The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 222

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

Whoa! Now that was exciting! Now that was an exciting countdown. Boom! Are you fucking retarded? Boom! What the fuck was that? That was exciting! That was exciting. That was the stupidest fucking thing I've ever said. Why did you do that? What did you think that would add? You know when the show's coming, boom, no surprises. No, you can gear up to launch. That's not... that's not a solution of the fucking problem. The problem was... was that the countdown goes to nothing. The solution is not to add a second countdown.

You gotta have a second counter. That's like a countdown before the show. And then the show starts and the show is a countdown to when the hosts come out. And that's when the party starts. No, what do you not get about this? It's not. The problem was that the countdown just cuts straight to us

with no noise or anything. You just added another countdown. Yes, exactly. the same problem. The first one is when the show starts, and the second counter is when the hosts come out, to greet you. Don't you get it?

Don't you get it? Say something, I have to check the levels. You know what I love? My favorite thing is, you know, like, when you cook something in the microwave? Yeah. My favorite thing is when the timer gets down to zero, and then it goes back up to 30 seconds,

you know, because there's always got to be another 30 seconds to go. It does, though, because you have to wait for the food to cool down. countdown. That does happen though. The double countdown is my favorite part. When the microwave's done, then you bring the food out and you're like I got to blow on it for like 10 seconds.

So that's the second, that's the secondary countdown. Like the guy's like, ladies and gentlemen, start your engines and then they go three, two, one, that's two countdowns. How would you fix it? I love it that horse race where the guy blows the gun and then the horse has got to wait 30

seconds for him to blow the gun a second time. Or they're disqualified. Or they're disqualified. Yeah, at the Olympics. How would you fix it then? How would you fix it then? Smart ass? You got, okay, when the countdown ends, it needs to fade over to us.

But the music is all fucked up. The music is all fucked up. It won't be fun. Welcome! And it won't say, Robin the others. Okay, no, no, here's why you're stupid. Okay, listen.

Listen to me. I'm listening. No, you can't listen while you're dancing. I've talked to dancing people. Think about how much, think about the energy that it would lead into. You're not listening because you're dancing. If after the count, down it came in and there was music that's what happens that of oh I I was trying to do that

but I couldn't override the music of the counter I wanted music to go over the counter and then the counter to go away and the music to keep going is that what you're saying yeah okay I don't have I don't have a video that does that I can't meet the video so I can't do it so give me a video that has a sound on it. I'll do it. So you would just have to, when it switches over, you need a button

that just starts playing another little song that slowly fades out. But I need another counter. I need another counter so we know... No, you don't need another counter. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. We don't need a third counter. Yes, you do. We don't need two counters. You don't need a third.

You don't know when I'm going to stop the... You don't know when I'm going to stop the first counter, though. You don't know. So I have to signal that I'm ready to go with a second counter. And then it will slowly fade into the show. It's the biggest problem in the universe.

We need that. We need maybe another counter. Guess what I'm bringing next week. If everybody in the audience could just send in your best counters, have them run for random intervals.

The amount of time doesn't matter. You know, every episode will be like, oh, I wonder how long the The third counter will be this time. Last episode, it was a minute 23. No, you don't know how many counters there's going to be, Vito. Might be shorter. You've talked yourself into a world of pain now.

It might be an hour and a half of counters. We put 10, people already don't like the five minute counter. All right? They already don't like that. First of all, that counter's too long. It should be two minutes. No, I need five minutes to get ready. I need five minutes.

If you need five minutes to get ready, show up five minutes. I can't. I have a lot of responsibilities. I can't show up any earlier than 6.05 or 6.10. You can't possibly show up 5 minutes earlier. Do your prep. No. I have fucking conference calls

that run up until 6x. I don't have time to get ready for this. Then we'll push the show to 630 and then you'll have plenty of time. I can't. I got a baby sleeping in the next room. I can't make these switches that you're proposing. You're telling me there's a specific time. You can only ever.

do the show at 6 o'clock. You couldn't. I would do it earlier because it doesn't fuck with the kids' sleep, but 6 is a good time for everybody. I cannot push it later and be loud up until like 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock. It's a nightmare. Pushing it to 6.30,

is going to destroy the kids' life. Yes. Yes, it will. Another 30 minutes is a lot. And pushing it earlier to 5.30 would destroy your conference calls. I can't. I can't. Right. So you need a specific 5 minute

you need a specific five-minute countdown timer. That's the perfect amount of time to do everything. You can possibly show up five minutes earlier. I literally cannot do five minutes earlier. I cannot show up here more than the second I show up. And the call, I come straight here. That's exactly what happens. I hear you. I punched it into Grock.

I'm like, hey, give me stats for this. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Okay, let's go. Well, I don't want to impose upon you. I want to allow you. It's already an imposition. Did you see the here the frantic way?

I'm typing shit into Grock. I'm glad you got Grock to help you out. I mean, I don't know where this show would be. I'm helping Grock out. I mean, that's not even helping me. It's doing all the work. Well, you know, I don't want to impose. I know you need that five-minute timer.

I got it. That's fair. No. It's a lot. It's a lot. I'm going to have so many timers. We don't need more timers. I don't think the audience wants more timers.

Let's see. I don't think it's helpful. Why don't you play the, why don't you play the traditional time? Why don't we do the intro song should be in time? Give us a timer. I don't even know how long this goes for. Biggest. Time man.

And call me Mr. Time. Universe. They call me Mr. Time. The biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. You only show the ranks every problem in the universe. from reading too much into bored billionaires' eating choices to restore Britain having far better right-wing voices.

Okay, that sounds pretty good. By smelling unfortunate. I'm your host, Dick Mason, A.K. A.K., the Time man. Mr. Time. Mr. Time, Mr. Countdown, that's what they call me. And my co-host, Vito Giswoldy. Mr. Time Master, Time, Time Lord, Dick Masterson. The Countdown. That's what they call me. The Time Lord.

I want to show up wearing a wist. wizard hat with a big, a bunch of clocks on your robe. You go, I'm time lord, Dick Masterson, and I determine the timer. No, it's got to be the countdown, because then people are like, countdown to what? Like, it's, that's such an annoying nickname. That would, yeah, countdown king, that's a good villain name. They call me the countdown.

You know? The countdown. And you never know how long the countdown will be. That's the most infuriating part of the countdown. 47, 46. No! He's cutting down! I don't even know what he's counting down.

He's always doing this. How's the sound? Is the sound okay? We have a bonus episode. If you don't like this stuff, go listen to the bonus episode at patreon.com slash biggest problem. I really phoned it in on the bonus episode,

but Vito did a great job. Vito had a lot of funny stuff. What do you mean? You phoned it in? You had some problems. I saved it at the end with crutches. That was a good one. That was a good one.

But what about crutches? That's the real secret. You guys are going to have to listen to find out. You guys are going to have to download. You're going to have to pony up six bucks, six of your worthless dollars, and... The only thing keeping the show alive. Get the bonus episode. That's that beautiful six dollars.

Yeah. Speaking of Epstein stuff, what do you do when you think you made a new friend? And then, like, three days after hanging out, they go, Mac, can you believe all these rich people are eating all these babies? And you go, ah. Fuck. And you go, I don't really think they're doing that. He goes, no, no, no.

I saw online that they're doing it. And I go, yeah, but where did you see it online? And he goes, you know, just everybody's talking about it. They're all eating babies. And I'm like, all right. All right. Well, this guy's my old. This guy is not a, yeah.

Why would you eat a baby? Why, of all the things to eat, would you eat a baby? You know, doing my show as long as I've been doing it and interviewing of such a specific a subset of people. I've learned that I got to start ending the interview at like 47 minutes

because they're going to say something really crazy that will invalidate everything that came before. They'll invalidate all their previous good stuff that they contributed to the show. Yeah, I get that.

I got a real spiny sense of that when I start hearing like, I don't know what it is in the voice, but I say here and I go, uh-oh, here comes something crazy that's got nothing to do with what we're talking about. Uh-oh.

And then they go, Hey, by the way, I wanted to talk about how the Jews beamed ideas into my head. That's real. That's real. I'm just saying, look, if anybody's reading, you ever, you watch those videos on YouTube where they catch pedophiles or whatever, you know? And it's like all the, all the cop footage or whatever. I was watching one today for some reason, you know, where they go to the wife and they go,

yeah, your husband was a, and the worst part is the cops are like, about being a pedophile? No, no, no, no, no. the dad was like being accused of pedophilia. And I got the feeling from the cop like this woman is like sobbing and crying. And I got the feeling the cop was like really like like, yeah, you know, uh, you know, what can you do? But man, he was really raping the shit out of those kids. I'm like, are you doing shtick right now?

Like, are you like, I really try to fucking, this woman's having the worst day of her life. And he's like, well, you know, I don't want to say that he's definitely a kid dittler. But, you know, uh, uh, The point I was trying to make, though, is you never watch one of those videos. What do you ain't exactly teaching the year? Oh. Yeah, not exactly. They never have one of those videos where the cop goes, by the way, we also found videos on his cell phone of him eating babies, you know?

Oh, yeah. If anybody was eating babies, that we would have some, like, some cases of guys who ate babies. It wouldn't just be rich guys eating babies. There would be at least one middle-class guy eating a baby. There's been big guys eating babies. Gotta be. There's been who eating babies? Guys, guys gotta, well, maybe not.

I don't know. When have you ever heard of anybody eating a baby? Ever. You don't have one known, there would be one guy who go, oh yeah, Big Tommy the baby eater. They caught him in 73. It's usually the guys that are eating people are eating people they've had sex with, which is gross.

Yeah, gay guys want to eat each other, and that I understand. Like that's, I understand why that's sexual and hot. A guy goes, oh, I don't eat me. That's so, oh, my God. You know, but eating them. baby, there's nothing there. Yeah. Cutting off a gay guy's penis and eating in front of him.

I understand the sexual mutilation fetish aspect. That tracks. But eating a baby, no, there's nothing there. Okay. That's enough. Is that your new stand-up routine? I'm dead serious. Why do you think I'm doing a bit? I get why gay guys

eating babies. Yeah. I get why gay guy, like bug chasers. You get it. You would never do it. it, but you get it. What do you get about that? You know, oh man, what if I had AIDS? That would be like so embarrassing, you know? And everybody would call me everyone would call me an Epsilon and then I'd

die slowly in a hospital bed. I mean, I understand how that could be. Everyone know, even the doctors would know I'm gay. Yeah, and then I had a wiener where a poop is. When I see it sunk to head jog and flate like a balloon, on some level, I understand why someone would enjoy that. What? Why? Somebody didn't inflate like maybe in your fucking game where you're not getting home chaos signals.

Did you watch fucking Willy Wonka? Yeah. I didn't get that at all. Yeah. And then that. Okay. You're in front of all the kids. You go,

I'm just going to eat this piece of candy. And then all of a sudden you start inflating like a blueberry. And all the kids like you go, look at this fucking blueberry. What a dumb blueberry. You go, oh, God, the shame of being a blueberry. And then you come in your pants. Like, I get it. I'm not into it, but I get it.

What do you get about that? it's the shame and a lot of fetishistic people you know it's based on it's humiliation it's degradation you know that's all what that's what how's that humiliating is I think it would be rather humiliating to turn to a blueberry

atrocity it's like okay if I went if I went to the mall right now covered in blue paint walk around like this people would point people would stare and I'd get a big boner I get it Yeah.

And they call the cops. I understand it. I'm not saying I'm into it. Like the Blue Man Group? What would you're a group? Blue Man Group? Well, now the Blue Man Group made it cool. That's the problem.

You can't get off on it if everyone goes, oh, look at those cool blue guys. You're playing trash cans with your wiener. Playing, yeah, well, there you go. Then everyone sees your penis. You're embarrassed at school, you know. You show up naked to school and you go, why did I forget to put on clothes?

Oh, my God. This is not having anything. to do with problems. Dan B says it's okay, guys. Only 221 episodes in. Still time to figure out the intro. Well, we figured it out. This is missing countess.

Yeah, we figured out. Five count downs. David Lull says, I almost forgot about that, too. I got to write that down. Countdown. Somebody remind me next week. The new bit of promising a bonus episode,

then not delivering is hilarious. Keep it up, boys, from David Loll. Piece of shit. We did deliver it. We did happen. Fuck you. Though, honestly, we should do the next one in like two weeks, because we're off now.

The sound engine says Vito looks like a depressed owl monster who's been created and raised by a depressed scientist. What kind of monster? An owl. Like a bird. I can see that.

I do this with my head a lot. Uh-huh. Gobble bomb says Dick hasn't been able to figure out windshield wipers yet, apparently. The first setting can usually be fine-tuned by twisting part of the lever. The settings beyond that are typically for more serious conditions.

No, basically the first one is too slow. Second one is way, way, way too fast, and the rest of them are worthless. The rest of them are just like... I don't have a car with an adjustable speed on it. That must be a new fucking thing. You don't? Well, I mean, I can go fast or slow.

There's people saying they can, like, tune in whatever they fucking want. No way. I got two speeds. They're full of shit. I got two speeds. J.S. Penny says your car should have a dial on the wiper level. It doesn't. Mike, well it does, but they're all too fast.

Mike Kessie says discontinued energy drinks are actually relatable. I used to like Rockstar killer Black Cherry because the taste reminded me of when I moved into my first apartment. Taking a sip always brought me back to when I had nothing but a mattress on the floor and a TV that was held up by a stack of comic books and a PS2.

It's a weirdly humbling experience when the flavor reminds you of your past struggles. I'm 36 now. I own a house. It's been a decade since Rockstar continued that flavor. I'd like to sit in my house and sip one and remember time when I had nothing. Vito just inspired me to search online and pay extra for a pack. I'm nice.

Well, thankfully, I don't need a drink to remind myself of when I had nothing. So that's not anything. I get to just live that every day. So that's not the exact same problem. Is there a drink you can drink that will make you feel like you had something? Is there a drink that makes you think of success? Yeah, that would be good. I'll tell you what.

I got to try all the new ones. I got prime strawberry lemonade. and it's dog shit I'll tell you that right now well you gotta get like a drink that has staying power dude you're setting yourself up for heartbreak with this e-celebrity prime shit you need Gatorade

Gatorade is a name It's never gonna go anywhere Gatorade I know okay well I like Mountain Dew Amp but that has like a million fucking calories I gotta find one of the ones that only has like 10 calories Fucking betray you though Mountain Dew can't sell shit all the time

Code Red I'm shocked Yeah I mean honestly I'm shocked that Mountain Dew Amp has lasted as long as it has. It always feels like it's on the cusp of being discontinued. I don't know who's keeping it alive. It's good, though. Dick talking about raping aliens was so funny. Yeah, it wouldn't be funny for them.

Bananam, the rip-averse on Joe Rogan article was written by AI. Even Eric's bootlickers couldn't be bothered to put in even half effort. It's me. Yoshio says the alien's problem was stupid. It was the end of the interview. He was just throwing some low-ball fun questions. That's why he quipped, yeah. Okay, well, fucking correcting the hacker.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry on the comedy podcast. Oh, wait, I forgot to do the winners from last week. Windshell wiper speeds. Fuck, that's why these comments aren't making any sense. Getting outclassed, shitty shoutouts, petto food codes, and no one cares about aliens. Wow, you got blown out. You did bad.

Yes. Well, I mean, our audience has bad taste and problems. Peto food codes is basically negative. No one cares about aliens is way negative. I know. I don't know if you're skipping over all the comments or go, I don't know why Vito's not taking the codes seriously. Oh, really? Nobody says brand cereal unless you're trying to rape 50 fucking, uh, fucking midgets or whatever the fuck.

You're like, all right, sure. I wish that everyone would concentrate on like the political espionage and, um, I'm trying to think of a way to say this that won't get all my accounts banned. like in group conspiring the conspiring the political conspiring and that stuff all the retarded beef jerky shit

is distracting from that which is way way worse Well if you gave me a list of foods and it said like beef jerky equals massad I'd go well no this is plausible That's true Yeah you know

That's probably true If you're like orange juice means You know Jewish supremacy I'd go Oh okay now the code's all fucking line up. And so you guys keep going,

it's this kind of kid, it's this kind of kid, it's just kind of kid. I'm like, I don't think they need 18 different words for which kid they want to fuck. Yeah.

I think they would just come up with, you know, one or two. Isaac Tuba says, I miss the gold monster so fucking much. All right. There you go. I will say somebody has offered

to send me a case of energy drinks. I don't know if, uh, they're going, this one's going to change your life. And I'm like, yeah, but how do you,

like everyone's got different tastes. I don't know. We'll see. Are you going to take them up on it? Yeah, I think they already sent it. If anybody has any suggestions for energy drinks, let me know. Oh, give me a fuck. Okay, is it time for problems?

I believe so. This is my problem. Look at this fucking piece of shit here. I got to share this. Okay, yeah. Okay, this fucking guy. Hey, hey, hey, what are we doing? What are you talking about it?

Piece of shit. Watch this. Look, look at all this. Punch the Monkey hearts falling over all over my screen. That's a little much. That's a little much. And you could like it. Reply to the animation. You could like it. This stupid

Punch the Monkey, little cock sucking piece of shit monkey. I'm so sick of this guy. Oh my God. What is your problem? He should... What is Punch the Monkey? Somebody should jump in there and punt that.

My problem is lonely monkeys. Lonely monkeys. Okay. I hate this. I hate this little asshole. I hate his story. I hate his little weird freak. A stuffed animal he's carrying around.

I hate all the updates about Punch the Monkey. I hate it. It's the biggest problem in the universe. Lonely monkeys. And that's a double, that's like a double problem name. Because it's this monkey right here, but it's really referring to us humans as lonely monkeys for indulging in this sad.

Sappy, Saccoon. Oh, it's a clever title. We're the lonely monkeys. We're the lonely monkeys, if you know. It's the Twilight Zone kind of title. Because it's like, imagine a world where lonely monkeys are looking at a lonely monkey all day. I'm so sick of it. The anthropomorphization of these filthy, disgusting animals carrying around this garbage.

Okay, so Punch the Monkeys an adorable baby monkey in a Japanese zoo who's attempting to integrate himself. into this monkey community. These other piece of shit. And as adorable and precocious as this is, again, his mother abandoned him, so they gave him a stuffed monkey who he loves and he carries around with him. It's an adorable little

little story about the tenacity of the... His enclosure's too nice. It's all cement, but it needs to be... I would fund a Kickstarter where they've removed even the fixtures. Like, they just made it a box shape of cement for these... stupid monkeys for this one especially.

Wait, why do you, do you, just not like monkeys? What are you talking about? I love monkeys to do. But I hate this human interest story of Punch the Monkey with his stuffed animal that he carries up. Stuffed animal. Yeah. And you hate it because it's, um, I don't know.

I resented. Do you hate that, do you hate that people are enjoying something in life? They're going, oh, look, this is a interesting little story. They're making them. They're making them, miserable and neurotic and crazy. I don't think anyone's miserable about the monkey. I think you're miserable about the monkey stories are like, this monkey is water

skiing or this monkey learned how to play an accordion. Like, wow, it's always like this monkey is like sickly and sadly holding a stuffed animal and the other monkeys are beating them up and people are just bleeding all of, bleeding about it and tweeting themselves stupid.

They're crying for the monkey. Bleeding like sheep. Like bah. What? Stupid. Okay, look. I think... Shut the fuck up.

Look, this monkey is trying to integrate himself into this monkey community. He's a little baby monkey. He's trying to figure it out. It's an interesting... From an anthra-zoological fucking perspective. You go, that's interesting. Monkey behavior. What's interesting about it?

He wants to have a monkey family. Not interesting. Well, because I want the monkey to have a family. Why would be a monkey? I don't want the monkey to have a family. Fuck that monkey. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want anyone else to care about it.

Did you watch Lion King and when fucking King Mufasa gets trampled by the wildebe, she goes to shit the fucking animal. I played the video game. I didn't watch the movie. It's about the same. You ever watch it? This is where you go. There's a movie?

I thought that was a video game. I thought it was just a video game. I thought it was a video game. I didn't know there was a movie. The king has returned. Do they say that in the movie too? They said it in the game when you use it continue. you. It's, uh, look, I saw the video, little, little baby punch monkey walking around and then

another, another monkey gets bad and starts swinging the fucker around. And everyone's going, that's the correct response. That's me when I see a tweet about Punch the monkey, I go, ah, ah, like, get away from me. I find it's interesting, look, it's inter, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, uh, it's that mere cat manner shit, which I, I don't, you know, or like March of the penguins. It's like, it's interesting the story of animals. Fucking lonely penguins I bought in a bunch of these stupid Lonely monkey stories

Penguins Who's there's like Talking about gay penguins Penguins Penguin walking off into the wilderness Being insane All this penguins are doing That penguin thing came up recently

That's interesting I never saw that movie What is that from? It's like Who's that guy that talks funny? It's like a Werner Herzog document Werner Herzog Yeah

Weiner Hot Dog Yeah And then Weiner Hot Dog goes, we saw the penguin walking. And the penguin walks off and the distance even though it's going to die, you know, because there's nothing over there. And he goes, have you ever heard of a penguin with insanity? And the woman's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I got to say, like, Werner Herzog movies are like interesting in the way that like half of them are interesting. And the other half, you just pretend are interesting.

Like that one where he goes to the cave and he goes, look at all their things in the cave. The magic is the cave. That's a horrible way of her. I'm talking about. It's very bad, but whatever. He talks like, he's like, look at all the things in the cave. In the cave. Has there ever been a more insane cave than this?

This one sucks. Yeah, I want the one where the guy gets eaten by a bear, not the one where you're going to a cave and look at fucking drawings. This cave holds all manner of shadows, which makes me think, do shadows even exist outside of the mind? Bullshit, just stupid bullshit. But then everyone. pretends the cave ones as good as the one where he talks to like murderers and shit.

I go obviously the one where he talks to the murderers is way more interesting. You know what honestly? I used to like, I used to pretend to like Werner Herzog in his movies and I would even pretend to myself. I'd sit there and enjoy him and rewatch them. But now that I'm thinking about it, when he, when he watched Grizzly Man and told that woman not to

ever send in... Not to let us see a guy get ripped apart by a bear? That was such a fucking dick move on his part. Do you remember when he did that in Grizzly Man? Dude, he should have put that shit on LiveLeak. I absolutely want to see that fucking weirdo and his girlfriend get torn apart by a bear. Your camera's fucked up.

Your camera's not going. The climax of the movie is a weirdo getting torn apart by a bear. I want to see it. And he like, he totally could have made that woman do it. He could have talked her into it. Oh, she was emotionally manipulated. He could use his soothing German voice and be like, you must give me the footage.

But he said, don't ever show this to anybody. And don't even you listen to it. I was like, you fuck, you cocks, you cock blocker. You total, you selfish prick. He's a real piece of shit for that. That's one of those, you know, what that problem is. That problem is movies that don't stick the landing, okay? Because the climax of that movie should have been the credits

with yakety sax playing over, and the credits are over the video of the guy getting ripped apart by the bear. You're going, but the credits are just scrolling down. You're watching Grizzly Man. It's perfect. but he shouldn't have said he should have said

you should post this on the internet a little bit later yeah okay but in the same way I want to watch a guy ripped apart by a bear

I want to watch a sad monkey figure out how to find a family I think that is as compelling drama uh I'm also enjoying the memes

because it's in Japan so they're drawing the monkey and they got one of the zookeepers they've given a name they go That's his favorite zookeeper, but he's a dark, mysterious figure, you know, and they draw him as like an anime hero. I don't know. I like all I like me.

I like the meme culture around all this shit. It's stupid. It's stupid. It's some of this gay monkey with the stuffed animal. Hey, man, I need a distraction. Well, we need distractions. I need new distractions. What else is going on?

Somebody should go in there and take his monkey and tear it apart right in front of him. Take his stuffed animal. I'd rather watch. I'd rather watch. No, don't rip apart his monkey. I will say this. I hate that it has turned. into a

marketing vehicle for IKEA. You know, that's an IKEA monkey. It's like watching the birth of an ad. Watching all his stupid. Oh,

they were definitely going to get some IQ. Well, they already did. They made some ads. Like, the new IKEA catalog has that fucking

stuff monkey on the front of it going, we helped punch, have a monkey and you can buy a monkey at the IKEA. And I go, I don't commercialize it.

I can't wait to see this is a Super Bowl coming out and ripping some kids penis off or something. Wow. I mean, uh, well, this is, okay, here's the real problem is, uh, can we get the Tourette's guy on the monkey, please.

Zoo stunts. This has always been the thing for zoos. Okay. Is that zoo attendance is not great. It's always like zoos are always struggling. So they always got to like find some fucking, yeah, no, zoos suck. Zuzes go out of business all the fucking time. What do you mean all the time?

The only ones that endure like really big city zoos or whatever, but this is like actually a smaller fucking little zoo. That's why the monkeys are just living in a concrete shit hole. They're like, ah, we don't have time to make trees or whatever the fuck. So a lot of these like smaller shitty Asian zoos will just get some baby animal.

Remember that fucking hippo? Remember Moodang? The little baby hippo. Yeah. Fuck that little fuck that little fucker. That I get. Okay. The baby animal zoo exploitation cycle that as soon as punch grows up and becomes a regular monkey, we're going to be done with that

fucker. He's still going to be carrying that stuff thing around. We're going to go, I don't want to see an adult monkey carry that little stuff thing around. Fuck you. It's like a man with the toys. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't know anything about that. Or like, what was the panda? Wasn't there like a little baby panda and they couldn't get it to fucking eat? Because pandas

are retarded? There was Nutt, the polar bear cub, rejected by his mother at the Berlin Zoo. There was a solo penguin, lonely zoo penguins. Penguins that lose their mate and they get separated from the group Mudang

Oh wait I guess I don't have that one The Panda sorry I thought you didn't well I wasn't there a panda I don't remember I think it's in fucking China or something Pornography site Which one's that The Panda

I don't know actually X Hentai I think yeah one of the anime ones Yeah one of the EHentai Well you're not logged in It just shows you a sad panda Yeah you gotta log in though Everyone knows that

Well, I mean, if you're going to get access to the Dogen, if you want to watch your favorite anime characters, fucking, you got to log in. You got to log in. Okay. That's my problem. Baby animals. Lonely monkeys. Lonely monkeys. What's your problem?

All right, Dick, here's my problem. I recently had my chest cut open. Look at this. It's behind. Oh. That's a manly scar. Gross. Who stitched that up? Ray Charles?

I did every... Yeah, it was a blind guy. He was a blind guy in there? Huh. I mean, once he showed up, I was like, well, he's overcome so much. I'm not going to tell him he can't do surgery. What are you going to do that? And our bonus episode is about disabilities.

So... Bonus episode is a good one. Call that. It was a good one. Yeah, it was a good. People are saying it looks infected. It does look bad. Oh, really?

I don't know what it's supposed to look like. It doesn't look like a nice, like, suture, like a surgical scar. That looks like you got it in a night fight. Well, here's the problem is I got this big hole and they sewed it up. And then, you know, it starts scabbing over as it's supposed to, right? Yeah. And then I go, man, I don't know what it is, but there's just something about touching this fucking thing that feels good and like picking at it and fucking with it and touching it. Okay.

And then they go online and they're like, yeah, don't touch it. don't pick at it. I go, I want it. I won't touch it. I won't pick at it. I'll just be like in bed, like hanging out. I go, I kind of want to touch that fucking thing again. And I started touching it and picking it and scraping it or whatever. And my problem is, the urge to touch yourself. It's indescribable. It's indescribable. There's something about, okay, have you ever picked it a scab when you got a scab and you go, I know I shouldn't touch it. You don't pick it. You don't pick it. You don't pick it. your scabs ever? And you go, ah, just a little bit.

Not for fun. I'll just fuck a little bit. I don't think so. Not for fun. I mean, I have scabs all over right now. I don't pick it then. Dude, anytime, anytime I get like a scab, I'm like, ah, man, I just want to rip that fucker off. How much fun would that be? Okay, or like pimple popping. You ever get

like a pimple? And they go, okay, you just got to let it go away on its own. You're not supposed to twist it or pop it. There you go, but you're not supposed to, like, deal with it. You don't want a big, like, white pimple on your face. You gotta get it out of there and let it heal. Yeah, but if you pop the fucker, like, it'll leave a scar. You're supposed to, like, wait for it

to go away normally or something. Nah, that's stupid. Just pop it. I heard that too, but I don't believe it. Well, there you go. There you go. It's the urge to touch yourself. You go, shit, there's this weird thing on my skin that has all these nerve endings and fucking, it feels weird when I touch it. I know I should

stop touching it, but I just want to touch the fucking thing. I don't know. I can't stop touching the fucking thing. You do that with a surgical wound, though? Yeah, I keep touching the fucking thing. It feels good. Why, you put a bandage on it or something?

Because that's like, it's like, you know, what do you, I don't know. That just, that just teases it. That's like, adds more stimulation. Well, so you can't touch it. Like a big bandage. Yeah, I know. I can't touch it. You're not supposed to touch it. Like, I'll touch it if it itaches, but not

compulsively. I've been touching this fucking thing for two weeks. With what? I'm like, I'm like, my hands with like a little devices, you know? I was like going online, trying to see if there's like a little, I can open it back up so it lasts longer or something. Okay. Now, look. Do you pull your hair out and eat it? Is that something you do? I don't pull out my hair. Okay, you ever get like sunburned skin and the skin's like peeling, peeling off? Yeah, not a long time. Oh, oh, I just want to peel. I want to peel that

skin right off, baby. You know, that's fucking weird. When you were a kid, did you ever take Elmer's glue and pour it all over your hands and wait for it to dry and then rip the Elmer's school? Yeah, you do remember kids doing that. I was one of those kids.

I was like, I was in school. I'd be like, is that Elmer's glue? And I'd be like, yeah, I go, can I get me some of that? And they go, why? I go, don't worry about it. It's nothing. And I'd rub it all over my hands. I'd wait. for it to dry. Are you in the closet going like this? They're like, are you jacking off in there?

Wait, you put Elmer's glue on your hands and then you can peel it? You can, it will dry on your hand and then you can like peel off like fucking strips of Elmer's glue. Dude, you should get a tattoo. I bet you would love that feeling. Oh, like just the actual process of getting the tattoo? Yeah, I bet you would love that feeling. I got a tattoo and it does that it, it is addicting. Like, I know that feeling is very addictive.

That's interesting. I bet you would like it. Huh. You should get like a... Is that why guys get a shit ton of tattoos? It's like it actually feels fucking good to them. Yeah, because it's like a prolonged like a little bit of like pain. Whatever that is, that feeling is like euphoric.

Yeah. Yeah. You should try it. Dude, like, aren't there guys you get like, uh... You know, obviously I'm not cutting myself or whatever. Like that's the fucking extreme version of it. Yeah, you're ripping your wounds open. It's way worse and dumber.

Well, maybe I do want to cut myself. Now when I think about it, now I go, Shit, is that what people are doing? Maybe you should just structure your apartment so it's like Indiana Jones and you like, you can't. I'm just going to keep walking in here. Spikes everywhere. If I happen to cut myself on a spike, then. Now look, I looked it up.

I said, why do I want to touch this fucking thing so bad? And it says that while your skin is healing, it's full of regenerating nerve endings. Okay. Inflammatory chemicals and increased blood flow. It's like I basically have a little boner on my chest. right now. It's like it's got all the same shit. It's all nerve endings and blood flow and whatever else.

I'm like, oh, oh. It's not sexual though. Do you put on like the cure while you're doing this? I kind of think I should. Yeah, I think I need Robert Smith to low me into fucking pentagram. I'm going to take some fucking poppers and just lie there and just rub my

scars. All I know is I got to get, I think, a different cable for it or something. Probably bad cable. It's probably bad cable. Probably bad USB cable, which is another problem I have,

is that I can never find a USB cable that works. All I know is... My son was grabbing his balls before, during those bath. And my wife's like, oh my God, he won't take his hand off his balls. Yeah, you know, babies, their hands kind of go all over,

and every once in a while, they'll find his balls and go like, wah, wah, and grab him. My wife goes, oh, my God, why is he grabbing his balls like that? Is that something that guys do? And I'm like, yeah. That's, yes.

What he's doing is that'll continue. It's normal guy stuff. There's going to be a lot of, I can tell you that. There's going to be a lot of ball grabbing. It's going to be a lot of that. That kind of urge to touch yourself, I get, but not this like weird. Well, that's, okay. That's the thing, man.

Look, when you scratch niche, nobody gives you any problems, right? You know, sometimes you got to scratch niche. I mean, feels good. Yeah. It feels good to scratch a niche. Mitch. Yeah. And now I got a giant fucking itchy, scratchy fucking, ah! You're gonna get it

infected, dude. Let's see it again. I think it is it is not looking great. That shit is infected. That is infected. No, no, it's good. No, it's supposed to be like purple and fucked up, I think. No, it's you can smell it from here. It looks infected. Here, hold on, hold on. Let's see if it, uh, we've got a close up.

That is infected as shit. No, it's not. Look at that dark. Look at the darkness spreading from it. from the top. That's just, no, that's just like a, it's just like a wound or whatever. That's like a, doesn't it? It looks like a mouth with two little eyes and a nose in the middle. You see the nose? No, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Do you see the nose though in the middle? Everything's fine. I see the no, I see the, hello, how are you? That'd be cool. I'm going to have a, I'm going to have a quado pretty soon. They should actually

give you the option to style your scar after you have surgery. You should be able to request like a shape. Yeah. You should be like, can't you pull it into like a fun smile or something? Does it have to be a straight line? Like they send in a black doctor who's like does a fade, right? He's like, I got you fan. Yeah, exactly. I get it nice and tight.

I get this scar nice and tight. I want to look good. I want to look good. High tight. All I know is the desire to touch yourself. It's a real problem in more ways than one. And now I want to pour Elmer's glue all over the fucking thing. I had even thought about that. Dude, if I poured

Elmer's glue all over this and I was just ripping it off, I bet that would feel awesome. I have a one gallon jug of Elmer's glue upstairs. That's just been sitting next to my desk for like months, nine months. You ever hear the story about the guy who would rent hotel rooms? It was like, ah, can I just rent this hotel room?

I love staying in hotels. And then after he left the hotel, they would go in and he would coat every surface in Vaseline and just slide around his hotel room for like, for like three days. And the cleaning staff was like, we have no way to clean this at all. There's no,

he literally discovered everything. It just kind of goes away. Nobody, it would still remain like sleek. Like, you got to get it out somehow. And I'm like, dude,

that guy probably had the best three days of his life just sliding around his hotel room. I assume jacking off everywhere. I assume it was a sexual thing. So, you know, and that's going to be me with the Elmer's clue. All right. Here's my problem. It's another presentation, I'm afraid.

Oops. There we go. I got no problem with that. That's called this. Wait, is this a pre-order, a reservation, or a solicitation? This is a solicitation. Oh, I'm being solicitated. This is a rip-a-verse solicitation, I think.

I just wanted to make sure I'm being solicitated. Horseman 3. the release of the solicitations have begun and a solicitation period will end on on June 8th and it comes out July 8th I guess Oh it's a reservation cutoff Okay reservation cut off So you can reserve you can pre-order

You can reserve a pre-order of a solicitation That will be released And get 5% off apparently On July 8th I don't know when it ships There's no information on when it ships But it's releasing on July 8th Okay That's fine

You know, another dog, another dog shit comic from the Riververse. Another day, another dog. Another dog. Another dog shit. Now, here's you can get these cool, you can get these cool covers. You got to have all of them. I love covers. I love covers, baby.

Me too. There's the horseman fighting a guy, fighting a goblin. Here's the horseman looking like Captain America, rip off. Here's the horse man. Here's the horseman with a pump shotgun. Looks kind of crappy on that one now. I didn't realize the horseman had a little fucking, like, horse mohawk? Yeah.

That's not a good look. I thought he just had, like, kind of like a BDSM mask. And ears. He's got the mohawk and ears. Well, should have had one or the other. Yeah, the ears are a bit much. Now, here's the one that I really drew me in. I was going to pass on this comic, but then I saw this cover veto.

I don't know who made it, but. I'm trying to make sense. sense of it. So that's Horseman with a shooting a gun. This is Horseman. Here, let me blow it up. So, let me blow it up so you can see it. Look at this cover, right? It looks action-packed, right?

Wow. And then... Yeah, I'm kind of confused. Wait a minute. I just wanted to see what this comic is. The cover looked cool. I just wanted to know what the name of the comic was. Oh, come on. I just wanted to know what the name

of this comic was so I could... Tell my parents to pick it up for me or tell my grandma to get it for my birthday. And it's, oh, the name of the comic is the seaman? The seaman. The seaman. This guy is the seaman? Huh. Wait a minute.

This wasn't, is this a different comic? Okay, no, it's horseman, but then why on this comic, why is it called, why is he the semen in this one? Why is he a seaman? Is this guy the seaman? See, and then I noticed, oh, wait a minute. Right. There's letters behind this guy that's flying for some reason. It's been covered up.

For some reason, the person who drew it drew a man in front of the logo and the title. So it doesn't say horse man. It says, the semen. You know, it doesn't know. You know, You go to, sometimes you go to the Barnes & Noble. You go, I need a good comic, and you're just looking on the shelf and you go, huh, the seaman.

The seaman. Honey, I got you a bunch of new issues of that comic you were reading earlier. The seaman? The seaman? Mom, I'm not reading the semen. Stop. Stop telling my friends I'm reading the semen. Oh, my, my, uh, he's been reading comics lately.

He's been reading the semen. He's been reading that same issue for two weeks. Mom, it's not the semen. I'm not reading the semen. That's, uh, that's some design one of the, I blew it up here so we could wait where is it oh yeah there so there it is right there the seaman yeah the semen now I call this problem rookie mistakes I call this problem uh graphic design is my well I guess it's not graphic design it's a just design is my passion see you can just put shit

anywhere it doesn't matter there's that doesn't need to read the name of a comic you can just say the seaman because they're in the me and who gives a shit the seaman Okay, the worst part is, like, you could just, if you just shrunk the guy a little bit, you would see there's like an E right before the, the, uh, or an R, you know? And then you would go, oh, that's clearly another word. Instead, it's almost as if the artist deliberately was like, no, to see that's cool. He did do it deliberately. Like, Michael, like, you know, Michelangelo painting himself in the Sistine Chapel,

his skin all ripped off to protest. The church. I mean, it's like a digital art. You can just show. shrink the guy a little bit. Move him down. You know, move him down here. That's clearly an art.

Move him down under the logo. Right here. Put his wiener down here. Push him a little bit to the left. I mean, I understand the composition. Pointing that way. Do something. Get rid of them.

Wait, but who's the retarded guy in the bottom right? What the fuck is that face? Oh, he's being like, he's got a bullet through his head. He just got a bunch of seamen in them. So he's like, uh, I'm going to throw up. Ugh. It also kind of seems like, got to buy the semen. You got to buy the seaman.

You got to fork over the big book. You got to solicitate the semen. What is the plot of the semen? What's happening in the semen issue three? I can only imagine what happened in the semen one and two. Valdez and Brian Hershowitz are in an argument. Yeah, whatever the fuck their names are. About the age of consent in the libertarian Texas.

And that's when they send the seam. Right now there's a, there's a. gay bookstore that ordered a bunch of magazines for their patrons. We're very upset. We'd like 9,000 copies of the Seaman, please. We'd like 9,000 copies of the Seaman, and they're going to show up and they're going to go, oh my God, this is too gay.

This is too gay even for us. A guy in a horse costume? My God. And his name is Seaman. Seaman. I thought we were Epslers. Woo. Does the horseman do that?

Does he Winnie when he kills guys? Yeah, he winnie's like. Wilbur? Definitely would be good. Okay, honestly, if you're in a warehouse, you're like, all right, let's do this drug deal. And then from above you here, you go, what the fuck was that? Is there a horse in here? Are you looking around?

It's not the seaman. It's the horseman. It's the horseman. I'm here to punish you. We all love the semen. We're big fans of the semen. Big fans of the seaman. This is issue one.

It's called the comics name is the seaman number, the seaman number three. Seaman number three. Isn't that amazing? He hangs out with a white flash or whatever the fuck that, uh, blue, whatever, he hangs out with all the guys. Oh, yellow flash is talking shit.

Do you see that? Yellow flash is talking shit to EVS for some reason? I don't know. I don't even know. Or both of us, behind a block. To you? To me? Yeah, good for him.

He says our numbers are, he says, let me find it. Oh, he says our numbers are bad? Yeah, it's, um, he realizes, like, the first time around when he was trying to sell his comic, because he thought he was, like, a real writer and a creator, he was playing, like, the, I'm a professional, so I'm, like, above it. And.

But now he wants to get in the mud? Now he wants to roll around. Now he wants to get in the mud because he's doing a second one. So he's like, I'm going to show these guys how to do it. But he's like, you know, he's like a cop husband. Does that mean we, does that mean we need to review? whatever the fuck that gay comic was he made I don't know

I'm so sick of like I like Eric's comics I know you're sick of comics I don't know why yellow I haven't thought about yellow flash at all what the fuck's yellow flash talking about me I gotta know because now he's now he's like got all this he's blue balled from the first time around

and humiliated from his comic doing shitty so now he's like it's like really weird that like like I go yeah yellow flash that was like a stupid fucking feud for like two years ago and he's still he's still he says i make over five figures a month doing youtube he said wow have you ever heard someone say i make over five figures have you ever heard anyone say that no you're saying you make five well people say six figures

it's six figure salary right you don't say you don't say x a month you just say i make six figures a year yeah you don't say five figures a month i make over five figures a month I make over five figures a month. How much was dinner? $120,000. Three figures. I don't know if you've ever had a dinner. That's three figures, but...

Dude, okay, like, here's the worst... Everybody, we're only spending two figures on Christmas presents this year, okay? So... Dude, YouTube guys are fucking brain-rodded, man. Because literally the only things they can think about is, I got more views. Yeah. I got more dollars. Yeah.

I got more views. I got more dollars. And you're like, yeah, what's your views? What's your dollars? Yeah. What's your views? What's your dollars, dude? Do you have dollars?

What's your views? What your dollars, man? And then you go, yeah, but like you had to spend all day. It's funny. I had like a screen, I found a screenshot in a folder recently because I remember being like, man, this guy's retarded. I can't wait for him to be wrong. But they don't care if they're wrong.

It was like a video he made where it's like, Guardians of the Galaxy 3 is going to be a financial disaster for Disney. They're going to lose anything. And James Gunn. is a fucking whatever. I'm like, yeah, a movie did good. I think it was, I think, actually, Gardens and Galaxy 3 was like one of the few movies to like, I think, make close

to a billion that year. And you're like, you don't know anything, man. You just say everything's going to fucking fail. And then you go, I made more dollars and more views and more dollars and more views. It's ten figures. You know, it made ten figures. That's how

that's how you have to refer to it. Because it's gauche to say an exact dollar amount. You like to you want to make people's minds wonder. What do you mean by over five figures? Does he make infinity money every month? Wow. Does he make a million dollars a month?

Whoa. Can I, okay. This guy is bragging about his dollars and his money. Can I show you a thing that he shouldn't be drafted? Wait, wait, wait. Let me show you where he's talking shit. Oh, wait, I don't think I have it. I don't know.

Somebody linked to me. They're all talking about us. Why would you be talking about us? I don't think about this fucker at all. There. Okay. Yellow Flash, you have had, you've been on YouTube, what, like eight years? You have had eight years to figure out that in Photoshop, you can change the fucking leading of an apostrophe to put it in the correct position. An apostrophe does not go in the middle. It goes up at the top, aligned with the T.

Okay? It's on all these fucking videos. His thumbnails are fine. His thumbnails are not fine. They're fucking terrible. You know what? I'll say this about the quartering. At least he's got thumb. Yeah, good for him. Yellow flashes shit. Hey, at least he's got thumbtales. At least he's got thumbnails. At least somebody's got thumbnails. He's got them talking shit about us.

Huge chud win. The truth is out. It's that bad. It's so over. Somebody link me in the Discord. Why don't you at least find a font that like fits the space and doesn't get up against the edge of the fucking thumbnail? It's bleeding into the white on the page. Here's my man.

Here's my man. Okay. Uh. Okay. here's some talking shit I'm glad he's making money yikes yellow flash says

I think if I figured out what the real biggest problem is and then he linked to us and it's oh our super chat totals is what he's crying about our super chat totals because we're not getting enough super chats

200 offers all right flash hey remember when you spent like 200,000 dollars to make a comic that made like half of that you know that was cool he makes over

five figures and we're barely breaking three figures remember when you gave Eric July half the money from your comic book because you thought you're like

hello you sell it and you're like sorry honey you gotta go work overtime because I gave my token friend

half of the money for my comic book yeah I mean I got to pick up all that money you made at least you gave half of it to Eric

that was very nice of you go write some parking tickets all right Right. Rookie mistakes. You got to get the super chats up because that's the only respect.

Yellow Flash hates it. Yeah. Ooh. I can't engage with these YouTube guys. Like it's literally... They're fucked, man. That's what... Dude, yeah, it's really fucking weird.

I mean, that's like fucking Aaron Mholt and his fucking YouTube goal or whatever, you know? You ever watch his show. Guys, we got to make the goal. We got to make the goal. We got to make the goal. And I'm like, all right, man. This is fucking weird. Just begging for super tips, begging for super chats.

Go, guys, just ten more dollars and will have made it. And you're like, Aaron, whatever. We got to get to four figures. We got to get to four figures. All right, your turn. There's something weirdly performative about all the begging and the posturing about YouTube money. It's not performative enough. They should be performing more.

When you go to a channel, it should tell you how much money that channel made in ad revenue that month. Yeah. So that you can judge who's really winning YouTube. That's the most important fucking thing. All right, here's my problem. Wait, I had two of these. Oh, yeah, here's my problem that I almost did on our bonus episode, the biggest problem in disabilities.

But then Dick wisely said, listen, this is a quagmire that deserves dissection. And I think we should save it for the main show. And this will be a teaser, so, you know, the kind of topics we discussed on the bonus episode. Dick. I'm going to do the same lead-in I did on the bonus episode because it was a good one. Have you ever wanted free money for life? Yeah. Well, have I got a life hack for you?

Yeah. If I got a life hack for you. Five-figure days. There's an exciting opportunity that has opened up. You show up, you fuck around for four years. Everyone's got to call you a hero and you get free money forever for no reason. It's called the, military. My problem is the Veterans Disability Compensation Program, which is the greatest scam

ever perpetrated on the American people and a sickness that will hopefully one day be purged. Now, dude, I was, I've been anti-war my whole life, but after seeing these fuckers on the Caleb Hammer show, I think we need more wars. Because not having war is not going to lessen the amount of people in the military getting paid disability. So let's just kill them. What we need is less body armor. Okay? Because it would be better

if when the other guys shoot our guys die. They die. Okay, well that guy is dead. I don't want him to live. Go back to base and then I got to... Yeah, exactly. Dude, or even do nothing. Like, they're not even getting shot at. They're putting their you know, they're cleaning toilets. And then, oh, I got a fucking toilet related.

I got a toilet strain. I got a toilet strain. It's so fucked. It's shameless. It's shameless. Look, we had World War II. We were talking a little about this. After World War II, a lot of veterans came home. They were all sad and disabled.

Oh, I got shot and I lost my eye and I lost my arm. Okay. And that made sense. You fought the Nazis. You fought, you know, the Japs. We're going to give you a little like some spending cash. We're going to have the veterans affairs, whatever fucking thing. And you can go.

there and get health care and whatever. It made a little bit of sense. Crummy health care. But that's fine. Yeah, not great. Government health care, but whatever. You know, maybe you shot a Nazi or you thought about shooting a Nazi. We'll give you a little something.

Okay. This has somehow turned into a welfare fraud far worse than whatever the welfare queens are perpetrating on America. It's not, but it's annoying. It's not that bad, but it's bad. It is worse. Dude, what do you talk? No, it's not. I don't think so.

Go ahead. I would. I should have brought up this. snap numbers. Okay. The average payment for people on the Veterans Disability Compensation Program is thousands of dollars per veteran annually. Benefits are not income-based. Okay, so here we go. In 2023, the cost of disability programs was $149.4 billion. That represents 43% of the Department of Veteran Affairs budget. Fuck that.

Of all this shit, 43% of the thing where it's like, hey, we got to help veterans get a, you know, go to college or get them jobs. It's just disability. No,

it's just giving them money. Yeah, just free money. Yeah. To a hang out and be disabled. Okay. Estimates, uh,

estimates indicate that 193 billion is spent annually to compensate 6.9 million disabled veterans. Oh, what is that at per person? million. I don't know. You know, somebody run the get a calculator out.

Okay. Now, the base, okay, so here's how this works. You go to the Army, you come back, right? And then you go to your veteran affairs office and you go, I think I'm disabled.

And they go, yeah, you're probably disabled. Let's figure out how disabled you are. Okay? So you can go to them, you go, I got a case of the sadseds. I got PT. TSD, right? Yeah.

And that'll get you to go, all right, we'll give you like a 20% disabled rating. That's pretty good. It goes up by 10% levels. Yeah. Yeah, you are a percentage disabled from 10, 20, 30, all the way up to 100% disabled. Right. Disabled. Okay.

So, the maximum payment, which I found here, is I think the maximum, no, the base monthly payment. Okay, if you have a 100% disability, you get up to $4,300 a month, $4,300 a month for being 100% disabled. Right. And you go, well, that's pretty significant, but there are 100% disabled. Okay. As long as it caps out. You get your head blown off.

At 4,300, whatever. Sure, yeah, you're missing an arm maybe. I don't know. Or like, you're really sad. Who fucking knows? Okay? Or the warm age you eat so much. Now you're 500 pounds?

I don't know. But Dick, did you know you can be more than 100% disabled? I didn't know that, but I didn't know that you could be paid for that. So, in addition to being 100% disabled, veterans with severe disabilities may qualify for special monthly compensation, which are extra tax-free benefits on top of the standard disability compensation. What's the max percentage you can be then? Disabled? No, unlimited? Well, it's 100% plus like multipliers. It's like a fucking combo video game, okay?

It's like, you're at 100 points times 30 because like, you know, we feel really sad about you. Oh, God. Now, here's what's crazy is like if they gave away so much money that they're like, oh, fuck, well, this guy's actually disabled. We need to go over 100% somehow. Let's give them a multiplier. They said, how can we figure out how to give people? It's like fucking overtime for cops. How can we give them more fucking free money?

Yeah. But here's what's really crazy. is, okay, so we have SSI, supplemental security income for like regular disabled people. Yeah. And the maximum you can get as a regular disabled person as an individual is $950 a month. That's the most you can get if you're like regular disabled. Okay. Which is not.

Oh, like a normal person? Yeah, like a normal person who wasn't in the military. Okay. So if you're in the military, you can already get up to four times what a normal person would get. Okay. Okay. But here's the other thing. If you're disabled and getting money from the government and then you go,

well, I want to get a job and earn more money. They go, no, you're on disability. You have to pick and choose. Either you have a job or you're disabled. You can't be both. Right. It's not like a reward for being disabled. It's not a reward. It's supposed to help you.

Yeah, it's not like fun, free money. It's to help you out. Yeah. If you're a veteran. It's not reparations for God. Yeah. Okay. But benefits from the U.S. Department

of Veterans Affairs are not income based. so they get him no matter what. Even if you're employed, working a job, if you got a side business or whatever else, you could be making plenty of money doing whatever running an Etsy shop

or just running your own. And you just go, yeah, but I'm disabled. And the government goes, well, he's disabled. Yeah. They don't look at like if you have other employment or income or whatever. I mean, they might look at it, but it doesn't disqualify. You can go, yeah, I mean, like, you know,

he's 100% disabled, but he's a hard worker. And you'll, well, how the fuck is he 100% disabled if he's fucking working and make a money on the side. The worst part is that like military guys, all they do, like, they're so good at following instructions that all it takes is one of them who knows their way around this system and all of a sudden like a hundred of them are 100% disabled. Like they just go in, they say all the right things. They have no, they obviously have no qualms about, you know, taking the money and why would

they? Yeah. But they're so good at, they're so good at spreading the fraud among. amongst themselves that it's like impossible to stop. So if you have a regular disability rating, even at 100%, you can work full-time, no income cap. And with this plus 100% thing, again, SMC, special monthly compensation, there are reports of veterans who are earning as much as $11,000 a month.

There's five figures. Five figures. They're making five figures a month. Because they were in the military. They came back. I would hope that it's guys who got their fucking legs blown off, but I don't even know. It's no. I don't think it is.

There's no war. Who could be getting their legs blown off? There's nothing. No one's doing anything. Look, and I can see there's guys. I see there's guys in the comments going, well, I was in the army and I have a disability. I'm sure there are guys who have a disability. You shouldn't be on it either.

Get a fucking job. Go fuck yourself. Nobody made you sign up. A hundred and fifty billion in disability. payments. When we're not in war time, it's not like we're at war with the fucking cyberbots and everybody's coming back with fucking techno poisoning

that we got to cure some shit. Okay? Yeah. You went over to Iraq. You got a little sand in your eye and now you need money for the rest of my fucking life. That was 20 fucking years ago. You're in an air condition. I know and they're still getting money. Dude, I'll be real. We had to protect the guys that were raping little boys over there. We got it.

I'm sure maybe a couple bucks for the psychological trauma of that, but a thousand, maybe a nice dinner every month, like of three figures, but not, not this plus 300% disability shit. Here's how I know it's a scam is because Grandpa Giswaldi was in World War II. And man, every time I talk to that guy, he was talking about how much he was milking the veterans fucking building. He's like, yeah, I go over to the VA, you know, I'm check me out. I get a free meal.

Like literally every day he was going over the veterans building to get free shit. That's great. And I was like, and I was like, dude, you've been doing this for like eight. Remember, he served when he was like 16. And he lived to be 100. He spent 80 years going to the veteran affairs building for free meals and fucking health checkups. And I'm like, dude, I don't think you serve in the army for four years and get 80 years of free shit.

I think at a certain point they go, bro, can you just get a job in favor of this yourself? What the fuck? You know, go to the cafeteria, having someone pretend to look at you. That's fine. It's these cock suckers that are like 23 Have never did shit I mean they look softer than me Uh

Pulling down 4,000, 5,000 dollars While they're while they're like Doing their pressure washing business And Exactly they're doing shit Drip or wife You know Well if you watch Caleb Hammer

It's all veterans talking about their disability payments Where they go Well you know I sell Pokemon cards on the side Or whatever else you go That's a business You have a business Why do you need disability payments if you have a you know functioning business yeah well you know I

served and I I right you got to respect my service of course no we don't know you know you didn't do anything well that's another thing okay I think military guys there should be like a color code when you come back from the war that's like how good a job you did yeah we had medals that's what that used to be yeah exactly if you have a metal I go okay well you did something cool but if you come back you got no metals I go, well, you were probably just fucking around. How'd you not get a medal? Everybody got a fucking metal. You just play grab ass. Don't fucking bullshit. Yeah, exactly. There should be certain levels of respect. It's not just like I was in the military. I'm like, yeah, but you might

have been like one of the rapy guys who fucking went off the base and raped a bunch of Japanese women and caused a huge international incident. So hopefully you're not one of those, but I don't fucking know. He ain't got no medals. Yeah. That's, uh, is there, was there a way to fix it? How do we fix it? Who can we vote for? Who can we vote for? You can fix Well, that's kind of the problem is that I think no politician wants to touch it for some reason. They go, uh, Al, we just support our boys in the uniform or whatever else. It's all this support the troops shit. Like, it's so, it's, I, I hate the troops.

I've always said fuck the troops. Like, always. And people like go, oh, like, they can't. People can't even say it. They can't. They, nothing will get them to go like, no, fuck them. Like, we don't need them. never have needed them

it's just like a fun grab-ass time for them and they're rolling in dough they're rolling in dough and connections and tax breaks but people it's like it's impossible to get a normal person to commit to that level of not giving a fuck about it I think well the real problem we got into was like when we came up with the idea of

disability for soldiers like a case of the field bads was not on the list well shell shock was did you get disability Like a little bit, but I don't think he got a big disability For having show shock Yeah, well, those guys came back and they're like

GAA-ha-ha fucking catatonic and shit, you know? Like manic depressive. They're not like, oh, I've been playing video games and I'm overweight, and I'm sad. I was in a tent and I heard about a guy getting bombed like two cities over and I, you know, it sucked. I was in a camp for five years. I had to pilot the drone all day long and I got tired

holding the Xbox controller. My grandpa was in World War II and he never, like he, the VA wouldn't even give him a hearing aid. He did it all. He fucked it up completely. I guess. He didn't get a dollar from them. Did your grandpa kill anybody? No, but he was at a, oh, he told me this story. And my mom said he never, never talked about the war ever. So this is one of the only stories he got. He was at one of the camps when they set it free. And he said the... One of those concentration camps? Yeah, and he said the

juice like got the Nazis and like ripped them ripped them to pieces like killed them with their no he fucking what are you talking about what are you ripped them the pieces they he said yeah he said they descended upon them like like they said upon them like vultures they were like like zombies he was yes yes I was he was he was a real short guy he looked like Popeye he looked exactly like Popeye exactly

like the same stature size and smile same eyes and smile same eyes and a mile and he's telling the story he's like yeah they, you know, he had this way of attack and he's like, yeah, they came out, they were nothing but skin and bones and they got them.

I was like, what about the guards? He goes, oh yeah, they really took care of them. They went in and, you know, started tearing him to pieces and toward the throat and their face. I was like, whoa.

They ripped off his face. Yeah, he said they ripped off their face. I guess you'd be pissed off. It was like World War Z. I was like, wow. World War J, of course. That was a good one. I was like, man,

not very efficient. I just remember, prisoners lying around. Yeah. My grandpa always had this far off looking at his eye because he was on a, he was on a Navy ship, but they never saw combat. And he always goes,

you know, he didn't say it this way, but I could tell him the way he was talking about. He's like, I just really wanted to kill some Japs, but I never got the chance. He was like really disappointed that he didn't get the,

to blow up a bunch of Japanese people. He just hung out on a boat the whole time. He's like, it was, it was fun. I wish we could have killed some fucking Japanese people. Actually, I'm sure he killed some guys because he had a chest of old Nazi shit. I'm like, oh. Now I'm just realizing, oh, you killed those guys. He looted?

Nice. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. Cool. Yeah. My grandpa was stuck on a boat being like, when are the Japanese going to show up? I want to shoot a torpedo at them.

He was in foxhole smoking. Oh, wow. Being cool. anyway. The Pacific Theater. All right, guys. Well, that's some problems right there. Vote on all of them at biggest problem.com. Don't forget check out our new bonus episode at patreon.com

slash biggest problem for more talk of exciting disabilities. We talk about retarded kids and all sorts of parking spaces. You'll find out on the new bonus episode. Don't forget, you know, right now Yellow Flash is watching our numbers closely for some fucking reason.

Because he makes five, figures a month. Because he hosts that retarded show. Okay, let's be clear. His show is retards super chatting him going, ah, you're fucking all that new Marvel shit, you know? And he's got like 10 of his buddies in there all

jerking off on each other. He goes, don't downplay his, don't downplay the accomplishment. That's five figures. That's a lot, man. It's five figures. It's a lot. It's enough. It's enough so your wife doesn't have to work, you know? That's the dream. That's the dream

for a man. Is he a cop or something? So, well, what do you mean? His wife still works? He makes all that money. He's bragging about making money and his wife still has a job? Oh, no. That's not. Oh, no.

Oh, no. That's no good. That's the other thing Flash doesn't understand is like all his money comes from YouTube. And you're like, you know, like other people do other stuff to make money other than YouTube? His wife's not. Is she really working? Is she really a cop? I thought she was a cop.

I thought that was the thing. She's not working, though. You can't be bragging about making money and your wife's got a job. That's right, right? That's accurate, you'd say. Point is, guys, we've got to restore this show to full glory to really stick at the yellow F's sleep. Don't you think so?

If you're bragging about money and your wife's working, what are you, you're not bragging. What are you doing? What's the point? The whole point of making money is the wife stays home and make sure your kids aren't gay. All this time you're spending, making sure other people's kids don't turn gay, your kids are going to be gay because mom's not. home. Yeah, your kid is going to be gay. Because you're not paying for the daycare. You're not paying for the fucking homeschool. I don't even know if Yellow Flash has a kid, but he's dead.

That kid would be gay. One way to brag about not making money is your wife now working. So you're bragging about making money. Is your wife working? Is your wife working? You're killing it, Yellow Flash. Good luck. God bless. Just a question. Your wife shouldn't be working. You're supposed to provide. Joe Legati Jr. Well, he's the man. He's making all that dough, so what's the deal? Joe LaGotti Jr. for five. Shamwow guy, aka. Offer Vince Shlomo, is an Israeli national. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my job at the dixacking factory. Is he actually an Israeli national? Huh. How's he giving all those deals then? I mean, that would explain his excellent comedic timing. The Shamwow commercials were a fucking stroke of genius. So I guess he has to. Some Jew was involved with that.

production at some level. Hmm. Okay. He also made a movie one time, so he's got to be Jewish. A balder for five. Hey, guys, did you know that in terms of male, human, and female Pokemon breeding, Vaporion is the most compatible Pokemon for humans? Really?

I did know that. I did know that. Why did you know that? There's like a post online which breaks it down. It's like a viral. Why wouldn't it be Mutu or celiby or there's weird time ones? No, Gardevore. Not celiby, not the little one, the grown-up woman.

Let me see. So Vaporian is... Not Selleby. I want everybody to know I did not... That wasn't a Freudian slip about Selleby. That was simply a union slip. That was a mistake. I meant the old, the woman-looking Pokemon

that's the same colors as the little child one. I didn't mean the child. I meant the... Viporians are in the field. egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals. They're an average of three feet tall and 63 pounds, large enough to handle human appendage. And their

impressive base stats for HP and access to acid armor means you can be rough with them. Due to their water-based biology, there's a moisture level, and they can learn the moves attract, baby doll eyes, captivate charm, and tail whip.

I don't think this makes them more compatible. Does that mean you can make a baby with one? That's his gay balder stuff. You couldn't make a baby with a vaporion. For 10. Ignore baldery dropped acid in the afternoon. Nice. Stu K for two. Yellow Flash is working out now.

Get ready, Vito. Oh, he's working out now? Oh, no. Is he going to fight his wife? Did you see what the Pokemon people made, though? And you went, well, why are you guys doing this? What did they make? Okay.

Here, let me share my screen. real quick. No, describe it to me. I'm reading these. Baldur for two. Stupid countdown? How dare you, Vito? Captain Boomy's for 20.

Countdown maximalist. Yes, I have to remember to do the countdown bit. Strategy for two. Bro, add a countdown to the countdowns. Peak laughs. Seth Johnson for five. Biggest problem in the universe. Tear here packages that's just rip a corner off.

And you still have to go, you get the fucking scissors. Yeah, that's true. Or were the ones when the just the plastic thing peels off? and it's like, ooh. Charlie H for 10, figure out a way to do the show in person again. Fuck this remote shit, he says. Thanks for the money. Mega Man for two.

The show is severely lacking in counters, by the way. Oh, this is still in the counter stuff. Balder for two, question mark? Chris Onion for two. Chris Onion for two. Whenever super chat center of the field, add a counter. I'm out worth for five. My work took 30 minutes.

No. From the start of the day and put it at the end. Now I can't pick up my kids at daycare. 30 minutes is a lot. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll never suggest that again. Cardinald-Bertion, for two, says two. Koo for two says, thanks for not killing yourselves.

Chris Allen, for two says, wasn't Dick a jerk about Moodang too? Did you talk about that hippo before? Yeah. Deccasugi, Chin-Sugi for two says three. And El-Guniel for two says four. No, guys, you have to super chat the dollar amount that the counter is at. So if you're going to make number four in the counter, you've got to donate four bucks. You went the wrong way.

You're counting up, you're counting up, which is retarded. You got to start at $30. The count down. I'm the count down. The first guy to get it started, it's got to pay. David, too dope for five. Says I'm getting over $8K back on my taxes. Take a little for yourselves. Hey, I got a real quick bonus problem.

It's getting a letter from the state going, you owe us $10,000 of taxes. And you go, well, what about? what about the $10,000 I sent you? And they go, what $10,000? And I go, you should save that for next time. That's a good problem. Now I got to figure out where the fuck that went,

you fuckers. Blowing your blowing problems. Davey 2. Dope for five. Oh, go ahead. Yeah, Johnny Rockin for 10. I heard yellow flash guy eats poop fresh from the butt. Back the maniac at the maniac.

At the maniac.org. Does he? Is that yellow flash guy eats poop right out of the butt? Is that true? You heard it here first. live breaking news Yellow Flash Is that legal?

Straight from the butt That's what Johnny Rock is saying And also I have something to say I once saw that guy inflate like a blueberry And it was the most embarrassing thing

I ever saw Fuck that guy David too dope for five Zos go out of business all the time Because there are free public zoos In every major city Just punch in MLK

Boulevard into Google Maps Justin brought it for two Vote up monkeys Stu K for two. Harambe earned his fame. The rest are pretenders. Antoids for two says Vito got his surgery done at the Mayo Clinic. Stu K for two. Vito, get polysporin before you get an infection. I should rub the ass lean on it. Pota for two ruins Antoid's joke by saying mayonnaise

clinic. It should have been got it done at the mayonnaise. Meionaze Clinic. I think we understood Mayo Clinic. I get the joke already. You don't have to say It's too clever. It's got to be man. Maybe, maybe. Sturtry for two says, imagine resisting the urge to touch your pancreas. John Wayne Gretzky for two.

If you don't stop touching your wound or you'll get sepsis. And the Pope for five says five. Balder for two says six, seven. You're fucking up. It's counting up again. Pop quiz for 20. Thank you. $20 in the jar.

The biggest problem is when your liquor store stops stocking your favorite beers, you have to get some other BS for night. Yeah, that's true. Or they do like this swapping shit and you can never find the good one again. Spider-Eternel for two. What was the surgery for again, Vito? Being gay? Yes, I got surgery for being gay.

What the fuck would that even mean? Prostate cancer. Hey, I got a pitch. I came up with this. Remember we're talking about how like Star Trek never, you know, really deals with any of this shit and it just has people in wheelchairs, everything's diversity or whatever. Yeah. What if they did a Star Trek episode where one of the Star Trek, uh, They come to a planet and the planet goes,

it's like a utopia or something. He goes, well, yeah, because we cured homosexuality. I think, what do you mean? You cured it. And he goes, yeah, it's actually, it is a disease that you can get. Did Seth McMinkfarmine show not do that? That sounds like. Wouldn't that be like an interesting idea of the dilemma?

You know, no, we did find out it is a disease and we cured it. I'm like, oh. I don't really want to see Captain Picard and number one talk about curing being gay. Curing homosexuality. That would be an interesting ethical dilemma. They never touched on that in Star Trek. Because it's not interesting.

It's just potty talk. Oh, but fucking is a robotic guy is a fucking interesting dilemma. We've done that already. Silly nonsense. If we can do it as a robot a guy, we can do, well, what if you can cure all the gay and there's no more gay? This is a serious show. It's not goofing around time. It's not goofing around.

That would be really interesting. No, it wouldn't be. It would just be slapstick and silly. I know. Kunil, unlike the current Star Trek where they eat the com badge. For two. Wait, he ate a com badge?

Yeah, at one point in the new Star Trek, they're goofing around and a fat black lady in the Starfleet. They go, you got any questions about Starfleet? And then the black girl goes, I think I swallowed my com badge. And you go, what is this? This is not Star Trek. Star Trek's a military fucking organization.

You don't have a retarded black. black lady. I think it's like cadet school. But like that's like a level of... They have black people in a thousand years? If Star Trek was real, okay, or like being treated seriously, they'd go, okay, well, you're not in Starfleet anymore. What do you mean? You ate your combat.

You're clearly mentally unstable. Like, no. You got to play it straight. Star Wars is not supposed to... Star Trek's not supposed to be goofy. Yeah, it's not... Star Wars, you got a gay robot who goes... Blu-bubbub. But the Star Trek, you got a little something. strategy for two credit to blue waffle oh hell nay the loks for five never mind i'm not reading

the loks superchats because he made fun of me online i hurt my feelings uh pippo cow whale pig we're also behind you missed a couple strategy for five imagine telling people that your son always has his face buried in the seaman nobody wants that and cuner rail for two chief sitting bacon moved it to Thursday again. Cypherson Suckus for 5. Hey, Vito, what's your favorite part of Superkiller? $5 is like a 20, so answer. My favorite part is the publishing. It's so much fun. Gary smokes oak for 10. I'm a vet.

I'm at 20% for my destroyed bag. It was a nightmare to get that through the VA, and I'm only seeing $350 a month. Most vets I know only get around 30 to 40% fighting with lawyers. Well, it sounds like you did a bad job. Yeah, how are these other guys trying it then. Yeah. It's not my fault.

You're bad at playing it up. Obviously doing a scam and saying the right things. Like getting a therapy dog. I don't think it's fighting with lawyers. I think it's finding a doctor with a wink, wink, nudge, and he goes, this man is mentally deficient.

He can't possibly function. I bet there's a list of ailments you can have that they can't test for. Like tinnitus, you can't test for that. So I bet if you go in and just say you have all the untestable ailments, instant 100%. I think.

you could get those numbers up. Also, if you're at 20%, you should be getting more than 350. 20% you get like a couple, I don't know, Cardo Bird for 5. On behalf of the Buttoe, Thank you for your service. Full Buffalo, Beno. Pengus. Chicago Blood for 2, also exploding blood, his zero motion and no booty.

Blum Logan for 5. Nothing is more exciting than BBC News. Countdown music. Stay calm and carry on. Dekasugi Chinuki for 5. $5.5.5 dollar baldehala. Also, why was Balder banned? I don't give IDGI. What is that? Bald is 5. This has nothing to do with me.

They're mad. I use them for a 6-7 joke. It's childish. How are you banned if you're super chatting? I have no idea what he's talking about. Let's see here. We've got a couple more. Somebody complained and got a handicap sparking space put in my apartment building a year ago. Since then, not a single person has parked there once.

We literally have no disabled people here. Yeah. We had disabled parking on the bonus episode. You should go check it out. We got a lot of disabled talk. For $2.A. Vito, this man has no respect for you. Kara, moderator to the stars for two great show guys. Thank you.

We love you, Kara. Did we get five figures? You get five figures. Voting all the problems. Biggest problem. Show. Check out the bonus episode. Patreon.com slash biggest problem.

And once again, take care of yourself God bless America and uh yeah bye do a countdown to end the show that's too late oh did you already end it

I ended it fuck yeah all right see yeah that was a good one