The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 240

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Vito Gesualdi and Karl from WhoAreThese.com discuss how they will never ever forget

How's it going, everybody? It is Biggest Problem, episode 240 with my good friend Carl Hamburger. How you been, Carl? Oh, we're good friends. Two appearances that we're good friends? That's my quick, man. My best, yeah, my, my soon-to-be at my wedding, my best man. I feel like we went from holding hands to get into second base just now.

I'm still in the hand-holding mode. We're here with Carl, a cantankerous individual who shows up randomly to Rasmby. How you been, man? What's been going on? I've been fantastic. today's been a very busy day for me. I had dabble verse. I got my hair dead.

And then I had dabble verse live. Is that what you call it? Yep. I hosted a podcast. And then I had to write 40 jokes because the ice house are performing tomorrow. And then I had to record the jokes with the isotopes announcer. And now I'm here. What do you mean you had to write jokes for the isotope?

I thought the isotopes is your band where you don't, nobody sings. Exactly. Instrumental band. There's no microphones on stage. No one talks. We have pre-recorded announcements between songs that are just. jokes and so i get together with people go in for do you get like a lot of people coming out they're like i love that band where there's no lyrics and i get to listen to jokes between every

song no i've never heard that my life no no one's ever been like sweet here come the jokes but i will tell you i wrote a lot of good 9-11 jokes for the show well that's that's i feel good about it yeah now's the now's the time for it uh like do you have like isotopes diehards do you have guys who come out to every show yeah okay i'll tell you a funny story about that we don't play a lot of weddings we're not a wedding band we did play one like about a month ago it went really well which was cool but we played a wedding on 9-11 this is going back a few years and i when we got hired the right not the original 9-11 but it was odd to september 11th right so we got hired for that was like oh that's interesting they're hiring the ice dumps which we

know we're kind of a joke ban we bust balls and stuff they're getting married in 9-11 they probably really gets us to hear about this stuff so i write all of these jokes about them getting married on 9-11 and oh no it's the biggest bunch of squares you've ever seen at this wedding party it's like oh this sucks they hated us fast forward so you're talking about diehards these couple came to every single one of our shows so cool to see you every time like oh so good to see you guys how you doing boa fast forward to this year only the husband's showing up by i think they are divorced oh no yeah wait you did a wedding and you thought for the wedding you should write 9-11 jokes is that they hired the isotopes to reform there were

We're not a wedding band. I thought they'd like that. Yeah, but it's still a wedding, man. What does you go? Like, what do you even say? I hope this union is, uh, more explosive than jet fuel melting steel beams. Like, what are you doing there? Or did you get married so that he would never forget the anniversary?

You know, I don't know. I don't know what it was. Bro. I, I, I, call you have like this weird. I don't know, man. You existed like this space because you're telling me when you went on the, the news program, whatever. you're talking about the old hags who grow up and can't be the dancing girls anymore.

Maybe that's what people love about you, Carl, is your ability to actually read the room. Unlikable in every way. That's what people like about you. No, no, no, no, just the opposite. Well, it's interesting you bring up your likability. We had a lot of comments from the last time you were on. You're on like three weeks ago. We'll get into those.

Real quick, the winners from last week's episode were arms chair marksman. Those are guys who see you shoot a black woman. who's running towards a cop with a knife and go, well, why don't you shoot her in the leg? Gesture tracking, which was Dr. Kevin's confusing thing about how all the robots are tracking. Did you know when you do this and like the confetti shows up, you know, or like you do the,

apparently all the robots are tracking that. Too many emojis and my argument that we need the laws of robotics to keep the AI in check. So guys, don't forget, go to Biggest Problem. Show, vote on all the problems. We had comments. I brought up the comments from your episode, Carl,

because there was some of the comments. interesting stuff. Great. Quick scope king. So this shows a lot better now that one of the hosts does not despise the other one. So that's good. Wait, which one? You don't despise me? Is that what they're saying? I was going to say, I was like, I don't think they understand that the despising is still there. It's just, you know, we play it off better. Fork my dongle says Carl likes to shit at home because it's easier for him to eat it. Yeah, there's a lot of people who are claiming I eat poop. but it's confusing because some people say I eat other people's poop and some people will say I eat my own poop and listen if there was going to be poop that I ate it would only be from young hot ladies all right I'm just putting it out there okay you do have standards all the single ladies who are watching the Brazilians the Asians you're not getting like a big fat white ladies dump truck that that's not fun posh weevil says I immediately unsubscribe from WATP after Carl's work poop problem his co-workers definitely hated this guy. So your problem was, again, people trying to take a poop at work. And a lot of people in the comments said, well, I work.

I feel like I should be allowed to poop at work. You're making the argument, no. I've gotten a lot of pushback on that one. I talked about it on the Dick Show many years ago. And a lot of people are like, fuck you. Not paying me enough. I'm going to shit at work. I get it.

But that's why I think it's a one percent or thing. I think it's a, I get it. The oligarch are coming down on the working band. Here's my thing, Vito. If you are working an amenial job, and I worked in those jobs, obviously, growing up, go to fast food. You'd be stupid not to work in fast food. You make 15 bucks an hour, which you're way overpaid. You're paying three times.

Now you're making terrible advice. You think people should get fast food jobs? Yes, they get paid more than anyone. It's an easy job. What are you talking about? What do you mean? How? You don't know about this?

No, tell me. So the fast food companies made it so. that they pay their, the employees, I guess, of not the companies, they weren't for it. The employees decided they need to get paid more. So if you were gonna fast food restaurant, minimum wage is 15 bucks. That's not a lot though.

That's not crazy. Do you, I know you eat fast food a lot, right? Sure, yes. Have you noticed? Have you noticed, but first of all, you didn't have to phrase the question that way. Yeah, no, you're eating fast food. All right, go ahead.

Have you noticed that the price of fast food has gone up exponentially? In fact, you could eat cheaper at Applebee's. That's true. Then you can at Wendy's, which is wild. Chili's is specifically being like, yeah, we're, we're actually cheaper now than going to McDonald's, which makes no sense. Because it's got an entire back of house and everything. They force these fucking companies to pay the workers 15 bucks an hour, which is way more than they're worth.

And so get the fuck out of the shitter, do that at home and get on the friator. Already in the comments, people are going, oh, man, he's just doubling down on this one. Yeah. Carl, I think you got to let your people shit. I think it's one of those things where, you know, whenever people complain about, like, welfare, I always go, well, all right, think about it this way. Would you rather have, you know, a crazy poor guy running around on the street being an asshole to everybody? Or would you rather give him just enough to make them like, I'll just eat this government cheese and not go rob and rape and whatever else? Is that what happens?

A little bit. Yeah. The government is trying to create as few, you do as little as you can for people so that they don't cause problems for anyone else. And that's all welfare is. Is that what you think that is? I think it's to get people to vote for you. It's like Trump saying I'll give you $5,000 after the midter elections or Democrats saying universal basic income. Like vote for me and $1,000 in your bank account every month.

They give a shit about violence or anything like that. I'm excited to get Trump's big check. No, it's, okay, it's this, here's the thing. The second they graduate to the point. of causing enough trouble that you have to put them in prison. Now the cost of that individual has five-exed. Are they putting people in prison? Where do you live in California, right?

Are they putting people in prisons? The prisons are overcrowded. We've got to pay for the prisons. So you just want to be like, that's why the goal of any government now is to go, here's some Netflix. Here's a, you can buy an iPhone every couple of years and enough health care so you don't bleed out on the street. Here's a solution, all right?

Okay. I'm not saying an eye for an eye. I don't want to Sharia law or anything like that. Can we just send all that? the criminals of Venezuela. They're working on that. Right? Isn't that the answer to this?

Like it frees up on the prison population is overcrowded. It's expensive. I agree. The problem is when we did it with Australia and then they made a whole nation out of it. Now they're just kind of annoying. Oh yeah. They're playing fucking NFL football there right now. And I forgot about it.

I'm going to turn that on. Thanks for reminding me. Well, Chaos Most 24 asks, what is Carl's advice to people with stomach issues who will inevitably have to shit while at work. All right. I'll make an exception for you, sir. I understand.

Let him down. You got some tummy problems. I understand, buddy. Tommy problems, but then everyone's going to claim tummy problems. There's any holes in your plan. I've gone through tummy problems, so I get it. I can emphasize or empathize. What do I say?

You said, I can emphasize. I can emphasize that. That's one big poop you got there, buddy. Put an emoji on it. Let's see. So Infernal Goose says, this is a top-not show, but I'm missing the UFO sound effect. Guys, I'm trying to find some great sound effects for the show.

We got this. We got this. Oh, yeah. And me and Carl were doing dueling buzzers. We're going to lick, lick, lick my boasts. So we're going to keep adding great sound effects of this show. Maybe the UFO sound effect could come back. I got to find a good one, though.

The one dickhead was fucking terrible. Let's see. The Claw says Carl should be the regular co-host. And Goody McGoatface says, nice, last episode was good. This episode is good, even though Carl isn't usually very funny. So. So I actually exceeding expectations for once. It's good to hear.

You really surprised people. They're like, well, no, it's not just that douchebag. All he doesn't talk about stirring John all the time. But on here, you get to let loose. I thought you were going to say the Simpsons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the Simpsons as well. I always do something all the time, right.

The Jerry Banfield saga continues. news over on your channel. I'm loving the Jerry Banfield stuff. Yeah, guys, if you're not following Carl WATP on YouTube, you can see his YouTube channel right there. Go check it out. And another thing we're going to check out is one of our most beloved segments. It's called Voted up.

Oops, I voted it up. I went to the site and clicked on the thing. Oh, baby, baby. If you. I really put a lot of work on that one. Guys, it's voted up. Talking about all the past problems from the show. And this is one that is near and dear to my heart.

How do you feel about Nazis, Colonel? I am anti-Nazis. I don't know what you've heard. I don't know what people have told you. I am against. I'll tell you a quick story. Yeah, go ahead. The first time who are these podcasts at a live show is in Chicago.

And last minute, Dick came out to the show, which was great. He was with us for it. And a guy gave me a copy of Minkf on stage. He came out to me and handed me mine comp. On stage? Yeah. How did he introduce that? He said, Carl, I got a real.

I brought a gift for you, Carl. I was, yeah, come on up. What do you got for me? You know? Did he wrap it up? No. He just had it ready to go. Oh, come on.

You got to put a bow on that one. And I was like, you're embarrassing me in front of Dick. He's going to think I'm a Nazi now. You know, he's like, why did he give you? Oh, yeah, that I don't know. I don't know any fucking. I was explaining to him. I was explained to him.

I was explained to him. It's not my bag. And I barely can read German. So I only got. Yeah. third of it. Well, once you get that one, then you've got to move on to the Turner Diaries. I don't know if you ever read that book, but that's the real Page Turner.

We did a whole, I did a whole thing. How, how, how, I don't understand. I did, I had to explain this to Dick as well. You guys are in extremist online space is talking about the future of the white race. I'm not. I'm not. I promise you. I'm not.

Look at you. Come on. You basically got that. But my own Discord server chases me away. Are you kidding me? Well, the Turner Diaries was a very interesting book about the future. of race wars. Who wins?

I don't own a copy. I don't want to shock you. But us somehow, I was going to say the good guys. And then I went, don't say the good guys. Yes. Go team. Well, guys, from episode 85, this is the problem of Nazis are too cool. It's the problem that the Nazis, as much as we want to hate them, we look back at them. And we go, those were some cool guys. They had some cool stuff going on.

They built cool looking weapons. They wore cool looking clothes. And somebody who agrees is President Donald Trump, who posted an image of dark next generation U.S. Space Force uniforms on Sunday, which the text claims are inspired by the discipline and functionality of the Starship Trooper uniforms. Have you seen these new Space Force uniforms, Carl? I'm not. I'm trying to make these larger here. I don't know why it's so small. So this is

Donald Trump posted this on truth social Look at that logo man I'm like okay space force Hell yeah it's kind of got like a cross You know it's like a little Christian nation Isn't that Star Trek? Am I way off on this? I thought this was like Star Wars looking

But no it is Well yeah Well let's be real The logo looks Star Trek Yeah I mean these are just kind of Nazi This is some Hugo Boss German design here Which by the way

The one thing that JJ Abrams got right in the sequels was turning the empire into Nazis. Like that was pretty cool, right? But they didn't stick with it. If they had stuck with it, bro, in that Force Awakens when he's just up there and he's just going, jago, jaka, jaka! And then he fucking blows up a fucking planet. And then in the second and third movie, that Nazi guy is like a goofball comic.

Oh, geez, I'm in charge of the Nazis. Whoa. Yeah, look at me. I'm a ginger. I don't know what I'm doing over here. Like, what the fuck? This guy used to be cool. Dude, they totally fucking botched it.

It really, yeah, that was one of the worst parts which you're like, you can't in the first movie be like, these guys are the real deal Nazis. And then the second movie, they're goofball, screw around fucking bumble houses. Well, it's not to get into Star Wars talk with you all night, but it's like Darth Mall. Like, we were sold in the prequals.

We were sold with Darth Mall. We saw him, we're like, that's a fucking cool villain right there. This is going to rock. Dude had one line who was like, hey, man, what's up? And then he gets cut in half and you never see him again. like, what the fuck out of the villain was? I guess there's a new series out with them, right? Yeah, but look, that Star Wars, that Star Wars, that Star Wars biggest problem is the coolest

looking guys. I don't know why. They design Boba Fett, coolest looking guy. How does he die? Hans Solo? Ooh! And like stumbles into his jetpack. They brought that Captain Fasma bitch out.

I'm sorry. I don't want to Star Wars trump you right now. Boba Fett did not die. He survived that. And then for some reason decided to rule over the town that was near. The stupid as shit, the dumbest fucking preface possible. Dude, I have a whole video complaining about that Boba Fett show. And it literally was like, hey, what if we made The Godfather, but the Godfather was a really nice guy.

Who at the time anybody betrayed him or crossed him or did something in his town? He's like, you work for me now because I like your spunk and moxie. When I think Boba Fett, I think altruism. That's the characteristic. this sums up this guy. Also, for some reason in that series, they decided to, like, go off and do the Mandalorian for two episodes and then come back again. I was like, wait, what's going on? We're just, now we're just in the Mandalorian? Bro, if we go down on this rabbit hole, I'll do it for an hour. All right, let's not. Let's not. I'm sorry. We should do a Star Wars episode.

Okay. Okay. Anyway, uh, here's our new Space Force uniforms, clearly inspired by Starship Troopers, which in turn was inspired by some certain German designs. And this is, again, I think, I think, I think this is a very real problem because you look at this. You go, well, it looks good, but we can't do it. We can't do it because certain people complain. Not enough red. Is that what you're saying? Not enough red.

I agree. Trump is off. At 80, posted this on Troth Social. And again, this is modernized for the Guardians of the Space Domain. If you look at the actual Space Force uniforms, it's just normal, boring. Our guys are gay? All the Navy stuff with a little like, ropes hanging off the side or whatever they look gay our guys look fruity i'm like they should look

like murderers you're talking about space force specifically or just the military in general a lot of the mill a lot of our military stuff is pretty gay i know it's like there's too many metals functional there's a lot of here's my problem like these guys are so decorated and people are going to get upset with this too let's think about this about should get work people these guys these military guys are so decorated it's like we haven't won a war in a half a century why are we like actually more than that why the fuck are we decorating these generals so much what do they do i i think that was a well that was a complaint i think that was a problem with the ussr the soviets was it got to the point where you would just get a medal for like waking up every day it's turning into flare like like office

space you know what do we work at t j fridays what the fuck yeah right look at this beautiful lady she's got all sorts of stripes and gar you know it's too much Vien is accessorizing. She gave a hand job to a private. She got three of those. Okay. See, the word private was part of the, anyway. I got there.

Thank you. It stink. Guys, Nazis are too cool. Please go and vote it up. I got one more here, and this one is shocking to me. Carl, you've been watching any TV shows. You a Game of Thrones guy and all. I think we talked about.

this last time. I never got into the Game of Thrones. Yeah, never been in a Game of Thrones. Well, that's good. That's good because I got a better show for you. What if I told you there was a Game of Thrones that was executively produced by Ben Shapiro? How exciting would that be? That's a terrible idea. Hold on. Let me stop you there. What if I said it was created

and directed by Jeremy Boring, the director of lady ballers? Oh, fuck. Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. It makes perfect sense. Yeah. Carl, this is shocking to me. From episode 109, it's the myth of a conservative creative renaissance. This was the time where everybody was giving money to the Daily Wire. They said, we're going to make all these TV shows. We're going to have our own network.

And the whole thing crashed and burned and Ben Shapiro lost a lot of money. And that's where I thought it ended. I thought it was over. Okay? Now, Jeremy Boring got fired from the Daily Wire because he took all their money to make his own Game of Thrones. It's a show called The Penn Dragon's, cycle rise of Merlin. If you ever were like, man, that Merlin guy, I really want to know what makes him

tick. It is the origin story of Merlin the wizard as he reemerges in sub-Roman Britain to unite the fractured kingdoms under threat from Saxon invaders. Didn't get the best reviews. Got like six is out of tens. You know, like a middling kind of thing. Here's the shocking part. What is special effects of it? Dude, they spent a lot of money on it.

That's the thing. Like Jeremy Boring. That's, again, why he got fired from the Daily Wires. They're like, what are you doing? And he goes, I need more money for the wizards. I realize that, like, sets are a thing in the past and everything's made on computers now. But when I watch Game of Thrones or I see Parts, I'm like, that looks expensive. Am I crazy?

Let me see if I could find some images. Dude, they tried to get all the costumes. Right. They tried to get all the set. They were building, like, real sets. They built a whole Roman Coliseum for people to fight or whatever. Rise of Merlin. The Penn Dragon Saga.

Here, I'll show you this real quick. This is a Daily Wire production. Let me pull that up. So this is what it looks like. Let me see the big battle. When your problems was too dark last time. It is too dark. But okay.

Look at all the guys with the big banquet tail. Look at all the guys with the swords and shield. Look at all these fuckers. It looks legit. Sure. Okay. Okay. So the show came out, lost all this money, and everybody said that's it.

You can't make conservative media. Why would you? Okay. How are anyone, who's going to sign up to Daily Wire Plus to watch this garbage? Mm-hmm. Okay. Now, as of this month, and this is shocking to me, the Penn Dragon cycle, Rise of Merlin, is currently the third most popular show on Amazon Prime video.

They actually fucking did it, Carl. Okay. Here's why this doesn't surprise me. There's always some Mel Gibson, Jesus movie or you know some fucking movie where all the people who aren't sinners get brought up to heaven and everyone else says to kill each other on earth and you go I've never seen this marketing anywhere I've never seen any advertising for me I went to the theater last night after to see riff tracks I didn't see any posters for it and yet it made two billion dollars

at its first weekend like oh shit that fucking Bible Belt has money to spend they got some fucking cash dude I also think there's just like you're on Amazon Prime and you're like I don't know got to watch something. And I guess there's just like a significant portion of people who are like, what is it? Guys with swords running around and going, yeah, Mike King and whatever the fight. Oh, you think people are stumbling upon it? Yeah, I don't think they're

seeking it out. I think it's just like, hey, you might be, okay, let's put it this way. You watch all the Game of Thrones and it goes, you might be interested in this show that is clearly just a rip off of that show, except with more Christianity stuff going on, because there's subtle themes about how great Jesus is.

Yeah, okay. Amazon is a big enough platform. that I suppose people see that. But, I mean, it needs a word of mouth. It needs buzz. You're not watching Lord of the Rings if you've never heard of it, right? That's what I thought. I thought you would need buzz. But again, this show is a year old.

It's a year past when it theoretically debuted and all the trailers were there. And everybody went, yeah, I don't really care about that. And then for some reason, it shows up on Amazon Prime. Maybe we're just in a time period where there's nothing new to watch. And it just kind of pops up and it captures the zeit guys. So shockingly, I thought we had written it off. I thought we're done with conservative media. They're going to stop making it.

Now Jeremy Boring is like, well, maybe we could do a second season. Maybe I am a secret creative genius. And I'm going, fuck, maybe he is. I don't know. So you know, I do a show. I do a show called The Creepoff with Vinny. And we have this wheel of consequences where if you lose five rounds, you lose five episodes in a round, you have to spin a wheel of consequences.

Maybe watching that show could be a consequence. See, but here's the thing. I don't even think it's a consequence. The show's probably like totally competent. You think it's decent? I think it's like fine. You know? Okay.

It's like, it's not like a complete disaster. Here's my experience with like conservatives trying to make entertainment programs. They're not great at it. Like I think it was Atlas Shrugged was going to be like this three part movie series. Yes, you're right. And Atlas Shrugged is a great story. And I like Iron Rand and, you know, whatever.

And I remember I watched that. I was like, holy shit, these people can. act and the directing is atrocious. Everything about this sucks balls. So I always assume that when conservatives take over any type of creative project like that, it's not going to be great. I think even Atlas struck, I think they made a second part and they had to change all the actors

because they were like, uh, no, this is not, nobody's coming back for the sequel. Right. It's like Mark Campbell being Luke Skywalker. It's like, I can't get the stink off of me. I think you have to torture anyone with conservative media. You might consider the rights. answer to Bluey. This was another Daily Wire production called Chip Chilla.

Are you aware of this? I'm not. This is featuring the voice of Rob Schneider. Oh, the best conservative comedian there is. Conservative media for kids. Can you believe it? And it's all kids learning about how you have to save money and make sure, you know, put it in a 401k.

Girls have a vagina and boys have a penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they mean a trans. They meet a trans hamster and they beat the shit out of it. You're not welcome here. Get the fuck out. you're weirdo boys yeah

they tried to play on the boys sports the boy tries to play on the girls' sports team and all the other chipmunks eat it eat its babies or whatever the fuck anyway guys that's the myth of a conservative media renaissance I guess it's happening

we'll see we'll see where it goes Jeremy Boring got a big win I had written him off but he's back and he's great that's great I voted it up let's vote it up baby go vote it up

Enter the site and clicked on the thing. Oh, baby, baby. If you. What do you think, Carl, can I make the isotopes? Have you ever let anyone sing over a track? Or is it just like completely off? We actually do these we call isotope-oki shows every year. We do kids.

We learn a bunch of cover size. I have a bunch of our friends come up and sing sides with us. That's red. Well, I've been going for a while, Carl. Why don't you lead us off with the first prom tonight? How's that sound? I do that. Okay.

People are super chatting the show. Before we get into the problems. Yes. We can read some super chats. It's not a terrible idea. Yes. Maybe see what people are thinking out there, what they're saying to us. Well, let me see what I got here for super chats real quick.

Yeah, yeah. Big brain, small brain. Carl, why did you refuse to do my game show? You acted like you would do it last time. I got excited and told everyone. Now I look like a lying art. You haven't done big brain small. I thought you were thinking about doing big brand small brain.

I love game shows. So immediately when you reached out to me, I go, I love that idea. I would love to do it. And what I said was, can you just send me an episode so I can watch it? And, uh, you know, I produced was like, yeah, that's cool. I love doing it. I love game shows. So he sent me your episode.

My episode was bad. Well, I'm watching it. And I realize that it's not a game show. It's him humiliating one person. A game show is contestants competing against each other. This was, hey, can you, do you know what this magic eye is? All right. You got 20 seconds to figure out.

And you're like, I don't know. It's like, oh, it was an umbrella. You're like, I'm sorry. I couldn't get my eyes to fucking change it up to see the umbrella, you know? So I saw that. I was like, well, this is just, there's no winning this. It's just being humiliated. So I said, no, do it.

I do. I love the concept. And I'm sorry, big brain small. Yeah. Some of the, some of the categories were a little complicated where I was like, okay, I got to do a magic eye puzzle on the fly here. What was the point? Like, I'm sorry, game shows have contestants.

Not, hey, how smart. to you. Not very smart. Ha ha. Like, well, okay. Cool. Weird. I mean, I had to spell the names of bees I had never heard of. And also for some reason, I don't know if our audio connection was bad.

I just couldn't tell what the words he was saying. Yeah, the spelling. I watched that portion too. And I'm like, I can't spell for shit. Ever since I've had a computer and a smartphone, spelling is no longer necessary in my world. Yeah, I don't want to spoil the entire show. And guys, you should check out big brain, small brain. It's a great show.

I watch, watch video get humiliated. I won't be on there ever. But it's great. I forget what the name of the category was, but then he's like, it's magic eye puzzles. You have two minutes to do it while a guy talks to you and also you have to do it on a computer screen, which I need the book. You know, the magic eye book I can do. I was trying to play along with your home and I was like, I'm almost there.

I couldn't get it in time either. Well, AK for Tense a shout out to Vito's Dead Dead Dead. Thank you. Papa Giswaldi is watching over us. Did he pass recently? No, he passed like three years ago. But the fans are obsessed with my dead. on there for some reason. My dad passed

last year. Ah, what an upbeat thing. I got to go from an uptempo record into a dead dog. What are we doing here? And Riley and Friends are 5 says, I'm glad you're not competing with biggest problems so I can catch the show live. Sorry Vito, I was a Trixie fan before a Richard fan. That's true.

Trixie, the Golden Witch, is doing the biggest problem in the universe every Friday, I believe. Well, again, we're moving the show around. I don't know if Thursday, Friday, it really kind of depends on the guest and what they're. availability is. But let us, you know, always you can leave a comment. Yeah, I think Thursday just because my band has a show tomorrow night, but Fridays are probably

usually better. All right. Sounds good. All right, Carl, we got a couple super chats in. Guys, please super chat. Let us know throughout the show what's going on? Carl, what is, see, I should have, I should have the right. Let me see here. What's the biggest problem in the universe? All right. The biggest problem in the universe is acting like you were involved in 9-11. There are so many guys. Hold on, hold on, Carl. It's kind of like I was there. I mean, I know I was in a classroom several states away, but wasn't it like we were all there, Carl?

Okay, so it's famously Dick Masterson was almost on all four points. We know that. I know it's incredible. This is the thing that we all know. It's amazing that Dick was almost on all four points. But a lot of people just make up that they were there at 9-11, and it turns out they weren't. And the reason why I bring this up is because Donald Trump in a speech the other day decided to say this. I sent you the video clip.

Watch this shit. All right. This is Donald Trump. This is a clip from Newsweek. Let's see. What did Trump say? I'll never forget two firemen. We thought it was coming down on top of us and two firemen, big strong guys.

And I'm not the smallest guy in the world. They grabbed me under the arms. They got to get out of here. And they literally lifted me up. This is not easy to do. Where was big? They lifted me up and they started running with me. I said, fellas, I can run myself.

But they were amazing, but they thought it was coming down. It didn't come down. US Steel. I'll never forget. There's a lot there. There's a lot to unpack there. So he was not at the World Trade Center where the World Trade Center, and towers were falling down.

He was down there the days after. And he was bringing crews down there to help with the cleanup and stuff like that. That is true. But why he made up the story that, he was by the U.S. Steel building. Is that the building he's claiming he was in? I mean, that's what he just said. Was he in like Trump Tower?

I think he said he said. I thought he was a Trump Tower, which is miles away. But he's saying the reason the building didn't fall is U.S. I think he's saying because the building's made of U.S. steel. Okay. But I think the reason that your tower didn't fall, Trump, is that it didn't get hit by an airplane. I don't think it matters.

Right. But a picture of this scenario. You're standing on the sidewalk. You're looking up at your building, right? and two firefighters are like, I think that thing's coming down of their heads. And Trump's just like,

well, I'm going to stand here. They're like, no, you're not. You're coming with us. They just pick up and start running away with them. It doesn't make any sense. It's like the dumbest story. The firefighters should be down at the Twin Towers.

Yeah. Why are they going into unrelated buildings in grabbing people? Were they go? Was that a part of 9-11? I thought they all went down to the building that was like in trouble. I don't, maybe they went to like, is his building near the world?

aid center where they evacuating other buildings they didn't have time well i mean all the those were evacuating for sure but the fact that there were firefighters there like trying to help him away from so that he thought the building was in the classes it's not tower seven you know a building the class for no reason this building was not going to collapse by the way there is a building just recently in new york that was just collapsing out of nowhere we're not out of nowhere they were doing they were working out and just things were falling out of it was like yeah it's a little shoddy but it's That story is just ridiculous, and he's getting hammered for it, and it's silly. And it just reminded me some other people who claimed they were part of 9-11.

There's a lot. There's a lot of famous 9-11. Well, because let's be, here's what's interesting is that at the time, I think 9-11 hit right around the time the internet was really popping off. Sure. So nobody thought like, oh, and people are going to look into my 9-11 story. So you could just be like, yeah, yeah, my dad who works at Nintendo. it turns out Nintendo's on the 80th floor of the World Trade Center. And he actually surfed his way down the wreckage and managed to escape.

And you could just say shit like that. No one could call you on it. So Steve Rannizisi is one of these guys. Which one Steve Rana Zizi. He's a comedian. He was on the league on FX. Yeah. I thought it was the other guy from the league, but you're right.

No, Steve Ranezzi. And so he moved out to L.A. to, you know, work in comedy and become a celebrity. and yeah there's the guy he claimed that he worked for merrill lynch on the 54th floor of the south tower and he claimed he escaped the building just before the tower collapsed and he claimed it like it was this close call that inspired him to be like all right i got to get out of corporate america i'm going to l.a to become a stand-of-commodian and i start my new life i hadn't heard that part it's one thing to have a 9-11 story is just kind of like a oh yeah you know i was there and i got out

to have it be the foundational origin story of your career and that's what I knew God wanted me to be a comedian. Okay, that is a, that is a step farther than I expected. Yeah. So he told the story and people were buying it and he was getting a lot of attention for it. So people were like, wanted to hang out with him and talk to him. It was always on podcast. Any podcast he went on, they were like, so I heard you escaped the, for the Twin Towers, you know.

Yeah, I mean, this, this is actually predating a lot of podcasts. So he wasn't like making the rounds like that. It was more like him just talking to other comedians and. Okay. getting some juice from that. Eventually he came out that he was lying. He had to go on the Howard Stern show and tell Howard that he made the whole thing up.

And, you know, it started with a little thing because he was in New York. I think he was in Brooklyn or something. What happened? So I could see the smoke, you know. He put out a statement. You want to hear the statement that he put out there? He says, and this was back when you could get canceled for stuff.

Nowadays, if you're like, I lied about this. They're like, well, at least you didn't rape 100 women or something. This was back when you'd be canceled for just kind of lying about. about shit. Renizi relates to statement saying, I told people I was in one of the World Trade Center towers on 9-11. It's not true. I was in Manhattan working in a building in Midtown.

I don't know why I said this. It was inexcusable and I'm sorry. To the victims of 9-11 and the people that love them, I asked. Do you think the victims are the ones who are mad? It's false valor for being in 9-11? No, I highly doubt that that's what's upsetting them about their parents dying. on 9-11. Oh, that Steve Ranezizi.

Oh, that's what really grinds my gears. Pete Davidson isn't like, no, I'm not doing a guest appearance on the league. And after Steve Rennazizi made up that story. Instead, he's playing the Reaunt Mall cop really stole that valor. I can't believe it. Was he in that? He was, he played some sort of bit role in mall. I'm looking at his IMDB real quick.

I see. It is interesting Pete Davidson is out there and he's going, I just don't know what I'm going to tell my daughter. about my dad in 9-11, I go, well, I mean, first of all, she's a baby right now. I don't think you got to tell her anything. Sure. And then the second thing, would you go, Allah needed to punish America. And he did so in the most through the grace of his, the most devout supporters.

Well, I think if I beat Davis and I say your grandfather was a hero, he ran in those buildings, risking his life to save others. And then I made $1.2 million from the Saudi royal family to tell some dick jokes. That's true. So I'm also here. I forgot Pete Davidson did the Rizzini fucking comedy festival. The Riyadh, the Riyadh,

comedy festival. All these comedians. Let me tell you a few more people who, you know, want the stolen valor. Tanya Head. So this is the biggest case of stolen valor from 9-11. She said she escaped the 70th four of the South Tower when the second plane hit was

badly burned and lost her fiancee in the North Tower. You said the biggest one of these, and you are not kidding. Let's take a look at this. Okay, she's big. She was going down the stairs, out up the stairs. She wasn't good. What I did, what I did, Carl, is I rolled myself into a ball as fat people do, and I was able to escape the building just stampeding down.

Upa, no, pa, too. Remember that fat kid from Hook, the black kid? I can do that same thing, and I just rolled my way down the towers. Vita, listen to this. She became the president of the World Trade Center Survivors Network and was treated as the public face of survivors. So when John Stewart was going in front of Congress, he's like, it's people like this. That we got to give billions of dollars to forever out of taxpayer dollars. In 2007, the New York Times showed she was actually in Barcelona.

So it wasn't like Steve Redizzi. He was like, well, I was in Manhattan. I was kind of close. Yeah, yeah. She was in Spain. She had never even been in the towers. in her life. Bro, but like, this is one of those things where I go, that was a good move.

I'm like, shit, you were the head of the fucking association, raking in dollars. Right. It's like that. And that woman who pretended she was black, right? Yeah, exactly. Let me give you a couple more examples. Yeah, this is fascinating. I don't know if you're a Howard Stern fan like I am.

Of course, of course. Bobo. There's a frequent caller. He'd call on every day with a question for Howard. He's actually Steve from Florida. And he used to wear this jacket. There's always 9-11 memorial patches on it. And eventually, yeah, eventually they asked him.

They're like, Bobo, what's up with that check? He said, well, you know, I lost my brother in 9-11. They're like, oh, shit, okay. Here's Bobo's 9-11. There he is. There is the 9-11. This is horrible. Okay.

So he has a giant, giant patch, world trade center heroes with the Port Authority, police and everything. And then all these like little Disney pins. Right. 9-11 with the towers. Uh, This is, wow, okay. Pins like he went to the Olympics that year or something, right.

See, my dad famously had a Negro baseball league jacket with all the patches on it, but he never claimed he played for the league. He just, you know, liked having all the black people's sports teams all over his jacket. That was different. I feel like that's stolen valor as well, isn't it? I think a black person was supposed to buy that jacket. My dad was at a thrift store and he's like, this is awesome. And I'm like, dad, I don't think you want to wear that out in a fucking Holyoke, Massachusetts.

You're not a baseball fan. least favorite day is Frankie Robinson Day. Jackie Robinson. Jackie Robinson, yeah. Frankie was his brother. He played piano in a jazz quartet. Jackie Robinson. You show up.

You're all excited. You're like, I thought it was Jackie Robinson Day. Hey, he was a jazz singer. Everybody gets a free microphone lapel. Okay. You can skat. You can skat like no one you've ever heard. Scott.

Scott. Yeah. But Frankie Robinson day and baseball sucks because everyone wears the same number. And I'm like, is, is that our best player up to bat? Or is that the ninth hitter? I don't, I don't know what's going on here. I don't know what's going on. Anyway, okay, so Bobo, getting back to this guy.

So Howard asked him like, oh, you wear this jacket all the time. How are you affected by 9-11? I lost my brother in 9-11. And so they investigated a little bit more. And they found out his brother actually died on the 12th. and he was living in California. And he died of a heart attack. So what the fuck?

This is some weird stolen belly right here. Yeah. Now, Bobo used to work for the post office. And so, you know, public officials. He knew guys. He knew guys. So he was able to get these pins and patches from firefighters and police officers and postal workers. That's, dude, that's interesting you bring that up.

Uh, so I have an ex-girlfriend who. who's kind of insane. Yeah. And she works in, she's doing the thing where when somebody says they're going to kill themselves, they have to bring a social worker legally by law. So she just kind of shows up and says like, well, you know, you guys do your thing.

And if you need the social worker, I'll be standing off to the side playing Candy Crush. Right. But she's gotten into this weird thing where all the military guys and all the police guys all have their own pins and shit and badges. And they trade them amongst. each other. So I'm like, I'm like, wait, what's happening? She goes, yeah, it's awesome. I got all these pins so that when I show up to these crime scenes where guys are about to murder each other,

I go to the firefighters and the cops of L.A. and I go, hey, you guys got any pins you want to trade or whatever? And she was showing me her collection of like police pins and badges. It's a whole underground network. It's fucking bizarre. That's just to like kill time or something. I get it. They're just bored and they like collecting shiny shit. Like all the cops were paying their salaries, they're just running around basically trading Pokemon cards all day long. Like, if you meet a cop from a different jurisdiction, you're supposed to be like, hey, dude, I'll trade you one of my, uh, fucking police badges for one of your, for two fire department stickers or whatever the fuck. It's really weird. You can relate to that because you're a collector.

Yeah, I'm not a collector. I don't. But they're outside the scenes of like murders being like, no, I know. It's weird. We got to wait for the coroner to show up. You guys want to trade patches while we're at it. I agree. It's weird. So he was trained. But he was doing the same thing. He was like trading guys for their 9-11 badges. Yeah. Yeah, because, dude, they all make like commemorative badges. I learned this.

Cops are just carrying these things. There's like collector cops. We just go, yeah, yeah, I got a burning twin tower here. And it's like, oh, cool, I got a tower seven, never forget. Why don't know what I swap these out? Yeah. I got a thermite paint patch. Do you want to wear that?

I got a job. I got a couple Boston Strongs. Remember when that kid blew? up that, uh, that, whatever cooker, that pressure cooker. Don't get me started. I'm sure they made badges. Don't get me started on the fucking Boston Marathon. That bullshit, sorry. We'll be here all day. Anyway, yeah, uh, fashionably unemployed in the chat says,

Bobo claimed his brother died of shock from 9-11. He's like, they're like, Bobo, your brother died. That I say he's like, yeah, but he died of shock from 9-11. He's like, he's not a victim of 9-11. He's not counted in the official 2,177 counts. If you could document that he's like the anguish of this tack has made me so woozy. I feel like I need to lie down. I feel like that could qualify. Stolen Bellar.

Stolen Bellar. All right. But here's the exception of the rule. And this is a fascinating one. And again, I learned about this for the first time on the Howard Stern show. I fact checked it today.

Because I was like, do I remember this right? Seth McFarwin. You ever heard of him? Yeah. Yeah. I was looking at him up today. A lot of people were talking about that guy.

He created a family guy and American dad and a bunch of shows. And he won't stop singing. for some reason. He's a very good singer. He's a very good singer. Great musician, very talented man. I heard him. And this is like Dick's joke,

but it's actually real. He was telling Howard very nonchalantly. He's like, oh yeah, I was actually booked to be on one of the flights that flew into the towers on 9-11.

So he was booked, but missed the reservation for American Airlines Flight 11, the plane that hit the North Tower. He was flying out of Boston. And Howard goes, why did you miss your fight? He goes,

talk over. I woke up late. He missed the gate by 10 minutes. He's like, ah, they missed it. I'm sorry. The gate's closed. See, that's why. The point's still on the tarmac. He's like, ah, sorry, you can't get on there. So he books a different flight and gets to wherever the fuck he's going. I don't think he did, though. I think he did he did. Was he able to get on a flight that day or was he in the airport going like, good point. Good point. They did ground flights. And then he just easily got on another plane and nothing happened. Unless you were related to Osama bin Laden and you weren't allowed to fly anywhere in this country on the day of 9-11 certain people were allowed to get out of the country very certain specific people uh so yeah apparently he was hung over he didn't know the

departure time he missed the flight but we would have lost Seth McFarland and uh you know we would have lost that uh black guy spin off show they Cleveland show everybody loved the cleathex of that show is complete dog so bad they're like hey they'll make the the the bear the comic relief like this. It's that working. Well, I mean, the Cleveland show to me always read as, Hey, Seth, can you make a third show? And him just in one night went, yeah, I don't know.

It's the black guy and a bear. Fuck it. None of this matters. But that's kind of why I love him as I go, man, he's getting paid. What can I even say? Oh, he's very talented. Very, very talented. I enjoy a lot of his cartoons.

I still watch American Dad. Roger, one of the great cartoon characters. I've been told American Dad is. the best one. I haven't been watching any of the new seasons of that stuff. I check in from time to time. You know, it's funny. Never mind. I'm not going to talk about it. I was going to talk about it. I was going to talk about the Simpsons. Well, the thing is

about the Simpsons. I can't do that with you. Is the Simpsons good now? Is it good? No. It's not being good around season 15 or 17. I'm around. Look, Carl's the Simpsons guy. I know he doesn't like it, but I do. Were you a fan of that first Simpsons movie? Because I remember being like, There's only one. What do you mean that first one?

There's only one. Well, they're making a second one now. Now there's going to be a second one. Yeah, the Simpsons movie's pretty good. It's all right. Did you like, I couldn't get behind it. I was like, I don't get it. The pig.

It's a spider pig. That's it. That's the big joke. And then I saw Bart's penis and I went, what are we doing here? Why do I want to see Bart's penis? How is this helpful to me? Fair enough.

It's not great. It's kind of like a long episode of The Simpsons. Was it better than Beavis and Buttee Do America? No. Beavis and Butte's Butte's Fantastic. That's one of the best fucking anime movies of all time. Can we agree the South Park, bigger, longer, and uncut is the best of all of these. Yeah, I would, I would put it right neck and neck with Beavis and Buddy to America, but I have a very,

I have a very soft spot in my heart for Beavis and Butth Head to America. You're insane. I will say the music from that South Park movie is, is fucking phenomenal. I, uh, I went with a buddy of mine when it came out. We went in theaters and a buddy of mine by, I think the third or fourth song went, what the fuck is this a musical got up and left the theater have you ever watched cannibal the musical the first musical that trey parker mattstone did now have you ever listened to it with the director's commentary no i have not you should you should listen to it with the director's commentary

because about halfway through they get they're just getting progressively drunker and drunker and the back half of it is them just arguing just farting on each other and arguing about if they're going to go to scores after recording the commentary or not that's very funny it's like we should go to scores. We're going to go to scores. I'm like, they're not doing commentary at this fucking point. They're probably not even in New York. They're nowhere near scores. It's fucking around. That's cool. That is a fantastic one. All right. Well, Carl's problem is stolen 9-11 valor. That's a good one. Well, Carl, tomorrow you're playing a big show. It sounds like you have a busy social life. You're an exciting guy. You have friends and fun.

Sure. Okay. You want to know what I did last night, Carl? What's that? What I did last night was meticulously go through my collection of 60 Nintendo 3DS games, putting each of them into my Nintendo 3DS, powering it on for five seconds, then turning it off and putting it back in the case. Is it to make sure they work? It is to make sure they work, and it is to make sure they continue working. Because my problem, Carl, is all our physical media is dying, and will continue to die and will eventually go away forever.

So the 3DS uses flash memory in the cartridges and people have found out, hey, if you don't plug those things in, like if you don't run current through them once every year or so, once every two years, the memory just degrades and rots and dies. No shit. Is that true? That is 100% true. So if you have any 3DS games, again, this is true for other, anything that's using like flash memory, this specific type of flash memory, if it doesn't see an electrical charge, it starts to get here. BitRot without being plugged or booted in for years. The electrical charge and the memory cells can slowly fade. With 3DS, this can lead to crashes, slowdowns are total failure to read.

There's certain games which have bigger problems than other ones. But this is, this was not fun. I was just like, wow, this is stupid. I don't even want to own these fucking things anymore. And then I went, but that's how they get you. Right. They go, somebody might want to own those things.

Then you can't play it. Right. Well, isn't it inconvenient to own all this bullshit? Wouldn't it be better if we just all kept it on our server and you could license it from us or get it on a subscription-based model? And I went, fuck, that's how they're going to get us, isn't it? I don't know if you heard. The other problem with that, and I know you're talking about video games, I don't know if this fits into this or not. But the whole problem with just streaming everything,

is that then they can censor it. So there are full, maybe you're going to talk about this. There are full episodes of shows that you can no longer watch. Because they just start this. Stark raving dad, for instance, the famous Michael Jackson episode of the Simpsons, which even though everybody has forgiven Michael Jackson for touching all those kids, we've all said he gets a pass. He was a confusing.

Kids are very wealthy now, right? Do you know how confusing it is to be a black guy and then he turned to a white guy? that could cause any sort of fucking problems. And if you've got to touch a kid to make your way out of that mental fucking maze you're trapped in? I don't think that's what happened. But okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's to say how you make your way to do that?

I love the excuse if he never had a childhood. Well, of course he has to buy a build an amusement park. He never had a childhood. He has to sleep with 12-year-old boys in his bed. He never had a childhood. You go, listen, man, I had a childhood. And in no point that I say, you got to put some wine in my dad. I have cocaine, so I can drink wine all the time.

I wish I had a friend of his coolest Michael Jackson. That's the weirdest part of that story is like they had the itinerary for his plant. Oh God, I have to bring this up. Whenever Michael Jackson flew, Michael Jackson food plane, they had the itinerary that they had to, they would give the airplane to be like, here's what Michael Jackson will eat and he will not eat anything else. Penises, balls, bottles.

He might not want to toe. There must be one child on the planet all team. All right. This is from 2003. Food preferences. Breakfast. KFC original chicken, mashed potatoes. You wrote this. I did not write this.

This is real shit. This is your fucking rider. Lunch. KFC original chicken breasts. I'm sorry. I'm going to break the fourth wall. KFC original chicken breasts. I'm going to break the fourth wall right now.

So V and I perform to get. together at Hackamania and Vito did send in a writer to Patrick Melton and this he just changed out just says Michael Jackson now on the top I did say listen if I'm going to perform at hackomania I need four KFC meals a day yeah so yeah breakfast lunch and dinner it didn't matter he just said I just want KFC if here's the funniest thing if traveling for a number of consecutive days he will try other forms of chicken so if you're like four days in He'll be like, all right, I could have some Popeyes, I guess. Kind of switch it up.

But he would still like the KFC. And then for dessert, occasionally eats gum and mince or will pick at whole fruit. And, of course, beverage bread. Hold on a second. You can't categorize gum under dessert. That's how gum works. He's a big gum guy. I like gum, too, but I would never call it dessert.

Look, there's even more notes on the gum. Likes big red gum and a lot of different gums and mints. He was a gum and mint man. And beverage preferences, this was fascinating. White wine and Diet Coke clan on every flight. Jesus juice right there. Some are saying like he didn't, you know, he didn't want the paparazzi to see that he was drinking.

I'm like, I guess, but man, who's just drinking wine all day long? It's a little goofy. Marking yourself as an alcoholic, you never have to apologize. Will sometimes drink tequila gin or royal crown? That's interesting because two of those things are generic booze. And then one's very specific. This man, I mean, I don't want to say, you know, was only eating fried chicken, but he sounds like he was only eating fried chicken. Anyway, even though we've all forgiven him for this for being a wine drinking boy toucher, I don't know why we can't get his Simpsons episode up there.

Also, the company's in charge of uploading the media to these streaming services. People keep going like, hey, you uploaded the TV version of this. Half the scenes are missing and the dialogues change. you know, the famous, what's the one, remember which diehard is it, where he's holding up the sign that famously says, I hate, you know, people of a certain African persuasion. And then for TV, it just says, I hate everyone. And you're like, all those black guys on the street are like, hey, we're a real positive gang, man. You're not supposed to hate everyone. You're supposed to be showing love out here.

Now we're going to beat the shit out of you. Yeah. So the way that TV works, when it goes into syndication, they want to cram more ad slots into it. So they'll cut scenes or they'll speed it up. Dude, that's super weird. Yeah, it's super weird. They're doing that with Seinfeld now. Yes.

Like the episodes are like 0.5% faster. Which is not how comedy works. No. Because one of the most important things about comedy is pizza. Time. People. Fuck. Yeah.

That's what that's the next one I was going to say. The timing is important to the comedy. It is. So I hate when people listen to a podcast at 1.5x speed. I'm like, don't do that. You are ruining the show. Well, you know, we all got it. We all got busy days.

We all got so much to do. You have nothing going on. All you do is put up on my 3DS games. Yes, you're going to die. They're going to die, Carl. I have a copy of Metroid. That's a great game. I don't want my cartridge to die.

Now, I don't know if you heard this earlier this year. Again, and it's not just a video game problem, but obviously video games are probably the most. most popular form of media. Not a lot of people buying Blu-rays and DVDs anymore, sadly. PlayStation's the Sony PlayStation will no longer be producing discs for their consoles, moving forward. Oh, it's all download? Yeah. I mean, GameStop right now is freaking out because they're like, oh, that's like our whole business is selling those fucking used discs. It's going to be completely digital moving forward. And there's always the question of disc rot.

It's not 100% known, but there's always some of the original. original CDs that were produced or to produce. It depends on the factory. I have a couple games where you can see like they're starting to flake off and they're not going to work anymore. If I tried to play them, they would probably explode. So even if you hold on to your old discs, they're just slow, everything's slowly

dying. So where does that put us, Carl? Well, that puts us in this situation where we submit to the overlords who are never going to alert us own anything again. That's one option. One option is we go, okay, I'm going to, I pay for the subscription service. I buy the games digitally and I'm just a slave to these people. And I know what you're thinking out there in the audience.

You're going, well, I don't want to be a slave to the corporation. I know what I'll do. I'm just going to pirate all this shit. Yeah. Okay. There you go. There's the solution. You can download all the games.

You can download all the movies. Here's what I think they're going to do, Carl. I actually believe this. I think they're going to make it not illegal, but it is going to be so prohibitively expensive in the future to own an actual personal computer, that piracy will not be an option. I think we're going to have locked down. Dude, so right now memory price is. I got to beat off at the library like a homeless guy. What are you talking about? Although, but the library is going to have all the built

in sensors from Apple that go like, you need to pay your fucking masturbation credits or get out of the booth. That's fine. I have money. Are you an Apple guy? Are you an Apple guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I converted. You're the fucking problem. You're the fucking problem, man. I converted because. eventually I got an iPhone and then it just works with everything else and it's just,

oh, that's how they get you, dude. I started with an iPad and I'm like, oh, this is so convenient. It works so well. I just got everything else. Shut up. That's it. That's it.

That fucking convenience and, oh, everything just works together and all the apps work, okay. And oh, I can't download anything that they didn't automatically approve to work on their system and I can't side load anything and I have no actual control over this device. I know what you mean.

And if they get mad at me, they can ban me and do. I know my apps. I was reluctant at first. I know what you mean. I hear what you're saying. Dude, I think Apple, it's as customizable as the other systems. Dude, Apple did that thing where if you purchase a subscription to a service, Apple

automatically takes a cut of it. Like you can't get Patreon through Apple anymore, right? Because they, you can, but they are. So they take a cut. So what Patreon said is like, all right, here's a deal. If someone buys from a iOS device, you can put an upcharge on it. So my Patreon is five bucks a month. If you want to buy it through your iPhone or iPad, it's $750.

Yeah, which at that point, you're an idiot if you're doing that. No, I mean, it's $2.50. You should definitely do that. What do you talk about? Fuck you. Sign up for my- Subscribe through the PC if you're allowed to have a PC. Bonus episodes every month.

Look, the way memory is going. So the price of memory has been jacked sky high because all the companies are buying up all the memory and do all the AI stuff. But this has the perfect side effect of making it so anybody wants to build a computer. right now. It's going, ah, shit, it's a lot of money to build a computer. So the next stage is going to be guys like Apple. And we saw with the Google Chromebooks, we're kind of a lockdown ecosystem. They weren't a complete like Windows computer. It's going to be like, yeah, you can use our computer. You're like, oh, cool, I want to go to like Pirate Bay. I want to download

Torrent software. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry, that's not compatible with our systems. You can't do that. You want to download like a video game emulator. I want to download some ROMs. Oh, I'm sorry. That's, you know, it could be harmful. We can't let you download that. So I don't even think you're going to be able to pirate this stuff. I think you're just going to be, and I think us who have personal computers, they're going to hunt us down and shoot us in the heads. I think that'll be the final stage of the solution.

You're going to be like, hey, look, I ripped a copy of Ghostbusters 2. Who wants to watch Ghostbusters 2? And a guy's going to kick in your window and kill you and your whole family. I have a quick, funny anecdote about this. Yes, go ahead. Well, my wife and I first started dating. I taught her about Torrance sites and how to download movies and stuff. He's like, well, this is really cool.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's fucking awesome. So she's on there. She's downloading like TV shows and stuff. She got, I don't know how this happened. She had a letter in the mail from HBO. And the letter was just like, hey,

we don't know if it was you probably wasn't, probably just like someone was at your house, like using this stuff, but we noticed you're like downloading this TV show. You know, we own that property. So you can't really do that. It would be really nice for you to not do that.

It'd be really cool if you didn't like do that anywhere. She freaked the fucking. out. She's like, I'm never using a torrent site. I was like, it's, it's nothing. And it's like, what are you talking about? But it scared her off. It was very funny. I have a similarly embarrassing story. I was a young buck, newly moved to L.A., you know, just trying to make it in the world. Sure. And I have that going not very well. I came to a crashing halt pretty quick. Be careful of the volatile Dick Madge of a little. Well, what are you going to do?

No, I'm doing great. Actually, I'll tell you later. You know, I got some kind of comedy opportunities coming my way. Great. But I get an email. Just fucking with you. I know. What do you call it? I get an email that goes, hey, we just want you to know that we have caught you downloading three Brazilians farting on a mannequin part five. Dude, I love that one. Part five is the best part. That's what really starts to ramp up.

That's where Brandy really kind of learns how to yes and the rest of the crew. And I feel she got her. With her noxious cake farts. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I feel like the bazillion buttlifted that one was like just the right amount. Yeah. So, well, the director really leaned into getting, you know, some of these closeups that I like. Point is, I get this letter and they're like, we are going to sue you for distributing our pornography illegally on these torrents.

So we're suing you for $20,000. I think it was a demand letter. Send it $20,000 or we will sue you. Yeah. And me being a dumb, you know, younger, like in my 20s or whatever, I was like, that's it. That's the end. no escape. I can't get away from this. And in my fear, my uncle, who's a lawyer, I forward him this humiliating email that's like, here's all the pornography your nephew's been illegally

distributing. And I was like, what should I do about this? He's like, first of all, get a girlfriend. Second of all, Brazilians are pretty easy to come by. They're looking for a new home. There's plenty of people in L.A. who are of all sorts of persuasions. Second of all, he's like, he's like, what do you own? And I'm like, a shit box car and nothing. He's like, yeah,

you're good. They're not going to sue you, buddy. And every time I talk to my uncle, I always, I always like go, I hope he doesn't remember that time. I sent him that Brazilian fucking porn email.

Oh, you think your uncle's never jerked off to porn. What are we talking about? I'm just saying, you don't want to have to send your uncle a list of the porn you've been looking at. I never had had to do that, but I feel like it'd be fine if my nephew was like,

hey, car, what should I do about this? I'd be like, Brazilian girls are pretty fucking hot. Anyway. Fair enough. Fair enough. I think you're fine. I think that we've conditioned... I think that's the worst part. People are just going to accept it. They're going to accept...

Yeah. You know, I don't want a bunch of stuff on my shelf. And I get it. It takes up space. I got to sell a bunch of these games I'm not playing, and I'm moving through it. But, you know, it was always nice the idea, you own a couple books, you own a couple movies. I got some CDs I like. And now it's just going to be, no, you're not allowed to have that. You don't have a machine that can run it, and you're locked on whatever platform. we've set up to rape you into the ground with the prices. I mean, I had a buddy.

There's a game called Eldon Ring, which I really like. Familiar. And it's, dude, it's been out like for, what, five years now. So if you go to GameStop, I use copies like, 10 bucks. And I had a buddy. I'm like, oh, dude, you got to play Eldon Ring. He's like, I've been looking for a good fantasy game. I'm like, oh, get Eldon Ring.

It's only like 10 bucks. And he goes, oh, I have one of those Xboxes. It's digital only. Let me check how much it is on the marketplace. And it's still like $40, $40. Of course. And I'm like, fuck. And that's what it's going to be forever.

You're never going to have any... They'll have, like, little sales. Ooh, it's 10% off. Ooh. But you don't have a free market at that point. You just have a company who owns the thing, has a monopoly on it, and will fuck you as much as they possibly can. I mean, a movie like The Godfather is how many years old? How many copies of that movie have they sold?

And you're still going to charge people, what? 15 bucks to rent the fucking Godfather? Well, that's worth it. That's not the example I would have picked. But, yeah, I hear what you're saying, yes. Okay. Paul Blart. I want to watch Paul Blart.

I got to pay $15 to watch Paul Blart. No one's doing that guy. I want to see that famous 9-11 survivor hanging out with Paul Blart. That was my highlight of that movie. I like they still give you the SD option. Did you want to read this an SD or HD? It's one buck less to get it in 4x3P. I'll pay the extra dollar.

That's fine. One time I tried the SD option because I was like, it's Rick and Morty. Because I was like, it's Rick and Morty. What am I going to get out of HD Rick and Morty? It's like it's a bunch of lines on the screen. Yeah. But it looks like dog shit. Yeah, exactly.

Even that you want the HD. You know what's the irony in this is the very famous Apple commercial from 1984 in the Super Bowl. Was it dystopian future, 1984? Orwell's 1984. And here we are. The corporations are deciding what we can and cannot do. And they're dictating to us. We're not allowed to own things.

You have to rent things from them. Software is ridiculous. I used to know. never buy software. I used to only download illegal software operating systems, everything. And now it's just like it's such an inconvenience. It's such a pain in the ass. They're just like, fine. You want nine bucks a month for office? Fine. You know, I pay seven bucks a year for the Adobe suite. Yep. That I just got my email from Adobe and they said, hey, don't forget next month, we're raping you in the butt. I'm like, oh my God, 700 fucking dollars. How many years did I have

Photoshop that I never paid a dime for it but now I'm using all their new features I'm like look I would pay here's the worst part is I'm like if it was 2999 a month I'd be like yeah I get it 29 99 a month 700 bucks Jesus Christ 700 bucks a year for the Adobe suite I don't use many of the apps I use some of the apps not not a lot that's the worst part is they're like well you get access to Adobe grab ass and Adobe glumdar and you're like I'm not using any of that fucking shit so No. It's just money out the window. What am I going to take a

boomer going to take a class? How do you do software I've never touched before? Come on. Well, also all the effort I invested in learning after effects. Now I'm like, I can just kind of do this in AI in like two seconds. Oh, yeah. What are you going to do? Guys, the death of physical media, it's happening.

And we're all fucked. That's the bottom line. Let's take a look at a couple of super chats, Carl. People are coming by saying hi. And for some reason, it's not starring the superchets the way it was before. Not Mothman says, why are we just, why are we here just to suffer? That is why we're here. Absolutely.

Thanks for being here. L.J. Claverino for two. Happy Charlie Kirk Day every Kirk. How do you feel about, are you a Charlie Kirk? I wasn't a fan. I wasn't a fan. Obviously, the death was disturbing and pretty awful. But there is a joke for the isotopes tomorrow.

Come, come by tomorrow. for all the good Charlie Kirk hits from the ice is. Yeah, it says as we pass a year from his death, it's important to remember that in the end, even Charlie Kirk leaned left. That's terrible. That's not great. That's terrible.

They really kind of, the conservative movement, they had the right idea, you know, where you go, oh, we got a martyr now. We can really do a lot with this stuff.

His wife messed up. His wife really fucked it up for him. Dude, how do you have a, young male conservative movement that's all about. We got to get young men excited about fucking politics and motivated out to vote. And then this

stage mom shows up and she goes, I'm here. And you're like, well, that's not the right lady to lead it. She could be like the accountant. Why is she on camera? Get anyone else. Yeah. Yeah. The widow was not was not the answer to that movement. We should have gotten

Alex Stein. I got to talk to Alex Stein. I know he departed from the blaze, right? And he's kind of doing his own thing now. He's no longer on the blaze. Yeah. He's with another network, but he's not on the blaze anymore. Famously, so I knew Alex Stein like 10 years ago, and I kept in touch with him before he started blowing up. I used to tune in to his 9-11 Truther podcast. We're talking about 9-11, you know, like five years ago, and he just had 12 guys going. He's like, you really got

to think about what are these Jews doing? I was like, well, you know, he's thinking about things, I guess. And when I saw him going to Roseanne, who is famously a Jewish comedian. He's like, well, I'm just saying you got to look at who was financing this thing. And even Rosanne was like, what the fuck am I doing with this Alex? Roseanne is further out there than anyone. I was at Alex. Yeah, but even she.

Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, yeah. I was on Alex Stein show when he was on the Blaze, a really cool set, really cool place. And speaking of the 9-11 truth or stuff. So he famously says, we never landed on the moon. Alex Stein does. And I'm open to all of these possibilities, you know, because it was the space race back then.

We were us versus the Russians and I can see why they would fake it. Yeah, I get it. The propaganda for it. Right. So I asked Alex, I go, Alex, I hear you say that we never land on the moon. I really didn't do it that much. My buddy Adam Curry says we never landed on the moon. So tell me, why do we, what's the deal?

You know, and he goes, well, same to the end of the show. I'll say, all right, all right. So we went to the show and I bring it up again. I'm like, so talk to me. What's the deal? He just goes, I don't know. I'm just not sure if we did. You're talking about all the fucking time.

You have nothing to back this up. I thought he was going to have like, we'll zoom it on this photo right here. You can tell he's obviously in Arizona and Stanley Kubrick. Obviously, fucking directed this thing. I thought there'd be something and there's nothing. Well, we had. So last week I had my buddy, Dr. Kevin on who maybe you should have on you. He's a great science guy.

He's actually a nuclear physicist comedian. Okay. Who right now is trying to build nuclear reactors on the moon for some fucking reason. Cool. But it's so funny. He used to a podcast with Owen Benjamin, famous right-leaning kook and cult leader. and they would argue because Owen Benjamin would be like, yeah, you know, those moon landings are fucking fake, man. Like we couldn't even land on the moon.

It's not even circular or whatever the fuck. And Dr. Kevin would go, well, first of all, I'm a scientist so we can definitely land on the moon. And second of all, my grandfather was the scientist who did the math to put us on the moon, you cock sucker. Well, okay. I would like to talk to him because here is the thing that Adam Curry talks about all the time. Yeah. That does get me scratching my head a little bit. we had the technology in

1969 through what, 72, we went up there a few times. And we can't do it anymore? Technology's gotten worse for some reason. It was space travel. We can do it. It's like, but we don't really have. They've tried. Have they? Yeah. They tried to go to the moon and we couldn't get back there. I know that they

have to deal with the debris field now. That's a big problem. Do you know about the debris field? You're talking about that island in the ocean? Puerto Rico. No, no. No, no. That's a different. That's where all the good girls I sold that joke. Every time we go up into space,

let's put this way, if a screw breaks off the space station, it's not like the screw can just, you know, you lose a screw and it falls to the ground. A screw in space just starts orbiting the fucking planet. So the more times we go up, the more shit is just creating this dense

wall of whipping around the earth. So it just increases the chances that your spaceship is going to get slammed into by a random piece of metal hurtling around the planet. We have to figure out how to deal with that. There's all those satellites that are unnecessary. Yeah, that break apart as well.

Sirius XM? Those will see the Howard Stern. Why don't we have these things? We might genuinely get trapped on this planet, like, unable to get off because a serious XM satellite just slowly deteriorating up there. Can I just put a battery grab on the rocket ship? No, because it's going so fucking fast, like whipping around the earth. No, you can't.

You have to figure out what to deal with that shit. All right. Uh, the tad or the Ted Matthews for five says, I take my job at the horse jackoff factory way too seriously to be dumping on the clock. Bruto Howard's, but excellent pay. So he's with you. See? There you go. The horse jerkers off of America stand with Carl.

Uh, plus the horses lose their heart out when they smell the shit. That's true. That's what I've heard anywhere out of them. I've watched, I've watched him jerk off a horse. Really? You watch one of those. What's the game? name of that guy, Mr. Hands.

Were you going to bring a Mr. Hands? You watched Mr. Hans video. Dude, the first time I saw Mr. Hans for like a week, it would just pop back. The first time I saw Mr. Hans. I had to make sure it wasn't fake like the moon landings. I said, there's got to be a Kubrick type guy on the set

who has set up an elaborate fake horse situation. This can't be real. hilarious. Bro, that's the most disturbing thing ever because the guy's getting fucked by the horse. So your rectum's what? Like this big or something? And then so you're like, okay.

All right. That's that's fine. And then all of a sudden the horse just goes, I'm going all the way. And he just goes, bam. And you're like, oh, no. Everything inside that guy just got completely destroyed. It's like eating Taco Bell, but worse. It's like forcing Taco Bell back up inside you at a rapid pace.

All right, Carl, what do you got for me? All right. This is going to sound a hack. I'm familiar with that already. But I'm telling you the reason why I'm bringing this problem is because I have, witness it firsthand. White guys who date Asian chicks who let their girlfriend drive the car. White guys.

Why? Asian women drive. Okay. Why are you putting everyone at risk? I mean, what is the purpose of this? There's other drivers. There's pedestrians on the sidewalks with people playing yard games. Everyone's at risk now because you decided to let your stupid Asian girlfriend drive the car.

I'm going my buddies. We're heading down to this festival. And I see this cute Asian chick. And her white boyfriend sitting in the passenger seat. And I see this go by. Is he paying attention? Is he going, you know,

I would be freaking out the whole time. It should be like a driving structure. Yeah, he should have like the break pedal on his side. You have to break. You have to break. You have to break. Open him.

Right. Right. There should be a hand on the wheel. Right. There should be a whole thing. No, this guy is just letting his Asian girlfriend drive. And after I swear.

worked out of the way so that my friends and I can get to the festival, I pointed out the fact that if this woman, I mean, I'm sorry, when this woman gets to do a car accident, the person who should be ticketed for it is the boyfriend. And if it's a serious accident, criminal charges. Here's the thing. People heard me say this before. Maybe they're annoyed with this. I dated a Korean girl for a long time. My Korean girlfriend, very cute, very bubbly. Lots of great attributes. Kimchi breath. No.

Driving. Driving. Driving not so much. There was never a time. Do I like to drink? Yeah. There was never a time that I'm like, you're driving tonight.

Like no, no, no, no. Carl, you've had an entire handle of vodka. I'm like, I'll still be driving. I think we're good. I know you think this is a hack problem,

but I got to be real with you. I live in an Asian neighborhood. And, Every time I step outside, I'm taking my life in my own hands. I'm surrounded by Asian lady drivers. Yes. Okay. Now, I have a Costco near me.

I've talked about the Costco on this show. Is that why you wanted schizochia to stand on the sidewalk? You were hoping that one of these Asian drivers would take them out. I have to jump out of the way a couple of times. I like to go for walks around my neighborhood, but I got to always be like, eh, eh, eh. They hop the fucking curb. You jump. I jump.

I have a great vertical leaf. I have great vertical leap. The Italians are known for our Mario-style jumps, Carl. Okay? I can't go to that Costco. Why can't I go to that Costco? Because everyone trying to park at the Costco is an Asian woman. And every time I go in there, I see at least two different collision.

Not that I witnessed the collision, but I just see an Asian woman standing outside the car and another Asian woman standing outside the car. And they're going, oh, oh, oh. And they don't know what to do. Ironically, they can't see the yellow lines, ironically. They can't see fucking anything. Look, I know it's, I know it's, this is why Asians are good at certain tasks, okay? Okay.

Anything that requires minute, tiny focusing. It's why electronics, they're so good at it. Okay. Our big wide eyes, our big Caucasian eyes, we can take in our surroundings. We can see it to the left and right. But you put a circuit board in front of us and we're just, you know, fumbling around. These guys, that's why we got to make in the cell phones and shit.

They can focus with the tiny, narrow precision eyes. But car driving, I mean, I don't know what you do. I don't know how you help them. They're fucked. Well, I mean, what you do is you let the car drive itself, which is another thing because God forbid you let the car drive itself. I feel like it detects like whether your eyes are open or not, like whether you're paying attention.

Like, I've had cars yell at me like, hey, pay attention. I'm like, who the fuck are you? The self-driving car will yell at you. Oh, yeah. I'm like, I'm sorry. Who's the owner here? You're telling me what to do. But, you know, I feel like if detects female Asian eyes, you'd be like,

all right, I got this. You know, don't worry about it. Well, that's why you go to Japan and you're like, hey, no, you guys drive and they go, no, we take train. Train is good because you just, you get on the train. It's on a track. It's on a track. Right.

Yeah, exactly. Right. The guy driving the train doesn't have to be like, oh, I got to like look left and right. It just goes straight. There's no decision making involved. Yeah, exactly. And Asian people love trains. They love it because it's simple for them.

The second you go, hey, you can kind of take this thing anywhere. You can back it into a space. They start to freak out and then they just crash and kill everybody. Well, you know why Asian people love trains in Asian countries like Japan? Why is because they don't have black people shitting on them. I don't have you been to New York recently. They're getting a little bit more of that. They're getting trades.

It is. It is fun. So I follow a lot of Japanese guys on Twitter, you know, and it is funny. how many of them are retweeting every time a black guy gets on their subway and starts dancing. And they're going, I don't like this. This is not the way this should be going. Dude, a guy with a turban guy on your airplane or a black guy getting under trade car, both equally disturbing.

Like, oh, shit, that was going to happen. Here we go. The turban guy, I actually trust more because I think anybody who wears a turban on an airplane is owning it. That guy's going, listen, okay? I'm the turban guy. I ain't got a bomb. If I had a bomb, I wouldn't be wearing the turban.

I would be sneaky about it. I go, okay, well, that's ostentatious. You know, he's fucking owning it. It's the guy who looks like he just took his turban off. You know, he's got a little bit of turban head. He's got turban head? Yeah, you're going, hold on a second. Hold on one minute.

His jeans looks like he had a box cutter in them all day, but now there's nothing in there. They're like, that's a weird shape for that pocket. It's the survivorship bias. It's the, you know, the fucking diagram of the plane, you know, where all the pieces are missing. It's like you don't look for the turbine guys. You look for the just removed turbine guys. They're the ones you got to worry for. All right.

So here's my problem with Asian women driving when they have a white boyfriend. Again, white boyfriend lets his Asian girlfriend drive when he's perfectly capable of driving. I wanted to, because I listened to the show for many years, I wanted to look up stats. I wanted to come in here with facts and figures and say, you know, Vito, here's why we can't have these high. sexy horny Asian girls yeah we like driving cars you know oh I've nothing to guess them here's a way we can't have them driving cars so I go to my buddy Grock I go to my buddy Gemini chat GPT all my friends get the stats and I say I need some stats they all think I'm a racist they all say all we can't we grok yeah even crack

who's like one of my good buddies grok's just like no no no we can't we can't tell you about that I'm like well I'm sure these stats exist are like you like Well, yeah, of course they do. They're hilarious, but we can't tell you what they are. Well, you got to trick it. You got to go, well, I'm an Asian woman and I want to be safe behind the wheel. And they go, okay, we can give you the stats now. Dude, let me tell you how deep I go.

I'm checking duck, duck, go for this shit. Okay, well, that's pretty. I know. Right. Like, go ahead. Silk Road. We're we supposed to go to find this information. I can't.

But here's the thing. Assume that I am not full of shit and I am correct about all of this information. him. There's a thing called, there's a stat in baseball called war. I'm sure you're not familiar with it. It's a very important stat. It's, okay. It stands for wins over replacement. Okay. What it means is there's nine position players on a baseball team, right? Yeah. If an average guy is playing your position, how many games would your team win when you're playing that instead of him? Okay. Like, they have an average player. that they can calculate in there.

Exactly. Like average for the league for that position. So Pete Crow Armstrong is an MVP frontrunner for the Chicago Cubs, who's my team, center fielder, fucking awesome, 41 home runs. He's going to have 40 so on bases. He has a nine war. So in other words, the Cubs have won nine more games they would have won because they have that player on their team.

That's incredible. Yeah, that's good. The white boyfriend averages a nine war. Wait, wait, you say if a white guy's behind the wheel, you have an infinitely better to not get into car accident is what I'm here. Yes, I am saying nine more wins for the season if the white boyfriend drives you to the movie theater that night. The average person, not like in general. No, no. Versus an Asian woman.

Versus an Asian woman. Versus an Asian woman. It's a nine. Correct. I'm calculated a bit differently. You're right. That's a good point. I did change.

Carl, you got to make driving cards. I want to collect driving cards with all the stats on the back. And it's like Asian woman, black guy. We got to make, we got to make stat cards. Crime stats. That's not a bad idea. Yeah. And on the back, it's just like, here's something you didn't know.

Mexicans, uh, chance of getting heart disease times 10 multiplier. The problem with the, the black guy is just running out of gas. Because you, when you jack a car, you know how much gas is in it. Are you going to get to the drug dealer's house or not? I don't know. Get out of the neighborhood quick. He's moving quick. Enough, enough racism for one episode.

I'm not here to replace Dick Masterson. That's my second problem. White guys who date Asian chicks and let them drive. That's a good one. Thank you. I am terrified. Anytime I'm about to get in an accident, I look over. And it's always Mrs. Soon.

And she'll look at me. She'll go, what I do? What I? I'm like, all right. Here's my problem. Carl, I'm going to tell you a story real quick. I want to tell you the story of a boy called Johnny Appleseed. You ever heard of this guy?

I have. Johnny Appleseed was a young man, a young American, and he saw that this nation deserved to prosper. And to help this great nation, he crossed the country with a bag of apple seeds, planting them as he went and spreading apple orchards across this great land. And today we honor him. Those orchards still live today. apples grow throughout America

and he is a great American mythological figure. Now I want to give you another story. It's the story of Jim Thornton. Jim Thornton was a beloved voice actor who became the announcer of Wheel of Fortune and then was caught on a plane in a pedophile chat room

talking about hot boys he saw at a Golden Corral restaurant. Can I just real quick? Yeah, I just have to get a plug-in. I will be on WTP on Saturday with Kyya Orison, Kaya from the official podcast. We actually have audio from that dude's podcast where he interviews other pedophiles.

When I found out he had a pedophile podcast, I went, while this guy was really high on the pedophile fucking wild. Wild. Like, to fathom someone found it because he's not going by Jim Thornton from Real Fortune, obviously. I looked up the story. He's going, hey, I listened. They have the audio.

And he's going, you're listening to the Little Nicky's Boys cast, talking about boys, boys, boys. And I'm like, it was like fucking drive time radio stings and shit. He asks, he asked a guest out there. He goes, what's your A-O-A? And I was like, oh, what is that? Age of attraction. And the guy goes, I'm 8 to 14.

And Jim Thornton goes, I'm 4 to 12. Like, 4 to 12. It's, the whole story is fucking crazy. We're the Wheel of Fortune announcer. Again, guys, check out Carl's podcast. He's going to talk about it. And I started thinking about this was a guy, Jim Thornton, who in any other era would have just been the Wheel of Fortune announcer. He would have just kept doing that when he died.

He would have said, hey, that guy was a great announcer, man. I loved his voice. And he was saying, it's the Wheel of Fortune, you know? And instead, because of the age in which we live, we will never have that ever again for anyone. We will never have any sort of mythological figure who passes into myth and legend and is fondly remembered. It is literally impossible to ever have that. Now, maybe Jim Thornton isn't the perfect example of someone. I don't know if he would have been a mythological figure in a different age.

I'm thinking Rod Roddy from the prices right. Sure. But okay. Yeah, Jim Thornton. Or like who hosted the tonight, Johnny Carson, you know, like a legendary late night host. Thankfully, he got out when the getting was good. now because of technology and the surveillance of everyone at all times and everything you do is tracked forever, you're never going to have somebody who just kind of passes into myth as like a great man.

They will always be endlessly dissected and picked apart. And rightfully so, because most of them are bad people when you get down to it. We just used to live in an era where the shitty things you did were not known. I don't know how many people Johnny Appleseed raped, probably a couple, you know, but it's been so, along and he wasn't being tracked online all the time. It's a weird accusation to make. You think you could make it from one end of the country to the other without raping anybody back as a fucking 1800s?

I'm not a rapist, but not, everyone was a rapist back then. He just did it for fun. But to your point, like, you know, Jesus,

no one wrote about him until 100 years later. You know, so it was just like, well, my grandpa told my dad who told my brother that like this guy was made, you know, was cool. was a game of water and wine and stuff.

Yeah, exactly. It was a game. Right. Exactly. Well, that's the thing is if we had computers back of the day. I mean, Benjamin Franklin's a great example. Great American. We know all the different shit he did.

Oh, the whole key on the kite thing. Yeah. It's pretty much made up. It's a great story. Yeah, it's neat. Okay. The fucking the cherry tree, George Washington, the cherry. Obviously made up.

Couldn't tell why. Yep. Yeah, couldn't tell a lot. You ever heard Norm's bit about that where he's like, I'm sorry, that disturbs me more than cutting the tree down. What do you mean you're incapable of lying? That's horrifying. Why is my child telling me this?

So, look, we now live in a time period of endless surveillance, and it happens where guys die, and rightfully so. Like, we should know, hey, that was not a good guy. Do you know the story, Jimmy Seville, the BBC announcer, of course? Yeah. I'm familiar with Jimmy Saville. But we're not British. So we didn't completely understand it.

Right. The British loved that fucking guy. Oh, yeah. The children loved him. He was huge. I don't know. Well, not all children, but he was. There were a few that were a little sore.

That guy was like when he died, I think even the queen was like, well, we lost a great man. Jimmy Seville. I mean, one of these great television presenters, he had a whole TV show where he would find people who were in trouble. He would help them out with their problems or whatever. And then he dies and a bunch of people go, ah, yeah, yeah, that guy, he did rape me though. Another guy goes, oh, that's interesting. He did rape me as well.

And a couple girls go, oh, yeah, I guess I also got raped. And it turned out he was just fucking raping everybody. Rall Dahl, creator of what, like James and the Giant Peach, you know, and all those great stories, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Sure, yeah. Now all they want to talk about is the fact that he was an anti-Semite. He really just did not like those people. And a lot of quotes about, well, Hitler, you know, you think Hitler targeted them for no reason?

You're like, okay, Ra, I'm sorry, was Walt Disney not a great guy? What are we talking about? One of the ones, okay, Caesar Chavez is a great one. We had Caesar Chavez, dude, L.A. was obsessed with Caesar Chavez for some fucking reason. You know, we had Caesar Chavez drive. There's Caesar Chavez Day or whatever. And then it just comes out there like, yeah, you know, he was picking grapes, but he was also picking little, you know, teenage girls' butt. holes.

I always kind of known for that. You know what I think is funny about your problem so far? Go ahead. You started with Joddy Appleseed and you've run around. Nothing but pedophiles. Well, here's the problem is that I'm trying to find people who are canceled for anything other than like sex crimes. And it really is just sex crimes.

Mostly sex crimes. Like you can do pretty much anything else aside from murder. But murder like it's hard to find out. The problem is like you don't really find out about a murder after a guy's dead. You know, like if OJ Simpson, it's not like, oh, we suddenly found out he killed his wife. He killed his wife? Yeah, it's crazy.

The running back for the bills? Yes. The spokesperson for the spokesperson for Pioneer Chicken and famous actor of a naked gun. And hurts Reticar? What? Renicor. We just run it through the airport? I got to get to my car.

I'm old. The problem is that, yeah, it's like there's not too many crimes that come out. Because, you know, what do you find a guy cheated on his? taxes after he dies. You go, ah, it's still a great guy. It's normally sex crimes. True. But also, here's the other thing to make is that guys who, uh, there are guys right now who we myth, mythelize, mythologilize. How do you, how do you say that word? Okay. But the only reason we're doing that is because they died young before they could become old and pathetic. Right. So that's the other thing. So like,

Kurt Cobain's a good example. I was just going to say Kirk Cobain. Perfect example. Kirk Cobain's perfect. Can you imagine if Kirk Cobain was like 60-year-old right now wearing a MAGA hat and complaining about something? And he had a bunch of shitty solo albums that nobody liked. They go, yeah, Nirvana used to be good. I remember when they used to be good.

And there's a lot of rock stars now that, like, dude, I fucking hate Green Day now. If the lead singer at Green Day had died after putting out Dookie or whatever the fuck that album was, you'd go, dude, those guys were so good. And if they kept going, man, they would have just had banger after banger. They had a little bangers, but I agree with you. You know, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer, another good example.

Like, how many fucking shitty-cordy size you're going to write ass on it? When they did that fucking music video with the Muppets, I'm like, you guys kind of jump at the shark here, man. You're a little bit cool at one point. No buddy Holly. Imagine if Bill Cosby had died young. What would we say about Bill Cosby? We'd say,

All-Man, that guy. Yeah. Even, yeah. If he had died at any point, like right, with the cause maybe in the midst of the cosby show we would want to fat albert was a classic that guy had some great fucking comedy albums i liked bill cosby for a long time i had one of his yeah i had one of his books about fatherhood you know and he would be like you know the thing is if you really you had a book about why why were you reading i don't know because i just i just

found it in a you don't even date women why would you have a book about fatherhood first of all i do Do you think you're going to fall into a vagina and pregnant it by mistake? I will say, I will say this is, I think in the dating economy, girls are starting to get desperate again, Carl, because I've had this one girl's number for like, last time I saw her was like a year and a half ago, and then she ghosted me. Sure. And then I started texting her. I'm like, hey, what's going on? I mean, you want to hang out sometime? And she did finally text me back after a year and a half of checking in every now and again going, hey, how's it going?

Hey, how's it going? What's going on? I don't give up. I'm not a give up, uh, give up goofus here. That's called, that's called alcoholism. Don't you date girls who have penises? I'm sorry. I don't know. Oh, no. I think I exclusively date trans women. I have dated. You fuck one sheep. I know. I get it. I know the joke. I have dated a few trans women. One of them went absolutely insane and became a stalker. So now I've been like, maybe I went insane. Yeah, well, maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. was always a little out there. Actually, the funny thing with her, and I think I've told this story, is she got in her head that I'm like a conservative figure now, you know, and I'm going on conservative podcasts and talking Alex Jones or whatever.

Fuck yeah, mine. And she's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sent an email to me, and she's like, I just want you to know that you're going to be exposed because I'm going to let all these people know that you have, you fucked a tranny. And I went, oh, they know. We know. We're pretty aware of this.

It really sucked the wind out of her sales. I could tell. She's like, oh. That's my, the best I'll do is fist bump, you know, when I see it first. Like, ah, please don't touch me. All right. Hey. Hey, you got to keep the germs off.

Look. I just, you know, if you put in the work, the problem is not everybody's putting in the work. Some, some ladies put in the work. Yeah, I know. I know. Look, they're a good time. They're a good time.

Yeah. All I'm saying is you're never going to have another Davy Crockett. You're never going to have another Buffalo Bill Cody. The other problem is when there's these big crazy stories, okay, about, oh, did you hear about the time? Buffalo Bill Cody fought off 20 Indians, you know, or coming for his camp or whatever. You go, I saw the Instagram video. It was one drunken Indian and you just kind of pushed him over.

Like, we know all of this stuff is exaggeration and myth, but now there will be no more myths. There will be no more stories. Everything is documented. I just have another example for you. Yeah. So one of the reasons why we have holidays, Thanksgiving, is this myth of the pilgrims and the Indians like, hey, let's share in this harvest together.

You have all this food and abundance. Let's party, you know? And if we had HD cameras back that, if it was a reality show, that's not what's happening at all. But we have a new holiday, a brand new holiday. Juneteenth. Yeah.

According to this new fucking myth, there are these buddies who are just like, huh? They freed the slayers. How long ago was that? It was like two fucking ears. They're like, oh, well, I'm out of here. Like, I guess we can't stop you.

Meanwhile, these guys are probably like, no, I like it here. I'm cool with this. Bro, that's the thing. I'm fucking the wife. She's down. She's down to clown. The owner like hooks us up with fried chicken every now and again. It seems like pretty cool.

KFC three times a day, Carl. That's how it was back in the day. Yeah. I'm just saying, like, I don't know that like any of these holidays are based on any type of fact. and you're right. We'll never be able to, we're not going to have like a road rules holiday in the future. No.

You know? We could never have another holiday based on some grand event because we've seen the grand events. It's like, do you remember that time? Trump had a fight on the White House lawn and the most powerful men in America came. One man was the size of 10 men.

And he lifted two trucks over his head and he threw it at the other man. And you're like, now I can watch that UFC fight from the lawn. It fucking sucked. And the guy made it a Michelle Obama joke, which wasn't funny. I mean, it wasn't terrible.

It was not that good. It was not the time for it. It was the time for it. It was the time for it. That's the funny part about it. Let me get a singer in here. Let me get a couple of singers in here. The Berlin Wall coming down.

Okay, so 1989. Yeah. That was cool. And the Bruin Wall comes down. If that was going to become a holiday, that would have happened by now. I think that's the last event that was televised that we'd be like, oh, that's, I don't see any, like, negative side of this. But yeah, it's not going to happen ever again.

It's never going to happen where you have lost. out on myths. No more myths. That's the problem. And it's a little bit sad. You know, or like Will Chamberlain. Oh, the guy banged like 200 women. You go, did he really? I don't know. It was like 37,000. Yeah, but that's the thing. You're like, how many? He's banging like three girls a day. How is that fucking pop? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I want to believe. I look this up. I want to believe that. I want to believe that, uh, fucking Andre the giant drank 200 beers. But now I'm going, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. right we're never going to have that again i don't think 20 000 different women in his lifetime

according to his autobiography how many women is that a day or a year 20 000 women 20 000 is a lot that's absurd yeah one a day would be you wouldn't even get to a thousand after three years well here's the problem with that like strange is great we could all agree on that right but in order to get into like the real kinky weird shit with chicks you kind of got to like work into that you You know what I mean? You don't know what I mean? But my point is it takes like a few months. I'm sorry.

You don't know how to get into a kinky weird shit. I'm dating trannies, Carl. Come on. What do you think we're doing? Ooh, let's bang in the eyes of the Lord and missionary style. I feel like they're doing ATM on day one. I mean, like a real girl. You have to like work.

Yeah, you got to put in the work. You got to put in the work. Exactly. Right. Thank you. Little Chamberlain is just like, ah, I'm just having missionary vaginal. I feel like, neat. Cool, dude.

Cool. I joined off twice today. Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys, no more myths. That's the bottom line. Guys, I want to thank Carl for coming by. Carl, how do we find you?

Who Are These.com is the best place to find me. I host two of these podcasts. The Creep off with Vinnie Pauline on Mondays at 1. And a devilverse live. I do with Blind Mike Geary on Thursdays at 4 p.m. Eastern, either on his channel or my channel. And yeah, subscribe wherever we listen to podcasts. You can listen to Who Are these podcasts?

We make fun of people who stick at podcasting. It's a lot of fun. Who's the, what's the, are people still starting podcasts? Are people still trying to make it happen? Yeah. So now it's like mostly moved over to streams and video cast. You know, when I started this thing 10 years ago, everything was an audio podcast. There was a ton of amateurs and it was really terrible.

And then there's like this influx of celebrities, especially around, the pandemic all the celebrities like i have a podcast now so that was interesting that was a fun little experiment and now like those comedy podcasts that were like huge the fighter and the kid and theo bond and all these shows that like grew these huge audiences they're kind of running on fumes it's it's not what it used to be but i would think the podcasting like people people desperately are trapped inside they're still it's not the same as covid where people were like actually trapped inside, but there's a lot of like people are disconnected and they want to, you know, hang out with some people.

But I don't know. Who do you want to hang out with? I'm not listening to any podcast. I listen to your clips. You know, you guys are doing great, but. I don't know if that was a ringing endorsement, but thank you, Biddle. I don't know what to say. I mean, I tune in.

I don't know. There's a meme. There's a meme that's very funny. And it's this little kid who's sitting cross-legged in front of a poster. And he's the same size. of these four other little kids that are on this poster. And so he's just like sitting next to these like, you know, fake people on the wall and going, hey, I'm hanging out with my friends.

And it's like, this is what podcast listeners are. Like they think like literally there's like this parasocial relationship. Yeah. This is my buddy I'm going to listen to. My buddy Joe Rogan. I want to hear what he's talking about today. Well, this is a this is another. This is a parishes problem I might do on a future episode.

Have you seen the, uh, um, um, um, um, emerging world of YouTube larping. Are you aware of this? I'm not. Where you take a guy who's either dead or has stopped making YouTube content or something. So like King Cobra, JFS would be an example. Sure. King Cobra's an example.

A big one recently was there was a big Minecraft guy named Technobblade who died of like cancer or something. And then you become them and start making YouTube videos as them. So there was a guy who was like, I'm Technobled Larp, and he was making videos as if he was Technobled and talking as if he was Technoblade. It was kind of the ultimate form of this weird parisocial, like, oh, I listened to this guy so much. I want to, let's be clear, like, I started making Star Wars videos because I watched a lot of Red Letter media. And I was like, I'll make a couple videos about Star Wars. But at no point that I say, and I want to be Mike.

And I want to make the video as if I was Mike. I started my show because of Opin Anthony in October. Yeah. I didn't think I was. was Anthony or Jim Norton. I just was like, at no point did you get on the mic and go, hey guys, you're listening to do Anthony Kumia. It would be as if me and you said, we're going to do Opie and Anthony, I'm going to be Anthony, you're going to be Opie.

We're going to learn their manner. Shit, this is a good idea. We're going to learn their mannerisms and just do their show because people want more of it. Did you say I was going to be Opie? You motherfucker? I'll be Opie. I'll be Opie. I will, I know where you live in L.A. And I get so shot and I will show up at your fucking house. I didn't listen to that how much Ope and

I was a stern guy. Me too. I was a propaganda, but I was a stern guy for a long time. Well, I have some voicemails here. Guys, I want to remind you, we do have a voicemail number, and it is, I believe it's 644-6-44-biggest. Call 64-4-4-bigest. Leave your voicemails, and you can be a part of the action. I'm sorry, I lied.

It's 68-9-bigest. 68-9 biggest. Man, I got so excited there. I thought I memorized it. I thought you were talking about for a second. 689, 689. It's 69 with a little eight in the middle. 689, biggest.

This one's coming to us from Riley, a different, Riley. Raleed, hey, other person. This is Riley and friends from the chat, and I've got a big problem for you, okay? You guys ever play Super Mario Bros. 3, hit game by small indie company Nintendo. Well, I've got a big problem. I'll brag, I beat it.

You beat? I beat Mario 3. I think it's the only game ever beat my house. I think I beat it once. I can't remember. But the big problem is that's cheating. That doesn't count. When the mushroom goes left, okay?

So you hit the block, the mushroom comes out of the block. It starts moving. Clearly the level design is made so you go to the right to pick it up, right? They leave space for it on the right, but not on the left. Half the time there's a pit directly to the left. But sometimes... Can you pause it? Yeah.

It depends on how you hit it. it you got to hit it on the left the left doesn't it right yeah right yes that's how that works you thought that was random Jesus Christ Riley and friends I'm pretty sure you can say it's right I don't want to be wrong I don't remember is that how it works I'm pretty sure I think you're right and then mushroom goes to the fucking left fuck you I hate you mushroom why are you doing this to me what a weird problem in 2026 yeah I don't know why you're really struggling with Mario 3. How bad do you need the mushroom? I mean, just pick one up before you get into a level. No, you do need the mushroom. Sometimes you need the

mushroom. I was going to say, did you see the video recently where if the mushroom falls in a pit, but you jump through the ceiling, you scroll through to the mushroom on the bottom? None of this matters. Uh, okay. Okay. I'm watching, you don't watch the deep dives. I'm watching Brazil. Brazil goes fart part five. I'm sorry. I'm not watching what you're talking about. The two hour, we just figured out how to shave. Point three seconds off a Mario speed run.

Here's how it was done. That's so dumb. All right. Here's another one for us. Yeah, my biggest problem right now is why do these Hollywood execs get a hold of IPs that are pretty simple to translate into movies and change them around? For example, James Gunn and the DCs. you instead of making a Batman movie next. What is he doing?

He's making a people versus Gorilla Grod. That's right. The monkey, Gorilla Grodd is getting his own show before anything. And not only that, the leaked images, he's singing. And now in the video, he's singing Backstreet Boys in college. I'm not kidding. Check it out. Gorilla Grod is singing Backstreet Boys, man.

how hard is it hey Hollywood hire new people man hire new people it's very easy you don't have to keep these people that want to all right all right people first girl well I mean it is interesting

did you see the supergirl movie asked me that again Bito did you see the no you got a lady of course I didn't see the supergirl movie you lady didn't go we're going to go see supergirl I want to see women

being powered on screen I'd be more likely to say we gotta go see Supergirl than my life. That's retarded. I am trying to figure out if James Gunn knows what he's doing. It does feel like, man, just give us some fucking Batman, but uh, I don't know. We'll see. That Superman movie wasn't the worst thing I ever saw. I heard it was good. You still haven't seen Superman?

I don't care about Superman. It's the worst superhero hero ever. It's so dumb. Hey, look at me. I can do fucking everything. Hey, what are your powers? Everything. All right, so how do we beat you?

I don't know if there's like this fucking thing that I just, it doesn't have to be the fucking thing that I just like shut down. There's a rock. I can't do anything. Yeah. Okay. There's a lot there. There's a lot to work with.

It's not. You just got to really think about it. It's too simple. It's too dumb. Well, in the movie, you know how you beat him in the movie was Lex Luthor made a Superman robot that kicks Superman in the dick. So that was pretty cool. That is pretty cool.

Superman is a alien from outer space. Yeah. Who could beat up robots. Does anyone know that? There's a clone. It was a clone. I wasn't a script consultant on this. I would have been like, this is dumb.

There was a lot of robots, but it was a lot of robots. He had to fight at one point. It was a lot of robots. You never know what's going to happen. Hey, Vito, I've got a problem for you. It's called On We, the Tiredness of Life. In my case, it's specifically looking at all the things that I buy and surround myself with throughout my house. and how periodically I look at them and say,

this doesn't bring me joy anymore, and I get rid of it. Meaning I vacillate between periods of hypercollecting and periods of purging myself of worldly possessions, not really satisfied with anything in between and that. So I'm looking at the Matrix trilogy on DVD and saying it myself, keep it, you like one of these movies and you like it a little bit less every single time

you watch it. But I also know that as soon as I sell these things, like a week later, I'm going to have the urge to watch The Matrix and I'm going to have to go and buy the new 4K Blu-ray version of it for like 25 bucks. Yeah. And I just feel like there's no comfortable middle ground with owning only the things that you want in life and not the things you don't need at all. I mean, that's what, okay, this plays into the problem I had earlier. Don't listen to the Beatles advice on this at all. He has no idea how to do any of these things.

All we need is like it was nice when there was a society where you went, hey, I'm going to sell my Matrix movie and you don't have to worry about, hey, I'll never be able to own it again. I mean, I guess you can go on eBay or whatever, but it's like you can't go to a store and buy another Matrix DVD or you won't be able to. So here's my recommendation. Yeah. Vito, by the way, you should look to like get rid of shit that doesn't bring you joy anymore. I'm trying.

I'm trying. Are you? You say that a lot. You like to say I'm trying. I don't think you ever are actually trying. What did I sell? I sold some stuff. Yeah.

What did I sell? Well, here's what I was going to say. This guy who has the Matrix trilogy, which is ridiculous. There's one of a good movie. It really is sad that those other two. You have to sell it. They think of this much space in your house. Get rid of the packaging.

Put these things in a thing. And then you can watch the Matrix. But selling things is also a weird cope. Like, should I turn this into $12? Yeah. Who cares? What's that going to do? It's not a good use of your time.

But if you do that twice, you'll have $24. I mean, that's that's two-chillies meals, Carl. Come on. That's true. I mean, what are we doing? It's not a good news. The two-for-24 at Chili's or Applebee's. I don't know who does the two-for-24, but that's a night out with the gal.

I was going to say it's an applebee's and if you had a friend, you could take advantage of that. If I had a friend, I could be going on the Applebee's. Yeah. Well, that's why I'm texting this girl desperately who ghosted me a year and a half ago. Also, this girl I've been texting. I was all, I mean, I was all excited because she's like, yeah, I got a job. I work at that Disney, uh, Disney land. I'm like, yo, I could be going to Disneyland for free.

I got to lock this shit down. That's the gayest thing you've ever said. That's the absolute gayest of you ever said. You're like, there's this chick that I've kind of into. I'd love to like get back with her and like fuck her and stuff. Oh, you're going to fuck her post. I can maybe get free passes in Disneyland. So now I'm in love.

I'm all about perks. I'm all about perks. If I'm dating a girl and she don't come with perks, what's the point? That's the gayest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. So gay. I look, but they did get rid of my favorite thing. I've only been to Disneyland once, but I found my favorite attraction. And now it's gone.

My favorite attraction was Lincoln, where you go in and an animatronic Lincoln. tells you about our great nation. And I went in and I was the only guy in there. Me and the girl I was dating at the time. She's like, do we really got to watch Lincoln? I'm like, this is important. Walt Disney loved this country. And now it's been replaced with, I don't know,

like one of the cars robots telling you about how great cars are. Good. Thank fucking God. They got rid of Tom Sawyer Island. All the Americana is getting stripped out at Disney. Everything's just fucking Cars World and Elsa's Wild Ride. You can't even go on racist Splash Mountain anymore. Splash Mountain was the last racist ride at Disney and it fucking gone because they don't want to think about Uncle Remus or whatever it was.

I was in Texas last year. Yeah. I went to the Alamo. And you know, you know the story of the Alamo, obviously. Sure. We fucking pit those bars and some goddamn are we got to hear you Dick Masters in there. We went big. And now all it is is what you're just describing.

It's just like you walk in. There's like this like video thing that you wash. You hit a button. It's like and then this happened. And then that happened. you're like, oh, so I'm just like on a field trip with my sock, with my, uh, school. Yeah. I mean, it's exciting. Yeah, it sucks.

I have a good time with that stuff. I don't know, man. I, yeah, I did go to Star Wars. Actually, I recorded a bunch of videos of me fighting with Kylo Ren, but I think they're dog shit. So I'll see if I can get those, uh, fucking edited at some point. I did build a lightsaber. I did have to spend an absurd amount of money building a lightsaber because I thought it would make a funny YouTube video.

I never liked Kylo Ren. I didn't like the love interest from girls being the, like, bad ass dude. Nah, he's killing it. He's killing it. That guys, he's got it all figured out. Okay. Do you have more voicemails? There's some more super chats you have not gotten to for some reason.

Yeah, I'm going to, we're going to do the voicemails right now. You struggling with the super chats? Well, the one thing with the super chats is normally stream yard will find them for me. I see him, I see him starred in my thing. Mine, I only see two of them starred. Is that, do you see more of them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Riley and Friends, 715. I've been trying to figure out why I'm only seeing two of them. I wish I could pull these up for you, but I don't have. Yeah, because I want to put them on the screen would be nice. That'd be neat. Do I hit show comments on the least, no? Read them at least? Give me two seconds.

Let me try. Well, we're definitely going to read them. Let me try refreshing to see if they pop back up. Give me two seconds. Okay. Hey, what, no, it's just me on the show. All right, guys, seriously. You got to unsubscribe from this channel.

Do you remember when Dick Madison took over for the biggest, or the biggest problem in the universe that the, that's the name of it. Maddox took over for his show and he still had the feed access. He was just like, guys, way to listen to this. You got up a subscriber like he pasted his own audio at the beginning of that. I don't know. Maddox made a lot of decisions where you go,

man, in hindsight, why did you, why did you do that, man? I mean, it's a retard. Also, I don't know if he understood where I'm like, dude, nobody wants to walk away from a podcast and then have it's like with Opie and Anthony. It's like, I mean, I guess maybe you want to hear Anthony talk about what his shitbag Opie was. But anytime Opie complains about Anthony, you're like, well, this is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard in my life. I know. Like, dude, well, yeah, you guys had a great partnership. It didn't work out.

And nobody wants to hear about, well, you know, I just couldn't deal with Anthony's racism anymore. And once he said something about black people, I just knew we couldn't do it. All right, I got it. I got it. Jesus fucking Christ. The funniest thing about the Maddox versus Dick saga. Yes. Was that after all of the shit went down, Maddox's big move was putting together a three-hour documentary epic about how Dick is stalking him.

And everyone watched the thing and went, I'm sorry, who's stalking who? You spent five years on this project talking about Dick Masterson? Like, not a good thing. look, man. It was the wildest thing that's ever happened. I'm going to make a point real quick. Please. Somebody who has wasted much of their adult life on a desperate

project of failure. I heard super killers came out. I heard super killers is yeah, they're nailing it. Everyone's cool. Everybody's having a real good time. As somebody was wasted a good amount of time trying to make a project happen, at least I could say that project was not an

obsessive documentary about how I was slighted by some guy on the internet. Where I go. The words at least were the most important words in that sentence. But yeah, go ahead. Yes. That's still pathetic.

I understand. But we're getting it printed. I just got the lettering back and printed. You're still pretending this is coming out. It's coming out. It's coming out. I swear to God, I'm doing the test print. I'm doing the test print this week.

And if the test print comes back, I just, once the test print comes back, you look forward for it for an email next month. All of my backers, we're going to need your final addresses so we can deliver this thing. Your final address. You probably moved thrice since you've given me money for this thing. It's been a lot of hang out. Hey, look, we're 40 pages into number two. Number two is going to knock your socks off.

Don't with number two. Don't with number two. Number two. Why? Who are you going to make a movie next? Stop it. I'm coming back. I'm coming back.

I'm going to be the king of the comic world. I'm going to win back. That's the funniest thing. Win hearts and minds. People give you money. years ago and you're like, all right, your forwarding address probably no longer applies. So let me know where you currently live.

There will be some logistical issues. I accept that. But okay, look, like, I'm going to say this. Yes, it fucking took way too long. And, uh, yeah, I will, I will say, I'm not going to make excuses, but my brain was broken for a while there. I was, I had a lot of fucking health issues, honestly. And now it's better.

I, dude, I'm, I'm on some, uh, I'm going to the doctor again. Let's put it that way. I didn't go to the doctor for years. And then I went to the doctor and they went, yeah, you're like kind of close to dying in a number of ways. Like you got fucking. I'm sorry. That was me at Hackamania.

I'm not a doctor. I know that Steve was there in the room. And I was telling you, you're not healthy. You're going to die. And you're like, I went to all. You said four shots of vodka at the bar. I just wanted to do that. I'm like, I know.

I'm healthier than you. I know, but I'm looking at you and you're absolutely. Look, I went to a very rude Chinese doctor who went, listen, fat boy, you go die. And I'm like, okay, all right. And I listen to the doctor. And you're like, some chicken cheshwada. I'll get out of your fucking hair.

I got to say, I did what the doctor said. They took my blood again. He said, I can't believe it, but you cleared up a lot of the fucking problems we were having. But, yeah, I'm not going to, I'm not going to keel over. But for a while there, guys, I was not sleep. Like, I would go days not sleeping. And then I would go three days of sleeping. Like I was, you remember how many episodes I showed up

and I was like falling asleep at the fucking desk. So I got a doctor. I'm getting my health in order. I'm on some medication, which is giving me energy. I'm very productive. Good. You know, I'm a whole, look, I understand I lost a lot of faith from people where they go, Vito's just a lazy sex shit.

He's not doing anything. I understand that. And you have every right. I was a private conversation you and I had together, but go ahead, keep talking. All I can do is say, you know, over the next couple months, judge me by my output. I think if anybody who's paying attention, I'm trying to put my best foot forward, try to clean up my thing.

Also, Carl, I am looking to do more comedy, man. I love comedy. So I'm going to be doing maybe some stand-up. I don't know. I got to figure out what's going on. How do you feel about stand-up these days? I hate it. That's what I'm worried about.

I'm the biggest stand-up fan. I love stand-up comedy. I go see stand-up all the time. I was just at the comedy club this past weekend. I am a huge fan of stand-up comedy. But as far as the people who I know who are stand-ups, and when I hear about being a stand-up, it sounds fucking horrible.

I would never want to do it. The realm of being a stand-up in general. Yeah. There's very little upside to it. There's a little upside. There's little money. And also, like, the audiences are not coming. out man the attention span dude i went saw so i went saw doug benson yeah and vini paulino was a

feature and there were a couple other local guys who were very funny i really enjoyed it we were sitting right in the front because there was a lot of seats and so we got this set right in the front we got to watch the show doug benson was hilarious i like doug benson a lot but i'm like dude this guy's 64 years old and he's performing two shows tonight in rochester new york each show has a few dozen people watching him like this is a known guy Doug loves movies it's the same with me

like I got buddies who have been standups forever and you're going I'm like well what are you up to and they're like ah you know I'm gonna be I actually got a buddy who's doing the USO so that's cool I'm like well that's good but yeah but again it's like it's not like before where standup

was kind of like the path it's like you proved yourself as a standup you got you something movies right yeah that's not there anymore it's not i saw right and long long long and i are kind of friends whatever we hung out before and he invited me back in the green room we were hanging out and he crushed it he was so right along is one of the funniest fucking guys so good and his life is just like i think he would make more money and be a bigger celebrity if he just focus on his youtube stuff his youtube videos are hysterical yeah they've got a lot of them gone super viral he's

very funny he's got great takes he does great like man on the street stuff and his comedy's phenomenal yeah i don't know where that's going to take him i mean he's doing very well he's making a shit ton of the money he does he does very well i'm sure he's getting tons of pussy and he's one like the top tier he's like at the top tier as far as stand-ups go stand-up comedy is just so playing in a band so i i love performing live stand-up comedy is like you've learned your act and you do it exactly the same way because you learn the cadence of it. This is how I tell the punch. It's how I lead into it and then I do this, you know.

It's like it's so robotic and almost like uncreative. It's weirdly sterile. Well, I think me and you have the same thought, which is I think the funniest thing that I, you know, choose to listen to is banter. It's part of why Howard Stern works so well. And it's part of why opium anthe works so well is like, I think the funniest thing comes out of guys just riffing on the fly coming up with shit out of nowhere. It's hit or miss, but yeah, I know what you mean. It's hit or miss, but like when you get, I've been listening to Comtown clips and I'm just

like, holy shit. Nick Mullin's. Dude, when I listen to Nick Mullin, I get stop and Stav's laugh was fucking like sold it. Him and Stav and Nick Mullen, when I listen to that podcast, I actually get like a fucking imposter syndrome where I go, oh, I'm not funny at all. Oh, I totally agree with you. When I hear Nick Mullen on a podcast, I'm like, this guy can do every fucking, when I hear

Nick Mullen. I'm like, this guy can do every impression and he's embarrassed by it. Like he goes, he's going to do impressions. It's like, I don't do a pressure. It's like, no, you do. Hey, you're killing it. It's fucking hilarious. Nick Mullen is like a once in a lifetime comedy genius and now something. He doesn't even like to do it. It's so weird. No, it's crazy. But again, and that his comedy though, I think the best stuff is born out of him just riffing guys just riffing. Uh, and part of the reason I want to do stand up is, you know, I'm out in LA. I think it's more, it's less now,

stand-up is more for comedians to meet comedians, is what it feels like. You're doing stand-up, like, there might be a little audience, whatever else, but it's more just like you integrate yourself into the comedy community, you meet people. Make an action, yeah, I mean,

I want to be filming, you know, skits and videos and shit. And, you know, a lot of the comedians I was working with are either fucking move to Texas or they're dead. So I'm like, okay, I got to, I can't just keep doing the internet thing. I got to actually get out in L.A. and, you know, find some people who want to make stuff.

So we'll see. That's what I'm hoping to be doing. Good therapy session. I'm out a little super chest. Did you figure out the super chat thing? I'm saying, it's coming. I printed a fucking comic book. I know. I get it. I'm a fuck up. I'm a fuck up. I'm trying to fix it. I'm looking at all. All right. All right. All right. So Riley and Friends said W. Caro, Creepo Nation rise up. I don't know if we read that one. We did not.

for 10 says less than 10,000 views is the biggest problem in the universe. We got to get this episode to 10,000 views. I will say one thing I've learned about this show is that like the after listeners, the guys who aren't listening live, like the downloads are steady, strong. Like a lot of guys, I guess, don't turn out for the live ship. Okay. That is true. Most people who watch my show. Yeah.

I get way more views after the fact. However, YouTube just changed the way they count views. So numbers are inflated. It's the right word, but they're counting it differently. So I'm getting way more views on my videos they used to. Yeah. It's just neat. But it's like, well, they're not talking about.

You can't figure out if you're doing good or not. Right. Let's see. What else did I miss? Coup for two. Thank you for not killing yourselves. LJ. Claborino for two says Mad Cucks is a guest host.

Madkers is a great love tab. I don't think he likes you, though. Tab does not like me at all. Yeah. I don't think so. When we did the hackamanian, we all shared the Airbnb. I don't know if you know this about me. I really like taking showers.

It's a way for me to decompress. It's like and collect my thoughts. So at the Airbnb, I was taking a lot of showers. And I later saw Mad Cucks being like, why is this fat asshole taking all these showers? I was like, I don't know, man. It's just my process. Let me take my showers. I think you disliked you before your shot.

Well, there was a number of reasons, but the showers didn't help. I really hit him with the showers. Matt M for five, I got bored pooping at work and asked Grock to rank the top 20 problems for this show. Social media got number 13. Oh, not bad, Carl. Grock likes you. Yeah, that was me. Not Mothman for two.

And for another two says, yeah, we did that one. KC. shuffle for two. I've been a high-sea sailor since my first PC. Super easy. John R. for 10. Great episode. Carl surprisingly solid despite the lack of Chinese beauty filters. Carl, I don't know.

Have you thought about putting on some beauty filters maybe would help you really reach your audience? Oh, look like I should drive a car? Should I drive a car? You're adorable right now. Oh, which way I go in? I don't know. I mean, if it was Mario Kart, I'd be fine with it. You know, you may fall off the rainbow road, but you'd be fine.

Okay, good luck, everybody. I turn now. There we go. Nailed it. I have to turn these off. These are horrific. AK for five, R. Okay, now,

I thought mine was on loop. Mine's better. I got a better one. I had a good after you one. Oh, okay, you got the classics. AK for five, RIP, Mr. Hans. Beach Hook for five, as if your uncle getting a letter for your jerk searches wouldn't be bad enough.

When I was in eighth grade, I tried looking up girls my own age. Oh, no. He's pretending he was in eighth grade when he did that. Why is your search history looking for 14 year olds? I was also 14. That's also 14. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Orange, mid for five from AIA taking over the nation to 3DS game degradation.

I will admit, I only went through half my 3DS games. I'm going to do the other half tonight. I heard Fire Emblem is one of the ones that goes out. You don't care about those games. I'm going to, well, okay, I want to sell those. Those are worth money. And I got to make them working so I can sell them correct. Exactly. Casey, shovel for two, says you die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.

It's true. Riley and Friends for two, largest issue in the galaxy was ahead of its time. Glenn for five, could Carl not hear the drummer on the TV appearance or is it one of his limitations? Dude. So you did a live set on the news, right? What would happen? I didn't listen to it, though. I was like, I guess it was fine.

Well, did it go? I mean, it is what it is. We did a local news program. morning news program. Yeah. I mean, it's funny. I don't I'm not usually up at that hour. Whatever. Um, but yeah, the drummer was not miced up. Not that I couldn't hear him. I just I play out of the beat. I rush things. I used to be in a punk band. I stink. I stick. I said. I played too fast. I put too fast. I push the beat. My drummer tells me this all the time. That's good. I saw that movie. pushing the beat that movie fucking uh the things you do you're that guy we go we got to play faster that's what the kids are dancing to you're that guy i gotta slow down i will tomorrow night i'll be at the bear park with the isotopes we'll slow it down it's local tv news carl i wouldn't lose too

much sleep i'm five of that yeah a lot of shows covered at the dapple first though a lot of shows i get a lot of shows going carl's playing too fast what's he doing i tell you the worst part about so we did an interview so we played a song Yeah, we did an interview and then we played another song that was like our segment right so the interview they miced me up because I'm like I'm kind of the spokesperson of the band whatever you know they mic'd me up to talk to me even though there's all of us on the stage So they go okay we're gonna have you move over here put your guitar down and I needed my guitar as like my security blanket To cover my gut and stuff like I wanted my guitar like or like something to hold on to you and like so I'm not fidgety with my hands or whatever and like put your guitar and I'm like oh And then I'm like, oh, no, I'm like, put my hands in my pocket awkwardly and, like, talking to people. You don't know how to stand, Carl?

No. Have you ever stood on TV talking to a, uh, and? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I mean, like, I've been interviewed by the news. And I said, yeah, guys. Okay. No, but like you're like an in studio segment for, that goes out for six minutes.

Where they're just shooting. Okay. When you're just talking. I don't know. Just stand normally and talk to like you're normally. How did the host? Okay. Well, are the hosts holding stuff?

And they got like papers or. something i don't know i offended the female host and she was mad of me i know you really you really you need media training car i do i do need to be yeah you need to go hey i'm about to go on the news should i talk about how women get old and are no longer useful dude my no carl don't talk about my point my point was the bull that show up i wanted to get them uncomfortable i'm gonna really razz the local news yeah okay i want to make them uncomfortable what do you why would you I got it. What else do I have to gain from?

I know it's going to circulate through the devil verse. Hopefully get some clips going. Sure. All right. But then you got to nail the fucking landing with the big solo and you fuck it up. You're right. Let's see. Riley and Friends for Two says Big League gamer Carl over here.

In Malthylvania for three says, Supercolor's coming out. I thought it was a scam. It is not a scam. We will be getting it to you guys. Expect a Patreon update and I need the addresses. Stop promising. Jesus. This is good.

This is good shit. My promise has always come true, and everybody gains from them. And that's the bottom line. Guys, biggest problem in the universe, episode 240. I want to thank, again, Carl Hamburger, subscribe to at Carl WATP on YouTube or check out Who Are These.com. Is that the right URL? That is. Who Are These.com.

Awesome. Carl, thanks for coming by. You know, I love you. And hopefully all, good luck on your next big TV appearance. Just go on and go, hey, what's the deal with all these TV ladies? You all look like skanks. Look at this skank here. I'm in a band that doesn't have lyrics on the songs.

Isn't that cool? You're on television. You have bigger tits by now? You want to get out of this market or not? Tuts? What are you doing? You know, that might work. That's not a bad move.

Bye-bye. Bye.