The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 24 - The Latinx Grapes of Wrath

Episode Date: January 17, 2022

Inflation, Forced Diversity in Film, Sour Grapes, Too Long of Media

Man, I'm really getting annoyed at people asking me for fake vaccine cards over the internet. I'm like, are you fucking retarded, bro? What are you... Yo, Dick! Hey, can... How should I kill my wife? Dude. Yeah.

Kill yourself. Bro, I thought... I mean, I thought we were cool. We're not... No. Yeah, no. Why would you think that? Right.

No, first of all, we're not cool. Well, definitely not if you're asking me to break the law for you in a public venue. What a nightmare. I thought we were cool. I just wanted some info. Yeah, kill yourself. That's your info.

What is wrong with you? Oh my god. Well, you would know nothing about that as you are vaccinated Obviously Like I'm gonna Fucking tell you Yeah

Some shithead Oh it's Bob Penis 5830687 With three followers Hey Dick How do I break the law You mean the one thing That the dark net

Won't even carry Right That thing Cause it's so Is that true You can't even get them On the dark net Oh yeah no

Why would they risk All that All that drug money over big vaccine cards you could print? Right. You could fucking print at home and take a picture of. You can't really charge a guy too much for a fake vaccine. What's the most someone's going to pay? A hundred bucks. Bro, you need instructions on how to print a PDF? Right.

What are you doing? You're just printing out a piece of card stock, I imagine, right? I don't know. Again, I don't know. I said I imagine? I don't know. Again, I don't know. I said I imagine. I don't know. That means I'm imagining. I'm gonna do a rap about making fucking Freebase cocaine next. How would you do it, Dick? If you were gonna do it, how would that happen? If I did it. If I did it.

Like, you go write for me? Immediately? Nobody else you could ask for this? You're the public face of the anti-vaxxer movement, Dick. I wish. You do wish. I wish that was true. Yeah. But it's Joe Rogan.

You've suffered through COVID twice just to prove a point. Two times. I don't want to get that heart attack shit, man. All right. All right. I don't want to get that shit in my veins. I don't want to get sick for a week. Jesus Christ.

I like getting sick. No, you shut up. No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't have to do any work. You don't have to do any work. You don't have to do any work anyway. Me? Yeah.

Are you working all the time? I work my fingers to the bone. I'm probably the hardest working man in the world. Alright. And then what, you call everybody up and you go, oh, I got the handful. I can't work. I'm too... But I'm saying you're your own boss. You can just lie about being sick whenever you want.

Lie to me? I have a pretty good bullshit detector. Yeah, you're not going to lie to yourself? I wish I could. It gives you an excuse to take time off. Sometimes I say, I'm not drinking again. No, you don't. I let that one slide.

You've never said that. I've said I'm going to... Quit drinking? No, I've said I'm going to slow it down. I've said I'm going to... Quit drinking? Or what? No, I've said I'm going to slow it down. I've said I'm not drinking today before. I like that though. That was a monumental statement in your life. You know what?

Not monumental. I'm going to stop drinking today. And you're still reflecting on that. I'm not going to start drinking today. And it's about 50-50. That it works when you declare it? Well, it works every time Whatever I ended up doing was was correct right yeah, but I stuck to it about 50 50

Fantastic uh let me make sure everything works here oh Yeah Sweet buzzer sound what I made that buzzer you You did? Yeah, I recorded it. Wow. How'd you do that? Fucking my phone. What do you mean? You found a buzzer noise and imported it. I was like, ah, that's perfect.

Well, there's like some guys who like playing around and like sound tools. Yeah, that's like me. Making sine waves. I'm like a DJ. I go around and record real life stuff like Zac Efron. Yeah. And then you drop it. This is the sound of LA.

Yeah, I'm going to mix that in my fresh fucking beats, bro. Yo. You saw that video. What is it? What's that DJ? Gutierrez or something? Yeah, DJ Gut. Yeah.

And he goes, it was him solving racism. Uh-oh. This track goes out. Big shout out to George. That's a good DJ impression. He goes, this one goes out to George Floyd's family. And then he just drops. Oh, no.

This episode goes out to George Floyd's family. Yeah, baby! Can't cut it because I put it right in there. Biggest problem in the universe. Oh, it's good to be back. It's good to be back. Freshly vaccinated, my God. Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe.

in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From saying I'm sorry to Vito's ongoing Twitter harikari. Career harikari. I'm your host Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Giswoldi. How you been, Dick? I've been great, man. I got that natural immunity from God. Oh, is that what you don't know you got science immunity that's horseshit i got natural immunity of covid from from the lord the god in heaven it feels good it's all in my body in my veins you got some kind of science aids going through you you have trump's vaccine in you gross i spit on trump's vaccine I got the devil in me And the devil's name is Moderna You wish Pretty good, how you been?

Been good How did it feel doing the show without me? Usually that doesn't go so well for people Wow Historically Somebody did point out that I should have started the show with Dick can't be here today You didn't?

No Nobody tells me to do these things. As a comedian, don't you just know that? I don't plan. Okay, I didn't think that this was a callback. I don't plan. Yeah, exactly. Put that on your tombstone.

All right. Wow, that guy had so much talent. What happened? Oh, I don't plan, he says. It only came, I went into it thinking, well, this is just. This is easy. So easy when I do it with Dick.

It's got to be easy when I do it by myself. I didn't say it would be easy. And honestly, I was very happy that Mr. Girl came. And I think me and him do have a good rapport, but maybe the format was not... Oh, it's the format! Well, the format is not always suited to more soft-spoken individuals like Mr. Girl. Like Mr. Girl? Yeah, like some more relaxed debate perhaps. Oh, but he's all

he's on with Lauren Southern and he's amped up to ten. Did you watch that? A little bit of it. I had to beat off because Lauren Southern was getting so dominated. He set her off. She was like on her back. Yeah. Getting her stomach scratched. He really scared her. Oh yeah? Yeah. You think so?

Well, because... I love that he called out her bullshit right at the beginning. Like, oh, you just said you didn't look at my stuff, so you have, like, plausible deniability. He goes, no, no, I'm not smart enough to do that. Like, oh, don't give us that I'm not smart enough horse shit, Lauren. He really got caught up with her, because her whole big incident was running migrant saving saving boats did you see that do you know

what that was she just stood on boats and shouted yeah you mean i mean like a woman but she just needs to own it is what he was arguing he's like she's like well i wasn't trying to you know get people drowned he's like but you see how what you did could have led to them getting drowned no only an idiot could could think that what only a fucking idiot could think that lauren southern standing on a boat going we don't want fuck off we're full go back to wherever you came from would think that that would make people drown i don't know what they're i'm gonna go on the beach oh i hope everyone drowns today weren't they trying to block the boats that were going to say you think she's like piloting the boat you

think she's no but she's gilliganigan in this situation, not the skipper. If you're watching someone do something horribly and you're cheering it on and saying, ah, you know, stab him this way, stab him a little bit more that way, you bear some of the responsibility of crucifying Jesus if you're giving advice to the torturer. Yeah. If you're in the crowd. Take a boat over that way. I mean, she's fucking John Madden out there drawing. Okay.

Look, the fucking immigrants are coming over here. You got to take the boat over that way. I heard Mr. Girl said that. I was like, I mean, it's funny that you're rosy Lawrence other,

but give me a fucking break. Don't give me that shit. Well, she just, she just needs to own what she did. It seems like she's kind of shirk away from it is what he was saying. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, if she wants to say I did nothing wrong

and just say I don't think I did anything wrong. But she's kind of straddling the line. I don't know. It's hard to deal with people who are like pretending to be retarded. Yeah. She might not be used to that. Well, I didn't do anything. I was standing on a boat. And people are like, well, what did you do?

Standing on a boat, you fucking idiot. I don't know. I'd have to watch the video again. Oh, again. Then you're participating. If I watch the video? Yeah. That's true.

Okay, here's my favorite part. So the airing of the grievances with you and Mr. Girl. Yeah, I think that was everyone's favorite part. When he told you that you had an outstanding invoice, and then he brought up the invoice. He found the invoice, which he has not ever brought up in the past three. If he had just said at any point,

hey, by the way, I never got that $50 from that thing. Yeah. I would have paid him. He waited until we're on a podcast. Well, then you called him Jewish. Wellish well yeah and that actually ended until that that ended up being a uh that ended up being a thing i had to apologize he was which he hated more i'm sure because that was his whole problem was apologies so i guess maybe i shouldn't have there was a he really he really i thought that he would understand the joke i'm clearly a friend of

the jewish people when i say oh you thought he would understand a joke after an hour of that you might be the only one i don't know i was having fun i thought we were having fun and i thought it's funny too but he got all pissed yeah he was taking it too seriously i don't think he understood the format is about two individuals. Maybe we argue a little bit, but at the end of it, we put aside our differences. I like your impression of me. Yeah, which part was that?

You were like an energy, the whole thing. You were like a game show host. It's harder than it looks, huh? Well, I have done that prior. I don't know if that was an impression of you. I can play both sides of the field Maybe I was Was I hamming it up too much?

Was it too hammy? Well, I think that As you were getting more hammy Mr. Girl was getting like more serious Serious So it was like the worst I think I was trying It was like the worst first date

For two men that have known each other for 30 years That I've ever seen I was really trying I think I was trying to instill in him like, hey man, we're just having fun. You know, by being like, I'll just amp it up and then he'll get there. You should have said, hey, lighten up, jerk. Might have been more effective.

Anyway, none of this would have happened if you, of course, had not come down with the sickness. So it's really all your fault. All these fucking vaccinated people who are asymptomatically carrying it around and not staying home because they don't know. Got me sick.

Okay. Work on your natural immunity, God child. Okay. Are you ready for the... Yeah, God damn it. Virtual restaurant brands. That was yours. That didn't win.

Oh, it didn't? No. What won? Wait a minute. Wait, did you just pull it out? Yeah, what are you talking about? Did I not? No.

All Vito's Twitter account. Yeah. Won by a mile. I don't know where I got this. See, I fucking told you that I didn't have the list. And you said you have the list on your papers. I said, okay, and shut the window down. I didn't know that you had it in the wrong order.

You're just going off heck blocked. Don't blame me on your lack of fucking preparation okay. I saw that you had a list I didn't, I glanced. Meet us Twitter account. Number one. You're a fucking nightmare on Twitter. Oh whatever. He was right and you got all pissed off too. You got all defensive. Yeah

and you're like I like it. I like that everyone hates me on Twitter. It's. You got all defensive. Yeah. And you're like, I like it. I liked it. Everyone hates me on Twitter. It's like, well, this is uncomfortable. What do you call it? Twitter's not,

Twitter doesn't matter. Ultimately. It doesn't matter if, when everyone hates you, but if you're doing well, it matters. I guess. What do you call it?

Uh, all the same people hate me who hated me before. Nothing has changed. Okay. My subscriber count on youtube and everywhere else hasn't gone down my patrons haven't gone down it's just the same people who hate me have more reasons to hate me that being said i'm just gonna stop talking about certain topics on twitter because i don't know why i always think i'm like you know what i feel like

the discourse has evolved on this platform how many many kids have you saved on Twitter? So many. With all of your shit about whatever. So many pedophiles. I just want to save kids all day long. You're doing a great job. The more kids we save, the better the world we have. That tweet was in relation to Mr. Girl, by the way. When you said we?

When you said we pedophiles? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I said. I was like... That's not what I said. Who was that nun that got leprosy? And she announced it to the world by going, Wee Lepers.

Wee Lepers. In Calcutta. Who was that bitch? Who was that dumb bitch? Wait, the dead one? Yeah, the dead one. She had leprosy. But it's not Mother Teresa.

I don't think so. Who was... Chad, help me out with that. I don't know. Wee Pedophiles. I don't remember this story. It was not Wee Pedophiles. That sentence can remember this story. It was not we pedophiles. That sentence can be read.

That's the movie. I, Robot, Vito, sequel, we pedophiles. For those of you who don't know what we're talking about, I had a tweet. Don't say we. Show me. This is bullshit. I had a tweet that very succinctly said we need to do something to stop child abuse in this country.

Yeah. And then a bunch of people said, you sound like a pedophile the way you phrased it but i'm like well you can read that sentence multiple ways clearly i did not tweet out to the world hey i'm a pedophile because i'm not a fucking crazy that's how they get you i'm not a pedophile it's a good reason why i wouldn't do that that's how they get you so they get them everybody if they got the cops listening in like oh did we get them get them i mean but that is what Twitter is. You make a grammar error, and next thing you know, you're viral, and you go, Well, they got me.

They got me. And they got me. Are you going to chill out on Twitter? Eh. Maybe. I'm going to stop talking about Mr. Girl stuff. Okay. Because you guys are fighting?

Well, we're not fighting, but we did have a discussion. Really? He's moving in a certain direction, and I don't want to hurt his image and his brand. So what, are you going to hurt my image, or are you fine with that? No, I'm okay with fucking you over it. Fuck you. You're going nowhere, buddy. But Mr. Girl, I do want to protect.

No, because your brand is being a fucking stupid asshole. Stupid asshole? Well, you have... What the fuck? Not you in particular, but you... Stupid and asshole? Not just asshole or stupid? I'm saying that as a fellow stupid asshole.

Don't fucking... Don't weep. I don't want to be lumped into your wheeze. I'm weeding you. Me and Dick. All right, we're brilliant assholes. Okay. You're going to take the asshole. You agree with that? I think I'm more of you. Me and Dick. All right, we're brilliant assholes. Okay. You're going to take the asshole.

You agree with that. I think I'm more of a jerk. Okay. Fair enough. You know? To be. Come on, give it to me. To be considerate of the situation.

God damn it. Yeah, go ahead. So, yeah, my Twitter account was number one by a mile. Then it was politeness words. Yes. I've never agreed with anything more listening to Mr. Girl when he told his girlfriend how it was, like, emotionally manipulative for her to say I'm sorry when he was telling her how he hurt his feelings. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's awesome.

How she hurt his feelings. Yeah, yeah. He's telling her and she's like, I'm sorry. And he goes, that's emotional. Actually she hurt his feelings. Yeah, yeah. He's telling her, and she's like, I'm sorry. And he goes, actually, you're doing even more. You're emotionally manipulating me and Gaslight. You're an emotional terrorist. I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Because now you want to turn it around for me to feel bad for you. Because you feel bad. It's an attempt to take some of the. I was all sweaty with COVID. For you. And then my problems, which were all both great. Maybe, I think on a different

show, both of these would have been winners. Like a show set in Wally. Yeah. Branded television remote buttons. They're terrible. They're great. There's a lot? No. How the fuck else are you gonna find netflix what are you gonna sort through menus and you have a netflix little how many buttons do you

want to press what are you what home like right arrow okay you're complaining that it's too much exertion it's that i don't it's not enough exertion i don't need a dedicated button for one function that i can't change the function half the time it's mapped to a channel i don't- It's not enough exertion. I don't need a dedicated button for one function that I can't change the function. Half the time it's mapped to a channel I don't want. See all these fucking buttons? Yeah, rip them off. All of them? Yeah. And then you gouged out your buttons like a serial killer? I'm surprised that you didn't put mirrors in the holes so it looks like they're still alive,

looking back at you like Red Dragon. What's that pink button? What's that pink button? IMD- IMDB TV. Oh, how often do you button? IMDB TV. Oh, how often do you watch your IMDB TV? In case you want to check it out. You know what's the worst part about this remote and this TV? It starts you on like Amazon Prime when you turn it on. There's no way to get it to start on HDMI 1.

And you're arguing in favor of this. The buttons is good. Oh, okay. How the fuck am I going gonna go click menu click click click all i know is i always i'm just enjoying myself hanging out next thing i know somehow that netflix button accidentally gets pressed accidentally gets pressed yes these roku remotes put them in your pocket sensitive, I just leave it next to me, and I gently brush against it, and next thing you know, I'm watching a Netflix original, Cowboy Bebop,

and I'm like, no, no, go back. Then you start puking. Yeah. Go back to Curb, Curb Your Enthusiasm. I really want to talk about the show you were on yesterday with... With Chrissy Mayer? It was Brittany Venti, Chrissy Mayer, and then the most retarded woman in the world. Nina Infinity, who said that you need to read psychology books so you know about psychopaths or something. I'm pretty sure I know.

Oh my god, this is... I'm watching the worst part of psychology and women together. Oh, you know, you just need to read psychology books. You'd probably know. See, the thing about men and sociopaths, like, oh God. It's funny. I went on Ralph's show last night and I don't know how it came up, but he was like, I saw you debating a bunch of women. I went, Ralph.

Debating. I'm like, if a bunch of women invite you to a debate, you take it every time. Just let me. It's a slam dunk. Women can't argue for shit. They just steamroll them the whole way through.

How'd you feel you did on that debate? I thought I did very well. It was fun until that bald fat guy called in and was all angry. That guy that looks like Dr. Robotnik.

Yeah. And you know why he does that? He knows, I'm going to come in and I'm going to immediately scream, Vito, you're a piece of shit, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then everybody in the chat goes, yeah, you tell him. And I'm like, alright, it's like a little performance. It's a little weird. Yeah, he's doing a little performance. I was hoping he would have a heart attack.

He's so fat and bald. Next time I'm going to bring, I'm going to have a book next to me. Whenever I do a debate from now on, I'm just going to have a book next to me. And anytime one of these guys starts doing one of these grandstanding, oh, someone's going to clip this and we're going to post it around, I'm just going to read a book. Vito, Vito, Vito. The thing about you is you realize that when you're saying,

I'm going to go, bro. Fucking calm down. Sorry, I was reading a Superman comic book. What? Are we ready to talk? You know you need a speech bubble that says, I suck cocks. Yeah. So you could bring it up.

Because you know they're going to clip it. That's a good idea. I suck cocks. That's a good idea. I have to hope that my window is right next to his. Brittany Venti was amazing. And she looked gorgeous. Sure. She looks so beautiful. You love that Brittany Venti. She had her tits in the frame the whole time. window is right next to his uh britney venti was amazing and she looks gorgeous sure she looks oh

so beautiful you love that britney venti tits in the frame the whole time was a as she always does looking gal always she does you know um and uh chrissy maher then you had the dumbest woman in the world is that chrissy maher or nina infinity nina infinity's it's just pretty dumb stupid as hell yeah quoting her psychology books. Thanks for having me on, Nina. Why? I don't know. She needs you. What is she going to talk about if you're not there? Psychology books?

That's what I don't understand. That dumb bitch needs you more than you need her. Oh, thanks for having me on to grandstand about something that you're purposefully misunderstanding. These people are, uh... Imagine being in a relationship with that. Well, actually, what you're exhibiting is

called gaslighting, and according to my psychology books, what you really need to do... I go on, okay, because they were... The streamer was not supposed to be on it, but I saw they put me in the thumbnail, and I'm like, alright, well, let me on then, and we'll just talk about it. You said, like, I'm a pedophile or something. Yeah, they put a little thumb... They put, like, all right, well, let me on then. And we'll just talk about it. You said like, I'm a pedophile or something. They put a little thumb, they put like a little word bubble next to me that said like pedophiles

for president or some shit. I'm like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Bring me in. First of all, they probably are. Yeah, they probably are. What do you mean? Every president has been, but, uh, so then I go on, but then like after I leave, they just keep complaining. They're like, I don't know that video guy. I'm like, I blew up your fucking stream. You got a couple extra Hundred viewers

You got a bunch of super chats I even told them I'm like listen If you really want to get my goat If you really want to insult me The best way to do so Is to donate five dollars To this stream

With an angry message I know I couldn't believe You did that I was like Come on Vito No That's how you do it That's how you do what?

I'm helping them out Why? Cause what She's gonna spend it on more psychology books look it's her show i would hope someone would do the same kindness to me if i brought them on they're calling you a pedophile you don't need to be nice to them i don't i think mayor implied that you don't understand jokes you've been on global you've been on global news twice in comedy sure you've legitimately

contributed something to the to the historical doc to the historical record of comedy with that bell delphine shit you've she's opening minor league baseball games that's very helpful she's opening for the what has she done for comedy wings or some shit. Yeah. Besides her show, what is her show? The Pussy Show? I don't know. Uh. Oh, God. That was the worst part. Chrissy Mayer going, oh, it sounds like

you don't understand jokes. Like, Mitch, I've made some great, I will say. You run a show that, you run a show that guys get too excited to be on.

That's your claim to comedy. Well, she started going down the, how can you call yourself a comedian, again, if you're not playing to 12 people at a minor league baseball game? And I'm like. And Anthony Cooney is there, too. Yeah. I'm like, I don't know, man. I think.

Chrissy, tell us that one famous joke you have. Tell us the one joke. What is it? What's the one? Come on, tell us your good joke. What is it? Does she have one joke? No.

She doesn't have anything. You tell me. Yeah, we've never seen, yeah, she's not known for anything, except apparently stealing from the parties. Parties. Did you see that? Stealing from parties? Apparently, like, because she works for that compound media, or did.

They had, like, a Christmas party. And then one of the radio shows, she's just like, yeah, that party was great. I stole a bag that someone left there full of expensive clothes. And they're like, you did what? Okay. Someone left a bag at the party and I took it. I'd rather have a pedophile at my party than someone stealing shit.

I don't have any kids around here. I'm sure he meant to stealing shit at a party and be like, this is a fun anecdote for the radio. I'm such a train wreck. and be like, this is a fun anecdote for the radio. I'm such a train wreck. And then the guy on her show will be like, I'm so excited to be here. Guys on her show, on Chrissy Mayer's show, you could take a picture of them on there like they're on a fucking roller coaster and sell it for five bucks framed. I don't know why I'm so excited, but I'm so excited to be here.

Well, I think it was a productive conversation. I think I even got him to admit this Vito guy is not a pedophile. He's just a liberal pussy with all the wrong ideas. That's the best you can hope for from these guys. And then that guy was talking about how he got molested as a kid. I was like, whoa. Yeah, he really kept going back into that. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm not laughing at him. I mean, it's- Why? I'm sorry you went through that. I mean- You didn't Why? I'm sorry, Matt. Why you went through that? I mean... You didn't do it. Didn't really have too much... He's probably asking for it.

Yeah. I guess he just wanted us to know it came from a... That guy... Honest place, his feelings. That guy is like... He goes to the leather armband store and says, Show me the new stuff that you got in this week. All right.

What was his name? Comics something? Comics something? Comics division? Why do I get invited onto any shows? Because you don't cause trouble. If you cause more trouble, you get invited on all these fucking things. All right. You can say my Twitter account's the worst thing, but then I end up going on like eight

podcasts. Branded buttons. That was the last one. Branded buttons and dead last. Okay, do a problem, please. Well, I didn't win, but Mr. Girl won. Does that mean I go first? Well, I'm a no-show. Because she's, please. Well, I didn't win, but Mr. Girl won. Does that mean I go first? Well, I'm a no-show.

Because she's my guest. Yeah, I guess you get the big L. Yeah, I got the biggest L. All right. My problem, Dick. Now I'm a guy. I like diversity. I approve.

I think that it's great that we have movies with more diversity and inclusion. People of different colors and backgrounds and ethnicities. Really? Yeah. Why? It's nice. You see that picture of that kid, and there's that new Disney animated movie,

and there's a little black kid with frizzy hair, and then this kid who looks kind of like the kid. Sorry, what kind of? I didn't say nappy. I said frizzy. I'm saying what I didn't say. Stop this. Don't clip this wrong.

Anyway, this frizzy-haired boy stands next to the television. I would like Chrissy Mayer to tell one joke. Yeah. That's all. I'm sorry. Maybe she will. Go ahead. Sorry. Anyway, the kid sees himself in the character. I think there's value to that. Sure. Do you think that's true? Yeah.

You think it's true that kids need to see their own race? I think it's helpful. I think,'s true that kids like see they need to see their own race i think it's helpful i think yeah you go oh hey there's you know the world is not just uh white heroes and white saviors and white villains you go out and there's people of all colors can do all things i'm not saying but i don't know man i just don't know if that's true i think that uh so what if like what about, like, trans people? Like, a little dude sitting at home, he sees, like, a woman, right? He's like, yeah, I love the way she's acting.

That's not, is that diverse? A trans kid sees a biological woman? He's like a little boy. Is he looking at a trans person on screen and going, yeah, that's what I want? Like, no, he's looking at a woman, right? I think that, you know, if you're a black kid and you see just all white superheroes, then you get a Black Panther, you go, hey, I kind of identify with him. Right.

And, you know, he looks a little bit like me. He can be a hero for me. What if he's looking at, like, what was one of the bad guys in Wakanda? Was it Gorilla Man? Gorilla Grodd? No, that's Batman. In Wakanda, there's a guy that was like... Well, there's Killmonger.

No, no, no. Wait, there's an ape in... His name was like Gorilla Man or something. He had the white thing and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hated that movie, so I've pretty much tuned most of it out. Sorry, black community. Your superhero movie was bad. Blade is better.

Blade's a great... Blade's dope as shit. It's a little too much for kids, I would think. Why? It's a lot of blood. It's vampires, though. Yeah, it's very cool. They're evil.

Yeah. I mean, there's a great black role. You should be encouraging kids to kill vampires. Well, let's put it this way. I look at Star Wars, where it used to just be all white guys and the Empire was all white guys. You see a black lady on the Empire side and you go, oh, black people can be evil too. That's a step forward, right?

I think black men already know that black women could be evil without seeing it in Star Wars. But the movies are reflecting the society in which we either live or idealize. I'll give it to you. Point is, though, Dick. Like short round.

When he's like, no more parachutes. You think Japanese people are going to go like, yeah, fucking finally. Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones. It can go too far, Dick. That's what I'm here to talk about today. Okay. This is a problem that I am calling industry-mandated diversity. Industry-mandated.

Very pithy. Well, maybe we'll come up with a better one. Maybe Chris E. Mayer was right. Oh, shut the fuck up. You brought in what? Hospital noncompliance? Pricing noncompliance. Yeah, okay.

Was that a clever way of phrasing that's not that's not that is not a clever problem that's killing people okay this is not a clever problem either this is this is killing creativity too many i haven't even gotten into the problem what's your point too many black people movies not enough black people movies like what is the what's the fucking problem today the academy of motion Picture Arts and Scientists announced new representation and inclusion standards for Oscar eligibility in the Best Picture category. Starting in 2024, for a film to be eligible for Best Picture, it must meet at least two out of four of the following standards. Okay. Have you seen this, Dick?

No. Have you heard about this? No. So a best picture cannot be nominated unless it meets the following diversity standards. Okay. Standard A, at least one of the lead actors or significant supporting actors must be from an underrepresented racial or ethnic group. At least what?

One of the leads? One of the leads. How many leads are there? You can have multiple leads in a movie. I mean, there would be a main character.

Okay, so one of them has to be a black. Oh, and you're like, he's a lead too. Short rounds of lead. Well,

you have Asian, Hispanic, slash Latinx. I don't know why they put a slash. Don't you, the same thing? Black,

African, No, Latinx is not a thing at all. It's very insulting to my people. I know, I know. Shut up, you fucking Mexican. It's like calling you a Fredo. Okay.

All right, gringo. No, I'm the gringo. What are you? You wish you were a gringo. Yeah, I wish. You think you're white? No, I'm a wop. I'm an eye tie.

Let's see, African-American. You can get an Alaskan in there. That'll qualify. Inuit? Yeah. Eskimos? Or for the general ensemble cast, at least 30% of all actors in the secondary and minor roles

must be from at least two of the following groups. Women, racial or ethnic groups, LGBTQ, or people with cognitive or physical disabilities. Retarded people? Retarded people, Dick. 30% of your... Wait, you could have a... 30% of your.... 30% of your... Wait, you could have a... 30% of your...

If 30% of your movie is retarded... 30%? 30%? I mean, you could have like two women, one retard, one black guy. Would Schindler's List qualify or would you have to mix some of the Nazis retarded? Depends on who's playing the... Or if the main storyline is about women or retarded people or LGBT.

Who wants to see movies about women? I've asked myself that question many times. It's really... Have you watched some movies about women? Can you just sit around and think about life and have non-sexual relationships with older wilderness men? men yeah and then they think about them i was all excited i'm like oh bob odenkirk and he's playing like a like a crazy

old-timey english gentleman i'm like what is this movie little women you put women in the title what do you think him nobody wants any part of that i want as little women as possible in my movie now if you don't have... Imagine my surprise. My God. Little women? You sold me. Yeah, little women, mostly men.

I want none, but little women, get me in there. Boy, was I surprised. Yeah, they really got you. They really got you. I want my money back. I was told little women.

I was told there would be little women. This is much women. This is a strong volume of women. Well, if you don't have a retarded lead, you can have a retarded crew. If at least 30% of the film's crew is women, people with physical disabilities. You already said retarded. Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. There's also a standard C where you can have paid internships okay look cunts uh yeah yeah and then representation wait wait wait sorry so you can have a movie that's all white as long as all the crew is retarded yes yes yes oh we gotta make that we gotta make that there's four categories and only two of them have to be retarded. So either the cast, the crew, the marketing, or some other. That's a good movie. It's the writers, the directors, the marketing.

Everybody is retarded except the actors. That's gold, baby. Yeah, that's a good promise. The script director, whatever. Purpose in checking out. make sure you say the script, the DP, the lighting. Dick, I'm going to make an argument here. The idea of the best picture is to go to the picture

which is of the highest movie-going quality, that speaks to the height of the craft. Yeah. Is it really necessary to create these elaborate percentage checks and balances where 30 women and 20 you gotta have a black guy as the main guy or else you're not the best picture anymore is this is this how art should be made by this weird commit this is insane you have you have a whole list here. A guy wants to make a movie.

He's got to sit down. He's going to go, well, I want to be eligible for the Oscars. Yeah. Time to compromise my creative vision and only hire retarded gaffers and lighters. I mean, there's a boom in every shot. Two booms. Actors are getting fucking prodded in the maze Mitchell a little higher

No They're all retarded don't fuck don't fuck up your own premise Mitchell good good more light, please. Thank you insurance guys. Oh my god oh my God, we can model back to Dintante. Brad Pitt's just sitting there and he's like, well, we're going to win Best Pictures. What the fuck do I do? Brad Pitt's actually like,

one of these is my kids. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is, here's the thing. He has adopted, we don't know they're retarded. They're black though

and they qualify for the diversity. Yeah, they qualify for the diversity thing. Now this isn't limited to just the Oscars. Nepotism, they probably pretend to be the diversity. Yeah, they're qualified for the diversity thing. And this isn't limited to just the Oscars. Nepotism. They probably pretend to be retarded.

Yeah. It's not a bad way to go. Okay. What was your question? Is that art? Is that how we should make art? Should we tell an artist? Yeah, but who cares about the Academy Awards?

Like, they're fucking dumb. Well, that's what I was going to get to. Okay. Thank you for the perfect lead-in. This, this whole Oscars so white, you remember that hashtag? You know why I was messed up with you and Mr. Groh? Why? Thank you for the perfect lead in This This whole Oscar's so white You remember that hashtag You know why I was messed up

With you and Mr. Gro Why Cause he doesn't interrupt And I do Right All the time Yeah Very aggressively

We're both We're both Interrupting men Yes That's why That's why it works This is a good dynamic And we know how to interrupt

I think skillfully Immediately Yeah That's how you interrupt Right I have a thought. Yes. Fuck what you're thinking about and saying.

I'm saying my thing. Sure. Whatever. That's how to skillfully interrupt. Okay. See, we got a rhythm. It's a rhythm. It's a song we're playing.

Other, uh, don't make a, is that your spit take? Okay, I'm not going to waste beer. All right. I'm a joke. This has trickled down to the industry at whole, where it is no longer just for Oscar eligibility, but production in general is establishing these rules. I have the rules from Amazon Studios.

Oh, God. Really? Yes. You know what I love about the diversity shit is it's finally starting to hit white women, and they're probably really pissed about that. Yeah, and they're so confused. Like know what I love about the diversity shit is it's finally starting to hit white women. And they're probably really pissed about that. Yeah, and they're so confused. Like, what do you mean?

I don't understand. I'm a woman. I thought this was only set up to fuck white men. Well, we fucked all of them. Yeah. And now we're fucking you. Now we're pushing the white women out. So are you, like, retarded or black or something?

Like, no, I'm just a white woman. Hit the bricks, bitch. I know. Everyone's fine i think people are changing their names or finding old family names you know yeah so you can be maria achawanabita from the satchel from the skachanawan tribe of northern manduk so indians they have like nature things like running with water and stuff like that. It's not like silly sounds that you say. Some of them.

Not like macho water. I don't think they all have those. Yeah, they all do. Sakachuia was a name. That was her first name. What was her last name? Running water. Runs with the guys.

You don't fucking know. You're fucking lying. You know what right now? Shut the fuck up. I'm about to tell a story. You know that there are contracts that the government gives that they give preferential treatment if you're like a Native American, Native American contract. So a lot of these white guys will go to a tribe and pay them $10,000 to just induct

them into the tribe. Do you know that that's how LA fucked up legalizing weed? No, I did not know that. They made it so, ooh, I just betrayed my own racism. They made it so you had to have served a prison sentence of like 10 years. Yeah, in order to be allowed.

In order to be allowed to have a license to grow or anything like that. So people are now paying ex-cons to come. Because the ex-cons did it and they're like they only know how to do crimes. They don't know how to run a business. Right. So they turn every business

into more crimes. They're like, oh, this weed's great, but what if we did some meth in the mouth of a boss nut? What was the theory that this was like restorative justice

for the guys who got busted for pot? Like now you can sell it? Yeah, I think that's what it says on the website. Oh, that's retarded. Retardive justice. Like most of these movies

that are going to get made at the Amazon studios. Yeah, keep going. Because each film with a creative team Of three or more people Should include a minimum of 30% women What is this 30%? 30% members of an underrated Because they're three-fifths the worth of a man

And they can't do math I know, but we can't say that out loud You must cast actors whose identity Whether it be gender, gender identity, nationality, race, aligns with the character they've been cast. You can't have a straight guy play a gay guy. That's against the law. How straight do you have to be?

I don't know. I've never met a 100% straight man. Like the whole idea that there's straight and gay, binary. Right. It's just silly because somebody can just be like, yeah, I'm bisexual. What do you fucking care? The whole idea that there's straight and gay binary. Right. Is just. Well, it's just silly because somebody can just be like, yeah, I'm bisexual. What do you fucking care? Make me the gay guy in the movie.

But also the guys like saying that they're so straight is like, oh, you wouldn't suck a dick for like $10 million. The people who say they wouldn't suck a dick for $10 million are crazy. They're lying. So you're gay. Absolutely lying. You're crazy. One character from each of the following characters. You're not jealous of Brad Pitt.

crazy uh one character from each of the following characters you're not jealous of brad pitt you're not you don't watch legends of the fall and say like i'm oh fuck i'm so pissed off at how hot and sexy brad pitt like you know you don't think that well okay you just watch it go like what a great movie okay straight guy sure i don't think i don't know about that i don't you don't know about that? I don't see anything in Brad Pitt Why not? I don't know Sexiest man alive I don't want to suck his dick Well But you would anyway

No I wouldn't anyway I wouldn't for money Which was the original premise Like ten bucks Then he started going down this While we just suck Everyone would suck Brad's pit Theory

And a dick We should They're aiming This is not strict, but aim to include one character from each of the following categories in speaking roles with a minimum of 50% of them to be women.

LGBT, person with a disability. Minimum of 50. Three regionally underrepresented race, ethnic, cultural groups, but a single character can fulfill one or more of these identities. Wow, retarded women, retarded black women,

if you can get one, you fill like every fucking category. That's one loud individual. We should start a talent agency that just finds retarded black women. That's a good idea. And we go, and we go, all you have to do is give her one speaking role, and you're done. She'll come in, and she'll say, biscuits, and you're done. And that's it. Isn't that Lizzo? Yeah.

We need more Lizzo's. We'll be the Lizzo talent agency. And of course, only accept bids from women businesses and pay equity. Alright, whatever. Here's the point. Why is this a problem though? Because it's gonna make shitty fucking TV and movies which already fucking suck.

It's just Academy Awards crap, though. No, this is Amazon in general, where they are giving out TV deals to creatives, but you know they're only going to give it out to the stupidest fucking people who go, listen, it's about a family of albino midgets. They're all transgender. They're fucking each other. Yeah. You know, and they're cops and they're going to go,

yeah, fucking, here's a million dollars. Well, whatever. It's kind of some book. They defunded the police. Yeah.

They defunded the police and these are the new police, the midget albinos. Sean was telling me something about how like they all have these weird quotas about diversity. Yes.

This is crazy. This is crazy. And I just saw an article where all these white guys who wrote all the great TV and movies of their era are like, I can't get work anymore. They don't care about talent. Yeah, but what's the point of TVs and movies?

What are you going to make another Godfather Part 2? It already exists. Just go watch it. You don't want any new good entertainment? You're okay with watching? It's not possible. I'm saying it's not possible. At some point, all of the great symphonies

were written. Okay, this is my theory. It's not. This is my honest-to-God theory. At some point, technology opens up a new window for the same themes and motifs to be introduced

to the world in a new technological medium. I only base this on music. Like every time there's a big innovation in music, a bunch of shit happens right away, and then it falls off a cliff, and it turns into this like performative pop art where it's all about the artists and all this shit. Like the machinery for the piano was made.

All these amazing pianists, and then it kind of drops off. And like Rachmaninoff comes out. And it's all about like complicated performances and bullshit. Every time there's a big jump, there's a huge glut of material that rehashes the same stupid shit. And that's all you need. And then the rest is just this crap. Until they invent something new. But when they invent the something new, all of this shit is coming along with it.

Nah. The second they invent fucking VR virtual experiences where you get to fuck, you know, your way through a whole virtual alien world. 20 Brad Pits. Well, every, the only women you're going to be allowed to fuck are all going to be retarded black women because that's going to be the rule. Nah, that's not how it works. It is how it works.

It's just technology. This is poisoning the future of entertainment and media and it is how it works it's just technology this is poisoning the future of entertainment and media and there is no escape from it but you're a bisexual woman so shouldn't you be and you're not white

and I'm not white so shouldn't this be good for you look I'm not saying I can't make the best of my a bad situation but it's still

a bad situation industry mandated diversity industry mandated diversity I was gonna say they're doing this for something else too but I forgot what it was

well I know there's a lot of the like hiring and staffing I mean I guess it's film industry should I specify film industry

mandated mandated diversity well I was gonna say you don't wanna do it for like I was gonna say studio mandated diversity I mean but it's for

like colleges too like this is happening everywhere well I just think it's I mean, but it's for like colleges too. Like this is happening everywhere. Well, I just think it's ridiculous. You just think it's up bad for movies. I think that specifically it's an absurdity when you're applying it to an artistic production where none of that. Okay. It's weird when you apply it to art. Why is it not weird when you apply it to anything else?

Well, like it is still weird, but it's like this more easily highlights the absurdity. You know they do this on the NASDAQ, right? In what way? They said your board has to be like half gay to be listed on the fucking NASDAQ. I know. It's all ridiculous. Just to force diversity. Honestly, I mean, it's destroyed colleges.

It'll fuck up the stock market. God forbid. I try to narrow my problems down to leave myself leeway in the future. Okay, okay, okay. So why don't we just focus on the movies? Studio, movie. And maybe that means I don't cast as wide a net. Okay.

I'm sure colleges will come up as a problem in the future. Here's my problem. All right. Inflation. Yeah. Whenever I see someone blow up like a balloon, I'm like, oh, sickening. Vito. What?

How much would you pay for a lap dance? What's the most you would pay for a lap dance? 50 bucks. 50 bucks? Yeah. For how long? One song I'm talking about. Well, you're saying that's too much or not enough?

That's outrageous. What are you, carrying around 50s? You asked the most I would pay for a lap dance. Who would you pay a $50 lap dance for? What if it was fucking like... Brad Pitt? Yeah, what if it was Brad Pitt? You're not going to pay him 50 bucks?

50 bucks for a lap dance? You wouldn't give 50 bucks to like your celebrity crush or some shit. Like Hitomi Tanaka? Yeah, Hitomi Tanaka, 50 bucks. No, because then I would be in for like a grand of just lap... You would. You would. Yeah, but that's like...

You'd probably pay more. That's outrageous though. You asked the most. You didn't say what is the average you would pay for a lap dance. But I'm saying like reasonably, you walk into a strip club, it's not like the most amazing fucking... I don't know, 30 bucks? Like... That's still too high.

If I really want a lap dance, and the chick's like super... 20 bucks. Okay, so I'm off by 10? Like, what the fuck? And now, lap dances are 30 bucks. Okay. Can you believe that?

That's inflation. If you wanted to set up the hypothetical of the 20 lap dance with that instead of going into this because the secret of the show is the responses people give that are so weird 50 bucks i don't think 50 for a lot if it's the hottest chick in the fucking world and it's like a one-time experience one song i don't know. Well, how long is this song? You've heard a song before? I've heard a song. Some songs are longer.

How long do you think songs are? Again, if it was like, you know, like a known performer. It's not Happy Birthday. It's not Henry VIII I Am. It's somewhere in between those two.

It was, you know, I don't know who I would name, but somebody. Who's your, who's your fantasy lapdates? I don't know. I'd have to think about it. No, you don't. You dance? I don't know. I'd have to think about it.

No, you don't. You just don't want to say. I'd have to think about it. No, no. Who's your fantasy lap dance? The Olsen twins, of course. No. I don't know.

When they were 12? Yeah. Or nine? Back when they were, yeah, in the Mary Kay and Ashley slumber party days. How the West was Fun? How the West was Fun. That's a deep cut. Yeah.

Yeah. I never watched any of that. Don't a deep cut Yeah Yeah I never watched any of that Don't tell me about it I never watched any of that Who's your fantasy lap dance though? Who's hot? I don't even know Who's I don't have

No I really don't have like celebrity crushes It's not like a thing Celebrity? I don't know if you tell me Tanaka's a celebrity I could name probably 20 big boobs I could name some porn stars But I won't Why? Because I don't want to

what do you mean i i just i in my head i know who i would name what are you and i'm so shy about because i don't want people knowing my porn taste i just i don't want them to people think you're a pedophile Right Maybe you want to get out You could I don't want to dispel Some evidence that you're not I'll come up with some names I'll try to think of one right now You have to come up with it?

No because like The celebrity crushes I have People go What the fuck You know Why do you like her Or whatever I don't want to get into it

What do you mean? Who's your celebrity crush? I like you know Like a kind of a plain Oh you know Who's a good one Like a cursed and dunced type. Okay.

Yeah. What's she been in? She was in Spider-Man way back in the day. I don't know what she looks like now. With the wet t-shirt. Yeah. Why would you be embarrassed about that? Well, because it's very plain.

I think I have plain taste. Yeah. Who else? Who else is plain? Like Pam from The Office? No, not Pam. Because she's too hot? No, she's not.

You know, I don't think Pam's attractive. You think Pam's attractive? Yeah. What's the other girl from The Office, though? Ellie Kemper? The one who's like retarded? The bubbly, stupid, retarded one? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but she's good looking, I think. So you like her? Yeah. That would be your fantasy lap dance? See, but she's not like a lap... I don't think she'd give a good lap dance, but I think she's a good looking lady. You know the secret to a good lap dance? See, but she's not like a lap... I don't think she'd give a good lap dance, but I think she's a good-looking lady. You know the secret to a good lap dance?

I just think that most guys go, like, you know... Wait, what is this? What do you mean, what is this? You know what? I will say that Kim Kardashian looks good. Kim Kardashian? Yeah. With the fake butt and stuff? Yeah, I think she looks good on that magazine that they, uh, you know-

Do you really? Yeah, I thought that looked good. I like- I do like a butt on a woman. You like a butt on a woman? Yeah. Nah, I'm mean. No. You want a stick?

I want the- yeah, get rid of the butt. Everything below the belly button and everything above the neck, get rid of it. everything below the belly button and everything above the neck get rid of it okay this consumer price index climbed seven percent in 2021 well that's gonna my $20 lap dance is how much $20 seven cents 70 cents a lot I can't do that. 23 bucks. Oh, 23 bucks. No, 24 bucks. The largest 12-month gain since Jesus Christ walked the earth. Can you believe that? Is that true? I don't know.

Yeah. According to the Labor Department, released on Wednesday. Wow. Inflation fucks over poor people, Vito. Oh. Fucks over everyone. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Especially us. Not the poor people getting fucked. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Especially us. Because. The poor people getting fucked by everything necessarily in that big a deal for them. Especially fucks them over. Well, gas, milk. Milk.

Do you know how much milk costs? School supplies. It looks like, what, $3? Who knows? It really depends what milk you give. But it's more now. I like that instead of bringing in like prices you just look at me and you go how much is milk? Well, it's more now cares

We're selling this problem much is whiskey Crap is there is there inflation on when I was a kid I play of course is a fucking inflation was the bottle cost something It's shipped in from China. Okay When I was a kid whiskey cause I, I bought a bottle of Wild Trigger for 16 bucks. Wow. Now? 22. 20 something.

Inflation. Absolutely outrageous. What do we do about this? Well, I can't say that. We just get angry about it. Yeah, pretty much. Has inflation affected you personally, Dick? I just told you about the lap dance that you fucking blanked out on.

Did you go to a strip club and she said, sorry, they're $22 now? $30. Did they quote you $30? $30, yeah. What did they used to be? $20. $20 is reasonable. I don't think that's inflation.

I'm not going to break 100 to get a lot. 20 bucks, come on. When it was 20, the understanding was that it was 16, but like, whatever, you're going to round up. Yeah, now it's just a flip. Here's some inflation figures for you. Venezuela, 2,000%. Yeah, they have a...

Zimbabwe, 747%. Okay, yeah. Lebanon. Sounds like your problem is living in a third world shithole. Which we do live in now. No, no. America, the beautiful. The worst part is, our Patreon still costs five bucks.

Yeah, we should inflate it. But we can't. People would be upset. Right. See, the government... You go to the store, you buy a pack of cigarettes or a lap dance or whatever you're buying, they will fuck you, but I can't go turn around and say, hey, everybody, we're raising the Patreon prices to $5.50 or something because of all this inflation that Biden caused.

That is a good point because a lot of people have been running these Patreons for a while. I mean, you've had yours since what? Forever. 2016 or something? I mean, I might as well get a time to pay me in bits of silver. Yeah. Because you're getting a steal of a deal. Yeah.

If you made it now, it would be 10 bucks, 20, 50 bucks. They should at least be throwing in a hay penny here and there, I would think. Inflation. Here's some stuff from CNN that I have. I like to go to CNN for this stuff to get, like, the funny take. Funny take? Is that what CNN does to you?

Here's what CNN says about, yeah. Okay. It's like for retarded people. It's like a good joke. Like, who's reading, who's going to CNN? You should get it in Tagalong or whatever that fucking made up language is. And it's pigeon. Pigeon?

What you're thinking about. Well, what's Tagalog sound like? I don't know. It's not a bad thing. That's what I'm thinking. That's what CNN says. In the United States for the past 40 years or so, we've been living in an ideal low level of inflation

that comes with a well-oiled consumer-driven economy with prices going up around 2%. So it really annoys me that the banks have gotten away with this meme that 2% of inflation is like perfect yeah that's great for everybody like why why is it why is it great that every year i have to go argue with my boss about getting two percent more money like why why are we all tolerating you lying and saying this is and tricking stupid people who just repeat things without understanding them, that this is good and, like, essential to a healthy market when it just means, like, all the stuff I have is worth 2% less every fucking year until I'm dead. As if you guys aren't fucking me enough in every possible way.

It's healthy. Don't you want the country to be healthy? No. I want it to be sick, and I want to personally put it out of its misery. I would like to pull the plug. 2% is... Have you heard that 2% inflation is good? Like, in every fucking thing, it's

wow, 7%, that's crazy. What we need to get back is 2%. Like, 2% is fucking me slowly and gently. Why is that any good I mean it's just healthy dick it's healthy I care about health how did we get here CNN said blame the pandemic oh of course I think I feel like everybody blames the pandemic for everything excuse me um two percent a year that's like the tax of just being alive i guess is it always two percent a year is that's what the fed shoots for yeah that's what they say is i that's what they're they're ideal they're aiming to fuck you out of two percent

every year yeah i feel like there's some complicated economics here that i don't see that's what that's what annoys me about it because you feel like you's some complicated economics here that i don't see that's what that's what annoys me about it because you feel like you should defend it like that there's somebody smart in charge good yet you look around and see that peep that gangs of people in los angeles are ransacking trains i did see that you see that they're tearing open trains and pulling well you know some economist must have thought, no, it's just a bunch of retarded idiots.

Milton Friedman famously, you know. Yeah. I don't know. That's what they say. I really want to know why people keep saying, well, 2% is good. Fucking why? Think about a bubble economy, Dick. Why is me just having my stuff and you chisel away at it for 2% every year good for me?

See, that expands out and then the GDP. The GDP, the CPI. Right. It's just horrible how easily people are brainwashed. It's a service-based economy, Dick. That's what you need to understand. The Federal Reserve said something about it. I want to go rob these trains,

by the way. You want to go rob a train? Yeah, I mean, everybody's doing it. Red Dead? Yeah, let's ride alongside it. Let's get our faces printed on some bandanas. I legitimately think we should dress up like cowboys and go down to the LA train yards. I really

think that crime is at an all-time high. It's cool. Crime is cool. You can go rob Bro, you could rob. We could rob City Hall. We could do anything. We could go to Vons. Ralphs. Walk out with big Everyone's doing it. I kind of want to do it. You see

all these young black gentlemen who seem to have it all figured out. What in the video that I'm watching there's these gangs of smart streetwise kids. Stop looking at me like this. Yeah, they're smart. I think they've figured something out.

They're stealing? Yeah. I'm not coming down on them. I'm like, you get yours, young man. Yeah, steal all of Amazon stuff. Clearly we have set up a situation where there are no laws Why would you not take advantage of this moment in time? Fuck Amazon

It's on them to have better security Jeff Bezos is out floating around on a raft While fat women pile on top of him He's gonna be fine That's the worst part Yeah He's gonna be just fine. I'm sure

people who aren't black are also stealing. I'm just saying. Not enough. Seems like the cleverest of them. Clever is not the right word. I tried to find why zero inflation is bad. I actually, I really tried. And I know there's always gonna be some fucking idiot

chiming in on the comments, like pretending to be an... There's always bootlickers. There's just always fucking bootlickers for no matter what there is. A lot of tasty boots. Boots made out of pizza. Yeah. That must be.

Pizza boots. The reason that zero inflation creates... Like, inflation is, well, we're using gold to pay for stuff yeah because you know you could split it up yeah and if somebody wants to cash in you give them gold well i'm talking about like medieval times okay or you know prehistory like yeah gold you can see if it's fake it's easy to see if it's yeah just bite it and scribble on it you know it's pretty easy to give to you and stop you can cut it up more and more and more until it's like an atom.

Pretty good, right? And then inflation is like, oh, we found some more gold. Well, you know, alright. I guess that happened. Kind of. I guess we're kind of fucked like that then. Alright, I'm going to go try to find gold. Well, it's hard.

Some economics major is flipping out right now listening to this. Oh, I hope they flip out so bad that they jump out of a fucking building. Because there is no way planned inflation is anything more than a fucking scam. Well. I don't give a shit. I look forward to hearing in the comments why inflation is so good. But then it's like they took that, like, oh, that's inflation. All right, well, now we got to, like, build it in.

We're going to print all kinds of money, and we're going to print enough so that happens. Like, well, that happened because we were finding it. Not happening because you guys are doing it. So for those of you listening at home, Dick, does not know why inflation is a problem. Therefore, I'm going to say it's not a problem. All you should is more expensive.

In fact, it's probably good. 2% a year? What, are you going to go to your boss at the a.m. P.m. And say hey, I look at 2% You know, I put that in contracts and you get like it adjusts for in place salary. Yeah cost of living increases Good, so we've already got it figured out and there's no problem bad for poor and all figured out Well poor people get what's coming. Don't be poor. Go ahead. Dick, I'm a man

who enjoys my video games. No shit. Yeah, shut the fuck up. But you know what I don't like? What? Diversity in video games? Is that your problem? Alright. Video games are going to cost way more with inflation, withiden's inflation that's why

well good that means my game collection's worth more dick there's a new game coming out called dying light 2 are you excited it really does mean that what am i getting your stupid game collection oh i keep checking my little spreadsheet and it just keeps okay dying light on a gold mine dying light says to says to fully complete Dying Light 2 Stay Human, you'll need at least 500 hours to complete all of it. Of your life? Of your hours. Of your life.

Almost as much as it would take to walk from Warsaw to Madrid. This is a... For who to walk to Warsaw to Madrid? An average individual, I assume. Oh, okay. Me, it would take longer. Okay? I would take several breaks.

That's just an odd... Yeah. Like... 500... Comparison for you to... 500 hours to complete the game, Dick. My biggest problem is the games are too long.

They're too long. All right. Look. Shut the fuck up. All right. Look. Shut the fuck up. What are you... What I'm saying is, okay, video games are great. They're a great form of entertainment. You play video games.

I play video games. Yeah. The world does. But for some reason, the people making these games don't seem to understand that the audiences were no longer 12-year-olds. It used to be you were a kid, you got one video game a year, and you had the last year,

the whole fucking year. You were a rich kid, so you probably got a couple extra games. I wasn't a rich kid. Okay. I was very poor. Yeah? Yeah, I had to play video games

and make them out of rats. Living in the slums? I had to play in the garbage can. All right. We didn't even have a slum. All I know is you had a TurboGrafx. We lived in the middle of the desert. I stole that TurboGraf know is You had a TurboGrafx We lived in the middle Of the desert

I assume I stole that TurboGrafx You stole that TurboGrafx Yeah I don't believe you Point is Dick We don't want to We would hold up a train

Yeah Well We would hold up trains My dad would tie my mom up With a rope And put her on the tracks And then the train would stop And we would fucking rob it

And then inflation Made it impossible To afford any games for your new console How dare you say that I was a rich kid Oh whatever I'm just fucking with you Fucking rich kid Anyway the point is that we no longer have the same amount of time That we did as children

Rich children like Dick And this has not been Recognized by our industry Which continues to pump out these games That are frankly too long. A movie is a two-hour experience. That's too long. 90 minutes. Movies are getting

too long as well. Bro, there's a category on Netflix called 90-minute movies, and they're all amazing. You know what? Let's expand this problem out. Media is too long. Too long a media. Too long media. Media length. Length a media. Too long media. Media length.

Lengthy media. I don't know how we're going to put it on there, but you get the point. We have a lot going on in today's lives, our lives. We have things to make. Arguing about pedophiles online. Hey, whatever pays the fucking bills in this inflation-laden world, you got to get it done, all right? I don't have time, first first of all to watch a three hour fucking movie or a nine hour documentary about the fucking beatles yeah i don't have time

to play your 500 hours zombie game the the documentaries that have been turned into series i just don't watch anymore why would you would you you can't tell this stupid story in under an hour you can tell it in like a couple minutes. Like a conversation. Did you know the Beatles showed up and recorded an album? Cool. Can you show me like the best parts? No.

We're just going to show you pretty much all of it. Do you know that Beatles documentary? Did you see that thing that's on Disney right now? They took the old Beatles documentary where the guy was like, yeah, we shot like 400. The Monkees? No, the Beatles. Yeah. He goes, we, you know, we shot like 400 hours of footage and I smartly edited it down into an hour as we skillfully did in the seventies. And then Peter Jackson comes along and he goes, you still got that 400 hours of footage. Cause I was thinking we could make it a whole fucking

like 10 episode miniseries. That's's just the Beatles sitting around and fucking around with Yoko Ono. It's not interesting at all. It's so long. It's a waste of everyone's time. Concise fucking experiences. Inflation, you would say inflation of media. Inflation of media. Inflation of media, yeah.

Don't vote up inflation based on that that's bullshit uh why don't we just say look if you got a game you want me to play or a movie why don't you can then sit down in the best possible fucking package 90 minutes 90 minutes for a movie yeah a game oh you it should top out at 20 hours i understand a game can be a little longer You can have side quests or whatever How long was Red Dead Redemption 2? Because that was perfect I don't know how long the main quest was

But I want to say it was about 20 hours Maybe longer I thought that game dragged on too though I hate driving the horse around I gotta listen to everybody talk about how much they love horses What's your horse's name? It's the whole fucking game And I understand If you want to pad it out with a little bit of bonus content some

500 hours that's like a uh well they clarify like a lawyer and they go it is only 20 hours to complete the main story but it's 80 hours to complete all the side quests and 500 hours if you want to do everything but here's what that tells me if you have 500 hours of fucking content in the game that means you have wasted so much resources on padding it out with extra bullshit that no one needs so that 20 hours good as it could have been instead of making a really good 20-hour game you're like let's have a kind of okay 20 hour game and then like devote a bunch of our resources to other stupid bullshit yeah and mini games and garbage and whatever else same with these movies like you don't need all these extra scenes of like what if aragorn was

you know there's a scene where him and his elf lady talk about their feelings it's like and she's a retarded black lady well what about that that's the thing you have to leave those scenes in now like the circle the council of the ring and it's all retarded black ladies. Like, what do you think about this, Algebra? Peter Jackson really is the fault of all this because he put out those extended Lord of the Rings cuts or whatever. And you're like, you don't need any more of this. It's already 10 hours long to watch all those fucking movies. I don't know, man.

I just think that video games are too long. Video all those fucking movies. I don't know, man. I just think that... Video games are too long? Video games are too long. Movies are too long. Books, I'm sure, are too long. Well, video games are shitty. They are shitty. But I think they're shitty.

A game like Assassin's Creed is shitty because there's too much shit in it. Yeah. Why don't you just make it really good? There's some games I play that are, like there's this game, Metal Gear Revengeance, I love. It's like a six-hour action game where you just run around. Metal Gear Revengeance? Yeah, you just run around. Like a scrolling game?

No, it's a 3D action game. You're a ninja and you fucking fight robots and shit. Okay. But just like six fucking tight hours of just kicking ass and if you really like it you can just play it again yeah you play it twice they don't like you know give you a million side quests and whatever missions it's just a tightly they probably have the the shitty programmers doing all that side quest shit though i guess but it's a waste i don't know does that really sell more game who a waste. I don't know. Does that really sell more game?

Who is playing this? I don't know who's playing video games. I guess it's for teenagers. Honestly, it's just a big waste of time. Video games. I've been playing Settlers of Catan. Is that a board game? Yeah. Who do you play with?

Just online, randomly. You play a board game online? Yeah. Because you can't get, like, I mean, I guess I could. Should you play that with friends? Well, yeah. I mean, you want to play Settlers of Catan?

No. This is where you say no, so... So I play it online. I want to play Drink to Beer, the game. Yeah, I play that because I can just dick around. But, like, again,

I can play that game and I can, you know, do it in the corner while I fucking pay bills and shit. But I ain't got time. You're playing games while you're paying bills? Yeah, I don't pay bills or rendering out

a video or whatever else. Multitasking. You're so busy. Regardless, there's two... And miniseries. Everything's gotta be a fucking miniseries. That's the worst. That's the fucking worst. I just won't watch it.

Did you ever see The Hobbit? The three movies where like Shia LaBeouf Shia LaBeouf edited them into one movie Oh, okay, no, I didn't see that I only watched that movie and it was great Really? Did Shia do that? Shia LaBeouf did it And was that available somewhere or was it like a bootleg?

You had to go to his house Did you go to his house? I mean, I'm just saying Was it Shia LaBeouf? I thought, what's his name, did that? I thought Topher Grace did it. Topher Grace did it. That's what I meant. Thank you.

Yeah, because Shia played fucking The Hobbit. That's what I meant. Topher did that. That was great. Topher also did that with the Star Wars movies. He was really having fun editing for a while. Does he want to be an editor? He played poker.

It was so cool. I'm glad Tope for it. Remember poker? Yeah. And that was the thing. Okay, that's your problem. Too long a media. My problem is, yeah, it's too much of it and it's too long.

Can we just get these short, fun movies? Can we stop with the mini-series? Go back to basics. The five-second films. Do you remember that site? Yeah, I do. Ooh, that was a good site. It was a good idea.

They should have gone to 10 10 second films or something. They should have gone up from there. Does every show need 20 seasons? Half these shows don't even ever end. I started watching Mindhunter. You ever watch Mindhunter? No, I don't watch that shit. I don't watch any of that shit because it's just like a time set.

I'm never going to do it ever again because you watch one season and then they make another bad season and then it never has a conclusion because it gets canceled. Television is like, it's like giving yourself cancer. Yeah. Like you have to watch every new season for hours and hours and you have to sit there and you have to talk to people about it. It's like you might as well just be injecting yourself with pancreatic cancer. It just sucks your life away until you're dead. it it's like you might as well just be injecting yourself it's a pancreatic cancer yeah it just sucks your life away until you're dead and then at the end of it you go that last season really

sucked and it ruined my life yeah i started watching yellowstone though people have been talking about that it's good no okay two seasons is good i wasn't gonna watch it anyway it's cool they're like killing people it's like, you're being cool killing like people Yeah, taking advantage of people I also missed the show with the standalone episode where I don't have to watch like this ongoing narrative I can just put on an episode. One episode of a show? Oh, it's not serialized. It's not serialized. Yeah. Okay law and order You can just watch a law and order episode. Yeah My last problem is sour grapes.

Yeah. Because you. Because I did what? You didn't go to New Year's with me. Right. And then you were saying like it was a good thing you didn't go because I got COVID. Right. But it was obviously sour grapes because we had a great time and you were trying to come

up with reasons why it was smart that you didn't go yeah uh but it was lame but are you saying that i wanted to go and i felt bad that i didn't go it was a cope you came up with all these reasons why that it was good that you didn't go because you had you were suffering from sour grapes i thought sour grapes was jealousy. Am I wrong? No sour grapes is the Fox sees Grapes and he can't reach reach them. So he says they were sour. Yeah, not jealousy He's not jealous, but I could have went to Vegas. Well But you didn't once I didn't then you're starting to be sour grapes then you're starting to come up with all these reasons why because the

You're saying I saw you Having so much fun And I had to justify Yeah yeah yeah That it wouldn't have been fun Yeah So you start coming up With all these reasons

About COVID and bullshit I think you're misreading The situation No no no No no no no no People aren't gonna buy that I don't think I would've had fun Well

That may be true I think I would've You know what I think I would've ruined your fun So I stayed out That's not possible So I wouldn't have I would've been a think I would've You know what I think I would've ruined your fun So I stayed out That's not possible So I wouldn't have I would've been a stick in the mud

You know Well that's different Always Always Everyone's a stick in the mud I don't wanna be that guy Who's like Ah you know

You guys were going to like A rave environment I'm not really a rave guy How was that by the way? Amazing Was it? Yeah Did you check out the food trucks?

I saw they had a food truck. I don't think there was any food trucks, actually. Oh, yeah. I tried looking up what was going on. Was there a bunch of stages? Yeah, there were stages at the rave. Music? Yeah. There was music at the rave. Yeah, see? There was a whole bunch of people who were like... It's not sour grapes because I don't like music. See? There you go. The sour grapes again.

I wouldn't have liked the music. There you go. you're doing it again The music was probably bad The sour grapes yet again I don't know why this happened As soon as I said I'm sick you're like Oh I'm glad I didn't go and you posted it Multiple times trying to get my attention

No no no no no no no no no People kept coming to me cause you Drove to Vegas and as you were Driving to Vegas you streamed And during your as you were driving to Vegas, you streamed. And during your stream, you went, fucking Vito bailed on me. Yeah, fucking Vito did bail. Everybody bailed on me. Everyone bailed.

I had to pay for the whole house myself. So if everyone bails, then why am I the only fucking target? Because then you came out on Twitter and said, oh, I guess it's a good thing that I didn't go. When I was sick, I had COVID. I was barely clinging to life with COVID. And you chose that moment to say, oh, it was a thing that I didn't go. When I was sick, I had COVID. I was barely clinging to life with COVID, and you chose that moment to say, oh, it was a good thing I didn't go. Like, you fucking smartly avoided COVID.

I did smartly avoid COVID. Doesn't matter. It's sour grapes. You decided to go to a packed party environment in the middle of a public health crisis with a new strain. Yeah, but you were gonna go. I kind of wanted to go, and I couldn't go.

So then you sour graped it. I mean of wanted to go and I couldn't go. So then you sour grape did. I mean, it's probably good I didn't go. But see, but then you went on Twitter and made a big deal about how... I didn't make a big deal out of it. You were commenting all over the place. Oh, your fucking fans keep coming to me and they go, I can't believe you bailed on dick, bro. Bro, I can't believe you bailed on dick on the big Vegas fucking thing.

Because they would give anything to have gone to that rave. I was a fucking afterthought. You came to me and you went, hey, my real friend's bailed. Do you want to take their place as my fake friend? No, that's not what happened. Yeah, I mean, maybe I'll be your fake friend in Vegas and take up the spot that your real friend gave up. No, that's not what happened. You're like someone I genuinely care about, unfortunately got sick and they can't go. You're kind of this piss head that I hang out with sometimes.

If you want to come along now. You'm not. You don't drink nearly enough to be a piss head. Thanks for thinking of me. But then you wanted to go. And then I even offered you a ride. We could have streamed and done a biggest problem there. I bought all this recording equipment. Ralph was maybe going to go to jail afterwards.

I know. But it wasn't until you said oh I guess it's a good thing. I didn't go twice where I said sour grapes. It's fucking sour grapes. I mean, what if I hadn't gotten sick? I wouldn't be very happy. Where's your fucking vaccine? What do you mean?

I have one. I don't have the booster yet. Are you going to get it? Yes. Dumb. I want to be like, I'm going to pull a yet. Are you going to get it? Yes. Dumb. I want to be like, I'm going to pull a, what do you call it, a Bob Saget and get the shit boosted out of me. Is that how he died?

Bob Saget? Well, he had a booster and then he had a heart attack, so. I'm going for it. That is the aristocrats. What a fucking idiot. He got a booster and he died? We don't know that he died from the booster. Oh, you're right.

We don't. Shut the fuck up. Did Norm get a booster and he died? Yeah, Norm got a booster. He got the booster. He got a booster of cancer. I think he just had like a heart attack. I think somebody slipped him some fentanyl. He had some fentanyl

In his vaccine I think No I think I don't know I don't know if they had a George Floyd had died Of the vaccine That would have been a tragedy

For America We probably wouldn't have Heard about it Sour grapes is my problem Well It wasn't until you started Publicly Like saying

That you're so smart That I'm glad I didn't go because then I don't have to risk of COVID. Like, I did a dumb thing, but I'm really just living life and having a good time. Okay. I'm sorry if I made

you feel dumb for putting your health at risk in a public situation. See, you add more stuff on. You add more sour grape stuff. I feel bad. I don't think you do feel bad. See, you add more stuff on. Well, I'm just saying that I'm just, I feel bad. I don't think you do feel bad. That you chose to be unvaccinated. And it led to this crisis.

I was already vaccinated by God. All right. You can't have a better vaccination than by God. I'm sorry that God's vaccine didn't work out. Well, take that up with God. Yeah.

Take it up with Saget and getting that booster. I'm walking in there and I'm going, Saget me up, fellas. Oh, man. Do you think Bob Saget is in hell regretting having a booster that killed him? What the fuck question is that?

No. Just do you think that it's... Why was he in hell? Maybe he's in... What do you mean? Look at him. What did Bob Saget do? Oh, my God.

He was a saint. Isn't he Jewish? Isn't that... How do you think heaven works? Okay. Christians invented it. Okay, what's this... What?

Oh my God. That's accurate. All right. You're the fucking Lord of the Rings guy. That's how mythology works. All right, Bob Saget's in hell. Thank you. Yeah, do you think...

He's the only podcast proud enough to announce... Do you think Bob Saget is in hell regretting his booster? No, do you think Bob let me just okay? Let me rephrase it Do you think Bob Saget? You know knowing you had a heart attack said maybe I wish I would have waited a week to get the booster. I Don't know sir. Do you think if you were in hell having been killed as a Jew, right? Well, that's... I'm a Jewish man

in hell is the scenario. Well, they weren't baptized, so they're going to hell. Okay. I didn't invent it. Why are we going to dwell on it? You're making it a big deal. No, you brought it up. Why is Bob Saget? He's not in hell. He's not in hell. He's fine. Yes, he is.

No, he isn't. Did he accept the love of Jesus Christ after he got his booster? Maybe. Did they read you your last rites after you get a booster because you're going to die? As he was dying, he might have looked into the sky and said, Jesus, take me home. That's not good enough. That is good enough. No, there's paperwork that you have to do. No, no, no. You have to

get read your last rites by a fucking priest. No, that's not true. You just have to let him into your fucking heart or whatever. Oh, that's not how heaven works. If you think that's how it works, that's not how it works. You're going to fucking hell, bro. Jesus has changed all the fucking rules. Everybody's a believing heart.

Do you believe in hell and heaven? No. Okay, so you're just playing it up. But Bob Saget is dead. Yeah. Wherever he dead. Yeah. Wherever he is. Right. Do you think at the moment he died, he regretted getting the booster?

I don't think that was what went through his mind. You don't think that a little bit? I don't think that was what was in his head. Not even a little bit? No, I think he went, ow, my heart, and then he probably keeled over. And then he probably thought, ah, fuck that booster. I wonder if it's that booster that did this. It might have been the booster.

I don't know. If I was dying of a heart attack. Why did I tell you that he got the, I shouldn't have even brought it up. Because now you're going to use that every time. I didn't even know it was a heart attack. Yeah. This is just another feather in your vaccines or evil cap. No, I don't want people to die, especially not Bob Saget.

Yeah. Well, no, excuse me. I want people to die die, especially not Bob Saget. Yeah. Well, no, excuse me. I want people to die from COVID. Not Bob Saget. Well, just like whomever would have died from COVID. Do you feel bad that Bob Saget is dead? No, I don't care. Okay.

All right. Great. What are our problems, Dick? Well, it was so, like Bob said. Okay, that's just, you know what? This is already poisoned, this whole discussion. I don't need anymore. It was always like, oh, he's so dirty.

Bob's acting so dirty, but he's on full house. Oh, he's so dirty. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Every comedy podcast right now is eulogizing him, and we're the one comedy podcast where we go, yeah, you know, I never fucking liked that like that guy. Yeah, because they think like sucking cock is going to make them famous. Yeah.

It's pathetic. Bob Saget, rest in peace. In hell? No, not in hell. Can you just move along on this? I'm done with this. Stop. Okay. The whole comedy community is going to, those two assholes, they talk shit about Bob Saget. Oh, you're afraid that I'm fucking up your reputation now. You're fucking up my reputation. The comedy community Those two assholes They talk shit about Bob Saget

You're afraid that I'm fucking up your reputation You're fucking up my reputation The comedy community Oh Ryan Long That's the comedy community I like that guy Ryan Long I'm saying He's the only one you gotta worry about

Everybody else is like regurgitating I'm not denying it Alright So what are our problems Sour grapes to worry about. Yeah, he's the king. Everybody else is like regurgitating. I'm not denying it. All right. So what are our problems? Our problems are sour grapes, inflation, media length,

lengthy media, overlong media, however we end up putting it. Too long a media. Too long a media. Yeah. And studio mandated diversity. Industry mandated diversity.

I don't know. What do you mean industry? Film and film. Industry mandated diversity. I don't know. What do you mean industry? Film and film. Industry is like chemical plants. You're talking about industry like you're in Hollywood. You're not in Hollywood. Forest diversity in film. How's that?

Forest diversity. In film. In film. Flim? Flim. Yeah, in flim. What the fuck? Simpsons.

Yeah, all right, that's true. All right. Okay. Do we do voicemails now? I guess so. I've heard that these are some spicy ones. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

There's a lot about you and Mr. Girl. Great. Here we go. I really enjoyed Mr. Girl on the show. Please never have him on again. They enjoyed him, though. Short and to the point. Okay.

Oh, my God. Dick, Vito. I hope to God Dick is there, man. Here's the biggest fucking problem. Vito and his milquetoast shit. My God, this fucking new episode sucks ass. Oh, wow. I never really realized how much actual fucking comedy or just how much humor Dick actually brings.

Fuck you. Jesus Christ. Your fucking problem is celebrity pop-up fucking places in other pre-existing restaurants? Yes. What kind of problem is that that's like the most retarded shit ever oh gee i saw i saw somebody say that it was raw and oh that's a big problem who gets a flying fuck it's just a pop-up fucking thing man sorry you're fat ass like i didn't hear that part. I need to make sure I get the best little burger delivered to me. It hurts.

All right. All right. All right. I get it. Okay. All right. Wow. Oh, come on.

This is Val. Now we got to cut it out. What do you think about that guy? That homophobe. Yeah. Well, I think he distracts from his own point with such potty language. He does. I agree. I think my problem is.

I was with him until the end. I disagree with everything now. I think tricking people and ordering Chuck E. Cheese is still a problem. I think you even agree that it's a problem. That was bad. When they rebranded Chili's Wings to Wing World or whatever. That's bad, man. That's tricky.

Because you're risking a lot. When you order wings, you're like a woman going out on a date. Yeah. You're trusting that the wings won't rape you. Yeah. You're taking a risk. So when you're trusting that the wings won't rape you. Yeah taking a risk So when they deliver like fucking Chili's wings like I know I know that Chili's would have raped me. Yeah, you should have said I would have never ordered this if I knew it was Chili's

It's a trick. They're tricking you I agree with that. Thank you Okay, here's more um okay here's more hey dick hey vito i'm just calling to say that i think mr girl's fucking problem about the apology words or whatever the fuck those are that's the most retarded shit i think i've ever heard in my entire life he doesn't use them because he thinks he's manipulative what the fuck does he think everything else everybody does that is the manipulative women wear makeup so that they're manipulative, manipulated, and they're not...

Wait, how does this guy say manipulative? Manipulative. It's a manipulative. Let's hear it again. ...a damn time. Oh, wait, wait. That's just retarded. I have no...

...manipulated, and they're not thinking they're a fucking sea monster. Men wear deodorants who you're manipulated into thinking they don't smell Like a fucking dumpster All this goddamn time That's just retarded I have no problem

With anything else he says That is retarded I fucking hate him now That's stupid as shit Bye I think Mr. Girl would say That makeup is another He doesn't approve of

Well I don't know His girlfriend must wear makeup Yeah I think that's a manipulation You accept though Because you're like You gotta put something on. Because you look like a monkey.

Yeah. You look horrible. Yeah. Without the makeup. Maybe throw in some surgery, too. No offense to Mr. Girl's girlfriend, who's a good-looking lady. I mean, well, now you're making it seem like I'm meaning offense. No, but I'm saying she's not the monkey.

Some women. They're all monkeys all right i mean this is science that i'm talking from right we're all apes i just don't want it to get back to mr girl that hey they were calling your girlfriend you brought his girlfriend up for no reason but because it's mr girl i've said he would probably say that about make and whatever whatever. I don't care anymore. We got any nice voicemails here? No, there's no nice voicemails here. What a great job I did on the show. I think this week, Vito is the biggest problem in the universe.

Oh, God. So, Vito, I know how you like your retro gamer tech. I actually have a retro piece of technology for you that you might be interested in it's called rs feed uh that's short for rdf site summary or really simple syndication um rss feed when uh one of the co-hosts is sick and uh you're doing a show with someone else it lets you upload to a site other than fucking YouTube, you stupid day-go-fuck. Oh.

I don't have to listen to the biggest problem on YouTube. I think I uploaded it. Yeah, wait, why am I catching the flag for this? I don't know. Stop this. Okay, I stopped it. Dick, why does it- I uploaded it right away.

No, no, no, but everybody for some reason thinks that I update the RSS feed and the audio and everything. That's dick. Unless it's bad, then you did it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. By the way, the audio that you recorded was atrocious. I don't know how that's true. You had the gain cranked up. That might be true.

Yeah, every single thing you said was redlined. And whatever you had at AC running the entire time was maxed. But hold on. That was my raw audio had that? Yes. It must have just been what I recorded it in. You recorded it. It sounded fine on YouTube, right?

Well, no. But I used that microphone for all my YouTube videos. No one ever comments anything videos I don't know Whatever you sent was bad I'll post a segment of it No but why You should have just used the audio from the YouTube I did

Yeah so what's the problem Cause it still sounded bad Cause Mr. Girl's voice was like Like Catherine Hepburn the whole time You know you can like There's plugins to normalize the audio For speech To level out the speech So each person's the same level and Hepburn the whole time. You know, you can like, there's plugins to normalize the audio for speech, to level out the speech

so each person's the same level. I'm sorry, what? Next time, send me the audio and I'll fuck you up. You had the audio the whole time. No, no, no, no, no, but I didn't look.

You sent it to me on Sunday night after I was already drunk. All right. Look, I've got a lot going on. Here you go. I've got a lot of things i'm working on hey what the fuck veto why are you like pretending to be dick on on the fucking i don't think i was probably

there this is this guy dick's not there doesn't mean we absolutely have to have dick there you know what i'm saying no you go back to being veto i'm fine with regular veto but super outspoken veto who all of a sudden absolutely hates women is really fucking weird stop that dude okay anyway all right what do you think about that i don't think i was trying to be you i think people just saw a side of veto that they know it depends on who i'm interacting with if i am in a situation joker he's in a situation i'm in a situation with a low energy person that i will fill the lack of energy naturally with my own charisma thankfully dick you bring so much energy that i actually dial myself back oh back so that the entire show is not

bombastic and insane. Compliments don't work on me. Well, don't take it as a compliment. I just said that you're loud. All right. One more. All right. I think this is in support.

I have veto Twitter support. Yeah, I don't think that's in support. Veto. Veto. Veto. I hate your problems. Thank you. I hate them.

Most of them are garbage. But I got to say, you're doing something right on Twitter. Well, there you go. You know, every 90 days, you get somehow, somehow, that no one can comprehend. Somehow, you manage to get everybody to call you a pedophile on Twitter. It's amazing. I know. You can mark it down on a calendar.

Yeah, true. Between 85 and 100 days, you get everybody on Twitter to call you a pedophile. Because you said we pedophiles. I hate that too. Funny, but I hate that too. But I just can't get enough of your intro on your second channel I don't know if it's the same intro I don't watch that shit yeah the intro to the second channel thank you people love my youtube intro dick

keep that going big boy I love it keep it up there you go people tell me I have the best intro on YouTube and what's your intro that one me I have the best intro on YouTube. What's your intro? That one with the little, the Nintendo turns on, and then I'm on the TV, and I'm screaming at everybody. You've seen it, I'm sure. No. When you start watching one of my videos.

No, I haven't seen that. Okay. Somehow. I always skip right past that when I watch your videos. Well, a lot of people do, but the people who watch it, they love it, and I am very good at getting everyone on twitter mad at me uh no he said specifically calling you a pedophile no but i'm thinking mad at me for other shit too like that time i had cockroaches in my playstation and they all said i was

that was so fucking funny time i posted the picture of me with the bath water and they all freak out at me i always go viral for the worst things. But it works for Vosh. It does? Everyone on Twitter thinks Vosh is a pedophile. Have you seen Vosh's wife? Have you seen Vosh's subscriber count? I would rather be a pedophile than fuck the heffa lump Vosh goes to bed with. You can take all those communist dollars he's raking in and upgrade at any point.

If Vosh was fucking little boys, it would be less disgusting than what he's currently fucking. Don't you think? I reserve comment on that situation. If Vosh was fucking little boys, it would be less disgusting than what he's currently fucking. Don't you think? I reserve comment on that situation. Mr. Girl very delicately said that when I call Vosh's wife fat, it's like that he is calling her fat. Yeah, he did say that. He said, well, I don't want people to think I'm calling her fat.

I know. But it is like that, though. That's why I do it. Yeah. Because it's like... And this is why me and you are toxic for Mr. Girl's brand, and I understand that. No, I'm like Israel. I'm like everybody's Israel.

Because I call everyone's wife fat. Yeah. They come to me, and I say, oh, L'chaim. Yeah. So what have we got going on today, boys? A little bit of a wife battery going on here? What is she? Let me see. You provide a very good public service, my friend.

Oh, Carl was here because they're calling out Chris, because someone's calling out Chrissy Mayer. Who are these podcasts, Carl? You want to read them? Dominic's for $5 says, whatever happened in Not Safe for Women, Dick? Is it a dead project? I'd really enjoy another book for you. I don't know. I wrote the book and I don't know.

Publishing's a weird space now. Who's buying books? I didn't even try to sell it. I just sell it directly, but it just feels kind of lame. Do an audio book. Well, that's the show. Yeah i mean prepared bits yeah i don't know think about it i'll think about it peter r for five dollars his idea for a new podcast the biggest non-problem in the universe the candidates are the tampon tax transphobia and finally the gender pay gap that's's kind of the biggest non-problem.

Yeah. We could have guests in who could bring transphobia in. That was the idea, is we got to get like a communist to bring in capitalism. And he can really tell us why it's a kick in the pants. Yeah, I thought you would bring those in, but then you piss off more people than I do. I'm not a communist. That's not what I said. Yeah, you thought I would bring in like liberal cuck problemsuck problems no that you'd bring in guests who brought those in why do you think i know anyone

i'll try to find you know more liberal cucks than i can bring them in on you want a bunch of like white supremacists i can find you white supremacists in 20 minutes i can get a white supremacist on the show i know in 20 minutes i can get your white supremacist anytime, anytime. Don't fucking talk to me about it. Okay. Well, if you want people to call, I'm a child. We can have people call in.

I don't know anybody in LA. That's going to come in. You got to have, they gotta be, you don't know. Oh, you don't know any liberal cucks in LA. Anybody in LA.

They all suck. Or they don't want to be friends with me anymore. Oh, let's see. Shin, Shan to somebody, whatever says for five dollars tarted or black that seems a little okay by the way dick venti's knocker pics are already

online you're welcome i don't want pictures of britney vennie's tits i want the tits yeah but i mean no no no no no i don't want to spoil them You want to keep them wrapped up until they're ready to be yours Come on You don't want a picture of a PlayStation 5 I don't want to look at someone's tits That it doesn't want their tits looked at That's even worse Are there leaked nudes of her?

Is that what it was? Or did she do porn at some point? I don't know Not with me I'm interested Listen, compute for ten dollars this biggest problem sob story guilt tripping for example you're on twitter and come across a tweet that says pray for me with a sob story attached by the time you read this i'll be

dead hashtag lived my best life yeah do i what people say that by the time you read this I'll be dead oh yeah like they killed themselves no that'll be like I have terminal cancer here's like

you know 10 pages of it's pretty terminal believe in yourself and never give up by the time you read this it's like 500 hours of reading

by the time you play this video game I'll be dead yeah it's just it's depressing but hey whatever how you doing sob story guilt tripping yeah you play this video game, I'll be dead. Yeah. It's just, it's depressing. But hey, whatever. How you doing?

Sob story guilt tripping. Yeah. Well, that's on you, bro. That's on you for feeling bad. Well, I feel kind of bad when people... That's weakness.

Okay. I'm a weak man. The weakness consumes me. Here we go. Listen, compute for another 10. Biggest problem, passive aggressive cross there's

people who walk slow across the crossing section of the shopping mall they're diagonally and towards you oh yeah i know what he's talking about i've ever told i've told this story in the show maybe a long time ago oh man one of the best best and most disappointing moments of my life this fucking dude i was i still remember it like it would just happen just happened tonight i was parked in my truck in the middle of a three-lane road it's a six-lane road but three lanes going one way right okay up in santa clarita back back when i lived with sean when i was like 25 or something like that. I was parked in my truck. Yeah. F-150. Big F-150.

And this fucking dude is walking across the crosswalk all slow. It's counting down. It's like three, two, and he's still in the fucking opposite three lanes. Yeah. Like, oh, you fucking asshole. Whatever. It's in a shitty part of town. I'm like, I know you're not going to shuck it in. I'm like, I know you're not going to fucking sit in the'm like I know you're not gonna fucking sit in the middle dude

You're gonna keep walking I fucking know it So I'm in my pickup In the middle of the three lanes right This little car is here on the left And there's nobody In the lane on the right And he's walking and shucking I'm like

I know where this might be going, right? Yeah. Sure enough, he starts fucking crip walking in front of my car. And I see in my rear view, headlights crest the hill behind and start barreling down in the far right lane. Right? Green light, by the way. Yeah. At this point, the light turns green when he's in front

of the lady next to me no hurry at all just just marching across the thing i said oh yeah and he's looking yeah yeah have a good night middle of the night right have a you know 10 30 at night have a nice you don't want to walk too fast, upset yourself. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Car crests the thing, comes fucking screaming down in the right. And I said, oh, my God. This is going to be fucking amazing. This guy walking as slow as possible. And this car going, God, I mean, it's a thoroughfare. Right.

I think it might be. I think it's Soledad. And everybody goes way too. They got all those signs saying, slow down, you fucking, slow down. I'm going downhill. Oh, God. Come on, baby, come on. And this car was going too fast.

It misses him by probably an inch. Oh, man. Like his hoodie gets, at any moment, I could, you know, honk or do anything. And I'm like oh god you were waiting for him to get demolished yeah killed yeah

I'm like oh god come on and he's like looking back like he's all I'm like I know I know

I'm such a pussy cause you're holding me up you have dominance over me and this car goes it goes and his coat goes bling

and he goes takes a step back, jumps a step back. His eyes are about the size of the head, and I fucking lay on the horn like this. He goes, and he screams again and then runs off the street.

I got the honk. The honk felt good, but God, I just wanted to see splat. You wanted to see a ragdoll. I'd probably be a senator right now if that had happened. I'd be so happy. It was so close. I go to bed every night just wanting to get in a time machine.

Wishing you could have seen a man be demolished by a car. So I could put on my hazards or something to try to slow that guy down a little bit. A little bit. A little bit. So he would have waited. He would have hit the... I mean, even if he would have hit the brakes, there's no chance of not hitting that guy.

I'm sorry. You were denied the ability. It's one of the happiest memories of my life. Almost happy. No, it is still happy. Because you did get to scare him. Yeah.

It is still happy. Because I can imagine that he got hit. It was close enough, but still. Okay, you psychopath. Mike Hunt for five says Mr. Girl's total inability

to understand the point of manners reminded me of Maddox but with a higher IQ well that's a he understands manners women are being manipulative absolutely

John Riffs for five says the booster will not kill Vito inshallah inshallah Mike Hunt for five kids don't want representation

on cartoons. We all hated Spike. The kid from Transformers slammed a bunch. Absolutely true. Wait, which one's Spike? The human. The human in what? In Transformers.

They all treated like a pet. Yeah, Spike and his fucking dad. Okay, but there's been good black characters that have been... Spike wasn't black. He was... He was white? I mean... So he was human He was white? I mean... So he was human representation.

Yeah, you were... You... They put him in there so you would identify with a human. Yeah, I don't think... But you didn't need him. No. Just Transformers.

Okay, that's a whole different fucking... Like, I'm not saying... How is it different? I'm not saying you need representation in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because it's about turtles. But now they would need a black turtle. I don't... Whoa, isn't it? I don't know. No, they don't need a black turtle I don't Whoa isn't it?

I don't know No they don't need a black turtle They're all theoretically black But they would need to say No These kids These kids need to see a black guy No

They made Raphael black Right Kinda For the movie They made Jazz the Transformer black so Oh god Let's just move it along Are there any other super chats here? They made jazz the transformer blank, so. Oh, God. Let's just move it along. Are there any other

super chats here? They made jazz? Yeah, in like the second Transformers movie, he shows up and he goes, I'm jazz. I'm a transformer.

What is that voice? Then he was dancing. That's the jazz voice. That's what jazz sounds like. Shin Chan, $5. Biggest problem, guys that like butts.

What? Makes women not want huge knockers and get knocker reductions. Vito is wrong. I don't think an appreciation of the butt leads to knocker reductions, my friend. Anyway, thanks to everybody who came by. Great show. Thanks for all the voicemails congratulating me on an excellent fill-in episode,

which is Dick's fault for not being. Here's another one. Okay. Vito, next time you get a guest co-host for whatever reason could you please select somebody who has heard this show before or is a comedian or something someone who understands the comedy podcast and not i don't know what the fuck Mr. Grohl thought your show was, but I've never heard someone have less charisma in my life. No way, that's true.

It just sucked the energy out of a show so poorly. I think he knocked it out of the park. And what's weird is I like the guy when he's on Dick's show. I'm in this weird relationship for a minute. Oh oh man oh man is that guy's a void of charisma oh wow go fuck yourself go fuck yourself he laid it on with lauren southern though he's he's good in the right situation i mean with lauren southern then he was like really piling on the charisma needled really needled her. Oh, man. Well, he was trying to get there. All right.

Biggestproblem.show. What were you going to say? I have no idea. Biggestproblem.show. See you guys. Patreon.com slash biggestproblem. Check out our bonus episode number three, which is still up. Yes.

And I won, by the way. No way. Yeah. Death of Norm MacDonald. That was the tiebreaker. Oh, fuck that. the tiebreaker Oh Fuck that I win 2021 Fuck that

No way Eat my dick buddy Get a whole year Alright goodbye