The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 235

Episode Date: August 9, 2026

Vito Gesualdi and special guest Billy the Fridge kick off this all-new dickless era of BPITU.

Okay, but it's not like a common problem. It's very common. That's hurting me. I do not deserve to be hurt. So they're supporting our journey, Dick. Isn't that great? And welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. Let's do this thing.

See, I should have music playing here. I'm realizing now. It's the same problem we just had on the last show where the music just kind of cuts in. And there's just two guys sitting there going, that was good. That's exciting. But at least we're bigger guys. Yeah, this show. The biggest problem grew in the size, at least two times in size, which is what people like.

Ladies gentlemen, welcome, of course, to the biggest problem in the universe episode. Looks like 2.35. And you may have noticed that something has changed about this show. And it's that I am more beautiful and radiant than ever. No, we replaced Dick with a fat guy. We thought we should have two fat guys on the show. and that's what we've done here today. Billy, how are you changing my name to Pussmasterson. Slayerson.

Yeah. There we go. Okay. Well, that's a little over the top. Billy, how have you been? Are we going to buy a studio? Are we going to buy a studio? I always thought, because I'm just a guest but I think that we should buy a studio for when I guessed. Look, I've had people, I'm getting a lot of comments. Most of the comments are you're going to fuck it up, fat boy you're going to ruin the show and you're going to plow it into the dirt and I go that's very possible that's very true the other comment I get is they go oh boy you guys are just going to do a zoom show you're just going to do zoom calls guys uh I don't have a fucking podcasting studio man what am I going to have what am I going to do I'm going to fly billy out from Seattle to come to a podcast

or my shitty apartment all right we're we're figuring things out but we got to fly you here we got fly you here sure hey maybe I should be in Seattle that's where all the beautiful people are. But, you know, look, we're going to figure it out. Who knows? Maybe we could have an in-person show at some point. And I do want to be clear, you know, Billy, you're here as a guest to the show. You're going to be, we're going to be having a number of different guys come by.

It's not that we don't love you. But again, it's not, we have not had a, we do not have a permanent replacement for Dick Masterson. Right now, we're playing things by ear. We're seeing what sticks, because let's be clear. replacing Dick Masterson is going to be possible it's not possible you can't you can't replace dick yeah why somebody saying the audio is fucked is the audio fucked or not I really hope it's not we chest read beforehand I think it's fine I think someone's fucking with me but this is the biggest problem in the universe it is the show with the problems all we're

going to do what we can to make it exciting uh Billy for the people who don't know you you, who the fuck is Billy the fridge, Billy? I'm very, very fat. I have been on the internet for a very long time. I make music. I podcast. I talk trash. I go viral for obesity and other cool things.

So, I've been around. Well, you, uh, so you, you kind of got started on YouTube. What is like a rapper? Um,

what was like your first kind of things you were doing? I, I used to be a backyard wrestler. That's my early as YouTube. That's why I started YouTube. Well, no, though. That had a different name then. So Billy the Fridge was from my music.

Because my last name is the same as, it's one letter off of William Perry. You know, Willem the Refrigerator Perry. They start calling me Fridge, William the refrigerator, Barry, ducks, don't tell anybody. It's all over the internet. But then I just kept Billy the fridge because it was shorter. and I needed a web domain at the time.

So I went by Billy the fridge because it was like Billy the kid. One thing people might know you from, and this I love, which there's a famous photo of you. I'm going to see if I could find right now. Oh, was this actually from a video? This is a famous Billy photo.

Let me see if I can bring this up here. Share the screen. This is Billy at Walmart. I was shopping. I had a I had borrowed a small special boy and I was shopping around the store with him. I thought I would get better parking. It wasn't worth it. But here's what's crazy about this is this image was so viral that eventually you made it into the people of Walmart coloring book.

So you are now forever immortalized within the pages of people of Walmart, which is exciting to me. Do you have a copy of this? I don't. You fucked up. How do you not have, you're in a coloring book. Why would you not have a copy? Somebody back in the day bought two copies and said they were going to give one to me and they never did. So I just, I felt like I always had one.

I just never got it. Bro, because this is like, this is old, man. You can you get these anymore? This is this. Yeah, they're probably sold out. This was your claim to fame for a while. You know, we got to. Yeah.

Now what are we got to do? We got to make more of these photos, Vito. Me and you, I got to carry you around Walmart. And then we'll make a whole coloring book It's not fun anymore man Now all the TikTokers are trolling Walmart It's like you were the first Going in and fucking around Walmart

Now all the TikTokers go in there They go oh duh Can you help me find a fucking butt plug Duh? You're like god damn it man Like you can't do prank shit anymore Because TikTokers have ruined it Yeah you know TikTokers are bad When they make people feel bad for Walmart

Yeah What I'm like dude these Walmart employees leave them alone, man. They didn't do anything to you. And it really is just awful. What's going on, man. You're also over on Lowell Cow now. I know you've had like a back and forth with the Lowell Cow podcast or you left for a second. Now you're back. Well, it's because all my friends are there. Booky 2-988, Keem Star. They're all my buddies. Do you really think I do you really consider Keem and book. Come on, man. Those guys are fucking. nuts they're nuts in the head guys for like over a decade that's true what are you do at some point the scars become you the stains become you i have been trying to figure out the low cow drama and i

don't get it man like i go over to that channel and it's like everybody hates every other member of the lull cow podcast and they're all recording about how this guy's bad for lull cow and this guy's bad for lull cow you know how um they said pro wrestling is soap operas for men Yeah. Law Cow is pro wrestling for lazy fat people. Who? I don't get it. There's like 80 Lowell Cow podcasts.

I don't get it either. Why are there so many different ones? I just sit there shut up and I do what I'm told. I don't get it. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm glad it's working out for you. I'm glad that you've, you're enjoying what is stable employment from Keemstar of all people.

So I'm sure that's a nice thing. to rely on. The paycheck comes with a kick in the pants. We are going to throw Billy a couple bucks for helping us out tonight because I think we can't trust that Keemstar income. So get those super chats in as we move into a beloved segment. Tell me if you can hear this audio on reference to the movies. Sorry, Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's voted up. The beloved segment is back. It's basically just the news segment. We're doing the news. It's good to have news on a pie. I think, Billy. It helps let you know what's going on the world and it reframe some old problems in a new light. I see people already in the chat going, where's there no new Stinger? I didn't have time they can do Stinger. I don't even know how to fucking upload the MP3 yet. Be happy

that you get in anything. What would you even do for the new Stinger? You have an idea? I got it. It's always a parody song. Like I was doing parody songs for a while and I'm like, I don't even know what songs to fucking parody at this point. Uh, so maybe we'll do more. Who cares if it's an old It doesn't matter for the old stinger. We can bring back classic stingers and also Biggest Problem Show at Gmail.com. Guys, once again, we're taking fan submissions. If you have voicemails, we're actually going to play some voicemails on the show. If you have stingers, whatever you want, biggest problem show at gmail.com.

Guys, from episode 22, Billy, tell me if this is a problem you can identify with. It's big shits that tear up your asshole. You know what the worst part about them is? What? When you fight these fucking things, you know, you're just pushing. It takes like a half an hour and you're rocking it back and forth. The rocking is the worst. Oh, I hate it.

And you look in the toilet and it's just like a little nugget, you know? Yeah. And you're like, what? All that for that? Dude, like you're digging out little fucking poop diamonds one at a time. The clink into the bowl. Oh, it's the worst. You know right.

Well, Billy, I have some new dietary advice coming to us from the American gastroenterological association, which I, whatever, I can't pronounce that at all. Now, Billy, by age 50, at least half of all adults will suffer through a bout of inflamed itchy veins known as hemorrhoids, which are literally a pain in the butt. You don't want to get the hemorrhoids. So what do you do, Billy? Do you know? Not to get hemorrhoids? Yeah. I was always told don't sit directly on the cement.

On the cement. What are you talking about? Yeah, like the cement. Like, you know, if you're sitting down on the cement outside, make sure you have like layers of clothing between your anus and the cement. You're saying if you sit on cement, it causes hemorrhoids for some reason. Yeah. Like if you're bare assed sitting.

on the cement? Why would you be bare-assed sitting on the cement? It's like a summer sun. I have no idea what you're fucking talking about. You never been out in the summer sun? That's not in this article at all. I have no idea. No, it has nothing to do with whether you sit on a hot piece of pavement or not. You might want to put that on there. I might want to talk to the

entropological society about this one. Look, there's a couple things to talk about. Now, there's been new dietary guidelines issued by what's his name, Dr. Crazy Pants, fucking Kennedy. And he's telling everybody you got to get a lot of protein. You got to eat your meat. You got to eat your lean meats, whatever else. But he's leaving out the fact, the obvious fact, you got to have fiber. Men should aim to eat 38 grams of fiber a day.

Women should get at least 25 grams. Eat your breads, your cereals, your rice and grains. Okay. But here's something you might not be considering, Billy. And this is crazy to me. This is from Koreshi, a gastrointestinologist at Beth Israel, Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Jesus fucking Christ. Don't sit on the toilet for more than five minutes.

Do you think it's an option? Well, here's the problem. A recent study found the majority of adults in their 40s and 50s bring their cell phones into the bathroom. they sit on the toilet and they just sit there with their butt hanging out for like 30 minutes, 40 minutes. Now, the longer you sit on a toilet seat

with your unsupported bottom, even though if you're not straining, the blood flow to the anus increases. So the longer you sit there, the more of your blood, in this spread outstands, the more of your blood is going to your butthole and the more blood that goes to your butt hole.

Okay, let's put it this way. If you're going to sit there and play on your phone, do it after you're done pooping. But if you go there, play on your phone for like half an hour and then start pooping, then you've collected all this blood up in your anal cavity, and then you're going to get hammerides. Can we just talk about how gross it is that people play on their phones when there's open air fecal matter? Like, there's a reason why they say keep your toothbrush 10 feet away from the damn toilet pool. It's because the bathroom is so calming.

It's got like a calming atmosphere. There's there's dukey spores. There's dukey spores everywhere. They collect in your phone. There's not duky spores. There are dukey spores all over the bathroom. Then you're playing fucking brick breaker. And then you call your mom and you're huffing and puffing and ducing spores while you tell her you love her.

That's my mom while I'm taking a shit. I've never done that. That's fucking insane. Well, it's not while you're taking a shit. When you walk away from the phone, the phone's collected all the duky spores. Everywhere you go, they follow. There's a, there's a sheer thin line of dukey spores across your phone. you're sitting there playing brick breaker you might have a point you should probably wipe off the phone

after you go but the point is don't sit on the toilet too long because then you're going to have a big shit it's going to tear up your asshole and you're going to get hemorrhoids and that's the bottom line honestly don't bring your phone in the bathroom if you got games on your phone play them in play them in bed don't play them in the bathroom yeah yeah or you know put the seat down so that you're not sitting on that ring and then you got like your your anus is supported then if the down i mean obviously have your pants up at that point the secret is to just put the lid down and shit on the lid you got a pancake everything the real life hack is to become a lid shitter that's the most important thing that we've all learned uh all right anyway guys that's big

sheds to tear up your asshole for episode 22 currently number 88 with 523 up votes don't forget to vote it up i got one more for you billy this is from episode 12 this is the issue of Columbus hate. This is people who can't respect a great Italian-American figure and want to tear down Christopher Columbus. Was he the best guy? No, but you know, he sailed around.

He had a boat and a couple slaves. Not, you know, everybody had slaves. Any of our heroes, the best guys? There you go. Why we got to take the good with the bad? I'll be real with you. Ever since the Italians were basically grandfathered into being white,

because they weren't always white people. No, we were not. They used to get, they used to get, they used to get kicked around pretty fierce, okay? And once they got grandfathered. I think they only got grandfathered into being white so they could be the white people, everybody else kicks around. We did, dude, Italian Americans did a real, we worked really hard to trick you guys into thinking we're white.

We did a very good job of it. And now that we, now that we've gotten here, like we, we have that kind of level of white privilege where we get to go, we can't just take our statues away because we'll like fight. Well, actually, here's the weirdest thing about this story, Billy, is you would think fighting to save the Columbus statues would be an Italian guy, right? I'm going to hit you with a, I'm going to hit you with a swing real quick. A new nonprofit in New York is planning to unveil a Christopher Columbus statue this October, dodging mayor Zohran Mamdani and other haters who tried to cancel the Italian-born explorer. The preserving Italian-atelian,

Heritage Coalition is brought together by State Assemblyman Lester Chang. Lester is the current savior. Let's take a look. This man is saving Italian American culture. Mr. Chang is all about that Columbus here. He has a mock-up of the delightful Columbus statue. He has planned for the rest of us, which is very, very exciting. plant they are planning the house of the statue of the john hughes club in dyker heights that's private property meaning city officials cannot tear it down the john hughes club it's yeah basically it's looking mom don't know if you know this billy mom dony famously while he was running for assemblyman gave the middle finger to a statue of christopher columbus he flipped off columbus which

which is kind of a waste of everybody's time and I don't know why he did that. So he's so brave. Yeah, I mean, that's really sticking it to Columbus, man. That's really all it's sticking it to all the Italian Americans. We love Columbus. How many great Italian Americans do we have? We got like Robert De Niro. We got Chef Boyardy.

Oh, we got Christopher Columbus. It's like three guys. There's got to be more than that. No. It's pretty much those guys. Yeah, I can't think of any others. So that's why Super Mario. Super Mario is another one.

So we got like, you know, four Italian Americans that everybody loves. And you can't, you can't break apart the band. Ooh, you know what? What? Super Mario, he also was hyped up by the Asians. That's true. The Asians love the Italians. They're going to be, they're going to save the Italians, you know.

you know what's uh i was always really upset that how can super mario be voiced by chris pratt who is clearly some sort of gentile wasp okay like in terms of voice acting i thought we were doing this whole thing where like the voice actor has to match the character because now if you listen to king of the hill con susa nuisance phone does not sound like conn anymore sounds like a random asian guy they found there's no why super mario not have to be an italian voice actor should be an italian Because Chris Pratt voices everything now. I know. Dude, I always think the funniest thing Chris Pratt could do.

You know how he's like a super hardcore Christian? Yeah. I think the funniest thing he could do is to just make a video where he just goes, Hey, kids, my name is Chris Pratt. I'm Garfield, Super Mario, Star Lord, and the guy from the fucking Lego guy. And all of us, Garfield and Mario, whatever, want to tell you. you to accept Christ as your Lord and Savior. Just watch all these fucking brands go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He goes, it is the one true God. Unlike these other heathen gods. God, it would melt people's faces. I will say it was the very Christian thing for him to do to be in a movie where dinosaurs walked with men because that's a very Christian thing. That's true. I forgot he's a thousand years.

Yeah. He's basically slowly building that propaganda movie for movie. I look I've accepted Chris Pratt as a force that cannot be stopped he's just there he's in everything because he kind of plays it perfectly you know it's like there's the guys in hot like you saw mark ruffalo's not they're not letting him be in like marvel movies anymore because he won't shut the fuck up about Palestine so they're like say that but he was just in spider man yeah but that was like his like out that was like we got to be in the next one he's he's got he's got to be like one of these end game or not what is it secret doomsday or he's going to be in one of those he's

going to be in he's going to be in victoria secret doomsday you'll be in one of those i think that they're going man dude they canceled what was it with the scream actress because she said something about palestine they don't want anybody talking about palestine but that was like right after october 7th right that was pretty close maybe he's far enough away that you can say shit about there's a window where you have to be complacent i mean respectful And after that, you can have your opinion. I don't think that window exists in Hollywood, though. I think in Hollywood, the window is very, very large.

And it's like, hey, I got something to say about the Israeli, the Jewish ethno state or whatever. And they're like, no, no, no, no. You can say that fucking anywhere other than this fucking down. Hollywood, Hollywood likes to play both sides, though. So I think they enjoy the conversation. Do they? I don't know.

Yes. It's called controlled opposition. It works perfectly. They know what they're doing, Vito. They they're very good at what they do. All I know what they do is not so good. What they do is not talk about Israel and not talking about Palestine. That's what they're best at. I mean, fucking dude. The funniest thing, like I find the Jewish nepotism in Hollywood to be funny. Like the stories are funny. Like remember when Han Solo showed up and you go, oh wow, how'd you pick this guy to be Han Solo? is he the best Han Solo ever? And it's like,

Steven Spielberg met him at a girl's bar mitzvah. And you're like, yeah, that's fine. Just make him Han Solo. Who cares? He was the coolest looking kid at the bar mitzvah. And they're like,

ah, fuck it. You could be Han Solo. None of this matters. It's how it works. It's your network. Like when they try to make Shail LeBuff into like an action star. And he went,

he's not an action star. He's a little Jewish kid. Like, what do you mean? Like, yeah, you're like he's a little tiny Jewish boy. He worked in Transformers because he was going,

Oh, geez, all these transformers. Oh, geez, all these things turning into robots and then cars. And you're like, that's fine. But then they try to take it a step. And then they're like, he's the next fucking Indian Jones. And you said, no, he's not. Look at this little Jewish kid. There's no way he's the next fucking Indiana Jones.

How many child stars have had an arc like Shailabuff? What is he now? He's like a militant Catholic? I don't know what's going on with that guy. I saw they put him in some movie recently. shy le buff he played padro pio and went like method on it and became like a serious catholic afterwards he uh he was in some i don't know man he just went like hollywood crazy he went he went because you know everybody got up his ass for a while and he was like oh yeah i'm a real

fucking actor man i'm a real fucking artist and you're like no you're that little jewish kid from even stevens just shut the fuck out that's why chris pratt is getting all the roles because priss pratt doesn't go out there and start like shitting on the sidewalk and going i'm the fucking crow king or whatever he just goes now i'm just like a fun affable guy who runs around and pretends to be a cat or a super mario the problem is my neck of the woods this is a big w for me he's this a hometown hero i love him i thought i was from florida are you from florida no he's from uh just north to seattle lake stevens area oh interesting oh i know there was the girl from uh scary movie you know the anna ferris he was right to her she's from

just north they're here too. They're like, they're like neighbors basically. I could have been in a throple with them if I would have played my cards, right? Yeah, you're fucking up in Seattle. You're not getting anything done. All the opportunities up in beautiful Seattle. Uh, well, guys, Columbus hate is currently number 121 with 446 of votes. So don't forget to go to the website and vote. I'm not stalling for time. Vote. It. It. I fucked that up. Vote it up. Oh yeah. There it is. Real quick, we'll take a look. We're going to do the comments from last episode. I'm sure people want to know what the response was. Again, this was Dick's last episode. So let's see

what some of the top comments are that people are saying here. Did you watch the last episode, Billy? It was fantastic. I did watch a lot of it. Um, Did you actually? It made me cry. I cried. I did not cry. I said, yeah, all right. I'm glad we're moving on to another chapter in this, a nightmare.

Let's see here. H. Jello says, I used to listen as a truck driver three, four years ago. I decided to see what you guys were up to. ironic timing. Lieutenant Sir says the show ended the moment Richard put on the Sonichu Medallion. A lot of people claiming the medallion is cursed. I don't think a medallion gave Dick tinnitus. I think he just got tinnitus.

It's the medallion works in mysterious ways. It's never, it's never ended in good. Well, it is true that Ralph was in studio when we had the medallion. His life is not going so great. Maybe we'll have to check in on the Ethan Ralph saga. I don't know.

I honestly can't even keep track of what's going on with that guy. And Dix's ears are broken. But he had a kid. That's a good thing, though. So maybe the medallion, you know, unless the kid grows up and like kills people,

something good came out of the medallion. Well, it could just be bad for the show, right? It doesn't have to be bad for the dick and his family. What I'm saying? Some things are good. Some things are bad. And maybe Ethan Ralph is spiraling into a Coke-fueled drug addiction with the hooker. I mean, maybe that's good.

I don't fucking know. Porn star, Vito, porn star. Porn star, sure. I don't know what the fuck she is. Let's see. Fahogod's is the best possible ending. Thanks for her. Ditchmellon says truly a moment.

in history and 415 nix as the duet at the end was fire thanks for the show boys i do think we at least had a great ending there and speaking of endings here are the final problems from the last episode uh we had number one problem was ego that was dick's problem saving all your stuff until the end that was also dick women talking about food i think that was also dick clipping your nails too short I don't even remember being a problem, but sure. No knife guards for packages. I don't remember any of these fucking things. The Power Rangers movie, all my problems were negative of congressional onage,

the Power Rangers movie, and Lost Media Cry Babies. I think the Power Rangers movie should have been high. That movie sucked. They got rid of all the cool dinosaur robots, and they replaced them with like fucking animal robots, which was trash. So Dick wins the final episode. congratulations dick masterson you are the winner and uh i think you deserve to go out on a win take the w maybe at some point we'll have to tally up how many episodes dick won and how many i won

but other than that i think it's time we get into the show and this is where i would normally play some sort of weird alien sound effect to move between things but i don't have that clip that's on dick's computer so let's just do it uh billy have you ever have you ever ever wanted to be wildly successful in all things? Have you ever just wanted people to hear your story and look at you with admiration and go, now that man is an inspiration. This sounds fantastic. Sounds fantastic.

Well, here's why that's never going to happen, Billy. And it's a problem I'm calling NB, not being black. This is my problem is that. I'm saying it's a problem to not be black. It's a good thing to be black. I didn't know you could wear shit like that. I'm envious. No, he's a, okay, this is a guy known as Jason Ardey. And he is a Cambridge England's youngest black professor until yesterday when he was forced to resign. So this guy showed up and he said, I want to be a Cambridge professor.

And normally to become a Cambridge professor, which is a very prestigious school, maybe one of the most prestigious schools in the world, you need like a lot of, you know, accolades and awards and academic performance. And this guy didn't really have that, but he had a lot of really, really good stories. So first. Hold on. The picture you have up is still the Columbus statue from earlier. No, no, no, no, no. I know they look similar, but this is not Christopher Columbus. This is Professor Jason Ardey.

He's once celebrated as the youngest black professor in the history of Cambridge, has been found to embellish parts of an academic and personal record, and has resigned as of yesterday. Now, here's some of the interesting claims that he made. First of all, in order to become a professor, you need to have a PA. Well, he did graduate. I don't know what his degree is in, but his PhD thesis, somebody just kind of like looked up.

They're like, hey, this is all plagiarized. He didn't, he didn't write. Like, this is all clearly stolen. So that's bad enough already. But then they started digging through like a lot of the stuff he says. And again, this is the problem I'm talking about is if, if you're a black guy and you tell a good story, everyone's going to go, that is a great story. No part of me is going to look into that.

Why would he lie? That's just fun stuff. And then, but then the problem is when you become an academic professor, it's like, people kind of go, well, did Will Chamberlain really sleep with 2,000 women or wherever the fuck he claimed? Like in the world of basketball, he just go, ah, sure, why not? You know, that would mean he was slept with like four women a day for the entire NBA season. It's a whole.

He's a basketball player. Sure. I'm sure he actually slept with 2,000 women wherever the claim is. Here's some of the claims that he made. He ran 30 marathons and 35 days. That's a lot of marathons. Remember when Cat Williams said he read like 10,000 books one summer or something? Yes.

I don't question Cat Williams. Why would I question this guy? They both dress impeccably. 35 marathons. Like don't normally after you run a marathon, you kind of take a week off because you go, wow, running a marathon really is hard. But this guy ran 30 of them in 35 days claiming he ran. 600 miles in six days.

These claims have been questioned because that would make him exceptionally accomplished endurance athlete and journalists can find no independent evidence documenting. If you ran two marathons back to back, that I think would be news. I think you ran three back to back. You'd be like, oh my God, this guy's fucking insane. This is 30. He has now revised some of his descriptions saying one challenge took 12 days, rather than six. He claimed to raise five million pounds for charity. Charity fraud, a classic

problem we've had on this show. When people asked him to justify, well, what do you mean you raised five million dollars for charity? He said, well, you know, it was a by a collective and an organization, you know, these were organizations I was working for. It wasn't me personally. It was an organization. They said, which organization? He goes, I can't disclose that. So kind of sounds like, he's made that up. He described himself as being both a professional footballer and a professional snooker player. Neither of that was true. He, uh, the craziest one was that he claims that he could not read or write or I think even speak. This was part of the, this was probably the thing that they liked the most is he went, listen guys, I'm autistic. I went, ooh, an autistic black guy. You know,

that's a get. We could give this. This is a good story. He goes, and I didn't read writer's speak until I was 11 years old. And you go, no, that's, that would mean you're functionally retarded, basically. Like no kid who learns to read and write and speak at 11 years old, then goes, and now I work at Cambridge. It's like, no, you would be, it can happen, but you would still be kind of dumb, right? Is he just trying to pull off a force gump? Like, he's running. He's, he's, he's remedial. He's, he's like, how many presidents did he meet? The running, yeah, I guess people like a story of a guy who, I don't know what it is. You hear about a dumb guy who runs real hard and overcomes his autism and you're like,

ah, that's so fucking inspirational. I want to make this guy the king of the castle. Sometimes you want to believe the fantasy, you know? Like, like, you're willing to give up reality and facts and logic just so you can buy into something fantastical. Well, this is a fantastic man. You especially, let's be clear. Okay, Cambridge is a university that I'm sure if you look at the top management,

I think somebody had a picture of it. It's all white guys, right? And the one thing white guys hate is they sit around and they go, you know, I really wish we had more black guys. Are we racist? We're racist, right, guys? We don't have any black guys. I think you get, what's the tipping point for a group of white?

Are there any black people on Lowell Cow? Yeah. I think you hesitated. Because I think they've recently been fired. I don't know. I'm saying, I think there is a statistical mathematical tipping point, you know, an equation you could solve where if the number of white people exceeds the fucking financial, whatever income of the institution by X amount, you start going, we got to get some black people in here. What are we doing here? Come on, guys. White guilt becomes overbearing. So then you go, okay, well, let's go find the most reasonable black guy we can find. But then instead of like really looking into it and finally like, ah, this guy is pretty good at what he does. I think they overcompensate by looking for the most magical black guy they possibly. Hey, did you know, this guy jumped over 15 cars in a dirt bike one time?

And he, he ran through the fucking fields for two years until he learned how to talk. it all just become dinner for schmucks at some point like you start hiring the weirdest people to be at your school because you're you're just like bored you know none of it matters like you know college doesn't matter if it i hate to say this but if you look at conier west and you follow what everything he does you're going to live a better life he college drop out drop out of college go become a billionaire fuck kim korean everybody who gets with kim kirk kardashian since Kanye big stars. He's like the lipist.

He played things right for a while until he got hooked up with Candice Owen. Kanye did the other thing that black guys do, which is smart, is to be mysterious. Like if Kanye just stayed mysterious, he would have been great. But it said he came out at the gate and he said, you know, I'm just tired of all these Jews. And you went, see, that's not mysterious. That's like obvious. Like, yeah, I know. You're a black guy in the music industry. Of course, you've had

disagreements with Jews. No, you don't even have to say it at that point. But Kanye said some stuff and then what happened? Everybody was coming out against Israel. Kanye started it. I'm just saying there was a big backlash after Kanye spoke. Everything Kanye does give it two years and you'll see it becomes a trend. I don't like it. I just realize it. The point with this story is that uh, so this guy was about he's got he got a 1.4 million dollar advance or pounds whatever that fucking translates to he's got a book coming out and uh and uh you know all these claims are happening where they're going well he ran 30 marathons he was a professional snooker player and he couldn't speak or write or wipe his ass for 12 years and one journalist went

that's interesting uh i'd like to write a story about this guy like send him a letter he's like hey uh so like which uh organizations did you raise all that money for like which marathons did you run the cops sent to his house and the cops went, we need you to stop harassing this black individual. And he said, wait, what do you mean? And they're like, you're asking too many questions. He went, I'm a journalist. They go, he said you're harassing him. You got to stop. And again, this is the knee jerk. Dude, we had this in my hometown. It wasn't for a black guy, but it was like, you get these hippie white liberals and they're so excited about, you know, this, uh, hippie they hired. We had a guy, his name was Stephen Meyer,

and he was the principal of the high school. And everybody loved this guy because it was all about, you know, I just want like a safe environment for the kids, man. You know, it's all about the kids. And, you know, some people, some of my teaching methods are experimental, but ultimately, you know, it's all about togetherness and inclusion. And then one kid went, yeah, that's cool. Hey, that guy brought me over to his house.

I was in the hot tub with him and he touched my nipples. And the instinct was not, hey, we got to get rid of this guy. instinct was nah that guy's uh that guy's got a great story he's helping all the kids it must have been a misunderstanding you know clearly and the principal at the time he said well actually he said he was having you know chest pains and i just asked to see his chest so i could see if maybe there was some sort of a lesion or scar that i would then refer him for medical treatment and the whole town went like oh that's uh that's good see he was just trying to help it's a complete misunderstanding and then again a nosy journalist was like well i called all the

the schools he used to work for. And he did change his name. And every one of those schools said, yeah, he was fired for touching all the boys. We fired him back in the 70s because he wouldn't stop doing it. And that was when finally the, the good hippie, like collective finally went, uh, maybe we, maybe we did get one wrong. And I think that's what's happened with that. They're always wrong, though.

There's always some. It doesn't. It doesn't. There's always some shit that's this. Rachel Dolezal. Wasn't she big in the college community? And they were protecting her up until like, it was like, wait a second. This don't add up.

The math ain't methin. This lady ain't actually black was what they found out with her. They do this all the time because it really doesn't matter. Colleges are just debt forms. They don't, they don't do anything. Well, they're debt farms that benefit from, like, the worst part is that the university is it used to be like, yeah, you know, we just got like the best. guys to teach you stuff. But now the universities are like, they want to have stars. I think part of it

is that we live in this like YouTube TikTok generation where everyone goes, hey, we don't just have university professors. We have a magic black guy who wrote here on a fucking unicorn and it's teaching all the kids out to overcome autism. And you're like, just get a guy who knows the subject to teach the kids. It's not that big a deal. The subject doesn't matter, right? It's all textbooks anyways, exorbitantly priced textbooks. It's curriculum. They don't care about any of it. They just need somebody funny to do the work. They're collecting professors like Pokemon.

I think at this point, don't go to college. It's all become a weird, performative trick. They're not hiring professors to give you the best possible, you know, fucking education. They're hiring professors hoping that those professors get a book deal. And then when the book comes out, everyone's so inspired by the book that they sign all their kids up for your fucking education. in college. Like it's become this interfeeding loop of colleges competing for fucking accolades and news headlines because it's just such a for-profit scheme that, uh, it's, it's hard to quantify. If one of your parents was like in one of those really good fraternities or whatever or sororities,

go to college because it's made for you. It's not made for people who are hard workers. Just go do hard work you'll you'll lap everybody else i am fascinated by this story i am fascinated by uh again video of him getting interviewed and the guy was interviewing i'm trying to ask him like simple questions he was like uh so uh jason tell me tell me tell me about uh what what inspires you he's like i like acoustic guitar and he said okay so what about it he was like i think the best years were the mid 90s or the They're like, okay, yeah, well, tell me about the acoustic guitar. He's like, I like Oasis. Oh, so that's why you like the 60s because they like the Beatles.

This is the lowest common thought process of all time. And this guy's interviewers trying to milk. This is what they want to get out of him is they want to get out of him is they want to get him to go on these shows here. Here he's going to talk about learning to read. I forgot this guy is still around. I remember this guy interviewed Michael Jackson back of the day. He's got fucking weird. Oh, shit.

He's got fucking bug eyes, too, is the weird thing. God, Billy, if I was black, I would be so good at doing this. I would just look, interviewers in the eye, I'd go, the thing is about reading. It's a magical thing that comes to you. And through the gesture and the touch of a warming hand, then my mind became free. In the back of my head, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going, I'm a book deal. I'm a magic black guy. You can pull this off.

as you are if you were if you just weren't you right the problem with you is that you know too much and and you and you act like you know too much right he he's so whimsically fucking docile that nobody questions him like oh you you you sweet you sweet sweet sweet man well he also has he has the greatest tool affordable to a black like me when i lie someone goes hey you fat sick of shit stop lying and what can i do i go, yeah, you got me. What the fuck am I going to do? That's because you lie.

You lie and get caught. I lie all the fucking time. Because he lies on shit that you can't catch because it's so stupid. No, but all would you ever call him out on it. He gets access to the best fucking tool in the modern fucking black arsenal. We just go, well, isn't a little racist that you're casting doubt on my story? He's got a double up because he gets to go, not only am I black, but I'm disabled. So you can't say shit.

aren't you like on the LGBT spectrum or something? Don't you have a little bit but not enough that it counts If you played it up it would count If you're like, ooh I like rainbows And if I trans down and I bow blacks

I would be in a much better situation than I am but I have none of it I have no access to none of it You just have to choose to go down the path of docile harmlessness And then you get away with bullshit Right? when you look like you might be a threat people call you on your shit because they don't want you to be running their shit with lies

nobody's worried about this guy lying on their shit because there's nothing this guy could do with his lies to hurt me here's this big quote how would you change the world i want to hear all this guy i want to see how jason rade would he's changed the world let's hear it right okay there you go do this so easy. God, this is like the best gift. Vito. You don't even have to say anything, Billy. You don't have to say anything. Someone could go, hey, what would you do about the housing crisis? Oid take a needle and thread me would and I'd interweave love in every stitch. This is your chance, Vito. What would you do? To change the world, what would you do to change the world? I'd go, look, you want to learn, you want to learn a fucking skill or a trade?

it just go to trade school or fucking learn it from chat gpt this bug-eyed cock sucker going i would use a needle to bring love and i would it's just like my god the grift is so fuck how does anyone and white people fall heads or heels for it they go that was incredible it speaks more than logic or reason or an actual plan ever would that would be the your your tears say more than anything we could ever ask for you know what this is though this is the product of late stage capitalism they got it so locked in back in the day when we're trying to build a country we're trying to build a world we couldn't have this weird shit but once they're so locked in they can start politicizing our orios they can start putting anybody in positions of power and they get away with

it because we're dunzo dude we're fucking dunzo veto veto Well, that's my problem, Billy. Not being black. I think I would have nailed it. I think I would be a great black guy. You couldn't pull off that eyeliner, could you? I could pull. I could, dude, I would be the most magical of all the black guys.

I would say everything white he wants to hear. I would have every job. I would go in there. Anytime a white guy struggling with something, I'd go, well, here's what my aunt. My aunt Liza used to say to me. You know, I speak to one like this southern fucking, uh, campy wisdom. I go, she would tell me to bake every apple pie as if God himself was put in love in the crust. I don't really like, I don't really like the way you say these things, Vito.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to take a thread and a needle and I'm going to sew your mouth shut. Dude, I watched that bagger vance movie and I went, I would have been an excellent bagger vans. I would have told white people how to play golf and they would have loved it. I just follow them around with a catty fucking bag, collect up the dollar bills, and hit them with a little bit of folksy wisdom, and they fall for it every time. NB, not being black, that's the problem.

That's Vito's biggest problem. That's my biggest problem in the week. Billy, what do you got for me? Well, I got a serious issue, and I think that the reason I'm on this podcast today is to bring awareness to the fact that the United States Postal Service is dying. And it's,

it's, it's, it's at the cost of privatized carriers taking advantage of their dedication to deliver every package. Is that what it is? The post office sucks, man. It's the worst. They are there for the backwoods swamp people.

They are there for the mountain people. They are there for everybody in this country. And, and they're getting undercut in the, the place. is a value because Amazon can just have people drop off shit on your porch. Would you imagine driving

something? Would you imagine driving something to somebody's house and dropping it off skipping the mail service? Because you, the undercutting that goes to just driving to somebody's house and dropping off what you were supposed to mail? I've dropped off a package every now and again. You're undercutting the United States Postal

Service. Last year they lost $9 billion and they've been working hard. But I'm saying, But like, isn't it okay if they lose? Like, why does the post service? It's like the military doesn't make money, right? It's just a thing we got to spend money on. The military is federally funded.

The postal service cannot accept federal funding. They are, they are funded off of the fucking stamps. The postage. Yeah. Well, they just raised the price of the postage. So are we, they keep raising the price of the postage. And still, they're $9 billion in debt last year. We're running into a...

Okay, but is your problem that they're in debt? Or is your problem that... The problem is that they're about to disappear. And Mountain Man... They're not going to get rid of the post office. They can't get rid of the post office. They're going to accrue debt forever? Well, Amazon curbs around steals their inner city money.

Well, if the post office might sell themselves to Amazon, I can think that could be a possibility. people are saying it's inaccurate that the USPS gets federal funding is because they need something wait no they're getting federal fund the USPS is not self-funded I don't think is it I was told they were USPS funding the USPS is self-funded relying on stamp sales and shipping fees rather than tax dollars you are right so they face persistent financial shortfalls due to rising costs and borrowing limits so who are they

borrowing money from. Okay, but here's the thing. They are restricted to borrowing up to 15 billion from the U.S. Treasury. So they're allowed to borrow 15 billion, which is the same. You can say they're not taking tax dollars, but if you then go to the treasury and take 15 billion, then yes, you're taking tax dollars, obviously. If they lost nine billion last year, it's only going to become a downward turn, a downward trend. Well, they did just raise the price of stamps. I actually did just buy like 500 stamps because, which I realized at the time I was like, man, I'm so smart. I'm buying

500 stamps. And I said, the stamps going up three cents. 500 times three cents means you sold, you saved $15. I was like, I guess I'm not nearly as smart as I had hoped I was. You think that there's a way to save it? Well, look, it's one of these things that it's just become someone else.

You're kicking the can down the line, right? It's the same with fucking, what do you call it? Not welfare, but social security. If you go, ah, by the time it's a problem, I'll probably be dead. So what the fuck do I care? Well, that's a lot of the problem. In the future, you're not going to have to send mail. You'll have a replicator that you just go, yeah, here, I'm sending a package.

You'll just fucking teleport it to them. All these mailman pensions, all these mailman pensions are dragging it down. Well, we had to give them the pensions because they were killing. people, Billy. That was a big problem in the 90s. That was a bigger problem. That was a much bigger problem. All the mail guys were getting laid off. They were just going crazy. Mail makes people crazy. Billy. That's what we found out. That's what we had to automate it and make all these robots and sort the mail. Because one guy would just be sitting there checking the stamps and shit. And like after like a month of checking the stamps,

eventually you just pull out a gun and it kill everybody. So we've we've made a lot of advancements in the postal people not killing people department. That's a big thing. Instead, everybody else kills people now. Yeah, well, we passed, we passed the savings on to the consumer. Now, and how are you at the post the government doesn't need to kill itself. Now you can kill yourself. Go get a gun. Go to whatever you are. I think we need that. I think we need to ask upon the people who use this the most to start giving some of their IP to the postage stamps, Pokemon postage stamps. How many Pokemon trading cards have you bought and sold and traded for?

Do you make a good point? It's time we reach out to the people who really use this service and tell them, give us your Pikachu's, you know, give us your BTS. Does Vito know he can't just use old stamps without adding a three cents stamp on each package letter? Are you retarded, Frogtony? Do you not know what a forever stamp is? A forever stamp is locked in. Yeah.

If you get a forever stamp, you're good to go. if the price goes up, your stamps are grandfathered into the fucking system, buddy. I know my stamps. A forever stamp is bond, okay? This is why you're not doing the new biggest problem. Frogtony kept coming to me. He said, I got to do biggest problem. No, because you'd be on here spreading misinformation about stamps.

That could desperately hurt the American people to be spreading that misinformation. There's a lot of people that don't understand the intricacies of the U.S. Postal Service. And I've learned that tonight. And I think that's part of the big problem. We're losing, we're losing an institution in the United States. Here's, here's the real problem is, uh, the post office has got to get its shit together. And they got to standardize a lot of these, uh, practices.

Uh, they need to have, we live in the future, right? There, there are robots scanning all the packages. There's no reason that I got a fucking message in my inbox going, hey, you know, that $20 card you sold me? It didn't show up. And I can't go, shit. Well, let me just track the import, whatever, because I just put a regular stamp on the fucking thing. Because if you want to send a insured mail, it's like $5. I'm like, dude, we're behind the times.

All of this. Let's be clear. The post office could just all be robots at this point. Of all the things that should be automated and just be robots, isn't mail the most obvious one? Do you really need a guy there to go, yeah, looks like a letter to me. Every time I go to the post office, I feel like either I'm stupid or they're stupid, and I'm not sure which one it is.

There's like an intimidating factor when I'm there. Like, am I the one making this a problem, or is it this person across the counter? Do you think a robot couldn't do what these people do? Well, the fact that when I go to the post office, it's not like I'm being met by Johnny Mailman, the most capable fucking guy ever. It's an old Chinese lady. And I go, well, now I know that the post office, this is, this is a job for people who couldn't figure out anything.

You used to like kind of have a little bit of trust. Like, oh, the postmaster general. You ever heard the term postmaster general? And he said, that guy must be in there with like an assault rifle to defend all the fucking male. And then you meet the postmaster general. And it's like an old lesbian lady who's real mean because you didn't put enough stamps on the fucking package.

Because she knows her shit. She knows how the post office works. She's got to work under budget. And she's got to deliver. I don't like the way you're sassing our postal workers, Vito. Dude, I argue with the post people because they fuck with me all the time where they go, you got to put an extra stamp on this. It's non-machineable.

And I go, this is definitely machinable. Put it through the machine. That's the big thing for me now is some envelopes. You have to have a special stamp because they go, this is too thick to go through the machine. And I go, then build a different machine. That's the problem. I do hate how. I do hate how the non-machinable shit will work sometimes and not others.

That's where a robot would come in handy. I have to drive to a different post office across town because my local post office won't take my letters. They go, no, none of this is machinable. And I go, show me the machine. Show me the machine that can't put this fucking envelope. It's a simple white envelope. They know, it won't work. They won't fit in the machine.

It's going to gum up the machine. You're going to destroy the paper in it. I put one trading card in the fucking thing. I'm shipping a card. Double sleeve. And they go, if you put that in the machine, this whole fucking place, is going to be on fire. I go, I know that's not true. I know you're just trying to get an extra stamp out of me, you cock suckers. And they go, that's just the rule, sir, sir, I'm

going to need you to calm down. I have to keep going to my local. And they do it to the mail that's coming to me. I keep getting the fucking notices where they go, sir, we need you to come to the post office. There's a matter requiring your attention. And I got to go there and they'll be like this envelope that is coming to you, you got to pay an extra buck 20 because the guy didn't put enough stamps on it. And I go, call him. Why do I got to put extra stamps on my shit and also pay when other people don't put enough stamps on their shit? I'm getting double-dicked. Yeah, and I think there's something fishy going on there. I think I don't like it. I just singled me out. I think I was too rude to one of these old Chinese ladies and they said,

he's no good. We fuck with him. We know it like him. Because every time I go in there, they fuck with me and they make me pay extra posts. I have to go to the other fucking post office now. You've burnt that post office. It's a, it's a, you know. you thing. It's not it's not. Bobby Cowell says the card would be destroyed if it went through the machine. I know that's not true because I've sent like a million fucking cards this way through the other fucking post office

and they're all using the same fucking machine. The idea that my fucking envelope is going to destroy the car, the fucking mail sorting machine is just bullshit invented by an old Chinese lady who doesn't like me. That's it. I believe she doesn't like you and she's being biased against you. I do believe that. Yeah. Because she would rather

be hang it let's be clear i live in a very asian area and she's all excited when other chinese people are there and they're all shipping fucking mushrooms and ginseng whatever the fuck and i come and i go hey i want to ship a couple trading cards he goes yeah yeah okay and she fucking treats me like i'm a piece of shit if i showed up with a bunch of fucking tea leaves and other chinese shit she'd be all excited about it but for some reason yeah i'll see people with gigantic boxes and shit they're sending back to their home country like she's not charging the other chinese people. I know she's not. She's just like, oh, this is great. We love it. Send this away. I'm like, can I send this fucking Pokemon card to Florida? And they're like,

I see Chinese guys going in there. They got an entire fucking box full of purloin cell phones that are stuffed with opium. She, she goes to the postal scale and she lifts it up a little bit. So the weights like half. She goes, oh, yeah, that would be five dollar. Five dollars shipped that. And they go, oh, thank you. Five dollar. And I go, I would like to ship one. Magic the Gathering card that weighs less than air. She goes, oh, that's going to a Nebraska. That's too bad, fat boy. That's going to be $18.00.

And I go, what the fuck? It's one fucking card. She goes, yeah, you know, well, there's a surcharge going to Nebraska right now. That's going to be 18-dara. I like how you're stealing John Panette's buffet bit and just putting it at the postoff. That's what actually fucking happens every fucking time. They're fucking me. I have to drive to the other post office across town that has all.

white people working at it. If I go to the Chinese post office, I'm fucked. The Japanese people, they love the fats, right? If they saw you, they'd be like, oh, yeah, come here, sumo boy. Have some rice with your fucking mail delivery. They would love you. Chinese do not like the fats.

They're not fans of the fats. No. They like uniformity. I don't know how Chinese people, because Chinese people, man, I go to the Chinese buffet, and I just watch old Chinese ladies who probably weigh 80 pounds, eating more crawfish than a fucking river stream. I go, what do you, how the

fuck is this little Asian lady just eating 10,000 little river bugs and they don't gain a shit ton of weight? So they look at me. The reason they don't, here's the reason Chinese people don't like me is I fight them for the crab legs at the buffet. And I think they recognize me. And they go, oh, fat boy, going to take out a crab rig

again. And I go, I'm not going to take them all. Okay, but I am going to take a sizable amount because clearly the snow crab leg is the best thing at the buffet. So maybe that's why they're discriminating against me. It's reasonable, though. right because you go to the buffet you see these old women eating plates and plates

of cradads and all that shit and they look at you and think if I can eat all this and I'm eating a lot and be skinny he must be eating like boats like you must be Godzilla right like there's well there's the other thing is I teach the Chinese buffet tricks

that they haven't picked up before okay because the thing about the crab legs bill is you want to put them in butter right you want butter for your crab legs but the butter is it's expensive melted butter i mean like a stick of butter costs what like a buck so they give you this tiny little ramekin to put it's actually butter you think it's actually giving you butter at those yeah it's kind of i mean i don't know maybe it's got not getting the movie theater oil they pump

on your shit no no it's got to be butter it's got to be butter i think it's the bottled garbage i think you're getting i can't believe it's not worthless the more we talk about crab legs the more i'm realizing i'm going to the buffet after this i taught here's the thing here's why the local buffet hates me is because I, through example, have taught all the old Chinese people, because all the old Chinese people were putting butter in the little ramekin and they're like, oh, I wish I had more butter, but I don't. And I said, I said, bitch, they got soup bowls like over here. I grab, I go to the other end of the buffet.

I grab the soup bowl and I come back to the butter trough and I'm just ladling it up. And I've had crowds of Chinese people going, oh. Ancient fat boy cigarette Is a most powerful butter man And then now when I go to the buffet I see other Chinese people grabbing the soup bowl And filling it full of butter And every time I go in there

The old Chinese guy who runs the fucking place He looks at me, he goes, You have created great problem for buffet Because now everybody's grabbed the soup But now everyone's got a butter bowl I introduced the butter bowl to the Chinese Now all these Chinese people With butter bowls are leaving

fucking rotten apples at your face feet. You're the new Buddha. Here's some fucking decrepit plums. I didn't know to start a movement, but I clearly started a movement. The butterball is taking over. Yeah. You're the butterball Buddha, veto. Now, I have not yet

introduced the Chinese to the fact that you can also bring the soup bowl over to the chocolate fountain. But we're not getting into that. Then you got your own little chocolate fondue bowl at your table. You don't. You don't do that, do you? I don't. I don't. But I

thought about it. I've thought about it. I've said, what's stopping me from just getting a big bowl of chocolate and just dunking everything in there? Did you bring your, do you bring your own lucky charms in and fill the bowl with the chocolate fountain instead of milk? I should make a video. If I made a video and I said, we're about to get nasty in this buffet. I'm going to teach you some hacks. If I got the bowl of fucking chocolate and I'm just dipping fried chicken in there, that would be a video and a half. Uh, so the post office, Billy, that's the big problem. it's a big problem we're gonna lose it

we're gonna lose it and it's being undercut in the major markets where it could have made some money because Amazon and all these all the DH I don't know DHL DHS they're all undercutting

in the major markets they're getting the privatized people are getting all the benefit while they have to still deliver to Marky mark out in potent Poughkeepsie it's not fair it's not

USPS is against the fucking ropes and nobody cares we got to shut it down we got well i don't want to shut it down we got to fix it and uh i want to meet privately with the chinese lady and explain to her you got to treat everybody the same okay i'm going to bring in a black guy to talk about you doing a needle and thread well i don't run the fucking post office i can do whatever i want she works for the government all right here's my next problem billy and uh this is one i think everybody in the audience if you don't vote this up you're an idiot uh so i'm in california billy what's the shopping bag situation in uh seattle what kind of shopping bags are you given access

to uh in the major areas i think we get paper bags paper bags you can buy the the nice knitted things for like 99 cents though so like just buy a reusable bag and throw it away let the turtles fight it No. Well, I am in California. We are being struck by the week and no longer have plastic shopping bags, which is a nightmare. Okay. We are allowed to have paper shopping bags. You do have to pay for them for some fucking reason. Fine. I will pay for a paper shopping bag. Okay. Today, speaking of the Asians, I go to the Asian markets. What did I get? Got some fish. Got some weird mushrooms. That's a separate problem. You can't get regular mushrooms at an Asian grocery store. They all look like, little fucking penises and you're like, uh, why do Asian people want to eat little penis mushrooms? Get like a regular. Oh mushrooms look like penises? No, but these are like fucking long fat penis mushrooms. They're like very penise mushrooms.

You saute that with that fucking butter and that butterball? Yeah, I get you do. It's just like literally grab it a big handful of dicks and throwing in a pan is what it feels like whenever you cook a Chinese mushrooms. If you complained about the dick mushrooms, why'd you buy them? Because they don't have any other ones. I wanted mushrooms. I said, well, they probably taste the same.

they just look like penises. It sucks. I don't like it. You're going to piss off the mitochondological foundation of America, dude. Oh, every mushroom tastes the fucking save. It's the thing growing out of the ground. It tastes like the ground. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know. Some mushrooms are better than that. Your commentary on criminally is criminal. It's criminal. It's criminal criminally discussion. I go to the, I go to check out. They go, do you want some bags? They go, of course I want some bag.

And they go, awesome. And they give me paper. bags and I go that's great and then I go to grab the handles of the paper sorry paper I go to grab the handles of the paper bags belly yeah no handles you ain't getting handles what the fuck is that man that's my problem no handles on the shopping bag what is the point of a bag with what name any other bag you have that doesn't have some sort of strap or hand grabbing thing a purse a knapsack a fucking a fanny pack. We all understand that there should be some way to hold on to it other than just yeah, I'll just fucking put it in my hands like a like a retard. It doesn't make any sense.

Do you remember when you were a kid? Paperbags didn't have handles. Yeah. And that was bad. We've evolved as a society. We we have a society have figured out, hey, it takes two seconds to take a little strip of fucking cardboard and staple a handle of the bag of. bag because what happened? I came home. I had my two bags of fucking groceries, which don't have handles. So I'm holding them like this, like a fucking idiot. I got to get my keys out to open the door. But what did you know it? As I'm turning the doorknob holding these retarded the fucking bags, everything just fucking spells out everywhere. And I go, yep, that was, if I had a handle, there would have been no problem. I would have grabbed the. Here's the other

thing. If you're a store, I as the shopper am incentivized to buy more. knowing that I can pack it into a bag that I can easily carry. Because next time I go, I'm going to go, well, I can't get anything heavy. Because what's the point? I'm going to put it in a bag that can't even carry the fucking thing around. You know how many people? It's counterintuitive. You get to virtue signal if you bring your own bag, right?

Like, I'm saving the environment. And you get handles. I don't want a virtue signal. I don't want a virtue signal. I have never looked at someone with a reusable shopping bag and said, now that's the kind of guy I can get behind. Oh, he said, ah, what a fucking loser. I bet he keeps a bunch of bags in his car.

What a, what a fucking, fucking dork. That's, I, the reusable bag, it's never going to be cool. That's the thing. It's never going to be like, oh, let me get my reusable shopping bag. You don't shop at Trader Joe's? I shop at Trader Joe's and I got to pay for the bag. Trader Joe's bags, $0.99. sense, they have cool art, different styles.

No, I remember that. Those are for fucking, those are for hippies and white people. That is the white. The whitest thing. There is nothing whiter. I guarantee the entire African American community is laughing at the reusable shopping bag. That is the whitest thing ever to go, I'm going to bring my little bag to the trader just.

And then I don't have to buy another bag. Oh my God. Look, you get your Trader Joe's bag and you come up in this world. I'm pretty sure that the pilot episode of the Jeffersons was that the George Jefferson bought a Trader Joe's bag and they gave him the good apartment. They're like, you're moving on up, dude. You're moving on up. You got a trade of Joe's bag. You're good.

What's standing between poverty and the fucking generation. It's not about racism. It's about classism. All right, boogie. Beto. Dad, I just hit you with the boogie bomb. Hit you with the, Vito. At some point, you just have to join us fucking fine, classy folks.

and buy a bag. I have the bags. The problem is that I don't go out and I'm not. Who's planning? Like, yeah, I guess if you're like, okay, I got to go grocery shop. Who's planning the grocery shop? I'm no planning to go. It's the one place where lists are to make their most.

I don't know, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ever since David Letterman went off air, grocery stores are the one place where people actually have lists. That's the only place people plan anymore. It's the last place for lists. I, out of respect to the Jewish community, do not use any sort of list at all. Because famously, there was a man who had a list. And it went, wait, wait, no, the list was good. Schindler had a list.

That went well for them. Never mind, maybe lists are good. I was thinking we're in reverse. Well, both sides had lists. I think Hitler had lists too. Schindler's list was also useful. All right. Look, I don't plan out to bring a fucking shopping bag to the place.

I just don't, I don't, I'm not a planner. I don't plan. Why don't you, though? Do you drive to the grocery store? Yeah, I just end up at the garage. And usually if I need groceries, I need like a couple things. I needed milk. I got some meat.

I mean, whatever. If you go to the grocery store, go to your trunk, pull a little bag out, maybe two bags. If you plan on getting those weird dig-take mushrooms. I do. I do. It is like the one or two times that I go to the grocery store and then I look and there is a bag next to me. I do go, yeah, all right. But you know why?

I'm like, fine with that. Because that bag has fucking handles on it. The reusable bag has handles. I hate to say this. What? I think your problem isn't bags that handles. Your problem is shopping at these third world fucking grocery stores, dude. Well, it is the Asian grocery.

Maybe that's why I got fucked over. You couldn't even get fucking mushrooms you like. You're going to make a fucking pasta primavera with some big old. The prices are good at the Asian market, especially on like, you know, shit that crawled out of the sea because they all strangled it to death of their bare hands and brought it in fresh. You're right. Maybe I need to go to a fancier upskill.

Okay. But like, dude, I hate, you ever go to like Whole Foods, man? And you go, everything in here is pissing me off. Every time I get anything for Whole Foods, I go, I know I'm getting ripped off at some point in this process. Like, I go, I know I'm getting a good bag on the way out. What could you go? Dude, you go to a whole food.

You're like, I want a bottle of water. And they go, actually this water. came from a mineral spring. It's only frequented by deers who are gay. And you're like, I don't understand how that's helpful at all. And they go, the gay deer water is $6.99, sir. And he go, God fucking damn it. I used to have buddies who worked at the Whole Foods.

And the worst part was I would try to be like, I had a whole food. Yeah, what an expensive sack of shit, right? And they were all like up in the Whole Foods mentality. And they're like, no, man, they source that stuff locally. like don't talk shit about Whole Foods dude like that's sustainable organic and I'm like oh my fucking God dude we used to drive around listening to fucking the misfits

and throwing bottles and fucking kids riding their bikes and now you're lecturing me about sustainable cheese farming I have about those luxury stores that rots people's brains man I have a rule in these these grocery stores you know I'll spend whatever if it's like if the cheese is from like a mountain goat

up in the middle of nowhere's you know and it was traveled down like if it was if it was if it was if the reason it's expensive is because it's like scarce or it's like they had to massage a wag you beef booty cheek before they they milked it out like i'll pay for that the second i hear that something's cruelty free i'm like no i'm not paying for that i'm not paying more so someone else can have a easier time you know yeah that's something i refuse to pay for cruelty free suck what i i will take the cool it's what cruelty free like chicken. Yeah.

You're saying you don't want to have to pay a chicken farmer to not hit a chicken. Is that what you're saying? Like you should just not hit the chicken to be in with. I believe that my convenience is what I'm paying for. Not somebody else's. Oh, well, this is this was the people got paid a living wage. I'm telling the convenience of the farmer. I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear cruelty free with my food. I don't want to hear it. I don't want. If you're reminding me that someone suffered. this I'm gonna remind you how much suffering it took to get here right now being me and everybody else but I'm all been eating off cruelty to wrap my head around so the cruelty free meat is like they don't put it in a cage right uh I mean it's just not just that though right it's like it's like a living wage made for everybody working on it's like I don't want to hear that if you if you

if you give them a living wage give them a living wage I don't need to hear it just need to be passed on to me right as the customer I'm like oh I'm paying $9 dollars so this guy can buy shoes? Well, it sounds like you're paying the farmer to not beat the shit out of his chickens. I think you shouldn't do that in the first place. Why is that my problem? Why is that a selling point on me?

I mean, it would be pretty cool to have a farm. You go, these are the cows we hit. But if you pay extra, these are the cows we don't hit. I don't. I'm not going to fall victim to your anti-cruity propaganda. I'm pretty sure they're all suffering. So shut the fuck up and get, I don't care if the goat is from like,

the, like, Teddy caca and the milk took a while to get there. I'll pay nine bucks for the blue, the blue cheese. I don't mind that. I will. Yeah. I look, I,

you ever get the grass fed beef? That's all I care about. I want to know they're eating grass. It's good shit. Yeah. The point is, though, after I get it, I just want it in a bag I can carry normally.

I don't, I want handles on the bag. It's not that kind of. complicated. I think it would make me happier to have handles on the bag. And it's a regression. Once you introduce something that makes the world better, you can't take it away, right? But you know, one of your things about shopping there is like, well, everything's cheaper. You know it's cheaper because they don't waste their money on fucking handles on their on their grocery bags. It's not that much cheaper. And again, it's a, I think it, I think that's one of the things where I go,

I would rather have some handles on the bags. I would, you know, there's got to be a middle ground. And it's not just them, man. There's other places that skimp on the fucking bags, too. I just think it shouldn't even be an option. That's like saying, oh, well, you want the bag to have a bottom to it? Yeah, it's got to have a bottom, four sides and handles. That should be the definition of a bag.

I think if it doesn't have handles, it shouldn't even be considered a bag at that point. You know what? You know what? You know what? I'm actually going to go, I'm going to go anti-handle right now. You know how many times I've been carrying my bag in my bag. by the handles and the motherfucking handles rip, they're false security.

That's your caring. No, no, no, no, no. You're caring. You got to, you got to, you got to wait. You got to know what's going on with the bag. And if there's too much stuff in the bag, you can take one or two things out, so the bag is the right weight. If I got precious cargo, I'm holding the bottom of the bag, handles or handles or handles.

I'm scooping up in the bottom. Yeah, okay. I can hold the bottom, but I want, I want both. I want to be able to lift and maneuver from I got trust issues. These handles are just troubled to me. I got fucked. no handles today and that's why I'm pissed I did you know how it you know embarrassing it was I had to bend over in front of my cats to pick up a gallon of milk off the ground my cats are looking

at me going oh oh nice bags idiot I'm like shut the fuck up you fuckers you little bastards no that is that is pretty pathetic I'm sorry that happened it was pretty embarrassing yeah I don't know what type of fish did you get I got I got some salmon I like salmon okay yeah you ever cook some salmon man he's throwing under the broiler yeah and I'm from Seattle I used to catch salmon all the time, you know? I grew up. Oh, man. I got a bunch of fishing videos in my feed now and I keep going, I don't want to go fishing. But then I got all nervous because I found one channel that's just game wardens yelling at you for catching fish of the wrong size. I mean, oh, that's a lot of, ooh, I don't know how I deal with that situation where they go.

This lobster, you can't catch this fucking lobster. And I'm like, oh, that's a lot of authority. I don't want to get mixed up with a warden, dude. You don't mess with a warden. That's a big problem. If the game warden's coming for you, that's a big problem. You don't fuck with the warden. Those channels have a lot of subscribers and I get it. There's something about a game warden showing up and he goes, all right, let's get that ice chest open. And you're like, that is a display of masculine authority that is unmatched in most realms.

Like you're not going to see that everywhere. You know how ridiculously fucked you are when they open up your cooler and you got an undersized fish? Why can't that guy be working at the post office keeping shit in line? And the old Chinese lady can go out there and go, let me see the fish. Oh, that good fish, you good, that good big fish. Oh, that fish too tiny. The Chinese people, the Chinese people should be in charge of the fish.

They know fish more than any other fucking group of people. All they eat is fucking fish. Why are you talking down on our game wardens? I'm not talking down. No, no. I'm saying that they should be saved. They are so important and masculine that they should be saved for an important job, like the male and not fucking fish. The male?

They get to go out and bust. dodgy fishermen. They're doing what they love, dude. That's true. Game wardens don't just, you don't, you know, you don't get DEI for game wardens. All right. That's true. Game wardens show up to work.

I did see one lady, I did see one lady game warden who was like fucking up, though. She was like, she wasn't a game warden. She was like a boat checker. She's like, all right, we got to check the engine on the boat. And the guys kept ripping on her because it was like a sailboat. And they're like, oh, yeah, good luck with the engine over there, lady. and that's nice it doesn't look good for her she'll make her way to a courtesy desk somewhere she ain't for the field dude she ain't out there in the field lady copse lady game wardens yeah get i don't know

doesn't doesn't work all right billy what's your last problem for us here today all right my final problem it's a it's a weird one for me all right is it's solving the lament configuration I'm going to categorize it as, I think, celebrity privacy, okay? Yeah. Because Perez Hilton this week. The beloved Perez Hilton. Had a- I cannot show any stills from this video, sadly.

Yeah. Perez Hilton was on a live stream and did heinous stuff to his body in a, in a fit of, I don't know, mental breakdown. We call it a mentee be. Has there been any other speak of what it was? Well, here's the thing is that I actually got today, I made a video about this and I thought I was very even killed just talking about it. I mean, I said, hey, this guy's got some demons inside him or whatever else. But I got a call from a, or I got texts from Andy Signore from a popcorn planet.

It went, hey, man, what's going on? What's going on with the Perez is like real shit, man? And I'm like, yeah, I know. He had a fucking mental break as they're cutting his skin off. He's like, well, it sounded like you were like goofing on him. I'm like, well, I'm goofing on the fact that, no, I don't, you don't normally turn on TikTok and expect to see Perez Hilton cutting off his skin with a knife. It's a little shocking and weird. That's terrible.

And what happened? So he had sepsis like four months ago or something, which is like what, like an infection, right? Like you have some sort of wound and then it gets infected and you get sepsis. Yeah. And the problem with sepsis is that it can cause a lot of delirium and hallucinations. And so there's videos of Perez Hilton after he had, you know, he went in the hospital. He came out and he says, you guys, you'll never believe it. I met God.

And part of the problem is you want to go, hey, that's great, buddy, meeting God. That's got to be real exciting for you. And then privately, though, you're thinking, oh, that's not good. He's going, no, no, I spoke with the angels and I saw lights. and you're like, yeah, that's a fucking infection-induced hallucination. That's not an actual, you didn't actually commute. You didn't commute with the divine. If I had to roll odds on what actually happened, I'm going to say you probably weren't

commuting with the divine, probably an infection got in your system and you saw a bunch of fucked up lights and colors. But apparently that stuff can stay with you. Sepsis, you can fuck with your brain. And then months later, you had this psychotic break where he's live on TikTok. with a big knife covered in blood. And you went, well, yeah, I don't think you saw God. I think he saw, I think he saw the devil is what I think.

Well, my problem is that after all this happened, it's all over the internet, everybody's like, oh my God, this is the horrible thing I've seen. And they're all talking about it. His family comes out and asks for, for privacy. And the people not to pry into their, to their situation. Didn't this guy's entire career come from gossip, digging into people's private information.

Yeah. I mean, this is the last guy who is deserving of intimate private celebrity privacy. Right. And the worst part about this is I don't care about Perez Hilton. I don't want to dig into his life except now that his family all of a sudden wants privacy that for the first time in his career privacy is supposed to be respected. Now I want to dig into his fucking life. Now I want to dig into his shit. And I don't even care. I just feel like I'm obligated. it due to the audacity. Look. The audacity of asking for privacy for this fucking guy.

It would be better if the family went. Listen, we understand Perez is a public figure and you guys want updates. But it said they're going, you know, well, we're just hoping to keep this a private family matter. And I'm like, dude, that guy was live on TikTok for 20 minutes, cutting his arm off. Like, I think you'll lose. I think just based on what went down, you kind of lose the ability to claim privacy there. Yeah, sorry, sorry. It's asking for privacy at that point is, do you not know the history?

Do you not know what this guy's been through? Every single scene. How many times he crawled up Britney Spears Coochie back in the day? Yeah, he was like the number one guy to get all the celebrity gossip and news and whatever else. I mean, he's not, but here's the thing is like, luckily it's not him saying, respect my privacy, because the only thing he's saying right now is, you know, you know, Like he's fucking still speaking in tongues. In multiple updates, the family have said we're taking, uh, taking things one step at a time. They noted he's able to communicate and asked the general public to respect Perez's privacy and the privacy of his family.

And, uh, I mean, look, this is a, it's a sad story because the guy's got he does have kids, uh, or what I thought is he gay or is he not gay? I never understood that. I mean, you can still have kids, right? I don't know. Well, that's what I'm saying, though. Are they like, are they, they, his biological kids? I always thought he was a gay guy, but now I don't know. Why am I looking at kids on this show? They look like his, dude. They look like his kids. They got the worst features of Perez Hilton and they're going to be the best kids because of it. That's how you build character. I mean, look at this guy's face. They're going to be fine. They're going to be fine. Of course. But they look like their daddy. Well, the nose, I think the nose is the most unfortunate Perez Hilton features. kind of go that upturned nose, which has definitely.

Those are his kids. Yeah, there's some, there's some upturn. You can see some nostril action. You can look up into that guy. Yeah, you can see up into this guy's brain, basically, which is fine. I mean, what are you going to do? It's not a big deal. But, uh, TikTok says Perez Helton's apparent self-harm live stream stayed up 15 to 20 minutes

due to a moderator error. Well, yeah, because the moderator was going, you know, is Perez Hilton cutting his fucking skin off? This is nuts? it was a vile bloodbath everybody was talking about it i ignored it right i was like i don't see that i've been around the internet i've seen it all yeah i watched it wasn't near i mean i don't know maybe it got worse but it was it was like a little performative where i'm like he's having fun up there he's like not trying to hurt himself he's putting on a show he was like

dancing around with it he's like oh look at how much blood is on me and i'm like ah he's just i thought it was like he might have been doing a goof you know because he wasn't like He's not like stabbing himself, you know? He's like going, ooh, ooh. Because Arianna Grande put out a video right before this where she was like covered in blood too. And he had commented on it. So there was like some reason to think maybe it was a bit,

but it was so disgusting. But none of that matters, right? He had like a big smile kind of while he was doing it though. That's what crazy people do. I don't know if he was smiling, but he was kind of like, I could tell he was, look, here's the problem is he was having a psychotic break. But the theater kid in him was like,

well I might as well, you know, have a little bit of fun with it. He's like, oh no. Oh, oh, why would I do that? Why would I do that, guys? That's so crazy. He's having a little too much fun. He's having a little too much fun. I don't want to dig into this any further just because I don't care.

But because they had the audacity to ask for privacy for this motherfucker. Yeah. I feel like blow his ass up. If you can find anything about him, put it out there, drag it out. It's payback now. It's fucking karma. He knew he was doing a performance, though. He can't say they want privacy.

He's like, he was streaming it. He was looking at the camera. He's like, guys, look at, oh my God, I'm so crazy. And you're like, all right, Perez, you crazy. I want to drag him. The problem is that I want to drag him, even though I don't want to at all. I just want to just because they said not to. And that pisses me off.

How much celebrity privacy? like you shouldn't have people showing up to your house and shit like that. Well, I don't know why. Yeah, I agree with that. I don't know why I got Andy Signore. He sent him to text going, you're being a little too harsh to Perez Hilton. And I'm going, fucking saying about the guy. All I said was he's got demons inside him or whatever, you know?

And then I said, God is punishing him for living and sin. No, I didn't say. I specifically didn't say that. I specifically said the opposite of that. I said, no, he's a crazy guy who's seeing fucking visions, you know? all that terrible all that terrible i i wish i didn't have to talk about it but now i have to because this family asks us not to and this prick has dragged every other person along his career and now i i feel like i'm forced to care about this fucking guy now well you know what's just shut up

here we should just said it's sick here's the best part of this is now anytime one of these jesus guys with a big cross goes hey i want to talk to you about getting sober because i got sober and I found the lore. I'd be like, I've heard this before. And you know what that guy did? That guy took a knife and started cutting his fucking skin off. So leave me alone and stop telling me that you found the fucking answer. And the answer is Jesus. Because half of you guys saying that shit are just schizophrenics, including fucking Perez Hilton. Okay. It's not some magical, oh, oh, the Lord found me. No, you were infected in a hospital and you saw a bunch of blinking lights and your fevered brain said, oh, the fuck that is. Maybe it's a bunch of fucking angels and they're

talking to me. And you extrapolated that out because your brain had no other way to rationalize the fucking lights and noise being generated by the parasites rooting around in your brain. So at least now when I get a lecture, well, you know, I found Jesus and he turned me away from alcohol. I go, last guy who said that to me was covered in blood screaming on TikTok. So thank you. Come again. Don't not useful advice. If I have a problem, I will solve it in a way that does not involve praising the,

fucking delusions that came to me in the hospital bed. If the Lord found you, that's a you thing. I don't believe you the second you started trying to make it a me thing. At that point, I'm like, you're just trying to fucking hit me with some bolgia right now. I don't believe you. I'm sorry. If the Lord found you, you should be very happy and pleased. But don't push that on me because if the Lord wants to find me, he could do whatever he did

to you to me. I'm not getting no secondhand fucking God in my life. Look, you just need a good track record. Here's the thing you could say for the Mormons is like when the Mormons say, well, hey, uh, Mormonism got, even Scientologists, you know, you can go, oh, you Scientologists are crazy. And they go, oh, you're going to tell me that fucking Tom Cruise is crazy with all that money and go, oh, they do have Tom Cruise. And they go, oh, you're going to tell me, uh, who's the other good Scientology?

You're going to tell me Lisa, Bart Simpson is crazy. Fucking the voice of Bart Simpson. You go, uh, they do have the voice of Bart Simpson. You know, like as a religion, you need a kind of a track record of success. And I was going to say the Mormons, you meet the Mormons. They're usually like happy people with like stable families and shitting out. Maybe there's something to this Mormon stuff. They seem happy.

They're very good people. But every Mormon girl I've ever met was so close to breaking down and crying. Really? It was very strange. They're they put on appearances. I'm not hearing a negative, Billy. That's just another positive. They did.

They are great people. They really are. Some of the nicest kindness, beautiful people. but if you say the wrong thing, it's like a sleeper cell moment and they start crying. And it's that kind of, it's not my thing. Hey, I'm hearing happy stable families and emotionally manipulate women you can easily emotionally manipulate. Mormonism might be the way to go.

That's all I'm saying. You get to a point in life where manipulating women, the ones that are easy to manipulate, it's just like the level one Pokemon. It's like catching a fucking ratata. I don't need that. I don't need, give me a real, give me a real, resilience. Give me a real sick piece of work, you know.

I'm leveling final bosses here. I don't need no fucking ratata, emotional manipulation. All right, fair enough. The Mormons are like easy. Mormon women are Ratata from Pokemon. Let's run with that. They're cute. Rata are cute, but you don't want to take them home to mom, right?

All right. if this works, Billy. These are in a file format that hopefully yes. Can you hear that? Yeah, I heard that, yeah. All right. Here's a voicemail. This is from Stu. That would be better.

Yeah. Okay, this guy brings up a good point. So, have you seen the trailer for Run, Fight, Hide, Infidels? I haven't. I can imagine what it is. You don't have to imagine, Billy. We can just watch it. That's the best part of media. Let me see if I could bring this up. This is the newest movie from the Daily

Wire who has been just killing it in the realm of media. And it is again, as our caller brings up, starring Jonathan Majors, formerly Kang the Conqueror, is now back as a guy who I guess is going to kill a bunch of Afghanis or something. Let's get copyright. claimed. It's so funny this is a daily wire. So you know, Ben Shapiro was go, hey, can you mention that they hate the Zionists too? You know, like, can you mention the Jews are the good guys in this movie trailer? They're like, yeah, Ben, we'll work the Jews in somehow. You know what the worst thing about this? America under attack. America's greatest allies also under attack. You're like, yeah, Ben, I got it. You know what the worst thing about this dog shit media is?

What? Elon Musk is like. hold my beard he's going to let grok make even worse movies dude i don't even like is this the only stories you guys have to tell is like we hate trans people we hate Islam we hate whatever uh people are saying the video is lagging let me see if it's lagging on stream yard or not not lagging for us right there was a bit of a lag but it's kind of that's up there oh shit jonathan majors looks cool Oh, look at all these fucking antifas, dude. Is that clavicular? This guy?

Is that clavicular? I have no fucking idea. Who do you think this is? The clavicle are the looks maxing guy. Oh, it might be, no. That doesn't, I know what you're talking about. I don't know. Is that him?

Does that what he looks like? I think that's clavicle. The hair is like, it looks like he's wearing like a wig or something. Yeah, the stage makeup, but I think it's clavicle. All right. So Jonathan Majors is a former army guy. and he's the polar opposite of those brain dead protesters. Ooh, sticking it to the lip tar.

Bro, this plays right into my problem earlier. No, this is the ultimate dream of on all sides. White people want a black guy. They want a cool black on the right. They want a cool black guy to come in and kill all the other bad guys. Jonathan Majors puts in work, dude. he's the opposite of a fucking fake-ass professor at Cambridge. Oh, Jonathan Majors is, but like that's the thing, though, is like,

they're trying to make Jonathan Majors their guy. And I go, I don't think Jonathan Majors is your guy. I think he's just being in this movie to take your fucking money. And he should. Yeah, he should. Good for him. He's a good actor. Ooh, they're going to take our women.

So what do we got to do? What do we got to do, Jonathan Majors? What's happening? Why are they using the, okay, so I use, I use this font for some stuff. This is the Captain America font. This is the Captain America movie font. 100%.

The name of the font is American Captain. I use it for a lot of like when I need to make like Marvel shit. Why are they using the Captain America font for this fucking these subtitles? It's so weird. Is that Marvel font, dude? Is this he Captain America? Is Captain America a black guy who kills all the fucking Islam guys? He's Cap' in America.

Oh, shit. Oh, is it like a hostage? movie though that's dumb is it a hostage movie it looks like a hostage situation I thought those were the women that were trying to get convert to Muslim is that not that is that not it

well it's a it's like it's clearly a college campus but the whole movie is going to be a fucking bottle movie it's going to be a bunch of white guys shackled up in this room as they go but you don't understand we support Islam and they go shut up white woman we take all your fucking shit and then yeah

Are you sure? Because I think this is them going to the college campus to recruit, and they're turning down all these liberals that want to join the Taliban or whatever this is. And then they're saying, no, you're not good enough. You're not good. I think they're taking the hall hostage and Jonathan Major is going to have to go Rambo and Kill them all. I wanted him to like, you know, I want a movie where he's like going across America on a road trip, infiltrating sleeper cells.

This is going to be a bottle movie. Harold and Kumar convert to infidel? Yeah, Harold Kumar fucking kill all of the... Well, I can't say that on YouTube, but... This is definitely a bottle movie. And again, the whole movie's just going to be white college kids because this is Ben Shapiro's whole thing. And they're going to go, well, you know, I'm actually a gender queer,

whatever. And I could be a soldier for Allah. And they go, our religion has no room for you. Gender queer. And then, like, fucking shoots a person. You go, oh, my God, maybe Islamic people are bad. Like, oh, God, it's so fucking trans. parent. Look, he's going to little purple hair and fucking LGBT kids. She supported him,

Vito. She supported him. Exactly. This, okay, so the whole movie is, oh, you liberals thought you love fucking diversity, but what happens with all the guys with beard showed up and they sliced your necks? And also, this is just the Captain America font 100%. That's so fucking funny. run high fight infidels premieres in September. All right. Well, I'm glad. Look, I'm glad Jonathan Major is getting work. That's it.

I got no problem with that. I'm excited for that. But as our caller mentions, just go all the way. Have, dude, have Hillary Clinton show up and fucking, I don't know, vomit blood on everybody at that point. Why not? It would be a lot better than this shit. Dude, have Jesus come down from the fucking heavens with a machine gun. go, I am the one true Lord and just, you know, smite the non-believers.

I don't watch. Well, Ben Shapiro can't do that because Ben Shapiro would go. Well, hold on. Not too much Jesus here. Why haven't we had a resurrection action movie yet? Like, like, have we had one where, has there been a movie where Jesus comes back? No. Not even goes nuts.

Just do a direct adaptation, but you think would happen. What would have it? What would have been back and have everybody suffer? Have we not had a movie like that? We had Prometheus, but that was about how... That's not it. That's not it. You know Prometheus's original plot?

Did you ever read the original script for Prometheus? I... They go to that big, you know, that big alien? They go, why'd you create us? I know, exactly. Yeah, yeah. So they go to that big alien. They go, why did you create us?

And he goes, well, here's the thing is we sent one of us down there to teach you our ways and to teach you to turn the other cheek. And you motherfuckers nailed them to a piece of wood. so now we hate you. And then they were making Prometheus, and they're like, listen, really, Scott, it's a little on the nose to say that Jesus was one of the giant alien Prometheus creatures.

He's like, ah, I'll write that fucking shit out. But what's his name? Mel Gibson's making the resurrection of the Christ, right? Is it the resurrection? Yeah, I didn't, I didn't even make it a sequel. That's interesting. People are asking if I'm drinking piss. I got nervous and I had to pee and I peed in the cup.

Yeah. And then I got, I didn't want you guys think it was pee, so I've been drinking it. Nothing. Me more than a little bit of urine. It's a fucking energy drink. I shouldn't. This voicemail is called emptiness. It comes to us from Lorenzo.

Thank you. Thank you, Lorenzo. That was, uh, this show, huh? We got a very stable group of fans with a lot of great things to say. Can it just stay empty, folks? That's the question. Guys, biggest problem. I'm going to tell you to vote on all the problems

at biggest problem. But I don't actually know if I have access to that website. So maybe you'll be able to vote on them. And if you're trying to listen to this on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, I haven't figured that out yet either. So enjoy it here on YouTube for now. I'm still figuring out how all this technology works. I am, believe it or not, talking to Dick

about transferring over an RSS feed so the podcast can propagate. We are maintaining verbal contact, not verbal, hold on, textual contact with the great Dick Masterson. I think I'm sending him emails and I go, what's in RSS feed? And he goes, God damn it, why am I even fucking helping this fat guy? But we're working on it. And we will try and get all that up for you. So guys, vote on all the problems.

And please leave comments. Let us know what you like, what you don't like. Billy, where do people find you? Why are you avoiding the question, Vito? Wait, what question? about the fucking the spaces the empty. Can things remain empty? Why are you avoiding the question?

That's one of those questions. She's got to let linger. I don't think you want to, I don't think you want to dwell on that one too long. Is it empty? If it's, is it empty if it's not seeking being filled? That's the kind of shit that fucking Perez Hilton says

right before he starts cutting his skin off. Okay? I watched that TikTok video. He went, is it empty? Can it just be empty? He's fucking ripping his skin off. So that's why I don't want to get into it.

Because otherwise, I might start ripping my skin off. This is your sleeper cell question. Hammer for two. Here's our super chat segment, Billy. He says, does the new show read superchats? For another two, he says, oink, oink, oink, oink. Schizoshin for five says, if you let Trixie guest host, you might get the ownership scroll back.

Wow. Koo for five says, please enjoy an inaugural. Thank you for not killing yourself in the new era of the biggest problem. don't make me regret it. Riley 5 says, bring back the five minute countdown. It gives people time to get in. It's debatable the countdown. There's pluses and minuses.

But let us know in the comments. Do you think what there should be a five-minute countdown? We did a 30-second countdown this time. We might need to make a new exciting countdown that actually has something going on that people want to watch because the other countdown is just numbers. Jez Carl for 5. Vito, I believe in you, unironically.

Your political takes are dogs. ship you're a funny guy when you try cheers drunken athia studio for two says ray pizzazz hasn't chatted in a while i want to extend an invite to all our beloved past super chatters i've been missing straturgery if anyone knows how to contact uh straturgery there's many others who i'm forgetting but i miss you guys i know a lot of people left because we were missing a lot of shows but i'd love to bring some of the the classics back buttao roberto for five says hey this billy guy is funny does he have a solo show bill How do we find you?

At Billy the fridge on the internet, YouTube, Twitter, X files. And on iTunes, I make music. You can find my music on Amazon and all the other platforms, Spotify. And I do a Law Cow Rewind over in the Law Cow universe if you really like that weird shit. Lowell Cow's going strong, man. And Billy, you even have another podcast every Sunday or Monday. where you talk about magic cards. Is that true?

Magic the gathering. Magic the gathering. Oh, magic the gathering, dude. Oh my God. We're going to be talking about all the newest bilboes and delboes

on the next episode of Ristic Study Hall available at YouTube.com slash draft magic. Dickin Post says, Loll, you brought up Frog Tony's chat, but not the super chats. Okay, man. So I can either read the super chats out of one fucking list or I can scroll endlessly through all the comments from the show and try to

bring them up one by one, which would be fucking awful. But sure, let's bring them up. Let's try it. Let's see. This show sucks. I'm trying to do these in order. Okay. See, they're all out of order now.

God damn it. Why did you convince me to do this? Okay. Ray, present. Here we go. This Billy guy is funny. Does he have a solo show? Yes, he does and we like him.

The show is back and it's black. I wish it was black, but it's not. Slane Oracle for five. Loved you on Drunken Peasants, Billy. Those guys got me into this show in the first place. Hope you stick around for a long time. Move to Seattle. Vito.

Billy, I got to say, I was trying to watch Drunken Pez the other day and I said, those guys did the wrong thing, not keeping you on, man. You made that show. Well, I will say this. I am really good at jumping on dying podcasts. You're kind of the ringer for that. I'm not going to lie.

Anytime it shows on the way out, Billy's like, oh, me, I can step in here and hang out with you guys. You crush this thing. Well, let's hope that we don't end. I think Drunken Podcast is under like 100 live viewers. Let's hope we do a little bit better. Cardinal Bird for 10. Thank you for the weekly show, Vito.

You know it. You love it. And for another two, he says $2. Baldur-Haller. Offen for two. Everyone, don't do that. G, G, G, G, G, for 10. And I thought the idea for the show moving forward was you were going to play frustrated second fiddle to whatever guests you have on at the time or maybe that's too high concept.

I'll say this. I have a guest I think lined up for next show, but I don't want to announce it until it's concrete. He said he should be able to do it. I'll give you guys. Okay, I'll give you a little taste. I checked my phone the other day. I got a text. Here, I'll read the text.

Let me see what the text said exactly. is a man who has not texted me in a while and I want to see what he said Is he a soul ringer? Wish he was a soul ringer. Fuck, we should talk about soul ringers. God damn it. We can't talk about magic shit on here though

because everybody hit the magic shit. Guys, Maddox doesn't know shit about, like I wanted to like Maddox's magic content. Maddox doesn't know shit about magic gathering. It's like shocking. He says stuff where I'm like, what the fuck are you talking? He's like, I can't believe White's doing

damage to attacking creatures. I'm like, why it's been doing damage to attacking creatures for like the past 15 years? What are you fucking talking about? The Sunlance erasure kills me. Dude, Sunlans was branded in 2007 and Maddox put up a short. All right. You know what? We're doing it. We got to watch this short. All right. I said, I literally sent him a message. I left a comment where I said, guys, take this short down. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Okay. And look, I don't have a feud with Maddox. I know Dick had a feud with Magic. I don't know anything about Maddox.

Maddox, I know Maddox has said previously that he's mad he's, he said something about me. He's, oh, that's that fat guy who hangs out with Dick. I fucking hate that guy. I really want us to play magic cards with them, though. I really, really want us sit down with them and play magic cards. That's the other thing is I'm trying, I'm really, and Maddox, I am saying this. I don't hate you.

And I would love to, I think we should make some magic content with me, you, Billy. and fucking chat. I think it would be a lot of fun. But you guys need a third guy on this podcast who can step in and be like, actually, both of you are completely fucking wrong. Make me the third wheel or Billy. Make one of us the third one on Soulringers because you guys like have no idea what you're talking about. Billy, did you know Red is not supposed to have trample? Ball lightning. One of my favorite cards. Or have trample, fucking Herloon, whatever the fuck. There's that Minotaur Lord that is red. Oh, red green trample is huge.

You could say maybe it's getting it from green, but yes, red has trample. Obviously red has trample. We know this. White's not supposed to have burn, Billy. And I will say this, uh, Maddox get like a little fucking makeup under. I'm not like normally one of these guys that goes, hey, you got to clean up or whatever, but I do feel like I'm watching a cancer victim tell me about magic cards. Like, man, he's like sweating under whatever lighting setup they got.

he's got the big fun we can't have a studio well yeah dude they kind of got a set up but I'm going you guys need some nice warm lighting and put a little bit of stage makeup under the eyes because dude he looks like he's dying oh this is what the worst part he goes he was going to say this is the first time

they've ever done it but then he stops himself because if somebody in his comments pointed out they're like they've done it 60 times there's 60 fucking white damage spells oh my god billy interesting at all there's like like a hundred fucking cards to do that. That's the worst part is Maddox

doesn't know what he's talking about. And Chad also doesn't know what he's talking about. So he's not there to go, well, wait, what about these 80 other fucking cards that do exactly what you're talking about? Why are you acting like the first time we've ever seen this? The last set did it with that little common teamwork card that does it. Yes, there's a fucking marble

card that does it. There's an edge of attorney's card that does it based on spacecraft. They don't know anything about magic cards. This is infuriating to me. It's fucking insane. It's in what the think if he just wants to play magic cards but maddox sat down he said i got to do a magic podcast you said wow do you know a lot about magic cards no i don't know fucking shit about magic cards he said okay well that's fucking weird that you want to do a show about them so but he loves them dude that's why

that's why he plays matt i think he only plays commander he have to play him yeah have to play him we have to play chad we have to play the soul ringers i just want to go on soul ringers let me on an episode and then when you guys go, I can't believe white did three damage to an attacking creature. I will rattle off 8,000 cards in white to do three damage to an attacking creature. And you guys are acting like it's a brand new fucking thing you've never seen. But then their podcast would suck. It'd just be you shutting down everything they talk about. Yes, because they constantly say insane shit that is just wrong. It's so fucking if you, dude, it is a magic show for people who know nothing about magic. Because if you know anything

of magic, you're like, well, that's not true. That's incorrect. That's not how that ruling works. Like they'll constantly get the rules and how the cards work wrong. And they're like, well, that means I could bounce back to hand and draw 10 cards. I go, ah, it doesn't work. You can't do that. It's got to go on the stack. So it's just, it's an infuriating show as a magic fan. Unlike Ristic Study Hall, where we typically know what the cards do.

All right. Giscaro set for five says the only people to love Seattle are too fat or poor to leave their house. Seattle's expensive, bro. Well, that's why Billy's on this show. I had to throw him some money to get them on here. The Seattleites ain't making enough to pay their rent these days. Coofer 2 says, look like Dick is still the winner. Ignozy Guzumachian Vives is Vito.

Gratry, no longer the hog. Billy seems larger than you. Yeah, but all my weights below the cameras. You're not seeing it. Katie did for two. Hail Vito. Hail Billy. Hailed the chat.

Thank you. Katie did. Clips available on YouTube. Hopefully she'll be clipping this show for us moving forward. Ozzy Glitzy for two, 50 likes and I go to Dix's house. Nope, don't do that. Mr. Absruce for five. Vote on the problems this week by going to either Billy or Billy's house. Don't do that. AK 48, 48 for 10, good background noise.

Well, doing the dishes. Thank you. Mick Taysa 666 for 10. Billy makes me think of an alternate universe, Perry Caravello, one who has his shit together. Who the fuck is Perry Caravello? Perry Caravello? That's one of the OG law cows. Oh, really? That's windy city heat, man Chicago's finest.

Wow. I see, I don't keep up on all the lolcows because I've tried I've tried to get Boogie to do content with us man. And talking to that guy is like a fucking whirlwind. I go, hey, uh,

Hey, Boogie, you want to do a thing this week? He goes, yeah, I'm going to do it. But this week, I'm sticking it to Keem Star. I'm just done with that guy.

And I'm like, oh, really? He goes, I'm burning every bridge. Me and Keem are done. I'm leaving little cow. It's over. And I'm like, he's like,

I talk to God. He's, another guy who said he talked to fucking god says i talked to god i talked to my priest and i decided i got to love myself moving forward i'm not going to be a punching bag anymore and i go uh that's great man i'm glad to hear it and two fucking days later i see the video and it's like boogie covers himself in jello to apologize to keem star and i go all right well i guess that's the fucking show his uh his big revelations never seem to last more than two seconds He's a manic man.

I love him. We got to get him on the magic show, but he's a busy. He's a hard guy to get a hold of. Ten letters for five, had a girlfriend who was a male carrier. She had a tramp stamp that was a banner that read scenic route right above her crack. No lie, I have the pics. That's pretty badass. If you're a mail carrier and you're getting mail carrier tattoos, I got no problem with that.

Thank you for your service. For two, Katie Dids says, Vito, have Billy come back as much as possible. Hey, we love Billy. But I got to fight Keemstar for him for some fucking. reason. He has them on a lock and key. Go watch our Magic the Gathering podcast. Yeah, that's all right. That's going to be our ticket off this rock. You're doing Monday through Friday. You're doing it tonight.

Yeah, I got to go do it about a month. Fucking Lowl Cow. Sorry. So in an hour, you're going to be doing what's the name of it? And you do Low Cow Rewind. Oh, Cal Rewind over on YouTube. Yeah. Well, guys, check out Low Cal Rewind at an hour. It's going to be a, it's going to be a banger. You're going to talk. What are you talking about on Little Cow Rewind tonight? Well, today, Boogie painted himself like a cow and went out in public to get milked. And unfortunately, the black paint kind of took over.

The white paint was not the dominant paint. That's a pretty good bit, actually. I went out there to get dressed as a cow and all the colors are kind of smeared together. I don't know. Yeah, that's one of those days. That's pretty good. did the ted matthews for two says someone's pooping in the urinals at work cardlebird gives us a super sticker we can't see the sticker here but i'm sure it was a great one uh cardlebird for two says it's

him it's renoxus l j clobbriano for two says billy i want to make sweet love to your accent riley says get boogie on i think i could get them on again though it's just hard to schedule that motherfucker i would add i'd say hey come on on thursday and i don't know if he'll actually show up or not I'll try. He might. He might. Yeah. Hey, it would be good.

If everybody wants to come on here, cross promote. Oh, I didn't even bring up my phone thing. Here's, I was going to tell you who we might get as a guest. Let me see. So the exact thing he said to me was, let's see, let's see. If you'd have me as a guest on biggest problem, I'd be happy to come on. I then said a couple things. that he said it might make for an interesting podcast.

That was KK. Carl from Who Are These Podcasts? The great Carl Hamburger has offered to come on as a guest. I might have him two weeks out coming on, but maybe I'm spoiling the reveal, but we're talking about getting my good, should I stop calling him? I just call him KK. Carl for no reason. He's not even racist. I don't know why I started. It's because I used to have a character that I did in like,

skits with my friends called k k k k karl sings the kk classics and then we would just take pop songs and make them really racist so i'm going to stop calling karl hamburger k k karl from now on i'm just going to call him karl hamburg because he's a good guy and we may have him on the show uh super glue for five says when you're going to have me on the show you're a big one too everybody's been waiting for super glue agnosticuzumaki for two says veto voted for run hide fight Schizophrenisian for two says, do you think empty spaces need to be filled? I, you know, I really, I'm really not sure. Frog Tony for five says,

Glad Vito is saving the episode number one title for my eventual appointment is the new permanent co-host, watch Biggerest Problem with Schizophrenon. That's true. Schizophrencichon is doing his own spinoff, a biggerest problem. Go check it out. Often for two, it says Frog Tony touches tadpoles. Miserable Mets fan for Tussus.

Thanks for taking the deal, Vito. Can I be kid for two great shows. guys, AK for two, you were about to show a text, but got distracted. Yes, I showed it. And Drew says, get Taylor from PCA. That's been another, uh, requested individual. Uh, okay. So, killer content, Carl says, yeah, that's why I call him KK. Carl, because he has the killer content. Carl is the most bland person in the world. He's so bought. Now, I like Carl. Carl, you know who I really don't want to get on this show, though? Producer Chris. I'm a big producer, Chris. I'm a big producer, stand that guy knocks it out of the park uh one more time guys you can find billy the fridge at billy the fridge

low cow rewind available in an hour on the low cow rewind uh channel and of course on our own magic gathering podcast ristic study hall at youtube.com slash draft magic billy thanks for helping us kick off an exciting new chapter in the biggest problem universe i i think fans right now are asking Billy, did you have a good time and will you be back? I always have a good time with you, Vito. Come on. The problem is, the problem is, Vito, now when I come back, I got to bust your balls because people want, people want a villain, Vito. I know.

There's got to be, well, that's been the worst thing as people go, don't just get a fat guy you're going to agree with. I'm like, I'm the argumentative one. We will argue, okay? The problem is if the topic, if the top of your balls didn't see how I was pushing back on the paper bag handles. Look, if the topic is, do we like pizza pie? Yeah, me and Billy are probably going to find common ground. But I think there are a lot of things for us to argue about.

And I do have other guests planned on various sides of the political spectrum, which I'm sure there will be arguments and banter. But again, guys, it's a different show. It's a new show. Leave us some comments. Let us know what you like, what you don't like. And take care of yourself, America. This has been biggest problem.

episode 235. Yeah, that's it. Fuck it. Beep.