The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Call in Spectacular 1

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

Dick couldn't make it, so Vito hosted his own CALL-IN SPECTACULAR!!! Enjoy!

Well, there's no better time like the present. Oh, yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the biggest profit ever! I'm here and I'm excited for the greatest show in all of land. Everybody's excited. Everybody's having a good time. Your mother's excited. Your father's excited.

Filthy monkey sex in your family. Incestuous sex. Your sister's trapped in the dishwasher. She's trapped in the laundry haper. She's trapped all over the house, and the only thing you can do is fuck her free. That's the biggest problem in the universe folks how are we doing today i'm your host vito giswaldi here for the biggest problem in the universe the only show that i don't have a rhyme because i didn't prepare for this at

all that's not my job folks the rhymesman is Dick, who you may have noticed is not here. Dick Masterson has a very exciting, I don't know, he's on a work conference. The man has a real job. Never known what that's like in my life. I don't know what that is. He's wearing a suit and tie. He's making cold calls. He's chatting up executives for the next big thing. What will that next big thing be?

I don't know, but it could be big. It could be big, but it could be a problem. It could be the biggest problem in the universe, and that's the name of the show, guys. What are we doing tonight? Well, here's what we're doing tonight. I already see some comments saying, oh, Dick's not here? Well, I'll see you then. Oh, what do you want me to do? I got something to say. Dick couldn't make it. Dick couldn't make it today.

Dick couldn't make it. He couldn't make it. What do you want me to do? You want me to go get another Italian guy? You want me to go get Coco Puffs, Astro Puffs, whatever the hell their name is? Luck. I would have got a co-host, but last time I did that, it was terrible. And also the only co-host I can think to get.

We're all busy. It's a Friday night. I get it. They got a lot going on. So here's what we're going to do. And I see some people have already figured out what to do. In the description of this live stream, for those of you who are watching it live, you're going to see a link.

If you click that link, it's going to connect you to a, it's like Zoom. It's called StreamYard. But you're going to have the ability to talk to me, Vito. You can use camera if you want. Feel free to keep your camera off if you're a little bit shy. I'm going to need to hear your voice, though. So make sure your microphone is working. And what we're going to do is do the very first ever biggest problem in the universe,

call in spectacular, where we will be taking your problems and you're going to tell us what the biggest problem the universe is we're going to have a little discussion and we'll see if we have a little bit of fun with it is it going to be perfect i don't know i can't tell you might be good might be bad might go down in history is one of the worst episodes of the show might be one of the best episodes of the show you don't know because it's never been done. Jay Gonzalez for two says, I believe in you, Vito. Well, I believe in me. I believe in myself.

I guess real quick, maybe I won't save them for the next. I don't know. Do I go over the tally from last week? I guess I saved that all for the next week. So next week, we'll have a real show. We'll go over the results of the previous show and the bonus episode. This show is going to be a complete standalone entity featuring some of our favorite people. And one of our favorite people is here, of course.

Pastor Frank is here. Okay. Pastor Frank immediately. That was a good gimmick I'm not gonna lie Now I was quick on the draw For those of you who are listening to the audio format Pastor Mike looked like a real Old man gentleman

Was queued up in the room And then started playing a gif animation Of African American butt sex So classic Classic work. A good question from someone was, will all the colors' problems be

listed? Will we be voting on these problems? Well, tell you what, I don't know. That might tinker with the voting a little bit. I don't think we're going to list them for voting. Maybe we'll do a separate voting. Maybe they'll be a winner of this particular show. We're going to gonna find out but first up i mean first up was pastor mike with some some butt sex gifts thank you pastor mike let's see if jim the screw up has a problem for us jim

are you there welcome can you hear me here you jim how are you hey veto how are you i'm doing well i got uh very drunk for this but i'm glad to be here what are you drinking tonight uh i had some tequila my girlfriend's sitting over there oh wow she made some tequila for me we're doing very well fantastic i just have a corona but it's almost done i should have grabbed another one before i started the show oh well uh but uh jim as you know have you listened to this show before i assume uh yes I've listened to it a lot. This is one of my favorite shows. Long-time listener.

Well, then you know the format of the show. Last time I hosted the show, people were mad. They're like, you don't have to act like a game show host the whole time. So I'll try to be more colloquial. It is fun. I'm doing my host voice. I got some angry comments when I hosted it. Like, Vito's putting on an act.

It's hard to host. You got to keep an energy going. Keep a flow. Fair enough. Anyway, Jim, you know the format. I do have some liberal problems. So why don't you give it to me? What is your biggest problem in the universe?

So, well, as much as I like to shit on liberals this is actually a republican problem i would say so this is on south carolina alcoholic laws okay uh so this is where i live i live in south carolina and these fucking laws i tell you i don't know what it's like in california but it is fucking dog shit here let me explain so let's say you want to get a tequila you want to make yourself a delicious tequila and it is past oh 7 30 you can't do it in south carolina all alcoholic like liquor stores anything like that is prohibited after seven o'clock well here it says let's see faq can you buy alcohol in grocery stores? Yes.

Dude, that's only beer. If you want beer, you can get that. Okay, but no hard spirits. You can't get liquor. You can't get tequila. You can't get any of that in South Carolina. Liquor stores are open from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Saturday. 7 p.m.

It's fucking dog shit. That's terrible. I swear to God. You know, through saturday 7 p.m it's fucking dog shit that's terrible god you know i'm uh i'm a college student it's fucking dog shit because we all want to fucking party and you either your only option is shitty beer it's like the fuck yeah but that's not it i got one more thing okay okay so let's say it's sunday you want to get any sort of alcohol on sunday bam because you're not doing that on the lord's Day. Wow. So no liquor sales. Now those are the blue laws because I think we used to have that in Massachusetts, but they changed it. Is that a thing?

Yeah. I don't know why they call them blue laws, but they're these old leftover Catholic laws that Sunday is the Lord's Day. You're not supposed to get drunk. You're just supposed to sit there and praise Jesus. In a way, these laws are actually they're like, you know, we not supposed to get drunk. You're just supposed to sit there and praise Jesus. In a way, these laws are actually, they're like, we're supposed to have separation of church and state.

We're not supposed to pass laws based on weird biblical commandments about what a Sunday is or isn't. So it's weird that they still have that. It's completely ridiculous. I think this is just a red state problem. I don't know. I can't imagine something like this being passed in a red state problem. I don't know. I can't imagine something like this being passed in a blue state

personally. I don't know. That's just me. I feel like this is a law that would only affect us. Well, Jim, as a college man, I hope you're smart. Now that you're learning the importance of planning ahead, you can go to the liquor store, I guess,

ahead of 7 o'clock and you've got to stock up. No shit. But if you don't make the plan, if you're a dumb 20-year-old, and you don't make the plan, you're fucked. Exactly. And you're an alcoholic, so you're probably dumb to begin with. You might have already been drinking, and then the time has...

I can't imagine that you get a buzz going. You're like, well, now I want to get full-on drunk. But then you check the time, and you're like, what can I do? I can't get that you get a buzz going. You're like, well, now I want to get full-on drunk. But then you check the time and you're like, what can I do? I can't get any more alcohol. You're going to have to call your buddy, see if you can bring something over. Jim, I think you just got to buy in bulk. You got a Costco

membership? We got Sam's Club. Sam's Club. Hit up the Sam's Club. Get the big jugs. There's no beer at Sam's. Is there liquor at Sam's Club? I'm completely stupid. At Costco you can get big bottles of hard liquor. It's great. And they're all

like Costco brand Kirkland signature. But if you look it up a lot of it is like the official stuff. They just relabeled it. Jim one more time. Give me the name of your problem. I guess to make it more general Red State alcohol laws. Red State alcohol laws. Thank state alcohol laws.

Thank you, Jim. You're going to get downvoted. You're going to get downvoted to hell. Everyone hates you. That was Jim the screw up, everybody. Now, one thing I'm going to say is after you've finished your call, if you want a courtesy leave, that would be great because I can only keep so many people in the queue. So every time somebody leaves, somebody else many people in the queue.

So every time somebody leaves, somebody else can get in the queue. I've completely screwed up this show. So that's the way. I can only have 10 people in the back end. So if I kick you after you've spoken, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means I'm making room for more people. If you keep trying to get in and it keeps saying the room is full, well, the best time to try and refresh that page is going to be after a caller has just finished.

PopQuiz for $19.99 says, I'm okay with this. Here's some money. PopQuiz approves of the call-in format. I told Dick ahead of time. I sent Dick a message, and I said, I'm going to do a call-in stream. I'm going to do a call-in stream and uh his reaction was biggest problem with no co-host question mark oh no so dick is not dick is not approved of this and I did not tell him ahead of time that I was going to do this this is a last minute thing so if this is terrible dick's going to yell at me and if it's great I look like a genius we'll see what happens but at coming out of the stream is pokemon guy i remember this guy

what's going on do you have audio do i not hear you for some reason hold on let me see if that's just purple monkey dishwash you there i'm here yeah your mic works pokemon guy fix your mic you moron. We'll bring him back in a second. You're going to skip the line while he figures out his mic. Purple Monkey Dishwasher. We've seen you around. I know. Are you a Vitafile Plus?

I am a Vitafile Plus. Hell yeah. I know all my Vitafile Pluses. I met you in Road Rage. I was wearing the autism shirt. Oh, cool. Yeah. Well, man, that was a good time.

That road rage. That was the one in Los Angeles. What was that? Like two months ago now? I felt like fucking forever. We got to do it again, man. Well, we have been talking. I don't know if I can announce this.

This is a secret, but, uh, me and Dick have been talking about potentially doing a live biggest problem in the universe. We're trying to figure out where it would be. but me and Dick have been talking about potentially doing a live biggest problem in the universe. We're trying to figure out where it would be. We don't know what the format would be. We don't know if we're just going to record a show, if it's going to be an audience participation show. We don't know, but there have been talks.

If you're excited about that, feel free to leave a comment and let Dick know whether or not you would come to a live biggest problem in the universe. Probably the first one would probably be in LA because both me and Dick are in LA, but who knows? Maybe we could take it on the road, see what we could do with it. I'll definitely try and get to that. Well, I think you, I think we could have some fun.

Well, purple monkey dishwasher. Do you have a biggest problem in the universe? I wouldn't say it's the biggest problem, but it's definitely a problem for me. Okay, I'm going to hold on real quick. The name of the show is Biggest Problem in the Universe. So if you start off by saying, I don't think it's the biggest problem in the universe, you're going to lose. So whatever it is, just say it's the biggest problem. Yes.

Douchebag Comics. Douchebag comics. Douchebag comics. A couple months ago, a certain comic who goes by Stuttering John Melendez recorded a comedy show in Florida. And for a goof, for a podcast I listen to, WATP, very fun. I recorded it for them. And I sent the audio. W.A.T.P. Very fun. W.A.T.P. I recorded it for them and I sent the audio. And because of that, somehow John

got my email and sent me a very threatening email saying he will sue me. Oh my God. Now this was Stuttering John doing stand up, right? And you went to the show. I went to the show and I recorded it for WATP.

Are you the dabbler? Leaked audio from the dabbler. Yeah, that's my... That's you. So for people who want to hear this stand-up session, they can go on over to Who Are These Podcasts. Now, Stuttering John is a guy who used to be on the Howard Stern Show. He was a whack-packer.

He did celebrity interviews on the red carpet with questions and shit. And famously kind of betrayed Howard Stern by going over to be Jay Leno's lackey. There you are on WATP. And is now kind of just, he's got a bunch of money because he worked on Jay Leno's show, but now he's just like a failed drunk moron who has a terrible podcast nobody likes, right? You summed it up perfectly. What I don't like is him giving out my email and somehow finding it, sending me threatening emails, and I worry that he's going to go after my job because everything's public. He's been threatening me.

Does he have your legal name right now? He does have my legal name he addresses me personally in the email and he says what i'm gonna sue you because you recorded my stand-up special he says and i don't remember exactly how it goes but it says i know who you are i know you recorded my client's show because he he's such a fucking retard. He pretends to be his own lawyer. He pretends to be his own lawyer. But he's sending it from his own personal email. Like johnmelendez at gmail.com.

And he pretends to be a lawyer from his John Melendez email address? He's such a fucking idiot. He says, I know who you are. I know you recorded my client's show. You will be sued. You will be will be that's how they get you um well for those who haven't been listening and i i don't know if i can i would have i would have had to pull the clips ahead of time yeah so stuttering john again failed comedian has been going around trying to be a stand-up trying to be a podcaster and it's like listening to like your how old is like starting john's like in his 60s it's like listening to your dad

trying to be trying to reclaim his former glory glory days as we say on watp and uh and he is now i i would be worried because he's talking about suing who are these podcasts which is a great friend of the the biggest problem as well as the dick show he's talking about suing who are these podcasts which is a great friend of the the biggest problem as well as the dick show he's talking about suing them because they keep playing clips from his terrible podcast well not making fun of him not only that but recently i want to say within the last month or so he submitted a patreon dmca request and watp had to take down bonus episodes because of stuttering fuckface see this guy doesn't know yeah stuttering john doesn't understand that you just roll with the punches like watp make it funny you if you just let it roll off your back and you're like oh you know

fuck those guys and you know laugh had a laugh about it and kept doing what you're doing eventually they go all right well he's got a good sense of humor about the thing uh eventually they get tired of it it's when you react and you go the trolls are trying to ruin my podcast i i got my lawyer to sue the trolls uh then every been it just doubles down it turns to a bigger thing so yeah stuttering john honestly you said this isn't one of the biggest problems universe i think suing other can be as a comedian suing other comedians who are goofing on your bits which your bits are terrible your your podcast is terrible they're just having a little bit of fun at your expense you don't sue another comedian over i mean we we on this show know about comedians satirists uh writers suing other

comedians we've seen that and we don't like it we don't approve of it so honestly if you made your problem comedian suing comedians you might you might win this one yeah i think i'll change it to that all right i think that's a pretty good one purple monkey dishwasher everything else to add to this saga i hope that stuttering john John Melendez leaves you alone. Well, he's going after you! You're not a host, or you're not a comedian. You're just a guy who sent a clip of him doing shitty stand-up to this show.

I'm just some dumb 22-year-old in Florida. Why the hell is he sending me threatening emails, threatening to fucking sue me and shit? Well, I'll tell you this. If Stuttering John goes at you, I think this show's community would have your back, I think this show's community would have your back. I think the WATP community would have your back. So hopefully

there's nothing to worry about. And hopefully, even though this is the dumbest, stupidest piece of shit in the world, hopefully he's not dumb enough to start suing guys for making fun of him on the internet. We'll see. Who knows? Maybe I'll be included in a WATP lawsuit. Who knows? It might work work out it could be like

a mad cook scenario where i'm just dragged in there well thank you purple monkey dishwasher for coming on i think you got a good problem there that was purple monkey dishwasher everybody who i am kicking real quick i got a couple super chats here moving along uh and really i would i do want to say before i look at these super chats that um i love who are these podcasts great podcast uh i know a lot of you guys are dick show listeners hopefully you've listened to dick on that show they do crossovers and this whole saga of stuttering john trying to sue watp has shades of another comedy lawsuit that you may remember so it's all very interesting.

I highly recommend listening to the Stuttering John stand-up comedy, leaked audio from the Dabbler. If you want to hear some terrible stand-up and the legal actions that make comedy, you can't sue other comedians. It never works out. It doesn't look good. And Stuttering John, your whole career has been based on goofing on other people, going into press conferences and shitting on them.

So how can you be upset that all of a sudden they're turning around doing it to you? Spider Eternal for two says, call up Asterios. Yes, I would come to a live show. Yeah, Asterios, call in wherever you are. Mike Hunt for two says, watch the latest Friday Night Tights with Alex Jones. That did drop and i'm very excited i'm a big alex jones guy and as a doctor says ben ben nalny gores md as a doctor i approve of the call-in show fantastic let's go back to the pokemon guy and see if he figured out

his audio yeah can you hear me now man there it is now for those of you who did not listen to the Pokemon guy and see if he figured out his audio. Yeah, can you hear me now, man? There it is. Now, for those of you who did not listen to the live show, you were the one who accosted me for calling you out for scalping Pokemon cards professionally. Oh, yeah. Yeah, hell yeah. Rather than let children purchase little

$4 packs of joy, you have to buy all of them for yourself to resell them online look if people are willing to redo it a scalper's market is a dream you know we talked after the dick show about you wanting to do a playstation 5 scalp things like that and i totally support that man whatever we got to do to get ahead look i scalp but i don't scalp professionally if a scalping opportunity arises okay i understand if i'm at the store and i see a playstation 5 i go well maybe i'll buy it and i can flip it for a couple hundred bucks on like craigslist

or something you go to multiple stores right like you you go to walmart before they show up no i've stopped going to walmart because they're usually damaged packages so i go okay you gotta get the good ones yeah exactly they're just throwing it on the shelves because they're usually damaged packages. Oh, okay. You've got to get the good ones. Yeah, exactly. They're just throwing it out on the shelves because they know the kids are just going to buy whatever the fuck's there. I want to get the good stuff. It resells more. So where do you get the good stuff for? Where do you scalp these days? You usually just go to local card shops

who actually store it, put it on shelves. That's how they're making their livelihood, right? But do you buy them out, or do you just buy a couple? I buy two or three boxes, open one for myself, and then put the rest on sale once the market's dry. All right. Well, that's not...

When I talk about Scalabit, I'm talking about the guys who buy every single pack in the store. I think what you're doing, it's fine. I'm not too upset about it. Anyway, Pokemon guy. Yeah. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. Do you have a biggest problem in the universe?

Yeah, so my biggest problem in the universe right now is investing like an adult. Yeah. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. Do you have a biggest problem in the universe? Yeah. So my biggest problem in the universe right now is investing like an adult. Yeah. So if you remember after the dick show, you were telling me that I needed to go invest in crypto and in stocks and whatnot and invest like a man would. Yeah, exactly. So I took your advice and it's the biggest fucking mistake I've ever done. Like I've lost like about two, three grand's worth. Oh, wow.

Two, three grand. I wish I had. I wish I was on that fucking boat. I tell you what. I can ever done. I've lost a couple like about two, three grand's worth. Oh, wow. Two, three grand. I wish I was in that fucking boat. I tell you what. I can only imagine. But you know, with my Pokemon cards, I got like two grand just sitting right here. Alright, I'm going to say this to you. Do you think markets aren't connected? Because honestly, if you're

worried about the value of your investment going down, I don't know if Pokemon cards are going to hold on to these valuations nearly as long as a stock might but god bless your heart it's only just gone up you know i've done the other adult thing i'm buying a condo markets only go up crypto only goes up right no i i mean nostalgia only goes up people are only going to chase after the good days right like crypto showed us that it it can work but it might not work because it's dropped like chasing after the good

old days great until you need to buy baby formula and you gotta and you gotta sell your pokemon card collection i'll make it work somehow all right well i you know what honestly investing like an adult is not a bad problem because it has turned out disastrously. But who knows? Markets always come back, right? Unless the whole world ends, which would also be fine. We'll all be done then. No more debt.

All right. Thank you, Pokemon guy. That's the Pokemon guy. One of my favorites. Guys, yeah. Unfortunately, I don't have my Stock Tip Veto jingle ready to go. Stock Tip Veto, Big Trader Veto is here. Yeah, here's my stock advice.

Burn your house to the ground for the insurance money. There you go. That's the only investment advice I have. Now, hopefully, it's keeping people in order. I think it is. So let me try adding Jeff to the stream. Jeff? Hi, Theo. Can you hear try adding Jeff to the stream. Jeff. Hi, Theo.

Can you hear me? I can hear you, Jeff. How are you? I'm good, mate. I'm good. Where are you calling in from? I'm calling in from the UK. So it's about half two in the morning at the moment.

A cheeky bread at 2 a.m. Jeez. Yeah, mate. It's proper down there, mate. Listen, my biggest problem, and it's an actual biggest problem, is late work emails, mate. It's proper down here, mate. Listen, my biggest problem, and it's an actual biggest problem, is late work emails, mate. So I work for the NHS, and I've just got off from work. And just before I got off, I had to... And real quick, for those of us in the States, the NHS is...

The National Health Service. There it is. It's a commie, socialized healthcare for you lot. Yeah, you fucking communists anyway anyway i get this email just before i go off from work and it's to help somebody discharge a patient now it's mate it's it's 10 o'clock on the in the evening on a friday and it's going to take me at least an hour to do all this paperwork. And they've emailed me 20 minutes before I go off from work.

I just want to go through. And they've said, what have I got to do now? And I obviously, oh, it's just ridiculous, mate. And they had the information. They could have emailed you earlier, right? Oh, they could have done a lot of things.

These people don't plan ahead. They don't value your time. Well, they don don't plan ahead. They don't value your time. Well, they don't value my time. They don't value the patient's time. They just hate me. I mean, it's the UK. We've got a ton of problems. I need a license to watch the TV.

I've got a pro tax. I'm not able to buy guns and shoot up scores. Oh, you got a license for that screwdriver, mate? Oh, man. I always see your guys' cops being like, we got all these deadly weapons off the street, and shoot up schools. You got a license for that screwdriver, mate. Oh, you know, license. I see. I always see your guys cops being like, we got all these deadly weapons off the street and it's like a butter knife, a screwdriver, like a shard of pottery. And I'm like, what the?

All right. Good work. UK cops keeping the streets safe. Yeah. Yeah. It's my biggest problem. The universe is fucking Britain. What's wrong with you people?

UK. You're all nuts. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, love the universe is fucking Britain. What's wrong with you people? UK. You're all nuts. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, love the show. Keep up. Thank you, Jeff. Thank you. One more time.

Biggest problem in the universe is late work emails. Yes? That's it, mate. That's it. All right. Get to bed, you nut. What is he doing? Calling in at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Poor guy. Poor guy. Getting these late emails. Let's talk to Man Boobs Sama. Man Boobs. You got about two seconds before I remove you from this call. You done. You messed up.

If you figure out your microphone, let me know. We got Jack Rockstar here. Hey, can you hear me? I can. how you doing jack pretty good pretty good um jack what is the biggest problem in the universe i've got it for you don't you okay i'm excited um yellow highlighters yellow highlighters sorry my bad well you're talking about the ones that you highlight things on a piece of paper with the marker, right? No, I'm talking about the whiteboard ones.

The ones where you put... Oh, you mean like dry erase markers? Yeah, sorry. Okay. There we go. But now that we've defined it, it is the biggest problem in the universe. Because the point of those dry erase markers is to be legible on a board and you can never see a yellow dry erase marker ever why are you using a yellow dry erase marker why don't you use one

of the black ones because they come in a pack of all of those different ones i never use them but every single time that you ever come into like a board room or anything yeah there's always yeah there's a yellow one. Well, aren't you supposed to draw with the black one and then use the yellow one to highlight over the black one? You can't see anything. All right, Jack. This is the stupidest problem ever. Mark, how you doing?

Mark's eating chips. All right. That was great, Mark. Good work. Here comes Shark Girl. Shark Girl, are you there? Yes. Can you hear me? Yes, I can shark girl are you there yes can you hear me yes i can how are you i'm well um what is hold let me do my thing shut up okay shark girl first of all where are you calling from shark girl uh south carolina charleston wow a lot of carolinas give the same liquor problem as well we do i'm actually originally from the dc area and i

commented that we can get alcohol and pretty much late at night in dc and in northern virginia and also um on sunday so that kind of pissed me off here yeah i hear you. Well, Shark Girl, I got a question for you. Okay. What cup size are you? No. What is the biggest problem in the universe? First, B. Second, B. All right. No, that's a different type of problem.

Go ahead. All men seem to be hoarders. Before I get into that, I want to comment on one quick thing. Adult hoarder men? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. All right. You want to comment on Pokemon.

Go ahead. Pissed me off. Invest like a man. What the fuck, dude? I invest so much shit, and I actually invest really well, and I have people that help me figure out how to invest. Yeah. I'm a female so so you do well in the market you you do well with your investments yes what do you invest in typically like index funds or what um yes index funds um one one that I recently just invested a lot in is Triple Q.

Yeah, Triple Q is a pretty, well, right now tech's dropping, but maybe it should come back, we're going to hope. But you're probably up now if you invested in the last, like, six months ago. You're probably up, right? I invested about $1,500 or so a month ago. Wow. All right, so you're saying investing like an adult does work if you stay the course yes what about yoloing all my savings into luna what do you think about that is that investing like an adult no that's just any all your luna luna 2.0 is going to eliminate

all the problems with the original luna so why would I, I would be a fool to not invest, right? I think you need to get your brain checked. Fair enough. Fair enough. Well done shark girl. So real quick, did you have,

it was your problem. This other problem you brought up. So all men seem to be hoarders. I have known this from past relationships, especially I just moved in with my boyfriend and we were trying to get rid of some stuff yeah i talked to a lot of my girlfriends about this that are married and i'm like is it just me or all guys hoarders and they immediately like jumped on that they were like we can't get our husbands get rid of jack shit my boyfriend wouldn't even get rid of his fucking hair gel from when he was in high school. He's 25 years

old. Alright, well that's pretty bad. That's pretty bad. But I mean, here's the thing with you ladies. How often do you fix stuff in the house? Have you ever hung a shelf? Hung a shelf?

No, but I carried shelves in and they were already put together. Here's what you don't understand about guys is we keep things around because they will be useful at a point in time. So I have extra screws, nails, tools of all sorts, you know, little whatever putties and glues and nonsense. you know little whatever putties and glues and nonsense so we hoard useful items because men actually you know do things inside the house other than just sit around and spend someone else's money like do you understand that yeah i'm thinking more like that everything you just said actually makes a lot that's all fine okay i'm talking about the hair gel that he's saving and like well we're talking about investing these are these are rare collectibles ma'am all right yeah i figured i just wanted to be telling you a little bit but yeah there's a lot

of them and they're this evangelion kubrick figure i believe i I paid $200 for it. And I want to say the cheapest one right now is on eBay for $800. So that's a real investment. Also, just so you know, my boyfriend's next to me laughing his ass off. Shut up. I have an excuse to hoard things. And that excuse is that my life is falling apart. So why not surround myself in the debris of my childhood and i think that's fair is that men let's be clear we have high higher rates of suicide uh you horrible harlots keep uh taking half our shit uh every

time we try to enter a relationship with you it's just like a little game for you to rip us off. So, you know, we have to amass so much shit so that when you take half of it, we have something left. Do you understand what I'm saying? All this shit. If any one of you horrible vagina monsters ever tricks me into a marriage, half my shit goes away,

like in a blink of an eye. So that's why I need so much of it to keep some of it safe so again what makes sense is stuff that actually is money that makes like your collectibles kind of make sense because they have an attachment yeah if it's stuff that's worth nothing yeah i i almost understand what you're saying yeah and um i had a friend that told me that she couldn't get her husband to get rid of a freaking chair it's like no we can sell it for a lot of money like we can totally sell it it's like maybe he could sell what kind of chair was it i don't know i mean here's the thing i'm gonna automatically when another man because here's the thing is i hear a

man he goes my wife wants you to throw out this chair. It's worth hundreds of dollars. I got to side with the man. He would know more about the marketplace for fine wood furniture. Two years later, the chair was still there. So wife ended up going, okay. Accruing additional value. It's already gone up. Do you sell your house at the bottom of the market, or do you sit and you wait?

That chair is going to put his kid through college. Shark Girl, one more time. What is your problem? Give me a name. Male hoarders. Male hoarders. Thank you, Shark Girl, for being a fan of the show. That was Shark Girl reminding us why you need to collect as much shit as possible,

because they will take they will just take it they're going to take it all everything behind me i've managed to keep myself uh divorced away from these these horrible women but at any point they could trick me and all those beautiful game boy games you see back there uh she's taking half of them let's see if man boob some have figured out man boob some of you figure out your microphone hey how's it going, how's it going? Hey, how's it going, buddy? Where are you calling from? I'm calling from Indiana.

Fantastic. Indiana. Wow. I've never been out. I actually had a buddy living out there. A lot of corn. Nice farmland. Blue skies. Cool brews. Good buds. Yep.

All right. Well, Manboob Sama, you might know what question's coming, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. What is the biggest problem in the universe? This one really pisses me off. It's hookers who require a fucking CV. They need three. You mean the back of the the card they need the

three numbers on the credit card well that too but just they need like a fucking they references from other hookers you oh they want references yeah they want a curriculum vitae is this guy gonna cut my head off now you're probably fine yeah well that's yeah i mean we i've heard about this i think there was a dick show caller who uh had different you know uh hookers emailing around saying watch out because this guy's a freak um what what oh yeah kiwi chris so like yeah kiwi chris i think was running into this problem so do they ask you like hey what other hookers have you put your junk inside of and did it end well so they can call them up

like i've i've only slept with one and i didn't ask her i didn't realize that was a thing at the time you forgot to get her car you got yeah at the end you got to do a survey that's such that's such an awkward question like hey can i uh can i use you as a reference we need and you know like how when you get out of an uber there's like a five star rating and you can leave comments. We need that for John's. We need, you know, John Uber or whatever the hell it is. What's that other one? Whatever the car is.

What's the one with a lift or whatever? So after you have sex with a hooker, she leaves and then immediately it's like, hey, did that guy wear a condom? Was he nice to you? You know, did he start crying and telling you you looked like his mother? If so, deduct two stars. I think that's the thing Chris was getting such bad reviews on. They have a thing like that for Australia. They do.

Wasn't there like, so there's a whisper network of some sort. Yeah. That's fascinating. yeah that's fascinating well i mean how often are you frequently frequenting these uh these hookers i mean can't you tell them it's my first time and i you know i've always i've saved myself and i'm just a shy little guy can't you just lie to them i mean the ones that are fuckable probably not really yeah they demand so you have to have sex with a starter hooker first to get to the good ones i i guess you need to collect references from the slum dogs in order to qualify for the mercedes cocktease or whatever the hell her name is yeah well that just that that doesn't sound

like good capitalism to me that sounds like like unfair business practice. And frankly, I hope the government looks into it. I'm sure the government is probably the problem. If I had to look into it. You know what? Because it's illegal, it is. Yeah. Well, on Man Boom Summit, have you been able to acquire female companionship regardless? Has it happened for you?

Oh, God, no. Not without money. Jesus, what do you mean? What do you mean not with the money? You've got to have money. without money. Jesus. What do you mean not with the money? Look at my avatar. What do you think you're talking about? Well, the biggest problem in the universe, then, is that you don't have the money for hookers. It's got nothing to do with the rating system, motherfucker. I'm sure if you

pay them more, they will overlook whatever your star ranking is, right? Famously in American Psycho, Christian Bale gives them a couple extra hundred bucks. Then he gets to like cut their tits off and shit. So there's a whole if you got the money, you can make it work.

I guess. All right, man. Boobs. Thanks for coming by. Let's see if Mark's here. Mark, you there? How's it going? How's it going?

Hey, Mark, you were eating chips before. Hi, how's it going? It's going going? Hey, Mark, you were eating chips before. Hi, how's it going? It's going good. Mark, where are you calling from? This dumb motherfucker is listening to me on the YouTube stream instead of the Streamlabs stream. All right, Mark, you had two tries. You're gone. Sorry, Mark.

I love you. Let's talk to Parrot Guy. Parrot Guy, are you there? Hey, can you hear me, Vito? I can hear you, Parrot Guy. How's it going? Hey, great evening. Happy, Vito? I can hear you, Parrot Guy. How's it going? Hey, great evening. Happy to be here and talk to you again.

Fantastic. And I'll say this to the audience. If you're listening to the show on YouTube, you should pause it if you're in the queue for Streamlabs and listen to it on Streamlabs, because otherwise there's going to be a gigantic fucking delay. And you get two tries, and Mark failed both. Parrot Guy, where where you calling from my

i'm calling from the wonderful armpit of the of what you call usa new jersey i love that you forgot the name of the country you live in i'm calling from fuck where am i new jersey huh i got a jersey boy huh oh yeah i just came back from the Jersey Fair, ate an $18 chicken leg, paid $75 for gas, living the high life. See, that's my biggest problem, is why would I go anywhere? It costs a fortune. My ex-girlfriend right now, I got to go feed her cats, and I didn't realize she lives in Anaheim, like 40 minutes away.

I'm like, it's costing me like 50 bucks to go feed your fucking cats. It's crazy. Anyway, Parrot Guy uh you know the rules you know the game what is the biggest problem in the universe i got a big problem we've got minor problems so far from your audience i'm here to bring the big shit the big shit is the technocracy that we live in because you know before in the good old 50s and 60s uh it was oh you go to the coal mine you go to the auto shop, you go there and you get your middle class life. That doesn't exist

anymore. And now it is all just the giant tech companies and let's face it, not everyone is built to learn to code. So the only way to get the really good shit is to get into the coding game, the coding mines, learn to code,

learn your JavaScript you learn your 14 different coding languages or else you're fucked and then the best you could do is like schmucks like us are trying to get into those uh what you call the fluff positions the communications manager the scales the the buzzfeed blog writer so we can get that health insurance uh let me let me interrupt real quick what is is your profession, sir? It is varied. I've done a lot of things. Right now I'm working in a law office,

but I did previously work at Yale. Working in a law office. Okay, and sales. So it sounds like you've been working. Are those not technocratic positions? I mean, those are white-collar jobs. No, they're not. That's white-collar?

What are you doing? Are you a male clerk i am not getting the white collar salaries but i will not the set i know but you're working in an office building i assume yes i work in an office building okay i want that buzzfeed money i want but i'm saying you don't want to work in a fucking coal mine i'm sure you don't want to work in a factory do you what i guess what i don't want to work in a factory i just want easier access to the technocracy bullshit jobs i want to be that by buzzfeed guy who's getting the fucking 60k to write listicles but it is next impossible to get in those goddamn positions we gotta be good at writing listicles

how many listicles have you written i have written many listicle on uh fucking uh what you call a blog but they're just not good enough for the buzzfeed standards well buzzfeed does have mighty high standards have you tried about uh branching out independently maybe turning your listicle into a video you could upload to i have done that i have done that on youtube and the algorithm is about a fickle mistress well it is i mean so you're saying there's a tech there's a tech blogger ceiling that needs to be smashed i honestly i think we should just admit the truth that like youtube should just say everyone gets a 60k job and you you just watch videos all day let's just admit it that we're i don't think going to get rid of

economically viable i don't think that works it is. I don't think that works. It is not. It is not viable, but I'm sure the Google conglomerate that is always talking about uplifting poor communities could actually uplift those communities. Let's just have bullshit tech jobs and Facebooks and the Googles where you watch all the edgy videos

and a repetitive thing. Is it economically viable? Probably not. Let me be clear. Your problem is you want Google to give you a free job with free money to dick around and watch videos. Yes. Get out of here. What a fucking idiot. Thank you, parent guy.

Stupidest problem I've ever heard in my fucking life. I just want free money to hang out on the internet. You gotta provide some sort of service. Look at me. I've been grinding away and trying to be kind of funny. And I don't make nothing.

I make a pittance from all this stupid internet shit. All right. They're not going to just start giving it away. You want to get to where I am? You want the shelf full of toys? You want to live the blogger lifestyle? I don't know what to tell you. You got to keep putting your nose in the grindstone no one's gonna no one's gonna hand it to you as a rare steak cube says typical liberal don't want to work in a factory veto hates the working working class i don't hate the working

class i just think this man's lying when he says he used to be great when he could get a job in the coal mines i don't think he believes that at all we had a couple other super chats stock tip veto day trader veto from john h with purple monkey dishwash said if you want safe investments start a roth ira invest in safe etfs and trusts good good advice honestly getting frisky says thanks for letting me on your show hope those real investments work out i think that might be shark girl thank you shark girl and uh yeah listen man we love the working class here but part of that word working class is the word work you got to do something can't just sit around clicking on shit and getting paid uh unless you want to argue for

universal basic income and then i might have been there with you but you don't get a lot of it and you just get you know you get a pittance you know what though we got one of our favorites it and you just get you know you get a pittance you know what though we got one of our favorite friends of the show good friend of mine an excellent commentator youtuber we have of course tricksy the golden witch is here hey what a flattering intro thank you well we love tricksy the golden witch here on biggest problem in the universe of course you've been a long time uh member of the community and uh i don't even know what to call you. I've been doing your show also, the Monday Night Rift, like every Monday, which is a lot of fun. Well, that's a great.

Thank you for the plug. I'd like to mention, if you like these kind of live, stupid shows of everyone yelling at each other, over on YouTube.com slash Vito. Every Monday at 6, we have the Monday Night Rift, where you'll see people like me, Trixie. We've had Tony from Hack the Movies. we've had tony from hack the movies we've had john from john breaks bad news we all get together and talk shit about the news of the day i think it's been pretty fun yes i i think so i have a great time on the show that's a good show well tricksy yes i think you've seen the show before so i got one question for you. What is the biggest problem in the universe? Women pee too loud. Women peeing too loudly.

No, they all do. All women pee too loud. Have you heard women pee? Have you heard a lot of peeing? Yeah, I mean, it's been a while, but yeah. It was kind of loud, right? Were you surprised, ever taken aback by how intense the sound is of that? Well, I don't i mean

because of a like a it kind of feels like a penis should be louder than a vagina but maybe it's because they're forcing it through that wide tunnel so i have to aggressively assume so but yeah it's it was shocking to me obviously as a trans woman i spent a lot of my life in the men's bathroom always felt very uncomfortable there it was like oh i don't want any i don't want to see anything i don't want any just want to see anything you know at these urinals but the women's bathroom it's all stalls so there's nothing to see nobody's nothing to be worried about but uh women pee really loud like unbelievably loud and it used to make me uncomfortable back when i thought i was a guy that i peed less intensely than other guys and i know lots of this this is a whole it's actually in the dsm uh five or whatever about like this is interesting for

you as a transgender woman do you feel the need to pee louder to prove your woman i mean there's no way to i'm trying to piss it's there's you can bring a little speaker with you into the woman's so when you're when you're peeing they go well then that's clearly a woman based on people how loud the pee is do that now that you've given them like a way through this i mean well like if you're you know because some transgender people will change the you know the tone of their voice they're obviously trying to dress more feminine perhaps as part of the transitioning process we should provide transgender women with a tiny loudspeaker so their urination is louder like a biological woman. Yeah.

There was actually, I think, an old SNL Tim Robinson bit about male version of enhanced pissing to make you piss harder and have a better stream. A lot of people didn't care about it. But I didn't realize the level of insecurity you could get to as a trans woman about it that it would be a whole different ball game that women piss even louder than the loudest man you have you have piss imposter syndrome now you think you hear your piss and you get nervous i get nervous because i feel like a spy sometimes that i'm in there like uh-oh i hope nobody fucking like hears how quiet i pee and gets suspicious like you know i wish I could pee harder

to claim the true throne of womanhood yeah uh unironically unironically I really hope it's not unironically I really hope you're not wrestling with this Trexie be proud of you and your ability to piss however which way it happens

before I take off I also want to mention i have a show called the rant room that's basically this exact concept people call in they rant i rant about their rant it's currently on a monthly basis and is that over on yig studio yep on yig studio the rant room check that out always tricksy gets a plug because tricksy's a fan of the show head on over to yig studio biggest problem, subscribe to the Yig Studio to get all the greatest Trixie the Golden Witch content. Thank you so much, Trixie.

Women peeing loudly. Women pee too loud. That's how I want to phrase it. Women pee too loud. Because it's all of them. It's not just all women pee. But the real problem is that it makes us self-conscious about how little we pee.

And I understand. What a problem, Trixie. Thank you so much. That was Trixie the Golden Witch, everybody. Great guest. Great fan of the show. Grating Frisky wants to say this was not Shark Girl. It was Pokemon Guy.

Well, thank you, Pokemon Guy. Tarnus says, dust your shelves. I agree. I wanted to dust them, but I'm in the midst of reorganizing everything. So I might actually replace those shelves entirely, but I know they're dusty. Thank you for shaming me. Jack the Rockster says, my job matches my 401k up to 6% of my paycheck. That's pretty good.

The only problem with the company is the yellow dry erase markers. Not a good problem. Not a good one. We have, coming up, Aids McKenzie. Aids, are you there? Hey, what's up, Vito? Hey, how's it going, buddy? Where are you calling from? Calling from Maine.

Maine! I'm about to hit you with a Vito fun fact. Are you excited? Very excited. Vito was born in Maine. Shocker. Oh, no way. A Maine boy. No, actually, a little town called Presque Isle, Maine.

At the very tip-top of Maine. A little island called Presque Isle. And I've never been back to the land of my birth. I've always met Sue, and I never have. I should. I've been meaning to visit that coast. We'll see if I make it happen. Maine's cold as fuck, though, right? Is that your problem?

No, but my problem does definitely involve both of us. Okay. What is the biggest problem in the universe, Aids? The biggest problem in the universe is people from Massachusetts. People from Massachusetts? Oh, my God. Well, Aids, famously, I grew up in Massachusetts. members is people from massachusetts people from massachusetts oh my god well aids famously i grew up in massachusetts i'm a person from massachusetts in a way and i'm sure you have to deal with this every day i'm a mass hole at heart i mean that was where i spent my formative years what is wrong with massachusetts says theholes, as we call them. Massholes. Massholes is a good name for the problem.

It wasn't so much of a problem pre-COVID, but 2020 forward, everyone from Massachusetts decided, hey, we can work remote now. Don't have to be in Massachusetts, so let's all work remote now. Don't have to be in Massachusetts. So let's all work remote in Maine. So now... Did a bunch of people from Massachusetts move to Maine to get the cheap housing and everything?

Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New York. Yeah, because Massachusetts and Connecticut, Connecticut especially, honestly, has taxes like frickin' crazy. I think Connecticut has far worse taxes than Massachusetts. I could be wrong.

No, you used to work in New Haven, Connecticut. Highest taxes by state. But it's basically it's New England flights. They are fleeing from New England

to get the hell away from the taxes. I mean, Maine is still New England, but what is the taxes like in Maine? Are they not as bad? Or is the property lower? Yeah, lower taxes. Spire Eternal says Connecticut has a 20% income

tax. Oh my god. Yeah, that was about between federal and state. When I was working in god yeah that was that was about between federal and state when i was working in connecticut that was like 40 of my paycheck well what do you call it uh i've been looking at i have some friends who recently moved to new hampshire which famously has no income tax so i'm sure they're dealing with the same thing where people from massachusetts are fleeing over the border to new hampshire to ma, basically anywhere that isn't Massachusetts or Connecticut because you just lose your shirt. Oh yeah. You go to

the gas station and it's every plate is out of state. They're all lifted, you know, $80,000 trucks that they have to drive because they work at a Boston office job and they're emasculated by life well i guess the one critique i'd have for this problem is uh you're not thinking globally enough because this is happening across the nation now i'm in california obviously the worst place for taxes i got to get out of here at some point but then you hear from nevada like las vegas recently we went to las vegas to uh hang out

dick around and there's all these signs everywhere saying get the call you california bastards get the hell out of here uh but it is true that i mean i look at my job and i go the only reason i'm in california and i've said this to people is to do this podcast and uh other than that there's really nothing holding me here i've you know the other thing is maybe a few connections in the movie industry which is based out here trying to work my way in which is never going to happen but ultimately i imagine that i'm going to leave this tax hellhole for anywhere that's a little less uh uh horrible new hampshire being of course what i've been eyeing so yeah a lot of people are just fleeing around the country because nothing's holding them down i mean why

wouldn't you we're a disconnected society you can do your job from anywhere well that's that's the interesting part is they they flee because they go okay well massachusetts connecticut new york is messed up here let's do new hampshire let's go to Maine. Let's go to Florida, Nevada, whatever. But then they continue to vote as if they're in where they came from. They vote for the same tax-hugging policies that got them in trouble in the first place. Yep. And that's why Portland, Maine is now becoming Boston, too. Yeah. yep and that's why portland maine is now becoming boston too uh yeah well i mean we just saw what do you call in california san francisco just kicked out their da i think a lot of these people

are becoming uh aggressively what do you call it upset with these horrible policies that they've seen so maybe maybe things are changed for the better maybe liberals are realizing that uh you know you do got to be tough on crime and you can't tax the shit out of everybody i don't know uh but we are in a we are in a mess and uh once house prices hopefully settle down a little bit i don't know if this recession will help out i might be looking to get that they have to because who's going to be able to afford a house if you can't get a job? You can't buy a house. The rich people can only buy so many of them without it being a

losing proposition. You can't just hold on to them forever without ever selling them. My hope is that once house prices level out, you're out of there. I want to convince Dick to move too. I think Dick would maybe move because he's got nothing holding him in California, either, I don't think.

Other than his family's out here. I keep telling him, like, Dick, why don't we just move the show to Vegas or New Hampshire? We pay no income tax. We can buy a huge property. We could set up, like, an actual podcasting studio. I don't know. That's just how I would do it. But, Dick, I can't tell Dick what to do.

So I don't know. That's just how I would do it. But I can't tell Dick what to do. You should look up the compound of libertarians that moved up to New Hampshire and started their own settlement up in northern New Hampshire. And they pissed the hell out of the locals, but they were trying to start their own little commune. Well, that was why they went. Yeah, New Hampshire is famously. Live free or die. Yeah, live Hampshire is famously. Live free or die. Yeah, live free or die.

And all the libertarians went there. Unfortunately, there's all this. All the news I'm looking up on this is like being negative about it. But they had the right idea. I guess Grafton and New Hampshire is a town they took over. And they all moved in. And basically, yeah, turned it into a small government as possible i mean yeah i mean when i was in massachusetts the best thing is you meet

these people who got a house out in the woods the cops don't know they're there nobody bothers them you do whatever you want you can drink smoke the government leaves you alone and new hampshire is like kind of like a playground for that stuff the cops aren't gonna bother you in the middle of the fucking woods. Granted, you got to buy a gun. You got to fend for yourself. I got a bunch of buddies who just moved to New Hampshire and I'm eager. I'm itching to meet them out there.

To be fair, in Boston, the cops don't bother if you're doing drugs. What did you say? In Boston, the cops don't bother. No, before that. You said to be something. Oh, oh, I suck cocks. You suck cocks, motherfucker.

Get out of here. That was Aids McKenzie who sucks cocks. I get to do it now. I get to press the buzzer. I don't have a buzzer noise, but I wish I had one. He said the word. He said the thing. I got to get a buzzer.

Aids, you got one last thing you can say i feel bad aids no i i feel like that was a good cut off good good cut off get out of here you moron all right that was aids i'm too nice i'm too nice get out of here all right guys we're gonna bring in the hell kind of name is this? Cruisin' Chubbies. Hello, Cruisin'. How's it going, buddy? Pretty great. How about you? I don't care. Let's go.

I don't care. Well, how have you been enjoying the Biggest Problem call-in show? Has it been fun for you? It's been okay so far. It's been okay. Better than I expected. Better than you expected. Well, that's what I like to hear.

Jazz Link says this episode is great. Dick needs to do the next one. What do you think about Dick joining for a rapid-fire call-in show? I think that would be awful. You think that would be awful? Yeah, Dick really turned the show down. Maddox really kept the show going. He doesn't know if he likes the format.

He thinks it would be terrible if Dick joined it. Well, why don't you tell us then what's your biggest problem in the universe? People who overstay their welcome. People who overstay their welcome with a quick exit from cruising chubbies you know what i kind of appreciate that cruising good work uh good good appearance and if anything best appearance a guy who shows up gives me a problem gets the fuck out of here i don't gotta talk to him fantastic road for two says dick couldn't make it this week and that is true that is very true someone up here is saying southern california weather's really nice that's true

that's one of the good things about california is whenever it gets really cold i get i always get sick uh jack rockstar who was previous on the show said the only good problem this episode was the yellow dry erase marker one i'm gonna say please vote it down vote that one if if i can convince dick we might have to make an impromptu poll i don't know where we're gonna put the voting but uh yellow dry erase markers not a good one um good joining me on the show is a good friend of the show that's a lie i have no idea who this is it's smegma man x smegma man how are you i'm all right can you hear me okay i can hear you great you sound good where are you calling from smegma uh so just hearing the

name out loud uh well you chose the fucking name motherfucker you're right you're right uh so i'm from the la area i'm okay in la man well if we do a live biggest problem in the universe are you gonna come out oh heck yeah i'm looking forward to it good that's what i like to hear well it's back my man time to play the game what is the biggest problem in the universe okay so my biggest problem uh would be people who thank God for your work. So I do have like a little example, you know. An example would be very helpful. Let's do it.

Right. So there was this girl I knew, very God-loving, and she wanted to have like a Bible get-together with club members, right? And I provided the food And I provided the food. I provided the food. I paid for it. I bought the meal. And who do you think they all thanked? I'm going to imagine they thanked

God for the tidings. Oh, yeah. Are you a religious person? No, not so much. No. Okay. So was this thing you went to a religious gathering?

Oh, no. So maybe just for some more context, basically, it was a religious gathering, but more of a community college. It was a club. Okay. Like the Christ Lovers for Christ. Okay. Like the Christ lovers for Christ. Okay. Like-minded individuals. So you got invited to a religious gathering

and you thought they weren't going to thank God for the food. Well, you're not wrong there. I feel like you're not. I feel like there's certain... Were you trying to date a religious chick? Were you trying to get with the child of God you are a winner that is absolutely well then there's certain parts of the game you gotta play smegma one of them is everything you're right hey hey hey i did play it you did play along you just think it's a little silly

just a little bit like because it wasn't just that it was it was and also smug my man god's agent uh you should have i done you should have said i'm i'm kind of like an apostle here i'm kind of like a messenger of god by picking up these pizzas right but just to prove to you that i i'm not completely uh uh evil in on this. Jesus' most trusted disciple is St. Peter, and he doubted Jesus three times, and yet Jesus trusted him as the greatest bro.

So you're saying that your denial of Jesus makes you a better Jesus person? Essentially, Peter basically thought... I don't need a bible as a smegma man there's only one shut the fuck up shut the fuck up did you seal the deal did you have sex with this chick yeah yeah well then you got nothing to complain about this isn't a problem at all

get out of here smegma man oh i had sex with a woman because i pretended her god was real that's a that's not a problem that's a solution you tricked a woman because I pretended her God was real. That's not a problem. That's a solution. You tricked a woman into having sex by pretending that her sky friend was a real guy, Smegma. Look at him. He's laughing. He's laughing now. Get out of here, you fucking idiot. You're fucking not a problem. Yeah.

The only problem is you're going to trick women into having sex by pretending their God is real. That might be okay. That's a little bit of a problem, but it works. So it's not a problem. If anything, it it's a life hack it's a life hack you trick these religious broads you go yeah yeah you know god got that food for you but you know who brought the dick to dinner this motherfucker that's that's the game you gotta play let's talk to deus.exe deus are you there i am indeed oh beautiful boy a big boy like myself deus where you calling from i am in ohio ohio one of our beautiful that's the rust belt i believe

yes why don't they call it that because all the rusty tractors maybe i've never really thought about it well are you a fan of the show i like the show i like the you can't say you're a fan but you like it i'll take it all right deus well then let's play a game the game is called what is the biggest problem in the universe grocery stores grocery Grocery stores. Grocery stores? Yes. Okay. One place allowed to stay open during the pandemic. Sure. But don't grocery stores provide groceries? No. You know, what they do is they keep us fat.

And you know what? They can't even do that right. I went over to Kroger the other day. Sure. And the deli people tell me, oh, the deli's closed. So Iroger the other day. Sure. And the deli people tell me, oh, the deli's closed. So I come back the next day, and it's like 6.30.

Nobody's working the deli. And this is the same Kroger. I walk out, try to put the cart back, and the cart fucking locks the wheels up on me. I mean, I didn't even buy anything. They're treating me. So you went to the deli at 6.30. Well, no, aren't the delis, they close early.

You get to go during the day. They close at 8 p.m. 8 p.m. You were there on time. The elderly Japanese guy working in the seafood area. These lazy deli workers. And this Kroger has really just badly mistreated me

yeah wow what else have they done they have left the entrance to the store covered in dirt and puddles of water with piles of carts literally I literally had to

one time I went over there I had to grab a bunch of carts and toss them aside just to get into the store. That sounds like a safety hazard. Like, was your safety at risk, you think, with the carts everywhere and the ice and the sludge? My safety? Truthfully,

the issue is it's exactly the same as rape it's you think it's what going into a grocery store is the equivalent of rape absolutely well where do you get your food if not from a grocery store though i do go to the grocery store you're just saying the whole the grocery store experience is is truly horrendous it really is it's so inconsistent have you ever fought with a have you ever had a fight with someone working at a grocery store and told them i i won't stand for this kind of service no but what i do i will very loudly like if i go to buy strawberries or something. Right. And I end up finding moldy strawberries. I will just loudly be disgusted.

Oh, like because they should take them off the floor. They shouldn't be on the shelf. Someone should be there to kiss my ass and give me free strawberries. If I have to touch moldy strawberries. Well, I horrible, disgusting woman back there. She didn't even know how to use the meat slicer. A funny story

you might not know is I worked in a grocery store deli. And frankly, to hear you disparage the deli people, I don't think you understand how much work it is to keep those machines maintained, to slice the meats and the cheeses at the correct thickness. Not to mention, I don't think you understand how much work it is to keep those machines maintained, to slice the meats and the cheeses at the correct

thickness. Not to mention, I was running double duty at the seafood counter. You seem to think it's all shits and giggles back there. This is some real... If we had people working until the actual closing hours, maybe... They gotta be

on time. Yeah. Alright, Deus. Closing at like 5pm. I'm sorry. I have to have time after work to go get... You got stuff to do. What are you doing tonight?

Well, tonight I will probably go to bed. Yeah, so you gotta get back in time for that. You got like an empty room. What do you have? Just a speaker? A speaker? Oh, you got a bed back there? What is that, like a cat bed?

I have my dogs. Oh, look at that little puppy. Her name is Pickles. Well, hopefully you're not feeding pickles from the deli because you won't have anything to eat. Well, that's an adorable dog, Deus. I tell you what.

So ultimately, your problem is grocery store experiences. Ultimately, my problem is grocery store experiences. Well, thank you, Deus, for calling in. I don't know why. I thought that was uh brilliant but people in the chat are saying this guy is a sleeping pill uh they are putting ones in the chat to deus i think you were great uh i love to hear about the problems people are having this the show needs a voting format to move on to the next caller look deus had a he had a problem and

he was just trying to figure out the best way to put it uh now other people are critiquing me jayhawk says you don't need a dumb image every time someone brings in a problem i think the images help illustrate the problem take the snake says what's with the picture show i think it's funny to bring up a stupid problem but maybe that's just me okay well we're going to talk to Tiarni. We'll see how she feels about grocery stores. Tiarni, are you there? Oh, hello, hello. Good afternoon.

Hello. Where are you calling from, Tiarni? Brisbane in Australia. Oh, my gosh. And am I pronouncing your name right at all? Yes, you are there, but you did not in the chat earlier. Tiarni. All right.

Australia, huh? Yes. there but you did not in the chat earlier when i see arnie all right australia huh yes how how's the aussie lifestyle these days well that actually brings me to my problem okay it is cold and my problem is weather gatekeepers weather gatekeepers now we've had weather problems before dick famously brought in macho weatherman i think he bungled that problem let's see if you can uh excel where dick failed absolutely so my problem is weather gatekeepers and i live in brisbane so it's very similar to la temperature but at the moment it's quite cold so i've got my freedom units here so it's actually below 40 fahrenheit at the moment or it's usually over 80 but when people when i say i'm cold and people moment, or it's usually over 80. But when people, when I say I'm cold and people like,

Oh no, it's not that cold. You should try living here or you should try living there. Like I got a friend that's from Minnesota and he's like, Oh, you don't know what it's cold. Like you should just go live in Minnesota. Hold on.

I'm going to have to slow. You're saying that the problem is when you say it's cold and someone else says it's not really that cold, right? Absolutely. That it's colder where I am. Yep. I hate to come down on you, but I feel like this problem is already on the board. Did you hear Dick's problem of a macho weatherman?

It's the same, same, but different. What is the difference? Explain the difference to me. That it's just cold here, and I just don't want to get to deal with it. Tiarni, it's the same problem. The problem is the weather. People are bragging to you about their ability to withstand the weather. I mean, as people are saying in the chat, it's a good problem,

but it's been done. I mean, we've got so few female call hate, I hate to come down on you. Too bad. You can't double up on a problem. Oh, Tiarney. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to give you a big thumbs down. Try again next time. Tiarney from Australia, doubling up on the problems. I'm too

nice i can't i i can't i i wanted to eject her violently but she's such a nice lady i couldn't do it that is just macho weatherman all over again you double up on a problem i have to call it out we've seen that problem before thank you tiarni for trying maybe maybe next time we do a call in she's cold, Vito. What don't you understand? She's lucky she's cute, says Necrop. I know. When a cute girl comes on the show.

If that was a guy, if a guy tried to pull, doubling up on a problem, I would dump him. But frankly, the show has about, I think she's one of two female listeners, so I have to be nice because women do not like us and I understand it. Really quick, we're going to bring in another guy, good friend of the show and I would like to mention very quickly, I'm reading your chats, please, the super chats will be

split between me and Dick. Don't worry, I'm not taking all of them, so if you want to make sure Dick gets paid for not showing up, that's a bad plug. Regardless, thank you to everyone who's been supporting the show and I would like to mention don't forget that we have a a bonus problem available right now let me see if i can bring that up real quick biggest problem dot show we have right now the biggest pride in the universe

uh somebody was suggesting we call it the gayest problem in the universe uh but regardless our bonus episode an entire pride themed bonus episode is now available over on patreon and thank you to all our patreon people i don't know why i have to complete a captcha to uh what the hell is this i'm trying to look at our patreon but apparently I'm a bot or something Biggest problem Dick did not change the link so it still links to the wrong bonus episode Good work, Dick Biggest problem in the universe

Patreon at patreon.com slash biggest problem Currently at 1,162 patrons and we love every one of you We really do Let's talk to Justin What's up, Vito? Can you hear me? And we love every one of you. We really do. Let's talk to Justin sweat. Justin.

What's up Vito. Can you hear me? Uh, you sound good. Look at that professional gamer chair. Just a piece of shit from Amazon. I'm gamer. Uh,

yeah, sure. So, so, uh, yeah, I'm from St. Augustine,

Florida. And my biggest problem, no, the biggest problem in the universe is Ticketmaster. It's a huge piece of shit. Yeah, that's a good one. It's a huge piece of shit that supports scalpers. These guys are coming in concert.

I saw them last year, and I could only afford tickets up a couple rows up from the floor, and they're coming again. I was like, oh, shit. I got money saved. I can go get tickets in the pit. I logged in 30 seconds when the tickets went on sale, $179 in the pit. Resale tickets is all there is. Cause the fucking bots have bought them all up and ticket master allows it.

Ticket master allows it. Cause they get paid a second time when the ticket gets resold. Every time they get a little bit, they get a little bonus. So they love it. Yeah. It's, it's complete and utter horse shit. Yeah. If you're a fan of any popular band the only the only uh suggestion i

have is to listen to shittier music uh that seems to be the only way to avoid the ticket mass problem because i only listen to a band called guided by voices and usually their tickets they'll sell out eventually but uh the scalpers don't go too hard but even for anything like comedy shows out here in uh la they've been doing the netflix is a joke and they've had dave chappelle they had tim robinson uh dick's girlfriend is great at getting the tickets right on time she's like you should see if you can get a ticket to come along with us it's like yeah 200 bucks to see a fucking comedy show uh it's just bizarre yeah it's a it's absurd it's on it's unreasonable i mean i know there's supply demand but i don't know man

it's uh it is horrible yes is there a solution i mean we just got to stop the bots is it really the bots are the ones who are doing it honestly i think it's just fucking ticket master is too big for its britches they have a monopoly on all the big fucking shows anywhere you go it's all ticket master nobody else does tickets so they can just they could do whatever they want like if i take a ticket and i scalp it for twice the face value like i can go to jail but ticket master is allowed to just do it because reasons there are anti-scalping laws, it's very bizarre I don't know what's going on well thank you Justin Sweat with a great problem Ticketmaster

that one should win honestly IdahoMell for $9.99 says breaking news a woman is cold no matter the weather that is true Tiana Tone says it's cold, justify my problem look Tiana, I'm not saying your problem's not wrong. The problem is that you've been usurped.

Dick already had that problem. Your problem's the same as a previous problem. That's the problem. It's doubling up. All right, here's the deal. Guys, we got 15 minutes left in the show. So everybody who's here, rapid fire. I'm going to hit you.

I'm going to bring you on the show. You're going to give me your problem right away. And you got about, you got about 30 seconds to make me feel interested. Uh, and if you suck, I'm going to kick you right away. So rapid fire. I don't want to know anything about you. I don't want to know how your kid is. I don't want to hear how much you love the show. Just give me your problem. Mr. Mephisto Kajimi, what is the biggest problem in the universe? The biggest problem in the universe is shaking hands with women. When you shake hands with women, they always, like 50% of the time, they do this thing where they try to do it dainty. Instead of giving you a normal handshake, they do this little dainty princess, ooh, kiss me on the knuckles thing, like they're at a fancy ball gown.

Women can't give a manly handshake. It's just a normal handshake. I don't need to feel like I'm impressing a CEO. They're afraid if they show any amount of strength that the man will interpret it as he's shaking hands with another man and then just crush her hand, as men can do. I think it's a defense mechanism. Yeah. All right, Mr. Mephistphistogami terrible problem just terrible let's go to akumal hot and again if you guys

want to get in this lightning round there's a link in the description just go to that link and you will be in the queue akumal hot what is the biggest problem in the universe so you probably don't have this problem veto but when you're a dick when you're on you know pissing on the toilet or shit and whatever when you get up yeah your dick brushes the rim of it why would i not have that problem well i don't know you know you're you and i'm me and you know fucking get out of here you piece of shit got a cool over here what is the biggest problem in the universe uh hey can i talk to sean yeah Yeah, hold on. Let me get Sean. Thank you. Okay, he's listening. He's, like, in the corner. Hey, uh, Sean, where do you get your V-necks from?

Sean. He says he gets, uh, Hanes V-necks. He just gets them at the Target. Oh, alright. Well, see you later, then. Terrible fucking call. Let's go to Turn Ferguson! Turn! What is the biggest problem in the universe? Alright, can you hear me good?

Yes. Alright, so the biggest problem in the universe? All right. Can you hear me good? Yes. All right. So the biggest problem in the universe is super boomers. You know, we all hate boomers. Yes. Yeah, yeah. We all hate boomers, right? You know, absolutely. Everything. Super boomers. I got two quick examples. First is you stand

you know, you see them. You walk them through the grocery store aisles they're talking to each other from across the aisles they got their carts across both aisles then they complain about how rude and inconsiderate you are of others right terrible well they're blocking the entire grocery store aisle yeah yeah you just want one or two things real quick in and out mind your own business don't bother anyone you got to take up the whole aisle and have an hour-long conversation uh second one is is i'm a contractor right so you know i deal with uh crazy neighbors from time to time usually they're just like oh leave me alone that's all that's fine well long story short they were uh they were uh i was holding

up a sheet of plywood to cover all the debris flying in their yard and then she walks out of the backyard going oh you stupid bastard get off my lawn oh you effing blah blah blah it calls me every word in the book and i go you know you were trying to be helpful by preventing the debris and she's yelling at you for trying to help out yeah and it's like i'm trying to be polite and considerate i see no cars are in the driveway no lights are on it looks like no one's home you know just trying to be polite you know save all right dumb old ladies chat's cutting you off turd ferguson sorry we got it we got it grito phil what is the biggest problem in the universe hey vito can you hear me just fine right now i can hear you fine dude that is great okay so i wanted to say my biggest problem in the universe right now at

this moment is self-help gurus specifically those that say do what you love because you want to know right now my right now i realize i do not want to do what i love the reason i say that is because right now i'm working as a mail clerk at an insurance office. That guy just dropped my skateboard. The reason I hate the idea of do what you love is because I love my job because it is boring as hell. I do nothing. I waste my time all day, eight hours a day. I waste my time and I love it. I hate the idea that you have to do what you love at the threat that if you do not do it you will go homeless i hate that idea but right now i am wasting my time at work i am but it sounds like it sounds like you love your job because you don't love it is that what you're saying because it's exactly if i did what i love i would hate it because like if i did what i love but but somebody said, do not do it. You will go homeless. You will starve.

I would hate the idea of that. But right now I get to waste my entire day, eight hours of my day. I get to watch Netflix. I get to watch the dumbest shows and they complain about it to my friends. I love that. Who would not love that? So don't do what you love. Do what you can tolerate for eight hours while watching Netflix.

Exactly. All right, Greedo. I get it. DanoTube is here. DanoTube.com. What's up, Dano? So you buy your new video game. You jump into the tutorial.

You finally start your game after like 10 minutes. And then you realize, hey, my stick isn't inverted or the resolution is wrong or some graphical setting, let me jump into the settings, but they aren't in the pause menu because you have to go back to the main menu in this game. You've got to exit the game. You've already seen the tutorial. Main menu control settings. Oh, my God.

Wasting our time with this nonsense. I agree. Can't believe it. That was Dan O'Toole. Guys, it doesn't look like we have any more callers if anyone else wants to jump in we maybe got a couple more minutes but i'm gonna read these super chats real quick uh we had from evan like for five dollars i'm glad john sweat saw the last week tonight ticket master episode whoa wasn't this supposed to run until 9? No, it said it starts at

6. It starts at 6 o'clock Western time and starts at 9 o'clock Pacific time. I gave you the start of the show, not a 629, you morons. Let's see. Casey, what are you doing?

What's the biggest problem in the universe? I'm joining a little bit late. Where's Ticketmaster? I don't give a shit? What's the biggest problem in the universe? I'm joining a little bit late. Where's Dick Knight? I don't give a shit. What's the biggest problem in the universe? I think the biggest problem in the universe today is fentanyl. Why's that? Well, you got all sorts of drugs out there.

And now they're all laced with fentanyl. Yeah, well, that is a problem. It seems like people just want to do cocaine and fun drugs and all it's got is fentanyl cocaine you've got everything's just fentanyl not to mention that it ended the life of one of our most beloved american icons george floyd yeah that's a tragedy in itself i don't know i just feel like that's something that's uh it is truly a big problem it's not one of the the goofy ones but there you go fentanyl from casey who got here late and doesn't know we're on a rapid fire guys

this has been the biggest problem in the universe as always i love you and i respect you and what's exciting about this show is that you in the comments should let us know did you like it jason for five says pretty good veto thank you for for the misogyny. We need to line up more female callers so that we can yell at them for the transgressions against men. If you enjoyed this format, please let us know. We'll find a way to put up voting somewhere on the front page. As always, you can vote on problems at biggest problem dot show. And don't forget to hit up the Patreon at patreon.com slash biggest problem which will give you access to our new bonus episode the biggest pride in the universe our special pride month

edition and because dick's not here i get to do my own private plug and no one can stop me please i'm working on my comic book project over at superkiller.org if you go to superkiller.org sign up for the mailing list and that way when the comic book goes live you will get an email letting you know and you will be among the first to purchase super killer guys this has been the biggest problem the universe special call-in edition episode again let us know in the comments did you like it did you have fun did you love yourself do you love the people around you and uh ultimately what what else can i say except that i forgot to queue up the exit music and the promo image so i am completely

screwed here where is the show's theme there's one hold on nope that doesn't work hold on open with Google Chrome. Okay, guys. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to get there. It's going to happen. I believe in us. This has been the biggest problem in the universe. Take care of yourself.

Goodbye. It doesn't work. Why is it not working I loaded up the song play the song fucking shit I had it oh my god why is it not

alright I got the other song then Freddy what's the biggest problem in the universe tell me HR departments yeah working in big corporations where you where you don't feel comfortable uh talking thank you freddie big corporate environments yes This has been the biggest problem in the universe!

Get out of here, you filthy animals! Time for Vito to watch filthy internet porn! Get on out of here! Go home! No one wants you here! Thanks to all our supporters! Thanks to the Vito-philes! Thanks to the dickheads! We love you. We care about you. The only show that has sex with your mother in a filthy Mexican donkey house. Yes.

And that is our show, folks. Take care of yourself.