The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 91

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from soggy cereal to teen pregnancies. With over 5 million downloads is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. With us this week is Robin. Robin Higgins, welcome back to the show, Robin.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for joining us. Fan favorite, Robin, that you made a name for yourself last time because you talked about your erotic Star Trek fan fiction. Is that correct? Am I mischaracterizing? No, no, no, no, that's correct, yeah. That's exactly what you talked about. I think you made a name for yourself for more than that, though. Nope.

No, but you were a fan favorite. Everyone loved you on the show. That's awesome. Did any guys contact you? Do you have any, like, guy super fans? I know someone on this show has women contacting him to get in touch with him, right? If you know what I mean. I do think I know what you mean.

No, no. I don't, I don't, that'd be, no. No, guys have tried to, like, impress you with their science jokes. I never check social media. Robin, I know for a fact some guys have tried to reach out, because I saw some creepers on Twitter hitting you up. Really? They were like, Robin, your voice is so sexy. I can't believe you're into science.

Oh, my God, I got to check Twitter. I haven't checked it since, like, I check it once a year, yeah. Oh, you got a billion love messages in there and then, like, you know, a bunch of creepers. Would you consider dating a guy who approached you on Twitter? first? I guess. Is he six feet tall or taller? They're all six feet tall and taller on Twitter.

That's the beauty of it. Just never meet them in real life. What would it take? I'm asking seriously. It's, you know, it's the modern world. I don't care. It's like internet. The internet's a thing.

Yeah. I mean, like I do like a pathetic amount of online dating so it wouldn't like, that would just be another. Well, here's the thing. Any amount of online dating is a pathetic amount. So I have no idea how much online dating you do.

Really? No. Yes, it is. Wrong. Wrong. It's not. It's how people meet sometimes. It's great. It's still pathetic.

You're on fucking Tinder. It's still pathetic. It doesn't matter. All right, guys. A lot of things are pathetic. Dick Robin, the night that we recorded our infamous Smash Brothers competition, Robin was also doing a show that night, and you did a set that was one of my favorite things I've seen in a long time on stage.

It was a Wheel of Fortune bit that you did that was did Alex Trebek. It was speculation on whether or Pat Sejack. Oh, yeah, Pat Sejig. Sorry. It was whether or not Pat Sejack and Vanna White had hooked up. And you went into like 60 minutes level of inquiry as to the analysis as to whether or not they hooked up. And you even came down to a date range that they possibly did. May or may not have hooked up.

Yeah. So you just finished this sketch, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just recorded it. And so, yeah, it's really long. It's 10 minutes long because it just was I treated like a research project. And I was like, whatever. This is just like if you want to really, really know the answer to this question as far as what the internet has given us, then I made it into this long video.

And what do you think? Did they hook up? I do think they did. Well, wait a minute. Don't blow the end of evidence. Well, it's, yeah, I won't blow like the piece of evidence that like makes me pretty sure, but you just skip the end of the video if you want to see it. You have the smoking gun. I have the smoking gun. Yeah.

There's no, they're not going to ever confirm or deny. Well, they're going to deny. They're not going to confirm, but I think it happened. You have Anna White's vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. got that. That's one of my three most treasured items. Gross. Okay, guys, last week,

speaking of vaginas, last week, the biggest problem in the universe was domestic violence. Yeah? And followed by unappreciated artists, or artists who get screwed. And then dead last was crickets. Yeah. Not a problem, though. Crickets were under zero. Crickets.

You want to get some crickets sounds? Is that what you're looking for? Oh, crickets. That was so worth it. Yeah, no, you were saying it was not a problem. Because people eat them. Well, some people eat them, yeah. Yeah, dirt poor people. No, protein.

Wait a minute, didn't you say you were going to eat the cricket that you caught in your house? Yeah, did you find it? Did you find it? Yeah, I finally found a cricket. Did you eat it? Not yet. What do you mean not yet? You know, I'm not going to spoil the ending. I'm making a video about this cricket.

Okay, it's my send-off letter to this cricket. And the cricket may be alive. Maybe it's not. Who knows? You'll have to watch the video. I'm doing a video about it. Are you going to eat it? We'll see. Well, you said you would eat it. Well, I don't know. I don't know. You've said you're going to do a lot of things, though.

You said you'd watch Titanic. You didn't do that. Oh, yeah. Right, Robin? Can I just say that the stupidest part? Well, no. The second stupidest part of Snowpiercer was how upset they were when they find out they've been eating crickets for like 10 years or 20 years, whatever. Yeah. And it's just like, what the fuck did you think you were eating? Also, crickets are not that gross. Crookets are not gross. Also, it was a gross gel bar. Like, what did you think was in that gel bar, bitches?

Like, they're like, oh, oh, my God. Now we have to murder everyone. We've been eating crickets on this apocalypse train. So for people who haven't seen Snowpiercer, there are these people on this apocalypse train. They have to eat, they've been eating this food that they didn't know was crickets all this time. And they got really super upset, right? Very upset.

Which I just bought, for real, I bought cricket protein bars from Amazon. They sell, it's a very sustainable, it's a very clean source of protein that you can get. Big solution. I guess. Crickets? Yeah. Eating them is a big solution. Not living with them.

That's a huge fucking problem. Dick, last week, so you brought in domestic violence. A lot of people really thought that was a good episode, myself included. I thought it was a great episode, great problem. I'm glad you brought that in. We got a lot of comments in there saying that they really like the show. Very, very positive. And a lot of people commented about their own personal experiences with domestic violence.

Thank you for sharing those. There were some voicemails we got. Some of them were very long and emotional and personal. I decided not to bring all those in. But I did look up some of these statistics about domestic violence. And this is kind of fascinating because all domestic violence surveys and statistics kind of presume a heterosexual frame of reference, right? A heterosexual point of view. This is from the CDC.

It says violence by an intimate partner, the prevalence of rape, physical violence, and or stalking by an intimate partner for women, lesbian women, was 43.8%. and bisexuals was 61.1%. The highest group who experienced this kind of harassment and abuse are bisexual women, followed by lesbians and then heterosexual. So lesbian and bisexual relationships are much more likely to experience domestic violence and sexual abuse. And for gay men, it's 26%. Bisexual men is 37%, and heterosexual men is 29%. So across the board, bisexual people experience violence way more frequently than heterosexual couples.

kind of interesting. Yeah, I wouldn't have ever, like, thought about that. And then I looked into the statistics a little bit further and to see what they actually meant by domestic violence, because sometimes when you talk about domestic violence, it's kind of conflated with verbal abuse, or they call it verbal violence, which isn't physical violence. They said the lifetime prevalence of severe physical violence by an intimate partner.

For example, being hit with a fist or something hard, slammed against something or beaten, was for women, 29% lesbian, bisexuals are 49% and, and heterosexuals are 23%. So again, bisexual and lesbian women are way more likely to get abused than anyone else. So the moral of this story is, being gay as bad for your health. Yeah?

Good job, Sean. Pass. Oh, I thought I was getting a gang in a hand clap. No, Sean. Somebody called in with, I think, what was it, the bonus episode or was it last episode when we were talking about how do you stop at a stop sign?

Do you remember that one? Yeah, I don't understand. the definition of how you determine if it's a stop. Because I don't understand what it even means to stop. Are you being sarcastic? No, no, because there is that infinitesimal moment, like at what, how much time has to pass for you to have stopped? No, no, no, you're off, you're off already. This guy tells you exactly what it is.

Yeah, I guess in the Maddox School of Samurai driving, they don't actually talk about what a stop is about trying to explain the space-time continuum and the physical properties of time. So I remember learning it when I was like 15 in driver's ed I don't remember it And this is the exact same thing that costs looked for So does your front bumper go down and then come back up That is the definition of a complete stop Such bullshit

It's not Why is that bullshit? That's such bullshit because you have to have enough momentum First of all that depends on the dampering of your springs Big Solution voted up It depends on the dampering of your springs Also it depends on the speed that you're going If you're not going fast enough to jar your car,

then that means you didn't stop. That's fucking bullshit. Oh my God. Your bumper doesn't have to go up and down. That's absurd. I'm going to veto that. I'm going to veto that. Well, you do not argue with.

That guy, that's like a very clear explanation of your momentum coming to a stop, grinding into the springs, and then fopping back out. Right, but if you're traveling around five miles per hour, Dick. It will definitely do that. No, it won't. Your bumper will not. All right. Five miles per hour?

Even Randy's shaking his head. No way. Sean, what do you think? If you're going five miles per hour, Is your bumper going to go up and down perceptively? I think on most cars it will, but not on a sports car with a stiff suspension. What, like an F1? Like a Formula 1?

That's what you're talking about? Yeah, okay. But here's the thing. You're probably, if you're driving like a normal person, you're probably approaching that stop fairly quick. Because people don't like to be inconvenience. So you're cruising up at like a normal speed. You hit the brakes a little bit. Probably goes down.

At five miles per hour. No, I think it's going faster than five miles an hour. No, no, but they're not going to make a law that depends on the dampening of your shocks. They're not going to make a law like that. Agreed. That's absurd. Let's put it this way. I think if you really look for it, you can see it. But I don't think that that's really a criteria for giving it to it. Yeah, you think some eagle-eye cop is sitting there. No, I think they can see if you stop or not. It's just a judgment call. It's like,

did you stop or didn't you? Right. That's what it is, Sean. It's a judgment call. It's like pornography. You know it when you see it. If it's a stop or not. Exactly. All right. I got some, I got something about. artists. Oh, here we go. Hey, this voicemail is for ballless cuckled nuts. I don't think that one's going to stop. How the fuck can you sit there and say that artists are getting the shaft by this

big fucking production company and faking their idea and selling it as their own and not giving them any fucking profit while also sitting there and peddling their Megman themed book, you talentless hack. Fuck you. And Dick, go fuck yourself.

Oh. I think that guy just wanted to remind everyone and they can buy hysteria's mega book. Yeah, Devastatorpress.com slash Megaman. We're going to link to it on our website. Thanks for the plug, dickhead. All right. Okay, here's the last one.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What state is Chicago in just as a geography quiz? Illinois. Yeah, that would be... Illinois. Okay, that's... Okay, wait, what? Illinois.

Illinois. Okay. Who said Illinois just then? Nobody. Well, because I got a lot of voicemails like this. This is Matt from D.C. quick message from Maddox author of the article I am a genius and you are not

yeah that's me Illinois Illinois Illinois Illinois Illinois yeah okay Illinois Illinois you piss drinking ape Did you say Illinois's last stuff Because there's a lot of people called in about it

I didn't know you said Illinois Are we talking about the state that Chicago's in Illinois? Illinois's right Are we talking about Illinois? Is that annoying enough dickhead? I'm going to pronounce it Illinois for the rest of my life fuck you How about that? I'm never going to pronounce it right.

My brother moved to Arkansas. Oh, that's really annoying, Sean. All right. You got anything else? I don't. No, that's it. Dick, you got a problem for us. Yeah. Wasting food. Wasting food? Big problem. Okay, why are you bringing this in? Because this made headlines recently, if it's what I think it is. France said that you can know, I'll just skip right to that.

France has become the first country in the world to ban supermarkets from throwing away and destroying unsold food. That's my favorite part. They have to give it away to charities and food banks. So do you know how much food we throw away? Shit time. Every day? So much.

We throw away. The civilized world throws away the entirety of the amount of food that the uncivilized world makes. It's something like that. That's not exactly what it is. That sounds about right. Yeah, more than 40% of our losses occur at the retail and consumer. The total, yeah, the total waste of food by consumers is 222 million tons. That's equal to the entire food production of sub-Saharan Africa.

That's a shit ton. And I read the statistic too recently, Dick, that we produce enough food. Right now, the Earth's population is about what, 7 billion? And we produce enough food to feed 11 to 12 billion annually. And they're still about a billion people starving. Or people who, they're not starving, but they're malnourished and they don't have enough food. Yeah, here's, I think this is what you're saying, one in four calories are never eaten that we make. So one in four of the calories that are being made in food, we just throw away.

And not just throw away. That's the part that I love about this law that they passed. It's not only that they can't throw it away anymore, it's that they can't throw it in the dumpster and then pour bleach on it. Yeah. So that homeless people, when they come to try and eat like the misshapen apples and like the slightly, you know, slightly old salads. They get a mouthful of bleach instead. That's so sad.

That's standard practice. What? What? No, I have some insight on this, actually. Because people would be eating out of the trash. Otherwise, all the moms shopping on Sundays with their kids are just going to take that shopping cart and go straight to the dumpster.

Instead, and shovel food out of it. If you feed them, then they stay. Yeah, they're going to set up camp. They end up for vet bill. and all kinds of shit. That's a very cynical approach, and that may have something to do with it. But I asked, when I was a kid,

I wondered this very same thing. Because I was like seven years old, and I saw at the grocery store, my local grocery store, the guy behind the counter taking huge loaves of bread at the end of the night, putting it in a giant, you know,

just looked like a transparent trash bag. And I asked him, I said, what are you doing with all that bread? Do you get to take it home? He goes, no, we just throw it away. I said, why don't you give it to homeless people? No, no. You can't do that.

He explained to me that. that I asked this again, I think I was too young at the time, but I asked this again from a friend who worked at a grocery store. And they said because for several reasons. First of all, that the food that you give to homeless people has to be clean and regulated. You can't give them bad food because otherwise it's a liability. And also, if they come to your property and they hurt themselves in your dumpster or whatever, that's also a potential liability.

So it kind of has to do with these laws that are on the book. to protect homeless people. Because essentially, if you open up a soup kitchen and you were feeding them moldy bread and food that had turned and food that was bad, you'd get arrested. What does it have to be like free range, certified, organic now? Yeah, it does.

For the homeless people? The food has to have better living conditions than they do. Gluten-free options for the homeless. That makes sense. It's just all about we'd rather not provide this huge service because it would put it, you'd get sued. Yeah. People don't want to get sued.

That's what it is right now. Yeah, that has a lot to do with it. Which is sad because this could potentially solve a huge problem. Also, there's another reason. I want to see that lawyer. Oh, they exist. That's every lawyer, Sean. That's true.

Go back and listen. That's their job. Supporting the law. Go back and listen to... I'm talking about homeless people. Yeah, go back and listen to episode 87 with affluenza. That lawyer would fucking do it for sure. That's his job.

Yeah. I'm saying they would do it. But there's another reason, too. And when I worked at KFC, a long time ago, that was my first job ever, I worked at KFC, and I was a cook, and at the end of the night, same thing, they would take a lot of the chicken and they would strip it and put it in the barbecue sauce for the next day, like the barbecue sandwiches or the previous day's chicken that they cooked. It's actually not bad.

It's actually a really good practice. However, there is a lot of food that they don't keep and that doesn't hold, like biscuits. I think chicken wings was another one and a few other things. And they would throw that away. And I said, why don't you give it to a homeless shelter? And they said because for the same reason, we don't want to allow the cooks to take it home anymore. They used to.

Because cooks at the end of the night sometimes intentionally overcook or overproduce product to give it to homeless people or to take it home themselves. I love the absurdity of this. That's why I find it so funny. I brought in hunger because I think it's a huge problem. But the idea that we make 25% of our food just to throw away, Like the idea that I go to Ralph's and the store, the supermarket, and overpay for an apple that looks perfect.

And like all the ones that don't look perfect are thrown away. And that part of the money I pay for that apple goes into destroying those non-perfect apples. And then part of the tax I pay on that apple goes to the government so they can give poor people money, snap, to go into the same store and buy a perfect apple while we're just bulldozing perfectly. good food into a landfill is hysterical to me. Like, it's too much. It's too much. It's no longer a tragedy. It's crossed the line for me. Like that absurd idea. You guys really talk about apples a lot on the show. Is that a lot?

Yeah, that's a strike. Okay, there's a strike. We can't mention apples anymore on the show, according to Candy Randy. That lasted zero episodes. Why haven't you mentioned it every episode? Yeah. You get three strikes, though, and then you're out. you were mentioning apples. You're working on strike two right now. Uh-huh. You're working on it.

The taser comes next. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I forgot also. So my goal last time I was on the show was to get a problem that just goes in the positive. My goal this time is to get in a big screaming fight with somebody. So I'm going to be for my opportunity. Oh, really?

You came to the right show. Because I listened to it and I was like, this is just a nice little conversation. Every other episode is just screaming at the top of your lungs. So that's my goal. So I'm going to look for that opportunity. Okay. Well, you experienced sexism. That's probably why you didn't get a screaming fight.

Yeah, yeah. That's why I wore this shirt. I'm wearing an Ace Ventura shirt. An Ace Ventura shirt. Yes, you won't view me as the lovely object I know I am under it. So you're dressed down? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'm also really hungover. Like, really hungover. The cause of dogs. Here, you're going to be into this one. It's now widely believed by scientists that the domestication of the dog was related to food, scrap. Then we can't get rid of it. I love dogs. Here's your first screaming match. No. More bleach

on food, less dogs. I am for this. I change it. Complete reversal. I think this is a huge solution. Wasting food is awesome because then you could put bleach on it and fuck those dogs. I'm so tired of everyone in their fucking dogs, man. No, this is cavemen. Cave men would waste food, throw

it at food scraps, they would throw it aside, and that's dogs domesticated themselves. Oh, really? Yeah. That makes sense. Prehistoric food waste. That's what they are. Parasites. Their nature, the evolution's parasite. Cuddly parasite. I guess parasites are also evolution's parasite.

But dogs, dogs are also evolution to parasite. All right. Dick, so I have a personal anecdote with this specific problem. Getting food out of trash? Yes. Okay. Yes. Go ahead.

First of all, right next to the Christmas tree. He got a whole feast out of the garbage. Yeah, yeah, okay. You laugh it up, but it was a perfectly good Christmas tree. I brought home a Christmas tree. Out of the garbage. It was leaning against a dumpster. It was a perfect...

That means is trash. It was a perfect Christmas tree. Here's the thing. K? Dickheads. There's this corporation. Corporations shut down two weeks before Christmas because it's fucking Los Angeles and everybody just shuts down early and they go home and they don't want to come back to a dead tree in their lobby. So this tree that's been, that's like just freshly cut, barely used.

They put it outside. Barely used. Like hardly any kids hugged it. And so I saw this perfect good tree and I brought it home. No big deal. Okay. But back to food. My dad, so there's a personal anecdote.

I've talked about my dad a bunch on the show. My dad is, like 80, he's 87 years old. He grew up part of his life through the Great Depression. So he has this mentality where he doesn't, it's almost like this abused mentality where he doesn't feel like he needs to eat apples from the tree. I had an orchard in my backyard where I grew up with lots of apple trees. and he would eat the apples that fell on the floor on the ground before he ate. It's just immediate air horn, right?

What are we doing? Yeah, I know. That's all we do, the drag sun, is apples. He would eat food that had spoiled on the ground before he ate it from the tree because he didn't want anything to go to waste, including food from the garbage. So my mom would throw out food all the time in the garbage, and my dad would go out to the trash and just hunt through it and eat it because he didn't want it to go to waste. and my mom started pouring bleach and detergent. Well, your mom's going to jail now. She lives in France.

You can't do that. Does she use a squirt bottle and spray him in the face every time he goes to the garbage can? But it's been the source of a lot of fights in my family because my dad would try to eat this food my mom was throwing away. As it should be. Yeah. It's like the Armenian George Costanza. My mom just started pouring detergent on it when she would throw her.

it out. And I get her point of view too because sometimes the food has spoiled and it's gone bad and she knows that if my dad gets sick eating that shit then it's going to cost us way more money and it's going to be a huge headache taking care of him. So I get that. They do that on the Kardashians too. Sometimes they'll get gifts of cupcakes

and stuff they like and they take one bite and then they'll just like I can't get fat and they have windex just for... You think all the Kardashians are fat? Yeah. Take a look. There's a lot more than you think. There's like 10 Kardashians and all that. Oh, the ones I don't know are not fat? Anyway, so they'll take one

bite and there's like, I can't have anymore. And then they spray this delicious cupcake with Windex and throw it in the trash. Oh my God. Oh, so they don't get tempted to take it back out of the trash? Maybe it's an Armenian thing. Maybe. I can say that. These stats are all over the place I got. One trillion dollars of food gets wasted every year. That's absurd. This is an absurd problem. But here's the other problem, Dick. When people talk about stuff This is not a problem of not enough food. This is a problem of bad distribution and politics. We don't have totally free trade in the world, and we have subsidies.

We have food that's subsidized. Yeah. And we have countries, like, for example, we produce way more corn than we need here in the United States, and we just put it in silos sometimes. There's just giant piles of corn in silos, and we can't do anything with it, because, first of all, it's too expensive to export, and a lot of countries have tariffs against certain types of products. Like for a long time, Japan wouldn't import U.S. beef. And so the U.S. started putting taxes on soy, I believe, to kind of put the thumb on the scale to force

Japan to start importing U.S. beef again. So there's a lot of politics and things that go that are involved in this problem, I think. We do with homes, too. A lot of empty homes out there. A lot of homes people and empty homes that no one's living in. Yeah. But they would wreck the homes. I mean, let's be honest. Covered in bleach. Yeah. Covered those homes in bleach. Perfectly good homes covered in bleach. There was that story, I think, a while back where a guy in Arizona, he was a squatter, and he just walked into this home that was empty, and he started living there. And he started, he bought a car, he started showing up there all the time.

And he lived there for like two, three years until finally someone kicked him out. Well, it happened a ton when the banks took back the properties. They couldn't market them. There were more properties than, you know, they would sit vacant for years. Yeah, Sean, I go back and forth on that. Whether or not squatters are entirely good. entirely bad because I lived in a neighborhood once with a squatter house. It was a very, very obvious squatterhouse because the bank was trying to sell it and nobody wanted the asking

price. There were a lot of offers on the market, but no one gave them the offering price. So the house started becoming run down because squatters kept breaking in, and it became a prostitution ring. There was a trans prostitution ring in this house in my neighborhood. Wait, a trans proprote? You mean trans? Trans exclusive? Transgender. There were a lot of, I don't know why. It just became a trans prostitution ring. That story? I was angry, and then the prostitution spiked me up, and then you hit me with the trans. It was a real roller coaster. Oh, and then a wheel.

All right, guys. Good problem, Dick. Is that it? You have anything else? No, I don't have anything else. But I just want to remind you that today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Get a free 30-day trial at audiblepodcast.com slash biggest. Free 30-day trial.

That's pretty good. You can't get a free 30-day trial on an apple, can you? No. There it is. No is the answer. It's not a trick question. Audible is offering a free 30-day trial membership, audible podcast.com slash biggest,

and browse over 180 audio programs. You can listen to them just like you listen to this podcast on your phone or whatever other device you might be listening to this on. Your Apple Watch, if you have a few minutes of battery life. Yeah, you can read about Steve Jobs, an autobiography by Walter Isaacson. Would you ever read an autobiography by Steve? Steve Jobs?

Possibly. Just to get ammo about him? Yeah, I like to learn. I like to read about people I don't like. Sure. Do you really? Yeah. Well, first of all, I think Steve Jobs, again, I think that he didn't invent shit, but he was a brilliant marketer.

He was a brilliant businessman. I think that there's a lot to be learned from Steve Jobs. He gets credit. He gets undue credit. And he also gets due credit. I just think that people cherish and lie and I see Steve Jobs for the wrong reasons. I would totally read a book. What if that book starts like that?

He gets undue credit and he gets due credit. Sounds like a New York Times bestseller. They have erotic stories, too. It's like the modern Ben Franklin. Yeah. Yeah. You ever written an erotic story, Robin? Written an erotic story?

Yeah. Besides the Star Trek flight, no. Oh, yeah. Well, you should turn that into an audiobook. Throw it up on audible. Audible.com. There you go. Head to audible podcast.com slash biggest.

Thank you, Audible. Yeah, free 30-day trial. Yeah, free 30-day trial. Thank you, Audible, for supporting the show. A lot of our fans used Audible last time when we had them on as a sponsor. a lot of people really like the service. Thank you for supporting us. All right, Robin, you got a problem this week.

I heard a big problem. I do have a problem. What is your problem? My problem is that no one teaches you how to fuck good. Oh, no. No one teaches you how to fuck good. Have you met Dick Masterson? You just turned over the keys to the asylum to the lunatic.

It's true. That's what my book is all about. That's what every email I write is about too. I'm not talking about picking up women. I'm talking about... Neither am I. Okay. Somebody out there's going to take this advice

and then end up in the ER with like a bowling pin jammed up their ass or something. I take no response to the way for this. Here's my explanation. Look at what we're doing right now. We're sitting, lovely chairs, looking microphones recording a podcast. Very complex, right?

We're speaking in English. So many concepts. How do we learn how to speak in English? How do we learn how to use microphones? Because someone taught us. Because someone, the only, like, if we had to invent, if it was just you and another 14-year-old and you're going to try to invent how to speak in English, you would be horrible, right? You would never learn anything. Like, that's the main way as we pass down information from generation to generation.

That's how we get everything. Thousands of hours on how to construct a thought and a thesis. Yeah, we need the word chocolate. Here it is. Just say chocolate when you're looking at that thing. Anyway, every just generation of people, because you just don't. talk about sex, you just eventually roll into bed with somebody and you both

try to figure it out together. And some people pick it up and you're like, okay, like you learn the techniques and some people don't and you just fuck bad and that's what it is. And then you're stuck with it. And then you're stuck with it and you also like you don't get any like, it's really hard to get. There's no feedback. Can't get feedback. There's no classes. So what I think is that there just should be like how you get like a generic

puberty book and it's just like, here's what's going to happen in your body. And it doesn't help. Like those puberty books aren't like that great, right? But they give you information. Like, you're like, pubs are going to show up at some point, right? There just should be, like, a boring porn that everyone watches. That's just, like, a couple of things. Just a couple of things to set you on the track of just, like, not being the worst in bed

and having to figure it out by yourself. Yeah, Robin, I think I know for guys how to solve this problem. For guys, you need to have sex with a woman at least 30 years old. Oh, God. At least 30. This is the worst. No. This is why there's no book, because we're already on very different wave legs.

Why? Why? Why? Because when I, a lot of the women I'd hooked up with in the past, especially the younger ones, were absolutely inexperienced in the sack and awful. It was awful. That's why I said high school sex is garbage. You guys think your, yeah, your bodies are great, but the sex sucks. And then I finally had sex with a woman in her 30s, and she was a no-bullshit type of woman. She's like, do this, don't do that, stop it, shut up.

Like, she told you exactly. Well, yeah, you got lessons. And take that out of your mouth. It sounds like you were the problem, though, in all the instances leading up to this. How can you do that many things wrong, though? It's also just like the lack of, like, good things. It's just like a bunch of, like, garbage. Just like, you know, no technique.

What kind of technique you're looking for? Yeah, Robin. What are you? Give me a three. Give me one. Let's do it around the horn. What do you like? Different people.

Yeah, different people want different things, Robin. There's no such thing. Give us one. Okay, okay. One thing. One thing. It takes guys a long time to learn, use your fucking hand when you're going down on somebody.

Like, don't just use your tongue. That's what? I know. So I've been with women who like that and I've been with women who don't. And they will very verbally or physically restrain you if you get a little too handsy down there. Okay. Well, whatever.

At least know it's on. the table. It's on the table. I agree. Okay, I'll give you that. I mean, if you're performing oral as a man, you're making a mistake already. Okay, great. Because that's not what they want in their mind. They don't want you to submit to them. They want you to always be dominant. Yeah. Yeah. So what's yours? What's your first tip? Again, I'm a shock. It depends on the woman. Well, you can't put that in a book. That's not a lesson. That's not how you teach somebody to do. You can't say, it depends on them. Good luck. You got to give them something. You got to say it's dangerous. Take this Tip. Robin gave a great one.

Okay. Use your hand. Okay. All right. If you're into that kind of thing. I would say if you're starting out, it's someone you first, the first time you're having sex with them, you ramp up. You got to be really gentle and then see what their tolerance is, what their tolerance level is. And just ask them. Just ask them.

Some women have really sensitive, sensitive nipples, sensitive, vagina sensitive clit. But you have to. Getting steamy in here with these specific terms. that you asked for. I'm getting... What? Okay. Ramp up?

Some who are very sensitive. And then other women, other women have, like, piercings down there. It's, like, sticking your dick into a tackle box. Okay. You can just... Into a tackle box? All right. You can just hammer away like a jackhammer, and they, like, nothing.

It's like nothing. So, anyway, that's my tip. Ramp up. That's a great tip, man. That's a great tip. What's your tip? Well, I want to get Sean first. Okay.

See, he's eager. Look at how eager. he is to show off his tip. You move the mouse to your left hand. That's a great tip. I do it too. Maddox is not amused. Why would you move the mouse to your left hand? Most people are right-handed.

Move the mouse? Explain it. Explain it. It's a jerk-off joke. Yeah, okay. This is not high-brow humor here. Okay, I get, okay. I'm on board with you. I get it, Sean. Low-hanging fruit. Otherwise, you reinforce the levee with those sandbags, too many muscles, you build up too many masturbating muscles in your left arm too. If you don't move it to your other hand.

I totally get it. Okay. My tip, don't let them look you in the eyes. Okay. You have a lot of daytime set. Don't let them look you in the eyes. What do you mean? Well, if it's dark, you don't, it's not a problem.

Oh, no, I turn that thing on, like, Abu Ghraib. In my bedroom. There's like, there's like Fenway Park in there, like many, many, many lights. No eye contact. No eye contact at all. They like that. Because then they got to use their imagination to see what you're feeling. You know, they can't look in your eyes and see nothing.

This is a pretty good guide. I have another tip. Okay. I thought of it. No, like, little, if there's, like, you need to, like, change positions and there's, like, a couple of second pause. Or there's, like, a little, like, awkward thing that happens. No bits. No.

And what I mean Is No, they're like, Oops, sorry about that. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Like, ooh. It takes you at the moment, doesn't it?

It's real bad. Shut the fuck up unless it's dirty talk. So Michael Winslow is not your ideal man. What kind of bits have you had pulled on you in the act of lovemaking? Just like awkward things like that.

Like, oh, oops. Oops. Ha ha ha ha ha. Like little awkward thing. You're like feeling nervous that like something happened. like, yeah, like, okay, it's like a bunch of body smashing. There's going to be a little weird, awkward thing once in a while.

Like, ignore it. Just like, move on. Rob, I would add on that note, also, uh, farts or quefs. If that happens, don't, don't bring attention to it. Don't, don't make it a big fucking deal. Like, okay. I'll add a, I'll add an especially in the case. Although I don't think a fart in a quief is quite the same.

I think a fart would be, you could probably bring attention to that. Would you srabin? Would you experience? Me either, me either. But I'm imagining it now. Well, it depends on the kind of sex you're having. After a nice brunch gumbo. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Farts and queves.

It's a real hot, spicy sex. Maddox, what's your next tip? My next tip. Okay. By the way, this is a man who finished on a woman and shouted goal. Oh, yes. We both shouted goal at the same time. To be fair.

That sounds like I believe that. I shot entirely. I made it right into her belly button, Robin. It was a perfect, it was perfect. Every last drop. But, okay. It was perfect in every way except sexually. Logistically.

Parabolically. Okay. Another thing I like to ask is if this is a woman who I may be going out on a couple dates with and we've hooked up a few times, I, first of all, I've been fortunate enough to have none of the women except for one fake an orgasm in my life because I asked them I said what You ask every person

But wouldn't it be easier to fake that it To the lie than it was to fake the entire orgasm I've experienced only one fake orgasm And I told the girl I'm like I don't care You don't have to It doesn't hurt my ego if you don't get off That's fine especially the first few times you have sex with someone They're often nervous

And they're not going to get off Until you build a certain comfort level Because people people aren't comfortable enough to tell you what actually does it for them. And when you build that comfort level, that's when people will be more honest and that's when you're more likely to experience a real orgasm

with the woman. So what's the tip? Don't fake it? No, the tip is to ask them what gets them off and whether or not they've gotten off during sex because a lot of women have it. A lot of women cannot, cannot get off during sex, especially purely vaginally, purely

with penetration. That's right. Boy, these clinical terms again be nice and see me sometimes just orally yeah sometimes just orally no that's a myth that they tell you

that's a trick that's a trick that they're trying to trick you to go down on them I know that fucking trick then you don't have to look them in the eye women who are multi-

yeah I'm trying to give a real advice here you fucked up yeah I forgot what show I'm on I was gonna say women who are multi-orgasmic sometimes they don't like oral

yeah that's true too sensitive okay so I'm sorry go ahead and myself I'm not crazy about blow jobs because sometimes blow jobs suck.

And I, this goes, this is a tip for guys. Is that a pun? This is a tip for guys. Guys, if a woman, like don't be such,

an eager beaver, eager eddy with, with blow jobs that you're, that you're so happy you're getting one, that you're, you're just going to take anything you get. Because that's how, then the woman never improves.

If the blow job sucks, tell her, stop using your fucking teeth. How about that? Okay. Wait, well, what's your teeth?

See, that's why this, like, boring porn needs to exist, that just has an example of someone seeing a normal blowjob, and then it has a little PowerPoint button that says, don't you shoot teeth. Everyone just needs to, like, this thing just needs to be a boring thing that you watch if it doesn't exist. No, I like the teeth, though.

You want to pretend that she's building a dam. I'm like, this is the first slog. It's chewing off. Robin, is teeth, is teeth, this is something I kind of wondered with women, too, because I've never, I've never done it, but is teeth ever a problem for women? Like, guys with their teeth? I've never experienced that. That sounds horrifying.

Because guys know, because guys have experienced and they know not to. See, that's, yeah, I don't really understand, like, why a woman would use teeth. But a guy using teeth, that gets really close to, like, your guys' number one problem, right? Of a female genital mutilation. Like, that's horrible. You're, like, one clamped down away from that being on. That's the excitement. I looked up the stats on UNICEF.

Terror. Yeah, this is according to UNICEF and the CDC. They actually did this research. they did a study, and they found that when women are subjected to female genital mutilation, they do gnaw off, they do use their teeth, the doctors. Is that true? No, of course not. Oh, my God, that's a weird joke.

Okay, so your tip was, no, what's, ask them what? Ask them what gets them off. That's my tip. Ask them what gets them off. I don't know, man, that's putting a lot on them. It's on you, you've got to figure that out. Yeah. Another thing, too, about women is sometimes they can only get off in a certain position or a certain way.

even if it's just laying down on their back or if they're on top, whatever it is, that's what they associate with getting off, and that's the only way they can get off. Okay, Sean, what's your tip? All right. Well, Dick will hate this, but it goes to honesty. Yep. Don't fake things.

Here's the other thing. Get out of your head. Oh, yeah. You have to be stupid. You can't be like thinking. You can't be using your brain. No, it's a basic thing. If it feels good to you, feels good to her or him, you're there.

Like, everybody's different. Don't overthink it. What do you recommend to get out of your head? What's a tip on how to get out of your own head? Then you really start freaking out. Look at, I see that jamming up in your brain gears right now. You're trying to think of an idea of how to get out of your head. Just got to be drunk.

I found that... That works for a while. Like, first of all, don't be self-conscious about your body. If you're in the sack with someone and you're already naked or you're getting your clothes off, guess what? They're into you. They want to have sex with you because you're in bed with them naked. And if they're doing it with you, then don't be so self-conscious about you.

yourself. Just be confident, do your thing, and don't worry about it. Probably easier said than done, but you've got to find a way to just get out of your own head. If you're one of those people who overanalyzes everything. You know what I'd like to think? You'll enjoy it much more. This helped me, this helped me a long time ago when I first started having sex, I, you know, if I felt self-conscious, I would think of the other person in how self-conscious they must feel, because they've never

seen a giant monster cock like mine, so they must be really intimidated. Wow. Yeah. Do girls have a problem getting out of their heads? Crickets. You, Sean. Definitely at first, for sure. Yeah, the first time I ever came during sex was like a couple years into college

and it's actually because I was, I think I was taking this dude's virginity. And the reason that I was able to finally come is because I knew that he didn't have an expectation of like me to come. And so I wasn't having an anxiety attack about it. Interesting. Wow. Okay. So otherwise

he'd be freaking out because he also had like a really good dick that was big how big like a pringles can no oh god no like a pool like a pool noodle like like an organic banana or conventionally grown the weird like long stuff

yeah you know what I mean um I did see a pringles can dick once and I had to send him home yeah that shit'll tear you up I was just like no I said no did you did you do anything with him I gave it a hand drop and I was crazy yeah he had to leave him a little Yeah, you have to go home.

Okay. My tip? Yeah. Put your phone so the face is down. Because the last thing you want is a text coming in from another girl in the middle of having sex. And she sees that and like, who the fuck is this? And you're like, oh, fuck, I got to make up a bunch of lies from the middle of having sex. All right, these are pretty good tips, guys.

What's this list going to? This is the book. I'm going to put it up on Audible. Oh, okay. Wait, no, so I also came with a problem And I also had... It's called tips to ignore. Yeah.

I also had a business idea for you too. Okay. And so this is not... This is now we're leaving bit territory. This is legitimately, I think, a good business idea for both of you. You guys should really write a book together about how to pick up women. Oh, that'd be a good job. You should absolutely...

You got Maddox with the quality. Dick with the quantity. Coming to you in 2020. America's built on quantity and yeah I think it would be you can make it funny

and like helpful and informative because you guys are both like weird nerdy dudes that are constantly fucking hot women like you guys are really consistently it's like a nice

rotating pool like very attractive women just a train through my bedroom it just is so you must know the secrets you've somehow figured it out yeah yeah it's a it's a train

that stops in pound town I need a sign that says that. Poundtown? Pound town. Over your bedroom, yeah. Hang it on my bedroom. So make it real welcoming to all these like these hot women.

Okay, yeah, Robin, thank you for the suggestion. We will consider that in the pile. Did you have any more for your problem? No one teaches you how to fuck her. No, that's it. It just should be a thing just like part of sex education. And this list we put together didn't make you second

guess your idea of making it like a book? Those are pretty good, I thought. I feel like this is like the evolution debate in textbooks. You know, like if there was actual learning material on how to have sex, it would be like a big debate on if creationism should get in there, if evolution should be. There has to be a shitload of books on this subject.

I don't want to be a book, though. It needs to be a boring porn. Oh, you want a boring porn. So you watch it, what's happening? All right. Yeah, Robin, I got three little words for you. Three little words. Kamasutra.

There is that book, so there's the one. It is boring. No, the comment, have you seen the illustrations? Yeah. First of all, hilarious, and also, kind of fappable. Kind of fappable. If I was in prison, and that's all I had. Yeah.

I'd bust it nut all over those Indian texts. Well, you know what else you would want in prison? Today's show is brought to you by Harries. Please visit Harries.com and use the promo code, biggest problem to save $5 off your first purchase. Oh, my God. German engineered three-blade cartridges, a close, comfortable show. shave, no cuts or burns, quality guaranteed.

It's a full refund if you're not happy. Great blades, yeah, thank you, thank you for sending us some packages, Harry's has been sending us some packages, and when we have guests on the show, we're going to give him some packages. Robin, do you shave your legs? I do. Cool. That's all, that's all.

I'm not going to get it. I was offered a package last time. Yeah. One of these days. Get it? A fan sent in an email about Harry's razors, speaking to the quality of the blade, Chris. I spend a fortunate.

my worthless Canadian dollars, which only became slightly more affordable with the discount I received from your show. When I tried a Harry's razor for the first time today, I was blown away with how close the shave actually got and began to resent my old razor. All right. Seriously, fuck that razor. My face is usually stubbly a few hours later, and it's over 12 hours later and my face is still smooth. That's true. Harry's razors do do that. Thank you guys for referring me to an actually good product instead of slinging snake oil. I'm planning on moving out, blah, blah, blah, more stuff. Maddox, you should make more 3D renders for us to laugh at. Cheers, Chris. Laugh, laugh at?

Excuse me? Laugh at? That's what he said. You mean learn from? That was a typo. Learn from. That's maybe what he meant. I don't know.

Bullshit. I went on an internet date with someone who works at Harry's. Did you really? Really? Yeah, he works in some kind of like part of the computer science-y part of it. That's like most, I would imagine most of Harry's. It's just like a big computer science factory. Like two, there's two parts of Harry's.

The IT part and then the factory. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Did he give you a discount with our promo code? No. Was he smoothly shaped? I didn't like him.

I don't know. I was distracted. He immediately said that having children destroys a woman's body. Okay. Unprompted. Okay. They know it. You don't need to tell him.

They already know that. Yeah. And why are you saying that's 10 minutes into a date? Yeah. And then some other fucked up shit. All right. That was like your first date conversation. Like, so what do you do?

And then he's like, you know, having a baby. just wrecks your vagina. He said, destroys one of the whole body, not just, oh, your body, yeah. And then I said, because I couldn't believe he just said that. So then in a joking voice, I was like, yeah, once a woman has a couple of kids just throw her in the trash, right? And he was just like, yeah, yeah. And he couldn't tell if I was joking or not. And then I was like, you're not smart enough to go out with. Yeah. You dodged a bullet there, Robin. They make a great blade, though. Yeah, great blade, great product, bad dates. Thank you for supporting us.

The biggest problem. The fact that he's not smooth with women just shows how dedicated he is to his job. You have to be smooth with your face if you're not smooth with women. You got to make it's one or the other. You got to compensate. Guys, I got to. Every guest tries to ruin the ads. How is that ruining it?

Robin. It has said nothing to the product. It is perfect. You don't ever want to associate the brand with the negative thought. All right. I take all that stuff back. No, don't take it back. Don't take it back.

You already said it. Don't take it back. This is great. All right, guys. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. Q-tips. Yeah, Q-tips. Huh?

Who uses Q-tips in this room, huh? Me. Pretty much everyone. Yeah, well, they're a big problem. Q-tips are an anomaly because you constantly want to use them, but you're not supposed to. It's like masturbation. People always warn you about it, but it feels good, and you can't stop doing it. Except instead of cleaning out wax from a hole, you end up having to clean up a mess you made all over your curtains, blinds, windows, and binoculars.

Hmm. Am I right? Guys, Sean, I know you. You know what I'm talking about, Sean. There's an article from the Washington Post called The Strange Life of Q-Tips, the most bizarre thing people buy, and it really is a bizarre thing you buy, because according to this article says,

Q-Tips are one of the only major consumer products, if not the only one whose main purpose is precisely the one the manufacturer explicitly warns against. The little padded sticks have long been marketed as a household staple, pitched for various kinds of beauty upkeep, arts, crafts, home cleaning, and baby care. And for years, they have carried an explicit caution on every box of Q-tips, which comes with this caveat. It says, do not insert inside the ear canal. But everyone, especially those who look into people's ears for a living, know that many, if not most, flat out ignore the warning.

Guys, this is a big problem. The boxes, first of all, didn't start warning you about not putting them into your ear until around 1970. Q-tips... What were they originally for? Well, originally they were for, I think they were for baby care. That's... For what on the baby? The ears?

The baby's ears. Well, like, what else is there? I don't know. I think they were for, the article mentioned it, but do you guys, do you know what the Q in Q-tip stands for? Quality. Quality. Yeah. It's for quality tips.

That's what my penis is called, too. It's a quality tip. Yeah. Are these the bits that you're talking about not to do during love-making? Hey, baby, you want some quality too? Yeah, yeah, I would not like that. You wouldn't like that? Maybe what if there's a woman who does?

She likes a real chuckle fuckers. She doesn't know. She doesn't know how to. Yeah, I'm with you. The first commercial Q-Tips were introduced in the market in 1923, and we're called Baby G-Gays. Sorry? Yeah, that's G-A-Y, baby gays.

Baby gays. They were made of wood and not double-sided. And, yeah, they were for babies. That's originally what the Q-Tips were for. Some of the old boxes. For what on the baby? For what on the baby? I don't know, man.

I don't have fucking baby. This is your problem. I don't have a baby, though. How am I supposed to know what the fuck? Guess? What do you think it would be for? Their pee hole? I don't know about that.

That's gross. They would say that. Their butt holes. Maybe their butt holes get a bunch of crusty diarrhea around it. They do. Do they? I don't know, man. I don't know anything about babies.

You need a whole towel to take care of that. Gross. So, so some of the old boxes of Q-tips used to say things like for adult ear care. So they used to market it. as a product for your ears. The company knows what people use them for, but they have to be really coy in their advertising now.

So they started changing their tack in around the 90s, the late 80s, early 90s. It started changing their tack with their advertisement. Here's the TV spot from 1980 with Betty White, where they come as close as they can to suggesting you should use them in your ear, but they don't actually say it. Listen to this.

Q-Tips has a nice soft cushion of cotton right here at the tip, so they feel nice and soft and safe when you use them on your eyes or on your nose or on your ear or even when you drop them on your foot. And she dropped it. The safe swab. Oh, they couldn't say ear? They didn't say ear.

They came as close as they could, literally, the first two syllables. But could they not say ear? No, no, because they don't want to... Because they get sued, people jamming their ears, right? They go deaf. Is that true, though, or is that just the joke of the ad that she's dropping it? No, it's absolutely true. They want to market it for your ears.

but they know that people are injuring themselves. So how come they can't say, hey, you could use this to clear your ears, but, like, America's Funniest Home Videos can say, hey, take a picture of you almost getting shot or running over your kids in a car and then send it to us for maybe money? Like, how can they get away with that

but they can't say, like, use this cotton device to clean in your ear. What is the sense? I think America's Funniest Home Videos does say, don't try this at home. And also, they're not... No, they say, do it, and we'll give you money. They don't say staging.

though. They say if it happens to happen. Yeah, send us your funny videos. They don't say hurt yourself. Also, what? Funniest videos have people almost getting shot in them? All of them, Rob, and the funniest videos. The ones that didn't get on TV. They're the good ones. There's a funny compilation of them called The Faces of Death.

There's like four volumes. So the Washington Postal article goes on. They talk about the addictive quality to Q-Tips and they liken it to cigarettes. The cigarette analogy is an apt one. We continue to twist Q-tips in our ears, thanks to a simple truth, it feels great. Our ears are filled with sensitive nerve endings, which send signals to various other parts

of our bodies. Robin, is that a sex tip? Using Q-tips leads to what dermatologists refer to as an itch-scratch cycle, a self-perpetuating addiction of sorts. The more you use them, the more your ears itch, and the more your ears itch, the more you use them. And this vicious cycle, I looked into it. There's another article on this website.

It's wb-b-r.org. So this vicious cycle, the more you use it, the more you need to use it. According to this website, the wax in your ear waterproofs your ear canal and keeps water from going in. So when you clear out the wax, more water gets inside and the more you feel like you need to use it. It's this insane addiction cycle with this. Oh, so you shouldn't be using them at all in your ears? So you shouldn't clean your ears? You don't need to because the wax comes out on its own naturally.

Yeah, because of the way the skin grows. Yeah. It brings it out. It's supposed to be there. It's supposed to be. It's a natural answer. Hybiotic too. Earwax? Yeah, next time you're shaking.

Really? So we're hurting ourselves by cleaning our ears out? Yes, yes. You can jam it too far in, too. It's so satisfying. It looks so gross when you get a lot. And you're like, yeah, really did it today. I know. What about blowing your nose? Is that bad for you, too? No, because the mucus inside your nose collects the, it's supposed to come out that way. Or down your throat, you could swallow it too, I guess. But the mucus inside your nose collects bacteria and collects all sorts of things that we're not supposed to have in our body,

like spores and fungus and dust particles. Paper clips, sure. Penises, who knows? Quality tips. That's totally legal to have in your body. I don't know what you're talking about. People have been led to think, this is from Washington Post again, people have been led to think that it's normal

to clean their ears. They think that ear wax is dirty, that it's gross or unnecessary, but that's not true at all. There's a Dr. Fitzgerald, they interviewed him. He said, he likens earwax to tears which help lubricate and protect your eyeballs. Robin.

Lubricate. Wax does something similar for the ear canal where the skin is thin and fragile and highly susceptible to infection. So when you put the Q-tips inside your ear, you could even scratch your ear canal and then get infected. And all these doctors they interviewed

said that most of the patients who come into their office with ear problems have it because they've been using Q-tips. Huh. But here's the problem. They don't even know the extent to which people are injuring themselves from Q-tips.

because the Consumer Protection Safety Commission doesn't track cotton swabs and neither does the FDA because they don't classify as a medical device. They're in this weird gray area of unregulated limbo of small government dick, hmm? Go ahead, Randy.

I don't give a shit. I don't think of it. Oh. Randy scrambled so hard to get that horny fill off his chair. I don't blame him. More than half the patients seen in auto laryngology, it's an ear, nose, and throat doctors. Regardless of their primary complaint,

admit to using cotton swabs to clean their ears. So because of these, what, you were going to say something? No. Because of these problems. So because Q-Tips are a problem, and people know that there's this weird fixation on earwax that people have. There have been a number of different companies that have tried to produce different products to get earwax out of your ear.

And here's one called WaxVAC. And it's exactly, exactly what it sounds like. Yeah, listen to this. Here's the ad. I found this ad for WaxVac. Listen to this. We all know we shouldn't use cotton swabs to clean or dry our ears. They even warn us, but we do it anyway.

Stop. That was a guy who put a cotton swab in his ear and he yelled, ow. But he couldn't hear himself doing it. Introducing WaxVac, the safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears. WaxVac will have. help your whole family feel better and keep their ears healthier. Here's how it works. Unlike cotton swabs, which push dirt and harmful wax further into your ear and can puncture

your ear drum, ouch! Waxfack gently draws dirt particles and moisture out of your ear rather than pushing it in. There's nothing else like it. Waxfack is quiet. I believe that. Yeah. Safe. Its unique safety guard prevents it from going waxback.

They show you how quiet waxback is. Listen. Quiet. Listen. Safe. Its unique safety guard prevents it from going too deep like an ear thermometer. Going too deep, Robin. Sex tip.

Defective. See how gently it vaks water and dirt. Leaving your ears clean and dry. You just empty it out when you're done. Oh, and by the way, that part of the commercial, the emptying out when it's done, they have this weird little funnel, and they dump it out, and it's like this waxy colored water, this liquid water they're dumping out into the sink, and it makes me want to throw up.

It's so disgusting. Everywhere worn against using cotton swabs to clean your ears. Don't use a cotton swab in your ear because it can cause. Significant damage. No one likes water in their ears. Don't pound your head. Use waxback instead. I know I shouldn't use cotton swabs to clean my ears.

Wax vac seems like the perfect solution. Stop using other ear cleaners that don't work. And stop using cotton swabs that can damage your ears. What other ear cleaners are there? There is, so I went to my doctor a while back and I do a check of whatever. He says in one of my ears, there is a whole bunch of impacted wax. Because I use... Sure, there is if you don't fucking clean your ears.

No, I do. That's a problem. I use Q-tips and I found... Yeah, I use Q-tips all the time and it just like jams the wax inside your ear. And I went to a doctor a long time ago when I was a kid and I don't know why doctors don't always do this. But he looked inside my ear and he said, oh, you got a huge wax build up. Let me get that out of there. And he reached in with these like rubber-tipped tweezers and pulled out this like giant like ball of wax.

I'm like, how the hell? Yeah, I know, it was disgusting. my brother, my brother a long time ago when he was, I think, in fourth grade, told my mom one day that he was in the shower, after he got out of the shower, he used the cue tip in his ear, and he said, Mom, the end of it came off in my ear

and my mom didn't believe him. She's like, whatever, that's not possible. That doesn't happen. She goes, it did, it did. And my mom didn't believe him for years. Fast forward to 10 years later, my brother's like dicking around in his ear one day and he pulls out this cue tip,

this end of a cue tip. It was in his ear for like, And years. That's a nightmare. Yeah. Oh my God. Q-tips are a huge problem. They're like most ear problems that you have.

Most ear infections are caused by dicking around with your ear, putting Q-tips in there, and it feels good. So that's why we keep doing it. And I myself, since I was going to bring this problem in last week and the week before, we just kept running out of time. But I tried to... So many people suffered in that time. Yeah. Well, I try, I know how much of a problem this is. And I tried to wean myself off of Q-tips.

I can't. I can't help it. I can't. I need to either stop buying them or, I don't know. Wait a minute, but why does it, you keep saying that it feels so good to, like, wiggle the Q-tip around in your ear? I don't think I experience that. It does. It does? To me, it does.

A lot of people. Do you guys have dicks? Your ear feels that good? Are you like a Ferengi, right, Robin? Yeah. How do you do it, that it feels so good? Like, what am I doing wrong? I want to get addicted to this.

You've got to jam it so far in. You get around the corner. What? Is that what you really do? No, don't do that. What do you do? Why does it feel so good for you? Because you have a lot of nerve endings inside your ear.

It's a very sensitive... Some people even say it's an erogenous zone. Have you seen the movie... What's that? Have you seen the movie... Correct. True. True.

Have you seen the movie? There's a movie called The Intouchables. And it's based on a true story about this guy who got paralyzed. He became... I think he's a quadriplegic. And he... At some point during the movie, this guy who's kind of his caretaker asks him, do you have any kind of sexual pleasure?

Do you have any, do you still date? He goes, of course, of course I still date. I still, and his penis still worked. But he said that what gives him a lot of pleasure on dates is if girls played with his earlobes. Okay. Because the ears are very sensitive. Earlobes are very, they have a lot of nerves up there. So it feels good.

Like the Q-tip does, though. Yeah. Especially inside your ear. It's very, very sensitive. And it needs to be if you think about it. I'm more with you. You can get it, right? What I just want is like how much yellow shit can I get?

Yeah. And I'm like, ooh, that's what I did today. Nice. Nailed it. Trash. I don't get to vapors and have to lay down after I clean my ears out. Oh, mercy. Myself.

Twiggling my ear around. I clean my ears and I'm spent, man. I wake up with just tissues everywhere. So do you not clean your ears anymore? Is that a safe guess? I do. I do. I try.

I tried replacing Q-tips with just, I would just get a little. little bit of toilet paper or something and just try to like you know clean clean around it but uh that sounds more dangerous then you got your fingernail in there i know i don't get in deep enough so the toilet paper it's almost like they say that you should never put anything uh sharper than your elbow inside your ear but your finger doesn't get in too deep unless you have really pointy fingers sharper than your it makes no sense that's nothing yeah that can't go in your ear exactly that's the point oh it's like a little joke i guess man well a little ear humor this is very informative but mostly i'm upset that I just haven't gotten in a screaming fight.

I've just kind of, it's been like a nice, relaxing podcast. What do you have a strong opinion on? But see, that's going to go like, it's going to be two. It's going to go from zero to 110. Let's hear it. That's a screaming fight. No, I mean, like, if we, like, really, like, dissected, like, how much you seem to hate women, like, that would probably cause a fight.

Me? Yeah. I don't hate women. Sure. I just wouldn't hire one. Yeah. There it is. But, yeah, no, we're not going to get into that.

Oh. I don't know. Scream. Yeah. Well. Goals for next time. Goals for next time. Didn't happen this time, Robin.

No. You know what you need to do is bring in a really moderate problem that nobody can possibly argue with. Yeah, like apples. And then Dick will find a way. That's what you got to do. Me? Yeah. Well, I don't know.

He's the expert. Guys, real quick, before we wrap up, I got a package. I forgot to mention this at the top of the show. I got a package from a fan named Cody. Cody sent this in for Valentine's Day. Oh. Yeah, he says, in the spirit of the season,

I've included Maddox's first love, quartet for the Sega Master System. He sent me a video game. It's a game called Quartet. It's one of my very first... It was my first favorite video game. I loved this game for years and years. It's for the Sega Master System.

Is he going to send you a Sega Master System next? No, I still have... I still have mine. You have, Sean. You idiot. Dib shit. Of course I have a Sega system. I have all the Sega systems. Even the 32X. It's awful. Second, I've included the thing that Maddox loves more than anything in the world,

hating rich people. Please enjoy Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire on the Sega Dreamcast? I didn't know this was a real game and keep doing what you guys do. He sent this game called Who Wants to Beep Up a Millionaire? I've never even heard this. I guess it's a Dreamcast game. I'm going to have to look this up. Have you heard of this?

No, I don't think anyone's ever heard of this. Who wants to beat up a millionaire? And then Quartet for the Sega Master System, one of my old-time favorite video games. Oh my gosh, it even has the booklet. Thanks, Cody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Oh, wait, I thought of just like a one-minute screaming fight.

Yeah. Dick. I'm a teacher. I make $30,000 a year. I'm a good person. Yeah, fuck you, dick. I'm a useful human. I teach chemistry to people that need to know chemistry.

The fact that I'm poor is like, fine. You want to, also how much, you need to reveal exactly how much you make a year, because you seem to be filthy rich from all your little comments. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're just like, oh, you only make an 80,000. I was in, oh, you're a garbage human. I don't think it makes you a garbage human. I mean, human.

You're starting high already. Yeah. How much do you make every year? I'm not getting into that. Only two people will ever know how much money I make. Even if I get married, okay? Let's say that. Don't get married.

So that's never going to happen. My dad and my accountant. That's it. Nobody else. Well, anyway, I'm a good person. That's how it should be. That's how it should be, by the way. Why?

I am for... You don't want anybody to know how much money you make. There's this movement in the UK right now with the whole gender wage gap thing. It's starting to get momentum. And these, like, feminist groups want to push corporations to release everyone's salary, which I am totally in favor of. Sure. Because then... And a lot of people are in favor of because then you can see, like, if this actually exists, this gender wage...

I mean, that's... We already know. but there's another, it adds another layer of transparency. Are you in favor of that, Robin? I could, that'd be useful for me. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, like, I would enjoy that. Yeah.

So, but back to your point, the, you know, teachers who earn less don't necessarily, like, why do you teach? What is your motivation? It's not money. Well, I want to be doing comedy. Teaching love. Okay. So, I just learned of this term recently. Would you consider it a fallback?

Uh, I don't know. I guess. No, but I really like it. I don't know. You can like two things, yeah. But no, so you said many times the people that make $30,000 a year, and then our teachers are like bad and stuff. I didn't say they're bad. What did you say?

Do you think that I think they're bad because they don't make a lot of money? Or like stupid and shouldn't be able to teach about finances. Yeah. I don't think they should tell anyone about finance. Why? Because they have no experience with it. Unless it's someone who's specifically trained in finance. You said you couldn't like hire a good person.

people for such, like, if anyone works for that, they're not good at their job. I didn't say that either. I said it's lucky that so many teachers do so much work for such a very small amount of money. I don't think you said that day. You're such a bullshitter. That's what I said. No, you didn't say that. Play it back. That is exactly what he said. That's exactly what I said. And then I laughed like a jackal. And you said it so sarcastically. Well, yeah, I say so sarcastically because they get, oh, you must get really good people if you can get them for $30,000. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I absolutely think that they're. I absolutely think that they're are a ton of shitty teachers.

And a ton of them should be fucking fired immediately. But the teacher union is so powerful and it's so difficult to fire them because the entire profession is run by people who get off with just helping kids. And money never enters their mind. So the whole profession is ruled, is full and poisoned by the useless.

So many teachers are worthless and should be fired fucking immediately, but they never. never will be because the union is so powerful and it will never be toppled because its enemy is teachers who don't know how to fight an enemy like that. It's a huge problem. But, but, but you just shovel praise on them. You take you, you know what teachers? You're all great. You're all great. We're going to shovel this praise on you. You never give him any fucking money and they will never get any money because it's worth it to hear that they're good people. That's all they want.

That's why the system sucks to me. That's why. Yeah. That's, it, it, that's, it, that's, why I say it's great that we can get such an important job done for so... What? What? Whoa. She asked, the guest asked. What do you want me to say? It is a big problem, Dick. We should fire

these unqualified teachers, but you can't fire parents. You can't fire parents. What do you mean you can't fire the teachers either? No, of course you can. Go look up a teacher's union. In California, it's like the first or second most powerful union in the state. It's so ridiculous. It gets governors elected.

Right, of course. The service workers union and the nurses union, believe it or not. Yeah, and the police union. I understand, but this is like being conflated with a, it's starting to get political. It's starting to become like, the libertarian agenda. How is this a libertarian agenda that the teachers need to be fixed? Well, because, what would you do? Bust up the union? Yeah. Okay. There you go. If you're, if you're, if, you know what? Hey, here's solution number one. All the teachers, y'all, y'all pick 10% of your teachers that need to be fired immediately and they will be fired. What do you have Because they're all going to be right.

What do you have to say about this, Robin? You know ten teachers at your school and need to get fired? Well, charter schools don't have union obligations. There's a lot of those. So what you want is actually already happening. Yeah. And I would argue that... Oh, wait, sorry.

I would fucking say that... Okay, so your big thing is that the teachers... Oh, no! Oh, no! Some poor people that only make $30,000 eventually actually have one fucking thing that's backing them up. Oh, no! Fuck that! I hate that somehow teachers got a little bit of power sometimes. Also, we already have this in charter schools in America. They're completely unregulated. And you know who fucking teaches at charter schools? The worst fucking people who just got out of Teach for America. They're 23 years old. They're the worst fucking teachers. The worst teachers are new teachers because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You're really just doing it for two years so you can go apply to medical school because you got a shitty M-Cat score in the first place. And so you need to have something that shows you care about.

people so you're doing some shitty thing you don't care about having benefits because you know you're going to dip and go back to grad school you don't care about teaching people you don't care about teaching especially poor people or people who are like have nothing and so you're just like in this charter school you don't care about your union you're letting you are a shitty shitty shitty teacher and then you quit so you've all we've already seen what happens when we get rid of the unions that's what happens you let a bunch of like shitty teachers who have no rights and then everyone who has rights are these people who are like the administrators in these private school. They're public. They're taking our tax money, but they're basically private.

And they can assign their salaries to any of their administrators. So you hire your fucking cousin. You say, oh, hey, Jerry. You've never worked a day in your life. But I'm going to hire you as this like vice principal. You're talking about, you. You're going to say, charter schools. Charter schools. You're going to say that. Well, that it's what it is. That's how to get rid of teachers unions. The charter schools exist to get rid of teachers unions. Robin, I'm going to have to call you on this one because I'm, I'm very, I was, again, I dated a teacher and I know a lot of people who are at a charter school. And I looked into this and there's good charter schools and bad charter schools.

The one in particular that I have experience with, specifically, specifically targeted people who couldn't get into any other schools, very, very at-risk teens, or excuse me, at-risk children who lived in single household families, single-bedroom families with five or six other children. and some of the criticism Charter schools get is that they can reject students who are not performing or that the teachers don't work as hard or whatever but the teachers at the school

are bust their asses. They work 14 hours a day. But you just said it's that there are good charter schools and there's a lot of really shitty ones because it's up to some random person who says I'm going to open a school today and that person can be completely unqualified and it's up to them whether or not it's good

where at least the public school system even though it has lots of like it has lots of problems at least there's consistency in it and there are checks and balances and there is like a way that things go and you can't just be a crazy person and just decide to start your own school well yeah but this this how would that performance but the performance matters robin because the fuck why the fuck would that why would that be bad because dick you don't understand curriculum and teach better things to kids you don't even better it's just grinding for test prep it says you're going to sit here you're going to learn how to answer abccd on these english and math questions, you're not going to do anything else. That's not at all. A lot of them are. But this charter school in specific, they have entire, they have entire parts of their curriculum

dedicated to critical thinking. They make the kids argue different points of view that they disagree with. This is a really good charter school. Yeah, there are really good charter schools, but there's also a shit ton of really, really bad ones that are just not anything. But shouldn't it come down to performance?

Shouldn't it come down to whether they have results? They use Common Core. But that's, but that's, the thing is that like if you can just, if all you do is grind and learn how to answer multiple choice questions, that's not a real education. No, they don't do that. It's got nothing to do with life either. No, they don't do that. They don't grind just for the, uh, the national test. You're a school that you're talking about. But a lot of them, that's literally all you do. You don't even have anything besides just studying for that. I think the problem with that. Oh, you should have

brought in common core. That would have got you got you got you got you got to come in common core. That would have got you got you got to get you a huge argument. No matter which way you took on it. Too late now. Next time. Next time bringing in time. We'll save a few. I got to scream though. You could to bring it in. You got to screen. There you go. I see you get red in the face. How was it? It was all great. Yeah. Stick around. I'll get red in the face again. Oh. All right, guys, my problem this week was Q-tips. My problem was wasting food. Food waste.

My problem was no one teaches you how to fuck good. Thanks for listening. Big problem. Thanks, Robin. What do you want to promote? Oh, my YouTube page with my Wheel of Fortune video. What's your YouTube page? It's just Robin Higgins. How do you spell Higgins? H-I-G-G-I-N-S. We'll link to it on the website. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're going to link to it on the website. What is your possible other guess? I got it wrong at H. You know what some voicemails? Oh, here. Weird Matthew McConaughey called in with something that's relevant to your problem, Robin. Hey, Maddox. Saw your Periscope.

Quite a nice assistant you got there. Thanks. What she assisted with? Put your dick back in after it slips out. You know what I'm talking about. and you're plowing and you're like and your dick slips out because you're going so crazy at it

you just fucking lose your motor skills and dick skills you know what I'm saying yeah and then you're going to put it back in but then the girl like

reaches underneath the leg and grabs your dick and puts it back in for you and you're like god damn MVP MVP Most valid a penis And then she gets tired of fucking you

And then you're just jazz Oh Is that a move that you think should be taught In the guide? Oh, I don't allow them to put it back in Oh, whoa, Ron I strong Because like they don't

They're gonna jab it in the wrong way There's like a 50% chance You're gonna have some gonna jab on the side of me Oh you like to guide it You were kind of like You're a tractor beam for PING Oh you thought she meant Not back in at all

Yeah, not getting it at all. They got dead. You fall out. It's like, yeah. Come back in here. You're not going anywhere. I'm talking about getting in your head. Oh, my God.

You better fuck me right or I'm going to kill your family. Okay. Get in here. Oh, man. You got to get some more messages out of this show out of these appearances. Oh, you get them. Just check them. You know what?

I feel like I don't want to check them. I bet guys are intimidated to message you because you. because you're so smart and well-spoken. I also wanted to mention, because earlier I had said, if they're only six feet taller, taller, that that's how tall I am. I get really upset at girls that are, like, five, two, and I're like, I only date six-fe-tie-togh. Oh, no, fuck that.

Robin, would you date a guy shorter than you? I've only dated one person taller than me ever. Oh, okay, so... So, no. So you learned your lesson. It's just, like, a goal I have to date tall guys, but I can never make it happen. Yeah. I'm going to put together a list of guys who want to date you

based on this show. Would you be open to a nice, biggest problem, Valentine's Day, treat from some of these gentlemen? There's a lot of good people listening to the show. Artists, video game buying guys. They get good presents. You want to be my cupid?

That's fine. Yeah, I do. How about the dude in Germany? He sent me a box of chocolates and I'm just a dude. Too far away. You don't want anything long distance. One of my exes lives in Germany. See, it could work.

He works for Harry's.