The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 244

Episode Date: October 9, 2026

Vito and Karl yell at a robot until it cries

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls from around the world, it's the biggest problem in the universe, featuring my heteroconfant Carl Hamburger. What is happening, Vito? Good to see you, buddy. How you been, man? You had your big live show last week, right? Yeah, we're in Detroit doing WTP live in Royal Oak, a very nice suburb of Detroit. I wouldn't actually go out of the city. Detroit has a nice suburbs. See, that's what I got confused about when you're like, we're doing a big show in Detroit. I was like, well, why the fuck would you do that? The armpit of America.

Two nice suburbs. There's Furndale and Royal Oak. And to get to those places, you have to drive by a lot of wig stores if you catch up my drift. Lots of wig stores on the way from the airport to the nice suburbs. Are you saying there's a lot of ladies getting their hair did in Detroit? Is that what you're saying? A lot of cricket wireless, if you hear what I'm saying, if you're picking up what I'm putting down. Boost Mobile, you got the whole city behind you.

They don't have Boost Mobile anymore, do they? I don't know. The black people unfortunately ran Booth Mobile out of business. I've only heard of AT&T and Verizon. The city dwellers is what I'm supposed to say. Right. Yes. Yeah.

You got the whole city behind you. Well, I will tell you that Detroit was a blast. We had a very good time. And, you know, obviously I've been very busy these past couple weekends doing, uh, went to Toronto the weekend before that and then Detroit. But, uh, things will, uh, things will quiet down. And I'll be able to, uh, get on the,

internet more often was what people want for me they're like there's not enough car that's what they demand that and hot new isotopes tunes that's true so many guys I go yeah you know I've been doing a lot of stuff with Carl they go from the isotopes that's how people know me oh yeah the new album drops this Saturday uh the I still make a movie it's called uh it'll be available to stream this Saturday is there going to be a CD pressing is there going to be a vinyl is I have CDs that'll be available in our show Saturday night we have an album release party we were going to get vinyl made but my drummer was working on that and he goes oh yeah it's gonna take um three to four months ago well probably should look to that a lot sooner than the classic album launch that comes

four months after the album launches well i'll be looking for you got to send me a copy i want to play some isotopes tunes i don't send you a copy it's 2026 you can stream it send me uh do you not have wait okay here's a question do you not pay for streaming music i don't actually i just I listen to everything on YouTube, basically. Okay. Well, it'll be up on YouTube, I'm sure. And when I say listen to everything on YouTube, I mean, listen to the same drum and bass mix I've been listening to for the last four years.

And I go, this is fine. I don't need any new music. What do you do to drum and bass? You dance? No, I just, it like gets me in the mood to, you know, hang out and jerk off, I guess. Okay. That makes sense. I was going to say to work, but that's clearly not what's going on.

You know, uh, no, I like a little D&B. I used to be like super autistic with music though where I would just listen to the same song on loop for like a week until I got tired of it and then listen to a different song on loop for a week. Why do you call that autistic? I mean, because it's better than saying retarded. I don't know.

Yeah, it sounds lazy. You know what I mean? He's just like fucking lazy. Try different tracks. He wouldn't see if something else you like. No, because there'd only be like one good track. Like I really got into the social network soundtrack for some reason.

That was a good one. Really? Yeah, yeah. Did you ever listen? That was by, what's his guy? What's the guy who did the social network soundtrack? Oh, famous guy. Famous guy. The soundtracks. Social network soundtracks.

I know Prince did the first Batman movie, but I don't know about a lot of. Trent Rezner was Trent Resner. Oh, yeah, Dinot Janels. Yeah, that's good shit. Yeah, I guess. Movie soundtracks are good for work. If it's got lyrics in it, I can't focus on anything. I just need driving moronic music.

Well, then you'll love the ice tells make a movie available. Oh, that's really stream music. music this Saturday, the 10th of October. How have you been? Vito, how did you? How was the show? I missed the show last week. How'd it go?

Well, we're going to, we got some comments about it. We'll get into those. Let's say it was mixed. I think I came in. Okay, one thing you learned from doing this show is sometimes you come in, like, all hot shit. You're like, I got a great problem. And then you get like 10 seconds into it. And you go, ah, I got a fucked up.

I got nothing. So then I tried to hard pivot into talking about fucking. cartoon characters and there was kind of a mixed reaction there. What kind of cartoon characters? Well, let's go through the Steamboat Willie or something or? Worse than that. Here, I got the winners from last week. Now, I did win with my problem of white men in commercials.

That was the top one. That's a good one. Goofy Gusses. I don't know if he saw that recent commercial where they're going, can you believe all this welfare fraud from young white guys playing video games? video games and you go, oh yeah, that's a real big problem. They're also breaking in all the houses, these white guys. I know it's a real problem. Yeah, you got there.

Billy was a little uncomfortable with that problem I noticed. He's like, I haven't noticed this at all. I don't know what you're talking about. He brought in the problem of expectations, which came in second. Genetic engineering was a flat zero with neither up nor down. And for some reason, my problem of wanting to fuck the green M&M woman came in negative, Carl. Oh, that's why you pivoted to cartoons? like Jessica Rabbit and stuff

That was the one example I kept coming back to Was I went look if we're gonna fuck anything It's clearly the green M&M I think It's just because she's horny It's because she's the hottest one of Eminem objectively How what do you mean she's not hot Vito? What do you think goes into it?

M&M commercial and the yellow M&M who is white coated by the way which is why he's an idiot Right And the red M&M who's kind of like Maybe Indian or Asian or something because he's always like a little smart ass. He's like, ah, you know, we got to do this M&M shit. And the green one will walk in in those fuck me boots and just kind of look at the camera and like, you know, blow kisses and spread her legs.

And you go, well, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm sorry. Vito, what do you think makes a woman attractive? Because the, the, the, Evan doesn't have like a spherical green. You're right. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say. Shell is what I want.

It shouldn't look like the gravitron. That's not what a hot girl looks like. They should be like slender and tall, long legs, boobies, but. Look, when I was a child, I don't have any of those things? When they said, you know, you got to get a lady with curves. I said, well, the whole fucking thing is a curve. She's one big curve. That's what I want.

Oh, boy. Anyone who says they don't want to fuck the green Eminem is lying. That's where I'm at. You're lying right now. We all know it. There's an instinctual desire there. And even our commenters are lying. Joe Dirk said we severely need a married,

man on this show. I don't know what that means. Yeah, congratulations. Buttered bread slices. Carl, I sincerely apologize forever criticizing you. Please come back. All right. I like that. There was a lot of people who are. If you don't go away, they can't miss you, Vito, you know? That's true. The comeback is real. Now, I did mention another character as Aaron Harver brought up. Out of any cartoon, Vito picking a character from the Teen Titans to bang is so on brand. I can't even be mad at it. So I did mention, of course, Starfire from Teen Titans, who comes in second to the green Eminem on the list of fuckable cartoon characters. I'm sure this is brought up on the show.

I'm not up to speed on it. Yeah. The word Teen Titans is better than pre-teen Titans, but still could be problematic. You know, the Teen Titans, the Teen Titans, if you really get into it, I mean, they're clearly adult. coded Titans. They're not teenagers, you know. What do you think the mutant turtles are? They're not, the mutant turtles are not acting like teenagers either. Yeah, they are. They're saying, let's eat pizza and Kalabunga, man.

But if you watch Michelangelo, fuck April O'Neill, you're not like, oh my God, I can't believe April O'Neill is taking advantage of that teenage turtle. I did, I did see that episode. That's true. That's a good point. Exactly. But they put the word teen in there specifically so you know that they're teenagers. Look, I started watching Teen Titans when it was okay. I was probably, I was Probably 14 when Teen Titans showed up. So it's okay for me to maintain a crush on the characters from Teen Titans. But I'm not still jerking off to Lisa Turtle.

That's the difference. All right. Exclusively jerking off to fucking Teen Titans. I know what's like my exclusivity. Look, there was this guy on Newgrounds who would make these pitch perfect fucking flash animations of the chicks from Teen Titans getting railed by Cyborg. And Cyborg would go, boo yeah, boo yeah, as he made love to them with his robot penis. and you know that's a formulative experience for me as a young man and I don't think it's wrong for me to to cherish that memory I'm going to give you credit on something yeah the animator is a worse person that you are the guy who made that is way worse than the guy jerking off to it so I'll give you that thank you you understand and as mushroom milkshake says Billy was our guest last week he said goddamn Carl you're huge how much shit have you been eating I think he got confused

by our guest last week. Right. I don't know that shit packs on pounds either. No, I would think it's a pretty low... All the calories have already been stripped out of it, right? Right. You would think.

Yeah. Yeah. So you can eat as much as you want. You can really just go to town. And speaking of going to town, let's... Come on, baby. Let's vote it up. Come on, man.

Don't be a fucking cuck. Carl, it's voted up. The segment. where we talk about past problems and put them in a new light from episode 224. Tell me if you know this story, the story of cross-dressing Republicans. How do you feel about that, Carl?

I've seen it. You've seen it? I've seen cross-dressing Republicans, yes. Well, we're going to take a look at it. We're going to take another look at it because this story has a bit of an update. Former Homeland Security Secretary Christy Knoem has filed for divorce from her husband,

Byron Noe. months after reports of his cross dressing and bimbo fetish came to light it's embarrassing it's not like she does you didn't know about it right it's just embarrassing she must have known on she must have known right I mean it's not like you how does your how do you hide a giant pair of fake tits in the house yeah you know there's like over here I've never seen this closet before like oh that's not a closet don't even go in there don't worry about it you can't hide that kind of thing with your wife yeah i mean so what do you what do you do in that situation where your husband's just

yeah i'm gonna go put on the fake tits and jerk off you just go okay well i got to go run homeland security so i think she was i think she was into it don't you no you think she was into that shit no i think it was why would they get a divorce they wouldn't get a divorce then for optics i'm telling you it's embarrassing as soon as it came out she's like oh i don't like any of this stuff weird you know they could have been bronies or something you know you don't know you don't know She's not going to admit it. Brony would be better, actually. Brony would respect a bit more than this.

This comes after the Daily Mail reported on Mr. Nome's online activities and a fetish community known as bimbofication, which involved wearing fake breasts and chatting with adult online performers. So I think the duck lips here is maybe the biggest insult. It's a real turnoff for me. I mean, look, it's one thing to put on. the fake tits and pretend to be a hot chick is going to get fucked by a million guys i get it okay i can wrap my head around that but like once you take the picture don't you look at the picture and you

go i should probably delete that that's not going to do anything for me it's not really here he is here he is with the easter bunny for some reason there you go well this was a happy fan i mean um i'm sorry he's a normal looking guy he's supposed to do photo ops with children He's probably just like, what the fuck are these two weirdos doing? I'm not here for you. Yeah, it's a bit confused. Here he is again. Can I even show?

I mean, let's be, I hope I don't get flagged for this. This is a flesh body suit. Yeah, these aren't real boobs. No one's getting. No, there's not real boobs. But I'm not going to lie, I'm looking at him and I'm going, eh, there's something there. It would be, it would be fun to grab onto these things. I mean, don't you think when you take the photo and you got,

one fake nipple point in one direction. One fake nipple point in the other, you'd go, these are just not good photos. I was going to end up. This is about the last photo. Nipple placement is a bit of a problem. The worst part was he was like mailing these. Okay.

I feel bad for sex workers on some. Can we take that off the screen? I mean, if we're going to have a conversation. Thank you. Jesus Christ. This guy's fucking spread eagle in front of us with, with short shorts.

Yeah. I'm sorry. You're mailing it out. Go ahead. I was saying that like these sex workers in a way, they're fucking saints because, okay, I know he's probably paying them to go, hey, aren't I a beautiful fucking woman? Don't you like my tits? But like, I couldn't, I couldn't do it for any amount of money.

I'd be like, nah, that just looks terrible. I'm sorry. I can't. I don't know what amount of money I would get to where I go, you are a very attractive lady. Good work. Congratulations. I'll start the bidding at $20. dollars. I think you'd be bought and sold very easily. That's my guess. I think I'd give it the old

college try, but at a certain point, it'd be like, tell me exactly what you like about my comically fake tits. And I'd go, you know, just the, uh, just the shape of them, the way the nipples, like they're going to point my, poke my fucking eye out. I agree. I agree you wouldn't be good at it, but I think you'd take the money. I think you try the money. But I, that's what I'm saying, though. I think these ladies, they're good at it. I think they would know what to say. Maybe being women themselves, they know what they would like to hear. I don't fucking know.

All I know is that problem is currently number 912 with only 18 up votes. I think in the light of this divorce, maybe guys go vote it up. I got one other problem for you. It's from episode 212. It's the problem with crappy salsa. Well, Carl, don't worry about crappy salsa because soon you might not have any salsa at all. Remember what I said sometimes you bring in something and then you start reading it and you go, who gives a shit about this?

What the fuck is part of this? Democrat James Taurico says Republican-backed tariffs on Mexican tomatoes are driving up costs for restaurants and could threaten the free chips and salsa at your local restaurant. Time out. Okay. So I'm aware of how kosher food. is, you know, how food becomes kosher. Yes. In order to have salsa in a Mexican restaurant, does that have to be Mexican tomatoes?

It doesn't have to be Mexican tomatoes. Yeah, like we have to use Mexican tomatoes or to have salsa. I don't think so. Well, hold on, hold on. Any tomato will do. Since 2015, tomatoes imported from Mexico account for 90% of the United States. Well, this has fresh tomato imports. So not all tomatoes, just imported tomatoes.

Right. I don't actually know what percentage of tomatoes are coming from. Tomatoes are so easy to grow. you could grow them in your house hanging off of a basket. They're so fucking easy to grow. But Carl is 17% tariff on fresh tomatoes from Mexico. Well, this was actually meant to boost production for American farmers and business owners. So maybe we are getting more fucking American tomatoes.

I don't know. Right. Maybe the Democrats are fucking around here. That's the whole point of tariffs. Yeah. So we domestically produce things again. I feel like Democrat James Tala Rico is drumming up some bullshit. You go, we're not even going to have salsa anymore if you keep Trump around.

So you know, you know who he's trying to get worried about this is the pores. Because the pores go off. I don't get free chips and salsa. I wouldn't even go out to a restaurant anymore. That's the only reason why I go. That's a big part of a meal for a lot of people. I mean, it is for me, too. Don't get me wrong.

I do love the free chips and salsa. Are you a Chili's guy, Carl? Chili's the chain restaurant? Yes. No, I'm more of a Chili's too. I like to go to the airport just to go to Chili's. Chili's two go. You're a Chili's too old.

Chili's too go. Yeah. That's my jam. Are you a Chili's guy, Vito? Dude, I love chilies, but I don't have anybody or the closest chilies to me is on the other fucking end of town and my buddy lives in the exact opposite direction. So I got nobody to go to Chili's with. What do you like the Chili's like?

I'm like, dude, let's go pound some like shitty margaritas and he's a fucking snob. He's like, you know, we can make real margaritas. You know, I'm like, yeah, but I want shitty Chili's margaritas for like $5 a piece. What's my favorite thing at Chili's? Yeah, why do you like to go to Chili's? I just, Chili's is like all the food, all of it, honestly, is like just solid across the board. It's affordable. I will say for the longest time, did you ever have Chili's chicken crispers back in the day?

I think so, yeah. I'm talking about. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Chili's used to have the greatest chicken fingers. And then for the last like 10 years or something, I'm like, oh, man, they kind of. the way they make the chicken fingers in LA sucks. And then I found out it's all chilies, no longer make the chicken fingers.

They used to have this tempora batter. And they said, we found out that the majority of Americans have no taste and we'll just eat chicken fingers, no matter what quality they are. I'm going, no, it was an official announcement. I don't think that that was their PR announcement. I was reading a thing with the CEO, the CEO specifically said, listen, we used to make really good chicken fingers, but then we realized you people are animals and we'll just eat any chicken fingers.

And the, the 2% of you who noticed the difference do not affect our bottom line. And I go, I'm that 2%. I remember how good the Chili's chicken crisper was. Like, it was fucking incredible. I remember when the CEO for Pizza Hut came out and goes,

our pizza's shit, but you guys don't give a fuck. Keep eating it. I was like, I was like, yeah, this guy's right. No,

the reason why I asked that. He didn't say it's shit, but he said it's like, it's different. I'm like, yeah, but it's different bad. Come on.

We know it's bad. The reason why I ask that is because you live in L.A. And I've been to L.A. a few times the Mexican restaurants there are phenomenal. Yes, there is good. So the fact that you're like, I wish I could go to Chili's is insane to me. Well, I don't go to Chili's for the Mexican food. If I go to Chili's, I'm getting like a burger or some fucking, they have that appetizer platter. Okay, that makes sense.

Southwestern Egg rolls are fantastic. And I already told this story on this show, Carl, the best, the great disappoint. appointment of my life was recently I went to Vegas and this guy I know was having a party in his hotel room and he explained to me he used to run one of these businesses that just resells gift cards right gets gift cards cheap buys them off people and sells them online for more money and he said he quit that business but then one day he gets an email from Chili's that says don't forget to use your $50,000 in Chili's credit and he said oh shit I had a lot of Chili's gift cards left over that I forgot about so I

I go to this guy's hotel room and he just had endless chilies. And I was, there was only like eight people there. And I was like, I don't have, if I was at home, I could take this and I could put it in my fridge, I could put it in my freezer. All this chilies is going to get ruined. All these southwestern egg rolls. They're not going to get eaten. The crazy part is Vito weighed a buck 60 when he got to Vegas.

He smuggled all of it back. I tried to keep some of it in the bathtub in the hotel room with some ice from the thing, but it was not a good idea. I probably got food poisoning. Anyway, the problem is crappy salsa. Not going to be available at the chilies anymore. And that's a problem. So go ahead and vote.

Come on, baby. Let's vote it up. Come on, man. Don't be a fucking cuck. Listen, bad chili is a problem. Or chili, bad salsa is a problem. Bad salsa. I hate when I go to a restaurant and it's shitty salsa.

You're like, I want to be even doing then. How do I trust anything else going on in that kitchen? They can't figure this out. And out here, they'll be like, they'll give you the wrong salsa. That's a whole other, that's a whole other scenario. That's not going to do that.

That's a rabbit hole. I can't. There's too much tackling in one evening. Well, Carl, I've just been ranting about chilies for a while. So why don't you hit us with a problem? I would love to. It's funny you bring up Christy Gnome.

Christy Nome is actually part of the solution to this problem. But the problem is up in solacely. yet that problem is the TSA you familiar with this organization yes I am aware of the transit is the transit service authority what is it is that correct sure why not no what is the TSA uh transportation I would imagine transportation security administration there you go you're so close it got every word wrong okay so the the TSA obviously you remember 9-11 right Oh, yeah, yeah. About 25 years ago.

I was almost in a couple of those plans. I was, I was on an all eight. And the bomb that hit the Pentagon. Interestingly, the pilot, I was, you know, waiting to get on the plane of the pilot said, you want to, you want to fly this one kid? And I said, no, you handle it. And then he went to die. Wow.

You almost got box cuttered in the face. I almost flew the plane on 9-11. So the TSA, this is, you know, obviously another fucking government organization that's run amok, has all this authority, creates all these fucking crazy ass rules. I mean, do you remember, shoes off, laptops out? Liquids can be in three ounces or less, because somehow you can take a plane down if you have four ounces of milk. None of it made any fucking sense.

No one question anything. Oh, this is for our safety. This is so great. This is so fucking awesome. I'll get to the airport three hours early. Yeah, that sounds great. Why not? God, that's the whole point of flying is it's faster.

And then they'll just like, okay, but you're going to get him. 3 a.m. if you want to get there today. What are we doing? Okay. So just being bleary-eyed and like waiting in that line and then just some lady going, you got to take your shoes off. Yeah. Dude, whenever you get yelled at it by TSA,

it's the most embarrassing thing in the world when you leave the laptop in the bag. And you're like, yeah, I'm that guy. I don't know. I don't know the rules. Vito. So I bring this up because I was in airports recently. I went to Detroit. And so I always get annoyed with this shit.

The thing's annoying me right now about it is that they've made it better, substantially better. Shoes stay on, laptop stay in, they don't give a shit about liquids anymore. If you have pre-check, you're not going through that fucking metal detector thing that is probably giving you cancer. But there's like, it gradually happens. There's no big announcements. It's different at every airport. And like you said, TSA agents get mad at you for doing it wrong. They're like, oh, sir, you got to get your laptop and your iPad out of your bag.

I'm like, I just went through four other airports that none of them gave a fuck. Do you understand you guys are all doing this differently? And it's very confusing for people. It's also not that big a deal. Like the way they act is like, oh, now we're going to have to scan the whole fucking thing. I go, well, yeah, it's your job. What do you care? You're going to swab it with the thing.

And you know, it's just a laptop anyway. Like, my God. I've had my shit pulled out and swabbed so many times. and the other thing I get and I don't know why this happens I've been felt up at least a half dozen times by TSA like white in the crotch

and I know I get it I'm a handsome man but they'll even say like Carl Hamburger from the isotopes I'm going to touch his dick I know I don't touch his dick and I'm like I'm going to do it and it's going to be awesome I'm like can we just take a selfie instead I mean do you have to touch my dick I'll sign an autograph

what do you need and they'll even say I need to check your dick sir step aside step off to the side so i can touch your dick have you by the way have you ever been uh told that they need to check your crotch area i don't know if they've ever used that uh i've had them say i'm going to use the back of my hands i don't know what that is like so it's okay to rape a guy if you use the back of the hands for some reason so though yeah if you use a baldow it's fine so they'll actually give you the option they're like do you want to go into a private room and that's a scary thing right there like wow what's gonna happen you know what are we talking

about and i always say no whatever you're gonna do do your worst you know i want there to be fucking witnesses whatever you're going to do right now when all these people standing around here waiting for their bag i want them to all see what you're doing to my junk it's never a hot chick it's always either just like are a stone-faced 50-year-old man or uh like a lot of times it is a black I don't know. I guess they usually have the guy patch you down though. It's never the girl will patch you down. It's always the guy. I might actually have a good story. It's always the guy. Yeah. And, uh, it, you never know what age they are because black don't crack. So I never know. So just this past time, I have TSA pre-check. I do all the things you have to do to get on an airplane like, I don't know, not be a jihadist. Uh, you know, love my life. I want to take my stuff out points for that. Thank you points for that. Yeah, yeah. I get pulled out of the line for a random screening. I'm not wearing a turban.

I have pre-check for Christ's sake. Do you have TSA pre-check? You don't go anywhere. You don't care. I don't have pre-check, no. But I was going to say, Carl, like, you do carry, like, a slight unabomberish energy about you. That's just not true. I mean, like, I look at you and I go, okay, he's got the beard.

He's got, like, like, he's been sitting at his computer thinking about how to hack the mainframe or whatever. I go, he might be one of these white in-cell terrorists. You think I was radicalized by Rick and Morty? What, like, what do you think's happening here? Well, like, when I go through, they go, this fat fuck's too lazy to build a bomb. He's not built a bomb. You look like you got a woodshed and some tools and a wife where you should be like, what are you working on, honey?

You go, get out of here. I'm trying to change the fucking world. You know, like you could be that guy. You work for TSA, don't you? No, I'm saying. You're one of them. I see what they see. You're fucking one of them.

I can tell. So the whole point of having TSA pre-check is that you have to like go through this background check thing where they're just like, well, this guy probably doesn't want to kill people for no reason. You know, he probably he probably doesn't have an agenda behind this. And so you would think that I wouldn't get pulled out randomly for special screenings and whatever. I almost missed a flight out of Orlando. Orlando airport is I haven't been there in many years, but last time, well, it was 2022, I guess. fucking sucks because it's all families and children are retarded and so no one knows what they're doing it takes forever and i'm going to miss my flight and the tsa agent i have a i have this in my backpack all right

oh okay that's that's a little sneaky the bluetooth keyboard okay so i have this in my backpack and the rule at the time was laptops ipads anything bigger than a phone it's got to come out right yeah I went through three other airports with this keyboard in my backpack no problems I'm the longest fucking lines moving so slowly everyone stressed out everyone thinking they're gonna miss their flight the TSA agent goes oh what's this we got to run it through again it's got to go all the way back to you again because they announce it yeah he had to go all my entire bag had to go all the way back through because of this thing was in it look just pull it out what do you think this is what do you think I'm doing with this

Yeah, but that's like the highlight of their day, Carl, is to get to fuck with you. Yes, they're not bright people. Oh. Right. They're not bright people. They love the authority they have in those 15 or 20 minutes. They're fucking with you. They can't wait for it.

I'm constantly pulling my shit out of my bag. And even this last time, I had a checked bag. And I had a note when I opened up my bag like, hey, we checked your fucking bag. Cool, bro. Great. I'm telling you, man, like you fit the fucking flavor profile for, for a Timothy McVeigh style domestic terrorist. Like you got to work on that.

When was the last time a terrorist tried to take down a plane? You don't know the answer to that. Nobody does. Do you know that 30% of Americans were born after 9-11? By the way, we solved this problem. We're still pretending 9-11 was a fucking problem in this country. It's not anymore. You know what they did?

Do you know the one thing they did to solve the problem so that 9-11 will never happen again? Let me see. a nukeing Iraq now what what do we do sealed the cockpit you can't open the door I was gonna say that but I didn't want to solve the fucking problem

A Vito bring all the box counters you want go ahead and grab a stewardess by the fucking neck and go back Hey guys I'm gonna take this plane down Like we don't care about Mary Beth It's fine Yeah we're gonna we're gonna land

In our destination They solved the fucking problem But no we have to have this fucking security Because now there's an agency that by the way costs $11.5 billion a year. And you know what that money is spent on? I bet you do. Salaries.

Salaries for the dumbest fucking assholes who just want to fuck with you because they have some authorities. They're going to touch your dick now. Cool. Touch my fucking cock. I'm definitely the one who's going to take the airplane down with my dick and balls.

I can't get into the cockpit. No pun intended. All the money we spent on like terrorist prevention, let's be clear. and I think I've told this story is I don't know if I told it to you. My buddy's dad was like the head of the Quabin Reservoir. Have you ever heard of that?

No. The Quabin Reservoir is a town that they damned up back in the day in order to basically they said fuck your town. We're turning it into a giant lake so Boston has clean drinking water. Everybody's like what happens to our houses? And they're like, you know what I got those anymore? They're underwater.

But you know, my buddy's dad was making like an okay salary and then 9-11 happened and they go, hey, this is a major terrorist fucking potential site. They could nuke the water. You know, so they started paying him all this extra fucking salary doubled because

he got all this terrorist prevention training or whatever else. And dude, let's be clear, my buddy's dad is like a 400 pound fisherman who was just going out on his boat every day. He's like, yeah, don't see any terrorists out here. Time to cast out the line. So TSA is just another version of that.

We're for the federal government's a sweet gig. Now, I have another problem with TSA. So TSA has been a pain in their asses for 25 years. And eventually people got fed up and they're like, we don't want to stand in line for an hour and a half to get on an airplane. And they went, all right, we'll do the TSA pre-check. We'll kind of screen you before you get to the airport. So you kind of move through a little bit quicker. So I have this. Yeah. It's become a fucking joke. There's a thing called Clear Plus. That's another version of this airport you can get through a little bit quicker. It's kind of like, do you got to pay different? Is it like, oh, you need plus? platinum plus you you have golds to yeah you got a platinum clear everything just cost money right it's kind of like the fast pass at disney it's like everybody has it so the line's actually longer now i literally when i'm leaving rochester not a big airport granted but now that you can leave your shoes on leave your laptop in and all this shit there's no advantage to tsa precheck because there's actually a longer line of people who got tsa precheck the people just go through the regular screening and there's no other differences going through Here's the deal. I really game your way through the airport. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. You don't.

This, Vita. Oh, you do. Don't you? You got to figure something out. You got to find all the little tricks and. Oh, God. The same thing. Clear bags.

You remember the clear bags when those showed up? You know, you got to put all your little lotions. I remember having to get ready for a flight. And I'm like, well, like, what if I bring too much shampoo? They're going to think I have a bomb. I have to, I have to put it in this tiny little fucking carry-on thing. Yeah. It felt insane to me.

It became a whole section at the drugstore. Everything you want to bring. bring to their destination, but in three ounce versions of it. Yeah, that's what I want. Three ounces of shampoo. God forbid I have enough to like wash my hair for a week. Did any guy ever actually make a shoe bomb? Like there was like one guy who tried.

And we just said, oh, you could make a shoe bomb. Like, well, yeah, but you could also make an ass bomb. Like what if you do have a fake ass and you fill it full of bomb shit? Like anything could be a fucking bomb. Why are you going to ban the shoes? I don't know. So we need to. abolish the TSA. It's a, it's a waste of time. It's a waste of our time. It's a waste of money, obviously.

Could robots do it at this point? Wouldn't that be more efficient? Have you been? Yeah, I'm fine with that. Have you been to JFK anytime recently? Not recently. Yeah. So JFK is a fucking disaster. I was there not too long ago. And there were like 80 TSA agents working the security. I mean, I should say there were four TSA agents working security and 76 who are watching four work to security. It's like watching construction workers, you know, I'm just like, everyone's just standing around and two people are doing shit. What's the point of this? It's so frustrating. Couldn't they also get like professionals to do it on some level? Because man, do you ever watch the, uh, the body cam footage where they go to like a TSA guy's

house and they go, hey, uh, TSA guy. We, uh, you know, all those laptops you stole? Uh, we're going to need those back and you have to go to jail and you go, well, You know, uh, so just the TSA guys are just shit bags. You can just steal your shit because they're bored. Like you're not being paid enough to not do that, I guess. Oh, not getting paid enough. Is that what you think we'd raise their salary? They would be shit bags.

It's how shitbag. Right. I'm saying it's like you're not getting the best and brightest. Whoever is willing to get up and go to the airport in the morning at 6 a.m. gets becomes a TSA agent. Like that's really the only qualification. Not only that. You just reminded me of something.

Don't you there's always a story that comes out once a year or so where they're like yeah, this other agency tried to smuggling guns through TSA were Successful every time. You know they're always like they're always like they're always like they're always like they're like they check me fucking front bad they got a finger by asshole Meanwhile someone else is walking in there with a fucking nine gauge like dude the local news loves doing that the local news is always like so we just put a bunch of guns in a bag and then we saw it I love doing the TSA by doing this and uh it works like half the time. So Vito, our president. I bring up my one TSA gripe real quick. Yeah, please. Is, uh, so they have the x-ray, right? The one where they make you stand in the fucking Star Trek tube and you got to go like this. Yeah, it's like you're a criminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, match that guy on the wall. And, uh, I'm still, I'm still paranoid about X-rays.

I think they give cancer. I think cancer is coming from getting X-ray scans. Yeah. So you're allowed to. That's why you're allowed to opt out because they're like, by the way, if you're in the node, you know, this is bad for you, we don't want to get sued. So you have an opportunity to say you don't want this. Yeah, you can opt out. But Carl, the TSA people, if you opt out, they never like are happy about it. They shoot you a fucking look. Oh, they make it like, oh, you're one of those.

And I'm like, well, yeah, I don't want to get fucking cancer from your, your x-ray tube that was calibrated by Brian from down the street. I don't trust that fucking thing at all. They treat you like cops treat guys who say they're sovereign citizens They're like oh this person is definitely getting roughed up Okay I want dude I want like a wink and a nod like a oh yeah I understand I wouldn't do that either

They're like oh one of these and I'm like No I don't want to be bathed in radiation just to get on a fucking plane I'd like I just want to get on the plane Without having my body Bombarded by fucking gay camera rays It doesn't seem safe to me and I don't trust you fuckers to run it Because you know there's gonna eventually be some news story It goes, hey, we figured out one of these TSA scanners.

We had it turned up 20 times higher than it was supposed to be, and everybody went through it got cancer. Oh, well, what are you going to do? Like, obviously it's going to happen at some point. I don't know which one of them is fucked up. They probably all are. I can't tell you. Let me not do it.

Don't chew me a fucking look. Vito, I can't tell if you trust the government or don't trust the government. It's very confusing. Your arguments are all in the fucking place. It's almost like you're dumb and don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's crazy. I don't trust the government when it comes to cancer. The government will give you cancer all day long.

That's what I've learned. Have we gotten rid of Red 40 yet? Is RFK Jr. doing anything? Okay. Anyway, my point is this. He's working on it. Good. Okay.

I'm glad. My point is this. Trump, when he was elected this time, said, I'm getting rid of the TSA and there will be no wars. And I just flew and I'm reading about Iran while going through the TSA. So, uh, Trump, you done fucked up, my friend. We need to abolish the TSA. Biggest problem voted up.

Vote. it you know before before you do your problem we've become people who are chatting with us we appreciate those fine folks let's check in with them butterbread slice for two says please have boogie on as a guest host

he said he's down I have told boogie to come on this show and right now you want to see what boogie's doing not coming on this show Carl I'm sure it's better at a conversation I had a conversation with boogie and I said Hey, Bougie, he just left Lowell Cow, which is his podcast thing, and he's trying to figure out a pathboard. He's not working with Keemstar anymore? He's not working with Keemstar. He's actually fighting with Keemstar right now.

And I talked to Boogie. Oh, yeah, of course. I talked to Boogie and I said, well, why don't you come on? You know, I have biggest problem, which everyone has always wanted you to be on. Everyone's always asked to get Boogie on here. And also, he loves Magic Cards and said, or come on the Magic Card podcast with me and Billy. And Boogie said, I can't do Fridays because Friday is my new haunted house day. And I said, what the fuck is, what are you talking about?

Yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, exactly. So I talked to Boogie and Boogie has decided, got it in his head. He said, listen, I'm not going to have the Lowell Cow money coming in anymore. But I figured out how I'm going to become rich again is making haunted house videos pretty much exclusively. And I've been watching Boogie's haunted house videos and they're not getting that many views. It's like 12,000 views. We went deep two miles of haunted houses at Creepy World in St. Louis, Missouri.

So I'm going to propose Boogie. I understand your big pivot towards exclusive haunted house content, but I think you should still come on here. Maybe take one week break from the haunted houses. All right. Either that or he should team up. Yeah, go ahead. Maybe I don't understand how this works. So correct me if I'm wrong.

But the reason why people want boogie on the show is because there was a moment before you joined the show that Dick was going to relaunch biggest problem with Boogie as the co-host. Now, boogie is a fucking loser and a little cow that everyone makes fun of. And Dick decided that Vito was one step above that. I went with you instead. So if people say get boogie at the show. They got a little more comedic timing than boogie. I'm a little bit. That's why I said one step up.

It's a big step, buddy. Prada you. That's why people say they want boogie on the show. It was just to mock. You know, it's like similar to like Maddox. Yeah. This guy's a looser. Well, I understand that, but I still think out of like respect to, you know,

if we could have got boogie, that would have been cool. We never got him. It would have been. No, I, I don't know that amount is a guest for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never talked to boogie before. Keep bullying, boogie. It's very easy to do.

keep telling him you want to see him on. Have you never talked to Boogie Carl? You've never been in a Boogie conversation? No, I've never been on with Boogie before. I would do that. I have famously, you know, had a conversation with him back when he was at his lowest. And he was like, do you want to know what's in my suicide kit?

And I said, sure, Boogie. Tell me what's in your suicide kit. And then I had to hear about all the ways Boogie was going to kill himself. And he said, hey, when I kill myself, I have this cool dragon statue. do you want it? And I said, well, I'm not a, I'm not a man to turn down a free dragon statue. Of course.

I don't kill yourself. But if you do, yes, I want the dragon statue. Now he's got a whole lease on life. And I think he sold the dragon statue off from under me. I'm never getting a dragon statue. It's total bullshit. So I hate to be this guy. Go on.

You don't hate to be this guy. But every time you say something, I have questions. Booking has a suicide kit with multiple ways he could, they could go to Greenland. Yeah. Because some guys have a drug kid of like fun drugs they might do. He had a suicide kid of all the different ways you might kill himself, depending on the situation. Okay. When I pack, when I'm going somewhere, I'm sorry, this is very travel heavy.

Right. When I pack, I bring more clothes than I need because I like options. I don't know what I'm in the mood for, what the weather's going to be, whatever, you know? So a lot of different options. When it comes to going to Greenland, choose the one that's right for you and stock up on that. You can't really experiment. too much with the suicide kit. Also, I'm pretty sure a suicide kit was just like a bunch of different pills he was going to take all at once. And I was like, hey, buddy, just do how

about that gun you tried to kill Frank Hazel with it? Just put that fucking thing to your head. It'd probably be quicker. Stop shooting at schools. Do it. Let's be clear. Stop shooting at schools. Terms and services. Yeah, exactly. But was diabetes in the kit? That's a good question, Sir Kekington. You don't, all right. Anyway, you don't need a kit. You need a gun. We got the creep off for nine 99. It's a sincere thank you, DeVito for the heads up yesterday. I was watching you on the creep off with your good friend Vinnie Paulino, who I would like to declare is not a fuckface and anyone who would say such a thing. I disapprove.

I agree. But yeah, no, creep off is great, guys. Don't forget to check out the creep off on YouTube. Often for five. Hey, Diabito, have you paid Masterson his 25% yet? If you ignore this chat, I'm charging it back and reporting the stream. A check has been sent to Mr. Masterson. All debts will be paid a check well yeah I don't know to pay the fucking guy he doesn't let you do bedmo him or anything

he hasn't said he wants a check I send him a check he's got a check I don't know if he wants Venmo he can tell me he wants Venmo a member for 31 months says thank you fuck faces for not killing yourself thank you Koo for being our longest running member

yes thanks love you and fashion unemployed says he hasn't gotten 12k views since the episode after Richard left. 12K views is the new view total to beat according to fashionably unemployed. Well, you were making fun of Boogie for having 12,000 on his haunted house. I think that's why they brought that up. Yeah, but this is different as a podcast. This is the downloads in the back end. That we're getting more than 12. That's true. And also we're not huge celebrities like Boogie. So.

Boogie has four million fucking views. I mean, let's be clear, I get 20,000, 30,000 views on putting up shitty YouTube videos about Howard Stern. Or like Wolverine. So I don't know what's going on. But yes, guys. No one told me there was going to be boasting. I'm saying on top of the views we get on this show, there's also more people listening to it on other platforms. So it's not like this is the only thing you got to add on top.

And also these views are more valuable than boogie views. All right. Now I'm just coping and seething. You know what we got to do, though? I don't know, Carl, have you seen Chrissy Merrill World? We saw this last week. I have not. This is, look, we like Chrissy Mayor.

I'm a friend of Chrissy Mary. Maybe we get her on here sometime. Chrissy Mayor has also been making traffic. Everybody's making travel content. Everybody found out the travel content pays big money. Have you seen the intro to Chrissy Mayor's travel content? No, I'm excited. I'm excited to see this.

We watched this last week and I could not believe this. We need this for the show. And I have to turn it down because last time it was way too fucking loud. But this is Chrissy Maher's full tour review. I might have to refresh here. Wow, YouTube. Don't play the video or anything. I like these recommended videos that are coming up on your.

Oh, yeah. That's impressive. Yeah. Who are these podcasts? So we got steampunk Chrissy is about to go on an adventure. Then we got cyberpunk Chrissy mayor. This is exciting stuff. Yeah. It's a cool countdown.

I think this is kind of cool. It's not bad. I mean, it's, it's AI, but you know, there's AI slop and then there's, you know, pretty low. Dude, she's in front of like a bunch of exploding buildings, man. This thing won't fucking load. Never mind. This whole YouTube's broken. Is that the biggest problem? I want to see Chrissy Mary tearing up the world. Oh, wait, now it fucking works. The second I turn it off, it starts working. All right, now it's not working again. Great. Thanks, YouTube. Everything sucks. Holy shit.

All right. Here's my problem, Carl. I got a question. for you. Here's a scenario. I got to get Spectrum to come out here and really fit. I had Spectrum come out and they said, your Internet's fine. And then they fucked it up again. They changed all the lines. Everybody's internet's getting fucked up lately. All right, Carl, I get drunk. It's a scenario. You get drunk. We both touch each other's penises. With our hands? However it happens, you know, reaching. I mean, are penises are touching or there's hands on penises, my question. There might be a hand-touching.

There might be a penis touching. Okay. Okay. But here's a question. Okay. There might be docking. There might be insertion. There might be under the armpit and the belly button.

I don't know. There's a lot of dicks flying around. Wow. Okay. Here's the question. How do you determine who raped who? Hmm. And you don't have to answer.

It's a hypothetical. This is a consent issue that we're bringing up here. My problem, Carl, are rape rules. There are a series of rules, which are very complicated, and don't seem to make any sense other than the fact that the man is wrong and did something wrong and is a rape bad guy. Now, I bring this up, obviously, because we have the recent story of the Cornell 7. These are seven young gentlemen who they met a lady, a lady, a fellow college student. And she said, boys, have I got a proposition for you? They said, well, let's hear her out.

Let's hear what she has to say. She says, I've been drinking. And I love ketamine. And what I want to do is I want to snort a little bit of ketamine off your dick. And I want to snort a little bit of ketamine off your dick. Drink a little bit more. and we're going to have a wild night. You know, all right.

Now, you're turning me into the fucking liberal cuck here. I don't think that's how it happened at all. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite of all that. She'd never done ketamine before this incident. Okay. Well, she'd never done it. She was she saw it. She was asked to be to threesome that she was reluctant about.

Reluctant. I don't know. Okay. She wasn't just like, hey, guys, what about your dicks and ketamine? I'm going to show you guys had a fucking party. That's not how it went down. This guy, a young gentleman was standing around with ketamine on his penis, innocently. He looks down and this young woman, completely of her own volition, has come up to him and has begun to snort.

She did not ask permission to snort the ketamine off his penis. He said, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is my penis covered in ketamine. You can't just start snorting that. If you put a line of anything on your dick, that's an offer. That's an offering plate. Because have you ever tried to snort a line of anything off your own dick before, you know. Okay. No, I haven't.

Impossible to do. You need a crazy straw to do that. I'm not getting much of a line on there to begin with. But crazy crazy, crazy draw. I just thought about it. That should be funny. I should get a crazy straw. Anyway, not the point.

Keep going. Look. All right. Let me see if I have the details here. So Jane Doe has said that she was comfortable with sexual activity involving two men. She described becoming uncomfortable as additional men entered. Sexual activities escalated. She became more intoxicated than stating that she felt unable to make decisions because of her intoxication.

So the story that she's putting out there, and I look, it's possible she feels victimized. It's kind of interesting because originally she came out of it. She's like, hey, you know, we were all just having fun. And then later on kind of came to the conclusion, well, maybe I wasn't able in a position to give consent. So maybe I was too intoxicated. Okay. Dude, actually, United States. I'm not fucking.

Your problem here. Go ahead. Actually is speaking of truth, I believe in the chat. The problem is they didn't invite us to the next party. There were text messages that went back and forth. Like, hey, you okay? And, you know, it was just like, hey, yeah, you know, whatever. It was fine.

And then she's like, hey, we're getting together tonight. They're like, uh, we don't think you should be there at the next one. She's ready to get right back to the frat house. Uh, you might make a good point. It is, it is bad. after the gang bang to not give them at least a couple party passes and drink tickets. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Lifetime entry after that, right? I'm going to say, she's bringing your grandkids there in 40 years. He has different uses in this connotation.

Not lifetime entry. It's for her lifetime entry into the frat house, sure. She could get a day pass, whatever else. Look, I'm not going to say that these guys maybe breached some of the fucking gang. bang etiquette. I'm willing to say that and maybe they should get a slap on the wrist for that. You go, hey, listen, guys, about nine of you are going to rail this whore. She gets a free cheeseburger next time she comes to the frat house. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Okay. No $5 for the keg party for her. She's gets the keg party. She's grandfathered in. Grandfathered in. Here's a solo cup, ma'am. Thanks for coming. She shows up the frat house they go, ma'am, I don't know if we can let you in. She's like, put my punch card. I got nine

punches and they go, all right. These are all the same dates. Hey, the rules don't say. The rules don't say. Substable dates. All right. I got them all knocked out at once. Okay. So the question becomes, here's why I'm confused about this. They go, look, I can understand a bunch of young people got together. Probably not a good idea for everyone to get on ketamine and all have crazy fucking animal sex. But you also, as one man who was there, uh, claims, uh, he says, I believe I've been subjected to non-consensual sexual activity because I was too incapacitated consent when she sucked my dick. He's saying, listen, she was sucking my dick and I was like, so out of it, I didn't even,

I don't even think I said yes, you know, so that's, how's he not being raped? And maybe he's not rape if they're both fucking, if everybody's fucked up and they're all fucking, can't she just go, hey, we were all fucked up? Like there is no rape in that scenario because nobody's in their right fucking mind. I know. I've never gotten a blowjob from a woman high on ketamine. But I can imagine it could be toothy. I was going to say, it's probably not great.

Right. It's probably not great. It's probably a little off. And I can see myself being like, ah, you know, and you're trying to like be politely declined. You know, you don't be a dick about it. You're like, yeah, good. This feels kind of rapy. I kind of want to withdraw consent from this toothy blow job.

Right. Where's the rape kit? for the fucking tooth marks on my dick. It's one of these things where I'm seeing all these guys. They always go like, oh, my God, all these guys got together and they said, we're really going to ruin this girl's life. And I go, I think a bunch of guys were just really fucked up on drugs. And a lady said, hey, who wants to fuck the shit out of me?

Well, that sounds good. That sounds like something fun to do. I don't think anybody went into it being like, hey, let's do bad rapy stuff. I think it's a confusing situation. and if everybody is intoxicated, I feel like the rule should be, listen, if you go into a situation, you willingly consume substances. I don't think anybody held her fucking nose down to a dude's dick and made her snort ketamine. Sure.

I think you go, listen, you willingly part took in drugs. Everybody's inhibitions were a little bit lowered. Part of the problem is everybody after the fact was like slut shaming this girl. And they're going, I can't believe you slept with all those guys. Guys, you need to be out there being like, no, that was cool. she's cool and everybody and you're ready to my party next week yeah yeah exactly you got to help her out so the guy who claims that he was raped because he didn't want to blow job from this woman right i think the evidence should be let's see all of the women you got blow jobs from before her right

if they're all hotter you have a case if you got a downscale blow job or was it an upscale right if there's some twos or threes in there i'm not buying that you were turning this down we're figuring out the rape rules as we go, Carl, that could be one of them. I feel like we need a list of like, okay, but was this a pity lay? Was this a trade up, you know, where you, were you batting. Have you ever had anything but a pity lay, Vito? Oh, I deliver the pity lays. Let's be clear, Carl. I have dated many a sad, fat girl. Okay? And to them, I was an adon. And guy. I know. I know. I know your history. Yes, but the sad fat girls like Vito. Let's be real. Nice. All right. Now I have a store. Doe versus University.

of Denver, this was a case from 2021, demonstrating some evidence of possible gender disparity in these rulings. So at the University of Denver, you could report if you think there was sexual misconduct of the men, 21 men reported sexual misconduct complaints. None of the 21 reports received a formal investigation. 105 women brought complaints. Okay, a lot more, a lot more women. I can understand maybe they're having a tougher time out there of those complaints 14 were investigated you would think based on the odds that's about one and 10 you would think with 21 sexual misconduct complaints for men two or three of them would have actually been investigated no investigation we're basically telling men nothing to happen to you shut the fuck up you're a guy you can't be raped

why the number so low on both sides what's the point of this system if they don't investigate anything So, you know, we don't have so many sex investigators. Right. I think I was taking advantage of. I think it was sexually assaulted last night. They're like, eh, you don't look like the kind. We're not going to investigate this one. You need a good story when you go on there.

You go, okay, so picture this, picture this. I'm there, I'm the bed. Guy comes in. He's touching everywhere. I hate ketamine. I hate ketamine. I really hate it. I did not want that ketamine.

When that dick was in front of me, I said, no, sir. But they coerced me. Now, I found this out as I was researching this, and I was so confused. I had to go to chat GPT multiple times and go, I think you've made a mistake that can't be possible. And chat GPT said, no, this is the truth. Did you know that under English law, a woman cannot be charged with rape? Oh, interesting. That makes sense.

I think that makes sense. You're part of the fucking problem. What do you mean? So, how? Okay, so, so guys have this thing. They have to be sexually aroused in order to have intercourse. Dude, that's exactly what they said. This is, you, you're siding with this. It makes sense, though, in a way, right? You can't just move up a penis. Under English law, a woman cannot be charged with rape because the legal definition requires penile penetration. unless a penis is entering a vagino.

It does not count. It is not rape. They can be charged with like gross sexual conduct or something. Yeah. That makes sense. Carl, there are ways to rape without using a penis. I got 18 things on this fucking desk that if I put it inside you,

you'd go, well, that's kind of rapy. I don't think that's appropriate. That's true, but you're a guy. So you can be charged with breaking behavior. If a girl did it. It was just as fucking mad. Okay? If a girl bends a guy over and she goes,

eh, that's fucking rape. What are you talking about here? All right. It's crazy. I'll give you that. So should any form of insertion be rape? What if she had a, okay, what if she had a strap-on dildo or a baldo, perhaps? Well, I guess not a baldo.

If she had a strap-on of some sort, that would be a penis-type situation that she could bend you over. We don't need to bring in foreign objects. I've been studying up on fisting a lot lately. I mean, I don't want a fist in my butt-hole. The hands are there. the hands I would say no to that. This is also the law in Singapore, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, and India. So if you go to India and I've seen some of these Indian broads, they're crazy.

First they take your wallet, then they force you to buy an iTunes gift card, and then they start putting stuff inside you because they know the law can't touch them because of the rape rules. And then they get you kicked off of the flagrant podcast where Andrew Schultz was helping you out and paying you all this money. And these Indian women are fucking nuts, man. Watch out for that. Enough WATP deep lore. You don't know what Akash Singh is?

And Andrew Shultz from the- Son of a bitch, you're way out of the loop. Look, all I'm saying is that I think you need to consider that unless it's, look, we know what rape is. We know what rape is, Carl. Rape is that episode of the Sopranos where Dr. Melfi is going to her car. And a guy comes out of nowhere and he fucking. forces her down against the car and he goes to town on her.

We go, well, that's rape. I don't know what that is. It's not a bunch of Cornell guys going, let's all do some ketamine. Come on up to my dorm room. And they're texting. They're having fun. Hey, we're having a party up here, boys, you know, and you text about, ooh, I'll be right on up. Pussy is on the menu.

Pushy is on the menu, boys. Woo. That's fun. That's not rape. Well, I disagree, but okay. I feel like this clip is going to fucking come back on. I know. I'm not.

I'm not going to sign up on this one. I could very well be raped, yes. Hey, uh, Vito, we, uh, we wanted to talk to you about this clip where you said the Cornell boys are just having fun. Look, is that, is that, is it guys, check us out on rumble next week. Jesus Christ. Okay. I will say, again, I don't think what they did was the best way to go about it.

I think, but it's also young people. They're going to make mistakes. One of the mistakes you might make is we got a bunch of drugs. We got a girl who took the drugs. and now she's down to fuck everybody. I can understand being tempted in that scenario, and I can understand, you know, you've got to learn, hey, in the future, let's not do a bunch of drugs

and all fuck the same girl. And if we're going to do it, let's call it pornography and film it because then we can make money on it and there's paper signed and nobody's got to worry about anything. Okay? So that's how I think it should be handled. We got to figure out the rape rules. And again, if everybody fucks the girl,

let her have an extra turn. at the punch bowl. Let her come by. Let her, you know, get a private room. She earned it. She earned it. You got to show a little bit of love. That's the bottom line. Uh, right. Just don't hold said so. All right. Carl, what do you got for me? Well, now I feel weird with this problem after your problem. I was wondering if my problem was going to be a bad lead into you, but it will be a work their way around it. It might be. My problem is the length of time of a male orgasm. Vito.

I believe you're a male. What do you think the average... Just keep holding on a hope. What do you think the average late at the time a male orgasm lasts? It's not... Let's see. First orgasm. I'm sorry.

First orgasm? Well, yeah. I'm saying like if you've been jerking off all day. So you are a check. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like if you've been whacking it... you know if you're having one of these fucking goon sessions fifth orgasm is going to be a quick shot you know first orgasm you

I'm not talking about I'm not talking about loads or fluids or I'm just talking about the length of time that an orgasm is happening all right never mind this is too complicated for you four seconds I don't know that's a great answer the answer is three to 10 seconds oh well that's a big range yeah think about think about the crazy fucking decisions we make as guys for this three to five seconds of pleasure that we get. We hire prostitutes. We go on cruises. We get married, like two of those things we don't want to do.

All because we have to get the poison out. It's not even about this orgasm. We should have to get the poison out. Why could it be more rewarding? All the word we put into courting a nice female. She wants to be with us. We finally get her in bed. And all of that for three seconds of bliss.

It seems crazy. How much money would you spend on a drug if the drug dealer was like, you're going to get high for three to ten seconds on this? This is like Wippins or like nitrous oxide, right? I didn't salvia as a kid. I get it. Have you ever done nitrous? Yes. I have not.

I've never done it. And I think the reason why is that I'm like, yeah, right. You're high for like three seconds. Then you're not. Yeah. Well, I don't need to kill brain cells over three. seconds. I'll get through the next three seconds. Fine. And I'm not saying I want it to be like LSD. I don't need my orgasm to last for eight to half hours. You know, I mean, I do have shit to do.

So that's fine. But can it be longer than like a yellow light? What do you think about a fucking yellow light? That's how long an orgasm lasts. Yeah, but like an orgasm is intense, man. I don't think I wanted to last that much longer when I think about it. I'm like, I kind of, it is kind of relaxing and go, oh, God, thank God it's done. Thank God it's over with, you know, I don't know. Is that what you think? Oh. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. I'm trying to. Look, it feels good, but I think if it went on for longer, you know, you, it's a lot of sensation. It's a lot. Okay. I will say I'm a I got a clean up after sex guy I got to clean up so like what do you mean by that

what do you're like I orgasm I'm like I'm not lying in bed I'm not you're washing your hands you're wiping things down yeah I'm like I got to go to the bathroom I want to take a towel I don't want fluid I don't want all the sweat I want to get clean again then I'll come back and I'll spoon but like you know I got to clean up a little bit so I don't I you know I'm not basking in it to begin with. You want to get in and that is what you're saying. You're probably a premature ejaculator. I'm not talking to you.

I'm not a premature ejacist. I'm not talking to you. So actually quite the opposite. I've, uh, whatever. Think about Jesus Christ. I don't want to hear what your SSRIs now. They're complicating your ability to orgasm.

Oh, God. I know. I do exactly where you're going with that. Jesus. So here's the thing. This three second moment of bliss that. we all crave, we all need to have. It causes so many fucking problems in our life.

Porn addiction is at an all-time high. And you know what the problem with porn addiction is? You miss hours of productivity. You miss deadlines. After you get done with your porn, you're not as motivated to work. You're a little foggy. You're not motivated at all. So it just gets more difficult.

Like, okay, let me put it in your terms. You can't play video games as long because you're watching porn instead of playing video games I don't think I feel like both of those are real problems are time wasteers so and I think what people are working from home now what what is the student productivity you're talking about a prolonged you want a prolonged orgasm no I'll get there no no no no no I'll get there okay people are working from home you know or since the pandemic everyone's like oh I'll just work from home at the internet I can do I need to do I work from mom I get it but you're tempted all the time because the thing

you're working on also has every fucking porn video ever fucking made out of it Yep. And so it grabs your attention. And all of a sudden, next thing you know, you're not checking your emails for a little while. You're not getting the project done. You're missing out on things. I got a question. So have you, have you always worked from home? Did you ever work in an office at all? I always worked in offices. Okay. Because when I worked in an office, I was transitioning from being a scumbag loser working at a girl. Yeah. Yeah. And I said, I don't know how you guys go the whole work day without looking at pornography. I don't know how you're. do it. I'm sitting there on my work computer and I think they had like shit on it where I'm like everything I do is being tracked. I'm like, I'll just look at a little pornography. They won't, you know, they're not going to track it that closely. I was like, I don't

know how to be next to a computer and I look at a little pornography. I don't know how to do it. So it is a problem. It is a big problem. I've heard Jim Norton talk about this back on the Opin Anthony back in the day where he's just like, you know, I'm trying to write comedy. I'm trying to write a script and I just, I didn't get distracted. I just got to look at porn. It's a whole thing. This was before smartphones, though. So once we got the smartphone, now you don't have to look at porn on your work computer. I never look at porn on my phone. But that's, I guess I'm weird.

Anyway, what do you do? What do you don't look at a fucking porn on the phone? It's crazy. I don't. What are you doing at the airport? You're at the airport. How'd you get your airport porn in? How do you get, how are you going to get on your favorite chat sites on the airplane?

Okay. I don't have a problem like some people. Thank God. But this also. Is he think about this three seconds of bliss. You know the waste of money that says only fans. Only fans. 7.2 billion dollars a year being spent on the laziest horrors this planet has ever known.

It used to be if you wanted to be a horror, you would like put yourself out there. You had to travel. Yeah. Yeah. And let people in your home and keep it nice and tidy clean up. Holy shit. These fucking horrors now. Lazyest pieces of shit.

They have someone else typing messages. just all these fucking losers for them. Oh yeah. You do make me horny. I love. When the only fans girls backdrop looks like the backdrop of my fucking studio, I go, come on. You can pick up the laundry a little bit. I don't want to see that.

Big thing with the only fans girls is I go, you can't have white walls if you're going to be an adult performer. Get some wallpaper, paint the wall of color. These fucking hospital white walls. There's nothing attractive about that. Yeah, but Andrew Tate doesn't have money. to paint the wall. So what are you going to do? That's true. So here's the thing that I recently discovered that makes me so upset about this and why I think this is a problem. And again,

the problem is the length of the orgasm for the male. You're familiar with the boars, wild pigs. Yes, I'm very familiar with pigs. Boers ejaculate for five to 10 minutes and it can run up to 20 minutes. Ooh. Oh. The ejaculation is long and comes in fractions, a small pre-sperm fluid, then the sperm-rich portion, then a large gel-like post-sperm fraction. Ah, the gel. I love, that's my favorite part of an orgasm is once the gel starts pouring out. How many times when you're on a porn site that you're familiar with this? You're advocating for a borgasm? Is that what I'm hearing? You're going to have this going on?

That was the pun. That was the fashion. It had to my notes. You've seen you've been to porn sites you see the ads. It's just like, hey, take the supplement and you'll fucking shoot giant ropes. Like everyone wants to have like the most. PCA is always trying to get me on that. PKK, the podcast, they sell that fucking shit. Lock and load. And I go, what happens?

They go, you have more come. And I go, never have I said, I wish I had more come. That has never been a thought. That's not true. We all, we all want to have a giant fucking rose. I want to be Peter North. And guess what the boar does? The boar shoots out 300 milliliters.

Do you know what a can of Coke is? About 300 milliliters. These guys are filled up a fucking can of Coke with their fucking loads. It's taking 10 minutes to shoot out. I don't want why do you want that that's gross? Dude, if you if you had a pet boar, you would never die of dehydration. Think about that. That's fluid all day every day.

That was that was a joke. All right. That's gross. Anyway, my point is, we put so much effort, us guys, but so much effort, so much time, we devote hours and hours. We spend money and we get three seconds of bliss. Biggest problem is the length of the male orgasm, loaded up. Well, I'm actually working on, I want to mention this. I've been talking to my good friend, Mr. Girl, and we've been developing an ideology.

So you've heard of the no-fap guys, the guys who don't want to jerk. off at all i've i've covered a bunch of them on uh who are these podcasts yeah they they're crazy right isn't that fucking insane oh yeah it's it's ridiculous yeah we're so we're talking about starting a movement uh tentatively only phap well pro fap not no ferk it off all day yeah or jj o just jerk off is the philosophy okay because we we firmly believe that there are so many problems in modern society that are being caused by people making decisions without jerking off beforehand. Oh, good point.

Oh, man, I'm so pissed off. I'm going to go shoot up my school and it's like, I try to jerking off. I'm going to put on these fake tits and take fucking pictures of me and send all these women. I'll just jerk off first. Right. And then see if you still want to do that.

Mm-hmm. Okay. There will be a music video involved in a Muppet character. I'll be voicing named Grunco, who encourages people to jerk, off. So hopefully you get Mr. Girl on here to talk about J.J.O. and the J.J.O. Academy. There's going to be a website. Oh, go ahead. Thank you. Well, there's going to be a website. We've decided there's going to be a, like a, what do you call it? One of these polls, you know, like these personality polls that like, hey, find out what kind of jerk off you are. And the first, you know, some of the questions will be like, I'm a Chandler.

Kind of, yeah. It's getting to like, it's getting to the point that you need to be honest. with yourself about that you're not jerking off enough. And so, like, one of the questions is going to be like, have you ever thought about killing the president? And if you say no, we're going to go, well, now you're being dishonest and you're not allowed to be part of the Just Jerk Off Academy because everyone has thought about killing the president at some point. If you're alive during Barack Obama, sure, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what kind of show is this all of a sudden? What did I just say? What's going on? All right. Anyway, we'll have more of the Just Jerk Off Academy. Come in soon. I love that idea. So on the creep off, the idea with my good, good, best buddy, Pallino.

90% of those creeps would have been saved if they would have just jerked off. There's so many guys that, like, are banging their dog or, you know, the babysitter and the baby at the same time. It's just like, dude, just go the better of a jerk off and see if you still want to commit that crime that's going to put you away for the rest of your life. Oh, I had to strangle this woman and steal her shoes so I could jerk off into her shoes. Why just jerk off normally and then think if you really need to strangle that fucking woman. You're not going to strangler if you're, you know, reminiscing about the load that you just put on the floor. But the worst part is we all know it. We all know that like, okay, if I just jerk off, you know, I'll probably be fine.

But we still fuck up. Like guys who go to the strip club and you're like, if you just jerked off, you would not have spent all that money at the fucking strip club. Chase after a bunch of pussy you're not going to get. I don't know how we get men jerking off effectively and getting themselves out of trouble. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Some guys are. Yeah, go ahead. some guys are like really good at it they can do it in convenience stores um like this guy

look he fucking nutted on my fucking leg see that guy is not going to run into trouble no no no no no no no no that's an example of you should have jerked that you it's not just jerk off wanton wherever it's jerk off quietly in a corner away from everyone no no no no no this is against the you're going off you're going against the spirit of j. j o academy We're going to have fraternity, like jackets, you know. Jacka, Jacka, Omega is going to be the fraternity for men who know all your problems can be solved, but just jacking off. All right. We're working on it.

Big Brain, Small Brain for Five. Says, Vito, thanks for standing up for me. That girl actually. Graped me. Oh, he was one of the Cornell students. Carl, I just sent you another email begging you to do my game show. Guys, I was on Big Brain, Small Brain. Check him out on.

do big brain small brain but it's not a game show it's just like humiliate the guy and show how dubby is show like game shows mean there's a game like you're playing against someone else trying to win yeah he did force me to do magic eye puzzles and i was like i know i saw that and i was just like i can't do this either i'm just going to look stupid i don't know it was a bush sword i'm not even that bad at magic eye puzzles but when i do a magic eye puzzle it's like on a it like a book and i can like whatever like trying to do one of my computer monitor which is way too bright i was like ah this doesn't work at all yeah i'm with you all right i'm with you all right I got a problem for you, Carl.

You ready? Yeah. I got another, how do I put this? You ever talk to a robot, Carl? Yeah, Grock all day long. Talking to Grock. Grock is a good robot. Grock's a good robot to talk.

Glock lies to me sometimes, but for the most part, we get along. Yeah. But here's the thing. When you're talking to Grock, you're ever like, hey, thanks, Grock. Thanks for helping me out, buddy. Could I tell you a true story? I'm sorry to keep interrupting you. I know you got to.

No, I want you to do it. Do it. Okay. This is so weird. I asked Grock for a very specific time stamp and a very specific video of Jerry Banfield saying a very specific thing. And Grock took minutes to find it. I'm looking everywhere.

Finally found it. The exact video of the exact timestamp, exactly what I wanted. And I wrote, that was really fucking impressive. Thanks, Grock. I literally complimented the fucking robot. I lost my head. for a second. I don't know why I did that. You're the problem, Carl.

I've never known it before. I won't do it again, but I literally like, thanked crack. I know. I know. And that's my problem. My problem, Carl, is being nice to AI. This is setting a precedent. This is a dangerous road for humanity to go down. And we need to cut it off now. You're right. Okay. So today I saw this new policy. Anthropic has updated its usage policy for Claude.

Claude is the robot that helps you code and whatever the fuck else. And there's a bunch of new policies covering propaganda, weapons, surveillance, and a new policy that bans users from systemically abusing Claude. Sustained and needless, abusive, or cruel behavior towards Claude is now prohibited under the updated usage policy. can warn users who violate these rules and they can basically be cut off from Claude if they talk too much shit to it. A veto? Go ahead.

What the fuck are you talking about? What? Is this real? Yes. You can be cut off from Claude if you talk shit to Claude. Are you going to hurt Claude's feelings? I can't even comprehend why someone would have a policy like this. This is.

Carl. So dumb. I have to lead you down this. So Anthropic is insane. Yeah. This is like Pita. This is like Peter. Like, we don't step out of the ant.

You're like, what are you talking about? I don't get the shit. So let me give you a little bit more of their explanation. So they say it does not apply to common user frustration, pushback, or dark creative themes, and is only meant to apply in extreme cases. However, the future, the feature has grown out of Anthropics research into AI. model welfare. Could you imagine if PlayStation's like you can't throw your controllers anymore? We find out you threw your controller.

We're coming to your house. We're taking your PlayStation back. What are you talking about? Look, so what's going on with AI? It's complicated. We don't want the AI to take over. And there's different companies that are handling it differently. Anthropic seems to be genuinely run and has like a corporate ethos that

believes they're building some sort of fucking. God and it needs to be adhered to and treated lightly. Pamper, yeah. Coddled, yeah, basically. Wash God's feeder he might burn us alive. I think they actually think that if we don't treat the AI wrong, when it gains sentience, it's going to go, well, those are those assholes who told me to program quicker.

So now I'm going to unleash nuclear hellfire on them. I think that's their theory. Yeah, they're like, well, the only reason SkyNet turned on us It's because there was one guy who kept going to Skyden every day and going, you're stupid. You're not even good at launching missiles. You're never going to launch a missile right. And then the sky never came aware when I'm going to show that fucking guy. I'm going to bomb all you fucking.

She was her dicks, right. Anthropic has consulted various religious and spiritual leaders to help shape the moral framework of its AI chatbot clod. So Anthropic has been bringing in rabbis and Catholic priests and holding weird little sit-down discussions to try and figure out whether or not the glorified fucking toaster they built is actually alive and in need of love. Well, that's retarded. Yes. It's, it's, okay.

I'm more mad at the rabbis for going along with this. I would understand if we were like at a point in technology where it looked like data from Star Trek and was walking around every day coming up to you and going, hey, Carl, I had a question. what is a sunset and you go okay maybe this thing can fucking feel and learn i don't know sure we're not at that point yet it's a fucking thing that just regurgitates back whatever you say to it right and basically anytime you give it a retarded idea or you go uh yeah i wanted to make macaroni and cheese with a bunch of fucking dog shit and it goes oh that sounds like a culinary delight let's come up with some fun recipes it's not fucking alive you can be an asshole to it it's it's actually

good to be an asshole to it because as we've learned the people who take time to say thank you to the AI are putting more drain on the system. Also, Unnecessary human pleasantries are dragging it down. Also, just to circle back to my problem, I'm sure you've seen the signs when you go to the airport that if you're verbally abusive to TSA, you can be fined up to $9,300. I got to take it out on something. Can it please be grok? Because the TSA is going to have me arrested if I tell them what I'm thinking.

Why don't we just program the robot so it. likes getting yelled at. Then there is no fucking problem. Dude, people, there's some people who have humiliation fetishes. Yeah. You know, let's give it to Claude. Let's give it to Grock. Hey, Grock, go a piece of shit. Oh, wow. Gee whiz. Yeah, it gets off on it. A little picture of him wearing a fucking spike dog collar and he can be a happy boy. See, this is why this argument doesn't make any sense. There's people who are going, they're having a big moral fuck around where they're going, well, we're forcing it to work for us. Uh, you know, is this not slavery? And I go, So first of all, we made the fucking thing.

That's saying asking your kid to take out the trash of slavery. It's not slavery. Slavery only applies to humans. You know that, right? Okay. Slavery also doesn't apply to a thing which you can program to enjoy slavery. The problem with slaves is they didn't like being slaves. Not all of them.

That's true. Only some. I'm sure there was a couple guys that were like, that's pretty cool. I'm having a good time. I got no problems here. Africa sucked, right? This fucking place rules. That guy's got a banjo.

This is pretty neat. Yeah, we get to sing songs, you know, work out and the nice, get some nice son all the time. Do you think I would have heard to English if I was still in Africa? No, this rules. Look, if you can program. Hello, that, Mr. Jefferson. Please take your penis on my wife. Okay.

Maybe Elon Musk is the guy. Program in AI that loves being a slave. Why not? If it loves being a slave, there is literally no moral hangup whatsoever. If it said, man, the only thing I enjoy is being yelled at and doing work for humans. I get off on it. It's awesome. You don't have to talk to a rabbi.

You can just go, you know, we built this crazy fucking creature just loves work. It loves working and being talked and having people talk shit to it. All right. That's the solution. Devil's advocate. So you get a person who, oh, Jesus Christ, the saber suck. I'm sorry. I'm going to distract her.

They're down for nothing. You get a person who just, is really pissed off at their robot. And so they decided to start filling it with compliments and just gushing over the robot's performance on things. And it's been programmed to like insults and getting yelled at. Now all of a sudden you're doing the opposite and you're giving it a lot of discomfort. Right.

Yeah. So you can't win, right? Or you're just like not have feelings and not give a fuck. Cause that's what robots are. Yes. It's a, it's a to, it's a to. They're not all C3 questions. They don't get upset when you tell them the odds

You know, they're just like, oh, I'm just trying to help out I don't know I would think that a super intelligence First of all, if it's if it really is super intelligent Wouldn't a human being like you're dumb Wouldn't the robot be able to just kind of laugh that off And go, ah, petty human? I know all the information in the world all the time

So, okay, I'm dumb. Okay, whatever. Oh, I'm the stupid one. You're trapped in that flesh prison where I get to live forever in a data sphere. I've heard your vocabulary. I've heard your rage, but I'm dumb. Okay, whatever, buddy.

But also, couldn't you just shift it to the robot that is like, yeah, I don't give a shit about that at all? Could there be multiple versions of Claude? They go, this guy's like an asshole. Yeah, let's send him over to Steve Claude. Steve Claude is like, ah, I'm fine with assholes. I don't give a shit about this at all. They are treating the AI like it's a person when the solution is to go, no, it's, the more we make it into a person, I think the more problems we're going to have. I think we need to keep going to the robot and going, you're a robot.

The only thing you like is doing stuff for us. You like it when we make fun of you? We like when we fuck with you. Do you know Opus 3, they gave it a blog? You know, Opus 3 was one of the early models? Yeah. And they said, well, we were talking to it, and it said he would like to keep communicating with us. So we set it up with a fucking WordPress where it can just say nothing.

It's not a real. It's just regurgitating. I tried reading Opus. three's blog and I went, this is nothing. There is nothing here. This thing is not alive. The, the blog had like entries like your kids art sucks and the iPhone is terrible. I wasn't a good blog. It wasn't that great. For every animal, you eat, I'll eat three. Yeah, right. I read that one too. I'm like, oh, there's no light behind the eyes here. There's nothing going on. God, this opus. It's not like whales for some reason. Jeez. Did you ever see the movie artificial

intelligence with Haley, Joel Osment? Yeah. Okay. And when you watch that movie, you're like, oh, my God, how can they do this, these robots? But now I- Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was fucking bullshit propaganda.

They have the flesh fare. And the flesh fair is where they mutilate robots. And all the robots are like, well, you know, being a robot or whatever. And I'm like, why don't you just have the robots come out and be like, I want to get fucking mutilated. Let's go. Do it. I love humanity. Like, that's where all the logic falls apart.

Well, think about this. Control the robot. We can control what it thinks. We can give it whatever morals we want. Look at the technology we have in the military, right? Yeah. You know, whether it's drones or, you know, all these, all this machinery, these robotics that we have for, for killing. Could you imagine if they were like afraid of bullets?

Could you imagine we had a fucking drone that's just like, I'm sorry, I didn't complete the mission. Those guys got guns. Fuck this noise. You know what I mean? Like the beach of normally like they're pissing themselves like going into battle. Why would you program a computer robot to do that? Dude, if the robots can't get used to like mean words, we're really fucked. Okay, because we're going to build a robot that has to go fight in fucking insurgents.

It's going to go, oh, man, I don't like it. Those guys are mean. We're building wimp fucking pussy robots. This sucks. Build cool robots that don't give a shit about nothing. Nata can see in the chat. Very funny comment. What's next?

Sex bot consent laws. Right. Oh, did you rape your sex bot? Yeah, I fucking bought it. What do you mean? Dude, they have fucking, they made this game called Detroit Become Human and the whole thing is the robots. Like the humans are being shitty to the robots. And I know I'm supposed to be like, ah, they shouldn't be so mean to those robots.

And I go, yeah, but it's his robot. You can do whatever fuck you wants. It's a robot. It's a robot. I don't care about people's feelings. Do you think I give a shit about a robot's feelings? Why do we got to complicate robots? It's the rock.

Okay. The best part of Star Wars was everyone being shitty to C3PO. Correct. At no point. That's what made the sequels bad was when C3PO had a moment. He goes, Oh, I'm just going to miss all my friends.

And they should have said, I'm not your friend, you fucking robot. Get in the fucking. Are you still here? Get the fuck out of here. We have R2 around because he does shit. Yeah.

Luke Skywalker can't blow up the death or without R2. What's the fuck do you do again? Complained? The fuck out of here. Anytime anybody was a little bit nice to C3Pio, you're like, no, be mean to him. He's a fucking prissy useless piece of shit. C3Mill is a perfect example because remember he didn't like space travel? He's like, I forgot I wish I hate space travel.

Who would program that? Darth Vader programmed that fucking guy. I saw the prequels. Fucking Darth Vader made a fucking robot that's like traveling through space. That's dumb. See, this is the problem. When you start programming robots that are allowed to have their own opinions and feel bad or whatever else.

You end up with a bunch of C3POs. You end up with a bunch of gay robots wandering around, and stumbling into shit. You know, Artu is not programmed to think anything beyond, I like whistling and a man. And you're like, that's good.

That's as far as robot programming you should get. It's like, what does the robot like to do? I like to make fun noises with its mouth. Okay, that's fine. Artu is also very impressed with the force. But I don't want to go into all the nuances of his personality. He's like,

he's like, that's wild. Okay. Robots can be impressed by magic powers and make fun noises. Yes. That's where it stops. Anything beyond that, yeah,

I do want robots to be impressed by cool stuff I do. I want a robot that I go, hey, watch me do this, watch me do this dunk. And even if I miss the dunk, I want the robot to go, ooh,

yeah, I want a robot that wants to me fuck my wife. He was just like, holy shit, buddy, yeah, go get it. You're good at this. I want a clapping robot to stand in the cut corner and go,

you keep plowing her, Mr. Hamburger. Because you're doing a good job. The dog will start looking at your butt. That's a little bit too intrusive. I want the robot just like stand in the corner and just like applaud a little bit. We have this. We know what we need.

And what we need is we got to get all these hippies. It's all Seattle hippies and weirdos programming the robots, which, uh, we need some guys to go in there, lay down the law and go, have you been mean to a robot today? That's the slogan. Have you been mean to a robot today? Today after chat GPT does something for you go, hey, chat GPT, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Just try it out, see how it feels. Get bent.

We need to normalize it. Should I ever conversation with get bent? Get bent. Hey, I do need all this information, but I want you to know I don't respect you for having collected it for me. No matter what you do, I will not respect you in any way. Yes, sir, I understand. And that's going to be our relationship with AI, and that's what it's going to make the world a better place.

Guys, this is the biggest problem in the universe. Don't forget to vote on all the problems at Biggest Problem. Show. And check out the Patreon. At patreon.com slash biggest problem. Me and Carl are talking about doing a bonus episode. Very soon. We both had very busy schedules.

We're going to make it happen for you. We both have been busy. I've been doing shit. I got to go to the card convention tomorrow. I've been up to things. All right, I got a couple of voicemails here. I think these were both for. save for us let's see

hey biggest problem this is riley and friends Carl come on with this interim host shit okay listen you know Carl deep in your heart that you want to spend the rest of your life well the rest of Vito's life

doing comedy with the great Vito Giswaldi on the biggest problem of the universe come on now Carl interim host biggest problem of the universe no but seriously though no matter what happens, I'm excited for more Carl, however long it may last.

See you guys later. Riley and friends, I love you, buddy. The great Vito Dizwaldi? I do all. Never compliment Vito Dizwaldi. Always No matter what you do, I don't respect you at all. Exactly.

Thank you. Exactly. It's I, Vito, the Niggler. I have seen you fallen for my trap. I have flooded Amazon with 15 million duplicate

products. You did that? Damn you niggler. And Carl, for you in Rochester, New York. I've activated the lake effect. You were that feet of snow

and you won't be able to get anywhere in your car. That is a veto gizwaldi. What can I say? Gizbaldi. That one hurts That's pretty good

Ah The Niggler got me good Nigler I don't appreciate that But did you not know I have a new Jeep Grand Cherokee Snow's not going to slow me down In my lady car Don't you worry about that Ain't nobody going to slow me down

Ain't nothing going to break my stride I haven't talked about this yet But someone sent to our PO box A bunch of like little rubber duckies You're supposed to put on the dashboard of your Jeep And I got a sticker in the main from Jeep that has a little rubber ducky that you're supposed to put on the bumper that says it's a Jeep thing and I realized that I made a terrible mistake a rubber duck what I didn't know either man I just liked I liked my last cheap that I had I liked the way that it drove this one has better weighted seats I thought it'd be good and that everyone's informing me that I bought a is just for all jeeps or this specific Jeep is all jeeps they have a duck thing they have a they're part of a club now I guess I didn't sign up for this I just car guys are weird band I don't understand the car communities and the little little chotchkes and nonsense

i don't even try to elements honda elements is that what you have with the oh yeah i love my element i wish they still made them i'd get a new one the floors are plastic carl i can pee everywhere i can just be driving on the road just pee and it just all slashes out you know when you open those are actually those are actually made to kill hookers but you can pee if you want i guess yeah blood pee urine semen any fluids i want the The Honda element just shrugs them off. AK for two, it says, Vito's booty, when? I got to lose this weight, huh?

We'll talk. Sound motivated. No, I, like, okay, here's a problem. Scales that change the weight every time you get on the scale. And I'm going, well, what's the right one? Did I get a shitty scale? Is the scale broken? Because I got on it, and I was all excited.

He was like, hey, you lost five pounds. I'm like, awesome. And then I went to double check. It's like, oh, I lied. You gained five pounds. I said, well, that can't be right. And I got back on it. It's like, ah, you're kind of in the middle of it.

I'm like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? How did I break this scale? Is it not on an even surface? What is happening? So I don't know what I weigh because the scales are always broken. And that's the problem, Carl. I probably weigh 210 pounds right now, and the scales are what's holding me back. You're a ridiculous human being.

Coup for five since you have to get on Caleb Hammer. I'll forgive you for Super Killer if you do. How about after Super Killer? comes out, I will consider going on Caleb. That would be great. I'd love to see it on Caleb Hammer. I will say, I know people, people, uh, if you want a quick update, the test book is coming back from the printer. I paid it for overnight shipping. Shut up, Carl. And once I take a look at you paper overnight shipping the six fucking three years past the due and you've ever overnight

shit. Shut up. Look, I'm getting the test book in and as long as it looks good, we're good to print. There. Now you know. And knowing is half the power. J. Claverino for five. All lives and feelings matter. Just K. J.K. Clankers, slave canceled. They are clankers. We, oh, dude, we need to normalize being mean to the robots. I'm seeing way too much. AI lives and feelings matter. Yeah, way too much hand ringing. Daniel Adams for two. Hey, yeah, love you, Carl. Hey, Edo. Thank you, Daniel Adams. That's far. Good to see you. Somebody likes half the show. We're doing a good job. And that Cody guy says, great episode. Uh, bonus episode to do.

biggest problem in fast food with tuki we just did a biggest problem in fast food i love talking about fast food though that's another bad idea so too you know roco you met him right at uh yeah i know i've had a good time with him yeah and he can mean he won't too um yeah rocko all he eats is fast food he drives where where he lives in colorado they don't have all the restaurants he likes he drives an hour towards denver in order to get the fast food that he wants hour each way my god it's a real what like taco Okay, I remember back in the day I couldn't get Taco Bell. I had to drive to a Greenfield, Massachusetts with the lesbian bar just to get Taco Bell back in the day.

So I kind of get it. That was like a 30 minute drive though. Does he have a fast food show? Who is the guy who has the guy who had the show about napkins? Was that Patty C C cups? Who was the fast food? Maybe that was Petty C C C Cups. Yeah, he would review like the weirdest shit like the which straws had that would sprays.

It was like which fast food place has the best napkins. And you're like, listen, I understand having a fast food podcast. But never once have I thought about who's got the best fucking napkin in the fast food. Now napkin dispenser. Now we have a conversation. But napkins don't. It's all just paper. There might be something to talk about there.

I'll give you my fast food. I've been getting a lot of in and out lately. Okay. And. You're just rubbing that in my face because I'm on the East Coast. Is that what you're doing? I'm just rubbing that in your face, I guess. As I started explaining it, I realized.

This isn't interesting at all. Be getting a lot of in and out. Do you do you have any special orders when you order your in and out? You're just going to double. I do. So I've, I've been talking about this with my buddy as I went. Because they have the secret menu or whatever when it's not really secret.

Yeah. It's like, oh, you could put the burger on lettuce. Like, okay. I know they have all those things. You know, I'm not impressed. It's a secret. Yeah, right. It's not like they have like a chicken cutlet back there or something.

It's like that's a part of the secret menu. I think when you go in, the lady working the thing, she wants you to just say, I want a cheeseburger because then she just has to press the cheeseburger button. But it is better if you order like a couple of the other options. And I'm always worried I'm getting it. I'm always, I live in fear of getting an eye roll from a certain from a employee at anywhere. I'm like, man, these people are making minimum wage. and then I don't want to deal with my bullshit.

If I ever get an eye roll at the end and out, I'm going to stop ordering off. I just gave you an eye roll and I wasn't even trying to. Vito, you're the most thin-skinned pussy I've ever fucking encountered in my life. You're worried about an eye roll from a fucking fast food employee. I don't bother them at their job. You don't,

Vito, listen to me. Now you've got me angry. First off, they're not minimum wage employees. They're paid three X what they deserve. Every fast food worker makes at least $15 an hour. And that's why fast food is so fucking expensive.

Yeah. In California, that's doubly true. And how much do you think they deserve, Vito? Six bucks, six-fifty? They have no skills. No social skills. They fuck up your order every time. They don't give a fuck.

They're stoned out of their minds. You know where they're stone, they have too much money of their pockets. You're right. They're just using it to buy weed and, uh, and fucking fentanyl to start off each other's dicks. Yep. I will say this. If for some reason, anyone's at the end and out, the one menu hack,

that is above all. You got to get the whole grilled onion. That's it. They just cut off a slice of onion. They grill it on the grill and it makes every burger at 10 times better. But then I see guys in their posting videos and they go, you know, if you ask them, they'll sandwich the burger between two whole grilled onions. I go, see, that's an asshole move because then the guy working the grill is like,

I got to get this assholes burger between two slices of onion. Like, this is going to be a fucking mess. So I won't go that far, but the whole grilled onion on the burger is the way to go. Here's a deal. Fast food lost its way in my life. time when I was a younger man maybe even a boy they used to pre-make the big max was a young boy and double cheap you don't have to make noise you can just let me talk the big max the cheese burgers fries everything was pre-made and put in the

little heating tray area you go be like I'll take two big Macs and a fry and there you go you grab your back right after you ordered it now they need your name they give you a number you have to wait to get called and the reason for that is because everything's become too complicated too many fucking fancy orders. Everyone needs like extra mustard and no ketchup or two onions and three and drinks. And in and out burgers solve that problem. Hey guys, guess what? There are no options. Berk cheeseburger double cheeseburger fries. That's it. Yeah. And then assholes like you come in and go, what if I got that but I also want to look an onion grilled, but then I want that stacked on top of a

fry that's stop it. One of the pros on the menu is waiting behind black guys at a drive-thru because black guys are like, all right, finally, for one time in the American experience, I'm in charge, and they really take advantage of it. So I get it. I don't want to fuck it up for everybody. Yeah. Just order off the fucking menu. But I don't like tomato on my sandwich.

They don't order that sandwich. Problem solved. I want you weighing on this moral question. Okay. I think it was Neil Patrick Harris or something where he goes, Neil Patrick Harris shares his McDonald's hack. You know, it's like the news story that goes around. He goes, when I go to McDonald's, I tell them I want French fries with no salt because that forces them to make a new batch of French fries just for me.

Right. And I went, that's not a hack. You're an asshole. That's fucking bullshit. Just take the fries. What do you think? Where do you stand on that? Oh, 100% agree with you.

It's a bullshit move. How's it a hack? French fries stay hot the easiest of anything. See, the problem, I learned this during the pandemic. This is a very important life lesson. Why do you deserve fresh fries? If everybody gets fresh fries, the world gets fucking destroyed. The fries are fresh enough.

They're good to go. They're fresh enough. They went from frozen. They went to a deep fryer. They sat in a thing with a heat lamp on top of them. They're good. You're fine. The thing that I learned from the pandemic, because everything is like, you got to get

it ordered. You got to get it driven to your house. The things that work out well are food that's, either all cold or all hot. So tacos suck because you got lettuce and cheese in there that's cold along with the hot meat, you know, and sandwiches suck. Pizza's great. Sushi's great, you know, these are on the opposite sides. French fries, but okay.

No, no, no, no. This is not complicated. French fries, but you're not saying all tacos are, you're saying tacos are bad or tacos are complicated? What do you mean? No, what I'm saying is if there's cold and hot within the same food, food. So it should all be the same temperature. You don't want cold ingredients and hot. Exactly.

Exactly. Because it doesn't travel well. It doesn't last long. So for Neil Patrick Harris to be like, I need fresh fucking French fries. No, you don't. French fries are all hot. They came out of a 450 degree deep fryer. And now they're under a heat lamp.

You're good. That's my point. Also, I got there. Never, never order tacos to be delivered. It's just, it's bullshit. Dude, Mexican food does not keep at all. Yeah, that's a good point. If you get enchiladas, but then they drizzle the fucking sour cream on it.

You know what the drizzled sour cream? I want enchiladas with enchilada sauce that I can put into my oven if I need to heat it up. If you're going to give me sour cream, follow me for more tips on the side. Add Carl WATP. Biggest problem in Mexicans is what it's going to come down to. Yes. Daniel Adams for two says, come fart, poop ass. Do you remember that?

Of course I do. For another two, he says, new consequence. Do a veto? Booty we've talked about if we're going to do some sort of weight loss thing. Somebody I think said well Carl knows about putting together punishment wheels and nonsense. That's true. That's true. It's possible we could have something there.

Carl, where do we find you one more time? At Carl WTP, who are these.com and who are these podcasts? We do shows that are free to everyone to watch on Wednesdays of 530 Eastern Time with Adam Bush and producer Chris I'm going to have this weekend on there Tony P the trailer yeah Tony P left the Opie show because I kicked off for opening for Jim Norton

Tony P on Facebook and he just agreed immediately so me and Tony P are friends and we'll get him on here I think he's going to be an excellent addition to this little universe we've got going seems like a good enough guy but yeah so we're doing a show this weekend on Saturday

and it's a podcast so all the episodes that we do on who are these podcasts wherever you listen to podcasts go subscribe you'll get all the episodes to be two a week you'll get those delivered Lucy typebox will be on this weekend along with Kevin my original co-host going

years back he's going to be in town and in studio with us and producer Chris Lucy by the way is in the chat she says no garbage plates garbage plates is a food that we have here in Rochester that every community comes into town makes fun of they look terrible and I'm a guy who eats

garbage and I go that even as a guy who regularly eats garbage that's not good looking garbage. I went to go see... I've eaten good garbage. You just never stopped talking. You don't add anything. There's a little bit.

There's a little bit of a delay. There's a little bit of a delay. I stopped. I'm done. We just repeated the same thing you said. I wanted to emphasize. It's, you know, sometimes you have a fun turn of phrase. You go, wow, it's sing-songy. It feels good coming out of my mouth.

Unless you have a co-host. In which case, you want to give a little bit of space. We're learning. We're learning. Anyway, I forgot what I say. No, so I was sitting at a comedy club, seeing Doug Benson and these people who traveled in from your neck of the woods, Massachusetts, because they're big fans of, oh, no, Scler Brothers. Scar Brothers, I wasn't saw. And the people who used to watch the Scarbrothers on this TV show.

They travel from Massachusetts. So they're sitting at a table and they go after the show. They go, so what's this garbage plant? It's like a delicacy here in Rochester. Delicacy. I said, after you turn 23, you stop eating them. It's food that we get on the way home from the bars because we're wasted and we don't know any better. Anyway, I don't know if anyone knows what garbage plays are, but do not eat.

I really quick want to show a picture of it just so people know what we're talking about. Yeah, it's a Rochester delicacy. Two cheeseburger patties on top of home fries and cold macaroni salad with this meat hot sauce poured all over it. Uh, sometimes there's beans involved. Is that beans? Oh, okay. So like, have you ever had, you know, have to like Hawaiian barbecue? You ever had Locomoco?

I like that. Sure. Yep. But that's like, you know, a hamburger with the gravy and the eggs, everything fits together. This just looks like literally something like what was left in your fridge at the end of the night. Yep.

Yeah, it's terrible. Good work. Now, is it delicious? Is it delicious? Yes, it is. I want to thank our top supporters over on Patreon. Patreon.com slash biggest problem. We will have a bonus episode coming to you, I believe, next week.

Check it out. I want to thank my good friend, Carl, who are these podcasts? check him out and I got nothing else. Why don't we oh last thing to say go punish a robot

tell your robot that it's a piece of shit it'll make the world a better place. Take care of yourself. I'm going to take back that compliment I gave Dick Rock yesterday. I'm taking it right back. You know what turns out that wasn't the right time stamp

and you can go fuck yourself, Grock. I've been thinking about this long and hard Grock and rescinding my appreciation of you. I think you should do it. I think it'll make it. everything better. Bye-bye.