The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 9

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. I'm Addix with me is Dick Masterson. Hey, what's up, buddy? How you doing? Great. So we... Who won? Okay, all right.

So the only time Dick asks this is when he knows that some shenanigans are up. So last week, our problems. The number one problem from last week was Webby Awards. Hey! Yeah. Congratulations. Actually. I wish...

Congratulations. You know what? I wish it wasn't as big of a problem as it was. The Webby's? I would... I would love for the Webby's to not be a problem. Well, I think everyone got on board your, like, disingenuous intentions. Okay.

Rant. You know what? No, no, no, no. That's what you were claiming, right? The Webbies are disingenuous when they say they're honoring. Jesus Christ. I see what you're saying. I'm prepared.

I'm prepared for you this week, buddy. I'm cop. This is why no one compliments you. I'm trying to compliment you and you're jumping down my throat. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. And I also read a guy, a guy in the comments,

said that originally the Webbies did pander to, like, high traffic sites to try to con links back to their dumb awards. And then, since they figured they knocked that out, then they started with the celebrity stuff. Well, you know, Dick, last episode, too, you mentioned this was, like, such a bullshit thing. I was so just dumbfounded with bullshit that whole last episode. But you said that the Nobel Prize awards to the New York Times just to get, you know, gin up free publicity.

But the New York Times, the Nobel Prize Award gives a million dollars for their award. So they could simply just spend that money on advertising if they wanted to. Like they don't need the New York Times publicity. In fact, they've given more awards to smaller publications. You know, I'm not going to disagree with your logic there, but it seems like a sham to me. It seems kind of lame. Like the Nobel Prize is about science and like the brightest minds in physics and chemistry and biology. You're awarding it to like a newspaper.

It's like a newspaper is like a thing to sell ads. So let me translate that. So I don't have any evidence, but it just doesn't feel right. Yeah. Okay. Is that not normal? No, no, that's not normal for you. That's not normal for you.

So number two on the list was global warming. Your bullshit sham problem that I'm going to call you out on. Excuse me? Yeah, global warming. So I was actually pimped into having to defend global warming. You didn't actually have. You weren't pimped into anything. You didn't have to defend it.

I guess. But then what? So when you immediately jumped down, my throat and called me Glenn Beck. That was pimping you? Was that what I wanted you to do? I guess. And then what else did you call me? Glenn Beck, then I was a libertarian. Yep. Did you call me a clan member at any point? Not yet. That's coming this episode. Dude, spoiler, come on. No, but the libertarian part had to do with the grocery shopping. Then came not enough bartenders. So congrats. There's that. I guess people agree. And then everyone's an idiot again. They think that self-checkout

lanes aren't a problem, apparently. And you know what? Those scales never work. If I put something light on those scales, like a little package of, I don't know, like a three pack of condoms? I've never bought a three pack of condoms. Maybe a three case. So anyway, those are the problems last week. The scales don't work. You're saying they're busted. The machines are busted. They're always busted. You've got to get an attendant to come over and see what light-ass item that you bought. I got a comment about that. Yeah. From Brian Cruz. He said, if there is a self-checkout lane and all my items have barcodes, it takes me about half the time than it would have waiting for a cashier to do it. True.

Unless you're too stupid to use a barcode scanner and swipe your card. Yeah, except the barcode scanner has a built-in delay because they know that customers are slow and dumb and inept and the weight of the scale doesn't work. And God forbid you put something on the scale and you have to close everything gets cluttered on the scale. There's not enough room for all your groceries. So you have to put some on the floor or call in a tenant over and be like, oh, sorry, I bought too much stuff. Sorry, I'm purchasing things. It's bullshit. The whole system's bullshit.

Everyone who likes it is bullshit. I got a comment from Seth Johnson. He actually noticed an interesting coincidence. On our old-time list of overall problems, conspiracy dipshits is in third place, or was at the time of this, and it had 9-11 votes. Great. I got a comment regarding your horseshit Diet Coke challenge

that you claim settled the debate once and for all that McDonald's is not the best Diet Coke. Yep, publish that in journal Nature. go. Twitter, R. Banky, says McDonald's Coke is better because they have contracts with Coca-Cola to do the calibration and the maintenance, whereas the other restaurants don't. So all of your shit about McDonald's employees being just as worthless as Wendy's employees is null and void, sir, because Coca-Cola is there protecting the taste of their brand.

And clearly, companies always honor their contracts, especially with minimum wage workers enforcing those contracts, right? Wait, are you saying that Coke doesn't show up and calibrate the machines, like R. Banke is saying? Yes. That's ridiculous. Well, they might calibrate it at some point, but those lines aren't cleaned by minimum wage workers. They don't give a fuck about your soda.

Oh, you're just never going to give this up. You're so stubborn. This is a comment. You're so ridiculous. This is a comment from Michael C. Main. He says, don't forget different minimum wage employees, forgetting to clean the taps, removing the bacteria, and fungal growth that might be what gives each fast food joints distinct flavor.

Which actually, you might have a point. Those lines never get cleaned. Those employees don't give a shit. I walked into that McDonald's. Everyone behind the counter looked like they were thinking the word, duh. Yeah. Like, they just looked slow and they don't give a... They're checked out.

They're trying to graduate from high school. They don't care about your quality assurance. Look, dude, I don't know the magic, but McDonald's has it. That's all I'm saying. All I'm saying is you use the word magic. I got one last comment from Philip Rushick. Dick's arguments this episode were the best ever. everything he said this episode was on the verge of nonsensical, but also exactly right.

And I brought that comment in because I just want to say that's what it takes to make sense of the world that we're in. Nonsense. Nonsense. It takes nonsense. The only thing that beats nonsense is bigger nonsense. I thought you were going to say bigotry. No, I'm not saying that. Not yet.

That's what it takes. Yeah. Bigger nonsense. Great. All right. You want to get to some problems? Let's get to some problems. Problem number one

Indignant drivers Indignant drivers Indignant drivers Not not road rage I don't know if that's the best way to say this But not road rage Because road rage is hilarious To me

Sure Good stories Yes I do like road rage I know you do But indignant drivers where Okay I'll tell you what happened I went to

Venice Beach With this girl on Sunday So Venice Beach is in California. Yes. It's in like Southern California. Okay. And it is, it is the like heaviest traffic in L.A. on a Sunday, I would say. It is an absolute nightmare to get to, to park, to get to the beach in traffic.

It's the worst. Right. Right. Everyone's going to the beach on Sunday. So we're driving around trying to find someplace to park. And it's like every single move you make, you look at the guy, you look at the car approaching you. And they are, they have this look on their face when you do any little thing that looks like they're seeing like a magic show and also like watching a racist tirade at the same time. They're like, oh, oh, like with their hands up in the air.

Like they, like flustered, like they're buttoning, like they're in the 17th century buttoning their collar and like turning down their ascot. Yeah. Like they're ready for a duel. Yeah. You know what? You just looked at me, buddy. That's how I drive. I'm an indignant driver.

I love it. I love shaking my head. I love angrily yelling at people who dare make a left turn. It's so, why? Why? What drives you so insane? Well, you're driving? You don't relax. You have to wait a couple seconds for me to slow down and look for parking. Just calm down. Yeah, a couple seconds mean I missed the light and then I miss the next light. Then I'm late to. Then I'm late to where I'm going. You're going home to dick around on Facebook. That's what you're late to. That's what all these people are late to. They can't wait a couple seconds. I'm sorry. I don't know about these bozos, but I got shit to do. And it's not just a couple seconds. These seconds add up because every, there's, you said yourself,

there was lots of traffic and thousands of drivers out there. A couple seconds here, a couple seconds there. Next thing you know, you're dead. You're dead? From waiting for people to slow down and park? Yeah, might as well be. They're all waiting to park too. What if I have a spider on me? What if there's something in my car? I have an urgent place to be. Hey, wait, what? I've had spiders on me before while I'm driving.

Me too. Yeah, and so I need to get out and I need to find this fucker and kill it. It's horrifying. Yeah, you got to kill it. So while I'm waiting for you to make up your mind and find directions, by the way, find your fucking directions ahead of time. Why is it so hard people? Don't look you GPS. Because you're looking around for parking.

Who cares? Like, you can't just calm the fuck down when you're in your car? What bothers me about it is that you would never act like this without your precious car protecting you. No, I wouldn't act like this without the car because I wouldn't need to. I can get around people in traffic and I don't go to places where lots of people just congregate. It may create a logjam. But with cars, I was in a car one time. I had a media escort for one of my book signings.

So for people who don't know, a media escort is someone they assign you who takes you from book signing to book signing. And they hate that expression, by the way. It makes them sound like prostitutes. So the word escort makes it sound. So we went to like a Barnes & Noble. And this lady was just looking at her phone, the instructions. entire time idling through the parking lot. Meanwhile, there's only one exit and one entrance as the parking lot. And cars behind her started a honk and she goes, okay, okay, people. And, like,

throws her hand up and then continues to look at her cell phone. Like, what do you mean? Okay, what does that mean? You're not addressing anything. You're not solving the problem. You're obstructing. People have shit to do. They have lives to do. So what did the honking do? Nothing. It didn't change a goddamn thing. Okay. So because people are stubborn, stupid, and refuse to change and they're incorrigible, we shouldn't do anything about it, right? We shouldn't honk. Yeah, I'm saying that all your dumb honking and your road rage is part of the problem. You're the one causing all the accidents and all the delays because you're driving around like a maniac getting pissed off all the time and not just calming down. Bullshit. That's bullshit, dick. I am the solution. You know, people who don't honk are inconsiderate.

I absolutely believe that. If you don't honk, if you don't honk, you don't care. And if you don't care, stay the fuck home. What do you have to do that's so important? Why are you out on the road? Driving with you is like, I think it's like, it's like, the feeling I get is like if your son, if you were like telling someone about your son and he was in like prison, it's like very uncomfortable. You're like, that was a bad example. Driving with you is a fucking nightmare. It's like being just tense. I feel like a chihuahua when I'm driving with you because you scream like a lunatic. Your hand is always on the horn.

Right. You're not paying attention. I'm always paying attention, buddy. I save lives because I honk. One time there was a cab driver coming towards me in an intersection. And I saw him kind of veering towards my direction. And I thought, well, this is weird. I should flash my brights.

So I flashed my brides a few times. Still kept coming towards me. And I thought, holy shit, this guy's not paying attention. He was looking at his GPS. So I started laying on the horn. And the last minute he veered and avoided an accident. I was prepared to honk. You had a lot of time to think in this scenario.

I think fast. Um, I, uh, I did look up some stats on this. Oh my gosh, you actually have stats. Okay, I got a stats for you. Yeah, road rage people like you. Yeah. Cause 66% of traffic fatalities. That's bullshit. Get out of here. That's bull. I'm going to call you on that. It's not bullshit. Absolutely. What's your source? Where is that?

Drive like a pussy.com. Okay. I knew it. I fucking know. Because I actually know the stats dickhead and that's not even close. Maddox 66. is a reasonable number. There's no way I would have made up a number like that. No, because it's upside down. It's 99. I'm sure you're going to say it at the end of that episode. Oh, I was told this paper upside down. It's like two thirds. Two thirds of traffic fatalities are caused by people like you. You're full of shit. I'm going around honking being a distraction, dude.

Wrong. I'm going to call you on this. That's not a source. That's not a statistic. Where did you get that source? What's the actual source for that? Safemotorist.com. It was number one in Google. It's fucking not. You know what number one is is distracted driving. while texting. That's number one now above drunk driving. We've gotten a 10 to 20% increase in traffic fatalities over the last 10 years, specifically because of texting while driving. So you're saying texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving?

It is now, yeah. So everybody who texts and drive can shut their ass up when they start lecturing people about driving drunk. Right? That's pretty much what I'm getting out of that. That doesn't mean that you're both suddenly not problems. You're both problems. You can't take the moral high ground, though. That's true.

If you're texting a friend of mine about how he drives drunk. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I mean, they're both terrible options. It's like once, it's not that one is safer than the other. You're not saying it's safe to drive drunk, right? Okay, that's what you were getting at. No, texting while driving has now surpassed drunk driving.

And here's why. because drunk driving usually mostly occurs Because you're really paying attention when you're drunk driving. No, wrong. It usually occurs at night because people drink at night

and then they have last call and they got to get home. So that's when the majority of drunk driving occurs. Texting while driving occurs 24 hours a day. All the time. Anytime someone's behind the wheels there's, here comes a red light,

I got to check Facebook. I got to check my fucking precious Facebook make sure that somebody didn't like my new picture on Instagram, whatever the fuck Instagram is. Well, I mean, if I can even get to that, I got to check Tinder first. Of course.

Um, so you see all the girls that passed you up. Yeah, I always wonder how they do the drunk driving stats, though. You know? Like, how do they know how many people were out there being drunk, not causing wrecks?

You know what I'm saying? They don't look at that. They just, but how do they even guess? They just tally the total number of fatalities caused by drunk driving. Oh. So that's all it is.

They don't have to, yeah, they don't have to, like, do some crazy statter. So you're saying my stats are BS? Your stats are absolutely BS, and I'm going to call you on that. No, but it could be both.

Like you could be drunk and texting and be being aggressive. Right. No, no, absolutely not. Like, road rage does not cause nearly as many accidents as either of those two problems, drunk driving and texting while driving. Road rage, by the way, and it's not road rage that I'm honking. Why don't people care anymore? So I have gotten so pissed off now that I'm honking at cars in lanes opposite to me.

I'm honking at cars going in the different direction. I'm honking at cars two or three lanes away because nobody cares. Everybody's texting. Nobody goes. Maddox, that honking shit's got to stop. No. It's crazy. It's a solution.

No, no, no, no, no. It's annoying. It gives people, like, you're going to give somebody a heart attack with the way you drive. Oh, they're going to give me a heart attack by the way they drive, by how slow they are. Well. Because you're making a left turn over double yellow lanes, which I always honk at. Get the fuck out of the road. You're not supposed to make a left on double yellow lanes.

And you know what? I approve of it if they do it when no one's around. I do it when no one's around. However, when there's a whole line of cars behind you, what, you need to stop commerce. Because you need to make a left-hand turn. Just chill the fuck out. They need to make a left turn. Who cares?

You're out there like it's cannonball run every day. Just go out and have a nice drive. Sure. Okay, you know what? Maybe the guy who's running the theater projector for the movie you're watching on your date. He got caught up in traffic and he's like, yeah, you know what?

Chill out, man. I'll just show up when I show up. The movie will start when I get there. Things don't have to run on time anymore in Dix universe. Yeah, your honking doesn't help that. Oh, it absolutely doesn't. No. Honking and acting like Audrey Hepburn in your car while people are just making left turns and minding their own business does not help with that. It's not left turns. It's people slowing down and looking for parking or looking for their directions.

That upsets you? Yeah, don't look for directions. No, don't look for directions. No, where are you going before you go? Where are you going if you're just, what are you driving aimlessly? Get the fuck off the road. Go back home, park your car and then set your house on fire. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing with your life? Very good. Well, I copied a test to see if you were a road rage. Okay. But you pretty much, I think you rewrote the test on having road rage.

Yeah. I don't think I have road rage, by the way. You definitely do. No. What else would road rage be? No. In your mind, what is road rage? I'll tell you what road rage is.

So there's this guy. I was in a one hand, one. lane road one time and and there was this guy that was parked right next to me he was going to make a right hand turn and it looked like he was going to make a right hand turn his signal wasn't on and so I figured you know he just forgot to turn on a signal whatever so I started going straight and he was to my right and he started going straight as well and there was a car parked to the right so he couldn't get past that car he had to cut me off I have a hard time following car stories so he was turning right in front of you okay it's a one lane road all right I'm going straight uh huh

And he looked like he was about to make a right. He was to my right at the intersection, right? So we both started going forward at the same time. And I thought, okay, well, here's this dickhead not making a right. He's going to try to snake me. You're already all, like, bugging whoever's in the car with you. This is already starting to bug me, like, imagining myself in this car. No one's in the car with me.

All right. So I'm going straight, and this guy cuts me off at the last second. And so, you know what? I lay on the horn, and I give him the bird. I'm like, hey, buddy, here's what I think of you. And so then he pulls over to the right and turns on his signal and lets me pass him. I'm thinking, oh, this is a good guy. He realized his mistake, and he's letting me pass him.

You've intimidated him into letting you pass. Yeah, you know what? Maybe he realized his mistake, and he's going to be cool. So, no, that's not the case. He gets behind me, and then he starts honking, and I'm like, oh, all right. So I get to the next light, and this guy gets out of his car, and he starts walking over to my car. And so I'm slowly, like, gingerly rolling up my window in my car, and I roll up my driver's side window just in time, as soon as he gets there and I'm like, who, safe.

I lock the doors. Then I look over. What a pussy. What a complete pussy. And I look over, this guy, no joke, was probably 6-8, tall, black dude, bald, looked angry as fuck. Yeah, right. It was probably some, like, old Chinese lady. Oh, please.

I eat Chinese ladies for lunch. So I looked over to my passenger side window and it was completely rolled down. I completely forgot about it. Oops. So anyway, he starts, like, just pounding on the window. pounding on the window and calling me gay, called me a little bitch, get out of the car. I mean, you are kind of a little bitch

in this story. No, I'm not going to get out and fight this guy. You're proving my point. You wouldn't do this stuff except you have your protective car around you. You're acting like an a-hole only because you're not afraid of getting punched in the mouth. He cuts me off like a dick and I'm the a-hole? Yes. An asshole.

Let's say asshole. Okay, I'm the asshole because he cut me off. That's bullshit. No, he probably just made a mistake. Chill out. It wasn't a mistake. Oh, really? Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I meant to flip him out with both hands. Huh? That's a good one.

Yeah. Fuck that guy. He was a piece of shit. And also, he was a transit worker. He was a California transit worker. I could have gotten his job. So who made the mistake here? He's a fucking idiot. I'm not going to go to jail.

I'm not going to jail potentially because this dickhead got out of his car. And by the way, I was waiting for the light to turn. As soon as the light turns, I just start driving up. And he's like sat and standing there jumping up and down like Yosemite Sam in the fucking middle of the intersection. This like dumb ass, dude who coming off. He gained nothing. He lost face.

And what did the transaction solve? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Okay, so let me go through those questions of if you have road rage or not. Please. Do you ever use obscene gestures or communicate angrily at another driver? So that's a yes from that story. Yep.

That's a yes. Do you use the horn often? Did you use the horn in that story? Yep. I'll take that as a yes. Do you tailgate already a yes? Or flashed your headlights at the driver in front of you, who you believe is driving too slowly.

I believe that's how you started this altercation? No, that's not how it started. By tailgating? No, he cut me off. Nope. Is that perhaps because you were driving way too fast and he had to cut you off? I was just going through the intersection, the normal speed, and he was just trying to cut me off like a prick

because he was trying to snake me. He didn't gesture that he was going to try to come into my lane. How about using a signal, dick, fuck? How about that? Yeah. No, so that, no, absolutely not. Already angry. You're experiencing road rage while just sitting in this chair in front of the microphone.

I'm miming a steering wheel as we're talking. And you try to beat red lights because you're in a hurry. I know this doesn't seem as good as the other ones. Of course, that makes sense. Three out of four, you got Road rage, buddy. Go see a doctor. All right. I guess.

Road rage isn't really my problem, though. It's the indignant drivers. Indignant. You sit there festering and I like the guy that got out of his car with Road Rage. That's cool. What do you... You don't call that indignant? No, that's not indignant.

He was gonna punch you right in your mouth. And by the way, I was... No, he's not gonna punch anything. I was grabbing my taser. I was ready to like, all right, I got to throw down to this guy. Did you grab your rape whistle as well? What are you doing? You know what?

I know that tasers don't always work, and sometimes it pisses them off even more, which if I'm gonna get punched, if I'm gonna fight a guy, I want him to be really pissed. They don't work? What do you mean? Well, if you...

The guy was the size of a mammoth. All right? This guy's like maybe eight feet tall. Oh, yeah. Bald black dude. He would have killed you. He would have been funny. That would have been funny.

He could have punched through my roof. Like, this guy was giant. Did you learn anything from that? Like, did it make you gun shy at all for being a road rage dickhead in the future? You know what? I rarely ever flip people off while I'm driving. But there was this one time this girl, she has Vermont plates. I still remember her license plate.

I remember the cost. Jesus Christ, this is like, you definitely have road rage. Like, it's etched in your memory because you're so full of rage from the incident. I'm sorry. Go, go, go, go, I'm sorry. That's like saying, yeah, I've had road rage. What do you mean? Road rage is not a condition, a state that you're in. I mean, occasionally you get road rage.

It's like, you're saying, oh, you definitely have love because you've been in love before or whatever. Like, you've been full with food, so you're definitely full. Like, that doesn't make sense. This sounds like an alcoholic at an intervention. What do you mean I'm an alcoholic? I have a couple drinks a couple times. That doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic.

I'm anaholic? What does that mean? Yeah. So what did the Vermont girl do? Oh, this bitch. So I'm driving up this road. It's unbelievable this one. This one could have caused an accident.

So I'm driving up this road, like 45 miles an hour, the speed limit. And she pulls into the middle lane. What I thought what she was going to do is pull into the middle lane and then merge into traffic, right? Let's wait for her turn to merge into traffic. Nope. Cuts right in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, came within inches of hitting her. And so then I flipped her off and turned on my brights because this chick needs to be checked.

Oh, wait a minute. The brights is on the list. On turning on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Flushing your headlights at a driver in front of you that you believe is driving too solo. You said no to this. That's a yes. That's four out of four, dude.

Four out of four, you are a textbook case of road rage. She wasn't driving too slow. She just cut in front of me. Like, we came within inches of hitting her. Okay, and then what? Yeah, so I slammed on the brakes, turn on my brights, and then started flipping her off. And then she... Turns out she was a six-foot-eight black guy, too.

Eight-foot-eight black guy. It gets bigger every time. No, this, so she got, she started flipping me off. Oh, cool. Oh, no, you didn't, you did not flip me off. And so I started following her. And so I'm like honking the entire time and like brights are on and she's flipping me off and I'm flipping her off and we're having a really good time. So we get to the next intersection and she's really driving erratically and then she starts break checking me.

I'm like, you know what? Fuck that. Fuck break checking. Break checking is bullshit, chicken shit move because you're trying to cause an accident, which is fucked up. So then. Oh, wait a minute. Mr. High Horse, both of you are driving like morons at this point.

I was driving normal. What? Just because I'm like chasing her down, whatever. Because you're not thinking about driving. You're thinking about screwing with this person. That's why you're causing all these accidents. I'm letting her know. I'm calling her out. I'm checking her. She needs to pull over. That's what she needs to do. And what? Pull over and think about her life.

She needs to pull over and write in her live journal or whatever it was at the time. It was like 10 years ago, whatever. She needs to think about the decisions she's made in her life. That's what I wanted her to do. So she didn't do that. And She kept driving erratically. So you know what? Called in drunk driving.

I reported her for drunk driving. Even though she wasn't. She might have been. She's driving erratically. She's driving like an asshole. I mean, this is just, that is crazy. It's not reporting someone for drunk driving. No, you, you are crazy for doing that.

I call in drunk drivers all the time. If someone's driving like an asshole, they're drunk. What is your, for some reason, I don't think that's the end of the moves that you have to screw with people who are driving poorly. What else is in your bag? of tricks to do, uh, to put an end to crazy drivers on the road out there. Do you like lob baggies of scorpions in their window as you drive past them? No, nothing. That's it. That's all that's it. No, but you, but seriously, I want drunk drivers off the road and I will call them in.

She wasn't a drunk driver. Don't act like you're doing everybody a service. You don't know that. No, she's an, she's an, she's addicted to rage just like you, apparently. She was also swerving. She was swerving. She was swerving in and out of traffic. So I was trying to pass her up so I could get home and she started swerving. I'm like, okay, this chick's drunk. You're so crazy. How come I never encounter all of these poor drivers? How come I never get in these life and death situations? You're the people that people are encountering. But no one's pulling in front of me all the time like they are with you. Why is that? Why is it, you ever think that when you encounter so many assholes on a daily basis that you are the asshole, that you are the bad

driver? I'm not the bad driver. There are great drivers out there. Sometimes people cut me off and I don't even have to tap my brakes. I'm like, that guy's driving like an asshole, but God bless him. You need to chill out. You need to have a stress ball in your car. No, no. You're not helping anybody. You're not helping anybody. Yes, I am. I'm helping commerce. Pulling cops away from real drunk drivers. I'm saying

that, but I don't really care. I mean, I'm trying to bust you on that, but, you know. No, fuck this chick. This chick, she's lonely and she's going to die alone. All right. That's, that's my problem. All right. Great, great problem. Indignant drivers. Indignant drivers. Don't forget, next time you're sitting

behind someone driving like a grandma. It might be dick. Oh, I drive... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How many... I drive way fast. How many speeding tickets do you have? One.

Oh, yeah, I got speeding tickets galore, baby. Yeah, that just means you get caught. I don't. I'm like Batman. The speeding Batman. I am... I drive way fast than you. How dare you?

I will race anytime, anywhere. He's sloppy. Sloppy driver. Pedal all the way down. And then you're going to have to come to a screeching haul because someone's making a left. Don't care. I'll buy more break.

Great. All right. My problem. My first problem this week is shame shaming. What? All right? Yeah. So you've heard of fat shaming, right? Heard of it. Yeah. That's my middle name. I'm talking to the guy who invented it. Come on, baby. So there's this big... That's my big break was fat shaving on Dr. Phil.

Fat shaming, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually that's true. Remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. So there's this big, like, it's a fat positivity or a body positive movement going on right now by the social justice warriors. And these are people who think that, you know, it's okay to be fat. You know what, it is okay to be fat to an extent. So there's all these people who come out.

Well, can you define okay, like what you think it's okay to be fat? Well, you should be allowed to live your life and body how you want. Agreed. Right? We absolutely agree on that. however the limit is when it comes to public health so if there's universal health care then suddenly everyone's kind of chipping into the system and your health problems become my health problems well your health problems become my financial problems is what they become exactly yeah right well that's

what i meant so if you if you become unhealthy or if you become sick or there's some complication due to your diet and the public welfare has to pay for it, then your problem is my problem. And I do have a say in it. So if you want to be fat, that's fine, but you also have to be against universal health care, right? I guess, it's like, no, because I think it's, yeah, logically, if you're making like a logical choice to be overweight or to smoke or doing that stuff,

then yeah, but that's not how people work. I mean, by the way, I'm kind of surprised that you accused me of being a libertarian last week, yet you're making like the cornerstone of the libertarian argument right now. Right. I say things that sometimes conservatives agree with, and sometimes libertarians agree with, and sometimes liberals agree with. I'm just asking if you realize that. Yeah, I realize that. This is the entire philosophy of libertarianism.

I totally understand that, and I totally agree. However, I'm not a libertarian. So, on salon.com, there's an article that says, a recent study published in the Journal of Health Psychology aimed to evaluate why the positive correlation between stigma and obesity exists, specifically for women. And this is always, if you search for fat shaming or body positive, the first links that come up is Huffington Post and Salon.com, always. And then XOJ and all these like women websites. Sure. Because they think it's a problem exclusively to women, and it's all they focus on.

So by reviewing daily assessments of the weight-based interactions of 50 overweight women, researchers found that the negative feelings associated with, fatness can lead to negative psychological health overall in addition to reduced physical well-being. So if you're fat, you feel bad? Yeah, you feel bad. That's what, but you know what? If you're fat, your body's also usually, like if you're obese, if you're overweight, like extremely morbidly obese, you're going to have all sorts of different health complications. Yeah.

So there's this woman who said that participants experience, this is participants in the study, they experience an average of three fat shaming moments per day, three per day. But the research said that these stood out. So this woman said that teenagers made animal sounds like mooing outside of the store. I've done that. Oh, you know what else I did? I do beep sounds. Right.

That's a good one too. Like if a fat person's beeping out. Oh, if they're going backwards? Yeah, that's a good one. I pulled that one in high school. I got a big response. You know, and I should say I used to be fat. I used to be pretty overweight.

No, pretty, overweight. Yeah, definitely. Used to be a big fat, fat cell. Definitely. When I was riding the alphabet of manliness, that was one of the most stressful times of my life, and that's when I gained a lot of weight. I gained over 35 pounds in the course of, like, three months. I started losing hair around that time.

I got high blood pressure, and I got high cholesterol. I was on my way to an early death, early grave. All to just make your masterpiece of a book for your fans. Yeah. For you guys. Yeah. The sacrifices that you go through. Sacrifices for dick jokes.

So, anyway, so. So I understand, like I understand everything associated with it. I used to be a fat guy. So she says, she goes on, these are some of the things that she felt, the fat-shaming instances throughout the day. The dentist was worried I might break his chair. You know what, though? It's an expensive-ass chair.

Those hydraulic things aren't cheap. Yeah. If you might actually break a chair. Wait, that's a moment of fat-shaming? Fat-shaming, yeah. If the dentist says your, you might break my chair. Yeah.

Also, he's concerned about his chair. Yeah. Why aren't you concerned about his chair? Why aren't you concerned about anything, apparently? Yeah. Like, this dentist is sincerely concerned about his chair. He spent lots of money on it. You might break it.

How could he possibly sensitively say that to you? What's a sensitive way of saying to somebody who's overweight and saying, look, you might break this chair? Like, what can you possibly do? You might have to, like, okay, sit in and on. Maybe she was so big that she might actually break the chair. If you want to say that to somebody, how can you say it, sensitively. Moe.

Okay. Then she says, I was told what a bad mother I am because I can't set limits as to what my son or his friends eat during sleepovers because I can't even control myself. Okay, that's unfair. I would say that's unfair. What kind of life is this person

living where people are saying that stuff to her? Can you imagine like a person saying that to you? It would be like, what the hell are you? How dare you? You know what, though, Dick? I'm going to call bullshit on this one because the only person, so look at the Look at the clues she left in this sentence.

She says, I was told what a bad mother I am. So somebody told her based on what her son and his friends eat during the sleepover. So this is somebody intimately in her life, right? And if it's somebody that intimate in her life, why is she friends with this person?

Right, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Why would she possibly have somebody that close in her life who knows her son is having a sleepover and his son's friends are having to sleepover and what they're eating for snacks? And it's such a neurotic thing, didn't it?

They picked her sleepover. They eat everything. Come on. So here's another one. She says, with friends at a baby shower, I went to McDonald's first, so people wouldn't look at me eating more than I should. So she's sneaking, so she goes to McDonald's ahead of time, gets her, gets an extra meal, whatever.

Yeah. But here's the thing that bugs me about this sentence, more than I should. So she knows, she knows she shouldn't, but she's doing it. Sure. I can't begin to explain the psychology that goes on behind. you know, gaining weight. I gained weight for my own reasons. It was stress. Mine was stress related.

Mostly, mostly for that, in that period of my life. But, like, different people gain weight for different reasons. Who knows? Is that true? It just seems like it's all... I mean, it seems like if I liked eating as much as I like drinking, then I would be a big fat so. No, people eat in excess sometimes because they are depressed, sometimes because they just like food, sometimes because they're stressed.

Sometimes just because... they have always just been that way and they've always just, it's cultural. Sometimes it's just cultural. Like some families like to eat a lot of food and they sit down, they put huge meals out in the front of the table. I get that. I mean, I totally get that.

It just sounds exactly the same. It sounds like an analog to any addiction. So this is from time.com. This is kind of interesting. It says that new research confirms that obese people and particularly those who are extremely obese tend to die earlier than those of normal weight. However, the findings also suggest.

suggest that people who are overweight but not obese may live longer than people who are clinically normal body weight. What do you can you sum that up? So they're saying that people who are overweight live longer. Oh. Why? Okay. That's the question, right?

That's the million dollar question. Why? Because I've seen these fat-shaming websites, especially TEDx. If you go to YouTube right now and search for TEDx and it says why it's okay to be fat, there's this lady who goes on. I'd rather eat some rocks than watch a TED talk about this. That's fair. That's absolutely fair.

you don't even have to check the calories on that. So if you go watch this video, this lady goes on and on about how fat people live longer than normal weight people. And it's true about 6%, 6% longer. And I looked into the study, and it turns out that the reason is it's possible that overweight and obese people

get better medical care, either because they show symptoms of disease earlier or because they're screened more regularly for chronic diseases stemming from their weight, such as diabetes or heart problems. So they get sicker faster, so they give more attention. They're in their hospitals more often, so they catch things that are fatal. See, this is what I'm telling you about stats, though.

Like that is a stat where your gut says no, and then you look at the stat and you're like, oh, the stat's worthless. So here's... Your guts right. Right. Absolutely. No, I agree. That's why I read into the study. I don't just end of the stat.

There's another instance, this is from Kotaku.com. There's a 19-year-old girl in Japan. Her name is Kana Motoyoshi, and she loved cosplay. She was really overweight, and she dressed up as this cosplay character one time, and everybody started making fun of her because she looked nothing like the character. So. Because she was overweight. She was really overweight.

What if she dressed up as? The character's name was Tierra. It's a huge fan of T-I-E-R-A. I'm not even sure. It just looks like a Sailor Moon character or something like that. Oh, God, that's bad. So she decided to go to an anime convention like dresses as a character, and her dramatic recreation of the event with her,

an actor playing her. The show's depiction was hardly nuanced, notes the bandanas, who are stereotypically otaku or geek people in Japan. So they were kind of like making fun of her on the show. She got fat shamed and guess what? She lost weight. She lost weight. She looks really great now. She's the healthiest she's ever been in her life. She's happy.

So fat shaming can potentially have a positive effect. I'm going to ask you this question, Dick, and this isn't a rhetorical. So this is what your shame shaming is about. You're saying that shame helps people get better. It can. It can make people feel worse, but why are we entitled to never feel bad?

Well, you're not. Exactly. So I'm going to ask you this question. This is a sincere question, not a rhetorical question. What's wrong with shame? It makes people feel bad. But why? I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

We both agreed, right? Well, then marketing companies can use that bad feeling and pitch people this idea that they should never feel bad and sell shit at the same time. Oh, and you know who's the most notorious at doing it? Dove. Dove. Absolutely dove. Absolutely. Fucking nailed it.

Dove. I mean, that's all they're doing. Like, they don't give a shit about women. No. They just want to sell soap. Yeah, they want to sell soap. They want it. And they have those advertisements which are so duplicitous.

No, not duplicitous. What's the word? I don't know. Devious. They have those advertisements that are so devious that show women who are like kind of shielding their faces and says, when was the last time you felt beautiful? Well, so this is what I think about those. Like, they're pitching this idea that being beautiful is like a thing, is like the same as being good. Like, while they're saying they're empowering women, they're also saying you're not worth anything unless you're beautiful.

Unless you're beautiful. Which is really shitty. It's a shitty thing to say. Like, it's not that it's not something you can work on. You're either beautiful or you're not. Right. Sorry. Yeah.

And you're not entitled to be beautiful. Not everyone is beautiful. Fucking stop calling people beautiful when they're not. There's that girl who's suffering from that disease. disease online, everybody's like, oh, she's so beautiful, she's so brave, sure. Beautiful? Not by most people's standards. Like, that's not, you're not entitled to be beautiful. Some people just aren't. But you don't, like, that doesn't make you less of a person. That doesn't make you worthless. You just didn't get the genetic lottery. Yeah. So what Dove should do is come out and say like,

hey, fatty, lose some weight. That's what you're saying? No, but, so here's, here's what, the argument is. This guy who wrote this Kotaku article about this girl who lost the weight from shaming. He ends it on this sentence. He says, look, people should be able to do what they want. Right? I agree with that. Yeah. If someone wants to cosplay in a certain character and their body or skin color or

gender or whatever it is isn't an exact match, who cares? They shouldn't be made to feel bad about that. Well, they are. Like, sorry. Well, look more closely at his first sentence. It says, look, people should be able to do what they want. They can. Okay. If people

should be able to do what they want, that includes people who fat shame. Oh. Right? Everybody should be able to do what they want. And if you make people feel bad for shaming you for fat shaming, guess what? They're starting to feel bad about shaming you. I don't want to feel bad about fat shaming.

And by the way, I don't necessarily do it. It's fine. Like different people have different body weights. Yeah. Yeah. You seem really conflicted on this one. Well, no, because it's easy to agree with you and say that, yeah, you should just be able to mock people. like that's like the cool thing to say right yeah to what just like just mock people and what no it's just like cool like it's the cool guy thing to say uh yeah just fuck them like you should be

able to say whatever you want about however anybody looks but i guess people just kind of get that they're dealing with an addiction and think maybe that for all the people that get shamed into losing weight there's probably a lot more who just like kind of feel shittier and makes it harder than like, I don't know what's, what's a better way out of it for them? Tough love or regular love? I'll tell you what the better way out of it is. So I have the solution. This is the light at the end of the tunnel. I have some friends who are fat, and they revel in it.

They love it. I have one friend in particular. Do they do externally, though? Because a lot of them say, like, they'll make jokes, and they don't really feel that way, though. Well, I don't know, man. I mean, I can't get inside their head, but they're externally, like, I never see them depressed.

I never see them bummed out, and I never see them worried about what they eat. They just eat it. And they know, like, people call them. Some fact, you're like, yeah, yeah, I know, all right. Yeah. That's cool, like, whatever. They just live it, and they love it. That's their body, and they're comfortable with who they are.

But when you get all butt hurt about it, look, you've made a choice in your life, and you're, for you to be indignant, right? Yeah, for you to be indignant about the choices you made based on what other people are saying about you, that's bullshit, dude. At least cop to it. Take responsibility for the decisions you've made in life. Yeah. So who's the most vote?

about this. Is it companies that are trying to sell things? Like who's starting this movement of shame-shaming? Feminists. Mostly feminist. Feminist. Dove is company, it's actually coming from a lot of Tumblr bloggers.

And fat people themselves. They said, well, they were sick and tired of it. It's like, okay, well, I'm sick and tired of lots of things. And sometimes there are things I can change and sometimes they're not. But I'm not just going to sit here and write a fucking 27-point list about all the ways I'm an awful person for thinking a certain stereotype about fat people.

Yeah. And this is coming from a fat person. And let me tell you what. This is coming from somebody who does exactly what you're saying you do. Like writing out why people should feel bad about things. Like all your reasons that iPhones suck. And all your reasons that you too is the worst album of the year. Well, you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Just getting you phone. So, uh... Wait, I have a question for you. Yeah. Were you ever fat shamed when you were a lard ass? Oh, yeah. Of course. All the time.

And I've broken chairs when I was a lard ass. I sat down in chairs and busted them. It's kind of hilarious, but it's also like, ooh. Oh boy. Oh boy, I should lose some weight. Like, I broke one of the benches at lunch at my elementary school. I broke a bench. The kids thought it was really funny when I sat down that the entire bench would shake, the entire table would shake.

It's funny. So I kept doing it. They were like, do it again. And so I stood up and sat down again. And they were like, do it again. So I stood up and sat down again. And then crack, the bench broke. And for the rest of the school year, we had just enough seats for every single student.

and for the rest of the school year about six to eight students had to sit on the floor because I broke the bench. And then I raced to lunch every day because I didn't want to be one of those kids sitting on the floor. Sean, what? Sean audio engineers chiming in.

How many other kids did it take to counterbalance the teeter totter? Yeah, good question. Oh, I never even got on. I never even got on. No, it would have been at least two. I remember actually, no, one time I did go to the park. Why did you get so fat as a kid?

I'm sorry, you went to the park. No, no, yeah. I went to a park when I was a kid, and I remember my friend and his brother both got on one end and they still couldn't lift me. I was, I don't know, man, I was just always a big kid. I was a big kid. Is your brother big?

Yeah. I mean, not huge, but I was definitely big. I was bigger than he was growing up. Were you big like that until recently? I mean, you know, until about the last eight, eight, nine years or so. Yeah, I was pretty big. I was always a big kid. And then eventually I became bigger

when I was writing the alphabet of manliness. So I get it. I remember, like, my pants size were huge. I found some of my old pair of pants. I can, like, fit in one leg. Oh, yeah. You've lent me some of your old pants. They're huge.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's gross. So most of the bitching comes from salon.com and Huffington Post, and they complain about how the media is obsessed with weight and image. However, here is a quote. Yeah, but it's the media. It's like pictures. Of course they're obsessed with it.

Yeah, and they say it's so unfair because it happens to women all the time, and that's about it, right? And, yeah, it is the media. That's what they do. I guess. It's what they do. They deal an image. Yeah, and it's not just women. Chris Christie, it's always fat jokes about Chris Christie and Rob Ford and drug jokes, I guess, because of Rob Ford.

But here's a quote from a media, from the Associated Press. For a guy who runs a manly man's website, he's just what you'd imagine him to be in person. T-shirt, jeans, and a physique shaped by spending hours in front of a computer or playing video games. That was by Debbie Hummel for the Associated Press, and she was writing about me. That's accurate. Yeah, it's accurate. I didn't take offense to it. She's like, all right.

I mean, why are you saying it? She commented, because she still commented something about my physique when she didn't have to. And this is exactly what Salon's complaining about. This is exactly what Huffington Post

is complaining about. And it's happened to me. And guess what? I move on, folks. It's not the end of the world. There's bigger problems in this life. Right, so you don't have a problem with her. No, but I'm just saying.

Like, it happened. Like, this is coming from somebody who's actually experienced it. You know what we should do? We should all just have, like, ration cards for shaming or insulting people and you just have your pack of the day

and when you insult someone you can just give them the card here you go like I just called you a big fatso So you get a quota? Yeah but then other people give you their cards and then you get more

to go around It's like a hate bartering system All right Like you hit somebody up for being bald And then they say I don't know What would you say to me

Like I'm too handsome or something Stupid hair Stupid hair. Okay. Your hair looks like a girl and it's ugly and it's frizzy. Here you go. I didn't say that. I'd get three cards for that.

And then I could go insult three other people. Right? That's pretty great. That'd be a great system. And if you're out of cards, if somebody insults you and they don't have a card on them, then there should be a penalty. You get to punch them right in the mouth. Right in the genitals. Or mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. You break their teeth. All right. Is that your problem? That's my problem. Is that a universal problem?

Fat shaming? No, shame shaming is. Yeah. You're never supposed to make anyone ashamed of everything. Now there's this movement on Facebook, too, where kids who do something bad, their parents make them hold a sign and then post the picture on social network. And then it was like, oh, what a terrible parent. That's crazy. What's crazy?

That people are shaming them or parents who do this? Their parents would make their kids do that. Wrong. No, what are you talking about? So they're shame shaming. That's shame shaming. No, I'm not. No, that's just a crazy parenting strategy.

Because you're a horrible person. No. If your kid fucks. If your kids, like, getting into drugs or screwing around at school or something like that, you want to teach them a lesson. It's because you're a shitty parent. That's why. You don't compound shitty parenting with more shitty parenting. You look at yourself and say, what did I do to cause this maniac?

Bolesh. I'm neglecting them in some way. No, absolutely not. I have friends who have families where there's two normal daughters, two normal sons, whatever. They grow up great. They're productive. They have healthy lives. And then there's one fuck up in the family who's doing drugs and getting tattoos and shit.

So you're telling me they're bad parents because one of the kids is, falling out of line? I'm saying that they did something different with that one. He obviously had different needs that they didn't address. They don't come out like that. Well, potentially, yes, but sometimes it's out of your control. Like, if they fall into the wrong crowd. You don't use Facebook to, like, publicly humiliate them. That's crazy.

Why is that crazy? Because it's totally impersonal. Like, you have, if you're a parent, you need to have like a personal interaction with your kid, you don't say, hey, everybody, check this dumb kid out. I'm pulling it. his fucking pants down in front of the whole world. It's basically the same. No, it's not the same.

It's causing the same kind of humiliation. That's fucking crazy, man. You think humiliation is bad? You think shaming is bad? I think it's a bad parenting technique. Is it? Yes. If you get caught stealing, your dad makes you stand outside in front of, outside the store.

My dad would ask me why I got caught. Okay. Okay. Good parent. Good parent. Great parent. Great parent. Awesome.

But if you're standing outside a store with a sign that says, I got caught stealing. No, that's fucking crazy. Is that crazy? Is that crazy? Is that crazy? Your parents should... Does it? Yes.

You don't... You have to understand why they did it. You don't just react to it. You say, okay, well, why did you steal it then? Like, what's going on? What do you want? Attention? What were you trying to show off for your friends?

You don't say, I don't care why you did it. Here, I'm going to pull your fucking pants down in front of the store and make you sit there. Because it's just humiliating. Look, I'm all on board with this for, like, adults. Yeah. But not for kids. That's crazy. Ah, come on.

It's not pulling pants. down, your example's off. It's the same thing. No, no way. It's the same thing because all they know is that they're sitting there doing something humiliating that their parents made them do. Well, yeah, but you can do both. You can sit down and ask them why they stole, get to the root cause of the problem, and also teach them a lesson. You want to put their hand

in the stove sometimes. No, you do not. Don't know you. No, you do not. All right, this is going to the comments, because I'm going to see, I think people are going to side with me. They're going to say that you should put your kids' hand in the stove. Let them touch the stove. There's going to be people who have kids and people who don't responding to this. And the people who have kids are going to know you're totally fucking

out of control on this. That's totally wrong. All right. More next time with Dr. Phil. Go on. Oh, you always throw a screwball in at the end. There you go. All right. So, I thought I brought a pretty good problem last time with global warming. But I've got

an even bigger problem this episode. Oh, boy. Leaving your fly open. Oh. All right, interesting. Why is that a problem? Because it happens to me all the time. Yeah.

I work at home and I've like knocked it out of my routine. Mm-hmm. You know? Because it's just easier to not deal. You just don't zip up? Yeah, yeah, I've done it, yeah. But now I can't get it back. You can't remember to zip up your fly?

No. Like, uh, I was in the elevator, realizing it was down and the elevator, like, stopped. It's a floor, a couple floors down. Yeah. So I'm, like, panicking to zip it up. Yeah. So this girl. This hot girl walks in and I'm like playing with my zipper on the elevator.

That's pretty cool though, man. You want a hot girl to walk in and see you fiddling around with your jog. She's like, oh, what's going on down there? I don't think that's what you want. Absolutely, dude. I've gotten so many dates that way. Actually, I just wanted to tell you this story. I knew it.

There's always some bullshit personal anecdote. Let's hear it. So this is, okay, I was doing the show, all right? Like a theater show. Sketch show. Right. which I do So I had

Part of the sketch was That I had to have Raspberries on all my fingers Right So I'm like a bad guy With raspberry fingers Yeah yeah yeah You know what you understand

Sure Yeah it's funny Okay So I'm dressed like a dickhead And I have all these raspberries on my fingers And like a bad guy suit on Oh And I'm getting ready to come out

And do the big reveal And I'm supposed to come out right when this girl dies, right? Right. So she gets shot in the scene. And I look down, getting pumped up, and I see that my fly is wide open. Like, in a suit, fly wide open, and I'm wearing, like, gold underpants for some reason, because I thought they would be fun to wear, like, bright yellow underpants from American apparel. You always want to wear fun things.

I do. I like funder pants. I like wearing some fun underwear. So you're wearing your... So I... I go to zip them up, but I've got raspberries all over my fingers. So I can't grab the zipper, right? Because a suit zipper is very difficult. You know what I was... That's unfortunate.

Yeah. So I start running around backstage. Like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you got to zip up my zipper. I don't have time to explain this while the girl's dying on stage. I'm like, you have to zip on my zipper. You, you have to zip on my zipper. So these girls are looking at me like the sideways. face, the puppy face.

And like, I get a girl to do it and she kind of jabs at my groin with like her, like a pinch move. Yeah. Like there's a spider that's about to lurch out of my fly. Yeah. So I'm like, ah, that's not going to work. Like, I got to find someone else. So I go

to another girl and I'm like, look, you got to say, this is the girl's dying like right now. And you're supposed to be out. You're missing a cue. I haven't missed it yet. Because she's really stretching it out. Thank God. Find a girl to do it. And she has the same weird pinch thing. Like there's going to be a bug crawling out of my.

Just use two hands. You got to use two hands. Like, trust me. It doesn't work without two hands. So she does. She grabs it and I, it worked.

Oh. You made it out in time. I made it out in time. No one was the wiser. Wow. It's very traumatic, though. That was almost, that was almost dangerous.

It was almost, that was almost exciting. You weren't excited by that at all? I mean, No. You know what I, why don't you do this? When you, when you fly, you pull your fly down. Don't you leave the little handle out, like the little flap, the little thing, the little handle? Yeah, of course. Yeah. So why was it so hard for these girls to like to crab claw it up? Because they don't know, girls don't know how to zip up a guy's zipper. When has a girl ever done that?

They shouldn't be expected to. They're always, they know how to zip it down. They shouldn't have to learn how to zip it up. That's terrible. You never want a girl zip up. It's one hand to zip it down. Yeah. It's no problem. Zipping it up. You can't. Girls don't know. They have to grab that little bunch of fabric underneath where your crotch is and then kind of hold that while you zip up with the other side so it gets taught. They don't know that. Right. Right?

No, no, no. But girls have zippers. They know that. No, no, no, no. Their zippers are totally different, though. Plus, you got your junk floating around down there? They don't want to just, like, assume and get a handful of balls. Again, Dick, your problem is something completely self-inflicted that isn't quite a problem.

Maddox. This is a bigger problem in my universe than anything else. Than any other problem we just on the show? Yeah, is my friggin' fly because I do it like every day. Oh my gosh. You know, I'll tell you what the potential problem here is. You've never done this? It's very embarrassing.

Of course I've done it. I actually did a show. I have my own show experience with my fly down. So I came out on the stage and I was doing the introduction to the show. And I asked for a suggestion from the audience and somebody said, zipper. And I thought, oh, okay, zipper. So we went back to the show, went on, I swear, like months later, and I kept thinking back. I'm like, that's an interesting zipper.

And I remember, because I remember the pair of pants I was wearing that night, and it had buttons. It didn't even have a zipper. It was one of those with all the buttons. Yeah. And so I kept thinking about it, and I realized something I do with that, I only button one of the buttons. So it looks like it's open all the time. and that's what they were referring to. They were telling me my fly was down,

and I didn't get it until months later. Why do you only button one of the buttons? Because for the longest time, it was a pain in the ass. You don't want a bunch of buttons. You're not putting on a suit. You're just zipping up your dick. Why do you have a button fly then? I don't know, man.

I bought this pants up by accident. I dig him now, though. I'm into the button flies. All right, well, that's my problem. I think it's worse than shame-shaming. No, it's not. There's absolutely nothing at stake. Nobody cares.

People seeing your underwear. No, you know what? The real problem for you is that people are going to see your small dick. Ha, ha. Yeah. They're going to see your little gremlin. Yeah. You're going to see your cute little gremlin in that.

You have nicknames for my dick? That's weird. That's not a nickname, dude. A gremlin isn't a name. It's a thing. That's weird. It's a category. It's like calling it a cat.

Okay. Oh. I'm done. All right. I'm done with that. What's your problem? My second problem is, my last problem actually. Yeah.

The movie rate. system. What, like R and PG-13? R, PG-G, the movie rating system. Now, this is a big problem because it causes censorship. And when the MPAA was

first created back in like the 19, I believe it was like the 1920s, the reason the MPAWA, the Motion Picture Association of America was created was because the government was starting to come down on the motion picture industry because of puritanical beliefs. And they wanted whole

some movies and theaters. And they threatened the motion picture industry. They said, look, if you guys don't regulate yourselves, we're going to come in and regulate you for you. Yeah. That's exactly what's happened to the health industry right now with Obamacare. That's what's happened. No, that's not what happened in the other industry. Oh, absolutely. They were turning away people. Yeah, but because the health

industry was turning away people with pre-existing conditions and shit like that, the government's like, no more. You guys lose your car. This is a whole other thing. That is bullshit. No, if industries don't regulate themselves, the government does it for them. That's what happened with video games? What, the government told them the same thing?

They were under threat. There was Congress was having hearings left and right because of Immortal Combat and because of Grand Theft Auto and they said, look, if you guys don't get your own rating system, we're going to make one for you. And you never want the government

to make their own rating system because it gets tied up in bureaucracy and all this other bullshit. So in success, the movie industry made a rating system. Good for them. Great. Good for them. Solution, right? Wrong. Because you fast forward to today

and what's happened is movie companies know that they will make significantly less money if they release a rated R movie. Oh, I know, dude, it sucks. Right? That's why the new diehard movies are all dog shit compared to the original. I saw Die Hard 4 as my first diehard movie.

That's unfortunate. Right, but I didn't know that at the time. I watched it, I'm like, okay, it's an okay movie. I don't get what the big deal is. Everybody hated it. Then I went back and I watched the original. Perfect. And it was incredible.

It was just mind-blowing, so good. The atmosphere, the acting, everything about it was great. And part of it is that they created this, universe fully. In Diehard, John McLean was walking down a hallway. There's this just throwaway scene where he's walking down a hallway and he passes the security station. In the security station

there's a bunch of pornography pinned up. Yeah, cool. Right? It just that little moment sets a kind of atmosphere that you can't get... There's danger. Yeah, there's danger. It's a seedy place and it's also realistic because you immediately know the kind of guy who's a security guard who pins

up porn and you know what that says about the company that hires him and you know what that says about the building oversight and the supervisors who live there. So you think, oh, yeah, that's kind of realistic that John McLean could get through here and there's no security guards on the top floor because it's run by a bunch of fuck-ups.

They have porn hanging out there. That little throwaway detail. Plus you get to see tits. And plus you get to see tits, absolutely. So that little throwaway detail added so much to that tiny little scene that was on screen for maybe a few seconds. And you miss that today in movies

because companies are so desperate. They're so hungry for that PG-Rating. or PG-13 rating. Did you see the new Robocop movie? You know, it's really shameful. Can I just say one thing? I did see the new Robocop and I loved it. Even though it was PG-13, it was pretty cool.

Terrible. You didn't like it? Oh, so stupid. It was like watching a boring video game where nothing's at stake and nobody gets hurt. I don't know. There's no way they could have topped the original Robocop when it came to violence, though.

I did like it. But Expendables 3, I'm actually, like, offended that they went PG-13 with Expendable. Endable three. After, people like, dummies like me were on board for one, which is okay, two, which was all right. It's like, okay, come on, we got you guys a budget for this. Can't you do like an awesome R-rated movie?

And now they're like, ah, F you. It's PG-13. You know, stay true to the pedigree. It's a series that came from R-rated, stay true to the R-rated rating. Stay true to the characters. Stay true to the source material. Don't change horses midstream and say, okay, now it's a PG-13 property because we're going to sell to kids.

And by the way, the original Robocop sold gangbusters to kids. They sold action figures, video games, comic books, everything was sold to kids, and it was an R-rated property. Yeah. And I remember watching it. Yeah. I don't know why can't kids watch that... Why can't kids see boobs? They can and they do, and that's what made it so fucking cool to watch R-rated movies when we were kids,

because we had a sneak to do it, and it was a fun thing, and we talked about it at school. But now it's a PG-13 bullshit-ass movie where my parents are going to go, I'd be embarrassed to see a movie with my parents. Any movie my parents would approve me of watching, I don't want to watch. Yeah. So here it sounds pretty, that sounds pretty reasonable. Originally. It's weird, though, that kids, like, immediately can see, like, you can have, you can steal your mom's phone for two seconds and see, like, the most hardcore porn.

Yeah, of course. On the earth, but you can't go see, you can't even see somebody cursing in a movie. Yeah, that war is lost. It's weird. When the MPD. See, that's the nonsense that that guy's talking about in the comments that I read earlier. No, you, okay. So the original ratings when they were creating these guidelines,

here are some things that they weren't allowed to show in movies. Blasphemy. That was originally. This is the roots of the MPAA rating system. Mercy killings. That's specific. Very specific. And white slavery.

Oh, like chicks getting sold into white slavery? Shanghai operations, I guess. You can't have any white slavery. These were things that they specifically outlawed by the MPWA. Well, you know what? It was never an actual law. There were guidelines for the studios. However, they enforced them very heavy-handedly.

Till what we get today is this really opaque system where you don't really know why your movie gets its rating, and they won't tell you what you have to change specifically, but they'll just say, sorry, you have to go back and change a whole bunch of shit. That's why Matt Stone and Trey Parker when they were making... Yeah. What's the movie?

South Park. No, no, the other one, the Puppet movie. Oh, Team America? Team America. When they were making Team America, they went above and beyond with the sex scenes in the movie because they knew the MPAA was going to come down with the banhammer and they kept cutting stuff from the sex scenes in the movie.

These are sex. This is sex simulated by puppets, by the way. Which shouldn't matter, it's puppets. It's just two people holding action figures and just going, ah, ah, like who cares? Which kids do? Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. That's all I do with my puppets.

So the MPAA came down with the banhammer so many times. They eventually cut it down to exactly what Matt Stone and Trey Parker wanted. because they thought, you know what, we got to give them some red meat to cut, so they started with some really raunchy sex scenes in the puppet, like as raunchy as puppets can get. It was pretty raunchy, that scene with the puppets? Puppets, man, who cares?

Little wooden pegs. Suggestive? Yeah, well, I guess. So in 1956, they made a revision to the code. It's the PCA code, and it was the first update since 1930, and the revision allowed for the treatment of some subjects, which had previously been forbidden,

including abortion, and the use of narcotics so long as they were within the limits of good taste. You can have a tasteful abortion. And then they replaced the X rating with the NC17. Now, I'll tell you why this is a big problem. So it causes censorship in movies. They make movies tamer to chase that dollar. Well, I don't really like to go see action movies anymore

because they're all just, like, kind of lame. They're all... With the PG-13 shit. Yeah, they're all tame. There's nothing going on. There's no sex in them. I mean, and I'm not just saying sex in the literal sense. I'm talking about, you know, sex it up with some action.

So here's where it's a problem. They're talking about now in universities, colleges and universities about adding trigger warnings to literature. Have you heard about this? What do you mean like a book? They're going to rate books? Yep, that's what's coming. So I am absolutely opposed. I argued with this guy on IRC for about an hour about why trigger warnings were a problem.

You should not. What's a trigger warning exactly? Oh, Jesus. Trigger warnings. So every time now, now trigger warnings are just. generally only for rape victims. I mean, there are trigger warnings for everything, but generally when people talk about them.

Oh, like, be careful when you read this book if you've had, like, if you've ever been raped or... Any kind of like trauma, like sexual trauma, whatever. I understand it. They have good intentions. Like, I get it. You have good intentions. You're trying to protect rape victims.

Yeah, but that's the worst possible thing you can have is good intentions. It really is. It really is. Like, the good or your intentions are, and the less plan you have, the more harm you cause. I disagree.

But anyway, that's a different argument. I don't know, man. I would rather have a guy with bad intentions than deal with an idiot with good intentions any day. I think most people have good intentions. Well, yeah, that's the problem. Yeah.

Well, no, the problem is their execution. If they had good intentions, they knew how to execute. The problem is nobody's a manager. Like, we need more good CEOs and managers in the world. That's why they're so few and far between. If you knew how to execute on your good intentions, intentions, you'd be awesome. But most people aren't. So it's the same reason why people shouldn't have my space because they shouldn't design their own website. People aren't designers. They shouldn't be, they shouldn't have that much control over their bullshit website. And if they want to, they could create their own website. So you want more CEOs? I'm not surprising.

Good CEOs. What's a good CEO to you? Somebody who takes a minimum wage salary and always has the right answer to everything? I don't know, man. I'm pretty sure you don't like what's going on with CEOs in the world. Most CEOs are bullshit now. But there are some good ones. Like Elon Musk, he's doing some good things, I think.

But you would disagree because you think Tesla's a problem. So anyway. But back to this trigger warning thing. So they have good intentions. They want to protect people who've had trauma from additional trauma by saying, hey, by the way, there's a rape scene in this. there's slavery in this, there's some language in this or whatever, then you kind of have to think, okay, well, where do we stop?

Stop there. Don't do that. No, well, we should stop before we start. But what trauma do we include on this list of trigger warnings? Because lots of things give people PTSD, including fat shaming. Should we say in the syllabus or in the titles of the book or the credits of the book say, warning there's some offensive language in here? Is this happening in a college or with all books?

What the hell? They're starting to suggest it in colleges that they put trigger. warnings on literature. Now here's what's coming next. See that's really stupid. Well I'll tell you what it seems innocuous it seems like okay who cares let's just protect rape victims right but here's oh it seems like a big like a stupid waste of time. Okay why? Because like what you don't know did so are you not reading the book then? No no okay so let me get to let me get to this so if you start that you start with these trigger warnings right? Yeah. What's coming next is a rating system and as soon as they start rating books I guarantee

in fucking tea. The same thing's going to happen to books that has happened to movies. And that's when we see the start of the end, censorship in books. As soon as we see censorship in books, because publishers, as soon as publishers find out, oh, hey, guess what, to kill a mockingbird, if we remove this in this passage, more schools will carry it. So let's go ahead and remove it so we get this rating. Didn't they take like N-word Jim out of Huckleberry Finn? Out of Huckleberry Finn. That's where this controversy started. They said, hey, that's really offensive. Let's take this out. No, it's literature. It stays in, period. No,

trigger warnings, no ratings, end of story. Hey, guess what? Life isn't going to always be safe for you. You're not guaranteed to never be offended. Uh-huh. It sounds like a stupid plan that I don't think is going to give. I'm not really worried about books getting banned. It's getting momentum, dude.

As soon as we have trigger warnings, next thing is ratings. And as soon as we have ratings, publishers aren't going to greenlight books that have offensive content in it. Oh, then we'll just have to put everything online. Fine. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

And then that neutrality would come along and say, oh, well, you want access to this website, you have to have an adult pass, and you should pay a little bit extra. And next thing you know, everything's gone to shit, and then we're stuck behind slow drivers, and we can't shame our kids. Yeah, I'm trying to digest this book band that you're proposing. Hmm? That's, that's, it would be stupid, but it seems like a hell of a leap. Yeah. And by the way, I just, just before we wrap up this problem, I just want to say about the, like, the fat thing.

You know, there's, there's like hot fat people, too, right? What do you mean? Just that, there are hot fat people do. I don't know. Like, men? No. I mean, if you're attracted to men, sure. No.

You're saying there's hot fat women? Why are you asking me, though? Yeah, yeah. Because I was just thinking about the fat-shaming thing. Like, people can think that you're still attractive and still overweight. I mean, I don't know. I guess so. You don't think that's possible?

Well, I don't. You don't personally. But some people do. Sure. There's an entire genre of porn. called BBW. Yeah. Or BBM?

Are you saying that to cover your bases so you don't offend fat chicks? Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing. Well, you failed. Oops. Well. I think this is a great example of intentions being the right place, though. You actually want to help fat people lose weight. No, I don't.

I don't care. Like, live your life how you want. Oh. As long as I don't have to pay for it, do your thing. All right. Well. Yeah. I have fat friends and I used to be a fat person.

I get it. And by the way, some of my fat friends are fat because they choose to be. They like food. and they just want to eat a lot of it. I get it. All right, do your thing, dude. You know the risks. You know the potential drawbacks,

and you know the benefits. The benefits is you get to eat anything you want all the time. How great would it be to wake up every day and just eat? I don't know, like a wedding cake every day. An entire wedding cake. I don't really like sweets. Oh, that's a mistake. That's because you were never a former fatty.

I'm a former fatty. I know good food. But this is why I'm saying it's like liquor. That's like I would say, like, I wish I could just be like three beers in all day every day. That would be perfect for me. I just assumed that you were.

Very good. Let's wrap it up. What are the problems this week? Shame-shaming for me and the movie rating system. I got indignant drivers and with the surprising revelation that you are a

road rageaholic. I'm not a hollick. And leaving your fly open. Which I think everyone can identify with? No. First of all, chicks don't have this problem. You've immediately alienated 50% of the population.

I don't know, do they? No, they don't. Probably. They have flies. I've never had to tell a chick, hey, man, your flies down. Well. And then, yeah, your road rage problem, which you're the problem. You're driving so slow.

I don't drive slow. I just don't honk like you. Why don't you honk? Aren't you consider it? Don't you want people to move? Because it is obnoxious. You're bothering everyone with your honking. You think you're targeting that message at one person,

but you're really just bothering everyone, making them all anxious, and it serves no purpose. It accomplishes nothing. If you get anxiety from hearing honking while you drive, don't fucking drive. That's the nature of the horn jackass. It is a disruptive noise.

Of course everyone gets anxiety when they hear it. It's designed to cause anxiety. No, you don't get anxiety. It's designed to say, hey, buddy, move it. No, that's not what it says. It's everyone hears in their ear a blaring sound, and it freaks them out a little bit. You're causing more accidents than you're saving. Absolutely not.

Okay, if you're standing in line at the bank teller and the guy in front is texting and fucking around and not paying attention, the window's open, the cashier's open, everyone's waiting. Do you think it's obnoxious to say, hey, man, there's a cashier. Hey, you're up. Oh, really? That might give somebody anxiety, dick. Better not do it. No, what I don't do is, ah, ah, ah, like that. I just say, hey, you're up.

But in a car, you don't have that ability. If I had a horn. If I had a horn in a bank, you bet your ass I'd use it. Yeah, you're an asshole. Let's go, asshole. Let's move it. I got to cash this check. All right, let's wrap it up.

All right. So check it out. The biggest problem in the universe.com. Don't forget to vote. And you better not fuck this up. What? What did I do? It's going to be the last one.

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