The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 88

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from Veracos Vanes to Tim Chains. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide, well, should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I met up with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer, welcome back, Sean. Thank you. And very special guest, Astero's boisterous, the sneaky Greek coconuts. Welcome back.

Hey, everybody. Hey, buddy. We have a full studio. And in-s-house today, we also have a guest, Paige. A super fan. Super fan. Page. Thank you for joining us, Paige. Welcome to the show. Say hi to the microphone.

Hi, fellas. Thanks for having me. Oh, my gosh. Sounds like a voice actor. What a beautiful voice. Can you do that? Can we get a second take that's even sexier somehow? Hi, fellas. Thanks for having me. Whoa! Do you have a shooting load in your pants sound effect over there? That's close enough. Perfect. Halfway there. All right. Well, welcome to the show, guys. Sean, you were missed. Welcome back from jail. You went to jail.

Is that where I was this week? According to Dick, that's what Dick said. Yeah, you were in jail. Everybody should try it like four or five times. Jail? Yeah. You got to know if you like it or not. Oh, yeah.

You know, the only food they serve in jail is salad. It's tossed salad, Sean. Is that why you have a problem right now? I don't know, man. I've been up for days. Okay. All right, let's talk. The biggest problem in the universe from last week was backseat drivers.

Yes. And then Disney, Street Art Abolition, following that and then losing the remote, which, Dick, I have to call you out on something. I have to. I don't have a choice of serious. I don't have a choice of serious. Judge, you're a bailiff.

Begrudgingly, I have to bring up some minor inconsistency in your comedy argument. What could it possibly be? It simply brings me no pleasure to raise this, however. It pains me to say this day. It's the fucking asshole. Oh, I love me. All right.

It pains me to say this. Damn it. Damn it. I got, he sent me his sound effects. I got those now. Tim is not here. That's not fair. Yeah, strike that.

Strike that from the record, Sean. All right, here we go. So I looked into your source, the one in seven drivers. Yeah. You brought in a horseshit PR ad. That was an ad for an insurance company. Did you know that? Yeah.

Okay, no need to go on then. Yeah, I did. Yeah. It was an ad for an insurance company. Well, I think it's true, though. It's not. It's not. It's still, it's still could be true.

But don't ads get to the greater truth of everything? No, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. You know, it's like, I mean, just think about it. Like, isn't Disneyland the happiest place on Earth? Yeah. Is that not true?

And the iPhone, it just works. Sure. It does just work. Yeah. Except it overheats. It freezes all the time. Apps don't load. It crashes.

It rebutes. It vibrates when he said it on silent. it ruins the podcast when you don't want it to? I don't think it ruins the podcast. Well, you know. Isn't this podcast being recorded on an Apple laptop right now? Yeah, the crashes all the time. No, no, no, no.

This Apple laptops are responsible for your successful podcast, is all I'm saying. Yeah. And most of the music you listen to also. Yeah, exactly. Oh, speaking of Disney, I went to Disney World last week. I haven't, I'm two episodes behind, I apologize. I went to Disney World two weeks ago. What the fucking time of my life?

What don't you guys like about Disney World? I didn't have a problem with it. I never complained about Disney World. I've never, for the one, I've never been at Disney World. All right. It's awesome. Some of the rides at Disneyland are fun. Yeah.

Which ones are your favorite? I like, what's the Scream Mountain, Star Mountain? Space Mountain. Space Mountain. Now it's Hyper Space Mountain because Star Wars is taking it over. It's made it better. Like it makes everything better. Showerheads, foods.

Oh. Yeah, your bottle of water, which you can go to the 99 cent store and pick up a bottle of water that's branded with Star Wars, changes absolutely nothing, Cheapens the brand. Only 99 cents. That's a still... I'll be right back, guys. I gotta go to the 99 cents store by some

midaclorean infused water. I got some comments about backseat drivers. Let's hear it. Phil Rules said, you made the joke about backseat running in Kenya. Right? Because backseat drivers, I think, are... I think have a brain dysfunction.

Oh, yeah. Like, I think they should be in the DSM. They need... Yeah, the DSM-7 just came out. Right between Tourettes and being retarded. I don't know. I don't know if being retarded is a... in the DSM 7?

I don't know. I'm not a doctor. But it should be in there. That's my point. Is backseat driving should be in there. It's a mental deficiency. If I'm driving in someone...

That should be treated with intense shock therapy. What? Again, you're right for a little while and then you're wrong again. Look, if someone's backseat driving me fucking drives me crazy, it'll probably make me drive worse.

Like, why... Well, one in seven people say that they do drive worse, according to that advertisement that I brought in last week. Sounds like a solid statistic, at least for me. Yeah, it's not. And I looked into your other sorts. Dick, the Psychology Today article,

no studies cited in there. Not a single study was cited in there. It's just all anecdotal. No, it's experts' opinions. It's experts' opinions, psychologists. Right. They're not armchair psychologists. They're actual psychologists with opinions.

Right. My doctor has opinions too. My doctor has opinions on what you should eat. And you should listen to them. Well, not the opinions. I want the actual studies. No, the doctor gives you his opinion. He says, like, I think you might have cancer.

You got to get this checked out. That's not a study. That's his opinion. Oh my gosh, Dick. I'm not talking about those opinions. I'm talking about any kind of opinions that they have outside of the realm of medicine or science. Like, look, I don't want anecdotal evidence here. That's not anecdotes. It is. A psychologist says you might be codependent.

But you didn't link to any studies. They're psychologists giving their opinion about a mental disorder, a backseat driving. They've studied this for years. No, but they, I looked for the specific. There were no linked studies. I didn't see anything. So if somebody gave you advice like on you, would you go, you need to do an extended study on me?

Not necessarily. But if you're saying this is a solid gold, this is hard, hard evidence, right? Like the hard evidence Dick always brings in on a comedy podcast. The unimpeachable Dick Masters. His name is Dick Masterson. How can there be evidence for a psychologist's opinion? It's called studies. They would link to studies that they'd.

they've done with tests and variables. There was one with the blood thing. I checked. That wasn't a study. It was an anecdote. No, no, no. It wasn't an anecdote. It was a study of, it was a survey.

I'm sorry, not a survey. It was a study of people who would rather take their own blood. They would rather prick their own finger or have a certified technician do it. And Baxi drivers would rather do it themselves. Right. That wasn't a study. It was an anecdote in psychology today. And the guy's name is Berger, Professor Berger.

And I looked it up. And the only thing he's known for, he did a recreation of the milligram experiment. but that study's not linked anywhere. It's not there. Someone loves being a backseat driver too much. That's what this is. You really need to be a backseat driver. You're being a backseat driver to all of his stats.

You are. I don't even know what that means. Exactly. It got a laugh. So don't worry about it. So here's the thing. When I backseat drive, I usually only do it. Look, it's a little annoying when people are hounding you to go a little bit faster.

I get it. That's fine. But I usually only do it when I see a serious potential danger. Oh yeah, he's a considerate vaccine. Oh, you're right. Thank you, Sean. Like there's a UFO about to crash into you. Watch out.

Yeah, rain slick dick. Maybe you should listen to advice. Maybe you should listen to advice. Here's a thing. That's called a warning. What you do? If you only do it in this emergency. That's all that's exactly.

That's a warning of imminent danger. It's a warning of imminent danger. I warn them. I do. Reaching across the seat to honk and a guy who's not making a left is not a warning of two-minute danger. Did you do that? That is what he gets to me in my car. Oh, that's not what happened.

May I just say, may I just say that regardless of whether or not he's got a bunch of facts? I mean, can't we just all agree that backseat drivers are annoying and it's a problem? They can be. Look, I've been annoyed by them. They can be. No, they can be. And I've been, look, I've been driving one time. And someone in the backseat, literally in the backseat was like, hey, be careful.

You know, you're driving pretty aggressively. You're going to spill your soup. And I, no, I wasn't carrying soup. My correspondence is going to fly out the window. I stopped and I asked the person, I said, have you ever been in an accident? And she goes, yeah. I said, well, I haven't.

Wow. So, yeah, I think I know what I'm doing. Someone's not getting a BJ that night. Or you should have said you want to get in another one? I thought that's what you were going to say. I thought you were going to go full on breaking bed and cause a car accident. I'm doing an argument. Here's a guy that agrees with you.

Ivan Riley says, I saved my family's lives. with backseat driving. I live in the UK and we drive on the correct side of the road. Fuck you. We were in France and my dad was driving on the wrong side of the road. I told him when I realized he had no fucking clue that there was another car. Big problem, but sometimes it can save your life.

It totally can. Especially with my dad. My dad is all over the road when he drives. So we need to tell him. Father like son. No, my dad is... You know, I'm an aggressive driver, but I'm safe. But my dad is... I wouldn't even say aggressive. It's almost like, he's in and out of lanes, that sort of thing.

He's too old. He's 87 years old, so he's going to be alone. Just a quick question before we move on. If you gave your dad advice from the backseat about how he should drive, how might he react? He probably wouldn't hear me. He's like mostly deafening. He probably wouldn't punch you in the throat and throw you out the car.

No, I don't think so. Really? No. I got a comment here from Damien Graves. He says, I haven't laughed so hard in a while. You can tell Dick brought him in just to annoy Maddox. He's talking about Tim Chains. Oh, yeah, he was great.

I love that guy. As an audio engineer, did he do a good job filling in? Was the fidelity of the recording okay? Well, yeah, because I set up all the gear. I mean, all right, let's not get into, let's not start taking credit for another man's work. Tim Jings did a great job. Did he push the button? I pushed the button.

Okay, good. Okay. I got another comment. He was hilarious, though. Well, I thought he was just really annoying with those sound drops. I got another comment from Duncan Ma Balls. He says, Damn it.

Ah, that's his latest Tim Chang sound drops are. It's haunting me. Duncan Maballs says, I think I might set that Tim Chang sound clip is my text tone. So, yeah, there's a lot of people who are asking for it. You can give it, go ahead and play it once.

No, I got some voicemails about Tim Chang. You guys should sell it on Band Camp. Just putting that out there. Here's a voicemail. We might sell this one, too. God damn it, Maddox, from 20 seconds in, and I'm already hearing some Blasian guy promoted his bullshit of his DJ and the skills and all that little fucking shit.

God damn, get back to, give Sean back, bring your white-paciann back on to the goddamn radio. Don't you ever get replaced by this guy, by DJ Will Tane or whatever. God, fuck you guys. Fuck you guys. Uh, have an asshole. Bye.

Have an asshole. Have an asshole. We found our black listener. I was really hoping no one was going to comment on his race. Hey, wait, I got another one here. Never have DJ Tim Chainsz-ZZ on your show again ever He's the George Rinks of your show

Oh, nerd Nerd, nerd alert Bring back the ass farmer as soon as possible He sounds so flustered What did you think of Tim Page? What did you think of Tim Chang? You're your fan of the show? I really liked it I liked the burr-bur-bur part the best Oh geez page

You liked this part? Tim Chang Oh my gosh, no more. We got a fan of the show right here. She liked them, I'm just saying. I got a comment from Matthew Gordon. He says, Tim Chains, I almost stopped listening when I heard Sean was gone. Now I want to do sign up for radio class to work on my garage band skills.

Yeah. I liked him. I'm Hickster. I thought it was freaking hilarious. Have you been to radio class? No. Is it a thing? I have no idea.

Okay. Radio class? I don't know. Maybe like a community college or something. I got some voicemails for Asteroos, too. I saved them for the next time you'd come in. People really like you. Oh, great.

Yeah, let me see. Let me see you here. Okay, here we go. Hey, guys. This is Amanda Todd. It's how to talk. I'm just going to ask you, please stop bringing

that Asteroos on your show. Oh, shit. That's the wrong one. They can go back home to his wife. I'm sorry. I mean, Christ, he makes me want to drink

another gallon of bleach again. Do it. Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks for supporting Trump. Oh, all right. Well, that explains a lot. A Trump supporter doesn't like Asteroos.

That explains everything. Uh, go ahead. No, I just don't know why you would bring on a voicemail that would hurt my feelings. Uh-oh. Yeah. I mean, hopefully the rest of these are more positive. Oh, well, this one, your mom called in. Oh, oh, cool, mom.

Yeah, she's only positive. Estereos, this is your mother. We've been talking lately and you've told me, I don't know how many times that you're the host of this big, big problem in the universe, which doesn't make sense to me. Why would you be a big problem? You're my baby. That's right. Anyway, I've only heard you on a couple episodes, unless you're cleverly disguising yourself,

is this Nick Dastison, this mad, mad ox guy. Anyhow, I just wanted to say, how come I haven't heard you on it? You're not lying to me again, are you? You're paying your bills, right? Because last time we talked, you asked me for money, the things that you said you were doing a long time ago.

Anyway, I would like to encourage anybody listening right now to support my baby and go to www.w.com and look up Admiral Akbar, Snackbawr. All right, all right. She sounds like a nice lady. I didn't know your mother was an old Jewish woman. You know who she sounded like. And who are you gay? Crazy. Angel's mom.

Sounds a little nicer than Angela's mom. I yeah no it's just mom thanks for calling this nice you and I would hope the people go to my that was really nice thank you she plug Admiral Ackbar She's my mom I hope she would Oh very sweet of her

Hey I actually have to call you out Okay Let's hear it Kathy Okay here's a here's a comment from Brandon Ellis The way he shook his head Look like a Kathy comic How can Maddox bitch At the minutia of five lost seconds

Using a mouse But then scoff at Dick Stats about time lost looking for a remote. How about that? I know you're a fan of efficiency. I would have thought you hate lost remotes. Yeah, I brought that comment in too, actually. Because I think that lost remotes,

first of all, they never affect me. I never lose my remote. It's always in the living room. Why would it ever be anywhere else? I don't go to the bathroom and take the remote with me. I don't go into the kitchen and make a sandwich and take the remote with me. I don't take the remote anywhere outside of the living room

because it's pointless. I never lose it. And second, it's an incommantial. competence problem. You know, anytime I've had a friend who constantly loses keys or cell phone or whatever the fuck it is, I tell them the same thing, same advice, and I'm going to tell it to you, and anyone else who's losing the remote, get a system. All right.

Figure it out. Put your thing that you're losing in the same place, always. Number one, get a system. Yeah, you got that. You got that Brandon Ellis? Well, let's go slow. Let me just start on working on that one. Get a system.

Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Oh. All right. You want to get to some problems? Let's do it. Okay. Go ahead, Dick. My first problem is, this is a big one. It's way, way bigger than half of the problems on the top 10 list. Okay? I'm dead serious about that.

So pull up the web page and get ready to vote. This is not a joke. The problem is not enough toilets. Don't play a fucking, don't play a stupid sound effect. This is absolutely true. This is a hip, God, damn. Wait, why were they clapping and then booing? They sound like a real confused audience.

This is a serious problem. This is a human health issue. This is a health issue. This is not just because I almost piss in my pants every time I'm out in Hollywood and don't want to go on the street with all the bums, right? This is not a personal gripe. It's probably an economical problem for you. What do you mean?

Well, I mean, if you were to save like 10 pair of underwear every year. Okay, no, never mind. I forgot. I'm so sorry. I want to bring some up real quick. It seems like you pee and poo your pants a lot, like more than a lot of people do. Do you think you pee and poo your pants more than the average person?

No, I'm not pee. Oh, just poo. Yeah, I've shit in my pants way more than an average person, sure. Okay. Yeah. What's going on? It's a mixture of liquor and overconfidence. Oh, alcoholism.

Is this like an intervention? What do you mean? What's going on? Yeah, Dick. Sean's not recording this, actually. This is an intervention. We all came here today. What do you mean?

What's the Broncon? Is it, is anyone confused on that? Yes, it causes permanent running damage to your, you know, insides. Rock gut, I think they called it. Look, I'm new to alcoholism and I'm just kind of looking for some tips. Oh, buddy, you're going to love it. Embrace it. Embrace it.

Don't be ashamed of it. You shouldn't be ashamed of shitting in your pants now and then. it builds character. I carry around birthday cake flavored vodka in my briefcase now. Like, is that like a good start?

No, it's got to be regular vodka. Okay. That's a good and you need to go... It tastes really good. Yeah, that's wrong. You shouldn't be happy when you drink.

It shouldn't taste good. It should taste painful. Okay. You need to be imbibing the pain. Oh! Right? You got to graduate to Scotch or something like that. I have a lot of strawberry jaguice too.

And you have to find a drink that you can order anywhere in the world and it'll be there. Okay. Exactly. All right. Anyway, 2.4 billion people on the planet

do not have access to adequate sanitation. So this is not largely an American problem, right? This is mostly like third world. I would say it's 50-50. Huh. This is a, this is a, this is 2.4 billion people around the world

don't have access to adequate sanitation. And also, in America, people are pricks about using the bathroom. What do you mean? Well, like, you go, you know, you go into a McDonald's, or I was in a Popeyes, for example, walk in, like, hey, can I use the restroom? No, customers only are like, oh, man, come on, fuck you. Yeah.

Right? Dude, I am the bathroom circumventor, man. I'm the bathroom cock block circumventor. You cockblock being the bathroom, I'm going to shit. I'll find a way. What the hell does that mean? Yeah, right out in the leaves. I'll give you a description of that, Sean, make you vomit, make you dry a heap all over the place.

I almost did. Yeah, for real. The bathroom circumventor. Yeah. like that's a nickname you've had for yourself for a while. Like, that just rolled off your tongue. No, I find a way to get to use their bathroom. What does that make? What do you mean? What do you do?

I tell them, first of all, if they say they don't have a bathroom, I'm like, come on, man, where do you shit? Right? Where do you go? Where do you go to the bathroom? And I tell them, look, I know, I know you're concerned. I know you're afraid that you're going to walk in after I'm done, and there's going to be just like shit smeared all over the walls and on the mirror and underneath the door handle. They're more afraid of you planting explosives. Shut up, Sean. Not funny, dickhead. Ass. Go back to prison.

Not all. If only he'd gotten his ass farmer's license, like a real ass farmer did he wouldn't have gone to jail. Yeah, it's not all Muslim, Sean. What's the... No, you know what? I go to hotels, fancy hotels, and I look like I belong.

I walk into a fancy hotel that say, right this way, Mr. Maddox. Right, go ahead, go and take a shit. They know your name. They know my... They don't have a problem letting you use a... bathroom at a fancy hotel. Yeah, I just walk right in. I always go to a hotel, I go to a restaurant, a McDonald's, a Carl's Jr., a chevron, any of these places. That's a bit of a walk for people

in India. That's what I got. No, you're right about the bathroom circumventing thing. That's also a big problem. I was in, I was in a Popeye's a couple weeks ago, and this bum was asking if he could use the bathroom to the guy behind the counter, and he's like, you know, he's in bad shapes, bum. There's tons of bumps in Hollywood. He's kind of use the bathroom. The guy said, no, no, customers only. Because they got a token system there, so you can't circumvent it, unless you try to piss through the keyhole.

Right. Or whatever. Right. Because they got a token system. No, customers only. And I was like, I was right there, and I'm looking at the guy, weird, I felt this weird feeling.

I don't know how to describe it. Like, I want, like, he was feeling bad, and I wanted him to feel less bad. Empathy. Empathy, is the word. Is that what that is? Yeah. Okay.

And I was like, oh, man, like, give me the token. I was like, hey, hey, just, hold on, dude, give me the token, I got to go. I'll give it to, I don't know, I'll give it to him and we'll be fine, right? Then the system will be in place. And he's like, no, we can't because they mess up the bathroom. They, the homeless people. And I was like, oh, so I turned to the guy and I said, you're not going to mess up the bathroom, are you? And he goes, fuck this shit.

And I said, okay, the system works. You're right. Yeah, of course he's getting to mess up the bathroom. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I almost caused you a bunch of labor cleaning this maniac's feces in your off of the bathroom. You're right. I'm sorry. Fuck you. Go in the street. Yeah. Wow. Since I've been back in Los Angeles, I've been going a lot of coffee shops and shit. And

a guy definitely walked through in a cafe the other day, a homeless guy. Carrying an entire giant couch cushion over his, head, like on both shoulders. And he walks in. And he's like, I want to use the bathroom. And the manager goes, you need to leave right now. And he went, all right, and he just walked out. And I just love the idea that the cushion man in this manager do this dance like five times a day. Yeah, and he knows, he knows.

He's not welcome. He's being a jerk. He's got a hobby. Can I tell you one of the few times I was not able to circumvent? Oh, no. The bathroom cockblocking. There wasn't a fancy hotel? It wasn't. All right.

It was in Hawaii on the Big Island, which I recommend no one go to. I think that is just a giant bathroom. You would think, but there's, like, fucking nowhere to pull off on the Big Island. Big Island's great. What do you like about it? Wait a minute, you don't need to answer that. It's a tropical paradise. What do you mean?

What do you think about it? No, I'm talking. Oahu's great. It's great. It's fun. Maui's great. But the big island, you go there, and it's like a giant fucking, it's just a volcano. And you can hike down it. Just go to the bathroom in the volcano.

What's your problem? Because it takes fucking forever to drive anywhere, because there's two lanes, and everyone's driving in the left, slow as fuck. And no backseat drivers are telling them to speed the fuck up so I can get there and take a shit in the volcano, I can't do anything. So I land in Hawaii. Howley. I was not. You got to be more Ono, buddy. Oh, no, I don't. You got to watch Lilo and Stitch. Yeah, I've never seen it. So I landed, right, and the first big city outside of the city near the airport, right? I'll never forget this

fucking stop, because these pricks would not let me use their bathroom no matter what. And they said, there's porta-potties outside. And I went out there and it looked like, fucking, like, if they made a new Silent Hill game and they wanted to amp it up, oh man, all right. They would have to, like, they would have to make it 10 times worse than anything you've ever seen Silent Hill

to make it look like this bathroom. Like, scary? Like poopy handprints on the wall, just like someone shit themselves and then slap their hand on the wall to leave the biggest handprint possible made out of pure shit. It's everywhere.

It's even on the ceiling. I just looked inside the door. I'm like, how the fuck? Why? Why the fuck are you putting poop on the ceiling? It's going to drip on you, idiot. It's like the Manson family's retarded siblings. Yeah. I was so pissed.

So I went in there. I'm like, so where do you shit? And then the guy's like, oh, we don't have a bathroom. Same line. I'm like, yeah, probably in the coffee. Tastes like, shit. No, don't go there. It's this tiny little town with one fucking grocery store. Fuck that place. Fuck that island. Okay.

One billion people on earth. It's still defecate in the open. The more people have access to cell phones than have access to toilets. Think about that. That's horrifying. Not enough toilets is a big problem.

Women and girls spend 90... Let me make this relatable for you, Maddox. Women and girls spend 97 billion hours looking for somewhere to go to the bathroom. All that time is time they could be spending watching your YouTube videos. Oh, that's true. That's true.

Is that per woman? Yes. Yes. Every day, every woman... spends 97 billion hours. Hey, I got three little words for you. I knew he'd say yes. Yeah.

Hey, guys, pop a squat. Huh? Ladies? Well, see, here's doing people to pop a set. Here's the problem. The reason they're doing this is because they're trying to stay away from sexual predators. They're trying to find a spot where they can use the restroom because you're vulnerable when you go to the bathroom.

You're sitting in that stall taking a deuce. There's a moment there where someone could just come in and grab your pants in the stall. tear your pants off and then they have your wallet what are you going to do chase them you're going to run out of the bathroom chasing them with no pants it's a perfect crime go to the airport you've you've thought about this as well if I was going to be a criminal I would totally rob people

while they're taking a shit that's why you should always take a shit running at full speed sure you can pretend to be the bathroom attendant right oh sir right this way that's the perfect alibi you grab their pants throw them in the trash then you put your You like, I don't know, put some kind of sneaky burglar gloves on. The guy runs out.

The guy went that. He ran out of the restroom with your pants. Point him that way. Look, it's very vulnerable going to the bathroom. That's all I'm saying. I agree with you. I just want to point out that it's interesting to me that you both have independently thought

a great time to rob someone would be while they were on the toilet. You both thought that at different points in time. It's just interesting to me. Is that not a normal thing to think? I've never thought about it. You never thought about that? Because here's the best time to rob someone. Asteroos, if you...

Be while they were going number two. If you want to be prepared, you have to think of the scenarios. Yeah, exactly. Uh-huh. All right. That's why Dick did it too, right? What? To be prepared.

You always have to be prepared. You're a Boy Scout. That's what they teach you. What badge do they take? You get a badge for that. So you get a merit badge for figuring out ways to rob people on the toilet? Yeah, it's the psychopathy badge. Oh, okay.

Well, I didn't get that badge. No. The fuck was that? It's a good reference to something. It sounded smart. I don't know. Psychopathy, psychopathy. Oh, what, is someone fart into a microphone?

Might as well have. What happened? Did I do something? Well, I hope you would know. I have no idea what's going on. It's fine. Fucking Maddox. Poor sanitation increases the risk of disease, malnutrition,

especially for women and children. God. I don't know why. That's just what they say. diarrhea let's see hey guys the second biggest killer of children in developing countries is diarrhea

diarrhea and that's obviously shitting in the open is a huge cause of diarrhea diarrhea is a big so like poop poop related issues it's like a big problem that's like the Oregon Trail out there oh yeah exactly dysentery you're dead

do you know anything about butt problems do you have any Any comments on that, Maddox? No, I got a real solid gut. I never have any butt problems. Okay. My butt works just fine. Although, uh, what?

What? Why are you guys giggling? I clue us in. Somebody just say what happened. I think Maddox farted big time. Oh. Yeah, it was a pretty big fart. Not enough bathrooms.

Big problem. Voted up, guys. Dick, I'm with you. Now you agree with it. Now that it directly affects you. Oh, it affects all of us. a minute, buddy. Oh no! God damn it! We gotta get out of here. It's destroying our cities too. What? How? People pissing in the cities, listen to this. There was a dude in San Francisco, was driving down the street one day, maybe going to an anti-gun gay parade or something like that.

I don't know where he was going. They didn't say. It's a pretty packed parade. A gay parade. Anti-gun gay parade. I don't know. Against global warming. Yeah, probably. Then all a sudden, a street light falls on his car while he's driving and totals it. No back street. No backseat driving the world could prevent that, right? A streetlight falling on your car? Oh, maybe. You say, hey, pay attention off texting. Yeah, I'll grab the wheel.

I'll save you. Well, it turns out the street light had become so corroded because bums were pissing on it that it just dropped right on the guy's car. Okay. So our infrastructure is falling. Things, roads could be falling apart. Bridges could be falling apart because of guys pissing on them. Dick, I was going to mention this because I see this as a big problem,

but not from humans, but from dogs. Because I walk around everywhere. Look, here's the thing. In Hollywood, everyone is fucking obsessed with their dogs. They have dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, everywhere dogs. They carry them with them to grocery stores, to department stores, to restaurants, to the doctor's office. Oh, I got to carry my poodle with me. You know, because everyone is too emotionally fragile and they need their comfort animals with them.

It's disgusting. Yeah. And then those dogs are always the ones pissing all over posts and signs and lamps and things like that. Not, bum's going to alleys. Uh, no, bombs go right. Bums don't have a lot of shame, man. You've been to San Francisco, one time I saw a guy peeing into a baby carriage. I'm absolutely not kidding.

Why didn't you say hi? Well, I was there, so yes. Yeah. That was me, buddy. Why didn't you say hi to me? Oh, I would have said that. We could have gone to the tenderloin and hung out. I have to agree with, I got to agree with all this.

Look, here's what needs to happen. There's what needs to happen. There needs to be some kind of innovation in the field of pay toilets in big cities. Okay? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Well, there is. Are you going to talk about that?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. In London and Tokyo, they have pay bathrooms, and you pay a premium for it because they're really clean. They're kept up. They're really nice. They're private.

And they're in the middle of the urban environments that you need to use a restroom. You pay a dollar or two, you go in there, you use it, you leave, and someone goes in there and cleans up after you. It's wonderful. It's a really good system. That sounds great. I don't know why it doesn't work here. You spend some time in Japan in Tokyo, right? They have these restrooms, right?

Yeah, and it's exactly as you describe, you pay and you use the restroom, and it's really incredibly clean and really nice. Have you ever used one? I have... Number one or number two? Both. Okay. And I highly recommend the talking... The talking toilets that are super great, the super toilet.

What do the talking toilets say? The super toilets, it's like a bidet and then it like sings to you to cover up all of your like splashy poopy noises or whatever. All right. I'm going to make some noises right now. Sing the song. No, no, no, no, no. There's no specific song. Like sometimes like it's birds chirping or the sound of like a brook. It's really lovely.

But the worst part is squatty potty. Those are gross. So those are always discussed. Oh, you're not a fan of Squatty potty? They're absolutely revolting. You know what, though? Those are the most hygienic they found. They are.

Dick, have you ever, I was going to ask you about this, have you ever used a squatter, you know, just a hole in the ground? A hole in the ground to shit in? Yes, I've done that. What do you think of those? I find it to be undignified. Okay. I would like to sit on a toilet like a man.

I'm curious. I want my legs to go numb when I take a shit. Sure. All right? Yeah. I don't want to shit like an animal. I don't know, man. I think it's kind of efficient.

It's like, you know, I'm about efficiency. Yeah. And there's no. It's very efficient. Believe me. The hole? What's the most efficient thing just to wear an adult diaper everywhere? Like that astronaut lady?

He should just get a colostomy bag and be done with it. Yeah, Mr. Efficiency. See, that's the Linux of bathrooms. It's a colostomy bag. You know what, Sean? Correct. I will get a colostomy bag. That's a brilliant idea, asshole.

I will. It's also a brilliant idea for your asshole. I'm sorry. Let's move on. I'll throw that bag at you too. Oh, my lord. You know what? Oh, that gives you an offensive weapon you can carry around at any time.

And also, how cool would it be to look someone directly in their eyes while you're taking a shit? Okay, wait, I have stats on that. God damn. Oh, I'm so happy to hear this. In London, in London, somebody built toilets with one-way mirrors in them, where the mirrors would become one-way and you could look, is that way, is it called a two-way mirror or a one-way mirror? Okay, a one-way mirror where you're sitting on the toilet and you're basic, you feel like you're totally out in the open. You can see everything around you, but nobody can see in.

That sounds like a mess. So they say. I would call that a misdurbatorium. I'd like to bring up, there was another bar in London where in the women's bathroom, not in the toilets, but like where the women could put on makeup, like above the sinks, there was one way mirror. And businessmen could pay a bunch of money just watch all these like hot girls do their makeup and talk and chat and all that. And the women didn't know about it. You sound way too excited for this anecdote. Well, I'm just saying it's one of my dreams.

But it's just like, isn't that, that's creepy as hell? Yeah. Crazy. Yeah. That's my stats. Good stats. Good stats. I like it.

I used a squatter one time. So I've used it in different countries. And one time I used one and it was so gross. This particular one was pretty gross. Because it was just literally a hole in the ground that went right into the sewage system. And you could look down and the light was right overhead. So it, it shined. like a spotlight right down the hole

and you could just see a stream of sewage going right down below you. I saw, I looked down, I saw toilet paper, I saw neighbors poop. I saw everything, everything. No, I mean, nope. A couple gerbils. A food baby? A food baby for sure. Perhaps.

Yeah. All right, look, it's a big problem. Come on, more people have access to mobile phones and have toilets. We can't have people running, people running, spending 97 billion hours of their lives looking for toilets. That's ridiculous. I don't think anyone disagrees with you. I think that is a big problem.

Good. Isn't part of your problem just, you know, proper sanitation or sanitary conditions? It's not the third world and stuff. It's not enough toilets. There's not enough toilets. I don't, you know what? Go grab some toilets around Silver Lake. Fly them to Africa.

Set the toilets in the middle of the serengeti and just let someone build some plumbing onto it. That's all I'm saying. I just want the toilets to be there so someone will hook them up. If you bring the toilets, the infrastructure will come. Got it. I'm sure of that. Makes perfect sense. Thank you.

You're not going to waste just a bunch of sitting shitters, right? They're going to be curious. They're going to want to know what these things are. You know what? Speaking of a great idea, today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code Biggest Problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Serious, have you used your holiday kit at all that we gave you? This is hot, smooth shave I've got here?

Say yes. Yeah. Yeah, because I use Harry's razors. No, actually, look, I love that kit that you guys gave me. It's the second kit you guys have given me. And again, it's the only grown-up thing I do is shave with that kit. Like, everything else I do is like such a fucking big kid. But like, when I shave with that kid, I'm like, oh, I'm a fucking grown-up.

This is nice. Well, it's a great shave, and it feels great to do. It's German engineered, five blade cartridges, close, a comfort shave, no cuts or burns, quality guaranteed. There's a full refund if you're not. not happy. So if you get this blade and you don't like it, you don't like the way it feels on your face, right? Because it's very important, the feel of the blade

on your face. It's very important. If you don't like the way it feels, the quality is guaranteed. Full refund, if you're not happy. Where else, where can you get that? Harry's takes care of you. Yeah, you can't buy a car and take it back if you're not happy. I think there are anti-lemon laws. Well, if it's a lemon. If it's a lemon, yeah.

Harris doesn't sell you lemons. Yeah, of course not. They sell you a clean shave. You're going to preach. You're going to like the way you feel. I'm looking forward to that getting cut out of the podcast. Which part? None of it. No,

no. It's all thing. Let me just say this. Like, before I used Harry's razors, I would just use, I don't know, crappy razors I'd buy CVS or whatever.

And, like, the problem of those crappy razors is that, like, you know, use them a couple of times. They get all, you know, clogged up with gunk. You got to throw them away. These Harry's razors,

I've noticed, they rinse out, like, so easily. It's like, yeah, Sean's nodding. It's like every time. I actually do. I notice that too. They do? Yeah, it's like every time I rinse it out, it looks like a brand new razor.

Like, I don't have to hammer it on this thing. Like I'm trying to get sand out of my shoe after coming back from the beach. It's like slick right out. Yeah, exactly. Usually the five-blade ones clog up too because they're so close together, but these don't. Yeah. Well, these Harry's razors are great. Go to Harries.com, use promo code biggest problem to get $5 at first purchase.

Thank you. Thank you for supporting the show, guys. Really appreciate it. And I should say this too. Harry sent me a postcard for Christmas. Oh, that's nice. They just said thanks for supporting the show. Thanks for all that you do.

And thank you as well for supporting our show. We really appreciate it, guys. I get a fucking card. Yeah. Was it address to you both? No. No. It was just a matter.

Yeah. Interesting. Okay. Well, I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't. Write my own card then. All right. I'll write you a postcard, dude.

No, it's too late. Okay. Asterios. I got a problem. What is it? All right. I think this is probably another problem that we're not going to disagree on. Last call.

at bars. Oh, last call. I'm leaving. Yeah, because we're done. It's the biggest problem in the universe. That's the biggest problem in the universe. Yeah, exactly. Now look, I'll bring up some stats or whatever, but I think it's just really fucking annoying. Like, you're talking to some girl, you're hitting it off, you know, she's not quite drunk enough yet to, you know, kind of look past your face or body. And then all of a sudden, it's 1.50 p.m., and she gets out of there. I ran out of time with this chick. I need more time, God damn it.

Yeah. Sure. I was nervous. That's on you, but that's on you though, buddy. I stopped going. I blame bars. Nothing I do is my fault. The end.

Yeah, I'm with you. I guess there's that. Everything you said. No, I stopped going to drink dates with women. What? Yeah, this is the theory of mine. How do you date girls then?

Well, I take them to brunch or lunch, and it's a much better date, and I'll tell you why. You know what? I'm not going to go into all the details. Look, man. Drink dates. I'm not going to, no, drink dates are awful, and here's why.

Okay. You go, you meet the girl at, say, 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, whatever for drinks, and it puts an artificial time limit on the date. I've gone on dates that have lasted like five, six hours, and we ended up hooking up that night, and then hung out the next day and went to the beach and all this other shit. Those are fun dates, and those are all ones that started earlier, because at night, at 9 o'clock, you know that Cinderella's got to get back home in her carriage, so TikTok. What time? At night.

Usually midnight, the date wraps up, or even last call, and it's like, oh, well, should I, should die? I don't know. You have that artificial time limit going. Yeah, but that's a pretty big artificial limit. Five hours? Well, it depends. Sometimes it's not five hours because they got to wake up early the next day, too.

Well, here's a, okay, let me ask you this. Here's a little problem with your brunch dates. It relegates all your dating to the weekend. No. Depends on the type of women. depends on what they do for living. Okay. So if they don't have a job,

then your brunch dates really perfecto. Yeah. But have you dating like a professional woman. I have done a brunch date in the morning and a lunch date in the afternoon and an early dinner date all in the same day before. That sounds like a fucking nightmare to me. Three dates and one day.

I was full. One, man, one date and not ready to blow me. my brain's out. Yeah, did you have a delicious shake for dinner? No, I ended up dating one of the girls. She was very lovely. We went out a couple times and, yeah. Okay.

Let me just tell you, just the flip side of it, sort of how inept I am. There is a girl who I was interested in, but she's an alcoholic, and so I can't go out for a drink with her. So last date really sucks. Last call really sucks. Yeah, so I was just like, I can't,

I don't know how I would ask this girl out. I give up. I was just like, but if I can't get a drink with her, what would I do? And then I was like, too hard. I'm tapping out. Oh, man. Bowling? Anything.

Horse race, bowling. Bowling. I'll figure it out later. Laser tag. Go to a comic store. I don't know. What kind of girls are you dating here? What did she like?

Dick, this is some real backhanded comments that Dick is making laser tag comic books. Those are all cool things. Yeah. Wait, was he insulting me? God damn it! I love laser tag and catalog books stories and bowling. We know, buddy. That's not an insult. If you like those things. Dick, have you ever gotten laser tag with a girl on a date? Oh, no. No. Why not? It sounds cool. No, I, well, laser tag sounds like a horrible thing to me. You could show how good of a shot you are. You could beat a bunch of

12 year olds. Yeah. Doesn't that sound cool? Um, no. On a first, I don't know, man. Like, here's the thing. That's something you do once you're in the relationship because then you're bored and you're sitting around like hey. Also no. Yeah, okay. Okay. Now, you make a good point, Dick. Well, let me talk about last call. Yeah, please.

We've got so far afield. I want to help you with where to take women, though. Because I'm sure that's a big, that's probably a bigger problem to a lot of people than last call. I'll take any advice you can give me as to where to take girls. I don't know what to do. Tite flying. kite flying. Go to the beach and fly kite.

tight, it's super fun. Yeah, there you go. That's a good one. Go to the dollar store. Chicks love the dollar store. Actually true. Maybe you can pick out five, five of the finest things here. Pick out five toys.

Yeah. We'll get them a jumbo Snickers bar. Christmas ornaments in January. Glue, a big bottle of non-Elmers glue. Oh yeah, man. A glue label that I've never seen before. Glue the shit out of things. A four pack of duct tape.

Felmer's glue. Some soap. They got great soap at the dollar store. They love this stuff. They love shopping at the dollar store. Listen to dick. Here's how gullible I am. I'm probably going to do this.

Do it. And you're going to get a text saying thanks for nothing. Great. She had a terrible time. This alcoholic chick I took to the dollar store. Well, moving on. So I figured that out, though. I figured that out for you.

So you said she's an alcoholic. So you take her to a bar. And for every drink you order, you order two for her. I don't want a cause of relapse. Oh, oh. I feel like if she's going out with me, she's already hit. bottom. So, but all right, let's talk about last call. I thought you meant current. Let's talk about last call. So when to that, look, you know what? I don't even need that many stats.

Just think about it like this. All right. You know, I had to go to driver school once because I got a ticket. I was told that on Friday and Saturday nights, one in three drivers in Los Angeles is legally drunk. One in three drivers in L.A. is legally drunk. So. Legally. Yeah. Yeah. Well, think about this. If all those drivers are on the road at the same time, then, A, they're either going to cause a lot of accidents and death, but B, it's like a shooting gallery for the cops. They know the exact time that all the drunks are on the road. And so if you've had a couple to drink, you get out of the bar, they catch you, your pop $10,000, game over.

That's terrible. I'm sort of with you on that. Mr. Slick, what do you think? Well, I think having a last call encourages people to get shit-faced. Yeah. I think it makes drunk driving a lot worse. Yeah. I don't have any stats to back that out.

But I think as that number lowers from like 4 a.m. to 2 a.m. 1 a.m. Like you go to London. What's last call in London? Well, here's... 11 p.m. or something ridiculous. It used to be 11 p.m. But in 2005, the British government passed a thing called the Licensing Act. It's probably the only good thing Tony Blair did, which let bars stay open for 24 hours. Now, because that happened, alcohol consumption per person fell 17%. And violent crime was down 40%. Fewer been.

drinkers, less fights, because there was, because a bunch of unleashing them on the popular, yeah. A bunch of drunks didn't go streaming out of bars, angry they couldn't drink anymore, frustrated that they couldn't get late and get into a bunch of fistfights. Can't find a cab, can't get to the Uber's are like surcharged

up the airs of two. No, that's, there's a lot of wisdom in that. Yeah, this artificial time limit isn't just bad for dates and dating and getting laid, but also just for social life and drinking and driving and all of these problems that arise from it, Yeah, look, man, America needs to follow in Europe's footsteps when it comes to alcohol.

Absolutely. When it comes to alcohol. How about when it comes to last call? Wait a minute, don't they have a very, very early last call in Europe? Depends on where you go. But in most places, first of all, the legal drinking age is a lot lower. So kids have started drinking when they're 16, and when they get to college, they're not binge drinking. They don't give a shit about alcohol because they know it's always been around.

They're like, yeah, we can have a wine if we want or whatever. Yeah, it's not this like fetishized thing where it's, you know, it's like if your parents tell you not to go out with this girl, it's all you're going to think about. Sure. Like, you know, if someone says don't touch, you know, don't touch that. Of course you're going to want to touch it. It's like, you know, kids, you know, kids in Greece or in France who've just, you know, had a glass of wine or whatever, you know, they're like when they get old enough, it's not like this thing that they overdo. Yeah, it's been socialized and it's not this big taboo thing that they're waiting. Well, yeah, but I also love real partying.

getting shit-faced. Like, I don't know if being exposed to alcohol at a younger age would make me not want to party my shit off in college. It's also that thing where people who are sexually repressed when they finally do hit it. I know. Right? They go nuts.

Yeah. They go nuts. They overdo it. It's anything that you repress so much that you finally have a little taste of and then you go overboard with. If it's something that's slowly introduced, yeah, okay. It's nobody. big deal. I get it. It's kind of like

candy as a kid. It was a big fucking deal. Oh, Halloween, here it comes. I'm going to get as much as I can in my pillowcase and go home and eat it and all and get building cavities and be a fat ass. But now as an adult, I can get candy anytime I want. Sometimes I just bite and throw it away in front of kids. I'm like, yeah, this is what I can do as an adult.

Take a girl on that date. Buy candy and throw it away in front of kids. That actually sounds pretty cool. That's how you'll meet your soulmate. You just do what you do your secret desires and see if she's into it. And I keep walking. I'll go to the dollar store. I'll go to the dollar store, get a bunch of off-brand knock-off candy like swicks or flickers bars.

Yeah. Throw it away right in front of kids. And if the chick's into it, I found my soulmate. Maddox, you mentioned America. Yes. And I'm glad you did. Because last call is very offensive to my libertarian sensibilities. It absolutely is.

It's about freedom, quite frankly. We should be rioting in the streets about this. The government does not tell me when to stop. drinking. Only the police do that. So I heard an interesting anecdote. I don't know as serious if you told it to me or Dick you told it to me, but I heard the last call was invented. It kind of came about in World War II because people wanted their factory workers to not be hung over the next day. So they imposed the last call so people would stop drinking and then get a good night's rest so they could continue making bombs or missiles the next day.

So it's Hitler's false. So last call is Hitler's fault. So that should tell you everything you need to know about last call. Yeah. Yeah, it should. And just one last thing, like, just the disparity of last call laws is kind of ridiculous. Like, for example, you know, in Nevada, bars can stay open 24 hours. New York can stay open to stay open to 4 a.m.

If you are unlucky enough to have been born in Mississippi, it can be midnight. In Delaware, it's 12.45 a.m. just like a luck of the, like, The roll of the dice as to where you're born determines, like, how late you can stay out and party and have fun. And in Louisiana, all right, well, there's no set statewide closing time. Bars can remain open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, unless you're a city that has between 51 and 57,000 people in it, in which case, a local ordinance can be passed that mandates that bars close sooner than 24 hours. It's like all these little tiny, stupid laws that affect how much fun we have.

In Utah, the Zion Curtain. Can you explain what that is? Yeah, I mentioned this in the Utah episode. When I brought in Utah as a problem, there's this thing called the Zion Curtain that Utah legislators started to impose on restaurants. They said that if you had a liquor license, which is also difficult to come by, but if you do, you had to create, you had to mix any cocktails behind this kind of like a shaded glass wall. Like a glass, you know, kind of like a frosted glass curtain or either an actual fabric curtain or glass that's frosted. And you had to make the drinks back there before you brought them out into the open so that the impressionable young eyes of children don't see the alcohol and then become alcoholics because they saw you mixing a fucking drink that they don't even know what's in it. Oh, that's not why we're alcohol.

Yeah, wow. And you're not allowed, and in Utah, like you were, until very recently, you weren't allowed to serve alcohol before someone ordered their dinner. Yes, there's some ridiculous, stupid laws. I wish that, you know, I mean, that does sound kind of nice sometimes. What? You know, you don't, you haven't eaten. You need the government to stop you from ordering drinks too fast? I'm not saying, I'm saying.

Is that what you want? You want the nanny state? I'm saying probably more than 50% of the time. If I'm drinking before dinner, I say, oh man, I wish I wouldn't have had three of those before dinner because I'm getting a little loopy here. You don't just drink instead of eating dinner? Yeah, that's called a liquor loop. Yeah, exactly. That's when you go out of liquor loop.

Yeah, that's what I do. I conserve my calories for alcohol. You know, I really hate about last call is the bartenders and the wait staff, like they start getting antsy at like 115, you know, and they feel, because our last call in California is the two. And you can see them start wrapping up. Like you can see them ending the party. And it turns into this tug of war where you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're still having a good time. We want a party right up until 150. or God forbid too, right? Like, God forbid we get kicked out of here at actual last call. But especially in like chain restaurants. Yeah. Like the big ones. You know, I really hate the atmosphere after 1-15.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like the party died because everyone's trying to get to the next, everyone's trying to get to a house party where they can drink. You know, everybody splits. There's speakeasies. Oh, and that's the worst, man. Speak-easies. And then people are rushing and there's that big-ass line at the grocery store

and not enough tellers because everything's, move to fucking automated checker, checkstands, and you can't buy alcohol at those dick. With an automated checkstand. Yeah. Exactly. I've been online at Ralph's on a long, long line to buy alcohol. Ralph's the grocery store in California.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, Ralph's a grocery store. Anyway, who hasn't seen the Big Lobowski. Yeah. And I've been online, like a long, long line at 150, and I remember the teller was like, anyone that I don't ring up by 2 o'clock, the computer will not let me sell you alcohol, period.

Right. And it's like, what's 2 minutes? Is 2 minutes can you kill somebody? And I mean, you know, finally, I guess the last thing I'll say about last call is like, think about this. If you're a bartender, if you're a waitress, it cuts in your hours. Like, if you could work until 4am, 5am, 6am, keep pulling tips, you know, keep serving drinks and all that. He'd make more money. It'd help the economy.

The restaurants would make more money. The servers would make more money ever to make more money. It'd be better for everybody. Vote Asteroos 2016. That's his plan for reinvigorating the economy. Oh, that's what Tony Blair did, by the way, in 2000. in 2001, he sent out a text message like right before the election that was like,

don't forget, if you vote for me, I'll, in Paul and Post, I'll have 24-hour drinking and everybody voted for him. It was like one of the ones... And did he? Yes, exactly. It was one of the most brilliant political maneuvers of all time. Bravo.

I think you just predicted a Trump tweet. Oh, my God. I'm like November 3rd. I might actually vote for Trump. I'd be like, well, that directly affects my life. So I'm going to vote for you. Yeah, but I can see Trump also. adding something to the tweet like,

uh, if you do, if you have a wheelchair, uh, try to get to the, uh, you might, you might not be able to make it in time.

Uh, anyway. Uh, wait, so he's tweeting the word, duh. Yeah. Okay.

I gotta follow this guy. Have you seen his tweets? I haven't. I just not. There's this website. It's like fake Donald Trump tweets. And I swear to God, I have to double check and see if these are real or not.

I, every single, every single one, I'm like, yeah, I can see him saying this. I bet they're all actually. I bet the joke is they're all real.

Oh, yeah, they might be. They might be. We should follow him. Speaking, yeah, I will not. Speaking of invigorating the economy, I got a solution for you. I got a real biggest problem in the universe, rather. I got a real biggest problem. It is lottery winners.

Yeah, lottery winners. Oh, you're talking to one. You won a lottery winner? Okay, so we just... The big power ball, that 1.5 billion? Yeah, you won? I won four bucks. Okay.

I'm a lottery winner. I did. Didn't you win $8? playing that lot of? You bet your ass I did. Okay, so you got two? Did you win anything? No, I lost. Did you play? Yeah, I lost $4. You only bought two tickets? Yeah. What a sucker. What a sucker.

How did you even have $4? How many? What a moron. Did you have four single dollars in your wallet? Dumb shit. Yeah, I went to Cheetahs, asshole, if you must know. I went to Cheetahs. And I got a fucking lap dance from a woman named Hot Wheels. And you got a change? I got a lap dance from a woman named Hot Wheels. You wanted know why she's named Hot Wheels? Because she's a forward Junior Olympic roller skating champion, and she roller skates around the stage

in a bikini, and she does all these pirouettes around the goddamn pole, and she's fantastic. I don't like the backs. I don't like stripper backstores. Go. That sounds good. Did you win anything? It sounds like she roller skated into your heart, buddy. Oh, I'm still.

Yeah. Hot Wheels, if you're out there, say hi to me. She's probably a listener to the show. But anyway, guys, back to lottery winners. Okay. This is a real biggest problem. Now, I chose lottery winners and not the lottery. Yeah.

Because the lotter's your choice, right? Yeah. Because it was weird. Yeah. What was weird. Wait, real quick question. How many lottery tickets did you buy for the Powerball? 20 bucks worth.

So you lost $16? Yeah. Okay, so I only lost $4.00. Well, no, technically I lost $36 because I also played the week before. Okay. So I only lost $4 and I'm a sucker. I just want to clarify. Yeah, man.

I had a lot of fun thinking about all, thinking about all the bridges I would burn with my $100 million. I was thinking about like unfriending all my, like all these people. You can do that now. You don't have to be rich to cut assholes out of your life. I know, but you need to replace friends with money.

Yeah. You do. You're at least purchasing the fantasy. Of what? Unfriending people? Yeah. Of like doing whatever you would do. So I'm dumb because I only bought four dollars worth of fantasy. I should have bought more. Yes. Yes. More. Dom. Yeah. Dumb. Asterios.

Dom. You're less likely to win. Yeah, you lost. You missed out, dude. Wait, so instead of my odds being one in 1.7 billion? Two. Two in one point seven billion? No, it's two and like two hundred and two hundred.

It's two hundred ninety two million. Yeah. You would have been four or ten. Ten. Ten. And then I bought a secret lottery ticket on the way home. Like a, like a boot holster. You know, like a boot, like a secret gun in my boot.

So I checked the first ten. I checked the first ten. No, those are losers now. Let's go for the boot pistol. Yeah, pull this bitch out. You're a holdout weapon. All right, so so far, my advice is to take girls to the dollar store and buy us many lottery tickets. You know what?

Do that? Lottery ticket. Go to a scro get a scratcher on a date. Go get some scratchers and say, we're going to split everything right now and then you're buying dinner with the winnings. No, no, let me tell you, let me tell you for real. All right, what are you're trying to, if you're trying to woo a woman. And you're, you know, a lot of these guys are in a position where they're trying to woo her, right? Where a lot of questions I get from guys are like this,

where they think she's on the fence, maybe she's leaning away, which is normal. Because, you know, chicks have to lean back and get a gauge on you, right? Like, they need to judge you as a man to see if you're worth investing their time in, right? Okay. This is the dynamics of dating, right? So to get them to stick around,

you buy a lottery ticket together on your date, right? And then you're, well, you know, the drawing isn't until Saturday. So you got an excuse to talk to her on Saturday, right? I have a question, what if I win the lottery? Oh, then you just never call her again. You block her, you know, change your name. You could get a whole new identity with Powerball winnings. I have a lot to learn.

This is really cool. Dick, this actually is like the smartest thing I think you've ever said. And only cost two bucks. Correct? All you need is $2 in the dream. Really smart. Yeah. All right.

Guys, back to lottery winners. You've heard of the stereotypes of lottery winners, right? losing all their money and going bankrupt. But I, for one, think that lottery winners are great people who are very handsome and successful and wise. They definitely know the best way to spend their money as evidence by their purchase of lottery tickets. Is this another iTunes?

No, no, no, Sean. Look, I'd just like to say that I put forth a humble suggestion that if any of our listeners are lottery winners that you invest in, yours truly, might I suggest a small contribution of $800,000 to Maddox Empire to further my agenda to educate the masses? My goal is to diminish the influence of lesser minds in our lives, and I'll do that with your money. Wait, are you shilling to the Powerball guy? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, correct. That's all I'm doing right now.

Why'd you bring him in as a problem then? Well, because they're problems, and I'll tell you why. First, let's talk about the odds, though, right? In New York Times, they just released this. They said the odds of being struck by lightning this year are one in 1.1.9. $219 million, making it about 246 times as likely as winning the powerball jackpot. That means you have 246 times more of a chance of getting struck by lightning than winning the lottery.

With an estimated 1 in 12,500 chance, an amateur golfer is about 23,000 times as likely to make a hole in one. So if you became a golfer, and he just struck a ball, you have a 23,000 time higher probability to make a hole in one. You'd have to be a kind of a good golfer, though. You can't just walk out there. Not true. There's a lot of dumb luck in those.

A lot of hacks. Really? People running up like Happy Gilmore and just swatting at it, like they're chopping down a tree, holding one. Well, Happy Gilmore had a lot of hockey experience. I mean, you have to admit. It sounds like you're, all right, these are statistics for the lottery, though. Yeah, it sounds like you're bringing in the lottery. No, no, no, I'm getting to that. I'm getting to that.

Okay. So I just looked into the odds first to see, uh, the, to set up the psychology of somebody who would buy one of these tickets. Like you, you bought a bunch of lottery tickets. Yeah, it's awesome. I spent the same as Dick. I mean, I did a little bit better, actually. No, I spent two more bucks than you because I got that secret one.

Oh, that's right. Because that's the one that God doesn't know about. You guys are so proud of wasting money on the lottery. Oh, yes. $22 is the bare minimum of money that I've wasted. Are you kidding? What's the most money you've ever wasted in one go? I'd want to watch.

How much is your watch? It's a nice watch. I don't know what a nice watch costs. Like three grand. Why would you spend three grand on a watch? Because it's awesome. Is it? It just tells the time, man.

Oh, it's heavy. You don't even wear it. I've never even seen you wear a watch. I don't have it on right now. No, I've never seen you wear a watch. I've known you for years. I don't know what to tell you. Take a better look at what's sitting across from you sometime, man.

There's that beautiful watch. I never see that watch. I never see that watch. Oh, you should see chicks light up when they feel like, oh my God. Is this real? You not only... It's so heavy. They love it. They love it.

Dick, you're not only not wearing the watch now, but you don't even have the tan mark of wearing a watch. It sounds like he only wears on a special case. It's a $3,000 watch. Well, is that true? Do you only wear it to like special dinners and things like that? No. I wear it whenever I go out. I mean, I wear it whenever I go outside and say watch. I don't like digging in my pocket for my cell phone like a child, like a millennial, to see the time. I like turning my wrist and seeing what the time is. All right. Well, uh, I don't know what to. tell you, Dick, you could have bought a lot of those watches with the money you could have won

from the Powerball. Oh, I would have got one, I would have got one of the watches that has meteors in the face. What are you talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a watch. It's got a meteor face. The face is it has meteorites. Oh, oh, it's made out of the meteor. It's made out of a meteor. How much does that watch cost? Like 20 grand, 25 grand? All right. Well, says there's a goal for you. A lot of things. Sell a lot of Mega Man comics. A lot of things to piss your money way on. There's an article in Time.com says, here's how winning the lottery makes you miserable.

So they're talking about there's all these articles coming out about people who've won the lottery. From time they said so many of them wind up unhappy or wind up broke. People have terrible things happen to them, says Don McNay, 56, a financial consultant to lottery winners and author of life lessons from the lottery. People commit suicide. People run through their money. Easy comes, easy goes. They go through divorce or people die.

And then there's an article in New York Daily News.com. It says, The Curse of the Lottery. tragic stories of big jackpot winners. And it says here, nearly 70% of lottery winners, and it broke within seven years. Oh, my gosh. Broke in seven years. How many?

What percent? 70 percent. I'm surprised it's that low. About three quarters. And it says, even worse, several winners have died tragically or witnessed those close to them suffer. And it says here, you would be blown away to see how many winners wish they'd never won, says Edward Yugel, author of Money for Nothing.

One of those unlucky winners was a guy named Abraham Shakespeare. Just weeks before Shakespeare was killed, he told his mother he wished he had never won. Shakespeare hit it big for $30 million in 2006, causing friends and family to hound him for money. So then he befriended, like all these fake people started showing up in his life, and he fell for one of them. Sounds like family is the problem. Yeah. Lottery winners, it sounds like another one of your problems is the problem. Yeah, man, go vote up families.

That's what I told you, man. Episode number one, that's what I brought in families. But he said he befriended a person named Dorese D.D. Moore, who tricked Shakespeare into believing he was trying to protect him, she was trying to protect him from greedy people around him. Moore convinced this poor guy that the lottery winner to transfer his... More convinced this poor guy to transfer his assets to her before he went missing in 2009. Then in 2012, she was sentenced to mandatory life without parole for his murder by a judge who called her cold, calculating, and cruel. This lady got this poor guy to transfer his funds to her And then killed him so she could keep it all

Sounds like women might be the problem Oh Wichy witchy women and their devious ways Those femme fatals Those yes Didi, what was her name? Dede Lichtenstein Dorese Dede Moore

So she's a triple D D DEE. So she's a triple D. Yeah That's a problem I just want to say I feel like the only hard statistic you've brought in for this is that 70% of lottery winners go broke.

I feel like the rest of this is like a lot of like, faff and story. It's just like all you need to say was it's 70% of the go broke. That's a huge fucking problem. If you win the lottery, you are almost guaranteed to lose everything you own.

That's a big problem. Right, right, right. But more than that, it's... What? You don't think that's a big problem? Losing everything you own, going completely bankrupt, Because you bought a piece of paper

They had a bunch of numbers on it one day? I don't think it's a big problem That you won the lottery And you don't know what you're doing With your life And it, like, what is it? Fuck your life up back to being somebody Who plays lottery?

I mean, what is, like, okay, a couple guys kill themselves. I don't know that's a big problem. Look, money can be chaos. All right? Money is power. Money is freedom. But money can also be chaotic.

If you suddenly get an injection of money, you don't know what to do with it it came in from nowhere and you suddenly sit there and you start to fantasize about the things that you could spend the money on, you're not apt to spending that wisely. You might buy things that are bad for you or you might invest it in some poor things. I mean, look, 70% of people are bad with money. That's what that tells me. And that's, and that's still, that's why I say it still seems low. Like, I would think, like, 99% of people are bad with money. But, 99% of people don't save. But, Dick, it's not just that they're bad with money. 70% of them

also get, I mean, this includes people who get killed, like this poor guy. He wasn't bad with money, per se. He just got killed. Murdered for their money. Okay, see, when you say get killed. People get murdered for shoes and rims, though, also. Like, it sounds like, it sounds like an idiot. Yeah, but it turns you into a big, well, look, granted the guy's an idiot, but it turns

you into a big target. I mean, you got all that money, that's like. And you lose friends, people always hit you up for money. It's going to change your life sometimes in ways that aren't good. There's another example here from this article. It says, David, I'm sorry, is winning the lottery the problem? No, lottery, no, lottery winners. Lottery winners are the problem.

Okay, but I'm getting to that. Okay. I'm getting to that. I'm getting to that. I want to read this other example. This guy named David Lee Edwards, he lived in human feces before his death. Edwards, a former drug addict and felon,

won $27 million in 2001 while unemployed in South Florida. He quickly blew through the money by purchasing a $1.6 million house in Palm Beach Gardens, three race horses, a fiber optics company, a lear jet, a limo business. Oh, cool. A $200,000 Lamborghini Diablo and a multitude of other luxuries. Then Edwards and his wife returned to drug use and had numerous run-ins with police for possession of crack cocaine, pills, and heroin. He lost all of his money in just a few years and ended up living in a storage shed surrounded by human feces.

I think crack did that to him, not money. Yeah, that's a guy with huge problems. Ever before he bought the tickets. Sure, sure. I mean, now he just, instead of living in like a 74 Dodge, he's living in a Lamborghini. Guine. I mean, it's... He had a nice fantasy week or month or however long he had that money. But doesn't that

seem like poetically just more terrible to like have had everything and lost it all? Like, I kind of, look, I don't give a shit. Okay. I'm no, I'm just saying like I don't feel anything for somebody who makes a shitload of money, then blows it all doing crack

and harassing the police and being a menace and then living in a storage shed like Howard Hughes with his own feces. Like, This is a lunatic. Okay. All right. Well, look, I'm not supposed to be talking about this guy.

I'm just saying, like, isn't it kind of better to have never had a taste of that good life if you're just going to end up somewhere worse? Absolutely, hysteria. I believe this. But it's an opinion. It's not a stat. It's just my opinion. If you disagree, you disagree.

No, I agree with that. If that were true, drugs wouldn't be so great. No. What do you mean? I'm sorry. Well, the high of this guy's crazy lifestyle was more important. to him than something more conservative, something that didn't involve violence and crack. People who are, people who become drug addicts are not happy people.

They're not people who are doing this because they're having a carefree lifestyle. You're talking to a guy who shits his pants because he drinks too much. You don't think I know that? Yeah, but this guy in particular, when sometimes people have this fantasy of winning lots of money and they think money's going to solve their problems. But this guy was depressed and had problems beforehand and he just won money. and all that did is maybe he gave him a little bit of joy in the interim, but the drugs finally eventually caught up with him.

This is the same logic that applies to like actors and actresses to me. Like they won the lottery, actors and actresses won the being famous lottery. It doesn't seem to, they still, the bad ones still seem to be drug addicted maniacs. You know, it seems like the same thing. It seems like now we're just paying attention to it because he's rich. I think it's a little different because actors and actresses work hard for it. So a lot of times. you're super hot like Cameron Diaz

and you just get promoted from an extra to the co-star of the mask. Cameron Diaz had a long career before that. Although I'm not a fan. Not a fan of Cameron Diaz. I wrote an article a long time ago where the happiest day in my life

was when Cameron Diaz broke her nose during a surfing accident. That was the happiest day of my life. Yeah, still, still a happiest day of my life. Just before I move on, real quick, you mentioned shitting in your pants. Yeah. Should I carry around like extra pants?

What, for yourself? Yeah. Or for me? No, for me. Like, should I, like, in the trunk or like, do you keep extra pants? Oh, no. No. Okay. Because I'm just, you know.

What are you getting at? What? You want to adopt that kind of drinking into your lifestyle? I'm on the way down. Here's what you do. Okay. All the fast food you get, just throw it in the passenger side of your car. Okay.

Then if an emergency hits you, you just grab some of those bags and sit on that. That's awesome. So you don't fuck up your car. Okay. That's great. A little dick tip for you. Thank you. Guys, I have an article here from New York Times.

You've never done that? I've never done that. Oh, man, you haven't lived. I might try to do both. I might try to keep a pair of pants in the trunk. Some trunk pants. No, that's because then you're admitting you have a problem. Okay.

Go, what's near your subject? Yeah, can we... I'm so sorry. We done? Yeah. Okay. I got an article here from New York Times. So some of these articles have gotten really snarky, like near the end,

as the powerball started to really gain speed and momentum. This one's from New York Times called You Will Not Win the Powerball Jackpot. Oh, God, okay. And I love the title. Opening so many eyes with that. No, it's funny. It's kind of like shitting on everyone.

It says, but keep in mind, your six numbers will not match and your finances will stay put minus $2. Most likely. Sorry. We would like to comfort you by pointing out that the odds of hitting the jackpot are $292 million, which are really, really bad odds. The odds of being struck by lightning, as I mentioned,

is 1.19 million. And then there was... Okay. I hate articles like that, and I hate the people who write them. Like, so then why do anything? Like, why do we spend money to do anything? It's all for entertainment.

Like, $2 for the amount of excitement you get, like, you might win the lottery, is probably the highest ratio of excitement to money on Earth. These smug pricks that write these articles about how you're so, it's a tax on the poor, you're so stupid that you don't know we're going to win. We all know that we're not going to win. It's that pretending for a couple days that is what makes it worth $2. Fuck you.

Yeah, I actually have to totally agree with that because I spend $4 on two lottery tickets and I kept them around in my wallet. And I was just so, so excited. I woke up the next day I couldn't wait to Google it. And actually, I had bought the ticket out of date. and like now it's this nice little memento. It's just like, oh, I got this cute little thing. It's like, oh, here's my numbers, here's her numbers.

It's like this cute little thing. It's like, why does everything have to be like such a fucking kill joy? No, no, no. It's not. It's just a game. You're just playing a dumb little game. It's a way better value than seeing a movie. Yeah.

Right. But here's the thing. I used to be one of these people who was adamantly opposed to the lottery. And in many ways I still am. But I get it. This argument has been made many times by many different people that it's entertainment for a couple I get it, fine. I don't have a problem with that.

You bought a bunch of lottery tickets. Of course. But the question is, why don't you play week to week? Is this just because of the jackpot amount? Is that what made you excited? No, I wanted to be like part of the zeitgeist. It was like, everyone was super excited about this powerball thing. I was like, well, fuck it, I'll do it too.

If you're talking about the lottery, you can't talk about your lottery ticket with your mom when it's not a gigantic jackpot. Because that's kind of sad. And it's like, what are you doing? Why are you not part of this collective thing that we're doing? Guys, I buy that argument. That's fine. I don't disagree.

So this one last article I want to mention, again, from New York Times. This is my favorite snarky article. It says, Dear Powerball winner, take our advice and take the annuity. So you have a choice when you win the Powerball. You can get a one lump sum payment, which a lot of people opt to do because they just want to go nuts with that money. But this New York Times article said, you know, again, they're talking about how you're not going to win it, but if you do, take the annuity.

And I got to read this. that says there are big tax advantages to the annuity. The main one is that taking the annuity is basically like letting the government hold on to part of your prize for a while and invest it for you, and the government does not pay tax on that investment income. Of course, once you get the annuity checks, you'll have to pay income tax on them, but if you take the lump sum cash prize, you'll pay tax twice. Once on the prize when you win it, and then once again on the income you get by investing it, which is a good point.

Then the article goes on and says, but if you don't want, excuse me, But what if you don't want an ultra-safe investment? I don't know about all your risk preferences, but I do know that you buy lottery tickets. So maybe you'd prefer to take the cash option and gamble in the stock market for higher average return. But this leads us to the biggest advantage of the annuity, protecting you from yourself.

And this is the root cause of the problem here and why I brought in lottery winners and not the lottery specifically, because the lottery winners are the problem. When they have all this money, there is no safeguard to protect them from themselves, and their own bad decisions. Wait, but how does that make them the problem?

Because they're making bad decisions. It says here, again, I don't know all about you, but I do know that you buy lottery tickets. So let's consider the possibility that you are not one of your generation's greatest financial minds. We all know this. Oh, give you. You're a fucking great.

You're a writer for a newspaper. You don't know shit about money. How much could you possibly make writing? What in paper was this? New York Times. New York Times. What do you make? 80,000 a year?

But how much of your life? Way less than that? 60,000? No, it's like $42,000 a year. You probably get paid by the word. Fuck you telling anybody what to do about money. You smug, asshole or bitch, either one. I don't know which it is.

It's probably a freelancer that guy paid $100. Yeah. You guys are awfully butt-hurt at this writer. It's so smug. Sometimes. It's real smug. Sometimes, of course it's smug. That's why it's hilarious and that's why I brought it in.

You're talking to the smuggest motherfucker in. universe. When you're smug, it's funnier than that. That's just, that's just dickish. Ah, well, I love it. It made me so happy reading that. See, he goes on and says, we all know the stories of people who win huge fortunes in the lottery and then lose them. The great thing about the annuity is that no matter what stupid choices you make this year, you'll have an enormous check waiting for you next year all the way until 2045. That's sound financial advice. You want to call this guy smug and stupid for working for the New York Times for earning a living wage? Okay, go ahead. But that's same.

down fucking advice. Protect you from yourself by taking the annuity, dickheads. And by the way... Well, why don't you just suggest that we ban all lotteries? If you're looking to protect people from themselves, the lottery is the problem. Exactly. Wouldn't that be the ultimate way to protect people from themselves? They should choose.

They should still have the choice. I'm for them having the choice to... Look, if you want to fuck up your life and take a bunch of money and go nuts with it and go broke in seven years, those are the statistics. You're way more likely to go broke after winning the lottery than any... at any other point in your life. Sure, that's fine. Look, there's a poetic irony to bring in lottery winners.

It's like, okay, careful what you wish for, because if you get it, it'll destroy you. When God seeks to punish him, any answers. What would you do if you won the lottery? If I won the lottery, I would tell absolutely nobody. Oh, that's weird. I would tell, I would just die and then a charity would get a huge check one day from the Boisterous Coconut's Foundation.

Shut up. The charity would get a huge check. after I spent a lot of it at Cheetahs. On Hot Wheels, huh? I wouldn't have Hot Wheels move in with me. Charity is Hot Wheels his friend. A strippers bank account charity, huh? Yeah.

Here's the thing. I looked into one of these cases of a lottery winner who didn't fuck up his life. There's this guy in, I believe, in Idaho or Colorado, he won the lottery. He won $220 million, some crazy amount. What he did is he first, you know, spent a... He didn't tell anybody for like two weeks

or a week or two weeks. He finally told his dad, and that's it. And then he sat there thinking about having all these fantasies about how he's going to spend it. Then finally, once he got done with all those fantasies, he decided to keep his feet planted to the ground. He hired a lawyer. He hired an accountant. He hired a public relations person. And then decided to invest the money to grow it.

And then he kept driving the same car he always drove. He bought a really expensive bicycle because he wanted a really nice high-end bike. But that's about it. He kept the same house he always had. And then he went to work for another year. because he enjoyed his job. Sometimes, Dick, people work because, not because of the money they make,

but because they enjoy what they do. Why are you directing how they make? Because you were shitting on this New York Times writer and teachers. Oh, they only make 42,000 a year. Well, people do things because they like it. That's not very much. Of course it's not very much,

but that's not the point. The point is people do things because they enjoy doing them. That's why they get paid so little because they get something beyond money for it. That's how economics work. It's a vocation. As a comedian, I don't get paid a lot of money.

Right. but I get a lot of joy out of it once a year. Right, right, right. And the rest of the time I can't hate myself. You would probably pay to be a comedian. I bet if a theater said, you know what? Every time you go up, you got to give us $20. They do that.

Those are called bringer shows. Comedians do that all the time. The only way you can perform is you bring five audience members and if they pay $10. Yeah, of course. A lot of comedians pay for it. In entertainment, people pay to be part of entertainment constantly. It's the scam of entertainment.

No, but criticizing this New York Times writer for giving financial advice. You're real butt heard about us criticizing this, Bitchy and your country writer. It's such a cheese dick move, man. Like, he's giving sound financial advice. I actually agree with this guy. Yeah, his tone is smug.

Wait a minute. Sound financial advice to people that he says are never going to need it. He starts that article by saying none of you, hey, everyone, I don't know if you can hear me from this giant pedestal I'm standing on so far above you. In this big glass house. Yeah, none of you are going to win. You're all stupid.

But here's some advice that applies to none of you. Statistically, yes. Don't you hate clickbait? In a rational mind, you call that hypocrisy. It's fucking clickbait. This is not clickbait. This is not clickbait. This article that came out during the week of the largest power ball jackpot of all times.

What's the headline called? What's the headline? It's news hysterios. This is the New York Times. What an asshole. You're talking about. You couldn't just bring in the lottery. You have to bring in some fucking tricky dick fucking weird.

Oh, goddamn cut the mustard. You sneaky Greek. That's what I said. I don't have. have a problem with the lottery. I used to I don't anymore. I thought about it and I thought you know what, Dick, your argument is pretty sound. A hundred percent correct.

Asterios, your argument is pretty sound. That's where you're looking for. No, it's not smart. Not weird. It's not, it's not some sort of huge stretch. I will give you reasonable. It is a cheap way to get, it's a cheap way to get an hour or two of entertainment. It's human. It's human. You get

three days worth of thinking about it, talking to friends about it. I'm going to keep that lottery check forever? I was really cool about that. When's the last time before this one that you invested in a lottery did? Two or three years ago, it got up to like 600 million or something like that.

Same with me. So once every two or three years. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, but that's once every two or three years. It's fun to talk about it every four years. But these huge jackpots that come along where everybody invests and has fun investing in, right?

They don't happen frequently enough for it to even matter. It's not like... I don't know how to qualify that. Well, you qualify it compared to movies. You compared it to movies. You said, Sean, you said a movie, It's a way better investment of your money for entertainment in terms of how much money you spend and how much entertainment you get. And I agree with that.

Society is like a tapestry of these events, though. Like these events in the zeitguise. But what other one is there like the lottery that you, because like you guys said, for the amount of money you invest, you don't get as much entertainment with anything else. There's nothing else like that. They're all different. That's the point. I was excited about that for months and months and months. And then I spent $18 on it.

I loved it. You hated it. I hated it. But I liked hating it. Yeah, exactly. It gave you a fun opinion to have after and it gives you water cooler talk. It's just like, I don't know what you're complaining about. Are you complaining about the idea that like sometimes you spend money on things that are fun but have no value? No, not at all.

Because you sell T-shirts that are, they're not a good investment, but they're fun. No, no, no, that's not, that's a strong-man argument. All I said is this New York Times article. Well, I wouldn't fuck if I only had a brain, for Christ's sakes. Why did you just tell me what, tell me what you're thinking? Specifically, again, this New York Times writer, well, you guys chat on him a lot for giving this financial advice. Yeah, fuck him.

Yeah. Fuck that guy. He hasn't. Why you, did you write this article? Maybe I did. Maybe I did. I bet he played the lottery, too. No, because I bet he fucking did.

Look, you can get sound financial. You can get sound financial advice. God damn. Maybe he did. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's irrelevant. Yeah.

People who spend money in the lottery are not doing it as a sound financial investment. Of course not. None of them think they are. No one's disputing that. We all had fun. Right. No one's disputing that. What's the problem?

The problem... That if you win the lottery, you have a $70% to go bankrupt? I agree. So it's a big problem for lottery winners. Correct. Okay. So if you win the lottery voted... Right?

It's a big problem for lottery winners. Winning the lottery... Is a problem for the people who want? Yeah. Yeah, potentially. Potentially, 70%. It sounds like, it's almost 7 and 10 chance. Yeah, yeah.

That's a few, there's not a lot of potential not to have that happen. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it's, it's kind of a bad thing. It's just a lot of the stats you're bringing in about how lotteries are shitty. And it's like, just say, you know, like a lottery. No, not a single, hold on. All I said, all I said here was that lotries are difficult to win. I didn't say that they're shitty.

I didn't disagree with your guys as assessment that for two or three dollars, it's a lot of entertainment. I give you that. I'm not disputing that. That's why I brought in specifically. Our arguing, we all agree. No, this tangent came about because you guys shat all over this guy. Yeah, he's an asshole. No, but I don't like it.

You shit on teachers for saying, I don't want someone who makes $40,000 you are teaching my kids about finances. I don't. That's irrelevant. How is it irrelevant? Because you don't need to make a lot of money to give good advice. Okay. It helps.

Look, I don't think we should shit on teachers. teachers either. Yeah, I don't know if it was... I don't know if that's called shitting on teachers. We're shitting on shit-eating bloggers who eat shit all the time. Yeah. This, I don't think this guy's covered in shit from all the shit they eat. And also, I think New York Times writers

make a lot more than that. Let's find out this guy's... Let's look it up right now. What's this guy's name? All right. Is there more for lottery winners? No, lottery winners. If I won the lottery... If I won the lottery... You get the annuity, obviously. You'd take this guy's sound financial advice? The annuity makes sense.

The $23-year-old. Lager got paid $100. Who doesn't have health insurance? Who's still in his mom's health insurance? Thanks, Obama. It's the New York Times. It's not some fucking fly-by-night magazine. Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute, Maddox.

All those papers exist to sell ads. You should hate them. All they do is write this shit to get clicked on so you look at the ads. None of it matters. There was a study a while back that, so when my first book came out, I had, I worked with a couple of different publicists. New York Time bestseller. I get it.

No, no. Oh, you're defending the old gray lady. I like the New York Times. I think that, look, whether or not I'm a New York Times bestseller is irrelevant. It's not like I have any association with them. I don't give a shit. I was also a Wall Street Journal bestseller. I was also a Reader's Digest bestseller.

I was a bestseller across everything. His dick is getting so hard. Look, I love myself. Reader's digest, really? Yeah, everything. All across the board. USA Today, I think. their bestseller list,

news week, they all have bestseller list. The only one anyone ever mentions is New York Times. What about News Macs? No. What about Brightbart.com? Yeah, were you on their bestseller list?

So, New York Times... The Blase. I'm out of it. New York Times, there was, look, I talked to a lot of publicists back in the day. And publicist's job is to place your

article, kind of like an ad for your book or your product, right? Dick, that insurance ad that you brought in last week, that was put in that magazine, in that newspaper by a publicist. I mean, I probably wasn't even a newspaper. Publicist. No, the telegraph is. Publicists.

But I don't know if it showed up in the newspaper, I'm saying. It's probably just online. The print one? I don't know. The publicist's job is to do that, to place these puff pieces into newspapers to get them a lot of traction. And basically it's like a stealthy ad for your product, right? And there was a study done a while back

where across the board, almost every single newspaper was susceptible to these PR pieces because publicists sometimes tried to do it in very stealthy ways. They'll hire a journalist to write this little piece for your product and then pitch it to the New York Times. And they're legitimate journalists, but New York Times sniffs them out and keeps them out, keeps them from being printed and published in their magazine.

That's why I respect the New York Times is because they are the least likely to print any kind of puff pieces from journalists and PR pieces. If I see an ad, I want to know it's an ad. If I came in and started chilling Harry's, and I didn't disclose to my listeners that we were being paid for that, that's fucking dishonest. I have a problem with that.

And similarly, that's why I have a problem with magazines and newspapers who do that with PR puff pieces when they don't do their due diligence to research the source. New York Times does their due diligence. That's why it's a respectable magazine. You would say they're the Harries of newspapers. Because Harry's a great product. That's not good off track here.

Anyway, that's my record. Yes. All right. Well, my problem is last call. My problem was not enough. Toilets. Holy shit. It affects billions of people.

And my problem is lottery winners. See you next Tuesday. I can't believe that last one. All right. I got a voicemail from Weird Matthew McConaughey. You remember last week and Weird Matthew McGonohe sent in the question? The question of the week.

Sean, you were absent for this one. The question of the week was, from weird Matthew McConaughey, would you see more boobs if you were invisible or if you were a dog? Right. Oh, that's a good question. Sirius, what's your answer for that one? I assume a dog because an invisible man still has to open doors, closed doors. Like an invisible man is going to get caught at some point.

If you're... Smart. If you're getting naked in front of a dog, you're just going to do that a lot. Reasonable. And Maddox, you said a man because then you can jerk off. Right. Right. Right.

But is your cum visible? Well, no, it's invisible cum. Let's not get off into the weeds here. This is because weird Matthew McConaughey called in and gave what he

considered the correct answer. I'd love to hear Hey guys back again Maddox you really fucked up

on that answer and being unreasonable is the wrong answer and this is why you said you could jerk it

and you turn it as a puppy but that's wrong dude as a puppy you can just give yourself

a blow job basically no one fucking even mind but you're a child you're a baby they do it all time.

But if you're invisible and you're fucking staying like three feet from the woman hey, she's going to hear all that fucking jerkin you know

it's going to sound like hair, wet hair basically. I don't know. I don't know. That's the last part. When you come, as they come

leaves your body, it's going to become visible again. Check. Yeah. There you go. How the fuck do you explain that? If you're doggy

or a cat or any sort of animal, no one's really fucking. question that. And no one's going to question it. Does go high in the corner come on the wall and fucking leave?

Check me. Dumbass. No one's going to question a puppy sitting in the corner and giving himself auto-filatio. No, they do it all the time. They're not sexually mature. Puppies are like, you know, like any other animal. You're not sexually mature.

So he's suggesting you that you become a puppy, watch a girl's boobs, and then suck yourself off. By the way, I don't want my own weaner in my mouth, bro. It's not suggesting that you become a puck. Wait a minute. The question was... Okay, no, I'm sorry, you're right. I cut you right off because I was...

We were both disgusted with him for different reasons. Yeah, you wouldn't want your wiener in your mouth? I don't think so. You don't think so? You never thought of it? I've thought of it all. I think of it all the time. You want your wiener in someone else's mouth.

Yeah, all the time. Okay. I mean, if you're, if you wanted in their mouth, you should be willing to put your own weiner in your own mouth. You should put your mouth where your wiener is. No, no. I'm not going to put my mouth where my wiener. sounds sexist, Maddox, and that's all I'm going to say.

That is very sexist. Sexist against myself? I'm just going to say sexist and I'm ready to move on. Well, there's going to be pre-cum. I don't want to taste my own pre-cum. Probably tastes like cinnamon. Oh, that's true. With all the cinnamon you eat.

On the fireball whiskey you eat. Shit, Dick, that's a good point. There you go. You wasted all the time going to Starbucks. You just stay on blowing yourself. Suck and suck myself off. You got to start coming to Pilates with me. I got, okay, here's someone talking about The Little Mermaid.

You were hard on The Little Mermaid. You had a video about it, too, about the Little Mermaid. The Disney version, yeah. Yeah, of course, yes. Hey, Maddox. Yes. I have a counterpoint to your Little Mermaid point. Okay.

It goes like this. Part of your world under the sea and fucking kissed a girl. Three great songs in a great animated movie. Undeniable. I'm sorry. Sure. that your fucking precious Hans Christian Anderson bullshit story got ruined.

Yeah. And your childhood was raped. Right. Vote up infantilism. Yeah. You pussy-ass bitch. What a fucking asshole idiot. First of all, dickhead.

Those songs wouldn't exist without Hans Christian Anderson. Fuck face. Oh, okay. That's all I need to say. Those songs are Disney. But they're integral to the Disney version of the Little Mermaid. All music wouldn't exist without... It's like, yeah, art is built upon art.

It doesn't mean that the art that came later is worse than the art that came before. And that art was pretty good. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is, but they made some cute songs that I can market and sell albums. They're great songs. That's very cynical.

Those are great songs. Those are actually... Look, I'm not just disagreeing with you for the sake of a podcast. Like, Alan Minkin wrote some really good songs. I'm not, do not... Look, a lot of people like those songs that doesn't change the criticism that I had for the Disney version of The Little Mermaid.

Wait a minute. No lessons. A lot of people, are you going to sit here and say that you do not like the song Kiss the Girl? No, I hate that song. I find that very hard to believe. I hate the way the frogs kind of croon in that song. I hate the way the crab's lips goes, well, ignoring the animation.

Just the song. It's not a good song, no. Well, you're dying to try, but you don't know why you gotta kiss the girl. That's romantic. It's not romantic. No, it's not. You sing that to a girl on your brunch dates. I will not. That'll end real quickly.

No. And you know what? I have, I have, I take umbrage with that song because he's, he's, he's manipulating the situation. Yes, I take umbrage. He, he has, he has manipulated the fucking crab. He's suggesting, he's very suggestive. Kiss the girl.

Kiss the girl. He's a woman. Oh. Excuse the crab for wanting Ariel to get a little bit of action. Really, the lyrics say kiss the girl, dickhead. Who is he talking to? The prince. The guy.

It's like if your friend leaves the room and the girl is left behind and you're just like, hey, isn't that? My friend's pretty cool. He's a nice guy. Your wing man. You're trying to end up the situation. No, it's the other way. Your friend is the girl and you tell the guy that she's with is really nervous. And you're like, no, she likes you.

I know she likes you. Guys, if I was sitting in your ear on a date, constantly saying, hey man, kiss the girl. Why don't you grab her thigh? You fucking back. It makes it okay? It makes it okay if I sing it, you dick. If I, hey man, why don't you grope the girl? If you sound like Sebastian, yes.

Wait a minute. That's creepy. You're singing voice like Sebastian, yes. No, that's absolutely true. If you can sing it and it doesn't sound creepy, it's not creepy. It's not as easy as you think to write a song about... If you're time to try and you don't know why you got a kiss. Of course that's creepy.

You guys are creepy as far. Fuck. Okay. One more. One more. Well, two more. Hey, guys, I thought that Dick's problem about the remote control was kind of a weird one. And then I looked it up, and iPhone don't have an IR blaster, you stupid fuck. I'm the stupid fuck. No, he's talking to me. Oh, he's calling me. It's not, relax. He's just so used to it. You've got so much umpriced today. Oh, my Lord. You got to blast some of your IR. Maybe I'll be an invisible dog

suck myself off. All right, one more. I mean, I didn't think losing the remote was weird. It happens everybody, but that guy thinks it's weird, weird. That problem is weird. Never encountered that before in his life.

Lost your mouth. Sorry, we're not perfect. What a weird problem. It's in the living room. Your wild stuff. All right, let's keep going. Sorry. Maddick, you fucking dope.

I'm still not about your little mermaid. Shit. First of all, you little mermaid has a fantastic message or an interesting one. It's about the Little Mermaid, Ariel, discovering that all the bullshit that her parents told her as a kid is lies and doing her own thing and turning her back on her own society. That's true. That's fucking cool, man.

It's true. Secondly, how's that a good lesson? Fuck your copyright shit. You copyright these nuts. And thirdly, have you been on a real mermaid ride at Dinkyland? No. It's fucking magical. You're fucking Hans Christian Anderson ride.

Up your butt? Yeah, it's stolen. Other dude, that's homophobic. I don't want to go there. Thank you. So how would the Hans Christian Anderson ride in? A woman committing suicide on a big rock? Welcome to Disneyland.

And with maybe a preachy sermon, right, where you learn a lesson and you feel bad about yourself. That's a ride I would go to, buddy. That's called church. You can just go to church, buddy. Yeah, but it's not a roller coaster. You give me a roller coaster with a sermon. Sign me up.

Take some acid before you go to church. No. Okay. well then there's no helping you we're gonna have to cut like one of those where should we end it or a couple of those we can just cut the middle the one about remotes the iR one no but that was funny i liked all of that yeah maybe it'll land on the first mermaid one i liked all of that the first mermaid one