The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 2 - Fat Brains Need a Bidet

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

Fat Brain, The War on Blackface, Kid-Friendly Pride, Lack of Bidets

What is that show that I'm singing? I'm not sure. Now remember, the show is exciting when you're excited. So whenever Dick gets animated, be sure to clap and laugh along. What is that song from? Is that like Tonight Show? It's from The Dick Show.

Oh, that's The Dick Show? No, I know. It's like one of those late shows. It's from the Dick Show. Oh, that's the Dick Show? No, I know. It's like one of those late shows. Somebody's coming out and late. Yeah. Chubby Checker. All right, you look better.

Doing the twist. You look better. Let's see. Yeah, there we go. Da-da-da-da-da. What's up, gentlemen? Well, now I'm trying to figure out where that song comes from. Yeah, I know. I do think it is just like one of those generic movie stand-ins for a Tonight Show.

No, that's from something. Is it? Yeah. Someone's going to know. Where is everybody? Did everyone have the day off here? Or are we just that early? People are so used to me being late

Yeah, what the fuck? Where is everybody? People are saying it's the Tonight Show It's the Tonight Show? Somebody said Alright Well, it's the Tonight Show It's the Tonight Show

Tonight Show with Jay Leno No It's gotta be it Maybe Or did he change it? To be more Leno-y I think he might have changed it with Jay Leno. No. It's gotta be it. Maybe. Or did he change it to be more Leno-y? I think he might have changed it. Yeah, it might have been

the original Tonight Show. Minutes before the show is weird. Yeah, that's true. It is weird. I sound terrific. It must be you, Johnny. Is it? No.

It's not me. I fixed all the sound though. Oh. Right before Sean left. Oh. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this Swiss cheese sandwich I've got here.

Yeah. Look at this. I was trying to make sense of that. See all them spiking all over? One screw up and you're stuck in an infinite loop. And you'll blow your ears out. But I navigated these channels successfully. That's how to bring you cantilians hitting on

sports bra taylor to bring you that magic i've done all of this to bring you that so he could hit on her from discord to skype where she video calls in because i don't want to put her in discord because then people will have easier access to talk to her and then that will be the end that was the end of Chris the Kiwi right access so I'm keeping Taylor in my walled guard in my tower my ivory tower of Skype is that the correct usage of ivory tower Vito yeah is it just tower because Rapunzel wasn't in an ivory tower It was just a big tower What does ivory tower come from I think it I don't know

It's to signal prestige and wealth Well that's not what this show No Signifies It's more of a Shit tower Shitty tower Lumber tower

When is this gonna turn into a furry server Now This is a furry Show You didn't know that This is a furry show! You didn't know that? This is a furry show for furries. We just don't talk about it that much. Yeah. Of course.

We should all discuss our fursonas. Yes. Mine is Wild Paw, the tiger claw man. Can you bump him up a little bit, Johnny? Test one, one, two. And then I think we're ready to go. Hot dog.

And my partner is... What is your partner? Snow, snow fur. Snow fur? Snow leg. Did you put fur in the fursona? Is that the ultimate sin of fur? My name is Adam Human.

Adam Human. Humanstein. Adam Human. My name is Alfred Manstein. I've come to live among the furs. Oh, my God. I woke up to a reminder today. You know what the Google, do you use Google Photos or maybe Apple Photos?

No, Apple doesn't do this. This is a Google Photo only feature. It's called the, hey, remember how fat you were feature, the hey remember how fat you were feature where every every day or so it'll pop up a here's how fat you were five years ago uh i got and you're of course it's you so you're you have to swipe on them it was five years ago today that i was in mexico with 80s girl, secretly, remember? Right. And we're working on that which would become the Dick Show episode one, which is the five-year episode

anniversary next week. Oh. Actually, it said, it didn't even say, look how fat you were five years ago. It popped up a picture of a urinal, a Mexican urinal,

that had a big ice block in it, and as soon as I saw that urinal, it took me back like ratatouille. Oh my God, I remember how aggravating this urinal was, built out of tile, that they didn't trim, so you have to piss,

launch your piss over an entire section of tile. You know how much Mexicans love just cutting things off, right? Eyeballing it. Like, well, you know, this comes as a hole, and then you put the hole on it, and they're like, ah, you just cut it in half. There you go.

That's just as good, and it's like a round and a jagged edge on the other side. Okay. This time, they decided not to do that, and the tile that they, that the purpose for it was to put on the top of the lip between the drain and the trough of the pisser and the pissor. Yeah, between you and the pisser. Yeah, deliverer.

So you have to, any kind of dribbles or squirts or false starts just are like a track, like the DeLorean's fire going back from your piss, splattering all over your, I took a picture of that. So I'm going to talk about this on the show. So a picture of your penis hanging over a Mexican urinal? Not my penis. That's very generous of you, but no, it's just the urinal. I've got to pull it up, right?

Yeah, I mean, I think like now we got to see what you're talking about. Now you got to see what I'm talking about. And then I'll show you how fat I am. Memories together. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, no, these aren't. I got my Google memory, and it was a very racist totem pole outside a gas station on the way to Vegas. Wait, what? That made me happy. What do you mean? There's this gas station. If you're on the way to Vegas from LA, you can stop at. And they've just got this weird, like, metal sculpture.

Five years ago, it popped this up. And I thought, oh, my God, I remember. That's a urinal? Right? Yeah, that's super, super weird. The ice in there isn't,

look at that. Jesus Christ. That's very odd. Here, you want to see how fat I am? I'm going to block out. 80s girl, this is the picture.

The very next picture is 80s girl taking a hilarious pretend drink out of a, you know, novelty sized Jack Daniels bottle, as though that had never been done.

Hey, let's take a picture to start off our Mexico trip. Sure, let me just grab this novelty-sized bottle of Jack Daniels that still has the wrapping on it, the cellophane, the safety thing on it. Yeah, it's not open. And I'm going to take a pretend, I'm going to put my hand on the nozzle so you can't see that it's not glowing. The cap's not off.

I said, all right, that's wonderful. That's hilarious. She should be a comedian. Yeah. Yeah. There's the thing.

Is she really drinking that? You know what? Wow. So thank you all for listening for five years. Oh, my God. Yeah! Welcome to Dig. You want to dig, you love to dig, you need to dig.

You've got to dig. It's a show, reference, and contest. Coming to you live from Mount Brunkard, even the hardest city of failure. I'm your host, Dick Maxson, aka the 20 million dollar man, murdered America's worst Mexican, 111 weeks running. Joining me today is Johnny the audio engineer. What's up, Dick? Johnny on the spot. Did you like that Kendall and Hyde song? I loved it. Friends and family loved it. Fucking Kendall knocked that shit out of my park.

You played it for your friends and family? Oh, yeah. Whoa. Like, well, hey, everybody, look at this song that this guy wrote about me like that. Oh, yeah. I went out the gate and was just like, you know what? Like, I am so great. You should all fucking know about this.

Tell me about your favorite parts of the song, too. That's what you told them. Give me your favorite parts, and they better all be different and unique to this song. The fanny pack part was pretty good. Yeah. I still have that collection. Of fanny packs? Yeah.

Fanny packs are great, man. This software company is known for not giving anyone free shit ever. Yeah. So I got four free fanny packs from them. I was like, what's up, idiots? Why would they send you? Because you're so cool that they want runoff cool? Runoff representation?

This guy probably knows three cool guys. It was at a trade show, and I was wearing a fluorescent jacket. So when I showed up, they were like, ah, well, you need these to match. This guy needs a fanny pack. Yes, I do. Okay, and joining, thank you for being here on this very unhealthy show. Thank you for killing yourself. Vito, joining us is Vito.

Hello, Dick. Hello. How was your experience rebooting the biggest problem in the universe thank you if only i had known you instead of my girlfriend five years ago we could have just rolled the old show into the new one straight forward into the new thing my life would be so much better well it's been a whirlwind dick yeah ever since we've rebooted that show i mean hundreds are pouring out of the woodwork to congratulate me on my fantastic performance. I wish I had a drum roll

that I would play because we always do at the beginning of the old show which problem, we did a thing called which problem had the most votes.

Oh, wow. That's a creative name you came up with. Yeah. Which problem had the most votes? Shouldn't you go from bottom to top or you go from bottom to top?

Or you go right to the top? I don't remember why we did it. There was some autism at play. Now I can't find where. Scott, Maddox had this stuff together. This wasn't up to me. I actually can't find where. I listed them out.

I need a control F on my eyes. I can't look for things anymore. You can't search on a paper. Well, I saw it on the, No, I can't search on a piece of paper. Let me pull it up here.

Yeah. I know woke marketing had the most votes. Yeah, I think so. I think, you know, it's weird.

I went in blind to a format I've never done before and surmounted the king himself. Well, you had the most votes. It's not, that's all that, that's all that it, no, it's just me and Sue. Because people, people are voting on the problems themselves. Sure. See, they're not voting, it's not like a, it's not.

Yeah, Vito, there's no winning. Oh, okay. Well, we all win. So like if you won, you would never play like a comical song to like taunt the person who maybe had lost that wouldn't be a thing look it's it's about the problems are there to stand on their own right either of us could bring in the same problem we could even just argue at ourselves about the problem it doesn't matter so the fact that woke marketing came in with the most number of votes is... Ultimately meaningless.

Ultimately meaningless. Right. Buy the dip came in second. That's good for me. Although mine, which came in second, is very important. Yeah. Pokemon card scalping came in third. Pronoun resistance.

I can't believe that people weren't more receptive to my very intellectual problem. Yeah. I can't believe more people weren't like, wow, Dick, I never thought of it that way. I should change my behavior. Thank you for correcting me. You really thought telling everyone to assume gender neutral pronouns was going to blow people's minds?

Let's see what I got here. Sean sent in a text message about his trip so far, which I hoped was going poorly, and it is. So that's good. He said, it's a disaster. The fucking rental SUV blew out a tire one day, and the cooling system fucked up on the next, changed a tire on the side of the 10 freeway with trucks whizzing by before AAA

could get there, and the spare was flat also. So they had to come anyway. If it fucks up again, I'm going to drive it through the rental place. Sean's not having a good time and I'm glad about that because he shouldn't have

called it. He shouldn't have left. He shouldn't have left. Serves him right. Okay. Should we do our problems right away? It's up to you.

Are you prepared for that? Yeah, I wrote some things down. You wrote some things down? Do you want to go first as the winner? Is that the protocol usually? Okay, yeah, if that's the protocol. Go for it. Okay.

I got a lot of things to bitch about. White Boy Summer starts today, officially. I don't know. Johnny, did you know that? I did know that. Johnny, did you know that? I did know that. Here is how you know. This is Elliot Page's pool. White Boy Summer starts when Elliot Page posts his first topless pic of the season.

Look at those abs, man. This is Elliot Page's. I don't know if I'm... For some reason, I think Elliot Page is allowed to post a topless picture of himself, but I kind of don't know if I am allowed to re-show it, but I'm going to do it anyway. No, you're allowed. You don't know if you're allowed to show it. There's a lot of bigots, Vito.

Oh, you don't want any bigotry. I don't want any bigots in the trust and safety to say, well, you're showing a topless man, and that's not allowed. Like, it's the 30s anymore. Yeah. Look at those abs. Do you think those abs are real? We were trying to discuss.

Those abs are real. Yeah. Yeah, look at them. There's inconsistencies. I think they're silicon implants. They're not like under the skin. No, no, no. Ninja Turtle Halloween costume abs.

That's what I'm saying. God, I'm having a bad hair day. I think he went to China and got some implants. But look at these obliques, too. These are real-life obliques over here. You're saying those are fake, too? Listen. They'll put a little silicon pad

underneath the skin, sew it in there. Here's what you're not realizing. They'll add ridges to your penis if you want them to. The Chinese can do anything. For a woman, it's easy to get abs

because they love starving themselves and they love doing core workouts and Pilates. That's true. Easy. A woman could get abs like a man can get enormous biceps. Do you understand? They love doing the workouts. They love starving themselves.

But for a man like Elliot Page, it speaks to his tenacity. Right. Page, it speaks to his tenacity. Right. Because it's extremely difficult for a man to get abs, especially ones that look like this. And look at this pool, man. Elliot, buddy, you got to clean that. You got to clean that pool.

It's disgusting. Yeah. It's like it hasn't seen chlorine in about eight years. That's some yellow pool water out there. All right. Elliot Page is looking like the pool boy, though. Maybe he'll be. You know, Page is looking like the pool boy though maybe he'll maybe he'll be you know you see him outside

the pool house you gotta keep your wife locked away don't let her talk to that pool boy what do you think they did with Elliot's tits

I think they probably donated them to you know like a hard rock cafe yeah they're gonna put them in lucite plastic and hang them on the wall

alright hit us with a problem please well dick what's the best way to put this you know there's one there's one thing that uh has been a problem yeah and that problem is blackface okay but here's the thing just like maddox no no no no, no, no, no, no. The real problem, however, is not historical blackface. It's the modern war on blackface. Oh, okay.

War on blackface. The war on blackface has gone too far. Now, we all know blackface traditionally was used to demean African-Americans, black people

by, as a white person, you dress up and perform in a menstrual type manner in certain ways or to characterize them as jolly or, you know. Were there a lot of black people getting attendance

and these things going like, why would I be here? I'm so pissed off that I'm seeing something. It was setting up stereotypes for them I think in society. It was setting up stereotypes for them, I think, in society. Okay. But then we've obviously evolved past it. We understand now that blackface

is offensive to the black community, so we avoid doing it, right? Right, right. But as part of that, as comedy, I know you're a comedian. I respect comedy. Comedians have played around with blackface in what I would say

is a very respectful manner that highlights how it can be racist. Okay. And you can't do that anymore. Oh, I see. And that's a problem. Okay. Now, ever since Black Lives Matter happened, we are now having to go back in these what I would call tasteful blackface representations. Like what?

What's tasteful blackface representations. Like what? What's tasteful blackface? There was an episode of the Sarah Silverman show where she wore blackface. There were multiple episodes of 30 Rock. Yeah. Jimmy Kimmel famously as Carl Malone on the man show. How about Kramer when he tanned himself and then showed up? And then talked about putting a fork sideways up your ass?

No, no, no. On the show, Seinfeld, when Kramer over-tanned himself and he was dating that black girl and at the end credits

he opened the door and he was all like super burnt and outrageous. I wonder if they've done anything about that episode. I don't think they have. Here's the problem

is that they actually cut Kramer out of that whole show and recast michael j fox they had to reshoot everything yeah the new side for the fox cut yeah yeah um where do you watch that peacock plus what are you what were you saying well i was going to say that because of the black lives matter this hyper sensitivity around these racial depictions they've actually

started uh removing episodes of television shows that you can no longer watch. There was three episodes of Scrubs are no longer available on Hulu. Five episodes of Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

A show you think would... I mean, come on. Talk about the disappointment of the century. Those guys... Those guys getting super woke? I don't know if they were, if they approved of it though.

They haven't come out and apologized for it. It might be the corporate overlord. Yeah, but they did a whole episode on like being black. Like they've done multiple attempts. They've attempted

multiple times to be woke on that show. They kind of go back and forth. It does seem like, yeah, more recently now. Yeah. Kind of everyone in Hollywood goes that way.

I mean, it sucks because there's even episodes where it's not really blackface. You know, there's the episode of Community where they play Dungeons and Dragons, and Ken Jeong dresses up as a dark elf and he's painted all black. That's blackface. Well, they've gotten rid of that entire episode.

You can no longer watch that on either Netflix or Hulu. The Office has had a scene removed yeah netflix removed both british comedies the mighty boosh and the league of gentlemen and not even cartoons are immune to this erasure of great blackface portrayals adult swim even pulled an episode of aqua teen hunger force yeah where shake is bitten by a radioactive black man. Oh, I remember that. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good episode.

Well, you're not going to be able to find it. So, Seth Rogen made those comments about how you should just be okay with comedy not being good anymore.

PC anymore? Yeah, he's like, well, you should just be okay with it being inappropriate. And that comedians should stop bitching about how things are inappropriate anymore. Wait, Seth Rogen said that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I pulled it as something to talk about. Wait, you're saying he's defending being inappropriate or he's saying he shouldn't be inappropriate? He's just saying stop complaining about jokes being inappropriate and just accept that jokes are inappropriate. Yeah, comedians shouldn't complain about cancel culture except that jokes don't age well and the big the real big problem with that and i think you're touching on it yeah that feels like that's a contradictory statement uh no he's saying just accept that your jokes aren't inappropriate aren't appropriate anymore except that there's a problem yeah you need to move on change your

material and stop fighting for things like blackface, like what you're doing right now. But a big problem with it is if the funny people can't use it anymore, then only the racists are using it. It's like this hyper acceleration of anything into something that is completely untouchable and toxic. completely untouchable and toxic. It's not like you've got a mix where, it's not like you've got a mix now where you can make a couple

rib-bumping jokes and then somebody takes it too far and you're like, oh, you took it a little too far. Like, just dial it back. Now you've got none of the former and the guy who had,

did not have the sense to know he was taking it too far, just taking it too far. Even further. Even further and even farther. And everybody's like, well, I mean,

I got nothing to, I can't stop him. Well, the other problem is that you have these guys whose entire careers are based on being offensive, being edgy, whatever else.

They've already established themselves. They've got all the money and connections. And this stuff is still funny. It hasn't stopped being funny. Yeah. It's just, now you have them gatekeeping and being like,

no, no, no, you can't make those jokes. And you're like, are you saying that because you don't want me to take your job because you know that like that's how you get in

is like by making people laugh or whatever else. I mean, like Tina Fey pisses me off that, you know, she becomes, you know, a big time comedian, whatever, you know,

head writer, SNL, all this stuff was always making edgy jokes. And then, you know, all of a sudden after she's this stuff, was always making edgy jokes. And then, you know, all of a sudden, after she's made all the money, after the show's off the air, she goes,

as we strive to do the work and do better in regards to race in America, we believe these episodes featuring actors and race changing makeup are best taken out of circulation. Here's the worst part. I understand now that intent is not a free pass for white people to use these

images okay i apologize for the pain they have caused the intent of your comedy does not matter sir it does not matter that you are highlighting the absurdity of racism and how ridiculous it is in this day and age doesn't matter still hurtful this has gone so far. Anything to get people to not talk about their money. Yes. Anything. Pitting that WEF, the World Economic Forum that I always complain about, they're always posting stats like, well, here's what women are making versus like, oh, you guys know that you're causing problems at home with this shit.

You guys are paying everybody. I have no agency over how You guys are paying everybody. Yeah. I have no agency over how much women are getting paid. Absolutely none. Right. You guys do. And then you do it, and then you make stats saying how fucked up it is to piss them off at home.

So for us to deal with. So they yell at us, even though we have no control. Yeah. Dick, the war on blackface has just gone too far. We are even now coming at digital blackface. Are you aware of digital blackface? Is that like Animal Crossing? That is.

Yeah, it's when you make your Animal Crossing character black. Yeah. No, digital face. No, it is. They had Afro puffs. Yeah, I remember that. And like, all the women all freaked out. They added a certain hairstyle to Animal Crossing,

and if you put it on a white character, everybody on the internet yells at you. Yeah. Yeah, that's not exactly what I'm talking about. Guys using the black thumbs up emoji, right? Or using reaction images

of Oprah or other prominent black women to communicate sassiness or, I mean, they put it well here. It's an online phenomenon where white and non-black people

share GIFifs and photos of black folks to express emotional reaction to anything happening on the internet though seemingly harmless the problem with digital blackface is that it often reinforces negative stereotypes about black folk those stereotypes might include that they are aggressive loud sassy or simply here for your consumption and entertainment. What reaction gif is that? I'm sure there's, I don't know.

I don't use a lot of gif reactions. I do. You know, because I have deep respect for the black community and I would never perform an act of digital blackface. Performing blackness, be it IRL or online,

is not an acceptable form of expressing reaction or dissatisfaction, especially not in exchange for likes and retweets. Would you do blackface if you could? Yes. You would? Yes.

What would you do? I think I have some ideas. What's like an idea? You want to think about it? They're a little too complicated. Too complicated? Oh, yeah. Okay.

I really want a meta commentary on blackface. The point is the war on blackface has gone too far. Would you want Chagat doing blackface? No, but Chagat wouldn't do it. That's the thing. You can do it in a funny way. It can be funny. That office joke they cut is hilarious.

Did you ever see that joke? I don't remember. They're having the Christmas party, and Dwight's like, oh, I'm Belschnickled or whatever, and I hit people with my whip. And they're like, that's not a real thing. And they look it up, andight's like, oh, I'm Belschnickled or whatever and I hit people with my whip. And they're like, that's not a real thing. And they look it up and they're like, he's often accompanied by his colorful imp, you know, Markachar, who, you know,

dresses in full black. And he's like, well, you know, we're definitely not doing that. And then he cuts to the parking lot and his buddy is dressed in all, again, he's got the full black face, gets a tax and just gets back in his car. I think it would be more insulting if I was a black guy it would be more

the most insulting stereotype would be that I'm offended by white people painting themselves with shoe polish and acting like

jackasses like that would be more that would be a worse stereotype that I'm offended by that than any of the things they could do

like the most minstrel thing possible like well you know I mean that's acting like an idiot I guess it's not really I don't behave like that

maybe I do sometimes when another race dresses up as a white guy and makes like white guy jokes it's hilarious right as a white person I love it only a white woman

would say this is their biggest this is the biggest problem for black people right is guys dressing up like them and acting like assholes. Or posting reaction images of them.

Because that would be the most offensive thing to white women. When you imitate them, like, Take out the trash! They're like, that's it. That's it. Comedy center attack. Okay, Vito, good problem. Thank you.

Speaking of Chagat, I had a conversation with him yes the other day did you see that I did on the kill stream I feel like people should watch that one

yeah I'm not a normal kill stream listener but the combination of you and Chagat and Ralph seemed like I needed to tune in

Chagat for some reason told everyone that he was that he had dated a 13 year old when he was 18 dated oh yeah

fuck sorry and uh that that he realized that he realizes this was a bad wrong but it wasn't wrong um because everyone does degenerate things uh and that also

it's okay because he has autism so they were technically the same level of maturity yeah he said that is a very autistic comment well there you go So they were technically the same level of maturity. Yeah. He said that is a very autistic comment. Well, there you go. My thinking was, well, shouldn't, doesn't that mean like you, it should make it worse? Like you have less understanding of a child.

Not that you are a child. Like being autistic doesn't minus years. It makes you a robot, right? Like 13 year old boys don't act like 18 year old autistic men. being autistic doesn't minus years, it makes you a robot right? 13 year old boys don't act like 18 year old autistic men pretty disturbing conversation Jesus Christ the idea that an 18 year old autistic kid is then you can have sex with

13 year olds because they're like the same thing I don't know I don't know about that argument I think we hashed it out I think Shaggy came away disappointed from that conversation i think he really expected you to have his back um i just you know i wanted to know feel out more of his reasoning um okay let's see here's my problem uh kids safe pride kids safe pride have you heard about this yeah have you seen this movement do you know

what pride is johnny the event where the gay pride event yeah big parade i guess people are bringing like their people are bringing kinky stuffs kinky stuff dildos stuff to indicate that there's sex happening at a gay at the gay pride event the g have sex. Is that a new thing for them? And there's a big backlash. I saw Vosh, the idiot talking about this and I'm seeing, I've looked into it and this is a big deal. Um,

making, making pride safe for kids. And my thinking is, uh, how much, uh, do you guys remember being gay is about having dicks in your butts, right?

That's, like, I don't know if that's the primary, is that the primary definition? No, no, no, that's what it is. That's what it is. That's the first thing I learned, that's how you explain it to a child, somebody who had never heard this concept before. What's all this about gay?

Well, it's about dicks in the butt. Right. That's it. There you go. That's it. Are you gay? How do I know if I'm gay? Do you like dicks in the butt?

Yes or no. Yes. Gay. Gay. Do you not like it? I don't, I'm not really, doesn't sound like my thing. Not gay.

Perhaps bisexual. Not gay. Okay. It annoys me for two reasons. First of all, there's now a significant amount of energy and effort and labeling and advertising and marketing directed towards what white women want being gay to be, which is all of this, oh, this is all about sharing love and blah, blah. No, it's about dicks in the butt.

You guys have been, you took dicks in the butt out to make gay marriage legal and talk all of the nonsense about love and blah, blah, blah. Straight marriage isn't about love, so don't try pulling this gay marriage shit is about love. Straight marriage is about dick in the pussy and money. Okay? That's what it's about. Gay marriage is about dicks in the butt that's it um sterile turning pride uh kids safe uh here let me get yeah what would that entail what do they want to get rid of they want to get rid of anything that could indicate sex is

happening or any kind of kinks or anything like that. Ironically, they're okay with that kind of stuff, but they want you to keep it in the bedroom. That is their message. That is the woke message to the gay community. We like your kinks. We're sexually forward-thinking, but keep it in the bedroom. Yeah, don't let us see it. Don't let us see it, which sounds awfully familiar to me,

having grown up in the 80s and the 90s. I have no problems with gay people. Just keep it in the bedroom. Just don't want to see it in the bedroom. Just don't hold hands in public. This is what they did to us. There is no straight pride parade where it can just be a bunch of

topless whores running around celebrating and we can all celebrate being straight because they sanitized our entire lives for children. And I don't want that to happen to our gay brothers. Does that make more sense no i totally agree with you um let me pull the idea that we have to sanitize like they've already corporatized pride like i remember we went it's like a bunch of floats with like chase bank logos

on them and shit i'm like wow this sucks it's just being taken over by this sanitized corporate brand. People who don't have sex. Yeah. By dickless people. Right. Can't stick anything in a butt. Can't get pride makes people uncomfortable and makes the event less accessible. When accessibility should be a priority. Why?

Shouldn't the priority be about dicks in the butt? Keep less family-friendly stuff to the many, many after parties and adjacent private venues every Pride has. The fact that this is controversial is insane to me. Pride should be a cool, queer-friendly block party that you can attend to meet with organizers and get cute shirts. Oh, my God. This is like a networking event now. It sounds so lame they're taking the sexuality out of everything and trying to force it about identity and trying to force it into being about your identity when it is not

you're i you know what i'm saying as a as a straight man it's not like i think about that i think about how i'm straight a small percentage of the day yeah and the rest is spent on the shit that defines me right yeah you don't spend all day being like oh i'm part of the straight community and this is my straight experience uh-huh and they're trying to your straightness boils down to i enjoy fucking women yes yeah yeah um but you can't do that if you're gay now they don't want you to focus on the erotic aspect. They just want you to wear a rainbow t-shirt. And I'm tired of kids ruining everything.

Yes. The family-friendly Vegas sucks. Family friendliness in general. Women, mothers should be driving their children from home to school in a constant state of panic that a gigantic erection is going to flop into view that a woman is going to have her top ripped off and go running down the street going ah it should be she should have one hand on the wheel and one hand over her kids eyes because that is the world we live in is there to get for there because of those goddamn kids. And I will be damned if I let those same women, mothers, do this to the pride parade. Can't we just force kids to wear burkas until they turn like 25?

It should be illegal to take them out of the home. Yeah. It should be illegal to take... There's no harm. What do you care? No. Just like bars. Oh, can you take kids in that bar?

No. Nobody wants your kids anywhere. Nobody wanted you to have kids. Fuck you for having them. You should have to pay a penalty for having them, actually. Oh, can I bring kids to your party? No. Why would I want that?

No one on earth has ever said, oh, yeah. Yeah, bring your kid. Love it. Help lower the fun of my event. I love not saying fuck. That's my favorite thing in the world. I love how you take down all my tasteful nude posters from my living room. Yeah. I love doing a crisis mental inventory of what things.

Sharp objects. Sharp objects and dildos that I have that cannot be seen. Dismissing accessibility as sanitization is a really underhanded and disgusting strategy. If you want something more spicy, blah, blah, blah. People claiming class. This is about the woke left trying to co-opt the gay experience identity or whatever and use it to cram their politics down everyone's throat it always annoys me the lie about who you are and what you want to do so that we can trick people into hanging around you annoys me always no oh you can't use you can't

use that to slur and do that why well because we want to trick people into going to your business we want to trick people into patronizing the business of a racist to keep

so you can stay so you can that's why we're gonna require you to not to not act in the way that you want yeah there you go

that's my that's my problem kids safe pride it's just kids in general yeah kids in general I mean you gotta narrow it down but Yeah. There you go. That's my problem. Kid safe pride. It's just kids in general. Kids in general. I mean, you got to narrow it down, but it's always about ruining something for the kids. Yeah.

For the kids. And who's behest? Why can't you buy vapes? Because some dumb kid bought some from China and vaped it too hard and he got sick. And by the way, teen smoking is skyrocketing now. Oh, because they can't get the vape on i have yeah they're buying cigarettes uh-huh good good i hope they all fucking get lung cancer and die because that's what you get when you you write these stupid fucking laws

okay what is what is your next problem my next problem is i don't know about you dick when i go out anytime i have to leave my house Or I'm outside of my house And I have to use someone else's toilet It's a nightmare You know why? Why? Because they don't have a bidet Oh yeah true

America's resistance to the bidet Is becoming a problem Yeah Now I have a bidet It has changed my life Okay Incredibly Yeah

You ever take a shit Alright And you gotta wipe Yeah I've taken a shit Yeah you've taken a shit We've all done this We've all seen this Okay I think I have But you ever take one of, all right, and you got to wipe. Yeah, I've taken a shit. Yeah, you've taken a shit. We've all done this. We've all seen this. Okay.

I think I have. But you ever take one of those shits and you just keep wiping and it never stops? Yeah. You just wipe it. You're like, how is there any poop left? How's there poop left? I've been wiping for an hour. And then you think you're done.

You get up 20 minutes later. Your butthole starts to itch. Uh-huh. You're like, how did anything escape from the... Listen, you get the bidet. Is that what that itch means? Yeah, it means that you got a little poo-poo left there. Something's tickling around.

But you wouldn't have this problem if you were living the life I'm living. You get a simple bidet. You attach it to your toilet. You blast a shot of pressurized water up your butthole. It is the greatest... You're not pulling up a picture, are you? No, I'm not.

Here's somebody grabbing for my phone. No, but I do like to bring faction figures to the picture. I have a bidet, too. I would like it to have a web component so I could target. Yeah. Like a little mover. Like move it around, yeah. I want to get one of the ones that heats the water.

I mean, the Japanese, of course, have embraced this technology. I got my dad one of those for Christmas. He threw a big fit because he'd have to hire somebody to install it. No, there's not. Oh, the heated ones? It was the top of the line. $700 bidet. Well, the thing is, man, people don't realize that the bidet is fantastic. I feel like this is the metric system where Americans are just like,

I don't want to change how I go to the toilet. I'm not going to use no fancy European numbers. Wait, why do you of all people think you have an opinion on the metric system? What do you do that's in measuring in any possible way and yet you are sure

you have the right take on the fucking metric system? It's the same American pig-headedness. Oh, anything foreign, I don't want to deal with it. Those French, I don't even want their fries anymore. I'm going to eat Freedom Fries.

Okay, no. Sometimes the Europeans and the Asians have it all fucking figured out, okay? Stop fighting them on everything. Why do you think the metric system is better? I hear this all the time from people who don't do no construction.

Who does math in 12s? It's base 10. No, it was, no! It started in base 6. It started in base 12. Oh, okay. Go hang out with the fucking Aramekans or the fucking Mayans or whatever the fuck. It's way easier to divide 12 by 2 and 2 again or

by 3 and 4 than it is to divide 10 by the same number of things. Oh, okay. Yeah, go wipe your ass with a fucking rock, you caveman. Look, build me, I want you to build me a desk using 10. Using a metric system. Go to fucking Home Depot and say, I'd like 0.01 kilometers.

I'd like a decameter, a decimeter of wood, please. Listen, man. In the same way. Put up the studs in your house. I don't understand why you're fighting me on this The point is motherfucker I just love every time Every time someone

Who has nothing to do with measuring says It's just Nothing to do with measuring Just like how we don't I measure shit okay It's not like I've never measured anything But you really want it to be in When I look at the ruler

And I flip it around And I have the option And you use the centimeter side sometimes yeah no you don't it's much more precise you measure your cock with the centimeter side of the ruler and yeah i need two rulers how tall are you how tall are you 174 centimeters you know you lie i don't fucking know my problem is not the metric system You're fucking You're trying to switch topics Because you know it'll make me look bad Look, the point is

Not only is the bidet fantastic For your fucking asshole, you asshole The scientists here use the correct system Oh, okay Scientists It's good for them Yeah Construction doesn't

Regular people doesn't Because a foot's like the size of your fucking foot That's why Oh, okay, that makes sense Yeah, because I use my actual feet to measure shit doesn't. Regular people doesn't. Because a foot's like the size of your fucking foot. That's why. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah, because I use my actual feet to measure shit. People do! People shouldn't! They shouldn't! That's retarded! People step things off all the time! Oh my god, dude.

Alright, now my problem is people who insist that the metric system is not worth its weight. It is not worth switching! It's not as good! Why does it work everywhere else? I don't know why they use... Is American craftsmanship that much better than anywhere else in the world? Yes! German precision engineering? The Japanese?

I don't know why Europe switched to it. Why do you think Japan's able to miniaturize everything? Because they take our giant, clumsy feet and then they shrink it down to this perfect little bite-sized clock radio that fits on your hand. It fits on your wrist. I think America's bigger, so our system grows harder, and America just let the right system, let whatever better system win.

Better system. Let the better system win. They didn't do that in Europe. They said, well, this makes sense to us, brainiacs who don't measure things, by the way. Just eyeballing it. This is just classic American pig-headedness. Look, 60% of Japanese households have a bidet.

90% of Venezuelan households have a bidet. It has increased health benefits. 90%? 90%. That's what they say. Increased health benefits. You don't get as much damaged skin or hemorrhoids, of course. Oh, really? It decreases hemorrhoids?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, wow. A lot of hemorrhoids are from like roughing, you know, like too hard wiping back there. Too hard to wipe. Yeah. Well, you'll like rupture some shit if you're really grabbing at the back of your ass. Jesus. How do you wipe your ass?

I mean, you know. Take it in there. You grab the sandpaper and really get in there. Do you remember that time in our shared history where every asshole had to tell you

the secret of using, like, those fucking moist wipes and then finishing it off with some toilet paper? Which is, I don't think that's helpful. I never understood that. I mean,

we just had to sit through that conversation multiple times. Really? Like, oh, God, why do I have to hear about this again i don't have to hear about guys being like oh i only use the wet wipes which uh they clog up the toilets and stuff you're not even supposed to use them for that yeah because that's the other thing this is very important uh if americans switch to bidets we could uh we currently use 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper annually in this country.

Okay. Switching to bidets could save 15 million trees. Oh, wow. Making a single roll of toilet paper, shut the fuck up, requires 37 gallons of water. People say a bidet wastes water. Yeah. 37 gallons to make one roll of toilet paper. Oh, I see.

So Elon Musk can't shut this one down because it does save water. It saves. It conserves. Not to mention toilet paper can clog pipes and creates a significant load onto city sewer systems and water treatment plants. The point is, I like to,

everything about the bidet is better. I like to bidet off the tip of my dick when I'm done jerking off too. Well, there's all sorts of fun stuff you can do. I don't want to wipe. They say women, if you get a lot of UTIs, you can blast your area. A little calming stream of water. And help out there.

It has all sorts of health benefits. I don't know. Blast your area. I'm just hurt. Blast your area. You don't say that to a girl right before you go to town. Make sure you blast your area. Things are going to get hot tonight.

No, I tell her, I'm going to blast your area tonight, baby. Oh, I'm not going to do that. It's going to get blasted. Oh, no? Stop fearing the bidet. Bidet fear is my problem, dick. It's unwarranted.

I wanted Maddox to bring in the imperial system, whatever ours is. Yeah, so you kind of used me as a stand-in for the... I knew he would eventually. You really... See, because I'm not even that passionate about that. I know, but you know people are. I don't have a leg to stand on. Like, on Reddit, everyone's like, oh yeah, I mean, it's like how the US does in Switzerland.

It's like, why do you think that... What is missing in your life that you're not using fucking meters and liters? Like, go to a bar and ask for a liter and a half of beer instead of a pint. Go for it. Go nuts. Nothing's stopping you. I got pulled down a rabbit hole on that one.

In over my head. Okay. I should measure more things and then I'll know. Build me anything and use your'll know. Build me anything. And use your fucked system. I can build some stuff. It doesn't matter which side you use for a small project. Go do it then.

I imagine there's some benefits to the metric system. I'd have to look it up. Okay. I think the main benefit is conversion across volume metrics. Conversion from across countries. to feet and stuff like that yeah yeah also just to set a standard you know worldwide uh fat brain is my problem is my final problem yes pull this up fat brain um and this is um this is a woman who has determined that blood pressure cuffs are cheating the data. And that's why fat people have high blood pressure, because it's the cuffs are too small and not made for.

This is fat brain in action. I've brought in a couple examples of fat brain. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Today I learned that because they're designed for thin people, blood pressure cuffs are simply inaccurate for fat bodies. That was her term, not mine. Although she might have meant it as fat bodies instead of the pejorative fat bodies. And the false measurements skew in the direction of bias. So like,

oh yeah, she understood the study. So who knows if weight has any connection to blood pressure at all? Who knows? Who could possibly know? It's because the cuffs, see? It's because the cuffs, Vito, they can't fit their fat in the cuff,

so they're getting bad blood pressure readings. Yeah, I'm not sick. It's that the world hasn't designed its equipment to accommodate someone as beautiful as me. I wish I could get any doctor to believe this. It also reminded me, and this is a pig responding. I wish I could get any doctor to believe this. It also reminded me how when my doctor asked me to get a home blood pressure monitor for the

hypertension I was diagnosed with solely based on my high blood pressure when taken in office, I had to explain that I couldn't find a cuff big enough for my arm. Okay, that's just incorrect. That's not true. Even in the men's sizes, Vito. Yeah, they make cuffs. I wish I could get any doctor

to believe. How huge could she possibly be? What are you talking about? Have you seen my 600 pound life yeah but she's is that a 600 pound lady might as well even then i'm sure you can find a specialty cuff they still check your blood pressure even if you're gigantic um wait a minute so this is fat people who just rather than accepting that they're fat and unhealthy. Fat brain will let you pull any reason possible why there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah, they're against you. They don't understand that you're actually very healthy.

This equipment is systemically rigged to give high blood pressure diagnoses. What about the test of climbing up the stairs? How's that one? Are the stairs systematically rigged? They don't understand that fat people, we need stairs that are at a certain incline. Then it would be fine.

Then I wouldn't get winded after five of them. Here's my other example of fat brain. This is a woman commenting on attraction and who you are allowed to be attracted to. Here we go. Let's listen to this. It's only a minute long. She got winded by the end and had to stop the broadcast.

Hey, bestie. You're wrong. Oh, God. I think it's time for another adult pre-K lesson. What do you think? All right. Turn your listening ears on. What do you think? All right. Turn your listening ears on. Okay.

Buffling your mouth. Good job. Okay. Here's the thing. God, I hate teachers. Having a preference is something like- So she's responding to somebody who said, oh, he isn't attracted to bigger girls,

like how some people aren't attracted to smaller girls. Oh, yeah. White women think they're really funny, you know? Yeah. It's like really obnoxious. He isn't attracted to bigger girls, you know, kind of like how a lot of guys aren't attracted to thin girls. Right, right.

Same thing. Goes exactly the same. You hear that all the time. Right. Everyone is entitled to their own preferences. Well, that's what she's saying is wrong. Here you go. Like, I'm looking for a partner who likes kayaking or wakes up early in the morning

or has a healthy bmi can't find a big enough kayak you ask a you ask this vat lady um name a form of exercise. Kayaking? Yeah, one of those top. That's a top five. Okay. Survey says loves pizza. But when your preferences exclude an entire group of marginalized people, that's problematic.

Okay, that's not nice. That's not a preference. If you lump all fat people in one group together as though they are not very different individuals, that's fatphobic. Just like lumping all black people in one group and saying, I don't like black people is racist. And lumping all disabled people in one group

and saying, I don't think people in wheelchairs are hot is ableist. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Dick is a member of the fat community. I disown this woman and her opinions. Have you ever struggled with fat brain? Yeah, I mean, you make little justifications here and there.

Well, that's my problem. Yeah. Just because of those threads, I guess. Fat people believe that they suffer. It's similar to the discrimination historically faced by as marginalized communities as the African-American community. Yeah. You know, you see a lot of cops, you know, shooting fat people. That's fatty.

Boy, did you get that sandwich, fatty? It's actually a gun. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. Cops love fat people because they know, A, you're not going to run, and B, if you do run, it's going wrap it's a wrap uh cops love fat people because they know a you're not gonna run and b if you do run it's gonna be fucking hilarious they're gonna they're gonna just go to the nearest hometown buffet they're just gonna jog beside you like you're done buddy you're still you're still trying to get away the rookie's like oh he's getting away he's like don't

worry there's a hometown buffet about six blocks that way we We'll just hide. We'll scoop him up on the dumpster. We'll hide behind the soup with some tasers and get that guy. Okay, so go vote on the problems again. Somebody was... I'm sorry that there's no downvoting. Fuck. And you have to log in to Patreon. Sorry about that. It's not that big a deal.

Okay, let's see what else I have here. To complain about. And ignore let's see what else I have here to complain about. And ignore Dick's metric system sidebar. Really tried to nail me on that one. I want you to put a TED Talk together about how the average person's life would be improved by using the metric system. It's a little thing.

If you try to order stuff from another country, it's all confusing. What are you ordering? I don't know. Do you want shirt order stuff from another country, it's all confusing. What are you ordering? I don't know. Do you want shirt sizes in metric? Yeah, shirts. This is as small as a one. To be fair, there's no standardized real clothing sizes anyway.

Comments. Critical thinking. I just watched the episode where Dick was pissed off that people had to sign a declaration, I think he means, in a government job that they were not allowed to boycott Israel. It's actually quite hilarious. I bet it's not. Quite hilarious to see how his tune has changed now for some reason. Because I got bar mitzvahed.

His arguments here are as pathetic as his argument preparing as his argument preparing a stick man drawing to Lollicon. I have to say Vito was a present surprise. What the fuck is going on? Is this guy from Vietnam or something?

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Vito was present on show. He did not talk over people like he has done before and made the show quite enjoyable. Yeah, I gotta shit up more. That stick man thing, really, I don't see what the difference is.

Oh, a stick man and a lolly. Writing it out with words. That's the question. Imagining it and you're like, oh no!

Oh, you took my drawing! I'm still imagining it! Whoa, what are you gonna do now? At what point is your drawing, you know? They're gonna have a sit-in.

All the lollies are gonna go sit in at Congress and have a, when all of it's illegal, they're gonna have a sit sit in and think about it. Then what? It's just confusing.

It's like at one point is a drawing so good that you're like, oh, now it's pornography. Because if it is a stick figure, it's like, well, you can't be upset about that. You can't be upset about any of it. But if you're good at drawing and it kind of looks like an actual thing. You can't be upset about any of it and by that i mean here

is a here is a fucking chilling stat um that i wanted to talk about last show let me see here this is how many hours i was going to bring this in as a problem but uh you know this is kind of a looser version of that show so uh this is how many hours the average person had to work to buy one share of the S&P 500. For the entire 50s, 60s, 70s, and most of the 80s, and all of the 80s, it was under 40 hours a week, bouncing between 5 and 40. So the average person would have to work anywhere from probably half a week.

Yeah, 40-hour-a-week on average, right? Our parents, Gen X parents, millennial parents, and, yeah, Gen X and millennial parents, so boomers and silent generation, they had to work half a week to be able to invest in a single unit of the stock market. Right? The stock market is it is a casino that you have to participate in

to retire. Like that's your retirement. Right. That is the American dream. Investing in it. The American dream is gambling it all on a thing you can't predict.

Since the 90s. Whether or not you'll be allowed to survive as a young person. It has skyrocketed up to uh i checked today it was 137 hours so our labor anyone who grew up in the 90s and beyond the value of your labor on average is six times less than your parents. So if anybody's asking why millennials don't just get a job, no matter what the dollar sign is, this is what it means for your retirement. Like this is what it means for the actual value of your worth

when compared with the market as a whole, which is not half a week to buy a single share, but 120 hours. Is that three days? Yeah. Wait. Oh, three weeks? Three weeks.

Three weeks. So almost a month. 40-hour week, 120 hours each thing. It takes you three weeks to get the same bang for your buck. It takes three weeks for you to work. So I'm paying the same amount of the market. Yeah. For you to work for So I'm paying the same amount of the market. Yeah, for you to work for the

same piece size of America that it took your parents half a week. Half a week. Yeah. Three days. If you're worried about anything, my point is, if you're worried about anything, lolly, whatever, and it's not that single solitary figure,

you're wasting your time. That is your life flushing down the fucking drain. That single graph. Let me pull it up. Vito, what are you going to say? Well, they always try to distract. I mean, it's anything. I mean, even like the ongoing, the racial stuff.

You're like, yeah, this is all terrible, and I totally agree with all of it. But ultimately, they always want to distract you away from the economic aspects, the economic arguments. Three weeks. They love that people are sitting economic aspects, the economic arguments. Three weeks. They love that people are sitting around going, the real problem in this country is race relations. And you're like, no. They want you to think that. They want you to constantly talk about that.

That's why the media is talking about it every fucking day of the week. Because otherwise they might report on this shit. I'm glad you're all here for the George Floyd memorial. No, we're having a drag bankers into the street day. As it turns out, that's what George Floyd would have wanted. Well, then we're going to have the FBI come and assassinate your leaders in the sleep. Yeah, of course.

Okay, what else? Thank you, critical thinking. Valerie Kelsey, Pokemon card scalping is history repeating itself. We were the direct victims of uh of adults scalping beanie babies when we were kids now we hoard pokemon cards how about that cycle of violence continues were kids into beanie babies though i felt like that was always like i don't remember any kid who really cared about beanie babies yeah it seemed like it was more adults who were like yeah these are like super rare and it was like moms and like weird. Kids didn't give a fuck about Beanie Babies.

Yeah. Kids cared about Pokemon. I remember as a kid, like, they're like, oh, there's going to be Beanie Babies in the Happy Meals or whatever. And I was like, oh, yeah, I know some kids have a couple of those, I guess. The Gentleman's Sausage. Pronoun resistance is the biggest problem because people are choosing to lose. It costs literally nothing to just be they, them, and then you win. Yeah.

I mean, people are playing. I still don't understand the definition of win. I don't know. It's like men are better than women. And no one has ever asked me, what do you mean by better? And then I just go, honestly, I don't know. You know what? It's just fun to say.

I mean, just fuck women, right? That's pretty much the book. Maybe that's why it came in Deadlines. Coke and Steve says dude I'm poor thankfully I live in a compact semi-urban area

that's fairly bicycle friendly which allows me to sacrifice a superfluous vehicle in exchange for silly little things like food and shelter

I'm not trying to be a public nuisance I'm just trying to go to work and get by lay off the fucking bicycle hate man

I don't know what that was directed at honestly well that was like an old thing right Just trying to go to work and get by. Lay off the fucking bicycle hate, man. I don't know what that was directed at, honestly. Well, that was like an old thing, right? That was a brand new comment. Yeah, but I'm saying, I know one of your old shows was complaining about bikers or whatever. I mean, I do complain about bicyclers. You don't hate bicyclers who like, you know,

stay to the sidewalk and don't bother anybody. No, I hate them all. All of them. Yeah. If you own a bicycle, you're fucked. Yeah. Oh, shut up. No, you don't bother anybody. No, I hate them all. All of them. Yeah. If you own a bicycle, you're fucked. Yeah. Oh, shut up. No, you don't.

I used to be a bicycler. I used to bike to work every day. It was great. Horrible. I stayed out of everybody's way. Hey, Dick. Asher is what we call in Hebrew a homo masriach.

A smelly... I don't know. I disavow that. I don't know what that means. Is that for real? Yeah, this is what he says. Smelly golem? I was born in Israel here.

He was born in Israel here and lived here a whole two months in 2011. What a fucking hero. It's as if he was almost on all the 9-11 flights. He was lucky. I was almost the pilot. That's a good one. He was lucky. I was almost the pilot. That's a good one. He was lucky enough

to get out of here and not have to worry about teaching his kids why they hear alarms and need to go into shelter whenever Abdullah or whoever the fuck down south

wants his people to die in vain and still has the audacity to pretend that he knows anything about any of this. We have mandatory army service here, something he avoided being the smelly F-slur he is by leaving the country,

some of which fought in Gaza and some who were fighter pilots that actually bombed it. Let me key you in on their directives going over to bomb Hamas bases and shit. Hey guys, don't shoot kids. We don't want anything. We don't want anything, we don't gain anything from shooting kids. That's what they tell the fighter pilots. Makes sense. This shit's never gonna end,

and I care about resolving it as much as you do, other than actually trying to take care of the safety of my family who's affected by it. We're gonna keep winning, but idiots like Asher just infuriate me, and they should go get some hummus, shove it up their ass, and use it as lube

for the Palestinian dick they love so much. Go fuck yourself and smooches for Johnny, Sean, and Vito. L'chaim. Joseph, who's actually in Israel and experienced being bombed, you fucking dipshit. Kind of the Israeli perspective there. I guess that would kind of upset.

Passionate people, I'd say. He's got some colorful language. Yep, yep. Oh, more about Israel about israel huh oh really people had strong opinions on israel that's interesting again never seen people in america like so uh well they're taking it they're taking our tax dollars yeah i mean they're pretty much all the tax dollars are getting wasted i don't know why today you're upset about those. They're all just getting burnt. They all didn't need to be collected anyway. They could have just printed more money, but that would make the rich people's money worth less.

So instead, they set up this elaborate system to fuck over dad and take his money and fuck him over and feed it to the rich guys. I don't... Oh, and Israel has something to do with it. Oh, you don't say. Alright, let me see who else we got. Does anybody want to call in today? Hashtag free Palestine. I don't really care. There's a ceasefire though, right?

So it's up to time. It's fine now. Yeah. Okay, Reddit rages. Reddit rages. Oh, it's only one right now? Wow. Traditional Cup. IT guys make me rage so hard. Michael Crichton was spot on when he described the IT guy in Jurassic Park as a lady, greedy, sloppy fuck-up who just diddled around for hours before screwing up the entire park.

I've known an IT guy to actually get something. I've never known an IT guy to get something done. Every single one I've worked with always follows this pattern. Poke around with shit that's not really broken. Break the fuck out of it. Spend weeks trying to fix it, but mostly sitting around fucking off while getting paid. And when you finally lose your shit on them, the best they'll do is a convoluted patchwork

mess of wires and monitors that looks like hell and runs like shit. Yeah, it's only a matter of time before he cuts the... Oh, he was... Something about an unhygienic slobber. Well, I don't know. IT guys? Yeah, I haven't dealt with an IT guy in a while. Adenovae, my company is issuing work phones

to everyone that doesn't already have one, and what makes me rage is all the incessant bitching from Boomer coworkers that want to continue to use their personal phones. Just shove the company phone in a drawer, keep using your personal phone, and shut the hell up. Or better yet, just retire already.

Yeah, i guess that would be no i was you complain about getting a free phone on top of your phone i don't understand that always a problem uh just need something to complain about detective jarvis people guessing the gender of your unborn child we're not gonna know till birth but people say the following to my wife uh your face isn't as fat as last time. It must be a boy. You sneezed a lot yesterday, so it's definitely a girl. Same person again, but with a bunch of people agreeing with them this time.

Well, when the sun was in the east, you queefed before breakfast. Whoa, but burped after breakfast. You slept on your right side last night, but the sun gave you a new freckle and you look tired today, so it's got to be a boy, even though it was a girl

last week. People just making guesses. You just summon the tree witch and have her dream the nightmare. If only women didn't get so fat. If they could just be pregnant and do the whole thing without... If they could just put it in a pod.

They're doing that. I can't wait for that. Did you see they grew a deer in a bag? Really? Yeah, so they can make artificial wombs. Right now, it's going to be for like kids who are born premature. You take them and you immediately

jam them in a womb bag. Okay. Yeah, there's a video if you want to watch of a deer in a bag. No, I feel like I got the see you right now i got a i got the whole thing it's pretty creepy to see a like half-formed deer just riding around in a plant it's like a see-through bag i like it going on i want a few i mean obviously obviously that's got to be bad for the baby we all we don't have to i don't have to even care about that let's just have

let's just stick the stupid people's babies in the pods so they can get out and start collecting welfare and eating bugs. This is the future that I'm happily gunning for now. Well, you're going to have a pod in your house. They actually have mock-ups where you'll be able to watch your baby grow and pour bugs into a funnel so the kid can eat them in the womb. And then you can just have hundreds of them. Yeah. Oh, that's wonderful. A bunch of iBaby pods

around your apartment. Let me see what else I got here. Get vaccinated or lose your job. Oh, my God. That's Steve. I'm putting chemicals

in the water to make him gay before he comes out. I want a gay son. The anti-vaxxers. Oh, it looks like they deleted. Oh, did you see the Amazon suicide pod?

Yes. Let me see that. I think I saw you post it. Let me bring that up. They deleted their post about it. Oh, they deleted the tweet about it? They deleted the whole video about it. Yeah, because what the hell?

What are you, insane? So Amazon, if you're going to announce anything. Johnny, did you see this one? No. Amazon made a, you know how in press releases now, like they have to say so-and-so has teamed up with, like the ultimate in pod making has teamed up with the mindfulness expert to bring you the Amazon wellness booth called Amazon Wellness Booth called Amazon Amazon Wellness Booth, which was

basically a jerk-off. It's this little tiny closet to go in and sob because you work at an Amazon warehouse. It's a closet in the middle of an Amazon warehouse where you could go be on the computer. And I think they had it locked down to only let you do mindfulness

exercises. Is there a computer in there? Yeah, there was a computer in there. So you sit down and it has you do a little zen, whatever the hell. It lets you work on your breathing. Right.

And then there's a drawer with a revolver in one bullet. Also, I'm pretty sure. The Zen booth. A key part of the Working Well program is AmaZen, a meditation and mindfulness initiative provided to Amazon

warehouse employees via the computer in the Zen booth. Like the fucking Batmobile, everything in the Zen booth. During shifts, employees can visit AmaZen stations and watch short videos featuring easy

to follow well-being activities, including guided meditations, positive affirmations. The entire booth just goes black and it just blinks obey at you for an hour. Calming scenes with sounds. So like a screensaver? Yeah. Like just Windows logos flying around? Flying toasters going past.

And so much more, the company said in a statement. saver yeah like just the windows logos lying around flying toasters going past and and so much more the company said in a statement but internet users are responding uh we're quick quick to criticize the zen booth yeah i mean like if you're gonna announce something maybe be like oh we're gonna pay everybody a little more because we're a bajillion dollar company not we built one box where you can watch videos we We built a suicide booth that taunts you on the outside with the promise that something in this booth could deliver you out of what is certainly obesity-triggered depression.

As though anything magic, with the constant reminder that absolutely nothing can save you from the hell that is your life. That could possibly be in this magical booth. Unless it is a time machine or something that would just squish you. Or poison you the second you stepped in. Yeah. A little blue...

A sweet gas releases into the booth, inducing a calmness in the occupant. How... As they lose motor function and their brain shuts down, they are in a state of heightened bliss. How out of touch would the person who worked on this have to be with not like specifically Amazon workers,

but just work in general? Like any, as though any manual or physical labor job in human history would be at all bettered or ameliorated by a fucking blue booth in the middle of your job site that you could go sit in and watch mindfulness tutorials. Guided meditation. Oh, does your back feel like it's gonna fucking break cause you're loading dildos and sex dolls into cardboard boxes

all day why don't you come in here and get scolded uh get scolded by a soft British voice yeah

who made more than you did today producing this fucking video and you can't even play solitaire and you can't even play solitaire on it

or look at pornography couldn't you just get him a cooler, a beer and a nice outdoor patio to relax, take a load off just hire more guys not a fucking booth stop running articles in the newspaper that you also own about how much money

the stock market, like anything at Amazon I get to do what I love. Who the fuck? According to Amazon, the Zen booths... Here we go. I get to do what I love. What, loading boxes onto a conveyor belt?

She's a... I think this is the woman that created it. She's a psychopath. She enjoys inflicting harm. I get to do what I love. Torture the underclass with my maniacal inventions. According to Amazon, the Zen booth is the brainchild of employee Lela Brown. Originally, knives would come out at random intervals because I really wanted to hurt people,

but we decided this was much better. The workplace health and safety program manager for Amazon. At Amazon, I get to do what I love. Every day, I get to use my knowledge and skill set to work with creative people to create something great for Amazon. At Amazon, I get to do what I love. Every day, I get to use my knowledge and skill set to work with creative people to create something great for employees.

Oh, nailed it. Fucking nailed it. There you go. I'm working on a wristband that jabs you with needles every time you start to feel sleepy.

So, our employees can work for 16 hours at a time. We introduced calming collars that people, they're metal collars that you put on and they tie you. They're linked to your workstation

so you don't have to get all confused about where you're going. And if you get too far away, it starts to vibrate and heat up so you know you've done something wrong. And it will explode if you leave the premises, which serves as an excellent reminder to the other employees

to stay at their designated workstation. Let's see. American Airlines investigating a pilot who opposes his school district's critical race theory plan.

Well, I can't trust that man to fly a plane. Of course not. You got a problem with the way your school is teaching your children? Well, that's no kind of pilot that we want to have at American Airlines. That really determines your ability to keep that thing in the air. Oh, what a disaster.

You might be thinking racist thoughts and get so distracted that you slam it into a mountain. You might be thinking about the amount of anti-racism that's on the rise might upset you. That's true. While you're flying. That's what this is. Maybe the least racist pilots are the worst ones because they're too busy thinking about, you know. Yeah. The struggle.

All right. Did I have. We can just do voicemails. Did I have any. Did anyone want to call in? I know. I forgot his name. Isaac wanted to call in, but like usual, people say they want to call in and they don't show up.

Y'all tell pal DP my old ass tweaker hippie neighbor won't use weed killer on her weeds. Instead, she sprays them with vinegar. She swears by it, even though it hasn't been fucking working. It smelled like vinegar outside for a month because she treats her yard every morning

and afternoon. You know what they do in this neighborhood? They use their washing, their clothes washing machine. Yeah. To put in the yard. Wait, they put their clothes washing machine outside? No, they just pipe the water out there. Oh.

Save the water. Okay. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Is that helpful? I mean, instead of what flushing it down a tube

how much water how much are we saving here guys do we need did you need the flowers the environment man yeah anyway alright everybody

go vote at the problems patreon.com slash the dick show Vito where can they go to find you patreon.com slash the Vito show okay

see you next Tuesday I don't know if Sean is coming back next Tuesday or next week or not. I guess we'll find out. We might have to do a third, boys. I don't know. Let's do voicemails. I'll find out.

Presenting Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick.

Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Dick. Hey, Sean. I'm a couple weeks behind I'm just getting to the part of one of these episodes where this alpha

incel is calling in and I'm listening to him and like this guy can't even interact in a positive way with women to try to fuck them and he thinks he's gonna survive and thrive in some post-apocalyptic

nightmare and go on a ramp a killing rampage this guy can't even talk to a chick and he thinks he's gonna fucking kill a guy yeah he's right he is retarded he's not just a little autistic he's fucking autistic if there was a poster child For modern day Asperger's This fucking retard would be it Wow Geez That's all I got Was there an incel claiming he was gonna

Take over He was like really pissed off A lot of people who want a doomsday world Are not suited for a doomsday world Yeah but they want it And they think that their skills would be really Would serve them well in a doomsday world are not suited for a doomsday world. Yeah, but they want it and they think that their skills would be really,

would serve them well in a doomsday world. Yeah. I don't think really that they would. No. Like brooding, I mean,

pretty much just engineers would survive, psychopaths and engineers. It would be a lot like today's world. Yeah. That's who would, that's who would success and would excel.

Whoever's got the most healthy kids and you train them to kill. Yeah. I always thought that was the best survival strategy. Oh, yeah. You have like 10 kids.

All those guys who get like 10 kids and doomsday preppers with a bunker. I'm like, well, if anything goes down, I mean, they're going to win. You get 10 feral wolf children storming your house to take all your shit.

What are you going to do? I don't understand the doomsday. People are like, just, I mean, how do you, what's your plan here? You're just camping? Yeah, well, yeah, it's going to be an extended fun camping thing, except, you know, they have a bunch of guns, so they're going to murder anybody who gets near them. Okay.

And eat their 10,000 jars of canned beans they have in a shelter. The only thing you need to prep is just a mountain of cocaine. Yeah. Because whoever, if you can stay up, the less you sleep in a doomsday world, the more dangerous you are.

Right? If I can stay up for seven days straight, I own LA. Just get on a fucking sick ass one and do damage. What's your doomsday plan? I'm going to wait

until I feel sleepy at night and I'm going to do a shit load of cocaine. And then that's when the murdering begins. That night. You've seen

that Jim Baker guy, the televangelist who sells his rapture buckets full of perishable foods? No. He's one of those guys who was like a scammer back in the day. He went to jail for taking everybody's money, and now he's back doing the exact same thing. I don't understand why Christians just fall for it all over again.

But his big grift is he does the show, and he goes, listen, the rapture's coming. When it happens, I mean, some of you guys are going to be stuck here. So you're going to eat this bucket of cornmeal. They're selling it. You know, it's like dry foods, but he sells it for like three times, whatever it normally costs. Didn't Tim Pool sell that shit?

They're selling doomsday prepper buckets and whatever else. Probably, man. There he was. Yeah, survivalist stuff. He's like, look at this cheesy potato rice. You and your family gonna be eating good when God's ripping people off

the earth, flinging them into the sky. There's some people in the... There's some people in the Discord I saw talking about like silver, buying solid silver, because it will, in a doomsday scenario... What? What are you gonna do with silver? Make arrowheads?

No, that's the... I think it's gonna be like a currency. That's gonna be where you trade. I don't know What are you going to do with silver? Make arrowheads? No, I think it's going to be like a currency. That's going to be where you trade. I don't know. Where are you going? Why don't you just get a bunch of beads? Maybe, you know, toilet paper. We're going to go back to, yeah. Toilet paper is going to be the currency. By the way, I wish every year,

I think we should start this tradition. Every year, on whatever day the lockdown was declared, everyone go buy all the toilet paper. Like this is like an annual, like Christmas, except like pandemic miss. And you have to wear a mask to the store. You wear a mask to the store and buy all the toilet paper.

Don't worry about how much it costs because you're going to use it all eventually. Buy, just buy like, pretend like, remember it was like day one of the we gotta go buy toilet paper and everybody goes out because number one it's fun it's fun to have traditions you know then we get illusion of permanence

whatever it's our own tradition we don't have to celebrate Christmas like our fucking boomer parents forced us to do and still force us to do it's our own tradition and number three there will always be some guy who forgot that it was pandemic. Toilet paper day? Toilet paper day.

And he forgot to go out. And he'll go to the store and go, oh, fuck. Fucking toilet paper day. You know why I won't. Fucking dick in his toilet paper day. God damn it. I knew it. I had it in my calendar.

I forgot again. Now I have to use a magazine. You know how that guy can avoid that rage? How? Get a bidet. I'm with use a magazine. You know how that guy can avoid that rage? How? Get a bidet. I'm with you on that. They're fantastic. I don't want another guy using my bidet, though.

I don't want you using my bidet. It's using fresh water every time. I don't care. I don't like that it... You don't like that the jet of water touched my butthole? Yeah. It doesn't go back down to the... But it's like Theseus' axe.

Whose axe is it? Theseus' ship. Yeah, the ship of Theseus. Whose axe is it? I don't remember. The axe. Somebody made it an axe metaphor. Somebody ripped off the Theseus' ship and made it an axe.

Oh, okay. Like, if you replace all the pieces of his ship, is it still his ship? Yes. Because metaphysically, the concept of his ship still exists even though it's all been replaced piece by piece and the replacing of the pieces is part of its story. I feel like the bidet

penetrates your asshole metaphysically. I don't want to share that with you. Okay. You're saying I'm leaving a little bit of myself behind. Metaphysically. Metaphysically. Yeah.

You're going to feel my ghost connected through the timeline. Yeah. Yeah. It's not Gimli's axe. They're saying it's Gimli's axe. Let me play another one. That needs to be like a doomsday camp. I'm sure.

There's probably something like that. Like we get them all. You can trick a guy and it's like cut his, do an EMP in his house. The problem is you train your kids too well. They send child protective services at you. I mean, you should be training your kids stealth assassinations. Really? How to raid a bunker.

Yeah. I mean, these are important skills. That's true. Yeah. Hey, Dick, I got a problem for you. Okay. Shitting in bathroom stalls as a tall man. Specifically, the wiping aspect of it.

Ah! Exactly! I'm a guy who stands up when he wipes. Are you kidding me? Perfect. You know, it's the superior way to do it. It's normal. Stands to wipe.

I'm tired of pretending like it's not. You sit down, wipe? Yeah. If I'm out and using, if I'm not using my toilet. Yeah. You stand up to wipe? Yeah. Do you stand up to wipe if you're at home?

No. Not if you're out? I never stand up to wipe. Your ass cheeks go back together if you stand up. You kind of maneuver it, though. The whole point of the sitting is that it's spreading your butt cheeks apart. I never wanted to have this debate. So you stand to one.

Yeah. I go in from the underneath. From the left. You sit there and go back to front while you're sitting down on the toilet? Yeah. No, not back to front. Front to back. You sit...

How? What are you talking about? How do you get in there? I'm sitting on the toilet. I have toilet paper in my hand. Okay. I go under my... I've tried it.

I couldn't figure it out. I go under my butt cheek. Okay. I believe the... I don't know. I mean, I don't... Again, I'm not a toilet paper guy. I think you may be right.

What do you mean you're not... You gotta use toilet paper after a bidet, though. Just like a little, like, a dab. Well, hopefully. I don't, again, I'm not a toilet paper guy. I think you may be right. What do you mean you're not? You got to use toilet paper after every day though. Just like a little, like a dab. Well, honestly, I don't even, ideally.

Yeah. I go under, you go under, I can go wrong down there though. You go under the butt cheek and then you wipe it. Why do you stand? What do you mean?

I don't know. Do you stand up like fully erect? And then do you erect? And then do you erect? No. Flaccid, normal. I'm not aroused by it. Oh, well.

And then do you sit back down at any point? I don't know how fully erect. Mostly erect. All right. But then I just, I don't know. How do you get it all out? How do you fucking get it all out of you sitting there? Aren't you kind of standing up to get in there

anyway? Well, you gotta put a foot on the sink to get better leverage. You put a foot on the sink? No, I don't put a foot on the sink. I lean slightly to the side. Is this another metric system issue? I'm raising one buttock off the seat. Okay, so that's standing already.

It's not standing because I'm still in a stance that widens. Okay. If you're standing up, your butt cheeks are pressed together. How are you getting anything in there? Your butt cheeks are not pressed together if you're standing up. You're taking. Things are relaxed.

The filth has exited your butt. You got to get in there a little bit. And by standing up, you're pressing the filth. You're moving it all around. This is insanity stand up to wipe. Is this another over the waistband thing? I don't want to ask you. I don't want to rope you into this conversation.

It might be over the waistband. Johnny, do you stand to wipe? You have to. You have to. What do you mean you have to? What are you doing? I have no idea what you guys are talking about. Have you tried it our way?

Because I've tried it your way. I couldn't figure out. I'm like, what do I do? Do I hand off here? I make it work. But regardless, I have the bidet. Are you sure? It makes everything better.

Just get a bidet. That's the answer. All right. And they should have them in all the stores. All the stores should have them. Do they not? It's only online? Yeah, no store has a bidet.

Man, you can't buy shit anymore. The only thing you can buy in america anymore at the store is like 50 different brands of peanuts right anything else anything else it's all well you oh we could ship it to your store would you like that oh yeah i would really i love the i love ship to my store option oh man did the amaz did the amazon lady come up with this hey instead of shipping it to their fucking house, like everywhere else, let's give them the option to ship it to the fucking store so they can have all the fun and enjoyment of getting up,

probably not even that day either. We'll tell them at night when we process all the orders that it has arrived, they can get up the next day, dress up like an old person going to go vote, come into the store and deal with some fucking idiot to get their to get their product out of a weird place amazing amazing waiting behind a lady who's trying to return her open bottle of shampoo yeah if you're trying i tried to get a like a trellis thing for my yard yeah just a bench and a trellis yeah how many how many home goods stores in la home

improvements there's there's like six home depots within a 10 mile radius yes not one of them all you can get you can buy cinder blocks and bags of sand and various weed killer various weed killing things and uh uh and drills and such. It is crazy. I had the same problem with Home Depot. Just trying to find like some hooks for the ceiling. And they're like, yeah, we don't have those. You can ship them to the store.

You can ship them to the store. Yeah, you go on their website. They're right there. You're like, well, why do I even waste my time coming here? Why don't you ship this to the store? That's threatening. When you're in a public stall, you stall you gotta like if you want to do it you gotta do it sitting down which sucks

or you gotta stand up and then like do the weird half bend forward with your knees like the half squat you know this I fucking know this you can like everyone else

and they all see what you're doing like a fucking weirdo. Yeah, then it's like a communal wiping activity like, because you're looking over the top of the stall

while you're wiping. Well, because you know they can see the top of your head. So why don't you just sit? Because I have tried. I don't know.

I don't understand how you're supposed to do it. I really don't. Are you trying to go from the front or the side? What I do is I eat the toilet paper. I pull it out of my ass.

That's good. That's a good... Toilet paper, it is a terrible system. The bidet is just better. Because I know as soon as I know that people can see the top of my head in a bathroom stall, and they know that I'm always thinking there's some fucking idiot in here

who does the sit down wiping and he's judging me as like an F slur like I'm some kind of a lady because I do it standing and I so I hide

I stand up and hunch down so they can't see me and I don't change my stance because then they'll see like well they'll see me pivoting have you ever been abroad and used a public pivoting. Right. Have you ever been abroad

and used a public toilet where it's like, have I ever been abroad? Fuck you. Well, I don't know, but I'm saying like, oh, you mean like overseas? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you think I meant? You're calling me a woman because I'm standing up. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no. What do you call it? Because then it's like, it's like you get,

all the stalls are like little rooms because they don't think you're gonna do Meth in there So you get like Your own little private Bathroom experience But you have to shit in metric

Yeah exactly As it comes out of you I can't do that either As it comes out of you The electronic bidet Measures your fecal matter In centimeters To let you know

Whether you've had A healthy movement America's gotta use Metrics You can convert units You know When you're driving your kilometers to work. And you need to know how many meters.

A standardized system across the board just makes it easier for everyone. All right. Yeah, it's time. How long does it take me to, how far away is the airport? Oh, it's about an hour. There you go. Okay. Do you want metric time? I want to, how far away is the airport? Oh, it's about an hour. There you go. Okay. Do you want metric time?

I want to know how many kilometers. Is the 12 and the 6 not good enough for you on time? Do you want metric, like, do you want 10 hours a day? Yes. You do? Yeah, that would be pretty good. 10 months in the year. 12 is never a good measure.

12 sucks. Oh, yeah. 12 hours, it's so inconvenient. Base 12 sucks oh yeah 12 12 hours it's so inconvenient to have 12 hours in the day alright here we go

hey Sean you know what makes me fucking rage is all these new TVs they don't have any fucking buttons on them so you have to have the remote

to use the TV and my drunk ass cleaned my room and threw away my fucking remote on accident which I you can't even fucking get the right remote anymore.

Like you try to program a new one, it doesn't fucking work. No, those never work. Those programming shits, no, never. All I can do with my TV is plug it into my computer and watch fucking downloaded movies on it. And I can't get to Netflix or anything on it. Because I don't have the fucking remote. And there's no buttons on it. Fucking bullshit. Just go to the store remote and there's no buttons on it. Fucking bullshit.

Just go to the store. You have to buy a new TV, get Amazon to ship it to you, take the remote out and say, this TV is missing a fucking remote. I pulled that move.

I do that every time one of my PlayStation controllers breaks. Just buy a new one, put the broken one in the package. Yeah, this thing's a piece of shit. And it came all dirty.

Fuck them. Well, yeah, because they're just going ship it back to sony and they're gonna fix it and find a way to sell it anyway so i don't i don't feel bad committing crimes against big box stores it's it's no fuck fuck all of them um probably made it cost them five bucks to make the thing anyway i still can't believe the the day I went into Best Buy to get my phone replaced and saw and realized that these people have been working there eight hours a day for a year with wearing face masks on the whole time. It like it broke my brain. Oh, yeah. This is unconscionable to do. How did how did somebody pass that memo along? Like, I have to go tell these people that they need to wear a mask for eight hours a day indefinitely.

No, I can't do that. I have to go tell these people that they need to wear a mask for eight hours a day indefinitely? No. I can't do that. I don't know why there haven't been more workplace shootings as a result of... Yeah. Yeah. Me either. Or like when I go to like a drive-thru and the McDonald's workers are just there suffering next to a grill. They deserve it.

Yeah, well, okay. They gave me unsalted... Man, we went to a beach... Yeah. We went to a beach party last week. Drinking on the beach. Dogs on the beach. A fire.

Someone just dug a pit and had a fire. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought I went back in time to our parents when you could just do normal things like that. We drove home and I said, oh man, I'm going to get like two super-sized fries. I'm going to really pig out today. It's going to be my day. It was all fucked up. It took forever.

The line was long. Get the fries. Here we go, honey. Get on the freeway. I'm going to save it until we get out of all the jumping around. Put those fries in my mouth. Absolutely no salt. Wow.

Oh, my God. How does that even happen? Oh, my God. How do you fuck up the salt so I threw him out the window uh at least you had a fun beach day no it's ruined because the fries I just told you about I didn't work from uh western Australia you know what makes me right middlewits. Middle-wits. People who are just fucking smart enough to think they know something. Oh, yeah. They're too stupid to know what they don't know.

Yeah. They're just, they think they know the totality of all knowledge because they're a little bit smarter than most people. Yeah. And you just want to fucking strangle them until they realize There's no way that they know All the things they think they know Yeah

You ever get those guys who No matter what the topic is They're like oh yeah yeah I know all about that Yeah I know all about that I know the principles Yeah well the principles aren't what Do the job. Yeah, I'm a rocket engineer.

Oh, yeah, I know about rocket engineering. You know that old saying, the details don't really matter. That's the classic saying, of course. The devil is nowhere. The details are not important. That mid-wit chunk, middle-wit chunk, like 115 IQ on either side, whatever chunk that goes to college is the most dangerous, obnoxious chunk. Oh, God.

Oh, my God. You fuel them up with one too many participation ribbons, and you get what is currently America. Well, no matter what happens, we can figure it out together. We're the middlewits. Give us what problems you got. Make sure you list them and we'll get, tell me everything that's a problem and we'll all get together and put our

middlewit power together and figure it out. Yeah, a moron with a college degree is really the most horrible thing. It is. Because it gives them this confidence that they don't deserve nor should they have. It's not even morons. It's people who are smarter than most people, I think.

Yeah. Like 115 is smarter than, I don't know, 60. It's in the top 33% of people, right? Yeah. With the bell curve. Okay. That is fucking dangerous. Because they're still not smart enough to really.

Because they're still not that smart. Yeah. Like they're smarter than most people they're still not that smart. Yeah. Like, they're smarter than most people. That's not... That's not a lot. Yeah. Most of these people believe in witches

and aliens. To be fair, those UFO videos keep coming out. I don't know what it is. What do you mean, what it is? Well, because I don't know

what the UFO videos... I don't know what they're saying. You've seen the weird stuff that's coming out. It's a bunch of garbage. I mean, it could be malfunctions and bullshit. I assume it's, yeah, that sort of stuff. I don't think, I don't know. I hate aliens.

Do you like aliens? For me, it's the kind of thing where I'm like, well, if evidence comes out, cool. But I'm not like going to really think too hard about it. What's evidence though? Like if Biden comes out tomorrow and says, hey, aliens, we talked to the aliens. Yeah, I'd probably accept that. Why? Why would they?

You would think that they would lie about that for some tactical? Assuming that there is aliens, they've been lying about it the whole time. What do you mean? Do I think they would lie? Well, they could come up with something. What would they get out of it? Money. There's other ways to get money.

Aliens are going to lock us down. Aliens need us to lock down because our shit is fucking like a disease for them. Like, you know. They said we cannot join the Galactic Council unless you continue wearing masks for the next 20 years. Yes. They will do that. Yeah. At some point, they will say that they-

And then they'll give us time travel and immortality. Yeah. Okay. You don't, they will say that they... And then they'll give us time travel and immortality. Yeah. Okay. You think that's beyond... Vito, wait a minute. People made up God. What do you mean are they going to make up aliens? God is a thousand times dumber than, well, we talked to aliens today.

The government doesn't use God as much these days. For a long time, it was like... Have you heard of the Republican Party? Yeah, well, they're not in power right now. Trump said, Trump had to say on television that he believed in God.

No fucking way is that true. Well, why would he lie about that? Hi, I'm Donald Trump. Fucking God, guys, right? Just like Jesus, he has sex with, you know, ladies of the night. Alright.

Would they lie about that? Hey, this is the ketchup packet calling back in again. Just need to follow up on the refractory period that you guys were talking about. Do not try it. I mean, this may fit in a little bit with pronoun acceptance, so Dick, you may be on board. The thing they don't tell you about that medicine

is you've got to have something up your ass for it to work. Your cock still goes flaccid after the first orgasm, so the second one kind of has a big asterisk next to it. Just a heads up, in case you wanted to know and try it out. I'd still listen to that podcast if you guys do it.

Have fun with it. Go fuck yourselves. I don't know about that up the ass part wait why would you need something up the ass to get the second one going because that's where your prostate is I mean I assume yeah you just press alien told me yeah but that what just to stimulate the prostate and that gives you what you

need to do I'm confused I don't know maybe that guy's tried it I don't know where he's getting this research let's see here hey dick hey sean here's a race i've always had sneakers people shoe people so like hit the gold mine and investing oh god if i spend three hundred dollars i can make two hundred dollars on is hold a bunch of fucking shoes for years. I was in my fucking town meeting up with my friend. And we just like fucking like cut the line and just jumped in.

And all I see were our fucking ass mats. That like, I don't know, that we got to go in before that. And then even when it came out, we were like, yeah, those shoes are fucking gay, dude. Those shoes are worth a lot of money. Dude, if you're going gonna spend hundreds of dollars for a fucking shoe you're never gonna fucking wear that by the way it's probably gonna more than anything depreciate in

value what the fuck is your point of your stupid investment other than just flexing that you're a big gay retard anyways go fuck yourself I like this man's energy you know any shoe people? Well, that's what I was saying last week is that the Pokemon guys,

I was saying, just go, you know, do it with something like shoes at least is a little more. There's just so much inventory. A little less pathetic, but yeah, the thing is,

do you think the shoe manufacturers haven't caught on and are now going to release a new limited edition shoe every week until like the market is so super saturated that no one's going to care about your limited edition, every week until like the market is so super saturated that no one's going to care about your limited edition you know kobe bryant took a dump on these

you know dunks before he died i'm so glad my dad is a stockbroker so i never have to actual stock accidentally fall into like shoes what's up hey i just go to the shoe store every week and tuesday morning fucking wait for the new to be To be fair, I have a quite valuable video game collection myself. I know, but it seems like an albatross around you. You've got a whole, all that fucking inventory. Yeah, I know. Gotta liquidate that shit.

Let's see here. Hey, Dick. Here's what makes me rage. Women and their nightmare scenarios that they keep on fucking creating. So I was seeing on social media like I guess. What do you mean?

Some woman like they do this all the time where they you know screenshot and share you know their tender conversations. Oh of course. Well this one was just literally a guy say you know like I guess some bumble thing saying hey i want to get to know you before anything and i don't mind taking my time and so she messaged him

and they're just talking and he just is like oh you know i realized that we're pretty close that's pretty cool and he just sends like kind of like just like a smiling you know kind of emoji and she's like oh you're you're being so forward and you know i didn't realize you're being so forward and being so sexual and then he unmatched her and people are like yeah yeah see she was right it's like no you know like the motherfucker was trying to talk to you and you're already like jumping and he's like you know what i'm not gonna deal with this shit and yet all these comments are all these women with these nightmare scenarios saying like oh you see him leaving is him admitting that he knew that he was gonna it was like trying to you know mess around with her it's not her that crossed the line it's not her that made him uncomfortable it's the other way around

when guys do this it's just like oh my god you know like what the fuck is up with women doing these like huge ass nightmare scenarios of like everything reading into like every little situation. Oh, did he put it on his phone? He puts it on his phone because he doesn't want you to look at it. You know, that's true. He's talking to other children.

Sorry. Other women and shit. Then it's just like, what the fuck is going on? Like why, why did he do it? I would get him. I thought he was going to be like, what the fuck is going on? Like, why, why did he do that? All right, all right, I would get him, yeah.

I thought he was gonna be like, you know how the women always have, they do like their own 9-11 version of like, guys they almost maybe could have dated in the right circumstance

where they're like, I matched with him on Bumble, well actually it was his cousin, but then he later went and like shot up his workplace. So like, we were almost married,

basically. Or the girls who need these elaborate, like, oh, I'm going to go talk to a guy and I'll give you a signal to come save me. Come up with an excuse. Like they're on a sitcom. And they do these. They share those weird little memes of like,

if you're at a bar, you can order these special drinks. The angel shot. The angel shot. Tell the bartender who's a fucking CIA agent, you know, these examples, tell him you want this and then he'll call the police. But if you tell him you want a red angel shot, that means he'll call Child Protective Services. But if you tell him that you don't want ice, he will fuck that up. So I don't know how, he will fuck that up. So,

I don't know how this angel shot thing is going to happen. Yeah, I just see a bartender going, we don't have that. We don't have that. Excuse me, sir. Oh, you mean that

rape thing on the internet? Sir, are you going to rape her? See, he's not going to rape you. There's no problem. Nah, he says he's good.

That guy's in here all the time. He's good. I'm going to go call the cops on a guy. Because you ordered a shot. You idiot. And they share it all day. Just want to make sure.

Hey, ladies. I guarantee no one's ever used that thing. Has that ever been a thing that someone said, I need an angel shot? No way. No way in hell. Just leave the bar. Just like no woman. What's happening?

Has ever punched a man with her keys, her house keys. No woman has ever put her keys like Wolverine and hit a guy. Never happened. I don't think it's ever happened to a man, actually. Okay. Yo, Dick. So I've been listening to your show for a few years

and there's things that I disagree with and there's things that I agree with. What do you disagree with? What the fuck? One thing that you always talk about that you've been super consistent on that I just think is props to this

is sticking it to these stupid no-fappers and the anti-porn people. Yeah, fuck them. The thing with this is that, remember five years ago, we were all complaining about getting banned and Twitter being like, oh, YouTube radicalizes people.

It doesn't radicalize people. The thing that I hate most about this now is that I'm starting to realize maybe YouTube does radicalize people. Of course it does. I'm not saying if you're NoFap, you're radicalized or you're totally radical, dude. But NoFap is the stupidest fucking thing ever. I mean, if you go three or four days without jerking off, it's fine.

Because when you do end up, you know, busting a nut, it's like, yeah, that's pretty good. But is it worth it? It's not worth it, man. That's pretty good. That's my common response. It doesn't work the same way. Okay, that's all I'm going to say. This is dumb. This is fucking

dumb. You can coom four times a day if you want, which is weird, but whatever. I mean, it's not weird. Do whatever you want. It's called being hungover. In America it is. It doesn't make any sense that it's like, oh, you lose your minerals. You lose your fucking minerals.

This is fucked up. This is dumb. It's called up. This is dumb. Yeah, it's called Dr. Strangelove. That motherfucker. It gets caught in between the window and the screen. It's normal. It's fucking normal. If it wasn't normal, our hands wouldn't

be able to reach down to grab our cocks. Our frontal lobes wouldn't be able to imagine titties. And the anti-porn shit. How much porn are you watching a day? If you're watching eight hours of porn, maybe that's the problem, dude.

That ain't my problem. This is just like going in the KFC. Just get some popcorn chicken and then you get out, you eat in the parking lot and you don't think about it for the rest of the day. Who are these people? Like being straight. With jerking off,

they have to start this, I don't want to bash the Christians. You know what annoys me about this pride? The pulling the sexuality of it is because they're desperately trying to make it an identity. But it's entirely sexual.

Right? Right. Being gay is entirely a an identity. But it's entirely sexual. Right? Right. Being gay is entirely a sexual identity. Everything else is untouched. The identity thing is like, it's become like a whole new... Like, you don't go to gay McDonald's.

You just go to McDonald's. You don't go to gay work. You go to work, and work like normal. That was the whole point. Like, well, they're just like, they're the same as everybody else in all ways, except the dick the butt that's that's it so that's well what's the what's

their festival about then fucking guess yeah but now you will have you know the local queer owned coffee shop or whatever yeah and that's horrible like that's you know and the whole thing's got a rainbow flag on every coffee cup it's a weird schism between the people who are like, it's just who I like to fuck, and the people who go, it's me. It's all that I am. Me fucking is my only identity. That's what the furries,

the furries are doing the same thing. You want to fuck wearing an animal costume, but then you're like, no, I'm actually a wolf. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. You just really enjoy fucking I think you know you're not a wolf. You watch too much Disney afternoon and it fried your fucking brain.

There should be a class action lawsuit of furries against Disney. They did this. They fucking did this. If cigarette companies are getting sued, furry promoting Disney is getting sued uh furry promoting disney's getting sued too okay a couple more what time is it oh my god at 145 did you do kundalini no uh hey dick uh i just wanted to mention about the uh the episode where sean is not here but i'm i'm disappointed in

johnny and veto and you that the entire time Mr. Steep and her attention was on the show talking about Kundalini that not a single one of you made the joke that he's talking about the Kundalini. I think we did that though. I thought that was where the name came from.

I'm not paying you $5. No, Kundalini. I think I said Kundalini. You know, on the daily. Is Coom Delaney an actual word? Coom is. Is Coom Delaney an actual word? K-U-N Delaney is a word.

C-O-O-M is the joke. Oh, I thought that this was like a thing that the NoFap people had made up to just be like, Oh, yeah, it's my Coom Delaney or whatever. Some magic cum spirit that lives inside me. No. Oh. Well, now I learned something. I didn't make the joke because I didn't realize there was a joke to be made.

I thought it was a self-referential. Yeah, I think you might have said something. Oh, here, Riley called in. Let's see this. Hey, Dick, it's me, Riley, the busier. Dick it's me Riley the busier I was just Wondering

Why haven't you plugged any of my content With some golden Bitch Thanks go fuck yourself And Sean I miss you I guess I can plug it I guess Are they YGG studios

I don't know Yig Studios. Yig Studios. The Voyage. Oh, I forgot to wear my Voyage Chasers t-shirt. Next time. Riley could just text me those types of things. He doesn't need to call me in voicemail.

Okay, is that... Maybe one more. Those boys are always chasing those voids. Hey, Dick. What makes me rage is erect brain. I guess it's like a dick measuring contest, but with your brain. People walk around showing

off how erect their brain can get. Like, oh, did you hear? Blah, blah, blah. And someone will throw it back, or maybe you're just playing along, entertaining them, entertaining their thought process, going, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I've heard through the grapevine what you're talking about. I can infer where you're going with this because I'm a man who kind of gets around and hears a multitude of things. And then they come back with, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look at how smart I am. I bet you didn't think of it this way or this way or this way or this way or this way. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.

No one cares how smart anyone is. Does anyone actually care about how smart anyone is? No. Like, I don't want to hear anyone brag to me about how much they know about a specific program, which is shit that Maddox loves to do, by the way, picking apart a minutia of stuff and bragging about how much you know trivially about a trivial fucking bullshit thing

that doesn't matter. Like what? Need some examples. He has been very... It's very impressive. You're a very impressive person. You got to give me some examples. I know all DLC that was ever released for a shitty MMO game.

Oh, I see. And I know, I don't know. Minutia. Minutia. I really tried to wing it and did not come prepared with examples. Well, because he's talking about somebody, but he doesn't want to say who it is he's talking about someone somebody said something specific to him try dating a teacher or having a mom who is a teacher if you want to really get your fucking brain fried over someone showing off the minutiae of things that they understand. Well, actually, that's a... That's a sibling,

is there? Well, that's sort of... That's a... It's a th sound that they're messing up on. The predicated noun comes after the substandard noun.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Why did I do this to myself? Did you see they got rid of the teacher literacy test in New York? Oh, really?

Yeah. So now teachers don't have to be literate. I don't want to guess why because I'm sure that's... Well... Can't possibly. The reason why I'm guessing

is I'm certain racist for me to assume. There was a certain class of teachers that was having trouble with the test. What is it? New York? I believe it was

New York Public Schools literacy test. Look up literacy test. Yeah, you know, just some people. Tests for teacher literacy ditched in New York State. A reader at Burtston points out, can I get evolutionistrue.com? That's what comes up as the first link for DuckDuckGo. Hit the news.

Classic DuckDuckGo. Classic. Classic. Everybody. Well, you got to swear. Well, Dick, you're using Google. DuckDuckGo Hit the news Classic DuckDuckGo Classic Classic Everybody Well you gotta switch Well Dick you're using Google You're basically supporting The global

The global homo Whatever You gotta switch to DuckDuckGo Sure let me give DuckDuckGo DuckDuckGo a shot Public Public school New York

Literacy Fucking WhyEvolutionIsTrue.com Amazing That's my most Amazing results What happens if you hit the news tab? They have a news tab fucking why evolution is true dot com amazing that's that's my most amazing results what happens if you hit the news tab they have a news tab wow they just do not it doesn't have it at all duck duck go is not that good god i hate duck duck go new york public literacy new york school Literacy, New York School Literacy Test. There it is.

Oh, it was the Regents one. Regents, you know what? Fucking ironically, DuckDuckGo had it right away. Although now it's New York Times. God damn it. God damn it. Here, Sean taught me this, this period thing before it gets rid of it. The Board of Regents on Monday.

Well, I guess it doesn't work anymore amazing well i'm so i really want to learn the whole story and see what's happening below the fold but i don't have that fucking option of doing it thanks a lot i can't even read it oh well let's get this white boy story anyway. Yeah, because here, I actually took the practice test. Let me see. The NYSTCE literacy test. I don't know why I can't find the news article about it, though.

It's been erased. Okay, here we go. No, wait, that's from 2017. Classic veto in his right wing. Fake news. I mean, I kind of... Classic Vito. Where did I read this, though?

Why is it hiding now? Worst take yet. What was the worst take? No, Zoo, it's not Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of Fortune goes... Wheel of Fortune... No, that's Jeopardy. How does Wheel of Fortune go? Wheel of Fortune. No, that's Jeopardy. Yeah.

How does Wheel of Fortune go? Wheel of Fortune goes... I don't know Wheel of Fortune. It's nice. I was about to do that. That's Tonight Show. Yeah, it's got to be Tonight Show. All right.

I was thinking Price is Right. Okay, we're done. That's Vito's... I remember reading this shit that was just driving me nuts alright bye everybody Johnny do you want to plug anything? okay nope goodbye goodbye