The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 93

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from being black to Radio Shack. With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decided what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. With me is Dick. Hey, what's up, buddy? And Sean, our audio engineer. Hello. Welcome back, guys. Hey, hey.

Radio Shack, big problem. Radio Shack. I think we can all agree with that, right? Oh, my gosh, yeah, nonstop problems. So many receipts come out of that fucking place. They do generate a lot of receipts. How do we do? Huge, huge problem.

Speaking of receipts. Speaking of receipts, Dick. The biggest problem in the universe last week was confirmation bias, followed by internet addiction, and then burning your mouth on hot food. Okay. Surprisingly, receipts. Everything was a problem last week. Yeah, it is.

That's a success. We did it. We didn't fuck up. These are the problems we discussed last week. Everyone agreed that everything was a problem. Confirmation bias was the biggest, followed by internet addiction. Isn't that ironic, though? How is that?

Like that confirmation bias being a problem would be voted all the way up? I mean, aren't you kind of like voting up that it's like isn't that biased in and of itself? That confirmation bias is a problem? Yeah, that's like slackivism being a problem. Only if you're voting it up though. Of course you think it is. Only if you thought that confirmation bias was a problem before you listen to the show. And before we move on, I need to also introduce, we have a guest in studio today.

Denzel, welcome to the show. Ola, Ola. So Denzel, Denzel is a very good friend. friend of mine. Yeah. Let me say that. He's a long-time fan of the show, a friend of the show. I'll say that. He came to the live taping of our show, the YouTube episodes that everyone hated. He was there for that. Did you hate those? No, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Good answer. Yeah, but he's here. He's here right now. We'll see the comments with your shadow accounts to see what comments you leave. But also, Denzel, very talented IT worker, and you work in that industry,

right, in that field. Yes. And there's a very special reason why he's here, can I say? Can we tease that right up front? Before, we'll get to that. You'll get to it. I'm still doing the intro. He also helped a friend of the show Tom Phillips from gameablaterator.biz create his website. Yes.

Yeah, Tom Phillips, who, if the listeners remember, was sent in some game reviews, and we sent him to Germany to E3 over there. Yeah. So yeah, he helped create Tom Phillips website. Thank you with Denzel. It's great website. It looks really awful. Oh, man. That was the point. of it, right?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You nailed it. Oh, thank you. Tom Phillips designed it. So what do you want to say, Dick? You want to tease that he's here for a very important reason. He's here for a very important reason that we'll get to.

We'll get to. I like to tease, man. You know that. All right, you got any comments? I do. I got a comment from Jackson McIver. It's an email he sent me. Jackson McGiver or McIver?

McIver. McIver. He says, you don't pay more. So he's talking about the problem of internet addiction, and why internet addiction is such a big problem. I didn't even. get to this in the episode, but he says, you don't pay more for taking on more internet, like you do when you buy 16 beers instead of three. So that's a good point, because you have

internet as much as you want. It's a one-time fee, and you can use it 24 hours a day if you want. There is no physical aversion to too much internet. You don't get full. You don't get too drunk, and you don't pass out. You don't overdose and die, and you don't go blind from fapping too much. And then also, he said, if you're fapping while on the internet, you're triggering the most powerful instinct in your brain, the instinct of reproduction. So we are linking the internet with our own survival. Yeah. And he says here.

You get carpal tunnel, though. Well, that's, first of all, that's what the internet is for. Yeah. And then also, people do die. You said you had examples last week. Yeah, that's actually true. I know there's like an Asian kid who didn't get up to take a piss for like 48 hours. Yeah, multiple people die.

Yeah, kids die because parents slam them into closets. Your brain thinks it's time for the internet, which means it's time for. for sex, which means it's time for my literal reason for existing. Why aren't you on the internet? Go on the internet. Check the internet. There might be new tits you haven't seen on the internet. It's true. You need new tits. I'm sick of the old tits. Have you tried masturbating without the internet? Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah. It is. It is. I felt naked without the internet. Like when I was masturbating without it. Were you naked? I was naked. Okay. Also, metaphorically you felt naked. I felt metaphorically naked as well, yeah. I find myself, if I don't have access to the internet and I have to masturbate, I have to think about getting on the internet. I fantasize about what I would be looking at on the internet.

I imagine myself hitting Control T to open up a new tab or control shift in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the incognito window? Danzel, you know, Danzel's nodding. How many free previews could I watch at this site? Uh-huh. Oh, dude, that's why you open and close the incognito window, so you can use as many free previews as you want.

Oh, my God! Yeah. You just increased my jerking off powers. You could totally do that. Super clutch. Dick's going to think about you, Denzel, next time he jerks off. I will now. More people should.

All right, here's some comments on burning your mouth. Maddox likes to complain that, you know, burning your mouth is a big problem. There isn't a big problem. But then says the Q-tips, those are huge problems. People are going deaf. Well, I've burnt my mouth on food, and I've never gone death thanks to a cute tip. So, you know, point one dick. Maddox, you're fucking retarded.

She's like, go to school or something. Do what the smart people do. Yeah. Hump in a retard. Sean bringing a fucking problem. Yeah, Sean. I got a lot of emails this week. Yeah.

I got a shitload of email. Did you do this? Do you know why? Yeah, because I put on the intro for the last episode. Will Sean bring in a problem? Will a bunch of people find his email on the Who page and pressure him into it? We'll find out on the next episode. You can tell I never go to the site, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. So that guy's an idiot. I don't know if what we just heard was brilliant satire or just the ramblings of a dullard. And I think it's the latter. Because if it was brilliant satire, he would be using confirmation bias to call in and make the that Q-tips never have made him go deaf, whereas he has definitely burnt the roof of his mouth on hot food. Also, it's an incompetence problem. I saw a comment on SoundCloud. Someone commented,

and they said, hey, Maddox, so burning your mouth on hot food is an incompetence problem, but jamming a Q-tip in years not, how is that not an incompetence problem? You guys are all idiots. You didn't pay attention to the part of my problem where I said it's an addiction. They are saying that it's comparable to smoking a cigarette. And I've been trying, since I brought in that problem, trying not to use Q-tips, and I keep forgetting, it's an impulse at this point. And it didn't used to be so bad, but there's this little tingle in your ear

and you have to it. Itch it every single time you feel it. Really? I've been trying to use them like you do, where I can, like, get off from it. Yeah. I can't figure it out. Like, I still just use it to get the water out of my ear, and then I throw it away. See, there wouldn't be water in your ear if you didn't take the wax out.

The wax prevents water from going in your ear. No, no, like, around like my ear, like the parts of my ear that are like flappy. Like I'm taking my headphones off right now, as you can see. Yeah, yeah. Right there. You don't use a towel? Well, yeah, but you can't get a towel in there? You don't need to.

You just wipe it off with the towel. Look, you and I are going to have the shower together so we can get this all figured out. I don't know what the fuck you're doing in there. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I got to watch and take notes. We're going to do it for the bonus episode. Yeah. Coming up.

All right, I got another voicemail here. Hey, Dustin from Grinchot. I just want to say that Dix rats are amazing. Oh, that's. As a son, I have a child who is hard of hearing. It has to have hearing aids. Coutips. I would love so much for somebody that is proficient in sign language

to do one of Dix Wands in sign language. I would do it myself. It would be pretty funny. But that having been said, I'm not female. So wouldn't you see a female, like, signing really hard? I guess he signed off on the call there. But that's where the call should have ended, right? Yeah. Everybody's calling should be cut in half.

There you go. Wouldn't the sign language for one of Dick's rants just be like a big middle finger, just static? It'd be a lot of waving, a lot of, you know, a lot of this, you know, putting your hand up to the forehead and pushing your hair back and sweat. We need a lot of sweat. What's the sign language for sweat? It's just actual sweat, right? No, that's none of that's how sign language works.

I think it. No, it's not like a pantomime of what I'm doing. No, I saw the guy. It's like words. I saw the guy at Nelson Mandela's funeral in Africa who was signing. He was doing a great job. Yeah. All right.

Nobody remembers that, but I know what you're talking about. That's a great segue to start our problems. Because I, look, I, you know, everyone knows. that all I care about is helping society and addressing big problems. That's why I brought in domestic violence. We fixed that. Oh, sure.

That's why we brought in female genital mutilation. Fix that. True. Actually, Nigeria bandit. Yeah, all here. So, I wanted us to have an episode in this February, Black History Month, right? Everyone knows that.

Everyone knows it's Black History Month. Yeah, but what does that even mean? It's not like Breast Cancer Month where it's just like an excuse to put a black guy on a package and sell it, right? Because that's what breast cancer... Here put a pink ribbon on some orange juice. Here you go, you're thinking of tits now

when you're buying orange juice. They don't do that for Black History Month, do they? I want there to be Black people on more of my products. I want there to be OJ on the OJ. So I can think about Black people on buying the OJ. I want Cosby on my pudding. Yeah. Well, you already have Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima.

Yeah, that's it. Two products. Okay. And those are year-round, Sean. I want specific black history month products. Yeah, I want endorsements. What's the month? I'm so glad he laughed at that.

Okay. So Denzel is a black guy. Yes. Yeah, right out in the open. For everybody to know. Because some people thought Tim Chang's was a black guy. He's not a black guy. You can't tell over radio.

No. He's just a skinny weirdo. And he's not a DJ. Fuck you, Tim Chang. That's a bummer. So, I wanted us to have a problem that dealt with with racial relations in the world and in the U.S., but I wanted it to come from someone who's experienced them

and who's educated about them, right? And it just so happens that Denzel is both an engineer and a black studies major. Correct? Well, ex-Black Studies major. Yeah, so funny story. I was gearing up to go back to school, and then my mom passed away.

So I just said, no, I'm not going to go get this dumb dude. degree anymore. And yeah, I mean... You were done with it. Yeah. I still keep up with all the stuff because it's still an important part of my life. Yeah. Seeing as how I used a lot of my years and time on it outside of, you know, closing the incognito tab and reopening it.

Outside jerking off. Outside jerking off, yes. We all have that in common. Everybody needs a hobby, right? So it's very important to me. What is? So let's hear, so for the first time ever on the show, we're having a guest go first. And we'd like to hear, what is your problem this week?

The biggest problem in the universe. Being black. Being black. Okay. Yeah. As mentioned at the top of the show, it's tough because I don't actually believe that being black is a problem. It's people reacting to me being black. Sure.

That's a problem. And it's tough to say. It's tough to say, like, why these problems exist, but they do. And I don't think there's an easy solution for any of it. Wait, what about this, Denzel? for the semantics of your problem because you went back and forth at the top of the show

before we started recording about the wording of being black because being black implies that being black is the problem as opposed to people's reaction. So what about, what if the problem was black reactions, right? Because it could be, it could work either way. That's way worse.

Black reactions is a way more insulting, like, controversial problem. Only because you're picturing it in the one way you're picturing it. Picture it the wrong way. Yeah, I did. And then you listened to the episode. people are like, oh, this show's really clever.

Okay, well... So for your problem, I've got a special thing here because I would like to try to make it through the whole episode without being called a racist. But I'm going to need your help. I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm going to need your help on that. I've brought in some race cards here.

They work... They're four pieces... There are four pieces of construction paper. Green, yellow, orange, and red. Like the terror alert? You're familiar with the terror. Everyone knows the terror alert. Yeah, of course.

Very helpful. Yeah, very helpful to know whether we're always in the problem. of being attacked by terrorists. Right. I like to go out on days that are orange or yellow, never red. I stay home when it's red. It's a thermometer of how good a job

the NSA is doing, right? Like if it's an orange, presumably the NSA is like, oh, we really fucked a lot of things up this week. Let's try to do better. Or they are doing their job. I think if it's red, they're on high terror alert. We know what the color is.

Yeah, it's very useful. Anyway, we're going to start off on green. I feel like that's a good start. If anything starts getting, if I start approaching being a race, You pull the green and make it yellow. Okay, okay. All right.

I'm going to leave that up to you. I'm very liberal when it comes to this sort of thing. Basically, the only way you're going to get to red is if you say the N-word or something very... The actual N-word or the phrase the N-word? Can I say it? No. Well, you can do it. You can say whatever you want, Denzel.

That's kind of the point, isn't it? It's really the least we can do. You can say it, but just be warned, buddy, because my hands near that red card too. Okay, okay. I'll be pulling a red card. What are you? What are you? You're going to say I'm a racist?

I'll pull that red card. I'll say he's a racist. Okay, so if anyone's a racist, how condescending is that? Don't get offended on behalf of other people? No, I'm not. Oh, geez, yeah. That's a huge problem, Sean. I'm glad you brought that up.

Let's hear your problem. Let's get into the problem, yeah. So initially, when I was doing the research, it was full of a lot of stats. And I ran it by Dick, and Dick said, you know what? You got to make it more relatable. So I brought in a bunch of anecdotes. One of the problems that I have regularly is with racial profiling, right? So racial profiling with the police is probably a good thing for the most part because...

Sorry, say that again? Racial profiling is probably a good thing with the police. Okay. Mainly because, I mean, look, if you're a cop, it's tough because you can't just pull people at random, right? And, I mean, you could, really. But the issue comes with what neighborhoods you're patrolling and who you're looking at for crimes. And yes, the statistics will back up, like, in high crime areas, there are a lot of minorities living in those areas. So if you're stopping a high number of minorities, you're probably in those neighborhoods.

So if you look at stop and frisk, AKA Terry stops, which in New York is when without probable cause, police officers can kind of just stop you and search you. You got to have your ID on you at all times. And if they find drugs on you, then you're arrested. But with the statistics that I found from NYCLU.org, a nonprofit that monitors police activity in New York. Right. So they found that. most of the people that were getting stopped during stop and frisk cases, 81% of them were innocent.

So chances are, and of that, it's 54% of the people stopped were black. It's around 9,000 people. So that's a huge number. And also, Denzel, you said something that we kind of glossed over that they stop and frisk people without probable cause, which is unconstitutional. You're not allowed to do that. You have to have probable cause. violates the Fourth Amendment.

It does. Yeah, you have to have probable cause. You cannot unlawfully search or seize anyone's property in the United States. And the stop and frisk procedure, I think it was Giuliani, the one who enabled it? Yeah, Giuliani made the case that stop and frisk reduces crime and stop and frisk. And there are these videos that are starting to surface on the Internet of some of these kids who have been stopped and frisked. And they told the cops, I haven't done anything wrong. Lay off.

Don't bother me. You're not allowed to seize my property. And the cops, and they're secretly recorded, but these cops start cussing out these kids and threatening these kids in a way that is right of mobsters. Like mafia people aren't this ruthless and brutal with their threats. You know, these are really nasty guys. Like the threats that they're issuing here.

Not all the cops, obviously, but like, hashtag not all cops. Enough of them. Well, any is too much. Because these are the people that we have entrusted. These are the people that we have put in power with authority that not regular citizens have. And for them to abuse that authority is an egregious, egregious travesty. Because when your caretakers violate your trust, who do you turn to? What authority is there beyond the authority?

None. And the problem, one of the biggest issues that I have is, that you're not allowed to, like, fight against cops. You're not allowed to, if somebody's, if a cop says something patently false to you, you're supposed to just stand there and agree. Otherwise, I don't believe personally that you really have a choice when you're dealing with cops. So if a cop pulls me over and says, can I search your car? He's saying, I'm searching your car.

Right. And I can say, no, you're not, but then he can detain me until he can. Wait, so you think you have to. to tacitly agree to police searches? Is that a race thing? It might be. The cop is going to find a way to get in there. If he wants in the car, he could name a number

of things that say, oh yeah, now I have probable cause, right? Exactly. Even so much as rolling down your window because the cop can simply say, I smelled marijuana. Whether or not the cop actually smelled marijuana, if it came down to it in court, the cop is never going to get in trouble for

lying about that, because there's no way to test his olfactory nerves to see if he actually smelled marijuana or if there was marijuana in the car, regardless of whether or not he found it after the fact. Because if he searches your car, because he thought he smelled marijuana and he was wrong because there was no marijuana in the car, well, you know what, the cops is up.

My mistake, I guess it wasn't marijuana I was smelling. He can lie and give any excuse to search your car. Exactly. Yeah, I guess I'm more of a prick to cops. See, you can get away with that. Well, that's what I'm leading into. Like, how much of a prick can you be to cops? I haven't tested it.

never going to because you know cops are people too right and i don't i don't necessarily going around messing with people that i know i can't take in a fight because they they have guns so let's say i start popping off all wild to a cop and he he's like i've had enough of this he pulls out his taser his pepper sprays done or anything i could end up in a really bad spot sure and it's easier to just go with the flow well you also said that you i mean i don't want to put words in your mouth but you said you agreed with racial profiling a little bit at the beginning. I mean, yeah, because there's no easy solution, right? There's, you, I want to say like, yo, spread it out all equally.

But if there's a high crime rate in an area, it's your duty as a police. And by being tax funded, you have to go out and see what's going on in that area. I got some stats for you. Just to agree with what you're saying. Called concentrated poverty. I was looking at poverty rates like black people versus everyone else. and this idea of concentrated poverty wherein it's not like you think if you imagine a poor area and you think everybody's in their poor but that's not the case

turns out that an area that's predominantly poor is by an overwhelming majority black where poor white people will be spread out all over the city right yeah so i think that's an agreement with what you're saying about why if you're policing one small area like you yeah i mean do maybe you have some some stats on this, too, Denzel, but I think part of it has to do with a history in our country where we have in the past segregated black communities into red zones. And this is very apparent in Omaha, actually. I don't know if you guys have ever been to Omaha in Nebraska, but you can see this clear demarcation in the city where there's the black neighborhoods and the white

neighborhoods. And the black neighborhoods, they just look different. You can see, you can see the line. The house is more dense. They got Muppets all over them. Yeah, I know. I've seen that those areas. The trees, yeah. Everyone's learning at a spell. Isn't that where the phrase like the other side of the tracks comes from? Oh, I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, I've heard that. What do you know about that, Denzel? Because I'm sure you've done some research and you're like So there are a lot of causes. And honestly, I can only speculate. because there's not necessarily a way to pin down the root cause of it. But if you look at it, like racist rental and leasing agreements or biases in who people who are renting out apartments and leasing apartments will rent to.

So let's say like me, for instance, granted, like the stereotype says, I have terrible credit, but for various reasons. So if I try to go rent out of place, credit notwithstanding, they can say no for whatever reason. They can say your credit's not high enough. And I think, what, 750 is a good score? Yes, great score. 700's all right, right? Yeah, yeah. Even 600, you're doing okay.

Oh, all right. So I do have... 750? You got 750 credit score? That's great. I have like 680. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, you're fine.

So I've been denied based on my credit score. So I like a 680 you guys telling me that 680 is good is great news for me Yeah but there if you say no and you say you cite my credit score but my credit score is actually like decent It's it's plausible to say that you're denying me for another reason and where is this at I live down in San Diego what do you think they're denying you for? What reason? You know It could be a number of reasons it could be that I'm black it could be that I'm young Like if I'm if they feel like like if the combination of me being black and young in that apartment leads to them believing

that I'm going to while out and throw vicious parties every weekend and like be playing loud music all the time then they they could say like we don't want to rent to you yeah maybe maybe the landlord was a really hot babe in her 20s and she was just too tempted by you oh right she doesn't want you as a tenant because she'd be too tempted passing by your room every day because he's black no because he's Denzel oh okay I'll take some guy I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll either. Hey, wait, that's a good, that's a good question because that was one of the funniest things I thought on your list was online dating. Yeah. Yeah. If you, so if you go online, there are a few sets of statistics that have come out from OKCupid and there's another site that covers, it's like Colonel Mag. Never heard of it? No, it doesn't matter. All right. So basically, what they've come out to say is that on websites, interracial dating is, is becoming something that's not so common.

And they released that stats in 2009. And I think they updated the stats in 2014 that say, like, basically, if you're, if you're white, you got it. Like, it's popping for you. Right. You got, you can get as many dates. Like, people are more, more likely to respond to you if you're white. But if you're black or, I believe Indian was the other race, like, you're not really seeing much return in anything.

That sucks. Well, here's the thing. We know that if you were born a white male in the United States, you have hit the world lottery. Says Sean. Yeah, says Sean. Well, I mean, here's the thing. No, you have.

You have every advantage that society can possibly give. Yeah, kind of. But also, like, tell that to a homeless white person, a homeless white male. You know, there's, there are, there are, you know, if you just wanted to say in general. Don't you think he has more opportunity than a homeless black male? Well, possibly, yeah. Denzel, what do you think? I think the white guys got it.

Yeah. Yeah. If you're homeless and black, you're probably not getting as much love as your white counterpart. No, that's true. It's probably, you do have a lot of, a lot of disadvantages. But I remember another one, my black friends a long time ago said, if he had an opportunity to be reborn, he said he would choose to be a white male. Because he would be. What if it was Hitler?

He said, especially Hitler. Hitler had it going for a few years He was a terrible person But he had he had he could have he could have eaten anything he wanted He got a lot of bad things I don't know if we say he made a lot of he made a lot of bad art Guys can we all agree his art is not that great What else what's the crux of your like I get that the I mean we've we've got

Of a racial profile and you have our credit scores but what really what do you think is the crux of your of your problem So when looking at this problem I feel like for the most part it's what I have to deal with personally. That really gets me. Which is what? So it's a lot of just, I don't want to say microaggressions because that's kind of a loaded term and pretty bullshit. Well, don't say that. And it's...

You're a real white knight, Denzel. Yeah, I'm out here white knighting for the black folks. Yeah. Everywhere. You're the whitest night there is. Isn't that like a position in the KKK? Yeah. That's a card.

That's a card. You're going to get orange. Seriously. Orange card. Orange card. Orange card. I wanted to get it for like the Aunt Jemima thing. No.

Okay, red. I'm calling the red card shot. You get that for Aunt Jemima. There. I'm totally taking Dick's bit. It's, yeah, you are. You're taking Dick's tip.

I said bit, you asshole. So what are the microaggressions that you're so obsessed with? So. So here are a few anecdotes from my life that I've had to deal with. Okay. So when I was living up here in L.A., we went to this bar, and outside of the bar, there was this family, like there was a grandmother, I think, and a child. And they speak Cantonese, and my buddy speaks Cantonese. So the kid asks his mom, mommy, is that man made of chocolate in Cantonese?

And it was really adorable. And my friend tells me. and the mother And you said come over here and taste and find out. And then the cops showed up and started being dicks and raises for no wristing you. And the mother's response to the child was like, no, honey, that's a nigger. Oh.

And I was like, this was this exchange happened. Denzel, that's very, it's very appropriate. Yeah, yep. And like I regularly, I, for the most part, I do my shopping exclusive. exclusively online because I legitimately, when I go into a place, I am followed around the store. Yeah. It's ridiculous. I was just talking to a black friend of mine the other day who said that she was walking around

in a store and they follow you around and it's different because you can sit there and you can observe them. And this isn't confirmation by us either. Just go do it. Like look inside. Go to Abercombe and Fitch, like walk into the store and watch how these store clerks react to different customers. Yeah.

I went to... Where were you at? So first place was I was in. in an REI. And the second place was the Apple store. And they follow you around? And an Apple store? Oh, of course.

Fucking Apple. Oh, my God. Those fascists. REI, you think you're going to sneak out with like a tent under your shirt or something? That's exactly like, oh, I'm going to break into the jewel case and steal a knife and start stabbing up employees. Yeah. Like it's crazy because when I was in the Apple store, I was wearing a hoodie, standard hoodie.

It's got the kangaroo pouch in the front. And I could see this guy who's standing maybe like 10 or so feet away from me. He's like trying to get a look inside of it. And I'm like, after a certain point, like, when I notice somebody's doing something, like I don't necessarily call them out, but he was looking inside. So I just take all the shit out of my pockets and I show them. It's like my cell phone, my keys. And that sucks.

And I've never been followed around like that, but I know I'm 100% sure. If I'm going to get treated like a criminal, I will behave like a criminal. Oh, dude. Like it takes me, it takes every ounce of my willpower to not. behave poorly all the time. If someone like that would nudge me a little bit over, it would be fucking bedlam. I was like, oh yeah. No, you know what? I'm walking out with this monitor. Go ahead. What's the protocol for that? You figure it out, tough guy, because your job is not loss prevention. It's serving customers. This isn't your stuff. Like, you're not protecting your

stuff. This weird part in your brain thinks that you should be protecting this shit, but that's not your job. So let's see. So I have a note from Randy the racist. And he's saying, isn't that racial profiling that you didn't think was bad? Well, I was going to ask you, too. Like, do you think that's ingrained racism or do you think they've had experience with like black crime? Like predominant, like a problem about black crime? It's funny because the Apple store that I was at in particular, and that's a good question.

But the Apple store in particular, it's in a very, very white neighborhood, very white neighborhood. And like, it's near UCSD. And so I think it's more so ingrained racism because not a whole, like I've, I lived down the street from that mall for like eight or so years. And I used to go to that mall every day. And it's rare to see like more than like 10 or 15 black people in an eight hour time span at that. mall. And like, I would just buy Apple products online. Like, I don't know who's physically going into Apple stores

other than me on that day. Like, but it's weird. Or maybe don't deal with that horseshit and stop buying Apple products. How about that? I mean, I would, if that were the case, then I would have to stop buying a lot of products. Well, here's the thing. For all joking aside, seriously,

everyone should stop buying Apple products. For real. No, no. Where's the strike? Hear me out. Because they block my website in their stores. They censor me. Fuck Apple and fuck you for supporting Apple. That goes for everyone who has Apple products. Everyone listening right now in this room

and everyone who's listening at home, fuck you. Because if Apple had their way, you wouldn't hear this podcast. You wouldn't see my website and they completely whitewash it. Fuck that company. Fuck Apple.

That's a weird personal issue. You know, you're a building. You're a building. You're a common thing. You know what? And Denzel, your ability to even say that sentence would be gone if Apple had their way. Fair enough. I mean, it's not that the internet exists and you have plenty of platforms to publish things on and need to be in Apple stores. No, you don't need Apple shit. Apple's garbage. Anyway. So moving on, Denzel, have you, so a lot of times people, racist people, Donald Trump tweeted a tweet a while back where it was... Do you think Donald Trump's racist? Let me ask you then.

I'm speaking on behalf of all black people. Do you think Donald Trump's racist? So as the authority on myself, yes. Yeah, the ambassador of black people. Honestly, no. I think he's just doing it to get a rise out of people. Yeah. There are a lot of people.

Getting a rise out of suckers. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Donald Trump, I don't know. I don't know. We don't have enough evidence to conclude that Donald Trump is racist. However, he does retweet a lot of racist people. People who are actually members of the KKK, people who have affiliations to

neo-Nazis and the American white supremacist party and all these other different... So guilty by association. No, I don't think he is guilty by association. I'm just saying one of the things he retweeted a while back was this statistic, which says, you know, the number of black criminals is higher than the number of white criminals and the number of, you know, Mexican criminals, et cetera, et cetera. You look into those statistics, it's very easy to refute because it's not true. the majority of crime that occurs to white people is done by white people because they are the majority of the population.

However, there is a disproportionate amount of black people who are in prison and who are incarcerated. Just by being pulled over, you are way more likely to be incarcerated as a black person than a white person because you have a much higher likelihood of being pulled over in the first place, and the punishments are much higher against black people once they are incarcerated. And some of that may have to do with so much that goes into this is ingrained. Yeah, I know, I know. And then you pushed it. Well, here's, I took a class, I took a class in college called Education and Society.

And in this class, we talked about a very interesting phenomenon, which is they studied black students who went to different types of schools, private schools, public schools, schools in inner city areas that were impoverished. schools that were in affluent areas. And they expected that the black students who went to the affluent areas with good parents who tried to take an interest in their lives and tried to educate them, they found that sometimes those students still struggled. And there's a professor, I think he's a professor or a sociologist. His name is John Ogbu. Are you familiar with his work?

John Ogbu, I highly recommend everyone read this guy's work. It's pretty telling. It's pretty informative. What he found is, when they interviewed. these black students who were not doing well on tests, they asked them why, and they said because they didn't want to. And they viewed the test as, they associated that test with assimilation, cultural assimilation. And the more likely the kids were to answer this way depended on how non-traditional their names were. So if their names were something like Obama or...

Denzel. Yeah, possibly Denzel. They were more likely to do poorly on tests because they viewed that as cultural assimilation. And so they rejected it as part of their heritage that they felt that they were plucked at some point they were plucked from Africa, brought here as slaves, and as that they were trying to become white, and they viewed that the test itself was one instrument with which white people tried to assimilate them. What do you think about that? Yeah, what do you think about that? That's definitely true, right? To some degree, to some degree? That's a reach. Yeah, interesting. Why?

I feel like that... I'll tell you this. I know some white people who say the same thing. It's... That they don't want to succeed also because it's rejecting their poor heritage. It's like, I don't know. That could be the case, yeah. It just comes off as an excuse to me. So in school, I did pretty moderately, mainly because I wasn't...

Like, I didn't want to be there until I switched to a charter school and that actually my grades shot up because charter schools yeah they're awesome yeah some of them are awesome like screw you robin work on work at your own pace and kind of dictate how when the work gets done and how fast and a lot of it was just like you know I can do the work faster I don't need to sit here and wait for you to get there yeah and but what do you think of that rejecting the culture thing the rejecting that just I mean that sounds very Hotepean to me like That's something. Like Bubba Imhotep?

No, no. It's a sect of people who are just like very focused around the roots of black people in Africa. And it reaches like levels of like five percenterism. Okay. What does that mean? It's an ideology where it's basically like every person is a god. Yeah. And so they talk to each other in a specific manner.

and it's like a crazy ideology. It's not quite a religion, but it's very popular among black people. Oh, interesting. Where it was in the mid-90s. If you listen to a lot of, like, mid-90s rap music, you'll hear people refer to each other. Like, what's up, God?

Oh, I see. Interesting. So let me throw those, because I did bring in those homicide numbers from the FBI. White on White homicides, 2,500. Black-on-Black, 2,200. Well, yeah, because... Yeah, definitely. What's going on there? So...

Yeah, go ahead, Denzel. So when you grow up in an impoverished area, you don't know what you don't know, like, about the outside, right? So you'll get stuck in like a cyclical ideology when you're living in, like, kind of a beat-down area where you sell drugs to earn money because corporations have pulled out of the area that you live. live in because it's so run down and like poorly kept and the schools are closing down so you have nothing to do all day right so if you live in an impoverished area you got to get paid somehow right so you sell drugs and when you sell drugs and when there's a lot of money involved the likelihood of getting shot or being hurt goes way up there's a there's a reason why at least when I was a kid my mom used to tell me all the time, like, if you get involved in this kind of stuff, you'll either end up

dead or in jail. And there's a reason why there are young OGs on the streets, right? I'm not, I'm not saying that I'm from the hood or anything like that and that I've got experience with gangs and drug dealing. But the reason why there's young OGs is because the older people are either dead or in jail. That's not something that's made up. Right? So you go out and you sell these drugs, you get this money, you get killed. There's also that staggering statistic that said it was a really high percentage of black males who are of the fathering age who are just in jail right now, some ridiculously high amount, I heard, right? Do you have that? Do either of you have that statistic? No, I thought it was

like 40% of the jail population is black. I don't know, you mean a percentage of the population that's in jail? Specifically father-aged black, black, black, I read some statistic a while back that talked about how a lot of kids might be raised without a father figure because a lot of were just jailed. Okay. So this is another single parent family. Because I think if you don't have a dad, you're fucked. Like I see, any time I see like rampant crime or anything like that, it's like, well, yeah, your dad's not around? You're totally fucked.

Sucks not to have a mom. Absolutely would be horrible, right? But you don't have a dad? Oh my God. Especially as a boy. Especially as a boy. Like, well, you got no, you got no God. You have no threat of punishment or is this, is what I'm saying, crazy?

I don't, I don't know that it applies. I know a lot of guys, I know a lot of friends who are single, they have single parents, both male and female, just a mother or a father independently. They're, they seem to be fine. They have different challenges. Well, here's the status. Confirmation bias. I mean. Yeah.

That's true. Indian single parent families. Indian 52% Asian, 16%, black, 67%. White 25%. So we're talking about three times the amount of kids without a dad around. What the hell? How do you stop that? Right?

How do you knock those numbers down? I think that's a big problem. That is, I mean, I too grew up without a dad in the house. Oh shit, man. But he lived really close anyway. So it's not like I never saw him. It was a separation situation. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, there's also those statistics, too, where your parents are separated and you get joint custody and... So I also have a friend who he's a young Jewish fellow who grew up without a dad. And he turned out completely fine. I feel like it's got it's got a lot to do with the environment that you're in. Sure. And it's, if you grow up in a poor environment, like, there's a good chance you're just going to, your life is going to be terrible. Because...

Yeah. Go ahead. So some of these statistics, like people try to tout like, oh, well, there are more black people in jail, therefore they're creating crime. And they tried to pin it to the skin color, which, if you think about what that actually means, think about what they're actually saying, is that the amount of melanin in your skin directly correlates to how likely you are to commit a crime. No other fact.

And then some of these people... Yeah, but I don't think they're saying only that. Well, yeah, well, I'm getting to that. What else they're saying is they tried to make a scientific case for why they think that black people are more likely to commit crime. Yeah. And they resort to phrenology. There's a lot. There's much more sophisticated reasons than phrenology.

You remember what I said about how concentrated poverty is predominantly a black problem? Yeah. Like overwhelmingly. Have you ever heard of lead poisoning? Yeah. You have? Yeah. What is it then?

Lead poisoning causes cognitive disorders and cognitive disabilities. Major ones. Yeah, if you get lead in the water, like right now in Flint, Michigan, there has been lead poisoning in the water supply, which if kids drink, it causes severe cognitive impairment

that it's irreversible. Yeah, and aggression problems. Like, it turns you into a criminal, lead poisoning. Yeah. So you've got cities that are crammed with poor black people, poor black kids growing up

in an environment over the last 30 years where we're pumping lead into the air out of our cars. Right? Before unleaded gasoline? Sure. This is a real thing. So saying that it's just their skin color is a little cherry picking because this is a... This is real.

This is real that all these black people are crammed together in these cities and then we're pumping brain-killing poison into it. Well, yeah, Dick, the point was, though, frenology is, for analogy, I think is how it's pronounced, is a discredited pseudoscientific theory that someone came up with in the 1800s where they studied the skulls of black people versus white people. And they said, aha, there's some differences, which is just insane because, first of all, the differences are not consistent. They're not measured.

They cherry-pick different types of skulls. And they found no difference in the skull shape and how likely you are to commit a crime. It's a long discredited theory, but these are the theories, like what you said right now. I've never heard phrenology. Yeah, that's because it's a discredited pseudoscience. No, no, I mean, I know what phrenology is, but I haven't heard of it since, like, the 1800s. Oh, my gosh, look at my Twitter feed. I'm talking to all these racist dipshits all the time.

All they're saying is phrenology, this, and fornology, I'm like, dude, and I look at their profiles, and they all, they all have ties to white supremacist groups. I don't know, you got to stop listening to white supremacist groups. I don't. I'm talking about NPR. That's what they're saying. Well, NPR, so what's interesting is, who's the guy who had that racist outburst, the, the, he used to own the clippers. Sterling, Donald Sterling.

Donald Sterling was, like, everybody had a big, a big shit fit. Did you think that was racist? Yes. You did? Yeah, okay. He didn't want his girlfriend to be seen with black people. Yeah, that's, that's, okay, yellow card dick. With all that Johnson.

No, you don't get to give those out. Well, Danzel, hand this to dick. Well, your girlfriend's seeing like younger guys. What are you going to say? He specifically said blacks. I feel like if you're Donald Sterling, you should have that expectation already for your relationship. You're not paying for exclusivity. You're paying for discretion at a certain point.

So she should be able to see whoever she wants. Saying that you don't want my magic Johnson at your games is magic John. I'm sure he's a nice guy. He smiles a lot. He's fun. And you're discriminating against a man with AIDS, HIV. That's doubly racist. You're racist and you discriminate against people.

Yeah, race against AIDS. But here's the thing, guys. What's being lost in the woods here, or lost in the weeds, is Donald Sterling, what he said is chicken shit. It's the tip of the iceberg. Donald Sterling's real crime is that he's a slum lord. Donald Sterling's real crime is that he helped create these conditions for these poor inner city black kids because he specifically discriminated against black people in his housing projects. Well, and other minorities too. And he knew that they would not have the resources to fight them on it.

Absolutely. If they're Hispanic, they may be illegal. Right. If they're black, they're probably not going to have the funds to hire a lawyer and fight them on this kind of stuff. So he was just, you know, he maximized his profit by doing super unscrupulous things. And especially if you're black and you might have any kind of warrants out for you, for any reason, not even not showing up for a jury duty or, you know, having a parking fine you haven't paid, if you're, if you have that, right, because you happen to be poor and you can't afford to pay these, these, these, these, outrageous parking fees, then you're not going to be going to the police for their help in just, in, in, in housing discrimination issues. You're not going to be going to be going to any authority.

You're going to take it, take care of it yourself. And also there's a sense of pride at some point where if you have a problem at some point, you have to take care of it yourself as opposed to just always going to the police or always going to some authority who may or may not do anything and more likely than not they're not going to do anything Donald Sterling's a very powerful rich man this shit that he said about black people who gives a shit that's that's nothing compared to the slum lord and he he he actually settled a huge lawsuit back in the 90s i believe right about this this very issue that's being swept under the rug because of what he said like let's let's not let's not lose sight of the forest for the trees here yeah i mean donald the funniest part is

at least to me, is the justice system isn't necessarily built to distribute justice. Because, like, if you have enough money, you can hire enough lawyers to basically bankrupt anybody who's suing you. Affluence. I voted up, people. Yeah. I mean, look. Well, except the government. Yeah, with the exception of the government. But then you have to, you have to rely on the government to be competent enough to do their jobs. and that's tough. Fascinating problem. I also have a little bit of statistics to add to this. Did you know that it costs more to adopt a white baby than it does a black baby?

Yeah. That's gross. Yeah. People looked into it and people are trying to find any kind of non-racial explanation for this. No. And the... Well, who's adopting the babies? Yeah.

Is it mean... It's, you know, it is mostly white people, but... Of course they would want. But there are so many... There are a lot of instances. of black people adopting white kids. And that is such a fascinating phenomenon to me. I would love to interview.

I'm actually doing research right now to get in contact with some of these kids who were raised by black parents, but they're white. And the looks they get when they're out in public, even there was one anecdote I read where someone even said that they were approached by another couple in public

and asked if they needed help if they were being kidnapped, if everything was okay. I read that. Yeah. The guy was like, yeah, they're my parents. Everything's fine. they're my parents like well how how it's like how about mind you on fucking business everything's

okay that's that would be weird to see i mean it's unusual yeah you'd want to ask hey you're not a cop yeah you don't want to have i'm curious and dick more card more car why that's not racist that's racist why is that racist you want to ask the the the whole thing at least for me is like when i'm in public i want to be left alone like right for the most part and i understand there's a social contract that you sign invisibly when you when you leave the house like somebody can talk to you people can do whatever they want but ultimately i don't want to be followed to my car anymore i don't want to be followed to my apartment anymore i don't want to be followed around stores anymore i don't want to have things thrown at me while you shout uh the n-word uh when is that when does that happen how often does that

happen so it doesn't happen to me much anymore or it hasn't happened in a while i had an old lady spit at me and called me a nigga recently. Recently. Yeah. It was last summer? Ha. No. It was a lady walking through my old neighborhood.

I went to go visit a friend and she like did like one of and. We've all seen blazing saddles. Yeah. Oh my gosh. How do you how are you not punchifying everyone all the time? Because you. So you can't, you can't react to that. Because like the first time you react to something like that, it's like,

oh, he's the angry black guy. He's a savage. We've all heard so much about. When Branch Ricky used to own the Dodgers, and in the modern era, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in 1947. And Branch Ricky said, you know, he had been wanting to bring a black player

into the majors for a long time. And there were some great players. And Jackie Robinson was a great player, first ballot Hall of Famer. But he had to find the person he knew could take it and be better than any of his white teammates for exactly what you said. So it's like, oh, there's the angry black guy.

See, I was right the whole time. So he had to stand there, get spit on, get called the N-word, have things thrown at him, get death threats, all that kind of stuff. And he had to be better than that. Yeah. I have a quick question, Denzel. Before we wrap this up, this has been a fascinating problem. Thank you for ringing in.

Do you think that we live in a little bit more of a post-racial society with a black president? Because of the black president? No. Okay. Do you feel that anything has improved? Oh, yeah. Things are constantly improving. Okay.

I mean, by virtue of me being able to sit in the room with two. We have what? One, I'm Armenian. Armenian, half Mexican, two white guys, white woman. Like, I just by virtue of being able to be in the same room and we're not like constantly shouting racial slurs back and forth. Yeah. It's a lot of funnier, though. It's a new policy.

We were doing that. Yeah. This has been a real. Sam devil. He just called Randy a white guy. No, he's pointing behind him. Yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa.

We got a full studio. Yeah, we got a full studio. I mean, things are constantly getting better, but it's... What's the solution? What's the quick fix? I don't want the... There's no quick fix. There's got to be a quick fix.

There's a quick fix to every problem. Dick, I got it. Kill all white people. I got... I got the solution. No more racism. Huh? How about that?

Bam. That's never going to happen, though. No, it's tough. Because everybody's going to happen. some sort of prejudice down the line. Like if you have one bad interaction with a black person, that could color your outlook on all black people for the rest of your life. Sure.

And so it, all it takes is like. That's confirmation bias, though. That is literally confirmation bias. Yeah, yeah. You had that one experience with, so, and I see it go both ways too. I read this account, this anecdote of a friend of mine who posted on Facebook that he was in San Francisco and he was walking down the street. It was actually a friend of a friend.

walking down the street, and he saw these teenagers walking towards him, and some of them were black, some of them were Hispanic, and he thought, you know what, I'm not going to cross the street. I'm not going to, I'm not going to walk on the other side of the street in spite of how menacing they looked. And these kids jumped him and stole his cell phone. Jesus. And this guy's, this guy's worldview was profoundly changed after the incident because he had to have facial reconstructive surgery.

He got beat so badly. He had scar. he had stitches. He was really messed up. And it was a really sad thing for me to read and witness because this was a guy who said, I am definitely profiling from now on. He says, I don't care about, he said, I was very liberal and progressive, I thought. And I thought that profiling is not fair and it's not right.

And he changed his mind after that day. And I don't know how I feel about it. Because, isn't he an idiot for like trying to convince himself that his gut, is wrong. Like, just because you feel menaced in a situation doesn't mean it's because you're a racist. Like, there's a big difference between, oh, I get a bad feeling

about this. I'm going to cross the street and get away from these gentlemen versus I'm going to follow this guy around the Apple store because he's black. Yeah, that's a good point. It's a big difference. I feel like you're shaking your head? I, okay, so one, you said they were teenagers, right? Yeah. Never trust teenagers.

Never trust teenage. They're full of hormones. They could break at any moment. They're idiots. You just walk across the street if you see a pack of teenagers. You don't want those problems. Yeah, their brains aren't fully cooked yet. Exactly.

Exactly. Don't, don't ask with them. Don't date them. Don't listen to them. Bad news, yeah. Yeah. So also, to a certain degree, you're responsible for your own safety, right?

To a degree, yeah. If you're walking down the street and your gut, like Dick was saying and saying, like, maybe you should get out of here, you should do that. Yeah. What same reason why women will switch the arms that their purses on when they see me walking by? Like, I can't be mad at that. They're looking out for themselves. That happens to you.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. That wouldn't happen to me. No, I get a smile, big old smile from every day. I'm serious. Yeah.

Yeah. I get a little dance too. Denzel. Do you ever walk by somebody's car and have them lock the doors? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, like, it happens.

had them hit a button and like Batman armor goes around their car. That'd be nice. I want that car. It's Black Man Armour. See, he deals with those little things that I don't think about. Yeah, I mean too. That's why I wanted him to talk about this problem because I got all these dumb stats, but they don't matter. There's a lot

in my day to day that I have to put up with but it's just like, I mean ultimately there's nothing I can do about it. Right? Like I could go talk to the person and we could try to work out like why they're feeling this way and like you know try to have a kumbaya moment and say we should come together and not be mad but ultimately like that's not my job could i i would like to add something here um the i always thought of myself as as being uh well obviously a long list obviously not yeah let's go

let's hear it i don't have time for all the positive adjectives here it's only an hour and a half show but um i always thought of myself as not as someone who wasn't racist and had no prejudices, et cetera, et cetera. Here's what I recommend for people, because I noticed something strange about myself the first time I went to New Orleans. New Orleans, I went to the French Quarter, and there were some areas I went to that were predominantly black. I walked into some strip clubs and restaurants where almost everyone in the entire place

was black. And I felt something strange that I had never felt before. It was a sense of being surrounded. And I don't know what that is or where it came from. I know. Let me give you an orange card. I'm taking this orange card. I know how it sounds and I know how it feels.

But that's when I had this moment of realization that, oh my God, this is what black people must be like all the time. If they walk, at least at some point before they're, they're, no, okay. Well, I mean, so, weird. So, maybe when I was a kid, it would be like, I'd, I never grew up around strictly black people. It was always a diverse group. Like me and my friends looked like a Benetton ad.

It was just very diverse. What product is that? Is that like a black hair? It's old clothes, old clothes. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, Denzel, thank you. That was a fascinating problem.

Thank you for bringing that in. And for Black History Month, guys. Yeah, yeah. And I just want to note to anybody listening, this is not me saying like, yo, like, feel bad for black people. It's terrible out there. It's more so me saying, like, this is what I'm making you aware. Here's what we're dealing with. Some of us.

Here's what some of us are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Yes. Just be understanding. And I think that goes a long way, Denzel, towards maybe helping solve this problem. Because things are improving. Things are getting better. Yeah. Hey, I know how to solve another problem.

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Fuck the leading brand. It's harries.com. Unless Harry's becomes the leading brand, in which case, harris.com slash the second guy then. Guys, I got a real problem. Thanks, Danelle, but I got the real biggest problem in the universe. Wallets! Oh, okay. Yeah, wallet.

I agree with you right away. Oh, yeah? Okay, good. Wallets are bullshit, guys. Wallets, did you guys know that the word wallet comes from the 14th century Latin word for slow-thinking, underachieving dullard, who's a slave to convention? Yeah, that's true. What do you mean? What do you mean by true?

Like 100% true. Okay. Just look it up in the dictionary. It's a slow-thinker. I'll just believe you. A slope-headed moron. Yeah, thank you. Slope-headed.

Yeah. Slopey, Slopey foreheaded, morons. Oh, yeah. Wait, that's all that raises? Yeah, it is. What? I mean, like, I think that's, like, an old racial slower.

It's a fucking racial slur. Oh, you are so funny. No, is it? Let's take a verdict. Everyone, by show of hands, who thinks that has any racial connotations? Yeah. Yeah, fuck you guys. Of course it does.

That's bullshit. Of course it does. Because it refers to like cavemen. Slope-headed foreheads. Oh, so you're saying that saying originated with cavemen? Yeah. Like a bunch of Neanderthals and Crow Magnens were sitting around and they said, these slope-headed Neanderthals, they're always fucking things up.

We say that about people like you're like cave-like. You're like a Neanderthal, right? We're always giving people more credits than they deserve. Slope refers to Asians. Not slope-headed. Nope, John. No, not slope-headed. But still.

What is slope-headed? Let's hear the wallet. Let's hear the wall-headed. Let's hear the wall-headed. A wallet problem. Does anyone have that? No one has that. You guys are all chicken shit.

I haven't heard slope-headed. Yeah. Which I don't think, I mean, if you just... That's because you don't talk to your racist Twitter followers all the time. Yeah. Anyway, guys, a wallet is basically a purse for men. Go on. Okay.

Okay. You may think it's manlier because it's in your back pocket, but that's not manly. It's a purse. It's a purse. It's a purse. You're carrying around a purse. Everyone's carrying around a purse. And everyone has too many cards.

What makes it a purse? that it carries your shit with you, and you're putting it in your back pocket. Women can have small purses. I've seen them snatch off. I've seen a purse so small you can barely even see it. So it's the government of purses. So anyway, yeah, it's just a purse.

And everyone has too many cards. Everyone, I want you to take out your wallets right now. All the, all the, Sean, Denzel. Everyone, Dick. Randy. Candy, Randy, Bobandy. Take out your purse. Where's my wallet?

Denzel. Give fucking Sean a red card over there. Yeah, give more red cards. Red cards. All the red cards. Oh my goodness. Claster Sean's apartment with red wallpaper. Holy shit, Sean, you feel like you're surrounded here?

It just takes one. You know, what I meant to say about being surrounded, I wanted to say to anyone white, just go try. See how it makes you feel. Just see you. If you feel so much around. If seeing one makes them frightened, I would hate to see what them in a crowd of black people. It was the first time that ever happened to me, Denzel. And so just personally, I felt out of place.

And I felt like maybe I shouldn't be here. But it wasn't the case at all. Everyone in New Orleans, super hospitable, super friendly, the nicest people I've ever met. And I say that sincerely. And I've traveled a lot in the world. They're the nicest people I've ever met. New Orleans. So fancy.

Let me just break in. Slow Pead is a racial slur for Chinese. Oh, okay. I bet not a single one of you motherfuckers were thinking that, were you? Sean, that's the first thing he said. Well, that's not what I meant. Clearly. A slow Phead is a Chinese since when?

Since the 1800s probably. Randy, is that Urban Dictionary? Fuck you, Randy. I trust the racial slur database. It says... Enormant racist. It says Chinamen. But I said Chinese to make it legitimate.

Oh, it says Chinaman? Yeah. Okay, well, no, that makes it less racist, I think. Because two racist words cancel each other out. Ah. Yeah. Well, next week we'll be bringing in being Chinese. I know a couple Chinamen.

So anyway... So anyway, guys, wallets. Wallets are purses for men. They're purses for everyone. They're stupid. Here's the thing, guys. Everyone has too many cards in their wallets. Why the fuck are we carrying around so many cards?

How many cards do you have in your wallet, Dick? Sean, I want you guys to count right now. How many cards you have and how many of them do you actually use? I'm going to guess each of you have like eight or nine cards. One, two, three, four. I have four as well. Did you count? Every card, like insurance cards too?

Business cards count too. Insurance counts card. Who do you think has the most cards in here? I think, I think you do, Dick. I think you have the most cards. Unless Randy's pulling his wallet out. No? Okay.

What do you got here? I have a total of five cards. Danzile has five cards. What do you got, Sean? I'm just kidding. I have a fuckload. I'm not taking them out. Oh, take them out.

Yeah. You know what would you estimate, Sean? Just hold your wallet up. Let's take a look at your wallet here. Look at that shit, man. You have like at least 20 or 30 cards in there. No, not 20. What do you have in there?

Takes them out. What do you have? I've got a debit card, two credit cards, driver's license, like a thing, a card for like GNC. Why do you know all of them off the top of you? because I use them all the time. No, those, the only cards. Bonds card.

You know, because you got to, you don't need that. You don't need your bonds card. You don't get those deals, son. No, that's true. You can type in your phone number. Type in your phone number. You're right. Guys, how many do you have, Dick?

What's a total count here? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. I got some checks in here also. Oh, my gosh. This is an overseas check I've been carrying around for like three years because I can't find a bank that will cash. I have those two from Amazon. I have a five pound note.

great very useful Sean it's the only thing in my wallet because I don't carry my money on my wallet I carry it in my front pocket yeah me too I got a driver's license then I got a fuck little money why do you have a second wallet in your wallet

dude yeah what the fuck is this in case I need to like get into action real fast I can bust this second wallet out of my wallet like Optimus Prime and then I could go incognito

and leave my wallet behind like if I need to leave my wallet with someone you take this wallet and hold it here for me, I'm going to take the stuff I need and go into action. Well, speaking of taking the stuff you need, there's not this wallet exception you have going on here. But what you do, I started to look at my wallet critically a long time ago, probably about

six, seven years ago, when I pulled out my wallet and I was cleaning it out and I was taking all these cards out, they're like old business cards of people I'd met at parties, there were old grocery store coupon cards and blockbuster cards and my university ID cards, all the shit, I thought, my God, the only thing I ever use in my wallet is my driver's license and my one or two credit cards. What if I just started carrying around my one or two credit cards and my driver's license? And that's my wallet today. Here's my wallet. I'm pulling it out.

Bam, right here. It's like three cards. Wait, but you don't have a wallet. You just have cards in your pocket. Yeah. Because it's not a hassle and I don't lose them and it's not uncomfortable to sit on. They don't look like a giant bulgy pile of shit in your pants. It'll make you look frumpy as fuck.

You all look like You all look like Morons with your giant wallets walking around You got a big old bundle of bullshit in your pocket If I'm well dressed I will not carry a wallet In my back pocket Because you're right it does look bad Right in the front pocket

Yeah That's what the suits is like bulgy as fuck Well sometimes but you can see it And if you're wear it say you're wearing a dress shirt Not like a full suit But you're wearing a dress shirt Might be tucked in in your pants You'll still see the

If you put it in your front pocket You'll still see it And you sit down on this thing It gives you back problems These giant ass wallets everyone's sitting on that you got so much meat in those wallets. You're sitting down on them. It's uncomfortable.

You got this big bulge in your pants. You can't, you shift to the other side, and your butt can't get comfortable, and just leaving a big dent, and it's wearing down your jeans. You've got a hole in your pants. Guys, rethink the wallet. Like me. Be smart. I'm the genius.

What I did is I just took my driver's license and two credit cards, because, Sean, I bet after the first four or five cards that you named, you can't, you can't name the rest of the cards in your wallet. You got so much shit in there. I have a few business cards to like music places. So right. So scan them, take a picture of it, throw it away. You know, it's a good idea.

I'm totally on board. So here's what I do. Wait, wait, you're on board with having like a fistful of cards in your pocket? I have three cards. You can have like a, they make metal clips. Yeah, you can get a clip. No, I don't need it. I don't need it.

It's three cards, guys. Do you have any money? I do. In your pocket? So here's the thing. Here's how brilliant my plan is, okay? So I rethought the wallet. Wallets keep cash and credit.

and your driver's license in it. That's all you ever need. I thought about it, and I thought, well, if I'm ever going to reach into my wallet for cash, then I'm not going to be reaching in for the card. And vice versa. If I need a card, I'm not going to be using cash. So I put my cards in my back pocket,

my cash in the front pocket. I never have to reach into the same pocket twice for two different things. Aren't you worried about losing it? No, I never lose anything. Like you're sitting down and it falls out? Nope. Never lose anything. Reach into your pocket and get your keys and pull them out.

It'll pull the money out. Never happens. Never happens. I put my car keys in my back left, my house keys in my front right, and I segregate those two. Here's the other benefit to segregating your wallet. I mean, that's so obvious red card again. He just can't help himself. That's the second red card.

This is bullshit. So here's why. Also, if you lose your wallet, you lose everything. But if I lose one card or if I lose a little bit of cash, like I'm not going to lose my entire wallet. going to lose my ID. I'm not going to lose my credit cards. I'm not going to have to cancel everything. Now, there is one potential drawback to this. If you travel to a high crime region, like sometimes I go to Mexico, and in Mexico, if I'm going to go to an area where I think I might get mugged or I might have to bribe a cop, I carry a fake wallet with me. And I put in that fake wallet

wallet, there it is. A 20 or a 20 and a 10, like 30 bucks. Is that so they won't think it's fake? Yeah. And a few fake IDs. I'm like, oh, please don't. Please don't hurt. me, please don't hurt me, here you go, here's my, here's my wall. Because if someone mugs you and you say you don't have a wallet, then you're going to be in trouble, they're going to think you're an asshole and you're lying to them and they might cause you some harm. But with the fake wallet, that's the genius. You hand him the fake wallet.

You carry around a fake wallet when you're in, like an octopus shooting ink out of it when it's getting attacked? What do you do if you get mugged more than once, though? That's a good question. Danzell, good question. I have two fake wallets. Do you really? I really do.

Maddox, have you ever been? mugged? No. What are the odds of getting mugged in these places? Not too high, but if it happens... Not too high. No, not too high. Extremely low. I generally only take fake wallets with me if I'm traveling in rough areas in Mexico, if I'm traveling through Tijuana

or Juarez, you know, make some transactions, make some deals, huh? No. No? Okay. No, yeah, you know, I don't do drugs. Anyway. This is a guy who's talking about keystrokes constantly. I don't think he's hooking up drugs. No. No, I... So you can carry a

wallet in those instances where you need one. But really, guys, you should go through your wallets today. All the listeners, go through your wallet. You don't use anything other than your ID, your credit card, and your cash. Put your cash in a different pocket. Always reach your cash when you need it. You never need your cash and

credit card at the same time. I'm totally on board. I'm doing this. Amen, Sean. Because really, you don't need anything. And maybe your insurance ID card. There's a website here. It's called dumblittleman.com. And they're talking about how to cut down on the wallet size.

And this guy says, stick to the 1-2-2 rule. He says, credit and debit cards are a little easier. If you have more than two cards in your wallet, you may need to rethink your credit and spending habits. Really, guys, if you have more

than two credit cards in your wallet, what the hell are you doing with your life? Why do you need that much credit? You should probably not spend money that you don't have. Just carry the two credit cards or debit cards with the lowest rate on them, and you'll be forced to save money

if you don't have a plethora of cards to choose from. That's not necessarily what you're doing with two credit cards, though. You can use them to buy things that you do have the cash for, pay them off at the end of every month, and increase your credit score dramatically. To build credit, of course. If everyone has, like, a deal on gas or groceries.

Or like you have a business. Yeah, but you can rotate those cards if you need to. This guy says, I try to follow the one-two-two rule, one ID, two forms of payment, and two insurance cards. Health and auto, and that usually does it. And really, you don't even need your auto insurance card. You leave that in the car. I think I'd be too worried about losing all of my shit.

Like, even in my own apartment. coming home and just throwing my money everywhere and my credit cards like, well, I guess I'll see you guys when I'm sober. Have fun playing around my apartment like Toy Story while I'm passed out in the shower. Well, you have to get drunk to remember where the fuck you threw it.

Well, I always have, I like to leave a trail from my front door to my bed of all my shit. Like keys, phone, wallet, pants, shoes. Dick, the thing is, when you come into the house and you take the wallet out of your pants, Throw it somewhere. It's usually because it's uncomfortable. You no longer have to do that with this new system.

You leave it in your pants. You sit down everywhere comfortably. You can fly on planes without having to move your wallet or take it out and put it in your front pocket or whatever the corny bullshit you nerds are doing with all your crap you're carrying around. A bunch of garbage. You guys are like walking librarians with like a history of every party you've been to carrying around your pocket. Receipts? Fuck receipts. Vote up receipts, guys. Do I have any receipts in here?

Take that shit out. Throw it away. Anyway, this website, too, adds another thing. There was a website. It was called Just One Club Card. It's now defunct, but it's a nice, this is from Dumb Little Man, says it's a nice application that puts eight barcodes on one printed card that I carry around. I actually played around with a resizing tool to fit much more on it with both sides.

If you really need any extra cards, grocery cards, GNC discount cards, gym cards, anything you want, if you really wanted to, you could put all of that on one piece of paper. with the barcodes. It's so simple. Cut down the bulge in your pants, guys. You don't need it. Ladies, you don't need this bullshit. Cut it down to two cards, one ID, done.

That's my problem. Or ramp it up. Get a fanny pack. Yeah. Get a wallet. You make nice fanny packs now. Yeah, you could get some hand sanitizer, put it in there. Get a bunch of cards.

Get way more cards than you'd ever dream of. Get all your IDs. from high school and college all the way back, but put a little leatherman tool in there. You never know. Sure. When you might need to unscrew something or saw something with a three-inch long serrated blade

that couldn't cut through anything. There's so many different types of wallets. There's money clips. There's double-fold bills. There's trifold bills. There's long wallets, short wallets. There's wallets within wallets like you have, Dick. There's just too many wallets, guys.

Get rid of your wallets. You don't need them. Yeah, I do. Well, I use this when I go to the gym. I just pop it out. All right. Is that your problem? That's my problem, Dick. What do you got? That's a good problem. I don't think it's as good as yours.

It doesn't involve like fake, like fake escape mechanisms for getting mugged. Yeah. Like who? Do you have any more? I'm talking to you. Me? Yeah. No, my problem is huge, Denzel. I'm sorry. You got your black thing. But I'm segregating too. I'm talking about segregation. Segregation cards. So, okay. Let me ask you this.

Okay. So you have two fake wallets. You get mugged three times. Do you just, do you get your real? Yeah. Do you give away your real wallet or do you say, sorry, I got mugged twice? Danzell, if I get mugged. Danzell, if I get mugged.

Like you're talking to a homeless guy. Yeah. If I get mugged. Oh, sorry, I'm all out of change. Give it to the other two. If I get mugged a third time, I will reach into my actual cash pocket and then pull out my cash, which is usually on the order of like $40. And then I'm out 40 bucks.

And Denzel, let me predict your next rebuttal, which is, what if you get mugged a fourth time? Denzel, we're not living in Nickelodeon. Okay, this is not like some Looney Tunes universe where you just keep getting mugged. If I get mugged once, I'm going to go to the cops, and I'm going to get my second wallet, my second fake wallet,

and then carry on, and then I'm going to have my second. You're definitely in Looney Tunes, man. When you're talking about carrying around fake wallets in case you get mugged. Yeah. It's smart. I think it's smart. And I have fake IDs in there,

and I have all sorts of, like, crap in there. You know what I do is I take business cards for people I don't ever plan on talking to again. I put them in my fake wallet to give to the homeless person. Why do you have such an elaborate scheme for getting mugged? It's just smart. Have you ever been mugged? No. But I'm prepared in case it happens.

What if you panic and accidentally like reach for your money? Then you're going to look real stupid with your fake wallet there. Oh, no, but do you practice is what I'm saying? Like, do you practice getting mugged in front of the mirror? Do you make sure you reach for the fake wallet? I do put my fake wallet where you would expect a wallet to be if I travel to an unsafe area. But the other thing is, the other benefit, this is like just nothing but benefits. I'm so brilliant.

You're not going to get pickpocketed. When you go to, when you travel to an unsafe area if you're ever in Europe and you're on a subway and you're in close quarters, you're not going to get pickpocketed because your cash is in the front pocket. And I, oh, actually, someone tried to pickpocket me in Hong Kong a long time ago. I was on the subway and I felt something in my in my back pocket, like a hand tried to reach into my back pocket. and I just kind of chuckle. I'm like, go ahead, idiot. What are you going to take?

What are you going to take? My driver's license? What are you doing with that? Dip shit? I have all my cash in my front pocket. I turned around. I didn't even bother. I didn't even bother looking to see them.

I didn't give a shit. No one's going to steal anything from me. I have all my cash in my front pocket. You're not getting in there. You might get more than you bargain for if you do, though. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Hey, I just realized something.

Denzel, you've got to check your privilege. Because I bet you're not worried about getting mugged as you're walking around, are you? So maybe vote down being. Black is a problem. I don't know. All right. Here's my problem. Google Delegators. What the hell is that, dick? When you're sitting on your device, minding your own business, cruising gone wild on Reddit or whatever you happen to be doing. And somebody comes along and says, hey, hey, I wonder,

I wonder what time the gym closes today. Will you just Google that for me? Oh. I hate that. They delegate Google tasks to you. No, I'm not Siri. I'm doing my own thing. I'm involved in my own world that I'm in to escape from you. Don't bring your world into here poisoning mine. Oh, I know who inspired this one. Everybody, everybody. Everybody does this to me all the time. Wait, what time's the movie? Just pull out your phone and check it out for me. Oh, you're on your... As soon as you open your computer, hey, hey, hey, can you Google this for me real quick?

I've been thinking about it all day. I just want to know how many bananas someone eats every year. You just throw that on Google for me? You're not doing anything. I am. I'm doing the Google myself. I don't have time for all your Google. What are you Googling? It's so important that you can't be addressed. Gone wild, always.

It's like, it's someone, I don't know the word for it. It's someone making you do some, their labor, they're profiting from it, and you get nothing out of it, and you have no choice. They oblige you to do it. I don't know what that's called, but that's what this is. Yeah, I don't know that people are... Not laughing. Not laughing over here. Why?

I don't know that people are profiting, Dick, from your Google searches that you're doing for them. They're not coming to you. Hey, Dick, I got a real hot stock tip. Can you look this up for me real quick? I'm about to place an order. I'm working my fingers to the bone here for them and I get nothing out of it. Yeah. You're not working your fingers. I'll be punished if I don't do it.

Well, what about voice searches, Dick? Are you okay with voice searches? What do you mean? Like, if someone came over to you and said, Dick, I need you to look up what a slow pit. is. Is that a racist, is that a racist epithet? And you say, well, I don't know, let's check Siri or whatever horse that you're using Siri, right? With your Apple phone. What do you use Siri? What do you use? What do you use? Whoa. He's getting romantic on your phone. Does anyone use Siri? Do you use a vocal? I use voice search all the time on my phone, because it works great. On my phone, my voice detection works pretty well. It doesn't work when it comes to text messages. It's garbage. I hate touch screens. But when it comes to Google searches, I don't know what kind of magic they're doing, but it's way better than any other voice recognition software I've used.

Not perfect, but way better. And I do search, I do do do voice searches on there. No, I don't do those. They're dumb. Just type the words in. Type the words. I'm to fiddle around with all this voice shit. But you're working your fingers, your poor fingers to the bone. It's slavery is what I'm saying. That was the joke. That was the joke. Happy Black History

Months. Perfect. I agree. Hey, we're all bringing in black-related problems. I have the segregating wallets. You have your Your finger slavery. Yeah, it sucks. How did that not get a card? Yeah, who gets a card, Denzel? It's funny, you can say,

he's tearing the red card in half. Sean, Sean gets all the... No, I've gotten like two or three today. Yeah, you should get more. Okay. You get my half. I'm giving it to Sean. Thank you.

I'm just going to start giving people bum information when they say Google it. Yeah, why not? Google it for me. That's funny. Dick, I would expect you to do that first because you tend towards chaos. When's the gym clothes?

Ah, two in the morning. How many wallets should I carry in other countries? Yeah. One. You're a man, you should carry one wallet at all times. Zero wallets at all times. Wallets are dumb. Three billion searches every day.

Three billion? How many of those do you think are delegated, Dick? Probably 90%. Sure. So just people standing around without smartphones of their own and be like, hey, you can Google something for me? I need a quick hit. Yeah, that's what they do. I don't know.

I don't know what the psychology is behind that. Why does it bother you so much? Because I don't want to be, I don't want to be the doing the Googling. It's a pain in the ass. I want to do what I was doing. You got a phone. You use your phone.

What if their phone is dead? Well, you know what I was thinking? So the only reason I was thinking that somebody could do this to you and not be a dickhead is that they suck at Googling. Oh yeah. Right?

See, this never happens to me except like with my father. That can't Google it. No, the world has passed him by. He doesn't. understand the phone, the computer. If he knows where something is, he can remember the path to get it, but he doesn't understand the whole concept. So asking him to Google something, he's just never going to do it. And it doesn't help to send them to let me Google it for you,

links. That's pretty fun. That's fun. I send that a lot. I remember the first time I sent it was on a mailing list of friends. And it was kind of like an inside joke mailing list. A lot of friends would pass it back and forth all day long hey check this out hey did you hear this hot gossip over here and i someone asked a very googleable question in the thread they said what what uh what's what is this movie about and rather than google it for him i sent him the let me google that for you link got dropped from the mailing list if you if you send that link to my dad he would think you're helping him yeah he would think that's doing it for him oh thanks You know what, fuck it.

Let them see that slow-ass cursor go across the screen. I love seeing that. It's so condescending. I love that. Yeah, but I do think it could try to help people, like, learn how to do the Googling. They let me Google that for you? Yeah, instead of just being like a fuck you, it could also say like, hey, you could have just typed all the words in here. Sure.

Especially people who don't understand exact quote searches, which is, guys, if you want the exact phrase, put it in quotes. Super simple. One thing Google is not really great at for searching is syntax. Google gets all confused and muddled when you type in certain syntax because it kind of confuses it with flags that you can put into your Google searches. I'm getting into really advanced territory. You guys aren't on my level yet, I know. Advanced.

You know that Denzel, right? Engineer right here. Yeah, all right. That's my purpose. So Google Delegators, do you have any problems with any other types of gators? No. Alligators are great. You can bring those in.

They make nice shoes. Just the Google Delegators. make nice shoes? Did I hear that? Nice shoes. Uh-huh. Does that fit any? Oh, they also make great sausage.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. I've had alligator sausage. Delicious. Poop it out. All right. Let's wrap this up. All right, guys.

Thanks, Denzel. Do you have any shitty comedy projects you want us to pitch on here, like all the other guests? No. No. What a hater. You can follow me on Twitter and say. mean things to me on the internet at That Denzel. It's spelled normally. At that

Denzel, we will link to it on the website. We would like to actually have you back at some point if you do, to hear some of the comments you may have received for this episode. It sounds like it would be hard to say mean things to you. Like, it sounds like you just get mean things said to you frequently. I mean, that's, I can relate to that because they get the same

thing. Like, if someone calls me an asshole every day like on hate mail, but You did write a book. Well, yeah. I deserve it. That's the difference. I am a bad guy. You're a super nice guy.

You're like one of the nicest guys ever met next to me. I'm the nicest. Anyway, guys, my problem this week is wallets. My problem is being black. My problem is Google Delegators. Thanks for listening. See you next Tuesday. I got a voicemail from Waterboy.

Waterboy, longtime contributor of the show. Hello, my name is Waterboy. and I really enjoyed the internet addiction problem. The one thing that I wish that was dealt into, though, was kind of the stigmas that kind of go around the... Half, I'm just going to call again. Pretty good point. Here's one from Tim Cook.

He did play second fault. No, Maddox. It's your boy, Tim Cook. Oh, from Apple. President of Apple. Yeah. Tim Cook Yo, what do you think about me

shutting down and sell of rallies I ain't I ain't gonna be hustled by no players I'm gonna feds, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're all talking shit about my Apple products.

Yo, what's up with that? What's up with that, Maddox? Tim Cook is a very street. So I bet you met my cousin. Tim Chains, maybe you heard about them. Anyway, just by chance,

if you need a list, I'm also a part-time lift driver But seriously, hit me up, dude I need that cash I really need that cash Tim Cook Fuck you I'm tired of Tim Cook

And Tim Changs I don't want to hear anything From Tim Changs Or Tim Cook Any more Tims on the show I'm putting a blackout on Tims I don't have any For the rest of 2016

I got one more This guy didn't like me Hey Dick It's Devin from Wisconsin Mr. Dick Masterson the not white night, you tricky dick. I'm listening to episode 20 right now. And guess who brought in a problem advocating for women

and not having transgendered in the MMA? Yeah. I just want these women to have their own thing. Is that so wrong? That's a quote from you, Mr. Dick Masterson. So white nighting again. White nighting again. How do you feel about that?

You're the most social of justice warriors. You even have a podcast where you can espouse your social justice. Social justice warrior problems. Yeah, your warrior. It's like the crusades on behalf of feminists. That's what you are over here at the White Knight. White Knight Denzel and White Knight Dick. The widest guys I know.

Yes.