The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 41

Episode Date: May 22, 2022

Self-Aggrandizing Memorial Tributes, Backseat Googlers, Shitty Self-Checkout Lanes

One of my ears was blown out forever from, like, playing. I played in bands before I did comedy and, like, metal bands. Oh, wow. Like, down-tuned new metal stuff. And so I played on the right side of the stage. So this year, no good. Done. This year, perfect.

So you sleep with your girlfriend or your wife on that side of you? Yeah. The deaf side? Yes, I do. Put her on the deaf side. All right. Are we ready? I think we're ready to go.

You know, remember how you said that I should mark the one that I fixed? Yeah. And I told you to go fuck yourself. Did you not? And I didn't mark it and I didn't delete the bad one. So now there's a 50 50 chance. No. Are you feeling lucky?

I feel like I'm going to let you feel lucky. You top. Are you a top or a bottom? That's what I'm going to go with. I'm a station. I'm a bottom. Are you feeling lucky? Josh, I'm going to let you pick. I feel lucky. Are you a top or a bottom? That's what I'm going to go with. I'm a bottom. You're a bottom. Okay, let's see. That was the correct one. Was it?

All right. Ooh. Biggest problem in the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe! The only show that ranks every problem in the universe! From phony autism to Disney's logism? I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining me as always is Vito Giswaldi. Wow, Dick, I'm so excited to be here.

And special guest this week, the man who did not attend Road Rage LA as he's known, Josh Denny. The Food Network. The man of principle. The man who gets canceled. The Food Network's own Josh Denny is here, everyone. Yes, please continue to let them know. They stand by their man.

Yes. Food Network stands by Josh Denny. They do. Please continue to let them know. Speaker 0 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 42, 45, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 41, 42, 45, 46, 47, 49, 42, 45, 48, 49, 42, 45, 48, 50, 51, 51, 52, 51, 52, 52, 53, 52, 53, 54, 54, 55, 55, 56, 56, 57, 58, 59, 51, 52, 55, 56, 57, 59, 52, 53, 56, 57, 58, 59, 52, 55, 56, 58, 59, 52, 55, 56, 58, 59, 51, 52, 55, 59, 52, 55, 56, 59, 52, 55, 56, 59, 52, 55, 56, 59, 52, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 56, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 55, 56, 56, 56, 56, 56, 56, 57, 57, 57, 57, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58, 58,

59, 59, 59, 59, 60, 60, 61, 61, 62, 61, 62, 62, 62, 62, 62, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 64, 62, 62, 62, 62, 63, 63, 64, 64, 64, 64, 65, 65, 65, 65, 67, 68, 68, go, listen, if you don't like what this guy says about the blacks and the unborn babies, no. See, if I was you, I would just maybe food network is not the place for you. The rest of my career would be devoted to going on comedy stages, wearing a food network hat and shirt and saying the most ridiculous, horrific things I possibly could just go. I don't know if black people have souls. By the way, watch my show on Food Network. Plenty of good reruns out there. I've listened to a lot of racist commentary and comedy.

I've never heard that one. You've never heard black people don't have souls? I'm sure someone out there is saying it. That's supposed to be the Reddit people. You're culturally appropriating. Most black people only have soul. That's true. They have more soul than the average individual. Maybe sprinkle in some punctuality and some professionalism.

Oh, my God. No, no. Those are white supremacy traits. They are. They are. You always see they give, what do you call it, traits of white something or other. Oh, yeah. Where they try to give you a lecture about, like, you know, white people think being on time is important.

White people think like this. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. White people think like this. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I know that. Diversity is a strange beast.

At that Chappelle show, as it went along, as the fog of fun started to grow in the crowd, it turned into, like, a satirical rave and then an actual rave. I swear to God, I thought it was going to start. I thought it was going to turn into like a church. Yeah. Like with a gospel choir singing and a reverend.

I was ready for it. At the bowl, did you go? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't the same night he got attacked though, right? No. Like two nights.

No, it wasn't. I wish it was the same night. I know. I'd have run up there in a horse. You would have helped out. I'm sure. Just run up there with your sign. We likeave you know what i tried to bring i this is so pathetic uh i brought my sign to bring it in thinking that i would just give like a you know yeah we're just like you know get a little thing going but right right at the gate it says no signs

and i was like well that's uh that's obvious yeah right why did you what you should have done is hit it in a replica gun so and then you would have gotten it in no problem so i i rolled the sign up and i put it in the sleeve of my jacket because that's how i smuggle beers into like theaters you tie the end of your jacket sleeve and just fill it with beers right so i rolled this sign up put it in the sleeve. And I'm trying to nonchalantly carry this. And my girlfriend goes, you know, that kind of looks like a gun. And I said, I'm aboard. I'm going back to the car.

This was dumb. This was dumb. How far did you have to walk back to the car? Was it a whole thing? That's the part that's, you're like, oh, this walking. Tell me more about this walking. For the Hollywood. I got to be honest with you.

I think the concern that you and I have for the walks to cars might be might be the biggest problem. It's a it's an inconvenience. Yeah. OK. Have you I got to ask you this because I've done it. I'll admit it. Have you ever based on the walk back to your car been like, I'm not going back to the event thing and you just go home? I'm sure that has happened in some respect. I can't remember when.

Where you're just like, I'm not going back. I'm just like, oh, God, I parked way too far. Too many times to remember. I'm sure. Where I'm just like, I don't like those people enough to walk all the way back there. You're already back at the car. I'm already back at the car. Are you a big Uber scooter guy?

Do you take those lines back to your car? No, I don't take scooters. No. Oh. Because it Uber scooter guy? Do you take those lines back to your car? No, I don't take scooters. No. Oh, because it's too funny? Yeah. Oh, no, I do do the scooters. You see me on a scooter.

You should pull me over and rape me to death if you see me on one of those things. No, I am the fat guy who parks too far away, and then you see me on the Lime scooter going, do-do-do-do-do-do. You do that? Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I don't pop along. I can't do the scooters. Somehow I've never eaten shit on one of those things.

Oh, you guys are going to love this. I just today got a handicap parking placard for my arm. Legit. Park wherever you want. Say whatever you want. Do whatever you want. Does that have some sort of limit on it? For behavior?

No. No, but I'm saying, like, do you got to check in every six months for behavior? Like, do I have to act like I'm handicapped? Yeah. Exactly. My dad, my dad thinks that the handicap placard extends beyond the parking lot. Yeah. My dad will pull into a, well, the funniest thing is when I, when I had to get these glasses, like new glasses, it was a year ago and I was out with him and he goes, I'll take you to the, to the glasses place. Don't worry. Like he's getting me into like VIP treatment. He pulls it. He parks in and he kept me walks in. They go, sir, do you have an appointment? He goes, nah. And they go, you need an appointment.

And he's like, I'm seeing your citizen. You can't just see me now. And they go, no, we're booked out. It's a pandemic. We're booked out three months in advance. What are you saying? I think sometimes that probably does work. It just depends where you're going. I'm a senior citizen. Probably at the local breakfast nook. He goes, that's my fucking table. Yeah. When you're old, when you're old, you expect everything. Yeah. You just, they, they, they start to get a little cocky. They're just like, yeah, I'm old. What are you going to do? Check this out.

Yeah. No. Well, like when I'm old, I'm definitely going to steal all the time, right? Yeah. Because it's like, what are they going to do? Put you in jail for being an old guy who's like stealing candy and shit? They'll put you in the fucking cloud, man. That's what they're going to do.

You won't even, you won't even understand. They'll put you on the blockchain. Oh no. I like that you think that, I like that you think that the world is creating an environment where people like you and I ever become elderly. No, no, no. We're going to get there. It's all going to work out. Don't you know that monkey pox is going to get us before we turn 40?

No, no, no. We're going to be fine. I have no corpulence or whatever the hell that term is. It's called health. Yeah. It's on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Yeah, exactly. Did you see that?

I saw that big fat lady. Jordan Peterson doesn't like it. You're going to turn around on vaccination real quick, Vito, when they're like, you've got to suck this monkey's dick to stay alive. I'll suck the monkey dick. I just want to get out of here. You would. I just want to have fun.

All right, hit it. What do we got? Who's the winner? Fake neurodivergence. Boom. Winner, this guy. Always. What do you think about fake kids saying that they're neurodivergent?

The kids are fake? Yeah, no. Artificial children? Artificial children. Yeah, what do you think about artificial children? I think we should have them. I think if the pedos need something, we should, you know, let's appease them. It would stop a lot of work.

Is it okay to delete the artificial children? They're begging. They're saying no. Yeah. Well, you know, when does- Supreme Court 2052. When does a cyborg become, you know, a sentient, really? I mean, because to me, it's just a clump of circuits.

And I'm at home going, it doesn't work. The fucking, it doesn't work ever. What are they arguing about? Clenching too tight on my, is that what we're talking about? Prostate. Yeah. The robotic ethics have come up on this show before for some reason. No, I hate it.

No, I do a bit in my act now where I talk about the fact that that's when I knew that white privilege was over. It was when black people started faking mental illness. Like, oh, my anxiety. Talk to your grandfather. I bet he's got some stories about anxiety. He had some severe depression. My granddaughter says

she's had anxiety. I guess they keep shooting fire hoses at her on her way to work every day you know well i brought up recently in an argument because i don't know if this is getting too in the weeds but you know how uh the trans community they're like well the only reason the suicide rates are so high is because you know society is so mean to us and i'm like so shouldn't black people be killing themselves like crazy based on that logic of people being mean to you? I'm like, oh, yeah. Or fat people.

If it's all societal. Or women. Shouldn't they have the highest rates of depression and whatever else? Dick's like, I think it means we need to be meaner to them. I think they're just a very resilient people. Anyway, I won, and that's what's important. You won. And then number two, intellectual property laws.

Yeah. Wow. Even though I argued against them. I don't think IP laws should exist at all. I think they just protect big companies like Disney. They just acquire IP, and then you just have to watch their shit constantly. I never understood the concept of, like, patenting an idea. It's sort of like, I could go make this, but I don't have the

technical capability, the financial amount of money to put into it, or even the desire to work at it. But I thought of it one time. You have to have something. So my kids should. No one else can use this idea that I had. I thought of a thing one time, and I believe I deserve

generational wealth. You gotta put a little bit of work into a patent. You gotta have like what, like a proof of concept or something? I invented the telephone. What about all the electricity and shit? Other guys did that, but this is part of its mind. You can't just say my idea is a pill that cures cancer and then patent it. You have to have an actual

pill that cures cancer or something along that line. But patents are different than like IP. Like IP genuinely is like a car that flies and they're just like, how does it work? And they go, you guys will figure that line. But patents are different than like IP. Like IP genuinely is like a car that flies. And they're just like, how does it work? And they go, you guys will figure that out. But when you do, I get 12% in perpetuity. Then 3D technology.

Do you like 3D movies? No. That should have been way higher. That's bullshit. All those 3D movies are shit. It's the name that you picked. 3D technology. 3D movies?

Yeah, 3D movies are bad. But it the name that you picked. 3D technology. 3D movies? Yeah, 3D movies are bad. But it also includes those shitty theme park rides and shit. That's true. Yeah. No. Would you like to wear a pair of glasses through this film that makes it feel like you're only seeing it through your peripheral vision? Yeah, and it hurts.

Yeah. Although people were telling me that it's because you're fat. And I'm like, I don't think that's the reason it sucks. You don't know that, though. I think it sucks for skinny people, too. I don't know. You guys are just having these awesome 3D movie experiences. Let's be real.

I've never had a skinny person 3D movie experience. I'll never know what that's like. So if you skinny people are loving 3D movies, let me know. Yeah, we put them on. We just see a kaleidoscope. Like Cthulhu? And in Dead Last. And Bluetooth in Dead Last. Fuck that. Hans von Straddle says

I'd like to see Vito defend pharmaceutical companies owning the IP for drugs. It's one of the big reasons drug prices are so bad in America. Well, go ahead. They put in the money to develop the drug. They wouldn't have spent time researching and developing it if there was no reward at the end of the other side of the tunnel. But how do you know that?

Why would they develop a drug if the second they develop the drug, everybody gets it to make it for the same exact price? Because they can keep it a secret and get a jump on everybody. How much of a jump can you have once the drug's out there? And you've got to be like, here's exactly how to make it. It's like, why wouldn't you just sit around and wait for another company to develop the drug? And then the second it comes out, the copycat drug company. People are working on new kinds of hot dogs. They're like, oh, here's like a hot dog with marshmallows on it.

Yeah, because there's not a- Patenting that and people still do it. Because there's not a huge, I mean, if that becomes popular, then everyone will make hot dogs with marshmallows, okay? So you don't need to... Everybody will make those. I'm saying that's a niche fucking thing, but a cancer-curing drug, like, everybody is going to need it. They're going to buy it from the one place.

Yeah, okay, so here's the reality. Regardless, you're paying for the price to develop it. Here's the reality. You develop a diabetes drug, every other big pharmaceutical company will develop a shittier version and then they will all just market to morons and will blanket ads on every cable station they send an army of hot 26 year olds to every doctor's office to push their pill yeah that's the system we have they all still have the same product. They tend to dump extra R&D on it. But they have to pay in order to

license the drug from whoever killed it first. No, they made their own. There's so many molecules. They make their own molecule and then they go shill that. Even if it's not as good. They just push it with marketing dollars. Look, I'm not saying the intersection of capitalism and medicine is a perfect thing, but I think that's a bad

argument against patents. Are you for like socialized medicine, Dick? No. I think that's a bad argument against patents are you are you for like socialized medicine dick no you don't you know you think poor people should die like you know I hate poor people yeah get rid of them if you can't afford to live get the out of here uh that's the least offensive thing of my money being spent on yeah it's like a list of illnesses that we can cover and then like, well, we're out of money. Yeah. So let's rank the illnesses and then we'll start paying for them.

And then, oh, we hit like LASIK. We can't afford that for everybody. So you're on your own. Yeah, I think there should be. I think like it should extend to like, you know, something that's sort of like out of your control. Like if you get like. Cancer. Leukemia.

Yeah. Right. Which is a form of cancer. Or an erection. Right. You know, form of or an erection. Yeah. You should be able to get that. You should handle that yourself. I mean, I'm the kind of person like I'd have to get shot to go to the hospital. And even then I would probably spend 20 minutes Googling like home bullet wound remedies.

Yeah. Just because I'm like tampon. I just don't want to deal with tampon. That's true. Okay. I think they do do that. Bob Genus says, I think they do do that. Um, Bob genus says, I remember joining a discord server. My friend showed me in their roles section. It said, pick your mental illness. If I wanted to be part of a padded room squad,

I'd go to an asylum. That's what the kids are doing. Well, everyone has to lead with identity now. So if you know, that's, that's mental illness is literally like white kids equalizer. They go, what do you know about struggle? And they go, do you know what's going on up here? Yeah. Yeah. I hate everything. I'm depressed and I'm anxious.

And it's pretty much like being gay and black. And everyone else is like, is it? That's why we got this word clear now. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I guess the sexual identity isn't exciting enough anymore. You got to pair it up now with the mental illness. Yeah, that's one of my...

You got to be a gay autist or a homosexual. Well, now it's like... What else do they got? Now it's like... Schizophrenic. If you were gay, that was like a thing before. And now you got to be gay plus in terms like in terms of like Hollywood marketability or whatever. It's like Pokemon type lines.

Like when you look and your stat screen for Pokemon, it's like, oh, it's a flying fire type. You're a neurotic homosexual Jew. And now you got all your types. Yeah. Go fight all the other ones. Yeah. Like if you're a gay. Someone needs to make that game, by the way.

If you're a gay, but you're also a white dude that cancels each other out. Yeah. Yeah. Gay enough. Nothing cancels each other out. Yeah. It's not gay enough. Nothing cancels out white dude at this point. Nothing. You mean in a good way. Yeah, he's saying it cancels out the gayness. Yeah, yeah.

Like, if you're a white dude, that strikes away. I'm saying to the diversity people. Yes. Oh, you're cursed. Yeah, once you're a white guy, you could be, like, super duper gay. It doesn't even count anymore. No, you can be trans. That's the move.

Yeah, but then you're not a white guy anymore. You're a white lady. You're a white lady. You're a white lady. Like you. Like me. Who smartly jumped the gun and got a California ID that identifies me as a female. That's good. That's fantastic. Did you really do that? Yes. Go to the DMV and check a box.

It takes like half a half a minute. God damn. If we all do it, something might happen. They can't stop us. DeVito Giswaldi's stock in my world this week. We went to a memorial

together on Monday, and then now I find that out. He's just skyrocketing. I'm just saying, if all of you do it with me, it will inherently highlight the flaw in the system, but regardless. Did you plan you coming to this show at a memorial service?

No, no, no. We were talking about it a little ahead of time. Before the memorial service. You were networking at the memorial service? No, no, no. No, no, no. We actually were probably the only people not networking at the memorial service. Oh, no. I had a guy try to get me on a show. He's like, oh, maybe I can book you on my

show. Here's what happened. If you want to hear how awful the L.A. comedy scene is, we went to a memorial for a friend of ours who was a gamer and a comic. Is this going to be your problem or no? It can be. Should we save it? It's going to be your problem first.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Arkin Knightman says Vito is the heart of the show, so take it away. I am the heart of the show. You're the big winner. Well, I wanted to mention one thing before we get started. Maybe I should save it for the end. I don't know. But Dick, are you aware of what today's date is?

5-20? 5-20. Is it acid day? No. Like weed day? Oh. But it has been, Dick, one year since the biggest problem in the universe showed up. Our first show was recorded on the 22nd of May and posted on the 25th.

So we're off by like two days. Congratulations on one great year of podcasting. Oh, wow. That's incredible. Isn't that incredible? Now, we haven't done... Congratulations to the audience. This is for the audience.

It's big. I love crashing people's anniversaries. Hopefully we'll have more to come. I feel like we could reach a certain... I don't know how many episodes we could go for. 80, 100, maybe 107.

Somewhere around there. We'll see many episodes we go for. 80, 100, maybe 107. Somewhere around there. We'll see how long we go. I'm picking up on this. But it's an exciting year. Have you planned your betrayal of me yet? Or have I planned my betrayal of you? I've been planting little seeds. Have you been taking notes of all the things I'm saying

that can be taken out of context? You might find some cameras around the house. Just ignore them and go about your business. That's going to be part of the big expose. Why are there plants everywhere? I can't believe we've been going for a year already. Yeah. Wow.

We did, what, three test shows, you know, which we counted as episodes. And started off, what, biweekly. Quickly, the fans demanded a weekly show. And as soon as we will have a daily show that is incorrect. 5,000 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 It's all I got going. Listen, I'm like that guy who invested in something that looked like it was going south. And then daddy Elon is about to make me look like a genius because I follow Jordan Peterson off of Twitter. I've hung in on Twitter through all of it. And, and, and, and, and, and, you know, if he, if he flips it for us, then I look like a genius.

That's going to be a dark day. Yeah. Oh, for those journalists and women. Oh, baby. If he unbans my old account, it's going to be a weird time. And I just want to say, if you guys think I've been bad on Twitter so far, you just fucking wait. I have no idea. I have a box in my closet that I locked all my slurs in. The second that deal passes, it's going to be like the Ark of the Covenant.

We'll see. He says he's backing out. You know what's weird, though, is like I've invented my own slurs that are not that bad, but nobody even knows what I mean, and I'll just be out talking with people in social If you've invented your own slurs, that might be bad. Yeah. It might be even worse than just using the normal ones. Yeah.

I just hate this group so much that no word that i have access to well it's really like a shorthand i have with my girlfriend where it's like we'll refer to people and it'll be like you know so and so maria and she goes oh yeah the thick back broad it's like you know she's a real chugger as we say yeah so it's like you know and you know what's funny dick is i said thick back and you know what's funny, Dick, is I said thick back and you know exactly what I'm talking about, right? It's a lady. She's on the corner at a table slicing al pastor. Yeah. And she's, you know, she's a little.

All of the weight is somehow on her back like a backpack. More to the back. And I assume it's from sawing. That lady in the swimsuit. She's got that. The one that scared Jordan Peterson off Twitter. Okay. Oh, God.

Don't make me think about that woman. I thought she looked good. Why don't you give me a drum roll, Dick? Dick, I got five words. I got six words that everyone hates to hear. Unexpected item in the bagging area. My problem is shitty self-checkouts shitty self-check i want all right now let's be clear i support the roboticization of the future great i love the idea that i can go

to a store buy horrific items that i would normally be ashamed to purchase in mass and just just buy them and no one can judge me or only God can judge me as they say. Okay. But why, why is the self checkout experience just still suck? The other, like the other day I'm at a Sprouts, the grocery store, getting some stuff, getting some, uh, you know, food, got a salad. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. A salad? I got a salad. I didn't know they put it in the bins where you just pull the chute.

It was like a prepared salad. I got a couple other things. Did you see the salad or is it just dressing? The dressing is in a separate package. Anytime a fat guy says he goes to the grocery store, I expect someone's going to roast me. I got some good things. So anytime a fat guy says he goes to the grocery store, I expect someone's going to roast me. I got some good.

Well, you bring that salad. Like, you know. Hey, sprouts is a good. I got a sprouts too. Sprouts is pretty good. I'm not going to be able to afford it soon. But I get a melon. I get a small melon.

You know, they have like watermelons, but they're not like a full melon. It's like a Japanese looking thing. It's like a bowling ball. Yeah. It's supposed to be $4. Okay. Go to the self-checkout. They're like, what are you getting? Because it's produce. I go yeah it's supposed to be four dollars okay go to the self-checkout they're like what are you getting because it's produce i go i'm getting a watermelon

they go oh well that'll be eight dollars i'm like oh i put in the wrong watermelon because there's like three or four different types on there yeah i'm like that's fine i'll just cancel it out no no no no no you can't do that the machine is like whoa the fucking alarms are going off. It's like, you're going to need an attendant to cancel that out. I'm like, you can't trust me to say, oh, I put the wrong thing in, just cancel it myself. So I'm like, all right, fine. Look around for the attendant.

She's fucking off doing something. She's like stocking bread or some shit. She's the reason they have the robots. Well, that's the thing. We have the robot to supposedly make this easier. All this bitch has to do is sit there and wait for the robot to fuck up and help me. And even that, I can't trust that part of the system. Yeah.

So I end up stealing $40 worth of groceries rather than wait for the lady. Yeah. Well, that's- You're either smart enough to work it or you're smart enough to steal it. There's no in between. My favorite thing ever is to just stand there and go, get it. Because what they're banking on, here's my theory, they're banking on you won't say anything. You'll just be passive aggressive white guy who's too afraid to look stupid and you'll pay $8 for the $4.

There are people who do that. Right? So you got to counter that presumption of stupidity with horrible theft. Right. Yeah. Well, I don't know how they're not losing crazy amounts of money on these things because some studies have said up to 25% of shoppers admit to having stolen from the self checkout. And a lot of the time it is because they go, well, if the machine's screwed up, that's the machine's fault. I'm not really... It justifies theft.

I think it's rewiring us to become thieves. We should steal from these companies. I see all that shoplifting stuff that's going on. Every time it happens to a mom and pop business, it's like, that's horrible. They should be shot right so the mom pops somebody breaks in your store and your mom pops or payday blah blah blah right yeah but if it's a cvs or a target yeah just rob them yes but that's the but then you mean fuck them and the only benefit of the self-checkout is that it just made shoplifting easier that's the rest, it has made life so easy.

I always get stuck behind some Chinese grandma who can't figure it out. Or you who can't figure it out. No, I can figure it out. I put in melon and I should just be able to cancel it myself. I swear to God, if I'm ever behind you in the store and the Chinese woman come over and go, you gotta press two, then four,

I'm gonna smash your watermelon. No, no, no, no, no, no. I get through it like a champ. Why are you going through it with produce? It doesn't work for produce. It's an option. Well, at the grocery store, the produce is an option. Yeah, and it weighs it.

It weighs it. And you've got to select the item. Yeah, it weighs it. That's the other thing that sucks. That's why it has that unexpected item in bagging here. Why don't they just go by weight of all fruit? Is the weight of the apple that much? the item. Yeah, it weighs it. That's the other thing that sucks. That's why it has that unexpected item in bagging here, because there's this constant weight system going. Is the weight of the apple that much? Yeah, well,

no, because a kumquat is rarer than an apple, so a bag of apples is like two bucks. Okay. And a kumquat is a bunch, but that's how you get the system. You gotta say you're getting potatoes when you're really getting mangoes. Yeah, if you ever fuck up on a self-checkout, you be permanently banned like face recognition no you're so you

walk over there and they just shut down like like will like close up shot like no you gotta go you're done you fucked up too much three strikes and you're out but they should just have less bullshit like why does it care what's in the bagging area? Just trust that I know how to scan the item. Because I don't like to, I've now gotten in the habit where I take the shopping bag and I won't put it in the bagging area at all. I'll fill up the shopping bag one item at a time. Okay.

Because otherwise the fucking weight thing goes off every time. It's like, I don't know. I don't think that's what cream cheese weighs. I need to call this lady over to make sure that that's actually cream cheese. So I just go skip bagging, skip bagging. But then they have it set up where if you skip bagging too many times, that sets off the fucking trigger and they go, why is this motherfucker

not bagging anything? And they bring a fucking lady over anyway. This system has too many checks and balances. They should accept, yes, that some people are going to shoplift. They should let you eyeball it. Like how much do you think these groceries cost? Kind of 80 bucks.

I guess I just want them to admit that, yes, we've done this as a cost-saving measure to get rid of employees, so you're allowed to steal a couple things and we're not going to be that big a dick about it. But that's why, to Dick's point, you have to steal because you have to make it an economically challenging decision for them to not pay people. Right. No, it is true.

Not only do you have to steal, but you have to vandalize stuff too. Permanent damage. Yeah. And do crimes. You have to break the machines. No, like rape in the parking lot. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, what's the melon for then?

The melon is not for rape. Oh, my God. Look, I got a couple stats here. Just saying, when I fuck, I like a little bit of melon. The idea of the self-checkout is making people fat, Dick. In a 2004 experiment, McDonald's found that customers using self-service kiosks would prefer to supersize their meals because they're not worrying about, again, that judgment from the person behind the counter. So you go to McDonald's normally, you wouldn't just go, I would like 10 Big Macs because

you're worried you're going to be judged. You know what? But if it's a computer, there's no shame anymore. We've removed the human element of shame from shopping. As a man with a McDonald's tramp stamp and a nice set of tits, I'm gonna argue with you here. What do you mean? This has not reigned you in? If anything, the McDonald's service

has led to chaos. It's not the shame. Because what it does is it shows you the pricing of both and you go, well, for 20 cents more I'm gonna fucking... I might as well get an extra 12 nuggets. I'm gonna... Yeah, of course I'm gonna get six more big macs. No, because then you start digging into it.

It used to be you would never. I do things with the McDonald's app that is frankly like should be against the rules right here. Where did you know you can split the screen on your phone? Do you split it with like Pornhub and your McDonald's? I'm going into the burger option. I'm going, wait, I can add a second patty for only 20 cents. Where if I then double up, we're removing the human element from purchasing, which is bad.

You ever make a double quarter pounder like a Big Mac? Yeah, it's horrific. It's not necessary. What is that? None of it's necessary. I guess that's really my bigger. Wait, what is a double quarter pounder? Like a big Mac? You literally put another piece of bread in between the quarter

pounder buns. And then you dress it like a big man. Tell them I want big Mac sauce and shredded lettuce. Yeah. I gotta have this. It's phenomenal because the, cause the patties of the big Mac are disgusting. Terrible. Yeah. Try it out. Gross. You want the juicy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude. Back in the day when I worked at McDonald's in high school, they had a burger called the big extra and it was like their version of the Whopper and it was like seasoned and it was bigger than the quarter pounder. It was like oblong like this. And one day I was like, even shape them right. It's so big. I was, we tried.

It's 15. I was 15 and all the Mexican dudes in the kitchen were like, Fat Bastard. That's what they called me. I had sideburns. Because you're so funny. No, no.

I looked like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. I had the sideburns and the double chin and like a spiked hair. Nice. Did you have that look before that movie? No. Oh, you chose to look like the movie. No, no, no.

I mean, yes, yes, I did. So the movie came out and you're like, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Fodbuster. They go, listen. Listen, man. Listen. If you can eat, if you can eat three big extra patties,

like a B-Mac, super side fry, super side milkshake. We give you $100. $100? And I'm 15, and I go, $100? That's a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah. So I literally sit down on, they put the $100 out.

I sit down in the break room, and I eat essentially a triple, it's more than a quarter pounder. Yeah. A triple burger, a large chocolate milkshake. Yeah, they were three quarter pound. Right. And a large fry. And I eat the entire thing. And I'm not, I'm telling you, instantly, instantly on the shitter.

For an hour and a half on the clock, by the way. Yeah. And they're just like, are you? I came out and my manager was like, hey, are you doing drugs in there? Well, food is a sort of drug. No, I'm doing. I did. I did too much McDonald's.

And then I had to go in there. Too much meat, sir. Yeah. And now I want a burger. And then I had to go in there. I did too much meat, sir. Yeah. So now I want a burger. Sounds good. And then forever on in Austin, Minnesota, McDonald's lore, they were like, there was this one man who come here and he create the fat bastard. He destroy our toilet.

Did not work. Oh my God. For months. And those guys loved me. And then, yeah, that was fat bastard. And then I quit that job. But now we're enabling this by allowing people to customize their experience with a little touch pad with no human interaction whatsoever. You think some other fat shit on the other side of this transaction is going to limit them in some capacity and not like, Oh, you should get some fucking ranch to dip

your fat bastard burger. I feel like once that McDonald's worker looks at you. Why didn't I think of this? Like a travel agent. We need a system of checks and balances. The robot should check in when you're ordering on the screen and go, do you need to talk to somebody? We can set you up with a counselor. I think you don't remember how terrible these till workers were with their long nails and their nonsense, chattering back

and forth. Look, I'm not saying, look, I appreciate the idea of the self-checkout. Just clearly nobody's supervising these things. There's all these stupid little rules. Why can't I get beer at one? Why? You should be able to scan my fucking ID so I can get beer. That might be only a California thing.

Democrats. That's why. It is Democrats. You know what? No, it's Democrats and Republicans. It's all nanny state fucking legislators on California thing. Democrats. That's why it is Democrats. You know what? That's no, it's Democrats and Republicans. It's all, it's all nanny state fucking legislators on both sides. Uh, God forbid you buy a beer to go with the anal condoms that you're buying for the children that are waiting for you in the plan B, uh, pills you're getting to make sure you kill

your baby. Good. Did you see this thing in, uh, Canada where, I mean, that's not how it works, but okay. What is plan C? Can't you get plan B just prevents you from getting pregnant? Yeah. this thing in Canada where... I mean, that's not how it works, but okay. What is Plan C? Can't you get... Plan B just prevents you from getting pregnant. It's not an abortive. But they have an abortive pill. Yeah, but that's not Plan B.

That's actually kind of the problem. That's the big problem is the confusion between the two. White men talking about reproductive health and they don't know what they're talking about. Just take her on a rollercoaster a couple times. Plan C is the abbreviation for the Casey Anthony plan. That's Plan C. That was not a good plan.

Although it worked out for her. I'm just saying. Did it? Yeah. Didn't Casey Anthony get off? I don't know what I would say it worked out for. I mean, like, I'm not saying the plan was flawless. Yeah, I remember at the end of her trial when she was like, I think that'll just about deal with that.

Thank you. She does the George Carlin battle. I hope you all enjoyed this little presentation. If your list was kill kid and not end up in jail, then you successfully accomplished both goals. I think you could do it a little better than that. Sure. Okay. Maybe don't even get caught in the first place.

It's just off the top of my head. Every plan is foolproof, but clearly she got where she was going. Sometimes you take the longer road. Okay. Casey Anthony was the friends that we made. Yeah, exactly. That was the real Casey Anthony. Look guys, all I'm saying is if I'm going to be interacting with a robot, I feel like it could be more streamlined. I could get rid of all this bullshit that holds me up. It could be less. There should be a rule. We need a retail one. Old people aren't allowed to use them anymore because they hold up the whole fucking line for me.

This is the, all the real losers use this self-checkout. I'm great at the self-checkout. Okay, that's the thing. I'm great at it self-checkout. Okay, that's the thing. I'm great at it. Yeah, you sound great. Messing up melons. Well, that's their fault. Why is one melon more than another melon?

They should be pretty much the same. All right, I went watermelon. Honestly, I was like, that should be the cheaper one. It's the regular type of watermelon. It ended up being more and this whole thing. You ever wonder if old people are just fucking with us, though? Because if I were old, I would go up there and I go, can I Facebook my grandson from this? Because I would see, I would see you raging behind me.

And I go, I got all day. I'm about to die. I'm going to ruin this guy's whole life. You're going to ruin this guy. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and I swear to this day, like, I think some of it was fake. I think some of it was just, she's like, I'm going to say the N word at this diner. What are you going to do? What could happen? Let's see how you guys tap dance around this one. What do you guys think about these Amazon stores where they, you don't even use walk in, take stuff, walk out. Oh, I can't wait to see who's, who's stealing from them. I'm going to try robbing that place blind. Are you really?

Do you steal from self-checkouts? Just a little something for the effort. My rule for Target is one item is free, obviously. Which item do you pick? It depends. Which one do you think is the most gratuitously overpriced? I'll usually just look at whatever's like cat food I usually don't pay for.

It's food for cats. They could eat dirt. You're never going to have to pay for this. Just get rid of all the waste meat you would have got rid of anyway. Meat. Yeah. So I guess what I'm saying is I hope that the self-checkout experience improves. But as of now, I find it substandard and with too many little needly things.

You know, it's a huge advancement on shopping. They did studies and, like, it's faster. This guy with his fucking studies. It's faster to go through the regular fucking checkout. It doesn't even make it quicker. It's just so they can pay less people. How would you feel if you were, like, imagine being, like, the lead checker at the grocery store that tested this,

and then there's, like, a woman who comes in with, like, a clipboard and graphs. And she goes, we've actually found that the common retarded average person with zero training is 42% better at this than the people we actually pay to do it. And you're just like, I would go by the study. The study is long. She's like, oh, I can do worse.

Hold on. Let me, let me really. She goes, you're hired to make do worse. Hold on. Let me really... You're hired to make that case? Hold on. Let me do it again. Why are self-checkouts always broken? That's another fucking thing. You go, and then we got like two of them open out of ten. The whole system has not been thought through all the way.

Just fix it. Down in like Union Towns, like Long Beach, they won't even... The people there will refuse to use The self checkouts Oh yeah Cause it cuts down Same with Vegas

They're like the The check in people Yeah They're always lying about them being broken It's like a big Thing That's more Oh cause they know they're gonna get fired

Yeah If everyone keeps using it So they're fucking you over So they can keep Fucking up Well you ever go to like The airplane Try to check in

They go You gotta use the got to use the, you got to use the little screen. Yeah, it's great. Why don't you just fucking do it? Boop, boop, boop, boop. Done. Sometimes.

If they're working, they're always broken. Yeah. I love that trick you could do at McAllen at, or is it McAllen? What is it? What's McCarran in Vegas? Vegas. Oh yeah. Uh, where they have the web bag drop-off.

You can actually go to a terminal, check in, and then just put your own bag over there. Like you did a web check-in, but you didn't. And then you don't got to worry about anything? Yeah. You can just cut the entire line and go, yeah, I checked in on the internet. And they go, here it is. Over there? And you go, yeah, that's the internet.

That counts as the internet. It's connected to the internet at some point. Yeah. Okay. My problem is shitty self-checkouts, Dick. Shitty self-checkouts. Okay. Josh.

Yeah, should we do that one? Whatever you have ready to go, man. Listen, I hate, I think the biggest problem is self-aggrandizing fake memorial tributes. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's a mouthful. Yeah. Slash fake crying at memorials.

Fake crying. Okay, wait. Self-aggrandizing. Okay. Memorial service. We'll just call it fake or self-aggrandizing memorial behavior. Okay. Memorial behavior.

Memorial conduct. Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't believe behavior. Memorial conduct. Yeah. Because I don't believe it's correct conduct. Okay. So people who are acting like assholes at funerals? Or just putting on a production like we're watching Medea. You know, my baby!

There's no way we've seen that. I haven't seen Medea. I'm aware of Medea and the way you've described it sounds in line with what I would expect. See, this is why I laugh. Like, people go, you know, oh, you're racist. I'm cultured. Yeah, yeah. John Dany goes, I understand the black community.

I've seen Madea. Yeah. And the other Madea. How many Madeas are there? I went to it live. My baby. Yeah. How did that go?

I guess you get a pass. Were you the loud one in the audience no no i just stood there counting them no i'm kidding oh no did you go are barber shops important to your people yeah no it's a lot of barber shops yeah i was i was thinking about that the other day i was had like you know my dad's like 81 and i'll talk to him in the morning sometimes for hours he's on the east coast and i hung up and i go all the dad's like 81, and I'll talk to him in the morning sometimes for hours. He's on the East Coast. And I hung up, and I go, there's like genres of comedy, right? Slapstick, you know, dry one-liners.

Sure. You know, storytelling. And the other day, I had this realization. I go, my dad's favorite genre of comedy is the way black people probably say words. Loaded, loaded. He'll literally just... How do black guys say that? You can imagine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's literally what's kept him alive for the last 30 years. Rest him. They call it a rest him. Yeah, yeah. Stalberry. You know what I'm talking about?

Stalberry. Literally, my dad will be at a restaurant and he's like, give me that jam. That's Stalberry, yeah. Stalberry. You know what I'm talking about? Stalberry. Literally, my dad will be at a restaurant, and he's like, give me that jam. That's Stalberry, son. Oh, no. And I'm like, Dad, what are you doing? It's like, you want to be mad, but you can't, because you're just like, it is fun. Everyone's like, the waitress where he lives in Delaware is like, that is how they say it. That's crap.

Strawberry. We're all enamored with black culture how they say it. That's crap. Strawberry. Oh, we're all enamored with black culture in our own ways. That happened at a funeral? No, no, that didn't happen at a funeral. It was a non sequitur. But no, Vito and I went to a memorial service on Monday. And yes, what I loved about, I told Vito, I was like, first of all, and I don't say this to like jerk him off, but Vito, Vito went into a room full of comedians and was

10 times funnier than all of them without even trying by accident by accident. So, so what happens? I got to tell them. So we go in and there's a couple, there's like a, first of all, there's like three or four comedians that publicly hate me on the internet there. And you know how, and you know how these people are when you see them in person, like I'm First of all, there's like three or four comedians that publicly hate me on the internet there. Oh, cool. And you know how these people are when you see them in person. I'll kill them with kindness. I'm always like, hey, how's it going? And they're just like, you know, good.

After they've just tweeted Josh Denny. Yeah, Josh Denny's at this fucking memorial. You know what I mean? Yeah. At Food Network. Yeah, at Food Network. I don't understand why this guy. Why does he still have it in his bio? Do some serving paperwork Take it out of his bio

Yeah, why do they They're like obsessed with that Like it's against the law or something Somebody's gotta stop him To say at Food Network in your biography It's so funny It leads people to believe you're still there Oh no

Yeah, that's funny Someone could be impressed by that Yeah He might be getting his dick sucked because of this I can assure you still there. Oh no. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Someone could be impressed by that. Yeah. He might be getting his dick sucked because of this. I can assure you I'm not. So we go to this, you know, it's monogamy. That's what it is.

Beautiful. So we go to this thing and Vito like, most people don't know Vito through like YouTube or this show or comedy or whatever in the LA scene. Yeah. I don't know anybodyito through YouTube or this show or comedy or whatever in the L.A. scene. Yeah. I don't know anybody. But he knew her through the gaming community and everything else.

And so I'm introducing Vito to everybody. And they're like, oh, cool, you knew her. So then comics go up and one in particular who's painfully unfunny. Oh, God. A comic funeral? Yeah. Sounds awful. So this comic goes, first of all, they play a video, which is like half of the video is

like funny stuff from standup and just like goofing around. And so the comics are laughing. But then the tragic thing is they also splice in childhood photos. And then like. And then like. Yeah, it was a real whiplash video. And Vito. Oh, that's so funny. Like, I remember when she was a real whiplash video Oh that's so funny I remember when she was a child and had hopes and dreams

We were like oh don't fucking put that there And my pussy stinks so much It was literally like that Thanks for the fire It was literally like our friend Like fuck you you fucking fuck And then the comics are like Ah that's so her

And then it's like her in the bathtub as a baby And the great aunt is like God like we did David Lynch make her memorial I was like I'm laughing but now I want to cry and it's So brutal and then so naturally naturally only at a comedian's. Also, you might not have recognized this. Did you know the music that it was set to? No.

Oh, that was a piano arrangement from Final Fantasy VII, which added a whole nother layer. Which one? Aeris's theme, I think it was. The one that dies. Yeah. She loved Final Fantasy. She dies in the game. Yeah. She loved Final Fantasy. She dies in the game. Yeah, no, it added a whole other layer of, oh, this is sad.

So anyway, and by the way, Vito, I got to give him credit, comes into this thing with just not memorial energy. Vito's in there, he's got a cocktail. He's like, so like, who are all you guys? I got a margarita. What? A margarita? It's not a cocktail. He's like, so, like, who are all you guys? I got a margarita. What? Margarita is not a funeral drink. It was at, like, a Mexican restaurant or some shit. Mexicans have things other than margaritas.

I don't know what to get. I said whiskey. I was like, oh. Just tequila. Tequila and soda. Literally anything. Did you have a big fun glass with it, too? I tried to get one.

Like a cactus on it. Yeah, I wanted an umbrella and everything. Can I have a burrito for me, please? He's suddenly over there like, so you guys are all comics, huh? Like, alright! I'm like Tony Clifton's son. I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to do with these things. Thought you brought that, huh?

Which I liked because it's blocking out the energy of these other comics that hate me in the room. Which I love, and I'm like, all right, cool, Vito. You're sort of shielding me from this awful energy. Right? I'm a good memorial wingman. This is amazing.

Great memorial wingman. If anyone's got any dead people in your life, bring me along. If I die first, you have to do this to me. Yes, yes. Oh, God, please. I only want Vito. He's running my memorial. I'm going to be insuring.

Because it was like, everybody's like, how somber are we supposed to be? And Vito's like, I don't think we should be somber at all. He'll be selling enemy weapon. I should have been selling copies of my card game. I should have been promoting. So anyway. Josh Denny loved Super Killer. I told him.

Super Killer is great. All my projects are wonderful. So what's funny, though, is that so there were comics who asked to speak at this thing like ahead of time. And one of them got up and I was like, OK, like, even though I don't like this person, I'll be objective. They you know, they were friends with our friend. friend. Oh, no. And if they have nice things. And literally starts reading off their comedy resume and trying to relate it to their relationship

with this dead person. They're like, so I remember the first time I got my very first TV credit. It was on Comedy Central. And then this person did a really good job of trying to ground me. And I remember when I got my manager and my agent and That was a weird one. They were basically like I kept doing all this famous stuff

and Sarah would help keep me grounded. Yeah, it was just, I was like. Oh, now she's in the ground. Right in the back. No, grandma. Try to high five the family. Hey. Margarita man, what about you?

You got it. So we're all in the back just cringing what a self-aggrandizing masturbatory speech this is. Oh, God. So we're all in the back just cringing what a self-aggrandizing, masturbatory speech this is. Oh, God. And even at one point, this comic goes, God, I feel like I've been up here talking about myself too long. Is somebody going to give me the light?

Oh, my God, yeah. And I was like, oh. Boo. I was like, you're about to turn this memorial into a goddamn bloodbath, my friend. So then. So when this happens, put like a lever in me that you can trigger so I sit up in the coffin.

Get off the stage! Well, there was no body. Let's just get that out there. There was no body. She's already in the ground. Yeah, that was... I think that was the part Vito was most disappointed in, is that there was no body to observe. I wanted to see her bones. Yeah. So then

like, you know, we had a running joke about her bones. It's very complicated. So is it? Yeah. So this comic does their set right? Gets off stage leaves immediately like they've got another memorial to get to. Like I got to go do some open

at the ice house left. And then later went on Twitter and was like, I was too emotional to stick around and hang out. I was like people so gross. Right. And so then a couple other, a couple other family members go up who are like Persian. She was half Persian.

And then a couple other open micers go up and Vito goes up. And this is the Persians doing during the comic? Just talking family No, no, what were the Persians talking about while these people were performing? Oh, I don't know. I couldn't see them. I was tucked in the back away from everything. So, uh, Vito goes up and he goes, uh, hi everybody, my name's

Vito. I was a friend of Sarah's. Just want to say I'm not Persian. I don't even really care for them. Levels the fucking room. Levels the room. Levels the room. Like the Persian family, everybody fucking dying. What's the family laughing at him?

Dying. Dying. Well, because like three people went on and they're like, I'm also Persian. Like it was a fun fact. And I went on and I go, I'm not Persian. Don't really care for him. And even her Persian dad is like, Oh, first emotion he showed all night dying. And then he could, and then Vito like goes on and tells a story. It is like,

it is like very affable and like likable and then closes on something that's like super dark and gross but funny and like again crushes the room just levels the room and he's like alright that's it for me and just walks off and I go that dude just destroyed in a room of comedians that are trying to be

comedians and every and so what was weird is like my buddies were like dude you should have done more time I'm like it's not a show You could have stayed up You could have done more Dead friend material I feel like I wanted to give space to the family

To say stuff Or at least let other comedians Talk about how great they are And then what was so amazing to me was like, I watched all the act, like the standups in the room just have that face of going. They immediately stopped caring about their dead friend. And we're hating,

and we're hating Vito for getting more laughs in the room than any of them could have. And you know, the face where it's just like, I see, I missed all this. Cause I just like went outside and I'm like, that was pretty good. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I was, I literally, I literally walked out and I was like, you need to be doing standup because it was like, you know, there, and I say this in all honesty, I'm a very tough comedy critic, but there are people who just naturally have an ability to just snap a fucking room apart. And I'd veto did it at a fucking funeral.

I like, I literally, but what if that's, you know, maybe that's my peak, maybe shitting on Persians is just such, you know, Oh yeah.

Where will you be able to work? Where will you find an audience for that? I know. Yeah. That's my only, that's my only good. And I, and I, the only reason I was like, I don't think I could say anything, because everybody in the day was like, how did you know Sarah?

Because we weren't seen hanging out a lot. Yeah. And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like, we had a pretty long relationship, and mostly on social media, and chatting back and forth, and texting each other and stuff. And they're like, oh, what did you guys talk about and i was like mostly different ways we could kill ourselves and and shitting so i don't know if i should share those stories no i was like going through my phone i'm like what stories can i share about sarah and i'm like oh

man she hated like all these fucking people i can't talk about this well what was hilarious is her little sister's not a comic but she's been around the scene a lot because they were attached at the hip and she would go with her to all these shows. Yeah. And her little sister's like kind of woke. I mean, like early 20s. But at one point she goes, you know, it was like very it's very tough sometimes when you have a family member who deals with like depression to let them feel that they're loved. And she's like, I'm glad that so many of you came here for her tonight even though we all know that so many of you are fucking

horrible people and like just crush the room and she's like you guys are all terrible pieces of shit she would have hated all of this so it was just like but yeah and just watching like so not just people going and like using talking

about a dead person to talk about themselves. Ugh. And then the people with the fake, with the crocodile tears of, like, oh, my God, it's just how many of these, you know, comics kept going. How many of these things are we going to go to? We really got to check in on mental health, people. Yeah, I go, none of you actually pick up the phone and call people like a human being, you self-serving cunt. Yeah, that's the thing. Not me, though.

How many of you call someone else? So many of these people are like, oh, my God, I'm going through so much. I'm like, man, I called her like at least once a month, if not more. Yeah. So I'm like, I don't know. I haven't heard a half you people. Maybe they're connected. I don't fucking know.

If Trump was still president, maybe that would have been like a distraction. Who was that one black guy who went on? He's like, I didn't really know her that good, but she seemed kind of funny. president, maybe. Yeah. That would have been like a distraction. Who was that one black guy who went on? He's like, I didn't really know her that good, but she seemed kind of funny. Okay, bye. And I was like, what the fuck are you here? You don't have to speak. Yeah, I don't know. It's not Thanksgiving.

Yeah. It was really weird. My buddy Earl that I came with, who's a really well-known comic in LA, regular at the Comedy Store, he's like, listen, when the fry cook starts doing memoriams, it's time to get the fuck out of here. She was my best customer. Yeah. At my grandpa's funeral,

I don't know, like seven years ago or maybe eight years ago, the preacher gets up during the middle of the funeral and starts plugging church. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Yeah, he's like, well, you know, if he had come to church more or anything? No, like you know, we should all take this opportunity to like, remember to renew our faith and go to church because...

Deeper relationship with the Lord. The reality is, is you might go to hell and... Jesus Christ! No, he's talking about, he's talking about hell and I'm like, I'm thinking, is this, this is the, that guy is... They're always doing the hard sell. That guy's right, that guy's body's right there and you you're talking about a hell? Is this? So afterwards, I said to my mom, like, what did you think? It was her dad. What did you think about that hell thing?

And she goes, oh, my dad hated that preacher. Like, he's always shitting. He's always going up to him after church. He goes every Sunday. He's always going like, hey, so I got a few notes on your sermon. Yeah, every week he was needling it. I was like, oh, so that was a few notes on your sermon. Yeah. Every week he was needling. I was like, oh, so that was like a revenge. That was a revenge homily.

To bring the dish out while his body is decomposing in the box. Rent free, grandpa. Rent free. My dad's memorial was terrible for a number of reasons, one of which was first the priest was late, but they were like, okay, now the priest is going to come and like say some shit they didn't realize the priest wasn't there yet so he spent like 20 minutes listening to the organ like playing lead-in music for the priest at one point my grand my grandpa's like where the fuck is this guy and i'm like i don't know man like just go along with it then the priest finally gets there made up some like bullshit story like i assume he was just stuck

on the highway he's like i was helping like some orphans I'm like, no you fucking weren't He just got started late But he starts going on and on about the plot Of the movie Meet Joe Black Wait, isn't he death? Is that Joe Black? I don't know, is Brad Pitt death? I've never seen the movie

He explained the whole plot to us From beginning to end I've seen Madea meets Joe Black. Doesn't he meet? Is Joe Black the devil? Is that who he meets? I don't know. Yeah, in Madea meets Joe Black, he just runs a convenience store.

He's actually Korean, believe it or not. Anyway, the priest. His name is Joe Brack. I didn't meet Joe Black. What's your name, Joe Brack? Okay. What? You thought I was going to meet?

Check your Joe Black. What did you think I was going to be. You're Joe Black. What did you think I was going to be? Joe Black. Joe Black. Joe Black. Yeah. Yeah. So for 20 minutes, he told us the plot of Meet Joe Black, where I think Brad Pitt talks

to the devil or something. I don't fucking know. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Meet Joe Black? And I'm like, no, I don't think he'd ever seen it either. I don't know what this fucking movie is going on about. My favorite part of a memorial service is when a guy's like, you guys ever see that?

Can't you tell a story from the Bible? Like a movie? Because priests are doing a podcast every week. That's what you don't understand. That's really what they're doing. So when somebody dies, they're like, fuck, I got to do a bonus episode this week. What am I driving into work? I watched The Matrix last week.

That's got some Jesus-y stuff in it. I'll talk about that. Preachers are just coming in like, is everybody caught up on Ozark? Yeah. I don't want to spoil it, but I do have a lot of Ozark stuff prepared. I do always wonder, what the fuck does a preacher do every week? Eventually you run out of Bible stories, you know? Well, I don't know if you know this, but that's why they kept making them.

Yeah, but eventually you run out of, like, human attributes where you go, well, today I want to talk about piety. No, people die before they run out. And you go, oh. They're dead. Yeah, I guess you recycle stuff. Guys, we have a New Testament. Do you see this?

Yeah, well, they should keep making those. We talked about how the Bible needs new Bibles. The IP rights won't keep getting in the way No, that was my argument for a ball Anyway, that's your shitty memorials Oh, you know what else is shitty about that memorial? Is that they posted her obituary in first person Which made us all really confused I died?

Yeah So going into the memorial, we're like, did she kill herself or not? And then it turned out the mom had written it, and she admitted it. Like Anne Frank's diary? Yeah, it was like, my name is Sarah, and I was this year's old when I died,

and I liked this and this. And I'm like, don't write a first-person obituary. This is confusing and weird. Yeah. And then what was very strange is that, like, none of us really knew what had happened, and then they just chose that memorial to announce how it happened.

It was like, oh, by the way, here's how she died. And we're like, oh, okay. Like a post-credits scene? Stick around! But what was kind of funny and also shitty at the same time is that all of us were looking around like we knew it. That's what we thought. Well, now the audience has to know how she died. I mean, you can't say... It's kind of funny and also shitty at the same time is that all of us were looking around like, we knew it. That's what we thought. Well, now the audience has to know how she died.

I mean, you can't say. It's one of those classic suicide type situations. Yeah, just, you know. We don't know how. They didn't give us all the details. They didn't go like, oh, she blew her head off. Yeah, I didn't want to speak. I just went up and I go, was it any of these that I bet on between the two of us?

I have a pool going. We have a betting pool going. Anyway, our good friend Sarah Mostajabi. I have a pool going. Anyway, good friend Sarah Mostajabi. She was great. What does her sister look like? I think COVID made her go crazy. What does the sister look like? We got to bring you to the next one.

Did I wait long enough before asking? I've been waiting a long time. The whole family, very nice. They're a good looking family. They're a good couple. I could never get. Because they race mixed. Because the father's Persian and the mom is like white, right?

Or Hispanic, maybe. I don't know. But not Persian. Hispanics and Persians are very close. I think she might be Jewish. Like my girlfriend is. Sarah would tell a joke where she's like half my family wants to kill the other half. I'm like, oh, that's funny.

Because she's Jewish. So I think she's half Jewish, half Persian. Oh, yeah. I think you're right. I think that. I do think I remember that. I don't remember the exact joke. She looked like spitting image of one of my aunts who was my favorite aunt growing up.

I could never find her attractive. When you cross the races, it results in attractiveness. It's great. My girlfriend is full Persian and she just looks like... Who's the actor? Meet Joe Black. Did you guys see My girlfriend is full Persian, and she just looks like, who's the actor?

Actor? Meet Joe Black. Did you guys see Meet Joe Black? She looks like Aziz Ansari. Ansari? No. I have no idea what she looks like. Master of none? Who's the Italian actor that's not Chaz Palminteri?

Oh, Robert De Niro. What do you mean Italian actor? Italian actor. That one Italian actor. The one who used to own Taste of Chicago. And he was in Barry on Sunday. And he's, oh, God, he's like a famous, not Danny Aiello. What's the one? Timothy Chalamet.

It's not. Mario? Joe Mantegna. Oh, okay. That's who my girlfriend looks like. That's who my girlfriend looks like. Joe Montagna. Joe Montagna.

From Godfather 3? If he transitioned, if he transitioned, that would be my girlfriend. So you don't want a full-blown... I want you to picture Joe Montagna with the best tits you've ever seen in your life. Now when I meet her, I have to not react to this thought. You've been meaning to get a dinner. You're going to be on your phone. You're going to be scrolling.

Oh, shit. There's something there. Turn it on. Here we go. No, no. It's her father looks more like that, but she looks like exactly like her father. And so now that I joke, like, well, then you look like Joe Montana. And I see why you're not getting blow jobs.

Yeah, no, this is not helping. Okay. So that's your, what's your problem again? He gave it to you. You wrote it down. I can't write with this hand. Inappropriate memorial conduct. Inappropriate memorial conduct.

Inappropriate memorial. Well, that sounds like all the other things. Memorial. That's like touching the corpse. Emotional memorial embellishment. How about that? We'll come up with something We'll put it down

We'll put it down I know this guy This comedian I used to work with One of our friend's wives died And he brought his new girlfriend To the ceremony And she was like Screaming at the coffin

Taking selfies with it What the fuck? This is right after I stopped working with him Wow That's embarrassing. Have fun with that one. His new girlfriend was doing that performatively? Didn't even know her? X now.

Yeah, not really. She's just not good around Jeff. By the way, how is not the number one thing on the fan voted list of this show just women everywhere? We haven't brought in just women. Women anywhere, everywhere all of the time. Women's tears and the cowardice

of women have both scored very highly. Okay, my problem is backseat Googlers. Yes. So I was trying to set up this Ralph Worski fight and I reached out to pretty much everyone I know saying, look, do you know anybody who does fighting? Because Keemstar...

Are you trying to do it in LA? I don don't care wherever I'll do it in the boat and like I'll fly in to fight someone yes I'll do it in space uh I reached out to everyone hey hey do you know anybody could do this do you know anybody could do this set up like a whatever box should be easy man everything's hard yeah uh and I get a reply back from my buddy saying, I got it. And he sends me a screenshot of a thing. He says, charity boxing match, the statute of California law. And I was like, okay. And he goes, dude, it's the first Google result. Just search for how to do boxing.

There you go. There you go. It says it right there. All you got to do is have a charity boxing. That's it. Meanwhile, you got to do is have a charity boxing. That's it. Yeah. And then meanwhile, you type in a gaming commission, you type in exactly what he tells you. And it gives you like, are you looking for box packing shipping places in the Valley? And you're just like, Oh, I guess what? I did Google it. And I got a completely different

industry. Nonsense. Backseat Googler that,, can you Google? No. You do it. You do your own. Who's in the car with you? Hey, Jamie, pull that up. You know, like, what? I'm not, we're not running a show. No, this is not, that's not how this works. You have your own.

Backseat Googler. So the problem is when people Google something that you could have Googled yourself. Obviously, I went through the trouble of Googling it. Yes. One time. Once. There you go. That's my problem trouble of Googling it. Yes. One time. Once. There you go. That's my problem.

Let's do it. Also, maybe I thought you might have some expertise from your fucking worthless life experiences. I wasn't asking you to Google it. Yeah. You understand that part? I was asking you for like, you know, a little bit more. Can we brainstorm for a second?

You know? Do we have to be sitting on pods at Google? No. To just think with our own brains? Let's pretend it doesn't exist. Yeah, Google. I don't understand. You do know there's literature out there about this, right, Dick?

I'm not 70 years old. Yeah. I know how to do the computer and self-checkout. You don't like when they send you the link to the, I Googled it for you, that little I love that. I love sending that to people. You love sending that to people. Doesn't that make you the backseat Googler? No, because they ask stupid questions. Yeah. So if it's stupid, it's okay. Yeah. If it's stupid. If it's complex, like setting up your own boxing situation. If it's any, if I get an answer back, that's like something that they

Googled. Yeah. Well, you know, it's not helpful. Yeah, I already knew that much. Yeah. Give me a little, you know. Help me out. It's like the modern equivalent of the old IT. All right, is it plugged in? Yes. Like, you've done this to me.

Yeah. Have you restarted it? Have you Googled it? Is it plugged in? Yeah, it's plugged in. Okay. That's, this is getting, let's do super chats. We're going to wrap it up. We're getting long-'s let's, this is getting, let's do super chats.

Speaker 1 We're getting long winded. Speaker 2 Let's do voicemails. I just can't top the Memorial service with anything. I tried to think of a dumber problem on the spot, but I couldn't. Speaker 2 Google's backseat Googlers. Vito. What are you? Speaker 2 Shitty self-checkouts.

Speaker 2 Shitty self-checkouts. Okay. Speaker 1 Yeah. My backup, my backup was aonsored fake shootings, mass shootings. But we'll save that for next time. Yeah, we'll save that one. We'll get to that one. Please come back and do that.

I would love to. Do that the next time they do it. Yeah. Midterms are going to be brutal, so you know they're going to be doing a lot of it. Yeah, they're going to have about... They got it. Listen, I don't know if you guys know... Monkeypox.

And this video has just been demonetized once more. Do you guys want me to pull up the schedule and tell you the tour dates? And we don't care if it's been demonetized because we have so many patrons as our one year. So many supporters, yes. It's amazing. What are we at, like $5,000? We're almost at $5,000, yeah. I'm so glad we didn't put any kind of goal.

I don't look at it in terms of money, Dick. I look at it in terms of number of supporters. Oh, yeah. I look at it at money. 1,100. I look at it in terms of number of supporters. Oh, yeah. I look at it in money. I believe 1,100-something. I mean, the money's helping. Okay, let's do some voicemails. In this time of great economic turmoil.

You guys are helping me find baby formula. Let's put it that way. What the fuck are you doing with that, dude? I mean, I used to be- It's basically a milkshake, so. Yeah. I used to be able to just buy breast milk from Ethiopian women, and now the price has skyrocketed. Listen, I'm going to go with my gut here. I bet you got no

problem scanning that one in yourself, do you? Oh, look at that. Went right through. So now is the time to do super chats. Now is the time? No, now is the time to put in your super chats. Oh, put in your super chats so we can get to them. You don't want to be fumbling for your credit card at the last moment. You got to do it now.

We'll be reading them soon. Here we go. You know, it's actually funny that you brought up Frank Miller in the copyright debate. Yes. Because he was actually, like, really pissed off about the 9-11 attacks. And he wrote a story where Batman fights Al Qaeda. It's called Holy Terror. Obviously, DC did not want to push that story, so Frank just rewrote the whole thing

and just made Batman this dude called the Fixer. Anyway, the comic was complete dog shit, but it would have been 20 times funnier if it was just Batman fighting terrorists. Don't you think so? Love the show? Go fuck yourself. Yeah, I'm not... I mean, I guess it would have been good.

He should have just done it... Yeah, I don't know. Yes, IP prevented him from doing that. Are you pro or anti-Batman fights Al-Qaeda? It would have been very interesting, but I understand that it was not in line with what DC wanted for the character. He's not saying,

do you understand both sides? Look, I'm not saying that nobody could ever make a good Batman story other than them. It's just, He went and he made His own book So that's almost better Do you want to see Yes I want to see Batman

And he could have Punched Osama bin Laden Or whatever the fuck His gadgets aren't Really sand compatible You know what I mean Like what's he gonna Just shoots up into the air

And comes back down Frank Miller got in A lot of trouble For that book Just a lot of daylight He's the reason That he like Got this you know Did Osama act like The Joker or anything No By the way They have Batman down. Frank Miller got in a lot of trouble for that book. He's the reason they got this.

You know, did Osama act like the Joker or anything? By the way, they have Batman fighting Al Qaeda. It's called Moon Knight. Oh, is that what that is? The show? Yeah, so it's like all Egyptology. Yeah, but he's not fighting Al Qaeda. He's probably fighting the coalition of Al Qaeda. Isn't he though?

Probably. Probably. Okay, this is cash register guy. Vito, you messed up the biggest problem. Of course I did. About the donations at the cash registers. The biggest problem with that isn't just the annoyance of it. It's that the companies are taking your donations. Adding them all together. And at the end of the year, they're taking that money and using it as a tax write-off.

Wrong! Fucking wrong! Incorrect! No, they're not! You dumb motherfucker! I don't bring in fake fucking shit for the show. I bring in real shit. You dumb piece of shit.

We already talked about this. Fuck you. You're wrong. Wrong. We already talked about this. Fuck you. You're wrong. Wrong. We already talked about that. Very good debate. Also, how would you ever take income and write it off as a deduction? That's not how it works.

That's somebody who doesn't even know taxes at all. I almost brought in payroll tax. They actually just take that money and then write it off. They just write it off. Do you know what a write-off is? No, but they're the ones writing it off. Yeah. I don't know if you understand.

It's a write-off. See, what they do is they make that $10 million, but it's all a write-off. It's a write-off. Yeah. Thank you for letting me tell that gentleman he's a complete idiot. You're just talking about how much you're grateful of the fans and stuff. Not the dumb ones. Oh.

The only people I'm appreciative of the Veto File Plus. Also, also. They're my boys. That's another candidate for biggest problem is well actually fans. Well actually. Well actually. I don't know if you guys knew this. We get plenty of those.

Dick just made a face like. That Batman book. Somebody left a comment. I can't believe Veto didn't bring up Holy Terror. Yeah, whatever. There's only 20 minutes to talk about each problem all right well that was a funny voicemail about holy terror though no that was helpful i'm saying the other guy there's guys like complaining like vito is such a fucking idiot because he doesn't know about this comic

obviously i know about holy terror you want to hear vito voicemail frank miller bootlicker yeah what's up? Fuck you. Yeah. That's not a copy. You can't copyright a cheeseburger. You can't copyright recipes. That's one of the default things that we know. It's a terrible fucking example. No, you can't patent any recipe.

Why? You can't. Why not? Because food is not a protected class of whatever. Shut the fuck up. You don't know. Cheese. Why? You can't. Why not? Because food is not a protected class of whatever. Shut the fuck up. You don't know. Cheeseburgers are so fucking good. You can't.

Oh, my God. McDonald's has to compete against the other guys. No, that's not. That's literally not. You can't patent a fucking cheeseburger. No recipe can be copyrighted. Because it's just, you can't. The assembling ingredients is not a thing you can copyright.

You have no idea what you're talking about. I don't fucking know. I think you understand. That's why McDonald's is good? Because you can copyright. You have no idea what you're talking about. I don't fucking know. I think you understand. That's why McDonald's is good? Because they can't copyright cheeseburgers? Shut the fuck up. You know what you're talking about. I submit to you the well actually fan.

Right at the end, he just put a perfect bow on it. Well, actually. So you think they should copyright cheeseburgers or what? No, they can't because you can't tell somebody they can't cook food in a certain way. Yeah, that's why. That's just moving ingredients around. So the guy that made up the cheeseburgers just asked out of all his profits, but pharmaceutical companies can cure diabetes seven times.

Because there's nothing novel about taking different types of food and combining that. That's what food is. That's what medicine is. There's no novelty to it. Why did Martin Shkreli, why did he go to jail then? Well, no, Martin Shkreli shouldn't be in jail. He went to jail for embezzlement. Dick, don't you know that you got to melt? That's a whole is. There's no novelty to it. Why did Martin Shkreli go to jail then? Well, no, Martin Shkreli shouldn't be in jail. He went to jail for embezzlement. Dick, don't you know that you've got to melt?

That's a whole different fucking thing. If he just melted cheese over it, he's good to go, baby. You cannot copyright a recipe. That's why they have secret formulas for food. They copyrighted a one-click button for Amazon. That's why when they say Coca-Cola has a secret formula or whatever, it's because if it got out, it can't be added. That's why drinks say things like proprietary blend. Oh what allows them to not disclose all of their ingredients but i can't go like mickey mouse oh he's a little fucking horny mouse he's got two little big ears call him

mitchie mouse but it's not as good but what's interesting though and i don't know this 100 because i'm not a fucking dork uh but there's only a certain percentage of something's ingredients can be proprietary blend. Yeah, you can't have the whole thing because you need nutrition labels. Yeah, you need the nutritional information. So it's like a certain percentage. That's why the whole concept of food labeling is stupid anyway. Yeah.

It messes up the packaging too. I don't want to know how many calories it has. Yeah, I want to know what's in what I eat. Yeah, as you fucking smoke three packs a day how good does it make you feel like that's how bad it is yeah obviously yeah you know like whenever i eat healthy i just go well i don't feel like that wasn't even a thing uh okay here we go hey guys joe Dave P. The biggest problem in the universe is female fear-mongering. Apparently, it is very scary to be a fucking woman. I was going to have my sister-in-law drive my family to the airport so we can go to Mexico.

And it's too scary now because there's going to be a little bit of snow on the ground, and my brother is freaking the fuck out because we were going to drive to Denver, and then she was just going to drive back, drop us off at the airport, drive back. My brother is freaking the fuck out because in broad daylight, apparently, his wife is going to get raped at any gas station she pulls over at. Wow. Denver is not fucking Gotham City. His wife is going to get raped at any gas station she pulls over at. How does she? It's not fucking Gotham City.

Talk about paying at the pump. Am I right? I have to drive all the way to the fucking airport. I did that. She's watching it. Fucking five-hour drive. Park my car there for a couple hundred dollars and then come back and drive all the fucking way back. Well, you don't want her to get raped.

Instead of the people who are currently living at my house for fucking free doing me a solid. No, you need to put your foot down. Yeah, you got to kick them out. You need to. I'm going to go on a limb here and say this is just the biggest problem in your universe. Yeah, that's easily fixed. If they're using I'm going to get raped as an excuse to not drive you to the airport. This guy's like, biggest problem, my wife, who is a cunt.

Yeah. I'll rape you twice. You're doing your part to prevent them from getting raped by giving them a house to hide from the rapists in. You're going the extra mile. The only thing I would do is if I drove by a gas station, a woman's getting raped, is I would go up and put one of those I did that Joe Biden stickers on her ass cheek.

Dick, I did want to mention. Oh, go ahead. Go on. On the last show, as we were reading the super chats. Yeah. Someone mentioned taking a shower and having to deal with the tube of hair. Does that count? That's the question.

Many in the comments were arguing Whether or not we should be strict Or lenient No, I don't think that counts Tube of hair It's close It doesn't sound like to be fair They try to trick him into saying to be fair Because he used to say it all the time

Before they gave him a complex So they'll put it between words But tube of hair is not No, because the H from hair is very apparent Yeah, maybe if you had an accent. If I slurred it together, I would have went, tube of hair. Yeah, there's one. I suck.

I'll give that one there. A little morning radio action for you. All right, well, we've got some super chats. And before we do, should we do plugs after? Yeah, no, no, Josh, plug your stuff. Oh, yeah. Where do we find you, Josh? Hey, big show, June 25th, plug your stuff. Oh, yeah. Big show, June 25th,

Orlando, Florida. Oh, shit. You can get tickets to see me, Gavin McInnes, and Anthony Cumia. Yeah, you guys are doing the big throwdown for what, censored TV? Yeah, first censored TV live show ever. You should come, man. Let's go to Orlando. Do stand-up. You should come. I gotta

I've been working on some stand-up. Really? Yeah, I've been writing some jokes over the pandemic. Well, like what? Let's hear one. I really got to do standup right now. Two vaccines walked into a Fauci. Ouchie. I'm not going to do standup right now.

Come on. He's doing a plug. One joke. That's the plug. All right. All right. All right. What do you call it?

You ever watch that movie, The Truman Show? You know, where his life's like a TV show? Yeah. Do you ever think about at what point your Truman Show would have got canceled? You know, at what point the audience goes, I think I've watched this fat guy masturbate enough times. Not really getting anything else out of this. All right. He's either eating tacos, crying, or masturbating.

Those are the three episodes of the show, and they just kind of loop them around. Got a big laugh when I did it before. You came up with this during. I take back everything I said previously. No, I'm kidding. I made a huge mistake. I got a good laugh when there was a crowd. Do you do like actions to go along with it?

Yeah, there's like a whole bunch going on. This is why you can't paraphrase comedy. Like you can't. It's like you just end up sounding like you're explaining your bits. That was my comedy. Yeah, that's my comedy I get it No, walk us through it We went to that

Brewery last week After the show That would have been a great open night Mike We need more good open mic nights We're talking about doing something that way That's just like fucking you know like a monthly or a bi-weekly or even a weekly something or i mean maybe you

want to stay in la yeah and do it yeah yeah yeah and just do where there's actually funny people up and like people the people that go up you actually watch and the problem with most of the shows in la is that it's just shitty comics trading their spot for a spot on somebody else's shit. I don't want to do that at all. I'm like, let's have our own thing that's for us to go up and be funny, and then let's just put other funny people up. And you have to tell one joke about fat women.

I'm fine with that. That's the rule. And it can't be like a joke about you. It has to be at their expense. As a fat woman, I can't. It can't be like a self, like fat women, like I'm even worse. We should do a monthly fat watch show. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 3 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 3 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3.

Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3.

Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3.

Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 2 and 3. Speaker 1 and 3. Get your presenters out. Fat Watch live on the Santa Monica Pier. I could dress like Ahab. Dick, you should be making a pilot for a Fat Watch show, I think. I'll be killed. I'll be killed? It's not even canceled. He's like, I'll be killed. I'll be killed for that.

So Josh Denny, we can find him in Orlando on the 25th of June. Is that what you said? 25th of June. You get tickets at joshdennycomedy.com. The link's on the main page. joshdennycomedy. June. You get tickets at joshdennycomedy.com. The link's on the main page. joshdennycomedy.com. And follow you at joshdenny on Twitter. Yeah.

That's a good one. I'm still there and on Instagram. The Food Network's Josh Denny is here. You do threads on Twitter. I do sometimes. I know it's going to be a good day when I wake up and see Josh Denny has got that little line. I'm like, ooh, all right.

This one's not going to be funny at all. Yeah, exactly. They're all just like existential. Yeah, I don't know. I wake up. What's weird is like when I'm in that place in the morning, usually I'm up all night. I didn't wake up and go, you know what I fucking think. I'm up all night and this is on.

And I'm like, I got to dump it somewhere. And I dump it on Twitter. And then I go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. What were you going to say? Is it obnoxious? He's a good Twitter follower, I'm going to say. I don't care. Yeah. Is it obnoxious? He's a good Twitter follower, I'm going to say.

I don't care. I would follow Josh Denny and I do follow Josh Denny. I mean, I just have always liked the medium. People are always like, how come you're not at open mics? I go, that's what Twitter is for. Yeah, exactly. That's where to test the material. If you can't condense your joke concept

into a tweet and then field test it to find out if the idea is good at all. And that's basically how I got better at writing. God, I had a great tweet the other day. Did you see my Norm MacDonald joke? Was it about the Truman Show? No, no, no. No, it was about the show. That's a great bit, and it kills.

I bet it'll be even better, though, if you get it into a tweet. It was Norm MacDonald weekend update. Did you see this? And then it goes the new Scooby-Doo. It will be starring an Asian Velma. This is true for Mindy Kaling. Speaker 1 1,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030,030 That was a good joke. All right. I want to say, why would she say that? Because she says jinkies normally. But she wouldn't. There's no Asian mix up of a J and a J. I said her catchphrase has been changed. Don't say it. To a certain word.

One of my rhymes with jinkies. One of my favorite. You know, what's funny is I forgot that I tweeted this. I forgot I even had this joke because it's such like a short one liner. Yeah. And I tweeted it after the last like mass shooting. That was like racially motivated. I'm pretty good at striking on, on tragedies. That's good. Funny. Yeah. That's the only time. But I said, I was like, I just, I hope we can hate. I hope we can heal the racial divide. And I say, this was one of Sarah's favorite jokes is what reminded me

of it. Cause we were, we were texting about it. And I said, uh, I said, I wish we could heal the racial divide in this country. I don't understand why white people and black people can't just come together over the things they both love, like shooting unarmed black people. It was like, so, and I was like, God, maybe, and then the thing happened on Saturday. And I was like, Hmm I was like god maybe And then the thing happened on Saturday And I was like do I reel it back out Do I give her the old retweet What do I do Well ladies and gentlemen

Piccolo the driving ape for $1.49 With a super sticker of a hot tub Thank you Piccolo Isn't that corrupt for fives My problem is sinkholes I am not comfortable with the idea that the ground could vanish beneath my feet As I am bored by the earth itself. This is government psyop, bro.

I've seen some sinkhole videos. They are scary. TBF for two says, Vito is always hot because Vito is fat. Correct. Coffee split for five. When did this show turn into the biggest fat people in the universe? Now that's funny. Yeah, that's good.

Moss man for two. I'm colorblind. Which one is Vito? Hold on. Hold on, though. Hold on. See, but fat, if I'm going to jokesmith this a little bit, fat is redundant. It should have been, when did this show turn into the biggest people in the universe? No, you got to put fat in there.

It works better. Not as good. Okay. I'm a less is more kind of guy with comedy. Speaker 1 and 3. Sometimes you gotta go. You gotta put it in there. One bandit for 10 Monday. I already know this is going somewhere. Anytime they have a story. I went to the national beekeepers convention and on Tuesday to the California honey festival, it was great that I got to go to two bee fairs.

That's horrible. I suck when you gave them that one. Half for $10. Boss man for two. You already get the money. I know, but I feel like if they really took all this time to talk about the honey conventions and whatever else. I actually like that.

I like the fact that they put time into crafting this. I mean, you don't want them too much if it's not as good, though. You're right. I'll try to keep it to the only good ones. Mossman for two says, Vito Feds Walde confirmed. Am I a Fed? Juanita Perez for Mexican $20. Shout out to my homie, Reefy Boot Backwards Fella.

Oh. Oh, he wants me to read his friend's name backwards, which is Reefy Boot, which would be Tube If Er. That does not count at all. Mexican $20 is not $20. No, it's not. Pop Quiz for 10 says, Anniversary money. Happy anniversary to the biggest problem in the universe. Kino, a review for five.

Danny, did you hear that Joey Diaz has gone into hiding ahead of Red Bar's return? Will you be joining him? Joining him where? Joining him in his bunker. Yeah, I don't think he's hiding. He's in New Jersey. Frode for five. Last I checked, people don't hide in New Jersey.

Okay, I'm going to also say this. Everyone who keeps trying to reference Nier Automata, which has a character named 2B, I'm spotting these from a mile away but frode for five was playing near automata recently my favorite character is 9s but my friend's angry at me because his favorite is to be f enough i guess all right you're not getting that one piccolo for two is soup plantation still a thing oh the garlic bread all soup plantations have uh gone out of due to COVID. It's very sad. I like soup plantation. Really? What was your favorite part?

Eating unlimited soup and bread. What other part would there be? What? That was my favorite part of the experience. Also sneaking in when it was at high time with all the Asian people and just grabbing a plate and going nuts.

I live in an Asian neighborhood and they loved soup plantation. Jack Gonzalez for two. Come on, Vito. Don't lie about buying a salad. It is in my fridge. I may eat it. Titanic for two. Shut up.

I got it. How long do you think they last? They last like a couple days. Anticipation of what? Of wanting to eat salad and then I just didn't eat it. Oh, that thing is doomed. That salad. I'm not saying I've never not thrown out a salad.

That salad, as you take it out, it's like, no, you've made some kind of mistake. Put me back. Put me back with my friends. Nice Greek salad. I don't want to die. I will make time for it at some point. Just into the incinerator. Pop quiz for two. At least quiz for two says homeless man. He's not going to eat my leftover Greek salad. Cooper's not leftover. It's not started.

It's secondhand salad. Only fat people have secondhand salads to donate. I have dealt with many secondhand salads in my life. Cooper Billups for two. Tess Holiday inspired sexy veto calendar. Beautiful. Titanic for eight. Just got, I already know this is going somewhere. Just got $25 worth of booby tape for free due to the fail of a self-checkout. Self-checkouts are the biggest solution in the universe.

Oh, you fucked up. Yeah, wait, did I? Yeah, you thought that was a joke. Well, it really read like one. Who's buying $25 booby tape? What is booby tape? I'm confused. REJ for two gives us a super sticker that says game over.

What is that a picture of? A picture of your death. I love the stickers. They're my favorite. Penalco for two. Josh's dad is Steven Seagal. Oh yeah. Because I know what that's a reference to. You ever, you ever watched Steven Seagal's reality show? No. So Steven Seagal, Tom Segura has joked about it in his standup, but Steven Seagal is like a real life cop in Louisiana. Yeah. And he has a reality show that follows him around as a cop. And he'll literally just start talking to the ethnic, like to the person

in whatever ethnicity they are. Yeah. So like if it's an Asian person who like bow to them and if, and if, and if it's like a black person, he's like, let me tell you something about the playboy. What you doing on the streets? Maybe that's good policing, though. Maybe that's helpful. But it's funny because everyone's like, wow, this is really patronizing. Steven Seagal goes, man, he said they right over there. Let's go play. He's like, man, you is out for justice, isn't you? Yeah, I told you that's out for justice.

They just call him by the titles of his movies. Steven Seagal has some fucking powers, man. He's a real Aikido master. Charisma. Yeah, charisma and stick-to-itiveness. Rich's a real Aikido master. Charisma. Yeah, charisma and stick-to-itiveness. Rich F for five says Amber Lamps. That is also a fun word.

Dominic for five. I'm turning 18 on the eighth and I just quit my job. Any ideas of what I should do before the depressing grog of life takes over? Thanks. I don't know. Go to tech school or something, man. You're 18? You could drink a whole fucking cube of Mountain Dew. You could eat a whole bag of Cheetos and feel nothing.

You could do every drug in your vicinity and feel nothing. Did you guys see that viral video of the male OnlyFans guy who just dumped a bag of cash on his sister and was like, here's your student loan money from women looking at my- Oh, because he's an OnlyFans guy? Yeah, and he was like, paid for by women looking at my dick. Anytime I meet a girl who doesn't have an OnlyFans, I go, wow, you're an attractive girl who doesn't have an OnlyFans.

I'm like, what are you, dumber than rocks? Yeah, OnlyFans killed- You know why I was always mad at Sarah? Because she went to Notch's mansion and didn't suck his dick. I'm like, what are you, fucking stupid? If you're in Notch's mansion, he literally has a billion dollars. Just go for it.

Even if it's a one in a hundred chance that you end up his concubine. If I thought either of you had a billion dollars, I would already have you both in my mouth at the same time. Always suck the billionaire's dick. That's why this girl who's suing Elon Musk. I'm like, come on, you shot your shot. You don't get to complain afterwards. Yeah. 250,000 was not enough. You got 250,000, that's a pretty good deal.

Alright, I'm sorry you didn't get the whole shebang. Not everybody gets to be Bezos' fucking wife or whatever. And Mr. Abtruse for 10 says, Vito, please inform the world I'm an exceptionally straight man and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fool. Ah, fascinating.

We're going to refresh real quick. Was that a reference to something? Yeah, well, he's gay. He's in my Discord. Oh, he's a Discord gentleman. He's gay, and he won't come out of the closet. No, Mr. Abstruse. He's always arguing about it.

Embrace the queer future. It's funny how everybody wants you to come out of the closet as gay, but nobody wants you to come out of the closet as racist. Yeah. Or it's just a belligerent white bigot. No, like somebody's like the one, the mom that never swears. Like, ah, come on. Give us an N-word. You know, what do you think? What did you think about that? It's like, oh, do you notice anything

similar about those people that you keep complaining about? No, they're just you know. I love when they dance around it I went to Europe with my family For the first time when we were kids And my mom was like, oh, the train station It's dangerous

What makes it dangerous? What about it specifically? Why do you think it's dangerous? It's just There's just so many Different sort of criminals there i was like you think there's crime gonna be happening and how would you describe because well they're just they just look very suspicious i don't know yeah it's just it's so good well dick i want to congratulate you

and myself on one beautiful year of the biggest problem in the universe i want to thank our special guest josh denny for showing up yeah thank you guys and uh what a year it's been thank you everyone who supported us over at biggest problem dot show oh and let's also pop on the screen real quick oh yeah yeah yeah our list of our biggest supporters who i remembered to add to uh did i have those up the whole time no no no okay i don't think so no I don't think so either. What was I going to say? What was the high? We went through cuties together.

We went through your false flagging together. Well, I don't know about that. And we went to the Chappelle thing. Yeah, the Chappelle thing. Everybody hated me for something. Everybody hates me for something at some point in time. But the point is the audience has stuck with us. So many of them. Should I not read

the names? Have we reached it? Well, they're on there and we know that we love you and we appreciate our top supporters. And don't forget bonus episodes. Get a load of this. Vito's always bragging about how he's got more supporters on our thing because you can pick one of us. I'm not always bragging.

The one week i bragged so look at this shit hold on let me see if i could pop this up in a new window dick is currently going to patreon.com slash biggest problem to try and come up with some technical reasons okay you see this veto file five bucks dickhead five bucks veto file plus 10 bucks oh where's the where's dickhead plus oh you have to click a button and then scroll down they only have three rows i don't know why they hide why do they hide any of the tears on patreon convenient oh whatever didn't go by alphabetical order i think you caught up anyway i think it's like even split now last i checked my alphabets anyway if all the veto files in the audience

could please uh get it back so i have more of you than dicks. Supporters, that would be great. Because it gives me a secret pride. What did you guys talk about when you did Cuties? Do I got to go back and watch it? No, we love it. It's a great movie. Yeah, we love it.

With a great cast. We jerked off to it. And now everybody on the internet. The whole thing? I still haven't even fucking seen it. I don't even want to see it. It looks boring. That's how hot it is.

Sounds like a guy who watches it. I made a lot of jokes about watching it, but it's like two and a half hours long. Mine weren't jokes. It's like the old Greg Giraldo bit when he was like, I brought a Brokeback Mountain to a guy. He's like, I haven't even heard of it. He's like, you haven't even heard of it. How homophobic do you have to be?

You've won every Academy Award in the world. You haven't even heard of it. Don't of it. Oh, has he seen it? Don't mention it. Yeah. Okay. Thank you to all our supporters.

Again, patreon.com slash biggest problem. And don't forget to vote after the show at biggestproblem.show. Oh, yeah. I got to put those up. Yes. All right. Bye, guys. Bye, guys.

Thanks, Josh. Thank you.