The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 193

Episode Date: June 21, 2025

Hey wait it faded! Oh really? And now there's no audio from you- oh wait yeah there it is Except it faded with you going uhhhhh and staring at it I was watching the YouTube fade but it did fade Oh whoops that's not you Let's see Very good

There it is Alright how you doing? I'm doing uh pretty good Pretty... Where were you last week? Pretty good What the hell? Where was I last week?

I was on an adventure. Okay. As I am want to do. From your Mexican... What was... What were you doing? What are you showing me? More cats?

Oh. Look at all this Final Fantasy, baby. Okay. So you bought a bunch of Final Fantasy shit Yep How's it doing? Right now on TCG player yeah a collector's box of Final Fantasy remember I was worried that I was gonna lose money dick. Yeah, what's right now? Yeah 995 dollars Arquiprice Yeah, what's that worth? Right now, $995.

How much did you pay for it? Market price. The cheapest I paid for a box was $350. The most I paid was $650. Wow! So you made, what'd you make? $10,000? Well nothing, because all I've done is open them and look at the pretty cards. So so far nothing. far nothing Okay, you can open them all and try to get cards out of them or what no no I'm trying I've I've now opened most of what I want You mean you're sitting on all that money, and you're opening it Yeah, it's real bad. I got a step. Well cuz I go I go I open a new box I go you know all right. I'll get this and I'll sell it and I go I'll just open one pack

I go, I open a new box and I go, you know, all right, I'll get this and I'll sell it. And I go, I'll just open one pack. Oh, god! And then I get a shitty card and I'm like, ah, there's probably still a good pack card in that box. Are you opening until you get the good one in the case and then ditching the rest? Not always, but it'll more be like,

if I do a stream and I sell like eight packs out of a box and nothing good gets hit, I go, well, I should open the other four and then I open the other four and there's nothing in those either. And then I go, you could have sold those for like 80 bucks a piece, you fucking idiot. Are you keeping track of any of this at all?

Yeah, I have a spreadsheet of what I've spent. So I do have a spreadsheet for a- So you'll be able to say at the end that you made or lost X amount from Final Fantasy? It'll be a little hard to do the math because again, I just like, it's hard not to crack into your own supply. These cards are- Well that's what the math is for.

I know, but like I'm not keeping track of what I open. I just open it and I look at it and I go, look at how shiny that is. Not keep- I don't, I don't keep, I don't keep track of what I- I got cloud. When I dip into my own supply. Is that what you're saying? I got- I'm like a drug dealer going into his co- Luckily I'm only opening the Japanese ones

because the Japanese ones are cheaper. The English ones I'm selling to people because that's what they want. Uh, I saw the cards. They look stupid. They do look stupid. But people are buying them? They did a great job with it. Some of them look cool. You gotta unload them right away, man I'm I'm working on it. I'm working on it that $900 isn't gonna last forever I don't know. Yeah, I think well right now. It's you know now. It's the frenzy

Yeah, I want to sell I want to sell a good amount of it. I gotta sell all it's harder to sell it though Cuz I start a stream Cuz here's the thing. Why don't you just know what did you say the box is worth 900 bucks? I'm all there. I can just sell them all there right there. Yeah Yeah, do that it has reached the point where I was gonna sell them on that stupid whatnot platform But now it's so expensive that like nobody no normal person wants to buy it. It's just weirdo fucking internet So I can start up a stream. I'm like okay. They're $85 a pack and everyone goes $85 then if nobody's gonna buy it

Cuz like the only people buying it are psychopaths I'm saying like where they I was gonna do it like casual sales like I start up a stream I sell a couple packs, but now it's not casual, now I'm selling like high-end luxury goods. So what do you need, like a van of white or something? To show this shit? You need a suit? Well, I can either run- You can dress like Paul Bear?

I can run horrific gambling scams, which is what everyone else is doing, where it's ten bucks to spin the magic wheel and hope you get the fucking packet cards Or yeah, I could just flip them on a website like but then they take a big cut I don't know I gotta figure out that's not worth $900 is what you're saying Circumstances are perfect after then it's worth nine hundred and whatever else. Yeah, sure Have you ever heard the the short story of the guy that found a pearl and He kept chipping it open to get a better pearl you ever heard this one. No, he found it. He's a diver. He's a Diver he's a indigenous man for today. This is a this is a parable for today indigenous people's day

he was a diver and he found a pearl and Inside every pearl was a huge pearl, bigger than anyone ever saw, you know, big as his fist. And then you, but as everyone knows, you chip it away and you make a better, more perfect, more expensive pearl inside. So he kept doing that. He kept doing that and he kept doing that.

And then the last one he goes, look at this, all I need is one more chip One more layer and then we can get out of this and then it'll be perfect and I can sell it I could just skate my wife and then he chipped it and it turned into dust I am trapped in a hell of my own making a hell of Final Fantasy Magic Cards where the acquiring the Magic Cards was easy The selling them is hard I'm good. I'm very good at buying things. Yeah, liquidating. I'm not any good at selling them. No, get rid of those two.

I will say though, today I was very proud of myself that I just got a new air conditioner. I saw that, okay. And I was like, what do I do with this old one? Do I just throw it out? Throw it out. And I said, what if I take a picture and I go on Facebook marketplace

and I go, air conditioner, 50 bucks. Boom, 50 bucks. And I don't know what's going on. Or you get murdered. One of the other. I got a hundred messages in an hour where they're like, hey, you got that air conditioner, man. I'll be over there in 20. I'm like, is there like a run on fucking air conditioners?

What the fuck? Yes, it's it's 100 degrees out. Yeah, but I think they still have me on Amazon going right now. But I guess everybody just, you know, wants one. The Mexicans don't have Amazon Prime, they think it's a curse. Well, that's the guy who came over. Jorge came over and he said, you have air conditioner, okay, you take a cash. And I sold it for 50 bucks.

I sold my bed frame to this kid, this Mexican kid and his lesbian mom. And they came over and the lesbian mom was like, trying to just, she was going as fast as possible. It was like, oh no, no, no, no, you're gonna fuck up the paint. To try and get it out of the room? Yeah, and the kid's like, well, doesn't it, you know,

don't it like fold? Doesn't it fold? Like, what are you talking about? Why do you, are you fucking retarded? No, bed's off fold. Did it have screws? Does it break apart at all? Yeah, it's all screwed like furniture, you know? There's nothing that would indicate... Take a screwdriver and unscrew the foot. It folds like this. You can do that over and over again, bro. Yeah, I guess they don't make... well, the folding ones they make are those cheap, like like metal frame ones. Camping ones. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not what you have. It's like it's a fucking metal frame, dude. What are you talking about, fold? It is fun selling stuff to people. Oh shit, I forgot to do the theme. Alright, here we go. One time I stole a, uh...

Can you hear that? I'll tell you the story. He's like, yeah, I can hear it. Yes! No problem! This is the sun. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from cleaning your garage to a missile barrage.

Pretty good. From The Trito King. From lottery tickets you scratch off to family photo albums that make you jack off. How about that? From Tom, that's a good one. That's a good one. Good one. You missed a real- Carl was here last week.

I heard it was a all time banger. Yeah, it was good. Carl's good. He brought in a challenge. Challenge Carl bring in a not social media problem. Challenge impossible. He brought in scratch tickets which is almost a social media problem

but I'll let it go. No, he was great. Okay, what did we have? Scratch off lottery tickets that was number one. Because they totally suck. Photo album. He never, my dad loved scratch-off lottery tickets. That's the least surprising thing I've ever heard in my life.

Yeah, it was awful. I hated it. Uh, what was his routine? What was his ticket? Did he like pot of gold or pot- or gold pot? Which one did he like? I don't fucking know. He would just- he would- no, he would always fall into the kit. He would go like, alright, you gotta pick the one. As if he believed I could somehow divine which

Scratch ticket was gonna make money. Yeah, and never made money. I don't think I ever win ever It's so we all you if it didn't win a little bit Just be like oh another one picked by Vito another winner, and I'm like well don't Have me fucking pick that and put fucking pressure on me He's like you really know how to pick them though. He's like why do you always pick the bad ones? I'm like I don't know what to do with the good ones, you fucking pick them. Did he really say that? Yeah, he said why do you always pick the bad ones? Oh no!

I said why don't you pick them fucking then? A lot of pressure. Oh no. It does drive me nuts when I see like Chinese guys man, especially out here It's all Asian guys dude It's like 200 bucks worth of scratchers because they're obsessed with Lado's and gambling right right right and I want to tell them like hey Man, you can just invest that in anything Like anything like Final Fantasy make a little bit of money. Honestly. Yeah, yeah, Final Fantasy cards, whatever There must be some Chinese equivalent opium Final Fantasy cards whatever there must be some Chinese equivalent opium Final Fantasy cards

Right do they have video games in China? Yeah, they're like weirdly regulated It used to be a there's actually like some Nintendo consoles that were China Exclusives because the way China releases video games is all like Controlled by the state. Yeah, are the games any good? Are they all dog shit? Well, it was funny like they made like a Chinese version of the Gameboy They could only play like a certain number of games or whatever Okay, and there's this YouTube channel. It's a guy who runs a video game store and he goes

We just got a bunch of these fake Gameboys So we're gonna break them and he made a video of him breaking a bunch of them and the people comments were like Yeah, that was the Chinese region Gameboy. Those are worth like 500 bucks each. They weren't counterfeits. You're a fucking idiot So that's how they get you. Those are fun videos. Maybe someone will say people being stupid and breaking things They think are worthless. Yeah, it's a fun. That's a fun bit. Okay Mushroom fleet says this feels like we're straight back to the classic biggest problem, energy. Vito has lost so much weight, I didn't even recognize him.

That was from last week. I looked good, I looked good last week. Oh wait, I didn't go through all the things. Scratch off lottery tickets, photo albums, missile defense systems, and internet beefs. Do you have a lot of photo albums? I have photos, but not albums, just like me. Do your parents have photo albums? Yeah, my mom was a bit of a pack rat. She kept a lot of stupid stuff. I have photos but not albums just like parents

Yeah, my mom my mom was a bit of a pack rat she kept a lot of stupid stuff Mm-hmm. She has all my like artwork from when I was a kid. Did your parents keep that? Oh very Very few of it. I think my dad throws it away while my mom's sleeping It's fucking weird to dig through that shit cuz there is like a primordial memory in you and you go I do remember drawing that choo-choo train when I was what the fuck? I do remember this looks like it's creepy to fucking dig through the old artwork. It like you're like, I know this happened, but it's in like a part of my brain that I haven't accessed in 30 years. Yeah. Yeah. I get your mom to scan all that shit

all those photo albums and get rid of it, you know, just. Yeah. Well, all my photos are digital at this point. You just don't want to deal with it. That's all I'm saying. I Agree, okay Kool-X 64. Hey Vito. I know you don't like it when people say nice things about you So I'm not gonna do that. Oh, you go nice Lot 43 official 47. I miss Vito Gordon Shumway says, I hate being behind people buying lottery tickets. Yeah, okay. And Thoos Carrots says-

My problem is having to guess which night of the protest is gonna be the interesting night. Cause I went on the boring night. Yeah. When like nothing was going on and then the next day they're shooting, the cops are killing people. I'm like, ah, I missed all the fun. You got some trunk tamales though, didn't you?

I saw trunk tamales. I did not purchase them. You didn't buy any? It was a little weird that as cops are being shot with fireworks, there's a lady selling ceviche out of the back of a van. I don't know why people are going, oh, Vito's only at the protest to buy food.

I'm like, first of all, I didn't buy any food. I'm just observing. That's curious. You're just observing. Huh? That's curious You're just observing the food being made. I did get a tear gas grenade though. What the hell is that? Where was that this from the fucking protest that you've that rolled around and you found it Yeah, it was full. Well, I think it exploded because all the ports are uncovered Yeah, and then it was full of like this black dust. God that would be so funny if it went off right now. Well then my eyes started watering and I started getting it sneezy and I said, oh this is probably, you're

probably not supposed to dump this out onto a table and fuck around with it. Oh yeah, now I have a tear gas grenade. I have a souvenir for my exciting. Throw it in the pile. Throw it in the pile. Enthused carrots is the difference in quality between this and their most shows with Vito's is night and day. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult. I think Carl probably has a better home studio setup than me. Although I don't think my set, I don't know. I don't know. I have a nice microphone. He doesn't have any grenades in his home studio.

He doesn't have any Jachachkis and trash back there that needs to go? Alastair Liquors says, it's funny that this guy thinks Israel pays for the missiles we send them. You know, I've found that a lot of the people that get too into Israel become very sarcastic. I don't know if that's a thing that you... Maybe they just have to be because they can never say what they actually think without losing their bank accounts. But that is something I've come across and it is annoying.

Why is it that everybody who has an opinion on Israel has to be super smug about it? They're privy to some special knowledge that no one else knows. Yeah, everyone knows. Like, oh, you didn't know that about Israel? I had a guy, there was like a congressman who was like, I support Israel, and he posted a stupid photo of himself with like a whatever pin. Yeah. You know, like an Israel pin.

Yeah. And then I was like, you know, oh, well, how much did they contribute to your campaign? And then another guy, another guy had to chime in and go, oh, Vito thinks the policy follows the money and not the other way around. And I'm like, I think it's an ongoing cycle. I think it's like, it goes all different ways. You got me, buddy. You got me.

Here's a scalp. Well, you think they pay the guys off and then the Israel policy happens? And I'm like, I don't even know what he was trying to say. I'm like, I think everybody's just giving money to everybody all the time. They're competing They have like a farm league where Israel goes and looks at all the new senators out in like a baseball field and they all like practice their cock sucking skills in front of them And they're like they go up and give speeches they're like I the first time I shook Netanyahu's hand

I never I never washed it after that. They're like, I the first time I shook Netanyahu's hand. I never I never washed it after that They're like, okay You know like how early into your service Like how are you approached? You know can show up your senator. It's your first day You're like, I can't wait to help help the American people and then they go. Hey, there's a there's a party tonight You know don't it's an invite only Wear a mask yeah, and you show up and you know everyone's dancing and

You know all sort of things could be happening that I can't say on YouTube Then they break out the foreskins. Yeah exactly Okay, wait where did my shit flip this over? Oh, yeah Joe I'm Joe says everyone's asking about where veto is but no one's asking the real question. Where's frog Tony? Okay Gamer dude says he's vetoed arrested for being at the LA riots. Were you arrested for being at the LA riots? Yeah, I spent a spent some time in jail. It was nice. I had fun. Dude, literally the next day like This guy had a good gimmick too. Some comedian went out there and he was like dressed like a character

And he was getting shot at with tear gas grenades, and I'm like, that's what I should have done. Yeah, I think he was like yeah, I need a costume. I thought you were gonna do the Pepsi thing. It just wasn't there wasn't enough going on to like even do anything with it. Aww. I wanted to see you give a Pepsi to one of those cops. Yeah, I mean I brought the Pepsi, but I guess like... Shhh. Honestly, as far as protests go, it was kind of a let down.

Let down. It wasn't as exciting as the other one. Because it was all fucking fake, dude. Like... Mexicans aren't gonna... I don't know what was going on. I was going to say, Mexicans! They're afraid of ICE! They're not going to be out there going, Hey, check me out! I don't want to get deported!

Uh-oh! I think the BLM protests were great, because first of all, it was at the height of you can do whatever you want, you know? If you're black. Yeah. It was still one of those, like, you know, you can commit all the felonies you want, we'll never put you in jail, we're very soft on crime. And everybody's like, this is great, perfect storm.

And society is on my side because of racism. So if I break that window, it's that cop's fault because he made me mad. You know, and you can argue that to a judge and get off. But lighting Waymo's on fire, people aren't behind that. No, they don't like it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why don't you light you on fire? Yeah. The Mexicans aren't self-driving. Also the Mexicans,

you know, they're mischievous, but not in the way that like black protestors have a plan, I feel. Booting. You know? Yeah, and it's a good plan. Yeah, it's a good plan. Like when I was when I was leaving the Long Beach protest I was like somebody must have planned this out ahead of time because every sneaker store I drove past had like 20 guys running out and I'm like they had this all figured out. Have all the white kids on one side of town with signs and bullshit. Yeah. All that's going on. Just take all the sneakers., but the Mexicans aren't doing that. They're not looting. They're not reliable looters.

The Mexicans don't know how to trick the white people into distracting the cops. Because the Mexicans were like leading the protest and walking and you're like, no, you let the white guys do that. And while the white guys are doing that, you go steal whatever you want. But instead you're walking with the white guys. The looting you can kind of cheer for both sides. Like, because you want to loot and steal, so you hope that the guy, the looter gets away with it, but you also want to murder someone in a socially justified way. Justifiable way. Yeah.

So it's really, it's win-win for the viewer. There's a lot to like about it. Yeah, okay. They kind of drop the viewer. And there was none of that. There's a lot to like about it. Yeah, okay. They kinda dropped the ball. Petey Masta, it's frustrating to see that Carl isn't as ugly as they say he is in all his podcasts. He looks normal and I'm furious.

I'm sorry about that. Petey Masta. It's not hard to see Carl. I'm surprised people are seeing Carl for the first time. Yeah, what the hell? He has a video podcast. There's like literally thousands of videos I think of that motherfucker. I've seen Carl for the first time. Yeah, what the hell? He has a video podcast. There's like literally thousands of videos I think of that motherfucker.

It's not like he's in his face. Mo Wang says, I can't quite put my finger on why the show was so good this week. And last one is Meiji Something says, I hate scratcher retards. Okay, there you go. Fantastic. Yeah. Well, Dick, that makes me feel like I wanna hear a little song to lead me into one of my favorite segments.

Okay! A segment I call... Ah! Vote... It... Ah! Up! Ah!

Vote it up! Too much time between animated seasons, women's plating and testicular torsion, big shits that tear up your asshole. Wow. And kid-friendly pride. Getting stuck behind black people in the drive-through, someone else shitting in your hotel room Too many Asians at the Costco

Wow, this is great! This is great. This is what they call me. To vote on the pro-blood score Too big is problem not sure Right after the episode Go and vote Oh, yes! Going for the episode Going for the episode Going for the episode Wow now

Wow now Damn, this is great Jesus Anytime a song gives me a listing of problems in a creative rhyming manner Yeah, that's it That's it, I'm moving that to the outro for the show Where is it? Jizzy? Jizzy from the shut up dude podcast played that that was great buddy. Thank you check out the shut up dude podcast

Dick from bonus episode number 12. This must have been a problem you brought in okay This must have been one of our roundups. This was the January 6th commission. Again, these were the brave individuals who were assembled to bring terrorists to justice, which they effectively did until of course, President Donald Trump pardoned more than 1500 people tied to the 2021 Capitol riot. Great. Cool. Yeah. And one of them was a child molester, a pedophile or something. Great, cool. Yeah. And one of them was a child molester, a pedophile or something. Well, that's what we're talking about.

A Mint Hill man is arguing that his indictment on charges of producing and possessing child bad stuff is null because images were found during investigation. Is null, it was null? He's saying it's null. That's two nulls. He's saying it's null. That's two L's for null this week.

No body cam. No say a lot of L's, no body cam. That's two no's. That's two L's for no this week. No body cam. No body cam. No body cam. Arrested for child pornography. Wow. It's terrible. And as they were investigating this man, again it was accused of storming the Capitol. Authorities seized images of a nude minor female, drug paraphernalia and firearms.

The man is now arguing that because the search was again based on his actions. You can't use that shit in court. January 6th, yeah he's saying, oh he gotta let it go, all that evidence you guys got was seized improperly. The president has pardoned me. So that's the current.

Trump should just kill him, it's legal for the president to drone strike an American on American, just do it. Just kill him. That's true. Fuck it. Kill him. The president could take an executive action here. On his first- and again, this- January 6th- Jenny Bansk could do it. Just show up and give him a grote or something. Right around his throat. All I'm saying is, as we know, January 6th led to the deaths of five people injuries to 174

It didn't lead to the death of five people died of like by suicide That's how bad they felt so stupid and hurt feel so stupid a Child pornographer has been set that has been set free president good. You know what I good I'm glad I hope he rapes a bunch of liberal kids I Will say some of the January 6th prosecutions were a bit heavy-handed

But maybe a blanket pardon across the body part. Hey you guys put us in this position. We gotta do it. We got no choice. We got no fucking choice. This guy literally said he's gonna go rape a kid the second he gets out. We got no choice. Yeah good. Make it one of their kids. Fuck it. Who cares anymore? Well that again guys is the January 6th commission currently number 147 with 411 up votes So maybe I would say vote it down because they were trying to do their job But I guess now you should vote it down. Now it's not a problem anymore. Now. It's not a problem anymore Yeah, well, here's another one from one of our bonus episode. Molest those kids before their parents do it because they're liberals No, no, no, we don't need to So their liberal parents get like a fucked sandwich

You know I don't want to molest I don't want to molest my kid anymore someone's already molested here You got molested classic liberal mindset liberal parent has that problem yep Pete Pete Butt judge goes home. Oh husband. I was getting ready to rape our adopted kid or whatever But he's already been raped by the J6 guy and he's and he's like Running away from the house with his MAGA hat on Remember I did the problem of the mass shooter lotto Yeah, is that maybe I need to extend that to the pedophile lotto because I don't know if you saw today that a Republican

It must be like a state senator or something was accused of having a bunch of images. Oh yeah. And again, it's one of these things where everybody sits around and they go, I hope it's one of their guys. Nah, I don't really see that for pedos. I see that for shooters. You don't see it as much? Nah.

You definitely see it for shooters. You see it for shooters all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like oh shit, yeah. You see it for, you know, the problem is, it goes, it goes, maybe not as much. I don't know about that. Maybe you see that on blue sky. Pedo sky, they call it. I'm not on pedo sky.

From bonus episode number 26, this was the problem of son of Sam laws. The idea that you as an individual cannot profit from your crime. Oh yeah, that's bullshit. Yeah, many of these laws have been found unconstitutional, but New York still has something on the books that they occasionally try to drag up And apparently Ohio as well as Ohio attorney general Dave Oh, sorry, Ohio attorney general Dave Yost is calling on legislators to expand a state law that bars people from selling their story of a crime for profit This is related to the Rodney Hinton Jr. case. A man

accused of killing a sheriff's deputy after a day after a Cincinnati police officer shot and killed his son. Did you hear that story? Oh yeah. Black guy. Yeah. Well, his son got killed by a cop. He was so mad. He went out. He found a different cop who was just like working traffic duty, killed the fucking guy Acting like that's done, but that's fine. Yeah, I would do that Cop who gives a shit who fucking cares you can take a little bit of time to figure out like maybe a cop who was Like friends with the cop or related to the gas first start killing Figure it out. I mean look look, that's how it works.

You get the revenge. Now, the perfect is the enemy of good. Like, look, I'm killing that guy. Whoever was his son or whatever his dad can go figure out how to kill somebody else. Okay, continue the cycle. Well, here's what's interesting, Dick Dick is that what Attorney General Dave Yazda wants to do is shut down online crowdfunding for anyone who is not only convicted but accused of a crime. Oh god. Fuck off. So simply being accused of a crime he's saying, you son of Sam was. This should be, wait a minute, this isn't your problem today? This is a big fucking problem!

Well it's related. This is a problem with Voted Up. This is a big fucking problem. Well this is a different problem. This is a big fucking problem Well it's not related There's a big fucking problem Well, this is a different problem We can talk about it as if it was a problem But it's related to a previous problem That's not the problem though It's a new one It's related It's an expanding on the Son of Sam problem

It's totally fucked up This guy wants to make it so you can't give money to anyone accused of a crime with a minecraft plunder. That's a way bigger problem! That is legitimately a huge fucking problem. It's gonna be even bigger now. Well, I don't know how you would do that. How do you say, hey, this guy's been accused of a crime, he's not allowed to raise money

for his defense? Like, how the fuck would you make that a law? That's crazy. Well, if somebody does it, you just, the credit cards just cancel their credit card processing account, that's it. It's easy to do. What are you talking about?

I'm saying legally, yeah, sure. Same way that Daily Stormer can't have anything. That's how they would do it. But if you're, just, if you're, like not even convicted, he's saying someone who's been accused of a crime shouldn't be allowed to online crowdfund. He wants to make it against the law. He says that it's making a mockery of the legal system that people can crowdfund their

legal defense. It's crazy that an attorney general would say this. Yeah, I mean, you see what I'm talking about? Just somebody, a cop kills your kid? Well, I'll just go get one of them. This guy's trying to prove his point. about just somebody cop kills your kid well I'll just go get one of them what that was the guy that's gonna make crap money illegal whoops well again maybe you could plan out a little bit Alex Shipley a spokesperson for give send go says the campaign supporting

hint to do not violate the platform's terms of service he says at this platform we believe in the fundamental freedom for individuals to seek help. Our platform allows people to turn to their communities for assistance, even in difficult or controversial situations. So if you're accused of killing, you'd say especially black people. If you have to do a statement about that, you should say, look, we care about the Constitution, especially for black people. That should be the end of every PR

especially black people and especially not cops well guys that's son of Sam laws currently number 655 with only 81 up votes these laws guys it's a totally different law the one that you're bringing in it's not the same It's based on me that's the law they want to expand the son of Sam They can't profit they're calling it profiting from your crime that by collecting donations. What are they gonna call the law? The black guy killed a cop law not son of Sam law then probably Right now probably not the son of Samlau then, probably. Right. No, probably not the Son of Samlau. It'll probably be Son of- Son of- Absolutely.

Son of what's-his-name. Fucking up the board! Son of Rodney! Son of Rodney! Cause that's who he went out killing for. Guys, don't forget to VOTE IT UP! VOTE IT UP! Too much time between animated seasons, Women's blaming antisticulatotion, Big shits that tear up your asshole,

And kid-friendly pride. Getting stuck behind black people in the drive-thru, With someone else shitting in your hotel room Too many Asians at the Costco Long I heard them say Nailed it. To vote on the Costco Is my audio a little low? Should I put it on low?

Do not touch your stuff. Do not touch yours. Have you seen all the TikToks of Asian people complaining about my Costco? Yes, I have. Like the one I go to, even other Asian people are saying, man, they ruined that Costco. Yeah. And you're like, who did? And they're like, all the other Asian people.

I'm like, but you're Asian! It's crazy! Yeah, they don't really like that. I gotta make, you know what, if I'm gonna make any internet video I should just go there For a day and just record what's going on yeah do that talk do your food until I can till I get kicked out You don't get kicked. Well the food video would be all be Bim Bap and fucking kimchi and dragon whiskey and whatever else All right, who's uh? I guess I won I I should go first. My problem is shows getting moved around.

Because you remember when you're, it's a huge inconvenience for the audience. You get into a nice groove of whatever day your show happens to be on, you kind of start setting your life up around that show. Like if it's like, and you pick a random day of the week, like Friday, you say, the work day is over, I'm going to pick up a four pack and I'm going to go home and I'm going to relax, I'm in the right head space. It even starts getting ready for a show. Your favorite show even starts on probably Thursday or maybe even.

Was it ABC that had the TGIF block? Dang, great example. The TGIF block. My whole life revolved around TGIF. I was like, thank TGIF. TGIF. And every Friday, I would be like, I'm gonna get some Urkel,

I'm gonna get some Full House. I'm gonna get some nice, wholesome Full House. I might even stick around to watch step by step, even though it sucks. It was a great block of programming. I'm gonna pretend I'm stupid and watch step by step with all these other stupid assholes. Musty TV also. Why did step by step suck so much? Because it's for retarded people. It offers nothing new on the sitcom

Experience well, you know it was supposed to be like an updated Brady Bunch like that was the game nailed it They nailed it. Yeah The Brady Bunch had a little something going on step by step Brady Bunch fucking with people Were they making that as like was that like a Clark Kent for them where they're making it to say how stupid people are? In what way? What do you mean? Like was it made in a condescending way? I could never figure this out while watching the Brady Bunch. I'm like is this are they making this to fuck with people? You thought everybody was supposed to be stupid on the Brady Bunch? No it's they're making it like perfect to what people are but it but it's, and they're adding nothing, like absolutely nothing. Are they, is it made as a mockery of people? That's what I'm asking.

Was the Brady Bunch a mockery of the human experience? Is it satire? Is the Brady Bunch satire? Is that the question you're- Yeah. Of what? Of just humanity? Yeah. America. I don't think so. No. Cause the Jetsons is, America. I don't think so, no. Because the Jetsons is, obviously.

Yeah, on some level, I guess. Yeah, it's a mockery of like... What do you mean on some level? Yeah, it inflint stones. They got a sassy black robot. That's as fucking on the nose as it gets. Okay, yes, that was a bit of a commentary on society. I don't think Brady Bunch got a lot of that.

I don't remember. You remember must- See TV, right? Must See TV? You don't remember Must See TV? Seinfeld? I remember here- And Friends? Oh, I didn't watch that stuff.

What do you mean, that stuff? I didn't watch Seinfeld and I didn't watch Friends. It wasn't my jam. What the fuck are you talking about? I just avoided, at that point in time, I just was not watching any sitcoms. That was like when I was in high school, I just was not into sitcoms or whatever. What are you talking about? You didn't watch Seinfeld. I was downloading anime and weird Japanese dramas

and watching obscure foreign films because I was trying to be a pretentious art kid. So yeah, I wasn't watching. Although, what was I watching for comedy? I guess I was watching Family Guy. I was an adult swim guy. I was watching only adult swim. No, no, this is in the 90s.

This is way before adult swim. You weren't watching Seinfeld? Well, hold on. When did Seinfeld debut's all debut like 94 95. I don't know With cheers. Let's see sign the fuck 89 that camp is that yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the Seinfeld Chronicle, okay? Well, I would have been three years old that's a great time to start watching Seinfeld to start watching Seinfeld. Anyway, they would move Seinfeld to Tuesday for some fucking reasons with Mad About You and Frasier trying to launch this other shitty day.

So your week, I mean your whole month would be fucked up. Like your week would be fucked up because it was on early. A great episode would be wasted on a Tuesday because you're not amped up like normal, watching it. And then the Thursday would be trash. Your whole Thursday would be spent thinking about how you usually spend your Thursday. I mean, my biggest problem growing up was being unable to keep track of the Digimon time slot

and always missing the crucial episode where... That's exactly what I'm talking about. Well, cause dude, I would always admit there was one, uh, there was that little green kid and he had that little, he was like, he had the gayest Digimon. Oh yeah. No, no, no, no. I think it was Patamon. It was like the like little thing with like wings coming out of its head and everybody always went like your Digimon fucking sucks. You're lame. You're dragging the whole group down. You're a baby. and then I would tune in and it would be the next episode and they're like, yo did you see when Patamon evolved into Angemon and it killed all those fucking guys? And I'm like,

holy shit what? And I never saw the episode where the little gay Digimon became like the ultimate Digimon and wrecked shop on everybody. Yeah. And I, because they kept moving the fucking time slot on me and then I was like well, I'm not watching Digimon now, because I apparently missed the most crucial episode, where everything is revealed. That shit happened to me with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all the time. Watching it, I'm like, all right, well, you know,

they're going to show what Krang is doing here. He's going to get in his body at some point. I see the body. It's getting worked on. Now they're going to have him load in at some point. I see the body, it's getting worked on. Now they're gonna have him load in at some point, and he's gonna fuck everything up. And then the next episode I watch is, the body's been fucked up again,

and it's never getting fixed, right? That's why serialized cartoons were like such a rarity, is because kids are, you know, retarded and can't tune in for every episode the way an adult can plan for it. How about The Simpsons? It was on Sunday and then they move it to Thursday to fuck with The Cosby Show?

How can I watch The Simpsons on Thursday? That doesn't make any sense. Me and my buddies definitely, I had one buddy whose entire life revolved around never missing an episode of The Simpsons. Yeah. So we'd be like hanging out, we're like, hey, we're gonna do something cool. He goes, six o'clock The Simpsons. Yeah. So we'd be like hanging out. We're like, hey, we're gonna do something cool.

He goes, six o'clock The Simpsons is on. So I have to go watch that. Wait, six of reruns were on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, also I think he was recording every episode onto VHS because he was deep into the tape trade. Did you ever engage this or see this? What the fuck are you talking about?

This was like dudes online. That are trading child born. And he goes, hey guys about? This was like dudes online that are trading child born and he said hey guys who wants my- Well that's what it seems like now in retrospect is like occasionally you get a tape and be like- Who wants my Simpsons episode? I'd be like what's on that tape? And he'd go I gotta throw that one out a guy sent me the wrong tape. And the code is like the Simpsons characters? We got a real Barney over here on this one. This is a Barney episode. Him and his sister were like trading episodes of fucking Buffy the Vampire Slayer

because you couldn't just go out and buy, like, or the VHSs were like super expensive and DVDs weren't out yet. Yeah. So his house was just full of labeled Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Simpsons tapes. And he was obsessively recording every episode and trading it on like used net message boards, I assume.

Is he in prison that guy? He should be. Is he dead at least? The more I think about it. No, I think he's still alive. He's still alive. Oh, that's that's a shame. He is a photographer which is creepy.

I don't know what he's taking pictures of. Firefly. Remember that one that got all moved around? Well, that one didn't they not air the pilot I don't know another big problem got moved around and then it got cancelled and we've had we've had to listen to those fucking losers Cry about their shitty space show getting cancelled for like 10 years. Do you remember that? Firefly was alright. I Understand why they're disappointed because they're looseys

I feel bad for Nathan Fillion like that would have been like, you know, one of these legendary roles You know it goes for like five seasons or something Yeah, but if Firefly was made now, it would just go to Netflix, you know I don't know why they never tried doing that Nathan feeling would be a black lady if it was made now Well, I was gonna be a black lesbian too It would be black lesbians fly around space in a black lesbians I mean they had a black, didn't they have a black, no they had a regular I forget what race she was but there was a black lady pilot

Haitian Swat yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah firefly was like the start of Hollywood's like we got to put all the people in there all the ladies are doing something and you're like yeah right yeah it was like it was like new enough that we were coming off of Buffy or like oh she's like Buffy like the girls are cool or whatever and you didn't realize how much that show was weird that show is for weirdos. I never got into Buffy I never understood. That's good but the Seinfeld is a major have you seen those episodes? I've watched all of Seinfeld now.

Oh, is that what we're talking about Seinfeld? We're talking about Seinfeld, yeah. You've seen all the episodes. I believe so. Okay, okay. That's fine. And I've seen all of obviously Curb Your Enthusiasm, which you don't watch for some insane reason. I got it.

I get it. I don't need to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. Dude, Curb Your Enthusiasm is so good. Like I literally, I'm not gonna do that guy where I'm like you gotta watch it, but it is baffling me. It's just not that, it's not that funny. Because his friends aren't that funny. Like that Marty Funkhausen guy, he's not that funny. Jeff Garland isn't that funny. Super Dave. Super Dave's funny. Martin Funkl- Funkenstein is not that funny. Martin Funklstein. Jesus Christ. Ah, there's some good stuff.

I think he's dead. He never did Super Dave once in the show. He is dead. Super Dave is dead. He never did Super Dave in the show. Because he wasn't playing himself on the show. Well that makes no sense. Because Larry David is playing himself, then he should be playing Super Dave. He should be talking about Super Dave in every scene that he's in, or else it doesn't make sense. Like a different guy, I forget who he was,

but he wasn't himself the actor. Marty Funkhouse. Yeah, but that's not, is that the name of the character? No, his real name's Dave Einstein. Yeah, exactly, but he was playing Marty Funkhouse. That's stupid, because he's not that famous. So you're looking at him, you're like, well, Jeff Garland, okay, he's acting. Larry David because he's not that famous so you're looking at him. You're like well Jeff Garland, okay

He's acting Larry David's playing kind of himself Super Dave is He should be playing Super Dave. He should be playing the guy that plays Super Dave. That's funny. You know I'm trying to remember who ended up playing his Cuz then you try to always be working Super Dave into the show Because then you can try to always be working Super Dave into the show. I don't think the world needs more Super Dave. And then Vince Vaughn played Marty Funkhouser. What are you talking about now? I'm saying Vince Vaughn was on the show and he wasn't playing Vince Vaughn, he was playing another Funkhouser.

Like it's fun, it's funny. See that's even dumber. Vince Vaughn? I like it. No, that's stupid. Well after Marty Funkhouser died in real life, after Super Dave died, Yeah. They needed a new Funkhouser, so they got Vince Vaughn, it was fun.

They should have brought Super Dave in. Alright, that's my problem. All these shows, they don't respect the audience. They all got cancelled eventually, and they deserve it for all this jerking around with the time slot. Jerking people around. I got my my weeks. You know, the viewers of these shows, their weeks, their weeks suck. Their lives suck. Their lives are trash. The last thing they need is for a show that brings them warmth and joy to be moved

and fucked with and take that. Maybe Thursday is an ideal time slot for shows. Maybe Thursday is a good day. Now, that's like a must-see That's like a sitcom kind of show Yeah, it's not good. Maybe we need more lead-in shows and outro shows to keep the audience engaged with the programming All right. Anyway, that's my problem All right well dick I hope that today you enjoyed some

red drink and some red velvet cake. Red? And a variety... Yeah, red. I enjoyed some red fruit. Well, congratulations. You've celebrated our world's stupidest federal holiday, Juneteenth. Wait, red cake? The holiday...

Yeah, you don't know that you gotta eat the blood of the slaves, like Jesus' blood or whatever? No. Yeah, you're supposed to eat red stuff to remember all the slaves who bled for our sins or whatever. Oh. Eww. So you can get some watermelon, you get some red velvet cake, high C Anything red. Hmm. What about red? Well, yeah, yeah, of course, okay Hawaiian punch would be good Hawaiian punches for black people slaves When they were working on the plantations Get the fuck out of here no, they didn't they didn't send any slaves to Hawaii, but Hawaii

Well, you know was contracted by the plantations because slaves tire very quickly They needed a high calorie beverage that the slaves could drink and that's it. They didn't call it Hawaiian punch at the time. They called it What was it like Southern Southern punch or something? It was like Other than you I think was Pennsylvania punch. It was a red flavor drink. This would be a video man I saw I saw and then eventually the Pennsylvania punch company realized that it wasn't popular to sell Slave juice, so they changed the name to Hawaiian punch and it's's better now. Wait, really? Isn't any of that true? Yeah. No, it's not true. Fuck you.

Uh, I saw a video... I saw a video where, uh, Logan Paul raced picking cotton against, like, a plantation owner's, like, log book. Yeah. And he picked more cotton than 100 slaves did in one shift. Well, cuz, come on, do you think the slaves were like racing to pick the cotton? I mean, I've heard a lot of stories about whips and stuff, I don't know. I saw there was a guy on Twitter, like you know they have that famous picture of the slave and he's got the belt over his back?

Wait, I think it was Logan. Logan or Jake, one of them. Logan Paul? Yeah, which is the younger one? Which is the suicide one? I think- Forrest. Now I'm all screwed up. I don't know, one of the the suicide one I think for now I'm all screwed up I don't know one of the Paul brothers I can't keep out picked a

hundred slaves of cotton is interesting yeah I saw that there's that picture of the slave of the welts on his back and someone on Twitter said God think about how lazy that motherfucker must have been I didn't get out of the way like I don't think the slaves I think the the slaves are like, you know, you gotta leave some cotton for tomorrow or else they'll find something else for us to do. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you don't do it all at once. It's not like, you know, you get, oh it's really hard, it's really hard. God damn it, we need more of these goddamn slaves. It's still not getting picked. Well, you know, if you want more buddies, you go, hey, Madison, we ain't got enough fucking guys, you know. All these women are fat. He picks cotton. Annoying. Can we get some other slaves here, please?

Point is dick that though we all love Juneteenth federal holidays are moronic None of them make any sense and they are a huge inconvenience for me, the normal working man. Today I tried to go to the post office to figure out why my shipment of Final Fantasy Magic Cards was delayed. My toys aren't here. Toys? Investments. Investments.

That I can't stop opening. The post office closed, DMV courthouses, city offices, even banks, anyone who needs to do business like a normal person has to instead think about slavery. I gotta sell my toys. Let's be clear. You fucking lazy ass. Just because people get a holiday you're crying about it. But some people get the holiday. Most people don't get the holiday. Every day is a holiday for you! What are you talking about?

Federal employees are so overworked, we're worried about federal employees now. You know... I can't, I gotta carry mail. I gotta work the DMV counter. Yeah, it's nice to have a day off. It's so hard. It's nice to have a day off from torturing everyone else. Meanwhile, so all these fucking federal guys get the day off. Let's say you work at a normal job, consumer facing. Next thing you know, all the parks are packed, the malls are packed,

all these layabouts, going on shopping sprees. Now you got extra work for all these federal guys coming in. What if you wanna go to the gym? And the kids, well, okay, let's say you're about to be a parent, right? You got stuff you wanna do, maybe you wanna hang out, play the new Mario Kart, well, what do you know? The schools are closed.

So you gotta deal with your fucking kid. I have to deal with my son, yeah. You gotta deal with your son. He I have to deal with my son, yeah. You gotta deal with your son. He could be at school not bothering you. It's a terrible problem. I'm for Juneteenth even with all that stupid slavery shit. If you loved Juneteenth so much you would be celebrating. I don't see any red anything near you.

Look, here's the thing. Okay, if we're gonna have federal holidays, can they at least have better themes? Like all the themes we have are kind of like, we freed the slaves. That's a pretty good... That's a good one? Yeah! Why not? But that's- It's important to people. But that's a celebration of a shitty thing we did and then stopped doing, you know? I don't know if it was shitty, it could have been a lot worse. Like, we don't have like, celebrating how we stopped spraying DMT day, you know? We don't like, take everything- Oh. Do we have celebrating like, uh, remember we bombed, you know, the Japanese, but then we

felt bad about it and like, we don't have that fucking day. Yeah, we have V-Day. Oh, we don't have bomb day though, I guess. We don't have bomb day. Yeah, that's true. And we don't have reverse bomb. Like what is, what is the thing that the United States- What the hell is reverse bomb day?

Well, cause I'm saying we've done a lot of shitty things being like, hey, remember how we had all those slaves and then we, you know, after we made all our money from the slaves, we kind of stopped and had different slaves, which we're now trying to kick out of the country for some reason. Well, we'll see if we get a holiday after we get rid of all the Mexican.

We probably will. That should be a federal holiday every year on all the Mexicans. Oh, there's Indigenous Peoples Day. Well, that's again, Columbus Day, which also doesn't make any sense I gotta say I'm talking about it doesn't make sense it's great. I love Columbus I don't think it needs to be a federal holiday I think it could be observed

privately. Okay what does what needs to be a federal holiday then? The day they invented fucking the Big Mac? What is well what is some cool stuff America's done that like you know you go that's awesome. I'll tell you why you're wrong because they they try to do- the holidays that you want are like fucking Mario Day, March 10th, May the 4th, the Star Wars fucking day, national- Those are good American holidays. They are not good holidays, they're gay.

Mario would be a Japanese holiday. Those are all- The Star Wars? They're gay holidays. That's an American legend! Like, that's okay, I'm Those are all- But Star Wars. They're gay holidays. That's an American legend. Like that's okay, I'm on board for that. Star Wars, like that's the celebration of creatives. You know, why don't we have like movie day?

Like a celebration of all the cool movies we've made or like, you know. Wow, we need these days to remind us that this country wasn't always just being raped by plutocrats and illegals. There was a time when we celebrated things like slavery and war. Okay, so Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I think that could be Juneteenth. Let's get rid of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which has always been fucking weird. Because is it Junior or is it not?

It's junior So where how would you not know that well because I always it's Martin Luther King day. It's MLK No, it's MLK always junior. It's always junior 100% So there's no Martin Luther King If someone says Martin Luther King day there no, no, there is, but that was his dad who was just like a guy. He's just like a bad guy that no one cares about.

I didn't say he was a bad guy. You added that part for some reason. No one cares about him. Like why? No one's ever talking about his dad. So I'm confused. He goes, oh, black man. Hold on. So you must have been a bad

guy. I'm sorry. Is it a so his dad's just not ever a part of any of the days, he's not any, not even one single boulevard, is there all junior, MLK junior boulevard? Every ghetto. I don't know if it extends to the boulevard naming. So there maybe there's an MLK boulevard in like Baltimore

or something that is his dad's Let's see West Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard in Los Angeles June Junior I don't know There was two like a father and son. I thought the whole civil rights was a like a Sanford and son like Do it did it no there was one guy. I don't think that's right. Junior was the preacher. His dad might have also been a preacher.

Oh great. Okay. Fucking great. I mean there was a lot of pre- he was a- okay. Martin Luther King Sr. was an African American Baptist, pastor, missionary, and an early figure in the civil rights movement. So his dad was black? Yeah, no shit, his dad was black.

But I'm saying, Junior's the one who was like more exciting, you know? So Senior did nothing? He did like a little, he did some stuff. So it's only Junior that we're talking about? Okay. I didn't know that. But Junior's the guy who the day is named after. The boulevards are named after.

Because he got assassinated. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, okay. If you get assassinated, it's like a big deal. Okay. But again, we found out a lot of weird stuff about Martin Luther King Jr. after the fact and you go, well, why don't you just make it Civil Rights Day? Cuz now it's like, hey that guy. What do you mean we found out a lot of weird stuff? What are you talking about? Was he a furry? All the orgies and the potential rapes and whatever. orgies and the potential rapes and whatever and... And the...

Masad is making that shit up. That's not real. Masad! Masad! Yeah. He wasn't a gay orgy-having guy. What are you talking about? The FBI files claim that King may have fathered an illegitimate daughter.

Wow. He was cheating on his wife with Dorothy Cotton, a longtime associate. Because he needs freedom, man. You gotta have freedom for your wife, too After King's death several members of his inner circle discussed King's philandering Many justified his behavior by saying was no difficult No different from the biblical David writing Psalms by day only to be relieved at night by his concubine Exactly motherfuckers getting getting released

The rape is maybe the big problem Great Martin Luther King jr. Didn't rape anybody By bugging the room listen to King and 11 others describe an orgy Talking about activities from the night before yeah, it's actually assaulting a parishioner. How the fuck are you gonna rape someone in an orgy? Whoops. I don't know. Well, you know, if somebody says, I don't want to be a part of the orgy, and you grab them. Too bad. I don't know. You know, you can take-

I grab that bitch like a bowling ball. Bam. I'm just saying, now that we have Juneteenth, maybe combine it with Martin Luther King Jr. Day and just Black Day. And then there's no more confusion We just it's blacks all day black day whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah, and it's not a black day I don't know man Presidents Day. Do you care about any how many presidents do you care? You know what they should do when they do when they do diehard three

For like, you know when it's on like cable. Yeah. And they have to bleep out the bad words. Right. John McClane should have a sandwich board that says they should combine Martin Luther King Day with January Juneteenth and have it just be one day called Black Day. Because they can't put the N word on there. What's wrong with Black Day? I think if you said, hey, it's's black day Everybody would be really excited about it. Do I got to add the word history if it's black history all of a sudden It's better. Just call it black month. That's cool. What if what if he had a dream that she consented?

It's he might have does that count that man was a big you're on a I had a dream that's just This nappy isheaded old consented. I want- no, no. No, no. That was Martin Luther King saying that! I know that was him saying that. It doesn't make it okay. I'm saying I didn't even do it at all. The point is I wanted to go to the post office, but instead I had to celebrate slavery not being slavery anymore. Oh, why?

Even though it kinda- of even though come on I hope that you can open some of your toys to console yourself. I should open some toys It is wild man. How many tweets I'm seeing now man. They're still doing the tweets where they go, you know fucking Jose picks 60 oranges a minute and can you believe they want to kick him out of the country? And I go, you're right, we should pay him $35 an hour. And they're like, I don't want to do that. The United Farm Workers and shit.

I am incensed. Like I'm legitimately upset that it's the United Farm Workers that Cesar Chavez founded arguing for? Illegal criminal dollars an hour and against they've ever been a unionized Mexicans is so sickening and backwards It's really bizarre see I have no problem because I just go I love slavery I love paying guys less money to do a thing that I don't want to do Yeah, but I know it's slavery right and I'm okay with that Well slavery made the super killer trading cards which are looking fantastic

Oh wow Yeah, it's too bad. You couldn't get a slave to make the comic. Yeah, well we're working on that for the next one We need more. I need more comic slaves Okay, more comic slaves. Okay. I need more comic sleeves. My problem is nesting. Yes. My- I'm like, uh, I've become like a- institutionalized with chores. Like I don't really- I don't really feel like a human anymore.

I don't really feel like I have a person anymore unless I am actively engaged in a chore for the betterment of the house. Wait, so what do you say nesting? What is nesting? Nesting like when women prepare for having a baby. They call that nesting. It's called nesting when you can no longer have a garage full of just trash and Yeah, the clothing hamper has to be moved to the other side of the room and then back where the other side of the room where You have to walk out of your way to put your clothes in it instead of where it was

Was just right next to the bathroom. That's called nesting when you have to redo wash everything in your yard and redo it and Pretty much, you know, break your back. Have you picked a dark corner for her to give birth in yet? We got a couple, a couple picked out. You want to put some pillows down and some towels, of course. And then what'll happen is, you know, they'll just crawl in there. Yeah.

Like a little cave. Yeah. And, you know, it's great. And you'll go, oh, where'd she go? I, you know, I'll just crawl in there. Yeah. In a little cave. Yeah. And, you know, It's great. And you'll go, oh, where'd she go? I, you know, I can't find her anywhere. She's in the little cave. Yeah. She gives birth.

I put a little bar up on the side. I put a little bar on the side, like about six inches off the ground so that she can't lay on the baby and kill it. Yeah. You want to, you want to worry, you've got to worry about the rolling over. Yeah. The crushing of the infant, of course. The bar. Yeah. You got to put her in a little The crushing of the infant. The bar.

Yeah. You gotta put her in a little gestational cage. Right. I got one of those poles with a noose on the end so I can drag her out. Look at the baby. Give the baby its vaccines. Which I am for. All of them.

Yeah. We love them on this show. Of course we do. Yes. Here's we do. Yes. Here's the stats for you. 75% of pregnant women report experiencing nesting behaviors like deep cleaning, organizing, and prepping the nursery. And 25% of women are lying about it. How about that?

Isn't that an interesting stat? So you guys are prepping the house. You turned that spare bedroom into a nursery or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nursery in there. And there's, I didn't wanna start thinking about it because I know I missed some chores in there. Like the carpet pad isn't trimmed

or the fucking floating shelves aren't up or something. Floating shelves? Oh, yes. How much safety stuff do you gotta put up trimmed or the fucking floating shelves aren't up or something floating shelves How much like how much safety stuff you gotta put up so the kid doesn't like run into a wall? I haven't even I haven't done any safety stuff at all Don't you gotta put like you gotta put you know like sharp corners You gotta put that stuff on that foam on no no not yet. Not yet. That's not for a while. I got told today... Well, you gotta... The kid's gonna be crawling, so anything at like crawling level, you gotta worry about.

They don't come out crawling. It's not like a fucking kangaroo. They start crawling pretty... How they don't start crawling pretty quick? It takes them forever. They come out and they're like, ahhh! They're like, retarded. Well, obviously they're retarded,arded but like it's gonna sneak baby start crawling between seven and ten months old that's not that That's two months should add tons of times. I don't have to do it today

Should plan for it. Oh, I got told today. I said there's no There's no more room for in the, in the law, in the green bin for more sticks. I can't put more sticks in there. The sticks are just going to have to sit in a pile. And she said this, and I said that to my wife and she goes, you're not coming in the house until all those sticks are in the, in the trash bin, into the green bin and the lid closes all the way. She doesn't want the sticks. Not propped up on one side, like, I'm like, ugh, I just can't do it.

It can't be done. It can't be done. Is this is so is this just like an insane need to organize based on nothing? Well, because I can't imagine this. The sticks in the yard are going to hurt the kid, right? You'd be surprised what can hurt the kid. But is that what she's actually concerned about? That the kids are gonna get me some sticks? It's just gotta be perfect, Vito.

I'd be worried about the wolves taking the kid, the coyotes. Yeah, we got a little set of pajamas on him with little spikes on it. So he can't do that. So if they get him in the mouth, they go, I don't him in his mouth they go, I don't want to eat this guy. Women report spending $1000 to $3000 on nesting but it's actually $9000 that they spend. How about that? Can you believe they'd be that far off? Have you been spending a lot of money on a...

I don't even know. I don't even know. What is being... Okay, so your house is very... Yeah, go ahead. Your house is very Spart is being okay? I said I was very yeah Go ahead. This is very Spartan. There's like nothing in your house now. There's even less So now you guys are just like completely clear now is that kid just gonna live in a white room looks like yeah That's the goal. It looks like a

It looks like how Apple would build an insane asylum now. Yeah You know, it looks like a David Blum movie in here. You got the toys picked out for the kid. You got like a bunch of toys ready to go. I got 18 years of toys that picked out and they're buried in layers. So you get through them as you go through them. Not a bad idea. Yeah.

That's my problem. I feel even right now, I feel like I should be getting yelled at or carrying something from one place to another. It sounds as you should make it into a joyous process. I mean, you're preparing for a new life to enter the world yet. Yeah. I was like that for like a day, but this is like day 14. Why don't you be one of those like couples

that makes like gay little TikToks about like, today we're making the nursery into an underwater world for the child. And it's so bad because if I'm tired, then my wife's like, well, I'll just go do it. And I'm like, I can't let the neighbors see my pregnant wife loading sticks into the green bin. So no, I'll do it.

The neighbors have seen worse, I'm sure. I'm sure they already assume that it's a house of horrors. That's too low, even for me. All right, that's my problem. Fair enough. How much your research are doing on child rearing? What are you talking about? Research? Don't yell at them for picking the wrong lottery ticket.

That's the first thing you gotta do. You gotta instill in them that they gotta think about their choices. That's how life is a series of adventures that you have to participate in. You gotta homeschool that kid, man, California's nuts. Oh is it? I think so yeah. I'm hearing a... I think the racial demographic is pretty good where I'm at, but we'll see. Well it's true you live up the top of a shiny mountain so maybe you're away from... but the second you go down to the bottom of the mountain they don't bust kids up the mountain. No. No, we got spike traps and stuff So you gotta worry about bottom of the mountain kids man, cuz I see those kids hanging out loitering Yeah, hanging out at the smoke shop

vaping There's if those kids come up the mountain Yeah, but like this is like these are like six year olds vaping man riding their huffies around Yeah, those bottom of the mountain kids are a problem. We got a somebody built a somebody built a inside of a cave on the way up here It's a sign that says booby cave and it points into the cave and it's just a trap a pit of spikes That'll get the first wave of them. That'll get the first wave. Booby cave. But then you gotta worry about the bad gay kids

or even more of a problem. We've got plenty of pedophiles in this neighborhood. Yeah, those have dealt with them. You've got it all figured out. We got it all figured out. Well, Dick, here's my problem. As you can tell from my lifestyle and the way I live, I'm an aficionado of various deli meats.

Right. And I hate to say it, the deli experience could be improved in a number of ways. And as a former deli worker myself, I'm sometimes appalled by the service I receive at the Delicatessen. This is a problem I'm calling deli dummies. Okay. Dick, I go to the deli. First of all, it's a mess. Okay.

Because they have the take a number system that is never properly communicated to every other retard. Like, I don't know if they do that. They do that, yeah. They do have a big problem with that. Why, yeah, but like, how hard, look. to every other retard. Like I don't know if they do that. Yeah, they do have a big problem with that. How hard, look, I get some places don't have the ticket.

How hard is it to take the ticket from them? Take the ticket. Take the ticket. I literally, every time I go in, I take the ticket. They go, number 12, I go, that's me. And then a different guy goes, Oh, actually, I got here before him.

And I didn't know there were tickets. And I'm like, what are you doing that situation? I always feel like I got to go, okay, man, go ahead. But really what I want to do is go, well, you failed. You fucked up. Today you learned a lesson. Yeah. And this is going to reinforce next time to take the ticket.

Yeah. If I just let you go ahead of me, then the ticket system is pointless. Then it's a ticket plus feeling like you deserve it system, which complicates things. It should just be a ticket system. And you didn't watch Seinfeld. I can't believe it. So stupid. I was wondering if you'd pick up how much of a Seinfeld fit that clearly was. Anybody could take reservations. Anybody could give out tickets. Seinfeld fit that clearly well. Anybody could take reservations. Anybody could give out tickets.

I feel like we should respect the ticket system. Yeah. Then I get up there and here's, here was the worst part is, uh, I've been big on a mortadella lately. All right. The cheese? Uh, no, mortadella. Oh, is that what?

Yeah. Mortadella. The, uh, the, the balloon. It's like fancy bologna. Okay. I've decided this is a meat that is not getting enough love. Oh, that's gonna be your signature meat. Like a lot of guys have like a signature fragrance.

I think it's my signature meat, yeah. But you've got a signature meat. Okay. Like, well, you know, you go to a deli and you go, I don't know what sandwich you get. Now I have a shortcut in my mind to go, whichever one has mortadella on it, that's where I'm gonna gravitate to right okay All right, cuz whenever I'm trying to get an Italian sandwich You know they got some of these plays have like ten different options and the salami and the gabagool and now

I'm a mortadella guy. That's it all right, so I go Hey, let me get a half pan of that morta half pound of the mortadella. I'll cut it up I'll use it in the omelets is great. You know, you fry it a little bit on both sides. You make a lot of omelets, is that? Actually, yeah, I got- You do? I went to the, well now, cause I got one of those pans

that's like split down the middle. Yeah, I've only ever made omelets when there's a new girl sleeping at my house. I was at a Goodwill and I saw like an old, like a vintage omelet making pan and I said okay so you put egg in both sides you put your toppings on one side and then you want to cook it you flip it over. You close it? Yeah it's a pan it's like a half pan that like half the pan folds into the other half of the pan. It's metal?

Yeah it's metal but it has a hinge the hinged pan so you got egg on both sides you put your toppings on the left side And you flip the other egg side on top and you get a perfect omelet every time And then you got to have this pan in your kitchen the whole time well Yeah But you don't got to worry about you know worst part of an omelet is trying to flip it and you break it And it's so this is perfect. How hard is it to just flip it over? This is easier. This is better. Okay.

If you had one of these pans, you'd go, yeah, I get it. No, I don't like machines that do what I can do. You can also use it to make like filled pancakes. You put a little pancake batter on both sides. Oh, well then there. Then put some fillings over there. Then you got a filled pancake. I made caramelized apples for the first time.

I never did it before. I had some apple. Anyway. Okay. So I want the mortadella. But how do I want it, dick? Because I'm not an idiot. Thin sliced!

Yeah, yeah. Thin! This guy, I go half pound mortadella, he works in an Italian deli, he knows how to cut meat. Comes back, he cut it like a fucking ham steak! Oh no! And I can't go- Come on man, what are you thinking? Yeah dude!

I was like- Come on man.. What are you thinking? Yeah, dude! I was like... Come on, man. I was literally confused. I was like, why would you do that? Yeah, what's wrong with you? If you were going to cut it like that, go, hey, do you want it super thick for no reason?

No, I want thinly sliced meats that I layer gently into a perfect shape. I want them as thin as you can get them. You give me these huge, thick cuts of meat. What do you use thick mortadella for? What do you use thick bologna for? Well again, I can still cut it. Well that, yeah, again, I can cut it up. I can fry it or whatever,

but I can't really use it for a sandwich. It's too thick. It doesn't taste right. You want thin. Yeah, that's dumb. Yeah, it's not, it was not right for sandwiches. You know what else they always do is if you ask for like a pound of something, like give me a pound of carne asada. They're like, oh, okay. Well, they grab a bunch. It's obviously, it was not right for sandwiches. You know what else they always do is if you ask for like a pound of something, like give me a pound of carne asada. They're like, Oh, okay. Well,

they grab a bunch. It's obviously too much. Like, Oh, it's a 1.8 pounds. Is that okay? They're way over. I guess it's just fucking 20 bucks now, dude. Yeah, sure. Why not? No, Dick, when I first moved to Boston, I was a young boy. I was like 21, 22. I needed a job. I was a young boy. I was like 21, 22. Needed a job. Couldn't get a job. I assumed I'm a white boy. I got half a liberal arts degree. Clearly any establishment in the city would be glad to have me. What city? Boston, Massachusetts.

Oh, okay. All right. All right. I found myself at the Star Deli, the Star Market Deli. You were working at the deli? Working alongside a spirited group of African-American individuals. I was the only white person. Oh no. Oh no. And I was a deli man. Did you tell them about your Martin Luther King Juneteenth thing?

I didn't have that idea back then. No. Oh, we didn't talk about that so much. All right. They like to talk about how they were playing Grand Theft Auto. That was like the only topic that we would... That's cool. Yeah, they're like, yeah, we're playing Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto 3?

With the black guy? There was probably like 4 at that point. Oh, 4. Okay. Which is the one that guy goes, uh, here we go again. That would be San Andreas. San Andreas. Which is the third one on the PlayStation 2. Alright.

Now it is a good one. So I worked in the deli, one on the PlayStation 2. Now it is a good one. So I worked in the deli, I worked the slicer, and I gotta say I understand, having been in the deli, I understand why today's modern deli worker is fucking up, is slicing it too thick, is putting too much on the scale. Cause first of all, no training at all. Actually, I worked there for like a month and a half before they went, Shit, you're supposed to watch this training video to make sure you don't cut your fucking hand off. And I'm like, yeah, I probably should have watched that ahead of time.

They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, well just watch it now, but it doesn't really matter. Yeah. Uh, you would think being forced to operate a buzzsaw, like, you know, it is a dangerous piece of machinery yeah yeah I guess that should require like some real training instead they just threw me into the fire yeah how hard is it but I well I I think I caught on pretty as an aficionado of meat myself I think I yeah they could see that they're like look at him he's out he's aficionado he obviously knows meat yeah here's the thing about working in the deli is uh, it sucks. You just sit you just stand there bored Until a lady comes up and waste you it's always a woman

If a guy at the deli is good a guy at the deli will just be like, I'm gonna get like half out of him Simple clean transaction, right? A woman will show up and go Simple, clean transaction. Right. A woman will show up and she'll go, Which of these turkeys is the best one? Yeah. And I'm going, they all fucking taste. It's turkey. I don't know. Do you want it to taste like honey or not?

Is she a deli dummy also? When it comes to, yeah, she kinda is to expect. People fucking up to, yeah. Hold on. If you're using turkey, now if you ask me like, which ham is the best, okay. Right. We can get into something. Turkey's all the same. Turkey's gonna taste like fucking turkey

Yeah, I'm stupid you're not getting it But the only different with turkeys do you want it to taste like somebody dipped it in honey first or not? That's the only difference with turkey. Okay, so then she goes can I try a little bit? Can I try a little bit so I gotta give this bitch like 50 things of turkey She's trying to pretend they taste any different. They all taste the fucking same. We all know it things of turkey she's trying to pretend they taste any different they all taste the fucking same we all know it okay and then I slice her again I'm good I would get in trouble with the deli though cuz I did that thing where they're like can I get a half pound and I'd cut it up and would come to like 0.6 and I'd take a

couple slices off so it got down to a half pound and put the extra meat back on top and give it as like a bonus. Well who fucking cares? It's a little slice of fucking lunch meat that I'm giving away The customer probably comes back. They go I like that deli. No no no no they're not coming back for that. Why did you just throw it back in the thing? Well because I can't put a slice of meat back in the thing. Like I would have to throw out the slice. I'm not going to have one slice chilling out waiting for the next guy. Do you think they're going to be upset if you if you make them pay for it?

I just was like they asked for a half pound me as the deli man should not have gone over I overestimated my abilities It was impossible though. My only my only job is to get the meat as close as possible. I went over I'm ashamed So let me take a little bit off Bank error in your favor. Yeah yeah but you're not the bank in this situation I was the bank okay you want to be one of them yelling at you you didn't want to like piss them off the customer yeah I wanted to do some nice I don't give a shit I'm making I'd give them all the fucking meat for free if I could I don't care about this job I have no respect for these people. They're paying a shit fucking wage. I want to give away as much shit as I can

Why are you not charging him for it? No, I want to fuck over the the market the customer. No, I don't I don't really believe you There's got to be something more complicated. You think it was shame. You think it was shame Weird I don't know, I get it. That was like my thing. Like that, I'm the guy that gives you a little extra meat. You know, and I get, you know, with a wink and a smile. It was like my signature move.

You're like Robin Hood. Yeah, exactly. That's a very good, that's a very good point. And then until I got yelled at, they said, you know, you're not supposed to... Actually it was just, it was like the black guys going, you know, you're not supposed to do that. And I'm like, they don't know what are they going to do? Fire me? They're dead. They were desperate for workers, by the way.

So I knew I wasn't getting fired. You should probably listen to the black guys about stealing, though. Oh, dude, I robbed that place blind, like I was because I also was in charge of the seafood department. So at the end of the night, I would just grab as many scallops as I could and just like pack them in a bag and jam them in my fucking coat. I was eating scallops like a motherfucker. Like just those big jumbo scallops that are like ten bucks a pound. Okay. Oh dude, I was the scallops king. I was just come home and just uh scarab- I never got good at filleting a fish though. I still suck at filleting a fish. Oh.

That was the worst when like uh, there was a lot of Asian people in Boston from like MIT or whatever and they'd be like You can uh fillet the fish for me And then I'd like cut it up and butcher the shit out of it and they'd get very they had this Would you pay for it? Would you make them pay for it? Here you go. Here's the fucker. Ah, I just like yeah, I kind of like had to hide it in the paper, you know and be like here you go. Here's the fucker. I just like, I kinda like had to hide it in the paper, you know, and be like, here you go, it's all ready to go. And I'm like, oh, I butchered the shit out of that fucking thing. You never got good at filleting a fish in all that time?

No, I could not fillet a fish. I was terrible at it. Every time it came up, I really hoped somebody else was there, cause I knew I was gonna fuck it up. You couldn't just say no? No, I can't do it. I mean, it's kinda weird if a customer goes like, can you fillet that fish for me? And I go, no. Well, yeah, but it's all weird if you fuck up their fish. It would like, I would get them like a hat, like it just looked like shit. It was like a dog shit fucking fillet and it had like ragged edges or whatever else. Yeah, it sucks.

It was not good. Okay. I will say, okay, the most impressive thing you could do as a deli man if there's any deli men men out there is A guy asked for like a pound right he goes can I get a pound of ham all right you cut it up You put it on the scale And this is your golden moment in the dough this is your golden moment is the scale goes up, and it hits one pound exactly Yeah Right on the dot yeah

That's your moment. You know how you play it? How? The guy goes, hey, you got it exactly right and you got to look him in the eye and go, yeah? Yeah. Like you do it every time. No, I did do it. Oh you did? I did do it. I big-legged the guy I'm like, yeah? You're like like it's not even confusing to me that I got it perfectly right, because I'm the guy who gets it perfectly right every time. That was a good feeling.

That guy walked away like, I just met the most impressive deli man of all time. He got it exactly right. I'm sure he's still talking about it. And he probably does it every time. Yeah, alright. I will say the worst thing about the deli though is the Jews. I hate to say it. See you should have stopped when I- you should have stopped when I stopped it.

I just have to be clear. Guys, you gotta get over the ham contamination problem. Cause they'll show up and they go, hey did you cut ham on that slicer? And I almost wanna lie to them. I wanna go, no. Yeah do it. I'm not gonna do- That's all they want to lie to them I want to go no yeah do it I'm not gonna do that's all they want that's all they want their whole thing is lying that that's true looking back I should have just lied. That's the point of asking so you will lie. Instead I would have to go yeah and they go can you

clean the slicer and I would have to fucking clean the whole slicer, unscrew the fucking blade, wipe the whole thing down, all because Jews can't get ham on anything or they'll fucking burst into flames for some fucking reason. I don't get it at all. Well, Jewish people, go to a Jewish deli. Don't come to the regular deli. You have your own place. Just clean it.

Don't make me clean the slicer all right great problem Thank you What we got I would get I would get so bored though that I would look at the slicer and wonder how much money I would get if I cut off my arm and The numbers are not good What is it $7,000? There's a there's a table of how much insurance pay is out depending on which limb gets cut off.

Yeah, what is it? You would think cutting off a finger would get you something, you get like nothing. Well yeah, because you're stupid. What do you need to, what do you want to watch your mom for? You gotta cut off like a leg and an arm to get even a decent payday. Yeah, you don't need your finger.

It depends on the state, too. Alright, alright, alright. Dully dummies and federal holidays and minor nesting and... I forget the other one. Shows moving from their normally scheduled time. Shows and nesting. Alright.

Do we have Super Chats? Where are they? I assume we have super chats Studio guys make a mortadella sandwich put it on a nice piece of Italian bread I'm a big fan of moots or Dell, but uh Do you actually got some Havarti I think. Do do. So it's on sale. See y'all.

Don't forget to vote on all the problems at biggestproblem.show. Dick will be in Boston this weekend. Yeah, see you in Boston. Okay, Stu K for two. When life... oh, god damn, I moved the thing. When life gives you lemons Yeah, eat them yeah eat them Okay, right Ryan renoxis for two. Thank you for not killing yourself. You're welcome. Cool for five. See you in Boston soon

Thank you for not killing yourself. Thank you, too Can I also mention from two episodes ago guts 93 for fifty dollars? Says yo been a fan of dick since 2010 got his book when I was 17 at bookstore because the cover was funny Been a silent fan for years you rule veto rules the fans of the show kind of suck But they're saying people out here keep it up dudes. Thank you for the Chat Salting the super chat super chat is that I just know we missed a $50 super chat I didn't know it was rude

She's well, it's still 50 bucks Balder for two happy Juneteenth fellow blacks Maybe he was talking about Balder skits Oh Sean for 10. Come catch the after problem with Crimsil tonight after the show. SkitsoshawnTV will be at Boston. Come say hi. Yes, wonderful. BlackCrimson for five. Thanks for the snacks

and thank you for not killing yourself. One, two, three for five, six. Oh, wordplay. Ben Shaw for five. Do you have a spreadsheet for when Superkiller comes out? My Indiegogo confirmation was June 18th, 2023. Do you have a spreadsheet for when Superkiller comes out? My Indiegogo confirmation was June 18th 2023. I do have a spreadsheet. Very soon.

Why would you have a spreadsheet? It's a spreadsheet for which pages are done. Oh, oh, oh. Gay bitch for two. Vito trim your beard. You look like a hobo. I think I actually trimmed it too short is the problem. Trim it long. Sega Genesis for five. I'm just glad my best friend Vito is having a good time. Renaxxus for two. Thanks. Thanks, GGIF. It's Friday. Strategia for two. Vito no watch Seinfeld? Allegiance shifting. To be fair- I was too young!

For five. You were not too young for Seinfeld. Vito being drenched in your own tears doesn't count as showering you stinky- Oh wow. Highfar Dingledorf for five. Rip the best bit on the show. Vito's bootyrenched in your own tears doesn't count as showering you stinky oaf. Wow. Highfar Dingledark for five. Rip the best bit on the show. Vito's booty crying face. Strategery for five. Imagine Elaine ordering a big salad in a different diner, but instead of ordering two small salads, it chucked dicks in my ass in a big bowl.

That would be terrible. Wrecked Sexton for five. Wow. Wow. Biggest problem. The pompous sarcastic hope this helps tagline that obnoxious people close every tweet with. Hope this helps. Captain Shakespeare for two. Keto Veto. Mr. M. Rath for two. Veto Nation. Veto rules all over. Sunglasses. Smiling face. Wrecked Sexton for five. Rich, I was homeschooled my whole life and look how I turned out. We'll call in sometime if you want don't trust Rakita on this

Getting a lot of mixed messages about homeschooling Yeah, call in if you have funny stories Absolutely, Gary smokes oak for two veto. Did you check out expedition 33? No, I have not but I'm aware of it Dean shock for two. Thanks for the laugh boys veto moving to Vegas Not a bad idea. Why don't you cheapskates put in a little more money so you can ask the whole question. Claxton Byer for eight. Toasted mortadella and provolone sandwich is great.

That's what I'm hearing. Silly Goose for five. I was hoping for Carl. Frowny face. Get PKA Taylor on again. Strategy for two. Deli man Vito. Rob's from the pig to give to the boar.

Thank you, strategic. All right. Well, I know you gotta get out of here. So, Dick, great episode. I will see you next week. I'll see you guys in Boston. And I'll let you go. Come on by whatnot.com slash user slash Vito.

I have a new username, user slash Vito, and get some Final Fantasy Magic Cards user slash veto I have a new username user slash veto and get some Final Fantasy Magic. You have a new username Yeah, I got the game of just veto. I had to ask them for it. Oh Now whatnot.com slash invite slash veto. I have the cheap pegs so I can sell those no one's gonna buy these expensive They're like this even the Japanese ones are like, this is like 60 bucks! Who can afford that shit? Alright, have fun with that. Bye everybody. I got a box if you want to buy it, dick.

I don't. You don't box the regular ones. No, I don't want any more things in my house. Goodbye. You like magic. Bye.