The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 43

Episode Date: June 5, 2022

Hate Hoaxes, Criminalizing Heterosexuality, Suction Cups, Canon Cops

Although, I did listen to your most recent episode. No kids, I think, die in that opening scene. I think it's all Jedi. So they just shot them and then they ran. They're like, all right, let's go home. That's what we came from space to do. Just shoot at them and then leave. All the kids, you know, we know that kids did die in the Jedi Temple.

But in that particular scene, it's weird because they're like, you know, none of the kids get shot, thankfully. It's very weird. And a lady does die. Isn't the lady teaching them a Jedi? She's a girl boss. I bet that was Obi-Wan Kenobi was there. Well, not in that first scene, though. I was drunk when I watched that shit.

The first scene is a lady is teaching a bunch of Jedi kids, and then she deflects a bunch of... And her name is Ki-Ja-Di-Do-I-Ng. Probably, yes. Her name is Uk-Aikukto Bukora. Pam. Pam Chulubukonoko. But just call me Pam. It is funny that they'll take like-

They gave them all IPv6 names in Star Wars. They had IPv4. Bob. Luke. Sky. Wak. Han. And then they upgraded IPv6.

Dictow. Wow. Chinkow. Not Chinese either Alright, you ready to do the show? I think I'm ready, we got a rhyme ready to go You know what? I came up with a new bit Oh buddy

I'm excited You know what I'm excited for? The biggest Problem In the Universe Welcome to the biggest problem in the Universe! Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe!

The only show that breaks every problem in the universe. From cops who are cowards to idling for hours. I'm your host, Dick Masterson. Joining us always is Vito Giswold. Happy to be here, Dick. That was from Adam. Wow. That's what I'm doing

from now on. You're going to get the rhymes from the audience. I'm outsourcing it. Excuse me. I'm giving fans the opportunity to submit their jokes

to a world-class, money-making, not-your-dad's podcast. Test your comedy metal by coming up with a unique rhyme. See, that was Adam that said that. Based on last week's problem. Now, let me tell you about another gentleman by the name of Jack Shelton who fucked it up. Okay.

He said, right under Adam, he goes, mourning the dead to scanning your own bread. Yeah. But here's why he fucked it up. Because that was that week's bread. Yeah. But here's why he fucked it up. Because that was that week's problems. Yeah. So what am I supposed to do with that, Jack? You gotta give us the ones for the show that's coming up. Coming up.

So that we can use it. What are you here just showing that you could rhyme better than me? Or are you helping out? Because it seems like you're just showing off. Yeah. Right? Hindsight is 20-20. Once the rhyme's already been done, oh, I could have done better.

Well, why didn't you do better ahead of time? Why didn't you do better last week? You need to be told? Here's one. Kit's cat says bad funerals and crowded urinals again. Last week, you dumb-dumb. A little behind the curve. Well, Dick, how do people submit their rhymes to you?

Just post them anywhere? Yeah. Go on Patreon. Post them on the Patreon underneath. If you see me in I don't know. Yeah. Go on Patreon. Post them on the Patreon underneath. If you see me in the street, yell it out. Hey, Dick! Post them on the Discord. How about something with Brad and Morning the Dead? And I'll go, gotcha. I heard

it. Gotcha. Or if you see me at the movies or something. Yeah. You know. Don't let the black people have all the fun shouting at them. How often are you in public getting noticed, really? You don't even leave this mountain bunker. I go to bars. Oh, okay. Well, if you go to the bar, maybe you'll see them.

I got a heat map. Yeah, I'm sure you're going to remember their clever rhyme as you're in your cups, sir. You're going to be like, what? Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you saying? I'm saying you're a drink around Tommy. So many people have told me, what's a drink around Tommy? The guy just drinks a lot.

You know what I'm talking about? Tommy and Pamela lee anderson yes sure dong all right i just invent terms that drink around tommy a drink around tommy is that like a mac the knife yeah it's like a mac the drink around the time drink around tommy it's a it's a common saying dick that everyone knows and respects uh athelmus says, damn, veto. Oh, wait, wait. We do this thing first, right? Parking idlers. Okay, what the fuck is going on with the voting?

You know what? Do you really want to know? Sure. Okay, so I originally wrote the voting script in like 2012, 2013. And that year, IP addresses, you know like IPs that you know where it's like four numbers with dots, three dots? Okay. Like one nine something and another dot? Okay, so there's a different version because we were running out of those.

They made a different bigger version that has like, it's like four times the size of that one. It's got F's in it, all kinds of wacky shit. You wouldn't even understand. You would look at it and be like looking at Cthulhu. It's a lot of numbers and letters. It's overwhelming to like a mortal man. You'd be like, ah, it's too much.

It's too much. I could never remember that. In a million years, I couldn't remember that, right? It freaks people out. So that's the new IPs. So there's enough IPs. Like in the future, even your sperm will have Wi-Fi. So you'll jizz a bunch of IPs right into your toilet.

Yeah. Right? Or wherever you're masturbating. You're saying... Someone else's toilet. You updated... This is not... You don't need...

But when I wrote the script... Creative description. I wrote the script. Only like 2% of the world was on the new ones. And now they all are. Now it's like 40. Okay. I wrote the script, only like 2% of the world was on the new ones. And now they all are. Now it's like 40. That's what happened. Okay, but regardless... Parking idlers won.

But it wasn't dead last at one point. It was. I might need to check that script. I think you might need to check the script, because let's go through these. Okay. Why didn't you tell me this before? Because I wanted to confront you on the show about it

because you said you fixed it. Well, I thought I fixed it. Because I looked at the voting. I thought I fixed it. I did stuff and then mine was on top. I was like, well, I must have fixed it. The voting was all fucked and then I looked today. Oh, shit.

Did I not fix it enough? No, go to... I'm going to the big problems. Okay. Big problems. Okay. Pussy cops, which wasn't first,? No, go to the big problems. Okay. His problems. Okay. Pussy cops, which wasn't first, is now in second. That's fine.

Okay. Unrealistic expectations, sure. How? How do I bring in an anti-Biden problem on this show and it's negative? I don't know. There's no way. That problem. Are you on asterisk this episode?

I will look again. I will go through and comb through and produce a report. Believe me, I've had to do this before. My problem was that the government is refusing to give money to white people based on the color of their skin. That's clearly a problem. How is that possibly negative? I don't believe this. And's clearly a problem. How is that possibly negative? I don't believe this. And that was in first!

That one was in first before, yes! Maybe guys were cheating for you. Maybe. It's very possible that they were... You have shady fans. Liberals. That's not the first time they've fixed a vote. In the chat right now, or why don't you send us some chipper chats, Did you vote?

And did you vote negative on my unconstitutional laws problem? Because I don't buy it. I don't believe. You're going to do a caucus? How is that negative? It went from being in first. I would be okay if it slipped like one ranking, but it's literally now a negative problem. That's the audience saying we want the government to discriminate against us on the color of our skin?

I'll give it another look. All right. Okay? I'm sorry. Stop the steal, dick. It doesn't feel good, does it? No, it does not. Because you know, in your mind,

in your heart, you know something went cocky. Yeah. I can feel it. Is that what you're saying? You admit, I admitted some sort of mistakes, right? Some mistakes were made. But now you're thinking, well, he said the mistakes, but did he catch all of them? Because now I'm questioning the process.

Sure. Right? It doesn't jive with what you... All right, Dominion voting system. Oh, did you see that? Am I allowed to say that some cybersecurity guys said there's something... Is this a 4D chess where you're fucking around with the fucking votes just to get me to admit

that sometimes election fraud is crazy. Did someone say that there was some kind of problem with their systems? I can't believe you tricked me into this. Did someone say that? I guess sometimes votes do go screwy, Vito. Can you believe it?

You motherfucker. Someone did say that. Check the machines, Dick. I want a full audit of the machines. Okay, okay. All right. You got some comments

for us, Dick? Althamus says, damn, Vito again exposes himself as a big fucking dummy. Snapback hats are hats with plastic adjusters on the back. Jesus Christ.

Okay. I saw a lot of these comments. You didn't know that, though. Well, the reason I got confused is that there's hats that don't have this shape profile. What do you mean this? This is a radio show. The hats I wear have this curved brim curvature. Most hats have a curved brim.

No, but a baseball hat is floppy on top. It doesn't retain its shape. You're thinking of from the 30s. I'm saying I have hats that have the plastic back, the snapback. You're thinking of a Smurf hat that's floppy on top. But they don't have this same internal structure that gives the hat its signature shape. So you thought that was what made it a snapback?

Not the snap that's on the back? I'm understanding now that maybe there's different... But typically, my understanding now... So if it looked like that and it had no fastener on the back, you'd say it's a nice snapback. My understanding now is that when you refer to a hat as a snapback,

and I could be wrong, you're referring to hats that, yes, have that plastic on the back, but also have this distinctive shape. Yeah. Like almost Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. Okay. I think you're wrong. But a baseball, because this is not a baseball hat.

Yeah, it is. Maybe it's a type of baseball hat. If someone, if a building was burning down and somebody said, quick, grab me the baseball hat, you'd go, I don't know what you're talking about. There is no baseball hat here. There's a snapback hat. I guess I'm just confused that there's different styles of hats.

So I don't know what you would refer to this style of hat as, but apparently you would not refer to this as a snapback because that's any kind of hat that has the plastic snap. Well, it is a snapback. Isn't that one? It's a snapback, but in addition, what is it? Is that a trademark? Because when I go looking for a hat,

and it says on the website snapback, I know it has this shape. I've never gotten a snapback that's like that kind of flatter baseball hat style yeah so that's why i'm confused i should have researched more uh what the different types of you should have done one of your lies i should have lied but you did troll the truth and you got all messed up like my lie about making a music video with that one lady uh which is me again. Which is a half truth. I watched it.

Yeah. The shoot, the... Yeah, that was a stupid video I made. The pointer, the blaster. Can we say shoot? Oh, the YouTube shoot lady? Yeah. Yeah.

This is a good video. I made a funny video that I pretended that me and her made a music video, and then I sold it a little hard on the show show and people thought that we actually collaborated. Pizora Chank. Oh, yeah. Number two. Pussy Cops. Number two.

Oh, we're doing the whole thing. That was you. Yeah, that was me. You're complaining about getting stuck to the bottom. I don't think that problem should be negative. We'll check it out. Unrealistic Expectations came after that. I don't think that problem should be negative. We'll check it out. Unrealistic expectations came after that.

I don't know how. I guess that's a joke on me. And then unconstitutional virtue signaling, negative. Which should not be negative. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't. Okay.

Pazorichak said, I call out cops when they do something I think is wrong. If I don't think what they did was wrong, then I support them against the all cops are bastards crowd. Calling out bad cops or bad actions doesn't mean I have to chant

all cops are bastards with a bunch of childish anarchists and commies in order not to be hypocritical. It's not waffling to be nuanced. Let me read this again. It's not waffling to be nuanced. Let me read this again. It's not waffling to be nuanced. I call out cops when they do something I think is wrong. If I don't think what they did was wrong, then I support them. Again, is that better?

Yeah, that's great. Thanks, bud. Instead of all cops are bastards. This country was made on defending nuance. That's what it is. Let's just switch to all cops are employees because we understand that employees are just paid to do their job badly. I bet that would hurt them more.

Everyone wants to be a bastard. They're not heroes. They're employees. All cops are employees. Dick, I have a new bit for the show. Okay. I call it Vote It Up. Hashtag Vote It Up.

As you know, we do many problems on this show, but sometimes new information arises that may make a problem more exciting or reinforce the point that the person was making. Black Hole left a comment about idle parkers last week. It says, I heard there's a bug in most cars where the doors can be avoided by rapists when you're idling in, oh, opened by rapists when you're idling a parking spot. So women who are idling in your cars, the locks will not

work if you're idling and you could be raped. Although, and this is the more important part, Dick should really just try far parking to avoid his problem. How could you bring in Dick, Picky Parkers, when you yourself, or parking idlers, when you yourself have railed against Picky Parkers. Because it's a cock tease. Why didn't you just park all the way across the lot?

If she was not in the car, I would just go park all the way back at my house and walk, but it's the tease of it. All right, fair enough. Well, vote up. Like, I'm angrier to a woman who's like oh you want to see these uh big old whoppers huh never mind i'm like what the fuck i'm pissed at you now i get i get what you're saying but maybe for those who don't agree maybe you want to vote it up picky parkers and one other one did you hear that this is part of your segment yeah it's just a quick segment i have have two. Shut up. Just let me do it.

Pizza Hut is facing calls for a boycott on social media. Okay. Adverse pointed out that a recent recommendation from their famous book club for children is about a kid who becomes a drag queen. Oh, wow. Twitter has been coming out against them, including the founder of the anti-Muslim group Act for America, Bridget Gabriel, who said Pizza Hut has gone full woke. Now we must make them full broke.

She couldn't think of a pizza pun? She did a woke pun and she couldn't do a pizza pun? A pizza pun would... There's definitely something pizza there. And for that I would say... They're trying to put too much meat in our kids. They should stick to stuffed crust instead of stuffing little kids' buttholes.

Oh, yours is better. You went in the sexual way. I went, regardless. Stuffing their ideology. This might remind people of a problem called Boycott of the Week. Another great boycott. That sounded like a...

Another great... This might remind you of Boycott of the Week. Another great problem from the show. Don't forget to hashtag vote it up. Okay. All right, Dick. On our voting system that we're... On our voting system, which has been vetted and analyzed by the Cyber Ninjas.

God damn it. So that's what I'm doing tomorrow? I was working on the voting thing? I just... I would like you to take a second look. It's got that goddamn IPs. It's those goddamn IPv6s's those goddamn IPv6s. Those goddamn IPv6s.

Goddamn it. I don't know what to tell you. Goddamn it. I don't know. Maybe we need a login system. Maybe we need a verified token. No, fuck that. Maybe you can buy veto bucks to vote for your favorite veto problems.

Okay. Should we do a new problem? Well, you won supposedly with your stupid Idle parking Fucking Problem Everyone hates it That worked Yeah All of them

All You had huge crowds No no no Once Josh Once Josh Denny got involved Everybody was in Okay Voting on it

Sure Once the episode came out Everyone was in on it Fair enough Well as the winner Take us in Here's my problem Is hate hoaxes. Right?

Yeah, I know. I think I know where this one's going. Oh, yeah? What's an example of a good hate hoax? Like Juicy Smollett? Sure, that's a good one. That was a hoax. Right.

That was obvious. There's all kinds of hoaxes based around hate. Sure. Because the hate really doesn't matter. Yeah. Right? We're old enough not to have to have this debate performatively in public, right? Okay, well, I would say the hate can matter depending on the situation.

If somebody shoots your dog because you're black, like, still your dog is dead. Like, I don't care. Then the cop's like, oh, actually, you left this. Like, I don't need to know the... I don't feel any worse. I might feel a little worse if I found out my dog died because I'm black.

Because I'm black? Yeah. Or whatever. Or anything. Or trans or Chinese. Or white. Or white. Don't leave that one out.

Well, that would make news. 2020 hate crimes data submitted by 15,000 law enforcement agencies. There were 8,000 hate crime incidents in 2020. That's like none. 8,000? It's low, right? You thought it'd be higher. Well.

Just admit! What do they classify it as? Hate incidents? Hate crime incidents. So it's a crime, and with this additional measure of hate. Like, they're not interviewing guys doing shoplifting. Like, hey, hey, hey, do you have anything, uh, do you hate Asian people or whoever owned that thing? Well, 8,000 actually sounds high to me.'m am i crazy maybe a little bit yeah well because i don't like what but it

has to be while committing a crime so like an assault or like what yeah salt okay tagging stuff i was gonna say so graffiti would graffiti it's all swastika the wrong way it's all graffiti then yeah okay then never mind it makes perfect guy writing Guy writing like the N word on a whiteboard. Yeah. But then it turned out it was the teacher. There's a lot of that. There's a lot of those. There's a lot of it.

So there's so much of it. We've incentivized. We made this currency of hatred. We made a currency where your crime is worth more attention which is also a currency if you tack on like if you go to mcdonald's and go like uh i'd like i'd like something off the dollar menu and they're like do you love that dollar and you're like yeah like actually then it's worth two dollars wow i love all my money awesome give me fucking more stuff yeah okay that's hate that's what hate is now yeah it's a new currency

that was what made juicy want to uh yeah they crime was he knew it would get him attention and clout buck breaking remember that hate hoax where it's freaking said a bunch of documentary slaves got raped because of racism well you know that's not the only historical hate hoax either. Oh, really? I didn't look up any others, but I'm sure there are. Are we allowed to talk about buck breaking after that one shooter decided to make it part of his whole thing? Yeah, we got to take it back. Okay, we're taking it back.

He can't let us not make fun of buck breaking. Come on. Take it from us. Fair enough. Doing a research for his book called Hate Crime Hoax, this guy put together a set of 500 confirmed hate hoaxes from another book called Crying Wolf. I don't know.

He says 8% to 10% of the hate crimes reported to the FBI are hoaxes. I thought way higher. I thought like 90% of them ended up being fake. That's confirmed. Yeah. Because how are you going to know? I guess you can't prove a lot of it. You see a swastika on a bathroom stall,

you can't know who or what put it there. If I go into my bathroom right in soap, you fat retard, and call the FBI, I'm going to say, well, you guys deal with it. You guys figure out how it got there. I believe there's a website,

and it's like fakehatecrimes. something and they i did write that down they catalog yeah they catalog them there's so many and it's crazy and they're always the same it's always somebody scrawled you know get out n words on a black dormitory and then two days later we found surveillance footage of one of the kids in dorm dormitory doing it. A black gentleman. I forgot to get the stuff I printed, but it's 11 hate hoaxes. 11 hate hoaxes? What? Oh.

Like 11 big ones. Yeah. Well, a freshman girl claimed she was gang raped by five men at Hofstra University in 2009. Only to recant her can. This is a sick society that we've built where we're inventing racism we're inventing so much racism yeah that it's impossible to tell where the real racism begins or ends anymore in fact we've invented so much racism that companies big media companies are incentivized when their product sucks when their obi-wan show sucks

they're incentivized to amplify the racism that their actors report as having the hate okay that their actresses report having got and even though that even though the hate is it's nothing it's a hateful racist message is the same as nothing. Yeah. Right? Just as it is in the crime. The crime and the hate crime are identical in all ways. Sure.

I can still... Okay, I was wondering if we were going to get to this, because me and Dick have been having a little argument. Actors and actresses are incentivized. Even Juicy lied, right? Juicy lied. But then other actresses and actresses, they're incentivized. Yes, they're incentivized to say, hey, everybody, look at this N-word this guy sent me.

Oh, my God, he sent me an N-word. He sent me a picture of a slave ship. They're like, right? Okay. So for those of you who don't know, there's an actress on Star Wars. Yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on. They're in their other inbox. Oh, yeah, come on. Give me one, give me one, give me one.

Allegedly. Okay, so that's the question. So there's an actress who maybe got some racist messages and Star Wars came out and they said, hey, don't be racist to this lady. Ewan McGregor's in there going, Ewan McGregor said don't be racist. I can't believe that anyone would be racist. Maybe they're a little over the top with their response.

For over three Instagram messages? Okay, but your problem is not... Hate hoax. No, your problem is not overreaction to racist messages. It's hate hoaxes. How is it a hoax? Who sent the messages? She probably sent them to herself.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Dick. You don't think that occurred to you? Why? There would be no reason. I guarantee. Attention. Because then nobody's looking at their shitty acting.

But she could get the attention by just waiting for one of the nut jobs in the world to just send a racist message normally. Yeah, but one of the nut jobs is going to send the N-word. And you need your hate hoax to be clean. To go big on it. It needs to say, like, you black asshole. Not like, you n-n-n-n-n, right? Why not? I can't post n-n-n-n-n.

No, you get banned. And it's not just hate hoax against our African-American friends. Sure. It's also against women who are not our friends. Okay. Like Amber Heard's like, you wouldn't believe all the hate and death threats I've gotten. Like, bitch, that's not a fucking death threat. A death threat is fucking throwing a bottle at someone.

This sounds more like hate overreactions. Because I'm sure Amber Heard is getting thousands of people telling her to off herself. I get it. People are mad at her. It's not a hoax, though. It would be a hoax if these were fake. She did it herself. It was a hoax when Juicy did it because he literally wrote fake messages to himself

and put a fake noose around his neck and hired fake guys to beat him up but if somebody actually had somebody up his asshole you mean you if by the way speaking of gay we're doing a bonus episode the biggest problem in prime biggest problem with gay people i don't know if we're gonna call it the biggest problem in gay people i was thinking we could call it biggest problem pride edition or or something. Okay, okay. Don't wink. This is a don't wink situation. Okay. Biggest Problem in Pride.

Sure. That might be the title. Regardless, here's the thing is that everybody on the internet is telling me, well, this is just Disney trying to say that if you don't like the Obi-Wan show, it's because you're a racist. I'm like, no. Yes. No. I think that what happened was this lady got some racist messages. She posted about it on her own Instagram,

where she's like, look at the fun of some of these assholes who say racist stuff to me. And then some bleeding heart liberal pussy at Disney was like, we should show our support. But all these guys are acting like there was some secret backroom meeting where they're like, all right, we're going to send you a bunch of N-words, right? And then you're going to tell everybody about the N-word.

No! Why would they not? Because, again, one, they don't need to because I guarantee people are just sending her the N-word anyway. Two, because it's not a good marketing. Yeah, but she didn't post the N-word. The N-word is too much. It's not a good marketing strategy. You have to PR your hate.

What is the— Welcome to MAGA country. It's not a good marketing strategy you have to pr your hate what is this welcome to manga country it's not like f you disney has so many different ways to market shows and make money that they don't have to resort to weird fake hate crime trickery this is the stupidest conspiracy disney we're talking about yes it sucks that much though show. It's not that bad. It's fine. Okay. In fact, I might even talk about how fine it is as one of my problems. Oh, okay.

Because everybody's complaints about the show are a little much. How about this one? A little over a year ago at Oberlin College, two students conducted a series of racist stunts such as putting up a Nazi flag, passing out anti-Islamic flyers, and putting a whites-only sign above a water fountain after getting classes canceled for a day of solidarity.

One of the students said that the entire thing was a joke in order to get an overreaction. Well, they got a free day and no classes. That's exactly like the Disney thing. It's not exactly like, what did Disney get? Did they get a free day and no classes. That's exactly like the Disney thing. It's not exactly like, what did Disney get? Did they get a free day and no classes? Here's why it's a hoax. Because she fucking knew exactly what would happen when she posted that shit.

Like, there's no intimidation at all. Everybody on the internet is overly exposed to racially charged epithets i don't i'm not i refuse to call them hate speech yeah because you can't hate up okay you don't punch down you can't hate up sure that's them's the rules fair enough uh she knew what she was she she saw those coming in if they're even real and thought ka-ching jackpot i think we just live in an era where everybody is very sensitive about these comments and disney or whatever star wars decided let's stand with her and whatever and i don't think it's this super sinister thing is it annoying and purposeless yes should they have been more clear to say listen we're not saying all of you

guys are racist if you don't like our show, and we're just specifically talking to these idiots. But I don't consider it a hoax. Really? What about that bubba guy that saw a news? What about that guy that put a noose, an NASCAR guy that had a noose in his garage? He didn't put it up.

He just overreacted to it like an idiot. That was not a noose at all. That wasn that had a noose in his garage. He didn't put it up. He just overreacted to it like an idiot. That was not a noose at all. That wasn't a hoax. But it is him. There's no way he didn't know that that's not a fucking noose.

Well, he didn't see it. The problem is another guy came to him, some crazy psychopaths. I think it was, I forget who it was, but they came to him. Himself.

There's a noose in your garage. Oh my God. And then he overreacted. Look, these are more hate overreactions. If that was your problem, I'd be there with you. No. But because you have chosen hate hoaxes.

Hoax. Those are two different problems. People making up hate crimes, yes, is a problem. But this is not making up hate. Literally, someone sent this lady some group, this lady, some racist stupid comments, and she didn't like it, and that's reasonable. Yeah, but then she turns if you're a marginalized group. If I was a black

lady and I had the ability to take a couple Instagram comments that dumbasses sent me and been like, hey, I'm a victim. You guys should support me. That's a hoax. No, it's not a hoax. Because you know what you're doing. You're using it to get attention. We do this all the time. Are you kidding me? It's not a fucking, it's not a hoax. Because you know what you're doing. You're using it to get attention. We do this all the time. Are you kidding me?

It's not a fucking, it's not real. Guys, can you believe I got attacked at Netflix? Oh my God, you're going to follow me on YouTube. That was a hate hoax that we did. We all did. We did a hate hoax. Fine. As long as we're all so guilty of it, then I'll give it to you.

Guys, you got to support our free speech and our comment. Like, everyone does it, all right'll give it to you. Guys, you gotta support our free speech and our comment. Like, everyone does it. Alright? That's bad! It's bad that we have to engage in this! It's not bad, because we were legitimately victims in the same sort of way. No, we were attacked. We were physically attacked, and no one has our back.

Yeah. Because Well, then they should have our back the same way that they have this lady's back. No, we should not do any of it. I don't want to live in this world of jockeying PR for who has the most explicit victimhood. We're so far down that bridge. There's no going back. The bridge is burnt.

There's no path back to the village at this point. It was burnt. It's done. It had swastikas all over it. It was burnt. It's done. And it had swastikas all over it. It was burnt. It's just a victimhood race. It's just so goddamn stupid. And whoever can win it, go for it.

Keep on running. Can you believe these people called me a black bastard? And then Star Wars, we can't believe that. Fucking Ewan McGregor is, oh, I really can't believe that. He's called her a black bastard. It's the society we have. God, your show sucks. You just got to suck it up and go along

No I do not have to It's all we have It's fucking dumb Life is dumb What do you want Vote up hate hoaxes It's worse than all that other shit It's not a hoax

It's just an unfortunate Reality I'm not calling it hate over reactions that's fine there's no way there's no way to underreact to mislabel your problem any reaction that's your choice i hate you i wish you were dead oh yeah uh here's specifically why i wish you no no i got it you know dad i got it i label my problems accurately if you want to mislead the audience with creative wordplay. That's your call. Your problem names are fucked.

Anything to win from Dick. We'll see how the voting turns out next week. Yeah, we'll see what happens. Well, Dick, as long as we're on the topic of Star Wars, one of my favorite topics, a lot of people have taken issue with the Obi-Wan Kenobi TV show. Yeah. Now, I think there's some reasonable complaints to be said. Okay.

That black lady is a terrible actress. She's not racist for me to say. No. It's specifically anti-racist for me to. You and Gregor said not to do that. Shut the fuck up. But some of the complaints that these people are having are a little much. And these people I am calling the canon cops, Dick.

Oh, fuck you. There's a certain thing in fandom called canon. The idea that there are plot threads and things characters have said or done that are official to the lore and should not be overwritten by new things. And I respect that idea, of course. But there's people saying that the Obi-Wan Kenobi show has destroyed the Star Wars canon beyond repair,

man. They didn't respect the lore. The Vietnam veterans? Yeah. Yeah, because they've been going at this Star Wars thing their whole lives. Since the 70s. This is the only war they have ever fought in their lives.

The Star Wars? To protect the sanctity of the Star War. Yeah, stick. So the Vietnam voice is very appropriate. If only there was no kinds of laws that would force them to protect this type of property that's in their mind. Yeah, I don't know what that would be. In the show Obi-Wan Kenobi meets, and this might be a spoiler for those of you who haven't

watched the Obi-Wan show. Fuck you if you haven't watched it. It sucks. Meets a young... Here's a spoiler. Leia doesn't die. How about that? Well, obviously, it's not a spoiler. Well, they're chasing her all around. Obi-Wan's protecting her. I was like, why? Just go home. You know she's going to live. He doesn't know that.

What's the point? He showed he's got the fucking force. He's got the force so he should know the future. I don't think that's... Isn't that the whole point of it? Dick, I don't think that's canon. That's an example of, you know, a canon that would matter. If Obi-Wan could suddenly tell the future, I'd say, well, that's weird.

Not within the bounds of his character. But in the show, he meets a young Princess Leia. And you now have people saying, but wait a second. And they put her in that gold bikini. That was weird. No, they didn't put little kid Leia in the bikini. She's six years old and she's in that gold bikini as like a throwback. I was like, whoa.

And then I was like, whoa. No, you didn't. Oh, my God. Holy Lord my god holy lord that was weird yeah it was weird when the six-year-old was in a bikini in the show dick i don't know what fucking nightmare realm you're watching this show in anyway the canon cops have said wow in the original star wars princess leia in the hologram says obi-wan you helped my father in the clone wars you must assist us now and now they're saying she should have said obi-wan you met me when i was a kid and you should have helped out that's what she should have said so you're

with the canon cops yes it doesn't break canon all it is is that she referenced obi-wan i know you're good friends with my father. Come help me. She doesn't have to say, by the way, do you remember that one time that you saved me from some other guys? Like, that doesn't break the canon. You can't be that strict with it. You're taking something. Yeah, you can.

No, you're taking something that was made in 1970 that the guy never knew if he was going to be able to make any sequels or prequels or anything and the fact that we can expand on it in any way and find a way to get through the logic puzzle and involve characters is is a triumph of story writing yes storytelling it takes what the fuck are you talking about look at everything a character has ever said or done and figure out how can i tell a story within these confines. Yeah, you can't. That's very, well, you could make the argument to not make the show, but that's not the argument these people are making. They're not saying I'm

mad there's an Obi-Wan show. They love that there's more Obi-Wan. Oh my God, more Obi-Wan. You could have helped her without her knowing. Like he's all mysterious and shit and she's escaping. No, this has been good. It's great. He helps little Lelea and it's a fun, interesting. It's dumb. I find little Lelea. It's fun, interesting. I find it good.

I think it's very good. You think that show is good? You think that show is good? It's solid. It holds up. They're all so mad that Vader shows up, regardless of the fact that Vader, when he saw Obi-Wan in A New Hope,

he says, when I left you, I was the learner. Now I am the master. Yeah, that's cool. Well, now, when he left her, they already had another fight, so now that line It's fucking dumb, dude. It still makes sense. It's fucking dumb. The line still

It means when I left you as a student I left you as a student Yeah, we might have met up in the middle. Imagine if Mario was just like, oh yeah, I'm actually Luigi too, I just changed my hat. And you're like, oh, okay. I guess that's fine. But here's the thing.

How can you complain about slight canon changes in Star Wars? Which these aren't even really changes. They're just you have to go, oh, okay, that's what he's meant. In a series that famously, he goes, yeah, your father was killed by Darth Vader. Your dad died to Darth Vader. And then in the very two movies later. Here's the story that he killed all those kids with. Yeah, exactly.

You want to play around with it? That's another line. One of the lines is. Yeah, that's a big deal. Okay, but that line legitimately makes no sense. Obi-Wan goes, your father wanted you to have this someday. Maybe they're just being the best pilot in the galaxy. No, because he was a little kid.

That shit doesn't make sense. That's not a fucking piloting. That's not called piloting. Then at that point, you already have to... Then we've already established that Star Wars does not have... And he's definitely not the best. He's only the best in that fucking little part of the planet. Right.

What do you think? They're flying those guys in from all over the galaxy? No, it's that little shithole. So the canon has always been a little fucked. Okay. Because no one takes it seriously. Why did Luke kiss his sister? Okay. Because we all want to. No, no, no. That's not the reason.

He just saved the world. Because she was right about to get trapped in a washing machine and that was the prelude to it. Okay. Star Wars has always been a thing that is like a weird kind of evolving thing and the fact that they found creative ways to make the canon work i need the canon cops to calm down violations take you out of it so it's not but they're not even violations when obi-wan said well you know

i told you your father he killed your father because in a way you know he kind of did that i get that's just a lie though though. That's like a metaphor. Okay. That's not a canon violation. Okay. Again, I want to give you the line where he goes, your father wanted you to have this when you were older and gives him his father's lightsaber. But that was fucked up.

Remember when Anakin was burning to death on the shores of fucking Mustafar and he went, make sure my kid gets my lightsaber. That was dumb. Okay. That was dumb. That was dumb. But then we've already established... How about this? Nobody complains about that, really. You can't say, I like Star Wars and I love the prequels and whatever else,

but now all of a sudden I care about these tiny nitpicky bullshit. What are you talking about? I think these guys who are complaining, if you accept the prequels and you want to see... I didn't know I had a prequels and you want to see, if you want to see, if you're excited to see a reunion of Anakin and Vader, that means you accept the prequels for what

they are. So why do you not accept this small little niggling like, well, he said he was the student. These guys make so much money, you don't think they could sit there and come up with a way that's not like, just, that transgresses your understanding and love of a thing? much money you don't think they could sit there and come up with a way that's not like just that transgresses your understanding and love of a thing they could it's not that much to ask that you just read it learn what it is and don't fuck don't do anything that you know fucks that up or

have somebody sitting have one of them sitting in the room going like hey that fucks it up i'm sorry but that fucks it's like I'm sorry, but that fucks it up. It's like going to a movie and it's just like, oh, a guy walks in and then he flies over to the other thing. You go, why is he flying? Like, oh, you know, because it's like cool. Then Obi-Wan can't fight Darth Vader in this show. He can never see Darth Vader. Good.

But that's what all the fans want. They all are like, oh, my God, I hope he fights Vader again. Well, why don't they do your IP thing and have like Snarf Snarf Vadler. And he's like, Hey, I'm like that other guy. I'm sillier. The fans are being... I have pinstripes. Listen, the racist fans, we've all established all Star Wars fans are racist, are being ridiculously nitpicky.

You push them to be racist. You push them with this shit because they don't know how to express themselves because they're retarded. So they pick on you for whatever they can see. Immediately turn on the first black character they see. Everybody in Star Wars does this. What do I see? Oh, you're scruffy.

Oh, you're this kind of race. Oh, Wookiees are fucked. Oh, you're Yoda. You're smart, right? You've trained them to behave like this. Oh, you're black, huh? And then, right when they buy in, wham! I think it's fantastic that these writers

clearly paid attention to the plots of the original movies to make sure that there's no major canon issues but there's some guys who will just never

be saved and go, Obi-Wan couldn't have met Leia as a child because then when she left a hologram message she would have said, you know what? Yeah, she would have.

For the sake of the story which is, they've decided to tell the story of Vader saving young Leia, which I think works. I think it's a great little idea and it's fun. It's stupid. It's not stupid. It's fine.

Give me your pitch for an Obi-Wan show. What does he do? Just jerk off in the desert for 10 years? No, he just hangs out with those sand guys and buys and sells stuff. He collects. years? Nah, he just hangs out with those sand guys and buys and sells stuff. He collects... If somebody fucks him over, he goes

and tracks him down and gets the money back and stuff. So it's just a six episode miniseries of Obi-Wan drinking and settling gambling debts and fucking around with Jawas. He had a cave. What was he doing in there for 50 years? I don't know. Hanging out, I guess.

Well, now we get to find out what he's doing, but everybody's all upset. Doing evaporation shit. Because it might slightly impact one single line from one part of one movie, even though it doesn't actually contradict those lines at all. Don't you think you would have got bored there? Yeah, which is why he's going on an adventure to save Baby Leia. It's just dumb. It's just dumb. It's not dumb. You can't just keep saying it's dumb.

It's fine. Is it the greatest fucking thing? Nobody ever wanted her. I am enjoying Little Kid Leia. I think it's a great little character. In the story. This is my problem. What are you insinuating? That a certain type of writer and man wants to see this man-little-girl relationship in these stories.

And they just eat it up. And they write it like, oh, yeah, this is going to be awesome. This is going to be like her dad. He's like a guy. He's got a little girl. And I'm like, I don't want to fucking see a little girl and a guy. It's fun. What about, do you like Mandalorian?

Oh, fuck no. That is retarded. You just don't like guys hanging out with kids. No. I want to see guys doing cocaine, space cocaine, or whatever. Okay. Banging whores. Fun stuff.

Fun stuff. At one point, though, but then once Luke turns like 16, then he gets to go on the adventure cause now he's what almost a man what do you mean adventure I'm saying like what about the original

Star Wars appeals to you watching a little teenage kid be like oh Han Solo pretty much Darth Vader's cool okay hitting that guy

that guy's like oh fuck you and he's like oh yeah fuck you wham so no more kids in Star Wars no

no kids in anything they're horrible jump producers kid you can make the argument no kids in star wars but i would still say that whatever criticism and your criticisms are fair why is that guy calling the black one uh woman sister don't you think that's a little weird? Because they're just the sisters of the order. There's white sisters as well. There's white inquisitive sisters as well. No, it's not odd.

Do you think he was ever like, hey, is it weird that I'm calling you sister? No, because Star Wars doesn't have a bonus. When they're acting, just joking. Oh, when they're acting. She's like, yeah Yeah it's a little weird Like you know Yeah it's a little weird

Why'd you give her that voice I don't just Yeah it's a little weird Yeah it's a little weird Yeah it's a little weird She's like Look what these people Send to me

Look what all these Crazy ass Star Wars people Send to me My problem dick Are the cannon cops They've gone too far Just just

There are Legitimate criticisms The Koran You think that's cool And and the Book of Mormon. Yeah. That's fine. Oh, that's nothing. Oh, Jesus came to America?

Yeah, that's cool. And then everyone's like, oh, yeah, that's retarded. Those are fucking canon cops to you. The Bible has incredible canon inconsistencies constantly. Name one. They add, name one. Depending on, like, which book you're reading, there's, like, either, what, 11, 12 apostles, and then 13.

I think the Torah's pretty... They can't decide if Judah or Jude are the same, or Judas are the same apostle or not. They kicked Thomas out. Was Thomas one of them? Gospel of Thomas is Judith. Yeah, because he shit on women. The whole Gospel of Thomas is shit on women. Yeah, I know there's a couple books that they like

Had to have a conference, the popes, and they're like Is this a good one? Eh, let's just fucking take it out It's a little spicy Isn't it the word of God? Didn't he leave any clues as to which ones are good or bad? So yeah, if you're not worried about Bible canon Why are you worried about what Obi-Wan said in his hologram message? So you have no problem with raping any canon, like any Mega Man stuff that's fucked or Mario?

If it actually interferes with the canon in a way, it can't be like a guy said a thing in a hologram and he would have probably said something a little bit different based on this circumstance. It's not like she said, you know, nothing contradicts anything. Again, it's the same as when I met your father, he was a great pilot. He wanted you to have this lightsaber, and then Darth Vader killed him, all of which is

incorrect and wrong. So it's already a part of Star Wars. And even those canon quips, I have no problem. I think those are bigger than the ones people are making a thing out of now. All right, well, that show sucks. Sorry that you can't understand why. It's fine.

It's a solid 6 out of 10. I don't know. Okay. Is it my turn? It's better than that Boba Fett show, I'll tell you that. I didn't see that. I wish Star Wars would just die and go away. It won't.

Ever. That Obi-Wan show is the most viewed show on Disney Plus ever. Everybody's signing up just for more Darth Vader. Oh, God. Welcome to the future. Why don't they just make

a Darth Vader show? They're talking about doing a Darth Vader spinoff, yes. But there will be no rape or... No, there's not going to be rape. Why would Darth Vader rape? They're killing kids. I don't think rape is worse.

I think his penis probably burned off on Mustafar. So he has a computer penis. No. Or whatever they put on. You think his penis burnt off? I do. Oh. He's got all sorts of health problems.

He's going to be looking down like, no. Because otherwise, he might have made more Jedi kids or something. Don't you think if Darth Vader had functioning sperm, he would try to make more Jedi kids? No, I think he's too busy doing work stuff. He didn't have time to raise kids. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, here's my problem. Suction cups.

Man. They never work. They never work. I have to agree with you on this problem 100%. They're just like a joke. They seem like they should be so simple and always work,

and they never do. Why do you even try? Okay, why do shower suction why even try and why okay why does shower suction cups exist but every shower manufacturer goes out of their way to put grooves on everything yeah like there's not so they don't stick put the suction cup shit here blop blop and it works fine forever it's just grooved so you put it up and it pops off and then you have this wiggling rack of shampoo and alufa yeah for the next five years until you move out and you bunch it all together and throw it in the trash with your ex-girlfriend's shit it is bizarre to me how

much they don't work how much they don't work i've always wondered like is there just something wrong with me yeah because they sell you ever i got one like uh like a car mount and it's not only is it a suction cup it's got a crank on it it's got a crank to like ensure the amount of suction i'm like well there's no way this one's gonna fail this is a mechanical suction and it falls off like 10 seconds later and or it stays on there forever and you've got a baked in ring yeah on your that's the thing it either works forever and then you got a baked in ring on your That's the thing. It either works forever and then you don't want to move it. It's like, well, shit.

I guess I've molecularly found the only flat space on earth is right here, so I have to leave it forever or else I can never stream from my car again. I've never, I recently bought some shades for the car because I was going to sleep in the car.

What? Yeah, I went to Vegas and I put a... I have a Honda... You slept in your car? Yeah, yeah. Because my buddy had a hotel room and I was like, well, instead of paying for a hotel, I'll just sleep in the parking lot and use your shower. Okay.

So I put a... But I put up these sun shades. To save money? The suction cup. Yeah, to save money. Or to stick it to the man or something? Well, isn't any time you save money sticking it to the man, Dick? I think you have to steal money to stick it to the man.

A hotel room in Vegas right now is like 80 bucks a night at minimum. It's crazy. You can't even get... What happened to the cheap Vegas hotels? Oh. They don't do it anymore. COVID happened. What's cheap?

20 bucks? 30 bucks? No, your resort fee is going to be more than that. Exactly. Honestly, a moderate Vegas hotel room is like 200 bucks a night. So I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to like... You're going to sleep in your car and then walk into the casino and walk over to the

elevators and go up to the room and then walk over? That's 80 more dollars in gambling money. Are you kidding me? That's committed. Listen, Dick, not all of us have wildly successful Patreons that have been operating. I have $80, but then it's like multiple days. If I can save a day, all I'm doing is sleeping. Why do I need a whole room for it?

Okay. Literally, the only thing I want is a shower. If I could find a truck stop with truck stop showers, I would just park my car there. Why don't they have a casino that's just like a tower of bunk beds that goes up to the moon? People like you could sleep one on top of the other.

I get an Airbnb now, and then I sleep in some random guy's house, and that's pretty affordable. I like sleeping in the car. It was honestly very comfortable i mean i get all air mattress back there do you because you've seen security guys ever bother you like hey buddy what's going on this time they haven't because i had this i managed to finally get the sunshades up i was hiding from them so they couldn't see that's what happened with the suction yeah the

suction cups i was worried they kept falling down and i'm like i'm gonna be exposed in my little happy place. You sleep with your clothes on in the car? No, I'm just naked in the back of my car, hoping that nobody comes and peeks in, because it would be very awkward and weird. They're the gay ones if they do. Yeah. The Honda Element, it's got plenty of room back there, though.

You can get a full twin-size air mattress in there if you push the seats up. And then you put your clothes back on and go to the shower. Yeah, it's a little hard to get out of the car, but then I call my buddy and I'm like, hey, can I come in and use your shower? He just won't let you sleep on a cot or something? He was with his girlfriend. They were getting married. Oh. So I went into their marital

bed and... Marital room, their marital suite. They didn't have a honeymoon suite. My buddy does not have money. He got married by Elvis, which was fun. They didn't have a honeymoon suite. My buddy does not have money. He got married by Elvis, which was fun. They didn't have like a honeymoon suburban or something? No, no.

A honeymoon sky on? They still had like the La Quinta Inn. They weren't even staying at one of the casinos. Vegas on a budget. Regardless, I was so worried

because I could barely get those stupid suction cups to work. It took an hour, I feel, of constantly attaching, reattaching the little sunshades. It never fucking worked, even on glass. Yeah, and I didn't take them down. They just fell down. Like, God, come on.

And they're sitting back there. How the fuck this is? They didn't stay up, so I'm going to have to try and put them back up if I ever want to go back out again. Stay in another parking lot. Just tape it. I think I would. Yeah, get like some. Just tape it. I think I would. Yeah.

Get like some putty or something. I don't know. Yeah. Some gum. Yeah. And then I see, you ever see the male strokers, the masturbation strokers? Have you seen these? I don't think, I don't know.

It's an automatic jerk off machine. You have a jerk off machine, but yours is like. Yeah, the auto blow. Yeah, yours is like you got to hold on to it. It's not called a male stroker well they're called stroke stroker is the technical term okay well if you look a male stroker but then i've seen these because at one point i was like i kind of want to try one of these things in vegas no not in vegas just in general i was like well can i get like a hands-free experience? And they're like, yeah, it attaches via a suction cup to under

your desk. And I said, there's no fucking way! That's not gonna work! Wait, where is it? Look for just male masturbator, any of these things. The number one stroker in the world? The number one stroker in the world. The Handy. The future of interactive masturbation.

That's what I have. Yeah, it's like a fleshlight, but make one they make these but they have like an angled arm at the end so you can attach it to stuff or like in the shower you can like stick it up against the wall and then fuck the shower wall that sounds like a that sounds like a slip and fall i bought the cheapest one i could find for like 50 bucks and for some reason it had blinking flashing rainbow led lights that i could not that you cannot turn off and i was like why would you want blinking rainbow led lights while you're jerking off so i had to rip those out okay 100 male sucking masturbator but then i got the cheapest Chinese one and only had like three speeds and it was like blindingly fast Does it look like this? Yeah, yeah, these look like warp warp things

Yeah, anyway, basically was too fast. It was gonna rip my dick off. So I just broke the thing and I threw it out It was not worth the $50 I still want to get like a good one though a woman I still want to get like a good one though A woman Or man Well I could yeah That's But I'm saying when I'm looking at porn I'm like I wish I could have both hands

You wish you could have You could be like that Japanese guy With the goggles on Yeah Fucking thing From uh Whacking his wiener That one show

Are you talking about The gif Of him just going like Yeah Exactly That's what I want. Do you have pictures of this thing that you bought? I could find

the Amazon listing. Nothing's going to suction cup onto the bottom of a desk. If you look up male masturbator suction cup, you'll see what I'm talking about. It's just got a little attachment arm. Masturbator suction cup. And I was like, there's no way that's strong enough if you try to go to just images.

Suction cup penis? No, just go to the image tab and you'll probably see them. Okay. Yeah, look. See that one in the top left? See how that's got a... Oh, you're right! Yeah.

What the fuck? Oh, I don't think I can show this on YouTube probably because, because it's got, like, a fake vagina. Does it? Wait, go back. There's a blue one on that same page. Uh... You see that one? This one? I was gonna say... This one? That one's more the one that I... Yeah, but you definitely can't show that. Oh, he's ready? Pulsey? Yeah, it's got a vagina. But that's also got

that crank suction cup. Like, oh, you're really gonna attach it. Are you fucking kidding me? They're selling this as a working sex toy? It doesn't even have a crank on it? That's where are you supposed to suction cup that? Where are you supposed to put it? They say under the desk, but I'm like, it's not gonna

What do you have to have a glass desk? I think you have to have a glass desk or something. What kind of shades of gray? It needs like screw mounting. You have to go to like your parents dining room. My parents have an 80s. Everything they have is from the 80s.

Like a dining room table that's all glass. Yeah, exactly. And you don't want it. I mean, they say for the shower, but they're like, oh, no, your desk. I'm like, no suction cup's going to work. How are you going to put this in the shower? Yeah, well, that's the thing. The second you put your dick in it, you're moving it like one inch and how can you stay hard while you're fastening a suction cup

onto the wall of a shower hopefully you would apply it beforehand i don't know before what you get hard yeah you put your soft dick in this and then suction cup it you attach it to the wall then you get your dick hard then you put it in the thing. Wow. I assume. That's very complicated. Again, mine showed up. It blinked like a fucking laser rave.

My penis was trapped in a... Oh, this is a butthole version. Yeah. Okay. And then I... You've got little kind of notches where the butt... I think it must be reversible. It's the other side.

You take out the insert and turn it around and get a button. I think it must be reversible is the other side so you take out the insert and turn it around and get a badge. Alright. Always ready, masturbator. And ready is spelled R-E-D-I.

Yeah, see reversible pussy and ass two in one. It's a two in one. And you got this. Not this model. Did you throw it away? Yeah.

Oh, why'd you do that? Because it was, it got, I don't know, it was disgusting. every part of it i was just like it was it was just it was bulky tile off of your shout like if that's the other thing if you put the suction cup on you pull it there's no release valve you just yank i just heard all these people talking about like the what do you call it the flesh light like it's god's gift of creation i was like well i guess i want to try something You just yank off the tile. I just heard all these people talking about the, what do you call it, the fleshlight.

It's God's gift of creation. I was like, well, I guess I want to try something like that. If they have one that's automatic and does it and goes up and down in a jerk-off motion, sure, that sounds fun. You fucking have one. You have one. You have the big fucking thing. Yeah, someone sent that to me, though.

Okay, well, if someone wants to send me one, you could have said no. All right? I said I want to try the to send me one, you could have said no. All right? I said I want to try the Fleshlight experience once, and then it was terrible. And mine did not come with the suction cup attachment because I don't think it would have worked. Yeah, because none of them do. There's no way. Which is the point. Suction cups. Just get rid of them.

Absolutely. Don't even try. Use magnets. I think magnets would be a better way to attach this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put magnets in everything. How about just glue, screws, nails? That's going to mess up your shower for your masturbating machine.

Yeah, but I mean, it should be a permanent addition to your household. Should it not be? Yeah. Why not? Every shower, you know what? How about every shower just comes with like a jerk off machine we just like accept it wouldn't that be better yeah he's going to somebody you're like oh yeah that's i got that model yeah it says the toilet is for the other types of elimination

shitting pissing yeah we have a machine to take care of that. The TV goes up high enough to drown out the woman. Right. So why not? Why not normalize jerking off? Which actually leads me, interestingly, into my problem, Dick. Which I have called criminalizing heterosexuality. I have a news article. Director Cary Fukunaga.

Have you heard of this gentleman? No. The director of the James Bond film No Time to Die. Okay. Actually, the first American to direct a James Bond film. Isn't that interesting? Was that the newest one? I believe so.

I believe it was the most recent one. Because that one was the worst. Well, there's your problem. Also directed season one of True Detective, which I think was a great season of television. Yeah, that was a good one. Regardless, is clearly about to be canceled because as we've discovered, Cary Fukunaga is not only heterosexual,

but he attempts to act upon it, which we need to shut the fuck down. Anonymous sources from the production of the upcoming Apple TV miniseries, Master of the Air says the director has engaged in absolute clear-cut abuse of power when interacting with young female actors and crew members. Motherfucker. Shut him down.

Get rid of him. Get rid of him. One unidentified woman who reportedly dated him after they met on set said a heavy weight was lifted after they parted ways. She says, when I thought about him, I just wanted to vomit. Is he a big guy? No, he's like a nice looking dude. I thought she meant like a heavy weight was lifted off of her getting plowed.

These accusations have also come from now a 23-year-old actress who says she was 18 when she was in a Samsung commercial the director directed. And they engaged in a brief and consensual romantic relationship. Can you imagine that he had consensual sex with an attractive 18-year-old woman? We should put a bullet in his fucking head. That's what it is. It's jealousy it is jealousy it's insanity on both on women are jealous that these girls are young and having fun

and guys are jealous that this guy's fucking them i don't understand what it is like how do you get okay you get in a relationship with a guy maybe the guy's a little famous or something i don't know and the second you exit the relationship it has to be, well, clearly I must have been abused. It's like, no. They're bragging. They're bragging. But they can't say, hey, I fucked that guy.

They're like, that guy raped me. They're not even saying that, though. They're saying, you know, he was kind of like, you know, there was a power imbalance is what they say that's right there's a power that's white women consider it rape now that if you have power over a woman they want it to be they want it to be that they that titillates them more well we were talking drinking their starbucks oh this land of almost like rape. They start shooting steam out their ears.

They go, In the land of victimhood culture, the raped woman is king. And when you keep redefining rape to, we had sex once consensually, and then he realized I was fucking nuts, and he ran the other way. Why do we as a society-

Tolerate women? Yes. I don't know. Why do we as a society tolerate women yes i don't know why do we why don't i don't i've been not tolerating them for decades but everyone pulls punches except me it's just the idea that any man who has any amount of success now has inordinate power over women he's just like a big target yeah like no shit he has power because he's rich and famous and you're all whores you're all gold digging whores it's the same no fucking shit and you brag about it you all brag about it since when you're kids it's the same thing with johnny depp and you go uh well she was a capable actress herself. She can take care of herself. Why is she the victim? Whatever, but

regardless, she has power too. And they claim, no, Johnny was in control and he had all the power and he abused her. And you're like, is it not possible that she's just fucking nuts and he wanted out? This is nuts. The whole justice system coddles women.

Yes. Because we're all afraid of them they all band together if women all banded together and killed themselves then we would have no one to fuck and they know we know that they're like

I'm gonna cut more I'm gonna I'm gonna start doing dumb stuff shit shit I just really hope that we in society can go what happened in your relationship is none of our business. I don't, unless he, unless you have a story that he like beat you around the head

and forced a chainsaw up your snooch. Don't care. I would maybe. You must have heard the brah, brah, brah, brah, brah, brah, brah. Why didn't you run away? Why didn't you run? Yeah. I think we really need to reserve this criminalization of sexual behavior.

Okay, yes, there are real monsters out there, but when you hear like, and he was kind of abusive and blah, blah, blah. Can't we just tell these women, I don't care. We're not going to publish your stupid story. There's nothing here to talk. Oh, my God. A man who has spent his life excelling in his craft specifically to become attractive. That's why we do anything in life.

It's why we keep striving upwards in the hopes that a woman might notice and fuck us. And you're now telling us, no, that's against the rules. You have to constantly climb upwards and there's no reward for no reason. You get nothing. You lose, sir. Good day, sir. And you're like, no. You told me that if I did that,

I got to have sex with women. And they're like, no. That's a power dynamic. Fuck you. That's a power dynamic. You go to fucking cancellation jail and we take your entire career away. Everything you suffered and strived for

was a fucking lie. It was a lie. 40 years ago when you started. 40 years ago when we told you just keep at it and you'll get all the pussy and adoration you want. We lied. You're kicked out of Hollywood. You're kicked out of your job. Go

die in a gutter because you are an abusive individual. Dick, we gotta stop criminalizing heterosexuality. That's my problem. Shaming it or criminalizing it? Well, it's criminalized in the eyes of the public. Of women.

The way they want to treat it. Yeah. So. I was talking about this baseball player at my house with my family. And he got, he was having all kinds of rough sex with this crazy broad. And she said that he raped her or something like that. And he was suspended from MLB, from the MLB. He was a new pitcher, hugely famous guy for the Dodgers.

And my mom goes, well, you shouldn't fuck, you know, crate. You shouldn't stick your dick in crate. She didn't say it that way. She was like, you shouldn't fuck you know crate you shouldn't stick your dick in crate she didn't say it that way you shouldn't stick your dick

in crate I said what do you what do you look for in a woman to know she's not crazy

my mom goes well you just have to know that's to me that's crazy what you just said it's crazy

you know that right you're fucking with me now right with that shit you're just nobody around here you're not that right you're fucking with me now right with that shit you're just nobody around here you're not helping anyone you're just antagonizing me do you see how it works

it's honestly terrifying when i look at like young men who are going like you know i'd like to be a creator i want to make things i want to have a career and whatever else yeah go ahead you kind of gotta eat then they go like should I have sex with women? You're like, yes. You're taking a big risk by doing it, but I don't know what to tell you. I've heard multiple people say like, well. You date one wrong woman and you're fucked. Don't fuck your fans.

Like, well, then what are you? Who are you supposed to fuck then? What are you doing then? Yeah, why not? What, are you going to fuck someone that hates you? Oh, hi, do you know, you like my stuff? Yeah. No, not really.

Wow, I really admire the work you do, and I'm really impressed by your talents. Get the fuck away from me! There is a power imbalance here that can never be rectified. Get out of here! I can only date women who have no idea who I am and hate everything I make. I forget who I heard recently who said that. Well, you know, don't fuck your fans I'm like did you just hear that and you're repeating it to me like what do you what do

you mean don't who do you who do you fuck then random people do you think people become rock stars and they go well everybody all you beautiful women in the audience uh thank you for being my rock star and now I'm gonna go meet girls at the local book club who have never heard of me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm so, it's so, I have to change myself again. Yeah. I'm still not enough to have, to deserve sex from you stupid gashes.

I have to achieve this and then lower myself again. Yeah. To your level. And then they go to the book club and they become a major member and they become president of the book club and they go, fuck, now I can't fuck these chicks either. God, you can't win. Basically, they're telling you as a man

is to have as little power as possible and then somehow find women who want to fuck the loneliest. You just have to lie. Yeah. Like the amount of lying that you have to do is... We live in a society, Dick. That's my problem.

Amber Heard. Amber Heard, it's about that. We'll talk about that. You're coming in on Sunday, right? Yeah, we'll talk about that on Sunday. We'll talk about that. Ho! Will we have a discussion? Alright, what are our problems

Our problems this week are Suction cups Criminalizing heterosexuality Okay Cannon cops Cannon cops and Hate hoaxes Hate hoaxes

Basically yours Is a subset of mine Oh my You think that Yeah cause that's a transgression against women That's not hate Hate is a whole different thing No no no no no

That's a hate against women You can't say my problem is a subsection of your problem If anything your problem Is a subset of my problem No no no Because that only happens with white women What you're describing. Yeah, which means it's a much bigger problem than anything in any other community

because white women are a cancer from which our society will never be repaired. Okay. Here's some voicemails. Listen to the newest episode. And Vito was talking about how he always has a like, a lot of these great or amazing ideas. Yes. Yeah. And I think that would be a cool segment for, like, maybe the Dick Show or, I don't know, part of this show maybe, kind of maybe like an offshoot episode where people, like, pitch, not just Vito, but even the fans pitch ideas that they think are brilliant or whatever.

And you guys can either agree with them or disagree with them as you would. All right. Bye. Brilliant ideas. The television show. I think it's got legs. You should do that. We should do imaginary Shark Tank where it's like Shark Tank, but you have no proof of concept whatsoever.

Just like bits, funny bits. Like a gun that cures cancer. You go, okay, well like how would you build it? You're like, Oh,

that's on you guys. Uh, okay. Hey, that's words. Oh, they're called gloves and you have them in the kitchen and you use them when you're cutting spicy peppers or you're handling raw meat or whatever else you don't want your actual skin to touch

you're not doing it here's your pro tip because you said that you do not like to touch meat yeah i mean what are you gonna put like latex gloves? Like a serial killer when you're moving meat around? I hate putting on... You know what I hate? Then you have that film. Then you have that shitty powder all over your hands, you idiot. I hate putting on those gloves more than I hate touching... I like touching meat.

I don't like either one, but at least the meat is greasy and organic. Yeah. The gloves... I would say I love touching meat, but I don't mind touching meat. And they're going to be all smell like gloves. And getting those gloves on is always just a pain in the ass.

And then you go, oh, I can't get one finger. I hate it. You know like when, remember in like Mission Impossible when Tom Cruise is climbing that building with those suction cup things?

Yeah. He should have just died immediately. Fucking, this is bull. This is such bullshit. No suction cup works. You think that's a cannon cop, so vote your problem is down. That's not a cannon cop. I guess the canon of their universe is that suction cups work.

So when he got those devices, he was like, awesome. These suction cups will be so useful. He should have fucking... He should have been like, suction cups? In a true canon, he should have said, no way I'm using this. I don't think so. I don't think so, Tim. Then he would say, I don't think so, Tim.

Remember home improvement? I do remember. Tool time. Okay. Hey, Dick. Hey, Vito. It's your old pal, VP. The biggest problem in the universe is going on vacation with a woman. Just got back from Puerto Vallarta. It was amazing. My wife at the resort got this package where she prepays money, and you get an extra 15% to spend at the resort.

Well, the entire time, she's second-guessing herself. Like, I don't think I prepaid enough, but i don't want to pay any more money so she's going over every every single expense that i'm such a pain which is all alcohol you're drinking too much you know how much those drinks cost oh we're gonna run out of money i don't like this at all you need to stop drinking okay fine whatever i slow it down a little because I'm a good I'm a nice guy nice fucking guy second to last day his wife

it's night time we just finished dinner she gets a print out of all the stuff she's looking at how much money we have to spend

and it's prepaid so it's use it or lose it and she goes we have so much money to fucking spend Dustin

and she looks at me seriously and says, I wish you would have drank a little more. Oh, my God. That's your fault for listening. That's your fucking fault for listening. Next time I go on vacation, I'll take her,

but I'm fucking leaving her there. And then I'm going to start the real vacation where I want to go by my fucking self. That is an interesting little mind game they put with you. Having you prepay money knowing you'll save money but you got to use everything you got.

That's a... Well, all the prices are fabricated. But you can't add to your prepaid account once you get there. Yes, you can. Well, if you can add to it, then who cares? Women.

Yeah. It's like a retarded system. I think if you're on vacation, you just got to go, you know what? I'm just going to spend it. If we got to spend extra money, I'll think about it later. You got one life to lead. Spend a little extra alcohol if you have to. Who cares?

Was that a real sentence? Spend a little extra on alcohol. You have one life to lead. Spend a little extra alcohol if you need. Spend a little extra on alcohol. But what about one life to lead, spend a little extra alcohol if you need. Spend a little extra on alcohol. But what about one life to lead? You got one life to lead.

That's a saying. Spend a little extra alcohol if you need it. A little extra on alcohol if you need it. You've never heard the phrase, you've got one life. Not one life to lead. One life to lead. No. I think that works. Okay. Let's see. One life to Lead. One Life to Lead. No. I think that works.

Okay. Let's see. One Life to Lead. Jesus Christ. One Life to Lead. No, that's a pun. Business success. Business success. That means they're punning the phrase One Life to Live.

Here's a band named One Life to Lead. That's a phrase? It's got four point... Look at the number of results. So the only way this phrase pops up is some failure of a band on Rabdo Records

in a business book. One Life to Lead. You're leading... Please. I don't know. Don't Bernstein bears me. I think that is a saying. All right, one more, and then we'll read Super Chats.

Being put on hold is the biggest problem in the fucking universe. On hold. Hold. Hold. He is saying hold. Don't put you on hold for 10 minutes to talk to someone. Talk to them and say, okay, I'll look into that. Let me put you on hold. Well, how long is that going to take my man? Like two minutes, five minutes, 10, 20?

Who the hell knows? I want to do something, but I can't because if I miss you calling me back, I have to call the company back, again they're gonna put you on hold not fun the the call me back thing is one of the best inventions yeah the one where we can call you back when it's your time that's the greatest and that they they ask you if you want to do it yeah it's like what are you who's the psychopath who says no i just want to sit i want to know that i'm sitting here well i guarantee there's a guy who thinks that the system's trying to get him. He's like, no, if I get off the phone, they're not going to, you know, whatever. So if I stay on, they'll get to me quicker.

Well, then they even say, if we call you back, you won't lose your place in line. Yeah. Because you know. They're playing a trick. They're trying to trick me. No, that is the greatest thing. Yeah, sitting on hold and not knowing. Because sometimes you sit on hold long enough and you go,

I'm pretty sure that I just got disconnected from the guy and they have no idea I'm sitting here. And you have no way to know. Nobody checks in on you. Well, guys, what a great show. We're going to take a look at your super chats. But don't forget to vote on the problems right away. Vote for real.

At biggestproblem.show. Yes, no fake votes this time. No fake votes this time. And we will be recording our new bonus episode, the Biggest Problem.show. Yes, no fake votes this time. No fake votes this time. And we will be recording our new bonus episode, the Biggest Problem Pride Edition. With gay people. No, not Biggest Problem with Gay People. That is not the title of the episode.

And if you search for that, you will not find it. You don't have to search for it. You know where it is. It's a special Pride Month look at problems, and we're very excited to talk about it and to support our lgbtqiaa2 plus community yeah you want to read these super chats let's read the super chat spider eternal for two says people that ask you explain inside jokes. Painful. Yeah, that can be a problem.

Justin Coley for GBP 179 says, Tim Chang's pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Fadix the Great for five, fraudulent voting voted up or not. Doesn't really matter, I guess. Well, if we can't fix this problem, that will be true. Rex Sexton for five says, I came in the toilet at my parents' house this week. Oh. Much easier and cleaner than squeegeeing it into my pubes, making them look like Don King. Gross.

Stage zero for two. Be fair and tell us the new Vito Twitter. I suck, Cox. That's so good. He used the... Because I saw it be fair, but he realized I was going to read the amount of the super chat. Oh, wow. And nailed it.

Oh, wow. And actually, I think you fucked up YouTube-y fairies last week. Yeah. You didn't get one for that. I suck, Cox. YouTube-y fairies. Is close. Yeah.

It's it. YouTube-y fairies. Wait, that was last week was YouTube-y fairies? Yeah, I think so. Uh-oh. Whatever. I suck, Cox. If I repeat it, it doesn't count as a-

Of course it does. Oh, whatever. Anyway, that was a good one. Wow. And the new Vito Twitter. I don't know what you're talking about, but there is an Italian Pepsi man out there who has been causing some trouble.

Chubby Pencil for 10. Hey, guys, last week I found an old Tim Rogers stream that featured a long-haired Vito. Just want to say great idea switching the hats full time. Yes, if you find my old game streams with Tim Rogers, who I was telling you about, I'd love to get on the show. Yeah, I had a terrible...

There's a reason I started wearing hats. Let's put it that way. Because of balding? Yeah, because of balding and then I just didn't know what to do with my... There was a point of time where I was like, I have no idea. I'm just ugly. Oh. And then I eventually was like, oh wait, you can just wear hats. And it caused

a lot. It saved me, honestly. But I had no idea what to do with myself. Martin O'Keefe for two. Dictation soon. Waterworld maybe. Love the show. Waterworld. That's a long one. I just went to Universal and I love that Waterworld show. Really? The live Waterworld stunt show.

And they're like, oh. Dry land. Oh, here comes the mariner. It's the mariner. Those shows are so like gay. Awesome. Fucking sick. They fucking spray bullets and explode shit.

And they jump a fucking, the plane, the sea plane jumps over the wall. Yeah, but you can wall see where it's going right there it's gonna go it's awesome it's awesome peter r for 20 says the biggest problem is being a network engineer and having to ping an ipv6 address way too long to type. There are 340 trillion trillion trillion IPv6 addresses, almost like the IETF nerds are compensating for something. I was saying every sperm gets an IP address. They're that long, the addresses. Yeah, dumb.

Well, because they're planning ahead. They don't want them to run out. Eddie Cowdrey for five. I thought stuffing the ballot was a feature of the voting system. Also, my daughter thinks Vito looks like a Discord moderator. How old is she? Old enough to know that Discord moderators should not be trusted. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, right? She knows. Good. Smart kid. Fire Chicken 217 for 10. Biggest problem is needing a second job to live in the same one-bedroom apartment. Yeah, I hear that.

Oh, that sucks. Rex Sexton for two. I split my flashlight in half within three uses. I've never known. I mean, I guess you don't talk about it. But obviously someone's buying these things. Isn't it the number one sex toy, the flashlight, for some reason? Yeah, because it's like a jack-off.

I never understood it, you know? Well, it's better than using your hand and lotion and stuff. You can just get a flashlight at the store and have sex with that. Okay. Just buy a flashlight, just take the batteries out, right? Well, you can, maybe. And then just fuck the flashlight.

Fadix the Great for five! Dick, the rhyme has always been based on last week's problems Do we now just have to guess what your problems will be and make a rhyme for them? No, he's saying that No, you idiot You comment now You comment now on this show for next week

Right Jesus Christ You should take the problems from this show and make a rhyme out of them Pretend that we're doing another show next week and we need a rhyme to say at the beginning. Right. Do rhyme what you know. How about that? I think he gets it now.

Michael, okay. It has electrolytes. It has electrolytes. Do you even know what that means? Michael Bruce Ellis for 10. Better Call Saul has excellent continuity. They craft the story deliberately not to contradict lines. Breaking Bad is totally reasonable to expect.

You should try to be fair to these critics. Okay. Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul are not fair. I suck, Hodge. What did I do? Go back. Go back. What was it?

Say it again. Better call Saul his excellent continuity. The craft is turning to the other country lines to bring bed. It's really reasonable to expect. You should try. Oh, motherfucker. Wow, that one was just right out in the open. See, that's a good tactic.

If you get me fired up about a topic, and you know that I'm going to argue with it, then I'll just read through it. Anyway, I don't know if he was being serious. You got me. You got me. You got nailed twice. Yeah, I got nailed.

Did you refresh? Is there any other people trying to nail me? Well, guys, what a great show. Once again, biggestproblem.show. Check out the bonus problem coming to you soon at patreon.com. Oh, and real quick, could you pop up a Check out the bonus problem coming to you soon at patreon.com Oh, and real quick, could you pop up a graphic on the screen for me, Dick?

Because I want to thank some people who have come along. Our dickheads and our veto file pluses. The count currently stands at 18 dickhead pluses and 16 veto files. Dick is winning by two. Do you have a lady in yours?

Oh, yeah, Nicole Bates. She's great. What the fuck? She's a spicy redhead, too. What the fuck? Whoa-wee-wa. Whoa. Ooh-wa-wo-wa.

What the hell? I'll show you a picture of her later. You're going to be jealous that she's not on your side. I only have pig feeler. Yeah, he's not a good-looking guy, I tell you what. I've seen that guy. Not so good. We will only be updating this graphic, by the way, at the beginning of every month.

So if you join in late, you're going to have to wait for next month for it to be updated. Also, make sure to check at the beginning of the month, Patreon bills. Make sure to fix your credit cards. Yeah. Your credit cards get declined, and then we don't get any money. What the fuck? We lost like- Be on top of it.

Like 100 patrons because you guys, all your credit cards get declined. Because you're broke. Because your credit cards, because your banks are fucked. So please check and make sure if you want to support the show, check your payment processing and everything else. All right. Thanks, everybody. Oh, and I have one personal plug, Dick.

I'm trying to get The mailing list For my comic book up So please head on over To superkiller.org And give me I couldn't get it.com Why not like an IO?

No I don't know Should I get an IO? Or a.fund Don't those cost more? No they're less Because no one wants them .orgs are only 10 bucks though Regardless

It's like a.org. You think you're like a... It sounds like you're... I know. Well, whatever. I already picked it. I can't go back on it now, okay? I'm not going to suddenly change it.

Well, you could redirect. No, I'm not going to redirect. How about superkiller.website? No, that's stupid. You could get like superkiller.club or something. What about.comic? There's not a.comic? There is no.comic because I looked.

Are you sure? I would have got that. I don't think there's a.comic. If there is, I'll get it. There's.book, I think. There you go. I don't know if there is.book, actually. I might have made that up. And if there is a.book, I think it's one of the ones that's like $100 a year because they, for some reason, think they're premium. You don't think that your book's going to make

more? Why spend the money? Nobody even cares about URLs anymore. It's not a thing no one's gonna remember it more if it's not a killer dot comic let's see i don't think there's a dot comic there's dot art dot xyz dot lol i don't want dot lol dot art dot cloud dot blog these are all stupid everybody remembers a dot org i could get dot gay for only 255 a year what about dot us i'm gonna get dot inc there you go dot inc whatever it's all stupid go to quest regardless my kickstarter it's it's a ways down the line but i'm getting my mailing list together

dot buzz please go to superkiller.org and join the mailing list and then you'll be able to get it before anybody else. Okay. And I appreciate you all and I love you. Thanks everybody. Bye. Bye. Dot gay.