The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 237

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

Vito Gesualdi and Karl Hamburger (from Who Are These Podcasts) explore all the latest problems: from workplace shittery to inspiring disabilities

Okay, but it's not like a common problem. It's very common. That's hurting me. I do not deserve to be hurt. So they're supporting our journey. Let's do this thing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the biggest problem in the universe, episode 237, where I told myself I'm not going to do the radio announcer voice guy,

and then I did it anyway because I don't know how else to start a show. It's the biggest problem. All the problems are here, and who else is here? It's my good friend Carl Hamburger who looks very serious for some reason. Yeah, it's under contract. You don't get to say good friend. But thanks for having me on the show, Vito. Good to see you, buddy.

Carl, a guy I know is here. We've met in person once or twice. Sworn blood enemy, Carl Hamburger is here. Somewhere between good friend and blood enemy, yes. Can I call you a friend of the show? Friend of the show, Carl is here, yes. Friend of the show. You're a friend, yes.

You are a longtime biggest problem, listener going way back. Correct. I mean, actually, people were telling me about biggest problem and I was a Maddox fan going way, way back. I bought his books. I was a big guy into his website. And then I discovered that Dick Metterson is way funnier than Maddox and became a dickhead. It's funny how these days you don't hear a lot of people go, you know, I'm a big Maddox fan. You used to get that a lot. Do you remember though? Do you go back to his blog? Yeah. Yep. He had some funny shit on there. We all did. And the funny thing is that he had that picture on the blog of that cool pirate guy. Yep. And we thought, oh, the guy writing this must be like a cool pirate guy. And then it turned out the cool pirate guy was Dick.

Like Dick was the masculine image of Maddox you thought when you got out of the website. You're like, oh, he's a beer drinking guy. He hates feminists. And he's a fucking raging against the world. I think he ran him off his own shell. It took Vito Giswaldi to run Dick off. his own show. No, no, no, no.

You're going to say that Donald Trump getting reelected is what did it because that's what declared Dod Jr. is what you're saying. Actually, I've been trying and it's not working. I've been trying to convince Maddox. I'm like, listen, that dick guy was a bad guy. I think me and you could hang out. We both like video games. Magic the gathering.

Magic the gathering. He has his own magic gathering show. And then I was watching. So I said you copied him with your show. No, no, no, no. I was making magic content years before Maddox. I had a website for this shit. He's copying me.

Sure. But he was streaming. He was streaming his 3D modeling. As we know, he's an accomplished 3D modeler. And somebody in the chat was going, hey, did you get all that information I sent you about that Vito guy? I need you to know, he's a real bad guy. And he keeps saying he wants to, you know, make content with you.

And you got to avoid him at all costs. And Mattis went, yes, I did get that dossier you sent me about Vito. Thank you very much. And I was like, well, I guess we're not doing the Maddox collaboration anytime soon, sadly. So is someone who fucking ruins it for everyone, isn't there? Like, hey, that would be pretty cool to have Maddox back on the biggest problem, whether you love him or hate them. It's kind of neat to get him back on here and someone's got a mugging all up. Look, he doesn't have to come on this show, but I'm like, he should at least come on my Magic the Gathering program.

I mean, we're both prominent magical gathering creators. That would have been fucking great. Carl, you fucking idiots. He's talking about rare cards and shit. Cards are rare. There are many rare cards. It's very exciting to a variety of people. I did review.

I did review Maddox's show. Yes. He came out with it. I think we did a couple segments on it. You did a soul ringers episode? Yeah, we did a couple soul ringers. Yeah. It's hard to get through.

And then when I did a crossover with Dick recently, we talked about potentially reviewing your show. But wow, what a slog. I just even just to make fun of it. My magic show? Such a slog. I invite you to try and make fun of my magic. show. That is expert level. That's what I'm saying. I couldn't make fun of it. There's,

there's nothing like it puts people to sleep. You can't even watch a clip of it. No, the new episode got like 1,500 views. People are going, wow, these guys have insightful commentary on the state of the Hobbit limited, uh, fucking playing franchise right now. Did you know black red is an unbeatable color pair and the new Hobbit cards, Carl, it's very important to people. What's your most viewed video about Star Horse on YouTube? The one, The Last Jedi one has almost 10 million views. Oh, okay, okay. That's what I thought. Stick to Star Wars is my point.

Stick to Star Wars. I like magic. Also, magic. Ah, whatever. All right, Carl. Carl is the king of podcasting. He's got like a million shows and everybody loves all of them. We're here doing this show, which is hanging on by a thread. Yeah. But we did have last week, we had Josh Denny.

Josh Denny came in. And here I have the winners from last week. oh they're all exactly the same because the website is broken and voting's not working so this show's going swimmingly i didn't make the website i know you don't control over anything i know i understand i have to email dick and go hey how does this website work and then he goes you fucking figure it out idiot so i'm figuring it out just call his wife she'll help you i'll call his wife she's a nice lady she loves that we had we had great conversations me and her always about the dog and food all right uh Let's see here. Any other cleanup we need to do.

Just in case anybody doesn't know you, Carl, who are you, Carl? I'm Carl from who are these podcasts. Yes. Started who are these podcasts over 10 years ago as a hobby. And then I got invited out of the Dick Show. And I started as a voicemower on the Dick Show. Yeah. And then I got to go on.

Back then it was like through Discord. It was very confusing. I didn't understand how to come on. And it was, it's very awkward to just be on audio. now there's video. We can actually look at each other and know when the other person's talking or winding up to talk. It's a lot easier. It seems like a lot of,

it's interesting how many people have spun off from the Dick Show. Another guy who was a Dick Show caller was, what's our friend, the lawyer, Nick Ricada. Nick Rickeda. Well, I started WTP before the Dick Show. I was already a established podcaster. And then, you know, was it like a, well, how was, where was WATP's like popularity level? because you clearly have popped off in the last like what five six years sure well i'd already been on the anthony kumia program and i think that was a big push for us wasn't that because you were

shitting on opi like if anyone who's professionally shitting on o p cumia's going to go yeah let's get this fucking guy on well then you do it i could do it i'm just kidding no no i'm just fucking around no but anyway so dick definitely gave me a boost and we have a lot of dick heads who are still fans of this day and i do appreciate everything he did for the show and of course now we do crossover shows a few times a year on our patrons where we make one of fat women. So everyone who's missing Dick who's famously gone from this show and never coming back. You can find him over on Carl's channel and, of course, his own show, the Dick show. I still, I love the WATP clips.

You've been covering Opie. You've been covering this new guy who's like a psychopath, woman stock. Jerry Banfield. Jerry Banfield. And I don't know if you can call him a new guy because we covered him years ago. And he left the internet that he recently came back. He was an author for a little while. He came with books like this one.

I was famous on the internet. Why is he shirtless on the cover? Author and St. Peter's. Why is he shirtless on the cover? Why is his family on the back cover of this one? I don't know. But the guy's awesome. He's great.

We've been covering Jerry Banfield. So we'll be check out our channel. You have it down there at Carl with a K at Carl WATP. And we have all the Jerry Banfield segments. There's a playlist. We'll be covering him. Carl has an expert knack of finding weirdos. drilling down into those weirdos and finding some real good stuff, which I love.

Speaking of love, and what I know we love more than anything, is a very famous segment. And I actually have, guys, we have a voicemail box now. So people have been saying, how do I send in voicemails? How do I send in things for the show? Email, biggest problem show at gmail.com. I may set up an actual voicemail line, but right now send it to the, The email.

It's a Google Voice account. It takes three seconds. I don't know that. I've just learned this. That's the thing is I went, oh, a voicemail line, that must be,

I used to have to do like Skype and shit. They don't have Skype anymore. No, you don't have to do Skype. When did, does Google Voice just give you an email? It just gives you a phone number and they don't care? Yeah, it's free.

Yep. How long have they had this? Oh, many years. I've been using it for many years. I'm mentally retarded. It's okay. No, you didn't have to run your own show. I get it.

I never had a voice. wouldn't know this stuff either. All right. Well, I appreciate people telling me. So I will set up a Google voice line for now. If you have something desperately, you want to get to the show, send it to Biggest Problem Show at gmail.com. As this listener did and sent us this delightful, a little ditty here for my favorite segment called Voted Up. Fated in and played the whole song so we get copyright claim, the intro and everything. And mix it like have ran away. My family's dead.

A comic's not out. Thank you. A Sharra Zard. Yes. Only got a six. Asians in the Costco holding up the line. What should I do? You just voted up.

There's some big list on the website right now. Biggest problem the show voted up. Biggest problem. All right, now I remember why we weren't doing voicemails for a while. People are saying good concept, but wow, do you not understand where the syllables were in that song? All right. Now, I am having, what do you call? I have a new modem coming in.

Spectrum's coming in. Apparently my video quality is dropping. So let me refresh for two seconds. How about now? Has it jumped up in quality and all? Not yet, but give it a second. Usually it'll take a minute. Yeah.

Well, it doesn't even matter about my quality, guys, because you have something much better to look at in about two seconds. seconds because it's voted up with our new voted up news lady our good friend mid salad is here hello mid salad hello how's it going good you know veto i what set up a voicemail using google voice for the okay i got it okay it's super easy i didn't know that it was a thing now that i've learned it's a thing i will set it up all right you got to set it up well guys this is voted up this is the segment where you revisit past problems and put them in a new light mint what news stories have been hitting us from the world of voted up this is from episode 235 it's the problem of not being black that problem centered

around Jason our day the former Cambridge professor at the center of a plagiarism row who has unfortunately now committed suicide have you heard about this guy Carl Jason R. Day. I've not. Well, you haven't heard about Jason our day? This is a big story going around right now. Okay. Tell us about Jason R. Day. This was a guy I brought in. I said, if I was black,

I would have been this guy, although now he's killed himself, so now maybe I don't want to be black. Well, he just, like, he claimed that he was nonverbal until the age of 11 and unable to read and write until he's 18, but also was the youngest black professor at Cambridge.

So he's a liar. Yes. He's like an insane serial liar where he was going. He had a book coming out that was talking about, yeah, and then I ran 30 marathons in a row for charity on a fractured leg. Everyone's like, that doesn't sound correct. And I couldn't speak until I was 18. And they go, now you're a Cambridge professor.

And it turned out, yeah, well, it turned out to be one of these stories where, you know, white people were like, wow, a magic black guy. Let's give him everything. Oh, it's like Eric July, right. Here, take my money, Magic Blackmun. It's a little bit similar. Yeah. Should I feel bad that he killed himself, man?

Because, I mean, I came on this program and I said, well, this is kind of a crazy story that this Cambridge professor. The first thing that started was he was plagiarizing, right? Which is a big no-no in academia. People found out all these dissertations were plagiarized. He was stealing other people's stuff. And then they started to Joe Biden of college professors. Oh, okay. All right.

Did Joe, was Joe Biden accused of plagiarism a lot? I missed that part. Yeah, okay. Well, fair enough. I just know the corn pop. Look, I'm not defending Biden. He was a crazy old man, but, uh, yeah, I don't know, man. I guess I feel bad that he killed himself, but I'm seeing all these people in the UK now going,

well, this is why, you know, you guys hounded him. You reported on him too many times. And I go, I don't know. When, like, with Epstein, should we've been like, hey, this guy might kill himself. We better lay off calling him. a fucking pedophile. You're comparing him to a child rapist? I'm just saying he was like,

a serial child rapist. I got exactly the same. Not exactly the same, right. Not exactly the same, but like people in the UK right now are freaking out. They're holding vigils for this dead liar. I'm seeing like thousands of people paging the street going, he killed himself because the media reported on him too much. And it's like, well, they reported on him because he just fucking made shit up all the time.

Yeah. I don't know. Is there any other details there? How did they say how he died? Did he Did he, the 41 How do you kill yourself in the UK?

You're not allowed to own like a knife or a gun It's got to be a little harder I mean you can own a rope You know You can own a rope The 41 year old is down Hold on though

If you're a black guy And you hang yourself Like isn't that Perpetuating racist Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah He probably drowned

Because you couldn't swim Yeah you could just dive to the deep end That's good point He can just go into a kid, waiting to the kid shallow and go, ah, fuck, I don't know how to get out of here. Yes. The 41-year-old was found unresponsive at an address in Battersea, South London, last Friday afternoon, who's pronounced dead at the scene. Ardei resigned as professor of sociology of education at the University of Cambridge this month after allegations of plagiarism.

He had been the university's youngest black professor, joining the institution. in 2023. In recent weeks, he also faced allegations of exaggerating his biography and personal achievements, including his claims that he was nonverbal until the age of 11 and unable to read and write until the age of 18. UK campaigners are now questioning whether excessive media coverage pushed RDA to suicide, with many suggesting that racist motives were behind the numerous articles. And that's the end of that one. Well, I mean, there were some racist motives, but, you know, it's the kind of thing where when sometimes the racists are right, you know, that's the problem you run into it when the racists go, hey, they only hired that guy because he's black. And you go, well, that might be true, but I don't want you to be the one to say it.

Like, there's stereotypes exist for a reason. You know, if someone were to be like, God, those Germans, they can't drive an automobile, it wouldn't catch on, you know. Yeah, they're terrible at machining. No, they're not. Yeah, right. It's one of these things, man, where it's this liberal. I saw a great comic that it was like a black guy being like, I can fly and a white lady being like, of course you can.

You can do anything and then shoves him off a building. And you know, those are the people who kind of killed him was all the white people around him as he's just lying his ass off being like, yeah, I ran 30 marathons and I'm autistic. I couldn't speak until I was 18, but now I'm a G. You know, he was a phys ed teacher before he became. became a sociology professor at Cambridge. This ed teacher makes more sense if you, you know,

you can't read until you're 18. That's the right job for you. Dude, I bet that guy was the happiest physical education teacher. And all that had to happen was when he started like making shit up and being like, yeah, you know, I'm actually a genius academic with a lot of good ideas.

You go, that's great. Now go teach those kids dodge ball. You know, it's the people around him really pushed him forward that kind of fucked it up for him. Well, that's the, That's the problem of not being black.

Yes, Mint. I have one more. Okay. What do we got? From bonus episode two, it's the problem of having a small penis. I can't relate to that. If you have no idea what the size of penis is. That's a problem for Carl.

If you has no idea how big as penises. You have to get a series of three different mirrors and get the right angle to figure out. I have seen my penis. and, you know, it's fine. What year was that? What year was that? I check in every now and again with a dental mirror, and I go, it's fine. He's doing fine.

Okay, fair enough. Everything's going fine down there. All right, who's got a small penis, mint? A North Carolina man who claims to have the world small as penis might have finally gone a happy ending. He says his recent enlargement procedure was a big success. Michael Phillips. 38 went forward with his penis procedure at a hospital in North Carolina this past Monday.

The procedure involved the injection of semi-permanent dermal filler into his member to increase girth. Michael says the visit was about three hours long, explaining they took him into a room. Wait, increased girth. So it's just a tree stump? Like, if you have the smallest penis, girth is the least of your issues right there. See, that's what I'm saying is I'm like, hold on. If you're injecting into the penis, that would increase length. That would just swell up the tiny penis you already have, right?

You seem like you're the expert on this, Vito. Well, I've tried, you know, home injections. I've tried Swedish pumps and all sorts. But it's the expanding outward that I'm not worried about. Gas station pills. Yeah, you've tried it. Losing weight. Yeah, weight loss, by the way, proportionately your dick gets bigger.

I've tried it. You know, it's not for me. I'd rather resort to injections and look, this guy got it. How big was this guy's penis before? 0.38 inches. 0.38. Wait, so less than an inch? Oh, my God.

Wait, is 0.3 less than an inch? Yeah. But I'm saying, I didn't even know you could have a penis that's less than an inch. How is that even possible? Maybe he's Asian. The head has to be. Then you don't even have anything there. That's what.

Oh, yeah. Who circumcised this man? This rabbi is a genius. The head of surgery. So wait, so he got the procedure, and now what happens? Do you have a bigger penis or not? No word yet on his new size. But they have a lot of details on the entire procedure.

He explains they took him into a room, prepped them with numbing cream and a numbing shot. Hold on, I got to take notes. I got to take notes. I want to see if I can do this at home. numbing cream got it and then what do I what do I inject in there proceeded to give him

several injections of the filler on all sides of his penis being a semi-permanent dermal filler so it's not even why am I just picturing that foam they use for like home insulation the guy gets says yeah it'll be fine just pump some of that in there

expand out you can have a foam penis now it looks like this was crowdfunded so this was actually the future of the internet is that now if you have a small penis, you don't have to suffer in silence. Everyone can help you get a micro penis enlargement

for Michael who raised $13,000 on GoFundMe and he's still raising. He says he does need follow-up appointments to continue to expand his penis out. Oh, here we go. My name is Michael Phillips. I have a condition called micro penis.

Can you say you have a micro penis? I have a small dick. I don't know. It's a condition. I have a rare condition. It's called micro penis. It's made everyday tasks like using the restaurant without a mess extremely difficult for me. My doctor's advised me I must use pull-ups unless I pursue a medical procedure to increase the size and improve my ability to urinate.

So this isn't a sex thing. He doesn't want to have sex. He just wants to be able to not pee all over himself. Sex is the furthest thing from anything this guy will ever accomplish. That's crazy to even think that. man you go up to a girl you go hey the internet help me raise 13,000 dollars for my micro penis. Maybe I can buy a couple drinks. John Wayne Bobbitt did do porn after his wife cut his dick off. Okay. Let's be real. The cuck holding porn is like a big deal these days. You go in.

As care and he loves it. He does. We know people in the cuckold porn industry. I would think you could make a name for yourself or you go, listen, black guy. I just need you to fuck my wife. He goes, well, why would I fuck your wife? Why can't you use you? your penis. And you do one of those zoom ins, it just goes, like a trombone. And he goes, oh, I guess you need tyrone. So she's a stunt penis, is what you're saying. You know, like, should we get CGI for this? You're like, no, no, no, I know a guy. I know a guy. Yeah. Well, this procedure will not cure my micro penis condition. Can you stop calling it a condition? It would make, it would make help. So I don't have to

wear diapers and pee on myself. Since my story was shared in the media, this fundraiser has exceeded its original gold. The original estimate was $6,000. Well, don't say that. Dude, don't be like, but I only need it was $6,000, but now that's you guys give me money. I'm getting greedy. How about $22,000?

Don't say that. Well, it really says right here the additional funds will fund necessary post-procedure prescriptions, travel and lodging. Oh, now he's staying in the fancy microphone. Yeah, right. Exactly. That's so unnecessary. Oh, you're going to kind of breakfast?

Fuck you. I don't need to give money to you. And also support his living expenses and lost income while he's recovering and I unable to work. How's that conversation with your boss? You go, listen, you know that micro penis condition I'm always telling you about? Yes, Michael. Yeah, yeah, we're cleaning up urine off the fucking floor in the bathroom every day.

We're aware of that, Bill. Well, I've got a slightly bigger penis now and I can't possibly work with my slightly bigger penis until I get used to it. And I figure it out. Good for this guy. He solved one of the problems on the board. What was the problem again, man? having a small penis

there you go it's not a problem anymore all you need is $13,000 and some dermal filler also it cost $4,000 not $6K it costs $4,000 and he raised $3,000 man this is a good scam yes and that's pretty much yeah if you want to make that with what you

all if you do is admit you have a micro penis I'm not doing that one it's fine I'll be poor I'm okay and then you got to sit in a chair and have numbing cream applied, which is very exciting. Well, thank you. Mint salad for telling us all about... Yes.

Mint, I haven't talked to in a while. Good to see it. Good to see you, too. Does your boyfriend have any thoughts on this ice dancer thing that's going on with her and Mersh? Have you two talked about this at all? Oh, man. It's got to be an interesting topic of conversation around the house.

Oh, fuck. Wait, is ice dancer tied into schizochon somehow? He fucked ice dancer before Ralph and Mersh. Yes. Really? He's an OG when it comes to ice dancer. Yes. Hmm.

Yeah. Like he, he got in their first and then, like, lied to Mersh about it. Oh, I'll tell you, here's a fun story.

So Mersh punched a hole in the wall of his, uh, his house is duplexed he rents. Yeah. Because he found out because he thought that they had fucked and she lied and then she told the truth. And then he got very upset and punched a hole in the wall. Yeah,

that's true. Yes. Okay. for everyone who has no idea what's going on ice dancer is a woman right ice dancer has so in what she just floats around fucking first schizhan then merch then ethan ralph then ethan ralph kevin scampbolely stavros helkius she fucked stav this is what i hear the town hall that's what she is wow yeah she's a star fucker's fucking stav is pretty good uh so she just broke up lose mers because you seems to be like losing his mind and there's like a like a love note that came out or something.

Yes. Yes. She, she left the breakup. 17 page breakup letter. That Merce sent her. He sent her a 17 page breakup letter. Yes. I heard breakup letter and I assumed it was one page. One paragraph.

Right. Fuck you. Yeah. Wait. How do you write? How do you even write 17 pages about a breakup? They weren't even dating that long, I thought. And she cheated twice.

They broke it up and they got back together. It's a whole thing. This looks bad for Mersh. I'm not going to lie. Yes, it does. Has anyone asked her what she thinks about micro penises? Because maybe I could slide on in there. You probably could.

I mean, she fucked Ethan Ralph. You must have a chance, right? That's a good point. I should roll those dice. But, you know, at this point. Didn't Ralph play out of respect to Mersh? Yeah, yeah. So, uh, and she owns like very performatively fake.

Her and Kevin Scampoli have a 4K butt sex porn that they made just to rub it in his face. Is there a picture of this girl? I can't just look up Ice Dancer, right? The ERs are the three when you look up Ice Dancer. Okay. I want to see. Who is this woman that is? I mean, she looks like a hair.

Look at Vito's just like, wait, I can't fuck this chick. He's all excited. Well, is this her with Stavvy here? Stavvy, baby? I just want to know, like, you know, she's fucking. She's fucking her way around the podcasting universe. I don't know what's going to hear. That is her, yeah.

Yes. That is her. Look at that. If Stav can get her. I could at least get one. That's not the full photo. You got to get the full photo. Wait,

what do you mean? How's it not the full photo? That's deceptive. That's a deceptive angle. Hold on. I just want to say, though, DeVito,

you think just because Stav can get a chick, Stav's a funny comedian. Yeah, he's going to pull up on a trim than you could. Yeah. Yeah, but he's way more of a. fucking bitch liberal than me. So he has that going

against him. That's true. One of the way more, but he is definitely a socialist. Yeah. He's been saying some real cuck shit lately. All right, let me see. Is there a picture of Mersh with this girl? Didn't he take her on a cruise or something? Yeah, but he hid in his room the whole time because he was on 3-0.

I'm getting way too deep to this. I'm not the biggest problem. I know. We should be talking about this. I just wanted to ask Mint if her boyfriend had any inside of us. Oh, yes, actually I do have more. He said that the audio tape of her like moaning was also like when he fucked her it was like very very loud and performative and also her brother was home and like Sean asked is like your brother's home and this is okay right whatever why the fuck of being loud she's like oh it's fine it's like bro

why would you be so loud uh with your brother in the other room and she's mentally ill is the answer but okay go ahead well yeah apparently she's like BPD or something And then also her, didn't Mersh describe her pussy as like a black hole? All right, all right. Thank you, mid-salid. Jesus fucking Christ. That was her aides he was talking about. Jesus Christ.

You get to do confused sometimes, but wow. This has been the voted up segment where we talk about ice dancer screaming and her and somebody sent a terrible song in. I'm fascinated to learn more. Are you covering this on W. I need to see the 17 page love letter. I do a show called Dabbleverse Live. We did it yesterday on Bwine Mike's channel.

And I do cover the stuff on Dabbleverse. I try not to get too deep into the devil verse on WATP because this stuff gets wild. Dude, it's, uh, I can't keep track. How is Ethan Ralph not in prison? Last time I saw he was like beaten up in that girl had cocaine. Okay. You know what? This is why I don't cover any of this shit.

I know. It's just a fucking infinite spiraling spider web. We'll save it. You should have brought in the problem. of a breakup letters though because that is fucking terrible and they're always a bad idea brutal all right I'm gonna I'm gonna kick us off here

with my problem my problem is oh hold on I gotta do comments see I'm still getting used to the show I'm still getting used format real quick I'll do comments Trixie the Golden Witch says that you kicked mint before she could promote their show yes I have a fucking show oh literally in 30 minutes

every Friday at 9 p.m. Eastern. Pacific. It's the biggest problem with Tricky the Golden Witch. Do you go to add Trixie the Golden Witch on YouTube? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Go there. Be there or be square. Say next time. Hey, I have a plug. I didn't know you had a plug. Don't worry. There's a professional here to run the show. Don't worry. They're in the middle of a conversation and you just kicked me off. Black hole pussy and I said,

this is going off the rails. All right. I'm trying to have a show here. All right, Mint. I'm sorry, Mitz out. I apologize for doing those performance. Thank you. Thank you for helping us,

Matt. We appreciate it. Check out bigger. Thank you for having me on. Thank you very much, Mint. Comments from last episode, Crowes asks, can every episode not be a therapy session for Vito?

As this episode is proving, clearly not. Kid Garland says, get a stereos on. We're a big a stereos fan, Carl. I enjoyed him on the show. Yeah, yeah. He was also a flaming liberal, but he was fun. I had a mixed reactions when I was listening to old episodes,

the biggest problem where it always felt like Asteroos was doing a character. Oh, yeah. But then I did hear some of his old bits that he did, and he had one bit that I loved. So I was like, well, he is a funny guy. What about the Cuck Christmas album? It's phenomenal. You know what? I never actually listened to it.

That's great. Like a lot of the old school biggest problem stuff, I missed out on. I think the episode where Asteroos filled in for Dick and got like hammered drunk, that one's not an easy listen. that was tough well you know what if astirius wants to come on i don't even know where that guy is i don't see him making he doesn't want to be any part of this i don't think he does it's the same with maddicks people going dude why don't you get maddox i'm like do you think max really wants to come on here and relive this psychopath shit uh zach almighty says the biggest problem is

veto ducking financial audit with caliph hammer yeah i don't think i'm doing that uh they were asking for a lot of paperwork and i was like this is a bit my Dude, that'd be awesome. You should do that. It would be awesome. I understand the comedic potential of it. Maybe once everything's a little more settled in. It's a me, Yoshi, says, damn, the ending got cringe,

biggest name dropping in the universe, including our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I do think Judge Denny is the first guest to invoke the Lord in one of his rants, something about, I don't even remember what it was. No one can judge me but Jesus or something. And I was like, okay, we can move on from there. And Spectrum says, Josh Denny with the worst take in the history of the show, Josh Denny, who argued against internet anonymity, saying no one should be allowed to be anonymous on the internet. And when I said, well, you know how you like lost your job with all those Antifa people?

He's like, yeah, that should happen to everybody. And I'm like, well, most people don't seem to want that. And that's why we have the internet anonymity. So that didn't go well for him. I think if we had voting active, he would not have fared very well. All right, we're going to do some problems here. If I was smart, I would have some sort of musical sting here. Oh, I do.

Let's do it. All right. Here's my problem is. I've been watching TV. I've been watching movies. I've been trying to watch Game of Thrones, the new ones. Do you watch those Game of Thrones at all, Carl? No, I never got into it.

Really? Yeah, I'm sorry. I know it's popular. Well, what do you watch? What do you, you should do you, you were like Sopranos? Were you a soprano? I watched Sopranos a few times through. Yep.

Okay, good. Watch breaking bad and better call Saul and watched a lot of the popular series. But Game of Thrones. Yeah. Go ahead. Game of Thrones is the reason why I didn't get into it is because it was a couple seasons in. People were talking about it. They're like, it's so confusing.

There's so many characters, so much going on. I'm like, yeah, I don't have that kind of time to invest in something like that. I don't need it to be work and homework and shit. I have to go read the internet afterwards and figure out what the fuck just happened when I just saw. I don't think it's that involved. I think it's about as involved as any. I think it's as involved as the Sopranos. You're like, that guy works for that guy.

That guy works for that guy. That's about all you need to know. But here's the problem you have with modern TV and modern movies. And I think this is a conspiracy theory that I've come up with. Not that even that I've come up with. I've seen other people talking about it. I think it's real. So back of the day, you watch TV and you know what the best thing was about watching TV.

was they knew you had a shitty TV. Jerking off was good too. Okay. And I did a lot of that. But everybody making a TV knew you owned a shitty TV because all TVs were shitty. So the guys making the TV, they said, well, we got to light it. You know, what do you mean light? I mean, put up lights so you can fucking see what's going on.

So even on a show like the Spranos, which had, you know, scenes at night and it had scenes of, you know, whackin guys in a dark hotel room, it still had fucking TV lighting, which was like a little excessive. Tell me you're going to bring up Walking Dead. Please tell me you're going to bring up Walking Dead. Well, I couldn't watch Walking Dead because I couldn't fucking see anything. Can't see anything. Can't see shit. Can't see shit. And that's my problem. My problem is bad lighting. But it's more insidious than just bad lighting because I think there's a reason for it, Carl. We go to see, it usually happens. You go to the movies. You see a movie and it's like, okay, I'm in a dark, perfectly lit theater and this movie has clearly been designed to be seen in this environment.

Like I know what's going on. I can see all the actors. Then you come home and you try to watch it on your TV. You know, you don't always have blackout. Not everybody has like a theater room with blackout curtains and perfect lighting. And you're squinting. You're like, what the fuck is going on? And there's no excuse for TV shows, which were never meant for a movie theater.

You know it's going to get played on my shitty TV. So just crank the brightness, crank the saturation so I can see what the fuck is going. on. Yes. But here's why I think they're doing it. Okay. It's high dynamic range. They want to force us to buy new TVs. That's the only reason they're doing it. Wow. This is a big conspiracy. So these are different entities. The people who buy and manufacture and sell TVs are very different than the production houses that are putting in. They all get together. They're all talking. They're all talking at the bar. They're all going into the editing room at HBO and their going, hey, why don't you bring the lights down a little bit?

Bring the lights down just a little bit. Okay? Because here's what happened. Back in the day, you used to every now and again get a new TV, right? Sure. When's the last time you bought a TV? Like, to replace a TV? Oh, to replace a TV?

Not that long ago. I guess I got a couple 4K TVs when I switched over to YouTube TV for my house. 4K switching off from what, like a 1080P or something? Yeah, from like 1080P. I bought three TVs when I bought my house. in Florida. That was annoying. Buying new TV sucks. Okay, but you're a man of, let's be clear, you're a man of means.

You have a house to fill with televisions. You're probably updating your, you got a, you have a Google voice server. Okay, well, I'll tell you this. All right, I'll tell you this, Vito, because there's a TV in my living room in my house. And I bought my house in 2013. I moved into 2013. I bought a 2012 model HD TV. And that's still my TV in my living room.

it's not even a smart TV. It's hooked up to a computer. I run everything through a computer so I can play anything that I want on there, but it's just a screen for me. I just, I just, I just need a 1080p screen and I'm good. Because they want you watching it and you're watching it and you're going, it's kind of dark. I want, and then in the back of your head, you're going, well, maybe I got to upgrade to one of these 4Ks. Maybe I got to get one of these ultra high dynamic range, okay? Because back of the day, it was all about upgrading what you had.

The TVs would get a little bit better every year. They go, this one's got crisp color. This one's got a bigger screen. And then we went from plasma to LED, the OLED. I go back to the rear projection HD TV. My first HGTV was like two and a half feet thick, you know. So you had to find like a whole room to like devoted to this TV in order to put it in there. So yeah, then you're like, oh, it's a little skinnier.

It's a little higher definition, a little crispy. Yeah. The TV race is over. Now, they tried, they tried to sell us on the 3D TV. That was their big thing. They said, well, we can't just, we've made the TV as small as it'll possibly get. What if we offer them 3D glasses and make some shitty 3D movies? And it didn't work.

No. So they started scrambling. They said, well, if we can't sell them 3D, we have to make everything look like dog shit to convince them to invest in a high dynamic rage television. Now here's the timeline, okay? So first in 2009, we all have. had our beautiful CRTs, no problem with your CRT, still a good TV. Federal government does the digital TV transitions requiring full power broadcast stations to stop transmitting an analog

and switch to all digital. Right. You can't get the airwaves. You can't use the antenna anymore. You have to get an HD TV. Okay. Fair enough. Fine. Then 2015, the UHD Alliance forms. Are you aware of the UHD Alliance? No. U.S.D. Alliance. Yeah, they're part of the Confederacy or whatever, the Confederacy of planets. Okay.

The U.H.D. Alliance from their website is comprised of the world's leading consumer electronic manufacturers, film and television studios. Okay. Carl. You're tying this together. Gotcha. And technology companies establishing performance requirements for resolution, high dynamic range color and other video and audio attributes.

So all these fucking Chinese and Japanese and, you know, fucking Sony and Samsung and all the Hollywood people. I don't know who works there because you're not allowed to talk about it. They all got together in a room and they said, hey, we're going to make everything kind of look like shit because then they got to get these new TVs. In 2016, I think you're like Korea, not China, but okay. Yeah, yeah, keep going.

China is taking some TV. I mean, they're on a roll. You're on a roll. They're getting chips. 2016, that's when the ultra-hd-blue-ray format launches with HDR-10. An ultra-HD premium certification appears. This is the big push. They're going, we got them locked in.

Now we just keep putting out these ultra-h-D Blu-ray format, and we make it darker and darker. So when you try to watch it on old TV, you can't see shit. High dynamic range becomes mainstream by 2019 with Netflix Amazon, Apple, and other services increasing amounts of high dynamic range material with high dynamic range spreading into mid-range TVs. Okay.

So we're now at the point where they're in there. And you got a guy, here's the problem. The guy editing it, he might not even know that this is what's happening, but he's editing it on an ultra-high-deaf, high-dynamic range monitor. Yes. So to him, he's going, yeah, this looks great. But no one has stepped in to slap him in the

face and go, hey man, 90% of people don't have these fucking TVs. Fucking just turn the lights and just crank the brightness a little bit. Some of these movies are like, I tried to watch the Marvel, or what was it, Captain Marvel? Yeah. And I was like, look, I'm upset that a woman's in a superhero movie. I get it. But I'm actually more upset that I can't see this bitch.

Like, this is the actual problem. It's interesting. I don't know. I always thought they did that because the special effects was expensive. So the darker they made it, the less. money and effort they had to put into making the special effects. Some of these fight scenes that you've seen in walking dead and stuff with that. It's like, I don't know what's going on, but I hear the sounds.

It sounds like crazy shit's happening. And maybe it is. I didn't realize it was like they were doing that because it looks good somewhere, some way. Well, I think it's also you have, so you have a lot of new cameras that can shoot in super low light. Okay. And then you have all these like stuck up art school kids going, I just want like edge lighting, like the subtlest edge lighting.

And you're like, dude, TV. movies were genuinely better when you could tell. I think it's also the artistic aspect of it is a bunch of stuck up art school kids are going, well, I just want you to kind of feel the scene. You know, you don't have to actually see what's going on. You just feel the action and the intensity and you're like, no, I want to see

the predator rip a guy's fucking face off. I don't want just like, oh, you see his teeth and like some shit flying up and like a splash of blood. I want to see the fucking thing. TV and movies used to be better when I could see the characters. Can I tell you what makes me a rage? Yes. It's kind of

piggybacking up what you're talking about. A lot of these TV series that I enjoy. And a lot of times I'm watching it on my iPad, maybe I have my AirPods in, maybe on the treadmill. I'll tell you about that later. And what these stupid TV shows do is they have an audio range that's ridiculous.

Like I'm watching a synthetic orchestra or something. There's no reason for this audio range. Compress the shut of it so I can hear stuff. Andor, great example. And you're the only good Star Wars series that Disney has put out. Excellent program. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah. However, when they're fucking whispering to each other, hey, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I understand the characters are whispering. But can you make it so I can hear what they're saying? Because that's kind of the point. Seems like important dialogues that's happening right now. I wonder, okay, so now I'm like, I'm not sure. There's like a variety.

I do think, I do think that they've worked to make everything darker to force me to get a new TV. But I do think there's also an aspect of it where there's just nobody there who's like a normal person with a normal TV. Yeah. Compress the audience. so I can hear everything normally and then make it point enough that I can just see everything because sometimes there's a glare coming in

because the sun just came out or something like I don't need it to be so fucking dark I don't know what's going on. Every time they edit one of these TV shows of these movies they should go okay we're converting a copy to MP4 we're putting on an iPad and you have to go watch it in a busy Chuckie cheese

and if at any point you can't tell what's going on you can't hear the characters go fucking re-edit it and fix it. Right. So for example, the Odyssey, that should be optimized for an iPhone 14. I want to see the Odyssey on an iPhone. Fuck, IMAX. Christopher Nolan famously, though, is like one of the biggest assholes for this thing.

Yeah, I know. Interstellar was one where everyone's like, I don't know what they're saying. He's like, well, I just wanted you to know something's happening, but I didn't want to tell you. And he's like, no, I want to know what fucking space shit Matthew McCona is saying. I don't care. I have a buzz. I'm having a hard time following this to begin with. with don't make it more of a mystery movies have gotten look with the 3d and the high dynamic range

or whatever else and the crazy thing is you go back and again i watch an episode of sopranos i'll watch like some old tv show and i go i don't know this is like perfectly enjoyable it doesn't have completely cinematic lighting and fucking you know the crazy new cameras and the audio's not playing in one ear and then buzzing around like it feels like this is a problem with a lot of is that the artistry and has just gotten so complicated that we've gotten away from just having something that sometimes you want to sit down and not have to challenge your brain to consume a piece of media. Yes. And they've just made this actually like, I don't want to watch new movies and TV shows because I go, this is going to be a chore.

Some fucking film student's going to go, I had an idea. What if the entire episode, the camera is mounted on a grapefruit? And then we throw the grapefruit in a fucking start. And I go, get one camera for wide shots. and one camera for close-ups. You had a good argument. You're starting to lose me now. I don't know where you're going.

Now you're just saying nonsense. What's going on? They'll be like, they'll be some stupid clip where they go, what's that show on Apple TV with fucking the one Ben Stiller makes now? Where they're all trapped in an office? Severance. You know severance?

You've heard of Severance? Familiar of severance, yes. Okay. And then I got to watch clips because this is how they promote the shows now. They go, look how we filmed this chase scene in severance. We had the camera mounted to one guy. and a midget was under his legs and two midges were pushing him on a treadmill. And I go, just have a camera over here.

It just kind of films it and wide. And you can see all the characters talking to each other. So that's what they did with the people who were supposed to be in the newest snow white? They're like, well, we can't give you a job as a dwarf. Because that's apparently racist. So instead of the camera on severance. Yes, they have, they've found room for them. All right.

Hey, should we have dwarves? That's what you got to watch Game of Thrones. That's the best dwarf role ever. They want to ruined it for all the other dwarves. That's the guy who fucking complained about it. That's the guy who got, yes. Like,

well, yeah, we know that you're getting work regularly. It's good for you. But we would also like a job at some point. Ass. You want to know it's funny. Seven openings.

He's fucked up. Anytime I see an interview with a dwarf actor, they bring up how much they hate Peter Dinklage. Like they've all decided that he ruined it for all of them. Right. Because Peter Dinklage, he's like the, um,

Tom boy. The Uncle Tom, Tom boy. Yeah, Tom boy's not the correct terminology. That's a good name for a midget, though. Hey, Tom boy. Come on a wheel.

This is my third podcast today. He's the Uncle Tom of the dwarf community. You're just like, you're not even a real dwarf. Just because you're short. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Everyone respects you as a normal guy.

Everyone loves your acting. Fuck you. It's supposed to be like props. The rest of us are like, I want to dress up like a clown and have fun. Like that. I doesn't be in the Relypop guild, you asshole. Help me out. He's gone, this is just so offensive for me and my people.

I want to be offended. I want the paycheck. Shut the fuck up. Right. All right. My problem is TV. What is it? Bad lighting. That's my problem. And that's the bottom line. Carl, what do you got for us? All right. I introduced this on the Dick Show many years ago. And I still feel strongly about it. Even though I do work from home now, shitting at work. You know, shitting at work takes away from productivity.

And a lot of people, a lot of people go to work to shit. Now, there's a well-known phrase. What are you talking about? What do you mean a lot of people go to work to shit? They wait until they get to work to shit. Yeah. Now, Vito, there's a pretty well-known phrase out there. It's called shit, shower, and shave.

And that's in a specific order for a specific reason. Yeah. When I get up in the morning, I shit and then I shower and then I shave. I don't always do the last thing, but I would do the first two things. Because you want to be clean. I want to clean out that asshole of yours. There's a lot of assholes who, who decide, I'll wait for shitting until I get to work.

And their mentality is this. Oh, boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time. And I want to tell you, there's a lot of people in the chat right now that I think we're like, yeah, that's why we should at work. That is loser think. That's why the boss makes a buck while you make a dime. Do you want to be the guy making a buck?

That stops shitting at work. Get productive. Get some fucking work done. Surely you're an asset to the company. Hold on. As a proud work shitter, I'm going to defend the work shitters of the world. I knew it. I knew you would be.

I knew you would be, which is another reason I should vote this one up. But go ahead, Vito. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because hold on. Okay, look, let's say you do do a morning shit. Okay. It might be fine. But you are going into a place of work.

You don't have control over the thermostat. You don't have control over what kind of brand of coffee they make. They could be creating a situation, which is a poop. generating environment, and then you just got to deal with that? What temperature makes you shit? If you go from a hot temperature, no, if you go from a cold climate into a hot climate, it warms up what's inside you. I've never heard of this.

That's why. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're getting Taco Bell breakfast in a way to work. It's nothing to do with the fucking temperature. If you live, and you're on the East Coast, okay, famously, what, New York? So in New York, when it's cold outside, if you ever notice, you'll get out of the car, you're in the cold, and then you walk into a store, a warm store, okay, and you go, huh, I don't know what's going on, but I got to go to the bathroom in the store now. And then you have to use the bathroom at the store because I have bad news for it. I have bad news for you, Vito. This is a you problem.

You're not, you never, you don't shit at the grocery store. You don't shit at the Target. Never. No, no. You shit in your house. Well, that's part of you. Part of the reason I moved to California is that the climate stays equal inside and outside, so I never have an emergency temperature shit that I have to take. I don't want to talk too much about your bowel movement habits. It's not really the point of this segment. The one who brought it up is your fucking, all right. What I'm telling you, what I'm telling you is that you need to get your body regular.

And I used to have employees when I was a, you know, a partner at a company. And I would tell them it's very important to train your body to shit in the morning so you can spend your entire day. doing what you need to do. Hold on. Hold on a second. You went to employees and told them they needed to train their body to shit regularly. Yeah. That sounds like a lawsuit. That sounds like invasive shit.

Haven't been sued yet. Did you go to the ladies of the company and you go, hey, listen, this whole period thing, we got to get this on a schedule. No, see, here's a thing. I have a certain chart with me here. You can bleed at home, honey. I ain't got time for this. this why is it there's certain professions where we wouldn't put up with them shitting at work let's think about this there are certain people like a bartender should you imagine your bartender has to

take a shit at work um i'm sorry my cocktails been dry for 10 minutes i'll never come here again think about bartenders are not shitting they don't under you shitting no they're not also told you your bartender doesn't shit where did you hear this also football players could you imagine i'm a big bills fan as you know, Josh Allen, fourth quarter starting. We're down by a field goal. Josh Allen's like, all right, well, put the bank a bit. I'm going to take a shit. You know, it's like, no, no, no, no.

There's no shitting in football. Get out of the field. Let's get a game winning drive going, motherfucker. That's why they're calling the timeouts, okay? They have a series of complicated hand singles. It's a 30-second timeout. How about a game show host? Could you imagine a game show host?

That's a good point. That one I would relate to. I go, well, you can't. You can't read just in the middle of millionaire. Didn't go, hold on. I got to take a big dumper. But they have commercial breaks. You know, commercial break.

But here's the thing. Here's the thing. We know it can be done. And yet we don't hold employees to these expectations that we should have. And I'll tell you something. There's, here's the reason why you should be concerned about this. I did a study. And I found that office workers spend up to 80 hours a year.

shitting at work. You know what that means? It's two weeks. And then they go, we only get 15 days PTO. Yeah, you know why? Because you're thinking up 10 days PTO, shitting at work. If you shed at home and then came to work, we'd give you more vacation time. Look, I have heard the statistics that a lot of, but they're not shitting.

A lot of employees are going to the bathroom to fuck around. Like, I did that in high school. I'd be like, I don't want to sit through this class. I'm just going to the bathroom and the, dude, it's play on. my phone or some for some people it's their smoke break you know like when you're not a smoker or other people are smokers they keep getting breaks all day long you're like well i'm sorry i don't smoke cigarettes do i get breaks no only they do so these guys come into there's like i shit a lot you're like well fuck you man we all shit i just do before i get here like a normal competent adult

doesn't amazon keep track of how much you're shitting they better they better i don't want to pay a fucking die more than i do for those products um Here's the other thing. Amazon has, hold on real quick, Amazon permits employees and delivery drivers to use a restaurant when needed. But through a combination of strict electronic productivity tracking, rigid time-off task metrics, and distant facility locations create intense pressure on worker shitting. So you can, you can socially manufacture a situation where your employee really has to get it done quickly. All right. I'll tell you what.

You don't want them to shit at all, though. that's the weird thing. Correct. They shouldn't even, like, get a quick one in them. Just get it out at the beginning of the day. Should it out. Here's the thing. When I was at the office back in the day, I don't go to an office anymore.

I had a nice little corner office. It was nice. The men's room was right across the hallway from me. And because of the way the building was built, there was no ventilation. There was no fan you could turn out. Oh, okay. So people, I'd see the certain suspects. If you walk over to the bathroom,

Oh, boy, here we go. And it would stick like shit. You're sticking up the place. That's the other problem with this. You're sticking up the fucking place. And it sucks. Stop shitting at work. That's my problem.

Shitting at work, voted up. You ever have a bad, uh, I do have a bad shitting memory where I probably should be more ashamed of this is a, I stunk up a comedy club one time. Yes. I went to a, no, not the green room. It was before the show started. Okay. Me and my buddy are waiting for the comedy show.

And I'm like, I got to take a fucking dumper. And he's like, well, they got a bathroom back there. So I went in, took a shit, stunk up the place. They had like no ventilation, no fan going. I'm like, well, I'm a paying customer using the bathroom. You can't argue with that, right? Comedian takes the stage.

Camel Nangiani did five minutes on the fat guy who stunk up the bathroom. He went, where's that fat guy who fucked up the bathroom? He doesn't have that much of an accident. But I was like, yeah, that was me. I'm sorry. So that was the only time I ever interacted with Kamail Nanjiani was after stinking up the bathroom. I wonder if he remembers that as he's high and tight in the chat. If you disagree with Carl, we've never had an employee.

Thank you, high and tight. Yeah, I was going to say, this is a this is a one percent or problem. No, no, no, no, no. Also, stuttering John is the proletariat is shit and Carl. You got to deal with it. Stuttering John when he used to answer the phones on the Howard Stern Show would sneak off into the bathroom for 20, 30 minutes at a time. and now Eric the actor's not getting through on the phone line, Jeff the drunk.

I mean, these are real problems that we have. You're saying the Howard Stern show's quality would have gone up dramatically if Stuttering John wasn't shitting as much. Thank you. That's what I'm saying. Vote on. All right. Even though voting doesn't matter because people knows how to run the website.

Yeah, exactly. Voting it up doesn't do anything currently. Put a Twitter pullout or something. I'll figure it working. I'll figure it out somehow. Not allowed. Why don't you do a pay toilet? Then you can get a little bit back from them.

That's smart. That's smart. Maybe I'll buy the Kiss pay toilet. I think that's actually against the law. I think that's like one of the things that the, you can't charge these people. All right. I want you to be inspired, Carl.

I've got an inspirational video here, which I think is going to lighten your heart. And what's the name of this individual? This right here is a very inspirational individual named Dayton Weber. Do you know Dayton Weber? I don't. Well, Dayton Weber tragically lost his arms and legs at a young age.

You would think that would stop most people. You think they'd just give up and live on that welfare dollar and shit on their employer's time or whatever, a bunch of layabout. But thankfully, Dayton Weber inspired us all by becoming one of America's number one cornhole champions. Let's see him in action. Oh, right in the zone. Look at that smile he's got there.

And Blake is an opponent can't get it in. As you can see, he's gripping the cornhole bag with his little stubs there. And he's going to launch it right into the red zone. I'm sorry, he's going over the line. Is there an official that one's officiating this? No, but his legs aren't going over the line. His stumps are. That's different.

The rule is if a foot goes over the line, he's got. And he's got no feet. Yeah. He's good to go. Well, here's the problem is you get all inspired. You feel this like, whenever you see a disabled person, there's all these videos of disabled people being like, here's how I brush my teeth. Here's how I go about my day.

And I don't let anything stop me. God's blessed me or whatever. And it's all a fucking lie. Dayton Weber, quadruple ABT and professional cornhole player, has been accused of a deadly shooting in Maryland and indicted on first degree murder charges. A grand jury indicted the 27-year-old limeless man in connection with the shooting of 27-year-old Bradwick Michael Wells, who was found dead in Charles County in March.

They got into an argument over drugs, guns, and women, and somehow the armless man who was driving... Okay, I will say this. If you are being driven around by an armless man and he manages to pull a gun on you and kill you, you've lived life wrong. open the door and get out the amount of time it must take him to fumble around in his disability pouch to find a fucking firearm hey hey hey what is that is that a gut what do you do with that

god eyes on the road eyes at the road yeah yeah you got a lot of time fumbled around he drops it twice picking up his little fucking shit yeah yeah this must have been the most embarrassing shooting out where you're like hey man come on what are we doing put that away just get out of and run. What's he going to do? Chase you? Just knocking out of his fucking stubs. He can't be holding with a hard, strong grip. Boop. Here's the worst part of this story.

There was four people in the car. So the other three people could have went, stop, knock it out. Well, the other two were laughing hysterically. So what were they going to do? So after Stumpy shoots his friend, he then goes to his buddies. He's like, hey, you guys got to help me bury the body. And they're like, no. They get out of the car.

He drives to the hot. because I guess he like shot himself as well. Good word. And again, he's now in jail awaiting trial. So here's what I'm going to say is, wait, hold a second. This isn't the first amputee athlete to murder someone. Wasn't there? Okay. Go ahead. You see where we're going. Okay. Let's go. Here's the problem with get hyping up these amputees and letting them overcome adversity. It starts getting in their head. Okay. Because we had, of course, the blade runner, Oscar Pistorius, a man who lost his legs. And again, whereas most people would wallow in misery, he had blades attached to his legs

and became kind of unfairly the fastest man alive. Everybody else said, well, yeah, because you're running on basically springs, you cock sucker. Like, obviously you're faster. He's like, no, no, it's just I'm that much. I'm so inspiring. You're like, it's the opposite of inspiring. It's like, why don't you just give him the bottom half of a car and then, oh, he's the fastest guy?

Well, yeah, because he's got a car for a body. I'm not the same. It's a $6 million man. You're like, wow, this guy can jump really high. It's like, well, yeah. It's the opposite of an inspirational story. It's, of course, the man who has fucking springs for legs is faster. That's not inspiring at all.

It's just a matter of fact. But anyway, we let it go to his head. We said, wow, it's so inspiring what you've done. That's incredible. And he's like, wow, I'm so great. I'm like a god. I'm going to go kill my fucking girlfriend. And then he killed his girlfriend.

He shot her four times through the bathroom door. And he said, oh, I thought it was like a robber. something. And you go, why would a robber be the fucking taking a shower in your bathroom, man? He goes, I don't know. I just started firing. Uh, so here's what I think happens is God is punishing these people. And we just need to go along with it. And we need to stop trying to reverse God's will. That's a good point. When God gives someone a disability, it's because that person is inherently probably a bad person or they've done something to upset God. Oh, dude, Michael with the micro penis.

Oh, things are not going to add well for that guy. God's like, no, no, no, he deserved a micro penis. Point three eight is the most he deserves. I get this guy's a fucking prick. Do not play God and try to reverse my will. Yep. Okay. People ask why I don't get my teeth fixed.

This is why. This specifically. Okay. And look, it's a lot of times it's hubris. A guy gets too full of himself and God is punishing him. Christopher Reeves took on the persona of. Superman, a flying God. Okay? And God went, I don't know about that.

Christopher Reeves was strutting around town. He's going, I'm Superman. I'm the greatest man who ever lived. And God said, I'm going to flip a horse on top of you. And now you're paralyzed forever. And instead of going, oh, well, now he's a tireless disability advocate, you have to go, well, yeah, God punished him. You know, we're not going to reward him. He's got to take his punishment. I'm still waiting to see what he does to Michael J. Fox. You know, so far Michael J. Fox has avoided killing anybody with his Parkinson's. but clearly you must have done something to piss off God.

All I know, and then you got, you got Helen Keller is a great example of these people are disabled people are liars. Yes. And people around them are liars. Okay. I don't know if Helen Keller was in on it, but there's all these stories like, did you know she flew an airplane? You go, what, into a fucking building?

How? She's blind? It's like, oh, she wrote all these books. And then you're like, well, how come the books she wrote are exactly the same as these books that were written five years prior. Have you ever looked into the Helen Keller shit? Yeah, I hear it's all bullshit. I've heard about this.

I haven't looked into it too close. I'm too busy with going to the moon. But yeah. It's the same thing with, and I've been really obsessed to this thing lately where they think autistic kids are psychic and they've been trying to test them for psychic powers and it says a whole fucking rabbit hole.

But then you go, well, how is she communicating? How is Helen Keller telling you what she said? He goes, well, there's a lady who's with her all the time. who translates for her. And you go, is there a, is there a second lady? No, no, just the one. Yeah, this is like how morbidism started.

Yeah. Right. You go, how do you, how does she know what she's saying? Well, it's interesting. How the color goes to her hand and will sign into her hand,

you know, and we'll like make letters in her hand. He goes, ah, because it kind of looks like that fucking deaf blind girl is just kind of squiggling around. You're kind of just saying the shit. Wasn't there a dude who did LSD and then said that dolphins can talk to him or

something like that? I'm communicating with dolphins. You're like, well, sure. You know, if you say so, yeah, they're speaking of language that you understand. Okay, why not? I'm just, look, this all your whole life, everybody's always like, you got to be, you got to look at disabled people and like, look what they're living with.

And, you know, you got to look on the bright side of life because you were born with all your faculties or whatever. And I think we're just looking at it all wrong. I think, you know, you got to go, you know, you don't got to be mean about it. We got to go, okay, everything's right in the world. You did something wrong or your parents did something wrong and God punished them with a disabled child. You know, there's a logic to everything. Yeah.

Because when you start going against God and being like, look at how great this Cornhole guy is. He just starts killing people. Yeah, the old testament, man, he's a vengeful prick that God. It's true. It's true. Yeah. The best, uh, did you ever watch BoJack Horseman? I have, yeah.

What are the best, I think the best line from that where they're like, why does everybody like George Clooney? He's not God. he's just an old man who loves pranks and the Todd goes, well that does sound a lot like God that is the best summary of God I've heard in a while so my problem is disabled inspiration don't allow these people to inspire you

they're all just waiting to turn and kill and murder and lie I don't trust any of them and neither should you great problem that's the bottom line Thank you. I like it. I got all these buttons here. That's terrible.

I'm not using that one again. Carl, what's your last problem for the show? I have a quick anecdote. It's a true story. A big thing happened to me this morning. Something to celebrate in my household. Back in February of this year, here in New York, we have these tall recycle bins.

Big blue bins. And you put all recyclables in there. You drag him out to the curb every day. A truck comes by and takes them. How many. How many. Do you have to deal with in New York? It's just the black and the blue?

The blue and the green. Blue and the green. Okay. So blue is recycling. So back in February, you know, we had a very snowy and cold winter because global warming didn't happen. I'm so mad about that. But whatever. And a plow truck comes through.

It's not how global warming works, Carl. Right. Because they changed it. Because they changed it because none of the things lined up. Yeah, it's global cooling now. Now it's climate change. Climate change. Right, right.

Whatever thing happens, that's because of that thing that we predicted 20 years ago. That was completely off. All right. So I have my recycle bin out there. And it gets thrown into the street for whatever reason because the recycle guys are clumsy. And then a plow truck comes through, takes it out and smashes up the bits. Yeah, the wheels are busted off. There's holes in the bottom.

And so we're like calling the city, hey, you know, a plow truck, check out our recycle bin we need a new one in order to recycle and they go yeah yeah yeah just put the old one out by the curb we'll come by and we'll replace it for you so we do this for weeks turns into months and I'm the asshole neighbor who's just leaving his broken recycle bend out by the curb just an eyesore my my lawn guys have to come and move it all the time and it's just a pain in the ass for everyone we keep calling the city hey can you can you come it's still there we still need to the nothing nothing nothing so my wife is like well what are just to do the recyclables we're throwing them in the garbage out they're like yeah that's fine oh okay I thought that was a real

problem is that what the city said the city said just go nuts yeah just throw it in the garbage like okay so we're just throwing everything in the garbage whatever and uh this morning i'm in the office which i have a window looking out to the street and i'm getting ready for the creep off and editing a cop cam video together you've already had your shit for the day because i would never do that on showtime yeah that is that is correct i had mexican the night before It was a very liquid poop, but satisfying nonetheless. Slid right out. It slid right out.

My wife is in the garage, getting ready to leave for work, comes running through the door. Carl, Carl, look out the window. The recycle bin is here. Holy shit. A truck shows up with a brand new recycle bin. So finally, after all of these months, it took, it took, what, eight months or whatever it took. Yeah. We finally have a new recycle bin because there's a lot of inefficiencies in the government, even local government.

But whatever. It's exciting. Are you excited to recycle? No. No. It got me thinking about recycling. Do you remember, Vito, there was a time when we would spend a lot of time separating our recyclables. We got the cardboard over here.

We got the cans over here, the bottles. Everything had to be separated and then we'd bring it out. And then they'd carefully like, okay, this goes in this slot. That goes in that slot. And it seemed productive. So we spent a lot of time doing that, right? Then one day they're like, all right, they're onto us. We're not actually recycling it and shit.

Just throw it out of, just throw it on one bit and we'll fucking sort it back of the plant. Are you really sorting it back in the plant? It seems even more expensive and it's already cost too much and as efficient as it is. But they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just do that. So like, all right, fine. I mean, I'm not complaining about it because I just throw everything at this giant bin and wheel it down to the curb, which I can start doing again starting today. Does the recycling like help them at all? like, you know, maybe it gets them started with sorting it.

All right. So a little helper there. All right. So let me explain this. So it's a feel good ritual. It has nothing to do with the environment at all. Recycling was started as like this thing is just like, God, people feel bad about wasting so much, especially Americans. They were just constantly.

I do. I do. I'm with you, man. I drink a lot of beverages and they're just one use fucking bottles and cans. I just throw it out. I had these metal rods in the garage. And I started having like a little breakdown because I was like, if I put these in the dumpster, like, is that metal going to get found or is it just going to rot forever under the ground? And then I looked it up and they're like, ah, maybe a magnet will pull it out of the trash.

And I'm like, okay, I just have to trust in the magnet. I don't want to waste. Well, why do I care about metal? What? Well, why are I so worried about metal? They want you to feel virtuous. And so they give you a good feeling for no reason. Oh, you're recycling.

That's so great that you're recycling. You know, it actually costs more money to do. this recycling thing that it does it's just like throw shit in a landfill if they're actually collecting sorting cleaning transporting all of this takes more time and energy than it would just to throw it in the landfill so that's actually counterproductive to do that yeah it turns out that most recycled materials are not economically or environmentally superior especially for plastics and paper well haven't they figured out that like most of the plastic they thought they could recycle it's just like a complete fucking waste of time yeah can't actually be recycled

or something. That's correct. Economist Daniel K. Benjamin, he wrote a book called Eight Great Myths of Recycling. And in that, he argues that recycling paper can pollute more than making new paper and claims that saving trees is overstated and misleading. This idea that we're saving trees. It's a renewable. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's part of it is this American superiority,

which we don't follow up on, and it doesn't make any sense because we've integrated. So if it was just white people, people, I think we'd all be recycling just so we could go, feel morally superior to everyone else. But then you look at like other countries, look at India and they're like, ah, just chuck it in the river. I don't know. This fucking matters. You know, we want to feel better than those people, but we're not. India's not great either. I'm not going to tell you they have the right system. But here is one of the biggest problems. Government involvement makes it way worse. Because listen, if this was private market and recycling was profitable and efficient and made sense,

then I'd be all for it. Unfortunately, There's taxpayer-funded programs and mandates that keep the recycling going even though it doesn't make any sense. It's just wasteful and it doesn't do any good for the environment. Here's a perfect example. Yeah. I actually researched this because I've been wondering this for a long time

because this is a real problem. Maybe this could be the problem. Maybe I made it a little bit too broad like I did social media when I came out. No, no. Recycling is good. We've never touched on it. The only recycling we ever touched on was Dick not understanding why he's not allowed

to put dog shit bags in his neighbors recycling bin. I go, because they don't go in that bin. Nobody wants to put poop in with their recycling. And he literally could not. That one, I think in the comments, they were like, listen, man, I understand, but you can't put poop in people's recycling bins. All right, let's talk about that. Let's talk about deposits on bottles and cans. My entire life, if I bought a can of Coke or a Sprite, I could take that back to the store, get five cents when it was done. Did you do that? Were you? one of those guys of course you were you were a nicoler you were you're going over there i'll tell you

why nicolin your way through life even even going into college we'd save up all the beer bottles and cans and make runs every few weeks and hey look at this i got 48 bucks yeah yeah all right let me tell you the history of this so oregon was the first state that was effective in nineteen seventy two five cents per bottle vermont followed in 73 main in 78 as well as michigan 78 Connecticut in 1980 Iowa 79 Massachusetts in 83 New York my state in 83 California 87 Hawaii just started doing it in 2005 here's the problem This became an actual industry for homeless people homeless people went yeah, we don't work anymore We just collect these things that are all over the ground this is my job

They're in the garbage they're out the ground I put them in a bag I walk them back and I get money for it this is my job now which worked okay in the 80s. Problem is they haven't raised the fucking deposit. There's only three states. No, there's only two states that have raised the deposit. Oregon raised it to 10 cents in 2017. And Connecticut raised it to 10 cents in 2024. Where I am and everywhere else, Michigan's always been 10 cents,

but everywhere else it's always been five cents. Five cents in 1983 is very different than five cents in 2026. I would imagine. With inflation, that's probably like 20. cents i would think oh i bet i bet it's crazier than that yeah i bet it's crazy i bet it's i bet five cents in 1983 is probably worth half a buck in today's money you can get a hamburger lunch for 85 cents back in 1983 for sure for sure yeah so think about that you've taken these homeless people and you've you've had all this inflation happening all around them you're like yeah but your

industry yep you don't get a raise ever there's no cost of living adjustments you're just fucking screwed. Your industry. These people are drug addicts. They don't fucking know what's going on. They're crazy schizophrenics. So there's like, we just recycle cans and bottles. This is what we do for a living.

I still seem to this day, I have people emptying out my recycle bin in front of my house. That's what I'm going to say. That's the worst part of it is that you create an industry that encourages recycle because I have people go in my dumpster. Aside from Scho, I'm like, get the fuck out of my dumpster. Hey, Schenzo, had a lot of fun in there. All right.

And they're digging around throwing trash everywhere to get a fucking some coat cans and shit. Yep. I have guys who bribed the homeless guys by living the Coke cans by the front door so they won't go digging through the trash later. And, uh, so I'm not asking for a large deposit because, you know, I'm just throwing all my empties in my recycle bin before that my trash can. I didn't have recycle bin. So I'm not like getting the money back. I'm asking for a larger deposit. But isn't that odd?

That's the only thing that the cost doesn't go up on. They never decided like it. should be more than five cents. It's because it doesn't work and no one's using it. 30% of all of our recycled goods. We're like, oh, I'm going to be in a good boy. I'm putting this in the recycle bin gets shipped overseas. Oh, great.

And it mostly goes to build Chinese apartment buildings. It looks like. Well, it went to China before 2018, finally in 2018, China started a national sword policy where they're like, stop sending this shit to us. This is just weird to have enough fucking pollution over here. We have enough trash. Yeah, we don't need. shipping us trash.

So now it's going to like India and Malaysia and Vietnam, Indonesia, Thailand, Turkey's taking it. Well, they dig through. They want the electronic waste, but like are they taking our like fucking newspapers and aluminum cans too? Yes, yes. And it's just going into. I always see pictures of like, what do you call it? Like Indian children covering their hands in lead and cobalt to try and get at the gold and side some broken down fucking server or whatever. So the government again is subsidizing this.

They're like, hey, if you take our recycling, we'll give you money. And they're like, yeah, we'll recycle it. No problem. They're not recycling it. They don't have facilities for this. They don't give a fuck. And so a lot of it is just getting burned up or going into landfills and just becoming more contamination. And we're pretending like, well, hold on, hold on.

Hold on. Now I'm kind of on board. If we're burning our trash in a shit hole country, it's better than burning it here. We're burning plastic. We're burning plastic. Hey, if we got to bring the plastic, send it to Africa first. That's fine because then I don't got to deal with it. Now, here's the one exception.

Yeah. Aluminum and other metals are actually recyclable and are worth money for a reason. They do the right thing. They're able to recycle it. That's why you can get money from scrapyards and you can do that. Unfortunately, we're sending way too much of that overseas. And then they're able to fucking use it for their infrastructure. Like, we should probably keep that stuff because we could use that for bridges and things.

We should only send them the shit recyclables. Exactly. ones. That's a good plan. Recycling is bullshit, as Penn & Teller once said, voted up. Well, there's also another angle of this. So when I lived in Oakland, California,

a. A.k.a. A lot of that. The place that has a lot of real fucking problems going on. I think that was the only time I ever got a letter from the city being like, we're going to fine you money

if you don't start sorting your recyclables correctly. You know, I didn't even go down that road because like in the UK and stuff, they literally go through people's trash and make sure there aren't recyclables in there and you will get fined. But I didn't know that happened. It's a government. There's also a government money making scheme of like, this is just another pointless regulation where we can hand out retarded fines.

And I go, dude, a guy broke into my car on that street yesterday and the cops didn't show up for a week. You're telling me the guy who comes by to check if there's a number two bottle in a number one bin. you got plenty of fucking money to pay that guy, but you can't get cops who don't rape. There was a big rape scandal going on in Oakland at the time where they had to fire like 25 cops

because they're all running a train on the same 14-year-old prostitute. And he went, maybe hire some cops who aren't serial rapists and not worry about what's in my fucking recyclable bin. Yeah, California is far. It's infuriating. Dude, Oakland's the absolute worst. Oakland is one of the problems on the board.

I know you're in a band. If you ever get invited to play a show in Oakland or the Bay Area, please say no. Because every single band I know who's ever been like, we're playing a show in Oakland, two days later I get a call from them that our van got broken into and all our equipment got stolen. I go, yeah, I've heard that story about 10 times. Yeah.

It's a shit hole and recycling will not make it better. That's the real problem. You're like, well, if I keep recycling, what happens? Basically nothing. Life just continues being shit. the city you live in. It would be one thing if all the recycling was like, and this is going to pay for a park. This is going to, right. I don't know, pay for a waste treatment plant. It's just like, nah, I don't know when none of this does anything, there are no tangible fucking

benefits. I wouldn't be mad if they started the recycling programs like train people, assuming that one day we'll get the technology, we'll be able to figure it out. We'll just get people used to doing this, but it's still lying to us like it's like, it's like, ah, not to bring up COVID, but it's one of these things where, you know, Fauci was big into like, well, just tell them. that anyone can get AIDS. It's just scare them enough that like, you know, just to mitigate the situation.

It's like, don't just be truthful with us. Stop lying to us. It's annoying. The government, see, the government lying to people is what drives people crazy. It's why you can't be mad that there's conspiracy theory,

conspiracy theorists. Because you're like, well, yeah, because, you know, during COVID, there was a sign at the table being like, please don't take your mask off until you are served your food and beverage.

I mean, ah, COVID, the virus that goes into remission when it spots a beverage. It's like completely made up bullshit. Do you remember being on an airplane and you'd like have a, you'd have your snacks? You'd be able to do this. Yeah, yeah. Sir, put that mask back on if you're not eating a peanut right now.

You're like, well, I might eat a peanut in a sec. Get that mask back on. Right. It makes people insane. And I think the recycling makes people insane because you do. It's one of those things. Matt, Sesame Street tells you to recycle, right? Of course.

Since you're a kid, it's instilled in you. It also tells you that minorities are good people. There's a lot of bullshit propaganda on that program. Have you ever Have you ever investigated Elmo's dad The character they introduced during Black Lives Matter? What the fuck with that? Do you think that guy would stick around

If that was really Elmo's dad? It was kind of great that during Black Lives Matter Elmo's dad shows up And I don't think Elmo harassed him like Well, you bet the last 40 years, dad He's just like, well, I was getting cigarettes Shut up, I'm here to tell you about institutionalized racism, dummy. It's just, man, you grow up thinking like, when you're young, you're like, this is great.

Like all of us understand recycling is important and beautify your community and take care of the disabled and whatever else. And you grow up and you find out it was all lie. It's all shit and nobody knows what's going on. So just ship it all to China and let them deal with it. Vote it up, recycling. Vote it up, baby. Vote it matters because. Voting doesn't work.

None of this matters. All right. How to make it work. I'm almost there. I'm doing all the problems. We've been happy to have our good friend Carl Hamburger here tonight. Carl, where do we find you? Who Are These.com is the best place to find all the things that I am up to on the YouTube channel.

Head over there, subscribe to it. I do live shows with Who Are These Podcasts on Wednesdays. my buddy Adam Bush and producer Chris. And I will be on with, uh, Kaya Orson, the great Kaya. And I will be doing a little, uh, bonus crossover show on Sunday, noon Eastern. I think we're going to try to do that on both of our YouTube streams at the same time. Reviewing podcasts where they advertise themselves or market themselves as

podcasts to fall asleep to for women. And they're the most heinous true crime shows you've ever heard. Women go to sleep hearing about serial rapists. and serial killers and just the worst most horrific shit. And they're like, and then we wonder why they're all psychos. What is going on with women? Okay. What's that lady who like drowned?

Did she drown the kids or strangled the kids? What's that story that's going around right now? Do you know what I'm talking about? Could be more specific? There's a mom. The woman who killed the kids. Yeah. Lindsay Clancy killed her three children.

Oh, yes. Right. Yes. Yes. And I see these, like, vigils of all these moms. She was suffering postpartum psychosis. She told her husband, she's like, hey, the reason they're getting her is they're going, well, this is premeditated because she told the husband like, hey, you know, go out,

have a real fun time. Right. What do you mean? She's like, just go get some pizza. Take all the time you want. And then I think drowned the kids or some or strangled them. And I'm seeing all these women outside the courthouse going like, well, you know, having children is a burden.

I understand what she's going through. And I'm like, what the fuck? What do you mean? You understand what she's going through. How often are you thinking about strangling your kids? Every day. Every minute of every day. And they listen to these true crime shows.

They're not listening to it for entertainment. They're listening to it because they're researching. They want ideas. That person to get away with that. All right. So there's another mistake you can't make. It's a fucking fantasy for them. They're like, yeah, one of these days.

I'm just going to get. And now I'll know the buzzwords. Well, it was postpartum depression. your kids 24 yeah but you know i never really got over that birth i got a voicemail here it's called it's from yofo moop let's see if this works if you know is mr cream pop i just got one suggestion for you can you hear this at all it's quiet that's way too quiet all right i'll bump that one i don't have any way to bump it up so we'll have to remaster it later uh here's one call from stew the biggest problem the universe is writer depression.

Recently, George R. Martin said that he's been really depressed and he can't finish a song of ice and fire. We all know the truth is that he's just really sad that everyone hated the ending he wrote for the final season. I feel like someone on this show can really relate to George R. Martin. No, I can't. In fact, you know, many ways, George R. Martin is like a littler version of one of the hosts of the show.

No, no, no. Because look, mine's coming out. mine's got pages I'm printing it this month that's my plan so I have no idea what you guys are talking about this is coming to us from Patrick Bell let's see is this a video

what the hell is this guys don't send it send it can you not send an M an MP3 or something everyone's sending me these weird fucking like dot move files and shit I guess next time I'm going to have to convert all this some of it dot MOV but yeah that moved

well yeah I know Now I got to, I got to convert. Diaspora. Diaspora. Diaspora. Also, turn your audio up. You can barely hear you over, Josh. All right.

Well, everybody. Fair enough. Diaspora is the word I could not pronounce. And these other two. Diaspora. Thank you, Travis. Guys, don't forget, send your voicemails to biggest problem show at gmail.com. And I will set up a Google voice number.

I've also talked about. And Carl, you're a big fan. of this service. I sent a text to Patrick Melton saying, how do I get these super tips? Yeah. And Patrick said, don't contact me ever. No, he said he helped me out. Okay.

I wouldn't be surprised if he did say don't kind of be ever again. Don't contact me. No, he was like, you got a super tip that, Gigi, you set it up. So you can do it on your own now. It's all, there's a tutorial that Patrick made that you probably said to the link on YouTube, right? Yes, yes.

So I'm going to check out super tip. very cool system. I know Carl uses on his show. I do. And yeah, I mean, there's all, I sent you a message because look, I'm let's be clear, I'm the talent. I've always been the talent. I just show up. I make the funny happen. Now I got

to manage all these HTMLs and RSSs, you know? A bunch of nerd shit. I also transitioned. Who are these podcasts? I started in 2016. Oh, really? What's your new name? No. All right. Who are these podcasts are in 2016?

with my buddy Kevin and Kevin managed our lipsin he recorded everything he edited he put it up he did all the stuff and I was a talent I just showed up cracked wise whatever episode 58 after that he text me and he goes I don't want to do this anymore no no that sucks so I said we do one more episode with me and then when you show me what you do and so I also he was actually liked to be still so it wasn't like a dick Madsison situation with you so he actually showed me what he did how to like how to do it he gave me the log ins and he showed me how to do stuff so I had to transition to that but I know I know what that feels like it sucks going through it and also I was very resistant to the video element aspect I never wanted to be on video I just wanted to be a radio guy

I like podcasting but here we are well I don't know if you've ever considered this carl but you know if you're worried about your appearance you can always become beautiful using new technology how's it going you look like Mersche fucking yuck is that the same funny thing is my It's like fat skinny, fat skinny, fat skinny. That's fun. I'm a beautiful Asian woman. All right, we're going to do some super chats here. Guys, get your super chats in.

Let Carl know how much you like him. And of course, go to at Carl WATP on YouTube. Who are these podcasts? Great clips you guys post on there in the full audio podcast at who are these podcasts.com. Popsculture too says my good friend Carl is here. This will be good. Yes, good to see a pop sculpture.

Dick Peninsky garbled audio. I think we fixed that. Principle to uncertainty. Oh, and you know what? Sometimes people send Superchats before the show starts, and I think sometimes this automatic thing misses them. So let me make sure we didn't miss any super chats. Let me just address Pissible Uncertainty with the 5-5s.

Do it. Curl, are you sure you've not seen my phone? So I was just doing a show called this little piggy on my channel before this, which is the show about Aaron Hymolp from the Steel Toad Morning Show. Had a great time with Patrick Melton. Nobody likes onions and our buddy Moody. And principal uncertainty was in the show. they're going, hey guys, seriously, has anyone seen my phone?

And it was an ongoing gag that he had going. And he brought it over to this show, which I appreciate. He loves a very drunk. You got to love some consistency. Yeah. So we did miss some problems that did not get seen before we went live. And I think some from last show. So let me get those as well.

Cameron for two says the new show still read super chats. And for another two, he says, oink, oink, oink. So those super chats are definitely working. from this show. We had a big super chat before we even went live. $20 from John C. Wigger. Vito, your problem last week about spoiled Asian kids

is absolutely a real thing. I used to work with someone just like that. Her dad was a pharmacy tech for a hospital, but she pretended like her life sucked. Carl, have you ever noticed the phenomenon of Asian kids wanting to be oppressed, but just being from rich families that pay for all their shit?

And you got to go, hey man, your dad paid your way through fucking, a medical college. You're fine. Shut up. Yeah, it is odd that we don't consider the minorities because they're like, well, you actually earn more than white people. So, oh, remember they tried to do stop Asian hate and we went, guys, you don't get, you don't get to piggyback on Black Lives Matter. Black people, I'm willing to entertain the thought that some of their problems are due to racism. You guys are fine. My favorite, my favorite commercial aired during the Super Bowl and I still see it to this day. There's a Jewish kid who's getting teased at school for me. I know exactly what you're

talking about. And the cool black kid who's how the football team walks out. He was just like, hey man, I got your back. As if there's ever been a black guy just like, I'm going to be front of that Jew over there. It's never happened in the history of high school. Dude, the guy who paid for that, it was like some, let's be real, he's a rich guy. He just said, I know how to stop everybody from making fun of the Jews. And ad where we fantasize about a big black kid helping us in high school. Right. Did you ever see, okay, did you ever see the movie the that Stephen Spielberg put out. This movie is insane.

It's like a biography of Steven Spielberg's early life. And you watch and you go, oh, you should not have told anyone any of this. This is horrifying. Half the movie is about how Seth Rogan cucked his dad, that his mom was sleeping with Seth Rogan or whoever the Seth Rogan was playing and his dad got cuckolded. But it's portrayed as like, yeah, but she was like a free spirit and an artist, so it was okay. And you're like, no, your dad was a cuck.

That sucks. But then the second half of the movie is they move to a part of California full of white kids. And the white kids keep making fun of Stephen Spielberg for being Jewish and putting bagels in his locker and shit. And then one day he goes out and he films their beach day at school. You know, they do a beach day. And he focuses on one big, one athletic white kid, you know, playing volleyball. And he makes him look like an Adonis spiking the ball and his athletic triumphs. And then the white kid comes to him in the whole.

hallway and Steve Spielberg thinks he's going to get beaten up again. And the kid's crying. He goes, I just didn't know you could make me look so beautiful. And I'm like, is that your Jewish fantasy? Is that all the white kids are sitting around waiting for you to put them on film? This is fucking weird, man. Is that what inspired the top gun scene, the gayest scene in all of cinema? Well, Spielberg didn't direct top gun. No, I know. I didn't. You're saying the general spirit of Jewish filmmakers wanting to show white guys being beautiful. I think there's something there.

I love Top Gunn. I never saw the new ones. I've heard great things. I saw the, I think there's only one, right? Is there another one? It's not the new one. I think they're working on a third one because that second one made like a billion dollars. Dude, they shoehorned in Val Kilmer. Holy shit was that depressing. What a depressing

scene that was. Like, ah, he had to come to visit the guy. He could just call him. He looks like, shit. God damn. We got to show him with the mouth cancer. Well, the other Depressing cars, you go, hey, what happened to that hot chick from the last movie? Right. And then you look up pictures of her and you go, oh, never mind. I mean, but he could have called her and been like, hey, remember when you were a hot and not an old weird mom?

I'm getting a lot of shit right now because my band was on a local news channel this past Friday. I saw that clip. Hold on. I was interviewed. I was interviewed by them. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

I don't want to watch it. But I was just going to tell you, I'm getting a lot of shit right now because I said it's our 25th anniversary this year. the isotops. They're like, oh, all of you guys? And I said, no, no, I'm the original member. We've had different members throughout the years. And they asked why that is. I said, well, because the gogo dancers age out. We have to get new gogo dancers in the band. And this female anchor, she threw daggers into my face with her eyeballs. And I didn't realize how offensive that was. People with the chat are mad at me. All these things are happening. They age out. We got to get rid of the women, which is a real thing. I mean, this is like,

you're just talking about top God. You know, stop talk about it. Tom Cruise. You don't talk about. Hey, what happened to the last Rintin'10? We don't talk about it. He didn't die in the fucking well. Shut. Shut up.

You fucking show business, man. You feminist cock, shut the fuck up. This is, I'm just talking about realism. I'm talking about what's really happening in the world. This is Hollywood, bays. They're happy and, you know, they decided they don't want to be a part of the band anymore. You didn't go, well, they're old skanks now. Some of them got pregnant.

A lot of our Google days is leave the back and the pregnancy. Christ, girl. I didn't say that. But no, I found out, um, because Lucy. typebox told me this afterwards. She's like, you know that she was very offended by that because news anchors have that same issue where they age out and there's a younger, woman that reads the news. I was like, oh, shit, I do think of that.

Like that's something that she thinks about every day. And I'm just like, yeah, we got rid of the fucking old hags and got these new chicks in here. Well, let's be real. The local news is bringing you on is like a goofy local interest story of like, hey, it's these guys. They wear stupid costumes and play dumb music. And you're like, yeah, it's suck out those old hags. you got to get rid of them or whatever.

Listen, you need a little media training, Carl Hamper. No, the media needs to trade on me. I don't know what to make that show interesting. I'm too hot. I'm too hot. I'm bringing the hot takes. I saw somebody who was like you were making like 9-11 jokes on the local news or something. I was like, I don't know.

It was the tamest night 11 joke ever or whatever. What are you going to do? Well, you'll never forget our next show, New York. Let's see. John C. Wigger says pretenses a couple weeks ago, I left a mean comment under one of Eric July's shorts calling him a word salad chef. Of course, he responded to it.

Dude's way too much fun to mess with. Yeah, he's very easy to bait. LJ. Claverino for five. Carl and the creepoff, have you done the creepiest woman porn star yet? Maybe a round two. That's a good call. I like that idea. Yeah.

AK for 20. Shout out to Vito's dad who happens to be dead. R.P. R.P. Big John. Pop sculptor for two. We did that one. And we are now caught up. All right, here we go. Jack Rockstar for five.

Carly, some dynamite drops this episode. Always look forward to crossover reviews of women's podcasts. Yeah, Jack Rockstar has been instrumental in bringing us great fodder for our crossover shows with Dick. I have some, I might send you some recommendations. I don't know. We love that. Well, Koof for two. Thank you for two. Thank you for two.

Most unexpected episode in the universe. Principal in 30 for 10. He nearly got away with it until he claimed. a black man learned to read. That was Jason R. Day. Where's the section where you read comments? We did it. Kay shifts as I heard Brendan Shabh,

Trug Wallace, Ice Dancer. Probably. I got to catch it. Dude, I was ignoring the Ice Dancer stuff because I was like, oh, Mersh broke up with some Ehor. Okay. I didn't realize it was a train of Ehor fucking snaking

throughout the entire dabbled verse and extended manoeverse. Yeah. Fascinating. I haven't talked to Ethan Ralph in forever. Are you still feuding with Ethan Ralph? Wasn't that a thing for a hot minute? Yeah.

I mean, I don't think he thinks about me very much, but yeah, he sucks. He's the worst. You know, he was playing that porn star, Scarlet Hampton for a while.

Is she? Yeah, well, he went to visit her. Yeah. She got caught with, she called the cops on him. Why?

Well, he got arrested or something. Yeah, he got arrested and went to jail while he was visiting her. and then Mersh was having this whole victory lap on his stream about. He was all celebrating this thing. And then Ralph got out, no problem,

back to Mexico. And then Scarlett just recently got busted with 30 grams of cocaine, which is a lot. Well, it seems like it was at the same time Ralph was there that they were like interviewing. That was the second time Ralph was there. Yep. Okay.

So they were interviewing her about Ralph. She went to the hospital. And as she was in the hospital, some nurse looked at her bag and found a bunch of cocaine is what happened. Yes, yes. And she was trying to say, well, that's Ethan Ralph's cocaine, which is a good excuse. Sure.

You go, no, that I've watched cops. That evil Mexican who hit me put a cocaine in my purse. I don't know. I feel like that you could get away with that line. Do you know how much 30 grams of Coke is? Even Nick Raked didn't have that much in his house when he was busted. I guess that's a lot. You typically have a gram.

Yeah. Well, that's why it's, I don't know why she had 30 grams. But why would Ralph have 30 grams? He ain't got no money. Why do I get the feeling I'm going to get a message from me? Anytime I talk about Ethan Ralph, I get a message a couple days later going, I heard you were talking shit about me on biggest problem. No, I just literally have no idea what's going on with you.

That's not the Ralph. I know. He doesn't like to any confrontation. Widow Bell for a huge 99-99. Says, I still wish, listen to the WATP, TDS crossover episodes every once in a while at work. Carl, please God, do more of these with Dick or Vito. Didn't you do one with Dick like a month ago or something? That's been a couple months, yeah.

Okay. ideally veto because dick is spinning out. God bless both of you crazy critters. Thank you for the 9999. Yeah, I need I need you to tell me how to get the good sound effects because I'm using the stock. Here's mine. Here's what I got. I have heartbeat. Why am I going to use that for? All of these are terrible. Oh, I got a boo. Let's see, boo large. I got explosion. Wait, what was your boo? These are all terrible.

What was your, I didn't hear the boo? Oh, wait. Maybe it's just playing it for me. and it's not playing it for you. Add, I have to. This is the boo here. Oh, that. Now, you need this one. Boo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Open and Anthony had that one all the time. You got all the hot Simpsons drops to the people. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Forgot the Simpsons guy over here. Look. That's, that was true.

The time to Simpsons. That was good shit. All right. Cody for five. Carl's a great guest knows the show and hates Vito just enough to fit right in. There does have to be a little. animosity. So I appreciate it. I appreciate it. You did. Uh, Jay, just did a couple little barbs. He's a fat boy. All right. Jay Braddock for two, bring his stairs on the show. He does

a podcast. Tell them to reach out. I don't know. I've literally never talked to the stairs in my life. I know basically nothing about him. Riley, Petty John for five. May Carl, the permanent co-host. You need to have a skinny co-host. I do agree we need a skinny guy. I just see 25% of the gross going forward to do that. God damn it. All right. I give you 25. give him 25. I'm getting fucked every which way, but Sunday. Got Buster for five. Congrats on improving biggest problem in the universe. Thank you.

LJ. Claberino says Nidji with a registered trademark sign. Chad's missing upper lip. Is this Chad? I'm always interested in the Chad Zumach saga over on your channel. He's currently raising money for a, or he's got enough money. He's going to do a comedy special, right?

Yes. Yeah, he did a go fund me for his comedy special. And now it's all a mystery where the money's going. and whether it's especially to be shot or not, he will tell you anything. And he's kind of a scam. Him and is it, what's the Brennan? What's Brennan's first name? Kevin.

Kevin Brennan. Yes. Kevin Brennan is fascinating to me. He's like utterly obsessed with how much money he's making on Playboard. Yep. To like the point where he's like, people come on. They go, hey, you made five less dollars stay on Playboard. He goes, well, actually, if you check the gross, I made more.

There's a new thing now. there's this dabbled dashboard, the flimsy greenberg. Is that what it is? I want to use. Yeah, go to dabble dashboard.com. If you go underneath the, I forget what the, yeah, it's leaderboard right there. Click on leaderboard. So Kevin Brun is obsessed with this.

And now he has to look at this. Now this is daily super chats, right? So you brought in 261 today. That's pretty good. Well, hold a second, though. So 20161, so it's calculating super chats because it can see that. But I have super tip. You have super tip.

Yeah. So does Shulay. Shulay is super tip. So does Perry Caravello. So there's a lot of people who are making money outside of this. But Kevin Brennan, the way of super chat. So he looks at this and determines whether he's winning or not. And you can toggle.

Yes. You can toggle by day and a week and all the shit. You're not number one because Carl, you have a Patreon too. Right. Yeah, yeah. Of course. But anyway, that's the point. I'm not trying to compete with, you know, dollars raise.

You should. Because Kevin is obsessed with it. It's all he talks about. The format of a show, and same with Sit Down Zumach there. Oh, they're talking about how is money they make and who's giving them money and where they're going to get money tomorrow. It's retarded. I think, I don't know if I qualify for Dabble Dashboard. Do I have to do way more Dabbleverse content to get listed on here?

You're not the Dabbleverse. I'm not in the Dabbleverse. I want, I'm like, I'm like on the outskirts of the Dabbleverse. Do you want it on the Dabbleverse? I have tried to get you. There is still, I don't think you've ever covered it. The sit down of Stuttering John, Billy West and Jackie and joke man. I know.

I know what you're talking about. Dude, that's a great clip. I have no idea. You never went through that. It's too well produced. It's too well produced. I don't know. But it's just so interesting how both Jackie and Billy clearly don't want to talk to

Stuttering John. And anytime he says anything, they're like, yeah, okay, John. It is fascinating. I'm surprised Ray Bauer's doing, is in the top 10. Yeah, look at him, making it some box 45, 92. He's in L.A. At one point, he was sad posting on Instagram saying he wanted to go to the Back to the Future Meetup at the Puente Hills Mall. And I tried to send him a message.

I'm like, I'll drive Ray Bauer to the Pointe Hills back to the Future Meetup, but he didn't get back to me. So I don't know Adam Bush is my co-host on Wednesday. I do, yes. Okay. So, oh, you might have met him. Anyway, so Adam has reached out to Michael Ray Bauer because he was don't. For those of the guys who don't know, Michael Ray Bauer was donkey lips. on salute your shorts.

On salute your shorts. Yes. And so many other great roles. And Adam Bush was also a child star in Nickelodeon. What was Adam Bush on Nickelodeon? I knew you were going to ask you that. Was he like a, he was actually on a major show or whatever? Yeah, I'll look it up.

I don't know because I didn't, I didn't watch the show. I'll try to save you. I should know what my buddy is. Oh, the mystery files. Oh, the mystery files of Shelby Woo. I remember that. Yes. That was, that was.

the ultimate Asian representation. She was solving all sorts of crimes. Right. So he's a main character on that. Anyway, the point is that he reached out to Michael Ray Power to be like, Hey man, I also worked in Nickelodeonian child actor, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And donkey lips is just like so concerned that he's getting goofed on. Like he doesn't trust anyone. He's just like, nope, would not get together with Adam Bush. He had his best intentions. There's something like endlessly fascinating about the, the Nickelodeon child stars. Because like they all grow up with this weird, like, not real celebrity, but enough celebrity that other kids recognized you, right?

I knew a girl Lisa Foil, she used to be on, hey, what is it, all that, the fucking sketch show or whatever. Yeah. I'm like, wow, is that cool? Like, how are the fans? She goes, some of them are cool. Some of them want me to pour slime on myself or make videos of me covered in slime or send me a compilation of all the times I got slime that I went, oh, yeah, that probably did

give a bunch of kids weird sick fetishes that they've carried with them for their entire lives. It's got to be kind of weird to be a girl on Nickelodeon. Watching green go cocky videos. I asked Adam. I go, dude, you have something like really popular in high school. Here you are in like a TV show. It's always like because the shows that you're on are for like a younger generation than high school obviously.

So everyone thought I was like a theater dork. Nobody cares like, wow, that's that's crazy. You think you'd get on TV. But that's California though. The problem with California is it's like you're just going to high school with people. No, my buddy was. He was not in Long Island. California.

Yeah, he moved there afterwards. Dude, my buddy was like teaching. He was like, and he didn't, he wasn't a real teacher. He was like the adventure wilderness guy because he was like a fucking hippie and he would take the kids on hikes or whatever. Yeah. And he'd just be like, yeah, you know, like Billy Corgan's son is in my class and like fucking slash his kid is in my class. I'm like, get some. And he's like, I just don't know how to make a dollar. And I'm like extort the children of celebrities like everyone else in the valley, you fucking idiot. Tell them you're hosting a one time. Wilderness Retreat and it's $10,000 ahead. They don't care. You got it. I'll figure it out. Yeah, he was too he was too pure for this world. All right. Chad's missing up her lip. Carl doesn't like pooping at work because he can't

eat it there. There's a rumor going around that I eat poop. Daniel Adams follows it up for two saying Carl only eats the poop. My God. Rex section for five. My bathroom's adjacent to the bedroom. I don't want to hear my girlfriend explode the commode every morning.

So I make her wait until she's at work. Oh, okay. Fair though. Riley and Francis, shout out to KK.K. Carl.

I really got a catchup on the creep off. W. Guest Vito. I'm making a mental effort to not continue calling you KK. Carl. I don't know if I ever, you ever heard me.

You missed you. I don't know if you ever. Oh, really? Yeah. Riley and Friends is a great supporter. I don't know if you've ever heard that, but me and my friends, we used to have a character called KK.

Carl, who was a lounge singer, who only did racist covers of famous songs. That's fun. which I can't even do. Hang a dirty from the old oak tree. It's K. Carl sings the KKK.K. I had a brilliant idea for a game show.

Yes. So you're familiar with the match game, you know, the celebrities, you know, match, match, match, the stars. What if we had racist match game? So it'd be like Ray, what's the day, Ray Claibord, would come up and you'd be like, the house next door to me was purchased by blanks. You know, then you got to guess what the answer.

I think it's got lags. I don't know. I could be wrong. There could be something there that it's just constantly leading you into a very bad place. Yeah. This dirty blank won't turn down his stereo. Fuck. Oh, fuck.

And there's a timer going and you got that song going. That that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. Yeah, they're all sweating. That's what I'm saying, man. This thing, uh, there's something to this. Yeah, I think so. Uh, big brain, small brain. Yeah, there you go.

Uh, uh, uh, these dirty blanks are ruining my property values. Blanks. Can you give us more time? There's no, and we cannot extend the timer. Uh, big brain, small brain for five, you know, Carl, clearly what biggest problem should be from now on. I hope to see Carl on my own super terrific game show. I did just participate in the big brain, small brain game show. I got an email from him.

I responded to him immediately. I was like, I'm not going to lie. I had a lot of fun. Well, some of the categories, I was like, this is bullshit. But I was surprised at how well it was executed. He's got a bunch of like little, how do you put it? He's like programmed things. It's got like an actual game element to it.

It's not just trivia questions. Yeah, I, I. wrote him back immediately, he got back to me, so I got to follow up on that. That sounds cool. Well, big, small brain. Guys, I don't know if you're posting those on YouTube, but guys, follow at Big Brain Small Brain. Hopefully my episode will be up. I did pretty good.

I didn't win money, though. I got to the final question. I guess I'm spoiling it. I didn't take home any money, but I did good otherwise. That Cody guy for five, Carl Broughton, and shitting at work. Thanks for keeping the show on brand by bringing in another food problem, aka for 10, better than last show. High praise. Yeah, I mean, this just been smooth sailing all these episodes.

I'm not getting a million comments about how I'm tanking the whole fucking brain. The serious man for five, who would have thought that pulling dick out of the show would bring a shit commentary stream. Yikes. And a serious stream says, this is the best stream since the last one. Okay, for two comic status timelines. I just got back the final lettering. And it's possible like to print it. Shut up.

He's been telling us this shit for years now. Why even listen? I look. I think I can print it in the next week or two. I really do. I just got a shut. Why can't you manage expectations, you retard? Expecting any day. I look, but here's the other thing. Here's what's cool is the second and the third one coming along. So the cool thing is I might be able to, I'm not going to promise it, but we'll at least have one new issue next year. No one's going to give a fuck, dude. You're insane. It's all for me, baby. It took way too long.

It's all for me. No, I'm going to win him back. I'm going to win him back. Drug and Aitya studio for once is one for Carl and $1 for Cheds. Go fund me. Guys, this has been the biggest problem in the universe. Once again, I want to thank my guest, Carl Hamburger, friend of the show and a podcast. They're extraordinary.

Check them out at Carl WATP and who are these podcasts. I forget to vote on all the problems. Who are these.com? Who Are These.com, yes. Vote on all the problems at biggest problem. That show. Send your voicemails to Biggest Problem Show at gmail.com. And remember, recycling is bullshit. Thanks, Carl.

Thanks, Vela.