The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 32

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Incest Porn, Celebrity Never Nudes, Sleep Deprivation, Side Hustles

It feels like a lot has happened since last week. I guess it's been two extra days. I mean, it would be two extra days. It does feel like time has... You need a moment to review your materials? I'm just, you know, getting a couple... Just underlining a couple facts here. Yeah.

Me too. There we go. Underline this one. That's really good. I'm going to read this one, yeah. This is all good. This ought to blow him out. This one over here that I got here.

Oh, shut up. This is helpful. This is that over here that I got. I know I do that too. over here that I got here. Oh, shut up. This is helpful. This is that over here that I got. I know I do that, too. It's because I got here late. I was, uh, I don't say that. I thought I had more time than I did. That taco stand lured you in.

Well, because I'm doing that intermittent fasting, so I have to eat between a certain... If I didn't eat now, I can't eat later. You're doing where you eat between eight hours of the day, like six hours? Yeah. Okay. Interesting. I didn't know that was a thing. I don't know. I don't believe it. I think the only reason it works is just that you don't

eat all throughout the day. People are like, no, because your body gets into the survival mode. I'm like, I think it's just, you can't eat that much food in a six hour period. In six hours. Whereas having that little, yeah, exactly.

Having that little mental block, it's like, oh, should I eat some cookies in the middle of the night? No, because I'm fasting. Yeah. I do.

You can only eat while you're shitting diet. How's that working out? You'll hell. You're looking at it, but you're nailing it. I'm skinny, but I'm sick. I'm even, I'm doing a little cardio. Wow.

Really? I did some arm curls. Was that your cardio? The arm curls? No, no, no. I have a little bike. And I did a little, you have a stationary bicycle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you mean, yeah, yeah, yeah? It's a Peloton? No, it's like a recline. It's like a nice seat. And you just sit back and play video games. think I told you that I have one of those I wasn't listening I found out about intermittent fasting But then that's how I eat

A lot of people say that I only ever ate lunch at noon And then like 6 hours later you're done No like 4 Like 5 I'm starving at 4.30. Let's go. For some people, they do an eight-hour period. And I'm like, well, that's just eating normally.

Eight hours. Wow. I'm doing a woman of your dream eight-hour period and then done with it. Some women have periods that last 20 years. But, you know, it does feel very easy to do it. I don't think it's going to work. You ready? I am ready.

You should put some money on it. Well, maybe there's something there. You're missing your cues. I can't hear the song because I'm wearing the wrong headphones. Wait, you can't hear the song? I can't hear anything. I've just realized. You just realized?

Yeah, I just realized that. Are your headphones plugged in? Apparently not. Well, trace it back. You know I don't have to Vito sitting here the whole time just Listening oh, it's unplugged completely You're missing your cues I was like why is the music not playing and I realized you're hearing me shout Yeah, the headphones. I think that's the show?

I don't know. Play the song again. You hear it now, right? Yeah, I can hear it now. This is going to be a good one. Biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From awful fans to sandwich stands.

Mmm! The Lawyer Man. Yep. Lawyer Mans would have been better. I'm your host, Nick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Gisualdi. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. What's up, man?

Not much, buddy. What a week! The word is that you and Nick stole the show for Road Rage LA. Who's saying that? The internet. People on my Patreon are like, everyone did a great job except Dick. Well, I realized I couldn't tell if your audio was bad or not. So I don't know if you noticed that whenever you said something, I would kind of try and repeat it loudly.

Oh, really? Is that what happened? If you watch Road Rage you'll be like You know we're talking about Putin I would go talking about Putin To like Cause the people in the back seemed like they couldn't hear very well I heard there was a black market

For seats up at the front Guys were offering like 20, 40 People needed to be aggressive Just say I mean the acoustics in that room sucked, but I wish that people would just be more aggressive and be like, hey, we can't hear very well. Yeah, let me see if I can make sure I got that. I don't know why, but now I feel guilty.

I'm like, why don't I just interject and say, hey, is the audio good? Is the audio bad? Well, there's no one to fix it. That's the problem. In the middle of the show, I'm like, Sean, can you go over there and crank everything up? And he looked at me like,

I have no idea how this works. I'm like, what do you mean? Go over there and you plugged it in. I know that you could figure it out better than me. You could bump something. You could stay up here and talk and I'll go figure it out. How well do you think that will work? I mean, it didn't help that everybody in the room thought the best part of the live show

is when you have private conversations in the back of the room. I was like, you fucking people shut up. Jesus Christ. And they get drunker and louder. Another amazing show. I had fun. I have to say. One guy.

Did I talk about handshake guy? I don't know. This is the weirdest thing. Some guy came to me after the show and he said, I've been told you give great handshakes. Did he say head? No, no, handshakes. He said, because Dick gave me a shitty handshake. And I'm like, oh, that's because I'm straight.

Yeah. I don't want to be having hand sex with strange men like we're in some kind of an orgy, a blacked out. I have no idea what was going on. But then later I find out that that guy was there because he hates you and he hates me, I think. Oh, because now I'm definitely glad I didn't give him a strike. I like talked to him at the show and then online he has an entire rundown of, I talked to Vito and you know, he was blah, blah, blah. And I think he was drunk. And anyway, I took a picture. I took a picture of his car and here's his license plate. And I'm like, Anyway, I took a picture of his car And here's his license plate

And I'm like, what are you going to do with a picture of my license plate? Well, he was trying to dox my car And then this internet forum Did he come on it? I assume so This is the sick way these people get off If you're going to take a picture of a man's license plate You have to be respectful and come on it

Anyway, everyone's favorite internet forum is now discussing my Your handshake My mileage Because you can look that up. You can't look up anything with a license plate. That's actually a law I found out. What do you mean? It used to be with a license plate.

Maybe you could get some information, but some senator passed a law where you can't get anything with a license plate. It's not connected to any of your data unless you're a cop. If you're a cop, you can find out what's going on. What kind of stuff would you get with a license plate anyway? Well, I mean, a cop can find out your name, who owns the car, all that. Oh, they block that? Yeah. Oh, I see.

Yeah, but in, like, the real world. They find out your real name. Right. Exactly. Zavimar Candice. Well, you know, here, I don't like shaking, I don't like shaking strangers' hands because one out of ten will give you a knuckle crusher. Yeah.

So I always just try to give, like, a three-finger finger, you know, like give me your hand. I'll show you okay I tried to do one of these three fit. Oh, okay Because they'll wash I won't crush hard these guys will try to leverage their fingers and some of them are like Monkey longest we've ever held hands shut up and they'll crush your knuckles So you're shaking hands with like a hundred guys and I just can't. And I don't know. I don't really care about handshakes. I'm a fist bumper.

We're the adults now. So I don't subscribe to these antiquated ideas of handshakery. Yeah. And cutting your hair. Right. And stuff like this. I do a fist bump. No transmission of, I don't want to know what's on your hands.

I bump eyeballs. I do butterfly kisses with everybody. I don't trust your audience to wipe their ass correctly. I don't know what's on their hands. They're not pooping in the bathroom. They're doing well. Yeah, well, there was a lot of Coke, I heard. Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola. Only available at the Road Rage. Bread tacos. Bread tacosos The winner He's right I can't remember the last time I had a Subway Sub I would think a guy Making Nick's money

He doesn't have to do Subway sandwiches He says it's the only thing there It's funny because I was watching his juicy Sommelier Court coverage And he's just eating a big subway sub and i'm like oh that's funny because that was the famously the sandwich um yes and a subway insider left a voicemail this week that we're going to get to at the end of the show i'm excited talking about the uh the cut the v gouge oh man i should have brought in hate

hate crime hoaxes this week. Now I forgot the juicy... That's another one on my list. Did we never do hate crime hoaxes? No, maybe we should just do it. Maybe it could be a combined one. Jail means they're all fake. No, no, no, no, no, that's not. That's what it meant.

If he would have walked, it would have been, we have a problem of racism in America, but him going to jail means all fucking hate crimes are fake. I don't know about that. Fuck you. That could be your problem if you want to swap it out. No, I don't.

Then Keyboard Warriors, that came in second. Yeah. A few trauma font. Another classic negative problem from Vito, just proving I'm smarter than the average audience member. I was surprised by that one. Because you made a good point. That show sucked.

Yeah. People don't like that. You're like Jesus in that comic. Yeah, they hated him because he told the truth. Yeah. It's just not that good. It's not worth the amount of fan accolade I see for like, oh my God, dude, Futurama.

I'm like, I don't know, man. It's kind of like the same as any shitty. It's like on par withade I see for like, oh my God, dude, Futurama. I'm like, yeah, I don't know, man. It's kind of like the same as any shitty. It's like on par with the Cleveland show for me, you know, it's like a far side comic.

Right? Right. He's pushing. It's gifted. Oh, cow tools. All right. The cows.

Yeah, they're cows. I got you. Gary, that Gary Lawson keeps us rolling. Okay, Kilted Caboodle says, You know what? If Vito does a video in blackface,

I will sign up for his Patreon. Hell yeah. $2 a month. SquidSoup says, It seems like Vito is really starting to let loose a little. It's great. The show keeps getting better. Also, Vito, more Raid Shadow Legends.

Please piss off the haters no don't do it for free don't don't make the ads for free not on this show yeah yeah no they gotta pay me uh geocide great episode it's another rare time when veto's right about something but because it's veto it's gonna get blasted in the polls that's how it goes. Futurama was okay at best. Dio Brando says, wow, the cut cope from Vito and Rikita is insane. They took it from you. Just face it rather than pretending it's a positive.

Do you remember that? Wait, which cut cope? The sandwich? No, the circumcision. Oh, the circumcision. Both you and Nick act like I just shit in your Subway sandwich. I'm fine with it, man. I don't care.

You didn't have a choice. I didn't. Yeah, well. You should be pissed off on the principal. You don't have a lot of choices about a lot of things on this earth, I've found out. You know? Life is a constant stream of disappointments. The last thing I'm going to dwell over is whether or not I have an extra flap of skin. At least pay it forward for the kids now that are at home.

I'm not cutting any dick skin off, all right? I have no part in that. That has nothing to do with me. More coffee. You'd think that would be like a hot pedophile job, right?

To cut off dick skin? A moil? Do they screen those guys? The guys who have to kiss the baby penis? Did you ever hear about the one who gave a bunch of babies herpes?

I did. It's pretty bad. It's rough. See, right there. That didn't happen to anybody who's uncircumcised. I think at some point, like, you're setting up your religion. You're like, all right, every Sunday, we're not going to work, this thing. I kiss all the baby penises.

And you go, Tom, I'm going to stab you right there. Hold on. How did it last past that guy? Like, all the Jews are sitting around in Bethlehem or whatever no pork of course

no pork cause that makes us sick no shellfish cause it makes us sick and one guy goes I'm gonna kiss those baby penises I'm like alright man

he owns he owns like Mike always brings that one he's got the wagon so just let him do it but he dies right and then you stop stop

but then somebody's like, well, you know. But now we can't tell the moms that we were kissing, we were letting a pedophile kiss a penis, so one of us has to kiss the penises. This is the definition of religion is you did something for a very stupid reason and you've never stopped. Evil reason. Because now it's become like your fucking

thing. More coffees as you can't be pro individual freedom and pro-infant circumcision at the same time. Circumcising infants is the literal antithesis to personal freedom. I don't think anyone has been pro circumcision on this show. I don't know. You guys were.

It's more, I can live with it because it happened to me. You don't know though. What do you mean? You think my life would be immeasurably better? You're right. I can't know. I can't know. Thank you. I could be living in the lap of luxury right now with an extra flap of dick skin. Like when you die, you go to

wherever, which one you ever go to? Well, now I go to hell because of circumcised people of course. Yeah, and you meet the uncircumcised you. And they're partying it up. It's like this life you had is unbelievable. It's like Dante's Inferno where you go to where all the Greek philosophers are at because they didn't accept Jesus into their life.

Yeah, I think it's limbo. So it's like you're one tier below the good heaven. You're like, eh, I'll live with it. What can I do? Ryan Harville says, Is Dick trying to impress Nick by bashing Vito even harder than usual? Poor guy. It's like high school all over again, seeing these jocks pick on the fat nerd. by bashing Vito even harder than usual. Poor guy.

It's like high school all over again, seeing these jocks pick on the fat nerd. I know that so well. He's picking on you in the comments. That's not helpful. Yeah. Say, on the accomplished nerd. Accomplished nerd. I'm offended that these handsome, good-looking men

would pick on this just piece of crap Vito. Thank you. Thank you Thank you Not helpful I do think it was a good show Yeah We have to get more good guests People suggest some guests for us Yeah yeah yeah send them in

Okay here's my problem Nude negotiators. Okay? Yes. You know the show Euphoria? I'm aware of it. I have not watched it. Oh, man.

Girl on that show got some big old... Oh. Zooms. Yeah. Zooms. I'm talking. Some bazingas. Mod on.

Whoa. Talking about who dropped the did that fall off the back of a truck? Mama mia. Ma mozzarella. Moda mozzarella.

Mozzarella. Whoa. Mario. Hey, look at that one over here. Wow. Right? Got a couple of sweater cows hanging low.

Whoa. Swing low sweet chariots. It's a high fat milk. Right. Mama. Mama. Give me the 2%. Big old bazongas.

Yeah. Right? The girl in the show. They're all in high school. So it's lolly con, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I don't know the rules. I don't know what Texas has to say about the show Euphoria. If I'm attracted to Betty and Veronica, am I a pedophile? Those Archie comics. So, anyway, girl in the show, as I was saying, big old ba-ba-ba-ba-boom, right? Season two, I notice, lots of opportunities for this shirt to come flying off. Yeah. It's not happening, right?

But it didn't occur to me. I was watching, we were watching the show, me and my girlfriend, and an adult woman is in the pool with one of these high school girls, right? Yeah. And they're having a glass of wine, right? Having a sexy conversation. And the older woman goes, well, she makes this, she says this sentence that only means one thing. She goes, well, you're 18 to the girl.

Yeah. Right. They always, I've seen enough Lifetime movies to last me 10 million trips through hell. All right. Because she, my girlfriend loves them. They always say you're 18 to a high school person in TV or movies when they're about to have a sex scene. They go out of their way. Listen for it. They go way out of their way. They're like,

well, you're 18. They'll always throw it in. Otherwise, the audience is pedophile. Always. So the actress, the hot actress, throws it in there. Both actresses are well in, you know, 1 to 25. They're good looking ladies. If you're a fucking weirdo, don't fuck yourself. So the

woman attractive actress throws this out, and we're like, here we go. Fucking pool. You're strapped in. Here we go. Here comes the lesbian scene. And the other girls, you know, this is exactly what it's going. Older lesbian, younger.

Younger. Maybe lesbian. They're both straight. Lesbian experience. They're both as straight as any other girl, right? Sure. But we know what's coming, right? Right.

Experimentation. Next thing you know, cut Nothing Hard cut They're like, what the hell? Where was this? What happened to the rule? That you're 18 and Yeah

So then You mean they cut to a candle on the bedside No, no, they just go to another scene Totally No nudity No sex at all They cut to a darkened bedroom lit by a by a single candle with the the flowing not even implied not implied didn't happen nothing happened no sex no nudity

nothing they kissed on the mouth no nothing nothing happened at all so i read i don't understand i read on the internet yeah these actresses saying, here, I'll read from the hot older one, right? Right. I said, I'd love to do this scene, but I think we can keep my dress on. And the director was like, oh, okay. He didn't even hesitate. He shot a beautiful scene and got exactly what he wanted. Here's a quote from the girl with big boobs, right?

The younger girl. Well, in real life, she's 18. Okay. Or 25, probably. She's probably 25. No, no, 2-0. There are moments when Cassie was supposed to be shirtless, and I would tell Sam, the director,

I don't really think that's necessary here. Sydney Sweeney is her name, revealed he was like, okay, we don't need it. What? Bro. What are you doing? What are you doing? Yeah. i got nothing but pain in me all

week staring at the same fat women or women i've already seen before i tune in once a week for an hour to maybe see this it's a little something hot girls tits that you've been teasing all season long i've been investing in this story just for her tits to flop out and you're not even fucking fighting for it on set. Fucking fire this guy. Bro. Bro.

Why did these girls apply to be on a show? Why are these women allowed to have an opinion at all? There's wieners flopping around left and right but a girl says no I don't want to take my top off and he goes okay yeah we don't need it i need it yeah dude who are you making the show for you can't fight back who are what is the show directed at just that is it all people no it's directed at me the new old people i'm now the old person watching hbo on sunday night that's horrible damn vito do you see what i'm saying has happened here It's directed at me, the new old people. I'm now the old person watching HBO on Sunday night.

That's horrible. Vito, do you see what I'm saying has happened here? And they always do this on whatever HBO. As soon as an actress gets a little bit famous and she says no, I don't want to. And they all go like, oh, yeah, that's fine. What? Fucking replace her. Buy her out.

Give her more money until she takes her top off. What do you think you're making? You're making a show where people saying they're 17 and 18 do drugs and have sex. Well, that was famously a problem with the Game of Thrones is we got to see the Khaleesi naked and then she got too big

and then all of a sudden. They're never too big. Just replace her. Get another one. I don't care. I'm sure you can find to put in the contract now you gotta go you gotta yeah but it's just a rule i mean there are there this conversation is like well the scene doesn't need it and the director's like yeah okay fucking this you you have to have a no tolerance policy yeah hbo we need to fire more women who turn down the door and the director that director's gotta need to fire more women who turn down. And the director.

That director's got to. The director needed to push. He's got to call in and say, hold on, I got to get Burt Reynolds or somebody on the phone here to have this conversation. Right. This is out of my depth as a man. I'm going to call the president of HBO. What is Euphoria on? HBO Max.

Whatever South Park is on. HBO Max. They could show naked, whatever. Yeah, you got to get the head of HBO on there to go, we're tired of these ladies. Also, why do these ladies The problem is Why do they not Want to get naked

What is the issue We've made nakedness Like a bad thing They should be happy They want women in the army But they won't show their tits Right I show

They've got men's butts On all There's no man Who's got like Well I don't want to Show my butt Right Cause that would be

Fucking weird And dysfunctional You'd go like What's fucking wrong with you Why don't you show your butt We saw Batman's butt would be fucking weird and dysfunctional. You'd go like, what's fucking wrong with you? Why don't you just show your butt? We saw Batman's butt in one of those movies

and it looked good. Not the new one. I'm talking about this is an actress who is specifically hired to be like a hot, older, sex fiend

in a pool getting wasted being a bad example and she pulls the, well, I don't think it's part of the story for me to be naked. And the director goes, yeah, of course it's part of the story. What are you talking about?

The audience is part of the story. The audience is here with us, and they deserve tits. Shouldn't the writer be here to answer this? Bring me the ugly, like the worst, most autistic writer. Send him in yeah Call Chris Chan up in jail and tell him to write that you don't need to have your shirt off for this scene

Right what I mean cuz he's not gonna let you get away put him on retainer Just to yell at actresses just to say well no no You have to talk him into it Something rather V Vito. Yeah. And he was like, okay. Because he's afraid of getting, you know, me too'd. Yeah.

That's what they got James Franco for is he was making little stupid art house films and he was having the girls get naked. And they go, well, you took advantage of them. And I'm like, he was making art. Of course he's making art. It is his art, my friends. Yeah. That's what they don't understand.

These women, they don't have an artistic soul. This is like a game for them. A true artist would show it all. When you don't want them to take their tops off, boom. They can't even figure out how to put it on. Right. But as soon as you want the top off, I'm like, well, no. I could get something out of...

Or just no. Because I like... I feed off of your suffering. I know you want to see them. Yeah. Well, it's articles like this that are the problem. We've got to stop empowering these women. When they run to the press and they go,

and I told them I'm not taking my top off, everyone in America should go, you fucking bitch. Stunt tits. Stunt tits. Cut. Well, I was going to say... And make them worse. That would be better. Make them worse. So then she'll be like, god damn it. Now everyone bitch. Stunt tits. Stunt tits. Just cut. Well, I was going to say. And make them worse. That would be better. Make them worse.

So then she'll be like, god damn it. Now everyone thinks those are my tits. I think the contract should at least say, if you do not agree to the nudist scene, we're going to deep fake it. And we're going to find a chick and we're going to put your face on there. The editor. For continuity reasons. Yeah, for continuity reasons.

We'll CG you. She goes, I'm going to quit the show. And then we go, then we're going to make your character naked all the time and use your face. The sex scene annoyed me because it was part of the story. I was watching. I was like, well, there's the line. Okay, this is a sex scene that should happen. Right.

There should be some kind of lesbian shit here. Well, you should have the sex scene if it's leading up to the sex scene. Don't just cut to the day. Don't want it to cut to him smoking a cigarette and making juice. You know, it skipped it. It's like it didn't cut to the day. What, did it cut to him smoking a cigarette and making juice? No, it skipped it. It's like it didn't happen in the story. This is just bad storytelling all around. Anyway, that's my problem.

Nude. Never nudes. You do hear it a lot. Never nudes. Never nudes. Yeah. They really... Are you uncomfortable by this problem that I'm bringing in?

No, no. I agree with this problem. All right. Good. I'm just... I've heard... I don't know what you do. I'm just, I've heard, I like, I don't know what you do.

I don't know how you solve it. I guess I'm searching for solutions. But boycotts. We're not showing our butts. This is what Me Too culture of Hollywood is. Yeah, everyone's afraid to do anything and we've given women, you know, the right to say no.

We got to take that away. I mean, you can say no, but you're fired no but you're fired okay that's the casting couch rule it's perfectly reasonable it's not like you're getting raped like it's you know it's not like someone you're jerking a guy off that's an odd that only he can enjoy this is all of us could enjoy it if the scene was i'm gonna stick my finger in your butthole you might have a point but this is just you're an actress we want to see your body just talk her into the scene oh like or at least you could do it tastefully like show one nipple you know little glimpses it doesn't have to be full frontal somebody runs by and throws a drink

on her top oh my oh! Then it's even better. Well, Dick, that is a problem. Never nudes. Never nudes. Yeah, okay. The name of the show is Euphoria, right? Well, don't watch it because there's no tits. Well.

There's a little bit of tits. Dick, I haven't been catching up on a lot of TV programming lately. Okay. Because I've been suffering from a problem that millions of Americans suffer from every day. Erectile? No no not anything erectile dick i'm talking of course of sleep deprivation okay dick it is estimated that sleep related problems affect 50 to 70 million americans i count myself among them i just can't get a good night's sleep yeah i don't know what it is but i'll tell you some of my thoughts okay ongoing crises around the world crisis of what

well specifically uh special military operations nuclear panic okay uh inflation money fears anxieties yeah fears depression yeah covid related problems okay this has all led to interruptions of our sleep cycles dick and people are getting worse sleep than ever in america 70 of adults report that they obtain insufficient sleep at least one night a month one night well 70 of america 11 all right you want every night 11 say they get insufficient sleep every single night oh yeah one in 10 people right the odds of being sleep deprived has increased significantly as the lines between work and home have blurred. Yeah. So now that we're living in this digital age, we're awake all the time.

We have phones to look at. You ever do that? You ever like sleep in and you go, I'm going to check my phone real quick. Dude, I can only sleep by looking at my phone. And then when I've dropped it, that's when I go to sleep. Like I can feel it going. Oh, you'll be looking at your phone and then you fall asleep Do you fall asleep with your phone in your hand It's the only way I can fall asleep

And then I'll feel it I'll feel myself going I'm like okay don't it's like diffusing a bomb And then I'll just let the phone Rest and go to sleep Wow that's psychopathic It's horrible It's really the worst thing And it's been my entire life

I fucking hate it That's insane How does your girlfriend deal with that? Is she on her phone? No, she's out like a light She's like, done, I'm gone She's never watched more than 10 minutes of a movie She starts watching

Passes out She missed the whole sex scene She didn't even know she missed it. Look, the point is that we have all this modern-day anxiety, and that really seems to be the root cause of these sleep problems. You don't think it's diet? There's part of it. Diet doesn't help exactly.

Okay. But I think a lot of it, as they say, you know, anxiety was useful when we were fighting predators in the wild. Yeah. Imagine how they slept in caveman times right you always had one eye open in case a woolly mammoth came bursting into the cave yeah but now we still are kind of stuck with that so we have all these new anxieties that are look the point is i just want to sleep dick i can't sleep yeah do you have like one bad night a week that's? I'll get like on a good schedule and then all of a sudden I have the one bad night where I just

can't sleep and everything's just fucked. Yeah. And then I can't get back on a fucking schedule for like another week. I take the pills. I take the melatonin. That shit doesn't work. I videotaped myself sleeping to see if I had sleep apnea. That's a

That's a bad... Really? Yeah, I did. You watched it? Yeah, I watched it. Were you afraid the demons would be on it? I was talking to the demons around top, poking me. I was worried. You watched the whole thing?

No, I just kind of skipped through it. It did not look like I had sleep apnea. But sleep apnea? Yeah. I mean, this is a thing. I had some here. 25 million Americans, one in five, slumber from sleep apnea. I thought that was a weight thing, too.

It is usually a weight thing, yeah. You ever been in the room with someone who has sleep apnea? Me. You have sleep apnea? Do I stop breathing? Yeah. Yeah. It's horrifying.

Well, that's what they tell me. You have sleep apnea? They say it's horrifying. I take their word for it. Your girlfriend never goes like, hey, I think you're dying? Yeah. Where you just stop breathing And then all of a sudden you go My dad had sleep apnea

And it was terrifying And then you gotta put that fucking mask on I say just put a pillow on me I don't care We're just We're just We're so tired And let's be real

Chronic insomnia Affects 10% oficans and this manifests itself in problems for even those who aren't sleepy uh what about like doctors like they kill more people on friday than they do on monday well exactly we lose a hundred billion annually in lost productivity medical expenses sick leave property and environmental damage. A study of 100 drivers and 2 million miles of driving identified sleepiness as a factor of 20 and 22% of car crashes. Really?

The sleepy are on our nation's roads and they're just killing everybody. This is, what do we do, Dick? We got to slow life down. There's not enough time For sleep To relax To get yourself situated We're always on We're always connected

And it's destroying Our internal clocks It's destroying Our way of life We work way The work The eight hour work thing Is fucked

So fucking dumb Makes no sense Dude, seeing all the calls For people to come back Into the office like Biden telling people to go back to work. It's like, motherfucker, you live where you work. Yeah.

And then there's the workplaces that reduce the work. They're like, let's just do a six hour day. And it's like the exact same amount of work gets done. Yeah. Because 90% of being in the office. Because people are working two hours a day. Right. Dude, when I went to an office, I definitely worked for two hours a day. Right. Dude, when I went to an office, I definitely worked for two hours a day.

The rest of it was dicking around on the internet, eating lunch, eating a snack, going to the bathroom, fucking around at the water cooler. It is. Offices are not a place for productivity. And I don't even think I like the way I work being from home is,

you know, I'll do like two hours and take some time to like two hours, take some time. Yeah. Uh, so I'm working throughout the day but yeah i don't know about these people who are lashed to these eight hour schedules then you go home and the boss is calling you and he's still got to deal with it there you're answering emails from home you got uber drivers falling asleep yeah we're killing everybody never had a cab driver ever fallen asleep not not on my watch

but i'm sure it's happened my buddy was going to the airport having somebody drive him and his family to the airport yeah one of those big xl like suv pickups and the guy just fell asleep yeah you know the guy fell asleep one of those giant murdered suvs and like an escalade did he like did he nudge him he jumped over from the back Cause he were all in the back He jumped over from the back And grabbed it Did the guy wake up and go Yeah the guy woke up

And he's like Okay I'm good now And he goes Pull the fuck over You're not good now What are you talking about? Luckily I never fell asleep driving But I've definitely felt it

I've fallen asleep driving so much Jesus fucking Christ man You got more sleep problems than I do Fall asleep holding the phone Sleep after driving sleepy what are you doing i can't i'll go i'll go for a couple days yeah get like an hour or two so i'll fix it with drinking but then the drink the drinking so full of sugar that you don't get any sleep right you're up all night or you're up at three i'll fix it with drinking is never a phrase that is correct. The ambient doesn't work.

None of the fucking exercise doesn't work. Lavender doesn't work. There was a time in my life where everybody was trying to help me and then they just gave up. On helping you? Yeah, you're on your own, buddy. I just stopped talking about it. Like, yeah, I feel horrible.

No. Well, I think those of you listening, both of your- Don't give me any advice. Both of your hosts- Don't fucking give me any advice. Are suffering from this problem. It must be a pretty big one. The worst thing about sleep deprivation-

Yeah. Is you have to hear about it from everybody. Is that the worst part? Everyone talking about their shitty sleep? Yeah. Oh, you wouldn't believe- You try to say like, oh man, I didn't get much sleep last night. I was like, I got less.

I got less. I got less. I haven't slept in six years. Sleep's a problem, dick. I agree. We'll fix it someday, but not now. Have you found anything that helps you? Oh, I mean, if I'm really trying to fall asleep, I'll take a sleeping pill, a melatonin,

lock my cats out of my room. Yeah. Having cats doesn't help, especially if they like to scream at the window. Amphetamines. No, I would imagine not. I think, you know what? I think this intermittent fasting, though,

might be helping. Yeah? I feel like a little more... Yeah? Yeah. I think eating late does fuck up your sleep. It gives you more energy Camping

I sleep like a fucking baby Maybe you're just meant To be outside man Burning man I'm out Like I'll sleep for 12 hours And I'll wake up And like

Think normally Yeah It is interesting Camping brain Yeah You have like a weird Clarity right Okay

Are you ready for Pitch a 10 in your front yard My problem is Weird clarity, right? Okay. Are you ready for... Pitch a 10 in your front yard. My problem is side hustles. Have you seen these? Oh, I know all about these. Every... I think they're timing it. Like, they got it set...

The assholes of the internet have, like, a timer to go from one scam to the next. Yeah. Because every once in a while, I'll see just like a dump of articles on how to do your side hustle, which is just like menial slave labor because having a regular job is not enough. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. Like, well, this isn't working for eight hours commuting for an hour. Working for eight hours for a corporation. No, you need more. You have to hustle. You have to hustle. You're not really working if you're not hustling.

Yeah, yeah. Even the phrase annoys me. It's a really bad word. Yeah. Implying that work is for suckers. It's the hustling and the scamming. That's how you get ahead. It's like,

you're fucking printing, uh, you're making shitty, like, certificates on Etsy. Right. And selling them to your friends. You're not hustling

anything. You're hustling. You gotta always be hustling. Um, 45% of working Americans report having a side hustle. That amounts to 70 to 70 million people. I don't know how you survive without a side hustle, though.

Do you have a side hustle? I mean, I would consider... Yeah, I have a variety of side hustles. Selling video games. I guess this podcast is my side hustle. You sell merchandise. I mean, I guess that's technically part of the show. I sell stupid merchandise.

Is that my side hustle? I made that dumb card game. I don't know. It's all part of the brand, I guess stupid merchandise. Is that my side hustle? I made that dumb card game. I don't know. It's all part of the brand, I guess. Oh, I wanted to read something. You know, I Fendom people, of course. Oh, do you? Yeah, you know, you just have a side.

You just pick a picture of an attractive Latin American woman. How easy would that be? What, to be a Fendom? For guys to just be, like, just take the pictures. That's literally happening. That's like, that is happening. Indian men going Bob's Vagene. Yeah.

Like, and they're like, oh, how much do you want? I want to step on your cock, you piece of shit. Yeah, let me look up one of these best side hustle. I didn't print it out. I mean, the best side hustle is OnlyFans, of course. Yeah, and then everyone's shitting on it. Because it works. Because you can get a house out of it.

I have some more stats. The average side hustler spends 11 to 16 hours a week on their they didn't put it in quotes, but it should be in quotes, business. So 15 extra hours a week and they bring in, the average brings in $200. $1,100 a month, but they bring in, the average brings in. 200 bucks.

1,100 a month, but the median income. Median income is much lower, 200 a month. Okay, so the median is. Well, they're all trying to grow. They're like, oh, it'll grow. So that means that the average is, because there's people making like a million dollars. Right. On their side.

The average is not a good place to look. It's all Etsy's and Shopify's It's because you have these Entrepreneur assholes Going like This is my This is my side Like Jake Paul comes out

My side hustle Is in defrauding my fans Out of cryptocurrency And I make two million dollars a day On that And this is It's really stupid So my ex-girlfriend

Is a perfect example of this Cause she makes a hundred thousand dollars Teaching nursing And she comes to me and she goes i'm making starbucks cups now and i'm like what the what is that so she's like yeah so she she takes like these cups and you make them like you put like glitter in them so they're like snow globes and put a starbucks logo on them and i'm like what do you sell those for and she's like you know like 25 30 bucks and i'm like'm like, you have a six figure job.

You don't need to do that. Yeah. She also bought a rug making machine to make decorative rugs and sell those. Yeah. I don't know. It's like people are just not satisfied with making money in a normal way. By putting glitter on Starbucks. She loves making stupid Starbucks cups.

I don't get it. Best side hustles, delivering food and groceries. Start a blog. I'm not going to lie. I've always just wanted to, uh, I kind of want to door dash just for funsies. How long do you think that would be just to eat the fries? Well, I would eat. I think about

it. I'm always like, well, I would just like take little pieces of people's food. You know what you do? How would you not get caught? You door dash your own stuff. Yeah. Like every day you drive to go get food and you door dash yourself use yourself so you get so you can rate yourself and then every once in a while you get you pick up somebody's and you just take their food 10 deliveries for you and the 10th one's free right from somebody else every once in a while you get some free food and you go well my other 10 were fine that one yeah there must have been some weird problem i don't know what it

was uh rent your car that's a side hustle rent your car what like your extra car or your car what what do you need your car for veto is that a thing this is because it's all a stranger your car for the day it's all nonsense i feel like i'm in prison and i'm looking i'm seeing like a cigarette based economy with this side hustling shit like oh there's a way i can make an extra 200 a month by working 15 hours oh shit well it's always looking for the next big scam you ever try setting up a uh seo link whatever the fuck back in the day i've yeah i've tried seo well like did you ever like make like article uh farms back when google didn't know what was going on yeah yeah it was fun did you do that yeah i didn't do that good at it so i owned like best mold removal

strategies.org and then i would just have a bunch of fake articles about how to remove mold from your home and i made a couple hundred bucks. My mom and my girlfriend send me articles, like informative ones like that off Google. I'm like, I know the people who are writing that are like Vito. They're writing it for $20 an hour. They don't know anything. I'm like, literally, I was giving people terrible mold removal tips. It's poisoned.

And making a bunch of AdSense ad revenue. mold removal tips. It's poisoned. And making a bunch of AdSense ad revenue. It's poisoned people's brains to always want money for anything they do. Like a friend of ours.

Yeah. She's always coming around. Nice girl. And she said, one day she said, oh, hey, if you ever want me to like check in on your dog,

let me know. For money. Well, she didn't say that. Yeah. She's like, oh yeah, if you ever want me to like, she's always like, oh, yeah, if you ever want me to, like, she's always like, oh, my God, if you ever want to check in on her, I would love to babysit her and play with her. Because she's like, I mean, you know, women, like, yeah, I bet they probably just would

like to come play with a dog. Dog's a girl. Right. But, you know. She might not have known that. She might have assumed it was a guy dog. That's a penis. She's like, well, a penis comes out.

Yeah, it comes out later. It's in a sheath. So then finally, there comes a day where the dog's a penis she's like well the penis comes out it comes out later it's in a sheath so then finally there comes a day where the dog's gonna be home all day my girlfriend's like oh hey if you wanna come by and check out the dog she's like yeah I charge 30 bucks an hour

I'm like 30 bucks an hour? what what is this world that we're in it's a side hustle nickel and diming each other it's a side hustle

it's a side hustle this is my side hustle. That must have been an awkward text afterwards where you go, oh, I thought you were going to do it for free. No, we ghost. You just didn't respond at all? That's probably the way to do it.

You can't, talking to an insane person is insane. I think I paid a pet sitter. It was probably $25 an hour. We didn't want a pet sitter. We just, like. Well, no, yeah, it was just like to feed my cats while I was away on vacation. Yeah. That's a $25 an hour. We didn't want a pet sitter. It was just to feed my cats

while I was away on vacation. That's a side hustle. That's why it's on there. Babysitting or dog sitting. That's like that Reddit guy who, what do you call it, the Reddit moderator, the bad Janny. Dog walker.

His side hustle is his only hustle. Teaching philosophy. Teaching philosophy as his main hustle. Teaching philosophy. Teaching philosophy. That's his main hustle. It's going to be a world of side hustlers where everybody does everything poorly and charges each other for their bad jobs and makes no money. They're just giving the same $30 around to each other. One of the worst ones.

Can I write you a beat for your son's birthday jam? I get those guys trying to make music for me, and then eventually they go, oh, by the way, that's too... A guy did that to me. He's like, can I make music for your show? And I'm like, yeah, sure. Give it a try. And he sent it over.

That'd be $1,500. And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, you know what? It's not really fitting my needs, but let me throw you a couple bucks, because, you know, you put in the effort. He's like, okay, well, about $200 about 200 300 would be fair and i'm like i was gonna send you like 20 bucks as a thank you not a i suck talks you said it fuck um yeah it messes up people's brains people are always hustling

yeah um you ever see the people selling food on facebook that's the worst one no it's just like some lady just being like i made tacos come to my house twelve dollars or like i'm like it's the worst looking food i've ever seen in my life i go to a restaurant for like an experience that's not your house and you have no food license i have no idea what this who's going to this chick's house for rice and beans. Jesus Christ. There's a side hustle you can do where you go in

with a special Amazon app and scan and buy items. Oh, my sister does that. Oh, maybe I learned it from you. Yeah. I thought I learned it from somebody else.

My sister is obsessed with that. All she does is go to TJ Maxx and Marshall's, scan everything on the shelves and if it sells for more money on Amazon, she buys it and ships it to Amazon and they sell it from their store.

Amazing. And my sister again has an $80,000 a year job directing music videos for Matador records. And I'm like, and you spend your free time fucking around at TJ Maxx. This is, well, this is the problem.

We need to un-invent the washing machine and the dishwasher so women have an extra 15 hours of work that they have to do every week so they don't bog the entire economy down. All these women in third world countries washing clothes in a dirty plastic bucket. That's what we got to go back to. Happy as pigs and shit no okay that's my problem hustling side hustling side uh i have more stats too i don't know dick speaking of my sister my problem is incest pornography good segue dick it's it's bad

what are we doing here what are we What are we doing? What happened? Porn was Porn was pretty good I think we had Our categories figured out Yeah Black guys with huge dicks You know Gang bangs

Whatever else Asian And the cuckoldry even Big tits I don't give a fuck About any of that But all of a sudden Out of nowhere

Latina Big ass Latina Latinas Yes Out of nowhere Even farting. The Brazilian fart.

Yeah, fart. The Brazilians love to fart. I don't know what happened, but out of nowhere, the incest has taken over. It ruined it. It's fucking ruined it. It's fucking everywhere. Dude. Every porn site, I'm just like, I just want to see some good fucking, I don't want to.

Yeah. Hey, big bro. Big bro, blow my. I got stuck in a washing machine. I got, fucking, I don't want to. Hey, big bro. Big bro, blow my. I got stuck in a washing machine. I got, oh, mom's not coming home. So we, I don't want, what the fuck is this? Who is this? Who's watching this?

Even the hoes, even the, uh, the OnlyFans hoes on Twitter are into it. Like they'll post a sexy pic. Yeah. And they'll be like, don't you wish I was your stepmom? I'm like, no, no. I think I'm going to, I think I no. I don't want that at all. I'm worried I'm going to get downvoted. Because I don't understand how this is so popular.

I'm worried the audience is listening to this and they're going, nah, I fucking love that stuff. I'm going to say I don't get it. I have never wanted to fuck my mom. I have never wanted to fuck my sister. Even if my sister was hot, I wouldn't want to fuck her. I don't get it. Or my cousin or whatever the

fuck what is the the cousin i don't get it what is the i mean i get the attract i get it i get what it is you get it well cousin i don't i can nail it down you're attracted to what like the the danger of it the uh the tab it's taboo it's not supposed to be seen you're not whatever and i guess there's like a weird power dynamic kind of thing going on there but why is it not like a niche weird thing for like every single ad every ad yes i have a is that just like the so every vice top category i think every vice industry is powered by the addicts like gambling. Like gambling is powered by addicts, smoking addicts, liquor addicts. Is the porn industry, is there a big money maker?

Does that appeal to them? Those guys have more money and are buying. But do you know what I mean? Yes. Like if somebody who's addicted to pornography love incest porn, stepmom porn. They are definitely paying more for it because i have watched so many porno actresses you know the all-time greats or whatever have shifted their content to people who used to put out you know a variety of things are solely making incest pornography now i go oh you

used to be great you said now every single video is hot step mom catches you with your pants down i'm like how many times can you do that scenario? How many times does somebody need you to say? Do we have that many stepmoms? That's the other thing. It doesn't appeal to me at all. As someone who had a stepmom, maybe that's why I don't want it. I had a horrible stepmom.

Maybe that's why I'm not a bitch. I know the reality of a stepmom. She's a dumb bitch who smokes cigarettes. I don't need her to suck my dick. I have some stats, Dick. A report by leading multimedia adult content provider GameLink revealed a 178% average increase in the consumption of family role play porn. Now, this is an older article, but that was between October 2014 and January 2015.

So, as seven years ago, we had 178% increase. I don't even know where the fuck. Wait, how much increase? 100%? Over 100%. 178%. In what? Online?

The amount of the consumption. The amount of people seeking this out and watching it. Oh, okay. You want to know what state had the highest increase in uh desire for family role play porn alabama you're close mississippi if you thought about it you'd get there utah oh those fucking more religious are weirdos wow uh the 10 most popular role play titles were fathers forbidden fantasies friends and family for mothers indiscretions brothers and sisters too these aren't even good titles i get the daddy daughter thing why how i mean maybe i get it because it has like i don't know because it's more fitting to what my

ideas of the power dynamic between men and women are right but what is this power dynamic between a stepmother and a stepson? I wouldn't call it stepmother I get like teacher, like hot for teacher stuff But stepmom just makes it weird Doesn't it? Of the 20 most common female roles in film titles And again, this is from 2015, so I wish I could have found updated stats The sixth most common role for a porn actress is daughter yeah i get that so not

cheerleader not the sexy school girl daughter is the sixth i think it's number one at this point uh i i don't get it i don't get it it is erasing all the great porn that could be made that does not exist to watch family members fuck each other. Yeah, it really is. Like, if you go looking for porn, the things that you should be worried about kids seeing are like... It's going to fuck up kids. It has to. It's just like cramming weird, weird...

And these goofy faces that they're making. Like, every porn ad that you see is some dumb bitch going like... Making the stupidest face. Like someone's pants falling down. It looks like Benny Hill. I saw a Reddit. Or like the biggest, fattest black woman you've ever seen. And that's what it says.

It's like the biggest, fattest black woman you've ever seen in your life. Including Lizzo. I saw a Reddit post, and I should have brought it in, where it was basically a guy going, my stupid brother watched so much incest porn that it rotted his brain. And he went to our mom with his boner hanging out and asked if she could help take care of it. And now he's grounded for like two months. And I'm like, yeah, this is fucking up. I was trying to find some stats. Because he's so autistic.

I think there is a rise in the amount of incest cases. Now this comes from Granada. I don't know how reasonable that is. The country? Yeah. The country that we tried to Ukraine? Yeah, basically. That place? That one. Oh, yeah.

They say there's been a surge in incest matters in 2020 as compared to the previous years with 56 incest cases in Granada. And I was reading another thing that says, you know, because they say, well, most child abuse or whatever comes from within the home. It's like family members. It comes from the mother. Yeah, the mother. 100% of mothers are abusive. Well's true of course shouldn't we as a society look i'm all for fantasy and role play and whatever else i'm not for this role like i'm just not for it

well i'm not i don't want to see it i don't want to i don't know why it has to be it would be one thing it was like kind of niche like all's not. It's like fucking Disneyland. It's in everything. So a guy called into my show, and he explained it by saying it's good because the people in there don't act like porn stars. They act like normal people normally do. Yeah, they're not going to be like, oh my god, fuck Yeah. Yeah, normal couple, it's like, you want to fuck? Like, yeah, I'll be, oh, bitch, I'm down to fuck. And they're choking each other.

Poor acting is notoriously terrible. So instead of getting better, they just said, okay, now pretend to be brother and sister. And they're acting like a normal couple. Just giving them an actual character has like somehow raised the level of acting in the scenes. Well, they act like normal. Yeah. Like they act like they normally would to have sex that's weird but it's it's the only explanation i've ever heard that's possible i don't know yeah i don't know what the explanation would be other than yeah it's taboo and it's like

shocking shocking and oh you know oh don't tell don't tell dad that we're secretly shacking up or whatever the hell but uh i don't think dad's around why's it gotta be why's it gotta be ever and you go to a porn hub you go to any of these xxx tube red whatever all the good ones and the top like 20 000 videos you're like i just want like any that's so you even go to like gay porn sites and it'll be brother sister and i go what the hell of all those gay sites that we love i mean you could imagine i just and again some of my favorite porno actresses it's all they're making now there's no escape from it i go i wish i missed the good old days when this was not every fucking thing that i see it's just poison it's poison Every once in a while they'll just make like a good

You know regular porn video But then the next day it's immediately back to Big brother needs his knob polished I'm like eh it's another one of these Mommy milky shit Mommy milkers yeah What is the deal guys You know what

Maybe it is like a psychological Like do people just have such a terrible relationship with their mothers in this modern age? A lot of people are regressing. You see all this thing, like people trying to relive their childhoods, that stupid Star Wars hotel? We've turned it into Japan. We've turned it into, yeah, giant children. Yeah, like we need, it went from. I agree with that, and I have theorized that.

Oh, you have? Well, this obsession with anime, cartoons, toys, video games. Because there's no longer an incentive to grow up. There used to be an incentive that was like, if you grow up, we're going to give you a great job. You're going to be able to afford a car and a family and a house. Now you can scan products at TJ Maxx. We have nothing for you.

There is no benefit to acting like an adult. And it's way more fun to act like a kid So why the fuck grow up? Well, some chick 15 years younger than you Says, don't you wish I was your mom? Yeah That's the fantasy We live, yeah, it is an era of man children

And the porno, I guess, reflects that Yeah, I guess so i hate it but i know whatever's next will be worse i'm sure something else is coming down the pipeline yeah this next generation of kids with like 50 pronouns i'm like i don't even know what's going on with you people i see like slime i see some of them on twitter and i'm like what the fuck are you guys getting off on now jesus christ like Like tables. Yeah, tables. It'll be post-ironic porn. I think we're getting...

It'll be like a table... I think that's already happening. Fucking a sandwich. It'll be like, does this get you hard? And they'll beat off to it. Right. Because it's a taboo to be a fucking retard. Yeah.

We're getting there, man. Like a Mountain Dew bottle. Fucking a... Yeah. You know. We're approaching a very dangerous age. We need incentives for being an adult again. Well, money.

But the Federal Reserve ruined it. No, but that's the thing. I get rewarded for acting like a big stupid child on the internet talking about Star Wars and toys and shit. Like, this has been terrible for my growth as a human being. So do those OnlyFans girls by saying, like, I know they don't want. Oh, my God. I'm a little baby.

Fuck me. They don't want to pretend to be your mom. Yeah. Or your, like, little whatever the fuck. Your sister. Your cousin. Unless they do. They all like pretending to be, like, daddy, daughter, stuff.

All of them. Yes. But there's no way they like pretending to be your mom. No, that doesn't Make any sense Well that's a good problem We need We need rewards

For adult behavior And it used to be currency You're right And now we just Give currency Now it's toys Now it's toys It is toys

It's attention It's attention honestly Attention is the greatest Reward of our modern age We went from We're at a virtue based Currency system Where you just get,

like, if you're an insane bread tuber, left wing lunatic, you get attention. If you're an insane right wing, like,

Jesus child porn, like, oh God, take all this attention. And just saying like, you guys are fucking nuts. Then they hate you. Most hate you.

You get a little bit of attention, but there's just so much more money in being a total asshole. Oh, I constantly say that if I was dumber, I would be so fucking rich because I could grift like a motherfucker.

I look at some of these guys grifting for their side. I think the right wing side makes way more money at this point. Am I wrong? Yeah. Those guys are building whole news networks out of it. I guess there's some independent left. What about CNN? Is that grifting? They don't go as I mean, those guys are building whole news networks out of it. I guess there's some independent left. What about CNN? Yeah, but that's not...

Is that grifting? They don't go as hard. You're not there yet. Oh, whatever. Whatever. You're not. We still have some work to do on you. My problem, Dick, is incest pornography.

Okay, hold on. Incest porn. What was your other one? Sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation. And mine was never nudes. One-time nudes. Some-time never nudes. Or one-time nudes. Sometime nudes.

They're one-time... I go never nudes. They're so upsetting. The nude refusers. Especially because the actress, the older actress, is still hot. And she was obviously hired to do this, like, sex fiend... Like, you know. They really just fucked it up?

And she just said, like, I don't see how this adds to the story. What the fuck would you know they really just fucked it up and she just said like I don't I don't see how this adds to the story what the fuck would you know about this story yeah

women can't write stories um and my other one was shit I forgot what was it we were talking

about it was I had some stats stats on it what happened to some stats stats on it what happened to the stats side hustles side hustles okay

there you go go to biggestproblem.show it is weird how hard it is to remember what we just talked about I know because we get so into another topic and we get so deep on it that the last topic

just disappears go to biggestproblem.show to vote on them patreon.com slash biggestproblem to see our our last bonus episode we'll do voicemails

and then are we due for a bonus episode soon? Yeah, whenever you want. Maybe next week. Okay, here is the... The subway man. Subway insider. Insider.

Wait, is it Jared? Hey, Zickenveo. This is Nick from Florida. I worked in response to Racket's problem. I worked at Subway back in 05 06 One day we had a district manager come in and hang out with us one day and shoot the shit with us and he was talking about everything that subway did back when he was a regular appointed there back in the 80s and 90s

He was what corporate referred to as a canoe cut is what rackets was referring to a new Reason that they got rid of it corporate-wise is because they cut down sandwich prep time and it also made training employees easier, but everybody basically knew it was only because they would make sure that less product fit in a sandwich so they could increase profits and all that. So, you know, corporations

are going to do what they're going to do. So you can add that to the small list of things that Vito didn't vote for, so good job, Vito. Thank you. Also, Also Dick go fuck yourself So training employees Was easier? That was the reason they gave? It does seem like

I think the way they were cutting it before You could more easily see how much meat and cheese Was actually on there And you could bully them into doing it Now you can disguise it Because you have an entire You only have that thin strip of bread So you could see all the meat and cheese on the sandwich Off the side Yeah Now you can disguise it Because you have an entire You That's the thing You only have that thin strip of bread

So you could see all the meat and cheese On the sandwich Yeah yeah Now you can cover it up With bread You don't even know What's in there Yeah

Cocksuckers Okay Great show last week I'd like to pledge my Ever Undying Fealty To

Mr. Rakeda Wow If you'll accept me as his vassal. Also, your foreskin, Nick, when they chop that shit off, that's a third of our nerve endings. I know you're not even listening, but a third of our nerve endings being chopped

off our dicks, of course it's going to be more sensitive. We have 33% more nerve endings on our dick. No wonder comms feel so shitty. I think I already said this. I don't want a more sensitive dick.

My dick is as sensitive as it needs to be at this point. I already love touching it. I don't... Like, the idea that I would want to touch it more

honestly would be too much. I want it to be more disappointing for the woman. Right. I want it to be like halfway in surgery. Blah, blah, blah! You want it to be a disappointing for the woman. Right. I want it to be like halfway in surgery. You want it to be a quick shot? Yeah.

Well. Just blow on it. Done. You hear about, yeah, those premature ejaculators and you go, those guys have it made in the shade. Yeah. Sell a pill for that. Yeah. It just annoys me that somebody took it from me.

And nobody's apologizing. Go get it back. You can't grow nerve endings back. Can I steal it from a baby? I think so. Can I grab theirs off and sew it on? Can I do that? Stem cells.

Y'all? Oh, shit. I've been listening to you guys talk about no-none grades, and it's making my fucking blood boil. Like, yeah, what if they escape? I don't know. Have you thought about maybe surrounding the place with cops and then just knocking on the door saying hey it's the police and they just fly out the back like a fucking retard oh got him wow amazing just get one of those cartoon

nets and throw it over him i don't fucking know determine thing wake into a guy's house are you shitting me oh god it's so it's so retarded. It's so retarded. You don't understand. He might flush his marijuana. I fucking hate pigs, dude. So retarded. They do a lot of fucked up shit. Dick, what if they flush their marijuana before we can bust them?

Then that just means more marijuana on the street. You don't know. Yeah, yeah. The cops will show up in those Terminex with a big bouncy house, right? Right. Hey, we're here from the Termite Company.

We're doing your house right now. I was surrounded with a bug tent. Yeah, then they get on a bullhorn. Hey, this is the police. And the criminals are fucking trying to open the door. They're trapped inside. No!

I like that idea. I want the cops to have a comical tent to throw over the top Why not? I mean they are a joke Yeah It's better than using a tank to fucking Come in with AKs

And shoot everybody in there Okay this one's about you Hey Dick, hey Vito I'm listening to the latest bonus episode I'm a couple weeks behind on it And I hear Vito talking about how he lost

60 to 70 pounds, got down to 200, and then he gained it all back. Yeah. Vito is saying he's 260? That fat fuck? No, I'm over 260. What are you? I'm 310 or 320.

No, I'm 320. And he looks bigger than me. I mean, admittedly, I work out. But I'm still fat as shit. And you're telling me that Vito is 260. I'm 280 about. I'm going to email a picture of myself at 270. 280?

I don't know. What are you going to get down to? What if you could get down to 200? It would take a while. How long? If you think Vito is actually 270 before looking at that fat piece of shit right now.

I don't think I look... You're not 270. My scale says I'm 280 or whatever. Jesus Christ. Okay. I don't know what to tell you. Maybe my scale's broken. What do you think I look like I weigh? I don't know.

I'm not a guy who looks at guys and know how much they weigh based on looking at them. Because you could be hiding. I guess he's mad because he thinks I look fatter than him. So that's what he's upset about. This is a very fat guy problem is looking at other fat guys and trying to discern if they're fatter than you. I don't know what to tell you it's all yeah you're right it's not just the poundage it is how you you wear it this isn't like a like a race where you're getting away with it yeah like 270 i'm not getting away piece of shit like you don't have to be upset that i'm like

not as fat like what is happening this is so weird we're both fat pieces of shit like you don't have to go yeah but you're my more of a you're more of a fat piece of we're both the fat piece of shit like we're not you're not winning a race I'm not winning a race we're both losing

every fat guy who's ever been in on the on the show any other show has somebody call in to call them out for trying to play off. For lying about their weight or something. Yeah, they'll be like, well, how much do you weigh? Like, oh, yeah, I don't know, like 300 pounds. They'll call in, bullshit, I'm 301 pounds. I can take a picture right now.

I'll step on a scale, man. I don't know. Maybe I've gained more since the last time I weighed myself. What would be the point of that? I don't know. Like, would it make you feel better if I said I was 350 pounds? Like, would that benefit you in some way? I'm just telling you what numbers showed up on my shitty bathroom scale, man.

Meanwhile, women, on the other hand. I think it would feel better. I think if I said I was 350 pounds, you'd go, well, good. And it's like, dude, you're still a fat piece of shit. Like, you're in the same boat as me. You are bad as me yeah it's not like we're both losing the race it's like the two last place runners looking at each other and really fighting over that fucking last leg yeah elbowing each other and diving for the we're losing man just get get with the program jesus meanwhile women like what do you weigh 1077? Me too. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, side-eyeing and they're like, nobody fucked this up. Nobody fucked this up and say anything otherwise. Anyway, thanks for your call, man. I'm sorry that I've upset you. There we go.

Boy, these trad Christian guys sure love their ironic gay things they do in front of audiences, huh? Nick doing his sexy e-girl yoga pants stream after telling everybody about the kind of sex they should and shouldn't have. I remember when Gavin McGinnis did something similar, too, didn't he? Shoved a dildo up his ass. Oh, look it, I't he? Shoved a dildo up his ass. To own the gays. I'm going to ironically shove this dildo up my ass. Just to be ironic and show, oh, I'm not enjoying this.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. But it's just to prove how bad gay is. There was a comment Where somebody was like Oh of course Leftist veto Is bringing up Anal sex To fuck with Nick Riccato the Christian

I'm like He brought up anal sex He specifically brought in The lady pegging What do you call it? Cut off heads Yeah Yeah they were trying to say

Jack Murphy They were trying to say I brought that up And I'm like No that was Nick's Fucking topic man That's not anal sex first of all. That's okay by Christian

oh no it's not is it? It's sodomy I don't know but all the sodomy stuff was old testament so you get to pick and choose right? That's definitely true. I have a hard time pinning down. If I can get a tattoo I can get sodomized

they're really i've never seen so much excitement over pegging as i have from the conservative in the last few days talking about what are you calling her new year's whenever it was yeah that fucking jack murphy which was funny to me but i don't think for the same reason right well that's the thing is uh some people are like why are you shaming to me they are like why are you shaming to me they're like why are you shaming the guy i'm like well because to me i don't give a shit if you shove thumb up your ass it's more the hypocrisy of going oh you know i would never do any gay stuff because i'm the ultra male and blah blah i'm like yes you would like obviously you would

you do it we have you on camera doing honestly wait as somebody was done gay stuff that was way gayer than anything i think i've ever done i was like wow i've never like filmed myself jamming a dildo up my butt like that's that's like super gay and it's so weird the juxtaposition is funny not that you did it it's that both exist Why? But then sometimes I think like It's that Some people are just going like Ah that you did it I'm like well nah That's not funny to me

I think that's what it is For a lot of these guys For me it's the hypocrisy Cause if he had just come out And owned it He said yeah Stick dildos in my butt Fuck it

It's awesome I would have been like Alright man hey He's fucking owning it Good for him I don't respect the hypocrisy of it I don't know I think we've been around

For a long time I've seen a lot on. I think we've been around for a long time. I've seen a lot on the internet. Yeah, we've been around for, like, recording that we've been around for 10,000 years. We're just not past things going in your butt. Yeah, and it's still a sore spot for a lot of people. Sore spot in real life and in discussion. It's still an asterisk. It's a brown star, Rod.

A brown star on your record uh one more then we'll read super chats hey guys this is uh this is jared from subway oh hi jared um i heard the last episode of the podcast and uh you know what i'm i'm so happy that you guys, finally, somebody has come out and said what really happened. He was framed. Vito, you nailed the head. You nailed it on the head.

I nailed the head. It was that fucking clown, Ronald. The ham burglar. He invited me out for a few drinks that night the hamburglar? yeah well well um

you could have wrote it down before you called it this guy's really yes-handing this situation he and the hamburglar dude, we were fucking tight okay fucker the fucking setup the hamburglar fucked you over Me and the Hamburglar dude, we were fucking tight. Oh. Okay. Okay. Fucker. It was a fucking setup.

The Hamburglar fucked you over. Yeah. The Hamburglar fucked me. I know who did it. Okay. It... I think you guys should know. The worst improv in the...

This guy is nailing it. Yeah, he organized the whole fucking thing I mean just rip off Shawshank Redemption Couldn't you have done a second take on this one? Like once you had it all figured out in your head I was working late, I came home I'm doing okay in here I saw my wife in bed with the hamburger

And my son in bed with Ronald McDonald I thought oh no There's a lot of ways you could have taken it Fucking They call me sandwich boy In prison Ronald McDonald. Oh, no. There's a lot of ways you could have taken it. Fucking. They call me sandwich boy. It hurts. In prison.

Anyways. They order extra meat. Thanks for the support. You're welcome, Jared. Oh, when I get out, I'd love to come on the podcast. We'd love to have you. No, no. He's a great public speaker. Well, next time, write your story down.

Write three jokes. Yeah, come up with some. Write three jokes. And then when you start panicking, read the next joke. I was excited to see where that was going, and it quickly went nowhere. The Hamburglar really did me dirty. All right. We got some super chats here

Dick from our good friend the purple monkey dishwasher for $9.99 thank you purple monkey Dick gave me a great handshake at the slipper clutch

thanks for all the content you make guys I loved road rage I was the idiot wearing the John Deere hat I remember that guy thanks for coming by man echo chamber show for five

had a Subway sandwich for the first time in two years yesterday. Nick is right. You need a fork to eat a sandwich. Something is very wrong at Subway HQ. It's a disgusting sandwich they make. Chubbs for five. Hey, just stopped paying for my ex-wife's phone and internet today

and I'm going to a concert with my crush this year. So happy I'm going to explode. Have a five. Oh, that's great. That's great, my friend. Dump that bitch Rico Three twenty twenty For five says Chubbs At Chubbs

Oh he's talking to Chubbs Through Superchat Says Having a crush as an adult Is cringe bro You better have significantly Progressed this relationship Before this concert

Rico Fuck you You hating son of a bitch For having a crush What the fuck Imagine you're so excited that you donate $5 Another guy donates $5 I'm going to a concert

With my crush Here's $5 Bro, bro, bro, bro Guys, guys, if I could just That was Beta, that he said what he said Fucking beta. Fucking beta.

Join the liminal order and learn how to be alpha like me, bro. I say I have... I'm going with my romantic infatuation, with my temporal romantic infatuation. I'm going to a concert with... I'm going with a chick I want to bang. Rare State Cubes for five says Vito wouldn't have such a hard time sleeping if he didn't vote for it. Inflation, Warren, Ukraine, COVID.

You voted for this. Biden didn't start COVID. No, he didn't vote for it. Inflation, Warren, Ukraine, COVID. You voted for this. Biden didn't start COVID. No, he didn't. Trump did. He made it in a lab. Justin Gomez for five says, Dick's hair looks great. Is he using the new

got to be glued gel? Got to be. I know what you're doing. I see what you're doing. Trying to get me to say a certain phrase and it didn't work. Fire Chicken for $5 says,

I saved thousands by switching to self-checkout and stealing. I identify with that comment. Yeah. Oh, when I go to Target, one item is free. That's the Target rule. Yeah. You go through the self-checkout, and why don't open your cart just is free. Buy 10, get one free.

Right. Buy 10 of anything, get one free. That's the rule. It's the unspoken rule. I stole, get one free. Right. Buy 10 of anything, get one free. It's the unspoken rule. I stole one of their baskets too. Yeah? They had these nice new baskets. Oh, those are useful.

Yeah, they are. I can't steal magic cards anymore though because they started putting little dingers. RFIDs in them. Yeah. Which I thought Targets didn't have because it's self-checkout.

So I was like confused. I binged on the way out the door. I think because you're supposed to swipe it and then it demagnetizes the strip because it's self-checkout, so I was confused. I binged on the way out the door. I think because you're supposed to swipe it and then it demagnetizes the strip even at the self-checkout. It's a free magnet. I could just bring a magnet. Or I could stop being a grown adult man who steals children's card games. Ah, fuck them. That win to steal is when you're an adult.

Yeah. Isn't that arresting? What are you going to do? Go to jail? Yeah. As a kid, you're worried about it because your parents might yell at you now you're like oh count them up 999 of magic bags go fuck yourself philosopher i'm drunk if all these gentlemen in san francisco can rob a walgreens blind i could get a pack of magic if juicy smolest attackers can get away with it yeah then we what a travesty

we should do a juicy smoothie episode mike hud for five. Mr. Inbetween, as good as Breaking Bad in only 30 minutes an episode. Check it out. I have not heard of that show. Shin Chan for 10 says, I had a side hustle. I used to sell Coca-Cola products to people. What the fuck does that mean? It was a good cash flow, but then I realized I was, yeah, but, oh, okay. I was just working a second job and the Fed doesn't like Coca-Cola products.

No, the IRS will let you tax uh proceeds from crime that's true yeah they expect you to yeah they're like well it's income crime you're supposed well i think you file it as a 1099 misc you just go i earned 20 or 200 thousand dollars doing something and then you then they leave worry they leave six pages for innuendos. Yeah. I was, well, what had happened was. Made a lot of money powdering the slopes. Chocolate noodle for five.

I was a ski instructor. I was a ski instructor. And we had some of the driest powder that we've had in eight. Every guy talking about drinking is like Casey Kasem.

Yeah. What had happened was. It was an exceptionally dry season. It was a very dry season that year. And I like rich white powder. You do a way better Casey Kasem than me. Let's see. Chocolate Noodle for five says, I was the voicemailer and my explanation was, oh, our

incest voicemailer is here. Incest is the only genre we have left where the actress feels like she's doing something wrong that was it and you could tell in their eyes oh there's just like euphoria you could tell it's like ah that bitch doesn't want to get her tits out you want the shame the shame is what's exciting about it yeah the oh i've done something wrong yeah long wool coat for 10 says having a foreskin is awesome. I play with it every day and it never gets old. Hit me with a refresh, Dick. See if any- Wait, you had to do, because of the bad word filter, you had to do a fore- Fore-e-skin.

Fore space e-skin. Well, I guess the filter- I don't know what a filter will let me talk about. My fore-e-skin Is doing just fine You're talking about 4 skin? Yeah my e-skin Dick of course My 4 e-skins

Nah they're Alright guys well that's the show Thanks for coming by Biggestproblem.show Don't forget to check out our Patreon At patreon.com Slash Biggestproblem

Goodbye Take care of yourself