The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 90

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from cheese pizza to amnesia. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what shooter shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up funny? Sean, our audio engineer in the studio with us is boisterous. Welcome back. Hey guys.

We have an audience, Paige is listening. We have Randy listening. Full House. The beautiful page and the beautiful Randy. Both here. I wish amnesia was a bigger problem. Like, growing up in the 80s, I thought when I grew up, up that I'd be encountering all these cases of amnesia all the time, you know?

Like, I would have to, like, be in a situation where I'm convincing some woman that I'm, like, the love of her life because she fell off a boat and dressed. Like, I thought life was really like a soap opera. I don't know. I got to say, for me, it was quicksand. I was about to say quicksand. Yeah, for me it was quicksand. I was terrified of quicksand.

I was like, if I get in the quicksand, I got to stay totally still and blah, blah, blah. Like, I had all these quicksand strategies. Yeah. They taught them in school. didn't they? I swear I've learned a quicksand strategy from some like a legitimate authority figure as a child multiple times. You try to lay your body out as flat as possible. Why do we know this? We will never encounter quicksand. You don't struggle and you try to spread your, you know, your mass out as much as possible so you're not sinking down. It was, it was a plot device in almost every single movie, sitcom, cartoon, TV show. Everything had quicksand in the 80s. There was a really fast. I think it was this American life where they talked about the decline of quicksand as a device gimmick. And it kind of talked about, you know, usually the media that we consume reflects the troubles and the turmoil that we're going through in our time. And they made some kind of analogy that it had to do with the Cold War.

Like, for example, in the 1950s, the increase of huge spike of sci-fi movies. You know, UFOs coming from Mars, right? The red threat, the red scare had to do with McCarthyism and communism. And now what are zombies? Gay marriage? All these gays, because the gays come in and they bite you and then you turn gay. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Men, women, kids, it doesn't matter.

You're a gay now. Very astute, very astute observation. I'm going to go write a think piece on it. Publish it on Mike.com. But guys, speaking of problems, the biggest problem in the universe from last week was affluenza, Followed by people who talk about their dreams. Time for last. No, it's negative.

It's in the negative now. It is? It is. It is, yeah. So people enjoy hearing about dreams. Yeah, Dick, because I got an email from someone. You like this. Smug acceptance of that admission.

There's an email from a guy named Ben. He says, hey, Dick and Maddox, I just wanted to share a story with you about how sharing your dreams with people can lead to something good. Maddox, you mentioned last episode that some people consider dreams to contain a certain amount of pre-exampton. recognition to them. While I don't appreciate the armchair psychology you seem to be bordering on, but let me tell you how dreams can sometimes trick people in giving you what you want.

Last week, I had a dream about a female friend of mine whom there has always been a bit of sexual tension. Ooh, this could be an erotic story. Yeah, where's the theme song? Hold on. Do you have it? Yeah. Of course I have it. I listen to it several times a day. It's a ringtone. Oh, man. Maybe I don't have it. Close enough. God. Last week I had a dream about a female friend of mine with whom there has always been a bit of sexual tension. In the dream, I ended up having sex with this girl in quite vivid and frankly, disgusting ways. I decided to tell her about the dream when I woke up the next day, leaving out the gross details, of course, thinking she would simply find it funny, she simply responded with one word.

Interesting. Oh. Wow. All right. I think you see where this is headed. Whoops. That's right. It's the disgusting.

It's disgusting. That's disgusting. To butt town. That's right. So the next time I hang out with her, she brings up the sex dream I had. And the next thing you know, we're heading straight to Poundown. I was riding the one-eyed wonder worm all the way down her Hershey Highway. Oh, so you were right.

It was right. Yeah. There we go. So let this serve as a piece of inspiration for you, too. Dreams can come true. And he spelled com, C-U-M. Sorry for the bad pun. Love your show, guys.

Keep doing what you're doing. And Dick, don't go fuck yourself. fuck the girl of your dreams. You can listen up to a presentation of erotic stories of real men. Brought to you by the biggest problem in the universe. I wish that guy was more erotic sounding. That's pretty erotic. Okay, so let's see what we've learned here.

That is a great thing to do if you're trying to feel a girl out is just lie and say you had a sex dream with her and see what her response is. That's a really good idea. Right? Because if she's not into it, it's like, oh, it's just a dream. Just a job. It's so funny.

Yeah, and you're not putting yourself on the line at all. At all. It's a dream. I had no control over this. It has to be someone you know well enough, but not so well, that you're in the friend zone, which you put yourself there. But it's somebody, so for example, if you, because I've seen this line backfire on guys where they go up to a girl and they're like, hey, we should make out.

And the girl's like, what? And goes, ha ha, it's just a joke. That's really aggressive. That's a really aggressive way to approach that subject. And very unromantic. More so than just lying about dreaming? Yes. Yes.

Lying about having sex with a person is way more aggressive. It's a dream. It's a dream, man. It could mean anything. Yeah, I get what you're saying. But then they always back down and say, oh, it was a joke. And you could even say, you know, I had this weird dream and this girl, she had these characteristics and test her out to see if she's aware of these characters.

sticks in herself, get her to say, that sounds a lot like me. Then you got nothing on the line. Yes, exactly. It's off the top of my head. Yeah. Brilliant, Dick. Wait, no, let me say that again. Brilliant, Dick. Thank you. Thanks, thanks both of you.

I enjoy my snark more than you guys do. Sean, last episode, you mentioned that you know, when we were talking about the judge's sentencing of the shithead kid, Ethan Couch, who's back in the news, because he finally got extradited back to the United States. You were saying that the judge can't consider the past... I said I didn't know.

Oh, okay, okay. Well, they can. For the record, judges... Okay. Judge is absolutely can. Interesting. Yeah, whether or not the offender is a first time or repeat offender. These are all factors that go into the punishment. Whether or not the offender was an accessory, whether the offender committed the crime under great personal stress or duress, whether anyone was hurt, whether the crime was committed in a manner that was unlikely... A prior crime? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so they can bring in his history.

Yes, of course. Interesting. So is it that lawyers can't? The judge can exclude lawyers from bringing in something that has nothing to do with the case. The judge can't, yeah. They can't from bringing in anything. But I thought Sean's point was that the judge wouldn't include the parent's actions. Like the parents were assholes, but I thought that that's what the point you were making, Sean. I could be wrong. But the judge's punishment for this kid was probation in the hopes that the kid would supposedly get therapy and the help that he needs.

Intrusting the parents to do this. When the parents initially gave him the car when he didn't have the license to drive, the parents enabled him to, when the teacher wanted to punish this kid for driving to school at the age of 13, the parents simply took him out of school and homeschooled him. The parents didn't give him any kind of punishment for getting caught. He was arrested three months prior to this for being drunk in a parking lot with a half-naked, half-naked 14-year-old girl in his car. How old is he?

He was at the time, I think, or actually... 13? He's got a half-naked 14-year-old? No, yeah. No, no, at this time, he was 16. Yeah. At this time, he was 16. No, he got arrested. He was 16.

So he had to be at least 14. No, he was 15. Because this was three months prior. Which half? Do you think he was naked? It was the left half. By the way, I think you should be able to bring in a prior history. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, and they can also consider whether the offender was particularly. particularly cruel or particularly destructive or vindictive or whether the offender is genuinely contrite and remorseful, which he wasn't, because immediately after the wreck, he went up to survivors, you know, the bits and pieces that he found littered throughout the freeway, trying to tell them to remember his name so his parents could get them off the hook. Real piece of shit, this guy. I got a, and then you also brought in that email from the economist. The guy that had the masters in economic policy. Remember that? Yeah. So this guy, For anyone who hasn't heard the last episode. He wrote an email giving his advice on what he would do with winning the lottery. Because he said specifically that the lottery can go bankrupt, so it's not good to take the annuity. Well, no, we have a number of points. That was more of like a funny point that he threw off the top. His bigger points were that the idea of doubling your money in 30 years was something you could easily do,

and that touching the principle is what bankrupts people. Yeah, it was pretty good financial. Yeah, no, it's not. No, it's not. For lottery winners, who 70% of which the odds are against you, Dick, that you're going to be a prudent investor. That was the whole point of the New York Times article is that they said, I know that you invest in the lottery,

so I know that you're probably not one of the greatest financial minds of our time. People who invest in the lottery also don't know about ETFs, and they're not very privy and savvy about the stock market. But he was telling them how to be a proper investor, but just real conservative investments with a large principle. Investment advice. Right. He was suggesting that they buy a lot.

lottery tickets. No, no, but you're saying here's what you do if you won. Yeah, I get it, I get it. But no one would do that. No one would, like 70, the odds are against it. No one would do that. And this guy, this Cameron Herman says,

so much for the Masters in Economic Policy, Dick. The email you received claimed that Illinois had stopped paying lottery winners due to bankruptcy. That's not entirely the case. Lottery winners who won more than $600 received an IOU from the state, which they still received

once the state finally passed its budget for the year. Oh, an IOU. It's just as good as money. That's what A whole briefcase full of them That's a car That's a You're gonna want to keep that one

That's uh That's essentially Yeah but that's essentially what cash and checks are I mean you can use cash and checks to buy goods Well that's the difference So you can use one to buy food And you can't use the other one But that's the only way they're different

So they're totally worthless If you have an IOU From the lottery commission Look if I got an IOU From a state government I assume we'd have more credibility Than an IOU from me By stoner friends

to break or from Dickman. I'm going to write you and I owe you right now. Oh, I'll take it. A million bucks. Oh, what a generous friend. With the annuity, however, money is invested in a couple of dozen different types of securities, all backed in some

way by the U.S. government agencies. Regardless of what happens with the securities or the lottery, any government agencies, the lottery winner still possesses a 100% guaranteed income stream over time. That's by the Powerball Commission. By the way, ETFs go down in value often. I looked up the top 100

ETF indexes, and all of them had gone down in over the course of a few months and years. Depends on the one that you invest in. You understand that's the stock market, right? Yeah, that's what the stock market does. Exactly. Yeah. Well, I would assume that by exchange traded funds, he would mean buying a larger index fund. I mean, yeah.

I mean, like, I wouldn't buy an ETF of, like, oil, or I wouldn't buy, like, an ETF of, like, an energy thing. I would just buy the total market. So his advice is become a good investor. Oh, great advice you had. Well, honestly, it was seriously, all you need to do to become a good investor, if you want to invest at all, is just buy an ETF of the total market. Because when the whole market goes up, you make money. When the whole market goes down, you make money. You lose money.

You're not, you don't have to follow the financials of one corporation because it's like Enron was a safe bet until it fucking went away. You know, Disney's a real safe bet right now, 10 years from now. Who the fuck knows? But if you invest in the whole market, you're fine. So the advice is, rather than to sit and wait for a guaranteed 100% payout that does not lose value, because the Powerball Commission has more money than most states combined. But your money loses value over time because you're fighting inflation. Don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry, you're right. Asteris, you get $2 million. If you get $2 million today versus $2 million tomorrow. Yeah, there might be a little bit of inflation, but you could still... You can still... What the fuck are you doing, Randy?

Randy has an air horn. Great, Randy. Uh-huh. Perfect. You can still invest the money that you do get, because $2 million per year is not small change. You can still invest that money into an ETF and still have the backup of an annuity.

And this guy lied about the lottery commission going bankrupt. This is a solution. The bobblehead solution when you want someone to stop talking. Like, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Speaking of solutions, we had a great solution episode. Oh, Madics, don't medics. We're just joking. Yeah.

No, Siri, come on. It's hilarious joke. Look, I'll engage then. Honestly, I agree that you shouldn't touch the principle and you should live off the interest. Don't you? Of course you could. Well, we're all, that's what we all think. I'm nodding my head because it's like, well, there's honestly nothing to disagree with here.

Right. Yeah, that's why I'm nodding my head. It's like, of course you shouldn't touch the principle. That's economics 101. The point is, though, the reason I mentioned that taking the annuity makes more sense is because statistically, you will go bankrupt when you win the lottery. I agree that you should take the annuity.

Of course, I agree with that too. All right. We all agree. So we did just have a new Solutions episode. Yep, you can pick up on the website. We also had Randy made us read a set of cards that I'm going to read now because Randy's in the studio right now.

And they're, what would you call these guidelines for the show from now on? Rules? Conduct, laws. Can we call them? Okay, here they are. Bylaws.

Bylaws, that's a good one. You both, this is from Randy. You both completely ignored the agenda that I had set forth last week while I was at Sundance. Well, you know, then you should be here. What were you doing at Sundance? His job. He was job. Watching dead, dead Harry Potter movies about farting.

Gay cowboys. Your fans want four problems or solutions, not a long-winded diatribe about your vague understandings of the, uh-oh, of the political and or economic systems. We fucked that one up already today. Nor constant problems that focus on your crotch-ass areas. As such, Maddox and Dick, you will each be given three strikes today. Bringing up politics is a strike. Armchair, economizing.

You better believe that's a strike. Bringing up apples strike, which I don't think we're at risk of anymore because we settled that debate. Yeah. Red Delicious are delicious. Yeah, that's me. I win. That's a strike. A bowling strike.

Extraneous interruptions, Sean, that's a strike. He grabs twice an episode. I want to see that card. There you go. It doesn't say, it doesn't say. Any other thing you do to irritate me, I'm assuming me is you. You meant you in this me, not me. Even though you wrote it knowing I would read it.

Stupid. Is that a strike? Any other thing you do to irritate me? and he wants me to read it. What kind of an idiot, right? The air horn is easily the most irritating thing, I think, that's ever been on the show. And this is a show that's had Tim Chains on it.

I don't have a sound effect on hand. Thank you. This should prove to be the most electrifying episode in the history of the universe. But we already said that in the bonus episode that you can buy on the website. All right, so those are the new rules. The strikes, three strikes, and you're out.

What happens if you're out? Don't find out. Randy's... Not a very good risk. versus reward system you've developed over there, Randy. Gotta have a risk.

Here's what you have to do. If you get the three strikes, you have to give Randy a spit-shine hand job. You have to spit on his dick and rub him off his artist. Yeah, that's a crotch mention, that's a strike. He's got two already. You know he has three because of all that economics shit as well. You brought that shit head in and the lying professor.

I didn't bring him up. You did. Last episode, Dick. It was in the comments. We do a recap of last week's show, Dick. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe where we talk about the problems from last week and then do a recap of the show and read comments.

Yeah, but you brought him up out of nowhere just to say how wrong he was. Because there was a comment about it. But you hadn't read the cards yet. To be fair. To be fair. Okay. I've got a really cool one,

a really cool thing from Jonathan Milling. Dear Maddox and Dick, I made some fan art for your show. People were giving Maddox a difficult time over his 3D sculpting skills. I don't know if you'd call them skills in Blender. And I wanted to give something a bit different for being an inspiration.

The show has made a rather ho-hum year much more bearable and entertaining. And Dick, you're all right. In the video, these are, okay, so he's made 3D models of us. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they're really cool. Really?

Better not be horseshit. No, no, no, they're cool. Is there, can they make a small enough face on a computer for you? I don't know. Let's find out. Science we'll never know. Okay.

I'm going to do me first. I'm going to use a Game Boy. Here's me. Oh, my God. Isn't that cool? That looks pretty good. Oh, shit. That's incredible.

Sean, look. Okay, what we're seeing right now, I'm not kidding. It's like a, honestly, it's a perfectly realized version of Dick Masterson. This isn't like a joke. It's not going to be a goblet or something. It looks incredible. Yeah. It's rendered in 3D.

That's really cool. It's rotating. Yeah, it looks. And he puts, it's got reflective sunglasses on, and what's in the reflection? Dr. Phil. Oh my God. It looks amazing. He modeled Dr. Phil for a reflective sunglasses joke.

This guy's cool. That's probably just a texture. It's probably a texture. Yeah, well, mine sounded more epic. I was trying to give your fans credit. Good job shooting on your fans, by the way. There's enough credit just in that. I wanted it.

I got more credit. Yeah. Classic marketing. Exactly. It is. I'm glad he mulled. You've modeled you with your old hairstyle dick. Otherwise, it would have taken forever to render all those follicles. Um, yeah, I love this. It's me and my prime.

You really want to start talking about hair? No, I don't know. It's a short conversation for me. I don't give a shit. All right, buddy. Let's take the next one. Short is generous. Here's you. Oh my God.

It's pretty cool. Jesus Christ. Weird ear. I think the ear's a little weird. We are witnessing a fully 3D. Realize Maddox says Che Guevara. He's got the eye patch. He's got a cool goate. He looks like solid snake.

He does. You look like fucking solid snake. That's incredible. That's incredible. He looks like, yeah, he looks like solid snake. That's pretty badass. That's how you would look with hair. Look, there's a lot of hair there.

Yeah. He looks a little bit skinnier than me, though. I think that guy's a little skinny. I'm a little beefier. Yeah, like around the nose. Yeah, fuck you. All right. All right.

What else we got? Anything else? What's that in this guy? Who was his name again? Here we go. Jonathan. So thanks a lot, Jonathan. That's awesome. Super cool. I got some voicemails.

Maddox, you big dumb stupid idiot. Great. So you're upset that Dick is willing to bend the rules a little bit in order to get what he wants. Yet you're willing to cut in line and expect bus drivers to break the rules for you. Oh, wait. You're super stupid. You know, I gave him the benefit of the doubt when he said, but wait, I thought he was going to follow it up with something intelligent,

you know, some argument or something like that. Yeah, I wouldn't call stealing, bending the rules. Yeah, it's breaking them. Yeah, no, it's breaking the law. Yeah. There's a difference between having some shithead bus drivers say, you have to walk a block before you get on this exact same bus. Yeah.

Versus king someone's car. Shoplifting. Well, sure. Well, sure. Well, there's no well. Absolutely. Of course. Okay.

Here's one about violent, too. Maddox, you fucking idiot. So let me get this straight. Two gay guys are getting yelled at by a violent sociopath, and you decide to key his car. Yeah. Who the hell do you think this guy is going to think key his car? I don't give a shit. He probably went out looking for them afterwards and beat the living shit out of them.

Congratulations. Fucking moron. You have two gay guys answer to him. You fucking idiot. Anyway, you're awesome. Dick, go fuck yourself. Is that guy taking out the garbage? Yeah, he's taking it. You hear all those cans and shit rattling?

He works in a Plinko machine. I'll make a call into my favorite podcast while I'm taking out the garbage. You know, I'll multitask. Listen, two things, shithead. First of all, this guy isn't like the redneck matlock. He's not going to be tracking down anyone. The only thing he's going to be tracking down is, only thing he's going to be tracking down is a can of PBR.

and to try to forget his alimony payments. This guy's a piece of shit. He's not tracking out shit. And second, the place that he went into was a bar that, on average, people spend at least an hour, at least an hour. And when I left, he was just walking in, I believe. So those gay guys were long gone. He probably doesn't remember shit because he's a drunk fucking idiot. Good.

I would key his car again. 10. 10. 10. Yeah, would key again. Exactly. You know, he's not going to go looking for those gay guys. He'll just find the next one.

Like, that's how that works. Look, man. The thing is... Violence upon violence upon... He doesn't need those gay guys. He just needs any gay guys. Poor woman, doesn't matter. Let me ask you this, Dick.

Do you think had I not keyed his car that guy would have been less violent in his life? Oh, yeah. I think you added to the cycle of rage. Well, you know what, though? Dick, sometimes punitive response works. Because if you punish somebody, they might see... You know what?

This is something. that's going to happen to me because there might be a Maddox Robinhood in the neighborhood who commits vandalism and petty crimes as justice as a form of justice and if I don't, I'm like the Batman, the petty vengeance Batman.

The Batman who's too cowardly to face someone to their face. What am I going to do? Go to jail? He wears a mask. Look, I'm going to back up Maddox on this one. But he fights people. He doesn't key their car. Batman doesn't like... Batman's also a fictional dick. On the Joker's doorstep.

Oh, I'm going to say... Okay. I got him. Hey, that would be pretty funny if he did, giving the Joker a taste of his own medicine. But I'm going to say, Dick, you don't agree with street justice? That's awesome. Thank you. If there's some fucking homophobe out there, key his fucking car.

There's probably like a list of 50 people that could have keyed this guy's car. Yeah. You know, it's true. Yeah. The assholes have a list. We're supposed to fight back. Correct. Asholes have a list of people who hate them.

It is fighting back, Dick. It's as fighting back as I'm willing to get. Yeah. I'll say that. That's because Dick is afraid of getting his car keyed if he's being an asshole. Look, man, if you're being a huge cock sucker, that is the one way that there is instant justice in the world. You know what? We're not going to court.

We're not going to people's court. And I'm not going to jeopardize my life and my livelihood to go to jail to confront this guy. He got his just deserves because he's a prick and I would do it again. 10 out of 10, what key again, buddy? That's exactly what he thinks. What do you mean exactly? I'll show that. They're going to key my car.

I'll show them even harder. This guy's going to be a homophobic, no matter what's keyed into his car. This guy's a creepo. That's what his voicemails saying. All right. Is that enough voicemails? I feel like we've already taken enough time with this.

No, I got one more. I got a quick one. This is from Reverend Scott. He hasn't called in for a while. Here's one from Reverend Scott. Yeah. Hey there, Maddox, Dick, and Sean. This is Reverend Scott.

And I like to listen to the show when I'm, like, driving in the car. You know, sometimes even my, I got a 10-year-old. and sometimes she's in the car with me. And it's kind of nice you get to hear about all the problems, like real problems, that are facing us in the world. And you got stats back up.

Sometimes Dick has the stats. I guess I just have like one question for you guys. Why is it when I have a 10-year-old in the car? That's when you've got to talk about hand jobs. And prostitutes and strippers and fucking anal and invisible puppies sucking themselves off the boobs. What the fuck? Sir, these are real things. So anyway, I just really wanted to tell you

I love the show and keep up the good work. So you realize Reverend Scott that now, not only is your 10-year-old child going to hear that, but he's going to hear it coming from you. Yeah. You just said it on the show. Sorry.

All right, guys. Let's get you a problem. Sorry if you have kids. Yeah. No, I don't apologize. Good. They should listen to it. Get smart.

All right, my problem is creators getting screwed. Okay. Creators getting screwed. What do you mean? Well, you know, I'll elaborate. but first let me just point out you guys are both creators

like you know you've both written awesome hilarious books and you know you guys both get hopefully you know a royalty off it when it gets sold

have you read my book yes I haven't really yeah your book is hysterical okay it's called men are better than women and you honestly you don't plug this book enough every single line has a punch line in it

I honestly think like as a work of comedy writing your book is like perfect. Oh, thank you. Yeah, Mannix, and I've read your book too because a lot of friends of mine before I even knew you, they were just like, oh, they would pass your book

around at college, you know, the alphabet of manliness, like get drunk, flip different pages, they'd all do readings of it. Robin actually did that, who will be on the show again soon, I believe. Yeah, Robin Higgins, we'll have it back on soon. My book is like an STD that you want. Yeah, exactly.

You can't get rid of it, but why would you want to? No, you want it. Yeah, no, I think you guys have both turned out, I mean, honestly, like, as a comedy writer, I've learned a lot from reading both your things. That's true of you. But moving on. You're welcome.

Yeah, look, I don't want to bore everybody. It's, you know, look, I put out, I put out these little Mega Man books. I get a small royalty off it. It's nice. Every couple of months, I'll get a little check. It'll pay for a pizza or something. It's nice.

Nice. Now, the comic book creators, the people that have created the characters like Superman, like the Guardians of the Galaxy, whether or not you like them, like, you know, Ghost Rider, There are all these amazing characters, Wolverine. These guys are work for hire freelancers.

So what happened, let's start out with talking about Siegel and Schuster. They're the guys that create a Superman. So this is comic book creators not getting paid enough? Or creators? I'm talking about creators getting screwed, just generally speaking. Okay. Because I'm going to talk about comic book guys because this breaks my heart. But I feel like we all have an example or two of someone from another field, a comedian, a musician.

you know, someone that puts out creative work that just gets screwed. But I'm going to talk about comics because I'm a fucking nerd. Siegel and Schuster, the guys that created Superman. You know, when they eventually sold Superman to national comics, which eventually became D.C., they were given $130, and they were told that they could work for 10 years, get paid $10 a page. But they gave the rights over to their character in order to get this contract,

which, you know, they had to do to eat because they were both really poor. And you could say like, well, you know what? Don't sign the rights over to your work if you want to profit off in the future, which is, you know, an app point. But here's the thing like there's so many examples of creators dying penniless. Eventually, Siegel and Schuster were fired and they lived in obscurity and poverty until the day they died.

And they invented who? Superman. Exactly. Segal had to get a job as a mail clerk until he died. Like the guy that created Superman, he got a job as a male clerk. That's tragic. Schuster supported himself by illustrating pornography until he was no longer well enough to see. At one point, a policeman found him sleeping on a park bench, and he died in 1992 blind and alone.

That's fucking sad. And there are all these stories of the people that create the characters that we love getting screwed because they had to sign a contract at one point that gave them no royalties in order to eat. The guy that created Ghost Rider, Gary Freidreich, you know,

there's been two Ghost Rider movies, starring Nicholas Cage. They've both made a lot of money. His contract stated that, like, after 30 years, Ghost Rider was supposed to go back to him. Well, guess who didn't want that to happen? Marvel Comics. Of course.

So they sued him they sued him for signing Ghost Rider merchandise at Comic-Conns. They sued Gary Freidreich for calling himself the creator of Ghost Rider. And the courts eventually ruled that he did not create Ghost Rider even though he did. And the courts told him to pay Marvel $17,000 in damages. For signing Ghost Rider merchandise? For signing Ghost Rider merchandise at Comic-Con. He had to relinquish his co-creator credit.

he had to stop selling his own ghostwriter sketches and other merchandise at cons. Yeah. You know who owns Marvel now? Fucking Disney. Disney. Yeah, I know. Fucking boat up Disney. Yeah.

No, Disney's a huge problem. The guy that, Guardians of the Galaxy made so, so much money. The guy that created Rocket Raccoon was unfortunately, his name is Bill Mantello. He was unfortunately hit by a car in a hit and run accident because you're a freelancer, because you don't get royalties because you can't profit off the work you created in the future. like he had all these medical bills because they're not given insurance. And so, you know, he raked up millions of dollars in hospital bills. He had substandard care at best.

He, you know, required full-time medical care since getting hit by a car. And the only reason, like, he's still alive is because of charity drives organized by, like, comic book fans and other creators. And it's like, I don't know. This just bothers me. Like, look, I know you shouldn't sign some contract that, screws you in the future, but it's just like, if you create Superman, if you're like Steve Ditko, who like, who's essentially responsible for like the Spider-Man we know, if you're Bill Finger,

the guy's created like the Batman we know, like at least hook these guys up with a pension or something. Yeah. Because they're going to, these people, the people that have created the movies we all love, they're like fucking dying in these one-bedroom apartments. They can't pay their medical bills. They can't afford heat. They can't afford food. It's just this terrible problem.

How did Stan Lee get so much money? How'd this not happen to him? Because Stan Lee... Stan Lee was a good business man. Stan Lee constantly took credit for other people's work. When he hired some... Yeah, exactly. In fact, he won a lawsuit

over the last five, six years or something like that five, six years ago. He won a lawsuit. And in this lawsuit, he got billions of dollars. It was like the biggest settlement of any... that it ever happened between like a creator and a company. Yeah. And it was because of his aggressive contracting and all that. But I will say this, this hits close to home to me as a creator.

Yeah. Because, and I'll say also one of our transcribers, Lori Foster. Lori Foster created the, part of the team has created the Super Comics, right? And as a creator, when you're starting out, it is incredibly difficult to break it into the industry or to make a living off of your art and off of your creation. Incredibly difficult. I consider myself fortunate to be able to do what I do for a living, but also because I worked my ass off.

And when you get to that point, when you're pushing that rock up the hill, that boulder up the hill, you get so close, but you throw everything into the pot. Like when my first book came out, I went 20 grand into debt. I only got $7, like $7,500 for that book as my advance. that advance they give you is supposed to pay for your livelihood. That's supposed to be your income during the portion of time that you're using to write the book because you can't work. You can't do anything else if you want to get the book out on time in any kind of reasonable timeline.

Of course, you could work some dead-end job and keep writing your book, but it just never happens that way. That advance is supposed to be what you live off of. Well, I used 100% of the advance because I had to to pay my illustrator. for that book. That was my entire budget for the book. And I paid the, I ended up having to pay them over the advance. I went 8,500 and then I went into more debt to market the book and all this other shit. So you get to that point of desperation right before you're about to make it big. And you know that your book's about to come out or your property's about to come out. You might be Steve Ditko, the newest inception, or the modern

inception of Spider-Man. And you come to that point of desperation where you need money so bad that you will sign that cheap contract, that shitty contract, and you can't afford to hire a lawyer. You can't afford to have an attorney look at anything. You can't even afford food. So if someone comes over and dangles a $15,000 check in front of you to sign away your life's work, you might be desperate enough to take it, and then you get screwed for the rest of your life. And some other company or corporation comes along makes billions of dollars off of your hard work, and you never see a dime from it. Are you out of debt now? Did the book pull you out of debt? The book did, thankfully.

I got more, except... We talked about royalties. Let's get some closure on this story. That's all I'm talking about. We talked about royalties. Generally, an author makes 8% to 10% of lists. So if your book sells for $10 on the market, you're making about 80 cents to a dollar per book.

And most books don't sell that well. The books that you hear about, like, the Dan Browns of this world or the J.K. Rowlings, they're exceedingly rare. They're less than one half of one. percent of the industry. They're a statistical anomaly. They don't even count in terms of statistics. And is that from sale one, or is it after the, I almost said the label, but after the publisher weeks. You have to make your royalty on sales before you get any more money. Correct. You have to if your royalty, if your advance was 20 grand, you've got to make 20 grand in royalties before you

get any more money. Yeah, you have to pay that back. It's essentially not money in your pocket. It's a loan. No, I understand. They're loaning you your own money to you. They're essentially playing the role of a bank in this case, so publishers a lot of times, they're just banks that loan you money to live off of until you finish making the book for them. Then you make 8 to 10% off of list. Most books, on average, sell 5 to 10,000 copies. If your book sells 10,000 copies, that's a successful book, and you're going to get a second book deal. However, think about the advanced structure. You have to pay, you're paid 7,500. You have to pay that back. And if you're making a dollar per copy, that leaves you about $2,500 in your pocket because you only sell 10,000 copies.

That's $10,000. If you sell, if that's a successful book. That's how hard it is to make a living in this industry. So these authors a lot of times, they become desperate. Look, I'm not going to lie. I'm going to tell you guys, honestly, I almost came to that point where I was so desperate. I almost took a deal someone was offering me. Someone offered me $5,000 to option my book for film and TV rights.

I almost signed that check. But that would have signed away my property in perpetuity. Oh, it was in perpetuity. That's terrible. Is that even legal? I don't know. I didn't have a lawyer. Honestly, it is.

You probably could have got a lawyer to email you, although I don't know if you would have trusted his advice. No, he's one of these guys. I'm just kidding. I mean, honestly, like, it is legal. Contract law states that kind of like, well, if the contract is simple enough so that the person signing it could understand it

and they sign it, whatever's on the fucking piece of paper goes. You know, it's, I mean, I've done tons of in-perputity contracts. just, you know, not for creative work like that. I mean, but I can totally understand being that desperate, of course. It's like if you're about to get kicked out of your house, you know, it's like, you've got to make your rent. If, like, you're going further and further than debt, sometimes you've got to take those deals.

And it's just, and the thing is, the upside for these giant companies for like a Disney for Warner Bros, which knows D.C., it's like, they're making billions and billions of dollars off this. It's like, at least throw these creators a bone. Make sure. I do like when they do that. Just for PR value, if nothing else, it's like, it's like, do you really want to be seen as the company that's screwing the creator or ghostwriter? What do you get out of that?

All you're doing is you're tainting your property. Like, set up a little thing for Christ's sakes. Make sure these guys don't die. They're not putting a fucking pauper's grave. Set up by a building. Set up like a project for comic book creator. It would cost them literally nothing to do that. I mean, seriously.

They already have that. And it's called Artist's Alley. It's at Comic-Con and it is the most depressing thing I've ever seen. It's like all the creators. So you go to Comic-Con, this multi-billion-dollar industries

propped up on the backs of these creators and they are relegated to the small corner of Comic-Con where they're sitting at tiny little tables that look like cubicles, a whole bunch of cubicles. And I'll walk by and I'll see the guy who created, what was it, a whole bunch of image comics. I'm forgetting his name, but he was...

Rob Lefield? Yeah, I think I saw Rob there one time. But he, like, you have all these incredible artists who created these properties that this industry's back is built on. And they're relegated to this tiny little table where they're squished in there almost as, like, as an annoying afterthought at the conventions that they created. Yeah, you know, Len Ween, the guy that, like, you know, created Wolverine. Like, you know, it's not uncommon to see him at this little table, just, you know, drawing shit like, you know, $50, $100 a commission. You know, they're making $800 or $1,000 a day, but it's like, well, what happens when they get arthritis?

They can't draw anymore. I mean, that's the unfortunate thing about, like, what we do as creative. It's like, as writers, it's like when our mind goes. Well, that's fucking it. We can't make money anymore. Like, you know, as an artist, you know, once you get arthritis or you go blind, that's fucking it. And, you know, it sucks.

Like, there's no security net. There is a charity, which, which, you know, because it's like, if you're listening to this and it's like, well, I'm not just looking to, like, cause outrecy. There's a charity called the Hero Initiative in the late 2000, like a consortium of like comics professionals came together with the idea to create like a financial safety net for comic creators. You know, kind of like exists in a lot of other charities.

Like it was based on, you know, there's this like baseball charity where it's like, look, you know, you're making, you might be making $1.8 million a year as a baseball player in your 30s. Well, what happens in your 50s, you know, you like. Then you're, then everyone becomes an announcer and you keep getting paid millions of of dollars. Isn't that what happens? Of course it is the end. It always is great for athletes. There's a one-to-one ratio

of retired athletes to announcers. And high school baseball players. You're all going to be in the majors and then you're going to be announcers. It's just what happens. Because you're all hilarious. Oh, you're just so charming. Exactly. So, you know... The website is called the Heroes Initiative. We'll link to it on our site. Yeah, it's called the Hero Initiative.

So the Here Initiative, you know, there was this baseball charity that would collect money and help out of work, you know, ballplayers not fucking die in the streets. And so the Hero Initiative does a similar thing. You know, they've granted over 700 grand, over 50 Combook veterans, you know, who've created the characters

we all love, all the movies you go see. They've created these guys. Just a couple of concrete examples of the stuff they've done. Steve Gerber, who's like, it's like, you know, Howard the Duck is like a joke because of that shitty movie. But in comics, Howard the Duck is like,

one of the best and coolest characters. ever. I like that movie. Oh, well, you know what? I like Howard the Duck, too. Wait, Paige, you want to say something? I fucking love Howard. Get on the mic, Paige.

Get on the microphone, page. I fucking love Howard the Duck. I can't believe someone else does. Yeah, it's so exciting. It's so good. What was your favorite part? Probably the part where, uh... The sex scene?

The sex thing. With the Duck Condom? His, like, his, like, his feathers all like, and go straight up. Wasn't there a play duck magazine that had like a... Duck Tits, yeah. Yeah, that's when I became a furry.

Anyway. Yeah, so Steve Gerber, like, you know, he developed pulmonary fibrosis, a condition that made his efforts to work difficult, sometimes it possible. But until he died in 2008, the Hero Initiative gave him medical and living expenses, you know, essentially helped pay his rent, help paid his medical bills, help make sure there's fucking groceries in the fridge. And, you know, Joe Phillips, you know, who's this fan, he was a 20-year comic artist, you know, until he fucking had to have his leg amputated.

He was like flat on his back. It went bad? You had to lop it off. Yeah, well, when you're recovering from missing a leg, you're like, you have to be in bed all the time. Well, guess when it's hard to draw. When you're like in bed all, when you have to be flat on your back for the entire time. So the Hero Initiative helped pay his rent, you know, keep things going for him. And another thing that Hero Initiative does is they try, you know, God, they'll find, like, homeless comic book creators.

Okay, let me say something. Yeah. You know who's got to be targeted for this thing, this hero initiative? You got to hit like a Chris Pratt who makes a shitload of money being these characters and who is the only one in this equation who has a reason to be looked at as a good guy. Yeah. Right? Like a movie star who has this compulsive need to be loved?

Yes. He's got to hear about that stuff because he can make. He can make the studio cut a million dollar check overnight. Just like that. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah. That's absolutely right.

They should be targeting these people aggressively, though, these movie stars that are capitalizing on these characters. I think you're absolutely right. I mean, Robert Downey Jr. is the kind of guy who wants to be seen as like a cool philanthropic guy. Yeah, not a fat old guy. Right. A fat old ex-drug addict, sex addict.

Right. So like, you know, getting him to, it's like, hey, I'm Iron Man. I want to cut the guy that made Iron Man. here's a million dollar check for the future creators of Iron Man and McDurick's diaryman. Whatever. I was going to say the same thing, but for the company, because if you as a company have to cut or offer to cut a million dollar check for these creators,

just take care of them for the rest of their lives, or just take care of them, period. Yeah. It doesn't have to be a lost proposition because what you can do is build it up as a big PR event and say, hey, we're taking care of this guy. We can sell merchandise at this PR event, make it a big convention or something, say this is just for the creators, and then everybody wins.

The company makes more money, and then they still give a percentage of that to the creators to take care of them. It's a win-win proposition. I don't know why no one's doing this. In fact, boisterous, you have inspired me. I think I may actually make a fundraiser-type thing that benefits the Hero Initiative and hopefully to get the attention of some celebrities. Because Robert Downey, Jr., Dick, like you mentioned, that's a really good point.

You could get Robert Downey Jr. to... You have to find one guy. That's how you negotiate. You need to find one guy who can change it. You can't convince the company to do it because there's six dozen people in on it. And even if they did it, they can't market it. It'll look shameless and opportunistic. So it's not a win for them.

But one guy, Chris Pratt needs it. He needs to be responsible. He needs to be looked at like a hero, like a real-life hero, and he wants it. That would be worth to him more than anything. Well, it's like at this point the Instagram likes are more. important to him than the money. Yes. I mean, like, and you know, imagine he's Instagramming from one of these things, he's racking up all these hearts,

he's feeling like a fucking hero. That's such a good point. Yeah, and then if you get one, you'll get the next one and the next one and the next one. Right. I'll help you organize that. Good problem. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. So guys, the sociopathie cuts both ways. It can work for you. It can work for good. It can work for evil. It's goal-oriented. I agree. Interesting proposition, Dick.

There's a very stealthy little torpedo you laid there. I see what you're doing. If you're good at manipulation, you can use that power for good. I totally agree with you. I got to say this, though. These are people who make money not doing work. Right? By coming up with ideas.

The creator of Superman sitting there thinking, oh, God, what I want to do? I want to be able to fly around. Yeah, it's just a cape. There you go. That's his contribution. to the world. He didn't build a bridge. He's not making food. He's making a magical fantasy man with a cave who can't be shot. I don't think I'm going to take the bait on this one, Dick. I'm just going to let that one lie.

I'm not going to take the bait here, buddy. But I am going to say, like, every time I see some fucking celebrity posts about how you have to follow your dreams and, like, how they were living in a van, and now they're on top of the world. Chris Pratt was living in a van. And then they say, just stick to it, and you'll do it. I'm like, uh, you know, bud, why don't you pump the brakes on that dream shit because for every one of you there's a homeless park full of the guy who invented Superman so why don't you take that feel good

dream shit and cram it up your ass that's toned because you have a fucking personal trainer like you're so divested from reality fuck off with your life advice this is it's sad that

these guys didn't get money by being creators okay let's be realistic though we would all all like to sit around and get, like, somebody, I was even, I was telling this girl about the podcast, she's like, let me get this straight. You get money for just sitting around, talking about your opinions? I'm like, yeah.

That sounds incredibly diminutive of what we do. But it is, and it should be. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not. I'll take debate on this from Maddox. Like, uh... That's not bait. Yes, it is, you fucking troll. You fucking chummer. Yeah. Look, I'll take debate on this.

There's a million podcasts with two guys sitting around complaining about shit. It takes the right two guys who have worked all their lives to be comedians and comedy writers to make this interesting. Like, this is the result of two people who've earned their chops, like, creating this really great piece of art that has personally helped me. I've, I suffered depression real bad. And it's like, listening to your guys' show has got me through some of the hardest times of my life. And it's like, it can't just be two assholes. There's, like, fucking magic here.

and you guys have earned this. Well, and the public says that it's valuable. Yeah, when they vote with their dollars. Someone just bought Harry's razors, tweeted me, and it's like, you know, yeah, the public says it's valuable, exactly. Talking about Casper today, buddy. I bought a Casper mattress because of you two assholes.

I turned it into a cum marshmallow, remember? Oh, my gosh, that's what we want to hear. Dick, speaking of cum. Yeah, today is... It's real heavy. Today's show is brought to you by Casper. give $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting casper.com

slash biggest and using promo code biggest Asteroos, I think your point was that you enjoy your mattress? Yes. I would like to paraphrase you, but you bought a mattress from the show. Yeah. How is the experience for you? It's really fucking comfortable. It's good to bang in, right?

Yeah, no, of course it's good to bang in. Like, I've bought a lot of mattresses in my lifetime. I could never know what a good mattress is. I go to the place. I lie down to there for five minutes. it's, I don't know, it feels fine. I take it home. Two weeks later, my back fucking hurts, and it's like, ah, I'm fucked. And you know what, you can't return a mattress?

It's not hygienic, blah, blah, blah. You know, I've bought the cheapest mattresses. I bought the most expensive mattress. One time I bought this $5,000 organic cotton mattress with organic cotton wrapped springs. I got it real cheap. But, like, it was listed at five grand,

and it's like, yeah, my back still fucking hurts. I got this Casper mattress because I trusted you guys. Good, good, good, good. And it feels really, really good. And it was not that expensive. Well, if you don't like it, they have a risk-free trial and return policy. 90 days.

100 days, in fact. Try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns. I have a... I'm sorry. I keep putting you guys off. I had a friend who bought a Casper mattress, and unfortunately, he had to move. And so he had to return the Casper mattress. It wasn't the mattresses' fault.

So we called him up. They sent over a cell phone. Salvation Army truck the next day. Here's what Casper said. Really? I will tell you how this return worked. I've been wondering this since we've started plugging them. I know.

And I will absolutely tell you. Here's what Casper said. They called up mattress. They're like, we're going to send a Salvation Army truck to you. All we want you to do is take the piece of paper they give you, take a photograph of it with your phone. And shove it up your ass.

And shove it up your fucking ass. Now who's fucking dude? Now he's fucking up the call to action. One more time. No, that was funny. Okay. All right. So we took a photograph of the receipt, emailed it to them.

Five days later, the money was back on his credit card. Wow! I swear to God, it was that simple. I don't know if it's always that simple because it might depend on where you live, but it was that simple for that guy. I love it. I love my Casper mattress. Thank you, guys.

And it's casper.com slash biggest. Yeah, promo code biggest. For $50 off your first purchase, right? Fantastic deal. What are we doing? Is it my turn now? Yeah, Dick, what do you got? Because last week we didn't get to your big problem, so I want you to go first.

Oh yeah, well, you know, it's another one of these, that's okay, because it's just one of these problems that I, that happens to me and I bring in on the way in, you know, everybody loves those, everybody's always making fun of me for bringing those problems in. This problem is domestic violence. Did you have to say it like that? Do you want another take, dick? Why? What do you want? What do you want? Domestic violence.

Domestic violence. It's a big problem. Yes, it is. Every, every nine seconds in the U.S., a woman is. assaulted or beaten. Wait, wait, wait, every nine seconds? That's what this stat says. I don't believe that.

You don't believe that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted or beaten? Every nine seconds? Every nine seconds, there's a woman assaulted or beaten. Okay, hold on. Let me clear this every nine hours. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me clear this up for you. This is the magnet. This is the severity of the problem. This is the magnitude. One in three women and one in four men have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetimes. One in three.

That's 33%. You don't think one in nine seconds is accurate considering that they're living with these people? Hmm. Where is this statistic coming from? Dude, you don't have to argue this. I'm talking about women and men getting their asses kicked by their significant other.

No, I've had it. I mean, I've experienced it personally. I know what this feels like. I know I've been on the receiving end. I've never abused a woman ever in my life. But I have been on the... You've said, you've slept with women, so...

Okay. That's... That's, again, it's charity. It's more charity. It's my form of philanthropy. Okay? My penis is my... As my gift to the world.

It's my form of philanthropy. And women pay me for it. Okay. They begged me for it. So what were you going to say? No. Something about how these stats from you on. Are you kidding me?

Why would you want to lessen this? I don't... Because here's the thing. I think this is... I'm totally serious here. By inflating... statistics about stuff like this, it can hurt

men and women. Eventually, it can hurt and bite you in the back. Like, for example, there's that statistic that floats around on the internet. I don't want to get too deep into this, but it says one in four women have received some kind of sexual abuse, right? And I looked into that and it includes being

exposed to in public or being groped in a bus or being grabbed. Guys, when you say, please, let me finish. When it says one in four, sexual abuse or sexual assault, I'm thinking rape. And then people conflate that into rape. And then they say one in four women have been raped.

And then when you start to conflate being groped in public with rape, then people start to be suspicious of what you mean by rape. And I don't want anyone to ever be suspicious when a woman or a man says they've been raped. You should trust them and you should believe them. And you shouldn't have to say, well, do you mean you were groped on a bus? Because when we keep harping on this, then people start to doubt you. That's why I'm very serious about this.

I want to know exactly what that number is, where it comes from, and how they got their methodology. Because I think it's essentially going to start hurting people because I don't want anyone to be blaming the victims, and I don't want anyone to be suspicious of victims. If you're a victim of domestic abuse or rape, then say so, and we should start looking at rape as rape, not being groped on a bus. Because guess what, I'm a survivor too. Someone groped me on a bus one time. I've been groped by men and women. I'm not a fucking rape victim. So the question for Dick is, what falls under the umbrella of domestic violence in this particular study or, you know, combination of studies?

Obviously, I don't have that figure. I've had no idea that would be a point of contention. I'm curious. I'm just curious. Yeah, you can go look at it. Okay, on a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide. That's a shit. That's someone picking up the phone and saying, I'm a victim of domestic violence.

And that's easily, that's easily every nine seconds. Here we go. 20,000. Okay, let's do a little bit of math. How many women are there in the United States? How many adult women? 150 million. Oh, adult women?

Adult women. 60 million? Well, it doesn't have to be adult. I guess let's just say 16 and up. 60 million. Why not? 60 million. Okay, let's say, no, is it about 60 million?

About half of that, right? 60 million? Well, there's 300 million. Let's say there's 350 million people. Half of them are chicks. 150 million. $150 million. Knock off kids.

Just like, look at the age. Ranges, knockoff, a third of them, just to be generous. Okay. So, 70 million, 70 million, there are, so that once every 10 seconds, so divide that by 10, what's that? 70, no, 7 million, right? Yeah. So 7 million times per day, we should be getting, oh, actually, no, that's not true,

that's not sure. And once every nine, I'm getting all caught up, you're right, you're right, you're right. Once every nine seconds, that's six a minute. I'd be curious to know what that actually entails, Because I don't want this to be another one of those horseshit stats. And I'm not blaming you. It's not your fault. But the people who report-

Well, I'm not beating a woman right now, so I know it's not my fault currently. Thank you, Dick. Yeah. You're not contributing. Thank you for not contributing to the stat during a live recording. Man, I also think getting groped as a woman on a subway or a bus is a lot different than a man getting groped.

Why? Because they're tiny. So? So they don't have- What about a tiny man? There's tiny men? It's inappropriate groping. Look, guys, I've seen big men.

I've seen basketball players get groped by women. Like women, I was in a bar one time, and this basketball player came in, and he was pretty famous, and a chick came up to him and just reached down his pants and grabbed his dick, and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? He, like, threw her back.

He's like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm married, like, and his wife was in the bar, like, getting drinks or something like that. Like, that shit could jump, just because there's that stereotype that men always want sexual attention, doesn't mean it's necessarily true, and sexual assault can happen no matter what.

And we shouldn't conflate that with rape. Yeah. No, one's conflating it with rape. No, they are. That one in four statistic is saying is including gropes. It's including grabs. It's including someone rubbing up against you in a subway. That's assault.

Yeah. But the stat says assault. It's not saying rape. But people have conflated that. People are no longer saying, they're not being pedantic about it. They're not looking at the syntax. When they say one in four,

they just say one in four women have been raped. If you Google that right now, it's the first thing that comes up. You're saying it's like misleading by omission, basically, by not clarifying the criteria. Yeah. Well, if I can just say one thing, you also, you have to find,

to find this instance of gender equality in this case, you had to pick a famous basketball player just compared to something that I think most women, regular women, just experience. No one's, that's a straw man argument. I'm not saying most women don't experience that. I'm saying that regardless, but it's still a famous basketball player.

Dick, it's happened to me. I mean, your world famous best-selling author Who wouldn't want to have that? Of course. I don't... I got it! People try to gum my D all the time. Gum my D.

Yeah. A lot of old ladies going after that young D. A lot of toothless gypsies where I live. Not flossing enough. If I'm... I just feel like I want to say just one thing. Like, I'm probably not going to contribute a lot to this conversation. It's just...

Because you don't beat women? Well, no, no. Well, it's just because honestly, because you guys have really strong opinions about this and I want to hear what you both have to say. But look, I'll say this, conflating one in four victims of sexual assault and one and four victims of rape,

it's like, well, you're right. Those are two different statistics and they shouldn't be conflated. I will say this, though, anecdotally speaking, a lot of my women friends have told me that they have been raped and some of them have told me about multiple ones. And it's like, I feel like you both know women

that have been raped. And I don't mean like groped, I mean raped. So it's like, look, you know, granted, we shouldn't have bullshit statistics, but it's like just from our own lives, we know it's a problem. Whether it's one in four or one in ten is an argument for another day, or for today, I suppose. But it's just like, you know, I think we can all agree that it's a problem. Of course it's a problem. But if we say, if we just start saying one and two, one and three, you know, 100%.

Let's just say 100%. I don't know why you have. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry, I thought you're done. then it becomes something that people start to doubt. And I'm saying the first time this idea came to me, this idea occurred to me, is when I was talking to a rape victim.

Because she said this. She said she's tired of talking about this and mentioning her rape. And then people say, well, was it rape? And she goes, what do you mean? Was it rape? I was raped. And she goes, and they say, well, because the statistics say,

you know, one in four have been sexually assaulted. Are you talking about sexual assault? and I hate that we have to have that conversation now and it's due to this bullshit statistic. One in four is fucking outrageously false. And you should be accurate so that people don't question when people claim to have been raped.

That's what I'm saying. And that's why this statistic, Dick, I don't know if it's true because I know women who've been beat and men who've been abused. And if it was happening with this frequency, and I hope it's not true. It definitely is.

Well, I sincerely hope it's not. true. Because that's an ugly, ugly world that we live in. We definitely do live in that world. This is a complete wake-up call for you then. 20,000 phone calls a day. This says explicitly physical violence by an intimate partner. I don't think there's a lot of mincing words of physical violence. Yeah, that's quite a few. This is definitely the world we live in. And let's, Let's, just as a thought experiment, let's consider our first world problems with shitty parts of the world. What is the stat then? I wouldn't be surprised if it was like 90%.

They have no hotlines for this kind of behavior. This is people trying their best. I mean, you take these people, you take people and put them in a civilization. It doesn't make them civilized. These are the same people when there's no society supporting them and telling them like, and telling them not to do this, they behave like animals. That's what this says to me. I definitely think we live in this world.

Well, I think you're right about especially outside of America and outside of Western nations that have safeguards against this sort of thing. At least, you know, safeguards in as much as we can have. Like an abuse line or something like that. or punitive laws that punish these type of things, I wish it weren't true, and I hope it's not. I hope it's not as high as it sounds. What would you like it? What would be an okay number?

Zero. Zero would be an okay number. What would not be a number that doesn't shock you? A number that doesn't shock me. Keep in mind that I'm not trying to trap you into saying. I understand, I understand. I'm just asking you reacted to one in three as though that was horrifically high, which it is, but what is the number you think is accurate?

No, over the course of a lifetime, I think that that's accurate. Over the course of a lifetime, I think most men and women, probably, not most, I'm sorry, 25% for men and 33% for women. Seems about, yeah. Yeah, seems about right. That does seem about right. But per day once every nine second a woman is abused. Well, you've got to get through a lot of men and women.

Are you talking about men and women in the statistic? This nine seconds is just women. Just women. I don't know, man. One in three, buddy. Look, my sincere hope is that it's not true. And if it is true, it's a very ugly world that we live in, and we need to solve this problem. But I also, it just seems so hard for me to believe, and I'll tell you where I'm coming from,

only because it is, it seems like something you would see more often. Like when you see a woman who's been, or a man who's been abused with bruises or scars or something like that, it seems like something you might see more often. And just empirically, maybe I just live a charmed life and I have a lot of friends who thankfully aren't getting abused. I don't see it as much

and maybe it's just because I'm not looking for it. I don't know. Yeah, what if it happens and you just can't see it? Because that brings me to why I brought it in. Let's hear it. I'm going to tell this story as entertainingly as I can, but it's horrifying. I'm sitting in my apartment

a couple nights ago, let's say, about 1.30 in the morning, I get a hammering on the door, right? Different than, different than a normal, timid, hey, it's 1.30 a.m. I wonder if you're up. Knock, right? Like a little, like a wham, wam, wham, a pipe has burst. There's a fire. Get out of the building.

That kind of knock. It's at 1 a.m.? 1.30 in the morning. Yeah. So I'm sitting there drinking. Of course. And I hear it's girl's voice. Girl, I recognize it immediately. It's a girl I used to date.

Okay. And she says, I need help. I need help. Uh, are you there? Et cetera, et cetera. I'd get up in my drunken stupor. Open the door. And this girl, I don't want to say covered in blood,

because that's an exaggeration. But blood smeared on her face, blood on her clothes, blood all over her hand. Like she just performed a falcon punch abortion, right? Single-handedly. Give me that fetus. Kachshah! Right?

Great analogy. Yeah, like Indiana Jones, too. Rip that thing right out of the wall. So you open the door and you're like, oh my God, did you just perform a falcon punch abortion? What happened to you? Yeah, that's what I said. I was like, hey, I'd like to see the other guy, right?

So she goes, yeah, a guy's name. I think he broke my hand, fucked up my stuff, destroyed my phone, threw my phone, like all these things. And I'm like, oh, man, okay, if I play my cards right, I'm pretty sure I could get some action out of this. Oh, dick.

No. No. What? Yeah. What, that was a strike? No. That was that strike. You're out.

That's immediately, I meet it out. What did I do? That wasn't on the list? Out of the game. Out of life. Get out. Is that not a normal thing to think? To the clubhouse with you.

I'm a man. You fucking sociopathed man. We're cutting all this out. Get to the fucking go. Why are you cutting this out? You want to keep that in. Go ahead. We'll keep it in.

It's like the bugs bunny pitch where the guy swings three times. It strikes out on one. Yeah, Casey at the bad. That's a good one. So I'm like, oh my God, okay. Come in, come in, come in, come, come, get out of here. Close the door, lock it behind her. And I'm like, all right, let her sit down

and get her a glass of water. And she's kind of, you know, crying it out. I'm like, all right. So after a little bit of time, I check her hand. She's, I've broken a lot of stuff. And, you know, they do the same test every time. They, like, just flex the bone and see if it's crippling pain.

I'm like, okay. Your hand's not broken. What do you say? What do you say we call the cops? Maybe let's get some cops out here. Yeah. Right? And I know as I say it,

because you think we live in a different world, I think, than I do. And I am very cynical about the world we live in. Right. The world that I think we live in, nobody's ever calling the cops. Something like this, women do not call the cops.

Guys do not call the cops. If you call it, because it's like, we assume they're not going to do anything. It's not that we don't want the help. It's that we assume it's going to be this terrible bureaucracy. No one's going to believe me. You're both going to get arrested? Because let's be honest.

If you're in this situation, you probably threw a punch too. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. I mean, I've broken my hand punching a guy. When somebody's got cuts on their hand, my first thought is, who did you hit? Right?

And this is a, I'm comfortable admitting these things to myself and saying them out loud. People are going to say, oh, you can't, you can't You can't assume the vision, but let's think it through here, right? Right. This is from her perspective, that would be a valid reason to not want to call the police. Because you might now have a felony and be going to jail. That actually happens. Just for defending yourself.

Right. Of course. That actually happened to someone I dated once who got in a fight with her boyfriend and he started abusing her. And as she was trying to get away from him, like ripped his shirt and scratched his chest. but of course there were no bruises on her body because she got like punched in the stomach or something like that and she ran and called 911 at a payphone and the cops showed up and arrested her

because when they inspected his body he had scratches on his chest and they said well we see the evidence that he got beat it's your word versus his and we see the damage here and she got arrested and she's like I called 911 idiots classic Tyler Durden move beat yourself up

right domestic violence one Everyone knows that move. So, so she's, she's almost ready to call the cops. And I'm like, oh my fucking God, this is once in a lifetime.

They actually call the cops because I'm very cynical about these sorts of things. And right before I hit dial, and let me say this, you do not, I do not call the cops unless it is an explicit instruction to do so. Because if you do,

and they change their mind, you are the fucking bad guy. Yes, that's true. Welcome to hell. Because you now are a rat who tried to turn in what is otherwise a loving, Right. You're fucked. And they both hate you. And they both hate you. Yeah. So now you've got two psychos after you, right? Yeah. Just about to hit dial, she calls it off. Yeah. I'm like, well, okay, I understand that, right? And by the way, here's another stat for you. Um, when leaving an abusive relationship, you are three times more likely to get killed. Wow. Yeah. So, pretty good reason not to leave. Because, you know, a punch in the, punch in the jaw is, you know, you know, a thing. A punch in the, punch in the jaw.

orders of magnitude less than getting murdered. And that's why they don't call the cops in a lot of cases too. Right. Because of the repercussions. Yeah. And a lot of times too,

if you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you're codependent and you are relying on a joint income or you have kids and you have to pay the bills, there's no place for you to go, there's no place for you to sleep. Like, it's not as easy as just walking out the door in an abusive relationship.

Yeah, of course not. Because you're sometimes stuck and you're beholden to that monster that you're living with, it's just a bad situation. It's worth it. If I had to give up my apartment, like if my landlord came to me tomorrow and said, hey, you can keep living here,

but every month I'm going to come by and punch you in the face, I would be like, man, I do not want to get punched in the face, but moving is a real big pain in the ass. Like, I would have that internal decision process. That's sad. For me? No, this whole situation. Oh, yeah.

So finding a new apartment is hard. Yeah, finding a new apartment. Especially in L.A. Or especially if you had kids. Where are you going to, you can't, you can't on a drop of a hat, unless it was like a really severe situation, a lot of people don't have that person they can turn around to, especially if you live in another state where your family's not around and you don't know anyone. Or if you have hardwood floors, you know, are you going to move to some place that's got

carpeting? Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Or it doesn't have air or the, no parking? No pool? Oh, no parking. Are you kidding me in LA? That's like a second rent.

Two punches in the face. Hello. So, you know, we sit around for a while. I'm like, you want to watch some. Netflix and chill. Oh, Dick. What's your dad all about? You know what?

Stop. Stop. No, no, no. You can cut this out of the podcast if you want. Why? Dick, you're doing a good job of finding these joke moments between these horrifying moments. Oh, you have to. I'm just saying, as a storyteller, you are doing a good job.

Thank you. You two fucking Matt Grainings over here. This guy's trying to lighten shit up. Yeah, I'm trying to lighten it up because the story I'm telling happens every night. seconds. Yeah. Like it's important to keep in mind that this is just happening continuously all day like a fucking factory. And I did the math, well,

okay, so 60 seconds, so that's 60 divided by 9, so that's six women a minute. And so 60 times 6, 360 women an hour, 360 times 24, 8,640 women a day. Okay. What's times 365? And now let's time

365. And check my math, if I'm wrong. You know, $3 million. $3 million? Okay, $3 million a year. Okay, back up a session. So $8,640 per day. This is why the statistics, for me, something's not adding up here. Because you're not real up. Hold on, hold on, Dick. If we're getting 20,000 phone calls a day from women to abuse lines and only, according to this, just this quick math we're doing, 8,640 per day, where are the $20,000 coming from? So you don't think that number is high enough?

Either that number is not high enough or the 20,000 number is too high. Which one is it? Well, I have no idea. I mean, I don't run. I mean, that's why something's not adding up here. Let's remember that it happens to the same woman multiple times on this nine second figure.

So you think one, you think a few women could be making multiple couples, maybe? I mean, these numbers are within an order of magnitude, so I'm not splitting hairs. Like, if they were saying, like, a woman gets, abused twice a year, I'd be like, I'd kind of doubt that figure. But nine seconds, I'm like, I buy that once every nine seconds. If I might also say, I agree that we shouldn't have blind faith in statistics,

but I feel that there are some men out there who are so focused on destroying these statistics because they don't want to believe it or because they feel some sort of guilt themselves. I feel like there's a second industry in, in like calling these statistics bullshit, and calling women victims, calling bullshit on their stories and things like that. And I don't know why that is. Like, we shouldn't have blind faith in them, but I feel like we can get too focused on like trying to destroy them too. And I feel like neither are good. I agree. It's not, it's not good to have blind faith. I want to get to the point where the statistics reflect the reality. Yeah. And that way,

Because, again, it's serious. This moment of enlightenment came to me from a rape victim. Yeah. She said she was tired of people asking her because the statistics have been conflated with actual penetrable. Rape is oral, vaginal, anal insertion of any digits or appendages or sexual organs. That's rape. When we start to conflate these or, you know, if this abuse figure turned out to be, I don't know.

Let's say, when I think of abuse, I think of domestic, like, violence. Like, are we talking about violence, dick here? Assaulted or beaten. Assaulted or beaten. One and three, physical violence. It's also one of the most underreported crimes. Of course it is.

Well, especially with men. Also, that 20,000 doesn't include men. Yeah, I was going to say. And men suffer from it almost as much as women. Obviously not as much as women, but almost as much. According to your statistics, it's one in three for women, one and four for men. Yeah.

The reason I, the reason I'm bringing up the fact that maybe we could be like over discussing the validity of these statistics is I feel like the wake of the discussion, which is like, you know, you're a very intelligent guy and you're, and you're, you know, one of the best guys I know. Like, you can look at this stuff rationally. The comments for this episode, there's going to be a sick. significant portion of them that are going to be these guys and they are going to be talking about these statistics and calling bullshit on them and they're going to be like really trying to destroy these statistics like you know and I feel like and then people are going to read those and be like well domestic violence isn't a problem because these statistics are wrong therefore the whole thing's a lie it's made up by women who are trying to get men blah blah blah it's just like you know it's when an

intelligent man's words get twisted or they echo in the mind of someone who's not intelligent, it could be trouble. Right. That's why Asterois, I think it's especially important to get that doubt out of people's minds. Let's be especially careful to report this correctly. I'll tell you, I'll give you a perfect example of when I heard a statistic

like this, and I brought this in, was female genital mutilation. I heard on NPR that they said that 90% of the women in Egypt experienced female genital mutilation, and that to me immediately smacked as an outrageous number because Egypt is a largely western

civilized society where you wouldn't think this type of thing occurs. And it didn't just become, it wasn't just something that struck accord with me. It also struck accord with the NPR journalist. She said, that number did sound so outrageous. So we double-checked, and she looked it up. And I looked it up, and it was absolutely true. That's one of those cases where it's like, oh, my gosh, it's a really big problem in Egypt. And it totally checks out.

I'm just saying, but your point is not lost on me. Whether or not it's one every nine second or one every 20 second, it is a huge problem that needs to be solved. Yeah, I think an easy way to prove these stats is just say, like, well, have you met a woman? You know what I mean? Yeah. Impossible to get along with.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God! That's awesome. That was one of the most well-crafted jokes I have ever heard. Good one, Dick. So it's obviously one and three. We all ended that sentence with who has been abused. Yeah. Yeah.

And then he says, no, no, no, suckers. Always, always, always. Should be three out of three is what I'm saying. You guys get it. Of course. So, oh, God, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. So, this girl in my apartment says, well, I'm worried that he's going to, that this guy's

going to fuck up her stuff, smash up her computer and all his stuff. And I'm like, oh, my God. How about get a police escort at least? No, I can't do that. She leaves. She's like, I'll be right back. I just got to take care of this. So I'm like, okay, maybe, probably not coming back.

We all know how this one shakes out. Probably not coming back. So I grab my shotgun, sit on the couch. Shit. With my way. I don't load it. In case she comes back, right? Well, in case he follows her upstairs. Because I'm going to at least have a shotgun.

I'm not going to shoot it so I don't load it. Sure. Right? But at least there's something there. Right? It's California. It's L.A. A guy sees a real-life gun.

He's going to pick. his pants and probably have a seizure. Bunch of pussies out here. Yeah, bunch of pussies. His dick might fall off and run away. Yeah, we can only hope. She doesn't come back. I found out later.

Next day, next day. She got back together. Dude, that's what I thought. Fucking, she went to the police and went to the hospital. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Good.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. You did that. Well, good for you. I dated a girl for a hot minute who one night called me up and said, you know, asked me if I wanted to get into a longer-term relationship, whatever. I said, no, not really. She said, well, would you like to still be friends? I said, of course.

So she said, well, as my new friend, I need to tell you that my boyfriend abused me. And I said, oh my God, are you like how abuse? Are you okay? What happened? She goes, it's pretty bad. I said, okay, well, do you need someplace to stay? And she says, yes. And she came over. And I opened the door, and I felt so fucking angry. The second I saw her, because she was covered in bruises. She was covered in her neck was red, her legs had bruises, her arms had bruises.

She was bruised everywhere. I wanted to beat the shit out of this guy. I was so fucking pissed. And she came in, and while she's coming over, I texted her the number for a crisis line, and she didn't want to call it. And I said,

we should go to the police, and she didn't want to do it because there was a lot at stake. They had a cohabitation arrangement, and work was conflated because she was also working for him. This guy was a huge controlling manipulator. So if she

had gone to the police, she loses where she's going to sleep, she loses her job, she loses her income, she loses her car, she would essentially lose everything. So I tried my best to try to find some solution, but this was a really difficult situation where

I don't think there was a very good, clear solution. I had a taser on me in my apartment. Oh, reliable. All reliable. You've had that taser in prior stories. You whip out. Yeah. No, I gave her that taser. I said, look, this is yours. Keep it

hidden on you. If this ever happens again, at least you have a weapon. At least you have some way of disabling this monster. But yeah, man, it is a big problem. So did she leave him? Dick, she eventually left him. Thank God. Not the next day, though? No, not the next day she couldn't.

So I had a little better results in my demand. I did it all better. Oh, yeah, I win. I win. I win. Randy marked that as a win. But this wasn't just a relationship. It was also them living together and she was working for him. Mine too. Mine was like that too. Oh, was it really?

I don't know. Fuck you. My opinion story is better. I have a similar story, I guess, to end things on a lighter note for the taser. So, you know, I was dating a girl and she insisted on walking through Venice Beach at night to take the boss. Terrible idea. Which is, Venice Beach is for those who don't know in Los Angeles. it's where like all the most violent hippies hang out.

Like the tweakers. Yeah, it's just the fucking, like the, the worst people in the world live on Venice Beach. And so I'm like, well, let me, so I'm like, I'll pay for your taxi. Just take a taxi. And she's like, no, no, no, I'm cool, whatever. So I'm like, well, let me at least buy you a taser. So I went down to fries electronics and I bought a taser that is shaped like a pen. and so it looks like a pen

you can have it in your pocket and then if someone tries with salt you, you jam it in their neck. Cool. And she put it in her purse and she eventually, she was like, I've got to give you this taser back. And I was like, why? And she's like, I keep tasing myself

when I reach it to my purse for my phone. And I was like, oh God, oh no, Jesus Christ. Also, return it because that tasers are not working. If you're tasing yourself and you're not incapacitated or maybe she doesn't. Maybe she like finds herself in a puddle. Maybe she just like writhes in pain and finds herself in a puddle of her own urine every day.

I don't know. Anyway, yeah, Dick, big, big problem. Thanks for bringing that one in. I thought that was really fascinating. Yeah, hey, gay guys too are at risk of being outed for being gay. Yeah, Jesus. How about throw that one on there? Okay, so I just want to end on to this one last note. I guess at the start of this problem, Dick, you mentioned this astounding statistic which is which to me sounds way too high and I say

way too high not because I necessarily doubt that it's true but because I can't abide by living in a world like this a long time ago when 9-11

when all the 9-11 truthers started going out and they're just incorrigible no amount of statistics or facts will convince them otherwise. I remember arguing with this kid online, and we went back and forth for a while, and he was absolutely convinced that our government was responsible

for bringing down the Twin Towers. And I said to him, how fucking dare you? If you really believe this, if you genuinely believe this, then how the fuck can you abide by paying taxes to the government and paying and enabling them to do this? If you actually believe our U.S. government

did this and killed their own citizens, and get the fuck out of America. Stop paying this money to this government that you are enabling to do this. If you really believe this, you don't. You're full of shit. That's what this comes down to. Is it may be true?

I just don't want it to be true. So that's where this comes from. Well, you better start believing in ghost stories because you're in one. Yeah. Well, speaking of nightmares, and nightmare scenarios, guys, I've been in hell. I've been in hell for the last week of my life.

I've been in hell. Because I got a real big problem. Crickets. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to shit all over your domestic violence problem. What was your problem, Dick? I forget already. What was it?

Women who can't listen. Women who can't... Oh my God! And men, and men, and men, and men. I don't want to be sexes. To a lesser extent. To an obviously lesser extent, though. Yeah.

Take that, Hillary Clinton. Dick, I don't want to trump your problem here. but I got a big one. I got the crickets. That wasn't, that wasn't political shit. No, it wasn't. That was political. No, fucking wasn't.

Randy? Trump was a word before the candidate shithead. That's political. All right, what about crickets? Here's a thing. Strike three. Oh my God, he's got to put that shit away. He has a taser.

Randy has a taser. What the fuck are you doing in a tasee? Were you the abused woman who came over that night? Was that you? Yes. And why is it pink? You have a pink fucking taser? taser.

It's only one I could find. Yeah, right. They have black tasers on Amazon for like 15 bucks, guys. They're super cheap. Also, that taser has an LED light on it? What?

For, like, the keyhole? So I can see you. Okay. Randy, put that shit away. Get him in the neck. So, crickets, guys, I have this huge problem with fucking crickets.

I got an infestation in my apartment, these fucking crickets. There are three of them. I killed two of them. two of them. I finally tracked two of them down. It took two days.

I killed one per day. Right? I killed the mama cricket. I know it's the mama cricket because there's a big, fat, juicy one. And I used to not kill crickets because they're so fucking juicy. They're like gushers.

You smash that thing, and you've got to bring out the mop. You're mopping for days. This is like the Jurassic Park plot. There's three raptors running around. You get three crickets running around here. Three crickets. Killing them one by one.

And they had triangulated their living arrangements in my apartment so that I was perfectly in the middle of all three of them just driving me in one of those chit, chirp, chib, chib, chib, chib, chib fucking idiots. Ruining your jokes?

Yeah. Serious. What? That would ruin a joke. That's funny. Yeah. Oh, I, okay. Yeah.

What are you talking about? You ruined his joke about Crickets ruining your joke. Slam at all. How fucking meta is that? Pretty meta, man. Call me medics

Anyway There's no cricket to blame for that one So these fucking crickets drive me nuts I tracked them down And I used to just catch them and throw them outside Because I don't want to clean up after them Seriously, if you see a cricket This was my stance before this week

When I saw cricket I would capture it, throw it outside Because it's just a messy insect to kill They're very juicy, don't kill them However, I changed my mind. Now it's punitive. These motherfuckers. So I killed the mama cricket.

Fuck her. Then I killed her child. I found her child, her baby cricket. I fucking killed that piece of shit. But the Papa cricket, okay? This motherfucker is hiding somewhere in my apartment and it is driving me nuts. I will be sitting there. My friend was sitting on the couch and she was like, what's your fucking problem?

Just chill out. I'm like, I can't find it. I can't. I'm sorry if we met. I'm running around Not a good friend, obviously I'm running around with my apartment seriously with my machete

because I want to smash the fucker with the side of the blade I want to smash it because I couldn't find out of newspaper I'm killing so many crickets Oh, I can't wait to read this headline Man stabs himself with a machete While trying to kill a cricket

Florida or Germany Oh man I gave myself third degree burns one time Because I took a real bad shit Anyway So I'm looking for this What does that have to do with any Just like the ways that I hurt myself from something small.

So I'm looking for this cricket everywhere. And I think I've pinpointed the area. After we record this, I want to take you guys to my apartment and show you the area that I think it's in. Because maybe you can help me find this fucker. I think it's in my subwoofer. The little motherfuckers hiding in my subwifers. And so I'm like losing my fucking mind. I swear to God, I went to YouTube and I looked up the predators of crickets.

I thought, what are they afraid of? and they were afraid of frogs. So I went to YouTube and I found this hour-long clip of frogs croaking and I started playing that cranked full blast in my apartment thinking maybe the crickets will get scared and leave.

No such luck. No such luck. And leave the house? It's like a cartoon. We gotta get out of here. I don't know, man. I'm desperate. And then I played like the sound of bats

and bats didn't work, frogs didn't work. Nothing works with this little fucker. Except like occasionally when I shake the subwoofer, it'll stop and then it'll start up again. And it's so fucking lot. Cherip, cherub, cherub, cherub. Be so fucking happy. So I got so mad in my delusional state.

And my friends are like, dude, we're just trying to watch a movie. Chill out. It's kind of relaxing. I'm like, this is driving me nuts. So I went to Amazon and I just, I don't know what came over me, but I ordered a cricket bar, a cricket protein bar. Because I wanted to eat this fucking cricket. Because some part of me makes me. My God.

Makes me feel like if I eat it, there will be less crickets in this world. I think the world would be a better place with fewer crickets in it. He's like a fucking cereal killer. Yeah, this is like the telltale heart. I'll gain its powers. I am saying this right now on this podcast. Let it be, let it go down. Let the record state.

If I catch this cricket, I'm going to fry it and fucking eat it. And I'll post the video on the website. Yeah, I will eat this fucking crick. I hate this cricket so much. I hate that this cricket is the biggest problem in my life. And maybe it's not a big problem to you, shitheads. I don't care if it is or isn't. You should vote it up because look how much pain is causing me.

Why don't you just put your subwoofer outside for the night and it will probably hop away? Oh, yeah. I'm sure the subrofer will hop away in a homeless guy's hands. Yeah. Hey, I want to pitch something to you guys. What if we grabbed a portable recording rig or just used our phones and periscoped it? What if we head over to Maddox's house right now and fucking find this cricket, just the five of us? Okay.

What if we get this fucking cricket right now? Done. Let's do it. Let's look for this cricket because if we catch it, I'm going to eat this. I'm going to eat this fucking cricket. I got stuff to do, guys. That sounds cool. I'll hunt the cricket.

I'll help you hunt the cricket. All right. Page is in. Paige, you'll help us find the cricket. I volunteered her. Sean's in. Sean doesn't have shit to do. Let's do it.

Let's find this cricket. I'm going to eat this fucking cricket. It's driving me nuts, guys. And by the way, crickets could be a huge solution because cricket powder is this is, have you guys heard of cricket flour? This is a new thing. No. Yeah.

This is a huge thing. It's actually, they're saying crickets are the most efficient way of consuming protein that we have. They're more, they're the most efficient source of food that we can possibly get. They're very water efficient. They give us lots of protein. They're almost pure protein. You just grind them up and make flour out of it, and you can make just about

anything you want out of flour. Cookies, bread, protein bars. So it's like a super tofu. Yeah. Gross. Just eat fucking crickets all the time. And they're fucking obnoxious. I'd be so happy to eat every last fucking one of them.

What have cows ever done to us? Nothing. Yeah, it's true. What about crickets? They annoy the hell out of us. Annoying. Maddox? Let's eat some cricket bread. Crickets are the Donald Trumps of insects. Fuck you.

I'll take the strike down your shit. Taze him! Jesus Christ, Randy. Stay away from his nipples. Don't threaten Maddox with a good time. Fuck you, Sean. My problem this week is cricket. My problem is creators getting screwed. Problems domestic violence.

See next week. See next Tuesday.