The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 45

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Influencer Culture, Extreme Heat Events, Sticky Re-sealable Deli Meat Bags, Event Wristbands.

Are you ready? Yeah! Do you need to charge up with some Hoes Mad? Do you need to read about them? No, no, I think I'm good. Do you need a little sampling? I think I'm good. Ah, taste!

Ah, lick my screen. Are you actually... Am I celebrating the Hoes are Mad? No, no, that's horrible. What do you mean? I live for this! I live for this day. Trump, you're giving to us again.

The biggest problem. You're giving us your sweet bounty, our Lord Trump. Our Lord from beyond the grave. In the universe. Welcome to the biggest problem in the universe. The only show that ranks every problem in the universe from Amber Heard supporters to being called a hoarder. I'm your host, Dick Maddison. Joining me as always is D.W. Giswoldi.

Hi, Dick. Dark day for America. Oh, especially for women. Woo-hoo-hoo! Oh, a dark day for women. This is not a good bit. Back to the Middle Ages you go, you bitches. This is not a good bit. Cha! Cha! Better put a chastity belt on those britches.

Oh, no. Arr! Arr! No, Dick. No. I bet you're terrible. I disavowed this bit. See this one coming, you bitches. This is so bad.

Arr! We're plundering your abortion rights. We've come from faraway lands. And we're plundering your abortions. We're plundering your abortion rights We've come from faraway lands And we're plundering your abortions We're plundering your rights Oh my god Friday, guns, more rights Women, less rights

Kaboom The wish Booyah Ladies and gentlemen This is the worst Trump with a 20 point shot From another stadium He's banned from this stadium

Swish, Kobe Crashes into the mountain Boom, shakalaka I disavowed this on so many levels To the women of America I apologize For what rights have been stripped from you and the horrible things. Oh, a dark day!

It's a dark day. Worse than slavery. Okay, well, why do you got to immediately go to... Wow! It's worse than slavery! It's not worse than slavery. Oh, I want to hear them say it. I want women to say that it's worse than slavery, what happened to them today.

No women are ever going to watch this show ever again. It's destroyed. I agree with you. Yeah, I know you do. It's horrible what's happened to them. Yes. So why are you... So why?

Because they shouldn't have run Hillary Clinton. That's not the lady's fault. That's not their fault. It's not? It's not? Oh. That's the deep state, the left deep state cabal. Oh, I see.

Forced the Clintons. It was her turn. And Ruth Bader Ginsburg should have resigned. And Susan Sarandon should have shut her mouth. Too late now. And now. Maybe you can bitch yourself a time machine. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Going back in time. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. A woman that bitched so hard she went back to the year 2010 and bitched her way into the Supreme Court and said RPG you better retire you bitch to clarify

dick you're saying that you support a woman's reproductive rights but it's funny because you know it's a schoiden freudy type situation.

Yeah, I didn't do it. Yeah. Well. I mean, look. It's going to result in the Republicans losing the midterms and the election. I kind of hope that it energizes some people to be like, maybe this is not the right path forward.

It's not going to be so funny then with President Kamala Harris. Well, yeah, and that's a whole other bag of worms. With VP Hillary. We're just fucked no matter what happens at this point. I just can't. I'm just numb to it all. Don't kill some kids and then kill some of the other kids with a gun.

It doesn't matter. Did you hear that the Catholic Church pledged to support all of the... If you were going to abort your kid, they pledged to support your baby until they're 18? With money? I mean, they said they're going to put all the Michelangelos and shit up for sale. No, they didn't. Yeah, they said Pope's going to come and give back. He's going to sell his golden crown.

He's opening up an OnlyFans. Yeah. Are they going to turn the child slave dungeons beneath the Vatican into orphanages now? Yeah. They're opening up that whole shit. That whole Vatican. I'll put it this way. I'll be fine if every Catholic family in America agrees to adopt one child there.

Then I'll go at least... Especially the slippery ones. Whatever the fuck that means. Let me get into those kids. No, no. Let me get into the line around the block me get there I'm gonna have a line Around the block Oh yeah

Free kids Are you giving out today Huh yeah I just Hopefully Adoption rates go up Because that would be Ethically consistent

With your claims To love Kids And babies And whatever the fuck else Do you know anyone With an adopted kid I don't know Maybe Yeah When people talk about their kids I just tune out and whatever the fuck else. Do you know anyone with an adopted kid?

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. When people talk about their kids, I just tune out. Sometimes, it's either no adopted kids or it's always like we got like nine of them. And I'm like, okay, well, it feels like there's a safe middle ground somewhere.

What's that? It's like foster dogs. Yeah, exactly. People have like, they never have one foster dog. Right. They have six, seven. Yapping, causing trouble.

Because you get bored of having sex with the one. Okay. Well, I don't know if that's what it is. So you've got to adopt like seven kids. I don't know if that's why. One for every day of the week. Sad day for America, Dick. Only half of it.

Only half of it. Only half of it. Only for 60% of it. I believe it is a 60% of people across the board support abortion. Ric Flair. Woo! That's me. The 40% wins.

Congratulations, guys. I'm anti-life. I just want to make that clear. I think there's well screwed the Republicans, though, because a lot of Republicans are pro-abortion, too. They're going to go, it's going too long. too you're gonna go it's going too long and they're talking about uh because a lot of other what do you call supreme court decisions have followed the same oh yeah logic i think i think like uh it's like right to privacy or something oh what's that well i have no fucking idea but they're saying they're gonna go after contraceptive rights gay marriage marriage rights. Oh, no. Yeah, oh, no. Not gay marriage.

Yes, oh, no. Maybe they'll go after straight marriage next. Okay, well, if we're going to get rid of all marriage, that would be a whole different conversation. But regardless, equal rights under the law. You're going to de-stink some of my house. That's fine. De-stink some of my house.

It's a dark day for women. For America. Women. Rights. Blowing the fuckica women rights blowing the fuck out blowing the fuck out look it would be fun if they took away like a like a good right this is not one to take away because this is a woman's right that benefits men uh i guess you spent a little too much time on trans rights when you should have been worrying about your fucking uteruses you fucking girls you should have spent more time figuring out what the definition of a woman was before throwing all your rights away whoops all that vaccine shit's not so funny

now is it get this vaccine in you get that fucking baby in you bitch have you talked to Ralph about today's judgments no why I don't know I just feel like he would have an opinion Have you talked to Ralph about today's judgments? No.

No. Why? I don't know. I just feel like he would have an opinion. Fuck them hoes, probably. No, I don't think that's what he thinks. What do you think he thinks? I think he thinks, you know, you want, I'm saying there's certain guys. What do you think that he thinks?

There's certain guys that want abortion to be legal, you know, myself included. Because then you don't end up, you know, with a kid. Hold on. Let me write this down. Let me write this. You're dropping some wisdom on me. Yeah. Abortion.

Okay. Without a kid. You don't end up with a kid. Are you saying his Ralph's on the hook for child support? Yeah. And his kids, like, getting, they're, like, dangling in front of him. They're fucking with him with a kid. Really.

It's more of the most sickest and evil things I've sickest I think they're going to grow up all fucked up would have benefited from an abortion potentially I can't say that about someone I know his son, I'll say that about anyone else any kids I don't know the fact that Andy Worski and PPP are his god parents

I can say that kid's fucked. Plenty of amazing artists have had troubled pads and youths. That's true. That's true. The winner is... Throwing away perfectly good shit. Wow.

Like fetuses. Yeah. Well, that was the thing. Yeah. So you correctly anticipated today's Supreme Court. Wow! Like fetuses. Yeah. Well, that was the thing. Yeah. So you correctly anticipated today's Supreme Court ruling. Yeah. What's the most... How crazy is it they have trigger laws the second abortion becomes legal again?

Yeah. They have laws that are ready to go, all right, shut them down, or that becomes illegal. That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. They've been prepping for it. Yeah. So yeah, you won with that one. That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. They've been prepping for it. Yeah. So, yeah, you won with that one.

Mm-hmm. Thank you. Andy Signore, not so hot. Not so hot. Talking to the biggest game. And they're all pretty close. They're all within about, like, 20 votes of each other. Yeah.

Amber Heard supporters next, followed by... Tattletail Journalists. Which I think would have won if Andy hadn't interrupted with, This is a stupid problem. You should have done this pop culture thing. And I'm like, Andy, I think I know my show more than you know my show. You don't though. You lost.

You came in dead last. I win constantly. I lost by like nothing. They're like neck and neck. Well, you're losing the bonus show, too. I am losing the bonus show. Fear of drag is negative. Patreon.com slash biggest problem.

You're losing that one, too. Okay, Mazinj says, Vito is a retard. Yes. When he said Johnny Cash was a conservative, I almost blew my gasket. Cash is probably the only country music star you could point to who wasn't a conservative. Oh. How about that? Alex...

I meant Conway Twitty. I don't fucking know. Alexis Jorgen says, can we play Dick and or Vito to host our funerals if we happen to die? Bitch, you're going to die. Yeah. No, if about it. If. Alexis, you're going to die.

All the questions, do they die before us? Welcome to the jungle, baby. No Greenland trips prepared. Just would love to pay for you to host our funeral. Just tell jokes, even if it isn't related to us or our personal lives. I have D-cups, by the way. Thank you for your response.

Yeah. I think I responded to that. Oh, what'd you say? I said 10K. I said 10K, I'll do 30 minutes. Really? And I'll pretend that I'll do 30 minutes, 10 minutes musings on your life, 20 minutes fart jokes and shit. Crowd work?

Crowd work, yeah. And then I'll spend the rest of the evening getting drunk and pretending we were really good friends. Cheese1000 says, I'm surprised to hear Vito is a top. This whole time I thought he was a liberal. Ouch. Hedgepig says, every time they go to announce a problem and it starts with a J, I think it's going to be Jews. I don't know why you would get that assumption.

Well, historically, people have had a lot of problems with shoes have they or have they created problems for the choose stick wow to tell your interpretation of history glenn letts says you guys are doing better because you guys are real more people want content like what you guys have to offer in what this shit world has turned into you know what i saw that comment as well and i was like he's kind of got a point what's the point is that everybody is it feels like now there's more fake i know that everything has always been fake oh yeah but i can't think of like any comedians who are doing anything even remotely edgy in any way. Even comedians, when they start going into their comedian thing, I just kind of tune out.

I'm like, yeah, I mean, it's like... When they're doing their... I'm like, you're not really being real. You've got to like a bit. Well, this was a problem I was maybe going to bring in. I'll just tell it right now is that I tried to invite a comedian to come on the show. Clearly they must've went to the page and like looked around. They're just kind of like,

you know, it's just not really, it's just not really in line with, you know, what I am and what I do. I'm like, you do comedy. You're a comedian.

What are you talking about? Like, yeah, you know, it's just not like a right fit. And I'm like, all right, I get it.

I get it. Yeah. Fuck you. You're busy. you busy yeah well that would have been better don't don't big league don't like tell us we're shitty i think it was telling us that we're like alt-right psychopaths or whatever the hell i think the thing is they're not even listening to the show because we're not we we but we're willing to joke about topics that... I think it's horrible what happened to women. You're the reason. You're the problem. But regardless, I hope that we are. You strive for a certain authenticity, right?

Me? All of us. Hopefully us, I would hope. I don't want to be fake on this show, but it's hard because you end up... Sometimes you end up being fake. Everyone ends up hating you. Well, I don't know. And over time, like a little bit more people hate you.

Well, that's the thing, is being fake. Diminishing returns. See, I got to save all this because this all goes into one of my problems I brought in. You should have just made it your problem now. But I also, Dick... Are you... You got all the comments done? No, go ahead.

Well, Dick, as we know, we have been doing my exciting new segment called Vote It Up, which we should have like a little jingle for or something. Yeah. Vote it up, where we revisit old problems.

Problem you might remember, Dick, was how to dispose of oil. Well, Mazinga on Discord has sent us this helpful guide from Scientific American. I don't know if you can see this, but it says,

to dispose of used engine oil, just dig a hole in the ground. Flip it around. Flip it around and show it to the camera behind you. Okay. There we go. Back up a little bit. There you go. Okay.

To dispose of used engine oil, dig a hole in the ground with a post hole digger, fill it with fine gravel, then pour in the oil. It will be absorbed into the ground before your next change That's from 1963 Just pour your engine oil Into a hole Outside That you dug in the ground

And filled with gravel Do you have to make a new hole every time? I feel like they don't tell you to do this anymore I feel like this is outdated advice But there's still some grandpa out there that's doing it. Yeah, that's going, well, time to go dig a gravel hole. And meanwhile, beneath his property is a quagmire. Isn't that right, though?

Like the dinosaurs are in the ground becoming oil, and then you just pour the oil back where it came from. No, because oil leaks anyway. I don't think you'd need a lot of gravel. Someone will pull it back out. I don't think this is how you dispose of engine oil. The other thing I wanted to bring up, so vote it up, how to dispose of your oil. Okay.

And, of course, another problem we had on the show was the insurrection, the January 6th riots. And a great place to learn about those are the ongoing January 6th hearings they've been having. So that might be another one. Did they get the guys who were responsible yet? They're working on it. They're working on it? They're working on it. And right now that problem is in the negative for some reason.

But I feel like now that all this truth has come to light, perhaps we could vote it up and make it a positive, the January 6th insurrection. Can you say that again? Insurrection. No, no, the January part. The January 6th insurrection. Can you say that again? Insurrection. No, no, the January part. The January 6th insurrection. I don't think you're saying that right.

Sixth? It's January 6th. Say it. The number. Well, I was saying sixth. Like, it's sixth. Sixth. No.

Sixth. Yeah, sixth. I can say sixth. That doesn't sound like it., it's sixth. Sixth. No. Six. Yeah, sixth. I can say sixth. That doesn't sound like it. You were saying sixth. The January 6th insurrection. You're saying like the Dark Lord of the Sixth. Sometimes you miss the X when you're going for an X and you end up with a C.

Yeah. But I know that it's an X. The January 6th insurrection. Sixth. Sixth. Fuck it. I don't even know. Anyway, you're the winner.

Congratulations of last week's problems. Thanks. Are you ready for my problem? I think I am. Heat wave? Heat waves? Or extreme heat events? Extreme heat events.

Heat waves. E-H-E's. I'm not saying global warming. No. Actually, I would say global warming is an unfortunate side effect from heat waves. People are like, oh my God, it's so hot. It must be global warming. Yeah.

It must be permanent, right? Well, it is. It's just things getting hot. No, no. It's things suddenly getting hot. Okay. Extreme heat events kill 500,000 people. Wow.

Every year. I bet that was a lot higher than you thought. Wait, 500,000 people die from extreme heat events? Okay, so. Heat wave. Boom. They evaporate. This is like in the desert, I imagine.

Everywhere. Yeah. The desert. Not in, yeah, but I'm saying not in like. Not underwater. Not in developed countries. Not only like. We probably deal, yeah. Not in like 1,200 people. So it's not... Not underwater. Not in developed countries. Only like 1,200 people.

Yeah. So it's not a white person. It's not a... This is like a Saharan African something problem. India. India. Oh, India. Imagine you're pooping in the street.

Right. And it's like 106 degrees. And you're like, holy shit. And you're not even done pooping, but the sun's still coming in slowly. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. You're perspiring all over.

And then you just drop dead of a heat stroke. Heat and humidity will affect 1.2 billion people worldwide. Imagine you're trying to hire a transgender hooker on the street. You're wearing all these ski clothes. Exactly. All of a sudden, heat stroke takes you. Who was that? What?

There was some... I think it was Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy. Yeah, Eddie Murphy was trying to get a transgender hooker wearing a bunch of clothes and got heat stroke and just passed out on the street or something. Wait, really? That's what he went with? Heat stroke?

I think so. I think he said... It's so hot. It's so hot. And he passed out. That can happen. Yeah. Especially if you're hiring with a prostitute or you're with another woman,

you can get heat stroke immediately. Wow. And pass out. It will mess up your life. Heat victims often die alone, my studies say. That's sad. Apart from heat stroke, it can cause cardiovascular collapse and kidney failure. It damages our organs and even our DNA, you know.

Well, that's been the big thing. The sun is so damaging. You sweat. Sweat through your clothes. Put on a new shirt. Yeah. Take two steps. Ugh, I'm disgusting.

What prompted this problem for you exactly? It's hotter than hell. It's just so hot lately. Sweating in my sleep. And you're worried about potential heat diff. Look, is Amber Heard a bigger problem than it being way too hot? No. The ground is all hot.

Well. Your car is all hot. If it comes on slowly and gets hot, no problem. Okay? But if it's boom, all of a sudden it's hot, fuck that. Sometimes it gets so hot that I'm just like, heat exhaustion.

That I can't get anything done. I mean, I'm lazy to begin with, but all of a sudden it's hot, and you're going to tell me in the other room I got a beautiful air-conditioned bedroom, I can just lie down and do nothing? Exactly. It's obvious. Exactly. The situation can result in heat exhaustion, my studies say. I wonder what loss of productivity to bedroom i could just lie down and do nothing exactly it's obvious exactly yeah uh the situation can result in heat exhaustion my study i wonder what loss of productivity is i wonder i wonder if companies i don't have are less productive yes during heat months very yeah probably so what's

even the point of going into work we should take all summers off always. Yeah. Characterized by symptoms that include nausea, muscle cramps, and dizziness. The deadlier the heat stroke, which can cause delirium, hot and dry skin, and loss of consciousness. Just like what happened to Eddie Murphy. Yeah. How about that? All this, you need to go protest for abortions? It's hotter than hell. Thanks a lot.

You can't get anything done. Thanks a lot, God. Or other guy. Whatever it is. I don't know. I still think the Amber Heard stuff. I mean, she poisoned us

against Johnny Depp. Isn't that worse than a heat stroke? Johnny Depp is better. He's more famous than ever now. He's a champion of men's rights.

It did work out in his favor. Women thought they had it bad when Amber Heard got done in. Yeah. Now look at you. Now you're wishing you just had your fake rape shit getting

made fun of. Now you really got something to cry about. Now you have some real problems. Clarence Thomas said, oh, I'll give you something to cry about. You don't like that Amber Heard, huh? Clarence Thomas. Not a good guy that guy. What were you going to call him? I was not going to call him anything. I What were you going to call him?

I was not going to call him anything I thought you were going to call him something I was going to call him not a very nice gentleman African American gentleman He's a not very nice Person Is he all these people calling him the n-word? I'm not racist I don't think there's a lot these people calling him the n-word i'm not racist but like i don't think

there's a lot of people calling i'm sure you found some people calling him the n-word oh they're all doing it yeah some women are at home trying it for the first time they never said that word before they're just yeah they're like it comes across the news it's like abortion has been banned everywhere and they go you fucking starts coming across them. They are. Everyone's having a Michael Richards moment at home today. They're going in the closet. There's other justices other than that guy. Wasn't it like a 6-3 split anyway?

Yeah. It was a big split. Yep. Because what's the Supreme Court stacked? Is it stacked 6-3 or is it 5-4? I think it's 6-3. Oh, wow. With that Roberts guy.

They're destroying us. They all get more liberal as they get older because their brains start rotting. Who was that guy who was trying to sneak in and take one of them out? I don't know. Not a bad plan. Oh, the assassin? Yeah. You're saying that's not a bad plan? I'm just saying.

I mean, the way the Supreme Court works, it seems like it incentivizes assassinations. I thought so, too. Yeah. I've always thought that. It's like, why would you not have it be elected? If it literally is just based on whether they either resign or die, then you're saying, well, if you want change, you can't force them to resign, really. Yeah.

You know? You're kind of incentivizing. You're saying, I don't know what else to tell you. There's one way to get them out of there. Honestly, so our next bonus episode, we should do the biggest problem in America because it's for July. Wow. Oh, that's good. And I do want to do small Supreme, not enough Supreme Court justices.

There should be like 20 of them. There should be 6,000 of them. They should be roving. They should be all over the place going like, you know, no, that law is fucked. Of course you can have nuclear bombs at home. There's so much stuff that they don't have time to rule on. They toss out so many things that they probably should be.

We need the Supreme Court to talk about this. We can only do like three cases a year. Yeah, because we're so busy doing these human rights stories about how we're playing fucking basketball. Yo, fuck yourself. Anyway. So extreme heat events.

You know, the worst part is everybody talks about it, too. Yeah. How are you going to, oh, we should go see a movie just for the air. I know. I got it. What if I said to you, though, heat doesn't really bother me much because I'm from this particular place. That would be a problem, too.

That would be a problem. Because we know it bothers you. It bothers everyone. It is a sudden change. It's a problem. Killing half a million people. That's more than COVID. Yeah, but I mean, it's killing people in India.

They're not the same. How many starving African peasants to one guy who builds stuff that I like? You know? Well, there you go. It's still a lot of people. You know, like today I was listening to a podcast on the Chinese Great Leap Forward. And they're like, 10 million Chinese peasants died. And I'm like, yeah, but how many regular people from today is that?

You know? Oh, what's the exchange rate? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think you're right. Because it would have taken like 10,000 Chinese guys to do the work of like one guy exactly. Yeah, I think you're right. Because it would have taken like 10,000 Chinese guys to do the work of like one guy now.

One guy with a computer. One guy with a computer. Like George Jetson. How many Chinese people from the Ming Dynasty is worth like one meat? Yeah, exactly. 10,000, 20,000.

There is. There is a conversion rate. Me and you If I wanted to plant rice Which I don't But if I did I think now I could do it so much more efficiently

I could probably do the work of like a hundred Chinese guys Seems like a Mark Twain story You know what? This guy went back in time If I wanted to plant rice And I don't By the way I would do it a hell of a lot better than this

They also really fucked up planting the rice So I could have done like a thousand worth of those guys You couldn't plant one rice paddy I absolutely could What's step one? What is a rice paddy? A rice paddy is a large Arrogated You knowated puddle full of, I don't know.

I'm sure it's got some fertilizer in there. And you take the little rice thing and you stick it down in the patty. What do you think the conversion rate is? Is it country-based or time-based? It's a little of both. Time-based. Like a guy in the 50s. I think that's like two for one.

I think it's four to one. Four 50s guys are worth one guy today? Yeah. Okay, what about the 30s? Like World War II? I feel like ten guys. Just the rate of productivity that we're at right now with computers and everything

we're like insane I mean like soul wise like how important are they oh the soul yeah I think like 10 to 1 20 to 1

yeah well the white guys no wait uh what about the civil war that's like 50 to 100 100 to 1 as big as we get into heaven

and they're like those are premium souls cause those are the new guys the old guys there were so many of us and we just into heaven and they're like, those are premium souls because those are the new guys. The old guys. There were so many of us and we just died for no reason and like, you know. Your whole life would be like, what'd you do? I don't know.

I got drunk a couple times and I got sepsis. Yeah. Did you ever see the ocean? What's the ocean? Yeah. Did you even hear about it? No. How many languages did you speak? None?

Not even this one. Not even this one completely. Yeah. We're clearly worth more than a... Did you have a None? Not even this one. Not even this one completely. Yeah. We're clearly worth more than a... Did you have a wife? Yeah, I saw her like eight years ago

and I've been sailing around hunting whales. If anything, their souls are damaged too because they're all big. And how'd you feel about other people? It was like,

well, I owned some of them or whatever. And you know, well, that's not good. Oh, yeah. Okay. I used to hit my wife, my kids,

and got in a bar fight Killed a man It was a lawless time I'm just saying that I think I'm worth more than I agree with you Three 1930s Chinese peasants When you add Chinese onto it Well

They were terrible at growing rice Everything I read is like We would take these guys We just couldn't teach them to do anything onto it. Well, they were terrible at growing rice. Everything I read is like we would take these guys and we just couldn't teach them to do anything. What do you mean we? Italians? The communists. Wait, we as the communists now? You started with we as pedophiles.

I know. I keep getting in trouble with this we concept. The thing is about we. Some people really legit think you're a pedophile. But weed is a term that like when you say weed, you mean like the person you're talking to.

You should use niggardly all the time and explain to people what that means. Oh no, I was simply calling him cheap. Yeah, he's being slow. I thought niggardly meant slow. No, I think it's cheap. No, that's chinkily. Chink or...

No, wait. What is it? You're thinking of chintzy, but that's not... Chintzy. Niggardly means you're slow to everything. Really? Not generous. Stingy.

Fuck you. How many... Oh. What are you worth? Maybe I'm thinking of laggardly. I think you're just being racist. No. That would not.

No. Of course not. All right. Go ahead. Dick, my problem is festival wristbands. Okay. Event wristbands. Venue, you know, venues.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You go to a place. You're all excited. It's going to be like a day of doing a thing. Like a gay pride. Yeah, Okay. Yeah. You go to a place, you're all excited. It's going to be like a day of doing a thing. Like a gay pride.

Yeah, like a gay pride. Sure. Drag show with kids, which I love and keep going to. I've never been to one. Everyone thinks, whatever.

Did you see that somebody said that we went to in real IRL? Yes. Cuties support rallies? I said, where is,

where is one of those happened? Yeah. IRL's cuties support rallies? I said, where has one of those happened? Yeah. An IRL cutie support rally. They're saying that we went to the cutie support rally to really support the movie Cuties. People live in a fantasy. And I'm going to bring that up on my next problem, probably. This one, however, is the idea that you're very excited to go to the cuties rally, as we always are. Yeah, yeah.

Then you get to the door and they go, we got to put this wristband on you. It's like, I say, if you put that on too tight, I'm going to put it around your neck. But they always put it on too tight every time. And I don't know about you. Yeah. You have, you're the same as me. You have wrist hair. Yeah.

And you go, listen, if you're going to put that sticky, that super sticky thing, you got to line it up perfectly because I don't want to be ripping my wrist hair out later. Yeah. And they just slap it on and it mushes into all your they don't even look no they don't even try and then they have sometimes they have the ones where it's like the webbing stick and like come on man so i went to vidcon today yeah before i came to the show and i had to deal with not one but two wristbands both of which are infuriating to me now this one you're gonna find particularly hilarious what do you think the green wristband signifies dick gay you're close you're close not allowed covid vaccinated No! That has to come separate from my festal wristband. I have to have a special neon green.

You have a COVID test wristband? COVID test wristband, which says I'm healthy, which is a lie. That's the only way this is. That's why the dots go way out here to show how healthy you are. Healthy everyone with this is. But your wrist is the size of a thigh. Show how healthy you are. Show everyone what this is. But your wrist is the size of a thigh.

But what makes no sense is this was given at the exact same place as the other wristband. So I'm like, well... That's a sick wristband? Yes. I'm like, so if you verified that I'm not sick and that I'm supposed to be here, couldn't both wrist... This one wristband pull double duty and represent both and they're like you need that you need the covid wristband to to show that you don't have covid and i'm like right

right couldn't this be the covid wristband like that's the wristband to get in i'm like but you understand why don't you just have this one be both like we both checked him for covid and he's in why do i need two? Now this one had the plastic clasp, which I had to do. Getting these off. Just let me take it off. Yeah. Why can't it just be a simple thing? This one had a little plastic nub. I had to like bite off

in the car. I hate having this thing. And once I left, I'm like, I don't want this on me. Yeah. I don't like things on my wrist. It's cool though. I like to keep them on like the next day to show everybody that I was on Like at a cool rave Oh Well we're Yeah

No Check it out Oh this I just forgot to take it off You know that's the thing though You know there's some people Who will wear their Festival wristbands

For weeks I do If not months afterwards Yeah Do you really Yeah at Burning Man Artists We get to go in early

Yeah And we get our special wristbands To show that we're Early entry Why would you want you wear a wristband Can you Because then everyone's like Oh wow you're an artist

Oh man what's your artist And I'm like Oh me Little old me I just do a little bit of art I just don't Just a little thing I don't know

You may see a couple of them out there What'd you do Like make like a float What Would you make a dome We made a big clock A big giant clock That always says 12

Wow So I always You know it's cool To throw people off Well Dick Did you make a dome? We made a big clock. A big giant clock that always says 12. Wow. You know, it's cool. To throw people off. Well, Dick, for those of you idiots who decide you love your wristband and want to keep it on for weeks, festival wristbands contain 20 times more bacteria than clothing. Because it's all sweaty? Yes. In this popular torrent in which music lovers wear festival wristbands

for weeks or months following a music event can increase your chances of contracting an infection boils or food poisoning oh wow microbiologist dr allison coteau studied a person who wore two fabric wristbands for two years that's pretty long okay discovered nearly 9 000 micro cock and 2 000 staphylococcus bacteria on them which uh if you were to obtain get a cut or a graze in that area and have it be rubbing up against that wristband could end up again with boils like like medieval boils or horrible food poisoning these are disgusting things. And why do you gotta make it? Okay, why is it made out of cloth? It's not that bad. This is a bracelet.

I want to take it off afterwards though. It looks like a hamster chewed through yours. Did you do that? Yes, I was trying to get it off and I couldn't get it off. Why didn't you just use a knife? I didn't have a knife with me. I was in the car and I was driving home and this horrible thing was on me

and it's got this like plastic connector here. Just let me take it. It should be easy to take off. It should break away. That connector is like one of those anti-rape condoms. Have you seen those? No. That women put in their vaginas and then the guy sticks his penis

in there and it gets tracked. Oh, this thing here. Yeah. With the teeth. Yeah, they have them in Africa. And they also told me if I giners and then the guy sticks his penis in there and it gets on oh oh this thing here yeah yeah with the teeth yeah they haven't been and they also told me if i lost my wristband it would be a ten dollar charge to replace this stupid green whatever the hell i hate when they do that this is like yeah but dude your time is not worth ten dollars like i mean and this is not worth ten dollars offense please take offense to this but the idea that i have to compensate this company so you have to give another wristband i just think what's a better idea the hand stamps are fantastic but then you can lick them and give it to somebody else. Oh, my God. What? Well, then just make them taste bad.

How bad is it? Just because a system is not perfect. Look, what is with this? Yes, for the small... And so wristbands are better than licking hand stamps. Don't lick them. What if you sweat? It should be like one of those super permanent fucking inks.

They have that. A tattoo? I think you wash it off later. No, no, no. They don't have any super permanent inks how about a lanyard what's wrong with the lanyard around your neck yeah because it looks like lame no i can take a lanyard off it's great the lanyard system how they gonna know who has covid put a rfid in the lanyard and whatever why you gotta put it in the wristband i also had a lanyard for this thing soID in the lanyard and whatever. Why you gotta put it in the wristband? I also had a lanyard for this thing. So I had a lanyard and a wristband on each thing. I'm like,

I'm just going to see like YouTube guys named like Plunker or like Fuzzy Nuts go like, oh, hey guys! You know, like, what could I possibly do here? Spread my COVID. How was it? Did you go on Wednesday? I went, no, I didn't, I blew it off

oh that was when you were supposed to go on Carl's show that was, I was supposed to go on Who Are These Podcasts and I told them I have to go to VidCon and then I didn't I filled in you didn't have to fill in well but Carl, you know that he works he pulls clips in advance

I gave him yeah I know Carl, you know that he works on the, he pulls clips in advance. I gave him. He puts in word work. Yeah, I know. And then you just, and he put in, he pulled clips from Maddox's show. Right. So he's like, well, this will be funny. Yeah, he can't bring in just anybody to shoot on a random show. Okay.

But I told him this on Saturday, which gave him four days to figure it out. I gave him enough into warning and he could have, he could have rescheduled the Maddox thing. I guess so. I also told him I would have come on on Tuesday but he does like a Wednesday show or whatever you know he's got a schedule. Yeah. Oh whatever so the the WATP listeners had to hear more dick. They love you over there. Yeah it was fun. It's a good show. Do you think you'll ever be invited back onto that show? Do you think I've completely burnt the bridge Because I gave them a four day notice I couldn't do an episode? I don't know

Well then you bragged on the air about how you didn't even go to VidCon Something came up Which was I was too sleepy to get up in the morning And I said I ain't going on that fucking thing I can't do it What? I fucked things up Even if I agreed to go, I was so busy this week, I wouldn't have prepared for the show.

You don't have to prepare. No, you gotta pull clips yourself. No, you don't. Oh, I feel like you gotta. Oh, okay. Did you listen to the show ahead of time? The Godzilla podcast? No. So you go in raw and he just goes, let's listen to it together? Well, I know Maddox. So you're able to comment.

Yeah. See, I would have had to listen to it though because I haven't listened to a full episode of Maddox so so you're able to comment yeah see i would have to listen to it though because i haven't listened to a full episode in an hour maddox's guts yeah but last time i went on i pulled clips i went the whole nine yard i had a bunch of clips some people say maybe too many clips i don't know maybe i went overboard but regardless i would have wanted to prepare it's good it's good i didn't go how how short of notice would have wanted to prepare. It's good I didn't go. How short of notice would have been too short? Like two days before. Two days before?

Two days is not enough notice. Okay. Day before, absolutely not. Absolutely not. But I gave him like four days. Did he say anything? He didn't say anything. I did.

I mean, because I could tell that he wanted to say something. Yeah. But he didn't want to be rude. And then what did he say after you went veto bailed? He he said that's okay but he was trying to be nice oh he was holding it in he was holding in the rage yeah because he's friends with everybody well i had to go and get two wristbands two days after i blew off a podcast and i hated them did you meet anyone fun at vidcon no oh i don't know why's the thing. I bought this ticket like in 2019. Okay.

So it's just been sitting there. And I think me in 2019 would have been like, YouTube. I'm like kind of like, you know, I'd been doing it maybe like two years. Like, oh, I'm going to like learn some stuff and go to some panels. And I just get there and I'm miserable. And I'm like, I hate YouTube. And this platform is going nowhere. And TikTok is taking it over.

And I'm not learning anything about nothing. Anyone who tells you they know how to crack the code and get success on the platform, I'm like, the answer's right here. It's to be a fake douchebag asshole. You've changed since starting this show, I think. Yeah, maybe. Now you're just all jilted. No, I'm just bitter.

No, I think there's always been some of that. I think the women losing their abortions just put you out of it today. I mean, you're just all children. No, I'm just bitter. No, I think there's always been some of that. I think the women losing their abortions just put you out of it today. I mean, it's just... You're all down in the dumps. I have predicted the course of America. I've foreseen all of this. What do you mean? And I've just been screaming in the dark.

I've been telling everybody. I'm like, the liberals, you're fucking everything up. You're focusing on all the wrong issues. None of us are electable in any possible way. No average voter cares about what's going on at the border or whether or not a kid can chop their dick off. Just tell them you're going to raise minimum wage and actually do it.

But instead, they're just like, that'd be hard to argue. That'd be hard to argue. And they go, well, they didn't raise my minimum wage. That was a good thing that directly benefited me and put extra money in my pocket.

But instead we spent all this time going, I don't really know what a woman is. I don't really know. Maybe women have penises. Maybe women have penises. Maybe penises have women. And then we go, we're taking away women's reproductive women funny and then we go we're

taking away women's reproductive rights and they go i know what a woman is all of a sudden i remembered it's the ones that make babies and i care about them like oh okay good now you remember dumb mother fuckers uh all of a sudden everyone's a biologist now. Yeah. Well, the thing is, a child, that's the other thing. It goes from, like, I have no idea what female anatomy is to knowing the exact length of every trimester. Well, a fetus can gestate for 12 days without, you know, and then you're like, why do you know that? But if I ask you, like, what a penis is, you go, well, anything could be a penis. You know, that could be a penis. Like, fuck you. Fuck you you you know what you're doing come on we could win this it would be so easy

but you just keep fucking around they just keep fucking around what's a woman i don't know we're taking their rights away what what did you know Did you know that two weeks in, fetuses not even resemble a pair? Okay. I hate these people. They're driving me crazy. It's too bad. It's a shame what happened to you. I wish I could have stopped it. Well, hopefully your guy

Trump gets himself gets rid of term limits and reigns forever. Nah. I don't know what's going to happen. You think that DeSantis guy? Two walls now. That's what we're getting now. Two walls.

One for California. One for fun. Who would you run in the next election? If I was what? If you were the Republicans, who do you think would have the best chance of beating out Biden? Assuming Biden runs. What do you think about them? They want to run this DeSantis guy.

Trump, you got to run Trump. No, DeSantis is too important in Florida. He's got to stay in Florida forever. No. You just can't. You cannot. And he only won by a little bit. That's true.

I mean, it can go. It can twist at any moment. You got to run Trump. Of course it's going to be Trump. No one's Trump. I don't know if you think running trump's the way to go if trump's not running couldn't be biden why couldn't he be i'm not election fraud and cheating why do i even ask what do you mean how did he how are you gonna

stop the election fraud this time yeah all right yeah stealing my finger guns it sounds like because we're gonna have guys on our side going, and that's all it's going to be. Election night is just going to be everybody shooting everybody. Yeah, cool. Trying to stop the election fraud. And pregnant women running out with their stomachs out. Oh, God, oh, it's hit. Oh, my fucking baby got hit.

Oh, shit. It turns out it was a pregnant man. I don't get the, like, what's the problem? If you want to get rid of the baby, just get vaccinated until you miscarry. Right? Aren't they rebranding? Yes. I heard they were rebranding that to.

Or just send your kid to every public. Find a public school with, like, a moody kid who, you know, no red flag laws and just send them there. They're rebranding that vaccine. That one vaccine. Yeah. The one vaccine. I'm surprised you didn't bring in the Pfizer

one has lowered sperm counts. Did you see that? Yeah, but I don't know. I mean, what am I going to say that and people are going to be like, oh, is that from a fucking verified medical journal? I don't know, man. Some fucking dude on Discord posted it. I don't care. Hopefully it's temporary. I'm not vaccinated and I'll never get vaccinated. I don't care. Hopefully it's temporary.

I'm not vaccinated and I'll never get vaccinated, so I don't fucking care. It's temporary. Temporary semen. Oh, good news. Temporary fucks with your semen. Oh, okay. Lungs is just temporary. Fucking around with semen.

That sounds fine. What can you do? No. But at least I got my healthy green wristband. What do they do with the sick people? They throw a red one and they force them against the wall at gunpoint. They just nail them. Kill them all. They give them one of those bank things when you steal money.

One of those exploding things. They didn't even check my ID. Positive COVID. Toss them one of the grenades. And then the ink explodes all over them so they can't get it off, you know, and they're all purple. Yeah. There was just a guy and he's like, do you have COVID? And he was like, show me your card.

So I just. You can just have like a screenshot. These guys don't know what the app looks like. They didn't ask for an ID. I'm just like this thing. I ended up getting into, I also figured out security guards. You know what I did? What?

My friend forgot his thing. Yeah. So I went on Fiverr and hired a Photoshop guy because we were already out of place. Oh, shit. And I sent him, I said, hey, can you just change the name? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, no, no problem.

That's pretty good. Yeah. I also, everybody's just no, no problem. That's pretty good. Yeah. I also, everybody's just giving up on doing their job in any, nobody cares anymore. I think everybody realizes they're living in the last days. Putting a fucking neon bracelet. Yeah. On someone who's at a conference that they don't want to be at. I ended up just wandering backstage at VidCon.

I was just like in the green room and like taking free snacks. And this charity guy was like are you supposed to be here? I'm like yeah. And he's like whatever I don't give a fuck. Nobody's doing their job confidently. Maybe we're not worth as many Chinese people as I thought we were worth.

Might be slightly less. Or peasants of any time. Sorry. Are you ready of any time. Sorry. Are you ready for my problem? Yes. Sticky resealable meat packages. Sticky resealable meat packages.

You seen what they're doing with meat, deli meat packages? I can visualize it. Used to be like a zipper, like a Ziploc bag. Oh, I love that. Oh, man, that thing was tight, sturdy. They had perfected it. Perforated plastic with a big old... We've had that, too, for a while.

Not a little zipper. Yeah. You know, not little perforations where it's like... It was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Big ones. Like you're taking out those fucking cylindrical cones. Yeah. The ones that are all the same.

Cylinders, not cones. Where am I taking these out? In your car. Okay. The ones that you drive. The ones with the octagon base. You're saying resealing a plastic bag is like hitting a bunch of cones on the car? Yes, the pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

And then you pull that Ziploc open, right? Okay, yeah. And there's your meat. Half of it is enough for a sandwich. Boom. Seal it in. Seal the freshness in. Zip never fucks up.

That zipper never fucks up. Lo and behold, they found a way to fuck that up. Now, if you get any sort of meat, it's got an easy open thing on the front that you peel up, and then to save the freshness, you just seal it back down with a sticker. You pull your meat through the sticky hole. But if you misalign it slightly, there's a crack where you can lose freshness. You're going to lose a lot of freshness if you don't re-stick correctly. It's just this feeling like well i guess not only

do i guess this meat is just gone like i don't know i don't know the physics of this yeah how how uh how airtight is this how airtight is this not if i was going to the bottom of the ocean in one of those ziploc things no problem here's your suit. It's powered by this zip lock thing. Got it. I'm in. Here, you're going into space with this. Here, you're going into space with this flap that's a sticker. Yeah.

Like, absolutely fucking hot. I don't trust that at all. Yeah, it's clearly worse. It's clearly cheaper, too. Yeah. Well, because it used to be deli meat you couldn't even get in those. You used to have to go to the deli counter when they introduced the Ziploc system. It was like, wow.

And I remember, yeah, it was like, I remember when that showed up. And you're like, wait, you just get the meat off the shelf and you can. It has its own Ziploc bag? It's got a little plastic nub to perfectly seal it. Honey, are we out of Ziplocs? Don't need them anymore. Get rid of them. Now I have to bring my own Ziplocs again.

You're going to have to put a bag inside a bag. Total waste of time. And you feel like a fucking idiot. Talk about having slices of dry salami. Oh, that's the worst. When it's dry on the edges yeah and then yeah put it down and i'm like man i don't i don't know i can kind of see bubble like i don't see enough bubbles here it looks like a bad tint job or none at all and then i'm peeling i'm like am i how many

times is this good for it makes no sense it makes absolutely no sense and they're it's taking over probably saving dick three cents a package which in today's economy cannot be overlooked it was perhaps you're being on yes but is this not our own problem is this not our own fault for getting the economy in the state it is do we not have to give up certain luxuries like? No, those aren't luxuries. Well, those can be a luxury. Those are necessities, Dick. Necessities for the state. Look, you could get... I wonder if the bugs will seal well in the resealable containers.

You could just throw them around the house. Once we eat the bugs. Oh, yeah, you just let them, like, what, breed in the house and then pick them up when you want to snack? Just eat whatever. Your whole house is going to be eatable at some point. A big gingerbread man is going to come by and build you your house and say, here you go.

You fucking slob. This is what you eat now. Get back to work. Yeah. Somebody on Twitter said to me, they're not going to do bug eating laws. Why do you think that? Yeah. They're going to put them in your kid's school lunch first. Yeah. That's where it's going to do uh bug eating laws why do you think that yeah they're going to put them in your kids school lunch first yeah that's where it's going to show up like you know how much and then your kids are going to come from school and he's going to go dad i ate bugs and they're pretty good

you're going to go yeah they've gotten they always they go through the kids they got you the kids first and you can bug milk she's going to be ground up bugs into like a milky paste and the kids are going to go i like bug milk dad can weky paste. And the kid's going to go, I like bug milk, dad. Can we have bug milk? And you're the only one who can stop it. You're the only one who can sit that kid down and go, we don't drink the bug milk in this house, Jimmy. I don't care how much sugar and bullshit.

But you do. It's going to be racist. It's all going to be corn. Oh, yeah, we'll be racist. It'll be racist to eat meat and have real milk. Cow milk. They're going to say Chinese people bred these bugs for us. If you don't eat them, you're disrespecting. Yeah.

I'm like, what is it? What are you? What an innocent, you're like an innocent child telling me they're not going to have eating bug laws. Of course they're going to have eating pug laws. You're going to have to eat exactly one block of bugs. It'll be illegal to make so many meats. Yeah.

And then the rich are going to eat meat. And you're not. No. You're going to eat fucking bugs, dude. Bug loaf. You already don't eat. This is a depressing show. I'm having a great day. I'm not that guy. Yeah. You're going to fight. I'm not eating bugs. You're going to fight the good fight. I guess I've just given up. I've just given up, Dick.

You sound sad. Ab my heart will never affect you well no it's not the abortion thing it's just in general what in general so we live in a nightmare we live in hell yeah yeah every day is worse than the last yes yes but at least it's not tomorrow at least it's not tomorrow that's a good good point. That's a very good point. Could be tomorrow. Tomorrow this abortion shit is not going to be funny. Yeah. I'm laughed at. They're still going to be there. No, I'm not even that torn. Because the abortion thing,

look, at least you can go over the border and get an abortion somewhere else. To Mexico? Not the border. The state borders. State lines. Oh, yeah. Cross state lines. You just got to hope you don't live in the no abortion belt and you gotta travel like crazy

but we'll have we'll have special caravans and stuff you know pick up on the underground railroad yeah exactly it's gonna be fun

it's gonna be like underground railroad times yeah and we're gonna get that baby out your belly sing a song can California

have like an embassy in every state yeah like this is California this is California. This is technically part of California territory. Oh my God. You might have a point.

A 300 story building that just does abortions all day. All the way up. Well, this is the California embassy. I don't know what to tell you. This is California land. California laws apply. Is that illegal? I think so.

I don't think you can establish an embassy. The Chinese embassy isn't allowed to whatever. What other countries? The Thai embassy isn't allowed to sell you children. Or rent them out. Whoops. Okay, what's your last problem?

My problem, Dick, is the concept of just, I don't know. I don't know. You're so depressed today we have presents does that cheer you up i'll look at the presents in a second look i went to vidcon dick uh-huh and uh i just i just what is society oh i feel like it used to be like a thing where like there were great men who did great things and inventions and works of art. And we were able to judge them based on what they put out.

The men? Yes. Okay. We didn't judge them based on who they were because we understood all human beings are fucking terrible. Oh. We know this. Okay. We've all done horrible things.

We're all whatever. So why focus on what the individual is than what the individual has done? Okay. Thomas Edison probably burned children. Yeah. He killed an elephant. Yeah.

On purpose. Terrible, horrible things. But we now have... Is that horrible? I guess my problem is the concept of the personal brand okay where these people now exist you are the product your product is no longer the product it's the story of the man who made the product okay in your journey you know i saw like some artists online

and they're like it's so hard to make it as an artist you have to constantly be promoting yourself and whatever it doesn't matter you could be the best artist in the world but that pales in comparison to a girl who goes well i have this unique story of i was an orphan child and i my first paintbrush i i found it in a ditch underneath my dead mom in rwanda and i survived the boy it's pretty good it's pretty good you know i don't have that story i don't have that journey yeah i go to vidcon thing and it's just there's just walls of these guys i've no idea who these people are and i hate all of them because it's like because it's they're so fake it's so fake on so many levels okay but you're there yeah like wearing bracelets to talk to these people i'm there with blowing off carl like a friend to go hang out with these fucking people that you hate i went to

go see if uh some other like youtube guys i know might be there nobody was there and if they were i just left immediately because i was so disgusted okay because i'm looking again at like these giant nameplates for like coming to the stage is craggle mar and there's all these kids and they're screaming craggle mar and i don't know they're wearing like minecraft i'm like yeah who is who is this guy what does he make yeah what does he do yeah no he goes on youtube but he screams at me or or not that the it's this like insane voyeurism of like just watching rich kids live lives that you won't leave oh where they're like hey today like i'm today i'm at this like insanely rich thing or i'm flying first class or i'm an influencer whatever the fuck and i'm like

you why do you want to watch that what are you getting out of that like today we ate a sixty thousand dollar ice cream sundae and i'm like yeah it's disgusting this contributes nothing to anything and it's all these why do you why do you want to consume envy yeah why do you why is that a why is that a a commodified product envy why do people sit at home and watch lifestyles that they covet yes how is that entertainment it's it's a weird why is sickness why why is the kard exist? See, that's the other thing. And it's no longer like, it's not, I like what this person makes. It's, I want to be him. It's not that you like what Mr. Beast makes or whatever.

Here we go. Or anybody. Zamadoon or Johnny Waffle. What about you? People are like, oh, I could be Vito. I don't know if they do. But I think be Vito. I don't know if they, I think, but I think that is true.

I think some people, some people look at me and they're like envious. They're like, I wish I had a YouTube channel. I wish I could like make whatever. And I'm like, I'm miserable all the time.

There's nothing here. Okay. Now, if I was a good YouTuber, I would lie like all the other YouTubers are going and i would go my life is fucking fantastic okay you should want to be me everything about me is magical and i go on adventures and i have so many friends you do go on adventures though i go yeah but they're all

awful and they'll end in in tears and in sadness uh but i don't i don't do the lie, which you have. You're supposed to do. Your personal brand is supposed to be constantly positive. Everything is great. Look at how great my life is. Don't you want to be a part of it? Don't you want to be like me? And I'm like, no, I reject it. It's fake.

I know it's fake. And even if it is real, it's unattainable for 99.999% of the world because we're not rich kids who can just go out and be like, today I filled my swimming pool with fucking Orbeez and marshmallows and I spent $60,000 on a super trampoline. You're like- Wow. That's cool.

No, it's not. It's vapid, meaningless shit. What's better? Like saying that Star Wars sucks? What's great? No. What's better is back when like a guy would write a book or make an album. Oh, boy.

You know? And he'd go, here's my art. Here's my music. Yeah, like Catcher in the Rye. That's such a good one. I never actually read Catcher in the Rye. I think it would depress me more. A guy who expressed similar sentiments as what you're saying read that book.

But am I crazy? He shot John Lennon. I remember as a kid, I liked Michael Crichton books. Yeah. I never wanted to know anything about Michael Crichton. I just liked his books. Right. I didn't want to emulate his life.

I didn't want to be him. But now it seems like to be any sort of artist of any sort it has to be like not only do i make art but also i live this envious magical lifestyle that you want to be a part you know who kind of started doing that was like andy warhol i think started making him the message over the art yeah i was like look i live in a crazy thing with all my weird art friends. Like, isn't this fun and cool and you wish you could hang out with us and come to our parties? And Andy Warhol kind of fucked it up. I know this is like a crazy theory, but I'm just saying, I look at Warhol and I go, the

guy was kind of an asshole because he knew he sucked at art. Okay. Like Warhol's art. It's like, yeah, anybody could fucking do that. I could fucking do that. No. But. He did it though.

But it was like, hey, if you buy this, you know, it's almost like you're part of this awesome party lifestyle that i have with me and my psychopath art friends yeah uh who all end up killing each other that's better you're saying that's not as good as like renaissance i'm saying that's not yeah like what do you know what do you know about michelangelo's lifestyle uh what do you know about painted only men yeah. Was Beethoven popular because his music was good or because he was fun at court? I mean, a little bit. I mean, yeah. I assume it's always been this way. But I think now it used to be there was some substance.

It used to be you had to not only be semi-interesting, but you also had to produce something of quality. Now it's just... What's quality? Like drinking Belle Delphine's, vaping Belle Delphine's bath water? Is that quality to you? No, no. Why? No, I don't know.

It's art. It's like a great expression. That's funny. That's comedy. People have become the canvas and the palette. Like you have to use, you have to use and manipulate people

to create art now. Yeah. That's the, because of the way the world has connected. Well, it's manipulative. I don't like the manipulation. But you do it. But because you have to survive and it's, it's psychopathic.

No, I think that you enjoy it. No, I think you enjoy getting a rise out of people with all your cutie shit. Okay, well that's different because that's funny. But that's not fake. That's, that's funny. But that's not fake, that's funny. Okay. Okay? But like the whole, like you, in order to be successful and succeed in this current marketplace of ideas,

you have to form these bizarre parasocial relationships with your audience. It just sounds like you're saying art is not a mirror, it's a hammer in like a lot of words. Like it sounds like you're shitting on the guys who coined the the phrase that you're saying against art which was meant to just please instead of uh upset which is ironically who you're saying is not a good artist i think we have this culture of celebrity that it was sick when it used to be real celebrities who made stuff and now has become increasingly... Like Marilyn Monroe, was she a real celebrity? She was at least in a movie and did something and acted. It wasn't just

I woke up rich and filmed myself doing literally anything and making stupid like, oh, hey guys, it's Blue Jew and today we're at my fucking super mansion and do whatever. Blue Jew? Yeah, Blue Jew. Famous YouTuber Blue Jew. He's very popular among the people of

palestine look i'm just saying why is he blue they got a lot of he's got a lot of reasons to be blue six million of them more than that if you go across time if you go across time oh god there's more than that regardless i think this culture of celebrity which has always been sick has now just morphed into you're a celebrity for doing nothing other than being rich and vapid and fake and pretending to be happy all the time and that's it you don't think it was always like that i think there was always a guy in town but it wasn't like an asshole but that wasn't the top. It's like literally I'm looking around.

It's like how to succeed at YouTube, how to be. I'm like the only way. The only way. If somebody came to me and they're like, how do I succeed at YouTube? I'm like, well, you can spend all your time making like heavily researched history essays or whatever, but you will never have even one two thousandth of the presence of these guys who just go to 13 year olds and go you could be rich and magical too like me if you just believe in yourself money just appears and everything's wonderful for you yeah it's sick and these kids are paying like a hundred dollars

a badge to meet that guy and be like i i think i i think him. I'm going to be the next him. P.T. Barnum. P.T. Barnum was not beloved, I don't think. But he had the game figured out. I'm not saying showmanship is a problem. Sucker born every minute. Yeah, get these morons in here. Let's give them some help.

But Barnum didn't have a free pass. You too could be a YouTube superstar. You too could be a YouTube superstar. You too could be a YouTube superstar. But why? I always look at like Red Letter Media. They have like 1.5 million subscribers. They're good. Okay, right.

We all love, like they're one of the best channels. Yeah. 1.5 million subscribers. You look at like the top guys. Yeah. It's like 600 million subscribers for a guy you've never heard of named Cone Man 9000. Good things aren't popular, though. Because people are stupid.

Right. Well, that's also part of it. But why are they so popular? It's not even like a ratio of I would be happy if Red Letter Media was like one-tenth as popular as like a stupid guy in a helmet screaming at Minecraft. But it's like hundreds of thousands of times more popular and all the money goes to them and the brands and everything else. And it's sick. People are just that dumb, man. Sorry to tell you. I look at our little podcast and I'm so

proud that we have like a thousand people on Patreon. and then i look at youtube and i go if i had just like ripped out half my brain and played minecraft for the last 10 years i would be a multi-bajillionaire like apparently you're bitter you're bitter at their success i guess so that's a problem well it's bitterness not just but envy is the problem for other people as, it's bitterness, not just... Envy is the problem. But it's for other people as well. It's that I want all these people I know who are more talented than these people to have so much more success than them, but there's no marketplace for it. But why do you define success by money? I define success by the ability... Well, I want the ability to make what you want to make.

You can. Yeah, with it... You won't be rich. But you'll be very poor if you focus on some of these guys gotta get a job why do you need a job the job

should be right but the job should be to fly to another state to get an abortion that motherfucker on a fucking plane just filming his rich mansion

is not working he firms it all out to an editor all he has to do is get up with a GoPro and go hey guys yeah today oh my god

we're gonna jump off a building so you don't want people to like that content i think we should uh outlaw it's for children everyone's worried you wouldn't do that if you're worried about a child seeing a drag queen you should be infinitely more worried i agree about a child watching half these fucking youtube influencers and is going to poison their brain infinitely more than any gay ideology ever could uh it's sick it's sick it's disgusting it's sad and uh i'm mad as hell and we're not gonna take it Boom. But you would do it if you could. I couldn't.

Yeah, what if you had like a 10 million bucks, you would do tours of like, this is my new fucking Tifa sex doll. You wouldn't? You know, I have like a big video game collection and people are always like, hey, you should show off like your video game collection or whatever. And I'm like, no.

Why? Because I think- I don't know if that's the same as a mansion. No, but still, it's like, i don't think that there's good entertainment value in being like here's what i own you know like sometimes i'll post pictures of it because i am happy about it yeah i don't know i'm saying that i might make a video at some point but i've never like been like oh i just want to show people the shit i own and look at this cool thing i got or whatever i don't know it feels what about lifestyles of the rich and famous you remember that show yeah styles and like, oh, I just wanted to show people all the shit I own and look at this cool thing I got or whatever. I don't know. It feels...

What about Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous? You remember that show? Yeah. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. That's where it should have stopped. It should have stopped at alright, here's a little peek into the insane things rich people own. Fine. No, but that was a curiosity. It wasn't an obsession. You didn't watch Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous going, I could be

that guy. And YouTube is telling 12-year-olds, this is Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous going, I could be that guy. And YouTube is telling 12-year-olds, this is Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous for 12-year-olds telling them if you want it hard enough. They're being groomed. They're being groomed into believing that anybody can be rich if they're just obnoxious enough and filming themselves constantly, not telling them that you need several million dollars of daddy's seed money to get the channel started. Ew.

Seed money, Dick, not seed. Yeah. The money doesn't... The buyout. Oh, okay. Pay you off. Okay, so your problem is what? Personal brands?

Personal, I don't know. What's personal brand? Wow. I mean, you kind of... Influencer culture. Cool, okay. Influencer culture. I guess that's it.

What's your other one uh uh venue wristbands and you venue wristbands uh mine was uh extreme heat yeah events but not global warming and then we have people heroes like jk rowling who create a great work of art that inspires the world and then we have to spend the rest of our life listening to people tell us that they're actually a demon because they disagree about some trans thing or whatever.

That's your side that's doing that, my friend. I know. Did you see Hillary Clinton spoke out about it? About what? She said, do we really have to pretend

J.K. Rowling is a bigot? Can the left knock it off with all this identity politics kind of shit? And I was like, too little, too late. Yeah, a little late for that, bitch. Hell this is your fault but uh at least you're fucking saying it uh what was my other one uh heat and meat no the sticky meat heat and meat the sticky meat

sticky meat sealing bags yeah sticky i'm saying your problems already rhyme. Heat and meats. You had heat and meat. Sealing bags. I had brands and bands. Okay, let's do some voicemails. Let's do it. Are you going to cheer up by next week when all these rich people are gone? I'm going to be dead next week, Dick.

Really? Maybe. You know what I was thinking? I wanted to say we should have started this episode of, as it's the biggest problem, salute to Roe v. Wade. Over 50 years of being enshrined in the law. Then just cut to us with the hats off. We go, wow, we have terrible news, everyone.

Great news. The salute to Roe v. Wade has been canceled. Obama should have done something about it, don't you think? The left should have stopped. He had eight years. The left had all this. No, they spent the eight years becoming like insanely going, we're in charge forever. Yeah.

They believed that. So now is the perfect time to start attacking young white men for playing Halo too loudly. And I'm like, what do you think's going to happen? What do you think's going to happen when you do that? That they're going to go, well, they got a point. I shouldn't have said those horrible words on my video game. No! They're just going to vote to keep yelling slurs in their video game.

Like voting matters. Yeah, Vito, that call-in episode would have been good if, one, you weren't such a fucking jackass, and two, the audio didn't sound like it was recorded off of a 20-year-old iPod Nano. Oh. Did you have bad audio?

What's with the fucking audio on this show? You guys used to say, so much pride in having good audio. You need Sean. Get Sean on the fucking show. Well, Sean's not going to come to my house. I wasn't there. I didn't have pride in that. I think I might have had my gain turned up too high.

My microphone is very sensitive. You've got to lower that. You did that last time, too. But then I lower it too much and nobody can hear me. No, then you need a compressor and a limiter then. You've got to lower it. Wait, look at the waveforms here. They're way, way down.

See? Almost nothing. And then you blow them up. Yeah, but during a live show. Yeah, this is live. Okay, you're saying so during a live show it's blowing them up with another program? Mm-hmm. OBS is.

Okay, then I'll figure it out. Sorry! Sorry! I ruined it again! Everything I do is wrong! You should go to one of those seminars. I should go to a seminar. Here's how to make it on YouTube. I'm like, I'm not going to any of these seminars.

I know what you're going to say. Mr. Beast giving a seminar of like, here's how to succeed on YouTube. You have millions of dollars. The answer is have millions of dollars and then just force your kid to review Shopkins or whatever. Okay, here we go Hey Jake

Hey Vito it's Dr. Badboon I'm calling in With an anecdote about Women throwing away Perfectly good shit I called in to The Dick Show talking about how my mom Threw away my sheet music

That was put away in the piano bench i remember that that's the story um at least that's pretty replaceable right so we were at a like a gathering of like two other families us for all talking like people my age and other parents and then uh somehow i think i don't know they were talking about like oh do you know what an nfc is and someone says oh yeah they're like new trading cards and uh pokemon cards got brought up and how like oh wow have you seen how these are worth like have you seen what they're selling for like tens of thousands of dollars, like crazy stuff. Like this Charizard, you know, is like selling for $50,000. And my mom, who knows a little Pokemon, she grew up with it, was like, oh, I know Charizard.

Oh, yeah, wow, that's worth that much money? Oh, wow, we have at least two of those. Oh, wow, we have hundreds and hundreds of Pokemon cards. Those are probably worth, like, and then everyone who's talking about it knows about it. It's like, oh, yeah, that's probably worth, like, thousands and thousands of dollars, those are probably were like and then everyone is talking about it knows about like oh yeah that's probably worth like thousands and thousands of dollars like tens of thousand dollars and I'm just kind of sitting there like already knowing what has happened about it not really saying anything my mom yeah I turns to mean is like oh you remember we have all those Pokemon like we have two binders,

do you remember those binders? I'm like, yeah. I don't think we have those, though. Do you remember, do you remember what you did with both of those binders? He was like, oh. Oh, I threw them out, didn't I?

Oh, my God. And the shame of all these people knowing that we could have had all of this money, but for some reason, one spring, she just had to go, oh, these Pokemon cards, oh, you guys haven't played with these in years, in like a decade.

You haven't used these at all. These are totally worthless. When are we going to use these Pokemon cards? And just threw them away. Me and my brother are both like, I mean, I don't know. Just kind of say to them, like, what mean, I don't know. Just kind of save them. Like, what are they? They're not taking up any.

They're two binders. They're nothing. They're in a massive closet of things that no one can throw them out. It doesn't matter. But she just felt compelled to throw away

these Pokemon cards. Well, let's be real, though. They've been worth a lot of money. The reason those Pokemon cards are worth money is because of your stupid mom and every stupid mom in America tossing them out.

The more moms who toss them, the more my collection grows in value. We got to throw mom away. Dick's getting his Pokemon cards graded. Oh, yeah. What does it cost per card? $50. Jesus Christ. $100.

$100 a card? Did you get, like, the premium turnaround time? Yeah. Because it's that Shatterless Charizard card Yeah I mean I guess that's worth it Okay here we go Hey

This is Johnny Rico I'll get in on that Money to get Vito to stop Being a fat piece of shit Has to be at least 50 pounds though I'll throw up 500

In addition 500 Dick has to be the referee And the punishment for Vito has to be humiliating enough to motivate him to do this. Maybe you don't show his dick on the internet. Maybe he has to dress up like the sissy femboy

that he makes all of his fucking gay boyfriends dress up like. I wish I could get some sissy femboy boyfriends. $1,500. Wow, I feel like we can go higher. Oh, it's not enough for you now.

I think you got to keep writing down everybody's contact information once we hit a certain number. I don't know. It's just a voicemail that comes in. I have no way to contact that guy. He should contact you. But what would you do if you lost? What would the punishment be? don't know okay i'll kill myself uh it's not funny is that a good bit yeah well veto it's time for weighing oh you're two

pounds over and i just take a gun and i put it in my mouth. It goes, wow. Come here. Really jealous of all the YouTubers money. It's not jealousy. It's sadness for like, I want kids to be inspired to do anything, but it doesn't matter. Cause there's nothing for them to do.

Yeah. There's nothing to do. What are they going to do? Give stuff away. Democracy is already destroyed. They're not going to have abortions. I'll tell you that much. They're not going to have abortions. I'll tell you that much. They're not going to have abortions.

They'll get them back. Hey, Dick. Hey, Dino. So something you guys were talking about on the last episode that got me thinking. What's with all these gay Gen Z kids and having wonky fucking eyes? And Dye's got weird fucked up eyes. He does. He does shit. He's got another girl that's's got weird Fucked up eyes Does Does she That other girl

Sonia Foria's Fucked up eyes I feel like I know a lot of people Who've got fucked up eyes What What happened What did we do to Gen Z

It's all the plastics In the milk That made their eyes All fucking Cock eyes Probably is Probably is BPAs

Yeah Cause we could Put too much plastic In their milk Yeah Now they're all Coming out fucking with tails and shit. It was real easy not to do that. To not put plastic in, yeah, well. All we had to say was no.

Hey, you want to put milk and shit in this plastic? Nah. Also, if you hold your cell phone, if you rest your cell phone on your pregnant belly or your kid's in there. Oh, yeah, is that good?'s in there. Oh, yeah. Is that good? You just bait them in gamma radiation.

Oh, is that legal? If you had a gamma ray gun, can you just go? I mean, look, it's not like you can't have a miscarriage. It's just they're going to make it. That's what I'm saying is like if I was so fucking dumb, why not just open like a like a roller coaster that's like wicked fast and only pregnant women are allowed to ride it? Is it illegal to have a roller coaster? I'm going to get a bunch of embryos, viable embryos.

You know when you do IVF? Sure. In vitro fertilization. Yeah, they take your woman's eggs out and they take sperm, and they get them a bunch of them embryo, like babies, right? They make them, and then... You pick the cutest one. Yeah, they freeze them all, and they put like three in you and say, okay, here you go. Yeah.

So those, they're still frozen, like they're still, they're not abortions because they're frozen, right? Yeah. But they're not being used ever, right? Yeah. So those, they're still frozen. Like, they're still, they're not abortions because they're frozen, right? Yeah. But they're not being used ever, right? Yeah. That process is, no one has a problem with that process. I think people have a problem with that process. I don't think so. I think if you talk to the religious people and you broke it down for them,

this is what I'm going to do since those are all lives, right? I'm going to make 10,000 of those and then have $10,000 dependence on my tax return. Because those are all lives. Going to get your taxes down to zero. Those are all lives. Negative. You're going to owe me, man. $10,000 dependence?

Negative income tax. Are you kidding me? What's the problem? Famously proposed. All right. Can I read these super chats? Economist Dick Masterson here. Economist.

Man, you're really in a bad mood. Ec-economist. Dick Masterson here. Economist. Man, you're really in a bad mood. Ec-economist. I'm in a fine mood. Everything's fine. You know what keeps me going in the morning? Is waking up,

checking that Patreon. Patreon.com slash biggest problem and seeing all the support from our fans who seem to support true, real comedy

guys being guys. Not Mr. Beast. I don't know. I'm not even mad. At least Mr. Beast, I'll even say this for Mr. Beast, at least he takes his money and kind of sometimes tries to make something that's creative and isn't just like, look at my fantastic life. Oh, yeah.

It's really just the guys who are just like, I'm just here. We're in my studio that I built with my dad's money To make my shitty rap album Even though I can't really rap But it doesn't matter Because anyone with enough money Can make a rap album But what do you want?

Do you want those people to I want everyone to die! I want you all dead! You make me miserable! That's all I want I understand let's go to the superchats Fox Foley for 20

oh you fucked it up go back down oh what a show there Fox Foley for 20 says liberals rally against a problem that impacts nobody

they know conservative celebrated victory that does nothing for me my money turns to dust but at least it's a tbp bit unite take my worthless money thank you i'm gonna buy a pokemon card we're gonna buy pokemon cards i'm gonna buy in although i want to buy the new magic card set and it's sold out everywhere another thing that makes me miserable uh that in two beef uh two beef for five says veto's problem last week was just a journalist janny's is that a problem that we've had before pete oxenham for

two says my wife is really hot all right pete oxenham for two says veto should take an iq test live we'd learn a lot excuse me i've always wanted to take an iq live, we'd learn a lot. Excuse me. I've always wanted to take an IQ test. Why? Because I think I'd score it in the genius percentile and everyone would be really stoked on me. You'd tell them? I don't know.

What do you do if you're a genius? Do you just keep it secret? I'm also terrified, though, because what if I take an IQ test and I'm like dumber than hell. What if it's just normal? That's the worst. I don't want to be normal. I want to be one of the secret dumbasses who like

beat the system, you know? I only got an 80, but I'm batting 120. Batting 180. RideDogFor6 says sixth. You said it right. Sixth. Fuck you guys. AutonomousPrimeFor5 says notice how says sixth you said it right sixth fuck you guys

autonomous prime for five says notice how all the bitching on bitcoin miners went away after gpus came back into stock only after the

china tariffs were lifted yeah got a comment on that dick well of course if the gpus are back in stock why would

anyone be bitching yeah rex sexon for ten says it's a thankless job rowing lost souls across the River Styx, but it's a serious duty. Okay. Do you want to finish that one for me, Dick? To be ferrying the dead into hell

and not having the responsibility of whether or not they deserve it. Okay. When you go down this path of like, I'm the boatman on the river Styx, I go, I think this is going somewhere. Pop quiz for 20 says, don't spend all these creds in one place. Thank you, pop quiz.

Jack, run. It's only $19.99. I think that's the default. I think they default. I don't know. It's that old thing where they go, see, it makes people think. I hate that.

I'm going to bring in that As a problem Okay The 99 cent thing Yeah Where it goes It makes them think They're spending less money I'm like yeah

It does though That's bullshit It's a waste of my time Yeah but it's the people That think Mr. Beast is cool Yeah that's true Only 19 bucks This one's only

This one's $19.99 That one's $20 I'm saving a whole dollar here Jack Rockstar for 5 says I couldn't get into a hentai panel because I didn't know I needed a separate 18 plus wristband. Wristbands are problems, but yellow expo markers are worse.

Yeah. There was a hentai panel? What the hell? Are the lights turned off on that? I think Anime Expo is this coming week. You going? No. Yeah, you're not going.

I might be at Anime Expo, guys. Fadix the great in la for two says election was 100 stolen veto you know it's true i disagree i have been listening to the january 6th panel and man there's they investigated everything investigated themselves trump gave him a list of like 50 different things he's like what about this what about this what about this and they're like we're gonna investigate literally all of them. And they did. And they're like, well, none of them are fraud. What do you want? No. Yes.

A lot of evidence came out. Oh. I don't have it on me. Oh, yeah. A lot of evidence came out. Well, I don't know it off the top of my head. Because there is none. I got to go ask Razor Fist. Oh, yeah. Go ask Razor Fist. That was an unbiased source in the internet.

Isaac O for five says, vote up fake 2D animation. I never knew how bad it was until the new Beavis and Butthead movie. It looks like absolute garbage in an all new way. Well, yeah. Fake 2D animation is a problem. I didn't realize the new Beavis and Butthead was not real 2D animation. That sucks. That does suck.

Coffee Split for five says, I will throw 100 into the Vito Lose Weight Challenge. And when the F is Sean going to be on the show? I don't know when Sean's coming in. Sean's a busy guy. He'll come in, though. Soon. How, uh, what do you call it? Because he does your show, what, once a week?

Yeah, on Sunday. Is that his only obligation other than his regular job? Yeah. He just seems like a busy guy. Guy's pretty busy. How, uh, and how far does it, how long does it take him to get to your place? Because I'm pretty close to you, luckily. I don't know.

Probably about the same. Seth Johnson for fives is the biggest run in the universe. It's people who brag about not killing snakes that they found in their yards. Yeah, just kill it. Just kill it. Oh, yeah, that is. Oh, you know, I set it free. Or people who set free bugs

Let me get this little guy outside I'm like Or just fucking step on it Cause it doesn't matter And it's life is meaningless I love I've smashed a couple bugs At parties

And some woman will go like Oh my god Why would you And not make any And not like I don't even know Until later I'm gonna start bringing

Like beautiful butterflies And ladybugs to parties Just so I can do that. Oh my god, look at that beautiful life is meaningless. Party ended. Zarathustra for two. As a woman, Vito can get wrecked. It's a sad day

for women everywhere, including myself. David Gomez for five. Vito's problem today is sour grapes already on the board. It's not sour grapes because it's not about me it sounds out like sour grapes i don't want you just want to be as popular as those people doing your art the way you want instead of doing what people want is that accurate i want first of all i'm not making any art right now i'm i'm i'm making trash because trash is rewarded oh my god okay and i'm just going along for the ride

what's the trash the only art that i'm making can be found at superkiller.org get on the mailing list for my new comic book super killer which is going to be the first chance i get to finally express the beautiful artist that lives inside of me i believe i have 498 names on the mailing list. Let's get it to an even 500 at superkiller.org Okay. Bye everyone. Bye everybody. He says, what about your comic book? Yeah, exactly. That's the only thing I'm making that isn't

Trish.