The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Biggest Problem CALL-IN SPECTACULAR #2

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an hour which will burn out in history. It's that show you love to know, the show you love to be a part of, the show that Americans around the world are listening to. It's the biggest problem in the universe. The biggest problem in the Universe. I'm, of course, Vito. Obviously, as you may have noticed, we are not at Dick's Mountain Bunker. We are instead in my shitty office.

But yeah, The Biggest Problem in the Universe tonight will be a live call-in show where you, the viewer, will be sharing with us what you believe are the biggest problems in the universe. Dick is, of course, overdosing on drugs in a Nevada desert somewhere. I don't know why. I don't know why that's exciting for him, but go nuts. I don't know why that's exciting for him, but go nuts. I, of course, am here to do the work, to bring you guys the show that you deserve, that some of you pay for. Shin-Chan says, what a letdown. Well, it's either this or no show, motherfucker.

So at least you got something. But without further ado, let's just do this thing. what is the biggest problem in the universe okay so i i'm sure you've heard about the situation but there was a uh advance wars remake coming out for the switch yes i was super excited for that because you know you finally get to play advance wars online against people those classic games they're super fun uh to this very day you go back and play them and they still hold up um great this they're supposed to come out december 2021 got delayed okay it happens no big deal then they're supposed to come out april 8th guess what happens uh you uh russia starts their campaign in Ukraine and Nintendo just decides

to delay the game indefinitely. And right now, the game is done. It's ready to release. And we still have had no word about when it's going to come out. I don't know why. They could have delayed it a month. Again, this game is called Advance Wars. And because there's a war in Ukraine, they delayed the game.

There's war games all the fucking time! Call of Duty just came out. They didn't say, say oh we can't put this out because of ukraine so so that is annoying but i think my problem is really the nintendo 69ers you know do you know what i'm referring to they want to suck nintendo off no matter what they do nintendo sucks them off with like obvious nostalgia bait that doesn't lead to any meaningfully good gameplay and then they suck Nintendo off by defending nonsensical decisions like everything

they do oh they gotta make money somehow no you have forgotten your role you are the consumer you make the demands and if Nintendo doesn't meet them you don't buy the game I like this problem the Nintendo fun club where they they excuse everything nintendo does because i like nintendo i think sometimes sometimes

people complain about stupid shit with nintendo they're like why don't they just let people put out pokemon games for free and i'm like because they want to make money you dumb but they do do a lot of where they you know don't put out enough product or they limit the supply and they're they're the closest game company to being salvageable and uh you know we gotta we gotta steer them in the right direction we can't be reinforcing these yeah they do get a pass it's the same with apple fanboys though too it's like apple will be like hey here's a 1500 monitor stand and people go that's fine mean, it's high quality, whatever the fuck. And it does one less thing than the previous generation. Hopefully you won't

notice. Tech fanboys are the problem, but I'll put down Nintendo 69ers. That's a good little... I get what you did there. I understand. Thank you, Vlad Stanley. That's Vlad Stanley. I'm kicking from the studio. So I will be kicking you after you're done

so we can make room for more people. Here's a classic, I believe, front of the show. Is this Jetpack figured? Hey, Vito. Thanks for having me on the program. I'm excited to have you. You actually put your camera on.

All these guys are pussies. They got a little stupid. Look at this guy. He's like Pac-Man. Get out of here. I like Pac-Man Sonic. It's pretty cool. Pac-Man Sonic. Put your fucking webcam on, you pussies. It's better. Anyway, Jetbat... I mean, the

question is obvious. What is the biggest problem in the universe? Vito, the biggest problem in the universe is there are no good porn games. i wholeheartedly agree with this what is going on it's the future we should have a million of them i mean maybe vr porn games but i'm still unconvinced and i can't say i've seen too many out there but standard porn video games i mean you go to these porn websites and they say

play this game you're not going gonna last five seconds without blowing loads It's bullshit. It's false advertisement. And they literally they always go you're not gonna last more than 20 seconds And I'm like, that's not even a game. That's just Miss Incredible getting railed by fucking Goofy that's not in the game. Then you click on the game. It's like some match three bullshit Goes back to another classic biggest problem misleading game ads i just keep lying to us don't even get me started like i don't i don't understand somebody's saying what about honey pop yeah but it's like again it's like a match three who cares okay yeah b this is where i'm coming from veto sure i know there are a lot of anime

fucking dorks and dweebs out there i respect the hustle comma however when i go and find all these anime porn games sure we got some nice big titties but they're non-animated they're not voice acted it's why is the company not stepping up we have son Sony and Microsoft to make the gun shooting games. We have Nintendo to make stuff for your kids. Why is there no company saying we're making the world's first sex console? All the games, you're going to bust a nut. It's got a hole in the side to accept your fluids, which you can turn into e-coins to spend on new outfits for the girls.

Like, this is what we want. Couldn't the blockchain accommodate such a thing? We deserve this as men. We're in a very de-sexed society. We're like the most sexual society ever, but we're also the most afraid of sex society ever.

It's like either all or nothing, man. Vito, at this point point I want my next Xbox console to just be Phil Spencer's face with a big O ready to take me and all of my length I just think that there should be a Sony

sex doll that I can buy like they have the technology I saw some videos one time of some saw some videos one time with some japanese guy and he had like a vr sex doll and then on the screen there was like a lady sucking his dick and i was like oh good we're only a couple years away but it's always that shit where they're like oh we're only a couple years away from you know curing cancer and they never cure cancer and uh it's the same with the sex doll we're never

gonna get it they're just gonna keep teasing it and never actually make it happen and it drives me nuts if you know that's far better than everything else that i see that's currently on the market which is a bunch of reading and what do i get rewarded for the reading it's some boobies but i have to do reading and i don't like reading you know we don't even have yeah this is this seed that even the original nintendo promised we were going to get naked ladies and then i don't know what happened we this was like this was like in 1989 or some shit they're like yeah there's gonna be titties fly you earn more titties by playing the game where are the titties by the way oh wait there was some. Oh, wait, there's more boobies

than just the lady. Oh, there we go. Way to go, Hotshot. Care to lather me up. This is what we want. Why are we not getting more of this? This is our primary use case for technology, Vito. This is what we deserve. Thank you, Jetbat, for coming by.

Good old Jetbat telling us we deserve more sexy video games and i don't disagree i really don't uh let's uh jehovah god is here complaining about me making fun of him let's see uh jahawick are you there yeah uh what's the biggest problem in the universe buddy the biggest problem in the universe, buddy? The biggest problem in the universe is Phase 4 Marvel. Phase 4 Marvel. Well, I thought Phase 4, is that the one that just finished?

I think so. It's the one with the new She-Hulk. So, like, the most recent episode of She-Hulk has her, like, twerking and shit. Yeah, I saw that. Twerking She-Hulk. What is the problem with the? She'll tell me I this so like we quit from Avengers back in like what 2011 where we had like Like I watched the latest more Mahler video and he like summed up why I had problems with the latest Doctor Strange movie,

and it's just a continuing problem with all of Marvel's garbage. It's just terrible. Okay, but isn't the whole point of the She-Hulk show is that I've got a big, sexy, green lady? Why are you telling me I don't want to see your ass going up and down? Why is that bad? It's probably not bad to watch but like it's probably not bad to like look at that but like everything about everything else is like she hawks is just like an unlikable like cunt of a character i know the show's bad but like now i'm picturing her green i mean the only problem with this scene is that she's

wearing a full suit she should have took off her pants so uh i could see that big green ass jumping up and down that's really that's the complaint you should have brought well she is more attractive when she's she hulk yeah yeah i mean i'm i've if she all wanted to, you know, pick me up and I don't know, let me suckle gently on her green bosom. I'd allow it. I'd allow it to happen. I'd find her so much more attractive if she just wasn't such a bitch. She's being a bitch. A bitch.

Yes. She's terrible. I'm going to say this. Look, I think there's complaints about the She-Hulk show. We talked about the She-Hulk show. On the Monday Night Grulk show on the Monday night Griff on the Monday night Griff as well as biggest problem look the some of the I need to watch the new episode I'm watching the episode, but I don't understand. I keep seeing people going. I don't know why she holds twerking

I'm going will you shut up motherfucker. There's a good thing. They've ever done on the show It's the only thing you should be saying is why she's not wearing a bikini and ever big green titties spill all over the screen Well, it's going to peak here, Vito. No, no, no. She's going to deep throat fucking the abomination in the next episode. That's my prediction. That's what I

want and that's what I deserve. Yeah, so yeah, go ahead and sip on it. Phase 5 Marvel or Phase 4. Whatever the fuck it is. Sip on your, like, I have regular lemonade today.

There's a heat wave in California. I need this. Yeah, I bet it's fucking hot over there. I'm over here in the east. Baby. Yeah, it's too hot. East Coast. Alright, Joe. Terrible fucking problem. Thank you.

Marvel. We're upset about Marvel. As Shin-Chan says, what is this, Yellow Flash? I might as well just watch Sheetless Yellow Flash. Come on. The big green lady's shaking her ass. That's exciting to me. I'll try to knock some people out here.

Let's go. Guess who? How are you? Oh, no. No. Can you hear me i hope the audio is working this week my friend veto oh i should have looked closer at the goddamn avatar it's the damn niggler appearance, and I got to be honest, I don't like it. I'm worried.

What do you have in store for us this week, Niggler? You bastard. Well, Vito, I'll tell you what the biggest problem in the universe is. What is it? And it may surprise you. Okay. It's the Republican Party. Wow.

The Republicans. How are the Republicans the biggest problem in the universe? Why? What else? They're super tough on crime, don't you know? Right. And I sure do hate that. The Democrats let me get away with whatever i want that's why i

vote for them every year you dislike the tough on crime policies of the republicans which are preventing you from your niggling ways exactly plus they're all rich people. And you know what? I think the Batman may also be a rich person, and I hate the Batman. I know you hate the Batman. He is one of your primary enemies. He probably is a rich guy with all that stuff he's got. I don't know who it is, but I'm going to figure it out i swear it well i'm sure you could i'm sure you'll figure out who that batman is someday niggler do you have any uh words for dick who is uh in the desert getting uh blasted at burning man oh i'm sure he's having a wonderful time getting high out of his gourd, burning men, smoking on cocks and whatnot.

Yeah, that's what they do. It's just a big gay festival. Yep. Well, Niggler, you sure have niggled us once again. Yes, I have. I do have many more points against the Republican Party, but I don't want to take up too

much of your time. I save that for the voicemails. There'll be plenty more time for you to niggle us in the future. Get the fuck out of here, niggler, you son of a bitch. How's the niggler, everyone? Great. So glad that the niggler, everyone? Great.

So glad that the niggler made an appearance. What a nightmare. Sid Huen is here. Sid, how are you? Oh, I'm doing good. How are you, Vito? I'm doing well, Sid. Where are you calling from, by the way? Massachusetts. Oh, my

home state. Oh, yeah. It's horrible. Yeah. It's a hippie nightmare Well I look forward to finding out from you A Massachusetts native What is the biggest problem in the universe It's gotta be No credit This is something that

People may know from here It's Sean's very own album The second track I played bass on sean's very own album the second track i played bass on sean's very own album and somebody see i'm out of the loop sean it was sean what do you mean he has an album was he the singer was he the guitarist no it was uh you remember sean's dance correct sean stance Sean Stantz No who Okay

So Bad Eater made an album For Sean and dedicated to him It was a thing on the Dick Show The show on the Audio Engineer And I got no credit He asked me do you want money Do you want this that And I'm like no just throw me in the credits

You know I'm just expecting Just like on Bandcamp, my name is there. Didn't happen. Nothing at all. What's the name of the album on Bandcamp? Sean's very own album. Sean's very own album.

What is it, just a bunch of songs about Sean? Yeah. All right. Well, get your fucking, I don't want Dick Show Lauren this far. I don't know any of this shit. I don't care. Who cares? I'm hanging out with Dick.

Fucking idiot. Tic-Tac-Pattywhack is here. Tic-Tac-Pattywhack. What is up, Vito? Do you know what the biggest problem in the universe is? What's the biggest problem? White women and their stupid fucking opinions. Women's opinions.

Yes. They always got to say some stupid shit. Well, brown people, they don't have IDs. So they're, you know, we don't need voter ID. Well, are you saying black people are stupid and can't get IDs? Well, no, they're just poor. Well, come on now. I don't know if that's just white women saying that. That's mostly white women.

Now, I've worked on a pipeline. I worked on a pipeline. Some Native Americans were very upset at this pipeline. But you know who was all at the protests? Yeah. White women. I maybe saw. There was a protest as I was driving by.

Yeah. 85% white women. White women sticking their noses in. They don't even know what oil is. They don't even know what oil is. No, they don't. The only oil they're worried about, these dumb bitches, are the oil that secretes off their stupid, fat, fucking faces in the morning. They're very worried about oil buildup.

It's a common womanly problem. Yeah. It's true. All right. All right. Well, thank you, Tic Tac. Short and to the point. That's true. Alright. Well, thank you, Tic Tac. Short and to the point. That's what we like. He doesn't like the opinions of white women and can I blame him? I don't think I can.

Rex Sexton is here, everyone. Rex! Where are you calling from, Rex? I just moved to New fucking Hampshire. Do you like it? No. I got a bunch of buddies who just moved to New Hampshire, but I don't know. I think they only

moved for the tax reasons. Yeah, well, I guess that is nice. The fucking bar closes at like 8 o'clock. That's the thing. You're stuck in the woods. Are you in the woods? No, I'm not in the woods, but I'm around a bunch of guys who are old, fat, and have hairy shoulders and tank tops.

You're going to get a lot of that in New Hampshire. Well, Rex Sexton, what is the biggest problem in the universe? My biggest problem is bitchy hookers. Bitchy hookers. Yeah. What happened, Rex? It sounds like you got a story for me. You know, traveling across the country, you need a little comfort.

A little R&R. Yeah. And, you know, it's bad enough that they of course want you to make a deposit on cash app. And then they're like, well, is there someone at the front desk? I don't really want to walk by them at the hotel. And it's like,

okay. So once, once you act like it's inconvenient, any convenience for you to be there, just nevermind. Like I'll just whack off again and save myself 200 bucks. Yeah. Well, I mean, I had and playing with her tits and she's and save myself 200 bucks. Yeah. Well,

I mean, I'm playing with her tits and she's like, I'm good on that. So, okay. Okay, cool, bitch.

Well, I'm not going to fucking tell you when I bust in your mouth. So, well, I must admit I've never been one for, for prostitutes. I don't know the modern prostitute, uh,

coordination, but it does seem like there's going to be a lot of, you know, struggling to communicate wants and needs and uh i hear a lot of stories of you know women sneaking costs on you at the last minute do you get some of that and most of them are men anyway with the with the deposits once they got rid of back page really it was uh it was just open season for... What do you mean most of them are men? Like the hookers are men? The hookers that show up are generally women of some persuasion.

Okay, women of a previous gender. Right. Well, I mean, you know, there may not be the woman that that they advertise themselves to be. But they, you know, are there. OK, but I'm asking, like, do you ask for a lady and they send is it does a penis show up? No, not yet. Not yet. But it could happen way up.

Yours does. Yeah. Well, I would think if they sneak a dick up on you, you're going to get in trouble. You know, like that could result disastrously for them. Yeah. You don't want to. That's buyer beware. They also have like people.

They have guys. They're pimps who will see the cars coming into like the hotel and shit. And they'll park next to you. And so if the chick sends like an emergency text like, oh, this guy just grabbed my cash and he's booking it. Don't get out. And like sort of the pimps just hang out in the parking lot waiting to you know oh my god i would think that hookers now would be uh would be easier because there's so many girls on only fans doing it themselves they don't need no

man that's true but those are those are the upper class elegant hookers and you know i'm i'm in albany what are we calling this problem again bad hookers lazy hookers hookers hookers vote it up i'm making i'm making a list here all racks i wish you better luck are there any good hookers in new hampshire i can't imagine not not that i found yet right over the border I remember we used to go to a strip club And it was called Castaways Because all the women were ugly as fuck I remember thinking I was really mean to call it

Club Castaway They're like no it's like nautical themed I'm like no it's like you threw out women And they ended up here Like you shouldn't name your strip club Castaway But yeah Everyone at Castaway definitely deserved to be there. Well, Rex Sexton.

That's why they're done with their fetuses. Yeah, check out Club Castaway next time you go over the border in Massachusetts. And I hope you have better luck with these hookers. Sounds good. I'll be sure and let you know. Take care of yourself, buddy. All right. That was Rex Sexton, good friend of the show.

And here is Deus.exe, who is coming to us live from the center of the earth. His lava chamber deep in the bowels of the... I've got my Joe Biden Sith Lord speech light behind me. I've got my nice cold glass of baby blood fresh from Hillary Clinton's stash. I don't even know how you achieved this lighting. I don't know what you did. I just changed my light bulb color. Fair enough.

Well, Deus, what is the biggest problem in the universe? Shitty fucking ISPs. Shitty ISPs. Well, I've been dealing with a little of that tonight. I tell you what. Oh, I know it. I know it. I've had a few issues with some

ISPs lately. One's the cell phone provider. Oh, we got these new fucking plans. Switch to the new plan. It'll be very simple. Just go through the app. Easy as 1, 2, 3. Yeah. 4, 5,

6, 7 days later. Because, oh, our, seven days later. The ARK system has experienced very high volume of dumbasses changing their plans. Wait, too many people changed their plans? Too many people changed their plans and now you can't connect because it fucked up halfway

through the eSIM conversion process killing off your old eSIM while prepping a new eSIM that is broken and can't actually be downloaded to your phone. Because they don't send physical SIMs out. They make you download an eSIM. Oh, you know, we'll get back to you in four hours. Four days later, oh, we've received your ticket, and we're eager to quickly assist you. What is this? Spectrum?

What is this? I don't even know what I am. This is a cell phone plan, visible. It's an MVNO operated by Verizon. Well, hopefully they're getting you set up. You've been dealing with this, what, like a week? Not I. Not I.

Not I. This is somebody else who's dealing with this what like not i not i this is somebody else is dealing with this family member who relies on me to be their personal tech support so i and you you also had a problem with the the grocery stores last that's exactly right veto and i still have that problem has the best problems guys goddamn fucking jd is and i'll tell what, the last time I went to that grocery store, do you know what awaited me at the deli? What happened? I did get my Madrasala Curry

seasoned chicken, but the problem is it was from this I don't know, 380 pound big bitch with a really, really basically your mustache. Yeah, the lady should have this mustache. And she was sneezing. I mean, she basically your mustache. Yeah. Lady Schnapp. And, you know, she was sneezing.

I mean, she turned away a little bit. Oh, on the chicken? No, not on the chicken. She turned away, but I was still disgusted, and I wanted to throw up right at her. Sounds like you're just in the wrong town with terrible ISPs and terrible grocery store clerks. Well, hey.

Perhaps from within your mountain lava bunker, you can plot revenge on all these people who have wronged you, Deus. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll just, since Ropey Wade's gone, and I think Ohio has like a heartbeat bill or something. Hopefully they're pregnant. Try to get their babies aborted. We'll deliver them, ship them over to Hillary,

and get me some more delicious baby blood. That's what we want. Adrenochrome, baby. Drink it up. Vote it up. Adrenochrome is the solution. Thank you, Deus. As we know.

Well, Nick is here. Nick. Hey, what's up, Vito? Nick, where are you calling me from? Nashville, Tennessee. Well, Nick is here. Nick. Hey, what's up, Vito? Nick, where are you calling me from? Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee. Well, what is the biggest problem right now, Nick? I need to know.

What is the biggest problem right now? The biggest problem right now is probably Middle Eastern scammers. Middle Eastern scammers. I have a good story about this. Yeah. I don't have any stories. I don't have any stories. Other than that that they need to stop preying on uh the elderly well my story is recently i got an email it was a pretty good scam which was like because as a youtube guy you're always worried that your channel is going to get

banned or demonetized or something so it basically said you have a strike on your account you know to address it you got to call this number. And it looked super official, and they sent it from Google Docs. So you get a notification. But I quickly figured out what it was, and then I just started calling them up. And I called them for a week straight, and I would just be talking to them. And then I'd go, you think your parents are proud that this is how you make money, you fucking scammer piece of shit?

And they're like, fuck you, buddy. Fuck you. And I'm like, you tell your mom you steal from people all day long. How's your you think your mom? That's what she raised you for boy You'll fuck you you'll fuck you motherfucker and uh You can barely understand them Yeah, I need to uh I want to get more of those chat lines because there's guys who make YouTube videos where they just fuck with those people

And uh, I would have a lot of fun with that. Nick, what does this say over your eyebrow? What is your tattoo today? That's my wife's name. Brianna. Say hi to Brianna for us and never get divorced because it will be embarrassing.

All right. Thank you, Nick. Nick has a good problem. These Middle Eastern scammers causing trouble. I'm trying to go in order, but I guess it's kind of jumping to people ahead in the queue. So if I'm not getting to you, feel free to complain in the private chat. All right. Coach Cake is here.

Coach Cake. Hey, is this the Vito lookalike stream? This is the Vito. Yeah. Well, come on. Every person in America looks like this now. We all hide our shame behind these shitty patchwork beards and cool hats because we got nothing going on. Coach Cake, where are you calling us from?

Arizona. Arizona, actually. What are you guys going to get down there? Oh, real quick, I have to mention, Nathan Erfet for $1.99 says, the niggler did not disappoint. quick i have to mention nathan air fat for a dollar 99 says the niggly did not disappoint i do need to mention uh there's no reason to not super chat you dumb motherfuckers we're getting no super chats this is barely a show super chat uh and your question was when are we coming down to where uh arizona the phoenix area i don't know man i want to do some live stuff i uh you guys got to get out here.

You got to get out here. Nick is, like, comfortable. He doesn't have to do anything. Nick is just like, I got a pile of money. I got a house. I got a girlfriend who, you know, cooks food for me and does all my laundry. And I'm like, Nick, we got to do merchandise. We got to do shows.

We got to make some Skrilla. And he's like, no, we're good. I'm like, all right, well, fucking whatever. I'm thinking about the next drink right you know yeah exactly he's like i gotta go to burning man for a week and not work and just go do drugs in the desert i'm like oh i can't do that uh anyway coach cake hopefully we will make we should do a live tour and we should go cross country in a fucking van that's why absolutely i want. Absolutely. I want to convince Dick, let's rent an RV, set up a couple tour dates.

I don't know. If it was a Dick show slash biggest problem combination road trip thing, I think we could make something happen. That would be perfect. Anyway, Coach Dick, what is the biggest problem in the universe? The biggest problem in the universe is security theater. This is something that is talked about rather frequently.

I know it gets brought up all the time as the TSA or whatever. But the TSA as an institution has infiltrated the whole world, everything. You ever been to a concert, Vito? You ever been to a ball game? Yeah. You ever been to a train station yeah yeah i saw an article the other day that says the tsa has not been responsible for stopping even a single major terrorist incident so i got a funny story about that go ahead so i'm on my way into a

baseball game at the uh diamondback stadium and i guess chase guess Chase Field is what it's called. I'm a blue collar guy. I carry a knife. All day. Always have. My whole life. I'm in line waiting. We come around a corner.

I see metal detectors and cops. I realize I got my knife in my pocket. It is not. I got it right here to show you. It is a substantial piece. That's a a substantial piece that's a real knife it's a real knife and i think fuck i just spent you know it wasn't that expensive but i don't want to throw away another night this happened to me again yeah i've had it happen to me before i think i got a brilliant idea i got a rather large steel belt buckle i'll just stick it right under my belt buckle.

We get up to the front of the line. I walk through. I set my phone, my wallet, my keys, everything in the tray. I walk through, and it lights up like a fucking Christmas tree. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, you got to hold on here. And they wave me with the wand, and it goes crazy over my belt. And I say, oh, you want me to take my belt off?

I'm kind of like, uh, uh? You want me to take my belt off? I'm kind of like, uh, uh? You want me to take my pants off? Nah, nah, you get on through. So I just took it right through it. It wasn't a problem. But that's the point. It's all theater. It's all theater.

You know, everything there, it doesn't stop anything. It's just clogging everything up, making everything slow. No, it's just causing a hassle for everybody. Look, at the airport, you got the scanner scanner if the scanner sees a gun fine but other than that all the pat downs and the bullshit whatever else and then you know like i had like a little keychain pen knife that was just on my keys to just like you know if i need to open a box or something and i went into a convention center they're like what are you trying to kill people i'm like no it's a fucking little that couldn't kill anybody, even if I

wanted to. It wouldn't do anything. I'm still mad I had to give up my little knife. I need to buy another little knife now. Exactly. It's bullshit. I agree with you, Coach Cake. Too much security, security, theater. It's all theater. All theater. Entirely

bullshit. I agree. Well, Coach Cake will be to wherever the fuck you are. Nashville? No, the other guy was Nashville. You're in Arizona? Yeah, Phoenix. Phoenix, Arizona. We're coming to Arizona.

It's going to happen. Pop quiz for 1999 says, don't share this with Richard. I'm going to direct deposit all the... I actually have no way to do that. So, unfortunately, this all goes into the show fund. Fox later for 199 says, just recruit maddox to the tour if dick won't i have no idea who you're talking about i've never heard of this gentleman john for two says the biggest problem road tour would be amazing i would love to do a road tour i don't

think we have enough people um i don't think we could make a road tour happen i think it would be hard to fill venues but uh i don't know if we picked some major cities we could maybe do one or two places who knows uh we got lord's out by the way the queue is uh emptying out if you would like to call into the show now is your time use the link in the description jump in the queue and you will be able to join the show lord z is here lord z you know what's up what's going on buddy where you calling from i'm calling from shitfuck Virginia. Shitfuck Virginia. Where the women are white and the condoms aren't not available for sale because it's against our God.

Yeah, it's pretty bad here, man. I'm being real. Yeah, I know one person in Virginia. She says it's just miserable and there's nothing to do. Yeah, I'm moving to fucking Washington State next year, though, so it's all good. Oh, yeah? Well, that's good. You've got to find a center. You've got to find a place with some nightlife.

Well, Lord Z, what is the biggest problem in the universe? For me, the biggest problem in the universe, and this is something I've seen more and more as time has gone, is middle-aged people calling themselves old. Yeah. This is a big problem because more and more as time has gone is middle-aged people calling themselves old. Yeah. This is a, this is a big problem because it perpetuates laziness in people. People,

it gives them an excuse to be lazy. I've noticed it because the older they get, they just get fatter and lazier. And it's like, Oh, because when they hit their forties, they think they're already old. Yeah.

You know, it's, it's a problem. It's a bad state of mind because it perpetuates laziness. It's not a good mindset, and it's a really big problem. The thing is, we've clearly kind of shifted society 10 years in a direction. You know, it used to be 40 years old, you're supposed to have a house and a family and all this bullshit. And it's like, people later and later are getting that shit together. I mean, that was supposed to be by like 25.

You're supposed to have that shit. Now people are waiting 10 years, 35. It seems to be people are settling down. And that's nonsense. And I guess, yeah, I guess maybe there's some some laziness that people go, oh, I'm an old man. I can't possibly whatever. It's like, no, you're in your prime years yeah really prime working individual yeah i can understand if you're like 80 or something but if you're like maybe 40 you still got a lot of good years and yeah i think

people give themselves too much shit when they hit 40 or 30 is it's just well i think a lot of people didn't put in the work i know a lot of guys all they've been doing is partying and fucking around now they're in their 30s and 40s and they're like wait i wanted to be like a famous musician man i wanted oh sorry dude a little late for that shit but uh you know but like me i'm always grinding i'm always working on something yeah you got you got to keep like look at stan lee he was like he was doing cameos and movies when he was in his 90s oh yeah he even tried to have his own he did his own comic convention he was making comics none of them were like huge hits but he was like what the fuck else i'm stan lee why not make some fucking money have some fun yeah he didn't come up with spider

man until he was like 45 years old so yeah it's just like a lot of there's a lot of time left people think 40 is like the end of the road. I get into that thinking. God, I'm so fucking old. I'm never going to get what I want. I think if you stay optimistic, good things will happen. It's a bad state of mind, though. It needs to be stopped, I think. How about every time someone turns 40 and they say they feel old,

we'll just kill them? Yeah. How about a Logan's Run type situation? I don't think it's just Logan's Run, Lord Z. Have you seen Logan's Run? I have not. I've wanted to. Too young for this show.

Get out of here, Lord Z. I haven't seen Logan's Run. He's done. Old people... Middle-aged people calling themselves old was the problem. Greedo Fael is here. Greedo. Hey, Greedo.

How are you? Jinx. Okay, but I was going to say, are you fucking ready for all the people who are going to come in to, like, the comments of this video are going to be like, oh, you guys should have just fucking skipped this week. You should have not made a fucking episode like they did last time and complained about it for a month. The biggest problem in the universe is Vito could have just said, there's no episode this week. I could be dicking around, watching TV, playing video games, doing whatever I want. And I said, you know what the fans who want something who want to show every week okay it's

not the same show but i i think it's it's an okay format it's kind of fun we have to hear from the fans and it's like if you don't like it well there's next week calm down there's a fucking 55 fucking episodes you go let's do that's the biggest problem the universe the biggest of the universe is entitled fans who go i don't know you know what tell it to dick why am i the one who gets yelled at it's it's always i can't believe veto fucked up the show by doing this this or this no dick fucked up the show by not being here he's the one breaking the leg again or something it's bullshit why do i get i try to do something it's it's being put down for effort it's like you put in effort and people go why did you even try why didn't you just fucking kill

yourself that's the problem in the universe you fuck it well anyway grito aside the rant biggest problem i was gonna say my biggest problem in the universe is the fucking letters the fucking credit card company send you. When I was a kid, I thought the mail was the coolest shit in the world because I would go up to my parents, point at a picture of some toy on the internet I found, I don't even know what it is,

and be like, hey, mom, dad, that's cool. And then it comes a week later in a box, I'm like, what the fuck? A toy coming from the mail? That's fucking weird. So I thought it was the coolest shit in the world. But now I get like these fucking letters.

Now the mail is just annoying and terrible. God, yeah. So I get these fucking letters from credit card companies. And they're like, hey, you want a credit card at 25% interest? Like, no. Why the fuck would I want that want that yeah why is that the only letters they send is like why does why does a company ever be like you know why can't companies send cool shit like hey i thought they sent that to me today because i get a fucking letter from

them and then you know how they fucking fold it and the first line on the fold looks like something cool but you open it up and it's like the biggest shit in the world yeah they fucking did that to me today i look at the little line and says hey we know it's tough out there we know it might be a little bit hard to pay your debt so we got something for you and the thing is i had i mean i'm not having a problem my job think i'm out of restaurants but my job now lets me pay off my debt just fine. But these motherfuckers are like, okay, let's see, what's your little offer? And they're like, you see, you can borrow a loan of $3,000 right now to pay off this debt that you have. I'm like, why in the fucking world would I do that?

Why would I take your $3,000 loan to pay off something so much smaller and they're probably gonna be like, oh, yeah, by the way at the very back Yeah, another 25 percent interest like we should start a campaign to make the mail fun again Like candy company should just send you candy for fun. Just be like, hey, thanks for being a fan Here's a candy bar. Oh my god You know, I'm pretty sure I just went up to biden and started whispering it's here put candy in the mail put candy in the mail eventually his fucking senile ass will probably do it he's gonna start some new fucking agency hire 87 000 people for some fucking reason the biggest problem in the universe send them all is no candy in the mail. This is bullshit.

The mail should be fun again. All right, Greedo. Great problem. The mail isn't fun. It drives me nuts. Mike Hunt says, rings of power. Explained the black dwarves and was respectful of the source material. Vito was right.

100% positive reviews except for some racists. That's a voted up right there. Fear of a black elf folks is uh is bullshit righty tighty 91 love the shows you do veto you're one of the three lefties i can handle i'm the only good one i'm the only good lefty pop quiz for a buck 99 we love you veto i love you too pop quiz saucy slur for five biggest problem is misunderstood text messages leads to so many worthless arguments thanks for not killing yourself everyone i agree uh trying to text with women i know we do a lot of women problems but like a woman will be like here i found a thing and i'm like oh cool and

then she'll text me back later she goes are you mad at me and i'm like what do you mean she's like well you said oh cool but you didn't put a smiley face or a rainbow or a heart. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. All you women. Always with the texting. Mike Hunt for two next time Dick doesn't come in, guest host to Stereo. That would be pretty good. That would be pretty good. I don't know who's next.

We're going to go with Shark Girl. Shark Girl. Veto under appreciation. Hey, can you hear me? Hello. Hi. veto under appreciation hey can you hear me hello hi um so my biggest problem is uh men in marriage i don't understand why there's such a actually i do understand why there's such a gap but now that we're in like freaking 21st century that that gap kind of is just bullshit. What kind of gap? Marriage is such a trap. Oh, men believing marriage is a trap?

Is that what you think? Pretty much. So that's the problem. Men believing marriage is a trap. Yep. But it is a trap. So, I agree that maybe in the past it sort of was, but now there are things like prenups and all that shit and like it's so easy to get a divorce now so like i don't think of it as really it's so easy to get a divorce yeah by giving you half my shit that's how i get the only way to get

ready the prenups don't oh i don't even want to tell the prenup story i don't even want to tell the prenup story okay my dad had a prenup his lawyer died you know what happened to the prenup they couldn't find it so what the uh i'm not even gonna go down that road because it is so much heartbreak listen I'm the last guy to bring this problem to because divorce has destroyed my family upside down. And probably the reason... Yeah, well, it's just a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare.

Why connect your life to somebody else for tax benefits? It doesn't make any sense. I mean, I'm kind of the view that if you really, really, really love someone, and you both believe in that. Can't you support them like, you know, just for funsies? Isn't making it illegal? No, it's not legal. Well, I mean, my family, my mom was divorced and before she met my dad

and then they divorced and she's married my stepdad now. And I'm honestly really happy she got a divorce because my dad and her did not work. That's also the problem. Why get married? You are 100% going to get divorced every single time. Why even put in the legal effort? What percentage of marriages stay together? Now, not so many.

Cent marriages end in divorce. Let's see. 50% of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. Between 40% and... So it's a legal agreement that about 40% of the time ends in disaster? I mean, I guess not disaster. Look, if there was a way to make it... Yes, the prenup is great.

If you're going to have an even split, fine. It just really is. So what would your views be if someone said, okay, so I'm completely okay with having an even split, pretty much whatever you want. It's just that, like, I would really like to, at some point, get married because

now I do think it shouldn't be like a year or two or even three years together. It should be like you've lived together and everything. I would be okay with marriage. If the judges didn't seem like weirdly biased against the guys and go, yeah, just give her all your shit. You know,

it's like there's, I, I, it's, it's terrifying to me. Marriage is terrifying to me i would need i would need like an ironclad prenup uh just because that's the thing is it's so terrifying to people and it shouldn't be like that like it shouldn't judges shouldn't be biased

all this stuff yeah i watched my dad's problem all right and it like really i'm the i'm the last all right all right thank you shark girl thank you i don't even want to talk about it i'm done It's a problem. All right. And it like really, I'm the, I'm the last part. All right. All right. Thank you. Girl. Thank you. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm done. It's too much.

It's too raw. Oh, that divorce destroyed my father. Who are those podcasts? Don't act like you communicate with women. Vito. I got one on the line. Carl.

She's driving me fucking nuts. And she's probably listening to the show. I'm just kidding, baby. You're fine. You're doing good. Who are these podcasts? Or two kidding, baby. You're fine. You're doing good. Who are these podcasters? Give the super chat the dick.

I will specifically take that super chat and buy it. It's $2. Oh, congrats. Thanks for the $2, Carl. Who are those podcasts? I don't even know the name of the fucking podcast. Mike Hunt for five. You're afraid your partner will cheat, get married, also make super killer black,

or be branded racist Well, I made the I made the girl in super killer Persian but that's just cuz my dead friend is Persian everybody. I know he's dead now That's my biggest problem in the universe. Can I stop fucking dying in my life? Let's see. I think turkeys been waiting Turkey Sam's gonna be oh, how's it going? This has turned into a Vito's Life is a Mess podcast. Yeah. Carl, why don't you call in and give us your biggest problem, you moron.

Uh, Turkey, where are you calling from? Uh, from Phoenix. I was going to second the guy from a couple calls ago. I know. Should we do a live show in Phoenix, Arizona? We need to make a biggest problem. Where is the biggest problem live show going to be? And everybody votes. Whichever city gets the most votes, we will do a show there. So we got two votes for Phoenix, Arizona.

Sounds good? Yeah, I think that's twice what any other city would have. Right now they're winning. So all the other cities better get it together. Well, Turkey Sandwich, what is the biggest problem in the universe uh locked public bathrooms well that's a good one well yeah go ahead not just in like you know fucking skid row like high traffic like places where drug addicts are going to shoot up and die and you're going to be liable because like phoenix there's like nice areas you know like scottsdale and

glendale and even like the upscale like i can't piss without having to talk to like a 16 year old at their first job anywhere in this entire fucking city i have to just like walk over there doors locked fucking do the charlie brown sad walk back there, doors locked, fucking do the Charlie Brown sad walk back over to the counter. When you go to a restaurant, you gotta go, can I get the key? Can I get the code? Yeah, what? McDonald's. Anywhere. I want to go to Arby's. I have to fucking piss

and I just waltz back over to this fucking 16-year-old. And you don't want someone else to know you're pissing. I don't want to have to discuss with somebody, hey, can I get the key to the bathroom? Because then they look at me and they go go what's that guy gonna do in there he's probably gonna shit all over the toilet and the sink and then i do it out of spite for judging me i go i know what they're thinking so now i am gonna do it and then i shit all over the room and they got to deal with it and most of the time most of the time it's not even a physical key they have to

like walk back with you and like punch in the thing and they always fucking like safeguard it so you don't look at it it's like what i i i'm in a work uniform i had a job i don't have like track marks i'm not going to shoot up in your bathroom i want to start a codes for a meth addicts app where if you want to do math we have all the bathroom codes on a map to figure out how to get into wherever. I think that's what we got to do. Yeah, I mean, I think it's like legally, I get it, like, you know, you're liable, I think.

No, no, no, don't give them an inch. Don't give them an inch. All right? We don't understand it, and it's bullshit. All right, yeah, that is the way. This also plays into one of my famous problems Public urination laws Let me pee wherever I want

Whenever I want I should be able to pee on the fucking White House steps It's America It's a public property It should all be covered in urine That is my belief Vote up public urination laws Vote it up

You've got to vote at biggestproblem.show. Hey. Well, Carl from Who Are These Podcasts would like everyone to know I'm not calling in, but I will be in the studio next week. Next week, a very special guest, Carl from What the Fuck Podcasts.

Everyone's favorite podcast show. I hope you're all excited he'll be there i don't know if he's doing the dick show as well i would hope so if he's in town and i also believe i may be the guest on the upcoming episode of who are these podcasts uh me and carl are discussing which podcast we will be covering so you're gonna get a double dose of Carl. You're going to get a double dose of Vito. All you W.A.T.P. fans. W.A.T.P. W.A.T.P.

Who are these podcasts? We got Gary. Gary, how you doing? I'm doing well. It's pronounced Gary. Like British. Is that true? Gary?

No, it's not scary i was about to be like i've never met a gary in my life yeah well that's how the british say it as oxman says i'm gonna flake again on whbl that'd be hilarious i probably should uh gary where are you actually calling from uh missouri so i'm from states called from missouri that's one of those uh is that one of those bible belt states it's all bible all the time that's all we do literacy rate in missouri probably top 10 we're pretty good top 10 let's see literacy rate i read every day uh 92 92 i don't know where that's that's at 48 of students are meeting uh oh less than half of missouri students are at the grade level and reading math you gotta they're they're not my type yeah it doesn't matter homes your kids, that's the way to do it Anyway, Gary

Stop shitting on people's states when they call in Stop looking up literacy rates Gary, what is the biggest problem in the universe? I have the biggest problem, Vito I hope you're prepared What is it? It is contraception Contraception

Oh, easily the biggest problem in the universe all forms of contraception all of them oh wow okay well why is that awful first of all have you ever had sex with the condom yeah i have totally pointless this is an endeavor it has a point yeah what do we do i kind of like I kind of like that it keeps everything... I never understood. Because you pull out or you pull out-er? That feels a little too contraceptive to me. Is that a form of contraception?

I mean, I'm not... I'm not concepting. I just never understood a girl wanting to have my disgusting little ball snakes swimming around inside I feel like it's a point of courtesy either A, pull out or B container it in a little water balloon

you know I just think would I want a bunch of microscopic snakes swimming around in my butthole? No. So as like like a favorite of her. But you're not a lady. You know, these ladies are nuts.

They're highly desirous of those. They love it. They're like, oh, no, put all those little baby snakes up inside me. And I don't understand it. I'll tell you what, that last woman who wanted to get married, she wants your ball snakes. Well, I can i can't you know i don't want to comment on female listeners of the show but when i talk to them i do get the feeling that most of them want me to lay them down gently by a fire and fill them with my demon seed uh you know i'm

pretty good at reading i'm pretty good at reading these women uh you know i will not be ashamed Of my fecundity What about if the woman has like an IED An IED in her snooch Pretty straightforward Question for you Is that contraception I think so That's a big problem

It's a big problem Okay but what is the objection Why are you objecting to contraception Okay well I think we covered It's a big problem. Okay, but what is the objection? Why are you objecting to contraception? Oh, okay. Well, I think we covered the condom angle here. Yeah, the condom angle I get doesn't feel good. Let's see. What if a girl has an IED in her pussy?

What's the problem? That's only against her. It leads to higher rates of divorce it leads to us separating well look at the divorce rate after the pill it's off wait where are you getting these stats you know right wing websites all the best get out of here gary you dumb motherfucker what are you talking about? People getting divorced after fucking IUD. Hey, I tell you who's here. Good old Isaac the Ox. I noticed I added a the between those two names.

I don't know why I did that. I don't know either. The main reason I was calling was to say the biggest problem is you won't say my name. I know. I don't know why that is. What's wrong with me? I don't know. It's just a name. Is that your biggest problem, Isaac?

Is that every time you leave a super chat for some reason I don't read your name out loud? It's a really catchy name because it was only my second super chat that you said every time I fuck it up. It feels like

you're a lot more than I actually am. But my actual biggest problem, every time – have you ever ordered a small combo meal at McDonald's? Yes. You know what they say? Don't they say we only have a medium? Yeah, they say we don't have small. We have medium and large.

Is medium okay? What would your answer be? expect make it smaller like the the these go to 11 on spot um so that's the classic starbucks can i get a large coffee we don't have large sir that size is not aligned with our brand standards of creating very fat people yeah as small as we can possibly go on the i have a thing on the marriage thing um because that 50 percent stat has been thrown around quite a bit but how much of that it's marriages not people so how many of that is like just the same people getting divorced like 10 times over and over again i was worried you were going to hit me with some like well 70 of those people are a certain skin color and i was gonna have to cut

you off but thankfully that's not the way it went i'm a terrible person if anything the white people are probably getting divorced more often because white people always think we deserve more we always go i could do better. I could do all right. I feel like other races, they understand. Why don't you hook a bit? Just run with it. Does she drive you to the airport?

Does she hit your kids for you? That's all you want in life. Yeah. All right, Isaac. Well, I guess since you called in in person, I should thank you from the bottom of my heart mr isaac ox thank you just for there you go get out of here you piece of uh let's see dissident says veto has never ordered a small well i don't have a small so i can't order one they don't even have it's not even an option The default is the medium. Screaming

Diz Buster says the highest divorce rate is black women. I don't know if that's true. It's racist for you to even suggest such a thing. Vasto is here. Hey. Vasto, what is that game collection? Oh my god. Oh my

god. I like games but that's kind of my biggest problem is video game previews basically I feel like for the past five years all video game previews

all they are are just cinematics like I don't care about cinematics show me the god damn gameplay I want to know if it's a fun game otherwise I just buy it and never play it like these Playstation Vita's that are still sealed so like I just I can't determine if

the games that are going to come out this year in the next six months are like 200 games have been announced or something for the next year and I've seen maybe four gameplay videos but do you't show games that are coming out do you even have time to play any of this shit no of course not what's the point what are you talking about there's so many fucking games now i don't even play the stuff that comes

out i just wait until it's been out for like two years and then finally go and get it yeah that's true but like i like to play online games and like if all my friends are playing a game i want to play with them so there's that but otherwise i don't know even like youtube videos excited for yeah but even like youtube videos i feel like everybody's just paid to do these reviews so i don't trust their opinions so that's my problem is like all these trailers are just cinematics and i i want to see actual gameplay i want to see what the game is not the cinematics between the gameplay it's all cut scenes uh it's the same with that fucking like last of us game that's getting a remake i'm like who cares it's all cut scenes i don't care yep all right fast oh well beautiful game collection my thank you

i appreciate everybody calling with the beautiful game collection that's what i appreciate major tom is here oh shit you actually chose me cool i told you there's only three people queued up get in here oh really we got another 20 minutes at least for the show oh cool i had no idea how any of this works i didn't even know good to be talking with you man where are you calling from major tom? I am from Northeast Mississippi, dog. Mississippi? What's the literacy rate? Why would anyone know that off the top of their

head? That's not what I'm saying. It probably is pretty bad because you guys drink that river water and it fucks you up. That's true, but it's so damn tasty. You don't even know. Tastes like lead and victory. Like mud. Hell yeah.

Let's see. Advanced learning and career preparation. The statewide dropout rate. Oh, fell to a historic low of 8.5% in 2022. Well, congratulations. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I did my part. Although 16% of the adult population in mississippi lacks

proficient reading and writing skills well that's not good oh yeah well you went that's not good all right well anyway what's the biggest problem in the universe my biggest problem are these uncultured swine these kiddos that have not seen a movie before the year like 2010 yeah fucking logan's run fucking caddyshack blazing saddles airplane like dude like there has not been a good comedy since like the year fucking like 2000 or something. I don't know. Uncultured movie kids? And there's... Yeah, that's my thing.

Just people who don't respect the classics in general. I go to this place to get chicken fingers called Cane's. Have you heard of Cane's? Oh, fucking hell, dude. I love Cane's. But they ask me, they're like, what's your name for the order? I'm like, it's a drive-thru, man. They'll figure it out they ask me, they're like, what's your name for the order?

I'm like, it's a drive-thru, man. They'll figure it out. And they're like, no, what's your name? And I go, Vito. And they go, what is it? I go, Vito. They go, what? I go, have you seen the fucking... No, they don't even try to... First of all, I tell you, Vito, you could probably get there, like, you know,

even if you don't spell it the right way, you're gonna get pretty close just based on the fact that it's two syllables. But I eventually go, you ever see the movie, the Godfather? It goes, no.

And I go, then just put fucking John, just put my name is John. You fucking piece of shit. And he goes, sir, can you stop calling me a piece of shit? And I go,

no, you haven't seen the Godfather. You get, um, fucking dessert. How, how do they, you haven't seen the Godfather. You get, um, book and dessert. How, how do they not force you to watch the Godfather in school? They make you read all those fucking books and shit.

Exactly. Like the cultural relevance, like they get, they like, okay. So catcher in the rye is required reading. You have to read that in order to pass like fucking fifth grade English or whatever.

Reading is so important for some reason, but film literacy is apparently not. I know, I know. It's on the onus of the fathers and mothers of the world to pass down the cultural torch. Mr. White Ensler is asking, can I finish my problem? Yeah, just call back in man you still got the link i think yeah man there's like three of us in here you'll get your turn eventually if anybody wants to get in uh we got we got time for a couple more anyway major time i agree these kids they don't know the classics and uh something's wrong something's wrong with our schools

we teach these kids bullshit nobody needs to read the Great Gatsby. Everyone needs to see Avatar, though. That's very important. Not Avatar. Anything other than that. All right, Major Tom. There's Major Tom, who we love. Stoney Tony, it looks all excited to be here.

Stoney, are you there? That's right. How's it going, man? What's going on? Where are you calling from? San Diego. San Diego. San Diego. Well, hopefully you're not

jacking it down in San Diego. Hopefully you're having a time. I got to make my way back down there at some point. I haven't been there in years. Yeah, man, whenever you hit up the con. I should go. Do they do a con midway through? Because Comic-Con is such a shithole.

It's like there's so many fucking people. There's almost no point. It smells pretty bad. You just stand shoulder to shoulder with people who are all sweating and disgusting. And like, I don't know, look at like a statue of Captain America. And you're like, okay, I guess I can go home now. Honestly, I just hang out and do the stuff outside. That's way better than all the inside shit.

All the stuff in the surrounding neighborhoods. I think that's the smart thing. The gas lamp is where it's at man all right well maybe i'll make maybe i can get a i could probably get a press pass now i need to actually apply for it anyway stoney tony what is the biggest problem in the universe too many notifications from your fucking doorbell camera too many ring doorbell camera notifications. Yeah, man. So it's just frustrating because all I care about is if somebody's trying to break into my house or steal my shit. And yet I just see people walking with their groceries, fucking walking their dog. I don't care about all that nonsense.

I just want to see somebody walking into my house. Why can't the algorithm be that good? Well, I don't have one. I have a video camera outside. I don't have a video doorbell, but I do have the option to, I guess, get notifications. But I've just turned them all off, and now I realize by doing so, I don't know if people It's fucking pointless. Yeah, I'm like, why did I even get this thing?

I guess it's either you get none or you get too many. There's no happy medium. I would have no way of knowing if a package got stolen from me at this point because I don't pay attention to any of that stuff. Half the time it would be a spider crawling across the fucking lens. Yeah, that's the other thing. Fucking insects flying around. I don't care.

Just show me somebody opening my doorbell. Or, you know, not doorbell, but doorknob. It's bullshit. These camera companies, they're wasting our time with these notifications tony yeah vote it up all right vote it up no stony tony from san diego i got one more caller here might be our last caller this is your last chance to get in on the call-in spectacular the link is in the description but uh let's talk to apophis jones jones are you there hi can you hear me no really that's a joke i mean if i said obviously i can hear you if i oh that was very funny that's cool yeah cool all

right all right where are you calling from jones i am calling from moscow russia are you really calling from russia duh wow what time is it in russia 6 a.m 6 a.m yep well i know you guys have been going through a lot these days oh yeah we are we didn't embargo you know a little bit of a bit of a fuck oh oopsie oh oh yeah Oopsie-fuck-o. Oopsie-do. Oh, yeah. You little fucking... That's what happened. Well, I don't blame you for that, Mr. John. I bet if Dick was here, he'd tell you you're well within your rights to deal with those vile... I believe he calls them neo-Nazis. I'm not getting involved. Of course, of course.

Look, before I say anything of actual substance i feel uh the need to shout out the tds telegram group which is deus bonitis billy base dog life form and all the rest of the the degenerates that uh yeah they invaded our telegram group which is russian was made for russians by r Russians, but then American furries invaded and it kind of sucks because they're furries, you know, the entire fucking group is gay. I mean, actually homosexual, including the only group I interact with on Facebook, we have a good biggest problem group. I should find more of the places where everyone's hanging out talking

oh telegram kind of telegram yeah but we don't speak russian i'm not gonna know the people are talking about uh we speak fluent anime so well in the chat why ukraine says tell apophis i'ma come kick his butt uh Uh-oh. Here comes Ukraine for you, buddy. Oh, shit. Paul Povitz, what is the biggest problem in the universe? Oh, man. So, as you know, we sort of did an oopsie a little bit ago. And the biggest problem in the universe, in my opinion, is rich-ass, rich ass fat ass american political right-wing motherfuckers thinking that it's all about them like oh russia is so based oh they're orthodox

christians they have women who are not black and not fat motherfucker why don't you fucking move here then oh oh you live in miami mr cat boy appreciator fucking nicholas fuentes oh you move to russia motherfucker well not politicians these these are american political commentators uh yeah um yeah we uh in the industry call them, oh, I don't think I can say that word, a bundle of sticks as Nick Ricciato would put it. Far-right American political commentators. So Fuentes sings the praises of Russia, but he refuses to actually move there. I don't think he would last in Russia. I don't think he would be tough enough. There is a significant lack of catboys here, so I don't think he would be tough enough. There is a significant lack of cat boys here, so I don't think

he would, you know, an obviously homosexual man such as him wouldn't survive here. Well, I don't know if he's obviously homosexual. It has been suggested. Oh, I can tell. I can tell. I wish Dick was here because Dick would push back. Dick seems to love Nick Fuentes

for some reason. I don't get it. Look, Nick is funny if you laugh at him, not as funny if you laugh with him. Nick's kind of a joke. Well, Nick, today, my good friend Mr. Girl, I think him and his cronies may have got Mr. Girl banned from YouTube with his little mass flagging bullshit, which I think is...

I'm sorry. I've been someone who's been accused of flagging but i've never done anything on the level of telling my followers to mass flag any youtubers ever so could i please use this opportunity to say something directly to mr girl yes hi max your YouTube videos were you fighting against Amherst, Massachusetts? Your streams are you being Amherst, Massachusetts? Fuck off with your hand-wringing, pearl-clutching bullshit. Thank you. There you go.

Well, that message, we'll see if that gets back to Mr. Girl. Have a good day, Vittorio. Well, hey, have fun of phosis phosis says nick fuentes is a homosexual man and mr girl is a pussy so and i'm not saying that and i have no part in any of this uh my good friend toby is here toby toby f is here in the chat hey toby how you doing hi how you going i'm doing all right what does your shirt say my uncle the best uncle tattoos and beards that's true that's true we are the best uncles well uh toby what's uh what's the biggest problem in the universe american medians american comedians not coming to australia and when they do not coming everywhere

American comedians not coming to Australia And when they do, not coming everywhere Yeah, they limit their You guys in Australia don't get anything though I don't know why you're there Absolutely nothing The famous Louis C.K. is coming to Australia But he's only going to like three cities And I'm like, that's fucked

What's the point if he flies all the way to Australia You gotta get out of there though It seems like Australia, everybody's like I sell merchandise and shit, and people are like, hey, I want to copy your card game. I'm like, all right, well, that's an extra $45 just to ship the thing. It's insane.

You guys are on an island in the middle of nowhere. Well, I'm not even, I'm not part of the big island. I'm the little island below, and it's even harder to get anything here. Well, isn't the problem that you've chosen to live in a floating penal colony, isn't that on you? You blame us Americans, and they want to come over

and get stabbed by you lizard fuckers? Alright? Maybe we're worried for our safety. We don't trust you people. It's way safer here. No guns. Could I not be swearing and put this apparent child's hand off the screen i'm sorry yeah yeah no that's okay he's used to it all right uh well

anyway uh toby i tell you what if we do an australian tour you'll be first to know i'll be there uh we'll come up we'll come on by hello there there. We got a young fan. All right. Good seeing you, buddy. We can't have kids on this show. We're going to get in trouble. Give me a band. They'll try to justify it.

Steven, let's rapid fire. What's the biggest problem in the universe? People playing music on their speakers, especially at work. Yeah. I'm just trying to listen to music on on my phone, on my earbuds politely. And I'm just hearing R and B and hip hop. Like I never understood why you would want someone to hear your music. I was on a plane once and some bitch was playing like fucking stupid rap

music. And I'm like, bitch, they'll give you headphones. I'm just trying to, yeah, exactly. I'm just trying to sulk and listen to doom metal alone,

please. Yeah. I don't want to hear, and I don't want to hear your latest pop music bullshit. I could never understand wanting people to hear my obnoxious music on the subway. It's terrible. That was Steve and everybody. Tic-Tac, Paddywhack, Rapid Fire. What's the biggest problem in the universe?

Oh, sorry, sorry. The biggest problem in the universe is, you know, you've had this problem. Actually, you haven't. But it's when you piss in the toilet right You get up and your dick scrapes the top But I know you don't have that issue Dick scraping I've had the dick scraping the piss toilet

Alright what are you talking about That's a reference to the other call in show Vito Gotta go back and listen Get out of here you fucking idiot Alright that guy rapid fire What's the biggest problem in the universe That guy guy rapid fire what's the biggest problem the universe that guy all right well ladies and gentlemen i think that's a good place to end the show

uh this has been the biggest problem in the universe i want to thank everybody who came by i want to thank everybody who super chatted what a great show we learned a lot about ourselves and then the people around us. I would love, I've been written down all the problems. Does anyone know a good website where I can put up a poll? Because I can't put it up on the official website.

Or maybe I'll send it to Dick and he can add it to a separate page. Regardless, I have all your problems here saved. Hopefully we'll have a way to vote on them. Actually, that was Dick. Was that Dick people asked? That was Dick. Dick called in. That'll probably get cut out of the show. Once again,

thank you to everybody for making The Biggest Problem in the Universe such a successful show. One of the top 250 podcasts on the Patreon.com platform. Next week, Dick will be back. Carl from Who Are These Podcasts will be in studio. And you can find all

that and our bonus episodes, of course, at patreon.com slash biggest problem. And continue to vote it up, folks, at biggest problem dot show. And real quick, let me see if I can leave you with something

before we leave. i hope you guys had fun i want to thank all our callers we had a good time here on the show as we always do and uh thank get to vote it up and be a part of the magic. I vote it up at the site. Biggest problem. That show I'll be voting tonight on the problems, there's so many problems to know and problems to see from my heart It's time to vote, dick missed the show You've got to vote it up, you've got to vote

At Biggest Problems, got you know Hey, vote it up, you've got to vote Vote it up BiggestBrop, BiggestBrop, BiggestBrop Yes, folks, vote it up! You stupid motherfuckers, you pieces of shit Get out of here, go to your homes Don't you have families, you morons?

Get out of here, go get a drink Go make love to your wife, go get an ugly hooker And treat her right Put it up, You've got to vote at biggestproblems.io Hey, vote it up. You've got to vote at biggestproblems.io

Let's vote it up, vote it up, vote it up, vote it up. Fuck you. I'm gonna get copyright struck for this one, baby.