hey, hey, Maddox, come out, you got a package. Oh, that's offensive. Okay. That's a racist. Okay, just off the record, she does sound like that. Anyway. Yeah, why cut it then? That's not racist.

Anyway, she calls me up all the time. and tells me to come down and pick up my packages. She called me after the break. They're very busy before the holidays. Yeah. Well, I go down there, you know, a few days after Christmas, thinking I'm going to get like an envelope, you know, a letter or something. And there's this pile of boxes waiting for me.

And she goes, don't you want your packages? And I said, yeah, of course I do. But you usually call me and you didn't this time until after. Is that on you? No, I'm going to blame it on her. I never check anything, man. I never check anything. Anyway, so I have a song.

to open up all these packages. I have a song here to play during these there you go. Very, very appropriate. Very sure. Theme appropriate song. Is it royalty free? Yeah. Pause. A little bit of a pause there, Randy. I didn't know what you were talking about. Yeah, the song's fine. This first package is from Candace.

Candice, I first, she's a fan actually from Twitch from a long time ago and she listens to the podcast now. And she sent us card on the card is a bunch of what are these World of Warcraft characters I'm not even No those are just monsters No they're actual characters from some

Oh it's a blizzard Yeah it's a blizzard they're blizzard characters Okay because on the back it also says Blizzard entertainment Cool The card says happiness is always remembering Even the naughty can play nice And then that's the card

And then she wrote Merry Christmas assholes Enjoy the cookies There's a special gingerbread man for Dick So make sure he gets that Oh does it have a little tiny face on it I don't know, Dick. I don't know. Does it have a little gingerbread man face with a frowny face? Let's not spoil it.

Oh, boy, I can't wait for this fucking hilarious joke. She says, thanks for the great episodes, X, X, X, Candice, go fuck yourselves. Let's see, we got a little box here. It says not hot sauce on the side as well. So open however you'd like. Okay. So thankfully, it's not a drippy box of hot sauce. Courtesy of But Sanchez and Norsecox.

We have in this. We have a bunch of cookies. Oh. They're really well-done cookies. Look at this thing. That would have been really nice and festive to get over the holidays. You should tell your, tell your Korean... A Korean package lady.

Yeah, tell Kim Jong incompetent over there. What? He's Korean? Yeah. Yeah, barely. All right. We got all these cookies. We have little boxing gloves. They look like mitts, but I'm going to say they're boxing gloves, right?

Yeah, they're boxing gloves. They're boxing gloves. Right? Little boxing gloves? Some Christmas boxing gloves. We got a stocking here. It says one for Dick. There's one for Sean.

There's one for me. There's one for Asteroos even. Boister has got one. And all these cookies. We got a gingerbread man. Here's one. It looks like... Oh, is that mine?

No. Looks great. Looks totally normal and fine. I don't think so. Here's another one. Is this one Dix? No. No, it looks fine.

That one probably is for me. There's one here that says Dick on it. Let's see. God damn it. Tini, tiny little face. God, damn it. Those are really precious. Really precious eyes you got there.

Well, thanks a lot, Candice. Yeah, and then we have, oh man, you really went all out, Candice. We got a little candy cane in here. Yeah. Like a Candice cane? No, okay. Anyway, thank you, Candice. Awesome, we'll be eating those.

And I'll post pictures on the website. Next package came with a letter. This one is from Logan. He says, To Maddox, thanks for the years of content. Best Page in the Universe helped me realize from a young age that there is a lot of dumb shit out there. And to watch the fuck out for it. Yeah. The podcast has made Tuesday cool for the first time ever,

and is probably the only media that makes me actually laugh out loud. For you, I give a t-shirt of the only film you have ever provided a written review for. Let's see, what's the T-shirt? Mad Max. Mad Max, is it? No, it's Iron Maiden. No, that's the Doof Guy on Mad Max. It's a Warrior.

It's an Iron Maiden parody of the, yeah, the Doof Guy from, oh, wow, that's pretty badass, man. Thanks. And he says, Fireball Whiskey. We got some Fireball in there? And a kick-ass comic with ridiculous art and Polaroid from the Dogma Continuity Books used while filming of George Carlin dressed as a cardinal and covered in blood. Oh, what? I have no idea what that is.

I figured you might be a fan of his, long-lived, the best page, and biggest problem in the universe, Logan. You got some airport bottles of whiskey. Wow, I got a couple bottles of whiskey. Dude, I'll put this in my coffee. Can you me? And you got a... Is that the George Carlin blood thing? Oh, my God.

This is the goriest fucking thing I've ever seen. Look at the cover of this thing. It's pretty cool. Yeah, it's this giant demon holding. What is he holding? Something in a headlock and there's like nipples on the cover. I have no idea what I'm looking at. This is amazing.

This is what he wrote me. To Dick, here are some gifts for the American man who just wants the essentials. That's true. Clothing, booze, a lady in small government. A badass shirt and a patch with very clear messages about which side of the line you stand. Is that what is this? Oh, a patch that says don't tread on me with a snake on it. You guys, and a shirt that says, I'll keep my guns, money, and freedom. You can keep the change. Yes, that's right. That's a reference to Obama for those of you who didn't catch the subtlety of this t-shirt with an American, with a bald eagle on it. Yeah, very, yeah. I'll wear the shit out of that.

Very libertarian. Very small government. Real whiskey. A handy portable magnifying glass to find your preferred size of government. I'm going to need a bigger magnifying glass than this to find my preferred size of government. I want a government so small you can barely see it. Or your face while you're shaving. Fuck you.

Also, a genuine Polaroid photo of Salma Hayek in her prime. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, that's a real Polaroid? That's a real Polaroid of Salma Hyac. looking at the camera like she wants you. And she's got one of those Indian dots on her head. All right. Or is that part of the photo?

I can't tell. I don't care. I'll take it. It looks like she isn't. Wow, that's great. Where's my Polaroid? This is a good thing about Polaroids. I know that no one else has this picture.

Yeah. That's authentic. And Polaroid's gone. And it says the number 32 underneath it. No, you can still get Polaroid, but it's expensive. Oh, that's cool. looking longingly into your eyes to use however you please. Masturbate.

Mary Dixmish, Logan. I think that implies masturbation. Yeah, I have here, look at this, I'm looking at this art book that he sent me. It's fucking amazing. This artwork is so crazy and detailed. There's a picture in here of a knight in shining armor with his horse motorboating a girl with her boobs out, and the horse is coming all over the floor. Oh, it is.

Kind of a small shrively horse stick, though. It's hilarious. I don't like that. And then there's another one in here with a guy who has a giant boner with a girl who's like literally impaled on it and says, Gaggagga. Yeah, she's dead. It's coming out of her mouth.

And he's also spearing his own asshole with some kind of a baton. Oh, my, this artwork is insane. Disgusting. It looks like it's all done with marker. No bullshit. I'm going to put this don't. tread on me patch on my AR-15 case. I've got one other patch on that from the American laser,

that laser shooting down plane, the Boeing YAL-YAL-Y-A-L-1. I'm sure. I got the, oh wow, I got the Polaroid of George Carlin. Oh, that's the one you're talking about. Yeah, he's covered in, like, looks like bloodshot? What, what, what? That's from Dogma. Oh, I never saw Dogma. That's the, uh, the clerk movie, the, what's his name? Kevin Smith movie? Yeah, he introduces the Buddy Christ. You know, you know, that's right.

To hit Jesus up a little bit. All right, Sean, read your letter. All right. To Sean, didn't really know what to give you, so here's my prized Tommy Lissorda, mint in box, Garden Gnome. No, that's called. Tommy Lassorda being the Dodgers manager

back when they were actually winning World Series. This is actually fucking cool. Pretty great, right? Also, a music notation book for your masterpiece. Thanks for all your wise-ass remarks, one-liners and shitting on Dick and Maddox. Oh, and for all the sound engineering stuff too. Oh, man, music book,

this is like the worst gift you could ever give Sean. He'll kill himself before he finishes completing this music book. Please bring in a problem, man. Don't put the problems on a pedestal. All the fans want it so bad. We're bringing that problem in next week, Dick. Putting the problem on a pedestal? Problems on a pedestal.

Well, it was like perfectionism. Yeah. Why don't you bring in a problem in like the 100th episode or something? That might happen. Logan, thanks a lot, man. This is really cool. And you have some whiskey here? We got some Jameson.

No, that's for me. That's for me. That's for me. All the whiskey's for me. Guys, for the record, I appreciate Jameson, too. Just saying. Jameson's a delicious whiskey. But do you need it to live?

Look. That's what the real question is. Look, I like Fireball. Yeah. Okay, and what else we have here? We have a letter. This is from... Is there a name on this, Randy?

It just looks like a... Oh, is this... Oh, okay, this is the next package. Here, we have here. It says it's from a fan. Maddox, thank you for doing your show. I love listening to you and Dick talk about different topics. I don't always agree with them. You too bring a realism to entertainment that the world desperately

needs, and your show is one of the very few things I have to look forward to every week. So once again, thank you both and Sean for doing such a great job. Keep up the good work. And curing all this cancer, too. Apparently. There are two sets of packages inside. Please give Dick his as soon as you can. One of his may be a good source of inspiration for him. I don't know if you're opening presents on the show again, but if this makes it, if this makes it in time, I thought it would be cool to hear you opening these on the podcast. Not sure how you guys are doing that, but I intend to, for these to get to you before, you recorded Friday the 18th.

There's a package in there. You succeeded. What was that guy's name? It just says a fan. Yeah, well, an act of God. An act of God. God in the way. He did send it to us before Friday the 18th,

and I have a package here. It says open first on it. Go ahead. It's a green. It looks like a canister of some type. What if it's just like a Zyclan B canister? The show would get real heavy, real, It's a commemorative?

Okay, it says here, super high protein powder. Good, good, good, good, good. 24 grams of protein. It's got a cyclist on it because cyclists need a lot of protein, Dick. What are you giving it to me for? I think that's yours. No, that's... Oh, you got a bunch of...

Okay, cool. Give it here. Cyclists, it must be mine. Oh, what does it say? For you, for your next leg day, it must be you, Dick. What? No, $3.99. There's a manager's special.

He left the price on it. It says manager's special, $3.99. best. Thanks. It's for your clearance protein. So there's what, there's no, there's no who's is who's? Are those all Maddox's? Okay, go ahead, open all your presents. This one says open second.

Wow. A real, real strict present opening this guy. Well, he planned ahead. Or this fan, who knows? It could be a man or a woman. Yeah, could be, well, judging on this, based on this rapper, maybe, well, okay, here we go. It's a condom, sex toy condom. Sex toys try me, buy me.

It's how to hit the spot. And it looks like a dilt. It's a pink dildo? It's got a note on the side. Yeah, okay, let's see. The note here says, better not be for me. Next time, just use this to literally fuck yourself

if you ever want to talk about a libertarian theory again rather than wait for votes. Fuck you. You don't fuck you. This is bullshit. This is the shittiest Christmas gift I've ever gotten. Christmas is ruined.

Yeah. All right. Third gift. Open third. It says. See another hilarious gag joke you sent me more dealdos to fuck myself with. Yeah. There's a price tag on this one too.

Yeah, you know, you should leave the price tag. It's a high vacuum penis pump. I guarantee you will use that thing. Free cockering included. Yeah, so what if I will? I'll use it right now. Oh, wow. Please wait.

It says here, there's a note on the side. It says, try using this next time. before you bring another limp dick problem on the show like monkeys, expensive steaks or fries. You know what fuck? This is not a gift. These are not gifts. Yeah, they're not. They're pranks. I don't want to open mine now. Can I just send mine back? With a, in a big fuck you box? Yeah. Return to sender. Dick, open these whenever you want. They're your property now so you can do whatever the fuck you want with them. I'm remaining anonymous at the moment, but I have left a secret clue in here that only the sender could know about. And I will reveal myself in the... What is it? The fuck you want.

fucking Riddler? Yeah. I'll reveal myself when the time is right. Who are you, Bain? When in the time, do you write? Open first. He's like the Riddler.

And it's not even, he didn't even write open first, he like printed it out. I'm surprised he didn't go magazine letter posting's like a ransom note. Creepy. If you care about Gotham. You'll open this first.

You'll open this cockpump first, Batman. This is the Raid Redemption. on Blu-Rae. Oh, man, I love that movie. Why don't you send that to me, Dickhead? I haven't seen this either. And I love Dredd, so I will love this. No, that's way better than Dread.

Dred's a rip-off of that movie. You know what you're saying? You know what you're saying? I get dildos and Dick gets one of the best movies ever made. That's the free market in action. Dick didn't bring in libertarianism as a problem. Yeah, you pissed off libertarians, Maddox. Great.

What was the second one? Oh, wow, another cool. Oh, the Raid 2. Oh, man, I haven't even seen the race hits. This is bullshit. Did you send this? Did you send this to yourself? Are you fucking with me?

Look, if the time was right, I would reveal myself that I did, but I didn't. I don't, I wrap presents much better than this. Open third. This has got to be a girl. This is a girl who sent these in because these presents are very delicate. Oh, man. Oh, there's a hat in there. A Obama's last day countdown hat.

One, 2017. Obama says Obama's last. day on it. Oh, great. Oh, yeah. Awesome. You can wear that on your tractor when you go fuck yourself with it. Cool, man. Cool. Cool. Yeah, I'm gonna count down. Brad. You should wear that how while you take your centrum.

What? Why? It's such an old dad type thing, you know? Like a real staunch, old GOP guy would be wearing that kind of hat. Stupid. I think it's cool. Yeah. All right, is this the last person for me? This is a t-shirt that says feminism, the radical notion that women are people.

A lot of truth to that. You know what? I think that... Oh, is this... This fell out of that? Okay, this is... Dick, when I saw this shirt on Facebook, the first thing that came up in the article was about how some broad was offended. All right. So I clicked the link and began laughing hysterically at the site of the shirt, instantly thinking,

man, I got to get one of these. However, after reading the article below, the picture, I discovered that this is not a joke shirt. and is in fact a sincere feminism t-shirt. Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a sincere feminism t-shirt. People wear this for real? Yeah. Oh.

The reason... It's being sarcastic. The reason... Oh, I get it. Yeah. Okay. Now I get it. The reason the woman was offended can be found in the article I've included in the package.

I'm curious to know if you had the same gutter-hold response when you first saw the t-shirt that I did. From missing something here, to me, it seems like another clear-cut case of women not knowing what they're doing and being confused. Oh my goodness. Wow. Well, I love it. Thank you, mysterious Ridler. Thank you for taking time away from your MRI meeting to send us these packages. Secret gift.

Oh, you're just, why don't you use that cock pump and then see how you feel? I will to fuck his mom. Secret gift. Ron Paul 2008. It's a button for Ron Paul 2008. You know there are libertarians running, too, Dick. What? In this election. Is Gary Henderson running again?

No. Rand Paul. Oh, yeah, but he's not running as a libertarian anymore. Yeah, he is. He's running as a Republican, bro. And I don't think he's running anymore. All right, I got another package here. And he's not nearly as big of a libertarian as his dad was.

Yeah, he's a real tiny libertarian. All of them are. I got a package here from, this was just sent from Amazon. It is, it's just for me, it looks like. It's, let's see, here. Oh, there's a note involved inside. There's a Chris note from. It's Chris Rodriguez.

He says, Hey, Maddox, this is the first volume. Hope you enjoy it from Chris. And it's the illustrated, the graphic novel, Transmetropolitan. You know, I've heard a lot, a lot of people have recommended this to me. They say that the main character in this graphic novel is very similar to me. He's kind of, yeah? He's kind of misanthropic. Hmm?

He likes soup. Soup and sand. He looks real cool. I don't like sand, idiot. He does look like he likes soup a lot, though. Thank you, Chris. I'll give it a shot. Awesome. Cool.

Is that it? Handy, Randy. Do we have any more packages? That's it? All right. Guys, thank you so much. Thank you, Candice, for the cookies. Thank you, Logan.

Thank you to the anonymous. No, go fuck yourself to the anonymous fan. No, thank you very much to the anonymous guy. Eat shit. I hope the time is right is soon, but not too soon. Yeah, for you to reveal yourself. The nerdy bane of fans. I bet it's you dick.

You sent yourself all this shit. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. I don't buy Blue. Blue rays, I pirate everything. I wouldn't even do it for a joke. Yeah.

All right. You got a problem, Dick? Yeah, sure. So I was going to bring in... I was going to bring in cold and flu deniers. You know those people who... They get sick. They're obviously sick.

And you say, oh, what are you sick? Over there? You're coming down with something? I'm saying? No, no, I'm not. It's... Yeah, it's just today. It's allergies. It's something. Because it's so fucking annoying.

And then they expose you. And they act like someone who's not infected. Yeah. You know? Right. And you're like, well, what am I going to have a big argument with this asshole about that he's obviously sick? Like, why? What do you mean you're not sick?

You're obviously sick. You know what it is, Dick? It's the exact same phenomenon when you call someone and wake them up and you say, hey, did I wake you? They go, no, no, no, no. I was awake. I've been awake for hours. I've been awake for days. I've never slept in my life.

I'm always awake. How dare you think that you caught me. at three in the morning sleeping. What are you suggesting? No, no, of course not. I'm not sleeping. It's the same people. It's what you're everyone.

I think we all do this. Yeah, but they're saying that so you don't feel bad. I know. But you know that lying. Is that why, though? Yes. No. They don't want you to feel like an asshole

because you did wake them. Well, I'm not going to say that's for everyone. But when people call me and I pretend, because it's the same thing about pretending I'm not drunk. Like, if someone's just like, are you drunk? I'm like, no. What do you mean? Of course not.

What do you want me to do some math for you? No, you mean to walk a line for you? It's like, it's the same feeling. I just don't want to get caught doing something. I think that's a little bit different not being drunk because it's also because people think you're being an asshole when they ask you if you're drunk. Really? I think that's a little presumptuous of you.

Yeah. No, it's not. It's exactly that's the reason. But Sean, that's absolutely right. And you know what? It's kind of inconsiderate to ask if you just woke someone. one up because you don't want to hear the answer. They don't want to tell you the answer.

You're just trying to hear what you, you're trying to hear that bullshit excuse that they weren't sleeping. So then they, so then they feel good about themselves like, oh, okay, it's okay. Because, no, I feel like I got them on something. Like, if I call somebody and they sound sleepy, I'm like, aha, I got you, you son of a bitch, were you sleeping? And they know, I think I got them. That's why they lie their way out of it.

Well, I stopped lying, and I started telling people, I was like, yeah, I was lying down. and then it gets really awkward on the other end. They're like, oh, do you want me to call you back? I'm like, obviously not shithead. I'm already awake. What difference does it make? Also, don't ask.

You know, you know I was. My voice sounds croaky as shit. Anyway, I do the pretending like I'm asleep in case I want to get off the call. Sometimes, like I'll pick up the phone and be like, hey. And I'm like, oh, my God, were you sleeping? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was sleeping. I see you. But if it's somebody I want to talk to, I'll be like, hello?

I'm like, oh, sorry, you're something like, no, no, I'm fine. I just answer the phone like that in case, you know, just to get you off my back for a little bit because I don't want a voicemail or anything like that. All right, good problem, good problem, dick, people. So then I looked into it, and this phenomenon of people being sick and going to work is a huge fucking problem.

Yeah. It's called presenteism. Hmm. I didn't know that. Presenteeism is, listen to this, it's said to cost U.S. companies nearly $180 billion. every year in lost productivity.

Because people go to work, sick, saying that they're not, because they don't want to get caught being sick because then they have to admit that they're human, which is what I think the reason is. Right. They don't have to admit a weakness. Like, no, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm like a person on TV.

I never get sick. Yeah. I don't get sick by magic. What do you mean? What even is sick? Germs? What is that? That probably doesn't exist.

They go to work, they get sick, they can't function, they get everybody else sick and fuck up everyone's day because of it. Right. I looked into this actually, Dick, and it is a huge problem because it turns out that the productivity declines because people aren't able to keep their eyes open

or concentrate or focus on anything. It's something like 80% of the people, or they're 80% less efficient. I read this somewhere. I read that they're working at 60%. Yeah, 60% capacity. And they're not getting as much work done. And that's self-reported.

So I call it. bullshit already. I think a normal person every day is working at about 60%. Right. At their 100%. A lot of percent's flying around. Yeah, I wish I could relate to this problem. I've never been sick. Pop, you riding your face!

Never been sick in my life, never had a sniffle. No? Not a cough. Nothing. Really? Yeah, I just can't relate to this at all. I've been sick. I've been sick for most of this week. Yeah? What? What did you have? I had... It's gross. I had the bug where you've been throwing You throw up for 12 hours and, like, your stomach hurts afterwards, like, for days. Like, you feel like you've been doing, you know, cardio bar.

No, no. Palladi's a really intense leg day with your stomach. Yeah. Okay. Presenteism is what it's called. Exceeds the cost of medical and disability benefits at that scale. $180 billion, which many employers don't recognize as having a negative financial impact with their business.

And how do you stop it? Right? Like, shouldn't everybody know Don't go To work when you're sick? Here's how you stop it, Dick. You stop being an asshole as a boss. You stop making people feel like

They're beholden to you for every fucking thing They have to come into work. You need to start encouraging people To take time off when they're feeling sick. You stop being so skeptical and cynical. So you blame the boss? Absolutely. Because I've been sick

almost Uh-oh, uh-oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. You've been sick? Let me finish this. Let me finish this. Let's not be flip-flopping. I've been sick and tired of these excuses that people give.

You fucking idiot. But I have known coworkers, a friend of mine was sick one time. He really liked soup. On a Friday. Soup makes he feel better. Look, a friend of mine was sick on a Friday one. time and was reluctant to call in sick to work because he knew his fucking asshole boss was going to be skeptical and think that he was just trying to get an extended weekend.

So he came into work. That's paranoia, though. That's paranoia. That's a way paranoia. Because every time, every time someone did calling sick to my work at my last job, everyone was on a Friday, everyone would stand around like, hey, where's so-and-so? Nor's Maddox. I mean, where's Maddox's friend? Maybe you would say, hey, where's my friend, that guy I'm talking about right now. Yeah, that's what I'd say.

That's what I would say. No, dickhead. Yeah. This is a friend of my, a good friend of mine would call him sick on Friday. And we'd all be standing around saying, hey, where's so-and-so? And someone would say, oh, they got an extended weekend. They called in sick. Everyone just immediately assumes if you call in sick, you just wanted a day off.

And by the way, guys, what's a big fucking deal if you're sick or you have a day off? As long as you have a few extra sick days at the end of the year, in case you actually need them, fuck off. man. Well, they combine them anyway. Sick days and personal time off days are like a one big lump, some. Yeah. A lot of the time now.

Yeah. Although, some places are dickheads about it. So if you have two weeks of vacation and a week of sick time, they won't let you take your vacation and your sick time together. It's just these little rules. Yeah, they just are. Where is that?

A lot of places like this. That would be very weird. No. See, if you happen to take a vacation and you become sick on that vacation, which I, again, have no idea what it's like. But if you do, It's rough, Maddox, I'll tell you that. Yeah, and at the end of your vacation, you come home and you realize, oh, shit, I'm sick.

I have the sniffles or whatever that feels like. I don't know what are the symptoms are of a sick. But if you have those symptoms and you actually do have to take time off from work, then people will be skeptical. They'll think, oh, he's just trying to get an extra week of vacation. Just stop being assholes. Let me tell you what the survey says for this presenteism. So the fear, the fear of falling behind. at their work and missing deadlines,

according to this study, its NSF study, was reported by 42% of Americans who come to work sick. That's what they're afraid of. Falling behind on their stupid work. So they're coming to work and basically working a half day,

being miserable, and for sure infecting everyone else. Yeah. Like this is what the viruses want you to do, right? Yeah. Go to, I'm going to stay home, and the virus will go,

no, don't do that. Go to work and spread it to as many people as possible. They're hurting you. That's as selfish as it gets. They're for sure infecting you with the misery that they have. That's what the human condition is to me. Yeah. You know, most people get sick around the holidays because it gets a little bit colder outside.

Your immune system has to work harder. And you're around people. It's colder and gets you together. Right? Get together. Mandatory holiday shifts. Contribute to that guys. Vote up mandatory holiday shifts. That's essentially what this is.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Yeah. That's exactly what this is. A bunch of dickheads forcing it come work when you don't feel like it. You know, Dick, for the first four years of my job, my last job. Telemarketing job. Yeah, at the telemarketing company, the first four years of... I wish we had music to play when you tell telemarketing.

Like an office, like an office call center. Hello, hi, how can I help? Or be an Indian, I guess. Like, oh, hello, how can I help you? We'll work on that. But for the first four years, I worked there. I didn't take a single day off. Not a single day.

Why? Didn't you have any sick days? Work through, no, I didn't. First of all, I didn't need them. I did, I did have vacation days, but I just, it was also one of those things, like I said, if you took any time off, people would think that you were lazy, and they would look down on you, and they would judge you. And it was one of those things where, yeah, it was a work environment that was almost like

a Gestapo. Like, you didn't, you didn't feel like you are. It really sounds very close to the Gestapo. Oh, you had to see it, buddy. Voluntarily coming to work sick. Go ahead, sorry, go ahead. No, the gray walls in this facility. Uh-huh.

It was not the best work environment. I'll say that. Yeah. And you would go to work sick because everyone was judgmental. I never took time off for, like, vacation or anything like that. But they never paid us either. Well, then this was a, I don't know, this wasn't a job. Gestapo.

Yeah, this was some kind of Soviet. Guelag. Prison camp. Yeah. They kick in your door and drag you out of bed sick. Yeah. I remember, actually, when I eventually did go on vacation after my first four years working there, I had to log in remotely through, like, with every, in every country I went to, I had to log in remotely and still do work remotely.

I was always on call. I wish they would teach kids how to respect themselves when it comes to work. Yeah. Like, this mental, this mentality you have that you're always on. applying to work here, like you're not taking vacation days and not taking sick days. Like somebody's got to tell you, hey, this is your life. Don't do that. You know what? I think you hit on something. And I think this mindset starts when you're a kid in school. Oh, it's got to. Because, yeah, if you miss a day, you're under so much pressure from the teachers and your parents

to, oh, you got to make up that work you missed yesterday. And then you get that day's assignment. I always remember that. Maybe it's just me. But I think they kind of pound that into you as a kid. And it carries over like you have to be there so you don't miss something or not be able to get behind in your work yeah i remember that too like feeling not so great and having to argue with my mom that i was too sick to go to school yeah like she sent me i remember very very clearly i think i was in sixth fifth or sixth grade and i was like hey mom i'm not feeling great i don't want to go to school and she's like well nope you got to go you got to go to school uh you know school you can't miss anything you can't they're going to teach you how to spell pineapple today yeah you got to you got to you

got to be there for that. You've got to be there for all these great insights that they're going to have about Maniac McGee in reading. Your whole fucking life's going to be ruined if you missed that. I was like, well, I don't know. I can't stand here in filibuster you all day, Mom. I don't have the resources to do

that. You're the one with the car. I'm just to get... So she dropped me off. I walked about ten steps and threw up all over the place. And I remember turning around and seeing her lights as she just drove away. I was like, well, what the fuck? So I had to go sit for most of the day in the nurse's office,

because I was obviously sick. But you're totally right, Sean. Like, why was it so, why was it such a, why was it so important that I go and not miss out on that day when I was obviously not feeling great? That's a sick mentality. No, because maybe that day, Dick,

they were teaching you indefinite articles. They cover it, they cover it every year. That's how school works. They cover the same shit every year. I get what you're saying. I get the joke. I get what you say. No, man.

I get a joke. Here's the thing. You can call in sick when you're a worker bee. With my job, I had such a unique position. I was wearing a lot of different hands, and nobody in the company knew what I was doing or was capable of replicating it. I was literally the only person.

Your ego, that's how they got you. No, it's, I mean, my ego exists regardless. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. Even if you knew all these things, it's a benefit to them, not to you that you got to show up like that. Well, yeah, of course, yeah. I had all the job security in the world because I did so many things for the company,

and nobody really knew what I was doing. Nobody knew how to replicate it and step in. So there was like, there was nobody who could step into my shoes other than possibly my boss who still didn't fully, he didn't fully understand the technology I was using. He wasn't familiar with it. He was working in a different skill set than I was. He was a really sharp guy, but totally different skill set.

That's why if you're a worker bee, you can call in sick. But if there's no one to fill in, it's like who does Obama call in for a sick day? Biden? Okay. Yeah. Like his whole cabinet. I don't want the president making decisions when he's in the pitch of fever hallucinations. I would like Obama to call in sick. All I'm saying is if your job is so unique

that no one can replace it, no one can fill in for you, you kind of have to do the job no matter what. This is how they get you, though. They get your ego like that by telling you're irreplaceable that you got to show. Anyway, a survey by Staples found that 90% of office workers went to work sick in 2012. Man, that's horrible.

That's a lot. That's horrible. Yeah. That's really got to be changed. Okay, here's where it gets bad. In medicine, during one year, 80% of physicians went to work sick. With an illness, they would have sicklisted one of their own patients for. Physicians.

Yeah, physicians. You know what? Who all have direct contact with people. That's like a virus's wet dream. I don't agree with that, however. With the stat? No, no, I believe the stat, but I don't agree that. they're coming to work with it, right?

But I understand it because as a physician, it's got to make you a little bit cynical because those guys are exposed to all sorts of germs and bacteria. It's got to be like a bacteria trough in their offices, right? With all sorts of sick people coming in, they get sick and they might feel a little cynical and spiteful. They say, you know what, you fuckers made me sick, I'm going to make you sick right back.

And also, they get paid for it too. The opposite of the Hippocratic Oath, do you think they're following. Never do any harm. A physician's first instinct is to do deliberate harm. A little bit. A little bit of delivering arm. You get a cold, you're not going to die other than the 33,000 people who do every year.

But other than that. It's horrible. So I found this study that was kind of interesting. In 2005, they took a nursing home with three nursing home residents, sorry, 100-bed nursing home and like 12 employees. Three residents and one staff member got sick. and the staff member kept coming to work and infecting people

and it took, let's see, it took like a month for it to clear out over the course of the next 10 days because the staff members would not stay home. They kept coming in and infecting people. All 23 residents and 18 staff members developed symptoms of nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, cha-cha-cha-cha. And no matter what they would do

to encourage them to stay home, they would still come into work. because they had to do their jobs. Coming into work, making everybody sick. Old people, too, who could die when they get sick. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

There's a really interesting radio lab episode called Patient Zero, which everyone should listen to right after they listen to this podcast. It's really fascinating about how, I forget, the specific illness that was spread, but it shows how they trace these things to Patient Zero. And they also talked about how they traced Ebola to the group of monkeys, almost the exact group of monkeys they found in Africa where Ebola came from and that theory and AIDS and all these other things. AIDS too. Yeah, AIDS.

There's another AIDS? No, no, not AIDS too. No, no, not AIDS too. Whoa, that was a close one. AIDS the sequel. Just when we cured this one, they got another one coming out. The sequels are always worse. The sequel's going to be all emo and not going to make sense. It's going to have laser shields that don't protect against light speed, even though light speed is the primary mode of travel in the whole galaxy. Yeah. Who cares, guys. It's a fictional...

It can make anything up. It's a world where the force exists with mitochondloreans, and whatever the fuck, contrived bullshit thing they want to say, they'll just say a sentence and it'll justify anything they fucking want. Shut up. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. None of this fucking matters. It's a stupid movie. Get over it. Okay. You got anything else, Dick? Of course, yeah. Food workers. How about that? That's another hazard.

That's a huge one. Yeah. They say, let's see, 51% of food workers who grow in... processed food to cook and serve, said they always or frequently go to work sick. Yeah. How about that? They're touching your food? I mean, I brought this in because a couple nights ago, let's see, it was Sunday night, I was out eating some sushi with my brother-in-law.

I get hit with the most intense, horrible stomach pain and weakness I've ever felt halfway through sushi. I had to go into the bathroom and just lie down. I couldn't take it. Huh. I couldn't move. I didn't want to live anymore. I tried to flush my head down the toilet.

Yeah. I tried to drown myself in the toilet, but it didn't work. That doesn't take a lot of water. Right. And it was a horrible next 12 hours. Yeah. I was, you know, peeing out of my ass, which you don't ever want to be out of. No.

Right? I was throwing up so hard that I got a six-pack. And I think, it was some fucking food worker that must have done it to me. That must have done me wrong. One of these 51% of food workers must have done it. done it to me, right? And I got no sympathy for my fucking family because they're just worried

about the kids getting sick. Of course. Yeah, that's all parents care about is our kids. Kids, kids, kids. Yeah. What are you worried about me for once? Yeah. So I got sequestered up into my own room like the Big Lobowski.

I couldn't leave. I had to text for food, water. Horrible experience. I had a remote control that brought me food whenever I wanted. It was like a real Gestapo situation. And there. Back in my day, I had to yell for my soup. Yeah, I had to use a broom, bang on the ceiling.

Your kids today with your electronic gadgets and your wheel and your fire. Yeah. Nine out of ten. Nine out of ten, well, this is the interesting, this is the cognitive dissonance part, right? Nine out of ten workers polled said they feel responsible for the safety and well-being of their customers, but they still go into work sick. And all these articles are like, well, it's because they're not getting enough. sick days. It's because they're not getting enough money. But then, but everybody does it. Like every single person all up

the chain does it. It's cultural and it's guilt-based, man. I've been to some Norwegian countries and Nordic countries rather, and they don't have this culture. It's not, like culturally it's different. When people are sick, they are encouraged to stay home and they are sent home.

They say their boss comes up to him with a very sympathetic tone and says, hey, you're not feeling too well. Why don't you take the day off? Come back tomorrow when you're feeling little bit better. No one ever fucking does that. Bro, this is another survey. 41% of employers send people home

when they're sick. Like, going into them and saying, you gotta get the... Hey, idiot. Get the fuck out of here. You're sick. You shouldn't get to that point, though. It shouldn't even get to the point where they come into work sick. I think it's people's crazy, backwards slave mentalities that are making them go work

like this. I don't think there's a lot of logic. Look, that's my problem. I think it's a big problem. Guys, so the The takeaway from this is if you're sick, stay home, lay down on a mattress, get some rest, get a good night of sleep. You know what the most restiest mattress is? Is a Casper mattress? This episode is brought to you by Casper.

Go to casper.com slash biggest. Use promo code Biggest to get $50 off your first purchase. Casper is an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. I brought in a fan review for after I cover these bullet points. mattresses can cost well over 1,500 bucks, and also they could still suck for that price. Yeah. I bought an expensive mattress.

It fucking sucks. I'm not happy with it. I'm sleeping in like a around the sides now. The only fresh spots. Yeah, exactly. Because you get that, what is it? The valley, you get the mattress valley. Yeah, you don't want a valley in your mattress.

How's your mattress? You got your mattress a while ago, didn't you? Your Casper mattress? How's it holding up? It looks consistent all around it. Everywhere on my mattress, it's like a plane. You could put a level on there. You should use this.

mattress is a level. They use that as their slogan. You could put a level on it. You're welcome, Casper. You got a mattress, you could put a level on it. Yeah. Check it. Check it. Check it. Casper mattresses cost between 500 for a twin. Gosh, $8.50 for a queen size. 9.50 for a king size. Is that the one you got a king size? Yeah, king size. And then you get $50 off. So that's $900 for a brand new mattress that's going to last you forever. Risk-free trial and return policy. Try it for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns. Here, I'll play you this guy's take on it. I hope he isn't an asshole about it.

Hey, what's going on, guys? This is Joe. Dick, you said he wanted a review on the cat from mattress. I actually bought one on the show's recommendation. And let me tell you what, it's the best night of sleep I've ever had. Why? I spent four years in the working course, so I spent a lot of time sleeping on the ground. So this mattress is one of the nicest things I've ever laid my back on.

I liked it so much. I called my own squad leader and had him buy it, and he loved it. All right, thanks. It's an Army command coming through. Trump, 2016. Oh, well, an additional ad.

Who would have seen that coming? Get out of here. Sorry, sorry about that, Casper. We won't sully your image with that guy, with that bozo. Oh, casper.com slash biggest, promo code, Biggest, get $50 on your first purchase.

Dick, a mutual friend of ours came up to me and he said he was thinking about getting him Casper mattress a while back. He's like, yeah, I want to support you guys. I'll use your promo code and everything. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, give it a shot. He came up to him and goes, hey, man, so I got my Casper mattress and you guys weren't joking.

It's a really good mattress. I'm like, yeah, no shit. Of course, I wouldn't, first of all, I wouldn't say that to you both on air and off air if I didn't believe it. This is, they're really high quality mattresses. Thank you, Casper, for supporting the show. Yeah. Okay.

Great. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. All right, Dick. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. This is going to catch some people by surprise in that it's still a problem, but Sandy Hook conspiracy dipshits.

Oh, that's still a problem? Yeah, still a problem, unfortunately. So, as a refresher, for most people who live outside the U.S., you might not be following U.S. news as closely as most Americans. From 2009. It's 2012. Oh, 2012. Stories from, like, what is it?

Four years ago now. Uh-huh. Four years ago, the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting occurred on December 14, 2012 in Newton, Connecticut, when a 20-year-old named Adam Lanza fatally shot 20 children and six adult staff members. Prior to driving to the school, Lanzas shot and killed his mother at the Newton home. As first responders arrived at the scene, Lanzah committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Very, very tragic story. The incident was the deadliest mass shooting at a high school or grade school in the U.S. history, and second deadliest mass shooting, by a single person in U.S. history.

Hmm. Yeah, really, really tragic. It was a very controversial time in our country. A lot of debate about gun control. A lot of people really massively upset because 20 children, 20 children were killed at this shooting. Terrible tragedy, right? It was sickening.

It was sickening. That's a big problem. Mass shootings. Yeah, right? Well, it's not... You know, if you're talking about... a problem and how big it is. Uh-huh.

In terms of our emotional response to it, it seems like a big problem. Yeah. But if you put it in context of how many people are killed, that's another way to look at it, because if you want to just save lives, there's a lot of things we can put our attention towards. I want to save guns. Yeah, I know you. That's why it's a big problem. So there's this article that was originally, it originally appeared in a website called The Trace,

which I tried to go to, but there's no trace of it. The website seemed to be down at this time. So is that... Yeah. You're welcome for that one. Yeah. Yeah. That's what joke writers do.

Can we just... Can we take a moment to recover? Yeah, let's take a moment of silence. Yeah, I'll eat some of these cookies. Candace's cookies. Good cookies, too. I just ate one. Yeah, we just had some cookies.

Thank you, Candice. It would have been even better a week and a half ago. Yeah. You know what? They needed a stew inside a shipping container for a little while. Okay. Yeah. They're very professionally done.

I'll take pictures of them. Anyway, this article has been republished. I'm glad I ate hysterioses. See? There was a thought process there. Dick immediately ate hysteriosis. What a hater. Sorry, Asterios.

Anyway, this article was reprinted in Vice, Vice magazine, the Vice website. It's called Taking on the Sandy Hook Truthers. What kind of person calls a mass shooting a hoax? I think that's an important question to ask. What kind of person calls a mass shooting a hoax? Because they're very similar to the 9-11 truthers. Yeah. There's something wrong with these people.

And they're not critical thinkers. I know you guys think you're being critical, and you're not, you know, you're one of those people who think, ah, you're not going to pull the wool over my eyes. I know better than you. And you are immediately skeptical of every mainstream news outlet. Sure. You know what, Dickhead?

You should start being skeptical of your alternate news outlet. Because mainstream news outlets, if journalists misreport something, chances are they're going to get fired. Look at Brian Williams. He's coming back, though. Yeah, but he's been gone for a year. Yeah. People don't take that shit very lightly, and he only fucked up once or twice.

Yeah. You lose your job. That we know of. Yeah, I agree with what you're saying. There's at least some checks and balances. There's checks and balances. Because when a news outlets, loses its reputation, people stop trusting it.

That's all they got. The Times of London, when they printed in the late 70s, those Hitler letters, what was this? They were forgeries. Oh, that's a bumer. They printed forged Hitler letters. Yeah, and they didn't do their due diligence to really vet those things. I want to say it was the Times of Liddish.

What did the letters say? Like, Tee-he-he, my name was Hitler. I don't remember, it's... You know, that would be a fake. It was a long time ago, but that, I mean, that almost ruined them. Yeah. Yeah. it can take down an organization.

Whereas an alternate news website, like Info Wars, these fucking shitty worldtruth.TV websites, all these conspiracy dipshits. They all, oil empire. dot us, that was one from a long time ago

that I don't know if they're still around, hope not. When you go to these websites and you look for sources to see where their sources are coming from because they make outlandish claims, they link to websites that link back to them.

So I was reading an Info Wars article one time, and it said, it's about Latinish claim, about 9-11. I clicked on the source. It took me to oilempirate.us. Oilampire.us talked about this crazy theory, and then they leaked right back to Info Wars. I'm like, oh, perfect. You guys are just jacking each other off. A bunch of jerk-off dipshits. Anyway, a guy named Wolfgang Halbig, he's a 60-year-old security consultant, is the leader of the Sandy Hook conspiracy theorists.

He thinks the 26 victims of the shooting were fictional. Eh, didn't happen. One of the victims was the son of a guy named Lenny Posner, whose six-year-old was shot and killed that day. Posner dropped off his son at school on December 14th, 2012, the day of the shooting. His last words to his child were, have a fun day. They were just listening to a gangham style on the radio on the way over, and his son really liked that song.

He watched his child head inside the school with his brown backpack for the last time. But ever since his son's death, conspiracy theorists speculated that Sandy Hook was a false flag operation. You guys know what a false flag operation is? Yeah, to get guns. Stage it so they can go after the guns.

That's what it is. Well, the false flag, that term was popularized and coined, I think it was coin too, around the time of the Cuban missile crisis, where this American general or American major commander, whatever, I don't know what his rank was,

but he floated this crackpot idea, where we would stage an attack off the coast of Tonkin, I think, or maybe that was the ship. I don't know, it was off the coast of Cuba, essentially, and as a precursor to lead us into war with Cuba or... I'm not remembering the specifics, but essentially it's called a false flag attack where we stage some kind of attack as a precursor

into getting us to do something. They think that the government might have staged as a precursor for more gun control. Yeah. Or to go to war. Well. Or to push extra surveillance measures. Hmm?

Are you a conspiracy dipshit, Dick? No, I don't think. I like reading about them, but, uh, no. It's like I killed a bunch of kids. Pretty easy. Ever since, uh, this is from the, Straightforward. Yeah, this is from the vice articles.

Ever since his son's death, Posner has been dealing with the hoaxers. It was his habit to regularly post photos of Noah, his son's name was Noah. A happy boy with a soft blue eyes and wide smile on his Google Plus page. He would put up pictures. of Noah hugging his twin sister or playing on the beach

or showing off his tooth he lost less than two weeks before he was murdered. Convenient. The hoaxers would see these images and offer comments like where's Noah going to die next? Oh my God. Uh-huh.

Another commenter seemingly believing that Posner had been recruited to help perpetuate the myth of the shooting asked, how much did you get paid? How much would it cost? How much would it cost you to join in on a government conspiracy like that. They wanted you to pretend to be

someone's dad. Oh, what's the false flag? Oh, it depends what they're going after? Yeah. Okay, what if they're going after? Oh, shit. They're trying to get more bicycles, more bicycle lanes.

Oh, buddy. I don't know. What do you want there to be? I don't know what your politics. More minimum wage. What do you want? What do you want? You know, it's a pipe dream,

but I really would like to see a smaller government one day. Okay, so then they're going to say, all right, we're going to go shoot up a bunch of guys. kids and to make the government smaller. Are you in? If I, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, the metric that I

measured it by was that I could barely see them, I would be all on board. Oh, all jokes. Doesn't, doesn't, never takes anything seriously. Okay. Now get back to your problem. Yeah. So, Pazner, this guy, the, the, the dad of this, uh, the son decided to confront these guys. It's something that great.

Most of these dudes never do. Sure. Because he was tired of it and he was really upset. And he, he, he, he decided that. His son's name was being tarnished. His son is being accused of being part of this crazy fucking theory. So this is from the article. He says he hoped to sit down with Halbig at a coffee shop near his home in Orlando, Florida.

He wanted to talk to him face to face about Noah, who has his only son and never far from his mind. He posted online his son's birth and death certificates. He thought that would assuage them. He thought, here you go. Here's my birth and death certificates. No, who does he think he's talking to? Trump, apparently. Anybody could whip those up in an afternoon.

I get you a death certificate by 3 p.m. Randy. Apparently, you can get a birth certificate from the president of the United States. Ah, could be fake. It's a forgery. He was born in Nigeria. He posted online his son's birth and death certificates.

You said it, not me. Kenya. Barack Hussein Obama. He shared the medical examiner's report and one of Noah's report cards. The hoaxers said the records were counterfeits. Of course. Of course they're counterfeits.

These people just, they have no problem making incredible leaps of logic. Yeah. To fill this in with no evidence. Because wouldn't the world be better in a way if it was true? Like don't, can't you see any reason why emotionally they would want it to be true? That this was like this was a plan and that this is not the world. a bunch of kids just didn't get killed randomly but rather the government is so powerful and so good

that they set up this crazy complex scheme to take their guns where these people are the proprietors of information that nobody else has like that to them that's a motive to want that to be true no no dick these guys are not good guys they're just crazy oh I'm not saying they're good but they don't have any

This is not any kind of wish for a world that was better than a world that exists where we have people shooting 20 kids. If it wasn't kids, it would have been something else. Yeah. That was just the mechanism. These guys, I know what you're saying. What Dick is saying is he's suggesting that these people are concocting this as a way, as a defense mechanism, to not acknowledge that we live in a world where monsters like this exists. Part of it.

But it's also they want to be the victim in some way. way. I think it's not... In their mind, they would want it to be true. I think it's not about being a victim so much as narcissism. They think that they're important. They want to feel like they're part of it. They want to feel like that they are part of something bigger than themselves.

And they are part of this. They are on the forefront of the researchers who are going to... No, but narcissism is the driving force here, Dick. It's not that they are victims. I don't think these people think they're themselves as victims, but they are, they think that they're of themselves, they're so delusional about their importance that they think that they can concoct these theories

as a way to make themselves have higher stature. Like, you know what? I got this like dead-end fucking job. I'm sitting around on my ass with nothing going on in my life other than to harass these poor victims, these poor grieving parents. A lot of these people are not as smart as they think they are. No.

They're not where they want to be in life. Right. And they have to come up. with this kind of shit as an excuse for not looking themselves in the mirror. Right. They want the answers. Yeah. And they're the smart one among all their dumb friends.

Yeah. They're also people who, they greatly overestimate their intelligence. They think they're critical thinkers by questioning the official story. Fine. You want to question the official story? Good. Fine. Be a critical thinker.

But then when you find the evidence to your answer, don't. Keep looking for some evidence to support your foregone conclusion. Because if you do that, you'll become one of these deniers where any amount of evidence will not satiate you. Nothing will ever satiate you. A birth certificate could be faked. A death certificate could be faked. Everything could be faked. Maybe you're faked, asshole.

Maybe your fucking birth certificate's fake. What makes you think you can trust anything? Who says your parents or your parents? Maybe you look alike him? Maybe not. Doesn't matter. There are people who are lookalikes. You can question everything in life, and nothing that can necessarily be true if you want to be one of these idiots.

No, in this case, it might be because they're afraid the government will take their guns. Yeah. Well, that's probably, who knows what plays a part of it. Yeah, can you see, are you able to tell what organizations these people are linked to? Yeah, it says here. ISIS. They're all ISIS members. So this posseman guy said he remained undaunted.

He thought that perhaps if he could show how big the documents in person, he and the rest of the hoaxies, I wanted to be as transparent as possible, Posner says. I thought keeping the documents private would only feed the conspiracy. So when Posner, you know, much like the birthers, very similar. When Posner did not receive a reply from Halbig, he contacted Kelly Watt, one of the more aggressive hoaxers who showed up on his Google Plus page. Watt wrote back on Halbig's behalf. He said, Wolfgang does not wish to speak with you, her note said,

unless you exhum Noah's body and prove to the world you lost your son. Well, what else are you going to do? That's the stand... They want this poor fucking guy to dig up his son's grave to prove that he died? Well, then they'll say it won't be a son.

It was going to go engaging with them. Like, here's the birth certificate and death certificate. What? Hey, way to go. You cured insanity, dude. Where do you think it's going to go? Of course they're going to go there. And after you dig it up,

they're going to want you to cut it into... They just always want more. Yeah. Who's the cruxed it's the crime? crazy one now. You're trying to talk sense into people who are insane. You're a fucking idiot. I don't think he's an idiot. I think he's traumatized clearly. He gave them the benefit of the doubt. Oh, that's okay. You know, I like to do that too sometimes when someone is really skeptical of something I'm saying, I assume, I like to think that people generally have good

intentions. Generally speaking, most people do. Even people who do heinous things. Because ultimately, when you do something that hurts somebody or does something or has some negative repercussion, it's usually not out of malice when you start. It becomes that way after the fact when you look at things and you realize, well, I was acting out of anger. I was acting out of emotion. I was hurt. I didn't, I was trying to, it's more about self-preservation than it is malice a lot of times. But anyway, this goes on. It says less than a month after the shooting, a video called the Sandy Hook shooting, fully exposed, that's the name of the video, had received 10 million views on YouTube. So these fuckers are not only traumatizing and harassing these poor

grieving parents, but they're making a mint off of it, too. Oh, you think they got ad revenue for that? Of course. Ten million? At about 1.5 CPM, that's, um, Yeah, you're looking at about 15 grand. Would that finance the movie? How well done was the movie? I don't know. I didn't watch it. What kind of 3D modeling and effects are we talking about? You know, it's on par with like zeitgeist and all the other, you know, bullshit conspiracy theory videos.

An infamous conspiracy theorist named James Fetzer called a Newton attack a FEMA drill to promote gun control. The National Rifle Association laid the groundwork for such sentiments. Yeah. Did you see the one where they got one of the parents laughing right before he does a press conference? Yeah. That's one of their smoking guns. Yeah. You know, look at this guy, yucking it up, and then he starts acting.

It gets real serious. Right. It even talks about this here. It says, to press their case, hoaxers designated themselves experts on physiology of grieving. Yeah. The parents didn't appear sad enough in interviews, they argued. Therefore, they could not have possibly lost children. Suddenly, they're experts on grieving.

They know exactly how people deal with trauma. They know how people... They're experts on everything, man. Yeah, they're experts on everything. By the way, snopes.com, one of the first links when you search for the Sandy Hook shooting, there's an article that says, Sandy Hook exposed, question mark.

Video documents that the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School were a staged hoax. The verdict is false. Big red false. Snopes looked into it, it's false. This goes on, How Big Became known for asking a set of 16 questions that he argued proved the event was staged, carried out by crisis actors,

whom the government pays to pose as victims during emergency preparedness drills. Halbig claimed the authorities could not provide him with answers that, in fact, were available to the public in the Connecticut State Police Report on the shooting. For instance, he wanted to know why paramedics and EMTs weren't allowed to enter the school. They were. Of course they were, you fucking idiot. and why helicopters weren't used to transport victims to the hospital well with the exception of four wounded individuals who are taken by ambulance the rest were dead you fucking idiot

they're not going to take dead people to hospitals to work on them they're dead at the scene you fucking idiot next time supplied with those facts he and the hoaxers insisted that they had to be fiction given their source the whole point after all is that the government can never be trusted okay you're a fucking idiot 10 million views on that thing so how many people are Sandy Hook conspiracy guys, you think? They're not a lot, but they're a small, loud, obnoxious pocket of the deepest, darkest hole of the internet.

I hate these guys. They're such fucking incorrigible idiot dipshits. They're absolutely terrible people. They're making money off the back of the suffering victims. They're not making the world a better place for anyone. I got to see that making money thing. You think there's a financial aspect to this? If you watch a YouTube video and you see an ad,

someone is making money on it. Yeah. How much money went into the video, though? Well, probably not much, because all these videos are so poorly researched and poorly made. They're not... First of all these fucking conspiracy videos, almost none of them have a host. None of them have a face you can pin to it.

That's true. No one's standing in front of anything. They're all just doing this with voiceover and internet clips. They're just looking at grainy video footage of CNN and pouring over the first thing. few minutes of news reports that come in. You know, the news reports that are the most confusing, where nobody knows what the facts are. Sure.

Someone might have said they heard a bomb. Someone might have said they saw a second gunman. Those are the news reports they cling to voraciously. And even after retractions have been published, it's too fucking late because they look at these little blogging websites that pick up the news stories, minutes after they've been published, even with the factual errors that have been retracted later. But then they always point to these blogger websites that don't have those retracted. Well, there's stuff like that for James Holmes, too. Everybody says there was a second gun then who escaped and that James Holmes was just drugged in his car. That's where they found him. He's like a plant. Yeah. CIA plant. Yeah. I do like reading them. They're fun. It's like fun escapism because it's crazy in a way that someone couldn't write. Like I'll fall asleep during Force Awakens. Somebody tried to write something interesting. I'm like, I can't take it. But these guys write something that they like really

put their lives into it. I'm fascinated by it. So some of these school shootings happened under Bush. Yeah, of course. Columbine, didn't it? Yeah. Columbine happened under... Was it? Clinton? Yeah. Oh my God. It was a long time ago. These kind of groups were completely silent because they're so afraid of... Oh, it's the same

people. It's all overlap. Like, everyone who's really... You think the same people went crazy under Bush? It's not as loud under governors that they view as being... A little more pro-gun. Yeah, a little bit more pro-gun. But, uh... Yeah. You know, it's still there, there's that undercurrent, but it's not nearly as loud. You're right, Sean. But

yeah, when anytime there's a liberal president in office and a school shooting happens, these conspiracy dipshits reared their ugly fucking heads. And I mean ugly, metaphorically and literally, they're just assholes. And they concoct these theories because they're either afraid of gun control. But it's not all gun control. These guys are also, you know, some of the same people as 9-11 truthers. Of course. You know what, guys? Take inventory of your life right now. And if you believe in more than one or two, seriously huge conspiracy theories, you're a conspiracy dip shit.

Kill yourself. Yeah, well, no one will believe your fucking death certificate asshole. Yeah, kill yourselves and we'll just sit there and mock your fucking family, dickheads. Which I wouldn't do. It's just a fucking awful thing. Yeah. It's just an awful thing, these assholes.

Anyway, yeah, in conclusion, just rot in a pit. Yeah, you're really angry about this. Why? It pisses me off so much, man. So old, though. Like, you can't stop them. They're just always there. This is what the world is.

Dick, that's a very defeatist attitude. It doesn't have to be. But what are you going to do? Kill them? Like, they're crazy. They need psychiatric help. It's what a small percentage of the world is. Psychiatric help is not a magic pill.

It doesn't fix people. It literally does sometimes. It doesn't. That's not what a psychiatrist or a psychologist job. You're not going to send all these people to counseling, and they're going to be better. Like, that's just not realistic. So what's the solution?

No, there are ways to get through to people like this. Like anti-vaxxers, for example. people have done lots of different studies and tried lots of different techniques and they're starting to finally find ways to get through to them. Like to have that defeatist attitude like, oh, it's just the way the world is.

You know, there's... That's the way it is. Rapists and killers and there's nothing we can do about it. No, there is. You can reduce it. That's a little bit different than raping and killing, thinking that there's a giant conspiracy and Sandy Hook. Well, whether or not you do something actively

with your body, like assault somebody, or you tacitly, You do it indirectly by harassing them. I think that's a, you're splitting hairs. No, okay. You can cause, splitting hairs is called the law. You can cause someone a lot of mental grief. Well, there are anti-bullying laws,

anti-online harassment laws, anti-stalking laws. Stocking is psychological warfare, essentially. Well, arrest them for what they're doing to this guy then. But then he goes and has a press conference with what? What are you doing, man? sounds like everybody needs to go to a shrink in this scenario. Yeah, well, he was trying to reason with people who can't be reasoned with, so come on. He probably learned his lesson on that.

I hope so. He's given up here. I hope everybody learned that lesson in this one. But he has, he has, I think he did form a group. I think the article goes on. He did form a group with other parents and grief counselors and people who are trying to essentially solve this problem to stop these social parasites from harassing people like this. because it's a really disgusting thing

and they're making a mint. Like I said, these YouTube videos with 10 million views, if they're monetized someone's making money off of it. It's just 15 grand. Just 15 grand? These guys are all living, they're just living in their little

trailers in the Midwest or wherever the fuck they're living. They're not making 15 grand doing anything else. 15 grand's a lot of money. I guess. Maybe eat for a year. In the mid, yes. It could be half of someone's income.

These are all just crazy people. Telling each other they're special. I don't know. Yeah, well, it's really tragic. And the only reason I brought this in now, after 2012 is when the shooting happened, is because this is still going on today. These idiots are unrelenting.

Yeah. Well, that's my problem. All right. Conspiracy dipshits also voted up. Sandy Hook conspiracy dipshits. Well, yeah, it's a subset. Vote up both. Yeah.

Okay. Vote up both. Let's see which conspiracy dipshit reigns supreme. on this show. You gotta bring in Holocaust deniers. Oh, they're coming. You gotta bring in, what other conspiracies? Flat Earth Society

people, I would love to have one of them on the show. They are fascinating. Yeah. Flat earthers? Raylian people. Raylian people, another great one. I talked about that during the conspiracy dipship one. There's also the... People who believe in God, bring them in.

Right? There's also... Crazy, a magical wizard in the sky. Right? There's also these skeptical, the people who are skeptical of medicine people. Homeopaths? Yeah. Or like Jehovah's Witness people?

But like the hardcore homeopaths and people who are into alternate medicine. Man, that's hurting some people too, man. I can talk about some serious, serious damage that's done to people. Let's not be serious about it. Yeah. Can we talk about it in a funny way? Somebody lost their dick or something? There you.

Got weird sounding Muppets now. Hey, we got these people. who are causing people grief. Oh. Hilarious. Anyway, Dick, you got another problem? Oh, no. You got a quick one?

No. No, all right. Let's wrap it up here then. I got voicemails, though. Okay, well, here's some voicemails. After the, you know, like usual. My problem this week was Sandy Hook conspiracy dipshits. My problem is presenteism.

Another kind of denier. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Did I just hear Maddox Talk shit about somebody who wears a sonic t-shirt to school When he was the person that wore a shirt with tanks on it To a business dinner with the CEO of his books publishing firm I'm pretty sure that's what I thought I heard

Okay idiot First of all And Dick you're a cool guy I would never wear a tank t-shirt Do a dinner with a CEO of anything Yeah, so you wouldn't be invited. Only cool guys with tank shirts get invited. Maybe I'd be a waiter.

I wouldn't show up to work in a tank t-shirt. Yeah, you'd show up to work sick. I love how in that entire scenario that the publisher never clarified a dinner jacket. Oh, yeah. You might want to get a jacket. Well, at least the way you told it. Yeah, he didn't clarify a dinner jacket.

You think that's necessary, Sean? Of course it is. Depends on... When you're dealing with riders, yes. I think you're right. But it was also New York, and it was raining that day, And I assumed that he meant a jacket because it was raining outside. And I said, no, no jacket, no umbrella.

I don't use any of those things. There's stupid. And then I show up to the, you know what? But it's not just a sonic shirt that guy showed up to school with. He had duct tape on shoes. He was making sonic shoes. Oh, yeah, that's way worse. We're talking about social norms here, okay, guys.

So you're strengthening my case. Was that your case? That the guy didn't know social norms because he was homeschool. The duct tape? Your entire case? revolves around that guy's duct tape. I don't know if it was just duct tape in the pink and purple backpack

and trying to dress up a Sonic Hedgehog with a peek of his shoe. I don't get the duct tape. He put duct tape on his shoes. Like, Sonic had like, like, silver shoes. No, he didn't even have silver shoes. He had white stripes.

He had red shoes with white stripes. The kid was, in his autistic glory, was making duct tape stripes and his shoes. Here's one. Hey guys. This is a verdict. A couple of things.

Hitler was homeschooled. Oh, shit. Yep. there you go I think that's enough evidence It is You're a You're a holmeschool

I guess that's it I wasn't homeschooled Because I was homeschooled And I am Hitler That's all Don't fuck yourself Yeah We had to specify

Who he was asking To fuck himself Yeah they do They have to Yeah Hitler was homeschooled You know I always kind of thought Of envy

It's kind of like The better Between envy and jealousy Invie is kind of better Because like Invie's like Oh so and so

got like a new car oh I wish I had that but then jealousies when you're like pissed they have a new car it's like when you're like that's when you're like something you're like oh maybe I should fucking kind of turn this into something

you know a little fucking motivation that get your shit together or whatever work harder also the I'm just dropping that also the Facebook that shit is like the Facebook

I think like 80% facade when people are like I'm so happy I'm so happy because I know a few people who post shit like I talked to them that night

and then like mere hours later and they're like you know their fucking life's falling apart whatever divorce whatnot

and then they're on Facebook like oh I'm fucking having a great day I can found some Oreos at the bottom of my bed. I don't know. I used some now. Hashtag yoho.

Yo-ho. Not yolo. No. Oh, great. Thank you. Very insightful voicemail. Thank you for that voice mail. Do you want to hear one later in the night?

Oh, God, that's a big one from him. You want to hear that? Yeah. Or you want to hear Star Wars one? Whichever is funny. I don't know. You can play both and we can cut one out. Okay.

Hey, speaking of Die Hard, did you guys ever play the first PlayStation diehard game? Yeah, it was great. It was awesome. Oh, so fun. They made a sequel for, I don't know if it was the PlayStation or a future model. Oh, it was a lot of PlayStation 2. But it was not good. They fucked that one up.

Is this weird? And then 64 fucked up. Why is he talking about this? Perfect Dark, the sequel, Perfect Dark. I mean, I would love to talk about this whole text box, Microsoft, and they find that one up too. You're jerking on? What's he doing?

Just fanging out. Perfect Dark too. And I heard of it. And I have two, the video game. And maybe the movie. It's creepy Matthew Conno. Maybe this one is short. Dick, you are such a freaking retard.

You're trying to describe what wrong with the Force Awakens, and yet you're actually saying the good things about a new hope. You're sitting there complaining about not having a person to go on the hero's journey with. You're talking about the fact that there's still a resistance. You sound like a moron. He's really up. Sounds like you rubbed on out too. He sounds like a moron.

What an angry masturbating about the... Oh, wait, this one's good. One last one. Well, hello, good kids. It's me. Mickey Mouse. I just wanted to call in to talk to dick

listen dick I'm sorry that you happen to not like the movie or much but give you your goddamn $30 fuck you bitch because you're decided to spend $30

so fuck you how about penny for your goddamn flop so you could jam it up here you're gonna damn liver you fucking dick see it's that

it's the shot thing maybe maybe Ray was a little too old for power Well, hey, fuck a lie Luke Scarlether is a bit of a lame-ass fucking hell We needed someone to replace

Someone as laying at him They take up the torch And someone's quite frankly pretty hot too I mean, come on, man Look at her, this Daisy Relation, pretty fucking gorgeous Am I right? No

Anyway, fuck yourself I didn't listen to that one of the face done It sounded like the laughs in that script were also written down. Yeah. Fuck you. Ha ha!

No, fuck you, Mickey.