The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 33

Episode Date: March 19, 2022

Indoctrinating Children, Easy Mode Activists, The Slippery Slope Fallacy Fallacy, Zoom Exhaustion

My girlfriend will scream. Yeah. I fucking screamed it! So she just watches the show while we're doing the show. Yeah, up there. That's fun. And the dog sits there and watches. He goes, that's my dad.

Yeah. That's my dad, I know him. That's not how she talks. That's what your dog, I'm pretty sure would sound like. What do you think, what does your dog sound like to you internally? Oh, very racist. Very racist dog. Oh, yeah.

Like a Japanese guy. That's my father. That is my father. Very dishonor. Stream diary. Very much dishonor. Is that the podcast of me? It's a yellow lab.

Yellow, of course. I thought you were going to give me a rim shot. I'm ready. Yellow, of course. I thought you were going to give me a rim shot. Are we ready? Biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From sleeping all day to banging Aunt May. I'm your host Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Gisualdi. Hi Dick. I think

I'm losing the ability to say my name. Yeah. After taking that rock to the head at the Chappelle protest, Masterson turned into Masterson. Every day we've been losing a little bit more with the good Dick Masterson. Hold on to what you got, folks. And every time I have a headache now, I think it's like brain damage related. Every time I forget something, it's like, look at that fucking guy. Your son's setting, man. In real time. Did you hear about Bruce Willis, that they're feeding him all these lines through an earpiece

because he's got early onset super dementia? Oh, no. Not Bruce. Poor Bruce Yeah. Not Bruce. Poor Brucey. Not Bruce. They're feeding him his lines through a headset? Bruno is, yeah, well, because he can't remember any lines, so they just have an earpiece that triggers the old man's corpse.

I would say, don't you want to retire, but like, free money. And it's like, you got people all day telling you you're great. Yeah. What, are you going to go home? Like, Tom Brady went home with his wife and his kids. He's already regretting it. I hate this. Yeah. What, are you going to go home? Like Tom Brady went home with his wife and his kids and he's like, I hate this. I fucking hate you.

He's like, I've made a horrible mistake. I got to get back on that field. Okay, you ready? How's your weight loss going? Fantastic. Really? I don't have a weight.

Don't bullshit me. Do you have a Fitbit? I don't have a Fitbit. You got to have a Fitbit. You got to buy me a Fitbit. If you don't track it, what do I get? Do I get to see your Fitbit results?

Do I get to see and make fun of your stats? It's still down? Well, we're recording it, right? Yeah, of course. You can keep clicking that stop streaming start streaming and see if that keeps rebooting it. What's that going to do? I don't know. Sometimes that just kicks a signal. Okay. I'm pressing

stop. I mean, just whatever. Trying. Regardless, Dick, let's just record it. And sorry to everyone who's watching live. What do I get out of the Fitbit? You want my stats? Yeah. I want to keep you honest. Well, like, what am I...

If you don't track it, it doesn't improve. Yeah. You ever heard that? No. I mean, it makes sense. That's a gym bro saying. I got a lot of sayings down at the gym. I was thinking That's a gym Bro saying I got a lot of sayings Down at the gym

I was thinking about Getting a gym membership For uh Oh yeah I want some I want some of that Leg equipment Like what

I wanna For walking Leg pressing Yeah Oh the leg press The leg press The fucking worst Exercise at the gym

Where you sit back And lift about 10,000 pounds Straight at a 45 degree angle. That's what you, that's what you want to do. I think that it would be great to, you know, really get my legs. You think that after years of carrying around 300 pounds, you think that your legs need more exercise?

That's what's holding me back. The knee buster? That's the first thing on your mind? If I had stronger knees, everything would be better. Everything else I have covered. Yeah. I just gotta do what? The little...

You gotta ride the bike. I gotta ride the bike. Yeah, you gotta ride the bike. And eat healthy. And eat healthy. Well, I don't wanna do that. You gotta write down all your meals, everything you eat, and tweet it. But that's my...

No, but I... I've realized the only... Candy bar? You say, I just ate a fucking I just ate a fucking Snickers bar. I ate half a Snickers and I saved the second half. Well, that's why I'm doing that fasting thing, because I can't, I can't If I try to limit what I eat, I'm just gonna be like, well, then there's no point

in living. This is the only thing I like. Okay. The only thing I really like, Dick, is food. That's the problem. I don't, I try not to drink before my girlfriend gets home. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The only thing I really like, Dick, is food. That's the problem. I don't, I try not to drink before my girlfriend gets home. Yeah. Okay? Okay.

Don't tell me about the only thing I like in the world. Holding back. Right. Yeah, I get it. But you still drink.

But just not before four. Yeah, exactly. That's why I'm fitting it all into, I'm fitting it all into a period of time. Okay.

Okay. Don't be saying it's all or nothing, though. No fast food. No more fast food. Well, then what other food is there? You gotta make Period of time Okay Okay Don't be saying it's all or nothing though I I No fast food No more fast food Well then what is

What other food is there? You gotta make your own fucking food Oh I got no time for that Boiled chicken That's what I do Boiled chicken I boil six cuts of chicken On Sunday

And I eat it all week Do you really boil chicken? Yeah Chicken drumsticks I boil them Chicken breast Why would you boil it? I said, it's the healthiest.

Yeah, because it sucks. Literally, you're just eating a big water nugget at that point. Put a little bit of salt on that thing. Every bite. Yeah, see, I'm not going to do that. It's healthy. That's how I look. That's how I look.

This, okay. But there's trade-offs, you know? There's trade-offs in life. Okay. Where you go, yes, I could be healthier, but then what would be the point? What am I going to do with it? You know, like, women...

Yeah, I don't like them as much as I like food. I really just don't. I feel the same way about liquor. Okay, hold on. I would rather have a fat woman and a pizza than a skinny woman and no pizza. But the fat women need... And a boiled chicken breast.

The fat women want six foot... You're six feet tall, right? Yeah, I got the six feet. And they want chiseled abs. They say it on there. They all need that, though. That's not happening. You know, the fat women?

The fat women, they don't need the chiseled abs. Oh, oh, oh. I do, though. They do, though. The fatter they get, the skinnier they need you to be. They're going to learn to settle, I tell you what. All right. The problems.

Sleep deprivation. Wow. What a win. Sleep deprivation, big one. I'm surprised it's not higher, honestly. I think it's one of those problems that's going to continue to climb the charts as time goes on. Everybody went to sleep. Everybody went to sleep.

Celebrity never nudes. That's a big one. Side hustles. And incest porn came in last. Yeah. That is... You should have said nude negotiations. Nude negotiators? That's what I had. For alliteration.

Maybe I'll change it. So the incest porn... I was talking to a gay friend of mine and he said that the same thing is happening in gay porn yeah that it's all like brother brother and like son and stepdad and he said the same thing he's like i don't get it he didn't have any sort of idea is this guy is in porn or directs porn or what? No, he's just a friend of mine. He's just a gay man. Talk to the porn guys. You know, I know, actually we both know, I remember Ork Girl.

I want to ask Ork Girl. What about Buck Angel? Weren't you friends with him? I could, well, yeah, but now I got banned from Twitter, so I'm going to have to go to Buck Angel and go, Hey, Buck. Hey, dude, remember me? Remember me? Hey, bro.

Hey, bro, remember me? I don't think but i wonder if buck is doing i wonder if they've approached buck to be the transgender dad transgender brother yeah doesn't rhyme uh okay i got some some comments here victor frankenstein says i'm old enough to remember when side hustle just meant selling your co-workers we Prickles. I used to have bad sleep deprivation. I thought it was depression, diet, life-sucking, etc. Oh, life-sucking, etc. Turns out it was severe sleep apnea.

I got the stupid machine. Now it doesn't take me hours to pass out, and I don't walk around like a zombie until 10 a.m. in the morning. I'm going to get that machine. I'm going to record myself again. I feel like I must have sleep apnea or something. I'm going to get that machine. I'm going to record myself again. I feel like I must have sleep apnea or something. I'm going to get that machine

and put a little something extra into it. You said you have sleep apnea. Oh yeah, I can't. Multiple girls have told me that I will, in my sleep, go stop breathing for a long time and then go like a demon.

Yeah, that's not good. That's really bad. Come on. What are you going to do about it? Even when I'm sleeping, I can't get away from the nagging. As soon as I wake up, oh, you wouldn't believe what you're doing to me in your sleep.

Oh, fuck me. More problems? I don't know, man. If my body's trying to kill itself while I'm asleep, I want to do something about it. I'm trying to kill it. Yeah.

It's just trying to kill me first. Maybe that's part of the problem. Solid BM says, I've never agreed with Dick Moore in my life. Great problem. I assume he's talking about the celebrity nude negotiators. On a dat boy,

if Vito is my brother and got stuck in a dryer, I would shut the door and put it on an extra long cycle. Thanks. So he wouldn't bang you. No. Hmm.

Mean. Trapped in the dryer. Is that really the common? I guess it is, right? And then her ass is just hanging out. Yeah, these dumb stepmoms. And Big Blue walks by and goes, Ooh!

They can't control themselves. Ooh! Whoa! His ass just sticking out of nowhere. They should do some home improvement. That was the ultimate family. World sound effects? Yeah.

Oh. Oh. You never fallen into your dryer before? No, not, no. Ah. Thankfully. It's very risky. Yeah.

Especially if you got a big bubble butt to be. Wow. Big bro, help me out here. There's so many places in the house that you could get stuck in with your butt hanging out. Is the porn like comic? I don't watch the stepbrother porn, but from what I've seen

it seems comical. It's like slapstick that they're doing. Like Leslie Nielsen? Yeah, yeah. Like airplane? Sweating and the stuff? Yeah. Or it's like walking home from school.

I mean, it's two people who are clearly not children. It's the 25-year-olds and 30-year-olds playing brother and sister. She's just skipping along and brother's wearing the loosest fitting shorts you've ever seen. Yvette says the actual fantasy of stepmom porn Is about cucking your dad Without having to bang your mom I don't think I don't think it is about that It's a

What is that? Oedipus Yeah the Oedipus complex I think it's like I think it's like Just a woman around Who likes you I think it's a woman

Who has to like you Yeah Who might like who's there yeah like who's you cannot get rid of and by social obligation probably can't tell people about yeah horrible sex she can't like divorce you yeah she can't fuck you over as like a normal girl now the idea of a normal girl banging you is so unrealistic. Who doesn't just hate you. Or isn't just crazy. Or wants money or something.

Like the idea of you going to fix a cable in a girl's house. And her saying, yeah, let's bang. Is not even in our... No, not possible. But your mom, maybe. Because she's there, right? So eventually you're going to wear her down. You have a better chance of your mom giving you a hand job than a random girl.

Bob Genus says, The amount of times pegging has been mentioned on my Discord server is way too much for people who claim to be straight. There's a lot of obsession over certain topics. Yeah. From the straight community yeah do gay people talk about pegging as much as the straight people do i think i think straight people get weirdly obsessed with gay stuff it's like they can't get out of their minds i think all gay people probably get started off that way as they just keep thinking about it long enough and they go yeah well now i just gotta try it because as they just keep thinking about it long enough and they go, well, now I just got to try it because I can't stop thinking about it.

I want to show these cues. I can take a peg. CryoCrusader says, what's the matter, Vito? You don't want to share a living, breathing fleshlight with your dad? Nah, but seriously, good problem. It is awful.

Yeah, some people understood where I was coming from. I like that nah, but seriously. I thought it would be higher. I thought more people would be offended by the amount of... It's too much. They haven't realized it yet. Yeah. Because even the gay guy was saying,

oh, it's fucking ruined my pornography. Yeah. As a one-time thing, I'd be like, oh, that's fun. All right, yeah, I'll watch this one-time incest porn'd be like, oh, it's fun. All right. Yeah, I'll watch this one time. Yeah incest porn But now it's just everything Okay, do you wanna it's what you might call dick a Slippery slope. Oh But that's not my problem dick

My problem is the slippery slope fallacy fallacy. Now, Dick, there's a lot of dumbasses out there. You're doing a fallacy fallacy problem? I'm doing a fallacy fallacy problem. God damn, this is all very, very familiar. I got to say, it's all very familiar to me.

Look, you got to hear me out on this. There's a thing called the slippery slope. The slippery slope. You know, I thought, I didn't even get a thing called the slippery slope. The slippery slope. You know, I thought, I didn't even get a definition of it because we all understand the concept. I don't think we do. Well, I'll tell you what the concept is. It's the idea that.

Like if someone's gay, then you're gay. That's a slippery slope. The idea that if, yes, a common slippery slope argument has been by legalizing gay marriage, we will lead to more acceptance of homosexuals, which could lead to more people becoming homosexual, which could lead to fucking animals or whatever else. Which is true. Well, that's no. Because all these motherfuckers are gay.

I mean, that's what I'm. Well, it definitely did lead, yes. All of these fucking guys are gay, and they're just not being gay because their wives would get pissed. Right. Like, that's what I've learned about that slippery slope. Well, if gay marriage is legal, I'm going to start fucking guys. So, don't do that.

Because then I've got to deal with my fucking wife. Well, that's the thing is that I'll get into these arguments online where people say, well, you can't make that argument. That's the slippery slope fallacy where you can't argue that something's bad because it will lead to something bad. And sometimes they're right so for instance gay marriage is just good it's just it's it's not bad in itself yeah it is the fact that marriage is retarded yeah okay but we ended slavery we didn't make white people slaves to actually we did make white people slaves too we ended slavery by saying okay now you just got to be arrested.

Yeah. And then you're a slave. Right. Well, making it equal, though, is good. If you had gotten rid of heterosexual marriage, that would have also been good. That would have been ideal. Right. Yeah.

But we have women to deal with, like I said. Yeah. But then there have been things where I go, well, no, but it is bad and it will lead to more bad things. And people go, nope, that's a fallacy. And I'm going to argue it's not. And we are seeing every day that the slippery slopes are real. Okay, wait, let me slow down for me. Yeah.

So the slippery slope fallacy. That's your problem. It would be a fallacy if you point something like, you shouldn't let children eat candy because then all children will get fat. You'll go, well, no, you can let some kids have candy. You can't use the simple act of giving a kid candy to say that needs to be out. Or for you, alcoholism. Whoa. Okay, but we'll say, if we let people drink, some people will drive drunk.

That's true. I will drive drunk. Right. But does that mean we have to ban all alcohol? No. It's over my dead body. Even though it will definitely lead to some drunk driving, the act of drinking alcohol in itself is not necessarily a moral.

I'll get even drunker and drive more recklessly if you ban it. Right. How about that? So that's even another down the line. Sure. if you ban it. Right. How about that? So that's even another

down the line. Sure. But an example I point at is this ongoing thing and not to tread over some of the same ground, but when we started letting these trans women athletes

into sports. Oh. Okay. Okay. I said, well, this is bad because it will make it unfair because it is unfair regardless.

And they would say, no, no. And you go, well well what happens if one very skilled trans athlete who has a male physique and body and a wiener then just dominates a particular category of sport like swimming well they said that's a slippery slope argument it'll never happen they said that yes Yes they said Well it's gonna The number of trans people In sport It'll be so rare And so You know

It's gonna be like A couple people And they're not gonna be that good And women will still be able To beat them Oh yeah Okay And then this week

That looks like a fucking bat ray You're gonna beat that? A bunch of chicks With big fat asses Are gonna beat Fucking Aquaman As we saw this week Penn Swimmer Leah Thomas Won the women's 500-yard freestyle championship

to become the first transgender NCAA champion in Division I history. This is Division I. This is the tip of the sport. Wow. And she's... Tip top. As I was saying with a friend earlier, and I'm like, well, I mean, if you think about it, maybe it's

not that she's transgender maybe it's bravery translates to success like if the other women were just as brave as her maybe they would swim faster it's a correlation what do you mean i'm saying that you know biological women are cowardly transgender women are very brave. So she's not winning based on sporting events. I think it's the mind thing. Like women, women swimmers are probably forgetting to swim.

They're probably forgetting where they're going. They're not good with directions. They're thinking about something else. they're like, fuck,

where am I supposed to go? They look at their hand like, oh, back the other way. And the man, the man brain in the beautiful woman's body

knows instantly, boom, boom, boom, doesn't have to think about it. Since joining the team, she has broken two school records and posted the fastest times in the country in the 200 and 500-yard freestyle events. Now, I'm going to argue that in this case, the slippery slope clearly was not a foul. It was accurate. Is it ever not?

Okay, but you know how we keep saying, well, what's going to happen when all these female sports are dominated by men? And you guys keep saying, well, no, that's not going to happen. No, it will happen. It is already happening. In a way, you're right.

And we have decided this, like just let it happen because it's hilarious. It's going to be hilarious when eventually all the women's swimming freestyle or when one of these guys again we keep joking about what about michael phelps or lebron james just decides they're a woman at some point some athlete is going to do that what do you mean yeah going to that will happen doing it fucking bruce jenner yeah thankfully if bruce Bruce Jenner was younger I can imagine

Although thankfully She can still come out of retirement Yeah well Let's go motherfuckers I don't think she's gonna put up Any Olympian records In the women's category? Yeah

You have no idea? It's just basically All the slippery slope Predictions About where these things could lead They're all true They're just true. Yeah.

And it sucks, but it's like, yeah, that's true. I like to focus on the transgender thing. It's just what was on my mind. But also like when we were predicting, it's like,

well, anyone can identify as a woman, whatever they want. You go, what about if you want, if you're going to prison and they're like, well, it's not,

no one's going to change. No one's going to do that. And now we have, yo, right here. Yeah. Especially in the Scottish prisons, there's all these uh because in scotland now they'll just let you change it at will and you can transfer to women's prison without trying so a bunch of guys just go i'm a woman put me in there yeah the second they leave they go back to being a guy and there's no stopping them as uh one of them said or this

was a they gotta cut their dicks off or something. Oh, God. There was a good quote where basically he said, yeah, oh, one woman reported that a trans woman in her cell said to her, I just wanted to be here to have sex with loads of lassies. As they say in Scotland. Who would do that? Vito, who would do that?

Who would do that? Who on earth? What kind of criminal would be so based? That's a slippery slope argument. No one would ask. Yes, they would. Why do you not understand the human ability to take advantage of a situation and twist it to any end? What kind of life have you lived where you don't think criminals are going to do that?

I've done it and I will continue to do it. I've already said if I ever go to prison for anything, I'm going to go, well, you see on the ID that I'm a lady. Yeah. Put me in lady jail. That's the law. I have lied constantly to have sex with women. That would not even be a big lie. I get this.

I mean, and again with like. So the slippery slope fallacy. Fallacy. Yes. Okay. Occasion occasionally there are fallacies if you made a slippery slope it is a slippery slope to say that but when you can clearly draw again you can't say that gay marriage is bad uh because you can but you can but it's not a fallacy it would be a fallacy to prevent gay marriage based on what it might lead to that is bad. Why? Because gay marriage in itself is not bad.

I mean, you're saying marriage is bad. I'm saying, yeah, marriage is bad. And marriage exists because collectively we pity women. So other than marriage, let's say getting rid of sodomy laws is good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, but somebody would say, well, then you could end up fucking a horse.

And you go, yeah, but that we know is bad. Letting somebody fuck whoever, like another consenting human being we know is good. Yeah. But I would argue it is intrinsically bad to let men into women's sports. That in itself is bad. You don't need to go further down the slope, but you can, and it continues to get worse.

Same as letting men go into women's prisons. That's bad, and we know it's bad. So focus on that, and whatever comes afterwards, yes, the slope is very real. Women have fucked it up in the beginning. They fucked it up right away.

It's just like, well, I'm going to hang around with this woman and bang her for a while. And then she's like, well, what happens if he doesn't want to bang me anymore? I need some of that money still. Yeah. And everyone's head, what the fuck are you talking about? You got all these years. You can't like. Go do your own thing.

You can't do. We know you can't. Okay. You can't do your own thing. You can't like make him like you a little bit? Like, come on, you got nothing to do all day. Like,

no, I need the government involved. All right, now the government's involved. Total catastrophe. Yeah, it is pretty bad. Isn't it funny that with

these trans women's sports, like, it only matters because colleges have to give women sports because of Title IX. Title IX is really weird. Like, nobody wants women's sports. Yeah.

Except for a couple. And, like, without colleges needing to, like, advertise to kids by doing stupid sports shit and, like, dumb parents to pad their government-sponsored loan ripoff scam, it wouldn't even exist. Is Title IX, like, if you offer men's basketball at your college, you have to offer women's basketball? You have to give them, like, comparable shit. That's so bizarre. Oh, is it?

It was a slippery slope, isn't it? Well, no, but it's not a slippery slope, because, again, at the core of it, that was already bad, and all the things it would lead to are also bad. Yeah. But at least the boys' sports were moneymakers. Right. So you justify things by saying, well, that to are also bad. Yeah. Yeah, these are boys sports for moneymakers, right? So you justify things by saying well that doesn't make money

Yeah, but now you have to do the women's like well I mean I could say it doesn't make money But I can't really because none of this makes any fucking money. We just legally have to do it So fuck your fuck your swimming. Yeah, it's really honestly you guys have been fucking around with all of our stuff, too So fuck you Title IX is bizarre Couldn't you, if you want, women's basketball? Couldn't it just be some colleges have women's basketball?

They all have to? Well, they all have to By government decree? Yeah Why is the government getting involved in what sports a college offers? Well, because they're funding it Yeah Is that for private schools as well?

I don't know, just stand the difference. Title IXs. Yeah. All encompassing. But you can't even have like a real, a truly private college

anymore, it seems like. No, where are you going to get the loans? Right. Kids who've taken loans backstopped by the government, owned by the government. This is a nightmare

that we live in. And it's culminated in us like having the entire world hating someone who has very clear athletic mental problems. Yeah. I'm not saying anything about trans people. Athletes have a mental problem.

Athletes are fucking crazy. They have very deep-seated mental problems. And Leah Thomas, is that her name thompson yeah leah leah thomas only an athlete would suffer what she's suffering to win a race right you know it's got nothing to do with the trans to hate me and i don't know what her mentality is i don't know how you how you don't get that fit bit you're gonna see well i'm gonna say don't know how you don't go. You get that Fitbit. You're going to see. Well, I'm going to say, don't you go, it seems like I have an unfair advantage against the rest of the field. It's like if I showed up to like a children's, you know.

Oh, this is sounding really familiar. All of it. And I just dominated a bunch of children. You'd feel bad, right? Unless you were drunk. It's like if I bragged consistently that I was smarter than children at a certain point. I'd be like, I'm a little old for this.

It's a little pathetic. Maybe makes for a good comedy bit, but to actually live it as your life, not so much. You think she's like, this is not worth it. I don't want everyone to hate me. I don't want everyone to hate me.

I don't know what's in your head. College sports? Holy shit. I think they assume that they're a hero of some sort. I'm fighting for somebody else's I'm fighting for the right for more mediocre male-bodied individuals to show up. Do you think she's like the

black power Olympics guys? More Olympics shit. I'm surprised she didn't. If I was her and I was committed to it, just go big. Just rub it in everyone's face. Just why not? Yeah. Honestly, if I was her, I would be a complete heel

and wear a complete transgender fucking uniform with spikes on and shit and go, I'm going to destroy all these wannabe women here today. And I know this is a South Park bit, but still. If she leaned into it as a villain, I would have to respect it in a way. At least she'd be having fun. Yeah. I don't think she's having any fun.

I'm better than any woman that ever existed. Okay, slippery slope. The slippery slope. Fallacy. Fallacy. Can you think of any others? Well, one has been like- Interracial marriage.

It's always marriage. It's a lot of marriage stuff. Because marriage is the devil. Yeah. Or like one recently where somebody, you know, like banning books. They go, well, that could be a slippery slope to something else. And I go, no, banning books is already bad. It doesn't get any...

Yeah, that's already bad in itself. You're already banning knowledge. Because then you try to make the book and you get killed. Yeah. Like, that's... That's slippery. It can get worse. But you can just stop here and say, this is bad.

Just stop it here. I think slippery slope, people say it because they cannot, like, logically imagine outcomes. Yeah. Like, people, you know, we're not fortune tellers, but you can kind of... You can logically presume where things are going, like Norm's bit, right? Yeah. Like people, you know, we're not fortune tellers, but you can kind of you can logically presume where things are going, like Norm's bit, right? Yeah. You're one of those, you're homosexual, right? Yeah. You don't have a dog.

And they can't do it. No. So they need to reason it out. Scream at you. Yeah. That's a slippery slope! It's just like, it's just thinking about things logically. Right. And I think a slippery slope Will also play into one of your problems Oh yeah

Here's my problem What's your problem Dick? I do that for my problems Yeah you've not never for me Mine don't stand out Indoctrinating children Oh Okay

Well that sounds awful Dick Yeah How are children being indoctrinated? Oh man, remember Dare? Yeah, I do remember Dare Actually, I fuck with those people whenever I see them now They tried to hammer us with Dare Yeah

Remember that? They really did They were there every day Yeah Did our parents know about that? Not necessarily I don't think so Yeah

I don't remember my parents having a say in that They didn't really get to consent to me talking to the Dare people, no. Bunch of cops just showed up with drugs. Hey, what's up kids? These are drugs. I'm like, who the fuck is this clown? Who's this fucking Officer Pistledick over here? Why are these cops talking to my kids? Kind of a weird mustache, sir. Did I- I didn't consent to this. Yeah. I didn't consent to any of this. I don't wanna be here. Yeah. Did my parents consent to this? Teacher did, obviously.

She's thrilled about it. Indoctrinating kids. They indoctrinated us into hating drugs. Global warming. Remember that? They were hammering. Turned out to be a lie. Who was hammering that?

Teachers. Teachers. Turned out to be a big lie. Turned out to be a big lie. Turned out to be a big hoax. Okay. Created by China to harm American industry. Okay.

It turned out to be a big money laundering scheme. I missed that part, I guess. Black Lives Matter shit. That ended up being a pretty good hoax. They ran away with a lot of money. They ran a real number on us with that one. All those teachers are showing up in class every day. Black Lives Matter shit all over their tits, whatever they got.

I wanted to like Black Lives Matter. And then, as always happens. Scam. Scam, yeah. It's such a big fucking scam. Well, if it wasn't a scam at the beginning, they let the scamsters take the scam. Again. How are you going to stop them?

Are we going to call the police? That was their whole point. The scamsters come in and they go, we got to get rid of those cops. That started great. These cops are fucking enforcing a lot of laws and fucking killing buzz. Whoa, hold on.

White people. What was that? Sounded like you were talking about me. I got it. Don't worry. I got it from here. Cultural appropriation. They were hammering kids with that. Yeah, don't enjoy anybody else's culture. Teaching abstinence. Indoctrinating kids.

The teachers indoctrinating kids with all this gibbery. Okay, all right. And thank God, recently, Florida has passed a law to stop teachers from indoctrinating the children. Is that what the law is oh i don't know i didn't read it but it probably is something like that probably is it probably is a simple law that says hey teachers when you're teaching the youngest kids the k through three you can't don't don't start you can't initiate any any lessons about any kind of gender identity, sexuality.

Sexual orientation. Sexual orientation. You don't need to be indoctrinating these kids with this stuff. Indoctrinating. Yeah. Just go back to badly teaching math. Well, Dick, I have... You got some kind of opinion about this?

I do have some sort of opinion on there. Now, to put it in context, there is a bill that has not yet passed in Florida, as far as I know. Oh, it hasn't passed yet? No, I don't believe so. And the bill is aimed at preventing the instruction of certain subjects, as you say, to children K through third grade. Young kids. Young kids. Kids that don't even want to be in here.

Sure. Too much naked sex dolls and stuff on the ceiling. On the topics of, yes, gender identity. Yeah. Sexual orientation. Yeah. Thank God for laws like that, right? Why is this good, exactly?

I don't want these. Vito. The important thing is, of course, that if a teacher does somehow end up on these topics. Straight to jail. No, you can sue them and you can sue the school district. Oh, yeah. For causing harm to your children.

Jackpot. Send the kid in. Hey, bring up, say you have two dads. See what happens. See, therein lies the problem, Dick. Therein lies the problem. Yeah. Is, what are you looking at your Fitbit?

Making sure you got time for my spiel. My waitress texted me asking if I wanted a drink. Well, hopefully you get it set up. Mine's a fat bit. Here's the problem. Look, some people are saying about this bill, well, we just don't. You don't like the bill. I don't like the bill.

The bill is very badly and vaguely worded. Because you want to get at kids. Okay, well, that's what they're saying. They're saying if you oppose this, it's because you're trying to, as they say, groom children. Yeah, you want to get at those kids. If you want to write a bill that says you can't talk to kids about sex and sexual intercourse. You can't bring it up. You can't bring it up.

I don't know if it says you can't bring it up. It says you can't introduce it. It says you can't instruct, uh, have an instruction or lesson plan. Yeah. You can't put in your lesson plan. Right. Can you imagine what these fucking people are putting in their lesson plans? Like, oh, I got 180 days of gay. Come on in, kids.

I don't put a gay alphabet. Asshole. Butt plugs. Cock rings. Dildos. Look, if you had that. What the fuck is wrong with these people? But you just made that up. What do you mean? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I know. You're imagining what they might have. Look, if you had examples of some lessons plans for kids that had that shit, of course I would be fucking outraged. That's ridiculous. The problem is that that's not what they're talking about. It's literally being like, today we're going to read a book. It's called Johnny's Two Dads.

And it's how everybody has a different family and it's totally normal. I don't want teachers teaching kids. If I was a parent, first of all, get rid of the whole, look, get rid of the whole federal Department of Education. You can pick a little pod, find a teacher, pay her $300,000 a year, teach 10 kids a year, done. You don't have to have these big problems. But since I'm paying for it, I got an opinion on it, right?

I don't want these people bringing in books about my two dads. Here's the problem is that you have to have it equal. Kindergarten? Okay, but in kindergarten, you never read a storybook where a prince and a princess held hands at the fucking end of it? You know what? Make speaking illegal for teachers. Okay. They're not allowed to talk.

They could wipe an ass. Did you ever watch a Disney movie in class? The teacher is something free day, and they put on Beauty and the Beast. Can they watch? Beauty kisses the Beast at the end, you go oh my god an illegal depiction of sexual orientation so what's she gonna put on frozen that's fine kids love frozen that it doesn't have anna shacks up with somebody i don't fucking know no it's a lesbian movie yeah no but that's the point is that you have to, if the bill was specific in any way, if it said like, you can't show like, I don't know.

But yeah, well, obviously you can't show butt sex though. I don't even think you need a bill to prevent. I think if a teacher shows butt sex, they get fired and prosecuted for child endangerment regardless. Okay. Okay. But the thing is that like you ever in school even like i let's say third grade or whatever you ever get like a math problem that's like johnny's dad has

two apples johnny's mom has five apples how many apples those johnny's parents have oh that's like do you have a problem with that math problem they can't fucking reword that no what's fucking three apples and five apples shithead no but why do they need to why is it okay to say johnny's dad and mom or whatever but then you go well you know we can't talk about any sexual orientation so we have to get rid of any mentions of moms and dads husbands and wives yeah i'm fine with that that's insane the whole system is insane that husbands and wives exist why do we have to hide it from them? How are they going to get fucked with that information? Because they're saying it's an anti-grooming bill.

If you find out that some kids have two dads, you go, well, I guess I'm getting raped tomorrow on the schoolyard. No, there's no through line there. This is a slippery, slow fallacy, my friend. The people, the teachers, because the teachers that were allowed to do it are fucking retarded. That's why it happened. Okay. Like, all right, why don't you just teach some math and take it easy?

And they're like, you know what? I'm going to teach all about two gay dads have 10 cock rings. And then it's like, what the fuck? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? A specific bill that says what you specifically want to outlaw. We don't have time for all that. We've got. But if you put sexual orientation, heterosexuality

is a sexual orientation. Then don't teach it. We're not teaching it. There's no reason. Kids understand that men and women are in relationships and that husbands and wives and mommies and daddies exist. You're going to take all that out of the school because you're worried they're going to get fucked somehow? I think it's

a nice cup check for teachers. Like, hey, if you fuck up, you're going to jail. Yeah, well, that's the problem, though. Put them on their heels. No, no, no, no. So they have to at least say, okay, they brought it up, and they have two dads in everyone's, and all the parents look, if you got a kid with two dads in class,

everyone's gonna be cool with it, okay? There's not gonna be any lawsuits. Lawsuits fix everything. Need I remind everyone that America is built on lawsuits? The idea that you can say, you know what? I don't like it. I'm going to sue your ass. I don't think that's good. That doesn't make it better. Again, what if you're a teacher and you just go, oh, I'll read this storybook to the kids,

and it goes, Johnny's dad and mom were there. Oh, God, I mentioned that he has a heterosexual family. If you've got all gay parents, you're going to get sued. You should have read it before class, you bitch! While you're fucking eating glue! Whether the parents are gay or... The government should not be able to say heterosexual... It's okay to talk about heterosexual couples.

The government makes you sit there! And not homosexual couples. But they don't say that. Kids can have... That's basically what it's gonna... No, it says you can't discuss... You can't bring up any of it. Which is ridiculous. Why? Because are you going to sue the school again if it goes Johnny's dad has two apples? Like, no, that's insanity.

Everyone has to have a dad. Yeah, okay, they all have to have a mom and a dad. Okay, so as long as we mention that the mom and dad are divorced and not in a relationship and they don't love each other, that's fine. How does that help with math? I don't know, but I'm just saying. Is that the only way we can talk about- You're talking about, like, a very fringe case. Like, oh,

what if? Okay, but you're talking about we have to take these, like, very benign parts of the human condition, which is the fact that everybody, or the majority of people, sees relationships around them and are aware of them, including children. And they love fucking movies and everything about it. All the classic Disney movies have heterosexual

relationships somewhere in them, right? Are they watching movies in class all day? No, but they go home and they watch it. Well, that's the parents! Are all the parents who show their kids Disney movies grooming them by showing them illegal depictions of sexual orientation? Those are their kids!

The fact is... Anyone who watches a Disney movie Is a disgusting pervert They don't want some Who is grooming their children By letting them see Disney characters Fall in love with each other Dare

Groomers Remember that Yeah Remember dare Okay Okay These are the people Telling us not to do drugs

Yeah And they're the ones Fucking brainwashing kids Into doing Into swimming In another gender. Don't think, don't think they're not capable of it.

Okay? If you kiss in front of your kids, you're grooming them for sex. It's your kids. You're indoctrinating them. It's your kids. This is some fuckhead. It's okay to indoctrinate kids.

Yes! That's the whole point of having kids! As long as you're not a teacher. Yes! It's your kids! You can do whatever you want. You paid for them. You bought them. I don't want to groom my kids with these horrible

depictions of sexual orientation. Why can't you just write a bill that says you can't talk to kids about sex? That's fine. Isn't that what it says? No, it says sexual orientation. Sexual orientation has a whole list. It just means like, hey, I have a husband. Or a good example. If the kid asks, hey, I like, you know, I have a husband. Or a good example.

If the kid asks, do you have a husband? Yeah. Say, yeah. That's legal. What if the teacher's there and the husband comes and is like, hey, you left your lunch on the kitchen counter. Fuck them. Shut the fuck up. You have to say, that's my butler.

What if he gives him a little kiss before he leaves? He gives him a little kiss. He goes, thanks, honey. Is that promoting homosexuality to your kids? Are we going to sue that guy? Two gay guys are kissing? Two gay guys are kissing in the classroom? Like Rick Rubin holding up his fucking butt baby fetus or whatever the fuck that was?

You never saw any of your teachers kiss their husband or wife or anything? Oh, I wish. I would have killed that guy if I saw. No, that's fine. That's fine. That's fine. That's not made illegal in the bill. Well, the bill's not specific.

You could absolutely sue over that. Well, you could sue over anything. Yeah, but that's the point is don't give them more reasons to sue. Just be like, look. No, no, no, no. Suing is the best way to do anything. Veto. This is a badly written suing.

It's very vague. That's good. And again, anyone who's saying that this bill is anti-grooming is fucking retarded it has nothing to do with stuff we were getting groomed to not doing drugs with derek that's not sex that's not sex they're always i have deep shame that i suffer all day context and they know that they are because they're going you're warming did you ever call someone a groomer for trying to groom you into doing drugs? That's a sexual-

Out of doing drugs. Yeah. The groomers. Out of doing drugs. Anyway, as someone who would- Oh, you think it's okay to bring a bunch of cops around? No. Fucking parade them around with their guns and shit?

No, but I'm not going to call them groomers either. Here's Officer Slapdick. Where's the other side of this? Yeah. Where's the ACLU coming in and talking about how this guy shot two black guys this week? Well, are there any bills to stop DARE? There probably is.

I know, but there should be. Stop law enforcement from talking to kids. Talk to your kids. Anyway, this bill is just badly written. Look, if you want... And I'm all about keeping some of this crazy ideology out of there. The gender identity stuff, I do think it's too young for a lot of kids to figure a lot of that out.

Kindergarten you think is too young? I think third grade is too young. I think sixth grade might be too young. But you also have to look at the realities of, you know, there might be a transgender kid in that class. Wait a minute. Are you allowed to talk about it? might be a transgender kid in that class and wait a minute are you allowed to talk about it or i i didn't why would you want why would you want some fucking lunatic teacher having a whole lesson plan thinking somebody's straight like they're specifically if it said lesson plan you would

have a point but it doesn't it just says instruction which is so fucking what is instruction you have to define it like this is how you get this is how you cut your dick can i read my kid yeah well that i mean there's fucking children's books and children media that has transgender characters like what i don't know there's just children's books out there that have that well none that i'm not reading a lot of children's books i know they're out there let the courts figure it out what What's wrong with that? Yeah, the courts. The Republican-controlled Florida Congress gets it done.

What's wrong with that? Oh, no, nothing. The religious right has all the right ideas for governance. Did you see that abortion bill where if you abort your rapist's baby, everyone in his family gets to see you for $20,000?

That's funny. That's funny. It's funny. It's not kind of funny. Anyway, what was your problem? I always say rape. Your problem is indoctrination. I always say rape with abortion. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that happens. Yeah, but what's the difference? The difference is that you probably don't want to raise your rapist's baby. But, I mean, it's just... It's different than a guy you chose to have sex with and you're like, Not to the baby. It's funny to me that conservatives always go like, Well, except in rape.

They don't even say except in rape anymore. Now they're just like, No, suffer through the rape. Have a rape baby. Look, I agree that indoctrinating children is wrong. Would you say it's a slippery slope? I'm thinking about it. Is what a slippery slope? I'm thinking about it. Is what a slippery slope? Leaving it legal?

Yeah. Getting rid of it. I think you should... This law, you think it's a slippery slope? I think that this law is badly written. You just have to be more specific. Like what? You cannot have an entire lesson revolving around one of these topics. An entire lesson? If it comes up naturally as part of a different unit or whatever,

you know, it's fine. The kid can bring it up. I think even the teacher could theoretically, again, if you're gonna still read kids' storybooks that have, like, heterosexual couples, then you have to make it okay to also have storybooks with homosexual couples. Both have to be okay. And that's the problem is that I know that these, I know that the people

writing this bill are not saying like, oh, and we want to get rid of all this classic children's literature because it shows people in loving families. What's a book that has like two gay dads that they can't read now? Uh, I don't, I mean, ones are popping up now. I mean, but that's the point is that the government can't say. You don't think the teachers will just go like, oh, yeah, here's the gay one. I'm going to read this one. They might. And then you're at home going like, now I got to answer all these fucking questions. I have to send the kid there.

How about it has to be proportional to 13. Only 13% of the books you read may feature gay characters. I just think teachers are retarded. Like they're like a bunch of chicks. Yeah, but that's a whole different other fucking problem. But that's the whole point. If your problem was teachers are retarded, you'd have a vote. It's like, can you just not fuck around?

Can you please not fuck around? I know I want to stop them from fucking around, but this is not the way to do it. You have to be, because then you're limiting. It's censorship. Dare. It's censorship, in a way. It's the government talking. You can't censor the government.

It's the government telling you what topics you're allowed to talk about. It's the government's school that you cannot censor the government. It's an illegal endorsement of heterosexual relationships over homosexual relationships. Well, look...

And if you ban both of them, fine, but I think that's retarded and I think kids can handle the idea that husbands and wives exist And they've seen Disney characters kiss each other And they haven't turned all into sex perverts from that All women grow up thinking that they need to get married

And their fucking brains are scrambled You're like, well Not from their family, not from the school Alright, yeah, maybe the school should just tell kids Never get married and love is a lie. How about that? How about teaching math? They're never going to.

How about just doing nothing because it's just babysitting? Yeah. Anyway. Okay. Do your problem. My problem, Dick, is. You shit all over mine. Well, you brought it in specifically so I would fight with you about it.

Indoctrinating children. You specifically knew that I've been arguing about that problem. I don't understand why you're so up in arms about it. I don't understand why you're so combative. You see me argue about it for two days on the internet. I don't understand why you're so combative. Dick, there's a new video game called Elden Ring. Great video game.

Yeah. Very challenging video game. That's part of the fun is overcoming challenges as part of any sporting event You wanted to have some challenge, right? Yeah. Hi, Maddie and Maddie. The dog is here, of course Oh my god, but some people are saying sexual fucking relationships that we're seeing right now She's coming at me Jesus Christ but some people are now saying that challenges are ableist, Dick. And that is my problem.

My problem is people who think. I'm getting spun around. I'm trying to. Yeah, Maddie, throw me off. I didn't have a name for this problem. I should think of one. Ableist. Ableist gaming.

Game cry babies. Game cry babies. Who say it's too hard. Who say if a video game is too hard you must release a version of that video game that is less hard yeah

you know for people who they say it's it's for disabled people yeah well that's the thing they're saying people who are bad at video games

that's a form of disability yeah they're not even saying like they definitely have a disability it's just like if you're bad

at video games that's basically a disability And it should be recognized and we should release versions of the games catering to those people I wish putin would come in and kill all video game journalists. Don't you? Yeah, I really do They're all really bad at their jobs and they get attention by Saying dumber and dumber things. Well, I was arguing with a guy about this, and he said, Vito, you don't understand. It's like if you wanted to go to a restaurant,

but you were in a wheelchair, and you couldn't get into the restaurant. Isn't that how you go? No, no, no, no, no, no. Sounds great. Actually, you can have a fucking wheelchair. Yeah, then I have a wheelchair. Then I have more going on.

Wheel in, wheel out. So I go, no, it's more like anyone, you can buy the game. Anyone can go to the restaurant and eat the food or buy the game. It's going to the

chef who only makes the super spicy noodles and going, I'd like my noodles with no spicy. And he goes, well, we don't make those. It's like complaining

about like a film is in French. Yeah. Like, oh, this is ableist. We'll just read the, I can't be bothered. You should make a version

with subtitles for me. I mean, first of all... Dub it. Yeah. This has to be dubbed. Let's be clear is that playing this game, I will fight like the same boss for...

I think I was streaming for like two hours fighting the same boss. Yeah. I think you beat it. It's very hard. And that's what people like about it. That's why it is now

one of the best-selling games. It has already sold 12 million copies in like a month. I think it's about to be on par with Red Dead Redemption 2, a game I know you like. Ooh, that was a good game. In terms of like huge sales. Yeah. Well, the amount of sales that game put out is crazy,

and it's crazy for a Japanese game to do those kind of numbers in this day and age. That's what people like. Yeah. I watched a girl who's like i'm not very good at video games so this meant a lot to me and it was like a video of her fighting this very hard boss that i stuck on for like two hours and she's like no no oh god then she beats it and she has like a little meltdown freak out she's like

and i'm like what are you watching well of all, I get off on women crying, but second of all, watching a woman, but on Twitch. Oh yeah. It was like a Twitch stream. It was like an archive. I never watched Twitch.

But I was like, isn't that great? The idea of the human condition of being put up against a challenge and overcoming it. And yeah. And that triumph and that feeling of victory. And these people are saying, well,

just make it easier. And then she could, she could have just done it without all the, all the hard work. Like they need an easy mode. Yes. Specifically. Yeah.

They want an easy mode in all games to help out people who suck at video games. You have to gatekeep. You were very important. This is a place where I think you definitely, because here's the thing. If you had an easy mode, it would no longer be like,

I have a conversation. I go, Hey, I defeated Helllord X. And you go, wow, that's a really hard boss. Good on you, buddy. Then it becomes, yeah, I beat that guy. Anybody can beat that guy. You just put it on easy.

I feel like that's like video games aren't fun because you're just kind of tempted to push it down to easy. Yeah. Here's the video game equivalent of an easy mode is play a different video game. Yeah. Not every game is meant for every person. Like the newest Mario game. Yeah. I bought it.

My nephew has it. So he got me to buy it. And I started playing. I was like, this is like a joke. Yeah. Like I can't. I can't even get into it. It's so retardedly easy. Yeah.

I hate when games are super easy like that. Yeah. And it no longer has, it doesn't have any appeal to me to want to beat it, because then you like tell your buddies, oh, I just beat Mario, and they go, oh, that fucking baby game? Yeah. You crank up the difficulty. As I was having a discussion with this guy, I go, well, like football,

you know, you don't change the rules so disabled people can play. He goes, absolutely you do. We have disabled football. I go, right. We have a different. Do you think that disabled football is the same game as football? He's like murder ball or whatever the one that the kids in the wheelchair. No, that's basketball.

That's basketball, of course. I don't think they have a wheel of murder football. I don't know what they have, but the point is. That'd be pretty good. No one is. Le'd be pretty good. Leading with their teeth? Yeah. You don't change the thing for the people who can't handle it. You just make

a different thing, and what we make is if you suck at video games, we have... How many people are pissed about hard video games? Just game journalists. Just idiot game journalists. They're so bad. I don't know how they make any money. So-called disability advocates.

I was arguing with some blind gamer, and I'm like, okay, but you're fucking blind. What do you want? He's like, well, as a blind gamer, I just thought it wasn't. I'm like, yeah, you're blind. What do you want? Like, do you go to fucking film directors and go, I need you to make a blind version of spider-man where you know I mean, what do they do for blind people? How do you play video games if you're blind? I assume he's like half blind

Most blind people are fucking liars Oh, Stolen Valor I don't think you've noticed that Yeah Most blind people can see Like Stevie Wonder Stevie Wonder's a liar He can see

He can see He can see Yeah, I have heard of that Yeah Most blind people are fucking lying to your face. Why don't they just watch Let's Plays like me? That's the other thing. It's like they go, well, I want to enjoy the story.

And it's like, well, watch the video of it. First of all, there's no stories in video games. That's the thing. It's not any good. No, it's not worth watching for the story. It's cool. I think reading the Wikipedia for those games is fun. And they're like watching videos of all the secrets that are hiding in them.

That's cool. I agree. The ultimate story is like very vague and weirdly pieced together. It's kind of a story that you – Is that George R. R. Martin's made? Yeah. Well, did I already tell you that story where he has no idea what he worked on? Somebody interviewed him.

They're like, so you're working on that Elden Ring game, and he's like, yeah, it's called The Elden Ring. And you're like, no, it's not called The Elden Ring, you idiot. He goes, yeah, like four years ago, a bunch of Japanese folks asked me to write some shit on some paper, and I haven't talked or seen them since. But I guess they're still working on it. I watched that game. It's kind of like, it just seems like all the bosses are so big,

and you're chopping at their feet, and they're just doing the same shit. I don't get it. You got to figure out the timing of how to get around their attacks There's no tits I don't know if there's I haven't gotten further enough into You can make your person have Actually I guess you don't

I don't know if they have a boobs They can never They never make them big enough They never make them big enough No I was looking at some of the On my stream You should watch my most recent stream

Where we were looking at some of the Resident Evil 2 mods Now we're talking Jesus fucking Christ Have you seen? Yes, I have seen those. They made her boobs so big that her arms were clipping through them

trying to hold the gun. That's what I want. Clipping tits. Once the Final Fantasy 7 nude mods really get going, I'm going to play through that entire other game. The point is...

I feel bad. I felt bad when that Tifa porn got played at the Italian Senate. Yeah. I was like, oh, I felt bad for her. For Tifa? Yeah. I was like, oh, I felt bad for her. For Tifa?

Yeah. It's like, oh, no, no. Don't look. Nobody look. Stop. No, no, no. She's a good girl. You know, she gets labeled a whore based on the way she dresses.

Oh, don't look at her. Look away. Look away from my girlfriend. You do have to gatekeep. Look, some video games. You have to gatekeep. Look, some video games. You have to gatekeep. Some games are not for all people. Yeah. And you got to go, well, if you don't like how hard it is, then it's probably just not for you.

How do we get rid of video game journalists, though? I mean, I. Because they compete to have the dumbest take. I wanted to think that. I mean, they have slowly been dying off. There was like. Yeah. Some outlets have think that, I mean, they have slowly been dying off. There was like some outlets have just disappeared, thankfully. On a long enough timeline.

I just don't think they're making enough money. I think Kotaku is right now like a what do you call it? Dying of bankruptcy? Well, I think it's like a pity. It's like they own it because they bought all of Gizmodo. Oh, okay.

It's just like we have it and we're going to try and make it profitable, but I think it has not. There's no way it's profitable. It's impossible. Based on the numbers they put up. What was your problem?

My problem is people who complain about ableist gaming, ableist activists, disabled gaming, gaming, gaming Gaming ableist activists Disabled gaming Gaming Ableist Yellers

We'll figure You'll figure it out it'll be on the site If anybody in the chat has a good name for it Okay Here's my last problem this is a long episode Too much video conferencing Yeah So COVID made everybody do zoom Right Here's my last problem. This is a long episode. Too much video conferencing. Yeah.

So COVID made everybody do Zoom, right? Mm-hmm. And then now we can't get rid of it. Like, most calls just... Most calls... Plug up the phone and go to it. You don't need to see... You definitely don't need to see 12 people. Yeah.

We didn't need that before. It doesn't enhance it doesn't enhance the experience to have to sit in a rigid position not look distracted too much not look at anybody in their eyes and just like look at them awkwardly looking to the side while they're trying to think now i hate video calls in general even one-on- one-on-one. I do not ever do that. I don't understand it. Yeah. There's some people who they go,

can I call you? And I'm like, yeah. And they go, okay. And then they like immediately video call me and I'm like, no. Why would I want to see you at your desk dicking around?

Yeah. Why do you have all your clothes on? Right. It's the middle of the day. There's this one guy tommy c on you and every time he calls he's like all right can you hop on a video call and i'm like no i mean i do for some reason but i'm like i don't know why do you want that like i know so um a study was done this is happening in court now so now because of covid now they're doing

all the like everything and can you Yeah, doing court cases and video. Doing court cases is like. You see the one where one lawyer like showed up as a dog avatar and he couldn't figure out how to turn it off. Yeah. Like, all right, we're here for the Myrtle trial of St. Jerns. And it's like, I'm sorry. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

That was a good fake name I came up with. St. Jerns? St. Jerns. Murdered somebody? Yeah. Wow. You haven't heard of the St. Jerns? St. Jerns. He's murdered somebody? Yeah. Wow. You haven't heard of the St. Jerns trial? Peer-reviewed article, so it's good.

Yeah. That systematically deconstructs Zoom fatigue. Maybe I'll call it Zoom fatigue. Too much video conferencing. Excessive amounts of close-up eye contact is highly intense. You call it excessive Zooming. Excessive zooming. So you're sitting there,

and some asshole is like, but it's like the size of your whole, it feels like he's right, like gonna kiss you on your mouth, right? Because this, your head's like that big. You know? That's a comfortable, but if you were on a screen,

if we were video conferencing, your head would be like this big. It'd be like, oh God. It's like the moon coming down on me. No.aks you out it's horrifying it's horrifying um both the amount of eye contact we engage in on video chance as well the size of the faces is unnatural in normal meetings people will very will be looking at the speaker, taking notes, or looking around. But on Zoom, everyone just looks. Yeah, what is that? Why is that?

Because if you look away, it's like you're not paying attention, right? Yeah, whoever has a conversation like this. I'm staring. Hi, Dick. That's all everybody does on... I will assert our respective cameras. Oh, yeah, so this is how we would be talking.

Or I would be looking at you on the screen Yeah talking like this we could do the whole problem like this Presenting to like it's uncomfortable anchors have like a thing to read Seeing yourself during video chat chats constantly in real time is fatiguing like you're taking a selfie No, look at how ugly you are, but at least it's only for a second. Someone who makes videos featuring himself nearly every day.

It's horrible. I have a very low self-esteem because of it. You have some left? Tiny bit. That's surprising. I keep fighting my way back. These are people trying to do work and they're seeing themselves

looking awful because that little crappy camera and because they're ugly and fat. Yeah, and they're at home so they're definitely fat. Lying around, fat pieces of shit,

tired. But now it's normal. Why do they show you yourself on the Zoom chat? It's almost like they should hide seeing yourself. Or show you like a supermodel,

like a sexy cartoon or something. Well, that's the metaverse. Like a sandwich. We need the metaverse sooner rather or something. Well, that's the metaverse. Like a sandwich. We need the metaverse sooner rather than later. No, that would be much worse. Can you imagine everyone having to meet in this crummy

3D land and you can't even like glance over? You're just in these crappy goggles? No, but then I could be like a sexy anime chick with shitting dick nipples and go, alright. Let's look at the quarterly reports. You could be on a regular anime chick with shitting dick nipples and go all right let's look at the quarterly reports you could be on a regular conference call yeah with no video looking at pornography remember no that's the way it's that's the way it should be i'm here to talk to you most phone calls i'm here to listen to you yeah i'm dialing in and i'm looking at pornography

why does your hand keep moving yeah no and you can't go to another tab and looking at pornography Why does your hand keep moving Yeah And you can't go to another tab And look at pornography Because you know that they will see you Your pupils will be dilating Looking at pornography I was doing a I have this girl I've been video chatting with

She always wants to do a video chat What do you mean Relationship Who is she What's her name She always wants to do a video chat. What do you mean? Well, it's like a lady. Relationship? Yeah, relationship. Who is she? What's her name? How do I answer that? I'm not going to give you her name.

What's her at on Twitter? What's her at? I don't even know if she has a Twitter. Good. So she doesn't know what you're up to on Twitter. No, actually, she does know what I'm up to on Twitter, and it was a whole thing. But, uh... Because of kids?

I don't know. Because she goes Why do all these people Say these horrible things About you on the internet And I go That's what my girlfriend said They hate that I speak the truth

I speak truth to power Nah you go way overboard No I don't No I don't But yeah again She's always wants to get On a video chat I go why?

I look like shit I don't want to fight I think she wants me To look at her And tell her she's pretty or something. They do. They do usually want that. It's a bit odd, though.

They just want compliments. I'm like, just send me sexy pictures of you and I'll tell you you're hot. Don't get on video chat. Who would want that? Her, I guess. I don't fucking know. My nephews always want to get on video chat. I'm like, come on, guys.

Yeah. I want to be walking around when I'm on video chat. Right. I don't want to be like- I when I'm on video chat. Right. I don't want to be like sitting there in a fucking box. It's uncomfortable. I can't loosen up. It's not the same as being in like, yeah. You really can't.

Yeah. Because you have to like, instead of just moving your brain and your mouth, you're like, ooh. Oh. How do I look right now? Is it weird that I'm holding two drinks? If I scratch my nuts, will they all see? Video chats dramatically reduce our usual mobility.

Oh, yeah. In person, in audio conversations, people walk around more. But with video conferencing, most cameras have a set. I love to walk around when I talk. That's most of my phone conversations is a walk and talk. You have to. Yeah, it keeps your brain loose and active. Meaning a person has to stay in the same spot. Movement is limited in to. Yeah, it keeps your brain loose and active. Meaning a person

has to stay in the same spot. Movement is limited in ways. Yeah, there you go. Four, the cognitive load is much higher in video chats. Regular face-to-face interactions. Non-verbal communication

is quite natural. So we're together, everything's more natural. But on video, you're like, I don't know what to... There's a disconnect. Yeah.

We have to work harder to send and receive signals. You have to go like, you have to look like a clown. You have to go like, oh, wow, that's interesting. I absolutely agree with that information. Yeah.

I wonder what this is rooted in. I would never touch kids. I feel like workplaces always want this weird level of control that they don't need. They just feel like they need it for some reason. But they all want to do it, too. Yeah. Like, they all... Well, I have to see that you're there, because you might be fucking around.

It's like, yeah, I'm... But the second this call stops... No, it comes from the bottom, too. Because they're like, well, I want to be on so they can see that I'm not fucking around. Like, I don't need any of it. None of i want to be on so they can see that i'm not fucking around like i don't need any of it none of us need to be on video you ever had an employer try to put like productivity tracking software on your computer no i i did what was it it was basically it took a screenshot of your desktop every 20 minutes to make sure you were working on something and i was like all right because was it random i was like you guys right, but you guys, was it random? I was like, you guys are going to see a lot of pornography.

No, I would just, you can go working. Uh, it was for the company I was working for. I don't know why they asked me to do it. And then I basically, I stopped after like two, I was like,

guys, I'm just not going to do this. Cause you could go in and you could delete it. Like, uh, screen, like snapshots. If you thought they were like incriminating or had like personal information on them or

something. Yeah. I'm just like, all right, well, I walked, I looked at porn for two hours. So ding, ding you thought they were, like, incriminating or had, like, personal information on them or something. Yeah. I'm just like, all right, well, I looked at porn for two hours, so ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, that one, that one, that one. And then I eventually was like, guys, this is retarded. Let me just, you know, tell you my hours. What do you care? I never thought that we would get video conferencing in, like, video calls. Like, the future, we always, you know, in the future, we'll have, like, video calls.

That always seemed like a nightmare to me. I kind of want to be video calling people. And it is a nightmare. And now we're here and it happened. It was a slippery slope. It's a fucking nightmare. I think it was this,

they said, well, our cameras will let us video chat with each other. And you said, I feel like this is a slippery slope. This is a slippery slope. All right.

That's my problem. How slippery it is. Too much video conferencing. Gamer, somebody gave us a good problem. How slippery it is. Too much video conferencing. Gamer dis- Somebody gave us a good one. Crybaby gamer activists. Crybaby gamer activists. Okay.

We'll see if we stick with that. Mine was- The other one was indoctrinating children. Mine is the slippery slope fallacy. Fallacy. Fallacy. Okay.

Let's do some voicemails. Let's do some voicemails. Let's see see we missed one from frode or whatever oh we did yeah do you know frode i do not know here's the thing about stepmoms oh i love to fuck okay bitches need to get fucked all right i fuck bitches until they're retarded okay and if my stepmom came into my room bitching, I know exactly how to shut that bitch up. Oh.

And cuck my bitch-ass dad. Does that make sense? I guess. He wants to cuck his bitch-ass dad. Not really. I want to say to Frode, I saw your complaint that we missed your voice. I thought he did something for the show, like music or something. Frode? Yeah.

Maybe. I don't fucking know. Oh, we also have to give a shout out to Travis Touchdown. Kitten Fiddlers. Thank you, Travis. Your thumbnails have been... I never email him back when he sends the thumbnails and I feel bad. Me too. I'm always too I should respond with, hey, great

thumbnail, buddy. Instead of like, oh god, got to fucking get this thing out. I got to think, like, no, you have to say, like, something specific that you liked about this one. I really like that you did this and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It's like a whole thing. No, but all the thumbnails have been great, I feel. Holy fuck, Dick.

Stunt tips are the greatest invention you've ever come up with. Better than anything I've ever heard on the bonus episodes. Stunt tips. come up with better than anything I've ever heard on the bonus episodes stunt tits and the plan about making them like not as attractive as the actresses tits even better because there's an incentive to show her tits either way I'm seeing tits on the screen everyone's happy

she's not happy Vito deep faking their tits is also a good solution but Dix gets more enthusiasm because he said it just Just before yours. Anyways. Guys love the show. Go fuck yourselves.

Thanks. Someone told me that they did use stunt tits. On Game of Thrones. That at one point. They did. Had a stand in. For the Khaleesi. On one of the Howard Stern.

Like. Videotapes that he sold. Yeah. For like 60 bucks. Robin showed her tits. But it wasn't Robin. No. It was this chick. This white chick. With gigantic tits but it wasn't Robin no it was this chick

this white chick with gigantic tits that they black painted it was black black faced tits was it like clearly noticeable on the video

or was it like years later yeah and then they laughed no no no they made a whole big deal about how it wasn't wow look at those yeah Robin's like

oh Howard tits were huge, though. We've got to find out who that actress was. I've got to get all those old VHSs. Classic Howard Stern was good. That was good porn. He did good work. Hey, guys.

The biggest problem in the universe, please, please include the fat pandemic soon. I am in the pickup line to pick up my daughter from school and I'm looking at the three teachers out here here for teachers, for average people smoking fucking hot. I'd give them

and I have 30 pounds since Thanksgiving. So I'm going to, I think I could safely assume that, let's see, one of the greens probably gained 20. All the teachers are gaining weight. It's COVID, man. I'd probably say 35.

That's been so bad. And then the one flagging the cars, solid 50 fucking pounds. 50 pounds. Solid door dash, man. And it's gross, and I don't like it, and I'd like to be able to jerk off at him again. Yeah. We're going to make it happen.

We're going to fix these ones. I went to a bar crawl last night, and it was like every Latino shit. Fatties? Like Tweedledee, Tweedledum. Wow. Wow. Like Magellan was sailing around. Yeah.

Hey, so I was listening to the most recent show, and you guys were talking about the whole thing with the fucking incest-borne shit. Yeah. And I realized that, like, hey, one of the things you guys are probably missing on it is the fact that, like, in addition to them acting like normal people,

they tend to also, like, dress and put on makeup like normal people. So, for example, like, my wife is, like, pretty on the petite side people so for example like my wife's like pretty on the petite side she's like 120 pounds or some shit right and so when you look at normal porn if you try to say hey i'm searching for a petite chick right it shows a bunch of fucking 12 year olds or some gross ass shit right whereas if you look at oh i'm looking for some petite they call her a daughter but she looks like a normal woman.

You're right. She's not fat as shit. And so I think that's really the biggest difference for me in how I fucking look at it. Anyways, I figured I'd just call and let you know, hey, that's why I look at it. Not because I'm a particular weird dog shit. So he does look at it. But because I'm a fucking normal looking bitch. I think you want to fuck your mom.

I don't know, 200 fucking pounds. Huh. So he's saying that the actresses are older but dress younger? No, he's saying that if you look for, like, small girl porn... Yeah. You'll only get back, like, girls who are weirdly looking like jailbait. Yeah. But this gives you petite actresses who look of age?

Yeah, like normal women this is very complicated dick but it's i don't think it exists i don't think it excuses the proliferation well no of course pornography uh here we go hey dick and veto uh so i'm calling you on march 14th what makes me what what's uh what what is the biggest problem in my opinion? Yeah, get it right. I spent years training everybody out of that. Coming up with holidays. March 14th.

Did you know that the first three digits of the decimal expansion of pi is 314? That makes March 14th Pi Day. It's Pi Day. It's Pi Day. It's Pi Day. Yeah. Pretty cool, right? That is pretty cool. Three digits of Pi.

Do you know March 10th is Mario Day? Here's another one that just happened. Mario Day. Did you know if you take the first three letters of the month of March and then put the number 10 after it, it kind of looks like the name Mario? Mario Day. That's why March 10th is Mario Day. I wonder if we'll name the other one. Here's another one.

Did you know that if you pronounce the word force with a list... May the force. ...you don't have one, and then say May the force... May the force. Be with you. ...it kind of sounds like May the force. Yeah. Yeah.

That's Star Wars. Why do fucking nerds have to come up with these fucking stupid holidays? One after another, they come up with them. Because we have nothing to do. I'm so bored. Because we got to, like, oh, it is a marketing thing. Some idiot came up with it, but then marketing idiots latched onto it and started taking advantage. You got to have something, man.

What do we have? When did they have the international talk like a pirate day? I don't know. Yeah, we got to have something. What, do you just want to celebrate Christmas forever? Maybe they should switch it up, though. We should invent more crazy holidays. How about cynical asshole day?

Yeah. Force yourself to watch scat porn day. You know? Just come up with some crazy ones. You got to watch one minute Of chicks shitting on each other Okay Let's read the super chats Let's do it

Rich F Is that from today? No no no Let me scroll down Super chats You know that I love all the super chats Thanks everybody for coming by Oh not that many

Probably because the stream cut out That's alright Pervy Light Ghost for $20. Wow. Zawa says, biggest problem in the universe is trying to watch a live stream, but the connection keeps getting effed. Sorry.

Rich F for 10 says, Vito, you're my favorite part of the biggest problem in the universe. And I'm so glad to have you as a guest host. Thank you, Rich F. It's a long chat for 10 bucks. It's a long chat for 10 bucks. It's a long chat for 10 bucks.

And he just went on a big, long spiel and did not say horrible, disparaging things about me. Mike Hunt for five says, I'm really enjoying Vito's grouchy smurf voice when he's mocking people he disagrees with. Yeah. Is that what I'm doing? Grouchy smurf? I hate video games. Video games are the worst. I do a pretty good one.

Mike Hunt for five, A call from the other show Explained incest porn perfectly The appeal is They are doing something shameful Regular porn Doesn't have shame anymore Yeah I think we talked about that Yeah

But there's other shameful You know Put a No but they Put a dog collar on a woman And slapping her around Is a little Not that they won't act like it

Yeah If you say If you tell them They're fucking their brother, they'll be like, oh, wow, I shouldn't be doing this. They get into it immediately. You might be right. Mr. Drunkass says, please split my $2 evenly.

Thanks. Done. Done. Well, we'll split that one right down the middle, buddy. Purvy Like Ghost suggests for five, the crybaby gamer activist. That might be what we go with. Crybaby gamer activist. And Penalco, the driving ape for one Canadian dollar, go suggest for five the cry baby gamer activists that might be what we go with cry baby gamer

activists and pinalco the driving ape for one canadian dollar sends a poop emoji thank you very much i didn't know you could do that i didn't know you could do that either i hope we don't get a lot of dollars with poops no no i don't that i i see any amount of support is beautiful even it is poop related the point is guys you can vote on the problems at biggest problem dot show patreon.com slash biggest problem we're gonna do a bonus episode next week next week let's do a bonus episode bye everybody thanks guys