The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 42

Episode Date: May 29, 2022

Unconstitutional Virtue Signaling, Pussy Cops, Unrealistic Expectations, Parking Idlers

what does everyone think of my hat looks uh you think it's a cool hat that i have i like what do you think about my hat i like the little pin you like my pin yeah i got that to customize it for myself yeah to show a little bit of my personality so it's not just a plain hat that i had to buy from the big head hat store that now sends me spam about their hats until the end of time. Did you buy a visor, like, online? Yeah, from the big head hat store that I bought it. Yeah. Well, I'm a big-headed man, and I, uh...

That's why I gotta wear those snapback hats. If I wear a regular baseball cap, it looks silly. What do you mean, a snapback hat? They call these snapbacks for some reason. I think because of the brim or something. What? But they just have, like like a shape to them. You know?

Like this is. Oh. What does it look like in the back? Regular. Yeah. It's a regular hat. I don't know if the back is meant to. I don't know what snapback refers to.

Two guys wearing hats. Two guys wearing hats. That's the show. I forgot a fucking rhyme. Shit. I'll figure one out. Somebody pointed out that Josh Denny was on the show also wearing a hat. And they said that is the default

when you turn 30 years old and you're a fat man, they issue you a set of baseball hats and a shitty beard. You do have to hide the hairline. That you're losing. And the fatness, the beard hides the fatness and the hat hides the hairline. It is all a

manner of subterfuge. Obnoxious funerals. What rhymes with funerals? Why'd you go to funerals? Why don't you... You always pick the hardest word to rhyme with. Okay. Why don't you go with dead? Mourning the dead.

Okay, mourning the dead. And what was my problem? Shitty self-checkout lanes. And getting left on red. Mourning the dead. Scanning. Scanning. Checkout lanes and funeral pains.

There. Oh, wow! Let's do it! Ha ha ha! Yeah! Whoa! Biggest drama in... Yeah! The biggest problem in the universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe!

The only show that ranks every problem in the universe. From self-checkout lanes to funeral pains. Although it's not as funny, though It's not a joke, not a post-it match And joining me as always is BW Smallman Hey, Dick Coming down on my rhyme, which I came up with two seconds before the thing Yeah, it's a good one But whenever you try to do a rhyme, you always go, what rhymes with funerals?

And I'm like, why did you pick the hardest possible word? That doesn't... Corny funerals and not enough Golden Girls. Welcome to Vegas. See if only that was the problem last week. Then we'd be fine. You always try for the most complex rhymes. I'm always here to tell you to streamline.

What a day. What a show. I'm excited to be here. You seem excited. I should. Just all fired up. Banned from Twitter again. It's not fun.

Righteous. No, it's terrible. You gotta stop using words like you use. N-words and R-words. No, no, no. This is a typical... P-words. We'll see why.

Now I'm using a VPN. We'll see if it helps. You still on your old phone? Yeah, but I don't use the app. I gotta buy a new device. You gotta buy a burner, bud. You gotta buy a burner, bud. Buy yourself a burner.

You ready for last week? I guess so. Self-aggrandizing memorial tributes. Wow. So our guest is the winner, the great Josh Denny comedian on Twitter at Josh Denny and having a show in Florida.

Yeah. We should make our guests record I won thing while they're here, just in case they win. Yeah, but then, all right. Do they also record I lost? Yes. And then we'll trick them and play both of them. So they just go, yay, I won.

And then another one's like, oh, no, I lost. Yeah, we're going to work this in seamlessly, okay? Don't worry about it sounding dumb. Josh, how do you feel? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? We're going to work it in really seamlessly. And then we play both of them and all of the times they said, can you do it again?

It sounded dumb it wasn't funny and we just play it all in a row yeah that's what the people want to hear well unfortunately

we don't have the Josh Denny yay I won sound clip but I'm sure he's very excited backseat Googlers number two

it's amazing it's amazing that a problem that you devoted two seconds to you didn't even do like a full problem it's just like who wants that a problem that you devoted two seconds to you didn't even do like a full problem and it's like who wants to be like follow that act yeah that abbott and other abbott act and then uh of course i come in dead last surprisingly a positive after both you and

josh were nagging me on this problem but some people still i had people sending me messages going and i should have wrote it down one guy's like did you figure out how to self open the emails and read them or was that too difficult a guy told me i just had to buy a granola bar for my daughter before soccer practice and then the machine breaks and i gotta wait for some grandma to get help before me oh shut the fuck up this is a real problem stupid to use the self-checkout lane. We can use it. The problem is they break for no reason.

I can't tell if it's broken. All right. How come it was shitty self-checkout lanes? Because there can be good ones. I'm saying in an ideal situation, The checkout lane would be working flawlessly But they always do No they don't I mean they crash sometimes

And then there's no one around to do anything about it There should be more checkout attendants Is another thing There should be one for each machine To stand there No you could have one for like six machines Here's how to fix it So you have self checkout lanes right And you have one for like six machines. Here's how to fix it. So you have self-checkout lanes, right?

And you have one lady or man, well, lady, who monitors six of them. And then if yours is messing up, she comes over to you and hits you in the head with a hammer so that you're dead. And that you stop screwing up everything. Stop pulling up the line for everyone else. It's sort of like eugenics, but directly to people who are already alive. Sure. Just give her a gun at this point. Too soon.

Too soon. Too soon. What are you, the FBI? Over here? Making these suggestions? Private said, you guys are getting better every week. I love this show. Thanks.

Thank you G8 said The memorial story was incredible Was it? I'm glad Yeah why are you so bashful about it? I don't know I just

Cause like no one has ever had their problem Be Vito was too good at a thing That's never been a problem before Vito killed his funeral Vito killed at a funeral Excuse me? What's this guy's Vito's deal? He went to a funeral and

upstaged, without trying, upstaged all the comedians. He went to a comedian's funeral and killed it. I want to say that like Josh is like stretching the truth, but it was weird how everyone's like, dude, good set. How do you stretch? I mean, even if you're in the same ballpark,

like he could be, even if he's exaggerating the most anyone's ever exaggerating, you still killed at a funeral. I know. For a comedian. I just expect, I was going to tell you. Yeah, it was great. Now people expect it. Now the next funeral you go to, they're going to be like,

oh, here comes Vito. I already had a guy, I think he's a fan of the show, get me on a stand-up gig this month. maybe i'm getting back in the saddle did someone die no that's what i said i'm like you know i can only really i'm only really do funerals if they're there to laugh i'm not your guy right right they're there to mourn the loss of a family member i love i can be there and insult their racial ethnicity and get a big laugh. Bobo Bobo Bobo said, Fat Watch

on the spot correspondent. Let the intern take the heat and get the bit. No downsides. All caps. So he's saying we send an intern to the beach to interview fatties and then you review it in studio afterwards? I think so. Well, people liked my pitch for a Fat Watch reality show.

Listen, I think you should bring in a pitch every week. Because you're always pitching me ideas after the show. I've got all kinds of pitches. You're the pitch man. I am the pitch man. You're the hot stock tip veto and also pitch man. I've got nothing but ideas. As I told Dick before,

I have a great idea for our Dungeons and Dragons monthly stream. Dungeons and Dickheads. You, me, Nick Riccata maybe. Couple other guys. He's pretty wide open. Riccata's got no time for anything

now. I think if you call it Dickheads though, it'll get censored though. Yeah, that's got no time for anything now. There was a time. I think if you call it dickheads, though, it'll get censored, though. Yeah, that was one problem. Well, I don't know. Call it dungeons and pussy magnets. I don't know if dickhead would fall afoul of the... I think it sees dick standing alone and it's upset about it. But I feel like dickhead, the filters, that might get around it.

Do you really want to risk building a brand on it, though? Well, I guess you could call it something else. The F slurs. The F slurs. Right? head the filters like do you really want to get around building a brand on it though well i guess you could call it something else the f slurs the f slurs yeah get it see we didn't say the word so the n words that's what we are because we're in the cool kids group we're you know like in sync we're in word it's uh it's a new boy band it's's our beat poetry jam. Because they're rapping instead of... In words. In words, yeah. Nothing but ideas, guys.

You should bring in... Because after the show, you give these really... Terrible ideas? Oh, I wouldn't say terrible. Some of them are great. I couldn't... Yeah. They're all great.

They're all great. I want them all to be done, but I also want everyone to experience the pleasure of you bitching. I have a Vito Giswaldi manic pitch where I'm like, listen, last night it came to me. Okay, that's my next idea. It's like Freddy got fingered. This is what happens to me.

I have a lot of ideas, and sometimes they are really good. Like when we went to the Netflix thing, that was a crazy video pitch. Yeah. And sometimes they're terrible, like that comic book i told you about that i can't talk let's not bring that up publicly but regardless no my whatever it's a whole thing i pitched i couldn't believe a movie i was i'm writing and uh there are some plot uh problems i'm struggling with we'll figure it out i'm gonna have to take this hat off. How do you do it?

DJ AC Blaston said, well, actually, Vito, there's this thing called the Whopper or the Big Mac or a Frosty. Why doesn't McDonald's sell Whoppers, Vito? I saw that comment. You can, they can sell intellectual property. No, the name Whopper. McDonald's should trademark the hamburger.

You were saying if you can't own your invention, no one would invent. So how the fuck do we have a Whopper and a Big Mac? No, it's so different. Wow. Thank God McDonald's can't say, we're selling a fucking Whopper over here, you shitheads. Everyone keeps going down this recipe route. You can't copyright a recipe, okay?

Why? You can copyright a seed. Why You can't copyright a recipe, okay? Why? You can copyright a seed. Why can't you copyright a recipe? Spaghetti, I own it. I'll take five cents every time you talk about spaghetti or eat spaghetti. Because spaghetti is just a method of taking grain and fucking, you know, making it into pasta. What's a song?

Happy birthday. Oh, that'll be $100,000. Okay, but no, no, no. That would be like trying to copyright a specific chord, being like, I own the G chord. I'm the first person to ever put my hands on the guitar in this way, okay? Yeah. You can't do that, because that's like a basic ingredient, okay? Okay. Whatever.

This is stupid. And then everybody keeps coming to me. Did you see the Winnie the Pooh horror movie that's coming out? Yeah, great. No, this is stupid. And then everybody keeps coming to me, did you see the Winnie the Pooh horror movie that's coming out? Yeah, great. No, this is stupid. What do you mean? Everybody's all excited, like, see, Vito, you were wrong, because now that the Winnie the Pooh IP ran out, we're going to get a Winnie the Pooh horror movie.

That's great. You could have just made that anyway. You just didn't have to call him Winnie the Pooh. It's not as good then. Do you know how many horror movies- Kind of like Whiny the Poop? Like, ah, give me a break. How many horror movies are already just basically based on existing toys child's play was based on the the kid buddy doll or whatever it was

my buddy yeah my buddy they look exactly the same of course it's based on my buddy but they didn't have to call it my buddy you just name it the good guy doll and you got the same exact thing yeah but the movie can you imagine that you were trying to sell the my buddy doll and the next thing you know there's a horror movie about how they kill children isn't that kind of unfair to the company that invested all the time in making the my buddy doll it's a bunch of that's like the most known doll movie ever people be flying off the show you're trying to make fun kids toys clowns don't exist anymore because clowns are a horror movie? No, but like if Bozo the Clown was trying to do his kids show

and then the Bozo the Clown horror movie comes out where he cuts the dicks off children, like it would impact his brand in a way that thankfully he's protected by IP. It doesn't have to deal with that. Thank God that we have Bozo the fucking clown. You know what I mean.

Okay. So whose turn? Should we flip? You want to flip for this? Who gets to go first? I mean, I didn't win. Well, I was going to make the argument that Denny's problem was basically

how great Vito is, but no, you came in second, I think, by argument you should go. Here's my problem. It's called parking idlers. It's you get in oh man this bitch that gets in the fucking car and you think oh man it's like when you go to you know when a movie's like six five hours long yeah is this movie over yet what's when's this movie is this movie wrapping

up i don't even know what act we're in That's what it's like being behind some of these ladies when they get in their car and they're about to leave. Yeah. They're in there drinking. I swear to... Randy and I just went to the park, the dog park. Yeah. And I thought I had a primo spot right there, right there at the front gate. And I pull up and sit there.

This woman packs her little kids into the car. So are you waiting to take her parking space? Yes, and she turns the car on, and then, all right, here we go. Oh, here we go. Randy, what's going on? She goes, she's opening the moonroof right now. She's taking drinks of her water. She's got one of those water bottles with the spiderweb wrappers with the whole sustainable product that costs as much as it takes to make 5,000 water

bottles. It's more comfortable with that wrapping around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all sustainable too. Opening the moonroof, the kid is getting out of the backseat thing and twirling around in the moonroof. Send one of these groomers over to take care of this

kid. Grab this kid. What the fuck is going on? She starts taking more sips of the water bottle, and I'm going like Sonic the Hedgehog video game without touching the controller. Bitch, what the fuck's going on in there? What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing in your fucking car for this long? Tick tock! How about a horror movie where the Babadook

goes car to car and you take longer than five seconds like Son of Sam, a giant cock comes out of the ground and decapitates your ass. Fuck in front of your kids.

Fuck you. That's how it starts. My mom was taking, so she would take hours. She would have conference calls in the car before she'd turn it on. She'd turn calls in the car before she'd turn it on. She'd turn it on.

Yeah. She'd turn it on. So calling all of the men in the parking lot. Oh, there's a spot. The lights are on. The brake lights are on. The lights are on. The car's on.

I hear it. I can hear it in my senses like the Jurassic Park. Oh, get me over there. All right. Here we go. What could this take? 10, 20 seconds. I'm home free.

Three hours later. Like SpongeBob.'m home free. Three hours later. Like SpongeBob, three hours later. Three hours later. Right? Yeah. She drank the whole thing of water. Do you think she was making a point? Do you think she was like, that man is waiting for me?

I thought that too, because a woman has once said that to me. Yeah. Like someone was waiting for her, and she's like, fuck this guy. I'm like, bitch. said that to me. Yeah. Like someone was waiting for her and she's like, fuck this guy. I'm like, bitch. Don't pressure me. You know, in your man's world to get out of my parking spot quickly.

I'm going to take my sweet time. I'm like, what the fuck? I vowed to treat her poorly after that. We were dating and I said, I'm going to, I'm going to push the limits.

I want to say, I think this is a woman's problem. I think a man respects Parking What are you doing in there? Expediency You know Stop idling

Parking idlers Get it? Because they're idling Yeah You know what she did then? What? Let me tell you this Before you comment on it

So I said Randy I'm going to bust a nut Over here If this bitch takes even slightly I'm going to bust a nut She goes She pushes. More lights light up.

She's putting her foot on the brakes. Putting her foot on the brakes. Putting it to drive. Puts it to drive. Oh, man. Here we go. My dog's in the back going, what the fuck? I know what the fucking park. I can see the park. Hey, idiot. What's going on? It's not my fucking fault.

This other, this thing, you know how they are. She puts it in drive, pulls forward a foot and a half, stops again. Just stops. Now she's taking up two spots on the curb. And she's just dicking around. Yeah. She's just, well, i think these women have this weird you know it's it is it well it's a position of power to own the parking space oh yeah a woman

encounters very rarely but power she's in control she's in control she runs me yeah you're right now suffering beneath the glass ceiling that she has all. The glass ass. I'm sitting behind staring. Yeah. She has complete power over a man, and she's going to stretch that out as much. More power than she has in her home. Yeah. Or at least did before her husband left her.

Randy got out of the car. I said, uh-oh. Did you go try to go, hey, knock on the window hey yeah he went up to the window and he knocked on it and then he grabbed his fly like he was gonna unzip his and then she went peeled off right away suddenly had some suddenly figured out where the accelerator is now i could sometimes i will get in my car and i'm like well i gotta make a phone call or something but if somebody's waiting i hope that you get in a car accident. Why? It's still my spot at that point. No. Do you turn the car on?

No, that's the thing, is I will make well, maybe to get the AC running, but if I see someone's waiting for the spot, I'll signal. I'll signal. So you do this. No, I think my light, your lights aren't, my car will be running, but like my brake

lights aren't on. I will be backing out of the space before the door closes sometimes. What if I just got a delicious hot dog from the Costco concourse and I want to eat it in my car with my air conditioning and my radio going? That's my right. And I know that Costco parking lot. This is pretty much like you're telling a Jewish person you don't believe the Holocaust happened. What you're doing to me right now. It's worse than that. I'm just saying there's ways that Costco parking lot. This is pretty much like you're telling a Jewish person you don't believe the Holocaust happened.

What you're doing to me right now. It's worse than that. I'm just saying there's ways that it's okay. Because they had bad parking at concentration camps, too. They had terrible parking. They had to use trains because they didn't have anything else. Couldn't get a car in there. Regardless.

I'm saying, like, you can... You can eat a hot dog? Yeah, I'm like, eat a hot dog? Yeah I'm like You know You're just idling in your spot? You get your food or something You eat

No Eat it on the road No I don't want to eat Get everywhere Well no You could Doesn't get Depends on what it is

What do you eat in there? The Costco parking lot is very busy I normally eat You know Taco? The sitting place But I had to make a phone call And I normally eat, you know, at the sitting place. But I had to make a phone call. I had to charge my phone.

So I was sitting there, charging my phone, making a phone call. You're destroying the environment. Eating a slice of Costco pizza. A slice of hot dog? Well, no, I would get a hot dog and a slice of pizza. I mean, if you're going to Costco, you've got to get one of each. You know, they have a big area for you to eat this shit. Yeah, but I had to charge my phone, sit it in my car, and then, you know,

I had to call somebody. Who are you calling? A funeral director to set up another... Set up another meeting. Did you guys hear about this set I had at the funeral? It killed.

What do you think? Throw me in? Every funeral director in L.A. or now. We got the veto package. If you want to lighten up the mood, we have a funeral comic available. He'll pretend to be somebody's friend. You never know who these people are at funerals.

That would be a great service, honestly. Here you go. He's pitching it for real. He's pitching it for real now. This is one of the... The funeral comic. You go, look, I'll pretend to be a long-standing friend. Everyone's really sad.

Yeah, yeah. And I'll make a couple jokes, and then everybody can have fun and get back to drinking. They have to be Persian, though. They have to be Persian. I don't do any other kind of... That's my opener. It works about 5% of the time, usually with the Persian family. Here, look.

We gotta stop. I'm saying you gotta communicate your parking space, you know? If you're in the space, it's your space. No, it's not your space. You're allowed to lawyer in a space as long as you're not into... What do you mean, legally? Yes. Legally, you're allowed to do it, but it's still...

The law is on my side, then. We've got to come up with something to stop... Like the turtle with the straw in its nose. The one, what, the plastic straw? Yeah, remember that turtle that had a straw in its nose? And then we had to ban all straws? Yeah.

So we have to come up with something like a turtle in a parking spot or something to get women to stop. To ban parking loitering. They should be terrified. We have to say that idling in your car kills more kids than, I don't know, swimming pools or pit bulls. Like something kills pit bulls. I don't know. Some way, I like't know, swimming pools or pit bulls. Like something. Kills pit bulls. I don't know. Some way. I like the Babadook thing. You want a

monster that kills children to women. Women. Right. Yeah. Torments them and drags them to a strange psychological dimension. It opens up its pee hole and gobbles them up like the worms in Beetlejuice.

Why is the Babadook your go-to horror monster? This is a great movie. It is pretty spooky. It's like Fight Club for Women. Spooky as hell. Fight Club for Women. Yeah, because it was all in her mind.

Yeah, that's true. Spoiler alert. Fuck you. The Psychological Horror. The Babadook is like one of the only good movies that I've seen in a long time. Yeah? Yeah, my girlfriend made me watch it. I like lady crazy horror stuff you know what

movie sucks what mid somar you know what i have never seen that and only recently have i thought about maybe seeing it it's fucking dumb is it yeah fired up at night when you're masturbating to porn or whatever when you're on bing it is another like lady horror movie it feels like where it's like women getting over their issues and traumas. Murdering their boyfriends. Yeah, exactly. Getting over their issues and traumas, because that's secretly what all women want.

Just murdering men. Yeah. Did you ever see The Vavitch? Did I ever see what? The Witch. No. Also known as The Vavitch. What's a Vavitch?

Well, it's just because it's spelled in the old-timey New England way where a W was made with two Vs. And not a W? Yeah, they didn't have a W back in the day. So they called two Vs a W? They would put two Vs next to each other, and you were just supposed to know to pronounce it as a W. We combined it.

We have U and V, X, Z, and we made a new letter by combining the two Vs. What's it called? A W. That's how that combo works? I don't know exactly how it worked, but back in the way, yeah. Of course you would call that. I think W originally was not a letter.

Well, nothing was originally a letter. It's a W. I guess it used to be also. U's used to look like v's or something i don't fucking know regardless the movie kind of still look like v yeah the movie the witch is a is a good one you should watch that one no i don't like scary movies it's not it's not it's again it's more like a it's even less scary than a babadook it's more of a like i'm afraid that the demons in the movies will be get will become me and that I'm the demon.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Well, that's what the kids who saw Chucky thought, and that's why, thankfully, we have IP laws to protect them so that they don't think that their little sister doll is going to come to life and kill them. Kid sister. Kid sister. Yeah. It was my buddy and kid sister.

Yeah, you know that that was it. I know that. Okay, that's my problem. Look, if you hate, if you know what I'm talking about. Were you going to say if you hate women, vote for this problem? Not necessarily. Because that's always a good cheat. That's a good cheat code for this show.

If you don't love, if you love women in a way that makes you sick, vote up parking idlers, because they are the ones, and Vito, because they're just doing it drinking water and playing on their phone. Yeah. Right? You're eating a pizza and stuff. That's not as bad.

There you go. It's still bad. You need to stop that. Well, I'm not going to, because it's my spot and I own it for the period of time in which i am there okay i have full control yeah yeah yeah i should have like a thing like like a sign in the back that's just like i ain't going anywhere you know and put it in the back window and like a like an illuminated like yeah minion minion in the speech bubble. I ain't going anywhere. This car doesn't leave parking spots.

Kiss my overalls. Kiss my overalls, buddy. Dick, this is a problem that will excite a certain part of our audience because it involves a... I don't know what you want to call it. It involves one president who has done some wrong. I guess my problem is I didn't give this one a clever name.

I was going to call it... You're doing this problem first? I don't know. What is it? Am I supposed to do the goofy problem? Oh, no. The other one's still here.

I was going to do that one second. Okay. I don't know what you're doing. Just go. Okay. I don't know which problems you brought in then. Well, the problem I have is what I would call constitutional, anti-constitutional laws.

Wow. That they know are anti-constitutional and they're kind of doing them as like a little joke. Okay. So I guess like, I don't know what you call it, like joke laws that they know are going to get overturned in the courts. But they just do it like virtue signaling laws, I guess. Yeah. Okay, where you go, you know this is not constitutional. Why are you even trying?

And the example, I have two examples. Well, because every once in a while they sneak one through. Well, yeah, that's also part of the problem. And I don't know if that's what they're doing. Wow. All right. So Biden, of of course had his trillion dollar build back better yeah package wow because we're going to build back better

and i support that i really do which part of it do you support all the building and the backs and mostly the better part the better part i want to get better okay that part excites me the most. The part that does not excite me is the $28.6 billion restaurant revitalization fund. You don't like that. No. Have you heard about this fund, Dick? No. $28.6 billion. Now, that's a lot of money because obviously a lot of restaurants suffered during the pandemic.

Yeah, the scam-demic they called it. Okay, well, that's... I feel like this show is always on the precipice of turning into a QAnon radio program. I just saw people calling it that. And I'm the only one... Oh, I just saw it. I just saw it. I'm not saying it myself.

I'm not saying there's a plandemic or something. All right, Jake. Do you think Alex Jones saw the school shooting and was like, hmm? I'm sure he did. I'm not saying there was 200 mules. I'm just, you know. 2,000. Was it 2,000?

I think it's 200. No, 2,000. That's a lot of mules. Yeah, doing illegal stuff. Nothing happened. Anyway, this did happen. This happened. Yeah, let me actually explain what happened.

Okay, $28.6 billion. That's a lot of money to go to these restaurants that have been negatively impacted by COVID. Great, give it to them. Fuck it. Okay, sure. But how would you like to, you know, duel that money out? Probably to like businesses that could prove losses or have a certain number of employees, stuff like that.

You know what? Yeah, I would give a payroll tax. I would let you just write it off with your payroll taxes. Okay. Because Biden said, let's hand it out based on- You get $100,000 of payroll tax deductions, period. You don't have to pay it. Period, no matter what, every business to-

Every business gets $100,000 in payroll tax write-off today, because most businesses, almost all businesses will fall under that. That's pretty good. And big companies, that won't matter. Biden said, let's only give it to women and socially and economically disadvantaged people. Yeah, take that. Take that, men. Why are all these white men shooting up grocery stores?

I'm going down that way. Don't worry. Why do these shooters keep complaining about the government being racist? I'm going to get these white men. This bill, let's be clear. We've got some anti-shooting funds going out. The plan for the bill was it's available to everybody, but the only people who can apply for the first like 30 days or whatever it is oh we're socially

disadvantaged people plenty of money after 30 days no no that's the problem is that the courts have now been like hold the phone one second there's 28 billion dollars right and they're like that's right yeah like okay and who can sign up to get the money they're like well everybody but for the first 30 days it's black only blacks and women's whatever else and they're like what happens if the money runs out they're like well i guess everybody gets you know bad yeah too bad well too bad i guess we only have so much money exactly so the courts have said this is clearly great anti-constitutional you can't say there's a fund it's for everybody but only these people can apply now, and if the money runs out, white people just don't get any. Like, that's not reasonable at all.

And why? There's so many reasons why this makes literally no sense whatsoever. It's always one of these things that sounds like, well, you know, they're just trying to help historically disadvantaged whatever the fuck. It doesn't sound like that to me. Well, what do you think it is? Do you think it's just them playing around?

Yeah. I think they think they're actually doing something good. But here's like a couple... I think they're trying to manipulate the fabric of society. Yeah. Just like they started with affirmative action. Like that shouldn't have gone through and it did somehow. They're doing so in a way that makes no sense.

For instance, Asian Pacific is one of the people who can apply for the early part. Yeah, the Apex, sure. But it does not include Afghanistan for some reason. Terrorists. Yeah, exactly. It's like, well, I've suffered a lot as an Afghani. We're only giving money to Indians right now. Fuck the Afghanis.

Oh, like they can tell? The business has to be at least 51% Can you go poop in the street for us, sir? I don't know how they tell. Yeah, I'll shit in the street for $26 billion. I'll shit wherever you want. The business has to be 51% owned by a minority. So if you're a white man

and your wife is a disabled midget African Latino whatever and the business is owned equally, you don't qualify for the program. You would have to give her an additional 1% equity of the company to make it minority-owned. Well, you say it's crazy, but LA did that with their weed licenses. Oh, how they handed them out? They only gave them to criminals. You had to have served a 10-year jail sentence to get any weed licenses. Oh, what did they, how they handed them out? They only gave them to criminals. Yeah.

You had to have served a 10-year jail sentence to get any weed licenses and they only had like 10,000. So all these criminals got them. All the people who knew how to run businesses did not get them.

Did not get them and it's just a bunch of criminals who are like, okay, yeah, this legal weed operation is good but what if we sold heroin? And aren't all the dispensaries also now just forced to hire one criminal

to be like part of the business? Yeah. And he's just always there skimming off the top and getting drunk. And he's still a criminal. He's historically disadvantaged from drug crimes.

It wasn't that he was doing drugs. It wasn't that he was like doing only weed and that's why he's a criminal. He's like, no, no, no. It just made criminals deal weed. He's already murdering and shit. Go ahead.

Well, if you want another example, I mean, California is a great example and I'm sure this problem is getting the right wing part of our audience's dick wet to hear Vito shitting on the liberals.

But, what is our current guy? No, because you voted for this. This guy makes them more pissed off. I did vote for this. Yeah. And I hate that.

If I'm accepting what the liberals have done or whatever that i voted for or whatever then yes yeah the worst shit we do is we just come up with these clearly retarded diversity whatever laws because you hate white men is that not obvious okay well i don't do what they do another example has been these California laws, which make no sense to me, where your corporation, if it has five people on the board of directors,

two of them have to be women. If it's six or more, three of them have to be women. You're like, why? Is she better at running the business because she's a lady? And then Newsom added this other diversity requirement. He's like, at least one of them has to be from a historically underrepresented group including like gay lesbian or transgender like legally you can't have a corporation without at least one gay guy yeah and i'm here going how does

the government know if i'm gay or not can i just go all right i'm gay we're good it's like what is the government gonna do to determine whether i'm not I'm one of the real gays you know to meet the diversity requirement of the corporate board do I have to like suck a dick on camera to prove to the government that I'm gay yeah and wouldn't a business owner just be like you know what I'm going to take one for the team I'm going to be the gay member of the board of directors

because it's going to be better than letting some crazoid liberal nut job serve on our board and screw everything up I'm not saying there aren't capable gay directors out there but why do you have to have than letting some crazoid liberal nutjob serve on our board and screw everything up. I'm not saying there aren't capable gay directors out there, but why do you have to have one? Nah, you can't run a business if you're gay. You can run a business if you're gay. Nah, you're too busy doing poppers and having monkeypox butt sex. What's the point of running a business if you're gay?

The only reason to run a business is to make money, to lure women in, to assault. Yeah. Someone's got to sell the poppers, Dick. And at the board of directors of the Poppers Emporium, I'm sure there are many capable gay gentlemen. Two guys having butt sex? Yeah. At the corporate board. Well, they're, you know.

Did I ever tell you this? So my sister calls me up and she's like, are you never going to believe this is can't believe this is happening you're never gonna believe this she's no dad's filing out this grant for a gay and lesbian uh business grant for facebook or something like that can you is that like can you believe that and i said i just filled out the same grant yeah why would you not? How many of your board is gay? A hundred percent. All of them.

What the fuck? Yeah, how do you know? Being this fucking gay, and we're all closeted, and we're married to these beard cunts. Don't leave us alone about it. Give us some money so we can get over this. Because I'm so gay. Yeah. I mean... You wouldn't believe this. Because I'm so gay. Yeah. I mean.

You wouldn't believe it. We live at this time. And I got people that are trying to tell me that I don't think I'm gay and I just want to fucking kill them. Okay. You're really prepared for the interview. Oh. You're ready to go.

It's outrageous. It's outrageous what's happening to the gay community. It's outrageous how I'm treated as a gay, a closeted man it's fucking outrageous yeah i don't these laws make no sense they're just utterly bizarre why are we trying to mandate diversity in these crazy ways again you gotta destroy the white you gotta give one percent of your business to your wife like how does that help make the world better what if a? What do you think the goal is? Another great example was like, what about a guy in Hong Kong owns a business that, you know, only employs white people?

He can get the diversity grant. Yeah. But then like a Persian or whatever, an Afghani business owner employs only minority employees who are all suffering. Right. He's not diverse. And it doesn't even look at the makeup of the company, the employees. Again, what if you're a white guy and you employ all black guys?

You don't think your business should get a grant to help elevate your employees? You think the NBA needs grants? No, not the NBA. For the restaurants and the whatever. What business are you talking about? The NFL? They get enough grants. Yeah.

I was thinking more, you know, I'm sure there's plenty of restaurants where they're using minority talent. Mexicans. In the kitchen. Minority talent. They're using Mexicans. Regardless, all of these laws are blatantly anti-constitutional. And then they just end up getting tossed out because it's like a silly little fun trick they tried to play. Yeah, but they'll get them through. They will a few that's what that's what it is it's a just a mob of pushing and they push at anything they can like this stupid texas abortion shit

they pushed and pushed and you're like well that's that's retarded you can sue for 10 grand? What the hell is wrong with it? And then it goes to Supreme Court? Wow! They got a drill! Yeah. Amazing! The legal system. $40 billion Ukraine!

Is a complicated thing. Yeah. But I don't think that they're, I don't know what they want. To me, it feels again. They want to kill and destroy white men. Why is this so hard? Oh, this show is so...

We're radicalizing America. Why is this? Why is this? No, no, no. Did you not see Married With Children? They've been doing this for a hundred years. Maybe they don't believe in the traditional example of representation. I don't know what they're doing.

Okay, well, how about this? They're doing it because they're anti-Semitic. Is that better? That's very possible. That's very... I mean, representatively, a lot of white guys. Regardless, again, I don't even

know what to call this problem. It's just unconstitutional laws. Fake laws. Hail Mary unconstitutional laws? Unconstitutional laws. Fake laws? Hail Mary unconstitutional? Yeah, I hate to always be... Performative? It's veto brings in another anti-diversity problem.

But this is in the law. Like, this is way more scary to me than, like, it just happening as a matter of... I hate when things are codified into documents and made official. It's one thing when, like, just stupid activists are going like,

kill all the white people, and you're like, alright, well, they're fucking nuts. And Biden shows up and he's like, I bankrupted all the white people. Well, I mean, because it's true. You're just afraid to say it. Because it has bad ramifications. Yeah, I know, and I don't know why. You're correct. Well, that's why I get upset when they're like going,

I'm just not afraid to say it. They're like, can you believe Tucker Carlson has radicalized people by talking about white erasure or whatever? No, you guys have been erasing white people forever. I'm like, what do you mean? That's absolutely happening. We know this. We see it constantly.

The famous one that we brought up, the Kermit the Frog. You can't stick your hand up Kermit the Frog's ass unless you are either a woman, a bisexual, lesbian, transgender, whatever the hell, or a person of color. Yeah. Pretty soon there's going to be a waiting list for driver's licenses. If you're a white man, sorry, it's going to be like a taxi cab. Well, we only got 100,000 white men we can give driver's licenses to.

And that's what makes me so upset, too, is that people go, this shooter was radicalized by, or everybody's being radicalized by Tucker Carlson. And I'm like, no, you're doing it. You guys are. Tucker Carlson's entertainment. Tucker's just reporting on what you did. You did it. And it drives me up a fucking wall.

Yeah. So, yeah, we'll come up with a name for this. It'll be on the website. Anti-constitutional, whatever the fuck. That's a mouthful. Well, we'll figure what are you what are you bringing in for your second problem does it rhyme with pops it does rhyme with pops yeah okay because i all right this might be a first what for this show i have all the right wing problems no because we have opposing problems oh okay because i have unrealistic expectations.

Oh, cool. Right? So maybe I should go first? No, I'll go first. Sure. Unrealistic expectations, right? Like, oh, I'm going to go out tonight and get laid. I'm like, no, you're not.

Sure. I'm going to go to... This guy over here. Right? Yeah. Oh, wow. If I start taking hormones, I'm going to look like a dainty little princess in a couple months. No, sorry. Works for somebody.

Sorry, my friend. Trixie suggested that one. I put it out on Twitter. Hey, what's an unrealistic expectation? And she says, taking hormones, doing trans thing. I think Trixie has become our token trans, whatever you want to call it. What the hell? Spokesperson. That was just me. that wasn't meant to be a token comment well i brought her on to talk

about ezra miller being crazy and he's a transgender non-binary whatever she's great miller yeah you didn't know ezra miller the flash that's a guy oh i gotta show you an arrest video later i thought you were gonna say erection no no, no, no, no, no, no. I got to show you an erection. You have to see Ezra Miller yelling at a cop going, I'm transgender, non-binary. Stop touching my penis. Yeah, that's cool.

That's cool. Yeah, that's a good move. Here's a list of unrealistic expectations. Politicians. Oh, I voted for him. No, no, that's not happening. Oh, so like you didn't vote for this. So like you never act because they never do. No, you still voted for him to- No, no, that's not happening Oh, so like, you didn't vote for this So like, you never- Nah, you still voted for it

You shouldn't have voted You vote! No, I don't You didn't vote for- I forget I voted for Trump If you ran again, would you vote for him again? I'd vote for him twice I would go to swing states and start harvesting

ballots illegally yeah exactly mule it as i did famously during the biden elections yeah shit did i say that on oh god so you do you do admit that there was mulling there was no mulling why would there not be mulling this is a long discussion why would there not be if there's mulling you have to show me evidence of the mewling and it can't just be why do you think we bought cell phone data yeah because if there was the mule would come forward and claim whatever conservative bounty was put out there to identify yourself as a mule if you said i have $100,000 bounty to anyone who can prove that they helped deliver ballots. But then you'd go into prison.

No, because you could just be like, oh, I saw other people do it or whatever the hell. Well, that's not going to get a bounty. Or if you're a whistleblower, you'd probably get a fucking pardon from Trump. Trump would give you a pardon as he's sworn in as they overturned the election. You know who got a pardon for doing this? Seth Rich. Remember that guy? You know what happened to him for whistleblowing?

Okay, that's complicated. I'm sorry. What happened for the kids in the audience? What happened to Seth Rich for whistleblowing on the Democratic Party? Didn't he get shot in the back of the head or something? He got shot in the back of the head. It was a suicide. Yeah.

Three bullets. Another white man eliminated by the Democratic Party. Oh, shut up. You don't know what fucking happened. Just do your problem. Jesus Christ. Seth Rich. This really is just a QAnon podcast at this point.

No, no, no. No. Those guys are quote unquote crazy. Alex Jones has a great explanation for what happened at QAnon too. Got taken over. You should listen to itAnon too Got taken over You should listen to it Yeah, got taken over from the inside

By that Watkins character So if a bowl of candy is put out on Halloween Like Halloween, take one piece of candy And then you go there and the bowl is empty In your mind, you have to say like Well, show me evidence that some kid just took a bunch of candy. Yeah. I still feel bad about doing that as a kid.

And you're defending the Democrat... The mules? So there's nobody watching these elections and you're like, well, show me proof that somebody stole all this candy. Oh, whatever. All the ballots are stamped and shit. Stamped?

Stamped? Go on. Politicians. You get a girlfriend? Yeah. Oh, expectations. Wow. Reality.

Not as good. Stinko. Stinko. Going out with friends, right? Sure. Oh, man. I feel like you're leading up to something. Investments. Never work out. Going out with friends Right Sure Oh man I feel like you're leading up to something Investments

Never work out College Oh man Being an adult Oh it's gonna be so great Not great I can buy I can smoke cigarettes

Yeah Get laid all the time Dating every week Reality Okay Playing video games by yourself Cops Cops

So interesting Expecting cops To run into buildings With shooting Reality, playing video games by yourself. Cops. Cops, so interesting. Expecting cops to run into buildings with shooting happening. Yeah. That's not happening. It's not their fault that you expect them to go do something dumb that you're not doing, that nobody would do. Yeah. Nobody would do what you're...

You think $70,000 is gonna make them go run into a shooting school? Who's shooting in here? Oh man, I'm dead! Was that worth, idiot? Was that worth 70? Who's the idiot here? I'm a cop.

Oh yeah, I'll, oh sure. How much? And I get to pull people over and turn my sirens on and write them tickets. And if they have too much cash, I'll take it. And, like, you know, just fucking whack them. Like, oh, there's a shooting happening at a school. Can you take care of that? No.

Why would I? I'd rather go write traffic tickets. You have other government employees in there that want to get out. Why would I go? I'm a government employee. Why would I go in there that want to get out. Why would I go? I'm a government employee. Why would I go in there? That makes no sense. Maybe you should think before asking me to do stupid.

Your expectations are totally retarded. Yeah. Right? Look, I understand that you probably don't want to run into a shooting, right? Don't want to. Don't want to. I don't want to run into a shooting, right? Don't want to. Don't want to. I don't want to. Yeah.

But maybe you could get a job where you would never be presented with that as a possibility, you know? Well, or just do a bad job. I mean, that really is what it is. I'll just be not a great cop and still get paid the same amount. If there's a big pizza order, you're like, I don't really care. I'm just going to mess it up. I don't care. They're getting their order late. Oh, well. Cops are like, well, they're getting late

policing. I don't know. Maybe cops should be paid specifically on cool stuff they do. If you're the one who pops a shooter, you get a $50,000 bonus. Well, that's how the FBI works. The FBI makes shooters. Yeah.

They go- To claim bounties within the organization. Yeah, they go into Discord and say, wouldn't it be awesome if you shot up a school? And then they go do it, and the FBI's like, we need more FBI guys because all these fucking kids are going nuts.

It justifies the budget of the FBI. Yeah. They do that. That is what they do. So that didn't work then. And firemen do that too. Firemen they do. So that didn't work then. All right. And firemen do that too. Firemen start fires. They bust them all the time.

Yeah, I've seen some of that. Yeah. Like, you know what? Instead of paying you just normally, instead of paying you to sit around and cook for each other and cheat on your wives, we're just going to pay you on fires you stop. Yeah. And then, whoop, all of a sudden, where do these fires come from? Where do they keep leaving gasoline cans

and matches in your playgrounds? So I think you should say your problem, so we have fighting problems. Well, my problem, Dick, is pussy cops. Yeah. Yeah. Who just sit around and let all the craziness go on and then come in afterwards and go, well, job well done here.

Oopsie. Oopsie. I would love to. I wish I had been a little quicker. I want to be a PR spokesman for the police so I can do that one. Like, hey, you know what? We had him cornered. We had him cornered in the school.

Yeah. He wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going anywhere. There's a lot of other schools. Yeah. He could have shot all those kids and then escaped. But we made sure he was pinned down. Yeah. He wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going anywhere. There's a lot of other schools. He could have shot all those kids and then escaped. But we made sure he was pinned down in the school.

And, you know, we had him pinned down and as, you know, obviously family members were trying to run and rescue their children, we made sure they didn't interfere by setting up police tape and handcuffing some of them. Well, we don't want them to get shot. They're paying taxes. We're helping them, of course. For another 10 years or something.

I mean, let's see. It took 45 minutes to an hour before they went into the Ouvillade, Texas shooting. You know. Sounds like it's in Africa. How many kids can he possibly shoot in 45 minutes? Like one every 10 minutes at the most. Uh-huh. Famously, Columbine was when they were supposed to

change it because police just waited outside for an hour while those kids just went around just shooting everybody what do you mean change it well that was like when they changed up the originally the response to a shooter was wait for backup hang out whatever else yeah then they were supposed to have like okay from now on if you know that kids are being murdered in a school- You got to run in there. Well, you run in there, right? We're not going to pay you if you would say no. Yeah, I'll run in there.

Sure. Yeah, sure. What's the worst that could happen? I get fired. I mean, they did get fired at a- Damn it, there's a shooting. Majorey Stoneman Douglas High School, where even though there was an armed deputy inside the school

He's like, I didn't know where the shots were coming from I thought they might be coming from outside I thought they were coming from my house I was all turned around, you know Two other cops showed up and they're like We can't figure out what's going on Let's just hunker down here This guy was saying that the shots were coming from over there

Yeah God forbid you run into the school and go, hey, is there a shooter in here? Are the kids okay? No, stay outside. Yeah, what are you? Are you running into schools? No, but I'm not. I didn't sign up for a job in a country where gun violence exists,

and I know that that could potentially be part of my position. So what? We're just accepting that cops are useless? Okay, what which is accepting that cops just are useless i think okay fine yes yes they are useless so let's stop i'm pretending they're otherwise yes i'm saying pretending otherwise is like it's like agreeing to this delusion that you can hire somebody to keep you safe yeah and you cannot and it affects it affects what people do it affects how people vote and behave and their opinion on guns and self-protection and all these and and reliance on the government for things that the government cannot do but you believe that people

should have guns for self-defense i think people should have nuclear weapons for self-defense okay so the cops are useless and only self-defense matters, basically. Say that again? Like, you can never count on the cops to protect you. Oh, no. So you should only rely on self-defense. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you call the cops, they'll show up in seven hours. They'll show up instead by accident and go, I don't know. I just thought he was a bad guy. Yeah, they'll shoot your dog. You go, I took care of the dog. That's one of the first things that the cops are here to do. Dog's going to die eventually. I'll flashbang your toddler, famously, if you remember that case.

Don't you think that people's, like when people, okay, here's my thing with unrealistic expectations. Yeah. You should not ever be surprised in life. Like, that's on you. If your girlfriend cheats on you, you're like, no, you if your girlfriend cheats on you you're like no

you know you should've honestly you kinda should've there's a lot of warning signs you should've seen that coming

right like a car maybe a car accident you get t-boned by a drunk driver like Sam Kinison you can't see that coming a lot of these things

all these cops didn't fucking react again like you guys have weird expectations about well then maybe my problem is more just the the myth of the hero comp that people do believe that these cops are all heroes now you're stealing my problem though i guess maybe i'm just backing i mean our problem is kind of one problem it feels like we agree in a way yeah it's complicated you

think cops should do something about it well it's more that i hate the way that society is like well you got to respect the cops and i'm like why they what for what reason what are you talking about and they're like well they have such a dangerous job and then you look and it's like not at all not even like slightly dick yeah did you see this thing going around where I forget one senator was like, we're going to have a day, you know, whatever day remembrance for the cops. Because did you know 625 cops died in the line of duty in 2021? That's it? Oh, it gets way better.

Podcasters. Dick. Ralph got beat up. Yeah. Podcasters beat up in the line of duty. Dick, 625 cops died in the line of duty. Okay. I want to give you a couple of these.

Gunfire, 62 dead. That's terrible. Wait, a year? In 2021, this was 625 decks. 62 died to gunfire. Okay. Let's see. 14 were struck by a vehicle.

17 vehicular assaults. So, okay, a lot of assaults there. Struck by a vehicle or vehicular assaults? 14 of them are struck by a vehicle. So it could just be there were traffic cops out. People get struck by it. People who work in the road, road crews get struck by vehicles. One of my favorites, which this number is dwindling, but I was always like, how is this a line of duty death? But every year, this year, only 12, 9-11 related illness.

You know, the line of duty, 9-11 related illness. Here's probably the most shocking one. That was 9-11, so annoying. Remember, these are line of duty deaths. These men died tragically in the line of duty. Okay. COVID-19, 446 deaths. Dick, 625 cops died tragically in the line of duty.

446 were to COVID. These men are heroes, putting their lives on the line every fucking day. COVID. These men are heroes, putting their lives on the line every fucking day. And literally a senator goes, did you know 625 cops died in the line of duty? Lindsey Graham. I think it was actually a Democrat. I forget, but they're supporting this bill. A Democrat senator said something, Doug? I think so.

Because now the Democrats are trying to be super pro-cop because they realized all the defund the police stuff was like really fucking up their polling numbers. Yeah. Because it turns out that city black people really want cops to be there. Yeah, to put away the criminals and have them stop. So, Dick, these hero cops, 446 died of COVID. And let's keep in mind that they are not even in the top 10 most dangerous jobs, not even in the top 20. Being a police officer is the 22nd most dangerous job.

14 cops dying per 100,000. Again, mostly to COVID. Wait, look at this. Look at this. So 2021, 472, this thing says? Yeah. What is this? There's2 this thing says yeah what is this there's something it's this this says year by year breakdown law enforcement deaths throughout u.s history uh 472 2021 2020 373 oh my god and then it drops down to 2019 150 so covid hit yeah and it ramped up and they said,

I can't believe all these cops are dying. It's clearly the anti-police sentiment that is killing these hero cops. We need to back the blue dick. Dude, this is like nothing. Yeah. Because this is all the way back. It's insane how few cops die. You would think way more.

The number of people that they shoot at and kill. I would have said 10,000. Yeah, it's nothing because i just see it on movies for every police officer bagpipes oh another cop died oh my god and they none of them die for every cop that was killed by a civilian in 2019 21 civilians were killed by cops in the same period they have a 1 to 21 ratio. They're clearly bad. They're not heroes.

At least some of them, yes. There's heroes in any population. I'm sure there's hero garbage collectors. Hitler saved a cat or two. Yeah, sure. Everybody's got their hero moment. But for the most part, we're told, oh my God,

these cops risk it all. They put it all on the line. They don't at all nothing they go what there's a shooting that'll sort itself out shooter will probably kill himself and then we don't know how to do anything 150 that's none i know all the fucking around that they do and all the pulling people over for no reason and stealing drugs and money and the deaths again. And harassing women. As we say,

it'll be like motorcycle crash and then you read and it's like he rode his motorcycle too fast and he flipped over a barrier. He wasn't even killed by a person. He killed himself in the line of duty. Cops, they beat so many wives. Yeah.

You'd think the wives would slap some iron down on them, right? You would hope. You'd think. Yeah. Well, I down on them, right? You would hope. You'd think. Yeah. Well, I don't know about it. I'm not going to say that. Well, defend yourself, women.

You have the same right to self-defense as any other citizen. Not against cops. We still got no knock raid. Oh, man. And they're still padding the numbers with 9-11 related illnesses. Like, motherfucker, that was 20 years ago. You can't call that a line of duty death. You know, I just, I can't even, I feel like I can't even speak about 9-11 anymore.

Yeah. Bankers, what happened, who was the biggest casualty in 9-11? Bankers, policemen, firemen. Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. It's a horrible thing that happened. Sure.

Can't believe it. What a horrible tragedy. Anyway, what were you saying about 9-11 illnesses? I'm just saying that... Oh, you're the man. Thank you, Randy. I'm glad that the right seems to have gotten over their weird cop worship. They keep waffling on it.

They go from this back the blue, blue lives matter thing to like, oh no, we actually hate the cops because on January 6th they tried to do their job and prevent us from storming the Capitol. I don't think they know if they try to do their job. They also opened the doors to the Capitol. Okay, so just decide if you like cops or not. Stop waffling on it.

Yeah, but this is the thing, okay? This is what I'm saying about unrealistic expectations that you are also guilty of. Okay. Because everybody has this wrong idea. It's like everybody has their own different idea of what God is, and then they fight and they kill each other over it, but it doesn't matter because there's not any God.

So whatever you think it is, just go nuts. Some kind of insecurity, right? Yeah. Some kind of, like, whatever you call God in your head, it's fine. I don't care. I'm with it. Problem is, people have the same thing about cops. So they're like, well, this is what I think cops is.

Yeah. They show up, and they do all this stuff. And then other people are like, well, this is what I think cops is. If you were having butt sex, then they show up and throw you in jail. Right? As they famously did. This is what I think cops is. If you're a comedian telling the wrong joke, they take you to the thought police court.

That's it. If you're saying anything like, everybody has, and that's what the unrealistic expectation is, because this person actually exists, and it's just some fat idiot. Who doesn't want to get shot in a school, so he goes,

somebody else will handle this. Yeah, he's like, well, you know what, actually, I don't care. Why do I got to. So he goes, somebody else will handle this. Yeah, he's like, well, you know what? Actually, I don't care. Why do I got to be the first guy? I'm getting paid regardless. I'm going out and playing Call of Duty and listening to Tucker Carlson.

I don't give a fuck about this. And if my wife says anything about it, I'm a popper in the lip. As is my way. I hate my boss. Yeah. I've been chewed out before. Well, that's the thing is, yes,

we should just treat them as shitty employees like every other job they're not there to serve any example to anyone or do anything they're there to perform don't do anything the smallest amount of service and receive as much money as possible for it and then get paid overtime going to a court trial for all the fake tickets they wrote yeah we're riding the metro around yeah sleeping They get paid for that too, right? Yeah.

They just ride the train around all day. Are they metro cops doing that? Any of them can do it. At any point, you as a cop can just sit on the metro ride around and get paid. Yeah, you sign up for metro duty. Hang out, play Nintendo Switch. Put on some headphones. Ogle women.

Hassle blacks. Okay. All right. Strict expectations. put on some headphones ogle women hassle blacks okay all right sick expectations and uh but then you say hassling blacks and say well what that's what they do yeah i mean like for fun i'm saying not the ones that are like criminals that's what they're i don't know i honestly would have to talk to because you talk to a black person who lives in a high crime area. They want the cops to hassle everybody. They want the cops to hassle people. Do you support stop and frisk, Dick? No.

No. It's legal. I don't know if it's still legal. Supreme Court says it's legal. But didn't New York say stop doing it anyway, or are they still doing it in New York? Yeah, New York said stop doing it. But then, now we're going back into a recession hell, so maybe they started up again. Like, all this crime is dependent on money.

I mean, I want them to stop all these shoplifters, but they don't do that either. Why do you want them to stop shoplifters? The ones who, like, break into the store and break everything. Look, if you're going to steal a couple things, don't break all the fucking glass cases and shit yeah you know leave those poor cvs employees alone like i don't care about what you're doing there the consumer value society deserves better uh yeah so your problem is that their name's Consumer Value Something. I thought it's store. Probably store. You think it's a whole society of value?

Back when they sold cigarettes, my buddies would always go, let's hit up the Consumer Value Society and get some smokes. What does it stand for? CVS stand for... We were proud soldiers. Consumer Value Stories. We were proud soldiers in the CVS Army.

But you thought it was a society. Well, it is a society. We made it a society. We're proud soldiers in the CVS army. But you thought it was a society. Well, it is a society. We made it a society. We're soldiers in the... Man, CVS is cool. Don't fuck with CVS. No, fuck CVS. They betrayed... How much cigarette money have they taken in over the years? And then they

betrayed their values? They betrayed their... You're right. They're the consumer value store and they betrayed their consumers' values. Now they're all about health. Now they're the cuck value store. I do wish they sold. It was cool when they sold cigarettes. That was the place to go.

Yeah. I didn't even smoke. I just supported it. Me too. As a matter of principle. And they cucked so they could steal health insurance money. And it's working very well. They're getting paid and laid in the shade with that pharmacy money.

Your problem was? Parking idlers And Unrealistic expectations And that goes for all unrealistic expectations Mine is anti-constitutional virtue signaling Laws? Laws, sure I think laws is implied

Okay, anti-constitutional And Pussy fake hero cops whatever you want to call it. Well, what do you want to call it? Well, I don't know if I'm treading on your... I originally had just pussy cops. Okay. Pussy cops. They don't do shit.

Pussy cops? The whole like, oh, I'm a cop. Oh, my God. It's so hard to be a cop We're getting murdered No one respects We're getting murdered Over here

Society doesn't Disrespect There's no respect For the cops So you go Why would I respect You can't even get killed In numbers that are like

Interesting It's like none of you Are doing anything dangerous But look at the historical And then you whine about Oh code The line of duty I lost so many guys, the line of duty.

I lost so many guys in the line of duty. We'll put on a mask or some shit. Fuck you, COVID. So you're saying that 400 cops would have survived if they wore masks? If they had gotten those vaccines, they might still be here. So it would have been like 400 down to what? Probably, you know, like two. Yeah, exactly.

Really? 98% efficacy. Wow, COVID's a mate. So COVID, you could just stop all deaths with a mask. See, now I'm going to lose this problem

because I made it a COVID thing. Regardless, I just don't know what you think would have happened if all the cops were vaccinated.

I think there would have been less deaths. How many? You see those cops. Some of them are the tubbies. Yeah. The big boys.

They're fat. The guys who look like me who should not be cops because they of them are the tubbies. Yeah. The big boys. They're fat. The guys who look like me, who should not be cops because they look like me. They look different, though. They have this kind of cop fatness. They have a weird cop balance to them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this kid's getting shot in there.

I don't know. I don't know about going in there, boss. I'm like, all right. Something's got to be done about the police. Officer Haas, just eat a donut and sit this one out. Anyway, that- I feel bad because, like, guys get into it believing- Like, I feel bad when I shit in the military, too, because, like, guys get into it and-

They beat it out of you. They beat what out of you? If you're a cop and you're like, I want to do a good job, they're like, shut the fuck up. But sometimes they do. This is all a Ponzi scheme to get as much overtime as possible. Here's the various strategies we've implemented to do that. Yeah. It's just you can't separate them from what the function is.

They chase out the, what do you call it? What was that guy? Christopher Dorner. If you're a good cop they chase you out he was a good cop and then you gotta go rogue can't corner the dorner as they say that was so disappointing that he didn't kill very many cops at all i didn't say that i was expecting a longer drawn out affair yeah i was i thought he would you gotta go into hiding man yeah you can't just go into a cabin In Big Bear

He didn't have a big plan What an He should've gone to this Inner city He should've He should've gone underground In the sewer He should've got Antifa

To hide him Antifa didn't exist back then Well Antifa has always existed Dick Isn't that the point? Oh yeah Since the

Since they were Since they Forced out the Buzzalini And the Nazi And whatever the fuck I don't know Alright You wanna do voicemails now? Yeah, since they forced out the Mussolini and the Nazis. Whatever the fuck. I don't know.

All right. You want to do voicemails now? Let's do voicemails. And everybody, don't forget to vote for the problems. We'll put them up after the show at biggestproblem.show. Okay. Check out our bonus episodes at patreon.com slash biggestproblem. What's up, Dick and Vito? This is Rex Sexton.

And my biggest problem is adult picky eaters. As a man of Scandinavian heritage, or Viking heritage, as I prefer to say, it is true that white people don't know how to season their food. And I guess I'm lucky that my mom cooked us dinner every night after homeschooling

us all day long, but every meal was potato in some fashion, chicken in some fashion, canned vegetables, and milk. Bland, yes, but also easy to eat when you're chained to the radiator. Anyway, when I grew up, by happenstance, I befriended a smattering of chefs, cooks, sommeliers, and others who knew their way around the kitchen, and my universe changed. When you're eating, you want a lot of sensory input from the ingredients you're consuming. That's part of the adventure. It's infuriating when people, grown-ups, take a tiny nibble of something so small they can't even taste it or just like rub it on their lips while making a disgusted face and crying.

I don't like it. It's fine if you don't enjoy a particular flavor or texture or whatever but at least experience what the food is supposed to elicit it's a fucking pickled onion not fucking moose liver it's not going to kill you grow the fuck up and eat something that isn't pre-packaged sodium riddled msg laden processed garbage you uncultured shitwit fucking standard issue npc just walk around us without a fucking synopsis in their brain. Anyway, go fuck yourself. We do have a generation that is, I don't know why kids were such picky eaters in the most recent.

Like, I had a nephew that would just only eat chicken fingers. Like, for every single meal. Yeah, but he was a little, like, old. Like, I think he was, like, 12 and still doing it. And you're like, come on, dude. What's going on here? Did you ever see that thing where like uh millennials or not millennials now what do they call them zoomers yeah are afraid to touch raw meat could you could you imagine if we didn't have like the tos hanging over our head what we would call that generation no dick generation

right wouldn't that be so funny oh Oh, what are you, Gen X? What's the next generation? Generation! Oh, God! Oh, no. Oh, God. Yeah, guess what? You're generating... I need Elon Musk to buy Twitter. I need Elon Musk to buy YouTube.

The number of slurs that would just be so much fun to toss around. How old are you? Oh, you're in generation. Yeah, there was a report that they're afraid to touch raw meat. So grocery stores started making these special packages so you could dump the meat into the pan without ever having to touch it with your hands. Because these kids are fucking weirdos and psychos. Yeah.

Well. Who just want to eat chicken tenders and chocolate milk and i'm like well i don't like getting stuff on my hands though i just wash your fucking hand no then it's like in there what the meat like whatever the hell yeah i don't like it i mean you can use tongs i guess too close because you might you might get it on the backs of your hands. Do you cook? Yeah. Yeah? You use a lot of spices?

Yeah. As a Hispanic man, you probably have a... Hispanics. Hispanics. Latinx. I like slow cooking. That's what I like to do. My family...

Yeah, my mother was not a great cook. Sorry, Mom. But, you know, I learned how to cook. Your mother was Italian? No. Oh. She was a... You mother was Italian? No. Oh. She was a... You're half Italian?

I'm half Italian, a quarter... What am I a quarter? I think I'm a quarter Irish and a quarter Scottish. We thought I was a quarter Irish and a quarter German. Your mom's Irish? Yeah, my mom was Irish-German, but then we found out my German grandmother is like either full-blooded Scottish or something. Wasn't real German. My mom's Irish-German, but then we found out my German grandmother is either full-blooded Scottish

or something. Wasn't real German. My mom's Irish-German, too. Can't cook toast. Yeah. I mean, the Germans have interesting cuisine, but it is very...

Sausage, that's it. German cuisine is pretty bland, actually. There's not a lot of spice. I mean, I don't know. Do they have a lot of spices going on? Just like a sausage

has spices in it. All those ovens, can't use them. All those ovens were left behind and not put to good use. We've got to do something. The sausage ovens. We're certainly not cooking. Yo, just a heads up. I just went through Walmart with one of their self-checkouts.

Yup. Apparently, I was scanning a shirt, and apparently there's a detector now that tells the store if it thinks you're trying to steal something from their self-checkout. Boom. Because when I was scanning that shirt, it just stopped me dead in my tracks and said, we need someone to take a look at this. And then it showed them a replay of while I was scanning the shirt. It showed them a replay of well. I was scanning the shirt showed them a replay

I was and the Walmart person didn't really care but the most important part is that they're trying to make these things Figure out whether or not we're trying to steal shit So be on the lookout for that fuck their video recording me while I scan so they can run it back They got mad narrating it, too. Let's see that. There's a shirt going across right here. You can see him. Shoplift from the self-checkout.

Well, you still can. Well, you still can. God damn. I hate the future. When I was a kid, I would look forward to the future. I thought there would be cool stuff happening. But now, I hate the future. It, I thought there would be cool stuff happening. But now, like, I hate the future. It's pretty not great.

All I think about is doing bad things. Yeah. You know? And how much bad things will be done to me by the government. All I think about is the welcoming embrace

of the eventual grave I will occupy. Yeah. And just sleep. And making the news and getting there. File footage. All I think about

is what a mass shooting event I'm going to instigate to really go out and blaze a fire, Dick. Where would you go? Where would you do a mass shooting? I mean, I feel like

the clock tower is the classic, like, who doesn't want to not be the clock tower guy? The clock tower shooter? Because that just will stay with you. Like, oh yeah,

that guy who climbed that clock tower guy. The clock tower shooter? Yeah. Because that just will stay with you. Like, oh yeah, that guy who climbed that clock tower! It's got such power. Just the word clock tower. Sniper rifle. No, that guy, that Virginia Tech shooter did a clock tower, didn't he? Did he? Or a tower or something like that?

I thought he just ran around the school doing it. What could you ruin for everybody? Like if you were going to do a shooting. Another country music festival. I'll have to say that was pretty funny. Oh, why was that funny? In Vegas? Yeah.

Because country, man. Come on. Why? Because it's a bunch of. Yeah, a bunch of hicks. That was his motive, I'm sure. Just hicks? No, he just hates that fucking.

Don't get in my truck. He's like, God, I hate this fucking music. Maybe if I kill 70 people, they'll stop making it. 70? Is that what he got? I think he got... Yeah, he's got the highest... That's a lot of guys. He's got the high score of all shootings of all time, right?

Wow. Steven Paddock. And the no reason... And he's kind of like... Did you ever watch the videos, the surveillance videos of him before? Loading all that shit in? Loading all the shit in his room and then being like, I guess I'll play some video poker. You're like, did you ever watch the videos, the surveillance videos of him before? Loading all that shit in? Loading all the shit in his room and then being like, I guess I'll play some video poker. You're like, what the fuck was this guy?

Why are you gambling at this point? You think the FBI made him do that? Probably. I think he may have been a former asset and that's why. I think being an asset might have made him go crazy and he saw something crazy. Being a CIA, what? CIA, FBI, saw something crazy. Being a CIA, what, an FBI? CIA, FBI, something like that.

And that's why they're like, we know what happened, but it's us who made him crazy, so let's just not talk about it. And then his brother was on the news going, yeah, this is bullshit. And then the next week, his brother was found with a terabyte of child porn. Yeah, and got arrested for that. And then he disappeared. Never heard from again. Yeah. Or the fact that the guy's dad was like a career criminal which is weird yeah it's a lot of i feel like you gotta

give us something fbi you gotta have something i feel like that's the kind of thing where i see it and i'm like oh yeah the government did that and it's like if everyone just had that attitude the world would be so much better that That one's just like way, way shadier, though, than a lot of other ones. Yeah. Because there's nothing on the guy. Everybody else, you can go, yeah, he's just a dumb kid who went on 4chan too many times. That would make a lot of people

crazy if they took it seriously. Where the FBI hangs out. Where the FBI hangs out and says crazy things to try and whatever. Yeah, okay. Here we go. Hey, I got something about your bluetooth problem that you had um that i think is a really funny story so hang on tight this is too long voicemail guys from um two minutes what do you think two minute voicemail are you in about what do you about bluetooth make some predictions about the two minute voicemail? Are you in? About Bluetooth? Make some predictions about the two-minute voicemail.

Oh, God. I think he's going to tell me something about how the technology. Is it going to be a personal anecdote? I don't know. I have no idea. 15 seconds in. All right. Give him a minute.

My wife and I. All right. At a minute, we're going to pause. And if it's good, we'll keep going. All right. Both connected by Bluetooth to her car. And the other day, she takes my kid, takes him to go to preschool, and she goes to work. And it's my day off.

So I started enjoying this whole... What the fuck was that? The classic long pause, listen to a dog choke to death in the background. Was that a dog? That's the staple of all our voicemails. Let me hold on. Let me hear it. Oh, now it stopped.

God damn it. Hey, my kid. Thanks for going to preschool. If she goes to work, then it's my day off. Nice. Michael Jackson dog. I'm going to play

an adult movie that pops into the car before she pulls out of the driveway. She calls me furious. She's angry. She's mad. It's a whole thing. Right?

So, okay. It's like, well, you know, you know, I got needs. Whatever. Okay. So then, the very next day or day after after I forget it, I get him and I'm taking him to preschool and going to

work on her day off. And lo and behold, what comes blasting through the speakers before I'm out of the

driveway from her phone? You guessed it. Some adult entertainment. Hey! Why can you not not connect when you wanted to and not just automatically connect i don't know but it was a funny story and she got yoinked out from under her so i thought you'd appreciate that thank you for the story how is there 30 seconds

and then i go to work. This is a good story. Lo and behold, soon as I'm out the door. I like stories with lo and behold. I haven't even barely started the car. So wait, was he listening to porn the first time? Yeah. And then she did the same thing. Yeah, she was getting off the point.

I thought it was hilarious. So that's my problem. That's a good turnaround. Maybe that'll help your cause. That's a hard-working story. Anyways. She couldn't wait. You know, all the things you're supposed to say, whatever. He's got the kid in the car listening.

As soon as he walked out, she's loading up blacked.com. The family that sneaks porn sessions together stays together. Was she doing it just to, like, prank him, you think? Or she was actually beating off to porn? That's a good question. Women look at more porn than men. The surveys say

it's not as much, but it's a lot. Women lie all the time. It's a factor that in. They look at it way more than that. Women will read a book and jerk off to that. That must take days. To come from a book? Well, yeah, because they're just reading this stupid romance.

And then the guy grabbed her and... His manhood! His manhood whipped her around the neck! The silhouette of his throbbing member and the glistening sun. Her hair around the purple worple silhouette of his throbbing member and the glistening sun. She wrapped her hair around the purple worple of his manhood. As he violently

shot his... Cervix. Cervix? That Mad Libs experiment failed very quickly. Read the... We got super chats. We got super chats.

Send your super chats in right now. If you have any kind of retarded questions about Ralph, send them in right now. Now is the time. And we will read them and we will respond. John H for five. The video from last week's episode looks like it was tilting heavily to the right.

Okay. Well, we'll have to look into that. I think because it was, I think that's a fat joke. Oh, I get it. Because there was two fat boys on one side and Dick trying to balance us out. I am fat now. No. I'm 208 pounds.

Yeah, but you got a lot of muscle ease. Yeah, but I can't work out for another like four months. Yeah. Well, you're going to start putting on some chub. Looks good. Looks good. Whatever. You're already locked down a fucking willing sex slave.

Who cares? John H for five ads that was a fat joke by the way so there you go john thank you thank you lemon sake for two gbps said i heard mr abstruse is a homosexual real pop quiz for 20 dollars here's money don't stop we won't stop popping. Pop quiz. Keep on popping forever. TBF for five says friends don't let friends talk to FBI agents on Discord. That's true. Mike Hunt, but how would

you know? All your friends on Discord probably are FBI agents. Wouldn't that be fun to pretend to be like a schizoid shooter and make up friends with a bunch of fbi guys i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it never mind i changed my mind i bet you can trick the fbi into buying you like a lot of nice stuff yeah because they're dumb they'll buy a gun oh my god uh i just really want to go shoot i just i want to really want to go shoot. I just, I want to shoot this. I really want to go shoot this festival.

I know it's midterms coming up, but I don't have any cool guns. Well, I could buy you a brand new. I'm going to need like a scope too. Yeah, good one. Body armor. Good one. Yeah. A good one.

I'll need a cool car. If I'm going to do a shooting, I need a cool car. I could probably, yeah, get you a car too. All right. I mean, I can't ride the car if I don't have a jacket, you know, like a shooting. I need a cool car. I could probably get you a car, too. I can't ride the car if I don't have a jacket. You know, like a nice riding jacket. Like in Driver with the scorpion on the back. I feel like there's a comedy movie here.

Better than that. Catfishing the FBI. God damn it! We keep buying them arcade machines and pinball. I need the Terminator 2 fucking machine. God damn it. We almost got him on that one. We keep buying him arcade machines and pinball. Yeah. I need the Terminator 2 fucking machine. Yeah, yeah.

And I need it to be made easier because I never got past the future level. Yeah. And I need a gas-powered machine gun like in that, whatever. A grenade launcher. Mike Hunt for five says, What's the difference between being against copyright laws and giving away your bonus episodes for free? Well, I am against giving away my bonus episodes.

Well, because that is my intellectual property. Dick wants everybody to take everything in this free-for-all communist society, communist utopia that you want. Nobody owns anything. There's no ownership. Yeah. In a world with no copyright law, the incentives to produce content would be radically changed. But we don't live in that world.

We live in this world. So my desires and morality is shaped by the laws in the world that we're in, not the one that I want to be in. Fair enough. CG for five says Vito is earning the F on his driver's license with that defensive park dialing. Maybe it's true. Maybe when I became a female I became a terrible parker.

You just started hanging out in your car eating hot dogs and pizza. And crying, as women do. Clab trap the destroyer for ten. I thought it'd be a good idea to be a Vito file plus since I already give Dick money, but I may have to switch to the winning team. Winning team!

ASE presents for two. Dick's transition to waspy tennis player is working. It's more of a badminton visor, I'd say. Oh, yeah. Mike Hunt for five. Would you still have pitched the hard way to Adult Swim with no copyright protection, knowing they could have just ripped it off with no credit? Yeah, I mean, again, it's like all the incentives to make content to Adult Swim with no copyright protection knowing they could have just ripped it off with no credit. There you go.

Yeah, I mean, again, it's like all the incentives to make content would be very different if there was no copyright law. Yeah, your problem was a joke and I successfully exposed it.

CG for five. It's like saying, like, it's like saying, well, if prostitution exists, would your daughter be like, I mean, just all of society

would be different. It would be a whole different reality in the Navigate. If drugs, it would all whole different reality it would all be different there would all be different things cg for five liberals cried for five years they'll never stop oh so you're you're saying so you're saying that i mean we've already gotten two of them so far yeah we'll see if anybody else has an ip problem i mean liberals cried for five years that trump was the second coming of the third reiki, but I'm sure they wouldn't abuse legal gray zones to stop him.

Yeah, I'm sure they'd figure something out. They stole the election. I didn't say it. And I knew an election was stolen. Would you agree that at some point in human history, an election was stolen? Sure. Okay. That has happened.

I gotcha. Happened in Russia. I gotcha, you snake in the grass. Somewhere in history, an election was stolen and the government said, no, it wasn't. True or false? True. How is that a gotcha? Gotcha.

One of those classic Dick Gotchas. Yes, I admit that happens at some point in history. Well, there you go. There you go. There you go. Gotcha. A little snack in the grass. Dominic, for a big $20, says, I just graduated.

Well, thank you. Congratulations, Dominic. I'd like to thank you, Dick, and Vito for the years of entertainment and fun you both have brought me through all of these years. Thank you, and keep up the great work. Well, keep on listening, Dominic. Thanks for being a fan. I bleeped out my name.

Yeah, I know. But I can't have dickheads. I wonder if he can type in dickhead as a super chat. Why is it worth risking? Well, as a super chat, it's not worth risking. It'll either let it go through or not. You know they're going to come down on everything. Well, some channels are called, like, No bs or whatever and they get away with i mean they

can't spell it out but they can uh we used to have just chicks walking around with their tits out i and we need yes somebody needs to go to these companies be like stop stop patrolling all the words that one girl tried what was her name oh and to seem ogden yeah yeah i watched my music video with her again did you ever see my music video with her again. Did you ever see my music video with her? No, what do you mean, with her? Oh, I made a music video with the YouTube shooter lady. With, you talked to her? Yeah, we made a song together.

What? I'll show it to you later. I just, I said it to private because I thought I was going to get in trouble with YouTube. You made, you talked to her? Yeah. Before she did the shooting? She said she was having trouble with YouTube you made you talk to her yeah before she did the she said she was having trouble with youtube banned her channel or whatever and i was having my own copyright

problems and we're like we should make a little song about it and we did and then that shooting happened and the video leaked i'll show you she's in the opening of all my videos i mean you know that part where i'm like shooting the guns in in my intro and there's a chick dancing behind me? I thought that was just a meme. No, that's her. We did a music video. What? I recently just said it back to public because I think YouTube's over the whole shooting.

I don't think so. Maybe I'll set it back to private again. I don't know. Are you serious? This is why it annoys me when Chrissy Mayer was going at you for comedy. Yeah. He's like, you don't even say stuff you've done. And I'm like, oh, what?

Look, if people want to find... I don't know if I... Publicate... I don't know how people can find it. I'll have to post it somewhere. Post it on Odyssey. There is a great... I have it on Vimeo right now, but then people have to find my Vime'll have to post it somewhere. Post it on Odyssey. There is a great... I have it on Vimeo right now,

but then people have to find my Vimeo. That's not enough. No, I know. That's not deep enough. I never posted it on YouTube because I thought I would get in trouble. What was she like? Fucking crazy.

Well, but how... I mean, this woman... She was like a crazy Persian lady who was really into animals. Did you drop any of that at the funeral? I didn't go to her funeral. The second Persian lady I knew. The other one shot up YouTube.

Ba-dum-bum. That's serious, though, folks. I didn't want to see her bullet-riddled body or whatever the hell. Anyway. Did the cops hesitate on that one? I don't think so. There's a shooter on YouTube. I think they were like, well, they're like, oh, we'll just wait. And then when it's a woman and the cops went, oh, hey I don't think so There's a shooter on YouTube I think they were like Well they're like

Oh we'll just wait And then when it's a woman And the cops went Oh hey And they all piled in Oh yeah They had their wife in their mind's eye As they just lit that bitch up

Yeah I could I could empathize with that Isaac Stringer for 10 Rant VTubers They put on dumb whiny voices Pop up everywhere And are probably Your favorite things

You lollicons. I hate these YouTube e-fairies. Okay. That's close enough. Give it to them. You just wait to see the effect on our youth. No, this doesn't count. Not close enough?

Not good enough? No. YouTube e-fairies. Very close, but no cigar. Sigma for 20. No tricks. Just say the thing, Vito. No.

All right. Dick says no. Mike Hunt for five. V2 is going to get PTSD or 2BSD or a brain tumor trying to not say TBF. I knew this girl cop who beat her cop husband says Rex Sexton for five. Beat her cop husband for cheating on her

then goes to a hotel with their cop friend to bang them and then husband beats them both. Secret Lives of Cops is a show I want. Fuck Cops, the TV show. I want the home life. You show I want. Like, fuck Cops, the TV show. I want, like, the home life, you know? You want internal affairs. Yeah, exactly. You want, like, yeah, that would be awesome.

I want Cops like an actual show about cops and how fucked their lives are. Internal affairs coming in like, oh, so what's going on? How, uh, you got anything to drink today, officer? No, no, no, no, no. There's so many of those. Mike Hunt for fun Have you seen the guy who talks to cops Like cops talk to people Yeah yeah yeah where he just like goes

You got anything to drink today I'm actually asking the questions around here You got anything to drink today sir Yeah he's asking cops for their license And stuff and they're like no I'm not giving you a license Okay Okay That guy's great

It's a good gimmick Mike Hunt for five Anti-science women In Afghanistan Are protesting Against the Taliban's Mask mandates Anti-science women

Oh Interesting Turkey sandwich for two Good You guys like Chef Boyardee. Shout out to Beef Aroni. Close, but it's not. To Beef Aroni.

No. It doesn't count. It's a sound alike. I feel bad, though. I'm like, you know, I want to give one. You feel bad. They're trying to humiliate you. I guess.

Every time you say, to be fair, it makes you look like less of a man dwabwinkle for 20 says vito keeps obsessing over a comic called dog n word please make him stop dick he wants to do a live reading he's going to get back this guy keeps telling me to read this comic dog n word yeah i think it's a real comic well let's look i'm confused i think i think tricksy the golden witch was like no that's actually a good one's look i'm confused i think i think trixie the golden witch was like no that's actually a good one okay and i'm like i don't want to read no it's with an a it's with an a i think what do you mean dag dog with n word with an a no pussy all right what do you want you want me to say it i can't say it well why would you make a comic with an N-word and then put an A on it?

Okay, well, because there it is. It's a webcomic, apparently. Okay. Volume one of Dog Ningen. Rex is a half-man, half-dog. He was created when a drunk old man forced himself on a stray female dog. Oh, a man fucked a dog? And it made the dog N-word,

who is a superhero. And he's going to find that man and rape him. Wait, scroll down a little bit. Is that like pictures there? I don't know. That sounds cool, though. That's kind of like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, just with less abstraction.

Yeah, the art's not bad. It's not science that raped you and made this horrible inhuman spawn it's a man yeah well if it's with an A am I allowed to say it

I mean I'm reading the title no you're not allowed to say that well alright Dog Ninja volume 1

I will have to check out just say dog criminal no no no no no no no no no no no no alright what a show Dick once again everyone go vote at biggestproblem.show say dog criminal. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. All right. What a show, Dick. Once again,

everyone go vote at biggestproblem.show and bonus episodes at patreon.com slash biggest problem. Is that it? We have a new bonus episode soon.

Do you think Vito does karate? That came in. I do all the karate. That's it? That's all the super chats? I'm surprised no one's trying to grill you. What the fuck?

That's like none. Yeah. What about all the Ralph haters? You keep baiting everyone with the opportunity to bait you on this Ralph stuff. Because people who hate Ralph don't have any money. Yeah, exactly. They're afraid to. They just don't have any money.

Our Ralph situation's interesting. I'm sad we don't get to talk about it. We can talk. I don't care. Well, maybe I should... Well, you might have to come in on Sunday. Maybe I'll come in on Sunday. Sean's gone and Johnny was gonna fill in

What's Sean Oh he's on a pilgrimage right He's He's going to the moon Oh cool Where they make goblins I was gonna say Did the Seanys really take off

And buy him a ride on a rocket Sold a couple Seanys He's got a Lambo For a Seanys Lambo SpaceX ride Thanks everybody For coming by Goodbye

See ya Have a good Friday Bye on a limbo. SpaceX ride. Thanks, everybody, for coming by. See you. Have a good Friday. Bye.