The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Uncucked - Episode 98

Episode Date: June 21, 2018

Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from call of our ears to late engineers. Oh. With over 5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decided was should or shouldn't be on the biggest of problems. I'm Maddox with me as Dick. What's up, buddy? Yep, let's get it started. I'm missing is Sean our audio engineer.

And the clock is ticking. Uh-huh. He is late, and for every minute that he is late, he is losing that percentage of his engineering fee today. I just talked to him. He said he was supposed to be here. He said he's running late, but we're starting without him. Because fuck the audio quality. How hard can it be?

If Tim Chang's can do it, we can do it. Tim Chang's, look, for all the hate that I have, for Tim Chang's and his obnoxious sound drops, he did a pretty good job of mastering our tracks. He did. He did. He did a great job. Yeah, he did. You know what, I have a lot of respect for his drops, too. I like his a cappella DJ style.

You don't see that a lot. Like, you don't see Skrillix just get up there with. with a mic all on his own, using only his mouth for audio drafts. Because, you know, maybe he doesn't know how garage band or audio engineering works, but maybe it's a stylistic choice, right? For Tim Chang's, I think that it's a stylistic choice and also he's limited by the amount of talent that he has, I think. Aren't we all?

Scrilix is a real DJ, Dick. You're comparing Tim Chang's to Scrillx now? Real DJs? Does not make you a real musician. What won last week? Yeah. Okay, yeah, good question, Dick. The biggest problem in the universe from last week

was prank bros. Prank bros, really? Prank bros, followed by decision fatigue. That's shocking. Yeah, is it, though? Because prank pros are super obnoxious. Then bits and overpopulation alarmists downvoted because I think that people were butt hurt.

Oh, because they make too many bits? They make too many jokes. So I read one of the comments from someone, last time I asked if this was a phenomenon that we are more used to, more exposed to being in Los Angeles and Hollywood and being in more comedy scenes and whether or not it was something that other people outside of this bubble of L.A., New York, Chicago experience. And most of the comments I read was that saying no. That everyone experiences. No, no, they said it wasn't. They said they didn't experience it outside comedy? I read the opposite online.

I don't know. Yeah, not people. read the comments I wanted to read. The people who were experiencing bits were, you know, they said that there would be an occasional dad joke or two from a dad who was a little overzealous with his joking. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Dad jokes are very different.

Dad jokes are the suitor of life. Dad jokes are what keeps me going in life. Dad jokes are unassailable. These are bits. These are comedy bits. This is, see, a dad joke, a dad, doesn't want or need validation. A dad specifically wants to waste your time

the way you have wasted his. He wants you to suck on that joke. Right? He wants to say it and then just go, look right in your face, say, you can't take that back, can you? And deep down, you know, it's funny. A bit is someone sucking that information,

sucking that validation from you. A dad joke is the opposite. Yeah, I agree. I like dad jokes a lot. I like dad jokes and I like to hang out with dads who tell dad jokes. What's your favorite dad joke? I got one.

We're making fish tonight just for the halibut. Yep, that's a good one. That is a good one. That's my favorite dad joke. You and I, Dick, a long time ago when fishing with your dad, and I decided to look up a bunch of fishing jokes. Oh, it's painful. If you guys are ever bored and you want to read the worst jokes, the worst jokes,

just go to Google and type in fishing jokes. They will put you in a bad mood, guaranteed. I got a comment from Arkin Black. He says, I think Dick brought himself in is a problem with bits. Oh, yeah. Is I joking too much? Too many jokes? And speaking of jokes and shenanigans, I got a comment from Jessica S.K., she says, I call shenanigans.

Hators isn't a problem because Tim Chang's problem was haters, and it came in first last week. She says, calling people haters. Oh, the week before, that's right. She said, calling people haters is just a way to dismiss any and all criticism. That's right, Tim Chang's. Nice try, bro. There's a bit true to that. Here's one, this one I thought was interesting from Chris Pucknell.

He's talking about your problem of overpopulation alarmists. You said specific, well, you brought in Thomas Malthus, some psychic who said that London would be buried under nine feet of shit. Yeah, of horse shit. And that that was ridiculous, right? Can you imagine, I was like, yeah, that does sound kind of ridiculous. Like, what are all these horses doing? Why are all these horses shitting in London? So he says London was getting buried in manure.

50,000 working horses were despoiling the streets with nearly 1,000 tons of manure a day, not to mention 100,000 pints of urine and even their own knackard corpses. And apparently New York was twice as bad. It was getting so out of hand. But then everyone switched to cars, so problem solved. That's interesting. Yeah. Imagine that many...

Imagine how bad dog shit is in L.A. Except instead of everyone having a little yippy dog, they had a horse. Stupid fucking horse. It would be much worse. Beady eyes, dumb animals. Look, I've said this in the past. I brought in horses as a problem.

I think horses are a huge problem. And had we continued to rely on horse power, instead of glue, say, you know. Yeah. The problem would have been way worse. I agree with that. But, yeah, again, the point is, though, that you couldn't predict technology.

something came along and made horses obsolete. Okay. Do you think there's anything to my comparison with global warming now, after having thought about it for a week? Because the horse shit is piling up, like these guys say. Yeah. The CO2 is piling up, let's say it is, I'm betting, there's no question in my mind

that we'll have something better than what we have now in like 100 years, and this will just be a blip on the radar, right? And we're like, okay, well, we're not doing that anymore. Well, the problem is with global warming, Dick, is that if the predictions are true, if the models are true, right? The temperature rises to the point where the polar caps melt and it raises the temperature more and it becomes a cycle that's irreversible, then we're in serious trouble, right? Because then how are you going to re-freeze the polar caps? How are you going to undo? Duke Nukem. That's something that's been imagined.

Yeah, I don't know, Dick. It seems like it's a problem that's outside the scope of our control right now And it's something that's the point right now Man freeze rays We're gonna have all kinds of rays in the future Hair growing rays Piu Poo Poo! I wouldn't use it You wouldn't use it as a spite

No, I wouldn't use it out of spite Yeah, let's see, I got another one from Jason Takes The woman in that Craigslist prank Came out as an actress Oh, that's right On drama alert. So last episode, if you haven't listened to it yet, I talked about prank bros.

And specifically, there's this prank on this channel called Moe and Ethan Bradbury, these two bozos, who do these really mean-spirited, shitty pranks that aren't funny. And they do it under the guise of raising, you know, as a social experiment to raise awareness about how dangerous Craigslist can be. Because, God forbid, you want to go and buy a discounted TV or an iPhone or something. So this guy from Ethan, Ethan Klein from H3H3 Productions made a video about this and talked about how it felt more real than usual and also the video was deleted a few days after. So it led a lot of people, including myself, to suspect that this video was real.

However, some... This guy says she's an actress, though, right? Yeah, she is an actress. Her name is something Moses. Anyway, she came out and she finally admitted that this was a hired, a paid acting gig. She saw the casting opportunity on this show. New York casting website.

And it said it was for like some commercial product or something. So she didn't really know what she was getting into until she showed up on the day of the shoot. And that's when they told her. And I saw an interview with her and on this YouTube channel called Kim Star. Kim Star, I think is the guy's name. And he interviewed her. And she said that she's actually on the side of Mo and Ethan. She said they were really professional and hardworking and did a good job.

And they took care of them. But it's all fake. Yeah. It's like prank porn. Right, and then he asked her the same thing that I, the same point that I raised last time, which is, well, what happens when people who watch this come away thinking that it's real,

and they try to duplicate some of these pranks themselves? Because there's a suspension of belief when you watch, you mentioned Beavis and Butthead, Dick, last time. Beavis and Butthead is a cartoon. There's a suspension of belief there. Movies, there's a suspension of belief. TV shows there's a suspension of disbelief. Suspension of disbelief.

No, suspension of disbelief is. the opposite. It's where you're suspending your disbelief to believe what the narrative is showing you. I'm saying a suspension of belief. Like you don't believe that it's true? That you know it's not true? It's basically double negative. Yeah, it's getting kind of confusing. But you get the, you get the idea. It's make believe. Right. It's TV, movies. It's cartoon. No, yeah. So the suspension of belief in Beavis and Butthead is that you don't believe it's true. Right. Right. So this is, you lack that suspension of belief in in these cases because you see this and you're not told that it's fake, you have no reason to believe that it's fake.

So essentially, I think it's a lot more potent. The message and the takeaway is a lot more potent. Accountability. Everybody's accountable for whatever they do. It's art. Fuck it. It's art, fuck it. Yeah, man.

You put out a Craigslist ad and, like, if you're actually doing that, if you're actually, I don't know, luring some real woman into a house and attack. attacking her with five mass strangers to make a funny video and you claim that you were influenced by a video you saw on the internet? Fuck, you're going to jail. Fuck you, man. Yeah, of course. I mean, justice can be served after the fact, but the point is to try to prevent that.

Like, you know, the movie, I think it's called Cannibal Holocaust. I don't know that movie. Okay, there's a movie I think it's called Cannibal Holocaust. It was banned in a lot of countries, supposedly. Maybe it's part of the marketing efforts. I don't know. But a lot of people thought that it was too real. Because they actually do kill animals in this movie.

Wait, real animals? Yeah, they kill real animals in this movie. Huh. And some of the death and the violence in this movie seemed so real that for a lot of time, people investigated, I think they investigated the creators of this movie to see if it actually was real. Turned out it wasn't. Sure. But if you watch a piece like that and you think that it's real and you come away thinking,

well, I may have just witnessed a crime, I don't quite get what the fun in that is, especially because these guys are calling themselves pranksters. What do you mean you don't get what the fun is? Well, a prank is supposed to be fun. Yeah, yeah. They're failing at fun. They're failing at fun.

Yeah. Let's see, I got, you know what, I got one more. Somebody sent in a package a while ago I've been meaning to open. Oh, let's see it. Yeah. It's a great one. Dear Dick, I was listening to the biggest problem in the universe recently, and upon hearing you bring...

Two long shorts to the big list, I became a man convicted. Is that right? Enclosed, you will find a pair of shorts that used to belong to my grandfather while he would play tennis. I would have kept them for myself, but decided that your need was greater than mine, and being from Colorado, I simply don't have the weather for them 80% of the time. Please enjoy this kindly gift. And since this isn't a voicemail, don't go fuck yourself, although I can understand if you would want to, I mean, who wouldn't regard to? Patrick, check it out. It's a pair of vintage grandpa short tennis shorts.

Oh, wow, look at that. Yeah, they got a couple stains in the back and everything. Pretty nice. So, thanks, Patrick. You look real hot and wearing those at the tennis court or whatever. Yeah, if you want to go to the website, don't worry, there won't be pictures of me and them on it. Oh, thank God. All right.

All right, should we get to the problems? Sure. I got a big one this week, Dick. Murderers. Murder's? Yeah. A big problem. Murderers are a really big problem.

You know why, Dick? Murder is a problem because murder is a problem. Yeah. But the reason I didn't bring in murder as a problem is because murder doesn't murder people. Murderers, murder people. So wait, your problem is murderers? Murderers. Okay, not murder.

Yeah, murderers, not murder. I don't want to derail your topic, but is abortion murder? Just a click aside. Thanks, Dick. That wouldn't derail. That wouldn't derail this topic at all. No, why wouldn't? And no, it's not.

All right, moving on. Speaking of types of murder, right? There are a lot of different types of murder. But I also didn't want to confuse anyone with the word murder for the expression of how difficult something is. Like, this physics homework is murder, or carrying around these heavy balls as murder on my back, you know, that sort of thing. Oh, your testicles?

Yeah, yeah. Those are also different types of murder, but I'm talking about different, you know, the other, other murders, right? Like, here's the different types of murders. There's mass murder. There's child murder. Yeah. There's first degree. There's second degree murder.

Sure. That's that involves malice, but it's not premeditated. There's axe murder. There's attempted murder, which isn't really murder. Well, that's not murder. Yeah. Okay, I'll leave that off. Don't be lumping in problems that aren't really there. Part of your problem. Attempted murder is a type of non-murder. Yeah.

There's a perfect murder, which is one where the criminal almost gets away, like in every single episode of CSI, so not perfect. Oh, okay. But they always, every time I see a drama or a thriller like that about a perfect murder,

the guy gets caught, so it's not perfect. A perfect murder is one where the guy just gets away. No, a perfect murder is what happens on the show the first 48 hours when guys just don't talk to the cops and everybody gets away with everything. Is that what happens?

Yeah, in a, in the, real world, nobody gets caught if they don't say anything. Yeah. If it wasn't, like, if it wasn't a friend or a family member, you got away with it. Well, what about you have... Well, you see, you have... I guess there's

some movies that have perfect murders, I guess, like in Gone Girl, she didn't get caught, right? Did you see that movie? No, thanks for... Thanks for spoiling that, though. Yeah, she murders someone, I guess. Anyway, there is a execution style murder. Uh-huh. There is felony

murder that's murdered committed during a felony so sometimes even accidental if you're robbing a bank or something and someone gets shocked and falls down the stairs and gets killed you may be prosecuted for that crime as a felony murder this murder has gotten legal very quickly

a very human and very horrible visceral problem has turned into law yep there's dial M for murder there's crying bloody murder there's knife slaying murder and then there's a type of murder and slang that I which is slaying that poon.

Crushing, crushing that Puss is also a type of murder. So vote up bits, everyone. Vote up puns and bits. Fuck you, dick. All right. Some of the most prolific murders in history, though, are serial killers, which is what I want to talk about today.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so... That's the red flag. That, when I hear serial killers, that's the red flag that makes me know I've fucked up with picking a girl to date again.

when she says, oh, you know what? Like she's confessing a secret to me. You know what? I actually have a... I used to have... I went through like a serial killer phase where I was really interested in serial killers. I'm like, oh, yeah.

That's like every girl I date is like that. Yeah, we don't pick well. We don't pick girls well. Yeah, every girl... Look, I'm not saying... I'm not holding it against them, because I'm interested in it too. I'm interested and intrigued.

When they bring it up, I'm like, all right, great. I found another one. I'm going to be dating this girl for another. Why? You're interested in serial. killers too? Yeah, it's kind of fascinating. Not as much as the girls that I date. The girls that I date are always more interested in serial killers than I am. Yeah. And usually horror movies and

shitty movies and cinema and things like that. They're more interested in those things? Oh yeah, yeah. What do you like about them? What do you like about serial killers? I like the... Like, what's the last serial killer you learned about? Oh, I learned about this guy. So I went to, I went to the Museum of Death in Los Angeles. Yeah, it was a, it was a, it was a It was a hot date. I was going to the Museum of Death. I was being sarcastic. You're probably right.

Nothing makes these chicks hornier than seeing all this crazy shit than serial killers did. Oh, man, they get horned up. So we go to this serial killer museum where we're seeing like bloody knives and murder weapons and pictures of crime scenes. And it's just like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. The chicks always start getting frisky. They're like, oh, man, this is really turned me on. I'm like, this is fucked.

But, yeah, this is awesome. So anyway, they had this survey that they would give to certain prisoners, high-profile murders in prison. And one of them was this guy, they asked him what he would do if he was president of the United States. And he said he would build a wall. Yeah, he said he would build a wall. Yeah. He said that he would rule America with an iron fist and a rock hard dick. And that phrasing was so visceral to me.

stuck with me. I thought that was really fascinating. Good writer, I think. Had he not been a serial killer, a mass murder. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, anyway, so how do we get on the topic of... What do you like about serial killers? Are you going to get to that? No, I think that the

trivia is kind of fascinating. You know, it's an anomaly. It's a blip. Oh, in, like, human behavior? Like, what would make a person do this? Why would they get off on this kind of thing? Right. When you look at a graph, right, if you look at a line on a graph. The most interesting part of that line is usually where it intersects with zero.

Those are serial killers. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, Dick, how big of a problem do you think this is? Murder? Yeah. Oh, boy. Um, for, what is it? Like, uh, probably in the tens of thousands in America. Yeah. According to the CDC, 16,121 people die from homicides every year in the U.S. And according to the United Nations, 437,000 people are murdered worldwide every year. It's half a million people are murdered. That's a lot of stabbing. Yeah.

A lot of stabs, a lot of crushed heads. A lot of arsenic. Arsenic could be a way to poison. Drones? Drones are wiping some people out? Yep. Is abortion included in that figure? No, no, abortion's fine.

So the fact that it's a unique human genetic code at that point, you don't have a problem with that? No. Okay. Just checking. I don't want to derail the problem. I don't know. Do you? Yeah, I think it's a murder of convenience.

A murder of convenience. I forgot to add that to my list of types of murders. Yeah, we're okay with that. War, that's a bunch of murders. But, you know, we want whatever they got, so we allow that to happen. Well, murder of convenience implies that it's kind of like a casual, you know. Yeah, you know what? I don't feel like having this baby, so I'm going to go have an abortion.

It would make my life worse to have it. So I'm going to murder it. Well, also it could lead to making other people's lives worse. As in the intro to Freakonomics, they found that there was a huge drop in crime, something like 20 years after the abortion legislation passed in the U.S., Roe v. Wade. So you had a dip in the number of delinquent minors who were being raised by shitty mothers who would have otherwise been shitty parents. And then, you know, mothers who made resent the children they're raising because they were raped and inseminated. by someone they don't love, then all those children who would have grown up

to become criminals were aborted. Yeah. Pretty cool. So drain on society. Yeah. Flush him. Go vote up abortion as a solution, guys. Anyway, moving on, the most prolific serial killer in history is a guy named Luis Garavito,

who has killed about 140 victims. 140 people this guy killed. He was Colombian, and he was known as the Beast. La Bastia, I think, is the guy's name. he's suspected of murdering... So many chicks are getting turned on right now. Oh, yeah. That's a Latin American.

This... This episode, more than any other, I think, is the one that chicks will dittle themselves to. And Sean's missing it. As he's losing money. Yeah, we're 12... What is it? 21 minutes. 21 minutes...

Upside down. 21%... 21% docked. Sean's pay on this episode. What's left? Like $4? We'll see. Anyway, he's suspected, this guy's suspected of murdering over 300 victims.

He was only, that's 140 proven victims that they found. And then he confessed to more and he's suspected of killing about 300 victims. He mostly murdered and tortured children. He killed 140 over the course of five years. That's 28 per year or just about just over two kids per month, every month for half a decade. It's a lot of kids. That's a lot of kids. A lot of work, too.

Yeah. Every two weeks, you got to go murder. or some kid? Hey, so here is a postulation for you... Pain in the ass. For you anti-abortionists, right? This guy... I'm not anti-abortioned.

Just whoever may be. Oh, okay. This guy ended up killing 140 kids, right? This one man killed 140 kids. What if he was aborted? You just saved 140 kids lives. It's true. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Cereal killer. I bet his mom, his mom didn't give a shit about him, maybe. Yeah, a lot of these serial killers, too, have backgrounds where they were abused as children. A lot of really dark shit. Then they become comedians. Can't stop telling bids in cafes at 1 a.m. Anyway, the second most prolific killer is also Colombian.

His name is Pedro Lopez, suspected of killing 300 people. And there's confirmed 110. He was active in the 70s, killing mostly young girls between 8 and 12. He was released from prison in 1998, and his whereabouts are unknown. Oh, he's out there? Yeah, he's out there. 1998. It's too bad.

Yeah. The third most prolific is also. Colombian so that's the top three most prolific serial killers in the world. What the hell's going on down there? I don't know. I don't know. There are a lot of really prolific Colombian serial killers. They're not just tied to Colombia. It's also

other South American countries like Ecuador some of the neighbors. What they're touring around down there, you mean? Yeah. Confirmed 72 murders suspected of 150 mostly young virgin girls. Oh, what a dick. Yeah.

Kids, you can understand. But young virgin women, come on, man. That's why you got to lose it as quickly as possible. So you don't get murdered or sacrificed. That's the number one thing that kills people. Did you know that? Being a virgin. The number one thing that kills people in horror movies is being a virgin.

Oh, yeah. Lose your virginity, people. Big solution. Get banged. Anyway, so yeah, he killed a lot of young girls between 8 and 12. He was released from prison in 1990. Oh, that was another guy. Sorry.

So he confirmed, there was a confirmed 72 murders for this guy, suspected of 150, and he was believed to be motivated by his stepmother abusing him as a child. Then in the U.S., the most prolific murderer in the U.S. was Gary Ridgeway. He confirmed, killed 49 people, active between 1982 and 2000. He mostly killed sex workers, and is suspected of killing 90. That's a lot of people, man. One person can kill 100 or so. Yeah, that seems a bit lazy. to murder sex workers.

Why? It's a little easy. They're already desperate. It's a cliche, man. You know, why wouldn't you, why aren't these serial killers more creative with their victims? Yeah.

You know? Why don't you just pick, oh, I don't know, mountain men, you know? Make that be your target. At least a worthy target. Be like predator, at least. Yeah.

You know, people who have axes and chainsaws, put some... Hey, man, we wouldn't have any good movies without murder. Without murder? Yeah. We wouldn't have any good movies, we wouldn't have any good video games,

we wouldn't have any good TV, without murderers. Yep. Name one good game. Our biggest heroes are murderers. Indiana Jones, huge murderer. O.J. Simpson. To rip really hilarious murderer.

He was funny, a naked gun. He was. Was he naked? Yeah, he was a naked gun. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, Gary Ridgeway, killed a lot of prostitutes, and then the most prolific Brazilian killer was another guy named Pedro Rodriguez Philho.

He was sentenced to 128 years for 71 murders. But get this. Brazil has a maximum sentence of 30 years, so he was released. I believe he was released, yeah. He also killed his father and ate a piece of his heart. I mean, you know. Yeah.

That's the dream, right? It's there. You know, you got to taste that. You got to absorb his powers. You've got to get his power. Yeah. Surely there's a good side to all this murder, though. Like, this could be your death problem.

You can't kill Hitler without murdering him, right? Yeah. You can't beat the Nazis without murder. You got to, every once in a while, you just got to murder some people. So now, you know, now we're getting into a little semantic game here. Between killing and murdering, there is a difference. killing, people say, is the act of taking a life. Murder, however, they say is premeditated.

It's either premeditated or done, if you want to get into the legal terms, done with malice, or done in the process of a crime. So if you unintentionally kill someone while committing a felony, that's called a felony murder. Okay. So what do you think of that distinction? Killing versus murder. It seems like whoever wins the war is who determines whether it was murder. whether it was a war crime, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're training for six weeks, and then you go storm another country's beaches and start shooting at their guys. Seems like murder. Seems like a murder you can get behind. Seems like murder nonetheless.

Seems like murder. And then people also say that murder, or if you kill someone in the act of self-defense, that doesn't count as murder, they say that that's just an act of self-defense. I don't even call it killing, but you kill. Yeah. If you take another life that's killing,

In China, there was a guy named Yang Shinhai from the early 2000s. This is like 2003. He killed 67 people by entering their homes at night and killing everyone with axes, meat cleavers, hammers, and shovels. Now, wait a minute. I suspect you're kind of bringing in serial killers, though. Because serial killers are scary as shit. Yeah. Well, they're the worst types of murderers.

I mean, you can be a murderer who only kills one person. They're still scary and heinous people like OJ Simpson. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I mean, do you believe he did it? O.J. Simpson? Yeah, of course.

Yeah. I started watching that stupid documentary thing they're airing right now. Is it on FX or HBO or something? I don't know. No, no idea. No idea where to go look for it. No, I don't know. I just go to the internet and I find clips and watch it there.

I don't give a shit. You know, make it easy for me to watch. Otherwise, people are going to provide it for me in a way that you're not going to monetize it, shitheads, and I'm still going to watch it. So anyway, it's fascinating going back to see all the evidence that they laid out and the argument that the defense was putting out there, which is essentially that there was a big conspiracy by the LAPD to frame OJ where they went to

his house and rifled through his socks and found some and then got a vial of blood and took it with them and put some blood on his socks and then also found one of his gloves and then expertly placed the glove with blood on this property and then it put a little dab of blood on his bronco and all this like crazy shit. It's like, yeah, of course, that didn't happen. Anyway. Albert Fish, there was another guy named Albert Fish. Have you heard of this guy?

Yeah, I have heard of that guy. Yeah, Albert Fish. There was a, one of the guys I was in the Dr. Phil House with was, he was there because he was a misanthrope. And he ran a business of serial killer memorabilia. Like, he lived in Utah. I can't remember his name. He lived in Utah, and he had a little store there that. just bought and sold items that belonged to serial killers.

He was for some, and he loved Albert Fish. Weird guy. Yeah, real weird guy. Who? Oh, I'm sorry. The Utah guy. The Utah guy that was on Dr. Phil. He was a cool guy, a little kooky.

Yeah, Albert Fish, definitely a weird guy. Putting pins and needles and kids' groins and stuff like that. So you're not calling him cool. You're not calling Albert Fish cool. No. All right, okay, just wanted to clarify. Yeah, Albert Fish, not cool, for the record. He was a notorious American serial killer who was active from 1924 to 32.

It was a real sick fuck from the book, in his own words. Listen to this. Around 1910, while he was working in Wilmington, Delaware, Fish met a 19-year-old man named Thomas Kedin. He took Kedin to where he was staying, and the two began a sadomasochistic relationship. It is unclear whether or not Fish forced Kedin to do these things, but in his confession, he implies that the man was intellectually disabled. Oh, God. Sick bastard. After 10 days, fish took Kedin to an old farmhouse where he began to torture him.

The torture took place over two weeks. Fish eventually tied Kedin up and cut off his penis. Okay. Yeah, later on, fish poured... The retarded guy? Cut off his penis? Yeah, he cut off his penis. Okay.

Fish poured peroxide all over the wound, wrapped it in Vaseline-covered handkerchief, and left a $10 bill. Killed Ketan goodbye and left. Then he took the first train he could get back home, never heard, or what became the other guy, and he never tried to find out. Yeah, man, these serial killers I'm 100% behind. That they're a problem.

Oh, they're a big, they're a big problem. Yeah. Half a million people dying every year from serial killers. Well, because they're like terrorists, but with style. Hmm. Serial killers. Like, they are, they're making us all terrified. But for some reason, everyone is drawn to their weird, sicko charm.

Like Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy, yeah. Like, everybody wants, everybody is interested in these serial killers. ISIS don't care about, I don't care what they want. I don't care what they're talking about. They're all wearing a dumb uniform, no style at all, right? Not interested. Bad marketing.

Serial killers, great marketing. Yeah. Horrible, great marketing. Yeah. People are buying their books. Serial killers are randoms. They're kind of like flashes in the pan. You don't know what to expect.

You don't know when they'll strike. You don't know where they'll strike. They are really fascinating in that sense And I think that's why a lot of people are fascinated by them They are just kind of Curious about what motivates someone to do these things Yeah You know, where does this come from?

Is it psychological? I mean, yeah It's psychological, that's all there is to it Maybe they should get some ADD medication Anyway, Fish started having auditory hallucinations He would also insert needles into his groin and abdomen This is why fish was so famous, I think. One of the reasons is because after his arrest, he was x-rayed,

and they found at least 29 needles lodged into his pelvic region. And, man, if you look up this x-ray, it's really sick. It's disgusting. Yeah. He also has a nail-studded paddle, and he put wool doused with lighter fluid up his anus and set it on fire. What's wrong with that? Oh, that's real hot.

Yeah. Brain damage. Bad puns. He would sometimes eat dinners consisting solely of raw meat. He would tell his kids to spank him with that. nail-studded paddle. There were also group serial killers. Have you ever heard of this?

In Philadelphia, in the 1930s, there was a poison ring. It was called the Philadelphia Poison Ring. And there were a gang of 16 people who poison Italian immigrants with arsenic to collect their life insurance. Yeah, there was a scam to find recently widowed women through a matrimony agency that they set up. That's a bummer. Yeah, I guess they would marry them.

They'd get an insurance policy on them. and then they'd all accidentally be killed in really violent ways, or they'd be poisoned. And man, some of these descriptions, I read some of these descriptions, it's so gruesome, so graphic. How they killed them? Well, the effects of drinking that much arsenic, because someone dying from arsenic poisoning is really rare.

Fat and bloated and disgusted? Yeah, they get really bloated, their eyes bulge out. It's really nasty, really nasty. And this is kind of an interesting phenomenon, but a lot of serial killers have the name, Wayne as a middle or first name. Do you know that? Oh, I know somebody with Wayne as a middle name.

Really? Do you think he's a serial killer? Well, I was at a party not too long ago where a friend of mine introduced me to someone whose name was, he had Wayne as a middle name. And they said to him, oh, that's a lot of serial killers have the name Wayne in common. He said, oh, yeah, well, my uncle was a serial killer,

and he had the name Wayne in it. And, yeah, his uncle was a real. Cool. Yeah. Real prolific serial killer, too, this guy. Anyway, there's John Wayne Gasey, of course, and Elmer Wayne Henley. Henley, if you don't remember, was sentenced to six consecutive life terms in 1974 in Houston for his role with a ringleader Dean Allen Coral in the murders of 27 young men. But there are at least 222 more serial killers, according to this website, Newsoftheweird.com. I'll link to it on the website. And according to Freakonomics, in 2006,

a woman noticed that an eight-month period in Texas alone, there were 19 people who were accused of crimes with a middle name Wayne. Now, I don't know if that's just confirmation bias because you're looking for it. Not all Waynes? Are we going to say that? Yeah. Hashtag Not All Wayans. But it is kind of fascinating that Wayne seems to be a common thing here.

I have a theory. I don't know if this is corroborated by any. thing, but the name Wayne became really popular after John Wayne was a huge celebrity, right? Sure. I didn't know that, but okay. Yeah. I can imagine. Yeah, when celebrities during a certain time period become really popular, you see a spike in

the names of children who are named after that celebrity. Like right now there's a big surge of Maddox's being born. I don't know. Could be true. See, there's evidence. Anyway, maybe it's just a coincidence because these are the serial killers who, who, who came into adulthood around the time of their most prolific murdering years, and they were all named at a certain time when they were conceived when John Wayne was a big celebrity.

Oh, I see. That's my theory. It's probably right. I'm smart. Anyway, there's also the serial killer Coriana Thompson, who was a transsexual strangler. You ever heard of this? No, but that's going to stick, an adline, a transsexual strangler. Yeah, that's what they called her in New York Post, New York Post.com.

killed her 86-year-old mother as a woman and had strangled a nurse to death prior to her gender operation as a man, she is the only serial killer to have killed in both genders. Oh. Yeah. Her birth name was Corey Wayne Balashek. But yeah, man, murderers, big problem. Serial killers. But also, well, mass murders.

You're not going to throw Planned Parenthood in that, are you? No, of course not. But, no. No, of course not. But, yeah, I mean, mass shootings is another big problem. fall under this category, but we've talked about some of that other shit in the past. I mean, it's in the news, obviously. Every week there's something.

I just don't want you to be surprised when murderers, the vote, doesn't reflect what the atrocities that you just read. Because murdering goes both ways. That's what I'm saying. These serial killers are the bad side of murdering. But civilization as a whole was built on murder. A whole shitload of murders. Well, Dick, so again, we're playing the semantic.

a game. Murder versus killing. Because they would say that soldiers, like U.S. soldiers who go abroad and fight our battles, you know, in what, for whatever, for whatever premise. Yeah. Are not considered murderers. They're considered people who are hired killers, essentially. Oh, okay. I mean, what, there is an important distinction there.

Do you think, do you agree or no? Well, yeah, one's legal. Between murdering and killing. Yeah, one is legal and one is not. By the Geneva Conventions, too, and during acts. of war. I don't think that individual soldiers are often tried for war crimes if they're not, you know,

if they're conducting their duties on a battlefield and they kill an enemy soldier in the process of war. Unless it was an accident. It's like, well, the drone accidentally shot up that wedding. What are you going to do? Oh, well, that too, actually. Yeah, that's not considered murder. That's not considered killing. Murder is usually

premeditated. That line's getting a little blurry. Yeah. Well, I mean, where do you draw that line? Where do you think... Well, I don't at all. You don't have any distinction between that. No, you killed, like, you either killed someone to get something from them. Like, these serial killers killed someone to get a thrill. In the case of war, you're either killing someone to stop more killing,

which is a matter of a scale, or you're killing someone for an economic benefit. It's all murder. But I don't personally need to feel better about one type of murder than another. Like, those serial killers throw them in jail. That's bad. I don't like that. Well, what would you say about murder? Because clearly the law distinguishes between first and second degree murder.

Second degree murder is murder. Like, say you were at a bar, you get angry at someone, you punch him in the face, and you accidentally kill them. Yeah, that's less illegal than coming into a bar and blowing somebody's brains out on purpose. It's a lesser crime. Right. The punishment for that is less, I think, because it's a second degree murder. It's not first degree. First degree premeditated murder is where you,

say, see your neighbor cross the street, you make a plan to kill them, you go over there and kill them. That's first degree premeditated murder. Versus a bar, you know, that incident in a bar, do you think that one is morally better than the other,

or do you think they're equal? Oh, morally? I'm fine with the way the law is. Just to be clear, I'm fine with abortion. It's legal. Make it legal. I don't give a shit. Okay. As long as I'm not being aborted.

Yeah, well... That's off the table. Well, not if I became president, shithead. That's my platform. But... Raise the age. Two hundredth trimester abortions. What?

Yeah, I guess... Is that the math? Whatever it is, raise the age. Raise it. Yeah. Hey, well, I'll tell you some people you can definitely put on that list of acceptable murders. Freeway protest. Freeway hijackers.

I don't know what to call this. I don't know if I want to get cute or not because it's a very serious problem to me. But road block heads. Is that, do we get any love on that one? Roadblockheads? People taking over the freeway so everybody has to sit there and suffer

so they can get on the news for their cause. That's my problem. And this is, this is a type of problem. Every once in a while I have a huge problem with something, but I don't want to bring it in right away because I'm so pissed off about it, but it only happened once. So I wait for stuff like this to happen a couple times before I bring it in.

And this finally happened a third time where people feel like they have protesters, anybody, not necessarily necessarily have to be protested. Someone feels like they have the right to get on an interstate highway or a freeway and just stop traffic completely dead for thousands of people, backing up four miles. For what reason? Does the reason matter? That's what I'm genuinely asking you, because I'm incensed by these people. When I see people blocking the freeway, I don't want to know what the reason is.

I want to see snow plows with rockets on their back and a giant LAPD or A-ZPD or whatever state they're in, barreling down the freeway like a fucking cannon to take these people off because they're screwing up everyone's day. Now, you're specifically talking about the most recent incident, which is some protesters blocked, they blocked a freeway because there was a Trump rally going on, right? Yeah, and believe it or not, like, I don't know if this will sound disingenuous, but I don't care what the reason is. I tried to find evidence of people from the right, the conservative side doing it, and I did find a couple, but yes, the most recent occurrence of this freeway road blockhead, freeway hijacking shit, did happen. at the Trump event where thousands of people are using the freeway to get to an event and protesters just

jump onto the road and decide that you're not deciding where you're going they are and you're going to sit there until I don't know when the cops gingerly pick them up and put them in patrol cars and take them away like I don't know what the end game is but it's happened before that yeah it has

So I guess my question is, Dick, when it happens to a point where it reaches critical mass, because I agree with you, it's, it's annoying. It can be, it can be a hazard for people's lives if an ambulance is trying to get down that freeway. Guys, you shouldn't shut it down. People could be having emergencies. There's someone who could be going into labor. There's someone who could be having a stroke. There's a lot of reasons not to shut down a freeway.

It's a bad way of protesting. However, there could be a point where it reaches critical mass where, say, the number of people protesting are in the hundreds of thousands of people and it represents, say, a good chunk of the city, over 50%. What would you say then? Well, we've got this beautiful system where a judge can sit there and rule whether or not it's something that deserve to happen. Like hundreds of thousands of people might be on the street walking. I don't personally like parades, but it's going to happen. This is not that. this is a bunch of people making a concerted effort to stop traffic. Like the, I'll bring in another one that's not political. Do you remember that jackass that shut down the freeway to propose to his girlfriend?

See, when something like that happens, that combined with these protest freeway shutdowns, it makes me think that this is no longer, this phenomenon is no longer about raising awareness. It's just about people showing that they have the power to do this. You know what I mean? Like, what is wrong with a person to want to shut down a freeway and mess up, like, imprison people in their cars for an hour, let's say, or multiple hours for attention? You know what I mean? Like, this is much bigger.

This isn't a protest tactic anymore. It's just people ruining everything. It's just people trying to ruin other people's lives. lives to me. Yeah, I don't agree with shutting down a freeway. But let's say, let's say that there was a protest that were to occur. I mean, I can see a world in which a protest. I mean, you have a t-shirt that says civil disobedience is still disobedience.

Right. Like, let's, you know, let's have a cup check here. But that's satire. You know, it's not, I'm not actually condoning that cops go around beating people. Right. But let's say it's a small town. And one of the only roads in that small town is the freeway. Yeah, I guess even then I still wouldn't condone it.

Well, let's, let me ask you this thought experiment. Because I, like, when I see that happening, I'm like, oh, these guys should go to jail forever. Getting on the freeway and making thousands of, prohibiting thousands of people from going anywhere. Said go to fucking jail forever. Right? Like, that's, or longer than, you know what the penalty for this is? It's like $2,000. Yeah.

And a couple months. Like a couple months maximum, which is never going to happen, right? You'll be a weekender. You'll go to jail for a couple weekends and you're out, Max. That's what's going to really happen. Okay, Dick. First of all, the going to jail forever part is idiotic. That is absolutely stupid because the crime, the penalty should reflect the severity of the crime.

If someone is a drunk driver, which is an act that is far more common than street highway closures due to protest. Drunk drivers shut down freeways all the fucking time, and I don't see a complaint about them to this severity, because you are apoplectic right now, but drunk drivers get in wrecks and they shut down the freeway for hours, sometimes five, six hours at a time versus this fucking freeway that just takes a few minutes. I get it. It's annoying. They're both annoying. But look at the severity of the crime. Why aren't you also suggesting that these people be put in jail forever? Or anyone else who shuts it down, like people who have accidents. Who cause accidents? Drunk drivers, people who don't have proper car.

people who don't properly tie things down on their car, a mattress or something that falls off, causes a 10 car pile up. People's lives are, you know, people's lives are destroyed, families are destroyed, cost insurance, millions of dollars. I mean, you don't think that a loose mattress is the same thing as a bunch of, as a guy like stopping traffic to propose to his girlfriend, though. But yeah, but I think that the mattress. Yeah, the guy proposing is a jackass, but that's a, you know, that was news because it happened so rarely. But the guy with a mattress, there's debris on freeways all the fucking time that causes huge accidents. I think that's a far bigger problem than, say, the one-off protests or the one-off guy proposing to his dipshit girlfriend, who, by the way, what Dick is referring to is this incident that happened where this guy proposed to his girlfriend,

he thought it'd be really romantic to get his friends to help shut down traffic, which was fucking awful, and everyone was pissed off at him. His girlfriend then, later on when they interviewed him on the news, because the guy went to jail, She said, oh, I thought it was really romantic. Fuck you. How about taking some accountability in this case and stepping back and saying, hey, bro, thanks for proposing,

but you just showed me that you're not qualified to sow my loins. So your seed in my loins. Yeah. I think the worst thing is that everyone would see it like that. That it was romantic? Yes. No, people were pissed.

People were pissed. But I think this is like, like, the idea of, the idea of stealing people's time is becoming, is becoming less offensive to people, I think. Like, the, the notion of making everyone sit there and witness this spectacle that you're doing is, like, we're whittling away at something that should be sacrosanct to me. Like, the idea of respecting other people's time and not, not personally. purposefully trying to destroy it, trying to cost people their time just so you can get more attention. Yeah. Well, this incident that we're talking about specifically this over the weekend, I think, there was a Trump rally in Arizona. Yeah.

And the protesters shut down the freeway, right? That's a bad move. You shouldn't shut down the freeway. Again, like I said, people have emergencies and they have to get through. People have things that are going on in their lives. You cannot shut down the lifeblood of the freeway for your political protest because both parties could do that. And if everyone just shut down every party all the time, then

what do we have? We have chaos and pandemonium. You shut down the country. Look, Trump is definitely a threat to America and our civil liberties and our way of life. Absolutely. Vote up fuckface Donald Trump. All right? It's a huge problem. I get it. But right now,

he's not a problem to the point of severity where you're shutting down freeways and causing traffic jams for miles and costing us millions of dollars. That's a bad move. But here's the part that I have a huge problem with, because both sides of the equation are wrong in this one. There was a guy who, in this protest video,

there's a protest video, someone posted, where a Jeep was just trying to start plow his way through these protesters. Dude, he was like letting his foot off the gas. That guy was going as slow as you can go through people that are standing there obstructing the freeway. You have a problem with that? Would you not be doing that? No, I would not be potentially running someone over.

All they have to do is step to the side. You're like going, you're going slower than you're going through a parking lot. But in the video, it's pandemonium. There's so many people, and some of their backs are turned. They're not paying attention. It's loud. You might not hear the car coming. You might not see if someone panics and starts screaming or falls down or trips or whatever.

The guy doesn't have time to react and you've killed someone, potentially. They should have brought in a steamroller and gone over these people. You cannot bring, you cannot move your car towards another person because that's attempted vehicular homicide. That's what that is. Well, that's what... Oh, boy. Here's Sean. 50 minutes in.

Yeah, 50 minutes in. Uh-huh. Welcome, Sean. Nice of you to join us, Sean. Was anyone blocking the freeway? Is that why it took you so long to get here? Your mic's live, by the way. Yeah.

Yeah. You guys started more or less on time. Okay. That's enough with the condescending tone from you, Sean. We're talking about people who block freeways and how they should all be shot. how they should be glued to the freeway comically with super glue and run over with a steamroller.

That's my position on it. I don't care whose side they're on. I don't care if they're pro-Trump or anti-Trump. I don't care if they're proposing to their wife or a man. I don't care if it's a gay proposal. If they're blocking the freeway, kill them. Very progressive of you, Dick. What the fuck?

Why does it, why do I need to tolerate their tantrums? Because you are in that society. You are being a big baby-back bitch right now, because this is specifically a Trump rally that they were protesting. You don't have this kind of reaction. You don't have this kind of reaction for drunk drivers. You don't have this kind of reaction for obstruction,

people who don't tie things down properly on their cars. All those other things that shut down freeways daily. This is an anomaly. And I've never seen you this pissed off about any of that other shit. Well, that's why I brought it in. Because I want to see if anyone is, like, everyone I've talked to is not as pissed off as I am. Like even people who are, well, I don't know if there's people

who are bigger Trump fans than me. but even people who are on the same side as me are like well you know what are you going to do like throw them in jail forever like what's the different you got a thousand people that you've let's say you've got 9,000 people

that you've delayed for an hour 10,000 people for an hour what's the difference doing that and detaining one guy for a year it's the same hours where at what point does it like where does it turn from being a crime you should go to jail for 20 years for

and something that you get put in plastic handcuffs and let out later that days you can go on Reddit and talk about what a big activist you are. Wait, catch me up. Who did this? A bunch of assholes did it at a Trump rally recently. In Arizona, over the weekend, Sean, a bunch of protesters shut down a freeway because they didn't like Trump and they didn't want the rally to go forward and they wanted to raise awareness for the car. In Arizona and they weren't killed? Right. Yeah. Well, so here's what happened. Arizona's like the biggest gun carrying state next to Texas.

Right. Maybe more. And by the way, this, it's basically their very. of a prank. Here's what, here's what happened, Sean. So during this protest, you know, again, they're wrong to shut down the freeway. I don't condone that at all. I think it's a, it's ridiculous. I don't think Trump is as an imminent threat to justify shutting down the freeway. But during the protest, a car started to slowly drive through the protesters. And people were screaming and jumping and freaking out. And they were telling the cop to, you know, to stop this guy because it's essentially attempted vehicular homicide. How the hell is he supposed to get through?

You don't. You just sits there until people leave? What are you suggesting, Dick? He run people over and kill them? Well, gosh, I don't know. If you walk onto a... Like, if you walk into danger, if you just run out onto the freeway real fast

and you get hit by a car, that's your fault. That's the real... But that's not what happened. But it should be the same fucking thing. It should be more comparable than that guy having to sit in his car and wait for you to end your tantrum that you're periscoping to the world. You know how sometimes athletes and fans get involved with each other?

Like a fan goes on the field or an athlete goes into the stands. Right. I heard someone put it perfectly. The athletes stay where they're supposed to be. The fans stay where they're supposed to be. And if neither one does, anything happens and it's all fair game. No, that's not legally, that's not how the law looks at it, Sean. Obviously not, but it should.

No, absolutely not. It should be. No, because if you are driving down the freeway, right? If you're crawling, they have time to get out of the way in your car. Yeah, but, Sean, if they don't, you don't have a right. You don't have a right to run people over because they won't move out of your way. I didn't say run people over. I mean, that's essentially what this guy was doing.

Now, let me get to the crux of this situation, why people were upset. You're not some geriatric in a farmer's market. Well, let's get to the crux of the issue here. They were turning to the cops and saying, hey, man, this guy is like trying to plow through us, do something. And the cop kind of just screamed. hysterically. That's murder! That's attempted murder!

Yeah, watch it. They were screaming hysterically about it. How fast was he going? Dude, he would like put his... About five to ten miles an hour. He pulled his foot off the break. Like, the guy's going as slow as possible to get through these cry bullies.

You aren't allowed to drive through people, period. You're not allowed to stage a protest on the freeway. Well, that's right, Sean, but the crime shouldn't be your life. The crime, excuse me, the penalty for staging a protest. protest shouldn't be murder. Yeah, true. The penalty for staging a protest. No, but they easily could have.

If someone panicked, if someone fell over, if there was a child the driver didn't see or something was going on on the freeway, I mean, it was pandemon if you saw what was going on. It might be because of the dipshits that were on the freeway. Look, the crime should be comparable if it's vehicular manslaughter

for me to inch through these dummies, then them being there in the first place should be a comparable prison term for incarcerations. me and thousands of other people when they don't have to get. You are so disingenuous because you don't have this kind of reaction to drunk drivers

which shut down freeways every fucking day in this country in every fucking state. Every day there's some shithead drunk driver who's shutting down the fucking freeway and I don't hear a single peep out of you or any of these crybaby dipshit. So let's step back off our high horse for a second and get some perspective here

because it's only political. This is only because it was a Trump rally and because of this dipshit cop didn't do his fucking job. Of course, look, you want to be an asshole and inch through traffic. Yeah, I don't give a shit either. But if you want to be a dip shit and inch through traffic, you're an asshole. And if you want to shut down the freeway, you're an asshole too.

They're both assholes. But the problem I have here is this cop didn't do his fucking job. Well, here's the thing, too. And I do agree with you that the potential damage is not equivalent. No, of course not. Oh, sorry, you were delayed, bro. Why? It's thousands of people.

It's tens of thousands of people. But it's 10,000 hours. First of all, it's not tens of thousands. What I'm saying, though, is the car can kill someone. Well, sure. Nobody's going to kill you in a car standing there. Right, right. Obviously more dangerous to pull through a crowd of people.

Right. It's obnoxious, for sure. They shouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have shut down the freeways. I'm totally 100% behind you. That's out of line, I think. Oh, yeah. Yeah, voted up.

Yeah. All right. Today's episode is brought to you by Audible, who's got more than 180,000 audiobooks and spoken word audio podcast. get a free 30-day trial at audiblepodcast.com slash biggest. I brought in some books that I want to check out. Because they always encourage us to go look at their offering. So as hosts, we can talk about exciting books that we want to read, right?

Yeah, what do you know that? Well, keep in mind that this, as a sponsored program, we are contractually, we, as in also you, not allowed to mock any of these titles before I read them. But these are titles I would really love to listen to. I'll go through them. The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump is on this lovely service. Fuck you, Dick.

No, no, nope, you can't. You can't. They'll take our money. Crippled America. How to Make America Great also an audiobook that I can't wait to listen to several times a day. I will pay to mock this book. I don't give a shit. Here we go.

You know what Dick, you said. No, hold on. Do it in a minute. You have to be quiet for a minute. Here's another one. Here's another audio book that you can check out. I really think I... This is a, I listened to a part of it before the show.

It's called Your Guide to Adult Coloring Books, Improved, Focus, Mental Bounds. Such an asshole. Here's another one. Adventurers coloring book. This is a real coloring book that you could listen to. Why would you want to listen to a coloring book? Baddicks, aren't you, don't you really want to find out what's in it? You know, it could be interesting.

I guarantee you want to at least go listen to the sample at audiblepodcast.com slash biggest to get a free 30-day trial by signing up there. There you go. You can listen to somebody coloring? I don't know, Sean. It may be... Go, listen, go download it. It may be ASM out of the lines.

Oh, hang on. No, you're right, Sean. It may be ASM. Have you heard of this ASM movement? No. It's like auditory, sensitive, masturbation, something. Whatever it is. Is that really what it is?

It's something like that. It's this phenomenon where people like to hear sounds that are appealing to them. So there are all these videos on YouTube. To me, it's super creepy. It makes my skin crawl. But if you go to YouTube, there's all these, like, women and men who are whispering and they're reading books or they're doing things. like scratching a table with a comb.

So it gets people off. I guess, or it supposedly relaxes them. But to me, it's super creepy. Oh, that's weird. So maybe that's what these coloring books are, is the sound of a crayon going back and forth on a... No, it's not. I listen to the sample way better than that.

Is it really? Yeah. Go check it out. 30-day trial. All right. I am actually intrigued. I'm going to do that right after the episode. I also, here's another one I thought it would be good.

Beautiful Rewins. I thought it was beautiful rims. But I was mistaken. But you're preoccupied with rims. Ever since the little incident with your... Yeah, you know, putting the wrong rims on the car. He got a bad rim job. That's the problem. I think you've got to go back to about...

Brain damage. Episode two. Brain damage. Episode five. Five, is it really? Uh-huh. Yeah, that was a long time ago. All right, Dick, thank you guys. Thank you for supporting us. Thank you, Audible, for supporting the show.

It really helps us. Check it out. Thank you. I got another big problem, though, Dick. Okay. Moving on. And this may be a solution based on what you just said with your last problem, but it's too much junk in the...

trunk. Oh, you walked in at the perfect time, Sean. Welcome, Sean. And I'm not talking about juicy asses, Sean. I know what you're thinking. Is that a cleverly crafted pun? You just... Yeah.

I don't know. Is it a pun? I don't know. Is it a double entendre? No. No, you're right. It's a double entendre. Yeah.

I don't have a problem with juicy asses. I can handle the biggest ass with a plum, buddy. Yeah. I'm talking about literal junk in your car trunk. Yeah. Yeah. And I heard, Sean, I have a good authority that you are a person I should talk to. garbage. You have a lot of garbage in your car?

It's not garbage. It's a bunch of stuff I don't use. Really? That is the definition of garbage. No, there's even like, there's microphones that spill out every time I open the door of your car. Oh, no, no, no, no. Those are like to check mixes. I clean those out like once a week. I'm constantly

burning CDs and throwing it. You got to do the car test. They're always on the floor. I think you need a hoarding intervention. If you think that's normal, what you've got going on in your car. And I'm guilty of this as well. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen your car. You got a bunch of garbage. You know what I always have?

I have empty Coke bottles. Yeah, Coke bottles and CDs. I got my car broken into the day after Christmas one year. Like horrible time to break into Simmons' car. I know this story. And I came down, I got a truck. And it was the F-150, that model, the window, was really easy to jimmy open in the back.

So it would get broken into all the time. Like, I knew it was a design flaw. So they didn't break the window, they just slid it open? No, you just jammed. a screwdriver in and then pop it open and like the windows are so flexible and there's no like there's no the sliding window in the back so flexible and there's

no support in the right place so the whole thing will flex so you can just pop it off the latch and slide the window open it happened to me so much that I just never left anything valuable in my car in fact I left a screwdriver in the bed because I would lock my keys in the car so often that I would have to break into my own truck

so the day after Christmas this guy's thinking he pops open my truck and there is there looks like the Grinch's sack of treasures in my passenger seat right like it's just it's full of stuff um jokes on him because it was all fast food rappers and bags like he stole he stole probably four cubic feet of garbage out of my car and i was happy i was so happy about like i was disappointed that somebody broke into my car after christmas thinking they'd steal all my stuff and then I was so proud or so happy that they've got a bunch of trash right and got totally fucked but then I was like ooh but also why did you let it get so bad that you had like a treasure

trove of garbage in your car that's too bad yeah enjoy my garbage idiot uh my car so that's interesting that your car got broken into the day after Christmas my car got broken into a long time ago on uh Thanksgiving um it was either Thanksgiving or the day before Thanksgiving but I wanted to do Not after? That's when the shopping would be. Like, you break into cars when there's going to be stuff in them. I think it happened just either on Thanksgiving or the day before. Maybe it was the day after.

I don't remember. But my car got broken into, and I wrote about this on my website, too. And I was kind of curious because maybe holidays are really common time when cars are broken into. Because a lot of people are out of town, that sort of thing. So anyway, my car got broken into. I go downstairs in my car, and I see just glass everywhere. They shattered the window. It's such a bad feeling.

Yeah, I felt like shit, man. I got that sinking feeling. It felt like such a violation. And I opened the door. I couldn't even sit inside my car because there was so much broken glass everywhere. And I'm doing an assessment of the damage. They took my coin, you know, my coin collection.

My coin collection, my change, you know. I had some real rare coppers in there. I would not be surprised if you had a coin collection, like a legit. 19 pennies all stuck together. From what? From what, John? It's always like soda. You never had anything like the dreamt a nautical collection.

No, it wasn't a jackoff into change joke. Yeah, my coins were... Way too early in the show for that. No, it's not, Sean. You're just late. I had a gig. Oh, Sean, you had a gig. What was your gig? You're recording someone coloring with crayons?

He was at a Trump radio. Yeah, exactly. I do all of audibles. No, he wasn't in a Trump radio. His Trump audio is fucking terrible. Anyway. Oh, my God. So anyway, I go downstairs and all my shit's gone, right?

My coin little tray has been ripped out. They ripped it out. They looked through all my stuff. The glove compartment was open. They took a bunch of stuff. One thing, though, I had this binder of CDs, and I went through the CDs. They cut the front of the CD case because maybe they thought I was hiding money or something in there. But they cut the open, the front of the CD binder.

And then I was going through my CDs expecting all of them. to be gone. First of all, why didn't you take the whole fucking thing? But then I went through and I noticed that some of my CDs were gone, which to me was even more insulting because now, not only are you stealing from me, yeah, but you're judging my taste in music, dickhead. Just take

all my fucking CDs. Don't condescend to me by leaving me a few that you didn't like. What did they leave? What did they take? They took, so I... They left Aisa Bays. Spind Doctors, they leave that one. I had a lot of, I believe it was, I had some old

Cypress Hill CDs, some Beastie Boys, some metal, Sepaltura, that sort of thing. And I also had a lot of video game CDs in there because I listened to a lot of video game music. And they took some of them. They left behind the rare ones, thankfully. But man, yeah, that really pissed me off. And then, this is my favorite part. They stole, I had this huge collection of sunglasses, but they were all the shittiest sunglasses from like CVS, like the $3 ones, you know? Because those are exactly the same as like a, you know.

Yeah, exactly. Essentially, yeah. So they took, oh, my shitty $3 sunglasses. And I did the, and they took my paycheck from work a long time ago. So I did the math and I added everything up and I'm like, oh, this isn't that much. I'm actually okay. And the most expensive thing I had in my car were my school books, which easily added up to say $600, $600 in my trunk. There were my physics books, my history books, everything.

So much more valuable than everything they took. one of those books would have brought them way more money than everything they took. Where on the black book market? You could just sell it at the university bookstore for half of list. Take it in? Yeah.

Did they take your telemarketing manual? You know, fuck you, Sean. No, I still have that. Well, wait a minute. You didn't have a fake CD case in your car with your real one under the floor mat or something? I did have two CD cases.

Early Maddigs. A lot of learning to do. Yeah. A lot of senility to go through. Oh, man. And you know, The worst part, too, is after my car got broken into, the next day it got broken into again. Oh, yeah, that's happening.

After I taped up the window, right? I just put a plastic bag on it. They came back to hit my car again. I'm like, what are you guys going to take, you idiots? You already took everything except for my school books, which I removed from my car. Morons. These, my car got broken into, I forget, it was some, it was a half day. It was a school half day.

And I was parked near the mall. And he's someone, it got broken. to and they stole a GameCube out of the front seat. But this was at a time when like the GameCube was, you could buy one on eBay for like $4, right? Like this was not a big score. No. So I was like, hmm, so I started doing a little CSI work on all the,

on the smashed up window, and I found on the window, some of the shards and on the car had a little bit of chocolate on them. Ah. So from that moment on, whenever I was there, I would look for little fat kids walking around to see if I could go up and interrogate them. Yeah. What kind of shithead is walking along eating a candy bar?

Big Butterfingers. Big Butterfingers. I need that GameCube. Yeah, well you need it more than we do, buddy. Anyway, back to the problem. Too much junk in your trunk, Dick. Oh, yeah. We all have too much shit in our trunks, which is a problem because we're all pissing money, time, and fuel hauling useless

shit around with us, Sean. According to otoblog.com, the EPA says that for every hundred pounds, out of the vehicle, fuel economy is increased by 1 to 2%. Based on a gallon of gasoline costing $2.58, this translates to a savings of between 3 and 5 cents per gallon. So for a smaller car with a 1.6 liter engine, reducing weight by 5% led to an increase in fuel economy of 2.1% on the EPA combined rating. Eliminating 10% of the weight gave a 4.1% mileage boost and a dramatic 20% weight at 8.4% with an 8.4%.

percent fuel economy increase. I'm drowning in numbers over here. So basically... Saving money. Saving 10% or 20% of your gas? Somewhere between 2 and 20% depending on how much weight you remove from your car. And also from yourselves, people, too.

Hit a fucking treadmill. Yeah. Throw your wife out of the car. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know... Saving money. Maybe if you're stuck on the freeway, maybe Shalano join the protesters. According to the U.S. Energy Information Administration,

We use about 140 billion gallons of gasoline per year, so I did the math here. So if we're spending $2.58 per gallon, that's $354 billion per year we spend on gas. So just by removing some things from your trunk, right? If you say between 2 and 8%, just by clearing out your trunk, that translates to anywhere from $7 to $28 billion in savings every year. Really? Yeah. Wait a minute.

How much does everybody have to remove? About 100 pounds. Dude, your problem should have been spare tires. Because what are spare tires? They got to be like 100 pounds. No, I'd say like 40, 50 at most. With the rim? Yeah.

Spare tires are big, man. 100 pounds, you think? Well, I definitely, I would say between 50 and 100. Let's say, okay, let's say 50. I think it's closer to 50. Let's say 50. I can lift those with my pinky. I can put one around my dick.

Like, they're no problem to lift for me. I mean, but you're driving like a four-banger. So do they have like a Hot Wheels car. spare tire. Real man's car's got a real big spare tire. I got a three, no, I got a six-cylinder dickhead. But my point is, how much are spare tires costing by your math? That's true, right? If everybody's hauling around a spare tire and it costs how many billions of dollars for a hundred pounds? Seven, it's about two percent, two percent gas savings. So it translates to about three to five cents per gallon. So if you are, if you have a full spare and you have, say, a 1.6 liter engine.

and you have your, let's just say, let's go with your estimate of 100 pounds per tire. Sure. So it's about five cents per gallon. Each engine takes about 12, each tank holds about 12 gallons of gas. So that's about 60 cents per trip, or per full load that you would be saving.

Well, that's the biggest thing I can think to take out of a car. Like all that fast food garbage, I had a mark car, probably weighed like. Well, this begs the obvious question, though. What do you do if you get a flat tire? Does everybody get run flats? Everybody have AAA. Hitchhike.

Hitchhike. Triple A. Yeah, like the savings, I think, would be bigger than all those AAA cars driving around. What is AAA? I've never had AAA. I always fixed my own car. What does AAA cost?

It's cheap. It's cheap. Yeah, 12 bucks a year? Yeah, like a year. So for those who don't know who are not in the U.S., AAA is a car service that a lot of drivers have.

Surprisingly, a lot of drivers have out here. Oh, yeah. It's awesome. And you don't have to wait in line at the DMV. You can just go to triple The AAA office and do all your registration stuff there. What? No, that's the best reason to have it.

Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah! You can change ownership. Yeah, like Dick said, do your vehicle registration and stuff. It's the best reason to have it. If you never use it on the road, it's worth it for that alone. What do you think everyone's just locking their keys in their car five times a year?

Like, what kind of fucking idiot would be doing that? I do that everyone. This is actually, you guys are selling me on AAA. They should be a fucking sponsor. You know what? Delete this, Sean, until we get AAA to pay us for this. Yeah. Anyway, man, yeah, that's a lot of savings, potentially.

$7 to $28 billion per year that America could be saving just by taking a few extra things out of your car. And by the way, the spare tire, sure, that could, that's maybe anywhere from 50 to 100 pounds if you have a full spare, which nobody does anymore. That was our compromise. It's somewhere between our initial first guess. Yeah.

Yeah. But even without that, just go through your trunk, people. Clear out the shit. And also, you're going to waste a lot of time. Every time you have groceries or something, you want to put in your trunk, you got to rearrange everything. You have to move things around that you never touch. People have golf clubs in there. They have spare...

They have their canoe. They have spare... What else? Anyway. They're anvils. Their book of cliches. Their anvils. They're big black bombs.

They're round ones. I took a girl home from a bar one time. A bar slash miniature golf course. It was a great place. A place I Sean and I went to all the time. He had to fill up a gas halfway home. No, it's even worse.

I get that shit. I had so much garbage in my front seat that I just said like, fuck it, I put my jacket over the garbage like a Victorian man putting a jacket over.

Yeah, that's what she said. I'm like, look, I mean, you're already getting in so sorry. The rest of my house isn't like this. It's a bad tilt. Oh, that's a bad tilt. Girls, don't go home with that guy.

Just walk away. I have a lot of friends who have surprisingly messy cars who get laid surprisingly a lot for how messy their cars are. Well, you can tell when a guy is dating a girl what stage he is in the relationship too because his car will go from being spotless to slovenly

over like a period of, of two or three months, right? Yeah, you're nodding, like, you do the same thing, right? Yeah, it's a good tell. Yeah, well, mine gets slovenly if I'm dating someone because she's the one making it slovenly. I always clean up after myself, and then after you date a girl, there's always

fucking hairbands, the little bobby pins, chapstick fucking everywhere melting on your seat. You get a big pile of, you get this, like, oil slick of chapstick on your seat, lipstick smudges everywhere, all over my junk. Chicks do love their chapstick. Yeah. Here's my problem. Acne. Acne. Acne. It's the most common skin condition in the United States affecting up to 50 million Americans annually.

How about that? Yeah, it can be a big problem, but isn't this a problem of vanity, Dick? What's the root cause of this? What do you mean, isn't this a problem of vanity? What's a bigger concern than vanity? Yeah, I guess, like, murder. I don't know. Would you rather be ugly or be murdered? Uh,

it's a toss-up. It's a toss-up, Dick. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, man. Acne causes significant physical and psychological problems such as permanent scarring, poor self-image, depression, and anxiety. Uh, and it costs, let's see, it costs $3 billion a year in treatment. It's more than forest fires.

Problem you brought in. Oh, that's true, yeah. Two billion. Forest fires. Five, five. Vote down forest fires. All I'm saying is acne is a bigger problem. than forest fires.

That is objectively true. Yeah. Okay. Okay, you'll give me that. I'll give me that. I'm pulling you in slow. Never admit to stuff like that. No.

Five million doctor visits in the U.S. I don't know if that's more than AIDS because I didn't look it up. So I will have to see how the voting ends up on that one. I think AIDS is a bigger problem than acne, Dick. Every problem in the universe, from AIDS to acne, I guess, is what you're saying. Well, not for teenagers.

Not for teenagers. Maybe we got some teenagers. Maybe we got some teenagers listening. It would be AIDS to Zitz, wouldn't it? AIDS to Zits! Oh, you did it. Acne to Zitz. How about that?

Acne to Zitz. There's an actual... No, no, no, no. No, that's the same thing. AIDS is extreme and depressing and Zits is trivial. AIDS to Zitz. That's funny. Fucking Sean.

Sean, you redeemed yourself. You get all 100% of your money back for this episode. Burger King on Sean. Yeah, right. So I found out in my research that acne is not caused by diet and dirty skin. Like I always people say it's caused by diet, right? You're eating too many greasy of juice or chocolate. Not true at all.

It's genetic. So it's your parents' fault. Fucking parents, man. Vote up families. Yeah, vote up families. Dick, I heard a tip a long time ago. I think I was watching Conan O'Brien way back in the day. And there was an actress on there talking about how she never gets acne.

And the tip is really simple. She says, just change your pillow sheets regularly. which nobody ever does. Most people I know never change their pillow sheets and they're really gross. It just collects a bunch of crap and that crap gets in your skin pores and it fogs you up.

Pillow sheets. Your pillow sheets. You have pillowcases. You have pillows. Yeah, pillowcases. Oh. You don't have sheets on your... No, it's just the pillows.

Oh, gross, man. Hold that chilly. I'm joking. It makes sense because you're getting all the oil and shit from the... I don't know. It just seems like it would be. It's one of those things.

It's like the common cold for, yes, vanity. Like, everybody has all these cockamamie schemes to try to make it better. But still somehow it's here. Like, have chicken soup. Like, really? I'm still, I still have a cold for seven days. Like, oh, change your sheets. Like, oh, I still look like a pizza face.

Yeah. Who are you, Miss Model? You're telling me to change my sheets? Well, I don't want to undermine the importance of looking good. Because for people who have acne, especially severe acne, it does factor significantly into their lives. Their self-confidence, their self-worth, their self-image is impacted by their acne

and how they feel about themselves. Oh, yeah, for the rest of their lives sometimes. Yeah, and I've known people who've had very severe acne who have spent a lot of time and money trying to deal with this perceived problem, essentially... And it's not really a problem. No. But it is.

Yeah. Right? I mean, you know, attractive people don't have to worry about this, and they take it for granted like myself. But people who have acne for them... Do you? Did you have acne problem when you were a teenager? No, I never have.

Oh, wow, you got good genetics then. I had a... You should sell that semen on your store. Oh, yeah. I should sell my loads. Acne-free kids right here, Maddox store. I actually had, a long time ago, a lesbian couple reached out to me, and they wanted me to insaminate them.

They said they wanted a kid, and they wanted me to be the donor. Huh. How cool is that? They were serial killers. They were not serial killers. I guarantee you they were serial killers. killers. No, they were not. They told me they wanted to scissor it out of me.

Well, what did they look like? That's important. Okay, Scarlett Johansson. No, that's the kind of email where you get, you know what? I appreciate it very much. Do not send me a picture of what you look like. No. I want to fantasize about it forever. I still am fantasizing about it. Are you kidding me? Probably looked like Larry the cable guy. Get out of here, Sean.

You know what? Still, lesbians. And by the way, I'd still do it. I think that's pretty cool. Even if they looked like Larry the cable guy and Bill Engval with Mullets? Fuck it. Because here's the thing. I want to see that offspring. My spawn is going to be handsome as fuck.

Girl or guy is going to be handsome. Yeah? Yeah. Why? Because of my good genes, man. Does that necessarily work, though? Do, uh, or is this a two wrongs make a right, are you saying? Or this is this is one right and a, and a mis?

and we don't know makes a right. It's kind of like a plus two and a negative one, right? You still get plus one. Okay. There you go. Well, acne, it's a big problem. 65 million people. It affects, let's see, it affects 90% of people in Western societies

during their teenage wars. It affects 50% of people over the age of 25. That sucks. 50% of people over the age of 25. That's interesting. People don't realize how much there is. If you look around, like adult, Acne is rampant.

Oh, yeah, dude. That's the weird thing. Some of it never goes away. It lessens after your teenage years, but some of it never goes away. Now, everybody here has pretty clear skin. No, I have. My filthy Mexican skin, it may look beautiful and tanned all year round. It's resilient to the sun, right?

And women love it, but, oh, my God. It's like the fifth plague is trying to break through it all times. I wake up as a cyclops all the time. Huh. Deshawn, have you ever dealt with acne or something? Yeah, I mean, I had normal teenage acne, I think. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Maybe, yeah, normal. You know what? You know how you fix acne in a generation? You just cast a bunch of pockmarked people's faces into TV shows and movies for one generation. Yeah, for one generation and done. Then you don't have to worry about it anymore. So you think it's all a societal thing. Oh, absolutely.

Because when I was in teenager, I looked back at pictures of me as a teenager, I'm like, oh my God, this is disgusting. Like this child, this boy looks like a leper. throw him into the sea. But I don't remember it affecting my... Like, I never thought of it. It was just like... And, you know, maybe that's early signs of a serial killer or something.

Like, it just never had an effect on me at all. That's why I brought it in. I always felt bad for those kids, like, who just had... Their face was one big Zit. Because it's the first thing people see. Hmm. Yeah.

You know? Well, I noticed there were two different types of those kids, Sean. In my school, there were the kids who had severe acony who left it alone and they just lived their lives. And it was no big deal. You never thought. of it. Then there were the kids who picked at it and they were constantly like

just volcanic eruptions in class coming in like blood running down their chin their head and their eyes. They just look like they got hit in the face with a paddleboard and you look at them and you're like dude it was way better before you started picking at it. Stop digging it yourself. By the way

those little scratches you're making into your skin are abrasions that may never heal properly cut it out. You're in your formative years. Leave it alone. Maybe it'll clear up maybe it won't. It's not the end of the world. I won't. It's genetic. Nothing you can do. Yeah. Nothing you can do. Proactive.

Oh, then I found that there's like, that that doesn't work. And what I was reading was saying that all these creams and whatever are just huge scams. You think? How could they not be? I mean, think about it from like a cosmetics company. You can't prove or disprove any of that shit. Like anti-wrinkle cream. I don't know. What did you get every woman on earth?

Did you have a parallel universe? where the same woman took this cream for 30 years, and this woman, she's slightly less wrinkly? Like, how can you possibly make that claim or not make that claim? Of course they're going to take advantage. Well, they have the before and after pictures, which to me sometimes, if they're honest, they're compelling. But this is something that I'm really curious about,

the whole cosmetic industry. There's so many claims on these fucking bullshit-ass shampoos and shit. Any time I think... The hair-regrowing shampoos? Is that what you're talking about? No. The default victim to a hairy-growing shampoo? Because those don't work.

I know for a fact those don't work. I read a lot of pamphlets that say they don't work. I did very thorough research on those, okay? I was talking to somebody who works for a huge cosmetics firm, and they also make, like, shampoos and conditioners and stuff, and she's like, it's pretty much all the same thing. Oh, of course it is. They've done tests.

She goes, yeah, it's the same thing. Also, the biggest scam. One of the biggest scams for me is things that claim to increase your hair volume. Now, this is something that is so nebulous to me. Like, how do you increase your volume? Are you literally coating each fiber of hair with some kind of weird gunk that makes it look a little bit thicker? Just a little bit thicker? Because if so, how long does it stay that way?

And why doesn't it wash off? And why is it only sticking to my hair follicles for some reason? It's all really, it seems like pseudoscience with a pinch of bullshit and voodoo. Yeah. That's the entire cosmetics industry. I've been wanting to talk about this for a while. Anyway, good problem, Dick. I'm glad you brought that in.

Is that all you got? Yeah, that's all I got. All right, guys. My problems this week were murders and too much junk in your trunk. My problems are road blockheads. And acne. See you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday, too, Sean.

See, here, this guy left you a voicemail. Hey, John, this is Rob Lowe. I'm calling you because I have need of someone who didn't work out for them. Uh-oh. Let's see. Here's one. Oh, this is... Melissa McCarthy called in.

The new... There's been new Ghostbusters move. Oh, yeah. ...that came out. You know? Oh, she called that. Oh, she called that. Oh, she called that.

Oh, she called that. Hey, guys. This is Melissa McCarthy. So I've wanted to say, the problem with the Ghostbusters and Big Tearkin. Is she eating? I mean, well, of course she's eating. It was bullshit.

And your male tears were salty enough to fill my eye, salt. I am. She laughed. No, she got winded. I mean, that happens. I just want to say, fuck you. I hope she's okay.

One last one from weird Matthew McCona. Maybe it had a while. Oh, Max. She just made me think of a story, Broce. So, you got this friend named Stu. And, me and my other friend

a guy but like I think like 50 crickets when I were to his apartment while we knew he was back home

and he has one of those fucking mail slot to the door and he just poured the crickets

to there you just poured the cricket to there and wait a wait a I'm getting

confused looks do you hear what he's saying no for some reason I can understand him

I thought he said tickets. He's talking about crickets. He's talking about crickets. Oh, he bought a bunch of crickets. And then when his friend wasn't home, his friend Stu, him and his other friends, his other probably great guys friends, went over to Stu's house

and dumped the crickets through the mail slot. Oh, my gosh. We just never said anything. And then when we can't pass back of the 50 more crickets. This time is

fucking roommate came rolling up as I was putting him in. So I had to, like, pull the bag back and, like, sneak into my pocket. And I was like, oh, hey, what's up, Colin? I was like, a stew home. Oh, he went home for the weekend? Shit.

Well, uh, but see you later, broskey. Master and Sunderbjure. Anyway, I wasn't as tight with Colin as I was with Stu, But apparently, Colin was like, yo, I think Trenton was trying to break into our fucking apartment. I mean, I think Weird McCannam.

Weird McCona. I was trying to get into that. That's my cricket story. I wish I lived near you. I'd fucking put little solo parachutes for crickets. I'd fucking parachute. Those little bitches ran to your place. Even if you're on the first floor, I'd still give it.

Still home. Fuck you, Trent. You're not getting anywhere near my house. I'm a fucking phone machine, bitch. Don't doubt me. Mail you something. She fucking peel box lady wasn't so in that. All the crickets will die.

Yeah, that's hilarious. Oh, man. If I get any packages that chirp, I'm throwing that shit away. Where do you think he lives? It's got to be somewhere in the Midwest. An M-State for sure. Mississippi, Michigan, Milwaukee, something. He does have an accent.

Yeah. Yeah. Something wrong. Where does Matthew McConaughey live? That's where he lives. He lives in all of us. You should hope not.